Newsgroup: it.arti.musica.metal
Titolo: [ROTFL] Vademecum del buon black-metaller

L'avevo postato sulla ML di iamm....pero' credo ci stia bene anche qui...in
fondo e' abbastanza IT...
....Peccato solo che sia in inglese....
----------------------------
_ The 101 rules of Blackmetal _
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. .Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out
that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you
mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G
slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that
you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its
release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true"
blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less
than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it
doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album
are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are
imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have
your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the
other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being
both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM
is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure
that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea
what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died
because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to
produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band
also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects
as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same
producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three
colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the
word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the
wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in
particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever
greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal
Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the
terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of
attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder
paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you
really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine
Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be
ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever
possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate
Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage
of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only,
instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and
instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen
to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is
not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her
face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the
Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to
it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and
therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any
pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the
mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait
a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested
tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See
also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in
touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those
two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists
of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of
this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions,
Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may
also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of
black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you
about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken
word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend,
and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of,
but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments
of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom
Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and
therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only
a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages:
Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll?
Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've
have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For
shaaaaame!!
:-))))
Mi raccomando...e' solo per ridere!!! :-))
Gajo

PS
Ringrazio El Pedro per avermelo spedito... :-)))
Gajo

 fondo e' abbastanza IT...
La 19 e' piu' da fans dei Manowar!
G h o u L

 ....Peccato solo che sia in inglese....
sob, allora non ci capirò una cippa......    :°(
Hail
Lupo
On Air : TESTAMENT - the gatering

 sob, allora non ci capirò una cippa......    :°(
infatti.........
:°°(((((((


> sob, allora non ci capirò una cippa......    :°(
Non sai cosa ti perdi! E' fenomenale :-))))
-- 
==============================
"One by One! To the Swords! To the Guns!
Two by Two! And away we go
Father and Son! Heed the words we pray
Deliver us from Evil This Day"
==============================

attrition".
Queste due sono fenomenali! ROTFL! :-)
Magazzino, che ne dici di adottare questo stile d'ora in poi con le
tue allusioni sessuali? :-)


 particolarmente bello o particolarmente brutto?
Bruttissimo!!
Va in giro con le orecchie a punta e dice di essere un elfo.


particolarmente bello o particolarmente brutto?
[cut]
A me sembra più un pagliaccio.Ciao.
Pedro

 paper in the middle of math class.
C'ho preso senza saperlo, wow.
NP: Fuzztones - Run Chicken Run
--
beast '84 -- STAY ROTTEN!! --- 
bea...@tin.it
 --- ICQ#109726113
|"Welcome to my Theatre, the stage upon wich I act,
|turning in a sumptuous performance, heiniously I hew and gash,
|Churning out a deep gulch, the incision a major nick,
|A quick toke of nitrous oxide is how I get my kicks..."

 62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
Questa e' geniale!!!!!!!!
federico

 Va in giro con le orecchie a punta e dice di essere un elfo.
Un elfo oscuro, spero!
--
MoonFish 999 - Clasting Icons since 1975
NP: Chumbawamba - "Commercial Break"
"Ogni volta che sorridi un bambino muore.
Ad ogni doppio click Bill Gates guadagna 100 lire."
www.lupinaria.org
 - 
www.side-line.com


Meraviglioso.... :D
--
Tabris
ICQ#59082814
*Stargazer*,le stelle del metal: 
http://www.stargazer.it
"End is important in all things."
All hail the new sign!!!

 Un elfo oscuro, spero!
In Norvegia sono tutti pazzi per gli elfi, oscuri e non...Varg Vikernes li
adora, e' completamente innamorato degli Elfi e anche i Darkthrone, i
Satyricon li amano e rispettano.



Confermo...in Norvegia c'e' un legame fortissimo verso queste creature
mitologiche...
ci sono negozi dedicati alla vendita di libri,pupazzi,ecc..ecc... che
riguardano elfi....
E poi si trovano anche un po' dappertutto, anche dove aparentemente
c'entrano poco.... :-))))
IMO e' una cosa molto bella .....
Gajo

 Satyricon li amano e rispettano.
e gli hobbit ?
-- 
"...Blessed are those who break the rules..."
ZERO

90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOTFL!!!!
Mi sono pisciato addosso dalle risate :DDDD
NP: Darkthrone - Unholy black Metal (giuro! ^^)
-- 
Mr Satan 
bac...@libero.it
 ICQ UIN 52262260
Supremo Generale dell'esercito di IAMMlandia
Slam Dunk Fans Club: 
http://digilander.iol.it/slamdunk
It.Arti.Musica.Metal online: 
http://www.iammol.com
"Come! Mighty warrior! Come to help your t..y..your..OH GOD! OH GOD NO!"

particolarmente bello o particolarmente brutto?
E' bruttissimooooo!!! Bellissimo, nella sua bruttezza! Ma d'altra
parte e' un vero elfo... :DDD Anzi, nell'altro thread annullo il mio
voto a Staropoli e voto lui :D
NP: Darkthrone - Unholy Black Metal


Satyricon li amano e rispettano.
Addirittura da poco ho visto su una rivista un cartello stradale
Islandese che recava la figura di uno gnometto con la scritta
"attraversamento leprecauni".
Ma dimmi un po' tu.....


 Ma dimmi un po' tu.....
Una sera - mi trovavo in vacanza in Norvegia (era la prima volta che andai)
sono sicuro di aver incontrato un elfo per brevi istanti, brevi, ma
abbastanza lunghi per farmi credere tutto cio' che fino ad allora avevo
sentito nei racconti e letto nei libri.
Poteva essere alto circa 50 cm, con un vestito scuro (rossastro) molto
sfuggente, mi ha visto e si e' intrufolato da qualche parte, come uno
spiritello (ho visto chiaramente il viso affusolato e le braccia).
Mi trovavo a fare una passeggiata in un boschetto nei pressi di Bergen,
ricordo che era giovedi di un settembre di 4 anni fa.


Ma dimmi un po' tu.....
Su Focus, e i Leprechaun sono i folletti .-)
NP: Dying Fetus - Kill Your Mom, Rape Your Dog


 delete *POGUEMAHONEY* to reply
icq# 3346238 - 
http://eirinn.cjb.net/
 - "Towards infinite... and beyond!"

 --
Infatti su Focus la notizia era corretta...il cartello si riferiva ad una
citta' Irlandese...
:-)
Gajo

Su Focus, e i Leprechaun sono i folletti .-)
Vero, e tra l'altro non era in Islanda ma in Irlanda.


voto a Staropoli e voto lui :D
Mi avete fatto venire la curiosita'......c'e' mica qualche foto sul
web?



http://mortiis.neverland.nu/mainset.html
Gajo


http://mortiis.neverland.nu/mainset.html
E' bellissimo, mi sono commosso :'-)
Ma il naso e' truccato o ce l'ha cosi' di natura?


i Leprechaun sono esseri della mitologia celtica! IRLANDA!
Avra' slatato... non si9amo cosi' puntigliosi ;)


Ma il naso e' truccato o ce l'ha cosi' di natura?
Ma secondo te? :DDD
___
TheJack
Long live and prosper.
On Air: "Highway star" - Metal Church (Live)
www.stargazer.it
 
www.iammol.com
http://www.geocities.com/thrashlist/
ICQ# :86312829   IAFo #161   Club 7di9: Nr.22
"Il corpo umano e' stato sicuramente progettato da un 
ingegnere... nessun altro avrebbe messo il parco giochi
vicino allo scarico dei rifiuti..."

Ma secondo te? :DDD
Ti giuro che ho visto di peggio :-)


Ti giuro che ho visto di peggio :-)
Se sulla rete _devi_ dirmi dove altrimenti non ci credo... ^__^


Se sulla rete _devi_ dirmi dove altrimenti non ci credo... ^__^
Eh, purtroppo ne ho visti dal vivo! Nasi davvero importanti, quello di
Mortiis non e' il peggio del peggio. 
P.s. sto solo cercando di giustificare la fesseria della mia domanda,
il fatto che ho visto nasi peggiori potrebbe anceh essere inventato.


il fatto che ho visto nasi peggiori potrebbe anceh essere inventato.
ROTFL!!! Hehehehe
Ora si spiega tutto! :DDDD


Ti giuro che ho visto di peggio :-)
Vogliamo parlare delle orecchie?
NP: Tool  - Jerk-Off
