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To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

I dreamed I was sitting with the Writers ' Society exec , the old group of which I am the last one still involved in the Society , at a weirdly open - plan sort of Clubs Day . Several tables to our right , another , younger society was resolving a dispute primarily by ganging up on the disagreeing member and making her cry . I started ranting about this , causing a few heads to turn when my " DOING IT WRONG " echoed across the room . Eventually the group dispersed , their ringleader locking eyes with me as she walked past us , and I went over to the circle of chairs they left , where the girl was silently crying . She had a long blonde ponytail . " Boy , have I been there , " I said to her , choking up with sympathy tears , and then had to get up to fetch tissues . We shared a laugh - cry moment , and then for some reason I decided to share a Greek myth with her . " I mean , Heliotrope , " I said , " was having the worst day ever . Not only did she find out her husband was fucking a rabbit , but she literally turned into a painting . " ( At this point my dream treated me to a graphic vision of Heliotrope 's skin grafting onto the painting 's canvas as it absorbed her . ) " But let me tell you something , " I continued . " Heliotrope won . " But before I could explain how Heliotrope won , my mum came in and woke me up ( for the LAST TIME , which makes it fitting that it was absolutely classic - she told me last night when she expected me to be awake , I set my alarm for that time , and then she came in 40 mins earlier than my alarm to " fix " something about my room that wasn 't bothering me and opened the curtains so I couldn 't get back to sleep . ) Here 's the problem : there 's no such myth . The word heliotrope comes from a Greek story about a nymph who was in unrequited love with the sun - god Helios , and thereby turned into a flower whose face always turns toward the sun . This contains the right elements from my dream , of the lover forsaking you for someone else and of turning into something nonsentient , but a ) there 's no rabbits or pCurrent Mood : chipper I 've been dreaming odd things , like a virus that turns people into douchebags and somehow leads me to an underground cookie warehouse with a pudgy middle - aged topless androgynous but probably female head of security who has writing all over hir skin in sharpie and keeps secretly rearranging the toffees so the colours don 't pattern as well . Also , before I finished reading Alan Moore 's Voice of the Fire , I dreamed an extra chapter to it - one set in the future instead of the past - and took a while to remember that no , that wasn 't actually part of the book . I no longer remember what happened in the dream - chapter , but I 'm done with the real book now and I have got to say it was pretty awesome . I definitely reccommend it to anyone who enjoys a bit of grue in their some and appreciates cool stylistic devices , and / or is interested in British history . But trust me on the grue . My boyfriend had a St Andrew 's Day party , in which he and a couple of his friends cooked ALL OF THE SCOTTISH FOOD , if by Scottish you mean made of oats . I missed the bit with the potato cakes and the whole roast duck because of a meeting I had to go to at uni , but I got to partake of oatcakes , alcohol , oat - related alcohol , roast lamb and stew ( as far as I know , not containing oats ) and a sort of oat - and - nut dessert thing which turned out to be quite nice on top of oatcake . With tea . Also I trolled a Bear Grylls fan and was briefly subject to the awkward realisation that I was wedged on a couch between a dude with a girl on his lap on one side , and two chicks making out on the other . I couldn 't decide if I should feel intrusive or left out . Later , a fridge magnet flower fell into Tallulah 's cleavage in such perfect arrangement that I assumed it was there on purpose , but it turned out she hadn 't even noticed it was there . Or possibly earlier , my memory fails me . Alcohols ! Deadlines are starting to threaten to loom , but I have gotten done SOME things of use , so I feel sort of okay . I have applied for cross - institutional study , this time BEFORE the officCurrent Music : The Mountain Goats - How To Embrace A Swamp Creature This morning I dreamed three large dogs and I were tasked with the relocation of a flock of sheep from one of my kitchen cupboards to an undisclosed location . I decided to accomplish this by carrying one sheep at a time , leaving the dogs in charge of the rest of the flock . I lost the sheep somewhere between my house and the beach , where I found myself out on the rocks at the edge of the cliffs . Here a common theme of my dreams reappeared - you see , I tend to be slightly aware of what 's happening to my body in the waking world , but what 's usually happening to my body is . . . lying down with my eyes closed . So I periodically have dreams in which I have trouble moving my limbs or opening my eyes . So there I was , climbing the rocks by feel with eyelids like lead . I was heading for the edge but I got to the top instead , when I finally managed to open my eyes I was clinging to a rock with sheer cliff above and a fairly precarious climb down . At this point the dream featured an odd conversation with some people who were hanging out up there . I can 't remember the details , I think I wrote a song lyric on the cliff to demonstrate a point for some guy . Anyway , I eventually climbed down onto a road , and then jogged across it and some fields towards my house . I think I ran into a woman on my way , apologised and kept going , and then . . . something about Plants Vs Zombies , IDK . Except there were caves in it . I think I have been playing this game too much . I had this weird dream in which I was Batman and I had to get some people out of a big bear trap like pit thing under the noses of some random Evil People . And the last one required subterfuge in the form of making out . And then suddenly she was the Empress of a country or something that I 'd taken over and tradition required me as the new Empress ( I 'm pretty sure I was no longer Batman by this point . . . ) to have her literally turned into a statue , but that sounded painful , so I brought in my jewellery makers and got them to make a scale model of her in silver and rubies instead . The heart was half a ruby die as per Amanda Palmer . Then there was some faintly awkward nude modelling . I woke up just as I was trying to figure out how the golden hair would work - I was thinking it would stick into the head like on Barbie dolls , but that would require heating up the silver , which might then go out of shape . Yes , these are the things I worry about in dreams . . . . in other news I have a dress rehearsal today and I do not know my lines well enough ! And I do know it is poetry month but have not yet had time to post things ! : ( Ugh why am I still sleepy ? I slept in for so long this morning ! Now I 'm trying to sort out my centrelink thingies in time to go to the junction and do moar admin before rehearsal , but capped internet is screwing it up . And I still have to find a magnifying glass ! I 'm sunburnt ! But I now own a pair of long black socks with faux - stitching on , and a set of skeleton gloves which are somehow simultaneously loose at the wrist , tight in the knuckles and long at the fingertips . I think they were made for a small Ent . I can totally solve the fingertip problem by just cutting them off though . The gloves ' , not mine . Been sending off resumes , argh why must cover letters be so traumatic . But employment is hopefully on the horizon ! Goal no . 1 : an actual working PC . Goal no . 2 : a schedule that works out to ~ $ 400 a week so I can hopefully try moving out of my parents house sometime this year . Goal no . 3 : Tattoo . I want to put that earlier on that list but frankly my mother has had three separate meltdowns this week and this shit is just not on . Oh dear , excuse me while I find my headphones . * sigh * Goal no . 4 : Backpacking ! Europe ! With a backpack ! These plans are vague to the point of consisting entirely of one conversation with Maria that pretty much just went " oh my god backpacking through Europe would be so awesome ! " " oh my god I know ! " " neither of us is employed : ( " " oh my god I know : ( " ALSO been remembering dreams lately ( . . . non - metaphorical ones , I mean ) but . . . not WHOLE dreams , just really vague images . Three nights in a row now ! First Jamie from GWS and her gay - above - the - waist . . . ness . The next night featured the rhythm section of The Used , one of whom had to help me talk the other down from a tree , and I can 't remember why . . . and then there was probably sexytiems , because why wouldn 't there be . But the next one was TOTALLY NOT SEXY AT ALL as it involved really realistic and really CREEPY gaping flesh wounds that looked like papercuts until you tugged on them gently . WHAT IS ALL UP IN MY BRAIN , GUYS . IS IT THE HEAT . I THINK IT IS THE HEAT . Sometimes I remember my dreams . Sometimes I don 't . Sometimes , generally due to an untimely yet non - urgent wake - up call , I remember bits and pieces and cannot for the life of me figure out how they fit together , and become intensely curious as to What I 'm Missing , but alas . gone forever . For instance this morning I dreamed about bisexual porn and spaceship crashes . Actual porn mind , it wasn 't just a sex dream , it actually paused to let me know that the actors lubed up off camera . I blame fandom for this . I also get the feeling that one of the pornstars helped me out of the wreckage of my spaceship , but that may be a waking - confusion mashup . There was definitely a conspiracy of some sort involved in the crash , though , so who knows . Maybe the porn was part of the plot . Um hi morning . Afternoon . Afternoon . Shit . Solution : more bandombigbang . Clearly . The WitchI dreamed we were chasing her down a narrow concrete stairway , grimy and always a flight behindthough she would leave projections on the walls . I don 't remember what was in them . Finally there was a room , with strange things on hooksattached to the wall , shapes with no purpose . I pulled aside a green curtain and there was nothing behind it . She made us sit , and we sat . I thought I was wearing a dressbut I wasn 't . The floor between my legs was wet . Thesewere apparently related in some way . We talked casually , as though in high school , andI said " So then you want to dateme after all ? " But I don 't rememberto whom . Meanwhile she disappeared , or made us thinkshe disappeared . Who knows . I woke up and there was no sorceress , no stairwell , but thought the conversation realuntil midway through breakfast Iremembered . Then came amateur psychology . * * * Urgh , okay , maybe staying up till six am last night was a less - than - good idea . Now I 'm all brain - dead and I just conked out for an hour or two and I 've probably fucked up my sleeping patterns for a couple of days . Why ? WHO KNOWS . I think I was reading bandslash . Or something . And downloading crap . Have some otherpeoplespoetry for poetry month . ( I Sing the Body Electric ) The Body Electric would be such an awesome name for a band . Also what the hell is this bullshit ? That 's loony ! how would it even work internationally ? I 'm having these recurring dreams where I can walk through walls . Not all the time , though , I can 't just stick a hand through something . I have to really spread out and lean against it with my whole body and not pay attention and just sort of relax through it . I think it was coded to my self - consciousness issues , because that was the feeling when I couldn 't do it . Like people are looking at me , how can I just fall through a solid wall when they can see me ? I 'm also disconnecting the internet for the weekend and trying to get an absolutely ridiculous amount of practice essays done , woohoo . Maybe I should keep a notebook by my bed . I 've managed to forget most of an even weirder dream - I think I was some kind of slug that was a whiz at personal finance and also an architect , and please don 't ask how a bit of that dream managed to be about sex , because I think as a teenager I have a memo stuck to my file in the Sandman 's office : " Don 't forget the sex . " Er , I left that bit out of the last dream description . I can 't remember much else , except I insulted some fat chicks in an elevator . Go figure . Actually , that just reminded me of Schindler 's Lifts , and it occurs to me that those would have a much more sinister meaning if they had skyscrapers in the holocaust . Well , I don 't want this to turn into one of those journals that 's all dreams and whining , so from now on I 'll only post the ones that weird in a funny sort of way . Also , haircut ! It 's uh . . . well . Not quite what I asked for , and also not quite what I had in mind ( which I think are two completely different things because I had to translate it into Russian ) but it 's cute . There may be photos , there may not . Actually screw it , everyone at school will see it in like a week and I doubt the internet randoms really care that I look like one of Melaka Fray 's groupies . Also I think I could probably pull off the same semi - afro my parents both had in the eighties ( yes , both of them ) , which is a scary thought . I had the oddest dream this morning , as tends to happen when somebody wakes me up and then lets me go back to sleep and then wakes me up again ( thanks , dad ) . It was a Year twelve school camp , and we were on this huge balcony by the harbour . I was running around trying to plant this tree in a ridiculously small square of fertilizer , and there was this chocolate mud cake that I had to keep reminding people wasn 't for planting trees in , because it looked the same . At some point I went over to talk to Zoe - I don 't remember what that conversation was about , probably trees . Then Poppy asked me what colour vanilla was ( she was eating ice cream ) . That kind of melded into a ( legal studies excursion . . . ? ) Last night I dreamed of an episode of Supernatural in which Sam and Dean were hunting . . . Sam and Dean . Then the Spanish Inquisition arrived in pursuit of a pegasus , which turned out to be a girl . Of course Sam rescued her , and for some reason spoke to her in Spanish ( which was hot . Unfortunately the only foreign language he speaks on the show is Latin . Must re - watch that episode with the exorcism . . . ) Yeah , I 'm procrastinating . The layer of stuff on my desk is about ten centimetres thick , and I have so much to do for exams that I don 't even know where to start . Ahhh , why must there be school ? themissinghat . So . Bizarre . In other oddball news , today in assembly the orchestra unexpectedly struck out in a full brass - band version of the school song , complete with oom - pa - pa and a little * ting * from something shiny . I 'm not sure why , but it was simply hilarious at the time . And then later they played some famous overture whose name I forgot , and the conductor looked like he was having a siezure , and we just cracked up laughing . For some reason that whole assembly was just full of teh funny . It also reminded me of a strange dream I meant to recount . There was a whole crowd of us standing in the hall just inside the main entrance to the school , outside C4 . The way was blocked by two lines of teachers , and in the middle of them stood Mr Thompson The Deputy . They suspected that Ms Varady The Principal was dead in her office , but nobody wanted to go in and check . Eventually Mr Thompson asked very seriously " Does anyone have a handkerchief ? " and I gave him one . He took a run up and cricket - bowled it to Mr Cleaver , who was crouching near the reception area and kicked it onto a cupboard . Then everyone sort of stood around feeling stupid . No , I have no idea either . For Truth , Justuce , Freedom , Reasonably Priced Love , And A Hard Boiled Egg ! Also , I had a dream . But i can 't remember anything , except that there were librarians in it . I was in Bowen library , and the fiction section had been replaced by shelves and shelves of yellow pages , and the children 's section was in a circus tent . And I was like " You 've replaced the children 's books with - " and the librarian was like " Yes . " Today after ASC ( the course - which - is - not - mind - and - morality , for all you school people ) we went and listened to Karl Kruszelnicki give a talk on , apparently , life the universe and everything . I mean , he was talking about global warming , and then suddenly there were fridges involved , and then Amityville Horror . And the guy talks faster than I do ! A funny moment occurred before he started - his microphone wouldn 't work until he switched it off and then on again , and i couldn 't help bursting out with " OMG ! He 's got a Windows microphone ! " In other news , a dream from a few days ago . People were doing sucky things to the environment and the planet was all covered with machinery and stuff , and then " I " was standing on a beach , at night . And the sky just plain shattered open like a pinata and a huge wall of light and water came bursting through it , carrying a whale about the size of Sydney . Later there were little people living in tunnels ( NO NOT HOBBITS THANK YOU ) and I 've forgotten most of it . But the sky cracking open stayed with me for a while . The next morning i kept looking at it suspiciously . Gorram whales . An odd dream from a few days ago . I was chasing a large china doll around a field . It started beeping really fast and shrilly , and then exploded , causing me to die . I went back to the last save point , and this time prodded it with a stick to keep it at a distance . There was a wall that prevented me from leaving the field , and a really tall guy reached down and helped me over it . Then we were walking along a sort of really long pier from nowhere that zigzagged up and down and had random stairs . Except the POV switched and I was the guy . Anyway , there was something evil in the water and we were wondering if it was a shark . Then the pier finished up above a bunch of white houses in a bay surrounded by cliffs . Near one of the cliffs , a young couple were skinny dipping . The evil thing in the water lifted them up with a sort of black force that did head - snappy unpleasant things , and then turned the boy 's heart into an apple . Then it turned their bodies into funeral barges with offerings and things , and the bodies covered by cloths so nobody could tell how they 'd died . The barges floated down till they were caught by a quasi - egyptian civilisation that made a living off this sort of thing . It was kind of like a necropolis , all their clothes came from the dead etc . Anyway , there was a guy there who was Simon tam from Firefly , only a writer and not a doctor . He 'd been transplanted from our world into that one . He was sitting at a dinner table with a bucnh of necropolis men , one of whom was kind of Wash . When Simon mentioned he wrote fiction , they all laughed and Wash said " I went through a fiction phase when I was in college " . Simon said " Really ? " And then it dawned on him that if he was in a fictional world , they might have fiction about our world , so he asked " Have you ever heard of an ellipse ? " And Wash said , " Yeah , I read a book about that once . . . " There were a few more of those questions , and then another guy picked up the apple from the boat and said " Oh , this is a big one " . He got a pen - knife and cut into it , then dug hCurrent Mood : procrastinatey Gorrammit , the computer ate my entry . Well , anyway , here 's a bunny with a pancake on its head list of bizarre events : 1 . I was rudely awoken at 7am by a flock of parrots alighting noisily on a branch outside my window for no readily apparant reason . I thought they were supposed to be flying north for the winter ? NORTH , DAMMIT . 2 . Thanks to the aforementioned PARROTS OF DOOM waking me a little bit every time I started to drift off , I spent the next three hours in a semi - conscious haze , and had one of my characteristic weird - ass sciffy dreams . There was a bunch of people who had the " Sleepy Sickness " from Sandman , except they were also stuck in VR a la Tad Williams . Me and the Big Bad Wolf had to find a bunch of other people for an Epic Quest to save them , and for some reason I was an African man with weird green tubes in my hair . Anyway , we went to a grocery store , s where we got odd loks , so we pretended to be on our honeymoon . Then I got shipwrecked on an island inhabited by hillbillies who refused to feed me . A kid gave me a slice of bread for an American dollar , though . Then I found a net full of meat hanging from some trees and jumped up to try and reach some , but my arms were really heavy . There was a guy sitting on the net taunting me , but then he turned out to be the hilbillies grandfather and invited me to dinner . Halfway through the meal , I saw a steamboat coming towards the island , so I apologised profusely in Russian and ran down to the beach , where I met a man on a bicycle and his uber - jealous girlfriend , and then I woke up properly . 3 . On the bus to Avi 's house , I encountered a teenage goth punk . . . in the body of a sixtyfive - year - old man . He was wearing black tights , a black and white polka dotted skirt , a black leotard type thing with safety pins in it , a black leather jacket and glove ( singular ) , sliver rings , a black fuzzy hat with a black feather in it , long dangly faux - pearl earrings , and he had black face - paint stripes on his face and hands ( which looked very odd over the old - people veins ) . Also a Current Mood : giggly Link : http : / / www . livejournal . com / community / ghibli / 133289 . htmlWizard of Earthsea + Miyazaki = damn cool anime . Anyway , I went to the psych this morning . So now , if anyone ever tells me I need my head examined , I can tell them it 's been done . Yess . You know how I always have sciffy narrative dreams ? Well , now I 've had a horror flick narrative nightmare . Getting kinda weird . There was this typical middleclass suburban ( possibly American ) family , mom dad two kids a bit older than me , and they all went undeadified for some reason . I remember the boy was the kast to go , he started to run and then he was engulfed in flame . So anyway , this family of the undead then started going round to people 's houses and torturing them to death . I had a roaming POV , as usual . At one point i was this old man , and the mother looked at me with knives in her eyes , and he knew what was going to happen ( I think it may have involved Corinthian - style eye - gouging ) , and he picked up a kitchen knife and stabbed himself in the chest but nothing happened , and he knew she wasn 't going to let him die until she was finished with him . Creeeeepy . Link of the day : http : / / www . b3ta . com / questions / weirdteachers / Oh , how I laughed . Seriously , man , zombie sheep and bunsen burner tubing belts aside , that webpage is the funniest thing EVER . Why do the Poms get all the fun ? I just remembered that I was going to write about Saturday , but never did . Long ( long , LONG ) story short , a bunch of peopl ( EVENTUALLY ) arrived at Avi 's . Whereupon we noticed a strange coincidence - almost ALL of us were wearing black tops and jeans . Hmnmm , says we , haha . Then we played some poker . Little did we know . . . First , Liza tells us that she and her mum had the same dream about a car accident . Weird . Then , Alex tells us that Polina had a dream about Liza helping Laivi kill himself . . . and Liza replies that she and Laivi were actually just talking about the couple who 'd done the same thing . ( My dream was about finding a lunchbox full of five cent pieces at a library booksale - not nearly so dramatic , but Avi and I were trying to do tricks with a five cent coing while waiting [ and waiting ] for everyone to arrive . . . ) . Huh . . . odd . Liza then tells a funny story about discovering cicadas and frogs outside her house , and comments that she feels like Pharoah , with all the plagues ( cicadas = locusts ? ) , especially since there was that big storm and that was Darkness , right ? Me : That 's funny - you need Joseph to interpret your weird dreams ! Liza : Like Laivi ! Me : No , Laivi would be more like Jesus , what with his beard and everything . Sasha ( from the other side of the room , during a lul and not replying to us ) : Where 's the booze , man ? Alex , Liza and I look at each other . OMG . Alex : Hey , Sasha , come here ! Sasha : What ? Us : You have to interpret Liza 's dream ! Me : Yeah , she had this dream . . . so there was this farmer and he had these seven cows , right . . . In conclusion , after Alex got Jesus and Joseph mixed up a bit , we agreed that someting psychic was going on , and then promptly forgot about it . Your LJ Band by Karen _ WalkerUsernameAgeName of your LJ BandGuitaristjenninaniBassistkksssDrummercleolindaBack Up Dancer 1sghs _ formalBack Up Dancer 2hesfbRoadiewelovecookeGroupiescifantasyStalkerrukis _ croaxQuiz created with MemeGen ! I had a nice little chat with Delirium last night . I might have gotten half an hours sleep . Se managed to convince me that I was seven people , each responsible for a level of the skerry , and all the levels had to be let loose in the right order for the thing to die already so I could stop feeling like my spleen was on fire . But she lied , when I got to the last one I had to start all over again . It was dark and I was drifting , and at least I remember this one . It 's what I get for reading A Game of You before going to bed with a terrible fever . When was the last one I had ? I 'm sure it was this year . Hey kids , a public sevice announcement : vomiting sucks . Don 't ever get bullimia . Vomiting REALLY REALLY sucks . When there 's nothing left in your stomach you start vomiting up stomach acid , which burns your throat , and spasms aren 't nice at all . On the bright side , I learned something new today - when you start sweating it means the fever 's broken and you can finally get some sleep . At nine thirty in the morning . It was my street , but it wasn 't . Half of it faded into Default Suburbia , and the whole thing was in a valley . I was with someone who was Chloe and slightly Masha , and will hence be referred to as Chlosha . And everybody was dying . It was like an Agatha Christie , the one with the little statues , and the island . People kept turning up gruesomely murdered , and there was no evidence . Just tangible panic . My house suddenyl had several apartments upstairs , and ours was ful of people - some of them lying in pools of blood . Downstairs , the living room was normal , and Neil Gaiman was sleeping in it . We went to him for help , but Chlosha got paranoid and rigged up some kind of radio out of half a telephone and a stick . We sat half - way up the stairs and whispered . When I started rambling and telling Neil how we had made the radio , Chlosha pinched me until I stopped . We explained the situation , and he suggested we ask Adam and Eve , the middle aged couple in the apartment next to ours . So we went upstairs , and knocked on their door , and they were both hanging from the ceiling , their guts ripped out . We ran back downstairs , screaming , but Neil was being escorted out by guys in black suits and sunglasses , so we left the house . Then I understood , and I had to get out of the valley . I ran up the street that wasn 't afflicted by Generic Suburbia ( it was like real life , only on a hill ) , but it was getting steeper and steeper and as I ran knife wounds opened in my belly , and I clutched them and kept running , staggering . I passed Chlosha , who was now a boy wit stumpy melting legs standing behind a wheelchair containing a pile of flesh which was also him . I urged him to run , he was almost out of the valley , but he just looked at me with sad eyes . So I went over the hill alone , and my wounds disappeared as spring ended . I spoke to Madeliene , telling her I 'd figured it all out , the plant was using us to breed . I walked behind a huge tree root and excitedly showed her the pollen mixed with the dirt , explaining how the plant used armadillos to Current Mood : weirded out

This Christmas , my sisters and I are giving my mother a good death . Preparing for a present like this has taken us many years . Once we knew Mom had Alzheimers , we also knew we wanted her to stay at home for as long as imaginable to be supported by and supportive of my father . They live in a Victorian house and sometimes my older sister Nancy said it was like balancing everything on a toothpick . When my mother had a stroke six months ago , we moved to twenty - four hour care instead of the daytime care we then had in place . And now the work of caregiver interviews , the work of responding to emerging needs over the years , the work of being committed to them living an old age of dignity and as much independence as possible , is coming to fruition . I don 't know if we ever thought of it as having a point of fruition , but now in this bleak midwinter , in these days of windstorms that snatch our electricity away and snowstorms that challenge anyone on the road ( except our intrepid caregivers ) , as our village is blanketed by beautiful white flakes and the ground is buried by the snow , now my mother , when she needs it , can have it - a good death . She 's in a bed , not her own , a hospital bed , but it 's her own bed right now . And she has her family around her . My father sings songs to her , when able . We hold her hand and we talk to her , and we are reading from Mama 's Bank Account , about a Norwegian - American mother at the turn of the twentieth century . And we know this is our Mama , the archetypal Norwegian - American Mama , resourceful , funny , determined Mama , whose recipes have names like lutefisk , yulekage , leftsa , rumegrat . I know a Mama who prepared hot chocolate and spritz cookies ; a Mama with a daughter with a desire to be a writer . So we read these stories , we take turns , each sister , one holding her hands , and one reading , and one sitting in a rocking chair as the snow falls outside , snow on snow . We know that out mother is comfortable , and we know that our mother is loved and experiencing our love , and we take our tears to another room , where we decorate the Christmas tree , and we clothe this old Victorian house in more Christmas lights than its ever known . And we think of how some of the Christmas carols that talk about welcoming birth could just as easily be talking about giving a good death . I wake up early in the morning and look out my window at a winter wonderland , and I know that because I 've slept through the night , all is calm downstairs . And I feel the intersection of mythic stories and the Christmas story . The tender loving care that a babe in a manger needs , a dying person needs . Like birthing , dying is a holy time . We struggle to accept the mystery of it . Our primary caregiver , Freddie , is now a midwife of the soul . She is teaching us all . Each night here , is a holy night . And as this silent night passes into a snowy morning , I know I can go downstairs and do again the things we did yesterday and the day before . The things that all together are giving my mother , I pray , a good death . In the bleak midwinter , what can I give ? I will do my part . I give my heart to this , to this gift that my mother most needs : a good death . Of all the anonymous people who have influenced my life , a special place is held by a Norwegian immigrant farmer who hired my grandmother to help with household chores . My grandmother , Nellie , had been orphaned at eight and raised by an elderly childless aunt and uncle . She was a teenager , when , around 1910 or so , she went to work for the nearby farmer , helping to cook and clean up . What happened exactly , I don 't know . When I interviewed my mother and her sister in the 1990s about their childhood , they each reported that the farmer had chased their mother around the kitchen table . He influenced my mother because he terrified her mother . This early experience of sexual harassment made Nellie extremely suspicious of men and , when she married , extremely protective of her two daughters born fourteen months apart . Protective is perhaps too kind . Her mother saw the world as a dangerous place for women , and she kept her girls near her , suffocatingly so . Add to that , she was strict . She allowed her son , Robert , the third child , the freedom to roam ; with his bicycle he could wherever he wanted after school . My mother and her sister had to come straight home . He could invite friends over ; he could go to friend 's houses . Toni Morrison in her elegant Playing in the Dark says that the enslavement of African - Americans in the first part of the nineteenth century heightened the meaning of liberty for whites . It 's as though whites needed to illustrate how free they were by how enslaved others were . My mother and my sister experienced the reverse : they knew how homebound they were by their brother 's freedom to roam . Their lives seemed all the more restricted in the face of their brother 's freedom to exit and return . If there had been no brother , Margaret and Muriel would still have had to come home after school , would still have had an overcautious mother , but they would not have been reminded daily that it was because they weren 't boys that their lives were so constrained . My mother had an abiding sense of the injustice to women at being treated differently . I read somewhere that we are always leaving our mothers . Our arrival in the world is also a departure from their body as our world . Both Margaret and Muriel were bright girls . Muriel was valedictorian of her class . St . Olaf offered her a scholarship , but it was the Depression , her parents didn 't really understand how such funding worked , nor even how college worked . College was not a way out . During the height of the Depression , these two young women plotted how to escape their mother and their small town . Margaret hit upon an idea : Mom would teach and put Margaret through school ; then Margaret would get a job and put Mom through school . My mother went to work in a one room school room in rural Minnesota , and sent money to Minneapolis to support Margaret as she went through business college ( secretarial school ) . After two years my mother was going to join her in Minneapolis , and Margaret , armed with her degree and a job would put my mother through business college . My mother quit her job , and then learned that Margaret had not yet earned enough money for Mom to come to Minneapolis . So my mother had to take a job in another town , another one room schoolroom . It was a miserable year . Finally , she was liberated into life in the big city . What a grand time they had . We need more stories about single women and the lives they led at the end of the 1930s and the early 1940s . They each landed great jobs for women at that time . They golfed ; they played bridge ; they had women friends . The world of Minneapolis was theirs ! When World War II broke out , Margaret joined the Women 's Army Corps and Muriel the Red Cross . Mom was sent to Hawaii . When the war was over , Margaret was stationed in Japan , and Mom was engaged to be married . She was coming home . She wrote to her parents telling them of her arrival time at the train station . She got off of the train and looked for her parents . No one was there . She waited for a while , watching to see them arrive . No one showed up to pick her up . She was confused . She had sent the time of her train 's arrival . What happened ? Finally , she grabbed a taxi and took it to the house . She asked her mother why her father wasn 't at the train station . Her mother told her she did not send her father to great her at the train station because she had disapproved of her going to Hawaii , because Muriel had not asked for permission to join the Red Cross . ( At the time , she was thirty years old ! ) . My mother encouraged her daughters to leave home early and often - if we wanted . We all went abroad as teenagers . We knew a warm welcome was always awaiting us . And we all know where we want to be right now . They are there ; I 'll be joining them soon . Her life , now , is constrained by dementia , age , and a recent stroke . But my mother 's fascinating and full life stretches from the beginnings of the Great War to the mess of Afghanistan , 2009 . The daughter of a Norwegian immigrant , one of her jobs at General Mills in the early 1940s was answering letters as Betty Crocker . She knew the whirlwind nature of a World War II romance . In 1957 , as the United States was fretting about the implications of the Russian launch of Sputnik , the first artificial satellite , she designed a Sputnik Halloween costume for her first grader . In the 1960s , she helped women get abortions and advocated for migrant workers . By 1970 , she participated in the Women 's Strike for Equality ( and wondered if my father noticed she hadn 't cooked dinner that night ) . Without the resources of Facebook to keep her family connected , she wrote wonderful letters ( in triplicate - one for each daughter ) . Now , she is in a fragile state of health . But this simply means it is not too late to celebrate this American woman - who never accepted " No " as a final answer . I say " Yes ! , " a resounding yes to the life she has led . Let me plunk her down in the middle of the 1960s in a chicken coop . She 's gone there with Willard , a physics professor and a Quaker , his wife Laura , and Tom , a Methodist minister . They are there to clean it . Dried , flaking chicken shit is flying everywhere . All of them have been very involved in improving the living conditions of the migrant workers who arrived in Western New York every summer to pick crops . Each year in January , farmers would fly to Puerto Rico to hire laborers . Then , when they were needed , the men would be flown to Buffalo and from there be taken to lodgings the farmers provided . Mom and her friends had learned that a local farmer planned on keeping his migrant workers in an old chicken coop . They went to inspect it and were shocked by its condition . That day they returned with buckets , soap , rags , and determination . With my mother ( and the others as well ) determination always prevailed . After hours of cleaning , they felt the place was habitable . And for many , many years , they laughed about the day that they returned home covered in white . My father was a local attorney , and represented many of the farmers whom Mom was encountering in her work to improve migrant camp conditions . On another occasion , Willard and Mom went to the migrant camp of one of the large growers in Chautauqua County . Each spring , he brought about thirty - five men up from Puerto Rico to help him plant the tomatoes and vegetables . In the summer , he would add more men to help with the picking . By the fall , when the grapes had to be picked , he had about eighty - five men in his lodging . The rooms that housed the men were each about 8 by 10 feet , with double bunks . The little stove they had to cook on was an open gas flame burner . The cook slept on one of the bunks in the second tier , and had hung a blanket from the ceiling to keep the light from the open gas burner out of his eyes . The blanket was suspended perilously close to the open flame . Willard and Mom saw this fire trap and Mom reported it to the gas company . The gas company came and replaced the open stove with vent pipes and an enclosed heater . The farmer was really angry about that because the gas company immediately sent him the bill . The next time the farmer saw Willard he referred to my father , who was the farmer 's lawyer . The farmer complained , " he 's such a good lawyer , if he could only control his wife . " I love these two stories ! Before anyone claimed that shit happens ( and caregivers know that fact for a truth better than anyone ! ) , we kids knew that chickenshit happens , hazardous conditions exist , and as a result advocacy and good buckets are always needed . Yes , Mom showed us how chickenshit happens . It 's what you do about it that matters . Natalie Portman is being gleefully skewered by bloggers and columnists for comparing attending a dinner with meat eaters with being asked to accept rape . What if Natalie Portman had suggested the opposite , not that meat eating is like rape , but that rape is like meat eating ? " He treated me like a piece of meat ! " that 's one thing that a rape survivor may say . A battered woman reported : " He really made me feel like a piece of meat , like a receptacle . My husband had told me that all a girl was was a servant who could not think , a receptacle , a piece of meat . " In these examples , meat 's meaning does not refer to itself but to how a woman victim of violence felt . Without animals there would be no meat eating , yet they are absent from the act of eating meat because they have been transformed into food . The absent referent is that which separates the flesh eater from the animal and the animal from the end product One does not eat meat without the death of an animal . Live animals are thus the absent referents in the concept of meat . The absent referent permits us to forget about the animal as an independent entity ; it also enables us to resist efforts to make animals present . The absent referent functions to cloak the violence inherent to meat eating , to protect the conscience of the meat eater and render the idea of individual animals as immaterial to anyone 's selfish desires . . The function of the absent referent is to allow for the moral abandonment of a being . The animals become absent referents , whose fate is transmuted into a metaphor for someone else 's existence or fate . It is there through inference , but its meaningfulness reflects only upon what it refers to because the originating , literal , experience that contributes the meaning is not there . We fail to accord this absent referent its own existence . This is the frustration of any alert vegan when eating with meat eaters . We encounter the absent referent before us , and the question is : what is our responsibility ? When vegans eat with meat eaters , many of us don 't see " meat . " We see the remains of a morally abandoned being , at the center of the table , being buried into the stomachs of those around us . We are not just supposed to be quiet , we are supposed to be polite . What if Natalie Portman had used feminist - vegan theory ? What if she had said something directly from The Sexual Politics of Meat : Through the structure of the absent referent , patriarchal values become institutionalized , and the result is interconnected , overlapping oppressions : Sexual violence and meat eating , which appear to be discrete forms of violence , find a point of intersection in the absent referent . A structure of overlapping but absent referents links violence against women and the fragmentation and dismemberment of nature and the body in Western culture . Is there a sound bite for that ? The Pornography of Meat proposes that women are animalized and animals are sexualized and feminized . Perhaps this is why advertisements for meat eating obsessively present and represent these interconnected oppressions . According to meat eating ads , someone wants to be eaten , the question is who . In the sexist responses to Portman 's statement , some men have been providing their own salacious answer . It has to do with meat eating , it has to do with the sexual politics of meat . There is nothing surprising in any of this . That 's this vegan - feminist 's lament . How Green Was My Valley , a movie from 1941 , is a painful movie for me to watch . It 's about conflicts in a Welsh mining town that also tear apart a Welsh mining family . Whenever there 's a mining accident , the call goes out for rescuers who will go down in the damaged mine and work to save the miners trapped there . The call for help begins " Who is for " and then the names of the trapped miners are called out . At a pivotal moment in the film , a collapse of the mine traps the patriarch of the family and the call resounds , " Who is for Gwilym Morgan and the others ? " An unlikely person , the minister of the town , joins the group of miners who descend the elevator into the mines . This week I 'm in upstate New York , hiring caregivers for my mother who , like the miners , is trapped as well - trapped by her Alzheimer 's and by a recent minor stroke . But like the miners still alive in the mine , she 's still there . Many people might not take the time to see this , but we want caregivers who will . My job is to stand at the elevator to the mine and call out " Who 's for My Mom ? " Yesterday , we interviewed two possible caregivers , and one was clearly for my Mom and one wasn 't , and the contrast was so stark that they could be used as case studies in hiring careproviders . I was anxious and concerned because this job of hiring is usually done by my sister Nancy who has worked in the health care field . I talked with Freddie , my Mom 's primary caregiver , about how the interview should be structured . Then I called Nancy and we created some questions to ask . Here 's what Nancy and Freddie already knew - when you start asking questions , the person 's answers will reveal the nature of their caregiving approaches . With the right questions , I would have no trouble recognizing someone with a personal touch and someone with an institutional approach . We don 't want Mom to be seen as an invalid , but as a person with qualities and a personality that are still alive down in the mine . We don 't want her impediments to be seShare As far as I can learn , Susan B . Anthony , Elizabeth Cady Stanton , Gandhi , Abraham Lincoln , Frederick Douglass , Nelson Mandela , and a host of other world - changing activists and leaders never had to take their clothes off in the service of their cause . They would have laughed at the idea . Is it because they were concerned about human rights ? Is there something peculiar to animal rights that has inspired at least one organization to continually strip clothes off of its ( overwhelmingly female ) activists ? Often it is said , animal activists are the voice of the voiceless . This claim , so hugely anthropocentric ( as though the only voices that we can hear speak words ) , creates an anxiety about what is our responsibility to these beings whom we are tacitly acknowledging are different from us because they can 't be speak . It creates an urgency : we must do what we can , we must do it now . But then the interesting thing that happens is that , rather than giving voices to its activists , it takes away their voices by emphasizing their bodies , their naked bodies . The latest to be added to the long list of naked or nearly - naked activists is Lydia Guevara , Che Guevara 's granddaughter . As far I can tell , Che Guevera never stripped for his cause ; and the only time he is shown nude is after his death . This is not the picture being used in the animal campaign . I asked my son to add a t - shirt . The question I want to pose is what is the meaning of the t - shirt ? Is anything gained by asking Lydia Guevara to take it off ? Why does any animal activist think a t - shirt removed is more effective to raise the issue of animal exploitation ? I would argue that the t - shirt is to this picture what stripping women is to PETA . It is their " tell . " According to Wikipedia , " A tell in poker is a subtle but detectable change in a player 's behavior or demeanor that gives clues to that player 's assessment of his hand . " Clearly , PETA feels that if they were to let Lydia Guevara keep her t - shirt they would be giving away something they don 't want to . TheyShare The parish church of Steventon is the church her father served when Jane Austen was born . It remains an active congregation and they maintain what I call " a ministry of Austen hospitality . " They encourage tour groups to let them know they are coming and they meet them , open the church door , and answer questions about Austen 's time in Steventon . My guide and I sat quietly in the church for several minutes . I offered thanks for the life of Jane Austen . In one of her last letters , Jane Austen described the house and referred to the " neat little Draw [ in ] g - room with a Bow - window " that overlooked a garden . We sat on a ledge facing this bow - window and , again , thought of Jane Austen . Her last days were painful . Austen was buried here , in Winchester Cathedral . You can find her ledger stone on the floor : If you are only 5 ' 5 " , it is hard to photograph this . Even standing on a chair purloined from nearby , it 's not easy to get a good angle . I spent a long time trying to get a good picture and then realized , lots of professional photographs exist . So , I put my camera down , and looked up . In her letter to her niece , after the funeral was over , Cassandra told her , it wasn 't watching the funeral procession that overpowered her . It was writing the letter that described it . Oh , the power of words . How brilliant . Or , as my British host said in response to a claim I was making about Jane Austen , " Clever you ! " These are the words from Darcy 's first proposal to Elizabeth Bennet , ( almost , Darcy says " ardently " rather than " much " ) . Sitting there , by the flowers , they take on an entirely new meaning . How ardently we do love and admire you , Jane Austen . In May 1995 , I bought , at auction , the office equipment of the national office of Operation Rescue . It had been seized earlier that spring to help settle a $ 1 , 000 , 000 legal judgment against Operation Rescue for its role in trying to close down the Planned Parenthood clinic in Houston . The office equipment included six computers . When the constables arrived to seize the equipment from the national office of Operation Rescue , an office person attempted to destroy the material on the computers , but had only eliminated the most recent operating system . Using an older operating system , the entire contents of the six computers was discovered . One of the items we found on the hard drives was the diary of anti - abortion clinic protestor . He was called a " missionary to the pre - born " and it was part of his job to update people who provided monthly support to him . The diary was chilling . It tells , matter of factly , his daily labors - - of how he would stand outside a Dallas clinic and yell " murderer " to the doctor as he arrived . Though Operation Rescue claimed they did not do it , he was writing down the license plate numbers of all the cars who pulled into the place . One night , he came back and went through the garbage that had been left out . He followed the office secretary to the bank where she was making a deposit and then demanded that the bank not accept the " blood money . " It takes many pages , but he describes how he and others , using several cars and over many days , succeed at following a doctor home . The doctor lived in a gated community , but through deception and persistence , they get in and discover where he lives . When we read this in 1995 , we immediately notified the doctor . This " missionary " also found ways to divert women coming for abortions to the anti - abortion " clinic . " On the day I bought the equipment , I was a nervous wreck . My partner , who was too well known to Operation Rescue to attend the auction and buy the equipment , handed me Pepto Bismal with one hand and mace with the other . ( Mac | Athens , Georgia . Coming to Georgia in March and finding a fully - formed snow man - err , snow person - greeting me on campus creates a moment of incongruity . Pear trees are beginning to send out blossoms , but snow is on the ground . Georgia has had a rare March snow storm ; and after the big wet flakes had lost their fascination , they continued to fall . Trees are down along the river that abuts the campus ; this area provides a nice forest - y feel next to all the institutional buildings , but apparently campus expansion will take some of it away . The river water is brown , from all the melting snow ; and limbs of trees lie broken off from their trunks . We pass the " Meat Tech " building ; a small sign announces it . Georgia is the biggest poultry producer ; and UGA focuses on " poultry " in this department . The Save Our Species sponsors talk about how often , after an event - a film or a speaker - students will come up and say , " my uncle / father / family are farmers but they don 't do what that film says . " It is hard to imagine one 's family as culpable . The animal industrial complex ( Barbara Noske 's term ) requires workers on all levels . We have learned how contract farmers who provide the birds to the big companies like Tyson slowly got pulled further and further into factory farming to continue to make a profit . Warehousing animals was one of the consequences ; medicines to deal with the effects of keeping birds so close together , and debeaking , and all the other inhumane treatments appeared . Somebody has to do that . People do not want to see themselves as inhumane . Afterwards , at a vegan Mexican dinner and book signing , I talked with students . I hear from several of them , " People say , ' I get it , but I don 't want to give up my hamburger , or I don 't want to give up my chicken sandwich . ' " I 've heard that too , and my temptation is to respond to the second part of the sentence and say " well , you 're selfish . " Clearly , this is a difficult thing to do if you want to keep your friends . Then I real |

This Christmas , my sisters and I are giving my mother a good death . Preparing for a present like this has taken us many years . Once we knew Mom had Alzheimers , we also knew we wanted her to stay at home for as long as imaginable to be supported by and supportive of my father . They live in a Victorian house and sometimes my older sister Nancy said it was like balancing everything on a toothpick . When my mother had a stroke six months ago , we moved to twenty - four hour care instead of the daytime care we then had in place . And now the work of caregiver interviews , the work of responding to emerging needs over the years , the work of being committed to them living an old age of dignity and as much independence as possible , is coming to fruition . I don 't know if we ever thought of it as having a point of fruition , but now in this bleak midwinter , in these days of windstorms that snatch our electricity away and snowstorms that challenge anyone on the road ( except our intrepid caregivers ) , as our village is blanketed by beautiful white flakes and the ground is buried by the snow , now my mother , when she needs it , can have it - a good death . She 's in a bed , not her own , a hospital bed , but it 's her own bed right now . And she has her family around her . My father sings songs to her , when able . We hold her hand and we talk to her , and we are reading from Mama 's Bank Account , about a Norwegian - American mother at the turn of the twentieth century . And we know this is our Mama , the archetypal Norwegian - American Mama , resourceful , funny , determined Mama , whose recipes have names like lutefisk , yulekage , leftsa , rumegrat . I know a Mama who prepared hot chocolate and spritz cookies ; a Mama with a daughter with a desire to be a writer . So we read these stories , we take turns , each sister , one holding her hands , and one reading , and one sitting in a rocking chair as the snow falls outside , snow on snow . We know that out mother is comfortable , and we know that our mother is loved and experiencing our love , and we take our tears to another room , where we decorate the Christmas tree , and we clothe this old Victorian house in more Christmas lights than its ever known . And we think of how some of the Christmas carols that talk about welcoming birth could just as easily be talking about giving a good death . I wake up early in the morning and look out my window at a winter wonderland , and I know that because I 've slept through the night , all is calm downstairs . And I feel the intersection of mythic stories and the Christmas story . The tender loving care that a babe in a manger needs , a dying person needs . Like birthing , dying is a holy time . We struggle to accept the mystery of it . Our primary caregiver , Freddie , is now a midwife of the soul . She is teaching us all . Each night here , is a holy night . And as this silent night passes into a snowy morning , I know I can go downstairs and do again the things we did yesterday and the day before . The things that all together are giving my mother , I pray , a good death . In the bleak midwinter , what can I give ? I will do my part . I give my heart to this , to this gift that my mother most needs : a good death . Of all the anonymous people who have influenced my life , a special place is held by a Norwegian immigrant farmer who hired my grandmother to help with household chores . My grandmother , Nellie , had been orphaned at eight and raised by an elderly childless aunt and uncle . She was a teenager , when , around 1910 or so , she went to work for the nearby farmer , helping to cook and clean up . What happened exactly , I don 't know . When I interviewed my mother and her sister in the 1990s about their childhood , they each reported that the farmer had chased their mother around the kitchen table . He influenced my mother because he terrified her mother . This early experience of sexual harassment made Nellie extremely suspicious of men and , when she married , extremely protective of her two daughters born fourteen months apart . Protective is perhaps too kind . Her mother saw the world as a dangerous place for women , and she kept her girls near her , suffocatingly so . Add to that , she was strict . She allowed her son , Robert , the third child , the freedom to roam ; with his bicycle he could wherever he wanted after school . My mother and her sister had to come straight home . He could invite friends over ; he could go to friend 's houses . Toni Morrison in her elegant Playing in the Dark says that the enslavement of African - Americans in the first part of the nineteenth century heightened the meaning of liberty for whites . It 's as though whites needed to illustrate how free they were by how enslaved others were . My mother and my sister experienced the reverse : they knew how homebound they were by their brother 's freedom to roam . Their lives seemed all the more restricted in the face of their brother 's freedom to exit and return . If there had been no brother , Margaret and Muriel would still have had to come home after school , would still have had an overcautious mother , but they would not have been reminded daily that it was because they weren 't boys that their lives were so constrained . My mother had an abiding sense of the injustice to women at being treated differently . I read somewhere that we are always leaving our mothers . Our arrival in the world is also a departure from their body as our world . Both Margaret and Muriel were bright girls . Muriel was valedictorian of her class . St . Olaf offered her a scholarship , but it was the Depression , her parents didn 't really understand how such funding worked , nor even how college worked . College was not a way out . During the height of the Depression , these two young women plotted how to escape their mother and their small town . Margaret hit upon an idea : Mom would teach and put Margaret through school ; then Margaret would get a job and put Mom through school . My mother went to work in a one room school room in rural Minnesota , and sent money to Minneapolis to support Margaret as she went through business college ( secretarial school ) . After two years my mother was going to join her in Minneapolis , and Margaret , armed with her degree and a job would put my mother through business college . My mother quit her job , and then learned that Margaret had not yet earned enough money for Mom to come to Minneapolis . So my mother had to take a job in another town , another one room schoolroom . It was a miserable year . Finally , she was liberated into life in the big city . What a grand time they had . We need more stories about single women and the lives they led at the end of the 1930s and the early 1940s . They each landed great jobs for women at that time . They golfed ; they played bridge ; they had women friends . The world of Minneapolis was theirs ! When World War II broke out , Margaret joined the Women 's Army Corps and Muriel the Red Cross . Mom was sent to Hawaii . When the war was over , Margaret was stationed in Japan , and Mom was engaged to be married . She was coming home . She wrote to her parents telling them of her arrival time at the train station . She got off of the train and looked for her parents . No one was there . She waited for a while , watching to see them arrive . No one showed up to pick her up . She was confused . She had sent the time of her train 's arrival . What happened ? Finally , she grabbed a taxi and took it to the house . She asked her mother why her father wasn 't at the train station . Her mother told her she did not send her father to great her at the train station because she had disapproved of her going to Hawaii , because Muriel had not asked for permission to join the Red Cross . ( At the time , she was thirty years old ! ) . My mother encouraged her daughters to leave home early and often - if we wanted . We all went abroad as teenagers . We knew a warm welcome was always awaiting us . And we all know where we want to be right now . They are there ; I 'll be joining them soon . Her life , now , is constrained by dementia , age , and a recent stroke . But my mother 's fascinating and full life stretches from the beginnings of the Great War to the mess of Afghanistan , 2009 . The daughter of a Norwegian immigrant , one of her jobs at General Mills in the early 1940s was answering letters as Betty Crocker . She knew the whirlwind nature of a World War II romance . In 1957 , as the United States was fretting about the implications of the Russian launch of Sputnik , the first artificial satellite , she designed a Sputnik Halloween costume for her first grader . In the 1960s , she helped women get abortions and advocated for migrant workers . By 1970 , she participated in the Women 's Strike for Equality ( and wondered if my father noticed she hadn 't cooked dinner that night ) . Without the resources of Facebook to keep her family connected , she wrote wonderful letters ( in triplicate - one for each daughter ) . Now , she is in a fragile state of health . But this simply means it is not too late to celebrate this American woman - who never accepted " No " as a final answer . I say " Yes ! , " a resounding yes to the life she has led . Let me plunk her down in the middle of the 1960s in a chicken coop . She 's gone there with Willard , a physics professor and a Quaker , his wife Laura , and Tom , a Methodist minister . They are there to clean it . Dried , flaking chicken shit is flying everywhere . All of them have been very involved in improving the living conditions of the migrant workers who arrived in Western New York every summer to pick crops . Each year in January , farmers would fly to Puerto Rico to hire laborers . Then , when they were needed , the men would be flown to Buffalo and from there be taken to lodgings the farmers provided . Mom and her friends had learned that a local farmer planned on keeping his migrant workers in an old chicken coop . They went to inspect it and were shocked by its condition . That day they returned with buckets , soap , rags , and determination . With my mother ( and the others as well ) determination always prevailed . After hours of cleaning , they felt the place was habitable . And for many , many years , they laughed about the day that they returned home covered in white . My father was a local attorney , and represented many of the farmers whom Mom was encountering in her work to improve migrant camp conditions . On another occasion , Willard and Mom went to the migrant camp of one of the large growers in Chautauqua County . Each spring , he brought about thirty - five men up from Puerto Rico to help him plant the tomatoes and vegetables . In the summer , he would add more men to help with the picking . By the fall , when the grapes had to be picked , he had about eighty - five men in his lodging . The rooms that housed the men were each about 8 by 10 feet , with double bunks . The little stove they had to cook on was an open gas flame burner . The cook slept on one of the bunks in the second tier , and had hung a blanket from the ceiling to keep the light from the open gas burner out of his eyes . The blanket was suspended perilously close to the open flame . Willard and Mom saw this fire trap and Mom reported it to the gas company . The gas company came and replaced the open stove with vent pipes and an enclosed heater . The farmer was really angry about that because the gas company immediately sent him the bill . The next time the farmer saw Willard he referred to my father , who was the farmer 's lawyer . The farmer complained , " he 's such a good lawyer , if he could only control his wife . " I love these two stories ! Before anyone claimed that shit happens ( and caregivers know that fact for a truth better than anyone ! ) , we kids knew that chickenshit happens , hazardous conditions exist , and as a result advocacy and good buckets are always needed . Yes , Mom showed us how chickenshit happens . It 's what you do about it that matters . Natalie Portman is being gleefully skewered by bloggers and columnists for comparing attending a dinner with meat eaters with being asked to accept rape . What if Natalie Portman had suggested the opposite , not that meat eating is like rape , but that rape is like meat eating ? " He treated me like a piece of meat ! " that 's one thing that a rape survivor may say . A battered woman reported : " He really made me feel like a piece of meat , like a receptacle . My husband had told me that all a girl was was a servant who could not think , a receptacle , a piece of meat . " In these examples , meat 's meaning does not refer to itself but to how a woman victim of violence felt . Without animals there would be no meat eating , yet they are absent from the act of eating meat because they have been transformed into food . The absent referent is that which separates the flesh eater from the animal and the animal from the end product One does not eat meat without the death of an animal . Live animals are thus the absent referents in the concept of meat . The absent referent permits us to forget about the animal as an independent entity ; it also enables us to resist efforts to make animals present . The absent referent functions to cloak the violence inherent to meat eating , to protect the conscience of the meat eater and render the idea of individual animals as immaterial to anyone 's selfish desires . . The function of the absent referent is to allow for the moral abandonment of a being . The animals become absent referents , whose fate is transmuted into a metaphor for someone else 's existence or fate . It is there through inference , but its meaningfulness reflects only upon what it refers to because the originating , literal , experience that contributes the meaning is not there . We fail to accord this absent referent its own existence . This is the frustration of any alert vegan when eating with meat eaters . We encounter the absent referent before us , and the question is : what is our responsibility ? When vegans eat with meat eaters , many of us don 't see " meat . " We see the remains of a morally abandoned being , at the center of the table , being buried into the stomachs of those around us . We are not just supposed to be quiet , we are supposed to be polite . What if Natalie Portman had used feminist - vegan theory ? What if she had said something directly from The Sexual Politics of Meat : Through the structure of the absent referent , patriarchal values become institutionalized , and the result is interconnected , overlapping oppressions : Sexual violence and meat eating , which appear to be discrete forms of violence , find a point of intersection in the absent referent . A structure of overlapping but absent referents links violence against women and the fragmentation and dismemberment of nature and the body in Western culture . Is there a sound bite for that ? The Pornography of Meat proposes that women are animalized and animals are sexualized and feminized . Perhaps this is why advertisements for meat eating obsessively present and represent these interconnected oppressions . According to meat eating ads , someone wants to be eaten , the question is who . In the sexist responses to Portman 's statement , some men have been providing their own salacious answer . It has to do with meat eating , it has to do with the sexual politics of meat . There is nothing surprising in any of this . That 's this vegan - feminist 's lament . How Green Was My Valley , a movie from 1941 , is a painful movie for me to watch . It 's about conflicts in a Welsh mining town that also tear apart a Welsh mining family . Whenever there 's a mining accident , the call goes out for rescuers who will go down in the damaged mine and work to save the miners trapped there . The call for help begins " Who is for " and then the names of the trapped miners are called out . At a pivotal moment in the film , a collapse of the mine traps the patriarch of the family and the call resounds , " Who is for Gwilym Morgan and the others ? " An unlikely person , the minister of the town , joins the group of miners who descend the elevator into the mines . This week I 'm in upstate New York , hiring caregivers for my mother who , like the miners , is trapped as well - trapped by her Alzheimer 's and by a recent minor stroke . But like the miners still alive in the mine , she 's still there . Many people might not take the time to see this , but we want caregivers who will . My job is to stand at the elevator to the mine and call out " Who 's for My Mom ? " Yesterday , we interviewed two possible caregivers , and one was clearly for my Mom and one wasn 't , and the contrast was so stark that they could be used as case studies in hiring careproviders . I was anxious and concerned because this job of hiring is usually done by my sister Nancy who has worked in the health care field . I talked with Freddie , my Mom 's primary caregiver , about how the interview should be structured . Then I called Nancy and we created some questions to ask . Here 's what Nancy and Freddie already knew - when you start asking questions , the person 's answers will reveal the nature of their caregiving approaches . With the right questions , I would have no trouble recognizing someone with a personal touch and someone with an institutional approach . We don 't want Mom to be seen as an invalid , but as a person with qualities and a personality that are still alive down in the mine . We don 't want her impediments to be seShare As far as I can learn , Susan B . Anthony , Elizabeth Cady Stanton , Gandhi , Abraham Lincoln , Frederick Douglass , Nelson Mandela , and a host of other world - changing activists and leaders never had to take their clothes off in the service of their cause . They would have laughed at the idea . Is it because they were concerned about human rights ? Is there something peculiar to animal rights that has inspired at least one organization to continually strip clothes off of its ( overwhelmingly female ) activists ? Often it is said , animal activists are the voice of the voiceless . This claim , so hugely anthropocentric ( as though the only voices that we can hear speak words ) , creates an anxiety about what is our responsibility to these beings whom we are tacitly acknowledging are different from us because they can 't be speak . It creates an urgency : we must do what we can , we must do it now . But then the interesting thing that happens is that , rather than giving voices to its activists , it takes away their voices by emphasizing their bodies , their naked bodies . The latest to be added to the long list of naked or nearly - naked activists is Lydia Guevara , Che Guevara 's granddaughter . As far I can tell , Che Guevera never stripped for his cause ; and the only time he is shown nude is after his death . This is not the picture being used in the animal campaign . I asked my son to add a t - shirt . The question I want to pose is what is the meaning of the t - shirt ? Is anything gained by asking Lydia Guevara to take it off ? Why does any animal activist think a t - shirt removed is more effective to raise the issue of animal exploitation ? I would argue that the t - shirt is to this picture what stripping women is to PETA . It is their " tell . " According to Wikipedia , " A tell in poker is a subtle but detectable change in a player 's behavior or demeanor that gives clues to that player 's assessment of his hand . " Clearly , PETA feels that if they were to let Lydia Guevara keep her t - shirt they would be giving away something they don 't want to . TheyShare The parish church of Steventon is the church her father served when Jane Austen was born . It remains an active congregation and they maintain what I call " a ministry of Austen hospitality . " They encourage tour groups to let them know they are coming and they meet them , open the church door , and answer questions about Austen 's time in Steventon . My guide and I sat quietly in the church for several minutes . I offered thanks for the life of Jane Austen . In one of her last letters , Jane Austen described the house and referred to the " neat little Draw [ in ] g - room with a Bow - window " that overlooked a garden . We sat on a ledge facing this bow - window and , again , thought of Jane Austen . Her last days were painful . Austen was buried here , in Winchester Cathedral . You can find her ledger stone on the floor : If you are only 5 ' 5 " , it is hard to photograph this . Even standing on a chair purloined from nearby , it 's not easy to get a good angle . I spent a long time trying to get a good picture and then realized , lots of professional photographs exist . So , I put my camera down , and looked up . In her letter to her niece , after the funeral was over , Cassandra told her , it wasn 't watching the funeral procession that overpowered her . It was writing the letter that described it . Oh , the power of words . How brilliant . Or , as my British host said in response to a claim I was making about Jane Austen , " Clever you ! " These are the words from Darcy 's first proposal to Elizabeth Bennet , ( almost , Darcy says " ardently " rather than " much " ) . Sitting there , by the flowers , they take on an entirely new meaning . How ardently we do love and admire you , Jane Austen . In May 1995 , I bought , at auction , the office equipment of the national office of Operation Rescue . It had been seized earlier that spring to help settle a $ 1 , 000 , 000 legal judgment against Operation Rescue for its role in trying to close down the Planned Parenthood clinic in Houston . The office equipment included six computers . When the constables arrived to seize the equipment from the national office of Operation Rescue , an office person attempted to destroy the material on the computers , but had only eliminated the most recent operating system . Using an older operating system , the entire contents of the six computers was discovered . One of the items we found on the hard drives was the diary of anti - abortion clinic protestor . He was called a " missionary to the pre - born " and it was part of his job to update people who provided monthly support to him . The diary was chilling . It tells , matter of factly , his daily labors - - of how he would stand outside a Dallas clinic and yell " murderer " to the doctor as he arrived . Though Operation Rescue claimed they did not do it , he was writing down the license plate numbers of all the cars who pulled into the place . One night , he came back and went through the garbage that had been left out . He followed the office secretary to the bank where she was making a deposit and then demanded that the bank not accept the " blood money . " It takes many pages , but he describes how he and others , using several cars and over many days , succeed at following a doctor home . The doctor lived in a gated community , but through deception and persistence , they get in and discover where he lives . When we read this in 1995 , we immediately notified the doctor . This " missionary " also found ways to divert women coming for abortions to the anti - abortion " clinic . " On the day I bought the equipment , I was a nervous wreck . My partner , who was too well known to Operation Rescue to attend the auction and buy the equipment , handed me Pepto Bismal with one hand and mace with the other . ( Mac | Athens , Georgia . Coming to Georgia in March and finding a fully - formed snow man - err , snow person - greeting me on campus creates a moment of incongruity . Pear trees are beginning to send out blossoms , but snow is on the ground . Georgia has had a rare March snow storm ; and after the big wet flakes had lost their fascination , they continued to fall . Trees are down along the river that abuts the campus ; this area provides a nice forest - y feel next to all the institutional buildings , but apparently campus expansion will take some of it away . The river water is brown , from all the melting snow ; and limbs of trees lie broken off from their trunks . We pass the " Meat Tech " building ; a small sign announces it . Georgia is the biggest poultry producer ; and UGA focuses on " poultry " in this department . The Save Our Species sponsors talk about how often , after an event - a film or a speaker - students will come up and say , " my uncle / father / family are farmers but they don 't do what that film says . " It is hard to imagine one 's family as culpable . The animal industrial complex ( Barbara Noske 's term ) requires workers on all levels . We have learned how contract farmers who provide the birds to the big companies like Tyson slowly got pulled further and further into factory farming to continue to make a profit . Warehousing animals was one of the consequences ; medicines to deal with the effects of keeping birds so close together , and debeaking , and all the other inhumane treatments appeared . Somebody has to do that . People do not want to see themselves as inhumane . Afterwards , at a vegan Mexican dinner and book signing , I talked with students . I hear from several of them , " People say , ' I get it , but I don 't want to give up my hamburger , or I don 't want to give up my chicken sandwich . ' " I 've heard that too , and my temptation is to respond to the second part of the sentence and say " well , you 're selfish . " Clearly , this is a difficult thing to do if you want to keep your friends . Then I real |

This Christmas , my sisters and I are giving my mother a good death . Preparing for a present like this has taken us many years . Once we knew Mom had Alzheimers , we also knew we wanted her to stay at home for as long as imaginable to be supported by and supportive of my father . They live in a Victorian house and sometimes my older sister Nancy said it was like balancing everything on a toothpick . When my mother had a stroke six months ago , we moved to twenty - four hour care instead of the daytime care we then had in place . And now the work of caregiver interviews , the work of responding to emerging needs over the years , the work of being committed to them living an old age of dignity and as much independence as possible , is coming to fruition . I don 't know if we ever thought of it as having a point of fruition , but now in this bleak midwinter , in these days of windstorms that snatch our electricity away and snowstorms that challenge anyone on the road ( except our intrepid caregivers ) , as our village is blanketed by beautiful white flakes and the ground is buried by the snow , now my mother , when she needs it , can have it - a good death . She 's in a bed , not her own , a hospital bed , but it 's her own bed right now . And she has her family around her . My father sings songs to her , when able . We hold her hand and we talk to her , and we are reading from Mama 's Bank Account , about a Norwegian - American mother at the turn of the twentieth century . And we know this is our Mama , the archetypal Norwegian - American Mama , resourceful , funny , determined Mama , whose recipes have names like lutefisk , yulekage , leftsa , rumegrat . I know a Mama who prepared hot chocolate and spritz cookies ; a Mama with a daughter with a desire to be a writer . So we read these stories , we take turns , each sister , one holding her hands , and one reading , and one sitting in a rocking chair as the snow falls outside , snow on snow . We know that out mother is comfortable , and we know that our mother is loved and experiencing our love , and we take our tears to another room , where we decorate the Christmas tree , and we clothe this old Victorian house in more Christmas lights than its ever known . And we think of how some of the Christmas carols that talk about welcoming birth could just as easily be talking about giving a good death . I wake up early in the morning and look out my window at a winter wonderland , and I know that because I 've slept through the night , all is calm downstairs . And I feel the intersection of mythic stories and the Christmas story . The tender loving care that a babe in a manger needs , a dying person needs . Like birthing , dying is a holy time . We struggle to accept the mystery of it . Our primary caregiver , Freddie , is now a midwife of the soul . She is teaching us all . Each night here , is a holy night . And as this silent night passes into a snowy morning , I know I can go downstairs and do again the things we did yesterday and the day before . The things that all together are giving my mother , I pray , a good death . In the bleak midwinter , what can I give ? I will do my part . I give my heart to this , to this gift that my mother most needs : a good death . Of all the anonymous people who have influenced my life , a special place is held by a Norwegian immigrant farmer who hired my grandmother to help with household chores . My grandmother , Nellie , had been orphaned at eight and raised by an elderly childless aunt and uncle . She was a teenager , when , around 1910 or so , she went to work for the nearby farmer , helping to cook and clean up . What happened exactly , I don 't know . When I interviewed my mother and her sister in the 1990s about their childhood , they each reported that the farmer had chased their mother around the kitchen table . He influenced my mother because he terrified her mother . This early experience of sexual harassment made Nellie extremely suspicious of men and , when she married , extremely protective of her two daughters born fourteen months apart . Protective is perhaps too kind . Her mother saw the world as a dangerous place for women , and she kept her girls near her , suffocatingly so . Add to that , she was strict . She allowed her son , Robert , the third child , the freedom to roam ; with his bicycle he could wherever he wanted after school . My mother and her sister had to come straight home . He could invite friends over ; he could go to friend 's houses . Toni Morrison in her elegant Playing in the Dark says that the enslavement of African - Americans in the first part of the nineteenth century heightened the meaning of liberty for whites . It 's as though whites needed to illustrate how free they were by how enslaved others were . My mother and my sister experienced the reverse : they knew how homebound they were by their brother 's freedom to roam . Their lives seemed all the more restricted in the face of their brother 's freedom to exit and return . If there had been no brother , Margaret and Muriel would still have had to come home after school , would still have had an overcautious mother , but they would not have been reminded daily that it was because they weren 't boys that their lives were so constrained . My mother had an abiding sense of the injustice to women at being treated differently . I read somewhere that we are always leaving our mothers . Our arrival in the world is also a departure from their body as our world . Both Margaret and Muriel were bright girls . Muriel was valedictorian of her class . St . Olaf offered her a scholarship , but it was the Depression , her parents didn 't really understand how such funding worked , nor even how college worked . College was not a way out . During the height of the Depression , these two young women plotted how to escape their mother and their small town . Margaret hit upon an idea : Mom would teach and put Margaret through school ; then Margaret would get a job and put Mom through school . My mother went to work in a one room school room in rural Minnesota , and sent money to Minneapolis to support Margaret as she went through business college ( secretarial school ) . After two years my mother was going to join her in Minneapolis , and Margaret , armed with her degree and a job would put my mother through business college . My mother quit her job , and then learned that Margaret had not yet earned enough money for Mom to come to Minneapolis . So my mother had to take a job in another town , another one room schoolroom . It was a miserable year . Finally , she was liberated into life in the big city . What a grand time they had . We need more stories about single women and the lives they led at the end of the 1930s and the early 1940s . They each landed great jobs for women at that time . They golfed ; they played bridge ; they had women friends . The world of Minneapolis was theirs ! When World War II broke out , Margaret joined the Women 's Army Corps and Muriel the Red Cross . Mom was sent to Hawaii . When the war was over , Margaret was stationed in Japan , and Mom was engaged to be married . She was coming home . She wrote to her parents telling them of her arrival time at the train station . She got off of the train and looked for her parents . No one was there . She waited for a while , watching to see them arrive . No one showed up to pick her up . She was confused . She had sent the time of her train 's arrival . What happened ? Finally , she grabbed a taxi and took it to the house . She asked her mother why her father wasn 't at the train station . Her mother told her she did not send her father to great her at the train station because she had disapproved of her going to Hawaii , because Muriel had not asked for permission to join the Red Cross . ( At the time , she was thirty years old ! ) . My mother encouraged her daughters to leave home early and often - if we wanted . We all went abroad as teenagers . We knew a warm welcome was always awaiting us . And we all know where we want to be right now . They are there ; I 'll be joining them soon . Her life , now , is constrained by dementia , age , and a recent stroke . But my mother 's fascinating and full life stretches from the beginnings of the Great War to the mess of Afghanistan , 2009 . The daughter of a Norwegian immigrant , one of her jobs at General Mills in the early 1940s was answering letters as Betty Crocker . She knew the whirlwind nature of a World War II romance . In 1957 , as the United States was fretting about the implications of the Russian launch of Sputnik , the first artificial satellite , she designed a Sputnik Halloween costume for her first grader . In the 1960s , she helped women get abortions and advocated for migrant workers . By 1970 , she participated in the Women 's Strike for Equality ( and wondered if my father noticed she hadn 't cooked dinner that night ) . Without the resources of Facebook to keep her family connected , she wrote wonderful letters ( in triplicate - one for each daughter ) . Now , she is in a fragile state of health . But this simply means it is not too late to celebrate this American woman - who never accepted " No " as a final answer . I say " Yes ! , " a resounding yes to the life she has led . Let me plunk her down in the middle of the 1960s in a chicken coop . She 's gone there with Willard , a physics professor and a Quaker , his wife Laura , and Tom , a Methodist minister . They are there to clean it . Dried , flaking chicken shit is flying everywhere . All of them have been very involved in improving the living conditions of the migrant workers who arrived in Western New York every summer to pick crops . Each year in January , farmers would fly to Puerto Rico to hire laborers . Then , when they were needed , the men would be flown to Buffalo and from there be taken to lodgings the farmers provided . Mom and her friends had learned that a local farmer planned on keeping his migrant workers in an old chicken coop . They went to inspect it and were shocked by its condition . That day they returned with buckets , soap , rags , and determination . With my mother ( and the others as well ) determination always prevailed . After hours of cleaning , they felt the place was habitable . And for many , many years , they laughed about the day that they returned home covered in white . My father was a local attorney , and represented many of the farmers whom Mom was encountering in her work to improve migrant camp conditions . On another occasion , Willard and Mom went to the migrant camp of one of the large growers in Chautauqua County . Each spring , he brought about thirty - five men up from Puerto Rico to help him plant the tomatoes and vegetables . In the summer , he would add more men to help with the picking . By the fall , when the grapes had to be picked , he had about eighty - five men in his lodging . The rooms that housed the men were each about 8 by 10 feet , with double bunks . The little stove they had to cook on was an open gas flame burner . The cook slept on one of the bunks in the second tier , and had hung a blanket from the ceiling to keep the light from the open gas burner out of his eyes . The blanket was suspended perilously close to the open flame . Willard and Mom saw this fire trap and Mom reported it to the gas company . The gas company came and replaced the open stove with vent pipes and an enclosed heater . The farmer was really angry about that because the gas company immediately sent him the bill . The next time the farmer saw Willard he referred to my father , who was the farmer 's lawyer . The farmer complained , " he 's such a good lawyer , if he could only control his wife . " I love these two stories ! Before anyone claimed that shit happens ( and caregivers know that fact for a truth better than anyone ! ) , we kids knew that chickenshit happens , hazardous conditions exist , and as a result advocacy and good buckets are always needed . Yes , Mom showed us how chickenshit happens . It 's what you do about it that matters . Natalie Portman is being gleefully skewered by bloggers and columnists for comparing attending a dinner with meat eaters with being asked to accept rape . What if Natalie Portman had suggested the opposite , not that meat eating is like rape , but that rape is like meat eating ? " He treated me like a piece of meat ! " that 's one thing that a rape survivor may say . A battered woman reported : " He really made me feel like a piece of meat , like a receptacle . My husband had told me that all a girl was was a servant who could not think , a receptacle , a piece of meat . " In these examples , meat 's meaning does not refer to itself but to how a woman victim of violence felt . Without animals there would be no meat eating , yet they are absent from the act of eating meat because they have been transformed into food . The absent referent is that which separates the flesh eater from the animal and the animal from the end product One does not eat meat without the death of an animal . Live animals are thus the absent referents in the concept of meat . The absent referent permits us to forget about the animal as an independent entity ; it also enables us to resist efforts to make animals present . The absent referent functions to cloak the violence inherent to meat eating , to protect the conscience of the meat eater and render the idea of individual animals as immaterial to anyone 's selfish desires . . The function of the absent referent is to allow for the moral abandonment of a being . The animals become absent referents , whose fate is transmuted into a metaphor for someone else 's existence or fate . It is there through inference , but its meaningfulness reflects only upon what it refers to because the originating , literal , experience that contributes the meaning is not there . We fail to accord this absent referent its own existence . This is the frustration of any alert vegan when eating with meat eaters . We encounter the absent referent before us , and the question is : what is our responsibility ? When vegans eat with meat eaters , many of us don 't see " meat . " We see the remains of a morally abandoned being , at the center of the table , being buried into the stomachs of those around us . We are not just supposed to be quiet , we are supposed to be polite . What if Natalie Portman had used feminist - vegan theory ? What if she had said something directly from The Sexual Politics of Meat : Through the structure of the absent referent , patriarchal values become institutionalized , and the result is interconnected , overlapping oppressions : Sexual violence and meat eating , which appear to be discrete forms of violence , find a point of intersection in the absent referent . A structure of overlapping but absent referents links violence against women and the fragmentation and dismemberment of nature and the body in Western culture . Is there a sound bite for that ? The Pornography of Meat proposes that women are animalized and animals are sexualized and feminized . Perhaps this is why advertisements for meat eating obsessively present and represent these interconnected oppressions . According to meat eating ads , someone wants to be eaten , the question is who . In the sexist responses to Portman 's statement , some men have been providing their own salacious answer . It has to do with meat eating , it has to do with the sexual politics of meat . There is nothing surprising in any of this . That 's this vegan - feminist 's lament . How Green Was My Valley , a movie from 1941 , is a painful movie for me to watch . It 's about conflicts in a Welsh mining town that also tear apart a Welsh mining family . Whenever there 's a mining accident , the call goes out for rescuers who will go down in the damaged mine and work to save the miners trapped there . The call for help begins " Who is for " and then the names of the trapped miners are called out . At a pivotal moment in the film , a collapse of the mine traps the patriarch of the family and the call resounds , " Who is for Gwilym Morgan and the others ? " An unlikely person , the minister of the town , joins the group of miners who descend the elevator into the mines . This week I 'm in upstate New York , hiring caregivers for my mother who , like the miners , is trapped as well - trapped by her Alzheimer 's and by a recent minor stroke . But like the miners still alive in the mine , she 's still there . Many people might not take the time to see this , but we want caregivers who will . My job is to stand at the elevator to the mine and call out " Who 's for My Mom ? " Yesterday , we interviewed two possible caregivers , and one was clearly for my Mom and one wasn 't , and the contrast was so stark that they could be used as case studies in hiring careproviders . I was anxious and concerned because this job of hiring is usually done by my sister Nancy who has worked in the health care field . I talked with Freddie , my Mom 's primary caregiver , about how the interview should be structured . Then I called Nancy and we created some questions to ask . Here 's what Nancy and Freddie already knew - when you start asking questions , the person 's answers will reveal the nature of their caregiving approaches . With the right questions , I would have no trouble recognizing someone with a personal touch and someone with an institutional approach . We don 't want Mom to be seen as an invalid , but as a person with qualities and a personality that are still alive down in the mine . We don 't want her impediments to be seShare As far as I can learn , Susan B . Anthony , Elizabeth Cady Stanton , Gandhi , Abraham Lincoln , Frederick Douglass , Nelson Mandela , and a host of other world - changing activists and leaders never had to take their clothes off in the service of their cause . They would have laughed at the idea . Is it because they were concerned about human rights ? Is there something peculiar to animal rights that has inspired at least one organization to continually strip clothes off of its ( overwhelmingly female ) activists ? Often it is said , animal activists are the voice of the voiceless . This claim , so hugely anthropocentric ( as though the only voices that we can hear speak words ) , creates an anxiety about what is our responsibility to these beings whom we are tacitly acknowledging are different from us because they can 't be speak . It creates an urgency : we must do what we can , we must do it now . But then the interesting thing that happens is that , rather than giving voices to its activists , it takes away their voices by emphasizing their bodies , their naked bodies . The latest to be added to the long list of naked or nearly - naked activists is Lydia Guevara , Che Guevara 's granddaughter . As far I can tell , Che Guevera never stripped for his cause ; and the only time he is shown nude is after his death . This is not the picture being used in the animal campaign . I asked my son to add a t - shirt . The question I want to pose is what is the meaning of the t - shirt ? Is anything gained by asking Lydia Guevara to take it off ? Why does any animal activist think a t - shirt removed is more effective to raise the issue of animal exploitation ? I would argue that the t - shirt is to this picture what stripping women is to PETA . It is their " tell . " According to Wikipedia , " A tell in poker is a subtle but detectable change in a player 's behavior or demeanor that gives clues to that player 's assessment of his hand . " Clearly , PETA feels that if they were to let Lydia Guevara keep her t - shirt they would be giving away something they don 't want to . TheyShare The parish church of Steventon is the church her father served when Jane Austen was born . It remains an active congregation and they maintain what I call " a ministry of Austen hospitality . " They encourage tour groups to let them know they are coming and they meet them , open the church door , and answer questions about Austen 's time in Steventon . My guide and I sat quietly in the church for several minutes . I offered thanks for the life of Jane Austen . In one of her last letters , Jane Austen described the house and referred to the " neat little Draw [ in ] g - room with a Bow - window " that overlooked a garden . We sat on a ledge facing this bow - window and , again , thought of Jane Austen . Her last days were painful . Austen was buried here , in Winchester Cathedral . You can find her ledger stone on the floor : If you are only 5 ' 5 " , it is hard to photograph this . Even standing on a chair purloined from nearby , it 's not easy to get a good angle . I spent a long time trying to get a good picture and then realized , lots of professional photographs exist . So , I put my camera down , and looked up . In her letter to her niece , after the funeral was over , Cassandra told her , it wasn 't watching the funeral procession that overpowered her . It was writing the letter that described it . Oh , the power of words . How brilliant . Or , as my British host said in response to a claim I was making about Jane Austen , " Clever you ! " These are the words from Darcy 's first proposal to Elizabeth Bennet , ( almost , Darcy says " ardently " rather than " much " ) . Sitting there , by the flowers , they take on an entirely new meaning . How ardently we do love and admire you , Jane Austen . In May 1995 , I bought , at auction , the office equipment of the national office of Operation Rescue . It had been seized earlier that spring to help settle a $ 1 , 000 , 000 legal judgment against Operation Rescue for its role in trying to close down the Planned Parenthood clinic in Houston . The office equipment included six computers . When the constables arrived to seize the equipment from the national office of Operation Rescue , an office person attempted to destroy the material on the computers , but had only eliminated the most recent operating system . Using an older operating system , the entire contents of the six computers was discovered . One of the items we found on the hard drives was the diary of anti - abortion clinic protestor . He was called a " missionary to the pre - born " and it was part of his job to update people who provided monthly support to him . The diary was chilling . It tells , matter of factly , his daily labors - - of how he would stand outside a Dallas clinic and yell " murderer " to the doctor as he arrived . Though Operation Rescue claimed they did not do it , he was writing down the license plate numbers of all the cars who pulled into the place . One night , he came back and went through the garbage that had been left out . He followed the office secretary to the bank where she was making a deposit and then demanded that the bank not accept the " blood money . " It takes many pages , but he describes how he and others , using several cars and over many days , succeed at following a doctor home . The doctor lived in a gated community , but through deception and persistence , they get in and discover where he lives . When we read this in 1995 , we immediately notified the doctor . This " missionary " also found ways to divert women coming for abortions to the anti - abortion " clinic . " On the day I bought the equipment , I was a nervous wreck . My partner , who was too well known to Operation Rescue to attend the auction and buy the equipment , handed me Pepto Bismal with one hand and mace with the other . ( Mac | Athens , Georgia . Coming to Georgia in March and finding a fully - formed snow man - err , snow person - greeting me on campus creates a moment of incongruity . Pear trees are beginning to send out blossoms , but snow is on the ground . Georgia has had a rare March snow storm ; and after the big wet flakes had lost their fascination , they continued to fall . Trees are down along the river that abuts the campus ; this area provides a nice forest - y feel next to all the institutional buildings , but apparently campus expansion will take some of it away . The river water is brown , from all the melting snow ; and limbs of trees lie broken off from their trunks . We pass the " Meat Tech " building ; a small sign announces it . Georgia is the biggest poultry producer ; and UGA focuses on " poultry " in this department . The Save Our Species sponsors talk about how often , after an event - a film or a speaker - students will come up and say , " my uncle / father / family are farmers but they don 't do what that film says . " It is hard to imagine one 's family as culpable . The animal industrial complex ( Barbara Noske 's term ) requires workers on all levels . We have learned how contract farmers who provide the birds to the big companies like Tyson slowly got pulled further and further into factory farming to continue to make a profit . Warehousing animals was one of the consequences ; medicines to deal with the effects of keeping birds so close together , and debeaking , and all the other inhumane treatments appeared . Somebody has to do that . People do not want to see themselves as inhumane . Afterwards , at a vegan Mexican dinner and book signing , I talked with students . I hear from several of them , " People say , ' I get it , but I don 't want to give up my hamburger , or I don 't want to give up my chicken sandwich . ' " I 've heard that too , and my temptation is to respond to the second part of the sentence and say " well , you 're selfish . " Clearly , this is a difficult thing to do if you want to keep your friends . Then I real |

Jane Hawk used to be a well - respected FBI agent and investigator . She also had a happy marriage to Nick , a full colonel in the army at only 32 years old , with whom she had Travis , a happy 5 - year - old child who is already a vision of his father . But then Nick killed himself , completely unexpectedly , during the course of an ordinary , peaceful evening . His note ' I very much need to be dead ' left far more questions than answers and so , reeling from guilt and confusion , Jane sets out to find out what it was that drove her husband to a death he greeted with open arms . Jane discovers that the suicide rate among successful and seemingly happy and high - achieving individuals is on the increase and those who did leave notes , and not many did , left notes even stranger than Nick 's . As Jane investigates the connection between these men and women and their deaths , she discovers a conspiracy that strikes at the very heart of the American establishment and she uncovers something remarkable and utterly deadly . Jane is a hunted woman . Those she seeks will stop at nothing to destroy her and her young son . And there is nothing they can 't do . It will take all of Jane 's ingenuity and experience as a gifted FBI agent to conceal her trail while seeking out the truth . Every day she plans as if it will be her last . In The Silent Corner , Dean Koontz introduces us to a new series of thrillers , this time featuring Jane Hawk . While this means that not all of our questions about Jane herself are answered in this opening novel , we are still presented with a standalone investigation and cat and mouse hunt that obsesses Jane through these pages . There is no let up in the tension at all as Jane removes herself from all distractions , including her beloved son , to pursue her husband 's killer . This is a chilling portrait of grief . She can 't allow herself to stop and think . Instead she unties the knots , one at a time , of Nick 's sad and tragic loss . Jane 's grief has altered her . She would be the first to admit it . And we see its effects in her treatment of those she encounters along her journey . She doesn 't want to kill or hurt but she will if she has to and when she does have to she has not regrets . The scenes in which she confronts those involved in the conspiracy are powerfully painted and disturbing , but the most disturbing moments are those when we see something of what these people have done with their wealth and influence . The Silent Corner is a tense and action - packed conspiracy thriller . It is also cold , its language clever and unusual , stark but also elegant at times . I found Jane extremely difficult to warm to but I don 't think we 're expected to care for her beyond our compassion for someone suffering such a loss . There are moments when she lets slip her guard and it 's those moments which I enjoyed the most , when she draws people to her by revealing her true nature . Dougal Trahern , a man we meet later on , has a similar way about him and his portrayal is drawn with great poignancy and care . And so our feelings are challenged through this novel . Its premise promises cold killing and science but in reality we are presented with people who are suffering greatly and will make the ultimate sacrifice to save their fellow men and women . There is a strong sense of service and loyalty in The Silent Corner . My only issue with The Silent Corner would be that at times its language feels a little over the top and this distracts from Jane 's character and the plot . It makes the novel feel overlong on occasions . Nevertheless , this is a minor point and , on the whole , I found myself immersed in The Silent Corner , willing Jane on while always fearing the worst . I 'm interested to see how the series will develop as Jane moves away from this defining opening case . Pine Valley , a small rural community in Minnesota , will not be the same without Hattie Hoffman . The 18 - year - old girl , beautiful and playful , is the centre of attention both in and out of school . With ambitions of heading off to New York City to follow her dream to be an actress , Hattie has landed the role of Lady Macbeth in the school play . All eyes will be on Hattie Hoffman . But on opening night , Hattie is stabbed to death in a derelict barn on the edge of town . Close family friend Sheriff Del Goodman is given the terrible task of unravelling the tragedy , of hunting down the murderer of a girl he loved as a daughter . This is a community where everybody knows everyone . One of them , though , is keeping the biggest secret of all . Del will not rest until he uncovers it . The Last Act of Hattie Hoffman might begin with Hattie 's murder but this vibrant young woman remains at the heart of the book thanks to its enticing structure . Mindy Mejia presents us with three narratives , belonging to Hattie herself , Del Goodman , and the school 's English teacher and play director , Peter Lund . We also move backwards and forwards through time , focusing on the weeks and days that led to Hattie 's death . Each of the narratives introduces us to the people of the town , often from different perspectives , building up layers of relationships , bits of which are revealed at different times . This gives extra depth to quite a few of the novel 's characters while building up the layers of Hattie 's personality . Hanging over it all is foreboding - we know just how this will end for Hattie . Hattie 's character is key to the novel . And it most certainly isn 't straightforward . All she wants to do is be an actress , and it 's worth bearing this in mind as she plays one person off against another , time after time . She is an intriguing person , and so too are Del and Peter , but I did find her impossible to like . In fact , I think the only character in the novel that I actively did like was the sheriff , Del Goodman . I enjoyed his sections of the novel most of all . I was engrossed by The Last Act of Hattie Hoffman but , as the novel went on , I realised that it might not give me all I expected from it . I 'm used to twists and surprises in a novel such as this . This isn 't a fault of this book at all but it did mean that I was rather unexcited by the way in which the story developed , while still being caught up by its structure and mood . The writing is of a high quality and that did keep my attention , as did its atmosphere . The rural location is very well painted indeed . I could picture Pine Valley perfectly from the descriptions . There are few places that people can meet in this town and we move between them , always being reminded that we 're seeing the same people . It makes you understand why Hattie had her dreams of escape . Pine Valley was far too small a town for Hattie Hoffman . Tall Oaks used to be such a quiet small American town , unknown to strangers . But then , one terrible day , three - year - old Harry Monroe was stolen from his bed and the country 's media came to call . Three months have passed and Harry is still missing . Harry 's mother Jess is traumatised . Every time she closes her eyes she sees the clown masked - face of the man who stole him . Although the reporters have moved on to the next big story , the detective in charge of the case , Jeff , can 't stop caring , desperate to give the boy back to his distraught mother . But life has to continue and Tall Oaks is full of busy lives . Teenager Manny sees himself at the centre of much of it and is setting about proving it in his own inimitable style , while trying to ignore the fact that his mother has begun dating again . Jerry is a photographer in the making , a trapped spirit , but his life is tied down to his domineering , awful mother . And moving around them is a circle of family and friends , all interacting , all with their own cares , all finding laughs where they can , and all with their secrets . At this point I have to say that Tall Oaks is a fantastic novel and all the more brilliant when you consider that it 's Chris Whitaker 's debut . I believe he lives in England and yet he has created a portrait of an American small town that doesn 't just feel real but is also absolutely enchanting - a wonderful blend of the authentic and the strange . Whitaker also blends its mood . This is a story that is at times desperately sad and shockingly tragic but there is also a warm humour that runs through it . Its wit sparkles , especially in the dialogue and in its creation of Manny . If you have to have one reason why you need to read this novel it 's Manny . He might be out to shock but a heart that huge cannot be hidden . Tall Oaks is another of those novels that is promoted for its shocking twists and , yet again , this does this wonderful book a disservice . There 's a crime in it - the abduction of little Harry - but this is just one part of the story . There are so many other elements to it and it is driven as much by character as it is plot , if not more so . There are some powerful surprises , hardly surprising in a community so private , and one or two stunned me . They felt to me as if they were my reward for growing to care so much for these people . This is what happens when you get to know somebody . Chris Whitaker is a marvellous , witty writer . His prose feels light and real , flowing naturally , and his gift for characterisation is just wonderful . The character of Manny is a masterpiece . He is complicated for all kinds of reasons that are explored with an astonishingly delicate touch . He is a pure delight to know and how he made me laugh ! But there 's more to this novel than Manny . It gives and gives . Tall Oaks also begins with one of the most disturbing opening chapters I 've read and it continues with writing that made me want to cry and laugh . I 've got to say it again - this is a debut novel . Extraordinary . Whatever will be next ? But Chris Whitaker is a new author whose future books I will be sure to snap up at the earliest opportunity . Next spring Mississippi Blood is published . This is the final and highly anticipated book in Greg Iles ' trilogy begun by Natchez Burning and continued in The Bone Tree . As part of the celebrations , I was so pleased to post a review of Natchez Burning for an international blog tour back at the end of August and now it 's the turn of The Bone Tree . The Bone Tree follows on directly from Natchez Burning and so this review assumes you 've read the earlier book first . Penn Cage , attorney and Mayor of Natchez , a small town in rural Mississippi , continues to hunt for his father Dr Tom Cage , the town 's popular doctor for many years , who is now on the run for the murder of Viola Turner . This elderly black woman was once , in the sixties , Tom Cage 's much loved nurse . She was also the sister of a man brutally murdered by the Double Eagles , a splinter group of the Ku Klux Klan , and she suffered greatly at their hands . Everyone involved is now much , much older and some are in the mood to confess before death claims them . Journalists Henry Sexton and Caitlin Masters ( also , just to complicate things , Penn 's fiancée ) are working together to expose the truth , and one of the best ways to do that will be to discover and reveal one of the Double Eagles ' killing grounds , hidden within the Mississippi swamps - the Bone Tree . Legend has it that the Bone Tree contains , in addition to the bones of the murdered , evidence that links these men to one of the most devastating and notorious crimes in American history . The plot of The Bone Tree is a complicated business , as you 'd expect from a novel that comprises 850 pages and one that also succeeds the equally substantial Natchez Burning , one of the most satisfyingly structured and richly layered crime novels I 've read . There are multiple threads and many characters and we move between them - there can be a fair few chapters before we return to each strand - but at the heart of the novel we have Caitlin 's pursuit of the truth , Penn 's hunt for his father and Tom 's struggle to survive at as little cost to the lives of others as possible . All set within a fascinating re - examination of a dark period in Mississippi 's history , one that might not be as safely buried in the past as one might have hoped . There are sections of The Bone Tree that are utterly harrowing , tense or thrilling - or all three of these at once . There are moments here I 'm not going to forget , there is one in particular that is totally shocking . But these sections are surrounded by great swathes of meticulously detailed discussion into the big , arguably unsolved , mystery of the 1960s . I 'd argue that The Bone Tree contains within it a superb , much shorter novel but this , and the pace , has been lost to some degree by the material that surrounds it . The events of the novel take place over a period of just a few short days and the events of each are described over hundreds of pages . Nevertheless , my interest was kept alive throughout because , despite it all , the evil of the Double Eagles and their terrible deeds can still be traced through the pages . Tom and Penn continue to focus on their crimes , refusing to be sidetracked by Kaiser 's ulterior motives , and Caitlin 's pursuit for the truth is absolutely dedicated , but the author 's fascination with Kaiser 's investigations takes precedence far too often , in my opinion , for the flow of the novel . This is an extraordinary trilogy , welcoming the reader to become fully immersed in its portrait of evil , focusing on events that took place over just a few days . The conclusion of The Bone Tree is so tense and gripping that it left this reader so excited for the concluding novel Mississippi Blood . It sounds as if this final novel will be half the size of its predecessors which makes me think that its focus will be narrowed further and this time the emphasis will be on the answers we are all so desperate to learn . Next spring is published Mississippi Blood , the final and highly anticipated book in Greg Iles ' trilogy begun by Natchez Burning and continued in The Bone Tree . As a run - up to the big day , I am so pleased to be part of a blog tour that will review Natchez Burning through September and The Bone Tree during October . I jumped at it . This tour has provided me with the perfect opportunity to read books I should have read a long time ago . I 've heard nothing but good things and , as I read Natchez Burning , I kept asking myself why on earth I hadn 't read it before . I must have been barmy . Penn Cage , once a prosecuting attorney , is now the mayor of Natchez , a small and relatively quiet community in Mississippi . It wasn 't always that way . Natchez , now reeling from Hurricane Katrina , was once caught in the fire of civil rights abuse , held to hostage by the Ku Klux Klan and , even worse than the Klan , the Double Eagles , a local KKK splinter group that tortured , raped , murdered , with no fear or expectation of justice . Justice in Natchez at that time and place was white and it was supremacist . Few people then stood firm against the Klan , albeit carefully , quietly , and one such man was Dr Tom Cage , Penn 's much loved father and a very well - liked and caring doctor . But , to Penn 's bewilderment , Tom Cage has been accused of murdering Viola Turner , his immensely popular African - American nurse from the 1960s , who , now an old woman , had recently returned home to Natchez to die but had instead met a death that was anything but peaceful . Tom Cage refuses to defend himself for reasons he will not explain and so Penn is compelled to hunt for the truth . To do that he must tear open the wounds of the past and what he finds is utterly horrifying and terrifying . Natchez is a town rotting with secrets , so many of its citizens stinking of past crimes , but not all of these crimes are in the past and the more that Penn prods the beast , the more it stirs . The murder of Viola is just one of the many mysteries facing Penn as he uncovers hints of a conspiracy that , if revealed , could leave American history in need of a rewrite . It could also mean the death of Penn and Tom . Just how well do you know anyone ? This is a fundamental question that now faces Penn . Natchez Burning is a substantial novel at about 850 pages but its size hides the fact that these are pages that will fly through the fingers . Greg Iles is a great storyteller and he keeps this immensely complex and multi - layered plot well under control so that at one moment you can sense everything coming together while , at the next , you become well aware of a whole new mystery developing legs . And what that means is revelation after revelation , not to mention shock after shock as Penn uncovers the truth , or at least some of it ( some secrets are even deeper buried ) , about the town 's past . This scrutiny of such a terrible period in recent history is also a great thriller and it enthrals from start to finish . The narrative itself moves through time , taking us and Penn even closer to events . It is 1885 and Colonel Allen Forrester , with such a small group of men , leaves Vancouver to embark on an expedition to explore the Wolverine River in Alaska . Recently relinquished by Russia , Alaska is now open for prospectors , the military , traders , hunters and the curious . Its resources are believed bountiful , its wildlife as beautiful as it can be dangerous , its Indians as useful as they are feared . Its majestic rivers are Alaska 's natural highways but they are only ice - free for brief months each year . The Wolverine River links the coast with a well - used river way to the north . Its exploration and mapping could prove key for the future settlement of Alaska . Allen Forrester and his men aim to be upon it as soon as it is released from winter 's grip and then they will travel for 1 , 000 miles , recording what they see , photographing it , trading with the Indians , introducing themselves , forging friendships . Trying to stay alive . Colonel Forrester 's mind is not entirely on his mission . Recently married to Sophie , he has had to leave her behind in the barracks at Vancouver , with only the other officers ' wives and daughters for company . And Sophie has such an adventurous , independent spirit . She would far prefer to be exploring with her husband , capturing the images on a camera , seeing with her own eyes the wildlife of this remote region . But it is not to be and instead she must stay behind , missing her husband intensely , experiencing a personal journey of her own , every bit as hazardous as the one that her husband must face , fearing that he may never return , too distant for letters , her mind too alive to the risks ahead while doing all she can to combat them . At the heart of To the Bright Edge of the World are the experiences of Allen and Sophie , told through their journals , alternating between them , covering the great distance between them . There are photographs , sketches , as both Allen and Sophie experience the world around them , from the great glaciers of Alaska to fish , birds , animal tracks and people . But there is also another strand weaving in and out of this novel . In the present day , the latest member of the Forrester family is trying to find a home for Allen and Sophie 's journals and artefacts in a museum by the side of the Wolverine River and this element is absolutely fascinating . This is not an easy novel to review , largely because I don 't have a hope of doing it justice . To the Bright Edge of the World held me mesmerised . I could not get enough of it , barely putting it down , as I read it in just one day and what a day 's reading it was . I knew this book would be good . I adored The Snow Child , it continues to be one of my very favourite novels , and I knew that Eowyn Ivey 's writing , imagination and deep , penetrating insight into , and empathy with , her own Alaska could not fail . However , I was not expecting To the Bright Edge of the World to exceed The Snow Child but that is exactly what it does . The writing is breathlessly beautiful . The journal extracts bring the long dead characters of Allen and Sophie to life in such a meaningful , memorable way . They both lay themselves bare and it is hypnotic , a privilege to be allowed so deeply into their lives and thoughts . The illustrations work so well . This is such an attractive book even before you read its words ! But what makes it truly astounding is its portrayal of the natural world , not just in Alaska but also in Vancouver . Nature is infused with magic and the imagination . Its wonders are ultimately unknowable despite mankind 's best efforts to record it and trap it , whether physically or through the lens of a camera . It is dangerous but it is also so beautiful . The indigenous tribes are shown to have a much closer connection to the environment they live in , which is hardly surprising , but both Sophie and Allen , as well as the people that Allen travels with , each makes their own meaningful relationships with the world around them and that changes how they interact with the men and women they spend time with . Leave a reply Next week , Tracy Chevalier 's new novel At the Edge of the Orchard is published by HarperFiction . I 'm delighted to post an extract from the novel as part of a Blog Tour to celebrate its release into the world . Here is a description of At the Edge of the World : Ohio , 1838 . James and Sadie Goodenough have settled in the Black Swamp , planting apple trees to claim the land as their own . Life there is harsh , and as swamp fever picks off their children , husband and wife take solace in separate comforts . James patiently grows his sweet - tasting ' eaters ' while Sadie gets drunk on applejack made fresh from ' spitters . ' This fight over apples takes its toll on all of the Goodenoughs - a battle that will resonate over the years and all the way across America . California , 1853 . Fifteen years later their youngest son , Robert , is drifting through Goldrush California . Haunted by the broken family he fled years earlier , memories stick to him where mud once did . When he finds steady work for a plant collector , peace seems finally to be within reach . But the past is never really past , and one day Robert is forced to confront the reasons he left behind everything he loved . I was used to his slaps . Didnt bother me none . Fightin over apples was jest what we did . Funny , I didnt think much about apples fore we came to the Black Swamp . When I was growin up we had an orchard like everybody else but I didnt pay it no attention cept when the blossom was out in May . Then Id go and lie there smellin some sweet perfume and listenin to the bees hum so happy cause they had flowers to play with . That was where James and I lay our first time together . I shouldve known then he wasnt for me . He was so busy inspectin my familys trees and askin how old each was - like I would know - and what the fruit was like ( Juicy like me , I said ) that finally I had to unbutton my dress myself . That shut him up a while . I never was a good picker . Ma said I was too quick , let too many drop and pulled off the stems of the rest . I was quick cause I wanted to get it done . I used two hands to twist and pull two apples and then the third would drop and bruise and wed have to gather all the bruised ones separate and cook em up right away into apple butter . Beginnin of each season Ma and Pa would get me pickin till they remembered about that third apple always droppin . So they put me on to gatherin the windfalls that were bruised and damaged from fallin off the tree . Windfalls werent all bad apples . They could still be stewed or made into cider . Or theyd have me cookin or slicin rings to dry . I liked the slicin . If you cut an apple across the core rather than along it you get the seeds makin flowers or stars in the middle of the circle . I told John Chapman once and he smiled at me . Gods ways , he said . Youre smart to see that , Sadie . Only time anyone ever called me smart . James wouldnt let me touch the apples on his trees either . His precious thirty - eight trees . ( Oh I knew how many he had . He thought I wasnt listenin when he was rattlin through his numbers but drunk or not I heard him cause he repeated himself so much . ) When we was married back in Connecticut he learned real quick how many apples I spoiled . So in the Black Swamp he got some of the children to pick em - Martha and Robert and Sal . He wouldnt let Caleb or Nathan pick , said we were all too rough . James headed out behind the cabin , past the garden they 'd begun turning over now the ground was no longer frozen , and out to the orchard . Upon settling in the Black Swamp , the first thing the Goodenoughs had done after building a rough cabin close to the Portage River was to clear land for the orchard so as to plant John Chapman 's apple saplings . Every oak , every hickory , every elm he cut down was an agony of effort . It was hard enough to chop up and haul the trunk and branches to set aside for firewood , or for making bed frames or chairs or wheels or coffins . But extracting the stumps and roots almost killed him each time he hacked and dug and pulled and ground . Prying out a stump reminded him of how deeply a tree clung to the ground , how tenacious a hold it had on a place . Though he was not a senti - mental man - he did not cry when his children died , he simply dug the graves and buried them - James was silent each time he killed a tree , thinking of its time spent in that spot . He never did this with the animals he hunted - they were food , and transient , passing through this world and out again , as people did . But trees felt permanent - until you had to cut them down . He stood in the melting March dusk and surveyed his orchard - five rows of trees , with a small nursery of seedlings in one corner . It was rare to see space around individual trees in the Black Swamp ; normally there was either open water or dense woods . The Goodenough orchard was not spectacular , but it was proof to James that he could tame one small patch of land , make the trees do what he wanted . Beyond them , wilderness waited in the tangled undergrowth and sudden bogs ; you had to take each step with care or find yourself up to your thighs in black stagnant water . After going into the swamp , to hunt or cut wood or visit a neighbor , James was always relieved to step back into the safe order of his orchard . Now he counted his apple trees , even though he already knew that he had thirty - eight . He had expected the requirement for settling in Ohio of fifty viable fruit trees in three years would be easy to achieve , but he had been assuming apple trees would grow in the swamp as they had done on his father 's farm in Connecticut , where the ground was fertile and well drained . But swampland was different : waterlogged and brackish , it rotted roots , encouraged mildew , attracted blackfly . It was surprising that apple trees could survive there at all . There were plenty of other trees : maple was abundant , also ash and elm and hickory and several kinds of oak . But apple trees needed light and dry soil or they could easily not produce fruit . And if they did not produce , the Goodenoughs must go without . The Black Swamp was not like Connecticut , where if your trees had blight or scab or mildew and grew no apples , you could barter or buy from neighbors . Their neighbors here were few and scattered - only the Days two miles away had been there almost as long , though lately others had begun to settle nearby - and had no apples to spare . James Goodenough was a sensible man , but apples were his weakness . They had been since he was a child and his mother had given him sweet apples as a special treat . Sweetness was a rare taste , for sugar cost dear ; but an apple 's tart sweetness was almost free since , once planted , apple trees took little work . He recalled with a shudder their first years in the Black Swamp without apples . He hadn 't realized till he had to go without for over three years how large a part apples had played in his life , how he craved them more than whiskey or tobacco or coffee or sex . That first autumn when , after a lifetime of taking them for granted , James finally understood that there would be no apples to pick and store and eat , he went into a kind of mourning that surprised him . His desperation even drove him to pick the tiny fruit from a wild apple tree he came across along one of the Indian trails ; it must have grown from a settler 's discarded apple core . He could only manage three before the sourness forced him to stop , and his stomach ached afterwards . Later , over near Perrysburg , he shamed himself by stealing from a stranger 's orchard , though he took only one apple , and it turned out to be a spitter rather than an eater . He ate it anyway . In subsequent years he bought more trees from John Chapman - seedlings this time - and grew his own from seeds as well . Trees grown from seeds usually produced sour apples but , as James liked to point out to whoever would listen , one in ten tended to turn out sweet . Like growing anything in the Black Swamp , it took time for the apple trees to thrive , and even those that seemed healthy could easily die over the winter . While the Goodenoughs did have apples within three years of their arrival , they could not be relied on . Sometimes the crop was heavy ; other times the apples were scarce and tiny . Sometimes disease killed the trees . For several years James struggled to get thirty trees to grow , much less fifty . More recently he 'd had more success , and the previous fall had picked apples from forty - seven trees . Over the winter , however , it appeared nine had died , like a punishment for his hubris . Luckily no one ever came around to count how many trees they had , as it was too hard to get in and out of the Black Swamp for law officials to bother . None of his few neighbors seemed concerned about the fifty - trees rule . Sadie was amused by the number , and enjoyed taunting her husband with it . Sometimes she would whisper " fifty " to him as she passed . But James fretted over it , always expecting someone to show up on the river or along one of the Indian trails that crisscrossed the Black Swamp and inform him that his farm was no longer his .

Rachel Poling is a serial hobbyist and one of those sopranos who can sing really high notes and likes sparkly jewelry . She enjoys researching , mulling , doodling , and implementing costume , makeup , and hair ideas . She also enjoys working on film scores , doing color correction , and generally having a toe dipped in anything pre - production . She has yet to act in any films , but she hopes to play an evil queen someday . October 1 , 2013 Come One , Come All ! You are invited to the ' Loyalty ' Q & A , where you can ask questions and we will answer them live ! We will be talking about " Loyalty " ( duh ) and I 'm sure , about filmmaking in general . It will be geared towards our young fans , but we welcome anyone who would like to hear more about the making of our " award - winning " 😉 film . We do need you to sign up if you want to come , so we can send out an email to you with a link to the live video feed and the Facebook group where you can ask your questions . If you do not sign up , you will not receive this information and will not get the details . This will lead to sadness . Again , the date and time is THIS FRIDAY , the 4th of October , at Noon , Pacific Time . You can send in your questions before the Q & A starts or at any time during the Q & A . You can even send in your questions even if you can 't make it , as the video will be recorded and available later . By Rachel Poling Hello everyone ! This is my first post here , totally new for me , so here it goes ! I don 't have my own WordPress account yet , so I 'm using Rachel 's today . As you may have heard , us Polings and Swets had the opportunity to participate in the making of a professional film for the 100th Anniversary of Enumclaw . Rachel already wrote about what she did for the film , and since everyone else is busy doing stuff for LCC XI , I thought I would write about what I did on set . My official title in the credits will be PA ( Production Assistant ) and Actress . As an actress , I got to play a minor side character : a 1940 's school girl . I had so much fun wearing a period dress , walking around in high heels , and carrying school books . Though , by the end of the day , my feet hurt terribly as I do not wear high heels on a regular basis . As a Production Assistant , my job was basically to do whatever was needed , but mostly what I did was carry around the director 's script as she had a lot on her mind , and often left it somewhere and forgot where it was . I made sure she didn 't have to go looking for it . Even more exciting , I got to operate the clapper board on occasion ! The letters used to state the shot are important . The letters signify a different shot that is in the same scene . The clapperboard - person says it out loud for sound reference , but they don 't say " A " , instead they say " Alpha " , or other words starting with the letter of the shot ( i . e . " Bravo " for " B " , " Charlie " for " c " etc … ) . There are a lot of names . You 've got Alpa , Bravo , Charlie , Delta , Echo … and so on , or sometimes for fun , people use different words , like Apple , Baron , Crest , Divinity , Equator … it can go on and on . Another helpful thing I learned on this shoot is what I don 't want to do . I don 't want to be the camera person , maybe assistant camera , I don 't want to do the lighting , I don 't want to be production manager , I don 't want to do catering , and location manager … not so much . I would like to be the director , maybe the sound person or props master , the editor , a more prominent actress , and somewhere in the costume department would be fun as well . I 've been crazy busy , and haven 't written here in a while . I thought today I 'd share a bit with you about my crazy busy - ness , as I found it very educational and interesting . Everyone else has their own stories to tell about our work these past weeks on the " Enumclaw Film " , as we call it , but mine is rather lengthy just because I was doing so many different things for both pre - production , and production . A few months back we Polings and Swets volunteered on a local historical film project . We 've been talking about it off and on , as you may remember . Well , we 've finally shot the film ! I 've been doing a variety of different jobs on the project . These are my " official titles " ; things I will be credited for in the credits of the film and on IMDB : I originally signed up to be the Hair and Makeup Lead . Whew ! It sounded like such a big job ! I was kinda scared , very excited , and still nervous up until the very last person was done . The director assured me that even though I didn 't feel qualified for the job , she felt I was because she knew I would focus on details , and do tests to learn the things I didn 't already know how to do ( like apply crepe beards and moustaches , and do temporary hair coloring ) . After my original assistant fell through at the last minute , I found an assistant on Craigslist who was much better at makeup than I was . We devised a system where I did the hairstyling and FX makeup , and she did most of the other makeup . It worked wonderfully , and I felt much more at ease having someone who has a lot more makeup experience under their belt do the majority of the looks . It also made it much easier to churn out finished actors because we could both be working on the same person at once : she on makeup , and me on hair . Or , we could work on different people , then have the actors switch chairs . It was an awesome partnership that worked really well . I learned a lot , not just about makeup , but preparing for something like this . I learned how to go through the script and be able to translate what the director was seeing into specific notes and looks for certain actors . I learned how to make a budget and what kind of things you need to think about buying when you have to do a lot of people 's hair and makeup in a sanitary way . I learned how to clean and pack " my kit " in a way that makes it easy to get what I need really fast , keep things clean and organized when I have to move from place to place quickly . I also learned how to estimate how long it would take for each person to go through my department , so that the Assistant Director could make sure they were there early enough for us to work our magic . I had a few heart - stopping moments , like when the main actor who I was supposed to put a beard on ( I scheduled 3 hrs for him ) showed up 45 minutes late and the schedule had to be completely re - arranged so that I could get it done . It was nerve wracking , and the beard kept having issue after issue , and finally , I had to take him down to set with a beard I was very unhappy with and had worked for a really long time on . It turned out okay , because the heat and a couple of costume changes calmed down a lot of the issues with the beard and it looked good for the rest of the night , but I was just sick in my stomach for a while because I thought it looked so bad . A few months ago , the Director noticed that I was really good at organizing and keeping track of details , so she hired me to schedule the casting . This seemed like a fairly simple job , so I said , yes , and dived right in . Right away , I found out why they hire someone specifically to do this job . As soon as the casting announcement was posted , I was sending and receiving probably almost 100 emails a day , cataloging actors , scheduling them a time slot at the audition , answering questions , sending them little bits of script to prepare … It was a monumental job ! Then came the audition dates , and I needed to make sure everyone signed in correctly , got us all of their information , and got their questions answered . It was fun ! … . and I was tired . This eventually fell under my " Associate Producer " title , because I went on to handle a lot of other details , like helping to find classic cars and trucks for the film ( which Micah eventually took over , and did a SPECTACULAR job with ) , filtering through resources that the community was offering in terms of props and costumes , and finding and communicating with last minute extras . Basically , The Producer is the person who gets everyone what they need to do their job , and this can be as big as finding and hiring members of the crew , or as small as bringing extension cords . As the Associate Producer , I handled a lot of the details in making sure each department actually had what they needed when the 3 days of production started . And yes , I brought extension cords … . and a few power strips . A couple weeks before production started , the Director hired me for a second job : Locations Manager . Technically , this is a very producer - y kind of job , and on small films like this , The Producer usually handles it . My job was to contact all of the places , large and small , that we wanted to film at , about 13 in all , figure out who the owner was , make sure we could film there at the day / time we needed , and make sure they were comfortable with us being there . I was on the phone pretty much ALL day for a couple weeks , as locations we had planned on fell through , and we had to find new ones , and owners were not returning phone calls . I learned a TON about talking to people on the phone , and having a friendly business - like presence when talking to strangers . Another part of the Location Manager 's job is to make sure that each department gets their questions answered for each location . For instance , the camera and lighting crew needs to know if they can plug their equipment in , the sound crew needs to know if they can turn off any noisy things in the background ( a big problem when filming in restaurants ) , the art department needs to know if they can take things off the walls and re - dress the room to fit our set needs … I needed to make sure we could use the bathroom at EACH LOCATION ! It was my job to figure out where we could park in the downtown areas , where we could store our equipment , where we could eat , and where we could go to the bathroom ( which is an issue when you are planning on filming in a field for more than half the day ) . The more I got into this job , the more I realized how big and important it was ! At the last minute , I also learned that it was my job to make sure that there were signs everywhere so that people didn 't get lost and that actors and extras knew were to go for wardrobe , hair and makeup . This was a big job in - and - of itself , and my brain was already overloaded with everything else , so Micah became my right hand man in this area . Together we made sure that people knew where to go , that the toilet paper never ran out , and that the buildings we used were clean and locked up before we left . I used up a TON of note paper and was juggling more lists than I 've ever written in my life - the upside being I learned how to organize massive amounts of information in new ways . I feel re - affirmed in my hair and makeup abilities , especially in the hair department where I had quite a few vintage looks that consistently turned out wonderfully . My feet hurt like crazy with the 12 + hr days , I got up crazy early and went to bed crazy late , and I practically lived out of my van for 3 days . I don 't think I 've ever exuded more brain power in my life , but I had so much fun ! I think Producing is something that I am good at , something I have been naturally ( and unknowingly ) preparing to do for several years now , and something I 'd love to try doing again . I had fun meeting and getting to know the filmmaking professionals who worked with us , and I hope I made a really good impression on them by working hard , being prepared to solve problems that no one else had thought of , and being ready for everything that got thrown at me with a ready smile and a good attitude . I have a secret ( or not so secret now ) hope that the contacts we made doing this film will turn into work on other fun projects in the Seattle area . P . S . If you haven 't already , take a sec and " like " the facebook page for this project . I 've been sharing lots of cool pictures and there 'll be news about the premiere , etc . If you haven 't seen the first one , go check it out here . You probably shouldn 't watch it at night . You might wake up the neighbors with your uproarious laughter . * Content Warning : One character has a cigar ( made from paper , not real ) , and guns are shot ( no blood or wounds ) * My favorite picture of the greater and awesomer zombie hunters . Epicness . Crowded around the camera to watch the shot we just filmed . Micah and Max , filming the beginning . Anyway , be on the lookout for awesomeness and zombiehunterness coming to your computer screens sometime in the near future . Well , Monday snuck up on us again this week . We all had a late night last night going to see the new Star Trek Into Darkness ( which was supercalifragilistiAWESOME ! ) and talking about it over pizza afterwards . Nothing super exciting has happened with Evasion this week , but I did do something fun that has to do with movie - making , so I figured now is a good time to share it ! One of the other films we are involved in this summer is a short film celebrating the 100th birthday of a little town nearby named Enumclaw ( where the Swets live ) funded by the city arts council . Several of us have official positions in the film ( very exciting ) , mine being the Hair and Makeup Lead . Part of the plot of the movie involves going into the past , and a few of the characters need to have very full beards and some super moustaches . Meaning , I need to learn how to do fake hair , stat ! This week , the director gave me some supplies , and Max volunteered to be my first victim * evil scheming face here * . I learned a lot , there are several things I didn 't do quite right , and I 'll be practicing some more before we shoot , especially in the moustache area . I 'm not going to give an in - depth tutorial this time . I think I will let the pictures speak for themselves . I 'll just give a little background about the supplies I was using : 1 . Crepe hair : a wool , which is usually used for beard and moustache prosthetics . Comes in lots of different colors . Usually , two or more colors are used because it makes the beard look more realistic . 2 . Spirit Gum : an adhesive . Kinda smelly . Very sticky . It is advisable to use a spirit gum remover solution , rather than just ripping the beard or moustache off . 4 . Random other : Fingers . Moist towellettes for constant cleaning of said fingers . Toothbrush or disposable mascara wand for applying the silver gray . Scissors for cutting and trimming the hair . First of all , a small warning : Poster - making is Photoshop intensive . I have learned soooo so much about Photoshop from trying to make posters . I learned way more than I can squeeze into one post . Instead of detailing the exact steps I took in Photoshop to create these posters , what I 'd like to do is take you on a little journey through my learning process , and point you in the direction of the websites and resources I found helpful . 1 . We have these big sheets of poster paper that we used to create a white background . Someone would stand behind our current model , and hold the paper while I took the picture . We did this so later it would be much easier to remove the background in photoshop so we could just use the person in our poster . 2 . We held the white paper like a " bounce board " down below camera . The light from the sky reflected off of the white paper and onto the model 's face , making the picture very evenly lit . 3 . We got lots of different poses , lots of different faces , sometimes had weapons , sometimes not , sometimes used the white background , sometimes not . We took , at the very least , 15 pictures of each person . In retrospect , it would have been better to take even more . Closer to 20 - 30 would have been better . It was a really good idea to take these pictures when it was cloudy outside . Even though it looks good with your eyes , direct sunlight is much harder to take pictures in . Clouds help diffuse the light - spread it out and make it very evenly lit . This is perfect for taking this kind of pictures , especially if you don 't know yet exactly what style of poster you want to make . If I ever do this again , I want to have a system down for getting all the poses I want from everybody . I was giving directions willy - nilly , and some of the poses that we really wanted to use later on in our posters didn 't have a white background , and some people were just missing poses that we didn 't get . This made it a little bit harder to do what we wanted . I 'd almost want to create a checklist of sorts : facing right , facing left , facing front , facing right with white board , facing left … etc . So now I have all of these awesome pictures … . What do I do with them all ? ! ? Being a first time poster - maker , I did what I always do when I don 't know how to do something - Google it ! Here is a tutorial I started with . Mostly what I needed was some new techniques to use in Photoshop . By following the tutorial , I learned the techniques I needed to make what I was seeing in my head appear in Photoshop . By the time I got to the middle of the tutorial , I didn 't really need it any more , and I was able to move on to adapting what I learned to the poster I wanted to make , instead of the poster in the tutorial . I also used this tutorial for inspiration and ideas . Here are the process pictures of the first poster I did . I uploaded them to the private Facebook group we use to share ideas with each other . I got lots of really good feedback from everybody , along with suggestions and help . 1 . This my first attempt while I was learning the techniques used in the tutorials . At the time , it looked really cool . Looking back at it , I think it looks … like a first attempt that got much , MUCH better later on . I didn 't have pictures of Max and Micah yet . 2 . I decided to put some of the color back in . I also found a font that I liked for the title and played around with that a bit . I got some new watercolor brushes for photoshop ( downloaded for free somewhere ) , and that made it WAY better . 3 . Max and Micah had their photoshoot and sent us their pictures . I spent hours tweaking little things like getting the little bits of white outlines out of everybody 's hair , and getting the color balance just right . I know how to do those things WAY faster now . 4 . After sending everybody a new copy of each try , this was the version that everybody said was finished ! I moved Lizzy into the middle because it looked too balanced before . It needed to be balanced , but interesting . One of the most important things I 've learned about creating graphics , in Photoshop or otherwise , is how to use textures . Textures provide our eyes with that little element needed to know that what we are looking at is real . Pure color just looks wrong , but add a subtle texture to it , and our brain accepts it much better . I 've found several sites that provide wonderful textures to download for free . I just love them ! You can also take pictures yourself to use as textures once you know what you are looking for . I must admit to being slightly addicted to downloaded textures , especially antique paper and cool stone packs . * guilty face * If you are making posters and would like another set of eyes to look over it and give you constructive criticism or help , I am more than happy to give it . Just send it my way ! Often we learn the best from someone else editing our work . By Rachel Poling I recently got a certain something special in the mail from Amazon , and was very eager to test it out ! We 've been talking about one of our characters having a scar on their face , so I 've been researching how to do realistic , but simple scars . Whilst doing said research , I came across this product called " Ridgid Collodion " . I watched a couple of tutorials on youtube about using it , and sure enough , it looked to be the product for me ! Picture 2 : I put on a base - a tiny bit of foundation mixed with moisturizer so that it was really translucent , a little bit of concealer under my eyes , around my nose , and on a couple red spots , a hint of a really light eyeshadow to make my eyelids look less puffy and a really light brown powder lining my eyelash line to give my eyes the slightest bit of definition . A dusting of a very light peach blush and a little bit of mascara completed the base . I was going for a non - made - up look - this is called " no - makeup makeup " - and I think I succeeded . When I first opened the little bottle of scarring liquid , my first thought was , " WHEW ! This stuff smells like the dickens ! " And it does ! It 's very important not to get it near the eyes , and I was tearing up a little bit just being downwind from the smell when I was working on the scar above my eye . For the one on my cheek , I used a red lip liner pencil to draw the line of the scar , then covered it with at least 15 - 20 coats of the ridgid collodion . Each layer made my skin tighten and depress more and more . It 's really hard to tell from these pictures , but I really had quite a divot in my skin ! For those of you who have not met me in person … here is a little introduction into the many faces of me . ^^ 😉 Only kidding ! I 'm only crazy … half of the time . It takes quite a long time to do a large scar . I spent a good hour layering and waiting for it to dry . The bigger and deeper the scar , the longer it takes . In another tutorial I watched , which was rather long - winded and lengthy , I learned that it 's not a good idea to create a scar , peel it off , and make the same scar again the day after . The reason for this being : when you peel the dried collodian off , it takes a bunch of dead skin cells with it , which is fine . BUT , if you apply it too soon after , when you peel it off again , you are ripping off skin cells that your face actually needs . Doing it too often can lead to some weird things like a dry patch , discoloration , or a more permanent slight scarring look than you intended . This is going to be interesting using it in a movie . I shall have to plan carefully . Let me know if you have any comments or questions . I anxiously await the arrival of comment notifications , so don 't be shy . Until next week ! Ciao ! Before I drew this , I looked up pictures of characters from movies who 's costumes were similar to the one I was seeing in my head . I posted them to everybody else , so they could see and give their opinion . We all liked this one the best . One day , when we had time , us Polings took a trip to the thrift store together to look for some good costume stuff . This is what we came home with for the base of Lizzy 's costume . Later , I took it through a weathering process ( to be written about soon ! ) to make it look more like I was thinking . Sorry the lighting is so bad . You can 't really tell , but the sweater is dark green and the pants are a dark mulberry color . We still aren 't sure about having reddish pants , and we might go with different ones . I also drew a concept drawing for one of the other characters ( casting yet to be finalized ) . I was really glad I did this because it helped me think of what we wanted and didn 't want specifically . I got a lot of good feedback from everybody else , and I came to understand what each person was thinking a bit more clearly from their constructive criticism . Anyway , that 's it for me today ! Let me know if you have any comments or questions . I anxiously await the arrival of comment notifications , so don 't be shy . 😉 Until next week ! By Rachel Poling I 've been doing more makeup tests whenever I have the time . I 'm learning a lot more about techniques for different kinds of wounds that are a little closer to how they will actually be in our film . I did a test on my sister , Lizzy , soon after my test on Annie . We were also watching the Super Bowl at the same time , and I was going rather slow in between watching the game , and eating pizza , and in the process , we lost our rather small window of time in the afternoon where it 's light outside . ( It gets really dark really early in Washington State during the winter . ) The pictures from the photo shoot are a little grainy because of how dark it was , but you can still see a bit of what I did . I did a very similar base as I did on Annie . I made a couple mistakes , the most notable of which is picking a powder that was too dark for lining her eyes with . It made her look a bit too " made up " , which is not what I was going for . Woopths . I also wanted to put on any liquid latex I was planning on using before I put on her foundation . That way , I could make sure the latex was covered with exactly the same color as the rest of Lizzy 's face . I forgot about that , ( woopths , again ! ) so I settled for putting on the latex bits before I set her foundation with transparent powder ( notice how she 's just a tad shiny ) . We hurried out during halftime to go do a quick photoshoot outside . Like I said before , we kinda missed our daylight window , so the pictures ended up being a bit grainy and dark . We still got some epic shots though ! There were some things I disliked about what I did with Lizzy 's look , but on the whole , I was really happy with it . I was especially pleased with how well the wound on her cheek turned out , and how well I was able to get the latex for the cut on her forehead to blend in . Her hair covered it up a lot , but it still looked really cool . The one on her chin wasn 't my favorite , but it wasn 't bad ! If anything it really made it look like her whole face must be in pain . * hiss of pain * Yowch ! When it was dry , I tried to blend it in a bit more by using a sponge to dab some foundation on the latexed area . I realized too late that I should have worked with the latex before I put on her foundation . It was much harder to match the exact shade , plus it did some other goobering I was disappointed about . Nevertheless , I went on and did my best to cover up the little mistakes . I decided to move on to the dirt next . Taking a wine cork that I had burnt the end of with a lighter , I rubbed the charred end on my fingers and rubbed my fingers on her face putting some streaks on her cheeks and on the sides of her nose . I tried to put more " dirt " in the places on the face where it would naturally accumulate more , like the sides of the nose , by the ears , and on the temples . Taking the smallest brush I have , I traced over the top of the raised bump with several layers of blood gel . At this point it still didn 't look right , so I tried adding some little spillover veins on the sides . This immediately helped a lot , but I got them a little too widespread and spidery . Max said it looked too " zombie - like " . I added some scratches on Annie 's cheek by lightly tracing the lines with a red lipliner pencil , then going over it with some brown eyeshadow mixed with the blood gel . I tried to make parts of the scratches thicker and darker than other parts , because I know that scratches like that are not usually even lines . However , I think I got them a little too thick . It still looked pretty good . 2 . The blood gel is a little too bright red for my taste . I would like to figure out a way to make it a bit darker so that it doesn 't look so fresh and fake . 3 . The scratches on Annie 's cheek didn 't look very 3D ; they mostly looked like red lines . I need to try some different techniques . 4 . I didn 't plan beforehand what kind of wound I wanted to make , and so this wound isn 't really one that could happen in real life ( that I know of ) . It seems to be some sort of a cross between a cut , a scar , and a burn . Next time , plan beforehand .

I apologize up front for the length of this post , but What happened Wednesday night was nothing short of amazing . It was a miracle . And , I don 't ever want to forget it , especially knowing what happened on Monday . Monday had been my first day back to work since Lady had disappeared . It was a strange feeling to be back . I had a hard time getting back into the groove , but by mid - afternoon I was focused and getting work done . That 's when it happened . I got this absolutely sick feeling in my stomach . I don 't know how to explain it except to say it was as if I had just received the very worst news and was doubled over with emotional pain . I almost started to cry and was feeling panicky . It was this awful feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach . I called Estelle from Minnesota Sheltie Rescue immediately and asked her if everything was okay because I felt something bad had happened . She reassured that all was well , but I couldn 't shake the feeling . I decided to go for a walk to try and calm myself down . Suddenly , as I stood there , I felt this overwhelming sense of peace . It infused my whole being . And then , I heard the words " Everything is going to be okay . " At the time I didn 't know what it meant , but for the first time in many days , I felt totally at peace . In my mind 's eye , I saw an image of Lady . She was barking and wagging her tail excitedly like she does when she knows we are going on a walk , or to the dog park . She seemed so happy . I thought to myself , " She 's gone . Lady is gone . " I was so certain that the sick feeling I had felt was the moment she had died , and yet , the image of her wagging her tail and happily barking made me less sad that I thought I would be . I heard the words , " I 'm free ! I 'm free ! " and I thought " Okay . She 's gone , but she 's not sad about it . How can I be sad if she 's not ? " It was a very strange experience . One I cannot explain . I returned to work that day totally at peace . Sad , but comforted by the fact that Lady had seemed so happy . ( I later learned that I was not the only one who had experienced that sick feeling at the same time . Perhaps Lady had been in danger and escaped it ? I guess I 'll never know . ) That 's why I was surprised ( and very much relieved ) when we had two sightings the very next morning as I was on my way to work . I was so excited . She was less than a mile from home ! I don 't know how I knew it then , but somehow I knew it was just a matter of time before she would be home . On Wednesday I went to work knowing the Lady was alive . I tried to stay focused on work until I received a call around 2 : 30 PM . I answered my phone immediately knowing it could be a call about Lady . The man on the phone said " I 've seen your dog . " My heart skipped a beat . " Where ? " I asked ? He told me he had seen her on the corner of Eagandale Boulevard and Lone Oak Road . My heart dropped . I was sure he had to be mistaken . That was several miles from where she had last been seen on Tuesday . " Are you sure ? " I asked him . He said " Yes . I am sure it was your dog . I just ran to Rainbow to look at the flier and now I 'm on my way back to see if she is still there . " Then he said , " There she is . She 's running down West Service Road now . I 'm following her . " Oh my God I thought . I told him I was going to call people to come meet him there . I was shaking . We were so close ! I remember calling Meaghan from Minnesota Sheltie Rescue ( MNSR ) and then Cindy , a volunteer who had been helping since Lady was first lost , and then Estelle , also from Minnesota Sheltie Rescue . I was in a panic . I wanted to be there . I tried to give each of them directions to the man 's location but for some reason I couldn 't get Google Maps to work . Augh ! Seriously ? Why now ? I remember calling the man back to be absolutely certain that the dog he saw was in fact Lady . He said she looks just like a Minature Collie and I knew . It was her . He told me that he had her cornered in a fenced lot and that he was going to get out of the car . I asked him please to sit down if he got out and let her approach him . I told him she was afraid of people . He said , " I 'm sitting down . " " God bless him ! " I thought . To be honest , I don 't remember much after that except throwing things in my bag , rushing out of work and hopping the first train home . What I know now is that as I was heading home , people had already started calling one another and many had already started arriving at Lady 's location . Deb from Springer Rescue , Estelle from MNSR , Cindy , and Stephen , another volunteer who had become involved in the search for Lady . They were all there . I remember Stephen calling me and saying " Mel - I can see her . " I don 't know how to describe what that moment was like . Finally ! I tried to hold it together as I told him that I was almost there , but the tears had already started . After all the sightings , false sightings and almost sightings , finally she was somewhere we could finally catch her . The drive to the location was sheer agony . What if I were too late ? What if she bolted and got hit by a car ? And then I remembered the peace I had felt on Monday , and how I had heard the words that everything would be okay , and I stopped panicking and let it all go . I knew that what was about to happen as not in my hands . I was not in control anymore . I arrived to find several cars parked in a business driveway . I saw Estelle off in the distance near a large fenced area in the back . She waved me towards her . I parked my car and walked to the back of the building . It appeared to be some sort of docking area in the back , like a place where trucks could be loaded up with goods and sent out for delivery . The lot was huge and completely empty , except for Lady , who was sniffing around and pacing . People were blocking the exits on either side of the lot . " It 's her ! " I whispered to Estelle . We watched as Lady headed towards the exit at the opposite end of the lot only to stop as Cindy or Stephen or Brad ( the man I had spoken to on the phone ) stood up . She would stare for a second and then trot back over towards Estelle and I . She was desperately looking for an escape route . I called out to her and even called her by name a couple of times . Each time she stopped as if she recognized my voice , but then she would start trotting off again . She was so scared . All we could do was watch helplessly as Lady trotted back and forth in fear . We didn 't have enough people to block the exits so I could go in and get her . As each of us took turns keeping her from escaping , Estelle and I took turns calling people - friends , family , volunteers . Everyone was called in hopes they could come . Meaghan put out an all hands on deck alert via email and soon people began to arrive in from everywhere It was truly amazing . I 've never seen anything like it . Emily , from Ruff Start Rescue , drove her car up near Estelle and I and blocked the exit while more volunteers took positions to the front and side of it . Finally , I entered the lot . I crossed the lot and sat down on a curb near a concrete barrier and waited . Lady watched from the other end of the lot and then trotted over near Estelle . She stared for a long time at the exit , now blocked by a car and more people . I could just see the wheels in her head turning . She 's going to make a break for it I thought . She was so desperate to get away . After a few moments , she turned and passed within a few feet of me . I kept my body turned to the side and my head down so as to appear less threatening to her . I watched out of the corner of my eye as she started to walk by and then stopped . Her nose lifted to the air and she sniffed . She looked at me as I called out her name softly and asked her if she wanted to go home and see Daisy and Jasper . She stared at me . I could see she knew who I was talking about . She moved a few steps forward and sniffed . Then a couple of more . And then , a few more . She was just within reach ! I reached out my hand and let her sniff it . Slowly , the look of recognition came into her eyes and she sighed . It was if she was saying " It 's you . It 's you . Oh thank God it 's you . " I could see the look of relief in her eyes and watched as she circled me and walked up on the curb and came next to me . I reached out my hand and stoked her face as I said her name softly . She seemed to just relax after that . I said " Let 's get your harness on " and she stood and waited as I put it on her , and with nearly frozen fingers , attached her leash . She knew . She was going home . I let out a sob , but choked it back so as not to scare her . We started to walk , but I couldn 't stand the thought of her not being in my arms and picked her up and started to sob quietly as I carried her towards Estelle and the other women standing guard . I remember hearing a cheer and clapping . What a long journey all of us had been on , none more so than Lady . Tears were flowing everywhere . The day I had waited for had finally come - 12 days after I lost Lady , she was finally home . A lot of what happened after that was a blur . I remember putting Lady in my car and hugging my friends Karen and Kym and so many of the MNSR staff and volunteers I had come to know so well over the past 12 days . So many kind people who had helped bring Lady home . I also remember waiting for the man who had first spotted Lady and who had called me to tell me he had seen my dog . I gave him a huge hug and thanked him . His name is Brad Wright and in my book , he 's a hero . What a man ! He had sat there for over 2 hours , waiting for people to get in place so I could go in and get Lady . He never complained . He never left . He didn 't just drive by . He stepped in and chose to help . God bless him . Lady spent one night at the emergency vet for dehydration and was clipped to remove the many burrs that had matted her coat . She 's in bad shape visually , but in fairly good shape physically . She even seems to have adjusted to life back at home pretty quickly . She was playing with her brother Jasper tonight . Who 'd have thunk it ? Certainly not me . My many , many thanks to each and every person who helped in the search for Lady . You worked tirelessly to make this happen . If not for you , she would not be home now , but facing another winter storm out in the cold somewhere all by herself . And to Brad Wright , thank you . You may not consider yourself a hero , but I do . Welcome to the Saturday Pet Blogger Blog Hop . I encourage you to check out some of the other awesome pet bloggers out there . Much thanks to our most generous and interesting hosts , Life With Dogs , Two Little Cavaliers , and Confessions of the Plume ! Ice Pony Girl December 3 , 2011 at 12 : 08 AM Reply Saw you on the telly tonite … great story . Let me know when you have the story link . SO HAPPY THAT LADY IS HOME ! ! ! Mary E Haight ( @ dancingdogblog ) December 3 , 2011 at 12 : 59 AM Reply Yay ! What a happy ending and interesting story . re her return . My dog , after 12 days in wintery weather … sooo lucky to make it home ! Pamela December 3 , 2011 at 6 : 14 AM Reply Thank you for sharing everything with us . You have so many lessons here - about despair , hope , acceptance , friendship , tenacity , going the extra mile for a stranger … . Lady 's story would make a wonderful movie . Danielle December 3 , 2011 at 6 : 35 AM Reply Really happy for you . You put a lot of effort into into it and it paid off . She is a lovely dog and now you will feel even more bonded to her forever … what a rewarding relationship . Danielle December 3 , 2011 at 7 : 10 AM Reply Mel , how about a continuation of a " Pet Rescue " organization . Perhaps Sheltie Resucue could keep a database of names and e - mails and document what worked . Blogging , flyers , e - mails , twitter , cel - phones . I would gladly be a part of it . Anoyone want to organize ? Mel May 15 , 2012 at 9 : 38 PM Reply Danielle - I am so sorry I never responded to your suggestion back when you posted it . I wish I had . I was so overwhelmed by all the emails and comments that I missed quite a few , yours included . I think your idea is a wonderful one and it appears that there are now some wonderful groups on FB doing what you suggested . Lost Dogs - MN , Lost Dogs of Wisconsin , etc . Maybe you inspired others ? I hope so . It was worthy of inspiration . Mel December 4 , 2011 at 7 : 42 AM Reply Sorry Edie ! I think I 'm done with the " may make you want to cry " posts for a while . I 've had enough of sad for a while . Cindy December 3 , 2011 at 7 : 40 AM Reply Brad was certainly a God send . So glad he had the heart to help . She looked so good on the wcco spot . Lady you led us on an adventure I 'm sure none of us will soon forget . I know I never will . Lots of rest sweetie … . get your strength up so you can get that kitty food ; - ) . Lots of rest to you Mel . I hope your roller coaster has finally stopped to let you off . May your days ahead with Lady , Daisy & Jasper be filled with only laughter & smiles . Amy @ GoPetFriendly December 3 , 2011 at 7 : 58 AM Reply Oh Mel , we are so happy for you and Lady . I read the whole post out lound to Rod , through my tears . It 's a beautiful story and we are all better for having lived this with you . Mel December 4 , 2011 at 7 : 45 AM Reply Amy and Rod - Thank you for all of your support and encouragement throughout this whole ordeal . I am so lucky to know you two . Thank you for sharing this journey with me and carrying me through when I didn 't think I could do it anymore . sagechronicles December 3 , 2011 at 8 : 12 AM Reply What a happy , happy ending to a long and frightful 12 days - for both you and Lady . I 'm so glad she 's home safe now . You sure do have a hero in Brad ! Mel December 4 , 2011 at 7 : 41 AM Reply Thanks Roxanne . Brad did everything right . If he hadn 't I wouldn 't have my girl . He 's a hero . Connie Knutson December 3 , 2011 at 9 : 32 AM Reply So happy for you - I know we would have been sick like you had one of ours been missing . We followed your story every day and shared all the posts from Estelle along with saying a few prayers . So glad to hear you decided to adopt Lady ! Sounds to me like you belong together . Merry Christmas ! Carolyn December 3 , 2011 at 12 : 43 PM Reply Been following the story all the way from Virginia ! So glad she is home safe and sound ! God bless ! 24 Paws of Love December 3 , 2011 at 1 : 46 PM Reply Isn 't the power of love an amazing thing ? As you 've told over and over of your experiences with being in tune with your dogs … it was only a matter of time before she was right there in your arms . Everything happens for a reason . Everything . Hold on to that . And to Lady . Mel December 4 , 2011 at 7 : 39 AM Reply It most certainly is ! You were right . It was only a matter of time . I now believe firmly that this was meant to happen the way it did and in the time that it took for a reason . I am so lucky to have my girl back . Robin Kashuba December 3 , 2011 at 4 : 44 PM Reply Mel , your story brought tears to my eyes . I 'm so thrilled that Lady is back home with you . I guess Lady decided it was time for her adventure to end and come home to the family who loves her . I 'm so happy things turned out so positive all around ! Mel December 4 , 2011 at 7 : 38 AM Reply I am thrilled too Robin . More than you could ever imagine . I think Lady was looking for me all along and just hadn 't found me . Dena December 3 , 2011 at 7 : 17 PM Reply I 'm still driving around with the flyers on my car windows but I stuck little signs on them that say " FOUND - Thank You ! " and I sent an e - mail out to my staff because I teach in Eagan and most of them had probably seen the story in one way or another . When I went to put a " FOUND " sign on the flyer at the library I noticed that over half of the little phone number papers had been ripped off meaning that people were on the look - out . And fortunately , Brad was one of those kinds of people who sincerely cared and took his time to help . I truly believe everything happens for a reason and so many people have been affected by your and Lady 's story … the tears still come easily but these tears feel great ! Let the river flow ! When we were watching Lady approach you and then when you stood up with her in your arms we all high - fived like you had just scored the winning touchdown and when I read in your blog tonight how you couldn 't resist picking her up and just carrying her to safety … well , what an amazing person you are ! Mel December 4 , 2011 at 7 : 37 AM Reply LOL ! Good for you Dena ! I took mine down , but I tell everyone I see . I 'm planning to write a letter to the city and the local paper to thank everyone for all of their help . I believe everything happens for a reason too . That moment , when Lady approached me , was one of the most powerful moments of my life . When she finally realized it was me she just seemed to relax and let go as if she had finally found what she had been searching for and now could end her search . That moment will stay with me a long , long time . Mel December 4 , 2011 at 7 : 32 AM Reply Oh Robin > I am too ! Happy tears have been with me for days . Yesterday , I was driving in many of the places that we had searched for Lady and I couldn 't help but tear up thinking about how lucky I am that I don 't have to look anymore . Elizabeth December 3 , 2011 at 9 : 01 PM Reply Losing and recovering my Molly had a profound effect on my life ( in a good way ) , and through this amazing story - with it 's oh - so - many eerie similarities - I 'm right back there with her , even more convinced that something greater than me brought her home . My mind is boggled by the amount of careful orchestration that took place throughout your ordeal with Lady , especially in those tense hours before she finally relaxed at your side . I have no doubt that pieces of Lady 's tale will be tucked away and carried for a long time within the hearts of more people than you can imagine . Mel December 4 , 2011 at 7 : 27 AM Reply I have no doubt it did Elizabeth . I have to agree that something greater brought Molly and Lady home . The pieces fit together perfectly at just the right time . That a man who does not own dogs could know exactly what to do to help bring Lady home when so many others ( mostly dog owners themselves ) couldn 't is just one piece of this puzzle that made this experience so amazing . That so many people suddenly showed up at the right time and helped to bring her home . That someone posted a flier at Rainbow Foods and he saw it and remembered . I 'll be pondering this whole experience for some time . I hope that it gives people faith in others . I firmly believe there was something greater here at work than I could possibly ever know . Thanks for making me laugh with your comment ! Patchy - coated ball of fur hugged ! Kristine December 4 , 2011 at 12 : 13 PM Reply I am so glad I am reading this on my couch at home as I am crying all over the place ! It is absolutely amazing how one pretty little dog can bring so many strangers together . I am so happy she is home with you , where she belongs . I knew everything would work out and I am so glad it did sooner rather than later ! bringingupbella December 4 , 2011 at 6 : 44 PM Reply I just saw your story on the news and heard the GOOD news that you 're going to keep this little wanderer . I hope that 's true ! I 'm so happy for you , Mel . We need more stories like this . 🙂 Congratulations . Elaine Henninger December 4 , 2011 at 10 : 12 PM Reply So glad she is home . Thanks for taking such good care of your foster dogs . The world needs more people like you . Mel December 8 , 2011 at 3 : 48 PM Reply Thanks Elaine . I think of Lady as one of my own , so it killed me to think she was out there all by herself so scared and alone . I feel lucky that we found her . Bassetmomma December 5 , 2011 at 7 : 43 AM Reply OMG ! What a story . Can 't imagine how you have felt . I think I 'll go finish my ball fest now . ( sniff ! sniff ! ) Betty Ibbetson December 5 , 2011 at 2 : 53 PM Reply Thank you for sharing your story with us . Brad is a hero . I am glad that lady is well and home with you . God bless . Unfortunately , we also discovered that there are 2 other stray shelties out there on their own . Most likely people would not have called us if not for Lady going missing . We hope to be able to help them too . Joe December 18 , 2011 at 9 : 06 AM Reply So happy your story ended well . A blessing you have had for sure . I can relate to your story totally . I had to live trap my male sheltie in the middle of northern Wisconsin woods and after 16 days , got him back . Saw your flier at Thomson Reuters Caribou coffee and took a phone number strip . Living 35 miles away I knew I would have little impact but hey , I may have seen her on the way home . The one / two owner sheltie personality is very very familiar to me . They don 't see their owners , they bolt . Mel December 18 , 2011 at 9 : 31 PM Reply Thank you so much Joe . I tried the live traps with no success where Lady was concerned . I am so glad your little guy was caught . I cannot imagine Lady being missing 16 days versus the 12 . Wow . I am so very glad you got him back . I imagine the worries are compounded when you are facing the loss of a dog in the Wisconsin Woods - it adds a whole new list of predators to worry about . It 's funny , but I have never had a Sheltie bolt on me until Lady and I was always so careful to make sure it never happened . Then , life happened . You just never know . Thank you for keeping an eye out for her . You are one of those nice people I have met since Lady disappeared . Thank you ! Top Posts Loose Dog ? Don 't chase ! Stop , Drop and Lie Down Why your lost dog may not run back to you Do pets really tell you when it 's time to say goodbye ? The burden of euthanizing an aggressive dog Loose dogs in the neighborhood - What do you do ? Search for : © Melissa Freer and No Dog About It , 2009 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Mel Freer and No Dog About It with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

The treadmill has been getting lots of use so far , at least by me . As a matter of fact , it 's been almost my only form of workout . When we initially set up the treadmill , we discovered that the TV stand we have is too low . Moon was ok , being 6 feet tall , but I could hardly see the TV . Right now I have it moved as far back in the room as possible so I can see . Works , but it 's kind of in the way . So we ordered a new TV stand , which I picked up last Saturday . It requires assembly of course . It 's still sitting where we dropped it , in the middle of the only clear space left on the basement floor . That box is just silly heavy . Last night I was thinking that I 'd really like to do my Pilates - Yoga blend DVD , as a change of pace . I crouched down and tried to slide to box further back , but it wouldn 't budge . I just ended up pushing myself across the basement floor . Tonight I think I 'm going to take my mat & DVD up to the living room . There 's not a lot of space in our living room , but there is enough room for pilates . Moon has yet to use the treadmill . He is blaming that on his lack of sneakers . So I have this little scheme in my head where I convince him to go out for breakfast on Saturday morning , and then we can buy his sneakers ( not that I would trick him - I 'd lay out the whole plan and count on the lure of yummy breakfast to convince him ) . Both places I want to go are in the same mall complex , very convenient . Debating on whether I need new sneakers . . . . Not sure . Normally I sleep really well , but last night I had a hard time falling asleep for some reason . Waking up was hard this morning . Looking forward to sleep tonight . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 3BF : Yogurt , strawberries , raspberriesSnack : 12 almondsLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSupper : Spaghetti Bolognese & Salad Bringing Sexy BackRecently while reviewing some pictures I 'd downloaded from my camera I came across one that Moon must have taken . It wasn 't a picture of me , but I was there in the background , turned at an angle speaking to someone . I saw the picture and I thought " Holy Cow ! How does my husband still love me ? " Obviously that 's not fair to either one of us . My husband loves me for me , not for how much I weigh . On top of that , it was an unflattering camera angle . It happens . But , the truth is , it does bother me that I am no longer the skinny little thing that I was when Moon and & I first met . I don 't exactly feel sexy these days . I miss skinny JavaChick . I know I will probably never be quite that small again , but I can certainly be smaller than I am now . This also reminded me that many weight loss programs encourage you to take progress pictures . This is something I have never bothered with , I guess I never saw the point . But now it occurs to me that knowing I will be taking pictures might provide that extra motivation needed to keep me on track . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 8BF : Grain Shop High Fibre Crisp cereal w / milk , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry with brown riceSnach : yogurt & berriesSupper : PC curry sauce w / chicken , cauliflower & bell pepper , PC Garlic Naan That 's right . I caved . Hanging head in shame . It went something like this . . . Get home from work . Want chocolate . Need chocolate . Argue with self . No , I do not need chocolate , I need supper . Throw leftovers in microwave to heat up , the faster I can eat real food , the better off I will be . Start eating and realize that I was actually quite hungry . Then realize that I was so focussed on getting food fast , I forgot to make the salad . Oh well . Finish off my leftovers . Start puttering around , cleaning up the kitchen , etc . Decide that I still want chocolate and I don 't care , I 'm just going to eat it anyway . So there . A little bit of chocolate would have been ok , but unfortunately it was more than a little bit . I was turbo - snarfing the stuff . I should have made the salad , or at least had some raw veggies to munch on - there is a bag of cauliflower in the fridge , all chopped up and ready to go . But let 's face it , put chocolate and cauliflower side by side and what are you going to choose ? The only thing I did right last night was to make my way downstairs to the treadmill ( stuffing chocolate in my face as I went ) and I did an extra long walk . I know that won 't make up for the chocolate binge , but at least it was something . I am done though . I am not doing that tonight . There is no good reason for it , and every reason not to . I hereby declare today to be a chocolate - free day in JavaChick Land . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 0BF : 1 / 2 grapefruit , High Fibre Crisp cereal w / 2 % milk , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : yogurt w / raspberries & blueberriesSupper : ? ? ? ~ not sure yet Since Christy asked in the comments , I thought I 'd throw this up here . I don 't actually have a recipe for this , it was based on a recipe called Chickpeas Cooked in Tea ( Dhabay kay chanai ) from Madhur Jaffrey 's Quick and Easy Indian Cooking . I adjusted for what I had on hand . So , this is what I think I remember doing . . . Chickpea Curry with Brown Rice1 tsp cumin seeds1 onion , chopped1 red bell pepper , chopped 1 or 2 carrots , chopped ( depending on size ) 1 / 2 - 1 tbsp chopped fresh ginger ( to taste , I like lots ) 1 / 4 to 1 / 2 tsp cayenne2 tsp ground cumin1 tsp garam masalasalt , cinnamon , turmeric ( I don 't think I measured , large pinch ? ) 1 lg can diced tomatoes1 carton chicken or vegetable stock ( 900 ml tetra pack ) 1 tbsp lemon juice1 can chickpeas , drained & rinsed1 cup brown ricehandful chopped cilantroHeat a little oil in large pot ( or use cooking spray , whatever you fancy ) . Add cumin seeds and let them sizzle for 15 seconds or so . Add onion , bell pepper , carrots and ginger and saute until vegetables start to soften . Add the remaining spices and chickpeas , and stir around for a few seconds more . Add tomatoes , broth and lemon juice ; bring to a boil . Add rice and simmer over low heat until rice is cooked . Stir in cilantro and remove from heat . The original recipe does not have the broth & the rice , it did have 2 cans of chickpeas rather than one . I added the broth & rice because it 's easier than cooking rice separately . Also , I only had 1 can of chickpeas in the cupboard . I added the cinnamon & turmeric because they are common curry spices , but I 'm sure you could get by without them . That 's how I feel today . Ugh . I have to admit that I was not making healthy food choices for most of the weekend . In addition to the usual weekend stuff - laundry , grocery shopping , trying to find a bit of time to relax , I was also doing some work from home . Which I sorta resent , I have to admit . And when I wasn 't working , I felt a bit guilty that I was taking time to do other things , instead of just parking my butt behind the laptop all weekend . So I was feeling a little stressed and kinda worn out , and food was not exactly at the top of my priority list . I get busy like that and I tend to think " I 'll worry about eating later . " When I 'm on my own , that sometimes works out ok . But when Moon is around it tends to lead to bad things like Kraft Dinner and Wendy 's . What happens is , he comes along and says " What 's for lunch ? " and I say " I don 't know , I haven 't thought about it , what time is it ? " Then he 's hungry and I 'm too absorbed in other things to make an effort and Presto ! There 's a dish of Kraft Dinner . I didn 't feel the slightest bit hungry this morning , but I forced myself to eat some breakfast anyway . Now I 'm at work and I 'm cold and I 'm cranky , and just taking a few minutes to quickly type up this entry . Hopefully the crankiness will wear off soon . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 6BF : 1 / 2 grapefruit , 1 / 2 cup cottage cheese , coffee w / creamSnack : 9 almondsLunch : Chick pea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt w / raspberries & blueberriesSupper : Chicken Fajitas ( leftover from last night ) Weight : 142 . 9 lbsSo I am up 0 . 4 pounds this week . It 's disappointing , especially since I felt like I was having such a good week . I was eating properly , working out , doing all the things I want to do , and I gain . But , I also know that showing a gain one week does not necessarily mean anything . Overall , I still feel like I 'm doing the right things to be healthy . I did not use all my Flex Points this week . That wasn 't deliberate . I planned out my meals and I knew I had room if I felt like I needed something extra , but I wasn 't hungry . Whether that made a difference , I don 't know . We 'll have to wait and see what next week brings . It 's weighing on my mind . It 's always there , hovering . Will I see a loss at this week 's weigh - in ? How long will this take ? What if I plateau again , and get discouraged again . How can I change up my diet , my workouts , to get results ? Anytime there is a social engagement coming up , I am preoccupied wondering : What can I wear that I won 't feel fat in ? I 'm so impatient . Realistically , I know it takes time , but I want the weight to be gone now ! I feel like I 'm wishing my life away , each week impatient for weigh - in day so I can advance the ticker , reduce the number of pounds left to lose , adjust my countdown . It 's like that Quaker commercial , where the women are walking around with a scale dragging from their ankle . It 's a burden I could do without . After 3 weeks of seeing the numbers on the scale steadily drop , this week those numbers are suddenly increasing again , even though I have been eating properly and working out . I know that ups and downs happen , even when you are doing the right things , but it does wear one down eventually . Daily DetailsI was tired last night , and by the time we finished supper and cleaned up it was getting late , so I did a short workout ( 30 mins on the treadmill and 35 push - ups for the challenge ) . Then I had a shower and went to bed . Didn 't eat anything extra . Drank all my water yesterday . Scale was up this morning . This is starting to get to me . . . up 3 days in a row , and today was a big increase . Grr ! At least the weather has finally warmed up a bit . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 9BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : yogurt w / strawberries & raspberriesSupper : Kickin ' Chicken ( ESBM recipe ) , rice , veggies Ok , it 's still silly - cold outside . It is supposed to warm up enough to snow . Then maybe get a little warmer so it can rain . Then it is supposed to get cold again . Ah , winter ! The best thing I can say about it is that it really makes me appreciate the other 3 seasons of the year . I am feeling like I 'm going in to hibernation mode a bit . There are friends that I would like to get in touch with , just to say hi , exchange news etc . It would be nice to get together with some folks for an evening of company . But I can 't seem to put in the effort . However , the days are starting to get longer and I know winter won 't last forever . Yesterday was an OK Weight Watcher - ing day . I have to confess that I did deviate from my planned meals / snacks , and I had a can of Coke and a handful of dark chocolate M & M 's . But it 's all counted and I still have Flex Points left , so it 's not a disaster . Exercise - wise I kicked butt . ( Do ya 'll mind if I say Kicked Ass ? Probably not . I think it 's my mother 's voice in my head , still telling me to watch my language after all these years ) . I did my Burn & Firm Pilates DVD with 4 lb weights ( 45 minutes ) , then I did some extra upper body work with heavier weights , plus 35 full push - ups , then 20 minutes walking on the treadmill ( I just can 't seem to stay away from the thing ) . Re : the push - ups - a poster on the weightwatchers . ca message board that I check in with every day issued a challenge to do 210 push - ups this week - that 's 30 a day . So I thought : why not ? I ended up doing 35 ( 15 + 10 + 10 ) which makes me feel kinda proud . Scale was up a bit again this morning , I 'm hoping it is just as a result of not enough water yesterday plus the strength training . P . S . - Thank - you so much to Erin at Our Wicked Weighs for choosing me as the Featured Loser for the week . I am truly honored that you would think of me . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 142 . 7 lbBF : Whole Wheat Raisin toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt w / strawberries & raspberries , 12 almondPosted by High of - 16 C here today , with wind chill in the - 30 's . Moon dropped me off in front of work , so I wasn 't outside for long , but it was long enough to feel how cold it was and to be glad I didn 't have to walk far . I feel like I did quite well this weekend . A couple of small treats , but overall I ate healthy meals & snacks in proper portions . Have leftovers for supper tonight , which makes for an easy day . Got in my workouts , so as long as I can get in 3 evening workouts between now and Friday , I 'm good . Toward the end of last week it was starting to get hard . I was feeling that urge to scrounge around the house , searching for chocolate ( not like it would really be too hard to find in my house ) . And yesterday while I was on the treadmill I was having popcorn cravings - for real popcorn , made in a pot on the stove , with melted butter and salt . But , for now I am hanging tough . Sometimes it feels like it 's all or nothing with me . I either stick to the program and ban treats , or I fall completely off the wagon . Sometimes I can manage to have small treats , but I find I have to watch it because it seems like the more I have the more I want . . . which leads to that whole falling off the wagon thing . It 's a delicate balance . So , while I did have a couple of small treats on the weekend , for the rest of the week I want to stick to my meal plans . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 142 . 5BF : WW Raisin toast w / PB , Coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Jerry Spring Rolls ( Crazy Plates recipe ) and Ma Po Tofu w / Jasmine Rice . I often don 't get around to posting on weekends , seems like I spend the weekends running around like a crazy person . I was going to have some fun and post some pictures , but for some reason things don 't seem to be working right . So , instead I will just say that my weekend has been going well . Got on the treadmill last night and then did some yoga . Today I did my Iron Yoga DVD , so hopefully all that yoga has washed away the stress from last week . Eating has also been good today , I 've actually tracked all my points . That 's it for today folks . Hope you all have a great weekend . Weigh In : 142 . 5 ( - 1 . 1 lb ) Week in ReviewSo I 'm up from yesterday 's weigh - in , but still down overall for the week . So that 's good . FoodLast weekend , again , not so good with the tracking . I seem to have a hard time with tracking points on the weekend - mainly because I can 't be bothered to take the time to sit down and do it , or to plan out meals . Like it takes such a long time . But , I 've been doing well during the week . I 'm not really feeling like I 'm doing Weight Watchers , truth be told . I am basically planning out my meals / snacks and sticking to them . I keep additional snack options in mind in case I might need them . I do enter it all into the tracker , but at this point it is more of a verification than anything . But I do think the points program is still helping me ; I think I need that upper limit . I enter in my planned meals , see that I 'm where I should be for the day and I know not to eat anything that is not on the plan . So far , so good . ExerciseAs I 've mentioned , I have switched to evening workouts for a while . I suspect that I will eventually go back to getting up early in the mornings , but I 'm feeling like I need a break from that right now . This seems to be resulting in a good news / bad news scenario . . . Good news : My exercise sessions have been longer because I don 't feel rushed like I do in the mornings . Bad news : Sometimes other things get in the way . But , if we 're gonna be realistic . . . it 's not like I 've never missed a workout because I decided to sleep in either . So , hopefully it will even out . For this week , I got in hour long sessions on Sunday , Monday , Tuesday . Wednesday night , my exercise was pre - empted by having to do some overtime work from home . Same thing happened last night . Not happy about it , but there it is . Plan for the coming weekBasically . . . Repeat last week , but hopefully without overtime to disrupt my exercise sessions . And more immediately , try to have meal plans in mind for the weekend and stick to them . OtherAnd finally , if you didn 't see my Fabulous FelinePosted by I just discovered recently that Ellen Barret , my favourite exercise DVD instructor of all time , has co - authored a book called Zodiaction . I was curious when I saw this title ; what could the signs of the Zodiac have to do with fitness ? I looked it up on amazon , and found that indeed is what it 's all about - how your astrological sign relates to your personal fitness program . Personally , I don 't believe in astrology or horoscopes . I think they can be fun , entertaining , but I 've never thought they really mean anything . So I was pretty much ready to dismiss this too . Then , as I continued to skim the description , I saw that one of the discussion points was : Why a Taurus will get good mileadge out of a treadmillI have to admit ; that peaked my interest . I am a Taurus , and here I 've been going on for the past week and a half about my love for the treadmill . I did belong to a gym for a few years , and I used other equipment ; I think I pretty much tried out all of the cardio options that were available at my gym . I always came back to the treadmill . For me , there is something therapeutic about walking . I love to walk outdoors , enjoy the fresh air and scenery . And the treadmill does it for me just as well . Even without a TV to watch , I can walk and let my thoughts wander . It 's great when I have something on my mind - walking really seems to help me sort through things . So now I am even more curious . What do Ellen Barrett and her co - author Barrie Dolnick have to say about me and my treadmill ? I 'm not sure that I want to buy the book , but I admit , I 'd like to know the answer to that question . Here 's the complete list in case you want to check out your sign : • The top - three foods Aries should stock up on • Why a Taurus will get good mileage out of a treadmill • Why Gemini should steer clear of candy • Why Cancer should stick to noncompetitive workout buddies • What makes Leo queen of the gym • What type of massage will send Virgo straight to heaven • How Libra can achieve inner peace • The peak hours for ScoPosted by This is not a new struggle for me , obviously . I keep at it for health reasons , but also - let 's be honest here - vanity plays a part . I don 't like how I look . I don 't like being chubby . So , I keep coming back to the struggle . Despite what I have just said , during this struggle I sometimes - often even - find myself thinking : but if I lose weight , my clothes won 't fit anymore and I like my clothes . How crazy is that ? Yeah , I like my clothes . . . but let 's face it , I like new clothes as well . I tend to buy new clothes every season ( in addition to liking clothes , I also like to shop ) . Eventually clothes wear out , go out of style , etc . So as much as I like these clothes , it 's not like I am going to wear them forever . I don 't know if that " but I like my clothes " refrain is an excuse not to try harder . Or something to console myself with because I feel I 'm going to fail anyway , but at least I can cheer myself with the fact that I have nice clothes to wear . Regardless , this stops now . Instead , I will remind myself : 1 . It will take time to lose weight , so I can enjoy wearing my beloved clothes until then . 2 . When I lose weight , it will be fun to shop for smaller sizes . So that 's it . No more shopping . I certainly don 't need new clothes - I have lots to wear . I will make full use of what I have , until such time as a ) they no longer fit me because I have become so slim , or b ) I have legitimately worn them out and I have nothing to wear . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143BF : toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / CreamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : ? ? Started out as quite a snowy day . Actually , the snow started yesterday in the afternoon and things were getting messy by the time we left work . There was a heavy snowfall warning overnight , and we did indeed get a pile of the white stuff dumped on us . Though certainly not the largest snow fall we 've had this winter . It was still snowing this morning , but by late morning the sun was out . Did my workout last night after supper . Would have preferred before supper , but Moon was starved and wanted to eat . So I ended up adding a post - workout snack to my day yesterday , but it was still a good day . Did 40 mins with weights and then 20 mins on the treadmill . Hopefully tonight will be another cardio session . Moved my ticker to the top of the page ; used to be at the bottom , but I thought it might be more motivational if it was at the top where I could actually see it . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 ( - 0 . 6 ) BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : Chicken Strips & Fries , raw veggiesPost - Workout snack : Multi - Grain Cheerios w / 2 % milk We now take a break from our regularly scheduled obsessing about weight loss to introduce the fabulous felines , Fred and George . JavaChick loves them to pieces , spoils them rotten and shares her dinner with them whenever they wish . Posted by The treadmill arrived on Saturday morning , and what a fun time the delivery guys had getting it into the basement . They just do not design houses with large - object delivery in mind . Which doesn 't make sense , as most people do at least have a couch . We had errands to run , shopping to do on Saturday so the treadmill had to wait until Sunday morning . It turned out to be fairly easy to put together ( though it 's a good thing I have lifted a weight or two in my workout history , as the base was pretty darn heavy and we had to lift it out of the box ) . The cats were quite enchanted with the giant box the treadmill came in , so they provided entertainment while we were assembling the thing . Moon and I both gave it a short spin , to try it out ( still trying to convince Moon that he needs to buy sneakers ) and then I had to get on with other things . But , it was in the back of my mind all day and I did hop on in the late afternoon / early evening and spent an hour on it . I put the TV on and I found the time went very fast ; I could have stayed on longer except it was getting late and I had to finish getting supper and so on . But for whatever reason , I do enjoy using a treadmill very much and hopefully it will get lots of use . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record : 143 . 2 ( - 0 . 4 ) BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread ( made myself ) w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Sagrati 's Greek Fest WrapSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : Thai One On ( Thai Shrimp Soup , ESBM ) & 1 egg rollPost workout snack : MultiGrain Cheerios w / 2 % milk Friday is weigh - in day , something I often look forward to with mixed feelings . Ever hopeful , often with a certain amount of dread . Today was ok : 143 . 6 ( - 0 . 9lb ) I will not lie , I had hoped to see the scale go down a bit more than that , but it is still a move in the right direction . Now would be a good time to evaluate the past week , so here goes : ~ last weekend was not so great ; some out of control munching going on there ~ Monday to Thursday I planned my meals and I followed my plans ~ exercise was definitely lacking this week . I think I am having a hard time getting back in to the morning exercise routine because , truthfully , I resent it . I am not a morning person . Waking up is hard . Waking up earlier is excruciating . But I have to accept that for now , this is my reality ; I just have to bite the bullet and do it . Goals for the coming week : ~ allow myself some treats on the weekend , but exercise a bit more control ~ keep on following those meal plans ~ get in more exercise sessionsTreadmill should arrive tomorrow , excited ! George the cat seems absolutely fine , so I guess whatever his problem was on Wednesday , it 's over now . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - BF : toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Chicken Pad Thai from Thai Hut . So , the plan yesterday was to go home after work and do a workout . I was able to do that Tuesday , no reason it shouldn 't work on Wednesday . Then , we ended up being an hour late leaving work . Got home to discover that one of the cats , George , had thrown up on the hallway floor twice . Noticed he was getting ready to do it again on the carpet in the spare room . Managed to grab him in time to move him to the hall , hardwood being easier to clean than carpet . Go in to the spare room to find that he has already thrown up twice on the carpet anyway . So I set about cleaning and scrubbing . Master bedroom was fine . Check basement and find another mess to clean up . Find another one in the living room by the unpleasant method of stepping in it . By the time all that was done , I barely had energy to make supper . Didn 't even clean up the kitchen after supper , so I have that to look forward to when I get home today . Thinking I 'd better make sure to get in a workout today , I set the alarm for early wake up time and went off to bed at my usual time of 10 : 15 PM . Normally , I fall asleep quite easily . Not last night . I tossed and turned . My legs were twitchy . My feet were itchy . I could feel something under my leg , digging in my knee . Kept trying to brush it away with my hand and finding nothing . Serious Princess and the Pea syndrome . I tossed and I turned some more . Needless to say , I did not make it out of bed to exercise this morning . George seems to be fine . I kept an eye on him last night and he was eating , drinking and behaving normally . Because I really do love my cats and I don 't want them to be sick . Yeah . So . It was just one of those days . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : : 143 . 7 lbsBF : Toast w / PB . Coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Beans & Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : PC Indian Butter Chicken sauce w / chicken , cauliflower , bell peppers . PC Garlic Naan This morning , I find myself asking : if not now , then when ? I 'm wearing a pair of pants this morning that are normally quite comfortable , if not a teensy bit loose . Today , I wouldn 't call them tight . . . but they are definitely snug . No room to grow there , that 's for sure . It has been normal for me to bounce up and down a bit - normally between 130 & 136 . . . but over the past year I have definitely gone beyond that . Can 't believe I have found myself at 145 lbs . So it 's time to do something before it gets any worse . It 's only going to get harder as time goes on . I certainly don 't want to gain more . The time is definitely now . Daily details . . . Count down to treadmill . . . 3 days ! Kind of excited . Weather is still warm ; 7 degrees on the way in to work this morning ! I only wore 2 layers of clothing to work today and I 'm actually comfortable . I know it won 't last , but for now I am loving it ! Knew it was bound to happen - scale bounced up a bit this morning , but I am still down from last Friday . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 2BF : Toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : ? ? ? Four days until treadmill is delivered ( Saturday ) . And the warming trend continues - the temperature is staying above 0 , the snow is melting . My deck furniture is finally snow free - this time I will get it inside before it gets buried in snow again . And I 'm still working on convincing Moon that he should get something to cover that brand new BBQ he was so happy to get last summer . Scale is still making me happy - 143 . 7 this morning . I know that the consistent decline in numbers is because I have gone from holiday eating to normal eating , and the rate of loss will slow down . But I don 't care ! For now it 's making me happy . Had an excellent day yesterday - adhered to my meal plan and avoided treats for a change . Treats are good . . . just not as many as I 've been having lately ! Couldn 't convince myself to get up to exercise this morning , but I did a workout as soon as I got home from work today . Just about to finish making supper and eat . So I am close to staying on plan for two days in a row . Imagine that . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 7BF : Toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Spaghetti Bolognese Heh . I am liking this new scale with it 's teeny increments . Started out last week at 145 . 1 , then 144 . 5 , this morning 144 . 2 . Of course , it 's bound to bounce back up at some point - suppose I won 't be as tickled about it then ? We 'll see . Dragged my butt out of bed for a workout this morning . Just a half hour - decided to easy myself into it . Moon thinks I should switch to working out in the evening so I won 't be so tired from getting up early , but then I 'm afraid I will end up being lazy and not doing it . May move to a combo . Again , we 'll see . Trying a new recipe for supper tonight . It 's a weight watchers recipe and I have to admit that WW recipes I have tried in the past have not thrilled me . But this one looked like it should be tasty , and I should be able to spice it up if it seems too bland . That makes another " we 'll see " . I 'm on a roll today . The weather has been getting progressively warmer since the weekend . Love it , love it , love it ! We 're actually above 0 folks . Quite a difference from the - 20 / - 29 wind chill days last week . The snow is melting , making quite a mess . But I don 't care . It 's warm ! Ha . 4 degress is warm ? Well , after - 29 it is . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 2BF : 1 slice WW toast w / PB . Coffee w / cream . Lunch : 6 almonds , leftover pad thai ( Crazy Plates recipe ) Snack : yogurt w / berries , cofee w / creamSupper : Chicken Tikka Masala w / Basmati Rice I 've been wanting a treadmill for a long time , but we kept putting it off . Always something else to spend money on . But this weekend , we finally did it . It will be delivered next Saturday . Then we just have to figure out how to put it together . Should be fun . Moon even said that he would probably use it . Okay , I 'll believe it when I see it , but I 'm hoping . We 'll have to buy him some sneakers first anyway . Other than that , not much going on this weekend . Cooking , cleaning , laundry . Some how I never seem to run out of that kind of stuff - I never finish . Gets frustrating . Back to work tomorrow , and actually have a full work week to look forward to . Ugh . In our freezing cold office . Ugh . I accept that I have to work for a living , but it would be nice if I could actually be comfortable at work . Is that so much to ask ? Eating has not been great this weekend . I know , I know . I just climb back on the wagon and already I 'm getting slack . This week I will do better . I seem to need a plan . I need a meal plan . I need lists of foods to eat and to avoid . I need strategies for coping . I need some method of tracking , some method of accountability . Basically , I need some direction . I have tried a few different things . A few years back I actually had some success with the old Weight Watchers plan - where you counted servings of different food groups . I was quite motivated at the time . I remember sitting on my end of the couch , resolutely ignoring the popcorn that my darling husband ( then boyfriend ) was munching on his end of the couch . I can picture myself now , almost physically leaning away from the smell of the popcorn . I used fitday for a long time . Then had brief flings with sparkpeople and calorie - count . They are all useful tools . For a while I was really tracking , paying attention to calories on exercise days vs . non - exercise days , using a formula that I found on Hussman Fitness ( an excellent no - nonsense resource by the way ) . All of those things worked for a while . But eventually I reached a breaking point . I would get frustrated and discouraged , tired of the whole thing . I felt like I didn 't even know what to eat any more or how much . More calories , less calories . High - intensity exercise , low intensity , intervals . More strength training , less strength training . Argh . It seems like it shouldn 't be so difficult . It should be common sense . I find that in the media it is often made to sound easy - eat less , exercise more and the pounds will come off . Yet I would feel like I was working my butt off , and getting nowhere . I still don 't have an answer . I know the theory of eat less , move more should work . But it seems like I must be missing something , because my efforts have not translated into results . Now , obviously I haven 't been making much of an effort over the past month or so . Particularly in the past 2 weeks , the weight loss attempts fell by the way - side . But I am back , picking it up to try again . What will make it different this time ? What will be the winning strategy ? I am going tPosted by And Happy 6th Wedding Anniversary to me and my darling hubby ! Our anniversary is on New Year 's Eve , and we had a lovely evening . We had a lovely holiday all around , but now it is back to work and back to Weight Watcher - ing . . . 5 pounds heavier than when I started out in September ! Not good , but I feel motivated to stop the insanity . I have to say - I did not feel ready to go back to work today , but I do feel ready to start eating healthy again . I can only stand so much indulgence . I 'm really hoping I can get Moon on board as well , but we shall see . And now , to provide some inspiration as I get going : Bad foods that are actually great for your waist ! I think there is a lot of common sense in that article , and some useful things to keep in mind . I also feel a little vindicated ! * I 'm not really a fan of red meat , but when we do have it , we always go for lean . Neither one of us enjoys chewing on fat , so steaks are always sirloin , and I always buy extra lean ground sirloin . * I never like the " diet " versions of ice cream or cheese ( with the exception of that Ben & Jerry 's chocolate brownie frozen yogurt ) . Actually , I 'm not that big a fan of ice cream ( again , except for Ben & Jerry 's ) . But I do like cheese , and I like my cheese to be full - fat , thank - you very much . Yogurt too . The low fat stuff always tasts like there is something missing . I 'd much rather have a small serving of the real thing . * If we 're having pizza , it 's usually made at home on whole wheat pita bread . Because it 's easy to do , less greasy , and when you load it with peppers , onions and olives , and a good tomato sauce , it is very yummy . So . . . this is my strategy for weight loss , and what I would like to adopt as my eating plan for life - eat real food that is healthy and tasty , in the correct portions . That almost sounds easy . . . It 's a healthy living blog . No ! Wait ! It 's a garden blog . . . Aw , who am I kidding ? It 's all about the cats !

The treadmill has been getting lots of use so far , at least by me . As a matter of fact , it 's been almost my only form of workout . When we initially set up the treadmill , we discovered that the TV stand we have is too low . Moon was ok , being 6 feet tall , but I could hardly see the TV . Right now I have it moved as far back in the room as possible so I can see . Works , but it 's kind of in the way . So we ordered a new TV stand , which I picked up last Saturday . It requires assembly of course . It 's still sitting where we dropped it , in the middle of the only clear space left on the basement floor . That box is just silly heavy . Last night I was thinking that I 'd really like to do my Pilates - Yoga blend DVD , as a change of pace . I crouched down and tried to slide to box further back , but it wouldn 't budge . I just ended up pushing myself across the basement floor . Tonight I think I 'm going to take my mat & DVD up to the living room . There 's not a lot of space in our living room , but there is enough room for pilates . Moon has yet to use the treadmill . He is blaming that on his lack of sneakers . So I have this little scheme in my head where I convince him to go out for breakfast on Saturday morning , and then we can buy his sneakers ( not that I would trick him - I 'd lay out the whole plan and count on the lure of yummy breakfast to convince him ) . Both places I want to go are in the same mall complex , very convenient . Debating on whether I need new sneakers . . . . Not sure . Normally I sleep really well , but last night I had a hard time falling asleep for some reason . Waking up was hard this morning . Looking forward to sleep tonight . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 3BF : Yogurt , strawberries , raspberriesSnack : 12 almondsLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSupper : Spaghetti Bolognese & Salad Bringing Sexy BackRecently while reviewing some pictures I 'd downloaded from my camera I came across one that Moon must have taken . It wasn 't a picture of me , but I was there in the background , turned at an angle speaking to someone . I saw the picture and I thought " Holy Cow ! How does my husband still love me ? " Obviously that 's not fair to either one of us . My husband loves me for me , not for how much I weigh . On top of that , it was an unflattering camera angle . It happens . But , the truth is , it does bother me that I am no longer the skinny little thing that I was when Moon and & I first met . I don 't exactly feel sexy these days . I miss skinny JavaChick . I know I will probably never be quite that small again , but I can certainly be smaller than I am now . This also reminded me that many weight loss programs encourage you to take progress pictures . This is something I have never bothered with , I guess I never saw the point . But now it occurs to me that knowing I will be taking pictures might provide that extra motivation needed to keep me on track . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 8BF : Grain Shop High Fibre Crisp cereal w / milk , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry with brown riceSnach : yogurt & berriesSupper : PC curry sauce w / chicken , cauliflower & bell pepper , PC Garlic Naan That 's right . I caved . Hanging head in shame . It went something like this . . . Get home from work . Want chocolate . Need chocolate . Argue with self . No , I do not need chocolate , I need supper . Throw leftovers in microwave to heat up , the faster I can eat real food , the better off I will be . Start eating and realize that I was actually quite hungry . Then realize that I was so focussed on getting food fast , I forgot to make the salad . Oh well . Finish off my leftovers . Start puttering around , cleaning up the kitchen , etc . Decide that I still want chocolate and I don 't care , I 'm just going to eat it anyway . So there . A little bit of chocolate would have been ok , but unfortunately it was more than a little bit . I was turbo - snarfing the stuff . I should have made the salad , or at least had some raw veggies to munch on - there is a bag of cauliflower in the fridge , all chopped up and ready to go . But let 's face it , put chocolate and cauliflower side by side and what are you going to choose ? The only thing I did right last night was to make my way downstairs to the treadmill ( stuffing chocolate in my face as I went ) and I did an extra long walk . I know that won 't make up for the chocolate binge , but at least it was something . I am done though . I am not doing that tonight . There is no good reason for it , and every reason not to . I hereby declare today to be a chocolate - free day in JavaChick Land . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 0BF : 1 / 2 grapefruit , High Fibre Crisp cereal w / 2 % milk , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : yogurt w / raspberries & blueberriesSupper : ? ? ? ~ not sure yet Since Christy asked in the comments , I thought I 'd throw this up here . I don 't actually have a recipe for this , it was based on a recipe called Chickpeas Cooked in Tea ( Dhabay kay chanai ) from Madhur Jaffrey 's Quick and Easy Indian Cooking . I adjusted for what I had on hand . So , this is what I think I remember doing . . . Chickpea Curry with Brown Rice1 tsp cumin seeds1 onion , chopped1 red bell pepper , chopped 1 or 2 carrots , chopped ( depending on size ) 1 / 2 - 1 tbsp chopped fresh ginger ( to taste , I like lots ) 1 / 4 to 1 / 2 tsp cayenne2 tsp ground cumin1 tsp garam masalasalt , cinnamon , turmeric ( I don 't think I measured , large pinch ? ) 1 lg can diced tomatoes1 carton chicken or vegetable stock ( 900 ml tetra pack ) 1 tbsp lemon juice1 can chickpeas , drained & rinsed1 cup brown ricehandful chopped cilantroHeat a little oil in large pot ( or use cooking spray , whatever you fancy ) . Add cumin seeds and let them sizzle for 15 seconds or so . Add onion , bell pepper , carrots and ginger and saute until vegetables start to soften . Add the remaining spices and chickpeas , and stir around for a few seconds more . Add tomatoes , broth and lemon juice ; bring to a boil . Add rice and simmer over low heat until rice is cooked . Stir in cilantro and remove from heat . The original recipe does not have the broth & the rice , it did have 2 cans of chickpeas rather than one . I added the broth & rice because it 's easier than cooking rice separately . Also , I only had 1 can of chickpeas in the cupboard . I added the cinnamon & turmeric because they are common curry spices , but I 'm sure you could get by without them . That 's how I feel today . Ugh . I have to admit that I was not making healthy food choices for most of the weekend . In addition to the usual weekend stuff - laundry , grocery shopping , trying to find a bit of time to relax , I was also doing some work from home . Which I sorta resent , I have to admit . And when I wasn 't working , I felt a bit guilty that I was taking time to do other things , instead of just parking my butt behind the laptop all weekend . So I was feeling a little stressed and kinda worn out , and food was not exactly at the top of my priority list . I get busy like that and I tend to think " I 'll worry about eating later . " When I 'm on my own , that sometimes works out ok . But when Moon is around it tends to lead to bad things like Kraft Dinner and Wendy 's . What happens is , he comes along and says " What 's for lunch ? " and I say " I don 't know , I haven 't thought about it , what time is it ? " Then he 's hungry and I 'm too absorbed in other things to make an effort and Presto ! There 's a dish of Kraft Dinner . I didn 't feel the slightest bit hungry this morning , but I forced myself to eat some breakfast anyway . Now I 'm at work and I 'm cold and I 'm cranky , and just taking a few minutes to quickly type up this entry . Hopefully the crankiness will wear off soon . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 6BF : 1 / 2 grapefruit , 1 / 2 cup cottage cheese , coffee w / creamSnack : 9 almondsLunch : Chick pea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt w / raspberries & blueberriesSupper : Chicken Fajitas ( leftover from last night ) Weight : 142 . 9 lbsSo I am up 0 . 4 pounds this week . It 's disappointing , especially since I felt like I was having such a good week . I was eating properly , working out , doing all the things I want to do , and I gain . But , I also know that showing a gain one week does not necessarily mean anything . Overall , I still feel like I 'm doing the right things to be healthy . I did not use all my Flex Points this week . That wasn 't deliberate . I planned out my meals and I knew I had room if I felt like I needed something extra , but I wasn 't hungry . Whether that made a difference , I don 't know . We 'll have to wait and see what next week brings . It 's weighing on my mind . It 's always there , hovering . Will I see a loss at this week 's weigh - in ? How long will this take ? What if I plateau again , and get discouraged again . How can I change up my diet , my workouts , to get results ? Anytime there is a social engagement coming up , I am preoccupied wondering : What can I wear that I won 't feel fat in ? I 'm so impatient . Realistically , I know it takes time , but I want the weight to be gone now ! I feel like I 'm wishing my life away , each week impatient for weigh - in day so I can advance the ticker , reduce the number of pounds left to lose , adjust my countdown . It 's like that Quaker commercial , where the women are walking around with a scale dragging from their ankle . It 's a burden I could do without . After 3 weeks of seeing the numbers on the scale steadily drop , this week those numbers are suddenly increasing again , even though I have been eating properly and working out . I know that ups and downs happen , even when you are doing the right things , but it does wear one down eventually . Daily DetailsI was tired last night , and by the time we finished supper and cleaned up it was getting late , so I did a short workout ( 30 mins on the treadmill and 35 push - ups for the challenge ) . Then I had a shower and went to bed . Didn 't eat anything extra . Drank all my water yesterday . Scale was up this morning . This is starting to get to me . . . up 3 days in a row , and today was a big increase . Grr ! At least the weather has finally warmed up a bit . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 9BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : yogurt w / strawberries & raspberriesSupper : Kickin ' Chicken ( ESBM recipe ) , rice , veggies Ok , it 's still silly - cold outside . It is supposed to warm up enough to snow . Then maybe get a little warmer so it can rain . Then it is supposed to get cold again . Ah , winter ! The best thing I can say about it is that it really makes me appreciate the other 3 seasons of the year . I am feeling like I 'm going in to hibernation mode a bit . There are friends that I would like to get in touch with , just to say hi , exchange news etc . It would be nice to get together with some folks for an evening of company . But I can 't seem to put in the effort . However , the days are starting to get longer and I know winter won 't last forever . Yesterday was an OK Weight Watcher - ing day . I have to confess that I did deviate from my planned meals / snacks , and I had a can of Coke and a handful of dark chocolate M & M 's . But it 's all counted and I still have Flex Points left , so it 's not a disaster . Exercise - wise I kicked butt . ( Do ya 'll mind if I say Kicked Ass ? Probably not . I think it 's my mother 's voice in my head , still telling me to watch my language after all these years ) . I did my Burn & Firm Pilates DVD with 4 lb weights ( 45 minutes ) , then I did some extra upper body work with heavier weights , plus 35 full push - ups , then 20 minutes walking on the treadmill ( I just can 't seem to stay away from the thing ) . Re : the push - ups - a poster on the weightwatchers . ca message board that I check in with every day issued a challenge to do 210 push - ups this week - that 's 30 a day . So I thought : why not ? I ended up doing 35 ( 15 + 10 + 10 ) which makes me feel kinda proud . Scale was up a bit again this morning , I 'm hoping it is just as a result of not enough water yesterday plus the strength training . P . S . - Thank - you so much to Erin at Our Wicked Weighs for choosing me as the Featured Loser for the week . I am truly honored that you would think of me . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 142 . 7 lbBF : Whole Wheat Raisin toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt w / strawberries & raspberries , 12 almondPosted by High of - 16 C here today , with wind chill in the - 30 's . Moon dropped me off in front of work , so I wasn 't outside for long , but it was long enough to feel how cold it was and to be glad I didn 't have to walk far . I feel like I did quite well this weekend . A couple of small treats , but overall I ate healthy meals & snacks in proper portions . Have leftovers for supper tonight , which makes for an easy day . Got in my workouts , so as long as I can get in 3 evening workouts between now and Friday , I 'm good . Toward the end of last week it was starting to get hard . I was feeling that urge to scrounge around the house , searching for chocolate ( not like it would really be too hard to find in my house ) . And yesterday while I was on the treadmill I was having popcorn cravings - for real popcorn , made in a pot on the stove , with melted butter and salt . But , for now I am hanging tough . Sometimes it feels like it 's all or nothing with me . I either stick to the program and ban treats , or I fall completely off the wagon . Sometimes I can manage to have small treats , but I find I have to watch it because it seems like the more I have the more I want . . . which leads to that whole falling off the wagon thing . It 's a delicate balance . So , while I did have a couple of small treats on the weekend , for the rest of the week I want to stick to my meal plans . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 142 . 5BF : WW Raisin toast w / PB , Coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Jerry Spring Rolls ( Crazy Plates recipe ) and Ma Po Tofu w / Jasmine Rice . I often don 't get around to posting on weekends , seems like I spend the weekends running around like a crazy person . I was going to have some fun and post some pictures , but for some reason things don 't seem to be working right . So , instead I will just say that my weekend has been going well . Got on the treadmill last night and then did some yoga . Today I did my Iron Yoga DVD , so hopefully all that yoga has washed away the stress from last week . Eating has also been good today , I 've actually tracked all my points . That 's it for today folks . Hope you all have a great weekend . Weigh In : 142 . 5 ( - 1 . 1 lb ) Week in ReviewSo I 'm up from yesterday 's weigh - in , but still down overall for the week . So that 's good . FoodLast weekend , again , not so good with the tracking . I seem to have a hard time with tracking points on the weekend - mainly because I can 't be bothered to take the time to sit down and do it , or to plan out meals . Like it takes such a long time . But , I 've been doing well during the week . I 'm not really feeling like I 'm doing Weight Watchers , truth be told . I am basically planning out my meals / snacks and sticking to them . I keep additional snack options in mind in case I might need them . I do enter it all into the tracker , but at this point it is more of a verification than anything . But I do think the points program is still helping me ; I think I need that upper limit . I enter in my planned meals , see that I 'm where I should be for the day and I know not to eat anything that is not on the plan . So far , so good . ExerciseAs I 've mentioned , I have switched to evening workouts for a while . I suspect that I will eventually go back to getting up early in the mornings , but I 'm feeling like I need a break from that right now . This seems to be resulting in a good news / bad news scenario . . . Good news : My exercise sessions have been longer because I don 't feel rushed like I do in the mornings . Bad news : Sometimes other things get in the way . But , if we 're gonna be realistic . . . it 's not like I 've never missed a workout because I decided to sleep in either . So , hopefully it will even out . For this week , I got in hour long sessions on Sunday , Monday , Tuesday . Wednesday night , my exercise was pre - empted by having to do some overtime work from home . Same thing happened last night . Not happy about it , but there it is . Plan for the coming weekBasically . . . Repeat last week , but hopefully without overtime to disrupt my exercise sessions . And more immediately , try to have meal plans in mind for the weekend and stick to them . OtherAnd finally , if you didn 't see my Fabulous FelinePosted by I just discovered recently that Ellen Barret , my favourite exercise DVD instructor of all time , has co - authored a book called Zodiaction . I was curious when I saw this title ; what could the signs of the Zodiac have to do with fitness ? I looked it up on amazon , and found that indeed is what it 's all about - how your astrological sign relates to your personal fitness program . Personally , I don 't believe in astrology or horoscopes . I think they can be fun , entertaining , but I 've never thought they really mean anything . So I was pretty much ready to dismiss this too . Then , as I continued to skim the description , I saw that one of the discussion points was : Why a Taurus will get good mileadge out of a treadmillI have to admit ; that peaked my interest . I am a Taurus , and here I 've been going on for the past week and a half about my love for the treadmill . I did belong to a gym for a few years , and I used other equipment ; I think I pretty much tried out all of the cardio options that were available at my gym . I always came back to the treadmill . For me , there is something therapeutic about walking . I love to walk outdoors , enjoy the fresh air and scenery . And the treadmill does it for me just as well . Even without a TV to watch , I can walk and let my thoughts wander . It 's great when I have something on my mind - walking really seems to help me sort through things . So now I am even more curious . What do Ellen Barrett and her co - author Barrie Dolnick have to say about me and my treadmill ? I 'm not sure that I want to buy the book , but I admit , I 'd like to know the answer to that question . Here 's the complete list in case you want to check out your sign : • The top - three foods Aries should stock up on • Why a Taurus will get good mileage out of a treadmill • Why Gemini should steer clear of candy • Why Cancer should stick to noncompetitive workout buddies • What makes Leo queen of the gym • What type of massage will send Virgo straight to heaven • How Libra can achieve inner peace • The peak hours for ScoPosted by This is not a new struggle for me , obviously . I keep at it for health reasons , but also - let 's be honest here - vanity plays a part . I don 't like how I look . I don 't like being chubby . So , I keep coming back to the struggle . Despite what I have just said , during this struggle I sometimes - often even - find myself thinking : but if I lose weight , my clothes won 't fit anymore and I like my clothes . How crazy is that ? Yeah , I like my clothes . . . but let 's face it , I like new clothes as well . I tend to buy new clothes every season ( in addition to liking clothes , I also like to shop ) . Eventually clothes wear out , go out of style , etc . So as much as I like these clothes , it 's not like I am going to wear them forever . I don 't know if that " but I like my clothes " refrain is an excuse not to try harder . Or something to console myself with because I feel I 'm going to fail anyway , but at least I can cheer myself with the fact that I have nice clothes to wear . Regardless , this stops now . Instead , I will remind myself : 1 . It will take time to lose weight , so I can enjoy wearing my beloved clothes until then . 2 . When I lose weight , it will be fun to shop for smaller sizes . So that 's it . No more shopping . I certainly don 't need new clothes - I have lots to wear . I will make full use of what I have , until such time as a ) they no longer fit me because I have become so slim , or b ) I have legitimately worn them out and I have nothing to wear . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143BF : toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / CreamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : ? ? Started out as quite a snowy day . Actually , the snow started yesterday in the afternoon and things were getting messy by the time we left work . There was a heavy snowfall warning overnight , and we did indeed get a pile of the white stuff dumped on us . Though certainly not the largest snow fall we 've had this winter . It was still snowing this morning , but by late morning the sun was out . Did my workout last night after supper . Would have preferred before supper , but Moon was starved and wanted to eat . So I ended up adding a post - workout snack to my day yesterday , but it was still a good day . Did 40 mins with weights and then 20 mins on the treadmill . Hopefully tonight will be another cardio session . Moved my ticker to the top of the page ; used to be at the bottom , but I thought it might be more motivational if it was at the top where I could actually see it . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 ( - 0 . 6 ) BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : Chicken Strips & Fries , raw veggiesPost - Workout snack : Multi - Grain Cheerios w / 2 % milk We now take a break from our regularly scheduled obsessing about weight loss to introduce the fabulous felines , Fred and George . JavaChick loves them to pieces , spoils them rotten and shares her dinner with them whenever they wish . Posted by The treadmill arrived on Saturday morning , and what a fun time the delivery guys had getting it into the basement . They just do not design houses with large - object delivery in mind . Which doesn 't make sense , as most people do at least have a couch . We had errands to run , shopping to do on Saturday so the treadmill had to wait until Sunday morning . It turned out to be fairly easy to put together ( though it 's a good thing I have lifted a weight or two in my workout history , as the base was pretty darn heavy and we had to lift it out of the box ) . The cats were quite enchanted with the giant box the treadmill came in , so they provided entertainment while we were assembling the thing . Moon and I both gave it a short spin , to try it out ( still trying to convince Moon that he needs to buy sneakers ) and then I had to get on with other things . But , it was in the back of my mind all day and I did hop on in the late afternoon / early evening and spent an hour on it . I put the TV on and I found the time went very fast ; I could have stayed on longer except it was getting late and I had to finish getting supper and so on . But for whatever reason , I do enjoy using a treadmill very much and hopefully it will get lots of use . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record : 143 . 2 ( - 0 . 4 ) BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread ( made myself ) w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Sagrati 's Greek Fest WrapSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : Thai One On ( Thai Shrimp Soup , ESBM ) & 1 egg rollPost workout snack : MultiGrain Cheerios w / 2 % milk Friday is weigh - in day , something I often look forward to with mixed feelings . Ever hopeful , often with a certain amount of dread . Today was ok : 143 . 6 ( - 0 . 9lb ) I will not lie , I had hoped to see the scale go down a bit more than that , but it is still a move in the right direction . Now would be a good time to evaluate the past week , so here goes : ~ last weekend was not so great ; some out of control munching going on there ~ Monday to Thursday I planned my meals and I followed my plans ~ exercise was definitely lacking this week . I think I am having a hard time getting back in to the morning exercise routine because , truthfully , I resent it . I am not a morning person . Waking up is hard . Waking up earlier is excruciating . But I have to accept that for now , this is my reality ; I just have to bite the bullet and do it . Goals for the coming week : ~ allow myself some treats on the weekend , but exercise a bit more control ~ keep on following those meal plans ~ get in more exercise sessionsTreadmill should arrive tomorrow , excited ! George the cat seems absolutely fine , so I guess whatever his problem was on Wednesday , it 's over now . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - BF : toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Chicken Pad Thai from Thai Hut . So , the plan yesterday was to go home after work and do a workout . I was able to do that Tuesday , no reason it shouldn 't work on Wednesday . Then , we ended up being an hour late leaving work . Got home to discover that one of the cats , George , had thrown up on the hallway floor twice . Noticed he was getting ready to do it again on the carpet in the spare room . Managed to grab him in time to move him to the hall , hardwood being easier to clean than carpet . Go in to the spare room to find that he has already thrown up twice on the carpet anyway . So I set about cleaning and scrubbing . Master bedroom was fine . Check basement and find another mess to clean up . Find another one in the living room by the unpleasant method of stepping in it . By the time all that was done , I barely had energy to make supper . Didn 't even clean up the kitchen after supper , so I have that to look forward to when I get home today . Thinking I 'd better make sure to get in a workout today , I set the alarm for early wake up time and went off to bed at my usual time of 10 : 15 PM . Normally , I fall asleep quite easily . Not last night . I tossed and turned . My legs were twitchy . My feet were itchy . I could feel something under my leg , digging in my knee . Kept trying to brush it away with my hand and finding nothing . Serious Princess and the Pea syndrome . I tossed and I turned some more . Needless to say , I did not make it out of bed to exercise this morning . George seems to be fine . I kept an eye on him last night and he was eating , drinking and behaving normally . Because I really do love my cats and I don 't want them to be sick . Yeah . So . It was just one of those days . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : : 143 . 7 lbsBF : Toast w / PB . Coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Beans & Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : PC Indian Butter Chicken sauce w / chicken , cauliflower , bell peppers . PC Garlic Naan This morning , I find myself asking : if not now , then when ? I 'm wearing a pair of pants this morning that are normally quite comfortable , if not a teensy bit loose . Today , I wouldn 't call them tight . . . but they are definitely snug . No room to grow there , that 's for sure . It has been normal for me to bounce up and down a bit - normally between 130 & 136 . . . but over the past year I have definitely gone beyond that . Can 't believe I have found myself at 145 lbs . So it 's time to do something before it gets any worse . It 's only going to get harder as time goes on . I certainly don 't want to gain more . The time is definitely now . Daily details . . . Count down to treadmill . . . 3 days ! Kind of excited . Weather is still warm ; 7 degrees on the way in to work this morning ! I only wore 2 layers of clothing to work today and I 'm actually comfortable . I know it won 't last , but for now I am loving it ! Knew it was bound to happen - scale bounced up a bit this morning , but I am still down from last Friday . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 2BF : Toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : ? ? ? Four days until treadmill is delivered ( Saturday ) . And the warming trend continues - the temperature is staying above 0 , the snow is melting . My deck furniture is finally snow free - this time I will get it inside before it gets buried in snow again . And I 'm still working on convincing Moon that he should get something to cover that brand new BBQ he was so happy to get last summer . Scale is still making me happy - 143 . 7 this morning . I know that the consistent decline in numbers is because I have gone from holiday eating to normal eating , and the rate of loss will slow down . But I don 't care ! For now it 's making me happy . Had an excellent day yesterday - adhered to my meal plan and avoided treats for a change . Treats are good . . . just not as many as I 've been having lately ! Couldn 't convince myself to get up to exercise this morning , but I did a workout as soon as I got home from work today . Just about to finish making supper and eat . So I am close to staying on plan for two days in a row . Imagine that . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 7BF : Toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Spaghetti Bolognese Heh . I am liking this new scale with it 's teeny increments . Started out last week at 145 . 1 , then 144 . 5 , this morning 144 . 2 . Of course , it 's bound to bounce back up at some point - suppose I won 't be as tickled about it then ? We 'll see . Dragged my butt out of bed for a workout this morning . Just a half hour - decided to easy myself into it . Moon thinks I should switch to working out in the evening so I won 't be so tired from getting up early , but then I 'm afraid I will end up being lazy and not doing it . May move to a combo . Again , we 'll see . Trying a new recipe for supper tonight . It 's a weight watchers recipe and I have to admit that WW recipes I have tried in the past have not thrilled me . But this one looked like it should be tasty , and I should be able to spice it up if it seems too bland . That makes another " we 'll see " . I 'm on a roll today . The weather has been getting progressively warmer since the weekend . Love it , love it , love it ! We 're actually above 0 folks . Quite a difference from the - 20 / - 29 wind chill days last week . The snow is melting , making quite a mess . But I don 't care . It 's warm ! Ha . 4 degress is warm ? Well , after - 29 it is . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 2BF : 1 slice WW toast w / PB . Coffee w / cream . Lunch : 6 almonds , leftover pad thai ( Crazy Plates recipe ) Snack : yogurt w / berries , cofee w / creamSupper : Chicken Tikka Masala w / Basmati Rice I 've been wanting a treadmill for a long time , but we kept putting it off . Always something else to spend money on . But this weekend , we finally did it . It will be delivered next Saturday . Then we just have to figure out how to put it together . Should be fun . Moon even said that he would probably use it . Okay , I 'll believe it when I see it , but I 'm hoping . We 'll have to buy him some sneakers first anyway . Other than that , not much going on this weekend . Cooking , cleaning , laundry . Some how I never seem to run out of that kind of stuff - I never finish . Gets frustrating . Back to work tomorrow , and actually have a full work week to look forward to . Ugh . In our freezing cold office . Ugh . I accept that I have to work for a living , but it would be nice if I could actually be comfortable at work . Is that so much to ask ? Eating has not been great this weekend . I know , I know . I just climb back on the wagon and already I 'm getting slack . This week I will do better . I seem to need a plan . I need a meal plan . I need lists of foods to eat and to avoid . I need strategies for coping . I need some method of tracking , some method of accountability . Basically , I need some direction . I have tried a few different things . A few years back I actually had some success with the old Weight Watchers plan - where you counted servings of different food groups . I was quite motivated at the time . I remember sitting on my end of the couch , resolutely ignoring the popcorn that my darling husband ( then boyfriend ) was munching on his end of the couch . I can picture myself now , almost physically leaning away from the smell of the popcorn . I used fitday for a long time . Then had brief flings with sparkpeople and calorie - count . They are all useful tools . For a while I was really tracking , paying attention to calories on exercise days vs . non - exercise days , using a formula that I found on Hussman Fitness ( an excellent no - nonsense resource by the way ) . All of those things worked for a while . But eventually I reached a breaking point . I would get frustrated and discouraged , tired of the whole thing . I felt like I didn 't even know what to eat any more or how much . More calories , less calories . High - intensity exercise , low intensity , intervals . More strength training , less strength training . Argh . It seems like it shouldn 't be so difficult . It should be common sense . I find that in the media it is often made to sound easy - eat less , exercise more and the pounds will come off . Yet I would feel like I was working my butt off , and getting nowhere . I still don 't have an answer . I know the theory of eat less , move more should work . But it seems like I must be missing something , because my efforts have not translated into results . Now , obviously I haven 't been making much of an effort over the past month or so . Particularly in the past 2 weeks , the weight loss attempts fell by the way - side . But I am back , picking it up to try again . What will make it different this time ? What will be the winning strategy ? I am going tPosted by And Happy 6th Wedding Anniversary to me and my darling hubby ! Our anniversary is on New Year 's Eve , and we had a lovely evening . We had a lovely holiday all around , but now it is back to work and back to Weight Watcher - ing . . . 5 pounds heavier than when I started out in September ! Not good , but I feel motivated to stop the insanity . I have to say - I did not feel ready to go back to work today , but I do feel ready to start eating healthy again . I can only stand so much indulgence . I 'm really hoping I can get Moon on board as well , but we shall see . And now , to provide some inspiration as I get going : Bad foods that are actually great for your waist ! I think there is a lot of common sense in that article , and some useful things to keep in mind . I also feel a little vindicated ! * I 'm not really a fan of red meat , but when we do have it , we always go for lean . Neither one of us enjoys chewing on fat , so steaks are always sirloin , and I always buy extra lean ground sirloin . * I never like the " diet " versions of ice cream or cheese ( with the exception of that Ben & Jerry 's chocolate brownie frozen yogurt ) . Actually , I 'm not that big a fan of ice cream ( again , except for Ben & Jerry 's ) . But I do like cheese , and I like my cheese to be full - fat , thank - you very much . Yogurt too . The low fat stuff always tasts like there is something missing . I 'd much rather have a small serving of the real thing . * If we 're having pizza , it 's usually made at home on whole wheat pita bread . Because it 's easy to do , less greasy , and when you load it with peppers , onions and olives , and a good tomato sauce , it is very yummy . So . . . this is my strategy for weight loss , and what I would like to adopt as my eating plan for life - eat real food that is healthy and tasty , in the correct portions . That almost sounds easy . . . It 's a healthy living blog . No ! Wait ! It 's a garden blog . . . Aw , who am I kidding ? It 's all about the cats !

The treadmill has been getting lots of use so far , at least by me . As a matter of fact , it 's been almost my only form of workout . When we initially set up the treadmill , we discovered that the TV stand we have is too low . Moon was ok , being 6 feet tall , but I could hardly see the TV . Right now I have it moved as far back in the room as possible so I can see . Works , but it 's kind of in the way . So we ordered a new TV stand , which I picked up last Saturday . It requires assembly of course . It 's still sitting where we dropped it , in the middle of the only clear space left on the basement floor . That box is just silly heavy . Last night I was thinking that I 'd really like to do my Pilates - Yoga blend DVD , as a change of pace . I crouched down and tried to slide to box further back , but it wouldn 't budge . I just ended up pushing myself across the basement floor . Tonight I think I 'm going to take my mat & DVD up to the living room . There 's not a lot of space in our living room , but there is enough room for pilates . Moon has yet to use the treadmill . He is blaming that on his lack of sneakers . So I have this little scheme in my head where I convince him to go out for breakfast on Saturday morning , and then we can buy his sneakers ( not that I would trick him - I 'd lay out the whole plan and count on the lure of yummy breakfast to convince him ) . Both places I want to go are in the same mall complex , very convenient . Debating on whether I need new sneakers . . . . Not sure . Normally I sleep really well , but last night I had a hard time falling asleep for some reason . Waking up was hard this morning . Looking forward to sleep tonight . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 3BF : Yogurt , strawberries , raspberriesSnack : 12 almondsLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSupper : Spaghetti Bolognese & Salad Bringing Sexy BackRecently while reviewing some pictures I 'd downloaded from my camera I came across one that Moon must have taken . It wasn 't a picture of me , but I was there in the background , turned at an angle speaking to someone . I saw the picture and I thought " Holy Cow ! How does my husband still love me ? " Obviously that 's not fair to either one of us . My husband loves me for me , not for how much I weigh . On top of that , it was an unflattering camera angle . It happens . But , the truth is , it does bother me that I am no longer the skinny little thing that I was when Moon and & I first met . I don 't exactly feel sexy these days . I miss skinny JavaChick . I know I will probably never be quite that small again , but I can certainly be smaller than I am now . This also reminded me that many weight loss programs encourage you to take progress pictures . This is something I have never bothered with , I guess I never saw the point . But now it occurs to me that knowing I will be taking pictures might provide that extra motivation needed to keep me on track . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 8BF : Grain Shop High Fibre Crisp cereal w / milk , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry with brown riceSnach : yogurt & berriesSupper : PC curry sauce w / chicken , cauliflower & bell pepper , PC Garlic Naan That 's right . I caved . Hanging head in shame . It went something like this . . . Get home from work . Want chocolate . Need chocolate . Argue with self . No , I do not need chocolate , I need supper . Throw leftovers in microwave to heat up , the faster I can eat real food , the better off I will be . Start eating and realize that I was actually quite hungry . Then realize that I was so focussed on getting food fast , I forgot to make the salad . Oh well . Finish off my leftovers . Start puttering around , cleaning up the kitchen , etc . Decide that I still want chocolate and I don 't care , I 'm just going to eat it anyway . So there . A little bit of chocolate would have been ok , but unfortunately it was more than a little bit . I was turbo - snarfing the stuff . I should have made the salad , or at least had some raw veggies to munch on - there is a bag of cauliflower in the fridge , all chopped up and ready to go . But let 's face it , put chocolate and cauliflower side by side and what are you going to choose ? The only thing I did right last night was to make my way downstairs to the treadmill ( stuffing chocolate in my face as I went ) and I did an extra long walk . I know that won 't make up for the chocolate binge , but at least it was something . I am done though . I am not doing that tonight . There is no good reason for it , and every reason not to . I hereby declare today to be a chocolate - free day in JavaChick Land . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 0BF : 1 / 2 grapefruit , High Fibre Crisp cereal w / 2 % milk , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : yogurt w / raspberries & blueberriesSupper : ? ? ? ~ not sure yet Since Christy asked in the comments , I thought I 'd throw this up here . I don 't actually have a recipe for this , it was based on a recipe called Chickpeas Cooked in Tea ( Dhabay kay chanai ) from Madhur Jaffrey 's Quick and Easy Indian Cooking . I adjusted for what I had on hand . So , this is what I think I remember doing . . . Chickpea Curry with Brown Rice1 tsp cumin seeds1 onion , chopped1 red bell pepper , chopped 1 or 2 carrots , chopped ( depending on size ) 1 / 2 - 1 tbsp chopped fresh ginger ( to taste , I like lots ) 1 / 4 to 1 / 2 tsp cayenne2 tsp ground cumin1 tsp garam masalasalt , cinnamon , turmeric ( I don 't think I measured , large pinch ? ) 1 lg can diced tomatoes1 carton chicken or vegetable stock ( 900 ml tetra pack ) 1 tbsp lemon juice1 can chickpeas , drained & rinsed1 cup brown ricehandful chopped cilantroHeat a little oil in large pot ( or use cooking spray , whatever you fancy ) . Add cumin seeds and let them sizzle for 15 seconds or so . Add onion , bell pepper , carrots and ginger and saute until vegetables start to soften . Add the remaining spices and chickpeas , and stir around for a few seconds more . Add tomatoes , broth and lemon juice ; bring to a boil . Add rice and simmer over low heat until rice is cooked . Stir in cilantro and remove from heat . The original recipe does not have the broth & the rice , it did have 2 cans of chickpeas rather than one . I added the broth & rice because it 's easier than cooking rice separately . Also , I only had 1 can of chickpeas in the cupboard . I added the cinnamon & turmeric because they are common curry spices , but I 'm sure you could get by without them . That 's how I feel today . Ugh . I have to admit that I was not making healthy food choices for most of the weekend . In addition to the usual weekend stuff - laundry , grocery shopping , trying to find a bit of time to relax , I was also doing some work from home . Which I sorta resent , I have to admit . And when I wasn 't working , I felt a bit guilty that I was taking time to do other things , instead of just parking my butt behind the laptop all weekend . So I was feeling a little stressed and kinda worn out , and food was not exactly at the top of my priority list . I get busy like that and I tend to think " I 'll worry about eating later . " When I 'm on my own , that sometimes works out ok . But when Moon is around it tends to lead to bad things like Kraft Dinner and Wendy 's . What happens is , he comes along and says " What 's for lunch ? " and I say " I don 't know , I haven 't thought about it , what time is it ? " Then he 's hungry and I 'm too absorbed in other things to make an effort and Presto ! There 's a dish of Kraft Dinner . I didn 't feel the slightest bit hungry this morning , but I forced myself to eat some breakfast anyway . Now I 'm at work and I 'm cold and I 'm cranky , and just taking a few minutes to quickly type up this entry . Hopefully the crankiness will wear off soon . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 6BF : 1 / 2 grapefruit , 1 / 2 cup cottage cheese , coffee w / creamSnack : 9 almondsLunch : Chick pea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt w / raspberries & blueberriesSupper : Chicken Fajitas ( leftover from last night ) Weight : 142 . 9 lbsSo I am up 0 . 4 pounds this week . It 's disappointing , especially since I felt like I was having such a good week . I was eating properly , working out , doing all the things I want to do , and I gain . But , I also know that showing a gain one week does not necessarily mean anything . Overall , I still feel like I 'm doing the right things to be healthy . I did not use all my Flex Points this week . That wasn 't deliberate . I planned out my meals and I knew I had room if I felt like I needed something extra , but I wasn 't hungry . Whether that made a difference , I don 't know . We 'll have to wait and see what next week brings . It 's weighing on my mind . It 's always there , hovering . Will I see a loss at this week 's weigh - in ? How long will this take ? What if I plateau again , and get discouraged again . How can I change up my diet , my workouts , to get results ? Anytime there is a social engagement coming up , I am preoccupied wondering : What can I wear that I won 't feel fat in ? I 'm so impatient . Realistically , I know it takes time , but I want the weight to be gone now ! I feel like I 'm wishing my life away , each week impatient for weigh - in day so I can advance the ticker , reduce the number of pounds left to lose , adjust my countdown . It 's like that Quaker commercial , where the women are walking around with a scale dragging from their ankle . It 's a burden I could do without . After 3 weeks of seeing the numbers on the scale steadily drop , this week those numbers are suddenly increasing again , even though I have been eating properly and working out . I know that ups and downs happen , even when you are doing the right things , but it does wear one down eventually . Daily DetailsI was tired last night , and by the time we finished supper and cleaned up it was getting late , so I did a short workout ( 30 mins on the treadmill and 35 push - ups for the challenge ) . Then I had a shower and went to bed . Didn 't eat anything extra . Drank all my water yesterday . Scale was up this morning . This is starting to get to me . . . up 3 days in a row , and today was a big increase . Grr ! At least the weather has finally warmed up a bit . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 9BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : yogurt w / strawberries & raspberriesSupper : Kickin ' Chicken ( ESBM recipe ) , rice , veggies Ok , it 's still silly - cold outside . It is supposed to warm up enough to snow . Then maybe get a little warmer so it can rain . Then it is supposed to get cold again . Ah , winter ! The best thing I can say about it is that it really makes me appreciate the other 3 seasons of the year . I am feeling like I 'm going in to hibernation mode a bit . There are friends that I would like to get in touch with , just to say hi , exchange news etc . It would be nice to get together with some folks for an evening of company . But I can 't seem to put in the effort . However , the days are starting to get longer and I know winter won 't last forever . Yesterday was an OK Weight Watcher - ing day . I have to confess that I did deviate from my planned meals / snacks , and I had a can of Coke and a handful of dark chocolate M & M 's . But it 's all counted and I still have Flex Points left , so it 's not a disaster . Exercise - wise I kicked butt . ( Do ya 'll mind if I say Kicked Ass ? Probably not . I think it 's my mother 's voice in my head , still telling me to watch my language after all these years ) . I did my Burn & Firm Pilates DVD with 4 lb weights ( 45 minutes ) , then I did some extra upper body work with heavier weights , plus 35 full push - ups , then 20 minutes walking on the treadmill ( I just can 't seem to stay away from the thing ) . Re : the push - ups - a poster on the weightwatchers . ca message board that I check in with every day issued a challenge to do 210 push - ups this week - that 's 30 a day . So I thought : why not ? I ended up doing 35 ( 15 + 10 + 10 ) which makes me feel kinda proud . Scale was up a bit again this morning , I 'm hoping it is just as a result of not enough water yesterday plus the strength training . P . S . - Thank - you so much to Erin at Our Wicked Weighs for choosing me as the Featured Loser for the week . I am truly honored that you would think of me . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 142 . 7 lbBF : Whole Wheat Raisin toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt w / strawberries & raspberries , 12 almondPosted by High of - 16 C here today , with wind chill in the - 30 's . Moon dropped me off in front of work , so I wasn 't outside for long , but it was long enough to feel how cold it was and to be glad I didn 't have to walk far . I feel like I did quite well this weekend . A couple of small treats , but overall I ate healthy meals & snacks in proper portions . Have leftovers for supper tonight , which makes for an easy day . Got in my workouts , so as long as I can get in 3 evening workouts between now and Friday , I 'm good . Toward the end of last week it was starting to get hard . I was feeling that urge to scrounge around the house , searching for chocolate ( not like it would really be too hard to find in my house ) . And yesterday while I was on the treadmill I was having popcorn cravings - for real popcorn , made in a pot on the stove , with melted butter and salt . But , for now I am hanging tough . Sometimes it feels like it 's all or nothing with me . I either stick to the program and ban treats , or I fall completely off the wagon . Sometimes I can manage to have small treats , but I find I have to watch it because it seems like the more I have the more I want . . . which leads to that whole falling off the wagon thing . It 's a delicate balance . So , while I did have a couple of small treats on the weekend , for the rest of the week I want to stick to my meal plans . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 142 . 5BF : WW Raisin toast w / PB , Coffee w / creamLunch : Chickpea curry w / brown riceSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Jerry Spring Rolls ( Crazy Plates recipe ) and Ma Po Tofu w / Jasmine Rice . I often don 't get around to posting on weekends , seems like I spend the weekends running around like a crazy person . I was going to have some fun and post some pictures , but for some reason things don 't seem to be working right . So , instead I will just say that my weekend has been going well . Got on the treadmill last night and then did some yoga . Today I did my Iron Yoga DVD , so hopefully all that yoga has washed away the stress from last week . Eating has also been good today , I 've actually tracked all my points . That 's it for today folks . Hope you all have a great weekend . Weigh In : 142 . 5 ( - 1 . 1 lb ) Week in ReviewSo I 'm up from yesterday 's weigh - in , but still down overall for the week . So that 's good . FoodLast weekend , again , not so good with the tracking . I seem to have a hard time with tracking points on the weekend - mainly because I can 't be bothered to take the time to sit down and do it , or to plan out meals . Like it takes such a long time . But , I 've been doing well during the week . I 'm not really feeling like I 'm doing Weight Watchers , truth be told . I am basically planning out my meals / snacks and sticking to them . I keep additional snack options in mind in case I might need them . I do enter it all into the tracker , but at this point it is more of a verification than anything . But I do think the points program is still helping me ; I think I need that upper limit . I enter in my planned meals , see that I 'm where I should be for the day and I know not to eat anything that is not on the plan . So far , so good . ExerciseAs I 've mentioned , I have switched to evening workouts for a while . I suspect that I will eventually go back to getting up early in the mornings , but I 'm feeling like I need a break from that right now . This seems to be resulting in a good news / bad news scenario . . . Good news : My exercise sessions have been longer because I don 't feel rushed like I do in the mornings . Bad news : Sometimes other things get in the way . But , if we 're gonna be realistic . . . it 's not like I 've never missed a workout because I decided to sleep in either . So , hopefully it will even out . For this week , I got in hour long sessions on Sunday , Monday , Tuesday . Wednesday night , my exercise was pre - empted by having to do some overtime work from home . Same thing happened last night . Not happy about it , but there it is . Plan for the coming weekBasically . . . Repeat last week , but hopefully without overtime to disrupt my exercise sessions . And more immediately , try to have meal plans in mind for the weekend and stick to them . OtherAnd finally , if you didn 't see my Fabulous FelinePosted by I just discovered recently that Ellen Barret , my favourite exercise DVD instructor of all time , has co - authored a book called Zodiaction . I was curious when I saw this title ; what could the signs of the Zodiac have to do with fitness ? I looked it up on amazon , and found that indeed is what it 's all about - how your astrological sign relates to your personal fitness program . Personally , I don 't believe in astrology or horoscopes . I think they can be fun , entertaining , but I 've never thought they really mean anything . So I was pretty much ready to dismiss this too . Then , as I continued to skim the description , I saw that one of the discussion points was : Why a Taurus will get good mileadge out of a treadmillI have to admit ; that peaked my interest . I am a Taurus , and here I 've been going on for the past week and a half about my love for the treadmill . I did belong to a gym for a few years , and I used other equipment ; I think I pretty much tried out all of the cardio options that were available at my gym . I always came back to the treadmill . For me , there is something therapeutic about walking . I love to walk outdoors , enjoy the fresh air and scenery . And the treadmill does it for me just as well . Even without a TV to watch , I can walk and let my thoughts wander . It 's great when I have something on my mind - walking really seems to help me sort through things . So now I am even more curious . What do Ellen Barrett and her co - author Barrie Dolnick have to say about me and my treadmill ? I 'm not sure that I want to buy the book , but I admit , I 'd like to know the answer to that question . Here 's the complete list in case you want to check out your sign : • The top - three foods Aries should stock up on • Why a Taurus will get good mileage out of a treadmill • Why Gemini should steer clear of candy • Why Cancer should stick to noncompetitive workout buddies • What makes Leo queen of the gym • What type of massage will send Virgo straight to heaven • How Libra can achieve inner peace • The peak hours for ScoPosted by This is not a new struggle for me , obviously . I keep at it for health reasons , but also - let 's be honest here - vanity plays a part . I don 't like how I look . I don 't like being chubby . So , I keep coming back to the struggle . Despite what I have just said , during this struggle I sometimes - often even - find myself thinking : but if I lose weight , my clothes won 't fit anymore and I like my clothes . How crazy is that ? Yeah , I like my clothes . . . but let 's face it , I like new clothes as well . I tend to buy new clothes every season ( in addition to liking clothes , I also like to shop ) . Eventually clothes wear out , go out of style , etc . So as much as I like these clothes , it 's not like I am going to wear them forever . I don 't know if that " but I like my clothes " refrain is an excuse not to try harder . Or something to console myself with because I feel I 'm going to fail anyway , but at least I can cheer myself with the fact that I have nice clothes to wear . Regardless , this stops now . Instead , I will remind myself : 1 . It will take time to lose weight , so I can enjoy wearing my beloved clothes until then . 2 . When I lose weight , it will be fun to shop for smaller sizes . So that 's it . No more shopping . I certainly don 't need new clothes - I have lots to wear . I will make full use of what I have , until such time as a ) they no longer fit me because I have become so slim , or b ) I have legitimately worn them out and I have nothing to wear . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143BF : toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / CreamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : ? ? Started out as quite a snowy day . Actually , the snow started yesterday in the afternoon and things were getting messy by the time we left work . There was a heavy snowfall warning overnight , and we did indeed get a pile of the white stuff dumped on us . Though certainly not the largest snow fall we 've had this winter . It was still snowing this morning , but by late morning the sun was out . Did my workout last night after supper . Would have preferred before supper , but Moon was starved and wanted to eat . So I ended up adding a post - workout snack to my day yesterday , but it was still a good day . Did 40 mins with weights and then 20 mins on the treadmill . Hopefully tonight will be another cardio session . Moved my ticker to the top of the page ; used to be at the bottom , but I thought it might be more motivational if it was at the top where I could actually see it . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 ( - 0 . 6 ) BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : Chicken Strips & Fries , raw veggiesPost - Workout snack : Multi - Grain Cheerios w / 2 % milk We now take a break from our regularly scheduled obsessing about weight loss to introduce the fabulous felines , Fred and George . JavaChick loves them to pieces , spoils them rotten and shares her dinner with them whenever they wish . Posted by The treadmill arrived on Saturday morning , and what a fun time the delivery guys had getting it into the basement . They just do not design houses with large - object delivery in mind . Which doesn 't make sense , as most people do at least have a couch . We had errands to run , shopping to do on Saturday so the treadmill had to wait until Sunday morning . It turned out to be fairly easy to put together ( though it 's a good thing I have lifted a weight or two in my workout history , as the base was pretty darn heavy and we had to lift it out of the box ) . The cats were quite enchanted with the giant box the treadmill came in , so they provided entertainment while we were assembling the thing . Moon and I both gave it a short spin , to try it out ( still trying to convince Moon that he needs to buy sneakers ) and then I had to get on with other things . But , it was in the back of my mind all day and I did hop on in the late afternoon / early evening and spent an hour on it . I put the TV on and I found the time went very fast ; I could have stayed on longer except it was getting late and I had to finish getting supper and so on . But for whatever reason , I do enjoy using a treadmill very much and hopefully it will get lots of use . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record : 143 . 2 ( - 0 . 4 ) BF : Toasted WW Raisin Bread ( made myself ) w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Sagrati 's Greek Fest WrapSnack : Yogurt & BerriesSupper : Thai One On ( Thai Shrimp Soup , ESBM ) & 1 egg rollPost workout snack : MultiGrain Cheerios w / 2 % milk Friday is weigh - in day , something I often look forward to with mixed feelings . Ever hopeful , often with a certain amount of dread . Today was ok : 143 . 6 ( - 0 . 9lb ) I will not lie , I had hoped to see the scale go down a bit more than that , but it is still a move in the right direction . Now would be a good time to evaluate the past week , so here goes : ~ last weekend was not so great ; some out of control munching going on there ~ Monday to Thursday I planned my meals and I followed my plans ~ exercise was definitely lacking this week . I think I am having a hard time getting back in to the morning exercise routine because , truthfully , I resent it . I am not a morning person . Waking up is hard . Waking up earlier is excruciating . But I have to accept that for now , this is my reality ; I just have to bite the bullet and do it . Goals for the coming week : ~ allow myself some treats on the weekend , but exercise a bit more control ~ keep on following those meal plans ~ get in more exercise sessionsTreadmill should arrive tomorrow , excited ! George the cat seems absolutely fine , so I guess whatever his problem was on Wednesday , it 's over now . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - BF : toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Chicken Pad Thai from Thai Hut . So , the plan yesterday was to go home after work and do a workout . I was able to do that Tuesday , no reason it shouldn 't work on Wednesday . Then , we ended up being an hour late leaving work . Got home to discover that one of the cats , George , had thrown up on the hallway floor twice . Noticed he was getting ready to do it again on the carpet in the spare room . Managed to grab him in time to move him to the hall , hardwood being easier to clean than carpet . Go in to the spare room to find that he has already thrown up twice on the carpet anyway . So I set about cleaning and scrubbing . Master bedroom was fine . Check basement and find another mess to clean up . Find another one in the living room by the unpleasant method of stepping in it . By the time all that was done , I barely had energy to make supper . Didn 't even clean up the kitchen after supper , so I have that to look forward to when I get home today . Thinking I 'd better make sure to get in a workout today , I set the alarm for early wake up time and went off to bed at my usual time of 10 : 15 PM . Normally , I fall asleep quite easily . Not last night . I tossed and turned . My legs were twitchy . My feet were itchy . I could feel something under my leg , digging in my knee . Kept trying to brush it away with my hand and finding nothing . Serious Princess and the Pea syndrome . I tossed and I turned some more . Needless to say , I did not make it out of bed to exercise this morning . George seems to be fine . I kept an eye on him last night and he was eating , drinking and behaving normally . Because I really do love my cats and I don 't want them to be sick . Yeah . So . It was just one of those days . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : : 143 . 7 lbsBF : Toast w / PB . Coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Beans & Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : PC Indian Butter Chicken sauce w / chicken , cauliflower , bell peppers . PC Garlic Naan This morning , I find myself asking : if not now , then when ? I 'm wearing a pair of pants this morning that are normally quite comfortable , if not a teensy bit loose . Today , I wouldn 't call them tight . . . but they are definitely snug . No room to grow there , that 's for sure . It has been normal for me to bounce up and down a bit - normally between 130 & 136 . . . but over the past year I have definitely gone beyond that . Can 't believe I have found myself at 145 lbs . So it 's time to do something before it gets any worse . It 's only going to get harder as time goes on . I certainly don 't want to gain more . The time is definitely now . Daily details . . . Count down to treadmill . . . 3 days ! Kind of excited . Weather is still warm ; 7 degrees on the way in to work this morning ! I only wore 2 layers of clothing to work today and I 'm actually comfortable . I know it won 't last , but for now I am loving it ! Knew it was bound to happen - scale bounced up a bit this morning , but I am still down from last Friday . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 2BF : Toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : ? ? ? Four days until treadmill is delivered ( Saturday ) . And the warming trend continues - the temperature is staying above 0 , the snow is melting . My deck furniture is finally snow free - this time I will get it inside before it gets buried in snow again . And I 'm still working on convincing Moon that he should get something to cover that brand new BBQ he was so happy to get last summer . Scale is still making me happy - 143 . 7 this morning . I know that the consistent decline in numbers is because I have gone from holiday eating to normal eating , and the rate of loss will slow down . But I don 't care ! For now it 's making me happy . Had an excellent day yesterday - adhered to my meal plan and avoided treats for a change . Treats are good . . . just not as many as I 've been having lately ! Couldn 't convince myself to get up to exercise this morning , but I did a workout as soon as I got home from work today . Just about to finish making supper and eat . So I am close to staying on plan for two days in a row . Imagine that . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 143 . 7BF : Toast w / PB , coffee w / creamLunch : Mexican White Bean & Brown Rice CasseroleSnack : Yogurt & berriesSupper : Spaghetti Bolognese Heh . I am liking this new scale with it 's teeny increments . Started out last week at 145 . 1 , then 144 . 5 , this morning 144 . 2 . Of course , it 's bound to bounce back up at some point - suppose I won 't be as tickled about it then ? We 'll see . Dragged my butt out of bed for a workout this morning . Just a half hour - decided to easy myself into it . Moon thinks I should switch to working out in the evening so I won 't be so tired from getting up early , but then I 'm afraid I will end up being lazy and not doing it . May move to a combo . Again , we 'll see . Trying a new recipe for supper tonight . It 's a weight watchers recipe and I have to admit that WW recipes I have tried in the past have not thrilled me . But this one looked like it should be tasty , and I should be able to spice it up if it seems too bland . That makes another " we 'll see " . I 'm on a roll today . The weather has been getting progressively warmer since the weekend . Love it , love it , love it ! We 're actually above 0 folks . Quite a difference from the - 20 / - 29 wind chill days last week . The snow is melting , making quite a mess . But I don 't care . It 's warm ! Ha . 4 degress is warm ? Well , after - 29 it is . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Daily Record - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Weight : 144 . 2BF : 1 slice WW toast w / PB . Coffee w / cream . Lunch : 6 almonds , leftover pad thai ( Crazy Plates recipe ) Snack : yogurt w / berries , cofee w / creamSupper : Chicken Tikka Masala w / Basmati Rice I 've been wanting a treadmill for a long time , but we kept putting it off . Always something else to spend money on . But this weekend , we finally did it . It will be delivered next Saturday . Then we just have to figure out how to put it together . Should be fun . Moon even said that he would probably use it . Okay , I 'll believe it when I see it , but I 'm hoping . We 'll have to buy him some sneakers first anyway . Other than that , not much going on this weekend . Cooking , cleaning , laundry . Some how I never seem to run out of that kind of stuff - I never finish . Gets frustrating . Back to work tomorrow , and actually have a full work week to look forward to . Ugh . In our freezing cold office . Ugh . I accept that I have to work for a living , but it would be nice if I could actually be comfortable at work . Is that so much to ask ? Eating has not been great this weekend . I know , I know . I just climb back on the wagon and already I 'm getting slack . This week I will do better . I seem to need a plan . I need a meal plan . I need lists of foods to eat and to avoid . I need strategies for coping . I need some method of tracking , some method of accountability . Basically , I need some direction . I have tried a few different things . A few years back I actually had some success with the old Weight Watchers plan - where you counted servings of different food groups . I was quite motivated at the time . I remember sitting on my end of the couch , resolutely ignoring the popcorn that my darling husband ( then boyfriend ) was munching on his end of the couch . I can picture myself now , almost physically leaning away from the smell of the popcorn . I used fitday for a long time . Then had brief flings with sparkpeople and calorie - count . They are all useful tools . For a while I was really tracking , paying attention to calories on exercise days vs . non - exercise days , using a formula that I found on Hussman Fitness ( an excellent no - nonsense resource by the way ) . All of those things worked for a while . But eventually I reached a breaking point . I would get frustrated and discouraged , tired of the whole thing . I felt like I didn 't even know what to eat any more or how much . More calories , less calories . High - intensity exercise , low intensity , intervals . More strength training , less strength training . Argh . It seems like it shouldn 't be so difficult . It should be common sense . I find that in the media it is often made to sound easy - eat less , exercise more and the pounds will come off . Yet I would feel like I was working my butt off , and getting nowhere . I still don 't have an answer . I know the theory of eat less , move more should work . But it seems like I must be missing something , because my efforts have not translated into results . Now , obviously I haven 't been making much of an effort over the past month or so . Particularly in the past 2 weeks , the weight loss attempts fell by the way - side . But I am back , picking it up to try again . What will make it different this time ? What will be the winning strategy ? I am going tPosted by And Happy 6th Wedding Anniversary to me and my darling hubby ! Our anniversary is on New Year 's Eve , and we had a lovely evening . We had a lovely holiday all around , but now it is back to work and back to Weight Watcher - ing . . . 5 pounds heavier than when I started out in September ! Not good , but I feel motivated to stop the insanity . I have to say - I did not feel ready to go back to work today , but I do feel ready to start eating healthy again . I can only stand so much indulgence . I 'm really hoping I can get Moon on board as well , but we shall see . And now , to provide some inspiration as I get going : Bad foods that are actually great for your waist ! I think there is a lot of common sense in that article , and some useful things to keep in mind . I also feel a little vindicated ! * I 'm not really a fan of red meat , but when we do have it , we always go for lean . Neither one of us enjoys chewing on fat , so steaks are always sirloin , and I always buy extra lean ground sirloin . * I never like the " diet " versions of ice cream or cheese ( with the exception of that Ben & Jerry 's chocolate brownie frozen yogurt ) . Actually , I 'm not that big a fan of ice cream ( again , except for Ben & Jerry 's ) . But I do like cheese , and I like my cheese to be full - fat , thank - you very much . Yogurt too . The low fat stuff always tasts like there is something missing . I 'd much rather have a small serving of the real thing . * If we 're having pizza , it 's usually made at home on whole wheat pita bread . Because it 's easy to do , less greasy , and when you load it with peppers , onions and olives , and a good tomato sauce , it is very yummy . So . . . this is my strategy for weight loss , and what I would like to adopt as my eating plan for life - eat real food that is healthy and tasty , in the correct portions . That almost sounds easy . . . It 's a healthy living blog . No ! Wait ! It 's a garden blog . . . Aw , who am I kidding ? It 's all about the cats !

I was interviewed by Kelly Porter of Porterhouse Designs and ColorSizzle blog . Kelly is an interior designer / color consultant in the D . C . area and had helped me with my new kitchen . Read the story from " Living Style : The New Traditional " , by Kelly Porter . She wrote me in early May to say she was working on a story for STIR , the Sherwin Williams on - line magazine . She wrote : " I 'm writing about how homeowners are converting formal spaces into more casual ones . Didn 't you turn your dining room into a home office ? " She then emailed me some very specific questions , such as " What was our thought process behind this conversion " . . . oh , yes , we did indeed turn our dining room , in our newly purchased house , into a study for my husband . In case you missed it , you can read the details here and here . These gems are blooming everywhere down here and they are so different from the magnolias up North . I pass so many of them each morning on my walks ( when I am without a camera ! ) , so went back yesterday to take these pictures . I didn 't get any good shots of the leaves , but I love them too . . . huge , brown on the underside and then that wonderful shiny green on top . I would love to plant one of the trees in our garden but , alas , they get too big for our space . I will have to be content with viewing them on my walks ! I thought I would end the week with some pretty pink flowers . It 's been gray and rainy over a lot of the country . . . and we 're all so ready for sunshine . The flowers , of course , are just loving this rain . But then again , they just might like to see the sun too ! These are just some of the flowers in my garden this week : Rugs and lights : two essentials . This was a lo . . . . ng wait . We ordered these two runners through Joss & Main , and then we waited , and waited , and waited . They were held up in customs we were told . But finally , they arrived and I love them ! They 're made from recycled plastic and are totally washable . An added benefit is that they sort of stick to the floor : no slipping at all ! And they 're comfy on the feet : like nice , thick padding . Here is the company website , although I couldn 't find any retailers in the States ( and no , the sale at Joss & Main is long over ) . I really LOVED those Stacy Garcia lamp shades . I mean love , love , love . Well , you just never know do you ? They arrived and no , they just were not right . The search was on , and this is what we ordered from Destination Lighting . They are oh so PERFECT , and you can 't beat the price ! Just wonderful . Subtle , soft , contemporary and go so well with the colors ( that story is coming next week ! ) . Happiness is . . . . making the right choice ! They are SO big . Do you fill them with dirt ? Oh so heavy . . Do you use plastic peanuts in the bottom ? They get very soggy . . . Do you put a plastic pot inside the terra cotta or ceramic planter ? Not a great look . . . Problem solved . Go on over to Ups - a - Daisy . Mine arrived today , Wednesday after placing my order on Sunday . No extra charge , just fast service ! You might also find them at your local garden center ; I wasn 't able to so ordered on line . It 's an insert . It sits about half way down the pot ( measure carefully ) . . . meaning that you then only need to fill the top half ( about ) of your pot . Problem solved ! Next up : we have Corian counter tops with the one - piece , molded sinks . It 's something I 've wanted for years : no seams , no metal pieces , clean looking etc . Only problem is that , for some reason , glasses break very easily ! We never had this issue with stainless steel . In addition , the sink slants , every so slightly , toward the center so any glass , especially a wine glass , falls right over on its side . Enter this handy helper : This was just 30 miles south of us . We have a friend who lives down there who 's house was damaged , but not badly . . . unlike his neighbor who 's house was flattened . And , we happened to be up in Raleigh that afternoon ; that was where one entire neighborhood was destroyed . We only saw a bit of rain and yes , some fairly severe wind ( actually I wondered if my car was going to be blown off the highway . . . ) . But it never seemed THAT bad to us , and we didn 't have the radio on . So anyway . Thank you for your concern . Oh , but wait . . . . . I don 't have any blue on my terrace , or anywhere ! Too bad it doesn 't come in red or orange . Here 's the umbrella : Milk and Cookies is a shop on Etsy ( you DO know Etsy , right ? ) So . . . . I 've been looking around for just the right throw pillows to put on our twin mahogany beds in the guest room . Here 's the package : They are perfect ! All linen with an envelope back . The bed covers are actually duvet covers , from Pottery Barn . I 've stopped putting the duvet inside any cover : I like the look of a real " bed spread " with the duvet at the foot of the bed . What do you think ? Yes ? But it was tricky finding just the right print to go with the busy , multi - colored spreads / covers . And now , I am on the hunt for fabric for curtains . Here 's one I picked up the other day : From plain vanilla white to Ben Moore " Palladian Blue " . We had first used this blue in our bedroom up north . . . I 'm NOT a big " blue " fan , but it worked beautifully there in a north facing room with limited light . Here the windows face both south and west . . . so no problem with light ! And I love the combination of a grayed blue with red ; thus the hunt for some sort of red curtains . Nothing heavy in weight : I want a loose , breezy sort of look ; and I think just one panel to pull back to one side . However you say it , a front door is important ! Actually , today we 're talking storm doors . and this one just was not cutting it . . . Faux textured plastic , a scrungy handle that had seen many better days , and a tacky doorbell . Something had to be done about this . Here you can also see the reflection from the film we had installed on the glass . This door faces West . The wood door and it 's handle , just behind here , get SO hot in the afternoon sun that you almost cannot touch them . The film has made SUCH a difference . . . and , we are assured , will make a huge difference in the interior temperture come summer . Well , the tacky doorbell is still there . . . I 'm looking , I 'm looking . Who knew ? There are wired and wireless , there are bells , chimes and buzzers . There are simple , tasteful , and there are t a c k y , y u c k y doorbells . Here 's your basic . Not bad . . . not great . moving right along . . . another fairly basic : this is ok : Now THIS is pretty cool . But at $ 50 , compared to the average above of $ 10 , a little pricey . But worth it . And , of course , behind all storm doors is the REAL door to the house . In this case it is black . But it is ready and waiting for a new , wonderfully colorful , second life . as seen from the front hall : Susan of Between Naps on the Porch has a very good post on painted front doors over on Houzz , called " Your Entry : Mad About Red " . If you don 't know this site , take a look ! It 's full of great images and information on almost anything to do with home design . This is one of the new items I bought " Micro Tip Blades " . Fabulous ! I was so tired of using the bulky pruning scissors , and always having to search for them to bring inside when I was arranging flowers ! What do you have ? Do you keep a separate pair inside ? These are perfect . Small , precise , easy to store . They even come with that little orange , plastic cover for the tips . it had very plain white : walls , woodwork , cabinets , knobs , faucet . The parquet floors are throughout the downstairs : not my favorite , but I can live with them ( for a while . . . ) ! But the REAL question was color . We have several different design " areas " going on here : the walls , of course , the wall just above the counters ( aka backsplash ) , the gray corian counter tops , the butcher block island top , and . . . don 't forget : We thought we would paint the back splash area , and one of my first testers was that wonderful " Mysterious " from Benjamin Moore that we had used , so successfully , in the lavatory . And yes , I will give you another post about that wonderful little room and some more great details in there . Maybe next week ? Needless to say , the Mysterious didn 't work so well in the kitchen ! Yellow ? Gray ? The debate went on for weeks months . When I couldn 't stand it any longer ( or , truthfully , husband couldn 't stand it any longer . . . . ) I looked for advice . Off I went ( virtually ) to Kelly at Porterhouse Designs . Kelly is in the Washington , D . C . area so I had thought she might be able to actually come down and take a look at my house & kitchen . Well , we ended up working solely on line , from videos I had made of the space , from more pictures , from endless reference ideas I would send to her and several phone meetings . And this is a part of the design board she came up with : I 'm SO glad we decided to do that entire area with tile . What a difference . We even took out the woodwork just below the window frame to make room for one row of tiles . Perfect ! They are exactly what I wanted . What is it about tiles ? I 've never had them in a kitchen before ; but what a difference . They finish it off ? They make it look like a kitchen ? They add a warmth ? I 'm not sure , but I know we made the right decision . My newly discovered Hellebores . They were buried under so many huge , old leaves that you couldn 't see any flowers at all . The garden had not been tended in at least five years and yes , I am loving getting my hands on this ! I 've never really paid that much attention to the lighting in our house ( s ) . Either it worked or it didn 't . . . Floor lamps , table lamps , the occasional sconce , some rather basic track lighting , those awful lights that come with overhead fans , small nothing lights that are stuck to the ceiling and collect dead flies inside . You get the idea . By the time they finished the installation , it was late afternoon and the sun was streaming in those high western - facing windows . The walls are actually that pale gray color , but they sure took on a yellow cast here ! love . love . love . That blank wall there was just crying out for a ' bulletin board ' , ' memo board ' , ' white board ' , ' inspiration board ' . Whatever you call it , I wanted some way to tack up my inspiration pictures , memos , notes etc . In my old studio I had had a huge board made from homasote . I had painted it white and then made a 1 " frame all around it . So , of course , I looked for homasote . No one at the big box stores had ever heard of it . . . seems I would have to order huge sheets of it from a small store and no , they would not cut it for me . Hmmm . The hunt began . And here you have the result : ceiling tiles ! They were a perfect size : 24 " square . I like squares . They were a little crumbly . . . hmmm . To keep them totally intact I spray painted the backs in white . I 've had my eye on the spray paints from Maine Cottage . They don 't make many colors : but the ones they carry are wonderful and clean and contemporary . I chose " Zinnia " and went to town spraying : The final board ( s ) : The board has a flat border / edge of half an inch . I could leave it plain . . . no ! What a boring end to this story . . . Embellish ! Of course . Being a good blogger and aspiring DIY ' er , that was the solution ! Off to JoAnn 's to look for ribbon . And here it is : Do you know these " Command " products ? Fabulous ! ! They 're sticky on both sides and REALLY hold . But they also come off the wall easily and leave both surfaces totally clean . They are a great invention ! I used four for each board and , believe me , they are solid and secure . Pruned this hydrangea ! It was very overgrown . . we inherited it with the house and I don 't think it had been touched in at least five years . Poor thing . She has been running a series , named " Paint " , this week , asking six different designers various questions about their use of paint in interiors . They have been very interesting questions and the answers are great to read for their variety . So , do go and take a look and I know you will learn something ! It 's been great for me as just this week I 've been looking at neutrals for our master bathroom . I have testers on the walls , but nothing seems right . Enter PK with her question : " What are three of your favorite neutrals ? " . How perfect is that ? You DO know about these color sheets , don 't you ? Here 's the link . It 's a wonderfully efficient way to see a good size color swatch on your wall : you don 't have to buy dozens of sample pints and you don 't have to prime over your color swatches ! I 've done several posts the past few months on our new house and the interior paint challenges I 've been dealing with . . . So I thought I would review those here . Some of you will recognize parts of this , and for others it will all be new . This is certainly not finished yet , but here 's the lav in BM " Mysterious " . It 's spectacular ! I 'll do another post on this room next week to show you the details ! And now comes the biggest challenge of all : the kitchen . We have been round and round and round on this one . My latest idea is to paint the ceiling " Jasper Yellow " . On the left is what you see on a monitor , coming from the Ben Moore color swatch . It is not even close . I played around in Photoshop , trying to match my fan deck color , and on the right is about as close as i can come : You will surely be seeing more of my kitchen and all the ideas I 'm playing with . You remember my post of last week about lighting ? I had never really focused on lights or lighting ; in our old house they just . . . existed . No big deal . Nothing very creative going on there ! But here , wow ! it 's fun to see the possibilities . We " inherited " a wonderful Persian Oriental rug from my sister - in - law . It was the perfect size for this room , but minus the intrusion of the bookcases . So : simple solution : raise the shelves ! It works beautifully . Not a great shot here , but take one last look at those horrendous sconces ; they are soon to be replaced . And , we got some really FABULOUS lighting for this front hall . It won 't be up for several weeks , but just wait til you see it ! It will be eye - catching ! ! Late winter afternoon , looking west from the stairs : I 'm signing off for the week . I 'll be in Atlanta for Market week , meeting with artists and customers , and seeing lots of new things . Have a nice weekend everyone ! I know , I 've taken my time in posting the changes in our new house . Trying to gather , organize , resize and post these pictures has been quite a job ! We closed on the house the first week of August and right away we began making changes . We weren 't living here , so construction was no problem for us . . . I came down every few weeks to check on things , and of course , to paint . You 've read some of my paint " challenges " and choices , and discussions , and narrowing down the palette , and the help I received from Kelly ! You can look back here and here and here . Outside of the HUGE issue of paint and colors , we also wanted to remake part of the main living area . As you walk in the front door , or look down from the stairs here , you see the wide open space of the living room and then dining room . They are were very open , with only a slight divider on each side , and the dining room is was totally open to the front hall area . One of our requirements for this new house was an office for my husband , and this space fit beautifully . . . except it needed to be enclosed . How to enclose without making it dark and tomb - like ( no window in the room ) ? French doors installed with another transom window above . This side gets brilliant afternoon sunlight as there are windows way up . . . and the ceilings here , in the front hall , are 19 feet so that sunlight really comes streaming in ! View from the living room . Window looks stark here , but it really works ! First , I won a giveaway over at Pink Pig Blog . Take a look at Debbie 's wonderful blog and store . I 've been following her for quite some time now : she 's located up in Westport , New York and carries a huge and varied line of products . This is what I won : These are from The Uptown Soap Company and are FABULOUS ! I adore the scent and will most certainly buy more when these are gone . And the bonus here is that their graphics and packaging are unusual , artistic and almost too nice to break open . . That was all fine . But the BIG news of last week is that . . . ta da . . . drum roll . . . . we are all moved ! Yes , the moving truck showed up one week ago on a raw , rainy , snowy day . Isn 't that everyone 's worst nightmare ? To have movers trekking through your house , wet feet everywhere , carrying your possessions out to the truck and packing them in there , still wet ? Here 's the inside of the enormous truck . We were about 30 % of the total load . It 's been 25 years since we have moved . . . so this was a BIG EVENT . And then , four days later , the truck and same driver arrived in North Carolina . Just our luck : the day was snowy , icy and rainy . Oh no ! Not again . . . The driver had trouble finding locals who would even venture out to do this job , but we ended up , in the afternoon , with the MOST superb group of men who were so efficient , helpful , amusing and just plain nice . And then , of course , the fun began as we unpacked how many . . . has to be about two hundred boxes . Then the question of what to do with all those ( flattened ) boxes and packing material . I put an ad on CraigsList , " free " , Saturday night at 11 PM and by Sunday morning had ten responses . So , all the boxes are gone and so is every last piece of newsprint paper and bubble wrap ! But the " Christmas came early " part happened as I unpacked the kitchen boxes . It just amazed me that my things , every last one , arrived safe and sound . As I plunged into yet another box and saw my favorite vase , or that old blue casserole dish , it was as though they were new and I was unwrapping a present ! " Oh yes , I remember you " or " Wow , my best serving platter " . even the infamous butter dish made the trip just fine : I painted the mantle and fireplace and I LOVE it . Gorgeous . It 's contemporary , not too serious , unusual and just plain good looking . I couldn 't be happier . Here 's an image from Decor Pad that shows Pale Oak . I looked all over the internet to show you : but the BM paint chips all look too beige on my screen . This image shows the color the best . . . You 're kidding , right ? It 's almost Christmas ? Well , you would never know it by looking at my garden in our new house ! For those of you who live down South , or in warmer climates . . . no big deal . But for those of us who come from anywhere North , this is a real treat ! Narcissus ? Not sure . On the left here is the newly scrubbed fence , and on the right what is left after three years of neglect . Again , you can see the cleaned fence over to the left : I 'm linking up today with Susan at A Southern Daydreamer : Every other blog has lots to say about Christmas decorating . Well , all my ornaments and decorations , and even my wrapping paper and ribbon , are all packed away . Hope you enjoy this bit of springtime in almost - December . and this is why : We 're headed down for a week in our new house . We move for good in just three short weeks . Between organizing , packing , constant telephone calls , setting up new bank accounts , both personal and business , hauling things into the car to go for giveaway , waiting for the junk man to arrive with his truck , taking our ' hazmats ' to the county recycle center . . . well , you get the idea . I won 't be doing much blogging for the next few weeks . I 'll try to give you some updates on the house : maybe a picture of us up on ladders , painting who - knows - which - room . . . or Thanksgiving dinner out on our terrace ! That 's it for now . Moving on to the attic tomorrow , so who knows what treasures await ! Nov 8 , 2010 9 : 19 : 39 PM THE DETAILS OF PACKING UP AND MOVING It was " dining room " day : Packing up a house - - getting ready to move all your belongings - - is a wonderful time to really look over what you have . No , not with the intent to throw out or give away . . . . but just to take a moment and SEE what you have . It was an opportunity I didn 't want to miss ! Yesterday morning was " do the dining room " time . One sideboard with four drawers , a table with one drawer , and a tall breakfront . Now , the movers will be packing all our kitchen and dishes , so I did leave the china in the breakfront for them . . but still , there were linens , antique silver etc . The day was bright and sunny , and our dining room has a beautiful bay window facing East ( which was one of the top reasons we bought the house in the first place ) so the light was perfect for taking some pictures . Today was " basement " day . Nothing . . . believe me . . . nothing noteworthy to show you ! But it 's finished . What to do with all the terra cotta pots ? Mine are fairly large . We 've emptied them , cleaned them and now what ? I 'm thinking a piece of newspaper in between the pots , then stack them . They can 't go in a box : do the movers wrap them and that 's it ? Not sure . And tomorrow , check back to see some glassware ! I love talking color ! And so , it was the high point of my week and of my visit to San Francisco to sit and talk about all our new house colors with Kelly of ArteStyling . If you will remember , I had asked Kelly , as a fellow blogger , a virtual friend , and an expert on color , if she would be willing to help me with the colors in our new house . Now , I do , of course , know something about color . . . . but this house has so many tall , interconnected , light filled , related spaces that I was having trouble ! I 'm used to 100 + year old houses with well defined rooms and spaces . To now have cathedral ceilings , stairs with space that soars to the roof , transom windows above the already long windows , light from both the east and west in the main areas , an open floor plan . . . . . well , it was just a lot to take on ! We had been back and forth about all the possibilities . She had me send pictures of my present house and what I would be taking , and using , in the new house . Did I want the same color story again ? No . What were some adjectives I would use to describe my new place ? What words to describe each room and the feeling I was trying to achieve ? Did I want to paint the cathedral ceilings to bring them down ? Even before we started our talks I had my eye on gray . And yellow . And deep rusty red to punch it up . I 'm not a blue person . Maybe some green somewhere . amulet fog mist It 's difficult to read , and more difficult to get the color in a photo , but this is " Mysterious " . The walls were super smooth : we had removed all the hardware and had the walls professionally taped and sanded . I used a semi - gloss in the Benjamin Moore Aura . Have I told you just how MUCH I adore the Aura paint ? What a difference . So smooth ; perfect , really perfect coverage ; cutting in at the ceiling is so easy ; almost no odor . I can 't recommend it highly enough . I am open to any and all suggestions for this " skirt " . It 's wooden with that panel around the center . I could stencil it . I could cover the panel in a fun paper . I could make a fabric skirt to the floor . But no , I can 't remove it ! Anyone want to help me here ? My husband was in dire need of a new dresser . We don 't need anything too tall or wide , as the closet is really a dressing room at 7 ' x 14 ' . Now , that is the subject of an entire post : what to do with the dressing room . . . . I 'll save that for later . btw Kelly : that half sandwich I took home was my entire lunch on the plane the next day ! No food at all : not even for sale . Thanks goodness I had it ! Oh so cute . There he was , on the terrace , right outside the kitchen of our new house . My daughter opened the door , s . . l . . . o . . . w . . . l . . . y , and started snapping pictures as she went . We think she got to within three feet of this cutie . I look forward to his return ! It 's also one of the Pottery Barn Fall 2010 colors . Love it , love it ! I tested , I started to paint . Ah no . . . one coat will not do , so now I 'm about to begin the second coat . It 's called " Vintage Sterling " . This picture makes it look so dark , but it 's actually a grayed silver . does that make sense ? Well , it 's beautiful . I think the combination is stunning . I have an upholstered armchair that I will recover . I 'm thinking of adding a bit of red to the room , via the chair and maybe window trim of some sort . . . I had told you all , many weeks ago , that I would be working with a designer / blogger friend in exploring the color possibilities for our new house . I really didn 't mean to make you wait this long . . . our trip , and life in general , sort of interrupted the train of thought / flow of information etc . on this project ! I am working with . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! ! ! ! . . . . . Kelly has very graciously and kindly agreed to work with me on this project and help with the color work involved . Yes , I DO work with color , and , as you have seen in my present house up North , I 've done a pretty good job ! But , this new house is so different . The light is different , the layout , the space , the contours , the openness of the rooms , the flow ; even the age of the house makes it so very different : seventeen years young versus ninety years old . Here , every step we take is heard througout the house : all the floors creak , none of the doors shut really tightly . It 's quirky , you might say . Well , the new house is just the opposite : silent floors , doors that glide shut quietly , cabinets that click shut easily and , in fact , kitchen drawers that look almost new and without tiny traces of many layers of contac paper ! Kelly lives in California ; I am on the East Coast . So yes , this is a challenge . I am going out there in a few weeks so we will actually have a chance to sit and work together : I look forward to that ! In the meantime , I have sent her many pictures and I made two videos of different areas of the house . But for this blog I am going to focus on specific areas , either as we work on them , or just because I want to show you ! I know , you can see the little bleeps in the surface of the wall . Well , it 's almost 100 years old , for goodness sake ! But isn 't that the cutest , most antiquated sink ? The provencal skirt is missing here : sorry ! Wish I had a picture of this room as it was when we moved in : the floor ( beautiful hardwood ) was covered in small purple and lavender ceramic tile and the walls were purple . Yikes ! So , I was all set to paint it the same dark , glossy green . And then . . . well . . . after Kelly included some blue in her color palette for me ( not knowing I am not a fan of blue . . . ) , I began thinking . Then I went to the Benjamin Moore paint section at my very nearby Ace Hardware and began looking at dark , very dark blues . It 's hard to tell here and in fact , it looks almost black . But it 's not . It 's spectacular with white woodwork . I 'm excited and energized now to really be changing up the colors . Maybe the green has outstayed its welcome ; and it just doesn 't seem as contemporary as the blue .

In January I posted a blog that this year I would seize the day , run faster , and push my own limits . I am happy to declare that I exceeded each of these resolutions in ways that I couldn 't have imagined when I wrote them . In a lengthy cocktail - filled brunch earlier this year with dear friends we proclaimed 2014 a year of celebration . In 2014 I ran faster than I ever have , I pushed my own limits , and I fell in love over and over again . Before writing this blog I started thinking that I hadn 't traveled very often this year . It turns out that isn 't true . I rang in 2014 in Los Angeles and visited Chicago , Louisville , Washington , DC ( four times ) , Buffalo , Montreal , Quebec City , West Virginia ( four times ) , Atlanta and Norfolk , VA throughout the year . I got to play a small part in some place based projects for work , and I fell in love repeatedly while doing it . I fell in love with Michigan cities like Marquette ( where I traveled three times this year ) , Holland , Midland and Kalamazoo . I fell in love in ways that were unexpected . I didn 't expect to have Marquette and Holland in particular capture my heart . They are small cities located on different great lakes ( Superior and Michigan respectively ) . Their downtowns are vibrant and walkable . Their community vision is infectious . Those cities have made me love Michigan ( and winter surprisingly ) in ways that I didn 't before this year . They reminded me that having a part , even a very small part , of seeing change in a community feeds my soul . I fell in love repeatedly this year , and it was amazing . I didn 't run nearly as much this year as the last few , but I had my fastest times ever . I had a goal of breaking my 26 minute PR in the 5k , and in May I shattered that by running a 23 : 55 5k . I did it again in November running 24 : 12 in the Harbor Lights 5k in Norfolk , Virginia . I resolved to run faster than 57 minutes in the 10k , and I shattered that PR running 53 : 26 in October in the Wicked 10k in Plymouth , Michigan . After more than 10 half marathons , I had never broken 2 hours . This year I did it twice running 1 : 58 : 59 in April in the Cocoa Classic Half Marathon and 1 : 58 : 12 in May in the Kalamazoo Half Marathon . These times weren 't just fast for me - they were blistering paces . They all led up to my first triathlon in June , and at 35 I felt the fittest I had in my entire adult life . July threw a curve ball when a routine abdominal surgery turned into a bowl obstruction requiring another surgery . I then developed a blood clot . I spent the better part of the month in the hospital and lost nearly 20 pounds . It was not how I planned to spend the summer , but it helped me refocus my attention on what 's important to me . Despite the chaos of being in the hospital , I felt oddly relaxed and peaceful . I was reminded to enjoy every chaotic minute of life . My husband and I moved to Downtown Lansing . Living Downtown is everything I thought it would be and more . It 's amazing to walk everywhere , and my heart is full . 2014 was indeed a year of celebration . My resolutions for last year were so great that I think I 'll copy them again this year . I 'll fall in love , run fast , and push my limits . After all isn 't that what makes life great ? Here 's to a fabulous 2015 my friends ! Posted by When I was a little girl I used to wake early before the rest of my family and just sit quietly in front of the Christmas tree . It is one of my favorite holiday memories , and every year I promise myself that I 'll slow down and recapture that magic . Every year I fail miserably . This year , however , is the year that has changed . This year , as I promised I would be , I am reflective and content . I haven 't been for a run in over a week , and we don 't have our next vacation planned ( things that generally drive me crazy ) , but I feel sated nonetheless . We moved into our new house in June , and it 's a gorgeous 1884 Victorian . I felt a large responsibility to decorate the house appropriately for the holidays , and I think we 've done it justice . In honor of my relaxed attitude this holiday season , I present you holiday decorations that I think have at least in some way contributed . Earlier this week I talked about some of my favorite running things , and it got me thinking about my favorite city things . The key to what makes all cities great is walkability . The foundation for a great community is being able to walk safely across the streets and on sidewalks and destinations to visit . Washington Square in Downtown Lansing is pretty walkable . It 's one lane in each direction , has lots of well marked crosswalks , and has angled parking . It could teach pretty much every other street in Downtown Lansing a valuable lesson . Many of the other one - way , five lane streets in our downtown are just absurd . Yes I 'm talking to you Grand Avenue , Capitol Avenue , Pine Street and Walnut Street . Santa would land his sleigh on Capitol Avenue at basically any point in the day and hand out toys . There 's not enough traffic to sustain that insanely wide street , and that needs to be changed . And please don 't even get me started on Michigan Avenue . You have this beautiful view of the Capitol Building as you drive from East Lansing to Lansing . It 's also two lanes in each direction , a turning lane and parking on both sides . It should be a boulevard leading up to the Capitol . I know the City is working on Michigan Avenue , and I 'm excited about its great potential . It 's a project that should be pushed sooner rather than later . The walkability of Michigan Avenue is critical to expanding downtown towards the eastern neighborhoods in Lansing . Traffic engineers will say these lanes are necessary for traffic safety and for public safety vehicles . Shenanigans . Those theories have been debunked in new urbanist texts across the board . What 's really detrimental to public safety are wide streets with speeding cars that pedestrians have to dodge to cross . As I think about cities that have great Christmas vibes , I realize it has everything to do with walkability . People crowd sidewalks in Chicago and New York to look at Christmas window displays . Even here in Michigan cities with dense , walkable downtowns like Holland and Ann Arbor have a great Christmas feel . The key is walkability . The longer we ignore obscenely wide streets like the 10 lanes of Michigan Avenue running through Detroit 's Corktown neighborhood , the longer it will take for those communities to be able to capitalize on being places that will grow economically and attract and retain talent . The places that I love the most - Portland ( Maine ) , Marquette ( Michigan ) , Boston , Chicago - all have one major thing in common : walkability . It 's time to think outside of our cars to how the streets feel to pedestrians . That , my friends , is a real economic argument . If you want people to come and enjoy your downtown , it has to be a walkable place . As I look for the next cities I want to visit and / or run , walkability is a key factor in why I 'll choose it . As an avid walking resident in Downtown Lansing , walkability has become my rallying cry . This Christmas all I want ( besides all of the running gear from my last blog ) is at least a willingness to tackle some of these wide streets in Michigan but particularly in my town . Traffic engineers are on the naughty list , so how about if we don 't reward them with perpetuating the wide street cycle ? Posted by Every year my husband tells me he doesn 't want to get me running gear for Christmas . He finds it annoying that it 's really all I want , and then he tries to be creative and buys me something else that I don 't really use . When he does this I think if he 'd just bought me running stuff like I wanted we wouldn 't have this issue . So to make it , ahem , easier for my husband , I 'm compiling a list of a few of my favorite ( running ) things . Compression leg sleeves are the best . I LOVE them . They are the perfect running accessory for most of the year when pants are really too hot , but shorts are really too cold . Also they look adorable . I have one pair of Zensah leg sleeves that are yellow , and they are fabulous . I 'm thinking I need at least one more pair . . . maybe two . Pink ? Purple ? Both ? Running tights are where it 's at . I live in Michigan , and it 's cold here a lot of the year . Running tights are very expensive , and that makes them the best gift . Right now our fabulous local running store , Playmakers , has an adorable pair of purple striped SmartWool tights . I love them , and I want them . Hey Santa ( Honey ? ) , are you writing this down ? Sweaty Bands headbands are the best thing to ever happen to a runner with short hair . I have five of them , and I wear them all . They 're pricey for a headband ( $ 15 each ) , but I love them so much . Sassy headbands are like high heels - one can never have too many . My favorite Sweaty Band is my silver sparkly one . There are so many adorable styles to choose from that I would love to have more . Sparkles are optional . Another winter must have here in Michigan are running hats . Last year my husband got me a great SmartWool running beanie , but I need more . When you run several days a week your hats get gross . You don 't want to wear the same one every day . Plus you need different hats for different running outfits . Obviously . Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year . I love buying gifts and decorating and drinking coffee out of my favorite Tiffany Christmas mugs . Those are my actual favorite Christmas things . The only thing that makes those activities better is following them with a run while wearing a cute outfit . ' Tis the season ! I have an extremely active imagination . It even transcends into the world of dreams . I have very vivid dreams and almost always remember them . Last week , for example , I dreamed that I was sitting in a group of friends ( maybe 6 or 7 of us ) , and Taylor Swift was with us . I dreamed that she was whining about how kids were mean to her , and I said , " So now are you just like ' What 's up , bitches ? I 'm Taylor Swift ! ' " And in my dream she started crying , said I was mean to her friends and ran away . Then I woke up with that wretched " Shake it Off " song in my head . It was a nightmare the rest of the day . Running is the best way to deal with my active imagination . You won 't believe the number of imaginary confrontations I 've had ( both work and personal ) while running . I 've come up with brilliant ideas and dismissed silly ones . Running is where my best thinking happens . I 've written legislative testimony and dozens of these blogs . I insist on running naked ( without technology ) so I can get lost in my own thoughts and daydreams . It 's my version of meditation . In Michigan legislative sessions are two years long . At the end of every two - year session the month of December is a crazy feeding frenzy of legislative " priorities " that haven 't been important enough to pass in the preceding two years . Lame duck is a political minefield of craziness where anything can and does happen . I honestly don 't know how people who don 't run make it through . these lame duck days my schedule looks like a game of Tetris . I have meetings on top of meetings , and nothing gets my full attention . It 's about triaging issues and somehow making sure everything is covered . Tempers run high during lame duck as contentious issues that have been buried for two years somehow make their way to the surface . Although my feet are generally killing me ( because only quitters wear flats ) , the only way to work through the frustration caused by lame duck is to abuse my feet a little more with a run . My imagination nearly keeps up with my schedule and inexhaustible energy during lame duck . Sometimes I wake up from some weird dream , mentally walk through some legislative testimony , and I somehow manage to get myself back to sleep . I think about all the things that need to be done in addition to work : Christmas shopping , cleaning , dogs to the groomer , trips to be planned . All of those things are worked through while I 'm running , and I can burn off some of my active imagination as well . Now if I could just get that damn Taylor Swift song out of my head . . . Posted by I 'd never done ( or heard of ) a turkey trot before I moved to Michigan . My first was in 2008 when I ran the Lansing Turkeyman Trot . I ran that race in 31 : 56 , nearly 8 minutes slower than I ran the Harbor Lights 5k a few weeks ago . It turns out I 've gotten a touch faster over the years . With a young Murphy after the 2008 Lansing Turkey Trot I ran the Detroit Turkey Trot a few years ago in 2011 . It was my first race post abdominal surgery . That race is almost unmanageably colossal . I 'm glad I ran it , but I 'm happy to never run it again . There were 20 , 000 people running the 5k and 10k . It was relatively organized , but it was really just too much . In 2012 and 2013 we ran the inaugural and the second annual Morgantown Running Turkey Trot . The one in 2012 was my husband 's first 5k , so that race has a special place in my heart . I was sad to not be doing it for the third consecutive year . We stayed in Michigan for Thanksgiving , so I decided to give the Lansing Turkeyman Trot another go . I love doing races that start downtown . My husband and I walked to the race from home . There were thousands of runners which made me realize how the race has grown since the last time I ran it . The start was extremely crowded . My husband and I just pushed into the crowd from the sidewalk and jumped into the race . I was running with my husband and knew I wasn 't pushing for a PR . If I had been attempting to run fast I would have been really frustrated with the crowds . But I forced myself to relax and enjoy the race . The course ran through downtown Lansing which is beautifully decorated for the Christmas holiday . On Washington Square Christmas music was piping from speakers . I found myself smiling throughout the race just enjoying the crowd in my downtown . After the race we walked back home . I love having so many people downtown enjoying what is always the most fun race of the year . We then headed to my mother - in - law 's house for dinner . I felt like I could eat a few more carbs because I 'd run a 5k that morning . Running a turkey trot has become as much a Thanksgiving tradition as green bean casserole . It 's one of my favorite races of the year , and it is a great reminder of how grateful I am for running . All smiles when it 's over It 's easy to take the good life for granted . Life gets stressful and busy . Things that should be wonderful - Christmas shopping , decorating for the holidays , baking , spending time with friends and family - start to feel like a chore . The to do list is so long that these blessings start to feel like burdens . There 's been a lot of unwelcome drama in my life in the last few years , and it 's been easy to ignore the blessings . But sometimes that drama is what makes you appreciate what you have . This summer my world was rocked as I spent several weeks in the hospital . When I was informed I had a blood clot , I had a moment where I wondered if this was it . Maybe this was how I was going to go out , and that wasn 't acceptable . I 've spent a lot of time the last few years lamenting the things that went poorly instead of being thankful for the things that have gone well . The news of that blood clot made me realize I had to reassess how I was looking at my life . There are so many cheesy sayings about thankfulness that I could throw in here , and at this very moment I believe every one of them . This morning I looked into the now white face of my 8 - year - old Golden Retriever and got tears in my eyes . Even as I am typing this I tear up just thinking about how much I love my pups . It doesn 't matter that Izzy went to the bathroom in the house last night . One look at those big soulful eyes , and I 'm over it . I will work to not lose my patience with them and appreciate the joy they bring into our lives . Every woman gets annoyed with her husband , and I 'm certainly no exception . But I 'm pretty lucky to have mine . He 's my biggest cheerleader , my staunchest supporter and my absolute best friend . I think it 's annoying when people say that about their significant other , but it 's really true . When I 'm at my worst , he 's at his strongest . I don 't know what I 'd do without him . There are so many blessings - family , friends , work , a new home we love . This holiday season I will forget the stressful and busy . I will appreciate every single moment . I 'll force myself to stop and be present . I won 't just cross another thing off the list and move mindlessly to the next task . Guillaume Apollinaire said : " Now and then it 's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy . " This holiday season I wish that for all of us . From our Christmas card photo shoot . Our little family makes my heart happy . When I moved to Norfolk , Virginia in 2003 , the mermaids were relatively new . In 1999 the idea was introduced to have " Mermaids on Parade " with mermaids being displayed throughout the community . Around the time I moved there was also a campaign to bring people back to live in the City . You could pick up signs that said " Welcome Home to Norfolk " in businesses across town . I have one in my office at work to this day to inspire me by the vision of leaders in that community . Working for the City of Norfolk is what piqued my love of cities , and it will always have a special place in my heart . My brother and sister still live in Norfolk , and I went down for the weekend to visit . I also registered for the inaugural Harbor Lights 5k , so I was looking forward to running the fun downtown course . I was actually registered for the " Get Lit " challenge to run the 5k and then the half marathon the following day , but some health issues put the kibosh on that idea . I arrived Thursday night , and on Friday I headed to visit my old city stomping grounds at City Hall . Going to Norfolk City Hall feels like a time warp . Everything is the same , yet everything is completely different . I have a number of former co - workers who still work there , and I had fun surprising them . We chatted for a while , and then I had a meeting with the mayor , my former boss . After we caught up we talked a lot about the many projects happening in the city from light rail to new anchor institution buildings like the courthouse and downtown library . The list of large projects either in progress or on deck was staggering . Norfolk inspired my love for cities , and it continues to inspire me to this day . It makes me realize that getting things done in communities requires vision . If you have a visionary who is willing to think big and brush off the naysayers , you can really accomplish a lot . Downtown Norfolk is a prime example . Friday evening was dinner at No Frill Grill , my absolute favorite restaurant in Norfolk . I always love it there , and it 's a must when I 'm in town . The tuna melt never disappoints , and it has earned its good Yelp reviews . While we waited for a table we were chatting with some people who had just returned from a deployment in Afghanistan . They had never been to No Frill , and I was extolling its virtue . They mentioned that it had great Yelp reviews . I laughed thinking that we 've been loving No Frill long before Yelp was a thing . On Saturday morning I was downtown early for the Harbor Lights 5k . It was chillier than I thought it would be - around 28 degrees - and I was not dressed appropriately for the weather . It 's ironic given that I live in Michigan , and I have tons of cold weather running gear . It was a sunny morning , however , and I loved being in Town Point Park 2700 of my closest friends . The course was awesome . It ran all around downtown and highlighted some of my favorite spots . It was awesome running right by the gorgeous USS Wisconsin and along the river at the finish . The only downside is that I did not see any mile markers , so I felt a little disoriented . I know the area well enough to have an idea of how far I 'd gone , but that was a challenge . I had a fantastic race . I took 2 minutes off my 5k PR earlier this summer , and I ran almost that fast again . I ran 24 : 13 , my second fastest 5k ever . At the end of the race when I was struggling I just kept thinking it 's only been 4 months since I was in the hospital . Now I 'm running sub - 8 minute miles , which for me is extremely fast . My sister , brother and niece met me after the race , and we had breakfast at D ' egg Diner downtown . I spent the afternoon shopping with my sister and niece before we headed out to Ghent for my brother 's birthday . I lived in Ghent when I lived in Norfolk , and it 's my favorite neighborhood in the City . It 's a great mix of retail , restaurants , bars , and residential . It 's the perfect neighborhood . When I visualize the kind of neighborhood I want to live in , it 's always Ghent . With my niece after the race in the Selden Arcade Sunday was a lazy , relaxing day hanging out with my siblings and parents . I was sad to see the weekend come to an end . Being in Norfolk is always good for my soul and my city inspiration . I spent a lot of quality time with the fam and ran an incredible 5k . My heart was also filled by the ingenuity of everything happening in the City of Norfolk . I 've lived in Michigan for nearly a decade , but Norfolk occupies some valuable real estate in my cityphile heart . It always feels good to come home to Norfolk . One of Norfolk 's mermaids downtown For a lot of my impressionable young life I felt that I didn 't really get along with other girls . I had some girlfriends , but I also had a time in junior high where not a single girl in my class would talk to me . I remember going to class and all the other girls were sitting on the other side of the room talking about me loudly , to ensure I would definitely hear them . I came home crying every day for months . I remember being on the school bus and girls in my class passing me the nastiest , name - calling notes . I have those notes to this day somewhere in my basement . I 've kept them as a reminder that people can say terrible things to me , but I 'm stronger than whatever they 're dishing out . When I was a little girl my mother often called me " tenderhearted " . I seriously doubt anyone would call me that now , and those mean girl notes are part of the reason why . People don 't mess with the tough guy . The tenderhearted person gets nasty notes passed on the bus . As I got older and didn 't care as much , the meanness stopped . People only want to hurt people who appear to be vulnerable , and I wasn 't going to be that person . I hate the constant talk of " bullying " , and I think we really overuse that term . The bottom line is that kids can be really mean . It 's one thing if there 's physical violence , but it 's a fact of life that kids tease other kids . Sometimes it 's vicious . Sometimes it really hurts . I 've been on the receiving end , and I 've been the one dishing it out . How you handle it is a testament to who you are and what kind of adult you 're going to become . As I continue my journey to become a parent , I think a lot about being a mom . What kind of mom do I want to emulate ? I have a few friends who I think are incredible moms , and I want to strive to be like them . They aren 't perfect , but they are great examples . And of course there is my own mom who raised me to be a strong , confident woman with a great sense of who I am . When I came home every day crying when other girls were mean to me , my mom constantly reminded me that I was smart , I was funny , I was strong . It wasn 't about me , she 'd tell me . These girls needed to be mean to someone else to feel better about themselves . If they weren 't mean to me , they 'd be mean to someone else . In retrospect I 'm glad I was their target . I was strong enough to handle it , and I had a mom who instilled in me a sense of confidence and self worth that has made me the woman I am today . I hope that I can instill in my children that they can be strong , confident , smart and witty just like my mom did with me . I know there will be times when others will be nasty , and it 's how you handle those situations that says a lot about your character . I want my kids to see their mom as a woman who has a career she loves . I hope they 'll see me as as woman who pushes to be my best self even with health issues . I hope they 'll see the importance of commitment in my dedication to running . I hope they 'll know that there will always be people who are mean , but they will always have the same kind of support I had . It 's been nearly two decades , but that girl who cried every day is still a part of who I am . It may be deep inside , but there is a part of me that is vulnerable and tenderhearted . There aren 't a lot of people who get to see it , but it 's there . I hope to teach my kids the tipping point between vulnerable and tough guy . I 'm also hoping to still figure it out for myself . Last weekend marked by 4th trip to Washington , DC this year , which is actually down from the last few years . It 's one of my favorite cities , and I 'm always looking for a reason to go there . We go to DC so often that we have a weird ritual of things we do that are not at all touristy . As a matter of fact when I travel I generally try to be the anti - tourist . I want to see cities like a local , especially if it 's somewhere I 've been repeatedly . We always stay on Courthouse Road in Arlington . There are two hotels across the street from one another : a Hilton Garden and a Clarion . We stay at one or the other depending on who has the best rates . Last weekend the Clarion won , and we had the largest hotel room I 've ever stayed in for $ 87 a night . We had 1 ½ baths , a separate bedroom , a full kitchen . I 'm not sure how we ended up with this room , but it was ginormous . It 's a few blocks walk to the Metro , and it 's not at all a tourist area . There 's a great little farmer 's market between the hotel and the Metro on the weekend . It feels like we 're part of the neighborhood when we stay there . We always end up at Ragtime located right on Courthouse Road in Arlington . Ragtime is the DC area 's West Virginia fan gathering spot , and I discovered it by accident about a decade ago . We arrived at our hotel around 10 : 30 on Friday evening , and I decided we should go to Ragtime for late night sliders and a few adult beverages . A trip to DC isn 't complete without a stop at Ragtime . We don 't make a plan . Every few years we do the touristy thing ( we did it with family back in the spring ) , but for the most part we amble around the Metro DC area doing anything except being tourists . It may be shopping in Dupont Circle or dinner in Adams Morgan . It may include taco trucks and the little farmer 's market near our hotel . It could be shopping and eating at Clarendon . This trip was shopping and meeting friends for lunch in Old Town Alexandria . Whatever our destination it 's rarely the National Mall . I 've been to DC dozens of times in my life , and I 've never been to the U . S . Capitol . I have , however , been to every Pacers running store in the Metro area . Priorities . I always run in DC , and I usually run outside . The Courthouse neighborhood is very hilly , and it makes for interesting ( and often less than productive ) running experiences . I needed to get in a solid 8 - mile run before my races this upcoming weekend , so I opted for the hotel treadmill . As much as I hate the treadmill , I knew it would be the most effective way to get in a solid long run . I had the hotel gym to myself and rocked out the run aggressively , with negative splits . It was a whirlwind less than 48 hour trip to our nation 's capitol . The closest I came to a monument was looking out the window of the Metro as we headed to the airport . One of the things I love most about living in Michigan is the cost of living is low enough that we can head to DC relatively frequently . This weekend I head to another of my favorite cities , Norfolk , VA , to visit my family and run a few races . So many races and towns . . . there 's not time to be a tourist . Ready for this weekend 's races ! For a brief period of time when I was little I wanted to be a veterinarian . I love animals , and I loved the idea of working with animals all the time . Then I found out that vets have to put animals down , and the idea lost its luster . Then for the bulk of my life I wanted to be a journalist . I remember writing extensive stories in second and third grade . I would fill journals and notebooks with the things I would write - stories , poetry , anything . I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life writing , and journalism seemed like the best path for me . I told my junior high gym teacher that I wanted to be on SportsCenter . This was back when women were not on SportsCenter . Maybe Linda Cohn was . . . I don 't recall . I went to college as a broadcast journalism major . My first class at West Virginia University was an introductory journalism class . I took it with several hundred of my closest friends . I liked it well enough , but that same day I went to my first political science class . I was hooked . Most WVU freshman who have a polisci requirement take the huge classes who at that time were taught by the infamous Dr . Robert DiClerico and the Silver Fox Dr . Alan Hammock . I took my introductory political science class with a guy named Lyn Dotson . He works for the WVU Foundation ( is kind of a big deal there now 18 years after he was my teacher . ) His class changed my life . I fell in love with political science , and I wanted to do something ( anything ) with it . I decided to double major in broadcasting and political science . My first two years of college were an ambitious quagmire of classes , work and 6 am sessions at the gym . I carried 18 - 20 credit hours , worked at least 20 hours a week and maintained fabulous six - pack abs . Ultimately I decided that the broadcasting just wasn 't for me . I didn 't love it . This was back in the days before digital recording , and I hated sitting in a lab splicing together tape for stories I was working on . I no longer enjoyed one of my two majors , and I dropped to solely political science at the beginning of my junior year . I had no idea what I wanted to do with a polisci degree , but I knew I loved the subject matter . My senior year I was starring at acceptance letters from both grad school and law school wondering what on earth I should do . During an internship with the WV legislature my senior year , I worked with a legislator who was an attorney . He suggested that for the extra year law school was worth it , and I took his advice . I was off to law school with no intentions of ever practicing law . My law school experience was probably unlike a lot of other people 's . I had three surgeries my first year . I visited by third year at Baylor University in Waco , Texas , leaving my friends , family and familiar school behind . It was disjointed , and I made it through with average grades and an extreme distaste for personal injury law after a stint at a law firm in Texas my third year . I left Texas and went to Virginia where I lived with my sister and brother - in - law for a while . I answered a classified ad and applied for a job as Executive Assistant to the Mayor . I got the job . I did everything from writing speeches to attending meetings to working on the Mayor 's float for the Christmas parade . It was exhilarating and wonderful , and I fell in love with a city and with my boss ' vision for his hometown . I was dating a guy from Michigan , and it seemed like a fun ( ? ) idea to move here . I was offered and accepted a job working on local government policy in the Michigan House Republican Policy Office . I will never forget a few comments when I took the job . Norfolk 's vice mayor at the time incredulously asked me , " Wait - you 're a Republican ? " And the Mayor 's first words to me after I gave notice were : " You know it 's cold there , right ? " I arrived in Michigan on a 7 degree day in February , and my life changed forever . Two years later I began working at the Michigan Municipal League , and I 'm now leading the lobbying team . Working in the legislature is crazy and awesome and frustrating and exhausting . . . there is nothing quite like it . If I had told 8 - year - old me that one day I 'd be a lobbyist and love it , I don 't think that would 've gone over extremely well . As much as I love this job , I still don 't know what I want to be when I grow up . All I know is that I want to be involved with communities . I want to be a part of community projects . I want to see change happen . I get to see it now , and I can 't imagine not working with communities in some capacity . It turns out that answering that classified ad in Norfolk changed everything I thought I knew about what I wanted to do with my life . Last week I stumbled on this blog titled " 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose " . I love question number two : " What is true about you today that would make your 8 - year - old self cry ? " My answer is that I don 't write regularly , although this blog is a band - aid to that problem . I love writing , and it is good for my soul . Growing up in a small town my 8 - year - old self didn 't know I loved cities , and I didn 't know that I 'd love running . But writing was my jam . My childhood self would weep that I don 't do it often enough anymore . I 'm 36 years old , and I still don 't know what I want to be when I grow up . I know it involves cities and writing and being true to what I believe in . I incorporate much of that my current job , and I 'll continue to work on the things that feed my soul . We 're constantly evolving as people , and maybe one of these days I 'll figure out the answer to the question as part of my own evolution . Until then I 'll work hard at the things that would make my 8 - year - old self happy . Posted by I am effusive about my love for living downtown , and I continue to sing its praises . Walking downtown for dinner or brunch is fantastic . Walking my dogs around the Capitol is lovely . Walking to work is amazing . The one and only snag I 've found is a new running route . It 's been quite the challenge to find the right route . In our old neighborhood I had a perfect 3 mile running route . I ran along Moores River drive in Lansing 's fanciest neighborhood , and I always felt safe . I 'd run in the dark , in bad weather , almost always by myself . It was a great route , and I 've run it more times than I can count . I have also logged lots of miles on the Lansing River Trail , but always in daylight hours generally on Saturdays when I know it 's well populated . There are portions of the River Trail that seem unsafe , so I 've always been careful about it . I love our new neighborhood , and I don 't feel unsafe in any way . The safe pocket we live in , however , is a bit limited . I 'm having a difficult time finding my running groove in the new ' hood . I like to run early , and that inevitably means it 's dark . I 've promised my husband I won 't run alone on the river trail in the dark even though it 's a pretty short distance . A promise is a promise , right ? So I 've found myself running shorter distances trying to find the right route that is both safe and long enough . I hate running on the treadmill . I could pretty easily head to the Downtown YMCA just a half a mile from home and hit the treadmill for a few extra miles . Perhaps that will be an option this winter . But right now it 's fall and it 's fabulous , and I want to be outside until the snow and ice force me indoors . I 've decided this winter I 'll have to adjust my schedule and run in the evening . A few weeks ago my husband and I were out to dinner downtown , and we saw a group of runners coming in for a drink . I jealously watched the runners gathering together , and I wanted to be part of it . I signed up for the Mid - Michigan Running Meetup the next day . My running and travel schedule has been crazy the last few weeks , but I plan on running with the group . I want to enjoy running in my neighborhood with other people who have chosen to be part of downtown . It 's going to take a little planning , but I 'll figure out the best routes to run in my new neighborhood . Living and running downtown is my dream . I 'll be running this ' hood before you know it . Posted by In the last few weeks I 've had a couple of people characterize me as " fearless " , and it 's the best compliment ever . I love that description , but it 's had me wondering if it 's true . Am I really fearless ? The dictionary defines fearless as : without fear ; bold or brave ; intrepid . ( Also intrepid is another fantastic word ) . I 'm admittedly not afraid of a lot of things . I think sometimes people confuse my being fearless with being aggressively candid , but I suppose that 's another kind of fearlessness . It takes cojones to say what you think , and I do it often , without reservation . My general thought process is that I like to know where others are coming from , and I hope people appreciate that they always know where I stand . It may be something simple like the abomination of wearing leggings as pants or a complicated legislative issue , but my opinions rarely come as a surprise to anyone . In that sense I am perhaps fearless . But what about overall ? I 'm certainly afraid of things . I 'm afraid of failing to the extent that I won 't even start something I know I 'm not good at . I don 't love driving in bad weather although it is a necessary evil . I have an irrational fear of driving off a bridge into a body of water . When trying to capture a bat last weekend in my house I discovered that I definitely am afraid to be too close to a bat . I 'm sure there are other things I 'm afraid of , but I don 't dwell on them or worry about them . What 's the point ? Worry , particularly about things we cannot control , is a useless endeavor . Worry creates fear , and that 's a vicious cycle in which I refuse to get swept up . For me being fearless isn 't being without fear ; it 's how you handle the fear . We can give in to it , and we can let it get the best of us . Or we can push through the fear and challenge ourselves . It 's good to force myself to do something that scares me . I use fear as a motivator , and it works like a charm . When I started running I was terrified - terrified of failing , of getting injured , of looking silly . Then I realized that was the reason I should do it . Things that have meaning should be intimidating . Whether it 's taking a new job , taking on a new life challenge ( like running ) , traveling someplace where you don 't speak the language , starting a family or falling in love - anything worth doing is scary . Being fearless doesn 't mean you 're not afraid . It means you 've taken afraid and made it your b * tch . I spent my 20s making fearless decisions , and I spent a lot of time handling the terrified . I moved to Texas and visited my third year of law school at Baylor ( a terrifyingly good school where I knew no one ) . I moved to Virginia and applied for a job with the Mayor from a classified ad . It turned out to be a huge catalyst for my love of cities . I moved to Michigan for a new job in the state legislature . I didn 't know anyone here , and the move changed my life . I met my husband , amazing friends , and have fallen into a career that I love . I would be lying if I said all of these large changes weren 't scary , but the fear is what drives me to conquer new challenges . Fear is natural . There is nobody - even the most adventurous and bold people - who don 't feel fear . Being fearless is about conquering the fear and using it to your advantage . Ralph Waldo Emerson said , " Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world . " Being fearless is about beating down the fear and taking control of it . Are there things I fear ? Absolutely . That 's part of what makes me fearless . Posted by The answer to my question is all of it . The word ' no ' isn 't in my vocabulary . This isn 't because I 'm a pushover or because I think I have to be everywhere . It 's because I want to be everywhere , and that 's maybe even harder . For more than half of a decade I 've been at a point in my life where I was first trying to have children biologically and then have been waiting for an adoption for going on three years . In my head is always the thought , " once we have kids we won 't be able to do _____ ( fill in the blank ) as easily " . So I incessantly say yes - to work , to friends , to family . Last year I wrote a post about learning to say no , and I declared I would start with baby showers . That has actually been surprisingly easy . First off I don 't have a lot of friends having their first children ( most of mine are on child number 2 or 3 or more ) , so there are way fewer showers than there were for a while . I also think the people who know me and love me understand that it 's hard . So I 'll happily send extravagant gifts to get out of the showers . That part has been easy . What 's harder is saying no to work ( in particular travel ) and to all the fun things there are to do - football games , tailgates , parties , dinners , drinks , having people over in our new house . I want to do it all - travel for work , have people over , enjoy cocktails , get up and go for a run . I don 't want to pick and choose . But then there come those things I have to find time to fit in , things like laundry , trips to the vet , doctor 's appointments ( of which I have many ) , reading good books , fitting in running and swimming . It 's too much to do it all , and yet I keep trying . I keep pushing , and then I crash . I 'll be in bed by 9 : 15 on the one free night I have in a week . I find it harder to do a long run on Saturday morning because I 'm groggy and need an extra cup of coffee . My blood work last week indicated I 'm anemic again , so I 'm tired in general and pushing through the lethargy to keep going . Saying no doesn 't seem like an option . But why isn 't it ? I mean really . . . why not ? This upcoming weekend I was registered to run the New York City Marathon , a feat my body decided wasn 't going to happen . I said no . . . although not by choice . My Mountaineers play TCU in Morgantown this weekend as well , and once the weekend opened up I assumed we 'd go to the game . But my travel schedule is out of control . When we were in Morgantown for the WVU / Baylor game a few weeks ago , I decided we needed to sell our TCU tickets . I needed a definitive decision about what we were going to do ; otherwise I would feel compelled to go to Morgantown instead of having three whole weekends in a row at home . We sold our TCU tickets for a decent price . The check has been cashed . Then College Game Day announces that they 're coming to Morgantown . Damn it ! I was immediately regretting that we sold the tickets even though I love the idea of not packing a suitcase for a few weeks . Ultimately this is the right decision , but I 'm kicking myself for saying no . We went to College Game Day when it was in Morgantown a few years ago , and it was amazingly fun . I don 't want to miss the fun , but I have to say no for my sanity . College Game Day in Morgantown in 2011 . So . Fun . It 's such a simple word , but it 's really difficult to say . I 'm in a continually failing effort to be more protective of my time , and that will require saying " no " more often . The brilliant and incomparable Steve Jobs once said , " People think focus means saying yes to the thing you 've got to focus on . But that 's not what it means at all . It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that are out there . You have to pick carefully . I 'm actually as proud of the things we haven 't done as the things I have done . Innovation is saying no to 1 , 000 things . " Excellent , excellent words to live by . Posted by Four months of not racing feels like an eternity for someone like me who generally has races 2 - 3 times a month . My last race was the Tri Goddess Tri in June , and then my life ground to a halt . I 've been recovering and getting back into running , and last weekend I decided it was time to get back to racing . That meant waking up at 4 : 45 am on a Sunday and driving to Plymouth , Michigan for the Wicked Halloween 10k . I ran the same race back in 2012 , and I also ran the St . Patrick 's Day equivalent ( same race company , same course ) in 2012 . I haven 't found an overabundance of 10k races in mid - Michigan , so I was excited to get out there again . The 10k distance is perfect - enough to feel like I 've really challenged myself yet short enough to be able to walk without pain the next day . I ran the 2012 Wicked 10k in 58 : 52 , and the Shamrock ' n Roll earlier that year in 57 : 22 . I 've been having a fast year pre - surgeries / hospital stay , but I didn 't expect to break my PR of 57 : 15 . My unspoken goal was simply to run it in under an hour . I don 't run a lot of 10ks , and the 55 minute mark has been my nemesis . I had no illusions that I would conquer it on my first run back after this summer 's drama . I woke up at 4 : 45 Sunday morning wondering , as I always do in those wee hours , why on earth I do this . I arrived Plymouth around 6 : 30 am to pick up my packet . Same day packet pick - up was pretty seamless , and I drove toward the starting line . In the past the city had ample parking , and we were warned on the website that this would no longer be the case . I ended up finding a perfect spot on the street near the start ( yet out of the way of runners ) . It was early , and I smartly brought a book to read . I sat in my car where I could hear pre - race announcements , and headed over about 5 minutes before the race started . I really love downtown Plymouth . It 's a great , intimate downtown with lots to do . Kellogg Park , where the race begins and ends , is a fantastic central community gathering spot . I love the race course a bit less than downtown Plymouth . It is flat but quite winding . There are dozens of turns as it twists through the city 's neighborhoods . The benefit is that Plymouth has beautiful downtown neighborhoods , and there was a lot of crowd support as always . I started the race near the 55 minute pacer , and around mile 2 he inched toward passing me . At the same time I had a runner right in front of me speeding up and slowing down , and the annoyance was enough to make me speed up again . I realized that I felt better than the pace the 55 minute pacer was using , so I decided I 'd leave it all out on the course . My running watch battery died a few weeks ago , and I have yet to replace it . I had no idea how fast I was going . I only knew I was ahead of the 55 minute pacer . I rounded the corner to Kellogg Park and gave it a last good kick . I felt incredible . I crossed the line and grabbed my medal , winded by the final effort . I knew it was around 54 minutes , which was my PR by more than 3 minutes . I found out later that my official time was 53 : 26 , nearly 4 minutes off my former PR . I ran 8 : 37 minute miles , and I rocked it out . I 've continued to remain really disappointed that I 'm not running the New York City Marathon this weekend . I know , however , that there 's no way my body would 've been ready for it . However my first race this fall was amazing , and I feel incredible . I feel like I 've got my body back . It may not be the New York Marathon , but right now it feels like it . Posted by The casualization of America is gross . Seriously . The public places of America are not your living room . For the benefit of the rest of your fellow humans , please take off the yoga pants and pajamas and wear real clothes . Once a year or so I feel this blog is important to remind people that you 'll like yourself more if you look cute . Trust me . I 'm an expert . I love cute clothes . And shoes . God I love shoes . I think dressing well says a lot about who you are , and you 'll never ( okay VERY rarely ) catch me in public without real clothes . Even ( especially ) when I 'm traveling . Sweatpants are for working out or lying on the couch clearing out the DVR . I 'll wear them walking my dogs ( in the dark early in the morning ) . But to the store ? To the movies ? To dinner ? Never , never , never . Even when I came home from a 3 - week hospital stay I asked my husband to bring me jeans and a t - shirt . Two surgeries and a blood clot ? Not reasons to look like a degenerate in public . A rare occurrence : wearing running clothes to breakfast a few weeks ago . This morning I was getting tea at the coffee shop next door to my office . I was wearing my mid - weight pink pea coat ( adorbs ) , tights and this season 's cutest booties . A stranger grabbed my arm and told me she loved my shoes . After a 2 - 3 minute conversation about shoes she said , " Girl you 're working it today . You inspire me . " Sure . . . it 's an outfit . But it 's what the outfit says about who you are and how you feel about yourself that makes others pay attention . And maybe even inspires them to want to feel better about themselves . My fav booties this season . I 've gotten to a point in my life where I comment enough about attire that it 's become a thing . I recently ran into a friend while getting my hair done . She was wearing her work clothes and flip flops . I honestly didn 't even notice the flip flops ; I was just glad to see her . She was mortified and posted something on Facebook about how she couldn 't believe she ran into me looking like that . I felt badly because I didn 't want her to think I really cared , and she looked lovely . But on the other hand ? I like that I 'm making people think about how they present themselves . We all should be . What Not to Wear was a hit television show for a decade for a reason . How you look matters . It matters in how others see you , but more importantly it matters in how you see yourself . I 'm 100 % sure nobody wears pajamas in public and thinks , " Wow I feel amazing in this outfit " . It doesn 't mean wearing a ball gown to Kroger , but if you look good , you 'll feel good too . ( As an aside I 'm not opposed to wearing a ball gown to Kroger . . . or anywhere for that matter ) . I won 't spend any time railing on capri pants ( which I honestly hate so much ) because I know so many people wear them . See . . . I can restrain myself on occasion . I 'll admit it - I put nearly as much time planning an outfit for a race as I do actually training for it . It 's my goal to be the best dressed runner at a race , and I 'd say most of the time I reach that goal . It also helps me actually run better . I swear ! Wearing something cute motivates me to work out . If you look good and feel good about yourself , I guarantee you 'll be more motivated . At a 5k earlier this year . Running skirt , cute top , compression socks . Boom . Life is too short to not feel amazing all the time . I love to get home from work and put on WVU sweatpants and a long - sleeved t - shirt . Being comfortable is awesome . But if I 'm commanding a room during a legislative committee hearing or working toward my PR at a race , it 's about looking and feeling the best that I can . It boosts confidence , and I am sure helps you get closer to whatever goals you want to accomplish . When in doubt , wear the skirt . And the cute shoes . Posted by I love writing . It 's one of my favorite things to do and one of my favorite stress relievers . Unfortunately over the last few weeks it 's taken a backseat while I 've been focusing on everything else - work , family , college football ( you know . . . priorities ) . Both writing and running have been put on the back burner while I manage my completely insane schedule . Last week I spent the entire week with my lover . . . . or at least one of the many cities with whom I am in love . I headed back to Marquette , Michigan for the third time this year for my work 's annual convention . I love Marquette so much I can barely stand it . Being there feels like an alternate reality . I feel more relaxed . I love everything about the city - the downtown , nature , the way the rolling hills kiss Lake Superior . I arrive in Marquette and forget that it took a nearly six hour drive through the middle of nowhere to get there . All I think about when I 'm there is how much I love it , and how much I 'd live there in a minute . I even thought this when I was there in the dead of winter , so my Marquette love affair is obviously very real . The week was busy as a week - long work event tends to be . A lot of it is just being on for days on end . My face hurts from smiling , but I love every minute of it . I love our members . I love and believe in the mission of this organization to create great places . I hear about great projects happening all over the state , and it feeds my soul . With a friend / colleague during our convention . The fall colors were brilliant . Despite the socializing and myriad cocktails consumed last week , I still managed to fit in two really solid runs on Marquette 's bike trail . I picked up the trail on the hill behind our hotel , and it was a beautiful path . Even though it was dark both days when I ran , the trail lights highlighted the peak gold of the autumn leaves . Even with the the busy schedule my heart felt complete . On Friday I left Marquette , and I was barely out of the city limits before my attitude changed dramatically . It was a grey , rainy and windy fall day , and Lake Superior was angrily churning alongside the road . I drove more than five hours back to Lansing feeling frustrated and unhappy most of the way . I stopped in Lansing to pick up my husband and dogs , and we were off on the next 400 mile part of our trip to Morgantown , West Virginia . We all know how much I love Morgantown , but I found myself wondering why on earth we were going there at the end of convention week . I slept in the car most of the trip , and we arrived early Saturday morning . My brother and sister - in - law were also in town to celebrate my nephew 's second birthday . I hadn 't seen any of them since Thanksgiving last year , so I was excited to see family despite my exhaustion . Saturday morning we headed out in the rain to my happy place - Mountaineer Field . The Mountaineers were taking on 4th ranked Baylor . We tailgated with one of my oldest friends and his awesome wife , and headed into the game . It was a cold and dreary day , but my team was amazing . Our defense rocked it out , and despite the cold I couldn 't make myself leave . We ended up winning the game , and I had tears in my eyes as the stadium sang Country Roads after the victory . The extra 400 miles was worth it . We had a fantastic weekend visiting with family . My nephew is the cutest , and we got to hang out and go to some great restaurants . A week in Marquette followed by a week in Morgantown was exactly what my heart needed . Now if I could just blink and be in either location without the travel , my world would be perfect . We arrived in Lansing on Monday evening , and the madness began again . This week I have three presentations - in Livonia , Sterling Heights and Holland , Michigan ( all at least an hour from Lansing ) . My head is spinning with busy , and I find myself looking into next week wondering if it will get less crazy . Spoiler alert : it will not . But my heart is happy and full with family , placemaking and the happiness hangover from having spent a week in two of my favorite places . When the busy is over , the happy is all that is left . Posted by I 'm an advocate for cities by profession and an amateur runner . I love vibrant cities - walkable downtowns , public art , public transit . Running gives me a chance to see cities in a unique way .

My dad kept his promise . He wrote over 5oo daily letters to my mom . I am blogging them to chronicle a remarkable time . Sunday , February 28 , 2016 My Dearest , I went on liberty yesterday for the first time in two weeks and did I get stinko . In fact all the officers who went on liberty were in the same condition but it was really fun . Wish I could tell you more about it but " no can do . " Anyway when we returned I poured myself into my bunk and there I stayed until 5 : 30 AM . I woke up with no hangover and a healthy appetite so I guess I didn 't over do . Today the usual routine prevailed with one exception . We had an appendectomy at which I assisted and it does help to break the monotony . Well darling , I began to say that was all the news but then the lights went off . You see the ship is blacked out at sundown and so here it is Monday , 8 : 15 AM and I 'm back to continue our visit . Boy , was it warm last night . Did I say warm ? I should have said hot . I sat out on the bridge which is usually quite a breezy place and there was hardly a stir in the air . Further it was so dark that many were just groping around going from one part of the ship to another . Seeing as it was so warm I decided there was no use sitting around and I turned in . I got into my birthday clothes , turned the fan directly on me and fell asleep to wake up soaked . We had a regular pour down . The rain came in my porthole and really cooled me down . I was nice and cool for the rest of the night . However , when I awoke I was just as hot as I was when I turned in ( in more ways than one ! ) . Well my Sweet , I 'm going to sign off now . Do you remember how nice and crisp and cold it was up at Mount Hood ? I don 't think I 'll ever get enough cool weather again . Besides we 'll need it cool when we are together again . Goodbye my darling . Today I hit the jackpot again . After days of no mail I received twenty - two letters , all at one time . Sixteen from you , a couple from Libby , Ruth , Gilman , Manny , and the Fleishers . That was some haul . Three of the letters bear an October 9 postmark and looked like they had been soaked down . It is my guess that these letters were on that plane that went down between the States and some of our Pacific Islands . Anyway they were late but plenty welcome . I have arranged your letters chronologically and will try to cover anything that needs any comment . First Honey , I 'm glad that you are getting out for a little recreation . As a matter of fact all your letters have a much more cheerful tone and believe me that does make me much happier . The mails are going to be very slow from now on until well after Xmas so be patient if you don 't hear right on the dot . If you have anything to send on don 't stall . I do wish I could see your new hairdo . So you think I 'd like it ? Well you know me so you can tell even if I don 't see it . My throat cleared up quickly as did my cold and I 'm in the pink right now . I am all through with my shots and their effects . It should be smooth sailing from here on out . I am looking forward to the book you mention . Do you think it is safe reading with so many sailors around ? Ah Well , I 'll let you know after I 've read it . Those Xmas cards will never reach me in time so I may stow them away for next year and we 'll sign both of our names to them . By the time you get this letter the package I sent should have arrived and I hope everything will be OK . The Halloween party sounds very nice and I 'm very sorry not to have been there to see my girls parade around , play games and entertain . Nina 's split up with Jack isn 't all surprising . You could see it coming every time you saw them together . However I am surprised at her joining the WACs . Frankly I don 't believe that it was purely a sex problem . She had her friends and ways : he had his and neither was willing to compromise and divorce is the result . After all no woman would suit me either after having loved and known you . By comparison the same probably applies in their case . Regarding the office accounts . Write or phone all who haven 't made payment s in the past 30 days . If you don 't get any response turn them over to the bureau . Pay particular attention to : Shelling , Teaham , and Mitchel . Go easy on Curry , Guber , and Mellick . Turn over Buchwalter right away . Accept the $ 20 from Solgado . We would only net Lovingly My Dearest , Just another day of work . Saw patients all morning till 11 : 00 AM . Then I tried too cool off and freshened up for lunch . After chow I found a shady and cool spot on the captain 's bridge and read a little of Thorne Smith 's " Let 's Face It . " It is a murder mystery and totally different in style and content from his other literary efforts . Then it rained so I knocked off reading and chewed the fat with Hansen . In snatches I have also been reading Balzac 's " Droll Stories " and find then rather amusing . At 1 : 30 some more patients and by the time I was through I was hot and sweaty so I went back to my room to freshen up and change for dinner . After that I played a few games of cribbage and now here I am . Quite an exciting day , isn 't it honey ? And that is the way they all are . Do you remember how impatient I always was to get going after dinner ? Well honey when I get back you and I have lots of places to go to and things to do and see . Remember just you and me . Don 't try to ring in any company on me . Well Sweet , I 'm going to turn in now . I love you and need you and when I feel lonesome I take out your picture and then I feel better . Good night my darling . How is my love tonight ? Are our two darlings behaving or shall I give you a hand ? Gee I wish I could . It would be fun to get Linda and Norma ready for bed . I 'd undress both of them tonight with the greatest of pleasures even with my blues on . And then after they were comfortably tucked in you and I would have a " late " on the studio couch . Nice dreaming anyway . Well darling today consisted of the same sixes and sevens . Work and chow and work and more chow . I haven 't weighed lately so I 'll check myself in the morning . There were many clouds in the sky today and all day it looked like rain but so far no such luck . If it did rain , I 'd promised myself to strip down and just sit out on deck and cool off . However there is a nice breeze blowing now and it has been blowing for the past several hours and believe me I sat out there and enjoyed every moment of it . It 'll probably rain but I guess not until after I 've turned in . Darling , do you remember our honeymoon at Lake Arrowhead ? My but it was hot ! Remember how we pushed the bed so that it was almost hanging out of the window to get an extra breath of air . Sweet if you and I were there now I wouldn 't care how hot it was . Let 's go back after the war . Is it a date ? Good night honey . I do feel extra loving tonight so how about a big hug and kiss and right now , not later . Thank you dear , that was swell . My Dearest , Another day , another dollar . This morning I saw eight patients . Put in ten fillings and treated a couple of mouths . By eleven I was hot and soaked to the skin or I should say from the skin out . In this weather I perspire very freely but the heat bothers me much less than I had expected . This afternoon I sat out on deck and read for a while . Then one of the officers joined me and we had an interesting chat about home and family . After sunset I went up on the bridge and did a little star gazing . By the time I get home I should have a fair knowledge of astronomy . Well My Darling that is all for today . With all my love , Here I am again . The daily routine remains unchanged . Up at seven and finished with breakfast by eight . Down to my office at 8 : 30 and from then until 11 : 00 I move right along . At 11 : 30 lunch and then a little " sack duty " ( a nap or reading period in my bunk ) . Back to my office at 1 : 30 until - - ? And then the rest of the day to read and take it easy . This Navy life is really making a loafer out of me . Doubt whether I 'll ever be able to turn out a decent day 's work . Sweet , I hope you won 't be angry but until I find something to write about my letters may skip a day . Please understand darling that there is nothing to tell . Do you remember many years ago the party at Barney Shapiro 's house where we met and I took you home ? Ambie and I were sitting out on deck and reminiscing and I told him about that great event in my life . Gosh but I 'd like to go to a party tomorrow night , meet you and take you home . Only I wouldn 't kiss you good night at the door , no sir ! After the war you and I will take up where we left off on parties . I 'll take you and bring you back home . Well , Sweet that 's all for tonight . With all my love all wrapped up for you and waiting for the day when I come home . Dearest Eleanor , This has been another routine day . My arm feels practically well this morning and I 've felt 4 . 0 all day so the effects of the shot didn 't last very long . I began the day by seeing six patients in the morning . Then after lunch I read for a while and then worked on those gadgets I 'm making . I has been quite warm all day long with very little breeze although it is always comfortable up on the bridge . After dinner this evening I made my daily visit to the bridge and visited with the O . D . ( Officer of the Day ) . About 8 : 00 PM I went down to the wardroom for a glass of iced coffee and a game of Peek . After that Ambie , the Doctor and I stood out on deck and until just a few moments ago talked . All the officers wonder what I can say writing daily . The only things of interest that happen can 't be told and daily routine is quite uninteresting . Most of them write once or twice a week and they are all betting that I 'll quit this one a day soon . Maybe I will but not yet . I can still tell you I love you and even if there is a lot of repetition you 'll still know what my days consist of mostly . Nothing more for now , my Sweet . Till tomorrow " lot - - - s of love " My Dearest , I didn 't sleep well last night . My arm was sore and I kept rolling over on that side and waking up . This morning I felt better except that my arm is still sore . I never thought a tetanus shot would bother me so much . This has been a quiet day for me . Saw patients this morning and just lounged around for the rest of the day . I finished a book " All Over but the Shooting " a humorous mystery story of war time Washington , D . C . My next book is " Let 's Face It " by Throne Smith . Expect to start that his afternoon . After I finished reading I went to work on the ? I 'm making for you and the kids . There will be many hours of work and I hope you will like it . Anyway the time goes much fast when I 'm occupied . After dinner I repaired to the bridge and enjoyed the cool ocean breeze . Ambie and I found comfortable deck chairs and sat around and sang songs , old and new , for over an hour . Then we went into the wardroom for a game of Peek . By that time it was 9 : 00 PM and some of the officers who had night watches turned in so we broke up our game and here I am . Gee , Sweet I 'd sure love just a little note from you now . Just to know that you and the kids are well and everything is secure . Guess I 'll have to wait several days before I may enjoy that pleasure . In the meantime darling , good night . I 'll see you in my dreams . I love you . Dearest Wife , Was I mad this morning . It must have been past 1 : 00 AM before I finally turned in . During the night the clocks were turned back a half hour . The mess boys didn 't know that so they woke me at 6 : 30 AM . Now I 'll be short the half hour from 6 : 30 to 7 : 00 AM that I usually sleep in . I have arranged my hours of work so that I do all routine dentistry in the morning before it gets warm and stuffy . For the rest of the day I stay topside as much as possible . This morning after I finished up my appointments I got another tetanus shot and my arm has been sore ever since . I 've had many shots but this is the first time I got a real reaction . The other day , I picked up a magazine you might enjoy . It is called " The Woman " and is a digest magazine such as " Readers Digest . " There were several articles I enjoyed reading and I know you would also . This afternoon with my sore arm and the warm weather , I found me a cool , shady spot on the captain 's bridge and read for a while . In the late afternoon the captain invited our exec and me into his cabin for a cup of coffee . Then I visited the navigation bridge until dinner which was lousy . This evening , the exec , Hansen , Cox and I went to the wardroom and played a few games of " Peek " which I described to you a long time ago . Sweet , I do feel punk tonight . My arm is sore and achy and I 'm perspiring to beat the band . Good night Honey until tomorrow . I love you as always . Dearest Eleanor , After writing last night , I intended to turn in because it was past 11 : 00 PM . However there was no sleep in me so I went up on the bridge and kept the watch officers company . It was a beautiful night . The sky was completely lit up by stars and a bright moon hanging high . I just couldn 't help think how wonderful it would be to have you with me on an ocean cruise . When I turned in finally it was past twelve . Today was just another routine day . Worked all morning and part of the afternoon . It was rather stuffy in my office and I knocked off about 3 : 00 PM . Spent the rest of the afternoon on the bridge . We could see rain squalls on the horizon and expect some foul weather which didn 't materialize . The cloudy sky of early evening gradually cleared up and by 11 : 00 PM the stars and moon where shining in all their glory . Our navigator began pointing out various stars and constellations and before we got through I had a chart of all the large stars and planets which I 'm going to study . Astronomy is very fascinating and I will have time to do a little studying . It is really late night so I must say good night ( better yet good morning ) to my darling . Until tomorrow , loving you always . Dearest Eleanor , Hello darling how are you ? Believe it or not this has been a busy day from the time I climbed out of my sack . I worked in my office until lunch time . Since then I 've been busy with other duties . Because of some changes in the ward room mess I have a closing statement for the last period to complete and I haven 't found anyone yet who understands accounting . Anyway I spent three solid hours doping out a statement and I hope I have it correct now . Then , as welfare officer , I 've had calls for fishing line , medicine balls , poker chips , playing cards , dart games and what have you . To top it off I brought our record player down from the radio shack , where it was hooked up to the ship 's Public Address System , and set it up to play from 8 : 00 PM till now . You see the rest of ship is dark and quiet after 8 : 00 PM ( he must have meant 10 : 00 p . m . ) to give watch standers a chance to sleep . Yes honey , I manage to keep my days full and like it better that way . How are you passing your time ? Do the kids keep you as busy as ever or does Betty keep them out of your way ? Gee I wish you could sit out on deck with me and enjoy the warm , balmy evening , look at the many twinkling stars in the sky and let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear ! Now it would be time for a nice hot kiss and a bunny hug . That 's the way I feel today . Sweet and all I can do is dream about you now . Well there will be many days when I shan 't need to dream about you because you 'll be right there and will I be willing and able ! And will you ? Well , Sweet , I am sleepy and will probably be awakened at 6 : 30 so I 'm going to turn in now . But before I go , do you remember the first time you kissed me ? My did you run . Bet after this war you don 't run away . If you do I know a guy that 'll catch you before you are well started . Good night Sweetheart , until tomorrow . Dearest Eleanor , This has been a swell day . The sun was not particularly hot today and as a result it was cool and comfortable all day long . I did a little work in my office and concentrated on the library the rest of the time . I didn 't realize what a job cataloguing and indexing over 1 , 200 books was but I know now . Here is what we are doing . First we have two cards for each book , one showing the title first the other author first . Then we have a third card to show the borrowers name and date the book is due . I will more or less have to classify all non - fiction books according to the Dewey Decimal System . It is quite a project but I believe I can do it . So much for our library . I 've received many requests today for recreational gear and will break those out in the morning . My next few days will be busy ones but I like that because it helps the time go faster . How are you doing ? By now you 've probably learned more about me from Al and Jim than I 've been able to tell you so I hope all your questions are answered . There is little more I can add except that I miss you more each day and doubt whether I 'll ever get enough loving to make up for the time we 've lost . However it 'll be fun trying . Good night Sweet . I 'm going to turn in early . Hello Sweet , did you have a pleasant Sunday ? Today is the day I usually spent with my girls . Oh well , after this is all over there 'll be lots of Sundays for you and me with our two girls to keep us busy . This has been a rather quiet day . I worked all morning and part of the afternoon . About 3 o ' clock I broke out a new phonograph we got and some recordings of radio programs . We had a little trouble getting the machine hooked up but finally did . Then we tried out a few of the programs and they will be swell when radio reception isn 't favorable . The movie this evening was a real " oldie " but quite enjoyable - - Bob Hope and Betty Hutton in " Let 's Face It . " Although I had seen it before I got a lot of laughs out of it so it must have been good entertainment . What did you do today ? Did you go over to Ruth 's and have dinner there or is that program discontinued ? I had expected to see Al today but it was impossible to reach him and I had the medical duty aboard . Please darling , be patient come what may . You may not get all the answers and get mail regularly but believe me I love you , always have and always will . For a change , this has been a cool and comfortable day . A few clouds in the sky do make a difference especially when they get in the way of the sun . Sweetheart do you remember how you always had to prod me to write a letter . Well dear after the war you are once again appointed official correspondent for the Steingarts . Good night darling and pleasant dreams . Love and kisses to you and a couple of hugs for our girls . My , my , so hot and bothered about nothing . Anyway , I haven 't ignored your questions , and I 'm sure that by now you 've read the answer you 've been wanting to hear . Sorry , darling that Lillian knew more about my visit with Al than you did but being shore based he can write freely whereas I may not . I 've told you that before but you still keep asking where did I go and what did I do . I 've tried to tell you and several times the censor has had to cut items out . Please understand dear and when I get back I 'll fill in the blank spaces . I wish you would go with Deb , Dave and Leon . What the h - - - , it won 't hurt Leon to spend and evening with his family and it would do you a lot of good to get out . I 'm glad you aren 't spending a lot of money for Xmas gifts . I 've spent plenty and you should find gifts for all . Besides I 'd never expected you to spend so much on cards . However , it 's done and I 'll send them off if they reach me in time . Wish I could cut up that " darn bird . " As far as that goes I wouldn 't mind eating a little of your home cooked chicken . Last night I went to that party I mentioned earlier this week . The Captain , Ambie , Cox , Roberts , and I represented our ship . And how ! The hosts were a Mr . and Mrs . MacKay . I expect to see them after the war . They have property in Los Angeles and are acquainted with Donald Douglas . They will visit the states as soon as the war is over . Anyway he asked me for our address and promised to look us up . The party itself was a dilly . There were 6 couples and about 10 servicemen . We consumed 8 quarts of liquor and several cases of beer . The MacKays roasted two turkeys and a leg of pork along with the trimmings . By ten o ' clock , when we left , we all were feeling pretty good and have an invitation to return . Sweet do you remember how I rebelled against those Sunday Family dinners ? Wouldn 't I love to just get the kids and their gear in the back seat and with you beside me , drive over to your mother 's or sisters ' for a Sunday family dinner . Isn 't it funny how ones attitude can change ? Well my love , I hope you 're all cooled down and everything is serene . I 'd like to take you in my arms and kiss away your hurts ( imaginary and true ) but I can 't until later . In the meantime , Sweetheart , please be patient and understand that I 'm in the Navy and can 't do as I please . I do love you and miss you even though I don 't fell each page with sweet nothings . It is 11 : 25 and I have to freshen up for lunch . Till later my Sweet with all the love that is in my heart I am Just came down from the movie . The picture , " Dragon Seed , " was long running , over 2 1 / 2 hours , but it held my interest every minute of the time . There is little to tell since I wrote last night . I addressed twenty Xmas cards that I had purchased and have thirty more to send in addition . Today has been another day . I worked all morning and this afternoon I took inventory of the supplies in our wardroom mess . The mail today consisted of a letter from Al Stein while he was in the hospital and a copy of the Outlook . Dear will you notify the Outlook of my new address ? This one went to Diego and was then forwarded . Now that most of my work is clearing up I 'll go back to work on our ship 's library . Just today , I received , by mail , new books for our library . The cataloguing of the books we already had is still incomplete . However , I now have two dental corpsmen , so I should make better progress . I 'll wait till I see the morning mail before I send this letter off . Now it 's time to turn in . Good night my Sweet . Dearest , I 've been running around all morning . Just finished lunch and found four letters from you . Now we 'll have our little visit . You should have a letter from me every day . I write daily , drunk or sober . Such Dreams gal , don 't you know any better . Now back to Mary . If I 've written once I 've written three times that Mary is all wrong and I 've never wanted to get away from you . I love you too much for that . So - - it isn 't true and you just forget it . I saw " Song of the Open Road . " It 's about teenagers and lots of music . Linda must have enjoyed it a lot . I 'll file your suggestions for Xmas and see what happens . The reason I didn 't tell you more about my visit with Al is because of censorship . Al is shore based and so was able to write more fully about it . No darling Leon 's guess is still wrong so you can proceed to stop worrying . I 'm quite safe and expect to remain so as long as I 'm aboard this ship . Our chief pharmacist mate , who was transferred , had been aboard since January but he is regular Navy ( I believe ) and had twenty - eight months of sea duty consecutively running . However enlisted personnel and officers work differently . Besides he had been in the states for over a month in February or March . This can 't be used as a criterion as to when I 'll return . Forget Xmas cards if you haven 't already attended to it . In all probabilities they wouldn 't reach me on time . Donate as little as you can to the War Chest . I am making my contribution in a more personal fashion . This year let the others worry about it . Forget the Center completely . When I return will be time enough for our contribution . I bought a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses from the ship 's store for $ 4 . 90 . The regular price is $ 7 . 75 so that is quite a saving . Put in a claim for the pair that was lost . That is all for now , Sweet . Wish I could wrap up a big bundle of love for you and send it on . As it is I 'm storing it up till I get back and then - - Oh boy ! ! Bye darling till later .

Manning is fighting for his life . He and a killer with a gun are going at it , street fighting on the deck of a boat , in a desperate struggle to kill the other . They 're in the Gulf of Mexico on the Ballerina , a 37 - foot sailboat . They both fall overboard , sinking into the water , still fighting . Manning breaks free and goes to the surface , thinking his enemy , Barclay , has drowned . He watches helplessly as The Ballerina drifts away from him . Then , as described by Charles Williams in his 1955 book , Gulf Coast Girl , Manning tells his story : I had forgotten about Barclay . He came to the surface of the sea forty yards away . He was drowning - - drowning in a waterlogged tweed jacket with a gun in his hand as if he would no more have parted with either of them than he would have condescended to notice the existence of the Gulf of Mexico when he was busy trying to kill me . I forgot even to be afraid , watching him . It was fantastic . He would go under . The gun would reappear first , held above his head , and then his face ; the broken jaw agape and water running out of his mouth . He would calmly tilt the gun barrel down to let the water run out so it wouldn 't explode when he fired , and then he 'd shoot . His aim was wild because of his exertions to keep himself afloat long enough to fire . The bullet would ricochet off a swell and go screaming into the blue emptiness behind me , and the ejected shell would whistle into the water on his right . He would go under . And then fight his way back to the surface to do it all over again . There was something utterly magnificent about it , and I didn 't hate him any more . I forgot I was the one he was shooting at . He shot three more times . The fourth time he didn 't quite make it . The gun came up out of the water and then sank back and there was an explosion just under the surface as he pulled the trigger while it was submerged . He never came up again . I was alone now . I looked around . The Ballerina was far out on the horizon , still going away . Williams had a way with visual writing . The scene reads like a Posted by Some time ago in this blog I complained that the expression , " hubba - hubba , " appears to have disappeared from the lexicon of males referring to females . It might not be cool because of sexual harassment , but I do a silent " hubba - hubba " whenever a foxy babe crosses my path . What she can 't hear won 't hurt me . So here are some women I think deserve a " hubba - hubba " , silent or otherwise , to show that I approve mightily of their pulchritude . Here 's a big hubba - hubba to girls with huge . . . eyes . Hey , a Sarah Palin lookalike . Now this is a Sarah Palin I could get behind . Or in front of . Hubba - hubba . Hubba - hubba to a rein - dear who makes me jingle my bells for Christmas . " Hubba - hubba to Norma Jeane , partly dressed for Halloween . " Hubba - hubba to this old - time corset cutie . ( Visit the fun , sexy and informative Gimcrack Hospital blog , and check in with Nurse Myra who looks terrific in a corset . ) Hubba - hubba to the sultry 1960s pin - up girl in her lingerie and big hair . ( But shouldn 't that headline be " Naughty Nora 's Nylons " and not " Nora 's Naughty Nylons " ? ) Finally , Mick 's daughter , Georgia May , a hubba - hubba honkytonk woman ! More hubba - hubba postings , here , here , here and here . On the local morning news I saw a contestant from The Biggest Loser TV show ( sorry , I didn 't catch her name ) , answer questions from viewers about the Biggest Loser Ranch . I don 't watch the show but am aware of it so I watched her with some interest . According to her interviewer , the lady is within 19 pounds of her goal . She told the viewers that when she was at the Biggest Loser Ranch they work out six hours a day , three with the trainers , and do a lot of walking . She 's now off the show , but still does four hours a day working out , and runs for two hours ! Whew . I grew exhausted just listening to that . If you need to lose weight , the old tried - and - true is the best way : eat less , exercise more . For many years , and to the delight of many purveyors of weight loss methods , diets , pills and nostrums , most people opt to take an easy way . I don 't think anyone ever lost money marketing quick weight loss , based on the number of companies that have used that in their advertising . Notice the headlines in these ads from the early 1950s . One promises you 'll CHEW CHEWING GUM , REDUCE . It 's Kelpidine gum , made of fucus ( sounds like mucus but it 's a seaweed ) . Some people still swear by this product . Read this testimonial by a doctor in India My Unforgettable Cases . He helped an overweight young woman find love and a husband ! Doc , you rock . The other ad is the old " eat something before a meal and curb your hunger . " For some people that would mean eating a double cheeseburger before dinner , but here it 's a product called Meltabs . My personal feeling about that is why not skip the Meltab , have a glass of water instead ? It does the same thing . An article from The Philadelphia Inquirer October 18 , 2010 was headlined , " At 79 , he nibbles and noshes his way to health . " It tells of Bob Kay , who eats up to 20 times a day , but he 's foresworn traditional meals , and does what he calls nibbling or grazing , where he may eat some nuts or a fruit . As the article states , " Actually , Kay is more than surviving : he 's thriving . Since becoming a nibbler , KaPosted by To kill some time yesterday before a game on TV , I watched a two week old episode of CSI . I think the show goes out of its way with violence and gore , and I 'm used to it . But even I sat up and took notice of the initial scene , a decapitated body strung up on a barbed wire fence . For the sake of illustration I took my Canon and caught the very moment . In the show it went so fast , a couple of seconds , that it made mostly an impression . The viewer is left with , " Did I just see what I thought I saw ? " In its own way , as Grand Guignol , it 's brilliant work by the special effects people who make realistic dead bodies for the show . It is Halloween week but on some TV shows that spirit lives every week . Sometimes it gets morbid , but sometimes funny . The ghoulish scene of the pathologist pulling the head off a fence post was over the top , but also funny in a demented way . Decapitation is one of those things that terrified me , even as a kid , and it 's all because of this character , and Walt Disney . When I was ten , about 1957 , the Disneyland TV program showed The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow . It was in black and white , interrupted by commercials , but I thought it was the scariest thing I had ever seen . The idea of being chased through the dark woods by a man with no head was too much for me . As I 've told people before when telling the story , " I didn 't sleep for the next couple of years . " When Dad asked me what my problem was , lying in my bed , under the covers , whimpering , I told him . He said , " That damn Walt Disney . He 's scared more kids than Frankenstein and Dracula . " I had a nightmare once of the Headless Horseman being outside my bedroom window . Whew . Shudder . In 1959 I saw The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow on a theatrical re - release and instead of being scared , I laughed because the cartoon is very , very funny . Even the scenes with the Headless Horseman are funny . So , my bogeyman , the decapitated Headless Horseman , was no more . Decapitation is used as a method of execution , and there are a lot of pictures floating around the World Wide WePosted by Sally and I took some pictures today . I drove her to a street I traveled every work day . It 's been a tradition every year for the homeowner to decorate his house for Halloween with a big spider in a web . From my yearly observation , the spider house is the only one on the block decorated for Halloween . When I 'd drive by in Octobers past I 'd often think , " Wish I 'd brought my camera . " Today I did . The other day I read one of those factoids - - interesting facts of no real importance - - that had a headline , " Men were first to wear high heels . " The story was that men wore high heels to keep their feet in the stirrups while riding . It ended by saying , " Once women started wearing high heels men stopped wearing them . " Well , most guys , anyway . ( They forgot about cowboys , or the Beatles , who wore 3 " heels on their boots when they came to the U . S . in ' 64 . ) I 'm not sure about that factoid , because my dad 's childhood book , The Book of History , from 1930 , shows pictures of high heels on women in ancient Greece . Here 's an illustration from the book , which was taken from a fresco . An illustration of Helen , wife of Menelaos , meeting Paris , prince of Troy , is given some authenticity by having the clothing taken from pictures of contemporary dress found on pottery and frescoes . It shows Helen and her handmaidens all wearing high heels . And exposed breasts . ( This picture had a particular fascination for me as a child , as you might imagine . ) I don 't know the history of high heels , but I know that women have had a love affair with them forever . Shoe styles change , but high heels are never out of style . I went on the Internet and found these pictures . So , who do you think looks better in high heels ? This leggy lass ? How about this leggy lad ? This pair of queens ? Or this queen ? A local news story tells of a guy who stole a school bus and led police on a chase . Pursuers , in the interests of public safety , called off the chase fearing someone would get killed . The thief crashed the bus and got away . All cops have is this picture , which they 're sharing with the public . Our pictures are being taken more than we think . Walking into your local grocery store , convenience mart or department store , or getting out of your car in a parking lot , chances are there is a camera looking at you . Many places use cameras in intersections to catch stoplight runners , or on the road to catch speeders , then issue robotickets . When it concerns public safety we 're all for these cameras until we get caught by one of them . I like the idea that if someone robs a bank or a store there will be pictures of the robber . Besides helping to catch the crook , there 's a secondary benefit . Seeing pictures on TV news of identifiable robbers may discourage other would - be robbers . But I don 't like pictures being taken of me without my knowledge . I think about it sometimes when I 'm shopping . I don 't do anything that would look suspicious , but sometimes I get a kind of tingly feeling in the back of my neck , like Somebody 's Watching Me . To someone who already thinks like a paranoid it can be creepy . I 'm all for security people watching bad guys . I 'm all for security not watching me . Too bad there 's no camera that can see intentions . It 'd make me feel a lot less paranoid if I knew as soon as a camera saw me it would say , " look away ; this man is on legitimate business . " I tried to think of something that could be a tribute to John Lennon for his 70th birthday . I just haven 't been able to come with up with anything that hasn 't been said a million times . Reading the September 13 , 1968 issue of Life , with excerpts from Hunter Davis ' biography , The Beatles , I was struck once again by the story of Lennon 's early life . He was born in 1940 in the heat of war , his father left the family , his mother left him with his aunt Mimi and her husband . I wonder how much his early years percolated in his brain , and came out in his music . Probably a lot . Hunter Davis , in this short excerpt from the magazine , tells of Alfred ( Fred ) Lennon , John 's father , and Julia Stanley , his mother . No matter that it is told in the biography in just a few paragraphs , it ended up in his songs . I 've included a performance from a New York appearance , where John sings " Mother , " and even though he says in his intro it 's not personal I don 't think even he believed that when he said it . Then John 's own son , Sean , does a great job on his father 's song , " Julia , " on a 2001 TNT special honoring Lennon . The last few years have seen some attention paid to bullying in public schools . I saw a couple of stories about it just yesterday , one on the Today Show and one on Oprah . I was bullied for a short time , my first year in high school . I was kind of surprised at the time because I wasn 't an obvious target for a bully , but for some reason Garry Starr picked me out . And his name was really Garry Starr , and I haven 't changed it for the purpose of this blog , because Garry showed himself to be a coward . I don 't worry about him coming after me nearly 50 years since he picked me out to bully . He could be dead by now , for all I know . Garry Starr was an ugly kid . I can 't even imagine what he would look like as an adult . Maybe like the guy in the picture . Starr was hulking and slope - shouldered , but big . He was about 6 ' tall , but his height was in his torso , which was long , as were his arms . His legs seemed short in comparison . So he looked like the gorilla he was . He had a lizard face , some sort of skin condition that gave his face a scaly appearance . He didn 't do anything physical to me . He grabbed me by the collar one time , but there wasn 't any hitting , just mainly insults , brought on by . . . what ? I never could figure him out . I was just singled out in his pea - sized brain to be a victim . I did what victims of bullying do , too . I tried to avoid him , and that wasn 't always possible . Because he was a year ahead of me in school we didn 't have any classes together , but occasionally I saw him in the hall , at which time he 'd get in my face . Why ? I have my theories . Nowadays they talk about gay kids being bullied , and I wasn 't gay . I was smaller than Garry , and I 'd had a date once with a girl who he 'd bring up when he 'd threaten me . Maybe he was jealous . My friend Ron had once run afoul of Garry Starr and Ron 's dad had given him some advice . " If he corners you , haul off and hit him in the nose as hard as you can , then run like hell . " I thought about it and shuddered . If I did that maybe I 'd get away , but there would be hell to pay later . Posted by I found this picture , framed , on a friend 's wall . ( Click on these pictures to make them big so you can see what I 'm talking about . ) I took a snapshot of it , because what struck me about this large group portrait of some 1953 fez - wearing conventioneers is that there are no smiles . Nowadays when pictures are taken the photographer usually exhorts the subjects to put on a happy face . This is just conjecture , but it could be because of one of these reasons : the dinner was rubber chicken - - for the 34th straight year ; the speakers bored the hell out of them , like every other year ; they were missing the Milton Berle show on television , or the open bar just closed . There are two people who have faint traces of a smile . They are flanking this man who appears to be grimacing . He might be wondering when the Pepto - Bismol will be passed around . Judging by the ages of the people in this photo I 'd say these are the age of my grandparents , born in the 1890s or early 1900s . They had been through two world wars and the great depression . In 1953 Americans worried about things like the Russians dropping bombs : atom , or horrors , hydrogen . Maybe these people just find it hard to smile because they 're all wearing dentures - - in that era aged Americans died with just a few of their real teeth left in their mouths - - or it could be after a long life spent going to conventions they 're just all smiled out . I 've got one more day to enjoy beautiful Northern California , but in the meantime I 've got some of my favorite postings that I 'm recycling . I 'm retired now , since January 1 , 2009 , after 32 1 / 2 years working for a large school district . This was written on the occasion of my 30th anniversary at the district , June 23 , 2006 : Today was an anniversary for me , but I shared it with only a couple of people , because it 's not that big a deal to anyone but me . Today was my 30th anniversary of working for the school district . I started there on June 23 , 1976 . When I started working for the school district we had 69 schools , and one female principal . Now we have 100 schools ( give or take a couple , since almost every year they shut down old schools or open new schools ) , and the last figure I heard was that 2 / 3 of the principals are female , and about half the administrators in our district offices . Up until a few years ago , when my parents ' generation started retiring or dying , the school system was still patriarchal . The principals were all men who sat in their offices doling out punishment . To get called to the principal 's office meant you were in TROUBLE . Now it means you might get a certificate good for a little toy at the school store if you were good that week . A kid might look forward to being called in to the principal 's office . Back then the principal was a godlike figure who presided over a school like Moses over the Israelites . To be summoned was to feel fear and trembling . As society has changed , so has our school system . I was hired by Big Jim , who was Warehouse foreman , for whom I worked in one capacity or another for about 26 years . He went on to become Director of Purchasing , and an even bigger pain in the ass than he was as the Warehouse foreman , but that 's another story . One of the guys who worked there when I started knew me from when we were teenagers . He was then a warehouseman , but he went on to bigger and better things , and now he 's a high school principal still working for our district . Since he 's gained aboutPosted by I 'm still out of town , so I 'm recycling old posts . Here 's a favorite of mine from April 17 , 2007 : Today I was speaking to a teacher in the faculty room of an elementary school . I was taking a break , having a cup of coffee . Besides working for the same school district , Linda and I have been neighbors for over 30 years . Neither of us have to have newer , bigger houses , keep up with the Joneses by buying boats , motor homes or expensive cars . Since we 're both still married to our original spouses we got on the subject of when we were young and first married . I said , " When Sally and I went through our hippie phase we had no money for anything but rent , groceries and utilities . We didn 't miss money . We invented things to do . We had sex . We went to the park and fed the ducks , we went to the public library and read books . " Without missing a beat Linda said , " You invented sex ? Well , thank you ! " I blushed , thrilled to be finally thanked for my contribution to humankind . I 'm reposting some of my favorite oldies while I 'm partying in Northern California with friends . This is from April 9 , 2007 : Going through some old files I ran into the oldest story of mine I still have , a science fiction short called " Zero Hour . " Many more of my stories went the way of all things over the years . It seems that some of us - - me , in particular - - put no value on much of our pasts , and let a lot of it get away from us . Based on the handwriting I was probably in fourth grade when I wrote it , about 1955 or 1956 . It isn 't necessary to read past the first page to see where the story is going . Joe McLenen ( sic ) is checking out some " intsurements " on the rocketship SP - 12 . The dumb " enginner " wasn 't " carefull " and slammed the hatch on poor Joe . Joe compounded his problems by slipping on some " greese " and falling . I can say something for " Zero Hour , " reading it 51 years later : it has a beginning , a middle and an end , which means I was already familiar with plots and story structure . It also showed my early interest in space , rockets , trips to the moon and even beyond . I was a solitary kid , just as I am a solitary adult . I have lived most of my life in my head . If I 'm awake I 'm dreaming up stuff and when I 'm asleep I 'm dreaming of stuff to dream up . I used to read books on the future and talk about space and rockets a lot . So much so that when my third grade teacher saw me in the hall during my fourth grade year she said to me , " I thought you 'd be on Mars by now . " I wasn 't on Mars , but Mars was in me . I read everything I could on the subject of the solar system and knew as much as anyone about the then - current knowledge of the planets . One Saturday morning last year my brother and I were having coffee . We both said that in some ways we didn 't regret getting older because it meant he had lived through some important parts of the Twentieth Century . The thing that stuck out most in his mind was the moon landing on July 20 , 1969 . It was one of my Top Ten life - moments , too . It seems that as a species we made that giant leapPosted by

Manning is fighting for his life . He and a killer with a gun are going at it , street fighting on the deck of a boat , in a desperate struggle to kill the other . They 're in the Gulf of Mexico on the Ballerina , a 37 - foot sailboat . They both fall overboard , sinking into the water , still fighting . Manning breaks free and goes to the surface , thinking his enemy , Barclay , has drowned . He watches helplessly as The Ballerina drifts away from him . Then , as described by Charles Williams in his 1955 book , Gulf Coast Girl , Manning tells his story : I had forgotten about Barclay . He came to the surface of the sea forty yards away . He was drowning - - drowning in a waterlogged tweed jacket with a gun in his hand as if he would no more have parted with either of them than he would have condescended to notice the existence of the Gulf of Mexico when he was busy trying to kill me . I forgot even to be afraid , watching him . It was fantastic . He would go under . The gun would reappear first , held above his head , and then his face ; the broken jaw agape and water running out of his mouth . He would calmly tilt the gun barrel down to let the water run out so it wouldn 't explode when he fired , and then he 'd shoot . His aim was wild because of his exertions to keep himself afloat long enough to fire . The bullet would ricochet off a swell and go screaming into the blue emptiness behind me , and the ejected shell would whistle into the water on his right . He would go under . And then fight his way back to the surface to do it all over again . There was something utterly magnificent about it , and I didn 't hate him any more . I forgot I was the one he was shooting at . He shot three more times . The fourth time he didn 't quite make it . The gun came up out of the water and then sank back and there was an explosion just under the surface as he pulled the trigger while it was submerged . He never came up again . I was alone now . I looked around . The Ballerina was far out on the horizon , still going away . Williams had a way with visual writing . The scene reads like a Posted by Some time ago in this blog I complained that the expression , " hubba - hubba , " appears to have disappeared from the lexicon of males referring to females . It might not be cool because of sexual harassment , but I do a silent " hubba - hubba " whenever a foxy babe crosses my path . What she can 't hear won 't hurt me . So here are some women I think deserve a " hubba - hubba " , silent or otherwise , to show that I approve mightily of their pulchritude . Here 's a big hubba - hubba to girls with huge . . . eyes . Hey , a Sarah Palin lookalike . Now this is a Sarah Palin I could get behind . Or in front of . Hubba - hubba . Hubba - hubba to a rein - dear who makes me jingle my bells for Christmas . " Hubba - hubba to Norma Jeane , partly dressed for Halloween . " Hubba - hubba to this old - time corset cutie . ( Visit the fun , sexy and informative Gimcrack Hospital blog , and check in with Nurse Myra who looks terrific in a corset . ) Hubba - hubba to the sultry 1960s pin - up girl in her lingerie and big hair . ( But shouldn 't that headline be " Naughty Nora 's Nylons " and not " Nora 's Naughty Nylons " ? ) Finally , Mick 's daughter , Georgia May , a hubba - hubba honkytonk woman ! More hubba - hubba postings , here , here , here and here . On the local morning news I saw a contestant from The Biggest Loser TV show ( sorry , I didn 't catch her name ) , answer questions from viewers about the Biggest Loser Ranch . I don 't watch the show but am aware of it so I watched her with some interest . According to her interviewer , the lady is within 19 pounds of her goal . She told the viewers that when she was at the Biggest Loser Ranch they work out six hours a day , three with the trainers , and do a lot of walking . She 's now off the show , but still does four hours a day working out , and runs for two hours ! Whew . I grew exhausted just listening to that . If you need to lose weight , the old tried - and - true is the best way : eat less , exercise more . For many years , and to the delight of many purveyors of weight loss methods , diets , pills and nostrums , most people opt to take an easy way . I don 't think anyone ever lost money marketing quick weight loss , based on the number of companies that have used that in their advertising . Notice the headlines in these ads from the early 1950s . One promises you 'll CHEW CHEWING GUM , REDUCE . It 's Kelpidine gum , made of fucus ( sounds like mucus but it 's a seaweed ) . Some people still swear by this product . Read this testimonial by a doctor in India My Unforgettable Cases . He helped an overweight young woman find love and a husband ! Doc , you rock . The other ad is the old " eat something before a meal and curb your hunger . " For some people that would mean eating a double cheeseburger before dinner , but here it 's a product called Meltabs . My personal feeling about that is why not skip the Meltab , have a glass of water instead ? It does the same thing . An article from The Philadelphia Inquirer October 18 , 2010 was headlined , " At 79 , he nibbles and noshes his way to health . " It tells of Bob Kay , who eats up to 20 times a day , but he 's foresworn traditional meals , and does what he calls nibbling or grazing , where he may eat some nuts or a fruit . As the article states , " Actually , Kay is more than surviving : he 's thriving . Since becoming a nibbler , KaPosted by To kill some time yesterday before a game on TV , I watched a two week old episode of CSI . I think the show goes out of its way with violence and gore , and I 'm used to it . But even I sat up and took notice of the initial scene , a decapitated body strung up on a barbed wire fence . For the sake of illustration I took my Canon and caught the very moment . In the show it went so fast , a couple of seconds , that it made mostly an impression . The viewer is left with , " Did I just see what I thought I saw ? " In its own way , as Grand Guignol , it 's brilliant work by the special effects people who make realistic dead bodies for the show . It is Halloween week but on some TV shows that spirit lives every week . Sometimes it gets morbid , but sometimes funny . The ghoulish scene of the pathologist pulling the head off a fence post was over the top , but also funny in a demented way . Decapitation is one of those things that terrified me , even as a kid , and it 's all because of this character , and Walt Disney . When I was ten , about 1957 , the Disneyland TV program showed The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow . It was in black and white , interrupted by commercials , but I thought it was the scariest thing I had ever seen . The idea of being chased through the dark woods by a man with no head was too much for me . As I 've told people before when telling the story , " I didn 't sleep for the next couple of years . " When Dad asked me what my problem was , lying in my bed , under the covers , whimpering , I told him . He said , " That damn Walt Disney . He 's scared more kids than Frankenstein and Dracula . " I had a nightmare once of the Headless Horseman being outside my bedroom window . Whew . Shudder . In 1959 I saw The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow on a theatrical re - release and instead of being scared , I laughed because the cartoon is very , very funny . Even the scenes with the Headless Horseman are funny . So , my bogeyman , the decapitated Headless Horseman , was no more . Decapitation is used as a method of execution , and there are a lot of pictures floating around the World Wide WePosted by Sally and I took some pictures today . I drove her to a street I traveled every work day . It 's been a tradition every year for the homeowner to decorate his house for Halloween with a big spider in a web . From my yearly observation , the spider house is the only one on the block decorated for Halloween . When I 'd drive by in Octobers past I 'd often think , " Wish I 'd brought my camera . " Today I did . The other day I read one of those factoids - - interesting facts of no real importance - - that had a headline , " Men were first to wear high heels . " The story was that men wore high heels to keep their feet in the stirrups while riding . It ended by saying , " Once women started wearing high heels men stopped wearing them . " Well , most guys , anyway . ( They forgot about cowboys , or the Beatles , who wore 3 " heels on their boots when they came to the U . S . in ' 64 . ) I 'm not sure about that factoid , because my dad 's childhood book , The Book of History , from 1930 , shows pictures of high heels on women in ancient Greece . Here 's an illustration from the book , which was taken from a fresco . An illustration of Helen , wife of Menelaos , meeting Paris , prince of Troy , is given some authenticity by having the clothing taken from pictures of contemporary dress found on pottery and frescoes . It shows Helen and her handmaidens all wearing high heels . And exposed breasts . ( This picture had a particular fascination for me as a child , as you might imagine . ) I don 't know the history of high heels , but I know that women have had a love affair with them forever . Shoe styles change , but high heels are never out of style . I went on the Internet and found these pictures . So , who do you think looks better in high heels ? This leggy lass ? How about this leggy lad ? This pair of queens ? Or this queen ? A local news story tells of a guy who stole a school bus and led police on a chase . Pursuers , in the interests of public safety , called off the chase fearing someone would get killed . The thief crashed the bus and got away . All cops have is this picture , which they 're sharing with the public . Our pictures are being taken more than we think . Walking into your local grocery store , convenience mart or department store , or getting out of your car in a parking lot , chances are there is a camera looking at you . Many places use cameras in intersections to catch stoplight runners , or on the road to catch speeders , then issue robotickets . When it concerns public safety we 're all for these cameras until we get caught by one of them . I like the idea that if someone robs a bank or a store there will be pictures of the robber . Besides helping to catch the crook , there 's a secondary benefit . Seeing pictures on TV news of identifiable robbers may discourage other would - be robbers . But I don 't like pictures being taken of me without my knowledge . I think about it sometimes when I 'm shopping . I don 't do anything that would look suspicious , but sometimes I get a kind of tingly feeling in the back of my neck , like Somebody 's Watching Me . To someone who already thinks like a paranoid it can be creepy . I 'm all for security people watching bad guys . I 'm all for security not watching me . Too bad there 's no camera that can see intentions . It 'd make me feel a lot less paranoid if I knew as soon as a camera saw me it would say , " look away ; this man is on legitimate business . " I tried to think of something that could be a tribute to John Lennon for his 70th birthday . I just haven 't been able to come with up with anything that hasn 't been said a million times . Reading the September 13 , 1968 issue of Life , with excerpts from Hunter Davis ' biography , The Beatles , I was struck once again by the story of Lennon 's early life . He was born in 1940 in the heat of war , his father left the family , his mother left him with his aunt Mimi and her husband . I wonder how much his early years percolated in his brain , and came out in his music . Probably a lot . Hunter Davis , in this short excerpt from the magazine , tells of Alfred ( Fred ) Lennon , John 's father , and Julia Stanley , his mother . No matter that it is told in the biography in just a few paragraphs , it ended up in his songs . I 've included a performance from a New York appearance , where John sings " Mother , " and even though he says in his intro it 's not personal I don 't think even he believed that when he said it . Then John 's own son , Sean , does a great job on his father 's song , " Julia , " on a 2001 TNT special honoring Lennon . The last few years have seen some attention paid to bullying in public schools . I saw a couple of stories about it just yesterday , one on the Today Show and one on Oprah . I was bullied for a short time , my first year in high school . I was kind of surprised at the time because I wasn 't an obvious target for a bully , but for some reason Garry Starr picked me out . And his name was really Garry Starr , and I haven 't changed it for the purpose of this blog , because Garry showed himself to be a coward . I don 't worry about him coming after me nearly 50 years since he picked me out to bully . He could be dead by now , for all I know . Garry Starr was an ugly kid . I can 't even imagine what he would look like as an adult . Maybe like the guy in the picture . Starr was hulking and slope - shouldered , but big . He was about 6 ' tall , but his height was in his torso , which was long , as were his arms . His legs seemed short in comparison . So he looked like the gorilla he was . He had a lizard face , some sort of skin condition that gave his face a scaly appearance . He didn 't do anything physical to me . He grabbed me by the collar one time , but there wasn 't any hitting , just mainly insults , brought on by . . . what ? I never could figure him out . I was just singled out in his pea - sized brain to be a victim . I did what victims of bullying do , too . I tried to avoid him , and that wasn 't always possible . Because he was a year ahead of me in school we didn 't have any classes together , but occasionally I saw him in the hall , at which time he 'd get in my face . Why ? I have my theories . Nowadays they talk about gay kids being bullied , and I wasn 't gay . I was smaller than Garry , and I 'd had a date once with a girl who he 'd bring up when he 'd threaten me . Maybe he was jealous . My friend Ron had once run afoul of Garry Starr and Ron 's dad had given him some advice . " If he corners you , haul off and hit him in the nose as hard as you can , then run like hell . " I thought about it and shuddered . If I did that maybe I 'd get away , but there would be hell to pay later . Posted by I found this picture , framed , on a friend 's wall . ( Click on these pictures to make them big so you can see what I 'm talking about . ) I took a snapshot of it , because what struck me about this large group portrait of some 1953 fez - wearing conventioneers is that there are no smiles . Nowadays when pictures are taken the photographer usually exhorts the subjects to put on a happy face . This is just conjecture , but it could be because of one of these reasons : the dinner was rubber chicken - - for the 34th straight year ; the speakers bored the hell out of them , like every other year ; they were missing the Milton Berle show on television , or the open bar just closed . There are two people who have faint traces of a smile . They are flanking this man who appears to be grimacing . He might be wondering when the Pepto - Bismol will be passed around . Judging by the ages of the people in this photo I 'd say these are the age of my grandparents , born in the 1890s or early 1900s . They had been through two world wars and the great depression . In 1953 Americans worried about things like the Russians dropping bombs : atom , or horrors , hydrogen . Maybe these people just find it hard to smile because they 're all wearing dentures - - in that era aged Americans died with just a few of their real teeth left in their mouths - - or it could be after a long life spent going to conventions they 're just all smiled out . I 've got one more day to enjoy beautiful Northern California , but in the meantime I 've got some of my favorite postings that I 'm recycling . I 'm retired now , since January 1 , 2009 , after 32 1 / 2 years working for a large school district . This was written on the occasion of my 30th anniversary at the district , June 23 , 2006 : Today was an anniversary for me , but I shared it with only a couple of people , because it 's not that big a deal to anyone but me . Today was my 30th anniversary of working for the school district . I started there on June 23 , 1976 . When I started working for the school district we had 69 schools , and one female principal . Now we have 100 schools ( give or take a couple , since almost every year they shut down old schools or open new schools ) , and the last figure I heard was that 2 / 3 of the principals are female , and about half the administrators in our district offices . Up until a few years ago , when my parents ' generation started retiring or dying , the school system was still patriarchal . The principals were all men who sat in their offices doling out punishment . To get called to the principal 's office meant you were in TROUBLE . Now it means you might get a certificate good for a little toy at the school store if you were good that week . A kid might look forward to being called in to the principal 's office . Back then the principal was a godlike figure who presided over a school like Moses over the Israelites . To be summoned was to feel fear and trembling . As society has changed , so has our school system . I was hired by Big Jim , who was Warehouse foreman , for whom I worked in one capacity or another for about 26 years . He went on to become Director of Purchasing , and an even bigger pain in the ass than he was as the Warehouse foreman , but that 's another story . One of the guys who worked there when I started knew me from when we were teenagers . He was then a warehouseman , but he went on to bigger and better things , and now he 's a high school principal still working for our district . Since he 's gained aboutPosted by I 'm still out of town , so I 'm recycling old posts . Here 's a favorite of mine from April 17 , 2007 : Today I was speaking to a teacher in the faculty room of an elementary school . I was taking a break , having a cup of coffee . Besides working for the same school district , Linda and I have been neighbors for over 30 years . Neither of us have to have newer , bigger houses , keep up with the Joneses by buying boats , motor homes or expensive cars . Since we 're both still married to our original spouses we got on the subject of when we were young and first married . I said , " When Sally and I went through our hippie phase we had no money for anything but rent , groceries and utilities . We didn 't miss money . We invented things to do . We had sex . We went to the park and fed the ducks , we went to the public library and read books . " Without missing a beat Linda said , " You invented sex ? Well , thank you ! " I blushed , thrilled to be finally thanked for my contribution to humankind . I 'm reposting some of my favorite oldies while I 'm partying in Northern California with friends . This is from April 9 , 2007 : Going through some old files I ran into the oldest story of mine I still have , a science fiction short called " Zero Hour . " Many more of my stories went the way of all things over the years . It seems that some of us - - me , in particular - - put no value on much of our pasts , and let a lot of it get away from us . Based on the handwriting I was probably in fourth grade when I wrote it , about 1955 or 1956 . It isn 't necessary to read past the first page to see where the story is going . Joe McLenen ( sic ) is checking out some " intsurements " on the rocketship SP - 12 . The dumb " enginner " wasn 't " carefull " and slammed the hatch on poor Joe . Joe compounded his problems by slipping on some " greese " and falling . I can say something for " Zero Hour , " reading it 51 years later : it has a beginning , a middle and an end , which means I was already familiar with plots and story structure . It also showed my early interest in space , rockets , trips to the moon and even beyond . I was a solitary kid , just as I am a solitary adult . I have lived most of my life in my head . If I 'm awake I 'm dreaming up stuff and when I 'm asleep I 'm dreaming of stuff to dream up . I used to read books on the future and talk about space and rockets a lot . So much so that when my third grade teacher saw me in the hall during my fourth grade year she said to me , " I thought you 'd be on Mars by now . " I wasn 't on Mars , but Mars was in me . I read everything I could on the subject of the solar system and knew as much as anyone about the then - current knowledge of the planets . One Saturday morning last year my brother and I were having coffee . We both said that in some ways we didn 't regret getting older because it meant he had lived through some important parts of the Twentieth Century . The thing that stuck out most in his mind was the moon landing on July 20 , 1969 . It was one of my Top Ten life - moments , too . It seems that as a species we made that giant leapPosted by

When I first started writing , I was desperate to find a publisher . Now bear in mind this was twenty years ago , and self - publishing was not even a glimmer on the horizon . If you wanted to be published , to be a real author , you needed a publisher . Or an agent , who would represent you , and sign you up for a fantastic contract . Fast - forward fifteen years , and I was writing again with a view to being published , and all around me , writers were starting to publish their own works . It was still uncharted waters , with only the brave setting out to conquer the world , and I was scared . What if I wasn 't good enough ? What if my books sank like stones ? I needed the validation of a publisher , someone in the know to say , " yes , you can write , and we like your work . " The beauty of the rapid changes in the industry meant that publishers were springing up everywhere . Signing my first contract was both exciting and terrifying . I 'd been accepted into the secret - author - club , but that didn 't mean I 'd sell . I might still crash and burn . Time passed , and I collected another publishing house , and then another … suddenly I was represented by three different publishers . At the time , it was the right thing to do for me , but it was also the time I realised it no longer worked for me . Like taking the training wheels off a bicycle , I was ready to go it alone . Go self - published . After spending years trying to get signed up , I now wanted my rights back . And that 's finally happened . My last contracted book is in the process of reverting ( i . e . coming down from the shelves under that label ) , and coming back to my ownership . I can give it a new cover . Make changes to the script - add a new epilogue , or vignette . Juggle the price , and give away ARC copies . And even more importantly , continue the series the way I want to write it , not the way the publisher wanted it to go ( according to their house - style ) . First to be re - launched is my Out of Time series ( time - travel romance ) , and the first book in this series , Marc 's Conflict , came out today . The next series to be re - launched is my Love at the Beach contemp romance series . Look out for that soon 🙂 Marc sank onto his new bed and waited for Felix to come in , his mind skipping over everything that had happened today . The minute Felix crept in and locked the door behind him , Marc sat up . " What are you doing with Naomi ? " " Good evening to you too , Marc . " A beaming smile lit up Felix 's face , little dimples flashing in his cheeks . " I can 't believe you never realized about her before . " Marc swung his feet to the floor and stood before him . " You can 't talk like that . If our commanding officers find out , they 'll … " He couldn 't say it . Marc always suspected Felix struggled to suppress his emotions , but never had such concrete proof before . It was a disturbing facet of his friend he 'd not seen before . Felix was smart , and had great potential as a ghardian . He could read a page of text and memorize it almost instantly . Marc was the brawn to Felix 's brains , and they worked well together . Marc took a deep breath and considered his words . " What makes you so sure you 'll be allowed to make a commitment with her ? Last I heard , you needed Council approval . " He shrugged . " Three years . Four , maybe . By that time , I 'll have made Lieutenant , you 'll probably be Colonel , and Naomi will be a qualified Medic . " " Yes . " Felix reached out and touched Marc 's arm , pressing his fingers into the sleeve . " You 're the only other person that knows , Marc . I 'd trust you with my life . I know you won 't give us away . " His faith in Marc - and in Naomi - was staggering . Julie is living her dream , opening a video - game themed cookie bouquet shop with her best friend . But it turns out even dreams come with stress and sleepless nights . Their primary investor , Dante , is as overbearing in real life as he is on his award - winning cooking show . On the other hand , he 's sexy as hell , and his boyfriend , Christopher , is as kind as he is a gorgeous , drool - worthy geek of a guy . Julie swore every eye was on her , as she walked through the hotel lobby and toward the elevators . Her heart hammered so hard , she was surprised it didn 't pull an Alien and leap from her chest . With each footstep , she told herself to calm down . Herself wasn 't having any of that . She reached the room , used the keycard , and pushed inside with a tentative , " Hello ? " A lamp near the bed was on , but there was no one in the room . She clenched her fist , to stem the surge of uncertainty . She wanted to think this was a joke after all , but none of her believed that was the case . Her pulse threatened to rip free of her veins . This was a bad idea . She should leave . But mingled with the uncertainty and fear was an intense ache of desire from every sensitive region of her body , amplified by throbbing curiosity . She did as the letter instructed . Cool air kissed the dampness between her thighs and slid like silk over her nipples . It took the last of her reason to keep her hands from shaking as she took a spot on the bed and tied the blindfold in place . She dug her fingers into her palms and rested them on her upper legs , straining her ears for any sound out of the ordinary . The climate control hummed a discordant tune with the ringing in her ears . Voices from the hallway drifted closer , cranking up her heartbeat , then floated away again , leaving her with a misplaced rush of adrenaline that had no outlet . Were those footsteps , outside ? Allyson Lindt is a full - time geek and a fuller - time contemporary romance author . She prefers that her geeky heroes come with the alpha expansion pack and adores a heroine who can hold her own in a boardroom . She loves a sexy happily - ever - after and helping deserving cubicle dwellers find their futures together . You could say , this one 's been a long time coming , but it finally gets released next week . I love the characters in this series , so much that they appear in other cross - over series and standalones . And that 's the beauty of owning the rights to your work - there 's no niggly issues with referencing other characters 🙂 Marianne needs to find who 's leaking secrets from her company , before they lose another major contract . What she doesn 't need is an affair with her married boss . Even worse , to fall in love with him . Marcus was just so damned nice . Marianne had almost forgotten what good company he was and how easily they slipped back into being friends . She sensed there was something he wasn 't telling her . He 'd lost weight in the past year , and had new worry lines on his forehead and shadows under his eyes . She almost asked if the rumours about him and Louisa were true , but managed to stop herself in time . Silence hung between them . Marianne should turn on her heel and walk into the apartment building , but she didn 't . What was it about Marcus that drew her so much ? He was a complication she couldn 't afford . " You too . " The quick hug she gave him was impulsive . Air - kissing cheeks was as close as they 'd been up to now . The squeeze he gave her made her pulse quicken , but she moved . Stepped free . " Goodnight , Marcus . " She didn 't look back at him . She couldn 't . A reminder : The Tenant is Book 3 of the Love or Magic series , but each book in the series is a stand - alone . Also , Book 4 - One Last Night brings them all together . ( Hint : that 's out too . Get it now ! ) Derek has had a hell of a few months . His girlfriend turned out to be a cheater and then stole his restaurant . He 's not about to also give up the place he 's called home for three years - even if his hot but infuriating landlady threatens to move in by the end of the week . Alice has hated Christmas for a decade , and this year is no exception . She 's spending the holidays alone with her best friend 's cat , while everyone she knows is out partying . To add to the fun , a huge stray dog just made a mess of her parents ' living room , and her dreams are haunted by the sexy stranger she slept with almost six months ago . Quinn wasn 't always a dog . At least that 's what he thinks , but he can 't be certain , because the killer migraines kick in . All he 's sure of is he knows Alice . And he 's running out of time . My next release is now available for pre - order at the reduced price of 0 . 99 . If you fancy reading a dark and angsty corporate romance , this is for you . On release day ( 25 August ) it 'll go up to full price . Kate 's having the birthday from hell . A sadistic boss and rumors of a corporate takeover threatening her handpicked team are bad enough , but then her car breaks down in the middle of nowhere . In a monsoon . A one - night stand with the delicious Jordan Merrill is probably not her best idea , but it 's far more appealing than room service and pay - per - view . Like Cinderella , she runs away from the best night of her life , but instead of leaving a glass slipper , she drops her business card . Like Prince Charming , Jordan isn 't satisfied with just one night , though he and Kate live hundreds of miles apart . For one heart - stopping second I thought I 'd faint . Random thoughts fired through my brain . Was I still asleep and this was a dream ? Would he take me in his arms in front of everyone in the boardroom ? Was I hallucinating ? I 'd longed to see him again ; maybe I superimposed his face on every new man I met ? Why was he here ? Did he know I 'd be here ? Was he equally surprised ? Pleased ? In desperation , I squeezed my fingernails against the palm of my hand . The pain cleared my head , and I tried to concentrate on Adam 's jovial introductions . I shook hands with Jordan 's colleagues and spoke politely , hoping the panic and turmoil didn 't show on my face . When it was time to shake Jordan 's hand , I froze . Would he say he knew me ? The amused twinkle in his eyes told me he 'd play the game . Derek stretched , scratched his chest , and flipped onto his stomach without bothering to even glance at his watch . He didn 't care what time it was . He had absolutely nothing to do , and there was no way he was getting out of bed before his stomach started rumbling . Even then , he 'd just have to roll to the edge of the bed to order something in ; his cooking days were over . Of course , opening the door for the pizza delivery would require a bit of effort on his part , but he 'd cross that bridge when he came to it . For the time being , he was staying put . He covered his head with the extra pillow to shield his ears from the annoying sounds of the outside world that didn 't respect his need for more sleep . Closer started blasting full force , and Derek 's hangover made him feel like Nine Inch Nails were actually playing inside his head , kicking its walls from inside for good measure . He slid closer to his bedside table , grabbed the phone , and fumbled blindly for the off button . Mission accomplished , quiet was finally restored . For a couple of seconds . Derek mumbled a curse under his breath when the first notes of his ringtone played again , this time right by his ear . Whoever was calling wouldn 't give up . He pressed the little green button with all the fury he usually reserved for fantasies that involved kicking Catherine on her ass after she came groveling for him to take her back . The tone more than the voice sounded familiar , yet Derek couldn 't identify the caller . " Who 's this ? " His body had an instinctive reaction to the woman on the other end of the line , and it wasn 't a positive one . His fingers tensed on the receiver , his eyes squeezed shut , and the headache the song birthed now threatened to make his skull explode . Amanda ? " Oh . Mandi . " No wonder he felt like punching something . " Morning , Sunshine . What 's got your panties in a bunch this fine day ? " And why on earth did he have to pay for it ? Derek smirked against his pillow at the impatience lacing her words . Infuriating as she was , baiting her would be delightful . " I 'm honored to be the one bunching your tidy - whities , but don 't you have a fiancé who 's supposed to take care of that ? " " Not that I don 't enjoy a little dirty talk in the morning , but again , is there a reason for this phone - call other than to get me hot and bothered ? " He was neither hot nor bothered , to be honest . Miss Hissy - Fit didn 't do it for him ; he liked his women darker , inside and out . He was , however , more amused than he 'd been in a while . " Derek , " she said , " I 'm sure you 're a rational person deep down . You do a great job of hiding it , but I 'm sure you 're nicer than this . I mean , my mother and father seem to think you 're a kind , decent man , and I admit the way we met was awkward . I 've been under a lot of pressure with the wedding , and I 'm willing to apologize for being rude . If you could move out by Monday - " He laughed . She was willing to apologize for being rude , if he was willing to go out of his way to accommodate her . That sounded so very much like Catherine 's willingness to unburden him of his restaurant . What was it with women wanting to take advantage of him ? " That 's very magnanimous of you , Blondie , but I already told you I want things done the proper way . You send me the notice , and I 'll be out of your hair in sixty days . " She sniffed indignantly . " Why are you trying to be difficult about this ? There has to be another place you could crash until you find something more permanent . Don 't you have any friends ? " Bargaining really wasn 't her strong suit . " Don 't you ? You seem like such an easy - going person . I bet people are swarming to offer you accommodation . " Derek couldn 't even convince himself of the sincerity of his words , so he pressed on before she could protest his mocking tone . " Can 't you shack up with that great big man of yours ? " Jokes and baiting her aside , he was in no condition to lose the apartment too . Not after everything else . Not yet . Something told him her sigh wasn 't entirely because he was being exasperating . " Not that it 's any of your business , but Mason is old - fashioned , " she said . " He won 't agree to our living together before we 're married . " And it was obvious Mason held his outdated ideas above helping out his girl . The jerk could have offered to sleep on the floor for a few days . A lot of days even , if he truly loved her . Derek was no relationship expert , so he didn 't vocalize his thoughts . " And why don 't you get married ? Or is he putting it off ? " He accompanied the latter with a snort . " We 're getting married in eight weeks , and I need to move there ASAP , to get things ready . " She paused . " Don 't you see why I need you to move out ? " If he didn 't know better , he 'd say she sounded pleading . He saw . She needed to make sure everything was perfect for when she and the big lug finally shared a home . Because that was what doting fiancées did ; they cared enough to help make a house a home . They didn 't stay up till all hours of the morning , doing God knows what , only returning home to sleep . No , not only doting fiancées . Decent women who loved the guy they were with did that . Catherine wasn 't a decent woman , she didn 't love him , and she 'd damned him to a life of loneliness and misery . " Well , I understand the problem now , and I 'd love to help you - anything for true love - but your ASAP " - he pronounced each letter separately - " will have to wait a bit . Or maybe your man will have to shove those values of his up his ass , because I need to sort things out before I can end my stay here . I see it taking at least a month . Perhaps even two . " He was being mean and petty , and if he were sitting up instead of lying down , he 'd be crossing his arms petulantly . " Okay , you know what ? You may have my mom and dad fooled , but I can see right through you , " Mandi hissed . And there went her polite façade . " I tried being nice , but you 're obviously enjoying making things difficult for me . My kitchen appliances are being delivered in two days , and I 'll be there , in my apartment , to sign for them . " She stopped talking long enough to give him time to speak up , but he remained silent , which seemed to give her a second wind . " What 's more , on Friday - that 's six days from now , by the way - I am moving in . You need to clear the place before that . " He smirked . " I don 't appreciate your tone , or the accusation that I 've somehow lied to Carol and Kenneth . You 've insulted me , and for that , I 'm not going to move an inch from the apartment until the notice expires . You 've filed for a notice already , haven 't you ? " He buried his face in his pillow again , this time to stifle a laugh . " Well , that 's tough . What 's tougher , I 'm sorry to tell you , is that you won 't be here for your appliances or moving in on Friday , unless you want me to call the cops . Have a nice day , and don 't call me again . I 'll only be talking to your parents now on . Feel free to pass any messages to me through them . " He had a reply for that , but he refrained from voicing it , lest he be considered more vulgar than he 'd already been . " I 'm sure you have a storage room somewhere . Or they can leave them on my balcony . " " It 's my balcony , Derek . " She spat out his name like it was an insult . " My apartment . My name on the papers . And if you don 't leave , I 'm coming in and changing the locks . " " Good luck with that . " He hung up the phone with a grin . Readjusting his position in bed , he clicked on his cell phone 's phonebook and scrolled down to M . Derek has had a hell of a few months . His girlfriend turned out to be a cheater and then stole his restaurant . He 's not about to also give up the place he 's called home for three years - even if his hot but infuriating landlady threatens to move in by the end of the week . Alice has hated Christmas for a decade , and this year is no exception . She 's spending the holidays alone with her best friend 's cat , while everyone she knows is out partying . To add to the fun , a huge stray dog just made a mess of her parents ' living room , and her dreams are haunted by the sexy stranger she slept with almost six months ago . Quinn wasn 't always a dog . At least that 's what he thinks , but he can 't be certain , because the killer migraines kick in . All he 's sure of is he knows Alice . And he 's running out of time . This is actually the beauty of self - publishing , that my characters and worlds are not locked down by a publishing house , and like old friends , I can keep going back to them . When it comes to keeping them all ordered , I have a constant struggle to make sure I know who 's who , and where , and when . Three - dimensional chess would be easy in comparison to juggling three separate series of books , each with their own ( sometimes intersecting ) timelines , and crossover characters . Right now I 'm working on Event Horizon # 1 . That 's the start , right ? Except , Perfect Stranger and Pole Position precede it . So it 's really the middle ? Or is it … ? Kate 's having the birthday from hell . A sadistic boss and rumors of a corporate takeover threatening her handpicked team are bad enough , but then her car breaks down in the middle of nowhere . In a monsoon . I awoke to something heavy pressing on my arm . Cracking my eyes open , I saw it was Kate , lying face down into the pillow , my forearm under her stomach . Daylight sneaked through a chink in the curtains , and I lifted my wrist to see the time . Shit . It was almost seven , and I had a breakfast meeting in half an hour . Being the boss sucked sometimes . With care , I eased free , but she didn 't stir . I gazed at her , admiring the graceful neck and smooth skin across her back . She was covered from the butt down by the sheet , and that was a shame . It was also a shame that I didn 't have time to wake her slowly and play some more . I smoothed one hand down her hair , and she obligingly turned her head to face me , her eyes still shut . Even with mussed hair and crinkles in her skin from the pillow , she was breathtaking . Whatever the hell I did to be so lucky to catch her , I was glad . As for last night ? She was beyond hot . What were the chances I could rearrange my meeting and stay here another hour ? Zero . I 'd scheduled this breakfast to get mid - conference feedback from my team , and it would be irresponsible of me to cancel this late . Duty battled with want , and as usual , won . An irrational fear that she might leave when I was in the shower nagged at me , but she was still there , waking up . She squinted at me , unfocused , when I emerged from the bathroom , a towel around my middle . A second later , she snapped her eyes closed again and tugged the sheet over her head . Cute . She 'd seen me in all my glory last night , yet was embarrassed about watching me dress ? I shrugged into a fresh shirt , found clean boxers and socks , and selected another pair of suit pants . While Kate continued to sleep , I called room service , checked my phone and email , and knotted a tie around my neck and put on my shoes . A glance at my watch confirmed the ugly truth . I couldn 't stay any longer . I figured that level of drinking wasn 't usual for her , and she 'd most likely have a headache this morning . I dug out some painkillers and a chilled bottle of water , and placed them on the bedside cabinet . Inching the sheet lower , to see her face , I couldn 't hold back my smile . She was irresistible . " Morning , gorgeous . " I dropped a fleeting kiss on her lips , and she opened her eyes . God . What I wouldn 't give , to climb back into bed with her . " I 'm really sorry , but I have an early meeting , and then I 'm straight back into the conference . " When she tugged her eyebrows together in a hint of a frown , I added , " I 've ordered room service for you , and it 'll be here soon . " " Last night was amazing . You were amazing . " I captured her cheeks with my hands and claimed her mouth in a deep kiss . Hot damn . I wanted her all over again . Pulling back a fraction , I found my voice . " I 'll be free by seven . Meet me for dinner ? " There was a long pause . My gut churned with an unfamiliar sensation . " Uh , huh , " she muttered , and then burrowed back under the covers . Okay . So she felt awkward about morning - after protocols . I was never sure about them either , but one thing was crystal clear - I couldn 't wait to repeat the experience with her . Tagsgay romance , glbt , Jayce Ellis , m / m romance I met Jayce Ellis through a Yahoo writer 's group . I 'm excited to help her celebrate her debut release with Dreamspinner Press . She is an amazing author ! I 'm lucky enough to be reading the sequel to Alex 's Law . Yep , you 're going to love that one , too once it is published . * grin . * Alex Corrigan is in love with his boss , Judge Lawson Daniels , and thinks those feelings are returned . That assumption is sorely tested two days before the court holiday party they 're organizing together , when the venue calls and cancels , followed by a snafu with the caterer . Alex could handle that , but after an intimate dinner followed by a decidedly unromantic e - mail , he 's left wondering about the future of his employment as well as his relationship with the debonair older man . Law can 't wait to see his clerk again . But Alex is cold and distant in the light of day , and Law doesn 't understand . The party looms in the background , but Law 's excitement is turning to dread . On top of that , someone is sabotaging them , trying to get Alex fired and drive Law off the bench . If there 's any chance for a happy holiday for Alex and Law , they 'll have to find out who . Jayce Ellis has three loves : her husband and her two turtles . Hubby loves her back . The turtles she 's not so sure about , but they do love their sports ( Bay Area teams FTW ! ) . She still hasn 't figured out why she lives in Northern Virginia , where there 's weather , instead of California , where she 's from , and where it 's just … pretty . Jayce spends her days divorcing happily - married couples ( or so she 's been told ) , and her nights talking maniacally to herself . Thankfully the recorder catches her rumblings and magically turns them into words on a screen . Painting nails is way easier when you don 't actually have to type , and with well over 500 polishes to get through , there 's a lot of painting going on . Notwithstanding her no - good , very bad , horrible day job , Jayce seriously believes that true love conquers all . Even Maleficent said it . Sure , she was having an epic Mean Girls moment at the time , but she still said it . And she 's right . The only thing Jayce loves more than writing about true love conquering all , is hearing from readers who feel the same way . Drop her a line ; she 'd love to hear from you . If you like your M / M romance to be angsty and emotional , this is for you . Sgt . Travis Cooper is probably the most damaged hero I 've written . I 've two more novellas coming out at the end of the month , but they are completely different in style . Where Breathing Again is dark , they are light . I like the contrast 🙂 As usual , I levelled my stare at the stand - up name badge on her desk . Dr Leah Forrester . So , Leah , why don 't we not ? I kept the words inside my head . How was she in any way qualified to understand me ? She was a chick . She had both legs . She hadn 't been to war . And judging by the sparkling gold band on her finger , she had a loving husband at home . I didn 't want to be here . Period . The only reason I came each week was to get my brother off my case , or Brady would continue to bust my ass . It was an extra hassle I could do without . A stray thought snuck through the fog . " How do you know about Kyle ? " I spoke without thinking , and then wanted to kick myself . I 'd agreed to attend the sessions , but that didn 't mean I had to participate . A petty distinction , but on the swooping roller coaster my life had become , I clung to even the tiniest amounts of control . Her eyebrows tugged together , and she flicked back through her notebook . " You mentioned him . Two weeks ago . " She glanced up at me . " You indicated some intense feelings toward him . " " He stole my damned dog . " I clamped my lips together before anything else fell out of my mouth . Most of the times I came to this office , I floated on a tide of alcohol . Now I thought hard , I did remember mentioning his name . What the fuck else had I said ? Sgt . Travis Cooper is a hot mess . He 's a seething cocktail of PTSD , depression , and anger , with a side - helping of borderline alcoholism . The giant holes in his memory don 't help either . When his partner , Kyle , walks out after ten years together , and takes his beloved dog , Travis hits rock bottom . That 's not the start of a joke , so there 's no bad punchline to go with it . It 's how the heroines meet in my upcoming release , Leasing Love . The thing about this book is it 's completely new for me . It 's still contemporary romance , and it 's still got its humor and geekiness ( parts of it may be drowning in geekiness ) , but it 's also an FFM menage romance . My three love interests , Jordan , Chloe , and Liz , all come from other books and series . When each of them came out to me , I realized somewhere down the line , I 'd need to give them all an appropriate happily ever after . Even more daunting , I knew I 'd have to break Chloe and Jordan up at least a little before I let them fall back in love again , because they 've been a couple since the beginning of my # GeekLove books . Juggling two perspectives in a romance is hard enough . Add in a third , and my brain almost went on strike at having to give up the use of so many pronouns . I didn 't think it would be too different . I 've written MFM menage before . But it 's always been from the heroine 's perspective . Diving inside three different heads , and making sure they all got equal billing , and all grew and fell in love with each other , took a lot of mental gymnastics . And if you bribe her with cute shoes , my editor will probably confess I was a pest when it came to worrying I hadn 't pulled it off . Trade show stunts . Melt - your - screen fan fiction . Tentacle porn - Jordan and Chloe 's brash , geeky attitudes have made them tech - blog darlings . But as the media asks what 's next for the camera , the two find themselves wondering the same thing in the bedroom , and it 's tearing their relationship apart . Liz is tired of doing what others expect for no good reason other than it 's expected . When she meets open and carefree Chloe and Jordan , she seizes the opportunity to explore the unknown and her sexuality . The three agree to one night of what turns out to be incredible , scorching sex . writingCopyright This site contains material that is owned or licensed by Amy Ruttan , Daisy Banks , Ella Dominguez , Emily Ryan Davis , Eva LeFoy , Gillian Archer , Jocelyn Dex , Leigh Ellwood , Lilly Cain , Lolita Lopez , Rachel Kinley , Sofia Grey , Sorcha Mowbray , and Sotia Lazu . You may not copy , reproduce , upload , post , distribute , republish , re - transmit , or modify in any way any of the material on this site , including computer code and software . Provided that you retain any and all copyright , trademark and other proprietary notices , you may download material for your personal , non - commercial use , or for publicity purposes .

Despite spending 99 % of the day at work , I saw some great stuff today . These woven patches by Karen Barbe ( complete with tutorial ) are so pretty and look kind of achievable . I was getting worried about all the unticked items on my Craftathon 2011 list , but I think these would be a brilliant first mini weaving project . I 'm very excited about trying them and should add that I found them via whipup . I 'm so glad I 've been inexplicably saving cereal boxes lately : ) I came across these amazing ojos de dios , or god 's eyes as I always called them , through someone in my circle on etsy . They 're made by a man called Jay Mohler and you can see his etsy shop ( bursting at the seams with beautiful ojos de dios ) here . When I first opened my etsy shop , my friend Jennifer sent me a link to this cartoon by Natalie Dee . Oh , it does make me chuckle , especially since Jennifer and I used to make god 's eyes together when we were in the good old Girl Guides . They looked much more like the one in this cartoon than the fabulous one above ! I walked home from work tonight because public transport doesn 't exist at times you might need it on a Sunday ( bah ! ) and I couldn 't face getting a taxi . It 's a bit of a long walk to undertake post - work and pregnant , but my spirits were lifted at a vital moment of exhaustion when I heard beautiful music coming from somewhere within the park . Eventually I spotted a man sheltering from the rain under a tree and playing one of these instruments , which is apparently called a balafon . It made a very lovely sound that almost made me cry , but then I was also in tears at the end of Crocodile Dundee 2 last night . . . It 's me bleedin ' hormones , guv ' nor ! My sister emailed me the latest pictures of the kittens while I was at work today and I had to wait until I got home before I could see them . How cute ? ! I think that one on the left here is my favourite , but it is a tough choice . My parents are visiting my sister at the moment and my Mum is apparently smitten with the kittens . Can you blame her when four of them sit on her lap at once ? I still think my sister should keep them all . Look at the idyllic kitten home she has created . Better go - my great big lump of a cat ( we wouldn 't have her any other way really ) wants the computer 's position on my lap . I 'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that I am planning ( or should I say hoping - feeling a little overwhelmed with plans . . . ) to make a ripple blanket for our baby , but I have hit a stumbling block before I have even begun . I have a very specific colour palette in mind - dark turquoise / teal , dark brown , bright pink ( just a little bit ) and mustard . I don 't really go in for expensive , super - soft - type wools and tend to use whatever claims it 's double knitting and machine washable and doesn 't cost a lot of money . I think I usually end up using acrylic stuff , but I 'm not very good at paying attention to labels . I know I can get the blue , brown and pink wool that I 'm looking for easily , but try as I might I can 't find the right shade of mustard anywhere . It needs to be a nice , rich mustard , something not too yellow , but different enough from the brown to be a real contrast . Looking through old blog posts ( where all these images came from ) I can see that mustard is very important to me . Anybody got any top tips of where I can find a few balls of cheap double knitting acrylic - type stuff in an amazing shade of mustard so that I can start crocheting ? My own trawling of the shops / internet has not been successful so far . Thank you ! Some scenes from this weekend , modelled by my hands . Firstly , Graham found peas in the supermarket for me ! Woo hoo ! I have eaten more than is probably healthy . Yum . I also finished the bunny ear hat . I think it looks a bit big for a newborn ( said hopefully , knowing where that head is meant to go before it goes in this hat . . . ) so I am glad I didn 't go for the 0 - 3 months size in the end . Actually , this is the third time I 've made this hat and every time it has come out slightly larger than anticipated , so I should have known . I am not a swatch maker , I just knit blindly . Still , better too big than too small . Now I need to knit a black cardigan to match so that our baby can look like this rabbit . Well , like the human version of that rabbit . I 'm getting rather superstitious , careful what you wish for etc . Too much time spent reading fairy tales and watching Jim Henson 's Storyteller as a child ! Better run - I need to leave for work in about 90 seconds . Birthday Monkey , a photo by mooosh ♥ miso funky on Flickr . Recently I 've been hearing some strange noises coming from somewhere on the street outside our house . I usually hear them after dark and assumed it was a wily fox up to no good . But this morning I am sitting in the living room in broad daylight ( unable to sleep past 5 . 30am as usual ) and I heard the screaming chatter more noisily than ever . It actually sounds like a monkey species , and not the sort of friendly monkey species who might get a job as a yellow coat either . I feel like I 'm in the jungle . While I was contemplating the thought of vicious monkeys on the street outside ( I am not a monkey fan at all ) something jumped into the tree branches right outside the window and started rocking the whole tree . Eep ! I suspect this was the squirrel that sometimes stops by to torment the cats , but it still gave me a terrible fright . I 'll be looking out for beady eyes , wrinkly fingers , yellow fangs and bared gums next time I leave the house . Shudder ! I wonder if the mysterious night - time garden visitor from a few months back was also of the ape variety , maybe a gorilla or an orangutan . . . Oh no ! What a horrible thought ! For the longest time , my embroidery threads have been in a state of tangled disarray inside a little sewing basket . I couldn 't see what colours I had or select a thread very easily . You will have to take my word for the horror because I couldn 't find my camera the other day to take a before photo . What with the impending arrival , I need to clear up ( clear out ? eep ! ) my craft room so that it can become even more multipurpose . As well as its current dual purpose of crafting and cats ' toileting , I think it will need to accommodate Graham ( yes , a boy and his gadgets in my lovely girly room ! ) and a spare bed and various other gubbins . Obviously we will remove the cats ' toilet if anyone needs to use the spare bed . . . Anyway , this brings me on to this item of great loveliness that I 've been meaning to blog about for over a year . My mum and dad got me this beautiful old sewing box ( with a few lovely old things and family sewing heirlooms in it ) for my 30th birthday . My new aim is to fit pretty much all my sewing accoutrements in this one box . I think with a little bit of planning ( and some getting rid of things I don 't really need ) it could comfortably house all my basic sewing supplies plus some lovely extras . This would mean I could use and enjoy the beautiful sewing box even more and save a whole heap of space in the craft room . I 'd also stand a better chance of finding things . I 'll try to share more of the box 's loveliness ( including the story behind my granny 's stitch - picker ) at some other point when there 's more light for photos and more energy in my brain . In the meantime , here 's the little sticker that 's inside the lid . For some reason , the fact the box is Norwegian makes me love it all the more . Would you look how perfectly my bobbins of embroidery thread fit in the top level of the box ? It was obviously meant to be . Most satisfying : ) I 've been up since 6 . 30am today , but thought I would make use of the morning by starting that knitting project I mentioned the other day . I 'm making a baby hat with very cute rabbit ears on it , but controversially I am knitting it in black . Yes , black for a baby . I don 't think I would ever use black to knit for anyone else 's baby , but since this is for my baby , I know the mother won 't be offended . Yes , I did say my baby . I am pregnant , 14 and a half weeks pregnant to be exact . And here is the baby in question . Even I will admit it has a slightly alien face at the moment , but other than that it is very lovely . Well , Graham and I think so , at least : ) We got this scan done a couple of weeks ago and it was truly amazing . We had to have a scan quite early on when the baby was just a jellybean with a heartbeat and even though I had been reading up on the baby 's development week by week and knew it would be looking more like a human by now , I was still completely gobsmacked to see an actual person in there with ten fingers and perfectly formed feet . It literally went from jellybean to human in just five weeks ! I 'd also imagined the baby just kind of floating about in there , but it was moving about all over the place and even had the hiccups at one point . Now I like to imagine what the baby is up to when no - one is watching . I 'm really looking forward to being able to feel it move and , yes , you can quote me on that when I am moaning about it kicking me and keeping me awake at night ! So it 's all been very exciting . We found out I was pregnant while we were away in Scarborough and watched the pregnancy test turn positive in our room in the Grand Hotel . Since then , my plans for nine months of extreme tidying and organising have been scuppered by the fact that I 've pretty much been puking and napping and that is it . I totally underestimated morning sickness and was ill 24 / 7 for about 7 weeks solid . You can actually track my pregnancy woes via this blog . The moment I went from blogging 20 - odd times a month to next to never was Posted by Graham and I had been planning some sort of elaborate day out today , but the crazily changeable weather scuppered that plan , so we went to the cinema for an afternoon movie instead . Semi - randomly we went to see a Turkish film called Bal at the GFT . It was such a good film , very quiet and beautiful . As soon as I saw the little boy who was the main actor I knew the film was probably going to tug on my heartstrings at some point . I sniffled quietly for the last half hour of the film , thought I had pulled myself together and then had to be consoled by Graham as I sobbed on his shoulder once the lights went up . It was such a sweet and sad film and one that I would definitely recommend going to see if you are not as much of a softie as I am . If you 're in Glasgow , it 's on at the GFT until Thursday at least , screening times here . I had a truly terrible day yesterday . I woke up feeling awful . The headache I 'd had since the evening before had not eased off at all overnight and it was making me really miserable . I spent the morning moping about and rubbing my head a lot . In the afternoon I set off for work ( probably not the best idea ) and fell up the stairs while exiting the underground . Now , as well as a sore head , I had excruciatingly painful shins . I arrived at work and cried in the toilets for ten minutes before pulling myself together enough to enter the office . One hour later , my shins were more painful than ever . I went to the toilet to investigate my bruises and found that my leggings were stuck to a 20cm - long gash of raw flesh . I literally had no shin skin left and now have scars that would have put even my five - year - old self 's legs to shame . I then spent over 90 minutes in a stuffy meeting about software that means nothing to me before being sent home early from work with a full - blown migraine : ( I haven 't had a migraine for almost eight years and had really hoped they were a thing of the past . Sadly not . Perhaps the brewing of this migraine explains the low spirits and extreme lazing of Tuesday though . Vindicated ! Anyway , with psychically good timing , my sister sent me the above picture last night and it really made me laugh . That 'll show those pesky boys ! Laughing did make my head hurt a bit more , but it was worth it to lift my spirits - much needed . Today I am well slept , my headache has subsided to a dull throb and I 'm feeling rather proud of my skint shins . I 'm not sure whether returning to work today for a late shift from hell is the best decision , but I 'm going to give it a go and just keep reminding myself that I am off all weekend and can continue my recovery then . Gah , I had forgotten how much migraines suck . . . Tanning is Toast , a photo by govango _ crafts on Flickr . I forgot to make any notes for Day In The Life ( see Claire 's blog here for details ) so this is unreliably done by memory , doubly difficult when it was such an uneventful day . 7 . 45am - Wake up feeling a bit confused about whether or not Graham has got up for work or will have already left . I find him in the kitchen eating his breakfast . He mistakenly thinks I am getting up for the day and talks me into quizzing him on the billion and one product codes he is trying to learn for work . Once I have done that I go to the toilet and go back to bed , hoping for more sleep and fearing I might get called in to work until midnight and not be able to stay awake . I am not very good at late shifts at the moment and am still recovering from working late all weekend . 9 . 00 am - Realise I won 't be getting back to sleep , so I wriggle out from under the two cats who are lying on my belly purring and cleaning each other 's ears to make two slices of toast with raspberry jam . A few days ago when I made toast , the toaster caught fire and I 've been too scared to use it since . Today I investigate more closely and realise Graham must have cleaned and fixed it , so I can go back to making toast the lazy way instead of under the grill . I eat my toast in front of the telly in my dressing gown . I think I watched Friends or something . I don 't usually like it , but am really enjoying it for some reason . 10am ish - I decide to finish crocheting my granny square blanket . The cats cotton on to the crochet coming out , so I have to crochet at strange angles as they try to sit on the nearly finished blanket . This is annoying , but reassures me that the blanket must be really cosy : ) I spend five minutes admiring the finished blanket ( I like it ! ) before going to get washed and dressed . I don 't have the energy to wash my hair , but doubt I 'll be seeing anyone today anyway . 11 am ish - I am back on the sofa watching more telly ( Country House Rescue or something ? ) and fancying going back to bed . I am very tiredPosted by A while back my sister sent me a link to this song and I was instantly transported back to being in the car with our parents in the eighties . January February was on some sort of compilation tape ( the only tape in the car from what I can remember ! ) along with this song by Cliff Richard . Classy . . . We used to get so excited about going away in the car in the summer holidays . The only holidays we ever went on really were to stay with our grandparents in Islay , which involved about eight hours in the car before we even got to the ferry . Once our mum had worn out the Cliff and Barbara tape , my sister and I would sing all the way . For weeks before we set off Kerry and I would plan the journey meticulously . A big part of this was writing a numbered list of all the hundreds of songs we knew and stapling it together into a booklet , complete with illustrated cover . We 'd get our mum and dad to pick a number and then sing the corresponding song . Particular favourites included Ging Gang Gooly ( with our self - choreographed hand dance , which I can still remember ) , An Austrian Went Yodling , I Love To Go A - Wandering and the song from the Skol advert . The lyrics for this were , " Skol , Skol , Skol , Skol . Skol , Skol , Skol , Skol . Why aren 't you singing ? Because I 've forgotten the words . " Our poor parents . . . Then again , they did make us listen to Cliff and Barbara ! for mash get smash , a photo by dropstitch on Flickr . Actually , if you 're craving embroidered potatoes for dinner , I 'm afraid you 're too late to get one of my Smash embroideries as I sold the last one this week . I 'm tempted to make another , but don 't think I will . I have so much stuff that I 've made taking up space in my house and brain and I 'm loathe to make more stuff that I will have to look after for months / years before someone decides they want to give it a new home . Hmm , it 's tricky . I haven 't done a market in ages , so it would probably be good to do one of those and sell plenty of stuff in a lump sum . Of course , I know I 'd end up panicking and making a million new things before the market so would end up with more stock at the end of the day ! At the moment I could definitely and essentially do with more money and less clutter , so I suppose a super - duper sale in my etsy shop could be the way to go . . . But I don 't really think a super - duper sale would lead to super - duper sales , if you see what I mean . I 'd probably sell at the same slow rate and just make even less money for it . Hmmm . If I don 't get called in to work tomorrow ( please , please , please let me not get called in ! ) then perhaps I should have a bit of a tidy - up / stock - take and work out the lay of the land then . Crafting can be such a complicated hobby ! Does anyone else have this problem , or does it only apply to a jack of all crafts like myself ? p . s . I do still have a Test Card Girl embroidery and a Thames TV embroidery in my shop if anyone wants to help me clear out and indulge their telly nostalgia at the same time ; ) Reason number one . Recently one of my colleagues , Helen , made this amazing tennis - ball cake to celebrate the Wimbledon final . How great is that ? ! It tasted just as good on the inside as it looked on the outside - chocolatey deliciousness ! Reason number two . I have had rather a lot of DVD subtitling shifts lately ( as opposed to TV subtitling shifts ) and this is not generally a good thing , but I spent most of last week subtitling Lost Land Of The Tiger / Jaguar / Volcano , which were all really interesting . They found loads of amazing animals and new species , but the best thing of all about these programmes was Dr George McGavin the insect expert , pictured above in his element with a large moth on his face . I am seriously smitten with him and his accent and his enthusiasm for insects and life in general . Dear BBC , please make more programmes featuring George ! Reason number three . When I arrived at work last night , another colleague , Emma , told me she had had a dream about me and that it was probably the nicest dream she had ever had . She was at some sort of event with lots of stuff happening and part of that was a craft fair . Instead of stationary stalls , all the makers brought their own little wagon full of goodies . I was there and my wagon was pulled by a real live donkey covered in wrapping paper . My speciality was for making animals pretending to be other animals and Emma especially liked my dog pretending to be a monkey . Then her sister came in and said there was a room full of ballerinas who wouldn 't start dancing until Emma went to watch them . When she went into the ballerina room , they were all holding plates and plates full of cakes . Her sister said , " The ballerinas won 't eat any cakes , so we 'll have to eat them all . " Then Emma woke up feeling really happy . That does sound like a very nice dream , if you ask me , and I was delighted to be in it : ) I could probably give you more than three reasons not to like my job at the moment ( the main ones being that it is SO HOT IN THERE and I keep having to do late shifts and jPosted by My sister now has eleven cats in her house - two mums and nine ( yes , nine ! ) kittens . This means she had to buy eleven doses of worming tablets this week , but on the upside it means that I get emailed the cutest kitten pictures ever and can share them with you . This wee black and white one is the runt of the first litter and really reminds me of Poppy , who was also a black and white runt ( and kind of still is ) . Apparently this little kitten is working really hard to be loved and a campaign is being plotted by my sister and the children to keep this one , even though the official family line is that all kittens must be rehomed . I think there are a few grey cats in the first litter , all boys if I remember rightly . I think this one looks like a boy anyway ! This one certainly knows how to strike a pose that highlights its teeny - tiny vulnerability . Aw ! Eep ! This one is definitely my favourite . I wish you could send kittens by post . I 'd take this one for sure if you could . All three children are really loving the kittens now that the first litter are old enough to want to play , but apparently Ruth ( my youngest niece ) is loving them most of all . I know how she feels - I kind of want to eat them too ! I am back in one of those stages where I have a long list of things I 've been meaning to blog about and I 'm sure some of them will have to slip by the wayside , but I will try to return soon to share the finished granny square blanket ( just got a wee border to crochet ) and an amazing cake made by a colleague . In the meantime , feel free to look at the kittens on at least a thrice - daily basis : ) We are so excited about the start of the Tour de France in our house that I made a little bike - inspired treasury on etsy to celebrate . This was a very easy treasury to put together as the majority of bike - related items had a cheery greatness about them , so I had plenty to choose from after one quick search . Looks like I 'm attracted to yellow at the minute too ! Graham ( and his friends ) have loved the Tour de France for ever . I always hated it when I was growing up and it was shown on Channel 4 , partly because it seemed unbelievably dull and partly because it meant all the good shows like The Wonder Years weren 't on for weeks on end . Since knowing Graham , I 've gradually come to understand the attraction a bit more and have really enjoyed it over the last few years . The tactics and soap operas are great ( it helps having an expert on hand to explain - I still had a lot of questions even last night ) and I love watching mountain stages and sprint finishes . Plus the spectators and graffiti are really entertaining . There are lots of great old - school elements too , for example the way the cyclists grab newspapers from the spectators and shove them up their tops before starting a scary descent after a long climb . What other sport has world - class athletes using something as everyday as a newspaper as part of their equipment ? This year I think I will be supporting Andy Schleck . I was rooting for him last year and after the shocking chain incident of 2010 I think he deserves the win this time around . Oh , how I laughed at Contador 's misfortune yesterday ! Serves you right , Alberto ! Given that Alberto Contador was my favourite a few years back , though , I wouldn 't be surprised if my allegiances change halfway through the course . I still don 't really know what 's going on half the time , so reserve the right to be fickle ! Anyway , go and have a look at my lovely bike treasury : ) I 'll be back later with news of a day 's charity shopping yesterday . I like sewing and drawing and cutting and sticking and printing and messing about on the computer and crochet and knitting ( kind of ) . I try to blog about things I 'm making , but mostly I end up blogging about anything I 'm finding interesting : things other people are making , charity shopping , films , music , books , the city I live in , my cats . . . Since having a little girl , I 've found she has kind of taken over my life and therefore my blog too . Your comments are always much appreciated and I reply to them in the comments section , so do check back . Thanks for stopping by ! Just a quick update on what 's new with my shops . Polymer Stamps Lots of characters have been going out of stock but now they 're all back . Buy a matching . . . Plush Of The Month Club boxes for quarter one shipped on March 1st . Since it felt like Spring would be just around the corner I went with a garden theme . T . . . Would you like to win a thing ? I bet you jolly well would . Luckily I have a copy of the latest Spaces book by my pals at Fr . . . Describe yourself in 5 words . Do . Not . Fuck . With . Me . Bingo . Instant download cross stitch chart available to purchase now . Stitch your own personal mot . . . Suddenly a billy goat appeared . A very distinguished goat . It was not my plan , he is not on my list or schedule and I probably should have been doing somet . . . Hi there ! It 's been over a year since I posted here and I hadn 't really missed it until recently . I think Instagram 's heavy dose of irrelevant and spammy . . . Hi friends ! I so happy today to be able to share with you my latest pattern - the Tegwyn Cowl ! The Tegwyn Cowl is a super textured open work cowl - perfect . . . Here are some fake womens magazine covers I made for a project that is on hold . I thought I may as well share them . I 've go . . . Do you love doodling , dressing - up play , books , making new friends ? Well , we 've got it all in The Teddy Bear Book ! A book to make your imaginary bear frie . . . Happy Thursday folks . I guess today is my Friday , no school tomorrow Oscar just informed me this morning . Not sure when I became clueless out of the loop m . . . When I was pregnant the big thing all the kids at school would ask me - particularly the girls - was , ' Are you scared ? About the labour ? ' My stock response . . . You may have seen this already . It 's probably the main reason I have been lax in the blogging department . But if you haven 't seen it , here is the formal in . . . Dear friends , the time has come . This blog is going into retirement . I 'm packing it a suitcase stuffed with coral golf shirts , pumpkin plaid shorts , and w . . .

I 've never been able to say it like this . I wish I could . It 's perfect . With some insight ( and friends who have helped make these neighborhoods feel like home ) this is the coolest list ever . You can thank me for this later . And the list is out . . . and I nearly pooped my pants . Seriously , I did . . . just a little , but still . Oh snap . . . look what just came in the mail ! My little friend Jack would be so proud of me . That wasn 't a euphemism either . I actually have a skinny little friend named Jack . Also , I can 't believe I just said , " oh snap . " That 's embarrassing . I was front row and center for this . . . well , in my living room . There was NO WAY I was missing the prodigal son 's return home . . . no way . Unbelievable . . . just , wow . Quite possibly the coolest scarf ever . . . and by ever I mean , you know , ever . Thank you very much . I 'm not sure if I 've got one , but if I did . . . Forget Tebow , this is the sports story of the year . If you 're looking for us next weekend , we 'll be here . . . and then here . For the rest of my life . . . I woke up this morning to a somewhat less than Olympic - esque medal ceremony . Zo had dug out some old medals of mine that I 'd thrown in the trash , and was busy wearing an old hockey one around her neck . I was then rather abruptly handed an ancient lacrosse medal and then told in no uncertain terms that we were both champions . . . obviously . There are definitely worse ways to wake up to a Friday than impromptu medal ceremonies . Zed : Daddy , do you know what a champion is ? Daddy : Yes , I do . Do you ? Zed : Yes , I do . It 's when you win all of the races . Daddy : Yes , it 's something like that . Are you going to be a champion someday ? Zed : Yes , I am . The exchange was followed by breakfast and a rousing sing - a - long of Hail To The Victors , started by Zed , I might add . Somehow our daughter woke up re - incarnated as Natalie Coughlin , or whoever might be the female equivalent of Michael Phelps . . . let 's go with Natalie Coughlin . Now , it seems that I 'm required to go to work wearing my medal . This should be interesting . Follow up : It was interesting . . . very interesting indeed . When you 're a kid you 're desperate for a medal . If you were awarded one you 'd wear it everywhere , like a second skin . . . but as adults we 're quite disinclined to sport them around without reason . Trust me , it changes your attitude when you do . A man that wears medals to work is , well , he 's hard to stop . Zo was a first rate freak flying kites this afternoon for no less than an hour . We eventually sat on the park 's play equipment to take a short break and she stared up at me and beamed , " This is a really good day Dad . I love kites . " Me too . . . and yes , it is . Last week , while sitting in the car , trying to muster up some calm . . . trying to round up the courage to step out into the bright sunshine and face another couple of hours of . . . whatever . . . and I had an idea . I reached for some paper , and I started scribbling . Before I knew it I had twenty something pages of The Mustachioed Boy , and an idea of what each page looked like . It was good . Good enough to put the few people that I shared it with in stitches . I could close my eyes and see almost every page . That 's how I muster up the strength to step into other people 's lives sometimes . I imagine things . I make things up . I tell myself stories , and scribble , and squint at blank pages . Sometimes the only way to find enthusiasm is to remind myself that inside of me . . . in all of us . . . is a bottomless well of incredible creativity and positivity . . . kid stuff , at least , that 's probably the last time that you tapped into it . I crack the shell on that incredibleness all the time . The problem is that I never do anything with it . I 'm never pushed to make something of it , a nd there 's a lot of it . The Mustachioed Boy . . . hmm , I don 't know where he came from . I only know that he was a good guy to think about before I talked that kid into rehab . . . before his Mom cried and cried and cried , I tried to forget just how not good some people 's lives are . The Mustachioed Boy helped . Pencils and paper . . . ideas . . . they help . It 's the post - scribbling , idea hangover that I need to work on . It 's strange how some of us manage things . . . just what our release valves look like . Apparently mine looks like a little boy with a mustache . Daughter of mine . . . How is it that you can be this staggeringly beautiful ? How many boys are going to do their best to break your heart ? How many will manage it ? What happens if you cultivate a personality and soul that matches these blue eyes and blond hair ? Who does that attract and who might it scare away ? Those things used to scare the pants off of your Dad . How do you look in a mirror and keep one foot grounded while the other floats into the clouds as we hope it might ? My God , your a beautiful little girl . I don 't even care how biased and self - congratulatory that sounds . You 're perfect , and the thoughts that swirl around that make me dizzy . Today is Baachan 's birthday , although yesterday was her blow out the candles day , today is the day . She 's a cool lady , that Baachan . She is . Her children adore her . Her granddaughter loves her , and listens to her . . . a pretty important combo , and her son - in - law finds her quiet , comforting presence the kind of thing that just eases your mind . She 's fun , and fun is too often underrated . Life 's too short not to have your own Baachan . We 'd lend you ours but we 're using her . Happy Birthday Baachan . We 've tried you on for an enormous chunk of our lives and you fit quite nicely . I guess we 'll keep you . Zed is registered for Pre - School . . . now we just have to hang on tight and hope that she gets in . It 's French Immersion . . . it 's down the street . . . it 's tough to get a spot . . . it 's beyond exciting to her . School . . . she says it all dreamy , only half understanding that it 's really only half school , kinda sorta anyway , but regardless . . . she gets pretty smiley . Mom gets smiley too . Dad ? Dad likes watching the girls get smiley . We won 't know if she 's officially " accepted " into the La ribambelle French Preschool Program until May , so we 're crossing our fingers , speaking more French , and planting a ridiculous amount of school seeds in Zed 's rapidly filling head . Sometimes we just grab both pig - tails and cram it full of awesome , you know , as much as we can stuff in . . . like that old marshmallow mouth stuffing game from camp that had kids choking all the way to Emergency Rooms . . . except with knowledge and , you know , hopefully no choking . Au revoir . . . for now . Daddy and daughter - Niagara Falls , Canada - March 2012 " It appears to be a female . . . " Thats what the report from the Ultrasound Technician said . That 's what our midwife maintained . June texted me while I was driving home from work , about an hour away , and texting and driving laws don 't apply when you 're giving your husband baby news , particularly gender news . " It appears to be a female . " And with those simple six words it appears as though I will spend the rest of my life living in a house full of estrogen . It appears as though I will be hopelessly outnumbered on all issues that might have been typically a gender related split decision . It appears as though it will be Mummy , Daddy , daughter , and . . . . other daughter . Mummy and Zo - Niagara Falls , Canada - March 2012Mummy , Zo , and this awesome little player to be named later will officially comprise 75 % of this family , a definite house majority , and so now Daddy must begin to better understand the politics of being a minority . Mummy and girls will almost certainly hold veto power on all vacations , weekend activities , movie selections , and dinner choices . Daddy may have to learn some new tricks . This could get interesting . How many beach days does a guy get in March living in the Midwest ? The answer is very likely just a handful . . . until this year . We 've spent the entire week soaking up sun and very often with sand between our toes . It 's the benefit of stepping into your front yard and being able to see the lake just down the road . We 've grilled dinner , skipped rocks , played in the park , and scootered for what seems like a full month earlier than ever before . Eighty degree days in March is a bit like winning the lottery , it 's just that you have to share your winnings with the rest of Southwestern Ontario . This winter and Spring you can keep your West Coast whatever . We might have you beat . Read this , and then after you 're done throwing up in your own mouth because people can be SO ridiculous and judgmental , and let 's be honest so up - f # % & ing - tight . We 're smack dab in the middle of a difficult name hunt for our second child and it 's difficult enough without throwing gender stereotypes and archaic social norms into the mix . Names fit and work , or they don 't . . . boys . . . girls . . . weird inspirations and joe regular preferences . . . whatever . A boy named Chelsea works if the boy is a beyond a doubt a Chelsea . Maybe his parents are enormous soccer fans ? Maybe Mom and Dad met in that very neighborhood in Manhattan ? Maybe his parents just like the sound of it . Who cares ? If Chelsea is Chelsea then why are you worried about it ? We 're hoping to raise children who are happy and helpful and curious and enthusiastic . . . who are kind and thoughtful and content , and although their names are important . . . names are oh - so important . . . what matters most is how they make others feel about that name . . . not how the name makes others feel about them . In that case , there 's not a damn thing wrong with a boy named Chelsea . The title came from a blog post I stumbled into that was discussing a much more gender blurred name trend occurring around the globe , and it stuck in my head , and to a certain extent , my heart . Get busy helping your child make their name a memorable one because of their personality and actions and leave your Grandfather 's stereotypes where they belong . . . in old , dusty photo albums where every boy was named John . After Zoey 's disastrous evening of rough and tumble fun , and the subsequent knee wound that had her howling , we 've decided to write a story together . . . it 's called " First Scrape , Worst Scrape , " and it 's an introduction to scrapes , scabs and all - around rough and tumbleness . Zo lost her mind with this first big scrape . . . lost it . She 's never really scraped herself up before . . . little nicks and bruises etc . . . but never a full - on knee scrape . She toughed it out , but not until after she vocalized her displeasure with this new phenomenon of missing skin . " It hurts SOOOO bad , " she exclaimed , followed by substantial wailing and an abundance of tears , " SOOOOO bad ! " We got it Zo . . . it hurts . Now suck it up and let 's go write a story . And she did . Baby # 2 . . . or as we are more inclined to call you , " our player to be named later , " we 're having a very difficult time naming you . Of course we thought that we might know your gender earlier today , but one of those strict , follow the rules type Ultrasound Techs wanted no part of enlightening us . Now we 're completely dependent on either our mid - wife or yet another ultrasound . Boo , I say . Regardless , knowing the gender does nothing toward solving our name conundrum , and that 's where the fun comes in . We 're officially asking people to help us . That 's right , we need some help . We 'd be much more than excited to hear some suggestions . We 're that stuck , and it 's frustrating . So get your baby naming groove on , and chuck us an idea or two . If we choose your name we 'll also give you the honor of paying for that child 's college tuition . That 's how we roll . . . super generous , all the time . " NO , " but I think Zoey is . Our intention to to take our selfishness down a notch or two in slow , much less than spontaneous stages . No dog . . . not yet . But our loaner , Bo is doing his best to convince otherwise . Sometimes I wonder if I 'm a bit of a different sports fan ? Probably not . I 'm probably no different than a million others , but sometimes it feels like it . I feel particular connections to players more than I do to teams . . . to individuals and personalities , and I as such I fell hard for Derek Fisher . That 's why I was dumbstruck sitting on a dirty sofa in our crooked , creaking rented Brooklyn apartment a few days ago when I heard the news . My heart sank and I couldn 't find the right words to explain what it was that I was feeling . I felt something similar when the Detroit Tigers traded Curtis Granderson . . . and when the Edmonton Oilers dealt Ryan Smyth . . . and perhaps most grandly , and most distantly when those same Oilers traded away Wayne Gretzky , or when the New York Knicks shuffled Patrick Ewing off into the mist and damp of Seattle . I was hurt and emotionally paralyzed , seemingly not skilled enough at managing my own affections to put such sudden and surprising events in proper perspective , but this time , this deal has left me eviscerated . I haven 't been able to muster a thought about it all . . . and then I read Bill Plaschke 's LA Times piece . It read in part : Responding to the pleas for a blockbuster trade , the Lakers answered their critics Thursday with a whopper . They traded their soul . The Lakers traded Derek Fisher , and if you are having trouble swallowing those five words , say them in point - four seconds and you 'll really choke on it . The Lakers traded Derek Fisher , and it feels so wrong , it feels so cheap , and I don 't care if he was aging , and slowing , and sliding toward the end of the bench . He was still Derek Fisher . He was still the guy who could turn final seconds into lasting memories . He was still the coolest guy on the floor and the smartest guy in the room . He wasn 't just the Lakers point guard , he was their conscience , the only guy who ever stole a sideline huddle from Phil Jackson , the only player who others respected enough to treat like a coach . He wasn 't just Kobe Bryant 's keeper , he was his buffer , constaposted by Brian DeWagner at 6 : 59 PM 0 Comments It 's a long drive , and you feel instantly removed from the enormous urban universe you were just orbiting in , but it was nice to cross the bridge at Niagara and start shuffling home . We missed Michigan 's early exit from the Tourney , and had to enjoy Duke 's similar fate via cell phone updates , but we did manage to make it back in time to catch the Lakers game , and after 24 hours of feeling betrayed with the Derek Fisher trade , I was humbled because I liked the new guy . June slipped right off to bed while I iced my knee and eased my emotional burden back into perspective . It 's funny , when I was in NY I paid almost no attention to the sports page , and I 'm back in the Midwest two hours and I 'm clinging to my phone looking for scores . I 've forever believed John Steinbeck to be the greatest gift to literature that North America has ever mustered . I can 't help but read even a single passage and get goosebumps , or long for a California that you can only know so intimately if you 've let her into your heart as Steinbeck had . His work is masculine and yet overwhelmingly sentimental and emotional . He 's long been , for me , something of an ideal voice for every man . In November of 1958 , the esteemed author of East of Eden , The Grapes of Wrath , and Of Mice and Men , received an emotionally charged letter from his then teenage son Thom , in which the young man confessed that he had fallen oh - so desperately in love with a young woman at his boarding school named Susan . The legendary author wrote this beautiful and touching letter back to his son that very same day . . . New YorkNovember 10 , 1958Dear Thom : We had your letter this morning . I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers . First - - if you are in love - - that 's a good thing - - that 's about the best thing that can happen to anyone . Don 't let anyone make it small or light to you . Second - - There are several kinds of love . One is a selfish , mean , grasping , egotistical thing which uses love for self - importance . This is the ugly and crippling kind . The other is an outpouring of everything good in you - - of kindness and consideration and respect - - not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable . The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength , and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn 't know you had . You say this is not puppy love . If you feel so deeply - - of course it isn 't puppy love . But I don 't think you were asking me what you feel . You know better than anyone . What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it - - and that I can tell you . Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it . The object of love is the best and most beposted by Brian DeWagner at 8 : 42 PM 0 Comments If you like books and you 've never been to The Strand on Broadway in New York then you should pack a bag , make a payment to your credit card , and get to this book lovers Mecca as fast as you possibly can . It 's incredible . For years now The Strand may have been our most favorite bookstore , aside from the now defunct Lincoln Center Barnes & Noble store . It 's amazing , floor after floor of awesome , and the staff are like book savants . I have a few friends ( Beth Skinner ) who would step on strangers necks to enjoy this kind of literary valhalla . We actually walked out of the store without a single book or toy , but it was difficult . . . very difficult . We considered scooping up Oliver Jeffers most recent picture book , Stuck , but left it on the table in our awkward hurry to avoid the 3 : 30pm storytime rush of toddlers , unforgiving , overbearing parents with doouble wide strollers and mid - town attitudes . We made a quick exit from the children 's section before it got ugly . It was an easy day that began with less swelling , and was then followed by a short F Train ride up to Washington Square and the New Era store . . . a cool consignment store raid by Zoey and June at Clementine , and a walk up Broadway to The Strand and Union Square . I limped a lot . The swelling came back ( and with it the pain ) , and it was nice to grab the F back home . It was a crowded , end - of - the - day train ride back to Bergen Street , and Zed sat all alone like a champ . She even slipped into full - on casual New Yorker attitude when she started reading her neighbors newspaper . She made quick note that the subway was full of boys and wondered when we could get off . It didn 't take long before we could and we poured ourselves back into the apartment and settled in for our last sixteen or so hours in the city and a night full of some NCAA Basketball Tournament games and rest . Zoey even filled out a bracket , with Mom 's help , and despite a big wide awesome city waiting outside our window , we 're excited to ignore it and just watch some basketball with an excited little funsterposted by Brian DeWagner at 7 : 04 PM 1 Comments Maybe more cute than the first pic . Scootering is such terribly tiring work . Stamina and an appropriate level of cuteness are key , supplemented , of course , with a nice place to sit . Naturally , sitting like a little lady counts too . Zoey has her first scooter . . . a Mini - Kick Scooter , all the rage here in this family friendly borough , and at $ 80 each , we 'd better have more kids to diffuse the cost . They looked SO fun and are super easy for a three year old to get used to , so . . . in the words of Aunt Netta . . . " woot , woot , scoot , scoot ! " Beside all that , she looks ridiculously cute all decked out in helmet and Chucks . Her scooter was also a nice little friend magnet . It took about three minutes for Zoey and Lyla to become BFFs and scoot around Carroll Park like some kind of pre - school bike gang . It 's a miracle either could even stand up what with the size of the helmets on their wobbly heads . They looked like extra - terrestrials , only dressed more fashionably . They even found themselves a secret bat cave type hideout for those moments when scootering just wasn 't cutting it . The head gear stayed on , of course , it 's practically Zo 's favorite part of scootering . There were no boys allowed , and with school being dismissed for the day and Carroll Park turning into something more akin to Woodstock than a quiet kid - friendly park , they needed a good hiding spot . Take our humble advice and don 't catch yourself dead in a Brooklyn park at school dismissal time , when the sun is shining and the weather is warm . Despite the tsumani of public elementary school teens and pre - teens , it was a quiet , slow day . We walked up Smith , ducking into the odd store , we dropped some of our lunch money into Trader Joe 's greedy hands , and then limped back down Court Street for our scooter purchase , and lunch in the park . Daddy barely managed that . It 's been a painful few days , and his Championship attitude is going the way of Mike Dantoni and the Knicks . He 's just not up to it . We miss Luke , Heather , Jack , and Macy already . They were such gamers and easy company . However , the sad truth of the matter is that even if they 'd stayed a few more days in the city one of us would have been incapacitated . . . me . I suppose that we could have hosted them to an afternoon in Carroll Park , and some posted by Brian DeWagner at 4 : 08 PM 3 Comments Has there ever been a place with more opportunities to snap stellar photos than New York ? Maybe not . So here you go . . . more random shots from the week that was . . . All caught up in the madness . . . LinsanityHappiest girl alive - Macy and Zo at the Central Park ZooCentral Park goats are hilarious according to ZoTaking in TImes Square - Kobe , Jack , and MeloZoo girls - Heather , Zed , and MacyEmpire State Building - Macy playing Miyachi in Bryant ParkZoey and Macy ripping off an affectionate smootch on the carousel at Bryant ParkZoey and Macy some semblance of chopsticks play on the piano at FAO SchwarzCentral Park Zoo sign - Zo , people watching in Bryant ParkStorytime with Macy - Bryant Park , NYCSurprise kiss for Heather - 42nd Street / Bryant Park stationThe view from Bryant Park . . . there aren 't many that are better . . . . and that 's it . The Cooper - Doerings leave for Guelph on Wednesday . Those were a really nice , really chill couple of days . We 'll hang out with that family anytime ! Photogenic and fun . . . envious combo . Luke , Jack , Heather , and Macy - Staten Island FerryThe Cooper Family . . . not my own " Cooper " family . . . but the Super - duper Coopers from Fergus , Ontario , have felt like my own family since meeting Andrew a decade or so ago . Now his parents and sisters are people I set on the heavy side of my respect and affection scale , and how cool is it to be spending the day with them in Manhattan . . . when we 've rarely been able to spend any amount of time with them at home ? Kind of super - duper cool . There 's this weird intersection where serendipity and purpose cross paths and Zoey and Macy behaving like sisters , while Jack and Luke and myself yapped endlessly , and June and Heather walked side by side through most of lower Manhattan . John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale couldn 't be any more serendipitous . We met Luke and Heather and the funsters at the Staten Island Ferry Terminal and went for a short there and back hoot past Lady Liberty and Governor 's Island , and fell into things as though we had been neighbors for a half decade . They 're easy people to spend time with . Zo and Macy quickly became friends , as Macy 's was the hand of choice to hold , and we tore into the waning hours of the afternoon together . We wandered around Soho and up into the Village , downed some stellar grub and then ended the night watching Macy and Zo dance to the fairly mesmerizing notes of a cellist playing in Washington Square . It was perfect . Life doesn 't approach that adjective quite as easily as it did tonight all that often . . . but when it does . . . . . . when it does , do your best to remember it . Luke and Heather have a pretty incredible little family . Both Jack and Macy are stellar kids , and they 're all oh - so fun , each and every one . You could have a good day with any combination of their happy family , and perfect nights are easy to accomplish when the players are so aptly cast . Tomorrow it 's Central Park with the same family of beautiful miscreants . . . life sucks . Three days can go by awfully fast . First there was that embarrassingly quick retreat from Friday 's work and into a cramped car hurtling towards Buffalo however much of New York State it could eat up before we felt the need to sleep . Then it was tumbling into New York on Saturday via the George Washington Bridge , and losing no time finding our apartment . . . the one with the white door . Lastly it was jumping on the F train and shooting into Manhattan to crowd our day with sunshine and Feldmans . Throw in a a strange and awkwardly painful bout of what seems to be bursitis in my good knee ( we will no longer be referring to it as that ) , and a little girl that 's so excited to be here that she wakes up at 4am most days , and runs down busy Manhattan streets holding hands with crazy little all - or - nothing Jewish girls toward unforgiving Broadway traffic because , well , between the two of them they own this town . Julia does because she lives here , and Zoey just thinks she does . BAM . . . before you know it . . . it 's Monday . Julia and Zo rolling through the Green Flea in Manhattan , like they 've known each other their entire lives . Zo has been on cloud nine . I honestly think we come here more for her most times . She is bursting with smiles and enthusiasm , even more than her usually nauseatingly happy disposition allows , and she 's infatigable . A full day of strolling around the Upper West side after a marathon drive , playing in Central Park , and sprinting the city streets with her new bestie , Julia , and she 's begging to stay awake at 10pm , even as Mummy and Daddy fade into incoherence . This most definitely is her town .

The breakfast buffet was fantastic The servers were the greatest ! We didn 't get what we actually ordered but paid any way . I ordered a western omelette and bacon . But my omelette had extra onions on it and was torn apart . For my wife I ordered two eggs , bacon and a pancake . The pancake was missing and we ask for salt and pepper and hot sauce and never got it as well . They were busy I understand but to pay for a meal incomplete and wrong rubbed me a little bit the wrong way . Reviewed Jun 2017 8 . 0 I loved the staff . So helpful , and friendly . Very accommodating . Just really great people overall . Room could have been cleaner . Bathroom smelled like Pee , and my wife found a tiny rubber band in the bathtub . Neither of us wear braces . Other than that expect to pay typical hotel prices for everything . Overpricing is sadly the norm at places like these . Reviewed Aug 2016 9 . 4 Hotel is clean , has multiple on - site restaurants including Atlanta 's only Tiki Bar , service is prompt and is connected by Slybridge to The Marriot Marquis convention center / hotel . They recently removed their pool and are in the process of installing a large conference center instead . The pillows on the bed are on the flat side and difficult to sleep on , but the front desk is able to get you extra pillows . Tha Executive floor perks were great Whatever issues we had with our room were dealt with quickly The bathroom faucets leaked . The beds and pillows were too soft fo me . Reviewed Aug 2016 6 . 5 This hotel should be closed while being remodeled . The smells noise and dirt are awful . The noise was truly unbearable . And my room was not remodeled . Sticky floor that I asked to be cleaned and never was . Old beat up furniture . Leaky faucets . Toilet that wouldn 't stop running . You 'd think it was a roadside motel that rented rooms by the hour . Reviewed Jan 2017 10 . 0 Went there for a concert . We could walk to the Georgia Dome . We were able to valet car and walk to restaurants / bars . Reviewed Jul 2016 more reviews it was a nice room and pool . no where to park except down the street at midnight in downtown atlanta with my daughter . we first sat for 45 minutes to get into the mariott only to find out they had no parking because it was full and so we had to go down the street park in a parking garage , and walk back two blocks with our luggage at midnight . I will next year stay someplace that offers more to there guests . I was disappointed also in the staff very unhelpful , I just was not impressed at all with what I got for my money I like being close to the Atlanta area . I like the building architecture and the modern furniture . After getting our key room , the reception attendant was not too clear about our floor number or room number , so we got of course in the wrong elevator ( I had all the bags and three small kids ) . It was a little frustrating I wished more hospitality and clarity for our first time there . . . Then the next day the alarm clock in the next room to ours started beeping at 5am with no one there to turn it off . I had to call the guest services to ask for someone to turn it off . Of course all the kids I had sleeping with me woke up at 5am ! ! ! not the way you want to sleep at a 5 star hotel ! Reviewed Nov 2016 6 . 2 Big hotel . Accommodated my early arrival . False alarm went off at 5 : 30am , waking all guests . It was not resolved until about 20 mins later . Reviewed Nov 2015 10 . 0 Room was very clean . Comfortable bed . Air worked great . There was alot going on at the hotel that weekend but check in was pretty quick and the riom was extremely quiet . We didn 't know the limit until we had already booked and gotten the itinerary . Very inconvenient and we had to pay for 2 hotel rooms because we could not cancel . The staff we spoke to on the phone were unpleasant . We were calling to let them know we were going to be arriving late and it turned out we couldn 't stay there at all . It would have been nice to know the fine print about the pet friendly hotel before I booked and paid . Reviewed Dec 2016 3 . 4 My reservation was ready . Elevator was not working most of the time , there was a tear on the carpet by the balcony , I was adviced to use the stairs after waiting for several minutes on the only working elevator . Walked to the 14th floor and my card didn 't work . I called front desk right away for a replacement card . They explained that they will send someone up , 30min later , nothing , I went downstairs and the staff was short and lazy . I politely asked for a replacement card and asked if there is any kind of compensation for all the inconveniences that happened . Front desk said there is nothing they can do . It is very unlikely I 'll get a room there again . Excellent location , and services . The rooms seem very dated ( south tower ) . Wallpaper peeling , dark look . Bar area is nice , but staff seemed to not want to be there and it showed in the service . Sat at the bar and had an unpleasant smell . Reviewed May 2017 4 . 0 Lobby was nice & location was good The carpet was stained and worn , and so was the furniture . The tub was so clogged that the water backed up to your ankles even in a quick shower . Valet never answered the phone and was slow even when there were four or five guys standing around . Self park is not even an option . Check - in was slow . View was horrible - we had an inside facing room . I 've had nicer stays at budget hotels . Don 't expect much from this place . Every amenity is charged separately . Only thing I liked was convenient location and the service was very friendly . I can 't believe this hotel has 4 stars . It barely feels like a hotel and its quite impersonal . The CNN aspect is interesting but the building feels like an office with the hotel as an after thought . The rooms are super out of date and there are no outlets that are easily accessible near the bed which is super annoying for plugging in devices . Also , you have to pay $ 15 / day for internet . SERIOUSLY ! Internet should be free and included in the price , PERIOD . The nickel and dimming is super annoying . It reflects how out of date the hotel is . I 'm not sure how other ATL hotels are but I 'd encourage you to find a better place to stay . I really hope ATL has better options than this place . Reviewed Oct 2016 10 . 0 Close enough we were able to walk to the venue and several choices of restaurants nearby . $ 35 added for required valet parking with almost an hour wait for our car to be retrieved . Reviewed Nov 2016 9 . 4 Location is great . Easy walk to Phillips Arena and other attractions in the area . Valet parking attendants were wonderful ! ! Booked online thru hotels . com . Reserved a deluxe double room , with 2 double beds . Got the two beds , in a tiny single room with moldy bathroom in which the tub barely drains while showering , for $ 358 . 00 . Extra charge for internet ! ! I loved Jazzy J in the club lounge ! He was SO AMAZING ! BEAUTIFUL Spirit ! Supurb customer service ! I loved the indoor pool garden ! Wish there was a sauna . We are frequent Sheraton customers and specifically went out of our way to stay here at the Atlanta Sheraton . The parking is a joke . You have to park far from hotel then take a small path down a small car ramp and with kids and luggage it 's not only scary it 's dangerous . The hotel wasn 't as clean as most Sheratons but most of all the rooms were extremely noisy . We could not sleep at all with the noise . Will not stay here again . On a positive note the pool was nice . Not clean Location and price . We requested 2 beds and a pull out or cot on this website . We were told that that set up was a fire hazard and no room in that hotel was set up like the one we requested . We were given the " hospitality suite " which consisted of a bed that pulled down from the wall , a pull out couch , and a cot they had to roll in . There were no actual beds . Reviewed Sep 2016 4 . 0 I love the location and I have always felt safe here . I have had issues staying in Atlanta in the past , but fortunately , I have never had issues at this hotel . Parking was not included in the price of the hotel . I wish I knew this as I was booking instead of finding out at check in . Reviewed Mar 2017 8 . 8 We loved the setups of the room , pool was amazing kids loved it . Did not like paying for self parking , valet parking I understand bt paying for self parking wasn 't use to that . Reviewed Feb 2017 8 . 2 This is the 2nd Westin I 've stayed in and they have both been great . At this one in particular , the staff was super nice and I had a very good experience . The bed was amazing . Beautiful hotel from the outside too . The room wasn 't as big as I was expecting and I had hoped for a bathroom as nice as the one I stayed in in St . Louis . It had a big walk in shower while the one in Atlanta was a standard tub you can find in any hotel . Reviewed Mar 2017 5 . 4 The valet parking and baggage storage staff were very friendly and helpful , but the check in receptionist was cold and impersonal . For these prices , WIFI should be free . Period . I loved how accommodating and welcoming they are for pets . The cost of the room based on the size . Was expecting something much bigger for the cost of the room . Incredible views . Within walking distance of almost everything Atlanta has to offer . Friendly staff , quick to respond to any requests at any time of the day / night . Our AC unit lost power at 11pm , they had it working by 11 : 30pm . ORDER A DRINK at the bar on the 73rd floor and then sit back and relax while the room rotates , giving you the best view of every part of the city . Worth the money . Only complaint - the beds in the double queen rooms are small , and do not comfortably sleep two adults . Reviewed Aug 2016 8 . 0 I like the fact that is in the city , and I didn 't had to rent a car everything is just there great location . But the room that I got its wasn 't clean everything just was dasty the sheet was very dirty I don 't think that hotel with high quality like the say but honestly it 's wasn 't athe all I 'll give it rate 5 star only because the location was great . Reviewed Aug 2016 10 . 0 Excellent front desk and bell staff . Plenty of rooms for early check - in . Room balcony doors actually open so you can get a breeze and see the city . Excellent location for getting all around the city . The interactive TV menu is cumbersome , the mouse on the remote is crap and takes like a million spins to get anything done . Its just not very usable sometimes . The staff was very friendly and accommodating . Very polite . Even the cleaning crew when you meet them in the hall they all said good morning have a great day . I forgot to leave my keys in my car one night when we got in and they sent a security office named Erin to my room to get my keys and very polite . I told them I was so sorry he said no ma ' am it 's fine . Very friendly . Nothing . Hotel was very nice and staff was pleasant . Rooms were clean , some of the hallways were a little shabby . Surrounding area was not safe at night . . There were a lot of homeless people in the streets at night who would harass you as you tried to get back to the hotel from dinner . Also price of the hotel was high . Reviewed Jun 2017 7 . 4 Comfortable bed , I was upgraded to a king and also put up on a higher floor by request . The view from the tower is no view at all just down town traffic and noise . Also the walls are thin , I could here others toilet flush and door closings . Reviewed Mar 2016 9 . 7 We stayed here twice in 1 week and requested a King with View room . The first time we got just that , and the skyline view from the international tower was beautiful ! The room was quiet , modern , and the best part was all the electronics plugs offered on the nightstands ! Great location to restaurants and the trolley . When we checked in , we were told we were " guests of the day " and were given a voucher for food / drink items at the hotel 's market . As we checked out , I happened to speak to a nice gentleman at the front door and mentioned we would be back in a week 's time because we were celebrating our anniversary in Aruba . He gave me his card and said he and his staff would ensure that we had a great time when we returned . When we returned , he had upgraded us to a King Suite on the 17th floor with a corner view and 3 balconies ! It was the most amazing room I have ever stayed in at a hotel . THANK YOU ! ! ! We also had a nice " snack " in the bar and I had am amazing kale salad . We are now huge fans and will be staying at this hotel whenever we can in the future . Our King Suite Corner View room could have been vacuumed better . It was apparent that housekeeping does not use a crevice tool at the edges of the carpet , for they were very dusty and dirty throughout the unit . Same with the window tracks , but this is pretty minor . Otherwise the room was AMAZING ! Location and the people are awesome . Small room . Didn 't have a King that I requested . Got 2 doubles . Typical over - expensive food and beverage that you have to stand in massive lines for . The beds , service , staff , everyone is here to help you enjoy and relax life . My favorite and only place in Atlanta I will stay . Reviewed Dec 2016 10 . 0 The staff at the hotel was without question second to none . I travel over 200 nights per year so I have a bit of hotel experience . The traffic at the front was a bit much , but the Valets manage it extremely well . The Valets are the best I have ever seen . I mistakenly booked a reservation here and called 10 mins later to cancel . I was told on the phone that I would not be charged anything for the cancellation but was charged $ 224 for not staying there . I understand cancellation fees but don 't make promises you won 't keep . Location Room was tight . The did not take the effort to find my marriott rewards number ( did not have with me ) . would not consider an upgrade evin if I paid because I booked with this site . Reviewed Oct 2014 more reviews This was the worse hotel experience of my life ! ! ! They had overbooked the hotel by a large number of guest and had to make arrangments for us at another hotel . The hotel was not in the location we wanted and they did not call and let us know ahead of time of the change so that we could arrive earlier instead of having to go half way across town to stay . The ast . Manager on duty was not appologetic and did not seem to care . I took it as this was a normal occurance by the way they acted . Reviewed Oct 2014 7 . 0 Almost everything was perfect except the size of the room for a family of 4 . The food arrived to the room not hot but a little cold from room service . Room size was small for a family of four . Beware if your flight arrives early check - in time is at 3pm ! ! ! Reviewed Oct 2014 10 . 0 My girlfriend and I spent a weekend in the city and we couldn 't have asked for a better place to stay . The room was perfect for our needs , it was clean and everything was as we expected . It was convenient to several restaurants and shopping . would definitely consider straying here again . Parking is probably my biggest issue , it 's a little too expensive and wish it could be complimentary to guests . Reviewed Aug 2016 more reviews Everything ! ! Especially how they accommodated my 10 yrs old granddaughter and made her feel special . They even made her and her stuffed animals name tags . That was just too precious ! ! With there was an ATM on every level . The hotel is perfectly situated in mid town . The staff is wonderful , facilities great , and great food . The bathrooms are a little dated and need to remove the tubs and put in bigger showers for two Reviewed Nov 2014 7 . 4 Lobby and surrounding areas were beautiful . Close to the places we wanted to go . Room was very small for the money even though I got a deal . Beds were really small . We have never stayed in a room with 2 beds that were not queen beds The hotel itself is beautiful : cold but tastefully decorated . We waited 45 minutes for our room keys . During this time we toured the spa and the pool deck . Upon check - in we alerted the staff that we were hungry ; no one made mention of the fact that Paces 88 closed at 3 pm and didn 't reopen until dinner . The butler assigned to us was anything but helpful . Went to see the concierge . The chef concierge Jeff suggested we walk across the street to Whole Foods for a lunch buffet . Not quite what we had intended ; a recommendation of The Capital Grille would have been more appropriate . Room service it would be . When we got back to the room there was no dining menu . A call to the ' ' butler ' ' yielded a 20 minute wait while she fidgeted with her computer so she could view the menu . She read one - word descriptions and asked what we 'd like . I asked for a print out of the menu . That took 20 minutes to deliver . We walked to Brio , the highlight of our visit . I scheduled a 90 minute facial to help mys . . . I had the pleasure of being one of the first guests who checked in to the new St . Regis Atlanta which opened on April 14th . I arrived to the hotel shortly after their ribbon cutting , and the hotel felt very alive . judging from the first moment I walked in to the hotel , I felt like they have been open for over 5 years , and that nothing seemed to be worng . I had the most warm and welcoming arrival - the doorman was very pleasent and asked for my name , he quickly assisted me with my bags and escorted me to the front desk . They knew my name as soon as I arrived , and checked me in ( and gave me a nice upgrade as I am a Platinum member ) to a nice suite . I was escorted by the front desk person to the floor , and met my butler ( yes , I had a personal butler ) . She was very nice and escorted me to my room . she explained about all the services they provide and offered to unpack me and provided me with a great explanation about the room ( they have a cool TV in the bathroom miror ) . The gym is overloo . . . Guest room Lobby Hotel Exterior I had the pleasure of being one of the first guests who checked in to the new St . Regis Atlanta which opened on April 14th . I arrived to the hotel shortly after their ribbon cutting , and the hotel felt very alive . judging from the first moment I walked in to the hotel , I felt like they have been open for over 5 years , and that nothing seemed to be worng . I had the most warm and welcoming arrival - the doorman was very pleasent and asked for my name , he quickly assisted me with my bags and escorted me to the front desk . They knew my name as soon as I arrived , and checked me in ( and gave me a nice upgrade as I am a Platinum member ) to a nice suite . I was escorted by the front desk person to the floor , and met my butler ( yes , I had a personal butler ) . She was very nice and escorted me to my room . she explained about all the services they provide and offered to unpack me and provided me with a great explanation about the room ( they have a cool TV in . . . This hotel was superb ! The rroms were well appointed , spacious , the bed was like sleeping on a hundred soft pillows . The bathroom had a deep soaking tub and a TV hidden behind the mirror over the sink , behind 2 - way glass ! If you need a ride to nearby shopping , you get ferried in the hotel car which is a Bentley ! Food was great , service was flawless . Would stay again without hesitation . Staff was incredibly nice No outdoor pool ( which every nice hotel in Atlanta has ) and no movies or decent tv stations in room ? ! ? We checked into hotel for a ' staycation ' and wanted to sit by a pool during the day and get room service / watch movies at night and couldn 't do either ! ! ! Total disappointment and WAY too much money to not have basics like that . We ended up wandering through the mall because we had literally nothing to do there . . . The staff was phenominal . They were professional and courteous the entire time . THe room was nice and very clean . Considering how much the room cost , i expected a little bit more , but it seems like you have to be very careful on what you do or else you will incur extra fees . To start off , parking was an extra fee . When we checked in we were told that internet and use of the spa area was complimentary . When i tried to login to the internet , I was given the option to pay for a day of use or a couple of hours . When my wife went to the spa area and asked if she would be able to use the facilities for free she was told no and given a price guide . Now i didnt expect free services , but i did expect that when i am told the spa is complimentary i assume it meant free use of pool , steam rooms , hot tubs , etc . Don 't get me wrong . I came to this hotel just knowing it was expensive , but the rooms value alone just did not meet the cost . After a stay here , I would like to explore a lower tier of hotel within the city . I truly think i could get the same value for a much lower cost Reviewed Feb 2017 10 . 0 The decor was just amazing and really enjoyed my stay . Simple words - pure luxury in everything . Impressed ! : ) It 's no doubt is expensive to stay and valet parking kind of slow . Reviewed Feb 2017 9 . 0 I know this is silly , but the late night room service menu is lacking for good snacks and included mostly salads and sandwiches . Not exactly what most people would look for on a late night menu ! Parking is expensive and wifi is only free for 24 hours . Reviewed Sep 2015 7 . 7 I love staying at the Grand Hyatt ! The staff always remembers us and are always so helpful , the food is great , they have a very nice bar area that we enjoy coming to after dinner , and once you get there you really don 't have to get back in your car because the driver can take you most places ! ! A great place to stay for a weekend ! Reviewed Jul 2016 10 . 0 Steam room , sauna , and luxury shower all included in the gym area . Great pool and comfortable beds . Will absolutely be back ! Reviewed Sep 2016 10 . 0 Clean , nice pool and walking distance for most bars / restaurants . Although the booking sites claim " free wifi " and " parking " , both are additional . Parking is 30 dollars a night and wifi is 12 dollars a day . When we came in the man who checked us in reassured us of this when giving us our keys . the lady who checked is out was very persistent about us paying parking per night . Essentially if you stay for a week expect a 210 dollar fee . This is not the valet fee , just parking deck fee . The woman at check out was very rude about this charge . The hotel is immaculate . Great location and the comfiest bed and pillows I have ever had . I stayed for 4 nights and loved it . The bar / restaurant area is small and lacks any atmosphere . Also , a bottle of water in the room is $ 6 so my advice is go to the meat by store . Reviewed Jun 2016 10 . 0 Great hotel and well decorated for the holidays . Hotel offered anything you could need . No pool and room did not have view of Atlanta but it was one of the affordable rooms . Reviewed Dec 2014 10 . 0 I was visiting Atlanta for the weekend . The Loews was a great home base for the weekend . The location is excellent in Midtown convenient to Marta and also easy to get in and out of the parking deck to explore Atlanta . The room was spacious with an extensive view of midtown and downtown from our room through floor to ceiling windows ( we were on 25th floor ) . The bathroom had a separate shower and bath which I really liked and a TV . The restaurant in the hotel was very good . We are there for dinner one night and liked it so much we went back for a late night snack the next night . There is also a Cafe Intermezzo right outside the hotel to grab a glass of wine and people watch on Peachtree St . Prices were expensive for the weekend we were traveling . The bathroom was showing a little wear and tear with paint peeling on the ceiling . Reviewed Sep 2016 7 . 0 I love , love , love the dark cool colors of the room and the modern design ! I also loved the peak - a - boo shower ! I did not like the $ 30 / night parking fee . Reviewed Feb 2010 by Anonymous 10 . 0 Very clean and modern looking . Nice spot for couples or adult fun . Very dark motif . very busy with non - guests but guess the marketing dept is heavy on the events The facilities and location The way the staff stared and treated us as if we didn 't belong there . It was a long three days . Reviewed Jun 2015 10 . 0 The staff was extremely friendly and helpful . The room was amazing and clean . The drinks were too notch . The weather . . . . . . But that 's not your fault . Reviewed Nov 2014 6 . 7 I literally just slept there during a very busy two day event , so I don 't have much to base service on . It was very clean , professional looking . The staff were very friendly . The parking garage was a bit tight and difficult to get out of when others were trying to get in . I suspect it was constructed long before mammoth SUV roamed the world . Reviewed Nov 2014 10 . 0 bed was excellent , very cozy , i liked the fact that it was right across the street from perimeter mall . The inside and outside garden was very beautiful . They also had a Starbucks ! 12 : 00 check out time . No complimentary breakfast , air condition could have gotten a little colder , bathroom tub could have been cleaner … i saw a few strands of hair . Reviewed Jun 2015 6 . 2 The hotel was in a good location . Plenty of stuff to do . Great , safe , clean , family friendly mall within walking distance . Covered parking , with elevators to hotel lobby . We could not turn down the heat in our room , unit on wall broken . Had to turn unit totally off . Needless to say , one stuffy restless night . The pool was really , really nasty . Water was very cloudy , couldn 't even see the bottom of the pool . There was all kinds of dirt , hair , film floating on top of water . Parking garage is very tight . Reviewed Dec 2014 8 . 5 The rooms are extravagant - especially for the rates ! ! ! I would like to have had complimentary breakfast available . More importantly I don 't understand why a 5star hotel didn 't have at least one microwave available for client usage ! ! ! Very nice hotel visually . The bed was comfy . The water was nice and hot . I had a very lovely view and a clean room ! The customer service was extremely rude and aggressive ( very shocking for 3 different women but the same attitude ) . . . They showed no empathy for the long unnecessary wait as they talked amongst each other . Talked as if they where not happy to be there . Everytime I called down to the front desk either no one answered or someone answers then puts me on hold til I hang up . Then I had to go downstairs just to see them talking . The room service was terrible . $ 34 . 00 for 4 pieces of cold moist cod and fries + terrible coleslaw . 8 buffalo wings that dry and not to taste . What a waste . We ate pizza after . And why is there only one small trash can in the room and it in the restroom ? They tried to charge me for the complimentary breakfast . No one informed me that I needed a ticket . I was there 2 days . The breakfast presentation was great ! But the service once again was terrible I had to track some one down for water and service . Both mornings the unorganized maids knocked on my door between 8 - 9 waking me up thinking I was not in the room charging in the room to clean or whatever . I was sleep and half naked . That 's not how a person wants to wake up . I just can believe such a beatiful looking place would have such an awful experience . Reviewed Mar 2015 8 . 0 About 10 - 15 minutes from every activity and shopping areas in Atlanta . Fairly close to a Walmart and Target . Service was fine , average . Very OLD fixtures in the bathroom . Had trouble stopping the tub to bathe . Toilet took awhile to flush . Charged me $ 40 extra as a " deposit " and had no knowledge of this . Parking was tight in a underground garage . Fairly old hotel . Reviewed Jan 2015 9 . 7 Beautiful facility . I would have preferred that the two beds be queen size instead of standard . I am used to having a little more room to sleep in . Very friendly staff but there was dried blood on my sheets . Needless to say , I was unable to sleep comfortably after finding the dried blood in the sheets . Reviewed Jan 2016 10 . 0 Bed was very comfortable and room was nicely updated . Being located across the street from a very busy downtown fire station was annoying . $ 30 parking was steep considering price paid for room . We were happy with the location and how quiet it was . We did not like the cost and we were disappointed in the cleanliness . The room was not filthy by any sense of the word , but when we arrived in the room there was an empty coke bottle sitting out and we were missing soap for the sink . We stayed several days and one day the room did not get cleaned . The carpet needed vacuumed and the furniture was dusty . Hotel was modern and staff was incredibly friendly . I read previous reviews stating that the fire station was loud . I heard it once or twice , but I didn 't find it to be a concern . The hotel provided ear plugs in the room for those that are light sleepers . We were attending a festival in Atlanta as we do every year . We haven 't stayed that this location , but I definitely will again . For the money paid , the hotel stood up well against several other higher priced hotels we have stayed at in the area . It rained and they provided umbrellas for us to use during the festival as well . There wasn 't clearly marked hotel parking . . . we used the valet , which turned out to be somewhat comparable in price . Valet staff was very friendly and fast . Reviewed Sep 2015 6 . 0 Staff were very accommodating . Parking fees are greatly overpriced . Price of parking should have been included in price of room . A / C did not operate properly during visit . Staff offered room change or box fan . While this was a nice gesture , QC ( Quality Control ) was not performed to insure all functions and features of the room were properly operating prior to the arrival of guests . In the future , this function and quality check should be performed before the checkin of guests . Reviewed Dec 2014 9 . 3 Good staff , valet was very prompt , rooms were comfortable and very clean . Would probably stay again if I had some kind of coupon but coupled with the valet charge , it was too expensive for me . I can 't stand places that charge $ 200 / night and don 't give you free wi - fi in the room . Also , the $ 32 / day valet ( while we knew about it in advance ) still stung . . . there was pretty much no other option around though . The beds were super comfortable and the room was clean . I tried to check in at 4 pm and was told i was too early because they hadn 't cleaned the rooms yet . They offered to text me when the room was ready if I wanted to go to get something to eat . I finally called back at 8pm to see if they had a room ready yet . Just a fair warning . . . Do not expect a room before 9pm . PRICE and location . This was just a stop to sleep on our trip as we headed to Fl . We could not bet the price . It was comfortable and convenient . I would stay again based on location and price . Staff was efficient . Not clean . We had 2 rooms . One had been left open prior to us arriving . Security determined staff had not finished cleaning . They finished but I believe he bathroom was over looked . I was so tired I didn 't put up a fuss . Had I paid more or had to stay longer I would have mentioned it to the staff . The staff was nice . We had requested a late check - in . Their website says to call the shuttle from the courtesy phone after 11pm for a ride from but their hotel is not listed there . When I called the hotel from my cell phone and pressed the number for shuttle service , no one answered . 5 times it rang until a busy signal started . When we got to the hotel , the front desk attendant was really not apologetic . She " upgraded " us to an executive room because they had sold out of the king we requested but the executive room was two double beds . The carpet of our room and the bathroom were dirty . Like They didn 't clean the tub or vacuum the carpet . This place was disgusting . I would NEVER stay here again and hated having to stay even for the mere 6 hours we ended sleeping after having to find a cab to take us to the hotel and paying for that ride . The staff was super friendly , respectful and very courteous . One of the restaurants downstairs was filthy . WORST PLACE IVE EVER BEEN TOO . The bathrooms were terrible , smelled and the floor of the restaurant had trash all over it so we left . The room we had was just ok . . . the lamp shade on one of the lamps was broken , the giant window with the mediocre view had some kind of residue on it making it look just dirty and wasn 't clear to see out of . The shower door didn 't slide shut all the way making the bathroom floor wet when we showered . So then we had to aim the shower head toward the inside shower wall which just made it a less disireable experience . Also , we were missing some of the coffee items from our ' deluxe ' coffee bar in our room . It wasn 't stocked and coffee wrapper trash was already on the counter area when we arrived . The furniture also looked dirty . Like it was dusty and then wiped down with a damp rag which left streaks . The iHome that was provided was also outdated . Very disappointed in this HILTON . I 've stayed at HAMPTON INNs much better than this . Reviewed May 2017 6 . 0 After having an engine blow up and having to turn around and get on another flight , I arrived in Atlanta at 1 : 30am . I called the hilton and they said there was a van . After calling 5 more times with no answer and waited 45 minutes , I finally took a taxi Got a room next to the elevator . The shower was wonderful and the sheets were great . Wish I could have enjoyed them more . Reviewed Dec 2015 10 . 0 Breakfast was great . I enjoyed the coffee shop also . It 's a really nice , clean , hotel , with good rates . Reviewed Jan 2016 3 . 7 We did not receive the room we paid for . We had booked a king bedroom for an overnight stay during our 10yr anniversary trip . Upon arrival , they told us all we have left is a couple two double beds . The attendant told us we requested a king room , No we paid for it . We pretty much had no choice but to accept the lower rate room and our compensation was a free cup of coffee . We booked our room over two months before our trip so it was disappointing that they give your rooms away that have already been paid for . I liked the room and friendliness of the customer facing staff quite a bit . The management was terrible , I was double charged by the Hotel and ended up getting stuck in Atlanta and missing 2 days of work , which were 2 days I didnt get paid for . Overall it was a really stressful and bad experience .

Tim vs Timmaay , the showdown begins . In one corner , weighing in at 267 pounds , low self - esteem , chain smoker , occasional drinker , and all out wimp with excuses . In the other corner , weighing in at 220 pounds , 1 time marathon , 3 time half marathon , and 1 time 15 , 10 , and 5k runner , a lot healthier , happier , and more confident in himself . One can easily guess who the winner would be if those two went head to head for an all out beat down . Here lately , I 've reminisced a little bit about what it would be like if I ever ran into my younger self . Would I be fit enough now to knock some sense into the younger me ? I 've often wondered if the current me could take on the aggressive teenage me back when I was ( at the time ) fit and what I thought was in the best shape I could 've been in . As the saying goes , " to be wise , you first must be stupid " ! ! Yep , that would be me . Over the passed 3 years , I feel like I have rediscovered myself again . As I keep reminiscing , I look back at when I slowly starting regaining my health , I have found out what capabilities I didn 't know I had . I think running a marathon was one of them . Last fall when I started training for my first marathon , I was averaging 25 - 30 miles a week , and occasionally cross trained on the spin bikes . A few runs that I was training on , I managed to do an 18 mile run / walk , a 17 miler ( which actually became a DNF on a 20 miler ) , and then a 17 mile knee throbber . To be honest , I felt going into running the marathon , that I was very much " under - trained " . I thought to myself , if I can swing a good 15 miles without a hitch , I could swing that plus 11 . 2 miles as an easy cool down or jog the rest of the way . Good theory , bad idea ! ! Along came the injury that sidelined for a while . Until now : These passed few weeks , I pushed for improvements . Back in February , my sports doctor advised me on sitting out my spring races , I wanted to . I said back then that it was the best decision I did , and I still stand by that . It started back in early April when I did 6 day run streak with a total of 32 miles . Not bad , but not as good as I wanted , still I took it as a sign of progress . That along has pushed me to this week when I aimed to a 10 mile strut in my neighborhood . Best feeling I 've had in a while to complete a double digit distance since running my first marathon . 5 months in the making , well worth the wait . I admit , I can be very impatient at times , but as I 've gotten older , I 've gained some more wisdom here and there . Since that 10 miler , I did 2 easy recovery runs , and in my opinion felt effortless at the pace I was going . Funny I say that , when 2 years ago I was fighting to run at the speed I was going for this week . Improvement , yeah absolutely . I 'm taking it as it comes . I guess you can say at this point , Timmaay is kicking Tim 's butt right now . I think the biggest reason why Tim was so " under - trained " was a case of excuses . Timmaay has pretty much laid those excuses down this time around . I 've decided to stick to just training this summer , and maybe catch a 5 or 10k ( depending on cost ) and kick this fall of with the following races , dates TBD Along with these races , I plan to spend a lot more time at White Rock Lake and also at the Trinity Trails logging in some more training miles . I 'm setting the bar higher to where my new average will be 40 + miles a week instead of 30 . No more excuses . Here 's to hoping Timmaay can be an even greater winner over Tim . We shall see . . . " On June 23 , 1961 a little angel was sent to this earth . God knew she would never be able to run , walk , or play like most other children . God had other plans for her . One purpose was to bless everyone whose lives she touched with her love , sweet smile , contagious giggle , and trusting nature . With all her physical obstacles and ailments , she taught and surprised everyone many times with her strong will to live and be able to return back to her own quality of life " It saddens me to find out about a love one being gone . What does one say or do in moments like this ? You make all the necessary phone calls to relatives , friends , etc . Make arrangements for the funeral , take time off of work , and try to make things run as smooth as they can . This passed week , my wife 's family did all of this . It wasn 't easy , but it happened . The week before last around Cinco de Mayo weekend , my father in law James got the call from Hazel saying that Brenda was not going to make it through the night and that he needed to be here now . In his heart , he knew he had to be there for her . As I stated above ( per Hazel ) , Brenda 's " strong will " kicked in during the final moments of her life here on earth . I believe deep down it was so James ( dad ) could be there one last time to say goodbye to her . It was as if she was ready , but didn 't want to leave without telling her parents that she was " ok " and that she will be in a better place . I have no doubt that this was the case . I received a call Monday night that Brenda had passed away around 8pm . As I calmly sat down and told my Stacie about it , she was in tears , but yet relieved since she knew as well in her heart that her big sister was in a better place . So , once the shock was worn off , we made our phone calls to other relatives and they made their respective arrangements with their jobs and transportation . Stacie 's brother , Stephen made a trip from Galveston up to Ft . Worth to pick up her other brother , Kelly and his wife , Julie , then make the other half of his long trip to Lubbock . Almost 12 hours of driving can put a tole on anybody . Stacie 's mom and dad rented a vehicle and was already in Lubbock at the time with Stacie 's oldest brother , Craig ( She has 5 brothers all together ) , and then she and myself took our own vehicle and made our long 5 1 / 2 hour road trip out to west Texas from the Ft . Worth area ourselves . Whew it was a long haul . It felt longer than the last time we drove up to Lubbock , but nonetheless , it was a good trip . This trip not only tireAs we all gathered in Lubbock to meet up with family and friends , we we 're blessed indeed by the Lubbock State Supported Living Center , and when I say blessed , I don 't mean it lightly . This trip was a HUGE financial burden on all of us that came out for Brenda 's funeral . We barely had in our own budget to get a hotel , much less gas money and food . The blessing you say , and my dad in - law can testify to this , the LSSLC provided us with a place to stay for duration of the time we were in town . Oh , and it was F - R - E - E ! ! The living center has a couple of cottage type houses that they provide to family members for anyone that is a full time resident of the school . That meant for us , since we we 're family to Brenda , we could stay in one of the houses . It was a 4 bedroom , 3 bathroom house with a laudry room , kitchen , den , family room , and fireplace . It was done up almost like a 70 's style house the way the design looked . Fine by us , so we took it . Stacie and shared a room with a full size " four post " bed and small bathroom , her parents shared the " master " room with their own bathroom , her brother Kelly and his wife Julie had a room with a king size bed , and Stephen had his own room which was connected to Kelly and Julie 's room with a bathroom . Again , PTL ( Praise the Lord ) . Now that we had the room situation taken care , we had enough funds to take care of food and gas as we needed to . One trip to the grocery store , and we were stocked up for the week . Unfortunately , we didn 't get pics of this awesome place we stayed at , but let me just say for the whole experience that we we 're there , we can 't thank the state facility enough for providing this for us . Side note : As for me being a runner , the facility itself is 1 . 5 miles in diameter all around , so you can guess what I did while I was there . Yep ! I ran around a few times to keep up with my fitness . . . and to keep my mind focused while I was there . My main objective was to be there for my wife and her family as she was there to be by her dad 's side . Mission accomplished pretty much . By Wednesday , as everyone made into town , we met up with the Chaplains who took care of Brenda while she was in the State Facility , but at the hospital as well when her health was threatened . We all got together with them and the rest of the family that lived in Lubbock to go over what and how the funeral was going to be done . From music to who was going to speak , open casket , closed casket . Smooth as butter as far as I thought . Couldn 't have planned a better memorial if you 'd asked me . Stacie 's brothers Scott and Craig provided music and Chaplain Ken Cartwright from the State School and Chaplain Elizabeth Abraham from the UMC hospital in Lubbock both preached and gave a word at the pulpit . And was concluded with Stacie 's dad , James giving his appreciation for all the work that the Lubbock State Supported Living Center provided to Brenda after all these years . I myself was involved in the memorial as I volunteered to be a pall - bearer along with other family members : Brenda 's half brothers Johnny , Donny , Stephen , Kelly , and nephew Kyle . Again , a great job was done by all who participated . I shared all of this because , as I said above about a new lease on life . Brenda 's condition and the way she was has really inspired not only me , but Stacie as well . This is why she herself hopes to be a nurse someday . Working with the under - privileged is what she feels is her calling . I know deep down because of Brenda , this is a personal persuit she is taking . I know in confidence , she will succeed . As for me , I have a personal experience with this as well , and that it is a testimony in itself . More to come on that . In showing of appreciation of the LSSLC , when we were shacked up in the cottage we stayed at , Stacie found a plaque on the wall in the hallway that really hit home with her . The words itself could make anyone cry , and also she read these words during the memorial . As Brenda 's youngest sibling , she felt honored to do this . If that doesn 't make you sob , you are heartless . It definitely speaks volume of what this facility is all about . And , partly for me , a big reason WHY I fell in love with Lubbock the 2nd time I came out that way . I have a passion as I stated for handicapped kids and adults . Because of them , I am now a child of God , and pretty much sober these days . Long story short , at 21 , I was following my own way of life , and not what God wanted me to do . I spent a good time in the bottle , and didn 't care if I lived to see the next day . A big time life of sin , and I was content . Instead , he brought a young 22 year old man with down syndrome into my path and it changed me . I spent a week at a camp for special needs in July of 2002 . It was the last night before we all packed up the next day and went home . I found my friend , Casey laying in his bed crying because he knew he had to go home the next day . To make matters worse , I showed up that Monday for camp with a massive hangover because I drank way too much the night before . Again , I didn 't care . I just wanted to skip town for a bit and get back at it when I got back home . God 's perfect timing is all I gotta say . So , anyways . . As I tried my best to comfort my new founded friend , Casey , he asked me if I was going to see him next summer . I promised him right then and there that I would . Then , out of the blue , this same kid who couldn 't tie his shoes , but can 't quote the Bible asked me a gut checking question . " Hey Tim " he says , " will I get to see you in heaven someday ? " I don 't know where that came from , but in an instant , I was taken back . This is one question you CAN NOT lie about . Especially to a kid with his condition . And , you really can 't say NO either . That night , I gave my life to the Lord , and never looked back . I am so blessed and honored to be married into a family that cared for a soul like Brenda . It really gives life a whole new perspective for me . Another was written by an anonymous writer that speaks volume as well for anyone with special needs , and for family memb " Heaven 's Special Child " Sorry friends , if this blog itself has shed tears , but what would you do if you ever lost a loved one . Let me rephrase , if you had to lose a loved one with a condition like my sister in law had , what would you do ? The answer is unknown . I can 't tell you what to do . Otherwise , that would be too easy . All I can tell you is , you love them the best you can while they are on earth here with you . Life is too short ! ! My wife , Stacie and Brenda a few years back . Way before we ever met . If you look real closely at the center of the cloud you can see a heart . This was taken by Stacie as we were driving back home . Nothing says " confirmation " that Brenda has arrived to the gates of Heaven quite like this . Very humbling Well , I told you all that I wasn 't making promises about posting every week like I wanted to . But still , I have managed to make it less than a month , so give me some credit . Since my last post , Stacie and I did what people dread to do the most , MOVE ! ! We got the luxury of moving to a much bigger place , and by far a better community , I think . We 've settled in nicely for the last two weeks now , so we are thrilled with it . It wasn 't that way in the beginning however , as one would " typically " deal with the stress of moving . To say the least , we had our fair share . In all the times before when I have moved ; from the very first time I told mom I was leaving and moving in with my first roommate , to my first solo apartment , my second , roomie , even coming back home because I fell on hard times , and to even the first place Stacie and I moved into together , I don 't think I ever encountered as much stress in those times as we did in this move . Where do I begin ? Well , let me tell you the beginning . At first , after 3 years of being in our " starting out " apartment , we were strapped for room . After taking on the responsibility of our first " child " , Corkie , and after a few holidays and birthdays celebrated . . . . Um yeah . . . We collected a lot of stuff . Doesn 't everybody ? Plus , we were getting fed up with the new management , and the bratty little kids that were living in the complex we lived in . Nothing against them , but we felt it was time to pick up and move out . So , we planned a weekend in February since that was around the time we had to give our 60 day notice , and time for us to find a newer place . We had debated on a either a 2 bedroom , or a much bigger 1 bedroom . Me being optimistic , I was opting for the 2 bedroom , but every place we looked at , I thought we were getting gouged on rent . No surprise there . In the apartment lifestyle , that is to be expected . We spent one Saturday in February , armed with a list of places we checked out online , we set out and hunted for our next place to live . The first one we looked at was in the " Ghetto " side of town . Funny how apartment guides and pictures don 't really do justice to what places look like in reality . Now , I stated before that we were thinking about either a 2 bedroom or a large 1 bedroom , we had also considered a split level , or studio loft apartment . As we searched and searched , we found some lofts that were right up our alley as far as rent cost and location . Still nothing appealed to us . The 2nd and 3rd place we looked at that same day were hopeful , but a no go at the last minute . We agreed that for a 1 bedroom , $ 700 was too much . Some parts of the country , that is considered cheap , but not where we live . Finally , I looked across the street at the last place we looked and saw a place I had previously looked at a few years ago with my last roommate , and noticed the name change of the complex and a sign that said " under new management " . . Ok , I optimistic , so I thought , what the hell . So , we get in , talk to a lease consultant , got a nickel tour of a model unit , and even a tour of the new layout . One word . . . SOLD . . The location , cost of rent , and even the accommodations for Corkie was enough for us . This place gave a discount because my wife , Stacie is now a student , and that we both work in the medical field . The attractions included : A dog park , a tiki bar kind of setup at the pool with grills and bars to sit at , 24 hr fitness facility , and my favorite , up front parking by our unit . With these great attractions that lured us in , we did however have to make some sacrifices . To us , they were worth it though . We had a HUGE bedroom on the second floor , but very limited closet space . Only one bathroom , but it was upstairs , so if company came , guess what ? ? The last big doozy we had to give up was our washer and dryer . When I said we had limited closet space , well , a small corner was taken up by a stackable washer and dryer . From what we have been told , and even now if what we have experienced with this , a stackable unit is not that bad . They may be small in size , but you would be amazed at how much laundry can fit in the washer , then afterwards load it up in the dryer . And they are FAST at getting you clothes done . We 're happy with that . Now to the meat and potatoes . Here 's where the real fun begins ! ! After all the negotiations and agreements we made with our place of residence that we were moving out of and with the place we were moving to , disaster struck . We were scheduled to move in on the weekend of the 21st of April . Just like in the business of the real estate , the right hand never knows what the left hand is saying . With that , we had a big time mix up with our unit , and with management . When we finalized our move in day , the lease consultant we spoke with had everything written down , and even and agreement drawn up in which we signed . Somehow , that was not communicated to the manager , nor was it entered into the system . Talk about furious , there was a lot of tension that day in the office . I was drove the unit we were going to move into , and nothing was done to it . The workers were in there ripping out carpet , taking out appliances , and painting . Manager said , it would be impossible for us to move in when we wanted to . With that on our stressor , I had to make a quick phone call to my power company to shut down that particular account to that location I had set up . On the flipside of the mix we had with the manager and the lease consultant , we were able to move into a different apartment , same floor plan , but much better location . YAY ! ! We were thrilled about that . All the maintenance people had to do with that place was clean the carpets , and repaint the walls . Ok , it would be ready for us in 24 hours . Not a problem , except one thing . . . the power would not be available until the following Monday . So , it was a weekend we move in , and no power . Thankfully , Stacie 's parents let us crash with them during all of this . Oh it gets better . We decided to take the stress out of us , and not even worry about relying on friends and family to help us by hiring movers . Yes , I mean it does it get better . As I stated above , we were scheduled for the 21st of April to move in to our new place , and we still were . Just not the new place we originally planned Here 's the first thing you see when you open the door . I 'm stoked because I have never lived in a place before that had stairs . Probably my favorite feature of this apt . The Kitchen . We love the look of our appliances from the stove , fridge , and microwave . We 're going with the more moderate , contemporary look . As you first walk upstairs into our bedroom . This was before we put anything in it . Trust me when I say this , but it 's huge ! ! I won 't spare anymore details about the rest of the room . All there is , is just the tiny closet and tiny bathroom . Nothing much to it . I 've never lived somewhere that accommodated pets like this . This little dog park has a small creek bed that is ran by a water fountain that the dogs can actually drink from . Plus there 's a poop station , so you can pick up after them if they have to go . Corkie likes it so far . So far , in the passed couple of weeks since we 've lived here , we 've been very pleased with our new choice of residence . Corkie likes not only the dog park , but she like the stairs as well . In fact , the first night , she got herself a good workout by going up and down them I don 't know how many times . Last weekend , our dear friends Bill and Lynn Parker gave us our first house warming present . As most of you know that follow my blogs , know that I am a runner . I run when I can . Sometimes , when I need to run , the weather has a disadvantage , so I resolve to using a treadmill if I can ever use on . Well , luck would have it , The Parker 's blessed us with that very same thing . Granted , I 'm more of an outdoor fan and like my hills and change of scenery , but sometimes a treadmill is the best solution . So far I 've ran a few miles on it here and there , and appreciate having it . Thanks , Parker 's For the most part , we 're settling in quite well . Our plan is to stick it out here for 3 or 4 years . Basically , however long it takes for Stacie to finish school , and when we are ready to purchase our first mortgage . Oh the joys of moving . Till next time .  My name is Tim Taggert , or as some people call me " Timmaay " after the wheelchaired character in the tv show , South Park . It kinda stuck after he came onto the scenes . I don 't mind , it 's kinda cool , I guess !

In November the waves grew black and dashed over the sea wall on to the shore road , such summer life as had survived disappeared , and the beaches were melancholy and desolate under the mistral and rain . Gausse 's hotel was closed for repairs and enlargement and the scaffolding of the summer casino at Juan les Pins grew larger and more formidable . Going into Cannes or Nice , Dick and Nicole met new people - members of orchestras , restaurateurs , horticultural enthusiasts , shipbuilders - for Dick had bought an old dinghy - and members of the Syndicat d ' Initiative . They knew their servants well and gave thought to the children 's education . In December Nicole seemed well - knit again ; when a month had passed without tension , without the tight mouth , the unmotivated smile , the unfathomable remark , they went to the Swiss Alps for the Christmas holidays . With his cap , Dick slapped the snow from his dark blue ski - suit before going inside . The great hall , its floor pockmarked by two decades of hobnails , was cleared for the tea dance and four - score young Americans , domiciled in schools near Gstaad , bounced about to the frolic of " Don 't Bring Lulu , " or exploded violently with the first percussions of the Charleston . It was a colony of the young , simple , and expensive - the Sturmtruppen of the rich were at St Moritz . Baby Warren felt that she had made a gesture of renunciation in joining the Divers here . " He missed the train - I 'm meeting him later , " Dick sat down , swinging a heavy boot over his knee . " You two look very striking together . Every once in a while I forget we 're in the same party and get a big shock at seeing you . " Baby was a tall , fine - looking woman , deeply engaged in being just over thirty . Symptomatically she had pulled two men with her from London , one scarcely down from Cambridge , one old and hard with Victorian lecheries . Baby had certain spinster 's characteristics - she was alien from touch , she started if she was touched suddenly , and such lingering touches as kisses and embraces slipped directly through the flesh into the forefront of her consciousness . She made few gestures with her trunk , her body proper - instead , she stamped her foot and tossed her head in almost an old - fashioned way . She relished the foretaste of death , prefigured by the catastrophes of friends ; persistently she clung to the idea of Nicole 's tragic destiny . " I don 't like ickle durls . They smell of castile soap and peppermint . When I dance with them , I feel as if I 'm pushing a baby carriage . " " There 's a lot of business , " said Baby . " First place , there 's news from home - the property we used to call the station property . The railroads only bought the centre of it at first . Now they 've bought the rest , and it belonged to Mother . It 's a question of investing the money . " " It 's a lot of money . It 's three hundred thousand apiece . I keep an eye on my own investments , but Nicole doesn 't know anything about securities , and I don 't suppose you do either . " Outside he inhaled damp snowflakcs that he could no longer see against the darkening sky . Three children sledding past shouted a warning in some strange language ; he heard them yell at the next bend and a little farther on he heard sleigh - bells coming up the hill in the dark . The holiday station glittered with expectancy , boys and girls waiting for new boys and girls , and by the time the train arrived Dick had caught the rhythm and pretended to Franz Gregorovius that he was clipping off a half - hour from an endless roll of pleasures . But Franz had some intensity of purpose at the moment that fought through any superimposition of mood on Dick 's part . " I may get up to Zurich for a day , " Dick had written , " or you can manage to come to Lausanne . " Franz had managed to come all the way to Gstaad . He was forty . Upon his healthy maturity reposed a set of pleasant official manners , but he was most at home in a somewhat stuffy safety from which he could despise the broken rich whom he re - educated . His scientific heredity might have bequeathed him a wider world , but he seemed to have deliberately chosen the standpoint of a humbler class , a choice typified by his selection of a wife . At the hotel Baby Warren made a quick examination of him and , failing find any of the hall - marks she respected , the subtler virtues or courtesies by which the privileged classes recognized one another , treated him thereafter with her second manner . Nicole was always a little afraid of him . Dick liked him , as he liked his friends , without reservations . For the evening they were sliding down the hill into the village , on those little sleds which serve the same purpose as gondolas do in Venice . Their destination was a hotel with an old - fashioned Swiss tap - room , wooden and resounding , a room of clocks , kegs , steins , and antlers . Many parties at long tables blurred into one great party and ate fondue - a peculiarly indigestible form of Welsh rarebit , mitigated by hot spiced wine . It was jolly in the big room ; the younger Englishman remarked it and Dick conceded that there was no other word . With the pert heady wine he relaxed and pretended that the world was all put together again by the grey - haired men of the golden nineties who shouted old glees at the piano , by the young voices and the bright costumes toned into the room by the swirling smoke . For a moment he felt that they were in a ship with landfall just ahead ; in the faces of all the girls was the same innocent expectation of the possibilities inherent in the situation and the night . He looked to see if that special girl was there and got an impression that she was at the table behind them - then he forgot her and invented a rigmarole and tried to make his party have a good time . " I have a plan that is - so marvellous . " His hand fell upon Dick 's knee . " I have a plan that will be the making of us two . " " Dick - there is a clinic we could have together - the old clinic of Braun on the Zugersee . The plant is all modern except for a few points . He is sick - he wants to go up in Austria , to die probably . It is a chance that is just insuperable . You and me - what a pair ! Now don 't say anything yet until I finish . " " We must undertake it together . It would not bind you too tight - it would give you a base , a laboratory , a centre . You could stay in residence say no more than half the year , when the weather is fine . In winter you could go to France or America and write your texts fresh from clinical experience . " He lowered his voice . " And for the convalescence in your family , there are the atmosphere and regularity of the clinic at hand . " Dick 's expression did not encourage this note , so Franz dropped it with the punctuation of his tongue leaving his lip quickly . " We could be partners , I the executive manager , you the theoretician , the brilliant consultant and all that . I know myself - I know I have no genius and you have . But , in my way , I am thought very capable ; I am utterly competent at the most modern clinical methods . Sometimes for months I have served as the practical head of the old clinic . The professor says this plan is excellent , he advises me to go ahead . He says he is going to live for ever and work up to the last minute . " " There we have it ! Money ! " he bewailed . " I have little money . The price in American money is two hundred thousand dollars . The innovation - ary - " he tasted the coinage doubtfully , " - steps that you will agree are necessary will cost twenty thousand dollars American . But the clinic is a goldmine - I tell you , I have seen the books . For an investment of two hundred and twenty thousand dollars we have an assured income of - " Baby 's curiosity was such that Dick brought her into the conversation . " But who are we , Franz ? You bear a big name and I 've written two textbooks . Is that enough to attract anybody ? And I haven 't got that much money - I haven 't got a tenth of it . " Franz smiled cynically . " Honestly I haven 't . Nicole and Baby are rich as Croesus , but I haven 't managed to get my hands on any of it yet . " They were all listening now - Dick wondered if the girl at the table behind was listening too . The idea attracted him . He decided to let Baby speak for him , as one often lets women raise their voices over issues that are not in their hands . Baby became suddenly her grandfather , cool and experimental . " Consider it , Dick , " Franz urged excitedly . " When one writes on psychiatry , one should have actual clinical contacts . Jung writes , Bleuler writes , Freud writes , Forel writes , Adler writes - also they are in constant contact with mental disorder . " " A thing as important as this will take weeks to decide . I wonder how I like the picture of Nicole and me anchored to Zurich - " He turned to Franz , anticipating , " - I know . Zurich has a gas - house and running water and electric light - I lived there three years . " One hundred pairs of five - pound boots had begun to clump toward the door , and they joined the press . Outside in the crisp moonlight , Dick saw the girl tying her sled to one of the sleighs ahead . They piled into their own sleigh and at the crisp - cracking whips the horses strained , breasting the dark air . Past them figures ran and scrambled , the younger ones shoving each other from sleds and runners , landing in the soft snow , then panting after the horses to drop exhausted on a sled or wail that they were abandoned . On either side the fields were beneficently tranquil ; the space through which the cavalcade moved was high and limitless . In the country there was less noise , as though they were all listening atavistically for wolves in the side snow . In Saanen they poured into the municipal dance , crowded with cow herders , hotel servants , shopkeepers , ski teachers , guides , tourists , peasants . To come into the warm enclosed place after the pantheistic animal feeling without was to re - assume some absurd and impressive knightly name , as thunderous as spurred boots in war , as football cleats on the cement of a locker - room floor . There was conventional yodelling , and the familiar rhythm of it separated Dick from what he had first found romantic in the scene . At first he thought it was because he had hounded the girl out of his consciousness ; then it came to him under the form of what Baby had said : " We must think it over carefully - " and the unsaid lines back of that : " We own you , and you 'll admit it sooner or later . It is absurd to keep up the pretence of independence . " It had been years since Dick had bottled up malice against creature - since freshman year at New Haven , when he come upon a popular essay about " mental hygiene " . he lost his temper at Baby and simultaneously tried to coop it up within him , resenting her cold rich insolence . It would be hundreds of years before any emergent Amazons would ever grasp the fact that a man is vulnerable only in his pride , but delicate as Humpty Dumpty once that is meddled with - though some of them paid the fact a cautious lip - service . Doctor Diver 's profession of sorting the broken shells of another sort of egg had given him a dread of breakage . But : " No , it isn 't , " he insisted to the anonymous bundle of fur . " Good manners are an admission that everybody is so tender that they have to be handled with gloves . Now , human respect - you don 't call a man a coward or a liar lightly , but if you spend your life sparing people 's feelings and feeding their vanity , you get so you can 't distinguish what should be respected in them . " " I guess so , " said Dick . " My father had the kind of manners he inherited from the days when you shot first and apologized afterward . Men armed - why , you Europeans haven 't carried arms in civil life since the beginning of the eighteenth century - - " The women were regarding him across the zoo of robes with some alarm . The younger Englishman did not understand - he was one of the kind who were always jumping around cornices and balconies , as if they thought they were in the rigging of a ship - and filled the ride to the hotel with a preposterous story about a boxing match with his best friend , in which they loved and bruised each other for an hour , always with great reserve . Dick became facetious . The carnival spirit was strong and they went with the crowd into the grill , where a Tunisian barman manipulated the illumination in a counterpoint , whose other melody was the moon off the ice rink staring in the big windows . In that light , Dick found the girl devitalized and uninteresting . He turned from her to enjoy the darkness , the cigarette points going green and silver when the lights shone red , the band of white that fell across the dancers as the door to the bar was opened and closed . " We 're beginning to turn in a circle , " he admitted . " Living on this scale , there 's an unavoidable series of strains , and Nicole doesn 't survive them . The pastoral quality down on the summer Riviera is all changing anyhow - next year they 'll have a Season . " Good - bye , Gstaad ! Good - bye , fresh faces , cold sweet flowers , flakes in the darkness . Good - bye , Gstaad , good - bye ! One July morning Dick awoke at five after a Jong dream of war , walked to the window and stared out at the Zugersee . His dream had begun in sombre majesty ; navy - blue uniforms crossed a dark plaza behind bands playing the second movement of Prokofiev 's Love of Three Oranges . Presently there were fire engines , symbols of disaster , and a ghastly uprising of the mutilated in a dressing station . He turned on his bed lamp and made a thorough note of it , ending with the half - ironic phrase : " Non - combatant 's shell - shock . " As he sat on the side of his bed he felt the room , the house , and the night as empty . In the next room Nicole muttered something desolate and he felt sorry for whatever loneliness she was feeling in her sleep . For him time stood still and then every few years accelerated in a rush , like the quick rewind of a film , but for Nicole the years slipped away by clock and calendar and birthday , with the added poignance of her perishable beauty . Even this past year and a half on the Zugersee seemed wasted time for her , the seasons marked only by the workmen on the road turning pink in May , brown in July , black in September , white again in Spring . She had come out of her first illness alive with new hopes , expecting so much , yet deprived of any subsistence except Dick , bringing up children she could only pretend gently to love , guided orphans . The people she liked , rebels mostly , disturbed her and were bad for her - she sought in them the vitality that had made them independent or creative or rugged , sought in vain - for their secrets were buried deep in childhood struggles they had forgotten . They were more interested in Nicole 's exterior harmony and charm , the other face of her illness . She led a lonely life owning Dick , who did not want to be owned . He scrunched his pillow hard , lay down , and put the back of his neck against it as a Japanese does to slow the circulation , and slept again for a time . Later , while he shaved , Nicole awoke and marched around , giving abrupt , succinct orders to children and servants . Lanier came in to watch his father shave - living beside a psychiatric clinic he had developed an extraordinary confidence in and admiration for his father , together with an exaggerated indifference toward most other adults ; the patients appeared to him either in their odd aspects , or else as devitalized , over - correct creatures without personality . He was a handsome , promising boy and Dick devoted much time to him , in the relationship of a sympathetic but exacting officer and a respectful enlisted man . Cautiously Dick parted soapy lips : " I have never been able to find out . I 've often wondered . I think it 's because I get the first finger soapy when I make the line of my side - burn , but how it gets up on top of my head I don 't know . " Half an hour later Dick started up to the administration building . He was thirty - seven - still declining a beard he yet had a more medical aura about him than he had worn upon the Riviera . For eighteen months now he had lived at the clinic , certainly one of the best - appointed in Europe . Like Dohmler 's it was of the modern type - no longer a single dark and sinister building , but a small , scattered , yet deceitfully integrated village . Dick and Nicole had added much in the domain of taste , so that the plant was a thing of beauty , visited by every psychologist passing through Zurich . With the addition of a caddy house it might very well have been a country club . The Eglantine and the Beeches , houses for those sunk into eternal darkness , were screened by little copses from the main building , camouflaged strong - points . Behind was a large truck farm , worked partly by the patients . The workshops for ego - therapy were three , placed under a single roof , and there Doctor Diver began his morning 's inspection . The carpentry shop , full of sunlight , exuded the sweetness of sawdust , of a lost age of wood ; always half a dozen men were there , hammering , planing , buzzing - silent men , who lifted solemn eyes from their work as he passed through . Himself a good carpenter , he discussed with them the efficiency of some tools for a moment in a quiet , personal , interested voice . Adjoining was the book - bindery , adapted to the most mobile patients , who were not always , however , those who had the greatest chance for recovery . The last chamber was devoted to bead - work , weaving , and work in brass . The faces of the patients here wore the expression of one who has just sighed profoundly , dismissing something insoluble - but their sighs only marked the beginning of another ceaseless round of ratiocination , not in a line as with normal people but in the same circle . Round , round , and round . Around for ever . But the bright colours of the stuffs they worked with gave strangers a momentary illusion that all was well , as in a kindergarten . These One Englishwoman spoke to him always about a subject which she considered her own . " I don 't know , " he answered . " I haven 't seen Doctor Lladislau . How did you enjoy the music that Mrs Sachs and Mr Longstreet gave us last night ? " From the workshops Dick went to visit the Eglantine and the Beeches . Exteriorly these houses were as cheerful as the others ; Nicole had designed the decoration and the furniture on a necessary base of concealed grilles and bars and immovable furniture . She had worked with so much imagination - the inventive quality , which she lacked , being supplied by the problem itself - that no instructed visitor would have dreamed that the light , graceful filigree work at a window was a strong , unyielding end of a tether , that the pieces reflecting modern tubular tendencies were stauncher than the massive creations of the Edwardians - even the flowers lay in iron fingers and every casual ornament and fixture was as necessary as a girder in a skyscraper . Her tireless eyes had made each room yield up its greatest usefulness . Complimented , she referred to herself brusquely as a master plumber . His most interesting case was in the main building . The patient was a woman of thirty who had been in the clinic six months ; she was an American painter who had lived long in Paris . They had no very satisfactory history of her . A cousin had happened upon her all mad and gone , and after an unsatisfactory interlude at one of the whoopee cures that fringed the city , dedicated largely to tourist victims of drug and drink , he had managed to get her to Switzerland . On her admittance she had been exceptionally pretty - now she was a living , agonizing sore . All blood tests had failed to give a positive reaction and the trouble was unsatisfactorily catalogued as nervous eczema . For two months she had lain under it , as if imprisoned in the Iron Maiden . She was coherent , even brilliant , within the limits of her special hallucinations . She was particularly his patient . During spells of over - excitement he was the only doctor who could " do anything with her . " Several weeks ago , on one of many nights that she had passed in sleepless torture , Franz had succeeded in hypnotizing her into a few hours of needed rest , but he had never again succeeded . Hypnosis was a tool that Dick distrusted and seldom used , for he knew that he could not always summon up the mood in himself - he had once tried it on Nicole and she had scornfully laughed at him . " Just like all battles . " She thought this over . " You pick a set - up , or else win a Pyrrhic victory , or you 're wrecked and ruined - you 're a ghostly echo from a broken wall . " " You 've suffered , but many women suffered before they mistook themselves for men . " It was becoming an argument and he retreated . " In any case you mustn 't confuse a single failure with a final defeat . " " That 's all . " With disgust he heard himself lying , but here and now the vastness of the subject could only be compressed into a lie . " Outside of that there 's only confusion and chaos . I won 't lecture to you - we have too acute a realization of your physical suffering . But it 's only by meeting the problems of every day , no matter how trifling and boring they seem , that you can make things drop back into place again . After that - perhaps you 'll be able again to examine - " He had slowed up to avoid the inevitable end of his thought : " - the frontiers of consciousness . " The frontiers that artists must explore were not for her , ever . She was fine - spun , inbred - eventually she might find rest in some quiet mysticism . Exploration was for those with a measure of peasant blood , those with big thighs and thick ankles who could take punishment as they took bread and salt , on every inch of flesh and spirit . Yet in the awful majesty of her pain he went out to her unreservedly , almost sexually . He wanted to gather her up in his arms , as he so often had Nicole , and cherish even her mistakes , so deeply were they part of her . The orange light through the drawn blind , the sarcophagus of her figure on the bed , the spot of face , the voice searching the vacuity of her illness and finding only remote abstractions . Leaving her room he sent the nurse in to her . There were other patients to see : an American girl of fifteen who had been brought up on the basis that childhood was intended to be all fun - his visit was provoked by the fact that she had just hacked off all her hair with nail scissors . There was nothing much to be done for her - a family history of neurosis and nothing stable in her past to build on . The father , normal and conscientious himself , had tried to protect a nervous brood from life 's troubles and had succeeded merely in preventing them from developing powers of adjustment to life 's inevitable surprises . There was little that Dick could say : " Helen , when you 're in doubt you must ask a nurse , you must learn to take advice . Promise me you will . " What was a promise with the head sick ? He looked in upon a frail exile from the Caucasus buckled securely in a sort of hammock , which in turn was submerged in a warm medical bath , and upon the three daughters of a Portuguese general who slid almost imperceptibly toward paresis . He went into the room next to them and told a collapsed psychiatrist that he was better , always better , and the man tried to read his face for conviction , since he hung on the real world only through such reassurance as he could find in the resonance , or lack of it , in Doctor Diver 's voice . After that Dick discharged a shiftless orderly and by then it was the lunch hour . Meals with the patients were a chore he approached with apathy . The gathering , which of course did not include residents at the Eglantine or the Beeches , was conventional enough at first sight , but over it brooded always a heavy melancholy . Such doctors as were present kept up a conversation , but most of the patients , as if exhausted by their morning 's endeavour or depressed by the company , spoke little and ate looking into their plates . He opened the letter . It was from a woman recently discharged , though with scepticism on the part of the faculty . It accused him in no uncertain terms of having seduced her daughter , who had been at her mother 's side during the crucial stage of the illness . It presumed that Mrs Diver would be glad to have this information and learn what her husband was " really like " . Dick read the letter again . Though it was couched in clear and concise English he recognized it as the letter of a maniac . Upon a single occasion he had let the girl , a flirtatious little brunette , ride into Zurich with him , at her request , and in the evening had brought her back to the clinic . In an idle , almost indulgent way , he kissed her . Later , she tried to carry the affair further , but he was not interested and subsequently , probably consequently , the girl had come to dislike him , and had taken her mother away . In the car , with Dick driving , they followed the little promontories of the lake , catching the burn of light and water in the wind - shield , tunnelling through cascades of evergreen . It was Dick 's car , a Renault so dwarfish that they all stuck out of it except the children , between whom Mademoiselle towered mast - like in the rear seat . They knew every kilometre of the road - where they would smell the pine needles and the black stove smoke . A high sun with a face raced on it beat fierce on the straw hats of the children . Nicole was silent ; Dick was uneasy at her straight hard gaze . Often he felt lonely with her , and frequently she tired him with the short floods of personal revelations that she reserved exclusively for him , " I 'm like this - I 'm more like that , " but this afternoon he would have been glad had she rattled on in staccato for a while and given him glimpses of 1er thoughts . The situation was always most threatening when she backed up into herself and closed the doors behind her . At Zug Mademoiselle got out and left them . The Divers approached the Agiri Fair through a menagerie of mammoth steam - rollers that made way for them . Dick parked the car and , as Nicole looked at him without moving , he said : " Come on , darl . " Her lips drew apart into a sudden awful smile and his belly quailed , but as if he hadn 't seen it he repeated : " Come on . So the children can get out . " " Oh , I 'll come all right , " she answered , tearing the words from some story spinning itself out inside her , too fast for him to grasp . " Don 't worry about that . I 'll come - " Dick tried to think what to do . The dualism in his views of her - that of the husband , that of the psychiatrist - was increasingly paralysing his faculties . In these nine years she had several times carried him over the line with her , disarming him by exciting emotional pity or by a flow of wit , fantastic and dissociated so that only after the episode did he realize , with the consciousness of his own relaxation from tension , that she had succeeded in getting a point against his better judgement . A discussion with Topsy about the Guignol - as to whether the Punch was the same Punch they had seen last year in Cannes - having been settled , the family walked along again between the booths under the open sky . The women 's bonnets , perching over velvet vests , the bright , spreading skirts of many cantons , seemed demure against the blue and orange paint of the wagons and displays . There was the sound of a whining , tinkling hootchy - kootchy show . Nicole began to run very suddenly , so suddenly that for a moment Dick did not miss her . Far ahead he saw her yellow dress twisting through the crowd , an ochre stitch along the edge of reality and unreality , and he started after her , Secretly she ran and secretly he followed . As the hot afternoon went shrill and terrible with her flight he had forgotten the children ; then he wheeled and ran back to them , drawing them this way and that by their arms , his eyes jumping from booth to booth . He darted off again , but he had lost her ; he circled the merry - go - round , keeping up with it till he realized he was running beside it , staring always at the same horse . He elbowed through the crowd in the buvette ; then , remembering a predilection of Nicole 's , he snatched up an edge of a fortune - teller 's tent and peered within . A droning voice greeted him : " La septieme fille d ' une septieme fille nee sur les rives du Nil - entrez , Monsieur - - " " That 's just preposterous - let me loose - that 's an insult my intelligence . Don 't you think I saw that girl look at you - that little dark girl . Oh , this is farcical - a child , not more than fifteen . Don 't you think I saw ? " " Home ! " she roared in a voice so abandoned that its louder tones wavered and cracked . " And sit and think that we 're all rotting and the children 's ashes are rotting in every box I open ? That filth ! " A wave of agony went over him . It was awful that such a fine tower should not be erected , only suspended , suspended from him . Up to a point that was right : men were for that , beam and idea , girder and logarithm ; but somehow Dick and Nicole had become one and equal , not opposite and complementary ; she was Dick too , the drought in the marrow of his bones . He could not watch her disintegrations without participating in them . His intuition rilled out of him as tenderness and compassion - he could only take the characteristically modern course , to interpose . He would get a nurse from Zurich , to take her over to - night . There were numerous lottery booths with white wheels . Dick was startled when he inquired at the first and encountered blank disavowals . Evil - eyed , Nicole stood apart , denying the children , resenting them as part of a downright world she sought to make amorphous . Presently Dick found them , surrounded by women who were examining them with delight like fine goods , and by peasant children staring . They started back with a hot sorrow streaming down upon them ; the car was weighted with their mutual apprehension and anguish , and the children 's mouths were grave with disappointment . Grief presented itself in its terrible , dark , unfamiliar colour . Somewhere around Zug , Nicole , with a convulsive effort , reiterated a remark she had made before about a misty yellow house set back from the road that looked like a painting not yet dry , but it was just an attempt to catch at a rope that was paying out too swiftly . Dick tried to rest . The struggle would come presently at home and he might have to sit a long time re - stating the universe for her . A schizophrenic is well named as a split personality - Nicole was alternately a person to whom nothing need be explained and one to whom nothing could be explained . It was necessary to treat her with active and affirmative insistence , keeping the road to reality always open , making the road to escape harder going . But the brilliance , the versatility of madness is akin to the resourcefulness of water seeping through , over , and around a dyke . It requires the united front of many people to work against it . He felt it necessary that this time Nicole cure herself ; he wanted to wait until she remembered the other times and revolted from them . In a tired way he planned that they would again resume the regime relaxed two years before . The children were screaming and Nicole was screaming and cursing and trying to tear at Dick 's face . Thinking first of the list of the car and unable to estimate it , Dick bent away Nicole 's arm , climbed over the top side and lifted out the children ; then he saw the car was in a stable position . Before doing anything else he stood there shaking and panting . " Take Topsy 's hand , " he said to Lanier , " like that , tight , and climb up that hill - see the little path ? When you get to the inn tell them , " La voiture Divare est cassee . " Someone must come right down . " He and Nicole looked at each other directly , their eyes like blazing windows across a court of the same house . Then she took out a compact , looked in its mirror , and smoothed back the temple hair . Dick watched the children climbing for a moment until they disappeared among the pines halfway up ; then he walked around the car to see the damage and plan how to get it back on the road . In the dirt he could trace the rocking course they had pursued for over a hundred feet ; he was filled with a violent disgust that was not like anger . " My God ! " he exclaimed . " How did it happen ? Were you going fast ? What luck ! Except for that tree you 'd have rolled down hill . " Taking advantage of Emile 's reality , the wide black apron , the sweat upon the rolls of his face , Dick signalled to Nicole in a matter - of - fact way to let him help her from the car ; whereupon she jumped over the lower side , lost her balance on the slope , fell to her knees , and got up again . As she watched the man trying to move the car her expression became defiant . Welcoming even that mood , Dick said : " I don 't want to go away with Nicole . I want to go away alone . This last thing knocked me sideways - if I get two hour 's sleep in twenty - four , it 's one of Zwingli 's miracles . " " The word is " absence " . Look here : if I go to Berlin to the Psychiatric Congress could you manage to keep the peace ? For three months she 's been all right and she likes her nurse . My God , you 're the only human being in this world I can ask this of . " In Zurich the next week Dick drove to the airport and took the big plane for Munich . Soaring and roaring into the blue , he felt numb , realizing how tired he was . A vast persuasive quiet stole over him and he abandoned sickness to the sick , sound to the motors , direction to the pilot . He had no intention of attending so much as a single session of the congress - he could imagine it well enough , new pamphlets by Bleuler and the elder Forel that he could much better digest at home , the paper by the American who cured dementia praecox by pulling out his patients ' teeth or cauterizing their tonsils , the half - derisive respect with which this idea would be greeted , for no more reason than that America was such a rich and powerful country . The other delegates from America - red - headed Schwartz with his saint 's face and his infinite patience in straddling two worlds , as well as dozens of commercial alienists with hang - dog faces , who would be present partly to increase their standing , and hence their reach for the big plums of criminal practice , partly to master novel sophistries that they could weave into their stock in trade , to the infinite confusion of all values . There would be cynical Latins and some man of Freud 's from Vienna . Articulate among them would be the great Jung , bland , super - vigorous , on his rounds between the forests of anthropology and the neuroses of schoolboys . At first there would be an American cast to the congress , almost Rotarian in its forms and ceremonies , then the closer - knit European vitality would fight through , and finally the Americans would play their trump card , the announcement of colossal gifts and endowments , of great new plants and training schools , and in the presence of the figures the Europeans would blanch and walk timidly . But he would not be there to see . They skirted the Vorarlberg Alps , and Dick felt a pastoral delight in watching the villages . There were always four or five in sight , each one gathered around a church . It was simple looking at the earth from far off , simAn Englishman spoke to him from across the aisle , but he found something antipathetic in the English lately . England was like a rich man after a disastrous orgy who makes up to the household by chatting with them individually , when it i obvious to them that he is only trying to get back his self - respect in order to usurp his former power . Dick had with him what magazines were available on the station quays : the Century , the Motion Picture , L ' Illustration , and Fliegende Blatter , but it was more fun to descend in his imagination into the villages and shake hands with the rural characters . He sat in the churches as he sat in his father 's church in Buffalo , amid the starchy must of Sunday clothes , He listened to the wisdom of the Near East , was Crucified , Died , and was Buried in the cheerful church , and once more worried between five or ten cents for the collection plate , because of the girl who sat in the pew behind . The Englishman suddenly borrowed his magazines with a little small change of conversation , and Dick , glad to see them go , thought of the voyage ahead of him . Wolf - like under his sheep 's clothing of long - staple Australian wool , he considered the world of pleasure - the incorruptible Mediterranean with sweet old dirt caked in the olive trees , the peasant girl near Savona with a face as green and rose as the colour of an illuminated missal . He would take her in his hands and snatch her across the border … … but there he deserted her - he must press on toward Isles of Greece , the cloudy waters of unfamiliar ports , the lost girl on shore , the moon of popular songs . A part of Dick 's mind was made up of the tawdy souvenirs of his boyhood . Yet in that somewhat littered Five - and - Ten , he had managed to keep alive the low painful fire of intelligence . Tommy was at a table laughing his martial laugh : " Um - buh - ha - ha ! Um - buh - ha - ha ! " As a rule he drank little ; courage was his game and his companions were always a little afraid of him . Recently an eighth of the area of his skull had been removed by a Warsaw surgeon and was knitting under his hair , and the weakest person in the cafe could have killed him with a flip of a knotted napkin . " Now let 's not have any more talk about aunts . How do I know you didn 't make up the whole thing ? Here you are a complete stranger with an acquaintance of less than half an hour , you come to me with a cock - and - bull story about your aunts . How do I know what you have concealed about you ? " Tommy laughed again , then he said good - naturedly , but firmly , " That 's enough , Carly . Sit down , Dick - how 're you ? How 's Nicole ? " He did not like any man very much or feel men 's presence with much intensity - he was all relaxed for combat ; as a fine athlete playing secondary defence in any sport is really resting much of the time , while a lesser man only pretends to rest and is at a continual and self - destroying nervous tension . " Well , how 're you ? " repeated Tommy . " You don 't look so - " he fought for a word , " - so jaunty as you used to , so spruce , you know what I mean . " " Some trouble . We left three Red Guards dead at the border . Tommy left two - " He held up two fingers like a Frenchman - " I left one . " It was an escape story in the best tradition - an aristocrat hiding nine years with a former servant and working in a government bakery ; the eighteen - year - old daughter in Paris who knew Tommy Barban … During the narrative Dick decided that this parched papier - mache relic of the past was scarcely worth the lives of three young men . The question arose as to whether Tommy and Chillichev had been frightened . " When I was cold , " Tommy said . " I always get scared when I 'm cold . During the war I was always frightened when I was cold . " " Oh , are you ? " exclaimed McKibben . " Why not come with us ? It 's a big Packard and there 's only my wife and my children and myself - and the governess - " " Oh , " McKibben 's face fell . " Well , I 'll say good - bye . " He unscrewed two blooded wire - hairs from a nearby table and lingered ; Dick pictured the jammed Packard pounding toward Innsbruck with the McKibbens and their children and their baggage and yapping dogs - and the governess . " The paper says they know the man who killed him , " said Tommy . " But his cousins did not want it in the papers , because it happened in a speakeasy . What do you think of that ? " " He 's dead . He was beaten to death in a speakeasy in New York . He just managed to crawl home to the Racquet Club to die - " Dick got up , Tommy too . Prince Chillichev started out of . wan study of nothing , perhaps of his chances of ever getting out of Russia , a study that had occupied him so long at it was doubtful if he could give it up immediately , and joined them in leaving . " We 're waiting for a tailor to finish some suits so we can et to Paris . I 'm going into stock - broking and they wouldn 't take me if I showed up like this . Everybody in your country is making millions . Are you really leaving to - morrow ? We can 't even have dinner with you . It seems the Prince had an old girl in Munich . He called her up but she 'd been dead five years and we 're having dinner with the two daughters . " He slept deep and awoke to a slow mournful march passing his window . It was a long column of men in uniform , wearing the familiar helmet of 1914 , thick men in frock coats and silk hats , burghers , aristocrats , plain men . It was a society of veterans going to lay wreaths on the tombs of the dead . The column marched slowly with a sort of swagger for a lost magnificence , a past effort , a forgotten sorrow . The faces were only formally sad , but Dick 's lungs burst for a moment with regret for Abe 's death , and his own youth of ten years ago . He reached Innsbruck at dusk , sent his bags up to a hotel and walked into town . In the sunset the Emperor Maximilian knelt in prayer above his bronze mourners : a quartet of Jesuit novices paced and read in the university garden . The marble souvenirs of old sieges , marriages , anniversaries , faded quickly when the sun was down , and he had Erbsen - suppe with Wurstchen cut up in it , drank four seidels of Pilsner and refused a formidable dessert known as Kaiserschmarren . Despite the overhanging mountains Switzerland was far away , Nicole was far away . Walking in the garden later when it was quite dark he thought about her with detachment , loving her for her best self . He remembered once when the grass was damp and she came to him on hurried feet , her thin slippers drenched with dew . She stood upon his shoes nestling close and held up her face , showing it as a book open at a page . But Dick had come away for his soul 's sake , and he began thinking about that . He had lost himself - he could not tell the hour when , or the day or the week , the month or the year . Once he had cut through things , solving the most complicated equations as the simplest problems of his simplest patients . Between the time he found Nicole flowering under a stone on the Zurichsee and the moment of his meeting with Rosemary the spear had been blunted . Watching his father 's struggles in poor parishes had wedded a desire for money to an essentially unacquisitive nature . It was not a healthy necessity for security - he had never felt more sure of himself , more thoroughly his own man , than at the time of his marriage to Nicole . Yet he had been swallowed up like a gigolo and had somehow permitted his arsenal to be locked up in the Warren safety - deposit vaults . " There should have been a settlement in the Continental style ; but it isn 't over yet . I 've wasted nine years teaching the rich the ABC 's of human decency , but I 'm not done . I 've got too many unplayed trumps in my hand . " He loitered among the fallow rose bushes and the beds of damp sweet indistinguishable fern . It was warm for October , but cool enough to wear a heavy tweed coat buttoned by a little elastic tape at the neck . A figure detached itself from the black shape of a tree and he knew it was the woman whom he had passed in the lobby coming out . He vas in love with every pretty woman he saw now , their forms at a distance , their shadows on a wall . - Was it an invitation ? Or an indication of obliviousness ? He had long been outside of the world of simple desires and their fulfilments , and he was inept and uncertain . For all he knew there might be some code among the wanderers of obscure spas by which they found each other quickly . He moved closer , the shadow moved sideways . Possibly he would be snubbed like the scapegrace drummers he had heard of in youth . His heart beat loud in contact with the unprobed , undissected , unanalysed , unaccounted for . Suddenly he turned away and , as he did , the girl , too , broke the black frieze she made with the foliage , rounded a bench at a moderate but determined pace and took the path back to the hotel . With a guide and two other men , Dick started up the Birkkarspitze next morning . It was a fine feeling once they were above the cowbells of the highest pastures - Dick looked forward to the night in the shack , enjoying his own fatigue , enjoying the captaincy of the guide , feeling a delight in his own anonymity . But at mid - day the weather changed to black sleet and hail and mountain thunder . Dick and one of the other climbers wanted to go on , but the guide refused . Regretfully they struggled back to Innsbruck to start again to - morrow . After dinner and a bottle of heavy local wine in the deserted dining - room , he felt excited , without knowing why , until he began thinking of the garden . He had passed the girl in the lobby before supper and this time she had looked at him and approved of him , but it kept worrying him : Why ? When I could have had a good share of the pretty women of my time for the asking , why start that now ? With a wraith , with a fragment of my desire ? Why ? Upstairs he walked around thinking of the matter and laying out his climbing clothes advantageously on the faint heater : he again encountered Nicole 's telegram , still unopened , with which diurnally she accompanied his itinerary . He had delayed opening it before supper - perhaps because of the garden . It was a cablegram from Buffalo , forwarded through Zurich . The atavism passed and he walked the room still , stopping from time to time to look at the telegram . Holmes was formally his father 's curate but actually , and for a decade , rector the church . How did he die ? Of old age - he was seventy - five . He had lived a long time . Dick felt sad that he had died alone - he had survived his wife , and his brothers and sisters ; there were cousins in Virginia , but they were poor and not able to come North , and Holmes had had to sign the telegram . Dick loved his father again and again he referred judgements to what his father would probably have thought or done . Dick was born several months after the death of two young sisters , and his father , jessing what would be the effect on Dick 's mother , had saved him from a spoiling by becoming his moral guide . He vas of tired stock yet he raised himself to that effort . In the summer father and son walked downtown together to have their shoes shined - Dick in his starched duck sailor suit , his father always in beautifully cut clerical clothes - and the father was very proud of his handsome little boy . He told Dick all he knew about life , not much but most of it true , simple things , matters of behaviour that came within his clergyman 's range . " Once in a strange town when I was first ordained , I went into a crowded room and was confused as to who was my hostess . Several people I knew came toward me , but I disregarded them because I had seen a greyhaired woman sitting by a window far across the room . I went over to her and introduced myself . After that I made many friends in that town . " Dick sent down for a newspaper . Still pacing to and from the telegram open on his bureau , he chose a ship to go to America . Then he put in a call for Nicole in Zurich , remembering so many things as he waited , and wishing he had always been as good as he had intended to be . Next day at the churchyard his father was laid among a hundred Divers , Dorseys , and Hunters . It was very friendly leaving him there with all his relations around him . Flowers were scattered on the brown unsettled earth . Dick had no more ties here now and did not believe he would come back . He knelt on the hard soil . These dead , he knew them all , their weather - beaten faces with blue flashing eyes , the spare violent bodies , the souls made of new earth in the forest - heavy darkness of the seventeenth century . On the long - roofed , steamship piers one is in a country that is no longer here and not yet there . The hazy yellow vault is full of echoing shouts . There are the rumble of trucks and the clump of trunks , the strident chatter of cranes , the first salt smell of the sea . One hurries through , even though there 's time ; the past , the continent , is behind ; the future is the glowing mouth in the side of the ship ; the dun , turbulent alley is loo confusedly the present . Up the gangplank and the vision of the world adjusts itself , narrows . One is a citizen of a commonwealth smaller than Andorra , no longer sure of anything . The men at the purser 's desk are as oddly shaped as the cabins ; disdainful are the eyes of voyagers and their friends . Next the loud mournful whistles , the portentous vibration and the boat , the human idea , is in motion . The pier and its faces slide by and for a moment the boat is a piece accidentally split off from them ; the faces become remote , voiceless , the pier is one of many blurs along the water - front . The harbour flows swiftly toward the sea . With it flowed Albert McKisco , labelled by the newspapers as the steamer 's most precious cargo . McKisco was having a vogue . His novels were pastiches of the work of the best people of his time , a feat not to be disparaged , and in addition he possessed a gift for softening and debasing what he borrowed , so that many readers were charmed by the ease with which they could follow him . Success had improved him and humbled him . He was no fool about his capacities - he realized that he possessed more vitality than many men of superior talent , and he was resolved to enjoy the success he had earned . " I 've done nothing yet , " he would say . " I don 't think I 've got any real genius . But if I keep trying I may write a good book . " Fine dives have been made from flimsier spring - boards . The innumerable snubs of the past were forgotten . Indeed , his success was founded psychologically upon his duel with Tommy Barban , upon the basis of which , as it withered in his memory , he had created , afresh , a new self - respect . Spotting Dick Diver the second day out , he eyed him tentatively , then introduced himself in a friendly way and sat down . Dick laid aside his reading and , after the few minutes that it took to realize the change in McKisco , the disappearance of the man 's annoying sense of inferiority , found himself pleased to talk to him . McKisco was " well - informed " on a range of subjects wider than Goethe 's - it was interesting to listen to the innumerable facile combinations that he referred to as his opinions . They struck up an acquaintance and Dick had several meals with them . The McKiscos had been invited to sit at the captain 's table , but with nascent snobbery they told Dick that " they couldn 't stand that bunch . " Violet was very grand now , decked out by the grand couturiers , charmed about the little discoveries that well - bred girls make in their teens . She could , indeed , have learned them from her mother in Boise but her soul was born dismally in the small movie houses of Idaho , and she had had no time for her mother . Now she " belonged " - together with several million other people - and she was happy , though her husband still shushed her when she grew violently naive . The McKiscos got off at Gibraltar . Next evening in Naples Dick picked up a lost and miserable family of two girls and their mother in the bus from the hotel to the station . He had seen them on the ship . An overwhelming desire to help , or to be admired , came over him : he showed them fragments of gaiety ; tentatively he bought them wine , with pleasure saw them begin to regain their proper egotism . He pretended they were this and that and , falling in with his own plot , drank too much to sustain the illusion , and all this time the women thought only that this was a windfall from heaven . He withdrew from them as the night waned and the train rocked and snorted at Cassino and Frosinone . Early in the morning , after weird American partings in the station at Rome , Dick went to the Hotel Quirinal , somewhat exhausted . Simultaneously Rosemary saw him , acknowledging him before placing him ; she looked back startled and , leaving the girl she was with , she hurried over . Holding himself erect , holding his breath , Dick turned to her . As she came across the lobby , her beauty all groomed like a young horse dosed with Black - seed oil and hoofs varnished , shocked him awake ; but it all came too quick for him to do anything except conceal his fatigue as best he could . To meet her starry - eyed confidence he mustered an insincere pantomime implying , " You would turn up here - of all the people in the world . " He slept over the phone call but awoke at one , refreshed . Unpacking his bag , he sent out suits and laundry . He shaved , lay for half an hour in a warm bath and had breakfast . The sun had dipped into the Via Nazionale and he let it through the portieres with a jingling of old brass rings . Waiting for a suit to be pressed , he read the Corriere della Sera and learned about " una novella di Sainclair Lewis Wall Street nellaquale l ' autore analizzala vita sociale di unapiccola citta Americana . " Then he tried to think about Rosemary . At first he thought nothing . She was young and magnetic , but so was Topsy . He guessed that she had had lovers and had loved them in the last four years . Well , you never knew exactly how much space you occupied in people 's lives . Yet from this fog his affection emerged - the best contacts are when one knows the obstacles and still wants to preserve a relation . The past drifted back and he wanted to hold her eloquent giving - of - herself in its precious shell , till he enclosed it , till it no longer existed outside him . He tried to collect all that might attract her - it was less than it had been four years ago . Eighteen might look at thirty - four through a rising mist of adolescence ; but twenty - two would see thirty - eight with discerning clarity . Moreover , Dick had been at an emotional peak at the time of the previous encounter ; since then there had been a lesion of enthusiasm . When the valet returned he put on a white shirt and collar and a black tie with a pearl ; the cords of his reading glasses passed through another pearl of the same size that swung a casual inch below . After sleep , his face had resumed the ruddy brown of many Riviera summers , and to limber himself up he stood on his hands on a chair until his fountain pen and coins fell out . At three he called Rosemary and was bidden to come up . Momentarily dizzy from his acrobatics , he stopped in the bar for a gin - and - tonic . " I was in Florence and I heard she was here , so I came down last week . You 'd never know Mama 's little girl . " He modified the remark , " I mean she was so carefully brought up and now she 's a woman of the world - if you know what I mean . Believe me , has she got some of these Roman boys tied up in bags ! And how ! " " You 're fine again , I was scared this morning . Mother 's coming over next month , if the company stays . She always asks me if I 've seen you over here , as if she thought we were living next door . Mother always liked you - she always felt you were someone I ought to know . " The phone rang . While she answered it Dick examined two novels - one by Edna Ferber , one by Albert McKisco . The waiter came for the table ; bereft of its presence Rosemary seemed more alone in her black pyjamas . " … I have a caller … No , not very well . I 've got to go to the costumier 's for a long fitting … No , not now … " But again the phone called her . Dick got up to change his hat from the bed to the luggage stand , and in alarm Rosemary put her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone . " You 're not going ! " " Me , too , " Rosemary agreed . " The man that just phoned me once knew a second cousin of mine . Imagine calling anybody up for a reason like that ! " Now she lowered the lights for love . Why else should she want to shut off his view of her ? He sent his words to her like letters , as though they left him some time before they reached her . " Hard to sit here and be close to you , and not kiss you . " Then they kissed passionately in the centre of the floor . She pressed against him , and went back to her chair . It could not go on being merely pleasant in the room . Forward or backward ; when the phone rang once more he strolled into the bedchamber and lay down on her bed , opening Albert McKisco 's novel . Presently Rosemary came in and sat beside him . She kissed him and he pulled her down so that they lay side by side , and then they kissed till they were both breathless . Her breathing was young and eager and exciting . Her lips were faintly chapped but soft in the corners . " That would be poetic justice if it should be you , " she said . She twisted away from him , walked to the mirror , and boxed her disarranged hair with her hands . Presently she drew a chair close to the bed and stroked his cheek . He shook himself straight in his clothes and smoothed his hair . A moment had come and somehow passed . For three years Dick had been the ideal by which Rosemary measured other men and inevitably his stature had increased to heroic size . She did not want him to be like other men , yet here were the same exigent demands , as if he wanted to take some of herself away , carry it off in his pocket . Walking on the greensward between cherubs and philosophers , fauns and falling water , she took his arm snugly , settling into it with a series of little readjustments , as if she wanted it to be right because it was going to be there for ever . She plucked a twig and broke it , but she found no spring in it . Suddenly seeing what she wanted in Dick 's face she took his gloved hand and kissed it . Then she cavorted childishly for him until he smiled and she laughed and they began having a good time . He dined alone at the hotel , went to bed early , and met Rosemary in the lobby at half - past six . Beside him in the car she glowed away fresh and new in the morning sunshine . They went out through the Porta San Sebastiano and along the Appian Way until they came to the huge set of the forum , larger than the forum itself . Rosemary turned him over to a man who led him about the great props : the arches and tiers of seats and the sanded arena . She was working on a stage which represented a guard - room for Christian prisoners , and presently they went there and watched Nicotera , one of many hopeful Valentinos , strut and pose before a dozen female " captives , " their eyes melancholy and startling with mascara . " Who 's on the hop - you 're on the hop yourself . " He spoke vehemently to Dick , as if to a jury . " When he 's on the hop he always thinks everybody else is , and how ! " He glared at the guide a moment longer , then he clapped his hands : " All right - everybody on the set . " It was like visiting a great turbulent family . An actress approached Dick and talked to him for five minutes under the impression that he was an actor recently arrived from London . Discovering her mistake she scuttled away in panic . The majority of the company felt either sharply superior or sharply inferior to the world outside , but the former feeling prevailed . They were people of bravery and industry ; they were risen to a position of prominence in a nation that for a decade had wanted only to be entertained . Dick and Rosemary had luncheon at the Castelli dei Cesari , a splendid restaurant in a high - terraced villa overlooking the ruined forum of an undetermined period of the decadence . Rosemary took a cocktail and a little wine , and Dick took enough so that his feeling of dissatisfaction left him . Afterward they drove back to the hotel , all flushed and happy , in a sort of exalted quiet . She wanted to be taken and she was , and what had begun with a childish infatuation on a beach was accomplished at last . Rosemary had another dinner date , a birthday party for a member of the company . Dick ran into Collis Clay in the lobby , but he wanted to dine alone and pretended an engagement at the Excelsior . He drank a cocktail with Collis and his vague dissatisfaction crystallized as impatience - he no longer had an excuse for playing truant to the clinic . This was less an infatuation than a romantic memory . Nicole was his girl - too often he was sick at heart about her , yet she was his girl . Time with Rosemary was self - indulgence - time with Collis was nothing plus nothing . In the doorway of the Excelsior he ran into Baby Warren . Her large beautiful eyes , looking precisely like marbles , stared at him with surprise and curiosity . " I thought you were in America , Dick ! Is Nicole with you ? " " That was when you were leading that hermit 's life on the Riviera , up on a hill way off from anybody . I didn 't mean to go back to that life . I meant , for instance , London . The English are the best - balanced race in the world . " " They are . I know them , you see . I meant it might be nice for you to take a house in London for the spring season - I know a dove of a house in Talbot Square you could get , furnished . I mean , living with sane , well - balanced English people . " " I understand that , I told you how sorry I was . " She fiddled with the glass grapes on her necklace . " But there 's so much money now . Plenty for everything , and it ought to be used to get Nicole well . " " Oh , you understand , " she assured him . " Don 't think for a moment that we 're not grateful for all you 've done . And we know you 've had a hard time - " " But you do love Nicole ? " she demanded in alarm . Collis was catching up with the conversation now and Dick switched it quickly : " Suppose we talk about something else - about you , for instance . Why don 't you get married ? We heard you were engaged to Lord Paley , the cousin of the - - " " Why don 't you marry ? " Dick insisted stubbornly . " I don 't know . One of the men I loved was killed in the war , and the other one threw me over . " " Both of them were Englishmen . I don 't think there 's any higher type in the world than a first - rate Englishman , do you ? If there is I haven 't met him . This man - oh , it 's a long story . I hate long stories , don 't you ? " " And how ! " said Collis . " Why , no - I like them if they 're good . " " That 's something you do so well , Dick . You can keep a party moving by just a little sentence or a saying here and there . I think that 's a wonderful talent . " Dick did not even bother to dissent from this . " Of course I know people say . Baby Warren is racing around over Europe , chasing one novelty after another , and missing the best things in life , but I think on the contrary that I 'm one of the few people who really go after the best things . I 've known the most interesting people of my time . " Her voice blurred with the tinny drumming of another guitar number , but she called over it , " I 've made very few big mistakes - " She had caught something facetious in his eye and she changed the subject . It seemed impossible for them to hold anything in common . But he admired something in her , and he deposited her at the Excelsior with a series of compliments that left her shimmering . Rosemary insisted on treating Dick to lunch next day . They went to a little trattoria kept by an Italian who had worked in America , and ate ham and eggs and waffles . Afterwards they went to the hotel . Dick 's discovery that he was not in love with her , nor she with him , had added to rallier than diminished his passion for her . Now that he knew he would not enter further into her life , she became the strange woman for him . He supposed many men meant no more than that when they said they were in love - not a wild submergence of soul , a dipping of all colours into an obscuring dye , such as his love for Nicole had been . Certain thoughts about Nicole , that she should die , sink into mental darkness , love another man , made him physically sick . Nicotera was in Rosemary 's sitting - room , chattering about a professional matter . When Rosemary gave him his cue to go , he left with humorous protests and a rather insolent wink at Dick . As usual the phone clamoured and Rosemary was engaged at it for ten minutes to Dick 's increasing impatience . " Oh , no . " She was shocked . " There was nothing before . You were the first man I cared about . You 're still the only man I really care about . " She considered . " It was about a year , I think . " " I 'll bet I can tell you about it : the first affair was unsatisfactory and after that there was a long gap . The second was better , but you hadn 't been in love with the man in the first place . The third was all right - " Torturing himself he ran on . " Then you had one real affair that fell of its own weight , and by that time you were getting afraid that you wouldn 't have anything to give to the man you finally loved . " He felt increasingly Victorian . " Afterward there were half a dozen just episodic affairs , right up to the present . Is that close ? " " This telephoning takes time , " he said . " It 's after four and I have an engagement at five . You better go play with Signor Nicotera . " " It 's difficult . " She was suddenly crying . " Dick , I do love you , never anybody like you . But what have you got for me ? " " Yes , then . We 're a lot together , he wants to marry me , but I don 't want to . What of it ? What do you expect me to do ? You never asked me to marry you . Do you want me to play around for ever with halfwits like Collis Clay ? " " That 's none of your business , " she sobbed . " Excuse me , Dick , it is your business . You and Mother are the only two people in the world I care about . " " I feel comfortable and happy when I 'm with you . In Paris it was different . But you never know how you once felt . Do you ? " " I don 't care about Nicotera ! " she declared . " But I 've got to go to Livorno with the company to - morrow . Oh , why did this have to happen ? " There was a new flood of tears . " It 's such a shame . Why did you come here ? Why couldn 't we just have the memory anyhow ? I feel as if I 'd quarrelled with Mother . " " I won 't go to the party to - night . " It was her last effort . " I 'll stay with you . I don 't want to go anyhow . " There were five people in the Quirinal bar after dinner , a high - class Italian frail who sat on a stool making persistent conversation against the bartender 's bored " Si … Si … Si , " a light , snobbish Egyptian who was lonely but chary of the woman , and the two Americans . " This afternoon I had tea with my sister - in - law at the Excelsior . We got the last table and two men came up and looked around for a table and couldn 't find one . So one of them came up to us and said , " Isn 't this table reserved for the Princess Orsini ? " and I said , " There was no sign on it , " and he said : " But I think it 's reserved for the Princess Orsini . " I couldn 't even answer him . " " He retired . " Dick switched around in his chair . " I don 't like these people . The other day I left Rosemary for two minutes in front of a store and an officer started walking up and down in front of her , tipping his hat . " " I don 't know , " he persisted . " I don 't mind it here . " Dick evoked the picture that the few days had imprinted on his mind , and stared at it . The walk toward the American Express past the odorous confectioneries of the Via Nazionale , through the foul tunnel up to the Spanish Steps , where his spirit soared before the flower stalls and the house where Keats had died . He cared only about people ; he was scarcely conscious of places except for their weather , until they had been invested with colour by tangible events . Rome was the end of his dream of Rosemary . A bell - boy came in and gave him a note . " I did not go to the party , " it said . " I am in my room . We leave for Livorno early in the morning . " They inspected the tart at the bar , granting her the minimum of interest exacted by her profession , and she stared back with bright boldness ; they went through the deserted lobby oppressed by draperies holding Victorian dust in stuffy folds , and they nodded at the night concierge , who returned the gesture with the bitter servility peculiar to night servants . Then in a taxi they rode along cheerless streets through a dank November night . There were no women in the streets , only pale men with dark coats buttoned to the neck , who stood in groups beside shoulders of old stone . " I was thinking of that man this afternoon : " This table is served for the Princess Orsini . " Do you know what these old Roman families are ? They 're bandits , they 're the ones who got possession of the temples and palaces after Rome vent to pieces and preyed on the people . " At the Bonbonieri they descended to a panelled cabaret , hopelessly impermanent amid the cold stone . A listless band played a tango and a dozen couples covered the wide floor with those elaborate and dainty steps so offensive to the American eye . A surplus of waiters precluded the stir and bustle that even a few busy men can create ; over the scene as its form of animation brooded an air of waiting for something the dance , the night , the balance of forces which kept it stable - to cease . It assured the impressionable guest that whatever he was seeking he would not find it here . This was plain as plain to Dick . He looked around , hoping his eye would catch on something , so that spirit instead of imagination could carry on for an hour . But there was nothing and after a moment he turned back to Collis . He had told Collis some of his current notions , and he was bored with his audience 's short memory and lack of response . After half an hour of Collis he felt a distinct lesion of his own vitality . The Negro got up sourly and went away , leaving Dick in a still more evil humour . But he saw a girl smiling at him from across the room and immediately the pale Roman shapes around him receded into decent , humble perspective . She was a young English girl , with blonde hair and a healthy , pretty English face , and she smiled at him again with an invitation he understood , that denied the flesh even in the act of tendering it . Sobered by excitement , Dick danced . He found in the girl a suggestion of all the pleasanter English things ; the story of safe gardens ringed around by the sea was implicit in her bright voice and , as he leaned back to look at her , he meant what he said to her so sincerely that his voice trembled . When her current escort should leave , she promised to come and sit with them . The Englishman accepted her return with repeated apologies and smiles . " She looks like somebody in the movies , " he said . " I can 't think who . " He glanced impatiently over his shoulder . " Wonder what 's keeping her ? " " I 'd like to get in the movies , " said Collis thoughtfully . " I 'm supposed to go into my father 's business but it doesn 't appeal to me much . Sit in an office in Atlanta for twenty years - " Clay walked off into space . Dick finished his bottle and then danced with the English girl again , conquering his unwilling body with bold revolutions and stern determined marches down the floor . The most remarkable thing suddenly happened . He was dancing with the girl , the music stopped - and she had disappeared . He stood up by the bar . There were two other men there , but he could think of no way of starting a conversation . He could have told them all about Rome and the violent origins of the Colonna and Gaetani families , but he realized that as a beginning that would be somewhat abrupt . A row of Yenci dolls on the cigar counter fell suddenly to the floor ; there was a subsequent confusion and he had a sense of having been the cause of it , so he went back to the cabaret and drank a cup of black coffee . Collis was gone and the English girl was gone and there seemed nothing to do but go back to the hotel and lie down with his black heart . He paid his check and got his hat and coat . There was dirty water in the gutters and between the rough cobblestones ; a marshy vapour from the Campagna , a sweat of exhausted cultures tainted the morning air . A quartet of taxi - drivers , their little eyes bobbing in dark pouches , surrounded him . One who leaned insistently in his face he pushed harshly away . " I understand . I 'll give him fifty lire . Go on away . " This first to the insistent man who had edged up once more . The man looked at him and spat contemptuously . They surged about him , threatening , waving their arms , trying ineffectually to close in on him - with his back against the wall Dick hit out clumsily , laughing a little , and for a few minutes the mock fight , an affair of foiled rushes and padded , glancing blows , swayed back and forth in front of the door . Then Dick tripped and fell ; he was hurt somewhere but he struggled up again , wrestling in arms that suddenly broke apart . There was a new voice and a new argument , but he leaned against the wall , panting and furious at the indignity of his position . He saw there was no sympathy for him , but he was unable to believe that he was wrong . At a desk sat a captain , to whom the officious individual who had stopped the battle spoke at length in Italian , at times pointing at Dick and letting himself be interrupted by the taxi - men , who delivered short bursts of invective and denunciation . The captain began to nod impatiently . He held up his hand and the hydra - headed address , with a few parting exclamations , died away . Then he turned to Dick . " Alors . Ecoute . Va au Quirinal . Espece d ' endormi . Ecoule : vous etes saoul . Payez ce que le chauffeur demande . Comprenez - vous ? " " Ecoute , " he cried portentously . " Vous etes saoul . Vous avez battu le chauffeur . Comme ci , comme ca . " He struck the air excitedly with right hand and left . " C ' est bon que je vous donne la liberte . Payez ce qu ' il a dit - cento lire . Va au Quirinal . " " All right . " He turned blindly to the door - before him , leering and nodding , was the man who had brought him to the police station . " I 'll go home , " he shouted , " but first I 'll fix this baby . " For a moment he stood over him in savage triumph - but even as a first pang of doubt shot through him the world reeled ; he was clubbed down , and fists and boots beat on him in a savage tattoo . He felt his nose break like a shingle and his eyes jerk as if they had snapped back on a rubber band into his head . A rib splintered under a stamping heel . Momentarily he lost consciousness , regained it as he was raised to a sitting position and his wrists jerked together with handcuffs . He struggled automatically . The plainclothes ' lieutenant whom he had knocked down stood dabbing his jaw with a handkerchief and looking into it for blood ; he came over to Dick , poised himself , drew back his arm and smashed him to the floor . " Go to the Excelsior Hotel , " he cried faintly . " Tell Miss Warren . Two hundred lire ! Miss Warren . Due centi lire ! Oh , you dirty - you God - " Until one o ' clock Baby Warren lay in bed , reading one of Marion Crawford 's curiously inanimate Roman stories ; then she went to a window and looked down into the street . Across from the hotel two carabinieri , grotesque in swaddling capes and harlequin hats , swung voluminously from this side and that , like mains ' ls coming about , and watching them she thought of the Guards officer who had stared at her so intensely at lunch . He had possessed the arrogance of a tall member of a short race , with no obligation save to be tall . Had he come up to her and said : " Let 's go Jong , you and I , " she would have answered : " Why not ? " - at least it seemed so now , for she was still disembodied by an unfamiliar background . " Your friend name Deever he 's in a trouble . He had trouble with the police , and they have him in the jail . He sent a taxi up to tell , the driver says that he promised him two hundred lire . " He paused cautiously for this to be approved . " The driver says Mr Deever in the bad trouble . He had a fight with the police and is terribly bad hurt . " She dressed to an accompaniment of anxious heartbeats and ten minutes later stepped out of the elevator into the dark lobby . The chauffeur who brought the message was gone : the concierge hailed another one and told him the location of the jail . As they rode , the darkness lifted and thinned outside and Baby 's nerves , scarcely awake , cringed faintly at the unstable balance between night and day . She began to race against the day ; sometimes on the broad avenues she gained , but whenever the thing that was pushing up paused for a moment , gusts of wind blew here and there impatiently and the slow creep of light began once more . The cab went past a loud fountain splashing in a voluminous shadow , turned into an alley so curved that the buildings were warped and strained following it , bumped and rattled over cobblestones , and stopped with a jerk where two sentry boxes were bright against a wall of green damp . Suddenly from the violet darkness of an archway came Dick 's voice , shouting and screaming . His voice died away and she heard a dull sound of beating on the door . Then the voice began again . " Are there any Americans ? Are there any English ? " In French she execrated them ; her wild , confident rage filled the room , enveloped them until they shrank and wriggled from the garments of blame with which she invested them . " Do something ! Do something ! " Once more Baby let her passion scorch around them until they sweated out apologies for their impotence , looking at each other with the sense that something had after all gone terribly wrong . Baby went to the cell door , leaned against it , almost caressing it , as if that could make Dick feel her presence and power , and cried : " I 'm going to the Embassy , I 'll be back . " Throwing a last glance of infinite menace at the carabinieri she ran out . She drove to the American Embassy , where she paid off the taxi - driver upon his insistence . It was still dark when she ran up the steps and pressed the bell . She had pressed it three times before a sleepy English porter opened the door to her . " I can 't wait . They 've put out a man 's eye - my brother - in - law , and they won 't let him out of jail . I must talk to someone - can 't you see ? Are you crazy ? Are you an idiot , you stand there with that look in your face ? " " You 've got to wake someone up ! " She seized him by the shoulders and jerked him violently . " It 's a matter of life and death . If you won 't wake someone a terrible thing will happen to you - - " " It 's a lady , sir , and she has shook me . " He had stepped back to speak and Baby pushed forward into the hall . On an upper landing , just aroused from sleep and wrapped in a white embroidered Persian robe , stood a singular young man . His face was of a monstrous and unnatural pink , vivid yet dead , and over his mouth was fastened what appeared to be a gag . When he saw Baby he moved his head back into a shadow . Baby told him , in her agitation edging forward to the stairs . In the course of her story she realized that the gag was in reality a moustache bandage and that the man 's face was covered with pink cold cream , but the fact fitted quietly into the nightmare . The thing to do , she cried passionately , was for him to come to the jail with her at once and get Dick out . " This trying to fight the police . " A note of personal affront crept into his voice . " I 'm afraid there 's nothing to be done until nine o ' clock . " " ' Till nine o ' clock , " she repeated aghast . " But you can do something , certainly ! You can come to the jail with me and see that they don 't hurt him any more . " " I can 't wait until nine . My brother - in - law says they 've put his eye out - he 's seriously hurt ! I have to get to him . I have to find a doctor . " She let herself go and began to cry angrily as she talked , for she knew that he would respond to her agitation rather than her words . " You 've got to do something about this . It 's your business , to protect American citizens in trouble . " " Write down the address of the Consulate for this lady , " he said to the porter , " and look up Doctor Colazzo 's address and telephone number and write that down too . " He turned to Baby , with the expression of an exasperated Christ . " My dear lady , the diplomatic corps represents the Government of the United States to the Government of Italy . It has nothing to do with the protection of citizens , except under specific instructions from the State Department . Your brother - in - law has broken the laws of this country and has been put in jail , just as an Italian might be put in jail in New York . The only people who can let him go arc the Italian courts , and if your brother - in - law has a case you can get aid and advice from the Consulate , which protects the rights of American citizens . The Consulate does not open until nine o ' clock . Even if it were my brother I couldn 't do anything - " The piazza on which it faced was empty save for an old man gathering cigarette butts with a spiked stick . Baby caught a taxi presently and went to the Consulate , but there was no one there save a trio of wretched women scrubbing the stairs . She could not make them understand that she wanted the Consul 's home address - in a sudden resurgence of anxiety she rushed out and told the chauffeur to take her to the jail . He did not know where it was , but by the use of the words sempre diretto , destra and sinistra she manoeuvred him to its approximate locality , where she dismounted and explored a labyrinth of familiar alleys . But the buildings and the alleys all looked alike . Emerging from one trail into the Piazza di Spagna she saw the American Express Company and her heart lifted at the word " American " on the sign . There was a light in the window and hurrying across the square she tried the door , but it was locked and inside the clock stood at seven . Then she thought of Collis Clay . Collis lay naked upon his bed . He had come in tight and , awakening , it took him some moments to realize his nudity . He atoned for it by an excess of modesty . Taking his clothes into the bathroom he dressed in haste , muttering to himself , " Gosh . She certainly musta got a good look at me . " After some telephoning he and Baby found the jail and went to it . The cell door was open and Dick was slumped on a chair in the guard - room . The carabiniere had washed some of the blood from his face , brushed him , and set his hat concealingly upon his head . Baby stood in the door trembling . She drove to the Consulate ; it was after eight now , and she was permitted to sit in the ante - room . Toward nine the Consul came in and Baby , hysterical with impotence and exhaustion , repeated her story . The Consul was disturbed . He warned her against getting into brawls in strange cities , but he was chiefly concerned that she should wait outside - with despair she read in his elderly eye that he wanted to be mixed up as little as possible in this catastrophe . Waiting on his action she passed the minutes by phoning a doctor to go to Dick . There were other people in the ante - room and several were admitted to the Consul 's office . After half an hour she chose the moment of someone 's coming out and pushed past the secretary into the room . " We 're people of considerable standing in America - " Her mouth hardened as she continued . " If it wasn 't for the scandal we can - I shall see that your indifference to this matter is reported in the proper quarter . If my brother - in - law were a British citizen he 'd have been free hours ago , but you 're more concerned with what the police will think than about what you 're here for . " " You put on your hat and come with me right away . " The mention of his hat alarmed the Consul , who began to clean his spectacles hurriedly and to ruffle his papers . This proved of no avail : the American Woman , aroused , stood over him ; the clean - sweeping irrational temper that had broken the moral back of a race and made a nursery out of a comment , was too much for him . He rang for the vice - consul - Baby had won . Dick sat in the sunshine that fell profusely through the guard - room window . Collis was with him and two carabinieri , and they were waiting for something to happen . With the narrowed vision of his one eye Dick could see the carabinieri ; they were Tuscan peasants with short upper lips and he found it difficult to associate them with the brutality of last night . He sent one of them to fetch him a glass of beer . The beer made him light - headed and the episode was momentarily illumined by a ray of sardonic humour . Collis was under the impression that the English girl had something to do with the catastrophe , but Dick was sure she had disappeared long before it happened . Collis was still absorbed by the fact that Miss Warren had found him naked on his bed . Dick 's rage had retreated into him a little and he felt a vast criminal irresponsibility . What had happened to him was so awful that nothing could make any difference unless he could choke it to death , and , as this was unlikely , he was hopeless . He would be a different person henceforward , and in his raw state he had bizarre feelings of what the new self would be . The matter had about it the impersonal quality of an act of God . No mature Aryan is able to profit by a humiliation ; when he forgives , it has become part of his life , he has identified himself with the thing which has humiliated him - an upshot that in this case was impossible . When Collis spoke of retribution , Dick shook his head and was silent . A lieutenant of carabinieri , pressed , burnished , vital , came into the room like three men and the guards jumped to attention . He seized the empty beer bottle and directed a stream of scolding at his men . The new spirit was in him , and the first thing was to get the beer bottle out of the guard - room . Dick looked at Collis and laughed . The vice - consul , an overworked young man named Swanson , arrived , and they started to the court ; Collis and Swanson on either side of Dick and the two carabinieri close behind . It was a yellow , hazy morning ; the squares and arcades were crowded and Dick , pulling his hat low over his head , walked fast , setting the pace , until one of the short - legged carabinieri ran alongside and protested . Swanson arranged matters . " You 're liable to get killed fighting Italians , " replied Swanson sheepishly . " They 'll probably let you go this time , but if you were an Italian you 'd gel a couple of months in prison . And how ! " " I like him , " announced Dick to Clay . " He 's a very likeable young man and he gives people excellent advice , but I 'll bet he 's been to jail himself . Probably spent weeks at a time in jail . " " Oh , I know how they are , " broke out Dick , irritably . " They 're god damn stinkers . " He turned around to the carabinieri : " Did you get that ? " " I 'm leaving you here , " Swanson said quickly . " I told your sister - in - law I would - our lawyer will meet you upstairs in the court - room . You want to be careful . " Now they came into a courtyard on all four sides of which outer stairways mounted to the chambers above . As they crossed the flags a groaning , hissing , booing sound went up from the loiterers in the courtyard , voices full of fury and scorn . Dick stared about . They came into the court - room . A shabby Italian lawyer from the Consulate spoke at length to the judge while Dick and Collis waited aside . Someone who knew English turned from the window that gave on the yard and explained the sound that had accompanied their passage through . A native of Frascati had raped and slain a five - year - old child and was to be brought in that morning - the crowd had assumed it was Dick . In a few minutes the lawyer told Dick that he was freed - the court considered him punished enough . " Enough ! " Dick cried . " Punished for what ? " " Come along , " said Collis . " You can 't do anything now . " " I want to make a speech , " Dick cried . " I want to explain to these people how I raped a five - year - old girl . Maybe I did - - " Baby was waiting with a doctor in a taxi - cab . Dick did not want to look at her and he disliked the doctor , whose stern manner revealed him as one of that least palatable of European types , the Latin moralist . Dick summed up his conception of the disaster , but no one had much to say . In his room in the Quirinal the doctor washed off the rest of the blood and the oily sweat , set his nose , his fractured ribs and fingers , disinfected the smaller wounds and put a hopeful dressing on the eye . Dick asked for a quarter of a grain of morphine , for he was still wide awake and full of nervous energy . With the morphine he fell asleep ; the doctor and Collis left and Baby waited with him until a woman could arrive from the English nursing home . It had been a hard night but she had the satisfaction of feeling that , whatever Dick 's previous record was , they now possessed a moral superiority over him for as long as he proved of any use . The year is 1928 and the editor has added three words , ' One July morning , ' at the beginning of the chapter to indicate the passage of time . The chronology of the novel requires thirty months , not eighteen , between the Christmas holidays at Gstaad and Dick 's waking at the clinic . One can assume that the Divers spent another year on the Riviera while the clinic was being remodelled , and then eighteen months on the Zugersee . We learn from one manuscript that they rented Villa Diana to a movie queen , who tried to seduce Dick at the dinner they gave for her . ' . . . he had found something antipathetic in the English lately . ' - Dick 's racial antipathies , which he displayed on many occasions , were regarded by the author as a symptom of his deterioration . Writing about his own breakdown , in 1936 , Fitzgerald would say , ' . . . in these latter days I couldn 't stand the sight of Celts , English , Politicians , Strangers , Virginians , Negroes ( light or dark ) , Hunting People , or retail clerks , and middlemen in general , all writers ( I avoided writers very carefully because they can perpetuate trouble as no one else can ) - and all the classes as classes and most of them as members of their class . ' ( The Crack - Up , page 73 ) . ' Mac thinks a Marxian is somebody who went to St Mark 's school . ' - Abe North had gone to St Mark 's before winning a Prix de Rome while he was still an undergraduate at Harvard . Back in New York , after parting from the Divers , he had stayed sober long enough to write the music for a successful light opera . One learns a lot about Abe from reading the early manuscripts of Tender . Fitzgerald could have written a separate novel about him , as he could have written a novel about Rosemary in Hollywood and Europe . The first edition read , ' He unscrewed two blooded wire - hairs from a nearby table and departed ' - but McKibben was still there and interrupting the conversation on the following page . The woman in the hotel garden at Innsbruck was the McKibbens ' governess . There was an account of Dick 's meeting with her in the magazine version of the novel . The two paragraphs about boarding a steamer are rewritten from the beginning of a story , ' The Rough Crossing ' . Fitzgerald tried to save as much as possible from the stories he didn 't intend to republish in a book . In his own phrase , he ' junked and dismantled ' them - that is , he marked the best passages and had them copied in his notebook , so that they would be available for use in a novel . The second meeting with Rosemary was in January , 1929 . Dick , born in 1891 , would be thirty - eight in September ; Rosemary would be twenty - two in July . The fight with the taxi drivers had a long biographical and fictional history . It began as a misadventure of Fitzgerald 's , one that occurred in the winter of 1924 - 25 ; ten years later he would describe it in a letter as ' just about the rottenest thing that ever happened in my life ' ( see The Far Side of Paradise , page 166 ) . He first retold the experience in a never - published magazine article , ' The High Cost of Macaroni ' ; then he rewrote it as the first chapter of the Melarky version of the novel ; then it became the seventh chapter ; then finally the whole episode was recast for Dick Diver , with Baby Warren playing the part once written for Francis Melarky 's mother .

Sunshine . . . . AKA me Cary . Therapist by day Princess by night . I am a Southern girl that was raised in the country but has a heart that belongs in the city . I am still a big ki . I love Jesus . I have a big imagination , big dreams , and big plans . I am a nerd in disguise . I am a book worm , lover of all music , and watcher of many movies . I love to travel and induldge my adventurous side . I enjoy being alone and I love people . I secretly want to be a writer . Whatever I end up doing , I know I can do anything with Jesus in my heart . . . . . I know I am a few days late , but none the less I hope you had a great Christmas . I know I did . This was the first year in a long time that I was sad that it was over . I enjoyed spending time with family and friends , and I got some great gifts . I want to share my top 5 fav 's with you . In my work I hear people say a lot , " No one understands what I am going through . " And I have to admit I have even said it - - a time or two . So even though I know that the statement holds little weight , I understand what it is like to feel all alone and like there is no where to turn . I find myself at this place at Christmas time , and I find my hope in a manger . Matthew 1 : 18 says , " Now this is how Jesus the Messiah was born . His mother , Mary , was engaged to be married to Joseph . But while she was still a virgin , she became pregnant by the Holy Spirit . " I have always thought of the significance on the virgin birth to be to show how powerful and miraculous God is . I read a commentary that showed it in a different light . Mary was impregnated by the Holy Spirit so Jesus was born apart from the sinful nature that is passed on to each of us through Adam . Mary was His mother so He was born completely human . Both God and human at the same time . So He understands human nature and our struggles at the same time that he understands the big picture . So my Christmas gift to you is a reminder that when you feel alone remember that God sent a baby , that grew into man , and died on a cross so that we have someone that gets what we are going through . Jesus can and will lead you through it . Posted by In honor of Halloween I decided to share with you a few movies that I will not be watching this year due to the creep factor . This movie scared me so much as a child , and honestly I don 't like it much now . I was creeped out just looking up the picture . I had nightmares about this one . My friends and I even did Candy Man in the mirror . Not a good idea for a bunch of 12 year olds . I think it may have been the friend that crept up behind me in the theater and scared me that makes this movie so creepy . After The Ring my sister and I checked the back seats of our car every time we got in for a week . I don 't know why , but this movie totally creeps me out . And yes I do realize it is not a scary movie . What can I say ? I am a wimp . So what movies creep you out the most ? Posted by Over the past few weeks I have been dealing with some things . I have cried tears , been sad , and even wanted to give up . I knew that I had to deal with these particular issues or I would never be able to move on . I kept going trusting that God would bring me through . Things have been better this week , maybe because my focus has been else where , but I digress . A friend called me a few minutes ago in tears and going through something very similar to what I was a few weeks ago . She is broken . So am I . She feels hopeless . So did I . She is in pain . So am I . The thing that may be different is that I prayed for God to bring the healing . She didn 't ask for the pain . But God can and will heal us both - - in His time . It is amazing how much perspective can change when you are praying with a friend over their pain . This very moment ( as I type ) she sent me a message that said she opened her bible and read this : John 14 : 1 " Do not let your hearts be troubled . Trust in God ; trust also in me . " Those are beautiful words Jesus spoke to his disciples , and he spoke them to my beautiful friend tonight . I am so thankful that I was his vessel to help someone in need . Posted by Probably not the picture you expected to see . Right ? Have you ever scene The Dick Van Dyke Show ? I LOVE it . It was filmed in the 60 's and stared 2 of my all time favorite actors : Mary Tyler Moore and of course Dick Van Dyke . I have scene all of the episodes of this show when I was younger on Nick at Nite , but all of the seasons are on Netflix to watch instantly . I watch it ALOT ! ! ! ! Well last night I had a silly dream that caused me to wake up with a smile on my face . I dreamed that Rob ( Dick Van Dyke ) was single because Laura ( Mary Tyler Moore - his on screen wife ) had died . He of course was the same age that he was in the 60 's still looking very much like he does in the pictures above . I was so happy in my dream , and he treated me like a real lady . The funny thing was that he was in black and white and the rest of the dream was in color . This is what he looks like today . I know it is just a silly dream , but it made me smile so I wanted to share . Have a great day ladies . Single ladies do you ever wonder about your future husband ? Married ladies do you remember the time before you met your husband ? Did you fantasize about him ? I am a single lady that hasn 't been on a date for almost 3 years . I often wonder about my future husband . I wonder what he is like . In the past I was drawn to men that tended to have the same qualities , and these qualities were not often the best qualities for me . Now that I am waiting on God to bring me my knight I get excited about the possibilities . I wonder what personality traits he will have . What will we have in common ? What will be different ? I think it will be interesting to see what God thinks is important and what He knows I need . See I don 't believe that opposites attract is the way to go or that we need our male equivalent in a mate . I think it is a combination of both . I see it like pieces of a puzzle . It is what you have in common that holds you together , but it is the things that are different that help you fit into the bigger picture . What do you think ? Married ladies tell me the reality behind the connection with your husband . * Picture found on Google Images Have you ever played bejeweled ? It is my latest craze . I like to play while laying around watching tv . I was playing the other day for a long time , and I got to a point where I couldn 't see any more moves . I was laying on the couch , I switched my position , and boom I saw a whole new set of moves to make . That really reminded me of life . There are many times when I think I am all out of moves , I change my perspective , and there are tons more new moves to make . I think I may be in the perspective changing stages of my life . I am just waiting on my vision to clear so that I can see the new moves that are waiting on me to make . Posted by 99 % of the time I find myself thinking about the future - - - what it will look like , what I will be doing , who will still be around , and when will certain things happen . I worry today about tomorrow . I spend this week planning for next week . I spend this month wondering what will be different next month . I spend this year dreaming about next year . But there is 1 % of the time . The small precent that I send reflecting on the past and wishing I could have the good old days back . Today for instant I am thinking back to the first days that I moved in here and all I had was a air mattress . It was simple , and I was great full . All the time I spend thinking about the past and the future I am missing out on the gift that I am given - - - the present . I spend no time thinking about the here and now . My priorities are all out of whack . I should spend 1 % of the time thinking about the future and reflecting on the past . The other 99 % of the time I should be focusing on what is going on right in front of my eyes . I just got finished reading this book . AMAZING ! ! ! ! If ever there were such thing as an author soulmate Beth Pattillo is mine . She writes like I think . I can 't wait to read more of her books . This book was full of love , heart ache , history , England , Jane Austen , and self discovery . The ending was a really good message . And amazingly enough it was exactly what I needed . I cried tears of joy . I recommend it . 2 Cary thumbs way way up ! ! ! ! I was sitting in my back yard yesterday , leaves of different colors where falling as the wind was blowing , the weather felt awesome , and it dawned on me that fall is here . I love this time of year . I love the colors of fall . I love the weather and being outside . Fall is the time of year that nature prunes itself in preparation for winter . I am in a time of life of pruning . I am in the season of fall in my life . God is getting rid of all of the dead and unnecessary parts of my life . In John 15 Jesus talks about the vines and branches . ( Love this passage ! ! ! ) Verse 1 says , " I ( Jesus ) am the true vine , and my Father is the gardener . " I love this illustration . He goes on to say in verse 2 , " He ( God ) cuts off every branch that doesn 't produce fruit , and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more . " That is where I am . In the process of having things cut out and shaped up . The word cut alone implies that this is going to be a painful time . If you read my post a couple of days ago you know I am there . I am in pain , but I know it is necessary . Jesus promises that if we remain in Him he will remain in us ( vrs 5 ) . He will never leave us . He also promises that will produce much fruit and God will be delighted in this ( vrs 8 ) . I am so glad that my hope lies in Him ! ! ! 2 Corinthians 12 : 1 - 4 ( New International Version ) I must go on boasting . Although there is nothing to be gained , I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord . I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven . Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know - God knows . 3And I know that this man - whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know , but God knows - 4was caught up to paradise . He heard inexpressible things , things that man is not permitted to tell I love this passage when Paul talks about being in Paradise aka Heaven . He says that he heard and saw things that he could not tell about . I have a pretty active imagination . Knowing that on my best day I could not even begin to imagine what Heaven is like excites me so much . I have heard that Paul couldn 't tell what Paradise was like because if we knew how great it was we would loose focus of why we are left on the earth . I have also heard it preached that even if Paul wanted to tell what it was like he couldn 't because in our human form we could not comprehend it . That is AMAZING to me . On Sunday , during the middle school service I volunteer at , the youth pastor talked about Heaven and how it is nothing like what we expect . It really got me thinking about it . When I picture heaven I picture our world that we live in and the people that I interact with on a daily basis . Sometimes I think about my grandparents that died so long ago or my grandmother that I never met . But stretching back to the 1960 's ( when my grandmother died ) is not even close to encompassing all that we will meet . We will meet Jesus ! ! ! ! ! And Paul , Peter , John , Abraham , Ruth , Ester , David , oh this list could go on and on . There will also be people from all periods of history . I know that when we get to Heaven we probably will not want to ask questions because we will be too busy worshiping , but it is cool to think of the possibilities . I am glad God gives us purpose on Earth , because without it I would be focused on getting to Heaven . Posted by Dear brothers and sisters , when troubles come your way , consider it an opportunity for great joy . For you know that when your faith is tested , your endurance has a chance to grow . So let it grow , for when your endurance is fully developed , you will be perfect and complete , needing nothing . James 1 : 2 - 4 As a counselor , I know that to heal from something you must face it head on . I know to grow and be free from pains of the past you must deal with them . I know that to learn from the past you must process the pain . As a Christian , I know that to grow in Christ and live the fullest life He promised in John 10 : 10 I must let Him reveal to me what hurts I am holding on to . I know that to be truly healed I must be completely broken . I am at the place of brokenness now . I have known it was coming for a while , but I don 't think that I expected it to be so intense here . Mainly because I thought that I had healed from so much . What I have learned is that I have been aware of my brokenness for so long , but have dealt with nothing . I prayed for God to show me where I need healing , and He did . I am very good a bottling things up so when it came out it was an explosion of emotions . I cried ( a lot ) , got angry , scared , felt alone , shame , guilt , and hopelessness . Then God stepped in and I felt His love , presence , and peace . But this is only the beginning . Last night I sat at dinner with one of my very best friends , but felt scared . See when the brokenness came it felt like a scab had been picked . As I sat there with her I felt like my wound was exposed and that she could see right down to my soul . I felt vulnerable . I wanted to run to my car crying , drive home , and hide under the covers . I hated that feeling . I used to hid feelings like that with drugs . But there in front of someone that I have shared my deepest desires and hang ups with I felt uncovered . And I realized that in 2 1 / 2 years of being sober I haven 't grieved the life I lived . And I have not processed the pain that I went through . I have been aware of it all along , but only on the surface . These wounds run deep , but I know that this is where the healing begins . I know that I can do this with God . He will not leave me exposed for long , but the scab had to be picked for the wound to truly heal . I know that the scab will turn into a scar that I carrie forever . I will reThis time will be hard , but I know that release waits on the other side of the pain . Are you covering a wound ? Do you have a scab that needs to be picked ? I would love to pray for you if you are going through something painful . Last night was our churches baptism and worship night . We all got together at an out door pavilion , had the Lord 's supper , some great worship music , and around 40 baptisms . It was amazing . I love worship music . It is so uplifting to the soul to cry out praise to Jesus ; especially with your church family . I also love our baptism . There is cheering and clapping and rejoicing with each person being raised up from the water . As I sat there last night I thought of what Jesus says about what happens in Heaven when someone accepts Jesus as their savior . " I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety - nine righteous persons who do not need to repent . " Luke 15 : 7 When this verse came to mind I pictured Heaven ( as best as my imagination can ) and all the rejoicing that was going on . Tears of joy streamed down my face . To know how happy God was yesterday to welcome His children into the family . I am so glad that He is opening my eyes to things that make Him joyful . Posted by I have sat down at my new MacBook 100 times over the past week trying to write a blog post , and nothing seems good enough . I type a paragraph and delete it . It is like I have nothing to say , but I want to say something so bad . That is kind of like my life right now . I know God has brought me to a point to deal with things , but I am blocked . I pray for tears , but I have none . I pray for Him to bring on the pain , but I there is none . ( Don 't get me wrong - - there is discomfort - - just no pain ) I think I am trying to force it instead of letting it come naturally . I know I need to deal with these certain issues . I also know that God will bring me two it in His time . I read a verse that I have never read in this way before . When I 've read this verse before I wanted guidance or help making a decision . This time as I read I understand that I should wait on God to show me the path to healing . I should do it in His way and time . I see that through the process of walking through the pain I will learn His truth . I should not fear the process of healing . Yes it is hard and painful , but God will protect me . With my hope in Him I have nothing to hear . I miss the feel of the keys on the keyboard . I miss sitting down and just letting the thoughts flow . I miss typing with all my fingers and not just my thumbs . I 'm ready for a new computer . Xoxo , Cary - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone I 'm really frustrated about my computer being broken . I feel like I have so much to talk about , but too much for my thumbs to type . May have to look into video blogging because iPhone 4 does allow me to do that . Hope you all had a happy Tuesday My computer crashed . : ( I am so bummed . It is hard to do a real post from my phone . I don 't know what I 'm going to do yet . So for now I guess I 'll work with what I 've got . Hope you all have a great week . Xoxo , Cary - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone A piece of artI do not pretend to have any talent as an artist but I was in gifted and talented art from 2nd - 12th grade so I do enjoy art . Here are some things I played around with . It is not much but it 's fun and I like them . That 's what matters to me . : ) I love all kinds of art . What kind of art do you like ? Xoxo , Cary - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone A song that makes me cryWell I actually cry at songs pretty easy but the latest is Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood . Temporary Home LyricsLittle boy , 6 years old A little too used to bein ' alone . Another new mom and dad , another school , Another house that 'll never be home . When people ask him how he likes this place . . . He looks up and says , with a smile upon his face , " This is my temporary home It 's not where I belong . Windows and rooms that I 'm passin ' through . This is just a stop , on the way to where I 'm going . I 'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary Home . " Young mom on her own . She needs a little help , got nowhere to go . She 's lookin ' for a job , lookin ' for a way out , Because a half - way house will never be a home . At night she whispers to her baby girl , " Someday we 'll find our place here in this world . " " This is our temporary home . It 's not where we belong . Windows and rooms that we 're passin ' through . This is just a stop , on the way to where we 're going . I 'm not afraid because I know this is our Temporary Home . " Old man , hospital bed , The room is filled with people he loves . And he whispers don 't cry for me , I 'll see you all someday . He looks up and says , " I can see God 's face . " " This is my temporary Home It 's not where I belong . Windows and rooms that I 'm passin ' through . This was just a stop , on the way to where I 'm going . I 'm not afraid because I know . . . this was My temporary home . " This is our temporary home . ( I would have shared the video but can 't figure it out on my phone ) Xoxo , Cary - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone I know I 'm late , but it is still on my mind . Labor day weekend while on a scavenger hunt / site seeing tour with the youth from church we visited our cities 9 / 11 memorial . It was very nice and peaceful . I wanted to share a picture with y ' all . Xoxo , Cary - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone So I know I 'm behind . I have had some computer problems . Then I got a new phone so that has taken some adjustment . And labor day weekend was so fun but very busy that I didn 't have any extra time . I did do 14 days in a row . That is impressive for me . I 'll try to get back on top of day 15 today . . . . Or tomorrow . Hope you are all having a great week . Xoxo , Cary - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone A Non Fiction BookI love Choosing God 's Best . It is about courtship . It is amazing . The dating world can be so discouraging and this book offers another option . Xoxo , Cary - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone A fiction bookI love reading so much . About a month ago I had someone ask me what my favorite book was and I couldn 't pick . Well I can pick now because I have read an amazing book . Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers . It is an awesome book . I recommend it to everyone . Xoxo , Cary - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone 4 or 5 years ago I could have gone on about this question for hours . I was OCD about everything . It was a little much . Now I 'm not OCD about much at all . I 'm kind of go with the flow . I do have a routine that I do just about every morning . After my alarm goes off ( 2 or 3 times ) I lay in bed and check facebook , twitter , and play words with friends . This is me and Brooke in 2001 . Shortly after she died in a car wreck . She was drinking and driving . She was my best friend . I had to write and read her eulogy . One of the hardest things I have EVER done . I still miss her - - 8 years later . Posted by My little sister got married in June . She was so beautiful . My brother in law is such an awesome man . I am so happy for both of them . I couldn 't be happier for my little sister . ( Well maybe I 'll be happier when she starts having babies . ) These pictures are 2 of my favorite of her bridals . Isn 't she beautiful ? My mom has always told me " Everything happens for a reason " The older I get the more I understand what she means by that . My favorite bible verse is Philipians 4 : 13 " I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength . " I have been through some hard things in life , and I made it . Everything else that I will go through I 'll make it because He is with me . If He brings you to it He 'll bring you through it . ( That is another quote I like ) A couple of weeks ago I would have told you that it was too hard to pick . Then I read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers . It is AMAZING ! ! ! ! ! It is a true portrayal of a scared woman . It is a great definition of what I am looking for in a man . I highly recommend it ! ! ! !

as a single gal , i delve back into the world of cooking for one ! very much afraid of using the bbq but not scared of much else ! i fully believe that there is a reason for everything and whatever is meant to be will be . I am truly the eternal optimist and looking at bright skies ahead ! In the meantime , I am busy baking , cycling , practicing hot yoga , learning ballet and of course adapting recipes and cooking for those I love ! the art of racing in the rain Last night I went to celebrate the birthday of the first boy that stole my heart . As we begin this year of 40 , it is just the beginning of numerous parties and celebrations . It was nice though , to see him and his family and friends from that part of my life . Amazing how quickly 25 years can pass . I do feel very grateful that , ( spare 1 very abusive relationship , ) I have stayed pretty great friends with every boy that I have dated . Our loves are perhaps just moments in time , stops along a great path to get us to our ultimate love . I just think that once you share something so intimate as your heart with someone , there will always be a piece of you attached to each other . My gift to Rich was a copy of my favourite book , The Art of Racing in The Rain by Garth Stein . This book is written from the perspective of Enzo the dog , whose " human " was a race car driver and many of the lessons taught in the subtext of the book were given in the context of racing . One of my favourites was " In the end , the love you take is equal to the love you make . " What we put out is what we receive back . And there is no dishonour in losing , it is only in never trying . Which is equatable to love - we cannot be afraid to love because we have a fear of it not working out . If we never try , we will certainly never succeed or receive love . " That which you manifest , is before you . " We are the creators of our own destiny . Life , like race car driving , isn 't only about going fast or winning . The importance of living well is staying present and enjoying each moment . Racing in the rain is about balance , anticipation and perspective . Rain is an obstacle , and we will always have obstacles in our lives but it doesn 't mean that we have to stop racing , living , or loving . My birthday wish to him was love and peace and the ability to stay present and enjoy every moment that life has to offer . I am thankful that he loved me so much all those years ago . I have to say it was a lovely experience to get to hug my first love . I don 't thiLulu , Ruby & Paco too ! the luckiest . . . . Last night before bed I wrote two slips for the gratitude jar , one of which said that I was thankful for my dining room table . It is 6 feet of solid wood , flanked by two long benches on either side . As opposed to chairs , when you sit with others it actually causes you to be in closer proximity to them ; to feel their energy , their vibrations . I recently thought of exchanging this table for something newer , fancier with pretty little chairs around it but I am so happy that I stuck with my gut on this one . This table has water stains , scratches and a giant chunk out of one of the benches . So needless to say it 's perfect . I 've been so home focused the past few months - cleaning , purging and reorganizing . I 've been making my space more mine and it feels wonderful . It 's really just like me - cozy , comfortable , a little messy , eclectic and welcoming . So many times in the past year I 've contemplated moving to a smaller space since it is just me in there but I am so happy that I 've chosen to stay . But back to my table . . . . Last night was " Craft Night " so the ladies were over and in typical fashion we brought out the food & wine and took our places in the dining room . I glued a few things back together as we sat and caught up but no one else even reached for their supplies . Everyone was content to sit around the table , sip Cab Sauv and eat wayyyyy too much cheese . I can 't even begin to recant all of the conversation but there were moments where we were laughing so hard that my head was actually resting on the table trying to catch breath . I believe it could have been when we were trying to help Sandra figure out how to stand her ground in the boys - club of the banking world and Sarah 's best advice when a client hit on her was to pretend that she had diarrhea . Admittedly probably not the best advice in the world but certainly more effective than mine of standing in Superwoman stance before a meeting . These girls have only come into my life over the past few years , since returning to Canada but my gosh have thLulu , Ruby & Paco too ! spring Well here we are . . . Officially the Spring Equinox and the International Day of Happiness ! That would seem to be a pretty good mix ! I just completed 108 sun salutations with my Moksha sangha and I am still feeling the love and energy of that crew . My life has been about making space since the start of this year . Space in my home , in my mind , in my body and most of all in my heart . It 's a time to open up and let things go and welcome new blossoms . I 've been feeling a mixture of hurt and anger for the past week because of one word in a sentence that I 'm sure probably hasn 't been given much of a second thought . That said , today being a day of beginning , my intention is to release these thoughts and try my best to leave it behind me . How lucky are we to have Spring and this beautiful reminder of all the possibility that lies ahead ? Admittedly I am a pretty easy going gal - even faced with things of great pain or adversity , I usually find a way to come through with acceptance and optimism . It take a lot for me to be upset or offended , but that said , when others take my simplicity & lightness as a pass to condescend it hurts my heart . I am a smart , well - educated woman and I refuse to ever accept being spoken down to . People have differing ways of thinking but that does not make one more important than the other . There is no way that I have weathered all of these storms , picked myself up from darkness and carried through , without having the strength and self - knowledge to decide what is , in fact , best for me . I appreciate when someone is looking out for me , however I think it is the assumption behind these words which has hurt me . I primarily do think with my heart first but my head is not far behind . I 've taken a lot of flack for loving people long after they have turned their back to me but that 's ok . Not a lot of people love the way that I do . Once you are in my heart , you are there forever . I will hold your hand when you falter and I will hold you in my arms when you fall . Words are important to me and so when Lulu , Ruby & Paco too ! spread love . . . In looking at my life , this quote pretty much sums it up . I was asked why I write this blog when secretly I hope that no one I know is reading it . The answer is simply to hope that if some stranger out there in wherever , stumbles up on this and finds words that they connect to - either those that are uplifting or even reading through the moments that are challenging . I hope that as I sometimes share what seems to be a struggle , that if someone can read it and know that they aren 't alone perhaps in what they feel then it may serve as a bit of a lift . My goal is to put happiness , gratitude and positivity out into the universe because i do believe that we get back what we give out . But ( as much as I live in a world of rainbows & unicorns ) I also know that there are going to be moments of struggle and change because that is how we grow . Sometimes when we feel most alone is when we just need that simple connection to know that someone understands us , and that tomorrow is always another day . For me , when I 'm thinking through something I feel weighted down and as soon as I can put them into words it 's as though that has been lifted . Today begins the 40 days of Lent - a time of sacrifice and reflection as we prepare for the one of the most important times in Catholicism , Easter . I do tend to give up items that are a challenge as a way to cleanse my body however over the past few years I chose to not only focus on what was going into my mouth , but coming out of it as well . So over the next few weeks , I will also send out 40 pieces of " happy " mail to friends and family thanking them for being a part of my life . I 've cut zillions of little hearts to go in each envelope so that literally I 'll be spreading love all over the gosh darn place ! So here we are with an opportunity to reflect over these last few weeks of winter and begin to prepare to come out of hibernation as spring unfolds . It 's a time of rebirth and a time of extended light - all of which make me excited to see what lies ahead . Over the past few dPosted by Many a teacher has said that our yoga practice is a reflection of our life - that our mat is a mirror inwards . This week , that has become even more apparent . I realize that my own insecurity in my practice and in my heart are what holds me back . After extended reflection , I can see more clearly that my ego often makes me afraid to try and from that , stems regret . Sometimes I have to sit with something a while until it makes sense to me - which has been the case with even this post , taking me close to a week to organize my thoughts . At the studio , I often shy away from classes that I think are beyond me . However , this past week I took a Flow Fly class for the first time in an attempt to push myself out of my comfort zone . My therapist has asked me to make good on the " do something that makes me uncomfortable " intention on that darned " 40 before 40 " list . Sarah 's intention in class was for us not to tell ourselves that we are " weak " in moments where we struggle with something , but rather to take that as an opportunity to find strength . There were a lot of poses that I couldn 't get and I heard the familiar voice inside me say " you can 't do this - you 're not strong enough , you 're not good enough . " But with each breath , I could also hear Sarah say " this is where you grow , " and I was determined to keep trying . This is where yoga makes me stronger - it makes me recognize my insecurities and accept them rather than hide from them . I do realize that yes I could continue my regular practice but how amazing could it be if I could , in fact , learn to fly ? Thinking back to NYE I was not expecting the kind of revelation that I received . From it , a lot of things became clearer and I recognized that I 've hidden from some things long enough . Maybe it 's because this is the first time I 've loved again post - divorce , but this heartbreak is long to heal and I think this week I 've finally realized why . First I just don 't want to give up on it yet and maybe it is because I am full of regret and I don 't know how to resolve that . Yet . I feel like I didn 't give it a real chance because I held back . Because of my own insecurities , words I wrote were taken incorrectly and have hurt someone I love . I don 't know if I can ever clear that up and that , more than anything , hurts my heart knowing that I hurt his . Ego & regret play such a role in many areas of our life and sometimes , without reflection , we are blind to it . Our egos get in the way of us pushing past our limits . They often hold us back from doing what scares us because we are so darn afraid of failure . In life . ORegret is not a feeling I enjoy living with . I realize that I 've been quick to assign the " disconnect " in our relationship to him , yet through reflection ( and a bit of external professional guidance ) I realize and accept that I am equally a part of that blame . As much as he may have kept his heart guarded , I am just as guilty of holding back . My ego kept me from fully allowing him to see me and though I was sharing parts of myself , I was guarded . My battered ego brought out the feeling of judgement - self - judgement - on not being " enough " . Not at all because he made me feel this way , but because I was in such a place that I didn 't feel as though I deserved someone like him . I remember writing in my journal sometime mid - summer that I wished I could just talk with him all day and all night . I wished that I could tell him everything and I wished I could listen to all of his stories , his thoughts , his memories . Thinking that we had forever , I felt no need to rush - I assumed that I had so much time to tell him . I regret taking that time for granted . I find strength in written words , however I often hid behind them . I am sometimes hesitant to verbalize what I feel or what I am thinking because I know that I can 't do so without breaking down or remaining stoic . I 'm learning more of why that is , of why I have this constant need to be perceived as strong and that is a story for another day . If I had the chance to say them , my apology would be something like this . . . I don 't know how to put into words the feeling of absolute shame and foolishness that one feels when they have been cheated on , over and over again , seeing the signs and being naive to the excuses . It 's like you never want to look someone in the eye again because you wonder if they are judging you . Obviously I was not a good enough wife or a good enough girlfriend because I was cheated on . How did someone I love , someone I pledged my life to , play me for a fool ? A decade of lies with one man . Then the few others post divorce treated me just as badly . However , there truly was not ever a moment where I doubted JC - never . For the absolute first time in my adult life I completely trusted someone again . And that was something I never thought I would feel . Before him , I resigned myself to never wanting to ever marry someone again because I was sure that I never feel that trust again but there he was . . . And for the first time in a very long time I believed . But in the moments where I felt insecure , I held back rather than just sharing that with him . My insecurity was my demon . I don 't know if it would have changed anything but I would have asked more questions which I think would have put myself at ease . I tried to keep the serious conversations to a minimum out of respect of his request to go slow . When things ended , it came completely out of the blue to me and I wondered how I could be feeling like everything was happy and then bam it 's just done . Was I completely off base ? Was I a total fool for thinking that he was falling in love with me ? The first question out of everyone 's mouth was " what happened ? i4 . People can leave our lives but their lessons stay . All of a sudden it seems as though there is a wall - it certainly didn 't exist for the months post breakup when we still talked almost daily and stayed connected . But now there is a definite boundary and as much as I would like to continue a friendship , I don 't know if that is the case for him and I suppose I just need to accept that . If I don 't get to have him in my life going forward , all the wonderful things he taught me in this past year will still remain with me . I am forever thankful for this heart experience . 5 . Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves too . For too long , I blamed myself for things way beyond me . My dad 's father left our family = I wasn 't enough . Tim was unfaithful to me = I let it happen . I . Was . A . Fool . One man I dated insisted no one could know we were together & cheated constantly = I allowed this treatment . These are not my indiscretions , I cannot accept the blame . Forgiveness of self , it 's time . 6 . Look forward . As someone once said , there is a reason why the rear - view mirror is small and the windshield is large , it is proportionate to the importance of future vs . past . Stay present every day and look forward at all the wonderful possibility of life ahead of us . 7 . Do things that make us uncomfortable - it 's how we grow into better people . Challenge ourselves , face fears and accept that we may fail . It is in the attempt - in the moment of uncomfort where we question our strength - that truly , we find the opportunity to grow . 8 . Don 't hold back . I feel like I need this tattooed somewhere ugh because I seem to keep forgetting . Be the amazing , wonderful human that you are - with every imperfection and with every scar . No one can choose you if you don 't allow them to see you . Just be . 9 . When in doubt , get on your mat . Take a moment of stillness and allow the truth to reveal itself to you . 10 . Don 't be afraid to make a mistake . I was so afraid after Tim to choose " wrong " again that I just never chose anyone at all . I dated men that werePosted by Six years and 34 steps ago . I stood at the bottom of the staircase unable to really breathe , as I was holding back both tears and vomit . I stood there scared out of my fucking mind that I was making the biggest mistake of my life . I was so unsure of myself . I questioned if I was actually brave enough to do this . I was unsure that I had enough strength to climb each of those stairs to the security check - point in International Departures . I had just checked all my treasured possessions packed in three luggage and a pet carrier ( Ruby ) . I was about to say good - bye to a life , knowing I 'd likely never return . I took a taxi to the airport all on my own , determined to fly by my own wings . I 'd like to say that it was the day I confidently chose to love myself first . That it was some empowering day of spreading my wings and saying goodbye . In reality when I got to the top of those stairs I had a panic attack and I frantically called Tim to see if I should really walk through those doors of security or if he changed his mind and wanted to plead with me to stay . Obviously we know there was no such gesture of love and devotion and onward I went . It was the worst flight of my entire life - with so much turbulence and nose - diving that I actually held the stranger 's hand sitting next to me . Looking back it 's oddly telling of how I was feeling that day . I 've struggled with feeling like it wasn 't really my choice but the choice that I did make was to leave with grace and dignity . ( Minus of course the 5 minutes I melted down before security . ) Through it all I never yelled , I never fought . I calmed asked if this was it or if there was any way to work through it , though deep down I knew that I would never be able to trust him again after knowing all the deceit . I could have fought but it would have been for money or possessions and I valued my peace more . Six years ago , being in the air , away from all things lovey - dovey and Valentines seemed like the best day to leave my husband . In hindsight I recognize that it really just adds to the amount that I dislike this holiday . It 's a giant red and pink , glittery , flashing reminder of that day and the end to that chapter in my life . Truth be told I 've never been much of a Valentines Day fan . . . I just believe that really every day should be when we do nice things for the people that we love . But this year , which I believe is a year of beginnings , I take this day as a reminder of being able to find within me , some sort of invincible summer . That after every heartbreak , there is an invincible love . And that even with moments where I have questioned my bravery , I know that through it all there is a better , stronger me that has resulted . This year I celebrate me and a milLulu , Ruby & Paco too ! On my way home from work I stopped at the graveyard to talk to my dad - his official name plate finally was installed which was nice but it was weird to see both my parents name there . It 's still hard for me to believe sometimes that he is really gone . I still expect him to come lumbering up the stairs when I get to their house . I still hear his voice say " Yeah Linds " or " Hey kid " when I 'm there in that space . Sometimes like tonight when I just want to talk to him and it hits that he 's really gone . Not that it stopped me because I just sat there on the ground in front of him and hoped that some how he could hear me . But what I wouldn 't give to be able to wrap my arms around him and lean in for one of those giant bear hugs . We spent the night at the funeral home tonight - paying our respects to Alissia 's Nonna who passed last week . Sometimes like tonight it hits me just how lucky I am to have such wonderful family and friends . All of our parents are able to visit with each other and watch all of us and how we carry each other through times like this . From Mary 's dad teasing me and reminding me of how I 'll always be the bad influence to his girl , to my mom sitting with Christie and chatting away . The fact that we can all so easily get along with and care for our families and the families of those who are a part of our lives reminds me that this isn 't a blessing that everyone gets to experience . To know that our lives have intersected so closely warms my heart so much and I realize that even in the moments where I may feel lonely I am surrounded by love and for that I am more than grateful . They love the real me . The broken me , the confused me , the one that loves a little too much and laughs a little too loudly . We love each other without judgement and with a fierceness that is second to none . These are the people who make my life so much brighter and even in the darkest moments like losing a loved one , we come together and stand side - by - side in support . It goes without question that we will all just show up and be Lulu , Ruby & Paco too ! I 'm a writer , a runner , and an entrepreneur . I have a new found passion for cycling and hot yoga both of which keep me somewhat sane . I don 't win races but I always cross the finish line . I 'm an wanna - be chef , eclectic interior designer , and an aspiring carpenter ! I love to travel and explore new places and foods . Ruby is my trusty sidekick kitten who sometimes thinks she is a puppy . She likes to play with qtips , hide in paper bags and cuddle . Paco is our newest addition who hogs the bed and has stolen my heart . View my complete profile

Many of you know that I have a background in the financial services industry . When I was a banker , one of the things I handled was loans . Primarily , it was auto loans and home refinances . We were always required to offer " Credit Life " Insurance to each and every customer . I say required because if you offer it to some and not all , that can be seen as discrimination , so it was important to remember to offer it to everyone . While we were paid incentives for selling it , and had goals to meet , in the beginning I felt " pushy " offering it to people and wondered why they would need it when they probably already had life insurance , if something happened to them . One day , I had a wife come in crying . Her husband died , which was traumatic enough , but OUR bank had her in foreclosure because his life insurance wasn 't enough to payoff the mortgage , and her income was barely enough to pay utilities and buy food . I felt horrible for her . When I pulled the loan documents out , they had declined the Credit Life , which was her last lifeline , so she had to move her children out of the only home they had ever known . From that point on , I never once felt bad about offering that insurance , and while as a banker you never know what someone 's insurance portfolio contains , at least you are hopefully making them go over it before they reject that additional insurance . For my family personally , we take out the maximum amount of life insurance on both of us through Nick 's company so that we are covered in case anything happens to either one of us . It is especially important that stay at home moms ( particularly those with small children ) have life insurance on themselves because your spouse would need to pay for daycare , and other needs if something happened to you . Many people think because they don 't have an " income " they don 't need life insurance , and frankly that just isn 't true . We also have a private policy , which with many companies runs as low as $ 20 per month , and we put a portion of each paycheck into a savings account for liquidity purposes . Sometimes people hesitate to think seriously about life insurance because they don 't want to really think about their own mortality . However , if you are a parent or spouse , you have an obligation to make sure that those who would be left behind in the event of your demise are taken care of and provided for . It won 't just be your annual salary that is permanently gone , but the remaining spouse will then be responsible for any auto and home loans if they want to keep those things . Death is stressful enough to deal with for survivors without the added burden of the financial despair they could be facing . Take a moment soon to evaluate your own situation and make sure it is sufficient . DISCLOSURE : " I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Allstate blogging program , for a gift card worth $ 50 . For more information on how you can participate , click here . " The Allstate Corporation is the nation 's largest publicly held personal lines insurer . Allstate is reinventing protection and retirement to help more than 17 million households insure what they have today and better prepare for tomorrow . Consumers access Allstate insurance products ( auto , home , life and retirement ) and services through Allstate agencies , independent agencies and Allstate Personal Financial Representatives in the U . S . and Canada , as well as via www . allstate . com and 1 - 800 Allstate ® . This is a tried and true success . If I need to send a casserole somewhere , or attending a potluck , there is ALWAYS a request for this recipe . I like making it because it 's fast and easy to put together , and then just pop it in the oven . People LOVE it fresh , but on the rare occasion when there are leftovers , it 's been said that it tastes even better reheated , which you don 't hear often . Personally , I don 't eat it , because you know , I have the whole aversion to onions thing . . . . : ) but everyone else seems to love it ! If you are looking for me tonight , I 'll be hanging withe kids on " Time Island " . . . well , our version in the backyard anyway ! My boys LOVE a good adventure , and I can 't wait to get started on this one . We 'll have a few friends over to play as we explore the lush jungle ( uncut grass ! ) and pretend we have beaches and caves out there as well . Mom Select and Time Island generously sent us a Time Island In Home Party Kit tucked neatly into a very cook Survival Backpack , so we will be playing themed games , I 've got some " adventure " recipes baking ( hopefully I can get a photo before they eat them up ! ) , and giving away Raffle Prizes . The boys were excited about the temporary tattoos ( because those are cool ! ) , stickers , and band bracelets that they can wear and share with their friends . Fortunately for us , the temperature has cooled off to a mere 95 degrees ( it was 106 ! ) so we won 't be melting during our adventure . I 've got some themed cookies and cupcakes that I made and decorated , some candy ( not chocolate in this heat ) that I put in some decorations and hid in the yard while they were at school , and maps I drew for them to use when exploring to find the treasure . I also hid the extra bracelets , stickers , and tattoos in little box containers . They have instructions to go 10 paces N turn R then go 5 paces W turn L go 7 paces and X marks the spot ! I hope it 'll be more fun for them to find the rewards than to just put them in goody bags . At this age ( 6 - 9 ) they all are working on team work and how working together as a team is more beneficial than working on your own , so I 've tried to incorporate that by blindfolding the search person and having their navigator call out instructions to them from across the yard ; ) Can they listen to their friend and hear over the other teams ? Can they remain patient and follow directions ? Only time will tell on Time Island ! * * * Disclosure : I received the free In Home Party Kit as part of a promotional program between Mom Select and Time Island . No positive review was required nor requested . All opinions expressed are 100 % mine and have not been influenced in any way . * * * I want to say that this book is aimed at ages 8 - 12 ( grades 3 - 7 ) and that is right on target . This book is written from the perspective of the dog , Hooper , and while it is fictional , it is based on facts . It starts out detailing Hooper 's trials as he fights for his survival during Hurricane Katrina , and for that reason I don 't think it would be appropriate for children any younger than 8 . My soon to be 8 year old wouldn 't be too upset by the struggles , but my 9 year old with Asperger 's would be traumatized by these events . He gets scared enough during normal thunderstorms as it is . I found that Hooper was very easy to relate to , and the emotions he exhibits are probably pretty accurate . While I am sure that the family that lost Hooper was very sad that they never found him , I just adored the portion of the story about Hooper with his new family . When Hooper gets matched with his new family in New York , they have just lost their longtime dog companion , and the father especially , struggles to accept a new dog into their lives . But once he does , it is so touching ! * * * Some of the proceeds from the book will go to Labs4rescue , which matches stray labs with new families and the organization that matched Hooper with Paley . Disclosure : I was given a complimentary copy of Hooper Finds a Family to facilitate my review . No positive opinion was required , no compensation was exchanged , and all opinions expressed are 100 % mine and were not influenced in any manner . * * * While I may live in Oklahoma , the landlocked center of the US , I am fascinated with all things weather related , and have been watching non - stop coverage of Hurricane Irene on the weather channel . I can 't help it , I love to see the power of nature , even though it often wreaks havoc when it rages . Not that we don 't get our fair share of nature 's fury here in OK either . While we are in an extreme drought now , and we did have some horrific tornadoes this year , it wasn 't as many as normal . We also tend to have blizzards throughout the winter that often cause loss of power for an extended period of time . Because we face the fury of nature on a regular basis , I find that it helps calm my nerves to know that I have prepared for them in advance . I keep a supply of bottled water , canned goods , a can opener , batteries , and other necessities on hand and in our " safe place " in our home , and I replenish the supplies on a regular basis to make sure everything is fresh . One thing that I had not thought of until this storm though , was considering a portable solar battery charger . I think it makes sense to have these , especially because smart phones don 't run off of easily replaceable batteries , and in the event of an extended power outage , you might need to have the ability to communicate with others via phone , text , or internet , and if you battery dies , you could be out of luck . If you are like me , and addicted to the internet , you might feel the constant need to check your email , facebook , twitter , weather , news sites , play games , and text with your friends and family . While that 's great for a while , it will drive you batty if the battery dies and you can 't recharge it ! I already have to charge mine twice a day because I run the battery down , and that 's when we have power available ! I think one of these will be on my list of items to check into , because while I do enjoy the fun things I can do on the internet , I have also seen firsthand the seriousness of what nature can do , and I would feel much better knowing I had a portable solar battery charger on hand to charge the batteries on our phones in the event of an extended power outage ! Many of my friends have purchased cell phones for their children about the age of 10 . My oldest son is 9 , and I have NO intention of him or his brothers having their own cell phones anytime in the near future . With that said , they are also at an age where they are playing sports and wanting to go play at friend 's houses , and I want to make sure they are safe . Obviously I 'd never let them go anywhere with someone I didn 't know and feel comfortable with , but I have known people in my life who have had issues even with trusted adults . One solution that we are looking into for these situations is a TracFone . With a TracFone , there are so many features that make this appealing for our situation . They are very inexpensive , have no activation or cancellation fees , and no contracts . Some phones come with a FREE option to double any purchased minutes , others require a $ 19 . 99 fee if you choose to upgrade to this feature . They offer brand name phones that you are familiar with , they have reliable service , coverage , and reception . Be sure to find a real estate agent that you are comfortable working with . You want someone who listens to you and your needs . Our first agent did none of those things and it was very frustrating . Once we found another realtor to work with , it was SO much better . If anyone is in the OKC area , I highly recommend ours . Just feel free to leave your email in the comments or contact me for the info ! Find a reputable loan company you can trust ! We used a broker that came recommended from a friend , and it didn 't work out well . We had to move the day after closing to avoid extending our lease for 3 - 6 months , and the DAY OF CLOSING this guy says our loan was no longer being offered by the bank even though we had been pre - approved . It was a special program with great terms that expired the week before closing and he failed to realize that or we could have closed earlier . Instead he had to rush to get us a new loan and get ALL the paperwork completed that day . It was not terms we were happy with , so we re - financed at the 2 year mark with another company we trusted and got a record low interest rate . Get a thorough inspection and make sure you ask questions . We had an inspection , but there were a few things we didn 't know to ask about or take into consideration . Like where is the faucet at the front of the house ? It was 2 years before we found it hidden behind some bushes . Luckily it hadn 't frozen and burst during any blizzards when it wasn 't covered . Other little things the previous owner had covered up and hidden that didn 't come to light until after closing . Such as the cute towel and candles on the toilet tank were covering the fact that it had been SHATTERED and poorly glued together , or that he tiled over linoleum in the kitchen , or that the door that had boxes stacked in front of it for their movers was ROTTED OUT and we couldn 't see that because we didn 't know to insist that the boxes were moved . Ask for a list of utility and service companies from the seller . The town we moved from had one company for electric , gas , and water . Here they are all separate companies , and our service was almost disconnected right after we moved in because I had only set up an account with one company . I didn 't know there were 2 other companies I needed to call and set up accounts with . Get a home warranty contract included in your purchase . This saved us thousands the first year ! Our seller had done very poor home maintenance and many things were broken and needed to be repaired , including the AC unit . This is just a short list of lessons we learned that I hope can help others during their first time buying process , or just serve as reminders for people buying after living in their home for many years . Always be sure to thoroughly check every nook and cranny and make sure any problems you uncover are things you can fix or live with . We love our house , but wish we had known some of these things before we moved in to save us some stress ! * * * ( note : my kids LOVE these , so I double the recipe , and we rarely have leftovers . You will have to experiment to see if you want the extra gravy . Too much makes them mushy , but the family loves it , so sometimes I bake each batch in a separate pan . Everyone gets enough and has all the gravy they want , without any mush . I have also used the garlic flavored crescent rolls , and my husband prefers those ) * * * Preheat oven to 375 degress . Spray 9x13 pan with Pam . Lay out crescent rolls in 4 sections on waxed paper . ( Keep the triangles together to form a rectangle ) . Put shredded chicken and cheese on rolls and roll them up ( like a short burrito ) . Mix cream of chicken soup and milk and heat on stovetop in a small pan until fairly smooth . ( add any leftover chicken or cheese to this ) . Pour between crescent rolls in pan . ( Be careful to pour around , not on top or they will be mushy ! ) . Bake in oven for 15 - 20 minutes or until crescent rolls are cooked through and brown on top . Fotobounce is software that allows you to set up private networks to share photos . You can set them up for groups of friends , family members , etc . and people can ONLY see the photos you have given them access to . This is great for me because I have several different friends , and many of them don 't know the others outside the particular group . For example , my high school and college friends don 't know each other , so they don 't care to see photos of people they don 't know . The private peer to peer network is local to your computer , and has facial recognition software technology which makes tagging people very quick and efficient . I post photos on Facebook only on my personal page , and haven 't done that very often because I am not a technical genius , and it takes me forever to get them uploaded , put in the correct album , and tagged . I also have a Flickr that I use for sharing photos with friends who don 't use Facebook , but again , it takes me a while to get them uploaded . However , this software was pretty easy , even for me . I clicked the button to download , opened it up and it was super easy to install , then it took just a couple of minutes for all of my photos to be pulled and organized . With the face recognition it tagged people quickly and now they are all nice , neat , and organized into my groups . This is a screenshot the company sent me to show you what it looks like . I am trying to get one of my personal pictures to add , but I can 't figure out how to edit the screenshot to get it small enough to upload , haha . I need software to do that for me ; ) This year though , it will be a tad bit easier for me . Lovable Labels contacted me last month and asked if I would consider doing a review and giveaway ( The Giveaway is posted HERE ) of their products . I asked Joshua and Logan to look them over , and they choose the Back to School - Sporty pack for the items to review . The items arrived very quickly and are just adorable . Joshua will be starting soccer next week , so he just adores the soccer backpack tags that were included . These worked out very well for me with the clothing dots and shoe labels because my kids are all so close in size and have many identical items , yet it is such a battle to keep them separate . They don 't want " their " item mixed up with their siblings item . We also won 't have to worry about items getting sent to lost and found at school because the teacher will know who to return forgotten items to , if they are ours . * * * Disclosure : I received one complimentary Back to School Pack to facilitate my review . No other monetary compensation was exchanged . A positive review was not requested nor required . All opinions expressed are 100 % mine and were not influenced in any way . * * * Today is my grocery shopping day , and I am printing out my coupons to take with me . Several of the sites have newly released coupons available , so don 't forget to check my Coupons and Money Saving Sites Tab to print the coupons you might need for your weekend shopping trips . I am including links here for coupons that I printed to use , or thought some of you might find especially useful , though others are available from many of the sites . $ 1 . 50 off ON ONE ( 1 ) BOTTLE OF EMETROL FOR NAUSEA * * * For my Pregnant Friend , Lucy . This is the stuff I was telling you about that I used with all three of my pregnancies . It was the ONLY thing that helped ! * * * We live in Oklahoma where it is DRY and we get the most extreme temperatures . We are breaking a record this summer with more than 50 days of 100 + temps , and in the winter , Blizzards are not unusual . Not to mention the wind . . . . . . . . . . . . oh how it does come " Sweeping Down the Plains " . What that means for me is that my lips , and more specifically Aaron 's lips get very dry and cracked . That poor child has to use Carmex 4 or more times per day to keep his little lips from cracking open ! Now normally we use regular old original Carmex because Aaron doesn 't like flavors . But I DO : ) So , when Carmex recently contacted me and offered to send me some new Vanilla and Lime Twist flavors ( With the most adorable picnic blanket EVER , which I happen to be giving away as part of the Spa For Ma event with tubes of the Vanilla and Lime Twist flavors as well , so click over and enter ! ) I was ecstatic ! These new flavors are YUMMY , and make me oh so happy . These fantastic new tubes are tucked safely away in my purse , out of the reach of my adorable little children . These are all for mommy ! If you don 't want to wait to see if you win the Spa for Ma Giveaway , you can purchase these at CVS , Walgreens , or Walmart . * * * Disclosure : I was sent 2 complimentary tubes of Carmex and a picnic blanket to facilitate my review , no other compensation was exchanged . A postitive review was not required , though it is deserved . All opinions expressed are 100 % mine and were not influenced in any way . * * * This is my youngest son Logan , being the funny little boy that he is . He is such a sweet and helpful boy , but when it comes to school work , it is VERY hard for him to pay attention . He gets distracted easily , and finds certain subjects difficult to retain . My youngest two go to public school , which starts next week in our area . Over the summer , we have continued to do learning activities , and I require them to all read at least one hour per day . When the Rock N Learn DVD arrived a couple of weeks ago , they were thrilled to put it in and test it out . I am ecstatic at the excitement all three of them have about math now ! Aaron , going into 3rd grade homeschool , has some learning disabilities and we have been struggling with math , but making progress . While had the foundation of addition and subtraction down , these songs reinforce the facts I have taught him . He has struggled in the past with drills , but when set to the music , he excels . Please feel free to visit the Rock N Learn website to view additional products , and they have generously offered a coupon code ( JQ7711 ) to receive 25 % off of any product on their site . They also offer 3 FREE websites where you can downloaded helpful worksheets to work with your kids . They are www . free - phonics - worksheets . com , www . worksheets - for - math . com , and www . markothepencil . com . * * * Disclosure : I did receive one free DVD to facilitate my review . No positive review was required , it was earned by it 's own merit . All opinions expressed are 100 % mine and were not influenced in any way . * * * Totsy offers moms on - the - go and moms - to - be access to brand - specific sales , up to 80 % off retail , just for them and the kids , ages 0 - 7 . Top brands for mom , baby , and child . Prenatal care products , baby gear , travel accessories , bedding and bath , children 's clothing , toys , DVDs , and educational materials are just a sampling of a selection that promises only the best in quality and designer brands . 100 % eco - friendly : Totsy is the first company in private sales to take on sustainable and socially responsible initiatives in all areas of business . One baby , one tree : With every purchase you make through Totsy , we will plant one tree in the name of your child to help reduce the effects of deforestation . Who says shopping can 't save the world ? I saw that Valued Opinions is accepting new participants , and I have worked with them in the past ( when I had more time ! ) , and they did offer completable surveys . Y ' all know what I mean . Some sites offer a ton of surveys which you never seem to qualify for , but with this one , I did qualify for several and receive a payout . If only I had about 4 more hours in the day , I could make some extra income off all of these survey sites again ! Most of these don 't take that long to complete , and once school starts again I hope to be able to do more . Right now , I am just really behind , so no time for surveys : ( I have heard people raving about Cafe Mom all week , so I popped over to check it out this morning . It is a FREE site with a forum and community of other moms to share ideas and help one another . As we enter the tween years I hope to be able to utilize this as a helpful resource ! Place chicken in slow cooker , mix all other ingredients together and pour over chicken . Cook on low for 4 - 6 hours . ( If chicken is frozen cook for 6 - 7 hours , and if you use chicken with the bone in adjust accordingly ! ) I am thrilled to be taking part in this book tour , and the author , B . K . Bostick has generously offered to sponsor a fantastic giveaway as well ! The giveaway is posted IN THIS EVENT ; ) This book is aimed at ages 9 - 12 , and is an ideal fit for both Aaron and Joshua . Since I require them to read an hour each day , especially during summer vacation , Joshua has been reading books aloud to his two brothers . This is another one that they truly enjoyed . The book description is : " When his grandfather dies , Huber Hill is devastated - - - until he opens Grandpa Nick 's mysterious box . An old gold coin and directions to a hidden Spanish treasure send him and his friends off on an mind - blowing adventure , but he 's not the only one on the hunt . Filled with dangerous animals and cryptic puzzles , this book will have you on the edge of your seat until the last page . " Those of you who know my boys , are aware of how much they LOVE a good mystery and puzzles . Combine that with some gold coins and treasure , and it sets the stage for excitement . They really enjoyed going on this journey , and since their dad 's name is Nick , they got a kick out of talking about Grandpa Nick 's mysterious box . Aaron draws illustrations daily , it is his creative outlet . Since he was very little , he has adored making Treasure Maps . They love to make them , take turns " hiding " treasure in the backyard , and then having their brothers go and find it . They are forevermore yelling " X MARKS THE SPOT " . I think that this is the first book published by B . K . Bostick , so my only complaint is that there aren 't other stories of his for my boys to read . They immediately wanted to go to the library , just to make sure there weren 't any other books of his there . We did find some other fun reads though , but with school starting next week , their adventure time is getting cut drastically very soon ! I want to give fair warning to anyone reading this book : It will capture you from the beginning , and you will NOT want to put it down . Make sure you have plenty of time to read this before you start , so you can read it in its entirety at once . It is a very emotional book , but you will be glad you selected it . I have had close family members with heart and other medical problems , and the nature of this book reminded me of their situations . Denial is never a good option when it comes to healthcare . You should always listen to your body and continue seeking medical attention until someone listens to you . My favorite thing about this book , is that it highlights the success post - recovery , and demonstrates HOPE is not futile . On a personal level , I think hope is an important factor in one 's fight against illness , and if someone believes and is willing to give it their all , they are more likely to be successful . I realize that isn 't always the case , depending on the situation , but often , people DO beat their illnesses and recover . Product DescriptionA young man escaped a twisted life in Upstate New York and fled to Manhattan to start over . We meet him later in the prime of his life building the American dream ; only to find out that his world is about to be turned upside down . Suddenly he is faced with his own mortality , and the possibilty that he may be saying goodbye forever to his pregnant wife , young children , and the big white house he has built in a quaint Long Island suburb . " Barefoot in November " is about dying and living , not living and dying . It 's a wrestling match between Man , God , and Destiny , and the stories that interconnect them . A story and characters so real ; as if you are living it yourself . Times are definitely tough in this economy , and I have several close friends who have been forced to consult with bankruptcy attorneys to get relief and a fresh start on things . There is such a stigma associated with this , that I think really needs to be evaluated . Filing for bankruptcy does not make someone a bad person , nor does it necessarily indicate they are irresponsible . Sometimes things just happen . I am going to give you a couple of examples of stories I have heard , some recent , some from my past as a bank loan officer , that I hope give you pause to rethink your personal feelings on the matter . I have seen this issue from all sides , so I think I have a good perspective on shedding some light . ( * Note : Names and identifying details changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved ) . Story 1 : This couple was very financially stable and strong . Combined , their salaries were well into the six figures . They owned a nice home , 2 average cars , and had a handful of credit cards that they paid off every month . They were responsible at saving , and had 4 months of income in liquid savings . Then , one of them lost their job . Immediately they went to " bare bones " spending while the spouse looked for a job . Then a child got very sick and had an extended hospital stay . They had a 20 % copay bill for all expenses . The one spouse was getting interviews , and being told they were overqualified , and they were not hired . The housing market started falling , and several homes in the neighborhood went into foreclosure . After 8 months , this couple decided to sell the home because the savings had been stretched and was almost gone , and they knew they were in serious trouble . The appraiser came , and they found out the were now $ 60 , 000 upside down on the home due to the turn in market . Finally , with all other avenues exhausted , they turned to a bankruptcy attorney . They were able to file Chapter 7 and turn over the house , close and have all credit card balances forgiven , and the medical debt forgiven . They then moved into an apartment for 2 years , and were able to manage just fine on one income . After those 2 years , the unemployed spouse found a job , and then a month later the other spouse lost their job , and was out of work for 2 months . They made a smart decision at that point to begin budgeting long term on one income , and to save the second income . They have done very well since that point , and were able to purchase a new home at the 3 year post bankruptcy mark , and continue to live on the budgeted one income salary , and the entire second salary is in a savings account . If it weren 't for bankruptcy and a fresh start , they would be burdened by a foreclosure and judgments from the medical and credit card bills they had been unable to pay when they were just trying to survive . Story 2 is of an elderly lady . She was taken by some shady loan officers at several different companies . She was convinced that she needed a line of credit on her paid for home , to have available for emergencies , and the terms weren 't completely explained as well as they should have been . When she became ill and was hospitalized for a month , she accrued sizable medical bills , even with medicare . When she got home , her bank loan officer convinced her to payoff her medical bills with the line of credit , to " help on her taxes " . She didn 't realize that the minimum payment wasn 't in her meager social security budget , and that she 'd then be convinced to get credit cards and personal loans to cover her expenses . She found herself going hungry and without medication to try and pay these bills , until a family member realized what was going on , and stepped in . At that point they realized she wasn 't of sound mind to make these types of decisions on her own anymore , but they still had quite a mess to clean up , and foreclosure proceedings were in process on her home because she hadn 't been able to pay the line of credit bill , and didn 't realize it put her home at risk . They took her to a bankruptcy attorney who got everything paused while they figured things out . Ultimately they decided to have her file , and then moved to a Senior Care facility . Fortunately they got this done and all the debts forgiven so they weren 't forced to deal with it all after her passing and while they were grieving , and she was able to live out the remainder of her days without the burden of all that debt hanging over her head . Now I know some people will disagree with my perspective on things , and that 's ok , everyone is entitled to their opinion . I also know that there are irresponsible people out there . I just want to remind everyone that you don 't know all the details of others financial situations , and should they need to seek the help of a professional , such as Nevada Bankruptcy Attorneys , for advice , then don 't judge them . It 's a very hard , personal decision , and a last resort for most people . Sometimes people have issues that aren 't other peoples business , and they need to do what they need to do to get them resolved , without the judgment of others in their families , circle of friends , church families , etc . This is a sponsored post , courtesy of Las Vegas Bankruptcy Attorneys , but is an issue I feel strongly about , and that is why I signed up to participate . As a loan officer , I saw many times the irresponsible angle , and I know it 's there . As a consumer , and a friend , I have also seen responsible people fall on hard times , and suffer from problems not of their own making . Most people have good intentions and do the best they can , but it is great to know that their are solutions , occasionally bankruptcy , that are available when people absolutely need that relief . " Jesse is looking for the " right guy . " When she bumps into Ethan , a despairing writer who she inspires , she thinks she 's found him . But only moments later she meets Troy , a successful advertising executive who makes almost every moment romantic . Both seem perfect , but things are not always what they seem . My Girlfriend 's Boyfriend is a fun romance that blends warm sincerity with fresh storytelling . " I have to say that I wasn 't aware that this was a movie also until I began preparing for this review . THEN I found out that it was a movie first , then the book was written . That isn 't always a successful flow , but it definitely worked in this situation . This book was clean , fresh , and made me laugh . I definitely felt the characters were easy to relate to and enjoyed the story . This would make a great quick read if you are needing a book to pick you up and leave you with a positive feeling . If you are the parent of a preschooler , I hope you can relate to my pain of plumbing problems that they cause . Whether they are flushing non - flushable wipes , rolls of unwrapped toilet paper , mom 's " special " items they found under the counter , hot wheels , or any other toy ; they ALL tend to get stuck in the pipes and back them up . Oh yes , the lovely sewer water that backs up into the shower and bath tubs . If you are " lucky " you aren 't IN the shower when this happens . Because while it is gross anytime , it IS worse if you happen to find yourself STANDING in it . The week we moved into our house in 2007 , ours backed up . As first time homeowners , it was our first experience dealing with this issue , and we knew no one in the area to ask for a reference , so we called Roto Rooter ; mainly because we were familiar with their commercials on TV . They were fast , efficient , and found tons of feminine products in the line , courtesy of the former home owners . The second time we had a plumbing issue , was shortly thereafter , when Logan decided he was ready to potty train at 2 , and he used , then flushed baby wipes . While we were thrilled that he got the procedure correct all on his own , we weren 't so happy that we had to call Roto Rooter back out . Not that they aren 't great , because they are , but no one WANTS to call a plumber and explain that yet again , your pipes are clogged . The third time we had a problem , Logan flushed hot wheels down the toilet , just to see what would happen . . . . is anyone seeing a theme here ? LOL . We did have the child proof toilet locks on the toilets , but he had those figured out . He even knew how to unlock it for Aaron , who due to his OT issues couldn 't work the locks , at 36 months older than Logan . The fourth time we had a problem , it wasn 't a child related issue * YAY * but this time it was worse . As some of my long time readers know , our pipes from the city line to our home froze in January , and it backed up through our dishwasher and was flooding the house . I had wisely left the washing machine AND the dishwasher running when we went to bed during a blizzard . ( Note to self : DON ' T DO THAT AGAIN ) . Roto Rooter again came to the rescue , in the middle of a blizzard to fix the plumbing issue . I only wish that the companies hired by our insurance afterwards for repairs were as professional , prompt , and courteous as our friendly familiar Roto Rooter plumbers . Yes , I have the number programmed into the phone at this point , and yes they know my name when I call , LOL ! So , even though this IS a sponsored post , these sadly , are true stories . All opinions expressed are true and 100 % mine . If you have a child like mine , who likes to , or accidentally tends to frequently flush inappropriate things , then you probably have a similar relationship with your plumber as well . When I see campaigns such as this one , with services from a company I have used and had a positive experience with , I always sign up to participate so I can let them know just how much I appreciate the help they have given us over the years . Today is Logan 's birthday ! When he was younger , and I changed his diapers on changing tables , he was THE squirmiest baby I had ever been around ! This child has squirmed since the day he was born , and still hasn 't stopped . From the time he started walking , he has loved to climb things , and he doesn 't stop moving , even in his sleep ! We have to keep a mat on the floor next to his toddler bed , because he squirms and falls over the rails ! It 's only 12 inches high , so he isn 't going to get hurt , but he can 't be still ! Even from the time he was just months old , and not yet rolling over , I was terrified to change him in public restrooms on the changing tables , because the straps aren 't the most secure things in the world , and I was terrified he 'd roll off . With the only alternative the nasty floor , I knew I had to get creative . I mastered a plan of packing all the items I needed in an easily accessible pouch in the diaper bag , so I could hold him with one hand , and swiftly prepare the changing area with the other hand . By his 1st birthday , I could change even his messiest diaper in 2 minutes flat with ONE HAND . I felt like supermom , and nicknamed him my Lovebug , LOL : ) My suggestions to those of you who have squirmy babies as well , is to create your own " Super Speed Diaper Changing Kit " . We are all different , and have different preferences , but what worked for me was to tuck a small refillable wipe kit that was easy open into my portable changing pad , tucked inside a diaper , with a plastic grocery bad tucked in as well . I could whip the pad open , put the clean diaper under the baby , open the dirty one , wipe the bottom , stuff the dirty diaper into the trash bag , close the new diaper , and toss the bag into the trash container and be on our way . Once the baby was back strapped into the stroller , I opened the diaper bag and created a new kit for the next change so I was ready to go ! New Moms today are in luck ! Huggies is introducing a new line of Little Movers Slip On Diapers that look so easy to pop on and off of even the squirmiest child . I love that companies such as Huggies take the time to listen to mom 's concerns about the issues they have , then take them back to their creative teams to find a solution . Back to School time is almost upon us here in Oklahoma . I know many other areas of the country started today , but we still have a couple of weeks of summer vacation left . It 's a good thing too . because the temperature got up to 110 again today ! I am not ready to be out in this afternoon heat on a daily basis for carpool just yet ! However , it 's time for us to start easing back into our school schedule , so here are 10 Healthy Tips to Help Get Your Kids Ready for Back to School : Make sure you have plenty of quick , easy to fix breakfast meals on hand . It 's important that they eat well before a full day of school ! I like to make homemade pancakes , waffles , and burritos now , and freeze them ! Stock up on nutritious after school snack items . Our school does lunch at 10 : 30 , then they get out at 3 . It 's too long for them to wait until 7 for dinner , so they need a filling healthy snack after school . I send my kids with sunglasses for recess as well . Not so much for the " cool " factor as for the " protect your eyes " factor . I don 't care WHY they choose to wear them , as long as they do ! Talk to your kids ! This is probably the MOST important one . If you talk to them frequently and regularly , they are comfortable engaging in conversation with you , and are more prone to bringing problems and concerns to you ! These are tips that work well for our family , and I hope there are some that you are able to take away and apply to your own family . If you have any tips for me , I 'd love to hear them , as we are always looking to improve our routine ! I am not afraid of changing what isn 't working well to find something that works better . You 'll also notice that many of mine revolve around staying healthy , and that 's partially because when Aaron gets sick , he gets REALLY sick , so I try to keep the other two boys from bringing home as many germs as possible ; ) Transitions Optical is a joint venture of PPG Industries , Inc . and Essilor International . The first to successfully commercialize a plastic photochromic lens in 1990 , today the company is a leading provider of photochromics to optical manufacturers worldwide . Transitions Optical offers the most advanced photochromic technology in the widest selection of lens designs , materials and brand names . Transitions ® lenses are the ideal everyday choice for healthy sight . They are clear indoors and at night . Outdoors , they automatically darken as light conditions change . Transitions lenses provide visual comfort , and enhance visual quality by reducing glare and enhancing contrast , helping you to see better today . Transitions lenses block 100 percent of harmful UVA and UVB rays - helping to protect the health and wellness of your eyes - so you can see better tomorrow as well . More info on Transitions Lenses : www . transitions . com Transitions Optical created the Eye Didn 't Know That ! program to help people of all ages learn more about healthy vision . The program was developed by a team that includes eyecare professionals , science and education experts , and Transitions Optical , Inc . The Eye Didn 't Know That ! website offers materials for children , parents , teachers and eyecare professionals to use to teach and learn more about eyecare basics and the importance of eye health and regular comprehensive eye exams . The information includes fact sheets , games , quizzes , lesson plans and free downloadable materials . To learn more and to find out what makes your friends and family say " Eye Didn 't Know That ! " visit www . eyedidntknowthat . com . Transitions Lenses on Facebook : http : / / www . facebook . com / transitionsslenses Going through my recipe cards planning for next week 's menu , I came across something I haven 't cooked in a while . I am not a fan of pork chops , dating back to my childhood , which my mother can attest to . Actually , I loathe them . But , Nick and the kids like them , and I have these other ingredients on hand , so I am adding it to the meal plan . Nutritionally it meets the special requirements Nick and Aaron both have , so it works out well for me too in that respect . Other than that , it 's fast , easy to prepare , and pretty diet - friendly . You could even try to make it easier on your waistline by checking out Sensa ; read these Sensa reviews to learn more ! Enjoy ! In a small saucepan , combine the spreadable fruit , lemon juice , soy sauce , and cinnamon . Cook and stir over low heat until spreadable fruit is melted . Remove from heat ; set aside . Sprinkle both sides of pork chops with steak seasoning . In a large non - stick skiilet coated with non - stick cooking spray , cook chops in oil over medium - high heat for 5 - 7 minutes on each side or until a meat thermometer reads 160 . Serve with sauce and blackberries . Thanks for stopping at my Tasty Treats giveaway ! This event is hosted by Savings in Seconds and runs through July 2 , 2017 . Please hop to all of the linked . . . I 'll be moving this site soon to PracticalFrugality . com . It 's live now , and you may see things disappear from this site as I move them over . If you are looking for the buttons to follow me , they are on the new blog ! I 'm not quite ready to export all the posts over yet , it 'll be a bit . I am going to try and start posting some things there in the meantime , so you may see some things here , some things there . This policy is valid from 01 September 2010 This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me . This blog accepts forms of cash advertising , sponsorship , paid insertions or other forms of compensation . However , any post where I have received an item to sample and offer my opinion on will be clearly labeled . If I have not noted it as such , then it is a product I have purchased of my own accord and chosen to write about . This blog abides by word of mouth marketing standards . We believe in honesty of relationship , opinion and identity . The compensation received may influence the advertising content , topics or posts made in this blog . That content , advertising space or post will be clearly identified as paid or sponsored content . The influence is only to write about an item . All opinions will be true and honest regardless of any compensation . The owner ( s ) of this blog is compensated to provide opinion on products , services , websites and various other topics . Even though the owner ( s ) of this blog receives compensation for our posts or advertisements , we always give our honest opinions , findings , beliefs , or experiences on those topics or products . The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the bloggers ' own . Any product claim , statistic , quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer , provider or party in question . This blog does not contain content which might present a conflict of interest . Any content in which I feel there could be any conflict will always be identified . To get your own policy , go to http : / / www . disclosurepolicy . org

Many of you know that I have a background in the financial services industry . When I was a banker , one of the things I handled was loans . Primarily , it was auto loans and home refinances . We were always required to offer " Credit Life " Insurance to each and every customer . I say required because if you offer it to some and not all , that can be seen as discrimination , so it was important to remember to offer it to everyone . While we were paid incentives for selling it , and had goals to meet , in the beginning I felt " pushy " offering it to people and wondered why they would need it when they probably already had life insurance , if something happened to them . One day , I had a wife come in crying . Her husband died , which was traumatic enough , but OUR bank had her in foreclosure because his life insurance wasn 't enough to payoff the mortgage , and her income was barely enough to pay utilities and buy food . I felt horrible for her . When I pulled the loan documents out , they had declined the Credit Life , which was her last lifeline , so she had to move her children out of the only home they had ever known . From that point on , I never once felt bad about offering that insurance , and while as a banker you never know what someone 's insurance portfolio contains , at least you are hopefully making them go over it before they reject that additional insurance . For my family personally , we take out the maximum amount of life insurance on both of us through Nick 's company so that we are covered in case anything happens to either one of us . It is especially important that stay at home moms ( particularly those with small children ) have life insurance on themselves because your spouse would need to pay for daycare , and other needs if something happened to you . Many people think because they don 't have an " income " they don 't need life insurance , and frankly that just isn 't true . We also have a private policy , which with many companies runs as low as $ 20 per month , and we put a portion of each paycheck into a savings account for liquidity purposes . Sometimes people hesitate to think seriously about life insurance because they don 't want to really think about their own mortality . However , if you are a parent or spouse , you have an obligation to make sure that those who would be left behind in the event of your demise are taken care of and provided for . It won 't just be your annual salary that is permanently gone , but the remaining spouse will then be responsible for any auto and home loans if they want to keep those things . Death is stressful enough to deal with for survivors without the added burden of the financial despair they could be facing . Take a moment soon to evaluate your own situation and make sure it is sufficient . DISCLOSURE : " I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Allstate blogging program , for a gift card worth $ 50 . For more information on how you can participate , click here . " The Allstate Corporation is the nation 's largest publicly held personal lines insurer . Allstate is reinventing protection and retirement to help more than 17 million households insure what they have today and better prepare for tomorrow . Consumers access Allstate insurance products ( auto , home , life and retirement ) and services through Allstate agencies , independent agencies and Allstate Personal Financial Representatives in the U . S . and Canada , as well as via www . allstate . com and 1 - 800 Allstate ® . This is a tried and true success . If I need to send a casserole somewhere , or attending a potluck , there is ALWAYS a request for this recipe . I like making it because it 's fast and easy to put together , and then just pop it in the oven . People LOVE it fresh , but on the rare occasion when there are leftovers , it 's been said that it tastes even better reheated , which you don 't hear often . Personally , I don 't eat it , because you know , I have the whole aversion to onions thing . . . . : ) but everyone else seems to love it ! If you are looking for me tonight , I 'll be hanging withe kids on " Time Island " . . . well , our version in the backyard anyway ! My boys LOVE a good adventure , and I can 't wait to get started on this one . We 'll have a few friends over to play as we explore the lush jungle ( uncut grass ! ) and pretend we have beaches and caves out there as well . Mom Select and Time Island generously sent us a Time Island In Home Party Kit tucked neatly into a very cook Survival Backpack , so we will be playing themed games , I 've got some " adventure " recipes baking ( hopefully I can get a photo before they eat them up ! ) , and giving away Raffle Prizes . The boys were excited about the temporary tattoos ( because those are cool ! ) , stickers , and band bracelets that they can wear and share with their friends . Fortunately for us , the temperature has cooled off to a mere 95 degrees ( it was 106 ! ) so we won 't be melting during our adventure . I 've got some themed cookies and cupcakes that I made and decorated , some candy ( not chocolate in this heat ) that I put in some decorations and hid in the yard while they were at school , and maps I drew for them to use when exploring to find the treasure . I also hid the extra bracelets , stickers , and tattoos in little box containers . They have instructions to go 10 paces N turn R then go 5 paces W turn L go 7 paces and X marks the spot ! I hope it 'll be more fun for them to find the rewards than to just put them in goody bags . At this age ( 6 - 9 ) they all are working on team work and how working together as a team is more beneficial than working on your own , so I 've tried to incorporate that by blindfolding the search person and having their navigator call out instructions to them from across the yard ; ) Can they listen to their friend and hear over the other teams ? Can they remain patient and follow directions ? Only time will tell on Time Island ! * * * Disclosure : I received the free In Home Party Kit as part of a promotional program between Mom Select and Time Island . No positive review was required nor requested . All opinions expressed are 100 % mine and have not been influenced in any way . * * * I want to say that this book is aimed at ages 8 - 12 ( grades 3 - 7 ) and that is right on target . This book is written from the perspective of the dog , Hooper , and while it is fictional , it is based on facts . It starts out detailing Hooper 's trials as he fights for his survival during Hurricane Katrina , and for that reason I don 't think it would be appropriate for children any younger than 8 . My soon to be 8 year old wouldn 't be too upset by the struggles , but my 9 year old with Asperger 's would be traumatized by these events . He gets scared enough during normal thunderstorms as it is . I found that Hooper was very easy to relate to , and the emotions he exhibits are probably pretty accurate . While I am sure that the family that lost Hooper was very sad that they never found him , I just adored the portion of the story about Hooper with his new family . When Hooper gets matched with his new family in New York , they have just lost their longtime dog companion , and the father especially , struggles to accept a new dog into their lives . But once he does , it is so touching ! * * * Some of the proceeds from the book will go to Labs4rescue , which matches stray labs with new families and the organization that matched Hooper with Paley . Disclosure : I was given a complimentary copy of Hooper Finds a Family to facilitate my review . No positive opinion was required , no compensation was exchanged , and all opinions expressed are 100 % mine and were not influenced in any manner . * * * While I may live in Oklahoma , the landlocked center of the US , I am fascinated with all things weather related , and have been watching non - stop coverage of Hurricane Irene on the weather channel . I can 't help it , I love to see the power of nature , even though it often wreaks havoc when it rages . Not that we don 't get our fair share of nature 's fury here in OK either . While we are in an extreme drought now , and we did have some horrific tornadoes this year , it wasn 't as many as normal . We also tend to have blizzards throughout the winter that often cause loss of power for an extended period of time . Because we face the fury of nature on a regular basis , I find that it helps calm my nerves to know that I have prepared for them in advance . I keep a supply of bottled water , canned goods , a can opener , batteries , and other necessities on hand and in our " safe place " in our home , and I replenish the supplies on a regular basis to make sure everything is fresh . One thing that I had not thought of until this storm though , was considering a portable solar battery charger . I think it makes sense to have these , especially because smart phones don 't run off of easily replaceable batteries , and in the event of an extended power outage , you might need to have the ability to communicate with others via phone , text , or internet , and if you battery dies , you could be out of luck . If you are like me , and addicted to the internet , you might feel the constant need to check your email , facebook , twitter , weather , news sites , play games , and text with your friends and family . While that 's great for a while , it will drive you batty if the battery dies and you can 't recharge it ! I already have to charge mine twice a day because I run the battery down , and that 's when we have power available ! I think one of these will be on my list of items to check into , because while I do enjoy the fun things I can do on the internet , I have also seen firsthand the seriousness of what nature can do , and I would feel much better knowing I had a portable solar battery charger on hand to charge the batteries on our phones in the event of an extended power outage ! Many of my friends have purchased cell phones for their children about the age of 10 . My oldest son is 9 , and I have NO intention of him or his brothers having their own cell phones anytime in the near future . With that said , they are also at an age where they are playing sports and wanting to go play at friend 's houses , and I want to make sure they are safe . Obviously I 'd never let them go anywhere with someone I didn 't know and feel comfortable with , but I have known people in my life who have had issues even with trusted adults . One solution that we are looking into for these situations is a TracFone . With a TracFone , there are so many features that make this appealing for our situation . They are very inexpensive , have no activation or cancellation fees , and no contracts . Some phones come with a FREE option to double any purchased minutes , others require a $ 19 . 99 fee if you choose to upgrade to this feature . They offer brand name phones that you are familiar with , they have reliable service , coverage , and reception . Be sure to find a real estate agent that you are comfortable working with . You want someone who listens to you and your needs . Our first agent did none of those things and it was very frustrating . Once we found another realtor to work with , it was SO much better . If anyone is in the OKC area , I highly recommend ours . Just feel free to leave your email in the comments or contact me for the info ! Find a reputable loan company you can trust ! We used a broker that came recommended from a friend , and it didn 't work out well . We had to move the day after closing to avoid extending our lease for 3 - 6 months , and the DAY OF CLOSING this guy says our loan was no longer being offered by the bank even though we had been pre - approved . It was a special program with great terms that expired the week before closing and he failed to realize that or we could have closed earlier . Instead he had to rush to get us a new loan and get ALL the paperwork completed that day . It was not terms we were happy with , so we re - financed at the 2 year mark with another company we trusted and got a record low interest rate . Get a thorough inspection and make sure you ask questions . We had an inspection , but there were a few things we didn 't know to ask about or take into consideration . Like where is the faucet at the front of the house ? It was 2 years before we found it hidden behind some bushes . Luckily it hadn 't frozen and burst during any blizzards when it wasn 't covered . Other little things the previous owner had covered up and hidden that didn 't come to light until after closing . Such as the cute towel and candles on the toilet tank were covering the fact that it had been SHATTERED and poorly glued together , or that he tiled over linoleum in the kitchen , or that the door that had boxes stacked in front of it for their movers was ROTTED OUT and we couldn 't see that because we didn 't know to insist that the boxes were moved . Ask for a list of utility and service companies from the seller . The town we moved from had one company for electric , gas , and water . Here they are all separate companies , and our service was almost disconnected right after we moved in because I had only set up an account with one company . I didn 't know there were 2 other companies I needed to call and set up accounts with . Get a home warranty contract included in your purchase . This saved us thousands the first year ! Our seller had done very poor home maintenance and many things were broken and needed to be repaired , including the AC unit . This is just a short list of lessons we learned that I hope can help others during their first time buying process , or just serve as reminders for people buying after living in their home for many years . Always be sure to thoroughly check every nook and cranny and make sure any problems you uncover are things you can fix or live with . We love our house , but wish we had known some of these things before we moved in to save us some stress ! * * * ( note : my kids LOVE these , so I double the recipe , and we rarely have leftovers . You will have to experiment to see if you want the extra gravy . Too much makes them mushy , but the family loves it , so sometimes I bake each batch in a separate pan . Everyone gets enough and has all the gravy they want , without any mush . I have also used the garlic flavored crescent rolls , and my husband prefers those ) * * * Preheat oven to 375 degress . Spray 9x13 pan with Pam . Lay out crescent rolls in 4 sections on waxed paper . ( Keep the triangles together to form a rectangle ) . Put shredded chicken and cheese on rolls and roll them up ( like a short burrito ) . Mix cream of chicken soup and milk and heat on stovetop in a small pan until fairly smooth . ( add any leftover chicken or cheese to this ) . Pour between crescent rolls in pan . ( Be careful to pour around , not on top or they will be mushy ! ) . Bake in oven for 15 - 20 minutes or until crescent rolls are cooked through and brown on top . Fotobounce is software that allows you to set up private networks to share photos . You can set them up for groups of friends , family members , etc . and people can ONLY see the photos you have given them access to . This is great for me because I have several different friends , and many of them don 't know the others outside the particular group . For example , my high school and college friends don 't know each other , so they don 't care to see photos of people they don 't know . The private peer to peer network is local to your computer , and has facial recognition software technology which makes tagging people very quick and efficient . I post photos on Facebook only on my personal page , and haven 't done that very often because I am not a technical genius , and it takes me forever to get them uploaded , put in the correct album , and tagged . I also have a Flickr that I use for sharing photos with friends who don 't use Facebook , but again , it takes me a while to get them uploaded . However , this software was pretty easy , even for me . I clicked the button to download , opened it up and it was super easy to install , then it took just a couple of minutes for all of my photos to be pulled and organized . With the face recognition it tagged people quickly and now they are all nice , neat , and organized into my groups . This is a screenshot the company sent me to show you what it looks like . I am trying to get one of my personal pictures to add , but I can 't figure out how to edit the screenshot to get it small enough to upload , haha . I need software to do that for me ; ) This year though , it will be a tad bit easier for me . Lovable Labels contacted me last month and asked if I would consider doing a review and giveaway ( The Giveaway is posted HERE ) of their products . I asked Joshua and Logan to look them over , and they choose the Back to School - Sporty pack for the items to review . The items arrived very quickly and are just adorable . Joshua will be starting soccer next week , so he just adores the soccer backpack tags that were included . These worked out very well for me with the clothing dots and shoe labels because my kids are all so close in size and have many identical items , yet it is such a battle to keep them separate . They don 't want " their " item mixed up with their siblings item . We also won 't have to worry about items getting sent to lost and found at school because the teacher will know who to return forgotten items to , if they are ours . * * * Disclosure : I received one complimentary Back to School Pack to facilitate my review . No other monetary compensation was exchanged . A positive review was not requested nor required . All opinions expressed are 100 % mine and were not influenced in any way . * * * Today is my grocery shopping day , and I am printing out my coupons to take with me . Several of the sites have newly released coupons available , so don 't forget to check my Coupons and Money Saving Sites Tab to print the coupons you might need for your weekend shopping trips . I am including links here for coupons that I printed to use , or thought some of you might find especially useful , though others are available from many of the sites . $ 1 . 50 off ON ONE ( 1 ) BOTTLE OF EMETROL FOR NAUSEA * * * For my Pregnant Friend , Lucy . This is the stuff I was telling you about that I used with all three of my pregnancies . It was the ONLY thing that helped ! * * * We live in Oklahoma where it is DRY and we get the most extreme temperatures . We are breaking a record this summer with more than 50 days of 100 + temps , and in the winter , Blizzards are not unusual . Not to mention the wind . . . . . . . . . . . . oh how it does come " Sweeping Down the Plains " . What that means for me is that my lips , and more specifically Aaron 's lips get very dry and cracked . That poor child has to use Carmex 4 or more times per day to keep his little lips from cracking open ! Now normally we use regular old original Carmex because Aaron doesn 't like flavors . But I DO : ) So , when Carmex recently contacted me and offered to send me some new Vanilla and Lime Twist flavors ( With the most adorable picnic blanket EVER , which I happen to be giving away as part of the Spa For Ma event with tubes of the Vanilla and Lime Twist flavors as well , so click over and enter ! ) I was ecstatic ! These new flavors are YUMMY , and make me oh so happy . These fantastic new tubes are tucked safely away in my purse , out of the reach of my adorable little children . These are all for mommy ! If you don 't want to wait to see if you win the Spa for Ma Giveaway , you can purchase these at CVS , Walgreens , or Walmart . * * * Disclosure : I was sent 2 complimentary tubes of Carmex and a picnic blanket to facilitate my review , no other compensation was exchanged . A postitive review was not required , though it is deserved . All opinions expressed are 100 % mine and were not influenced in any way . * * * This is my youngest son Logan , being the funny little boy that he is . He is such a sweet and helpful boy , but when it comes to school work , it is VERY hard for him to pay attention . He gets distracted easily , and finds certain subjects difficult to retain . My youngest two go to public school , which starts next week in our area . Over the summer , we have continued to do learning activities , and I require them to all read at least one hour per day . When the Rock N Learn DVD arrived a couple of weeks ago , they were thrilled to put it in and test it out . I am ecstatic at the excitement all three of them have about math now ! Aaron , going into 3rd grade homeschool , has some learning disabilities and we have been struggling with math , but making progress . While had the foundation of addition and subtraction down , these songs reinforce the facts I have taught him . He has struggled in the past with drills , but when set to the music , he excels . Please feel free to visit the Rock N Learn website to view additional products , and they have generously offered a coupon code ( JQ7711 ) to receive 25 % off of any product on their site . They also offer 3 FREE websites where you can downloaded helpful worksheets to work with your kids . They are www . free - phonics - worksheets . com , www . worksheets - for - math . com , and www . markothepencil . com . * * * Disclosure : I did receive one free DVD to facilitate my review . No positive review was required , it was earned by it 's own merit . All opinions expressed are 100 % mine and were not influenced in any way . * * * Totsy offers moms on - the - go and moms - to - be access to brand - specific sales , up to 80 % off retail , just for them and the kids , ages 0 - 7 . Top brands for mom , baby , and child . Prenatal care products , baby gear , travel accessories , bedding and bath , children 's clothing , toys , DVDs , and educational materials are just a sampling of a selection that promises only the best in quality and designer brands . 100 % eco - friendly : Totsy is the first company in private sales to take on sustainable and socially responsible initiatives in all areas of business . One baby , one tree : With every purchase you make through Totsy , we will plant one tree in the name of your child to help reduce the effects of deforestation . Who says shopping can 't save the world ? I saw that Valued Opinions is accepting new participants , and I have worked with them in the past ( when I had more time ! ) , and they did offer completable surveys . Y ' all know what I mean . Some sites offer a ton of surveys which you never seem to qualify for , but with this one , I did qualify for several and receive a payout . If only I had about 4 more hours in the day , I could make some extra income off all of these survey sites again ! Most of these don 't take that long to complete , and once school starts again I hope to be able to do more . Right now , I am just really behind , so no time for surveys : ( I have heard people raving about Cafe Mom all week , so I popped over to check it out this morning . It is a FREE site with a forum and community of other moms to share ideas and help one another . As we enter the tween years I hope to be able to utilize this as a helpful resource ! Place chicken in slow cooker , mix all other ingredients together and pour over chicken . Cook on low for 4 - 6 hours . ( If chicken is frozen cook for 6 - 7 hours , and if you use chicken with the bone in adjust accordingly ! ) I am thrilled to be taking part in this book tour , and the author , B . K . Bostick has generously offered to sponsor a fantastic giveaway as well ! The giveaway is posted IN THIS EVENT ; ) This book is aimed at ages 9 - 12 , and is an ideal fit for both Aaron and Joshua . Since I require them to read an hour each day , especially during summer vacation , Joshua has been reading books aloud to his two brothers . This is another one that they truly enjoyed . The book description is : " When his grandfather dies , Huber Hill is devastated - - - until he opens Grandpa Nick 's mysterious box . An old gold coin and directions to a hidden Spanish treasure send him and his friends off on an mind - blowing adventure , but he 's not the only one on the hunt . Filled with dangerous animals and cryptic puzzles , this book will have you on the edge of your seat until the last page . " Those of you who know my boys , are aware of how much they LOVE a good mystery and puzzles . Combine that with some gold coins and treasure , and it sets the stage for excitement . They really enjoyed going on this journey , and since their dad 's name is Nick , they got a kick out of talking about Grandpa Nick 's mysterious box . Aaron draws illustrations daily , it is his creative outlet . Since he was very little , he has adored making Treasure Maps . They love to make them , take turns " hiding " treasure in the backyard , and then having their brothers go and find it . They are forevermore yelling " X MARKS THE SPOT " . I think that this is the first book published by B . K . Bostick , so my only complaint is that there aren 't other stories of his for my boys to read . They immediately wanted to go to the library , just to make sure there weren 't any other books of his there . We did find some other fun reads though , but with school starting next week , their adventure time is getting cut drastically very soon ! I want to give fair warning to anyone reading this book : It will capture you from the beginning , and you will NOT want to put it down . Make sure you have plenty of time to read this before you start , so you can read it in its entirety at once . It is a very emotional book , but you will be glad you selected it . I have had close family members with heart and other medical problems , and the nature of this book reminded me of their situations . Denial is never a good option when it comes to healthcare . You should always listen to your body and continue seeking medical attention until someone listens to you . My favorite thing about this book , is that it highlights the success post - recovery , and demonstrates HOPE is not futile . On a personal level , I think hope is an important factor in one 's fight against illness , and if someone believes and is willing to give it their all , they are more likely to be successful . I realize that isn 't always the case , depending on the situation , but often , people DO beat their illnesses and recover . Product DescriptionA young man escaped a twisted life in Upstate New York and fled to Manhattan to start over . We meet him later in the prime of his life building the American dream ; only to find out that his world is about to be turned upside down . Suddenly he is faced with his own mortality , and the possibilty that he may be saying goodbye forever to his pregnant wife , young children , and the big white house he has built in a quaint Long Island suburb . " Barefoot in November " is about dying and living , not living and dying . It 's a wrestling match between Man , God , and Destiny , and the stories that interconnect them . A story and characters so real ; as if you are living it yourself . Times are definitely tough in this economy , and I have several close friends who have been forced to consult with bankruptcy attorneys to get relief and a fresh start on things . There is such a stigma associated with this , that I think really needs to be evaluated . Filing for bankruptcy does not make someone a bad person , nor does it necessarily indicate they are irresponsible . Sometimes things just happen . I am going to give you a couple of examples of stories I have heard , some recent , some from my past as a bank loan officer , that I hope give you pause to rethink your personal feelings on the matter . I have seen this issue from all sides , so I think I have a good perspective on shedding some light . ( * Note : Names and identifying details changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved ) . Story 1 : This couple was very financially stable and strong . Combined , their salaries were well into the six figures . They owned a nice home , 2 average cars , and had a handful of credit cards that they paid off every month . They were responsible at saving , and had 4 months of income in liquid savings . Then , one of them lost their job . Immediately they went to " bare bones " spending while the spouse looked for a job . Then a child got very sick and had an extended hospital stay . They had a 20 % copay bill for all expenses . The one spouse was getting interviews , and being told they were overqualified , and they were not hired . The housing market started falling , and several homes in the neighborhood went into foreclosure . After 8 months , this couple decided to sell the home because the savings had been stretched and was almost gone , and they knew they were in serious trouble . The appraiser came , and they found out the were now $ 60 , 000 upside down on the home due to the turn in market . Finally , with all other avenues exhausted , they turned to a bankruptcy attorney . They were able to file Chapter 7 and turn over the house , close and have all credit card balances forgiven , and the medical debt forgiven . They then moved into an apartment for 2 years , and were able to manage just fine on one income . After those 2 years , the unemployed spouse found a job , and then a month later the other spouse lost their job , and was out of work for 2 months . They made a smart decision at that point to begin budgeting long term on one income , and to save the second income . They have done very well since that point , and were able to purchase a new home at the 3 year post bankruptcy mark , and continue to live on the budgeted one income salary , and the entire second salary is in a savings account . If it weren 't for bankruptcy and a fresh start , they would be burdened by a foreclosure and judgments from the medical and credit card bills they had been unable to pay when they were just trying to survive . Story 2 is of an elderly lady . She was taken by some shady loan officers at several different companies . She was convinced that she needed a line of credit on her paid for home , to have available for emergencies , and the terms weren 't completely explained as well as they should have been . When she became ill and was hospitalized for a month , she accrued sizable medical bills , even with medicare . When she got home , her bank loan officer convinced her to payoff her medical bills with the line of credit , to " help on her taxes " . She didn 't realize that the minimum payment wasn 't in her meager social security budget , and that she 'd then be convinced to get credit cards and personal loans to cover her expenses . She found herself going hungry and without medication to try and pay these bills , until a family member realized what was going on , and stepped in . At that point they realized she wasn 't of sound mind to make these types of decisions on her own anymore , but they still had quite a mess to clean up , and foreclosure proceedings were in process on her home because she hadn 't been able to pay the line of credit bill , and didn 't realize it put her home at risk . They took her to a bankruptcy attorney who got everything paused while they figured things out . Ultimately they decided to have her file , and then moved to a Senior Care facility . Fortunately they got this done and all the debts forgiven so they weren 't forced to deal with it all after her passing and while they were grieving , and she was able to live out the remainder of her days without the burden of all that debt hanging over her head . Now I know some people will disagree with my perspective on things , and that 's ok , everyone is entitled to their opinion . I also know that there are irresponsible people out there . I just want to remind everyone that you don 't know all the details of others financial situations , and should they need to seek the help of a professional , such as Nevada Bankruptcy Attorneys , for advice , then don 't judge them . It 's a very hard , personal decision , and a last resort for most people . Sometimes people have issues that aren 't other peoples business , and they need to do what they need to do to get them resolved , without the judgment of others in their families , circle of friends , church families , etc . This is a sponsored post , courtesy of Las Vegas Bankruptcy Attorneys , but is an issue I feel strongly about , and that is why I signed up to participate . As a loan officer , I saw many times the irresponsible angle , and I know it 's there . As a consumer , and a friend , I have also seen responsible people fall on hard times , and suffer from problems not of their own making . Most people have good intentions and do the best they can , but it is great to know that their are solutions , occasionally bankruptcy , that are available when people absolutely need that relief . " Jesse is looking for the " right guy . " When she bumps into Ethan , a despairing writer who she inspires , she thinks she 's found him . But only moments later she meets Troy , a successful advertising executive who makes almost every moment romantic . Both seem perfect , but things are not always what they seem . My Girlfriend 's Boyfriend is a fun romance that blends warm sincerity with fresh storytelling . " I have to say that I wasn 't aware that this was a movie also until I began preparing for this review . THEN I found out that it was a movie first , then the book was written . That isn 't always a successful flow , but it definitely worked in this situation . This book was clean , fresh , and made me laugh . I definitely felt the characters were easy to relate to and enjoyed the story . This would make a great quick read if you are needing a book to pick you up and leave you with a positive feeling . If you are the parent of a preschooler , I hope you can relate to my pain of plumbing problems that they cause . Whether they are flushing non - flushable wipes , rolls of unwrapped toilet paper , mom 's " special " items they found under the counter , hot wheels , or any other toy ; they ALL tend to get stuck in the pipes and back them up . Oh yes , the lovely sewer water that backs up into the shower and bath tubs . If you are " lucky " you aren 't IN the shower when this happens . Because while it is gross anytime , it IS worse if you happen to find yourself STANDING in it . The week we moved into our house in 2007 , ours backed up . As first time homeowners , it was our first experience dealing with this issue , and we knew no one in the area to ask for a reference , so we called Roto Rooter ; mainly because we were familiar with their commercials on TV . They were fast , efficient , and found tons of feminine products in the line , courtesy of the former home owners . The second time we had a plumbing issue , was shortly thereafter , when Logan decided he was ready to potty train at 2 , and he used , then flushed baby wipes . While we were thrilled that he got the procedure correct all on his own , we weren 't so happy that we had to call Roto Rooter back out . Not that they aren 't great , because they are , but no one WANTS to call a plumber and explain that yet again , your pipes are clogged . The third time we had a problem , Logan flushed hot wheels down the toilet , just to see what would happen . . . . is anyone seeing a theme here ? LOL . We did have the child proof toilet locks on the toilets , but he had those figured out . He even knew how to unlock it for Aaron , who due to his OT issues couldn 't work the locks , at 36 months older than Logan . The fourth time we had a problem , it wasn 't a child related issue * YAY * but this time it was worse . As some of my long time readers know , our pipes from the city line to our home froze in January , and it backed up through our dishwasher and was flooding the house . I had wisely left the washing machine AND the dishwasher running when we went to bed during a blizzard . ( Note to self : DON ' T DO THAT AGAIN ) . Roto Rooter again came to the rescue , in the middle of a blizzard to fix the plumbing issue . I only wish that the companies hired by our insurance afterwards for repairs were as professional , prompt , and courteous as our friendly familiar Roto Rooter plumbers . Yes , I have the number programmed into the phone at this point , and yes they know my name when I call , LOL ! So , even though this IS a sponsored post , these sadly , are true stories . All opinions expressed are true and 100 % mine . If you have a child like mine , who likes to , or accidentally tends to frequently flush inappropriate things , then you probably have a similar relationship with your plumber as well . When I see campaigns such as this one , with services from a company I have used and had a positive experience with , I always sign up to participate so I can let them know just how much I appreciate the help they have given us over the years . Today is Logan 's birthday ! When he was younger , and I changed his diapers on changing tables , he was THE squirmiest baby I had ever been around ! This child has squirmed since the day he was born , and still hasn 't stopped . From the time he started walking , he has loved to climb things , and he doesn 't stop moving , even in his sleep ! We have to keep a mat on the floor next to his toddler bed , because he squirms and falls over the rails ! It 's only 12 inches high , so he isn 't going to get hurt , but he can 't be still ! Even from the time he was just months old , and not yet rolling over , I was terrified to change him in public restrooms on the changing tables , because the straps aren 't the most secure things in the world , and I was terrified he 'd roll off . With the only alternative the nasty floor , I knew I had to get creative . I mastered a plan of packing all the items I needed in an easily accessible pouch in the diaper bag , so I could hold him with one hand , and swiftly prepare the changing area with the other hand . By his 1st birthday , I could change even his messiest diaper in 2 minutes flat with ONE HAND . I felt like supermom , and nicknamed him my Lovebug , LOL : ) My suggestions to those of you who have squirmy babies as well , is to create your own " Super Speed Diaper Changing Kit " . We are all different , and have different preferences , but what worked for me was to tuck a small refillable wipe kit that was easy open into my portable changing pad , tucked inside a diaper , with a plastic grocery bad tucked in as well . I could whip the pad open , put the clean diaper under the baby , open the dirty one , wipe the bottom , stuff the dirty diaper into the trash bag , close the new diaper , and toss the bag into the trash container and be on our way . Once the baby was back strapped into the stroller , I opened the diaper bag and created a new kit for the next change so I was ready to go ! New Moms today are in luck ! Huggies is introducing a new line of Little Movers Slip On Diapers that look so easy to pop on and off of even the squirmiest child . I love that companies such as Huggies take the time to listen to mom 's concerns about the issues they have , then take them back to their creative teams to find a solution . Back to School time is almost upon us here in Oklahoma . I know many other areas of the country started today , but we still have a couple of weeks of summer vacation left . It 's a good thing too . because the temperature got up to 110 again today ! I am not ready to be out in this afternoon heat on a daily basis for carpool just yet ! However , it 's time for us to start easing back into our school schedule , so here are 10 Healthy Tips to Help Get Your Kids Ready for Back to School : Make sure you have plenty of quick , easy to fix breakfast meals on hand . It 's important that they eat well before a full day of school ! I like to make homemade pancakes , waffles , and burritos now , and freeze them ! Stock up on nutritious after school snack items . Our school does lunch at 10 : 30 , then they get out at 3 . It 's too long for them to wait until 7 for dinner , so they need a filling healthy snack after school . I send my kids with sunglasses for recess as well . Not so much for the " cool " factor as for the " protect your eyes " factor . I don 't care WHY they choose to wear them , as long as they do ! Talk to your kids ! This is probably the MOST important one . If you talk to them frequently and regularly , they are comfortable engaging in conversation with you , and are more prone to bringing problems and concerns to you ! These are tips that work well for our family , and I hope there are some that you are able to take away and apply to your own family . If you have any tips for me , I 'd love to hear them , as we are always looking to improve our routine ! I am not afraid of changing what isn 't working well to find something that works better . You 'll also notice that many of mine revolve around staying healthy , and that 's partially because when Aaron gets sick , he gets REALLY sick , so I try to keep the other two boys from bringing home as many germs as possible ; ) Transitions Optical is a joint venture of PPG Industries , Inc . and Essilor International . The first to successfully commercialize a plastic photochromic lens in 1990 , today the company is a leading provider of photochromics to optical manufacturers worldwide . Transitions Optical offers the most advanced photochromic technology in the widest selection of lens designs , materials and brand names . Transitions ® lenses are the ideal everyday choice for healthy sight . They are clear indoors and at night . Outdoors , they automatically darken as light conditions change . Transitions lenses provide visual comfort , and enhance visual quality by reducing glare and enhancing contrast , helping you to see better today . Transitions lenses block 100 percent of harmful UVA and UVB rays - helping to protect the health and wellness of your eyes - so you can see better tomorrow as well . More info on Transitions Lenses : www . transitions . com Transitions Optical created the Eye Didn 't Know That ! program to help people of all ages learn more about healthy vision . The program was developed by a team that includes eyecare professionals , science and education experts , and Transitions Optical , Inc . The Eye Didn 't Know That ! website offers materials for children , parents , teachers and eyecare professionals to use to teach and learn more about eyecare basics and the importance of eye health and regular comprehensive eye exams . The information includes fact sheets , games , quizzes , lesson plans and free downloadable materials . To learn more and to find out what makes your friends and family say " Eye Didn 't Know That ! " visit www . eyedidntknowthat . com . Transitions Lenses on Facebook : http : / / www . facebook . com / transitionsslenses Going through my recipe cards planning for next week 's menu , I came across something I haven 't cooked in a while . I am not a fan of pork chops , dating back to my childhood , which my mother can attest to . Actually , I loathe them . But , Nick and the kids like them , and I have these other ingredients on hand , so I am adding it to the meal plan . Nutritionally it meets the special requirements Nick and Aaron both have , so it works out well for me too in that respect . Other than that , it 's fast , easy to prepare , and pretty diet - friendly . You could even try to make it easier on your waistline by checking out Sensa ; read these Sensa reviews to learn more ! Enjoy ! In a small saucepan , combine the spreadable fruit , lemon juice , soy sauce , and cinnamon . Cook and stir over low heat until spreadable fruit is melted . Remove from heat ; set aside . Sprinkle both sides of pork chops with steak seasoning . In a large non - stick skiilet coated with non - stick cooking spray , cook chops in oil over medium - high heat for 5 - 7 minutes on each side or until a meat thermometer reads 160 . Serve with sauce and blackberries . Thanks for stopping at my Tasty Treats giveaway ! This event is hosted by Savings in Seconds and runs through July 2 , 2017 . Please hop to all of the linked . . . I 'll be moving this site soon to PracticalFrugality . com . It 's live now , and you may see things disappear from this site as I move them over . If you are looking for the buttons to follow me , they are on the new blog ! I 'm not quite ready to export all the posts over yet , it 'll be a bit . I am going to try and start posting some things there in the meantime , so you may see some things here , some things there . This policy is valid from 01 September 2010 This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me . This blog accepts forms of cash advertising , sponsorship , paid insertions or other forms of compensation . However , any post where I have received an item to sample and offer my opinion on will be clearly labeled . If I have not noted it as such , then it is a product I have purchased of my own accord and chosen to write about . This blog abides by word of mouth marketing standards . We believe in honesty of relationship , opinion and identity . The compensation received may influence the advertising content , topics or posts made in this blog . That content , advertising space or post will be clearly identified as paid or sponsored content . The influence is only to write about an item . All opinions will be true and honest regardless of any compensation . The owner ( s ) of this blog is compensated to provide opinion on products , services , websites and various other topics . Even though the owner ( s ) of this blog receives compensation for our posts or advertisements , we always give our honest opinions , findings , beliefs , or experiences on those topics or products . The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the bloggers ' own . Any product claim , statistic , quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer , provider or party in question . This blog does not contain content which might present a conflict of interest . Any content in which I feel there could be any conflict will always be identified . To get your own policy , go to http : / / www . disclosurepolicy . org

I am incredibly proud of this . I 've wanted to write ever since I can remember . I have a cupboard full of poetry and articles , children 's stories and part finished novels . My ' things to do before I 'm . . . . ' lists have always included " get published " . And what do I do next ? Move on to the next thing on the list of course ; and from a writing perspective that 's got to be to achieve publication in hard copy format . A book you can hold . That was the original ambition . The Internet 's not that old and didn 't exist when my publication dream first came into being ! There is currently an explosion of VPL . That 's Visible Pantie * Line . The explosion is a direct result of the kindling provided by white linen trousers . White linen see - through trousers . If you own a pair of these apparent summer staples then I have a very important public service announcement for you : please be informed : they are ALL see through . Don 't be fooled . They might look OK in the store , or even at home , but get outside in the bright sunshine and they disappear to nothing . I don 't understand why anyone buys these trousers . Let me tell you what others are thinking when they see you wearing them . " Oh look . White linen trousers . I bet they are see through . I 'll take a look . " Peers surreptitiously at the wearers bottom . " Ahh , I can 't see any VPL . They 've avoided that faux pas . Good for them . But how ? Hmmm . " Stares some more . " I can 't see any tell tale signs of a tiny g - string at the base of the spine . They must be going pantless . Eeuuuuwww . " The wearer happens to turn around . " Eeeekkkkk , quick keep your eyes up , up , do not , I repeat , do not look at her crotch . " Either we 've looked and established you are wearing pants and the VPL is visible to all and therefore I know what underwear you are wearing ; or you are wearing pants that are tiny enough to avoid most VPL and therefore I know what underwear you are wearing ; or you are not wearing pants and I know that you are not wearing pants and in some cases whether you prefer a Brazilian or not . I repeat : Eeeeeuuuuuwwww . In all cases I seriously do not want to know what underwear you are , or are not , wearing ; and I certainly don 't want to know your hair removal habits . The current explosion needs to stop , and to stop soon , before I start going up to random white trouser wearers in the street and telling them how it is . I don 't want to turn into some crazy woman raving about underwear in the middle of Jubilee Weekend celebrations . So please , please , please stop wearing them . And please , you fashion designers you , STOP MAKING THEM ! * That 's knickers , not trousers , just to be clear . Party games at children 's parties have become something of a pet hate of mine . Parties have become a battle ground anyway . A battle of mums to provide the very best ; in location , entertainment , music , party bags , games and cake . Growing up in the 80s parties were much less fraught with ' keeping up the Jones ' . They were very traditional affairs . The expectation was limited to a game of pass the parcel , a single balloon with a piece of cake in a party bag , and a dance around to music in your mates lounge . When was it , and who was it , that decided that all the children who lost the party game would get treats ? Who decided this ? Since when did we celebrate those that lost more than the one that won ? Along with the usual " it 's not the winning , it 's the taking part that counts " speech , we are teaching our children to not care about winning ? Soft play centres are the worst offenders in my experience . A game of pass the parcel deteriorates , as the children that take a layer off the parcel early in the game all receive a sweet , wrapped in the layer of paper they 've pulled off . Those children become uninterested in the game and disappear off to play . There 's no excitement about who is going to get to open the last layer . It 's such a shame . My abiding memory of the game , the excitement as the parcel approached , and knowing it was nearly the last layer , but not being 100 % certain . Now , since everyone gets a prize , and often all of equal size , it really doesn 't matter if you get the last layer , or indeed any layer , as even those that don 't get to unwrap usually get to pick a sweet out of a box afterwards . But I am tempted to rebel . I am tempted to go back to traditional , nothing in the layers until the end , pass the parcel . I am tempted to teach our children that they don 't always win . Surely we should teach our children to be competitive and want to win ? It was our daughter 's 6th birthday this week . What did we choose to do to celebrate ? We went to the cinema with 9 of her friends . At £ 1 a ticket , with a little extra for popcorn snack boxes and a party bag each with a little stationary set , balloon and party cake , it didn 't break the bank and there was no need for games . That 's one way to side step the issue ! Maybe the rebellion starts next time ? ! I 'm not sure how this has happened . I thought I 'd become such a let loose - fancy free - maybe even slip shod mother , when I stopped ironing knickers , vests , tea towels , sheets and duvet covers ; just one of the tips in my 5 quick ironing tips for busy woman post . But apparently I am not as relaxed as I thought . Relative to the mums commenting over on my How do I find the time ? post , I am ironing when I need not . In fact I haven 't come across anybody else who irons their husbands shirts yet . Now I realise this isn 't particularly feminist of me ; but really it was never about it being ' the womans ' job , or otherwise ; it was just that I quite enjoy ironing compared to other potential tasks ( like mowing the lawn ) that we split between us in our husband - wife partnership . I like it because I can watch television whilst doing it . So my husband and I have a split of chores and I ended up with this one . This week 's discovery , that I 'm fairly alone in the ironing world , put me off doing it . It almost made me resent doing it . Then , today , there was an incident that put me off even further . I managed to knock the board and spill my jug of water on the floor and on the plug extension . The iron followed , and sat , in the puddle of water , on our wooden floor , steam hissing and bubbling from underneath ! I was slightly freaked ; jumped back away from the puddle , screamed at my daughter to stay across the other side of the room , and carefully walked around the board to turn the plug off before catastrophe could hit . I was shook up . In a split second I thought I was going to get electrocuted . And then I thought I was going to burn the house down . Irrational I know , but I panicked in those seconds . I put the iron and board away pretty quickly . Maybe this is a cue to give up ironing entirely ? What do you think ? Is it ' normal ' these days ? Is everyone else really good at hanging up clothes quickly after drying outside ? Or is it natural to just get dressed and let the creases drop out throughout the day ? Do they drop out ? Really ? I don 't trust it . . . I really don 't . . . . I need help ! When I became a mum I began to neglect music , so when Mumsnet asked me if I 'd be interested in reviewing a new album by Emeli Sande I jumped at the chance . Let 's be honest here ; I 'd never heard of her . I know I know , that 's really poor isn 't it . Some great artists have sung her songs including Tinie Tempah , Cheryl Cole and The Saturdays . She was writing songs when she was 11 years old , and turned down a record deal in her teens , preferring instead to finish her exams and begin to study medicine . This is not just an up and coming singer ; this is a songwriter that means business . " Where I Sleep " is my favourite . In the interests of being useful I tried to understand why I prefer it to others . I think because the chorus is a quick to learn , set of lyrics that resonated with me ; " And I 'm sure of nothing that I know . Except this is us , and this is love , and this is where I 'm home " . It reminds me of how lucky I am . There were other tunes that I felt would be more suited to an angst - ridden teenager , or indeed anyone in the midst of trying to find their ' one true love ' . I can imagine that you could happily wallow with this album on . Get the wine and ice cream out , chocolate aplenty . Is it for me ? I don 't think I would have bought this myself . It 's music to a stage of life that I 've passed , and I personally prefer my tunes to be a little less serious , a little more fun , with a smile and a wink . But that 's just my opinion . And I 'm not saying there isn 't some catchy stuff on there that I keep finding myself singing ( " Next to me - e - e - e - e , woo hoo ooo " ) I 'm really pleased to have been able to listen to some of ' todays ' music . And I 'll be trying to turn on that radio more often . If this is an example of the quality of music around today , then I have a lot of great music to discover ! Maybe I 'll be one step closer to my imagined idea of a yummy mummy ! I am a member of the Mumsnet Bloggers Network , a group of parent bloggers picked by Mumsnet to review products , services , events and brands . I have not paid for the product or to attend an event . I have editorial control and retain full editorial integrity . 4 comments : Before you have children you have NO IDEA how much time you have at your disposal . NONE . You are in complete ignorance . You wile away the time watching loads of television , socialising with friends , staying up late , getting up late , working whatever hours you like . You do things ; obviously . But with no real sense of urgency . No sense that this abundance of time is soon to run out . You think you have all the time in the world . The one thing that no - one thinks to tell you ; or if they do you are so in the dark you ignore it anyway ; is that you will no longer have ANY time . You think you are going to get a year off on maternity in which you 'll start that book you 've been promising yourself you 'll write , and get on top of the chores , and read the rest of the classics . You think " how much time can a baby take up ? They sleep most of the time don 't they ? " Since I 've had children everyday involves the logistical planning that top military leaders would be proud of . From ensuring you 've washed and ironed all their clothes as well as your own ( so they have something to venture outside the house in . . . . . this is the UK you know ; it 's cold ) , to ensuring you 've not ran out of milk and cereal ( you can 't just pop around to the corner shop - you have two young children now . A trip to the local shop will take 2 hours ) , to making sure they don 't have yogurt in their hair , nor chocolate around their mouth . All this before 8am . ( Click here for my tips to ease the morning rush ) This is erratic at best in our house . I have a lovely hubby who helps with this one by throwing a few loads of washing on each weekend , and sometimes mid week , when he sees it building up . We should probably do a load every day ( we have enough washing for that ) but we don 't . I then end up having to spend an entire 3 hours in an evening , probably once a week , ironing everything that needs it . ( Definitely not everything . Click here for my 5 Quick Ironing Tips for Busy Women ) There goes most of the other evenings ! I tend to do this after the children have gone to bed when there 's something ( sport ) on the TV that hubby wants to watch . I am lucky to sometimes get a free day in the week now when both girls are in school and nursery , and of the 5 hours I get I often spend 2 of them writing . Oh alright ; stop twisting my arm ; probably 1 hour actually writing , 2 hours flying around the fabulous land of the Internet , and a quick hour tidying round to make it look like I 've been very ' busy ' . ( I 'm eating lunch or snacking in the other hour . I knew you 'd check if it added up ! ) Who me ? Is that my job too ? Blimey . It 's a tough one , but a lot of it is fulfilled by the time I spend writing ( see above ) . That time , pounding the words into the keyboard , cuppa slowly going cold beside me , is my time . I should probably be sat in a candlelit soap filled bath , reading Jane Eyre and painting my toes . But really . . . . I have enough trouble prioritising time to keep my roots recoloured ( home colouring ) Do you really think I 'd prioritise that over this beautiful keyboard ! Strokes space bar lovingly . Realises really shouldn 't be writing that . Tries to delete . . . delete button stuck . Darn . . . . . . . . . . . We try and make the most of the weekends and save our pennies for holidays ; but obviously that 's the whole family . Luckily our own parents are fabulous babysitters , so we get the odd date night out too . Maybe once every couple of months on average , and if we 've been good , a weekend away for new year sale shopping . Do fun stuff with your little ones I struggle with this one . On the one hand I do enjoy quality one on one time with them when I get it , and we try to arrange this at the weekends , where one of the girls spends time with my hubby whilst I spend time with the other . On the other hand they are only 2 years apart so they currently play games together very well . It 's all too tempting to leave them to it when they are playing happily to be honest . Why should I force my presence into the game when it 's not required . When I do have time with them it 's either making a special effort to go the park after school , or we 'll bake together at the weekends ( great recipe for Banana and Chocolate Chip Muffins here that is good to do with children ) or I 'll get the ' sticking box ' out and we 'll cover the table with glitter and coloured paper and make cards . Particularly fun in the fun up to Christmas ! To be honest most of this is done at weekends . There just isn 't much time in the week after we 've got in at 4pm , I 've made tea ( whilst they happily play games or watch a bit of television before tea ) we 've eaten tea , gone upstairs for bath ( about 6pm ish ) , brushed teeth ( to avoid the teeth monster ) , read stories ( one each minimum ) , sang the lullaby and tucked up in bed . Although now I 've re - read that paragraph I realise that is ' spending time with them ' . I suppose you have to remember that time spent doing daily tasks can also be enjoyable fun time ( as long as they aren 't tired and causing trouble when they should be getting their teeth brushed . ) It doesn 't have to be specifically ' play ' . Finally recovers from rolling around on the floor laughing . Do I have time ? Unfortunately not . In our case my parents live a good 45 minutes drive away . And my mum doesn 't drive . And to get the train she has to get a bus into town first . So it 's easier for me to go to them . But my girls are at school or nursery . So it 's tricky . Quite often though my mum will come up to see us on the train . ( She 's a superstar ) She 'll arrive at 10am and stay until 7pm . It 's a long day for her , so we won 't be able to continue doing that indefinitely but it works for now and she probably does it roughly once every couple of months . We try and try to do this better . The last girls evening out I had was probably 4 months ago now . I see other mummy friends at the school gate ( doesn 't that count ? ) . We are starting to try and organise more Sundays where friends come over and we get to catch up whilst the children play in the garden and we have BBQs . But it 's May ; and it 's still raining . The weather is thwarting us . " Never . Ever . Oh all right then . Probably once a year in preparation for everyone coming to ours for Christmas . We clean it so it looks beautiful for all of a day . Then Father Christmas visits along with 9 other people and the house is once again back to it 's chaotic self . " But then I read this back and it dawned on my that we have a wonderful cleaner come in once a week for two hours to blitz the bathrooms / floors / kitchen etc . She does more in those two hours than I was managing in a month , so it 's well worth it . We decided that , if I was working part - time , part of my earnings would pay for this so that I have time with the girls when am I off . It works really well , as when I 'm off with the younger ( 3 years old ) each week I get to play games with her and not have to worry about bleaching the toilets or scrubbing the oven . Hubby to the rescue on this one . He takes one or both of the girls to the supermarket at the weekend . Usually leaving me with some of that ironing we mentioned earlier . Click here for great tips to keep them entertained whilst they help you shop ! We covered this one further up . Either in the evenings after the girls are in bed , or at the weekend when they are getting the shopping . Sum up And there we have it . That 's how I find the time . There are a lot of multi - tasking things I do to crowbar other things in like exercise for example ( while brushing my teeth ) and beauty ( plenty of preparation to reduce the time required in the morning to look acceptable . ) But really I prioritise what I think is important ; and that is where we 'll all differ . Some won 't iron at all ( ATOmum I 'm looking at you ! ) and that is absolutely fine . Some will spend an hour straightening their hair and that is fine too . As long as we each , individually , feel we are getting the balance right then each to their own . Of course if you never , ever play games with your children because you are too busy working / beautifying / cleaning then you may just want to rethink . However , after my 5 year old brought home " The Magic Key " last night I moved on a stage - straight to hatred . She might as well have been reading a list of words to practise her reading . The story " The Magic Key " is less of a story and more of a vague throwing together of scenes where the cast have a limited vocabulary that generally involves some , or all , of them saying " Oh no " . The gist of this ' story ' was that Chip and Biff found a magic key . They picked it up and it made them shrink . They picked up a few random objects on the floor ( pencil , pin ) and marvelled at how heavy they were ( at this point I was vaguely interested in why , of all the objects them could find , a sharp pin which was now the size of a sword , should be chosen . I needn 't have bothered ) Then they saw the dolls house and tried to get inside . OK , so far there is some promise of adventure . They have , after all , a weapon . But no . They couldn 't get in the house and that ' storyline ' was abandoned . Then a dark shadow scared them . Oh , I thought , somewhat foolishly , here we go , here 's the action . But no . It was a mouse . A boring mouse that looked at them and went away again . And that , dear readers , was the end . I can 't work out where the drama is in that . I can 't work out where there is consideration of plot . Of a beginning , a middle and an end . Of conflict and resolution . Of character development . I refuse to accept the answer that " there doesn 't need to be any " . Of course there does . You wouldn 't try and teach a child to read by making them read the dictionary . The reason to learn to read is to be able to experience other worlds , to jump into stories and enjoy them . And of course , to be able to learn things from non - fiction books , to read newspapers , to read road signs , to communicate . I understand that when writing for a reading scheme you are supposed to use a certain batch of words . What I am less sure on is why ? Why not just read stories ; any stories . The common words , by their very nature , will appear more often and will be picked up quicker due to their repetition . There will be tricky words , but then again , I 'm in my late 30s and still have to occasionally ask what a word means . There are hundreds of stories out there that are good stories . With all the Roald Dahls , Julia Donaldsons , Enid Blytons , A A Milnes , Roger Hargreaves ' out there , why oh why oh why do we need this rubbish ? I have a set of these at home gifted from a neighbour who is also a teacher . Of all the books my girls have these Chip and Biff stories are NEVER selected by them when it 's bedtime story time . What do you think ? Why do teachers use these ' schemes ' ? Do you use them at home ? What are the advantages of this kind of book ? I presume there must be some , otherwise someone , somewhere , is making money out of a con . But it strikes me that there are particular types of exercise class devotee that you don 't necessarily want to be stood next too in class ! So I thought I 'd outline all the exercise class types I find at my local Zumba class and leave you to decide which you are , which you think I am , and which you 'd rather avoid ! The Exercise Class Bully There are some people who , whether they know it or not , take up TOO MUCH ROOM . They are generally tall and strong . Often very toned , but not slight . They come to class regularly to the extent that they know every single move ; but they don 't express any joy in taking part . Determined is their only expression . Even in a Zumba class , which is supposed to be a laugh , they are stuck in the fierce , ' pound it out ' , aerobics class frame of mind . They are not light on their feet , so it hurts . . These ladies are slight , petite and annoyingly trendy . They look like mums , but the sort of mum who is at the gym daily , can run around the garden with her boys playing football and still look good . They appear cool and calm , and their cut off trousers don 't make them look shorter or fatter ( like they do me ) , but rather trendy and youthful . Once they start exercising they don 't let loose and relax , but neither do they pound out the steps . They seem to do it daintily . The steps are technically right , but it doesn 't look like they 'd ever break a sweat doing them . It 's mechanical . Dancers would refer to it as ' marking ' . The Tryer These are often older , maybe mid 50s , though not exclusively . They are not natural movers and can 't quite keep up . You often find yourself nose to nose with them when you turn around and they don 't . You need to keep an eye out for them to ensure you don 't tread on them . This is the one that turns up erratically , but picks up the moves quickly and so just has a laugh . If she goes wrong she just laughs and catches up at the next count of 8 . She throws herself into the moves and has a tendency to use up far too much room , but will keep an eye on the space around her and try not to get in the way . * * * Most exercise classes have something in common . They will only work if you relax , stop worrying about what you may or may not look like and throw yourself into it . Remember Phoebe in the US show ' Friends ' ? Remember how she used to run like a child and just ' let go ' ? Remember dancing in nightclubs as an 18 year old ? How much energy did you throw into those moves ? Remember that and recreate it . It 's your time . Enjoy it . Then you really will find yourself losing weight . I fell to sleep at 7 . 30pm on the sofa on Wednesday night . That 's right ! 7 . 30 ! Boy , am I a wuss ! And yes I expect lots of sympathetic comments and virtual biscuits sent over . ( pretty please - bottom lip comes out ) The advantage of feeling rubbish for the last 24 hours has been plenty of time to think . Oh no ! Think ? That 's not good is it ? My parents always tell me I over - think everything . Over analyse it all . Feel like I need to have mapped out all the possibilities , internally debated all the arguments , considered all the outcomes , before doing ANYTHING . They are right . I 've been thinking about my next blog post and I 've been stuck . This is partly because I found out today that I didn 't make the finalist list in The Mad Blog Awards 2012 . As a result I went straight into ' over - analyse ' mode . I sat and spent far too much time , in an already weakened state , reading the ' finalists ' blogs . The idea being that I should be able to pick up some tips to help improve this humble blog and therefore provide you lovely readers with some really great stuff . I 'm sure you can see where this is going can 't you ? On a normal , healthy day that plan would be fine . I 'd have a read , enjoy the fantastic blogs that they are ( they really are , click on the Mad Blog link above and check them out - but please do come back . . . whimpers ) and use the lessons to build the joy here . What actually happened was that I got over - emotional , over - awed at these other writers , many of whom have been doing this for years , and felt completely not worthy . There were even tears . And so I sat down to write . Though this post doesn 't particularly stick to the main theme of this blog ( tips to help us be yummy , even when a mummy ) it is to remind me that we are ALL yummy in our own ways . We have our own skills , our own talents , and , maybe more importantly , our own joys . I 've been writing this blog for 3 years now ( has it really been that long ) and this will be my 165th published post . I didn 't write it to make money ( though if offered that would obviously be nice ) . I started it because I 've always wanted to be a writer . I wanted to write . I wanted to hopefully create something that someone somewhere would find useful or mildly amusing , and I will keep doing that regardless of potential awards , because it is here , with you , that I find my moments of joy . So thank you for stopping by . Please stay for biscuits . Comments and feedback are definitely welcome ( I always reply ) . Above all , stay yummy - it 's not just a looks thing ; it 's a state of mind . * The " out of the mouths of babes " link up is still open , and new posts are being added to the list every day . Feel free to pop on over for a giggle , or to add your own . Click the button below ! What causes rickets ? The main cause of Rickets is a deficiency in Vitamin D . Calcium deficiency can also be a cause . Once you realise that our main sources of Vitamin D are oily fish , eggs and natural sunlight , you immediately start to see why a deficiency may be occurring . The natural sunlight that is required to absorb enough Vitamin D isn 't much ; 10 - 15 minutes of sun exposure on hands and face a few times a week . However it 's the UVB rays that induce the vitamin D into our skin , which can 't get through if we are covered in sunscreen at all times . In the UK we use our winter stores of Vitamin D between November and April ( when the UVB rays aren 't strong enough ) ; but need to get enough Vitamin D in the summer months . Risk of rickets versus the risk of sun burn For children with fair skin , the NHS suggests allowing 10 - 15 minutes a day ( no longer ) of time in the sun without sunscreen . The more skin that is exposed the more Vitamin D will be stored and the shorter the time of exposure required . Obviously it is then important to apply sunscreen to avoid the risk of burning and many cancers . In my case I know I can burn with just 10 minutes unprotected exposure at 1pm , but at 10 . 30am or 3pm I am usually safe to go without sunscreen for short periods . Use the knowledge you have of your own skin as a starting point . And of course , if you and your child do not burn within 15 minutes in the UK sun , this may not be the case when you jet off to the Mediterranean for your holidays . The closer to the equator you get , the stronger the sun . The children will probably spend most of their Mediterranean holiday outside and in swimsuits , so it 's probably safer to avoid any unprotected time for those two weeks unless it 's perhaps later in the evening , when the sun is still out but is less strong . Dark skin ? Dark skin requires slightly longer to absorb the Vitamin D . Those of African Caribbean and South Asian descent are at greateer risk of Vitamin D deficiency . Start with small amounts of unprotected time in the sun at cooler times of the day , and build up gradually to approximately 10 - 15 minutes . Again , the more skin that is exposed , the more Vitamin D will be absorbed . The NHS also recommends that pregnant and breastfeeding woman take a Vitamin D supplement to ensure their and their babies needs are met . Pregant women and children who qualify can obtain free supplements through the Healthy Start scheme . Supplements should not exceed 25 micrograms a day . ( 40IU = 1mg ) How do you ensure a temperature doesn 't keep a child awake at a time when sleep would be the best thing to help them recover ? How do you do all this without appearing at the doctors office at the first sign of every sniffle ? Every mother I know has a stock of Calpol in the cupboard . Most also have Calprofen . I know we do . But I still go through a debate with myself before I dish out a dose . Should I be reverting to medicine this quickly ? Will they build up a resistance ? Could they cope without it ? All the questions that you answer one way when you have the luxury of debating it without a weeping child burning up in your arms , but of course , when it comes to it , you dish out that dose pretty quickly . And so it then becomes a question of dosage and timing . Which to give and when to give it . It took a while for us to work out that you can give both at the same time . Calpol being for pain relief , Calprofen being an anti - inflammatory . But if you literally give them at the same time , you then have a 4 - 6 hour window where they are not allowed any more medicine . After 3 hours this can be a problem . So we tend to alternate . Calprofen with meals ( as required ) ; at 6 . 30am , 12noon and 6pm . Calpol in between at 9 . 30am if needed , 2 . 30 if needed and , in order to ensure we get our sleep at the same time they do , we gently wake them at around 10 . 30pm to give a dose . It 's this 10 . 30pm dose that saves our sanity when they are unwell . It means that we get a good batch of sleep ourselves and if we 're lucky until 6am . If we skip this dose they tend to wake at 3am ; and I don 't cope well with 3am wake - ups . It is seriously detrimental to my ability to calmly nurse them better . Particularly in the summer when , after sitting with them for half an hour you suddenly hear the birds start singing ! Last night I forgot . My daughter was running a slight temperature , and had swollen tonsils , but was generally fine and running around playing . She had some medicine at 2 . 30pm , as she became very hot fairly suddenly ; but then we forgot to do anymore as she seemed fairly well . Of course , at 3 . 30am this morning she woke up , crying , very hot and with swollen tonsils that were hurting ( I could tell by the laboured swallowing ) . A quick dose of Calprofen was required , but of course I had to sit with her for quite a while to wait for it to start it 's work enough for her to fall asleep . Whilst the Calpol and Calprofen combination works well for things like sore throats and temperatures ; ( where they are generally fine , but need help fighting something off ) I find that the old fashioned cold , with it 's runny nose and subsequent coughing , can be stopped just enough for your child to get a good nights sleep with one of these ; Karvol , Olbas Oil or Vicks VaboRub . The choice depends on symptoms . With a blocked up nose that needs clearing , Olbas oil works well . For a runny nose that needs stemming , Karvol works well . To ease the congestion and tickling at the coughing stage , Vicks Vaborub ( rubbed on their feet - yes , I know it 's weird , but it works ) is our choice . And did I get back to sleep last night ? As is typical of these kind of nights , the 5 year old then woke up having had a bad dream . I got back into bed at nearly 5am . Please note : the advice here is in no way intended as a substitute for medical advice . If an appropriate dose of medicine doesn 't bring your child 's temperature down within an hour , or indeed if they are obviously very unwell , you should seek medical advice . The advice presented here is purely for those situations where the child is generally fine , but is fighting a slight temperature and occasionally needs assistance with that . My children make me laugh every day . Every day . They see the world differently and it shows when they express themselves . From their view of public sector strikes , to their innocent mispronunciations , it can be anything from enlightening to downright embarrassing . And so , I thought it would be nice to bring together other mummy blogger 's posts sharing the words of wisdom that our children provide us with . Here it is ; the " Out of the mouths of babes " link up . Hopefully lots of my lovely fellow mummy bloggers will join up ( instructions below ) and add their links to the list below . Have fun reading them ! The aim is to do this every month . Let 's see how it goes ! 1 . Grab my button and paste it at the top or bottom of your post , to enable readers to get back to the main list . ( Please let me know if the code doesn 't work . It 's the first time I 've tried this ! ) Yummy Mummy ? Really ? is a participant in the Amazon EU Associates Programme , an affiliate advertising programme designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon . co . uk . I am a . . . .

I am incredibly proud of this . I 've wanted to write ever since I can remember . I have a cupboard full of poetry and articles , children 's stories and part finished novels . My ' things to do before I 'm . . . . ' lists have always included " get published " . And what do I do next ? Move on to the next thing on the list of course ; and from a writing perspective that 's got to be to achieve publication in hard copy format . A book you can hold . That was the original ambition . The Internet 's not that old and didn 't exist when my publication dream first came into being ! There is currently an explosion of VPL . That 's Visible Pantie * Line . The explosion is a direct result of the kindling provided by white linen trousers . White linen see - through trousers . If you own a pair of these apparent summer staples then I have a very important public service announcement for you : please be informed : they are ALL see through . Don 't be fooled . They might look OK in the store , or even at home , but get outside in the bright sunshine and they disappear to nothing . I don 't understand why anyone buys these trousers . Let me tell you what others are thinking when they see you wearing them . " Oh look . White linen trousers . I bet they are see through . I 'll take a look . " Peers surreptitiously at the wearers bottom . " Ahh , I can 't see any VPL . They 've avoided that faux pas . Good for them . But how ? Hmmm . " Stares some more . " I can 't see any tell tale signs of a tiny g - string at the base of the spine . They must be going pantless . Eeuuuuwww . " The wearer happens to turn around . " Eeeekkkkk , quick keep your eyes up , up , do not , I repeat , do not look at her crotch . " Either we 've looked and established you are wearing pants and the VPL is visible to all and therefore I know what underwear you are wearing ; or you are wearing pants that are tiny enough to avoid most VPL and therefore I know what underwear you are wearing ; or you are not wearing pants and I know that you are not wearing pants and in some cases whether you prefer a Brazilian or not . I repeat : Eeeeeuuuuuwwww . In all cases I seriously do not want to know what underwear you are , or are not , wearing ; and I certainly don 't want to know your hair removal habits . The current explosion needs to stop , and to stop soon , before I start going up to random white trouser wearers in the street and telling them how it is . I don 't want to turn into some crazy woman raving about underwear in the middle of Jubilee Weekend celebrations . So please , please , please stop wearing them . And please , you fashion designers you , STOP MAKING THEM ! * That 's knickers , not trousers , just to be clear . Party games at children 's parties have become something of a pet hate of mine . Parties have become a battle ground anyway . A battle of mums to provide the very best ; in location , entertainment , music , party bags , games and cake . Growing up in the 80s parties were much less fraught with ' keeping up the Jones ' . They were very traditional affairs . The expectation was limited to a game of pass the parcel , a single balloon with a piece of cake in a party bag , and a dance around to music in your mates lounge . When was it , and who was it , that decided that all the children who lost the party game would get treats ? Who decided this ? Since when did we celebrate those that lost more than the one that won ? Along with the usual " it 's not the winning , it 's the taking part that counts " speech , we are teaching our children to not care about winning ? Soft play centres are the worst offenders in my experience . A game of pass the parcel deteriorates , as the children that take a layer off the parcel early in the game all receive a sweet , wrapped in the layer of paper they 've pulled off . Those children become uninterested in the game and disappear off to play . There 's no excitement about who is going to get to open the last layer . It 's such a shame . My abiding memory of the game , the excitement as the parcel approached , and knowing it was nearly the last layer , but not being 100 % certain . Now , since everyone gets a prize , and often all of equal size , it really doesn 't matter if you get the last layer , or indeed any layer , as even those that don 't get to unwrap usually get to pick a sweet out of a box afterwards . But I am tempted to rebel . I am tempted to go back to traditional , nothing in the layers until the end , pass the parcel . I am tempted to teach our children that they don 't always win . Surely we should teach our children to be competitive and want to win ? It was our daughter 's 6th birthday this week . What did we choose to do to celebrate ? We went to the cinema with 9 of her friends . At £ 1 a ticket , with a little extra for popcorn snack boxes and a party bag each with a little stationary set , balloon and party cake , it didn 't break the bank and there was no need for games . That 's one way to side step the issue ! Maybe the rebellion starts next time ? ! I 'm not sure how this has happened . I thought I 'd become such a let loose - fancy free - maybe even slip shod mother , when I stopped ironing knickers , vests , tea towels , sheets and duvet covers ; just one of the tips in my 5 quick ironing tips for busy woman post . But apparently I am not as relaxed as I thought . Relative to the mums commenting over on my How do I find the time ? post , I am ironing when I need not . In fact I haven 't come across anybody else who irons their husbands shirts yet . Now I realise this isn 't particularly feminist of me ; but really it was never about it being ' the womans ' job , or otherwise ; it was just that I quite enjoy ironing compared to other potential tasks ( like mowing the lawn ) that we split between us in our husband - wife partnership . I like it because I can watch television whilst doing it . So my husband and I have a split of chores and I ended up with this one . This week 's discovery , that I 'm fairly alone in the ironing world , put me off doing it . It almost made me resent doing it . Then , today , there was an incident that put me off even further . I managed to knock the board and spill my jug of water on the floor and on the plug extension . The iron followed , and sat , in the puddle of water , on our wooden floor , steam hissing and bubbling from underneath ! I was slightly freaked ; jumped back away from the puddle , screamed at my daughter to stay across the other side of the room , and carefully walked around the board to turn the plug off before catastrophe could hit . I was shook up . In a split second I thought I was going to get electrocuted . And then I thought I was going to burn the house down . Irrational I know , but I panicked in those seconds . I put the iron and board away pretty quickly . Maybe this is a cue to give up ironing entirely ? What do you think ? Is it ' normal ' these days ? Is everyone else really good at hanging up clothes quickly after drying outside ? Or is it natural to just get dressed and let the creases drop out throughout the day ? Do they drop out ? Really ? I don 't trust it . . . I really don 't . . . . I need help ! When I became a mum I began to neglect music , so when Mumsnet asked me if I 'd be interested in reviewing a new album by Emeli Sande I jumped at the chance . Let 's be honest here ; I 'd never heard of her . I know I know , that 's really poor isn 't it . Some great artists have sung her songs including Tinie Tempah , Cheryl Cole and The Saturdays . She was writing songs when she was 11 years old , and turned down a record deal in her teens , preferring instead to finish her exams and begin to study medicine . This is not just an up and coming singer ; this is a songwriter that means business . " Where I Sleep " is my favourite . In the interests of being useful I tried to understand why I prefer it to others . I think because the chorus is a quick to learn , set of lyrics that resonated with me ; " And I 'm sure of nothing that I know . Except this is us , and this is love , and this is where I 'm home " . It reminds me of how lucky I am . There were other tunes that I felt would be more suited to an angst - ridden teenager , or indeed anyone in the midst of trying to find their ' one true love ' . I can imagine that you could happily wallow with this album on . Get the wine and ice cream out , chocolate aplenty . Is it for me ? I don 't think I would have bought this myself . It 's music to a stage of life that I 've passed , and I personally prefer my tunes to be a little less serious , a little more fun , with a smile and a wink . But that 's just my opinion . And I 'm not saying there isn 't some catchy stuff on there that I keep finding myself singing ( " Next to me - e - e - e - e , woo hoo ooo " ) I 'm really pleased to have been able to listen to some of ' todays ' music . And I 'll be trying to turn on that radio more often . If this is an example of the quality of music around today , then I have a lot of great music to discover ! Maybe I 'll be one step closer to my imagined idea of a yummy mummy ! I am a member of the Mumsnet Bloggers Network , a group of parent bloggers picked by Mumsnet to review products , services , events and brands . I have not paid for the product or to attend an event . I have editorial control and retain full editorial integrity . 4 comments : Before you have children you have NO IDEA how much time you have at your disposal . NONE . You are in complete ignorance . You wile away the time watching loads of television , socialising with friends , staying up late , getting up late , working whatever hours you like . You do things ; obviously . But with no real sense of urgency . No sense that this abundance of time is soon to run out . You think you have all the time in the world . The one thing that no - one thinks to tell you ; or if they do you are so in the dark you ignore it anyway ; is that you will no longer have ANY time . You think you are going to get a year off on maternity in which you 'll start that book you 've been promising yourself you 'll write , and get on top of the chores , and read the rest of the classics . You think " how much time can a baby take up ? They sleep most of the time don 't they ? " Since I 've had children everyday involves the logistical planning that top military leaders would be proud of . From ensuring you 've washed and ironed all their clothes as well as your own ( so they have something to venture outside the house in . . . . . this is the UK you know ; it 's cold ) , to ensuring you 've not ran out of milk and cereal ( you can 't just pop around to the corner shop - you have two young children now . A trip to the local shop will take 2 hours ) , to making sure they don 't have yogurt in their hair , nor chocolate around their mouth . All this before 8am . ( Click here for my tips to ease the morning rush ) This is erratic at best in our house . I have a lovely hubby who helps with this one by throwing a few loads of washing on each weekend , and sometimes mid week , when he sees it building up . We should probably do a load every day ( we have enough washing for that ) but we don 't . I then end up having to spend an entire 3 hours in an evening , probably once a week , ironing everything that needs it . ( Definitely not everything . Click here for my 5 Quick Ironing Tips for Busy Women ) There goes most of the other evenings ! I tend to do this after the children have gone to bed when there 's something ( sport ) on the TV that hubby wants to watch . I am lucky to sometimes get a free day in the week now when both girls are in school and nursery , and of the 5 hours I get I often spend 2 of them writing . Oh alright ; stop twisting my arm ; probably 1 hour actually writing , 2 hours flying around the fabulous land of the Internet , and a quick hour tidying round to make it look like I 've been very ' busy ' . ( I 'm eating lunch or snacking in the other hour . I knew you 'd check if it added up ! ) Who me ? Is that my job too ? Blimey . It 's a tough one , but a lot of it is fulfilled by the time I spend writing ( see above ) . That time , pounding the words into the keyboard , cuppa slowly going cold beside me , is my time . I should probably be sat in a candlelit soap filled bath , reading Jane Eyre and painting my toes . But really . . . . I have enough trouble prioritising time to keep my roots recoloured ( home colouring ) Do you really think I 'd prioritise that over this beautiful keyboard ! Strokes space bar lovingly . Realises really shouldn 't be writing that . Tries to delete . . . delete button stuck . Darn . . . . . . . . . . . We try and make the most of the weekends and save our pennies for holidays ; but obviously that 's the whole family . Luckily our own parents are fabulous babysitters , so we get the odd date night out too . Maybe once every couple of months on average , and if we 've been good , a weekend away for new year sale shopping . Do fun stuff with your little ones I struggle with this one . On the one hand I do enjoy quality one on one time with them when I get it , and we try to arrange this at the weekends , where one of the girls spends time with my hubby whilst I spend time with the other . On the other hand they are only 2 years apart so they currently play games together very well . It 's all too tempting to leave them to it when they are playing happily to be honest . Why should I force my presence into the game when it 's not required . When I do have time with them it 's either making a special effort to go the park after school , or we 'll bake together at the weekends ( great recipe for Banana and Chocolate Chip Muffins here that is good to do with children ) or I 'll get the ' sticking box ' out and we 'll cover the table with glitter and coloured paper and make cards . Particularly fun in the fun up to Christmas ! To be honest most of this is done at weekends . There just isn 't much time in the week after we 've got in at 4pm , I 've made tea ( whilst they happily play games or watch a bit of television before tea ) we 've eaten tea , gone upstairs for bath ( about 6pm ish ) , brushed teeth ( to avoid the teeth monster ) , read stories ( one each minimum ) , sang the lullaby and tucked up in bed . Although now I 've re - read that paragraph I realise that is ' spending time with them ' . I suppose you have to remember that time spent doing daily tasks can also be enjoyable fun time ( as long as they aren 't tired and causing trouble when they should be getting their teeth brushed . ) It doesn 't have to be specifically ' play ' . Finally recovers from rolling around on the floor laughing . Do I have time ? Unfortunately not . In our case my parents live a good 45 minutes drive away . And my mum doesn 't drive . And to get the train she has to get a bus into town first . So it 's easier for me to go to them . But my girls are at school or nursery . So it 's tricky . Quite often though my mum will come up to see us on the train . ( She 's a superstar ) She 'll arrive at 10am and stay until 7pm . It 's a long day for her , so we won 't be able to continue doing that indefinitely but it works for now and she probably does it roughly once every couple of months . We try and try to do this better . The last girls evening out I had was probably 4 months ago now . I see other mummy friends at the school gate ( doesn 't that count ? ) . We are starting to try and organise more Sundays where friends come over and we get to catch up whilst the children play in the garden and we have BBQs . But it 's May ; and it 's still raining . The weather is thwarting us . " Never . Ever . Oh all right then . Probably once a year in preparation for everyone coming to ours for Christmas . We clean it so it looks beautiful for all of a day . Then Father Christmas visits along with 9 other people and the house is once again back to it 's chaotic self . " But then I read this back and it dawned on my that we have a wonderful cleaner come in once a week for two hours to blitz the bathrooms / floors / kitchen etc . She does more in those two hours than I was managing in a month , so it 's well worth it . We decided that , if I was working part - time , part of my earnings would pay for this so that I have time with the girls when am I off . It works really well , as when I 'm off with the younger ( 3 years old ) each week I get to play games with her and not have to worry about bleaching the toilets or scrubbing the oven . Hubby to the rescue on this one . He takes one or both of the girls to the supermarket at the weekend . Usually leaving me with some of that ironing we mentioned earlier . Click here for great tips to keep them entertained whilst they help you shop ! We covered this one further up . Either in the evenings after the girls are in bed , or at the weekend when they are getting the shopping . Sum up And there we have it . That 's how I find the time . There are a lot of multi - tasking things I do to crowbar other things in like exercise for example ( while brushing my teeth ) and beauty ( plenty of preparation to reduce the time required in the morning to look acceptable . ) But really I prioritise what I think is important ; and that is where we 'll all differ . Some won 't iron at all ( ATOmum I 'm looking at you ! ) and that is absolutely fine . Some will spend an hour straightening their hair and that is fine too . As long as we each , individually , feel we are getting the balance right then each to their own . Of course if you never , ever play games with your children because you are too busy working / beautifying / cleaning then you may just want to rethink . However , after my 5 year old brought home " The Magic Key " last night I moved on a stage - straight to hatred . She might as well have been reading a list of words to practise her reading . The story " The Magic Key " is less of a story and more of a vague throwing together of scenes where the cast have a limited vocabulary that generally involves some , or all , of them saying " Oh no " . The gist of this ' story ' was that Chip and Biff found a magic key . They picked it up and it made them shrink . They picked up a few random objects on the floor ( pencil , pin ) and marvelled at how heavy they were ( at this point I was vaguely interested in why , of all the objects them could find , a sharp pin which was now the size of a sword , should be chosen . I needn 't have bothered ) Then they saw the dolls house and tried to get inside . OK , so far there is some promise of adventure . They have , after all , a weapon . But no . They couldn 't get in the house and that ' storyline ' was abandoned . Then a dark shadow scared them . Oh , I thought , somewhat foolishly , here we go , here 's the action . But no . It was a mouse . A boring mouse that looked at them and went away again . And that , dear readers , was the end . I can 't work out where the drama is in that . I can 't work out where there is consideration of plot . Of a beginning , a middle and an end . Of conflict and resolution . Of character development . I refuse to accept the answer that " there doesn 't need to be any " . Of course there does . You wouldn 't try and teach a child to read by making them read the dictionary . The reason to learn to read is to be able to experience other worlds , to jump into stories and enjoy them . And of course , to be able to learn things from non - fiction books , to read newspapers , to read road signs , to communicate . I understand that when writing for a reading scheme you are supposed to use a certain batch of words . What I am less sure on is why ? Why not just read stories ; any stories . The common words , by their very nature , will appear more often and will be picked up quicker due to their repetition . There will be tricky words , but then again , I 'm in my late 30s and still have to occasionally ask what a word means . There are hundreds of stories out there that are good stories . With all the Roald Dahls , Julia Donaldsons , Enid Blytons , A A Milnes , Roger Hargreaves ' out there , why oh why oh why do we need this rubbish ? I have a set of these at home gifted from a neighbour who is also a teacher . Of all the books my girls have these Chip and Biff stories are NEVER selected by them when it 's bedtime story time . What do you think ? Why do teachers use these ' schemes ' ? Do you use them at home ? What are the advantages of this kind of book ? I presume there must be some , otherwise someone , somewhere , is making money out of a con . But it strikes me that there are particular types of exercise class devotee that you don 't necessarily want to be stood next too in class ! So I thought I 'd outline all the exercise class types I find at my local Zumba class and leave you to decide which you are , which you think I am , and which you 'd rather avoid ! The Exercise Class Bully There are some people who , whether they know it or not , take up TOO MUCH ROOM . They are generally tall and strong . Often very toned , but not slight . They come to class regularly to the extent that they know every single move ; but they don 't express any joy in taking part . Determined is their only expression . Even in a Zumba class , which is supposed to be a laugh , they are stuck in the fierce , ' pound it out ' , aerobics class frame of mind . They are not light on their feet , so it hurts . . These ladies are slight , petite and annoyingly trendy . They look like mums , but the sort of mum who is at the gym daily , can run around the garden with her boys playing football and still look good . They appear cool and calm , and their cut off trousers don 't make them look shorter or fatter ( like they do me ) , but rather trendy and youthful . Once they start exercising they don 't let loose and relax , but neither do they pound out the steps . They seem to do it daintily . The steps are technically right , but it doesn 't look like they 'd ever break a sweat doing them . It 's mechanical . Dancers would refer to it as ' marking ' . The Tryer These are often older , maybe mid 50s , though not exclusively . They are not natural movers and can 't quite keep up . You often find yourself nose to nose with them when you turn around and they don 't . You need to keep an eye out for them to ensure you don 't tread on them . This is the one that turns up erratically , but picks up the moves quickly and so just has a laugh . If she goes wrong she just laughs and catches up at the next count of 8 . She throws herself into the moves and has a tendency to use up far too much room , but will keep an eye on the space around her and try not to get in the way . * * * Most exercise classes have something in common . They will only work if you relax , stop worrying about what you may or may not look like and throw yourself into it . Remember Phoebe in the US show ' Friends ' ? Remember how she used to run like a child and just ' let go ' ? Remember dancing in nightclubs as an 18 year old ? How much energy did you throw into those moves ? Remember that and recreate it . It 's your time . Enjoy it . Then you really will find yourself losing weight . I fell to sleep at 7 . 30pm on the sofa on Wednesday night . That 's right ! 7 . 30 ! Boy , am I a wuss ! And yes I expect lots of sympathetic comments and virtual biscuits sent over . ( pretty please - bottom lip comes out ) The advantage of feeling rubbish for the last 24 hours has been plenty of time to think . Oh no ! Think ? That 's not good is it ? My parents always tell me I over - think everything . Over analyse it all . Feel like I need to have mapped out all the possibilities , internally debated all the arguments , considered all the outcomes , before doing ANYTHING . They are right . I 've been thinking about my next blog post and I 've been stuck . This is partly because I found out today that I didn 't make the finalist list in The Mad Blog Awards 2012 . As a result I went straight into ' over - analyse ' mode . I sat and spent far too much time , in an already weakened state , reading the ' finalists ' blogs . The idea being that I should be able to pick up some tips to help improve this humble blog and therefore provide you lovely readers with some really great stuff . I 'm sure you can see where this is going can 't you ? On a normal , healthy day that plan would be fine . I 'd have a read , enjoy the fantastic blogs that they are ( they really are , click on the Mad Blog link above and check them out - but please do come back . . . whimpers ) and use the lessons to build the joy here . What actually happened was that I got over - emotional , over - awed at these other writers , many of whom have been doing this for years , and felt completely not worthy . There were even tears . And so I sat down to write . Though this post doesn 't particularly stick to the main theme of this blog ( tips to help us be yummy , even when a mummy ) it is to remind me that we are ALL yummy in our own ways . We have our own skills , our own talents , and , maybe more importantly , our own joys . I 've been writing this blog for 3 years now ( has it really been that long ) and this will be my 165th published post . I didn 't write it to make money ( though if offered that would obviously be nice ) . I started it because I 've always wanted to be a writer . I wanted to write . I wanted to hopefully create something that someone somewhere would find useful or mildly amusing , and I will keep doing that regardless of potential awards , because it is here , with you , that I find my moments of joy . So thank you for stopping by . Please stay for biscuits . Comments and feedback are definitely welcome ( I always reply ) . Above all , stay yummy - it 's not just a looks thing ; it 's a state of mind . * The " out of the mouths of babes " link up is still open , and new posts are being added to the list every day . Feel free to pop on over for a giggle , or to add your own . Click the button below ! What causes rickets ? The main cause of Rickets is a deficiency in Vitamin D . Calcium deficiency can also be a cause . Once you realise that our main sources of Vitamin D are oily fish , eggs and natural sunlight , you immediately start to see why a deficiency may be occurring . The natural sunlight that is required to absorb enough Vitamin D isn 't much ; 10 - 15 minutes of sun exposure on hands and face a few times a week . However it 's the UVB rays that induce the vitamin D into our skin , which can 't get through if we are covered in sunscreen at all times . In the UK we use our winter stores of Vitamin D between November and April ( when the UVB rays aren 't strong enough ) ; but need to get enough Vitamin D in the summer months . Risk of rickets versus the risk of sun burn For children with fair skin , the NHS suggests allowing 10 - 15 minutes a day ( no longer ) of time in the sun without sunscreen . The more skin that is exposed the more Vitamin D will be stored and the shorter the time of exposure required . Obviously it is then important to apply sunscreen to avoid the risk of burning and many cancers . In my case I know I can burn with just 10 minutes unprotected exposure at 1pm , but at 10 . 30am or 3pm I am usually safe to go without sunscreen for short periods . Use the knowledge you have of your own skin as a starting point . And of course , if you and your child do not burn within 15 minutes in the UK sun , this may not be the case when you jet off to the Mediterranean for your holidays . The closer to the equator you get , the stronger the sun . The children will probably spend most of their Mediterranean holiday outside and in swimsuits , so it 's probably safer to avoid any unprotected time for those two weeks unless it 's perhaps later in the evening , when the sun is still out but is less strong . Dark skin ? Dark skin requires slightly longer to absorb the Vitamin D . Those of African Caribbean and South Asian descent are at greateer risk of Vitamin D deficiency . Start with small amounts of unprotected time in the sun at cooler times of the day , and build up gradually to approximately 10 - 15 minutes . Again , the more skin that is exposed , the more Vitamin D will be absorbed . The NHS also recommends that pregnant and breastfeeding woman take a Vitamin D supplement to ensure their and their babies needs are met . Pregant women and children who qualify can obtain free supplements through the Healthy Start scheme . Supplements should not exceed 25 micrograms a day . ( 40IU = 1mg ) How do you ensure a temperature doesn 't keep a child awake at a time when sleep would be the best thing to help them recover ? How do you do all this without appearing at the doctors office at the first sign of every sniffle ? Every mother I know has a stock of Calpol in the cupboard . Most also have Calprofen . I know we do . But I still go through a debate with myself before I dish out a dose . Should I be reverting to medicine this quickly ? Will they build up a resistance ? Could they cope without it ? All the questions that you answer one way when you have the luxury of debating it without a weeping child burning up in your arms , but of course , when it comes to it , you dish out that dose pretty quickly . And so it then becomes a question of dosage and timing . Which to give and when to give it . It took a while for us to work out that you can give both at the same time . Calpol being for pain relief , Calprofen being an anti - inflammatory . But if you literally give them at the same time , you then have a 4 - 6 hour window where they are not allowed any more medicine . After 3 hours this can be a problem . So we tend to alternate . Calprofen with meals ( as required ) ; at 6 . 30am , 12noon and 6pm . Calpol in between at 9 . 30am if needed , 2 . 30 if needed and , in order to ensure we get our sleep at the same time they do , we gently wake them at around 10 . 30pm to give a dose . It 's this 10 . 30pm dose that saves our sanity when they are unwell . It means that we get a good batch of sleep ourselves and if we 're lucky until 6am . If we skip this dose they tend to wake at 3am ; and I don 't cope well with 3am wake - ups . It is seriously detrimental to my ability to calmly nurse them better . Particularly in the summer when , after sitting with them for half an hour you suddenly hear the birds start singing ! Last night I forgot . My daughter was running a slight temperature , and had swollen tonsils , but was generally fine and running around playing . She had some medicine at 2 . 30pm , as she became very hot fairly suddenly ; but then we forgot to do anymore as she seemed fairly well . Of course , at 3 . 30am this morning she woke up , crying , very hot and with swollen tonsils that were hurting ( I could tell by the laboured swallowing ) . A quick dose of Calprofen was required , but of course I had to sit with her for quite a while to wait for it to start it 's work enough for her to fall asleep . Whilst the Calpol and Calprofen combination works well for things like sore throats and temperatures ; ( where they are generally fine , but need help fighting something off ) I find that the old fashioned cold , with it 's runny nose and subsequent coughing , can be stopped just enough for your child to get a good nights sleep with one of these ; Karvol , Olbas Oil or Vicks VaboRub . The choice depends on symptoms . With a blocked up nose that needs clearing , Olbas oil works well . For a runny nose that needs stemming , Karvol works well . To ease the congestion and tickling at the coughing stage , Vicks Vaborub ( rubbed on their feet - yes , I know it 's weird , but it works ) is our choice . And did I get back to sleep last night ? As is typical of these kind of nights , the 5 year old then woke up having had a bad dream . I got back into bed at nearly 5am . Please note : the advice here is in no way intended as a substitute for medical advice . If an appropriate dose of medicine doesn 't bring your child 's temperature down within an hour , or indeed if they are obviously very unwell , you should seek medical advice . The advice presented here is purely for those situations where the child is generally fine , but is fighting a slight temperature and occasionally needs assistance with that . My children make me laugh every day . Every day . They see the world differently and it shows when they express themselves . From their view of public sector strikes , to their innocent mispronunciations , it can be anything from enlightening to downright embarrassing . And so , I thought it would be nice to bring together other mummy blogger 's posts sharing the words of wisdom that our children provide us with . Here it is ; the " Out of the mouths of babes " link up . Hopefully lots of my lovely fellow mummy bloggers will join up ( instructions below ) and add their links to the list below . Have fun reading them ! The aim is to do this every month . Let 's see how it goes ! 1 . Grab my button and paste it at the top or bottom of your post , to enable readers to get back to the main list . ( Please let me know if the code doesn 't work . It 's the first time I 've tried this ! ) Yummy Mummy ? Really ? is a participant in the Amazon EU Associates Programme , an affiliate advertising programme designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon . co . uk . I am a . . . .

Good Saturday morning . Isn 't it nice that the weekend is here ? I found this button of the little puppies with the umbrella and it fits perfectly . Friday was hot and humid - in the 90s . I can take the heat but not the humidity . About 8pm it started to rain , but a nice gentle rain , not the thunderstorms the weatherman predicted . Friday morning I went upstairs and shoveled ( literally ) most of the plaster and lath out of the bathroom . It is completely gutted now . Hubby didn 't go upstairs because the meds he is taking for gout is making him tired . I think that is the idea - to keep him off his feet . Anyway , after I shoveled that mess out of there I was tired too . LOL I came downstairs and took a break , then went up and tried to strip the wallpaper off the largest bedroom . Never , and I mean never , put stucco paint over wallpaper . A previous tenant did this and I am having a terrible time getting it off . It comes off an inch at a time , so it is quite time consuming . I did take an hour break and then went back up about 4pm . Hubby BBQd , so that was a big help . I didn 't go back up after I ate . I was finished for the day . I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend . It is to be cooler today according to the weatherman and I hope he is right . Even with the AC , it was hot working up there . Take care and remember to take time to stop and smell the roses . ~ Blessings , Mary ~ Well , this has been some week . Along with the problems with Brandon , there have been quite a few other set - backs . On Tuesday morning hubby woke up with gout in his big toe . This is the third time in a couple of years . I told him he should go to the doctor but of course he didn 't think that was necessary . By Wednesday afternoon , he knew it was necessary . He got a prescription and today it is less painful but very red and swollen . However , the meds will clear it up . There has been little work done in the upstairs apartment this week . Jack came on Tuesday and got some work done . All the plaster is off the walls and ceiling . The room has been cleaned out a little but the last two days neither hubby nor I have been upstairs . Between the gout and other medical problems , hubby just hasn 't been up to it . And of course I have been busy phoning people about Brandon being bullied . Brandon went for an appointment with the owner of the farm on Thursday . He talked to him and when we were on our way home , he told me it did help . The owner told him that it is his job to make sure his kids are safe and that he had worked for the Ontario government helping kids . That seemed to impress Brandon . He gave Brandon his business card and told him to call him if he wanted to talk again . So , things have settled down . Brandon is going back to school this morning of his own free will . Hubby and I will be busy working in the apartment . I am stripping walls of old wallpaper and preparing them for painting . Once all the prep work is done , it should go together fairly well . Thanks to all of you for your prayers for Brandon , your kind words , love and support . ~ Blessings , Mary ~ Posted on Wednesday night : Thanks to everyone for your prayers for Brandon . I spent most of my day on the phone and finally got fed up and called the Chief of Police . I spoke to the secretary and she had a lady officer call me back . This is the safety officer that goes to the boys ' school once a month . We have no police in our schools on a regular basis . Anyway , the constable said that there is no way the boys have to put up with this . She wants to talk to the boys and says that charges can still be laid because the boy threw Jordan into the street . There is no statue of limitations on assault and she says it definitely was assault . She is going to get back to me and get this straightened out . Thanks again for all your prayers . I am exhausted so am heading to bed early . ~ Blessings , Mary ~ Please pray for Brandon . He is having a difficult time at school again . It seems that he is being bullied by the same two boys that were bullying him and Jordan a while back . Three weeks ago two boys confronted our boys a couple of doors down from their home . My regular readers may remember that Jordan was thrown up against a parked car , Brandon was punched in the face and then Jordan was thrown into the street . Their Dad saw part of the incident and went out and confronted the boys that had attacked them . He then called the father of the boy who had thrown Jordan . The boy 's father was glad that Barry called as his son is on probation . Things got very quiet for a couple of weeks but this week it 's all started again . We have been to the principal , vice principal , superintendent of the boys ' school and the director of the Board of Education , all to no avail . Things get better for a bit and then they go back to the same old , same old . Tonight Brandon was having a meltdown , something he hasn 't had for some time . He was very upset , sad and depressed . I took him for animal therapy and he didn 't even want to see the baby fawn . He allowed me to put my arms around him and hug him and pat his back right there in the driveway . This tells me that something was seriously wrong because he is old enough that he doesn 't like demonstrations of affection in public . Brandon talked to the lady who owns the farm and told her all his troubles . She recommended that he not return to the school for the remainder of the school year - approximately two weeks . She said he is at the " edge . " Michelle and I talked about it and she is keeping him home tomorrow to see how he is doing . We don 't want to learn Brandon he can run away from his problems , but it seems that no one cares about what he is going through . We are at our wits end . After I came home , I was upset at all that has been going on . I called our police department and talked to the Desk Sargeant . He told me , " This is not our department . " He went on to say that we had to go to the principalat Good Tuesday morning , to all my friends and readers . I thought this graphic was so cute and a great way to say good day to all of you . Well , the excitement from the storm has passed . I thought for a while today that we were in for another severe storm . Toronto did get it , but it passed us by . It was HOT today . 33 . 3 degrees Celsius , which is 91 . 94 degrees Fahrenheit , but with the humidex it was 40 Celsius , which is 104 Fahrenheit . We surpassed a record that was set on the same day in 1959 . The neighbor lady and I spent a few hours stripping wallpaper in the biggest bedroom of the upstairs apartment . We quit about 3pm because it was just too warm , even with the air conditioning . Hubby wasn 't feeling good , so we had him go and pick up a couple things for us but wouldn 't let him do any work . I think part of his problem was the heat and the air quality was poor as well . I don 't need him taking a heart attack because he 's working too hard at that apartment . I told him it will get done when it gets done and he 's not killing himself to do it . I expected an argument but I got none - another sign that he wasn 't feeling well . Jack is coming tomorrow , so he will get all the mess cleaned up and we will go from there . It will all get done in it 's own time . I would like to introduce you to a blogging friend of mine . His name is Paul and he is 93 years old . He is the father of Denise at Samaritan Women . He is a great poet and tells some great stories of his younger years . Please visit him at The Poet . I love visiting his blog , reading his poems and walking with him down Memory Lane . Be sure to stop by and say hello . Please continue to pray for Denise at Shortybear 's Place . She lost her brother on Sunday and she is going through a difficult time . If you would like to send her a card , please let me know . A card shower is a lovely way to express our sincere condolences in this time of sorrow . Have a great week and remember to do a random act of kindness . Kindness brings hope where all hope has been lost . Blessings , Mary Sunday night on the news , they issued a tornado warning for our area at about 5 : 30 pm . That is unusual here . We don 't often get tornados and usually they are only small ones . Last summer a small tornado whipped through the center of town and took out a lot of old trees in a park . Hubby called me outside to look at a oddly shaped cloud . It wasn 't a funnel , but yet looked a little like one . I 've seen tornado funnels . However within about five minutes , it began to thunder and then a ferocious wind picked up and torrential rains came down . We couldn 't even see across the street . The sky was black . I came back into the house not too concerned about the storm . The next thing I know hubby came into the house and told me that a large branch off the old tree at the end of our driveway was across the road . I went out and this is what I saw . Yes , the branch was down and not far from our driveway either . It 's a good thing it fell toward the street . Otherwise , we would have had two damaged vehicles . This is the mess that was just on the other side of the van . In the top of the photo you can see the tree branch across the sidewalk . I 'm glad no one was walking there when the branch fell . The neighbor thought he was going to come out and move that tree branch . He broke a small branch off but of course he couldn 't budge it . It probably weighs 500 pounds or more . This is the area in the huge maple where the branch blew off . It was hollow and that is why it broke . As I looked up and focused my camera , I saw a little raccoon looking down at me . He is high up in the tree and can 't be seen in this photo , but I bet he was wondering where his home went . The photo above is zoomed . That is the top of my car that is in the foreground . I must say we were blessed that no one or anything was hurt or damaged . There are several trees down in the area . Yes , a little excitement in this neck of the woods . Stay safe ! ~ Blessings , Mary ~ PS . Please keep Denise at Shortybear 's Place in your prayers . Her brother passed away suddenly and she is mourning his los12 : 03 AM It 's Green Thumb Sunday , hosted by Tricia at As the Garden Grows . If you 'd like to participate , just click on the link to find out how . Deena at Can I Be Pretty in Pink is having a garden tour on June 15th . Please follow the link to join in and show us all the beautiful blooms in your garden . Deena is fighting breast cancer and is asking participants to add the button for free mammograms to their blogs . What a great cause . This week I have some new blooms to show you . Many of my perennials have bloomed and though I haven 't had time to work in the garden much this year , I will show you a few of my favorites . Above you can see my mini carnations . I 'm hoping by next week this garden has more flowers in it . It 's pretty bare right now . My neighbor gave me the flowers above about five years ago . I 'm don 't know what they are . She called them Hungarian geraniums . If anyone knows for sure , please let me know . They are pretty but each year they spread and I have to thin them . I give them away to anyone who wants them . Last year I gave some to my neighbor and this year she has them blooming in a big patch . One of my very favorites . My red Oriental poppies . I wait for this each spring . They don 't last long though and I 'm always sad to see them go . These were a gift from a little bird . It dropped the seeds in a deposit about eight or nine years ago . That was a wonderful gift . That is all the blooms I 'm going to show you this week . I 'm saving the rest for Deena 's garden tour . Please join in . It 's going to be wonderful seeing everyone 's garden beauties . In other news , the apartment is coming along . We took a break yesterday , as we were both exhausted and we needed to do other household chores . Since Sunday is a day of rest we aren 't going to work on it today either . We will begin again on Monday . This is what the bathroom looks like now . It is pretty much gutted down to the joists . This is the small second bedroom in the apartment . I phoned for a bin and they told me it would be $ 400 . I told my hubby that it would be but he didn ' tat I am a 67 year old woman and have been married for 27 years . I have a grown daughter and two wonderful grandsons . I am a writer and my stories and articles have been published in both print and online venues . I am a proud member of American Christian Fiction Writers .

< a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / works / 683242 " >< strong > I Should Have Bought You Flowers < / strong >< / a > ( 4178 words ) by < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / users / ohioinmymind " >< strong > ohioinmymind < / strong >< / a >< br / > Chapters : 1 / 1 < br / > Fandom : < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / tags / One % 20Direction % 20 ( Band ) " > One Direction ( Band ) < / a >< br / > Rating : Teen And Up Audiences < br / > Warnings : No Archive Warnings Apply < br / > Relationships : Harry Styles / Louis Tomlinson , Zayn Malik / Liam Payne < br / > Characters : Harry Styles , Louis Tomlinson , Zayn Malik , Liam Payne , Niall Horan < br / > Additional Tags : Angst , Songfic < br / > Summary : < p > Louis ' broken and Harry 's the one responsible . He should have seen this coming . He should have kept his mouth shut . He should have bought him flowers . < / p >< p > Songfic based on Bruno Mars ' When I Was Your Man . < / p > Louis ' broken and Harry 's the one responsible . He should have seen this coming . He should have kept his mouth shut . He should have bought him flowers . Songfic based on Bruno Mars ' When I Was Your Man . First and only One Direction fic , so be easy on me . Lol . This fandom has consumed my life and I was listening to Grimmy this morning and he played this song and it gave me major Larry feels , so I hope you like it ! Let me know how you like it , or hate it . Lol . Disclaimer ! I don 't own any characters or actual lyrics . Also , Harry Styles does not sing When I was Your Man ( I wish , huh ? ) but you know the drill . Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now . The space next to Harry felt empty and cold . It made him shudder , it made him cry . He didn 't want to be alone . The bed should be filled ; filled with laughter and loud moans and maybe cuddles on Sunday morning . Those are the sounds of him and Louis . Their bed , just his bed now , should have Louis in it . Our song 's on the radio but it don 't sound the same . Harry used to tease Louis , pinch his side a little and smirk at him from the driver 's seat when certain songs came on the radio . Louis was a fan of love songs , but he would never admit to it . Harry would catch him humming along to an old Mariah Carey song . You 'll Always Be My Baby , he thinks it 's called . Louis would smile at him over the console ; smirk at him like he was relaying those words back to Harry , that Harry would always be his . He didn 't pinch Louis so much then . Now sad songs play on the radio . Maybe there are happy tunes , but Harry wouldn 't know . Every song on the radio is a song that he used to or never would get to sing with Louis . When our friends talk about you , all it does it tear me down . Niall is the worst when it comes to bringing up Louis . Liam and Zayn will just sit across the couch from him and drink tea , their hands intertwined , talking nonsense to Harry , most likely because they 've no clue what to say to him . But Niall slips up . Harry will ask Niall how his day went , and Niall will get excited . There was a time when the smiles on Niall 's face would have been an instant cheer - up for Harry . That would be all it took to crawl him out of the slumps . But Niall would reenact a particularly funny prank he and Louis pulled before he catches the glares from Liam and Zayn and stops in his tracks , explaining to Harry that it was ' not that funny ' . Harry waves them off , tells them he 's okay , but when six months pass and they all realize that Louis and Harry won 't be getting back together , they stop telling stories altogether . ' Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name . Louis was a tyrant when it came to dry - cleaning . He picked up and dropped off loads at a time , punching Harry in the shoulder when he told them they didn 't have anyone to impress anymore . One Direction was over and they were free to live their lives with out the press constantly breathing down their neck . " I 'm not bumming it because you 're too lazy to pick up my things from the cToo young , too dumb to realize . Harry 's vain enough to say he 's done some growing up since he was a teenager , doing four world tours in the span of four and a half years will do that to you . Being an international pop star will do that to you . But those things didn 't age Harry , Louis did . Harry had to learn how to be an adult to be with Louis . He had to learn how to prioritize , Louis over fame , which took him longer to get than anything else . He had to learn how to have adult emotions . He had to learn how to deal with adult emotions . Louis was a lover when he was loving , but a fighter when he was mad . Harry had to teach himself restraint when he and Louis got into an argument . He had to know when to take the high road , and deal with Louis ' fragile emotions when he did the opposite . But no matter how much he 'd grown and changed and evolved into a man that Louis could love , he was still that young , stupid , crazy in love boy who didn 't know how to deal with things . I should have bought you flowers . Louis hated Valentine 's Day , or at least he said he did . He wanted Harry to show him every day how much he loved him , not just on the 14th of February . Louis would flat out refuse to go to anything on Valentine 's Day , so Harry never planned anything . Louis was a grown man , if he wanted to do something , he could speak up . He didn 't notice Louis ' face , green with envy when Liam and Zayn would gush over their night , Harry just thought they made him sick . He didn 't notice Louis take Niall 's candy and flowers he 'd gotten for his girlfriend , Samantha , and hidr them in their room , ' as a prank ' . He didn 't notice the withdrawn looks the weeks after or the tears on the couch cushion when Louis just happened to fall asleep on the sofa in front of the telly . Every Valentine 's Day . He wasn 't looking , he thought things were okay . And held your hand . Louis was big on PDA , he wanted everyone to know Harry was his , even before they got rid of management . Harry was not . Harry knew who he belonged to ; he knew Louis was his as well . He didn 't need anyone in his business or printing a picture of what was supposed to be a private time between him and the love of his life . So Harry would occupy his hands with a phone or a guitar or a cup of coffee . He didn 't want to hold Louis ' hand so a photographer looking to make some quick cash , could trade a photo of a couple of has - beens in for a couple quid . So he didn 't . Should have gave you all my hours , when I had the chance . Zayn and Harry loved singing , as did the other boys in the band , obviously , but Zayn and Harry loved it enough to continue . Just small gigs , never together , but individually . Harry would sometimes join Ed at some local bar and sing his heart out all night and then return home to Louis . Zayn took Liam wherever he went . They sang together and toured together , taking the UK by storm again . Liam knew he had a beautiful voice , but he wanted Zayn to have this by himself . Also , Liam had started working with his idol , Justin Timer - something , so he was busy with that . But they liked it ; they were each other 's support system , so it worked . Louis and Harry did not have the same luck . Louis hated for Harry to be singing again . He didn 't want him in the public eye again because he was afraid that things would go back to how they used to be . Harry tried to calm his fears by takinghim with him , like Zayn did Liam , but Louis was miserable and he missed his mum and he just wanted to go home . So Harry stayed behind as well . But not for long . Sitting at home , even with Louis , made Harry bitter . How come Zayn got to live out his old dreams and be a solo act ? How come Louis couldn 't be like Liam and support Harry , instead of holding him back ? Did Louis not trust Harry ? The questions became too much , so he tried up again , only performing in a close enough distance where he could make it home at night . ButTake you to every party , cause all you wanted to do was dance . Harry loved to have a good time . He loved to dance and sing and do whatever he could as long as music was involved . Music spoke to Harry , wasted or not . He liked to have a good time , but his good times didn 't line up with Louis ' all the time . Louis wanted to go out dancing just to get drunk . Harry didn 't agree with that . When they were younger and still a part of the biggest boy band in the world , Louis wanted to get wasted to drown his sorrows . He wanted to bury his heartache and pain that came from never being fully able to be with Harry while their every move was being scrutinized . Louis would dance at a club , no matter what the occasion , and if Harry wasn 't there , he would dance with other men . It wasn 't scandalous dancing , not in Louis ' eyes . Louis never meant any harm , but that didn 't mean other guys weren 't raking their eyes over his body , trying to touch and grope as if everyone didn 't know Louis was his . Because they didn 't , then . But now , they should . When Harry first started going on the road again , long term , he would catch pictures in the paper , cheating scandals that involved him and Louis and some stranger . Harry trusted Louis and he knew it was all bullshit ; nevertheless , he didn 't appreciate being embarrassed every Sunday morning when the photos from the weekend made their way around news columns . So he told Louis not to go . He told Louis that he was making Harry feel like a fool , and jeopordizing his career , because how could he focus on his trade when Louis was slutting it up in every gay bar in London ? Those had probably been their last words to each other before things stated to change , this time to Harry 's notice . My pride , my ego , my needs , and my selfish ways , caused a good strong man like you to walk out my life . Harry knew he was wrong , he knew . He knew Louis was being himself and that Harry had no right to take that away from him . He knew where he messed up , but he didn 't want to say he was sorry . Back then , pride had never gotten in Harry 's way . He 'd do anything as long as it leads back to Louis . There was nothing more important then , and there really isn 't now . Except there is . Harry is tired . He 's tired of causing arguments and receiving the brunt of arguments and he 's just sick of arguments in general . He was a star again . This was the second part of him living out his dreams . He deserved this . He needed this , just to say he could do it , that he did it . It was selfish , but it was done . Louis was gone and Harry was alone with an empty apartment and a dream he was starting to consider the value in . Now I 'll never , never get to clean up the mess I made . Harry had waited for Louis to cement the break - up . He 'd waited for the final blow to happen . Louis was like that . When he got a hold of you , he liked to drive the final nail into the coffin before he sat back satisfied . But not this time . Harry found himself waiting for it , wanting it to happen , so he would know how to fix it . Because he knew how to dismantle that Louis , he knew how to fix it then , even if it was just for a little while . A little while wasn 't enough time for Harry . But nothing would ever be enough . So he did it himself , before Louis could do it . He figured Louis just hadn 't found the time yet , or maybe he was still moping around , like Harry . Maybe he was thinking of a way to make Harry suffer , trying to come up with something new . So Harry pulled the trigger first . He packed up Louis stuff . He packed it up nice and tidy , nothing out of place or broken . He even labeled the boxes , so Louis wouldn 't have to sort through everything like he did . He cried during the process . Everything in the apartment had a memory to go along with it . Every scarf and hoodie and breakfast mug . The couch where they made love for the first time in this apartment . Everything . He packed it up , with Nick 's help , despite Nick 's protests . He rented a moving truck and had it delivered to Niall 's , where he knew Louis was staying . It was a dick move , he was aware . But if he could provoke Louis , maybe Louis would come out and attack , make Harry feel like shit and feel bad enough to pick up the pieces . He didn 't . Harry got a phone call in the middle of the night , it was Louis ringtone , and it was bloody painful to hear . And he made a decision . He didn 't want to be in pain . He wanted to be with Louis , but he couldn 't deal with all the hurting . And he didn 't want to hurt Louis anymore than he had to . So this would be his turn , his time to hammer the nail into the coffin of their long - time love affair . He answered the phone and said : " The truck 's due back by Tuesday . Don 't fucking call And it haunts me every time I close my eyes . The next time Liam saw Harry , he punched him right in the face , just above his right cheek . Harry lie there , and he took it . He knew it was coming . He was actually surprised it had taken so long . " You 're a real jerk , you know . How could you do that to him , Harry ? " Harry had a chance to get up , only because Zayn had put himself between him and Liam . He scrubbed at the blood on his face , probably coming from his nose . " He 's the one that left , Li . Don 't know what you expected me to do . " Liam lunged at him again , but Zayn held his grip and whispered something in his ear . Something private and intimate and so much like Harry and Louis used to do that he had to look away . When he looked back up , it was to a door slamming and Zayn standing alone in his living room . He fled to the kitchen and came back , handing Harry a bag of ice wrapped in paper towels . " Thanks , Zayn . " Zayn shook his head and took a washrag to Harry 's face , gently wiping away and excess blood he could see . " Don 't thank me , mate . I 'm still pretty mad at you , but I - I understand . " Harry laughed . " I 'm sure you do , Zayn . " Zayn jabbed at his lip a little harder than necessary . " Don 't laugh , you arsehole . I do . " They stayed quiet until Zayn finished cleaning Harry up and took the bloody dishrag to the hamper behind the stairs and sat back on the couch . They just looked at each other . " When Liam was still with Danielle , I left him . " Harry furrowed his brows , because that didn 't make sense at all . Zayn must have seen the confusion , because he cleared it up . " When Modest ! was making them date to cover us up ? You remember ? " " You and Liam were together , then ? " Zayn nodded his head and drummed his fingers on his lap . " Yeah , we were . And it sucked . I would look at them together and there were times when I thought he hated her . But there were times when I swore he loved her . " Harry grunted and twisted his face into a condoling smile for his best mate . " One day when I saw him kiss her outside her door with no paparazzi around ; no cameras , jusAlthough it hurts , I 'll be the first to say that I was wrong . It was a year and a half before Harry set eyes on Louis again . He 'd been on tour , his friends and troubles forgotten , but never Louis . Never . He 'd been home for a week , tops . He was due back in The States at the end of the month . So far he 'd spent all his time at Radio 1 with Grimmy or sneaking lunches in with Zayn before Liam got out of his meetings with Justin Timber - what 's - his - face 's execs . Zayn laughed at him and told him Liam wasn 't even mad anymore , hadn 't been for a long time , but Harry 's face wasn 't taking another hit from Liam Payne 's painfully accurate right hook . He was shopping for some of the crisps he liked at some run - down market a block from Zayn 's when he saw some couple macking and making fools of themselves in the small store . He was surveying packages when one of them bumped into him . " Sorry , " the voice muttered . " I didn 't see where I was - The voice stopped and Harry looked up , fast and searching . He knew that voice . That voice had tortured him with bad vocals in the car . The voice had shouted demands for Harry to turn off the kitchen water when he was in the tub . That voice had also shouted his name , in various positions and octaves . That voice belonged to Louis . Who used to belong to Harry . He couldn 't speak ; all he could do was look . Louis looked good , great in fact . His hair was a bit longer , but still spiked in every which way . His skin was darker , contrasting his white shirt with broad stripes . It 's a new one , because Harry could recognize any piece of Louis ' wardrobe , and that was new . As were the dark blue trousers that stopped short of his ankles . It came to his attention that he was ogling Louis in front of company . " No , " he said . " It 's no big deal . I 'm - I 'm the one that 's sorry , Lou . " All the memories came flashing back . The laughter , the crying , the love making , the pain and the pleasure . It hit Harry like a brick in the chest and it hurt . He didn 't prepare himself for this . He didn 't work himself up to seeing Louis , because itOh , I know I 'm probably much too late . It 'd taken him a few hours and a couple annoying text messages to Zayn to figure out Louis had a new boyfriend . He 'd figured as much , but he wanted to be sure . They 'd been dating for five months , the entire duration of Harry 's last stint in the road . Nick told him he 'd seen them out before , but he didn 't want to upset him , so he kept it to himself . Harry asked Liam point blank if Louis was happy . He 'd risked a trip over to his and Zayn 's apartment and asked him when Zayn left for the studio . " Yeah , Harry . He is . " Harry just nodded his head and took a swig of whatever drink Liam had put in front of him . " Please don 't fuck it up , pal . " He didn 't intend to . It was time to go back to the States again . He was taking Grimmy with him this time , they called it his vacation . He was just happy to have friend along . He wrote a song . Grimmy said it was bloody depressing , but it was appropriate . He left a copy of it on Louis door step , before leaving London for the last time , for good . He was on stage now , somewhere in Texas , a small pub with lonely strangers and thick smoke . They would appreciate this . " But I just want you to know I hope he buys you flowers

Can you believe it ? April is over ! And I completed the A to Z Challenge with this post ! And believe it or not , I found two books I read that started with the letter Z that I hadn 't reviewed yet . The other Z book I had already reviewed . One of these is more middle grade , then the other is definitely a teen read . First is Zach 's Lie by Roland Smith . It 's the first in a two book series , that concludes with Jack 's Run , about a boy whose family has to go into the witness protection program . The main character is Jack , who becomes Zach in the program . And of course as boys that age might be likely to do , he does something that gets his family in danger again . I 'm a huge fan of Roland Smith , he is probably one of the first authors I really got to meet when I started on my current quest of meeting all my favorite authors / rock stars . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : Jack Osborne 's life changes forever the night men in masks break into his house , threaten Jack and his family , and ransack their home . Jack then discovers the reason these men have come into their lives - his father has been arrested for drug trafficking . Jack , his mother , and his sister are then forced to enter Witness Security Program . Jack becomes " Zach " and moves to Elko , Nevada , a town in the middle of nowhere . There he meets Sam , the strangest school custodian he has ever encountered , and Catalin , a girl who might make Zach 's uprooting worth the trouble . But just as Zach finally begins to piece together a new life , he finds himself in danger again - and this time his actions could determine the fates of everyone he cares about . The second book I 'm talking about today is called Zombie Blondes by Brian James . I think this was one of the first YA zombie books I remember reading and really liking . I think I also posted a review somewhere and even got a thank you from the author ! I just can 't remember where . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : From the moment Hannah Sanders arrived in town , she felt there was something wrong . A lot of houses were for sale , and the town seemed infected by an unearthly quiet . And then , on Hannah 's first day of classes , she ran into a group of cheerleaders - the most popular girls in school . The odd thing was that they were nearly identical in appearance : blonde , beautiful , and deathly pale . But Hannah wants desperately to fit in - regardless of what her friend Lukas is telling her : if she doesn 't watch her back , she 's going to be blonde and popular and dead - just like all the other zombies in this town . . . . Have you read any books by Roland Smith ? Are you a fan of zombie stories ? Will you try to read this one ? And while you 're here , it 's the very last day to enter my giveaway below ! First , thanks to Netgalley and HMH Books for Young Readers for approving me to read the egalley , then of course I was able to grab an ARC at the bookstore where I work , and so I ended up reading that . I have to say I was hooked pretty quickly . And while it had some similarities to other things , it also had a lot of new things that I really liked . The main character is Lyric . She has grown up on Coney Island with her mom and dad . Three years ago though , everything changed . Strange , some terrifying , creatures came out of the sea and swarmed the beach . They took over the beach , and those living in what is now called the Zone , were left with no beach to go to . Hatred for these new creatures , called Alpha has caused many issues . Families who were able to moved away . Unfortunately Lyric 's family wasn 't able to . Which she 's okay with because she gets to be there with her best friend Bex , not only with her , but she is able to be there for her , as Bex has an abusive stepfather . Lyric 's dad is a cop . Her mother is a very new agey type of person . With a secret . One that Lyric and her father must keep their heads down and do anything they can to protect , in order to not only save their own lives as well as her mother . The book begins with a new law that makes the high school here starting the first program to try to let the Alpha children in for school . As you can guess , the hatred of the new " people " causes many problems . It starts out just like back when we first integrated blacks and whites into school together . The National Guard and other police there to make sure the new students were allowed in . But there is the Governor who is there to fight it , in fact she vows to be there every day , and protest every day , and get arrested every day to make her point . And she does as much as she can . One of the new administrators for the school is named Mr . or Agent , don 't know for sure , Doyle . He decides that he will use Lyric as a help for the Prince of the Alpha , Fathom . She will meet with him one class period every day to help hThis is going to have a 2nd books , thank goodness , because the ending leaves too much up in the air . Of course the schooling experiment with the Alphas totally reminded me of the very short lived TV series , Star - Crossed , which was about aliens being assimilated into human high schools . I really liked the tv show , was sad when it didn 't make it to another season . I thought maybe by the title it was based on the book by Josephine Angelini , which I hadn 't read , but wondered , but no , not that either . Other than how similar it was to that tv series , these were different creatures . Not aliens , but creatures that had lived below the sea for who knows how long . In fact , in one part one of the Alphas alludes to there actually being a Kraken alive deep in the ocean . A great story , one that kept me turning the pages and hating any time I had to put it down . Now to wait till 2016 for book 2 ! ! At first I only had one book I thought I could talk about , but then I went back and realized that one of the two I 'm talking about today I read before I started this blog . So I can share it . And the common theme ? Both actually have to do with saying " yes " . First is a memoir book that in a way is a chick lit type of story . It 's about a girl who was looking for her true love , and decided that for a year she would say yes to anyone who asked her out . Whether they were creepy , not her type , etc . That way she would be giving everyone a chance , and maybe she 'd meet the right person that otherwise she might not have given a chance . It was a very interesting read . Not sure that I 'm brave enough to try it to meet my Mr . Right , as I 'm pretty socially awkward and introverted , and so the thought of going out with someone alone that makes me uncomfortable is just terror - inducing . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : " Why not go out on a date with everyone who asks you ? Plenty of reasons . They might be crazy . They might be creepy . They might be something other than what you 're looking for . But then again , how would you know ? Isn 't love supposed to be blind ? Isn 't it supposed to be about who the person really is , not about what they look like ? " The Year of Yes is an account of one woman 's quest to find a man she can stand ( for longer than a couple of hours ) . Frustrated by her own pitiful taste , writer Maria Headley decided to leave her love life up to fate , going out with everyone who asked her : homeless men , taxi drivers and yes , even a couple of women . Opening her heart and mind to the possibility that her perfect match might be the person she least expected , she spent twelve months dating most of New York City . Second is a book , another memoir actually , about a man who decided to say " yes " to everything . Part of it was for romance , but another part was just to meet more people . Now they did make a movie from this , and there are some of the same things as in the book . But honestly , some of the stuff he does in the book is way more hilarious , maybe because it is so real ! I had a good laugh as I read this book . You should check it out as well . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Recently single , Danny Wallace was falling into loneliness and isolation . When a stranger on a bus advises , " Say yes more , " Wallace vows to say yes to every offer , invitation , challenge , and chance . In Yes Man , Wallace recounts his months - long commitment to complete openness with profound insight and humbling honesty . Saying yes takes Wallace into a new plane of existence : a place where money comes as easily as it goes , nodding a lot can lead to a long weekend overseas with new friends , and romance isn 't as complicated as it seems . Yes eventually leads to the biggest question of all : " Do you , Danny Wallace , take this woman . . . " Yes Man is inspiring proof that a little willingness can take anyone to the most wonderful of places . Have you read either of these ? Have you seen the movie , Yes Man with Jim Carrey ? Do you think you could try the " yes " for a year in order to do something like this ? And don 't forget , only one more day after today to enter my giveaway ! Synopsis : After a narrow escape from the city of Impervious , Fran 's heart aches for the ones she left behind . Will her brother ever connect the dots ? And , what about Pete ? Could he , along with the remaining Rebels , have survived the Council 's violent oppression ? As Fran ponders the fate of her friends , an even more disturbing revelation drops into her world - the knowledge that she , along with anyone who had lived underground remains implanted with the sinister presence of the Council . A fate rendering her powerless to save . Yet one with pure blood , untouched by the Council 's defiling , lives among them . Could he be the new lifeline of hope ? Is salvation of the city worth risking the life of this one - and - only ? Purchase book 1 : In keeping with the spirit of celebration - - for reveal day only - - all IMPERVIOUS ( Ascension Series Book 1 ) Kindle downloads will be . 99 ! This new edition of Impervious includes a Glossary of Terms and thought - provoking Discussion Questions . Link : goo . gl / plHXqc AUTHOR BIO : I 'm a book - writing , selfie - taking , latte - drinking , social media gal . I 'm living a good life on the road as a full - fledged Bedouin ( Well , except , my tent is actually a fully - equipped RV . ) Me and my partner - in - crime ( Benj ) tend to hunker down wherever the skies are clear and the temps stay in the 70 's . We call ourselves Gypsy Nerds because we aimlessly wander the U . S . with glasses perched upon our noses and faces jammed into computer screens ( for the first half the day . . . The second half of the day is typically devoted to playing because we 're also somewhat immature . ) Like most authors , the characters I create are my extended family . And like most readers , when the story ends , I get a little sad . In real life , I have two handsome , hardworking , grown - up boys who know how to make their Mama proud ! * Waves to Joey and Mike ! * The Ascension Series is my debut into the world of YA fiction . I 'm living what I love and loving what I live ! Author links : http : / / www . heatherletto . com / https : / / twitter . com / hletto2 As you might have guessed , finding books for the X reviews was one of the hardest for the whole challenge . I had about 6 to choose from and 3 were ones I had already posted reviews here on the blog , so I didn 't want to do them again . So the ones I 've chosen are the other ones I hadn 't reviewed for the blog . And they are actually companion books to two of my favorite TV series . First is The Xander Years Vol . 1 by Keith R . A . Candido . If they did a volume 2 to this , I didn 't ever get ahold of it , not from lack of trying I 'm sure . As when I started working at a bookstore , I began trying to order every last Buffy book I could . Unfortunately many were out of print , and I didn 't want to order from used at the time and pay ahead of time . I became a huge fan of the name Xander because of this show , and if I 'd ever had a son , I would have wanted to name him that . Here is the somwhat long blurb for this book from Goodreads : TONIGHT , PART 1The argument started when Cordelia saw what Xander was wearing . He had only just walked into the Bronze when Cordy started in on him . " My " God , " what is that outfit ? " " It 's called ' clothes . ' " " No , " I 'm " wearing clothes . " You " are wearing rags . Xander , do you even know what it means to accessorize ? " Shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the same time , Xander replied , " Yeah . " To accessorize . " A verb deriving from the noun " accessory . " Loosely defined as , ' Caring way more about what you 're wearing than necessary for simple human interpersonal contact . ' " Gesturing as if she were pleading with Xander to not jump off a high ledge , Cordelia said , " Xander , clothes are what define who you are to the world . They put out a message that says , ' I 'm cool ' or ' I 'm a jock ' or ' I 'm a computer geek " or in your case , ' I 'm a loser with no redeeming social value . ' " It went downhill from there , at least up to the part where they made up by necking near the restrooms . Xander returned home and fell more than sat on his bed , not even bothering to clear a space for himself - - he just collapsed onto the dirty laundry festooned on the sheets and stared at the ceiling . All in all , it had been a typical date : arguing for an hour , necking for an hour . " Not exactly how I pictured dating , he thought . Certainly not how all those fantasy dates with Buffy went in my head . " He turned toward the bedside table to stare at the photograph next to his clock radio . Willow 's mom had taken that picture of Buffy , Willow , and Xander sophomore year . Buffy 's hair was longer then - - so , if it came to that , was Xander 's . " Things were simpler then , hionship had been set . Except , of course , for the necking part . That took another twelve years to develop . The funny thing was , while Willow and Xander had gleefully formed the We Hate Cordelia Chase Fan Club - - they even held semiregular meetings - - Jesse had always had the hots for her , right up until the moment he died . And now Xander was dating her . " Well , it could be worse , he thought . At least dating CordeliThe 2nd book is from a TV series that I watched with my mom , one that we loved and are excited to hear that there may be a reboot ! I was a huge X - Files fan . Especially what they called the " monster of the week " episodes more than the mythology episodes . These books , and I had two of them , were more about the true stories behind the UFO sightings and other wild stories that made up the TV series . Here is a blurb from Goodreads : At the beginning of its fourth incredibly popular season . The X - Files Fall 1996 season premiere had the highest rating Fox Television has ever achieved for a dramatic series . The show won five 1996 Emmy awards for special effects , outstanding writing , and best guest spots , and continues to garner new fans with each episode . HarperPrism is the only official publisher of The X - Files , and this season , we present three brand - new additions to satisfy the voracious appetite of the millions of fans . The facts behind the fiction are even more disturbing than the menace and mystery depicted in The X - Files episodes . Here are the actual accounts of UFO sightings , alien encounters , government cover - ups , psychic crime solving , faith healing , spontaneous combustion , reincarnation , and hauntings from which the show 's writers draw their material for story lines . This in - depth , photo - tilled guide - - complete with interviews from the show 's cast , crew , and writers , as well as astonishing revelations from the world 's leading investigations , scientists and officials - - tells the terrifying stories behind our real life encounters with The X - Files . Were you a fan of either of these shows ? If so , did you ever read any of the books that went with them ? Or did you even know they had books to go with them ? And while you 're here , make sure you enter my giveaway below ! First is Watchers by Dean Koontz . I know that I 've already talked about one book by Dean Koontz , Strangers , but I couldn 't leave out my very favorite one of his books , one that I read over and over , and still remember so many things about . They did make a movie out of it , and it starred one of the actors I 'd had a crush on , Corey Haim . But the problem is that the characters weren 't supposed to be young , so he was definitely not the right actor . Well , that 's not the only problem , the movie really just sucked . But I still remember the dog , Einstein , a golden retriever of course since that is the kind of dog Dean Koontz owns and loves . And so much about the dog that made me sad , and happy as well . Here 's the very short blurb from Goodreads : When Travis Cornell and Nora Devon meet " Einstein " , they are touched by the dog 's intelligence . Einstein is one of two altered life forms escaped from a top - secret lab . The other - - The Outsider - - is a deadly hybrid . To protect themselves , Travis and Nora must learn to be deadly as well . Second is Wolf 's Hour by Robert McCammon . It 's another one of the books I used to read over and over . It contains as you might guess from the title , a werewolf . But it also takes place during World War II with the Nazis , and so it is a time period that I read a lot from . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : D - Day is threatened , but one man could rip the heart of the Nazis - - with his bare claws . . . . He is Michael Gallatin , master spy , lover - - and werewolf . Able to change shape with lightning speed , to kill silently or with savage , snarling fury , he proved his talents against Rommel in Africa . Now he faces his most delicate , dangerous mission : to unravel the secret Nazi plan known as Iron Fist . From a parachute jump into occupied France to the lush corruption of Berlin , from the arms of a beautiful spy to the cold embrace of a madman 's death machine , Gallatin draws ever closer to the ghastly truth about Iron Fist . But with only hours to D - Day , he is trapped in the Nazis ' web of destruction . . . . The third book is kind of a chick lit type of story , although maybe a bit deeper than some of the others that I 've shared . It 's called Why Girls Are Weird . Something I liked was that it had a companion book titled Why Moms Are Weird that was also good . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : She was just writing a story . When Anna Koval decides to creatively kill time at her library job in Austin by teaching herself HTML and posting partially fabricated stories about her life on the Internet , she hardly imagines anyone besides her friend Dale is going to read them . He 's been bugging her to start writing again since her breakup with Ian over a year ago . And so what if the " Anna K " persona in Anna 's online journal has a fabulous boyfriend named Ian ? It 's not like the real Ian will ever find out about it . The story started writing itself . Almost instantly Anna K starts getting e - mail from adoring fans that read her daily postings religiously . One devotee , Tess , seems intent on becoming Anna K 's real - life best friend and another , a male admirer who goes by the name of " Ldobler , " sounds like he 'd want to date Anna K if she didn 't already have a boyfriend . Meanwhile , the real Anna can 't help but wonder if her newfound fans like her or the alter ego she 's created . It 's only a matter of time before fact and fiction collide and force Anna to decide not only who she wants to be with , but who she wants to be . Have you read any of these books ? Do any sound good to you ? Will you add any to your TBR list ? And while you 're here , don 't forget to enter my giveaway below ! First , thanks to Edelweiss and Balzer and Bray / HarperTeen for allowing me to read an egalley of this book . I actually have an ARC of the book before , Cruel Beauty , and for some reason I hadn 't gotten around to reading it yet . But after reading this one , I 'm really looking forward to getting it out and reading it as soon as I can . This is another fairy tale retelling , although it is a combination of two according to the author , one that I haven 't read . The two she lists are Red Riding Hood and The Girl With No Hands , which the second one I haven 't actually read , although I 've heard of it more lately , so I should probably find the original tale and read it . The main character is Rachelle . The Red Riding Hood part is that she apprentices for her aunt , and when she goes to visit her she is stopped by what is called a forestborn . She thinks that she has to give into him in order to save her aunt or her family , but instead it doesn 't work . Once you are marked by a forestborn you must kill within three days or you will die . She gets back to her aunt 's place to see that she has already been almost killed by the forestborn , and so she chooses to put her aunt out of her misery , and that in turn saves her own life . But she must leave now , as a bloodbound she is a threat , and most people will kill her , especially once they know she killed her own aunt . She leaves and is taken into the army that serves the King , they are all bloodbound , but their job is to search out and kill the monsters , and the other bloodbound that refuse to serve the king and keep the people safe . Rachelle hates this . All she can do is try to make up for the horrible thing she 's done . And she feels working for the king will do this . Or is the closest thing to it that she can do . She works with her captain , Erec , who also seems to want her more than just as one of his soldiers . But she doesn 't want to be just another girl on his long list . And then comes Armand . Armand is an illegitimate son of the King . He claims to have been attacked by the forestborn , been marked , but refused to kill anyone . And so they took his arms , but somehow he survived . Because of this the people think he is a saint , that he was able to escape death . And the King seems to want him around , possibly as the future heir to the throne . Somehow Rachelle ends up having to guard him . When she learns of a a sword that might be able to end the Devourer , the evil master of all forestborn , she decides to go ahead and try to find it and kill him . Unfortunately it seems the King and Erec , are set on having her guard Armand . Fortunately , she soon learns Armand may have some knowledge that will help her find the sword . And it may even be at the pRachelle must fight her disbelief of Armand 's story , along with the feelings that are growing the more time she spends with him . And then there is Erec , always there trying to wile his way into her life as more than a friend . In the end she will have to decide who she can really trust , and it may not be who she thinks . I loved the mythology of the story , and I grew to really like the characters . I don 't feel there was insta - love , so that is a bonus for some I know . The love developed more likely , even though there is a point when they feel it may have just to do with the danger of the situation . And it is such a neat setting and a neat way to wrap up the story . A great fairy tale , or two , retelling once again . Posted by BOOK & AUTHOR INFO : The Gatherers by Ashley Ehlers ( Harvesting # 0 . 5 ) Publication date : April 25th 2015 Genres : Horror , Young AdultSynopsis : Ashley and Jason weren 't the only ones to have an encounter with The Harvesters that day . . . . Coleen hasn 't been the happiest with her father remarrying , especially to the mother that gave birth to her enemy , Virginia . Bleach blonde bimbo as Coleen thought the moment they started high school . But since they 've graduated , their parents married for a year now , Coleen has seen a whole new side of Virginia and the girls have gotten closer than ever . However the parents don 't see it , as the girls put up a front , so they plan a getaway to the family 's cabin before the girls go off to college . Being away from the city is exactly what the girls wanted . Virginia even has something special planned for Coleen on this holiday and being out in the woods is the perfect setting for it . Though things get put on hold when their family dog Trudy runs away and Coleen 's step mother insists she goes out and find her . So as Coleen walks into the woods she gets a chilling sign from her step mother , Tori , which starts a domino effect of bloody unforgettable events . AUTHOR BIO : Newly married Ashley Ehlers now resides in San Diego with her husband who is currently stationed there . There in their cozy two bedroom apartment she finds the peace she 's been looking for . As they settle into the new chapters of their lives Ashley 's Muses are growing stronger than ever as inspiration is around every corner in her latest adventure . Author links : http : / / www . paranormalsisters . blogspot . ca / https : / / twitter . com / AEhlersWriteshttps : / / www . goodreads . com / author / show / 6604539 . Ashley _ Ehlers I must admit I was surprised that I didn 't have more books that started with V . But most of the ones I 've read actually have been since I 've started reviewing . And some I 'd kind of already mentioned with other books by the same author . A couple I thought about talking about were ones that I feel are already popular and so didn 't really need any extra help from me . So I picked two adult science fiction titles to share today . First is Vanished by T . J . MacGregor . I 'm guessing I picked the book up because it compared the author to Dean Koontz , who I have mentioned many times before as one of my favorite authors . I gave it 4 of 5 starts on Goodreads , and here is the blurb from Goodreads : Hundreds of birds lined his maple trees . In his eighteen years as a country veterinarian , Max Thorn had never seen anything like them . They were watching , waiting until Max 's wife , Ellen , left on her morning run . At the edge of their property , she turned to wave and began to fade before his eyes . One minute she was there , the next she had vanished , leaving no trace but a circle of dead foliage and birds . Presumed guilty of Ellen 's murder , Max finds himself on the run , desperate to prove his innocence . But as he soon discovers , his wife 's chilling disappearance is not an isolated incident . Across the nation , other strange vanishings have been reported , other mentions of the mysterious birds and scorched earth , and it 's clear that nothing will ever be the same again . Now , it will take a man , a woman , and a child to discover the chilling truth , before all hope vanishes . Second I chose a book by a more well known author , Greg Bear , and that book is Vitals . I enjoyed Darwin 's Radio by the author , and this title was probably one I got as a stripped cover at the bookstore where I work . It has to do with living forever and the scientific search to find a way to do that . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Hal Cousins is one of a handful of scientists nearing the most sought after discovery in human history : the key to short - circuiting the aging process . Fueled by a wealth of research , an overdose of self - confidence , and the money of influential patrons to whom he makes outrageous promises , Hal experiments with organisms living in the hot thermal plumes in the ocean depths . But as he journeys beneath the sea , his other world is falling apart . Across the country , scientists are being inexplicably murdered - including Hal 's identical twin brother , who is also working to unlock the key to immortality . Hal himself barely eludes a cold - blooded attack at sea , and when he returns home to Seattle , he finds himself walking into an eerie realm where voices speak to him from the dead . . . where a once - brilliant historian turned crackpot is leading him on a deadly game of hide - and - seek . . . and where the beautiful , rich widow of his twin is more than willing to pick up the pieces of Hal 's life - and take him places he 's never been before . Suddenly Hal is trapped inside an ever - twisting maze of shocking revelations . For he is not the first person to come close to ending aging forever - and those who came before him will stop at nothing to keep the secret to themselves . Now every person on earth is at risk of being made an unsuspecting player in one man 's spectacular and horrifying master plan . From the bottom of Russia 's Lake Baikal to a billionaire 's bionic house built into the cliffs of the Washington seashore , from the darkest days of World War II and the reign of Josef Stalin to the capitalist free - for - all that is the United States , Vitals tells an astounding tale of the most unimaginable scientific secret of all - exposed by the quest for immortality itself . . . Have you read either of these books ? Or either of these authors ? Are you a science fiction fan ? And don 't forget to enter my giveaway below ! My two book choices today couldn 't be farther apart in what type of story they are . The first is a YA Science Fiction / Dystopian story , a series that I LOVE ! The second is a classic realistic fiction story about an inner city school and what a teacher who works there deals with while trying to do her best to educate according to her ideals . First is Uglies by Scott Westerfeld . I love , love , love this series . The first book was what sounded like an idea world . You go through your adolescence dealing with all the things everyone does now , awkwardness , acne , growing into your features , etc . But then at a certain age everyone has surgery and becomes what is called a Pretty , which is the second book in the series . It 's kind of the way kids feel about when they finally become an adult , how all those problems are supposed to magically disappear , like having surgery . Of course there is more to the story than just a surgery to fix your looks , as you 'll find as you read it ! Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : Everybody gets to be supermodel gorgeous . What could be wrong with that ? Tally is about to turn sixteen , and she can 't wait . Not for her license - for turning pretty . In Tally 's world , your sixteenth birthday brings an operation that turns you from a repellent ugly into a stunningly attractive pretty and catapults you into a high - tech paradise where your only job is to have a really great time . In just a few weeks Tally will be there . But Tally 's new friend Shay isn 't sure she wants to be pretty . She 'd rather risk life on the outside . When Shay runs away , Tally learns about a whole new side of the pretty world and it isn 't very pretty . The authorities offer Tally the worst choice she can imagine : find her friend and turn her in , or never turn pretty at all . The choice Tally makes changes her world forever . . . My second book is a classic called Up the Down Staircase . I don 't remember how I got ahold of this one , but it was an eye opener for me as someone who wanted to be a teacher . I grew up going to a private school until 8th grade , then I went to a suburban school for high school . So the way the students were in this book were not at all like I was used to as a student myself . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Bel Kaufman 's Up the Down Staircase is one of the best - loved novels of our time . It has been translated into sixteen languages , made into a prize - winning motion picture , and staged as a play at high schools all over the United States ; its very title has become part of the American idiom . Never before has a novel so compellingly laid bare the inner workings of a metropolitan high school . Up the Down Staircase is the funny and touching story of a committed , idealistic teacher whose dash with school bureaucracy is a timeless lesson for students , teachers , parents - - anyone concerned about public education . Bel Kaufman lets her characters speak for themselves through memos , letters , directives from the principal , comments by students , notes between teachers , and papers from desk drawers and wastebaskets , evoking a vivid picture of teachers fighting the good fight against all that stands in the way of good teaching . So , have you read either of these books ? If not , do you think you might want to now ? And while you 're here , don 't forget to enter my contest below ! First , thanks to Random House Books for Young Readers and Edelweiss for allowing me to read an e - galley of this title . Obviously the cover is pretty creepy looking . This is a great horror story , much better than I was expecting , which I know is horrible to say , but I 'd never heard of the author , so wasn 't sure . I was definitely pleasantly surprised . I could totally see this as a movie , in fact I 'd be very excited to go see it . If you know someone who can get it turned into a movie , get it to them ! The main character is Marin . Her mother committed suicide about a year or so ago , and right at that time she started seeing colors and shapes inside of people . She soon figured out she was seeing their pain . No one believed her though , even after she went and saw many therapists and even regular medical doctors . Her father moved the two of them to live with his mother . She 's got one friend , Lucy . She thought maybe she 'd have another , when one of the really popular girls invited her over shortly after she started the new school . Instead that visit ended up in Marin being locked in the closet by the girl , Cassie , and screaming and yelling to be let out until Cassie 's older brother Dominic heard her and let her out . All the different pain colors that Marin sees are so bright sometimes that she has to wear sunglasses , or in chapel she tries to read a book , until one of the nuns takes it away . It is while they are in this mass that all of a sudden Cassie stands up and starts yelling that the communion wafer is hurting her and screaming and having almost a seizure . And as she goes down the aisle she stops right in front of Marin 's row and points at Marin and says something about " It 's You ! " Then she does fall on the floor and have a major seizure . Everyone is freaked out of course , including Marin , who gets sent home early because of being traumatized . When Marin decides to go see her friend Lucy , who has been calling and texting constantly , she is waylaid along the way when Dominic shows up . He says that Cassie has been asking for Marin , and he 's hoping that maybe if she sees her , it will help her feel better or at least calm her down . For some reason having Marin around helps Cassie , when it 's not sending her into major fits . There seems to be something inside Cassie though . Marin sees a black shadow inside her , something she 's never seen before . And this black thing moves around , and hides at times . Soon Dominic and Marin will begin to think that Cassie is possessed by a demon . And Dominic will feel it is up to him to try to save his sister . He and Marin will grow close in their trials with this . In the end there will be evidence to where the demon came from , and Marin and Dominic will even ask the priest from their school to help with an exorcism . A great story . All the normal things you expect with possessions , and even a lot of the tings for exorcisms . I really liked it . I really mean that I could see it as a horror movie . It definitely reads perfectly like many that I 've seen . If you like stories of exorcisms and demon possession , this is a good one ! Posted by Again the letter T has a lot of titles , so I narrowed it down to 3 . One of them is from the Buffyverse but each one in the series is by different authors , so I can 't list that for sure in the title of this post . And the other is the first book I read by an author that I think deserves more attention for her amazing teen novels . First is Total Constant Order by Crissa - Jean Chappell . Ms . Chappell is an author that I feel deserves so much more attention . Her books all have a great theme to them . Some kind of hard hitting subject that you may not often see in stories , or at least they are not done as well as this author does . This book I think was one of my first e - galleys , and I loved it . I also got to meet the author the first year I went to BEA . Fin can 't stop counting . She 's always heard a voice inside her head , ordering her to listen , but ever since she 's moved to the Sunshine State and her parents split up , numbers thump like a metronome , rhythmically keeping things in control . When a new doctor introduces terms such as " clinical depression " and " OCD " and offers a prescription for medication , the chemical effects make Fin feel even more messed up . Until she meets Thayer , a doodling , rule - bending skater who buzzes to his own beat - and who might just understand Fin 's hunger to belong , and her struggle for total constant order . Crissa - Jean Chappell 's candid and vividly told debut novel shares the story of a young teen 's experience with obsessive compulsive disorder and her remarkable resolve to find her own inner strength . The second book is kind of a series . If you watched the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series you know that there have been slayers all throughout history . And we also know that there are those in training up until the current chosen one dies , and then one of them is called into service . This fascinating side series goes into the stories about the other slayers . There are some great authors that wrote the different books in this series , included Nancy Holder , Christopher Golden , Yvonne Navarro , Mel Odom , just to name a few . Here is the blurb for the first one from Goodreads : A collection of original short stories based on the hit TV series created by Joss WhedonInto every generation , a Slayer is born . One girl in all the world , to find the vampires where they gather , and to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers . In our time , that girl is Buffy Summers . But Buffy is merely one Slayer in an eternal continuum of warriors for the Powers That Be . We 've known of others ; The Primal Slayer , who stalked the earth and the forces of darkness in fierce solitude . . . Nikki , the funky hipster whose demise at Spike 's hands lent an urban edge to his wardrobe and a bigger bounce to his swagger . Slayers by nature have a limited life expectancy ; for each one who falls , another rises to take her place . Tales of the Slayer , Vol . 1 , chronicles Slayers past who have influenced - - and are influenced by - - the traditions and mythologies of yore . From ancient Greece , to aristocratic Slayers holding court in revolution - era France , to the legend of the Bloody Countess Elizabeth Bathory , to 1920 's Munich , each girl has a personal history , a shared moral code , and a commitment to conquer evil , regardless of the cost . . . The last book I want to talk about today is the first in another series , it is called Through Violet Eyes by Stephen Woodworth . One that I don 't feel got the attention it should have either . It was a science fiction type of story , about people who can communicate with the dead . People born with violet colored eyes . But their lives are not as easy , even though they have jobs just lined up for them . Because now they have a serial killer after them . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : In a world where the dead can testify against the living , someone is getting away with murder . Because to every generation are born a select few souls with violet - colored eyes , and the ability to channel the dead . Both rare and precious - and rigidly controlled by a society that craves their services - these Violets perform a number of different duties . The most fortunate increase the world 's cultural heritage by channeling the still - creative spirits of famous dead artists and musicians . The least fortunate aid the police and the law courts , catching criminals by interviewing the deceased victims of violent crime . But now the Violets themselves have become the target of a brutal serial murderer - a murderer who had learned how to mask his or her identity even from the victims . Can the FBI , aided by a Violet so scared of death that she is afraid to live , uncover the criminal in time ? Or must more of her race be dispatched to the realm that has haunted them all since childhood ? Have you heard of either of my authors I 've talked about here that I feel need more attention ? Have you read their books ? How about the extra stories for the Buffyverse ? Do you think those sound like fun ? First , thanks to HarperTeen and Edelweiss for allowing me to read an e - galley of this title . I was happy to get this early since I got to read the first one , The Taking , as an e - galley as well . If you haven 't read the first one , this will definitely have some spoilers . The last one left you hanging and waiting to know what would happen next ! We pick up shortly after the end of the first book . When we left off , her new boyfriend , Tyler , her father , and the horrible Agent Truman had all disappeared when the fireflies and bright lights went away . Kyra had to go live in the camps with the other " Returned " as they called themselves because she 'd learned that her blood really was toxic to her friends and family . That is part of why she 'd tried to get the aliens to take Tyler in the first place , so that they could save him . But now she 's waiting with them for any sign about where Tyler and her father went . Normally people are returned in about 48 hours . Kyra was different , being gone for five years . And as we 've learned , she even has some differences from the others . Like she can heal much quicker . However it seems there is no word from either her dad or Tyler . But soon there is something out there , a cryptic message that seems to maybe be from her dad . And then a message from the NSA about an unknown boy who has shown up . So Kyra decides she has to go to where they are supposed to have found the boy . Even if it is a trap , she has to know . She feels it was her fault he got taken in the first place . Along the way they will stay at some other camps , ones where there is history between the leaders of the camps , between Simon , the camp she first was at , Thom , from the latest camp , and even one more , Griffin . They will run into their nemesis on their search . Griffin , not a guy , a beautiful girl actually . And there will be some strange things going on when they find out if Kyra 's dad or Tyler made it . It seems maybe there is now not only the " Returned " , but people like Kyra who are more what they call " Replaced " . You 'll have to read the book yourself to find out out what that means , and if Tyler and Kyra will be reunited . And will you want them to be ? Simon seems to have feelings for Kyra , whether she wants him to or not . And he will make her think about whether the strength of her connection to Tyler is real , or if it is just based on her guilty feeling for expoI did get to meet the author last year shortly after I read the book , here is the picture of me with her ! Since there were soooooo many books that started with the letter S , it was really hard to narrow it down to just two to review today . So I 'm going to do three that are ones that I just couldn 't give up on as I tried to decide . The first is one of my all time favorite Dean Koontz books . The next one is one of the books I read as a teen over and over . And the last one is a sequel to Gone with the Wind , one of my favorite all time books ever since high school . First is Strangers by Dean Koontz . I read this book over and over , even at over 700 pages , I could read through it in a day or two because of what a good read it was . It is a UFO type of story . There are bits that make you think of the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind , but all in all it is just one of Koontz 's great earlier stories . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : A surgeon , a writer , a motel - keeper , a priest and a thief ; they have nothing in common - nothing but one hot summer night at the Tranquillity Motel : a night filled with unending terror ; a night when an awesome power stripped them of their memories . Now the evil is creeping back into their minds . Slowly , tauntingly , maddeningly , they are recalling the unspeakable events of that fateful moonlit evening . And as the vision of evil grows clearer , the guests of the Tranquillity Motel seek each other out . Some of them will not live to face the power head on . But some will - in a terror - packed climax unlike anything ever experienced before . . . Second is A Summer to Die by Lois Lowry . It 's one of her sad teen stories that she wrote so many of . It 's not at all a dystopian story like The Giver . This is about a girl who gets leukemia and how her family deals with it . I don 't know if I can put my finger on all the little things that have influenced my life from this book , but there are many . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Meg isn 't thrilled when she gets stuck sharing a bedroom with her older sister Molly . The two of them couldn 't be more different , and it 's hard for Meg to hide her resentment of Molly 's beauty and easy popularity . But now that the family has moved to a small house in the country , Meg has a lot to accept . Just as the sisters begin to adjust to their new home , Meg feels that Molly is starting up again by being a real nuisance . But Molly 's constant grouchiness , changing appearance , and other complaints are not just part of a new mood . And the day Molly is rushed to the hospital , Meg has to accept that there is something terribly wrong with her sister . That 's the day Meg 's world changes forever . Is it too late for Meg to show what she really feels ? The last book I want to talk about today is Scarlett by Alexandra Ripley . When this book came out I devoured it . Shortly after the book was out , they made a mini - series for tv of it . And while it was okay , it skipped some of the parts I loved about the book . But isn 't that how it always is ? This book picks up after Rhett left Scarlett . It includes her taking a trip to Ireland to be with her father 's side of the family . She finds out that Rhett seems to be done with her when she went back to try to get him back . Her mother 's family demands she has nothing to do with her father 's family , it all leads to her trip to Ireland , along with a new romance , one that soon turns into a murder , that Scarlett will be blamed for . Here is the pretty nondescript blurb from Goodreads : The timeless tale continues . . . The most popular and beloved American historical novel ever written , Margaret Mitchell 's Gone With the Wind is unparalleled in its portrayal of men and women at once larger than life but as real as ourselves . Now bestselling writer Alexandra Ripley brings us back to Tara and reintroduces us to the characters we remember so well : Rhett , Ashley , Mammy , Suellen , Aunt Pittypat , and , of course , Scarlett . As the classic story , first told over half a century ago , moves forward , the greatest love affair in all fiction is reignited ; amidst heartbreak and joy , the endless , consuming passion between Scarlett O ' Hara and Rhett Butler reaches its startling culmination . Rich with surprises at every turn and new emotional , breathtaking adventures , Scarlett satisfies our longing to reenter the world of Gone With the Wind , and like its predecessor , Scarlett will find an eternal place in our hearts . Talking about all three of these has made me want to read them again ! So tell me , are you a Dean Koontz reader ? If so , have you read this one ? Did you read Lois Lowry as a teen ? And have you read this sequel to Gone With the Wind ? Top Ten Tuesday is sponsored by The Broke and The Bookish . Now , I try not to do too many extra posts when I 'm doing the A to Z Challenge , but this is a topic I couldn 't pass up . I love to talk about my favorite authors ! As well as promote some that I think need some love . The top this week is a hard one , how can I only pick 10 ? The instructions for today say that you could narrow it down to maybe just one genre , or make a list of 20 if you had to . I 'm going to do my best to stay at 10 , so just know that there will definitely be authors left off that are really , really awesome . These authors I 'm going to share are ones that I either will pretty much auto - buy their books , or ones that not only have I loved one of their books , but they are really awesome to meet or talk to on social media . This is so hard ! ! ! 1 . Stephen King This past year I got to be in the same room at the same time as Stephen King . Didn 't get to meet him personally , but still this was pretty exciting . For the most part I love all of his books . I 'm not that into his Dark Tower series , I read all the ones up before he took that little break , and now I just need to read the others . I 'm just not sure if I 'll be able to remember enough to get back into them without going back and re - reading the others , and I know that I 'm not going to do that . 2 . Dean Koontz I would do almost anything to get to meet him . His love of dogs , and how he writes about them just makes him one of my favorite authors . While I 'm a few books behind in his Odd Thomas series , and there was a recent book of his that was almost too " dense " for me , I still will pretty much buy and read all his books at some point . Well , I take that back . I don 't know that I 'll read his Frankenstein series . I have almost all of his books . There was a time when his books were auto - buy for me . In doing this blog post I just saw that he has a new book coming out that they say is more like the way his book Swan Song was , which is one of my favorite books ! So just added that on Goodreads ! Cara , and I call her Cara because we 've met and hung out in person , like you see in this picture , was one of the first authors who I read their book from Netgalley . I read it , you see it in the picture there , Spellbound , loved it , and immediately found her on social media . We tweeted back and forth , etc . Then when I went to visit my sister in NYC for the first time , I kind of hinted asking if she might be willing to meet up some where so that I could meet her and get an autograph . And you know what ? She did ! We met over close to Bryant Park by the library where Carrie almost gets married in the Sex and the City movie . We went and had a drink at a little bar by the ice skating rink and talked and hung out for a long time ! I will always be pushing her books , as I love the characters in them . They are totally people that I want to hang out with , they make me laugh when I read their conversations , and the stories are really unique as well . Plus I love all the NYC stuff she throws in , especially now that I 've visited and can picture those places in my mind . ( Please go buy her books if you haven 't read them yet ! ! ) So yeah , I 've met her like 5 times . And , one of the times , the first year I got to go to BEA , a publishing company found one of my pictures , the last one you see in above , and wanted to put it in a biography about her . I love her books . Again , it is the wonderful characters that I fall in love with . I feel like I used to get to talk more to her on social media as well . There was a point when a very small side character in The Raven Boys might have shared my last name . But alas , that character got cut . I think she recognizes me now whenever I go see her . But I feel like maybe she thinks I 'm stalking her ? Guess I might need to cut back on going to events to see her . But I do need all of my books to be autographed if I get the chance , right ? Sorry Maggie , I 'm not trying to be a creepy stalker ! I promise ! 6 . Heather Brewer

Can you believe it ? April is over ! And I completed the A to Z Challenge with this post ! And believe it or not , I found two books I read that started with the letter Z that I hadn 't reviewed yet . The other Z book I had already reviewed . One of these is more middle grade , then the other is definitely a teen read . First is Zach 's Lie by Roland Smith . It 's the first in a two book series , that concludes with Jack 's Run , about a boy whose family has to go into the witness protection program . The main character is Jack , who becomes Zach in the program . And of course as boys that age might be likely to do , he does something that gets his family in danger again . I 'm a huge fan of Roland Smith , he is probably one of the first authors I really got to meet when I started on my current quest of meeting all my favorite authors / rock stars . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : Jack Osborne 's life changes forever the night men in masks break into his house , threaten Jack and his family , and ransack their home . Jack then discovers the reason these men have come into their lives - his father has been arrested for drug trafficking . Jack , his mother , and his sister are then forced to enter Witness Security Program . Jack becomes " Zach " and moves to Elko , Nevada , a town in the middle of nowhere . There he meets Sam , the strangest school custodian he has ever encountered , and Catalin , a girl who might make Zach 's uprooting worth the trouble . But just as Zach finally begins to piece together a new life , he finds himself in danger again - and this time his actions could determine the fates of everyone he cares about . The second book I 'm talking about today is called Zombie Blondes by Brian James . I think this was one of the first YA zombie books I remember reading and really liking . I think I also posted a review somewhere and even got a thank you from the author ! I just can 't remember where . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : From the moment Hannah Sanders arrived in town , she felt there was something wrong . A lot of houses were for sale , and the town seemed infected by an unearthly quiet . And then , on Hannah 's first day of classes , she ran into a group of cheerleaders - the most popular girls in school . The odd thing was that they were nearly identical in appearance : blonde , beautiful , and deathly pale . But Hannah wants desperately to fit in - regardless of what her friend Lukas is telling her : if she doesn 't watch her back , she 's going to be blonde and popular and dead - just like all the other zombies in this town . . . . Have you read any books by Roland Smith ? Are you a fan of zombie stories ? Will you try to read this one ? And while you 're here , it 's the very last day to enter my giveaway below ! First , thanks to Netgalley and HMH Books for Young Readers for approving me to read the egalley , then of course I was able to grab an ARC at the bookstore where I work , and so I ended up reading that . I have to say I was hooked pretty quickly . And while it had some similarities to other things , it also had a lot of new things that I really liked . The main character is Lyric . She has grown up on Coney Island with her mom and dad . Three years ago though , everything changed . Strange , some terrifying , creatures came out of the sea and swarmed the beach . They took over the beach , and those living in what is now called the Zone , were left with no beach to go to . Hatred for these new creatures , called Alpha has caused many issues . Families who were able to moved away . Unfortunately Lyric 's family wasn 't able to . Which she 's okay with because she gets to be there with her best friend Bex , not only with her , but she is able to be there for her , as Bex has an abusive stepfather . Lyric 's dad is a cop . Her mother is a very new agey type of person . With a secret . One that Lyric and her father must keep their heads down and do anything they can to protect , in order to not only save their own lives as well as her mother . The book begins with a new law that makes the high school here starting the first program to try to let the Alpha children in for school . As you can guess , the hatred of the new " people " causes many problems . It starts out just like back when we first integrated blacks and whites into school together . The National Guard and other police there to make sure the new students were allowed in . But there is the Governor who is there to fight it , in fact she vows to be there every day , and protest every day , and get arrested every day to make her point . And she does as much as she can . One of the new administrators for the school is named Mr . or Agent , don 't know for sure , Doyle . He decides that he will use Lyric as a help for the Prince of the Alpha , Fathom . She will meet with him one class period every day to help hThis is going to have a 2nd books , thank goodness , because the ending leaves too much up in the air . Of course the schooling experiment with the Alphas totally reminded me of the very short lived TV series , Star - Crossed , which was about aliens being assimilated into human high schools . I really liked the tv show , was sad when it didn 't make it to another season . I thought maybe by the title it was based on the book by Josephine Angelini , which I hadn 't read , but wondered , but no , not that either . Other than how similar it was to that tv series , these were different creatures . Not aliens , but creatures that had lived below the sea for who knows how long . In fact , in one part one of the Alphas alludes to there actually being a Kraken alive deep in the ocean . A great story , one that kept me turning the pages and hating any time I had to put it down . Now to wait till 2016 for book 2 ! ! At first I only had one book I thought I could talk about , but then I went back and realized that one of the two I 'm talking about today I read before I started this blog . So I can share it . And the common theme ? Both actually have to do with saying " yes " . First is a memoir book that in a way is a chick lit type of story . It 's about a girl who was looking for her true love , and decided that for a year she would say yes to anyone who asked her out . Whether they were creepy , not her type , etc . That way she would be giving everyone a chance , and maybe she 'd meet the right person that otherwise she might not have given a chance . It was a very interesting read . Not sure that I 'm brave enough to try it to meet my Mr . Right , as I 'm pretty socially awkward and introverted , and so the thought of going out with someone alone that makes me uncomfortable is just terror - inducing . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : " Why not go out on a date with everyone who asks you ? Plenty of reasons . They might be crazy . They might be creepy . They might be something other than what you 're looking for . But then again , how would you know ? Isn 't love supposed to be blind ? Isn 't it supposed to be about who the person really is , not about what they look like ? " The Year of Yes is an account of one woman 's quest to find a man she can stand ( for longer than a couple of hours ) . Frustrated by her own pitiful taste , writer Maria Headley decided to leave her love life up to fate , going out with everyone who asked her : homeless men , taxi drivers and yes , even a couple of women . Opening her heart and mind to the possibility that her perfect match might be the person she least expected , she spent twelve months dating most of New York City . Second is a book , another memoir actually , about a man who decided to say " yes " to everything . Part of it was for romance , but another part was just to meet more people . Now they did make a movie from this , and there are some of the same things as in the book . But honestly , some of the stuff he does in the book is way more hilarious , maybe because it is so real ! I had a good laugh as I read this book . You should check it out as well . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Recently single , Danny Wallace was falling into loneliness and isolation . When a stranger on a bus advises , " Say yes more , " Wallace vows to say yes to every offer , invitation , challenge , and chance . In Yes Man , Wallace recounts his months - long commitment to complete openness with profound insight and humbling honesty . Saying yes takes Wallace into a new plane of existence : a place where money comes as easily as it goes , nodding a lot can lead to a long weekend overseas with new friends , and romance isn 't as complicated as it seems . Yes eventually leads to the biggest question of all : " Do you , Danny Wallace , take this woman . . . " Yes Man is inspiring proof that a little willingness can take anyone to the most wonderful of places . Have you read either of these ? Have you seen the movie , Yes Man with Jim Carrey ? Do you think you could try the " yes " for a year in order to do something like this ? And don 't forget , only one more day after today to enter my giveaway ! Synopsis : After a narrow escape from the city of Impervious , Fran 's heart aches for the ones she left behind . Will her brother ever connect the dots ? And , what about Pete ? Could he , along with the remaining Rebels , have survived the Council 's violent oppression ? As Fran ponders the fate of her friends , an even more disturbing revelation drops into her world - the knowledge that she , along with anyone who had lived underground remains implanted with the sinister presence of the Council . A fate rendering her powerless to save . Yet one with pure blood , untouched by the Council 's defiling , lives among them . Could he be the new lifeline of hope ? Is salvation of the city worth risking the life of this one - and - only ? Purchase book 1 : In keeping with the spirit of celebration - - for reveal day only - - all IMPERVIOUS ( Ascension Series Book 1 ) Kindle downloads will be . 99 ! This new edition of Impervious includes a Glossary of Terms and thought - provoking Discussion Questions . Link : goo . gl / plHXqc AUTHOR BIO : I 'm a book - writing , selfie - taking , latte - drinking , social media gal . I 'm living a good life on the road as a full - fledged Bedouin ( Well , except , my tent is actually a fully - equipped RV . ) Me and my partner - in - crime ( Benj ) tend to hunker down wherever the skies are clear and the temps stay in the 70 's . We call ourselves Gypsy Nerds because we aimlessly wander the U . S . with glasses perched upon our noses and faces jammed into computer screens ( for the first half the day . . . The second half of the day is typically devoted to playing because we 're also somewhat immature . ) Like most authors , the characters I create are my extended family . And like most readers , when the story ends , I get a little sad . In real life , I have two handsome , hardworking , grown - up boys who know how to make their Mama proud ! * Waves to Joey and Mike ! * The Ascension Series is my debut into the world of YA fiction . I 'm living what I love and loving what I live ! Author links : http : / / www . heatherletto . com / https : / / twitter . com / hletto2 As you might have guessed , finding books for the X reviews was one of the hardest for the whole challenge . I had about 6 to choose from and 3 were ones I had already posted reviews here on the blog , so I didn 't want to do them again . So the ones I 've chosen are the other ones I hadn 't reviewed for the blog . And they are actually companion books to two of my favorite TV series . First is The Xander Years Vol . 1 by Keith R . A . Candido . If they did a volume 2 to this , I didn 't ever get ahold of it , not from lack of trying I 'm sure . As when I started working at a bookstore , I began trying to order every last Buffy book I could . Unfortunately many were out of print , and I didn 't want to order from used at the time and pay ahead of time . I became a huge fan of the name Xander because of this show , and if I 'd ever had a son , I would have wanted to name him that . Here is the somwhat long blurb for this book from Goodreads : TONIGHT , PART 1The argument started when Cordelia saw what Xander was wearing . He had only just walked into the Bronze when Cordy started in on him . " My " God , " what is that outfit ? " " It 's called ' clothes . ' " " No , " I 'm " wearing clothes . " You " are wearing rags . Xander , do you even know what it means to accessorize ? " Shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the same time , Xander replied , " Yeah . " To accessorize . " A verb deriving from the noun " accessory . " Loosely defined as , ' Caring way more about what you 're wearing than necessary for simple human interpersonal contact . ' " Gesturing as if she were pleading with Xander to not jump off a high ledge , Cordelia said , " Xander , clothes are what define who you are to the world . They put out a message that says , ' I 'm cool ' or ' I 'm a jock ' or ' I 'm a computer geek " or in your case , ' I 'm a loser with no redeeming social value . ' " It went downhill from there , at least up to the part where they made up by necking near the restrooms . Xander returned home and fell more than sat on his bed , not even bothering to clear a space for himself - - he just collapsed onto the dirty laundry festooned on the sheets and stared at the ceiling . All in all , it had been a typical date : arguing for an hour , necking for an hour . " Not exactly how I pictured dating , he thought . Certainly not how all those fantasy dates with Buffy went in my head . " He turned toward the bedside table to stare at the photograph next to his clock radio . Willow 's mom had taken that picture of Buffy , Willow , and Xander sophomore year . Buffy 's hair was longer then - - so , if it came to that , was Xander 's . " Things were simpler then , hionship had been set . Except , of course , for the necking part . That took another twelve years to develop . The funny thing was , while Willow and Xander had gleefully formed the We Hate Cordelia Chase Fan Club - - they even held semiregular meetings - - Jesse had always had the hots for her , right up until the moment he died . And now Xander was dating her . " Well , it could be worse , he thought . At least dating CordeliThe 2nd book is from a TV series that I watched with my mom , one that we loved and are excited to hear that there may be a reboot ! I was a huge X - Files fan . Especially what they called the " monster of the week " episodes more than the mythology episodes . These books , and I had two of them , were more about the true stories behind the UFO sightings and other wild stories that made up the TV series . Here is a blurb from Goodreads : At the beginning of its fourth incredibly popular season . The X - Files Fall 1996 season premiere had the highest rating Fox Television has ever achieved for a dramatic series . The show won five 1996 Emmy awards for special effects , outstanding writing , and best guest spots , and continues to garner new fans with each episode . HarperPrism is the only official publisher of The X - Files , and this season , we present three brand - new additions to satisfy the voracious appetite of the millions of fans . The facts behind the fiction are even more disturbing than the menace and mystery depicted in The X - Files episodes . Here are the actual accounts of UFO sightings , alien encounters , government cover - ups , psychic crime solving , faith healing , spontaneous combustion , reincarnation , and hauntings from which the show 's writers draw their material for story lines . This in - depth , photo - tilled guide - - complete with interviews from the show 's cast , crew , and writers , as well as astonishing revelations from the world 's leading investigations , scientists and officials - - tells the terrifying stories behind our real life encounters with The X - Files . Were you a fan of either of these shows ? If so , did you ever read any of the books that went with them ? Or did you even know they had books to go with them ? And while you 're here , make sure you enter my giveaway below ! First is Watchers by Dean Koontz . I know that I 've already talked about one book by Dean Koontz , Strangers , but I couldn 't leave out my very favorite one of his books , one that I read over and over , and still remember so many things about . They did make a movie out of it , and it starred one of the actors I 'd had a crush on , Corey Haim . But the problem is that the characters weren 't supposed to be young , so he was definitely not the right actor . Well , that 's not the only problem , the movie really just sucked . But I still remember the dog , Einstein , a golden retriever of course since that is the kind of dog Dean Koontz owns and loves . And so much about the dog that made me sad , and happy as well . Here 's the very short blurb from Goodreads : When Travis Cornell and Nora Devon meet " Einstein " , they are touched by the dog 's intelligence . Einstein is one of two altered life forms escaped from a top - secret lab . The other - - The Outsider - - is a deadly hybrid . To protect themselves , Travis and Nora must learn to be deadly as well . Second is Wolf 's Hour by Robert McCammon . It 's another one of the books I used to read over and over . It contains as you might guess from the title , a werewolf . But it also takes place during World War II with the Nazis , and so it is a time period that I read a lot from . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : D - Day is threatened , but one man could rip the heart of the Nazis - - with his bare claws . . . . He is Michael Gallatin , master spy , lover - - and werewolf . Able to change shape with lightning speed , to kill silently or with savage , snarling fury , he proved his talents against Rommel in Africa . Now he faces his most delicate , dangerous mission : to unravel the secret Nazi plan known as Iron Fist . From a parachute jump into occupied France to the lush corruption of Berlin , from the arms of a beautiful spy to the cold embrace of a madman 's death machine , Gallatin draws ever closer to the ghastly truth about Iron Fist . But with only hours to D - Day , he is trapped in the Nazis ' web of destruction . . . . The third book is kind of a chick lit type of story , although maybe a bit deeper than some of the others that I 've shared . It 's called Why Girls Are Weird . Something I liked was that it had a companion book titled Why Moms Are Weird that was also good . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : She was just writing a story . When Anna Koval decides to creatively kill time at her library job in Austin by teaching herself HTML and posting partially fabricated stories about her life on the Internet , she hardly imagines anyone besides her friend Dale is going to read them . He 's been bugging her to start writing again since her breakup with Ian over a year ago . And so what if the " Anna K " persona in Anna 's online journal has a fabulous boyfriend named Ian ? It 's not like the real Ian will ever find out about it . The story started writing itself . Almost instantly Anna K starts getting e - mail from adoring fans that read her daily postings religiously . One devotee , Tess , seems intent on becoming Anna K 's real - life best friend and another , a male admirer who goes by the name of " Ldobler , " sounds like he 'd want to date Anna K if she didn 't already have a boyfriend . Meanwhile , the real Anna can 't help but wonder if her newfound fans like her or the alter ego she 's created . It 's only a matter of time before fact and fiction collide and force Anna to decide not only who she wants to be with , but who she wants to be . Have you read any of these books ? Do any sound good to you ? Will you add any to your TBR list ? And while you 're here , don 't forget to enter my giveaway below ! First , thanks to Edelweiss and Balzer and Bray / HarperTeen for allowing me to read an egalley of this book . I actually have an ARC of the book before , Cruel Beauty , and for some reason I hadn 't gotten around to reading it yet . But after reading this one , I 'm really looking forward to getting it out and reading it as soon as I can . This is another fairy tale retelling , although it is a combination of two according to the author , one that I haven 't read . The two she lists are Red Riding Hood and The Girl With No Hands , which the second one I haven 't actually read , although I 've heard of it more lately , so I should probably find the original tale and read it . The main character is Rachelle . The Red Riding Hood part is that she apprentices for her aunt , and when she goes to visit her she is stopped by what is called a forestborn . She thinks that she has to give into him in order to save her aunt or her family , but instead it doesn 't work . Once you are marked by a forestborn you must kill within three days or you will die . She gets back to her aunt 's place to see that she has already been almost killed by the forestborn , and so she chooses to put her aunt out of her misery , and that in turn saves her own life . But she must leave now , as a bloodbound she is a threat , and most people will kill her , especially once they know she killed her own aunt . She leaves and is taken into the army that serves the King , they are all bloodbound , but their job is to search out and kill the monsters , and the other bloodbound that refuse to serve the king and keep the people safe . Rachelle hates this . All she can do is try to make up for the horrible thing she 's done . And she feels working for the king will do this . Or is the closest thing to it that she can do . She works with her captain , Erec , who also seems to want her more than just as one of his soldiers . But she doesn 't want to be just another girl on his long list . And then comes Armand . Armand is an illegitimate son of the King . He claims to have been attacked by the forestborn , been marked , but refused to kill anyone . And so they took his arms , but somehow he survived . Because of this the people think he is a saint , that he was able to escape death . And the King seems to want him around , possibly as the future heir to the throne . Somehow Rachelle ends up having to guard him . When she learns of a a sword that might be able to end the Devourer , the evil master of all forestborn , she decides to go ahead and try to find it and kill him . Unfortunately it seems the King and Erec , are set on having her guard Armand . Fortunately , she soon learns Armand may have some knowledge that will help her find the sword . And it may even be at the pRachelle must fight her disbelief of Armand 's story , along with the feelings that are growing the more time she spends with him . And then there is Erec , always there trying to wile his way into her life as more than a friend . In the end she will have to decide who she can really trust , and it may not be who she thinks . I loved the mythology of the story , and I grew to really like the characters . I don 't feel there was insta - love , so that is a bonus for some I know . The love developed more likely , even though there is a point when they feel it may have just to do with the danger of the situation . And it is such a neat setting and a neat way to wrap up the story . A great fairy tale , or two , retelling once again . Posted by BOOK & AUTHOR INFO : The Gatherers by Ashley Ehlers ( Harvesting # 0 . 5 ) Publication date : April 25th 2015 Genres : Horror , Young AdultSynopsis : Ashley and Jason weren 't the only ones to have an encounter with The Harvesters that day . . . . Coleen hasn 't been the happiest with her father remarrying , especially to the mother that gave birth to her enemy , Virginia . Bleach blonde bimbo as Coleen thought the moment they started high school . But since they 've graduated , their parents married for a year now , Coleen has seen a whole new side of Virginia and the girls have gotten closer than ever . However the parents don 't see it , as the girls put up a front , so they plan a getaway to the family 's cabin before the girls go off to college . Being away from the city is exactly what the girls wanted . Virginia even has something special planned for Coleen on this holiday and being out in the woods is the perfect setting for it . Though things get put on hold when their family dog Trudy runs away and Coleen 's step mother insists she goes out and find her . So as Coleen walks into the woods she gets a chilling sign from her step mother , Tori , which starts a domino effect of bloody unforgettable events . AUTHOR BIO : Newly married Ashley Ehlers now resides in San Diego with her husband who is currently stationed there . There in their cozy two bedroom apartment she finds the peace she 's been looking for . As they settle into the new chapters of their lives Ashley 's Muses are growing stronger than ever as inspiration is around every corner in her latest adventure . Author links : http : / / www . paranormalsisters . blogspot . ca / https : / / twitter . com / AEhlersWriteshttps : / / www . goodreads . com / author / show / 6604539 . Ashley _ Ehlers I must admit I was surprised that I didn 't have more books that started with V . But most of the ones I 've read actually have been since I 've started reviewing . And some I 'd kind of already mentioned with other books by the same author . A couple I thought about talking about were ones that I feel are already popular and so didn 't really need any extra help from me . So I picked two adult science fiction titles to share today . First is Vanished by T . J . MacGregor . I 'm guessing I picked the book up because it compared the author to Dean Koontz , who I have mentioned many times before as one of my favorite authors . I gave it 4 of 5 starts on Goodreads , and here is the blurb from Goodreads : Hundreds of birds lined his maple trees . In his eighteen years as a country veterinarian , Max Thorn had never seen anything like them . They were watching , waiting until Max 's wife , Ellen , left on her morning run . At the edge of their property , she turned to wave and began to fade before his eyes . One minute she was there , the next she had vanished , leaving no trace but a circle of dead foliage and birds . Presumed guilty of Ellen 's murder , Max finds himself on the run , desperate to prove his innocence . But as he soon discovers , his wife 's chilling disappearance is not an isolated incident . Across the nation , other strange vanishings have been reported , other mentions of the mysterious birds and scorched earth , and it 's clear that nothing will ever be the same again . Now , it will take a man , a woman , and a child to discover the chilling truth , before all hope vanishes . Second I chose a book by a more well known author , Greg Bear , and that book is Vitals . I enjoyed Darwin 's Radio by the author , and this title was probably one I got as a stripped cover at the bookstore where I work . It has to do with living forever and the scientific search to find a way to do that . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Hal Cousins is one of a handful of scientists nearing the most sought after discovery in human history : the key to short - circuiting the aging process . Fueled by a wealth of research , an overdose of self - confidence , and the money of influential patrons to whom he makes outrageous promises , Hal experiments with organisms living in the hot thermal plumes in the ocean depths . But as he journeys beneath the sea , his other world is falling apart . Across the country , scientists are being inexplicably murdered - including Hal 's identical twin brother , who is also working to unlock the key to immortality . Hal himself barely eludes a cold - blooded attack at sea , and when he returns home to Seattle , he finds himself walking into an eerie realm where voices speak to him from the dead . . . where a once - brilliant historian turned crackpot is leading him on a deadly game of hide - and - seek . . . and where the beautiful , rich widow of his twin is more than willing to pick up the pieces of Hal 's life - and take him places he 's never been before . Suddenly Hal is trapped inside an ever - twisting maze of shocking revelations . For he is not the first person to come close to ending aging forever - and those who came before him will stop at nothing to keep the secret to themselves . Now every person on earth is at risk of being made an unsuspecting player in one man 's spectacular and horrifying master plan . From the bottom of Russia 's Lake Baikal to a billionaire 's bionic house built into the cliffs of the Washington seashore , from the darkest days of World War II and the reign of Josef Stalin to the capitalist free - for - all that is the United States , Vitals tells an astounding tale of the most unimaginable scientific secret of all - exposed by the quest for immortality itself . . . Have you read either of these books ? Or either of these authors ? Are you a science fiction fan ? And don 't forget to enter my giveaway below ! My two book choices today couldn 't be farther apart in what type of story they are . The first is a YA Science Fiction / Dystopian story , a series that I LOVE ! The second is a classic realistic fiction story about an inner city school and what a teacher who works there deals with while trying to do her best to educate according to her ideals . First is Uglies by Scott Westerfeld . I love , love , love this series . The first book was what sounded like an idea world . You go through your adolescence dealing with all the things everyone does now , awkwardness , acne , growing into your features , etc . But then at a certain age everyone has surgery and becomes what is called a Pretty , which is the second book in the series . It 's kind of the way kids feel about when they finally become an adult , how all those problems are supposed to magically disappear , like having surgery . Of course there is more to the story than just a surgery to fix your looks , as you 'll find as you read it ! Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : Everybody gets to be supermodel gorgeous . What could be wrong with that ? Tally is about to turn sixteen , and she can 't wait . Not for her license - for turning pretty . In Tally 's world , your sixteenth birthday brings an operation that turns you from a repellent ugly into a stunningly attractive pretty and catapults you into a high - tech paradise where your only job is to have a really great time . In just a few weeks Tally will be there . But Tally 's new friend Shay isn 't sure she wants to be pretty . She 'd rather risk life on the outside . When Shay runs away , Tally learns about a whole new side of the pretty world and it isn 't very pretty . The authorities offer Tally the worst choice she can imagine : find her friend and turn her in , or never turn pretty at all . The choice Tally makes changes her world forever . . . My second book is a classic called Up the Down Staircase . I don 't remember how I got ahold of this one , but it was an eye opener for me as someone who wanted to be a teacher . I grew up going to a private school until 8th grade , then I went to a suburban school for high school . So the way the students were in this book were not at all like I was used to as a student myself . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Bel Kaufman 's Up the Down Staircase is one of the best - loved novels of our time . It has been translated into sixteen languages , made into a prize - winning motion picture , and staged as a play at high schools all over the United States ; its very title has become part of the American idiom . Never before has a novel so compellingly laid bare the inner workings of a metropolitan high school . Up the Down Staircase is the funny and touching story of a committed , idealistic teacher whose dash with school bureaucracy is a timeless lesson for students , teachers , parents - - anyone concerned about public education . Bel Kaufman lets her characters speak for themselves through memos , letters , directives from the principal , comments by students , notes between teachers , and papers from desk drawers and wastebaskets , evoking a vivid picture of teachers fighting the good fight against all that stands in the way of good teaching . So , have you read either of these books ? If not , do you think you might want to now ? And while you 're here , don 't forget to enter my contest below ! First , thanks to Random House Books for Young Readers and Edelweiss for allowing me to read an e - galley of this title . Obviously the cover is pretty creepy looking . This is a great horror story , much better than I was expecting , which I know is horrible to say , but I 'd never heard of the author , so wasn 't sure . I was definitely pleasantly surprised . I could totally see this as a movie , in fact I 'd be very excited to go see it . If you know someone who can get it turned into a movie , get it to them ! The main character is Marin . Her mother committed suicide about a year or so ago , and right at that time she started seeing colors and shapes inside of people . She soon figured out she was seeing their pain . No one believed her though , even after she went and saw many therapists and even regular medical doctors . Her father moved the two of them to live with his mother . She 's got one friend , Lucy . She thought maybe she 'd have another , when one of the really popular girls invited her over shortly after she started the new school . Instead that visit ended up in Marin being locked in the closet by the girl , Cassie , and screaming and yelling to be let out until Cassie 's older brother Dominic heard her and let her out . All the different pain colors that Marin sees are so bright sometimes that she has to wear sunglasses , or in chapel she tries to read a book , until one of the nuns takes it away . It is while they are in this mass that all of a sudden Cassie stands up and starts yelling that the communion wafer is hurting her and screaming and having almost a seizure . And as she goes down the aisle she stops right in front of Marin 's row and points at Marin and says something about " It 's You ! " Then she does fall on the floor and have a major seizure . Everyone is freaked out of course , including Marin , who gets sent home early because of being traumatized . When Marin decides to go see her friend Lucy , who has been calling and texting constantly , she is waylaid along the way when Dominic shows up . He says that Cassie has been asking for Marin , and he 's hoping that maybe if she sees her , it will help her feel better or at least calm her down . For some reason having Marin around helps Cassie , when it 's not sending her into major fits . There seems to be something inside Cassie though . Marin sees a black shadow inside her , something she 's never seen before . And this black thing moves around , and hides at times . Soon Dominic and Marin will begin to think that Cassie is possessed by a demon . And Dominic will feel it is up to him to try to save his sister . He and Marin will grow close in their trials with this . In the end there will be evidence to where the demon came from , and Marin and Dominic will even ask the priest from their school to help with an exorcism . A great story . All the normal things you expect with possessions , and even a lot of the tings for exorcisms . I really liked it . I really mean that I could see it as a horror movie . It definitely reads perfectly like many that I 've seen . If you like stories of exorcisms and demon possession , this is a good one ! Posted by Again the letter T has a lot of titles , so I narrowed it down to 3 . One of them is from the Buffyverse but each one in the series is by different authors , so I can 't list that for sure in the title of this post . And the other is the first book I read by an author that I think deserves more attention for her amazing teen novels . First is Total Constant Order by Crissa - Jean Chappell . Ms . Chappell is an author that I feel deserves so much more attention . Her books all have a great theme to them . Some kind of hard hitting subject that you may not often see in stories , or at least they are not done as well as this author does . This book I think was one of my first e - galleys , and I loved it . I also got to meet the author the first year I went to BEA . Fin can 't stop counting . She 's always heard a voice inside her head , ordering her to listen , but ever since she 's moved to the Sunshine State and her parents split up , numbers thump like a metronome , rhythmically keeping things in control . When a new doctor introduces terms such as " clinical depression " and " OCD " and offers a prescription for medication , the chemical effects make Fin feel even more messed up . Until she meets Thayer , a doodling , rule - bending skater who buzzes to his own beat - and who might just understand Fin 's hunger to belong , and her struggle for total constant order . Crissa - Jean Chappell 's candid and vividly told debut novel shares the story of a young teen 's experience with obsessive compulsive disorder and her remarkable resolve to find her own inner strength . The second book is kind of a series . If you watched the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series you know that there have been slayers all throughout history . And we also know that there are those in training up until the current chosen one dies , and then one of them is called into service . This fascinating side series goes into the stories about the other slayers . There are some great authors that wrote the different books in this series , included Nancy Holder , Christopher Golden , Yvonne Navarro , Mel Odom , just to name a few . Here is the blurb for the first one from Goodreads : A collection of original short stories based on the hit TV series created by Joss WhedonInto every generation , a Slayer is born . One girl in all the world , to find the vampires where they gather , and to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers . In our time , that girl is Buffy Summers . But Buffy is merely one Slayer in an eternal continuum of warriors for the Powers That Be . We 've known of others ; The Primal Slayer , who stalked the earth and the forces of darkness in fierce solitude . . . Nikki , the funky hipster whose demise at Spike 's hands lent an urban edge to his wardrobe and a bigger bounce to his swagger . Slayers by nature have a limited life expectancy ; for each one who falls , another rises to take her place . Tales of the Slayer , Vol . 1 , chronicles Slayers past who have influenced - - and are influenced by - - the traditions and mythologies of yore . From ancient Greece , to aristocratic Slayers holding court in revolution - era France , to the legend of the Bloody Countess Elizabeth Bathory , to 1920 's Munich , each girl has a personal history , a shared moral code , and a commitment to conquer evil , regardless of the cost . . . The last book I want to talk about today is the first in another series , it is called Through Violet Eyes by Stephen Woodworth . One that I don 't feel got the attention it should have either . It was a science fiction type of story , about people who can communicate with the dead . People born with violet colored eyes . But their lives are not as easy , even though they have jobs just lined up for them . Because now they have a serial killer after them . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : In a world where the dead can testify against the living , someone is getting away with murder . Because to every generation are born a select few souls with violet - colored eyes , and the ability to channel the dead . Both rare and precious - and rigidly controlled by a society that craves their services - these Violets perform a number of different duties . The most fortunate increase the world 's cultural heritage by channeling the still - creative spirits of famous dead artists and musicians . The least fortunate aid the police and the law courts , catching criminals by interviewing the deceased victims of violent crime . But now the Violets themselves have become the target of a brutal serial murderer - a murderer who had learned how to mask his or her identity even from the victims . Can the FBI , aided by a Violet so scared of death that she is afraid to live , uncover the criminal in time ? Or must more of her race be dispatched to the realm that has haunted them all since childhood ? Have you heard of either of my authors I 've talked about here that I feel need more attention ? Have you read their books ? How about the extra stories for the Buffyverse ? Do you think those sound like fun ? First , thanks to HarperTeen and Edelweiss for allowing me to read an e - galley of this title . I was happy to get this early since I got to read the first one , The Taking , as an e - galley as well . If you haven 't read the first one , this will definitely have some spoilers . The last one left you hanging and waiting to know what would happen next ! We pick up shortly after the end of the first book . When we left off , her new boyfriend , Tyler , her father , and the horrible Agent Truman had all disappeared when the fireflies and bright lights went away . Kyra had to go live in the camps with the other " Returned " as they called themselves because she 'd learned that her blood really was toxic to her friends and family . That is part of why she 'd tried to get the aliens to take Tyler in the first place , so that they could save him . But now she 's waiting with them for any sign about where Tyler and her father went . Normally people are returned in about 48 hours . Kyra was different , being gone for five years . And as we 've learned , she even has some differences from the others . Like she can heal much quicker . However it seems there is no word from either her dad or Tyler . But soon there is something out there , a cryptic message that seems to maybe be from her dad . And then a message from the NSA about an unknown boy who has shown up . So Kyra decides she has to go to where they are supposed to have found the boy . Even if it is a trap , she has to know . She feels it was her fault he got taken in the first place . Along the way they will stay at some other camps , ones where there is history between the leaders of the camps , between Simon , the camp she first was at , Thom , from the latest camp , and even one more , Griffin . They will run into their nemesis on their search . Griffin , not a guy , a beautiful girl actually . And there will be some strange things going on when they find out if Kyra 's dad or Tyler made it . It seems maybe there is now not only the " Returned " , but people like Kyra who are more what they call " Replaced " . You 'll have to read the book yourself to find out out what that means , and if Tyler and Kyra will be reunited . And will you want them to be ? Simon seems to have feelings for Kyra , whether she wants him to or not . And he will make her think about whether the strength of her connection to Tyler is real , or if it is just based on her guilty feeling for expoI did get to meet the author last year shortly after I read the book , here is the picture of me with her ! Since there were soooooo many books that started with the letter S , it was really hard to narrow it down to just two to review today . So I 'm going to do three that are ones that I just couldn 't give up on as I tried to decide . The first is one of my all time favorite Dean Koontz books . The next one is one of the books I read as a teen over and over . And the last one is a sequel to Gone with the Wind , one of my favorite all time books ever since high school . First is Strangers by Dean Koontz . I read this book over and over , even at over 700 pages , I could read through it in a day or two because of what a good read it was . It is a UFO type of story . There are bits that make you think of the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind , but all in all it is just one of Koontz 's great earlier stories . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : A surgeon , a writer , a motel - keeper , a priest and a thief ; they have nothing in common - nothing but one hot summer night at the Tranquillity Motel : a night filled with unending terror ; a night when an awesome power stripped them of their memories . Now the evil is creeping back into their minds . Slowly , tauntingly , maddeningly , they are recalling the unspeakable events of that fateful moonlit evening . And as the vision of evil grows clearer , the guests of the Tranquillity Motel seek each other out . Some of them will not live to face the power head on . But some will - in a terror - packed climax unlike anything ever experienced before . . . Second is A Summer to Die by Lois Lowry . It 's one of her sad teen stories that she wrote so many of . It 's not at all a dystopian story like The Giver . This is about a girl who gets leukemia and how her family deals with it . I don 't know if I can put my finger on all the little things that have influenced my life from this book , but there are many . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Meg isn 't thrilled when she gets stuck sharing a bedroom with her older sister Molly . The two of them couldn 't be more different , and it 's hard for Meg to hide her resentment of Molly 's beauty and easy popularity . But now that the family has moved to a small house in the country , Meg has a lot to accept . Just as the sisters begin to adjust to their new home , Meg feels that Molly is starting up again by being a real nuisance . But Molly 's constant grouchiness , changing appearance , and other complaints are not just part of a new mood . And the day Molly is rushed to the hospital , Meg has to accept that there is something terribly wrong with her sister . That 's the day Meg 's world changes forever . Is it too late for Meg to show what she really feels ? The last book I want to talk about today is Scarlett by Alexandra Ripley . When this book came out I devoured it . Shortly after the book was out , they made a mini - series for tv of it . And while it was okay , it skipped some of the parts I loved about the book . But isn 't that how it always is ? This book picks up after Rhett left Scarlett . It includes her taking a trip to Ireland to be with her father 's side of the family . She finds out that Rhett seems to be done with her when she went back to try to get him back . Her mother 's family demands she has nothing to do with her father 's family , it all leads to her trip to Ireland , along with a new romance , one that soon turns into a murder , that Scarlett will be blamed for . Here is the pretty nondescript blurb from Goodreads : The timeless tale continues . . . The most popular and beloved American historical novel ever written , Margaret Mitchell 's Gone With the Wind is unparalleled in its portrayal of men and women at once larger than life but as real as ourselves . Now bestselling writer Alexandra Ripley brings us back to Tara and reintroduces us to the characters we remember so well : Rhett , Ashley , Mammy , Suellen , Aunt Pittypat , and , of course , Scarlett . As the classic story , first told over half a century ago , moves forward , the greatest love affair in all fiction is reignited ; amidst heartbreak and joy , the endless , consuming passion between Scarlett O ' Hara and Rhett Butler reaches its startling culmination . Rich with surprises at every turn and new emotional , breathtaking adventures , Scarlett satisfies our longing to reenter the world of Gone With the Wind , and like its predecessor , Scarlett will find an eternal place in our hearts . Talking about all three of these has made me want to read them again ! So tell me , are you a Dean Koontz reader ? If so , have you read this one ? Did you read Lois Lowry as a teen ? And have you read this sequel to Gone With the Wind ? Top Ten Tuesday is sponsored by The Broke and The Bookish . Now , I try not to do too many extra posts when I 'm doing the A to Z Challenge , but this is a topic I couldn 't pass up . I love to talk about my favorite authors ! As well as promote some that I think need some love . The top this week is a hard one , how can I only pick 10 ? The instructions for today say that you could narrow it down to maybe just one genre , or make a list of 20 if you had to . I 'm going to do my best to stay at 10 , so just know that there will definitely be authors left off that are really , really awesome . These authors I 'm going to share are ones that I either will pretty much auto - buy their books , or ones that not only have I loved one of their books , but they are really awesome to meet or talk to on social media . This is so hard ! ! ! 1 . Stephen King This past year I got to be in the same room at the same time as Stephen King . Didn 't get to meet him personally , but still this was pretty exciting . For the most part I love all of his books . I 'm not that into his Dark Tower series , I read all the ones up before he took that little break , and now I just need to read the others . I 'm just not sure if I 'll be able to remember enough to get back into them without going back and re - reading the others , and I know that I 'm not going to do that . 2 . Dean Koontz I would do almost anything to get to meet him . His love of dogs , and how he writes about them just makes him one of my favorite authors . While I 'm a few books behind in his Odd Thomas series , and there was a recent book of his that was almost too " dense " for me , I still will pretty much buy and read all his books at some point . Well , I take that back . I don 't know that I 'll read his Frankenstein series . I have almost all of his books . There was a time when his books were auto - buy for me . In doing this blog post I just saw that he has a new book coming out that they say is more like the way his book Swan Song was , which is one of my favorite books ! So just added that on Goodreads ! Cara , and I call her Cara because we 've met and hung out in person , like you see in this picture , was one of the first authors who I read their book from Netgalley . I read it , you see it in the picture there , Spellbound , loved it , and immediately found her on social media . We tweeted back and forth , etc . Then when I went to visit my sister in NYC for the first time , I kind of hinted asking if she might be willing to meet up some where so that I could meet her and get an autograph . And you know what ? She did ! We met over close to Bryant Park by the library where Carrie almost gets married in the Sex and the City movie . We went and had a drink at a little bar by the ice skating rink and talked and hung out for a long time ! I will always be pushing her books , as I love the characters in them . They are totally people that I want to hang out with , they make me laugh when I read their conversations , and the stories are really unique as well . Plus I love all the NYC stuff she throws in , especially now that I 've visited and can picture those places in my mind . ( Please go buy her books if you haven 't read them yet ! ! ) So yeah , I 've met her like 5 times . And , one of the times , the first year I got to go to BEA , a publishing company found one of my pictures , the last one you see in above , and wanted to put it in a biography about her . I love her books . Again , it is the wonderful characters that I fall in love with . I feel like I used to get to talk more to her on social media as well . There was a point when a very small side character in The Raven Boys might have shared my last name . But alas , that character got cut . I think she recognizes me now whenever I go see her . But I feel like maybe she thinks I 'm stalking her ? Guess I might need to cut back on going to events to see her . But I do need all of my books to be autographed if I get the chance , right ? Sorry Maggie , I 'm not trying to be a creepy stalker ! I promise ! 6 . Heather Brewer

Can you believe it ? April is over ! And I completed the A to Z Challenge with this post ! And believe it or not , I found two books I read that started with the letter Z that I hadn 't reviewed yet . The other Z book I had already reviewed . One of these is more middle grade , then the other is definitely a teen read . First is Zach 's Lie by Roland Smith . It 's the first in a two book series , that concludes with Jack 's Run , about a boy whose family has to go into the witness protection program . The main character is Jack , who becomes Zach in the program . And of course as boys that age might be likely to do , he does something that gets his family in danger again . I 'm a huge fan of Roland Smith , he is probably one of the first authors I really got to meet when I started on my current quest of meeting all my favorite authors / rock stars . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : Jack Osborne 's life changes forever the night men in masks break into his house , threaten Jack and his family , and ransack their home . Jack then discovers the reason these men have come into their lives - his father has been arrested for drug trafficking . Jack , his mother , and his sister are then forced to enter Witness Security Program . Jack becomes " Zach " and moves to Elko , Nevada , a town in the middle of nowhere . There he meets Sam , the strangest school custodian he has ever encountered , and Catalin , a girl who might make Zach 's uprooting worth the trouble . But just as Zach finally begins to piece together a new life , he finds himself in danger again - and this time his actions could determine the fates of everyone he cares about . The second book I 'm talking about today is called Zombie Blondes by Brian James . I think this was one of the first YA zombie books I remember reading and really liking . I think I also posted a review somewhere and even got a thank you from the author ! I just can 't remember where . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : From the moment Hannah Sanders arrived in town , she felt there was something wrong . A lot of houses were for sale , and the town seemed infected by an unearthly quiet . And then , on Hannah 's first day of classes , she ran into a group of cheerleaders - the most popular girls in school . The odd thing was that they were nearly identical in appearance : blonde , beautiful , and deathly pale . But Hannah wants desperately to fit in - regardless of what her friend Lukas is telling her : if she doesn 't watch her back , she 's going to be blonde and popular and dead - just like all the other zombies in this town . . . . Have you read any books by Roland Smith ? Are you a fan of zombie stories ? Will you try to read this one ? And while you 're here , it 's the very last day to enter my giveaway below ! First , thanks to Netgalley and HMH Books for Young Readers for approving me to read the egalley , then of course I was able to grab an ARC at the bookstore where I work , and so I ended up reading that . I have to say I was hooked pretty quickly . And while it had some similarities to other things , it also had a lot of new things that I really liked . The main character is Lyric . She has grown up on Coney Island with her mom and dad . Three years ago though , everything changed . Strange , some terrifying , creatures came out of the sea and swarmed the beach . They took over the beach , and those living in what is now called the Zone , were left with no beach to go to . Hatred for these new creatures , called Alpha has caused many issues . Families who were able to moved away . Unfortunately Lyric 's family wasn 't able to . Which she 's okay with because she gets to be there with her best friend Bex , not only with her , but she is able to be there for her , as Bex has an abusive stepfather . Lyric 's dad is a cop . Her mother is a very new agey type of person . With a secret . One that Lyric and her father must keep their heads down and do anything they can to protect , in order to not only save their own lives as well as her mother . The book begins with a new law that makes the high school here starting the first program to try to let the Alpha children in for school . As you can guess , the hatred of the new " people " causes many problems . It starts out just like back when we first integrated blacks and whites into school together . The National Guard and other police there to make sure the new students were allowed in . But there is the Governor who is there to fight it , in fact she vows to be there every day , and protest every day , and get arrested every day to make her point . And she does as much as she can . One of the new administrators for the school is named Mr . or Agent , don 't know for sure , Doyle . He decides that he will use Lyric as a help for the Prince of the Alpha , Fathom . She will meet with him one class period every day to help hThis is going to have a 2nd books , thank goodness , because the ending leaves too much up in the air . Of course the schooling experiment with the Alphas totally reminded me of the very short lived TV series , Star - Crossed , which was about aliens being assimilated into human high schools . I really liked the tv show , was sad when it didn 't make it to another season . I thought maybe by the title it was based on the book by Josephine Angelini , which I hadn 't read , but wondered , but no , not that either . Other than how similar it was to that tv series , these were different creatures . Not aliens , but creatures that had lived below the sea for who knows how long . In fact , in one part one of the Alphas alludes to there actually being a Kraken alive deep in the ocean . A great story , one that kept me turning the pages and hating any time I had to put it down . Now to wait till 2016 for book 2 ! ! At first I only had one book I thought I could talk about , but then I went back and realized that one of the two I 'm talking about today I read before I started this blog . So I can share it . And the common theme ? Both actually have to do with saying " yes " . First is a memoir book that in a way is a chick lit type of story . It 's about a girl who was looking for her true love , and decided that for a year she would say yes to anyone who asked her out . Whether they were creepy , not her type , etc . That way she would be giving everyone a chance , and maybe she 'd meet the right person that otherwise she might not have given a chance . It was a very interesting read . Not sure that I 'm brave enough to try it to meet my Mr . Right , as I 'm pretty socially awkward and introverted , and so the thought of going out with someone alone that makes me uncomfortable is just terror - inducing . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : " Why not go out on a date with everyone who asks you ? Plenty of reasons . They might be crazy . They might be creepy . They might be something other than what you 're looking for . But then again , how would you know ? Isn 't love supposed to be blind ? Isn 't it supposed to be about who the person really is , not about what they look like ? " The Year of Yes is an account of one woman 's quest to find a man she can stand ( for longer than a couple of hours ) . Frustrated by her own pitiful taste , writer Maria Headley decided to leave her love life up to fate , going out with everyone who asked her : homeless men , taxi drivers and yes , even a couple of women . Opening her heart and mind to the possibility that her perfect match might be the person she least expected , she spent twelve months dating most of New York City . Second is a book , another memoir actually , about a man who decided to say " yes " to everything . Part of it was for romance , but another part was just to meet more people . Now they did make a movie from this , and there are some of the same things as in the book . But honestly , some of the stuff he does in the book is way more hilarious , maybe because it is so real ! I had a good laugh as I read this book . You should check it out as well . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Recently single , Danny Wallace was falling into loneliness and isolation . When a stranger on a bus advises , " Say yes more , " Wallace vows to say yes to every offer , invitation , challenge , and chance . In Yes Man , Wallace recounts his months - long commitment to complete openness with profound insight and humbling honesty . Saying yes takes Wallace into a new plane of existence : a place where money comes as easily as it goes , nodding a lot can lead to a long weekend overseas with new friends , and romance isn 't as complicated as it seems . Yes eventually leads to the biggest question of all : " Do you , Danny Wallace , take this woman . . . " Yes Man is inspiring proof that a little willingness can take anyone to the most wonderful of places . Have you read either of these ? Have you seen the movie , Yes Man with Jim Carrey ? Do you think you could try the " yes " for a year in order to do something like this ? And don 't forget , only one more day after today to enter my giveaway ! Synopsis : After a narrow escape from the city of Impervious , Fran 's heart aches for the ones she left behind . Will her brother ever connect the dots ? And , what about Pete ? Could he , along with the remaining Rebels , have survived the Council 's violent oppression ? As Fran ponders the fate of her friends , an even more disturbing revelation drops into her world - the knowledge that she , along with anyone who had lived underground remains implanted with the sinister presence of the Council . A fate rendering her powerless to save . Yet one with pure blood , untouched by the Council 's defiling , lives among them . Could he be the new lifeline of hope ? Is salvation of the city worth risking the life of this one - and - only ? Purchase book 1 : In keeping with the spirit of celebration - - for reveal day only - - all IMPERVIOUS ( Ascension Series Book 1 ) Kindle downloads will be . 99 ! This new edition of Impervious includes a Glossary of Terms and thought - provoking Discussion Questions . Link : goo . gl / plHXqc AUTHOR BIO : I 'm a book - writing , selfie - taking , latte - drinking , social media gal . I 'm living a good life on the road as a full - fledged Bedouin ( Well , except , my tent is actually a fully - equipped RV . ) Me and my partner - in - crime ( Benj ) tend to hunker down wherever the skies are clear and the temps stay in the 70 's . We call ourselves Gypsy Nerds because we aimlessly wander the U . S . with glasses perched upon our noses and faces jammed into computer screens ( for the first half the day . . . The second half of the day is typically devoted to playing because we 're also somewhat immature . ) Like most authors , the characters I create are my extended family . And like most readers , when the story ends , I get a little sad . In real life , I have two handsome , hardworking , grown - up boys who know how to make their Mama proud ! * Waves to Joey and Mike ! * The Ascension Series is my debut into the world of YA fiction . I 'm living what I love and loving what I live ! Author links : http : / / www . heatherletto . com / https : / / twitter . com / hletto2 As you might have guessed , finding books for the X reviews was one of the hardest for the whole challenge . I had about 6 to choose from and 3 were ones I had already posted reviews here on the blog , so I didn 't want to do them again . So the ones I 've chosen are the other ones I hadn 't reviewed for the blog . And they are actually companion books to two of my favorite TV series . First is The Xander Years Vol . 1 by Keith R . A . Candido . If they did a volume 2 to this , I didn 't ever get ahold of it , not from lack of trying I 'm sure . As when I started working at a bookstore , I began trying to order every last Buffy book I could . Unfortunately many were out of print , and I didn 't want to order from used at the time and pay ahead of time . I became a huge fan of the name Xander because of this show , and if I 'd ever had a son , I would have wanted to name him that . Here is the somwhat long blurb for this book from Goodreads : TONIGHT , PART 1The argument started when Cordelia saw what Xander was wearing . He had only just walked into the Bronze when Cordy started in on him . " My " God , " what is that outfit ? " " It 's called ' clothes . ' " " No , " I 'm " wearing clothes . " You " are wearing rags . Xander , do you even know what it means to accessorize ? " Shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the same time , Xander replied , " Yeah . " To accessorize . " A verb deriving from the noun " accessory . " Loosely defined as , ' Caring way more about what you 're wearing than necessary for simple human interpersonal contact . ' " Gesturing as if she were pleading with Xander to not jump off a high ledge , Cordelia said , " Xander , clothes are what define who you are to the world . They put out a message that says , ' I 'm cool ' or ' I 'm a jock ' or ' I 'm a computer geek " or in your case , ' I 'm a loser with no redeeming social value . ' " It went downhill from there , at least up to the part where they made up by necking near the restrooms . Xander returned home and fell more than sat on his bed , not even bothering to clear a space for himself - - he just collapsed onto the dirty laundry festooned on the sheets and stared at the ceiling . All in all , it had been a typical date : arguing for an hour , necking for an hour . " Not exactly how I pictured dating , he thought . Certainly not how all those fantasy dates with Buffy went in my head . " He turned toward the bedside table to stare at the photograph next to his clock radio . Willow 's mom had taken that picture of Buffy , Willow , and Xander sophomore year . Buffy 's hair was longer then - - so , if it came to that , was Xander 's . " Things were simpler then , hionship had been set . Except , of course , for the necking part . That took another twelve years to develop . The funny thing was , while Willow and Xander had gleefully formed the We Hate Cordelia Chase Fan Club - - they even held semiregular meetings - - Jesse had always had the hots for her , right up until the moment he died . And now Xander was dating her . " Well , it could be worse , he thought . At least dating CordeliThe 2nd book is from a TV series that I watched with my mom , one that we loved and are excited to hear that there may be a reboot ! I was a huge X - Files fan . Especially what they called the " monster of the week " episodes more than the mythology episodes . These books , and I had two of them , were more about the true stories behind the UFO sightings and other wild stories that made up the TV series . Here is a blurb from Goodreads : At the beginning of its fourth incredibly popular season . The X - Files Fall 1996 season premiere had the highest rating Fox Television has ever achieved for a dramatic series . The show won five 1996 Emmy awards for special effects , outstanding writing , and best guest spots , and continues to garner new fans with each episode . HarperPrism is the only official publisher of The X - Files , and this season , we present three brand - new additions to satisfy the voracious appetite of the millions of fans . The facts behind the fiction are even more disturbing than the menace and mystery depicted in The X - Files episodes . Here are the actual accounts of UFO sightings , alien encounters , government cover - ups , psychic crime solving , faith healing , spontaneous combustion , reincarnation , and hauntings from which the show 's writers draw their material for story lines . This in - depth , photo - tilled guide - - complete with interviews from the show 's cast , crew , and writers , as well as astonishing revelations from the world 's leading investigations , scientists and officials - - tells the terrifying stories behind our real life encounters with The X - Files . Were you a fan of either of these shows ? If so , did you ever read any of the books that went with them ? Or did you even know they had books to go with them ? And while you 're here , make sure you enter my giveaway below ! First is Watchers by Dean Koontz . I know that I 've already talked about one book by Dean Koontz , Strangers , but I couldn 't leave out my very favorite one of his books , one that I read over and over , and still remember so many things about . They did make a movie out of it , and it starred one of the actors I 'd had a crush on , Corey Haim . But the problem is that the characters weren 't supposed to be young , so he was definitely not the right actor . Well , that 's not the only problem , the movie really just sucked . But I still remember the dog , Einstein , a golden retriever of course since that is the kind of dog Dean Koontz owns and loves . And so much about the dog that made me sad , and happy as well . Here 's the very short blurb from Goodreads : When Travis Cornell and Nora Devon meet " Einstein " , they are touched by the dog 's intelligence . Einstein is one of two altered life forms escaped from a top - secret lab . The other - - The Outsider - - is a deadly hybrid . To protect themselves , Travis and Nora must learn to be deadly as well . Second is Wolf 's Hour by Robert McCammon . It 's another one of the books I used to read over and over . It contains as you might guess from the title , a werewolf . But it also takes place during World War II with the Nazis , and so it is a time period that I read a lot from . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : D - Day is threatened , but one man could rip the heart of the Nazis - - with his bare claws . . . . He is Michael Gallatin , master spy , lover - - and werewolf . Able to change shape with lightning speed , to kill silently or with savage , snarling fury , he proved his talents against Rommel in Africa . Now he faces his most delicate , dangerous mission : to unravel the secret Nazi plan known as Iron Fist . From a parachute jump into occupied France to the lush corruption of Berlin , from the arms of a beautiful spy to the cold embrace of a madman 's death machine , Gallatin draws ever closer to the ghastly truth about Iron Fist . But with only hours to D - Day , he is trapped in the Nazis ' web of destruction . . . . The third book is kind of a chick lit type of story , although maybe a bit deeper than some of the others that I 've shared . It 's called Why Girls Are Weird . Something I liked was that it had a companion book titled Why Moms Are Weird that was also good . Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : She was just writing a story . When Anna Koval decides to creatively kill time at her library job in Austin by teaching herself HTML and posting partially fabricated stories about her life on the Internet , she hardly imagines anyone besides her friend Dale is going to read them . He 's been bugging her to start writing again since her breakup with Ian over a year ago . And so what if the " Anna K " persona in Anna 's online journal has a fabulous boyfriend named Ian ? It 's not like the real Ian will ever find out about it . The story started writing itself . Almost instantly Anna K starts getting e - mail from adoring fans that read her daily postings religiously . One devotee , Tess , seems intent on becoming Anna K 's real - life best friend and another , a male admirer who goes by the name of " Ldobler , " sounds like he 'd want to date Anna K if she didn 't already have a boyfriend . Meanwhile , the real Anna can 't help but wonder if her newfound fans like her or the alter ego she 's created . It 's only a matter of time before fact and fiction collide and force Anna to decide not only who she wants to be with , but who she wants to be . Have you read any of these books ? Do any sound good to you ? Will you add any to your TBR list ? And while you 're here , don 't forget to enter my giveaway below ! First , thanks to Edelweiss and Balzer and Bray / HarperTeen for allowing me to read an egalley of this book . I actually have an ARC of the book before , Cruel Beauty , and for some reason I hadn 't gotten around to reading it yet . But after reading this one , I 'm really looking forward to getting it out and reading it as soon as I can . This is another fairy tale retelling , although it is a combination of two according to the author , one that I haven 't read . The two she lists are Red Riding Hood and The Girl With No Hands , which the second one I haven 't actually read , although I 've heard of it more lately , so I should probably find the original tale and read it . The main character is Rachelle . The Red Riding Hood part is that she apprentices for her aunt , and when she goes to visit her she is stopped by what is called a forestborn . She thinks that she has to give into him in order to save her aunt or her family , but instead it doesn 't work . Once you are marked by a forestborn you must kill within three days or you will die . She gets back to her aunt 's place to see that she has already been almost killed by the forestborn , and so she chooses to put her aunt out of her misery , and that in turn saves her own life . But she must leave now , as a bloodbound she is a threat , and most people will kill her , especially once they know she killed her own aunt . She leaves and is taken into the army that serves the King , they are all bloodbound , but their job is to search out and kill the monsters , and the other bloodbound that refuse to serve the king and keep the people safe . Rachelle hates this . All she can do is try to make up for the horrible thing she 's done . And she feels working for the king will do this . Or is the closest thing to it that she can do . She works with her captain , Erec , who also seems to want her more than just as one of his soldiers . But she doesn 't want to be just another girl on his long list . And then comes Armand . Armand is an illegitimate son of the King . He claims to have been attacked by the forestborn , been marked , but refused to kill anyone . And so they took his arms , but somehow he survived . Because of this the people think he is a saint , that he was able to escape death . And the King seems to want him around , possibly as the future heir to the throne . Somehow Rachelle ends up having to guard him . When she learns of a a sword that might be able to end the Devourer , the evil master of all forestborn , she decides to go ahead and try to find it and kill him . Unfortunately it seems the King and Erec , are set on having her guard Armand . Fortunately , she soon learns Armand may have some knowledge that will help her find the sword . And it may even be at the pRachelle must fight her disbelief of Armand 's story , along with the feelings that are growing the more time she spends with him . And then there is Erec , always there trying to wile his way into her life as more than a friend . In the end she will have to decide who she can really trust , and it may not be who she thinks . I loved the mythology of the story , and I grew to really like the characters . I don 't feel there was insta - love , so that is a bonus for some I know . The love developed more likely , even though there is a point when they feel it may have just to do with the danger of the situation . And it is such a neat setting and a neat way to wrap up the story . A great fairy tale , or two , retelling once again . Posted by BOOK & AUTHOR INFO : The Gatherers by Ashley Ehlers ( Harvesting # 0 . 5 ) Publication date : April 25th 2015 Genres : Horror , Young AdultSynopsis : Ashley and Jason weren 't the only ones to have an encounter with The Harvesters that day . . . . Coleen hasn 't been the happiest with her father remarrying , especially to the mother that gave birth to her enemy , Virginia . Bleach blonde bimbo as Coleen thought the moment they started high school . But since they 've graduated , their parents married for a year now , Coleen has seen a whole new side of Virginia and the girls have gotten closer than ever . However the parents don 't see it , as the girls put up a front , so they plan a getaway to the family 's cabin before the girls go off to college . Being away from the city is exactly what the girls wanted . Virginia even has something special planned for Coleen on this holiday and being out in the woods is the perfect setting for it . Though things get put on hold when their family dog Trudy runs away and Coleen 's step mother insists she goes out and find her . So as Coleen walks into the woods she gets a chilling sign from her step mother , Tori , which starts a domino effect of bloody unforgettable events . AUTHOR BIO : Newly married Ashley Ehlers now resides in San Diego with her husband who is currently stationed there . There in their cozy two bedroom apartment she finds the peace she 's been looking for . As they settle into the new chapters of their lives Ashley 's Muses are growing stronger than ever as inspiration is around every corner in her latest adventure . Author links : http : / / www . paranormalsisters . blogspot . ca / https : / / twitter . com / AEhlersWriteshttps : / / www . goodreads . com / author / show / 6604539 . Ashley _ Ehlers I must admit I was surprised that I didn 't have more books that started with V . But most of the ones I 've read actually have been since I 've started reviewing . And some I 'd kind of already mentioned with other books by the same author . A couple I thought about talking about were ones that I feel are already popular and so didn 't really need any extra help from me . So I picked two adult science fiction titles to share today . First is Vanished by T . J . MacGregor . I 'm guessing I picked the book up because it compared the author to Dean Koontz , who I have mentioned many times before as one of my favorite authors . I gave it 4 of 5 starts on Goodreads , and here is the blurb from Goodreads : Hundreds of birds lined his maple trees . In his eighteen years as a country veterinarian , Max Thorn had never seen anything like them . They were watching , waiting until Max 's wife , Ellen , left on her morning run . At the edge of their property , she turned to wave and began to fade before his eyes . One minute she was there , the next she had vanished , leaving no trace but a circle of dead foliage and birds . Presumed guilty of Ellen 's murder , Max finds himself on the run , desperate to prove his innocence . But as he soon discovers , his wife 's chilling disappearance is not an isolated incident . Across the nation , other strange vanishings have been reported , other mentions of the mysterious birds and scorched earth , and it 's clear that nothing will ever be the same again . Now , it will take a man , a woman , and a child to discover the chilling truth , before all hope vanishes . Second I chose a book by a more well known author , Greg Bear , and that book is Vitals . I enjoyed Darwin 's Radio by the author , and this title was probably one I got as a stripped cover at the bookstore where I work . It has to do with living forever and the scientific search to find a way to do that . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Hal Cousins is one of a handful of scientists nearing the most sought after discovery in human history : the key to short - circuiting the aging process . Fueled by a wealth of research , an overdose of self - confidence , and the money of influential patrons to whom he makes outrageous promises , Hal experiments with organisms living in the hot thermal plumes in the ocean depths . But as he journeys beneath the sea , his other world is falling apart . Across the country , scientists are being inexplicably murdered - including Hal 's identical twin brother , who is also working to unlock the key to immortality . Hal himself barely eludes a cold - blooded attack at sea , and when he returns home to Seattle , he finds himself walking into an eerie realm where voices speak to him from the dead . . . where a once - brilliant historian turned crackpot is leading him on a deadly game of hide - and - seek . . . and where the beautiful , rich widow of his twin is more than willing to pick up the pieces of Hal 's life - and take him places he 's never been before . Suddenly Hal is trapped inside an ever - twisting maze of shocking revelations . For he is not the first person to come close to ending aging forever - and those who came before him will stop at nothing to keep the secret to themselves . Now every person on earth is at risk of being made an unsuspecting player in one man 's spectacular and horrifying master plan . From the bottom of Russia 's Lake Baikal to a billionaire 's bionic house built into the cliffs of the Washington seashore , from the darkest days of World War II and the reign of Josef Stalin to the capitalist free - for - all that is the United States , Vitals tells an astounding tale of the most unimaginable scientific secret of all - exposed by the quest for immortality itself . . . Have you read either of these books ? Or either of these authors ? Are you a science fiction fan ? And don 't forget to enter my giveaway below ! My two book choices today couldn 't be farther apart in what type of story they are . The first is a YA Science Fiction / Dystopian story , a series that I LOVE ! The second is a classic realistic fiction story about an inner city school and what a teacher who works there deals with while trying to do her best to educate according to her ideals . First is Uglies by Scott Westerfeld . I love , love , love this series . The first book was what sounded like an idea world . You go through your adolescence dealing with all the things everyone does now , awkwardness , acne , growing into your features , etc . But then at a certain age everyone has surgery and becomes what is called a Pretty , which is the second book in the series . It 's kind of the way kids feel about when they finally become an adult , how all those problems are supposed to magically disappear , like having surgery . Of course there is more to the story than just a surgery to fix your looks , as you 'll find as you read it ! Here 's the blurb from Goodreads : Everybody gets to be supermodel gorgeous . What could be wrong with that ? Tally is about to turn sixteen , and she can 't wait . Not for her license - for turning pretty . In Tally 's world , your sixteenth birthday brings an operation that turns you from a repellent ugly into a stunningly attractive pretty and catapults you into a high - tech paradise where your only job is to have a really great time . In just a few weeks Tally will be there . But Tally 's new friend Shay isn 't sure she wants to be pretty . She 'd rather risk life on the outside . When Shay runs away , Tally learns about a whole new side of the pretty world and it isn 't very pretty . The authorities offer Tally the worst choice she can imagine : find her friend and turn her in , or never turn pretty at all . The choice Tally makes changes her world forever . . . My second book is a classic called Up the Down Staircase . I don 't remember how I got ahold of this one , but it was an eye opener for me as someone who wanted to be a teacher . I grew up going to a private school until 8th grade , then I went to a suburban school for high school . So the way the students were in this book were not at all like I was used to as a student myself . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Bel Kaufman 's Up the Down Staircase is one of the best - loved novels of our time . It has been translated into sixteen languages , made into a prize - winning motion picture , and staged as a play at high schools all over the United States ; its very title has become part of the American idiom . Never before has a novel so compellingly laid bare the inner workings of a metropolitan high school . Up the Down Staircase is the funny and touching story of a committed , idealistic teacher whose dash with school bureaucracy is a timeless lesson for students , teachers , parents - - anyone concerned about public education . Bel Kaufman lets her characters speak for themselves through memos , letters , directives from the principal , comments by students , notes between teachers , and papers from desk drawers and wastebaskets , evoking a vivid picture of teachers fighting the good fight against all that stands in the way of good teaching . So , have you read either of these books ? If not , do you think you might want to now ? And while you 're here , don 't forget to enter my contest below ! First , thanks to Random House Books for Young Readers and Edelweiss for allowing me to read an e - galley of this title . Obviously the cover is pretty creepy looking . This is a great horror story , much better than I was expecting , which I know is horrible to say , but I 'd never heard of the author , so wasn 't sure . I was definitely pleasantly surprised . I could totally see this as a movie , in fact I 'd be very excited to go see it . If you know someone who can get it turned into a movie , get it to them ! The main character is Marin . Her mother committed suicide about a year or so ago , and right at that time she started seeing colors and shapes inside of people . She soon figured out she was seeing their pain . No one believed her though , even after she went and saw many therapists and even regular medical doctors . Her father moved the two of them to live with his mother . She 's got one friend , Lucy . She thought maybe she 'd have another , when one of the really popular girls invited her over shortly after she started the new school . Instead that visit ended up in Marin being locked in the closet by the girl , Cassie , and screaming and yelling to be let out until Cassie 's older brother Dominic heard her and let her out . All the different pain colors that Marin sees are so bright sometimes that she has to wear sunglasses , or in chapel she tries to read a book , until one of the nuns takes it away . It is while they are in this mass that all of a sudden Cassie stands up and starts yelling that the communion wafer is hurting her and screaming and having almost a seizure . And as she goes down the aisle she stops right in front of Marin 's row and points at Marin and says something about " It 's You ! " Then she does fall on the floor and have a major seizure . Everyone is freaked out of course , including Marin , who gets sent home early because of being traumatized . When Marin decides to go see her friend Lucy , who has been calling and texting constantly , she is waylaid along the way when Dominic shows up . He says that Cassie has been asking for Marin , and he 's hoping that maybe if she sees her , it will help her feel better or at least calm her down . For some reason having Marin around helps Cassie , when it 's not sending her into major fits . There seems to be something inside Cassie though . Marin sees a black shadow inside her , something she 's never seen before . And this black thing moves around , and hides at times . Soon Dominic and Marin will begin to think that Cassie is possessed by a demon . And Dominic will feel it is up to him to try to save his sister . He and Marin will grow close in their trials with this . In the end there will be evidence to where the demon came from , and Marin and Dominic will even ask the priest from their school to help with an exorcism . A great story . All the normal things you expect with possessions , and even a lot of the tings for exorcisms . I really liked it . I really mean that I could see it as a horror movie . It definitely reads perfectly like many that I 've seen . If you like stories of exorcisms and demon possession , this is a good one ! Posted by Again the letter T has a lot of titles , so I narrowed it down to 3 . One of them is from the Buffyverse but each one in the series is by different authors , so I can 't list that for sure in the title of this post . And the other is the first book I read by an author that I think deserves more attention for her amazing teen novels . First is Total Constant Order by Crissa - Jean Chappell . Ms . Chappell is an author that I feel deserves so much more attention . Her books all have a great theme to them . Some kind of hard hitting subject that you may not often see in stories , or at least they are not done as well as this author does . This book I think was one of my first e - galleys , and I loved it . I also got to meet the author the first year I went to BEA . Fin can 't stop counting . She 's always heard a voice inside her head , ordering her to listen , but ever since she 's moved to the Sunshine State and her parents split up , numbers thump like a metronome , rhythmically keeping things in control . When a new doctor introduces terms such as " clinical depression " and " OCD " and offers a prescription for medication , the chemical effects make Fin feel even more messed up . Until she meets Thayer , a doodling , rule - bending skater who buzzes to his own beat - and who might just understand Fin 's hunger to belong , and her struggle for total constant order . Crissa - Jean Chappell 's candid and vividly told debut novel shares the story of a young teen 's experience with obsessive compulsive disorder and her remarkable resolve to find her own inner strength . The second book is kind of a series . If you watched the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series you know that there have been slayers all throughout history . And we also know that there are those in training up until the current chosen one dies , and then one of them is called into service . This fascinating side series goes into the stories about the other slayers . There are some great authors that wrote the different books in this series , included Nancy Holder , Christopher Golden , Yvonne Navarro , Mel Odom , just to name a few . Here is the blurb for the first one from Goodreads : A collection of original short stories based on the hit TV series created by Joss WhedonInto every generation , a Slayer is born . One girl in all the world , to find the vampires where they gather , and to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers . In our time , that girl is Buffy Summers . But Buffy is merely one Slayer in an eternal continuum of warriors for the Powers That Be . We 've known of others ; The Primal Slayer , who stalked the earth and the forces of darkness in fierce solitude . . . Nikki , the funky hipster whose demise at Spike 's hands lent an urban edge to his wardrobe and a bigger bounce to his swagger . Slayers by nature have a limited life expectancy ; for each one who falls , another rises to take her place . Tales of the Slayer , Vol . 1 , chronicles Slayers past who have influenced - - and are influenced by - - the traditions and mythologies of yore . From ancient Greece , to aristocratic Slayers holding court in revolution - era France , to the legend of the Bloody Countess Elizabeth Bathory , to 1920 's Munich , each girl has a personal history , a shared moral code , and a commitment to conquer evil , regardless of the cost . . . The last book I want to talk about today is the first in another series , it is called Through Violet Eyes by Stephen Woodworth . One that I don 't feel got the attention it should have either . It was a science fiction type of story , about people who can communicate with the dead . People born with violet colored eyes . But their lives are not as easy , even though they have jobs just lined up for them . Because now they have a serial killer after them . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : In a world where the dead can testify against the living , someone is getting away with murder . Because to every generation are born a select few souls with violet - colored eyes , and the ability to channel the dead . Both rare and precious - and rigidly controlled by a society that craves their services - these Violets perform a number of different duties . The most fortunate increase the world 's cultural heritage by channeling the still - creative spirits of famous dead artists and musicians . The least fortunate aid the police and the law courts , catching criminals by interviewing the deceased victims of violent crime . But now the Violets themselves have become the target of a brutal serial murderer - a murderer who had learned how to mask his or her identity even from the victims . Can the FBI , aided by a Violet so scared of death that she is afraid to live , uncover the criminal in time ? Or must more of her race be dispatched to the realm that has haunted them all since childhood ? Have you heard of either of my authors I 've talked about here that I feel need more attention ? Have you read their books ? How about the extra stories for the Buffyverse ? Do you think those sound like fun ? First , thanks to HarperTeen and Edelweiss for allowing me to read an e - galley of this title . I was happy to get this early since I got to read the first one , The Taking , as an e - galley as well . If you haven 't read the first one , this will definitely have some spoilers . The last one left you hanging and waiting to know what would happen next ! We pick up shortly after the end of the first book . When we left off , her new boyfriend , Tyler , her father , and the horrible Agent Truman had all disappeared when the fireflies and bright lights went away . Kyra had to go live in the camps with the other " Returned " as they called themselves because she 'd learned that her blood really was toxic to her friends and family . That is part of why she 'd tried to get the aliens to take Tyler in the first place , so that they could save him . But now she 's waiting with them for any sign about where Tyler and her father went . Normally people are returned in about 48 hours . Kyra was different , being gone for five years . And as we 've learned , she even has some differences from the others . Like she can heal much quicker . However it seems there is no word from either her dad or Tyler . But soon there is something out there , a cryptic message that seems to maybe be from her dad . And then a message from the NSA about an unknown boy who has shown up . So Kyra decides she has to go to where they are supposed to have found the boy . Even if it is a trap , she has to know . She feels it was her fault he got taken in the first place . Along the way they will stay at some other camps , ones where there is history between the leaders of the camps , between Simon , the camp she first was at , Thom , from the latest camp , and even one more , Griffin . They will run into their nemesis on their search . Griffin , not a guy , a beautiful girl actually . And there will be some strange things going on when they find out if Kyra 's dad or Tyler made it . It seems maybe there is now not only the " Returned " , but people like Kyra who are more what they call " Replaced " . You 'll have to read the book yourself to find out out what that means , and if Tyler and Kyra will be reunited . And will you want them to be ? Simon seems to have feelings for Kyra , whether she wants him to or not . And he will make her think about whether the strength of her connection to Tyler is real , or if it is just based on her guilty feeling for expoI did get to meet the author last year shortly after I read the book , here is the picture of me with her ! Since there were soooooo many books that started with the letter S , it was really hard to narrow it down to just two to review today . So I 'm going to do three that are ones that I just couldn 't give up on as I tried to decide . The first is one of my all time favorite Dean Koontz books . The next one is one of the books I read as a teen over and over . And the last one is a sequel to Gone with the Wind , one of my favorite all time books ever since high school . First is Strangers by Dean Koontz . I read this book over and over , even at over 700 pages , I could read through it in a day or two because of what a good read it was . It is a UFO type of story . There are bits that make you think of the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind , but all in all it is just one of Koontz 's great earlier stories . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : A surgeon , a writer , a motel - keeper , a priest and a thief ; they have nothing in common - nothing but one hot summer night at the Tranquillity Motel : a night filled with unending terror ; a night when an awesome power stripped them of their memories . Now the evil is creeping back into their minds . Slowly , tauntingly , maddeningly , they are recalling the unspeakable events of that fateful moonlit evening . And as the vision of evil grows clearer , the guests of the Tranquillity Motel seek each other out . Some of them will not live to face the power head on . But some will - in a terror - packed climax unlike anything ever experienced before . . . Second is A Summer to Die by Lois Lowry . It 's one of her sad teen stories that she wrote so many of . It 's not at all a dystopian story like The Giver . This is about a girl who gets leukemia and how her family deals with it . I don 't know if I can put my finger on all the little things that have influenced my life from this book , but there are many . Here is the blurb from Goodreads : Meg isn 't thrilled when she gets stuck sharing a bedroom with her older sister Molly . The two of them couldn 't be more different , and it 's hard for Meg to hide her resentment of Molly 's beauty and easy popularity . But now that the family has moved to a small house in the country , Meg has a lot to accept . Just as the sisters begin to adjust to their new home , Meg feels that Molly is starting up again by being a real nuisance . But Molly 's constant grouchiness , changing appearance , and other complaints are not just part of a new mood . And the day Molly is rushed to the hospital , Meg has to accept that there is something terribly wrong with her sister . That 's the day Meg 's world changes forever . Is it too late for Meg to show what she really feels ? The last book I want to talk about today is Scarlett by Alexandra Ripley . When this book came out I devoured it . Shortly after the book was out , they made a mini - series for tv of it . And while it was okay , it skipped some of the parts I loved about the book . But isn 't that how it always is ? This book picks up after Rhett left Scarlett . It includes her taking a trip to Ireland to be with her father 's side of the family . She finds out that Rhett seems to be done with her when she went back to try to get him back . Her mother 's family demands she has nothing to do with her father 's family , it all leads to her trip to Ireland , along with a new romance , one that soon turns into a murder , that Scarlett will be blamed for . Here is the pretty nondescript blurb from Goodreads : The timeless tale continues . . . The most popular and beloved American historical novel ever written , Margaret Mitchell 's Gone With the Wind is unparalleled in its portrayal of men and women at once larger than life but as real as ourselves . Now bestselling writer Alexandra Ripley brings us back to Tara and reintroduces us to the characters we remember so well : Rhett , Ashley , Mammy , Suellen , Aunt Pittypat , and , of course , Scarlett . As the classic story , first told over half a century ago , moves forward , the greatest love affair in all fiction is reignited ; amidst heartbreak and joy , the endless , consuming passion between Scarlett O ' Hara and Rhett Butler reaches its startling culmination . Rich with surprises at every turn and new emotional , breathtaking adventures , Scarlett satisfies our longing to reenter the world of Gone With the Wind , and like its predecessor , Scarlett will find an eternal place in our hearts . Talking about all three of these has made me want to read them again ! So tell me , are you a Dean Koontz reader ? If so , have you read this one ? Did you read Lois Lowry as a teen ? And have you read this sequel to Gone With the Wind ? Top Ten Tuesday is sponsored by The Broke and The Bookish . Now , I try not to do too many extra posts when I 'm doing the A to Z Challenge , but this is a topic I couldn 't pass up . I love to talk about my favorite authors ! As well as promote some that I think need some love . The top this week is a hard one , how can I only pick 10 ? The instructions for today say that you could narrow it down to maybe just one genre , or make a list of 20 if you had to . I 'm going to do my best to stay at 10 , so just know that there will definitely be authors left off that are really , really awesome . These authors I 'm going to share are ones that I either will pretty much auto - buy their books , or ones that not only have I loved one of their books , but they are really awesome to meet or talk to on social media . This is so hard ! ! ! 1 . Stephen King This past year I got to be in the same room at the same time as Stephen King . Didn 't get to meet him personally , but still this was pretty exciting . For the most part I love all of his books . I 'm not that into his Dark Tower series , I read all the ones up before he took that little break , and now I just need to read the others . I 'm just not sure if I 'll be able to remember enough to get back into them without going back and re - reading the others , and I know that I 'm not going to do that . 2 . Dean Koontz I would do almost anything to get to meet him . His love of dogs , and how he writes about them just makes him one of my favorite authors . While I 'm a few books behind in his Odd Thomas series , and there was a recent book of his that was almost too " dense " for me , I still will pretty much buy and read all his books at some point . Well , I take that back . I don 't know that I 'll read his Frankenstein series . I have almost all of his books . There was a time when his books were auto - buy for me . In doing this blog post I just saw that he has a new book coming out that they say is more like the way his book Swan Song was , which is one of my favorite books ! So just added that on Goodreads ! Cara , and I call her Cara because we 've met and hung out in person , like you see in this picture , was one of the first authors who I read their book from Netgalley . I read it , you see it in the picture there , Spellbound , loved it , and immediately found her on social media . We tweeted back and forth , etc . Then when I went to visit my sister in NYC for the first time , I kind of hinted asking if she might be willing to meet up some where so that I could meet her and get an autograph . And you know what ? She did ! We met over close to Bryant Park by the library where Carrie almost gets married in the Sex and the City movie . We went and had a drink at a little bar by the ice skating rink and talked and hung out for a long time ! I will always be pushing her books , as I love the characters in them . They are totally people that I want to hang out with , they make me laugh when I read their conversations , and the stories are really unique as well . Plus I love all the NYC stuff she throws in , especially now that I 've visited and can picture those places in my mind . ( Please go buy her books if you haven 't read them yet ! ! ) So yeah , I 've met her like 5 times . And , one of the times , the first year I got to go to BEA , a publishing company found one of my pictures , the last one you see in above , and wanted to put it in a biography about her . I love her books . Again , it is the wonderful characters that I fall in love with . I feel like I used to get to talk more to her on social media as well . There was a point when a very small side character in The Raven Boys might have shared my last name . But alas , that character got cut . I think she recognizes me now whenever I go see her . But I feel like maybe she thinks I 'm stalking her ? Guess I might need to cut back on going to events to see her . But I do need all of my books to be autographed if I get the chance , right ? Sorry Maggie , I 'm not trying to be a creepy stalker ! I promise ! 6 . Heather Brewer

As I sat on my couch last night , tuned in to my first ( and probably last ) NFL draft , I couldn 't help but wax nostalgic about my years in Marsing . I started teaching there in 2000 , just out of college , twenty - one years old and greener than Al Gore . I will forever be grateful to that interview committee that thought giving me a shot at a classroom of my own was a risk worth taking . I 'm not sure I would look at someone barely legal to drink and think , " Heck yes , let 's put her in charge of thirty fourteen year olds at a time , several times a day ! " But , they did , and I had a great run in that small town middle school . ( And I 'm forever grateful that those 8th graders didn 't realize just how easy total anarchy would have been ! ) I have a rather indifferent relationship with football . I play Fantasy Football with friends from Idaho , but usually am bored with the whole thing , managing my guys as loosely as possible , by halfway through the season . My initial picks center around players with awesome names and those that play for teams with the best uniforms - meaning there has never been , nor will there ever be , a Brown on my team , Playing in Stilettos . ( Although , earlier this week , I did call eternal dibs on the defense of whichever team picked Shea up during the draft . If it had been the Browns , we 'd now be facing the crisis of the century . ) Watching Shea get drafted # 19 on Thursday was awesome ! There were high fives and cheers throughout the mo - partment . ( Having been his English teacher , I would have preferred he went to the Ravens , as then I could claim a bit of Poe - influence in his football career , but I doubt he was pondering the brilliancy of " The Raven " or " The Cask of Amontillado " as he sat , waiting for that fateful call . ) Shea is a great kid , humble and loyal and a hard - worker . He deserves the attention he is getting and the rewards that are coming for his years of dedication as a student and an athlete . I will proudly wear my McClellin jersey ( as soon as it comes out and can be delivered to China ! ) in Chengdu on game days and root him on for the length of his career . But , with Shea 's success and the sudden spotlight that has focused on our rural Idaho town , I can 't help but think of all the other great students who came out of Marsing High School over the decade that I worked in the district . There are so many students that I am proud of , whose accomplishments aren 't being splashed on the front page of newspapers or on primetime ESPN , but that are fabulous and achieving great things on their own . These awesome kids aren 't making headlines in Chicago , but they are making their families and teachers proud . There is Jose , a young man I had in my English class for three years straight . ( I had one class that I taught the year I muddled my way , painfully , through sixth graders , and then I moved with them to both seventh and eighth grade . I was their sole middle school English teacher - for better or for worse ! ) Jose went from a middle schooler who relied solely on his charismatic personality to get ahead in life to a fabulous young man who has worked hard to reach his dreams . ( Although , I am sure he still plasters on that charming smile when he needs to get his way ! ) He is headed to St . Francis College in New York this fall to play basketball and finish his college degree . Or how about Tyson , who was accepted into medical school last year ? He worked his way through NNU 's undergraduate program with the support of his wonderful wife ( also a former student ) and two beautiful daughters and is now focused on this next phase of his education . He will be a fabulous and caring doctor - an asset to whichever community is lucky enough to have him . And don 't forget Nicole , the artist - extraordinaire who is chasing her dreams near Seattle , Washington . Her creativity and design abilities always blew me out of the water and now she is putting those skills into action as she explores a variety of genres in the world of art and design , including a great blog about photography . ( Check it out here . ) The thing is , this list could go on and on as I tell you about how proud I am of Mayra and Ethan and Taryn and Jessica and Sean and Dixie and Peyton and Rose and Brian and Kacie and Miguel and Jacob and … the list goes on ! ( And don 't even get me started on the ones that are still in school . It has been a rough year , to say the least , in Marsing , but watching the kids come together and support and love each other through the tragedies of the past few months has made me as proud of them for their hearts and their compassion as I am of their brains and their academic achievements . ) So , congratulations to the newest Chicago Bear - Shea McClellin . You have earned your place in the spotlight and all of Marsing is proud of you ! But also , a job well done to all of the other students coming out of Marsing who are succeeding in their chosen fields , who are shooting for the stars and who are also making our little community proud as can be ! What do you get when you mix the New York fashion scene with al - Qaeda ? You get a darkly humorous novel that delves into the paranoia that gripped the US in the months and years following 9 / 11 . From the Memoirs of a Non - Enemy Combatant is just that , as it follows Boyet Hernandez , a Filipino designer who has come to New York to make a name for himself and his clothing line ( B ) oy . Boy runs into problems immediately upon arrival in the US . He has big dreams and talent to back them up , but not the funding . Just as he imagines he may never have the backing he needs to make the clothing line he has envisioned , a chance encounter with a neighbor changes his world . What Boy is too naïve to realize is that this new benefactor , with an apartment full of fertilizer , may not be funding his clothing line out of sheer love for his design aesthetic . Boy doesn 't see that he is being used as a front for much more sinister works . We learn of Boy 's New York exploits as he writes about them from his tiny cell in No Man 's Land , ( ie : Guantanamo Bay ) where he is being held and interrogated , without having been arrested and without access to a lawyer . On yellow legal pad after yellow legal pad , Boy walks his interrogator ( and us ) through those early days in the United States . We see how much he loves the US , how entirely focused he is on clothing design and how he was too self - absorbed to realize what was going on around him . Boyet is a likeable protagonist . He is embroiled in a mess well - beyond his understanding , and yet he tries to make sense of it by pulling forth his own renderings of history , philosophy and literature , usually butchering these references beyond belief . ( The footnotes throughout the tale help sort out the points he is trying to make . ) My favorite of these ill - guided attempts at allusion is when he tries to make a connection to the works of 19th century Russian author Fyodor Dostoyevsky , saying he particularly liked the one about the idiot , if only he could remember the title ! This just puts a stamp on Boyet 's incredible nativity and innocence as he is being accused of the heinous and horrible acts . I really like that this book breaks out of the conventional novel box . I like that it is Boyet 's own " confession , " written while held captive , bookended by a prologue and afterward by a reporter wishing to make the story known . This organization pushes the reader to imagine how such unwarranted detentions were ( and still are ) possible in a country where we say we prize freedom and the rule of law , but we are so afraid of terrorists getting the upper hand that those sentiments can be easily swept under the carpet in the name of protecting the homeland . Boy 's story is a fictional one , but it does force the reader to stop and consider how close to reality certain aspects may be treading . Errands . We sure seem to have a lot of them lately . Perchance it has to do with that little move to the other side of the globe that is just a month away now . Possibly . Maybe . Conceivably . Regardless , there has been a lot of little things that need taken care of over the last few weeks - phone calls , emails , runs to this store and that shop , dropping off paperwork here and picking up passports there . Lots and lots of stuff to do . The dress I ordered to take to Chengdu ( see the whole story in " From Coloring Books to Formals " ) finally arrived . The shop both called and sent an email last week , so I was feeling the pressure to go out and pick it up . Since I am currently ( again ) in the midst of a vacuum when it comes to a daily routine , it was no problem to find the time to go to Rockville . It was mostly a matter of finding the effort required to put my book away , close the book review that was in progress and put on clothes worthy of the public and make the hour ( each way ) trek to the boutique . It was while on this errand last week , mid - grumble to myself , when I realized that in the course of a year , my errand running has gotten ( and will get ) progressively more difficult . ( If I had been a better math student , I would create a lovely line graph with the X axis being difficulty level and the Y axis showing time and the points indicating where they intersect with a pretty pink line connecting them in a steep upward trajectory . But alas , math and science weren 't my strong points , so instead , a narrative it is ! ) A year ago , when we were still living in the lovely house in south Nampa ( the one that is still for sale at a rock - bottom price if anyone is interested ! ) , if I needed to run some errands , it was as easy as getting an 8th grader to giggle at a fart joke . Say we needed light bulbs . ( It always seems like we needed light bulbs and we always put it off until we needed a whole stack of them . ) In Idaho , I would just grab my keys ( in the figurative sense of getting stuff ready to go , as I always left the keys in the ignition in the car in the garage . Oh , how I loved having a garage ! ) hop in my cute little Celica and head to the store . Which store ? The choices were endless , from the Walgreens and Albertson 's just down to the road , to the Shopko ( always a good place to find things - like husbands ! ) or Target just up the road the other direction . I could get the light bulbs , pick up a few other random goodies and be home before Mabel , the resident basset hound , even awoke from her nap . Light bulbs in a flash . Now , in Arlington , if I need light bulbs , it takes a bit more planning , but not excessively so . I can always run down to the labyrinth below the mo - partment , in hopes that Rite - Aid has some , but that is always a bit of a gamble . Rite - Aid has an odd and unreliable selection of household items . The more likely scenario holds that I will check the Metro website , pulling up the Adobe document with the schedule for the near - by 9A bus . Once determining the time of the next arrival , I 'll grab my bag and skitter down to wait at the stop that is in front of a creepy , abandoned post office . All the while , I will be crossing my fingers , hopng that the bus actually stops for me . ( To be fair , if I am running this errand on my own , which is usually the case , the bus is going to stop . Three times in our year here I have had the bus blow by me at that stop . All three times I have had Thad with me . Something about him just must look sketchy to the drivers ! ) On the bus , I 'll scan my card and find a spot to enjoy the couple miles ride to the shopping center that is home to our local Target . At Target , I will get my light bulbs and anything else that strikes my fancy , being sure , of course , that whatever I purchase is easily cartable , as it is going home with me again on the bus . Now , this is where it gets tricky and / or frustrating . Going to Target , I can check the schedule and arrive at the stop just prior to the bus , but coming home , I am at the mercy of the bus . More times that I care to count , as I walk out those automatic doors of Target , I have glimpsed the taillights and smog spewing back end of the bus I wanted to be on . That means , it will be twenty to thirty minutes until the next one . There is no good people watching available from the Target bus stop , but I do get to enjoy a symphony of horns , honking for reasons unknown . All this , for want of a light bulb . It was while on the Metro train on my way to Rockville to pick up the dress last week though that I realized I should be quite content with my current errand running system , for in just a few weeks , that difficulty is going to step it up a few notches . It is like playing a video game . ( This is possibly the worst simile I could come up with , as I never play video games , but I 've watched a lot , so I think I have a bit of wiggle room here . ) Once you reach a certain point in the game , you level up , making each task harder and more complicated to accomplish . Well , soon , we are leveling - up . I can 't speak for Chengdu , as we 've only spent limited time there during Peace Corps trainings , but in Chengxian , buying a light bulb or two could become an all - morning process . The first matter was to figure out what exactly we needed . Things never seemed to work in quite the same way as they did the US , so it didn 't take us long to learn to take whatever it was we wanted replaced with us to the store . With light bulb in hand , the next step was to identify the area of town in which the desired item could be found . In Chengxian , there was the clothing shop section of town , the plumbing supply section of town , the live fish / eels / turtles section of town , etc . Once arriving in the electricity - related section of town , it was just a matter of finding a store with the same light bulb , negotiating a price and hoping that the bulb worked when we got it home . I am sure Chengdu will not be quite as complicated as Chengxian , as there are mega - stores that probably have all these odds and ends items in a single location , but even getting there will be more work than it is here . Language will always be a bit of a barrier , as will the blonde hair and blue eyes . ( Not because it makes me ditzy , but because it stands out and it different from the norm , making me a great topic of conversation that must be concluded before purchasing can occur . ) When She Woke falls firmly in the young adult literature genre , but within that realm , its home is on the older end of young adults . The writing style and vocabulary are by no means out of reach of middle school students , but the themes and content definitely require a bit more mature reader . I was drawn into the novel from the very start , loving the obvious references to The Scarlet Letter . ( The allusions , both apparent and those that are a bit more concealed , were strong enough to make me want to go reread Nathaniel Hawthorne 's magnum opus . ) In the not so distant from now future , Hannah Payne is raised within the boundaries of a strict , religious family . The only world she knows of is the one her parents allow her to see . That is , until she falls in love with the preacher of the mega - church her family attends - the married preacher of the mega - church her family attends . When he returns her affections ( and more ! ) and she becomes pregnant , she knows she can 't reveal the identity of the baby 's father , so rather than having the child , she decides it is best for all involved to have an abortion . In this future , abortion is illegal , punishable by a many years long sentence . ( Prisons had become too pricey for the government to run , so other than the very worst of criminals , the punished are injected a virus that turns their skin a bright color - red for murderers - that identifies them as a felon . They are then released back into the public , where they must find a way to survive the ongoing hatred meted out to them by the state 's citizens . ) Hannah , now a " red , " must find a way to survive her term of coloration . After a failed attempt through a halfway - type house , she decides to make a run for the Canadian border , where she will be protected . It is at the point that the higher - minded discussion of women 's rights and unduly harsh punishment drop by the wayside and the story becomes a mere romance . Maybe Jordan decided that the issues were just too big and too overwhelming to tackle in a young adult book . ( Although , if she felt that way , I am not sure why she started down the path to begin with . Why not make it an adult novel and see those subjects through ? Or if it was YA that she really wanted to create , why not choose a single subject and do it justice ? ) Whatever happened , I was sorely disappointed when Hannah 's storyline became more about seeing the man who would have been the father of her child rather than the societal problems that were the foundations of the novel . I 've never been a huge science fiction fan , leaning more towards dystopian literature when I 'm in the mood for something outside mainstream fiction , but over the years I 've run across a few that I really love . Anything by Ray Bradbury is a winner in my book , as is the Ender 's Game series . When I got my hands on the first book of Pete Hautman 's new series , I thought maybe I 'd be discovering another standout in the genre . The Obsidian Blade starts out in what seems to be a fairly current time period in a small Midwestern town called Hopewell . Tucker is the son of a local preacher who , while fixing the roof one day , disappears , only to reappear later , with a young girl , obviously not familiar with their time period , in tow . Reverend Feye ( interesting name choice , as " fe " means faith in Spanish ) returns changed , saying he no longer believes in God . Soon after this odd occurrence , Tucker 's mother starts to behave strangely , exhibiting symptoms that doctors diagnose as Autism , but she 'd never struggled with the disease before . Things quickly spiral out of control and soon Tucker 's parents disappear ( presumably into the same time - warping disko on their roof that his father entered previously ) . From here , the book goes all over the place . Tucker 's uncle , whom he has never met , comes to take care of him , but soon they have both entered a different disko that is atop Uncle Kosh 's barn roof in a town several hours away . They are transported to the top of the World Trade Center on September 11 , 2001 . ( What ? ! ) Anyway , after making their escape , Tucker returns to his home to enter the disko on top of his roof , thinking he will find his parents . And so the rest of the book goes … jumps from disko to disko take Tucker to the top of a pyramid where he is stabbed through the heart with an obsidian blade , to a strange hospital place where he discovers he has lost years of his life , and then it is off to Golgotha to see the crucifixion of a prophet . ( Yup , you read that right . He witnesses Christ on the cross . ) Science fiction is unique in that it tends to require much more setup than a novel set in modern times . The author has to create the new world ( s ) , a litany of characters with unique traits and what often times turns out to be a rather complicated and twisting plot line . I think it is fairly common for books of this genre to be long because of the intricate foundations that need to be set . It is understandable . The problem I have with The Obsidian Blade is that the entire novel feels like the setup . If I didn 't know that this book was the first in a trilogy , I would have been confused by the lack of cohesion . Even after 200 pages , I felt like nothing had been done other than creating a backstory for the rest of the series . I would much rather have had the book be longer and get into the actual story more . Maybe this should have been two longer books , rather than three short ones ? While this book left me with no idea what is going on in Hopewell and who the different groups of players are , I have no desire to read the second to find out . All the extended framework did was kill my interest in the book . Maybe the second and third installments will sort out the issues and seemingly incompatible occurrences from the first book , but I just wasn 't drawn in enough to give them the chance . Because it is Saturday and a beautiful day outside , I 'm in a great mood , meaning Pete Hautman 's book The Obsidian Blade generously earns : ( Barely . ) As the move to China edges ever nearer , my OCD - like need for organization and control is kicking in to overdrive . The fact that the last week has been filled with * huge * forward progress is only serving to add fuel to the crazy - lady fire . ( Chinese visas have come back , pack - out has been scheduled and tickets to LA and on to Chengdu have been issued ! ) It doesn 't help that I 'm done with ConGen , that all of our visitors have come and gone and now I have all day to sit and fret about minor details . One particular point has recently embedded itself in my brain , much like a grain of sand would do in an oyster . ( Clam ? Mussel ? You know , the sea - dwelling , hinged - shelled creature that inadvertently makes lovely jewelry for my fingers and wrists and neck . ) Well , the hours of irritating my mind finally paid off with a jewel ( or a plan as the case may be ) while I was in the shower this morning . ( Why is it that the shower is the home to so many brilliant ideas ? I used to come up with the best lesson plan ideas while I was in the shower - ways to make kids enjoy writing sonnets or a great new expository essay idea or the perfect activity to help solidify Greek and Latin word parts in the minds of 8th graders . ) Anyway , what is this latest tiny nuisance ? Luggage . Baggage . Suitcases . Call it what you will , but when moving to the middle of China for two years ( and then to lands unknown ) the specifics become quite important . The issue , percolating in my brain , has been about how to get the maximum use out of the luggage allowances we are given , especially providing that the rest of our belongings will arrive anywhere from a month to two months after we set foot in Chengdu . This means planning both casual and work - wear . ( Yes , I said work ! I 've had two job interviews in the past week , which look promising . An added bonus to interviewing via phone from the opposite side of the globe is that pajamas are a perfectly acceptable outfit to wear while discussing your background in education and your enthusiasm for taking on a variety of projects at the same time . ) But clothing isn 't the only thing that has to go in those bags . With the rest of our shipment weeks , or months out , daily use items like dishwasher soap , mosquito spray and alarm clocks need to be considered as well . The State Department allows each family member to check two bags as part of the travel process . Thad and I each bought a large , hard - shelled suitcase last spring as we prepared to move out here . ( While I love the color and size of these cases , I do have regrets . They are too heavy ! When nearly ten of my allotted fifty pounds are spent on the container itself , I end up having empty space inside because I am over on weight before I run out of room ! Lesson learned . ) So that is two bags , both in good condition . I own another roller - bag , ( this one sporting an adorable 70s floral pattern ) that is a perfect size for carry - on . Last week , I ordered Thad a nice shoulder - strapped garment bag for his suits . The one we brought to DC with us is not only too small to fit his growing suit collection , but it is definitely not high quality . I 've seen what China can do to luggage ( on our first move there , my bag came off the carousal in Chengdu looking like it had been used as a buffer in an epic battle between kung - fu pandas . ) Figuring we 've both got two arms ( okay , mine may be weak and lacking in the strength department , but they can pull a suitcase or two ) , so we each have two rolling bags . That means we 've currently got an empty hand ! I knew just what we needed to take that final , coveted spot in our baggage family . I 'd seen this bag several months ago , have visited it at the store several times and finally , today , adopted it into our diverse luggage home . ( My baggage collection is a bit like Angelina Jolie 's family . I see it . I like it . I add it . It doesn 't matter if it matches what I already have . ) This newest bag is a bit of dark maroon , paisley - pattered perfection . This little guy ( okay , not so little , especially once expanded ) fills out our last spot . Now , I can roll my hard - shell and one other case . Thad can roll his hard - shell and one other case . ( I told him I would carry his garment bag , since I am the one who wants the extra bag to begin with , but we all know when the time comes , I 'll be much to wimpy to actually roll two bags , have my own carry - on and haul the suit bag . But , it sounds good for now . ) " Mickey Cray had been out of work ever since a dead iguana fell from a palm tree and hit him on the head . " If that opening line doesn 't catch your attention and leave you with dozens of questions , I can 't begin to imagine what is going on in your brain . As it turns out , the iguana froze to death during a cold snap in southern Florida , turning it into a giant reptilian ice club , effectively giving Mickey one heck of a concussion . Hiaasen 's latest young adult book takes us on an adventure into the Florida Everglades , where the Cray family lives and works as animal wranglers . Mickey , the father , relates better to his beasts than he does to human beings , while Wahoo ( much like Sodapop and Ponyboy of The Outsiders fame , that is his real name ) does a much better job bridging those worlds . When Expedition Wild ! , a hit reality TV series based on wilderness survival shows up and wants the wrangling expertise of the Crays , the alligators , parrots , snakes , monkeys and raccoons are the least harmful of the creatures involved . When it comes to TV , reality isn 't quite real . The star of the series , Derek Badger , appears on the show to be a rugged outdoorsman who can survive any situation Mother Nature can throw at him . As it turns out , he is a rather pudgy , dessert - loving whiner who doesn 't do his own stunts , doesn 't have the sense of an empty coin purse and is only saved through the graces of the editing studio . When Derek decides he is going to " go wild " for this episode of his show , things quickly spiral out of control . From encounters with angry snakes and scared bats to a drunk man with a gun ( which is a whole separate plot of its own ) , Badger soon realizes that he isn 't Mr . Outdoors , but clings to his desire to be the star of the series , thus earning him a huge pay raise in his next salary negotiations . Clinging to that hope , he attempts some crazy stunts , but will it be enough ? Fans of Hiaasen 's previous young adult novels , such as Flush and Hoot , will love this one as well . There is action and adventure as they characters wade through the Everglades , but unlike Expedition Wild , there is also a good dose of reality , as the subplots deal with an alcoholic and abusive father , a family on the brink of losing their home and a look at what constitutes " reality . " The book comes in at just under 200 pages , so it is just the right length for young readers . I 'd give this book an instant two thumbs up , but in honor of Wahoo and his run - in with Alice , the resident alligator , I 'll stick with one thumb and one nub up , which translates to Carl Hiaasen 's Chomp earning :

There 's a lot of stuff that you can get to enhance your paddling experience . It 's true in most outdoor pursuits , and I imagine for enthusiasts of nearly any variety . I 'd gotten to this point where I never paddled without the essential safety gear , maps , guide books , flora and fauna guides , binoculars , food , and so on . I didn 't get too involved in it ( like with GPS and all the other gear you can get ) but I did find that I was feeling a bit bogged down by it all . It just seemed burdensome to need to make two or more trips to the car to get everything whenever I wanted to paddle for a while . Simplicity is one of the things I think we 're all looking for when we venture outdoors . We want a basic connection to the visceral existence that we know pre - existed our comfortable , air - conditioned , gore - texed , wrapped in plastic present . I think we need it at a genetic level . This had always been one of my favorite features of surfing , one that I would pontificate about if someone asked me . That is , surfing is an amazingly complicated synthesis of balance , speed , finesse , wave knowledge , timing , placement , weight distribution , trim , but requires so little in the way of equipment . A person , a board , some wax , and a wave . That 's it . Body surfing is even more pure in this sense . Man and wave . Yet , there is a great gulf between those who merely do it , and those who do it with grace and skill . In the end , it 's not the stuff ; it 's the man ( or woman , I 'm using " man " in that ungendered human being sense ) . Aimee just proofread this and suggested that it could sound like I " m suggesting that I 'm skilled and graceful . That 's not my intention , and so , with both skill and grace , I hereby proclaim the baseness of my skills . Someday I may achieve hard won grace . I 've long appreciated this about surfing , so I don 't know why I got caught up in the " stuff " of kayaking , but I 've recently decided to slough some of it off . Perhaps not permanently , or all the time , but most of the time . The last three trips I 've taken ( the last three consecutive WednePosted by The Great Bike Shop submitted a team to the Corporate Cup Challenge yesterday ( local race to promote wellness in the office ) . Teams consisted of 4 people and four events ( one per participant ) ; kayak , bike , run , and strength . I did the kayak event ; my first kayak race ever . Rick from The Wilderness Way was there running the event , which used their boats ( had to be shorter than 13 ' ) . I came in second in my heat , and fifth overall . The guy who won I know by reputation . I 've never paddled with him before , but I have paddled with a pal of his and I found his regular pace to be my fast pace , so he won by almost a minute . They guy who beat me in my heat just out - muscled me . If the course had been longer I think I would have had him , but he was some kind of fitness trainer and stayed about a boat length ahead of me . JC got second in the bike and our runner got third in the run overall . No results yet but I think we 're in good standing to place top three . Attempted to hike to Shepherd Spring today , but had no map and ended up turning back a little short . Oh well , still a beautiful morning to be outside . Cheers . The unbearably hot weather has finally broken and it feels great outside . So this morning I paddled Wacissa headwaters . It was cool and overcast for the whole trip . Saw loads of birds like blue heron , little blue heron , great egret , snowy egret , tricolored heron , wood duck , white ibis , red shouldered hawk , common moorhen , kingfisher , and others . A family of river otter let me sneak up on them ( to about 20 ' ) . When they finally noticed me they all stood up on their haunches and made a weird sort of coughing noise at me , then disappeared . I poked into several of the smaller springs on the E side of the river , so I saw about 5 in all , including Big Blue . Along one of the spring runs I noticed something huge and white just under the water , which turned out to be a big sunbleached and completely denuded turtle carapace ( about 16 " long x 13 " wide ) . It 's now drying out on the picnic table out back . A wildlife officer busted three guys hunting from a boat for something , and there were some nice folks on the river from Tampa who are on their annual N FL paddling trip . They spoke highly of the Blackwater River and Ti Ti and Whiskey George creeks . Perhaps I 'll see them soon . After waaaaaaayyyy too long off the water , Aimee and I took a trip with the local outfitters / livery last night . My friend and coworker JC and friend wanted to go and it seemed like a pleasant way to get back out and mostly avoid this heat . We launched from the US 98 bridge over the Wakulla ( indigenous word for " mysterious waters " ) at about 7 and got out at the Fort a few miles down a little after nine . Highlights for me were chatting with the guides and the huge storm that was firing a few miles away mingling with the sunset and full moon that eventually appeared from behind the clouds . It was kind of a large group , but mostly pleasant folks , expertly led by friendly and informative staff of The Wilderness Way . They have to do a lot more work than we used to at SMKC , due mostly to not having a waterside local and therefore having to load a trailer and set up a shuttle for most all trips . It sounds as though I might be able to do a little work for them at some point ? We 'll see . No other big plans due to the heat and the amount of work we 've been doing around the house , which is mostly of the painting variety . Someday I 'll get to paddle more regularly and post more stuff . For now . . . . How 's this for convenient water access ? Short trip from Wakulla Beach this morning . I got down there at about 10 and while I was gearing up a bald eagle soared by . If you look real close at the photo you can see that there 's an island behind my truck . I don 't know what it 's called yet , but I 've got a FB msg in to someone who 'll probably know , so for right now I 'm calling it Yonder Island . As you can see , the launch at Wakulla Beach is pretty nice . You get off the coastal highway and drive 5 or 6 miles down a long sand road through the forest . Aside from the occasional beer can it 's a lovely semi - tropical maritime forest of live oak , palms , pine and other trees . Sections of it are swampy . Most of it is owned by the gubment , so there are few homes or other man made structures . At the end of the road it opens onto the above beach and you pull right up to the water 's edge , unload , then park far enough away that a high tide won 't wash your car for you ( about 50 ' or so ) . There was just enough onshore breeze to keep the heat and bugs down and chop up the water slightly , but it was plenty manageable . I didn 't really know how far away that island was , but I guessed it couldn 't be too far , and I was right . It took about 30 minutes to cross ( against wind and incoming tide ) , and I guessed 1 . 5 or 2 miles based on that . I got right up next to the island , which is a typical low cord and needle grass sandbar with a few stunted trees on it , and made my way around slowly so I could see what there was to see , which wasn 't that much . There was a pair of oystercatchers at one end , lots of hermit crabs , a Southern stingray ( stingaree , as Mr . White would say ) , and random single sea squirts that weren 't attached to anything . At other points on the trip I saw a bald eagle , laughing gull , loon , and willets . I was off the water a little after noon . It was a short paddle , but a nice one and a beautiful day to be out there . Cheers . From the St . Mark 's Rail Trail trail head just below town to St . Mark 's National Wildlife Refuge . Perfect temps , a little breezy , blue skies , beautiful day . I stopped at The Wilderness Way in Wakulla ( the town of ) and spoke with those folks for a while , and they graciously answered all my questions about trips and put - ins and equipment and such . Then I got off the trail onto Bloxham Cutoff Rd ( SR 267 ) to Newport and then on down the Lighthouse Rd . all the way to the end . It was marvelous . Bike is definitely the way to see the wildlife refuge . In a car you 'll drive by too many things while you go from spot to spot , and you can cover more ground on a bike than by foot . On a fat tired bike you can ride all the dikes , and there are miles and miles of them . I had the good sense to bring my field glasses ( knobblers ) and a bird guide , so I just went through at a leisurely pace to see what I could see . What I saw was : common moorhen , American coot , cormorant , lesser scaup , redhead ( duck ) , little blue heron , snowy egret , tricolored heron , brown pelican , pied billed grebe , old turkey vultures , a pair of adult bald eagles with a juvy in the nest , laughing gulls , Forster 's terns , kingfisher , eastern kingbird , boat tailed grackle , mockingbird , indigo bunting ( ! ) , red winged blackbird . I also saw a plant called a Horrible Thistle , not quite in full bloom yet , but deserving of its name . On my way out I notice an armadillo coming out of the brush ambling towards the road . I slowed down ( he didn 't ) and came to a stop a few feet short of him . Aside from a couple pauses to look me over , he didn 't seem that impressed by me , so he carried on across and passed about 3 ' in ahead of my front wheel and then waddled into the tall grass on the other side . Stupid animals , them . They 're by far the most common roadkill around here . Cute in a funny looking kind of way though , so I was pretty entertained . The bald eagles must be a fixture down there . I 've seen at least one every time I 've been on the property ( except with Mike a couple weeks ago , Posted by Some customers in the bike shop recently told me about a lake an hour W of TLH called Merritt 's Mill Pond , which was notable for being spectacularly clear . It 's located right outside Marianna FL ( page 32 in your trusty FL gazetteer , B1 ) . MMP is very linear , never more than 100 meters wide , and runs roughly 4 miles NE to SW , beginning with Blue Spring at the N end and terminating at a dam . The water is , in fact , super clear where it comes out of the earth at the spring at a rather voluminous rate , enough to create some current the length of the lake . If you didn 't know better , the flow and appearance of it would convince you it 's a river . With the help of a local or two , I found a sandy launch spot at the end of Day Loop Rd just down from the park at the spring ( only open Memorial to Labor Day ) . I paddled the short distance up to the spring and spoke with a couple cave divers who were about to go down . The whole of N FL is world renowned for cave diving due to all the water that carves its way through the soft limestone ( see previous posts about Lake Jackson , Leon Sinks , the St . Mark 's River , the Wakulla ) . There was a 10 ' x10 ' swimming platform out in the middle of the spring , so I moored up to it and scrambled on . I stripped down to my trunks and dove into the cool clear water . It 's 69 degrees year round , which is what I would call refreshing ; you don 't want to hang out in it too long , but it feels good to jump in for a minute . After that I layed on the platform and enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my skin for a while . When I 'd had enough I headed S all the way to the end and then back up . As a paddling destination , MMP isn 't that great . Yes , it 's very clear , but it 's not that large , and aside from the water clarity , unremarkable . There 's a lot of cypress stumps just below water level , which I ran into 7 or 8 times in my kayak ( it 'd be murder on a motor boat ) . It wasn 't unpleasant , but I wouldn 't drive the hour again just to paddle . With the park at the spring closed , though , a boat is the only way to access it , whbollocks After hemming and hawing a little about where to go for the Geezer 's second day we settled on putting in at the San Marcos de Apalache Historic State Park ( the fort ) down in the little town of St . Mark 's . In addition to the little museum they run there 's a public boat ramp and a nice grassy spot which makes for a great kayak launch . I had heard , again from Georgia at The Wilderness Way , that from there you could go about 4 miles downriver to a spoil island that made for a great lunch spot , and then either head back up or carry on towards the wildlife refuge , depending on conditions and your inclinations . We were on the water around 10 : 30 , slightly before low tide , so we had the last of the outgoing to carry us down . Warm temps and almost no breeze . We found the little island , and it really is a nice spot for a snack , or to overnight ( it 's designated as a camp site on the FL circumnavigation trail ) . We decided to go ahead and make the run for the lighthouse to eat lunch . By this point the sea breeze kicked up pretty good , and so that last mile or so was pretty arduous . The corner of the Refuge that you naturally end up at ( on the Lighthouse Pool trail ) has a fine little sandy beach for pulling onto , and a covered picnic table for lunching , which we took advantage of . After lunch we wandered around the lighthouse a little before heading back upriver . For the trip back up the tide was coming in , and more importantly , the wind was to our back . It chopped the water up pretty good . There are a bunch of oyster bars that are only a few feet wide , but are arranged in long arcs across the river , which can be a hassle for a kayaker , and a nightmare for a motorboat / sailboat , especially at night when you can 't see them . Birds : common loons , American coot , common moorhen , boat - tailed grackle , great egret , great blue heron , snowy egret , laughing gulls and several other gulls and terns , brown pelican , American white pelican ( a first sighting for me ) , cormorant , ring necked duck , and others I 'm sure but that 's all I can recall righbollocks This one is going to be short and sweet because I 've had a full day on the water and I 'm full of dinner and a cocktail or two and I 'm about to crawl into bed for what 's bound to be a very restful night of sleep . My very good friend and former coworker from SMKC days , Mike aka The Geezer , is down visiting for a couple days . He got in last night and we made plans to do the whole Wacissa River today , which is about 10 miles . So this morning we loaded up two cars and he and Aimee and I drove out to the spring ( about a thirty minute drive ) and unloaded . Then we set up the shuttle , which is a pain in the ass . From the spring it 's 15 miles on FL 59 to the coastal highway ( 98 ) , and then a few miles to cross the Aucilla and turn down some poorly maintained and unmarked sandy roads to the take out at Goose Pasture Recreation Area . It 's about 45 mins each way , when you know exactly where you 're going , which is tough without the signs ( it 's not impossible , but I was glad there were a couple people along the way to tell me I was headed down the correct road ; important note : when you get to the fork on Goose Pasture Rd you want to stay to the left ) . The morning started off very chilly ( frost on the cars ) but warmed up so it was comfortable for Aimee to watch the stuff and read a book and watch birds while we set up the shuttle . We finally got launched a little after 11 . The river was beautiful ; pretty clear despite all the recent rain . Temperature was perfect at 65 F and there was just a little S wind every now and then in the open sections . We checked Big Blue Spring for a sec and then headed downriver . Found a lunch spot just above the old dam about halfway down for a nice break in the shady woods . Finally pulled into Goose Pasture at about 4 . Along the way we saw a few gators , lots of big turtles ( cooters ? I 'll have to check the books tomorrow ) , little blue heron , great egret , snowy egret , common moorhen , American coot , kingfisher , red shouldered hawk , greater yellowlegs , eastern phoebe , brown pelican , cormorant , turkey vultuPosted by Not that sulfurous lake of fire and brimstone , but on the Crooked River in Tate 's Hell State Forest near Carrabelle in Franklin County , Florida . Tate 's Hell came by its name about a hundred years ago , so the legend says , when a man named Cebe Tate pursued a Florida Panther into the swamp and became disoriented . He spent several days wandering in that wilderness , lost his gun , and was bitten by a water moccasin . When he stumbled out of the forest and into a couple of locals , who questioned him on his identity , he is said to have replied " My name 's Tate and I 've just been through Hell . " It 's really not so bad , though I wouldn 't want to spend a night out there lost and unprepared ( lows are in the 20 's down here lately ) . I drove all that way down there because the rivers up here are still high from all the rain and the forecast called for enough wind to keep me out of the marsh . It wasn 't so much the wind as the combination of the wind and the cold . I don 't mind either one that much within reasonable bounds , but both of them at the same time is no good . So I figured that I could find some small tidal swamp crick where I could hide from the wind and not have to run any rapids . This morning that was the extent of my plan . I didn 't know where I was going to put in or even what the name of the stream would be . I called the forest service office and they said they had some maps , but I gathered that those folks didn 't paddle and thus couldn 't offer much in the way of information beyond where the boat ramps are . There 's a livery in Carrabelle that I 'd noticed previously called Expeditions in Hell ( great name , www . expeditionsinhell . com ) . I stopped and talked to a very nice lady there named Rama and she kindly suggested a few options and even gave me a map of the area ( on sturdy waterproof paper with launches highlighted , no less ) . I took her first suggestion , the Crooked River . I put in on SR 67 just a few miles N of Carrabelle where the road crosses the river . From there I paddled E about 5 miles , to Crooked River Recreation Posted by We 've been here for six months now and today was the first time I 've been on Lake Jackson , despite its being only a couple miles from our house . It 's a pretty good size urban lake that disappears every few decades when the silt plug in the limestone karst gives way and the lake goes into the ground until a new plug builds up and about a lake 's worth of rain falls out of the sky . It 's up now as high as many people have ever seen it . I 've checked it a couple times now , but either didn 't have a boat with me ( just looking at the launches ) or didn 't find it appealing . Aimee 's been bugging me to go since we got down here , but I wasn 't excited about paddling on an urban lake that could turn into a giant flushing toilet . Besides , the part you can see on North Monroe Street looks like one giant lilly pad ( not much water to speak of ) . On Sunday we went to the state park down the street from the launch on Crowder Rd to check out the Indian mounds and walk the nature trails . Afterwards we drove down to the boat ramp to look at the lake and see what there was to see . It was a pleasant evening with no wind and there were lots of birds , and for the first time I thought it might be nice to paddle there sometime . Prospects for paddling were bleak today , as there was a 100 % chance of rain , and it could last all day . It was already falling when I woke up at 7 this morning , so I pretty much gave up on it , especially after seeing the huge green and yellow mass on the radar . I ran errands and did responsible stuff for a couple hours . Then by noon it had started to clear and by one the sun was out and it was mid - 50 's and there wasn 't any wind to speak of . I was on the lake by 2 . I didn 't really go far , but I spent about 2 . 5 hours out poking into the swollen marshes and fingers watching birds . The birding was fantastic . I saw : pied - billed grebe , double crested cormorant , great blue heron , great egret , snowy egret , tricolored heron , white ibis , hooded merganser , turkey vulture , osprey ( hit the water twice and caught a fish on the second trPosted by It 's been over two months since I was last on the water , mostly due to poor weather whenever I wasn 't working and traveling for holidays . Beyond the bad weather though , I 've felt a sort of general malaise and lethargy . Perhaps I 've been suffering from that seasonal disorder thing . The good side of it is that I 've gotten lots of little projects done around the house and several books read and we 've been taking the time to cook elaborately . The bad is that I haven 't had the will to get outside . I tried last week ; even loaded the boat up and drove to the closest launch , but found the river way too high for comfort . I then checked a second spot , Lake Jackson , and despite the decent day and pleasant launch , I wasn 't motivated . Today I got motivated . I left mid - morning and drove an hour S to Wakulla Beach , from which I 've paddled once before several months ago . I noted at the time there being plenty of marsh to explore from the launch , and despite the preponderance of marsh time in NC , I 'd had very little down here of late , and wished to reconnect , as it were , to the roots of my paddling experience . I launched a couple hours before high tide and in a bit more wind than was really fun . There wasn 't much chop to speak of , but it took awhile to get out of the open and into a creek small enough to hide from the wind . From the launch you can either go right or left , with several creeks for exploring each way . Today I went to the right , around the point and back up as far as I could get up the nearest of the major creeks that way . It was pretty tough to find a channel , as there are loads of oyster bars and it was very shallow even at higher tides . Eventually though I managed to find the mouth of a creek and make my way up . After a while I noticed the predictable change from cordgrass to needle rush as I got nearer to the forest , but I also noted that the water was getting much clearer and that there was still plenty of outward flow despite the incoming tide . There is a spring in that area somewhere , which for a bit I thought Posted by

When I was 8 years old , my Mimi took all of us nieces and nephews to The Alabama Theatre to see " Chitty Chitty Bang Bang . " I remember sitting there - - one part of me hoping Caractacus Potts and Truly Scrumptious would share their first kiss over a Toot Sweet , while running from the evil Baron Bomburst , who would stop at nothing to steal Chitty - Chitty . . . while the other part of me was just hoping and praying that the rapture didn 't take place while I was sitting in a " wicked " movie theatre . Sad but true . . . but . . . makes me laugh now . In the years since , the amazing , sweet , wonderful grace of Jesus has set me free from the fear of missing the rapture . . . even when I 'm at the movies ( hee , hee ) . I still don 't get to see that many of them - - I 'm typically sitting on stadium seats rather than in movie seats . ( And , I 'll readily admit that I 'm not a fan of most superhero movies . ) However , I am a fan of Christianity Today 's ( CT ) website . Don 't agree with everything I read there , but I love reading about other people 's faith journeys . Anyway , each year CT lists " The 10 Most Redeeming Films " for the preceding year . I can vouch for a few of the ones from 2007 , because me and my three guys watched several of them after they came out with the 2007 list ( Bella , August Rush , Dan In Real Life . . . to name a few ) . This morning I visited the CT website , and they had posted their picks for 2008 . I haven 't seen most of these , so I don 't have any clue as to age - appropriateness . ( FYI . . . and warning . . . some of the 2007 films did contain behaviors and language that characters were redeemed from . ) But , on this cold January / February weekend , I though I 'd list these for you . Pizza and movie night sounds like just the ticket to me . ( Too bad that will be next to impossible since we have 13 6th - grade - boys at the house through Sunday morning for our church 's Disciple Now weekend . . . . Oh well , maybe next weekend . ) CT defines " redeeming " films as : " movies that include stories of redemption - sometimes blatantly , sometimes less so . Several of them literally have a characPosted by Well . . . I 've saved the best for last when it comes to telling you about my teachers at Kimberly Elementary School . Why ? Because Elsie Sanders opened up the big , wide world to me . She took me on " Adventures in the Everglades , " and we delved into " The Mystery at Cloud Rock . " I laughed and cried and struggled alongside " Mrs . Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch , " and I longed to beat up the meanies who were so awful to " The Little Witch . " Mrs . Sanders opened my eyes and mind and heart to the magical world of books . And , looking back , her methods bordered on genius . But . . . first of all , you need to get a " picture " of Elsie Sanders . And that 's so easy . Just remember Robin Williams as " Mrs . Doubtfire . " Mrs . Doubtfire was Elsie Sanders . Looked like her . Built like her . Hair like her . Talked like her . Even had expressions and body language like her . ( I just know Robin Williams somehow saw a movie of Elsie Sanders when he was creating that character . ) All of us thought of Mrs . Sanders more as a fluffy , loving grandmother than as a teacher , and she was not above using that knowledge to her ( and , ultimately , to our ) advantage . Here was her daily schedule . In the morning , we would focus on the " hard - core " subjects like science and history and math . Besides books , her passion was to make absolutely sure that every student who walked out the doors of Kimberly Elementary School had MEMORIZED the multiplication tables through 12 . To this day , I can rattle off the " 11s , " which I still think are the hardest . ( I STINK at math . ) After we finished those subjects , it was time to walk downstairs to Sister 's Lee 's yeast rolls . From there , Mrs . Sanders would march us down the hall for a short potty break . Then , it was outside for recess , just long enough to get hot and sweaty and for the sugar crash from those yeast rolls to kick in . Then , at just the right Elsie - designated moment , she would clap her hands and , in her best Mrs . Doubtfire voice , she would say , " Children , it 's time to go in now . " . . . AND WE DID . Just like that we would line up and march into thPosted by OK , I hate it when life gets in the way of posting . Ever since I started this little blog earlier this month , it 's as though some sort of dam has burst inside me , and memories and stories are just " dying " to flood onto this virtual paper . ( Those of you who have been kind enough to share some of your own words and memories have only made this worse - - LOL . ) Last week , my youngest son was telling me that he really is trying not to be so forgetful ( something we 've been working on ) , but that " there 's just all this music in my head all the time . " ( For those of you who don 't know him , he loves music . He plays piano and guitar and goes around writing songs all the time . ) I told him I understood completely - - that the " music in my head " these days was just words instead of musical notes . The " music in my head " on this busy morning are the words to a song we sang in church Sunday . I actually heard it again on the radio this morning driving back from school drop - offs . For those of you who asked me about the lyrics I mentioned in the last post , I hope you enjoy . . . and I pray that all of us will drink in deeply the truth of these words : How deep the Father 's love for us , how vast beyond all measure That he should give his only son , to make a wretch his treasureHow great the pain of searing loss , the Father turned his face away As wounds which mar the chosen one , bring many sons to glory Behold the man upon a cross , my sin upon his shoulders Ashamed , I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers It was my sin that held him there until it was accomplished His dying breath has brought me life ; I know that it is finished I will not boast in anything : no gifts , no power , no wisdom But I will boast in Jesus Christ ; his death and resurrection Why should I gain from his reward ? I cannot give an answer But this I know with all my heart : his wounds have paid my ransom - - written by Stuart Townend " How great is the love the Father has lavished on us , that we should be called children of God ! And that is what we are ! The reason the world doesPosted by Sunday morning , we celebrated The Lord 's Supper at church . For some reason , us Knoxville Baptists don 't do this very often . So , when we do . . . it 's deep . . . and it 's moving . . . and it does not lend itself easily to words . ( My oldest son summed up my own feelings when he said to me , " Mom , I didn 't even want to leave church this morning . ) As I sat there listening to the beautiful music that reminded us of " how deep the Father 's love for us , how vast beyond all measure " . . . and listening to the timeless words from our pastor . . . words that remind me why we " eat this bread and drink this cup , " I realized I felt like a thirsty woman who knows she 's about to be offered a tall , cool glass of water . And . . . when I ate that bread . . . and drank that cup . . . remembering . . . well , I was humbled . . . I was refreshed . . . I was somehow renewed . During my 14 years as a Presbyterian , we took communion a lot . Looking back , I don 't think its frequency made it any less special . I was just at a place in my spiritual journey where I somehow ( unexplainably ) took for granted the awe . . . and wonder . . . and miracle . . . of what the Father 's deep love for us cost Him and his Son . Of course , my earliest memories of communion at the Kimberly Church of God are unalterably intertwined with memories of footwashing . ( The first time I celebrated communion without footwashing , I thought " they " had forgotten something . ) Turns out , an overwhelming majority of churches don 't observe footwashing . ( Instead , they use that servant - act of Jesus as an object lesson of what it looks like to have a servant 's heart . ) That logic makes sense , but I 've always felt a little sad for those who 've never experienced an actual footwashing service . I can still remember the feeling of that warm water as I cupped my hands in that basin and poured it over Joy 's feet . ( She was always my footwashing buddy . ) All the men and boys would be in one room and the women and girls in another , and we would sing and pray and sing some more . . . until every last foot was washed . One of my most tender memories of any communiPosted by Tomorrow ( Jan . 26 ) is my cousin Lisa 's birthday . I won 't say which one . This picture is of our Mama Kelley , with her ever - present hickory . ( That 's me way off in the back playing with a . . . cinder block . My daddy and aunt , whom we called Mimi , are the sitting - down grownups that you see most clearly . My cousin , Dawn , is the cute little blonde in the red jacket . And , the birthday girl herself is the baby in the swing . ) Even though Lisa 's only four months younger than me , it was my little brother , Kevin , whom she always got in trouble with . In fact , I had a difficult time deciding which of their many adventures - gone - awry to turn into her " birthday blog . " First off , I should tell you that Lisa is the youngest of four daughters born to my daddy 's brother , John Walter Kelley , Jr . , and his wife , Barbara . Like all great southern men , my Uncle Walter had many names - - Junior , Chief , Shug , FudgeMan - - am I forgetting any ? But , most of his nieces and nephews called him NooNoon . After serving in WWII , NooNoon came home and eventually married his love , Barbara . He loved her until the day he died . ( On second thought , I 'm sure he still does . ) Like almost everyone in Kimberly , NooNoon and Barbara struggled to make ends meet . He worked at the local brickyard , and together they ran " Walter 's store . " Behind their house was a HUGE field - - I always thought it was as big as the Mortimer Jordan High School football field . Many summers , this field was tilled and planted into a vegetable garden . It bordered NooNoon 's backyard , my Uncle Sherill 's backyard , my Uncle Paul 's backyard , and the Kimberly First Baptist Church parking lot . One particular year brought a monsoon - like Alabama spring . It rained . And rained . And rained some more . And turned NooNoon 's field into a football - field - sized lake . Except for us , all the Kelleys lived next door or back door to each other . Some adult was always nearby . But , because it was safe and secure 1960s Kimberly , the grownups usually never had a clue where us kids were until time for supper . Such was the case on the finPosted by So , my ( hopefully reformed ) Baby - Jesus - napper / manger - repossesser friend , J , calls me up this week : " Hey , I need to borrow your kitchen for a commercial we 're shooting . " ( J works at one of the local TV stations . ) Next thing I know , I 'm the " mom " in the commercial , borrowing two little friends , C and E , to be my cute children running through the kitchen . Turns out , this commercial is scheduled to air here in Knoxville during the Super Bowl ! Well , at first I 'm actually excited . J and the rest of the TV crew arrive and start setting up all these cool lights and cameras . My " kids " arrive and are SO excited . Even my dog , Hallie , seems excited . Then , it hit me : " I DON ' T KNOW HOW to ACT " - - not even for a 30 - second commercial that requires very little " ACTING . " ( Thank goodness I didn 't have to speak . ) Embarrasingly , just walking from my fridge to my kitchen counter required more " takes " than I 'm willing to discuss . Thankfully , the TV crew was great - - patient and encouraging . The kids were great ! Even Hallie was great - - with the help of a few pieces of cheese . After the crew packed up all their " lights , camera , action , " I stood at my kitchen counter , munching on the " props " and found myself wondering , " At what point in our lives do we become so self - conscious ? At what point do we let the fear of looking stupid . . . or 10 pounds heavier on TV . . . or older . . . keep us from simply " catching " the surprising ( even sometimes exciting ) curve balls that life ( aided by my friend , J ) sometimes throws us ? " My little friends , C and E , simply enjoyed the moment . So , I 've resolved to enjoy " catching " this particular curve ball . ( After all , I 've already gotten to share my newest FAVORITE MAGAZINE EVER , " Garden & Gun , " with one of the crew AND found out he has pet goats - - how cool is that ? ) I 've even resolved not to beat myself up too much when the commercial airs . ( Who wants to hold me accountable to THAT resolution ? ) My friend , Marla , often reminds me : " Karen , when you stand before Jesus , He 's not going to ask you , ' Why weren 't you Marla ? ' He 's going to asPosted by So far , I 've told you about two teachers at Kimberly Elementary School who taught from completely opposite ends of the educational and psychological pendulum . But , I haven 't yet told you about Miss Powers . Miss Powers was my first teacher ever since there was no such thing as kindergarten in 1966 Kimberly , AL . I will never forget walking into that classroom and seeing that stunning creature with long , straight blonde hair , wearing a mini skirt and white , patent - leather go - go boots . I had never seen anything like her in my almost - six years of Pentecostal life . I think every girl in 1st grade went home that day and begged their mamas for a pair of those patent - leather boots . We knew better than to ask for the mini skirt . I 'm sure Miss Powers helped me learn to read and write and come up with the answer to 1 + 5 that year . But , another thing she taught me as she walked around that classroom wearing those amazing go - go boots was that clothes DO make a statement . The statement her clothes made to us first - graders was " This is what groovy looks like . " . . . And we LIKED it . The statement they apparently made to our mamas was : " A floozy is teaching our children . " ( Funny thing . . . our daddys didn 't seem to have a problem with those go - go boots . ) That year , Joy and I had a HUGE fight . She had asked to borrow my brand new Cinderella coloring book . So , I let her . But I had NO IDEA she would color the picture I had decided to wait until very last to color - - the one with Cinderella dancing with Prince Charming at the ball . Not only that , she tore it out of my book to give to Miss Go - Go Boots ! When I heard the page tearing and turned around to see what Joy was doing ( she sat right behind me , of course ) , I immediately burst into tears . Joy didn 't know what else to do but start crying too ! Well , Miss Powers took the two of us out into the hall , trying to figure out what had just happened . I was still crying and snubbin ' and wiping snot from my nose , while Joy is trying to explain her side . I don 't remember how that talk went between the three Posted by Today I made my sons ( and two visiting friends ) watch the 44th President of the United States of America take the oath of office . ( They were all out of school because of snow . ) I even made them watch part of his speech . I know that , one day , they 'll be helping their children study the presidents for a history test . And , I wanted them to be able to say , " I was watching when the first African - American president was sworn in to office . " Even though I did not vote for him , I wanted my sons to witness history unfolding . As we watched Barack H . Obama sit there on that podium , waiting to take that solemn oath , I reminded them that he is our president now . We may not agree with everything he does , but it is God 's command that we support him in our prayers and in our efforts to make this country a better place . As I watched the inauguration , I could not help but think how far our country has come in 40 years . When I was 8 years old , integration took place at Kimberly Elementary School . This upcoming change had been the talk of the town for a good part of the summer . But , once we walked through those double doors that September , it seemed like a non - event . They were just four nice kids . My favorite of these four new kids was Anthony Hamilton . Anthony was wonderful - - smart and funny - - and he treated everyone with respect and compassion . One day , while we were at recess , a few of the girls were being mean to me . This particular group 's favorite name for me was " fatty , fatty , four eyes . " Well , Anthony heard them and walked over and told them to leave me alone . Then he told me , " Don 't worry about those dumb ol ' girls . They don 't know nothin ' . " From that point on , Anthony was my hero . Two years later , Kimberly Elementary School got its first African - American teacher . Her name was Mrs . Freid . Once again the town was talking . But , to the best of my memory , once she arrived , everyone simply accepted her . I adored her . I considered her my reward for surviving two years of Mary Will Findley . Mrs . Freid was only the second teacher I ever hadPosted by So , if Sister Lee was the saint of the lunchroom , Mary Will Findley was the devil with horns of the 2nd / 3rd grade . I never could decide whether Miss Findley just hated teaching or simply delighted in scaring the pee out of us . She screamed at us all day , everyday . Her number one rule was that you had to " sit up straight " in your desk - - a feat not that easy for a girl who had gone from 20 / 20 vision to 20 / 100 vision apparently overnight . In order to even see what I was writing with my # 2 pencil on that wide - ruled paper , I had to get REALLY close to my desk . This got me a whack across the back with a yardstick EVERY TIME she caught me . Looking back , even her idea of " fun " was a little sadistic . During the hot Alabama days of September and May , she would line us all up outside , right under her classroom windows . Then , she would dip a rag down into a bucket of ice water and whack us across the face . For some reason , we LOVED this . We BEGGED , " One more time , Miss Findley ! One more time ! " You knew you had somehow miraculously scored rare brownie points with her if you were the one picked to take the erasers out and beat them against the big pine tree at the edge of the playground . The only parts of the school day I actually enjoyed were , of course , Sister Lee 's lunchroom , and reading . You see , chubby girls are usually very good readers . So , I was in the advanced reading group . This group consisted of me and my friend , Pam Nail ( who wasn 't chubby but was still a good reader ) . We would take the next level Dick & Jane books and go back into the cloakroom and read to each other . I loved that cloakroom . It was dark and warm , and I would snuggle into whatever jackets had been left on their hooks by forgetful second graders . ( After Pam 's mama got the Holy Ghost and was kicked out of the Kimberly Methodist Church , they started coming to the Church of God . So , she became the third " musketeer " with Joy and me . ) But , I digress - - back to Mary Will . Now , Mary Will did not like for children to bother her . You had to raise your hand ( a long tiPosted by Kimberly Elementary School . That 's where I got my primary - level education . ( Well , if you don 't count the year I went to Green Acres , but that 's another story for another time . ) Anyway , Kimberly Elementary was a square , brick building with six grades crammed into four classrooms . The way they managed that was to put the " smart " 2nd graders into the 3rd - 4th grade classroom ; they put the " smart " 4th graders into the 5th grade classroom . No matter how smart the 1st graders were , they got stuck with the " dumb " 2nd graders . ( There was no kindergarten in Kimberly - - maybe that 's the reason for all those " dumb " 2nd graders . ) Sixth graders had a room all to themselves ; probably because the 6th grade teacher was also the principal . . . You know what they say , " Absolute power corrupts absolutely . " When you walked through the front doors of the school , you found yourself in a wide , tall hallway with wooden floors that had been burnished to a dull brown from wax , dirt and chalk . The walls were ALL painted a puky shade of " peppermint , " which looked more like scum than mint . In this hallway , the water fountains were on your right and the stairs on your left . These stairs led down to the basement , which contained the girls ' and boys ' bathrooms , the furnace room and the lunchroom . From this lunchroom , the smell of Sister Lee 's baking yeast rolls wafted up those stairs every day of the school week . Sister Lee went to the Kimberly Church of God too . This fact had its rewards - - I believe I always got one of the biggest yeast rolls . But , the most delicious thing I got from Sister Lee was the knowledge that she loved me . Every day of the school week , as she ladled out heaping helpings of mashed potatoes , stuck - together mounds of sticky , white rice - - all of these loaded up with gravy - - and , of course , those delicious yeast rolls , she would say , " Hey , baby , Sister Lee loves you . " Even though she said this to every single child who went through that line , you somehow felt that you were special . " And , I just knew she meant every word . After all , she wPosted by " Joy is the serious business of heaven . " ( C . S . Lewis ) These wonderful words from Lewis and telling " The Night of the Nub " story caused me to think about my friend , Joy . As I mentioned , Joy and I grew up in a small southern town in a small Pentecostal church . . . and we were both " chubby " girls . Those last two facts meant we didn 't exactly fit in with the skinny Baptist girls . So , we sort of became the 1960s - holy - rollin ' version of " Thelma and Louise . " ( For those who might be offended by that remark , please read my " grateful disclaimer " from yesterday 's post . ) Joy and I stuck together . We sang together . At footwashin ' , we washed each other 's panty - hosed - feet together . Every Sunday night at the altar , we sought the Holy Ghost together ( at least every Sunday night that I didn 't complain of " not feeling good " so I could stay home with Daddy and watch " The Wonderful World of Disney . " ) Two things you need to know about Joy - - whenever she sneezed , she sneezed exactly two times - - the most high - pitched , delicate sneezes I ever heard . They made me think of a prissy , sneezing mouse . They always made me laugh ! And , when she laughed , you just knew that 's what God meant laughter to sound like . " Bubbly " is the word that best describes it . One summer , she talked me into going to Alabama Church of God Youth Camp . ( It seemed like a good idea at the time . ) So , we get there , find our cabin , and start unpacking our culottes . Well . . . I look over in Joy 's suitcase , and its halfway - filled with toilet paper . I panicked ! I had not brought any toilet paper ! So , I say , " Joy , were we supposed to bring our own toilet paper ? ! ? " To which she replied , " The list said we were supposed to bring toiletries . " I doubled over laughing - - mainly from relief that I wouldn 't have to go around borrowing toilet paper all week . ( I think Joy did have to borrow my shampoo and deodorant . ) Later that week , she had this great idea that we should take a canoe out on the camp " lake " ( which was really just a small , muddy pond ) . I should probably point out that neither of us had everPosted by OK , my friend Jeff e - mailed this morning . He saw my " twin " at Target in Trussville , AL , last night . So , he e - mailed me to tell me about it and reminded me of a funny story from our past . ( I 'm gonna share it with you to make up for the moroseness of the past few posts . ) Jeff and I grew up in Kimberly , AL , a tiny little town about 30 miles north of Birmingham . We grew up in the Church of God , which . . . in those days . . . meant that pretty much everything but going to church and eating was a sin ! But , man , could we eat ! And , we could also sing ! ( That wasn 't a sin as long as you sang out of the green - back hymnal , or at least nothing racier than the camp meeting songbook . ) ( Now , before you think I 'm making fun of anybody or anything , you need to know I 'm forever grateful for how I grew up . It is a part of who I am . Some of my best , funniest , happiest memories are because I grew in a small Pentecostal church in a small southern town . ) And , as I said earlier , " We could sing ! " My friend Joy and I had earned a reputation as " wedding singers . " Maybe it was because of our jammin ' performance at the Mortimer Jordan High School talent show , where we sang a killer arrangement of " Killing Me Softly . " ( For those who missed it , that was a pun . ) Anyway , one wedding we sang at required that Jeff ( pianist extraordinaire ) , Joy and I rehearse on a Wednesday night at an even smaller Pentecostal church . This little church had prayer meeting on Wednesday night , which , unfortunately , we weren 't late enough to miss . As soon as we came through the doors , the prayers invited - - OK , insisted - - that we come join the prayer circle . Well , chicken that I am , I got right in the middle of Jeff and Joy and grabbed their hands , leaving them to grab the hands of praying strangers . ( A prior experience at a nursing home had left me a reluctant hand - grabber . But that 's another story for another time . ) So , Jeff reaches for the hand of the man standing next to him , only to realize the man doesn 't have a hand ! Jeff looks at me with THE MOST SURPRISED , PERPLEXED LOOK ON HPosted by I started second - guessing my " post " yesterday . But , on the first day I did this " blog thing , " I decided I would be completely honest with myself ( and with whoever should stumble across it ) . I 've spent too many years sitting on church pews pretending I was OK . What I now know is that , had I gotten to know all those other OK - looking people , I would have discovered they were probably a lot like me - - just trying to be a normal - looking person on a normal - looking pew in a normal - looking church . But , as we 've already established , there 's really no such thing as NORMAL . So , I didn 't edit yesterday 's post . I help lead this Bible study on Thursdays . It 's a group of women who are all at different stages on this pilgrimage through this upside - down Kingdom . ( They each teach me something every week . ) Since August , we 've been looking at this HUGE thing called " Covenant . " What has blown me away is how completely dysfunctional God 's chosen people were ( and still are ) . It 's actually very comforting . Even the guy we 've been taught to hold up as a giant of faith , Abraham , actually had quite a stumbling - kind - of - faith at times - - not trusting God to provide during a drought . . . which led to lying about his wife ( twice ) , not trusting God to provide the promised child . . . which led to sleeping with his wife 's slave girl . . . which led to the child named Ishmael . . . which led to problems that fill our headlines today . . . but which are part of God 's unfolding story . As my friend M pointed out , " Nothing disqualifies us from God 's love . " God even used Abraham 's " biggest " failures as part of Abraham 's personal story and as part of God 's BIG story . I 'm sure Abraham could have related to these words by C . S . Lewis , which bring me comfort every time I read them : " No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time . We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home , but the bathrooms are all ready , the towels put out , and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard . The only fatal thing is to lose one 's temPosted by I think I 'm starting to calm down a little in my manic desire to make sure 2009 is better than 2008 . I wouldn 't be exaggerating to say that 2008 was a very bad year - - one filled with family sickness , deaths of family members and dearly - loved piano teachers , and betrayal by a long - loved friend that dragged on . . . and dragged on . . . and dragged on . . . for the entire year . ( It was like reliving some kind of " death " everyday . ) Long story short , I 'm tired of crying . . . . I 'm tired of this sometimes - overwhelming sadness at what has been lost . . . . I 'm tired of sighing . . . . I 'm tired of worrying about those I love who are hurting even worse than me . . . . I 'm tired of missing my friend . I want everything to go back to how it was before this nightmare began . There are still days when , out of the blue , the thought will cross my mind , " I 'm gonna wake up and this will all be a very bad dream . " . . . I 'm tired of not " waking up . " . . . I 'm tired of wondering , " What if . . . ? " But , as each day brings a little more perspective , I can see that 2008 was also filled with uncountable little graces . Everyday ( that I would let Him ) , Jesus was right there with me - - weeping on the floor , crying in my pillow , screaming to the air . He showed up in the pages of His Word , in the comforting hugs from my honey and boys ( whose hearts were also breaking over the losses we were experiencing - - they just weren 't as needy as me ) , in messages from friends ( who didn 't even know what was going on ) - - who just said I had been on their minds , and they wanted me to know they were praying for me and loved me . ( Sometimes we are Jesus to each other . ) In my almost - year - long grief , God has shown up in ways I would have never experienced without the pain . I haven 't gotten the answers I SO LONG for . I don 't know that I ever will , although I still pray for them everyday ( and , truth be told , most days I still cry ) . Today , in particular , I feel like I 'm the only one who 's holding on to this little glimmer of hope that anything can be restored if we 're willing to do the hard work of trying . . . the hard wPosted by OK , I got stuck on this word - - NORMAL - - yesterday . Mr . Webster defines it as ' conforming to the standard of the common type ; usual ; regular ; natural . ' I love my Jesus - lovin ' friend B 's definition - - ' ' I think normal is what we make or decide it is . Then we are either satisfied with the results or decide we got it all wrong compared to someone else . Therefore there is no normal , well according to my weird mind . ' ' That got me wondering , ' What does God 's Word say about this thing called NORMAL ? " I asked my Jesus - lovin ' - counselor friend M if she knew . She answered , " I 'd think it wouldn 't even be in the Bible since NORMAL is not a Biblical concept . " ( She 's such a blond smarty - pants ! ) Guess what ? M & B are right - - it appears there 's no such thing as NORMAL in this upside - down Kingdom . I was a little blown away to realize that NORMAL is not even mentioned in the Bible - - at least in the three translations I used on biblegateway . com ( NIV , NLT , NASB ) . So , I searched again using The Message translation . Even Peterson ( who sounds a lot more like " us " ) only mentions NORMAL 4 times , and all 4 mentions are in the context of circumstances returning to NORMAL , not us being NORMAL . I love the following passage from Jeremiah that points to a future NORMAL : " Pay close attention now : I 'm creating new heavens and a new earth . All the earlier troubles , chaos and pain are things of the past , to be forgotten . Look ahead with joy . Anticipate what I 'm creating : I 'll create Jerusalem as sheer joy , create my people as pure delight . I 'll take joy in Jerusalem , take delight in my people : No more sounds of weeping in the city , no cries of anguish ; No more babies dying in the cradle , or old people who don 't enjoy a full lifetime ; One - hundredth birthdays will be considered NORMAL - anything less will seem like a cheat . They 'll build houses and move in . They 'll plant fields and eat what they grow . No more building a house that some outsider takes over , No more planting fields that some enemy confiscates , For my people will be as long - lived as trees , my chosPosted by It 's still raining here in Knoxville . But , today 's the day . Today , I 'm going to run ( OK . . . WALK around the INDOOR track at church ) , lift weights ( everybody tells me I 've GOT to do that if I want to get back any muscle tone - - never mind that I never had much in the first place ) , get 2 years worth of pictures developed from 3 digital cameras ( that 's what I hate about digitial cameras ) , buy ( healthy ) groceries ( if I can even afford any after getting 2 years worth of digital pictures developed ) , straighten up the house , get started on those online PowerPoint and Excel courses , and finally make the call about volunteering to be a tutor . But first , I think I 'll put in a little more time on this thing called " posting . " It 's so much more fun than any of that stuff above . Over Christmas , I broke a promise to myself . I had promised myself that I wouldn 't buy any more books until I had read the half - read , third - read , unread stack that I already own . But , I couldn 't help myself . ( OK , I could , but I chose not to . ) I bought myself yet another daily - devotional - type book . ( To my credit , I meant to buy it for my brother - in - law , Shawn , whose name I drew for Christmas . ) But , as I was wrapping it , I made the mistake of flipping through it , and had to put up the paper , tape and scissors until I could go buy him another one . I tried to get " honey " to give it to me for Christmas so that I wouldn 't REALLY break my promise to myself . But , he wouldn 't fall for it . As I was sitting in my chair early this morning with all these daily devotional books piled around me , it occurred to me that if I had just received and then lived out the wisdom their Scripture offerings and other words have given me for all the years I 've been reading them , I would . . . . Well , I probably wouldn 't be sitting here typing on my new blog . I 'd be out making a difference in this upside - down kingdom . What keeps me here ? In this house ? Reading my pile of devotionals ? Fear ? Of what ? Failure ? Success ? Criticism ? Praise ? Or is this where I 'm supposed to be ? Is this " January stuckPosted by Today was going to be the day when everything about me started getting better , getting stronger - - my attitude ; my physical , mental and spiritual disciplines ; my . . . everything . But , rainy Mondays don 't offer any nurture to such noble ( but newborn ) plans . It 's one of those stuck , limbo days , when no five - day - old goals are achieved , no new ones are made . So , I think I 'll start a blog . It seems the thing to do . Everyone else is . I might as well . At least when honey asks , ' What did you do today ? " , I can answer , " I started a blog . " It sounds impressive . But what to name this thing ? This thing that perhaps me , myself and I will read . It needs to be something easy to remember , so that when the urge to " post " hits me in March or July or October , perhaps I can remember where the heck I put that darn thing . After all , I 'm the one who hid Baby Jesus from myself this year . The manger stayed empty . . . until January 3 when I found Him as I was packing up Christmas . He was in the tin where I keep the Christmas cookie cutters . It was like Christmas morning all over again when I opened it and saw him laying there . . . in the bubble wrap , wearing the knitted scarf my friend gave to Him last year ! I was so happy that I texted everyone who knew He had been missing ! To my credit , I hid him to protect him from friends who , for the past few years , decided it would be amazing fun to abduct Baby Jesus from the Christmas boxes ( way up in my attic ) at some point in mid - November and send Him on far - flung , fantasy adventures . ( You know who you are , L & J ! ! ) I 've received notes from Baby Jesus from Cairo , Paris , Graceland , Neyland Stadium . . . . You name it , He 's been there . So , in my paranoid efforts to protect Baby Jesus from these disturbingly funny friends , this year I crawled up in my attic in early November . . . only to end up " losing " Him . I 'm sure there are many sermons and teaching lessons in my actions , but writing them would require all the resolutions I haven 't kept . The irony was that I " lost " Baby Jesus only to learn that L & J never intended to mangerPosted by

Dear God , Sometimes I wish I could knew what you already know . I wish I knew how my kids lives are going to turn out . I am always wondering what the future holds . I guess I am just going to have to wait and see . I am grateful for everyday I wake up breathing . . . . simply because of my kids and family . The kids changed everything about me . Dear Halloween , I am shocked at how fast you popped up this year . With the kids growing up , we are having to find other ways to celebrate . Some might see it as not such a loving holiday but is fun for the little kids and we are going to make it fun around here tonight too ! Dear Laura , I wish we were there to watch your little ones go out ! I am sure it will be both fun and exhausting taking two toddlers out trick or treating but they will love it ! Send pictures ! Dear Scott , Have I mentioned I hate your hours at the new dealership . I know you are selling triple the cars but we miss you and want you home more with us . I don 't know what gives . One minute I am scared about you be home and not working and the next thing is I don 't really like the hours when you do go back . The car business is brutal and I wish you didn 't have to work so much . Dear Cold Weather , Yea . . . you know how I feel about you . And they said upper South Carolina might have snow today . Seriously . . . wtf ? I don 't feel like dealing with the fireplace today so I guess we will be using the heat . Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr . Dear Mom , Sorry you are feeling so bad . I hope today is better . Just take it easy and let Don take care of you . I love you . Dear Chris Christie , You might be the best chance the Republican Party has for winning the Presidency but I still don 't think you are the right choice . Your mafia attitude is just too unclassy for the White House . Seriously dude . . . its stops being funny after seeing you huff and puff over and over . Do us all a favor and just don 't run . Dear Shanna , Sorry we didn 't talk yesterday . That sure doesn 't happen often does it ? Call me when you get up . Love you bunches . Dear Jackson , Screwing around with your bedtime on school nights is not good . You can not stay up all night playing on your tablet and expect to do good in school . You will be tired and grumpy and not learn what you should . So put down the electronics and get some sleep at night . I love you . Dear Super Cooper , You must really be chasing something right now . Your feet are sound asleep , feet moving , doggie grumbling in your sleep . I am guessing you are chasing a ball or something . You know its about time to wake up and get a run in on the treadmill . The cooler weather should make it easier on you . Dear Nails , Everyone thinks you are fake . I guess I should take it as a compliment . I will have to do a video explaining what worked for me . But you are looking great and I love it ! Dear Laci Renee , You have such a busy fast life . I seriously can 't even begin to keep up with where you are or what you are doing . I am just happy things seem to be working out well for you with your job and relationship . Being with your best friend does make a huge difference . I love you . Dear Pedifiles , I think everyone of you who have molested and hurt kids who are out in the community should be locked up in jail until the holiday is over . That 's what our town did last year and I sure in the hell hope they are doing it again . Dear House , I have been slacking a little with you . The good thing is , you will wait for me . But it 's hard trying to keep you clean and perfect all the time . I have just kinda figured out that its still our home even on the messy days . Thanks for protecting us from the weather and keeping us safe day after day . I might want to move but I am grateful for you anyway . Dear Day , I have a lot I need to do today including running errands . If the days goes as planned , I have a lot to do . Gosh . . . . I am dreading it already because I am running behind . O - well . . . gotta dress warm and head out soon . Dear Sony Viao , I am so disappointed I can 't get another . Thanks a lot Sony for not making them any longer . Now I have to wonder into the laptop world and find the right one but I am just not sure . So I guess I better take damn good care of you ! Dear Body , Why are you cold all the time ? There are days when its 78 in the house and I am still chilly . Yea . I am just not made for cold weather . Please start to feel better . . . also get caught up on the sleep you so desire because I am tired of sleeping in late . I have things to do ! Dear Grandma , I miss you and seriously thinking about making you special Halloween popcorn balls . Gosh . . . I can 't count the times you handed me a popcorn ball on Halloween . I miss you and I 'll try to call you later today . Dear Dad , You enjoying the westerns I have been putting on upstairs during the day for you ? I imagine that Heaven is so beautiful that you don 't need to spend time around here but I can feel you . I think you hang around because you know how much I miss you and I think you probably miss me too . So enjoy the tv . . . . and come see me in my dreams . Dear Ocean , I miss you . One day we will be together again . I swear I am going to put my foot in husbands butt to move to you . Its time . . . actually its past time . Dear Jordan , I really miss you . Seriously do . I wish more than anything that you could get the courage up to simply say , " Hi Mom " and you 'll be amazed at how fast your life changes . Dear Romeo , I don 't think anyone will ever really know how special you are to our family . I love you kitty kitty . Dear Trick or Treaters , I hope you all have a wonderful night . Just don 't eat too much candy and get sick ! I hope you guys all remember to really brush your teeth before bed tonight too ! Dear Youtube & Bloggy Friends , You guys are such sweet readers and viewers . I love hearing from you and I love that you find this a soft place to visit when you have time . I hope you all have a wonderfully Spooky Friday ! Happy Halloween ! Continue Reading . . . » Hello friends ! I am back this evening with my Thankful Thursday post . I like this kind of blog post because no matter what is going on there is always something to be thankful for . Even though I post this one day of the week , but if you can 't wake up and find something to be thankful and grateful for each day , the fault is within yourself . Open your eyes and realize how many things there are to be grateful for . Here 's my list . Hope you enjoy ! Things calming down with Jackson at school . He 's not so happy about the measures we are taking to protect him but that is besides the point . If he is going to be in any school , we will go to any level to make sure he is protected . Plain and Simple . I am thankful for my wonderful subscribers who come back everyday and share our lives . I get so many emails and comments from other mothers and women who share in the same struggles , happy times , and life situations letting me know I am never alone . I can 't tell you how much that means to me . . . . I am so thankful . I am thankful my mom is doing better from having her wisdom tooth cut out . She called today . I didn 't realize she was having the procedure and she called today and I thought she was having a stroke or something . I was ready to call 911 until she started trying to explain why she couldn 't talk . Sigh . . . just thankful its only a tooth . I am thankful for my bad habit of just tossing the hot fireplace poker into the wood pile is changing . I would seriously use it and toss it right on top of all the wood stacked by the fireplace . Can you say . . . . FIRE HAZARD ? Yea . . . my dumbass is working hard on hanging it back up . I am thankful that our youngest kitty cat Cupcake is finally starting to act like a cat . It 's no secret that Romeo rules the roost around here but shy little Cupcake is coming into herself more and more . . . . even picking fights ! I am just happy she is starting to act like a normal kitty cat instead of a scared kitten . I am thankful that my oldest son is finally starting to reach out . Its been a difficult relationship but if he wants me to be his mother , he has to allow it . We miss him so much and are thankful that he is trying in his own ways . Hopefully he will get the get the courage up to come be apart of our entire family . I am thankful for the sleep I have been getting lately . For whatever reason . . . I have really been sleeping in later than what I want . But that tells me . . . . . my body is needing more rest . So be it . I am thankful that Eric Frein was captured today . You know the guy living in the woods like he was Rambo or something . He was a danger to that community in every way . So I am glad its over and now he can stand trial for the murders he did . Good Riddance . Enjoy your life in prison . I am thankful for my son 's friend Hunter 's parents . They seem completely normal . . get along great with us and its nice to know another family in the neighborhood . If I have to be here , I mise well make some friends . And they are pretty cool ! We are actually looking for houses elsewhere but who knows if we will really move or not . I am thankful that little Brittany Belle went and competed with the cheer team and it was their first time . They placed 6th but it still taught them a lot . They all know now how it works and can do better next time . We are still very proud of them . Brittany say 's it was one of the most stressful times of her life ( you know being 13 and all ) but she loved it and I am glad they worked hard enough to get there in the first place . You can find my princess with the little yellow heart under her . I am thankful that Trina and her husband is coming down for Thanksgiving . We miss seeing our family up north so much that we love it when we can all get together . So she is coming . . . and who knows which kids are coming but no matter who comes . . . . . we will have a wonderful time . I am thankful that my husband is trying so hard to get things right around here . Its hard being the head of the family and I know he has a lot on his shoulders . I am thankful for his effort . However , I miss him a lot . . . . as does Jackson . I am thankful that my sister is growing up in such a different way I did . She is younger , a free thinker , and I am proud of her . The same with our oldest daughter Laura too . I am thankful both those girls are doing well and making us proud . I am thankful for God listening to my many prayers . I am sure he wishes I would just shut up sometimes but I am thankful for a bigger energy that calms me . I call it God . . . and I know to take nothing in this life for granted . It could all be over in the blink of an eye . Last night we lost a family member on Scott 's side in a terrible hit and run accident . She left 2 children and a very hurt mother . So take nothing for granted . Each moment of the day is precious . . even the bad moments . As long as you are breathing you have a chance to do things better . I am thankful for the family time we had last night carving pumpkins . We had made it a tradition carving pumpkins together as a family . If you were to go back you will see how much better we have got over the years ! It 's fun and gave us some great memories hold on to . I am thankful that the spare bedroom is picked up again . I don 't know how a room we don 't use gets so messy but it does . I spent a lot of time in there last night cleaning up . It looks so much better which makes me happy ! I am thankful for the stars . So many late nights I let the dog out and wait looking up at those beautiful stars and moon that light up the sky . The beauty in a private quiet moment of star gazing is something everyone should experience . I am thankful that I have stuck pretty well to my October grocery budget . Right now . . . I could seriously go to the store but I am waiting a couple more days and dealing with it . I have cupcakes to make tonight or tomorrow and we are having a fun Halloween dinner . I already have everything needed so no need to go shopping . I hate budgets but if we are ever going to actually save money , I have to try to stick to one . My husband doesn 't like budgets either so its a challenge for us . The grocery was pretty easy to stick to . . . but its not so easy in other areas . One step at a time . For all the great companies who want to work with me . It seriously means a lot . I have been blogging for a long while and I love working with companies who are new to me and also who 's products I use and love . Its pretty nice . I always give honest reviews and I try to make them fun and easy to watch . If I love it . . . I love sharing it ! I am soooo thankful that Brittany Maynard has changed her mind about ending her life on November 1st . I tried . . . I really tried to get on board with her right to take her own life . At least while she is still functioning . I kept asking how does she know that November 2 , 2014 wouldn 't be a wonderful day if she didn 't take that pill . Wait . just wait . I support her taking it in the long run . Just wait though . And really it should be up to God when we go . Like or not , he intended us to be here for a certain amount of time . It just broke my heart and I am so thankful she is waiting . I hope you guys have a wonderful night . I am off to make a quick weeknight dinner . We have a bunch of tv shows that we love coming on tonight so we are going to cozy up to the warm fire and enjoy a night in front of the tv . See ya tomorrow . Feel free to let me know what you are thankful for by linking your blog post or video in the comments . xoxo Large Drugstore Haul - Video - Hello friends ! I am back tonight with a fun Large Drugstore Haul ! I have not been makeup shopping in a while so I dug out a old gift card and headed to CVS . If you want to see some of the new items I picked out , enjoy the video below ! Thanks so much for watching . Have you found anything new items at your local drugstore that you are loving ! ? Let me know . Wednesday Hodgepodge ! Happy Wednesday Friends ! Time for another Wednesday Hodgepodge with Joyce from over at From This Side of the Pond . . . . this is always such a fun linkup . . join in anytime ! Hope you enjoy . 1 . My hubs spent last weekend pheasant hunting . Are there hunters in your family ? If so , what do they hunt ? Which of the following have you tasted - pheasant , rabbit , venison , duck , goose ? Which of those would you most like to taste , or be most willing to taste ? I grew up in a hunting family but that didn 't turn me into a hunter . Really in this house we don 't kill anything for sport . Now my ex husband and father are deep in it but it 's just something I don 't really think we should do unless we are planning on eating it otherwise it 's just cruel in my eyes . 2 . What high spot have you visited that gave you a wonderful ' bird 's eye view ' of something below ? We live in the mountains so there are always great places to get a birds eye view of the area . One of our most favorite places with some of the most beautiful views I have ever seen have been at Lake Lure . We hiked hours up to that flag . . . exhausted ourselves but the views were simply amazing . 3 . Do you have any birds in your home ? These could be either real live pets or decorative , as in bird prints , knickknacks , fabric or pottery . Nope not a ton . I like birds but we have 4 cats and there is no place safe in the house where the cats can 't get to it . One time I even hung a big cage in the middle area of the room hoping the cats would cope and not get to it . . However , they were seriously swinging from the cage . I learned quickly there is nothing I can do to change a cat 's nature . And for some reason . . . keeping a caged bird inside doesn 't really feel right to me anymore . Maybe it 's the animal lover in me that just hates to cage any animal . I do really like birds though . . so I guess I am just going to have to live with the little song birds that sing to me on a daily basis in the spring , summer and even now . . they are still out there every day chirping and singing . I totally love it . I need to get out some bird feeders to help them while things start dying down for winter . I am sure going to miss them while its cold . 4 . Tell about a time you ' killed two birds with one stone ' ? Boy this one will shock you guys . But I recently found spy software that monitors everyone 's phone in the house . And that 's killing more than 2 birds . Yep . . husby and kids . And I don 't keep it secret either . I have trust issues and I would rather know than guess on just about everything . And to be honest it gives me a sense of peace to know they are telling me the truth and it also gives me the stark reality when they are being dishonest . In my home transparency is mandatory . Plain and Simple . And my little phone software is killing 4 birds with one stone ! : ) The other night I was squat down in the laundry room floor grabbing out clean towels from the dryer when I swore I heard my son talking to me . I even respond with something like " hold on " . . . I could hear him still rambling on about something and continued get them out . When I was finally done , I went busting into his room , asking about what he was saying and saw him sound asleep in bed . I can 't explain it but it sure spooked me and made the hairs on my arm raise . . . . so I guess that is kinda like goosebumps . Maybe I am going crazy and hearing voices but I really could hear him talking . Idk . 7 . Halloween is this Friday . . . any plans ? Did you trick or treat as a child ? Carve pumpkins ? Share your most memorable costume . Oh gosh . . . my most memorable costume would have probably been a smurf . I was painted all blue and it was messy and awful to get off . But I totally loved being a little smurf ! I was also a smurf in the fall school festival parade but that time it was super cold and I was miserable the entire time ! This Halloween I think Jackson might be going out with one of his friends . He didn 't want to go but now he does . . . . and I think I will be making some kind of spooky Halloween dinner ! I think its still fun to do that no matter if you have little kids or not . Its a great simple way for adults to celebrate without a big costume party or going out . Oh ! I think later this afternoon after school we are carving pumpkins ! Husby is going to be off work early so hopefully we have a good time doing that together ! 8 . Insert your own random thought here . I seriously can 't believe how fast October has gone by . Soon we will be in another polar vortex freezing our butts off . To me it seems like we barely had a summer and now we are entering the shorter days and its going to be just that much harder to find motivation . I really have some big jobs to do before it gets cold like cleaning out the garage and getting the deck winterized and so on . Another sign we are done with October is little Jackson 's birthday ! He turned 12 on Thursday . He is very eccentric and picky but we gave him the exact birthday he wanted and I think he was pretty happy with the way it turned out . He didn 't want a party . . but he had other birthday demands that were a breeze to do instead of party planning . I can 't believe he is already 12 years old . My daughter will be 13 November 2 . . . so the years are really passing by . No wonder I look different in the mirror now . Life is moving right along . . . . at a much faster rate than I ever expected . What ' 's Cookin ' Our Daily Meals - Video - 14 + Dinner Menu Ideas ! Hello friends ! I hope you are having a beautiful Tuesday ! I am back today with another What 's Cookin ' Video for ya ! I do these videos vlog style showing some of the prep and cooking . . . . not just your borning we ate this on Monday and so on . You will actually see a lot of the before had work and many of these meals are quick weeknight dinners anyone can make . Hopefully the video below gives you some ideas of some meals your family might like too . Enjoy ! I don 't really post recipes to go with a lot of these dinners . A few of the dinners are posted on my main channel that were in this video like the plated meals and the chicken broccoli quinoa bake . And don 't forget that you can get entered in the plated giveaway right here and I even have another giveaway going on with Bouqs flowers . . . click here for that video and giveaway ! If you have any questions about anything in the video be sure to let me know ! Have a great evening ! Continue Reading . . . » If you are a tea lover this freebie is for you ! Head on over to the Salada Tea Facebook page , give them a " like " and click on the " Encourage Prevention . Brew Hope " tab to get yourself a free sample of Salada Green Tea + a coupon . Also $ 1 donation will be made to the American Cancer Society in your name . Hurry before they are gone ! Continue Reading . . . » Week in Review October 20 - 27 , 2014 w / Day in the Life Vlog ! - Happy Birthday Jackson ! - Hello friends ! I hope you are having a wonderful Monday . As many of you know . . . I post a week in review recapping what happened over the week & weekend . Its something that I have been doing off and on for years . Its just a simple way to give you guys a glimpse into our weekend . I also vlogged a little each day which you can see in the video below . I have been trying to move all my video 's to my main channel including the vlogs but for right now I am uploading them to both channels . I think that is the best way to do it right now but eventually they will probably all move to my housewife life main youtube channel . I hope you don 't mind but I have been trying to figure out a way to make everyone happy . I don 't expect you to watch them twice but now you will be able to find my vlogs on both channels . ↓ Here it is ↓ Hope you enjoy ! More pictures and info below ! This Past Week : So this past week , was mostly about Jackson . He had his 12th Birthday and it pretty much took up a lot of our time . Its hard watching the kids grow up so fast but it is nice to see them mature and grow into their own little people . I started out the night before and got the breakfast table set up for the birthday to start his day off good . That also meant that I had to get up early and get the candles on his morning cupcake . Scott normally does the morning shift but this was a special day that I dragged myself out of bed , lit some candles and showed Jackson how much I love him . He didn 't get to eat the cupcake for breakfast but we put in it his lunch . : ) Once the boys left , the mess was much enjoyed by all the kitty cats . They loved it . . . but I had to watch out for them trying to eat the paper and strings . I was happy that his day started off well and I went back to bed . Later that evening we had another birthday celebration with Jackson 's personalized cookie cake . This year he wanted a cookie cake with " Jackson is the Best " with Hershey kisses around the outside ! How descriptive he was really was kinda funny . . . But he got it ! I can 't believe how fast the time is passing . Jackson just turned 12 . . . . Brittany Belle is soon to be 13 in less than a week so the years are passing us by . They are not babies any longer and becoming so much more independent . But I have a feeling the teenage years are going to be hell ! Over the weekend , I got a few projects done including cleaning many of my makeup brushes . They were totally overdue for a good cleaning which took close to an hour . When I was done I was totally happy to have fresh clean makeup brushes . I actually bought a few more . . . just stay tuned for a haul coming up soon ! For some reason our garage door stopped working . Scott is not too handy at all but I was glad he was able to get it fixed pretty easily . I guess some screws just came out . I really think most of the houses in our neighborhood were cheaply built . But that 's just me . And do you see those beautiful pumpkins ! ? Our new neighbor friends brought them over for us . How sweet was that ! ? Omg . . . I was shocked . They are huge ! ! We are going to have a lot of fun carving them this week ! Also this weekend Jackson went out with those sweet neighbors and their son Hunter to the lake to enjoy the day . It was exactly what Jackson needed . He loved it . I am really grateful they got him out doing things I normally don 't do such as fishing . I grew up horses but we don 't have any now so it was nice that he was able to get out and enjoy the beautiful day in nature . It was nicer than the day I had ! This weekend for me was kinda disappointing in few ways . Scott has been working a ton of hours at work . Seriously . Getting up at 6am , getting Jackson to school around 7 : 30 am and is working by 8am . He isn 't getting home until 8 - 8 : 30pm atClean up back deck . From my normal view in the living room , it looks like crap . Gotta change the view ! Update chalkboard walls with menu and life reminders for this week . Do my weekly cleaning on Tuesdays . I just think it will work out better . so guess what ! ? No cleaning today . : ) Get Brittany 's Birthday gift ordered . This year we are going for Uggs of course . Thank goodness I found a great deal on them . Menu plan for the upcoming weeks . Order more firewood this week sometime . Clean up and organize our spare bedroom . It really needs it . Make Jackson a Dr . Appointment . . . its time for a check up and flu shot . While the weather is still kinda of warm during the days , give all the kitty cats a bath . Even when I blow dry them , they stay cold for days . Remember forgiveness when it comes to my family . . . and patience . Quick clean up of coat closet . The boys have destroyed any kind of organization it once had . Deal with Jackson 's school system . . . . . which SUCKS . I am thinking of moving him to a Montessori school . . . but still not sure . Clean the railings on the stairs . Its amazing how fast they get dirty . Delete old shows off the DVR . . . . you know , to make room for new weekly shows ! Spend 15 minutes each day in the garage . I need to get it done before it gets cold . Laundry . . . . laundry . . . . laundry . . . I 'm always washing , drying , and putting away laundry . Work on the overwhelming job of sorting mail , filing , and paying bills . Remember to meditate in the mornings . . . sadly it did not happen today . Finish updating Sony drivers . I really want to make this computer run as good as possible and run as long as possible . I love this laptop and haven 't found another that I like yet . Scoop kitty boxes . . . . yuck . Try to stay ahead with the videos this week to make things easier . Pray more . I have a very close girlfriend who had me crying the other night when she told me they are pretty sure she has thyroid cancer . I grew up with her and she is seriously one of the best people and role models on the planet . I would be devastated if something happened to her . I am going to lift her so high in my prayers and I hope you will too . ♥ Pre order some Christmas gifts that I think a lot of family members will like . Call my sister . We haven 't talked in days . . . hummmmmm . what is going on with you Laci Renee ! ? Be grateful for the little things . Dump photos on phone . . . . its just running too slow . Brush Cooper out with shedding brush to get off a lot of that loose fur . And I need to continue to work his ass out on the treadmill . Carve Pumpkins on Wednesday ! We love doing that as a family . Get Jackson enrolled in Karate . Yep . . he 's going . I still need to cut the basil back . Another week has passed I haven 't done it . Dye hair . . . the grey is showing . Have more electronic free time . That 's hard when you blog and make youtube videos . Social media is everything . But disconnected sometimes is nice . Write letter to my sons Grandmother . . . I am not wanting to but it 's time . Make a fun Friday Halloween dinner ! Stay tuned for a Halloween Vlog ! Thank you to everyone who helped changed that GFC # for me . You will have to watch the video around 44 : 05 to know what I am talking about but the number has changed . . . Thank you . You guys are seriously some of the best blog and youtube friends on the planet . People ask me all the time why I do this . . . I do it because I love it and I also love the friendships I have formed because of it . Have a great week . Hi ! I 'm Kisha . Lucky mother to 3 amazing kids who are always teaching me something new ! Welcome to this happy place where I love to share my crazy , fun , loud , loving life . I blog and make videos all things mother , friend and woman . Thanks for stopping by ! Mission Statement : Use your voice . No apologies . We are all different and have been through different things , believe different things . . . . but whoever you are there is SOMEONE you can touch with your story . That 's what we hope to accomplish with our blog and youtube channel . Please do not re - distribute or re - host any of my content including pictures without prior permission from myself . Copyright © 2010 - 2016Disclaimer : Some ( but not all ) of the products shown on this website are sent to me by companies for consideration . This does not affect my opinion of the product ; my priority is to give honest reviews for my readers . I sometimes use affiliate links on this blog .

The Resuscitation of The Only DaughterCollected by Marie L . McLaughlin , edited by Dakota WindSTANDING ROCK , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Marie L . McLaughlin 's " Myths And Legends Of The Sioux . " The story of " The Resuscitation of The Only Daughter " is retold here with minor edits . There once lived an old couple who had only one daughter . She was a beautiful maiden and was much courted by the young men of the tribe but she preferred single life . She always had one answer to her courtiers ' romantic overtures to win her affection . " No . " One day the maiden fell ill , and her illness grew worse with each passing day . All the Waphíye ( Healers ) were called in , but no one could heal her , and she died two weeks after taking ill . Relatives and friends wrapped their deceased loved one in robes , and later blankets , then raised them onto a burial scaffold . There was great mourning in the wičhóthi ( camp ) . They wrapped her body in fine robes and blankets and took her far away from the wičhóthi , then they laid her upon a burial scaffold . After the funeral her parents conducted a Wíȟpeyapi ( a Give - Away ) in which they gave away all of their horses , fine robes , blankets , and all the belongings of the dead young woman . Then they cut their hair off close to their heads , and attired themselves in the poorest apparel they could secure . A year later the friends and relatives of the old couple asked them set aside their mourning . " You have mourned long enough , " they would say . " Put aside your mourning and try and enjoy a few more pleasures of this life while you live . You are both growing old and can 't live very many more years , so make the best of your time . " The old couple listened to their advice but would shake their heads and reply , " We have nothing to live for . Nothing would bring us pleasure since we have lost the light of our lives . " So the old couple continued mourning the loss of their daughter . " Funeral Scaffold Of A Sioux Chief Near Fort Pierre , " by Karl Bodmer , Two years had paThe film " Warm Bodies " explores the possibility of the undead returning to life through an act of love , but the story of " Resuscitation Of The Only Daughter " did it first . At this invitation their visitor entered slowly and sat down by the door . The visitor 's head was covered ; a fine robe was drawn tightly over her face . Wóle Wičháša 's wife dished up a fine supper , placed it before their visitor , and said , " Eat , my friend , you must be hungry . " The visitor never moved , nor did she uncover to eat . " Let us turn our backs towards the door and our visitor may eat , " Wóle Wičháša said . So his wife turned her back towards their visitor and cleaned some of their game . Wóle Wičháša filled his pipe , turned away and smoked in silence . Finally the visitor pushed her empty dish back to the woman , who took it , washed it , and put it away . The visitor remained at the door , not a sound came from her , and neither did she breathe . At last Wóle Wičháša said , " Are you the young woman that was placed upon that scaffold two years ago ? " She bowed her head in assent . " Are you going to sleep here tonight ? " asked Wóle Wičháša , " If you are , my wife will make a bed for you . " The visitor shook her head in negation . " Are you going to come again tomorrow night to us ? " She nodded affirmatively . Vermillion , or red ochre paint , can be acquired from a variety of sources such as red clay , or crushing hematite stone into a fine powder . For three nights in succession she visited Wóle Wičháša 's camp . On the third night Wóle Wičháša noticed that she was breathing . He also saw one of her hands protruding from the robe . Her blackened skin stuck fast to the bones of her hand . On seeing this , Wóle Wičháša arose and retrieved his medicine bag which hung on a tripod in the lodge . He opened it and removed some roots , skunk oil , and vermillion , then mixed them all together . Wóle Wičháša finished and offered , " " If you will let us rub your face and hands with this medicine it will put new life intoA Santee Dakȟóta floral medicine bag . After making more of the medicine Wóle Wičháša removed himself and left his wife to care for the young woman . When his wife completed the task she called Wóle Wičháša to return . He entered , sat down , and said to the young woman , " Tomorrow we will reach the wičhóthi . . Do you want to go with us ? " She shook her head in negation . " Will you come to our lodge tomorrow night after we have set up in the wičhóthi . ? " She nodded her head in assent . " Then will you see your parents ? " She nodded once more , rose , and disappeared into the darkness . Early the next morning they broke camp and traveled into the afternoon when they arrived at the wičhóthi . Wóle Wičháša 's wife immediately went to inform the old couple of what happened . At sunset the old couple came to the Wóle Wičháša 's tipi . They were invited in and were served a fine supper . George Catlin sketched a scene of a moving Lakȟóta camp . Catlin noted that horses and dogs alike were outfitted with travois , and the grand procession stretched for miles . Soon after they had finished eating , the dogs barked and growled in commotion . " She is returning now , so be brave and you will soon see your lost daughter , " Wóle Wičháša said . He had just finished speaking when she entered the lodge as natural as she was in life . Her parents met her with kisses and clung dearly to her . They wanted her to return home with them , but she wanted to stay with Wóle Wičháša who had brought her back to life . So , she married him , and became his second wife . A short time after taking the young woman for his wife , Wóle Wičháša joined a war party and never returned . He was killed on the battlefield . A year after her Wóle Wičháša 's death she remarried . Her second husband was killed in pursuit of some enemies who stole some of their horses . She married yet a third time and this husband also died on the battlefield . She was still a beautiful woman at the time of her third husband 's death . She never again remarrPosted by A panoramic view from atop a butte on Standing Rock overlooking Phalani Wakpa ( Grand River ) . The pictographs that appear on the butte are said to change with each visit . The Future Revealed In PictographsThe Mysterious ButteCollected by Marie L . McLaughlin , edited by Dakota WindSTANDING ROCK , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Marie L . McLaughlin 's " Myths And Legends Of The Sioux . " This story of " The Mysterious Butte " is retold here with minor edits . A young man was hunting and came to a steep hill . The east side of the hill suddenly dropped off to a very steep bank . He stood on this bank , and at the base he noticed a small opening . On going down to examine it more closely , he found it was large enough to admit a horse or buffalo . On either side of the door were figures of different animals engraved into the wall . He entered the opening and there , scattered about on the floor , lay many bracelets , pipes and many other things of ornament , as though they had been offerings to some great spirit . He passed through this first room and on entering the second it was so dark that he could not see his hands before his face , so becoming scared , he hurriedly left the place , and returning home told what he had seen . Upon hearing this the chief selected four of his most daring warriors to go with this young man and investigate and ascertain whether the young man was telling the truth or not . The five proceeded to the butte , and at the entrance the young man refused to go inside , as the figures on either side of the entrance had changed . " The Mysterious Butte , " artist unknown . Pictograph accompanies the story , " The Mysterious Butte , " in McLaughlin 's " Myths And Legends Of The Sioux . " The four entered and seeing that all in the first chamber was as the young man had told , they went on to the next chamber and found it so dark that they could not see anything . They continued on , however , feeling their way along the walls . They finally found an entrance that was so narrow that they had to squeeze into it sideways . TA sun symbol appeared on my visit to the butte . A smaller stone upon the larger features pictography as well . He returned to the camp and reported what he had seen . The next day an enormous herd of buffalo came near to his village and an adjacent village , and a great many were killed . The women butchered and dried the meat . One camp had butchered more than the other . In the camp with an abundance of meat there was a woman who hung meat upon a long tent pole which broke the pole broke in half . She was obliged to stand and hold the pole of drying meat , just as the young man saw on the mysterious butte . Ever after that the Indians paid weekly visits to this butte , and there read the signs that governed their plans . The tribe considered the mysterious butte to be their oracle . Posted by A Bashful CourtshipCollected by Marie L . McLaughlin , edited by Dakota WindSTANDING ROCK , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Marie L . McLaughlin 's " Myths And Legends Of The Sioux . " This story of " A Bashful Courtship " is retold here with minor edits which include spellings of Lakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . A kȟoškálaka ( young man ) lived with his uŋčí ( grandmother ) . He was a good hunter and wished to marry . He knew a wikȟóškalaka ( young girl ) who was a good moccasin maker , but she belonged to a great family . He wondered how he could win her . One day , Wikȟóškalaka passed by the wakhéya ( tipi or tent ) , where Kȟoškálaka dwelt , on her way to draw water from the river . Kȟoškálaka 's uŋčí was at work in the thipȟéstola ( tipi ) . Uŋčí wore an old worn pair of haŋpíkčeka ( moccasins ) . Kȟoškálaka sprang to his feet saying , " Quick , Uŋčí , let me have those old haŋpíkčeka ! " " My old haŋpíkčeka , what do you want of them ? " Uŋčí cried out in astonishment . " Quick ! I can 't stop to explain , " answered Kȟoškálaka as he took the haŋpíkčeka from Uŋčí and immediately put them on . He threw a robe over his shoulders , slipped through the door , hastened to the watering place , and met Wikȟóškalaka just as she arrived with her bucket . " Let me fill your bucket for you , " said Kȟoškálaka . " Oh , no , I can do it . " " Oh , let me . I can go in the mud . You surely don 't want to get your haŋpíkčeka dirty , " replied Kȟoškálaka as he took her bucket and stepped into the mud . He took exaggerated care in his steps so that Wikȟóškalaka could see his poor haŋpíkčeka . She giggled at the sight of them on his feet . " My , what old haŋpíkčeka you wear ! " Wikȟóškalaka announced . " Yes . I have nobody to make me a new pair , " replied Kȟoškálaka . " Why don 't you have Uŋčí make you a new pair ? " " She 's old and blind . And she can 't make them any longer . That 's why I want you ! " " Oh , you ' rPosted by The Origin Of The Bow And Arrow The First Battle By Ohíyesa ( The Winner ) , Dr . Charles A . EastmanGREAT PLAINS , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Dr . Charles Eastman 's " Wigwam Evenings : Sioux Folktales Retold . " Minor edits include spellings of Dakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . In both " The Great Race " and " The First Battle , " man gains dominion to hunt animals , but also to care for them and honor them . Both these stories feature the introduction of the bow and arrow . Now after some time it came about that the wamákȟaškaŋ ( animals ) became jealous of the greater wit of Boy Man , and as they feared that he would somehow gain mastery over them , they secretly began to plot against him . As the wamákȟaškaŋ schemed , Boy Man who questioned his čhiyé ( Older Brother ) , " Čhiyé , why do all the nations have weapons , such as spears upon their heads and daggers in their mouths , while I am unarmed and naked ? " He - Who - Was - First - Created sadly replied , " Misúŋkala , Little Brother , the time to give you weapons is now and I am sorry to do so . Now at last there is war in the hearts of animals and man . They are many and you are only one , therefore I am going to help you ! " Then he gave Boy Man a strong bow and arrows with flint arrowheads , then a spear with a flint head as well , and showed him how to use them . Afterward , He - Who - Was - First - Created tossed a pebble into the air which came down as a wall of rock and enclosed their dwelling . He tossed up another and another until he and Boy Man were defended by high cliffs on every side . Boy Man spread out his new weapons upon the flat tops of the cliffs . The stone heads were destined to be scattered far and wide when the battle was over , to be sought out and preserved by men as relics of the beginning of warfare . The story of the Great Race features a contest between the animals and man . In both stories , man receives supernatural aid and is given an edge over the animals . In " The Great Race , " man receives aid from the Uŋkčékhiȟa ( Magpie ) . The call to battle was announced by a single tȟatȟáŋka ( bison bull ) , running at top speed over the prairie . Tȟatȟáŋka assigned others to various roles in the attack . The čhápa ( beaver ) was ordered to dig trenches under the defenses of Boy Man , so that they might flood his dwelling . The maštíŋčala ____________________ [ i ] The original text reads , " Thus the animals were convinced that Man is their master . " While many sentences were edited , this line of text was significantly altered to reflect the first reference to man possessing wit , the creation of weapons , and man 's use of fire . Dakȟóta Story : Transformation & ResurrectionThe Return Of The Little Boy ManBy Ohíyesa ( The Winner ) , Dr . Charles A . EastmanGREAT PLAINS , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Dr . Charles Eastman 's " Wigwam Evenings : Sioux Folktales Retold . " Minor edits include spellings of Dakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . He - Who - Was - First - Created , the Lonely One , now took the form of an ičápšiŋpšiŋčala , a swallow , and flew down from the high cliffs , skimming over the surface of water . Within a sheltered cove among the pines , the water birds were holding a feast . Some were singing , some dancing , and that great medicine - man Huŋtka , the Loon , was among them , blowing his sacred whistle . The Lonely One - as - ičápšiŋpšiŋčala dipped down to the water 's edge and respectfully addressed Huŋtka , asking for some of the secrets of his medicine . Huŋtka was very kind . He taught him several mystery songs , and showed him how to treat the sick . " Now , " said the Lonely One , " If you will permit me to take your form for a short time , I will go down to the deep and try to cure Uŋktéhi and his wife of their dreadful wounds . " Huŋtka made no objection , so the Lonely One transformed himself into the form of Huŋtka , balanced himself upon the crest of a wave and gave his loudest call before he dove down into the blue water . There in the deep the water nations saw him as if he were sailing down from the sky . His path led now through a great forest of sea weeds , now upon the broad plains , and finally he came into a deep valley of the underworld , where he found everybody anxiously awaiting him . The Lonely One was met by Khéya , Turtle , who begged the Lonely One to make haste , for the chief and his wife were in great agony . " Let all the people retire , for I must be alone in order to work a cure , " demanded the Lonely One - as - Huŋtka as he entered the típi of the mniwátu , the water monster . All went away unwillingly , Khéya last of all . He told the others that he had heard the Huŋtka whisper as his hand touched the door flap , " Ah , my poor Misúŋkala ! My poor Little Brother ! " The door flap was made from the skin of the little Boy Man . Feeling suspicious , Khéya sent a little water snake to spy on the Huŋ ' tká . He - Who - Was - First - Created ignored the dreadful groans of Uŋktéhi and his wife , and at once took down the skin of his misúŋ , but as he did so , he saw the little water snake spying on him from behind the típi flap . A smooth green snake . He called the little water snake inside , and compelled him to tell where he should find the bones of Boy Man . The snake revealed the location , and as a reward , He - Who - Was - First - Created painted the little water snake green and declared that as the snake had served both sides , he should crawl upon his belly forever . He - Who - Was - First - Created gathered together all the bones of his misúŋ and removed them with him to dry land . There he immediately built a fire and heated stones for the first Iníkağapi , Sweat Lodge Ceremony . He also picked pȟežíȟota , which is sage , and gathered water in a large shell . He then wrapped the bones with the dry skin and built a low shelter of willow switches over the heated stones and bundle ; he covered the lodge tightly with green boughs , then picked up his shell of water , and thrust his right arm through the cover and sprinkled water and sage upon the heated stones . The steam arose and filled the lodge , and with the steam there came a faint sigh . He sprinkled water over the stones a second time and from within there came rustlings as if the bones were gathering themselves together . He sprinkled water a third time , and this time he could hear singing as if from a distance . Immediately after the signing , the little Boy Man then spoke in his own voice , begging to be let out of the iníthipi , the sweat lodge . Posted by User " Chuck " at Paleoplanet constructed a birch bark típi in 2011 . Interior shot of the smoke hole by Chuck . Check out his birch bark típi . The Little Boy Man Origin Of The Father Of The Human RaceBy Ohíyesa ( The Winner ) , Dr . Charles A . EastmanGREAT PLAINS , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Dr . Charles Eastman 's " Wigwam Evenings : Sioux Folktales Retold . " Minor edits include spellings of Dakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . At the beginning of things , He - Who - Was - First - Created found himself living alone . Uŋčí Makȟá , Grandmother Earth , was here before him , clothed in green grass and thick forests , and populated with the animal nations . At that time , all these nations spoke one language , and the Lonely One was heralded by them everywhere as he roamed over the world , both upon dry land and in the depths of the sea . One day , when he returned to his típi from a long wandering , he felt a pain in his left foot , and lo ! A splinter in the great toe ! Drawing out the splinter , he tossed it upward through the smoke - hole of the lodge . He could hear it roll and rattle down over the birch bark covering , and in the instant that it touched the ground , there arose the cry of a new - born child ! He - Who - Was - First - Created at once came forth and took up the infant , who was the Boy Man , the father of the human race here upon the earth . Now the little Boy Man grew and flourished , and was perfectly happy under the wise guidance of his Čhiyé , Elder Brother , and friend . Although he had neither até nor iná ( father nor mother ) , and only the animals for playmates , it is said that no child born of human parents has ever led so free and happy a life as he . In those days , there was peace between the animals and the Boy Man . Sometimes they challenged him to friendly contests , whereupon He - Who - Was - First - Created taught his misúŋkala , little brother , how to outwit them by clever tricks and devices . This he was often able to do , but not always , for sometimes the animals by their greater strength finally overcame him . Three birch bark tipis in Meadow , ND . One morning the Boy Man went out from his lodge as usual to the day 's occupations , but did notPosted by GREAT PLAINS , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Dr . Charles Eastman 's " Wigwam Evenings : Sioux Folktales Retold . " Minor edits include spellings of Dakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . Photo of Saddle Butte , near present - day Stanley , ND , by bobneugenbauer . Battle Of The ButtesWarfare At Saddle ButteAs told to Colonel A . B . Welch , edited by Dakota WindBISMARCK , N . D . - In the summer of 1860 , a war party of six Dakȟóta warriors advanced into Kȟaŋğí ( Crow ) country for the purpose of obtaining satisfaction for the death of a relative of the leader of the band . Having been successful in their undertaking and provided with fresh horses , they left the Heȟáka Wakpá ( Elk River ; Yellowstone River ) and cut across to the Makȟóšiča ( Bad Lands ) of the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá ( River Of Elk ; Little Missouri River ) and the intention of striking the head of Ožáte Wakpá ( Branching River ; Knife River ) and following its course to the villages of the Pȟaláni ( Arikara ) , where they expected to trade for some corn from these Indians ; then sell their otter skins which they had secured from the Kȟaŋğí , at Fort Berthold trading post at Fish Hook Ford , for powder and lead , and pass into the country of their relatives , the Iháŋktĥuŋwaŋna Dakȟóta ( Yanktonai Dakota ) , on the east banks of the Mní Šošé ( Water - Astir ; Missouri River ) . But their plans miscarried and , with the souls of explorers , they had held to the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá and , in December , had struck the great Mní Šošé at a point a few miles north of the confluence of these two streams . They had purposely avoided the mouth of the stream for , at that day , it was a favorite camping place of the Miwátani ( Mandan ) . Three and a half miles north of the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá is a commanding elevation which , by its peculiar shape , has always been known as Pahá Čháŋwak ' iŋ ( Lit . Saddle Butte / s ) . A half mile south of that butte is another one which is very steep and difficult to ascend and the summit is a perfectly flat area of perhaps two acres . Across the Mní Šošé from these buttes , and nestling among the brushy trees along the banks of a small stream called Mnitáŋ Wakpá ( Lit . Flood Creek / Rising Water Creek ; possibly Deep Water Creek ) , was a temporary winter hunting camp of Miwátani , Ȟewáktokta ( Hidatsa ) and Pȟaláni , who had come up from their comfortable round dirt lodges at Fish Hook Village , to lay in a stock of meat and skins . A few friendly Hóhe ( Assiniboine ) were camping with them . From the heights of the buttes on the western shore , the Dakȟóta scouts located the horses of their old - time enemies , and the band decided that they needed a few new horses to take home for the gift - giving dances which would take place upon their triumphant arrival at the thiyóšpaye ( band ) of their people along the Pȟaláni Wakpá ( Arikara River ; Grand River ) . Their plan was to cross the thin ice after dark and work the herd easily away , if the herd guards were not present . However , if an alarm were made , they would stampede the horses at once toward the east and keep them pounding straight in that direction until morning , when they would turn south and finally cross the Mní Šošé in the vicinity of the mouth of the Iŋyaŋ Wakağapi Wakpá ( Lit . Stone Statue River ; Cannonball River ) . The weather turned very cold in the evening and the members of the little party shivered around their small fire behind the butte during the afternoon and waited for the night to come . The fact that they had but a few rounds of ammunition for their heavy Sharps rifles and Springfield carbines , did not cause them much concern , for they did not anticipate fighting unless they were discovered by some late stroller when they were among the lodges after riding horses , in which case they expected to take coup , grab horses and , riding into the herd , stampede them by the waving of blankets and firing . The dark would veil their movements . At any rate , they were brave men and had been against the Kȟaŋğí , who were greater warriors than these village corn - eaters , whom they held in much contempt . They had struck terror to the hearts of the Kȟaŋğí and they would succeed in this small affair against these people who lived in dirt houses and looked to tall pickets for protection rather than fighting . When the low circling sun had settled below Makȟóšiča , darkness descended quickly and the six Dakȟóta crossed the ice without difficulty and approach the camp . But sharp eyes had noted their every movement as they boldly passed in among the scattered lodges . A woman or two walked among the shelters and sounds of a drum and dance songs came from one of the largest of them where the Miwátani were feasting . Several horses were standing in a group before a large buffalo tipi and towards these , the scouts advanced . But even as the audacious Thítȟuŋwaŋ [ 1 ] stopped to loosen the thongs by which the horses were attached to their picket pins , a wild yell and a shot was heard , and the lodges appeared to pour out armed men by the score . Tȟašúŋke Kȟokípopi [ 2 ] ( His Horses Cause Fear ) , who was the leader of the party , at once started firing into the mass of advancing villagers and yelled to his men to get the horses loose . But the knots were secure and , before they had time to slash the tough raw hide open , the crowd was upon them and they were compelled to retire or be overwhelmed . Shooting their way through the circle , they leapt into the tangled brush where pursuit was difficult and retraced their trail of approach where they reached the river bank without the loss of a single man . Their only safety now lay in getting across the river ice and gaining the western shore , before the pursuit became too close , from which place they could prevent their enemies from crossing after them . A few rifle bullets slashed the ice as they safely made the crossing , but to their great surprise their pursuers made no attempt to follow . This puzzled the Dakȟóta and caused them some uneasiness as they huddled around the embers of their old camp fire . The attempt to steal the enemy 's horses had failed , so they decided to follow the Mní Šošé down to the entrance of the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá and then enter Makȟóšiča south of that stream , where game was plentiful and cover in the gorges was easily found and pursuit would be very difficult even if the enemy followed in force . Meanwhile , a body of their enemies , consisting of about thirty Miwátani under the leadership of Red Star , a war chief , moved rapidly toward the south along the shores of the Mní Šošé for several miles and then crossed the ice to the western bank and , turning north , strung out along the banks of the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá where they maintained a close watch and waited for the day . Another band , made up of Pȟaláni under Sitting Wolf , also crossed the river and took up a position in the hills to the west of the Dakȟóta , and a strong force of Ȟewáktokta with Lean Bull at their head , and strengthened by a half - blood named Powder Horn ( His French name was Packineau ) , with a mixed body of Hóhe and others from the camp , filtered across the ice during the night and stayed close under the banks until daylight came . The six Dakȟóta were completely surrounded . Having recovered the horses which they had abandoned on the west shore , the Dakȟóta were led out of their uncomfortable camp before sun up by Tȟašúŋke Kȟokípopi , keeping some distance back from the river in the hills . Sensing danger at the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá , Kȟaŋğí Hó Wakȟáŋ [ 3 ] ( Holy Voice Crow ) was sent forward to scout out a safe place for the crossing and , as he cautiously approached , he was met by a flight of arrows from Red Star 's men , who crossed the river at once and started in pursuit of him . Signal yells were answered from all sides and Kȟaŋğí Hó Wakȟáŋ lost no time in rejoining his comrades . It became apparent to the Dakȟóta that they were in the middle of the circle of advancing warriors and that their chances of cutting through in safety to the rough country were small . They decided to make an effort to gain the butte behind which they had spent the night and there make their supreme effort . Owing to the cautious advance of the enemy , they did finally reach the foot of this steep - sided , flat - topped butte without any loss . The rush of the Dakȟóta to gain control of the summit had succeeded with the lost of but one man , and they yelled with derision at their enemies and dared them to come and take them . The northern Indians were seen to carry several bodies away during the day , and an effort was made in the afternoon to rush the Dakȟóta from all directions at once . But this was costly . The attackers were only too glad to retire before the heavy Sharps and Springfields of the men on the butte , and a number of me were carried across the ice to the village , but whether dead or wounded , the Dakȟóta could not tell from their position . The affair settled down to a siege ; the Dakȟóta were out of rifle ammunition and had nothing left except their clubs and bows and a few arrows , then they began to feel the effects of hunger and thirst and cold . They saw meat brought from the village to the several camp fires of the men on guard and the distressed Dakȟóta were taunted by the tȟóka ( enemy / enemies ) below with songs of victory and yells of vengeance . As the sun went down , the stinging cold of the night chilled the Dakȟóta upon the butte and the air became filled with fine snow , which was flung winds which swept the high place into the faces of the worried men and added much to their discomfort and dismay . A council was held and the five men decided that the only hope of escape was to make an attempt to break through the ring of tȟóka below . While it was true that their enemies could not reach them , the brave Dakȟóta decided to fight them below ; they would carry the fight to them ; if they should escape they could join their friends and relatives in the Dakȟóta camps ; if they died , their people would sing of their bravery and the story of their heroic death would be told by the evening fires . The men who gathered about the little fires in the middle of the night among the trees and rough lands dozed with their buffalo robes drawn closely about them and their heads upon their knees , but sprung to their feet by the whispered caution of the sentinels . Something strange was taking place upon the butte . An unseen Dakȟóta was singing his death song and as the song of death was carried to their ears by the shifting winds of the storm , it brought to them a sense of mysterious and intangible fear of the super - natural , and of the possible failure of their own " medicine . " But the strange Dakȟóta song was soon forgotten as old Black Bear , the Ȟewáktokta Medicine Man , began some ceremonies and the men danced and sang in honor of the Pȟaláni , Miwátani and Ȟewáktokta warriors who had met death that day . They leapt from the flat top to the icy sides and slid and tumbled to the very center of the amazed tȟóka . So suddenly had this even taken place that those desperate warriors killed many of them before the tȟóka had sufficiently recovered from their consternation to defend themselves . Then they swarmed to the attack and , in a few minutes , Čhaŋȟpí Sápa ( Black Tomahawk ) and Travelling All Over Warrior [ 5 ] were overwhelmed and killed , but a number of tȟóka also lay dead in the trampled snow to show with what fury these two Dakȟóta had fought . Kȟaŋğí Hó Wakȟáŋ and Tȟatȟáŋka Nážiŋ [ 6 ] ( Standing Bull ) were engaged in a terrific hand to hand combat with so many Pȟaláni and Miwátani that the tȟóka dared not use firearms against them for fear of killing their own men . The stone clubs of the Dakȟóta were used with terrible effect , but against such heavy odds they could not hope to win through and Tȟatȟáŋka Nážiŋ soon died from a blow with the butt of a rifle . The villagers subjected the bodies of these brave men to every indignity and , in their rage at losing so many men , cut and slashed the bodies in a frightful manner . The storm , which had lulled during the early morning hours , however , now arose to such fury that they were compelled to straggle across the ice to their camps for protection as well as to attend to their own serious wounds , which were many . The tȟóka were given over to mourning and grief and for once , the scalp dance of the women was not accompanied by the boastful stories of the warriors , and the victory had been purchased at so great a sacrifice in dead and wounded that no one had the audacity to propose a new name for anyone . The wailing of the grief - stricken women , who had cut off their hair and slashed their arms and breasts in token of the loss of their dead men and sons , was heard in their camp for many days . The white traders at Fort Berthold sold every white sheet and blanket they had , and the white - robed figures of those who mourned had not been so numerous since the great battle between the Pȟaláni and Thítȟuŋwaŋ [ 7 ] , which had caused the Arikara to go to live with their friends , the Miwátani and Ȟewáktokta at Berthold . A section of the Sitting Rabbit ( Mandan ) map of the Missouri River . This screen capture is of the map where the Little Missouri River converges with the Missouri River . Saddle Butte appears on this map . During this short , fierce battle at the foot of the icy slopes of the butte , none of the villages had noticed that only five Dakȟóta were accounted for . It is possible that they thought that one had escaped . But the sixth Dakȟóta had met with a remarkable adventure and one which saved him from the fury of the tȟóka . From the camp across the river came the sound of victory and celebration , and the wailing of the bereaved women . Wahíŋkpe Uŋ Ópi picked his way to the bottom and searched the bloody , trampled snow for the bodies of his comrades . The signs of a terrible combat were very plain and he counted the bodies of twenty - one tȟóka , scattered in the vicinity , before he succeeded in locating his four friends who had died there . Their bodies were all terribly slashed and unrecognizable from the mutilation they had received , except by the breech clothes they wore around their loins , and their moccasins . The body of Kȟaŋğí Hó Wakȟáŋ was discovered in the edge of the timber , some hundred yards away from the others , and the bodies of seven Miwátani , lying in a close ring around him , the price the enemy paid in their pursuit of him . Hastily filling a quiver with arrows and selecting a bow , he picked up a buffalo robe , then secured several pairs of moccasins from the dead warriors and , entering the timber , started for the south . He passed a still - smoldering fire where some of the tȟóka had passed the night and the day before and which they had vacated so soon after the Dakȟóta made their attempt to escape . He tied up a bundle of meat and , with renewed strength and hope , passed the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá and was soon lost to probable discovery and pursuit in the deep gorges and piled - up masses of Makȟóšiča . His plan was to strike the north branch of the Ožáte Wakpá at a point almost due south of where he was , then cross the short highlands to the south branch , leaving which he would travel up some small tributary , flowing in from the south and east , to its head then , after crossing another narrow watershed , he would follow down the first waterway he found , to Čhaŋté Wakpá ( Heart River ) . This river was the boundary line between the Thítȟuŋwaŋ and the tȟóka from whom he had just escaped . The high point , known as Pahá Kȟoškálaka ( Young Man 's Butte ) , would be his guide and he would look for that landmark to appear far to his right ; after he caught sight of that , he knew the country well and , provided that he did not meet with any tȟóka of the trail , he felt that his troubles were almost at an end . After a long and close inspection of his back trail for party of pursuers , he rested for some time in a jungle of high buck brush and ate some of the cooked meat which he had taken from the fires of the Miwátani . Much refreshed , and after another survey of the slopes and valleys from which he had come , he started once more upon his long journey . He now made his way to a long , gentle slope ; threw off his buffalo robe and started to sing . The song was in honor of his comrades and of their bravery and death and , after calling loudly each man by name , he raised his arms to the south and promised Wakȟáŋ Tȟáŋka ( Creator ; The Great Mystery ) that , as he had already taken a public vow to make the Wiwáŋyaŋg Wačhípi ( Sun Dance ) , if he should be fortunate enough to return from the war expedition with honor , in addition he would cut his arms and bleed in one hundred places when the vow was performed , and smoke seven pipes at seven different times . Together with fasting and purification ceremonies , if he were permitted to reach his people alive . He rearranged his robe so it might be discarded easily and shifted his arrow pouch to a better position . He was not afraid of any one man ; he would not turn aside or hide from one lone tȟóka , and held to his course . The other man had not appeared to fear him , either , and neither did he turn aside and , as they approached each other , both watched the other closely . Wahíŋkpe Uŋ Ópi identified the other man as a Pȟaláni from the manner in which he wore his hair , and could see that he was bloody and had been wounded in a fight . The two men passed within ten paces , and it was only when they had passed that Wahíŋkpe Uŋ Ópi saw a large knife sticking in the naked back of the Pȟaláni . He had a right to kill him or let him live , so he permitted the tȟóka to keep on his way , and he was soon lost to sight among the folds of the prairie hills . Later that evening the Dakȟóta came to the scantily - timbered south branch of the Ožáte Wakpá and was fortunate enough to kill a small rabbit and a number of prairie chickens in a snow - covered brush pile on the edge of a steep - cut bank . There was the framework of an abandoned summer camp close by and the willow top and sides were covered with snow and afforded some protection , so he entered and decided to spend the night there . But presently he heard voices and , listening intently , he was surprised to hear his own companions talking . " Now . This is the place and here is our brother , Wahíŋkpe Uŋ Ópi . He has beaten us to this old camp . We are all together now . He will be glad to see us . Perhaps he has something to eat . We will send some messages to our relatives . He will tell them how bravely we died . Let us go in at once and feast and rest with him . " He rushed out of the place and looked around . There was no one in sight . Frightened by these spirit voices , he once more started for the south and , a few days later , staggered into a camp of his own people in Pȟahíŋ Makȟóčhe ( Porcupine country ) , south of Iŋyaŋ Wakáŋğapi Wakpá . He was never able to tell the people anything of his journey after the voices of his dead comrades had come to him . For he could not recall a single incident after that time until he was discovered by a Dakȟóta rider in the Pahá Pȟahíŋ ( Porcupine Hills ) , far to the west of Íŋyaŋ Wosláta ( Standing Rock ) . The site of the well - known Indian battle has been marked by the tȟóka . At every place where a dead native lay is a pile of stones . These marking the spot where a Pȟaláni was found are built of white stones ; the Miwátani placed stones of a red color upon the graves of their dead warriors , and the Ȟewáktokta use another color for theirs .

The Resuscitation of The Only DaughterCollected by Marie L . McLaughlin , edited by Dakota WindSTANDING ROCK , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Marie L . McLaughlin 's " Myths And Legends Of The Sioux . " The story of " The Resuscitation of The Only Daughter " is retold here with minor edits . There once lived an old couple who had only one daughter . She was a beautiful maiden and was much courted by the young men of the tribe but she preferred single life . She always had one answer to her courtiers ' romantic overtures to win her affection . " No . " One day the maiden fell ill , and her illness grew worse with each passing day . All the Waphíye ( Healers ) were called in , but no one could heal her , and she died two weeks after taking ill . Relatives and friends wrapped their deceased loved one in robes , and later blankets , then raised them onto a burial scaffold . There was great mourning in the wičhóthi ( camp ) . They wrapped her body in fine robes and blankets and took her far away from the wičhóthi , then they laid her upon a burial scaffold . After the funeral her parents conducted a Wíȟpeyapi ( a Give - Away ) in which they gave away all of their horses , fine robes , blankets , and all the belongings of the dead young woman . Then they cut their hair off close to their heads , and attired themselves in the poorest apparel they could secure . A year later the friends and relatives of the old couple asked them set aside their mourning . " You have mourned long enough , " they would say . " Put aside your mourning and try and enjoy a few more pleasures of this life while you live . You are both growing old and can 't live very many more years , so make the best of your time . " The old couple listened to their advice but would shake their heads and reply , " We have nothing to live for . Nothing would bring us pleasure since we have lost the light of our lives . " So the old couple continued mourning the loss of their daughter . " Funeral Scaffold Of A Sioux Chief Near Fort Pierre , " by Karl Bodmer , Two years had paThe film " Warm Bodies " explores the possibility of the undead returning to life through an act of love , but the story of " Resuscitation Of The Only Daughter " did it first . At this invitation their visitor entered slowly and sat down by the door . The visitor 's head was covered ; a fine robe was drawn tightly over her face . Wóle Wičháša 's wife dished up a fine supper , placed it before their visitor , and said , " Eat , my friend , you must be hungry . " The visitor never moved , nor did she uncover to eat . " Let us turn our backs towards the door and our visitor may eat , " Wóle Wičháša said . So his wife turned her back towards their visitor and cleaned some of their game . Wóle Wičháša filled his pipe , turned away and smoked in silence . Finally the visitor pushed her empty dish back to the woman , who took it , washed it , and put it away . The visitor remained at the door , not a sound came from her , and neither did she breathe . At last Wóle Wičháša said , " Are you the young woman that was placed upon that scaffold two years ago ? " She bowed her head in assent . " Are you going to sleep here tonight ? " asked Wóle Wičháša , " If you are , my wife will make a bed for you . " The visitor shook her head in negation . " Are you going to come again tomorrow night to us ? " She nodded affirmatively . Vermillion , or red ochre paint , can be acquired from a variety of sources such as red clay , or crushing hematite stone into a fine powder . For three nights in succession she visited Wóle Wičháša 's camp . On the third night Wóle Wičháša noticed that she was breathing . He also saw one of her hands protruding from the robe . Her blackened skin stuck fast to the bones of her hand . On seeing this , Wóle Wičháša arose and retrieved his medicine bag which hung on a tripod in the lodge . He opened it and removed some roots , skunk oil , and vermillion , then mixed them all together . Wóle Wičháša finished and offered , " " If you will let us rub your face and hands with this medicine it will put new life intoA Santee Dakȟóta floral medicine bag . After making more of the medicine Wóle Wičháša removed himself and left his wife to care for the young woman . When his wife completed the task she called Wóle Wičháša to return . He entered , sat down , and said to the young woman , " Tomorrow we will reach the wičhóthi . . Do you want to go with us ? " She shook her head in negation . " Will you come to our lodge tomorrow night after we have set up in the wičhóthi . ? " She nodded her head in assent . " Then will you see your parents ? " She nodded once more , rose , and disappeared into the darkness . Early the next morning they broke camp and traveled into the afternoon when they arrived at the wičhóthi . Wóle Wičháša 's wife immediately went to inform the old couple of what happened . At sunset the old couple came to the Wóle Wičháša 's tipi . They were invited in and were served a fine supper . George Catlin sketched a scene of a moving Lakȟóta camp . Catlin noted that horses and dogs alike were outfitted with travois , and the grand procession stretched for miles . Soon after they had finished eating , the dogs barked and growled in commotion . " She is returning now , so be brave and you will soon see your lost daughter , " Wóle Wičháša said . He had just finished speaking when she entered the lodge as natural as she was in life . Her parents met her with kisses and clung dearly to her . They wanted her to return home with them , but she wanted to stay with Wóle Wičháša who had brought her back to life . So , she married him , and became his second wife . A short time after taking the young woman for his wife , Wóle Wičháša joined a war party and never returned . He was killed on the battlefield . A year after her Wóle Wičháša 's death she remarried . Her second husband was killed in pursuit of some enemies who stole some of their horses . She married yet a third time and this husband also died on the battlefield . She was still a beautiful woman at the time of her third husband 's death . She never again remarrPosted by A panoramic view from atop a butte on Standing Rock overlooking Phalani Wakpa ( Grand River ) . The pictographs that appear on the butte are said to change with each visit . The Future Revealed In PictographsThe Mysterious ButteCollected by Marie L . McLaughlin , edited by Dakota WindSTANDING ROCK , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Marie L . McLaughlin 's " Myths And Legends Of The Sioux . " This story of " The Mysterious Butte " is retold here with minor edits . A young man was hunting and came to a steep hill . The east side of the hill suddenly dropped off to a very steep bank . He stood on this bank , and at the base he noticed a small opening . On going down to examine it more closely , he found it was large enough to admit a horse or buffalo . On either side of the door were figures of different animals engraved into the wall . He entered the opening and there , scattered about on the floor , lay many bracelets , pipes and many other things of ornament , as though they had been offerings to some great spirit . He passed through this first room and on entering the second it was so dark that he could not see his hands before his face , so becoming scared , he hurriedly left the place , and returning home told what he had seen . Upon hearing this the chief selected four of his most daring warriors to go with this young man and investigate and ascertain whether the young man was telling the truth or not . The five proceeded to the butte , and at the entrance the young man refused to go inside , as the figures on either side of the entrance had changed . " The Mysterious Butte , " artist unknown . Pictograph accompanies the story , " The Mysterious Butte , " in McLaughlin 's " Myths And Legends Of The Sioux . " The four entered and seeing that all in the first chamber was as the young man had told , they went on to the next chamber and found it so dark that they could not see anything . They continued on , however , feeling their way along the walls . They finally found an entrance that was so narrow that they had to squeeze into it sideways . TA sun symbol appeared on my visit to the butte . A smaller stone upon the larger features pictography as well . He returned to the camp and reported what he had seen . The next day an enormous herd of buffalo came near to his village and an adjacent village , and a great many were killed . The women butchered and dried the meat . One camp had butchered more than the other . In the camp with an abundance of meat there was a woman who hung meat upon a long tent pole which broke the pole broke in half . She was obliged to stand and hold the pole of drying meat , just as the young man saw on the mysterious butte . Ever after that the Indians paid weekly visits to this butte , and there read the signs that governed their plans . The tribe considered the mysterious butte to be their oracle . Posted by A Bashful CourtshipCollected by Marie L . McLaughlin , edited by Dakota WindSTANDING ROCK , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Marie L . McLaughlin 's " Myths And Legends Of The Sioux . " This story of " A Bashful Courtship " is retold here with minor edits which include spellings of Lakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . A kȟoškálaka ( young man ) lived with his uŋčí ( grandmother ) . He was a good hunter and wished to marry . He knew a wikȟóškalaka ( young girl ) who was a good moccasin maker , but she belonged to a great family . He wondered how he could win her . One day , Wikȟóškalaka passed by the wakhéya ( tipi or tent ) , where Kȟoškálaka dwelt , on her way to draw water from the river . Kȟoškálaka 's uŋčí was at work in the thipȟéstola ( tipi ) . Uŋčí wore an old worn pair of haŋpíkčeka ( moccasins ) . Kȟoškálaka sprang to his feet saying , " Quick , Uŋčí , let me have those old haŋpíkčeka ! " " My old haŋpíkčeka , what do you want of them ? " Uŋčí cried out in astonishment . " Quick ! I can 't stop to explain , " answered Kȟoškálaka as he took the haŋpíkčeka from Uŋčí and immediately put them on . He threw a robe over his shoulders , slipped through the door , hastened to the watering place , and met Wikȟóškalaka just as she arrived with her bucket . " Let me fill your bucket for you , " said Kȟoškálaka . " Oh , no , I can do it . " " Oh , let me . I can go in the mud . You surely don 't want to get your haŋpíkčeka dirty , " replied Kȟoškálaka as he took her bucket and stepped into the mud . He took exaggerated care in his steps so that Wikȟóškalaka could see his poor haŋpíkčeka . She giggled at the sight of them on his feet . " My , what old haŋpíkčeka you wear ! " Wikȟóškalaka announced . " Yes . I have nobody to make me a new pair , " replied Kȟoškálaka . " Why don 't you have Uŋčí make you a new pair ? " " She 's old and blind . And she can 't make them any longer . That 's why I want you ! " " Oh , you ' rPosted by The Origin Of The Bow And Arrow The First Battle By Ohíyesa ( The Winner ) , Dr . Charles A . EastmanGREAT PLAINS , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Dr . Charles Eastman 's " Wigwam Evenings : Sioux Folktales Retold . " Minor edits include spellings of Dakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . In both " The Great Race " and " The First Battle , " man gains dominion to hunt animals , but also to care for them and honor them . Both these stories feature the introduction of the bow and arrow . Now after some time it came about that the wamákȟaškaŋ ( animals ) became jealous of the greater wit of Boy Man , and as they feared that he would somehow gain mastery over them , they secretly began to plot against him . As the wamákȟaškaŋ schemed , Boy Man who questioned his čhiyé ( Older Brother ) , " Čhiyé , why do all the nations have weapons , such as spears upon their heads and daggers in their mouths , while I am unarmed and naked ? " He - Who - Was - First - Created sadly replied , " Misúŋkala , Little Brother , the time to give you weapons is now and I am sorry to do so . Now at last there is war in the hearts of animals and man . They are many and you are only one , therefore I am going to help you ! " Then he gave Boy Man a strong bow and arrows with flint arrowheads , then a spear with a flint head as well , and showed him how to use them . Afterward , He - Who - Was - First - Created tossed a pebble into the air which came down as a wall of rock and enclosed their dwelling . He tossed up another and another until he and Boy Man were defended by high cliffs on every side . Boy Man spread out his new weapons upon the flat tops of the cliffs . The stone heads were destined to be scattered far and wide when the battle was over , to be sought out and preserved by men as relics of the beginning of warfare . The story of the Great Race features a contest between the animals and man . In both stories , man receives supernatural aid and is given an edge over the animals . In " The Great Race , " man receives aid from the Uŋkčékhiȟa ( Magpie ) . The call to battle was announced by a single tȟatȟáŋka ( bison bull ) , running at top speed over the prairie . Tȟatȟáŋka assigned others to various roles in the attack . The čhápa ( beaver ) was ordered to dig trenches under the defenses of Boy Man , so that they might flood his dwelling . The maštíŋčala ____________________ [ i ] The original text reads , " Thus the animals were convinced that Man is their master . " While many sentences were edited , this line of text was significantly altered to reflect the first reference to man possessing wit , the creation of weapons , and man 's use of fire . Dakȟóta Story : Transformation & ResurrectionThe Return Of The Little Boy ManBy Ohíyesa ( The Winner ) , Dr . Charles A . EastmanGREAT PLAINS , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Dr . Charles Eastman 's " Wigwam Evenings : Sioux Folktales Retold . " Minor edits include spellings of Dakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . He - Who - Was - First - Created , the Lonely One , now took the form of an ičápšiŋpšiŋčala , a swallow , and flew down from the high cliffs , skimming over the surface of water . Within a sheltered cove among the pines , the water birds were holding a feast . Some were singing , some dancing , and that great medicine - man Huŋtka , the Loon , was among them , blowing his sacred whistle . The Lonely One - as - ičápšiŋpšiŋčala dipped down to the water 's edge and respectfully addressed Huŋtka , asking for some of the secrets of his medicine . Huŋtka was very kind . He taught him several mystery songs , and showed him how to treat the sick . " Now , " said the Lonely One , " If you will permit me to take your form for a short time , I will go down to the deep and try to cure Uŋktéhi and his wife of their dreadful wounds . " Huŋtka made no objection , so the Lonely One transformed himself into the form of Huŋtka , balanced himself upon the crest of a wave and gave his loudest call before he dove down into the blue water . There in the deep the water nations saw him as if he were sailing down from the sky . His path led now through a great forest of sea weeds , now upon the broad plains , and finally he came into a deep valley of the underworld , where he found everybody anxiously awaiting him . The Lonely One was met by Khéya , Turtle , who begged the Lonely One to make haste , for the chief and his wife were in great agony . " Let all the people retire , for I must be alone in order to work a cure , " demanded the Lonely One - as - Huŋtka as he entered the típi of the mniwátu , the water monster . All went away unwillingly , Khéya last of all . He told the others that he had heard the Huŋtka whisper as his hand touched the door flap , " Ah , my poor Misúŋkala ! My poor Little Brother ! " The door flap was made from the skin of the little Boy Man . Feeling suspicious , Khéya sent a little water snake to spy on the Huŋ ' tká . He - Who - Was - First - Created ignored the dreadful groans of Uŋktéhi and his wife , and at once took down the skin of his misúŋ , but as he did so , he saw the little water snake spying on him from behind the típi flap . A smooth green snake . He called the little water snake inside , and compelled him to tell where he should find the bones of Boy Man . The snake revealed the location , and as a reward , He - Who - Was - First - Created painted the little water snake green and declared that as the snake had served both sides , he should crawl upon his belly forever . He - Who - Was - First - Created gathered together all the bones of his misúŋ and removed them with him to dry land . There he immediately built a fire and heated stones for the first Iníkağapi , Sweat Lodge Ceremony . He also picked pȟežíȟota , which is sage , and gathered water in a large shell . He then wrapped the bones with the dry skin and built a low shelter of willow switches over the heated stones and bundle ; he covered the lodge tightly with green boughs , then picked up his shell of water , and thrust his right arm through the cover and sprinkled water and sage upon the heated stones . The steam arose and filled the lodge , and with the steam there came a faint sigh . He sprinkled water over the stones a second time and from within there came rustlings as if the bones were gathering themselves together . He sprinkled water a third time , and this time he could hear singing as if from a distance . Immediately after the signing , the little Boy Man then spoke in his own voice , begging to be let out of the iníthipi , the sweat lodge . Posted by User " Chuck " at Paleoplanet constructed a birch bark típi in 2011 . Interior shot of the smoke hole by Chuck . Check out his birch bark típi . The Little Boy Man Origin Of The Father Of The Human RaceBy Ohíyesa ( The Winner ) , Dr . Charles A . EastmanGREAT PLAINS , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Dr . Charles Eastman 's " Wigwam Evenings : Sioux Folktales Retold . " Minor edits include spellings of Dakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . At the beginning of things , He - Who - Was - First - Created found himself living alone . Uŋčí Makȟá , Grandmother Earth , was here before him , clothed in green grass and thick forests , and populated with the animal nations . At that time , all these nations spoke one language , and the Lonely One was heralded by them everywhere as he roamed over the world , both upon dry land and in the depths of the sea . One day , when he returned to his típi from a long wandering , he felt a pain in his left foot , and lo ! A splinter in the great toe ! Drawing out the splinter , he tossed it upward through the smoke - hole of the lodge . He could hear it roll and rattle down over the birch bark covering , and in the instant that it touched the ground , there arose the cry of a new - born child ! He - Who - Was - First - Created at once came forth and took up the infant , who was the Boy Man , the father of the human race here upon the earth . Now the little Boy Man grew and flourished , and was perfectly happy under the wise guidance of his Čhiyé , Elder Brother , and friend . Although he had neither até nor iná ( father nor mother ) , and only the animals for playmates , it is said that no child born of human parents has ever led so free and happy a life as he . In those days , there was peace between the animals and the Boy Man . Sometimes they challenged him to friendly contests , whereupon He - Who - Was - First - Created taught his misúŋkala , little brother , how to outwit them by clever tricks and devices . This he was often able to do , but not always , for sometimes the animals by their greater strength finally overcame him . Three birch bark tipis in Meadow , ND . One morning the Boy Man went out from his lodge as usual to the day 's occupations , but did notPosted by GREAT PLAINS , N . D . & S . D . - The following story comes from Dr . Charles Eastman 's " Wigwam Evenings : Sioux Folktales Retold . " Minor edits include spellings of Dakȟóta words using the Lakȟóta Language Consortium 's standard orthography . Photo of Saddle Butte , near present - day Stanley , ND , by bobneugenbauer . Battle Of The ButtesWarfare At Saddle ButteAs told to Colonel A . B . Welch , edited by Dakota WindBISMARCK , N . D . - In the summer of 1860 , a war party of six Dakȟóta warriors advanced into Kȟaŋğí ( Crow ) country for the purpose of obtaining satisfaction for the death of a relative of the leader of the band . Having been successful in their undertaking and provided with fresh horses , they left the Heȟáka Wakpá ( Elk River ; Yellowstone River ) and cut across to the Makȟóšiča ( Bad Lands ) of the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá ( River Of Elk ; Little Missouri River ) and the intention of striking the head of Ožáte Wakpá ( Branching River ; Knife River ) and following its course to the villages of the Pȟaláni ( Arikara ) , where they expected to trade for some corn from these Indians ; then sell their otter skins which they had secured from the Kȟaŋğí , at Fort Berthold trading post at Fish Hook Ford , for powder and lead , and pass into the country of their relatives , the Iháŋktĥuŋwaŋna Dakȟóta ( Yanktonai Dakota ) , on the east banks of the Mní Šošé ( Water - Astir ; Missouri River ) . But their plans miscarried and , with the souls of explorers , they had held to the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá and , in December , had struck the great Mní Šošé at a point a few miles north of the confluence of these two streams . They had purposely avoided the mouth of the stream for , at that day , it was a favorite camping place of the Miwátani ( Mandan ) . Three and a half miles north of the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá is a commanding elevation which , by its peculiar shape , has always been known as Pahá Čháŋwak ' iŋ ( Lit . Saddle Butte / s ) . A half mile south of that butte is another one which is very steep and difficult to ascend and the summit is a perfectly flat area of perhaps two acres . Across the Mní Šošé from these buttes , and nestling among the brushy trees along the banks of a small stream called Mnitáŋ Wakpá ( Lit . Flood Creek / Rising Water Creek ; possibly Deep Water Creek ) , was a temporary winter hunting camp of Miwátani , Ȟewáktokta ( Hidatsa ) and Pȟaláni , who had come up from their comfortable round dirt lodges at Fish Hook Village , to lay in a stock of meat and skins . A few friendly Hóhe ( Assiniboine ) were camping with them . From the heights of the buttes on the western shore , the Dakȟóta scouts located the horses of their old - time enemies , and the band decided that they needed a few new horses to take home for the gift - giving dances which would take place upon their triumphant arrival at the thiyóšpaye ( band ) of their people along the Pȟaláni Wakpá ( Arikara River ; Grand River ) . Their plan was to cross the thin ice after dark and work the herd easily away , if the herd guards were not present . However , if an alarm were made , they would stampede the horses at once toward the east and keep them pounding straight in that direction until morning , when they would turn south and finally cross the Mní Šošé in the vicinity of the mouth of the Iŋyaŋ Wakağapi Wakpá ( Lit . Stone Statue River ; Cannonball River ) . The weather turned very cold in the evening and the members of the little party shivered around their small fire behind the butte during the afternoon and waited for the night to come . The fact that they had but a few rounds of ammunition for their heavy Sharps rifles and Springfield carbines , did not cause them much concern , for they did not anticipate fighting unless they were discovered by some late stroller when they were among the lodges after riding horses , in which case they expected to take coup , grab horses and , riding into the herd , stampede them by the waving of blankets and firing . The dark would veil their movements . At any rate , they were brave men and had been against the Kȟaŋğí , who were greater warriors than these village corn - eaters , whom they held in much contempt . They had struck terror to the hearts of the Kȟaŋğí and they would succeed in this small affair against these people who lived in dirt houses and looked to tall pickets for protection rather than fighting . When the low circling sun had settled below Makȟóšiča , darkness descended quickly and the six Dakȟóta crossed the ice without difficulty and approach the camp . But sharp eyes had noted their every movement as they boldly passed in among the scattered lodges . A woman or two walked among the shelters and sounds of a drum and dance songs came from one of the largest of them where the Miwátani were feasting . Several horses were standing in a group before a large buffalo tipi and towards these , the scouts advanced . But even as the audacious Thítȟuŋwaŋ [ 1 ] stopped to loosen the thongs by which the horses were attached to their picket pins , a wild yell and a shot was heard , and the lodges appeared to pour out armed men by the score . Tȟašúŋke Kȟokípopi [ 2 ] ( His Horses Cause Fear ) , who was the leader of the party , at once started firing into the mass of advancing villagers and yelled to his men to get the horses loose . But the knots were secure and , before they had time to slash the tough raw hide open , the crowd was upon them and they were compelled to retire or be overwhelmed . Shooting their way through the circle , they leapt into the tangled brush where pursuit was difficult and retraced their trail of approach where they reached the river bank without the loss of a single man . Their only safety now lay in getting across the river ice and gaining the western shore , before the pursuit became too close , from which place they could prevent their enemies from crossing after them . A few rifle bullets slashed the ice as they safely made the crossing , but to their great surprise their pursuers made no attempt to follow . This puzzled the Dakȟóta and caused them some uneasiness as they huddled around the embers of their old camp fire . The attempt to steal the enemy 's horses had failed , so they decided to follow the Mní Šošé down to the entrance of the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá and then enter Makȟóšiča south of that stream , where game was plentiful and cover in the gorges was easily found and pursuit would be very difficult even if the enemy followed in force . Meanwhile , a body of their enemies , consisting of about thirty Miwátani under the leadership of Red Star , a war chief , moved rapidly toward the south along the shores of the Mní Šošé for several miles and then crossed the ice to the western bank and , turning north , strung out along the banks of the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá where they maintained a close watch and waited for the day . Another band , made up of Pȟaláni under Sitting Wolf , also crossed the river and took up a position in the hills to the west of the Dakȟóta , and a strong force of Ȟewáktokta with Lean Bull at their head , and strengthened by a half - blood named Powder Horn ( His French name was Packineau ) , with a mixed body of Hóhe and others from the camp , filtered across the ice during the night and stayed close under the banks until daylight came . The six Dakȟóta were completely surrounded . Having recovered the horses which they had abandoned on the west shore , the Dakȟóta were led out of their uncomfortable camp before sun up by Tȟašúŋke Kȟokípopi , keeping some distance back from the river in the hills . Sensing danger at the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá , Kȟaŋğí Hó Wakȟáŋ [ 3 ] ( Holy Voice Crow ) was sent forward to scout out a safe place for the crossing and , as he cautiously approached , he was met by a flight of arrows from Red Star 's men , who crossed the river at once and started in pursuit of him . Signal yells were answered from all sides and Kȟaŋğí Hó Wakȟáŋ lost no time in rejoining his comrades . It became apparent to the Dakȟóta that they were in the middle of the circle of advancing warriors and that their chances of cutting through in safety to the rough country were small . They decided to make an effort to gain the butte behind which they had spent the night and there make their supreme effort . Owing to the cautious advance of the enemy , they did finally reach the foot of this steep - sided , flat - topped butte without any loss . The rush of the Dakȟóta to gain control of the summit had succeeded with the lost of but one man , and they yelled with derision at their enemies and dared them to come and take them . The northern Indians were seen to carry several bodies away during the day , and an effort was made in the afternoon to rush the Dakȟóta from all directions at once . But this was costly . The attackers were only too glad to retire before the heavy Sharps and Springfields of the men on the butte , and a number of me were carried across the ice to the village , but whether dead or wounded , the Dakȟóta could not tell from their position . The affair settled down to a siege ; the Dakȟóta were out of rifle ammunition and had nothing left except their clubs and bows and a few arrows , then they began to feel the effects of hunger and thirst and cold . They saw meat brought from the village to the several camp fires of the men on guard and the distressed Dakȟóta were taunted by the tȟóka ( enemy / enemies ) below with songs of victory and yells of vengeance . As the sun went down , the stinging cold of the night chilled the Dakȟóta upon the butte and the air became filled with fine snow , which was flung winds which swept the high place into the faces of the worried men and added much to their discomfort and dismay . A council was held and the five men decided that the only hope of escape was to make an attempt to break through the ring of tȟóka below . While it was true that their enemies could not reach them , the brave Dakȟóta decided to fight them below ; they would carry the fight to them ; if they should escape they could join their friends and relatives in the Dakȟóta camps ; if they died , their people would sing of their bravery and the story of their heroic death would be told by the evening fires . The men who gathered about the little fires in the middle of the night among the trees and rough lands dozed with their buffalo robes drawn closely about them and their heads upon their knees , but sprung to their feet by the whispered caution of the sentinels . Something strange was taking place upon the butte . An unseen Dakȟóta was singing his death song and as the song of death was carried to their ears by the shifting winds of the storm , it brought to them a sense of mysterious and intangible fear of the super - natural , and of the possible failure of their own " medicine . " But the strange Dakȟóta song was soon forgotten as old Black Bear , the Ȟewáktokta Medicine Man , began some ceremonies and the men danced and sang in honor of the Pȟaláni , Miwátani and Ȟewáktokta warriors who had met death that day . They leapt from the flat top to the icy sides and slid and tumbled to the very center of the amazed tȟóka . So suddenly had this even taken place that those desperate warriors killed many of them before the tȟóka had sufficiently recovered from their consternation to defend themselves . Then they swarmed to the attack and , in a few minutes , Čhaŋȟpí Sápa ( Black Tomahawk ) and Travelling All Over Warrior [ 5 ] were overwhelmed and killed , but a number of tȟóka also lay dead in the trampled snow to show with what fury these two Dakȟóta had fought . Kȟaŋğí Hó Wakȟáŋ and Tȟatȟáŋka Nážiŋ [ 6 ] ( Standing Bull ) were engaged in a terrific hand to hand combat with so many Pȟaláni and Miwátani that the tȟóka dared not use firearms against them for fear of killing their own men . The stone clubs of the Dakȟóta were used with terrible effect , but against such heavy odds they could not hope to win through and Tȟatȟáŋka Nážiŋ soon died from a blow with the butt of a rifle . The villagers subjected the bodies of these brave men to every indignity and , in their rage at losing so many men , cut and slashed the bodies in a frightful manner . The storm , which had lulled during the early morning hours , however , now arose to such fury that they were compelled to straggle across the ice to their camps for protection as well as to attend to their own serious wounds , which were many . The tȟóka were given over to mourning and grief and for once , the scalp dance of the women was not accompanied by the boastful stories of the warriors , and the victory had been purchased at so great a sacrifice in dead and wounded that no one had the audacity to propose a new name for anyone . The wailing of the grief - stricken women , who had cut off their hair and slashed their arms and breasts in token of the loss of their dead men and sons , was heard in their camp for many days . The white traders at Fort Berthold sold every white sheet and blanket they had , and the white - robed figures of those who mourned had not been so numerous since the great battle between the Pȟaláni and Thítȟuŋwaŋ [ 7 ] , which had caused the Arikara to go to live with their friends , the Miwátani and Ȟewáktokta at Berthold . A section of the Sitting Rabbit ( Mandan ) map of the Missouri River . This screen capture is of the map where the Little Missouri River converges with the Missouri River . Saddle Butte appears on this map . During this short , fierce battle at the foot of the icy slopes of the butte , none of the villages had noticed that only five Dakȟóta were accounted for . It is possible that they thought that one had escaped . But the sixth Dakȟóta had met with a remarkable adventure and one which saved him from the fury of the tȟóka . From the camp across the river came the sound of victory and celebration , and the wailing of the bereaved women . Wahíŋkpe Uŋ Ópi picked his way to the bottom and searched the bloody , trampled snow for the bodies of his comrades . The signs of a terrible combat were very plain and he counted the bodies of twenty - one tȟóka , scattered in the vicinity , before he succeeded in locating his four friends who had died there . Their bodies were all terribly slashed and unrecognizable from the mutilation they had received , except by the breech clothes they wore around their loins , and their moccasins . The body of Kȟaŋğí Hó Wakȟáŋ was discovered in the edge of the timber , some hundred yards away from the others , and the bodies of seven Miwátani , lying in a close ring around him , the price the enemy paid in their pursuit of him . Hastily filling a quiver with arrows and selecting a bow , he picked up a buffalo robe , then secured several pairs of moccasins from the dead warriors and , entering the timber , started for the south . He passed a still - smoldering fire where some of the tȟóka had passed the night and the day before and which they had vacated so soon after the Dakȟóta made their attempt to escape . He tied up a bundle of meat and , with renewed strength and hope , passed the Heȟáka Tȟa Wakpá and was soon lost to probable discovery and pursuit in the deep gorges and piled - up masses of Makȟóšiča . His plan was to strike the north branch of the Ožáte Wakpá at a point almost due south of where he was , then cross the short highlands to the south branch , leaving which he would travel up some small tributary , flowing in from the south and east , to its head then , after crossing another narrow watershed , he would follow down the first waterway he found , to Čhaŋté Wakpá ( Heart River ) . This river was the boundary line between the Thítȟuŋwaŋ and the tȟóka from whom he had just escaped . The high point , known as Pahá Kȟoškálaka ( Young Man 's Butte ) , would be his guide and he would look for that landmark to appear far to his right ; after he caught sight of that , he knew the country well and , provided that he did not meet with any tȟóka of the trail , he felt that his troubles were almost at an end . After a long and close inspection of his back trail for party of pursuers , he rested for some time in a jungle of high buck brush and ate some of the cooked meat which he had taken from the fires of the Miwátani . Much refreshed , and after another survey of the slopes and valleys from which he had come , he started once more upon his long journey . He now made his way to a long , gentle slope ; threw off his buffalo robe and started to sing . The song was in honor of his comrades and of their bravery and death and , after calling loudly each man by name , he raised his arms to the south and promised Wakȟáŋ Tȟáŋka ( Creator ; The Great Mystery ) that , as he had already taken a public vow to make the Wiwáŋyaŋg Wačhípi ( Sun Dance ) , if he should be fortunate enough to return from the war expedition with honor , in addition he would cut his arms and bleed in one hundred places when the vow was performed , and smoke seven pipes at seven different times . Together with fasting and purification ceremonies , if he were permitted to reach his people alive . He rearranged his robe so it might be discarded easily and shifted his arrow pouch to a better position . He was not afraid of any one man ; he would not turn aside or hide from one lone tȟóka , and held to his course . The other man had not appeared to fear him , either , and neither did he turn aside and , as they approached each other , both watched the other closely . Wahíŋkpe Uŋ Ópi identified the other man as a Pȟaláni from the manner in which he wore his hair , and could see that he was bloody and had been wounded in a fight . The two men passed within ten paces , and it was only when they had passed that Wahíŋkpe Uŋ Ópi saw a large knife sticking in the naked back of the Pȟaláni . He had a right to kill him or let him live , so he permitted the tȟóka to keep on his way , and he was soon lost to sight among the folds of the prairie hills . Later that evening the Dakȟóta came to the scantily - timbered south branch of the Ožáte Wakpá and was fortunate enough to kill a small rabbit and a number of prairie chickens in a snow - covered brush pile on the edge of a steep - cut bank . There was the framework of an abandoned summer camp close by and the willow top and sides were covered with snow and afforded some protection , so he entered and decided to spend the night there . But presently he heard voices and , listening intently , he was surprised to hear his own companions talking . " Now . This is the place and here is our brother , Wahíŋkpe Uŋ Ópi . He has beaten us to this old camp . We are all together now . He will be glad to see us . Perhaps he has something to eat . We will send some messages to our relatives . He will tell them how bravely we died . Let us go in at once and feast and rest with him . " He rushed out of the place and looked around . There was no one in sight . Frightened by these spirit voices , he once more started for the south and , a few days later , staggered into a camp of his own people in Pȟahíŋ Makȟóčhe ( Porcupine country ) , south of Iŋyaŋ Wakáŋğapi Wakpá . He was never able to tell the people anything of his journey after the voices of his dead comrades had come to him . For he could not recall a single incident after that time until he was discovered by a Dakȟóta rider in the Pahá Pȟahíŋ ( Porcupine Hills ) , far to the west of Íŋyaŋ Wosláta ( Standing Rock ) . The site of the well - known Indian battle has been marked by the tȟóka . At every place where a dead native lay is a pile of stones . These marking the spot where a Pȟaláni was found are built of white stones ; the Miwátani placed stones of a red color upon the graves of their dead warriors , and the Ȟewáktokta use another color for theirs .

When my mother was still speaking to me , for about 2 years or so , she kept telling me what a great mother she was to me . She bragged about forcing me to stand up to a bully in seventh grade ( she didn 't ) , taking me to the doctor when I sprained my foot in ninth grade ( as she should have ) & other ridiculous things . She also wanted me to validate her delusions , agreeing with how great a mother she was to me . For me , this used to make me so incredibly angry . How dare she want me to enforce her delusions & pretend I was never abused ! I felt invalidated , as if she was pretending the abuse she put me through never happened . God showed me something though . My mother doesn 't have any healthy coping skills , so this is what she does . She knows what she did to me is wrong , but rather than admit that , she goes into denial . She wants to convince herself she was a great mother , even going as far as to try to force me to agree with her . As ridiculous & dysfunctional as this is , it is her choice & her right . There is no law against having dysfunctional coping skills . That being said , that choice can be respected while not reinforced . There is no good reason to reinforce such delusions . It only allows the person to continue in their dysfunction while invalidating your own painful experiences . When approached by a narcissistic parent in this situation , I have found it best to remain as neutral & quiet as possible or to change the subject . Also never forget - this is the narcissist 's coping skill . It has nothing to do with you even though it feels like it does . It just shows how dysfunctional she is . Remembering that helps you not to take the comments so personally & to put the responsibility right back onto the narcissist . This is all about her dysfunction & lack of coping skills - all the responsibility & baggage belongs squarely on her shoulders , period , so leave it there ! Don 't take it on yourself - you deserve so much better than to carry her issues & shame . September 1 , 2016 · 7 : 30 AM Don 't Beat Yourself Up Over Your Mistakes I 've always had a knack for remembering dates . Even after the TBI I got in 2015 , I still remember many dates that have been important to me at some time in my life . For example , I got my first car on July 6 , 1989 . I moved out of my parents ' home on June 9 , 1990 . I met my husband on March 14 , 1992 & our first date was November 4 , 1994 . Remembering dates can be convenient sometimes , but it also can trigger some very unpleasant memories . For years , I beat myself up from August 23 until November 24 because that was the short time I was involved with a man who I thought was a good guy , but I was unhappy dating . When I told him I wanted to break up , he did his best to make me feel stupid & like a failure , which sunk in with me . I believed I ruined his life & was a terrible person for it . Many years later , I read that he shot & killed his boyfriend & then himself in their home . It finally clicked that maybe he wasn 't the good guy he portrayed himself as . I started remembering our short time together & realized that he was a very disturbed man . I didn 't have clues then to just how disturbed , though . In a way , learning this information was a good thing . I finally was set free from the guilt of leaving this man . It was as if I finally had permission to accept that leaving him was for my own safety . It also helped me to think about something … The disturbed man I mentioned ? I was only 19 , he was 28 when we dated . He was very controlling & I was so accustomed to being controlled , although it bothered me , I didn 't realize it was wrong . It was so bad , in fact , that I didn 't want to date him . I only did because he was pushy & my friend at the time said I should . After growing up with narcissistic parents , this behavior of allowing others to control me is pretty normal . I see that now , but for years , I told myself how stupid I was for this . I should 've known better . HOW ? ! How could I have known better ? ! I 've also beat myself up for not standing up to my parents more often , for tolerating way more than I should have . This also doesn 't make sense - they 're my parents ! Aside from the dysfunctional teaching I grew up with that said I deserve whatever is done to me , being parents puts them in a unique position in my life no one else shares . Most people are like me in that they are more willing to tolerate things from their parents than other people . Does this describe you as well ? Have you spent way too much time chastising yourself for things that really aren 't your fault ? If so , please stop it right now ! Everyone makes mistakes ! Those of us raised in abusive , dysfunctional environments tend to make even more than most people because we simply do not know any better . Frankly , it sucks , but it happens ! Do you realize that sharing stories of things you did & what you learned can encourage other people ? It really can ! I 'm hardly proud of sharing the things I have in this blog , but the good part is they encourage other people . I have the emails & comments to prove it . In a way , my mess has become my ministry . Not only the mess of my dysfunctional upbringing , but the mess of the dumb things I did as a result . That encourages me too , because I know it means my pain has a purpose . It wasn 't for nothing ! Your pain has a purpose too , Dear Reader ! If you don 't feel that way , then talk to God about it . He will reveal the purpose to you , & comfort you ! For one thing , interrupting is often done if the other person in the conversation is not discussing the narcissist or anything about the narcissist 's life . The narcissist will interrupt & turn the conversation back to what she wants to talk about - herself , her accomplishments , how talented she is , etc . Most people who have been interrupted allow the conversation to take the new turn , seldom returning to the original topic . Interrupting may seem not worth fighting over , but anything that provides a narcissist supply can make them want to use you more & more . That is why it is vital if you 're in any relationship with a narcissist to provide as little supply as possible . The more supply you provide , the more they will use & abuse you . Interrupting is pretty simple to deal with . My narcissistic mother uses this tactic constantly , & I have learned from her the best way to deal with it is not to deal with it . I ignore her as much as possible & show no reaction to her . If I 'm talking with someone else & she interrupts , I ignore whatever she is talking about , then when she is finished talking , resume the conversation she interrupted . Sometimes , she uses more unusual methods of interrupting . Once in a restaurant , my father & I were talking about a topic she wasn 't interested in . As we spoke , she picked up a napkin , held it to her nose & acted like she was blowing her nose , making loud , gross noises with her mouth . My father & I stopped talking , & she took the napkin away , & began laughing a very creepy , unsettling laugh . It was painfully obvious she did this to get attention , & it worked . Not only were my father & I looking at her , several others in the restaurant were as well . Thank God , He showed me immediately she just wanted attention , so I quickly resumed the conversation with my father , as if nothing happened . When ridiculous antics are her interruption tool of choice , I ignore them too . The same goes for nasty comments to interrupt . When she says something hateful , it 's obvious it 's just to gain attention / supply . Another example was during dinner with my parents & grandmother once many years ago . My mother told my father what to order . He said he wanted a change , & asked what I was going to get . I said the taco salad , & he decided to try one . When dinner arrived , he & I were talking . My mother looked at our plates & loudly said , " It looks like someone threw up on your plates . " I acted as if she hadn 't said a thing , & continued talking to my father . It annoyed her - my father reacted to her by giving her a shocked expression , but I ignored her . I 'm sure the goal was to get an equal reaction out of me . Once your visit is done , you 're going to be angry & / or hurt . Don 't hold it in ! Get it out by praying , talking with a safe person , or journalling . Maybe a combination of all of them . Whatever works for you . On our third anniversary , my ex - husband started a big fight . I needed time to calm down & think , so I left . When I came back , his mother ( we lived with his parents ) chewed me out for making him punch her wall after I left , & told me how I needed to fix this . I needed to apologize to him & never leave during an argument again . She also wanted me to apologize to her husband for making my husband so angry . You simply can 't survive things like this without learning that everything is your fault , and you deserve whatever you get . It 's your fault for making people act that way . You need to try harder . If the relationship is going to work , then you have to be the one who makes it work . It 's also not one person 's responsibility to make a relationship work . Relationships are not a one way street - they are a two way street . Both people need to be willing to work on the relationship , no matter what kind of relationship we are talking about . Whether the relationship is husband & wife , friends , relatives , co - workers or parent / child , both parties need to work on the relationship if it is to be a successful . One person simply cannot make it work , no matter how hard they try . Sure , one person can make the relationship work briefly , but it won 't last long . The one with all of the responsibility will become resentful quickly at best , or feel like a complete failure when it falls apart . You need to know today , Dear Reader , that not everything is your fault or your responsibility ! You have your own voice , your own feelings , & your own needs . Never let anyone convince you otherwise ! You have your own worth & value , no matter what anyone else says . February 23 , 2016 · 7 : 30 AM Trauma Changes You Trauma actually can cause physical changes in the brain . That is why PTSD & C - PTSD happen - the brain is actually broken due to traumatic experiences . The physical damage to the brain causes the awful symptoms of both disorders . In 2010 , my house was hit by lightening while my husband & I were at a friend 's wedding reception . When we came home we learned a window unit air conditioner had been hit , & caught fire , but somehow the fire went out . The neighbor 's tree beside our driveway , where my car sits , was hit , as was their brick chimney . There were large limbs & bricks surrounding my car , but nothing touched my car . Coming so close to losing my car , furkids & home was extremely traumatic . It made me appreciate them all even more . I constantly snuggle & tell the furkids how much I love them now ( sometimes to their disappointment . . lol ) . Cleaning my home & car also aren 't as big of a nuisance as they once were . Shortly after the lightening incident , upon leaving a store , my shoe got caught on the curb & flung me into oncoming traffic . Thankfully I was only sore & embarrassed , but that oncoming truck that came within inches of hitting me scared me ! It made me realize that life can change or even end in an instant . Since then , I take better care of my mental health now instead of ignoring when the C - PTSD flares up . I am less rigid in my routines , opting to do fun things whenever the opportunities arise . I also constantly reevaluate things in my life & am much more open to making changes than I was . The changes may not be as drastic as mine have been . Sometimes , it 's small changes . For example , since I developed C - PTSD , I am not as interested in knitting & crocheting as I had been . I loved doing both ever since I was five years old , so suddenly losing interest has been very strange to say the least . Have you changed as a result of trauma ? If so , you are completely normal ! It 's ok ! These changes may simply be a part of the new you . Why not embrace the changes ? You may discover new interests or a renewed passion for an old one . You may have a new appreciation for the people , pets or even things in your life . You may wish to end old relationships that aren 't beneficial to you or the other person , & that too is fine . It may be a good thing . Maybe it 's time for a fresh start . You also may change often , your likes or dislikes changing frequently . January 20 , 2016 · 7 : 30 AM For My Fellow Animal Lovers Who Have Lost Furbabies Tomorrow is a day I can 't forget . On January 21 , 2007 , I lost my sweet cat , Magic . He died quietly in my arms after over three years of dealing with heart problems , which was twice as long as vets expected him to live . Magic was very special . Not only was he my first cat , but he was also my soul mate . He was extremely in tune with me . He defended me when people were cruel to me . He comforted me when I was sad & snuggled me when I was happy . He was extremely intuitive , intelligent , fun , caring & a wonderful surrogate daddy to the other cats & dogs . It 's hardly a surprise that after his death , he was still special . . One day not long after losing Magic , I was listening to the soundtrack from the TV show , " Touched By An Angel . " Wynonna 's song " You Were Loved " came on . God spoke to my heart & said , " This is your & Magic 's song . He wanted you to know that . " Even now , I cry when I hear the song , remembering that precious moment . That wasn 't even the first time something like this happened . In December 2001 , I experienced my first kitty death . My sweet boy , Bubba died from FIV & emphysema at only age 9 . God gave me Lynyrd Skynyrd 's " Freebird " two days later . In 2002 after Sugar died suddenly & completely unexpectedly , God told me the same thing about Lonestar 's " Not A Day Goes By " There have been other songs too . In December 2010 when Vincent died , on my way back from burying him , the song " Someday We 'll Be Together " started going through my mind . God told me that was Vincent 's & my song . A similar thing happened the following year when Jasmine passed , except the song was Aerosmith 's " Angel " & in 2014 when Georgie passed with Steelheart 's " I 'll Never Let You Go . " My point in sharing all of this with you , Dear Reader , is to reassure you . Not only people go to Heaven or Hell . Animals do as well ! Mark 16 : 15 says to preach the Gospel to all creation or to every creature in every single translation I 've seen . This tells me that animals also can accept Jesus as their savior . This means they can go to Heaven & we will see them again one day ! I also firmly believe that death doesn 't mean that they no longer think of their humans once they are gone . I have no doubt they think of us & miss us as we think of & miss them . Otherwise , why would God have told me they wanted me to know that these songs are ours ? If you have lost lost a precious pet , please be reassured that your baby still loves you & thinks fondly of you . And best of all , you 'll see him or her again one day . I know it hurts more than you can describe when you lose a furbaby , but knowing you 'll see them again one day is very comforting . The songs I 've gotten are also quite comforting . Granted , not every single furbaby & I have a song , & I don 't know why that is , but the ones I do share a song with ? That song comforts me & helped me to get through the initial , devastating pain of losing them . If you haven 't experienced this , it may be a good idea to ask God about it . He certainly won 't object to it ! And , who knows ? Maybe you were too caught up in your grief to notice God gently trying to tell you about a song . It 's certainly possible to be grieving so hard , you don 't listen to God . I 've done that myself . January 14 , 2016 · 6 : 13 AM What Exactly Is Harboring Anger ? When you have been abused , you eventually get angry . It 's only natural . Many people think that this means you are harboring anger . It can be very discouraging & painful for you , because so many people will tell you you need to let it go , it was so long ago so why are you still holding onto this & other painful , invalidating things . Christians often will quote verses on forgiveness & make you feel guilty for being angry . I actually was told once by a Christian lady , " God says forgive so I do it . I don 't know what your problem is . " * sigh * I can 't even express how ashamed of myself I felt when she said that . The truth of the matter is anger is not easy to deal with . Some people are very blessed & are able to let it go easily , but they are pretty rare . The rest of us have to feel it , & get really angry before we can let it go . Often several times . Anger can also be somewhat deceptive . You can think you are done , you 've forgiven someone , when suddenly something triggers anger at that person all over again . I experienced that a few months ago regarding my ex husband . I thought I 'd forgiven him long ago , then after my mother bringing him up in conversation , it triggered a flashback which made me very angry at some things he had done to me . It was frustrating because I was sure I 'd completely forgiven him . Harboring anger also means you don 't care why the person hurt you - you only care that you were hurt . A mature person tries to understand why someone acted the way they did rather than only knowing their actions . They know if they can understand , even a little , it may help them to forgive the other person & not take on the blame for that person 's actions . Today I encourage you , Dear Reader , to examine your actions . Are you harboring anger or are you angry but trying to forgive your abuser ? If the latter , then please , stop listening to those who are trying to convince you that you are a bad person for feeling the way you do ! Ignore the ignorance of other people , & do what you need to do to heal & forgive ! December 15 , 2015 · 7 : 30 AM Healing From Narcissistic Abuse One thing I learned in the relationship with the narcissists in my life , in particular my mother , is that I am nothing but a screw up . My writing was never taken seriously . In fact , my mother told me once it 's " nothing but a waste of time . " She told my father that " no one wants to read that trash I write . " I 've also heard comments like all I do is play on the computer all day , & even been laughed at when I mention working ( as if being an author isn 't a job ) . I always heard , too , how I never did enough for anyone , & am too selfish . My mother used to tell me that to have a friend , I had to be one , & by that she meant do anything for others & let them use me . I had so - called friends who would get very angry with me if I wasn 't available when they wanted me to be or do whatever they wanted me to do . These narcissists also always made sure I knew that I was wrong because my personality was very different than theirs , I liked things they didn 't like or I disliked things they liked . They liked to either say outright or imply that I was crazy for such things . My mother 's favorite phrase was , " You need help " ( implying I was in need of psychiatric help ) accompanied by a pitying look . She even threatened to have me committed many times . ( Interestingly , she never once sought counseling for me , so started counseling on my own at 17 ) . All of these things were devastating to my self - esteem . I 've wasted so much time thinking I was a complete & utter failure in every possible way - a terrible friend . awful girlfriend then wife , lousy pet mom , & even a lousy author . Depressing doesn 't describe how this felt . But , I 'm sure I needn 't tell you this if you too have been subjected to narcissistic abuse . You know all too well how this feels . There is good news though ! You can be healed from this pain & dysfunctional way of thinking ! Philippians 1 : 6 says , " Being confident of this very thing , that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ : " And , 2 Corinthians 5 : 17 says , " Therefore if any man be in Christ , he is a new creature : old things are passed away ; behold , all things are become new . " ( KJV ) God 's word is very true ! I gave my life to Jesus in February , 1996 , & from that moment , I began to change & heal . God has been healing me from all the abuse in my life since then , & definitely has made me a new person . The wounded old me who was convinced she was crazy , worthless , stupid , & more is long gone . Thanks to God , I am healing daily , & have no doubt I 'll never return to that miserable , dysfunctional mess I once was . I may not be totally free of low self - esteem , but it is now much better than it once was & continues to improve . God can do the same for you . All you have to do is trust Him to take care of you , & He will . He loves you so much & wants to bless you . He wants you happy & peaceful . He wants to heal you from the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse . He certainly has done so for me . Sure , I still have a long way to go , but I also was extremely damaged . God , being the gentle , loving Father He is , heals me little by little , as I am able to handle it . He 'll do that for you as well - only give you what you can handle , as you can handle it . The silent treatment usually plays out in a similar scenario : You say or do something that offends the narcissist . Chances are , you 're unaware of it , but she certainly isn 't . She suddenly refuses to speak to you . You ask what 's wrong , & she ignores you , sends one of her flying monkeys to " talk some sense into you " in an effort to make you feel guilty , or she says some ridiculous comments to you such as , " you know what you did ! " or ( my personal favorite - my mother used this one in my teen years ) " If you don 't know , I 'm not going to tell you , " You are tormented wondering what you did that was so wrong . You are baffled . Then eventually , she graciously allows you to apologize . And , you may never know what your crime was . I went through this many times with my narcissistic mother when I was growing up . It used to upset me terribly . It 's very unsettling . I 'm a sensitive person & not knowing what I did that was so bad , it made my mother stop speaking to me was very hard . it was confusing , & made me feel like a bad person . As time went on , though , I began to see that this silent treatment was less about what I did , & more about my mother trying to manipulate me into doing what she wanted . This knowledge was very freeing to me . Once I realized this , I stopped worrying when my mother would give me the silent treatment & stopped trying to fix it . I knew that in time , if I left her alone , she would start speaking to me again , & act like nothing ever happened . This has become her routine . In fact , I 'm getting the silent treatment as I write this . My mother 's barely spoken to me in months . Why ? I have no idea . The last I heard from my father , she was mad because I don 't come to her house to visit . Interestingly , I haven 't been invited to come over since my father had problems last December & January , so I really don 't understand the logic . If you deal with a narcissistic mother who gives you the silent treatment , I encourage you to do as I have done . Stop asking her what is wrong when she gives you the silent treatment ! Let her pout & act like a spoiled child since that is what she wants to do . Instead of asking her what is wrong , ignore her & go on about your life . Enjoy the break from the drama . If your narcissistic mother 's flying monkeys come to talk to you ( triangulation is another weapon of narcissists ) , refuse to discuss the topic with them . Nothing good can come of it , so simply refuse to discuss that topic . Tell them you won 't discuss this topic & change the subject . Repeatedly if need be , but stick to your guns . October 28 , 2015 · 8 : 54 AM Why Don 't People Care About The Feelings , Needs & Wants Of Children Of Narcissistic Parents ? I 've realized just recently that all my life , many people have acted like my happiness means absolutely nothing . It 's like they think I am here to serve , & do so without any feelings or needs of my own . When my father was in the hospital a few years ago , & my mother wouldn 't tell his family or friends , I did via facebook . ( I also provided my parents ' phone number & asked people to tell other relatives what was happening . ) There are a lot of us Baileys , & I don 't have many people 's phone numbers or emails , so facebook was simply the easiest way for me to reach the most people . One person called my father in the hospital & told him I was a " spoiled little brat " for not calling her personally about this matter . Other people got upset & chewed me out for using facebook instead of calling them personally . No one got mad at my mother for failing to tell them anything , even though it was her responsibility to do so . No one took into consideration the anxiety I was under daily or how exhausted ( mentally & physically ) I was . I am reasonably sure that these kinds of situations happen quite a bit to those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents . The only reason I can come up with is because we are groomed from day one to be subservient . Our narcissistic parents firmly believe ( & instill the belief in us ) that we are put on this earth to take care of & please our narcissistic parent with absolutely no regard to our own feelings , wants or needs . As we grow up , naturally that relationship stays this way , but we extend this dysfunctional role to include others . Because we believe this is what we are supposed to do , we show others that we believe we deserve to be used & ignore ourselves . Often even good people will treat us the way we believe we deserve to be treated simply because it 's natural to treat people how you see they expect to be treated , good or bad . By saying this , please don 't think I 'm saying we get what we deserve when people mistreat or use us ! Not by any stretch . It 's still on an individual to control his / her behavior . Ultimately , it is the other person 's fault if they are abusive , period . To deal with this super annoying problem , I have found that getting healthier & increasing my self esteem has done wonders . I think because I no longer give off that " It 's ok to abuse me " energy . As I 've gotten healthier & my self esteem improved , I no longer have any patience for being abused , & I think people pick up on that . A genuine apology doesn 't include excuses . Someone who is genuinely sorry for their actions won 't say you made them act that way . That person also will try to change their ways as they don 't want to hurt you like that again . Narcissists hate to admit they are wrong , & will go to great lengths to avoid it . They will offer excuses as to why what they did was not their fault , or even blame you for making them do what they did . They love to offer the passive / aggressive type of apology - " I 'm sorry you feel that way . " " I 'm sorry you think what I did was wrong / unfair / hurtful . " All of these actions show that the narcissist is not genuinely sorry for what she did . Most likely , she doesn 't care that she hurt you & only cares that she accomplished whatever it was she wanted to accomplish . I also realized recently another trick of the narcissistic apology . My father has done this one many times & it wasn 't until recently I caught onto it . He recently apologized to me for not being there enough for me in my life . I was touched - there was no blame or excuses so I assumed it was a genuine apology . He apologized for missing my fifth birthday because he had to travel for work . I told him it 's fine - not a big deal , it was just a birthday . He went on to say how terrible it was of him , he shouldn 't have gone on that trip . Again I said it was no big deal . I pointed out how many other birthdays he was there for . It was only one birthday . Plus he did other things for me . By the end of the conversation , he was happy . While there are times I am more than willing to reassure someone who hurt me , this was not one of those times that was a good option . If someone accidentally hurt me once , fine . Bad things happen sometimes . But this was different . My reassurance would have been providing narcissistic supply . Unfortunately , I realized this after the conversation , & then I felt conned into telling him he was a good father . Whenever you hear a narcissist apologize to you , remember - it is NOT a genuine apology ! Don 't get your hopes up thinking they might finally see the error of their ways & change . The narcissist 's apology is like every other thing they do - it 's only about narcissistic supply . Unfortunately I don 't believe there is any way to avoid them entirely . All you can do is use wisdom on who you share your story with . Even when you do this , sometimes people may hurt you by invalidating your pain . To do this , you need to lean on God . Talk to Him about how you feel . He can handle it all & wants to be there for you ! Let Him be ! As for you . . you need to trust that what happened was bad . Admit it to yourself . No more excuses , no more telling yourself you 're oversensitive or weak . Narcissistic abuse permeates every part of a person 's being . It can destroy one 's self - esteem , perception of reality or even sanity . It is nothing to take lightly ! If you 're having trouble with this , write your story out . When I wrote my autobiography " Emerging from the Chrysalis " a few years ago , it was hard . Very hard . For the first time , I realized just how bad the abuse I have survived really was . Yet , as hard as it was to see things in black & white , it was very freeing too . It gave me a new perspective . I realized I 'm a very strong person . I also realized God must love me a great deal to have gotten me through all of that . It also helped me to see my parents as they truly are , instead of making excuses for their behavior or thinking I was the one with the problems - I really wasn 't oversensitive , overreacting , reading too much into things , etc . They have some serious problems & one of those problems is NOT me ! Once you are able to accept the truth about what you have gone through , healing will come . You will grieve , you will be angry , but these are necessary steps to freedom from narcissistic abuse . And , the more you validate yourself & heal , the less other people 's invalidation will bother you . I 'm not saying it won 't hurt sometimes - it 's only human to be hurt when your pain is trivialized - but it won 't devastate you as it once did . September 8 , 2015 · 7 : 36 AM " My " Truth vs . The Truth Have you ever heard the phrase " my truth " ? I heard it again recently . That phrase is said to describe what you believe . Whether it is really true or not , however , is inconsequential . I think it is used when someone is trying to convince themselves of something that they know is not true , which narcissists love to do frequently . If they say something is their truth , it implies the thing is true , so it 's OK to believe . As an example , my mother believes she was a good , loving , caring mother to me . That is her truth . She has convinced herself of it . It 's how she copes with her guilty conscious . She knows what she did to me was wrong & rather than accept responsibility for it , she reinvents the past & creates her own truth . She has convinced others of her truth as well . I know just how frustrating this is when you know the real truth & others insist that lies are the truth . Never forget - their truth is just that , theirs . It isn 't yours . So long as you know what the real truth is , that is what matters . Don 't let anyone sway you from what you know to be true . If you have any doubts , ask God to help you to see what the truth really is . He will do so ! September 6 , 2015 · 7 : 50 AM The Importance Of Realistic Expectations When Dealing With Narcissists When dealing with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder , realistic expectations are extremely important for the sake of your mental health . They will help you not to be constantly disappointed or hurt . They also will help you to be prepared for whatever may come , because you understand that this is how the narcissist in your life acts . For many adult children of narcissistic parents , adjusting their expectations to be realistic is very hard . It 's hard not to hope that this will be the time things are different , the one time that Mom actually cares about me or doesn 't insult my husband . It 's also hard to grasp that normal things - such as treating your child with basic respect - are things that no narcissistic parent wants to do . Realistic expectations of narcissists are very different than those of other people . Most people , you are safe in assuming that they will have some level of empathy , think of people other than themselves & not viciously criticize anything they wish to about you . Not so with narcissists . Let 's look at some features of a narcissist : So what are realistic expectations of a narcissist ? Basically , have no expectations . Never expect to be able to run to your narcissistic mother with your problems without her criticizing or mocking you . Never expect her to be able to genuinely celebrate your victories either . She may try to take credit for what you have done , ignore it completely or trivialize it . No empathy . It doesn 't matter if you broke a nail or are getting a divorce - your narcissistic mother will treat any problem you have exactly the same way . She won 't care . The good thing though is that if you keep in mind that your narcissistic mother is going to do these things , it will help you tremendously . You won 't be caught off guard by her outrageous behavior . You also can plan ahead of time how you wish to handle her outrageous behavior . You won 't be so hurt because you know it 's coming . September 2 , 2015 · 7 : 09 AM Illness & Injury In Adult Children Of Narcissists As many of you know , I got very sick in February . My fireplace 's flue wasn 't functioning right , which resulted in me getting carbon monoxide poisoning . At its height , I passed out , hitting my head on the log holder beside the fireplace , passing out for around 20 minutes & getting a concussion . It 's been a long six months living with all the symptoms , & I 'm still getting used to them . A few days ago , I felt really bad because of it . Everything on my body ached , especially my head , I was exhausted even though I hadn 't done anything tiring , my moods were all over the place & I kept forgetting things . Yet in spite of the obvious & annoying symptoms , I wondered if I was faking them ! This baffled me . I don 't know how to convince myself of the body aches or make myself moody . Besides , I was home alone - no one knew how I felt . What would be the point of faking it with no witnesses besides my cats & dog ? ! They weren 't going to tell anyone anything . So why would I think this ? I didn 't even get to ask God before He started showing me some things . I believe what I learned may help you as well . When I was 5 , my mother woke me up one morning by tickling me . To get away from her I hit my head on the edge of the bookcase headboard on the bed . She called the pediatrician who saw me then sent me to the ER . I ended up with several stitches & had lost a lot of blood . To this day , my mother says how hard that episode was for her . She also complains that when she took me to the mall after leaving the ER ( WHY ? ! ) I wanted new crayons & I already had so many . Seriously ? $ 1 . 50 on new crayons after that experience shouldn 't have been a big deal . In elementary school , I hurt my foot in gym class , & my mother wrote a note excusing me from gym . That teacher told me I 'd never amount to anything if I refused to participate . I was a failure , lazy & other cruel things . In fifth grade , I got the chicken pox . For whatever reason , it lasted 2 - 3 weeks & I was utterly miserable the entire time . My mother complained about being " stuck in the house " because of me , so my parents & I went out to dinner while I was sick . She told me to tell my friends she was taking me to the doctor if anyone saw me in the car as she drove out of the neighborhood . I never saw a doctor , by the way . She did get me two presents during that time , which made me think she actually did love me . Towards the end of ninth grade , I hurt my foot . One weekend several days later , my mother wanted to go window shopping & I said I 'd rather wait in the car . She brags that she knew if I wouldn 't go shopping , I had to be in pain , then she got me to the doctor a couple of days later . She later complained about how her mother 's day was ruined that year because I was on crutches & my father had hurt his back . During that time on crutches , my class was to visit the local high school to see where we were attending school the following year . My mother sent me to school that day , even knowing how big that campus was & I was on crutches . Then while trying to keep up with my classmates , I stopped using the crutches briefly & a classmate made fun of me " faking " it . When I was 19 & my mother threw me into a wall , I had pain for 10 years . For those 10 years , the only people who believed I was in pain were my chiropractor , my ex husband & later my current husband . The doctors , others I knew & especially my mother said I was faking the injury to get out of working , I was lazy , & I had a low threshold of pain . In 2010 , I lost several furbabies & was under a lot of stress . I got the flu 3 times , probably from the stress compromising my immune system . My mother & another person said it was my fault for not getting a flu shot . Last year , as my father was recovering from a stroke , I volunteered to help my parents get things done around their home on Sundays . Unfortunately , the arthritis in my knees didn 't appreciate it & I had to quit . I told my mother this & she ignored me . My father listened & understood . He mentioned it to my mother who called me & asked if I " really had arthritis like my father claimed . Had I even seen a doctor about this " Just one of many times she 's doubted I had something wrong with me . I never realized any of this until a few days ago . These false beliefs were so deeply ingrained in me that it took me until age 44 & healing from a life threatening situation to understand why I handle things so poorly when I 'm sick or injured . Aside from wondering if I 'm faking whatever the problem is , I try to cover it up so nobody knows I have the problem . I also trivialize it . For example , when I broke a toe last year , I said , " It 's just a broken toe . No big deal " even though it was my big toe ( which surprisingly sees a lot of activity ) & a year later , still hurts often . I also never used crutches or sought medical care . Dear Reader , please learn from my mistakes . If you too have a hard time admitting you 're sick or hurt when you really are , ask God to show you why . Chances are , you have stories similar to mine . If so , it 's time to reject those false beliefs that cruel people instilled in you . You are allowed to have problems , you are allowed to ask people for help in your time of need . You aren 't weak or looking for attention if you 're sick or injured - you are simply sick or injured ! Your pain is just as bad as other people 's & just as valid as other people 's . There is nothing to be ashamed of if you get sick or hurt . It happens to everyone at some point in their lives . August 9 , 2015 · 8 : 02 AM Balance Is Healthy In life , many people say out of balance things , such as always look for the positive or always listen to your heart . While this may sound good , it isn 't healthy . Sometimes , there is little or no positive to be found , & that is fine . Valuable lessons can be learned in negative circumstances , not just positive . And , listening to your heart is always wise , but logic must intervene at some point too . I know if I listened to my heart only , I would never accomplish anything around my home - I 'd spend my time writing , being creative , playing with the furkids & such without doing laundry or cooking . While that sounds amazingly fun , it 's also amazingly impractical . I just wanted to take a moment today to encourage you , Dear Reader , to have some balance in your life . So many of us who have survived narcissistic abuse have trouble in this area . We often put others ahead of ourselves even when it isn 't best for anyone involved , we give at the expense of our own selves or we even can become obsessed with learning about narcissism since it finally gives us the answers we 've been seeking . Think about your life - what areas are out of balance ? Do you listen to your feelings over logic every time ? Do you always make sacrifices for others while expecting nothing in return ? Are you a workaholic ? Do you read non - stop about narcissism ? Please stop those out of balance behaviors ! Balance is a good thing - it helps you to stay happy & healthy , two things you deserve . While working or doing for others are certainly admirable , you still need breaks from doing them . The same goes for learning about narcissism . You absolutely must learn about it if you wish to heal from narcissistic abuse , but even so , take breaks where you refuse to think about it sometimes . Narcissism is such a deep & negative subject - your emotions need breaks from thinking about it so you don 't plummet into depression . How do you achieve balance ? To start with , ask God to show you what areas you need to improve . Make any changes you know you need to do . Also , ask God to show you if you need to make further changes & to help you to do so . If you are close to someone who is also out of balance , you could see if this person wishes to be an accountability partner . You could be accountable to each other , discussing your situations & what you are doing . You could pray together , too . Listen to your heart . If you feel resentment or dread regarding certain tasks , that is for a reason . You may be focusing too much in that area . August 3 , 2015 · 9 : 30 AM How Long Does It Take To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse ? I have been asked quite a few times how long it takes to recover fully from narcissistic abuse . I believe it to be a lifelong battle , unfortunately . However , I don 't want to discourage you with that , because there is good news . Although it can be a lifelong battle , it does get easier ! You will stumble sometimes , but even so , you are constantly getting stronger as you heal . The more wisdom you gain about NPD & the effects of its abuse , the more strength it gives you . You finally realize it wasn 't your fault , & that you 're suffering the normal effects of abnormal treatment . There are times you feel stuck , as if you are always going to be depressed , anxious , or feel like you 're going crazy . But , the longer you have been healing , the less frequently those times happen . They , like depression , won 't last as long on the rare occasions when they happen . Your self - esteem soars . Sure , sometimes you may backslide into feeling like the worthless piece of garbage your narcissistic mother always said you were , but at least that isn 't how you constantly feel anymore . They 're merely fleeting moments . When you realize this dysfunctional thinking is happening , you remind yourself that isn 't true . Healthy self - esteem also stops the dysfunctional people - pleasing at your own expense ways many children of narcissistic parents possess . I want to encourage you today , Dear Reader , to change how you think about your recovery . While it may be a lifelong battle with no definite end , try to focus instead on the good that comes during your healing . Focus on each baby step , every bit of progress you make . Your narcissistic mother tried to destroy you , but she didn 't ! You are like a phoenix rising from the ashes . Little by little , you are getting healthier & happier . Maybe right now you aren 't where you want to be , & feel like you have a long way to go . How about instead focusing on how far you have come ? You are no longer that wounded , dysfunctional little child , but instead are a grown woman who is getting stronger & healthier each day ! August 1 , 2015 · 8 : 09 AM Healing Changes Relationships With Narcissists Healing from narcissistic abuse is good for you . You learn & you grow . You become more peaceful & happier . You become well equipped to deal with abusive & narcissistic people when they cross your path . I was thinking lately about the relationships with various narcissists I 've had in my life . The healthier I got , the more they changed . One dumped me , claiming I lied to her when I hadn 't ( in fact , she lied to me many times ) . Another suddenly became a victim when I refused to put up with her games , even sending her daughter to verbally attack me . Even the relationship with my parents has changed drastically . It used to be that my parents would call me often . My mother daily , my father a few times a week . We got together often , usually going to lunch or dinner . Then I started learning about narcissism & healing from its abuse . The communication became less & less frequent . Now , I honestly don 't remember the last time I went out with my parents . The last time we spent a lot of time together was when my father was in the hospital last December . They came to my home to visit me in April just before my birthday , but since my mother was behaving so poorly & I felt sick , I made them leave after only a short visit . As for the phone calls ? My mother called me once asking me to look something up on my computer for her ( my parents don 't own one ) & couldn 't get off the phone fast enough , then called a second time earlier this week for about half an hour . My father calls about once every week or two now , & the calls never last more than about 10 - 15 minutes where they used to last at least 30 . Healing has been tremendously helpful not only for me , but also in the relationship with my parents . Not only do I have to deal with them less often now , but they have moments of being civil with me now since I won 't tolerate the nastiness anymore . As narcissists , I know they 'll never be respectful like most people are , so I think of these moments when they 're civil as progress . It 's more than I ever expected . Granted , there are times when a narcissistic mother will become enraged by her daughter 's healing . She will lie about her daughter so she can cut her out of her life without anyone questioning it . However , it doesn 't always happen this way . Sometimes , what has happened with my parents happens with other narcissistic parents as well . Dear Reader , I want to encourage you today . If you 're still in a relationship with your narcissistic mother , continue to focus on your healing . It will benefit you immensely & it will change how she relates to you . It may improve your relationship with her as it has mine . At the very least , you can be sure she won 't attempt to control you so much , because she knows she can 't . The interesting part about that is although it will make her angry , she won 't be able to take it out on you . You 're doing nothing wrong , so she has no reason to rage unless she wants to look foolish , & we all know narcissists will do anything to avoid looking foolish . She may give you the silent treatment , but that isn 't such a bad scenario - it gives you a break from her drama for a while ! July 30 , 2015 · 7 : 59 AM Disliking Birthdays & Holidays Recently I was talking with one of my readers about holidays . She mentioned Mother 's Day in particular , & said how much she hates the day . Obviously , she has a narcissistic mother . Anyway , she said she has been working on changing her attitude & focusing on enjoying the day with her children , because she doesn 't like feeling this way about the holiday . It hasn 't gone well . Even after several pleasant Mother 's Days , she still isn 't a fan of the day , & felt guilty about her " failure . " I 'm no different . After countless awful birthdays , Christmases , & Thanksgivings , I couldn 't care less about those days . I have tried to enjoy my birthday at least , celebrating with friends each year for the last few years . It has been fun , until this year when I was sick & unable to celebrate . Also , my husband wasn 't able to leave work early like he was supposed to be able to do . We were going to spend the day together . Instead , I wasted my day waiting on him to come home instead of enjoying myself . My old feelings of wanting to ignore my birthday came back with a vengeance as a result , & I realized it may be permanent this time . I 've heard that it takes ten praises to eliminate the negative effects of one criticism . Honestly , I think it takes more . I also think that bad holidays are much like that - it takes a lot of really pleasant holidays to change your negative feelings . I also think that one negative one thrown in with the good ones can hinder changing how you feel . It can set you back . The reason I am telling you this , Dear Reader , is so that you won 't feel guilty like the lady I mentioned at the beginning of this post if your attitude isn 't better . Unfortunately this happens sometimes due to bad experiences , & beating yourself up about how you feel won 't help you improve your attitude ! If anything , it only makes it worse . So , Dear Reader , if you are dreading holidays or your birthday , I truly wish you the best with learning to enjoy those special days ! I pray you will be able to do so ! However , if you are unable to , please don 't beat yourself up over it ! Unfortunately it happens sometimes . Just know you are not alone in how you feel . xoxo July 28 , 2015 · 8 : 14 AM Narcissists Are Murderers When you are subjected to narcissistic abuse , you learn quickly that narcissists are murderers . Maybe not in the typical sense of the word as in they don 't try to shoot you , stab you or run you over with their cars but they are murderers nonetheless . They try to kill the person you are & recreate you into the person they want you to be - blindly obedient , enabling , having no needs , wants or feelings of your own . Basically , a robot here only to do their twisted will . God made you to have a special place in this world , blessing others & enjoying being who you are . The narcissist 's only reason for trying to destroy that & remold you into what she wants is selfish - to enable her dysfunctional & abusive behavior . Isn 't it worth shedding the narcissist 's image of you & embracing the person God made you to be ? Rediscovering yourself , or discovering yourself for the first time , is not easy when you are accustomed to being the narcissist 's robot , but it is worth the effort . It also is fun , learning about yourself . Just start paying more attention to your feelings on things - do you like that or not ? Are you drawn to things you never were allowed to pay attention to before ? Then why not explore those things now ? What do you have to lose ? Last February when I got very sick , it really caused me to re - evaluate my life . In my thirties , I tried to discover myself . I made some progress , but I abandoned the effort many times though , slipping back into old , dysfunctional habits . While recovering though , I realized I didn 't want to die knowing I had wasted my life being the person the narcissists in my life had tried to make me into . I didn 't like that person at all . So , I started exploring things that sounded appealing to me . I bought some clay & tried making various items . I tried felting . I also got back into drawing - something I loved to do as a child , but got away from . I feel much more peaceful & more confident doing things just for myself for the first time . I have become more self - confident , even when dealing with my narcissistic parents - I speak up to them more often now when I didn 't used to do so at all . ( Using wisdom of course , as many times speaking back to narcissists only causes more problems since they can 't handle criticism or confrontation ) . I have also begun to take better care of myself & be more understanding & forgiving with myself . Unfortunately , I also have been slipping back into the old , dysfunctional habits ! It 's so frustrating ! Like all emotional healing , it 's not a straight uphill path , but a windy one with a few big potholes . One thing helped me a lot , & that was a video I saw on facebook . It 's of Trace Adkins in the movie " Moms Night Out " talking to a lady about her feelings of not being good enough . Watching this brief video was eye opening to me , & I will be watching it over & over again to help keep me on track . I hope it blesses & helps you as it did me , Dear Reader . xoxo July 24 , 2015 · 8 : 52 AM Retroactive Justification & Other Dysfunctional Coping Skills Of Narcissists . My mother recently ended her silent treatment . She barely spoke to me for several months , & as usual , I don 't know why . It was an interesting conversation to say the least . Among things she said , she asked me if my ex husband ever hit me & I said he did , once . She never asked how badly I was hurt , just said if she would 've known she would 've called a lawyer . ( * sigh * She did know - she saw me all bruised immediately after it happened & made sure I knew she didn 't care in the least . ) Then she said , " His family was really religious though , weren 't they ? " I said no , his mother was . " So it was his father that was abusive ! " Not really - more neglectful than anything & wasn 't there much since he was an over the road trucker . She went on to say no one should be abused , it 's not fair to abuse people , abusers are bad people & other drivel . Later that night , I 'd been thinking of this part of the conversation & wondering why she was trying to justify my ex 's actions . I couldn 't come up with an answer for that one . But , I do believe that she was saying he was a bad person to justify why she abused me so badly when I wanted to date him when we were teens . In her mind , if he was a bad person , she was right in doing the horrible things she did to me in an attempt to keep me away from him . She used to tell me back then that she was saving me from myself , & probably this could reassure her that it was true . I thought of this as a sort of retroactive justification for her crazy , abusive behavior As my narcissistic parents have gotten older , I believe they are trying to cope with their abusive actions . Normal people would see the error of their ways , & apologize . They may even do something to try to make it up to their victim . Narcissists however , do nothing of the sort . They find alternate coping skills , because they refuse to accept the fact that they made mistakes or did cruel , hurtful things . While you hear plenty about their most common coping skills like projection , there are others you rarely , if ever , hear anything about . Reinventing the past into something nice - things didn 't happen the way you remember , according to the narcissist . They happened in a much happier , more pleasant way . My mother loves to talk about what a great mother she has been to me . Making themselves the victim - " I tried to stop your mother from hurting you , but she wouldn 't stop . " " He 's so much stronger than me . . there was nothing I could do to stop him . " " It was so hard on me , what she did to you " Constant chatter - Both of my parents are very talkative , but especially with me . They actually listen to others , but with me , it is pretty much non stop chatter & ignoring anything I say , especially my mother . I believe having an audience not only provides them with the coveted narcissistic supply , but also means I won 't have a chance to ask questions about why they did the things they did . Looking for comfort from you , the victim - my father is especially good at this one . When he finds out I 'm experiencing a crisis , he wants me to reassure him that I 'm ok & all will be fine . If anything comes up in conversation about abusive things my mother has done to me , it 's the same thing - he wants reassurance that I got through it ok . Twice I tried to tell him about me having C - PTSD , & twice he changed the subject . Money - my parents never were overly generous with money with me , but in the last few years , they have been very generous . I 've never asked my parents for help , but they have volunteered it several times during tight times for me . I believe it 's to appease their guilt . In my experience , I decided to let them have their coping skills rather than try to get them to face the truth . Nothing you can say or do will give them a " light bulb " moment . They 'll never say " You 're right ! I never should 've done that to you ! It was wrong & I 'm sorry . " So why try ? It 'll only frustrate & hurt you . Instead , I 've found it 's best for me to allow them to have their dysfunction . Besides , I know in my parents ' case , they aren 't very strong emotionally - I don 't know if they could handle facing the ugly truth about the awful things they 've done . While allowing them to use these coping skills , at the same time , I refuse to validate them . My parents have often wanted me to confirm their false beliefs , & I refuse to do so . I also refuse to acknowledge that they were incompetent , innocent , ignorant , had to do what they did , or the real victims . I may allow them to have those false beliefs , but I refuse to validate them & participate in the dysfunction . When my parents want comfort from me about my problems , I flatly refuse to give it . I ignore them , or change the subject . If it gets too bad , I 'll say , " I 'm the one with the problem . I can 't comfort you when I 'm the one who 's got the problem & am trying to figure out what to do about it . " ( notice I neglect to admit I 'm hurting or any feelings - this is because if I said I felt badly , it 'd feed their narcissism . They 'd end up hurting me even more . Never ever admit your feelings to a narcissist ! ) As far as the incessant chatter , I 'm not very talkative anyway , so it works for me not to have to create conversation . Besides , sometimes they do have very interesting things to say . Like most narcissists , my parents are very intelligent . Their conversations at time can be quite interesting . My father knows a great deal about WWII & the War Between The States . He also was a drag racer in the 50 's - 60 's . My mother knows quite a bit about varied topics , & enjoys crafts . I enjoy crafts too , so we can have some good chats about crafts we like . It can be a good thing when you can just sit back & let them do the talking , because you don 't have to try to come up with topics that won 't start an argument . Even knowing how to handle these dysfunctional behaviors , I still come away hurt or angry sometimes . My mother discussing the time my ex hit me made me physically ill for that entire day & the next , plus triggered a flashback . But , the good thing is this sort of thing is a rarity . Understanding their coping skills & finding ways to cope with them means this sort of thing isn 't the norm anymore . I no longer leave every conversation with my parents feeling devastated . In fact , understanding these things mean I usually only feel a bit frustrated or sad that things aren 't better . That is a thousand times better than feeling devastated or physically ill each time ! This really is about the best you can hope for when dealing with narcissistic parents . Probably this is partly why so many people think no contact is the only answer . While it is in many cases , sometimes no contact is impossible or not the desired result . My prayer is information like this will help those of you still in relationship with your narcissistic parents . July 22 , 2015 · 7 : 11 AM " They Did The Best They Could ! " The phrase , " They did the best they could " used to make me feel so guilty . I felt shame for being hurt or angry about the abuse I went through at the hands of my parents & ex husband . After all , my mother had a terrible childhood , abused by her narcissistic , evil mother & no contact with her father - how could she know how to be a good mother ? My father was in a near fatal car wreck at 15 , & has had problems stemming from the brain damage since , so that must be why he never felt able to intervene with my mother abusing me . As for the ex ? Not like his parents modeled a healthy marriage - no wonder he didn 't know how to be a husband . I 'm sure if you 've been the victim of abuse , you have heard the same tired phrase , & had the same kind of thoughts that I had . I think it 's only natural to think things like that under the circumstances . Today though I want to challenge that phrase regarding how it relates to your situation . If someone is really doing the best they can , naturally they are going to make mistakes just like anyone does . They will apologize & try to make the wrongs right somehow if possible . They won 't repeat that mistake over & over again , make excuses or blame you for making them do what they did . Now , think about the narcissist in your life . Does this sound like her ? If not , then you need to keep in mind that she really didn 't do the best she could ! Even if she had been abused or through hard times , that does NOT give an excuse to abuse ! If being abused made the victim become an abuser , you would be abusive . If you think she does not know what she 's doing , then think about this - does she hide the abuse from other people , only raging at you in private ? That is a sign she knows what she is doing is wrong . Rather than feel guilty because your narcissistic mother " did the best she could " , instead , I encourage you to have a more realistic view of her situation . In mine for example , with my mother - yes she was abused terribly as a child . Her mother continued abusing her as an adult . She 's been miserable married to my father for 46 years . I do feel sorry for her for those reasons . However , those reasons were NOT my fault or a reason to take her frustrations , anger & hurt out on me , to expect to be able to live the life she actually wanted through me . As her daughter , it was never my job to make her happy , although she expected that . She also knew then & still knows how she treats me is wrong . I know this because she always worked hard to hide her actions from everyone , including my father . Looking at my situation logically like this has helped me to no longer feel guilty when someone says that she did the best she could . It will help you as well . There is no good reason for you to feel bad when some insensitive , naive person says that obnoxious phrase to you ! Don 't accept their delusion as your reality ! July 20 , 2015 · 8 : 09 AM Telling The Truth About Narcissistic Abuse Growing up , I think my situation was very typical of many children who have narcissistic parents in some ways . Mainly in one way - secrecy was of the utmost importance . My mother never clearly said don 't tell anyone what she was doing to me , but somehow , I always knew telling would be a big mistake . When I turned 17 & wanted to start dating , her abuse magnified . She was losing control of me & was less than thrilled with that fact . That is when she began to scream at me on a daily basis , making sure I spent my school & work lunch breaks with her , & she even had someone at my school report to her daily what I did during the day when she wasn 't around . It was a bad , bad time for me . I tried to talk a little about it to friends & even a school guidance counselor . No one was any help , so I sought out a therapist who turned out to be even less help . I found out I was completely on my own . My mother often said during that time that I shouldn 't " air our dirty laundry . " I failed to realize at the time that it was * her * dirty laundry , not mine . I did realize though that telling the truth about the abuse she put me through was a bad thing . When she learned I 'd talked to anyone about what she did , she would rage worse than usual . More screaming at me would follow , telling me what a terrible person I was , she was only doing what she did to help me , since I was so unreasonable she had to practice tough love on me , & more garbage . As a result , I learned to keep quiet , not discussing what she did to me . I lived in fear that she would learn if I 'd said anything about her . Plus , I also felt I was to blame . I believed her lies about what a terrible person I was . I must have been terrible to make her treat me so badly - what other reason could there be for what she did , I thought . Telling also felt disloyal - I felt like I was betraying my mother if I told what she did . Eventually , I had to talk about it . I lived through hell with her , even as an adult , & couldn 't keep it bottled up inside anymore . My emotional health was a mess . I had to talk about it & start to heal . It was hard to do . For years I continued to feel guilty for " airing our dirty laundry . " It finally clicked though a couple of years ago … I felt God wanted me to write & publish my autobiography . That task was very daunting - once you write a book & it 's published , it 's out there for the world to see . Having a website is one thing - my parents don 't even own a computer , plus I could take it down if I was so inclined , so that wasn 't too intimidating . But a book ? ! That was terrifying ! He showed me that talking about it isn 't being disloyal or dishonorable - it 's simply telling the facts . I have yet to embellish anything . I tell things as they happened . I never try to paint my parents in a bad light , although I 'm sure the stories I tell do just that since they 've done some bad things . I try to keep the way I phrase things as respectful as possible . He also showed me that although I wasn 't a perfect child , I was good & I did nothing to deserve what happened to me . I never got into trouble or did drugs . I cut a few classes in high school ( which my parents never knew about ) , but still maintained honor roll grades . My worst sin was sneaking behind my mother 's back to date the man who is now my ex husband . Granted not a good thing , but not the worst thing I could 've done either . I only saw him at school & work so we didn 't see each other much . God showed me too that there is nothing my parents can do to punish me anymore . My mother can 't show up at my job again & scream at me for the whole population of the place to see ( that was humiliating ! ) or force me to listen to her tell me what a horrible person I am for having my own thoughts , feelings & needs . If she tries to scream at me now , I 'll either leave , hang up on her or kick her out of my home . And , I found a quote that helped me tremendously in writing my autobiography . Anne Lammont said , " You own everything that happened to you . Tell your stories . If people wanted you to write warmly about them , they should have behaved better . " It 's very true ! What happened to you at the hand of your abusive narcissistic mother is YOUR story . You have every right to share it with anyone you like . I believe discussing narcissistic abuse to be a calling from God . You have to respect His calling more than fear your parents ' retribution . You aren 't betraying them by talking about it . You aren 't being a " bad daughter " either , so long as you share things in a respectful manner . If you believe God wants you to share your story , then share it ! Not everyone is going to like it , but that isn 't your problem ! Sharing your story will help raise awareness of narcissistic abuse & the damage it causes . It will encourage others who have been in similar situations . It lets people know they aren 't alone to read stories similar to theirs . It also helps reassure people that they aren 't crazy , bad , wrong , etc . It wasn 't their fault , & your story can help people to learn that . July 18 , 2015 · 4 : 43 AM Sensory Flashbacks The last few days , my C - PTSD has been flaring up . I 'm not entirely sure why . I 've been especially moody , anxious , depressed , & having more nightmares than usual . Then last night , I had a very odd experience . My husband & I were lying in bed , watching tv . He was starting to nod off , & I was relaxed , hoping to go to sleep soon , when suddenly I smelled coconut . Immediately , an ex boyfriend of mine came to mind , as he used coconut scented air freshener in his car & I felt extremely anxious , almost to the point of having a panic attack . A little background on this boyfriend . . I dated him in 1990 , when I was 19 & he was 28 . I wasn 't in love with him , yet he told me I would marry him ( no proposal , just a command ) & we 'd have lots of kids ( another command ) . He was controlling , jealous & angered easily . I was not happy in this relationship at all & spent most of our short time together anxious , miserable & trying to avoid his anger . The night I broke up with him , he spend hours screaming at me , telling me how stupid I was , how great he was & how much I 'd regret leaving him . Fast forward to January , 2014 . I read on my county police 's facebook page that he shot & killed his boyfriend , then himself . I had no clue he was gay or capable of murder . It was very traumatic when I realized the kind of person he was & how utterly clueless I was to that . Even looking back , I don 't recall any signs of him being gay or that dangerous . As I lay there , smelling coconut , it quickly turned into an actual emotional flashback . I felt like I was 19 again , back in his home & full of anxiety . No specific event played out in the flashback , only the awful emotions that were a daily part of our relationship . Eventually it passed & I was fine , just tired & emotionally drained . I went to sleep a little while after this . This morning I prayed about it & the term " sensory flashback " popped into my mind . I did some research online & found very few details . At least what I found was somewhat helpful . Sensory flashbacks involve the senses , such as feeling someone is touching you when no one is . They are not very different than the typical type of flashback in that you feel like you 're reliving a traumatic experience . Last night , I had a hard time telling reality from flashback , just like during a typical flashback . Dealing with a sensory flashback seems to be about the same as dealing with other flashbacks . You need to ground yourself - touch something , smell something , taste something . Something that is strong to the senses helps to keep you grounded - hold an ice cube , smell lavender , taste a little lemon juice . Something that basically " assaults " your senses will help you to stay grounded . July 12 , 2015 · 8 : 31 AM An Important Point About C - PTSD & PTSD Recently I was talking with a friend of mine on Facebook . He 's a former soldier with PTSD . I saw just how hard he can be on himself for not perfectly managing his symptoms , & it broke my heart . On July 4th , he went with his wife & kids to see fireworks . Like many vets , this isn 't an easy thing for him . This year though , he got through just fine with some help from his family . He was proud of himself , as he should have been . The next day he was due to go to the beach with his family but had such bad panic attacks , he couldn 't go . He said some pretty bad things about himself for not having control over the panic . He said he felt he should be able to conquer this , but he couldn 't , & was extremely hard on himself over it . I realized I do the exact same thing when my symptoms flare up sometimes . I try not to , but there are still some times when I tell myself I 'm worthless , stupid & a host of other things . I think a lot of us with C - PTSD or PTSD do this exact same thing . That doesn 't make it right though ! C - PTSD & PTSD are actual brain injuries & the symptoms are not caused by faulty thinking or beliefs like many people think . The symptoms come about because the trauma ( s ) a person has endured is so bad , it caused physical changes to some parts of the brain . Expecting to be able to control the symptoms perfectly is just not wise . It 's like trying to control the symptoms of a sprained ankle . Not going to happen ! How can you expect to control physical injuries ? It 's impossible ! If you have C - PTSD or PTSD , then you know you have good & bad days . Good days are like my friend 's fireworks experience this July 4th . When you can manage your symptoms well , it 's a very good day & you can feel on top of the world . Bad days are the polar opposite , & you often feel like the most worthless human being alive . Unfortunately though , both good & bad days happen . It 's only natural . When the bad days happen , I really think it is best to avoid beating yourself up over them . No good can come of it ! Beating yourself up only makes you feel worse about yourself . It also can make the anxiety worse . It makes you feel even more depressed . Instead of beating yourself up , then why not accept the fact that days like this happen ? You obviously can 't control them , so it 's not like they 're your fault . Accept that they happen , & do the best you can do to manage the symptoms as they arise . Sometimes your best may not be very good , & that 's ok too . It 's just part of having such an awful disorder . Also remember , this disorder doesn 't define you - it is simply a sickness . You are NOT your disorder ! I 've had 5 nervous breakdowns to date , & after each one , something about me changed . After the first & second ones , I got even better at stuffing my feelings . No one cared what happened , so I took that to mean I needed to not bother anyone with my ' trivial ' problems . ( You can tell I was surrounded by narcissists at the time & not a Christian . . ) After the others , I realized that even if no one cared but God & I , I cared , & needed to take better care of my mental health . After coming close to death with carbon monoxide poisoning in February , I gained a new strength . Although I still have problems with anxiety , I refuse to sweat the small stuff as much as I once did . I now get angry quickly & set boundaries immediately if someone mistreats me rather than trying to be understanding . Oddly , even my eating habits are different . When these changes first happened after my first two nervous breakdowns , I ignored them . Then I began to realize that they are happening for a reason . God is using negative circumstances to get my attention . I started asking Him to show me what I need to learn , & those prayers were answered . The information has been very valuable . I 've learned I like the new me . If you 're reading this post , it is safe to assume you too have experienced trauma , most likely narcissistic abuse , since that is what I write about most often . As you are healing from it , you 'll realize that you have changed . You may feel differently or think differently . That is perfectly fine ! Don 't worry about it or beat yourself up over it . Why not just get to know the new you ? Take the time to really pay attention to how you feel or think . Get to know the new you as if you were meeting a new friend . The changes happened in you for a reason , & chances are , because they needed to happen . While I don 't believe God makes bad things happen , I do believe He will use them for our benefit . If you are unsure of what good has come from the trauma you 've experienced , just ask God to show you . He will help you . . Once you ask your question , wait for an answer . The narcissist won 't know what to do ! They may ignore your question totally , but you can be sure of two things : 1 - she heard what you said , & 2 - she will stop what she was doing . I have done this recently , & have found it to be not only effective , but funny as well . It 's funny watching someone who is usually so confident in their talents in manipulation & cruelty suddenly become flustered . They are so shocked when someone doesn 't just blindly let them get away with what usually works , especially when it 's the person who usually does let them get away with things . Doing this also helps you to take back some power , while taking away some from the narcissist . When she realizes her games or cruelty aren 't working , that takes power from her . The bonus is at the same time , it gives you power & confidence . July 4 , 2015 · 7 : 44 AM Projection & Narcissists Have you ever heard the term projection regarding to how it relates to narcissists ? Projection means that whatever they are doing , they project onto another person , accusing them of doing . For example , narcissists are know liars . Often they accuse others of lying to them while defending how honest & trustworthy they are . Narcissistic mothers are no exception . They love to project , especially onto their children . The child of a narcissist isn 't viewed as the child of a normal , healthy person is . Most people view their children as separate human beings , with their own wants , emotions , personality & more . Narcissists , however , view their children as tools to be used in any way they see fit , not allowed to have their own wants , emotions or personality . Their children are not allowed to have boundaries . A narcissistic mother has no problem reading her child 's diary or snooping through her personal belongings . Nothing is off limits to the narcissistic mother , so why would projecting her flaws be ? I think another part of projection is also when a narcissist criticizes something about you that she wishes she had or could do . My mother is quick to criticize long hair on women , no matter how beautiful it is , yet has always complained that she can wear her thin , fine hair in only one , short style . She also has ruthlessly criticized my furkids , I think because they don 't like her & are very devoted to me . Projection doesn 't stop just because a child of a narcissistic mother reaches adulthood . I haven 't heard of one narcissistic mother yet who has given up projection just because she is older or her child has grown up . My mother still gets on me about my weight , as she has my entire life , even though she is a lot heavier than I 've ever been . The best way I 've found is to remember what projection really is - a dysfunctional coping tool for a narcissist to use to deal with her own shortcomings . Remembering this helps to take some of the sting out of her cruel words , because you know it isn 't a personal attack - it is simply her own dysfunction . It still will hurt or anger you though , as it should , because it is unfair of her to use you in such a way . Once I learned about projection & realized it was about her dysfunction rather than me , I 've felt pity several times for my mother when I have caught her doing her projecting . She does it so often , she must truly feel awful about herself . It 's sad when you think of it . However , feeling pity doesn 't mean that I should try to make her feel better about herself . With a narcissist , attempting that puts you in the position of being responsible for her self - esteem , iffy as it may be , & she will use you up in order to gain the coveted narcissistic supply that improves her self - esteem . Please remember that if you too feel any pity . July 2 , 2015 · 7 : 57 AM Grooming & The Narcissistic Mother One of the favorite tools of a narcissistic mother is to groom her child to believe the child is the problem . If the child wasn 't so difficult , the narcissistic mother wouldn 't have to " discipline her " ( translation - abuse ) . The child is rebellious , ungrateful , or has mental problems . Communicating this message to the child ensures that she won 't question her narcissistic mother 's cruelty . She believes the abuse is all her fault . She also may try to please her narcissistic mother endlessly to make it up to her for being such a bad child . Not only does the narcissistic mother communicate this message to her child , but to anyone else as well . This serves the narcissistic mother well , as people believe her , without question . The child is not believed by people who know her narcissistic mother , even as an adult , even by people who have known her for a long time . This has happened to me . Most people I have discussed my relationship with my parents with who also know my parents don 't believe me . They think I 'm exaggerating , things weren 't so bad , I 'm oversensitive or I 'm the problem with the relationship . I need to forgive & forget , just let it go - it 's in the past . When this type of situation happens , it hurts & frustrates you badly . I have had moments where I wondered if the other person was right - was I really the problem ? Were things as bad as I thought they were ? These people were so adamant about what they believed , maybe they had a point , I thought . It took praying & remembering the horrible events of my past to realize that no , they weren 't right . I was not the problem , & I really was abused . When evidence of your narcissistic mother 's grooming appears , you will know it immediately , as you will be invalidated & blamed while she is praised . Unfortunately , this will happen at some point . Who does it may surprise you , too . It won 't be only those friends & relatives of your narcissistic mother , but those who aren 't particularly close to her . Those you would think would be more objective . In my case , I have had two people who my mother hates & who hate her rush to my mother 's defense . One told me I was the one who needed to fix the relationship , & the other trivialized what I have been through , telling me I needed to get over it ( never admitting " it " was abuse ) . Imagine my surprise when these two treated me this way ! You need to be very careful who you discuss your situation with . Even then though , sometimes this type of thing may happen anyway . When it does , all you can do is deal with the hurt & anger you feel & cling to the truth . Also , refuse to discuss this topic with that person again , even if they are the ones who bring it up . Know that this may damage your relationship irreparably with that person . In my case , the love I had once felt for the two people I mentioned above died abruptly . Not that I wish them harm , of course . I just suddenly no longer felt warmly towards them . I 'm quite sure that they feel the same towards me as well . One stopped speaking to me for several months after our discussion & was very cold the few times we 've spoken since . The other became critical of anything & everything about me since . It 's amazing how devoted people can be to narcissists , even when they despise them ! If you have C - PTSD like I do , this can be an especially painful & frustrating experience . It triggers all kinds of awful feelings that you really don 't want to feel . Personally , I felt like I did as a teenager going through the worst of my mother 's abuse - alone , hopeless & like no one cared . It is vital to be especially good to yourself during times like this . I 'm not entirely sure who invented that phrase , but I think it was Dr . Karyl McBride , author of the wonderful book for daughters of narcissistic mothers , " Will I Ever Be Good Enough ? " Anyway , the line was taken from the movie , " The Wizard Of Oz . " Remember the wicked witch who sent her flying monkeys out to do her dirty work ? I think it is the perfect way to describe these people ! Flying monkeys are those who side with the narcissist . They think she is a great person , & you obviously have the problem if you can 't appreciate her . If you have a disagreement with your narcissistic mother , this person will come out of the woodwork , & tell you things like how great she is , how hard she tries so hard with you , & how you need to do ( fill in the blank ) for her because it 's the least you can do for your own mother . My mother has a flying monkey who isn 't quite so bold , but occasionally during one of my mother 's silent treatments , will email me with some lame excuse attempting to make me call or see my mother . Invalidation is abuse , & this is what flying monkeys do best - invalidate your pain , invalidate your boundaries , & invalidate anything you have to say . They also think they know best , & you should blindly listen to them , ignoring your own thoughts & feelings . ( Sounds like a narcissist , doesn 't it ? ) In fact , they remind me of a dream I had a few months ago . I wrote about it in this post . Flying monkeys often will do anything , no matter how ridiculous they look or how much damage they do to the relationship with you to make their feelings & views known to you . They are just like that little sedan in my dream . While I honestly believe many flying monkeys do what they do out of ignorance , probably even with good intentions , that doesn 't make their behavior any less abusive . They are narcissistic enablers , paving the way for the narcissist to wreak havoc . If you are able & willing , cutting them out of your life may be your best option . If you are unable or unwilling to cut the flying monkey out of your life , you need to have some very strong boundaries in place . They need to know that discussing your narcissistic mother is not an option . There are plenty of other things you can discuss - shared interests , current events , the weather , sports . . find other things to talk about - it 's pretty easy to do . If the flying monkey can 't handle this , then leave their presence or hang up the phone . If the flying monkey is a part of your life on social media , don 't discuss your narcissistic mother on social media . Or , if you do , block the flying monkey from seeing those posts along with people that also know the flying monkey . I have a list of " acquaintances " on facebook . Generally when I post , or this blog posts to my facebook page , it posts to " Friends except acquaintances " . The acquaintances have no idea what they are not seeing or that they are blocked from seeing certain things . Most importantly , don 't let yourself be swayed by the flying monkey ! They can be very convincing sometimes , I know , but only do what you know to be right for you . My mother 's flying monkey told me once that my mother said how proud of me she is . Something I never once heard from my mother , & frankly would love to hear . No doubt my mother knows this which is why she told the flying monkey that . Or , the flying monkey knew it & lied to me about my mother saying it . In any case it was hard not to be swayed & want to work on our relationship after hearing that . I knew in my heart though that things wouldn 't improve with my mother no matter what I do since she 's a narcissist , & besides - I 've always been the one to work on this relationship . It 's not fair & I 'm very tired of being the one who does all the work ! If she isn 't willing to put forth some effort , our relationship never will change . ( I 've been blamed for it being so bad by flying monkeys who fail to realize these points , by the way ) . Anyway if I had allowed myself to believe the flying monkey , can you imagine the huge amount of , well , crap that would have followed ? My mother would 've known the flying monkey was an effective weapon , so she would 've been used more often . She also would 've enjoyed the control she had over me , knowing she made me start working on our relationship . And , me working on things would have proven to her that she is right , & can treat me any way she sees fit . When your flying monkeys sweet talk you , then please keep my story in mind . Think about the scenarios that could follow if you went along with their wishes . Is anything worth going through what would happen if you obeyed the flying monkeys ? I no longer have a facebook fan page . Due to wanting more privacy for my fans , I created this group . It is a safe place to discuss my work , their own battles with abuse / healing / recovery , or , well , anything they like !

Like last year , I spent Christmas Day volunteering at a local community centre which was laying on Christmas lunch for 50 " less fortunate " people . I put that in quotes simply because I don 't know what else to call them . They welcome the homeless , the lonely , the elderly , the disabled and basically anyone else who would have nowhere / no - one else to go to on Christmas Day . If I 'm honest , it was a little disappointing after last year . I realise that I wasn 't meant to be entertained , enthused or otherwise kept amused by the entire day but . . . . ! Yet again this year , I somehow got roped into organising the tea / coffee / soup etc . Really not sure how especially as I was quite determined not to but somehow I got embroiled in it with the mad ( and frankly irritating ) Margaret . Dade escaped into the kitchen with the organiser ( Martin ) and two lovely , eccentric ladies who I 'd met last year ! Having said we 'd both rather be out front with the " guests " I think he got the better end of the bargain - on the drinks counter you don 't really get to interact with people , other than to take their order for a drink and say hi briefly , and it gets pretty hectic . Like last year , the volunteers all had lunch at one table so we didn 't even get to chat to the others during the meal . Martin said the reason for this was to give the volunteers " a break " but , to be honest , I didn 't feel like there was anything to have a break from ( except Margaret ! ) The community centre itself is attached to a church but at some point in the last year , the minister and her family had relocated to Scotland and the church now shares its minister with a church in Eastbourne . That church obviously had a tighter grip on him this year and that 's where he 'd gone to give the morning service , so this church was minister - less for the morning at least . Consequently , there was no mini - service at the beginning of the proceedings as there had been last year , just a CD of carols . Most of the people didn 't show up until about 12 for a 12 . 30 lunch so there wasn 't much socialising to do in advance either . Lunch , as last year , was very tasty . There was turkey / stuffing , mash , roasties , sprouts , carrots , bread sauce , cranberry sauce , gravy . The vegetarians had a goat 's cheese and cranberry pastry thing ( though no veggie gravy which was disappointing , for me at least ) . A pretty light and scrummy Christmas pudding followed , though with a very odd white custard that I couldn 't really identify this year any more than last . Being a church hall , there was no alcohol , officially at least . However , a very lovely Irish disabled lady had brought a bottle of fake Bailey with her , mainly for her to drink but the remainder of the bottle she was insistent that the volunteers drank ! We were very grateful , but had to be a bit surreptitious with it ! The minister did show up in time to make a short speech at the end of lunch , thanking the organiser etc and letting everyone know that there would be a present for each of them at the end of the meal . Unfortunately , what he failed to point out was that after lunch everyone was welcome to stick around just to chat and also for entertainment . One of the other volunteers had a couple of songs organised , I know one of the women told a story last year , I 'd taken my guitar and Dade and I had a couple of very silly sketches planned ( and even semi - rehearsed ! ) Added to the lack of warning of any entertainment , one of the volunteers ( mentioning no names ) started to clear the tables very obviously right at the end of dessert , to the point that clearly several people felt that they were being ushered out . By 3pm the place was empty and all the washing up , clearing up and rearranging of furniture was done . So no entertainment required which I 'll readily admit I was kind of disappointed about . Very odd , given that we 'd finished at nearly 5pm last year . I 'm going to sound , I don 't know what , now - snobby ? Not sure that 's the right word . However , I sort of envisaged the people who would come to these things would generally be the homeless , the extremely poor and the elderly who really had nowhere else to go , no family etc . I noticed last year that there were a few people who I didn 't think quite fitted the bill but this year was definitely more obvious . There were a couple of genuinely homeless guys , both of whom I 'd met last year , and maybe three or four older people who probably had nowhere else to be . The rest of the places , however , were taken up with pairs / groups of people who seemed , to me at least , either too well - off , too connected or otherwise unlikely ! Maybe I 'm doing them a grave disservice , but it just seemed to me that a lot of them didn 't NEED to be at a community centre on Christmas Day , enjoying a totally free 3 - course meal . I readily admit that maybe a lot of them were there simply for the company , rather than the food and , frankly , who am I to judge ? All that aside , I really enjoyed the day and would happily to do it again . In fact , at the end of the proceedings , the organiser asked me if I 'd be interested in being part of a small committee organising next year 's event . I have to admit that I have reservations . I do feel a little hypocritical getting over - involved in a church event when I 'm a self - proclaimed atheist . I 'm sure they don 't really care but maybe I should . Having said that , the day needs better organisation and ( I think ) it needs to target different groups for next year . I felt sorry for Martin , the organiser , as he 'd pretty much put it all together it himself and , without the help of a minister , that was probably a bit of an ordeal . Consequently , if it doesn 't look like it 's going to be too church - related , then I 'll happily help out with organising next year 's event . For the time being , it certainly looks like I 'll be here for it . My poor 89 - year - old granddad is in a bad way and at the mercy of the NHS and Social Services . He had to be moved out of his care home due to a severe chest infection and cellulitis - once he was in hospital , the care home decided that he couldn 't go back there because he required too much supervised care . He has advanced dementia but is ( or was ) fairly mobile . The problem was that he was still able to get out of bed and once he 'd done that , was in danger of falling or collapsing . So the search had to start for a nursing home which would actually take him . The problem with elderly care in the UK seems to be that if you 're just old but physically and mentally fit , there are plenty of places you can go , if you 're physically impaired ( confined to bed etc ) then again you have a lot of choices . But as soon as you add dementia into the mix , it becomes a nightmare . Initially , it was going to be down to the family to find him somewhere to go but in the end the hospital care team found him a place in a proper nursing home . He 's now there , but I found out today that he is now pretty much completely unresponsive , recognises no - one , is almost bedridden and is being spoonfed by staff . To have gone from an incredibly intelligent , erudite , entertaining man who spoke about a dozen languages to what is left is really sad and frankly , isn 't a life . My cat 's also ill - she has eosinophilic granuloma - she 's been to the vet three times now , been on two lots of antibiotics , been anaesthetised , had biopsies taken and got stitches , and is now on anti - inflammatories for at least three weeks . So far , it 's cost me £ 250 and she may well have to keep having repeat prescriptions for the next few months . The drugs she 's on are also quite likely to mess with her respiratory system , which is already weakened . As per my recent blog , my washer / dryer decided to pack up ( with a little help from the guy who was meant to be repairing it when only half of it wasn 't working ) - very stressful and cost £ 400 for a new one . Cathy and I are frantically trying to finish two murder mystery bookings , which need to be ready for New Year 's Eve and early January ( well , that 's when the parties are , they actually need to be ready in about six days ) . Normally , we don 't have a problem getting them done in good time , but I think it 's the fact that we 're doing two at a time that 's causing the issues . We 're very aware that we need to be sure we don 't get the plots , characters , guests and paperwork mixed up . We 've also , for some inexplicable reason , made the plots far more complicated than usual - great for the people doing the plot as they 'll have to think more in order to solve it , but makes life much more difficult for us . And then there 's my crappy job . I can 't pretend otherwise - I hate it . Crap money , crap conditions and I spend the day annoying people at home and being shouted at . It 's turned out to be pretty much exactly what I thought an outbound call centre would be like . However , trying to get into something else is proving almost impossible . I 'm registered with every recruitment agency in Brighton and Hove but the daily emails they send me are full of rubbish . Despite supposedly being fitted to my criteria , they send details of Chartered Surveyors , primary school teachers , Web Developers , plumbers and who knows what else . Less than 5 % of the jobs they send me would actually be relevant . And I do apply for those 5 % - every one that 's remotely suitable get my covering letter and CV . So far , not even an acknowledgement . The same goes for the multiple Gumtree ads I 've replied to . I know it 's probably more than they can be bothered with given the number of applicants , but I do think it 's pretty appalling that you get nothing back from companies any more - no acknowledgements , nothing to tell you specficially that you haven 't been successful in even getting an interview , and certainly no feedback . I 've advertised my services on Gumtree as a proofreader and also to give conversational English classes but no responses . The audio typing I 'd been doing for a freelance company has dried up completely too . I 'm desperately trying to avoid contemplating going back to the Civil Service in any capacity but it is becoming like fending off a lion with a blade of grass . Oh and , of course , I 'm broke . Properly . For the first time in my life . I 've borrowed an embarrassing amount of money from both my parents over the last year , for which I 'm very , very grateful but it can 't keep happening . I 'm living off my credit card and keeping my fingers tightly crossed that they finally get my tax code sorted out at the end of this month so I don 't pay a stupid amount in emergency tax , and that they refund my overpaid tax . That will help a little . I 'm very aware that I 've been self - absorbed and wrapped up in all of this recently , have totally neglected my mates ( both here and in Madrid ) and my family , and I 've been stressing my poor flatmate out to the point that he thinks I want him to move out . I DON ' T ! For all those things though , I 'm really , really sorry - I promise I 'll get my act together in 2011 . Now , once upon a time , only a very small minority of people went on to further education - most didn 't even continue on to Sixth Form College or Technical College etc , let alone university . It may well have been seen as something that only better - off kids did - though I 'm not quite clear why that would be - the education was totally free then as far as I know so it shouldn 't have made any difference how rich or otherwise you were . The only thing I can assume is that if you came from a lower - income family , there was more of an imperative for you to go out and work so you could help support the family . I 'm quite certain it had nothing to do with intelligence . Of course , there is always the chance that it was snobbery and that it was simply that universities didn 't want poorer people attending . Who knows ? I digress . As the number of people wanting to attend university rose , so did the cost - to both the universities and the taxpayer . I 'm not saying that more people wanting to gain a degree is a bad thing , but it does depend on why they 're doing it . In my current job , I work with quite a lot of students who are in their first couple of years at uni . I 've heard some of them say that they 're there not because of some compelling desire to learn , or because they have some particularly high - brow career in mind which absolutely requires a degree , but simply because at the age of 18 they either didn 't know what they wanted to do for a living , or simply didn 't fancy getting a job . Many of them do also seem to be fitting the stereotype of the heavy - drinking , ever - sleeping , doing - no - work student . Two of them yesterday said that they hadn 't actually attended any lectures , tutorials or even been near the university for two and three weeks respectively . I 'm really not clear how that 's something to be proud of ! One of them was on one of the demos last week . So let me get this straight - she wants me , via my taxes , to pay for her to have a free education , but she doesn 't actually plan to work at it ? So I think one of my objections is pretty clear now . My second objection is that from the way many people are talking , you would think that the students or their families are being asked to turn up with a suitcase full of used fivers at the beginning of term ( totalling between £ 3500 and the new maximum fee of £ 9000 for a 3 or 4 year degree ) in advance . No ! There are still grants , bursaries , scholarships etc etc . Many will still get it paid for and then not have to start paying it back until they 're earning £ 21 , 000 . So if they leave uni and either choose not to work , choose to continue in education or take a job at a lower salary , they 're not going to have to pay it back anyway . And if they do make use of the degree and get into a job that 's paying them that sort of money , why shouldn 't they be expected to give something back ? On a more personal note , if higher / further education is to be free for all , surely it really should be for all . There are several adult education courses I fancy taking , either for personal development or to improve / change my career prospects . I know plenty of other people who would love to go and get a couple of extra A Levels , learn a language , do a vocational course etc - do we get that for free ? No , of course we don 't . We have to find the money to pay for the course up - front , then pay a fee for any associated exam , pay for transport / parking to the college / university etc . Perhaps the taxpayer would like to cough up for that too . Yeah . Thought not . Much like for most things , I 'm all in favour of means - testing . I realise that 's more difficult with education as most people don 't have any " means " at the age of 18 - and I don 't think that parents should be expected to fund a degree either unless they really want to . So what is currently being suggested pretty much fits in exactly with how I think it should work . Do your degree . Pay for it later if and when you 're earning enough . Is that really so unfair ? Gumtree was yet again responsible for providing a weird distraction from daily life . This time , it was an ad for paid volunteers for a psychological study . It seemed interesting and , to be honest , an easy way to make a few quid . So I fired off an email a couple of weeks ago and got back a message asking me to complete some online personality questionnaires . I did them , and submitted the results to Mindlab as requested . I wondered soon after if it was just a way of getting responses to the online test because once the results had been received , they emailed simply saying that if you were then chosen to take part in an actual study , then you would get the £ 5 payment for filling in the questionnaire . To be honest , I didn 't expect to hear from them again . So a freezing Monday morning found us mingling with the students on a train to Falmer . We checked into the Mindlab centre and met the four people who would be conducting the tests . They were a fairly young and amusing bunch , though the office looked a little thrown together ( and the walls moved more than the ones on Crossroads ! ) Before we knew it , we were being wired up - me in a very fetching tight - fitting cap with Polo - sized holes in , and a weird strap that attached the cap to a chest strap . Once secured , some really unpleasant electrode gel was squeezed into the holes ( and all over my hair ) before the elctrodes were attached and the signals were checked . Once that was done , I resembled some kind of multi - coloured Gorgon - or at least that was what I was told - I couldn 't see myself . Very unfairly Dade could move in his seat and spy on me but I was practically velcro - ed to the back of my chair and couldn 't reciprocate . I should just be grateful he didn 't get a photo ! Once all the signals were being picked up OK , the procedure started . First , I was shown my " resting " brainwave - although initially even relaxed and with no visual stimuli , mine looked like the seismic readout of an earthquake . However , this turned out to be a glitch and it finally settled down . To show how important it was to remain as still and calm as possible , they asked me to blink a couple of times and also to clench my teeth . When I did so , the readout wnet wild . Finally , the actual test got underway - we were moved to our designated tables , the lights were dimmed and off we went . There were some control exercises - following dots round a screen with your eyes , presumably so that the eye - tracker could be tested , then counting the number of dots that appeared for a few seconds and shouting the answer out to the technician . That one was a bit disconcerting because our tests had been started almost simultaneously but Dade 's just a little ahead . I could actually hear what number he was saying and it made me paranoid every time I counted a different number of dots , even though I couldn 't be completely sure that we were doing exactly the same test ! They then showed some random video clips of varying degrees of boringness ( some Juliette Binoche rubbish ) , sentimentality ( Forrest Gump ) and violence ( American History X ) . Once the controls were complete the actual study began . I 'm not going to say with what we were actually shown because a ) it 's very boring and b ) we signed a confidentiality agreement . Suffice to say , it involved looking at various pictures , accompanied by the most annoying voice in the world and then saying a number between 0 and 10 to say how much fun etc we thought the pictures looked . The actual test probably only took about 30 % of the time ! Once done , I was disconnected from the apparatus and the cap was peeled off my head . Bleurgh . The gel was everywhere - my hair was all gunked up with it and was plastered to my head . Mmmmm , nice ! Just as well my coat had a hood ! Only a couple of minutes later , a rather dapper young man entered , looking a little lost . Was it him ? Aha - he went to the counter and said " I 'm looking for Dade " . Well , it was either him or a very spooky coincidence ! Rather pleasingly , it was him . He told us a little about himself - half - French , half - English , cabin crew out of Heathrow , had lived in Canada and basically wanted some decent photos of himself as he said he usually didn 't like being in photos . We headed to the seafront and the pier , the chosen locations for the shoot . On the way , Alex stopped off at a florist 's as he wanted a flower as a prop for the photos . The usual selection of roses , carnations and lilies weren 't deemed suitable due to either their size or their colour , but one quite unusual one jumped out at us all - Alex went in to get one and discovered it was , in fact , an ornamental cabbage ! On reaching the seafront , the shoot began . Alex was a very natural subject , happy to be directed and had some good ideas of his own . My not - so - glamorous job pretty much involved carrying the camera bag and lenses , Alex 's bag , coat and other paraphernalia and generally being vaguely useful . I must admit that had the subject not been so easy on the eye , I might not have lasted the two hours . It was getting a bit chilly , the sun was disappearing quite fast so it became a bit of a race against time to get the final set of photos under the promenade arches . As it got a little gloomier , I got a " real " job - holding the remotely - fired off - camera flash - I even occasionally held it in the right place ! This was a particularly pleasant job when Alex decided he would rather like some shots without his top on . Sigh ! On Saturday morning , I spent a freezing four hours on Brighton seafront ( sorry , Hove ( actually ) Lawns ) . I 'd been alerted a week or so earlier to an ad on Gumtree for people to get involved in something very secret - the ad revealed that it was something to do with Earth350 , the giant art side of climate change awareness group 350 . I replied to the ad and received a very mysterious reply thanking me for volunteering to help co - ordinate the group ! Had I ? Well , apparently I had . It gave me a time and location and two very strict instructions - 1 ) Wear all black and 2 ) DO NOT REVEAL THE LOCATION PUBLICLY ! The general idea was that 1800 people were to make up the outline of King Canute attempting to hold back the sea , and the image was to be photographed from a plane . The clear ( ? ) deep meaning was the futility of trying to control nature . The image itself had been designed by Thom Yorke of Radiohead ( no , I wouldn 't have known who he was either ) . So like a pair of secret squirrels , Dade ( one of the official photographers ) and I headed for the seafront on Saturday morning . I peeled off at the Peace Statue to meet the other volunteers - as usual a random bunch of both locals and " outsiders " . We were given a briefing which , to be honest , didn 't tell us much other than the very Bond - esque use of codewords over the radio for emergencies , punch - ups ( ! ) and lost children . We were then shepherded up to the main area and given very fetching blue ponchos for later , and hi - vis vests for now . For one horrible moment , I was reminded of being back at Gatwick on the airfield but the feeling passed quickly and fairly painlessly . Suitably attired in our lovely stewards ' hi - vis vests , we trailed after the co - ordinator , being deposited one at a time as a kind of human circumference marker . Some of the stewards were placed a disappointingly long way away from the action - I came very close to being one of them but successfully stared at my feet and shuffled about for long enough for someone else to be picked on . A very friendly music student and I were finally placed right by the edge of the picture . All this by about 10 . 45am , with the public participants not due to arrive until 11 . 30am and the actual photo not being taken until around 1pm ! The top temperature for the day was forecast to be around + 2 with a chance of snow - brrrrrrr . My 2 layers , coat , scarf , fingerless gloves , one pair of socks and furry - lined boots quickly proved themselves inadequate ( and yes , as most of you know , I don 't particularly feel the cold ! ) So there was a lot of bouncing around , jumping up and down , swinging of arms etc to stave off hypothermia . Some of the earliest participants to arrive really should have dressed more suitably . One guy near me was wearing just a T - shirt and fairly thin trousers . The blue poncho he was given in order to be part of the picture really didn 't afford him any protection from the rather brutal elements and he had to stand there for the best part of 90 minutes ! Once the participants had started to arrive , there was at least the distraction of trying to direct them to where they needed to be and watching the whole thing take shape . The people in charge , who appeared to be a mixture of 350 staff ( activists ? ) and a team of choreographers , plus the press and film crew were busy ushering the poncho - clad volunteers into the shape although , to be honest , from ground level it was almost impossible to tell how it was looking . Finally , all was ready - the stewards were told to remove the hi - vis vests , replace them with the ponchos and blend in with the picture . There was a quick run - through , then a horn sounded , the plane appeared overhead and we all dutifully turned and pointed out to sea . We had to hold the position for a good five minutes until another horn signalled the end . There was a rather unimpressive self - congratulatory round of applause and that was that . The stewards took up their final positions along the street , attempting to stop 1800 people from all trying to cross the main road at once - an exercise in futility if ever there was one . We then discovered that we were also to do a quick sweep of the lawns , removing any obvious litter ( presumably based on the " Take only photographs , Leave only footprints " ethos of ethical tourism ) , then we collected and sorted the discarded ponchos and we were done . The point ? The point is my washer / dryer . A few days ago , the dryer part of my combination washing machine / condenser dryer decided to give up the ghost . Washing machine = fine . Dryer = buggered . Needless to say , it 's way out of its warranty so it was down to the Thomson Local Directory to suggest someone to come and fix it . Other people always seem to happen to just know someone who can do this sort of thing , but I don 't . I randomly picked a company that said they did same - day repairs and didn 't charge a call out fee . Within 4 hours , they said . 45 minutes later , Neil and his large toolbox were at the door . Promising , I thought . I gave him the info , including the fact that I 'd had the same problem before with this machine and what I 'd been told it was ( simply the heating element of the dryer part of the circuit board ) . " Leave me to it " , he said . Dade and I retired to the safety of the living room to indeed leave him to it . There ensued grunting , dragging , crashing , swearing etc but to be honest , that wasn 't surprising . I have a tiny kitchen which doesn 't lend itself well to large appliances being hiked out from under the worktop and then taken apart . Shortly afterwards , we heard what sounded like rather a lot of water followed by Neil saying " Um , have you got any kitchen roll ? " I entered the kitchen to find water everywhere - the floor , the worktops , the walls . He 'd already used a teatowel to mop a load up . More mopping ensued and he said he was fine to carry on . Once back in the living room , the next worrying noise was a repetitive clicking , which I recognised as the ignition switch for the gas hob . I went back to the kitchen and found him attacking the ignition switch with kitchen roll while it clicked away happily . The fact that I had no idea where the actual cooker is plugged in didn 't help as it meant I couldn 't cut off the power to it so it continued to click for a good 20 minutes . At which point , Neil then said " Have you got a hairdryer ? " Working on the assumption that he hadn 't decided to suddenly sort out his coiffure , I retrieved my rarely used and frankly almost pointless hairdryer and delivered it to him . " It 's like this " , he said , " One of the hoses came off because it was too short and hadn 't been installed correctly , and water went everywhere as you know . A lot of it went inside the machine so I need to dry it out before I can fix the dryer " . I then watched him hang the hairdryer upside - down inside the machine - not inside the drum , but into the inner workings of it via the missing top cover . Unable to look , I went back in the sitting room to rejoin Dade who had been watching / listening to all this with , I 'm sure , slight amuThe next day , I got home at 2 . 29 , eagerly awaiting Neil 's arrival , as by this time both Dade and I were pretty desperate to do some washing . Neil turned up , disappeared into the kitchen again for half an hour then called me in . All ready to pay up and wave goodbye , I was a bit concerned to see him still sitting on the floor and all the lights on the front of the machine flashing . " Um , unfortunately , I 'm not going to be able to get it fixed for you today " , he said . " Oh well , " I said , " as long as the washing machine 's still working , I can dry stuff on the radiators for a few more days " . " That 's the thing " , he continued . " I can 't get it to work at all now . The flashing light code is telling me that there 's a problem with the motor and the motherboard . . . " At this point , I was as bored as you probably are now . Ten more minutes of excuses and explanations were forthcoming , none of which changed the simple fact that 24 hours earlier , I 'd had a washing machine but no dryer and now I had neither . Nor did he bring me a hob ignition thing , of course ! Neil 's solution - " I have a mate who sells reconditioned washer / dryers , installs them , takes away the old one and gives you a 3 - month guarantee on the recon one " . Oh , you do , do you ? How bloody convenient ! He then offered to try and get me a second - hand motherboard and fit it for free , but if he couldn 't do so , he would get his mate to call me to see if I was interested in buying a machine . Less than two hours later , and with no call from him about the motherboard , his mate called me and did indeed ask if I wanted to buy a replacement machine . I told him I had no idea yet as I was still waiting for a call from Neil . He hung up pretty fast when I didn 't immediately say I wanted to buy from him . What a lovely little set - up they have going , eh ? I 'm trying not to be cynical but it 's damn difficult . The ad in the Thomson Local says that the company in question ( who I have a feeling might just consist of Neil ) is " insured " . Hmm , interesting . Insured against completely knackering my washing machine , breaking my hob ignition button and soaking most of my kitchen , I wonder ? Probably not . So - the market research call centre has availed itself of my services for just over two months now . It was never a job I 'd considered before , especially as cold - calling seemed like the most demoralising way in the world to earn a crust . The job details were a little misleading , suggesting that we would be calling people who had either said they were happy to be contacted by phone or were actually expecting a call . Not so ! Quite simply , various companies ask our market research company to conduct customer satisfaction surveys by telephone with their customers . However , it 's safe to say that most of those customers have no idea that their contact numbers will be used in this way . No doubt , it 's somewhere in the small print of their contracts , or one of those little tick boxes , but really - who reads those ? As expected , I 've also been shouted at , sworn at , told where I can stick my survey , and generally abused ! And of course , all of these tirades have to be met with a completely fake , sickly - sweet " Well , thank you for your time anyway . Goodbye . " Mind you , by the time I 've reached the second word of that , they 've usually hung up . It 's easy to be pretty thick - skinned about these when they only occur once in a while but if several of them crop up consecutively , I 'll admit it does get to me . One day last week , on a shift due to finish at 9pm , I was on the verge of walking out at 7pm . For a solid half an hour , everyone I spoke to was either rude , unhelpful , unco - operative , pissed off or all of the above . I have no problem with people simply refusing to take part , with " I don 't want to do it " - I would say no too - but there 's really no reason to shout and swear in the process . One surprising thing I 've learnt is that people really don 't like being disturbed on a Sunday . I guess because I worked shifts for so long and weekends meant nothing to me , plus the fact that shops etc open seven days a week now , I forget that some people still consider Sundays to be sacrosanct , whether on religious grounds or not . I 've also discovered ( though I 'm unconvinced by the truthfulness of some of the claims ) that " traditional " Sunday lunchtime now starts at about 11 . 30am and runs right through until about 4 . 30pm . I 'm in a bit of a quandary about the job though . I can really only hack about five hours at a time ( except at weekends when the shifts are all six or eight hours ) , but that means I only work about a 26 - hour week . Given the stupidly low hourly rate ( even on the bonus rate when you beat the target number of completed calls ) , that really doesn 't give me an income I can live on . The upside of the job is the flexibility of being able to choose your own shifts on a weekly basis , and I can 't deny that not having to start work until 4 or 5pm is quite nice ! What I could really do with is a nice little part - time job on three full days a week , which I could mix with the obligatory three shifts at the call centre . It looked like it might get a little more interesting when I was asked to coach some of the poorer performers regarding the quality side of the calls . I 've only been there eight weeks , but I 'm currently ranked number 2 in the whole centre , and my quality feedback is at 100 % . After the coaching , there 's potentially some mini - training that they might want me to run , along with a couple of other members of the phone staff . They 're trying to get away from all training being done by supervisors as they believe , probably rightly , that people generally accept advice and coaching better from their peers - people who are actually also on the phones day in , day out . However , as with most other things there , the coaching wasn 't very well organised and the actual potential training hasn 't even been devised yet , nor have any days or times been chosen for it . The people I was speaking to wanted to know the details before they signed up to their refresher training ( as it was all voluntary ) . Suffice to say , that little diversion actually isn 't going to make me inclined to stick at the job any longer than I was already going to . 8am on the Monday morning saw me heading off on my little solo adventure . I 'd randomly picked Whitchurch in Staffs for my first stop , and very pretty it turned out to be . It was a real mix of medieval and modern with an imposing church which , unusually these days , was open . As I 'd arrived so early there was really nothing else to do so I had a little wander round in there - very cool stained glass windows and a small brass plaque in the floor which was catching the morning sun through the coloured glass beautifully . I 've always enjoyed being alone in any building and , atheist though I am , churches always provide at least a very peaceful atmosphere . I had the place to myself for a good half an hour . As I left , my attempt to get into the wooden choir stalls was thwarted by the locked door at the top of the old stone staircase - one of those where years of footsteps have worn a smooth curve in each stair . I emerged into the still - early sunshine and , spotting my reflection in a car window , decided I couldn 't put off a haircut any longer ( needless to say , that 's not all I thought when I caught sight of myself , but the hair was the only immediately fixable thing ! ) The very first hairdressers I found on the High Street were able to offer me an appointment immediately so half an hour ( and a very predictable " Been anywhere nice on holiday / Looking forward to Xmas ? conversation ) later , out I came with , as usual , the exact same haircut , just 2 inches shorter ! I found a little café which enticed me in with the offer of veggie sausage sandwiches for breakfast . It was a friendly place where everyone ( except me ) seemed to know everyone else by name . My steaming hot pot of Earl Grey came pretty quickly but I 'd practically finished it when I heard a voice from the back say " Oh no , the veggie sausage girl ! " I quite reasonably assumed they were talking about me , not least because the other customers were a couple of ambulancemen , a builder , two ancient pink - rinsed women and a guy with one leg . A rather harried - looking waitress then rushed to my side and said " SO sorry , we totally forgot - have another pot of tea on the house " . Admittedly , I 'd rather have had the sandwich for free but what the hell , swimming in Earl Grey tea wasn 't a total disaster . At least once the sandwich came , it was worth the wait ! Duly sated , I surprised myself by successfully finding where I 'd parked the car and hit the road , this time heading for Ironbridge , which Dade had said was worth a look . Again , a cute little place , straddling the banks of , um , a river . I 'm sure I should know which one ! I parked and went in search of the source of such metallic fame . I wandered across a small , unimposing bridge , looking up and down the river to see if I could see THE bridge - only when I reached the other side did I discover that I 'd just been walking across it ! As with so many other things in life , it was a lot smaller than I expected ! I took random photos of it from the towpath , had a short wander along the banks and treated myself to a quarter of Everton Mints from one of those over - priced Olde Worlde Sweetie Shoppes . Since it was still only lunchtime , I decided to head towards Telford but , on the way , see if I could find The Wrekin , a hill Dade had mentioned just a few times ! The Sat Nav was no help but I very soon found a tiny white sign towards it . The roads got narrower and narrower , the hedges higher , the corners more twisty and at one point I swear I was actually driving on a cycle path . Now although this is my idea of driving heaven , my rally driving temptation was thwarted by the very real possibility of meeting something coming the other way . Just before I was about to give up any hope of actually finding it , there I suddenly was at the little car park for The Wrekin . With the promise of " spectacular views from the summit " I commenced the ascent . There were very few other people around but the ones I did see were decked out in hiking boots and walking canes , and looked rather fit . I climbed and climbed but I had to admit defeat before the top when most of my body gave out ! I discovered on the way down that it was steeper than I 'd realised on the way up so I reached the bottom rather faster than expected thanks to slippery gravel , ill - advised shoes and , of course , my poor single Achilles / calf muscle ! Photos of the weekend can be found HERE Bored with my own company , I headed to Dade 's place . I 'm sure I heard Sid 's little car gulp at the mountain of stuff it was going to be crammed with for the journey south the next morning though , given the strong winds that were forecast , I actually thought the extra weight might help glue the poor little thing to the road ! We randomly passed the evening with chat , online TV and a HUGE Chinese takeaway . A perfectly good way to spend Dade 's last evening there , before embarking on his own little adventure as my new flatmate and his independent photography career in Brighton . But of course that 's for another blog . . . I 'm going to sneak an announcement in here so that I don 't have to do a whole separate blog about it - my plans to return to Spain are all on hold . I 'm not going back in January . There are a lot of reasons , which I won 't go into here , but the upshot is I 'm staying put for the time being . So that 's that done - on to the proper blog post . Having the loan of a car again thanks to Cathy and Sid 's little jaunt to the Orient , I finally managed to organise a few days away . I 'd been meaning to get together with Hannah for ages - I met her in Spain in February 2008 and we 'd then become really good mates in Madrid . She came back to the UK in October 2009 and we hadn 't seen each other since . So the delights of the M25 and M40 delivered me ( thanks to Cathy 's Sat Nav and Sid 's dinky little Citroen ) to Madeley , to a little village in Staffordshire where Hannah 's boyfriend 's parents have a house that they built from scratch 30 years ago while they lived in a caravan in the garden with a newborn baby ( Steve ! ) Hannah and I spent the afternoon trying to find the ruins of a local manor house but , despite having fairly clear instructions , all we found was a muddy path , horses , a fallen tree for me to trip over and a fence which was inexplicably completely inoffensive when I grabbed it , but remarkably electrified when Hannah stuck her hand on it 10 minutes later . After a yummy dinner , the three of us struck out in the pitch dark to the local pub ( local = a mile away ) . We 'd planned to get there cross - country but having discovered quite how muddy it was , that looked like a bad idea . Instead , we walked on the pavement - less , streetlight - less road under an amazingly starry sky . I relied on night vision , Steve had a great , retro , heavy 80s torch which gave off about as much light as a glow worm , and Hannah attached her wind - up torch to her head . Between us , we managed to fend off the onslaught of oncoming traffic and made it in one piece to the pub . We duly took over the pool table ( no mention will be made of the results ) and the quiz machine , and sampled their finest brews . Soon it was time to take our lives in our hands and return to the house via the same dark road which had now turned into the equivalent of Brands Hatch due to the number of people now leaving the pub ( why they didn 't have the sense to walk there , I don 't know ! ) Sunday dawned and Hannah and I decided to get out from under Steve 's feet by heading to a local car boot sale . Hannah invested in a pair of rather startled - looking wooden cats and two candlesticks for her fireplace . I bought fake Rolos and a packet of fig rolls ( am I the only person that thinks they 're the most nostalgic biscuits in the world ? ) Having deposited the cats at Hannah 's place , we went to an Arts and Crafts Centre based at a farm - so twee that Hannah had never managed to drag Steve to it . Giving in to the hunger brought on by the car boot sale , I dived into a very tasty bowl of pumpkin and apple soup ( it was Hallowe ' en after all ) . We wandered round the farm part , oohed and aahed over tiny chicks , huge pigs , cute ponies and slightly smelly goats . Hannah cooed over the shop 's Christmas decorations . I commented on the fact that it was " still bloody October ! " We headed back to the house , took the dog on rather muddy walk then drove across town in a proper workman 's white van to collect a table and chairs Hannah had bought for their conservatory . The area we picked it up from was clearly going for Hallowe ' en in a big way - most of the houses were decked out with glowing pumpkins , cobwebs , skeletons and were expecting a deluge of scarily - clad children ( and probably adults ) . Having delivered the furniture to its new home , we headed back for a scrumptious roast dinner before Steve went off for an evening 's table tennis . That left Hannah and me to drink our way through the evening , generally putting the world to rights and catching up with nearly a year 's random chat . An early night beckoned as they both had to get up for work the next morning and obviously I had to leave when they did . It was a very chilled weekend in a lovely part of the country and it was definitely worth the wait to catch up with Hannah . Enough ? Thought so ! The rest of the trip is for the next blog . . . When I first returned , I had no reason to look for a job . I was only meant to be back for a few weeks to sort out the flat , and then head back to Madrid . But that was not to be , as most of you already know . So having made the decision to stay in the UK until the end of the year , I had to face the fact that money really doesn 't grow on trees and I 'd actually have to earn some ! 4 ) The bottom line - it would be a backward step . When I walked out of that office in February 2009 , I was determined I would never go back . Realising I 'd been in the Civil Service for just under 20 years was what made me go to Spain in the first place . The only reason I 'm on a career break is just in case one day I get so utterly , seriously desperate for a job that I might actually bring myself to go back , briefly or otherwise . That day most certainly has not come , nor do I want it to . So - job - hunting began in earnest at the end of July when I decided for sure I was staying put for a few months . Having never really done anything apart from the Civil Service ( before the English teaching , of course ) I really didn 't know what on earth to look for , let alone what I was good at . I 've never had to write a CV before so that was a learning curve ( thanks go to Ange for her advice ) . I was quite sure that immigration had given me no transferable skills whatsoever , unless I wanted to go into another law - enforcement type job . However , the more I thought about it , and as various people pointed out , I 'd basically spent 20 years doing a variety of administrative and customer service roles , and had at least had the chance to show I was fairly flexible ( not bendy ! ) and up for a challenge with some of the things that job entailed . I had a CV , now I needed a job to apply for . I 'd registered with every temp agency I could think of and given a fairly wide list of criteria , yet three weeks later , I 'd heard from none of them ! I know there 's a recession but I couldn 't believe that not a single one of them had found one job that suited my stated preferences . In the last week , one of them has started to send me emails listing jobs I " may " be interested in . Bear in mind that what I asked them to look out for were jobs in secretarial / admin / typing / data entry / filing within 3 miles of Brighton . An email from them last week offered me : Weighbridge Operator , Small Dole ; Quantity Surveyor , Guildford ; Finnish speaking salesperson , Edinburgh ! Call me fussy , but what on earth made them think I would / could do any of those ? ! Next ports of call were the Friday - Ad , Evening Argus and Gumtree websites ( yes , the one where I found the slightly bizarre naked admin assistant job ! ) There 's a bewildering array of jobs out there , it appears , several of which I fired off my CV to , without getting so much as an acknowledgement , let alone an interview . Then finally , I heard back from one - a telephone market research job ( no sales , which was very important to me ) . Last Tuesday , I had a face - to - face interview and had to do a 10 - minute test call ( which admittedly seemed to only prove that I could read from a pre - prepared script on screen and click the mouse a few times ! ) , then the next morning they called to offer me the job . No , it 's not the most exciting job in the world , nor the best paid but it 's a job , it 's pretty flexible ( choose your own shifts each week , and no weekday shift starts before 2pm ! ) and they offer temporary , short - term or long - term contracts . Training starts on Wednesday for two days , then work proper next week . My bank manager will be delighted ! " Hello there Im a self employed businessman looking for help . I work from home and I need a PA for general easy admin jobs , cleaning jobs , booking flights , hotels etc . Some travel will be required but only if it fits in with you . Full time hours offered , part time too if needed . Great rates of pay , easy going environment . £ 80 an hour , no mistake . Please reply for more info . " Yes , you read that right - £ 80 an hour . Being a cynical , suspicious kind , all sorts of things ran through my head - cover story for drug runner ? Prostitution ? Money laundering ? Still , never one to look a gift horse in the mouth , I thought " What the hell " and fired off an email for more info . " Hello Before you read on I must stress to you that this is a very genuine job offer . Im looking for a female to work with me at my place just as they would do normally but in underwear and in the nude while I work from home . The work is simple admin , bit of cleaning , general easy going jobs . All above board , NO contact or touching , im just rich and bored and want to try something different . Will pay you daily in cash . £ 80 an hour . Sometimes you can come away with me when I do business and be my PA , il pay £ 100 an hour for that aswell as all expenses covered . I 'm looking for all kinds of females , different shapes and sizes , ages 18 - 50 . This will be a very discreet agreement . I also must stress that this is an agreement between us both and no photos or filming will ever take place . Please reply if interested with a recent pic and add me on MSN via this address . Thanks for the interest . " Bloody hell ! OK , so I was already suspicious but I can 't say I expected quite that ( despite one friend 's suggestion - before I got the reply - that the guy might have a " uniform " he wanted me to wear ! Good call ! ) My initial reaction was righteous indignation , shortly followed by tummy - ache inducing laughter , then bafflement , then the temptation to report the ad to Gumtree as inappropriate . I guess the ad itself wasn 't exactly inappropriate , but it was certainly misleading ( apart from the rate of pay , of course ! ) These rich , bored guys really exist ? ! Well , at least one of them does and he lives in Brighton . But really - how bored would he have to be to want me parading round the house naked ? ! And how desperate would I have to be for work ? ! When I got back to my flat , I realised that I may have been wearing rose - tinted nostalgia glasses . My poor flat revealed itself in all its shabbiness . I 'd been away 16 months , with only a couple of brief trips back , both of which were filled with stuff that didn 't really allow me to stand back and take a good look at my ( or rather the mortgage company 's ) little piece of Brighton . This time was different . Andy , and his belongings , were gone , leaving me to see the somewhat dilapidated truth . My flat was tired , a little sad looking and full of , well , tat ! A visit from a local rental agent brought it home with a bang . He seemed optimistic that I 'd be able to rent it out pretty quickly provided a few things were dealt with . And then began the list : All soft furnishings have to have the label showing that they 're fire retardant still attached . Sofa - check . Mattress - yup . Futon mattress - nope . Throw cushions - a couple , yes , the rest , no . Plus the various bits of painting that I already knew I needed to do . Cue slight panic followed by total rethink ! In order to do everything necessary to the flat , I need money . Having pretty much gone through all the cash I brought back from Spain ( which amounted to a paltry £ 400 ) , the proceeds of two car boot sales and even spent ( in advance ) my payments for some CDs / DVDs that I 've sent off to a company that buys them , as well as some audio typing work I 've done , I don 't have anywhere near enough to cover the costs of sorting the flat out . The upshot is - I 'm staying right here until early January . Being more inclined to boil my head in oil than return to the Civil Service ( despite only being on a career break ) , I 'm now job hunting . I 've registered with temp agencies and am scanning Gumtree , the Friday - Ad and anywhere else I can think of for four months ' earning potential . If anyone knows of a job going in central Brighton , let me know ! ! While I 've been sorting out my flat , I 've been trying to get myself some karma points by Freecycling some things . In the process , I 've been trawling through the Brighton and Hove Freecycle sites , looking at the " Wanted " ads , to see if I can help out . I 've got rid of a few bits but I 've been constantly entertained by the weird and wondeful things some people actually look for on there , or their reasons for wanting them . For example : OFFER : 2 Freeview boxes : Two with remotes on offer . The Grundig works . The Humax is about 2 years old and I can 't work it as I am a girl . Cathy had told me about a casual , drop - in tennis club so I thought I 'd give that a try . As a warm - up , I decided to walk to the club - 40 minutes , mostly uphill . So I was knackered when I got there ! They were very welcoming and I was thrown on court immediately as there were actually only two of us there at the advertised start time . I knocked up for half an hour with Richard , who I think was quite gentle with me as I told him I hadn 't played for almost 18 months ! More people turned up and we started the doubles matches . We were randomly paired up over the next two hours , I played with or against almost everyone there . Won our first match 6 - 2 , then lost 3 - 6 and 4 - 6 . Could have been a lot worse ! It 's a very sociable club so at the end I spent half an hour in the clubhouse with a much - needed beer before embarking on the long walk home . Other than my usual " wet rag " impression , and having a face the colour of someone who 's about to have a heart attack , I didn 't feel too bad . Then it all caught up with me . On Saturday and Sunday , everything ached ! My calf muscles felt like someone was sticking knives in them and my shoulders were making alarming grinding noises . Still , I felt better for actually having done something ! By Monday , I 'd just about stopped aching - so I went to a local badminton club ! Again , they were a nice bunch though I think their website statement that they 're mixed ability might have been a bit misleading . Some of them were VERY good ! Still , I was pleased to find that despite not having played for 18 months , I could still actually play . All was going well - won the first match 21 - 15 then , like at the tennis , the groups mixed up . In the next match I spun / dived for an evil backhand smash from our opponents and felt ( and heard ) a rather nasty tearing sound from my right knee . OUCH ! ( Won the bloody point though ! ) Not wanting to wuss out , I carried on as the game was nearly over anyway and two points later it was over - we lost - and I hobbled off to see what the damage was . I was a bit concerned when I found that it hurt to bend it , straighten it or turn it ! One of the others gave me some ibuprofen rub for it so I sat out for a game then decided there was only one way to find out if I should worry about it a bit more . So I played one more game ( which we lost ) - it stood up ( no pun intended ) to the challenge reasonably well , though I couldn 't run backwards on it and I was very reluctant to twist . It seemed like a bad idea to risk it any further so , with 40 minutes still to go , I made my excuses and left . This may be too much information but . . . it was bloody hot in the hall so yet again , I could have wrung out everything I was wearing ( clearly my DNA missed the class about " women don 't sweat " ! ) . However , I hadn 't planned on using the changing room showers so I had no towel . Oh well , I thought ! After my quick ( cold ) shower - gotta love private girls ' schools - I attempted to dry off using my soggy sports gear ! Memories of my school changing rooms came flooding back as I realised that it 's actually impossible to get dry in them , towel or not . And to add a final insult to ( actual ) injury , I discovered that whilst I 'd remembered to pack a change of clothes , I 'd forgotten one rather vital item . To put it bluntly , I had to go commando for the walk home ! ! ! Soooooooooo , I 'm back in Brighton for the summer ! It 's been an interesting couple of weeks so far . There 's so much to do in the flat before I head back to Madrid that I think my head 's going to explode ! I 've got To Do lists galore and they 're going VERY slowly . OK , scratch that . I ' M going very slowly ! No excuses . I 've just been very guilty of faffing about on the net , Facebook and watching trashy TV . There 's just so much to do that I don 't really know where to start . But - in the last couple of days I 've made some headway finally . I 've organised a meeting with a letting agent , and have details of another . I 've arranged to have the smashed mirrored wardrobe door replaced ( a mirror I smashed over 8 years ago ! ) . I 've contacted my stepsister to pick her brains about renting the place out in case there are alternatives to paying the extortionate fees for an agent . The one thing I haven 't even started on is trying to find a foster / adoptive home for the cat . Mainly because I can 't actually imagine putting her in the catbox and taking her to live somewhere else . It 's HEARTBREAKING ! In an attempt to at least do something about my increasing jiggly bits , I 've been trying to walk every day ( not terribly successfully ! ) , tonight I 'm taking the plunge and going to a drop - in tennis night at a local club to embarrass myself with a group of total strangers , then on Monday I 'm going to a local badminton club . Let 's hope it turns out a little better than the last proper club I went to , about 12 years ago . After a few weeks , I was given a rather clear choice : stop playing like a bloke or find a different club ! ! ! Basically , it was one of those clubs where the women wore velour tracksuits , never broke a sweat , touched up their makeup during the evening , and barely hit the shuttlecock hard enough to clear the net . Me ? Run around like a demon , smash wherever possible , play to win . Apparently not " ladylike " ! ! ! Needless to say , I accepted their kind offer and left ! Fortunately , since then I 've always been able to play with / against people who actually want to play ! Hopefully Monday night will be good . I 'm looking forward to it . But let 's get the tennis night out the way first . I 'm hoping they 'll forgive the fact that my back issues mean I 'm not able ( or allowed ) to serve properly . Then at the end of May , Julia and Mike came for a belated anniversary trip . They were staying in the centre of town so we met up a few times , went to the Retiro , El Capricho , ate at the very lovely Isla del Tesoro ( still my favourite veggie restaurant ) and generally just " did " Madrid ! It was nice to be a tourist again even if I did also have to demonstrate that living somewhere doesn 't necessarily mean you know where you 're going ! It was great to see them and I think ( I hope ! ) they had fun ! Annoyingly , I managed to forget to take my camera out even once , so I 'm hoping Julia uploads her photos sometime soon ( hint , hint ! ) At the very end of June , it was Sid 's turn . It didn 't get off to the best start as she flew in on the same day I ( semi - unexpectedly ) had to move out of my flat and into a hostal , and on the third day of the chaotic Metro strike ! She finally joined me at the hostal at 1 . 15am Wednesday night ( well , Thursday morning ) . On Thursday , once I 'd picked up my final pay of the summer , we hit the Retiro for the afternoon . Ice - cream , laughing at the rowers on the lake and sunning ourselves passed a couple of hours . We walked back to the hostal via a quick exhibition at La Caixa Forum , and La Mallorquina for afternoon tea then spent a relaxed evening in the nearby square with Julie and Natalee . On Friday , after a brekkie at the hostal of knobby bread and cheese , we headed out to a couple of photography exhibitions ( PhotoEspana 10 ) . We wandered back to the hostal to pack for the weekend in Alcoy ( for Kim , 's 50th birthday party ) and then off to the airport ( on the way we got on the Cercanias going the wrong way and had to jump off at the very last second , trapping poor Sid 's arm in the door and causing a spectacular swelling and bruise ! Sorry Sid ! ) Our flight was delayed a bit but we finally made it to Alicante and found our welcome committee ( Kim , her son Matt , his girlfriend Silvia and Kim 's friend Silvia 2 ) . Kim 's lovely friend Silvia very kindly drove us to Alcoy , Kim , 's hometown , about 45 mins inland from Alicante , dropped us off at the Savoy ( yeah , OK , not the famous one ! ) where we changed and hit the main square to meet the others . We 'd bumped into Geraldine at the door of the hotel so the three of us went to meet Alex and Marta , who had flown in from New York and Zaragoza ) , then were soon joined by Kim , her niece Lisa ( in from Australia ! ) , Matt and Silvia , Fay and Stuart ( Kim 's friends from Devon ) and Jay , who we discovered was going to be the DJ at the party on Saturday night . Alcoy was much more buzzy than I 'd expected and at 1am we walked to the weird and wonderful Gaudi Bar ( not the name , but it 's based on various GaHaving discovered that the hotel dining room doesn 't open at weekends , we went back to the main square for Saturday morning breakfast - tasty and cheap hot chocolate and croissants . The rest of the group were heading into the mountains for a huge slap - up lunch but Sid and I had promised ourselves a day at the beach so we went off on the 90 - minute bus journey to Alicante . At first glance , the beach looked a bit like one of those " Yuk " pictures of classic Spanish tourist beaches - absolutely packed , with sunbeds lined up like rows of sardines in a tin . We were surprised to find that the majority of the people were Spanish though . We found ourselves a small patch of sand and settled in . It was damn hot so after a few minutes it was time for my first dip in the sea since September 2008 ! Sid wussed out , only making it in up to her knees before deciding it was too cold , but I 'd been looking forward to this for months , so in I plunged for a lovely long refreshing swim . A couple of hours of sunbathing and a bite to eat , and it was time to head back to Alcoy for the party ! Having initially gone to the wrong address ( not our fault ! ) we eventually found the party , being held at Kim 's school . The party coincided with the quarter final of the World Cup , with Spain playing Paraguay , so the first couple of hours were a little quiet , with the majority of the guests inside watching the TV , but after that the party got into full swing . There was stacks of alcohol , a huge table of cold foods and then no less than 3 barbecues ! Great mix of people , Spaniards and Anglos so there was plenty of chatting and laughter . Kim certainly seemed to be having a good time ! But as all good things do , it came to an end and we weaved our way back to the hotel . On Sunday , we all headed to Kim 's , helped clear up the party stuff at the school , then went for a slap - up Italian meal with far too much wine , and then ( at Kim 's insistence ! ) , 2 bottles of champagne . We finally had to leave when we realised the restaurant had actually closed , so we went back to Kim 's just in time for me to see the final 4 points of the Wimbledon final ( yay , Nadal won ! ) , more wine before Matt kindly drove 4 of us to the airport . Great weekend ! For the next two days , Sid and I walked , ate and drank our way around Madrid . More sunbathing was required , as were a couple more photography exhibitions . Tuesday evening was my last night in Madrid so an evening in El Buscon was the predictable result . Joined by Louise , Jorge , Philip , Sian and Richi , we had a fun time . Jorge had brought his VERY expensive guitar along for me to play with . Fortunately , the music in the bar was loud enough to drown out my picking and warbling but I was certainly impressed with the guitar . Now he just needs to learn to play it ! Before we knew it , Wednesday arrived and after one final morning sunning ourselves on the rather steep slope of grass under the suicide bridge ( ! ) we had to face the packing ! I was convinced there was no way it was all going to fit in but finally , after a lot of sitting on suitcases , it was all in and we made the trip to the airport on the Metro . Dragging all that luggage in 36 degrees was interesting ! I 'm very grateful for the fact that the Easyjet staff at Madrid are a bit more relaxed than they are at Gatwick - luggage allowance each was 20kg . My case weighed 23kg and Sid 's ( which mostly contained my stuff ! ) was 24 . 5kg ! Ouch . At € 16 per kilo excess luggage , my heart ( and my credit card ) skipped a beat , but the check - in guy didn 't bat an eyelid and we waved goodbye to our cases . In my first year and a bit in Spain , I 've learnt a lot . Admittedly , I 've probably forgotten a lot of it , but here 's a list of some of the weird / wonderful / bizarre / pointless things I 've picked up . Feel free to add to them in the Comments section if , like me , you 've been lucky enough to live in Spain for a bit . 1 ) Guys christened José are frequently called Pepe . It took a while to find out why but I finally discovered that it comes from the fact that José is the Spanish version of Joseph . Joseph was , allegedly , the father of Jesus . " Alleged father " in Spanish is " padre putativo " , which begins which 2 Ps . P , in Spanish , is pronounced like " Pay " , so put 2 Ps together and you get " Pay - pay " or Pepe ! 15 ) The word for Sir is " señor " , for Madam it 's " señora " , for Miss it 's " señorita " . However , for Master , you might expect " señorito " . No . Señorito is apparently a somewhat disparaging old term for a rich man who owned a lot of land . 18 ) Felix Rodriguez de la Fuente - Spain 's equivalent of David Attenborough . Also known as El Hombre de la Tierra ( Man of the Earth ) . He made lots of nature programs in the 1970s but in the early 80s was killed in a helicopter crash while working . 23 ) Most people I speak to here can 't believe that we don 't have ID cards in the UK , nor can they understand the opposition to them . They 're surprised that we don 't have a single document that we 're legally obliged to carry round with us to prove our ID in case we 're stopped by the police . I guess since the new government scrapped them , it 'll be a shorter answer from me when I 'm asked about them . 25 ) Giving English classes in cafés doesn 't really work . I tried it a couple of times but the noise is too much and the students are usually rather self - conscious . While sitting in a café on my own I watched a guy give a class across the room and it clearly wasn 't successful . I won 't be doing it again . 26 ) I still can 't get used to the Spanish newspapers referring to the queen as " Reina Isabel II " . The first time I saw it I thought , " How funny , they got her name wrong " , forgetting that all names in the public eye are translated to the Spanish version . Isabel = Elizabeth . Weird . 27 ) Metro strikes are a real pain ! Legally , the Metro staff are obliged to offer a 50 % service even during industrial action , but at the end of last month , they called a 2 - day all - out strike . Chaos ! 28 ) Staying up drinking / partying all night , then going for brekkie and heading home about 10am is pretty normal . Not for me . Too damn old for that ! Disappointingly , after only one set of Nadal 's first round match at Wimbledon , I had to leave to go to teach . Off I went into the blazing sun , onto the AC - free Metro , off the Metro one stop before my student 's class because the line is shut . Walked for 20 minutes to her building , pressed the buzzer , waited , waited a bit longer , buzzed again . Finally , a voice said " Si ? " " It 's Emma " I said , cheerfully . Silence . " Oh . I . Um . I . Er . . . " Entryphone went dead , leaving me standing in the street burning my bonce ! Then my mobile rang . It was my student , who said " I thought I told you I had to cancel class today " . And yes , she had . Last week . When I didn 't have my diary with me , so when I got home last week , I wrote it in the wrong week and showed next week 's class as cancelled . Crap ! Oh well , head home to catch maybe the end of the Nadal match , I thought . Over to the bus stop with me for the nice , quiet , air - conditioned number 21 which comes every 6 or 7 minutes . Or not . 20 minutes later , it finally turned up . On I got , and plonked myself at the back for the short ride . At the next stop , I thought maybe I 'd entered some kind of alternative dimension . Waiting at the stop , for my bus , was a huge group of pensioners along with their , um , supervisors ? Helpers ? Guards ? Whatever ! There were 55 of them ( yes , I counted ) - 45 excited ( drunk ? ) and very chatty " people of the third age " and 10 nuns ! On they piled , taking as long to get on as my entire journey should have taken . It was hot and loud and very squashed . When I could see my stop coming up , I rang the bell and struggled valiantly to get out of my seat and to the exit . To absolutely no avail . There was no getting past this sea of age and wisdom . The bus stopped for about 2 seconds then drove off again . I managed to escape the bus hell at the next stop which turned out to be much closer to Metro Alonso Martinez , than to Bilbao where I 'd wanted to get off . Fine . I 'll get the Metro there , change lines and get home ! So I descended the 4 escalators to the steaming depths of Line 10 where another AC - free Metro whisked me to Plaza de Castilla where just one more change would have me in sight of the flat . Or not . Again . This time , an inexplicable problem ( OK , that should be incomprehensible cos I didn 't understand half the tannoy announcement ) meant no Line 1 . So back up to the roasting hot street with me to walk home . I 've been teaching here for over a year now and , until recently , had , by choice , stuck with adult students . However , 3 weeks ago one of my students asked me to teach her 8 - year - old son ( who shall remain nameless , despite the many names I feel like calling him , none of which are the one he was christened ! ) She told me that he hates English classes at school and she wanted someone to make English fun for him ( I resisted the temptation to tell her that , generally , I also hate something - children ! ) She told me that since I seem so bubbly and friendly ( which , considering I teach her at 8am , was a surprising opinion ) she thought I would be ideal . Maybe I was swayed by the compliment , maybe I just thought it was about time I gave it a try . Whatever the reason , I said yes , and 3 Fridays ago I started classes at 6 . 15 on a Friday evening with him . Week 2 was a little more difficult - in my bag of " toys " was a small , soft football which he found very early on . We played with it , throwing it to each other , with him shouting out the next number in a sequence , or giving me the next letter in the alphabet . More games with the plastic veg and some animal flashcards seemed to go down well , and 3 days later , his mum told me that he was very happy and that he 'd said I was " muy simpatico " ! So far so good . Tonight was our 3rd class . I was actually pretty geared up for it though I won 't go so far as to say I was looking forward to it . It 's my last class of the week , but I was determined not to let that affect it . However , he 's a kid . It 's his " end of the week " feeling too . He gets home from school at 6pm , probably looking forward to his weekend . But no , he has English class . Tonight was a trial - for both of us . When I arrived , he got out his box full of foreign money to show me . I guess he thought I was just going to look at it , be impressed , then do whatever he wanted . Oh no ! I was determined , so we divided it up into the different currencies , I explained the difference between coins and notes , then we starting listing how much money he had in each different currency . Good practice for : numbers , names of countries , and the verb " I have got . . . . . " Great for about 20 minutes , then he lost it completely . He threw the money back in the box and told me , in no uncertain terms , that he didn 't want to study , or work , or speak English . He only wanted to play with the football . I tried everything - " How about 5 minutes study , then 5 minutes football ? " I said , hopefully . " No . " " 5 minutes football , then 5 minutes study ? " " No . " Whatever I said , he said no . Then he sat in his chair , turned his back on me and sulked . I felt like doing the same . " Aha " , I thought , " everyone tells me that silly songs and stuff work with kids " . So out came the felt - tip pens , a picture of a rainbow and my best rendition of " Red and yellow and pink and green , orange and purple and blue . . . " etc . Cue him nicking my coloured pens , scribbling pictures of something inexplicable all over the sheets of paper , and refusing to join in with the song . Then he put my pens back in their box and tried to put them in his school bag . I retrieved them . While I was doing so , he dived into my bag of props and pinched the packet of stickers that he 's only supposed to get when he 's done well . I got those back from him , after a tug - of - war with them ! I can 't remember what prompted it , but at one point I actually found myself saying " Am I going to have to go and get your father ? " That worked for a bit and he concentrated , vaguely . For the last 5 minutes , we were back to the " throw the ball , say the next number . . . . " game . And finally it was over . This is why I didn 't want to teach kids in the first place . 4 more classes with him til I finish for the summer . The question is , do I agree to continue with him in September ? I don 't like giving up on things - I 'm just stubborn like that . But there are some things that I 'm just pretty sure I 'm not cut out for , and teaching kids is ( and always was ) one of them . It 's been one of those weeks . My mind has been somewhere else all week - or rather , it 's been in various different places . Unfortunately , those places have rarely coincided with the location of my body . 1 ) When we first moved to Brighton when I was about 3 , we got 2 guinea pigs called ( for reasons that are lost in the mists of time ) Telephone and Fred Egg ( yes , Fred , not Fried ! ) I don 't really remember much about them other than the smell of sawdust in the cage . There was also a tortoise in the back garden when we moved in , if I remember rightly , which had been left there by the previous occupants . I have absolutely no idea what happened to that ! 2 ) Next came our first cat , Sparky , when I was about 7 . My aunt was working at a vet 's surgery and Sparky was brought in with a dislocated back hip . For some reason , I think the owner didn 't want him back , or couldn 't pay for surgery , or something , so my aunt rang my mum and asked if there was any chance we 'd like a cat . Oh yes , we would ! So shortly afterwards , a rather startled black and white cat joined the household . When we got him , his back leg was still healing and he wasn 't meant to climb so we had to take him out in the back garden on a little lead . He was a temperamental little sod , prone to hiding under my parents ' bed , where I would lie down on the floor and try to coax him out , usually receiving a swift swipe for my efforts ( the scar from one of which can still faintly be seen between my eyebrows ) . He had a great fight with a starling once and , needless to say , the starling won - by getting into an overturned dustbin in the back yard and fighting Sparky off with fiercely flapping wings and a very sharp beak . I think he learnt his lesson . I remember him out in the back garden in deep snow once , doing that gorgeous thing cats do where they pick their paws up really high over the top of the snow , before plunging them down again and looking completely baffled ! He stayed with us for about 10 years until sadly he had to be put down one day . I still can 't think about the day I came home from college and found he was gone without a tear or two . 3 ) Next , when I was about 10 , came the mice ! The school mouse had had babies and the teacher was looking for people to take them home . Being the rebellious little brat that I was , I told the teacher that my parents had said it was fine and I sauntered off home with 2 of them in a shoe - box . I came very close to having to take them back to school but I won out in the end and Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent ( guess what was on TV at the time ) moved into the spare room where their frantic wheel - spinning wouldn 't keep everyone awake ! All was well until the day we all left the house , unaware of the fact that Sparky had slunk into the spare room and was now shut in there with them . When my mum came home from work she found mouse massacre ! Sparky had pulled the cage off the table , it had flown open and Ford Prefect was very dead . Arthur Dent had miraculously survived but not for long . I think he pined away within a couple of weeks . 4 ) When my mum and I moved into her new place when I was 18 , we adopted a ridiculously cute black kitten from a very strange mad cat woman in a flat above a taxi despatcher 's office ( strange the things you remember ) . She must have had about 20 cats in there and needless to say I wanted to take them all home , but sanity prevailed and the tiny ball of black fluff joined the household . We took a while coming up with a name for this one , but my ( then ) boyfriend and I were reading a fantasy trilogy at the time , so the poor little thing got saddled with Tasselhoff Burrfoot ( Tass for short ) . Tass was the sole witness to a burglary at the house and I recall being absolutely terrified when I heard that we 'd been burgled , that they might have hurt the cat . Fortunately , no ! When the boyfriend and I bought a place of our own 6 years later , Tass came with us . He was king of the castle , until . . . . . 7 ) . . . . . . we did what couples who don 't want to have a kid do - we got a dog ! Smudger was a fruit - the - loop crazy whippet / cross , who we rescued from the National Canine Defence League . He was absolutely gorgeous , very bouncy and liked nothing better than jumping up on the kitchen worktops , once knocking an entire dinner service onto the floor in the process . I think it was that that gave us a clue that he 'd been mistreated because when we went into the kitchen having heard the noise , he was cowering in a corner . I went over to him and reached my arm up to turn on the light , but when my arm raised , he shrunk back even further and whimpered as if he was expecting to be hit . With hindsight , he really wasn 't best suited to our lifestyle . We were out at work from 7 . 30 every morning , til about 6 at night , which left him home alone and , being not much more than a year old , he was very boisterous and bored easily . We had to put locks on the outside of all the doors so during the day he could only get into the kitchen and the hallways . Not that that stopped him causing chaos . He managed to get hold of a bottle of black shoe - polish once , sank his teeth into it and then carried it round the house shaking his head from side to side . When we got in from work , there was black polish everywhere ! All over the beige carpets , up the cream walls , you name it ! We couldn 't help but laugh . When the relationship ended and I moved out , things became unworkable and my ex rang me one day to say that he was going to have to take Smudger back to the rescue centre , and wanted me to go too . I swear I have never felt so bad in my life as I did on the drive over there , with Smudger in the back of the car , no doubt thinking he was going for an exciting walk . Taking him back into the reception area , explaining the situation , signing the paperwork and leaving him there was one of the hardest things I 've ever done . But I 'm quite certain that the rescue people will have found him a new home very quickly , with people who were home during the day and g8 - 13 ) In 1997 , while I was sharing a flat with Sid , we decided that the place was missing something ! Sid really wanted house rabbits but that plan just didn 't work out . So we went off to Foal Farm , a rescue centre near Biggin Hill , and found ourselves in the " rodent caravan " where a volunteer lived 24 / 7 with dozens of mice , rats , gerbils etc . I may have got this lot in the wrong order , but over the next 3 years we had : a hamster called Feck ( again with the TV show theme ! ) who , as hamsters do , succumbed about 2 years later and was buried on our allotment ; a gerbil whose name totally escapes me ( I 'm sure Sid will remember ) ; and 4 rats called Lewis , Kellerman , Pembleton and Bayliss ( yes , characters from Homicide : Life on the Street , our favourite show at the time ) . The rats were a revelation ! Incredibly intelligent , they learnt their names , were capable of tricks though we never taught them any as that seemed a bit exploitative . We let them out of their cage as often as possible and they happily had the run of the flat , though their favourite position was sitting on our shoulders with their whiskers tickling our ears and their very strong tails curled round our necks . A few of our friends remained unconvinced and we had to put them out of sight when some people visited ! My overriding memory of all those rodents is when Feck managed to escape once . About 3 days went by and we just couldn 't catch the little git though at night he would come out of wherever he was hiding and eat the food we left out for him . We found a potential trick for catching him on the internet , so one night we laid a trail of tin foil on the hall carpet , with a stash of food near the door to our bedrooms . The idea was that his little claws would be heard on the tinfoil alerting us to his presence . At about 3am , we heard the telltale noise and we emerged from our respective bedrooms , clutching a sieve each . There he was , on the tin foil , looking damn annoyed that he appeared to have been rumbled and , like American football players diving for a 14 ) And now to the present day . Having been in my flat for 5 years , in 2005 I was really missing the company of a pet so I started the long and it appeared fruitless , search for a housecat . My flat in Brighton is right on a main road and doesn 't have a garden so I needed a cat that would be happy living indoors . I didn 't want to adopt a cat that had previously been used to going out so I need to find one that actually needed to be kept in . Finally , the lovely guy at City Cat Shelter told me he thought he had the perfect candidate . I went to his house where he had a rescue facility in the back garden , and was introduced to a sorry - looking mass of chocolate and white long fur . Missy ( as she was then called ) had been abandoned on his front doorstep with a note that said the owner was moving to a new property where she wasn 't allowed to have cats . It gave little information other than the name , the fact that she was about 3 years old and had been bought from a pedigree breeder . However , it turned out that she had some medical problems which the breeder hadn 't mentioned ( what a surprise ) so in all likelihood the owner probably just didn 't want her any more . She 'd caught cat flu and had been at the vet 's for the last 2 weeks with a high probability that she wouldn 't survive . She had various areas of fur missing where she 'd been on IV drips and antibiotics , and she generally looked pathetic . She was terrified of other cats and just hid at the back of her little cage . On my first visit , she wouldn 't let me pick her up so I sat on the floor of the shed and just talked to her . I was smitten , but was advised to go back again a week later for another go , to make sure I hadn 't changed my mind . This time , she was looking better and I even got a brief cuddle . My mind was made up and a week later , the guy from the rescue centre brought her to the flat . He told me that one of her medical conditions was a strange weakness in her spine that meant her back legs didn 't work properly , that she would be a " floor cat " as she couldn 't juSo there you have it - my life history as seen through my pets .

Its winning day today . I was watching what I thought would be the final minutes of the Gold Medal Canada - USA mens hockey game . arg , tied 2 - 2 . What better to do than draw the winner for these wonderful mittens . I wrote a list of all the entries for each commenter , and then numbered them . Then I went to Random . org and had them generate a random number in my range to determine the winner . The winner is Dorte in Denmark . Will be sending her a message right away . Now back to the game . John Sutter spent 3 years sailing the oceans and then 7 more in self imposed exile in London , England . Now he has returned to Long Island , New York to settle the affairs of his client and friend Ethel Allard . His ex - wife Susan Stanhope Sutter has also returned and is living in the old family home , metres from Ethel 's cottage where John is staying . This wouldn 't be too bad , unless you consider that the last day they lived together as husband and wife , Susan had murdered her lover Frank Bellarosa , mafia don . If that doesn 't sound complicated , factor in that Frank 's son Anthony , amother of his new neighbours , has paid a visit to John , and asked if he 'll work for him . This is the longest book I have read in some time , 770 pages . I will admit to being ambivalent for the first 100 pages , not sure that I wanted to continue . I questioned whether I wanted to read a story about the mafia . I kept at it , and somewhere around page 120 I was totally hooked . I realized that the story was about John and Susan . What had happened in their marriage and did they want to do anything to ' fix it ' . John also had to consider the other women in his life , Samantha and Elizabeth . Were they important to him or rather a means of marking time . At the same time John had to deal effectiving with Anthony . How to tell a mafia don that you don 't want to work for him , but also keep breathing . I enjoyed how this story played out . My favourite quote from the story : " you 're not supposed to invite a vampire to cross your threshold , and I think the same rule applies for sons of dead Mafia don 's . " I am glad that I continued reading as I found myself enjoying the characters more and more as the story went along . I can 't fathom being as wealthy as Susan 's family , but can visualize the challenges John faced in dealing with her parents and the threat of her being cut off from her inheritence . While away in Collingwood , Ontario during the New Years holidays , I happened into ' Cover - to - Cover ' , a used book store at 11 Ontario Street . It is jam packed , floor to ceiling with thousands of books . I wanted a Canadian written erotic novel for a friend and shouldn 't be surprised that I found it there . Of course I had to read it first before I could send it along . The story begins aboard the ' Fantasy Cruise Line ' where Cassidy Ferrill is seeking revenge on Sloan Hardt because he broke her heart years ago when they were both much younger . On this ship any fantasy can be fulfilled . Since this is an erotic novel , I 'll let you imagine the details . Yes , much time is spent in bed , but equal time is spent with Cassidy and Sloan getting to know each other as adults . They learn that the other is no longer the youth they think they still know . For me , the best part of the story involved the shelter for young / unwed / needy mothers and children that Cassidy was working to establish . A fun read , not much depth , but then again this genre doesn 't need depth to be entertaining . Author Kathleen Lawless has several other titles available . Check her website for details . This is my 18th read for the 3rd Canadian Book Challenge . On a cold winter day I need something that will stick to my ribs and help keep me warm . Stew definitely hits the spot . Not wanted to make it beef based , I went for a favourite ' Reggae Gumbo ' . It 's from the ' LooneySpoons ' cookbook by Janet & Greta Podleski . While this 1996 book is not longer available new , its was a huge seller and I have seen copies in the used book stores . The sisters do have a new cookbook out ' Eat . Shrink and be Merry ' . I have no doubt that it contains equally wonderful recipes . As I have told you before , I tend to make the same recipes from a particular book again and again . From this book that would be : Wowie Maui Chicken , Salmon Spy Rolls , Puddin ' on the Ritz , N . Y . P . D . Blueberry Pancakes , and Tidy Joes . My only complaint with this book is that it can sometimes be hard to figure out what the dish is from the wacky names . This week i made the Reggae Gumbo , which my mom said was the best stew she had ever tasted and asked for the recipe . I asked her is she remember that cookbook she gave to my sister and me and one for herself ? Yes , she already has the cookbook . Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium - high heat . Add pork cubes and cook until browned , about 8 - 10 minutes . Add mushrooms , onions , garlic , and celery . Cook and stir until vegetables are tender , about 5 minutes . Stir in tomatoes , tomato paste , cumin , ginger root , oregano , pepper , and crushed red pepper flakes . Bring to a boil . Reduce heat to medium - low . Cover and simmer for 45 minutes , stirring occasionally . stir in sweet potatoes and okra or zucchini . Cover and simmer another 30 - 35 minutes , until pork and potatoes are very tender . Stir in coriander during last 5 minutes of cooking time . Remove from heat and serve . Most of my needlework activity this week has been limited to the ' Wild Blue Yonder ' blocks that I started 2 weeks ago . I had to purchase addtional fabric on saturday as I was still short the dark fabric for two blocks and didn 't have enough background . Well , I didn 't like the back ground fabric in the block shown in the upper right hand corner , so had to cut 2 replacement blocks . will piece 22 blocks , though will only be using 20 in the final quilt . I have been thinking about the boarder . I want to finish the pinwheel and 1 / 4 square blocks that are around the edge and have cut a number of additional triangels for that , though haven 't put them up on the wall yet . Next perhaps . Any suggestions for border ? ? ? Knitting : I have touched my needles but not much accomplished . I did try and knit and watch the Olympics , but that involved too much ripping back due to missed yarn overs and such . I should stick to stitching together my blocks for the Bernat Knit along . The final assembly instructions for the knit border are now posted . Each case is horrific enough on its own , now thirty years after the occurance of the first , all three have come to the attention of ex - police inspector Jackson Brodie . For the life of me , I couldn 't imagine how author Kate Atkinson was going to pull these stories together . The only thing they seemed to have in common , was the grief of the victims ' families . Retire lawyer Theo Wyre is a father torn by grief . I can 't imagine what a parent would go through at the lose of a child in such a traumatic manner . I found his character intriguing . He would feed his daughters the healthiest of foods , yet comsume huge quantities of very fatty foods himself . He knew he should exercise , yet would cheat and take a taxi . So real . This story would have been nothing without Jackson Brodie , ex - Police Inspector turned Private Investigator . His life is a mess , divorced , small business that is possibly failing , lack of a love life , and now 3 clients who want him to solve the seemingly impossible . oh yeah , and then there is his very first client , Binky Rains , a slightly nutty old lady who constantly calls Jackson to find her supposedly missing cats . She really didn 't do anything active in this story , but as a passive participant she was invaluable . I didn 't love this book . In fact it scared me . Drugs , pornography , murders and random violence . This is a world that is so foreign to my comfortable , middle class existence . It kept me on the verge of tears , and created a knot in my stomach that threatened to tighten with each violent act . Tom and Paulie are trying to escape all this for the sake of their young daughter Melody . They are having a rough go of it . Paulie attends daily NA ( Narcotics Anonymous ) meetings and has kept clean for 3 years . Between his alcholic mother and his psycopath cousin Jeremy , Tom 's not having much success . He has done things with and for his cousin that few of us could ever imagine . Using a sledge hammer to pound human bones to shards being one that made me cringe . This story is gritty and it gets right into your soul . I 'm not going to embrace it and remember it fondly . Its going to come back and haunt me . I am going to see each of these characters as I walk along some dank , shadowy alley . One thing that I found made this book so successful at conveying this creepy feeling was the way the story jumped around in time . If it had been told beginning to end , I could have dealt with that . I was kept unbalanced by not knowing when I was at all times . Very successful technique . I would definitely read more by Ms . Robinson , she can use words to create realities so vivid that I had to pull my quilt tighter around me after making sure all the lights in the room were on . What could be better than a large batch of fresh blueberry pancakes to tell your Valentines that you love them . I had already decided to make pancakes for Valentines breakfast , when son came down to ask if I would mind making pancakes . Was he reading my mind ? or are my pancakes better than my sister 's ? ( he is currently living with my sister ) . I went to my fall back cookbook , ' Five Roses : A Guide to Good Cooking 25th edition " . This is the book that I used when I was baking my wedding cake . Its rather falling apart now and I have been checking used book stores to find a copy of the same edition . There are at least 2 editions of this book currently available ( 1999 , 2003 ) . Combine flour , sugar , baking powder and salt . In a small bowl , combine beaten egg , milk , oil , and vanilla . Make a well in the center of the dry ingredients and pour liquid all at once . Add blueberrs and lemon rind . Stir quickly until it comes freely from side of bowl . Drop in small amounts on hot panckae griddle or cook 4 at a time in an electric frying pan . Grease frying pan at the beginning only . Cook pancakes until they are filled with bubbles and the undersuface is golden brown . Turn and brown other side . Watch the bubbles carefully , they will tell you when to turn . When a bubble breaks , if the surrounding batter quickly fills in that hole , then don 't turn , when the bubble breaks and the batter is very slow to fill the hole , time to turn over . You should also notice that the top outer edges of the pancake will be cooked at the same time . It really is a matter of practice to know when to turn . The second side will cook in less than half the time of the first . To test if you griddle is hot enough , flick a few drops of water on it , they should dance around not lie there waiting to evapourate . I read a story in my local paper this morning that spoke to me . It confirmed my belief that by sitting around a quilt frame with a group of your peers / friends / acquaintences / strangers can have a profound effect on your day or even on your life . Inmates at the women 's prison in Kitchener , Ontario have been working together to stitch and then knot comforters for those less fortunate than themselves . Not only are they doing something good for others , they are helping themselves heal from whatever is broken in their own lives . You still have 3 more days to enter to win a pair of these popular mittens . I will close entries at midnight on friday 19th February , Olympic time . I 'll be asleep by then , but comments get time stamped . Canadians are eligible to enter , though they must nominate someone with an international address to receive the mitts should they win . Could be a relative , co - worker or an online friend . Go to my first post to read the rules and leave your entry comment there . Good Luck . I 'd like to introduce you all to my mom , Elaine . She is proudly modelling the new scarf that I made her . She really doesn 't like getting her picture taken , so you have to applaud her for being brave . I think I made a pretty good guess on yarn colour . Its the ' Dusty Purple ' Vanna 's Choice from Lion Brand . The pattern is one of their free ones called ' Gloria Scarf ' . I am glad I gave this one a try . It is made of 8 units , but you don 't sew them together after knitting , you pick up stitches from one of the side edges . In the past I grumbled when ever I had to pickup stitches , but this time I was patient and slipped my left hand needle under and existing loop at the very edge and then knit a new stitch . This turned out so nice and with no lump on the back . My socks that I knit have a ridge on the inside where I picked up stitches . I am so happy that I now know the secret . yippee ! ! ! I finished another quilt . ( small happy dance ) . It is for my friend Karen . She gave me a couple of boxes of assorted fabrics and I wanted to surprise her with a small quilt . Well , it kinda grew till it measured 60 x 76 inches . Batting is Hobbs Polydown . Nice and fluffy . The backing is a dark burgandy and blue floral type print . The pattern is from Quiltville . com and is called ' Bricks and Stepping Stones ' . Very easy to make , lots of 4 patches and then brick size pieces . You can 't tell in the picture , but the quilting is straight lines along the brick sides and then diagonals thru the 4patches . I can 't wait to visit her , she lives out of town in beautiful Stratford , Ontario , home of the world famous Shakespearian Stratford Festival . I kept working on the ' Wild Blue Yonder ' blocks that I talked about last Tuesday . Then I only had one completed , but now as you can see , I have 5 . Also , today arrived a package of fabric , several of which I ordered specifically for these blocks . I did make a mistake and order flannel versions of two , so they won 't be included . oops . Come back next week and I 'll feature more of these blocks . I am working away on my final block for the Bernat Knit Along . Finally . When i visited my sister on ' Family Day ' I asked her opinion on whether i needed to block the squares to size . She figures that once I have sewn them together and added the border , they will stretch themselves to the correct size and happily stay that way . You can 't imagine how happy I am with that plan . I really didn 't want to wet and pin 24 squares . I plan to have pics of this one next week as well . It 's ' Family Day ' today in Ontario . Shortly I will be off to London to visit with my sister Shelley ( the one in the red shirt ) and her family . We are going to cook , eat , chat and just plain enjoy each other 's company . Will take the blocks I have stitched for the ' Bernat Knit along ' to get some pointers from her before stitching them together . My other sister , Nancy ( the one in the red scarf that I knit her , and also does the blog " Give Away a Dollar A Day " lives in Calgary Albera , so she will be attending in spirit . She said on her blog yesterday , that when she gives away a ' loonie ' we win a gold medal . She is going to give away a whole bunch more ' loonies ' . ( A loonie is the affectionate nickname for a Canadian one dollar coin , whereas a twoonie , is a two dollar coin ) . I want to the library sale at the next town yesterday . I was told that they had 40 000 books that they needed to move out of storage real fast . Instead of charging per book , there was a $ 4 . 00 admission for adults , and you could fill a bag or box of books and take it home with you for no additonal charge . The first picture shows my bag . I could just carry it out to the car . My nephew is a ' weapons tech ' in the Canadian Military . These two books will be sent to him . I 'm sure he 'll love them . It is the days leading up to Christmas , and Talon , Raven and T - Bear are staying with their Mushom ( grandfather ) checking his trapline and keeping an eye out for animals . They are hoping to bring home enough food for their families for the holidays . The hunting has been bad and the children decide they will sneak out early on Christmas eve morning and go hunting . Unfortunately they don 't notice the approaching storm . This is a good coming of age story set in Northern Saskatchewan . The three children have been learning survival skills from Mushom . It is not easy to live in the bush and keep a trapline , and Mushom is getting old and wants to pass tradition along to one of his grandsons . I found this a very well written story . The grandparents have kept many of their traditional Cree ways of life ( living on the land ) yet their children have all moved to the city and could longer hunt nor trap . The children seem deeply attached to the lessons of life that Mushom is teaching them . It was hubby 's birthday on Tuesday and that called for a special cake . I wanted something that would seem decadent but not have 5 gazillion calories . Ya right , like I had a chance . After much searching and drooling , I came across a recipe for molten volcano type cakes that I had all the ingredients for . It is from the 2003 book ' decadent Desserts ' by Company 's Coming . I have also made the ' White Chocolate Mousse ' cake which was a bit complicated , but I took several deep breaths , mixed each bowl and then combined them . It turned out wonderful . The ' Cherry Cheese Dessert ' was much easier and turned out equally as well . There are several recipes for filled crepes that beg to be attempted . I can 't even begin to tell what the ' Ice Cream and Mud Cake ' does to me . All of the recipes are wonderfully illustrated and special techniques are very clearly described / pictured . These definitely are special occasion cakes . Heat second amount of butter and chocolate in small heavy saucepan on lowest heat , stirring often , until almost melted . Do not overheat . Remove from heat . Stir until smooth . Cool slightly . Beat egg yolks and whole eggs in medium bowl for about 2 minutes until frothy . Beat in icing sugar on low . Add chocolate mixture and flour . Beat well until thick and glossy . Divide batter among prepared ramekins . Place on baking sheet . Bake in 450 F over for about 12 minutes until evenly risen and edge appears set , but middle is still wobbly . Let stand for 3 to 5 minutes . run knife around side of cakes to loosen . Cover with individual plates and invert to remove from ramekins . ( at this point , cakes may sit inverted witout removing ramekins for up to 20 minutes . They will stay warm and the centre with still be molten ) . Makes 6 cakes . I only had 4 ramekins , so I baked the other two in Cappacino mugs . They were about the same volume and they turned out perfect . I liked the shape of them better . Very important that you grease the dish / ramekin with lots of the butter . If you skimp , then the cocoa won 't stick and you 'll have trouble getting the cake out of the dish . Important Note : If you are using this for a birthday cake , don 't stick a candle into the cake and then wait for the birthday boy to arrive at the table . The candle will start to melt and the wax will get into the molten part . Don 't even think of asking me how I know this . . . On Saturday 's , Beth Fish hosts ' Weekend Cooking ' . I will add the correct link at that point and you can view the book reviews and recipes that the other participants post . The winner of the fabric panels is : Noricum . I liked Karen 's comment where she suggested that Noricum should win . That was a great idea of what I should do with the fabric . I really liked Noricum 's idea of making napkins . Will be looking for some panels in a colour that works for me and will make some . Look in the left margin for the link for my contest to win a pair of really warm Red Canada Olympic mittens . These are the same ones that our torch bearers have been wearing during the 100 days + that they have been carrying the Olympic torch across Canada . International entries encouraged . Over 1 million pairs of these mittens have been sold raising over 4 million dollars to support our athletes . Ever get tired of working on old projects ? Recently I have been looking through that magazine I told you about last week , Quiltmaker 's 100 Quilt Blocks . I really like # 97 ' Wild Blue Yonder . I remembered some samples of floral fabrics that had been sitting on the floor of my quilt room for the better part of 10 years . I figured I would find them and cut out a block and sew it up . By the time I was finished cutting , I had enough darks for 14 blocks and lights for 8 blocks . The first picture shows one quarter of the block . Pretty straight forward piecing . Rectangles and triangles . Second picture shows the completed 12 inch block . I have to admit that I rather like this one . More blocks to be made though I will have to purchase some similar light florals . Don 't know how many blocks I 'll make , we 'll see what happens . I have finally finished everything on the ABC quilt . It is titled ' Lilybet ' since it is for Lily . Size is 70 x 81 inches , Hobbs Polydown batting , flannelette on the back . Machine quilted . In the next picture you can see a bit of the quilting detail . I kept it simple as I had no other idea of how to finish it and I didn 't want to detract from the embroidered letters . I did end up quilting free form around all the letters and it made a big improvement . Can 't wait to give it to Lily and her mom . There is even a label on the back that gives her mom credit for the embroidered letters . I didn 't work on my Bernat Knit along project this week . they did post instructions for how to arrange your blocks and how to stitch them together . I will have to get moving and finish the final two blocks . I do think i need to block the knitting as they aren 't all the same size . That will delay me a bit , but I really does need to be done . the Olympic start on friday and I don 't know how the will affect me . Will probably get a bunch more knitting done . Still have one more scarf planned ( 2 yet to finish mending in ends and show you ) and then on to a different afghan . Were you able to get yours ? I 'm talking about the hottest item in town . Those red Olympic mittens that every Canadian is trying to lay their hands on ( ok , maybe not every single person ) . I had been trying to get them since November , but they were selling out faster than Tim Horton 's coffee . By the beginning of January over 1 million pairs had been sold . Of the $ 10 . 00 price , $ 4 . 00 goes directly toward supporting Canadian athletes . Finally there were more in the stores and I was able to purchase 4 pairs last weekend . I was skeptical that they would be warm enough , but they are thick and have some sort of warm fuzzy lining . I have been wearing mine all week and will be wearing them indoors as I watch the various competitions . I think it might make knitting a little more difficult . . Yesterday I was at the postal outlet mailing a pair of them to a friend in New Zealand . When the employeed asked the contents of the package , so she could complete the customs declaration , I proudly stated ' Mittens ' . She asked if they were the Olympic ones and proceeded to tell me that she has had lots of people in mailing those mittens all over the world . Cool . and I thought I was the only strange person mailing mittens to a place where it is summer right now . As soon as I find my address book , I 'll be mailing another pair , this time to Australia . As I have been typing this , I have decided to have another little contest . This one is open to a follower of this blog who does not live in Canada . To gain extra entries1 ) blog about this contest 2 ) Tell about this contest elsewhere , twitter etc . 3 ) Show me a picture of the gear that your country will be wearing when they compete in Canada in the next few weeks . email picture to heatherdpear @ hotmail dot com You have 4 chances to gain entries . There are 27 followers of my blog . When I hit 50 followers I will buy a second pair of mitts . The Olympics start friday , and I will draw for a winner ( s ) on February 19 . That 's exactly what Sue Sturdy of Cambridge , Ontario , Canada wants to do . She wants volunteers to knit pieces of yarn until she has enough to blanket a bridge in that city . She already has over one hundred volunteers . This 1975 children 's book is a good introduction to the life of the various Indian tribes living in the short - grass areas and the prairie . Ms . Campbell covers many aspects of daily life : respect for territory , music , beliefs , ceremonial smoking , housing , food , clothing etc . She felt that the book had to include physical as well as spiritual needs to be complete : " It was not possible for Indians to separate their life as people do today into different categories such as work , play , relgion and art . To them , every part of life and all forms of life made up ' the whole ' . To ignore one part was to lessen , even destroy one 's self . " I searched widely to try and find a biography for Shannon Two Feathers , but was unsucessful . I am assuming that he is the same person that I found touted as a Legendary Aboriginal Musician who passed away in 1980 and was inducted into the Manitoba Aboriginal Music Hall of Fame , but can 't confirm this . If you have additional information on Shannon Two Feathers , leave a comment with details . Thanks . Mead is a genius and at the age of 18 is about to present a solution to an age old mathematical problem and then graduate from University , instead he finds himself on a bus headed home . He intends to follow in the footsteps of his father and sell furniture and funerals . Only problem being that Mead is not a people person . I really enjoyed this story . It occurs to me that in general one would assume that a genius has it made . That all he has to do is study , give the correct answers and a wonderful life will be presented to him . As Mead finds out , it doesn 't happen that way . He had kept himself sheltered within his studies , but when he leaves campus for the last time , he realizes that he can 't survive by hiding in an academic cocoon . He has to live in the real world and interact with others if he hopes to succeed . With cold weather upon us , it 's time to move to comfort food . Each of us has our own food that fills this need . My kids loved this dish from the first time I made it . I didn 't follow the recipe exactly and that didn 't seem to matter . This 2005 cookbook is still available from Company 's Coming . While researching this book , I read that Jean Pare , founder of the company , had recently donated her personal collection of over 6 , 000 cookbooks to the Culinary archives at the University of Guelph 's Library . Mix all ingredients together . Shape into an 11 inch long roll . Place this on a greased wire rack and place over a baking sheet . Cover with a layer of foil , leaving the bottom of the loaf uncovered . Bake in 275 F oven for about 3 hours . Remove from oven and wrap loaf in foil and let sit for 15 minutes . Slice diagonally in 1 / 4 slices . The recipe suggests hamburger or hot dog buns , but you can be traditional and use Greek style pita breads . Spread sauce on the bread , sprinkle with onions , lettuce and tomato . Add a few slices of the meat and then additional sauce if desired . Cover with top of bun , or fold pita . You can wrap this in a square of waxed paper to keep the filling from dropping out the bottom , that 's how they do it in the Greek restaurants . I usually double the meat recipe . Since the oven is going to be on anyway , might as well make several meals worth . Left over meat should freeze well , but I wouldn 't know since it gets eaten the next day . This is an easy meal to make as long as you don 't mind sticking your hands in the meat mixture . I don 't have a cookie sheet with sides , so I balance my wire rack on top of my cake pan . Fat will leak out of the meatloaf as it is cooking and you must have something under the rack to catch the drips . Its sad to say that I haven 't made anything else out of this cookbook . I was browsing through it and came across several more recipes that I want to try . Too many cookbooks and too little time to try them all . Be sure to visit Beth Fish 's ' Weekend Cooking ' page and you can check out other readers favourite foods and food related entries . Rachel seems to be one of those people who inadvertantly is always getting herself into sticky situations that require complex solutions . Fortunately she has a number of dear friends who are willing and capable of helping . The fact that they include a living vampire , a pixie and a dead witch who has a replacement body makes the story all the more interesting . Rachel never did anything to get herself in trouble , it just came looking for her in the form of the ruling members of the coven of moral and ethical standards ( the supposedly good white witches ) . Not satisfied with shunning her , they want her imprisoned and much worse . Sorry , can 't tell you the details , don 't want to spoil the tale . This story all takes place within the course of several days . It is constant non - stop action . There is no sitting around socially over a cup of tea , rather there is scheming , back stabbing , curses and spells . Everything needed for a good , wicked read . This book is actually the 8th book in the Hallows Series . It took me several pages to figure out who everyone is and what their relations to Rachel , but not reading the earlier books didn 't diminish my enjoyment of this book . I had met several of the characters earlier when I read ' Unbound ' . It contains a short story by Kim Harrison about Jenks , the pixie . I hadn 't met Pierce in that story . He is Al 's familiar and thus well known to Rachel , and he 's quite the hunk . . . I want to introduce you to my sister Nancy . Thats the two of us at the start of the Calgary half Marathon July 2008 . We ran together the whole way . Last week I received a package in the mail from Scott Hansen over at ' Blue Nickel Studios ' . Included were fabrics from a layer cake called Birdie by Me and My sister designs . Scott designed one of the ' 100 Blocks ' in the magazine and sponsored a contest at his blog when the magazine hit the stands . There were a few other inspirational items in the envelope including an actual blue nickel . Thanks Scott . I promised this week that I would show you block 7 and block 8 from the Bernat Knit Along . The green block ( yes , it really is a deep forest green ) is filled with lovely cables . This was the most fun to do . I love the challenge of blocks like this . In fact , I think I need to make an actual sweater ( oh stop me someone , I don 't need to start another new project ) . The cream block is number 8 and the final one in the series . I still have to knit two more of these , one in burgandy and one in the green . The next update on the Bernat site will be how to stitch the blocks together . Yippee . I did get a bunch of sewing in last week as well . Quite a while back I won a pillow kit from Purrfect Pastimes . ( the pattern is now shown at her new site Cotton Novelty Fabrics ) It was supposed to make the front of the pillow and maybe enough for the back . I really didn 't want a pillow , or rather my daughter didn 't want a pillow . So with very careful calculations and cutting I had enough fabric to make 4 - 12 inch blocks . The pattern was designed for paper piecing , but I measured and cut correct size pieces and madeit by regular machine piecing . My daughter is most pleased with the results . Has her perfect Halloween colours and it features penguins . She couldn 't ask for more . Well , she wants it larger . So my mother is going to add a border and return it to me . Then I 'll add a further border and that should make it large enough for a lap quilt . I had to manipulate the blocks to get the tiny penguins all in the centre of the blocks . it looked funny when it was the largers penguins clustered there . I did those orange corners using the stitch and flip methods and had 64 half square triangle blocks left over . I trimmed them to 1 3 / 8th inch squares and put together this miniature block . It only about 8 inches on a side . Yes , 128 pieces in an 8 inch square . It will be titled ' Halloween Barn ' since it 's in the log cabin barn raising form . I think that it needs 2 narrow borders ? ? ? Now for the contest part . I am finished with the pattern and would like to pass it along to another quilter who would enjoy it . The pages are all there for paper piecing one block . Also my calculations of cutting size for regular piecing . Any follower of my blog is eligible to win . International welcome . Please note , there is no fabric in the pattern . I will draw a winner next Tuesday from any comments that are left . Bright , huh . You should see it in person , it 's even more electrifying . I love orange and I love orange quilts even more . By one def . . . I 'm a bit slow off the mark today , but I do have pearly white teeth now . Yes , I had a dentist appointment this morning . All is well , t . . . I 've been blogging here since 2007 and have finally found the perfect job . I am now a book seller at Chapters , the largest book store chain in Canada . This is helping to reach an even larger number of readers with whom I enjoy sharing my love of books .

Many ask me how I keep going with my health challenges and the demands of still having to make a living in my seventies . My answer is : carefully ( see first sentence ) . It would be fairly catastrophic if my health worsened now , as inevitably it will . I need to keep chugging until September when my load will lighten considerably , fingers crossed . Therefore I prioritize . We just finished the Living with Chronic Disease series of workshops yesterday and I can 't praise it enough . I 've been asked to be a facilitator in the future but I 've shelved that for now . I 'm becoming more skilled at the art of saying NO . One of the incredible results of the workshop was our youngest participant ( in his mid thirties ) shared yesterday that his last hope was committing to the workshops for all 6 weeks . If nothing changed for him , he had planned suicide . We were all crying after he spoke . He has many challenges including his young spouse in a wheelchair ( boy , perspective ! ) and he had absolutely no hope . Now he 's attempting to live within his limitations and try one new thing every week and list his achievable goals . I 'm still learning at my age and with , at times , my challenging health . None of us gets a free pass at life , do we ? Roll with the punches , etc . Importances shift and swirl and change . Observations become keener and sharper . Letting go of toxic people becomes easier . Personal growth takes on a new meaning as I learn into the grave . I recently persisted with a form of knitting that I didn 't have the patience for all my life - or , you know , adapting the instructions for it which never worked and resulted in awkward bulges and then I would toss the results . So I sat down and wound all these bobbins to hang off the back of the work and persisted in learning and finally mastered intarsia a couple of weeks ago . It felt good and satisfying and fulfilling . I 've had my battles at the local political level too . I 've been up against some old guards , bleeding deacons , buzzards , in my efforts to create outdoor community spaces that are used daily . I was drowning in negativity and mockery . Frankly , it wore me down . I 've only 3 months left on my municipal term and I 'm trying to push through some more town enhancing changes and it was endless , soul destroying battles one after the other at our monthly meetings . I gave up . I 've got too much other stuff on the go which is sapping me until I move and I thought : conserve your energy , f * * * them all . I 'm just too tired and each battle is chewing another bite out of my soul . I 've worked in so - called male positions all my life , starting with my first job in Ireland . And too many times to count , I subside at meetings as the men talk / yell / shout over me . As the men talk / yell / shout over me today at meetings even though I 'm technically their boss , until I bang the table loudly and tell them to stop . I dread these confrontations , not so much as before , but yelling shouty men have the power to make my heart pound , as in my experience it was always a prelude to violence . Words soaring in my head after an older cousin died . A cousin I tried to like but couldn 't . She was an only child of a " widowed " and cold mother to give you a little background . The widowed aspect was always under a cloud as our granny would always " humph " nastily when her daughter 's status was mentioned . Only one picture of her father existed and it looked like it was cut out of a magazine . I remember he wore a uniform of some kind but no one could answer how he died . She was enormously cruel to me when we were younger and even when we were older too , come to think of it . When I was 4 and she 10 , she threatened to hang me by my nose off the church railings if I didn 't give her the bracelet my granny gave me . Needless to mention . . . . . She dropped by my aunt 's ( this aunt was a maternal aunt and no relation to her ) and I proudly shared with her how I was going to make my first phone - call all by myself at the post office . She snatched the piece of paper from me and raced away only to come back about 10 minutes later and tell me I had another brother . I was inconsolable that she had stolen even this from me . Frankly , I was always a little afraid of her . This was enforced by my mother who barely tolerated her due to her constant lies and demands on my father who was her only uncle . A parade of " suitable " men were paraded through our home when she hit 20 to be vetted by my father . She always insisted , privately to me , that she was closer to my father than I could ever hope to be . And there were other cruel little interplays with her , particularly when my mother was dying which still has the power to upset me all these years later . Yeah , I get that she was needy and sad and alone and over compensated with braggadocio . I truly tried to like her in later years , being aware of all of this . But the last social interactions I had with her left me feeling so empty and baffled . There had been no personal growth , her conversation circled around herself , her skills , her beauty , her wardrobe , how all in her path adored her . And her remarkable lack of curiosity or compassion for others was breathtaking . My friend T had his surgery on Thursday , a quadruple bypass , and is astonishing everyone with his speedy recovery , even his surgeon . He 's sitting around for a few hours , all the tubes are out and he wants to go home . So next Wednesday is his release into the real world . The Living with Chronic Disease series of workshops is marvellous . I was resistant to getting a handicap sticker for my car ( only really , really challenged people get those ! ) and was encouraged to bite the bullet . Often I have to park a distance away from my destination and my legs seize after a few minutes walking and the pain , m ' dears . So yeah , I agreed to taking my walking pole when out walking , requesting the handicap registration from my doctor ( done and mailed ) and checking out a folding walking stick from a local shop which another participant recommends . You just never know , she says , when you might need it . One of the important things I noted in this workshop is that participants with hobbies are the happiest . Those with no passion or have retirement thrust upon them with nothing to fill the time apart from chores and TV are the most anxious . Gardeners , knitters , fishers , quilters , wood - workers are the most fulfilled . My friend T has reinforced all this ridiculous denial for me . And I do so wish the young would quit while there is time . I quit in my forties after only 24 years of it but it was enough to do untold damage to my vascular system which has now aged and is unable to cope anymore . Much like my friend T 's . We 've been led to believe it 's lung cancer we should be worried about . But I , for one , ignored the fine print of it 's other long - term effects . T has brought it all home to me , and now I really believe that yes , it was the stupid smoking that I 'm paying for now . Labelling , self - labelling I mean , can be extraordinarily useful . I was struggling with the Black Dog - and thank you so much to all those who commented in support . It is remarkable how the ether world and caring others in the real world can offer so much comfort and understanding . So there . Just affixing the label to myself I felt a load lift off me . And the workshop ? I can 't say enough about it . 2 - 3 hours each . All of us ( Including the two facilitators ) have chronic conditions . All of us suffer periodic depression . All of us had difficulty labelling ourselves . There is such solace in just saying it out loud to a bunch who totally understand . And boy , are there degrees of " chronic " . I got off lightly . Yeah , there 's been changes . It seems to me you always sense these life altering corners I have to turn . You give me a few days , maybe a week , to feel confident and secure and then , without a knock on the door , in you walk bringing your cold breath and that murky miasma that clings to everything you touch . I ran . Upstairs . And into bed . I couldn 't face work , and there was a bit of it , not much , but I knew you 'd take that weird position on my desk and shoot those thoughts into my head , the why bother ones , the life is hopeless ones , the lonely ones , the nobody really cares ones . Bed is safe , though not as safe as with Ansa in it , I have to admit . It gives you free reign really when I 'm this vulernable . Though you haven 't stolen sleep from me yet . Maybe that will come . My analytical mind just about destroys me after you show up . I think : what attracted you back . The Handicapped sticker the doctor suggested ? My young friend saying to me yesterday she was having a hard time seeing me taking up residence in the apartment as we sat in it drinking coffee ? The suggestion made by a facilitator - friend of taking the Living with Chronic Diseases series of workshops ? Finding so much poignancy in every aspect of my life at the moment ? Losing interest in cooking for myself ? ( 1 ) I can 't imagine what life is like without some creativity or passion in it . Any creativity . One of my dear buddies now since gone , would make log cabins out of those flat icecream sticks , with a working fireplace of pebbles and the chimney lined with tinfoil and a porch with rocking chairs on the front . Me ? Well I write and knit . And yesterday I finished this massive knitting project . It took me months but now it 's winging its way to Massachussets to a sweet young friend whom I wrote about here . She sent me this incredible yarnbowl , right out of the blue , when Ansa died and signed it " Sunset for Ansa " . We had one of those rare instant connections at her father 's wake . The kind that sees into each other 's souls . Rare enough to be treasured . ( 2 ) Since I moved here I 've had the chance to explore my personality in ways I couldn 't even dream of when I lived in the metropolis . Time , the gift of time and beauty all around me frees up the mind and imagination like nothing else does . The timelessness of the ocean at my door , the salt - laden walks on the shores or in the pine drenched woods invigorates , wakes up dormant brain cells . ( 3 ) I continue to whittle away at " stuff " . Discarding 5 items a day . Should be more like 10 . Attaching the words precious or important or valuable to pieces of it is dangerous . A burn barrel is where much of it is going . And the dump . I don 't want any kind of clutter in my new home . I 'm listing what 's coming with me . And so far it 's not much . Clutter is weighty and murky and has a stranglehold on the psyche . I lived that in a marital home way back and remember feeling so overwhelmed as we conducted a 3 day sale around and in the property . Given space , I will fill it . Time to let go . Of inner and outer stuff . So I was at the car dealership this Monday past . It necessitated a long wait of 6 hours . In walking days I 'd go off for a walk or run , there are some interesting shops around and a giant mall across the street and a beautiful lake with boardwalk nearby . Or if I had anywhere to go without spending 6 hours in the one spot , I would have taken one of their numerous shuttles all over the city . So there I was , ensconced one might say . Or incarcerated as another might . I never mind as I come equipped with both book and device but the knitting was too enormous to drag , I 'm in the final stages of a vast shawl . So I read and try and tune out the endless large screen TV which broadcasts non - stop sports to the slack - jawed men in the front row . I wouldn 't dare touch that channel and click it to Discovery ( would you ? ) . The coffee is good , there is fresh popcorn and a few boxes of Timbits . A woman a few rows up gets up to look at a notice board on the wall . My heart stops . She looks just like my Helen who died in December 2014 . I feel tears bounce into my eyes and a golfball hit my throat , the loss can be so keen at times . She was closer than a sister , there was nothing we wouldn 't tell each other . I so miss that and Stranger Woman brings the loss into such sharp focus . We chat , we 're the same age , we uncover life stories , children . Daisy lost her husband 22 years before but as he was an only child , she stepped up to the plate and took care of his mother who died at 94 this past December . She admitted the sacrifice , but had created a separate apartment for her mother - in - law ( referred to as Missus ) and had a helper come in once a day to do what was necessary in personal care . But Missus insisted that it was only Daisy who could cook for her . It tied her down terribly . I mentioned my favourite Aunt Daisy to her , who was the only other Daisy I 'd known personally . We talked of our daughters and their opportunities and moved on to our singular granddaughters . Daisy 'd been an entrepreneur up north but moved to the Avalon when her children needed more educational opportunities . She was as fascinated with my journey as I was with hers . We were together about 90 minutes . It 's like this . Everything happens at once . My car lease is up next month , my tourist season has started , word got out my forte is filing delinquent tax returns and some are dribbling in , and I 'm busy minimalising and bagging and donating excess , and oh yeah , my domain went down and new owners of same could not be traced through multiple sales of the domain holding company so I lost my address book and my domain name and the website I 've had for 20 + years . And it 's like the Irish pension I tried to get , I just don 't have the energy anymore to keep chasing down my rights . Whatever they are - do we still have any ? Do exhausted elders ? Daughter came for dinner yesterday . Her main purpose , apart from dinner , was to get me up to the Tigeen to survey what I was taking from there and to tidy up after the winter . I was terrified of the climb up . But I took one of my sticks and paused many times , the pain can be mind - numbing , but I made it . It was very emotional as I love it so much up there and Ansa and I spent so much time in this wee paradise as did some very interesting artist guests . Ansa 'd go off up back and explore the woods . I 'd write or just soak in the entire bay and the birds down below . But I am always mindful of attachment and hope the next person to inhabit this space will take as much pleasure in it as I did . Whittling is a frightening thought indeed . So I look at what my needs are . Not my wants . I want far too much for a small space . Now that I 'm scrutinizing and evaluating and sometimes tearing up a little , I began to bag up possibly a 100 journals of my life to date . A friend will burn them in his burn barrel . We may have a small ceremony , that would be fitting . My collection of silver and old china is another story . We can all get sentimental about old stuff , long dead relatives presenting the Waterford crystal , the country auctions of acquisition when the kids were small and fascinated with the bidding . ( I had to fill a four story century home - I don 't use " fill " lightly , I knew auctioneers by name and could nod briefly to show I was still in the game ) . Stuff that has trailed me around . I thought the times of 12 around the dining room table at brunch are gone , ditto dinners for 8 . So dishes ? 4 mugs , 4 small plates , 4 large plates and 4 bowls . Notice the absence of cups and saucers , passé , my dears . Ditto for cutlery . I graduated to all matching only 4 years ago when I opened my little B & B . Before then it was quirky . Candles , candle holders , I look down from the mountain top and say : choose 2 out of the collection of 20 + and make sure you have a place for these two , I recommend small but beautiful . You must visualize them in use and where . I have decided I am taking this narrow in depth but tall and wide bookcase , handmade and gifted to me by a carpenter many years ago . It will fit in the hallway from the front door . There I will lodge movies I love , books I love ( mainly reference ) And that 's it . Everything has to fit in this bookcase . Right now I 've spread everything out over 4 large bookcases . So that 's it for now . I 'm being firm with myself . And yeah , life is very busy and full which I enjoy , though the mind is willing and the flesh lets me down more than I 'd like . I tire very easily . This does not suit me but I do pay attention . I 'm hoping to get approval for a beautiful hiking trail in the town tonight . It 's a long held dream of mine . And the spot is magnificent . So fingers crossed . Posted by Because it didn 't I met two of my neighbours , Elizabeth and Carol , who endeavoured mightily to help me . No luck . Not even a twitch out of the lock . I called the administrator ( not a super , no , he 's an administrator ) no answer , left a message . Schlepped ( with difficulty ) my stuff back down again to the car ( the ladies offered to host my bits in their apartments but I declined ) and waited . I don 't know about you but as I age I find the Type A personality has not being paying attention to meditation and OM practices whatsoever . So frustration and a small pity party ensued . He called me within 10 minutes . He 'd been at the hospital and left his phone in his car . Upside was he found another key in the office and told me there were trolleys and roll - y carts to assist residents in hauling stuff around . He took my baggage up and we did the transfer of keys . So I made myself a cup of La Java Française and sat down at the wee table and pondered my new space . And pondered . And thought : cripes what have I done . And thought : this is all good . And once again , I forgot to take pics for Grandgirl . She is the space expert . Seriously . At twelve she was organizing my car . At fourteen organizing my storage space in Toronto . At 20 she travelled Europe for the summer with a small backpack . At 21 she taught in India for months with a ditto . A genius with space and minimum necessities . As a boost I watched The Minimalist . Recommend . Seriously . I love the 333 concept too . Though I 've been adhering to minimum clothes for a while . And shoes . I was comforted by both . Yes , I 'm doing the right thing . I set up an area in the garage today with a table and loads of boxes of all sorts of stuff for me to go through . I set it up out there as my tourist season starts soon . Leo is an amazing help for the lugging as I am no longer able . I 've recycled so much paper , cards and letters already but there 's still more . Frighteningly more . But not as intimidating as I feared . The movies and books are the next go - through , though I 've donated a lot already . I 've started the purge . Not that there 's much enough . Sentimental stuff hauled all the way here from Toronto . Letters , photos , cards . And the journals I need to burn . Tripe as my father would have called such " rubbish " . He burned and dumped all his own stuff about 6 months before he died . " The Evidence " as I like to mentally call it . Cartons of papers and gawd knows what else . I found lovely photos of my Helen . Cards from Missing Daughter loving me forever . Forever is always negotiable , isn 't it . At the time we mean it . Can never imagine forever being over and done with . I philosophize as I work my way through stuff . A lot of thank you cards extolling my kindness , etc . Many from people whose names do not stir any remembrance at all . Weird that . Many items from people long dead . I am being ruthless . I don 't need these memento mori anymore in my life . We change . We evolve . We devolve . We move on . I had to make two hard decisions in the week . One was not to attend Grandgirl 's Convocation in Ontario . She was limited to inviting three people only . Her father , her mother and I were her choices . The health thing . I am bockety , unsteady on the pins . I thought about this . Being a constant worry to my loved ones . Because worry they would . And distract . There is endless walking and grounds and halls and parking lots . I 'm good for about three minutes and then kazoom . And a fresh worry , legitimate , deep vein thrombosis on the flight . I shouldn 't say worry as I sound a mite obsessed . I 'm not . At all . This was a carefully thought through decision with no regrets . I 'll see the pictures and the fact she included me in her three beloveds meant the world to me . I 'm putting a small stayover bag for my apartment together . I 'm quite excited about this . And then I walk across to my iceberg in this sparkling shine of a day and I feel the tears . Leaving here , leaving this magical place where I finally found myself . I still have a busy final tourist season happening ahead of me . That 's all good . I 'm going out with a bang . It was one of those weeks , non - stop gallop . I don 't particularly like those but they can be fun too . I planned a surprise birthday dinner for Daughter who turned , gasp , fifty . I am the mother of a 50 year old . I don 't feel adequate or mature enough . She is thoroughly basted in middle age now , isn 't she . Feel so very fortunate for living this long when of my friends more are now dead than alive . They especially made huge platters of Jiggs Dinner which included lashings of roasted turkey , masses of veggies cooked with salt beef , pease pudding , dressing , turnip , cabbage and mounds of potatoes and gravy . Man oh man , we were all groaning . There was hardly any room for the cake which was especially made by a friend who designed and made this gluten free number , complete with mathematical symbols which is Daughter 's forte . Then Car developed weird lights on the dash which alarmed me and I had to take it into the dealer , a long haul in freezing rain , you know it 's bad when the trees are exquisitely ice - draped along with the power lines . But I made it in . Parts ordered . Then it was off to see " Maudie " with a friend who texted on the off chance I was in town and would like to see it . Oh , I recommend . It left me spellbound . What I love about living in a small province is that I run into people I know at the movies all the time . So instant discussions on the quality of the film . And I know one of the producers too , she had the grace to see my play when it was on its run and expressed an interest in filming it at some point . Because I 'm a gregarious loner , I like a lot of downtime , away from the maddings . This week was a rough one , an ongoing intense quality and quantity to human exposure for me . Drop ins . Don 't like them . But I foolishly hung out the tax services shingle and I figure all told , with the drops and convos about life stories and Uncle Ned , great fellah you should have met him , I 'm making about $ 5 . 00 an hour if I factor in the social aspect . Big Mistake . I 'm very fussy as to friends . Loads of acquaintances but friends I can count on one hand . So I have to wear my nice for these tax clients and engage with them reluctantly but smilily . I am sensitive to social cues but most people are not , I find . I say I 'm sorry but I 'm busy but I imagine they think that applies to others and not them as they ramble on about Auntie Mildred and Grandfather Jack and just who are in these photos around my living room . Meanwhile some ancient ice has been hanging around outside my front door . Pictures , yes . And this is after a couple of weeks as the weather has been glorious and most of the ice has melted , it covered the bay at one point and there were mini - mountains bobbing along . I can 't imagine what this gigantic ice melt has done to the glaciers of Greenland and to the planet 's health . And they are here far too soon this year . And apparently are only the precursors of more yet to come . I take measurements of Tiny . And then took them again , blinking in disbelief . Nothing from Sprawl quite fits , I think . And then I think : Help ! I look at the freshly painted walls , a lovely lemony shade . And fresh carpet , kind of grey - blue . And then I look out at the southern exposure view , lashings of sunshine . I look up at Signal Hill in the distance . And think : this is truly perfect . You won 't need drapes , says the Administrator , as nothing overlooks you . There are lovely white opaque blinds on the windows , you can keep these if you want , he says , they 're brand new from the previous tenant who never quite moved in as he had a heart attack and stayed in Ontario . He tells me I should be around next weekend as there is Easter Dinner for all the residents in the community recreation centre downstairs . Free . What ? I ask . Oh , all festivals throughout the year have a free dinner for the residents , he responds . Bonus . I texted my friend who introduced me to this building a few years back and we met for coffee . I 'd forgotten how much we laugh together . How alike we are in many ways . Her place , similar in layout to my apartment is zen like in its simplicity . I aspire , I tell her . Tips , please . In this new age of digital access , physical books and movies become redundant , we agree . What are my treasures ? Pictures , my writing life and its accoutrements . What defines me ? How do I measure my life without the extras ? PS As I write this there 's a film crew , cast and extras of 12 around my house . Filming a wedding scene . Using two of the bedrooms and my living room and many outside shots . They 're all so young . Well , yeah . I don 't see too many elders making movies , do you ? Shame , really . I have a film crew coming on Sunday to make a short film in my house as it is old and hasn 't been drastically renovated but has the original exterior and interior . Interesting , I think . Now I 'm thinking it 's a huge disruption . Then again . . . . . . I had two rejection letters . How do you deal with rejection ? I had loved these two submitted pieces , and so did others , so I felt rather very crushed and then got so busy later that I forgot to feel sad but now that I 'm here at the end of the day I 've got time to brood and flay and tell myself give up , I 'm useless . So I 'm writing here instead for the 4 or 5 that do read me and appreciate . Thanks guys . Yesterday , I visited my friends whose daughter died and actually made them laugh helplessly about the first marriage proposal I received out here in the Far East . Have I told you I 've had hilarious marriage proposals ? I will some day . It could be a book . I always cry in my car when I leave my friends , I can 't imagine their suffering . Now they are putting their daughter 's Jeep and house on the market . She was only 40 and death stalked in , in the middle of the night , and grabbed her . A congenital heart defect . I discuss books with him , he 's an avid reader of all things Newfoundland - he was a coast guard in his time - and make them both laugh . I don 't plan it that way but I 'm glad it works out that way when I visit . Getting out of bed is their enormous act of courage for the day . I had this friend , well , she 's more of an acquaintance . When I moved here she 'd phone me about once a month . Strange conversations . She 'd never a ask a question but would launch into a sort of list of people who 'd let her down by not phoning / dropping in / not picking her up / not letting her know about events , etc . She had a stroke many years ago , I remember visiting her every day in the hospital , not an easy thing as the location of her hospital was both a subway and streetcar ride away from where I was headquartered then in downtown Toronto . But I knew visits to her would be minimal or zero from others during the day as she lived way out in the outlying suburbs and the hospital was in the west end . And there were other occasions too when I filled in as her caretaker on weekends away . All this to say , I was up against myself in dealing with her . I never felt close to her but I would still feel guilty , the stroke for one , and the fact she didn 't establish deep friendships with anyone mainly because her demands never stop when you 're with her . There are always extras you have to do and there is no acknowledgement of driving out of your way or picking up extra stuff along the route . And then guilt again for feeling like that . It 's a vicious cycle . I dropped my landline months back and now I 'm just on mobile . And of course she doesn 't have that number . But lawdie , now she 's phoned many of my friends to demand my mobile number but none feel they want to give it to her . So today she calls a buddy in Florida and he immediately puts her request for me to phone her right away on my FB wall . She is tenacious . And truthfully , normally I don 't think about her at all . Guilt again . So yes , I will call her . If I don 't forget yet again . I need to brace myself . I don 't wish for more friends to get harassed by her . There 's none as queer as folks . If it were me , I would have given up long ago and put it down to disinterest and move on . But not J . I take official possession of my home in the city tomorrow . Exciting times . Though I won 't be moving there full time until the fall for there 's a lot to wind down here over the next few months . In light of the horrific recent events unfolding in Holy Ireland , with babies starved , tossed into septic tanks and sold to the highest bidders by demonic clergy , please read here and here for further clarification . Bessborough is where I would have been interred like a few of my friends who were abandoned by their boyfriends or raped by relatives or priests . If you need further enlightenment on these horrific crimes against humanity I thought to bring to light my own narrow escape story that I still grapple with emotionally . I 'm trying to set my story all down and come to terms with it , but it still festers in my heart , it is still so difficult to speak of . And I don 't . Because I cry . Writing is what I do best . And in case you 're wondering , everyone knew about these institutions . We girls lived in fear of them and pitied the poor creatures within them when we would visit - as privileged private school girls - to entertain them . But never speak to them . Contamination , you see . and looking back , us girls must have been obliviously rubbing further salt into their scalded souls . And yes I 've had the therapy and tried to establish an understanding of my past with the male members of my birth family , to no avail . For seriously , how can any Irish man , no matter the age , understand the Ireland of 1966 when a frightened , pregnant young woman , not more than a girl , together with her young husband , made life changing decisions to protect themselves and their families from the cult that was the RC church in Ireland ? And make no mistake , it was ( and still is ) a patriarchal , hypocritical cult , steeped in misogyny , condemning so - called " unmarried mothers " to a life time of slavery , their babies stolen and sold , or killed or starved . Or horrifically raped by the parish priests who had unlimited access to these vulnerable girls and children . I was secretly five months pregnant at my wedding . A very tight girdle . Every week I make my own yogurt and my own Irish whole wheat soda bread which I cut into quarters and then put 3 in the freezer , I set aside a quarter and then extract from the freezer as I need . Irish soda bread has to be eaten fresh . It was usually made every day in Ireland using up the sour milk pre - refrigeration . My yogurt 's starter must be years and years old now . I just save a tablespoon from the last batch and use in the fresh one . And if I 'm going away for a while I freeze a tablespoon of it . There is something validating about taking care of one 's basic needs . I think if pushed I could survive for a while on soda bread and yogurt . If I have interesting seeds and dried fruits and nuts I throw into the soda bread pre - baking , but it 's not necessary . With the yogurt I use bottled fruit or sugar free home made preserves . I 've tossed around making home - made country butter . I despised it as a child ( " you can taste the grass , ew Mum ! " ) but now what I wouldn 't give for a pot of it ! The high processing of food has made imbeciles of us all . Bleached white bread , chemical - laden yogurt with artificial thickeners , chemical - laden spreadable concoctions called margarine ( low cal , light ) . Even cheese . What have they done to cheese ? I shop the stores that carry Irish cheeses . All the good Canadian brands are now rubbishy plasticized homogenous florescent orange slabs . Inedible . and yet they go flying off the shelves . There is no comparison in taste . Thank you Ireland for keeping cheese cheesy and sausages herby and edible . I 'm waiting for the pump man . I have no water . Again . The freezing cold attacked my pump - house and throttled the water pump . Winter continues on . Storm is expected tonight or tomorrow . 30cm of snow . Seriously . At least my woodstove was fixed yesterday after a month without . Thanks to a couple of townsmen who refused even to take a cup of coffee and were horrified when I tried to pay them . I am grateful for small things today , like wood , and homemade bread and yogurt . And heat . Blessed heat . There are many retired teachers and some retired professors in my community . And truth tell they " do " a lot of TV and shopping . By " Shopping " I mean driving in and out of town , which here is the capital city of St . John 's about 1 - 1 / 2 hours one way on the " Old Road " , maybe an hour on the highway . And it always involves many carts rattling out of Costco . Shed life is big here . The Boys gather in sheds and work on " stuff " like trucks and snowmobiles and boats and generators and ATVs which are used for hunting . Hunting and fishing are huge and there 's no retirement age from either . Women volunteer in church : cleaning and altar fixing and choir committees and parish committees and church fundraising . If they have spare time ( church volunteering becoming a dead art , so to speak ) they community volunteer in card games for seniors , exercise class and library duty and 50 + club events . Whatcha at ? Is an all purpose catchphrase here . Used when you pick up the phone . I 've adopted it as it is quick to the chase . " Whatcha at ? " they say to me . " Oh , I 'm knitting , " I say , or " Getting ready for a walk " , " watching Netflix " , etc . And you 're off and running with a conversation . I hung out a small tax service shingle , metaphorically speaking , this year . I had basically terminated my tax business a few years back , apart from a few diehards , but felt a little financial need due to power bills being so enormous in NL . You can be freezing your arse off and the bill can be $ 400 for the month . Full heat would be close to a $ 1 , 000 . And that 's with a wood burning stove . As I type this , I 'm cold . And I have had a huge cold tolerance . No more . I 'm looking forward to moving in the fall so that next winter won 't be a financial worry . I will be warm and the bill will be less than a quarter of what I pay now ! My time is always full . I had 3 clients drop in this morning . I have my volunteer municipal job that I love . I 'm building a data base for the town library . I continue to write . I am taking bookings for my hospitality Airbnb and that will keep me busy from Spring on to late September . Needs must . And yes , knitting products for sale . Thinking of getting an Etsy account to sell on line perhaps . And cards . I sell my own cards too . Irish by birth , Newfoundlandler by avocation - I live here 80 % of the time . The other 20 % is spent where the wind blows me . I think random thoughts on an even more random universe . Elevated , exhilarated and exalted by the fact I am living in this day and age . I 've come all the way from hand - cranked calculators in an endless room of clerical drones to a flat monitored multi - gigabyted home office where the work comes to me . How absolutely cool is that ? ? ?

Many ask me how I keep going with my health challenges and the demands of still having to make a living in my seventies . My answer is : carefully ( see first sentence ) . It would be fairly catastrophic if my health worsened now , as inevitably it will . I need to keep chugging until September when my load will lighten considerably , fingers crossed . Therefore I prioritize . We just finished the Living with Chronic Disease series of workshops yesterday and I can 't praise it enough . I 've been asked to be a facilitator in the future but I 've shelved that for now . I 'm becoming more skilled at the art of saying NO . One of the incredible results of the workshop was our youngest participant ( in his mid thirties ) shared yesterday that his last hope was committing to the workshops for all 6 weeks . If nothing changed for him , he had planned suicide . We were all crying after he spoke . He has many challenges including his young spouse in a wheelchair ( boy , perspective ! ) and he had absolutely no hope . Now he 's attempting to live within his limitations and try one new thing every week and list his achievable goals . I 'm still learning at my age and with , at times , my challenging health . None of us gets a free pass at life , do we ? Roll with the punches , etc . Importances shift and swirl and change . Observations become keener and sharper . Letting go of toxic people becomes easier . Personal growth takes on a new meaning as I learn into the grave . I recently persisted with a form of knitting that I didn 't have the patience for all my life - or , you know , adapting the instructions for it which never worked and resulted in awkward bulges and then I would toss the results . So I sat down and wound all these bobbins to hang off the back of the work and persisted in learning and finally mastered intarsia a couple of weeks ago . It felt good and satisfying and fulfilling . I 've had my battles at the local political level too . I 've been up against some old guards , bleeding deacons , buzzards , in my efforts to create outdoor community spaces that are used daily . I was drowning in negativity and mockery . Frankly , it wore me down . I 've only 3 months left on my municipal term and I 'm trying to push through some more town enhancing changes and it was endless , soul destroying battles one after the other at our monthly meetings . I gave up . I 've got too much other stuff on the go which is sapping me until I move and I thought : conserve your energy , f * * * them all . I 'm just too tired and each battle is chewing another bite out of my soul . I 've worked in so - called male positions all my life , starting with my first job in Ireland . And too many times to count , I subside at meetings as the men talk / yell / shout over me . As the men talk / yell / shout over me today at meetings even though I 'm technically their boss , until I bang the table loudly and tell them to stop . I dread these confrontations , not so much as before , but yelling shouty men have the power to make my heart pound , as in my experience it was always a prelude to violence . Words soaring in my head after an older cousin died . A cousin I tried to like but couldn 't . She was an only child of a " widowed " and cold mother to give you a little background . The widowed aspect was always under a cloud as our granny would always " humph " nastily when her daughter 's status was mentioned . Only one picture of her father existed and it looked like it was cut out of a magazine . I remember he wore a uniform of some kind but no one could answer how he died . She was enormously cruel to me when we were younger and even when we were older too , come to think of it . When I was 4 and she 10 , she threatened to hang me by my nose off the church railings if I didn 't give her the bracelet my granny gave me . Needless to mention . . . . . She dropped by my aunt 's ( this aunt was a maternal aunt and no relation to her ) and I proudly shared with her how I was going to make my first phone - call all by myself at the post office . She snatched the piece of paper from me and raced away only to come back about 10 minutes later and tell me I had another brother . I was inconsolable that she had stolen even this from me . Frankly , I was always a little afraid of her . This was enforced by my mother who barely tolerated her due to her constant lies and demands on my father who was her only uncle . A parade of " suitable " men were paraded through our home when she hit 20 to be vetted by my father . She always insisted , privately to me , that she was closer to my father than I could ever hope to be . And there were other cruel little interplays with her , particularly when my mother was dying which still has the power to upset me all these years later . Yeah , I get that she was needy and sad and alone and over compensated with braggadocio . I truly tried to like her in later years , being aware of all of this . But the last social interactions I had with her left me feeling so empty and baffled . There had been no personal growth , her conversation circled around herself , her skills , her beauty , her wardrobe , how all in her path adored her . And her remarkable lack of curiosity or compassion for others was breathtaking . My friend T had his surgery on Thursday , a quadruple bypass , and is astonishing everyone with his speedy recovery , even his surgeon . He 's sitting around for a few hours , all the tubes are out and he wants to go home . So next Wednesday is his release into the real world . The Living with Chronic Disease series of workshops is marvellous . I was resistant to getting a handicap sticker for my car ( only really , really challenged people get those ! ) and was encouraged to bite the bullet . Often I have to park a distance away from my destination and my legs seize after a few minutes walking and the pain , m ' dears . So yeah , I agreed to taking my walking pole when out walking , requesting the handicap registration from my doctor ( done and mailed ) and checking out a folding walking stick from a local shop which another participant recommends . You just never know , she says , when you might need it . One of the important things I noted in this workshop is that participants with hobbies are the happiest . Those with no passion or have retirement thrust upon them with nothing to fill the time apart from chores and TV are the most anxious . Gardeners , knitters , fishers , quilters , wood - workers are the most fulfilled . My friend T has reinforced all this ridiculous denial for me . And I do so wish the young would quit while there is time . I quit in my forties after only 24 years of it but it was enough to do untold damage to my vascular system which has now aged and is unable to cope anymore . Much like my friend T 's . We 've been led to believe it 's lung cancer we should be worried about . But I , for one , ignored the fine print of it 's other long - term effects . T has brought it all home to me , and now I really believe that yes , it was the stupid smoking that I 'm paying for now . Labelling , self - labelling I mean , can be extraordinarily useful . I was struggling with the Black Dog - and thank you so much to all those who commented in support . It is remarkable how the ether world and caring others in the real world can offer so much comfort and understanding . So there . Just affixing the label to myself I felt a load lift off me . And the workshop ? I can 't say enough about it . 2 - 3 hours each . All of us ( Including the two facilitators ) have chronic conditions . All of us suffer periodic depression . All of us had difficulty labelling ourselves . There is such solace in just saying it out loud to a bunch who totally understand . And boy , are there degrees of " chronic " . I got off lightly . Yeah , there 's been changes . It seems to me you always sense these life altering corners I have to turn . You give me a few days , maybe a week , to feel confident and secure and then , without a knock on the door , in you walk bringing your cold breath and that murky miasma that clings to everything you touch . I ran . Upstairs . And into bed . I couldn 't face work , and there was a bit of it , not much , but I knew you 'd take that weird position on my desk and shoot those thoughts into my head , the why bother ones , the life is hopeless ones , the lonely ones , the nobody really cares ones . Bed is safe , though not as safe as with Ansa in it , I have to admit . It gives you free reign really when I 'm this vulernable . Though you haven 't stolen sleep from me yet . Maybe that will come . My analytical mind just about destroys me after you show up . I think : what attracted you back . The Handicapped sticker the doctor suggested ? My young friend saying to me yesterday she was having a hard time seeing me taking up residence in the apartment as we sat in it drinking coffee ? The suggestion made by a facilitator - friend of taking the Living with Chronic Diseases series of workshops ? Finding so much poignancy in every aspect of my life at the moment ? Losing interest in cooking for myself ? ( 1 ) I can 't imagine what life is like without some creativity or passion in it . Any creativity . One of my dear buddies now since gone , would make log cabins out of those flat icecream sticks , with a working fireplace of pebbles and the chimney lined with tinfoil and a porch with rocking chairs on the front . Me ? Well I write and knit . And yesterday I finished this massive knitting project . It took me months but now it 's winging its way to Massachussets to a sweet young friend whom I wrote about here . She sent me this incredible yarnbowl , right out of the blue , when Ansa died and signed it " Sunset for Ansa " . We had one of those rare instant connections at her father 's wake . The kind that sees into each other 's souls . Rare enough to be treasured . ( 2 ) Since I moved here I 've had the chance to explore my personality in ways I couldn 't even dream of when I lived in the metropolis . Time , the gift of time and beauty all around me frees up the mind and imagination like nothing else does . The timelessness of the ocean at my door , the salt - laden walks on the shores or in the pine drenched woods invigorates , wakes up dormant brain cells . ( 3 ) I continue to whittle away at " stuff " . Discarding 5 items a day . Should be more like 10 . Attaching the words precious or important or valuable to pieces of it is dangerous . A burn barrel is where much of it is going . And the dump . I don 't want any kind of clutter in my new home . I 'm listing what 's coming with me . And so far it 's not much . Clutter is weighty and murky and has a stranglehold on the psyche . I lived that in a marital home way back and remember feeling so overwhelmed as we conducted a 3 day sale around and in the property . Given space , I will fill it . Time to let go . Of inner and outer stuff . So I was at the car dealership this Monday past . It necessitated a long wait of 6 hours . In walking days I 'd go off for a walk or run , there are some interesting shops around and a giant mall across the street and a beautiful lake with boardwalk nearby . Or if I had anywhere to go without spending 6 hours in the one spot , I would have taken one of their numerous shuttles all over the city . So there I was , ensconced one might say . Or incarcerated as another might . I never mind as I come equipped with both book and device but the knitting was too enormous to drag , I 'm in the final stages of a vast shawl . So I read and try and tune out the endless large screen TV which broadcasts non - stop sports to the slack - jawed men in the front row . I wouldn 't dare touch that channel and click it to Discovery ( would you ? ) . The coffee is good , there is fresh popcorn and a few boxes of Timbits . A woman a few rows up gets up to look at a notice board on the wall . My heart stops . She looks just like my Helen who died in December 2014 . I feel tears bounce into my eyes and a golfball hit my throat , the loss can be so keen at times . She was closer than a sister , there was nothing we wouldn 't tell each other . I so miss that and Stranger Woman brings the loss into such sharp focus . We chat , we 're the same age , we uncover life stories , children . Daisy lost her husband 22 years before but as he was an only child , she stepped up to the plate and took care of his mother who died at 94 this past December . She admitted the sacrifice , but had created a separate apartment for her mother - in - law ( referred to as Missus ) and had a helper come in once a day to do what was necessary in personal care . But Missus insisted that it was only Daisy who could cook for her . It tied her down terribly . I mentioned my favourite Aunt Daisy to her , who was the only other Daisy I 'd known personally . We talked of our daughters and their opportunities and moved on to our singular granddaughters . Daisy 'd been an entrepreneur up north but moved to the Avalon when her children needed more educational opportunities . She was as fascinated with my journey as I was with hers . We were together about 90 minutes . It 's like this . Everything happens at once . My car lease is up next month , my tourist season has started , word got out my forte is filing delinquent tax returns and some are dribbling in , and I 'm busy minimalising and bagging and donating excess , and oh yeah , my domain went down and new owners of same could not be traced through multiple sales of the domain holding company so I lost my address book and my domain name and the website I 've had for 20 + years . And it 's like the Irish pension I tried to get , I just don 't have the energy anymore to keep chasing down my rights . Whatever they are - do we still have any ? Do exhausted elders ? Daughter came for dinner yesterday . Her main purpose , apart from dinner , was to get me up to the Tigeen to survey what I was taking from there and to tidy up after the winter . I was terrified of the climb up . But I took one of my sticks and paused many times , the pain can be mind - numbing , but I made it . It was very emotional as I love it so much up there and Ansa and I spent so much time in this wee paradise as did some very interesting artist guests . Ansa 'd go off up back and explore the woods . I 'd write or just soak in the entire bay and the birds down below . But I am always mindful of attachment and hope the next person to inhabit this space will take as much pleasure in it as I did . Whittling is a frightening thought indeed . So I look at what my needs are . Not my wants . I want far too much for a small space . Now that I 'm scrutinizing and evaluating and sometimes tearing up a little , I began to bag up possibly a 100 journals of my life to date . A friend will burn them in his burn barrel . We may have a small ceremony , that would be fitting . My collection of silver and old china is another story . We can all get sentimental about old stuff , long dead relatives presenting the Waterford crystal , the country auctions of acquisition when the kids were small and fascinated with the bidding . ( I had to fill a four story century home - I don 't use " fill " lightly , I knew auctioneers by name and could nod briefly to show I was still in the game ) . Stuff that has trailed me around . I thought the times of 12 around the dining room table at brunch are gone , ditto dinners for 8 . So dishes ? 4 mugs , 4 small plates , 4 large plates and 4 bowls . Notice the absence of cups and saucers , passé , my dears . Ditto for cutlery . I graduated to all matching only 4 years ago when I opened my little B & B . Before then it was quirky . Candles , candle holders , I look down from the mountain top and say : choose 2 out of the collection of 20 + and make sure you have a place for these two , I recommend small but beautiful . You must visualize them in use and where . I have decided I am taking this narrow in depth but tall and wide bookcase , handmade and gifted to me by a carpenter many years ago . It will fit in the hallway from the front door . There I will lodge movies I love , books I love ( mainly reference ) And that 's it . Everything has to fit in this bookcase . Right now I 've spread everything out over 4 large bookcases . So that 's it for now . I 'm being firm with myself . And yeah , life is very busy and full which I enjoy , though the mind is willing and the flesh lets me down more than I 'd like . I tire very easily . This does not suit me but I do pay attention . I 'm hoping to get approval for a beautiful hiking trail in the town tonight . It 's a long held dream of mine . And the spot is magnificent . So fingers crossed . Posted by Because it didn 't I met two of my neighbours , Elizabeth and Carol , who endeavoured mightily to help me . No luck . Not even a twitch out of the lock . I called the administrator ( not a super , no , he 's an administrator ) no answer , left a message . Schlepped ( with difficulty ) my stuff back down again to the car ( the ladies offered to host my bits in their apartments but I declined ) and waited . I don 't know about you but as I age I find the Type A personality has not being paying attention to meditation and OM practices whatsoever . So frustration and a small pity party ensued . He called me within 10 minutes . He 'd been at the hospital and left his phone in his car . Upside was he found another key in the office and told me there were trolleys and roll - y carts to assist residents in hauling stuff around . He took my baggage up and we did the transfer of keys . So I made myself a cup of La Java Française and sat down at the wee table and pondered my new space . And pondered . And thought : cripes what have I done . And thought : this is all good . And once again , I forgot to take pics for Grandgirl . She is the space expert . Seriously . At twelve she was organizing my car . At fourteen organizing my storage space in Toronto . At 20 she travelled Europe for the summer with a small backpack . At 21 she taught in India for months with a ditto . A genius with space and minimum necessities . As a boost I watched The Minimalist . Recommend . Seriously . I love the 333 concept too . Though I 've been adhering to minimum clothes for a while . And shoes . I was comforted by both . Yes , I 'm doing the right thing . I set up an area in the garage today with a table and loads of boxes of all sorts of stuff for me to go through . I set it up out there as my tourist season starts soon . Leo is an amazing help for the lugging as I am no longer able . I 've recycled so much paper , cards and letters already but there 's still more . Frighteningly more . But not as intimidating as I feared . The movies and books are the next go - through , though I 've donated a lot already . I 've started the purge . Not that there 's much enough . Sentimental stuff hauled all the way here from Toronto . Letters , photos , cards . And the journals I need to burn . Tripe as my father would have called such " rubbish " . He burned and dumped all his own stuff about 6 months before he died . " The Evidence " as I like to mentally call it . Cartons of papers and gawd knows what else . I found lovely photos of my Helen . Cards from Missing Daughter loving me forever . Forever is always negotiable , isn 't it . At the time we mean it . Can never imagine forever being over and done with . I philosophize as I work my way through stuff . A lot of thank you cards extolling my kindness , etc . Many from people whose names do not stir any remembrance at all . Weird that . Many items from people long dead . I am being ruthless . I don 't need these memento mori anymore in my life . We change . We evolve . We devolve . We move on . I had to make two hard decisions in the week . One was not to attend Grandgirl 's Convocation in Ontario . She was limited to inviting three people only . Her father , her mother and I were her choices . The health thing . I am bockety , unsteady on the pins . I thought about this . Being a constant worry to my loved ones . Because worry they would . And distract . There is endless walking and grounds and halls and parking lots . I 'm good for about three minutes and then kazoom . And a fresh worry , legitimate , deep vein thrombosis on the flight . I shouldn 't say worry as I sound a mite obsessed . I 'm not . At all . This was a carefully thought through decision with no regrets . I 'll see the pictures and the fact she included me in her three beloveds meant the world to me . I 'm putting a small stayover bag for my apartment together . I 'm quite excited about this . And then I walk across to my iceberg in this sparkling shine of a day and I feel the tears . Leaving here , leaving this magical place where I finally found myself . I still have a busy final tourist season happening ahead of me . That 's all good . I 'm going out with a bang . It was one of those weeks , non - stop gallop . I don 't particularly like those but they can be fun too . I planned a surprise birthday dinner for Daughter who turned , gasp , fifty . I am the mother of a 50 year old . I don 't feel adequate or mature enough . She is thoroughly basted in middle age now , isn 't she . Feel so very fortunate for living this long when of my friends more are now dead than alive . They especially made huge platters of Jiggs Dinner which included lashings of roasted turkey , masses of veggies cooked with salt beef , pease pudding , dressing , turnip , cabbage and mounds of potatoes and gravy . Man oh man , we were all groaning . There was hardly any room for the cake which was especially made by a friend who designed and made this gluten free number , complete with mathematical symbols which is Daughter 's forte . Then Car developed weird lights on the dash which alarmed me and I had to take it into the dealer , a long haul in freezing rain , you know it 's bad when the trees are exquisitely ice - draped along with the power lines . But I made it in . Parts ordered . Then it was off to see " Maudie " with a friend who texted on the off chance I was in town and would like to see it . Oh , I recommend . It left me spellbound . What I love about living in a small province is that I run into people I know at the movies all the time . So instant discussions on the quality of the film . And I know one of the producers too , she had the grace to see my play when it was on its run and expressed an interest in filming it at some point . Because I 'm a gregarious loner , I like a lot of downtime , away from the maddings . This week was a rough one , an ongoing intense quality and quantity to human exposure for me . Drop ins . Don 't like them . But I foolishly hung out the tax services shingle and I figure all told , with the drops and convos about life stories and Uncle Ned , great fellah you should have met him , I 'm making about $ 5 . 00 an hour if I factor in the social aspect . Big Mistake . I 'm very fussy as to friends . Loads of acquaintances but friends I can count on one hand . So I have to wear my nice for these tax clients and engage with them reluctantly but smilily . I am sensitive to social cues but most people are not , I find . I say I 'm sorry but I 'm busy but I imagine they think that applies to others and not them as they ramble on about Auntie Mildred and Grandfather Jack and just who are in these photos around my living room . Meanwhile some ancient ice has been hanging around outside my front door . Pictures , yes . And this is after a couple of weeks as the weather has been glorious and most of the ice has melted , it covered the bay at one point and there were mini - mountains bobbing along . I can 't imagine what this gigantic ice melt has done to the glaciers of Greenland and to the planet 's health . And they are here far too soon this year . And apparently are only the precursors of more yet to come . I take measurements of Tiny . And then took them again , blinking in disbelief . Nothing from Sprawl quite fits , I think . And then I think : Help ! I look at the freshly painted walls , a lovely lemony shade . And fresh carpet , kind of grey - blue . And then I look out at the southern exposure view , lashings of sunshine . I look up at Signal Hill in the distance . And think : this is truly perfect . You won 't need drapes , says the Administrator , as nothing overlooks you . There are lovely white opaque blinds on the windows , you can keep these if you want , he says , they 're brand new from the previous tenant who never quite moved in as he had a heart attack and stayed in Ontario . He tells me I should be around next weekend as there is Easter Dinner for all the residents in the community recreation centre downstairs . Free . What ? I ask . Oh , all festivals throughout the year have a free dinner for the residents , he responds . Bonus . I texted my friend who introduced me to this building a few years back and we met for coffee . I 'd forgotten how much we laugh together . How alike we are in many ways . Her place , similar in layout to my apartment is zen like in its simplicity . I aspire , I tell her . Tips , please . In this new age of digital access , physical books and movies become redundant , we agree . What are my treasures ? Pictures , my writing life and its accoutrements . What defines me ? How do I measure my life without the extras ? PS As I write this there 's a film crew , cast and extras of 12 around my house . Filming a wedding scene . Using two of the bedrooms and my living room and many outside shots . They 're all so young . Well , yeah . I don 't see too many elders making movies , do you ? Shame , really . I have a film crew coming on Sunday to make a short film in my house as it is old and hasn 't been drastically renovated but has the original exterior and interior . Interesting , I think . Now I 'm thinking it 's a huge disruption . Then again . . . . . . I had two rejection letters . How do you deal with rejection ? I had loved these two submitted pieces , and so did others , so I felt rather very crushed and then got so busy later that I forgot to feel sad but now that I 'm here at the end of the day I 've got time to brood and flay and tell myself give up , I 'm useless . So I 'm writing here instead for the 4 or 5 that do read me and appreciate . Thanks guys . Yesterday , I visited my friends whose daughter died and actually made them laugh helplessly about the first marriage proposal I received out here in the Far East . Have I told you I 've had hilarious marriage proposals ? I will some day . It could be a book . I always cry in my car when I leave my friends , I can 't imagine their suffering . Now they are putting their daughter 's Jeep and house on the market . She was only 40 and death stalked in , in the middle of the night , and grabbed her . A congenital heart defect . I discuss books with him , he 's an avid reader of all things Newfoundland - he was a coast guard in his time - and make them both laugh . I don 't plan it that way but I 'm glad it works out that way when I visit . Getting out of bed is their enormous act of courage for the day . I had this friend , well , she 's more of an acquaintance . When I moved here she 'd phone me about once a month . Strange conversations . She 'd never a ask a question but would launch into a sort of list of people who 'd let her down by not phoning / dropping in / not picking her up / not letting her know about events , etc . She had a stroke many years ago , I remember visiting her every day in the hospital , not an easy thing as the location of her hospital was both a subway and streetcar ride away from where I was headquartered then in downtown Toronto . But I knew visits to her would be minimal or zero from others during the day as she lived way out in the outlying suburbs and the hospital was in the west end . And there were other occasions too when I filled in as her caretaker on weekends away . All this to say , I was up against myself in dealing with her . I never felt close to her but I would still feel guilty , the stroke for one , and the fact she didn 't establish deep friendships with anyone mainly because her demands never stop when you 're with her . There are always extras you have to do and there is no acknowledgement of driving out of your way or picking up extra stuff along the route . And then guilt again for feeling like that . It 's a vicious cycle . I dropped my landline months back and now I 'm just on mobile . And of course she doesn 't have that number . But lawdie , now she 's phoned many of my friends to demand my mobile number but none feel they want to give it to her . So today she calls a buddy in Florida and he immediately puts her request for me to phone her right away on my FB wall . She is tenacious . And truthfully , normally I don 't think about her at all . Guilt again . So yes , I will call her . If I don 't forget yet again . I need to brace myself . I don 't wish for more friends to get harassed by her . There 's none as queer as folks . If it were me , I would have given up long ago and put it down to disinterest and move on . But not J . I take official possession of my home in the city tomorrow . Exciting times . Though I won 't be moving there full time until the fall for there 's a lot to wind down here over the next few months . In light of the horrific recent events unfolding in Holy Ireland , with babies starved , tossed into septic tanks and sold to the highest bidders by demonic clergy , please read here and here for further clarification . Bessborough is where I would have been interred like a few of my friends who were abandoned by their boyfriends or raped by relatives or priests . If you need further enlightenment on these horrific crimes against humanity I thought to bring to light my own narrow escape story that I still grapple with emotionally . I 'm trying to set my story all down and come to terms with it , but it still festers in my heart , it is still so difficult to speak of . And I don 't . Because I cry . Writing is what I do best . And in case you 're wondering , everyone knew about these institutions . We girls lived in fear of them and pitied the poor creatures within them when we would visit - as privileged private school girls - to entertain them . But never speak to them . Contamination , you see . and looking back , us girls must have been obliviously rubbing further salt into their scalded souls . And yes I 've had the therapy and tried to establish an understanding of my past with the male members of my birth family , to no avail . For seriously , how can any Irish man , no matter the age , understand the Ireland of 1966 when a frightened , pregnant young woman , not more than a girl , together with her young husband , made life changing decisions to protect themselves and their families from the cult that was the RC church in Ireland ? And make no mistake , it was ( and still is ) a patriarchal , hypocritical cult , steeped in misogyny , condemning so - called " unmarried mothers " to a life time of slavery , their babies stolen and sold , or killed or starved . Or horrifically raped by the parish priests who had unlimited access to these vulnerable girls and children . I was secretly five months pregnant at my wedding . A very tight girdle . Every week I make my own yogurt and my own Irish whole wheat soda bread which I cut into quarters and then put 3 in the freezer , I set aside a quarter and then extract from the freezer as I need . Irish soda bread has to be eaten fresh . It was usually made every day in Ireland using up the sour milk pre - refrigeration . My yogurt 's starter must be years and years old now . I just save a tablespoon from the last batch and use in the fresh one . And if I 'm going away for a while I freeze a tablespoon of it . There is something validating about taking care of one 's basic needs . I think if pushed I could survive for a while on soda bread and yogurt . If I have interesting seeds and dried fruits and nuts I throw into the soda bread pre - baking , but it 's not necessary . With the yogurt I use bottled fruit or sugar free home made preserves . I 've tossed around making home - made country butter . I despised it as a child ( " you can taste the grass , ew Mum ! " ) but now what I wouldn 't give for a pot of it ! The high processing of food has made imbeciles of us all . Bleached white bread , chemical - laden yogurt with artificial thickeners , chemical - laden spreadable concoctions called margarine ( low cal , light ) . Even cheese . What have they done to cheese ? I shop the stores that carry Irish cheeses . All the good Canadian brands are now rubbishy plasticized homogenous florescent orange slabs . Inedible . and yet they go flying off the shelves . There is no comparison in taste . Thank you Ireland for keeping cheese cheesy and sausages herby and edible . I 'm waiting for the pump man . I have no water . Again . The freezing cold attacked my pump - house and throttled the water pump . Winter continues on . Storm is expected tonight or tomorrow . 30cm of snow . Seriously . At least my woodstove was fixed yesterday after a month without . Thanks to a couple of townsmen who refused even to take a cup of coffee and were horrified when I tried to pay them . I am grateful for small things today , like wood , and homemade bread and yogurt . And heat . Blessed heat . There are many retired teachers and some retired professors in my community . And truth tell they " do " a lot of TV and shopping . By " Shopping " I mean driving in and out of town , which here is the capital city of St . John 's about 1 - 1 / 2 hours one way on the " Old Road " , maybe an hour on the highway . And it always involves many carts rattling out of Costco . Shed life is big here . The Boys gather in sheds and work on " stuff " like trucks and snowmobiles and boats and generators and ATVs which are used for hunting . Hunting and fishing are huge and there 's no retirement age from either . Women volunteer in church : cleaning and altar fixing and choir committees and parish committees and church fundraising . If they have spare time ( church volunteering becoming a dead art , so to speak ) they community volunteer in card games for seniors , exercise class and library duty and 50 + club events . Whatcha at ? Is an all purpose catchphrase here . Used when you pick up the phone . I 've adopted it as it is quick to the chase . " Whatcha at ? " they say to me . " Oh , I 'm knitting , " I say , or " Getting ready for a walk " , " watching Netflix " , etc . And you 're off and running with a conversation . I hung out a small tax service shingle , metaphorically speaking , this year . I had basically terminated my tax business a few years back , apart from a few diehards , but felt a little financial need due to power bills being so enormous in NL . You can be freezing your arse off and the bill can be $ 400 for the month . Full heat would be close to a $ 1 , 000 . And that 's with a wood burning stove . As I type this , I 'm cold . And I have had a huge cold tolerance . No more . I 'm looking forward to moving in the fall so that next winter won 't be a financial worry . I will be warm and the bill will be less than a quarter of what I pay now ! My time is always full . I had 3 clients drop in this morning . I have my volunteer municipal job that I love . I 'm building a data base for the town library . I continue to write . I am taking bookings for my hospitality Airbnb and that will keep me busy from Spring on to late September . Needs must . And yes , knitting products for sale . Thinking of getting an Etsy account to sell on line perhaps . And cards . I sell my own cards too . Irish by birth , Newfoundlandler by avocation - I live here 80 % of the time . The other 20 % is spent where the wind blows me . I think random thoughts on an even more random universe . Elevated , exhilarated and exalted by the fact I am living in this day and age . I 've come all the way from hand - cranked calculators in an endless room of clerical drones to a flat monitored multi - gigabyted home office where the work comes to me . How absolutely cool is that ? ? ?

My hen house had perfectly functional wooden nest boxes we 'd made years ago , but I 'd bought these metal ones with a view to switching when we switched flocks . The wooden ones are fine , but can be difficult to clean out . My brother has the metal nest boxes , and he 'd shown me how you can pop the bottom out of a single nest to clean it if need be . I was pretty impressed with the idea of being able to raise the perching bar to close the boxes off at night , too - my brother doesn 't bother , but Salatin and many others do . Broodies and other birds often want to nest or roost in the boxes at night , requiring more clean outs , and I 'm getting tired of that . With this new flock getting used to the patched up hen house , it was time to get the nest boxes put together . See the instruction sheet ? The writing on that top half of the sheet is all the writing there was . The part that 's folded over is a very hard to decipher diagramme of where the two different types of screws are supposed to go . The top half of the text you see in the picture is just the contents list . The little paragraph after that is the sum total of actual instruction . This wasn 't exactly like putting together a bookcase , however , because the contents included 73 pop rivets . I had to go and check these out on Google . Every single hit said you needed a riveting gun to use them . So then I had to go to YouTube to see how the tool was used . And then , because riveting guns are bigger and more expensive than Allen keys , and therefore not included with every flat pack of nest boxes , I had to find one that I could use . In addition to swanky new nest boxes , I 've acquired a new skill , should the need to use pop rivets every arise again . And yes , HFS , this project wasn 't difficult to do after all . You were right . There are 73 birds in that hen house , way too many . At least 20 have to be sold ASAP . That 's up to my older daughter , as 25 of these birds are really hers - she changed her mind mid - summer about having her own layer flock so decided to sell them as point of lays . Since they are due to lay at the end of November , I 'd say we 've reached that point . We went back to the garden and between the two of us had the garlic bed dug , weeded and ready for planting in about an hour . It is amazing how pleasant such work can be with company . It almost didn 't feel like work . Of course , it 's not a very big garlic bed : ) . We got about 50 garlic cloves planted , which is not quite as much as I wanted to plant , but all that I had allowed space for . If I get a chance , I will maybe plant another dozen somewhere else . By 630 pm it was dark enough to shut the chickens in for the night . Because the hen house is new for them , I keep them confined to the house and lobby for a couple of days so that they identify it as their sleeping place . With the pecking order issues of combining the flocks from two field shelters , half the birds were out in the lobby and did not want to go in . The good news is that most of them seem to be roosting . Henny seems to be holding her own in the pecking order battles - no one seemed to be picking on her , and I saw her attack a rooster and take a chunk of neck feathers from him . She did give me a reproachful look this afternoon , when I was tossing some weeds in for them . Astute readers will notice that I have not mentioned the nest boxes that I was going to assemble . That 's because I haven 't done it . I decided with so many birds in there and laying not happening for another month that we needed the floor space more than the nest boxes . But I am going to get those started this week , so that we can install them when the 20 birds are gone . I 've learned a lot from this race , which I 'll delve into next post . Back to work tomorrow , which will be quite a change of pace after this week . I 'm ready for it . Thursday mornings I head down to the high school for 730 to set up the breakfast club ( run by the parent association ) , which provides bagels , juice , hot chocolate and tea , for a nominal cost ( 25 cents per item ) - no student is turned away hungry . It 's not so much about feeding those who don 't have adequate food at home , though there are probably a few kids in that category , it 's more about feeding anyone who skipped breakfast for any reason - many of them have to be at their bus stop by 7am , for example . It 's a nice volunteer job , as I enjoy getting to know some of the kids . When the bell goes at 830 , I start cleaning up , and usually get home by 915 or so , which is what happened today . I got the big gate finished ( wire stapled on ) , and I got the little gate installed and working , so that I can now control access to runs # 3 and # 4 . That felt good because those two gates are probably the only things from the grand plan we drew up last winter for a complete makeover on the hen house set up . I celebrated with a second cup of coffee and got the laundry out on the line , because at that point it was a lovely breezy , sunny day . I then got going on cleaning out the lobby - there was a lot of wasted layer pellet all over , I think the wild birds who find ways of getting in spread it around . Unfortunately , the dropped feed was going mouldy , so I made sure to clean it all out . That all pretty much filled the little trailer , so after a very short lunch break , because I could see the sky starting to loom darker , I took the trailer down and spread the load on the field . Next thing was to spread some straw in the lobby to give the pullets something to scratch in . I originally devised the lobby from a description of Lady Balfour 's method of chicken housing , as written of by John Seymour , but if you don 't stay on top of cleaning it out , the system is a total fail - and I totally failed about 5 years ago , and just didn 't bother . So the straw is my way of beginning again . It had the Henny scratch of approval . Our younger daughter ( 16 ) and I got started on loading the crates around 830pm . Catching layer birds is not like catching the phlegmatic and heavy broilers . On the one hand , that 's good - they 're not nearly as heavy . On the other hand , they 're much harder to catch , even in the dark . We had escapees ( daughter had one escapee and went to chase it , leaving the lid of the crate open … ) we had wily hiders , we had aggressive tooth and nail types , in short - all kinds . Hubby arrived home about halfway through proceedings and added some useful muscle to the proceedings , and by 930 , we had all 73 birds in the hen house , much to the bemusement of Henny Penny , who never left her roost , but kept craning her neck down to check out the intruders . In fact , it was a mild , pleasant morning , not quite sunny , but cool and calm . I got started around 930 am , after a trip to the feed store for more wire , and continued with the fence between run # 4 and # 3 . By lunchtime , it was done ! It 's not picture perfect exactly , but it will do the job just fine , and it 's actually sturdier than the picture implies . I did have to take a short break about 30 minutes before finishing , as I accidentally snipped my finger when I was cutting a piece of wire . And being inside with clean hands made me think of coffee … After a lunch break during which I prepped the veg for the squash soup I was planning for dinner , I got going again , this time to figure out how to do the gate ( s ) around the pop hole so that I could control which run the birds would have access to . I was a bit stumped , so took some dropped apples out to the birds in the field to give myself a change of pace , and on the way back spotted an old gate hanging off a post near our little old chicken house out back - swamped in blackberries . It only took a few minutes to clamber through it all and pull it off it 's hinges . A couple of nails and some wire and it will be just fine for one of my two gates . And it provided the pattern for how to make the other gate . Fifteen minutes with a saw and a drill , and the second gate was done . I had a better accuracy score with the staple gun too , when I put the wire on . Despite saying yesterday that I would be using three gates , I 've figured out how to do it with two . Not only that , using a rebar fence post , I found the edge of the big rock that was impeding progress yesterday , and was able to pound in a T - post in a spot that will hold one of the gates beautifully . However , the bigger , older gate still needs to have wire put on it , because around 4pm , the rain started again , and got serious within about 20 minutes , so I decided to call it a day and go get the squash soup going . I guess because I 've lived with the whole set up for so long , I didn 't really notice how patched together everything around here seems to be - in the photo of the gate , that plywood being held with a prop has been like that for years - the weather drives into the lobby kind of making it useless as dry shelter , so we put that board up " temporarily " and never did any more with it . Part of the reason for that is that it has been a pain getting through the moveable fence " gates " that we 've been using till now to get to this side of the hen house . No more ! My new gates will change all that . I hope . Not such dramatic accomplishment today , but still made some progress . Day Two was all about coming to grips with the disintegrating fences in the chicken runs . I need at least one run with intact fences that will keep flighty pullets from jumping over and into my neighbour 's garden . Though it was on my calendar , I was so focussed on my 5 day race that I forgot that I had committed to a one hour stint at work at 9 am this morning , to do the opening routines while my boss hosted a couple of our higher up bosses for a tour of our library . I got there a little late , but got it covered . So I didn 't really get started on Day Two until after my coffee when I got home , about 1030 . Thus fortified , I launched into the day . 1 . Decided which of the four runs to focus on this week . I picked run # 4 , it already has string webbed across the run to deter eagles and the perimeter fence is in good shape . Just need to work on the fence between # 4 and # 3 run . 2 . Figured out how I 'm going to close off one run and open up another around the pop hole that leads to # 4 , # 3 , and # 2 runs . The answer is 3 people sized gates , which will hang off posts at the end of each run by the hen house . I will make the gates after the 5 day race is over ( unless by some miracle I end up with spare time ! ) . I hit a snag with the plan around lunch time when I attempted to pound the second post in , using the pounder I borrowed from Hay Guy , and bent the post hitting a rock about a foot down . I moved over a tad , and found the same rock - 4 times , ruining two posts . So , clearly this plan needs to be adapted a little . 3 . Moving on , I took out all the wire on the fence between # 4 and # 3 that was patched , broken or holey . This left me with a stretch near the chicken house of about 15 feet that needs to be completely re - wired . The rest of the fence looks fine , but is very low in places . I have decided to get a roll of 3 ft wire tomorrow to add to the top of this fence . I also put in three T - posts on this fence line , removing the short portable electric fence posts I 'd had there before . Post pounder on the left - it 's about 4 ft long , and weighs a LOT . Metal tube with a cap welded on . I have trouble lifting it off the post when I 'm done - I feel like I 'm caber tossing . I frankly think this thing could double as a battering ram . 4 . I started installing new wire . This is high enough , and being 1 ″ mesh , is sturdier than the 2 ″ mesh I had on this fence before , but I 'll still have the issue with sagging at the top in a year or two . Long term goal is to switch to square mesh . For the remaining fences that will have to be done over the winter , that 's what I 'll use . Henny decided today that having been living wild for 3 or 4 weeks , she is content to be an indoor chicken for a bit and refused to leave her lovely clean hen house . This could have something to do with the fact that she is clearly moulting . Why do chickens do this just when the weather starts to turn cold and nasty ? I 've always wondered . The wire is to make it harder for the rats . The old real estate signs are very useful - in this case I use them as a moisture barrier to protect the wooden floor , and now also the wire , as the deep bedding will stay there till late spring . The signs will also make it easier to clean the house out later , as trying to scrape deep bedding off the wired floor would / will be a pain . We thought of sandwiching the wire by adding more plywood on top , but the floor has some squishy spots and the ply we have is 1 / 2 inch , which is pretty heavy , so topped with a season 's worth of deep bedding would probably cave the floor in completely . This year 's efforts are truly just " hold it together " type patching jobs . We bought the hen house as a DIY shed kit about 8 years ago ( I think ) . We hemmed and hawed about the fact that the walls are particle board , but in the end we went for it , as it was on sale for a discount and we were on a very tight budget . Considering how much rain we get , it 's really completely amazing that it 's lasted as long as it has , but readers who have stuck with me for a year or so will already know that I have made noises about having to get this hen house fixed / renovated / repaird for quite a while . I said last year it was definitely happening , and then this year , I said we were taking the particle board off and replacing it with plywood . We have the plywood , and the framing on the house is still sound , but the missing factor was time . Meanwhile , of course , the new layer flock , which arrived as day olds back at the beginning of July , were not remotely contained in the brooder by about the start of September , so the second the broilers were out of the field pens , I put the pullets into them . My back groaned not so silently at the thought of moving those shelters daily for another week or two , but stoically has held it together for not just one , but in fact several weeks . Ironically , it is now feeling better than it has in months , as long as I don 't sit still for too long . Today has been good . The house itself is completely ready for the birds to move in right now , though I won 't be moving them till Wednesday night at the earliest . I still have a lot of other work around the outside of it to do before the birds can go out in one of the runs , and it currently has no nest boxes at all , but it was a huge step forward today , especially considering that I also had to run our eldest daughter out to the university in the morning ( three broken toes , and the bus stop almost 1 km away - so we 've been giving her a lift for the last couple of weeks ) , and made use of the trip to also get groceries and feed , altogether about 3 hours of my morning . I also got a set of sheets through the laundry and out on the line during my stop for lunch , taking advantage of an unexpectedly sunny afternoon . The hen house is not completely vacant . One of the old hens got away on the last processing day and I wasn 't able to catch her . She 's been living out the last two weeks , bewildered and lonely , and this past few days has been hanging around the hen house . I 've decided she can have a reprieve as she will be able to teach the others how to roost ( hubby says she 'll teach them how to escape , and he 's probably right ) , and she very gratefully took up lonely residence inside on the roosts yesterday and again tonight . 1 . The Hen House - patch rat holes in the walls and floor , line the floor with chicken wire . Patch the door ( two major holes , not from rats , just because this thing is made from particle board . Yes , I know ) . Replace the fascia board or whatever it is on the top front of the house so that the rain doesn 't do more damage to the top edge of the wall than it already has . Do the same on the back end . Take out the old wooden nest boxes ( they were functional but difficult to clean out , plus the birds kept roosting on top . Anything I used to block them from doing that allowed the rats a free passageway ) . Assemble and install the new metal nest boxes ( new is relative , I bought them 2 years ago ) . Patch and / or replace the wire where needed on what we call " the lobby " , the covered area the hens access from the house , and from which they then access one of 4 pasture runs . Put some scratching material in the lobby ( old straw ) . 2 . Chicken Run - not the movie . I have 70 + pullets ( actually 3 are roosters ) out in field pens right now , and the minute I 'm done with this race , they have to come off the field . They will need some pasture , but they 're flighty at this stage , so it 's got to have good fence . Not one of my 4 pasture runs for the hen house has intact fencing . It 's all full of holes , falling down , or actually missing ( because I started working on it last year ) . I need to get one run ready to go by the end of the race . I can get the next ones done once the chickens are in the house . 4 . Potatoes - have GOT to be dug up , before they rot . Only about 40 plants , but they have been low on the list for weeks , and they are on borrowed time . 5 . Put garden to bed - turn over , green manure . Just one half , the other half has so much volunteer kale , which we 're enjoying , that I think I 'll leave it be . Weeds are a cover crop , right ? Some challenges I face : the weather . Forecast is for rain all week . In practice what it seems to be doing is raining most of the night , clearing for most of the day and drizzling at dusk . If that changes , it will probably be to more rain . Other aspects of life will continue and I will still be involved . You know , meals , laundry , errands , driving kids places , etc . You notice I have happily ditched house cleaning from the list for the week . I have a few positives going from the start line - thanks to some stat time in lieu that I had to use up soon or lose , I have no off - farm work till Saturday . That 's 5 days free for farming ( and family and laundry and errands … ) . Also , my elderly neighbour , a retired construction contractor , who feels he owes me some help due to my daily visits to keep his veg garden watered over the summer while he had a broken ankle , has offered his expertise , and will bring his own tools . Yes ! I 'm more than happy to accept his offer . Also , I got a couple of hours of work done on Sunday - a jump start , and hubby cooked an awesome meal that day which provided leftovers for today , so no cooking needed on day one of the race . What a great support team I have . My reward if I win ? Dry secure housing for my layer flock . Happy hens who won 't be confined in pasture pens anymore , but will also not be free ranging over in my neighbour 's flower garden , like the last batch . Eggs ! A year 's worth of garlic , redeemable next July . A couple months worth of potatoes , good until the New Year ( hopefully ) . A feeling of accomplishment , and a chance to finally write new stuff on my whiteboard .

There is a madness sweeping the land . It started ( this round anyway ) in American Samoa . The person known as " Quilter Zero " ( as we would say in epidemiological terms " the index case " ) is none other than Barb at BEJEWELED QUILTS BY BARB . One case was spread directly to Pat at A Little of This and a Little of Pat when she ( and I ) won Barb 's giveaway . However , there are other cases that possibly spread by visual exposure like Barbara at Pinelands Patches As you can see this is becoming epidemic ! It is possible that it is a pandemic ! My case is starting to develop . The first signs were today . Somehow , I became compelled to make a template and cut pieces with scissors ( shock ! not a rotary cutter ! ) This required possibly infecting my friend Serena ( thanks Serena ! ) as she gave me info on templates . - - - now you all probably have done templates for years and maybe even learned that way . This was a FIRST for me . I nearly freaked over it - honest truth . As you can see I am definitely showing the symptoms of Ginger Jar Madness . Now a word to Barb and Pat - because they may be wondering . I chose a background fabric that is a pale yellow . One of the pre - cut pieces blended in and would not make a jar that shows well . So I used this blue paisley to replace it . All my other jars will be from the pieces in the kit . Special thanks to Barb , Pat and Serena . Ladies you are fantastic ! The holidays kept me busy , a little bit too busy to post everything . So I am catching up with this post . These are NOT in any particular order . I am going with the way Blogger put the photos , just so I don 't have to edit a lot of html ( internet web browser code ) She had a giveaway of some older style squares that she didn 't plan to use . Now , I happen to love a bunch of precut squares so I entered for this one . I won ! Yaay ! I will have so much fun with these squares . AND Wanda added some larger pieces of fabric that will go nicely with the squares . PLUS she sent me some strips of batik " scraps " that will be great for my " wild " style . Thank you , Wanda ! I love these blocks and will be making a lap quilt for my recliner with them . Ahhhh ! I am thinking I will sash with colors in a scrappy manner to break up the muslin centers . That could change , we will see . In the envelope with the blocks was a delightful pincushion with yummy alpaca yarn at the top . This is a big pincushion that won 't get " lost " on my table . It is shown on the blocks sitting between Linda B 's and Pat McN 's blocks . These are pre - cut pieces for a ginger jar quilt . Along with the pieces is a cute little bag that my mother made oooh and ahhhhh sounds over . So mom will be getting that part of the prize . The fabrics in this have an Asian inspired theme in keeping with the " Ginger Jar " idea . I love Asian inspired so this will be another one for me to keep , I think . I want to say that I have been extremely blessed this year . I have won a number of giveaways , but what I have really won is far more important . I have won the friendship of some beautiful people here in the blogging world . So I am going to close with a couple of quotes from an artist whose work I admire . If I don 't post again prior to the new year , Happy New Year to you all . ( but I may post . . . . so don 't stop looking ! ) One of my friends posted about a gift she received in school . As I read it memories flooded back . I remember Christmas gift exchange in elementary school . My gift came from a girl whose family didn 't seem to have as much as we had - which wasn 't much either . Sadly , I didn 't appreciate my gift until AFTER my little brother claimed it . Then I realized that it wasn 't expensive but it was a fun gift . That little girl gave me the gift and looked so HAPPY to be giving it . Her eyes were big and her smile was broad . I know she thought it was an amazing gift . I am glad that I was able to smile back and thank her for the gift . I hope my initial disappointment didn 't show . I will always remember her joy in giving - To me that IS Christmas . I wish I knew what happened to that little girl . I would love to tell her that the real gift I got that Christmas was a vision of the JOY OF GIVING . I can still she her young face and bright smile . I hope she still has that type of joy . Forgive me for cutting this short . . . the tears are falling . . . . . . . You know how I love those bright colors don 't you ? When I wandered over to Alderwood Quilts . I found another giveaway . Please don 't go enter , because I want to win . ( ha ha ) BUT you should go read her blog and start following her . Tell her " Gene sent me ! " I am working on a project ( present ) but that person sometimes looks at my blog so I can 't show it . Suffice it to say that I sewed last night and discovered that I can stitch in the ditch much better if I do it free motion . That was a revelation . I think it is the open toe foot that makes that happen . That is NOT my stitching in the picture . I st - - - - errr borrowed that picture from Amazon . com I am wondering if I can find a regular foot for my Babylock that is an open toe . I suppose I should take the time to look thru the feet I have in the case first . LOL . I keep finding that I already have what I need , I just don 't realize it . BTW the reason I tried free motion " in the ditch " quilting is that I was just too lazy to change the foot again . And I knew I had to do a bit more free motion anyway . That would be changing TWICE . My blogger friend Micki is having an Irish Christmas Giveaway ! ! ! Truthfully , I want to win this BUT I also want to share it with you . The prizes are amazing . A Belleek China Santa , Shamrock socks , a Sweet Colleen doll , a yummy looking Irish Creme bar , an Irish Christmas edition quilting magazine , and a postcard showing the thatched cottages in Ireland . These prizes would certainly make my heart full of Irish happiness for the new year . Go on over and enter , and of course Follow Micki 's blog . The treat day pictures are below . These are what was left when I realized I needed to make pictures . The first is the chocolate cookies I made . That plate was full of cookies except for the three stacks of Ghirardelli squares I added to it . The cookies are so easy . Cake mix , 1 / 2 cup butter ( one stick ) and two eggs . Blend with a pastry blender till mixed . Roll into quarter sized balls and bake at 350 or ten minutes on an ungreased cookie sheet . ( I used parchment paper under mine ! ) They were the HIT of the day . 10 . Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot . Line a plant pot with a coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the drainage holes . 13 . . Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon , French fries , chicken fingers , etc on them . It soaks out all the grease . 23 . Use them to sprout seeds . Simply dampen the coffee filter , place seeds inside , fold it and place it into a plastic baggie until they sprout . I looked around and found this glorious Fat Quarter collection called " Dancing Horses " by Laurel Burch . I have tried to be a very good boy this year . ( Except when I did that naughty thing to my little brother , but he was picking at me AND he said you didn 't exist . ) These bright colors make me so happy . And the horses add a power and joy to the imagining . PLUS , I won 't shoot my eye out with this present ! One of my blogging buddies was asking about my first sewing machine ever . ( I still have it and it still works , thank you ! ) It is an old Kenmore 5186 Zigzag machine . I bought it either my senior year of high school or the first year I was out of school . I got it second hand . The dark spots on the lower case were there when I got it . I used this machine to make clothing for myself . In the late 70 's the " dashiki shirt " was in style and I had a pattern . I made several of them . The dashiki is a pullover shirt with an open neck . The sleeves are not set - in so it is easy to make . I also made some other shirts with it . I hope you enjoyed the history lesson . I confess that I FAR prefer to sew on my nice new Babylock Espire machine . However the old Kenmore will work in a pinch . And it is a good idea to have an old mechanical machine around for things you don 't want to sew on your nice machine . If you enlarge the picture you can see the controls better ( and you can see the junk behind that machine - but don 't look at that part , okay ? ) This machine has a little silver knob on the right side marked with a letter " U " That is the control to lower the feed dogs . Yeah , really it is . I have done some free motion on this machine , although it is not great for that . Still it can do it . The zigzag works well too . The stitch length is an interesting thing though . I call it guess and go ! Ha ha . I was reading comments on another blog and someone mentioned that a ginger jar quilt is on her " list . " That got me to thinking . I know that I have a mental list of quilts or types of quilts I want to make . I have designed several quilts that I want to make . I also want to write up the patterns for them and put them in my Etsy and / or ArtFire shops . Then , maybe , just maybe , I can get to attend Quilt Market and become known . That could help me in my quest to become a PAID fabric designer . I would love to see the " Gene Black - Visions of Color " fabric line ( hey , a guy can dream can 't he ! ) What else ? Gee , I am not going to post all the those pictures I exported of designs in Electric Quilt . Just know that there are plenty of them . There is a wonderful giveaway over at Green Fairy Quilts . Judi is giving away a layer cake AND a jelly roll AND her Flower Patch pattern . Now you can go buy everything in her store . Then just leave this lovely prize for me . I like that idea best ! Ha ha . My guess is that you want to go and ENTER so you have a chance at winning too . Fine , go ahead . But if you win , remember that I sent you there and send me your scraps from this . Okay ? Just so you know , I have bought precut fabric from Judi at The Green Fairy Quilts and the service was excellent . Judi and Clint know how to deliver . Luckily , I measured the last purse so I know what size to aim for . Sadly , like most of my work , I made it up as I went . OOPS , how will I make it the same ? Fact is , I probably won 't . She loved the brown / tan mottled fabric as the main part of the bag , so I am repeating it . The previous had a paper pieced tulip block on point on the front of it . I may set this on point but I am not sure yet . I love the hand dyed fabrics in this block . hmmm . Compared to the other one , this may be a little " loud . " She did mention that she liked the muted colors on the first one . Today I don 't have a lot to post about BUT this is a painting I did that hangs in front of my desk at work . The short name is Bridge . The longer name is Bridge Across the Void into Tomorrow . What do you get when a Jelly Roll and a Honey Bun get together ? If you have been following closely , you know that I got my first Honey Bun this week . I took some strips from the Moda Neptune Honey Bun ( 4 ) and added some strips from the Moda Love is in the Air Jelly Roll ( 4 ) and got this ! Neptune is by Tula Pink and Love is in the Air is by Deb Strain . I wonder if they have ever met and if they are friends . Let me tell you , I think they play nicely together . Don 't you ? After sewing the strip set , I cut some four inch strips and some 2 inch strips . I alternated them and of course turned the 2 inchers end for end . Sewed them back together for a fun but easy design . I will have to cut something to make the " squares " square . But I am visiting and only have my 4x18 ruler with me so I will do that when I am at home . We had heard it forecast , but in Alabama we never believe in snow till we see it . This morning I immediately went to look out and see . It was still dark then , but I turned on the deck light to see . SNOW ! Okay so I am not really that excited . I spent two years in Ohio , I have had my share of snow . Now that it is nice and light , although still overcast , I took a picture to show you . We have about an inch according to " Mr . Weatherman " See the snow . In other news , I got a faithful follower prize from Pat for commenting on every post she posted for a period of time . I didn 't even know she was counting . I wasn 't ! She sent fabric ( to feed my fabric - a - holic disease ! ) A fun little trivia book on Country music . i confess that I have looked at it a bit and know way too many of those answers . You see my mother 's family play country music and I grew up listening to it . AND a darling little quilt related magnet . It says " Any day spent quilting is a good day " I have a confession to make . Even though I am trying SO MUCH to avoid buying fabric , once in a while I fail . Yes , I fail . I FAIL badly . You see it was one of those " after Thanksgiving sales " with prices that were too good to pass up . Judi at Green Fairy Quilts posted about Moda honey buns for CHEAP ! I love jelly rolls , which are 2 . 5 inch strips . A honey bun is a 1 . 5 strip . Now if I had both . . . . . . . Hmmmmm . I could alternate strips from each ( wide strip , thin strip , wide strip , thin strip , etc ) and THEN cut across the strip set twice . Next put them in opposite directions so the seams DON ' T match and make a cool design . Yeah , the idea caused trouble . You see that picture ? I bought a honey bun ( Neptune by Tula Pink ) from Green Fairy Quilts . And since the Kashmir charm pack was on sale too , I added it to my addiction . Just so you know - and to fuel your addiction , Green Fairy Quilts is still having the sale . Good thing I already have some jelly roll strips to go with that huh ? Eventually I will get a chance to get back to the sewing machine and then I can show you what I described . I hope it looks as cool as it did in my head . In other " I was bad and bought something " news , I also ordered a Fun and Done Batting Buddy from Chris ' Shop over at We Love Quilting . This looks really cool . It is a quilt as you go technique that ends with a totally finished quilt that is bound and finished . ( without sewing on extra binding ! ! ! ) The backing makes both the sashing and the binding . I can hardly wait to get it and try this . Hmmmm . . could I use the jelly roll / honey bun combo with it ? I think so . There are also " Fun and Done " Patterns but you KNOW I don 't follow patterns . LOL I was very pleased that sometime in November I was asked to do an interview . The lovely Micki , an American who transplanted to Ireland , asked me to be her December Star ! Needless to say , I was thrilled and happy to do it . I filled out the interview and attached some pictures as requested . Interestingly , I discovered a couple of things about myself . ( one thing that I discovered AFTER sending it in - my memory is crap ! I completely forgot to mention one of my UFOs because I think of it as a " long term project " not a UFO ) My buddy Rhonda aka Ravelly1 has reached 500 posts . She is having a giveaway and is giving a gift certificate . That is all I needed to know . So I am entering . Are you ? 500th Post Giveaway Okay , so I THINK it was made in Wales . Anyway , my good blogging friend Andrea , The Welsh Quilter has donated a quilt that she made for her daughter to raffle . As this is to raise funds ( go read about it ) you do have to pay for a chance to win . I have entered . I hope you do too . Go read about it and if you can spare the $ $ ENTER . I posted a comment on a blog about Thanksgiving . The blog owner , Pat , said " You should post that story on your blog . " So for the day after Thanksgiving ( USA ) here is a Thanksgiving " horror story . " ( my apologies to those of you who already read it in the comments on Pat 's blog ) One lovely Thanksgiving morning I was at my mother 's house assisting her with the preparations . ( I learned to cook before I was a teenager - nothing gourmet , but I can cook AND I am an excellent baker ) Mom was cooking some black - eyed peas in the pressure cooker . The Turkey was nearly done , but still in the oven . Fortunately , we were both away from the stove at the moment . There was a loud Whoosh / Bang / SSssssssiiss sound . Oh My Goodness ! what was that ! One quick look was all it took . The relief valve on top of the pressure cooker had blown out . There was a dent we later found in the ceiling from it - but we never found the plug . This was in my pre - digital camera days or I would have a picture . It was priceless . The peas shot out all over the ceiling . Later , when we opened the cooker , there was only a thin film of pea mush left on the insides of it . What to do ? A : Clean the peas off the ceiling before they turn to " pea stucco " ( such a fun job - where was Mike Rowe when we needed him ? ) Ham with Pineapple , Sweet Potatoes with marshmallow topping , and Roasted Garlic . It was a small quarter ham as there was no need to cook like I had an army coming in . It was a small group . I have ham left over and sweet potatoes left too . Mmmmm . Do you suppose I can / should have sweet potatoes for breakfast ? Sorry that is all the pictures . . . . the eating began and I wasn 't about to miss out . Dessert is later but there will be no pictures . ( I confess - dessert was totally prefab from a box . All I am adding is sugar free cool whip ) Thanks to all of you who are faithful followers . I am glad you keep coming back . I am amazed that there are 76 people who follow me . By my blog stats , I see that about 50 of them read every post . Wow ! For that I am thankful . I want to wish all of you a Happy day today . I know that some of you are not US citizens , so Happy Thanksgiving is not appropriate for all of you . However , for all the readers who DO celebrate this day of giving thanks for all the blessings in our lives , HAPPY THANKGIVING ! Today , I will be cooking ( shock ! ) the Thanksgiving meal for the first time that I can recall . I have cooked a dish or two to take before , but I don 't think I have ever done the whole sha - bang . Truthfully , I am trying to keep it simple . My menu consists of : Sweet potato casserole ( because I am Southern AND I never met a sweet potato I didn 't like ) Uh , yes I will have marshmallows toasted on top of it . For dessert ; Apple pie - cause none of us really like pumpkin pie enough for me to do that . There will be sugar free cool whip to top it . Mmmm . . . . . . I am ready to eat now ! Have a wonderful day and remember that if you are able to read this , you are blessed - so give thanks . You see , my parents and I have a " deal . " They told me " We don 't want you to buy us anything for Christmas . We aren 't going shopping so , just come to see us . Don 't buy us a present . " I am keeping the " deal " in my own way . I didn 't go and buy them a present . I made it . It can stay on the sofa and be for them both . Do you think I am a bad son ? I know I am sort of circumventing the deal , but I made it and I want them to have it . Does that make me bad ? This is one of the quilts I finished a while back . I had quilted it lightly using a programmed stitch on my machine . Now that I have fallen in love with free motion work on that same machine , I decided that it needs more quilting . So last night , I decided to start on it . Or would that be " re - start " it ? Anywho ! I put on a movie and set up the machine in front of the TV . The movie I chose was " Ant Bully " About halfway through I got slower on the quilting because I got interested in the movie . I got finally just stopped sewing and watched the rest of it . So then I put in one I have seen many times - Hush , Hush Sweet Charlotte . It is a tale of murder and suspense , with a bit of horror thrown in . It is actually a cautionary tale of deceit . The ending always makes me think . Last night I realized that there are a couple of questions left hanging at the end of the movie . Where was I ? Ha ha . Yes I was quilting away . finally after three ? ? or four bobbins , I stopped . There is still a little bit to quilt and I will finish it this week . Meanwhile you will have to make do with the picture above from the previous post . Hopefully it will be wash and all crinkly the next time you see it . The sale went well . There weren 't as many shoppers this year as last year . Most of the purchases I had were small ones . But I did make more profit this year . Not a lot more , but it was an improvement . I didn 't take many pictures because I just forgot I had the camera . But here are those I did take . My friend had an rack that his mother used to use for hanging ironing . So I put it at the end of the table to hang a quilt on . That made the table a bit less crowded . Right next to me was my friend Dave 's table . He is a terrific photographer . And way too close to me was the Bake Sale table . I had to buy some fudge . Bad me ! Good Fudge ! One of these days I will figure out how to get both pictures on the same line in blogger . Right now i just don 't feel like writing HTML code to fix it . However , I am putting up the pictures for you to see my table at the sale ! I couldn 't fit in easily in one picture so you see some of the stuff twice . ( so be sure to enjoy it twice - ha ha ) The rack on the right of the table actually has four paintings on it . The rack is 3 - sided so customers will see both sides . It just doesn 't show here . On the left end of the table is all my quilted stuff on and around the A - frame shelving . ( I took two wire shelves and placed shelf boards through them . Ta - dah ! There are two more paintings in the window sill . And in the middle of the table is my jewelry and note cards ( notecards also in the basket on the right side of the table ) Everything is pretty well packed up - oops , there are a couple of purses and a couple of sheets that haven 't made it into boxes . Those will have to sit in the back seat and behave - " Don 't make me stop this car and come back there ! " LOL The wire racks and the white boards assemble to make an A - framed shelf . That black thing under the purses is part of my jewelry display . The sheets are for the table coverings . That bag ? It has some small paintings to ( hopefully ) be sold . I will be taking a couple of print racks for my Photographer friend , Dave to use . The other wire racks that will be the display for my paintings are already in the car . Whew , I have to get moving . Sorry if I don 't get to reply today or tomorrow , I will be busy ! ( and hopefully selling a lot of stuff ! ) Thanks to Norma for asking . This will be at the Church of the Epiphany in Guntersville , Alabama . The Sale will be held from 8 am to 2 pm on Saturday November 21 , 2009 I suppose some of you think I fell in a black hole . I haven 't posted since Monday and that was a quick " giveaway post " The fact is , I did NOT fall in a Black Hole . Whew ! Aren 't ya glad ? Ha ha . I have been busy but not with anything to really show . I have been preparing for the " big sale " this Saturday . Last night I worked on packaging note cards . The note cards are prints of my paintings . I sell them pretty inexpensively at the sale . A package of five is $ 5 except for the fancier ones . I haven 't placed any of them on Etsy since the shipping would cost as much as the cards . If you go to my website you can see a lot of my artwork . Meanwhile here are some of my best selling note card images . Today I took the runner from yesterday 's post and had a wonderful time quilting it . I did my version of free motion quilting . It is part meandering / stippling and part drawing with the needle . As in all my work it is heavily influenced by abstraction . You can click on the pictures to see them bigger . Just use that back button on your browser to get back here . I don 't want you leaving before I am done ! LOL I did this little loopy border around the edges , just because . I love using an ecru thread over dark fabric to quilt . It makes the stitches really pop . The down side to that is that every mistake is highlighted too . Such is life . Risk is like salt , without it life is bland , but if you overdo it , it can be dangerous . I clicked on these pictures - to check them out and found several " birds " in my quilting designs . They were totally subconscious renderings . I did intend some other shapes that didn 't come out so well , but the birds look intentional . My subconscious is a strange place ! I used some leftover bits and pieces , blocks or parts of borders that hadn 't been used . I added a few leftover jelly roll strips . After all I paid as much per square inch for those bits as I did per square inch for the yardage , now didn 't I ? So all those pieces make for a table runner that is certainly unique . Will anyone buy it at the sale ? who knows ! I can never figure out the buying public . So for this piece I took the batting and used it as a foundation . I started at one end and sewed two strips down , face together with the LOOSE edges left at the end of the batting . ( say they were 2 inches wide ) When I ironed it open then the first 4 inches ( minus seam allowance ) were covered . Then I added a strip at a time ironing after each till I reached the other end . Some of the strips , as you can see are pieced sets sewn or cut to the width of the runner . This made it more interesting AND took up some of my " whadda I do with those pieces ? " stash . In the picture it is hanging from my room divider and I can see it is hanging crooked . It is actually pretty evenly squared up . I don 't fret that too much . Some of the strips came out slightly wonky . I decided to call that " charmingly unique . " OR " real folk art original " yeah , you know kinda like Gee 's Bend quilts . After all , I am from Alabama . Life got in the way of my sewing plans , so I am sharing some of my co - worker 's creations . Part of what took up my sewing time was working on his website . Yes , I am his webmaster - woo woo ! In total I manage 3 websites not to include this blog . The three are completely designed by me . I will tell you , it is a lot of work . Here is the scoop : Whittler 's Hollow Creations is the creative effort of T . Nelson Robertson Jr . I must tell you that Mr . Robertson is my friend and co - worker . I tell him that he doesn 't charge enough for his work . Carving the cypress knees into these figures and finishing them is truly hard work . He loves it as much as I love to sew . So we understand each other . Here are two of the figures that I placed on the website this evening : The one on the left has a purple robe ( it is a warm purple and looks almost burgundy in the picture . ) The one on the right is in a red robe and wears a bishop 's mitre ( hat . ) These are my two favorites from this years collection . But they are all lovely . These Father Christmas carvings certainly make me happy . I have a collection of them . My Nana will get one as her Christmas present , but I can 't post that one here - she might look !

It 's been over 7 years now that I have been a stay at home mom to two sweet girls , my 10 month old son , and an awesome husband and after hours of being mommy at night I have some downtime to relive the day in print . I find myself throughout the day watching , waiting , and holding my breath for the next remarkably funny or awe - inspiring moment that redefines why I love being a wife and a parent . My kids are my greatest acheivement and I am proud to be able to share them with you . Email me at : havebabieswillblog @ gmail . com Gluttony at it 's finestI mean , really . . . One rawhide wasn 't enough ? And the Diva goes for the raw hide that is as big as she is . Silly Dogs . This amazing little footprint belongs to Ava . She is totally enthralled with everything foot . This includes footprints - making , finding , seeing it , it doesn 't matter . She just loves to watch the pavement change when she stomps her little wet foot on it . Today she discovered she made tracks in the sand when she ran out of the surf . It was like a dream come true for her and a joy to watch for us . This is my shell collecting , sand castle building , little digger . Give her and shovel and a pale and Olivia will be busy for hours . I AM NOT JOKING . She tries to dig up my yard every opportunity she gets . Olivia just discovered her own footprints . And now she is off and running with her shovel and pale . Always busy . Always . Just try and tell Ava to get out of the water because it is time to leave the beach . You 'll hear , " NO NO NO NO ! ! ! " Ava can 't wait to get into the water and splash around . She absolutely loves it . Even when it 's freezing . She has heard we are leaving the beach to go to the toy store . As you can see she would rather stay at the beach . Miss Sandcastle Extraordinaire leaving her mark on the world . Went to see the Nutritionist today for Ava 's weight . The lady was very kind and Ava spent the morning playing in a bucket of fake foods . Besides the fact that we were both big blobs of mucus the appointment went well . She said all the changes and portion sizes they we modified are great and Ava should do just fine growing into her weight . She can have small snacks and enjoy herself . She doesn 't need it to be so structured that when she goes somewhere outside of our house she gorges herself because we don 't offer any fun stuff . So I feel good that we have a handle on things and her weight is maintaining . As for Miss Olivia . . . I missed her little stink butt today . Ava told me in the truck on the way home that she missed her too . It is definitely different when Olivia 's away at school . So here 's what Livy was up to while she was at school : Looks like an incredibly awesome day . Liv 's getting better at writing her name . This is the end of sea life week . She created a whale and was given a sea shell to take home . It was also letter " F " for the week . We are very excited because Thursday for share day Liv is taking her Fancy Nancy books . . . And this is the shark hat she made in class too . Apparently her teacher brought in several different types of sea life for the kids to be able to touch . None of the boys wanted to touch anything but the girls were all for it especially Olivia . She said she was all over it touching the octopus and catfish . That 's my girl ! Ava and I went to the library and picked out some awesome astronaut books , a few animal books , and a movie . She loves the library and since this wasn 't a reading day with all of the kids she had the place to herself . Much better than on reading days . Although , we now go to the B & N reading group and that one is much better than the library one . The kids sit in a circle inside of all haphazard . Anyway despite feeling like crud the girls have had a fairly decent day . Hopefully the icks will be gone soon . Saturday we used the last of our freebie zoo tickets and spent the day relaxing with the animals . Ava rode the roller coaster this time since Livy got to ride it last time . They both drove the airplanes and went on the merry - go - round . Everyone was satisfied , the weather was breezy , and the day was totally free . That in and of itself was the best part of the day . After visiting the animals we drove over to Alameda to check out this toy store we used to shop at to see if it was still there . It was and it had some great stuff . We have a $ 40 credit so we got some ideas on what the girls would want so that Dave can go back and pick it up later . Then we bought a couple of sundaes and headed to the beach . Olivia was so excited to build sand castles she could have cared less about her ice cream . Ava was carefully guarding hers and asked if she could eat Ava 's too . We told her she couldn 't and she was ok with it since she was going to get to run in the waves . After a few minutes of playing in the waves the girls were soaked and sandy but totally happy . It was worth all the effort of having to rinse them off and wipe off the sand before getting in the truck to go home . They enjoyed every minute of it and were so worn out they slept most of the way home . Sunday we got up and Olivia wanted to ride bikes so we got out our helmets and geared up for a ride to the park . Olivia is awesome on her bike . She can turn well , brake well , and has now mastered the ability to stop on slopes and control her speed so she can stop before going off the side of the curb . Grammie 's buying her a new big girl bike for her birthday so she 's using the smaller bike for the last few rides before it gets handed over to Ava . She 's very thrilled about this and asks quite often if it is her birthday today . Not until November I tell her . It must seem like a lifetime for her . Once we all arrived at the park I took each of the girls separately for a lap around the track . Dave pushed Ava on the swing while Olivia jogged and while Ava jogged Dave chased Olivia onPosted by Livy is getting to show Grammie and Papa her school . Ava wants to get in on the action and hold Grammie 's hand too . Grammie has made it into the classroom . That 's farther than I got the the first day I dropped Livy off . This is where Olivia will be sitting today . It changes every class so the kids all get to sit next to someone different . The next few weeks they are studying sea life . Ava wants to show Grammie the toys she just found . After school Liv showed me her work . The elephant bag . . . And after a hard day of dropping off and picking up her sister , Ava needed a nap . Apparently so did the baby that is sandwiched between her legs . After cleaning upstairs I walked down to find Olivia reading to Sugar . She tells me she reads good like her teacher . Ava was busily jumping rope . . . in her slippers . And someone covered the dog in babies and blankets . By the looks of it she didn 't care . Today was the letter " E " and the beginning of kids learning about sea - life for two weeks . Olivia was pretty proud of this fish that she created . She wanted to make sure her daddy saw it so we stuck it on the fridge . It was the first thing he saw when he walked in through the door because she wasn 't going to let him pass through the house until he looked at it . Here 's Olivia writing her name . And there 's the " E " collage . Tonight I didn 't feel like cooking and Dave was getting home early since he had to go register the CRV so the girls and I took a vote and we decided to try this new Mexican restaurant . It was yummy and a good choice . Ava ate a whole kid size burrito which she has never done before . She likes tortilla but typically on the side not filled with beans . Olivia ordered nachos and when they came with melted cheese she refused to eat them and ate Dave 's rice , beans , and lettuce . So now we now we know two burritos only . Afterwards we crossed the street to check out the kids bikes at a nearby store . I had been checking craigslist for a cheap one for Olivia since her 12in is too small but there were only 2 bikes that were 16 inches in the nearby vicinity and one was already sold and the other never responded . So anyway we found the perfect bike for $ 50 . Olivia jumped right on and rode it around the store . Ava got on it too and she could ride it but she is better suited for the little bike we have at home . Although Ava does need a helmet which created a bit of a riot when we tried one on for size at the store and she refused adamantly to take it off . . . Olivia and I pretended we didn 't know Ava and Dave and slowly moved away . Then we picked up some elastic to restring the bracelet that Ava had been wearing earlier but had broken . The girls are so into jewelry , nail polish , bows , and all the fancy crap I was never into . It 's funny that they are so girlie . Must have been genes that skipped a generation . We also bought a friendship bracelet kit so I can make the girls a few bracelets without beads . Should be intePosted by Earlier today I thought I 'd post a blog but after thinking about our weekend I really had nothing to blog about . Then we took a jog to the park and around the trail . We always walk / jog the trail twice and then end at the playground for drinks and play time . Well today we did our first lap around and Ava became cranky when she thought she was finished and ready to play after the first lap . " I can 't do it Mommy , " she balked at me . " Yes you can Ava . We will just walk this lap , no jogging . " I replied . And then . . . She ran off ahead of me . Figures . So we jogged a little , walked a little , held hands a little , chased our shadows a little , and soon made it three quarters of the way around before Ava decided again she just couldn 't do it . I stopped Olivia and told her we were going to walk the rest of the way . She wasn 't thrilled as she was enjoying running around but she knew she was almost at the slides so she started walking . Once back on the pavement Olivia took off running for the slides . No biggie . She does this every time . Actually they both do . But today for some reason Ava decided to walk , holding my hand . It was nice . Me and my little buddy . In my little daughter moment fog I notice out of the corner of my eye a snake which looked dead and Ava was a step from it . ( We already walked here once and never noticed it . ) Then it MOVED . It was alive and it coiled up . I grabbed Ava 's shoulder , but she was in motion to move forward so she sort of twirled around as I drug her away from the snake . She began crying because I jerked her away and she didn 't know what was happening . So I pointed to the snake and told her she almost stepped on it . " Mommy I afraid of snakes . " Ava sobbed . I comforted her and apologized to her for scarring and scaring her for life . She cried a little more while Olivia came to check out the snake and the commotion . Then Olivia ran back to the slides yelling smugly over her shoulder , " I like snakes . " You know what : WHAT EVER . So in hindsight I guess I did have something to post about today . Starting off with a great week . First we get robbed and have our truck window smashed out and now this . . . Can you believe we went to our local neighborhood park today to only discover that it had been burned down by arsonists ? Me neither . One play structure was still standing and usable but the other was torched with oil and burned to the ground . So much for fire - proof play ground equipment . And just think yesterday I was contemplating having Olivia 's birthday party outside at the park . I guess that won 't be happening . What 's with all the jerks out there that just want to ruin the livelihood of children . Assclowns . has finally ended I believe . Ugh . Where to even begin . Saturday afternoon while we waited for Grandma B to arrive , Dave posted the car online for sale with pictures . Blue Book value was $ 1690 so we were asking for $ 1800 . We wouldn 't be needing the car anymore since Grandma B was driving us out the Honda CRV to buy since Grandpa B passed away and she didn 't need two vehicles . Eventually Grandma B and Aunt D arrived around 7PM night . Things were good with their drive , the girls were happy to see them , we were starving from waiting for them to arrive . . . you know - the usual . That night we stayed up chatting after the girls went to sleep . It was nice and relaxing . Sunday morning we woke up and ate breakfast . Grandma B mentioned she wanted to go to the Pier in SF so we packed a few snacks for the girls and jumped in the truck . We had to take BART in since the bridge was closed for the holiday weekend so we packed extremely lightly with our one big double stroller . Once we arrived Dave saw that there was a spin the wheel for a prize thing right at the beginning of the Pier . He spun along with everyone else . We all got half off or free tickets to the aquarium . Cool . We always wanted to go but it is so expensive we never did . Good job Dave . So after playing in the aquarium we went to lunch where the girls danced with the waitresses . Olivia ate garlic mussels with Grandma B . Then we took the girls through the Rainforest Cafe , went to the big chocolate store , bought treats , headed back to the pier to see the seals , bought more goodies and headed back towards BART . We were out all day . As soon as we started our walk back to the BART Ava was asleep . Olivia claimed she was gonna have the throw ups ( wonderful I know ) so she wanted to be carried . After a few feet Dave said she had to sit in the stroller too . He was never gonna make it . Olivia sullen complained the whole way to the BART about not wanting to be in the stroller like a baby . Sitting in a stroller = baby . Whining the entire way - let 's not say priceless ok . So I make the pPosted by I asked my husband when he finally arrived back home with the girls . I had sent them to buy a bag of puppy food from the pet store ( and a fish if the girls were good ) and a sprinkler head from HD . The two stores are fairly close to one another so I assumed they would only be out for a half an hour . Wrong . Never assume when it comes to Dave . Let me say first that they did come back with the puppy food and 4 fish . What happened to 1 fish ? And - they were all smiling when they walked through the door obviously very proud of their mischievous selves . So again I asked , " what happened to you guys that took so long ? " And then Dave gave me the best explanation of all . He told me about how they arrived at HD just in time to partake in the building of a bean bag toss . Apparently both girls were given hammers and they nailed together this ramp like thing with a hole in it . Once it 's built it sits on the ground and you try to toss the bean bags into the hole . The girls were given aprons , stickers , awards for achievement , and HD pins to pin to their aprons . They were very excited and proud of themselves and couldn 't wait to show me their work . I was really happy that they had a great time with their dad . Dave told me later he knows who the builder is in the family . . . apparently when given a hammer Olivia hit the nails very delicately and Ava just started swinging . Sounds about right . So on a different note : We are waiting the arrival of Grandma B and Aunt D . They should be here in an hour . The girls are excited . They know more Fancy Nancy books are on the way . How posh ! And I 'm waiting for the dark to fall to go sit outside in the new hot tub . I have to admit I have become quite addict to it . I think about getting in all day long and right at 8 : 01 PM my toes hit the bubbles . So you 'd think preschool would be easy at least that 's what I thought . Then the teacher handed me a huge packet and said Olivia had a surprise in her bag . Okay . Seemed harmless enough . Then Olivia began taking everything out of her backpack on the sidewalk and in doing so she pulled out a necklace she had made . I thought this was the surprise . A few hours later I went through her backpack again to hang her new art work on the wall . Inside was a surprise bag with directions written on it . It said the bag had to be brought back to every class and could be filled with anything , a toy , a snack , whatever . On the note card you were to write 3 clues and the kids would figure it out . Overwhelmed I thought to myself this seemed like a lot of work to bring something twice a week in addition to Thursday share day that coincides with the letter of the week . On top of that we were sent home the Scholastic book order form and a picture day packet . Exasperated I left everything until Wednesday night . Olivia had picked out a crocodile for share day so that was covered . Picture stuff I could figure out over the weekend . The surprise bag . . . well I thought about making chocolate chip cookies . Then I thought maybe I should start slowly and build up to better things if I was going to have to bring something twice a week . Forever . I brought Saltine crackers . Started with a " C , " the 3 clues were easy , and if all the other moms started with a snack too then the teacher could save this for later . All was great until I got to school and spoke with another mom who explained Olivia was the leader this week . She was the only child who got the surprise bag . Every class it goes to someone else . DOH ! ! ! Had I known this piece of information I would have went out of my way to make fancy cookies for the class . Ok , so in 7 weeks it will be our turn again . I will probably have to bring prime rib and caviar to make up for the lousy Saltines . Hopefully I haven 't shamed my daughter too much since this probably won 't be the last time I botch her school stuffPosted by

Some of you that have had the chance to talk with me over the last 4 days have heard me fretting over the fact that every time I would touch my babies hair I would end up with a handful of it hanging from my fingers . I have worried about her loosing her hair from day one of finding out that she would be undergoing chemotherapy . I decided that whenever I think of a cancer patients I think of their bald head . Loosing your hair solidifies that you are sick . She has seemed so okay lately and I wasn 't ready for her to look sick yet . Well , four days ago I was doing some work on my computer and my daughter was sitting on the floor next to me playing when I realized that her hand was full of hair . At first I thought " ouch that had to hurt , why isn 't she crying " then I started running my fingers through her hair and realized that she hadn 't pulled it out , it had just come out on its own . It made me sick to my stomach to watch her pull hair out every time she touched her hair . My husband and I had talked about her loosing her hair and I decided that I was going to let her keep it as long as it still looked okay and he decided that we would shave it before it started looking gross . So we agreed that she could hang on to it for a little while . The next day when she woke up she had hair everywhere including a chunk in her crib . Throughout the day it became easier and easier to see the hair all over her and all over everything she played with . That night I kept having bad dreams about me loosing all of my hair and her loosing all of her hair and I just didn 't sleep well . In fact in the middle of the night ( I don 't think that I was completely awake ) I began praying that when we woke up she would have a large bald spot on her head and I would really have no choice but to shave it . The next morning I woke up to her choking on her own hair . Her hair was everywhere . She was in our bed and that meant that the hair was all over me and my husband , our baby and her big brother . Her dad got the vacuum out and we all got vacuumed . Her haPosted by We have appreciated so much all of the love and concern we have had from so many different people . We are really being blessed with angels all around us . " Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind . " Elder Jeffery R . Holland . We have had so many people help with our children , bring in food , offer up relief during the times that we need a break , and lend a shoulder to cry on . We can 't say thank you enough times for the wonderful support system we have around us . We have gained much strength from reading the comments on this blog ( so thank you for your love and words of wisdom ) . We have been given lots of quotes that have boosted us , but there is one in particular that stands out to me and I just can 't stop thinking about it . " Life isn 't about waiting for the storm to pass , it 's about learning to dance in the rain . " There have been so many times in my life where a trial has been thrown at me and I always seem to think " why me , why now , when is this going to be over ! " I think I could have benefited from this quote long ago . I have a tendency to wish my life away ( things will be better when , I will be happier if , etc . etc . ) I think about the road we have ahead of us and realize that I can 't ever fully say , " when things are back to normal , back to the way they were " . Things will never be back to how they were and we now have a new normal to our life , but if I keep waiting for things to be different or things to be better , I am going to miss out on a whole lot of things happening now that I can never get back ! This quote gives me a drive to find that good in now , and also look for hope in the future . This past week we truly have been dancing in the rain . It is funny how life changes when you are thrown into something like this . What used to be important is not important anymore . Our focus is our family . Enjoying our time together , creating happy and fun memories for all of our Posted by We got our daughters first blood tests results back since coming home after her chemo . There are four different specific Blood counts that they track , the Red Blood Cells ( Hematocrit and Hemoglobin ) , the White Blood Cells ( Lymphocytes , Neutrophils , Eosinophils , Basophils and Monocytes ) , the ANC ( Absolute Neutrophil Count ) and the Platelets ( clotting agent ) . Now the three that I most worry about are her Hematocrit ( the amount of red blood cells in the blood , a lack of these can make her anemic or look pale , feel tired , dizzy , headache , racing heart or shortness of breath . Healthy Hematocrit levels are 32 - 42 % if she gets down to 20 % she will need a blood transfusion . Her hematocrit came back at 33 . 2 % ( great ) . Platelets are the cells in the body that make blood clots ( she will have easy bruising , bleeding from the gums or nose , or tiny pink / purple freckle - like spots on her skin called petechia ) . Healthy platelet levels are 150 , 000 hers are at 94 , 000 , so they are low , but you don 't need a platelet transfusion until you hit 10 , 000 or lower ( so she is still good ) . ANC ( white blood cell ) is the last that I worry most about . Her absolute neutrophil count shows her ability to fight infections . A healthy ANC is 3000 - 5000 , her is at 0 that is nothing ( very bad ) . She is extremely vulnerable to infections right now . We ( her dad ) gives her a Neupogen shot every night to help her body produce white blood cells . We have to be very careful to keep her in the cleanest environment possible right now , when we are around her we keep our hands very clean and don 't allow anyone that it sick or has been exposed to sickness get around her until her levels go back up . We also need to be very careful with her temperature . If we notice her feeling warm at all we need to take her temperature . If her temperature is at 100 . 3 for longer than 1 hour or if her temperature gets to 101 . 3 for any amount of time we have to call the oncologist and they will have us head to the childrens hospital to be admitted and she will be given medicine and watchePosted by Today was a good day . We are home from the hospital . Our little girl was so excited to come home . She was squealing and smiling from ear to ear . I took her upstairs so I could change my clothes and she took me for a little walk down the hall into each of her siblings rooms looking for them . They had been with there grandparents and weren 't quite at our house yet . When they came home she was more smiles and more squeals and it definitely was such a boost of positive energy to see her acting more like her normal self . All day today she has had more energy than she has had in the past four days . It seems like when we are given a trial there are times during that trial when we seem to be drowning in the storm , times we can 't seem to get enough air and we are being pulled deeper and deeper . It is at those times when our Savior steps in and allows us a chance to breath , a break in the storm or a glimmer of hope , just enough to help keep us a float . We will cherish her sweet smiles we saw today . My mom and my sister and I just spent the day sanitizing our house . We went from room to room wiping down walls and using either clorox wipes or bleach and water to kill as many germs as possible . I am hoping to not have to do this again any time soon , ( other than the toys and books that the kids use on a regular basis ) . My hope is that I can stop the germs at the door before they come into the house ( even though I know it isn 't completely possible , but I am willing to try anything for my baby ) . My handy husband installed a coat rack in the garage just before you come into the house for the kids to keep their backpacks and coats outside . Once the kids come in they know the routine ( they take their clothes off , wash and sanitize their hands and then put on a new outfit . Each time they want to play with their baby sister they use the hand sanitizer first . Hopefully we can prevent as many trips to the children 's hospital as possible . The nurses and doctors have let us know of the seriousness of trying to prevent infection and viruses in our little girl . If she runs a fever of 100 . 3 for longer than an hour we will have to call the oncologist and they will give us instructions for what to do ( which will likely be a trip back to the hospital ) , and if her fever gets to 101 for any amount of time we are to call and they will always admit us to the hospital for antibiotic and fluid treatments for at least 48hours . It is amazing how when you have an interest in learning something you can retain lots of information in a small amount of time . Ask us almost anything about treatment of yolksac tumors and we can probably tell you about it . My husband and I will hopefully have our nursing degrees by the time we are finished with all of this . We were able to practice giving an orange a shot as well as each other . I have to say that the shot was definitely not the most painful part of the whole ordeal , I feel like I have bruises on my arm where my husband pinched up the fatty area of skin to poke the needle in . I didn 't pinch himPosted by We finished our three rounds of chemo today . I am at home and trying to get a little sleep tonight and my husband is sleeping at the hospital with our baby . I spent the last two nights at the hospital and finally decided I needed a break from everything and a chance to get a little sleep ( I think I will be more effective at the hospital and at home with my other kids if I have a few hours of sleep under my belt ) . Day one of Chemo . My daughter was given an anti nausea drug ( Anzemet ) . We noticed that our little girl was very sleep during all three treatments . Following her treatments our night nurse was getting ready to give her an anti nausea buffer drug ( ativan ) when it all began . She threw up about every 15 minutes for 3 hours . Now in case you never thought this through ( and I hadn 't ) the chemo drugs are basically poison . When it is removed from her system either by throwing up or urinating you cannot touch it with your bare skin . . . . . So , her first throw up went all over her dad and the floor and her . We ( meaning the nurse and I ) had to get gloves on and get her clothing removed and then her dad and I gave her a bath ( and no not a regular bath because , with a broviac line you cannot get the dressing that covers the tube and entry site wet ) with no rinse cleansing sponges that the hospital had . Once we bathed her twice we then redressed her and the nurse cleaned the floor up ( I tried to help , but he told me that I needed to let him do it because there are certain precautions that you must take to clean up chemo meds ) and my husband had to change into a lovely pair of hospital sweats and a t - shirt that were brought up to our room . He also had to clean his skin twice . Once everything was cleaned up all of the laundry was taken out of the room and washed not once , but yes , twice . After three hours of our sweet little girl throwing up we were able to get some of the anti nausea medicine into her system to help out . They gave her the ativan and benadryl . We were hoping that she would get really sleepy but with our lucPosted by We got a call the other night from a friend of ours . She had cancer a few years ago and regretfully I never took the chance to find out a lot about it . You hear the word cancer and it seems so scary and unknown . I think to some extent I clumped all cancers into one category and didn 't think too much about the different types of cancers there are , so I didn 't ask too much about it . My husband and I were both glad that she did so well with her treatments and seemed to be healthy . Like I said before I am so sorry that I never took the time to ask her much about it . . . . When she called she said that she had just read the blog and realized that her cancer was the same as our daughters and that she would be going through the same chemotherapy treatments . I have to admit that when my husband got off of the phone with her and told me some of the side effects our daughter would experience with the chemo drugs she would be taking I was upset and in tears . I wondered if it wouldn 't have been better to just not know what we had coming . Now I have had a few days to think this over and a some documents to read ( thanks to our friend ) and I have decided that it is so much better to know ahead of time than to not . My reasons are : first , I have less fear about the process than before , because I am informed and don 't have the fear of the unknown ahead of me . Second , I will definitely be able to be a strength for my daughter as she is experiencing her pain and discomfort . I think if I had realized what she was in for at the same time that it was happening I would have fallen apart right when she needed me the most . ( It seems with all of the knew changes in our daughters health , that I am falling apart for moments and then find strength once I have gotten the tears out of my system and then I can move on to deal with it . ) Third , I am so grateful to have someone close to us that I can call and ask for help in easing my daughters burden , someone that has experienced it first hand . So THANK YOU , THANK YOU , THANK YOU , for your willingnessPosted by The oncologist called today and let us know that the Pathology report was in : the type of Germ Cell Tumor is called a Yolk Sac Tumor . Now I don 't know a whole lot about it ( so I am sure my computer will get much use over the next couple of days ) . The oncologist answered a few questions that I had and said don 't worry too much you will have plenty of time to get all of your questions answered and become an expert on Yolk Sac Tumors . Our little girls medical plan is as follows : She will go in next Thursday and will spend 3 - 5 days in the hospital as she begins her Chemo treatments . The oncologist listed three different types of chemo medicine that they will be using . The first is cisplatin ( this is the one they will be using the most of ) the oncologist informed me that some of the side effects are problems with her kidneys and also some loss of hearing . She assured me that not everyone has problems with these but that they are the side effects they are most concerned with for our daughter . The second medicine is etoposide , the side effect of this one is problems with blood pressure and the last one ( I am not sure if I am spelling this one correctly the oncologist was difficult to hear when I asked her to spell this one and she did it twice and so I didn 't dare ask again ) bleomycin this drug can effect her lungs ( they said they are not to worried about this one because they will not be using very much of this drug ) . Of course with all chemo medications there will be the nausea , vomiting and possible blood transfusions . After her stay in the hospital she will spend 3 weeks at home and then repeat the process 3 more times ( a total of 4 rounds of this treatment process ) . It feels nice to finally know the plan and what we have ahead of us for the next while . I said to my mom the other day " I am tired of get bad news every time we get answers it seems like it is more bad news . " I think I keep hoping that they will call and say it is not cancer and wow what a miracle , but that doesn 't seem to happen . Although now that I tPosted by So in my last blog I typed that the treatment might effect her vision , but I meant hearing so I went back and corrected it . Her vision should be fine , it is her hearing they want to track . I guess that is all part of having too much information all at the same time . Funny thing is I was typing my information up from the paper that I took notes on while the Oncologist was talking with me , and yes my notes say hearing ! ! ! ! ! So we had the opportunity to meet with our Home Health Care Nurse . She seems to be very knowledgeable . I was surprised when she brought in a box full of medical items all for our little girl . I couldn 't believe everything that she pulled out of it ( it reminded me of Mary Poppins bag ) she just kept bringing more and more out of it and I couldn 't believe that all of it fit inside that box . So we are headed for an extreme lifestyle change . I am not one to stay at home very many days of the week . As our little one begins her treatments we will be spending all of our time at home with her ( either her dad or I will have to be here ) or at the hospital . We enjoy a clean house , but were told that there is more that we must do to protect or baby from being introduced to other types of germs that could put her life at risk . I am about to look online and see if I can purchase any of the hospital 's moisturizing hand sanitizer ( it must be better than regular store bought brand ) . I was told to keep some at every sink in my house as well as in every car and in her diaper bag . My other children must come in and wash their hands then sanitize and change their clothing after coming home from school and church . We are to post a sign outside our house similar to the ones you see at the hospital or on the nursery doors at church warning people that have been coughing , sneezing , had a cold , diarrhea , vomiting , sore throat or been exposed to any communicable diseases within the past month to please call us instead of knocking on our door . The Nurse also explained that all those that will come in contact with her must have had a flu shot as well . Does this all seem like too much ? Well I guess that I must ask myself to what extremes will I go to prevent any other types of harm to come to my daughter that might further risk her life . I was also prepped on proper care of her Broviak line and emergency care of it also . I will be making emergency kits to put in her diaper bag , the car , upstairs in our house and also on the main floor . BasicallPosted by In life we plan out what path we will take any given day , week , or month . We decide our futures . But , sometimes our life is thrusted down a path we never planned on taking , a very unfamiliar path . We had a plan . We knew where we were headed , until two weeks ago when our plan was changed . Our sweet one year old baby girl has been diagnosed with cancer . Instead of planning our next family vacation , date night , shopping trip or even story time with the kids , we are lost in a rush of doctor 's visits , tests , hospital stays and numerous nights up on the computer searching for medical answers and sobbing in between it all . Now most of you want to know how this all happened . Well , two weeks ago our little girl was running around playing and having fun with her siblings and a few of her cousins when she needed a diaper change . To our surprise when we took off her diaper there was blood in her diaper and her bottom had blood dripping from it . We rushed her to the doctors and she was examined . Our Dr . was confused by what he saw and knew that he needed to get a second opinion from the local children 's hospital . He sent us home for the night and had us come back in the following day . After bringing her in to the Dr . again he said that he thought maybe it was a hormone reaction from being weened from breast milk , but that he wanted to be sure and set up an appointment for us to have a pelvic ultrasound at the children 's hospital . The appointment was set up for the following week . When we took her up the Dr . reading the ultra sound informed us that she had a mass in her uterus and that he would need her to come back the following day for a MRI to get a better look . He said that he thought it was either a tumor or a cluster of blood vessels . The MRI confirmed our fears that there was indeed a tumor in her uterus . The testing continued on over the next few days including a bone scan , CT scan and Eco of her heart . We also met with a team of oncologists there at the hospital . Following our meeting our daughter was scheduled for a bPosted by

Some of you that have had the chance to talk with me over the last 4 days have heard me fretting over the fact that every time I would touch my babies hair I would end up with a handful of it hanging from my fingers . I have worried about her loosing her hair from day one of finding out that she would be undergoing chemotherapy . I decided that whenever I think of a cancer patients I think of their bald head . Loosing your hair solidifies that you are sick . She has seemed so okay lately and I wasn 't ready for her to look sick yet . Well , four days ago I was doing some work on my computer and my daughter was sitting on the floor next to me playing when I realized that her hand was full of hair . At first I thought " ouch that had to hurt , why isn 't she crying " then I started running my fingers through her hair and realized that she hadn 't pulled it out , it had just come out on its own . It made me sick to my stomach to watch her pull hair out every time she touched her hair . My husband and I had talked about her loosing her hair and I decided that I was going to let her keep it as long as it still looked okay and he decided that we would shave it before it started looking gross . So we agreed that she could hang on to it for a little while . The next day when she woke up she had hair everywhere including a chunk in her crib . Throughout the day it became easier and easier to see the hair all over her and all over everything she played with . That night I kept having bad dreams about me loosing all of my hair and her loosing all of her hair and I just didn 't sleep well . In fact in the middle of the night ( I don 't think that I was completely awake ) I began praying that when we woke up she would have a large bald spot on her head and I would really have no choice but to shave it . The next morning I woke up to her choking on her own hair . Her hair was everywhere . She was in our bed and that meant that the hair was all over me and my husband , our baby and her big brother . Her dad got the vacuum out and we all got vacuumed . Her haPosted by We have appreciated so much all of the love and concern we have had from so many different people . We are really being blessed with angels all around us . " Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind . " Elder Jeffery R . Holland . We have had so many people help with our children , bring in food , offer up relief during the times that we need a break , and lend a shoulder to cry on . We can 't say thank you enough times for the wonderful support system we have around us . We have gained much strength from reading the comments on this blog ( so thank you for your love and words of wisdom ) . We have been given lots of quotes that have boosted us , but there is one in particular that stands out to me and I just can 't stop thinking about it . " Life isn 't about waiting for the storm to pass , it 's about learning to dance in the rain . " There have been so many times in my life where a trial has been thrown at me and I always seem to think " why me , why now , when is this going to be over ! " I think I could have benefited from this quote long ago . I have a tendency to wish my life away ( things will be better when , I will be happier if , etc . etc . ) I think about the road we have ahead of us and realize that I can 't ever fully say , " when things are back to normal , back to the way they were " . Things will never be back to how they were and we now have a new normal to our life , but if I keep waiting for things to be different or things to be better , I am going to miss out on a whole lot of things happening now that I can never get back ! This quote gives me a drive to find that good in now , and also look for hope in the future . This past week we truly have been dancing in the rain . It is funny how life changes when you are thrown into something like this . What used to be important is not important anymore . Our focus is our family . Enjoying our time together , creating happy and fun memories for all of our Posted by We got our daughters first blood tests results back since coming home after her chemo . There are four different specific Blood counts that they track , the Red Blood Cells ( Hematocrit and Hemoglobin ) , the White Blood Cells ( Lymphocytes , Neutrophils , Eosinophils , Basophils and Monocytes ) , the ANC ( Absolute Neutrophil Count ) and the Platelets ( clotting agent ) . Now the three that I most worry about are her Hematocrit ( the amount of red blood cells in the blood , a lack of these can make her anemic or look pale , feel tired , dizzy , headache , racing heart or shortness of breath . Healthy Hematocrit levels are 32 - 42 % if she gets down to 20 % she will need a blood transfusion . Her hematocrit came back at 33 . 2 % ( great ) . Platelets are the cells in the body that make blood clots ( she will have easy bruising , bleeding from the gums or nose , or tiny pink / purple freckle - like spots on her skin called petechia ) . Healthy platelet levels are 150 , 000 hers are at 94 , 000 , so they are low , but you don 't need a platelet transfusion until you hit 10 , 000 or lower ( so she is still good ) . ANC ( white blood cell ) is the last that I worry most about . Her absolute neutrophil count shows her ability to fight infections . A healthy ANC is 3000 - 5000 , her is at 0 that is nothing ( very bad ) . She is extremely vulnerable to infections right now . We ( her dad ) gives her a Neupogen shot every night to help her body produce white blood cells . We have to be very careful to keep her in the cleanest environment possible right now , when we are around her we keep our hands very clean and don 't allow anyone that it sick or has been exposed to sickness get around her until her levels go back up . We also need to be very careful with her temperature . If we notice her feeling warm at all we need to take her temperature . If her temperature is at 100 . 3 for longer than 1 hour or if her temperature gets to 101 . 3 for any amount of time we have to call the oncologist and they will have us head to the childrens hospital to be admitted and she will be given medicine and watchePosted by Today was a good day . We are home from the hospital . Our little girl was so excited to come home . She was squealing and smiling from ear to ear . I took her upstairs so I could change my clothes and she took me for a little walk down the hall into each of her siblings rooms looking for them . They had been with there grandparents and weren 't quite at our house yet . When they came home she was more smiles and more squeals and it definitely was such a boost of positive energy to see her acting more like her normal self . All day today she has had more energy than she has had in the past four days . It seems like when we are given a trial there are times during that trial when we seem to be drowning in the storm , times we can 't seem to get enough air and we are being pulled deeper and deeper . It is at those times when our Savior steps in and allows us a chance to breath , a break in the storm or a glimmer of hope , just enough to help keep us a float . We will cherish her sweet smiles we saw today . My mom and my sister and I just spent the day sanitizing our house . We went from room to room wiping down walls and using either clorox wipes or bleach and water to kill as many germs as possible . I am hoping to not have to do this again any time soon , ( other than the toys and books that the kids use on a regular basis ) . My hope is that I can stop the germs at the door before they come into the house ( even though I know it isn 't completely possible , but I am willing to try anything for my baby ) . My handy husband installed a coat rack in the garage just before you come into the house for the kids to keep their backpacks and coats outside . Once the kids come in they know the routine ( they take their clothes off , wash and sanitize their hands and then put on a new outfit . Each time they want to play with their baby sister they use the hand sanitizer first . Hopefully we can prevent as many trips to the children 's hospital as possible . The nurses and doctors have let us know of the seriousness of trying to prevent infection and viruses in our little girl . If she runs a fever of 100 . 3 for longer than an hour we will have to call the oncologist and they will give us instructions for what to do ( which will likely be a trip back to the hospital ) , and if her fever gets to 101 for any amount of time we are to call and they will always admit us to the hospital for antibiotic and fluid treatments for at least 48hours . It is amazing how when you have an interest in learning something you can retain lots of information in a small amount of time . Ask us almost anything about treatment of yolksac tumors and we can probably tell you about it . My husband and I will hopefully have our nursing degrees by the time we are finished with all of this . We were able to practice giving an orange a shot as well as each other . I have to say that the shot was definitely not the most painful part of the whole ordeal , I feel like I have bruises on my arm where my husband pinched up the fatty area of skin to poke the needle in . I didn 't pinch himPosted by We finished our three rounds of chemo today . I am at home and trying to get a little sleep tonight and my husband is sleeping at the hospital with our baby . I spent the last two nights at the hospital and finally decided I needed a break from everything and a chance to get a little sleep ( I think I will be more effective at the hospital and at home with my other kids if I have a few hours of sleep under my belt ) . Day one of Chemo . My daughter was given an anti nausea drug ( Anzemet ) . We noticed that our little girl was very sleep during all three treatments . Following her treatments our night nurse was getting ready to give her an anti nausea buffer drug ( ativan ) when it all began . She threw up about every 15 minutes for 3 hours . Now in case you never thought this through ( and I hadn 't ) the chemo drugs are basically poison . When it is removed from her system either by throwing up or urinating you cannot touch it with your bare skin . . . . . So , her first throw up went all over her dad and the floor and her . We ( meaning the nurse and I ) had to get gloves on and get her clothing removed and then her dad and I gave her a bath ( and no not a regular bath because , with a broviac line you cannot get the dressing that covers the tube and entry site wet ) with no rinse cleansing sponges that the hospital had . Once we bathed her twice we then redressed her and the nurse cleaned the floor up ( I tried to help , but he told me that I needed to let him do it because there are certain precautions that you must take to clean up chemo meds ) and my husband had to change into a lovely pair of hospital sweats and a t - shirt that were brought up to our room . He also had to clean his skin twice . Once everything was cleaned up all of the laundry was taken out of the room and washed not once , but yes , twice . After three hours of our sweet little girl throwing up we were able to get some of the anti nausea medicine into her system to help out . They gave her the ativan and benadryl . We were hoping that she would get really sleepy but with our lucPosted by We got a call the other night from a friend of ours . She had cancer a few years ago and regretfully I never took the chance to find out a lot about it . You hear the word cancer and it seems so scary and unknown . I think to some extent I clumped all cancers into one category and didn 't think too much about the different types of cancers there are , so I didn 't ask too much about it . My husband and I were both glad that she did so well with her treatments and seemed to be healthy . Like I said before I am so sorry that I never took the time to ask her much about it . . . . When she called she said that she had just read the blog and realized that her cancer was the same as our daughters and that she would be going through the same chemotherapy treatments . I have to admit that when my husband got off of the phone with her and told me some of the side effects our daughter would experience with the chemo drugs she would be taking I was upset and in tears . I wondered if it wouldn 't have been better to just not know what we had coming . Now I have had a few days to think this over and a some documents to read ( thanks to our friend ) and I have decided that it is so much better to know ahead of time than to not . My reasons are : first , I have less fear about the process than before , because I am informed and don 't have the fear of the unknown ahead of me . Second , I will definitely be able to be a strength for my daughter as she is experiencing her pain and discomfort . I think if I had realized what she was in for at the same time that it was happening I would have fallen apart right when she needed me the most . ( It seems with all of the knew changes in our daughters health , that I am falling apart for moments and then find strength once I have gotten the tears out of my system and then I can move on to deal with it . ) Third , I am so grateful to have someone close to us that I can call and ask for help in easing my daughters burden , someone that has experienced it first hand . So THANK YOU , THANK YOU , THANK YOU , for your willingnessPosted by The oncologist called today and let us know that the Pathology report was in : the type of Germ Cell Tumor is called a Yolk Sac Tumor . Now I don 't know a whole lot about it ( so I am sure my computer will get much use over the next couple of days ) . The oncologist answered a few questions that I had and said don 't worry too much you will have plenty of time to get all of your questions answered and become an expert on Yolk Sac Tumors . Our little girls medical plan is as follows : She will go in next Thursday and will spend 3 - 5 days in the hospital as she begins her Chemo treatments . The oncologist listed three different types of chemo medicine that they will be using . The first is cisplatin ( this is the one they will be using the most of ) the oncologist informed me that some of the side effects are problems with her kidneys and also some loss of hearing . She assured me that not everyone has problems with these but that they are the side effects they are most concerned with for our daughter . The second medicine is etoposide , the side effect of this one is problems with blood pressure and the last one ( I am not sure if I am spelling this one correctly the oncologist was difficult to hear when I asked her to spell this one and she did it twice and so I didn 't dare ask again ) bleomycin this drug can effect her lungs ( they said they are not to worried about this one because they will not be using very much of this drug ) . Of course with all chemo medications there will be the nausea , vomiting and possible blood transfusions . After her stay in the hospital she will spend 3 weeks at home and then repeat the process 3 more times ( a total of 4 rounds of this treatment process ) . It feels nice to finally know the plan and what we have ahead of us for the next while . I said to my mom the other day " I am tired of get bad news every time we get answers it seems like it is more bad news . " I think I keep hoping that they will call and say it is not cancer and wow what a miracle , but that doesn 't seem to happen . Although now that I tPosted by So in my last blog I typed that the treatment might effect her vision , but I meant hearing so I went back and corrected it . Her vision should be fine , it is her hearing they want to track . I guess that is all part of having too much information all at the same time . Funny thing is I was typing my information up from the paper that I took notes on while the Oncologist was talking with me , and yes my notes say hearing ! ! ! ! ! So we had the opportunity to meet with our Home Health Care Nurse . She seems to be very knowledgeable . I was surprised when she brought in a box full of medical items all for our little girl . I couldn 't believe everything that she pulled out of it ( it reminded me of Mary Poppins bag ) she just kept bringing more and more out of it and I couldn 't believe that all of it fit inside that box . So we are headed for an extreme lifestyle change . I am not one to stay at home very many days of the week . As our little one begins her treatments we will be spending all of our time at home with her ( either her dad or I will have to be here ) or at the hospital . We enjoy a clean house , but were told that there is more that we must do to protect or baby from being introduced to other types of germs that could put her life at risk . I am about to look online and see if I can purchase any of the hospital 's moisturizing hand sanitizer ( it must be better than regular store bought brand ) . I was told to keep some at every sink in my house as well as in every car and in her diaper bag . My other children must come in and wash their hands then sanitize and change their clothing after coming home from school and church . We are to post a sign outside our house similar to the ones you see at the hospital or on the nursery doors at church warning people that have been coughing , sneezing , had a cold , diarrhea , vomiting , sore throat or been exposed to any communicable diseases within the past month to please call us instead of knocking on our door . The Nurse also explained that all those that will come in contact with her must have had a flu shot as well . Does this all seem like too much ? Well I guess that I must ask myself to what extremes will I go to prevent any other types of harm to come to my daughter that might further risk her life . I was also prepped on proper care of her Broviak line and emergency care of it also . I will be making emergency kits to put in her diaper bag , the car , upstairs in our house and also on the main floor . BasicallPosted by In life we plan out what path we will take any given day , week , or month . We decide our futures . But , sometimes our life is thrusted down a path we never planned on taking , a very unfamiliar path . We had a plan . We knew where we were headed , until two weeks ago when our plan was changed . Our sweet one year old baby girl has been diagnosed with cancer . Instead of planning our next family vacation , date night , shopping trip or even story time with the kids , we are lost in a rush of doctor 's visits , tests , hospital stays and numerous nights up on the computer searching for medical answers and sobbing in between it all . Now most of you want to know how this all happened . Well , two weeks ago our little girl was running around playing and having fun with her siblings and a few of her cousins when she needed a diaper change . To our surprise when we took off her diaper there was blood in her diaper and her bottom had blood dripping from it . We rushed her to the doctors and she was examined . Our Dr . was confused by what he saw and knew that he needed to get a second opinion from the local children 's hospital . He sent us home for the night and had us come back in the following day . After bringing her in to the Dr . again he said that he thought maybe it was a hormone reaction from being weened from breast milk , but that he wanted to be sure and set up an appointment for us to have a pelvic ultrasound at the children 's hospital . The appointment was set up for the following week . When we took her up the Dr . reading the ultra sound informed us that she had a mass in her uterus and that he would need her to come back the following day for a MRI to get a better look . He said that he thought it was either a tumor or a cluster of blood vessels . The MRI confirmed our fears that there was indeed a tumor in her uterus . The testing continued on over the next few days including a bone scan , CT scan and Eco of her heart . We also met with a team of oncologists there at the hospital . Following our meeting our daughter was scheduled for a bPosted by

I have had Carrie come out to my house for appliance issues and she has always been super sweet . Its sad to see them have to close down . I wish your family well and keep your heads up . I am disappointed in some of the citizens of lawrence for how quickly they turn their back on your and shun the situation and them too having no more proof than the police . I am also proud of the rest of them who sympathize with your situation and are able to see through all the political crap that 's going on . Not only have they destroyed your business but your reputations and your now your family . How will you make a living as two people who have no jobs and not work history other than owning your own second hand store ? Don 't you have children going to college in the next few years ? I guess all the money you had saved up for that has been soaked up by your attorney fees and piling bills from being unable to maintain your ebay business . I sure hope you don 't end up loosing your home over this too . I 'm not sold on the whole " someone wants that corner " theory . There is an eyesore of a former gas station on one corner , a crappy convenience store on the other , YH , and another developed corner that 's mostly empty . Why not cite the crappy ex - gas station for having cars strewn all over and " take " that corner ? I 'm not saying that YH deserved this , but I truly doubt that the local cops and the postal service are doing all this because someone bribed someone to go after THAT corner so that someone could develop it into something . What 's the point of driving YH under and not go after the liquor store next door ? I 'm not buying the conspiracy theory . Well there goes another affordable place to buy stuff . These second hand shops are necessary here in Lawrence unless wages are increased and rents put on a freeze . How are people to live ? Perhaps the conspiracy ( and this is a long range site ) is to do away with lower middle class in Lawrence and keep the rich college kids and wealthy developers , etc . Eventually the developers will completly take over East Lawrence and build , densly cheap made housing and charge high rents . Isn 't this the new American way ? I just wanted to know where Marion stands on development in Lawrence . Doesn 't have anything to do with a " head in the sand , " as you assert . On this page , unless I am misinterpreting his words , he seems to oppose developing that intersection . On the other page he criticizes the city commission for slowing development . I don 't think you can make as much noise as he does and have it both ways . I know the guy who used to own Play it Again Sports . HE was constantly at odds with YH because they took stolen property and would not return it to the rightful owners or the police without a fight . Dave is a great guy and he always turned over the property to rightful owner or cops . He even caught several guys trying to pull a scam of stealing a bike , selling it and then have another guy come in and say it was his bike so they got paid and the bike back ( did not work ) For those of you that are conspiracy theorists , especially enforcer and marion ( I 'm not convinced " enforcer " isn 't Sarah Swain ) , the fact it 's been eight months and no charges doesn 't mean squat . Not only do these types of investigations take time to gather sufficient evidence to convince a jury ( comprised in part of liberal nut jobs like some of you ) but it takes prosecutors additional time to prepare the case prior to actually charging . In this case , I 'm confident the Feds will be prosecuting these two . I 'm sure indictments are around the corner . I 'm sure that no matter the evidence some of you will continue to blame the LPD because that 's what you do regardless . By the way , did any of you see the marijuana plant the LPD carried out of their house during the last search warrant , it was on channel six , hmmmm . I wonder if the LPD fabricated that crime too . jafs : It just so happens that guy and carrie had paperwork on every transaction made in their shop . When an item was brought in to be sold , the individual had to sign a document saying that the item belonged to them and that it was not stolen . They also had to show id and give there personall information . These forms were then turned over to the LPD every monthy at the end of the month . What more could they have done ? ? ? ? ? Similar to a parent saying you can 't take other kids stuff and sell it to your friend and keep the money . Hey I hated my parents when they pointed out I was bad , but I later realized I WAS WRONG . . . NOT MY PARENT FOR POINTING IT OUT . I 'll take you 're work that " enforcer " isn 't sarah swain ( YH 's lawyer ) . Second , the only thing that drove YH out of business was YH . They couldn 't do it without fencing and now that their fencing operation has been exposed they are done . Third , I 'm not one of the " moaners " regarding legalization of marijuana . I am opposed to leagalization . Be ready to be " suprised " when they get indicted . Mark my words , it 's going to happen . Not that I have any personal knowledge of how the LPD knew what was going on , but chances are they do pay close attention to 2nd hand stores and pawn shops since a ton of stolen property usually turns up at these places . Once they suspected some monkey business at YH I 'm sure they used an informant and / or an undercover office to go in and " sell " some stuff and it 's all on tape . LPD is not dumb , in fact , that is a pretty sharp department ( no , I 'm not a cop , never was , never will be ) . The Neighbors know they 're toast , that 's why they 're getting out . They 're just hoping some of you might feel sorry for them at least up until the truth comes out . I wouldn 't attach myself to their plight because in the end , you 'll look as stupid as they do criminal . Guy does have a work record . He used to work with my husband . He was very well liked and as far as I know had a good work record . Good luck Guy . Hope everything works out for you . I have considered selling stuff on e - bay . I called the state and they told me we did not have to pay sales tax on e - bay sales . I 'm sure you have to report it as income on federal income tax . If they want to develop the corner of 19th and Mass why not the other corners where there is not crap , why not shut down the gas station or the car lot hunk of crap sitting on the other corner . Quit scaring people with your made up conspiracy theories . Thanks No , I 'm not saying shut down . I just think that too many " car " places get away with clutter . They should be required to keep their cars inside , or put up a decent fence so that people don 't have to look at it all . I have a relative who runs a very professional car shop . He does a brisk business , but has very few cars outside , and when he does , they don 't stay around for long . I used to live near Wendland Performance . Those guys are the worst when it comes to this . If someone is going to be in that sort of business , they need to have sufficient facilities to do what they are trying to do without making an area look like an impound lot . However , the " free market " that so many of you espouse , is what did these people in . Yes , I feel bad for them , but only because no charges have been filed . If they are indicted later , so be it . I know you 're a frequent flyer in here which makes me wonder what you actually do for a living . That aside , you come up with some wild crap and I 'm being nice . You must read a lot of science fiction and probably have the entire CSI collection . With that being said , it 's obvious , at least to me , you know very little about the judicial system other than what your " judge " friend has told you . I do question whether or not your friend is or ever was a judge , at least a district judge . Perhaps he was a " judge " at last years county fair smash ' em up derby . My advise to you , put your pants back on , get some kind of job , and stop talking stupid . As for the article on this business being published before any arrests were made . I am sure the YH people complained to the press which in turn did a story . I guess trying to garner some sort of sympathy or something . I 'm sure the LPD said , " hey it 's a little slow today , lets go pick on a business " . More than likely people started finding their stolen items in the YH store and reported it to the LPD and thats how that whole investigation probably got started . And it takes several months to gather information , paperwork , interviews , search warrants , etc to get done before arrests are made . I mean you might as well arrest them for all the charges at once . There is probably a statute of limitations on the length of time they can be prosicuted for there crimes and if they were arrested at the time the first stolen items were recovered they probably wouldn 't be able to prosicute them later when other charges come up . I am not a lawyer or a police officer , this is just a guess . But it makes sense . Marion sounds like he knows what he is talking about to me . Maybe some of you feel threatened by his intelligence . I agree with you Marion . The best way to take someone down is through the system rather than using physical force . I learned that years ago through personal experience . Someone wants Yellow House gone and they used the system to do it . Sounds like the rest of you should open your eyes and ears . " it 's too bad that a family who has lived here for years has been treated this way " ? will you be saying that when they are indicted and subsequently convicted of fencing stolen property ? Places like the YH give drug addicts and theives a place to stolen property . Not only things stolen from stores , but things taken from people like me and maybe you . Without places like the YH , it makes it more difficult to peddle stolen property . No , it won 't stop , sure they 're will be another " YH " but that doesn 't mean you don 't shut them down when you can . Some of you are so niave and forgiving . Until some crack head breaks into your house or your car and takes your stuff , then you 'll want the LPD scouring the earth to find the bad guy and then want the courts to string him / her up . Marion , now I 'm convinced you 're a nut job . You sound like a complete lunatic to me . I 'm not trying to p * * * you off but I 'm really not too worried about your idle threats . You sound like a lonely and pathetic person who trys to gain some self - esteem by hiding behind your keyboard and espousing your crazy jibberish . Good luck with that who ever you are mysterious one . Who would be unaffected by a smoking ban ? A DUCK ! And what do ducks do ? THEY FLOAT ! So , logically , if we tie up Marion and throw Marion in a lake . . . I 'm simply curious . That 's all . I wonder what you do . You 've done a number of things in the past , so I wonder what you do now . As for YH , I neither know the people personally nor have I ever had any dealings with the business . What I do know is the perception being formed from the media attention is painting this as a case of harassement . Whether or not that is the reality doesn 't really matter right now . YH and the LPD are being judged in the court of public opinion and so far YH seems to be winning out . Maybe things will change when more substantial information comes forward , but as of now , the owners are winning out in my book too . But that 's the funny thing about perception , it can outweigh reality sometimes . If a person was to open a pawn type shop , how are they to know whether an item that someone brings in belongs , belonged to that person or if it was stolen ? How can you really tell these days ? Serial numbers yes , but it it seems it would truely be hard to determine without an updated daily list from the police station . Marion has been quiet . His auction on Treo 650s must be coming to a close . He 'll be back as soon as all the reserves are met . Everyone needs to leave Marion alone . And how does anyone know Marion Lynn is a guy . . . Could be a girls name . Regardless , their identity should remain anonymous like everyone else ! I have met Marion and hes a nice man . He has his thoughts about things as we do . To me he knows alot about what goes on here in Lawrence . How are the pups holding up in the heat ? My cat seems to want to be outside alot . Maybe thats what cats like = heat . Hes inside right now because I picked up his butt and made him come in . . . . . . . . . LOL Why does this obscenity surprize anyone ? Marion is right , the cops in Lawrence are out of control . I have lived here for over 30 years and I have not seen such vicious behavior anywhere else , ever . I have personally tried to get some resolution to problems with this police force , letters to congressmen , state representatives , others that should be in a position to do something . But the only response I receive is that the local city commission has responsibility for the police department . Right ! ! I contacted each member of the commission , got several responses from two commissioners , but no resolution . They simply will not face up to the glaring fact that the LPD is out of control , the police chief is embattled and entrenched in his glassed - in office behind the " Ronald Olin PHd " sign and is an incompetant and indifferent occupant of a position of public interest . With a city governing body that refuses to face facts , reality and intensly bad behavior , the city is largely at risk from this band of thugs who have unbridaled reign over citizens , thugs that Marion rightly characterizes as out to make a bust , not matter what . They got away with murder several years ago . But Ron Olin still reigns . They violate citizens rights , but Ron Olin still reigns . They have ruined a local business without any sufficient evidence to bring any charges of their specious notions . And yet , Ron Olin reigns . How much longer are the citizens of this otherwise great city going to put up with a toothless comission and city manager that lets this sort of disgusting situation exist . You are the voters . You decide , if you care . IP , One way to tell if property is stolen is how much the seller accepts for certain items . Example if a person accepts a very small amount of money for an expensive item , or if items are brought in unopened packages , or if one person continues to bring in numerous items on a regular basis . If you are in the business you get a good or bad feeling about people . Trust me I have been in the trade a long time . Would that prevent me from calling you out if I was a cop ? I am sure if you had any evidence you wouldn 't refrain from naming a dirty cop . So the only logical thing to assume is you are making things up . Enforcer , yeah we are all cops here . Everyone of us posters who disagree with your knocking on police . Yeah even when you go to the grocery store those are cops posing as clerks so they can watch you . Dude , get a life . Marion . Thank you for answering my question . I was just wandering what your thoughts were on the ethical officers . However , I disagree that every one of them are out to bust someone . But thats cool too . Some officers are bad but most I believe here are good . And to add some fuel to the fire - - - I don 't think it is normal police procedure ( even LPD ) to notify the press ( who the LPD does NOT like and get along with ) when they are conducting an investigation or a search warrant . Guess who stirred the media up in this case ? ? ? ? Ya , the Neighbors . Search warrants are served quite often in this town and it doesn 't seem the media is there ( even at other pawn shops ) . All you posters that whine about the cops are probably the first ones calling 911 for help . I have no opinion if the YH people are guilty or not , but the fact that they lied isn 't helping me feel sorry for them . If they lied once they will again . Maybe the people who found their stolen items at YH are climbing all over the LPD to do something about the situation . Think about it , if you found your neighbor with your stuff that was just stolen , you sure would be wanting to press full charges against that person / s and would want your stuff back . That could be the case here , and once the LPD starting looking into it found alot more going on than just a few stereos and lawnmowers . Maybe once the initial report was turned in , the KBI saw it and decided they wanted it stepped up a notch . I am thinking since so many other agencys are getting involved that something HAS to be going on that is questionable . Do you think that the KBI or the USPS are targeting the YH ? If so , for what reason ? Things to think about . My mom hit the back of a truck yesterday and was sited for ordinance 104 ( basically not paying close attention ) . The thing is this . . . . . . . This guy made a sudden stop to let out his passenger in the middle of 8th St after making a left off of N . H . I know the law states that when you hit someone from behind you are in the wrong . The officer who took the report ( I won 't mention his name ) told my mom that letting a person off anywhere in the street is legal . To me that sounds a bit strange , and also wouldn 't be very safe . Anyone in here think that maybe this officer is wrong , and where can I get info to see if he is right ? IP - I think your son 's deal is a " situational " thing that isn 't covered by the strict letter of the law . I think if he goes to court and explains the situation to the judge ( don 't neccessarily need a lawyer and big bucks ) it would be worth it to have a third party decide it . Just takes time out of you and your son 's day , but might get some relief . This is assuming it was a city ticket , not a district court thing . Regina - Yes you are correct , the media does have scanners and show up a lot of places they are not invited to . BUT , most police departments do not radio where they are serving a warrant ( they telephone the dispatch ) and how does Channel 5 manage to get there ? ? ? I think there were probably some calls made by somebody . OH I totally agree dthroat ! I 'm sure the YH people called there " laywer " and she called the media to show the " unfair , and harassing " treatment her clients were getting from law enforcement . I thought it was quite humorous as they are whining about being innocent and lawful citizens , here comes the pot plants and the equipment to grow them , didn 't expect that did ya ? I 'm sure the look on their faces was priceless , on live TV and all . It was my mom who hit this guys Tundra . This guy actually got out of the passenger side and yelled at my mom for hitting his truck . Apparently hes the owner but wasn 't the one driving . I did call last night and spoke with the desk sarg . He was no help and he said he couldn 't give me an answer . He basically didn 't know . He said to go to court and talk to the judge about it . And you would think that he would have been nice enough to pull over a bit futher ( using his blinker , then his flashers ) to let his passenger out . I bet my mom is not the only one who has hit someone this way either . Sorry IP . Should read twice and post once . By all means have her appear and see what happens . Calling sometimes works , but one is not going to outguess the other ( just in case someone is taping the conversation ) . Oh , my bad , I didn 't know that part . Well the light sure is shining brighter by the minute on this investigation . Thanks for the info . My mom isnt trying to get out of anything . I just wanted to know if what the officer said is true . What he says just sounds strange . Would you just stop all of sudden without using any type of signal to let out a passenger on any given street ? Geez you two . . . . . . . . . . lay off . OTTR . . . . . . . . . Read above . . . . . . . . Sanders . . . . . . . . You are new to this board I believe . You have no idea what goes on in my family . My son who was hit by a drunk this past Dec surely didn 't deserve it . No three paragraph response needed here . IP , regardless of what someone tells you on the phone she won 't get out of the ticket without either waiting and going to court , or going to the DA 's office . Chances are the DA 's office will tell her to wait and see what the judge says , but I think they will sometimes make an agreement to waive the ticket but assess court costs . That effectively keeps the ticket off the insurance radar . Well thank you Conservative for being so nice . I know and she knows that when hitting someone from behind you are in the wrong . I will call Mr . Little today and ask him about the stop issue with using your blinker or flashers . She plans on paying the ticket so thats all good . If it is true that YH maintained sufficient records , then how is this whole thing even possible ? And , I was primarily concerned with whether there are legal requirements for businesses . If there are , and YH complied with them , then ( other than the pot thing ) , it seems to me that the police would have no justification for charging them with anything . With YH being a resale shop and not a pawn shop , they did not have to have everyone fill out the paperwork that they did . However they chose to do so . The LPD should be ashamed of what they did to this family . The LPD is a bunch of worthless , corrupt , human beings . I have lost all respect for the entire department after seeing the way that YH was treated . You say they are all " a bunch of worthless , corrupt , human beings " ; but what do you call the Postal inspector 's office , who also participated in the same investigation ? Also , by coincidence , worthless and corrupt ? Do you see how shortsighted your perspective is ? The majority of your 14 posts are about cops and YH . You clearly have issues with the cops , but to call the whole organization the names you called them is low . If someone crawled through your bedroom window tonight , you 'd be treating the cops like heros as they removed the burglar from your house . Admit it : you and I would be screwed if someone wasn 't taking the risks that these " worthless , corrupt " men and women are taking on YOUR behalf every day . I looked up the records of lawrence . Last year 760 stolen items were recovered in lawrence . 8 of those items came from the Yellow House . The rest came from Pawn shops , other second hand stores , etc . Those numbers make really poor odds that your stolen items will be found at the Yellow HOuse . How different is yellow house from a pan ship . Yet the police allow pawn shops and check cashing businesses stay in business . Granted , they are charged with enforcing laws , not ethics , but seriously - if they document the purchases , what is the difference ? 1983 : bought a washer / dryer set from them at the actual Yellow House that was out south on Iowa . Only $ 100 for the avocado set . . . and young Carrie moved them into our house all by herself . She tore the linoleum . Her daughter , about 1 or 2 years old . . . was sweet . . . but while Carrie was wrestling with the appliances , the little girl picked up a dead , dried slug from our patio . . . and ate it , like a french fry , before I could stop her . I just couldn 't bear to tell her ma . 1995 : bought first of FIVE FRIDGES from them . Each ranged in price from only $ 125 to $ 250 . Each one . . . the compressor blew within months . Each time I went back . Carrie 'd " give me a deal " on another one . I was moving them into my house by myself with a handtruck . Finally , I took # 5 back to her , as I did with all of them . I bought # 6 brand - new from Sears , and gave Sears $ 100 a month for a year , instead . It works fine . . . to this day . 2000 : Moved into a different place , bought brand - new fridge , cookstove , and washer and dryer , from Sears . Sears had a deal then that whatever I bought would be delivered free , instead of the usual $ 40 per item . Well guess who shows up to deliver ? THE YELLOW HOUSE TRUCK ! Driven by two slacker - dudes , about 18 , who obviously thought they really cool . Anyway . . . They did put the washer and dryer into the laundry room ( main floor level ) , uncrated , but they didn 't hook them up , or plug them in or put the silver exhaust tubing onto the dryer , and they didn 't leave the right plug - in for the dryer . When I asked about it , they said " you 're not even supposed to get one . " I found out later , that I was supposed to get one . . . and I had told the Sears saleswoman what I needed , and she had written it down , and sent the right one with them . They left the boxes and plastic strappings from the washer and dryer crates in my living room . When I asked them if they could take those back , they said " we 're not allowed to . " Sears said later that they should have taken them back to Sears , where Sears could have crushed and dumpstered them . They put my nice fancy fridge , still crated , in my barn , without even asking or telling me . When I said " where 's the fridge " they said , as they were trying to leave , " it was too dangerous for us to take it into the house . " I said " how am I gonna ever get it into the house , if you guys can 't ? " They smirked and said " Sorry . " I said " take it back then , if it can 't go in the house , I 'm not buyin ' it . " They looked nervous . I said " would you mind if I called your boss ? " They said " No , go ahead . " I did . . . and about 45 minutes later , Mr . Neighbors came out . . . he was very nice , and apologetic to me . He took one look at the crate in the barn . . . and at the path the fridge needed to take to get into my kitchen . . . and he rolled his eyes . . . and ALL BY HIMSELF . . . . he put the fridge onto his dolly and he wheeled it easily into the kitchen . NO STAIRS . ONE LEVEL . NO BIG DEAL . So anyway . All these years . . . did I have back luck with them ? Did I remind them of someone they didn 't like ? I was always really nice to them . . . I tried to buy local . . . I never argued with their prices or guarantees . . . but every time I ever went into their store . . . Carrie was just rude to me . . . never smiled . . . didn 't like to answer questions . . . always seemed really stressed out . What happens if your home or car was burgarlized ? Somebody was hurt or killed by another due to a crime or accident . Your not going to seek justice or any kind of legal alternative ? They can only sell cars on Ebay because they do not have a car lot . They can legally sell both their own cars and also list cars for other people . However the police had them suspended with no proof of wrong doing or charges 8 months ago . Leaving them with no way to sell their cars ! bizarre - Do you really think a large organization like E - Bay will pull someone 's license on the LPD 's whim . I am certain they have had to deal with this type of situation before and do not just react because a LE asks them to . And I am sure LE will give them more info than is posted in the LJW . Regina - As I am sure you know , enforcer is one of those people who make the LE job even tougher . Crime happens ( even to them ) and they won 't talk about it because of an irrational fear of the police . BUT they are the first to bitch when things don 't get solved quickly . dthroat . . . . bizzare is right . . . ebay did kick them off and their family off . . . if this goes to court , I imagine that a sopena will be sent to ebay to find out exactly what was told to them . There are suspecions that LPD told ebay the YH was under federal investigation and that was long before the postal inspector or feds were involved . Sounds similar to the allegations that the LPD told the people they detained that they were FBI . I guess time will tell . Enforcer - I really hate to say anything to encourge you , but you actually did the RIGHT thing . Maybe it wasn 't handled correctly at first , but that is not your fault . You helped out a neighbor . Good Work . And by the way because of you , the proper people were identified .

My brother came down to visit the family and to also attend at swing dance event happening in town this past weekend . The dance and classes were being held at a local university about 20 minutes away from my house . I figured I could drive him back and forth to the university to help him out so he didn 't have to rent a car or take public transportation . My sister , who is our live in Nanny , also had some things going on this weekend . She doesn 't drive my car yet because she is still unfamiliar with the city and doesn 't really do parallel parking . And I had errands to run and some of my own things going on . I 'm sure this is not the case , but I certainly feel like I spent most of my weekend in the car . I definitely have the route to this university memorized even though I 'll probably never go back . There was one day where I had to get one person to one thing very early so the other could be on - time and then pick someone up late so the other person could be picked up at the right time . I felt like I needed some sort of colored coded spreadsheet . Is this what a soccer mom feels like ? When Baby Em gets older and starts all her activities I may need to take a class in Scheduling or Time Management or something . Luckily the idea of carpooling has been around forever so I 'm sure that will help out . But until then I think I did pretty well on my trial run as Soccer Mom extraordinaire . Remember when vacation meant sleeping in late , relaxing , and was stress free . Well add a baby to the mix and you can forget all those things - - at least in my case . Earlier this month Baby Em and I traveled to Minnesota to visit family . This trip was just the girls . Dad stayed home . I figured I could handle it all by myself because I would have tons of family support . And I did but to a certain degree . Everyone wanted to hold Baby Em when she was in a good mood and everyone wanted to play with her when she was smiling . However , when it came to fussy times or changing time or sleeping time it was all me . Just me . No Dad to help out . It was tiring ! Super props to all the single Moms who do this everyday . I was having trouble with just a week - - not sure how you ladies do it . Baby Em did pretty well on the trip . She was very flexible with all the traveling , all the attention , and different sleeping arrangements ( of course until we got back home but I 'll save that for another post ) . We discovered her new love for water . I took her swimming and she just thought it was the greatest thing . The pool would just calm her down in an instant . It was also great to see her with all the family , especially my grandmother . Baby Em 's middle name is her great - grandmother 's first name so they have a very special connection . All the cousins were so fascinated by her but were all a little hesitant to hold her . They warmed up quickly though . Despite not being very restful , the vacation was a lot of fun . It 's these moments that make working during the week not so horrible . We want Baby Em to have the opportunity to meet and know her family , take adventures , and have family fun . I hope I 'm helping make that possible for her . Two weeks ago Baby Em and I ( + Aunt M ) flew to Minnesota to visit our family . It was my grandmother 's 75th birthday and she really wanted Baby Em to be in attendance . I 'll have more on the vacation in a later post but first , I need to start out by saying Thank Goodness ! ! ! for Southwest and their two bags fly free because packing for a week long trip with a baby requires a lot of stuff . Baby Em 's stuff was packed into the large suitcase while I took the smaller one . There was also a car seat , a stroller and a diaper bag . Forget about my personal carry on - - it was all about Baby Em . Luckily , Grandma was able to borrow a Pack - N - Play so ours didn 't have to make the trip . Baby Em has proven to be a very good traveler , whether in the car or on a plane ( haven 't done a train yet ) . I think she takes after her Dad in that respect . As soon as we get on the plane Baby Em falls asleep . Her Dad does the same thing . He can sleep anywhere . To help keep her asleep on each leg of the trip , I wrapped Baby Em in the Moby ( cradle hold ) . She wanted to come out on the leg to MN so I spent the whole flight just holding her in my arms . On the way home she was sound asleep by the time we got on the plane and stayed that way while everyone was boarding . Right before take off I was told by a flight attendant that this carrier wasn 't a FAA approved safety device and I needed to take Baby Em out . I think I gave her a look of disgust because she said " Don 't shoot the messenger . I 'm just following regulations . " I told her that hopefully regulations require her to rock Baby Em back to sleep after she wakes up - - sort of - - Isaid it under my breath but I was very annoyed . Apparently , according to the flight attendant , carrying Baby Em in that matter would inflict more harm on the baby than just having her in my lap during an on - flight incident - - like having to stop suddenly or strong turbulence . I still didn 't understand her explanation because my thinking is that having Baby Em close to me would provide more security than just holding her on the lap . WhaPosted by So I mentioned in a previous post that my little family was planning on attending a baby wearing workshop . We did go . It was informative but we didn 't try on any of the carriers . Baby Em was a perfect little angel through information portion of the workshop . She even let one of the speakers use her as a model without any fuss . But as soon as Daddy and I tried to wear her in the different carriers she started screaming . She didn 't want to feed or sleep . Baby Em just could not be comforted . So we left . I was disappointed because I thought that being able to wear the different types of carriers would help with my decision of which one to buy . Each carrier costs just enough that I 'm not in a position to buy one , try it for awhile , and then buy something different if I don 't like it . So I had to do some more research and then hope for the best ( the plus side of having to pump in my office is I can use this time to do all my " baby stuff " research ) . I already own the Moby and it 's been working great . It 's been very helpful when I 've needed to be hands free and Baby Em wanted to be held . However , as she gets heavier the material starts to sag and she doesn 't seem as comfortable in the cradle hold , which I use a lot because it allows her to fall asleep when we are out and about . Baby Em also loves to face out when being carried so she can see everything . However , the only carriers I have found that allow you to do that , like the Baby Bjorn or the Snugli , hurt my back every time I wear them . So I needed something with more support . I 've heard great things about the Ergo and the Beco and know many people using them . They don 't have a forward facing option ( yet ) but these were still the carriers that I was leaning towards . During my research I 've discovered that the Beco has a new version of their carrier that has yet to be released . This newer version will allow you to carry your baby forward facing and is a carrier that , if you like it , you can use with your baby through their toddler years . I 'm hoping that it will be releaPosted by " Got Breast milk ? " asks Baby Em . There was no doubt in my mind that when I was pregnant with Baby Em I would breastfeed after she was born . The first few weeks were a struggle because of sore nipples , latching issues , and other things . There were times when I wanted to give up but thanks to the support of my husband and others I continued , knowing that it was the best thing for her . One thing that was never a problem was supply . There was plenty of milk - - sometimes even too much milk . I had a freezer full of breast milk that I had pumped before going back to work . Because of this abundant supply I thought that the decision to pump while at work would be super easy . Of course I would be able to produce enough milk for Baby Em to have for the following day . Of course I would never run out or have to formula feed because there was a huge stockpile of breast milk in the freezer for emergencies . Of course I was wrong . In the first week I learned that even if I have a super awesome pumping machine it will still not be able to get as much milk as my baby . I learned that even with a schedule it 's hard to always follow and sometimes a pumping session gets pushed back or even missed . I learned that smelling a baby blanket or looking at pictures will help me produce more milk - - not a lot more but more and every drop helps . The list goes on and on and on . It 's safe to say that I learned A LOT about pumping in the first week back at work . Baby Em has been fed formula and survived . It 's not what I wanted to do but I couldn 't let her starve . I did have extreme guilt for awhile for not being able to supply all of my baby 's food but we 've made do and I 've learned not to be so hard on myself ( at least for this issue ) . When I 'm with her I try to feed her myself as much as I can . I feel it helps to strengthen our bond and it helps with supply . I hope to continue breastfeeding Baby Em as long as it feels right / works for both of us . So until that endtime occurs it 's Moo Time for Mommy . Baby Em has a great ability to be all cute and cuddly one minute and the next to turn into a total terror . This weekend was no exception except that the time between the mood changes was about a day . On Saturday , my little family and I decided to venture out and attend Artscape . We weren 't sure how long we would last because of the ridiculously hot day but we thought it would still be nice to get out of the house for a bit . Because we were taking the bus I decided that I would wrap Baby Em up in the Moby . I wrapped her in the cradle hold because I was hoping that she would nap . Other than both us getting a little sweaty , the Moby experience went great . I was surprised at how little Baby Em fussed when she was put in it and how long she slept while wrapped up . For the first few minutes she just kind of sat there like she was trying to figure out was going on . Pretty soon she was lulled to sleep either by my walking or maybe the motion of the bus . I felt really comfortable carrying Baby Em in the Moby . I would guess that she is close 14lbs now and she did not feel too heavy and my back didn 't hurt . We ended up being out for about 4 hours - - door to door - - and Baby Em did not fuss at all . When she woke up from her first nap she was happy and all smiles . We put her in her stroller for awhile so she could look around and I could cool off . One thing about the Moby is that you do get hot and having my little furnace so close to me doesn 't help either . We saw some cool things and had a great time out of the house . When it was time to get back on the bus Baby Em went right back in the Moby and was content . I don 't remember too much about the rest of the day which probably means the rest of the day went pretty well too . Sunday was a totally different Baby Em . We had some friends in town who spent Saturday night at our place . After we were all awake we decided to play a game . It was going well until it was time to get Baby Em to nap . Baby Em does not like to nap . She fights her tiredness and wants to stay awake which then makePosted by Baby Em has a very particular day schedule . It 's not one that this Mommy likes very much but I 'm working through it ( and so is her Nanny ) . I feel like it 's worse on the weekends but maybe the Nanny can tolerate it more than I can and so she doesn 't think Baby Em is that fussy . Anyways , Baby Em usually starts her day around 9am ( I 'm not counting the other couple of times she wakes up for feeding in the wee hours of the morning ) . At this time she feeds , usually for about 15 minutes . Then it 's play time which lasts between 30 to 45 minutes . Then it 's nap time but nap time is never easy . As soon as she has been awake for 45 minutes to an hour she gets really fussy , will fight with you and eventually falls asleep - - in your arms . Once I have her to sleep she must stay there because as soon as I try to put her down to go to sleep she immediately wakes up . Now a lot of people will tell me that I must have coddled her from birth and that is why she can 't get to sleep anywhere but in someones arms . However , this is not the case , I was very good about getting her to sleep in her bassinet , in her swing and her bouncy seat . This is just something that has started in the last month - - somewhere around 11 weeks . So once she is asleep she stays asleep for 40 to 50 minutes and the whole thing starts all over again and repeats itself until bedtime which is around 8 : 30 . I recently posted my story on a baby blog site and got some great advice which I hope to try next week . The first thing I 'll be trying is upping Baby Em 's breast milk intake . Currently she is eating 4 oz every two hours or so . I 'm going to try to up her feedings to 5 oz . We 'll see how it goes . It could just mean a lot more spit up but if she does take it maybe she 'll feel more satisfied and go longer between feedings . I can 't start earlier because I don 't have a great breast milk supply and so I 'm hoping this weekend to add in a couple of extra pumping sessions to help increase that . Hopefully this will work . Otherwise the second thing I 'll try is putting Baby Em to bed sPosted by Another reason why you should breastfeed . . . . you can defer Jury Duty until your baby is 12 months old ( at least in the State of MD ) . I received my summons yesterday , called the Disability number - - no I don 't think breastfeeding is a disability , but it told people who are disabled to call if they would need reasonable accommodations . I thought I should receive similar accommodations such as a private room , time to pump , etc . When I mentioned my needs and why I needed them , I was told no need to appear on my summons day . I just need to fax in the birth certificate and I can 't be summoned until sometime next April . This past weekend my husband and I each had Monday off to celebrate the 4th of July . We decided to drive up to Providence , RI from Baltimore , MD to visit some friends . We brought Baby Em along with us . She had been on road trips before ; a driving one to OH and a flying to one MA . Both were taken when she was just over a month old and she proved to be a good traveler - - she mostly just slept during both of those trips . Now that she was a little older we were worried that this drive would be a LONG one . We were gladly proven wrong . Even though there were a few fussy moments it was nothing that a quick climb over the center console to the back seat couldn 't fix . It was a great weekend up North and we had fun visiting our friends but our big take away from this weekend is all the lessons learned . 1st Lesson : Even your baby will hate driving through ConnecticutSurprisingly the driving on I95 was not too bad for most of the trip . Maybe it 's because we got an early start ( left the house at 6 : 30 am ) or because everyone decided to drive on Friday instead of Saturday . Whatever the reason it didn 't matter once we entered CT . This state is the worst . It doesn 't matter what day it is or what time it is there will always be traffic in CT . Baby Em has learned that being stuck in traffic is no fun and she wanted Mom & Dad to know this too . She spent most of the ride through CT just crying . I tried feeding her a bottle , I sang songs to her , I tried telling her stories , I tried everything . All I wanted to do was take her out of her car seat and rock her back to sleep . The next drive through that state I might just have to do that . 2nd Lesson : Even minor league games sell out ( especially when there are fireworks ) One of the friends we were visiting bought a bunch of Pawtucket Red Sox tickets . Prior to buying them he asked if Baby Em would be okay at a game . She had already attended her first baseball game ( an O 's game ) weeks ago and did fine so we thought it wouldn 't be a problem . Well , if you factor in 90 + degree heat , the fact that we Posted by 5 hours , 15 minutes and 23 , 22 , 21 , seconds remaining until it is the weekend for me . I 'm sure lots of people have started similar countdowns today . It 's Friday . It 's a long weekend . It 's the weekend of the 4th of July , so everyone wants to get out of the office , start the grills , grab a cold beer , and relax . Though , for me the weekend isn 't just about the holiday or the traveling to visit friends or the fireworks . For me , the weekend means I get to spend lots of time with Baby Em again . You see this is my first week back to work after 12 wonderful weeks of maternity leave with Baby Em . Yes , I am one of those mothers that made the tough decision to go back to work after having a baby . Reasons for doing so you ask ? Well , part of it was for the extra income , part of it was because I needed to be able to do something everyday , part of it was because I wanted to have adult interactions again , and part of it , well , there are a million different parts to my reason for choosing to go back . But on the flip side there were also a million different parts for wanting to stay home with Baby Em all day too . Parts like Baby Em is the most adorable baby there is ( not biased or anything ) , Baby Em is just starting to coo and talk , Baby Em has the cutest smile , who likes work anyways , we can make things work on one salary ( maybe ) and the list goes on and on . However , in the end , work won out ( for now ) . So how was the first week ? It mostly went as expected . I was a little overwhelmed during the first few days of the week . When you 're gone for 12 weeks there is a lot of catching up to do . There are emails and phone calls to return , you need to learn all about the company changes ( if there any ) , you need to answer a million questions about your baby ( these are questions I don 't mind answering ) , and in general just get into that work routine again , which is extremely different than the Mommy routine . I also had the added stress of having to reorganize my office . My department moved suites while I was on leave so I returned to find everyPosted by

I 'm disappointed in Craig Ferguson . While I 've praised him and enjoyed his show in the past , the magic has worn off . The biggest reason : his interviews . When a guest sits down , Ferguson picks up a blue card - - like the ones all other talk show hosts have in front of them , ostensibly full of questions for the guest - - and rips it up , tossing the pieces onto the floor behind him . It 's his way of saying , " I don 't do interviews like everyone else . We 're just going to have a conversation . " That 's all well and good , but a conversation has to start somewhere , and far too often Ferguson has nowhere to start or , if he does , nowhere to proceed to . Take a couple of nights ago , when Ferguson 's guest was Michael Caine . Here you have a screen legend who has just published his autobiography , " The Elephant To Hollywood . " Caine is a great storyteller with a remarkable career . There are so many interesting avenues to explore that my only frustration with having him as a guest would be that there would never be enough time to ask him all the things I want to hear him talk about . Unfortunately , Ferguson punted the opportunity , and it was entirely his fault . On most of these shows , guests are pre - interviewed by a producer who compiles a list of questions or simple bullet points so the host can guide the guest into those areas of conversation . But it 's also incumbent upon the host to have spent some time thinking about what they want to get out of the guest . Without the pre - interview , that burden falls even more heavily on the host . In the case of the Caine interview , it was clear Ferguson hadn 't prepared anything and hadn 't bothered to even skim through the book . In fact , twice in the segment , Ferguson leafed through the book as if hoping something would pop out of there that he could ask Caine about , but the best he could do was show a photo of Caine and Sean Connery from " The Man Who Would Be King . " What makes this even more disappointing is that Ferguson is clearly a Caine fan - - it 's not like he had to endure a conversation with Justin Bieber . At the very least , Ferguson could have talked to Caine about the tough , working - class backgrounds they have in common . Caine steered the discussion in that direction at one point , talking about filming " Harry Brown " in the very projects he grew up in , yet Ferguson didn 't pick up the ball and run with it . Anyone who can 't get 20 good minutes out of Michael Caine just isn 't doing their job . He 's been a delightful interviewee many times on many shows , having lived a life full of cinematic adventures going back five decades . He 's made some terrific movies and several clunkers , and I look forward to reading his autobiography . It 's not a coincidence that the release of Carter 's book coincides with the November 8th debut of Conan 's new TBS show . Prediction : early on , the show will earn heightened interest from the viewing public and quick praise from the critics who have supported Conan for many years , but in less than a month , the ratings will cool off and , while he 'll have a decent - sized audience , " The Conan Show " will be not be a blockbuster , nor will it contain any content that will revolutionize late - night television . Bottom line : those who already like him will watch , but other programs airing at that time will not be significantly impacted . He 's at a store , where children are seated in small chairs listening to someone else read Bush 's book out loud to them . One of Bush 's aides comes over and whispers something disturbing to him . The former leader of the free world then sits there for several minutes not knowing how to react or what to do next , but doesn 't show any alarm because he doesn 't want to disturb the children and the book reading . Last month , when I addressed the St . Louis Skeptics Society , I talked about the lack of skepticism in the mass media and how the vast majority of outlets report trend stories without bothering to fact - check them . They just run with what they think is " common knowledge " because they see everyone else running with it . That pack mentality leads to bogus storylines , misinformation , and misplaced fear . Lenore Skenazy ( whose Free Range Kids site is a great resource for parents who want their children to grow up learning about personal responsibility instead of being afraid of the world ) points out that , despite the hype and the media scare stories , Halloween is not a dangerous day for kids . As proof , she offers research by Joel Best , a sociologist at the University of Delaware , which shows that there has never been a single case of any child being killed by a stranger 's Halloween candy , and Elizabeth Letourneau , an associate professor at the Medical University of South Carolina , who studied crime statistics from 30 states and found , " There is zero evidence to support the idea that Halloween is a dangerous date for children in terms of child molestation . " Stranger danger is still going strong , and it 's even spread beyond Halloween to the rest of the year . Now parents consider their neighbors potential killers all year round . That 's why they don 't let their kids play on the lawn , or wait alone for the school bus : " You never know ! " The psycho - next - door fear went viral . Then along came new fears . Parents are warned annually not to let their children wear costumes that are too tight - those could seriously restrict breathing ! But not too loose either - kids could trip ! Fall ! Die ! Treating parents like idiots who couldn 't possibly notice that their kid is turning blue or falling on his face might seem like a losing proposition , but it caught on too . Halloween taught marketers that parents are willing to be warned about anything , no matter how preposterous , and then they 're willing to be sold whatever solutions the market can come up with . Face paint so no mask will obscure a child 's vision . Purell , so no child touches a germ . And the biggest boondoggle of all : an adult - supervised party , so no child encounters anything exciting , er , " dangerous . " Skenazy 's entire piece is here . Her site is here . Her book is here . Our guest was Liv Boeree , who went from a college degree in astrophysics to modeling and co - hosting poker TV shows to life as a poker pro - - and she 's done pretty well at it recently , winning the EPT San Remo event in the spring , cashing in three WSOP events this summer , two deep runs at the WSOPE in September , and a 2nd place finish at the EPT London earlier this month . We talked about a Discover magazine piece that profiles Liv and other poker - playing physicists , how she told her parents she was leaving science behind to play poker for a living , how she got her training in the game from Phil Hellmuth , Annie Duke , and Devilfish Ulliott , and the difference between US and European players . Liv also discussed how she uses her sex appeal at the table to gain an edge over male players , and her thoughts on getting more women to overcome intimidation and play the game . At Salon , Matt Zoller Seitz points out the hypocrisy of that refusal , considering that all of those people had no problem working in the first movie with convicted rapist Mike Tyson , but adds we shouldn 't be surprised , what with Hollywood 's history of hypocrisies : How is it that Roman Polanski - - in theory a pariah after fleeing the United States to avoid prosecution on charges of drugging and raping a barely adolescent girl - - got a 2003 Oscar as Best Director ( in absentia ) and a standing ovation , while a 1999 honorary Oscar for director Elia Kazan was preceded by months of protest over Kazan being a rat for the House Un - American Activities Committee ? One wonders , how many of the actors that made a big show of sitting on their hands when Kazan got his award applauded loudly for Polanski four years later ? And does anyone doubt that if Polanski offered Galifianakis the lead role in his next film that the actor wouldn 't happily accept ? Or that if Tyson invited Galifianakis to his birthday party , that he 'd show up with a bottle of Jagermeister , then re - enact the infamous punch - out from " The Hangover " while guests snapped pictures with their cell phones and posted them on Twitter ? Why is Lindsay Lohan , substance abuser and intoxicated driver , borderline - unemployable right now , but Kate Moss , a one - time cokehead blasted as a toxic role model for young women , still a sought - after model , appearing in a Valisere lingerie campaign and on the cover of Bryan Ferry 's new album " Olympia " ? And how is it that Charlie Sheen , who was accused of strangling his wife Brooke Mueller and holding a knife to her throat on Christmas Day , 2009 , is still the star of the CBS sitcom " Two and a Half Men , " and recently signed a new contract guaranteeing him two more years of employment ? While Seitz takes some unnecessary shots at Alec Baldwin in his piece , he 's absolutely right when he says it 's possible for the public to accept both the good and the bad when it comes to celebrities : Mel Gibson is an anti - Semite , a sexist , a homophobe , and very possibly a deranged religious fanatic ; he 's also one of the few bona fide movie stars of the last three decades and the most brilliant action filmmaker since Sam Peckinpah . Polanski is a great director and a sex offender . Kazan was a great director and a rat . Lohan and Moss are substance abusers and arresting beauties whose most interesting work probably lies ahead of them . Sheen is a master of droll self - parody and an unexpectedly charming sitcom star , and a wife - abusing scum that should be behind bars right now . If I cared enough to hypothesize an ideal future for Sheen , I 'd picture him serving several years in prison for assaulting his wife , preferably in maximum security with the hardest of hardcore felons , then moving over to HBO , playing himself . As for " The Hangover , " there 's still going to be a sequel , because in Hollywood the most important thing is money , and this was the highest - grossing R - rated movie of all time . But instead of a shock cameo by Mel Gibson , we 'll get an understated performance by Liam Neeson . Joe Conason explains the real reason the right hates NPR : These same voices have reliably exploited every chance to damage public broadcasting , not because of any supposed liberal bias , but because they disdain the straightforward , probing journalism that the public network provides every day . What the NPR haters want to see and hear on America 's airwaves is the " fair and balanced mentality " of Fox News , Rush Limbaugh , and Michael Savage and nothing else . After all , they hate CNN , CBS , NBC , and ABC with almost equal passion , no matter how much those networks or NPR bend over to accomodate conservative viewpoints . There was a time when I read " Doonesbury " every day . I looked forward to the adventures of Mike , Zonker , BD , Joanie , Rick , Duke , Honey , and all the rest , as well as the satire that flowed out of Garry Trudeau 's pen . We have several of the books , including " The Doonesbury Chronicles , " a 1975 compilation of strips . Somewhere along the way , however , I didn 't see the strip anymore . Notice I didn 't say " read , " but " see . " When we lived in DC , " Doonesbury " was on page 3 of the must - read Style section of the Washington Post , so I never missed it . But the St . Louis Post - Dispatch puts Doonesbury in with the rest of the comics , none of which I was ever a fan of , so I don 't bother digging for it . Now , we don 't even get the P - D at home , so there 's even less impetus to see what Trudeau 's up to each day . It 's been so long since I thought about " Doonesbury " that it didn 't even occur to me to see if the strip is online . Of course , it is , and a glance shows it hasn 't lost any of its political edge and Trudeau 's writing and drawing are as sharp as ever . I just bookmarked it and will see how long it holds my interest over the coming weeks . Years ago , I did a series on Joanie Caucus bedding her then - boyfriend Rick Redfern . The week starts with a drawing of Joanie 's empty bedroom . It 's followed by a three - day , dialogue - free tracking shot that takes us out the bedroom window , across town , and into the window of Rick 's bedroom , where Joanie and Rick are intertwined in post - coital bliss . This was too much for many comics editors , and many papers , reluctant to run the foreplay without a payoff , banned the whole week . But the Bangor newspaper had the most unusual solution ; in the last frame , instead of the scandalous tableau of Rick and Joanie , the paper ran the day 's weather forecast . In today 's NY Times , Dick Cavett writes about Tony Curtis and includes a clip of his show from January , 1970 ( which I can 't embed , unfortunately ) where Curtis sits on a stool and takes questions from the audience . As Cavett explains , Considering that we taped " to time " and did no editing , it took a certain amount of guts to take unrestricted questions this way , but Tony was willing to do it . I 'd have liked to do this on my show more often , but there were few takers . If this was a rarity then , it happens even less frequently now . I can 't remember seeing a talk show in the last decade or two in which a guest took open questions from the audience . James Lipton used to allow his students to query the interviewees on " Inside The Actor 's Studio , " but we usually only saw two or three exchanges , all of them heavily edited . First is " The Social Network , " which proves yet again that Aaron Sorkin is our best contemporary screenwriter . He uses words in a way we haven 't seen since David Mamet was at his peak over a decade ago . The speeches he crafted for the characters in this movie ( particularly Jesse Eisenberg as Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg ) are crisp , clever , and smart , in the same way as those he devised for " Sports Night , " " The West Wing , " " The American President , " " Charlie Wilson 's War , " and " A Few Good Men . " In interviews Sorkin has done to promote the movie , he has said he wanted to offer different perspectives on events , a la " Rashomon . " But instead of giving us disparate views , he gave us visualizations of legal depositions and he - said - she - said disputes . It 's an effective way of telling the story , and the characters vividly drawn , but it 's no " Rashomon . " While Affleck gets good performances from everyone , he could have worked a little more with Hamm on his Boston accent . At times , Hamm is heavy on the blue - collor Boston - ese , pronouncing " Star Market " as " Stah Mahket , " but too often he loses the accent entirely . He 's not bad in the role , but he should have had a consistent voice . The scene - stealer in " The Town " is Jeremy Renner , who got a lot of attention last year for " The Hurt Locker . " Renner 's character is the best friend of Affleck 's character who has a volatile temper and a chip on his shoulder from nine years in prison . He 's all rough edges , the kind of guy who 'd stick a knife in you just for bumping into him accidentally . That volatility makes him both an asset and a liability during the bank robberies , and helps kick - start the plot . Third on my content consumption list is " Boardwalk Empire . " When it debuted on HBO , I thought it would be another of those shows I had to watch every episode of . I 'm a big Steve Buscemi fan , and with Martin Scorcese 's involvement , they had me from the boardwalk on . But they 've lost me after just a few weeks by getting bogged down in too many stories I didn 't care about . It 's tough to keep me interested in a period piece , but the tales of corruption and power in the prohibition era should have been enough to do it . I 've been going through security screening right here in this line for five years and never blown up an airplane , broken any laws , made any threats , or had a government agent call my boss in Houston . And you guys have never tried to touch me or see me naked that whole time . But , if that 's what it 's come to now , I don 't want to enter the facility that badly . - - Michael RobertsMichael Roberts is a pilot for ExpressJet , or at least he was until he went to work at the Memphis airport and saw that the TSA had installed a new security device , a backscatter imaging machine . I 've have written previously about these devices , which can see through your clothes and give TSA personnel a view of your naked body underneath . If you 're in the security line and don 't want to offer such a personal view of yourself to strangers , you can choose the alternate indignity of being frisked . Roberts chose neither . He had passed through the metal detector without setting off any alarms and found it ludicrous that , since he had commuted to work through this portal every week for more than four years without incident , he was being treated this way . He 's right . As the pilot , if he wanted to crash into a building or use the aircraft for a similar terrorist attack , he wouldn 't need a box cutter or any other sharp implement because he 'd already be at the controls of the plane ! Roberts posted his story in detail in an online forum for ExpressJet employees . As of this morning , his job status is unclear , although he hasn 't been allowed to work since the incident last weekend . The conservative civil liberties group The Rutherford Institute has agreed to represent him in his claim that the TSA 's use of full - body scanning technology as a primary security scan violates the Fourth Amendment prohibition on unreasonable searches and seizures . It 's hard to believe it 's been almost 30 years since Cassandra Peterson created the Elvira character for a local LA TV station . It wasn 't long before she had a national presence , and I remember her visiting my morning show on WHCN / Hartford sometime in the early 80s on a promotional tour . She was only supposed to be there for a half - hour , but ended up staying nearly two hours because my listeners loved her and bombarded the station with phone calls . What they didn 't know was that while they were picturing Elvira in her black wig and tight - fitting dress , Peterson was actually sitting beside me as her real - life self , a redhead who was never noticed in public because she didn 't look anything like her character out of costume . On the air as Elvira , she was a gifted improviser with a quick wit , willing to play along with anything I threw at her . Off the air as Cassandra , she was more than a pleasure to hang out with , bubbly and funny and candid . She clearly understood how she 'd struck gold and how to exploit her sudden success . Elvira ran pretty hot for a decade or so , with commercial endorsements , her own movie , computer games , calendars , and tons of personal appearances to go along with her syndicated TV show . That fame began to wane in the 1990s , but she never completely disappeared . In fact , there 's been a steady stream of demand for Elvira , particularly around Halloween - - so much so that , a few years ago , Peterson , who is nearing 60 , hired a couple of actresses to impersonate Elvira around the country , making it possible for her character to be in more than one place at a time . Kevin Pollak does a perfect Albert Brooks imitation . Dave Coulier does a perfect Bob " Super Dave " Einstein imitation . When Coulier appeared on Pollak 's online chat show earlier this year , they improvised a segment with one comedic brother interviewing the other ( including a cameo impression of Richard Kind at the end ) . . . I 've been having a problem with my left foot since April , when I strained my achilles tendon playing tennis . I thought it was the kind of injury that would heal itself if I just stopped playing for a few months . I 've had lots of those injuries , like the broken toe , in which there 's no reason to go to the emergency room because all they 're going to do is tape the broken toe to the one next to it , give you a pain reliever , and send you home . Same thing with a broken rib , or a slight muscle tear I had in my upper arm a few years ago . No medical intervention necessary , just let the healing power of the human body take its course . It was at that point that I went to see my physician , who suggested that after more than four months , the injury might be worse than I speculated , so I should get an MRI and see a specialist . Armed with that film , he sent me to an orthopedist who seemed a little too eager to do surgery , and since I 'd had too much experience getting cut open last year , I want to avoid the scalpel unless it 's the absolute last resort . My physician sent me to another orthopedist for a second opinion , and I liked what she suggested - - immobilizing my foot for six weeks in a plastic boot ( actually , an air cast ) , which I started wearing a couple of days ago . Hopefully , by Thanksgiving , after all that inactivity , the tendon will have healed itself , and I 'm hoping to play tennis again by January . The doctor was not " right with me . " I sat in there for the better part of an hour . I 'd forgotten to bring a book or magazine , so I used my iPhone to review email , check Twitter , and look around at a few news websites . But after absorbing all the content I could think of from my electronic friend , I 'd only killed a half - hour . Next I reviewed all the orthopedic charts on the wall , memorizing the Latin names for all the bones in the foot , which was only slightly less interesting than looking at those transparent " visible man " pages in the World Book when I was a kid . To make matters worse , I 'd occasionally hear someone outside my door pulling the clipboard fake . That 's when a staff member comes up to the door to your examination room , rattles the clipboard containing your medical information , perhaps even removes it to review something , and then puts it back in its holder . I imagine they looked at it , saw I 'd only been waiting 45 minutes , realized that wasn 't nearly long enough , and continued to leave me in limbo . What 's most bothersome about this is how common this practice is . I 'm happy to say that my personal physician is very good at understanding the concept of The Appointment : two people agreeing to meet in a certain place at a certain time , with both then abiding by that agreement . Apparently , this is not how the rest of the medical community defines an appointment . Their definition involves the patient sitting on the crinkly exam table paper for longer than necessary until the doctor finds a few minutes to spend in their presence . Now , I understand that these are busy practices , and they 're trying to jam as many patients in as possible , but I can 't help but wonder if the MD 's even know how rude and inconsiderate this is . Do they ever get sick enough to need another doctor 's attention , and if so , do they have to wait around like we do ? You go out to dinner , park your car in a public area , but forget to lock the doors . When you come back , a thief has opened the door and taken something valuable you left on the seat , or perhaps ripped your car stereo out . That scenario has played out thousands of times in thousands of places . It 's often followed by a call to the cops , who come out , take a report , and tell the victim , " We 'll see what we can do . " Then nothing more ever happens , because there 's nothing the cops can do about it , and it 's a waste of time and manpower for them to start hunting all over town for your briefcase , backpack , or Blaupunkt . Bottom line : you 've been ripped off because of your own carelessness . Hopefully , you 'll learn from your mistake . But if you live in the Philadelphia suburb of Upper Moreland Township , the cops are going to play nanny for you . No , they 're not suddenly better at tracking down stolen merchandise . By they are considering an ordinance that would require you to lock your car when you park it in a public area , or get a ticket and face a $ 25 fine . I rented a movie to watch on a flight the other night , but because I didn 't take my laptop it had to be something compatible with the smaller screen of my iPhone . That meant nothing with big action and special effects like " Iron Man 2 . " I went to the iTunes store and rented " Solitary Man , " a character study Michael Douglas as a 60 - year - old man who finds himself alone - - no job , no real prospects , an ex - wife he can 't live with anymore , an apartment he can 't pay for , and nothing much more than the charisma he has long used to talk younger women into bed . Douglas does a very good job , ably supported by Susan Sarandon , Danny DeVito , Mary Louise Parker , Jenna Fischer , Jesse Eisenberg , and an impressive newcomer named Imogen Poots . But here 's what I didn 't like : the restrictions on watching the movie . The rule for movies rented from the iTunes store is that you have 30 days to enjoy the movie , but once you start watching it , you only have 24 hours before it dissolves into thin air ( at which time , the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your IMF activity ) . So , when I started watching the movie on the plane Thursday night , if I had stopped an hour in and decided to sleep the rest of the way , intending to watch the remainder of the movie on my flight home Sunday night , it would have been impossible unless I re - rented the movie . I bet this happens to a lot of people who download a film to watch on the road , perhaps in their hotel room , but then something else comes up and they never get to finish it before it disappears back into the cloud . That viewing window should be extended from 24 hours to 7 days . After all , Apple and the movie studio already have the $ 3 . 99 I paid for the rental , regardless of when I watch it . And it 's not likely that I 'm going to watch it repeatedly over the course of a week ( unless I had a small child who insisted on seeing " Toy Story 3 " over and over again during vacation ) . Even if I did , how does that affect their bottom line ? Over the years , I 've had quite a few people say some very nice things about the interviews I conduct , which I appreciate very much . Recently , a listener asked me who I think does great interviews , and the first name out of my mouth was Terry Gross , the woman who has been hosting NPR 's " Fresh Air " for a quarter - century ( plus another ten years as a local show before that at WHYY / Philadelphia , still the show 's home station ) . What makes Gross so good ? Three words : preparation , curiosity , and listening . It 's clear that Gross has done research on every guest , delights ( as I do ) in asking questions that the interviewee may not have been asked before , and pays close attention to what they 're saying so she can ask followup questions that make the interview a conversation , not a re - hash of the same old talking points . You get more than the same old stories and talking points in a Terry Gross interview . I don 't know how many people are on her staff , but it 's clear that she has resources that few local hosts have , from guest bookers to researchers to editors who find audio for her . All of them contribute to one of the most consistently well - produced shows in the business . You have to give the producers of " Sesame Street " credit . More than 40 years after the show debuted , they 're still using current pop culture references to teach children . Sure , they misfired with the Katy Perry / Elmo appearance that was yanked before it aired , but now they 've cast Grover as Isaiah Mustafa , the Old Spice Man . . . In our guest segment , we talked with Annie Duke , who beat Dennis in the semi - finals before going on to win this year 's National Heads - Up Poker Championship . Annie testified before Congress about regulating and licensing online poker , so we spent some time on that subject . Then we turned to why she didn 't play in the World Series Of Poker Europe , and whether she thinks that bracelets won there are equivalent to the bracelets awarded at the WSOP in Las Vegas . Finally , we touched on the aftermath of the feud she had this summer with Daniel Negreanu , which started out as a disagreement about ladies - only tournaments . In the last decade , Cannell turned to writing novels , publishing 14 of them . When " The Viking Funeral " came out in January , 2002 , he returned to my radio show to talk about it . He also revealed that he was working on a big - screen version of " The A - Team , " predicting that it would be out within 18 months , but of course it didn 't hit the big screen until this year . A well - respected radio Program Director was fired this week in St . Louis after 7 highly - successful years . The company told him they thought it was " time to part ways . " It reminds me of a friend who ran a top - rated station in Chicago a couple of years ago . When he was let go , the General Manager told him they were " going in a different direction . " Considering that he had helped make the station 's ratings go nowhere but up , guess which direction it headed after he was no longer there ? And guess which GM isn 't there anymore , either ?

I 'm disappointed in Craig Ferguson . While I 've praised him and enjoyed his show in the past , the magic has worn off . The biggest reason : his interviews . When a guest sits down , Ferguson picks up a blue card - - like the ones all other talk show hosts have in front of them , ostensibly full of questions for the guest - - and rips it up , tossing the pieces onto the floor behind him . It 's his way of saying , " I don 't do interviews like everyone else . We 're just going to have a conversation . " That 's all well and good , but a conversation has to start somewhere , and far too often Ferguson has nowhere to start or , if he does , nowhere to proceed to . Take a couple of nights ago , when Ferguson 's guest was Michael Caine . Here you have a screen legend who has just published his autobiography , " The Elephant To Hollywood . " Caine is a great storyteller with a remarkable career . There are so many interesting avenues to explore that my only frustration with having him as a guest would be that there would never be enough time to ask him all the things I want to hear him talk about . Unfortunately , Ferguson punted the opportunity , and it was entirely his fault . On most of these shows , guests are pre - interviewed by a producer who compiles a list of questions or simple bullet points so the host can guide the guest into those areas of conversation . But it 's also incumbent upon the host to have spent some time thinking about what they want to get out of the guest . Without the pre - interview , that burden falls even more heavily on the host . In the case of the Caine interview , it was clear Ferguson hadn 't prepared anything and hadn 't bothered to even skim through the book . In fact , twice in the segment , Ferguson leafed through the book as if hoping something would pop out of there that he could ask Caine about , but the best he could do was show a photo of Caine and Sean Connery from " The Man Who Would Be King . " What makes this even more disappointing is that Ferguson is clearly a Caine fan - - it 's not like he had to endure a conversation with Justin Bieber . At the very least , Ferguson could have talked to Caine about the tough , working - class backgrounds they have in common . Caine steered the discussion in that direction at one point , talking about filming " Harry Brown " in the very projects he grew up in , yet Ferguson didn 't pick up the ball and run with it . Anyone who can 't get 20 good minutes out of Michael Caine just isn 't doing their job . He 's been a delightful interviewee many times on many shows , having lived a life full of cinematic adventures going back five decades . He 's made some terrific movies and several clunkers , and I look forward to reading his autobiography . It 's not a coincidence that the release of Carter 's book coincides with the November 8th debut of Conan 's new TBS show . Prediction : early on , the show will earn heightened interest from the viewing public and quick praise from the critics who have supported Conan for many years , but in less than a month , the ratings will cool off and , while he 'll have a decent - sized audience , " The Conan Show " will be not be a blockbuster , nor will it contain any content that will revolutionize late - night television . Bottom line : those who already like him will watch , but other programs airing at that time will not be significantly impacted . He 's at a store , where children are seated in small chairs listening to someone else read Bush 's book out loud to them . One of Bush 's aides comes over and whispers something disturbing to him . The former leader of the free world then sits there for several minutes not knowing how to react or what to do next , but doesn 't show any alarm because he doesn 't want to disturb the children and the book reading . Last month , when I addressed the St . Louis Skeptics Society , I talked about the lack of skepticism in the mass media and how the vast majority of outlets report trend stories without bothering to fact - check them . They just run with what they think is " common knowledge " because they see everyone else running with it . That pack mentality leads to bogus storylines , misinformation , and misplaced fear . Lenore Skenazy ( whose Free Range Kids site is a great resource for parents who want their children to grow up learning about personal responsibility instead of being afraid of the world ) points out that , despite the hype and the media scare stories , Halloween is not a dangerous day for kids . As proof , she offers research by Joel Best , a sociologist at the University of Delaware , which shows that there has never been a single case of any child being killed by a stranger 's Halloween candy , and Elizabeth Letourneau , an associate professor at the Medical University of South Carolina , who studied crime statistics from 30 states and found , " There is zero evidence to support the idea that Halloween is a dangerous date for children in terms of child molestation . " Stranger danger is still going strong , and it 's even spread beyond Halloween to the rest of the year . Now parents consider their neighbors potential killers all year round . That 's why they don 't let their kids play on the lawn , or wait alone for the school bus : " You never know ! " The psycho - next - door fear went viral . Then along came new fears . Parents are warned annually not to let their children wear costumes that are too tight - those could seriously restrict breathing ! But not too loose either - kids could trip ! Fall ! Die ! Treating parents like idiots who couldn 't possibly notice that their kid is turning blue or falling on his face might seem like a losing proposition , but it caught on too . Halloween taught marketers that parents are willing to be warned about anything , no matter how preposterous , and then they 're willing to be sold whatever solutions the market can come up with . Face paint so no mask will obscure a child 's vision . Purell , so no child touches a germ . And the biggest boondoggle of all : an adult - supervised party , so no child encounters anything exciting , er , " dangerous . " Skenazy 's entire piece is here . Her site is here . Her book is here . Our guest was Liv Boeree , who went from a college degree in astrophysics to modeling and co - hosting poker TV shows to life as a poker pro - - and she 's done pretty well at it recently , winning the EPT San Remo event in the spring , cashing in three WSOP events this summer , two deep runs at the WSOPE in September , and a 2nd place finish at the EPT London earlier this month . We talked about a Discover magazine piece that profiles Liv and other poker - playing physicists , how she told her parents she was leaving science behind to play poker for a living , how she got her training in the game from Phil Hellmuth , Annie Duke , and Devilfish Ulliott , and the difference between US and European players . Liv also discussed how she uses her sex appeal at the table to gain an edge over male players , and her thoughts on getting more women to overcome intimidation and play the game . At Salon , Matt Zoller Seitz points out the hypocrisy of that refusal , considering that all of those people had no problem working in the first movie with convicted rapist Mike Tyson , but adds we shouldn 't be surprised , what with Hollywood 's history of hypocrisies : How is it that Roman Polanski - - in theory a pariah after fleeing the United States to avoid prosecution on charges of drugging and raping a barely adolescent girl - - got a 2003 Oscar as Best Director ( in absentia ) and a standing ovation , while a 1999 honorary Oscar for director Elia Kazan was preceded by months of protest over Kazan being a rat for the House Un - American Activities Committee ? One wonders , how many of the actors that made a big show of sitting on their hands when Kazan got his award applauded loudly for Polanski four years later ? And does anyone doubt that if Polanski offered Galifianakis the lead role in his next film that the actor wouldn 't happily accept ? Or that if Tyson invited Galifianakis to his birthday party , that he 'd show up with a bottle of Jagermeister , then re - enact the infamous punch - out from " The Hangover " while guests snapped pictures with their cell phones and posted them on Twitter ? Why is Lindsay Lohan , substance abuser and intoxicated driver , borderline - unemployable right now , but Kate Moss , a one - time cokehead blasted as a toxic role model for young women , still a sought - after model , appearing in a Valisere lingerie campaign and on the cover of Bryan Ferry 's new album " Olympia " ? And how is it that Charlie Sheen , who was accused of strangling his wife Brooke Mueller and holding a knife to her throat on Christmas Day , 2009 , is still the star of the CBS sitcom " Two and a Half Men , " and recently signed a new contract guaranteeing him two more years of employment ? While Seitz takes some unnecessary shots at Alec Baldwin in his piece , he 's absolutely right when he says it 's possible for the public to accept both the good and the bad when it comes to celebrities : Mel Gibson is an anti - Semite , a sexist , a homophobe , and very possibly a deranged religious fanatic ; he 's also one of the few bona fide movie stars of the last three decades and the most brilliant action filmmaker since Sam Peckinpah . Polanski is a great director and a sex offender . Kazan was a great director and a rat . Lohan and Moss are substance abusers and arresting beauties whose most interesting work probably lies ahead of them . Sheen is a master of droll self - parody and an unexpectedly charming sitcom star , and a wife - abusing scum that should be behind bars right now . If I cared enough to hypothesize an ideal future for Sheen , I 'd picture him serving several years in prison for assaulting his wife , preferably in maximum security with the hardest of hardcore felons , then moving over to HBO , playing himself . As for " The Hangover , " there 's still going to be a sequel , because in Hollywood the most important thing is money , and this was the highest - grossing R - rated movie of all time . But instead of a shock cameo by Mel Gibson , we 'll get an understated performance by Liam Neeson . Joe Conason explains the real reason the right hates NPR : These same voices have reliably exploited every chance to damage public broadcasting , not because of any supposed liberal bias , but because they disdain the straightforward , probing journalism that the public network provides every day . What the NPR haters want to see and hear on America 's airwaves is the " fair and balanced mentality " of Fox News , Rush Limbaugh , and Michael Savage and nothing else . After all , they hate CNN , CBS , NBC , and ABC with almost equal passion , no matter how much those networks or NPR bend over to accomodate conservative viewpoints . There was a time when I read " Doonesbury " every day . I looked forward to the adventures of Mike , Zonker , BD , Joanie , Rick , Duke , Honey , and all the rest , as well as the satire that flowed out of Garry Trudeau 's pen . We have several of the books , including " The Doonesbury Chronicles , " a 1975 compilation of strips . Somewhere along the way , however , I didn 't see the strip anymore . Notice I didn 't say " read , " but " see . " When we lived in DC , " Doonesbury " was on page 3 of the must - read Style section of the Washington Post , so I never missed it . But the St . Louis Post - Dispatch puts Doonesbury in with the rest of the comics , none of which I was ever a fan of , so I don 't bother digging for it . Now , we don 't even get the P - D at home , so there 's even less impetus to see what Trudeau 's up to each day . It 's been so long since I thought about " Doonesbury " that it didn 't even occur to me to see if the strip is online . Of course , it is , and a glance shows it hasn 't lost any of its political edge and Trudeau 's writing and drawing are as sharp as ever . I just bookmarked it and will see how long it holds my interest over the coming weeks . Years ago , I did a series on Joanie Caucus bedding her then - boyfriend Rick Redfern . The week starts with a drawing of Joanie 's empty bedroom . It 's followed by a three - day , dialogue - free tracking shot that takes us out the bedroom window , across town , and into the window of Rick 's bedroom , where Joanie and Rick are intertwined in post - coital bliss . This was too much for many comics editors , and many papers , reluctant to run the foreplay without a payoff , banned the whole week . But the Bangor newspaper had the most unusual solution ; in the last frame , instead of the scandalous tableau of Rick and Joanie , the paper ran the day 's weather forecast . In today 's NY Times , Dick Cavett writes about Tony Curtis and includes a clip of his show from January , 1970 ( which I can 't embed , unfortunately ) where Curtis sits on a stool and takes questions from the audience . As Cavett explains , Considering that we taped " to time " and did no editing , it took a certain amount of guts to take unrestricted questions this way , but Tony was willing to do it . I 'd have liked to do this on my show more often , but there were few takers . If this was a rarity then , it happens even less frequently now . I can 't remember seeing a talk show in the last decade or two in which a guest took open questions from the audience . James Lipton used to allow his students to query the interviewees on " Inside The Actor 's Studio , " but we usually only saw two or three exchanges , all of them heavily edited . First is " The Social Network , " which proves yet again that Aaron Sorkin is our best contemporary screenwriter . He uses words in a way we haven 't seen since David Mamet was at his peak over a decade ago . The speeches he crafted for the characters in this movie ( particularly Jesse Eisenberg as Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg ) are crisp , clever , and smart , in the same way as those he devised for " Sports Night , " " The West Wing , " " The American President , " " Charlie Wilson 's War , " and " A Few Good Men . " In interviews Sorkin has done to promote the movie , he has said he wanted to offer different perspectives on events , a la " Rashomon . " But instead of giving us disparate views , he gave us visualizations of legal depositions and he - said - she - said disputes . It 's an effective way of telling the story , and the characters vividly drawn , but it 's no " Rashomon . " While Affleck gets good performances from everyone , he could have worked a little more with Hamm on his Boston accent . At times , Hamm is heavy on the blue - collor Boston - ese , pronouncing " Star Market " as " Stah Mahket , " but too often he loses the accent entirely . He 's not bad in the role , but he should have had a consistent voice . The scene - stealer in " The Town " is Jeremy Renner , who got a lot of attention last year for " The Hurt Locker . " Renner 's character is the best friend of Affleck 's character who has a volatile temper and a chip on his shoulder from nine years in prison . He 's all rough edges , the kind of guy who 'd stick a knife in you just for bumping into him accidentally . That volatility makes him both an asset and a liability during the bank robberies , and helps kick - start the plot . Third on my content consumption list is " Boardwalk Empire . " When it debuted on HBO , I thought it would be another of those shows I had to watch every episode of . I 'm a big Steve Buscemi fan , and with Martin Scorcese 's involvement , they had me from the boardwalk on . But they 've lost me after just a few weeks by getting bogged down in too many stories I didn 't care about . It 's tough to keep me interested in a period piece , but the tales of corruption and power in the prohibition era should have been enough to do it . I 've been going through security screening right here in this line for five years and never blown up an airplane , broken any laws , made any threats , or had a government agent call my boss in Houston . And you guys have never tried to touch me or see me naked that whole time . But , if that 's what it 's come to now , I don 't want to enter the facility that badly . - - Michael RobertsMichael Roberts is a pilot for ExpressJet , or at least he was until he went to work at the Memphis airport and saw that the TSA had installed a new security device , a backscatter imaging machine . I 've have written previously about these devices , which can see through your clothes and give TSA personnel a view of your naked body underneath . If you 're in the security line and don 't want to offer such a personal view of yourself to strangers , you can choose the alternate indignity of being frisked . Roberts chose neither . He had passed through the metal detector without setting off any alarms and found it ludicrous that , since he had commuted to work through this portal every week for more than four years without incident , he was being treated this way . He 's right . As the pilot , if he wanted to crash into a building or use the aircraft for a similar terrorist attack , he wouldn 't need a box cutter or any other sharp implement because he 'd already be at the controls of the plane ! Roberts posted his story in detail in an online forum for ExpressJet employees . As of this morning , his job status is unclear , although he hasn 't been allowed to work since the incident last weekend . The conservative civil liberties group The Rutherford Institute has agreed to represent him in his claim that the TSA 's use of full - body scanning technology as a primary security scan violates the Fourth Amendment prohibition on unreasonable searches and seizures . It 's hard to believe it 's been almost 30 years since Cassandra Peterson created the Elvira character for a local LA TV station . It wasn 't long before she had a national presence , and I remember her visiting my morning show on WHCN / Hartford sometime in the early 80s on a promotional tour . She was only supposed to be there for a half - hour , but ended up staying nearly two hours because my listeners loved her and bombarded the station with phone calls . What they didn 't know was that while they were picturing Elvira in her black wig and tight - fitting dress , Peterson was actually sitting beside me as her real - life self , a redhead who was never noticed in public because she didn 't look anything like her character out of costume . On the air as Elvira , she was a gifted improviser with a quick wit , willing to play along with anything I threw at her . Off the air as Cassandra , she was more than a pleasure to hang out with , bubbly and funny and candid . She clearly understood how she 'd struck gold and how to exploit her sudden success . Elvira ran pretty hot for a decade or so , with commercial endorsements , her own movie , computer games , calendars , and tons of personal appearances to go along with her syndicated TV show . That fame began to wane in the 1990s , but she never completely disappeared . In fact , there 's been a steady stream of demand for Elvira , particularly around Halloween - - so much so that , a few years ago , Peterson , who is nearing 60 , hired a couple of actresses to impersonate Elvira around the country , making it possible for her character to be in more than one place at a time . Kevin Pollak does a perfect Albert Brooks imitation . Dave Coulier does a perfect Bob " Super Dave " Einstein imitation . When Coulier appeared on Pollak 's online chat show earlier this year , they improvised a segment with one comedic brother interviewing the other ( including a cameo impression of Richard Kind at the end ) . . . I 've been having a problem with my left foot since April , when I strained my achilles tendon playing tennis . I thought it was the kind of injury that would heal itself if I just stopped playing for a few months . I 've had lots of those injuries , like the broken toe , in which there 's no reason to go to the emergency room because all they 're going to do is tape the broken toe to the one next to it , give you a pain reliever , and send you home . Same thing with a broken rib , or a slight muscle tear I had in my upper arm a few years ago . No medical intervention necessary , just let the healing power of the human body take its course . It was at that point that I went to see my physician , who suggested that after more than four months , the injury might be worse than I speculated , so I should get an MRI and see a specialist . Armed with that film , he sent me to an orthopedist who seemed a little too eager to do surgery , and since I 'd had too much experience getting cut open last year , I want to avoid the scalpel unless it 's the absolute last resort . My physician sent me to another orthopedist for a second opinion , and I liked what she suggested - - immobilizing my foot for six weeks in a plastic boot ( actually , an air cast ) , which I started wearing a couple of days ago . Hopefully , by Thanksgiving , after all that inactivity , the tendon will have healed itself , and I 'm hoping to play tennis again by January . The doctor was not " right with me . " I sat in there for the better part of an hour . I 'd forgotten to bring a book or magazine , so I used my iPhone to review email , check Twitter , and look around at a few news websites . But after absorbing all the content I could think of from my electronic friend , I 'd only killed a half - hour . Next I reviewed all the orthopedic charts on the wall , memorizing the Latin names for all the bones in the foot , which was only slightly less interesting than looking at those transparent " visible man " pages in the World Book when I was a kid . To make matters worse , I 'd occasionally hear someone outside my door pulling the clipboard fake . That 's when a staff member comes up to the door to your examination room , rattles the clipboard containing your medical information , perhaps even removes it to review something , and then puts it back in its holder . I imagine they looked at it , saw I 'd only been waiting 45 minutes , realized that wasn 't nearly long enough , and continued to leave me in limbo . What 's most bothersome about this is how common this practice is . I 'm happy to say that my personal physician is very good at understanding the concept of The Appointment : two people agreeing to meet in a certain place at a certain time , with both then abiding by that agreement . Apparently , this is not how the rest of the medical community defines an appointment . Their definition involves the patient sitting on the crinkly exam table paper for longer than necessary until the doctor finds a few minutes to spend in their presence . Now , I understand that these are busy practices , and they 're trying to jam as many patients in as possible , but I can 't help but wonder if the MD 's even know how rude and inconsiderate this is . Do they ever get sick enough to need another doctor 's attention , and if so , do they have to wait around like we do ? You go out to dinner , park your car in a public area , but forget to lock the doors . When you come back , a thief has opened the door and taken something valuable you left on the seat , or perhaps ripped your car stereo out . That scenario has played out thousands of times in thousands of places . It 's often followed by a call to the cops , who come out , take a report , and tell the victim , " We 'll see what we can do . " Then nothing more ever happens , because there 's nothing the cops can do about it , and it 's a waste of time and manpower for them to start hunting all over town for your briefcase , backpack , or Blaupunkt . Bottom line : you 've been ripped off because of your own carelessness . Hopefully , you 'll learn from your mistake . But if you live in the Philadelphia suburb of Upper Moreland Township , the cops are going to play nanny for you . No , they 're not suddenly better at tracking down stolen merchandise . By they are considering an ordinance that would require you to lock your car when you park it in a public area , or get a ticket and face a $ 25 fine . I rented a movie to watch on a flight the other night , but because I didn 't take my laptop it had to be something compatible with the smaller screen of my iPhone . That meant nothing with big action and special effects like " Iron Man 2 . " I went to the iTunes store and rented " Solitary Man , " a character study Michael Douglas as a 60 - year - old man who finds himself alone - - no job , no real prospects , an ex - wife he can 't live with anymore , an apartment he can 't pay for , and nothing much more than the charisma he has long used to talk younger women into bed . Douglas does a very good job , ably supported by Susan Sarandon , Danny DeVito , Mary Louise Parker , Jenna Fischer , Jesse Eisenberg , and an impressive newcomer named Imogen Poots . But here 's what I didn 't like : the restrictions on watching the movie . The rule for movies rented from the iTunes store is that you have 30 days to enjoy the movie , but once you start watching it , you only have 24 hours before it dissolves into thin air ( at which time , the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your IMF activity ) . So , when I started watching the movie on the plane Thursday night , if I had stopped an hour in and decided to sleep the rest of the way , intending to watch the remainder of the movie on my flight home Sunday night , it would have been impossible unless I re - rented the movie . I bet this happens to a lot of people who download a film to watch on the road , perhaps in their hotel room , but then something else comes up and they never get to finish it before it disappears back into the cloud . That viewing window should be extended from 24 hours to 7 days . After all , Apple and the movie studio already have the $ 3 . 99 I paid for the rental , regardless of when I watch it . And it 's not likely that I 'm going to watch it repeatedly over the course of a week ( unless I had a small child who insisted on seeing " Toy Story 3 " over and over again during vacation ) . Even if I did , how does that affect their bottom line ? Over the years , I 've had quite a few people say some very nice things about the interviews I conduct , which I appreciate very much . Recently , a listener asked me who I think does great interviews , and the first name out of my mouth was Terry Gross , the woman who has been hosting NPR 's " Fresh Air " for a quarter - century ( plus another ten years as a local show before that at WHYY / Philadelphia , still the show 's home station ) . What makes Gross so good ? Three words : preparation , curiosity , and listening . It 's clear that Gross has done research on every guest , delights ( as I do ) in asking questions that the interviewee may not have been asked before , and pays close attention to what they 're saying so she can ask followup questions that make the interview a conversation , not a re - hash of the same old talking points . You get more than the same old stories and talking points in a Terry Gross interview . I don 't know how many people are on her staff , but it 's clear that she has resources that few local hosts have , from guest bookers to researchers to editors who find audio for her . All of them contribute to one of the most consistently well - produced shows in the business . You have to give the producers of " Sesame Street " credit . More than 40 years after the show debuted , they 're still using current pop culture references to teach children . Sure , they misfired with the Katy Perry / Elmo appearance that was yanked before it aired , but now they 've cast Grover as Isaiah Mustafa , the Old Spice Man . . . In our guest segment , we talked with Annie Duke , who beat Dennis in the semi - finals before going on to win this year 's National Heads - Up Poker Championship . Annie testified before Congress about regulating and licensing online poker , so we spent some time on that subject . Then we turned to why she didn 't play in the World Series Of Poker Europe , and whether she thinks that bracelets won there are equivalent to the bracelets awarded at the WSOP in Las Vegas . Finally , we touched on the aftermath of the feud she had this summer with Daniel Negreanu , which started out as a disagreement about ladies - only tournaments . In the last decade , Cannell turned to writing novels , publishing 14 of them . When " The Viking Funeral " came out in January , 2002 , he returned to my radio show to talk about it . He also revealed that he was working on a big - screen version of " The A - Team , " predicting that it would be out within 18 months , but of course it didn 't hit the big screen until this year . A well - respected radio Program Director was fired this week in St . Louis after 7 highly - successful years . The company told him they thought it was " time to part ways . " It reminds me of a friend who ran a top - rated station in Chicago a couple of years ago . When he was let go , the General Manager told him they were " going in a different direction . " Considering that he had helped make the station 's ratings go nowhere but up , guess which direction it headed after he was no longer there ? And guess which GM isn 't there anymore , either ?

I 'm disappointed in Craig Ferguson . While I 've praised him and enjoyed his show in the past , the magic has worn off . The biggest reason : his interviews . When a guest sits down , Ferguson picks up a blue card - - like the ones all other talk show hosts have in front of them , ostensibly full of questions for the guest - - and rips it up , tossing the pieces onto the floor behind him . It 's his way of saying , " I don 't do interviews like everyone else . We 're just going to have a conversation . " That 's all well and good , but a conversation has to start somewhere , and far too often Ferguson has nowhere to start or , if he does , nowhere to proceed to . Take a couple of nights ago , when Ferguson 's guest was Michael Caine . Here you have a screen legend who has just published his autobiography , " The Elephant To Hollywood . " Caine is a great storyteller with a remarkable career . There are so many interesting avenues to explore that my only frustration with having him as a guest would be that there would never be enough time to ask him all the things I want to hear him talk about . Unfortunately , Ferguson punted the opportunity , and it was entirely his fault . On most of these shows , guests are pre - interviewed by a producer who compiles a list of questions or simple bullet points so the host can guide the guest into those areas of conversation . But it 's also incumbent upon the host to have spent some time thinking about what they want to get out of the guest . Without the pre - interview , that burden falls even more heavily on the host . In the case of the Caine interview , it was clear Ferguson hadn 't prepared anything and hadn 't bothered to even skim through the book . In fact , twice in the segment , Ferguson leafed through the book as if hoping something would pop out of there that he could ask Caine about , but the best he could do was show a photo of Caine and Sean Connery from " The Man Who Would Be King . " What makes this even more disappointing is that Ferguson is clearly a Caine fan - - it 's not like he had to endure a conversation with Justin Bieber . At the very least , Ferguson could have talked to Caine about the tough , working - class backgrounds they have in common . Caine steered the discussion in that direction at one point , talking about filming " Harry Brown " in the very projects he grew up in , yet Ferguson didn 't pick up the ball and run with it . Anyone who can 't get 20 good minutes out of Michael Caine just isn 't doing their job . He 's been a delightful interviewee many times on many shows , having lived a life full of cinematic adventures going back five decades . He 's made some terrific movies and several clunkers , and I look forward to reading his autobiography . It 's not a coincidence that the release of Carter 's book coincides with the November 8th debut of Conan 's new TBS show . Prediction : early on , the show will earn heightened interest from the viewing public and quick praise from the critics who have supported Conan for many years , but in less than a month , the ratings will cool off and , while he 'll have a decent - sized audience , " The Conan Show " will be not be a blockbuster , nor will it contain any content that will revolutionize late - night television . Bottom line : those who already like him will watch , but other programs airing at that time will not be significantly impacted . He 's at a store , where children are seated in small chairs listening to someone else read Bush 's book out loud to them . One of Bush 's aides comes over and whispers something disturbing to him . The former leader of the free world then sits there for several minutes not knowing how to react or what to do next , but doesn 't show any alarm because he doesn 't want to disturb the children and the book reading . Last month , when I addressed the St . Louis Skeptics Society , I talked about the lack of skepticism in the mass media and how the vast majority of outlets report trend stories without bothering to fact - check them . They just run with what they think is " common knowledge " because they see everyone else running with it . That pack mentality leads to bogus storylines , misinformation , and misplaced fear . Lenore Skenazy ( whose Free Range Kids site is a great resource for parents who want their children to grow up learning about personal responsibility instead of being afraid of the world ) points out that , despite the hype and the media scare stories , Halloween is not a dangerous day for kids . As proof , she offers research by Joel Best , a sociologist at the University of Delaware , which shows that there has never been a single case of any child being killed by a stranger 's Halloween candy , and Elizabeth Letourneau , an associate professor at the Medical University of South Carolina , who studied crime statistics from 30 states and found , " There is zero evidence to support the idea that Halloween is a dangerous date for children in terms of child molestation . " Stranger danger is still going strong , and it 's even spread beyond Halloween to the rest of the year . Now parents consider their neighbors potential killers all year round . That 's why they don 't let their kids play on the lawn , or wait alone for the school bus : " You never know ! " The psycho - next - door fear went viral . Then along came new fears . Parents are warned annually not to let their children wear costumes that are too tight - those could seriously restrict breathing ! But not too loose either - kids could trip ! Fall ! Die ! Treating parents like idiots who couldn 't possibly notice that their kid is turning blue or falling on his face might seem like a losing proposition , but it caught on too . Halloween taught marketers that parents are willing to be warned about anything , no matter how preposterous , and then they 're willing to be sold whatever solutions the market can come up with . Face paint so no mask will obscure a child 's vision . Purell , so no child touches a germ . And the biggest boondoggle of all : an adult - supervised party , so no child encounters anything exciting , er , " dangerous . " Skenazy 's entire piece is here . Her site is here . Her book is here . Our guest was Liv Boeree , who went from a college degree in astrophysics to modeling and co - hosting poker TV shows to life as a poker pro - - and she 's done pretty well at it recently , winning the EPT San Remo event in the spring , cashing in three WSOP events this summer , two deep runs at the WSOPE in September , and a 2nd place finish at the EPT London earlier this month . We talked about a Discover magazine piece that profiles Liv and other poker - playing physicists , how she told her parents she was leaving science behind to play poker for a living , how she got her training in the game from Phil Hellmuth , Annie Duke , and Devilfish Ulliott , and the difference between US and European players . Liv also discussed how she uses her sex appeal at the table to gain an edge over male players , and her thoughts on getting more women to overcome intimidation and play the game . At Salon , Matt Zoller Seitz points out the hypocrisy of that refusal , considering that all of those people had no problem working in the first movie with convicted rapist Mike Tyson , but adds we shouldn 't be surprised , what with Hollywood 's history of hypocrisies : How is it that Roman Polanski - - in theory a pariah after fleeing the United States to avoid prosecution on charges of drugging and raping a barely adolescent girl - - got a 2003 Oscar as Best Director ( in absentia ) and a standing ovation , while a 1999 honorary Oscar for director Elia Kazan was preceded by months of protest over Kazan being a rat for the House Un - American Activities Committee ? One wonders , how many of the actors that made a big show of sitting on their hands when Kazan got his award applauded loudly for Polanski four years later ? And does anyone doubt that if Polanski offered Galifianakis the lead role in his next film that the actor wouldn 't happily accept ? Or that if Tyson invited Galifianakis to his birthday party , that he 'd show up with a bottle of Jagermeister , then re - enact the infamous punch - out from " The Hangover " while guests snapped pictures with their cell phones and posted them on Twitter ? Why is Lindsay Lohan , substance abuser and intoxicated driver , borderline - unemployable right now , but Kate Moss , a one - time cokehead blasted as a toxic role model for young women , still a sought - after model , appearing in a Valisere lingerie campaign and on the cover of Bryan Ferry 's new album " Olympia " ? And how is it that Charlie Sheen , who was accused of strangling his wife Brooke Mueller and holding a knife to her throat on Christmas Day , 2009 , is still the star of the CBS sitcom " Two and a Half Men , " and recently signed a new contract guaranteeing him two more years of employment ? While Seitz takes some unnecessary shots at Alec Baldwin in his piece , he 's absolutely right when he says it 's possible for the public to accept both the good and the bad when it comes to celebrities : Mel Gibson is an anti - Semite , a sexist , a homophobe , and very possibly a deranged religious fanatic ; he 's also one of the few bona fide movie stars of the last three decades and the most brilliant action filmmaker since Sam Peckinpah . Polanski is a great director and a sex offender . Kazan was a great director and a rat . Lohan and Moss are substance abusers and arresting beauties whose most interesting work probably lies ahead of them . Sheen is a master of droll self - parody and an unexpectedly charming sitcom star , and a wife - abusing scum that should be behind bars right now . If I cared enough to hypothesize an ideal future for Sheen , I 'd picture him serving several years in prison for assaulting his wife , preferably in maximum security with the hardest of hardcore felons , then moving over to HBO , playing himself . As for " The Hangover , " there 's still going to be a sequel , because in Hollywood the most important thing is money , and this was the highest - grossing R - rated movie of all time . But instead of a shock cameo by Mel Gibson , we 'll get an understated performance by Liam Neeson . Joe Conason explains the real reason the right hates NPR : These same voices have reliably exploited every chance to damage public broadcasting , not because of any supposed liberal bias , but because they disdain the straightforward , probing journalism that the public network provides every day . What the NPR haters want to see and hear on America 's airwaves is the " fair and balanced mentality " of Fox News , Rush Limbaugh , and Michael Savage and nothing else . After all , they hate CNN , CBS , NBC , and ABC with almost equal passion , no matter how much those networks or NPR bend over to accomodate conservative viewpoints . There was a time when I read " Doonesbury " every day . I looked forward to the adventures of Mike , Zonker , BD , Joanie , Rick , Duke , Honey , and all the rest , as well as the satire that flowed out of Garry Trudeau 's pen . We have several of the books , including " The Doonesbury Chronicles , " a 1975 compilation of strips . Somewhere along the way , however , I didn 't see the strip anymore . Notice I didn 't say " read , " but " see . " When we lived in DC , " Doonesbury " was on page 3 of the must - read Style section of the Washington Post , so I never missed it . But the St . Louis Post - Dispatch puts Doonesbury in with the rest of the comics , none of which I was ever a fan of , so I don 't bother digging for it . Now , we don 't even get the P - D at home , so there 's even less impetus to see what Trudeau 's up to each day . It 's been so long since I thought about " Doonesbury " that it didn 't even occur to me to see if the strip is online . Of course , it is , and a glance shows it hasn 't lost any of its political edge and Trudeau 's writing and drawing are as sharp as ever . I just bookmarked it and will see how long it holds my interest over the coming weeks . Years ago , I did a series on Joanie Caucus bedding her then - boyfriend Rick Redfern . The week starts with a drawing of Joanie 's empty bedroom . It 's followed by a three - day , dialogue - free tracking shot that takes us out the bedroom window , across town , and into the window of Rick 's bedroom , where Joanie and Rick are intertwined in post - coital bliss . This was too much for many comics editors , and many papers , reluctant to run the foreplay without a payoff , banned the whole week . But the Bangor newspaper had the most unusual solution ; in the last frame , instead of the scandalous tableau of Rick and Joanie , the paper ran the day 's weather forecast . In today 's NY Times , Dick Cavett writes about Tony Curtis and includes a clip of his show from January , 1970 ( which I can 't embed , unfortunately ) where Curtis sits on a stool and takes questions from the audience . As Cavett explains , Considering that we taped " to time " and did no editing , it took a certain amount of guts to take unrestricted questions this way , but Tony was willing to do it . I 'd have liked to do this on my show more often , but there were few takers . If this was a rarity then , it happens even less frequently now . I can 't remember seeing a talk show in the last decade or two in which a guest took open questions from the audience . James Lipton used to allow his students to query the interviewees on " Inside The Actor 's Studio , " but we usually only saw two or three exchanges , all of them heavily edited . First is " The Social Network , " which proves yet again that Aaron Sorkin is our best contemporary screenwriter . He uses words in a way we haven 't seen since David Mamet was at his peak over a decade ago . The speeches he crafted for the characters in this movie ( particularly Jesse Eisenberg as Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg ) are crisp , clever , and smart , in the same way as those he devised for " Sports Night , " " The West Wing , " " The American President , " " Charlie Wilson 's War , " and " A Few Good Men . " In interviews Sorkin has done to promote the movie , he has said he wanted to offer different perspectives on events , a la " Rashomon . " But instead of giving us disparate views , he gave us visualizations of legal depositions and he - said - she - said disputes . It 's an effective way of telling the story , and the characters vividly drawn , but it 's no " Rashomon . " While Affleck gets good performances from everyone , he could have worked a little more with Hamm on his Boston accent . At times , Hamm is heavy on the blue - collor Boston - ese , pronouncing " Star Market " as " Stah Mahket , " but too often he loses the accent entirely . He 's not bad in the role , but he should have had a consistent voice . The scene - stealer in " The Town " is Jeremy Renner , who got a lot of attention last year for " The Hurt Locker . " Renner 's character is the best friend of Affleck 's character who has a volatile temper and a chip on his shoulder from nine years in prison . He 's all rough edges , the kind of guy who 'd stick a knife in you just for bumping into him accidentally . That volatility makes him both an asset and a liability during the bank robberies , and helps kick - start the plot . Third on my content consumption list is " Boardwalk Empire . " When it debuted on HBO , I thought it would be another of those shows I had to watch every episode of . I 'm a big Steve Buscemi fan , and with Martin Scorcese 's involvement , they had me from the boardwalk on . But they 've lost me after just a few weeks by getting bogged down in too many stories I didn 't care about . It 's tough to keep me interested in a period piece , but the tales of corruption and power in the prohibition era should have been enough to do it . I 've been going through security screening right here in this line for five years and never blown up an airplane , broken any laws , made any threats , or had a government agent call my boss in Houston . And you guys have never tried to touch me or see me naked that whole time . But , if that 's what it 's come to now , I don 't want to enter the facility that badly . - - Michael RobertsMichael Roberts is a pilot for ExpressJet , or at least he was until he went to work at the Memphis airport and saw that the TSA had installed a new security device , a backscatter imaging machine . I 've have written previously about these devices , which can see through your clothes and give TSA personnel a view of your naked body underneath . If you 're in the security line and don 't want to offer such a personal view of yourself to strangers , you can choose the alternate indignity of being frisked . Roberts chose neither . He had passed through the metal detector without setting off any alarms and found it ludicrous that , since he had commuted to work through this portal every week for more than four years without incident , he was being treated this way . He 's right . As the pilot , if he wanted to crash into a building or use the aircraft for a similar terrorist attack , he wouldn 't need a box cutter or any other sharp implement because he 'd already be at the controls of the plane ! Roberts posted his story in detail in an online forum for ExpressJet employees . As of this morning , his job status is unclear , although he hasn 't been allowed to work since the incident last weekend . The conservative civil liberties group The Rutherford Institute has agreed to represent him in his claim that the TSA 's use of full - body scanning technology as a primary security scan violates the Fourth Amendment prohibition on unreasonable searches and seizures . It 's hard to believe it 's been almost 30 years since Cassandra Peterson created the Elvira character for a local LA TV station . It wasn 't long before she had a national presence , and I remember her visiting my morning show on WHCN / Hartford sometime in the early 80s on a promotional tour . She was only supposed to be there for a half - hour , but ended up staying nearly two hours because my listeners loved her and bombarded the station with phone calls . What they didn 't know was that while they were picturing Elvira in her black wig and tight - fitting dress , Peterson was actually sitting beside me as her real - life self , a redhead who was never noticed in public because she didn 't look anything like her character out of costume . On the air as Elvira , she was a gifted improviser with a quick wit , willing to play along with anything I threw at her . Off the air as Cassandra , she was more than a pleasure to hang out with , bubbly and funny and candid . She clearly understood how she 'd struck gold and how to exploit her sudden success . Elvira ran pretty hot for a decade or so , with commercial endorsements , her own movie , computer games , calendars , and tons of personal appearances to go along with her syndicated TV show . That fame began to wane in the 1990s , but she never completely disappeared . In fact , there 's been a steady stream of demand for Elvira , particularly around Halloween - - so much so that , a few years ago , Peterson , who is nearing 60 , hired a couple of actresses to impersonate Elvira around the country , making it possible for her character to be in more than one place at a time . Kevin Pollak does a perfect Albert Brooks imitation . Dave Coulier does a perfect Bob " Super Dave " Einstein imitation . When Coulier appeared on Pollak 's online chat show earlier this year , they improvised a segment with one comedic brother interviewing the other ( including a cameo impression of Richard Kind at the end ) . . . I 've been having a problem with my left foot since April , when I strained my achilles tendon playing tennis . I thought it was the kind of injury that would heal itself if I just stopped playing for a few months . I 've had lots of those injuries , like the broken toe , in which there 's no reason to go to the emergency room because all they 're going to do is tape the broken toe to the one next to it , give you a pain reliever , and send you home . Same thing with a broken rib , or a slight muscle tear I had in my upper arm a few years ago . No medical intervention necessary , just let the healing power of the human body take its course . It was at that point that I went to see my physician , who suggested that after more than four months , the injury might be worse than I speculated , so I should get an MRI and see a specialist . Armed with that film , he sent me to an orthopedist who seemed a little too eager to do surgery , and since I 'd had too much experience getting cut open last year , I want to avoid the scalpel unless it 's the absolute last resort . My physician sent me to another orthopedist for a second opinion , and I liked what she suggested - - immobilizing my foot for six weeks in a plastic boot ( actually , an air cast ) , which I started wearing a couple of days ago . Hopefully , by Thanksgiving , after all that inactivity , the tendon will have healed itself , and I 'm hoping to play tennis again by January . The doctor was not " right with me . " I sat in there for the better part of an hour . I 'd forgotten to bring a book or magazine , so I used my iPhone to review email , check Twitter , and look around at a few news websites . But after absorbing all the content I could think of from my electronic friend , I 'd only killed a half - hour . Next I reviewed all the orthopedic charts on the wall , memorizing the Latin names for all the bones in the foot , which was only slightly less interesting than looking at those transparent " visible man " pages in the World Book when I was a kid . To make matters worse , I 'd occasionally hear someone outside my door pulling the clipboard fake . That 's when a staff member comes up to the door to your examination room , rattles the clipboard containing your medical information , perhaps even removes it to review something , and then puts it back in its holder . I imagine they looked at it , saw I 'd only been waiting 45 minutes , realized that wasn 't nearly long enough , and continued to leave me in limbo . What 's most bothersome about this is how common this practice is . I 'm happy to say that my personal physician is very good at understanding the concept of The Appointment : two people agreeing to meet in a certain place at a certain time , with both then abiding by that agreement . Apparently , this is not how the rest of the medical community defines an appointment . Their definition involves the patient sitting on the crinkly exam table paper for longer than necessary until the doctor finds a few minutes to spend in their presence . Now , I understand that these are busy practices , and they 're trying to jam as many patients in as possible , but I can 't help but wonder if the MD 's even know how rude and inconsiderate this is . Do they ever get sick enough to need another doctor 's attention , and if so , do they have to wait around like we do ? You go out to dinner , park your car in a public area , but forget to lock the doors . When you come back , a thief has opened the door and taken something valuable you left on the seat , or perhaps ripped your car stereo out . That scenario has played out thousands of times in thousands of places . It 's often followed by a call to the cops , who come out , take a report , and tell the victim , " We 'll see what we can do . " Then nothing more ever happens , because there 's nothing the cops can do about it , and it 's a waste of time and manpower for them to start hunting all over town for your briefcase , backpack , or Blaupunkt . Bottom line : you 've been ripped off because of your own carelessness . Hopefully , you 'll learn from your mistake . But if you live in the Philadelphia suburb of Upper Moreland Township , the cops are going to play nanny for you . No , they 're not suddenly better at tracking down stolen merchandise . By they are considering an ordinance that would require you to lock your car when you park it in a public area , or get a ticket and face a $ 25 fine . I rented a movie to watch on a flight the other night , but because I didn 't take my laptop it had to be something compatible with the smaller screen of my iPhone . That meant nothing with big action and special effects like " Iron Man 2 . " I went to the iTunes store and rented " Solitary Man , " a character study Michael Douglas as a 60 - year - old man who finds himself alone - - no job , no real prospects , an ex - wife he can 't live with anymore , an apartment he can 't pay for , and nothing much more than the charisma he has long used to talk younger women into bed . Douglas does a very good job , ably supported by Susan Sarandon , Danny DeVito , Mary Louise Parker , Jenna Fischer , Jesse Eisenberg , and an impressive newcomer named Imogen Poots . But here 's what I didn 't like : the restrictions on watching the movie . The rule for movies rented from the iTunes store is that you have 30 days to enjoy the movie , but once you start watching it , you only have 24 hours before it dissolves into thin air ( at which time , the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your IMF activity ) . So , when I started watching the movie on the plane Thursday night , if I had stopped an hour in and decided to sleep the rest of the way , intending to watch the remainder of the movie on my flight home Sunday night , it would have been impossible unless I re - rented the movie . I bet this happens to a lot of people who download a film to watch on the road , perhaps in their hotel room , but then something else comes up and they never get to finish it before it disappears back into the cloud . That viewing window should be extended from 24 hours to 7 days . After all , Apple and the movie studio already have the $ 3 . 99 I paid for the rental , regardless of when I watch it . And it 's not likely that I 'm going to watch it repeatedly over the course of a week ( unless I had a small child who insisted on seeing " Toy Story 3 " over and over again during vacation ) . Even if I did , how does that affect their bottom line ? Over the years , I 've had quite a few people say some very nice things about the interviews I conduct , which I appreciate very much . Recently , a listener asked me who I think does great interviews , and the first name out of my mouth was Terry Gross , the woman who has been hosting NPR 's " Fresh Air " for a quarter - century ( plus another ten years as a local show before that at WHYY / Philadelphia , still the show 's home station ) . What makes Gross so good ? Three words : preparation , curiosity , and listening . It 's clear that Gross has done research on every guest , delights ( as I do ) in asking questions that the interviewee may not have been asked before , and pays close attention to what they 're saying so she can ask followup questions that make the interview a conversation , not a re - hash of the same old talking points . You get more than the same old stories and talking points in a Terry Gross interview . I don 't know how many people are on her staff , but it 's clear that she has resources that few local hosts have , from guest bookers to researchers to editors who find audio for her . All of them contribute to one of the most consistently well - produced shows in the business . You have to give the producers of " Sesame Street " credit . More than 40 years after the show debuted , they 're still using current pop culture references to teach children . Sure , they misfired with the Katy Perry / Elmo appearance that was yanked before it aired , but now they 've cast Grover as Isaiah Mustafa , the Old Spice Man . . . In our guest segment , we talked with Annie Duke , who beat Dennis in the semi - finals before going on to win this year 's National Heads - Up Poker Championship . Annie testified before Congress about regulating and licensing online poker , so we spent some time on that subject . Then we turned to why she didn 't play in the World Series Of Poker Europe , and whether she thinks that bracelets won there are equivalent to the bracelets awarded at the WSOP in Las Vegas . Finally , we touched on the aftermath of the feud she had this summer with Daniel Negreanu , which started out as a disagreement about ladies - only tournaments . In the last decade , Cannell turned to writing novels , publishing 14 of them . When " The Viking Funeral " came out in January , 2002 , he returned to my radio show to talk about it . He also revealed that he was working on a big - screen version of " The A - Team , " predicting that it would be out within 18 months , but of course it didn 't hit the big screen until this year . A well - respected radio Program Director was fired this week in St . Louis after 7 highly - successful years . The company told him they thought it was " time to part ways . " It reminds me of a friend who ran a top - rated station in Chicago a couple of years ago . When he was let go , the General Manager told him they were " going in a different direction . " Considering that he had helped make the station 's ratings go nowhere but up , guess which direction it headed after he was no longer there ? And guess which GM isn 't there anymore , either ?

| Leave a comment " There is a unique kind of magic that comes from hearing a story told . With only the power of a voice , an entire world can be created . Suddenly , the audience becomes the hero , the villain , or the magic djinn commanding the desert sand storm . " So says Evan Turk in the author 's note to his book The Storyteller . Apparently , it is also an old Moroccan saying that " when a storyteller dies , a library burns . " I thought that sharing this book on Read Across America day was especially important . There is power in telling a story , especially to an audience . While we now have easy access to books , television , movies and so on , we have historically learned from tales passed down orally from generation to generation . Stories teach us the ways of our cultures and feed our souls . Evan Turk shows that feeling in a literal way through this vivid tale . Long ago , the kingdom of Morocco was formed on the edge of the great , dry Sahara . It had fountains of water to quench the thirst of the desert and storytellers to bring the people together . But just like everywhere else , modernity came and people soon forgot their storytellers and the land soon became parched . As a young boy walks home , searching for water , he is given a brass cups from a water seller in the hopes that he might just be lucky enough to find something . What he finds is an old storyteller who calls out to him , assuring him that his thirst will be quenched if he listens to a story . The storyteller spins a tale of the terrible drought and how one family always had enough water to share . The young boy is enthralled , and by the time the old man has finished speaking , the boy 's cup is miraculously filled with cool water . At the same time that the storyteller is weaving the story for the young boy , a sandstorm is forming . Just as the boy is quenching his thirst with the power of the story , the sandstorm comes to destroy the city in the form of a djinn . He has the power to destroy the city because the fountains have run dry and the fountains have run dry because the people have stopped listening to the storytellers . The boy , realizing the power that the story holds , tricks the djinn into listening to a story before destroying the land . It takes him multiple days to tell the story , but through the power of his tale and the fact that he is telling it in front of an ever expanding audience , the boy refills the city 's fountains and quenches the physical and metaphysical thirsts making the djinn powerless . The Storyteller was a beautiful book with haunting illustrations . You can also get a sense of it from the following trailer . May we continue to shine a light on the power of the story . In this book , beautifully illustrated by Claire Fletcher , young Josette Bobette and her favorite stuffed animal , Pepette the bunny , live in Paris . Josette loves sitting in the great room that happens to be filled with a wall of family portraits . Everyone in her family had a painting , even the family dog , but Pepette 's portrait was missing . So the two set off to Montmarte , the famous artists quarter in Paris , to find someone to truly capture Pepette and the love that Josette has for her . As soon as they enter the quarter , a man stops them and wants to paint Pepette 's portrait because of her " majestic ears . " He then fills an easel with Pepette 's image , but instead of two ears she has three , instead of one nose , she has two . The painting looked vaguely familiar to a certain famous artist , and I suddenly realized why there were portraits of a few famous artists in the beginning of the book . Each page would focus on a famous artist 's style , this one being Picasso . Josette and Pepette continue to wander through the artists and get stopped by various artists . In this way , they are introduced to Salvador Dali , Marc Chagall , and Henri Matisse . Even though these amazing men had painted Pepette 's portrait , none of them captured her the way Josette had dreamed of . So she realized that she had to do the painting herself and it was perfect . I loved the illustrations in this book and the whimsical way of showcasing famous artists . I will admit that some felt more true to the artists than others , but it is a great way to peak a child 's interest . Children also love the notion of a scavenger hunt , so they are able to find the artist 's portrait at the beginning of the book . A truly engaged child might also ask to see more work by each individual artist . Regardless , this was a very sweet book that not only showcased great art , but the love of a child and her stuffed animal . | 2 Comments Children love learning about colors and they are often some of the first words that they can read on their own . There is something completely fascinating in what you can do with three primary colors if only you are allowed to try . There are actually many wonderful books that open up a world of possibility and encourage creativity in the realm of color exploration , I 've only found a few of them … This post was born from random library browsing . A few weeks ago I picked up a wonderful book called Snap at our local library . When I was returning that and looking through other new books , I came across Swatch : The Girl who Loved Color and an idea was born . Why not write a post about books that talk about color ? Do you have favorite books about colors ? I would love to hear of them in the comments section . My children love books that allow them to be involved . Hervé Tullet has a collection of interactive books and Mix - it Up is his way of teaching color theory . This book is a great way to get kids thinking about how to utilize the primary colors to make a world of possibilities . One of the fun things about this book is that most of it can also be done with actual paint allowing the kids to get truly tactile . Another fabulous book that focuses on the colors themselves with less of a story is The Usborne Big Book of Colors . This is a great book to start young children in an understanding of colors . This is a visually stunning book for the youngest learners to kick start their excitement about colors . What is marvelous about this book is that it goes beyond exploring the basic red , blue , green colors and instead shows the various shades within the main color groups . Where it goes further is by having a color wheel to show complimentary colors , a page with an acetate layover to show how colors mix together , and a page that shows color words that are used to describe feelings . Touching on the concept of colors used as ways to describe emotions , My Blue is Happy is a great book that perhaps changes how we look at colors . We often forget that colors mean different things to different people . Is red angry , like a dragon 's breath ? Or brave like a fire truck ? Is pink pretty or annoying ? Is black scary like creeping shadows or peaceful like the still surface of the lake ? Art teacher Jessica Young challenges common assumptions about colors and celebrates individual perspective in this ode to colors and the unique way we experience them . Who doesn 't love a brand new box of crayons ? In this colorful book , Evan can 't wait to draw with his brand new set until , SNAP ! his brown crayon breaks in two . He tries everything to get the crayons back together until " as if by magic , something changed . " What changed ? This is the awesome part - Evan realized that having two pieces was even better than having one ! In an unusual twist , Snap shows kids how to make lemonade out of lemons . The broken crayon encouraged all kinds of creativity in Evan . When wrappers came off , he figured out how to do etchings , when he lost his green crayon , he accidentally got into color mixing . This is a marvelous book about creativity , discovery , color combinations and always looking on the bright side . An incredibly fun way to encourage a young artist and the dreamer in all of us . Peter H . Reynolds is known for his amazing books about creativity and thinking outside of the box . In Sky Color , Marisol is ready to paint the sky for her class mural , but there is no blue paint . While the rest of her class works on their portions of the mural , Marisol ponders how she can do her part . As she watches the sky , she realizes that it is so much more than blue , changing as the son moves across the horizon . When she goes to school the next day , she creates her own new color , " sky color , " and the effects are stunning . In this newly released book by Julia Denos , Swatch : The Girl who Loved Color is about a little girl named Swatch who loves to run with the colors and make masterpieces . When she called to the colors , they would come to her " because Swatch loved color and color loved Swatch back . " One day she realizes that she can capture the colors in jars and starts to make a collection . However , when she goes to collect her final color , Yellowest Yellow , the color actually asks her what she is going . Yellowest Yellow doesn 't want to be put into a jar and while Swatch could have scooped it up anyway , she agrees to allow him to go free . Yellowest Yellow reminds her just how wild he is from roaring and loud to warm and buttery . She allows all of her colors to be free again and together they make a masterpiece . A wonderful book highlighting the beauty and power of colors and the life that they can bring to your world . Liza loves her crayons , but when she decides that a blank wall in her room would make a wonderful canvas , her mother takes her beloved crayons away from her . Immediately , this bright , colorful book turns black and white and Liza experiences a life without crayons and , in her mind , a life without color . She goes about her day and unknowingly starts to create art . When she roams outside , grass stains open her eyes to the wonders that are nature and she starts to bring color back to her pages . As colors return , so does her outstanding creativity . She gets her crayons back , but she no longer needs them . A glorious look at colors and the creative genius . Finally , what would a post about colors and crayons be without The Day the Crayons Quit ? There is actually a series around this book and the kids LOVE it ! The concept of the first book , The Day the Crayons Quit , is that Duncan opens his crayon box to find that all of his crayons have quit . Beige is tired of playing second fiddle to Brown . Blue needs a break from coloring all that water , while Pink just wants to be used . Green has no complaints , but Orange and Yellow are no longer speaking to each other . The Day the Crayons Came Home is about some of the lesser known crayons writing postcards to Duncan asking to be rescued from various scenarios . This October there will be a new board book available , called The Crayon 's Book of Colors , where the crayons come together to make Duncan a birthday card . | 1 Comment In our search for good books about art , I happened up on this little gem about museums themselves . In David Goldin 's " Meet me at the Art Museum , " a used museum ticket stub meets up with the docent 's name tag and gets a full tour of the museum after hours . While the book has a slew of outstanding art in it , the focus of the book is on how a museum works . Whether a child has had a chance to visit an art museum or not , this is a great look behind the scenes . Daisy , the name tag , shows Stub , a used ticket , around the museum - from the delivery zone , to galleries , offices , the library and restoration room . She also explains how galleries are organized and who gets to decide what pieces go in the museum . For little hands that like to touch , she also shows the security side and explains that touching is not allowed . This is a marvelous look at how museums work . For older kids who want a little more details , the back of the book has a " who 's who " and " what 's what " section as well as a list of all of the art work they referred to in the book . An excellent addition to the art category ! | 7 Comments I 'm always looking for ways to get my girls interested in art . It is very hard living in an area that does not have art museums easily accessible . When I was growing up in Los Angeles , we were taken to museums on a regular basis as part of our formal education . So imagine my surprise to find the book " Who Stole the Mona Lisa ? " in our local library and for J to declare it one of her favorite books . She read it over and over . I think that actually sparked her desire to take an art class and start delving into Picasso . This innovative take on da Vinci 's masterpiece is full of interesting facts , but is also told as something of a mystery about the time when Vincenzo Perugia stole the painting and kept it for two years . Told from the perspective of the lady herself , this book starts in the Louvre with the reader getting to listen to a curator give a guided tour of the museum . They stop at the Mona Lisa for detailed inforation . Interesting facts about the time when Leonardo da Vinci painted her are presented along with great facts about the master himself . It turns out that the Mona Lisa was owned by many French kings until Napoleon decided to donate her to the Louvre where she became world famous . Everything was great until 1911 when she was stolen from the wall of the museum . The French police looked everywhere , but could not find her . People came to the museum to see the blank space where she was supposed to be and pay tribute to her memory . She was finally found in the home of Vincenzo Perugia , an Italian living in Paris and the world went wild . The book starts and ends questioning why the Mona Lisa is smiling . By the end of the book , we are told that she is smiling because she is happy . Happy to be back where she belongs . Since reading this , J has also been reading " Who Was Leonardo da Vinci " and the Da Vinci edition of the Getting to Know the Great Artists series . She continues to learn huge amounts about the artist and his work and is quite fascinated by him . She has learned just how much of a renaissance man he was and all of the amazing things that he invented . She loves that he was fascinated by puzzles and codes . Her only sadness is that we can 't just visit the Louvre ourselves . Someday 🙂 | 11 Comments My 8 year old has recently gotten into art . She is starting to have more faith in her abilities and seems to be enjoying the process more than she used to . Last weekend I signed her up for a local art class that was focusing on Pablo Picasso 's Cubist period while creating dogs in his style . I was amazed at the work that they did with such a complicated style . J thought hers didn 't come out well , but I explained how unusual Picasso was and showed her some of his work . We also had a few books about him , so I let her explore some on her own . She 's decided that she is not a fan of his Cubist period , but is opening her mind to the broader world of art . One book that was given to us years ago is the book When Pigasso Met Mootisse . In an incredibly creative manner , this book tells a somewhat fictionalized version of the friendship between Picasso and Matisse . While the two were never neighbors , they were friends . Unfortunately , they also were in a bit of competition in the art world at the same time and said some means things to each other . What is outstanding about this book is the art and how it showcases both artists and their different styles . Picasso 's sharp angles next to Matisse 's soft , realistic paintings highlights how two artists can view the same thing in completely different ways . I also knew that somewhere in the house we had a biography on Picasso . Written in 1984 , the picture book biography by Ibi Lepscky focuses on Picasso 's youth . He was moody and liked to collect things . His mother , in particular , didn 't understand him and was frustrated by the messes that he often made . His father was not often around , as he himself was an artist and spent all of his free time painting . When his mother felt like she could no longer handle him on her own , she got his father involved and he realized that Picasso had an amazing artistic talent . While a simplistic telling of his younger years , it is interesting to see how misunderstood Picasso was as a child and how important it was to have someone finally see his potential . Of course looking at these books and encouraging J to understand Picasso more also made me curious about a book series I had seen at her school library . They have a series of books called Getting to Know the World 's Greatest Artists . When I was volunteering on Monday I checked out the Picasso book . If you are looking for a great way to teach kids about artists , this is it ! With a mix of photographs , art samples , and illustrations , kids can really get a sense of the artist . Picasso was an artist who tried many different styles based on where he was in his life and this book does a great job of explaining his different " periods . " The pages on Cubism were great for J to see and understand , but the whole book itself is quite impressive . " The Jellybeans " is a series that is at its core about friendship . The basic concept is that there are four girls who each have different passions but realize that that doesn 't mean that they can 't also be friends . They meet each other in The Jellybeans and the Big Dance and then continue to grow through three other books , each focusing on one of the girls . In the first book Emily notices that the first letters of their names spell out " beans " and she brings the group together by sharing jellybeans with the group . Both my 5 year old and my 8 year old LOVE these books . The stories are sweet and each girl can see herself in the characters . I love these books too . It is great to see four friends who are so different ( and also represented by four different animal species ) manage to find their common ground and support each other so beautifully . The first book in the series is The Jellybeans and the Big Dance . In this book , the main focus is on Emily who loves to dance . She dances while waiting for the bus , while watching TV , even while brushing her teeth . One day she goes to a new dance class full of excitement , but is discouraged to discover that the three other girls in the class are not as excited to be taking the class . Nicole would rather be playing soccer , Bitsy would rather be painting and Anna just has her nose in a book . When one accidentally knocks into their dance cubbies and knocks their name tags down , Emily notices that the first letters of their names spell out " bean . " While she thought that was funny , no one else seems to care . By their fourth class , Emily just feels frustrated . Her mother tries to cheer her up by taking her to the local candy store and once inside she gets the brilliant idea to buy all of the girls a bag of jellybeans in the hopes that perhaps she could find a way to bring the girls together . Her idea worked and then each girl uses her own strengths to bring something special to their dance recital . When Emily has a moment of stage fright , the other girls band together and support her and the performance goes off without a hitch . My favorite of all of the books is The Jellybeans and the Big Book Bonanza . This book focuses on Anna who is an avid reader who love spending time at the local library . One day the girls ' teacher assigns them all a book report and Anna is excited to bring her friends to her favorite place . But when they get there , each girl complains about how they would rather be doing something else . Even so , the librarian knows that books also come in lots of different flavors and helps each girl find a book that she likes . When they go to give their book reports the next day , Anna gets scared . She loves books , but is not so thrilled about public speaking . Just as she had helped her friends discover books , they stood by her to support her through her report . In her report , she sums it up perfectly . My youngest daughter has a special soft spot for the book The Jellybeans and the Big Art Adventure . This book focuses on Bitsy and her love of art . In this book , the owner of the local candy store that sells their beloved jellybeans asks the girls to paint a mural on her wall . All of Bitsy 's friends think that they can 't paint , so they took a trip to the art museum and each girl realized that there were many kind of art that appealed to their different sensibilities . After visiting the museum , each girl was excited to create their own art , but suddenly Bitsy had artist 's block . Of course her friends came to her rescue and encouraged her to believe in herself . Finally , The Jellybeans and the Big Camp Kickoff focuses on athletic Nicole and her love of soccer . When the girls go to sleep - away camp together , everyone finds tons of things to do . When they are encouraged to take a class or participate in a group activity , everyone finds something , except Nicole , because while camp Pook - A - Wow has a lot of sports , they don 't have a soccer team . Nicole tried tons of other sports , but just didn 't like them . Her friends come to her aid by starting a camp soccer team , even though they don 't know how to play . While it isn 't our favorite of the Jellybean books , it continues to shine on the fact that we are our best when we are with our friends and supporting each other . Both of my girls really enjoy the Jellybean books . They are sweet and having wonderful messages . Most kids , particularly girls , can find themselves in the pages of these books , but they also learn the lesson that sometimes they need to try new things to not only grow themselves , but to help support a friend . If you haven 't already checked out the Jellybean books , you should definitely take a look ! | 2 Comments When we first opened the pages of Willow , the strains of Harry Chapin Carpenter 's " Flowers Are Red " floated through my head . Given that this was a favorite song from my youth , I was immediately captivated by this book . Multiple readings with my 4 year old only made the book that much better . Willow is the story of a little girl with a big imagination and a deep love of art . The only problem is that her art teacher cares more for order and conformity than for creativity . With today 's climate of teachers being so limited by new rules and regulations and a need to teach to the test rather than inspire and focus on creativity , this book really touched home . Every day when the kids entered their art class , the room felt cold and definitely devoid of creativity . Their art teacher , Miss Hawthorne , isn 't what you would expect from an elementary school art teacher . She expects the room to be in order with nothing out of place and no broken crayons . Each week Miss Hawthorne gives them assignments with an example of what she would like to see . Then all of the children in the class copy what she does . " Everyone except Willow . " Willow takes the assignment and then paints what she sees when she closes her eyes . Each time Willow gets told things like trees are not pink and apples are not blue . This is a marvelous book that encourages children of all ages to use their imaginations and to believe in themselves . It is also a good way to see that famous artists often saw things outside of the box and created fabulous works that viewed the world in different ways . It is through art that we can have pink trees swaying in the breeze . It is through art that you can combine parts of many different animals into one . My 4 year old loves this book because she has a very vivid imagination . My 8 year old has started to enjoy art more and this is a nice way to encourage her to believe in her own vision and start wanting to visit art museums with us . As Harry Chapin Carpenter said | Leave a comment Every once in awhile you find an author that just clicks with your child . For E , one of our current favorites is Leo Lionni . His books appeal to both of us with wonderful artwork and lessons . Without being pedantic , his books talk about issues of community and creativity , encouraging children to make the most of their world while also making the world a better place . A few weeks ago , we randomly pulled " A color of his own " off of our shelf . This sweet book is about a little chameleon who struggles with the fact that all of the other animals have a color of their own while he changes colors wherever he goes . He even tries to stay in one place so that he can stay one color , but picks a leave the changes colors with the season and then falls to the ground . When he meets another chameleon , he learns that true identity comes from who you are rather than what you look like . The world may change around you , but being true to yourself and embracing who you are makes you a happier person in the long run . What a beautiful sentiment . Since I loved the message in his story and because E loved the artwork and the simplicity , we hunted down more books . The only other book that we own is the Alphabet Tree , which is above E 's level , but worth mentioning . This book teaches how letters come together to make words and how words come together to make sentences and how powerful our words and thoughts can be . The letters need to band together to form words so that they can stay on their tree when the wind blows , but they learn that a strong message will take them even further . The final message is one of peace . Truly beautiful and great to repeat to young children to place the crumb of the power of words in their heads . Fish is Fish is a very cute story about a tadpole and a minnow who are inseparable . As the tadpole starts to change into a frog , the fish doesn 't understand because " how could you be a frog if only last night you were a little fish ? " Then the frog goes away and experiences the world outside of the water . When he returns , he tells the fish all of the extraordinary things he has seen . The fish 's imagination runs wild and the illustrations that go with this are some of the best in the book . The fish can 't stop thinking of all the things above land and feels that he must go see them for himself , not thinking about the fact that he can 't breathe or move on land . Luckily the frog saves him when fish jumps out of the pond . Back in his home , fish realizes that he is surrounded by spectacular beauty of his own . Sometimes it is hard for children and adults to hear our friends ' experiences and not wish that we could do what they do , but Fish is Fish reminds us that finding happiness and making joy in our own worlds is the way to experience life . Frederick is a fabulous take on the classic Ant and the Grasshopper fable . Frederick is a mouse who lets all of the other members of his family do the work during the fall to keep them alive during the cold winter months . When they ask him why he isn 't helping , he always has some artistic response - " I gather sun rays for the cold dark winter days , " or " I gather words for when we run out of things to say . " Winter comes and when the mouse family does start to run out of food and grows tired of their boring surroundings they turn to Frederick and ask about his supplies . He paints images with words to bring warmth , color and beautiful poetry to their lives . One of many books by Leo Lionni that highlights how important the arts are . In the same vein , Matthew 's Dream is a story that explores art and the artist 's role in shaping our visions and our dreams . Young Matthew 's parents want him to get a good job and provide for them . One day he visits the art museum with his class for the first time and Matthew is blown away by what he sees . That night , he dreams that he is walking in an abstract painting . When he wakes up , he realizes that he wants to be an artist himself . Given the fact that we keep taking the arts out of our children 's education , this is a wonderful reminder of just how important art is . The concept of the book is that a little girl wakes up to a gray drab world - " Where did all the colors go ? " Outside she finds individual colors , but everything is all one color . After two primary colors meet , the next page is a secondary color . When the secondary colors join her and the primary colors , they are able to paint a beautiful picture with all of the colors in the world . What was wonderful about this is that it was a way to get E excited about primary and secondary colors . She loves " cooking " and mixing food coloring in water and seeing what colors they will make , but I also wanted her to see the colors more vividly using paint . So today , we got down and dirty with our fingers exploring how mixing colors worked .

I have officially arrived at AIS . And it is , to say the least , completely and utterly awesome . My dorm is really , really awesome . The people are really varied . Some of them , at first , were somewhat intimidatingly strange , but I 'm already adjusting to thinking of the oddballs as " normal , " and I think it wouldn 't take very long for me to start thinking of them as friends . Anyways , I 'm trapped here for the day due to the whole hurricane beeswax . I was sitting lazily in the lounge right outside my room . Then I wandered into someone else 's room , where she talked about her lab job and what things are available for painting . Then Yuma showed up , and I briefly communicated with him , then left him and Victor sitting in the lounge when I went up a floor to an even that is being called " Physics and Coffee . " I haven 't seen any coffee yet , but there are donuts , and there appears to be some sort of donut - shaped cake . Hopefully Yuma is managing himself alright . I suspect he 's capable of that sort of thing . There are a couple of girls here who got temped in other dorms but have pretty much been spending all of their time at my dorm . For some reason , I find them bothersome , but I think that 's just because over - earnestness annoys me . At least , I think that 's the problem . There is an upright piano in the lounge . An international student whose name I 've forgotten is doing math on the board . Something about number theory and bose distributions . . . COFFEE TIME I 'm through the roof excited for AIS . Just like before I left for RSI this summer , I 'm spending so much energy being excited that I 'm not bothering to savor what I have . But , then , there 's not all that much to savor beyond solitude , and I 've certainly been savoring plenty of that . Well , there 's Nyx , who is currently at her second to last day of work , but I 'm probably going to sleep over at her house tonight , and I 'll be bothering the heck out of her these coming days , so I 'm not missing anything right this second . Julie is in Michigan visiting Timothy , and Cammie is already at college , and Kathrya is long gone , so no dice there . Yuma is around , but I 'll see him in a week anyways . There are a few other people , but no one that I 'm desperate to see , no one I 'm going to be striving to keep up with in the coming years . I ended up sitting for probably more than an hour in a powwow circle with Yuma , Argon , and Nimue . It had been quite some time since I 'd talked to Argon and Nimue , so that was certainly nice . It was strange to hear about high school again , because it feels like graduation was a lifetime ago . The senior summer flew by , but , at the same time , it feels like this is the only existence I 've ever known , if that makes even the slightest bit of sense . I 'm crossing my fingers for Argon getting into AIS . He deserves it if anybody does ( though he is on my mental list of " people who might end up ditching us for that other , extremely geographically proximate school . That boy really ought to actually join science bowl , because I think his help is going to be desperately needed . In other news , both he and Nimue are taking bucketfuls of AP classes and working on college apps and pretty much sitting right where I was a year ago ( well , slightly different - - Argon has a more rigorous schedule than I did , Nimue 's is less so ) . It feels so distant , though . I 'm a bit worried about getting to college and diving into schoolwork again . I 'm worried my mind has forgotten how to be fully intellectually engaged . She 's our first departure . Well , technically our second , but no one had thought that Kathrya wouldn 't be coming back . I hadn 't even had sufficient time to get used to the haircut , but I suppose that 's what skype is for . Even so , I already miss Cammie and her silliness - - but I know that once I get to AIS , home will be the last thing on my mind . Ah , well . It is what it is , as always . I think I 'm going to try to find a watch and some goggles and swim some laps . It 'd be good for me . I 'm currently helping Cammie pack for school . Well , I 'm using my computer and laughing at occasional funniness . Annika is rooting through all of Cammie 's drawers and digging out everything worth packing . Now Annika has given up on that and is rooting through Cammie 's drawers looking for things to take . I 'm going to attempt to go bouldering tonight . I strongly suspect that I am far to weak and pathetic to succeed at this sort of activity , but I 'm still going to spend $ 7 trying . It 's also another chance to bond with my wonderful high school buddies , and I 'll get to see Nyx , which is a particularly wonderful perk . Gunnar came to visit today . I 've been , of late , focusing on ( in Gunnar 's words ) firming my social ties , or something along the lines of that , with my high school friends . This means that Gunnar got hauled over to Cammie 's house ( he declared that Cammie is " interesting , " and it sounded like he meant " in a good way " and not " ummm " ) to watch her pack . Cammie , after all , is leaving town to go to college on Friday , which is , as you might be aware , very , very soon . The three of us eventually became hungry , and as Cammie is not in the possession of particularly much food ( this is a side effect of getting home from Europe less than three days ago ) , we decided to go out for lunch . This was my first ( and , in all likelihood , last ) visit to the Shake Shack . Not that there 's anything wrong with the place - - the food was delicious , and there was an absolutely perfect quantity of it - - but I don 't go out to eat much , and I 'm not going to be here for very many more days anyways . But I did eat a relatively guilt - free meal ( I seem to have dropped half of what I gained this summer , which means that most of it was medication - induced bloat , which makes me extremely happy ) . Gunnar 's family also showed up at the Shake Shack , so I got to see his adorable younger brother again . As we were leaving , we also saw Lucas and Tamir . Cammie stopped to talk to them for a while - - well , mostly to talk to Lucas . Gunnar and I stood awkwardly behind Cammie for a minute , uncertain of how the whole ' conversation ' thing ought to proceed . Though Tamir 's conversation was also limited , I believe that he 's less cognizant of a need to avoid social situations in which one is unwanted , so he more or less ignored the awkwardness . Anyways , I said I wanted to call Yuma , so Gunnar and I went outside . I sat on the ledge of the truck 's bed and he stood nearby while I scrolled through my phone . Although I wasn 't in possession of Yuma 's phone number ( Yuma , as it turns out , is not in possession of a phone ) , we decided to crash his house anyways , despite the fact that none of us , least of all Gunnar , knew its precise location . We drove around Paperclip on our way there , and Gunnar , funnily enough , was extremely impressed by the amount of lab space and the number of AP courses offered - - despite the fact that I 've always been very jealous of the kids I know who attended magnet schools . I think perhaps the moral of that is that high school sucks for everyone , so the grass is always greener . . . or something like that . Anyways , then Cammie and I spent a good amount of time trying to explain to Gunnar what it 's like to go to school with stupid people . One of his most significant questions was " how many of them are there ? " to which we more or less said " normal distribution . " We then started relating the antics of Umber 's younger sisters and various other misdeeds . When I apologized to Gunnar later for dragging him along on these trips , he said he was glad to meet my friends because they " showed [ him ] what going to school with stupid people is like . " We 'd been there for about ten minutes when Yuma mentioned that Peter was supposed to be picking him up to take him to Brian 's house in five minutes . I more or less flipped out - - this would poke a huge hole in the " avoid Peter " plan of action - - and Yuma ended up canceling on Brian to chill with the rest of us ( apparently after an entire summer of Brian and Peter time , a change was appreciated ) , which meant that I drove over to Cammie 's house sitting four - across in my pickup truck ( le gasp ) . Julie arrived soon thereafter , and not to long after that I had to bring Gunnar over to Lucas 's house and head home for dinner . All in all , it was a fun day , and it was definitely good to see Gunnar . Now , one more day with Cammie , then a few days of hanging out , then packing while hanging out , and then . . . college . Holy shiznit . We got home yesterday afternoon , and then I lazed about ( / wiped my hard drive and reinstalled my operating system because one of the changes I 'd made left it extremely sluggish ) for the evening . I 'm almost halfway through Winter 's Heart . Weirdly , all I want to do is go clothes shopping , which probably just means that I 'm stressed out and desire retail therapy ( not exactly news ) . My freshman advising folder came out . It included what seminar I 'm taking ( Conversations You Can 't Have on Campus - - should be awesome ) as well as my AP scores ( no news there ) . It also had a downloadable copy of my college application that was meant for my advisor . I , of course , downloaded and read over it . It 's funny to look back at it now . I 'm not sure I 'd do much differently , though I 'd probably have written about energy studies instead of electrical engineering as far as what interests me goes , but , as you can see from the fact that I got in , it didn 't really matter . It did remind me , though ( well , that coupled with all the college - app - related status messages among my senior friends ) that there are a lot of people working on college apps right now , poor things . I should probably do what I did with the RSI app and generate something resembling advice , though maybe not - - there 's certainly a lot more existing college app advice out there than there is RSI app advice . Plus I 'm lazy . I suppose we shall see . I had totally prepared myself in case he started asking me about nuclear stuff , but he didn 't , not at all . Instead , he talked about how he made his college decisions . First Yale because he had family in New Haven . Then Harvard for graduate school . MIT " just wasn 't for [ him ] , " and he wanted to be in Boston because he wanted to marry his wife , who was at Simmons College . So they got married right away , when they were both 20 ( she was two years behind him in school , though ) , and , he said , they weren 't prepared for it , not at all . " Could you imagine that ? " he kept saying . " Married . At twenty ! " Gedit doesn 't work with this version of OS X . Spaces - pretty much my favorite feature of my desktop - doesn 't work with this version of OS X . If my sister 's computer didn 't come with an install disk , I 'm going to attempt to get this baby to revert back to whatever the four - year - old version of OS X is called , because this is infuriating . I don 't fucking care about intuitive operating systems - my laptop is not an iphone . I do not want my laptop to be an iphone , I want my laptop to be a laptop . I like some of the funcitonality - being able to do all those multitouch gestures with the trackpad is nice - but from what I 've seen so far , even getting ubuntu to run on this machine is going to be a trial . Shelby 's being annoying again . She lost her ipod ages ago , refuses to pay to get a new one , and is bugging me to use mine . Well , would be bugging me - I gave her a very curt " no " , and she fortunately decided not to pursue the subject , so I get to continue to be angry here . Greg 's probably going to text me immediately telling me to switch to Windows . I 'm going to install it - just need to decide how big to make the partition . I have 750 GB to work with , just need to figure out the proper allocations . This is going to turn into a triple booted machine , I think . This fucking Lion thing is just annoying me too much . Although maybe I 'll cave and pay the $ 20 for the downgraded version . . . all I know is that I want more customization than exists here . I want to be able to pull up an easily navigable display of all my windows with a key stroke , not the godawful application stacks I 'm currently getting . I also want Spaces back . If I use four virtual desktops on my computer at home - which is at least twice the size of this one - than I bloody well need that many on a screen that is a quarter of the size . Currently , all my windows are piling up , and I 've only even got four open . I 'm used to being able to have full control over my computer . Maybe that 's just the familiarity with an operating system that I 've gained over four years of use - maybe given sufficient time , I 'd become familiar with Lion , and be able to do all those fancy schmancy tricks for desktop utilization . But right now , I don 't have the internet access to search ( fucking planes , charging for internet . . . although this one actually doesn 't have wifi . Shelby keeps going on about how I 'm " sooooo attached " to my laptop , but that 's not accurate . I 'm attached to the internet . . . one of these days I 'm going to have to buy a droid , just to complete the image ) . Ridiculous , isn 't it . I decide to buy the Macbook Pro because I 'm so sick of Windows that I want OS X ( summerbook editing can do that to a girl ) , then I get OS X and decide it 's not to my liking , so I 'm likely going to end up on Linux anyways . Ah , well . I like linux quite a bit , and I 'm going to like being able to have something a little more malleable to work with . Plus the macbook is still shiny , and the keyboard is backlit and the touchpad is a bit nicer ( I think ) than I wouldIt is what it is , I guess . Not much to be done about it , not really , not much can be done beyond complaining . I love the feel of the Mac , I just really , really dislike the new operating system . I really need to get my hands on the previous one , or I need to find someone who knows how to make this one act like the previous one . . . or I 'll install some linux distro that behaves like the previous one . That 's probably the most likely . I 'll just go on complaining , though . It 's not like anyone really minds . Well , if anyone really does mind , it 's not like I 'm forcing them to read . . . seriously , I kept writing this baby even when I thought no one was reading it , and then I have four people tell me they have been . If that doesn 't make a girl feel loved , I really don 't know what would . Crazy people are crazy . I really wish I remembered what the one in the bathroom was going on about . She walked in , smiled at me , and then started going on about how desperately she 'd needed to wash her hands . I ignored her and went into a stall . While I was there , another woman walked in , and Crazy started babbling on about how she was the devotee of some book . This book had taught her to go outside her body , and she 'd been all over the universe , to the stars . It was awesome , and she just wanted to tell us about it . I can 't remember the name of the author or the book , now , but Crazy kept repeating it . I 'm flying away from Hawaii tomorrow . Getting home Monday evening . I really wish we 'd just gone for the two marathon flights - - I want to be done . We left the hotel we 'd been staying at this morning and drove to Volcano National Park . The weather was cold and rainy - - it 's apparently like that all the time there . The volcano was pretty neat , particularly after dark when we could see it glowing , but I 'd really like to be there with someone who actually knows what they 're talking about as far as the geology goes . As it is right now , it 's rather like watching a movie that happens to be right in front of you - - there 's not interaction , and beyond the whole improved visibility thing ( which barely exists in my case , as rain + glasses ! = improved visibility ) . I 'd like to make the trip with a geology geek and be able to listen to them spout off all the exciting facts about the place . Later , we drove around more of the island to the bed and breakfast we 're staying at for the next two nights . I 'd copied down directions from google maps before we left the hotel . The directions mentioned that we would be using " condition restricted roads , " but I 'm from New England , and when I see " condition restricted roads " I think " snow . " And it 's summer , so there 's no snow , so it wouldn 't be a problem ( the fact that we 're in Hawaii and there is never any snow didn 't occur to me ) . As it turns out , they weren 't closed due to these restrictions - - but we were sent down winding backroad after winding backroad , including a four mile stretch of dirt road where the turn at the end - - to a different , unmarked dirt road - - was identified solely by the fact that our car 's mile marker had changed by the amount that it should have . Then , about a mile later , the dirt path changed abruptly to a paved single - lane road , and a small sign pointed the way to the inn . When we arrived , there was a well - lit " Welcome " sign that had our names underneath the names of the rooms we had booked ( each room had the last name of the resident written in expo marker underneath ) . We were still somewhat confused , though - - after all , what kind of hotel wouldn 't require you to check in ? - - so we walked around looking for someone to check in with . We managed to end up in the kitchen of the people who run the place ; we said " oh , we wanted to check in , " and they looked at us like we were completely insane . The keys had been left in the doors for us , and we were apparently just supposed to go right in and make ourselves at home , information be damned . When we got to the building we were actually staying in - - called the Pagoda , or something like that - - there was a sign directing us to take off our shoes before entering , and a considerable number of shoes were already outside . It was completely nuts . Sure , this is in the middle of nowhere , but people just leaving their stuff around ( there 's no safe in the room , naturally ) , and leaving the rooms unlocked , and just dropping one 's shoes with no compunction for whether or not the other guests decide they look like fair game - - maybe I 've spent too much time compulsively locking my bike up , or just too much time in Boston and not enough in Hicksville - - but it just seems crazy to me . I have no idea what I 'm going to do with my laptop tomorrow ( probably bury it in my suitcase so it 's unobtrusive ( did I mention that there aren 't enough shelves to actually unpack ? ) ) , but I 'm way to paranoid for this place . I keep expecting them to break out into new age " feel the healing power of the waterfall " stuff ( they haven 't yet , thank goodness , but one never knows ) . It gives me the heebie - jeebies . Speaking of creepiness , Cammie posted a fun zombie apocalypse chain thingy . As far as I go , my sidekick is Nyx ( though I strongly suspect that , in actuality , she would be the one doing the ass - kicking and I 'd be the one standing on the sidelines and flipping out ) . Vanessa will be providing the heavy weapons ( I 'm pretty sure she wouldn 't actually do that , but it 'd be pretty fucking awesome if she did ( or " ducking awesome " , as my phone would say ) ) . Gopika is the idiot who survives ( ironic , given that I count her among the most intelligent people I know ) . Hyunmi is the sniper ( yeah , I can 't really see that happening . . . ) . Jared is the one who loses it ( yeah , gotta say I could see him in any of the " kill the zombies ! " roles much more than I see him in this one ) . Zsa is the brains ( valid ) and Zorah is the first to die ( = ( Quite the learning experience , wasn 't this ? I 'm still not used to the new OS . I suspect that I 'll eventually become so accustomed to it that switching to the old one will be a hassle - - maybe I 'll even install Lion on my desktop , though I strongly suspect that I 'm too much of a cheapskate - - but right now the transition is frustrating . I don 't want a more intuitive OS , I want the one that I 'm used to . Honestly , ubuntu would probably have less of a learning curve for me right now , but this is what I 've got , and I 'm not sure I want to mess up another computer 's hard drive with failed partitions . Maybe I 'll try to get James to help me partition it when we get to school . . . although I think he 's not used to Macs . There goes my tech help . . . well , there goes my already known tech help . This is [ college ] . If I can 't find someone to help me with my computer , I am definitely doing something wrong . Okay , I need to pack now . These posts have been lame , but at least I 'm writing something . Well , I 'll just keep telling myself that . Maybe eventually it 'll turn true . We flew from Maui to the big island ( The Big Island ? ) today , which was a flight only slightly longer than the one I took from LA to Santa Barbara a week ago . There 's a lot of volcanic rock here . At least , I think that 's what it is . I can 't imagine what else could cover everything the eye can see ( except the ocean ) in crumbling darkness . I can 't get over how easy this keyboard types . I mean , in theory , the keyboard on my desktop should be the same , but this just feels so much smoother . Maybe I just got too used to the keyboards in the Athena clusters - - but I 'll be back in those soon enough , so I suppose it all works out . I really need to figure out how to get ahold of the next Wheel of Time book while I 'm still here , because I really don 't want to think about getting through the six hour plane ride to San Francisco without one . We 're stuck in some far - off corner of resortyness , though , and I 'm not sure what the major booksellers are our here anyways . I 'm going to have to come up with some more creative googling . Just because there 's not Barnes and Nobles doesn 't mean there 's no anything . . . right ? Dad 's pronunciation of all the hawaiian words is atrocious . He gets the first letter - - - sometimes even the first syllable - - - correct , and the last vowel , typically , but then all the letters in between turn into some sort of monkeyish jabbering . It 's hilarious , and it drives Genie beserkers . We drove the Hana ( Hanna ? Hannah ? ) Highway today , which meant that we went all the way around Maui in our rented minivan . We visited a lot of waterfalls , spent a lot of time in the car , swam in some pools and drove down the twistiest , most beautiful road I 've ever seen while singing whatever songs my sisters and I could remember the words to . It was wonderful . Now I 'm back at our condo , sleeping on the couch ( well , I will be sleeping , once I get off of the computer and wash up and crawl into bed , which I expect won 't be for a while since Shelby is currently in the shower ) . There 's not really anyone online to talk to - - the time difference takes care of that . I started A Crown of Swords today , which is wonderful but a bit depressing , since it 's currently focusing on Perrin and Faile , and I keep thinking about the awful mess that they 're going to end up embroiled in , which makes me sad , not to mention how many books it is before Rand 's craziness issue is going to be improved upon . I 'm not sure if the books get darker , or if it 's just that the plot lines developing now hadn 't been resolved at the point where I last stopped reading , but the darkness of the story is suddenly bothering me a lot more . I need to decide whether to go back to frisbee club when I get home . On the one hand , I need the exercise , I 've missed playing , I had a lot of fun with it this spring , and it will make it 100 % clear to Peter that I 'm not avoiding him without me having to actually spend any time sorting things out with just him . On the other hand , I really would prefer not to have to deal with seeing Peter , because I strongly suspect that however over it I am now , seeing him is going to destroy that resolve ( I mean , seeing Dawson did that to a certain extent iPosted by Right before I woke up this morning , I dreamt that I was leaving for college . But , for some reason , the place I was leaving looked exactly like MIT ( minus the fact that the dorm was more ' generic dorm ' than ' Simmons hall ' ) . I was looking for Cammie and Kathrya and Nyx to say goodbye to them , and Dad was waiting for me . I 'd already said goodbye to Julie , as well as some random small child who was somehow someone else I was going to miss . Jared , for whatever reason , was walking with me the entire time , and I knew I wasn 't going to actually say goodbye to him until Dad and I pulled away in the car . Then I woke up . Other than the obvious - - i . e . I 'm going to be leaving behind my own childhood - - I 'm not sure there 's anything deeply symbolic , but I did remember the damn thing . In other news , I can list off the top of my head everything I 've eaten since waking . I 'm not sure whether that worries me , but I 'm fairly certain that it should . I swam in the waves , today ; they 're a lot bigger than the ones at home . I had some fun attempts at body surfing and a generally good time . I also finished Lord of Chaos , which means that I 'll probably be starting in on book seven tonight . Isam would be proud . Posted by I have no idea how to lose weight . I 'm pretty good at gaining it ( oreos . Lots of oreos . Also , chocolate and ice cream ) . I know how to keep it steady ( live at home and give no thought to what I 'm eating . Avoid spending too much time in Cammie 's kitchen ) . But losing it ? I have a general idea of where to begin - - consume less total calories while burning more of them - - but little idea of how to actually manage it . Currently , I 'm working off of " three meals a day , all snacks are fruit . " Before , it was no snacks , but I decided that was a terrible idea . Also , I 've already bent the snack rule to have some snap pea crisps and pistachios , which were yummy . Plus , the snap peas were green and therefore healthy ( I know I 'm deluding myself . Please don 't ruin it for me ) . I also spent half an hour swimming laps , and I intend to repeat that . The issue is that I don 't know how much balances out how much . Like , am I actually eating less ? Or am I just eating healthier ? Does it matter ? Will excercise alone be enough if it does ? Also , how long is this going to take ? Am I going to manage to eat in a remotely healthy fashion when I get to school , because I really don 't want to turn into more of a lard - ass than I already am . The biggest issue , I think , is going to be in the Fall . Also , developing enough self - control , and figuring out how best to manipulate myself to achieve these ends . I 'm not sure that " be healthy ! " is sufficient ( i . e . it 's not sufficient , not at all ) . I 'm wary of making it into an issue of self - control , though I suspect that 's going to be what finally works . Right now , I feel relatively in control of the direction my life has taken ; I made my own decision about where I 'd be come September , and I 'm comfortable with that decision and don 't feel an excessive need to micromanage my life . The weight gain thing feels like an issue of self - control , which worries me . At the same time , when I get to college , I 'm going to be introducing a lot of new stressors into my life . I 'm worried that if the academics get tough , or if the sociaPosted by Hawaii as a state seems lovely . The geography rather absurd - - many changes over very small distances - - but pretty darn cool . I need to figure out if the RSI 2010 Rickoid whose nickname I forget ( I don 't dare attempt to open googledocs and access my spreadsheet on the tenuous thread that is my current internet connection ) . I miss my Ricklings , though . I 'm a bit surprised at the volume of my post - RSI depression - - - for some reason I 'd thought it wouldn 't be as bad this year . I 'd talked with Jared about it , and we 'd both agreed that this year we weren 't as emotionally involved and would hardly be upset at all . The amount of crying I did the last day definitely belied that statement , as did the fact that I was too depressed to sleep the following night ( so many empty rooms . . . ) . My internet connection is shit . This is incredibly frustrating . I always forget how dependent I am on high - speed wifi until I no longer have it . That said , my new macbook pro is phenomenally shiny , as I demonstrated for everyone in a recent bedcheck by holding it and its built - in webcam up to a mirror . So much shiny . Lots and lots of shiny . I really need to get it a hard shell to protect it from scratches . And maybe a plastic sheet for the screen , and definitely a keyboard cover . If this baby is going to get me through the next four years , I need to be nice to it from day one . In other news , I 'm too lazy to unpack and my clothing is accumulating . Snorkeling was fun and I saw a shark . I continue to believe that snorkeling should be spelled snorkling . I 'm really hungry ( this whole ' dieting ' thing doesn 't agree with me , but I 'm pretty sure that just plain ' eating healthy ' is not going to make me drop the 10 lbs I picked up , and I really don 't want to continue to have the weird gut I currently have going ) . The Wheel of Time is awesome . Hawaii is pretty . I want dinner . Life is good .

DD5 is having a very smart mouth lately . She is corrected every single time , and told it is not OK to speak that way . And I give her a more appropriate way to say what she is trying to say ( if it applies ) . This is not working . We have tried timeouts and taking things away , too . She seems to thrive on negative attention she gets from it . We have also tried ignoring it . . . . didn 't work either . This is all new to us because DS has never had any behavior problems . What types of punishments or techniques have worked for you ? My oldest gets worse with punishment , which is what drove me to re - evaluate my whole parenting paradigm . When you give her a do - over with a script , how does she respond ? In what situations and how , specifically , is she disrespectful ? Also , my kids ' attitude and behavior often take a nose dive with too much screen time . Over the years , certain peers seem to also exacerbate the tendency . She will repeat the do - over when I tell her . I think some of the things she says , she doesn 't even understand what they mean . She does realize that they aren 't nice though . Today for example , I told her to not let the dogs in her room , her response was " quit irritating me ! " . I don 't think she quite knows what irritate means , but she did know it wasn 't nice to say . This afternoon DH told her to be quiet for a minute , her response was " Well , you need to be quiet , too " . This is obviously not acceptable to say . She has been doing other things lately , too . Like coloring on the underside of the school table , she colored on the laptop earlier today , and hitting her friends . So far I correct etc . as things come up but whenever that doesn 't work , I turn to Raising A Thinking Child . http : / / www . amazon . co . . . s / dp / 0671534637I have an alternate reason to why it works : having to stand still or sit with me and discuss the issue at hand is so boring , child resolves to mend his way . A similar situation in response to the " But daaaaaaaad " arguments is presented in Rosemond 's book 6 somthingorother for happy , etc children . He 'd make the kid rewind and discuss the whole thing from the beginning every time it generated into whining . Kid gives up whining to get what they want . I 'd spank her . : iagree : Honestly , I would give a warning for a smart mouth and just say , " The next time you are disrespecful , you are going to get a spanking with the spoon . " I would give her a hug and a kiss and then go get the spoon and set it down beside me . If you have ever spanked before , then she 'll believe you and it will be done . Where is she picking up the attitude and words from ? I would cut her off from the source , whether its TV , friends , movies - if you do daycare , is she picking it up from the kids that visit ? Or , is she picking up stuff from you ? My kids were very different and my son has always had a temper that is difficult for him to control . Tantrums are just part of his personality . When he was little and he starting understanding swear words , he imitated them when he was upset and angry . We weren 't going to allow that . . . but we compromised with him , made a deal so to speak . He was allowed to use one swear word . . . . it was " bumhead " . It made him feel great , and it wasn 't actually offensive to us . Swearing hasnt been an issue since then . There is a time and place for strict punishment , but it needs to fit in with the child 's personality . One thing I have tried to be careful of is going " against " my kids . . . . as in , I would rather they trust me and stay open to me , and me be more lenient with them , than be so strict that they act up only behind my back . I don 't know your whole family dynamics , but I would work " with " your daughter rather than directly against her . Try and get her on side . Is she sometimes funny and witty ? I would honour that , while guiding her in how and when to use her talent . It is a talent , really . . . just a misdirected one . : iagree : Honestly , I would give a warning for a smart mouth and just say , " The next time you are disrespecful , you are going to get a spanking with the spoon . " I would give her a hug and a kiss and then go get the spoon and set it down beside me . If you have ever spanked before , then she 'll believe you and it will be done . Yep , warning and a talking first offense . Spank , then another little talk and some hugs . I 'd spank her . We have tried that , and it doesn 't seem to have an effect . I actually swatted her on the butt at the grocery store last weekend ( she wasn 't listening ) and she told me " that didn 't hurt " . Ugh ! And I tend to be a mad spanker . . . as in I don 't do it calmly , so it 's more the result of my anger than an effective punishment . Where is she picking up the attitude and words from ? I would cut her off from the source , whether its TV , friends , movies - if you do daycare , is she picking it up from the kids that visit ? Or , is she picking up stuff from you ? My daycare kids are all under 2 1 / 2 , so it 's not from them . But about a month ago she started preschool at a local church , for a couple hours each morning . She really is enjoying it , but maybe she 's picking up some bad behaviors there . . . . or the bad behaviors she had already are getting worse . Back to top I agree with taking away the source and the swat on the bottom . For a swat to work it does have to sting . In your situation , I would take away a treat , assuming you have treats often enough that you can take them away . A few years ago I had to serve dessert every night so that I had something to take away in order to make a point with a child . He learned very quickly . Dirty mouths don 't get tasty food . Well , anger spankings are no good , that 's for sure . But butt swats are not spankings . Don 't get me wrong , I think the Pearls are sickos , but if you 're going to spank , the purpose is for it to hurt . And on the butt only . I always got results with spankings , but the spanking window is very narrow . I 'd say that at five you 've still got room . But again , swats are not spankings . Have you practiced appropriate language with her ? When she is in a good mood , tell her what is acceptable and what isn 't . Then have her practice . Give her ample opportunity to practice her new words . When we tell our dc something , we expect to hear , " Yes , Mom . " Cheerfully . That is all . No arguing , no commentary , no whining , no complaining . When it was brand new for them , we used the above approach . I was very surprised with my dc how well this worked . Still does . As another poster asked , where is she getting this language ? " Stop irritating me " ? ? ? That wouldn 't fly with anyone around our home . . . not tv , not a guest , no adults would ever say it . Kids don 't make this stuff up . . . they hear it from someone . I just saw that was answered . . . I 'd bring her back home . Well , anger spankings are no good , that 's for sure . But butt swats are not spankings . Don 't get me wrong , I think the Pearls are sickos , but if you 're going to spank , the purpose is for it to hurt . And on the butt only . I always got results with spankings , but the spanking window is very narrow . I 'd say that at five you 've still got room . But again , swats are not spankings . Totally agree . I have spanked my three boys , maybe 6 times altogether . Never in anger , but firmly in charge . Once they know that you are serious , the poor behavior will stop , or at least lessen . My dd sat on the stairs and when she was older to her room . She eventually got tired of being sent away . My ds acted like nothing mattered but really it did . Whatever you do , don 't stop . She 'll get tired of it . Work it out now , it won 't get easier . But she 'll always be cute ! Back to top We have tried that , and it doesn 't seem to have an effect . I actually swatted her on the butt at the grocery store last weekend ( she wasn 't listening ) and she told me " that didn 't hurt " . Ugh ! And I tend to be a mad spanker . . . as in I don 't do it calmly , so it 's more the result of my anger than an effective punishment . This is very difficult and I sympathize . But what you have to do is actually the opposite of what you are doing . Don 't be mad , but spank harder . Expressed anger ( of course your angry , but don 't yell ) takes away your validity . A kid does NOT respect an out of control parent . On the other hand , a spanking , given in love , still has to hurt . This is very difficult and I sympathise . But what you have to do is actually the opposite of what you are doing . Don 't be mad , but spank harder . Expressed anger ( of course your angry , but don 't yell ) takes away your validity . A kid does NOT respect an out of control parent . On the other hand , a spanking , given in love , still has to hurt . Yep . My sister kept asking me why my kids were so well behaved ( not cowed , not terrified of me , not angry ) I told her I spanked when necessary . She said that didn 't work for her . I understood once I saw her half heartedly tap her kid on the rump . That 's what I do with my kids - for anything involving the mouth - lying , back talk , etc . It works like a charm . I think I only did it once with dd 1 - a handful of times with dd 2 and maybe 3 times with ds 1 . We will see how long it ds 2 when we get there . You can do a spray bottle for good coverage or an eye dropper . Or anything really . My ds had the same problem when he was 5 yo . I realized he was trying to express himself , and didn 't really know how to put the words together correctly . He still does occasionally . I sat him down and explained to him that he needs to say it in a different way / tone . I told him I will tell him when he does it , and what he needs to say differently . That didn 't always work , so I would have him go into time out . He could only get out after his time was up , and he would also have to give me a new more polite way to say whatever it was he said . It took about 6 months or so , but it did pay off . We have a paddle . . . just like schools did when I was a kid . I refuse to ever use a belt or any such thing because I was absued with a belt as a child by my dad . However , the kids get to an age where my swat on the bottom through their clothes does not sting at all . So . . . we got the paddle . It is effective . The kids SEE the paddle and stop immediately . My 5 year old has had maybe 3 spankings in his life . . . but he is a child that is hurt more by seeing " disappointment " in mom and dad than he is a spanking . My oldest , spankings were all that worked to stop the behavior when he was younger . I would definitely get this behavior under control while she is little . When she is older ( say . . . 9 ) , that smart mouth can get WAYYYY worse . Ask me how I know . . . She has been doing other things lately , too . Like coloring on the underside of the school table , she colored on the laptop earlier today , and hitting her friends . Is something bothering her ? Was there a change in her routine or her diet ? My kids will sometimes act that grumpy if they are upset about something else . They tend to be kind of stoic , but once I realize something 's up and fish it out of them , we can process that , and that side effect behavior of snapping at loved ones goes away . How about a little coarse salt in the mouth ? That cured spitting on siblings here in just one day . It is really gross and not nearly as bad as a hot sauce ( my friend did this ) . Of course , I usually recommend a spanking when talking doesn 't get the job done . I have 3 girls , older , and one 5 year old . He 's recently been " sassy " and told me various things that are disrespectful . I might have spanked my daughter , but have somewhat changed my methods . I think there is nothing wrong for spanking , but here 's the question . " Do you feel any guilt about spanking ? " If so , think of something else . To be effective , you have to be willing to spank each and every time , hard enough for it to be more than just a casual , " ow " . He 's " grounded " from something like Wii that night . I am calmer than calm . I just say something about how that is rude and disrespectful and one of the things he 's not allowed to say . I then say something to the effect of . . . . saying that means that you get grounded from the Wii tonight . Sorry you made that choice . Then , no matter what is said . . . . no Wii . If he chose to argue , I 'd give one warning , with a . . . . if you argue more , no Wii tomorrow . I 'm pretty sure that this will be how we deal with it . No hot sauce . . . No horseradish ( that 's what my mom used . . . supposedly it 's good for your digestions ) BUT , I do a " punishment " because . . . well . . . I want to make sure it 's not worth it . I don 't have a mental problem with spanking , and we still have one thing I 'll spank for . . . . ( hurting others ) but everything else . . . I talk about . . . ground and time out . . . I give lots of choices . . . and try to ask how he 's going to deal with the situation . . . . Washing their mouth out with soap can work wonders for some children . It cured ds from spitting on his sister with just one washing ! Our pastor and his wife made their dc actually bite the soap , I just use a very soapy rag . God Bless ! Hobbes seemed to thrive on negative attention at that age too . I started the ( counterintuitive ) practice of giving him positive attention . So , for some kind of rudeness , I would take him to me and give him a big cuddle , or hug him on my lap . I would tell him how much I loved him , then would gently remind him that he was part of the family , and we all needed to show respect to each other . Strange though it sounds , it really worked , and within days his behaviour began to improve . The way I see it : time outs were pushing him away from me and out of the family . The further away he felt , the harder he tried ( unconsciously ) to get a reaction out of us by bad behaviour . The cuddles brought him back into the family , making him want to follow our rules . My daycare kids are all under 2 1 / 2 , so it 's not from them . But about a month ago she started preschool at a local church , for a couple hours each morning . She really is enjoying it , but maybe she 's picking up some bad behaviors there . . . . or the bad behaviors she had already are getting worse . Maybe she 's picking it up from you . Not trying to disrespect you , but if you spank in anger perhaps you also have a sassy mouth . Often when I see bad behaviors in my children it 's like I 'm looking in a mirror ( and I cringe . ) Hobbes seemed to thrive on negative attention at that age too . I started the ( counterintuitive ) practice of giving him positive attention . So , for some kind of rudeness , I would take him to me and give him a big cuddle , or hug him on my lap . I would tell him how much I loved him , then would gently remind him that he was part of the family , and we all needed to show respect to each other . Strange though it sounds , it really worked , and within days his behaviour began to improve . The way I see it : time outs were pushing him away from me and out of the family . The further away he felt , the harder he tried ( unconsciously ) to get a reaction out of us by bad behaviour . The cuddles brought him back into the family , making him want to follow our rules . Best wishesLaura What a great attitude you have , Laura . I 've seen so many kids at that age who thrive on negativity . I 'll bet the cuddling and conversation also help put the parent back on track to a more positive outlook , too . To me , soaping or vinegaring the mouth is unthinkable , altho I 've heard of it plenty . In other words , if she 's doing it for attention , make sure she doesn 't get it . I 'd sit her down and explain that the way she is speaking to us is unacceptable . I 'd make sure she understood that , from that moment on , those kinds of comments would result in immediate banishment to her room ( or an uninteresting corner , if that works better ) for a specified amount of time . And maybe also when she goes a certain period of time without blowing it . In other words , if she makes it for an hour without saying anything out of line , I 'd comment on it : It 's nice that you haven 't said anything rude in a while . Keep it up ! My son , especially , has always responded very well to positive reinforcement . Punishment tends to make him just dig in his heels and become increasingly belligerant and unpleasant . Putting him on notice of what we expect and then praising for it ( while isolating for infractions ) seems to be the most effective approach for some kids . It is illegal to beat children in the UK using an instrument , and to be perfectly honest I feel very sick reading this thread . You know , I hadn 't read all the responses before I posted , and I wish I had . I would have stayed out of this entirely . Well , more precisely , I wish I had never read any of it . I agree with you : Reading this makes me want to cry . Maybe she 's picking it up from you . Not trying to disrespect you , but if you spank in anger perhaps you also have a sassy mouth . Often when I see bad behaviors in my children it 's like I 'm looking in a mirror ( and I cringe . ) That 's why I have only spanked one or twice . The guilt is not worth it to me . I don 't have a sassy mouth , and DH , DS , and I don 't talk like that . Like I said , we have raised DS the exact same , and he has never talked back to us . I 'm sure she picks things up from TV , and my plan is to cut that off completely starting today . You know , I hadn 't read all the responses before I posted , and I wish I had . I would have stayed out of this entirely . Well , more precisely , I wish I had never read any of it . I agree with you : Reading this makes me want to cry . Thank you for saying this . The thoughts that stand out in my mind after reading these threads are : spank her , hit her until it hurts , it has to hurt , make her eat soap , make her eat vinegar , that should burn . . . . . . OH MY WORD . I just want to throw up . Dogs get better treatment . I don 't think 5 year old children make these sorts of things up . She hears it from somewhere . Likely the parent . When I hear my young kids saying stuff like that I ignore it and I think more carefully about what I say in front of them . If they get no reaction it isn 't interesting anymore . In other words , if she 's doing it for attention , make sure she doesn 't get it . I 'd sit her down and explain that the way she is speaking to us is unacceptable . I 'd make sure she understood that , from that moment on , those kinds of comments would result in immediate banishment to her room ( or an uninteresting corner , if that works better ) for a specified amount of time . Then , I 'd start praising her when she gets things right : Hey , that 's the way to do it ! I 'm much more likely to enjoy spending time with you and do what you want when you speak to me that way . And maybe also when she goes a certain period of time without blowing it . In other words , if she makes it for an hour without saying anything out of line , I 'd comment on it : It 's nice that you haven 't said anything rude in a while . Keep it up ! My son , especially , has always responded very well to positive reinforcement . Punishment tends to make him just dig in his heels and become increasingly belligerant and unpleasant . Putting him on notice of what we expect and then praising for it ( while isolating for infractions ) seems to be the most effective approach for some kids . This is one of the main things we try , but it seems to make it worse . I can 't figure her out . For example , when I praise her for a good behavior , she will right away do something she 's not supposed to . Usually something not outright obvious . . . . like kicking a blanket on the floor . . . . . just something negative . I really didn 't want this to turn into a " is spanking good or bad " thread . I 'm sure it works for some . It 's just not for us . And it doesn 't work of my DD . I really didn 't want this to turn into a " is spanking good or bad " thread . . Well , the horse is out of the barn on that one . All it takes is one poster for everyone else to form ranks to chastise the people who have used swatting , not beating , as an occassional tool . Now everyone is " sick " and " crying " . I hope that you found something of use in this thead and I wish you the best of luck in this situation . Hobbes seemed to thrive on negative attention at that age too . I started the ( counterintuitive ) practice of giving him positive attention . So , for some kind of rudeness , I would take him to me and give him a big cuddle , or hug him on my lap . I would tell him how much I loved him , then would gently remind him that he was part of the family , and we all needed to show respect to each other . Strange though it sounds , it really worked , and within days his behaviour began to improve . The way I see it : time outs were pushing him away from me and out of the family . The further away he felt , the harder he tried ( unconsciously ) to get a reaction out of us by bad behaviour . The cuddles brought him back into the family , making him want to follow our rules . Best wishesLauraThanks so much for this suggestion ! It seems to me that 5 is an age where many children start to really test their boundaries . DD is definitely thriving on the negative right now and I 'm not enjoying the constant negativity . Time outs just aren 't working and spanking is not an option in our home . I 'm going to try this for the next week what a great way to look at it ! Thank you for saying this . The thoughts that stand out in my mind after reading these threads are : spank her , hit her until it hurts , it has to hurt , make her eat soap , make her eat vinegar , that should burn . . . . . . Yes those things stood out for me too and also made me rather ill . Not sick or crying here . And I am a soap advocate . It only takes once in our house and the potty mouth is gone . What is better , one bitter taste or years of " recorrecting " the language filling your child with resentment toward you because you are constantly " on " them to clean up their language . What is better , one bitter taste or years of " recorrecting " the language filling your child with resentment toward you because you are constantly " on " them to clean up their language . Well , it has never taken years here . In fact , I usually see turnaround in an incredibly brief time . As I said , for some kids , punishment actually entrenches the behavior , because they react so strongly to being treated that way . Certainly , that has been true for my kids . And , in terms of resentment , the people I know who had parents who relied on physical punishments tend to have a lot more resentment than the one whose parents didn 't . Punishments have not worked for smart mouths around here . One child sees it as a challenge she 's more than happy to accept . Another child starts to seek out more and more negative attention . For my particular kids , it has to hurt a little before they " get it , " but I 'm not talking physical pain . They have to feel the pinch of their actions , how it affects them . This is ESPECIALLY true of my oldest , who is 14 . If it doesn 't negatively affect her , she doesn 't get it . In fact , she told me the other day , " You 're a punishing mom . " I said , " What do you mean ? " She said , " When I do something wrong , you punish me . " I said , " Well , you have spent years teaching me that talking to you about problems doesn 't do anything . You only change your behavior when you feel the pinch . I don 't like to feel like I 'm constantly harping on you , so I 've dropped the lectures and gone straight to the effective part . " She grinned sheepishly and said , " Well , you 're right . " Tara One child sees it as a challenge she 's more than happy to accept . Another child starts to seek out more and more negative attention . Bingo ! Right down to explaining how their behavior " teaches " me . I 've explained to my kids that they teach me every day what they need from me . If I ask nicely for them to do something and they ignore me until I yell , they are teaching me that they respond to having me yell at them . So , the next time I need something , I might go directly to the yelling . If they want me to speak to them politely , they need to respond when I do so . When things start to slip , I will sometimes ask nicely first and then , if there is no response ( or an inappropriate one ) , I 'll get the kiddo 's attention ( making eye contact , etc . ) and remind him that I will have to escalate if he does not respond properly . That usually works . And , yes , my son is a very social kid , requiring lots and lots of attention and interaction . I 'd never understood that thing about negative attention being better than none until I had him . But , yes , he will provoke negative interactions if that 's all he can get . So , with him , punishment is more than likely to just set in motion a downward spiral . The only way out is to choose another path . Wow . . . I am so thrilled to hear other parents who spank and not a thread talking about how terrible it is . I am a firm believer in spanking - as long as it is not done in anger , and obviously , appropriately . I look at it this way . Have you EVER heard an adult , whose parents spanked appropriately , not screaming , not abuse , but loving appropriate spanking , who consider what happened to them as a child wrong or abusive . I have NEVER seen or heard of it . My mom chased us around the house yelling at the top of her lungs with a huge wooden spoon . I certainly think that went past " good parenting " but I also know I sure as heck deserved it and I don 't blame her one bit ! There are things I resent about my childhood - the spankings I deserved are not among them and I 've never heard anyone else say different . I HAVE heard others say they probably should have been spanked more ! Back to top My ds had the same problem when he was 5 yo . I realized he was trying to express himself , and didn 't really know how to put the words together correctly . He still does occasionally . I sat him down and explained to him that he needs to say it in a different way / tone . I told him I will tell him when he does it , and what he needs to say differently . Of course , a " punishment " of any kind should only be implemented AFTER you are sure the child understands that a behavior is wrong / not allowed , knows what the expected behavior is and does the " naughty " thing anyway . Well , I think punishment without communication is pointless . I think everyone agrees with the notion that the child must understand why and to what purpose they are undergoing a punishment for it to be effective . Our rule for potty mouth was that it wasn 't for public use . You could go to into the bathroom and say all you wanted into the toilet . They did too ! Our rule for continued misuse of the gift of conversation was that you needed to understand that you had offended others , you apologized and perhaps your mouth needed to be cleansed . We didn 't have to repeat this very often until dc number four asked for the upstairs soap as it tasted better ! I look at it this way . Have you EVER heard an adult , whose parents spanked appropriately , not screaming , not abuse , but loving appropriate spanking , who consider what happened to them as a child wrong or abusive . I have NEVER seen or heard of it . Allow me to introduce myself . I am Sandra . I was spanked as a child " loving appropriate spanking " and I consider it was both wrong and abusive . I love my parents and understand that they did their best with the tools and knowledge they had . That they loved me very much but their method of controlling my behaviour was not appropriate . And I rebelled BIG time when I wasn 't under their control as I had not been taught good self control . When you know better you do better and I know better . Spanking is not appropriate for my children . So now you have heard of someone . . . Me . The only thing that makes me sick is parents who contribute to the self - entitled attitude of their children . Lack of boundaries and self control . We have a bunch of kids who think they are the center of the universe and no one has the right to hurt their feelings or make them * Feel * bad . Lack of dicipline leads to failure in life . Period . There is an enormous difference between spanking and beating or abuse .

byNigel Debonnaire © Frodo Baggins stared out his window at the approaching storm . It was early September , and it seemed the weather that week had gone haywire . He felt the bulge in his trouser pocket ; the Ring of Power seemed to hum to itself as lightning played across the horizon and thunder grumbled in the distance . His friends had gone down to the Ivy Bush for a few pints and songs , but he needed some time alone in peace , thinking it would be a precious commodity he would not be able to enjoy for long . He built a huge fire to contest the weather , since the temperature was dropping in advance of the rain , and closed his windows . After he started the fire , he wandered the halls of Bag End , lost in memory . For most of his adult life , this was his home , and giving it up would be the first sacrifice he would make for the Quest . The bill of sale to the Sackville - Bagginses was drawn up , and soon his friends would load a waggon to take his things to the house in far Crickhollow . He knew he was going farther yet , but knew not where . Every room of Bag End held a memory for him , a place where Bilbo told him a story from his great adventure , a corner where he read a heroic , old Elvish poem , a table where he and Sam Gamgee and their friends whiled away many a long winter 's evening playing cards , the window where Gandalf caught Sam eavesdropping last summer . He ended up back in the front living room , next to his fire , where he put a kettle on . Sam , Merry , Pippin , and the rest would probably burst through the front door any moment ahead of the rain , full of ale and stories from the Ivy Bush . If they didn 't , he knew it would be definitely be a long stormy night alone in the empty hobbit hole . Down the lane next to a thicket , two figures emerged : one tall and one short . The short one was in a hooded elven cloak , his features hidden , but the hands and arms showing were of a gnarled and elderly goblin . The tall figure was elegant , a sunbeam yearning to emerge from behind a cloud . She threw back her cloak to reveal an elvish face and long blond hair , her skin ivory and her eyes two dark almonds . Shaking her head , she looked at her companion : " This had better work . I know I should be grateful I 'm getting laid for the first time in millennia , but a hobbit ? " " Don 't get my hopes up , " she pouted . " It 's no good being the Empress of Darkness if you can never get fucked . I swear they cut more than your finger off the day Mordor fell . " " Silence , bitch . " In the distance , " A Elbereth Gilthoniel " rang out in high , sweet Elvish voices , sailing gracefully through the air . The two stepped back undercover , the short figure grimacing and plugging his ears with his fingers . The tall figure crossed her arms and stood there , tapping her foot in irritation . The booming thunder grew closer and rain started to fall in heavy drops . The song faded into the distance ; she tapped him on the shoulder and they started to emerge again . Pushing her out into the open , he ripped her cloak off , exposing her to the torrent wearing a dingy white dress with gold trim . " Hey , you bastard , " she began . " It doesn 't matter to you , you 'll find out soon enough . In the meantime , knock on his door and tell him the story after it gets dark . Let nature take its course , and by morning our mission will be accomplished . " It grew dark , and the kettle began to sing . Frodo took the pot off the hook and poured the boiling water into his favorite teapot . The rain lashed against the window , and the sky grew darker with the combination of the storm and sunset . " The boys will be staying until this is over , " he said to no one . " They aren 't going to be drownded coming back from the Ivy Bush if they don 't have to . They 'll stay there all night if this keeps up . " He lit a candle and went down the hallway to the library to seek an old scroll to read . A sharp banging on his front door brought him back quickly . He laughed as he imagined his friends outside , freshly drenched . " Caught in the storm , right you dimwits ? " he said as he pulled it open . The sight wasn 't the one he expected : " Please sir , can you help me ? I 'm looking for a hobbit , Frodo Baggins . I have an urgent message for him from Mithrandir . " She was tall and slender , her blond hair plastered to her white dress , her feet were bare and she shivered in the rain and cold . " Come in , come in , I 'm Frodo Baggins , " Frodo said , pulling her through the door . " Let 's get you over by the fire so you can warm up . Can 't stand there cold and wet , can you ? What to do , what do to ? I just made some tea , and I have a little brandy I can put in it . Please . " Bustling her through his entryway was difficult , because she had to stoop over to keep her head from hitting the ceiling . He positioned her by the fire on a low bench , and darted to the kitchen to fetch a bottle . When he came back , she had taken off her dress and sat naked , her dress steaming on the hearth . " Had to get out of the wet clothes , " she said , her voice quivering . " Don 't want to catch a cold . Hope you don 't mind . " Frodo almost dropped the bottle in his hand . He had never seen a female Elf before , and certainly not an unclad one . Her pure white skin glowed red in the firelight , her curves were long and lean except for two conical breasts with puffy nipples dripping moisture from their hard peaks . Frodo knew he was due for an adventure as he approached his 50th birthday , but perhaps it would be at home after all . He had been alone for many years . Many of the hobbit girls of Hobbiton admired Frodo : a healthy , rich hobbit in excellent health , and were willing to consider marriage in spite of the reputation he had for eccentricity . Even Rosie Cotton gave him an interested look one night from behind the bar , although he was too loyal to his friend Sam Gamgee to entertain any thoughts of stepping out with her . His intellectual pursuits were not all pure : his research into Elvish culture included several epic love poems that were very detailed and explicit . He was comfortable alone , but that didn 't mean he didn 't long for soft company on occasion . Shaking his head , he darted back to his closest guest room and returned with a blanket to lay over her shoulders . She was here with a message from Gandalf , and that demanded his first attention , he told himself . " Are you comfortable ? Is there anything I can get you ? " " Yes , right away , how could I have forgotten it ? " He went to uncork his bottle , pouring a little of the dark liquid in a cup before topping it from the teapot . After stirring it , he handed it over her shoulder , and she took it and sipped . Her shivering seemed to subside and she let the blanket sink down over her soft shoulders . " You said you had a message from me from Gandalf ? " She shook her head for a moment . " Gandalf ? Oh yes , that 's what he 's called in these parts . He wanted me to tell you to leave for Imladris tomorrow , not to wait for him . The danger is growing too great , and you should go now , before the Road becomes too dangerous . " " He is being held prisoner by Saruman at Orthanc . Saruman has betrayed his order and seeks to rival the Dark Lord , he has built an army for this purpose . It is a lonely cell he inhabits , at the top of the tower , and he despairs of rescue . It was only through his arts he was able to communicate with me , and he told me to conduct you to Elrond right away . " She shuddered delicately , and sipped her beverage , licking her lips . Frodo shook his head , and looked at her earnest eyes . She was so lovely and seemed so sincere . " Yes ? Yes ? All right . Ah , and who are you ? " She shrugged her shoulders , letting the blanket slip a little more : " My name is Melkoradzhin . I was born long ago in Gondolin , and I have served Mithradir since he and his order arrived in Middle Earth . We have been through many journeys , many trials together , as well as many good times and celebrations . There is nothing I would not do for him . Since he asked me , there is nothing I would not do for you , either . I will be your guardian and your guide . " I can see why , he thought to himself . Gandalf used to dance and flirt with the hobbit women when he visited , but he could never imagine the old wizard having carnal appetites . The name Melkoradzhin rang false in his ear , but his Elvish wasn 't good enough to translate it , and he didn 't want to focus on his doubt right away . The bulge in his trousers was starting to feel uncomfortable , so he went to the pantry to grab some small cakes to distract himself . Stopping in mid step , he wondered how he was going to give them to her : she needed to be by the fire , but with a plate in her hand as well as a cup , she probably wasn 't going to be able to keep the blanket up . Then again , he thought that wouldn 't be a bad thing ; it had been a long time since he had hope of fulfilling his carnal desires . She looked around as he returned to the room , and reached up behind her to accept the plate of sweet cakes from him , letting the blanket fall from her shoulders and drop to her waist . Slithering off the bench , she maneuvered the blanket under her and put her cup and plate down on the smooth stone in front of the fire . Then she spread the blanker underneath her and lay on her side in front of the fire , the red light causing every inch of her porcelain skin facing it to glow . Frodo stood in awe behind her , drinking in the sight of her elegant form and the delicate way she nibbled at his cakes . " These are so good , " she mumbled . " Honey and rosemary , right ? " For a moment , Frodo began to doubt his good fortune . Why would an elf come to his hobbit hole , claiming Gandalf sent them , and why a female Elf when usually male Elves went abroad in the forest ? Why would she be so casual about her nudity ? Was she really trustworthy ? For the most part , she looked and felt fair . She rolled onto her back , lifting her right knee up , exposing herself more as she continued to nibble the food . Between her legs was a soft tuft of hair , and what the Elves called the " Petals of the Lily " . His mouth fell open as he regarded her : she was the most desirable female he 'd ever seen in his life . She finished the cakes and rolled over on her stomach , picking up her teacup . " I don 't have much to prove myself to you , other than my word . You 'd be right to doubt me , wonder why Mithrandir would send me rather than one of my brothers . " She sipped her tea and wiggled her bottom . " I wouldn 't blame you if you sent me back out when the storm passed . All I can do is ask you to trust me , especially if I 'm going to take you through the Wild to Imladris . " " You 're right , my lady , " he replied . " I 've never seen a female Elf before , much less this much of one . You could be a spy from the Dark Lord for all I know . I don 't know how you can prove yourself to me . " He went over and she raised herself up to her knees , sitting on her feet . Her fingers went to the laces of his breeches and undid them , releasing his manhood . Her eyes went wide in surprise : " My goodness , I never knew hobbits were so well endowed . You 're so thick I 'm not sure I can handle you , and it looks like it goes almost all the way down your pantleg to your knee . " The hobbit cock sprang to attention and she grasped it . " This is the only way I can plead with you to trust me , " she murmured before taking the head of his pecker into her mouth . He gasped as her tongue danced around his sensitive ridges ; nothing in Hobbit culture resembled what was happening to him . Courting hobbits would dance together , kiss and hug , and if they were very interested in one another , would fondle each other until orgasm . Once married , their sex drive stayed active until they were past the century mark , but oral sex was almost never practiced among them . Frodo was no virgin , but it had been a couple of decades since Flora Brandybuck stroked his dick under the Brandywine bridge one stormy spring evening . She let go and licked her way down his shaft . " My , my , my , your balls are bigger than any Elf 's I 've ever seen . " Her tongue danced up and down , making his testicles slick . He moaned and touched her pointed ears , then buried his hands in her hair , moving her head back so he could penetrate her mouth more fully . She pulled his trousers down and off : he wore nothing underneath . His tunic came over his shoulders and he stood in the firelight , tiny red streaks of fire playing over his skin as his hair caught the illumination . She took a sip from the steaming mug , and a new wave of pleasure burst from her wet mouth to his penis upward through his entire body . Her hands grabbed his buttocks and thrust him more deeply into her mouth , encouraging him as he violently fucked her face . His testicles throbbed , and he unloaded a load that overflowed her mouth , leaking out of the corners to run down her cheeks and drip on her rock hard nipples . Like most hobbits , he took several moments before he was empty , and spite of her efforts , more than half his output smeared her chin and chest . " That was nice , " she said , closing her mouth to swallow his hobbit sperm . " Tasty , too . Hobbits can be very surprising , as Mithrandir says . " Licking around , she cleared any any leftover dribble on his privates . " And you stay hard , too . How long can you keep it hard ? " " You must be like rabbits . Can 't wait to put that wonderful thing between my legs . I think I 've found just the gardener for my lily petals . Do you want to do it on the floor here , or someplace softer ? " The rain was pattering on the window , the storm was starting to pass . He glanced down the hallway and thought for a moment . " I 've got a lovely feather bed in the first guest room on the left . " Tenderly , she picked him up and cradled him to her breast . " Let 's go , and continue this . " As she carried him out , he took her nipple into his mouth , and she stroked his hair as she sucked his tit . " It 's been far , far too long , " she murmured as they went through the door . After dropping him on the bed , she stood before him , her hands dancing above her head , posing seductively . He stood up and beckoned her to kneel before him on all fours . Approaching her from behind , he penetrated her to enact the Bywater Spring Bullock , before switching to many of the thousand positions in hobbit sexual lore : the Bolger Tumble , the Took Tuppance , the Buckland Reel , and the Eastwold Elevator among others . She thrust back at him eagerly with each new position , a dark glow in her eyes , and she orgasmed many times that evening , much to her chagrin and delight . After a short time , the rain stopped , and the front room window opened of its own accord . Silently , the small goblin - like figure slipped into the room and went directly across to the heap of clothes in front of the fire . The dress was dry , and he tossed it to burn in the fire without a second thought . Picking up Frodo 's trousers , he reached into the front pocket and withdrew the Ring . " Precious , " he whispered , hoarsely , eagerly . Loud noises came from a nearby room , and he detected Melkoradzhin 's voice groaning in ecstasy . Nodding , he put the pants down and slipped the Ring on his finger , disappearing from sight . Around sunrise , Melkoradzhin lay resting from her evening with Frodo . He had ejaculated for the sixth time , falling fast asleep after the last time , and she was covered with semen after taking his prick in all three of her orifices multiple times . She was sore , but smiled in satisfaction . A twitch and a muffled snore signaled his turning over , moving off her body , and she was free to leave . " I wish there was a way I could stay , " she murmured , smiling in contentment . " Hobbits must be the best little fuckers in Middle Earth . " Tiptoeing out of the room , she went to the embers of the fire and poured herself a cup of tea , adding from the bottle still on the table . After one sip , she noticed only Frodo 's clothes remained on the floor . " That rat bastard , " she hissed . " He 's going to make me walk all the way back to Mordor naked ! He 'll need more than the Nazgul to protect himself when I get there ! " Frodo awakened alone and confused in the bright morning . His clothes were where he left them , but he noticed immediately the Ring was gone . No point in traveling now , he thought to himself , and he spent a quiet week at Bag End with his friends without saying a word about the stormy night they were gone . His heart was very with guilt , and he dreaded the news that would be leaking over the borders of the Shire from passing Elves and other travelers . After sunset on the seventh day , it seemed an Elven army was coming down the great East - West road to the Havens at high speed . Frodo was watching them pass , when he saw his Uncle Bilbo and a tall Elf split from the crowd and seek him out . Bilbo slapped him when he walked up , and shouted : " You fool ! How could I trust you with something so important ? Fool ! Idiot ! " " Sauron has recovered the Ring , " Elrond said sadly . " It was about a week ago , I felt it when he put it on his accursed finger . Now we 're on the run , trying to get to the Undying Lands before his servants can catch us . Galadriel and Celeborn will delay him as much as they can , but it 's hopeless without greater power . Maybe the Lords of the West will come to our rescue again , as they did at the end of the First Age . " Frodo looked down sheepishly , embarrassed . " Melkoradzhin , she called herself . I 've never seen a female Elf before , and she , she , she . . . " " Melkoradzhin , " Elrond said reflectively . " The Empress of the Darkness . I thought her dead with the destruction of Angband , but clearly it was not so . The daughter of Morgoth and an Elvish princess he kidnapped , almost entirely evil , she has a gigantic thirst for all sensual pleasure . Sauron must have taken her with him on that day long ago . Well , this is nothing that will help us . We must fly , and hope the Eldar Gods will listen to me as they did my father two ages ago . Perhaps the Eldar host will return to save Middle Earth again , although the lands will probably be broken once more . Farewell . " The two hobbits watched him spur his horse and ride off . The creatures of the forest wailed with fear and dread at the Elves ' passing , knowing they were losing their friends and protectors . Bilbo didn 't join them , but stood by his nephew watching and looking to the growing darkness in the East . At last , he turned to the young hobbit and said sarcastically : " So you got the fuck the Empress of Darkness . I hope she was worth it . " Kratos12315 , fuckmeboot and 3 other people favorited this story ! 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I tried the new breast pump out today . I thought it would be hard and take some time to figure out , but I didn 't even read the instructions . I hooked everything up , pushed the plastic baby - lips up against my nippies and let ' er rip . The motion is designed to mimic sucking , and it actually feels very similar . You can adjust the speed and the suction and I set it up so that it kinda felt like Charlie . And ? It sounds EXACTLY like milk from a cow going into a bucket . No lie . Apparently my body is not shy about producing milk ( I guess I could have guessed that based on my earlier experience of sporting milk stains everywhere I went ) in any manner , baby or no . Ryan is feeding Charlie now with the bottle , which he seems to like ok . The milk comes out VERY fast , so I think we 're going to go get a slower nipple tomorrow . He finished all eight ounces that I pumped and I really hope he 's full so I can pump some more and have extra ( for when I make a run for Mexico later this week ! Mwa ha ha ha ha ) . He 's also going to try his new Bum Genius diaper tonight stuffed with two absorbant inserts . Hopefully it will go the distance during his long sleeping stretch ( about 6 hours usually ) and wee wee will not leech up the back of his shirt like it has in the past ( nothing like picking up a pee soaked baby at 4 am , poor kiddo ) . Below is a picture of Charlie in his new big - boy two piece dinosaur pajamas ( from Nana and Papa Ed ) and his Trumpette socks - that - look - like - sneakers from Santa . So cute I can 't stand it . We 're home tonight after a great trip to Austin and Dallas to see our families for the holidays . Happy New Year everyone ! ! Merry Christmas everyone ! Charlie had a good first Christmas complete with family traditions despite his absentminded parents . During Christmas Eve dinner we realized that church started at 7 : 00 and we only had two minutes to get there . Ryan even had to drive us there because of the single glass of wine I had with dinner ( nine months of abstinence from alcohol has turned me into a very cheap date ) . So we arrived ten minutes late in jeans and sneakers with no diaper bag ( and no nursing pads I realized towards the end ; thank goodness I had my coat to cover up the wet spots ) . I spent most of the service in the back doing the new - mom aerobics , bouncing and jumping back and forth from foot to foot . An understanding grandma held the program for me so I could participate in the service ( although it wasn 't really necessary , most of the responses and readings are long committed to memory ) . If the service hadn 't ended when it did I was going to have to ask the mother of the only other baby there for a diaper ( and that baby was six months old ) ! We took Charlie up to the front during Communion and he was blessed by the minister . That was really special . When we got home we opened presents with my aunt and uncle and cousins and my sister and brother - in - law . Christmas morning we opened our stockings ( Charlie 's was full thanks to an eleventh hour trip to CVS to pick up more stocking stuffers ) . Charlie got a set of toy keys , a bottle ( for daycare which starts in like a week oh my gosh ! ) , some lotion and bath stuff , and some more Nuks . Ryan 's favorites were the jelly beans and raisins and my favorites were the super high fiber chocolate chip cookies and leave in conditioner / shine enhancer . Ryan was so thoughtful with his Christmas presents . He even gave me a gift certificate for another haircut at the place I mentioned in a previous post ! We had Christmas dinner last night at my aunt and uncle 's house . There were about sixteen people around the dining room table for beef tenderloin , green beans , sweet potatoes , carrots , and twice Posted by Today my grandma and Charlie and I went to visit my sister , who is tiny and adorable and training for a marathon , at the Starbucks where she is a manager . Charlie looked sweet , in white footy pajamas with a print of multicolored animals . I looked like a Katrina refugee fresh off a twelve hour unairconditioned bus ride to Houston in baggy ( yes ! Baggy ! Like sliding off my butt when I walked . Isn 't it wonderful ? ) black maternity pants and a gray " Texas Tech Mechanical Engineering " t - shirt with two half - inch holes in the back . And did I mention that I forgot my hairbrush so I haven 't exactly been keeping up with the maintenance ? The three of us walked into the store , Charlie in the stroller . My sister , K , came out and showed him around to all her employees . My grandma and I ordered drinks and visited with K and then left . I 'm sure at this point that I still seemed pretty normal , if a little disheveled and pudgy . We pulled out of the parking lot and had driven about fifteen minutes down the road when I pulled into a bank to use the ATM to get some cash my my had asked for for K . My grandma said that we were supposed to give it to her today ( different people get different details of the story ) . So back we went to Starbucks . By this time we didn 't have enough time to get home before Charlie 's next feeding so Grandma and I decided to stay for lunch at K 's store . After we split a ( really really good ) sandwich , some chips , and a cookie it was time for Charlie 's lunch . I asked K if it was ok to feed him there and she said " Whatever , I mean it 's the law right ? ( read : eech ! You 're going to take your boobs out in my store you freaky hippy ? ) " Anyway , he was hungry and by this point it was too cold to feed him in the car and it was raining . So he ate in Starbucks and it was no big deal . ( Have I told you how heartbreakingly adorable he is ? I just can 't believe it sometimes ) Before we left I changed him on the bathroom floor ( ewww ! ) using a changing pad fashioned from the Lifestyles section of the newspaper and a few cloth diapers . Posted by Charlie and I are in Austin staying with my parents while Ryan stays in Lubbock to get some work done . We are having a nice time . Charlie is getting lots of attention and there is always an extra pair of hands around to help me . For example , as I write this Charlie is asleep in my Mom 's arms . She is also asleep . So is my Grandma next to me . We had a big day driving to visit some cousins of my dad who live a couple of hours away for lunch . Tonight we gave him a bath in the sink . He loved it ! Here 's a picture : After the bath I weighed him . . . Are you ready for this ? He weighs FOURTEEN AND A HALF POUNDS ! Guess the breastfeeding is going well ! He 's almost out of his first set of cloth diapers ( the prefolds and Bummis covers . he grew out of the Kissaluvs a couple of weeks ago when the front of the diaper ceased to cover the most important part of his diaper area ) which were estimated to last about six months . He turned seven weeks old today ! I guess I should stop taking those human growth horomone shots they give cows . On Tuesday Charlie and my sister and I went to " Baby Day " at the Alamo Drafthouse movie theater in Austin . The Drafthouse is so cool that I will never go to another movie theater again . It is a brewhouse and restaraunt in addition to being a movie theater . It was built in an old movie theater where I went on my first date ( Forrest Gump , freshman year of high school . my mom drove to , his picked up ) . It 's much nicer now , there are tables in front of every row of seats and waiters will bring you a bucket filled with longnecks . On Tuesdays they have Baby Day where babies are allowed in for the matinee show . The poster says " Conceivably the worst movie experience you 'll ever have " and features a picture of a really angry looking baby . It was fun walking into the theater with all the other wide eyed mamas eager for a couple hours of beer drinking and movie watching with their little ones ( I didn 't get a beer , mostly because I didn 't want to spend the money . Only a little because it was Tuesday at noon ) . Charlie aPosted by I 'm making an effort to not keep the TV on all day long anymore because really , I don 't want Charlie to be desensitized to the loud fighting rednecks on Divorce Court or to start making statements in the form of a question . This means that I must keep my iPod playing continuously to keep from totally losing my mind . It also means that Charlie gets to witness my incredibly bad singing and dancing which , yesterday on a couple of occaisions , caused him to stop fussing and stare at me in horror ( Momma , we both know that 's a rolling pin so stop using it as a microphone already , gaa ! ) . 9 : 00 AM Feed baby and bathe babywitty - ish Today Show banter ( I have to watch the Today Show , what am I a caveman ? ) 9 : 30 AM Load of laundry # 1 ( mine ) silence . . . GAA turn on the music QUICK ! ! 9 : 40 - 11 : 00 AM Straigtening guest room for my parents ( including cramming all prepregnancy clothes into a box as I chastised myself for eating cookies for breakfast OMG these are NEVER going to fit again what the hell is the point . contemplate loading all offending clothes into car and taking them to Goodwill . decide Goodwill is a bad idea , would rather live in dream world where skirts that haven 't fit since I was nineteen will one day magically fit again despite the wild changes my hips have gone through for a little while before throwing them all out the window of my moving car in a fit of rage ) iPod mix : Rent soundtrack , Flogging Molly11 : 30 AM - 12 : 30 PM Read paper at Coffee Shop , utter constant silent prayers that baby stays asleepCoffee Shop Christmas mix ( music plus caffeine plus " me - time " puts me in cheerful can - do holiday mood ) 12 : 45 - 1 : 30 PM Pick up new birth control prescription ( which could turn me into a scary bitch just in time for the holidays . . . decide to wait until Monday to begin taking prescription so my mom doesn 't stage some kind of intervention regarding my wild behavior at Charlie 's Christening on Sunday ) and grocery shop ( if buying egg nog , cheese , and vanilla frosting qualify as " groceries " . Mmmm cheese and egg nog ) Christmas Muzak providPosted by Charlie is having a growth spurt . According to KellyMom ( www . kellymom . com ) : " During a growth spurt , breastfed babies nurse more often than usual ( sometimes as often as every hour ) and often act fussier than usual . " I would like to add to that description Wikipedia style by saying " During a growth spurt babies will have a period of sound sleep lasting twelve hours or more during which you take his vital signs every hour or so because no baby could possibly sleep this much . After the period of sleeping the baby will be awake for approximately forty - eight hours and his behavior will be marked by extreme crankiness , cat - like shrieking WHILE feeding , and an insatiable appetite . " So because I am slightly retarded , I did not realize that Charlie was having a growth spurt until this morning . Last night we took him to a concert and party at our church . The concert began at five and he was due to eat again around five thirty . When we arrived he was fussy and I had the sling so I went ahead and fed him in the church during the concert . After about ten minutes I tried to switch him to the other side and he began making this scary cat noise at the top of his lungs because he was so starving he couldn 't possibly stop eating for thirty seconds while I moved him over . I got him out of there in a hurry . I spent the remainder of the concert standing in the back with Charlie in the sling frantically swaying back and forth and patting his bottom so he wouldn 't start screaming again . He stayed calm long enough for me to eat a bowl of soup and some cookies at the party and then started up again . We got a picture with Santa and then left . Thank goodness Santa knew to have the pacifier ready . Here 's the picture : My hair was driving me absolutely crazy . I had decided to grow it out because I thought it would look less like mom - hair and it got really long ( and split - endy and tangly ) . But I was never meant to have long hair . I had a coupon from a friend for ten dollars off a cut from the girl she goes to at this place over by school I went to once a long time ago , so yesterday I made an appointment for seven and Ryan met me and took Charlie so I could get a haircut . I sort of remember this place being pretty nice and that the guy did a good job , but I was blown away by how great the whole experience was . After I sat in the chair and told H what I wanted done with my hair ( shorter , much shorter , easy to take care of . . . like wash and go . . . I don 't own a blow drier , no really . . . did I mention I have a one - month old ? oh thank you ! it 's a boy . . . Charlie . . . yes , really no blow drier . . . because it makes my hair puff up like a tumbleweed ) , she offered me a selection of beverages . When she returned with my hot cup of Chai Tea she said " Wait here for a minute , my assistant will come and give you a head , neck , and shoulder massage . " Oh my it was fantastic . ( Normally I get my hair cut somewhere that costs like eleven dollars and usually I get them to wash my hair first and hope they use really hot water and are a little rough because it feels soooo good when people wash my hair for me . But this was better . Way better ) After the head , neck , and shoulder massage they took me to the hair washing sink . The chair had a footrest . And a padded place for your neck . I was beginning to care less and less how much this haircut would cost . In fact I completely forgot that we live on a budget at all and decided that this should be a weekly event and what the hell while I 'm here why don 't you do my toenails too ? So then , after about an hour of a level of luxury never before imagined by me , we got to the hair cutting part . H sat on a stool and very carefully cut the back of my hair to the right length . Then she made sure I was happy with it and cut the rPosted by Today Charlie and I went to the coffee shop for a lovely hour and a half of reading and tea - drinking ( and some serious carseat sleeping ) followed by a walk around the neighborhood . My reading selections included American Baby and BAMS ( a meteorology journal ) . Sometimes I feel like my old self and am eager to get back to working on my research and dissertation and I want to look for a high stress career oriented job for when I graduate and I FEEL like a student and all that crap . Then there are times when I 'm pushing Charlie in his stroller or holding him on my chest as he sleeps when I think I can 't possibly do any of that because how can I possibly leave him with strangers and I don 't want to miss a single minute of his baby - ness and for that moment I don 't care about finishing school or what anyone thinks or anything . Anyway I oscillate between those two points of view ten or twelve times every day which I 'm sure you can imagine is a little hard for those around me to keep up with . It 's also making it quite difficult for me to complete a cover letter that I am working on for another job in Austin . It goes something like this right now : Dear Mr . Employer : I am writing to express my interest in the blahblah position at Blahblah Company . I think you 'll find my qualifications to be right in line with what you are seeking . I have five years of experience doing data analysis work with full - scale hurricane data along with excellent organizational skills . For example I can do a load of diapers , my laundry , and my husband 's laundry all while breastfeeding my infant son . Of course sometimes the folding and sorting has to wait if the little angel falls asleep on my chest . Further , I think my strong work ethic and attention to detail would make me a great addition to Blahblah Company . Please don 't hesitate to contact me with any questions . Sincerely , Becca LastnameOh yeah , and Ryan and I visited Charlie 's childcare place on Monday ( three days a week , remember ? ) . It seemed very nice and they all loved Charlie and were nice to hPosted by Yesterday the three of us had lunch at Moe 's with two of Ryan 's friends from work . Charlie was really good and slept the whole time we were there . After we were done eating a woman who had been eating nearby with her three kids came over to ask about Charlie ( her youngest looked close in age to Charlie ) . She asked the standard questions " How old is he ? What is his name ? How is he sleeping ? " and then said " Could you watch mine for a second so I can take the older kids to the bathroom ? " Um , sure , no problem . I guess when you have three kids the qualifications for a babysitter are less strict . Like if you have a baby that appears to be clean and fed , you can babysit my kid . Even if I don 't know your name or anything about you . Crazy . We took Charlie to church and Sunday School today and he did really well . He was quiet all through Sunday School except for his usual seagull noises that made everyone smile . I fed him in the nursing room and took him to church . He was pretty good but really squirmy . I was able to maintain my composure until during the Lord 's Prayer when he took his hand off my necklace and jammed his fist right down my cleavage . When his face started getting all red and squishy Ryan took him out to change his diaper . Ryan made lots of friends in the nursery and was full of information when we had lunch afterwards . At lunch we discussed who we wanted to pick for God Parents ( yes we are slackers who procrastinate ) . At one point Ryan said " What about X and X ? " I looked at him curiously . " What ? " he said . I replied " They 're both women . They 'd be God Life - Partners not God Parents . " Haha , we could have a very progressive baby with his God Mommies . Charlie ( on the right ) and Wes . On the beginning of Animal House , Charlie would be in the frat with the navy blazers and oxfords while Wes would be on double secret probation . They laugh , they cry , they have mud fights , they encourage each other to dance naked on the patio table . Most of all , they are brothers and they love each other . Violently . James loves Mary , his brothers , and his parents , in that order . He 's fiercely independent , but will tell anyone who will listen that he 's still a baby . He 's Mary 's number one fan and has a doll he likes to dress in her clothes .

I had to move to my hometown as we , well , had to move out . My hometown is this area which neither is a village nor town . I like to call it a town - village . I have no idea how else to describe it . Is this really a term though ? Or have I coined a new term ? Am I the inventor of a new word ? Oh my God … . . I spent seven months there with my grandparents , my aunt and uncle and my younger cousin sister . Also this dog . Can not forget the dog . Ugh . In the start I had few bits of le internet thanks to my younger brother 's constant whining and crying but I refused to use it largely because I had to save it up for him . Things an elder sibling has to do . Sacrifices and all for the younger one . Pfft . Yes , I said ' so many people ' a lot of times . Why do you ask ? Well , imagine a socially awkward girl among a whole bunch of people . Perhaps now you can understand how annoyed I might have been . And I 'm Indian . Add that to the mix . Now imagine the situation . Can 't ? I never could either . Until I lived that nightmare . The horror * shudders * Seven months later , we moved to a different place . Another crappy place . We didn 't have proper water facility for goodness sake ! No internet again but finally as we were staying by ourselves , we got a cable connection for our TV . So I spent time watching a lot of series ' again . Boy oh boy was I so happy ! I 'd go around saying , " My name is Barry Allen and I 'm the fastest man alive ! GO FLASH YESYES ! ! " My mom would just stare at me in utter disappointment . She 'd say , " You 've started again . Why are my kids not normal ? " Quick forward to the present day - my mom loves The Flash . When I used to watch it on TV she 'd go all , " Woah ! " , " My God ! " , " This is awesome ! " , " He 's so fast ! " etc . She loves Empire the most though . She was shook by the season 2 finale and started screaming , " WHY DID THEY NOT SHOW WHAT HAPPENED AHEAD ? WHO FELL ? ! " When I went home and binge watched my shows , she asked me to tell her what happened and I showed her the clip . She then proceeded to ask my father why is it that he unsubscribed to english channels . If he hadn 't , then she could see little glimpses as I 'd watch . I miss mom . . Back on the topic at the hand , I stayed there for around 9 - 10 months I believe . It was until my school wasn 't decided . And when my new school was decided and also our flat picked out , we moved out to stay at the place where I currently am residing . How has my life changed ? Well , I ended up having two gap years after my tenth grade . I completed my twelfth year in a span of three months and somehow managed to pass with decent scores ! I made new friends who are absolutely amazing and have restored my faith in humanity a little bit I know , I know . Me ? Making friends ? When did this miracle happen ? Yeah , I 'm surprised too . Life is full of surprises now isn 't it ? Situations were horrible and we faced a lot of hardships . Life turned out to be nothing like we had imagined and majority of the time we all were just really upset as to how events were turning out to be . My brother wasn 't the least bit upset though . He just was happy he got to see Power Rangers ……………… Things are finally shaping out better now . I 'm proud of all of us for managing to keep ourselves together and come out stronger from the experiences . I know that all of this has made me so much stronger , a level of strong my twelve - year - old self never imagined she would reach . If I had chosen a path that isn 't generally a preference then I seriously wouldn 't be bothered . But what amazes me is that I get all kinds of shit for choosing to embark on a journey that many , many people choose as well . I have assumptions , arguments and disbelief snowballed towards me almost everyday which to be honest , the 14 year old me din 't expect was coming her way . With me being Indian , it won 't come to a shock to many people when I say that I have opted to do Computer Engineering after school . That 's because a lot of kids here do that . Why do they do that ? Because even though there are thousands of options to choose from , majority of their parents have pressurized their kids to go for this . It 's a field where a lot of jobs are open . That does make a lot of sense considering that we live in a technology - driven world doesn 't it ? Because of the widespread attention engineering has been getting over the past years , many people have started to resent it . The number of trolls and memes made on engineering will take a century to count . Engineering is like this option you choose when you don 't know what you want to do with your life . A lot of people blame parents for this because they are the ones who pushed their kids into this path . They don 't let their kids do what they want with their life and hence we have people with no passion at all in the field . No one wants to learn something new or do something because they enjoy it . They 're just here because their parents forced them , and now they just want to get this over with . If you have parents like mine , who want you to do something that you love , kids enter fields that are not engineering . They go for what they love and mostly , it isn 't engineering . But then there is me . You see , my decision of pursuing Computer Engineering is totally mine . Nobody influenced my decision . I 'm entering the field because that is where my passion lies . But most of the people I associate with don 't necessarily believe me . Shocked expressions follow with a little bit of assumptions . " Oh my . I feel for you . My parents are also forcing me to do the same . I don 't really know why do they not think about us ! " " It 's okay . believe me . We 're here for you . I know your parents mean the world to you and all that , but we all are the same . You don 't have to cover up for them to make them look good . We understand you . " " I don 't understand what is going on . I think you are misunderstanding me . My parents haven 't forced me to do engineering . They want me to do what ever I want to . I chose this . I want to do this . " " Are you mad ? You have such awesome parents and you 're doing this ? Seriously ? What is wrong with you ? If I were you then I 'd do something really different . Something I love . Why in the right mind are you sticking to this ? You have a chance to break free . Why are you not doing that ? " If I meet someone and don 't have this conversation with them , then I 'll consider them anything but human . That 's how much I 'm used to all of this . I 've been getting this crap since the day I decided to do this . I don 't really understand . Is it wrong to want to enter this field ? Am I committing some sort of felony by loving this career path ? Has the scope for this field really gone that low ? Do we really not have people like me out there , who wholeheartedly want to do this ? If this wasn 't enough , you have so many articles that look down at people doing engineering so poorly . They 're treated like dirt . Why ? Just because they 're doing something everyone is doing ? So many people say that people who are doing engineering are fools . They won 't go anywhere in life and success will never be theirs because there are thousands of people doing the same as them . You 'll only be stuck with that 8 - 5 job and you 'll never reach the heights . Everyone is only doing this because they want that good salary . It 's all about the money . And if you decide to study ahead ? Definitely because you want even more money . You say you love what you 're doing ? " You aren 't fooling anybody honey " is the answer one person gave . I was receiving so much of trash , that at one point last year I just din 't want to go ahead with this . I wanted to just let it go and do something different . Maybe then this would stop , I thought . But the thought itself made me so upset that I knew that no matter what people or some bullshit article tells me , I can 't stop . My heart lies there and there is no way I 'm turning back . I am doing engineering . Computer Engineering to be specific , which I 'm very well aware that many people do . But I like to think I 'm different from them all because I want to do this . And maybe I will study ahead but not because I have money in my mind . I 'll do it because I want to do it . Everyone may think that I don 't have a life but I do and this is how I choose to live . I may fail but that is my failure and no one has a say on that . Not you or your article . I don 't look down at people who have been forced to do this . I feel really bad for them and I do hope that they get to do what they want sooner or later . Maybe the jokes made are something they find funny . But I do know that even though people like me aren 't a lot , we don 't find this funny . It hurts us . It hurts me . I can 't say that what everyone says doesn 't affect me because I 'm that kind of person who wants to keep everyone happy and I sometimes tend to care a bit too much about how people perceive me . So all of this does bother me . But this has reached such a peak that I can 't even be bothered to give a damn anymore . I know , I know . I haven 't been updating my blog very well these past few weeks but I have a very good reason for that . The reason being annoying relatives who had come over to stay at my home for a week . Well , they said they were gonna stay for a week when they came but went only after 20 days were complete . 20 days ! ! Since these people literally changed my life in these 20 days , I decided that they need a post dedicated to them . Not acknowledging them , but ranting about them . They deserve this . Let me first begin with the fact that they just popped up on our doorstep at 5 . 30 am . We knew they were coming but we din 't know which day was it they were coming . Looks like they wanted to surprise us and they succeeded . I was super surprised . So surprised that I wanted to get a frying pan and hit them with it because who disturbs someone 's sleep ? ! I obviously din 't do that though . What I did do is pull my blanket over my head because the lights were switched on . As soon as I woke up in the morning , there were two girls staring at me . I gave them a quick smile just to be polite but they continued to stare at me . I know I don 't look really good as soon as I 'm out of bed but I don 't look that bad either that they need to stare at me for 10 minutes straight ! After a while my brother and I went to talk them . We asked them general questions like their names and their age . They asked the same to us and that was it . We were just sitting there and din 't talk . When all of this got too awkward for me I just walked out of the room . Totally normal . The two girls then mustered up a bit of courage and started coming out of the room . They talked a bit and then it was all fine . The younger girl is just like my brother and the elder one is quite a bit quiet . That is what I thought and I told myself , " Maybe staying with these people won 't be hard at all ! " The elder one is 15 years old and the attitude she possesses is something I have never seen in anyone . She always talks as if she is some great person and I need to now bow down in front of her because she is the queen of her land . Which land is this , I don 't know but my best guess is that it 's some non - existent land . She also loves daily soap operas and can 't miss a single episode . This tells a lot about her doesn 't it ? The younger one , who is 10 years old , is like the Duracell bunny version of my brother . Always jumping around and running in circles with no signs of stopping . But this isn 't the most annoying thing about her . The fact is that she likes to pull peoples ' hair , touch everyone , pinch and beat every single person living in the house ! She always pulls my hair saying that she likes my bangs . She kept touching my skin because she likes " how it feels " . I hate people touching me . Absolutely HATE it but she won 't listen . She is also obsessed with the colour pink and loves Barbie to such an extent that she even dreams about her ! More than anything , these people don 't know the meaning of privacy . Alone time is something I forgot even existed . My life wasn 't my life anymore . Even my time spent with the internet was something they 'd have their eyes on . Every message I send , every song I listen to and every video I watch ; these people would be seated right next to me and would be looking at everything . It doesn 't matter if I 'm doing some important stuff , they 'll just stick to me and ' observe ' everything . How could they come between me and my internet ? That 's so rude ! To top it all off , these people don 't know how to behave in public ! They 'll be running around the roads and screaming . The younger one sticks to me while walking and pokes me . They make decisions while standing on the pavement about food . They 're just crazy ! ! I can go on ranting but I think I need to stop now . These people are the ones whom I 'll never forget my entire life and this post is my way to get my anger out . I feel so relieved now . I think one of the main identities we Indians have all around the world is that we have a huge family . I 'd like to blame Bollywood movies and television serials for this . But movies din 't just bring it up you know ? There is a certain level of honesty in this fact . I remember having this one conversation with my school - mates while I was in UAE about how big our families are . While most of my friends were going on and on about their uncountable number of family members , I was just sitting there in astonishment . I then exclaimed , " Gosh you all have such huge families ! My family at the most just includes my maternal and paternal side . And they don 't have huge families . I can literally count them ! " My friends first laughed thinking that what I said was a joke , but later realized that what I said is true . One girl said that maybe I din 't know my family at all and was kept under the dark about more than half of my family . I laughed really hard at her . Living in a foreign country where hardly anyone from my family lives , my parents and a few relatives convinced me that we had a small family . They 'd talk only about a few people and when I asked them about any more people they always said , " What more ? This is it ! " The first time I got to know that I DO have an extended family is when we came to stay with this uncle of mine . My mom said he was her brother . Now , I know her real brothers and also her cousins . So on asking her what kind of brother he is , she said cousin . Wait what ? I thought she had just one cousin brother ! From where did this one pop up ? She then told me she has more cousins about whom she never told me about as they weren 't in touch due to the busy lives we all lead in different countries . So when she finished telling me about them all I thought that this was it . On one Sunday my mom received a call on her mobile . The person said that he and his brother were coming to visit us at our house . Till I was able to ask her who they were , they magically appeared on our doorstep just minutes after the call ! ( Family members I tell you . They 'll just come out of nowhere . Ugh ) One of the two brothers came to me and said , " Keerthi ! Do you know who we are ? I remember the last time I saw you , you used to wear those Gandhiji type glasses and you were so tiny ! Look how big you 've gotten . Still short though . Hahaha ! " You yourself told that the last time you saw me I was 6 years old . Now how will I remember you ? I went to the kitchen and told my mom that I have no idea who they are ( I could 've told them directly . But meh , anxiety and all that ) and she told me their names . I remember receiving chain e - mails from them a long time ago . Other than that , I don 't really know who they are ! They were having a gala time with my mom and dad and I was just like , " Hehe . Very funny . " Or like , " Yes I do remember . Haha ! " Now every time someone came to visit us , I started counting how many family members I do have till now . But one fine day I couldn 't count because it was waaaay too much ! How can there be so many humans in one family ? ! I recently went to my home state to visit my grandparents and then comes another shocker . I realized that all the people who lived in our town - village ( I say town - village as my place is neither a village nor a town . It 's something in between and I don 't really know what the in - between is called ) are all my relatives ! My mind was blown away to some distant land . How are they related ? Well , they are some father 's brother 's son - in - law 's nephew 's dog 's best friend 's owner 's grandchild . Yes you read that right . But this is just about one person you know ? There are plenty of others who are related to us like that . Normally we won 't consider such people as family , just friends . But no , not in my case . They ARE family and they will be invited for our cat 's wedding . Also when we build a house . Also when we celebrate someone 's pregnancy . Basically every household event , people like these are invited because they are family . I don 't know how does everyone remember who is who and how they are related . And their names too ! What is the secret to this great memory power of theirs ? * Calls grandma to know how to get excellent memory * Getting to know so many family members also means that you basically have every type of human that exists on this planet in your family . And they aren 't always of the good kind which saddens me a lot . My family members include a few gangsters , gossip kings and queens , pranksters , wannabee hipsters , wannabees and sadists . I feel that only I am the human among these bunch of aliens , and I don 't consider myself a human at times so that 's a shocking fact ! If an outsider would see one 's wedding photo album , they 'd be astounded to see that there are more photos of family members rather than photos of the couple . And also the fact that if you take that album to my grandpa then he 'll tell you how exactly is every single person there related to us . I don 't think I want to marry because then I 'll have to get married in front of a bunch of people whom I don 't even know ! Woah ! Well as much as I can go on ranting about this , I need to accept that these bunch of random strangers are my family . No matter if I don 't know them , I have to say hello to them and welcome the dialogue , " The last time I saw you , you were wearing those Gandhiji type glasses and you were so tiny ! " with a smile no matter how pissed that line makes me . I will have to listen to my mom and dad talk about my grandpa 's brother 's neighbor 's son 's neighbor 's daughter 's brother - in - law 's - son 's fiance 's ex - boyfriend 's sister 's story ! I understand what I type here today is something that you as a reader might not agree on . And that is totally fine . Please keep in mind that this is just my opinion . So if by some freak of nature you ended up on this post and you disagree with me , it is totally okay . Just understand that different people have different opinions and I 'm not trying to impose my ideas or thinking on you , so you don 't have to attack me okay ? Are we cool ? Right now you must be thinking , " What is all this drama going on ? " Well , today I 'm gonna be writing about something that many people of my age really disagree on . In fact , I think I 'm one of the very rare ones who actually think like this . So I wanted to make sure that I won 't get attacked by people virtually , like how I do in real life . Do read the post if you can . And if you do , then I apologize in advance for the little bit of spelling and grammar mistakes she 's made . She 's trying to improve her English right now 🙂 In the post she says that she 's tired of being single . She says she 's tired of being alone and wants a boy in her life . She needs love in her life . Why is it so important to have a boyfriend ? Why is it necessary to have a boy beside you and behind you ? What in reality is achieved by all this ? It 's not only her . This is almost everyone around me . Either one person is in a relationship and talking about their ' love ' for one another loud and clear , or one person is trying to get someone fall in love with them so that they aren 't alone , or in popular terms - single . Then there is me , who couldn 't really be bothered about all this . Myself being a teenager , I don 't really find the need to have a boyfriend . I don 't want that love . I don 't find the necessity to find a guy to love right now . This other kind of love is something I don 't understand . I actually kind of oppose love a lot . The cheesy poems and quotes that one might find ' romantic ' are the ones I laugh at , and I also find them weird . This is me whenever someone says something like this . I was quite shocked when I came across this meme . I was like , " Hey , that 's what I say ! " I really don 't know why , but many people can 't seem to understand the sentence , " I 've never had a boyfriend " . When ever I say this , the responses are always something along the lines of , " Are you saying you 've never been in a relationship ? " Well smarty pants , that is what I just said . But what frustrates me is the shocked expressions that follow . Its like , they 've never come across a 17 year old who has never been in a relationship . I don 't really blame them because almost everyone has at least been in one by the time they are my age , but when a person like me pops up , you don 't have to look so stunned , and then start hating me for my opinions . There is a reason why I have never been in a relationship , and it 's because of my mindset . I personally feel that I 'm too young to carry the responsibility of another person on my shoulders . I feel that a relationship at this age would serve as a distraction to me . I have priorities right now , and I don 't want to get deviated from them . I have goals I want to achieve in this time frame , and the last thing I want is to stray away from it all just because of one boy . I don 't judge anyone who is in a relationship at this age . I don 't have that right because it is their life . But just because I have my own opinion which is against the popular one , I 'm supposed to get backlash for it ? Where is the sense in that ? This kid understands me . Don 't look at me like I committed a crime or something . I just have a different opinion , that 's it ! I personally feel getting into a relationship these days is more like a trend than mutual feelings . Almost each and everyone is getting into one . You 'll hardly find someone single . If they are single , they must have broken up sometime ago . Finding a person like me is very hard , and somehow I found them I believe . I don 't say ' I Love You ' a lot . I can 't say it just like that . I can only say it when I mean it from my heart . Typing it is fine , but verbally it 's very , very tough for me . It was only when I was leaving that I said this to my closest friends . So telling ' I Love You ' to a boy seems like a very strange idea to me . I don 't want to concentrate my life right now on trying to say ' I Love You ' to some boy . I want to just focus on the things that need more importance in my mind . Why is it so hard to understand ? What all these dimwits tell me , doesn 't affect me at all . Who are they to tell me ? But the point of this post was to say I guess that being in a relationship is NOT your life right now . There is a whole life ahead of us for that . So if you are single , then why crib about it ? If you truly want a boy , then go search for one or something like that I suppose . I obviously don 't know how that works . Until then , enjoy life the way it is . Life is more than just some random boys . You don 't need boys to enjoy life . Just ask me 😀 As the title of the posts suggests , today I 'll be writing a letter to the thirty - year old me . I chose to write a letter to my future self because I think about the future a lot . Like , a lot . I don 't know why though . So I thought maybe writing a letter to myself would be a good idea . It could also be a silly idea too . Argh , you decide . How are you ? Are you good ? Wait , why am I asking you questions when I know I can 't know the answers ? Silly me . Now answer these questions , and the questions that will follow in your mind . Or just send me another letter in reply to this via time travel . Time travel must have been invented by now right ? You might remember yourself typing this letter as you have a great memory . Wait , your memory is still great right ? Don 't tell me your memory power has reduced . Back to the point , you might not remember what was happening while you wrote this letter so let me remind you . I 'm mocking the advertisements that are on the television right now . Also , I 'm still depressed about the fact that Justin Timberlake is going to have a concert in Abu Dhabi even though its been nearly two weeks to the news . Currently there is no news about him ever coming here for a concert . I don 't even expect him to come here . When I was in U . A . E . , he never came . 😦 Please tell me by now you have gone to his concert . Or any concert of your favourite artists . Have you at least gone to one concert ? I hope the answer is yes . If you haven 't yet then um , GO TO A FREAKIN ' CONCERT ALREADY ! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR ? ! Okay don 't be upset , this was just the inner fangirl screaming . Just , try and go to a concert okay ? Now you may not remember why I decided to post this letter on my blog rather than write an actual letter with my pen . The thing is , if I am to actually write a letter then where will keep it ? And moreover , how can I assure myself that I won 't misplace it in the next 13 years so that when you do turn 30 you are able to read it ? So that 's why I decided to post it online , because the internet is forever and I know that you will come to this blog even if you aren 't blogging because you 'd like to remember what kind of a teenager you were . The kind of teenager who is actually very pessimistic but from the past two days is feeling very optimistic for some unknown reason . It 's a refreshing change I must admit , but I don 't know if this will last long . You tell me , am I an optimistic 30 year old ? So , how is life 13 years from now ? Is it all that you 've expected it to be or nothing at all ? Maybe somewhere in the middle ? I hope while you 're reading this , you 've achieved want all I want to in the future . What I want right now is to study a lot . I want a really good job and give back to my family . Make them proud and make sure that they don 't need to do anything anymore for me . It 's time for me to repay them back for all their efforts . You might remember all the trouble and problems your family had to face while you were me . So I 'm hoping that in the future , I 'm able to make everything all right . But remember this . Don 't beat yourself up if you weren 't able to get into a big college , or if you aren 't working in a huge company . If you may recollect , I don 't have a dream college or a dream job . Which ever college I get into , or whatever company I work for doesn 't matter . I 'm going to work hard wherever I am . Have you done that ? If you have then you have nothing to worry about . Are the people around you happy ? Are you able to give back to mom and dad ? If the answer is yes , then you are living the future that I want . By the way , please don 't tell me you 're married . If by some freak of nature you are married then I hope it is after what all you wanted to achieve career and life wise . Now I 'm going to ask you a few questions . ( If you aren 't married then feel free to ignore these . ) Did you seriously find a guy worthy enough to marry ? Did you actually find a man who ticks all the check boxes on my list ? Did this person really agree to tolerate you for an entire lifetime ? Is this the man that I see in my dreams ? Did my series of dreams come true ? If the answer is yes to all of these questions then I 'd like you to pinch yourself around a hundred times because this is too good to be true . I 'm shocked at this thought itself ! ! ! The main aim of this letter I guess was to make you realize what actually makes you happy . As much as boxes of chocolates make your day , actual happiness is what I mentioned above . Why am I telling you what really makes you happy ? Because I know you 'll whine about every small little thing that you don 't have . ( If you have stopped whining , then I applaud you for this change ! ) As I said , I 'm feeling very optimistic and I am giving all sorts of advises to everyone . So this letter is sort of me taking advantage of my streak of optimism and advising YOU . Because you may need it . P . S . Is my brother still good for nothing ? If yes then I suggest you to break his PlayStation 20 or any other gaming console he owns . This should teach him lesson . Do make sure you have your own gaming console before you break it . Because you 'll have to suffer as well . Now why would you do that to yourself ? I know that this letter was really , very long and I 'm extremely sorry for this . I apologize from the bottom of my heart . * hangs head down in shame * Now that you have reached the end , I would like to ask you something . Have you ever written a letter to either your elder or younger self ? Have you ever thought of it at least ? Its been a while since I 've posted something serious . Serious in my mind at least . So today I 'm gonna post about a topic that I 've always wondered about . Everyone is always thinking who cares about them or who will care about them . There 's not a single soul who wouldn 't want at least one person to genuinely care about them . But I find it weird when one expects someone to care about them , but the person doesn 't care about them in return . Believe it or not , we live in a world full of expectations . Reality is something we refuse to come back to and as a result we keep flying to expectations that we know we can 't expect to be true . I also have expectations - from family , friends and life . But I know that I need to keep them realistic . I can 't expect something from someone , when I know I can 't get it . The same way goes for the term ' care ' . Expecting genuine care and concern from someone is easy , but caring for someone deeply is tough . I know so many people who constantly crib about no one caring for them but do they care for anyone in the manner they want back ? The answer is mostly no . So if you can 't care for anyone then how possibly could you expect it in return ? The funny thing is that mostly there will be someone caring for them , but its neglected which obviously means that the care they receive isn 't appreciated . And then they go around telling that no one cares about them . Isn 't that weird ? Someone cares about them so deeply but they don 't seem to notice it which in turn means that the person giving them care isn 't getting anything back ! They are genuinely concerned for someone and in turn are treated badly . What do they get from caring for someone ? Nothing at all . And they feel like not caring for anyone anymore at all . There also the opposite to not caring for anyone . Its called over - caring and I 've just learnt about it . Over - caring it seems means that you care for someone so much that the person on the receiving end feels suffocated . You care about someone so deeply that in return you want to know everything about them . This type of caring could be good according to me if you are extremely close with the other person but it isn 't right if you hardly even know them . So the question here is , do we need to care for someone ? Because we know that caring for someone could result in two things . One being that you in return won 't be cared about and the second being that the care you receive would be disturbing . So is it really necessary to care ? Well my answer is yes . I 've grown up with only the genuine care from my family but not friends . As a kid I cared about every friend but was shattered to know that they din 't even bother to know if I 'm still beside them . People came and went and I cared for everyone but what did I get ? Nothing , absolutely nothing . I started thinking what was the point of me caring for an individual when I won 't get that in return ? I was going to stop caring until I met the friends that I have now . I din 't care for them at first thinking I 'm gonna be let down again like how I 've been from the past years but when I couldn 't help but feel for them genuinely . And then I was so shocked to actually be receiving the affection that I had been giving to others from such a long time . I felt blessed to be in the vicinity of people who actually cared about my existence . What I did affected them and I couldn 't be happier . I might not have many people who care about me , but I know there are a few people out there . I sometimes do ' over - care ' but I know I do it for the right people because they don 't mind it . Of course when it goes out of hand they tell me and well , I just stop . But that doesn 't mean that they will stop caring for me . We have that understanding and everything 's back to normal . But I still do sometimes feel that the care I show to others is not what I get in return . I 'm not on the top of anyone 's list but does that stop me ? Nope . I know that caring for the right people will always be the best for me and the people around me . I can 't care for each and everyone and expect them for something in return . That 's not fair either for me or for them . So I 've learnt that if I am to care for someone , I need to be sure that that person deserves it . As for over - caring , I feel its fine when you do it with the right people . But you shouldn 't for people who don 't deserve it . Why waste your energy on someone who 's going to not appreciate what you do for them ? What would you benefit from knowing everything about someone 's life while they think you aren 't needed in their life and are irritated with you ? So what I say is , find the middle to this caring thing . You don 't have to go to the extremes . You don 't have to care about someone who doesn 't feel the same way and you don 't need to care about someone so much that it hurts both you and them . You know why ? Because there are people out there who want your care and concern and they are the ones who deserve it . Not someone who will never appreciate what you do for them , or worse , you . And trust me when I say this , you don 't need to waste your time for such people . And one more thing , if you know someone who cares about you then treat them right . Don 't neglect them because that hurts them a lot . Appreciate what you have with you ! The Elephant in the RoomWe 're all elephants , you and IslaveofmadnessA Fistful of LettersYou 've Been Hooked ! Observations from the trenches . . . . The Mostly Confused TeenagerTrying to feel less muddledMiscellaneous ShitThe blog of a teen from the world under the rockLove + MessI 'm not even going to apologize . 7 Miles To Death ! This is how my life rolls . . some highs some lows . . shit happening and some happiness comes along with it as well . . Thats just my LIFE ! ! avisha gopalGraphic Designer and student at the University of Miamiokaaythen . com / your favourite new lifestyle blogRoving and WritingWriting my way around the globe 🌍 The Life and Times of Nathan Badley . . . just like Moby Dick , but shorter and less whale - oriented . This Labyrinth I RoamThe Great Affair Is To Keep MovingSips of Jen and TonicWriting that 's straight up with a twistThe Perks of being Socially AwkwardYou don 't have to be the person you were yesterdayinaconstantdilemma . wordpress . com / Riot Of WordsN KayeselJust another WordPress sitePassion for Life . . . A topnotch WordPress . com siterarasaurfrightfully wondrous things happen here . whatever that 's nice and whatever that 's notI was never heardShits and giggles ! This is a private party , and the public 's invited . if all else fails . . . use a hammeran exercise in percussive maintenanceEuphoria UnadjustedPeep , glance and share your views . . . ! Miss Four EyesSeeing twice as much absolutely counts as a super power . The Book Notes ProjectBecause You Are Awesome . Ben 's Bitter Blog " We make bitter better . " 50 Year ProjectMy challenge to visit 192 countries , read 1 , 001 books , and watch the top 100 moviesTiffany MetzgerGraphic Designer and Creative WriterZen ScribblesSometimes a pain , sometimes a klutz , sometimes even a Grammar Nazi , but always a writer , always a reader , always a self - proclaimed chocoholic .

This is a costume designed by the guy whose sketch I posted a few weeks back , and who also worked up the costume for my " Mon Petite Poney " poster from a few months ago ( what 's even better - - those are his shoulders modeling it ) . He 's one of those people who 's become fearless thanks to the intolerance slung his way , so his line of clothing is just as brash and don 't - give - a - fuck as you can imagine . I love reading his blog ( check out House of Vader in the " blogs I follow " section below . . . just not at work ) , even when I think he 's gone a bit too far . Me . . . it 's hard as hell for me to even go far enough ( a limitation that is telling in this " farce " I 'm trying to write ) . Which is a funny thing for me to say , considering the books I 've written and were published . They 're as brash and in - your - face as Dave can be , but with a novel you can still hide a little . And that 's what I do . I simply don 't share this aspect of my life with the people I know here in Buffalo because I also know they 'd be a bit freaked out about it . No , that 's not right - - I ASSUME they 'd be freaked out . Because it would freak me out . . . I guess . It 's all pretty silly , and it 's not like the shadows you hide in can 't eventually be illuminated by any light anyone shines into them . And my recent experience with Amazon showed me I 'll still stand up for my work when it 's been threatened or dissed , even in the face of people telling me not to . But that doesn 't come from my living the life I want ; it 's due to me getting pissed off and saying , " You ain 't gonna pull that shit on me . " And then slamming back in my usual " scorched earth " policy . Dave , however , shows me what true courage is - - living your life like you want and fuck the consequences . The old , I am what I am " attitude , with a strong splash of " and if you don 't like it , that 's your problem . " He makes me want to be better in my own world . I finally have the section of LD leading up to where Daniel reaches the cabin in decent enough shape to when I can plow ahead . He 's still a bit too indistinct for me to feel great about this , yet , but now I can see some spine in him and making the whole thing Tad 's idea works a LOT better . It 's going to change details later in the story , but this 'll do till I 'm through it , again . Then I may follow through with some other aspects I want to rearrange . Pretty day , today . I was out and about doing laundry and getting some groceries and running other errands . I wanted to get my car washed but the line at the place was 10 cars deep so blew that off . Still , the salt on the roads really clings to your car 's finish , and I want it off before it begins to rip through the paint and start some rusting . I bought Muse 's " Revolution " - - and while I like the music , the CD itself is pretty poorly done . Songs are mashed together that should not be in close proximity , and the opening song cuts in and out while the music is going . In fact , I 'm really surprised at how awkward many of the transitions are . Neither Depeche Mode nor Enigma never would let such awkwardness onto one of their CDs . Went in to work for a while , today , to try and get a jump on next week 's chaos . That 's when over 100 book dealers from the US , Canada and Europe are being picked up to be taken to the California Book Fair in San Francisco . And way too many of the Euro - boiz have yet to hand in the paperwork needed to get them through customs or have errors on the paperwork they HAVE handed in that needs correcting before it can be submitted . You 'd think book dealers , who live in a world of intelligence and literacy , would be able to read the friggin ' instructions they were given , but nooooooooooo . . . This morning I found my car under a light dusting of snow . . . not so unusual the last couple months . I started it up and , as the engine warmed , I brushed off the snow from my windows . Then I got inside and fastened my seatbelt . . . and a single , tiny , perfectly white , six - pointed snowflake landed on the glass directly in front of me . . . and I felt as if I 'd slipped into another world , for a moment . I 'm somewhat used to seeing the snow come down in clumps and batches , and sometimes when I look out my window I imagine it to be playful faeries caught in the joy of the breezes dancing around them . But this time . . . this time it was as though one had noticed me and stopped to look back at this creature who would not join in the fun . It was quickly joined by others - - not in huge numbers but a few here and there , each one just as precise and lovely as its companions , and all of them just as focused on me as though they were tiny little beings and not merely slivers of ice . How could I help but smile at the thought ? I 'd always known snow comes down in six - pointed designs , supposedly no two flakes alike , but I 'd never actually considered the reality of it . The simple tender elegance it carries . The startling understanding that something you 've been told exists - - and that you believed and accepted without ever actually seeing for yourself - - it is the honest truth . I don 't know what this means , yet . . . if anything . If it really could count as a moment of grace in my world . All I can see right now is how long that charming , delicate , tiny white thing stayed on my windshield , watching me as I drove on to work . . . until it became bored and flitted away , joining with the others as they danced in the playful breezes . Volume 3 of " Bobby Carapisi " is now available at both Barnes & Noble and Amazon . I say buy it at B & N if you want it because it 's discounted to $ 12 . 95 if you 're a B & N member ( which I am ) and I get the same amount in royalties , no matter what . Amazon doesn 't discount until it 's shown it will sell decently , which may never happen ; this set hasn 't done well in sales . . . but I don 't really care . I did right by Bobby and Eric , and now let Allen tell his own story his own way . Plus this is the last volume of the story . Now I can offer it as a box set , if the publisher will go along with that idea . I 've already decided the opening of LD needs a bit more tweaking ; it 's still too lumpy and dense , to me , and I 'm not thrilled with how Daniel 's coming across now . Maybe I 'll add more sex to it . That seems to sell . I did have a better idea for the ending , one that doesn 't wander off but ends with just the right note . So . . . no more postings of the story till it and I can figure each other out and be happy with what 's being done . Good thing I 'm not in NYC , right now . I 'd be stuck . It 's funny - - I enjoy the snow and don 't mind driving in it so much , though my car 's really filthy and needs to have the salt washed off it , soon . I don 't even mind the occasionally bitter cold . It 's warm where I work and live and my car 's heater does good . One of the smartest things I ever did was buying my little Honda . It 's been a blessing . Y ' know , Daniel never should 've agreed to help Tad ( excuse me , Theodore J . Bentley , the Third ; he 'd snarl in disgust without the full and flowing exclamation of his name ) but the little shit knew exactly which buttons to push , and he hit every damned one of them with a sledgehammer . You see , the two of them had been a couple for a couple years and had only broken up six months ago , and Daniel was still raw from it . I seriously think that if he 'd let his brain do the thinking instead of his dreams , he 'd have seen straight off that this was a catastrophe in the making . But the way Tad rushed in , breathless , his ice - blue eyes projecting fear and need and horror on top of that hint of a quiver he can get in his voice , all but begging , " Danny , please , help me , " - - well , it would 've crushed the first wall of any defense . So now he and Dan - O were seated in a downstairs booth , in a back corner of the diner 's faux 1890 's decor , and Tad was trying to explain it all . Now Master Bentley was one of those young , perfect East Coast types who 's en route to being perfect on the West Coast ( as in Hollywood , baby , since he 'd already produced and had broadcast one whole cable movie ; helps to know the sociology of the natives ) . So because of that movie , he was now considered a player by both coasts . It helped that the thing was based on " High - Heeled Moccasins , " a quirky mystery novel featuring yours truly , Ace Shostakovich , private eye extraordinaire and written by our one and only Daniel ( excuse me , Daniel J . Bettancourt , tho ' I get to call him Dan - O ) . Overall , Daniel has six of my mysteries to his credit , each one selling better than the last . But just being published don 't mean you 're making enough to live on in New York City . So while Tad was flying high playing Mr . Producer , my guy was still tending bar at two different jobs . Until this . . . well . . . problem arose . You see , Little Sir Great - and - glorious had optioned two more of Dan - O 's books - - " The Dr . Pepper Tryst and Tristan " and " Cadillac Criminal Mind " - - aiming to start up a crime series for cable . Then he 'd gone and hired this overpriced twenty - one - year - old - Cheeto - eater ( who people SWORE was the hottest writer in Hollywood since Orson Welles ; and look , I got nothing against Cheetos , just the idiots with dicks that think they 're a food group ) , well , anyway , Tad had given him free reign to adapt them into eight fifty - five page scripts , something to show the money boys at HBO . And he 'd just gotten them . And believing the hype around that screenwriter , he 'd arranged to meet with the " yea or nay " guy at HBO on Monday . And only then had finally sat down to read the damned things - - and had watched the crash and burn of his fledgling career scream across his designer contacts . Seems the Cheeto - eater 'd had so little interaction with reality ( since birth , probably ) , he was incapable of making fictional characters act like real ones instead of second - rate film noir clichés with crap dialog . But just as he was about to pretend to toss himself off the balcony of his 45th floor condo , great - and - glorious - producer remembered Daniel worked Friday lunches at a diner that was just blocks away , so raced over to catch him . And now his wailing and gnashing of teeth was caught in this non - stop loop of , " ALL the scripts are crap , all fuckin ' eight of them , including the Bible . " ( " The Bible " not being that book of Christian conflict but one that outlined the direction the characters and story would take ; also helps to know the lingo of the natives , in cases like this . ) " Danny ! " ( And Tad was the only person allowed to call Daniel by that name . ) " I told you from the outset , you can 't fit everything from a two - hundred and fifty page book into an hour and forty minute movie . And don 't forget , reviewers still said we stuck really close to your story . " Daniel had no real answer to that . The fact is , the movie had turned out nice enough . . . but it just wasn 't . . . well , it wasn 't right . He 'd have kept Ace ( me ) less cynical and made sure Carmen ( oh , she 's my sexy secretary ) , well she 'd have been more important , like in the book . But there 'd been enough money in selling the rights to pay down a couple of bills and get a better apartment , so he couldn 't bitch too much . And since this series of scripts were based on his books , he probably did have a pretty good idea of what they 'd need to work . It helped that a perky little waitress who had a crush on my guy whipped up with a steaming cheeseburger and fries , and he popped out with , " Bless you , " before he could filter the words . She beamed and backed away , muttering something unintelligible as Dan - O hauled out the ketchup and mustard . I just shook my head and sighed , " Dude , if you were a horn doggie , you 'd be set for tonight . " Tad rolled his eyes in that way that always pissed my guy off . Not so much because it was condescending or dismissive , but because he looked so damned good when he did it , the little shit . Even when he shot back with crap like , " Yeah , well , it 's true - - I 've seen you say things " ( his words , honest ) " that would 've put you in a padded room , fifty years ago . But I 've also seen it work . I - - I should never have said that , Danny . I 'm - - I 'm sorry . " Which floored Daniel . Tad really was one of those perfect people who never admits error in anything , and who has the looks , attitude and charisma to pull it off . If he says the sky is green , it sorta - kinda would be - - even when it 's really blue . If he says the world is flat - - hell , not even the horizon will argue with him . But here was big , bad , beautiful Tad - - oops , Theodore J . Bentley , the Third ( I keep forgetting , one must have one 's moniker correct , you know , and . . . and . . . oh , the hell with it ; let him snarl ) - - here he was , admitting error . It knocked Daniel off center just enough for the bastard to jump in with , " It 's just - - Danny , this series - - it 's only as good as the scripts I hand over for those jerks with the network to mangle with their notes and suggestions and stupid - shit ideas and - - and , you - - you 've got six books out there , all nice and neat and selling and all yours and - - and all I got is my ass on the line , putting more money into this project than I should 've , hiring that twerp and - - and the meeting 's Monday ! At noon ! If you don 't do this , I 'm fucked . I 'm totally fucked . I 'll get sued and put in jail and spend my life bankrupt . Please help me , Daniel Bettancourt ; you 're my only hope . " Aw , jeez , the " Star Wars " reference ! ? That was below the belt ! And it will continue to change till I 'm done with it . I can polish my work to the point of madness . You see , Master Bentley was one of those young , perfect East Coast types who just KNOWS he 's meant to be perfect on the West Coast ( meaning Hollywood , baby , since he 'd already produced and shown one whole cable movie ; helps to know the background of the natives ) . And because of that one movie , he was already considered a player by both coasts . It helped that it was based on a rather successful mystery novel written by Daniel - - " High - Heeled Moccasins , " featuring yours truly , Ace Shostakovich . And the crème - de - la - crème was that he even had an option on two other books of Daniel 's to make into a crime series for cable . Also featuring me . Meaning , yes - - I 'm the lead character in them books . But if you think it 's weird somebody who 's not real is telling this story , you ain 't seen what happened , yet . Overall , Daniel ( excuse me , Daniel J . Bettancourt , but I get to call him Dan - O ) has six of my mysteries to his credit . Unfortunately , being published don 't necessarily mean you 're making enough to live on in New York City . So while Tad was flying high playing Mr . Producer , my guy was still tending bar at two different jobs . Until this . . . well . . . " problem " arose . You see , Little Sir Great - and - glorious went out and hired this overpriced twenty - one - year - old - Cheeto - eater ( who people SWORE was the hottest screenwriter in Hollywood since Orson Welles ) to do the adaptations of those two books into scripts . Give him something to show the money boys . And Tad had just gotten the screenplays . And he 'd arranged to meet with the " yea or nay " guy at HBO on Monday . And only then had he sat down to read the damned things - - and had seen his fledgling career crash and burn before his designer contacts . Seems the Cheeto - eater 'd had so little interaction with reality ( since birth , probably ) , he had problems making fictional characters act like real ones instead of second - rate film noir clichés with crap dialog . But just as he was about to fake - toss himself off the balcony of his 45th floor condo , great - anAw , jeez , the " Star Wars " reference ! ? That was below the belt ! Posted by Still nothing on RIHC6v1 with Amazon . Or from my publisher . It 's ALL available on B & N , both volumes , both electronically AND in paperback . So how much of a dick do I want to be ? So . . . being in a mood , I watched another episode of " Dexter " . . . and wound up shaking my head . This is episode 4 of season 1 and while the series is interesting in some ways , it is so dumb in others . A serial killer breaks into Dexter 's condo to get ideas for a " game " they 're to play together , and Dexter , who 's supposed to be really smart and amoral , doesn 't t check to make sure everything he owns is intact . He only stumbles upon clues left in his home as he stumbles through trying to catch this taunting murderer . Also , a man is kept bound to a gurney for 3 - 4 days , bits of him being cut off every 24 hours to send messages to Dexter , yet when he 's found he looks clean and healthy , not dehydrated , not filthy from his own urine since he 's obviously not catheterized but had no place to pee , not delirious from loss of blood or the fact that he 's now a double amputee or shock or anything , untouched by the rats shown running about the place . A very Catholic woman praying in a church gets up and goes straight to see someone when a true Catholic would pause at the aisle to kneel in respect before turning her back on the altar ( I 'm not even Catholic and I know better than that ) . It 's dumb little things like this that take me out of a story by killing the truth of it , and that 's often why I dislike movies other people like - - such as " Mystic River " and " Atonement " and " Pulp Fiction . " They pull stunts in those films that I just plain did not believe . Hell , I didn 't even like " Sophie 's Choice " because it was so much of a set - up movie ( meant to make you FEEL and come to certain TRUTHS through deliberate mash - ups of absurd characters ) , I yawned at the denouement . And yes , I know , I seem to violate a story 's truth , too , at times . . . but in my case it 's usually at the service of the story ( not always , but far more often than not ) . I got comments that some of the people in LD don 't act correctly for what they purport to be . . . and they 're right ; they don 't , and in such a way as to seem ridiculous . But it was all to a specific point - - that Daniel might be going crazy - - tho ' I guess I should make that a bit clearer . And that 's if you 're lucky . But at least this guy has the right idea . . . if he doesn 't mind . ( I get the feeling he wants to direct , due to the storyboards in the BG . ) My problem was , I was stupid enough to think you can 't make a movie without a script , so the scriptwriter is most important . It took me years to realize I was in this " Alice In Wonderland " world where up is down and left is right and value is measured by who 's willing to blow you in order to get ahead . No wonder I never " got " the game ; nobody wanted to even kiss me . I THINK it 's become more dynamic with a definite forward motion . . . but you never know . I may post chapter 1 in bits once I 've gone back over and proofed for typos and missing words . I 'm bad about that when I get running . I also need to make sure I keep track of which version I 'm dealing with . I think I sent out an unproofed version of the story to a couple of people I 'd asked for feedback . Dumb . I 've begun watching Season One of " Dexter " on Netflix . It 's available for immediate viewing ; none of this waiting for the disk to come . So far I 'm enjoying it more than I did " True Blood " but it does seem a bit casual about reality . . . even within its own universe . ALL of my books are available at Barnes & Noble ( see link at bottom of page ) and four of them are in Nook format ! They 've even linked to the anthology that holds my novella , " Perfection . " Amazon won 't even CONSIDER doing that . In fact , they 're still dicking around with putting back up the paperback of RIHC6v1 and have yet to post the electronic edition of RIHC6v2 . So I 'm still buying my stuff from B & N . Amazon is just too much of a pain in the butt . I 'm currently reading Stephen Sondheim 's " " Finishing the Hat " and it 's fun . . . but it 's not as detailed about how he made his greatest musicals as I thought it would be . I bought it because " Cyber - Tribes " ( my update of Aristophanes ' " The Birds " ) wants to be a rock - musical . I even have songs I 'm using as templates for it - - like " Undisclosed Desires " and " Uprising " by Muse on their " Resistance " album . Man , I 'm building up a backlog of works to complete ; I better get down to it and stop sitting around whimpering and whining so damn much . Keith Olbermann either quit or was forced out at MSNBC , probably due to Comcast buying them out or merging or something ; I 'm not clear who 's after whom , here . The right wing assholes are crowing because the few liberal voices on the air are being silenced , one by one . Rachel Maddow is probably next . I 've already begun to refer to America as the US - STFU - A since the rich have become owners of the whole fucking country and its treasury , and thank you so fucking much , Obama , for helping them . One term , asshole . We 've had that happen before - - beginning with Grant 's administration running right up to Teddy Roosevelt . . . more than 30 years of GOP theft with Democrats acquiescing - - and we 'll wind up just as screwed up as we were then . Hell , one US Rep in Congress has actually said that child labor laws are unconstitutional ( they aren 't ; he was referencing the wrong Supreme Court Decision . . . but I wouldn 't put it past Scalia and Thomas to agree with the bastard if it was brought before them , again ) . And most of the dickwads who put us there will never admit just how wrong or stupid they were to help that happen . The devil has taken hold , again , and will not let go till he 's done . Sometimes I start in on a story thinking the characters are who they claim to be but then begin to realize I 've got them backwards . Not something as simple as thinking they 're good when they 're really bad or vice versa , but motivations and intentions and meaning can suddenly be reversed and make a hundred times more sense in the whole schematic of the tale being told . It doesn 't happen often , but when it does I get lost for a little while and have to thrash my way back out of the forest into the sunlight to regain my bearings . I have some examples . . . but I honestly don 't want to share them because I think they 'd mess with people 's ideas about my writing . Well . . . I do have one I can reference - - Curt in " How To Rape A Straight Guy . " When I first started writing the book , I built him up as a dangerous man on the verge of madness , with a rage that is overwhelming him , and that is still in there . Plus I knew it was heading for a nasty showdown but didn 't know exactly what until he suddenly made a connection with one of his victims that startled even him . Then he shifted from a rabid dog into a wounded animal and his life was opened up to me , even though he really did not want it to be . This has me wondering if I was always meant to write books and just got myself focused on movies because of my art background . In school right up through college I took classes in art . I sketched and painted and fought with teachers over my work and could see myself as a starving artist out to be the next Picasso or even de Kooning . But in high school I began to write and draw out odd little comic books that I never finished . I also wrote short stories in long hand , in pencil , on a yellow pad - - including one about a serial killer that my English teacher really liked . I was heavy into mysteries at the time and especially liked the Ellery Queen series . I 'd just finished reading " Cat of Nine Tales " and tried something similar , and he felt my story could have been a full - fledged book . But then I just stopped and kept on with the art . And then with film . And then with screenwriting . Paying minimal attention to the narrative writing except on rare occasions . I can see why ; I 'm a visual person , sometimes tactile but not really very intellectual or honestly aware of how life functions . I mean , I 'm not incapable of coherent thought , it 's just not my first choice . . . rather obviously , at times . But now that I write books I 'm finding myself trying to build an artist 's image with movement and sound in the mind of a reader and have no idea if I 'm really being successful because I don 't have the reference points most people carry to tell me when I 'm being an idiot and when I 'm not . I just have this gut reaction when something 's right in my work , and I could no more explain why it is than I could quantum physics . I guess my point is . . . by finally focusing on my deepening dyslexia , I 'm seeing things I didn 't see before in my writing . And wondering if I 've been neglecting it for no more reason than part of my brain just isn 't where it needs to be . It 's just vanished . So if anyone sees it running around , would you please point it back in my direction ? It would be nice to be whole of mind , again . For a while , anyway . Ideas are beginning to pop into my mind over " The Lyons ' Den . " Off - beat things that may add to the clarity of the story and clean up the opening . Some of the feedback I 've gotten I agree with ; some I do not ; some I don 't even begin to understand . But it 's all good because it frees my mind from too close a link to the story and lets me question its telling and the teller - - not me but Ace . He and I are going to have fun with this . Something that gave me a surprising boost in awareness was watching " Born Yesterday " ( 1950 ) , again . It 's a neatly constructed comedy with some brutally serious moments that has the typical message of how corruption is ruining everything America stands for . Still a salient problem in the country , today , but lately its less because of money and more because of a corrupt ideology taking hold . However , it was a quiet moment halfway into the movie that gave me a good smack . Some background on the movie , first . It 's how the crass , dumb girlfriend of a crass , corrupt wheeler - dealer guy starts being " educated " by a newspaper reporter and winds up realizing she 's been sleepwalking through life and wants to make a change in her direction . . . something the wheeler - dealer doesn 't like . It 's all " if you read books you 'll learn " kind of thinking - - with great reliance on the works of Thomas Payne and Thomas Jefferson and the like - - but the movie slyly points out that sometimes well - intentioned writers get so lost in their words they forget their meaning . So what happens is , outside the Library of Congress the reporter ( played by William Holden ) asks the girlfriend ( played by Billie Holliday ) if she read an article he wrote . She did , and she didn 't understand any of it . " And I looked up every word ! " He has her read it aloud to him and it 's full of elegant thought and five dollar verbiage and I understood it , perfectly . She still doesn 't get it . So he explains it to her in a simple , straightforward way . . . and the light goes on in her head and she says , " Why didn 't you say so ? " And he has no answer . That 's then LD started knocking at the back of my brain . And a little whisper started in my head saying , " You know , sometimes you obscure the simple facts with a lot of crap . " And I think that 's what I did with the beginning of the novel , hiding it behind Ace doing his verbal dance . I don 't set the story up right , and that 's why the opening is slow and difficult to connect with . So . . . that 's where I start . And I 've already got ideas of how to bring clarity to confusion and obfuscation ( See ? I know big words , too ) . Looks like I may be in California sooner than I expected . Today we learned that big packing job in NYC is off ; they couldn 't justify the expense for the books that were going to be shipped out to London . I 'm still doing a 2 - day trip to ship over the cream of the crop , but that 's it . Meaning I may be sent to handle the Pasadena Book Fair on the 6th with followup on the 7th . We 're discussing that , tomorrow . Thing is , I 'll then need to be in San Francisco on the 10th to handle a new deal we 're offering . . . so it 's going to be interesting , to say the least . But I may have a couple days to visit family and friends instead of just an evening . It 's going to be bittersweet , being in LA . I 've given up on writing screenplays but , like an addict , still have the urge and the dream . Don 't get me wrong , I like writing books and love digging into the characters . . . but some things in my stories can only be done on film to get the full effect . And it pains me to think I wasn 't able to do that . For example : I wrote an update of sorts on the " Beauty and the Beast " story , setting it in a private school in Ann Arbor , Michigan during the winter . Beauty is named Charl ( Charlotte ) , whose father is being driven to bankruptcy , and " the beast " is Mitch , a boy who 's mostly deaf and very ill - kempt . Things happen to where Charl is forced to go on five dates with Mitch , even though she doesn 't have the time ( she 's taken over as maid to her older , spoiled brother and sister ) . Things do NOT go well on the first two and Charl almost breaks the third date ( to a Christmas dance ) but then her father tells her Mitch is downstairs and she decides to keep her agreement . So she gets dressed in a Princess gown that was rejected by her sister and starts down the stairs and sees Mitch . . . and he 's cleaned up and adorable . And it 's this moment . . . using a one - handed , Sati - like piano rendition of George Auric 's elegant melody from Cocteau 's " La Belle et La Bete " . . . as Charl descends the stairs and lets Mitch pin a corsage to her dress and slip a coat over her shoulders and lead her outside to see their chariot is a 1961 Lincoln Continental convertible with a chauffeur as he gently escorts her down to it and makes sure she 's comfortable and warm before they drive away , all under her father 's gentle gaze . . . all done in one shot with the camera softly gliding around them and with them and not a word of dialog . . . I can just see it . I know it would have been magical . Quick quiz - - is the fox howling , yawning or calling out , " Hey , baby , hey , baby , hey , baby " ? Not the best looking yipper I 've ever seen but he does seem intent . I can be intent . And my hair 's about the same as his . Maybe we 're first cousins . No . . . he 's too close to a dog and I 've always been more of a cat lazing about waiting for something to do . Y ' know , under the new rendition of the horoscope , I 'd be a Cancer . Considering how crabby I can get and how unlike a Leo I 've ever really been , that may explain a lot . I don 't laze like a kitteh ; I walk sideways into the future . Just meandering , still . No coherent thoughts to share beyond the idea it 's time to finish LD and shift my life back to POS . This sojourn has been illuminating and may color the story differently . . . but I won 't know till I return to it . Everything is correct on Amazon except for the paperback edition of volume one of RIHC6 . That 's still not listed . The publisher knows and is working on it . I guess I 'll wait till he 's done his thing before I say anything more . Thing is , I sort of like this one . It 's not as intense as mine , but it does have Eric front and center with both Bobby and Allen in the background , and it fits in with the whole look . So I said run with it . My ego 's not that big . . . not yet . BTW , blogging the Golden Globes live is nowhere near as much fun as watching it live . I felt more like one of those reporters watching the teletype wire in a 1930 's crime movie and almost screamed for a " copy boy " twice since I was writing at the same time . You 'd have to watch something like " His Girl Friday " to understand . Still no word on if I 'm going to NYC this Friday or when I 'm off to LA . We 're waiting for this auction house to okay the cost for the packing job , first . Again . . . waiting and waiting . I tried to stream a broadcast of the Golden Globes , since I don 't have a TV , and guess what ? You can 't . It 's blacked out . I can get blogs updating the show every few minutes or so , but can 't watch the show itself , not even on NBC 's own site . How dumb is that ? I worked more on " Crazy Is " while doing my laundry ; one of the joys of having a laptop . I finally understand what the story is about and it 's settling into its new meaning . . . or actual meaning , since I didn 't know what the meaning was before . . . except I did , I just couldn 't figure out which synapse of my brain it was in and then had to find the proper code to release it and I think I better stop talking now . But it 's up to 6500 words and I still have no idea how long it will be . Okay . . Al Pacino and Aaron Sorkin are now winners . Not unhappy . But now I think I will get a TV . I want to watch the Spirit Awards when they broadcast since they have a fun time mocking everything . I may watch the video of the Golden Globes just to see Gervais in action . I 'm still having issues with Amazon over the re - posting of my banned books . . . though they are slowly addressing the issues I bring up - - like spelling my name wrong . I just don 't understand why that 's so hard to do correctly . It 's on the friggin ' cover , for crying out loud . But it 's not just Amazon ; I 'm having the same issue at Barnes & Noble . . . which makes me wonder if it 's the publisher just uploading it wrong . Which makes no sense ; they KNOW my name and how to spell it correctly since it 's done right in the contracts . If it wasn 't , I might be able to get out of them . But I 'm not just being a prima dona , here . If my name 's not right in their systems , the books don 't link up with the Kindles and Nooks so people can 't see everything that 's offered . Which may hurt sales . So this is more mercenary . . . for the hope of eventually being paid something in the way of royalties . Another problem is , the Kindles don 't have prices . When you go to those listings of my books , they say the pricing is not available . I asked the publisher about this and he said he 'd tried to correct it , already . Well . . . until there 's a price , nobody can buy the download . So I 'm hitting Amazon over that one , too . I got my last bit of feedback on " The Lyons ' Den " and need to rework the opening third . It seems to be the weakest part for everyone . Oh , well . . . I may have let Ace get a little carried away with some of his ways and word plays . Let 's see what consensus he and I can come to . Man . . . it seems the more I write the sloppier my typing becomes , and it was all over the place on LD . I dropped words and letters and reversed meanings and forgot entire sentences . Either my brain is too fast or my fingers is too slow . . . or a combination of the two . Maybe my dyslexia is finally catching up to me . Well . . . five of my books are back up on Amazon but not RIHC6v1 in paperback . And while the three Kindles are back , there 's no pricing information on HTRASG or RIHC6v1 so you can 't buy them . I guess I just need to keep pointing out the problems and eventually they 'll get fixed . . . but it IS irritating . Still it 's better than being banned completely . I keep telling myself . I got the contract and PDF for proofing of " Bobby Carapisi , volume 3 " today . I 've already gone over some of it and found one typo . And I had an odd moment where I was reading it as if it were someone else 's writing . I 'll get it done this weekend and ready to be finished . Unfortunately , this set doesn 't sell very well , and it 's the one I 'm - - well , not that I 'm proudest of but that means the most to me . Well . . . now I can feel I 've done right by all the characters in it , by at least getting their stories out there and available to share , all in one continuous set . Now it can be let rest . Seems I 've spent my whole life waiting . Waiting to hear what my schedule will be fore the next four weeks . Whether or not I 'll be in NYC packing books . When I 'm headed to California for either the Pasadena Book Fair or San Francisco . When I 'll get all my feedback back so I can get to work on draft 3 of LD . If Amazon 's really going to republish my books like they said they were . Will I ever make money at this writing crap ? On and on and on . And it wears on you . So I worked more on " Crazy Is " - - and it 's back to being a scream , again , albeit in a weird way . I now have 5600 words and no idea how long it 's going to be . One character - - the ex - con - - has softened himself at the beginning but now is back to being spooky . His interrogator presented herself as one thing and now might be another , but has yet to be truthful and honest about anything she 's done or said . And this one is going to mess with gender identity . A lot . And the hell with how sex has been politicized . I watched the rest of " Pornography , a Thriller " and somebody needed to be told that to carry off a David Lynch style film , you at least need some style like David Lynch . And understanding . This movie violated its own truth so many times in so many ways , it was like someone just wrote a bunch of scenes , chucked them into a blender and formed that into a screenplay , and don 't worry about connecting anything because obscurity is our friend . To me the purest example of dishonesty in a movie is when someone is being chased and attacked . If the victim just presses back against a wall and lets the attacker come up to them and grab them and then somehow be able to stick a needle into them and inject some kind of drug and all that crap - - it 's bullshit . It 's the truest revelation that the filmmaker is lazy or just doesn 't care . There 's nothing new or unusual about this sort of stupid moment . I remember seeing " The Spiral Staircase " on TV years ago , about a girl driven mute by a tragedy who 's being stalked by a serial killer . It was made in 1946 and has Ethyl Barrymore and Dorothy Malone in it and nice big production values , but early on the movie lost me because when one girl is strangled , she holds her hands up in a beautiful pose that is backlit and elegant and meaningful and nonsense . She 'd fight like a maniac as she 's being choked to death . But that 's not pretty and way too real . The same thing goes for gun violence . On TV and in movies , the hero fires one shot from his pistol and kills the bad guy , and people think pistols are really that accurate . They aren 't . Rifles are , but pistols can send bullets all over the place . That 's why so many innocent bystanders get killed in drive - bys and why some maniac firing 30 bullets into a crowd only hits half his targets even though he 's in the middle of the crowd . Hmm . . . weird rant going on here . I think I need to shower , shave and go to bed . And dream of sugarplums that look like Chris Evans . And get past a part of " Crazy Is " where the ex - con talks about just wanting to be with someone for a little bit . Someone who 'll have his back and he can feel safe with . It 's affecting me weirdly , this story . Shifting slightly in tone and timbre , to my surprise . I had a bit of a narrative prologue to set up the story , but that changed to all dialog , too , and suddenly it 's not just a scream , anymore , but a keening and a siren 's call and a whisper in the shadows . I 'm up over 4300 words with no real structure for to what 's coming out . It 's so much like the back and forth between two people who don 't trust each other , one of whom is being duplicitous as the other shifts his stance every few moments to reflect his distrust of his partner in this dance . They don 't even have names , so far , nor do they seem to want them . Very odd , for me . Thinking about it , I don 't even have an image of how they look in my head . Both are like quick , indicative sketches that maneuver about each other in ways that seem human but only barely . I wonder what I 'm saying here , not having the distinction of observation ? I wonder if the whole point is that it should be like you 're in a restaurant and you overheard two people talking at a nearby table but you have no concept of what they mean or intend even as the conversation grows deeper and more intense and a bit scary . You can 't see whose voices they are ; your vision is obscured . And it takes everything you have to figure out what is really happening even as you think , " I shouldn 't be listening in on this ; it 's impolite . " I got a response from Amazon , today . . . and they say they 're putting my books back up . That me sending them snippets of the books and telling them what the stories are about ( and just plain not shutting up like so many people told me to on the blogs I visited ) gave them the excuse they needed to reverse their decision . I 'm leery of believing it until everything 's back online . . . but the fact is , they did say they would . And now I 'll just wait and see before I do any more screaming . I am pretty battered by this whole business , however . This one thread I was invited to join in on to discuss my books being banned turned into a nasty back and forth , with many of the posters telling me Amazon could do as it liked and I hadn 't been really harmed by it and even accusing me of making up the entire situation to try and get sales for my books and that I was stupid for putting those titles on them and I really was nothing but a pornographer . Without specifically saying so ( for the most part ) , I was made out to be a liar , idiot , whiny baby , naive fool , asshole and all - around manipulative jerk . Some people agreed with me but the anti - Kyle crowd was louder . And now the thread 's been shut down due to " personal attacks . " The internet is great because it gives you access to anything you want . Information , ideas , images , individuals you 'd never be able to meet in your lifetime . But it also is vile because it provides anonymity and that destroys civility . I won 't say I 've been innocent of being uncivil ; on more than one occasion I snapped back at those who snapped at me . What I will say is I do not do the anonymous commenter crap . I own my comments . Sometimes it 's hard to do , but I will not lower myself to the level of a cockroach and scurry into the woodwork when a light is shined on me . So now I 'm tired . My scream of a story is closing in on 4000 words and it 's all dialog between two people . . . and I don 't know why it 's like that , but that 's how it 's coming out . And you want to hear the title ? " Crazy Is . " Does that make one damn bit of sense to anybody ? But as can sometimes happen ( more and more , lately ) a newer , angrier story popped up and took me by the throat and lead into my fury over Gabrielle Giffords ' shooting . And today I worked on it more and have 2800 words . When the muse screams in your ear , you pay attention . I will not be posting this story on here in any way , form or fashion ; I 've given it full free rein and it 's very dark and brutal . Sort of a way to spew steam , especially since the so - called liberal media is swallowing the right - wing - nuts ' myth about the shooting - - that Democrats and Liberals were just as nasty as they were . And never mind you have Sean Hannity , Glenn Beck , Rush Limbaugh , Bill O ' Reilly and every person on Fox News spewing lies and made up facts , daily , and using everything they can to keep people afraid and listening to their hate , two years ago MoveOn . org made up a campaign using Hitler images , and that shows the left is just as bad . Oh , I tried to watch my John Waters - style movie about porn . . . but the disk stopped about halfway and wouldn 't start up , again . So I 'm getting a replacement . . . because I want to figure out what the hell the damn movie 's about . If it 's one of those movie within a movie within a man 's mind kind of things . I mean , some of the script is really good but most of it is dumb and violates its own truth . And the acting is VERY uneven . Which is sad . Maybe I ought to just go get copies of " Pink Flamingoes " and " Female Trouble " and get my Waters fix that way , ' cause " Pornography : A Thriller " takes itself WAY too seriously . I did like " Serial Mom " and " Hairspray . " Haven 't seen " Lust in the Dust . " I guess I 'll rearrange my queue on Netflix . And Sarah Palin 's already taken down her hit list , which had Rep . Giffords ' name on it with a bullseye . I 'm so sickened by this , I can 't even think straight . . . or maybe I should change that phrase to " . . . think queer " . Since I ain 't straight . I wasn 't far wrong ; the haters are blaming the shooting on liberals . One asshole even posted a comment on KGUN ( talk about inappropriate ) that swore nothing but liberals and Democrats commit assassinations . Diseased is the only word for this scum . I 've set up links on a couple of blogs and sites , leading to their Barnes & Noble pages . I 've already noticed them selling . Nothing fantastic , yet , but it 's a beginning . I made enchiladas this evening , with Spanish rice and refried beans , and I now feel fat and sassy . Probably put on all the weight I lost in the last month . . . but I don 't care . It 's not like I 'm going looking for love . I 've gotten feedback from a couple people on LD and so far the consensus is the opening doesn 't do its job in grabbing them and making this a " must read . " Valid point . Let 's see what others have to say . Now I 'm going to watch a movie called " Pornography , A Thriller . " It was highly recommended by a site I go to - - Billy Loves Stu , which is all about horror movies and the gay undertones in them . Besides , with a title like that , it has to be camp and I feel like something in the John Waters vein , right now . Hope it lives up to my expectations . I know this is not my usual sort of commentary , lately , but I saw this picture the other day and I 've been obsessing over it ever since . I mean , I like " Maroon 5 " - - albeit not as much as " Depeche Mode " - - but Adam always came across as a self - centered ego en route to arrogance . Now ? I feel my inner superficial twit coming to the fore and all I can think of is , " He is so fucking gorgeous . " Damn , rich , young , beautiful , talented - - I hate him . But not enough to silence my inner twit . . . or ever ignore him , again . I guess I should be happy to know I can be just as shallow as anyone else . I 'm feeling weird . . . and I know it 's because I 'm not writing on any of my books . I 'm waiting to hear from the people I 've given LD to for feedback so don 't want to begin on POS , yet . And the withdrawal is making me crazy . Maybe I 'll do a short piece and post that , or something . With Adam Levine as the central character . Hmm . . . maybe not . I 've already been accused of being a pornographer , once ; don 't want to add slash writer to it . . . unless I could work Zachary Quinto 's Spock into the mix . Hmm . . . . . . . . . . . . I just got a kick in the pants from Jake , one of my characters in " Rape In Holding Cell 6 . " He wants to be in a new story , especially now that the bastards at Amazon won 't sell the books he 's in ( tho ' BN . com does ) . And he gave me a strong indication as to what that story will be . And I 'm starting to get nervous about my goals . I want to do one more draft of " The Lyons ' Den " once I get feedback from some people I asked to read it . Got one guy 's , so far , and he made an interesting point that may need to be addressed . Which will make it a more intense job than I thought . . . but I like Daniel and Van and want to do right by them . So that 's next on the agenda . Then comes a full first draft of " Place of Safety . " I 've been a wimp and weasel as regards that story , and it 's time to end the wishy - washiness . Brendan 's ready , and I know how to add more humor and fun to the story , even as it grows darker and darker . I 'm finally passing my pissed - off stage concerning Amazon and have contacted the ACLU about the issue to see what they think . I 've had a number of people on various blogs CONTINUE to point out Amazon 's a private company ( not exactly ; it 's sold in the NYSE so has a different standard it must follow from a privately held company ) and can carry or not carry my books as they wish , with only a few agreeing with me about how wrong this is . So much for a ground - swell of support against the company 's censorship . I guess having a Kindle is more important than having access to all the books ever printed . I 've stung Amazon by getting people to shift to Nooks and close their accounts , and by my own purchase of several books through Barnes & Noble , but it wasn 't badly enough to matter , really . Not gonna give up , but this has been taking too much time and focus . . . and the fact is , I can send people to BN . com to buy my books . So we 'll see what happens over the next couple weeks . I did learn from an attorney friend if I want to file a lawsuit against that reporter , I 'd have to do it in Seattle . Meaning I 'd have to find a lawyer there who 'd be willing to take the case on . Irritating but still a possibility . One last note - - the new version of " Huckleberry Finn " , cleansed of the " n " word . It 's a desecration of a great work that consistently shows how vile and stupid and ill - conceived that word was , but apparently modern Americans are incapable of understanding that . So it 's been replaced with the word " slave . " And lots of it . I 've shoveled my car out from under it twice , today . I 'd take a photo of it but my camera vanished into some JetBlue employee 's pocket and I can 't afford to buy a new one , yet . I 've got to get ready for taxes . I 've been having fun with a forum thread on this site - - http : / / www . mobileread . com / - - as regards censorship and Amazon 's dropping my books . After some back and forth with people who say Amazon 's a private company and can do as it likes ( which is true , to an extent ) I finally realized the anti - me people think I self - published my books , and I didn 't . Amazon had an agreement with The Nazca Plains Corporation , which is different from me as an individual writer having an account and posting the books on my own . To be honest , I don 't know what that agreement or contract or whatever it 's called actually says ( Amazon only provides the self - published one ) , but the info people 're using to try and slap me down is wrong . My books were published in trade paperback for years . They 've been available in stores ( I 've seen them on bookshelves at Different Light in San Francisco and Los Angeles ) . You can get them through Barnes & Noble ; Amazon does not have an exclusive on them . I have hard copies of the books . So that changes the game . I wonder if the people I 'm in contact with at Amazon realize that ? So I 'm still taking time off from writing and trying to get my house in order ( literally ; I rearranged my apartment because I needed to find space for 35 boxes of papers and books coming from San Antonio ) and I 'm driving along to the freight company to pick up my second load of boxes when , just as I 'm slipping onto the freeway , who should pop up but Gretta ( a character from " The Lyons ' Den " ) with this hysterical idea for her background . Well , since I 'm still an old - fashioned writer who still keeps paper and pen around so he can scribble ideas down , I grab a sheet and am writing her comments in the worst scrawl imaginable as I 'm clipping down the road at 65 ( speed limit 's 55 ) . And I 'm laughing . And it 's trying to snow . And traffic is caught in that ludicrous mix of people screaming along at 80 while an ungodly number of older folks are toodling down the road at 40 . So for a moment I feel like I 'm playing dodge - ball with 2 - ton vehicles on my left , right , back and front . BUT . . . once I got off the freeway and got my last set of boxes and had a chance to pause and reflect and look at what I 'd written . . . I got to laughing , again . Gretta 's an off - beat con - woman - floozy - slut in the book ( and play and script ) but now her actions make sense to me . And she did it in such a way as to make me look like a crazed fool . I 'm sure the guy at the freight company thought I 'd been run out of Texas on a rail for psychosis , or something like that . http : / / www . latimes . com / business / la - fi - amazon - kindle - qanda - 20101229 , 0 , 3286073 . story If he didn 't know that when the interview took place , then he 's incompetent . . . at best . I 've already fired off an e - mail to the reporter informing him of Amazon 's actions ( not just in the US but also the UK ) and linking him to the other sites ranting about this . They 're listed below , if anyone wants to follow them . Of course , it IS true that Amazon has the right to sell or not sell anything it wants . BUT . . . then they shouldn 't say they want to have " EVERY BOOK EVER PRINTED , IN PRINT OR OUT , AVAILABLE ( on Kindle ) " . " How To Rape A Straight Guy " was made available through them back in September of 2007 and they 've sold hundreds ( if not thousands ; I haven 't had an update on the actual sales , yet ) of copies . " Rape in holding Cell 6 " was on for over a year . And not once did they contact me or the publisher for a response before de - listing them and basically telling us to fuck off . Which means . . . I DO have the right to bitch , gripe and complain about ill treatment at their hands . And I 'm gonna . It 's all melted . Seems they had a warm snap up here , while I was in Texas , and now there are flood watches everywhere . Crazy weather . I 'll deal with Amazon beginning Monday , but something I just recalled . Paul Krugman , whose blog on economics I follow ( but admittedly don 't always understand ) , waxed eloquently about his Kindle . I wonder if he knows it 's now a tool of corporate censorship ? I know 3 people who 've decided to get a " Nook " from B & N instead of a Kindle . I hope I can get more to follow .

So obviously I read a bunch of SSSM yesterday . Sorry Jane Austen fans , but even an narwhal attaching Sub Marine Station Beta ( aka London on the bottom of the ocean ) couldn 't make me care any more about lame - o Edward Ferrars and the rest of the crew . At least with PPandZ I was engaged in the actual story line , but I just don 't see it ending very well for anyone in SSSM . Poor Dashwood sisters . . . sigh . In other news , I had a good 10 mi run on the treadmill . I think this is going to be my new long run distance for a little while . It was enough that I was feeling fatigued at the end but not so much that I struggled to keep a good pace . The gym was busy yesterday but there was just enough turn over that no one kicked me off . I think I might try to do my long run on Thursday or Friday next week so it 's less crowded . Hopefully after that our treadmill will be fixed , and I won 't have to worry about jockeying for a treadmill at the crowded gym ( which is the whole point of having our own ) . So this brings the weekly workout totals to : Run : 34 miSpin : 1xYoga : 5x ( planning to do it today ) Pushups : 3xOtherwise I got everything done on my list except yoga yesterday , but I decided I needed a nap instead . The concert last night was good . We saw Jim Hurst , who I guess you would call a folk guitarist , play at a tiny coffee shop on the East Side . We were the youngest people there by 30 years ( since when is that new ? ) , but the music was good , and it was nice to get out and do something different . Today is another church - filled day . I also need to practice piano and do some yoga , but otherwise all the urgent chores have been finished . Hope you all have a relaxing Sunday . I don 't think he reads this , but just in case , here 's a Happy Birthday shout out to my little brother . He 's 24 now - and 6 ' 4 " - so I guess he 's not so little . This picture was taken before my wedding , but it 's one of my favorites of us from the " modern era " . Last night 's dinner was very good . The surprise hit of the evening : escargot . Neither one of us had eaten it before , but it was really good . I expected it to have a chewier , grittier texture more like some shellfish , but it was very tender . It really tasted like a mushroom more than anything else ( D called it a cross between shrimp and a mushroom ) . So ceviche and escargot have both been moved from the " slightly scary " food list to the " very tasty " food list . Today will be busy . Starting with getting ready to go so I can hit the grocery store when it opens at 8 . Then I 'm running 10mi at 9 on the gym treadmill ( hoping our treadmill parts get here soon ! ) . After that is family phone calls , dust / vacuum / mop , dealing with the mail and paying bills , practicing piano , hopefully going to hot yoga ( or doing it here ) , and going to a concert this evening . Actually , now that I have it all written out , it doesn 't seem like that much . Plus many of the things ( running , piano , phone calls , yoga , going to the concert ) are things I want to do rather than have to do . And the things I have to do are not that bad ( i . e . not laundry ) . Well , I guess I better get moving here . I love being the only customer at Trader Joe 's when it opens . No stress about getting all your stuff bagged AND swiping your card by the time the cashier is done ringing you up . Ah , so nice . Have a good Saturday , all . I 'm not trying to * complain * about winter because I said this year I wasn 't going to * complain * , but I am going to state that it was really cold out yesterday and it 's really cold out today ( - 2 air temperature ) and I would prefer that not to be the case . Yesterday I had to go to the computer science building to get some paperwork signed with D , and when I tried to take the bus back , it was so packed with lazy undergrads ( the ones who just take the bus up the hill - you know who you are ) that I had to walk all the way back to my building . Yeah it was only a mile or so , but a mile or so when it 's 4 degrees out ( or whatever ) is a long way to walk . I spent the rest of the day at work chilled , and when I got home I had to get in the shower with the hot water cranked up until I could thaw out enough to put on my yoga clothes . Okay , okay , rant over . Despite having a darn good week of running so far , I 'm planning to do the elliptical today . I really want to run , but I 'm really paranoid about doing too much too soon ( especially since I 'm trying to more speed work ) and getting hurt . So elliptical it is . ( BTW , when I did my " speedy " session at the end of my run yesterday , I got all the way up to 7 . 9 . Maybe one of these days I 'll venture into the " 8s " , haha . Definitely uncharted territory . ) Tonight 's restaurant week dinner is at Ocean 's Grill . I 've been there once before for a restaurant week lunch , and it was very good , so I 'm looking forward to going back and trying something different . I 've been cooking , too , but nothing very photogenic . We made a hash brown / egg casserole on Monday evening ( needed to use up eggs and potatoes ) that would have been better if I 'd used packaged hash browns rather than trying to make my own like the recipe suggested . Wednesday we had pizza , and last night we had chicken tamale casserole . I got my abstract okay - ed at work , and I hope to get it submitted today . The submission deadline is Monday , but I like to do it a little early just in case something weirdo happens . This turned out to be both gooPosted by Because it 's " feels like " - 13 . So obviously it 's another treadmill morning . I 'm planning to do 5 . 75 ( yeah , goofy , but I did 6 . 75 on Tuesday and I want a round number for the week ) with a little fast stuff thrown in at the end . Spinning yesterday was great . So so so nice to do something different . The workout wasn 't too hard , but I 'm sure it will get there soon . I 'm feeling much better about my two big projects at work , too . Today should * hopefully * be about finishing up the details and getting things approved for the final ( or second to final ) time . If all goes well and those things are finished today , I have a couple easy routine things that I need to do that will be slated for tomorrow so I can have a brain chillout day . My first piano lesson was good . We talked about my music background and my goals for the lessons . The teacher didn 't have any music picked out for me to start practicing ( we are going to do a lot of left hand stuff ) so we just started with scales and good playing technique . I think it will give me plenty to do because it 's been a long time since I 've played a B scale . This should be a pretty chill evening filled with yoga , piano practice , and trying a new recipe for a chicken tamale casserole - type dish . Oh yeah . . . and Bones and 30 Rock ! Although maybe I need to stop watching Bones . The rerun we saw last night was so scary I made D go get the last of the laundry because I was too afraid to go back down to the basement , haha . Yep , I 'm a wimp . . . and lazy . Have a good Thursday , everyone . Stay warm out there . Because it is 6 degrees air temperature ( - 8 with windchill ) right now . And in 25 minutes I get to stand out and wait for the bus . I got spoiled by the balmy spell in the 30 's over the weekend , but this is a helpful reminder that we still have a lot of winter left to go . And that something to warm my heart is that it has been confirmed that we have spinning ! today . YAY ! I do the spinning workout with the triathlon club so it 's always HARD . And it will be especially hard today because I haven 't done it in probably 6 weeks . One thing you can say about Wisconsin is that they / we are experts at making outside activities fun inside . My run went well yesterday . I did 6 . 75 mi with 20 min of faster running at the end . I 'm always scared to move the treadmill up into the 7s , but lately I 've been pleasantly surprised that " scary " paces aren 't actually that bad after all . Hopefully this will translate to faster running outside when that day finally comes . Last night 's dinner at Inka Heritage was really really good . I had ceviche for my appetizer , a lasagna dish with yellow pepper sauce for the entree , and a churro with chocolate sauce and lucuma ice cream . Lucuma , which I had never heard of before , has a maple / nut flavor and was maybe the highlight of the meal . Unfortunately it only grows in subtropical climates so there goes my idea to add a tree to the garden this summer . So good . So looking forward to our other restaurant week dinner on Friday . So worth blowing 2 months worth of dining out budget on two meals , haha . Work is kind of stressful right now , although I 'm trying not to let it get to me . I have two big projects that have to be finished by Monday ( and Friday would be better ) , and little things keep getting dropped in my lap . Plus I 'm having problems with an Excel file that gets corrupted every time I try to open it with SAS . Fun stuff . But I 'm making a deal with myself that I 'll get as much done as I can during normal hours today and tomorrow , and if I have to stay late to finish tomorrow evening , I 'll do it . I can 't sPosted by Sorry MarathonMaiden , I didn 't run outside yesterday . I probably should / could have - especially since it 's going to get COLD again later this week - but my love of being warm and my ( somewhat ) irrational fear of black ice won out . Is it really that bad if I don 't run outside again until March or April ? I feel like I 've handled this winter much better than last year , but still I 'm getting pretty sick of it . One of my co - workers said she considers Feb 1 . the be the middle of winter and every day after is a day closer to spring . In that case I guess it 's not so bad . We only have a few more days left in January , and I remember there being a few nice days sprinkled in March . This morning will be 6 . 5 on the treadmill and tomorrow is ( hopefully ) spinning ! ! ! again . Woohoo ! This evening is our first restaurant week dinner at Inka Heritage . I went there for lunch during restaurant week last year , and it was tasty and very different from normal Madison restaurant fare . Not sure what I 'm going to order yet , but I 'm looking forward to it ! I spent a good 45 seconds trying to come up with a better title that , but there you have it . I don 't have much to report . Between membership class and youth group and actually going to church there wasn 't time for much else . I did get up and do a 5 mi run on the treadmill , but that was it for me exercise - wise . I was going to do yoga , but instead I took an hour - long nap . I 'm having a mental debate about running outside this morning . It 's not super cold out , but we had a big melt yesterday , and it froze overnight , so I 'm not sure what the conditions are like . So it will either be 6 . 5 outside or on the treadmill . I 've also given myself a deadline of noon today to finish my abstract so I can get co - author approval . I ended up having to change around my idea at the end of last week , and I 'm still not exaaaaactly sure what I want to do , but I 'm a lot closer than I was . Just when I think I know what I 'm doing , I get a nice reminder like this that I 'm still clueless about a lot of things . Oh well . Have a good Monday , all . It 's been raining for about the last 24 hours , and I 'm hoping by the end of the day all the ice around our car will be gone . Unfortunately today is our last warm day for the week , and we 're headed back to highs in the low 20s and teens for awhile . Our youth leader retreat this weekend was fun and productive ( at least I think so ) . We drove up to the Dells Friday night after stopping for dinner at the original Culvers in Sauk City ( which is exactly like every other Culvers you have or have not been to ) . That night we had talks about the direction of the program and various high school related issues . Some people stayed up to play games and goof around , but at 11 : 30pm on Friday I was ready to crash . Saturday morning we broke into groups to discuss what we liked and disliked and brainstormed about different aspects of the program . I think this was the most productive aspect of the trip . It was nice to share some of the things I 'd been thinking about during the year , and a few of the leaders had some tips that I 'm looking forward to using in my group . All in all , I think there was good discussion , and I 'm glad we went . Plus I really enjoy the other leaders . Everyone is friendly and no one is clique - y , which can be the case at these things sometimes . We did the water park on Saturday afternoon . There were only 6 slides and not much in the way of lines so we had all the fun Kalahari had to offer us in about 2 . 5 hours . Sorry Wisconsinites . I 'm a jaded Orlando girl . Your theme parks will probably never impress me . I made myself get up at normal work - day time today so I could run before church at 9 and try to get myself back on schedule for the upcoming week . The plan is 5 mi on the treadmill because running in ( almost ) freezing rain has absolutely no appeal . Hope you all had a fun / productive / restful weekend . I got tagged by Morning Runner so here is my update in " 10 things that make me happy " form . 1 . It 's Friday ( woohoo ! ) . 2 . I got my abstract finished . Now I just have to slash about 200 characters from it . 3 . Mystery fish turned out pretty good last night . I made cornmeal crusted tilapia , except we had one salmon fillet and one talapia fillet left . It was tasty , and D . said he 's pretty sure he 's never had fried salmon before , haha . ( mmmmm . . . fish + veggies in the Buddha bowl ) 5 . I 've made some good meals this week . I used to be a terrible cook , but I 'm definitely getting better with practice . 6 . I had a good , strong 9mi yesterday on the gym treadmill . I didn 't die of boredom , and no one tried to kick me off . 7 . My mileage build - up is going well . None of my aches and pains ( both mental and physical ) that I had this time last year seem to be raising their ugly heads . 5 . I 'm feeling good for my 5mi run this morning . I rarely run 5 days in a row , so I was a little afraid this would be too much . I 'm excited to have all my miles for the week in now because . . . 8 . We 're going to Kalahari Indoor Water Park this evening for a youth retreat and staying to play tomorrow . 9 . We have reservations for restaurant week next week . 10 . I enjoy all your blogs too much to pick 10 to tag . Plus by the time things like this get to me , everyone else has already done them . But if you want to share 10 things that make you happy , well , make yourself happy : ) . Yep . I 'm actually pretty pumped up for going to work today . I spent all day yesterday getting from the very broad " My SER ( Society for Epidemiologic Research ) topic will be visual quality of life " narrowed down to something really specific that I can work with . While I 'm pretty adept at crunching numbers at this point , I had no experience with literature review or scientific writing before I started this job , and I find both of those things HARD . I actually like writing - or at least blathering on about whatever shiny thing has my attention - but when I sit down to do scientific writing I get writers block . The cure for it , I know , is lots of reading on your topic . So I spent about the first 6 hours of yesterday reading lots of papers and exploring a similar analysis that was done with our data back in 2005 . Then I spent the next 2 . 5 hours trying to write an introductory sentence or two . Ugh . My problem is that I still know so little about medical things that it 's often hard for me to understand why my topic matters . And that 's the whole point of the introduction . To convince someone your poster or whatever is interesting enough to look at / read . Anyway , I got a flash of insight right before it was time for me to go home , and I 've been mulling things over and think I 'm ready to go 100 % with my analysis today . Last night 's dinner was barbecue chicken pizza brought to us by D . Tasty as aways and super easy because we just use a pre - made crust from Trader Joe 's . Tonight 's dinner is mystery fish because we have two pieces of fish wrapped in foil in the freezer . I don 't remember what kind they are , and I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do with them . I 'm planning for 9mi on the treadmill this morning . The gym was super busy yesterday so hopefully no one will kick me off . I 'd do it at home , but it 's hard to run that long when going so slow feels so like I 'm going so fast . I put in a service request for someone to come out and look at our treadmill , but I haven 't heard anything back . It 's still under warranty so we are at the merPosted by Don 't you love it when you 're trying to fill in a box and the computer gives you all kinds of helpful suggestions ? I had no idea what I was going to title this post so I decided to let good old HP take this one . And that sets the mood for this entire post . Not much to report . 6mi on the treadmill yesterday . Today will be 3 . 5 with some elliptical to round things out . Tomorrow is * hopefully * 9 and 5 on Friday . Normally I don 't try to cram so much running together , but D and I are going to a retreat for youth leaders this weekend , and I know I 'll have no opportunity to run when we 're there . I was hoping to get outside for my longer run tomorrow , but the forecast says " icy " so I 'll probably be back on the ' mill . I 'd do it today , but I don 't have time because we have a staff meeting 1st thing in the morning . To the people who suggested I do some quality TV watching when I 'm treadmilling : I 'd love to , but I 'm totally at the mercy of what is on at 6am ( mainly infomercials , the news , and reruns of Landscape 911 ) because we don 't have TIVO / DVR , my MP3 player only plays music , and my phone only makes phone calls . I guess I could try to figure out how to hook the computer up to the TV so I could watch things on Hulu , but honestly that sounds like a gigantic pain because the computer and all its wiring are in another room . Okay , everybody feel sorry for me now ; ) . After 3 good recipes from Real Simple , last night 's dinner was a flop . I don 't think it was the recipe 's fault . It was for meatloaf , and I didn 't do a good job mixing the ingredients thoroughly and spreading it thin enough on the pan . It tasted okay , but it didn 't cook evenly and it looked pretty gross . I 'm not planning to keep this one because we have a slow cooker meatloaf recipe that works well , and how many meatloaf recipes do you really need ? In the last week I 've made the transition from " Ugh , I don 't want to run on the treadmill " to " Ugh , I don 't want to run outside . " Although I definitely remember this happening last year , I think visiting Tennessee and Florida are partly to blame . When I 'm here I can ease into the winter and it doesn 't seem * that * bad , but when I get a little taste of what it 's like to run somewhere that 's so . much . nicer it 's hard to go back out in the deep freeze . Last night I put out both my outside and inside clothes hoping that I 'd psych myself up to go outside . I just checked Weather Channel so I could say , " Well , it 's 20 - I can handle 20 " and go out , but it 's 8 ( air temp ) so I feel justified treadmilling again . I just need to find something to watch besides Haiti and Ted Kennedy 's senate seat election commentary . Since I posted kind of late yesterday I don 't have much more to update . The recipe we tried yesterday was binder - worthy . It was another one from last month 's Real Simple : Huevos Ranchers . I probably let the eggs cook a little too long and the beans and salsa not long enough . Overall , it was a winner though . And so easy and fast . We ate it with tortilla chips and green salads . Well , off to the hamster machine . First off , a HUGE congratulations to Jess on her awesome marathon finish yesterday . Can 't wait to read the race report ! Second , I realized I 've made some progress on my 101 in 1001 list , but I haven 't documented much of it . I 've taken ( and loved and gone back for more ) a hot yoga community class . We built a snowman on our snow day . When we were in Tennessee , we talked to a financial advisor who got us on the right track with our mutual fund and making regular contributions . We 've made and canned marinara sauce for Christmas gifts ( and syrup ! ) . And yesterday I put together a recipe binder . I subscribe to Cooking Light , and - up until yesterday at least - I had a cabinet full of magazines full of perfectly good recipes that I never looked at because they weren 't the latest issue . Plus I have a lot of recipes that were either given to me or I printed that were just kind of hanging out . So I devised a strategy to deal with the magazine and paper clutter . I can 't take complete credit for this because I saw a similar strategy on Simple Mom , but I did think of it on my own before I saw it there . The process goes like this . Take your cooking magazine and tear out all the recipes you are interested in trying and put them in a box . Other printed recipes go in there , too . Each week , when you do meal planning , rifle through the box for things that interest you . If you hate the recipe , pitch it . If you like it , put it in your recipe binder . I used dividers to separate the pages into sections like breakfast , meat , poultry , seafood , etc . Each recipe goes on a plastic sleeve so you can remove it easily and it stays protected from splatters . Plus because it 's BIG , you can save any size recipe , and you don 't have to take that extra step of writing it on a little card . This project has its roots in a Christmas gift when my brother put together a few " family " recipes for me to take to college . It gave me a smile when I saw it , and I didn 't think there was any reason it should be left out of the second edition . I 'm trying a new recipe tonight sPosted by It 's so hard to come up with creative post titles . I 'm sure I 've used " lazy Sunday " at least a few times in the past , but it truly does describe my goal for every Sunday - to have at least some lazy time . I had a hard time getting up this morning because I stayed up too late watching season 2 disc 2 of 30 Rock . When the alarm went off at 6am , I hit the snooze and lay in bed listening to the radiator make noises . Sometimes it sounds like someone playing the xylophone . Other times the whole apartment creeks and groans , and I imagine that I 'm living in a giant Transformer that 's changing into from into its robot form . But I had to get up because I needed to get two loads of laundry done before we have a marathon church day . We 're going to early service because we 're starting our 5 - week church membership classes . Then we have to be back at 5pm for youth group . And the church is about 30 min away so there 's also driving time to factor in . So other than laundry , a little house cleaning , and maybe some 30 Rock watching not a lot else will get done today . No workouts unless I decide to do some really easy , non - arm - related yoga . Also , I 'm going to brag here and say I rocked out my tempo run yesterday . Truthfully the pace wasn 't hard at all . What was hard was the mental part of running for 3x19 minutes at tempo pace on the treadmill while watching infomercials for the Beach Body Insanity DVD workout system . ( The gym really needs to get their TV situation fixed . ) The first interval and first half of the second interval weren 't too bad , but the rest of the time was a mental battle to just . keep . going . So even though it wasn 't a tough workout physically , I was feeling pretty BAMF for sticking it out mentally . I just kept telling myself that this was the part that was going to make me a better runner , and it seemed to work . D and I also went to hot yoga yesterday evening ( speaking of things that are difficult for me ) . My arms and back are super tired . I 'm trying to keep a yoga streak going , but if I do anything it will be more likePosted by Three day week . . . three day weekend . Sounds good to me . Actually I 've always thought that a 4 day work week with 3 days off - either 3 in a row or broken up so you would work M , T , off W , work R , F , off S , U would be perfect . Not that I don 't like my job , but it seems like I need both days off just to get all my " around the house " stuff done . Three days off gives you one day to VEG . Sense and Sensibility and Seamonsters won 't read itself , yo . Due to overdosing on dinner I went to sleep fairly early last night , so I 'm trying a schedule experiment this morning . I 'm going to go to the grocery store right when it opens ( at 8am ) , then hit the gym when it opens at 9am . It 's colder than the inside of our fridge out right now , and I have an insulated bag for the freezer stuff , so everything should be cool ( both literally and figuratively ) while I squeeze in a tempo run . While I had no problems running yesterday morning , there is still enough ice that I 'm nervous to run fast . I have to spend too much time concentrating on the ground to do a good tempo run . Also because running on our treadmill ( I need to keep looking into this ) is so much harder than running outside ( and the gym treadmill is a lot closer ) , I 'm going to go to the gym to knock this one out . Last night for our Friday night out we at dinner at Lombardinos . Even though it 's close to us and has gotten rave reviews , we 'd never eaten there before because a couple of my coworkers had panned it . Not sure why because we both thought our meals were delicious . D had the Caesar salad and the antipasti plate for his entree . I had a gorgonzola , pear , and walnut salad and the fig and ham pizza . The salad was huge and would have been enough for me by itself , but I ate a couple slices of pizza anyway so the waiter didn 't think I was unhappy with it . Well , I overdid it for sure , but I still have a ton of leftovers for lunch / dinner this weekend . Mmmmm . Yep . I 'm running outside in Madison for the first time in . . . I 'm not sure how long . I think it was before we left for Christmas vacation . We 've warmed up to a balmy 27 degrees , and - at least from looking out the window - it doesn 't look like the road and sidewalk are iced over too bad . This is the part of winter I really dislike because it warms up enough for some snow to melt , which gets the sidewalks wet , and then it freezes in a sheet overnight . I remember last year I was constantly afraid of falling ( and did slip a few times ) . Anyway , it doesn 't seem like that 's the case today . Plus I 'm doing an easy run so if I have to stop and walk to navigate some kind of iceberg that could sink the Titanic it 's fine by me . Let 's see . . . more regular life . My interval workout yesterday was rockin . I picked a speed for my 1 / 2 mile repeats that was hard but I felt great about sticking it out . I did 30 minutes of yoga and ( gasp ) walked home from work yesterday . Told you it was warm out . I bet it was at least 30 , haha . Last night 's dinner was another winner from Real Simple : Mediterranean beef pitas . Again , my food photography is not so awesome , but these were so simple and turned out so good . I 'm on a tear here ; ) . Ah well , the good cooking streak will be broken by Friday night dinner out . . . not sure where yet . TGIF ! It was hard to think of myself as being really back into the swing of normal life last week because I knew we were going to go out of town again , but this time it 's for real . Almost everyone was gone at work yesterday because they took a field trip to meet with a collaborator at another university so I had some time to review everything I have in my queue . It was frustrating , though , because I 'd make some progress on one thing only to have to stop because I had a question that had to be answered by someone who was out of town . Oh well . . . I 'm 80 % done with a few things , and hopefully I 'll get to check a lot of mini - projects off my list today after a little discussion . Although I did a good job running and walking over my vacations , my normal strength training , push - ups and yoga , were nonexistent . So I got in my am pus - ups and 30 min of yoga after work yesterday , and I 'm pretty sore . I also got back on the cooking wagon with a smoky fish chowder recipe from the Real Simple magazine my mom ( thanks , Mom ) bought me for the plane ride . This turned out really well , and I managed not to over - or under - cook any of the various parts . If mine had turned out looking like thisI would have taken a picture . But alas mine looked like red stuff with blobs in it so no picture from me . It tasted as good as that looked , though . And we have tons of leftovers for Saturday lunch . Now it 's time to get it in gear to run on the dreadmill . It 's actually pretty warm outside , but when we do this freeze / thaw thing it makes the sidewalks and roads incredibly icy , which makes it impossible to do 800m intervals . You either have to stop all the time to navigate the sidewalk glaciers or you risk slipping and breaking a wrist or your brain . Maybe tomorrow or Saturday I 'll get back outside . I think it felt warmer when we got off the plane in Madison than it did last Saturday in FL . It wasn 't . . . but something about that damp cold really gets you . Otherwise we had a great time on our trip . We got in Thursday night without too many weather - related delays ( it snowed about 5 inches in WI ) . Friday we visited my grandparents and had a delicious lunch at the Cheesecake Factory . I 'd only been there once - about ten years ago , I think - so it was fun to look through the humongous menu . My aunt flew in from NM that evening . On Saturday a large part of my mom 's family descended on our house . It was the first time I 'd seen many of them since my wedding in 2006 . We 're really lucky because pretty much everyone has a good sense of humor and gets along . I think the highlight , though , was my cousin 's 9 - month - old . He was such a sweetie and very cute . I said I would have one next week if I could guarantee it would turn out like him . ( This statement was redacted after flying back from Orlando with a plane full of screaming kids going through Disney withdrawal ) . Sunday we got up early for church and went out for brunch at the White Wolf Cafe . We split a gigantic cinnamon roll and I ordered an omelet stuffed with cream cheese and strawberry jam ( sadly it doesn 't look like the breakfast menu is posted on their site ) . Another cousin who couldn 't make it the day before stopped by on Sunday afternoon with his three elementary - school - aged kids . Sunday evening brought even more food adventures when we met an old friend of mine and her husband out in St . Cloud for dinner at The Catfish Place . I ordered catfish ( of course ) and also turtle , which I don 't think I 'd ever eaten before . It tasted like deep fried , but good deep fried , unlike the oysters ( sorry , Dad : ) ) . On Monday we took a tour of the " real Florida " and had lunch at a bakery in Yalaha . The rest of the day as spent visiting , playing cards , and getting ready to leave . Because we don 't have a lot of local fresh fruit going on right now in Madison we stopped or some navel orangPosted by At least I hope so . . . We got an inch or two of snow last night , and it 's continuing to fall . Our flight isn 't scheduled until 3pm , and right now it 's hard to tell if that 's bad or good . We have a layover in Milwaukee , which seems okay compared to say . . . St . Louis . . . but who knows . I 've never done the whole flying in snow thing before so it 's a little scary . Fortunately we have lots of reading material and trail mix to keep us occupied should we get delayed . Going to head to the gym this morning for 3x1mi slightly slower than 5k pace . I re - calibrated our treadmill a few evenings ago , so hopefully I can get it to feel more like running outside , but I 'm going to wait for an easy run to check and see how it 's doing . My mom called last night and sounded pretty excited about our visit . She planned a get - together for relatives on her side of the family , and it sounds like a lot of them will be able to make it . Even though I felt a little bad taking more vacation right after I got back , I 'm really glad I 'm able to go . I haven 't seen many of those people since my wedding , and who knows when I 'll be able to see them again . Posting will be sporadic if at all because - well - I don 't like using the computer on vacation . Stay warm out there , everyone . Which is a little sad , actually . But I 'm tired of the treadmill , and I need to do something different . Only a few more weeks before my beloved spinning class will start again . Not much to report other than I made the best looking omelet of my 4 - week omelet making career yesterday . So good that I was actually motivated to get the camera out , take a picture , load the picture on the computer , and load it onto the blog . ( I give you guys who do lots of pictures so much credit ) . No tears anywhere - oh yeah . I 'm going to cut it off here before this gets any more inane . Happy Wednesday , all . Another day of - - - - showing as the outside temperature on our digital thermometer ; another morning on the treadmill . Probably 5 or 6 miles with some bursts of speed . I 'm counting down to Friday when I 'll be able to run outside again ( in shorts ! in FL ! ) , and next week is looking much warmer with highs in the upper 20s . ( I can 't believe I just wrote that ! ) My first day of work after the break went smoothly . I have a lot of stuff to do , but I feel confident that I can finish everything that needs to be done before I leave again . After work I tried out one of my Christmas gifts for the first time - the Dave Swenson Yoga Short Forms DVD . I did the 30 minute practice , and it was great . You do sun salutations , standing postures , seated forward bends , twists , back bends , shoulder stand , and a couple strength poses . This is a great DVD for people who know how to do yoga but are super inflexible anyway . The only thing that 's a little weird about it is that there 's no music - just him talking . Well , I 've got to run . . . I 'll be living vicariously through all of you who get to run outside this morning . Other than the days of our drives to and from TN , this is the first time I 've gotten up at 5am in a week and a half . My brain is starting to kick in and remember that - oh yeah , I have this thing called a job that I have to go to , which means I have I get up early to exercise . After a restful vacation , I feel ready to use my brain again and think that - unlike some vacations where I need a vacation to recover from my vacation - I was able to do a good bit of recharging in the last week and a half . It seems like I 've been away forever , and I feel some anxiety that I 'm going to be incredibly behind , but I need to keep reminding myself that - between the holiday and furlough days - I actually only missed 3 work days when I was gone . We worked on some kitchen improvement projects yesterday , including replacing our old food processor that was really hard to use and putting up a magnetic strip to hold our knives rather than having two huge knife blocks taking up precious , precious counter space . Also , we watched 10 episodes of 30 Rock season 2 and I made my second to last Christmas ornament . YAY ! Well , it 's about time to get ready to head to the gym . After two days of treadmill , I 'm going to zone out on the elliptical for awhile . Here 's hoping the battery on my MP3 player has enough charge ! It 's 1 ( feels like 1 ) outside so I 'm back on the treadmill again . I think all the people who get out and run when it 's close to 0 are totally BAMF , but I appreciate my nose and fingers too much to do that to them . I got in 8mi on the mill yesterday , which was more of a mental feat than a physical one . Today will be about 5 , mostly because I 've been procrastinating on it and we need to get out the door for church . I 'm still working on getting everything organized and ready to go back to work tomorrow ( and ready to leave again on Thursday ) . Most of the mail has been dealt with . We have plans to take the car for repairs . Closets and bookshelves have been examined for give - aways , which will be taken to St . Vinny 's today . I read a few personal finance blogs , and a lot of people talk about getting a high from buying stuff . I 'm actually the opposite and get a high from cleaning out clutter and giving unused things away . There was also some relaxation done yesterday . We watched season one disc one of 30 - Rock and did the Inner Fire Flow community yoga class . Even though I 'm pretty terrible at it , I love how relaxed and loose yoga makes me feel when I 'm done . I got a great new yoga DVD for Christmas ( Dave Swenson 's short forms ) and I hope between that and catching the occasional Saturday class I 'll be able to improve my strength and flexibility a lot this year . After a very early morning and a long drive , we arrived home in Madison a little after 4 : 30 yesterday . We were blessed by the weather , traffic , and " right way on the interstate " gods , and it took us 1 . 5 hours less to get home than it did to drive to TN . We had an early dinner , grabbed some necessities at Target , and headed home to unload the car and check the mail . After everything was looked at and put away I collapsed in a puddle in front of the TV to watch the Sugar Bowl . About 10 minutes later , I decided I could leave it in the Gators ' capable hands and went to bed . Plus I 'm not sure I could have listened to 3 . 5 hours of Urban Meyer speculation and Tebow worship ( his own camera . . . seriously ? ? ? ) . But I 'm glad I woke up to find we 'd trounced Cincinnati . As a side note , I grew up a Florida State fan so it was nice that Bobby Bowden won his last game . It was time for him to step down , but he had a lot of amazing years there . In a few minutes I 'm going to hop on the treadmill for my first run of 2010 . I pulled out all my warm weather outdoor running gear , but it 's - 5 air temperature ( feels like - 19 ) , and I 'm not crazy so treadmill it is . Plus this time next week I 'll be in Florida ! ! ! running outside in shorts ! ! ! ! I did a little blog reading while I was away , but I like to make my vacations as much a detox from the computer as I can . I 'm looking forward to catching up on all of you and hope you had a great holiday season . I looked back to see if I had written down resolutions for 2009 , but I only discovered a few , and those were more than a little too optimistic . I think the only resolution I kept was getting a bike and riding to and from work when the weather was nice . Now it 's time for Resolutions 2010 . Although a lot of " experts " caution against making general resolutions , that 's my intention this year . The problem with making really specific resolutions is that you don 't know how realistic that particular goal is or if it will change somehow over the course of the year . So this year 's goals will be less about things I can cross off a list and more like ideals to work toward . Also , a lot of these overlap . Without further ado and in no particular order , they are : 1 . Put away EVERYTHING after I use it . This means folding / hanging up my work clothes rather than setting them on a chair , washing the dishes immediately after I use them rather than allowing them to sit in the sink , and keeping my work files in order and put away when I 'm not using them so papers stay where they belong . It takes 30 seconds to do small tasks as needed . It takes hours to clean a messy house / office . ' Nuff said . 2 . Focus at work . Do one thing at a time . Work thoroughly through a task . Ask questions . Ask more questions . Be calm when it feels like I don 't have enough time to finish everything . NEVER open a Web browser unless it 's a designated break time . 3 . Consistently push myself beyond my comfort zone in all things fitness and healthy eating . Try new vegetables . Try new workouts . Try to push the speed up just a little higher on that interval and the gear up one more on the spin bike . Do not think that something " wont work for me " until I 've really tried it . 4 . Have more fun with more people . I enjoy socializing , but it seems like I always have a " good " reason not to plan my own outings / events . I just wait around for others to do the planning for me . No more ! If it sounds like fun for D and I , it 's better with company . ( Okay , this could be taken way the wrong wPosted by

So obviously I read a bunch of SSSM yesterday . Sorry Jane Austen fans , but even an narwhal attaching Sub Marine Station Beta ( aka London on the bottom of the ocean ) couldn 't make me care any more about lame - o Edward Ferrars and the rest of the crew . At least with PPandZ I was engaged in the actual story line , but I just don 't see it ending very well for anyone in SSSM . Poor Dashwood sisters . . . sigh . In other news , I had a good 10 mi run on the treadmill . I think this is going to be my new long run distance for a little while . It was enough that I was feeling fatigued at the end but not so much that I struggled to keep a good pace . The gym was busy yesterday but there was just enough turn over that no one kicked me off . I think I might try to do my long run on Thursday or Friday next week so it 's less crowded . Hopefully after that our treadmill will be fixed , and I won 't have to worry about jockeying for a treadmill at the crowded gym ( which is the whole point of having our own ) . So this brings the weekly workout totals to : Run : 34 miSpin : 1xYoga : 5x ( planning to do it today ) Pushups : 3xOtherwise I got everything done on my list except yoga yesterday , but I decided I needed a nap instead . The concert last night was good . We saw Jim Hurst , who I guess you would call a folk guitarist , play at a tiny coffee shop on the East Side . We were the youngest people there by 30 years ( since when is that new ? ) , but the music was good , and it was nice to get out and do something different . Today is another church - filled day . I also need to practice piano and do some yoga , but otherwise all the urgent chores have been finished . Hope you all have a relaxing Sunday . I don 't think he reads this , but just in case , here 's a Happy Birthday shout out to my little brother . He 's 24 now - and 6 ' 4 " - so I guess he 's not so little . This picture was taken before my wedding , but it 's one of my favorites of us from the " modern era " . Last night 's dinner was very good . The surprise hit of the evening : escargot . Neither one of us had eaten it before , but it was really good . I expected it to have a chewier , grittier texture more like some shellfish , but it was very tender . It really tasted like a mushroom more than anything else ( D called it a cross between shrimp and a mushroom ) . So ceviche and escargot have both been moved from the " slightly scary " food list to the " very tasty " food list . Today will be busy . Starting with getting ready to go so I can hit the grocery store when it opens at 8 . Then I 'm running 10mi at 9 on the gym treadmill ( hoping our treadmill parts get here soon ! ) . After that is family phone calls , dust / vacuum / mop , dealing with the mail and paying bills , practicing piano , hopefully going to hot yoga ( or doing it here ) , and going to a concert this evening . Actually , now that I have it all written out , it doesn 't seem like that much . Plus many of the things ( running , piano , phone calls , yoga , going to the concert ) are things I want to do rather than have to do . And the things I have to do are not that bad ( i . e . not laundry ) . Well , I guess I better get moving here . I love being the only customer at Trader Joe 's when it opens . No stress about getting all your stuff bagged AND swiping your card by the time the cashier is done ringing you up . Ah , so nice . Have a good Saturday , all . I 'm not trying to * complain * about winter because I said this year I wasn 't going to * complain * , but I am going to state that it was really cold out yesterday and it 's really cold out today ( - 2 air temperature ) and I would prefer that not to be the case . Yesterday I had to go to the computer science building to get some paperwork signed with D , and when I tried to take the bus back , it was so packed with lazy undergrads ( the ones who just take the bus up the hill - you know who you are ) that I had to walk all the way back to my building . Yeah it was only a mile or so , but a mile or so when it 's 4 degrees out ( or whatever ) is a long way to walk . I spent the rest of the day at work chilled , and when I got home I had to get in the shower with the hot water cranked up until I could thaw out enough to put on my yoga clothes . Okay , okay , rant over . Despite having a darn good week of running so far , I 'm planning to do the elliptical today . I really want to run , but I 'm really paranoid about doing too much too soon ( especially since I 'm trying to more speed work ) and getting hurt . So elliptical it is . ( BTW , when I did my " speedy " session at the end of my run yesterday , I got all the way up to 7 . 9 . Maybe one of these days I 'll venture into the " 8s " , haha . Definitely uncharted territory . ) Tonight 's restaurant week dinner is at Ocean 's Grill . I 've been there once before for a restaurant week lunch , and it was very good , so I 'm looking forward to going back and trying something different . I 've been cooking , too , but nothing very photogenic . We made a hash brown / egg casserole on Monday evening ( needed to use up eggs and potatoes ) that would have been better if I 'd used packaged hash browns rather than trying to make my own like the recipe suggested . Wednesday we had pizza , and last night we had chicken tamale casserole . I got my abstract okay - ed at work , and I hope to get it submitted today . The submission deadline is Monday , but I like to do it a little early just in case something weirdo happens . This turned out to be both gooPosted by Because it 's " feels like " - 13 . So obviously it 's another treadmill morning . I 'm planning to do 5 . 75 ( yeah , goofy , but I did 6 . 75 on Tuesday and I want a round number for the week ) with a little fast stuff thrown in at the end . Spinning yesterday was great . So so so nice to do something different . The workout wasn 't too hard , but I 'm sure it will get there soon . I 'm feeling much better about my two big projects at work , too . Today should * hopefully * be about finishing up the details and getting things approved for the final ( or second to final ) time . If all goes well and those things are finished today , I have a couple easy routine things that I need to do that will be slated for tomorrow so I can have a brain chillout day . My first piano lesson was good . We talked about my music background and my goals for the lessons . The teacher didn 't have any music picked out for me to start practicing ( we are going to do a lot of left hand stuff ) so we just started with scales and good playing technique . I think it will give me plenty to do because it 's been a long time since I 've played a B scale . This should be a pretty chill evening filled with yoga , piano practice , and trying a new recipe for a chicken tamale casserole - type dish . Oh yeah . . . and Bones and 30 Rock ! Although maybe I need to stop watching Bones . The rerun we saw last night was so scary I made D go get the last of the laundry because I was too afraid to go back down to the basement , haha . Yep , I 'm a wimp . . . and lazy . Have a good Thursday , everyone . Stay warm out there . Because it is 6 degrees air temperature ( - 8 with windchill ) right now . And in 25 minutes I get to stand out and wait for the bus . I got spoiled by the balmy spell in the 30 's over the weekend , but this is a helpful reminder that we still have a lot of winter left to go . And that something to warm my heart is that it has been confirmed that we have spinning ! today . YAY ! I do the spinning workout with the triathlon club so it 's always HARD . And it will be especially hard today because I haven 't done it in probably 6 weeks . One thing you can say about Wisconsin is that they / we are experts at making outside activities fun inside . My run went well yesterday . I did 6 . 75 mi with 20 min of faster running at the end . I 'm always scared to move the treadmill up into the 7s , but lately I 've been pleasantly surprised that " scary " paces aren 't actually that bad after all . Hopefully this will translate to faster running outside when that day finally comes . Last night 's dinner at Inka Heritage was really really good . I had ceviche for my appetizer , a lasagna dish with yellow pepper sauce for the entree , and a churro with chocolate sauce and lucuma ice cream . Lucuma , which I had never heard of before , has a maple / nut flavor and was maybe the highlight of the meal . Unfortunately it only grows in subtropical climates so there goes my idea to add a tree to the garden this summer . So good . So looking forward to our other restaurant week dinner on Friday . So worth blowing 2 months worth of dining out budget on two meals , haha . Work is kind of stressful right now , although I 'm trying not to let it get to me . I have two big projects that have to be finished by Monday ( and Friday would be better ) , and little things keep getting dropped in my lap . Plus I 'm having problems with an Excel file that gets corrupted every time I try to open it with SAS . Fun stuff . But I 'm making a deal with myself that I 'll get as much done as I can during normal hours today and tomorrow , and if I have to stay late to finish tomorrow evening , I 'll do it . I can 't sPosted by Sorry MarathonMaiden , I didn 't run outside yesterday . I probably should / could have - especially since it 's going to get COLD again later this week - but my love of being warm and my ( somewhat ) irrational fear of black ice won out . Is it really that bad if I don 't run outside again until March or April ? I feel like I 've handled this winter much better than last year , but still I 'm getting pretty sick of it . One of my co - workers said she considers Feb 1 . the be the middle of winter and every day after is a day closer to spring . In that case I guess it 's not so bad . We only have a few more days left in January , and I remember there being a few nice days sprinkled in March . This morning will be 6 . 5 on the treadmill and tomorrow is ( hopefully ) spinning ! ! ! again . Woohoo ! This evening is our first restaurant week dinner at Inka Heritage . I went there for lunch during restaurant week last year , and it was tasty and very different from normal Madison restaurant fare . Not sure what I 'm going to order yet , but I 'm looking forward to it ! I spent a good 45 seconds trying to come up with a better title that , but there you have it . I don 't have much to report . Between membership class and youth group and actually going to church there wasn 't time for much else . I did get up and do a 5 mi run on the treadmill , but that was it for me exercise - wise . I was going to do yoga , but instead I took an hour - long nap . I 'm having a mental debate about running outside this morning . It 's not super cold out , but we had a big melt yesterday , and it froze overnight , so I 'm not sure what the conditions are like . So it will either be 6 . 5 outside or on the treadmill . I 've also given myself a deadline of noon today to finish my abstract so I can get co - author approval . I ended up having to change around my idea at the end of last week , and I 'm still not exaaaaactly sure what I want to do , but I 'm a lot closer than I was . Just when I think I know what I 'm doing , I get a nice reminder like this that I 'm still clueless about a lot of things . Oh well . Have a good Monday , all . It 's been raining for about the last 24 hours , and I 'm hoping by the end of the day all the ice around our car will be gone . Unfortunately today is our last warm day for the week , and we 're headed back to highs in the low 20s and teens for awhile . Our youth leader retreat this weekend was fun and productive ( at least I think so ) . We drove up to the Dells Friday night after stopping for dinner at the original Culvers in Sauk City ( which is exactly like every other Culvers you have or have not been to ) . That night we had talks about the direction of the program and various high school related issues . Some people stayed up to play games and goof around , but at 11 : 30pm on Friday I was ready to crash . Saturday morning we broke into groups to discuss what we liked and disliked and brainstormed about different aspects of the program . I think this was the most productive aspect of the trip . It was nice to share some of the things I 'd been thinking about during the year , and a few of the leaders had some tips that I 'm looking forward to using in my group . All in all , I think there was good discussion , and I 'm glad we went . Plus I really enjoy the other leaders . Everyone is friendly and no one is clique - y , which can be the case at these things sometimes . We did the water park on Saturday afternoon . There were only 6 slides and not much in the way of lines so we had all the fun Kalahari had to offer us in about 2 . 5 hours . Sorry Wisconsinites . I 'm a jaded Orlando girl . Your theme parks will probably never impress me . I made myself get up at normal work - day time today so I could run before church at 9 and try to get myself back on schedule for the upcoming week . The plan is 5 mi on the treadmill because running in ( almost ) freezing rain has absolutely no appeal . Hope you all had a fun / productive / restful weekend . I got tagged by Morning Runner so here is my update in " 10 things that make me happy " form . 1 . It 's Friday ( woohoo ! ) . 2 . I got my abstract finished . Now I just have to slash about 200 characters from it . 3 . Mystery fish turned out pretty good last night . I made cornmeal crusted tilapia , except we had one salmon fillet and one talapia fillet left . It was tasty , and D . said he 's pretty sure he 's never had fried salmon before , haha . ( mmmmm . . . fish + veggies in the Buddha bowl ) 5 . I 've made some good meals this week . I used to be a terrible cook , but I 'm definitely getting better with practice . 6 . I had a good , strong 9mi yesterday on the gym treadmill . I didn 't die of boredom , and no one tried to kick me off . 7 . My mileage build - up is going well . None of my aches and pains ( both mental and physical ) that I had this time last year seem to be raising their ugly heads . 5 . I 'm feeling good for my 5mi run this morning . I rarely run 5 days in a row , so I was a little afraid this would be too much . I 'm excited to have all my miles for the week in now because . . . 8 . We 're going to Kalahari Indoor Water Park this evening for a youth retreat and staying to play tomorrow . 9 . We have reservations for restaurant week next week . 10 . I enjoy all your blogs too much to pick 10 to tag . Plus by the time things like this get to me , everyone else has already done them . But if you want to share 10 things that make you happy , well , make yourself happy : ) . Yep . I 'm actually pretty pumped up for going to work today . I spent all day yesterday getting from the very broad " My SER ( Society for Epidemiologic Research ) topic will be visual quality of life " narrowed down to something really specific that I can work with . While I 'm pretty adept at crunching numbers at this point , I had no experience with literature review or scientific writing before I started this job , and I find both of those things HARD . I actually like writing - or at least blathering on about whatever shiny thing has my attention - but when I sit down to do scientific writing I get writers block . The cure for it , I know , is lots of reading on your topic . So I spent about the first 6 hours of yesterday reading lots of papers and exploring a similar analysis that was done with our data back in 2005 . Then I spent the next 2 . 5 hours trying to write an introductory sentence or two . Ugh . My problem is that I still know so little about medical things that it 's often hard for me to understand why my topic matters . And that 's the whole point of the introduction . To convince someone your poster or whatever is interesting enough to look at / read . Anyway , I got a flash of insight right before it was time for me to go home , and I 've been mulling things over and think I 'm ready to go 100 % with my analysis today . Last night 's dinner was barbecue chicken pizza brought to us by D . Tasty as aways and super easy because we just use a pre - made crust from Trader Joe 's . Tonight 's dinner is mystery fish because we have two pieces of fish wrapped in foil in the freezer . I don 't remember what kind they are , and I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do with them . I 'm planning for 9mi on the treadmill this morning . The gym was super busy yesterday so hopefully no one will kick me off . I 'd do it at home , but it 's hard to run that long when going so slow feels so like I 'm going so fast . I put in a service request for someone to come out and look at our treadmill , but I haven 't heard anything back . It 's still under warranty so we are at the merPosted by Don 't you love it when you 're trying to fill in a box and the computer gives you all kinds of helpful suggestions ? I had no idea what I was going to title this post so I decided to let good old HP take this one . And that sets the mood for this entire post . Not much to report . 6mi on the treadmill yesterday . Today will be 3 . 5 with some elliptical to round things out . Tomorrow is * hopefully * 9 and 5 on Friday . Normally I don 't try to cram so much running together , but D and I are going to a retreat for youth leaders this weekend , and I know I 'll have no opportunity to run when we 're there . I was hoping to get outside for my longer run tomorrow , but the forecast says " icy " so I 'll probably be back on the ' mill . I 'd do it today , but I don 't have time because we have a staff meeting 1st thing in the morning . To the people who suggested I do some quality TV watching when I 'm treadmilling : I 'd love to , but I 'm totally at the mercy of what is on at 6am ( mainly infomercials , the news , and reruns of Landscape 911 ) because we don 't have TIVO / DVR , my MP3 player only plays music , and my phone only makes phone calls . I guess I could try to figure out how to hook the computer up to the TV so I could watch things on Hulu , but honestly that sounds like a gigantic pain because the computer and all its wiring are in another room . Okay , everybody feel sorry for me now ; ) . After 3 good recipes from Real Simple , last night 's dinner was a flop . I don 't think it was the recipe 's fault . It was for meatloaf , and I didn 't do a good job mixing the ingredients thoroughly and spreading it thin enough on the pan . It tasted okay , but it didn 't cook evenly and it looked pretty gross . I 'm not planning to keep this one because we have a slow cooker meatloaf recipe that works well , and how many meatloaf recipes do you really need ? In the last week I 've made the transition from " Ugh , I don 't want to run on the treadmill " to " Ugh , I don 't want to run outside . " Although I definitely remember this happening last year , I think visiting Tennessee and Florida are partly to blame . When I 'm here I can ease into the winter and it doesn 't seem * that * bad , but when I get a little taste of what it 's like to run somewhere that 's so . much . nicer it 's hard to go back out in the deep freeze . Last night I put out both my outside and inside clothes hoping that I 'd psych myself up to go outside . I just checked Weather Channel so I could say , " Well , it 's 20 - I can handle 20 " and go out , but it 's 8 ( air temp ) so I feel justified treadmilling again . I just need to find something to watch besides Haiti and Ted Kennedy 's senate seat election commentary . Since I posted kind of late yesterday I don 't have much more to update . The recipe we tried yesterday was binder - worthy . It was another one from last month 's Real Simple : Huevos Ranchers . I probably let the eggs cook a little too long and the beans and salsa not long enough . Overall , it was a winner though . And so easy and fast . We ate it with tortilla chips and green salads . Well , off to the hamster machine . First off , a HUGE congratulations to Jess on her awesome marathon finish yesterday . Can 't wait to read the race report ! Second , I realized I 've made some progress on my 101 in 1001 list , but I haven 't documented much of it . I 've taken ( and loved and gone back for more ) a hot yoga community class . We built a snowman on our snow day . When we were in Tennessee , we talked to a financial advisor who got us on the right track with our mutual fund and making regular contributions . We 've made and canned marinara sauce for Christmas gifts ( and syrup ! ) . And yesterday I put together a recipe binder . I subscribe to Cooking Light , and - up until yesterday at least - I had a cabinet full of magazines full of perfectly good recipes that I never looked at because they weren 't the latest issue . Plus I have a lot of recipes that were either given to me or I printed that were just kind of hanging out . So I devised a strategy to deal with the magazine and paper clutter . I can 't take complete credit for this because I saw a similar strategy on Simple Mom , but I did think of it on my own before I saw it there . The process goes like this . Take your cooking magazine and tear out all the recipes you are interested in trying and put them in a box . Other printed recipes go in there , too . Each week , when you do meal planning , rifle through the box for things that interest you . If you hate the recipe , pitch it . If you like it , put it in your recipe binder . I used dividers to separate the pages into sections like breakfast , meat , poultry , seafood , etc . Each recipe goes on a plastic sleeve so you can remove it easily and it stays protected from splatters . Plus because it 's BIG , you can save any size recipe , and you don 't have to take that extra step of writing it on a little card . This project has its roots in a Christmas gift when my brother put together a few " family " recipes for me to take to college . It gave me a smile when I saw it , and I didn 't think there was any reason it should be left out of the second edition . I 'm trying a new recipe tonight sPosted by It 's so hard to come up with creative post titles . I 'm sure I 've used " lazy Sunday " at least a few times in the past , but it truly does describe my goal for every Sunday - to have at least some lazy time . I had a hard time getting up this morning because I stayed up too late watching season 2 disc 2 of 30 Rock . When the alarm went off at 6am , I hit the snooze and lay in bed listening to the radiator make noises . Sometimes it sounds like someone playing the xylophone . Other times the whole apartment creeks and groans , and I imagine that I 'm living in a giant Transformer that 's changing into from into its robot form . But I had to get up because I needed to get two loads of laundry done before we have a marathon church day . We 're going to early service because we 're starting our 5 - week church membership classes . Then we have to be back at 5pm for youth group . And the church is about 30 min away so there 's also driving time to factor in . So other than laundry , a little house cleaning , and maybe some 30 Rock watching not a lot else will get done today . No workouts unless I decide to do some really easy , non - arm - related yoga . Also , I 'm going to brag here and say I rocked out my tempo run yesterday . Truthfully the pace wasn 't hard at all . What was hard was the mental part of running for 3x19 minutes at tempo pace on the treadmill while watching infomercials for the Beach Body Insanity DVD workout system . ( The gym really needs to get their TV situation fixed . ) The first interval and first half of the second interval weren 't too bad , but the rest of the time was a mental battle to just . keep . going . So even though it wasn 't a tough workout physically , I was feeling pretty BAMF for sticking it out mentally . I just kept telling myself that this was the part that was going to make me a better runner , and it seemed to work . D and I also went to hot yoga yesterday evening ( speaking of things that are difficult for me ) . My arms and back are super tired . I 'm trying to keep a yoga streak going , but if I do anything it will be more likePosted by Three day week . . . three day weekend . Sounds good to me . Actually I 've always thought that a 4 day work week with 3 days off - either 3 in a row or broken up so you would work M , T , off W , work R , F , off S , U would be perfect . Not that I don 't like my job , but it seems like I need both days off just to get all my " around the house " stuff done . Three days off gives you one day to VEG . Sense and Sensibility and Seamonsters won 't read itself , yo . Due to overdosing on dinner I went to sleep fairly early last night , so I 'm trying a schedule experiment this morning . I 'm going to go to the grocery store right when it opens ( at 8am ) , then hit the gym when it opens at 9am . It 's colder than the inside of our fridge out right now , and I have an insulated bag for the freezer stuff , so everything should be cool ( both literally and figuratively ) while I squeeze in a tempo run . While I had no problems running yesterday morning , there is still enough ice that I 'm nervous to run fast . I have to spend too much time concentrating on the ground to do a good tempo run . Also because running on our treadmill ( I need to keep looking into this ) is so much harder than running outside ( and the gym treadmill is a lot closer ) , I 'm going to go to the gym to knock this one out . Last night for our Friday night out we at dinner at Lombardinos . Even though it 's close to us and has gotten rave reviews , we 'd never eaten there before because a couple of my coworkers had panned it . Not sure why because we both thought our meals were delicious . D had the Caesar salad and the antipasti plate for his entree . I had a gorgonzola , pear , and walnut salad and the fig and ham pizza . The salad was huge and would have been enough for me by itself , but I ate a couple slices of pizza anyway so the waiter didn 't think I was unhappy with it . Well , I overdid it for sure , but I still have a ton of leftovers for lunch / dinner this weekend . Mmmmm . Yep . I 'm running outside in Madison for the first time in . . . I 'm not sure how long . I think it was before we left for Christmas vacation . We 've warmed up to a balmy 27 degrees , and - at least from looking out the window - it doesn 't look like the road and sidewalk are iced over too bad . This is the part of winter I really dislike because it warms up enough for some snow to melt , which gets the sidewalks wet , and then it freezes in a sheet overnight . I remember last year I was constantly afraid of falling ( and did slip a few times ) . Anyway , it doesn 't seem like that 's the case today . Plus I 'm doing an easy run so if I have to stop and walk to navigate some kind of iceberg that could sink the Titanic it 's fine by me . Let 's see . . . more regular life . My interval workout yesterday was rockin . I picked a speed for my 1 / 2 mile repeats that was hard but I felt great about sticking it out . I did 30 minutes of yoga and ( gasp ) walked home from work yesterday . Told you it was warm out . I bet it was at least 30 , haha . Last night 's dinner was another winner from Real Simple : Mediterranean beef pitas . Again , my food photography is not so awesome , but these were so simple and turned out so good . I 'm on a tear here ; ) . Ah well , the good cooking streak will be broken by Friday night dinner out . . . not sure where yet . TGIF ! It was hard to think of myself as being really back into the swing of normal life last week because I knew we were going to go out of town again , but this time it 's for real . Almost everyone was gone at work yesterday because they took a field trip to meet with a collaborator at another university so I had some time to review everything I have in my queue . It was frustrating , though , because I 'd make some progress on one thing only to have to stop because I had a question that had to be answered by someone who was out of town . Oh well . . . I 'm 80 % done with a few things , and hopefully I 'll get to check a lot of mini - projects off my list today after a little discussion . Although I did a good job running and walking over my vacations , my normal strength training , push - ups and yoga , were nonexistent . So I got in my am pus - ups and 30 min of yoga after work yesterday , and I 'm pretty sore . I also got back on the cooking wagon with a smoky fish chowder recipe from the Real Simple magazine my mom ( thanks , Mom ) bought me for the plane ride . This turned out really well , and I managed not to over - or under - cook any of the various parts . If mine had turned out looking like thisI would have taken a picture . But alas mine looked like red stuff with blobs in it so no picture from me . It tasted as good as that looked , though . And we have tons of leftovers for Saturday lunch . Now it 's time to get it in gear to run on the dreadmill . It 's actually pretty warm outside , but when we do this freeze / thaw thing it makes the sidewalks and roads incredibly icy , which makes it impossible to do 800m intervals . You either have to stop all the time to navigate the sidewalk glaciers or you risk slipping and breaking a wrist or your brain . Maybe tomorrow or Saturday I 'll get back outside . I think it felt warmer when we got off the plane in Madison than it did last Saturday in FL . It wasn 't . . . but something about that damp cold really gets you . Otherwise we had a great time on our trip . We got in Thursday night without too many weather - related delays ( it snowed about 5 inches in WI ) . Friday we visited my grandparents and had a delicious lunch at the Cheesecake Factory . I 'd only been there once - about ten years ago , I think - so it was fun to look through the humongous menu . My aunt flew in from NM that evening . On Saturday a large part of my mom 's family descended on our house . It was the first time I 'd seen many of them since my wedding in 2006 . We 're really lucky because pretty much everyone has a good sense of humor and gets along . I think the highlight , though , was my cousin 's 9 - month - old . He was such a sweetie and very cute . I said I would have one next week if I could guarantee it would turn out like him . ( This statement was redacted after flying back from Orlando with a plane full of screaming kids going through Disney withdrawal ) . Sunday we got up early for church and went out for brunch at the White Wolf Cafe . We split a gigantic cinnamon roll and I ordered an omelet stuffed with cream cheese and strawberry jam ( sadly it doesn 't look like the breakfast menu is posted on their site ) . Another cousin who couldn 't make it the day before stopped by on Sunday afternoon with his three elementary - school - aged kids . Sunday evening brought even more food adventures when we met an old friend of mine and her husband out in St . Cloud for dinner at The Catfish Place . I ordered catfish ( of course ) and also turtle , which I don 't think I 'd ever eaten before . It tasted like deep fried , but good deep fried , unlike the oysters ( sorry , Dad : ) ) . On Monday we took a tour of the " real Florida " and had lunch at a bakery in Yalaha . The rest of the day as spent visiting , playing cards , and getting ready to leave . Because we don 't have a lot of local fresh fruit going on right now in Madison we stopped or some navel orangPosted by At least I hope so . . . We got an inch or two of snow last night , and it 's continuing to fall . Our flight isn 't scheduled until 3pm , and right now it 's hard to tell if that 's bad or good . We have a layover in Milwaukee , which seems okay compared to say . . . St . Louis . . . but who knows . I 've never done the whole flying in snow thing before so it 's a little scary . Fortunately we have lots of reading material and trail mix to keep us occupied should we get delayed . Going to head to the gym this morning for 3x1mi slightly slower than 5k pace . I re - calibrated our treadmill a few evenings ago , so hopefully I can get it to feel more like running outside , but I 'm going to wait for an easy run to check and see how it 's doing . My mom called last night and sounded pretty excited about our visit . She planned a get - together for relatives on her side of the family , and it sounds like a lot of them will be able to make it . Even though I felt a little bad taking more vacation right after I got back , I 'm really glad I 'm able to go . I haven 't seen many of those people since my wedding , and who knows when I 'll be able to see them again . Posting will be sporadic if at all because - well - I don 't like using the computer on vacation . Stay warm out there , everyone . Which is a little sad , actually . But I 'm tired of the treadmill , and I need to do something different . Only a few more weeks before my beloved spinning class will start again . Not much to report other than I made the best looking omelet of my 4 - week omelet making career yesterday . So good that I was actually motivated to get the camera out , take a picture , load the picture on the computer , and load it onto the blog . ( I give you guys who do lots of pictures so much credit ) . No tears anywhere - oh yeah . I 'm going to cut it off here before this gets any more inane . Happy Wednesday , all . Another day of - - - - showing as the outside temperature on our digital thermometer ; another morning on the treadmill . Probably 5 or 6 miles with some bursts of speed . I 'm counting down to Friday when I 'll be able to run outside again ( in shorts ! in FL ! ) , and next week is looking much warmer with highs in the upper 20s . ( I can 't believe I just wrote that ! ) My first day of work after the break went smoothly . I have a lot of stuff to do , but I feel confident that I can finish everything that needs to be done before I leave again . After work I tried out one of my Christmas gifts for the first time - the Dave Swenson Yoga Short Forms DVD . I did the 30 minute practice , and it was great . You do sun salutations , standing postures , seated forward bends , twists , back bends , shoulder stand , and a couple strength poses . This is a great DVD for people who know how to do yoga but are super inflexible anyway . The only thing that 's a little weird about it is that there 's no music - just him talking . Well , I 've got to run . . . I 'll be living vicariously through all of you who get to run outside this morning . Other than the days of our drives to and from TN , this is the first time I 've gotten up at 5am in a week and a half . My brain is starting to kick in and remember that - oh yeah , I have this thing called a job that I have to go to , which means I have I get up early to exercise . After a restful vacation , I feel ready to use my brain again and think that - unlike some vacations where I need a vacation to recover from my vacation - I was able to do a good bit of recharging in the last week and a half . It seems like I 've been away forever , and I feel some anxiety that I 'm going to be incredibly behind , but I need to keep reminding myself that - between the holiday and furlough days - I actually only missed 3 work days when I was gone . We worked on some kitchen improvement projects yesterday , including replacing our old food processor that was really hard to use and putting up a magnetic strip to hold our knives rather than having two huge knife blocks taking up precious , precious counter space . Also , we watched 10 episodes of 30 Rock season 2 and I made my second to last Christmas ornament . YAY ! Well , it 's about time to get ready to head to the gym . After two days of treadmill , I 'm going to zone out on the elliptical for awhile . Here 's hoping the battery on my MP3 player has enough charge ! It 's 1 ( feels like 1 ) outside so I 'm back on the treadmill again . I think all the people who get out and run when it 's close to 0 are totally BAMF , but I appreciate my nose and fingers too much to do that to them . I got in 8mi on the mill yesterday , which was more of a mental feat than a physical one . Today will be about 5 , mostly because I 've been procrastinating on it and we need to get out the door for church . I 'm still working on getting everything organized and ready to go back to work tomorrow ( and ready to leave again on Thursday ) . Most of the mail has been dealt with . We have plans to take the car for repairs . Closets and bookshelves have been examined for give - aways , which will be taken to St . Vinny 's today . I read a few personal finance blogs , and a lot of people talk about getting a high from buying stuff . I 'm actually the opposite and get a high from cleaning out clutter and giving unused things away . There was also some relaxation done yesterday . We watched season one disc one of 30 - Rock and did the Inner Fire Flow community yoga class . Even though I 'm pretty terrible at it , I love how relaxed and loose yoga makes me feel when I 'm done . I got a great new yoga DVD for Christmas ( Dave Swenson 's short forms ) and I hope between that and catching the occasional Saturday class I 'll be able to improve my strength and flexibility a lot this year . After a very early morning and a long drive , we arrived home in Madison a little after 4 : 30 yesterday . We were blessed by the weather , traffic , and " right way on the interstate " gods , and it took us 1 . 5 hours less to get home than it did to drive to TN . We had an early dinner , grabbed some necessities at Target , and headed home to unload the car and check the mail . After everything was looked at and put away I collapsed in a puddle in front of the TV to watch the Sugar Bowl . About 10 minutes later , I decided I could leave it in the Gators ' capable hands and went to bed . Plus I 'm not sure I could have listened to 3 . 5 hours of Urban Meyer speculation and Tebow worship ( his own camera . . . seriously ? ? ? ) . But I 'm glad I woke up to find we 'd trounced Cincinnati . As a side note , I grew up a Florida State fan so it was nice that Bobby Bowden won his last game . It was time for him to step down , but he had a lot of amazing years there . In a few minutes I 'm going to hop on the treadmill for my first run of 2010 . I pulled out all my warm weather outdoor running gear , but it 's - 5 air temperature ( feels like - 19 ) , and I 'm not crazy so treadmill it is . Plus this time next week I 'll be in Florida ! ! ! running outside in shorts ! ! ! ! I did a little blog reading while I was away , but I like to make my vacations as much a detox from the computer as I can . I 'm looking forward to catching up on all of you and hope you had a great holiday season . I looked back to see if I had written down resolutions for 2009 , but I only discovered a few , and those were more than a little too optimistic . I think the only resolution I kept was getting a bike and riding to and from work when the weather was nice . Now it 's time for Resolutions 2010 . Although a lot of " experts " caution against making general resolutions , that 's my intention this year . The problem with making really specific resolutions is that you don 't know how realistic that particular goal is or if it will change somehow over the course of the year . So this year 's goals will be less about things I can cross off a list and more like ideals to work toward . Also , a lot of these overlap . Without further ado and in no particular order , they are : 1 . Put away EVERYTHING after I use it . This means folding / hanging up my work clothes rather than setting them on a chair , washing the dishes immediately after I use them rather than allowing them to sit in the sink , and keeping my work files in order and put away when I 'm not using them so papers stay where they belong . It takes 30 seconds to do small tasks as needed . It takes hours to clean a messy house / office . ' Nuff said . 2 . Focus at work . Do one thing at a time . Work thoroughly through a task . Ask questions . Ask more questions . Be calm when it feels like I don 't have enough time to finish everything . NEVER open a Web browser unless it 's a designated break time . 3 . Consistently push myself beyond my comfort zone in all things fitness and healthy eating . Try new vegetables . Try new workouts . Try to push the speed up just a little higher on that interval and the gear up one more on the spin bike . Do not think that something " wont work for me " until I 've really tried it . 4 . Have more fun with more people . I enjoy socializing , but it seems like I always have a " good " reason not to plan my own outings / events . I just wait around for others to do the planning for me . No more ! If it sounds like fun for D and I , it 's better with company . ( Okay , this could be taken way the wrong wPosted by

WordPress . com Hot topic You know that thing you 're not meant to do , especially when you 're feeling that way , and have those thoughts running riot ; well … I did it . I did the one thing you 're not meant to do when you 're 29 , having a rough time and have been officially single for the last 4 years ; I looked up my high school classmates . How the actual fuck did my high school bullies find someone to date them let alone marry them ? ! ? How do they have solid relationships and children now ! ? ! To confuse matters , I don 't envy the marriage or the kids part - I still think I 'm 26 and that 's young - but , they 're in relationships . They 're literally in love . I envy that . I spend most of my day hating people for walking too slow on the way to work or for jumping on the tube before me in rush hour , or for standing so close to me while I 'm pressed up against the glass of the tube with a hunchback because they 're taller and I don 't want their armpit in my face . These people I didn 't give a shit about in high school are now more socially successful than me , and all I 've grown since high school is bitter . Take today ; I met up with an old flame - well , technically not , we had a few dates 2 years ago after meeting on tinder and then his visa ran out and he moved back to America ( I know , likely story ; wasn 't actually a brush off tho , totally true ) , anyway - and I swear , I spent almost the entire time talking about the inequality of men vs women with the hot topic of the recent experimental study into a male contraception . Now , I 'm not entirely sure why I didn 't think this would be something men don 't want to talk about , much less find attractive , but the only excuse I have here is that it genuinely didn 't occur to me that it would be anything other than an open dialogue about a relevant to our society subject . Turns out , shockingly , guys don 't want to talk about this . Bringing up the double standards isn 't something they were aware of or want to address . The response was " just , don xxHBxx By hopeberryin Thoughts on pageNovember 5 , 2016November 6 , 20161 , 018 WordsLeave a comment Why I quit my job … I w s a PA . I w rked for an incredibly successful media law firm in the most successful department and was highly regarded by my peers , my team , my direct bosses , my firm and the managing partner for my hard work and for always going above and beyond in my PA capacity . But I quit . I l ft my safe job for nothing . I l terally left for a life of nothingness . I h d no boyfriend , no hobbies , no active social life aside from occasionally hanging out with ' my boys ' , as I lovingly call them . I w sn 't embracing the life of London in the slightest . Thi wasn 't my job 's fault . But I quit . I t ok myself away from my safe zone and a life that wasn 't alive so that I could breathe with something to actually breathe for . For my day to become ' why am I here … ' as opposed to ' why am I here ? ! ? ' Do want to spend the final year of my twenties in an office hoping that I 'll soon get a pay rise that reflects the work I do , and a boyfriend that will want to go on adventures with me and love me for the person I am including my flaws and fakery , and a home I can raise my children in where they won 't have to worry about stability or safety because I am strong enough to create that for them . I d n 't have these children and I don 't have that environment for them because I haven 't lived the life that will lead me to that form of emotional comfort where I can pass this on to them . I d n 't have this boyfriend because I haven 't put myself in any place where we both thrive and shine bright enough to see each other . And I really don 't have this magical pay rise because , oddly enough , I hadn 't asked for it . I d dn 't tell them my worth , I merely hoped they would notice it and reward me accordingly . I f rgot the world is a business . So quit . Alt ough , no , I didn 't . Or ather , I haven 't . Not yet , I tell my friends that ask . I m saving up , is my monologue of choice ; not being strictly unMy plan ( Jesus even I 'm sick of that word ) is to [ try to ] save for ten months , and then move to Canada on the work and travel visa before hitting my thirties and that privilege runs out ! The my post will be a Fuck Yes , rather than a Here 's What You Could 've Had monologue . My reatest fear of repeating a life in poverty is the fear that makes me stay in a job where I can pay for my rent and food each month . I ve been poor and I was able to be happy . The happiest people make the most of what they have , they don 't have the most ; we 've all seen the memes and know it 's actually true , but the knowledge of how hard it was , and that I don 't have to live like that , scares me more than the hope of how good it can be . One more push for the road . ^ c Two weeks ago I spent the weekend with my eldest sister , R , outside my home of the big smoke , and stepped into country life for two nights . My sister and I were estranged for five years after a troubled upbringing together . We were similar in so many ways that we clashed more than anyone in our family . Last year I reached out to her when I returned from travelling and told her I was sorry for every part I had played in our troubled history together . She came back and said the same to me . Since then we 've been building our relationship back up . Every time we meet up we spend a little time catching up on what is happening with us now and then we get to the deeper topic of our family and childhood . My middle sister , S , is a newly qualified counsellor . We 've had more than our fair share of horrific memories together , most of which have left a tattoo on our relationship and intense trust issues , but for the most part she 's my closest allie . R and I , being the most hotheaded and stubborn members of our family , have a similar outlook on most things , including our upbringing . Our parents divorced when I was three , S was five and R was nine . But the story never begins there . No one leaves a happy home . It was our Mum that left . That 's usually the most shocking part to the story when I tell outsiders ; not that she left my Dad , but that she left us all . I was raised by my Dad to believe a story that he , together with us three children , had stood in front of my Mum who was stood with her belongings at the front door while my Dad , and us three , begged her not to leave . She then turned around and left us . Or so I was told my entire childhood . My Dad painted himself the victim of an evil woman who turned out to be a gold digging whore ; words he recited to us from the age of three to this day on almost every occasion of addressing my Mum . In reality , a reality it took me twenty - odd years to fully realise , my Dad was an abusive , aggressive , lazy , arrogant , bitter child - like man that has never accepted responsibility for aShe got a key to his house , we 're still not sure how but we suspect she lied to his neighbour , and sorted his post - by opening it all - went through his documents and made herself at home in the house he 's lived in alone for twenty - five years . If he knew this part , he 'd possibly get a restraining order , so he doesn 't know this either . Given the chance , my Dad would do the exact same to my Mum . This is the kind of shit I 've had around me my whole life . One party obsessed with the other , the other being disgusted by them . Back and forth . I blame this for my fear of commitment ; I don 't want to be either one of them , especially not the obsessed party . My eldest sister pushes every man away from her walls but always has a man . My middle sister clings to any man and can 't ever be alone . I won 't let myself get close for fear that they 'll damage me more , so am always alone . As my big sister put it two weeks ago when referring to all three of us ; we 're all damaged , in different ways . xxHBxx Six weeks ago I moved into my new flat in Brixton after having a complete landlord - nightmare at my old house in Shepherds Bush . I can 't even remember finding it on the flat finding app , but I had clicked ' favourite ' on it and then promptly got a message from the guy in the flat asking if I wanted to view the room . I replied yes , along with messages to other prospective flatmates arranging times to view theirs also . I went to view it after work , thinking in the morning that I was viewing a flat in Angel and only realising it was the one in Brixton when I typed in the address to my map app . I called the guy , whose name I couldn 't remember and definitely couldn 't pronounce , when I arrived at Brixton since my phone killed the map app upon arrival . He answered with his thick Mancunian accent and I was instantly happy in an ' omgthankgodhesenglishshitthatssobadofmetothinkthat ' kind of way . I 'd had a lot of bad luck with flat hunting and culture differences had played a small part I 'm sad to say . When I got there I swear Liam Gallagher answered the door . He was the spitting image and sounded just like him . He showed me the flat and then we sat and chatted for a bit while I smiled a lot , played on my Yorkshire accent and announced that I loved the flat . Two days later he text saying it was mine if I wanted it . I replied yes ! We arranged when I 'd move in and then a week later I did . My friends asked what my flat was like and then quizzed me about my new flatmate , was he cute being top of the list . No , he 's not my type . My type , as I 've always known , isn 't looks - not that he 's not good looking , he is , he 's got the best smile but we 'll get to that . My friends know my type as being ' Americans ' , I do love the accents . My type is nice guys . Simply , guys that are just nice people that I have fun with . I ( and the rest of girl - world ) love a man that can make me laugh ; uncontrollable , belly laugh . If he can do that I 'm pretty much his . After a week we had our routine down to a T . We 'd finish work , eat , I 'd chill on the sofa and him on the chair next to it , we 'd watch TV and talk throughout whatever show we had on about either the show or our own stories and we 'd smoke cigarettes . This guy could make me laugh . I loved coming home . When I 'd been living in Shepherds Bush I would go out for drinks after work most nights to avoid going home . Here , I couldn 't think of anything better than being at home with him . A week after I moved in I had my work summer party . The night before I had faked tanned which meant I was stood in my kitchen / living room looking bright orange , my hair up off my orange face , with tiny shorts on and my dressing gown wrapped round my boobs when he came home . I let him know I 'd tanned and was a little naked and he came in . We were so comfortable together I didn 't feel like the twat that I looked and he didn 't look at me any differently than I always looked . We chatted for hours and then I went to bed . That was the first night I heard him play guitar . When I 'd come to view the flat there had been a guitar on the chair but I 'd thought it was like the longboard I had in my room ; more for decoration . I opened my door a little to hear him play and then text him asking him to play louder if it was him playing . He replied that he was sorry if he woke me and I let him know he hadn 't . The next morning he shouted down to my room that he was leaving , I ran upstairs in my summer party dress and shouted " wait wait wait , do I look ok ? " At the top of the stairs I stopped in my tracks ; thixxHBxx The next day two were mad at us for leaving them out and spent the entire day ignoring us then yelled at us after school for this . Which might sound silly , but we were 5 . No , wait , we were 27 . It was after work . And this was yesterday . After last week 's trifector of shite I needed a weekend with friends to not be alone with my thoughts . Fearing I 'd eat them , and everything else . I was originally only spending Saturday / Sunday with one friend , but after my breakdown on Friday , another friend asked if she could stay at mine after our work drinks . Saturday I was meeting our friend , I 'll call her T , for less confusion there , so my overnight friend came too . Our other single friend had no plans at that time in the day so decided to join us in dying my hair pink again . On this hot as hell day we went to a park first and had lunch , then went to T 's house to dye my hair . We had no clue this was a battle cry we 'd initiated . In our ' group ' , only three members weren 't there . All have boyfriends / husband . All had plans . All knew we were meeting up . The singles arrived at work oblivious to the fact we were now public enemy to two of the girls . And the other girl , fuck I just love this girl , laughed as hard as I did when we found out why they were mad . Without meaning to be bitches , we had now become the poster children for it , in the two 's eyes . How DARE we leave them out . How MEAN of us to not tell them we were going to a park for 2 hours because it turned out to be a hot day . How INCONSIDERATE of us to tag our location on social media . Our intention obviously being a middle finger in their direction , of course . No . How fucking PATHETIC this argument was . Seriously , we 're twenty - fucking - seven , give or take . I found it funny until I realised T didn 't . In fact , it was almost entirely aimed at her . Their argument was that this wasn 't the first time . The first time what ? ! That we hung out outside of work and you didn 't want to join us until you saw we had fun anyway ? ! Then got mad at being " left out " ? By hopeberryin Thoughts on pageJuly 7 , 2015July 7 , 2015993 WordsLeave a comment Waiting to Exhale Just breathe … ! My mantra of late . With a little over a year under my belt in my current job I had thought I was now a pro at sussing out my boss . As it turns out , I had been little more than conditioned to simply take the bullshit and get on with it . Everything comes in threes and last week my triangle was completed . It began Wednesday , turning up to work and telling my two desk buddies that it was going to be a horrible day because ' boss ' was going to yell at me . I hadn 't made any mistakes or done anything to piss her off , it was simply the only day that week that she would be in the office and , experience told me , I would be deafened for it as usual . My desk buddies laughingly brushing it off ended at 1 . 10pm when I arrived at our usual lunch spot late and in tears . After being yelled at to get into the toilet cubicle so that ' boss ' could yell at me in private I stood with my legs to a toilet as she blocked the door and swore at me for being busy that morning with deadlined work for my other boss , her equal in rank within the firm . Defending myself I calmly explained that my other boss ' deadline was 1pm ( as I had already told her ) and I couldn 't interrupt that to add the minor amendments ' boss ' wanted in the letter she was sending out at 3pm . ( I 'm talking adding two commas to this letter … it was interrupting for interrupting 's sake ! ) When there was nowhere further she could go on this point she swore at me for a box of files at her desk . To which I explained she still needed to go through that box before I sent it to storage . When this fizzled she simply told me she was very mad at me with a few F - bombs for good measure , then walked out of the cubicle . I walked back to my desk , picked up my bag and contemplated getting the tube to Heathrow , if only I carried my passport as standard for ID . A day of simultaneous shaking and bursting into tears at my desk my anxiety rash was back on my neck and I organised a meeting with HR . The next day I organised a meeting with HR and our Staff Partner . After more than a year of this same routine I would no longer work for her . That was One . Thursday was anxiety - rash filled and contained fewer tears until I decided retail therapy with a friend might help . I had broken my favourite pair of flip flops tripping over nothing in River Island meaning I had to walk around Oxford Street barefoot until I found a new pair I liked - which , it turns out , I don 't like any new flip flops these days . They 're uncomfortable and weird ( who the hell wants straps up to their knees when wearing FLATS ? ! ? ) I am having money troubles and this is the last expense I need . ( Two ) Then , while stood outside Debenhams waiting for my friend to come back from the restroom , leaning against the window smoking and staring at my broken shoe and bare feet , a random guy decides I 'm the perfect tragedy to call fat . Kick me when I 'm down , fucker ! He walked up , said " Well , you 're a fatty ! " and walked straight past smiling and looking back for my reaction . In shock I could only muster " you 're kidding me right now , right ! " To which he burst out laughing and shouted back " keep eating bitch ! ! " Well fuck me did I crumble . ( Three ) My friend came back from the toilets to see me shaking and crying and wanting to run away but I had a broken fucking shoe ! ! It was my first week wearing a skirt - in about 7 years - in public let alone to work . I had worked so hard to feel comfortable enough for this and then BOOM , down she goes , because of the last twat of the day . I got an Uber home because I couldn 't handle walking barefoot down Oxford Street anymore and I didn 't want to face any more of the public for fear they 'd make me want to walk into traffic . When I got home , I stripped to my underwear , stood in the front of the mirror and broke down . Crouched on the floor in a bra and pants I shook from sobbing so hard , asking the universe for mercy . I couldn 't do this anymore . I couldn 't keep picking myself up and trying to love myself then being slammed down out of nowhere . I couldn 't keep living like this . This wasn 't life . How was this possibly life ? This wasn 't going to make me stronger , I had been getting stronger . This was a game to someone . I was powerless . I cried until my head was exploding and then I slept . About 3 hours . Friday at work I barely spoke . My friends knew what had happened and tried to help , but at lunch I chose to sit alone as I cried on the phone to my sister . Refusing to eat , I smoked for my lunch . I hadn 't eaten in 24 hours and I never wanted to eat again . I honestly crashed . Thinking of it now , and reading it how others may read this , I was throwing myself a huge pitty party . But I needed to cry . I needed to cry for everything the last year had put me through . I needed to cry for the girl that had been treated like a dog by her boss for a year and had come back to it every time like a puppy does . I needed to cBy hopeberryin Hope Travels , Thoughts on pageJuly 6 , 2015July 7 , 20151 , 499 WordsLeave a comment 24 hours without a friend " Big olde gorilla balls " Seventeen months ago I said goodbye to Ocean Beach , San Diego . In saying goodbye to a place I felt was my home , I also said goodbye to people I had grown to love as family . I had been a resident of OB for , in total , one month ( having taken a three week break to embrace Hawaiian adventures ) then returned to my home by the ocean . As a traveller with a limited legal timeframe in one country , to spend a month of your time in one single hostel , one single area of a larger district , city , State - you would have to be either unadventurous and afraid to leave a known comfort zone , or completely in love with the people and the place of where you were . Four months , ten States , nineteen hostels , three cars , one tent , five new friends ' houses and seventeen State lines into my trip , I 'm happy to say I was the latter . I spent my New Years of 2014 becoming 2015 in Frankfurt , Germany with my best friend , my boo , who I had met in our beloved OB fourteen months before that and whom I had also explored two islands of Hawaii and moved to Australia with . When I arrived back in OB from Kauai , Hawaii I had talked of my new plan to travel in Australia for a year and had come up with another plan that once my time in Australia had ended , I would fly back to San Diego to spend Christmas and New Year ( 14 / 15 ) with my family that were building their futures in OB ; Katya and Davey . Two sweethearts from Alabama . When Australia didn 't turn out to be as I had imagined and I returned home after just two months there , I spent a month revisiting family and friends across England and moved back to London , alone , to start my new journey at the headquarters of the fifth biggest law firm in the world . Two months later I moved in my journey to a top media and entertainment law firm , and that 's where I am now . Worlds away from my drifter life in OB . Yesterday , as I sleepily looked at my phone lisBy hopeberryin Thoughts on page , UncategorizedApril 6 , 2015April 8 , 2015964 WordsLeave a comment Posts navigation

Yep , the nation 's retailers , as they do every year , want you to buy all your Christmas stuff months before you need it . And if there 's stuff you need now , like sunscreen , barbecue supplies , too bad ! You should have thought to buy that in February , you moron ! The basic fact that they want our money is fine . They have to make a profit . But the business model I like is long gone . It used to be stores sold us quality stuff at a time of year we wanted it . We 'd get what we want , the stores would get our money and both the store and us were happy that everyone was happy . What they 're doing is training us to panic . We now know we can 't buy things we need when we need them , so we have to rush to buy them six months before they do us any good . They triggers our hoarding instincts . If we perceive things are going to be scarce when we need them , we panic and get more than what we need now . It 's hot and sunny outside in Vermont today . I need sunscreen . But I 'm out . Should have bought more in February . Thanks , nation 's retailers . Only you forgot if I die of skin cancer , I can 't buy any more of your useless goods . So maybe you won 't get rich off me any more . Well , then . Temper , temper . I can 't imagine U . S . Secretary of State John Kerry talking like that to say , the British foreign minister . Our Man in Malta is apparently not in Malta anymore . The U . S . government has recalled him and apologized for the undiplomatic diplomat . He has not been publicly identified . I 'd still love to find him to detemine whether he things the argument was worth it . It 's a lesson to our former Man in Malta . The cameras are everywhere , and there 's no sense in losing your temper . Overreacting just a wee bit , were we ? Now that it appears you 're losing your job with the U . S . diplomatic corp , you can maybe get a job on a cable news show . They behave like that all the time there . You 'll fit right in . Rim fire in California in this photo by Don Bartlettof the Los Angeles Times . It has already burned through more than 300 square miles of forest , and the fire rages on . It 'll take weeks to fully put out , we 're told . This guy says he retrieved a discarded sandwich fromthe trash at Starbucks . A firing offense ? Nope , he wasn 't sampling all the coffees or anything like that . Store employees had thrown out some wrapped sandwiches which had passed their sell - by date . But that was stealing , according to The Slog , and Loptmann was fired . Yes , yes , I suppose Starbucks was looking for an excuse to Loptmann and just picked the stupidest one . But he says he wasn 't on the boss 's shit list until this happened . 3 . Starbucks didn 't want the negative publicity about low wages and low hours , so they fired this guy to shut all the employees up who were tempted to do something like this because they have no money . If this is the case , the plan backfired . 4 . Starbucks doesn 't want employees getting sick on discarded food , as a spokesman for the company said . But Loptmann said nobody mentioned his health . They just yelled at him for stealing . 6 . Whoever is in charge of the rules wants to demonstrate that even if you 're poor or broke , you have no business taking something for free . Even if nobody wants that item . He misses her terribly , and one day , lonely , he sat down and wrote the lyrics of a love song to her . It 's called " Oh Sweet Lorraine . " Trust me , it 's a beautiful song . Stoubaugh came across an ad for Green Shoe Studio 's contest , so he sent his lyrics in . He didn 't think it would amount to much . By his own admission , Stobaugh isn 't much of a singer . Plus Green Shoe was looking for submissions via email . And videos from YouTube . Stobaugh wasn 't exactly into either . So they brought him in , hired some professional musicians , a good lead singer and did all the bells and whistles to cut a record of Stobaugh 's beautiful song . Stobaugh said the song brings him some degree of comfort . According to Green Shoe Studio 's web site , he said : " The song really helps me . It really helps me . It just seemed like she 's just sort of with me . Which I know she 's smiling , she 's smiling down and she likes that song , I know . " Stobaugh was there to hear what Green Shoe Studio came up with for " Sweet Lorraine . " Here 's the video , but a warning : There is a MAJOR Kleenex alert here . You 'll need them . one year ago today . On each of the past 365 days I 've woken up in the morning , and the first thought that occurs to me is I am married to Jeff . Always , I smile at the thought , and suddenly have the courage to face the day , whatever it brings . Really , it 's just another marriage . People get married all the time . With the death of the odious Defense of Marriage Act , more gay couples like us are getting hitched , too . Marriage is as common as sun rays on a glorious summer morning . And as special as those rays . Yes , Jeff and I have just another marriage . But when you 're in it , like I am , the glow of those sun rays make me feel like I 'm walking on air , drinking in love , wanting to live with Jeff forever . And if I can help it , I will do just that . Last year , in this blog , on the day I married Jeff , I wrote that it was important to make a public statement , to essentially shout from the rooftops that this marriage is a Big Deal . That we had a responsibility to keep the love growing . If only because the world needs more good things . I embrace the sound of Jeff snoring softly after I get up early in the morning and he sleeps in a bit . The warm smells of the dinner he 's making that waft in from the kitchen . His arched eyebrow when I make another smart aleck remark . The way he gets excited like a little kid when he 's got a great idea for a show he 's designing , a design that the people putting on the play love . We 've settled into the routines of marriage . We get up , we make ourselves breakfast , one of us takes Jackson the Cocker Spaniel outside . In the evening , Jeff sits in his easy chair , Jackson draped on the head rest behind him . I rest on the couch , trying desperately , but failing to stop dropping crumbs on the floor as I finish eating dinner . It 's been a great year , even thought it came with a lot of challenges . One of our beloved dogs , Bailey , died in May . Together , we cried over Bailey 's death and our joined emotions helped get us through . Jeff had to travel a lot in the spring and early summer . It was a constant blur of planes , cars , unfamiliar beds , me feeling lonely at home . I don 't know if distance makes the heart grow fonder , but our bond was just as strong as ever when we were hundreds of miles apart . I don 't know what led us to find each other . I know the mechanics of it all , the initial whiff of interest in each other , the first date , the growing relationship , the deepening connection that led to our marriage . But why did our two lives intersect in the first place ? How did we get so lucky ? Maybe some readers are groaning at this flowery tribute to the relationship between Jeff and me . It 's just a marriage . And I guess this post is just a love letter to Jeff . I could have kept it all private . But to me , this marriage is too big to hide away in a little box , to be shared only between Jeff and me . We felt the wonderful support of all our family and friends as we got married on August 26 , 2012 . That set us off on exactly the right foot . We feel how happy everyone is for us . We feel how people think this marriage is so right . A refuge for Jeff and me , certainly . And maybe enough to make those we love smile a bit , too . What 's the harm in that ? Even if I do blab on and on about something that is " just a marriage . " On Gawker , we have news of a U . S . Homeland Security official who apparently would just love to start a race war and has a website to promote this idea . Does this probably soon to be ex Homeland Securityemployee want to start a race war ? I 'm not sure how a race war would enhance the nation 's security but maybe the Homeland Security employee , whose name is Ayo Kimathi , has some idea . In any event , I think Kimathi 's job at Homeland Security is just about done . I also hope there 's no other people in the agency like this guy . We 'd have to rename it Homeland Insecurity . Musician George Dennehy Today 's installment is George Dennehy , who was born without arms . He 's also got a taste for playing the guitar . No problem , though ! He just plays the instrument with his feet . And very , very well , and he seems to be launching a successful music career . Watch and see if you can do this : because the family refused to hate her because she 's gay . The first is a church in Tennessee who kicked an entire family out of the congregation . Why ? I 'm frankly surprised anybody still belongs to this church . Every family has a member who has done something to " violate " the rules of this church , I 'm sure . Heck , any random " impure " thought could get you kicked out . And I have to wonder what nasty stuff goes on in the paster 's mind ? Jensen said the owner of Cedar Fort Publishing , Lyle Mortimer went off on him : " The conversation really devolved quickly . . . . . . Lyle started yelling about my ' agenda ' and how I was trying to destroy families . He even started saying inappropiate things about how God had given me a penis for a reason . It was very uncomfortable . " What , God gave Jensen a penis so he could write a novel ? I 'm confused . I hope Jensen finds another publisher for his novel . Maybe a publisher which does what they 're supposed to do , like find good books to publish , and not worry about what the author does when he 's not writing . Amazing to watch them go straight down . It 's part of a large sinkhole that appeared more than a year ago , and the edges of it continue to collapse . One of those collapses explains these trees going away . The sinhole is now 25 acres in size , according to The Advocate in Louisiana . The edges of it could continue collapsing for years . Here 's the wild video : Makes you not want to take a canoe into a marsh or pond anymore . Did this ridiculous movie launch a bunchof imitators and can I join the bandwagon ? Why , I don 't know . It sure is beyond over the top , but still . A contender that 's getting some attention is something called " Squirrels . " Yes . Squirrels . Apparently in this movie , a gas company 's work is disrupting the environment . The squirrels get royally pissed off and start brutally attacking humans . This weird horror movie trend is giving me ideas . I could use some money , so maybe I could Kickstart some ideas for a sort of Vermont based horror movie . Anybody in ? I promise not to create Mac Parker style fiasco . " Mount Peculiar " An evil executive from a manufacturer of genetically altered seeds aims to make state lawmakers in Montpelier do their bidding by giving the legislature " special " corn to much on during a Chamber of Commerce barbecue . The plan goes awry when the genetically altered corn turns the lawmakers in uber - liberal Vermont into right wing Tea Party types . A civil war results , the state is split in half and the Northeast Kingdom becomes the country of " Teaghanistan . " Some did the only logical stupidest possible thing . They called 911 to help . As most of us know and Fairfield Police Department had to remind people , 911 is for life threatening emergencies . " NOTICE : We are receiving numerous 911 calls regarding the Cablevision outage . This is neither an emergency or a police related concern . Please direct your inquiries to Cablevision . Misuse of the 911 system may result in an arrest . Besides , what were the 911 responders , police , and fire and rescue and whatnot supposed to do about the cable television problem ? I don 't think they have a magic wand that switches the cable back on when it hiccups . And really , you might feel like you 're having a heart attack for missing " Breaking Bad " but you 're not . Trust me . Even though I 'm not a doctor . You know the type . The idiot who spouts off to anyone , angrily about some ill - conceived complaint they have . And said complaint is based on extreme stupidity . They have no idea what they 're talking about . The combination makes these mean and dumb types the butt of everyone 's jokes . The neighborhood where this autistic kid hangs out is indeed up in arms , but not over the 13 year old boy , named Max . The residents are fine with Max . They are , predictably and admirably , not fine with the letter writer . Somebody will figure out that person 's identity , I 'm sure . And the moronic troll can suffer the consequences of worldwide derision , thereby making his or her life more miserable than it already is . Which is precisely the only thing trolls are good at . There are a few mysteries in this story . Exactly what did he hit with his car , and why was he foaming at the mouth ? There 's no evidence our buddy had rabies or anything . In any event , this is a cautionary tale for you partiers out there . It 's a bad idea to smash up your car and then speed down the highway at a zillion miles per hour . Just sayin ' . Needless to say , there are flaws in this theory . Yes , there 's the EWWWW ! ! ! ! factor , and frankly , that 's a biggie for me . Even if tapeworms really were a good weight loss method , I 'd rather just stay fat . But for those who want scientific facts , I have those , too . Tapeworms mainly ingest needed vitamins , especially B12 not the calories so much . So you just get unhealthy , not necessarily skinny . But unfortunately , the tapeworm trend is hot , hot , hot . Women in Shanghai are reportedly snapping them up to get their svelte figure back . I don 't know if being sick is that attractive , but what do I know about fashion and looks ? This is one trend I won 't follow . Yeah , I could stand to lose a little weight . But maybe I 'll just do the tried and true method . You know , eat healthier food , maybe exercise a little . more . When the robbers duly returned after an hour , the restaurant was indeed less busy than it was before . The robbers demanded food and $ 100 . The restaurant owner , Mohammed Muhki , feigning forgetfulness , said he 'd comply but he had to go get his wife 's checkbook to give the robbers their money . Of course not ! Muhki , " searching for the check book " called the cops , who were waiting nearby . They made the arrest . Which will give time for the robbers to think through their next crime . In any event , it does look like fun , even though I 'd opt for something more sedate to help me survive a summer day . Maybe something like a lounge chair and a margarita . Fewer injuries that way . An editor arriving for an evening shift thought it odd there was a man sitting inside Lefebvre 's car . She mentioned it to Lefebvre , who was working in the newspaper office . He looked out the window to see the man drive his car away . Sort of . The CRV has a stick shift , and the guy had trouble managing that . Lefebvre , in fact was almost able to catch up to the car and the thief on foot , but not quite . So staffers called the police and posted a note about the theft on the Chronicle 's Facebook page . A few hours later , people who had seen the Facebook post saw the CRX in the nearby village of Orleans . Lefebvre called the cops , who went to Orleans pronto and found the suspected car thief emerging from the restroom of a Texaco station . The alleged thief was promptly arrested . The house in Colorado with a handicap access rampin this image from KKTV . Neighbors object to the ramp , saying it brings down property values . The couple got approvals from the city and built a handicap access ramp to their front door , and widened their driveway a bit to make room for the van that provides transportation for their teenage daughter . The ramp looks fine . It even has a nice little flower garden in front of it . The ramp complies with all city rules and building codes , so this is not news , right ? Enter the Giesegh 's neighbors , who let 's just say I 'm glad do not live anywhere near me . The Gieseghs say the neighbors have threatened them with a lawsuit , saying the handicap ramp will bring down their property values , according to television station KKTV . I 'm not sure how the neighbors think their threats will work . How will the ramp bring down neighborhood property values ? Judging from the pictures , it 's well constructed , not obtrusive , and the Giesegh home looks tidy and well maintained . Sergio Branco in this image fromThe New Jersey Star Ledger . Insurancesnafus almost killed him . According to the New Jersey Star Ledger , Sergio Branco came down with leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant . They found a good match for him , but it 's an expensive treatment , costing maybe $ 500 , 000 . For that mistake , the former employer and Paychex , a third party benefits administrator basically imposed the death penalty on Branco . They would not cover the transplant , according to the Star Ledger . You 'd think the matter would be handled simply . Paychex , or whoever is running the show could have contacted the Brancos and said , " Hey Dufus ! You forgot the 26 cents . Pay up now . " If they wanted to be mean , they could have imposed some sort of $ 10 stupid charge on the Brancos or something . I have no proof and I could well be wrong . ( Please set me straight if I am missing some information here ) , but here 's what my conspiracy - addled mind thinks what happened . And to be fair , some of the parties might be innocent . Paychex might be under orders from an insurance carrier . Branco 's former employer might have their hands tied by an insurance company . Or the employer might have mucked things up with the insurer . And somebody would have had to pay for Branco 's transplant . Maybe his former employer , or some insurance company thought the price was too steep , that it would cut into profits . Maybe piss off a shareholder or two . This seems to happen a lot . Often , the cases get media attention . Bad PR is even more expensive than high medical bills , or whatever , so once the journalists start to poke around , things get " resolved . " Christina Bianco does some awesome impressionsin a rendition of " Total Eclipse Of The Heart . " The over the top , over produced , over sung and overly dramatic but still oddly great song by Bonnie Tyler was a huge hit . And it has been parodied and spoofed ever since . The song is made incredibly entertaining as Bianco sings the song in the voices of 19 famous divas . My favorites in her repertoire are Edith Piaf and Christina Aguilera , but all of them are awesome . A Tennessee judge was not happy whenthis cute little boy 's mom named him " Messiah . " This turn of events came about because a Tennessee family court judge ruled that the name Messiah is already taken by God and so she ordered the parents to rename the tyke , according to television station WBIR in Knoxville . The parents of what was little Messiah were in court because they split up and couldn 't agree on what last name the kid should have . " The word Messiah is a title and it 's a title that has only been earned by one person and that one person is Jesus Christ , " Ballew said , according to an account by WBIR . I 'm going to defy Judge Ballew here and keep calling the kid Messiah in this post . Here 's why : Messiah 's mom says she 's going to appeal the judge 's ruling . The judge said she changed Messiah 's name because he 's in a region with a lot of Christians and the name would ruffle their feathers . But is that really the judge 's problem ? And is naming a kid Messiah actually honoring God ? I don 't know Mom 's motivation in naming the kid , but that could be one . What about people named Jesus ? There are a TON of regular people , many of them Hispanics , with the first name Jesus . Should they change their names ? And should we change the names of kids who just have weird first names , because those monikers might bother people ? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their new bundle of joy North West . ( Will their next kid be the sibling 's polar opposite , South East ? ) From South Carolina this week , we get news that a man was arrested for rubbing buttered toast on the windshield of his neighbor 's car . This man is accused of smearing buttered toaston a windshield but nobody is telling us why The frustrating thing about this report is , there 's no context . You told us about the guy with the toast , but you didn 't tell us why . Isn 't that the most important part of the story ? I have to admit as a kid I couldn 't STAND Eydie Gorme and her husband and singing partner Steve Lawrence . So lovey dovey . So cheesy . So many teeth in those smile . The late , great Eydie Gorme Of course my negative opinion of Gorme and Lawrence was unfair . What 's wrong with love ? And if they were so happy and in love with each other and their lives , why should I complain ? One has to remember to not get all cynical and eye - rolling with sedate contentment . And Gorme was a talented singer . Steve and Eydie were together for 55 years . Steve Lawrence released this touching and sad statement about his wife 's death . " We 're not downsizing . We 're rightsizing ! " Which means firing a bunch of people . That should make all the people who find themselves suddenly jobless totally happy . But trying to put a positive spin on something negative is just dishonest . Why would anyone want to buy a product or service from a company like that ? Perhaps that 's why they 're circling the drain in the first place . " The structural changes at AOL are possible because of the progress we have made as a team in the last 12 months . The majority of our sites have materially improved their customer experiences , our advertising business continues to get healthier and more innovative , our video position is strengthening everyday , or local footprint is quickly expanding , we are attraction some of the most talented people in the world to work at AOL , and our technology infrastructure is simpler and more robust . AOL is a global brand and a global opportunity and we are doing the hard work that will once again make the company an industry leader . " Just stay away from the corporate speak , please , so that our rolling eyes don 't end up rolling out our ears and onto the floor . It would make a mess . That one of your rightsized , er , downsized employees will have to clean up . him to a youth prison for his fun and profit . So it was particularly satisfying to read that a Pennsylvania judge , Mark Ciavarella , has been sentenced to 28 years in jail for sending teenagers to a youth prison on trumped up charged because he made money from keeping the youth prison full . According to the web site Rolling Out : " Ciavarella would sentence offenders with small offenses to months and , at times , yeas behind bars . He once sentenced a teen to trhee months in jail for creating a MySpace page that mocked her school 's assistant principal . Ciavarella also sentenced another teen for 90 days in jail for a simple schoolyard fight . " The photo in this post shows Kenzakoski 's mother confronting Ciavarella . The image is heartbreaking . At least to most people . I have a feeling though , that Ciavarella doesn 't give a whit if anybody was upset with his crimes . I 'll admit I 'm fascinated by Ciavarella in a morbid sort of way . He , a judge , would know more than just about everyone how devastating a criminal conviction could be for a teenager . It would follow them for the rest of their lives , affecting their ability to go to school , get a job , be successful . And we are all victims in this . The primary victim is of course the teenager falsely convicted by the ikes of Ciavarella . But his actions probably made it more likely his victims would need some sort of public assistance in the the future . That 's our tax money folks . All because or creepy , horrible judge Ciavarella wanted to get rich , and it it hurt somebody , so what ? I hope all the kids Ciavarella improperly sentenced are OK and doing well outside of prison . But a part of me hopes that a few of them re - offended , and are back in prison and will meet Ciaveralla , 63 , there . The crash happened when for some reason the bus was backing up on a highway and was hit by an oncoming semi truck . The truck driver was killed , and obviously pretty much everyone on the bus was injured . But they all survived . In the second video , a truck plunges off a highway overpass in Texas . Unfortunately , the driver died , but none of the other motorists on the highways were hurt . The truck narrowly missed some cars , but everybody was able to get out of the way . The Hallowich family . Even the kidshere are subject to a gag order aftera lawsuit . Can the lawyers do that ? Apparently , they can . Some landowners have sued gas companies over fracking , that practice of injected mass quantities of water and some chemicals to extract oil or gas from the shale or rocks way underground . The practice is controversial , as you have probably seen on the news . Those provisions are common in lawsuits , though I don 't like such gag orders . If there are problems related to fracking , or anything else for that matter , the public doesn 't know if there is a gag order , and the offenders can say to investigators that there are no reports of problem . No public reports , at least . So things get covered up . But that 's not my big concern here . According to several published reports the Hallowich 's kids , ages 7 and 10 , are also subject to the gag order . For the rest of their lives , they can 't talk about this at all . This opens up a new front in corporate secrecy , which to me is scary . It 's unclear what the forbidden words even are . The Post Gazette had to fight for the court transcript , which is normally a public record . And they didn 't get the settlement agreement , and I think those are supposed to be public , too . But during the settlement hearing , it was clear the lawyers wanted to shut the children up , according to the Post Gazette . One lawyer for a gas company said , " I guess our position is it does apply to the whole family . We would certainly enforce it . " Let 's hope so . I mean , what are you going to do ? Throw a 12 year old in jail or sue him for a million dollars for saying on a playground , " Friggin ' fracking ! " And what if these agreements become commonplace ? What if there is a whole host of things kids are barred from talking about ? I hope there is an appeal to this case . It needs to be made clear that we can 't impose legal contracts on kids without their consent . Really , this is almost child abuse , if you ask me . The sun glows through a day lily Day lillies compete with wildflowers at the edge of my property . A riot of color in front of my house . Posted by But please watch the G - rated video , below , of a guy named Andrew Henderson playing around with a soccer ball . ( OK , football if you want to get all British about it ) The guy is amazing . Maybe I should practice like Henderson and make this my new career ? Nah . I 'll do something else . But I 'll still marvel at Henderson . I 'm sure his wife is impressed . She probably even bought a new phone . I wouldn 't want to touch it after what Revere Weiner did .

Yep , the nation 's retailers , as they do every year , want you to buy all your Christmas stuff months before you need it . And if there 's stuff you need now , like sunscreen , barbecue supplies , too bad ! You should have thought to buy that in February , you moron ! The basic fact that they want our money is fine . They have to make a profit . But the business model I like is long gone . It used to be stores sold us quality stuff at a time of year we wanted it . We 'd get what we want , the stores would get our money and both the store and us were happy that everyone was happy . What they 're doing is training us to panic . We now know we can 't buy things we need when we need them , so we have to rush to buy them six months before they do us any good . They triggers our hoarding instincts . If we perceive things are going to be scarce when we need them , we panic and get more than what we need now . It 's hot and sunny outside in Vermont today . I need sunscreen . But I 'm out . Should have bought more in February . Thanks , nation 's retailers . Only you forgot if I die of skin cancer , I can 't buy any more of your useless goods . So maybe you won 't get rich off me any more . Well , then . Temper , temper . I can 't imagine U . S . Secretary of State John Kerry talking like that to say , the British foreign minister . Our Man in Malta is apparently not in Malta anymore . The U . S . government has recalled him and apologized for the undiplomatic diplomat . He has not been publicly identified . I 'd still love to find him to detemine whether he things the argument was worth it . It 's a lesson to our former Man in Malta . The cameras are everywhere , and there 's no sense in losing your temper . Overreacting just a wee bit , were we ? Now that it appears you 're losing your job with the U . S . diplomatic corp , you can maybe get a job on a cable news show . They behave like that all the time there . You 'll fit right in . Rim fire in California in this photo by Don Bartlettof the Los Angeles Times . It has already burned through more than 300 square miles of forest , and the fire rages on . It 'll take weeks to fully put out , we 're told . This guy says he retrieved a discarded sandwich fromthe trash at Starbucks . A firing offense ? Nope , he wasn 't sampling all the coffees or anything like that . Store employees had thrown out some wrapped sandwiches which had passed their sell - by date . But that was stealing , according to The Slog , and Loptmann was fired . Yes , yes , I suppose Starbucks was looking for an excuse to Loptmann and just picked the stupidest one . But he says he wasn 't on the boss 's shit list until this happened . 3 . Starbucks didn 't want the negative publicity about low wages and low hours , so they fired this guy to shut all the employees up who were tempted to do something like this because they have no money . If this is the case , the plan backfired . 4 . Starbucks doesn 't want employees getting sick on discarded food , as a spokesman for the company said . But Loptmann said nobody mentioned his health . They just yelled at him for stealing . 6 . Whoever is in charge of the rules wants to demonstrate that even if you 're poor or broke , you have no business taking something for free . Even if nobody wants that item . He misses her terribly , and one day , lonely , he sat down and wrote the lyrics of a love song to her . It 's called " Oh Sweet Lorraine . " Trust me , it 's a beautiful song . Stoubaugh came across an ad for Green Shoe Studio 's contest , so he sent his lyrics in . He didn 't think it would amount to much . By his own admission , Stobaugh isn 't much of a singer . Plus Green Shoe was looking for submissions via email . And videos from YouTube . Stobaugh wasn 't exactly into either . So they brought him in , hired some professional musicians , a good lead singer and did all the bells and whistles to cut a record of Stobaugh 's beautiful song . Stobaugh said the song brings him some degree of comfort . According to Green Shoe Studio 's web site , he said : " The song really helps me . It really helps me . It just seemed like she 's just sort of with me . Which I know she 's smiling , she 's smiling down and she likes that song , I know . " Stobaugh was there to hear what Green Shoe Studio came up with for " Sweet Lorraine . " Here 's the video , but a warning : There is a MAJOR Kleenex alert here . You 'll need them . one year ago today . On each of the past 365 days I 've woken up in the morning , and the first thought that occurs to me is I am married to Jeff . Always , I smile at the thought , and suddenly have the courage to face the day , whatever it brings . Really , it 's just another marriage . People get married all the time . With the death of the odious Defense of Marriage Act , more gay couples like us are getting hitched , too . Marriage is as common as sun rays on a glorious summer morning . And as special as those rays . Yes , Jeff and I have just another marriage . But when you 're in it , like I am , the glow of those sun rays make me feel like I 'm walking on air , drinking in love , wanting to live with Jeff forever . And if I can help it , I will do just that . Last year , in this blog , on the day I married Jeff , I wrote that it was important to make a public statement , to essentially shout from the rooftops that this marriage is a Big Deal . That we had a responsibility to keep the love growing . If only because the world needs more good things . I embrace the sound of Jeff snoring softly after I get up early in the morning and he sleeps in a bit . The warm smells of the dinner he 's making that waft in from the kitchen . His arched eyebrow when I make another smart aleck remark . The way he gets excited like a little kid when he 's got a great idea for a show he 's designing , a design that the people putting on the play love . We 've settled into the routines of marriage . We get up , we make ourselves breakfast , one of us takes Jackson the Cocker Spaniel outside . In the evening , Jeff sits in his easy chair , Jackson draped on the head rest behind him . I rest on the couch , trying desperately , but failing to stop dropping crumbs on the floor as I finish eating dinner . It 's been a great year , even thought it came with a lot of challenges . One of our beloved dogs , Bailey , died in May . Together , we cried over Bailey 's death and our joined emotions helped get us through . Jeff had to travel a lot in the spring and early summer . It was a constant blur of planes , cars , unfamiliar beds , me feeling lonely at home . I don 't know if distance makes the heart grow fonder , but our bond was just as strong as ever when we were hundreds of miles apart . I don 't know what led us to find each other . I know the mechanics of it all , the initial whiff of interest in each other , the first date , the growing relationship , the deepening connection that led to our marriage . But why did our two lives intersect in the first place ? How did we get so lucky ? Maybe some readers are groaning at this flowery tribute to the relationship between Jeff and me . It 's just a marriage . And I guess this post is just a love letter to Jeff . I could have kept it all private . But to me , this marriage is too big to hide away in a little box , to be shared only between Jeff and me . We felt the wonderful support of all our family and friends as we got married on August 26 , 2012 . That set us off on exactly the right foot . We feel how happy everyone is for us . We feel how people think this marriage is so right . A refuge for Jeff and me , certainly . And maybe enough to make those we love smile a bit , too . What 's the harm in that ? Even if I do blab on and on about something that is " just a marriage . " On Gawker , we have news of a U . S . Homeland Security official who apparently would just love to start a race war and has a website to promote this idea . Does this probably soon to be ex Homeland Securityemployee want to start a race war ? I 'm not sure how a race war would enhance the nation 's security but maybe the Homeland Security employee , whose name is Ayo Kimathi , has some idea . In any event , I think Kimathi 's job at Homeland Security is just about done . I also hope there 's no other people in the agency like this guy . We 'd have to rename it Homeland Insecurity . Musician George Dennehy Today 's installment is George Dennehy , who was born without arms . He 's also got a taste for playing the guitar . No problem , though ! He just plays the instrument with his feet . And very , very well , and he seems to be launching a successful music career . Watch and see if you can do this : because the family refused to hate her because she 's gay . The first is a church in Tennessee who kicked an entire family out of the congregation . Why ? I 'm frankly surprised anybody still belongs to this church . Every family has a member who has done something to " violate " the rules of this church , I 'm sure . Heck , any random " impure " thought could get you kicked out . And I have to wonder what nasty stuff goes on in the paster 's mind ? Jensen said the owner of Cedar Fort Publishing , Lyle Mortimer went off on him : " The conversation really devolved quickly . . . . . . Lyle started yelling about my ' agenda ' and how I was trying to destroy families . He even started saying inappropiate things about how God had given me a penis for a reason . It was very uncomfortable . " What , God gave Jensen a penis so he could write a novel ? I 'm confused . I hope Jensen finds another publisher for his novel . Maybe a publisher which does what they 're supposed to do , like find good books to publish , and not worry about what the author does when he 's not writing . Amazing to watch them go straight down . It 's part of a large sinkhole that appeared more than a year ago , and the edges of it continue to collapse . One of those collapses explains these trees going away . The sinhole is now 25 acres in size , according to The Advocate in Louisiana . The edges of it could continue collapsing for years . Here 's the wild video : Makes you not want to take a canoe into a marsh or pond anymore . Did this ridiculous movie launch a bunchof imitators and can I join the bandwagon ? Why , I don 't know . It sure is beyond over the top , but still . A contender that 's getting some attention is something called " Squirrels . " Yes . Squirrels . Apparently in this movie , a gas company 's work is disrupting the environment . The squirrels get royally pissed off and start brutally attacking humans . This weird horror movie trend is giving me ideas . I could use some money , so maybe I could Kickstart some ideas for a sort of Vermont based horror movie . Anybody in ? I promise not to create Mac Parker style fiasco . " Mount Peculiar " An evil executive from a manufacturer of genetically altered seeds aims to make state lawmakers in Montpelier do their bidding by giving the legislature " special " corn to much on during a Chamber of Commerce barbecue . The plan goes awry when the genetically altered corn turns the lawmakers in uber - liberal Vermont into right wing Tea Party types . A civil war results , the state is split in half and the Northeast Kingdom becomes the country of " Teaghanistan . " Some did the only logical stupidest possible thing . They called 911 to help . As most of us know and Fairfield Police Department had to remind people , 911 is for life threatening emergencies . " NOTICE : We are receiving numerous 911 calls regarding the Cablevision outage . This is neither an emergency or a police related concern . Please direct your inquiries to Cablevision . Misuse of the 911 system may result in an arrest . Besides , what were the 911 responders , police , and fire and rescue and whatnot supposed to do about the cable television problem ? I don 't think they have a magic wand that switches the cable back on when it hiccups . And really , you might feel like you 're having a heart attack for missing " Breaking Bad " but you 're not . Trust me . Even though I 'm not a doctor . You know the type . The idiot who spouts off to anyone , angrily about some ill - conceived complaint they have . And said complaint is based on extreme stupidity . They have no idea what they 're talking about . The combination makes these mean and dumb types the butt of everyone 's jokes . The neighborhood where this autistic kid hangs out is indeed up in arms , but not over the 13 year old boy , named Max . The residents are fine with Max . They are , predictably and admirably , not fine with the letter writer . Somebody will figure out that person 's identity , I 'm sure . And the moronic troll can suffer the consequences of worldwide derision , thereby making his or her life more miserable than it already is . Which is precisely the only thing trolls are good at . There are a few mysteries in this story . Exactly what did he hit with his car , and why was he foaming at the mouth ? There 's no evidence our buddy had rabies or anything . In any event , this is a cautionary tale for you partiers out there . It 's a bad idea to smash up your car and then speed down the highway at a zillion miles per hour . Just sayin ' . Needless to say , there are flaws in this theory . Yes , there 's the EWWWW ! ! ! ! factor , and frankly , that 's a biggie for me . Even if tapeworms really were a good weight loss method , I 'd rather just stay fat . But for those who want scientific facts , I have those , too . Tapeworms mainly ingest needed vitamins , especially B12 not the calories so much . So you just get unhealthy , not necessarily skinny . But unfortunately , the tapeworm trend is hot , hot , hot . Women in Shanghai are reportedly snapping them up to get their svelte figure back . I don 't know if being sick is that attractive , but what do I know about fashion and looks ? This is one trend I won 't follow . Yeah , I could stand to lose a little weight . But maybe I 'll just do the tried and true method . You know , eat healthier food , maybe exercise a little . more . When the robbers duly returned after an hour , the restaurant was indeed less busy than it was before . The robbers demanded food and $ 100 . The restaurant owner , Mohammed Muhki , feigning forgetfulness , said he 'd comply but he had to go get his wife 's checkbook to give the robbers their money . Of course not ! Muhki , " searching for the check book " called the cops , who were waiting nearby . They made the arrest . Which will give time for the robbers to think through their next crime . In any event , it does look like fun , even though I 'd opt for something more sedate to help me survive a summer day . Maybe something like a lounge chair and a margarita . Fewer injuries that way . An editor arriving for an evening shift thought it odd there was a man sitting inside Lefebvre 's car . She mentioned it to Lefebvre , who was working in the newspaper office . He looked out the window to see the man drive his car away . Sort of . The CRV has a stick shift , and the guy had trouble managing that . Lefebvre , in fact was almost able to catch up to the car and the thief on foot , but not quite . So staffers called the police and posted a note about the theft on the Chronicle 's Facebook page . A few hours later , people who had seen the Facebook post saw the CRX in the nearby village of Orleans . Lefebvre called the cops , who went to Orleans pronto and found the suspected car thief emerging from the restroom of a Texaco station . The alleged thief was promptly arrested . The house in Colorado with a handicap access rampin this image from KKTV . Neighbors object to the ramp , saying it brings down property values . The couple got approvals from the city and built a handicap access ramp to their front door , and widened their driveway a bit to make room for the van that provides transportation for their teenage daughter . The ramp looks fine . It even has a nice little flower garden in front of it . The ramp complies with all city rules and building codes , so this is not news , right ? Enter the Giesegh 's neighbors , who let 's just say I 'm glad do not live anywhere near me . The Gieseghs say the neighbors have threatened them with a lawsuit , saying the handicap ramp will bring down their property values , according to television station KKTV . I 'm not sure how the neighbors think their threats will work . How will the ramp bring down neighborhood property values ? Judging from the pictures , it 's well constructed , not obtrusive , and the Giesegh home looks tidy and well maintained . Sergio Branco in this image fromThe New Jersey Star Ledger . Insurancesnafus almost killed him . According to the New Jersey Star Ledger , Sergio Branco came down with leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant . They found a good match for him , but it 's an expensive treatment , costing maybe $ 500 , 000 . For that mistake , the former employer and Paychex , a third party benefits administrator basically imposed the death penalty on Branco . They would not cover the transplant , according to the Star Ledger . You 'd think the matter would be handled simply . Paychex , or whoever is running the show could have contacted the Brancos and said , " Hey Dufus ! You forgot the 26 cents . Pay up now . " If they wanted to be mean , they could have imposed some sort of $ 10 stupid charge on the Brancos or something . I have no proof and I could well be wrong . ( Please set me straight if I am missing some information here ) , but here 's what my conspiracy - addled mind thinks what happened . And to be fair , some of the parties might be innocent . Paychex might be under orders from an insurance carrier . Branco 's former employer might have their hands tied by an insurance company . Or the employer might have mucked things up with the insurer . And somebody would have had to pay for Branco 's transplant . Maybe his former employer , or some insurance company thought the price was too steep , that it would cut into profits . Maybe piss off a shareholder or two . This seems to happen a lot . Often , the cases get media attention . Bad PR is even more expensive than high medical bills , or whatever , so once the journalists start to poke around , things get " resolved . " Christina Bianco does some awesome impressionsin a rendition of " Total Eclipse Of The Heart . " The over the top , over produced , over sung and overly dramatic but still oddly great song by Bonnie Tyler was a huge hit . And it has been parodied and spoofed ever since . The song is made incredibly entertaining as Bianco sings the song in the voices of 19 famous divas . My favorites in her repertoire are Edith Piaf and Christina Aguilera , but all of them are awesome . A Tennessee judge was not happy whenthis cute little boy 's mom named him " Messiah . " This turn of events came about because a Tennessee family court judge ruled that the name Messiah is already taken by God and so she ordered the parents to rename the tyke , according to television station WBIR in Knoxville . The parents of what was little Messiah were in court because they split up and couldn 't agree on what last name the kid should have . " The word Messiah is a title and it 's a title that has only been earned by one person and that one person is Jesus Christ , " Ballew said , according to an account by WBIR . I 'm going to defy Judge Ballew here and keep calling the kid Messiah in this post . Here 's why : Messiah 's mom says she 's going to appeal the judge 's ruling . The judge said she changed Messiah 's name because he 's in a region with a lot of Christians and the name would ruffle their feathers . But is that really the judge 's problem ? And is naming a kid Messiah actually honoring God ? I don 't know Mom 's motivation in naming the kid , but that could be one . What about people named Jesus ? There are a TON of regular people , many of them Hispanics , with the first name Jesus . Should they change their names ? And should we change the names of kids who just have weird first names , because those monikers might bother people ? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their new bundle of joy North West . ( Will their next kid be the sibling 's polar opposite , South East ? ) From South Carolina this week , we get news that a man was arrested for rubbing buttered toast on the windshield of his neighbor 's car . This man is accused of smearing buttered toaston a windshield but nobody is telling us why The frustrating thing about this report is , there 's no context . You told us about the guy with the toast , but you didn 't tell us why . Isn 't that the most important part of the story ? I have to admit as a kid I couldn 't STAND Eydie Gorme and her husband and singing partner Steve Lawrence . So lovey dovey . So cheesy . So many teeth in those smile . The late , great Eydie Gorme Of course my negative opinion of Gorme and Lawrence was unfair . What 's wrong with love ? And if they were so happy and in love with each other and their lives , why should I complain ? One has to remember to not get all cynical and eye - rolling with sedate contentment . And Gorme was a talented singer . Steve and Eydie were together for 55 years . Steve Lawrence released this touching and sad statement about his wife 's death . " We 're not downsizing . We 're rightsizing ! " Which means firing a bunch of people . That should make all the people who find themselves suddenly jobless totally happy . But trying to put a positive spin on something negative is just dishonest . Why would anyone want to buy a product or service from a company like that ? Perhaps that 's why they 're circling the drain in the first place . " The structural changes at AOL are possible because of the progress we have made as a team in the last 12 months . The majority of our sites have materially improved their customer experiences , our advertising business continues to get healthier and more innovative , our video position is strengthening everyday , or local footprint is quickly expanding , we are attraction some of the most talented people in the world to work at AOL , and our technology infrastructure is simpler and more robust . AOL is a global brand and a global opportunity and we are doing the hard work that will once again make the company an industry leader . " Just stay away from the corporate speak , please , so that our rolling eyes don 't end up rolling out our ears and onto the floor . It would make a mess . That one of your rightsized , er , downsized employees will have to clean up . him to a youth prison for his fun and profit . So it was particularly satisfying to read that a Pennsylvania judge , Mark Ciavarella , has been sentenced to 28 years in jail for sending teenagers to a youth prison on trumped up charged because he made money from keeping the youth prison full . According to the web site Rolling Out : " Ciavarella would sentence offenders with small offenses to months and , at times , yeas behind bars . He once sentenced a teen to trhee months in jail for creating a MySpace page that mocked her school 's assistant principal . Ciavarella also sentenced another teen for 90 days in jail for a simple schoolyard fight . " The photo in this post shows Kenzakoski 's mother confronting Ciavarella . The image is heartbreaking . At least to most people . I have a feeling though , that Ciavarella doesn 't give a whit if anybody was upset with his crimes . I 'll admit I 'm fascinated by Ciavarella in a morbid sort of way . He , a judge , would know more than just about everyone how devastating a criminal conviction could be for a teenager . It would follow them for the rest of their lives , affecting their ability to go to school , get a job , be successful . And we are all victims in this . The primary victim is of course the teenager falsely convicted by the ikes of Ciavarella . But his actions probably made it more likely his victims would need some sort of public assistance in the the future . That 's our tax money folks . All because or creepy , horrible judge Ciavarella wanted to get rich , and it it hurt somebody , so what ? I hope all the kids Ciavarella improperly sentenced are OK and doing well outside of prison . But a part of me hopes that a few of them re - offended , and are back in prison and will meet Ciaveralla , 63 , there . The crash happened when for some reason the bus was backing up on a highway and was hit by an oncoming semi truck . The truck driver was killed , and obviously pretty much everyone on the bus was injured . But they all survived . In the second video , a truck plunges off a highway overpass in Texas . Unfortunately , the driver died , but none of the other motorists on the highways were hurt . The truck narrowly missed some cars , but everybody was able to get out of the way . The Hallowich family . Even the kidshere are subject to a gag order aftera lawsuit . Can the lawyers do that ? Apparently , they can . Some landowners have sued gas companies over fracking , that practice of injected mass quantities of water and some chemicals to extract oil or gas from the shale or rocks way underground . The practice is controversial , as you have probably seen on the news . Those provisions are common in lawsuits , though I don 't like such gag orders . If there are problems related to fracking , or anything else for that matter , the public doesn 't know if there is a gag order , and the offenders can say to investigators that there are no reports of problem . No public reports , at least . So things get covered up . But that 's not my big concern here . According to several published reports the Hallowich 's kids , ages 7 and 10 , are also subject to the gag order . For the rest of their lives , they can 't talk about this at all . This opens up a new front in corporate secrecy , which to me is scary . It 's unclear what the forbidden words even are . The Post Gazette had to fight for the court transcript , which is normally a public record . And they didn 't get the settlement agreement , and I think those are supposed to be public , too . But during the settlement hearing , it was clear the lawyers wanted to shut the children up , according to the Post Gazette . One lawyer for a gas company said , " I guess our position is it does apply to the whole family . We would certainly enforce it . " Let 's hope so . I mean , what are you going to do ? Throw a 12 year old in jail or sue him for a million dollars for saying on a playground , " Friggin ' fracking ! " And what if these agreements become commonplace ? What if there is a whole host of things kids are barred from talking about ? I hope there is an appeal to this case . It needs to be made clear that we can 't impose legal contracts on kids without their consent . Really , this is almost child abuse , if you ask me . The sun glows through a day lily Day lillies compete with wildflowers at the edge of my property . A riot of color in front of my house . Posted by But please watch the G - rated video , below , of a guy named Andrew Henderson playing around with a soccer ball . ( OK , football if you want to get all British about it ) The guy is amazing . Maybe I should practice like Henderson and make this my new career ? Nah . I 'll do something else . But I 'll still marvel at Henderson . I 'm sure his wife is impressed . She probably even bought a new phone . I wouldn 't want to touch it after what Revere Weiner did .

Yep , the nation 's retailers , as they do every year , want you to buy all your Christmas stuff months before you need it . And if there 's stuff you need now , like sunscreen , barbecue supplies , too bad ! You should have thought to buy that in February , you moron ! The basic fact that they want our money is fine . They have to make a profit . But the business model I like is long gone . It used to be stores sold us quality stuff at a time of year we wanted it . We 'd get what we want , the stores would get our money and both the store and us were happy that everyone was happy . What they 're doing is training us to panic . We now know we can 't buy things we need when we need them , so we have to rush to buy them six months before they do us any good . They triggers our hoarding instincts . If we perceive things are going to be scarce when we need them , we panic and get more than what we need now . It 's hot and sunny outside in Vermont today . I need sunscreen . But I 'm out . Should have bought more in February . Thanks , nation 's retailers . Only you forgot if I die of skin cancer , I can 't buy any more of your useless goods . So maybe you won 't get rich off me any more . Well , then . Temper , temper . I can 't imagine U . S . Secretary of State John Kerry talking like that to say , the British foreign minister . Our Man in Malta is apparently not in Malta anymore . The U . S . government has recalled him and apologized for the undiplomatic diplomat . He has not been publicly identified . I 'd still love to find him to detemine whether he things the argument was worth it . It 's a lesson to our former Man in Malta . The cameras are everywhere , and there 's no sense in losing your temper . Overreacting just a wee bit , were we ? Now that it appears you 're losing your job with the U . S . diplomatic corp , you can maybe get a job on a cable news show . They behave like that all the time there . You 'll fit right in . Rim fire in California in this photo by Don Bartlettof the Los Angeles Times . It has already burned through more than 300 square miles of forest , and the fire rages on . It 'll take weeks to fully put out , we 're told . This guy says he retrieved a discarded sandwich fromthe trash at Starbucks . A firing offense ? Nope , he wasn 't sampling all the coffees or anything like that . Store employees had thrown out some wrapped sandwiches which had passed their sell - by date . But that was stealing , according to The Slog , and Loptmann was fired . Yes , yes , I suppose Starbucks was looking for an excuse to Loptmann and just picked the stupidest one . But he says he wasn 't on the boss 's shit list until this happened . 3 . Starbucks didn 't want the negative publicity about low wages and low hours , so they fired this guy to shut all the employees up who were tempted to do something like this because they have no money . If this is the case , the plan backfired . 4 . Starbucks doesn 't want employees getting sick on discarded food , as a spokesman for the company said . But Loptmann said nobody mentioned his health . They just yelled at him for stealing . 6 . Whoever is in charge of the rules wants to demonstrate that even if you 're poor or broke , you have no business taking something for free . Even if nobody wants that item . He misses her terribly , and one day , lonely , he sat down and wrote the lyrics of a love song to her . It 's called " Oh Sweet Lorraine . " Trust me , it 's a beautiful song . Stoubaugh came across an ad for Green Shoe Studio 's contest , so he sent his lyrics in . He didn 't think it would amount to much . By his own admission , Stobaugh isn 't much of a singer . Plus Green Shoe was looking for submissions via email . And videos from YouTube . Stobaugh wasn 't exactly into either . So they brought him in , hired some professional musicians , a good lead singer and did all the bells and whistles to cut a record of Stobaugh 's beautiful song . Stobaugh said the song brings him some degree of comfort . According to Green Shoe Studio 's web site , he said : " The song really helps me . It really helps me . It just seemed like she 's just sort of with me . Which I know she 's smiling , she 's smiling down and she likes that song , I know . " Stobaugh was there to hear what Green Shoe Studio came up with for " Sweet Lorraine . " Here 's the video , but a warning : There is a MAJOR Kleenex alert here . You 'll need them . one year ago today . On each of the past 365 days I 've woken up in the morning , and the first thought that occurs to me is I am married to Jeff . Always , I smile at the thought , and suddenly have the courage to face the day , whatever it brings . Really , it 's just another marriage . People get married all the time . With the death of the odious Defense of Marriage Act , more gay couples like us are getting hitched , too . Marriage is as common as sun rays on a glorious summer morning . And as special as those rays . Yes , Jeff and I have just another marriage . But when you 're in it , like I am , the glow of those sun rays make me feel like I 'm walking on air , drinking in love , wanting to live with Jeff forever . And if I can help it , I will do just that . Last year , in this blog , on the day I married Jeff , I wrote that it was important to make a public statement , to essentially shout from the rooftops that this marriage is a Big Deal . That we had a responsibility to keep the love growing . If only because the world needs more good things . I embrace the sound of Jeff snoring softly after I get up early in the morning and he sleeps in a bit . The warm smells of the dinner he 's making that waft in from the kitchen . His arched eyebrow when I make another smart aleck remark . The way he gets excited like a little kid when he 's got a great idea for a show he 's designing , a design that the people putting on the play love . We 've settled into the routines of marriage . We get up , we make ourselves breakfast , one of us takes Jackson the Cocker Spaniel outside . In the evening , Jeff sits in his easy chair , Jackson draped on the head rest behind him . I rest on the couch , trying desperately , but failing to stop dropping crumbs on the floor as I finish eating dinner . It 's been a great year , even thought it came with a lot of challenges . One of our beloved dogs , Bailey , died in May . Together , we cried over Bailey 's death and our joined emotions helped get us through . Jeff had to travel a lot in the spring and early summer . It was a constant blur of planes , cars , unfamiliar beds , me feeling lonely at home . I don 't know if distance makes the heart grow fonder , but our bond was just as strong as ever when we were hundreds of miles apart . I don 't know what led us to find each other . I know the mechanics of it all , the initial whiff of interest in each other , the first date , the growing relationship , the deepening connection that led to our marriage . But why did our two lives intersect in the first place ? How did we get so lucky ? Maybe some readers are groaning at this flowery tribute to the relationship between Jeff and me . It 's just a marriage . And I guess this post is just a love letter to Jeff . I could have kept it all private . But to me , this marriage is too big to hide away in a little box , to be shared only between Jeff and me . We felt the wonderful support of all our family and friends as we got married on August 26 , 2012 . That set us off on exactly the right foot . We feel how happy everyone is for us . We feel how people think this marriage is so right . A refuge for Jeff and me , certainly . And maybe enough to make those we love smile a bit , too . What 's the harm in that ? Even if I do blab on and on about something that is " just a marriage . " On Gawker , we have news of a U . S . Homeland Security official who apparently would just love to start a race war and has a website to promote this idea . Does this probably soon to be ex Homeland Securityemployee want to start a race war ? I 'm not sure how a race war would enhance the nation 's security but maybe the Homeland Security employee , whose name is Ayo Kimathi , has some idea . In any event , I think Kimathi 's job at Homeland Security is just about done . I also hope there 's no other people in the agency like this guy . We 'd have to rename it Homeland Insecurity . Musician George Dennehy Today 's installment is George Dennehy , who was born without arms . He 's also got a taste for playing the guitar . No problem , though ! He just plays the instrument with his feet . And very , very well , and he seems to be launching a successful music career . Watch and see if you can do this : because the family refused to hate her because she 's gay . The first is a church in Tennessee who kicked an entire family out of the congregation . Why ? I 'm frankly surprised anybody still belongs to this church . Every family has a member who has done something to " violate " the rules of this church , I 'm sure . Heck , any random " impure " thought could get you kicked out . And I have to wonder what nasty stuff goes on in the paster 's mind ? Jensen said the owner of Cedar Fort Publishing , Lyle Mortimer went off on him : " The conversation really devolved quickly . . . . . . Lyle started yelling about my ' agenda ' and how I was trying to destroy families . He even started saying inappropiate things about how God had given me a penis for a reason . It was very uncomfortable . " What , God gave Jensen a penis so he could write a novel ? I 'm confused . I hope Jensen finds another publisher for his novel . Maybe a publisher which does what they 're supposed to do , like find good books to publish , and not worry about what the author does when he 's not writing . Amazing to watch them go straight down . It 's part of a large sinkhole that appeared more than a year ago , and the edges of it continue to collapse . One of those collapses explains these trees going away . The sinhole is now 25 acres in size , according to The Advocate in Louisiana . The edges of it could continue collapsing for years . Here 's the wild video : Makes you not want to take a canoe into a marsh or pond anymore . Did this ridiculous movie launch a bunchof imitators and can I join the bandwagon ? Why , I don 't know . It sure is beyond over the top , but still . A contender that 's getting some attention is something called " Squirrels . " Yes . Squirrels . Apparently in this movie , a gas company 's work is disrupting the environment . The squirrels get royally pissed off and start brutally attacking humans . This weird horror movie trend is giving me ideas . I could use some money , so maybe I could Kickstart some ideas for a sort of Vermont based horror movie . Anybody in ? I promise not to create Mac Parker style fiasco . " Mount Peculiar " An evil executive from a manufacturer of genetically altered seeds aims to make state lawmakers in Montpelier do their bidding by giving the legislature " special " corn to much on during a Chamber of Commerce barbecue . The plan goes awry when the genetically altered corn turns the lawmakers in uber - liberal Vermont into right wing Tea Party types . A civil war results , the state is split in half and the Northeast Kingdom becomes the country of " Teaghanistan . " Some did the only logical stupidest possible thing . They called 911 to help . As most of us know and Fairfield Police Department had to remind people , 911 is for life threatening emergencies . " NOTICE : We are receiving numerous 911 calls regarding the Cablevision outage . This is neither an emergency or a police related concern . Please direct your inquiries to Cablevision . Misuse of the 911 system may result in an arrest . Besides , what were the 911 responders , police , and fire and rescue and whatnot supposed to do about the cable television problem ? I don 't think they have a magic wand that switches the cable back on when it hiccups . And really , you might feel like you 're having a heart attack for missing " Breaking Bad " but you 're not . Trust me . Even though I 'm not a doctor . You know the type . The idiot who spouts off to anyone , angrily about some ill - conceived complaint they have . And said complaint is based on extreme stupidity . They have no idea what they 're talking about . The combination makes these mean and dumb types the butt of everyone 's jokes . The neighborhood where this autistic kid hangs out is indeed up in arms , but not over the 13 year old boy , named Max . The residents are fine with Max . They are , predictably and admirably , not fine with the letter writer . Somebody will figure out that person 's identity , I 'm sure . And the moronic troll can suffer the consequences of worldwide derision , thereby making his or her life more miserable than it already is . Which is precisely the only thing trolls are good at . There are a few mysteries in this story . Exactly what did he hit with his car , and why was he foaming at the mouth ? There 's no evidence our buddy had rabies or anything . In any event , this is a cautionary tale for you partiers out there . It 's a bad idea to smash up your car and then speed down the highway at a zillion miles per hour . Just sayin ' . Needless to say , there are flaws in this theory . Yes , there 's the EWWWW ! ! ! ! factor , and frankly , that 's a biggie for me . Even if tapeworms really were a good weight loss method , I 'd rather just stay fat . But for those who want scientific facts , I have those , too . Tapeworms mainly ingest needed vitamins , especially B12 not the calories so much . So you just get unhealthy , not necessarily skinny . But unfortunately , the tapeworm trend is hot , hot , hot . Women in Shanghai are reportedly snapping them up to get their svelte figure back . I don 't know if being sick is that attractive , but what do I know about fashion and looks ? This is one trend I won 't follow . Yeah , I could stand to lose a little weight . But maybe I 'll just do the tried and true method . You know , eat healthier food , maybe exercise a little . more . When the robbers duly returned after an hour , the restaurant was indeed less busy than it was before . The robbers demanded food and $ 100 . The restaurant owner , Mohammed Muhki , feigning forgetfulness , said he 'd comply but he had to go get his wife 's checkbook to give the robbers their money . Of course not ! Muhki , " searching for the check book " called the cops , who were waiting nearby . They made the arrest . Which will give time for the robbers to think through their next crime . In any event , it does look like fun , even though I 'd opt for something more sedate to help me survive a summer day . Maybe something like a lounge chair and a margarita . Fewer injuries that way . An editor arriving for an evening shift thought it odd there was a man sitting inside Lefebvre 's car . She mentioned it to Lefebvre , who was working in the newspaper office . He looked out the window to see the man drive his car away . Sort of . The CRV has a stick shift , and the guy had trouble managing that . Lefebvre , in fact was almost able to catch up to the car and the thief on foot , but not quite . So staffers called the police and posted a note about the theft on the Chronicle 's Facebook page . A few hours later , people who had seen the Facebook post saw the CRX in the nearby village of Orleans . Lefebvre called the cops , who went to Orleans pronto and found the suspected car thief emerging from the restroom of a Texaco station . The alleged thief was promptly arrested . The house in Colorado with a handicap access rampin this image from KKTV . Neighbors object to the ramp , saying it brings down property values . The couple got approvals from the city and built a handicap access ramp to their front door , and widened their driveway a bit to make room for the van that provides transportation for their teenage daughter . The ramp looks fine . It even has a nice little flower garden in front of it . The ramp complies with all city rules and building codes , so this is not news , right ? Enter the Giesegh 's neighbors , who let 's just say I 'm glad do not live anywhere near me . The Gieseghs say the neighbors have threatened them with a lawsuit , saying the handicap ramp will bring down their property values , according to television station KKTV . I 'm not sure how the neighbors think their threats will work . How will the ramp bring down neighborhood property values ? Judging from the pictures , it 's well constructed , not obtrusive , and the Giesegh home looks tidy and well maintained . Sergio Branco in this image fromThe New Jersey Star Ledger . Insurancesnafus almost killed him . According to the New Jersey Star Ledger , Sergio Branco came down with leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant . They found a good match for him , but it 's an expensive treatment , costing maybe $ 500 , 000 . For that mistake , the former employer and Paychex , a third party benefits administrator basically imposed the death penalty on Branco . They would not cover the transplant , according to the Star Ledger . You 'd think the matter would be handled simply . Paychex , or whoever is running the show could have contacted the Brancos and said , " Hey Dufus ! You forgot the 26 cents . Pay up now . " If they wanted to be mean , they could have imposed some sort of $ 10 stupid charge on the Brancos or something . I have no proof and I could well be wrong . ( Please set me straight if I am missing some information here ) , but here 's what my conspiracy - addled mind thinks what happened . And to be fair , some of the parties might be innocent . Paychex might be under orders from an insurance carrier . Branco 's former employer might have their hands tied by an insurance company . Or the employer might have mucked things up with the insurer . And somebody would have had to pay for Branco 's transplant . Maybe his former employer , or some insurance company thought the price was too steep , that it would cut into profits . Maybe piss off a shareholder or two . This seems to happen a lot . Often , the cases get media attention . Bad PR is even more expensive than high medical bills , or whatever , so once the journalists start to poke around , things get " resolved . " Christina Bianco does some awesome impressionsin a rendition of " Total Eclipse Of The Heart . " The over the top , over produced , over sung and overly dramatic but still oddly great song by Bonnie Tyler was a huge hit . And it has been parodied and spoofed ever since . The song is made incredibly entertaining as Bianco sings the song in the voices of 19 famous divas . My favorites in her repertoire are Edith Piaf and Christina Aguilera , but all of them are awesome . A Tennessee judge was not happy whenthis cute little boy 's mom named him " Messiah . " This turn of events came about because a Tennessee family court judge ruled that the name Messiah is already taken by God and so she ordered the parents to rename the tyke , according to television station WBIR in Knoxville . The parents of what was little Messiah were in court because they split up and couldn 't agree on what last name the kid should have . " The word Messiah is a title and it 's a title that has only been earned by one person and that one person is Jesus Christ , " Ballew said , according to an account by WBIR . I 'm going to defy Judge Ballew here and keep calling the kid Messiah in this post . Here 's why : Messiah 's mom says she 's going to appeal the judge 's ruling . The judge said she changed Messiah 's name because he 's in a region with a lot of Christians and the name would ruffle their feathers . But is that really the judge 's problem ? And is naming a kid Messiah actually honoring God ? I don 't know Mom 's motivation in naming the kid , but that could be one . What about people named Jesus ? There are a TON of regular people , many of them Hispanics , with the first name Jesus . Should they change their names ? And should we change the names of kids who just have weird first names , because those monikers might bother people ? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their new bundle of joy North West . ( Will their next kid be the sibling 's polar opposite , South East ? ) From South Carolina this week , we get news that a man was arrested for rubbing buttered toast on the windshield of his neighbor 's car . This man is accused of smearing buttered toaston a windshield but nobody is telling us why The frustrating thing about this report is , there 's no context . You told us about the guy with the toast , but you didn 't tell us why . Isn 't that the most important part of the story ? I have to admit as a kid I couldn 't STAND Eydie Gorme and her husband and singing partner Steve Lawrence . So lovey dovey . So cheesy . So many teeth in those smile . The late , great Eydie Gorme Of course my negative opinion of Gorme and Lawrence was unfair . What 's wrong with love ? And if they were so happy and in love with each other and their lives , why should I complain ? One has to remember to not get all cynical and eye - rolling with sedate contentment . And Gorme was a talented singer . Steve and Eydie were together for 55 years . Steve Lawrence released this touching and sad statement about his wife 's death . " We 're not downsizing . We 're rightsizing ! " Which means firing a bunch of people . That should make all the people who find themselves suddenly jobless totally happy . But trying to put a positive spin on something negative is just dishonest . Why would anyone want to buy a product or service from a company like that ? Perhaps that 's why they 're circling the drain in the first place . " The structural changes at AOL are possible because of the progress we have made as a team in the last 12 months . The majority of our sites have materially improved their customer experiences , our advertising business continues to get healthier and more innovative , our video position is strengthening everyday , or local footprint is quickly expanding , we are attraction some of the most talented people in the world to work at AOL , and our technology infrastructure is simpler and more robust . AOL is a global brand and a global opportunity and we are doing the hard work that will once again make the company an industry leader . " Just stay away from the corporate speak , please , so that our rolling eyes don 't end up rolling out our ears and onto the floor . It would make a mess . That one of your rightsized , er , downsized employees will have to clean up . him to a youth prison for his fun and profit . So it was particularly satisfying to read that a Pennsylvania judge , Mark Ciavarella , has been sentenced to 28 years in jail for sending teenagers to a youth prison on trumped up charged because he made money from keeping the youth prison full . According to the web site Rolling Out : " Ciavarella would sentence offenders with small offenses to months and , at times , yeas behind bars . He once sentenced a teen to trhee months in jail for creating a MySpace page that mocked her school 's assistant principal . Ciavarella also sentenced another teen for 90 days in jail for a simple schoolyard fight . " The photo in this post shows Kenzakoski 's mother confronting Ciavarella . The image is heartbreaking . At least to most people . I have a feeling though , that Ciavarella doesn 't give a whit if anybody was upset with his crimes . I 'll admit I 'm fascinated by Ciavarella in a morbid sort of way . He , a judge , would know more than just about everyone how devastating a criminal conviction could be for a teenager . It would follow them for the rest of their lives , affecting their ability to go to school , get a job , be successful . And we are all victims in this . The primary victim is of course the teenager falsely convicted by the ikes of Ciavarella . But his actions probably made it more likely his victims would need some sort of public assistance in the the future . That 's our tax money folks . All because or creepy , horrible judge Ciavarella wanted to get rich , and it it hurt somebody , so what ? I hope all the kids Ciavarella improperly sentenced are OK and doing well outside of prison . But a part of me hopes that a few of them re - offended , and are back in prison and will meet Ciaveralla , 63 , there . The crash happened when for some reason the bus was backing up on a highway and was hit by an oncoming semi truck . The truck driver was killed , and obviously pretty much everyone on the bus was injured . But they all survived . In the second video , a truck plunges off a highway overpass in Texas . Unfortunately , the driver died , but none of the other motorists on the highways were hurt . The truck narrowly missed some cars , but everybody was able to get out of the way . The Hallowich family . Even the kidshere are subject to a gag order aftera lawsuit . Can the lawyers do that ? Apparently , they can . Some landowners have sued gas companies over fracking , that practice of injected mass quantities of water and some chemicals to extract oil or gas from the shale or rocks way underground . The practice is controversial , as you have probably seen on the news . Those provisions are common in lawsuits , though I don 't like such gag orders . If there are problems related to fracking , or anything else for that matter , the public doesn 't know if there is a gag order , and the offenders can say to investigators that there are no reports of problem . No public reports , at least . So things get covered up . But that 's not my big concern here . According to several published reports the Hallowich 's kids , ages 7 and 10 , are also subject to the gag order . For the rest of their lives , they can 't talk about this at all . This opens up a new front in corporate secrecy , which to me is scary . It 's unclear what the forbidden words even are . The Post Gazette had to fight for the court transcript , which is normally a public record . And they didn 't get the settlement agreement , and I think those are supposed to be public , too . But during the settlement hearing , it was clear the lawyers wanted to shut the children up , according to the Post Gazette . One lawyer for a gas company said , " I guess our position is it does apply to the whole family . We would certainly enforce it . " Let 's hope so . I mean , what are you going to do ? Throw a 12 year old in jail or sue him for a million dollars for saying on a playground , " Friggin ' fracking ! " And what if these agreements become commonplace ? What if there is a whole host of things kids are barred from talking about ? I hope there is an appeal to this case . It needs to be made clear that we can 't impose legal contracts on kids without their consent . Really , this is almost child abuse , if you ask me . The sun glows through a day lily Day lillies compete with wildflowers at the edge of my property . A riot of color in front of my house . Posted by But please watch the G - rated video , below , of a guy named Andrew Henderson playing around with a soccer ball . ( OK , football if you want to get all British about it ) The guy is amazing . Maybe I should practice like Henderson and make this my new career ? Nah . I 'll do something else . But I 'll still marvel at Henderson . I 'm sure his wife is impressed . She probably even bought a new phone . I wouldn 't want to touch it after what Revere Weiner did .

I 'm in the perfect mood to celebrate the Sabbath day alhamdulillah . I 'm sitting at my desk giggling and entirely not in the mood for walk . You have days when you are bogged down and days when you just can 't be bothered . You have days when you put your nose to the grindstone , meet the resistance head on and just get it done and you have day like today . The sun is hiding behind clouds , my fingers are cold , and its quiet in here except for the tapping of fingers at keyboards - but I feel lyrical and silly and upbeat . There are days when you hate what you are doing , when you have just had enough , when you long to find something you love and do work that nourishes your soul . There are days like today when I feel peaceful with what I do and feel like I am on the brink of discovery . Then I got to thinking , if Allah ( SWT ) gives me old age , when I look back what would I like to see ? Me and the better half sitting with our numerous grandchildren at our feet and out children at our shoulders . Love and laughter , gratefulness and ibadah ( worship ) and kindness . Feeding them home - cooked food , passing on my mothers stories , teaching them my faith and learning from them . Playing with them , annoying the heck out of them , giving my silk shawls and colourful jewellery to the little ones to play with . I know why Allah ( SWT ) put me here . To worship him and to spread his word as a da ' ee , but I wonder what the medium for this should be . I know I want to help my sisters and to serve my community . I am trying to be patient , because I know my beloved Rabb ( SWT ) will make this clear to me . So now I need to escape , all I want to do right now is walk and daydream and discover ( and get a bit warmer and a bit less hungrier ) . Posted by Against all expectations my tomatoes are turning red ( dish ) . Mostly every year they turn green and then the plant dies or the slugs eat them . My mum didn 't expect them to turn red either so reserved all of the green ones in advance to freeze and use in her delicious veg curries . Looks like I 'll have enough for the next few meals ( we use toms in everything ) . The green ones in the basket have fallen off the vine ( themselves according to the kids ) so they will go to mum With its somewhat dramatic cover , I was drawn to this book immediately when I saw it . Donna Gherke - White has interviewed Muslim women from all over America to get to the core of what it is to be a Muslim woman in America today . Her interviews include professionals , stay - at - home mums and students . She has recorded her conversations with immigrants , refugees and American - born women , with born - Muslims , reverts and even people who felt they had to leave the faith . If nothing else her range of interviewees could at least be called diverse . I loved that this book gave women the chance to express themselves , often in their own words . Gherke - White is sympathetic and respectful and makes a real effort in this book to understand the answers to the questions she raises . I also enjoyed reading about my sisters across the pond - their lives , their struggles and how they have fought for better lives for theirselves and their children without compromising their faith . The book gave me a real insight into some of the differences between Muslim communities in America and here in the UK . The real can - do attitude the American sisters have adopted and the way they have really thrown themselves into public life , activism and charity work , much more so than here . The way they have integrated so fully into American life and see themselves first and foremost as American and have a sense of real loyalty to their country , again something that is not as strong here where many Muslims have divided loyalty between Britain and their country of origin . The way the mosque has become a community meeting place for Muslims in America and the level of participation of Muslim women . A few attempts have been made to raise the issue of equal access for women to mosques here but nothing substantial and women do not often attend the mosque in many UK communities . Another thing that really got me , was I recognised one of the sisters in the book although I have never met her - and my respect for her has only grown . I would definitely recommend this book for aPosted by As hubby was away Saturday and Sunday and because it was Bank Holiday Monday we thought we would spend Sunday morning as a family out in the Essex Markets and the afternoon at my best friends . It was actually a very nice morning ( albeit early - we ; eft after fajr ) , I picked up a few books , plenty of craft supplies , some baskets for Ramadan gifts and some bits for my Eid party . I also found some really really useful things - some starfish , some glass shells , some colourful stones and a miniature knight in a box ( from a charity stall ) . Oh and I also managed to find a teapot for my mum to replace the one gorgeous damaged ( I already replaced it once after Little Lady broke it and it is a very hard to find range ) . It was a nice morning , until we managed to bump into another car that is , on the way home . We were coming over a bump on the motorway , when the car in front stopped suddenly and we had to bake . We ended up smacking into the back of it . Thankfully , the kids were in their car seats / boosters and were not hurt alhamdulillah - Gorgeous even slept through the whole thing . Some silly man 's car had broken down and he decided to stand at the side of the road with his kids and leave the car in the middle of the road while he waited for assistance , oncoming cars could not see as he was just over a hill . I hope he didn 't get anyone killed . The lady in the car in front ( I had no idea Mini Cooper 's were so strong ) panicked and pulled straight out and fled . Alhamdulillah , whenever something like this happens , I always think that Allah ( SWT ) in his infinite mercy sent us a small challenge to ward off a bigger one . Even after such a bad bump and the car being written off we were all fine alhamdulillah , apart from being a little shaky . I have been in a worse bump before and it hurt more . This time our little green Honda took the impact for us . It also reminded me of one thing I adore about my hubby and in - laws ( brother - in - law was with us ) . They didn 't get in a grump or angry , in fact they laughed all the way home at me for screaPosted by The better half was away this weekend with the brother - in - law so I decided to have someme - time and do some things I enjoy ( i . e . no cooking , no making chappati 's and no housework ) . So I let the kids stay up , we watched Robin Hood Prince of Theives ( the very bad but very enjoyable Kevin Costner version ) , ate gooey chocolate cake bars and I made some more cards . Earlier in the year I managed to drop my gem box and recently spent an evening with the kids sorting it out ( " Where does this one go ? What about this one ? What about this one ? This one ? " ) , so in honour of my me - time I cracked open the gem box and let rip . Posted by I was asked to translate for one of the Councillors over the phone this morning when a lady called up in deep distress . I usually put my name forward for Urdu , Hindi or Punjabi speaking constituents because I think of people like my mum and gran who had the same language barriers when they first came to this country . I spent a harrowing hour listening to this women 's account of marriage at 13 , coming to the UK as a teenager , two physically and mentally abusive marriages , losing custody of five children to her first husband because she could not defend herself against ( she claims ) her husbands untruthful allegations of child abuse and now threatened with the loss of her two children from her second marriage . She cried and ranted and whimpered through her tears about the suffering of her older children at her first husbands hands - the daughter married to an abusive husband and threatened with the loss of her children herself , the sons dealing in drugs , one son in prison . She spoke about her younger children being bullied in school and teachers not taking her seriously and viewing her as ignorant , the infidelity of her second husband , the allegations of sexual abuse against her children flung around by both parties ( in more detail than I asked for or wanted to know ) . It took my breath away when she spoke about going to school one day and being told by teachers that she couldn 't take her child home as Social Services would be taking them . I think I would die … I think I would have screamed the place down anyway . This lady says she just collapsed . Ya Rabb , to put your body and your soul through the trauma and bliss of pregnancy , childbirth and child rearing again and again and to have it all snatched in one go . It was unnerving to hear her pepper her conversation with the most horrendous Punjabi swear words ( if you really need to swear - do it in Punjabi , it 's enough to make you blush to your ankles ) . It was also unnerving that she did something one of my aunt 's lovely neighbours often does ( a trait I have seenPosted by This article has made me feel sick to my stomach . As a Muslim , it angers me that my faith is abused so , as a human being and woman it pains me that people still live like this and the rest of the world turns a blind eye . This is nothing but complete injustice . The way these women are treated reminds me of the time of Jahaliyah - it looks like some people have still not emerged from that time . I cannot see change coming any time soon for these women though . Pakistan has the same problem of treating rape victims as criminals under their Hudood Ordinance Laws . I know that the Quran says that " Allah does not change a people 's lot unless they change what is in their hearts " ( 13 : 11 ) , but Allah ( SWT ) is also just and his mercy and his love know no bounds . How do we allow this to carry on knowing these women are out sisters ? Thankfully there are good brothers and sisters out there that are struggling towards change , more non - Muslim than Muslim , although looking round , there still doesn 't seem to be that much focussed on helping women in prisons : Revolutionary Association of the Women of AfghanistanIslamic ReliefThe Afghan Women 's MissionMedica MondialeAfghan Independent Human Rights Commission Support Association for the Women of Afghanistan " And when the news of ( the birth of ) a female ( child ) is brought to any of them , his face becomes dark , and he is filled with inward grief ! He hides himself from the people because of the evil of that whereof he has been informed . Shall he keep her with dishonor or bury her in the earth ? Certainly , evil is their decision . " ~ Quran 16 : 58 - 59 " O You who believe ! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will , and you should not treat them with harshness , that you may take away part of the Mahr ( bridal - money given by the husband to his wife at time of marriage ) you have given them , unless they commit open illegal sexual intercourse . And live with them honorably . If you dislike them , it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good . " ~ Quran 4 : 1Posted by Al Aswany 's novel tells the interconnected stories of the tenants of the once - grand Yacoubian Building , now housing a motley mix of Cairo 's citizens : gentlemen who yearn for the " golden era " when Cairo was like Paris , corrupt politician ( what other kind are there ? ) , a gay newspaper editor , a student demoralised by corruption and drawn to religious fundamentalism , a young woman finding out that it 's a man 's world and the conniving and desperate poor . The characters and their lives reflect all of the different aspects of Egyptian life and society and deliver a damning verdict as to the state of Egypt today . Neither the government , the police and the politicians , nor the Imams ( both state - sponsored and fundamentalist types ) , the old - money , the new - rich , the intellectuals nor the poor come off very well in this novel . They say that one of the things that must exist in a novel is that the characters must arouse sympathy on the part of the reader in order to keep him / her interested . I did find that most of the characters were so corrupt in one way or another or often so self - deluding that I did not feel much for nay of them except a little contempt and occasionally pity . The exception to this is those people who come into the story from outside of Cairo : the politician 's second wife , the newspaper editor 's soldier lover and his wife - all of whom become hateful , angry and deceitful as they are drawn into the lives of the inhabitants of the Yacoubian building . I was surprised at how openly this book deals with the trials of the young woman who is forced to use her looks to her advantage to keep her job and also the sexuality of the newspaper editor . I have not read much Arab literature , but suspect that this is not the norm ( especially considering that this book was a mainstream hit in Arab countries ) . There was enough of a plot for me to want to continue reading , but this is a depressing portrayal of Egypt despite some kind of a happy ending for a few of the characters . I wouls be very curious what other readeUmm Salihah Ahmed I don 't often go for science fiction , but some of the best books have read ( e . g . John Wyndham 's The Chrysalids and Z for Zachariah by Robert C O ' Brien ) have been of this genre . I particularly like Post - Acopolypse type books - imagining what the world would be like after nuclear war . This book is a uniquely different take on this theme . The story begins in a world much like ours , but very far into the future . Governments have been replaced by corporations and humanity is mollycoddled and made complacent through ease of living and complete control of the minutiae of their lives by those that govern them ( Made me think of all the talk of " Nanny - State Britain " we hear . At the same time the planet they live on is becoming uninhabitable due to pollution and a new habitable " Blue Planet " has been found for the corporation to begin colonising . The explorers sent to lay claim to this planet also speak of other planets which have been rendered unable to support life - it is rumoured by humans in a previous age . The story is in three parts , the first detailing the journey to the Blue Planet , the second steps back into seventeenth century Easter Island creating a parallel situation on a smaller scale where the inhabitants of the island are destroying everything on the island in their thirst for power and the third part set in modern London post nuclear war . The book touches on big themes such as the destruction of the earth , the value of freedom , the willingness of people to live and behave mindlessly . But it also hones in on the personal when it philosophises about loneliness and love and asks what makes us unique as humans ? Winterson 's writing is often poignant and I read bits with my mouth open in an " oh " and feeling very sad but it is also quite funny at times , dealing with cosmetic surgery , robots , traffic wardens and our obsession with the way we look . Winterson 's writing is very poetic , describing new planets and ghosts planets , galaxies , nature and the effects of war in the most lyrical manner and this meanUmm Salihah Ahmed It 's nice to do something different and nature is good for the soul and for inspiration , so I thought I would go down to the nearby park with my colleague for lunch . She jogged like a maniac and I walked and wrote in my new journal and read some . Then I got pestered by some ballsy squirrels . I might make this a regular / daily routine - especially if it means I eat less and sit at my computer less and walk and read more . I have spent all of last week trying to work out whether or not I would be going to my cousin 's nikah ( marriage contract ceremony ) or not . Bride 's mum has had a tiff with my mum - in - law , mum - in - law refused to go to brides relatives wedding and then decided not to invite them to brother - in - laws wedding . My mum was cross because her daughter was being left out as they invited everyone but me and hubby . So I made my mum some gifts ( post below ) to take with her and asked her to send the bride and her family my love and say congratulations for me ( It feels great being on your high - horse ) . Didn 't last long , because mum threw a wobbly and they invited me . Hubby was annoyed as he had been ordered by mum - in - law not to go . I was enjoying being all self - righteous and so told hubby that whatever he decides I 'll go with it . In the end he spoke to the imam at his mosque who advised that it would be better to go and end the fighting and bad feeling and then talk his parents round . So off we went yesterday and had a lovely afternoon . It was our first wedding in the UK for almost thirty years , so no - one had a clue . So on seeing the brides mothers worried look , me and my sisters took over the kitchen and laid out the tables in the garden . It was great fun ! ! We got the kids busy hunting down chairs from all over the house ( they even dragged a load over from the neighbours ) , laid out the crockery and drinks and got mum and her sister to dish out the food . I got to play hostess ( had practice from brother - in - laws wedding ) - " drink , drink , you need drink ? Anyone need anything ? " - and managed to pour coke in someone 's rice . Little lady and my little cousin even cleared up the garden afterwards running around with black bags and a little dust - pan and brush . I was also on loo - duty and gran and little man kept me busy between them ( I counted seven trips in all ) . It was absolutely blissful to have the whole family together as this is so rare even though there are not that many of us here and there was lots of laugter and teasiPosted by Today is my cousin 's nikah insh ' Allah and alhtough we usually give money to the bride and groom , I thought it would be nice to make something for my mum to take along . Baskets of Indian sweets or mithai are a tradition in South Asia but costs about £ 30 here , so I thought I 'd have a go myself . I picked up two baskets from the £ - shop which only had one enormous size only and filled it with tissue - paper to make a nice base and also because it works out very expensive to try and fill a basket that big . I then arranged a tray of baklawa and two packs of Sohan halwa to fill up space . Some of the mithai can be quite soft and / or syrapy so I placed the peices in cake cases before arranging them in the basket . I filled a second basket with fruit ( I tried to use firmer fruit so that it lasted longer - I also added grapes on top after I took this picture ) . I placed some stars ( the type you stick on presents ) in the basket and got my sisters to help me wrap the whole thing in cellophane and tie a bow with ribbon that matched the tissue paper ( yelling at each other the whole time - " Duh ! ! why are you putting the cellotape there ? " ) . I finished off with a label to personalise . I hope they like them . Depending on which mosque you follow the night of Lailut - ul Bara ' ah is either Thursday or Friday night , so we are halfway through Shaban and approaching Ramadan . When we were little my parents used to get us to sit up and pray for as long as we could and mum and some of her neighbours always used to send food all of their friends and neighbours . One year we were in Pakistan during Lailut - ul Bara ' ah , where it is called Shab - e - bara ' ah or Shabrat and there were lights , candles and fireworks . As an adult I wasn 't too sure why we did this ( although Mum said that it was because this was the night that Allah ( SWT ) sent down the orders for births , deaths and livelihoods for the year ) . My husband always pointed out that he didn 't see why people didn 't bother to pray their fard ( obligatory ) prayers all year and then spent the whole of this night in worship - I always think something is better than nothing , but I see his point . So I decided to do some research and I was pleased to read about the benefits for those who fast during the day and pray during the night . Ummul Mu ' mineen ' Aishah ( RA ) , says , " Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) , would sometimes begin to fast continuously until we thought he would not stop fasting , and sometimes he used to stop fasting until we thought he would never fast . I never saw the Messenger of Allah ( PBUH ) fasting a complete month , except the month of Ramadan , and I have never seen him fasting in a month more frequently than he did in Sha ' ban . " It is narrated that Ummul - Mu ' mineen ' A ' ishah ( RA ) reported Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said " Surely Allah , the Possessor of Blessings , the Exalted , descends to the lowest heaven on the night of mid - Sha ' ban , and forgives more [ people ] than the hairs on the sheep of [ the tribe of ] Kalb . " [ Tirmidhi , Ahmad , Ibn Majah and others ] . Sunni Sister has a wonderful article in her archives called Sha ' ban & Ramadan Readiness with some interesting thoughts and reminders . Al - Balagh has an excellent in - depth page on the do 's and don ' ts of Shaban by Mufti Taqi Usmani . ArticlePosted by I forgot it was Pakistan Independence Day today until someone reminded me they were going to have a flag - raising outside the town hall I work in and sing the National Anthem . The Civic Ambassador who is Pakistani gave a horrendously bad speech , The Deputy Mayor reminded us , that we may be Pakistani , but really we were British , or British Pakistani at least and that we should be proud of our achievements in education and the way our youth were setting the business world alight - " literally sometimes " the lady next to me muttered . The South Indian Councillor wore a bottle green sari , the Indian and Pakistani councillors green salwar kameez , The Deputy Mayor wore a green check blazer and the Barbadian Councillor wore a green tie . As it 's the school holidays , there were lots of cute kids dressed in green . I wish I 'd remembered I 'd have made a spectacle of myself and worn my pea - green jilbab and scarf . The music played for the national anthem and no - one knew the words . Although I did notice that one of the English councillors ( Mrs Cockney pie - and - mash and net curtains ) did seem to be singing along ( a bit like footballers who pretend to sing along when their national anthem comes on at the start of a game ) . I couldn 't stop giggling and one of the Pakistani councillors gave me some very stern looks . In previous years I went to Green Street to celebrate as husband misses Pakistan and insisted . It was rowdy and anarchic to say the least and a gentleman dancing on top of a telephone box dropped his coke on me . At least it was in a coke bottle , but stunk suspiciously like something else . This year Green Street is being shut and traffic diverted , a relief for the poor bus drivers who last year spent up to an hour - and - a - half at a time negotiating this road which usually takes 10 - 15 minutes . Our local main road won 't be shut though , so I expect to be kept awake at 2am by the noise . My religious , sensible husband has had a stonking horn like the kind on Pakistani busses fitted to his van in preparation and I expect toPosted by A child 's education is always on a mother 's mind and it is something that has crossed my mind intermittently since before the birth of my first child . Of course we want the best for them and we are blessed to have so many options available to us . But how do we ensure we are making the right choice . When Little Lady was three we enrolled her in an Islamic nursery attached to a home - schooling group . The effect on her behaviour was almost immediate ( aside from flooding the nursery by opening all the taps on the first day ) . She was more polite and a lot calmer . She also spent every day pleading with us not to send her back ( she was probably way to young for school ) Eventually the nursery was inspected by OFSTED and closed , so after approx two months we withdrew her and six months later she started in her local nursery which she loved . She has just finished reception and is progressing well although she is still adamant that she dislikes school and would rather stay at home . Little Man is due to follow her there in September . This means that we have to work extra hard to make sure we instil a good tarbiyyah ( upbringing / manners ) within them . I have noticed she has picked up some naughty words and some cheeky ideas that we have to deal with . However her class is perhaps 60 % Muslim , the school serve halal lunches and her teacher has agreed to make sure that any gelatine sweets children bring in at birthdays etc are replaced with a vegetarian alternative . Her teacher is very big on being kind and being nice and respecting each other ( for example she discourages them from saying " Oh God " - which I said once and was told off by LL and told to say " Oh beans " instead ) . I understand this is rare , but I suppose it 's one of the benefits of living in cosmopolitan London . The issue however is environment : what Little Lady is picking up from her peers . In contrast , my cousin has attended the same home - schooling group mentioned above . The children pray salah together , learn Arabic and Quran and at the same time are studying an acPosted by I saw this idea on Um Nour 's blog Loving Allah and Raising my Kids a while back and thought it looked like great fun . So I got the kids to clear out all of the broken bits of crayon from their colouring pencil / crayon box and take the paper covers off ( I had to stop them from getting too carried away and breaking the whole ones ) . Being very anal , I got the kids to sort the bits of crayons into the cake cases by colour . We then stuck them into the oven at a medium heat ( to Little Man 's cries of " when can I eat them ! ? ! " ) . You have to keep an eye on them as they melt very quickly and I think we left them in too long as they turned very watery . I left them to cool and they turned hard . The colours are not as intense as ordinary crayons , but they were fun and easy to make and the children were very pleased with their creation . I sit here at my desk , feeling bored and spaced out , with that underlying edge of panic that comes back sometimes . Nervous energy trapped in a body that 's trapped at a desk . Things to do , always more to do and get done . I take a deep breath and stare at my hands , the band my beloved bought me on our first wedding anniversary , the one I chose in place of a diamond ring we couldn 't really afford . I decide to give myself the gift of a few moments . To sit still and feel and be . The hum of voices lowered to whisper secrets and raised in sharp giggles . The tap - tap - tap of hands at keyboards all around me . The hum of traffic further away . The bangle of smooth white glass on my wrist catching the light in brilliant arcs . The musky taste of chocolate on my tongue . Someone 's sweet but synthetic perfume invading my nose . I feel calmer and the world seems more intense . Back to work ! . . . If I sneak off back home to the babies you think anyone will notice ? Posted by One thing growing up that I was NOT was cool . I looked like a geek ( NHS specs , braces , frizzy hair pulled back into a long braid - should I mention the adolescent moush ? ) , I also helped matters along by being good at school , having no social life and being middle - aged at 14 . Of course things change , the discovery of wax strips , the late oestrogen surge , going to uni and making the most of my geekiness by turning it into exam marks and the one thing that is central to being cool - learning to live withyourself . I am not saying I am cool , but I certainly miss my status as Queen of the Geeks . When I look at my children I see the opposite . Little Lady is a princess in her class . She had the biggest bear at her school teddy - bear 's picnic ( this giant number that hubby picked up at a boot sale for £ 4 and had all of the kids chasing her round the field ) . She got picked up from school by her uncle on one of those noisy mini - bikes which increased her street - cred no end ( and had me livid ) . She turns up to school in her tiara every chance she gets despite bans and confiscations and sneaks lipstick into school to lines up all the girls at playtime and does their make - up . She comes home with strange hairstyles which she says she got one of the " big - girls " to do . Little Man is a geek , but a charming geek . He may wear check shirts with slacks , but he wears them with white high - tops and a white sport jacket . He already had his first leather biker jacket courtesy of my brother - in - law . He likes pretty girls and once asked me for one he saw on the telly ( oh dear ) and he always notices when I wear something nice . His best quality ? When he wants something , he will wheedle , harass , cajole and fight till he gets it , even if it is days later , ( much to my chagrin ) . Gorgeous is just like Little Lady - sure in the belief that the world revolves around him . Pretty and with a chunky body that will one day be like his granddad 's ( heavyset and without a neck - a true boxer ) . His answer to everything is a humungous cheesy grin thaPosted by Coming from a British South Asian background , the concept of beauty can often be confused and to my mind very limited . Beautiful is fair , beautiful is large eyes and small lips and long black hair . Anything else is flawed . Black cannot be beautiful , white is better . I 've looked over this whole issue with distant disapproval until it was brought home to me by my daughter . I asked her to wear a sun hat and she asked if it was to stop her getting dark like one of her African friends . I explained to her , that the little girl in question is beautiful , that Allah ( SWT ) made her that way because He thought she would be most beautiful with the skin and hair she has . It bothers me though that she is picking up these false pointers as to what constitutes beauty . It also affects Little Man . He has a Mediterranean colouring with skin that is dark gold , brown hair , a perfect nose and enormous lips . My Arab friend thinks he 's Arab and my Bangladeshi friends insist he is Bengali . When he was born , a kind relation branded him ugly . In the meantime , big lips have come into vogue with the likes of Angelina Jolie and Priyanka Chopra having them . This being the case , I find that the younger generation ( both here and Pakistan ) are more likely to find him beautiful , whereas the older generation compare him to Little Lady and feel that he falls short . Personally , I adore his golden colouring , but then I 'm his mum . I just hope he doesn 't pick up on this nonsense or that it affects his confidence or self - image . To be honest , there are some signs of improvement . Indian films are starting to user some darker - skinned actresses in contrast to previous years when leading ladies had to be painted white with heavy foundation . But the dominance of creams such as Fair and Lovely point to the fact that any headway is limited . Then there are my in - laws in Pakistan . They kept pointing to girls and saying " isn 't she beautiful " , I 'd have a good stare and realise many weren 't really beautiful , just very pale . I like to think of Heer , theUmm Salihah Ahmed I had a go at making some cards to put away for Eid - ul - Fitr . I hope to make enough to send to friends , family and relatives in Pakistan , plus a few for my mum to send out . I like some more than others and I was pleased I could use up some of the odds and ends that were taking up room . This last one is one of my favourites because I used up some rainbow paper I saved ages ago from a Boots photograph wallet ( the kind they give your photo 's back in ) . The embellishments include stickers and bindi 's . Walk - especially if I have had a bad day at work , I give the bus a miss and just start walking full speed , I let my thoughts work themselves out and let my mind go where it will . People probably think I look a bit odd scowling and smiling to myself , but I 'm too pre - occupied to notice . By about half - way home I am calmer , more philosophical in outlook and ready to catch the bus the rest of the way . Pray - I am a bit lazy with nawafil ( non - obligatory ) prayers , so it tends to be a last resort when in fact it should be our first port of call . But when nothing else helps , I make wudhu , get on that prayer mat and cry my eyes out and plead and cajole . Read / Watch Convert stories - converts / reverts are living proof to me of Allah ( SWT ) 's promise that after every difficulty there is ease . So often you read their stories and see that they go through so much and in the end things work out okay . There are great vide 's on youtube as well as heart - breaking stories on the net ( including here and here ) . Read - If I can find a book good enough to lose myself in , I can forget that the real world exists . Play with Gorgeous - mash ' Allah nothing gets him down , even when he is being told off , he 'll cackle back at you . I adore determined people who just won 't stop till they get what they want . Do something kind - get someone water , help my child with something , call my mum and ask her how she is , visit gran and sit with her . Go see my sisters - Long - suffering , Kooks and Fashionista are a great bunch , and when we are together , we forget all of our problems and laugh and joke and squabble like when we were kids . I always feel better afterwards . What helps you to lift your mood ? You recite slowly , taking the time to relax into each posture of the prayer . You try to keep Allah ( SWT ) as your focus throughout , sometimes losing focus , but always struggling to come back . You ignore the noise and chatter around you and try to fade out the distractions from the children . You slowly descend into Sujood ( prostration ) trying to ignore the little one poking his head under your nose and ……… WHACK ! ! ! ! You get head - butted by your curious baby and can see stars . There are tears in your eyes and as you lie flat on your back you reflect that you 'll have to start your salah all over again just when you were nearly finished . I 'm still nursing a bump on my brow the following day and it hurts . Gorgeous didn 't seem to feel a thing . Posted by I am so flawed ; my temper , my occasional bouts of stubbornness , my very loud ( immodest ) laugh , my love of all things beautiful and pleasurable ( especially food , sleep and all things shiny and pretty ) , my occasional swearing when I flip and my impatience . This awareness of my shortcomings gets me to thinking how I could possibly raise my children in the way that Allah ( SWT ) wants me to . All children are born perfect and pure , how do we ensure that we raise them without that good fitrah ( nature ) being destroyed . How can we ever do enough - especially when it seems that time runs away from us so fast . I am terrified that my children will internalise my flaws . The answer I suppose is to work to correct yourself . As Albert Schweitzer said : Adults teach children in three important ways : The first is by example , the second is by example , the third is by example . There are so many issues to consider : Islamic school or state school ? How do we get the balance right between academic excellence and the spiritual development of our children ? How do we protect them from unIslamic values promoted by mainstream media ? How do we give them the strength to rise above their peer groups and do what is right ? How do we teach and discipline them without destroying the beauty and pleasure there is in being a Muslim ? I 'm terrified of being found complacent and looking back and thinking I could have done so much better . But I have the feeling I am not the only one . So many sisters see their flaws and worry that they are doing it right . Perhaps therein lies an answer . That our concern , our worry and our anxiety about this indicates how much we care , how present these matters are in our thinking and how much they influence us . Someone once told me we get what we care and worry about . My grandparents generation came to the UK to earn money , it concerned them and they earned well but with many at the risk of losing their faith . My generation of parents now are making a conscious intention to improve their deen ( faith ) and care about their chiUmm Salihah Ahmed I find that Ramadan and Eid are so much more pleasant if you do a little planning beforehand . I can 't usually stick to all of the things I plan , but even if you get to do some of them it 's still rewarding . NowStart making Eid Cards - This post gives some hints about where to pick up materials . The Eid cards around up until now tend to be quite cheesy or very boring . I am starting to see handmade ones and cards with nice prints , but they are pricey . Start picking up Eid Gifts - I have a corner in my closet where I stick gifts that I pick up through the year on sale ( although my Pakistan trip means it looks a bit empty this year ) . It 's also early enough to look on Ebay . Better still , if you have a skill , you might want to make them yourself . Get your outfits for Eid day - the shops here put their prices up around Ramadan and nearer to Eid , not only is it hard to find anything decent , but the tailors are too busy to make you anything . Stockpile - Gift wrap and gift bags , decorations ( banners , balloons ) and anything else you find in the sales / boot sale / yardsale . I also hope to read more Islamic books to get me in the right frame of mind . I have Tariq Ramadan 's ' The Messenger : the Meanings of the Life of Muhammad ' and Asma Afsaruddin 's " The First Muslim 's - History and Memory " on my bedside table . Kooky Little Sister has also bought me a copy of " Sahih Bukhari " which is calling me . Aside from this as many seerah 's ( biographies of the beloved Prophet ( PBUH ) ) to help get in the spirit , I have a hankering after Martin Lings " Muhammad : His Life Based on the Earliest Sources " and might gift it to myself as a Ramadan present . 2 weeks to Ramadan Try to plan in a volunteer activity if possible - many cities have arrangements to provide meals for the homeless and needy , including Muslim organisations . Prepare any food you can freeze - my mum makes her samosa 's around now , I think I will give them a miss this year with my drive to be healthier this year . 1 week to Ramadan Make Ramadan Baskets - Fill a basket with a Posted by

Based on his sitter comment , I feel like Doggett worries about baby William a lot more than he usually lets on . Monica just wants to be close to Scully . So they 've each got their priorities in line . " Agent Doggett . " " Agent Scully . " What are these looks ? Is this the first time they 've seen each other since he lost his memory in Mexico ? She sounds like she 's welcoming him back . " And ? " " That was my question . " It 's a pretty common question , Scully , but please do carry on lowkey bonding with your old partner . " There 's justice to be served here . You can 't forget that . " " I 'm sure Agent Reyes won 't let me . Probably won 't let anybody . " You can 't do this job unless you have the kind of tenacity that annoys people as much as it impresses them . " Here you go , Dr . Scully . Everything you ever wanted to know about skinning people but were afraid to ask . " She went to med school for this . Doggett is at Monica 's place in the middle of the night making phone calls while she sleeps , and it 's definitely a regular thing for them , and his only comment when she wakes up gasping from a nightmare is , " Monica , what the hell are you dreaming about ? " Which I think is hilarious . Have happier dreams , Monica . Get it together . Scully is doing some really interesting things with names right now . When she first gets out of the car , she calls Monica " Agent Reyes . " As soon as she realizes that something is wrong , it 's , " You okay , Monica ? " Later , on the phone , she calls her Monica , but when Monica greets her with " Agent Scully , " Scully goes back to calling her Agent Reyes . She 's very deliberate with names and with meeting people wherever they want to be met , which is why when Mulder told her not to call him Fox , she accepted it without question . But because he also told her what he wanted her to call him , he gave Scully a way to always know where she stands , to always have this one thing about their relationship figured out . No matter what , he will always be Mulder . With Doggett and Reyes , there 's push and pull - sometimes first name , sometimes last name , sometimes Agent , sometimes not , like she 's always stepping toward and away from them just to make sure that she 's keeping the right boundaries . But Mulder is Mulder , all the time , which I think is why they say each other 's names like vows . There 's no stepping back from this . Monica and Doggett haven 't figured this out with each other any more than Scully 's figured it out with them , but they 're getting there . When Monica 's in trouble , it takes Doggett about two seconds to go from last name to first , because this is personal . Tell her how you feel , baby goat . " What matters here is that you saved a woman 's life . " Remember how much Doggett fought against this job 's definition of success , how much he wanted justice and facts ? He 's got it figured out now . The big questions rarely get answered , but it 's the individual lives that really matter . " He 's trying . We all are . " Scully wants Monica to understand where Doggett is coming from because she 's been there . She knows as well as anyone that doubt and disagreement can be signs of love . They have to keep each other honest . The real difference between Scully and Doggett - between Scully as she is now and Scully as she used to be - is just that she 's learned to be as critical of her own instincts as she always was of Mulder 's . She doesn 't have to believe right away , but she 's no longer afraid to believe if that 's what it comes down to . " Maybe in this life you succeed . " " I needed to talk to you about this in person . " Alien markings don 't have quite the same impact over the phone . Or during the day , or in a room that 's not candlelit , or without wine . ( Suggestions for next time . ) Scully tells Monica that she has no one else to say this to , and I break apart inside a little bit , because she should be saying it to Mulder . She 's putting all of her beliefs on the line , and he knows what that feels like . He should be here for this . " I was meant to find these . Somehow , these were meant for me . " Of course Scully takes this leap by making it personal . Even Mulder never saw their work like that . He was in it because of his sister , but the answers were for everyone . The truth just fell to him because he was the only one looking for it . Everything is more intimate for Scully , who spent years refusing to consider the implications of her own work , focusing only on the relationship right in front of her . Her only thought in Africa was to save her partner , and ever since , he 's been her only articulated mission . Now , faced with what could be the missing piece between religion and science - the two defining institutions in her life - the only answer she needs is the answer to her son . Their son . Hers and Mulder 's . For all of her strict science and rationalism , that 's the first way she saved him : she saw him as a whole person , and that made him one . It 's also how he saved her : he became someone who gave meaning to the vague ideas . Doggett 's after answers now . He doesn 't have to wrap his brain around a spacecraft in order to wrap his brain around the fact that he 's being lied to , and that won 't stand . He 's so excited when he shows up at Monica 's place at night with everything he stole from Skinner 's office . " What they 've been keeping a secret . What they won 't tell Scully . What they wouldn 't tell us . " " I know you 're worried about him , that there are things about him that you just can 't explain . " Scully finally told her mom about William . I 'm so proud . " But even if you were to get those answers , what would it change ? " That 's a question Scully 's asked of Mulder in the past , and it 's the way in which she 's most like him right now . She can 't know if the truth is worth the cost until she 's risked everything to find out what it is . " I 'm not sure even the FBI is aware of it . How could they be without access to your files ? " That 's what they get for keeping her in the dark . She 's got no reason to trust the FBI right now . They 've taken everything from her and buried it all - including Mulder . Now this guy 's telling her that her son has to die . What does that do ? Why can 't Scully have even one nice thing ? " I wouldn 't tell them anything . " Baby goat still has her back . That 's how Scully and Mulder always do it too ; they challenge each other when they 're alone but stand by each other when they 're called before the Bureau . If there were threats made on Mulder 's life , Scully should have been the first to know . Look how broken up she is at the suggestion that Mulder might be dead . Does Skinner really think there 's a good time to break that news ? This plan makes no sense . The Lone Gunmen are the only ones left Scully can trust , and only because Mulder trusts them . She 's always validating his life . His people are hers now . He didn 't even think he had people , but he did ; he just chose them with care . No . No one is allowed to hit Doggett with a car . The only thing John Doggett is allowed to do with a car is hang out the window while punching Krycek in the face . " You see a task force in there . I see a whitewash . " There may never be a more perfect summary of this show 's attitude toward the FBI . " You call it protection . I call it a systematic effort inside the FBI to eliminate us . " She and Mulder are still a package deal , it 's still them against the rest of the world , and she still doesn 't need protecting , thank you very much . Every one of his war stories takes me back to the first . " I 'm afraid to look any further beyond that experience . You ? You are not . " " You coming with me , or am I going alone ? " Scully will go at this on her own . She will scorch this earth by herself if that 's what it takes , because she gets reckless for the people she loves , and everything is already stacked against her . She really doesn 't have a lot of other options . But she does have one , and it 's the people in this room - and she trusts that they won 't let her go alone any more than she 'd let Mulder do the same . " Josepho believes your son will follow in his father 's paths and try and stop the aliens ' return . Unless his father was to be killed . That is the prophesy . " What does that even mean ? His father 's paths ? Mulder has more than one path now ? Don 't they know how single - minded he is ? Have they considered what Scully would do to them if Mulder were killed ? And that really should be in the subjunctive . This prophesy is weak . " It 's exactly what I feared . That there 's something terribly wrong . From the very moment that he was conceived . " Maybe without even meaning to , this cult is using all of Scully 's fears against her : not only her fear of losing Mulder , but her fear of what 's different about William . At least if she accepts this version of the story , she 's closer to knowing what that is , but she acts so hopeless in the face of it , which is how we know she 's really at her lowest . It 's thoughtful of Monica to use a religious argument to talk her down . But won 't these people keep coming for William - and for Mulder , if they haven 't already - regardless of whether Scully believes them ? She still has reason to be upset . " I never meant to put you at risk - to risk losing you , too . " It kills me that she 's lost so many people and that she feels so responsible for the risks people take on her behalf . That 's another way her life has turned into Mulder 's . " She 's fighting for you . Monica 's out there trying to find a way . And she 's not going to let you go . " Scully ships it . " You killed Mulder . " I think she really thinks he did . It 's like something sparks back to life in her when she realizes that Mulder might still be out there . This guy lied to her , then gave her hope , then tried to tell her to fetch Mulder 's head . Does he know nothing about Scully ? She could destroy him with her right eyebrow . " I only prayed for your life . " When Monica and Doggett are in danger , they start asking big questions . They pray despite not being sure what they believe in ; they consider possibilities they otherwise wouldn 't ; they refer to themselves as lost . When Mulder and Scully are in danger , when they 're fighting for each other , that 's the only time they let themselves be really sure of anything . Scully lays it down for aliens . Mulder chases men in suits . He sits by her bedside and holds on to the strength of her beliefs , and she comes back thanks to the strength of his . Mulder and Scully ask the big questions only when they 're together . They give each other permission to doubt because they know they can lean on each other in the process . Monica and Doggett are vulnerable without each other ; Scully and Mulder are vulnerable with each other . It 's not normal . Not everyone can do that . It 's true , though ; that 's Doggett 's brand of morality . He 's not driven by passion . He just does everything he can not to let down the people directly around him . Doggett makes a good point about how this doesn 't add up , but Scully doesn 't want to hear it . Mulder 's not here to ask the big questions with her , and I think she 's worn out - worn out from asking how and why , and from hoping that Mulder is alive . It might be too much to hope to save anyone else . " I just want the facts . " Doggett doesn 't care about revenge or blame . He 's after the truth , because that 's what you need when you work on the X - files . " I came to tell you , your friend loves you very much . " " My friend . Did you talk to John ? " Because of course it 's John . " That 's why you 're perfect for the job . " A + murderer 's instinct , Sculls . Saving lives with that finely directed rage every day . " Agent Doggett , I 'm happy to do this for you . Just don 't kid yourself that this is going to somehow bring her back . " She knows what it feels like to want someone so badly that you can 't hear reason . She wants to spare him the letdown , but she 'd never , as a friend or a scientist , spare him the right to follow every lead . Doggett hands the file to Scully and confidently guides her to a more private location , which is very ' Mulder asking Scully to shut the door ' of him . They 've got rules to break and a conspiracy to uncover , and this is something they know how to do - fight a system that would rather block them out . When Mulder puts his hand on Scully 's back , I think he 's saying the same thing : it 's just the two of them now , but they can do it . Doggett worries that if he tells Scully where he got this information , she 'll think he 's crazy . Doesn 't he know that he 's talking to the woman who listened to Mulder 's theories all those years , who eventually started talking like Mulder herself , only to get from Doggett the same looks she always gave Mulder ? Baby goat . This is a safe space for crazy . " John , I 'm still waiting for your argument . " Scully wants there to be one ; she just hasn 't seen what he 's seen , and he clearly hasn 't told her what he 's experienced with Audrey . Given what she knows , Scully 's resistance is understandable , but it didn 't have to be this way . She could have met Audrey ; John could have told her that this woman somehow knew about a conversation he had with Monica earlier that night . Scully worked with Mulder for eight years . She would have followed . But what made this show work for so long is what it can 't seem to break out of now : The X - Files is about partners . It 's better than any show out there at two people against the world , friends who 'd do anything to save each other - and in order to give that fight to Monica and Doggett , Scully had to stay on the outside this time . She could have taken a different role if she 'd just been given the chance . She doesn 't want Doggett to doubt himself . He 's a good cop . He probably already questions that every day on the X - files , and she knows how that feels . " A cop I know , a man I respect deeply , he told me one time , ' You don 't clock out at the end of your shift unless you know you did everything you could . ' That 's what this is about . Me not clocking out . " That 's an entirely Mulder - y sentiment - don 't give up - expressed in the kind of immediate , day - to - day terms Mulder would never use . Mulder 's all about changing the big picture ; if he quits now , they win . Doggett just looks straight ahead and keeps going . But it 's the same idea . They 'd both work all night . " You know that what you 're saying is impossible . " " And yet , somehow , it 's true . " Scully and Doggett are in this weird case together now . The way Scully notices Bob 's Rosary and steers the conversation to something more personal , making it a point to bond with him over Catholicism , is very much how Mulder interrogates . His default mode , at least with people who haven 't hurt Scully , is to be gentle and open and trusting , because that 's how he sees the world . Everyone is the victim of something . " And that 's enough . And the day that 's not enough ? Then I don 't know what to tell you . ' Cause I got nothing else . " Doggett believes in the work . But I think he 's also resisting because he 's afraid that there 's nothing else to him , that his mind just can 't work the way Monica 's does . He relies on the fact that he 's a good cop , and accepting the paranormal would mean accepting that he 's been working without the full picture . It would mean that he didn 't consider every angle of his son 's case , and maybe he clocked out too soon one day without realizing it . Scully doesn 't believe that the universe can be summed up in a single equation ; she doesn 't think that " its complexity allows for it to be reduced so simply . " And that 's the show , really . There are no easy answers , and if there are , they 're not worth it . The bravest thing we can do is come to terms with uncertainty and with the fact that sometimes we have to pull ourselves up and keep going when there 's nothing to put our backs up against . " Now I knew you were good , but this ? This is career launching . " Is this episode a dream ? I 'm not convinced Monica 's not dreaming . " I don 't think she should be so easily dismissed . " Doggett always backs Monica and defends her right to be taken seriously , even when he doesn 't agree with her theories . But he might actually agree with this theory . This is it . This is our inevitable end . We will all one day be forced into a game of checkers while Burt Reynolds dances around us . Choice is an illusion and hope is gone . Scully once said that science only teaches how , not why . She believes that the world can be broken down into numbers , but not that our lives are defined by them . " You can 't reduce all of life , all creation , every piece of art , architecture , music , literature , into a game of win or lose . " Mulder proved that every day . He made her see the mystery in everything . " Nine is completion . You 've evolved through the experiences of all the other numbers to a spiritual realization that this life is only part of a larger whole . " That 's Scully . The baby who marched into the FBI in her oversize plaid suit is after something so much bigger than the difference she thought she could make - but so much more intimate too . She 's after Mulder . She doesn 't need all of the answers ; she just wants to ask the right questions . She loves it . Okay but really , how are we all doing with this X - Files revival ? I can 't think about anything else . On the night it was officially announced that they 're in talks , I went to dinner with the friends who introduced me to the show , and we spent the whole meal essentially writing fanfic on everything from stand - alone episodes ( Scully hits her head ; Scully starts speaking in a British accent ; Mulder keeps trying to take her to the hospital but is distracted by aliens " literally , right over there " ; Skinner is even more turned on than usual ) to Gillian 's faves ( " She needs a new ' Bad Blood , ' but not one that she loves as MUCH as ' Bad Blood , ' but she DOES love it . " ) Imagine the Twitter trolling . The on - set selfies . Imagine hearing the theme song again . I 'm saving anxiety for later ; this is a time for dreams . In other news , I rang in the new year with The X - Files ( which I think means that nothing can go wrong ever ) and I got an Apollo 11 keychain for my birthday . And you are all too good to be so patient with these posts . Blame my job . ( But speaking of my job , starting next week , my coworker and I will be doing X - Files nostalgia recaps over at the EW Community . Can 't stop won 't stop . Please join ! ) And YES . There 's a lot I want from a revival and a few things I don 't . But I 'll worry about those later . Reply Kate says : January 22 , 2015 at 9 : 53 pm Thank you , once again , for being you . For validating the fact that I have spent most of the last week on twitter posting overly excited stream of consciousness pictures about an X Files Revival . It is the time for dreams , indeed . Have you considered the on set selfies and the GAG REEL . Nothing can go wrong , ever . Season 9 was like an abyss the first time I watched it - I felt like I was free falling . But now I see that Dogget and Reyes and the thing that they have going on are the footholds . You can stand on the little ledge that they create and appreciate the view . Doggett is Williams guardian spirit goat . He was sent to find Mulder , and Mulder is not there , but William is , and Doggett will do everything he can to hold onto him . I need to see Mulder and Doggett having beers while Mulder thanks him for taking care of Scully and William while he was away . No Nascar , though . Reply Kelly Connolly says : January 23 , 2015 at 10 : 21 am Ohhhhhh you are the best . That 's so nice . And GAG REEL . GAG REEEEEEL . What a dream . Season 9 is definitely rough ( I 'll go on record that I really liked season 8 , at least from a character perspective , which is my main focus always ) so I 'm feeling that too , but I totally agree . They let us access the show as a whole , and Mulder and Scully specifically , from a new angle . They 're so like them in some ways - the persistent search for truth , the way they fight for each other publicly and challenge each other privately - and so not like them in others - their reaction to losing each other , the way they seem to focus on a smaller scale instead of on the overarching ideal . None are bad , but all make Mulder and Scully stand out . Doggett is so protective of William . I was only thinking of his concern for Scully ( that 's all it 's ever been for ! ) but you 're so right ; by extension , it 's also about fulfilling his duties to Mulder . I 'd love to see them have that time together to talk about watching Scully 's back ( definitely without Nascar ) . Reply Sophie says : January 23 , 2015 at 4 : 09 am The revival is sooo good news I don 't actually dare to believe . I know that this is a strange reaction and that you , entertainment journalists , have to jump on the train and cover it extensively . I also know that this coverage will make the miniseries even more probable because Fox will be happy about all the attention . But I am cautious . Can you understand that ? This being said , I am very happy about your EW job and please post a link to the posts as soon as they get going . I love how these posts here are concentrated on the feels and am sure the EW will greatly profit from you shipper expertise but I hope you will also cover the metaphors and philosophy and zeitgeist elements of the X story . Thank you for all your work for the fandom and the show ( they should really pay you for the extensive promotion ) ! Reply Kelly Connolly says : January 23 , 2015 at 10 : 27 am I absolutely know what you mean ! I 'm thrilled by all of the talk and I honestly believe everyone is working to make it happen , but a part of me won 't REALLY be able to start believing it until it 's 100 % confirmed . ( But I 've started dreaming anyway ; I can 't help myself . ) Oh thanks ! I love it ! And I will definitely link to the recaps as soon as we 've got them up . I 'm sure my shipping will work its way into the posts , but we 're going to talk about other aspects of the show , too . ( Which is exciting , since I haven 't done that here . ) Reply Kelly Connolly says : January 23 , 2015 at 10 : 30 am Her face is SO ANIMATED . It 's funny , because I think her voice is always a little LESS animated when Mulder 's not around . She 's lost that little spark on the inside . It 's almost like she 's compensating with her face , like she 's trying to make herself feel and respond to things at the same level even when something is missing and OOOOOOPS now I 'm sad . the tension between scully and monica was real . the number of fics written about them proves it . i always had mixed feelings , because i could certainly see it , but it felt blasphemous to the OTP , so . so have you finished watching the whole series yet ? i was thinking you had and are just catching up on posts . but maybe not . i 'm very much looking forward to your take on the finale . as for the revival … i have nothing but hope and joy and love . as long as it 's chris and gillian and david , i think it will be fine . i think they all know there was a slight misstep by making the second movie not really part of the myth arc ( slight spoiler ? sorry ? ) and they know this will be their last chance to wrap things up the right way . i can 't envision a world in which they will make something that sucks . and i 'm beyond excited that it 'll be a limited tv series instead of a movie , because a ) more hours ! and b ) no need to cater to people who 've never seen the show before . there 's only one thing i need to have happen , but i can 't say what that is until you 've finished watching everything . LOL . Hahahha agreed , I 'd never want anything to actually happen between Scully and anyone who isn 't Mulder . But I will take my sexual tension where I can get it , and fortunately , she 's got it with everyone . Margaret . Scully . ALWAYS . May she never leave us . I haven 't finished the whole series , nope - this is as far as I 've gotten so far ! I keep getting sick , and there 's just so much writing / editing to do ! I miss the days when I could marathon this show all day . But soon ! SO SOON . I figure I 've got three posts to go : one for the next five , one for the finale , and one for IWTB . Can 't wait to hear your thoughts there ! Oh you 're fine , I know IWTB isn 't part of the myth arc , so no spoilers there . I really think that as long as they get someone who 's not Chris Carter to handle the shippy aspects , we 'll be golden . I 've got a lot I want to see , and some things I don 't , but I 'll worry about those later , and ultimately , all I need is for Mulder and Scully to be solid and in character . I 'm so glad they 're talking about a miniseries . More time with everyone ! And more opportunities to showcase all of the different types of episode that made this show what it was . I really want this . So so so hopeful . Reply Kristen says : February 24 , 2015 at 4 : 10 pm I can 't wait until you get to IWTB because I need to talk about Scully with people that get it ! GA is getting a lot of criticism for her acting in that film , but I think they just didn 't know how to write a grown up Scully the right way . At any rate , great Mulder Scully moments are still in your future ! kamisch42 says : January 23 , 2015 at 6 : 51 pm I love Improbable . Burt Reynolds is part of my Pantheon ( I 'm seriously not sure if the real god is him or Morgan Freeman ) . Plus , I love the soundtrack . Are you by any chance going to Dragoncon this year ? We 're hoping to plump up the X - track in light of the news and the recent fan additions such as yourself . I 'm excited but still a bit reserved … really , the news has just been that everyone 's on board , but they 've said that periodically for years . But hopefully , you 're right - this will garner enough attention for FOX to say yay ! I 'm not planning on it , but are X - Files things happening ? ? Should I look into this ? Don 't want to miss an XF party ! And yes , I definitely agree that I won 't be able to FULLY enjoy this until it 's confirmed , but it seems like such a public announcement is a really encouraging step . And if they were looking to gauge fan reactions , they 've definitely got their proof that people would watch ! Thank you for taking the sad , slow season 9 episodes and actually making them fun . I have always said that if season 9 had just been a different show , it would have been great . It 's just that , as a follow up to 8 seasons of Mulder & Scully amazingness , it was basically a form of torture . And Gillian / Scully 's right eyebrow has the power to bring people to their knees 🙂 Aw , thank you ! I 'm so glad you 're having fun ; I am too . Season 9 definitely would be better as its own show . Nothing can live up to Mulder and Scully , and it doesn 't have the same drive as season 8 , so it 's just kind of sad sometimes . But it 's still got some worthwhile moments of its own ! Reply Kelly Connolly says : January 25 , 2015 at 2 : 37 am It 's all I can think about , too ! Just the news that they 're in talks was the best birthday present possible . And thank you so much ! ! ! Bellyaches Method says : January 27 , 2015 at 8 : 48 pm Wonderful job , as always . And I 'm glad you 're staying positive through season nine . 🙂 Most fans just bitch and moan about it . Which I understand , because it does have its down points , but so did all the seasons , so they really need to hush . Anywho It really is sweet how deeply he cares for his ex - coworker 's child that 's not related to him . Like , this is beyond the normal , " my friends kid " caring . He would probably die for William . I can see it happening . " Doggett hands the file to Scully and confidently guides her to a more private location , which is very ' Mulder asking Scully to shut the door ' of him . They 've got rules to break and a conspiracy to uncover , and this is something they know how to do - fight a system that would rather block them out . When Mulder puts his hand on Scully 's back , I think he 's saying the same thing : it 's just the two of them now , but they can do it . " I remember reading a long time ago about how this episode was originally meant for Mulder and Scully crica season 6 / 7 , but somehow never made it to the show , so they rewrote it a bit to fit Doggett and Reyes . But Doggett is behaving very Muldery , so I guess some aspects of him were still left in the script . 🙂 I don 't know if it 's true or not ( it was on the internet , so yeah ) , but it 's pretty cute if it is . I can see this being a Mulder and Scully story very easily . SO ABOUT THAT REVIVAL . 😀 I 've been thinking that since everyone 's so busy with their own projects that they could do a few episodes a year that are like an hour and a half long each , like Sherlock does , except they need to be more regular than Sherlock . That way they can shoot for a few months out of the year and make like little mini movies instead of 24 regular episodes . Think that could happen in America ? Reply Kelly Connolly says : January 28 , 2015 at 1 : 25 pm Oh thanks ! ! ! I mean , I 'm definitely feeling more critical of this season than I have of any other , but I 'd still take it over most things out there . It 's still got Scully . That 's all I really need . ICE CREAM . I tried to stock up on pre - blizzard ice cream , like a rational adult , but my grocery store didn 't have any exciting flavors . What a life . Wait , you 're right ! " Millennium " is the only one . THE ONLY ONE . SHOW , DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU ' VE DONE TO US ? Ohhhhhh , " Audrey Pauley " would be so amazing with Mulder and Scully ( but we know how I feel about these two at each other 's hospital bedsides ) . That makes sense , especially given Scully 's storyline in that one . But it was cute for Monica and Doggett too , and since they 've been setting him up as Mulder - level tenacious this season , I buy it . REVIVAL ! I 'll take it in any form , Sherlock form included , but a real , proper , 10 - 13 ep miniseries would still be my dream , because I think this show is tightest in 45 - minute stories , and I really want some good stand - alone episodes . I feel like if they did really really short seasons , they 'd feel compelled to address the myth arc in every episode . I just want it to feel like the show , and I think a good run of hourlong episodes is the ideal way to do that . But I 'm down for anything that gets Mulder and Scully / David and Gillian back on my TV . Reply Bellyaches Method says : January 30 , 2015 at 8 : 59 am So how did you fare with that blizzard ? I have a sister in Massachusetts and she got an insane amount of snow . Two feet at least . I send her pictures of sunny Florida and drive her insane with out blue skies and palm trees and whatnot . xD And a miniseries would be fantastic . I think that 's what David 's probably pushing for . MAYBE DAVID TENNANT COULD JOIN THE X - FILES AND THEN ALL OF MY NERDY DREAMS WOULD COME TRUE . oh god i would literally cry if that happened . Who would you like to see back ? I want Lucy Lawless back for sure . Her story didn 't get an ending . IT NEEDS AN ENDING . Plus I need more Lucy Lawless on my TV . I haven 't seen her in anything since Battlestar Galactica and that is a SIN , I SAY . Also I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hope they bring Reyes back . Doggett too , but Robert Patrick 's getting old , too , so I don 't know if he 'd be up for it . And I 'm sure Mitch would come back to play Skinner . He loves the show . Kelly Connolly says : January 31 , 2015 at 12 : 42 pm I didn 't fare too badly , actually . There was a lot less snow here than they expected , and I got to work at home on Tuesday , so I have no complaints . Massachusetts got it a lot worse . ( Naturally , when I went to school in Boston they never closed , and this week they had two snow days . ) I hope your sister didn 't have to spend too many days shoveling snow ! I WOULD WEEP if David Tennant and Gillian Anderson shared any screen in any capacity but IF IT WERE THE X - FILES I would probably have to take multiple days off of work . ( He 's coming to New York to film that new Marvel show ! So many possibilities . I 'll have to find him . ) I LOVE Lucy Lawless and agree that her character didn 't get much of an ending ( apparently they wanted to bring her back , but she had a risky pregnancy ) , but I 'm wary of revisiting too much of the season 9 storyline , so they 'd have to be really careful with how they used her ! I haven 't thought too much about guest stars , but Luke Wilson would be a blast . And I want to know what Doggett and Reyes are up to , for sure , but I think I 'd only want them to be a part of the main storyline for like an episode , and even then , I 'd want it to be the four of them as a team , not a Doggett / Reyes spotlight . We only get so much time with these beautiful fools , and I love everyone , but Mulder and Scully are my priority . Someone on Tumblr suggested that Doggett could be the Vice President , helping Mulder and Scully fight colonization , and I cannot TELL you how down I am for that . And I 'm Skinner or bust with this revival . I neeeeeed him . Ellie says : January 28 , 2015 at 1 : 59 am There are some ok episodes in season 9 aren 't there ? I do like Improbable even though it 's … . improbable . On such a male - dominated show it 's nice to see the two females get some air time together , that isn 't such a dark storyline . Your recaps made me want to watch Provenance again , and I laughed a LOT when Scully marches into the XF office and pulls out a file from the very back of the filing cabinet . Cut to her and Reyes discussing the importance of the rubbings . If it really held all the answers , about William and the entire world , surely this is the FIRST X FILE you would give Reyes and Doggett ? Why keep it hidden ? Ah convenient plot points … . ( although I did watch the episode in isolation , so maybe it 's explained at other times ) . Reply Kelly Connolly says : January 28 , 2015 at 1 : 32 pm There are some okay ones , for sure ! In this batch , I really liked " Audrey Pauley , " and I liked " Improbable " ( but I stand by my dream theory ) . It 's nice to see Scully and Monica get a little time together . Ahahaha I had fun writing about Provenance , but watching it - good luck to you . ( Although actually , Provenance had its virtues ; Providence is where things got weird . ) And that 's such a good point about the rubbings . I think she shoved them in there before she was ready to consider the implications and then just kind of forgot about them , even once she became " more open " to these things , but it 's still funny that she just filed away what she thinks might be the answers to the universe . Priorities . Suuuuch a badass . I mean , she always has been , but she learns to own it , especially in the offices of her superiors . She just doesn 't care anymore what they think of her , and it 's great . Kelly Connolly says : March 19 , 2015 at 8 : 11 am Gillian Anderson is exquisite . She gives Scully so much life and depth . I love her . imnotnormalimextraordinary says : January 28 , 2015 at 6 : 07 pm Aaah this was so worth the wait ! ( And so worth re - reading after the flu bid me adieu . ) I apologize for the novel - length word - vomit which follows , but it 's been pent up for a week , now . Aah , Season 9 was definitely the Season of Jackets . It 's the small victories that keep us going , right ? ( " Sorry your life 's gone to shit , but on the bright side , you all are looking fabulous . " ) - I totally forgot about the Doggett - Reyes slumber parties at this point in the season . Hee . Doggett would be the one to tell you you 're sleeping wrong . - I hadn 't noticed and / or didn 't remember Scully 's interchanging of the first name / last name thing with them , but that 's such a cool , insightful observation on your part . Ah , gotta love the partnership of unconventional naming practices trope , am I right ? No wonder I fall so hard for certain OTPs / friendships . - Aaah Mama Scully , Master of Catholic Guilt and Mom - ing . It was nice that they finally brought her back in Season 8 / 9 after such a long absence , because for God 's sake , Scully needed * someone * , even if that someone was guilt - tripping her like they were in an after - school special about teen pregnancy . ( But then she pulled a gun on an intruder , so who 's the badass grandma now ? ) - Ah , nice catch about the show 's attitude towards the FBI . You know , in retrospect , I have to wonder if that would fly nowadays on TV . Like , would the FBI get all up in arms about defamation or whatever ? Would they be forced to have Mulder and Scully work at a fake - FBI - esque - type national federal investigative branch because the real FBI would sue their asses if they used the real FBI name ? - " You 're going to have to walk me through this ; when Mulder is sad I just undress him and put him to bed . " HEEE . It 's funny because it 's true . One thing that this is reminding me of is that despite whatever I felt for season 9 when it aired , one thing I did really enjoy was the budding team dynamic between Scully and " the next generation . " I know it didn 't all work out for a variety of reasons ( namely , that the show was in its ninth year ) , but I think that if they 'd gotten a little wiggle room all around , that could have been a really cool dynamic to explore for awhile , given what they had to work with . Scully as the " expert , " but in a totally different way than Mulder was , Doggett and Reyes with their own skeptic / believer thing happening but again not the same as their predecessors , Skinner as the badass Dad who is about 110 % done with all this crap , etc . I think that all got lost in the Duchovny exit / Anderson impending exit / general malaise of the time ( and admittedly I was resistant , too ) , but one of the many wonderful things about your series here is that you bring these things to light with fresh eyes , and I can reflect on these things without the conflict of missing my show / grieving its impending end that was the case back in 2002 . Gillian Anderson stares at lips / noses all the time . Even when she 's sitting with someone . Even when it 's not a height thing . She just has insane chemistry with everyone . It 's SO OVERWHELMING and I LOVE IT . I somehow managed to convince myself that Scully and Monica met for the first time at night , as they do with Doggett later , and that the lighting was just a liiiiittle bit lower . I don 't know what 's wrong with me . ( Gillian Anderson . ) I wonder how this show 's attitude toward the FBI would be different if it premiered in a post 9 / 11 world . Obviously , it was post 9 / 11 at this point , but they couldn 't just magically be like , " the government is done conspiring now . Your patriotism fixed everything . " In the immediate aftermath , I think they would have been hesitant to accuse the government of ANY kind of collusion , even in a work of fiction . If we take Bones as FOX 's successor to The X - Files , it definitely has a rosier outlook on the FBI , and Alias was a little forgiving of torture sometimes ( in the sense that it worked about 75 % of the time , which is probably a MUCH higher percentage than in the real world ) . Then again , Alias ( which , granted , was also dreamed up before 9 / 11 , though the pilot aired a few weeks after ) also took some shots at the government 's methods . People gave false information to get the torture to stop . People ( including Sydney ) were unfairly locked up thanks to the Patriot Act ( Alias threw so much shade on the Patriot Act ) . It played on the fear that the government was watching and listening . I think THAT , at least , is an aspect of The X - Files that would have felt even more relevant after 9 / 11 - the idea that everything was being monitored . But I don 't know if the politics of it all would have affected anything else . STRAIGHT . UP . RAMBALDI . Someday I 'm doing a post the parallels between Sydney and Scully 's pregnancies and the prophecies surrounding them ( preferably with less alliteration ) . I totally agree that the team dynamic this year , while not always lived out to its full potential , is SUCH an interesting one . It 's like a Basement Family Tree , with Scully at the top . We can understand her journey with Mulder through new eyes because we 're seeing how Doggett and Reyes respond to the same job . Sometimes it all lines up , because you have to be a certain type of person to do this job , and it just brings something out in you . But then sometimes Doggett and Reyes do things their own ( equally valid ) way , and it just makes Scully and Mulder 's story stand out . Plus they 're cute , and I love the way they admire Scully , care for her , and want to work with her . I am SO here for a potential revival . It 's insane , but I 'm so grateful that this is the world 's current breed of insanity . FOX knows what the people want . I haven 't been interested in a lot of these * returning shows * ( i . e . 24 ) , but for The X - Files , I 'm here for it . Always . Reply imnotnormalimextraordinary says : February 1 , 2015 at 9 : 32 pm LOL , " Gillian Anderson " being the root cause of your affliction sounds like an acceptable excuse to me ! Hey , I say , you gotta get whatever you can , so if seeing sparks between Scully and Monica is wrong , you don 't ever want to be right . Scully 's gotta get it somehow , since she isn 't ever allowed to on the show without , like , a piano falling down on her or whatever . About the attitude towards the show , I forget if it was David Duchovny or Chris Carter or Frank Spotnitz , or someone else altogether , but I think somewhere around the second movie , there was discussion about the zeitgeist in which the X - Files premiered , and they said that it 's a show that probably couldn 't have gotten made post - 9 / 11 , because attitudes changed so ferociously overnight . Actually , I even remember towards the end of season 9 , maybe in interviews around the finale , they talked about how difficult it was to continue with this conspiracy stuff , when the entire country at the time was wrapping itself in the flag and it was very uncool to be publicly critical or distrustful of the government , which is basically the entire ethos of the show . I 've gotta give that to them , irrespective of whatever I think of what happened in season 9 , because it 's true that basically in the blink of an eye , the driving force of their show became almost taboo . Ah , you 're totally right about " Bones " in a post - XF world . Like when the whole FBI conspiracy plot played out at the end of last season - they always made it clear that it was a few bad apples spoiling the bunch ( and the same thing with the corrupt director in season 2 , when Max returns to Brenan 's ) and they worked to bring them to justice to clear the FBI 's " good name " . And after Booth gets hung out to dry by the bureau , he again always makes it clear he 's angry at the individuals who set him up to take the fall for the coverup , vs . being angry at the FBI as a whole . ( Plus , you know , the fact that Booth is Ah , you 're right about " Alias " being pretty permissive about torture and stuff too . My memory is a little hazy on it , but I seem to remember basically the SD - 6 stuff clearly being the " bad guys , " but the CIA , though shady in practice , was ultimately supposed to be the good guy in the picture , which is why Sydney ultimately goes to them to bring down SD - 6 . I also wonder about how the " Alias " writers were influenced by 9 / 11 , since the show was conceived before 9 / 11 and the pilot was shot before then , but aired after 9 / 11 . I wonder if they had to do any significant changes during that first season . And hell , all the " government spying on you " paranoia that was present in both " Alias " and " X - Files " turned out to pretty much be true , so I guess Mulder would have the last laugh now . The thing about the team dynamic in season 9 is that you know , you always kind of wished Mulder and Scully would have more people pulling for them in the FBI all those years . ( Or at least I did . ) So now they do finally have this group of people who are fighting the good fight and not in secret , but actually legitimately assigned to their division and investigating their cases even if they don 't believe . It 's just that Mulder isn 't around anymore to enjoy it , or be validated by their work . But , they totally respect what Mulder and Scully did and are still doing , and that 's really neat . Kelly Connolly says : February 3 , 2015 at 6 : 34 pm Do you listen to the X - Files Files podcast ? They said something once about how the show just couldn 't survive after 9 / 11 , but it 's the right time now to bring back that sentiment . ( And to that I say YES . ) It really is impressive that they even kept it going for one season , even though I wish the season 8 finale had been the end . YES on Booth . He 's so patriotic . Even when the FBI ruins him , it 's always the individuals who are corrupt , not the institution . I wonder if Alias did have to change anything ! That 's a good question . I just remember listening to commentary on the pilot , and they were marveling at the fact that they 'd been able to shoot the airport scenes without any uproar from security . A few months later , that never would have worked . " So now they do finally have this group of people who are fighting the good fight and not in secret , but actually legitimately assigned to their division and investigating their cases even if they don 't believe . It 's just that Mulder isn 't around anymore to enjoy it , or be validated by their work . But , they totally respect what Mulder and Scully did and are still doing , and that 's really neat . " YES YES YES . It 's so great that they 've got this legacy , and it 's simultaneously so heartbreaking , because their legacy can only live on if they 're removed from it . Hahaha if Heroes can come back , The X - Files can DEFINITELY come back . One of these things is slightly more beloved than the other ( and it 's not Heroes ) . imnotnormalimextraordinary says : February 4 , 2015 at 10 : 16 pm I haven 't listened to the podcast , yet , unfortunately , thought I have it bookmarked . ( My internet connection is terrible and the telecom company keeps sending techs over to fix it , but no dice , ugh . ) I totally agree with the statement , though , that the show could have never survived immediately after 9 / 11 , but now would be the perfect time for a revival , because I think we 've kind of swung back to that kind of questioning mentality . Oh wow , I didn 't even think about how 9 / 11 would have changed how " Alias " was able to shoot scenes at the airport , but that makes so much sense , and is so obvious . I bet there are lots of little details like that in some of those shows , now that I think about it . " It 's so great that they 've got this legacy , and it 's simultaneously so heartbreaking , because their legacy can only live on if they 're removed from it . " Aaaaaaah that is so perfectly said ! Poor misunderstood babies . They definitely put the " tragic " in tragic hero . Speaking of which , I had no idea a " Heroes " comeback was even a thing , so I was so confused when I saw the commercial . ( Is it a movie ? Mini - series ? Car commercial ? I have no idea . ) Not that I ever watched it , but you know , it was a pop culture phenomenon for about five seconds back in the day . And I would think " X - Files " would have WAY more cultural cachet and buzz in terms of a revival than " Heroes " would , so why can 't it come back ? Bellyaches Method says : January 31 , 2015 at 10 : 38 am I just realized you 're at the point where this fanvid contains no spoilers for you . You should watch it . It 's pretty much the best X - Files tribute I 've ever seen . Reply Bellyaches Method says : January 31 , 2015 at 10 : 54 am Oh wait I just realized there 's a quote from Scully from the finale . Never mind . Watch it when you 're done with the finale . xD Reply Kelly Connolly says : January 31 , 2015 at 12 : 18 pm AHH . OKAY . I CAN HOLD OFF . I CAN NOT PRESS A BUTTON . I CAN DO THIS . Kelly Connolly says : February 3 , 2015 at 6 : 28 pm Hahahaha this is the one fanvid I 've let myself watch , and it is entirely worthy . Bellyaches Method says : February 4 , 2015 at 8 : 36 am It 's beautiful . xD Snakey does some really terrific funny videos . And then his Love Like Fools video is just OMG . I will gladly go through them all and pick out the ones that have no spoilers for you . xD You can probably watch the Mulderisms and Scullyisms vids . You 're going to binge on fanvids the second you finish with the second movie , aren 't you . XD Maria says : January 31 , 2015 at 12 : 43 pm I just want to say I love you ! I really do . I 'm from Russia and I just found your blog by accident and I watch X - files literally with you . I watch an episode and then I read what you wrote about it - I have to say that I agree with every word , it is very pleasant to read and I am very happy to know that there are still people who love the show so much and appreciate it as well . Please do write something about the rest of the show cause I can 't imagine watching X - files without your blog to support me after every episode ! Reply Kelly Connolly says : January 31 , 2015 at 12 : 45 pm Ahhh thank you so much ! ! This makes me so happy , seriously . Watching this show with everyone has been the best experience . And I promise I 'm working on my next post ! I 've been busy with work , but I wouldn 't dream of stopping . Reply Kirsty Murray says : February 4 , 2015 at 5 : 00 am I was completely obsessed with this show and this relationship from the age of 12 all throughout my teenage years . My first fandom and first ship . When it ended , I inevitably moved on to new fandoms . Now at 29 and with the news of a possible return , my first love has been rekindled . I 've fallen back into a Mulder / Scully shaped hole and it is glorious . Your posts make me squee like an excited teenager again 😀 Reply Kelly Connolly says : February 4 , 2015 at 6 : 35 pm Ah yay ! That 's the best news . I am here to stoke the fires of MSR fandom . Reply Kelly Connolly says : February 14 , 2015 at 4 : 54 pm I knowwww . I 'm at a con this weekend and it 's killing me to be so far behind . Once I 've left , though , I 'll get it done as soon as I can ! ( Although I 'm not ready for this to be over either . ) Reply Kelly Connolly says : February 14 , 2015 at 4 : 53 pm Hi ! Soon , hopefully . I 'm at a con this weekend and it 's KILLING me to be so far behind . I 'm so sorry ! Reply Sophie says : February 15 , 2015 at 7 : 58 am No pressure , we just love your posts ! As long as you keep them coming , we 'll be here to follow and spam you with detail - driven comments . Enjoy the con , though ! Laraine says : February 15 , 2015 at 8 : 41 pm So HERE is where we 're talking # XF2015 . Ahhh ! ! I think it 's going to happen . Neither GA or DD are tied up full - time on any series , unless Aquarius gets another order ( I hope it 's terrible ) . I think a nice , tight 13 - episode run would do really really well . I would love to see a FEW seasons , obviously . They 've got to resolve mythology stuff , and it will be a few years after the invasion date , but that 's not really a problem , since we have only a vague idea of what the invasion entails . It could be really cool to jump right into Mulder & Scully working to save the world post - invasion . There have to be stand - alone episodes , for FUN , but that means Mulder & Scully return to the FBI . And they 'd have to write the invasion plot as , like , not totally apocalyptic . It 's not so pressing that they can 't drop it for a few weeks to pursue other cases . Without getting too spoiler - y , IWTB set up the potential for a return to agent - ing , at least for Mulder , who is no longer a fugitive . Scully would take some convincing . ( There 's your series opener - just when I thought I was out , they pull me back in … ) Or maybe Mulder 's already back , and he 's all , Scully I need you on this one ! Also EXCITING , is that their son will be a teenager , maybe 15 ( ? ) , soon to reach maturity … I think it 's inevitable that he would be brought into the story . Maybe they need to find him to protect him , or he looks for his birth parents and discovers his destiny to SAVE THE WORLD . ( I love the Superman parallels . ) The only thing that makes me nervous is that basically I just want to watch Mulder & Scully together , and if they have to cast some teenager as their kid … introducing a character like that is just tricky , because you have to make us CARE about a stranger . He just needs to have minimal screen time , or it 's introduced as a long plot to find him and then he 's barely on the show at the end . ( Say we get 3 seasons , then in the 3rd he 's turning 18 and it 's time to fulfill his destiny ? ? ) Reply Kelly Connolly says : March 19 , 2015 at 8 : 14 am YES , I like this . If the invasion date was indeed accurate , then it didn 't need to be a full - on end - of - days thing . We 'll need some standalone cases to go along with it ! I would love for them to follow up on William at least a little . It 's just so heartbreaking . But I don 't know how that would happen , and it seems like they want to just pretend it never happened in the first place . Reply Laraine says : February 15 , 2015 at 9 : 00 pm Oh ! I keep forgetting to tell you this … a couple weeks ago I was at a church in Hollywood and Robert Patrick said good morning to me ! At the time I was just a couple episodes away from Doggett 's first appearance . It 's a long story , I don 't go to church , and I did NOT go to hunt celebrities either , but lots of actors attend this church apparently - I also met Michael Ensign ! He appeared in Biogenesis / The Sixth Extinction ( and Ghostbusters , and like 200 other credits ) . Reply Kelly Connolly says : March 19 , 2015 at 8 : 09 am AHHH STOP THIS IS THE BEST THING I ' VE EVER HEARD . So exciting ! TELL ME EVERYTHING . Reply Laraine says : June 11 , 2015 at 1 : 55 am Oh hi ! Nothing else to tell really , that 's the whole story . LA is weird ( and actors are just people ) . Reply lou says : March 3 , 2015 at 12 : 25 pm I was just looking for an article on X - files and end up on your web site , reading all night your posts , never laugh and cry so much ! I had sometimes the impression to read my own thoughts , that was awesome ! can 't wait for more , until then , I 'm gonna read what you write on the other tv shows . GO ON , YOURE DOING GREAT ! Reply Kelly Connolly says : March 19 , 2015 at 8 : 01 am Oh thank you so so much ! This is so great . I really appreciate it ! Reply MGM says : March 11 , 2015 at 6 : 55 pm So excited to have found this site ! Love the fact that it shows how much we still love M & S ! And the world is full of like minded xphiles . Yeah ! Love yours sights too . Reply Kelly Connolly says : March 19 , 2015 at 7 : 59 am Oh thank you ! ! YES , X - Philes are still going strong . It 's so great . Reply Pauline ( @ tilley _ girl ) says : May 1 , 2015 at 9 : 06 pm I 'm surprised at how little of these episodes I remember . The numerology one with the checkers game I do , but everything else is a bit of a blank . I remember Doggett wondering if he had done all he could for his son . And the Doggett / Reyes relationship . I enjoyed reading your impressions of the episodes though , even if they are a bit of a blank to me . And there really isn 't a bad shot of Scully . I 'm really getting excited about the revival . Now that Morgan and Wong are in , I have high hopes it won 't be screwed up . Reply Melissa Mackey says : May 3 , 2015 at 9 : 51 pm I just finished watching Improbable . I expected to be annoyed , but was instead charmed . I 've been pleasantly surprised by how much I 'm enjoying Reyes , Doggett & Scully fighting crime . Reply Allison Graham says : January 9 , 2016 at 3 : 23 am I fully admit to rewatching that telephone scene from Improbable at least 4 times , it was JUST HYSTERICAL and I kept giggling . Scully has Reyes ' number memorized ( although I think back to 2002 and this was not out of the realm of possibilities , I 'm pretty sure I had my friends number memorized , but I did also just acquire my first cell - phone ) , Scully CHEWS ON HER LIP while she 's talking to Reyes and listening to her chatter , Reyes is completely unfazed to have Scully calling at 9pm to ask about this AND calls her Dana . I love Scully and Reyes as besties , it is THE BEST . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

I was realizing that even after trying hard I am yet not prepared for all this and sensing my mind state Shilpi casually told me to relax . " Relax yaar . . . sab theek ho jaayega . . . ! " I looked at her and she was smiling " First time mera bhi yehi haal tha . . . " saying she was in same state when it was her first time she continued smiling and after a tiny pause spoke again No ! I can 't do all this , how can I get naked in front of Chetan , moreover how can I have sex with him ; I hardly know him . How would he fuck me ? He might hurt me in excitement ? I can 't tolerate Vishal and Shilpi together , it is better to commit suicide instead of doing all this . With a fear of unexpected reaction from Shilpi , I spoke out exactly what was running in my mind and Shilpi smiled over my hesitant facial expressions . " Don 't worry … everything will be fine … . " She took it casually and after a pause praised her husband saying " Chetan is a wonderful lover … tender as well as passionate " and after a pause added " and he is crazy about your physic … " , How can she say all that so casually ? I looked at her with a surprise and Shilpi was still smiling " I am just trying to arouse you … . " and with a big smile I blushed again . Though it was filthy but it was attractive and it was working too . Shilpi felt really good as I replied and accepting my reply and once again praised me for my ass " Tumhar Gaand bahut sundar hai … I wish meri Gaand bhi tumhari Gaand jaisi hoti " and this time I giggled quite openly . " Thank God … you laughed … " Shilpi sniffed in relief . " ye sab hum school aur collage days mein bolte the … . " I spoke and Shilpi instantly replied back saying " actually baat karne mein koi problem nahi hai … mujhe kisi aur ke saath sex karna ajeeb lag raha hai … " " Nisha Life ko enjoy karo … aur human life mein sex se jyada enjoy karne ka kuch bhi nahi hai … . " " Life is very short … marne se pahle achhe se jee low " . though I wanted to but I really I failed to suppress my desire and holding her scalp brought his face over mine again and we went through a deep kiss . " Please . . . say yes . . . I am requesting you . . . " Vishal spoke while looking into my eyes closely after the kiss " ab aapko mere saath sex karne mein mazza nahi aata ? ( Means you don 't enjoy having sex with me anymore ) " I asked Vishal in soft emotional voice " how can you say that . . . ? Mujhe bahut mazza aata hai . . . " Vishal replied and after saying that his hand searched for the cord of my salwar and that 's what I desired him to do and with that Vishal continued " I love you more than my life . . . but main ek baar partner swapping try karna chahta hun . . . ! Bus ek bar . . . for whole night " . I puffed in pleasure with a tore open mouth and that was enough for Vishal to realize my mind state " Nisha . . . you will shave your Pussy for Chaten . . . Ok . . . ! Rather you have go for full body waxing " it was intentionally spoken to arouse me and it worked . " Chaten will certainly suck your Pussy . . . " " Just relax . . . sab ho jaayega . . . " Vishal embraced me while saying that and we retained that posture for whole night . That night I slept tight and I can say as compared to last few mornings I was quite fresh when I got up ; if not mentally at least physically . including my favorite , me riding on his top and getting him deep with my desired pace . " What I will do if he will ask me suck his Penis . . . ? No I will not ! How can I suck his Penis . . . I cannot suck anybody except Vishal " continuously something or other was running in my mind and now I was confused just over doing oral sex with Chaten . Neither I wanted to suck him nor I needed to get sucked by him and I thought about talking to Vishal about that . By the time I came out Vishal was back after picking up our son from the school and we all had meal in a good restaurant . I must say that everything was perfectly planned by Vishal , almost of his age and now we both were free to move anywhere to do anything . " Suno mujhe kya unka suck bhi karna padega ? " I was waiting for get alone with Vishal and I asked him as we started for our home " Haan . . . karna bhi padega aur apni karwani bhi padegi " he was casual with his tone while replying and I immediately denied " No . . . I will not suck him . . . " " Why . . . ? Kar lena suck … Mera bhi to karti hi ho ! " for few seconds I looked at Vishal 's face without a word , how can he say that so shamelessly ! And before I would have said anything Vishal spoke again " Shilpi bhi to suck karegi mera . . . aur main bhi uski suck karunga " and I went speechless as I saw his eyes glowing with lust for Shilpi . He was not at all uneasy like me and seeing his excitement I wished for feeling excited like him . Anyway we reached back home and Vishal told me to try all clothes one by one . Apparently I was Ok and trying my best to be in pleasant mood to feel that I am not doing anything wrong . Don 't know exactly but it took us maximum 20 - 30 minutes to reach to the place where we were suppose to meet Chaten and Shilpi and with no sign of any sexual arousal throughout the way I was scared and worried . By the time we reached their Chetan and Shilpi were already waiting for us . As we reached they both came out of the car and Vishal asked me too to come out . They say you marry a man who is like your father . In my case I married a guy of my father 's choice , he is a successful banker just like my father but the similarities end there . My father would never dream of doing anything like that with my mother what my husband has done with me . My husband asked me to be part of a wife swapping with his superior and his wife ; yes it happens , wife swapping is a dirty secret that exist in real life . Some do it willingly and some do it because they are asked into it by their seniors . I won 't say my husband was asked by his boss , he was asked by his superior and he agreed but certainly I was made to get into this by my husband . I am a fair and good looking female with undue tiny pimples over my cheeks . Average height of 5 ' 5 " though not slender but I have attractive body ; with bit of belly I have big and good shaped luscious breasts with a striking bottom . That evening I was wrapped in a Sari and the moment Chetan ( my husband 's boss ) met me I saw a strange glow in his eyes . " ye sab real life mein bhi hota hai kya ? Wife swapping and all … ! " and I came up saying " hota hoga … ! I am sure western countries mein to hota hi hoga " and next Vishal said that he thinks that all this happen in India too and I casually ended up saying " may be " . reluctant and loath and that irritated him even more and somewhere around 12 in the noon he left the house . He did not called me for the whole day , even I did not took his know how and he came back home bit drunk after 11in the night . Vishal was never so casual in drinking , he hardly drink 5 - 6 times in a year and he never exceeded two drinks , but that night he was fairly drunk , That night we were on same bed , facing away with each other and once again throughout night I was uncomfortable and failed to sleep sound . I woke up with a heavy head and did all the work with strange fear in the mind . I was scared of myself , although I was rigid in my mind ; that I don 't have to do all this but still I had a hunch that somehow Vishal will agree me . Once again Vishal came back home very late and this time I literary begged him for not doing all this with me but he ignored me and slept without saying even a word and I spent almost entire night while looking at the roof . Mentally I was so tired because of all this that for an instant felt like surrendering myself , but how could I do that ? How can I have sex with someone else ? Time rolled by and I was approached by my colleague repeatedly . Though I was hesitant to get into another relationship , I was constantly approached by him for a wed - lock . Despite , being a divorcee he was persistent and on consulting with Ganesh who said , at 29 you should look at having a true life partner and whatever happened in the past should be forgotten . Ganesh too had multiple joint discussions with us , to understand Ganesh 's perspective and during those interactions Ganesh narrated our incidents too . Siddharth never bothered about it and was mad in love with me . Hence . I was convinced by Ganesh to accept the proposal from Siddharth . Siddharth , 27 then was a local Bangalorean and with the consent of his parents and mine , we got married . Ganesh attended our wedding and wished us a new colourful life . Ganesh told me , though we live in same city , he did not want me to be in touch with him as I would start comparing Siddharth and Ganesh every time . I tried reaching Ganesh in vain and he would cut my call every time . I slowly understood that he was a principled man and always wanted the best for me in my life . My life with Siddharth went on , not so exciting sex life but then we had a baby boy in a year of marriage . Life was not so exciting but was moving along . That was when things went for a tipsy - turvy . I was not aware of this , until one day Siddharth 's friend , in a family get together , after being drunk , started discussing this in front of all . Siddharth has been trying this trick even before we had got married and it was a shocker for me as he had not mentioned a word about it before our marriage . Somewhere felt the transparency was lost between us . I was gutted . That evening we returned late and decided to thrash it out next day . Siddharth woke up early the next morning and started drinking and when I woke up at 8 AM he was already high again and started hurling abuses on me . While I was listening politely , the door - bell rang and it was Sindhu at the door . She was not fresh and her dress crumpled , hair not done , looking tired . Siddharth greeted her , how was last night with Sudhakar ? ( Sudhakar was their superior ) . Just then I realised even Sudhakar was not in the previous night get together . Sindhu told Siddharth that it was a threesome along with Sudhakar 's wife and they were discussing as though I did not exist . After about half hour of listening to this , I lost my patience and questioned Siddharth if we can discuss about this relationship . No sooner did I ask this , Siddharth slapped me repeatedly and tore my clothes , gagged me and entered me roughly . Our baby was asleep and thank god he did not see this . He rammed me so hard that my pussy was burning and ejaculated half way in me . Felt ashamed that it was happening in front of another girl , Siddharth asked Sindhu to hold my hand and turned me around and entered my anus too . It was a pain I could not bear and literally passed out . As I was held by another person and gagged with no one to help me I was fucked . After ramming for a while on my ass hole , Siddharth ejaculated again and went to our bedroom along with Sindhu . Now , I could not tolerate this anymore and I called Ganesh . He did not pick my call , but I texted him Ganesh - please save me , speak to me . He called me immediately and I told him what had happened . Ganesh came and picked me and my son home , gave us time to forget all of this and around evening , he set up a meeting along with Siddharth . Siddharth was heavily drunk and met us with Sindhu and told Ganesh to fuck - off . It is his life and he needs Sindhu to grow faster . " My career is dependant on Sindhu from now on and I dont need Nisha anymore " . This made Ganesh lose his cool and he retorted , " you shall face the consequences " . Ganesh helped me file for a divorce and continued to be supportive to me and my kid and back to my old living place now . That was in 2012 . Siddharth and me got divorced in 2013 . My parents have not been informed yet about this as this will devastate them . For them , we are still husband and wife . I could never stop admiring him with his care , gentleness . I was depressed most of the time and with Ganesh 's wittiness , humour and guidance I slowly was getting back to normal and was wanting him again . Ganesh 's daughter , was in a residential school and we got to spend more time at his home a lot . My son too got a calm surrounding and started growing up . This life was getting too comfortable and my desire for Ganesh was going up every minute . There came an opportunity . On a particular Saturday , it was Ganesh 's birthday . My son had gone on a school picnic and was to return in the evening . Ganesh was at home , attending to his regular week end chores . I decided to fulfil my desire that day . Though society may look at it wrongly , I wanted it . My mind was filled by Ganesh all the time and was not sure if I was committing a societal mistake . But still had the boldness to execute the plan . As I had free access to his home , I reached his home by 8 AM , when he was just about to get off the bed and I silently went and lied down next to him . Still in final stages of sleep , Ganesh was not disturbed and I adjusted myself into a good position . Then in one smooth movement , I hugged him and kissed him in his eye and was over him . As he opened his eyes , I was there wishing him first on his 42nd birthday . He had the same smirky smile and for a change I could feel his dick a little erect poking me on my thighs . Not waiting a minute , I started kissing him on his lips and deep . He responded . It was a deep kiss between us after about 5 years and we were enjoying each others mouth . Exploring every nook and corner of ours . To my surprise , Ganesh hugged me tighter and I felt not even air could pass between us . It was that tight a squeezy hug and his hands started exploring my ass . As I was on a skirt that day , his hand easily was rubbing against my naked ass and his dick started growing and poking harder . He whispered , " want you to wear your birthday dress " . . . I replied , " its your birthday , and you should wear it " and saying so , slid my hand inside his shorts . Oh wow ! he was not wearing underwear and my hand was rubbing his penis . Caught it softly and held it in my hand , as though holding onto my life 's gift . Slowly started jerking and at which time , Ganesh loosened his hug . This gave me access to his shorts hook . Without letting go of his dick , unhooked his shorts . He lifted his waist to help me remove it and there was the monster . The one I enjoyed playing 5 years ago . It was the same size , same girth and on pulling the foreskin down and exposing his pink head made me crazy . Without waiting a moment , started licking the tip as though it was a tasty lollipop . Ganesh opened his legs and that gave me signs of a full suck of his dick . I started deep throating him and he started soft groans . Jerking and sucking made his dick grow full , must be 7 inches I think , and he was enjoying every in - out . It took me about 12 minutes of sucking and jerking him to make him reach climax . That is when he said , " Hey , you have tasted me before , I am shooting inside your mouth . Thats my birthday treat for you " . He shot his cum and as usual I drank every drop of it . I was still amazed at his control to release . I decided to be slutty that day . I removed my skirt and blouse and pulled my bra down to expose my breasts . " Ahh your breasts have become a bit saggy than before , but very shapely my dear " is what Ganesh said as he lifted my sports bra above my head to expose my full breasts . Now , I have a little saggy breasts but full and perky nipples . As Ganesh started fondling and licking the nipples , I removed my panties and rubbed it on his body . It was a little wet with my pre - cum , but I rubbed all of it over his chest and threw it away . Coming over him with my legs on either side of him , I held his penis which was little limp now and still put it into my love hole . I started plucking his nipples and biting them . That made his penis grow again . Time for me to ride his cock . With my breasts jangling , which Ganesh was holding pinching kissing from time to time , I rode his cock for 10 minutes . I came 2 times in the process and his dick was wet . I turned and lied down on bed now and pulled Ganesh to pump into me . He obliged and he started with deep strokes but slow . Full long deep strokes made me go mad . He was doing it till I orgasmed again . Then he increased pace but kept long strokes . It was like heaven . He must have pumped in with great control for over 5 minutes before I orgasmed again . It was time for Ganesh to boss me . He turned me over . The fear of a anal fuck was appearing in my mind . But not to be . He entered my love hole from back . My breasts hanging which he deftly held and was ramming in fast and shorter strokes . This time , he was hitting me deep . No one had hit me there . I started pouring again which made it easier for Ganesh 's dick to explore deeper depth . He must have rammed me for another 10 minutes where his dick twitched and I knew he was cumming . Then came the splurge of his warm liquid deep into my hole and I times another orgasm to enjoy his sperms . Completely exhausted , I fall on bed and gasped , " what a fuck " and Ganesh kissed me and said " we made love hun " . I liked the way he said it and we had made love indeed . We have had many such sessions in the last two years and came to know that Sudha too is supported by Ganesh . Sudha is another story which I shall ask her to write . But believe me , both of us are treated with utmost respect , love and care . We are not competition , but we are similar in both of us finding love in the same man . We have taken turns to make love with Ganesh and never has Ganesh wanted to shame one over the other or even indicate a threesome . Such an amazing personality he is . My last periods was 50 days back and tests confirm I am pregnant now . I want to mother Ganesh 's kid , who has been there for me all the time . Will the society abuse us ? Will Ganesh agree ? This tension is killing me these days . Do I tell Ganesh about this ? I just cant think of aborting this gift though . I am Nisha , my own name , now 33 years of age , from Haryana , was working in Gurgaon and now in Bangalore . I want to narrate my real - life which I am living and have contemplated for many years if what I am doing is right or wrong . But , I am enjoying this and hence am convinced that I am right in what I am doing . I was married at a young age of 23 to a husband who was not as even half - literate as I am . The marriage was an arranged marriage where I could not have a say in it . My husband , though was a distant relative treated me like a slave . Born and brought up like a princess and an independent thinking girl , I am 4th daughter to my parents . All my other sisters were married and were running their family in and around NCR . I was the most learned of all sisters and found a good job post my graduation in Delhi . I worked as a sales co - oridnator in a training institute in Delhi and an MNC client project landed on me to deliver . The project owner for my client was a smart , handsome and a happy - go - lucky Mr . Ganesh . Ganesh 's secretary would collect regular updates on the project and weekly reviews will be with Ganesh along with my senior . Thats how I knew Ganesh . As the project ran for a year , I started building a liking to Ganesh . Ganesh was a south Indian based in Bangalore , and was a knowledge - house . The project ended successfully and Ganesh praised me and renewed the contract for another 2 years with my company . His work style , concern for people working with him made me admire him . I started calling him direct and found solace and shared more of my personal life . I was pulling along with my marriage for the fear of my parents despite my husband becoming physically abusive . Leave alone physical abuse , he was never home without being drunk everyday . I was wanting to end this marriage and sought the advice of Ganesh . Ganesh , as a true gentleman , counselled me and gave me ideas to make the marriage work , but after 6 months he too had given up and said ' get a divorce . Come to Bangalore , stay away from your parents for a while after that , will find a good job for you and start a fresh life ' . Not sure how to believe the words , I still decided to plunge and filed a divorce . Ganesh was 32 years then , a widower and father of a 5 year old daughter , and I was 25 and I landed to Bangalore one day . He helped me in finding a decently paying job , fixing a place to live somewhat close to where he lived . Life chugged along for a year with all the happiness and Ganesh was instrumental in that . I could feel a new life in me . There were few physical touches during this period and I used to wonder how unlucky of his wife not to live longer with such a gentleman . At times , the mind monkey became why not he for me ? But never had the guts to express to him ever . He was silent and was watching me from the back and when I had finished bathing and turned gave him a naked full frontal view . That was the first time I saw Ganesh staring at my body . For few seconds , I was lost in which time , and he came near me and my eyes were filled with shame . I had a good physique , 32B breasts , thin ( waist of 32 ) but am a little short , just around 5 feet . Ganesh neared me and described me as a stunning beauty without clothes and how would your husband not enjoy this ? I was swept of the floor as that was the first time someone could praise me and that too when I was not covered . I never realised that I wanted to cover myself , but instead went even closer and hesitated . Ganesh was smart enough to understand what was running within me and hugged me tight and kissed my head . Felt his warmth and pulled my face away and looked in my eyes . I was oozing feminity and may be more . He kissed my eyes softly , nibbled my ear lobes and gently rubbed his lips on my cheeks . I was in that state of mind that I couldn 't resist . Had this been my ex - husband , it would have just been a rough entry into my pussy and a quick ejaculation . Here was a man , who was getting my permission from my body language to even kiss my cheek . He pulled back and I pushed my cheek closer to his lips wanting him to kiss me . As there was a jerk when I did this , my lips landed against his . Our lips kissed each others softly . I was burning inside with desire . Havent enjoyed for close to two years and here was a man who was so gentle that I wanted to lose myself to him . I refused to break the kiss and started licking his lips . Initially he was hesitant but I persisted in licking and he opened the lips . My tongue started searching his . And found it . Started licking his tongue and sucking it too as I wanted more of his taste . I was losing myself slowly . He held me against him as I explored his mouth and his hands were holding my ass and softly squeezing them . Pressed my body further on him and he let out a gasp and his grip tightened on my ass . This time his ass - grip had a purpose and was running all the way on my waist . Stepped away and asked him , showing my full naked body . Do you like this ? He had half a shake and I was not in a mood to leave him . I prodded him , will you describe me ? The feminity in me took over and was wanting me to be praised . And that too by a man , who is a mentor , guide for me . Ganesh seized the moment and came near and said I will describe you and started with my neck . As he described the neck , his finger was gently drawing lines on the neck , then on shoulders and then on my cleavage and he held my breasts . They were feeling nice and my nipples responded a bit . He , came close to it and said " oh this wants some treatment " with a smirk in his eyes . That sight was amazing as I replied " treat them if you wish " . His lips brushed and tongue licked and slowly got gobbled into his lips . What a feeling it was . My breath was heavy and warm . He clung the nipple between his lips and pulled it . I shouted Aaaahhh waiting . This gave him the permission to suck it deep . I have a big nipple but not much of an aerola . Looking at this , it looked more than half my breast was in his mouth . He was sucking like a baby . As he finished sucking , the nipple was erect and standing upright and the other nipple was semi - erect . I ordered him to treat that as well as he sucked it too . Wow ! how good it was . Electric shock in my body and the whore in me took over . I opened my leg a bit , went to the bed and with my eyes asked him , how about this . There he came and spread my leg wide and breathed softly around my vagina . His breath sent waves in me . Take me you dud ! I want to lose myself . He was patient and just licked around the pee hole . I was pushing his head to go lower and explore my love hole . He was patient , and aroused me enough by licking around the pee hole and love hole . As his tongue tip touched my pussy lips , I was building inside . He licked my pussy lips and slowly swallowing it as I could control my sensation a bit . He sense it and continued sucking the pussy lips for a while and in one motion all of a sudden entered my hole . Straight and deep . Shiver in my body and arching up pushed his head further . He hit my spot and I couldn 't hold it any longer . I shot a load and just in time he pulled his tongue out . My fluids were dripping slowly on the canal . Will he lick it clean ? Was waiting for a second when he plunged in again and started licking my juice . He sucked my hole and all of a sudden pounced on me onto my lips and made me drink my own juice mixed with his saliva . It was bitter , salty but tasty . Thats when he looked into my eyes again and said , see how lovely you are . That was may be my first happiest moment in the world , someone who could handle me with care . Someone who could give me a taste of everything about me . As I started to relax , with no botheration to cover myself reliving every thing in my mind , he started off saying , I came for having a chat , but happy that you got to taste yourself . Though I was sad for a moment , I could feel the limit to which he could stop and made me happy . I slept naked the whole day feeling his touch in every inch and enjoying within myself . About 6 months later , we again had time alone in my home and it was my chance to show him what I was made of . That time , I experienced a manhood in my mouth and an amazing man who had excellent control on his cum - release ended up me tasting a real man . I was in no mood to let go of a single drop of Ganesh 's . Many a times my heart willed him penetrating my love hole and never bothered even if I got pregnant for him . But that never happened . Hi , I am about to tell you something fantastic that happened to me a few weeks ago . I was not expecting it and it has left a lasting impression in my head . Let me tell you all a little about my self . I am a Punjabi Munda living in Mumbai . I am about 5 ' 9 " athletic built and decent looking . I have had many girl friends over the years and am lucky to have a very active sex life . The incidence I will be telling you about has by far the best till date . I am working with a MNC and had to go down to Gurgaon for a training for a couple of days . The training was getting over on a Friday evening . I decided to stay back in Gurgaon for a couple of days so I could catch up with my MBA batchmates in Delhi and party with them as I was going down to Delhi after a gap of almost 3 years . I called him up and he was really happy to hear my voice and said he will meet me but a little late as he was in a UK shift and wanted to wind up a few calls . I told him where I was staying and will meet him in the restaurant . I went to the restaurant and got back corner table facing the restaurant so I could see who all came in . It was around 11 : 30 when Rajesh ( My friend ) walked in with a fairly attractive women ( Priya ) . Priya was wearing a shirt with zip in front and a skirt that was just about touching her knees . She had curly hair , was a little dusky ( a shorter version of Suman Ranganathan ) nice tits . We met each other and sat down . Rajesh and Priya were facing me with their back towards the restaurant . Since it was late there weren 't many people in the restaurant . We ordered for a round of drinks and started to chat . Rajesh was telling Priya about the masti we all did in college and what a brat I was but was liked by all especially the girls . I noticed she was really thirsty and by the time I had taken 3 sips of my whisky she had already drowned her vodka . I ordered another round and we continued to chat . In some time all were happy as the alcohol was now taking its toll and we all were laughing and feeling light . Priya was a fast drinker and she was on her 5th large vodka . The conversation was now on the affairs we all had in college and Rajesh was telling Priya how big a flirt I was and how many girls I had bedded in college itself . He also told her about a time when he accidentally walked on me when I was making out with a girl in our college buildings roof . He had actually gone there to take a joint . I could see all this time that Priya was enjoying the conversation and lately she was jerking a little . I accidentally dropped my fork and bent down to pick it up and peered under the table and was taken a back as priya was not wearing any panties and Rajesh was fingering her . It was a site to see . She had a clean pussy absolutely smooth which was glistering with her love juices and a mans fingure was ravishing it . When I came back up priya smiled at me and said did I like what I saw . I was taken a back and blurted out something silly . Alcohol was at its best speaking now . She then pulled her shirts zip down exposing her ample breasts with lovely brown nipples right there in the restaurant and said how do you find my boobs . I was just taken aback and could not believe what I was seeing and what I was saying . She kept flashing and rubbing her toes up my ankle and even stretched her toes to stroke my now fully erect dick under the table . Rajesh apparently was getting a kick doing this and I felt he wanted to get back to me on the college incidence when he saw me make out with a girl and I did not encourage him to join . I guess this was his revenge on me . It was getting late and we decided to split . I signed the bill to my room and walked them out of the hotel to their car . Rajesh was so drunk that he was finding it difficult to open the car door . Priya was so horny and was fondling Rajesh and was flashing on and off . When Rajesh was struggling with the car door I saw Priya open his zip and take his erect cock out and started stroking it . I could see pre cum glistering on the tip of his cock . She pumped his dick for some time and scooped out the pre cum in between her thumb and first fingure and took it in her mouth . All this while I was looking at her with my jaw open and tongue touching the road . She then bent and started sucking Rajesh right there in the open paring lot . Rajesh was taking rest on his car and Priya was half bent sucking his fully erect dick . I was standing behind Priya and they were at it as if I did not exist . I kept looking at her for some time then just lost it . Took out my cock and started to rub it in the parking lot . I then moved behind Priya and pulled her skirt up to her waist exposing her ass to me . I could see her pussy totally wet and inviting and her pink arse hole also visible . I just put my finger in her pussy and started fingere fucking her with one hand and stroking my erect dick with the other . Her pussy was so attractive and inviting that I lost control and in one swift motion inserted full 7 inches of my monster into her . The minute I entered her I felt her grasp for air and I guess she bit Rajesh a little harder as he squirmed and opened his eyes . He I guess did not expect the game to take this turn but it was too late to do any thing . I started the piston action fucking Priya from the back side and kept my pace increasing . I must have gone for a couple of minutes and was ready to shoot . I just took out my cock and started rubbing it up her arse crack and then I shot my load to the longest distance possible ( for me , actually saw it flying out for the first time ) . Some of it landed on Priyas shirt , some on her hair and a couple of drops actually traveled all the way crossing her and sticking on Rajesh 's shirt . I kept on cumming and cumming on her back . Then I saw Rajesh also squealing and I presume he shot his load into her mouth . Priya turned around and I saw some cum dropping out of her mouth on to her shirt . She pulled her zipper and smiled . Rajesh still was not in a position to drive his car so I suggested let us all go to my room and we can sleep there . Whenever he is ready to drive he can leave . Rajesh wanted to go but the we convinced him as this was not the right thing to do . We moved to my room and raided the mini bar . Priya just removed her shirt and skirt and sat on the bed stark naked as she said she did not like wearing anything when she slept . I took the cue and took off my clothes stating the same reason . Rajesh by that time was almost out and he took off his clothes and just collapsed . We were sitting on the bed and drinking and I was with a huge booner , I cupped my cock with my hand and started moving my hand up and down gently messaging my erect dick . I was watching her head get closer to my cock . She reached out and put her fingers around the head of my cock . Her fingers slowly moved down my cock replacing mine . She grabbed me tightly and moved her hand up and down my cock squeezing as she did so . I could not talk . I could feel it building up in me and said you have to stop or it is going to start squirting ! , she said u cannot and stopped . She scooted up with her back to me . I tentatively put my arm across her hips with my hand on her stomach . She took my hand and slid it up to her breasts . I could feel a nipple getting bigger under my fingers . Her breast felt nice . She snuggled her butt up against me . My hard - on and the head of my cock was very wet and slippery . Her moving her butt around did not help my condition . I moved my hips forward against her and my cock slid between her thighs . It felt so hot there . I slowly moved my hips back and forth rubbing my cock against the inside of her thighs . I felt I would explode any second . I had to slow down . I rolled a bit off my side so I was partially on my back and slowly pulled one of Priya 's legs over mine so it bent at the knee . I reached over and found my cock between her legs and started rubbing it back and forth against her pussy . I pushed the purple head my cock disappeared inside of her . It felt so hot and tight . I sank deeper into her . I felt her move back against me and heard her moan . I moved my hands around her and cupped each of her breasts . I gave them a gentle squeeze and then began rubbing my palms in circles on her nipples . She moaned louder and arched her back . I turned her around on her all fours and pounded the daylighlts out of her . Since I had come some time ago I could go on for long but then I took out my cock and turned her over . I wanted to feel her lips around my dick . She obliged and took the dick in her sweet and hot mouth . She was oops is an amazing cock sucker . She just took the entire 7 - ½ inches in her mouth and I could feel the back of her throat against the tip of my cock . I was in heaven . She just sucked and cupped my balls which felt they were about to explode . I wanted to fuck her more so I laid down and asked her to mount me . She straddled me and with one hand held my cock and sat on it . I just loved to see the cock again disappear into her . She started to rock and was rocking furiously . I then felt her getting tense and her cunt muscles contract against my dick and I knew she is going to be rocked with a powerful orgasm . She just collapsed on me . After some time when she had caught her breath back she lightly rocked against me with a magical smile on her face of extreme satisfaction . I then felt something touching my cock first I thought it was her fingure but later on realized now Rajesh was up and was sticking his dick into her with mine already in . It was a kinda weird feeling of another cock rubbing against my dick . He also realized he was not making any headway into the tight pussy so he started applying pressure on her arse hole and started pushing his dick in there . She was loving it and encouraging Rajesh to stick it in . I was now thinking of all the Porn movies I had seen of double penetration and this was actually happening with me one of the participants . It was surely exiting . Rajesh managed to stick his dick all in her and was moving it . It was a strange feeling and I could not hold myself any longer . I started squirting deep in her and kept it in till Rajesh pumped her and also came in her ass . All of us collapsed after that and slept . This is my first story so am sorry for any mistake . Without wasting any time lets come to the story . This incident took place in December 2015 it was Christmas holiday for me and that time I was 18 year old and I had a friend her name is Ruhi ( name changed ) she had a bf and was in relation from past 1 and half year but from last 1 / 2 month she was upset and was not talking to me much You are damn cute I would like to eat you up all night and she started to kiss on my lips . The moment she kissed my lips I lost all my senses and started smooching her grabbing from her waist and she started rolling her hands over my thighs and pants . She didn 't have huge pair of boobs but though it was handful about 32 her waist was thin about 28 .

I say " disturbing " because I was under the false impression that if I just kept running , I 'd be on the only one left to win the bling . Ha ha ha ! Oh , contraire . Something happens to us when we " grow up . " We believe lies . We think we 're past our prime . We think sport is just for the more talented or for those girls who played varsity sports in college . We stop walking and running and pushing ourselves athletically . " It 's too late . We 've missed it , blown our chance , and I never even played a sport in high school , let alone as a mom . " Maybe we believe the lie because for many many years , it 's hard to do anything but work hard and nurture hard . There doesn 't seem to be any left over for us . This is where our ingenuity must kick in . We have to do squats while folding laundry , perform calf raises while vacuuming the stairs , get in some arm circles while in our work cubicle , skip lunch with colleagues to walk around the block . Staying at home doesn 't make it easier . There were always babies saying , " You want to work out in peace and quiet ? Get real ! " ( good thing they 're so cute . ) How many times did I look like a dork trying to run up a hill pushing a stroller while mixing in lunges and swinging my legs for hip mobility ? The baby was always screaming and I 'd be throwing cheerios down at her while gasping out a Cinderella or Peter Pan story all the while experiencing milk letdown . Oh yeah , I was a beauty out there with my stroller . And than there were days where it was just too much energy to dress the baby and myself and a toddler in all those layers when it was so cold . There were many many days of missed workouts . But I also knew this : a little goes a long way . So over the years I tried to get a little bit here , a little bit there . I felt slow in my 20s and even slower in my early 30s . There were times when I couldn 't run more than a mile without stopping to walk , when I was just too tired and it was too late to get on the elliptical . But there were other times that I did . How serendipitous it was to find running buddies ( bless you ! ) , an awesome running watch ( bff for life ! ) , a few 5ks while dear husband watched children . I played indoor and outdoor soccer on a real team for as long as I could . One year the season started when Nelson was just two months and I had to bring him with me because I was nursing . I remember running onto the field to join my teammates and they turned around and started clapping . That moment still makes me want to weep , it meant so much . Sisters cheering for their sisters ! I remember Meredith and I getting permission to bring a big Hogwarts bus to one of our soccer games so all of our kids would fit . We laughed like crazy and I nursed Nelson behind a tree during halftime , all sweaty and gross ! ( sorry , Nellie boy for that image 🙂 ) . I remember thinking at the time , " what the heck am I doing ? ? ? " But a voice was saying : just keep your foot in the game . I was slower , underweight , had looser joints and was severely sleep deprived . There was also the pleasure of milk letdown while trapping a throw in . Heavens . It was worth it . God gave me this body and when I was running down that field I felt His pleasure ( to paraphrase a hero , Eric Liddel . ) As my kids grew older and my own hobbies and teams took a back seat , I volunteered to coach because I loved the game and wanted to spend time with my children . I also hoped it would keep me in shape . It helped . I make the effort to keep playing summer soccer at least once a week with my children , even as they overtake me in speed and touch . But I can 't stop . I have role models out on the field inspiring me , and yes , maybe I too can be that person for someone else . I feel this huge surge of pride every time I take the field . No , I 'm not first , not the quickest , and can 't get that shot off as fast as I use to , but no matter . Console yourself with these words : at least you 're out there . We hear all sorts of negativity : " you 're going to slow down , " " you 're going to get old and your knees will hurt , " and " things change after 40 . " Yeah , the body changes , but life isn 't even close to over at 40 . It 's not over at your wedding . It 's not over when you get pregnant . It 's not over when you have your first baby or your fifth . You 'll have to work to " get back , " but didn 't you have to work when you were 15 ? I tell you what , I 'm way faster and can run way farther than I ever could at 15 . Two weekends ago I ran the Cape Cod half - marathon . Robin is a veteran runner with dozen of halfs and full marathons behind her . She 's 48 , my friends , and she 's still going at it ! My sister - in - law , Jill , is 44 and just finished her FIRST half marathon , running under 2 hours ! So impressive . This is only the beginning . One of the most rewarding parts of sports as a mom is having your children cheer you on , an odd but needful reversal of of roles . Yes , mom has legs . Yes , mom has hobbies . Yes , mom has interests others than chore charts . Yes , mom is a person ! Mom kindof rocks . Jill came through the finish line blowing kisses to her daughters and husband - it was SO cool . " Wow , mom just ran 13 . 1 miles ! " Remember all those mornings when she got up before we were up to get in her training run before she had to help us pack a lunch and drive us to school before she could even eat or take a shower ? Wow , GO MOM . This moment ? So empowering . I ran the Cape Cod half with my friend , Eric , in mind . Eric is in the late stages of ALS and cannot move any part of his body except to blink , speak some , and move his fingers . We stayed with Eric 's parents at the cape and when I was out there on the road , I thought of Eric . What would he give to be able to run just once more ? Maybe we should move just because we CAN . Stats from the Cape Cod half were eye - opening . There were 1 , 307 female runners . Of the top ten female finishers , four were in their 20s ( 29 , 29 , 24 ) . Four were in their 30s ( 33 , 34 , 32 , 33 ) , one was 49 , and one was 52 ! They all ran super close races , too . The first place 29 - year - old ran a 1 : 16 : 52 ; 5 : 49 minute / mile splits for 13 . 1 miles - wicked fast ! Overall , the women 39 and under ran faster than women in their 40s ; but the 40s , 50s , and 60 - year - olds were still competitive . Sidney Letendre , a 62 - year - old ran a 1 : 40 : 31 ; 7 : 40 minute mile splits ! And Nancy Spiro , age 74 , ran a 2 : 15 : 39 . Of course , these are the top finishers in their age group , but there were many many more runners post - 40 runner . Incredible . Inspirational . Think it 's all talent ? Oh no . It 's time and training . Which is good news for us all : we can all do it . Don 't think it 's going to get easier when " the kids are older . " Twice a week I run at 5 , not because I want to but because it 's the only time I can fit it in . It 's kindof horrible . But I 'm realizing life is not slowing down anytime soon , and tomorrow has a way of turning into never . There is only today . A few years ago I emailed running coach , Jason Fitzgerald of strengthrunning . com , to ask if he knew if their women in their 40s were running faster than women in their 20s and 30s , or if I was making this up . We couldn 't come up with any scientific answers except anecdotally . In our 20s and young 30s , women tend to be in the pregnancy and child rearing years , taking them out of the competition stage . But what I love about that , is that many are coming back to run or starting to run for the first time in their later 30s or early 40s . Next time you 're at a race , check the stats - women in their 40s and 50s are getting after it . I write this post as an anthem to YOU ! To women . Your life is not over at 20 , at 30 , not 40 or 70 . Not by a long shot . Your knees might creak a bit more ( stretch your butt ! ) and you might need more of a warm - up than you did at 14 . You may get sidelined for awhile . You might even need a knee or hip replacement and you might have battled a cancer scare , but I tell you what , I know a lot of women who can walk and run and bike farther and faster than many many kids . It 's not because they 're the " lucky ones . " It 's not all that mysterious . It 's because they 're putting in a little bit of time , a little bit of dedication to use that amazing body of theirs . Okay . Now go schedule something . Put it on the calendar . Make your friend sign up too and you 've got an accountability buddy instead of a wish . Go get it . If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be . Now put the foundations under them . - Henry David Thoreau 4 Replies This was the weekend of two girls running , me and my Brynnie . When all the training from the last several days , weeks , months , and years culminated into something golden . That 's what running is : a very personal affair . When the 5 a . m . morning runs are worth it . Because often , at 4 : 30 a . m . , they definitely don 't feel worth it . The is a " wishful thinking " sunrise . These days , we start in the dark and end in the dark , running only by the light of the headlamp . When I asked Brynne to join me she said , " NO WAY . " I 'm particularly grateful as Me and the Training Table were best friends a month ago : We spent quality time together , with our amazing friend and athletic trainer , Kelly . She got my IT band back to cooperating . I was made to roll on the foam roller , stretch , strengthen , ice , and stem . Geez , am I getting older ? Stem is when you get hooked up and shocked with electrodes . It feels like little needles poking at you . Electric currents stimulate the muscles around your injury and interrupt the pain signals , reducing inflammation and swelling . At one point last month I was in so much pain I could not run at all , and could only walk with a limp , eating ibuprofen for lunch . Oh , those were the dog days of September . The upside of being sick or injured is the humility , and the reminder that we are lucky to have such miraculous bodies that know how to heal . It 's magic . I remember one afternoon when I I could finally run across the soccer field , I wanted to sing - song like Buddy the Elf , I love my legs and I don 't care who knows it ! Being injured is hard . I 'm so impatient . I worry I 'm losing all the training . Would I ever run again ? Could I go on living if I couldn 't run ? Drama queen . Meanwhile , Brynne was doing her thing , training every day with her cross - country team . She 's only in 6th grade , but lucky to be coached by fabulous coaches who live and breathe running and correct training principles . The improvement made in mere weeks leaves me in awe . It once again solidifies everything I know about achieving anything : it 's ALL about the training . Brynne suffered some setbacks too . Sometimes she had pain in her hamstrings , knees , and gluts ( gotta stretch the butt ! ) We both focused on eating well , drinking more water , smoothies for breakfast , protein at every meal , and getting sleep . When you run a half - marathon , the long run is the most important run of the week . Ideally , you run at least a couple of 10 or 12 - milers . I was lucky to get two ten - milers in with my running buddy the last two weekends before the race . The first 10 - miler I was limping afterward . The second time , after a lot of glut stretching , I was feeling good . Well , I sure was going to try ! October 24th was our day . My race was at Cape Cod , at 7 : 30 a . m . Luckily , Brynne 's state meet was on the way home , in the afternoon . I could finish my run and find my way to my girl in New Hampshire . All the stars would align , right ? While we were driving , my Cope , OUT AT SEA , called … her only phone call of the whole trip ! What a treat . She 's well . She 's happy . The hurricanes and whales are cooperating . Man , I can 't wait to see her . I drove to the Cape with my friend , Robin , who likes to run half - marathons on her birthday . How awesome is that ? We arrived in Falmouth on Friday night and were greeted by the sweetest hosts ever : Leonard & Patty ! Patty made us a delicious mac ' n cheese and apple cobbler before we were tucked into our matching twin beds at 9pm that overlooked the water . The 1890 house ( with lovely wallpaper ! ) was dreamy and made me want to stay and write a novel . But first I had to run . One of the most anticipated moments of any race is how good the shirt is . The Cape Cod Half gets an A + + + . Love me this tech - shirt . Fabulous fish . It was an early start , chilly and overcast - perfect running weather . The course was flat and curved out by the water , with friendly crowds and many water stops . My goal was to run a 1 : 45 which meant steady 8 min / miles . Sub 8s would be a home run . I glanced at my watch only a couple of times , wanting to run by feel . The lasts three miles are always the toughest , but just as I began the last mile one of my favorite childhood songs came on : Xanadu . I felt the same happiness and sense of possibility I did when I was rollerskating in the dark basement when I was 10 : ) . Birthday girl Robin came soon after . We hugged . And all was right in the world . Who 's in for next year with us ? ? ? ? These thermal wraps were terrific I love to watch a finisher 's face . The pain and joy is always apparent . Let me tell you something else , ladies . I could not have run a 1 : 44 time in my teen years or my 20s because I had not paid the training price . I remember when a 5k felt like a killer . I remember when I had to walk during 8 - milers and ten miles seemed totally impossible . Talent and health was there , but not the time and training . I really love watching a woman realize her potential late in life - because it 's never too late ! We arrived to see these girls at the start line , just beginning their warm - ups . Aren 't they glorious ? And then the gun fired ! Anxiety turned to exhilaration . Love these girls and their determination . Brynne is # 80 . " I look so desperate , " she said . Yeah , sometimes that 's how it feels . She ran a 2 - miler and it was hard but she finished strong . I couldn 't be more proud of the effort . Two Girls Running . And Paigey there to cheer us on ! Soon , I suspect she 'll be running girl # 3 . We headed home on a cold Saturday evening , exhausted , relieved , glad the day was done . And started talking about the next one … 21 Replies Oh , there is going to be lots of food consumed on Thursday - I can 't wait ! A couple new recipes to try and of course the old favorites , but you know what will make your holiday a little more … joyful ? A pair of running shoes . Yes . Because this is what happens every single year : " I 'm going to be healthier . I 'm just going to eat lettuce . Maybe just one more piece of pie . Oh , I really shouldn 't , but look how good that cookie looks ? I feel sick . I feel bloated . My gut hurts . I wish I wouldn 't eat so much crap . I 'll be better after the holidays . Maybe January 1st . It 's too cold to exercise . " So I thought shoes would be the best thing to write about today . If you don 't have a good pair , just go spend the money and get some . Your health is worth it . Here is what I 'm wearing right now ( yes , all four pairs ) : Asics Gel Cumulus . Marathon Glenn got me into this shoe . The professorial husband also swears by them . And has lost 60lbs in two years . He 's dreamy . The shoe is cushy . Stable . A little heavy , but I like these . Don 't go cheap Asics . That 's how I got plantar fasciitis that one year . Side view . There is lots of controversy over " minimalist " versus cushion , but if you go minimal , I also suggest a shoe like this that you can switch in and out of to get used to the no heel thingy . Bet your health plan will also cover some of the cost of this . Good traction for cold weather runningI alternate between four pairs of shoes . If my joints are a little achy or I 'm not going that far , I wear these : Nike Dual Fusion ST 2 . I haven 't worn Nike since college , but I loves this exceptionally cushiony pair and got them pretty cheap at an outlet . They 're also light and breathable . Oh , how I love my Newtons ! These are the " Distance " shoes . I wear these when I want to go a little faster and whenever I 'm in a race . They are super light and breathable . I 've hung on to the pair for way too long . See how worn out the outer part of the sole ? I look for a Newton shoe that comes with the word " stability . " Newton is awesome about showing videos and walking you through the process of buying a shoe . Newtons are super expensive and they wear more quickly . However , I 've gotten them for a good price ( under $ 75 ) if I buy through a fireman ( they get a discount ) or at the end of the season . You can also get 10 % off by signing up for the Newton newsletter . But again , if I 'm going to put money into " beauty , " this is where I put it 🙂 They are also super funky on the bottom . These are " lugs " that propel you forward ever so slightly . I 'm a believer ! This is my new pair of Newtons thanks to my buddy , SWant some more options ? I 've written about Brooks , Kayanos , Nike , and Newton ( and show some pretty funky pictures of my toes when you DON ' T wear the right shoe ! Ow ! ) Here 's the thing : We are in charge of our health . No one is going to do it for us . Once it 's wrecked ? It 's hard to get back . Now for the fun part . My friend Sarah asked me if I wanted to do a Holiday Streaker . No , not a naked thing , but a exercise streak ! Between Thanksgiving and New Year 's Day we exercise the equivalent of a 1 mile run every single day . It 's easy ! Right ? ( if you want to grab that image above , grab it ! ) You can bike , walk , run , push a stroller , yoga - whatever ! Just exercise every single day . Bet you can run a mile in under 12 minutes . That 's it ! I 'm telling you , if we do this TOGETHER we 're going to feel so much better about starting 2015 . AND , if we do it TOGETHER we are much more likely to actually complete the challenge . Why You Need That Winter Running Buddy ( that 's me ! we can be virtual buddies ! ) So , if you are IN , leave me a comment so we can be accountable to each other ! If we do it , we can have some sort of funky blog or facebook badge . Cool , right ? Before meeting with kids at schools , we stopped in at the offices of Foulger - Pratt . These boys are Gregor 's former college roommates at BYU . We love these good boys . It 's been years and years since we 've seen each other , but time had hardly seemed to pass at all . They said we looked exactly the same , but I wonder , are we getting older ? That night we went to a school to speak about Hogwarts . This admissions trip is vastly different than NYC . And it has everything to do with culture , family , and money . I felt so incredibly blessed to have good schools for my kids , that I 'm not attending school fairs to get my child out of a terrible district with underfunded schools that don 't even have paper ! I love Hogwarts with all my heart and I wish everyone got a howler - but wouldn 't it be better if every single community made education a top priority and no one had to go outside their community to get a top - rate education ? Sigh . School systems are tricky and sticky . My tour guide was a little … fast . My tour was more like an interval sprint as I kept stopping to take pictures of what could be a once - in - a - lifetime - moment ( ! ) and then had to sprint back up to my tour guide who was still running ! I needed to work on speed anyway . So much history in this place . It took me a few trips to enjoy NYC , but I loved D . C . right away . Of course I was in a very clean and well - kept area , but the city had a clean , cool vibe . The Red Cross , inscribed with : " In Memory of the Heroic Women of the Civil War . " Love that . Wicked Cool The Washington Monument was built to honor George Washington , the first president of the United States . It 's a 555 - foot marble obelisk tower overlooking D . C . Found this in the middle of the National Mall . Made me feel right at home . Department of Commerce And I stood where Martin stood : This is where Dr . King gave his famous " I Have a Dream " speech , from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on August 28 , 1963 . The next year , the Civil Rights Act was passed . Five years later he would be assassinated . The Lincoln Monument . We arrived sweating and tired from running up the stairs . It 's worth all the steps you 'll ever have to climb . In the middle of a work week in the middle of October , hundreds of tourists were taking pictures . It was striking - most were foreign speaking . Of all the places they could go on vacation , they came to America , the capitol of the United States to take pictures of the symbols and monuments we have built to represent freedom and equality . While waiting , an old man came out . His name is Walter Ray . He was " just writing down some song lyrics . " And this guy , he 's like 80 - years - old and he 's got civil rights history ! He 's written songs for " I don 't know who all , " including the The Manhattans . Walter Ray has two children , Roz and Walter Ray Jr . They are both lawyers . Roz has represented Bill Cosby , Kris Kross , Johnny Cochran - there was an entire wall of autographed photos , including Roz and Hilary Clinton . Walter Ray jr showed up and we went for crab cakes and talked " business . " Walter looks like this laid - back , casual guy who you may not glance twice at . But he runs a non - profit to help kids go to school . When he starts talking I start taking notes . He knows every basketball stat there is , and connections to everyone in the city . He hints at political " rats " and scandals , of people who are " distractions to the kids who could actually be somethin ' and you guys is the problem ! Masquerading like you 're all that . Rats ! " He says , " Satan has a team ! " He says that the best don 't always rise - " most of ' em are in the pen . " Kids , he says , need someone to believe in them . And this of course is where strong families come in . After that we headed to Virginia to meet kids at a school . I took pictures of the art on the wall - how cool is this ? It was done by artist - in - resident Stephen Parlato . I was so inspired , again wishing that all kids could get an education with an artist like this . We raced to the BMI , stopping to drop off our car rental , take a shuttle , grab some dinner , get through security , shove dinner in mouth , and hop on a plane for an hour and a half . We landed in Manchester NH at midnight and drove an hour home . We were greeted by dear grandmother who had watched our children for two days , played chauffeur , fed darlings , AND kept the house clean . I tell ya , we 've got it good . The next morning was a full day at Hogwarts as it was parent 's weekend . I walked around campus with my daughter , thinking of this opportunity she has . Not only is there magic , spells , and arithmetic , there are people who love her , take care of her , encourage her " to rise . " Fifty years ago the civil rights act was passed , and though we still have problems and society isn 't perfect , we 've come along way , haven 't we ? I 'm optimistic for the future . As Walter says , " the best don 't rise unless there 's someone tellin ' ' em what 's up . " But it was great to be there , too . If you 've ever wanted to fly across the country to run 26 . 2 miles I mean , who doesn 't ? ? ? consider the tale of of Mommy who hates to leave home . Mommy had to be brave . Last Friday morning I awoke at 4 a . m . and drove to the airport in the pitch black , headed toward a race . After four months of training through the coldest and snowiest New England winter ever , it was finally here . I was excited for the adventure , feeling both invincible and like a complete hypochondriac . In flight , every sneeze , cough , and possible measles contamination was aimed at me . Every step was a potential fall and twist of an ankle . The day before I left Paige had a possible and contagious ( ! ) case of strep throat and Brynne had cried , bursting out that she thought my plane was going to crash . I took two of Paige 's antibiotics and hoped it covered both scenarios . I know . It was bad of me . I still feel guilty . And probably killed all good gut flora . Of course I had to take pictures , marveling at the Sky Guy 's great work . I read about the Boston Marathon , just two days after SLC . I read about all the spectators who lost limbs . How hard this year has been . I read about the little boy who wrote about peace , then died because of that stupid , senseless bomb . I read about the heroes . And try not to weep . I close my eyes and imagine a finish line . # BostonStrong now feels intrinsically tied to this thing Marathon Glenn and I are about to do . We land at the base of the Rockies . It 's just wow . My rock star sister picks me up and takes me to the expo where we serendipitously run into Marathon Glenn and family . Destiny ! Glenn is my brother - in - law , the optimist , the instigator of this race , the inspiration for us all . He 's driven eight hours with his family and flown me across the country with a flight voucher when he could have gone to Disney ! Just so we can run 26 . 2 miles the next day . It 's a little … wacky ? Yeah , and we 're almost jumping up and down with excitement . We eat free yogurt , try on race headbands . This is Finny ! We pick up our bib numbers , 689 and 690 out of 5000 runners and cyclists . The nerves build . But so does energy and this feeling that we 're almost there . We once again discuss strategy , hills , altitude , and correct fuel . We pick a conservative strategy : start slow and if there is anything left at mile 20 , go for it . That night the gear is carefully laid out ; part of mental preparation . Wicking socks , shorts , shirt , bib number with four pins . 2 vanilla GUs and 1 salted caramel , GU belt , Body Glide , hair bands , watch . Tunes . And then . The Shoes - pretty run fasters ! That night each one of my brothers texts , sends a YouTube video , or emails . Sisters - in - law , New England running buddy and I exchange emails and well wishes . I feel surrounded by love . My mom and dad call , wishing they were with me . They are . Sleep comes , though I glance at the clock every few hours . Finally we arise at 5 with no need for an alarm . Peanut butter and banana for breakfast . I can hardly get it down . It feels like the dead of night when Sister drops us off . Glenn and I walk past the parked Bomb Squad van . Can you believe this ? Then there is the line of port - a - potties . Which is good since I visit the potties five times beforehand . The body is amazingly good at knowing . The last picture before the outer wear comes off , and one last pit stop . I find a tree . Don 't care . At this point it 's akin to childbirth . We head toward the start and the national anthem is sung live . The crowd swells toward the start . Out of the 5000 racers , only 888 are running the full marathon . The rest will do the half or cycle . I wonder why ? Do they know something I don 't ? Marathon Glenn gives me a fist pump . Go gettem ' . So we try . See you at the finish line ! The first 5 miles come easily . Time flies as I run without music , wanting to save it for when I really need it . There are some downhills . Love that . I run through water stops the first few times . Police officers , EMTS , the Bomb Squad , the firemen ; all of them arose at 3 a . m . so we could do this . Geez , we 're blessed . The whole first half I 'm holding myself back , whoa Nellie ! I make myself go slow , wondering if altitude or the hills are going to kick my butt . We have studied the map countless times . Miles 6 - 15 are the hills . But mile 9 - 10 is supposed to be the big one . Streets are blocked off so the race is pretty quiet . The sun is coming up over the mountains and I run toward the light . Until we turn and are left in the shadows with hills to climb . I feel utterly alone . Me against myself . We pass a church and I ponder the word Grace , a topic I 've been obsessed with for months . We casually fling out phrases like , " by the grace of God " but I 'm just starting to get it . Grace is his strength , something bigger than what we can do on our own . This is what I 'm going to need - some Grace . More than me . Many of my friends tell me that when they run , they talk to God , Allah , or Buddah , or the great unknown Universe . I nod enthusiastically - I thought it was just me ! Our words are different , but our meaning is the same . We pray for Grace out there , mile after mile , because this is when you begin to suffer . You descend , are humbled by this really hard thing - whether it 's to run one or 26 miles . You somehow know that you 're just not going to get it done on your own . Humility brings you to your knees . As my legs move and my feet hit the pavement I think of all the people who wish they could run . You GET to run this race . You have legs ! You 're so lucky . But I also know - it 's not just a gift . Every single mile is earned . It 's Grit . And woo - wee , Grit combined with Grace is an unstoppable combination . You give what you 've got and he 's going to give you back a little bit more . You stop asking the wrong questions . Instead of asking for more , you say , please help me run my best race . I see Kim twice , with little Tate and Finn . I 'm so happy to see them . I realize I have never been alone . All these runners and spectators are running with me . It 's deep , cathartic . There are so many meanings with each mile marker . So we run and we suffer together . Mile 20 and I 'm not feeling the final kick I was hoping for . I 'm asking , where are the downhills ? ? ? The map indicated downhill ! They don 't come . Those final miles are just about holding on as the sun beats down . I look down at my watch . I 've got to hang on . You came for a Personal Record ( PR ) . Now RUN ! Oh , I try . I run through the pain until finally , the finish line looms . I can hear my brother - in - law cheering , see my sister in tears . Because that 's what finish lines do to us . It 's a genetic thing . We cry . I wobble through the finish line and see Ashley . She ran a full marathon four months pregnant and looks like she took a lovely stroll in the park . I whimper something that sounds like congratulations ! She 's amazing . Four months pregnant . I find Marathon Glenn ! He beats his PR by 25 whole minutes - HUGE ! I 'm so proud of him , even though this picture says , I still feel like throwing up . But strangely , it 's kind of an awesome feeling . As sister and family go to an Easter egg hunt , I shower and rest . I am terribly homesick , wondering how to stow myself in the wheel compartment of an airplane . But then Daddy calls and tells me that the stomach bug hit the house . I ditch the stowaway plan in a heartbeat second . Daddy says this makes me sound bad 🙂 Okay , so here 's random picture in the middle of marathon weekend . That night I recover by going to a Brandon Mull signing . Cool ! I want to interrogate him on his writing process , but am hardly coherent . I just snap a photo . He 's really nice . Even as I droop around the Fablehaven display . That night the sun sets over the mountains . We sit for hours as my sister shows me her garden plans , the newly plowed soil . Her husband Curt makes me the most delicious tomato soup and I 'm such a pig I eat almost the whole pot . ( recipe coming ! ) My sister chases her kids , calls them in for bed , snuggles them , stays up late making gluten - free Easter muffins . In many ways , my life is just easier than hers because I feel good and her stomach always hurts . Yet she just keeps on going , being a mother to five children , running her own race on a different course . She says she 's proud of me . I say I 'm proud of her . So it 's win - win 🙂 The trees are in full bloom in Utah on Easter Sunday . The kids call me from their sick beds and give me all the important news - I threw up at church ! Three times ! Poor Daddy is running his very own marathon , too … The next morning I board the plane , and come back to where I came from . Thousands of miles across the sky . Parking is paid and I drive the 45 miles home , on highway that turns into country roads . Mommy ! ! ! I missed you sooo much ! " Did you win ? " they shout . I laugh . One person actually wins a marathon . And I stand in awe . But for the rest of us , we hang a finisher 's metal around our necks . " Yes . We won . BECAUSE WE FINISHED . " We hug , kiss , and then they run to the backyard to finish a baseball game . Daddy has made dinner . I swoon with gratitude . Never in my life have I been so happy to unload the dishwasher . I do a load of laundry . Mom is home . 8 Replies In 10 days I will be running with Marathon Glenn . Finally . It 's been the longest , coldest , and darkest four months of winter running . Ever . Oh how fondly I remember this day . When the running program said " Run 15 miles . " But the roads apparently ignored the memo and were covered with ice and snow . Um , hello ? ? I showed up and this is what you 're giving me to work with ? ? We had to wear fluorescent running vests so we wouldn 't be mistaken for deer , so cars driving in the dark could see us . We had to wear hats , mittens , face masks . We often had to wear head lamps to even see the road , and then it became so cold and slippery , that the run had to wait for the sun . Running buddy will go east and run in the famed Boston which , after last year 's tragedy , is going to be the greatest marathon the city has ever seen , with the fastest qualifying times ever recorded . Where American runner and Boston runner , Shalane Flanagan , will seek redemption . She wants to win it bad . For all of us . We 're all looking to prove something to ourselves , that all the training over four long winter months was worth it . It 's a funny thing , this hard thing . You can run your guts out , throw up at the finish line , and say , " that was awesome . " 2 Replies We are bundled up in the house today - It 's a snow day ! It 's like Christmas , the children bouncing out of bed in the wee hours of the morning . There was a dart fight , polly pockets , barbies , Pinterest browsing , a rowdy game of tag - all before 9 a . m . Then I made them feed the chickens , clean up the one million darts and polly pieces , and practice the piano because it 's not really Christmas and I 'm mean like that . I like snow , but I 'm sorry , winter … it 's time we spend some time apart . Thankfully we have the Olympics . Shaun White , Nick ! , Julia Mancuso , the Russians pairs last night ! Heartbreak and Jubilation . I love it all , stay up way too late , and often fall asleep on the couch . It 's so cold the hens don 't want to leave their coop . I don 't fault them for this as I try to never leave the house . They also stop laying as much unless they have light . Even a regular lightbulb will encourage laying . I find that fascinating ! Here 's my girl getting her basketball on . This is really her first time playing on a team except one short stint in elementary . She is proud of the eight points she has scored this season ! Sadly , she got a concussion two weeks ago and is out of play for a bit . This also means I haul the hay . Nelson is also a baller . My heart jumps and sinks with every swoosh in the net , and near - basket that only almost goes in . I watch his face light up when coach puts him in . I tell you , small moments mean so much . They can live for months on a game - changing play , when all their buddies slap them on the back . The reverse is true , too . Oh , the emotion of the game ! Here Nellie boy tries out for a summer AAU team . My heart was pounding , both of us sweating with anticipation … please don 't cut my boy ! Oh , it 's hard for a middle school boy who lives for sports . He 's small , but runs his guts out . He made the team 🙂 Thank you , Coach ! When it 's too cold to go outside , we pay money to give our mother multiple heart attacks . Here Brynne flips at a local gym . I hate this . I just do . Paige finds a quiet place to read . In the closet . Sometimes you just have to carve out your own space , don 't you ? Valentine making for the big day tomorrow . However , another storm in coming , followed by freezing rain , followed by another winter storm . Pounding ! The girls are very sad not to go for their valentine party 🙁 And I can 't make my fruit heart . Wah ! Knowing the storm was coming , I had to get my long run in this morning . Thankfully my running buddy is back ! Our run went from cold to enjoyable to grueling as the storm began to chase us down the road . The snow under our feet made the miles feel like we were running in sand , making our hamstrings and calves burn with lactic acid . At 15 degrees , it was so cold , that my left hand went numb by mile 11 . I knew I was going to pay dearly for it . Even with a hat and a face warmer , our hair and faces were covered with frost . So grueling . I wasn 't so sure , walking into the house and collapsing on a pile of polly pocket pieces and Lala Loopsies . My hand was hurting so badly I thought I had frostbite and it was going to fall off . Remember being a little kid and your hands were so cold they hurt ? Cope has no memory of this ever happening to her . Gloves must be made better these days . The thawing out process produced many painful sounds and noises from my mouth as I rolled around on the carpet , finally finding solace parked in front of the fireplace until I could feel my fingers . The children stared at me , eyes wide , wondering what their mother had turned into . They scurried to procure chocolate milk and peanut butter . Rendered useless . Though it was hard , I 'm grateful I have legs to run down winter roads . It seems like just yesterday that I was nursing babies or terribly sleep - deprived from changing wet beds in the middle of the night , and all I needed was a little break to walk down the road , some fresh air and sunshine . Now , my babes are old enough to take care of each other while I go traverse country roads in the snow . If you aren 't there yet , don 't worry . Enjoy your stage . Shawni reminds me that Life is Long . There is a season for everything . It does occur to me that perhaps you will never look forward to running in snow … I begged Cope to give me this wrist band . I wear it at all times , to remind me that spring will be here soon , and I will be glad for the miles run when I meet the Rocky Mountains in April . Sometimes , to feel inspired , I listen to Martin Luther King 's last speech , I Have Been to the Mountain Top . I have been to the mountaintop … and I have seen the promised land ! I say YES ! jump around the room , wondering if husband will be as thrilled as I . That night , dreams of marathon running swirl in my head . Dreams of running at the base of the Rocky Mountains … dreams of qualifying for Boston after the last failed attempt . What was I thinking ? What did I just commit to ? I can 't do this ! How can I train for four months in the winter in NEW HAMPSHIRE ! I still have to pay the entrance fee . I 'll have to leave my children . I might have to hitchhike home ! Marathon Glenn already bought my flight there … is it too late to say never mind ? I can 't do this … I text Marathon Glenn in a panic . He tells me he 'll still run if I don 't . He 's already bought the ticket , but can get a refund within the next 12 hours . The week after that decision , it 's cold , but not so cold that we can 't run outside . I start logging miles based on the Boston Marathon training plan for beginners . My running buddy gets me through 13 and 14 milers for the long runs . We are feeling groovy . Starting slow and working our way up the mileage chart . Originally , this was a post on doing hard things and saying yes when you 're afraid . Even when you hate the treadmill . Like , a lot . 13 Replies Merry Christmas , all you runners . And when I say all you runners , of course I mean you . Since it 's Cyber Week , let 's take advantage of some great prices to help you get moving this year . Even if you hate running ( gasp ! ) , I have taken it upon myself to inspire you in the coming year , to find your inner runner and be happy like Buddy the Elf , who was always running . And downing maple syrup . Sometimes " stuff " really does inspire . And when you give it , you 're endorsing the wonderful world of LIVING . Here 's a quick list of inspiration . 1 . Socks . The affordable gift . But halt - not just any socks ! Socks that won 't slip down . Socks that let you sweat . Socks that won 't cause blisters . I love Nike . They have a band around the middle that is super hugging and supportive . But just this morning I ran in a pair of Danskin that I got from Wal - mart and guess what ? They were great ! The price is nice , too . 3 . Garmin Watch . The price is coming down on these ! Still an expensive gift , but just think of the joy on his / her face when this this special watch is unwrapped . Priceless . Even if you went to China , the satellite would pick up and you would know distance , pace , and overall time . I love this watch ! They even have pink Garmin watches now . Marathon Glenn is drooling over a very special Garmin watch . For only $ 14 . 99 , this is a great piece of equipment . Do your knees hurt ? Lay down and roll out your hamstrings , IT Band , and butt - I 'm willing to bet you have knots that are pulling on your IT band , which pulls on your knee cap . I will come to your house ( or make a video ? ) of exactly how to do this , but the roller does come with a how - to guide . Since I started rolling , my knee pain and knee tendonitis has never come back . Back pain ? Neck pain ? Butt pain ? ROLL . This foam roller is like a massage , but way more cost effective . 5 . Running Gloves Take your pick , there are so many good ones to choose from . 12 . Gift Card for Running Shoes . Brooks , Adidas , Nike , Newton Asics : They all provide gift cards ! 13 . Neck Warmer . Help your lungs this winter . Protect your lips , chin , and cheeks from winter burn . Starting in November , I wear a neck / face warmer everyday until about mid - March . You can buy one for about $ 10 or cut and sew a piece of fleece together . Works much better than wrapping your face with a scarf . 15 . Shop the sales racks at Nike outlet right now - all the shorts are marked way down . Your runner ( or you ) will be more motivated to go out this spring with a spunky pair of shorts waiting for her / him . 17 . Pay for a race . One Christmas my dad paid for me to run the New Hampshire trail 's series - 6 races in 5 months . It was one of the best presents I ever received . 19 . Honeybells . One Christmas we received a big box of Honeybell oranges . Oh my deliciousness ! Instead of ordering crap , excuse me , give good stuff ! The biggest benefit to any of these gifts ? It shows someone that you take health seriously , that we can do hard things , ( which running often is . ) When I receive a running gift , it 's validating … you believe in me . Perhaps , you will need to forward this post to your own Buddy elf , or stuff a few of these items into your own stocking this year ( sometimes we have to help ourselves out , right ? ) 7 Replies I like lists . I like lists of things other people like , from people I like , because there 's a good chance I will like these things , too . So , if you like me , maybe you will like my list . Are you with me ? 🙂 Books - Top Four Since SummerWonder by R . J . Palacio . A middle grade read that I LOVED . It is so well - written , has such a great message without beating you over the head with it , made me laugh and cry ( what a great combo ! ) , and uplifted me overall . Fantastic . Julia gave a more in - depth review Here . Gone Girl by Gillyen Flynn . Wow . I was skeptical given her other books that I couldn 't read ( too dark , too depressing ) . And though I couldn 't recommend it to my teenage daughter due to some language and explicit sex scene ( did we really need it ? ) , I really , really enjoyed this book . What a good story ! I look at books in different ways than I used to , especially regarding scene structure , plot , character development , and theme . There were so many plot twists that I couldn 't stop reading , couldn 't stop thinking about the characters , and couldn 't have predicted the ending - what a feat ! Daring Greatly by Brene Brown . There are some book that change your life . This is one of those books . I took notes , made photocopies of pages , underlined passages , and had excited discussions with my father for a week while reading this book . LOVED it . Daring Greatly is all about the power of vulnerability . Get started by listening to Brene Brown 's TED talk Here . Brene says , " Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart . " It is only through being vulnerable that we can really be seen for who we really are . Great book for parents and anyone who wants to have better relationships and live a more authentic life . Read it ! The Story of Charlotte 's Web : E . B . White 's Eccentric Life in Nature and the Birth of an American Classic by Michael Sims . I love Charlotte 's Web and I love books about authors , but I thought I might end up skimming this . I didn 't . This book is a great window into the life of a shy nature - loving boy who enjoyed animals more than people . This quiet observer grew up to be E . B . White of Strunk and White ( every writer 's must - have book companion ) , and had a very long writing career at The New Yorker , and of course , in children 's literature . A fascinating look . What 's on my night stand right now ? FOUR John Green books , the Weight of Water by Anita Shreve , and Lean in by Sheryl Sandberg . Food Mint M & Ms . Taste like a thin mint . Seasonal item ? I better stock up . So good ! I 'd show you the pretty green candies but this package is , um , empty . When I saw the pomegranate in the store I shrieked . Seasonal item is here ! Great for granola , plain , smoothies , desserts , snacks , disease prevention . My heart swoons pomegranate red . I don 't like foundation because of the paint - slathering feel , but skin needed something . This is it . Grocery story purchase for about $ 9 . It 's like a tinted moisture with a little bit more . I use the medium / deep and feel brighter and happier all day . Love it . Stocking stuffer ? Amen . Glucosamine Chondroitin , found at Wal - mart as a two - pack . At around $ 34 , it 's pricey , but I tell you what , my knees feel good . No , they feel better ! Placebo effect ? I 'll take it . Instructions say to take two / day , but I only take one . Running Buddies . It 's getting cold . The mornings are dark . This morning I had two runners in my driveway at 6 : 30 for a 6 . 2 hill run . Oh , I love them ! In September it was my great honor to listen to Andrew Briggs , President of Freedom in Creation , and Peter Odoch . Peter was born in Uganda and witnessed first - hand , the terrible effects of war . His parents , brothers and sisters were taken and killed in front of him , or were indoctrinated , becoming child soldiers . Brother was turned against brother and to this day , Peter doesn 't know where some of his family is . Peter has lived through great sadness , and yet he lived . Do you believe your life has purpose ? That you were saved for something more ? I do . Peter was . He married , became a father , and is now an adjunct professor at Gulu University and business manager of Life Giving Water , LLC . What does he do with most of his time ? Andrew and Peter are rarely in the United States . They are mostly in Uganda teaching and raising money to build wells . The children make jewelry out of rolled paper . Buying a necklace or bracelet directly helps these children raise money to dig a well and become educated . It seems that every night I dream of ways to fly to Uganda and dig a well . I see myself surrounded by children who have skin as dark as mine is white , and yet we belong to each other , all of us dependent upon life - giving water . How can I care about chapstick and chocolate - covered almonds when children are starving ? It 's because we are so blessed . Is it not a reminder : Where much is given , much is expected . A few of my favorite things ? Face lotion and running buddies , yes . But I was once told that service would be my first opportunity for great joy . That has proven to be true . What are some of your favorite things ? This entry was posted in Books , favorites , Food , health , runner food , running on November 11 , 2013 by maisymak . Post navigation Amy Makechnie I live in the country with four delicious children . Their father brought me here . And is also delicious . I 'm a writer , and especially like to tell stories with pictures . . . which often include the next door neighbors ( show donkeys and cows ) . Welcome to our yard !

When I was a kid I had a pretty large bedroom . This was where my family set up a ping pong table . We played a lot even though none of us were particularly good . I think we all liked the sound of a good long volley more than anything else - ping , bounce , pong , bounce , ping , and on it went , a curious dance between the two paddles . I got to thinking about this as I started going back into this painting , one I 'd thought I 'd finished last month . It 's a new painting I based on a vine charcoal drawing I did last fall up on Lake Placid in the Adirondack Mountains of northernmost New York State . I really liked how the new oil looked but kept wondering how it might work with a lighter sky . Not wanting to risk the delicate balance it had achieved , I decided to paint a second version with some big variations in the sky 's color . So off I went into the new panel . From the get go it seemed to have a mind of its own , plunging off into a much cooler set of colors . It worked well in this new direction so I loosened the reins and pretty much let the painting start finding its own way . The funny thing is some of the design features in the second panel worked so well I sheepishly re - installed them in the first painting . And the opposite , taking some little feature from the original and putting it in the second version . This went on for a few days , with me bouncing back and forth . You might think this would have left me in the end with two identical paintings . Instead each of the panels developed early on its own distinct personality . What an artist has to do is treat a developing painting almost as if it is a person with an emerging individuality . If you 're open to it you can watch the developing ideas forming and nurture the ones that seem to genuinely help the painting . My wife 's a therapist and often she 's told me how her job isn 't to impose her wisdom on a patient but rather help them along to figure out for themselves what 's best . Painting 's not so different . Actually I like painting more than ping pong . Of course I 'm a much better artist that I am a ping pong athlete . But remembering those casual childhood games of ping pong provides me a better mental picture of what I do in my studio . That 's a good thing . Often I tell my students that painting isn 't something one comes to understand so much as something one experiences . I doubt many people claim they " understand " ping pong , but lots of people have played the game . Those who have surrendered themselves to the curious rhythms of the game with its distinctive movements and sounds . I think that 's an attitude that would help a lot of people get a feeling for what painting is all about . P . S . My old website Philipkoch . com unfortunately will go dark at midnight on Saturday , June 30 , 2012 . A new site , Philipkoch . org has been posted . Over the next few days its content and design will grow to reach the level of the old site . What so many find exciting about Hopper is that he breathed new life into the whole tradition of American landscape painting . The starkly elegant watercolor above is a good example . A great new spanish language video on the major Edward Hopper retrospective exhibition at the Thyssen - Bornemisza Museum in Madrid features a little footage of my current exhibit ( through July1 , 2012 ) at the Edward Hopper House Art Center in Nyack , NY . The video 's producers traveled to New York to gather background material on Hopper 's life and work and went up to Nyack , NY to film Hopper 's boyhood home and interview Carole Perry the Art Center 's Director . Two brief views of my show Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio installed in Hopper 's bedroom appear at about minute 3 : 39 in this beautifully produced overview of Hoppper 's art . It is probably the best video on Hopper yet produced , even for those who don 't speak the language . The Hopper watercolor is one you don 't usually see . It 's a marvelous example of Hopper 's delight in almost wacky juxtapositions . See how he plays up the contrast between the house and the tree by lightening up the shadows in the architecture and darkening them in the tree trunk . He seems to want the forms to feel so different that they collide . Yet he 's smart enough to know he has to still hint at some kind of link between them . And sure enough , the windows and shutters and some small shadows on the shingles are painted in with the colors of the tree 's bark . Hopper helped us see how things really are instead of how we commonly think of them . I don 't think Hopper set out to " be wierd " with his work . Rather it 's that he just noticed things other people had overlooked , realized they contained surprises that were important , and found a way to give them concrete form in his paintings . If anyone ever gave us friendly reminders that it 's worth it to keep your eyes open , he did . Here I am two weeks ago working on a drawing on the summit of Cadillac Mountain in Maine 's Acadia National Park . The wind was blowing like crazy and I was only able to set up the easel by finding a dense stand of little pines to shield me . It was COLD . We had just had a heat wave down in Maryland before we left and neither my wife nor I could bring ourselves to pack winter coats and gloves . Silly us . Often when I 'm out working like this passers by will stop to watch for a minute . Especially when the weather is , ahem , challenging , as it was , they 're likely to ask " why don 't you take a photograph and work from that instead of freezing ? " They have a point , but I 've come to understand it takes even the best painters time to discover what it is they need to say with each painting . Drawing and painting from direct observation by its nature proceeds very slowly . Ours is a language of near infinite subtlety . If you stand outside and take in the space and light with all your senses , including your goose - fleshed skin , you simply understand the landscape better . So many of our decisions as artists come from our unconscious side . Frequently when I 'm later examining one of my pieces that has been successful I 'll notice something good I hadn 't been aware I was doing - like an inventive linking of shapes on opposite sides of the composition . Lots of times it 's the best thing in the painting . So as for the cold , the wind , rain , heat , bugs etc . I say , to quote a certain former President , " Bring it on . . . " You know our ancestors lived outdoors all the time . Maybe one of the jobs of contemporary landscape painters is to help remind us we really are in our bones outdoor critters . Much of the time while we were up there it rained . I was able to get out of the rental car and set up my French easel some of the times . Here 's one of the results , Cadillac Mountain # 4 , vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " , 2012 . I was lower down the mountain for this one , as the summit had by then turned into a wind tunnel . But that 's fine as I loved this view . There 's a sensation of looking up towards the top of a peak that stirs me up in a way I like . Often New England mountains are covered with groves of deciduous trees that early in the season cover the slopes with the most delicate light yellow greens . Here a few taller pines stick their dark heads up punctuating the scene 's rhythm . And here 's another vine charcoal , Cadillac Mountain # 5 , 6 1 / 2 x 13 " , 2012 , done eWhat counts in carving out landscape space is to make the front feel different than the background . That can mean changing the dark and light tones of course . If I end up pursuing this design in oil paints , I 'm sure to pick a set of colors for the distance that will be in opposition to the color of the front forms . When you think about it , that 's all we painters have to work with - making differences that amount to something . It 's not a big tool bag , but when you see what a Rembrandt or a Degas could do with it , you realize it 's enough . Here are three images for you . First , Edward Hopper ( American , 1882 - 1967 ) Night Shadows , 1921 . I love this etching for its moodiness and its unusual point of view . Hopper lived until he was almost 30 in a second story bedroom in his family 's house in Nyack , NY . It had three windows that faced Broadway , one of Nyack 's main streets . Every night when Hopper looked out one of these windows he saw figures just like this one casting shadows as they walked alone down the sidewalk . Hopper had the sense to feel the poetry in his immediate surroundings . And he had the talent and determination to find a way to compose his etching to make you feel so much of what he felt . There are dozens of great design ideas in this print . Let 's look for a moment at just the long cast shadow of the lightpole ( I 'm assuming that 's what it is ) that first catches everyone 's eye when they look at this piece . It moves in from the left and ascends diagonally across the sidewalk , moving deliberately in a direction opposing our walker . It tapers ever so gradually wider and begins to lighten up a bit . Then BANG , it hits the storefront and abruptly swells up into an inky black and wildly abstract shape that cranks its way across the store 's awning and second story . Our lone figure has some very interesting neighbors he 's passing by on his walk . Winslow Homer ( American , 1836 - 1910 ) Fishwives Homer is great and I think I 'll never every get over him . Here 's one of the watercolors he made while living for several years among the fishing people in a small English seacoast town . These were hardworking people who took enormous risks to go out onto uncertain waters to make a living . To Homer , they seemed heroic , both the men and the women . In fact often Homer seems to make the females the real center of the community . Here two women and a child cast a perhaps wary eye out into the rough seas to see how their fishermen are doing . We don 't see their faces yet there 's an undeniable purpose and common bond between these women . Homer gives them expressive power in a whole number of ways . But maybe best of all is the wonderfully inventive little " keyhole " of light ocean we see squeezed between their two hips . The women 's bodies and that piece of water dance perfectly together to form a three part chord . Homer and Hopper had looked long and hard at the work of the painters that had gone before them . They learned from what they saw , internalizing an awesomely vivid language of color and shapes that we simply call " painting . " As one starts to look at their work one can feel it is from another time , but that is is still quietly glowing with a subtle energy . The longer one looks , the more one sees . And the more these artists from the past seem to be alive and ready to talk with us with something important to say . Paul McCarthy is an American sculptor , installation and video artist born in Los Angeles in 1945 . This is a photo from a mixed media installation from 1966 . His work has received considerable attention in recent years . The McCarthy piece seems much more tongue - in - cheek , more meant to amuse and cast one back into a reverie of old western movies or TV shows . It also seems to come from a different planet than the Homer and Hopper . McCarthy 's sculpture looks a little like the kind of drawings I was making when I was twelve or thirteen . And maybe that 's the point . It 's bawdy and funny , but it isn 't an image I 'm particularly eager to linger on . I don 't have to . The art world is a big tent , so big that no one can ever see all the painting , sculpture or video that has been produced . When I was a young artist I felt the need to look at everything in the art world . Certainly if something was in Art News magazine or in a major art museum it must have something to teach me I figured . But time passed and I found myself developing favorites and wanting to specialize my enthusiasms . Frank Stella and Mark Rothko , abstract painters who were fashionable in the late 1960 's were early heroes . I tried to make paintings like theirs . And not too much later than that I fell under the spell of Edward Hopper and the romance of 19th century landscape . So I changed again , but this time it stuck . I see a great deal of art that tries hard to do something innovative , generally it 's described as avant garde art . Much of it doesn 't work really well , some of it is downright oppressively awful . But every now and then I see something that surprises me in a way I like . I also see lots of landscape paintings because I seek them out ( can 't help myself ) . If I were to ask myself whether I 've seen more unsuccessful landscape paintings or more avant garde pieces of art that were failures , I 'm not sure what the answer would be . Obviously it is hard to do work that is really outstanding . Maybe the small mountains of art that didn 't quite make it are the price we have to pay for the occasional over the top masterpiece . Remember childhood anxieties ? In grade school I worried every day about my school locker . A lot of the time the darned thing wouldn 't open . The lockers were old and the combination locks didn 't work very well for a lot of us kids . Aways I worried at the end of the day it would make me miss the school bus that would take me home . Why couldn 't they just give us each a key ? When I was a little kid there was a print of a Winslow Homer ( Am . 1836 - 1910 ) watercolor hanging above the couch in our living room . I didn 't like it much and can remember sitting on the floor at three years old thinking he should have made his forms more detailed . I actually thought that when I grew up should I choose to I could paint much better watercolors than this Homer fellow . Still it had an amazing ability to make me look at it . The whole business troubled me . Over the years that print of the Homer watercolor got better all by itself . Above is a Homer watercolor that 's new to me , Burnt Mountain now in the Addison Gallery of American Art . It 's got a wonderful darkly glowing quality to its murky purple greys . Homer made so many works on paper . Here was an artist who painted hundreds of major oils that surely took him months to execute . Yet he would fine the time to do countless works on paper too . I believe he felt making them opened a door for him to a more expressive way of seeing . When I first started seriously painting and would visit art museums I had a dark secret . I didn 't like the galleries filled with oil paintings . They seemed to resist me somehow . But I was curiously attracted instead to the galleries showing works on paper . For reasons I don 't fully understand drawings and watercolors showed me more of their secrets than the oil paintings . They seemed eager to share with me their little delights of composition . Over time my eyes grew accustomed to the weightiness of oil paintings and I came to enjoy them as easily as works on paper . But I remember it was art on paper , whether that first Homer painting in my childhood home or those drawing shows in museums , that served as the key . Maybe for all of us our task is to find what it is that will open the doors that are locked to us . To this day , drawing on paper plays a huge role in helping me make my oil paintings . To make art you have to try things you don 't really know how to do . I find I worry less about jumping off into the unknown when I work on paper . If it works , great , and if not , all I 've lost is a piece of paper . It frees you up in a way the heavy , sturdy , and expensive materials of oil painting don 't . I think Winslow Homer felt the same way . Here 's a photo I took of my easels in my studio last week . On the right are two pastels and on the left easel are two in progress oil paintings I 'm working up based on those pastels . The images are of Edward Hopper 's bedroom in Nyack , NY . My exhibit Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio : Paintings by Philip Koch is currently hanging in this room in what 's now the Edward Hopper House Art Center ( through July 1 ) . This is the source for the two pastels , a vine charcoal drawing I did on location standing in the doorway to Hopper 's Nyack bedroom back in April . I 'm just returned from a week in Maine 's Acadia National Park where I made what I hope will be a whole lot of " keys " to make possible some new large , ambitious oil paintings . Here 's Cadillac Mountain III , vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " , 2012 . I started this post with a watercolor by Winslow Homer and then moved on to show some of my Edward Hopper themed work . Very much in the Homer tradition , Hopper did enormous numbers of works on paper from quick compositional sketches for his oils to watercolor compositions like this investigation of a ship 's hull and factory . You can see into his thinking as he sizes up this very complicated jumble of unrelated forms . How can I make sense of this he asked himself ? What he did was experiment . Segregating most of the cooler blue greys and tans up into the foreground he reserved his warmest rust colors for just the far distance . Was the source really like that ? Probably not . But Hopper knew his job was to evoke the feeling the place had for him . He was willing to try moves he had no guarantee would work . So he tried unlocking the problem by working on a modest scale on paper . Hopper is never described as a playful man , but to me that 's exactly what he is when he works on paper . There he 's willing to just follow a whim to see where it would lead him . P . S . Philip Koch 's website , currently at philipkoch . com will be moving at the end of June to a new address : I did a double take over my morning coffee . It 's an oil by the 19th century French painter Millet , Death and the Woodcutter . Like so many paintings by Millet it 's a little masterpiece of intriguing silhouettes and an elegant balancing of warm against cool color , but most of all it 's really creepy . Perhaps I 'm just in a somber mood because the Apple Corporation is pulling the plug on my website hosting service at the end of June . We 've had a good run for the last 5 years or so . Philipkoch . com will still be operational until near the end of the month , but after that it looks like we may have to switch over to a new domain name for my website : philipkoch . org On the same website that startled me this morning with the grim reaper ( artknowledgenews . com which sends out a great series of art exhibit press releases with cool images every morning ) I stumbled across a much friendlier winter landscape by a not so well known landscape painter Dale Nichols ( a native of Nebraska , 1904 - 1995 ) . Nichols ' painting packs a lot into a landscape . Like so many paintings from the 1930 's , the artist models a heavily stated sense of volume into almost every form , and shines in the light from low down near the horizon . It makes for a slightly other - worldly quality I find really appealing ( if one honestly looks one finds reality is more strange and unexpected than we think . Otherworldly - ness is often truthfulness to how things feel ) . Speaking of solidity , here 's one of the most un - solid of paintings , a beautifully luminous and airy winter landscape by the French 19th century artist Camille Pissarro ( also stumbled upon on artknowledgenews . com this morning ) . Pissarro could be a very fine painter and is in the top of his form here . Look at all the different levels of cool greys he employs - from jet black to light grey hints of distant foliage . Pissarro was willing to spend the hours grinding away on his palette to mix just the right chords of colors . One of the real keys to this painting 's success is a drawing move . Pissarro had a deft and sure hand in drawing in the dark trunks of the three or four closest trees - each brings to the painting its own personality . Almost like ballet dancers , they all tell their tale through their own unique gestures as your eye travels up and down their trunks . It seems a simple thing that Pissarro has accomplished here , yet if you look at the tree trunks in paintings by lesser artists you 're confronted with either dreadful monotony or just unconvincing and improbable tree trunks that won 't hold your eye 's interest . Pissarro reminds us there is a poetry to living forms and knows how to show it to you . While Pissarro could turn out a masterpiece like this oil painting , he wasn 't a stranger to creative difficulty . Years ago I read a biography of Pissarro written by one of his sons , also a painter , who quoted from a letter his dad had written him . Apparently Pissarro was going through a bad patch with his paintings and had turned them all around to face his studio wall . Pissarro confesses to his son in the letter that he hadn 't the courage to turn any of them around to take even a peek at any of his " little monsters . " Little Monsters - now there 's a phrase to gladden the heart of any artist who 's lost a battle to make a painting come together and look like something . I 'm not happy to learn Pissarro struggled , but I am happy to know I 'm in good company when I have to work so hard to make some of my more stubborn paintings behave themselves . I don 't seek out difficulty in the studio , but it is a sign an artist is trying to stretch and grow with his or her work . When you 're trying to chart new territory you have to take the wrong turn now and again . It isn 't the fun part as much as it 's the dues you pay to learn how to do something great . Often I tell my students that painting is hard until it 's easy , and then it gets ready to be hard again . Maybe that 's not a particularly snappy way to put it , but I find it 's an accurate account of the creative endeavor . I 'd hasten to tell any artist to be sure to stop and enjoy it when the painting goes well . It 's a reward you 've earned . OK , it doesn 't look all that rough I suppose . I spent last week up in Maine in Acadia National Park . Have been going there to paint pretty much annually since I first went with Alice there to honeymoon in 1982 . Seeing it for the first time back then I immediately felt a great attachment to it 's almost fantastic rocky and cold topography It reminded me of my boyhood home on the shore of Lake Ontario . I think all artists discover certain motifs or places that just grab them . It 's more important that that kind of head - over - heals romance happen than that we understand exactly why . Making a painting after all is a love affair , and I fell in love with Maine . The state is funny - she offers unparalleled landscape opportunities with one hand and dishes out some of the most challenging weather with the other . Those of us artists who insist on working from direct observation instead of relying on photography are a high risk population when we go up there . On our honeymoon we stayed in the absolutely cheapest place we could find , a run down motel in Bar Harbor that in addition to us was host to 5 million ants . We became well acquainted with that eager little species that week . It 's 30 years later and thankfully our finances no longer dictate sharing quarters with all those six legged friends . This time around it rained for at least part of every day we were there , so having a comfortable place to get out of the weather loomed very large . As luck would have it a convention of bird enthusiasts had filled our usual B & B so the owner kindly referred us to their friend Mark Dresser who runs the charming The Maples Inn just down the street . Much as I like B & B 's the quarters can be a little cramped if you 're trying to do some art in the room when the weather is bad . Obviously a clairvoyant genius , Mark booked us into his Siver Maple Suite that had an attached sitting room ( note the nice chairs ) . It made for a perfect little studio for me to finish up the vine charcoal drawings I had begun outdoors . Here I am the morning we left showing oI 've always done my best work when I can begin a piece outdoors where the unexpected contrasts and collisions of forms usually suggest more surprising compositions than we 're likely to invent relying only on our imagination . But that same overabundance of possibilities can get you into trouble - it 's like trying to take a sip of water from a raging fire hose . I need to bring the work back inside and study it against an empty wall to really see what I 've done . Inevitably the work looks different once back inside , and freed from outdoor distractions , I can see best what I need to do to finish a piece off . for most of the drawings , often working through the rhythmic swipe of the windshield wipers . It 's tight in a confined space like that . But that 's the price you pay for being able to work even in driving rain . I also brought one of my French easels for when the weather decided to cooperate . Here 's one of the new drawings , a vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " . It 's done about a third of the way up Cadillac Mountain looking due north into Frenchman 's Bay . What attracted me were the wiggling patterns of smooth reflective water that appear as a subtle gold against a more leaden grey surface of the Bay . The color feel for the whole scene was a restrained yellow against a silver grey , most of it held into the lighter tones . I am very eager to try this in color , probably starting out with some small scale soft pastel drawings on artist 's sandpaper . Then if all goes well I 'll investigate the idea in oils . Here I am working the last day we were there . It had finally cleared for the afternoon and I set up near the Cadillac Mountain summit looking southeast past the Cranberry Islands out to the sea . This was one of those times when having a portable easel made all the difference . Had I had to sit on the ground I would have ended up with an uncomfortably wet behind and with the lowered point of view I 'd have had half of my subject blocked out by the foreground bushes . Years ago when I began landscape painting I used to sit on the ground and prop my painting up against the back of my paint box . It all worked fine most of the time . Except . . . One of the mysterious cosmic principles of landscape painting is that nobody ever comes by to look when the painting is going really well . I 'm convinced they wait out of sight behind thick bushes until they see by your expression that you 're struggling . Somehow they know just when it is that you 've become convinced that you might have been an artist once , but now you 've forgotten everything and it 's hopeless . Then out they come from their hiding places , all smiles , and ask the dreaded question " Art you an artist ? " at exactly the moment it 's finally clear to all that that 's exactly what you 're not . Once years ago I was painting sitting on the ground when a little girl came by and stood over me and watched me silently . After a minute she piped up asking " How old are you ? " and I answered that I was 24 . She replied " Well , I 'm only eight and I 'm already a much better artist than you . " After the encounter with that little girl ( whose neck I am glad to report I resisted the urge to strangle ) I resolved to at least be able to work standing up in case more short little critics like that girl were in my future . With a nifty folding portable easel I figured I would at least look more the part of a real artist regardless of how the painting was going . So I bought an easel and funny thing , the paintings started going better . I always tell my students that good tools make you talented . Maybe it 's true . The Edward Hopper House Art Center in Nyack , NY moved my exhibit Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio : Paintings by Philip Koch upstairs from one of their first floor galleries to hang in Hopper 's bedroom . Carole Perry , Hopper House 's Director , told me they 've never before mounted one of their scheduled exhibits in this room . ( Carole also kindly sent me these photos of the bedroom installation ) . I get the biggest kick out of this . Both Hopper and his mother were born in this room ( though not at the same time , obviously ) . Hopper slept in this room until he was nearly thirty . That 's funny for me to think about as I left home at 18 and never lived there again . No doubt the Hopper family functioned differently than mine . Hopper was legendarily socially awkward and a generally a very remote personality . Most artists aren 't like that . I often wonder about the family dynamics in that house during Hopper 's formative childhood years . As neither Hopper nor his only sister had children , there 's probably nobody around today who really knows much about that . What we do have as living clues to Hopper 's personality of course are his paintings , and they reveal very much . They show us a man whose eyes and heart were wide open to the world . Regular readers of this blog know Hopper was the big influence on me that caused me as a young artist to switch from painting abstractions to working as a realist painter . His work so impressed me that once I 'd seen it there was no turning back . So here we have my own paintings on display in the room where the artist who most inspired and shaped my direction came of age himself . To exhibit in this special place is deeply meaningful to me and a very great honor . Here 's another view of the Nyack bedroom . That 's one of the windows that looks out over North Broadway , one of the main streets in downtown Nyack . It offers an entrancing glimpse of the Hudson River just a block away . Above at the far left is a poster describing my involvement with Hopper 's Cape Cod painting studio over the years . My current exhibit is an intimate grouping of the paintings I 've made during my 13 residencies in that Cape Cod studio . All are views of its interior . Here 's the poster - Normally the upstairs level of the Hopper House Art Center is closed to the public . Re - installing my exhibit up in Hopper 's bedroom provides visitors to the Hopper House an extra bonus . Here 's a little sign in the hallway directing visitors up the stairs to see the bedroom and the new display . And here 's the view from the upstairs hallway of Hopper 's bedroom with three of my oils hanging in the corner above a child 's highchair that was in Hopper 's family and may well have been used to feed little Edward . I just returned last night from Maine where Alice and I spent a week on Mount Desert Island . It was a painting excursion as well as a 30th anniversary celebration of our honeymoon in the same place . Back in 1982 on the Island we hit a batch of cold and often rainy weather . The art gods obliged and served up a similar dose for us this time too . The funny thing is I had a ball and the painting went really well . Go figure . . .

When I was a kid I had a pretty large bedroom . This was where my family set up a ping pong table . We played a lot even though none of us were particularly good . I think we all liked the sound of a good long volley more than anything else - ping , bounce , pong , bounce , ping , and on it went , a curious dance between the two paddles . I got to thinking about this as I started going back into this painting , one I 'd thought I 'd finished last month . It 's a new painting I based on a vine charcoal drawing I did last fall up on Lake Placid in the Adirondack Mountains of northernmost New York State . I really liked how the new oil looked but kept wondering how it might work with a lighter sky . Not wanting to risk the delicate balance it had achieved , I decided to paint a second version with some big variations in the sky 's color . So off I went into the new panel . From the get go it seemed to have a mind of its own , plunging off into a much cooler set of colors . It worked well in this new direction so I loosened the reins and pretty much let the painting start finding its own way . The funny thing is some of the design features in the second panel worked so well I sheepishly re - installed them in the first painting . And the opposite , taking some little feature from the original and putting it in the second version . This went on for a few days , with me bouncing back and forth . You might think this would have left me in the end with two identical paintings . Instead each of the panels developed early on its own distinct personality . What an artist has to do is treat a developing painting almost as if it is a person with an emerging individuality . If you 're open to it you can watch the developing ideas forming and nurture the ones that seem to genuinely help the painting . My wife 's a therapist and often she 's told me how her job isn 't to impose her wisdom on a patient but rather help them along to figure out for themselves what 's best . Painting 's not so different . Actually I like painting more than ping pong . Of course I 'm a much better artist that I am a ping pong athlete . But remembering those casual childhood games of ping pong provides me a better mental picture of what I do in my studio . That 's a good thing . Often I tell my students that painting isn 't something one comes to understand so much as something one experiences . I doubt many people claim they " understand " ping pong , but lots of people have played the game . Those who have surrendered themselves to the curious rhythms of the game with its distinctive movements and sounds . I think that 's an attitude that would help a lot of people get a feeling for what painting is all about . P . S . My old website Philipkoch . com unfortunately will go dark at midnight on Saturday , June 30 , 2012 . A new site , Philipkoch . org has been posted . Over the next few days its content and design will grow to reach the level of the old site . What so many find exciting about Hopper is that he breathed new life into the whole tradition of American landscape painting . The starkly elegant watercolor above is a good example . A great new spanish language video on the major Edward Hopper retrospective exhibition at the Thyssen - Bornemisza Museum in Madrid features a little footage of my current exhibit ( through July1 , 2012 ) at the Edward Hopper House Art Center in Nyack , NY . The video 's producers traveled to New York to gather background material on Hopper 's life and work and went up to Nyack , NY to film Hopper 's boyhood home and interview Carole Perry the Art Center 's Director . Two brief views of my show Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio installed in Hopper 's bedroom appear at about minute 3 : 39 in this beautifully produced overview of Hoppper 's art . It is probably the best video on Hopper yet produced , even for those who don 't speak the language . The Hopper watercolor is one you don 't usually see . It 's a marvelous example of Hopper 's delight in almost wacky juxtapositions . See how he plays up the contrast between the house and the tree by lightening up the shadows in the architecture and darkening them in the tree trunk . He seems to want the forms to feel so different that they collide . Yet he 's smart enough to know he has to still hint at some kind of link between them . And sure enough , the windows and shutters and some small shadows on the shingles are painted in with the colors of the tree 's bark . Hopper helped us see how things really are instead of how we commonly think of them . I don 't think Hopper set out to " be wierd " with his work . Rather it 's that he just noticed things other people had overlooked , realized they contained surprises that were important , and found a way to give them concrete form in his paintings . If anyone ever gave us friendly reminders that it 's worth it to keep your eyes open , he did . Here I am two weeks ago working on a drawing on the summit of Cadillac Mountain in Maine 's Acadia National Park . The wind was blowing like crazy and I was only able to set up the easel by finding a dense stand of little pines to shield me . It was COLD . We had just had a heat wave down in Maryland before we left and neither my wife nor I could bring ourselves to pack winter coats and gloves . Silly us . Often when I 'm out working like this passers by will stop to watch for a minute . Especially when the weather is , ahem , challenging , as it was , they 're likely to ask " why don 't you take a photograph and work from that instead of freezing ? " They have a point , but I 've come to understand it takes even the best painters time to discover what it is they need to say with each painting . Drawing and painting from direct observation by its nature proceeds very slowly . Ours is a language of near infinite subtlety . If you stand outside and take in the space and light with all your senses , including your goose - fleshed skin , you simply understand the landscape better . So many of our decisions as artists come from our unconscious side . Frequently when I 'm later examining one of my pieces that has been successful I 'll notice something good I hadn 't been aware I was doing - like an inventive linking of shapes on opposite sides of the composition . Lots of times it 's the best thing in the painting . So as for the cold , the wind , rain , heat , bugs etc . I say , to quote a certain former President , " Bring it on . . . " You know our ancestors lived outdoors all the time . Maybe one of the jobs of contemporary landscape painters is to help remind us we really are in our bones outdoor critters . Much of the time while we were up there it rained . I was able to get out of the rental car and set up my French easel some of the times . Here 's one of the results , Cadillac Mountain # 4 , vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " , 2012 . I was lower down the mountain for this one , as the summit had by then turned into a wind tunnel . But that 's fine as I loved this view . There 's a sensation of looking up towards the top of a peak that stirs me up in a way I like . Often New England mountains are covered with groves of deciduous trees that early in the season cover the slopes with the most delicate light yellow greens . Here a few taller pines stick their dark heads up punctuating the scene 's rhythm . And here 's another vine charcoal , Cadillac Mountain # 5 , 6 1 / 2 x 13 " , 2012 , done eWhat counts in carving out landscape space is to make the front feel different than the background . That can mean changing the dark and light tones of course . If I end up pursuing this design in oil paints , I 'm sure to pick a set of colors for the distance that will be in opposition to the color of the front forms . When you think about it , that 's all we painters have to work with - making differences that amount to something . It 's not a big tool bag , but when you see what a Rembrandt or a Degas could do with it , you realize it 's enough . Here are three images for you . First , Edward Hopper ( American , 1882 - 1967 ) Night Shadows , 1921 . I love this etching for its moodiness and its unusual point of view . Hopper lived until he was almost 30 in a second story bedroom in his family 's house in Nyack , NY . It had three windows that faced Broadway , one of Nyack 's main streets . Every night when Hopper looked out one of these windows he saw figures just like this one casting shadows as they walked alone down the sidewalk . Hopper had the sense to feel the poetry in his immediate surroundings . And he had the talent and determination to find a way to compose his etching to make you feel so much of what he felt . There are dozens of great design ideas in this print . Let 's look for a moment at just the long cast shadow of the lightpole ( I 'm assuming that 's what it is ) that first catches everyone 's eye when they look at this piece . It moves in from the left and ascends diagonally across the sidewalk , moving deliberately in a direction opposing our walker . It tapers ever so gradually wider and begins to lighten up a bit . Then BANG , it hits the storefront and abruptly swells up into an inky black and wildly abstract shape that cranks its way across the store 's awning and second story . Our lone figure has some very interesting neighbors he 's passing by on his walk . Winslow Homer ( American , 1836 - 1910 ) Fishwives Homer is great and I think I 'll never every get over him . Here 's one of the watercolors he made while living for several years among the fishing people in a small English seacoast town . These were hardworking people who took enormous risks to go out onto uncertain waters to make a living . To Homer , they seemed heroic , both the men and the women . In fact often Homer seems to make the females the real center of the community . Here two women and a child cast a perhaps wary eye out into the rough seas to see how their fishermen are doing . We don 't see their faces yet there 's an undeniable purpose and common bond between these women . Homer gives them expressive power in a whole number of ways . But maybe best of all is the wonderfully inventive little " keyhole " of light ocean we see squeezed between their two hips . The women 's bodies and that piece of water dance perfectly together to form a three part chord . Homer and Hopper had looked long and hard at the work of the painters that had gone before them . They learned from what they saw , internalizing an awesomely vivid language of color and shapes that we simply call " painting . " As one starts to look at their work one can feel it is from another time , but that is is still quietly glowing with a subtle energy . The longer one looks , the more one sees . And the more these artists from the past seem to be alive and ready to talk with us with something important to say . Paul McCarthy is an American sculptor , installation and video artist born in Los Angeles in 1945 . This is a photo from a mixed media installation from 1966 . His work has received considerable attention in recent years . The McCarthy piece seems much more tongue - in - cheek , more meant to amuse and cast one back into a reverie of old western movies or TV shows . It also seems to come from a different planet than the Homer and Hopper . McCarthy 's sculpture looks a little like the kind of drawings I was making when I was twelve or thirteen . And maybe that 's the point . It 's bawdy and funny , but it isn 't an image I 'm particularly eager to linger on . I don 't have to . The art world is a big tent , so big that no one can ever see all the painting , sculpture or video that has been produced . When I was a young artist I felt the need to look at everything in the art world . Certainly if something was in Art News magazine or in a major art museum it must have something to teach me I figured . But time passed and I found myself developing favorites and wanting to specialize my enthusiasms . Frank Stella and Mark Rothko , abstract painters who were fashionable in the late 1960 's were early heroes . I tried to make paintings like theirs . And not too much later than that I fell under the spell of Edward Hopper and the romance of 19th century landscape . So I changed again , but this time it stuck . I see a great deal of art that tries hard to do something innovative , generally it 's described as avant garde art . Much of it doesn 't work really well , some of it is downright oppressively awful . But every now and then I see something that surprises me in a way I like . I also see lots of landscape paintings because I seek them out ( can 't help myself ) . If I were to ask myself whether I 've seen more unsuccessful landscape paintings or more avant garde pieces of art that were failures , I 'm not sure what the answer would be . Obviously it is hard to do work that is really outstanding . Maybe the small mountains of art that didn 't quite make it are the price we have to pay for the occasional over the top masterpiece . Remember childhood anxieties ? In grade school I worried every day about my school locker . A lot of the time the darned thing wouldn 't open . The lockers were old and the combination locks didn 't work very well for a lot of us kids . Aways I worried at the end of the day it would make me miss the school bus that would take me home . Why couldn 't they just give us each a key ? When I was a little kid there was a print of a Winslow Homer ( Am . 1836 - 1910 ) watercolor hanging above the couch in our living room . I didn 't like it much and can remember sitting on the floor at three years old thinking he should have made his forms more detailed . I actually thought that when I grew up should I choose to I could paint much better watercolors than this Homer fellow . Still it had an amazing ability to make me look at it . The whole business troubled me . Over the years that print of the Homer watercolor got better all by itself . Above is a Homer watercolor that 's new to me , Burnt Mountain now in the Addison Gallery of American Art . It 's got a wonderful darkly glowing quality to its murky purple greys . Homer made so many works on paper . Here was an artist who painted hundreds of major oils that surely took him months to execute . Yet he would fine the time to do countless works on paper too . I believe he felt making them opened a door for him to a more expressive way of seeing . When I first started seriously painting and would visit art museums I had a dark secret . I didn 't like the galleries filled with oil paintings . They seemed to resist me somehow . But I was curiously attracted instead to the galleries showing works on paper . For reasons I don 't fully understand drawings and watercolors showed me more of their secrets than the oil paintings . They seemed eager to share with me their little delights of composition . Over time my eyes grew accustomed to the weightiness of oil paintings and I came to enjoy them as easily as works on paper . But I remember it was art on paper , whether that first Homer painting in my childhood home or those drawing shows in museums , that served as the key . Maybe for all of us our task is to find what it is that will open the doors that are locked to us . To this day , drawing on paper plays a huge role in helping me make my oil paintings . To make art you have to try things you don 't really know how to do . I find I worry less about jumping off into the unknown when I work on paper . If it works , great , and if not , all I 've lost is a piece of paper . It frees you up in a way the heavy , sturdy , and expensive materials of oil painting don 't . I think Winslow Homer felt the same way . Here 's a photo I took of my easels in my studio last week . On the right are two pastels and on the left easel are two in progress oil paintings I 'm working up based on those pastels . The images are of Edward Hopper 's bedroom in Nyack , NY . My exhibit Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio : Paintings by Philip Koch is currently hanging in this room in what 's now the Edward Hopper House Art Center ( through July 1 ) . This is the source for the two pastels , a vine charcoal drawing I did on location standing in the doorway to Hopper 's Nyack bedroom back in April . I 'm just returned from a week in Maine 's Acadia National Park where I made what I hope will be a whole lot of " keys " to make possible some new large , ambitious oil paintings . Here 's Cadillac Mountain III , vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " , 2012 . I started this post with a watercolor by Winslow Homer and then moved on to show some of my Edward Hopper themed work . Very much in the Homer tradition , Hopper did enormous numbers of works on paper from quick compositional sketches for his oils to watercolor compositions like this investigation of a ship 's hull and factory . You can see into his thinking as he sizes up this very complicated jumble of unrelated forms . How can I make sense of this he asked himself ? What he did was experiment . Segregating most of the cooler blue greys and tans up into the foreground he reserved his warmest rust colors for just the far distance . Was the source really like that ? Probably not . But Hopper knew his job was to evoke the feeling the place had for him . He was willing to try moves he had no guarantee would work . So he tried unlocking the problem by working on a modest scale on paper . Hopper is never described as a playful man , but to me that 's exactly what he is when he works on paper . There he 's willing to just follow a whim to see where it would lead him . P . S . Philip Koch 's website , currently at philipkoch . com will be moving at the end of June to a new address : I did a double take over my morning coffee . It 's an oil by the 19th century French painter Millet , Death and the Woodcutter . Like so many paintings by Millet it 's a little masterpiece of intriguing silhouettes and an elegant balancing of warm against cool color , but most of all it 's really creepy . Perhaps I 'm just in a somber mood because the Apple Corporation is pulling the plug on my website hosting service at the end of June . We 've had a good run for the last 5 years or so . Philipkoch . com will still be operational until near the end of the month , but after that it looks like we may have to switch over to a new domain name for my website : philipkoch . org On the same website that startled me this morning with the grim reaper ( artknowledgenews . com which sends out a great series of art exhibit press releases with cool images every morning ) I stumbled across a much friendlier winter landscape by a not so well known landscape painter Dale Nichols ( a native of Nebraska , 1904 - 1995 ) . Nichols ' painting packs a lot into a landscape . Like so many paintings from the 1930 's , the artist models a heavily stated sense of volume into almost every form , and shines in the light from low down near the horizon . It makes for a slightly other - worldly quality I find really appealing ( if one honestly looks one finds reality is more strange and unexpected than we think . Otherworldly - ness is often truthfulness to how things feel ) . Speaking of solidity , here 's one of the most un - solid of paintings , a beautifully luminous and airy winter landscape by the French 19th century artist Camille Pissarro ( also stumbled upon on artknowledgenews . com this morning ) . Pissarro could be a very fine painter and is in the top of his form here . Look at all the different levels of cool greys he employs - from jet black to light grey hints of distant foliage . Pissarro was willing to spend the hours grinding away on his palette to mix just the right chords of colors . One of the real keys to this painting 's success is a drawing move . Pissarro had a deft and sure hand in drawing in the dark trunks of the three or four closest trees - each brings to the painting its own personality . Almost like ballet dancers , they all tell their tale through their own unique gestures as your eye travels up and down their trunks . It seems a simple thing that Pissarro has accomplished here , yet if you look at the tree trunks in paintings by lesser artists you 're confronted with either dreadful monotony or just unconvincing and improbable tree trunks that won 't hold your eye 's interest . Pissarro reminds us there is a poetry to living forms and knows how to show it to you . While Pissarro could turn out a masterpiece like this oil painting , he wasn 't a stranger to creative difficulty . Years ago I read a biography of Pissarro written by one of his sons , also a painter , who quoted from a letter his dad had written him . Apparently Pissarro was going through a bad patch with his paintings and had turned them all around to face his studio wall . Pissarro confesses to his son in the letter that he hadn 't the courage to turn any of them around to take even a peek at any of his " little monsters . " Little Monsters - now there 's a phrase to gladden the heart of any artist who 's lost a battle to make a painting come together and look like something . I 'm not happy to learn Pissarro struggled , but I am happy to know I 'm in good company when I have to work so hard to make some of my more stubborn paintings behave themselves . I don 't seek out difficulty in the studio , but it is a sign an artist is trying to stretch and grow with his or her work . When you 're trying to chart new territory you have to take the wrong turn now and again . It isn 't the fun part as much as it 's the dues you pay to learn how to do something great . Often I tell my students that painting is hard until it 's easy , and then it gets ready to be hard again . Maybe that 's not a particularly snappy way to put it , but I find it 's an accurate account of the creative endeavor . I 'd hasten to tell any artist to be sure to stop and enjoy it when the painting goes well . It 's a reward you 've earned . OK , it doesn 't look all that rough I suppose . I spent last week up in Maine in Acadia National Park . Have been going there to paint pretty much annually since I first went with Alice there to honeymoon in 1982 . Seeing it for the first time back then I immediately felt a great attachment to it 's almost fantastic rocky and cold topography It reminded me of my boyhood home on the shore of Lake Ontario . I think all artists discover certain motifs or places that just grab them . It 's more important that that kind of head - over - heals romance happen than that we understand exactly why . Making a painting after all is a love affair , and I fell in love with Maine . The state is funny - she offers unparalleled landscape opportunities with one hand and dishes out some of the most challenging weather with the other . Those of us artists who insist on working from direct observation instead of relying on photography are a high risk population when we go up there . On our honeymoon we stayed in the absolutely cheapest place we could find , a run down motel in Bar Harbor that in addition to us was host to 5 million ants . We became well acquainted with that eager little species that week . It 's 30 years later and thankfully our finances no longer dictate sharing quarters with all those six legged friends . This time around it rained for at least part of every day we were there , so having a comfortable place to get out of the weather loomed very large . As luck would have it a convention of bird enthusiasts had filled our usual B & B so the owner kindly referred us to their friend Mark Dresser who runs the charming The Maples Inn just down the street . Much as I like B & B 's the quarters can be a little cramped if you 're trying to do some art in the room when the weather is bad . Obviously a clairvoyant genius , Mark booked us into his Siver Maple Suite that had an attached sitting room ( note the nice chairs ) . It made for a perfect little studio for me to finish up the vine charcoal drawings I had begun outdoors . Here I am the morning we left showing oI 've always done my best work when I can begin a piece outdoors where the unexpected contrasts and collisions of forms usually suggest more surprising compositions than we 're likely to invent relying only on our imagination . But that same overabundance of possibilities can get you into trouble - it 's like trying to take a sip of water from a raging fire hose . I need to bring the work back inside and study it against an empty wall to really see what I 've done . Inevitably the work looks different once back inside , and freed from outdoor distractions , I can see best what I need to do to finish a piece off . for most of the drawings , often working through the rhythmic swipe of the windshield wipers . It 's tight in a confined space like that . But that 's the price you pay for being able to work even in driving rain . I also brought one of my French easels for when the weather decided to cooperate . Here 's one of the new drawings , a vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " . It 's done about a third of the way up Cadillac Mountain looking due north into Frenchman 's Bay . What attracted me were the wiggling patterns of smooth reflective water that appear as a subtle gold against a more leaden grey surface of the Bay . The color feel for the whole scene was a restrained yellow against a silver grey , most of it held into the lighter tones . I am very eager to try this in color , probably starting out with some small scale soft pastel drawings on artist 's sandpaper . Then if all goes well I 'll investigate the idea in oils . Here I am working the last day we were there . It had finally cleared for the afternoon and I set up near the Cadillac Mountain summit looking southeast past the Cranberry Islands out to the sea . This was one of those times when having a portable easel made all the difference . Had I had to sit on the ground I would have ended up with an uncomfortably wet behind and with the lowered point of view I 'd have had half of my subject blocked out by the foreground bushes . Years ago when I began landscape painting I used to sit on the ground and prop my painting up against the back of my paint box . It all worked fine most of the time . Except . . . One of the mysterious cosmic principles of landscape painting is that nobody ever comes by to look when the painting is going really well . I 'm convinced they wait out of sight behind thick bushes until they see by your expression that you 're struggling . Somehow they know just when it is that you 've become convinced that you might have been an artist once , but now you 've forgotten everything and it 's hopeless . Then out they come from their hiding places , all smiles , and ask the dreaded question " Art you an artist ? " at exactly the moment it 's finally clear to all that that 's exactly what you 're not . Once years ago I was painting sitting on the ground when a little girl came by and stood over me and watched me silently . After a minute she piped up asking " How old are you ? " and I answered that I was 24 . She replied " Well , I 'm only eight and I 'm already a much better artist than you . " After the encounter with that little girl ( whose neck I am glad to report I resisted the urge to strangle ) I resolved to at least be able to work standing up in case more short little critics like that girl were in my future . With a nifty folding portable easel I figured I would at least look more the part of a real artist regardless of how the painting was going . So I bought an easel and funny thing , the paintings started going better . I always tell my students that good tools make you talented . Maybe it 's true . The Edward Hopper House Art Center in Nyack , NY moved my exhibit Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio : Paintings by Philip Koch upstairs from one of their first floor galleries to hang in Hopper 's bedroom . Carole Perry , Hopper House 's Director , told me they 've never before mounted one of their scheduled exhibits in this room . ( Carole also kindly sent me these photos of the bedroom installation ) . I get the biggest kick out of this . Both Hopper and his mother were born in this room ( though not at the same time , obviously ) . Hopper slept in this room until he was nearly thirty . That 's funny for me to think about as I left home at 18 and never lived there again . No doubt the Hopper family functioned differently than mine . Hopper was legendarily socially awkward and a generally a very remote personality . Most artists aren 't like that . I often wonder about the family dynamics in that house during Hopper 's formative childhood years . As neither Hopper nor his only sister had children , there 's probably nobody around today who really knows much about that . What we do have as living clues to Hopper 's personality of course are his paintings , and they reveal very much . They show us a man whose eyes and heart were wide open to the world . Regular readers of this blog know Hopper was the big influence on me that caused me as a young artist to switch from painting abstractions to working as a realist painter . His work so impressed me that once I 'd seen it there was no turning back . So here we have my own paintings on display in the room where the artist who most inspired and shaped my direction came of age himself . To exhibit in this special place is deeply meaningful to me and a very great honor . Here 's another view of the Nyack bedroom . That 's one of the windows that looks out over North Broadway , one of the main streets in downtown Nyack . It offers an entrancing glimpse of the Hudson River just a block away . Above at the far left is a poster describing my involvement with Hopper 's Cape Cod painting studio over the years . My current exhibit is an intimate grouping of the paintings I 've made during my 13 residencies in that Cape Cod studio . All are views of its interior . Here 's the poster - Normally the upstairs level of the Hopper House Art Center is closed to the public . Re - installing my exhibit up in Hopper 's bedroom provides visitors to the Hopper House an extra bonus . Here 's a little sign in the hallway directing visitors up the stairs to see the bedroom and the new display . And here 's the view from the upstairs hallway of Hopper 's bedroom with three of my oils hanging in the corner above a child 's highchair that was in Hopper 's family and may well have been used to feed little Edward . I just returned last night from Maine where Alice and I spent a week on Mount Desert Island . It was a painting excursion as well as a 30th anniversary celebration of our honeymoon in the same place . Back in 1982 on the Island we hit a batch of cold and often rainy weather . The art gods obliged and served up a similar dose for us this time too . The funny thing is I had a ball and the painting went really well . Go figure . . .

When I was a kid I had a pretty large bedroom . This was where my family set up a ping pong table . We played a lot even though none of us were particularly good . I think we all liked the sound of a good long volley more than anything else - ping , bounce , pong , bounce , ping , and on it went , a curious dance between the two paddles . I got to thinking about this as I started going back into this painting , one I 'd thought I 'd finished last month . It 's a new painting I based on a vine charcoal drawing I did last fall up on Lake Placid in the Adirondack Mountains of northernmost New York State . I really liked how the new oil looked but kept wondering how it might work with a lighter sky . Not wanting to risk the delicate balance it had achieved , I decided to paint a second version with some big variations in the sky 's color . So off I went into the new panel . From the get go it seemed to have a mind of its own , plunging off into a much cooler set of colors . It worked well in this new direction so I loosened the reins and pretty much let the painting start finding its own way . The funny thing is some of the design features in the second panel worked so well I sheepishly re - installed them in the first painting . And the opposite , taking some little feature from the original and putting it in the second version . This went on for a few days , with me bouncing back and forth . You might think this would have left me in the end with two identical paintings . Instead each of the panels developed early on its own distinct personality . What an artist has to do is treat a developing painting almost as if it is a person with an emerging individuality . If you 're open to it you can watch the developing ideas forming and nurture the ones that seem to genuinely help the painting . My wife 's a therapist and often she 's told me how her job isn 't to impose her wisdom on a patient but rather help them along to figure out for themselves what 's best . Painting 's not so different . Actually I like painting more than ping pong . Of course I 'm a much better artist that I am a ping pong athlete . But remembering those casual childhood games of ping pong provides me a better mental picture of what I do in my studio . That 's a good thing . Often I tell my students that painting isn 't something one comes to understand so much as something one experiences . I doubt many people claim they " understand " ping pong , but lots of people have played the game . Those who have surrendered themselves to the curious rhythms of the game with its distinctive movements and sounds . I think that 's an attitude that would help a lot of people get a feeling for what painting is all about . P . S . My old website Philipkoch . com unfortunately will go dark at midnight on Saturday , June 30 , 2012 . A new site , Philipkoch . org has been posted . Over the next few days its content and design will grow to reach the level of the old site . What so many find exciting about Hopper is that he breathed new life into the whole tradition of American landscape painting . The starkly elegant watercolor above is a good example . A great new spanish language video on the major Edward Hopper retrospective exhibition at the Thyssen - Bornemisza Museum in Madrid features a little footage of my current exhibit ( through July1 , 2012 ) at the Edward Hopper House Art Center in Nyack , NY . The video 's producers traveled to New York to gather background material on Hopper 's life and work and went up to Nyack , NY to film Hopper 's boyhood home and interview Carole Perry the Art Center 's Director . Two brief views of my show Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio installed in Hopper 's bedroom appear at about minute 3 : 39 in this beautifully produced overview of Hoppper 's art . It is probably the best video on Hopper yet produced , even for those who don 't speak the language . The Hopper watercolor is one you don 't usually see . It 's a marvelous example of Hopper 's delight in almost wacky juxtapositions . See how he plays up the contrast between the house and the tree by lightening up the shadows in the architecture and darkening them in the tree trunk . He seems to want the forms to feel so different that they collide . Yet he 's smart enough to know he has to still hint at some kind of link between them . And sure enough , the windows and shutters and some small shadows on the shingles are painted in with the colors of the tree 's bark . Hopper helped us see how things really are instead of how we commonly think of them . I don 't think Hopper set out to " be wierd " with his work . Rather it 's that he just noticed things other people had overlooked , realized they contained surprises that were important , and found a way to give them concrete form in his paintings . If anyone ever gave us friendly reminders that it 's worth it to keep your eyes open , he did . Here I am two weeks ago working on a drawing on the summit of Cadillac Mountain in Maine 's Acadia National Park . The wind was blowing like crazy and I was only able to set up the easel by finding a dense stand of little pines to shield me . It was COLD . We had just had a heat wave down in Maryland before we left and neither my wife nor I could bring ourselves to pack winter coats and gloves . Silly us . Often when I 'm out working like this passers by will stop to watch for a minute . Especially when the weather is , ahem , challenging , as it was , they 're likely to ask " why don 't you take a photograph and work from that instead of freezing ? " They have a point , but I 've come to understand it takes even the best painters time to discover what it is they need to say with each painting . Drawing and painting from direct observation by its nature proceeds very slowly . Ours is a language of near infinite subtlety . If you stand outside and take in the space and light with all your senses , including your goose - fleshed skin , you simply understand the landscape better . So many of our decisions as artists come from our unconscious side . Frequently when I 'm later examining one of my pieces that has been successful I 'll notice something good I hadn 't been aware I was doing - like an inventive linking of shapes on opposite sides of the composition . Lots of times it 's the best thing in the painting . So as for the cold , the wind , rain , heat , bugs etc . I say , to quote a certain former President , " Bring it on . . . " You know our ancestors lived outdoors all the time . Maybe one of the jobs of contemporary landscape painters is to help remind us we really are in our bones outdoor critters . Much of the time while we were up there it rained . I was able to get out of the rental car and set up my French easel some of the times . Here 's one of the results , Cadillac Mountain # 4 , vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " , 2012 . I was lower down the mountain for this one , as the summit had by then turned into a wind tunnel . But that 's fine as I loved this view . There 's a sensation of looking up towards the top of a peak that stirs me up in a way I like . Often New England mountains are covered with groves of deciduous trees that early in the season cover the slopes with the most delicate light yellow greens . Here a few taller pines stick their dark heads up punctuating the scene 's rhythm . And here 's another vine charcoal , Cadillac Mountain # 5 , 6 1 / 2 x 13 " , 2012 , done eWhat counts in carving out landscape space is to make the front feel different than the background . That can mean changing the dark and light tones of course . If I end up pursuing this design in oil paints , I 'm sure to pick a set of colors for the distance that will be in opposition to the color of the front forms . When you think about it , that 's all we painters have to work with - making differences that amount to something . It 's not a big tool bag , but when you see what a Rembrandt or a Degas could do with it , you realize it 's enough . Here are three images for you . First , Edward Hopper ( American , 1882 - 1967 ) Night Shadows , 1921 . I love this etching for its moodiness and its unusual point of view . Hopper lived until he was almost 30 in a second story bedroom in his family 's house in Nyack , NY . It had three windows that faced Broadway , one of Nyack 's main streets . Every night when Hopper looked out one of these windows he saw figures just like this one casting shadows as they walked alone down the sidewalk . Hopper had the sense to feel the poetry in his immediate surroundings . And he had the talent and determination to find a way to compose his etching to make you feel so much of what he felt . There are dozens of great design ideas in this print . Let 's look for a moment at just the long cast shadow of the lightpole ( I 'm assuming that 's what it is ) that first catches everyone 's eye when they look at this piece . It moves in from the left and ascends diagonally across the sidewalk , moving deliberately in a direction opposing our walker . It tapers ever so gradually wider and begins to lighten up a bit . Then BANG , it hits the storefront and abruptly swells up into an inky black and wildly abstract shape that cranks its way across the store 's awning and second story . Our lone figure has some very interesting neighbors he 's passing by on his walk . Winslow Homer ( American , 1836 - 1910 ) Fishwives Homer is great and I think I 'll never every get over him . Here 's one of the watercolors he made while living for several years among the fishing people in a small English seacoast town . These were hardworking people who took enormous risks to go out onto uncertain waters to make a living . To Homer , they seemed heroic , both the men and the women . In fact often Homer seems to make the females the real center of the community . Here two women and a child cast a perhaps wary eye out into the rough seas to see how their fishermen are doing . We don 't see their faces yet there 's an undeniable purpose and common bond between these women . Homer gives them expressive power in a whole number of ways . But maybe best of all is the wonderfully inventive little " keyhole " of light ocean we see squeezed between their two hips . The women 's bodies and that piece of water dance perfectly together to form a three part chord . Homer and Hopper had looked long and hard at the work of the painters that had gone before them . They learned from what they saw , internalizing an awesomely vivid language of color and shapes that we simply call " painting . " As one starts to look at their work one can feel it is from another time , but that is is still quietly glowing with a subtle energy . The longer one looks , the more one sees . And the more these artists from the past seem to be alive and ready to talk with us with something important to say . Paul McCarthy is an American sculptor , installation and video artist born in Los Angeles in 1945 . This is a photo from a mixed media installation from 1966 . His work has received considerable attention in recent years . The McCarthy piece seems much more tongue - in - cheek , more meant to amuse and cast one back into a reverie of old western movies or TV shows . It also seems to come from a different planet than the Homer and Hopper . McCarthy 's sculpture looks a little like the kind of drawings I was making when I was twelve or thirteen . And maybe that 's the point . It 's bawdy and funny , but it isn 't an image I 'm particularly eager to linger on . I don 't have to . The art world is a big tent , so big that no one can ever see all the painting , sculpture or video that has been produced . When I was a young artist I felt the need to look at everything in the art world . Certainly if something was in Art News magazine or in a major art museum it must have something to teach me I figured . But time passed and I found myself developing favorites and wanting to specialize my enthusiasms . Frank Stella and Mark Rothko , abstract painters who were fashionable in the late 1960 's were early heroes . I tried to make paintings like theirs . And not too much later than that I fell under the spell of Edward Hopper and the romance of 19th century landscape . So I changed again , but this time it stuck . I see a great deal of art that tries hard to do something innovative , generally it 's described as avant garde art . Much of it doesn 't work really well , some of it is downright oppressively awful . But every now and then I see something that surprises me in a way I like . I also see lots of landscape paintings because I seek them out ( can 't help myself ) . If I were to ask myself whether I 've seen more unsuccessful landscape paintings or more avant garde pieces of art that were failures , I 'm not sure what the answer would be . Obviously it is hard to do work that is really outstanding . Maybe the small mountains of art that didn 't quite make it are the price we have to pay for the occasional over the top masterpiece . Remember childhood anxieties ? In grade school I worried every day about my school locker . A lot of the time the darned thing wouldn 't open . The lockers were old and the combination locks didn 't work very well for a lot of us kids . Aways I worried at the end of the day it would make me miss the school bus that would take me home . Why couldn 't they just give us each a key ? When I was a little kid there was a print of a Winslow Homer ( Am . 1836 - 1910 ) watercolor hanging above the couch in our living room . I didn 't like it much and can remember sitting on the floor at three years old thinking he should have made his forms more detailed . I actually thought that when I grew up should I choose to I could paint much better watercolors than this Homer fellow . Still it had an amazing ability to make me look at it . The whole business troubled me . Over the years that print of the Homer watercolor got better all by itself . Above is a Homer watercolor that 's new to me , Burnt Mountain now in the Addison Gallery of American Art . It 's got a wonderful darkly glowing quality to its murky purple greys . Homer made so many works on paper . Here was an artist who painted hundreds of major oils that surely took him months to execute . Yet he would fine the time to do countless works on paper too . I believe he felt making them opened a door for him to a more expressive way of seeing . When I first started seriously painting and would visit art museums I had a dark secret . I didn 't like the galleries filled with oil paintings . They seemed to resist me somehow . But I was curiously attracted instead to the galleries showing works on paper . For reasons I don 't fully understand drawings and watercolors showed me more of their secrets than the oil paintings . They seemed eager to share with me their little delights of composition . Over time my eyes grew accustomed to the weightiness of oil paintings and I came to enjoy them as easily as works on paper . But I remember it was art on paper , whether that first Homer painting in my childhood home or those drawing shows in museums , that served as the key . Maybe for all of us our task is to find what it is that will open the doors that are locked to us . To this day , drawing on paper plays a huge role in helping me make my oil paintings . To make art you have to try things you don 't really know how to do . I find I worry less about jumping off into the unknown when I work on paper . If it works , great , and if not , all I 've lost is a piece of paper . It frees you up in a way the heavy , sturdy , and expensive materials of oil painting don 't . I think Winslow Homer felt the same way . Here 's a photo I took of my easels in my studio last week . On the right are two pastels and on the left easel are two in progress oil paintings I 'm working up based on those pastels . The images are of Edward Hopper 's bedroom in Nyack , NY . My exhibit Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio : Paintings by Philip Koch is currently hanging in this room in what 's now the Edward Hopper House Art Center ( through July 1 ) . This is the source for the two pastels , a vine charcoal drawing I did on location standing in the doorway to Hopper 's Nyack bedroom back in April . I 'm just returned from a week in Maine 's Acadia National Park where I made what I hope will be a whole lot of " keys " to make possible some new large , ambitious oil paintings . Here 's Cadillac Mountain III , vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " , 2012 . I started this post with a watercolor by Winslow Homer and then moved on to show some of my Edward Hopper themed work . Very much in the Homer tradition , Hopper did enormous numbers of works on paper from quick compositional sketches for his oils to watercolor compositions like this investigation of a ship 's hull and factory . You can see into his thinking as he sizes up this very complicated jumble of unrelated forms . How can I make sense of this he asked himself ? What he did was experiment . Segregating most of the cooler blue greys and tans up into the foreground he reserved his warmest rust colors for just the far distance . Was the source really like that ? Probably not . But Hopper knew his job was to evoke the feeling the place had for him . He was willing to try moves he had no guarantee would work . So he tried unlocking the problem by working on a modest scale on paper . Hopper is never described as a playful man , but to me that 's exactly what he is when he works on paper . There he 's willing to just follow a whim to see where it would lead him . P . S . Philip Koch 's website , currently at philipkoch . com will be moving at the end of June to a new address : I did a double take over my morning coffee . It 's an oil by the 19th century French painter Millet , Death and the Woodcutter . Like so many paintings by Millet it 's a little masterpiece of intriguing silhouettes and an elegant balancing of warm against cool color , but most of all it 's really creepy . Perhaps I 'm just in a somber mood because the Apple Corporation is pulling the plug on my website hosting service at the end of June . We 've had a good run for the last 5 years or so . Philipkoch . com will still be operational until near the end of the month , but after that it looks like we may have to switch over to a new domain name for my website : philipkoch . org On the same website that startled me this morning with the grim reaper ( artknowledgenews . com which sends out a great series of art exhibit press releases with cool images every morning ) I stumbled across a much friendlier winter landscape by a not so well known landscape painter Dale Nichols ( a native of Nebraska , 1904 - 1995 ) . Nichols ' painting packs a lot into a landscape . Like so many paintings from the 1930 's , the artist models a heavily stated sense of volume into almost every form , and shines in the light from low down near the horizon . It makes for a slightly other - worldly quality I find really appealing ( if one honestly looks one finds reality is more strange and unexpected than we think . Otherworldly - ness is often truthfulness to how things feel ) . Speaking of solidity , here 's one of the most un - solid of paintings , a beautifully luminous and airy winter landscape by the French 19th century artist Camille Pissarro ( also stumbled upon on artknowledgenews . com this morning ) . Pissarro could be a very fine painter and is in the top of his form here . Look at all the different levels of cool greys he employs - from jet black to light grey hints of distant foliage . Pissarro was willing to spend the hours grinding away on his palette to mix just the right chords of colors . One of the real keys to this painting 's success is a drawing move . Pissarro had a deft and sure hand in drawing in the dark trunks of the three or four closest trees - each brings to the painting its own personality . Almost like ballet dancers , they all tell their tale through their own unique gestures as your eye travels up and down their trunks . It seems a simple thing that Pissarro has accomplished here , yet if you look at the tree trunks in paintings by lesser artists you 're confronted with either dreadful monotony or just unconvincing and improbable tree trunks that won 't hold your eye 's interest . Pissarro reminds us there is a poetry to living forms and knows how to show it to you . While Pissarro could turn out a masterpiece like this oil painting , he wasn 't a stranger to creative difficulty . Years ago I read a biography of Pissarro written by one of his sons , also a painter , who quoted from a letter his dad had written him . Apparently Pissarro was going through a bad patch with his paintings and had turned them all around to face his studio wall . Pissarro confesses to his son in the letter that he hadn 't the courage to turn any of them around to take even a peek at any of his " little monsters . " Little Monsters - now there 's a phrase to gladden the heart of any artist who 's lost a battle to make a painting come together and look like something . I 'm not happy to learn Pissarro struggled , but I am happy to know I 'm in good company when I have to work so hard to make some of my more stubborn paintings behave themselves . I don 't seek out difficulty in the studio , but it is a sign an artist is trying to stretch and grow with his or her work . When you 're trying to chart new territory you have to take the wrong turn now and again . It isn 't the fun part as much as it 's the dues you pay to learn how to do something great . Often I tell my students that painting is hard until it 's easy , and then it gets ready to be hard again . Maybe that 's not a particularly snappy way to put it , but I find it 's an accurate account of the creative endeavor . I 'd hasten to tell any artist to be sure to stop and enjoy it when the painting goes well . It 's a reward you 've earned . OK , it doesn 't look all that rough I suppose . I spent last week up in Maine in Acadia National Park . Have been going there to paint pretty much annually since I first went with Alice there to honeymoon in 1982 . Seeing it for the first time back then I immediately felt a great attachment to it 's almost fantastic rocky and cold topography It reminded me of my boyhood home on the shore of Lake Ontario . I think all artists discover certain motifs or places that just grab them . It 's more important that that kind of head - over - heals romance happen than that we understand exactly why . Making a painting after all is a love affair , and I fell in love with Maine . The state is funny - she offers unparalleled landscape opportunities with one hand and dishes out some of the most challenging weather with the other . Those of us artists who insist on working from direct observation instead of relying on photography are a high risk population when we go up there . On our honeymoon we stayed in the absolutely cheapest place we could find , a run down motel in Bar Harbor that in addition to us was host to 5 million ants . We became well acquainted with that eager little species that week . It 's 30 years later and thankfully our finances no longer dictate sharing quarters with all those six legged friends . This time around it rained for at least part of every day we were there , so having a comfortable place to get out of the weather loomed very large . As luck would have it a convention of bird enthusiasts had filled our usual B & B so the owner kindly referred us to their friend Mark Dresser who runs the charming The Maples Inn just down the street . Much as I like B & B 's the quarters can be a little cramped if you 're trying to do some art in the room when the weather is bad . Obviously a clairvoyant genius , Mark booked us into his Siver Maple Suite that had an attached sitting room ( note the nice chairs ) . It made for a perfect little studio for me to finish up the vine charcoal drawings I had begun outdoors . Here I am the morning we left showing oI 've always done my best work when I can begin a piece outdoors where the unexpected contrasts and collisions of forms usually suggest more surprising compositions than we 're likely to invent relying only on our imagination . But that same overabundance of possibilities can get you into trouble - it 's like trying to take a sip of water from a raging fire hose . I need to bring the work back inside and study it against an empty wall to really see what I 've done . Inevitably the work looks different once back inside , and freed from outdoor distractions , I can see best what I need to do to finish a piece off . for most of the drawings , often working through the rhythmic swipe of the windshield wipers . It 's tight in a confined space like that . But that 's the price you pay for being able to work even in driving rain . I also brought one of my French easels for when the weather decided to cooperate . Here 's one of the new drawings , a vine charcoal , 9 x 12 " . It 's done about a third of the way up Cadillac Mountain looking due north into Frenchman 's Bay . What attracted me were the wiggling patterns of smooth reflective water that appear as a subtle gold against a more leaden grey surface of the Bay . The color feel for the whole scene was a restrained yellow against a silver grey , most of it held into the lighter tones . I am very eager to try this in color , probably starting out with some small scale soft pastel drawings on artist 's sandpaper . Then if all goes well I 'll investigate the idea in oils . Here I am working the last day we were there . It had finally cleared for the afternoon and I set up near the Cadillac Mountain summit looking southeast past the Cranberry Islands out to the sea . This was one of those times when having a portable easel made all the difference . Had I had to sit on the ground I would have ended up with an uncomfortably wet behind and with the lowered point of view I 'd have had half of my subject blocked out by the foreground bushes . Years ago when I began landscape painting I used to sit on the ground and prop my painting up against the back of my paint box . It all worked fine most of the time . Except . . . One of the mysterious cosmic principles of landscape painting is that nobody ever comes by to look when the painting is going really well . I 'm convinced they wait out of sight behind thick bushes until they see by your expression that you 're struggling . Somehow they know just when it is that you 've become convinced that you might have been an artist once , but now you 've forgotten everything and it 's hopeless . Then out they come from their hiding places , all smiles , and ask the dreaded question " Art you an artist ? " at exactly the moment it 's finally clear to all that that 's exactly what you 're not . Once years ago I was painting sitting on the ground when a little girl came by and stood over me and watched me silently . After a minute she piped up asking " How old are you ? " and I answered that I was 24 . She replied " Well , I 'm only eight and I 'm already a much better artist than you . " After the encounter with that little girl ( whose neck I am glad to report I resisted the urge to strangle ) I resolved to at least be able to work standing up in case more short little critics like that girl were in my future . With a nifty folding portable easel I figured I would at least look more the part of a real artist regardless of how the painting was going . So I bought an easel and funny thing , the paintings started going better . I always tell my students that good tools make you talented . Maybe it 's true . The Edward Hopper House Art Center in Nyack , NY moved my exhibit Inside Edward Hopper 's Truro Studio : Paintings by Philip Koch upstairs from one of their first floor galleries to hang in Hopper 's bedroom . Carole Perry , Hopper House 's Director , told me they 've never before mounted one of their scheduled exhibits in this room . ( Carole also kindly sent me these photos of the bedroom installation ) . I get the biggest kick out of this . Both Hopper and his mother were born in this room ( though not at the same time , obviously ) . Hopper slept in this room until he was nearly thirty . That 's funny for me to think about as I left home at 18 and never lived there again . No doubt the Hopper family functioned differently than mine . Hopper was legendarily socially awkward and a generally a very remote personality . Most artists aren 't like that . I often wonder about the family dynamics in that house during Hopper 's formative childhood years . As neither Hopper nor his only sister had children , there 's probably nobody around today who really knows much about that . What we do have as living clues to Hopper 's personality of course are his paintings , and they reveal very much . They show us a man whose eyes and heart were wide open to the world . Regular readers of this blog know Hopper was the big influence on me that caused me as a young artist to switch from painting abstractions to working as a realist painter . His work so impressed me that once I 'd seen it there was no turning back . So here we have my own paintings on display in the room where the artist who most inspired and shaped my direction came of age himself . To exhibit in this special place is deeply meaningful to me and a very great honor . Here 's another view of the Nyack bedroom . That 's one of the windows that looks out over North Broadway , one of the main streets in downtown Nyack . It offers an entrancing glimpse of the Hudson River just a block away . Above at the far left is a poster describing my involvement with Hopper 's Cape Cod painting studio over the years . My current exhibit is an intimate grouping of the paintings I 've made during my 13 residencies in that Cape Cod studio . All are views of its interior . Here 's the poster - Normally the upstairs level of the Hopper House Art Center is closed to the public . Re - installing my exhibit up in Hopper 's bedroom provides visitors to the Hopper House an extra bonus . Here 's a little sign in the hallway directing visitors up the stairs to see the bedroom and the new display . And here 's the view from the upstairs hallway of Hopper 's bedroom with three of my oils hanging in the corner above a child 's highchair that was in Hopper 's family and may well have been used to feed little Edward . I just returned last night from Maine where Alice and I spent a week on Mount Desert Island . It was a painting excursion as well as a 30th anniversary celebration of our honeymoon in the same place . Back in 1982 on the Island we hit a batch of cold and often rainy weather . The art gods obliged and served up a similar dose for us this time too . The funny thing is I had a ball and the painting went really well . Go figure . . .

I finally got back to my office after nearly two weeks away . My office has nice , pretty new furniture . It has a lava lamp , some other mood lighting and a comfortable chair . I have plenty of philosophy books and a plant . I also have huge windows that look into the back of the CC ( well , it was supposed to be the front , but the architects were dumb ) . . . out the back of my CC I see a nice nature scene , up close the pin oak is the place where the smokers congregate . Most of last summer a couple took an afternoon break for some snuggling in the grass . I missed my office on our debate tour . I also missed my faculty friends . It was very nice to see them today , and tomorrow I 'm planning to go in to do some grading and general organizing suff - - and I look forward to seeing them . Of course , I also have 2 Intro to Philosophy exams to grade ( short answer and essay . . ) , 1 logic exam to grade ( truth tables , ish . . ) and a set of argument analysis projects to grade . On top of this , the Irish Times National Debate Champs will arrive here for their visit on Sunday . We have a debate event on Monday afternoon and evening . They leave on Tuesday morning and I have to spend Tuesday afternoon reviewing job applications . yea - - I have plenty to do in my little office . . . but , it is good to be home . A while back ( were I good with tags , I 'd give one . . . maybe a summer project learning how to do that . . . ) I wrote about an acquantance who was planning to move and put down their old cats because they can 't live in their new place . . . After several comments on her blog asking her not to do it , she said they 'd try to find someplace ( yea . . . right . ) . Well , a recent check of her blog said that her mom had them put down - - the claim was the pound wouldn 't take them because they are too old to be adopted out . She lives in a pretty major metro area , I 'm surprised there wasn 't a no - kill shelter to take them . . . hell , Duluth has one ( mom got dog # 1 there ) . I 'm sad - - I can 't see how living in a nicer condo can be worth killing two healthy cats . She claims that it is actually more kind to put them down than to have them potentially separated and in cages . I disagree - - death or separation . . . hmmm . . . . . As someone who lives with three cats ( one illegal according to the lease ) - - I know that it is a bit harder to find someplace to rent that accepts cats . I also know that two cats is pretty much the standard number allowed , and that if you actually WANT to find someplace that will accept your cats , it can be done . I 've rejected very " sweet " places in Denver , Omaha and St . Paul that wouldn 't let me have the old cat who is on me as I write . Sure , it took a bit more effort on my part - - I may have even had to change spring break plans , drive across town or commute extra time - - but I worked it out on a limited budget , at least twice while both doing graduate work in philosophy and teaching . Sometimes people suck . . . On the way home from Portland yesterday I had a sudden bout of missing Pam . . . Almost five years ago - - it will be five years Memorial Day weekend - - was the last time I saw my little sister . She died in November of 2001 - - she lived in Minneapolis when she died , I lived in Omaha . The Friday of Memorial Day weekend 2001 Pam was going out to Seattle to see her friend . Pam was flying on my step - dad 's family passes on United . She got on the flight from Minneapolis to Denver with plans to connect to Seattle , but all of the Seattle flights were full . Jason and I were sitting at home that late afternoon when the phone rang . . . it was Pam - - who said , " what are you doing this weekend " - - when I replied that we were going to just be hanging out - - she asked if I 'd pick her up at the airport . . . there was a flight leaving for Omaha and she 'd be there in a little over an hour . I told her to come outside , we 'd be there - - - things like that were typical of her - - impulsive , fun and always warm - spirited . When she got there , she explained that she was walking down the hallway in the airport when she saw a sign that said " Omaha " and knew she should come see me . We had a really fun time doing pretty much nothing . We did go to the Farmer 's Market , where we bought Mark a ceramic green pepper ( he hates them ) and she bought me a small pewter cat on a silk cord . . . she hung it in my car that day and I moved it to my new car a couple of years ago . When I get a tatoo ( when a team of mine wins a tournament . . . ) I 'll get that tatooed over my heart . Pam snored terribly - - and it was worse when her allergies were bad - - like , always . . . I 'll never forget my poly - dactyl cat peeking under the guest room door and sniffing along the wall of the guest room trying to figure out what was making that racket . It was really funny - - and when we told her what he 'd been up to she thought it was hillarious . In retrospect , it seems like fate that she came out to see me . . . kind of like she knew it would be the last time we 'd have to spend together - - - like she wPosted by I 've been a bit busy with nationals . . . here are the results for my little team : ) . One elimination round appearance , dropped right away on a 2 - 1 , a really good novice speaker award and a really good ( but not the top ) community college tournament sweepstakes award . I also got to judge the final round . . and wasn 't one of the 2 on the bottom of the 2 - 9 decision . We were also in the top 10 for season sweepstakes , but they only give trophies for the top 5 . Overall , not a bad year for us . I have one person ( swear jar ) coming back next year . He seems to be pretty energized by all of this . He 's also uber - dependable and will make a really good team leader next year . He 's sure he wants to go to debate camp to do policy this summer . . . . . but I kind of think he 's saying that to bug me . I 'm especially sad that D2 more than likely won 't be debating next year . He 's really worked hard and developed a lot - - to the point where he 's beating D1 on speaker points . Overall , this has been a good year . I 'm very pleased with our progress - - I wish that the team had put more time and effort into preparation for these tournaments and into their homework . . . but , that is something I could say every year . It is a significant improvement from last year - - and for that I am more than proud . Now . . . if only we can pull off this Irish debate - - Herbie hasn 't responded about the posters for it . . . and the press - release woman at BNCC doesn 't seem to think it is a good idea , so hasn 't put one out yet either . . . aarghhhhhhhhhh - - well , if she doesn 't , big guy and his boss will be pretty irritated with her . I hold the event and supply the debaters , all she has to do is to let people know it is coming . When I first started coaching at BNCC , I was regularly asked why we didn 't go to the CC national tournament . . . . I was told " it is fun " blah , blah , blah . . . The general idea behind that tournament is that the two - year schools in debate have a unique set of challenges . . . mostly because we almost never have debaters in their third or fourth years . We also have multiple partner changes and other things that our debaters need to be doing like working to pay the rent etc . . . These things make it difficult to compete with teams from four - year schools who have fewer distractions and more time to develop debaters . The result is CC nationals ( it has a greek honorary name I 'll call PPP ) . The problem is that PPP is also , structurally , unlike most national tournaments . There isn 't one winner , instead you take home either a bronze , silver or gold medal . . . and while that sounds all cool and Olympics - like , it isn 't , as there may be up to 20 teams who get " gold " . . . all you have to do is to win two elimination rounds . Debate - wise , we 'd " pone " them - - easy . . . . at least this year . One problem is that we don 't play in their circuit on a regular basis - - so we don 't know their judges etc . We don 't know the regular arguments they run , we don 't know the norms and the kids don 't have ANY friends from two year schools . . . A bigger problem is that it does kind of put us into , what someone else has called " the Special Olympics of Debate " . Now . . I 'm not sure I 'd go as far as to say that . . . . but I can see where the impression comes from . The basic message is that " you kids are at a CC , you can 't compete with the BIG KIDS , here - - have your own " special " tournament " . . . no - - that is BULL . Because we are in Debate Sibera our only local competition is ALL four - year schools . We debate them on a regular basis , we learn from them and often we teach them a thing or two . That is the way it should be . Our program goal is to get students debate scholarships . If they are debating other four - year schools all the time , they 'll learn how to do it while they are wPosted by Both teams are 3 - 2 , there are 3 more prelim rounds tomorrow - - of which they must win two to avoid being eliminated . We are also beating our ( secret ) rivals by at least 1 win - - and we are ahead of the other in - state programs by a few . It was a good day - - - capped off by a speed eat at a closing Chinese buffet restaurant . D1 isn 't going to die of ebola . Rex and Swear - Jar won on a " consult elephants " counterplan . . . where they wanted to actually ASK the elephants if they wanted to be released from zoos . . . It is nice to have Swear Jar back , we missed him a lot - - he has a way of saying sutff that should be horribly offensive , but isn 't - - really - - because we know he doesn 't mean it , even if he is a Republican : ) . All is good in the land of BNCC - - and I only miss my bed and my cats a little . . . ( lot , but sure . . . ) . time for bed - - - I rarely post about really personal stuff anymore . . . but this was just too funny not to share . . Last night hubby and I ( back in a king sized bed YEA ! ! ! ! ) were snuggling and laughing , like usual , He said something that made me want to kick him ( in play , only ) . We were spooned with me in front . Somehow I managed to kick him in the butt with my heel . He was surprised , saying " tell me how you are kicking my ass " - - which I found very funny . Good way to start NPjkldaDA . Today is the start of the BIG national debate tournament . . . NPjfdkaDA . Hubby and I figured out that we are in the running for the two - year school sweepstakes award , our self - imposed rivals ( I doubt they think we are rivals ) have four teams here - - we have two - - so our two have to beat their four in numbers of wins . We have a total of 16 rounds to do it in ( 8 per team . . ) , but if our teams perform at their peak - - it is possible . We have an astonishingly good shot at # 2 , which was really my goal for the year . This is always hard to predict , as most of the two year schools are way outside of our normal circuit ( i . e . my team ALWAYS competes against students from four - year schools ) . Wish us luck - - we are the little team that kicks ass . . . At my CC the chairs are kind of like administrivia assistants to the deans . Their only real task is to organize stuff and transmit information . Our current chair has a bad habit of doing it poorly as often as she has done it well . A case in point . . . A while back , while at a debate tournament , I get a flurry of e - mails about appointments with the architects for our building . They are planning a remodel and need our input . We are instructed to make appointments to see them , by department , ASAP . We are not told why or how to prepare for this meeting . When we get there , they ask us some basic shit like " where is your office " and " where do you teach " and ' can you get from your office to your classroom " and " how many students do you have in your classes " . ALL of this info is on BNCC 's website - - ALL of it . They didn 't need us for that - - I did get to suggest a debate squad room , but that is the sum total of the new information they got from my department . We spent 20 minutes as a group - - when it is nearly impossible to schedule us at the same time - - and that time was wasted . Come to find out , department chair had the info on the meetings . . nature , purpose etc - - and neglected to share . Now today , I get the following e - mail . . . " Don 't forget to turn in your Spring 2007 schedule by today " . . HUH ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I 've been out of town for less than a week . I 've been planning this trip for a couple of months . It is not news to her , my senior person in the discipline nor my dean - - - SO - - why did none of them mention the schedule discussions that would go on while I was gone ? My guess is that chair had her head up her ass again . This is a huge concern to me , simply because I need a particular schedule to travel with debate . I have to be able to be off campus from Thursday afternoon until late Monday afternoon . Thus , I can teach in about 5 total time slots - - M / W 2 : 00 - 3 : 15 & 4 : 00 - 5 : 15 and T / Th starting at 7 : 45 , 9 : 30 and 11 : 00 . Debate is M / W nights . If this gets out of whack , then Spring 2007 debate travel requires me to cancel classesPosted by We are done at the beach house and are moved to Corvallis for the last national championship . It was hard to leave the great place we found - - but it was time to go . One more major tournament , and then one easier national tournament to go this year and we 'll be done until next year . I think I 'm ready - - I keep having daydreams about going places with hubby and not counting heads when we stop to pee . A kind of strange thing happened via the internets today . . . big guy found the threaded discussion area where we discuss debate stuff . . . Bene - Nets . . . or , something like that : ) . It wasn 't hard to figure out who hubby and I were there , and I 'm DAMM GLAD I haven 't done any complaining about my administration there - - only nice stuff . . . because there is only nice stuff to say about them in real life . Sure , I complained about the business office trolls once or twice ( ' cuz they deserved it . . ) but I also gave those complaints to administration so it isn 't much of a secret or anything . I shouldn 't be surprised that he found it , it isn 't hard - - I do find it a bit odd that he actually took the time to look at it during the conference he 's attending away from home ( or , maybe he hasn 't left yet ? ? ) . I had sent him an e - mail using the acronyms for our nationals , perhaps he googled them - - I think the discussion board comes up with a google . I know it is linked a bazillion ways , so it makes sense - - it is just kind of odd because I 've never had anybody in my administration care enough to find it pretty much on their own . He also told me that he couldn 't make it back for the " big on - campus debate about a controversial topic that I can 't identify further because it will really blow my cover " deal week after next , but that the president of the school rearranged his itenerary to be there . wow . no pressure or anything , what with my tenure track proposal due less than two weeks after the event . . . yikes . I can 't say a whole lot about this . . . but I do have a general observation - - - Sometimes people think they are being " funny " and helpful , but they are really showing that they are immature , self - rightous jerks . . Along the way they are showing themselves as rude and pretty much taking advantage of those who are trying to help them . I 'd say this is a factor of age , but really it is about maturity - - young doesn 't seem to factor into it . People like this make me realize that those who don 't help others and just look out for themselves may have a point . Going out of your way to help people only opens you up to being kicked in the face and disrespected . What good is that ? Maybe I 'll take a cue from a colleague and only come in to do my job and that which helps me . On the other hand , there are people that make it worthwhile - - - We are at a great beach house for four days . . . relaxation and some work . . . in wonderful surroundings . It is big enough for us to have our own spaces and very nicely decorated with wood floors , a gourmet kitchen , fireplace and wireless internet . I was afraid it would be a lot less nice than the internet photos - - and , if I were a tech savy blogger , I 'd post you a link . For those of you who don 't know me and don 't know about the debate world , I 'll give some background . 1 ) Most debaters in college are male as are most judges . This is true in both Parliamentary debate and in policy debate . The reasons for this I think are very complicated , at least in the debate world I know - - parli . The fact of the matter is that female college students have more demands and expectations placed on them . They tend to get fewer debate scholarships in policy debate and in parli debate we have fewer scholarships to give . . . so they have to divide their time to a much greater extent than many male debaters . The result is that there are generally more men winning tournaments than women . 2 ) Our style of Parliamentary debate is significantly younger than policy debate . This year will be the 13th or 14th ever national tournament for what I usually cal NPJFKDLADA nationals ( to keep the blogger - google searches from finding me ) - - it is a large open national tournament . This year was the 6th ever NPKQRS tournament - - It has been the case that there have been a higher percentage of competitive females in parli debate . 3 ) Some people object to NPKQRS because we use a system of judge selection called Mutual Preference Judging . In this sytem teams rank judges on a 3 , 5 or 9 point scale , indicating which judges they most or least prefer to have judge their round . When a judge is selected for a round , the judge should have an equal preference level for both sides . So , if you pretty much hate your judge , then you can be sure the other side does too - - so at least it is fair . 4 ) Those who object to the use of MPJ object because of studies in the policy community that say it is biased against women . They say that the system allows teams to avoid being judged by women and that women generally rank significantly lower than men in the preferencing system . There are probably a bunch of complicated reasons for this , including the fact that there are many fewer women on the policy circuit , and the use of MPJ in regular seasonPosted by D1 / D2 ended up with four ballots - - they needed 3 more to make elimination rounds . . . oh well . Things are going well - - my pal from LA kind of wants to hurt my pal from WW . . . . hubby seems pretty happy and I 'm tired already . . . and it isn 't even noon yet . We broke just enough teams to force an extra elim round tonight . I 'm really glad we drove over here , as walking home at 1 : 00AM after the last round and all is cleaned up would suck . We have a big van ( like a normal debate team ) so we 'll probably have a bunch of passengers . So far we 've had no controversy - - but that is still to come , once the tournament gets smaller , the stakes get higher and the pairing / judge situaiton gets more tricky . Until then , peace - - - So . . . D1 / D2 are now 2 - 8 . They had what they said was a good 5th round , but lost both ballots on kind of a concession ? ? I 'm not sure what they are doing this round - - suffice it to say that they plan to have some fun and do some good debate , and have some fun . Tomorrow , they 'll watch some good debate and help friends prep etc . . . and Monday we 'll go to the ocean . Spring 06 plans . . . April - - As dog dad says , why not turn in your area papers to see what they say about them ? They worst they can do is to say no , and you are functionally there anyway . So - - - I 'll give myself a few days to get caught up and then give the papers one more proof and send them to grad school . They are supposed to give good critiques of the papers - - and that will give me ideas as to paths to revisoins . Also - - e - mail current authority to ask for a copy of his work in my area . He told me in February he could send it in April . . . yea ! Summer 06 plans . . . May - - a couple of days of R & R - - - then three hours of writing per day to : Work on revisions from comments on Spring 06 . . . . Develop status quo chapter on justice after war . . . ( i . e . lit review . . ) . June - - Conference at the end of June , so I 'll have to work on my seminar and exercises - - 1 week , plus 4 days for conferenceWork on objections to status quo and solutions chapter . July - - Short vacation - - probably camping or NYC for a long weekend . . . Get ready for Fall 06Devise plan for next chapter , look at project to see what is missing . . . August - - Debate camp ( probably . . . we 'll see for sure ) . Short break before school starts again . . . . Wow , when put into this format , there isn 't a whole lot of time . I 'll see what I can get done . Coaching at a CC is bittersweet - - on one hand , you get to coach students who are smart and motivated by both personal experiences with injustice AND competitive drive . They don 't expect you to do all of their work for them and they generally appreciate what you do . They aren 't used to having people do things for them , nor are they used to winning just because they show up . They also are facing bigger challenges and time limitations than most debaters , so debate time is their recreation not something they do as a matter of course . On the other hand , they go away . I can honestly say that I 'm really going to miss D1 / D2 and Rex when they move on . They are nice and good to one another - - when they aren 't trying to break D2 : ) . They try hard and have great attitudes . They are fun to travel with and aren 't quick to complain about anything . I 'd love to see all three of them continue debating , although I 'm pretty certain only D1 will do so . Also , we don 't really have seniors - - since our students move on , we don 't have the closure that comes from having a debater for four years and who is finishing their debate career . Tournament wise - - - we started KQRS nationals with locked doors and a building manager who didn 't expect to see us until 9 : 00 - - - sounds like another host issue . . . of which we 've had a few . Rex is exraordinarliy helpful . I 'm happy he 's her . We got the third round off 15 minutes EARLY - - which makes me happy . All the judges showed up , we didn 't have a printer SNAFU and they are mostly picking up their ballots . YEA . Tomorrow will likely be another story , but the hotel is close and we can go bang on their doors if necessary . I just did a quick count - - and of the judges I know - - ( i . e . almost all of them ) at most there are 8 or 9 that have been doing this as long or longer than I . . . and of that number 3 are in doubt - - - damm . . . maybe it is time for me to stop doing debate . I hate to leave my girlfriend from MO and my pal from CO in the pool by themselves , but this isn 't my field . Competition wise . . . D1 / D2 took a hard loss the first round . They thought they were winning , and they lost 2 - 0 . Last round it got messy and they split 1 - 1 . This round they could and should win - - - we 'll see . We are on the good side of the resolution for us and the judge panel . . . Community wise - - - It is nice to see a long - time pal ( since he was competing . . ) here . He 's the one I would love to have take over for me at BNCC . I 'm sure we 'll be able to pay him more than he 'll get at his next gig - - and he 'd be the guy in charge . Together with the other debate coach already on the faculty , they wouldn 't DARE kill the team . . . . we 'd take the place down in support of my pal . We 've made it to Eugene and we have a bag full of books from Powell 's to boot . . . . . For those of you who don 't know , Powell 's is an amazing bookstore in Portland , OR . It is someplace that you could wander in for years and not get bored or sad - - If Powell 's was next door to IKEA , I 'd never have to go anyplace . D1 / D2 / Rex are having a ruckus nextdoor . . . I 'm not sure why , but they should be napping . I remember being their age and not needing more than a cat nap every 24 hours . I hope they 'll be ok for competition tomorrow . They are probably getting psyched in their own way for KDWB nationals - - and I shouldn 't worry about them . Oregon is really pretty . We saw newly shorn sheep and dafodils growing wild in the ditch . Also , plenty of pretty mountain / hill - like features . I 'm looking forward to the Oregon coast this week . My teaching circle is 7 / 8ths wonderful and one dork who is in his own little world . Keep in mind that I 'm able to read a calendar , thus - - when I scheduled my teaching circle meetings I purposly avoided having a meeting on Friday 3 - 17 ( today ) . I knew for sure that by 3 : 00 I 'd either be in Oregon or on the way here - - I get an email from faculty dork asking about the circle meeting today . . . and acting like it was RE - SCHEULED . . . NO . . . dork child , you can 't re - scheule something that was never scheduled in the first damm place . I 'm pretty irritated with this guy , as he refueses to follow directions and claims that it is because he is so busy . Perhaps it is because he isn 't able to intellectually handle the basic schedule I 've been on for several years . . i . e . being overcommitted - - Sadly , I have to make nice and not tell him he 's a big pain in my ass , although I 'd like to . He 's actually working on the same f - ing goals he had in the very first circle I was ever in almost three years ago . If I were still working on the same relatively simple thing three years later I 'd either kill myself or give up . I suppose there is something to be said for being persistant . . . So far so good . . . D1 is here for the night , big sacrifice since today is his 21st birthday . . . and he 'd rather make sure he gets on the 6 : 30 AM flight than to get drunk . . . not a bad choice . We are all packed . . . between gear and clothes for 11 days , hubby and I filled both big suitcases . I 'm a bit worried about how all of this is going to fit in the minivan we have rented . . . but , that is a geometry problem for tomorrow , and frankly not really my problem - - - that is one advantage to traveling with all boys . Rex will be over when he 's packed and ready to go - - D2 will meet us at the airport at 4 : 45 AM ( I trust his mom to get him there . . . ) and McWiggins / Swear Jar ( new name , as he said " I 'm like the swear jar come to life " ) . I think I have all the details finished at school that I can do . . . now I can only hope that it all doesn 't fall apart without me . . . I think this will be the longest period I 've been out of the building since I started teaching there . . . even over break and summer I end up in the building in some way . . . it will be almost 2 weeks that the place will have to survive without me . When we get back , we 'll have a debate on a controversial issue on campus . This has the full support of the big guy and his boss - - who seem to be pretty excited about the concept . Not a bad thing to have happen two weeks before my tenure package is due - - huh ? Just wait until I actually HAVE tenure . . . Snow is forcast for Thrusday morning . . . I have a summary due and a bunch of lecture to do , as well as exam review for my Intro class . . . and then I 'll be gone for three class meetings , one of which includes the exam . Out of 40 students , how many will come in for that uber - important class ? ? The thing is , if they don 't come in they won 't be able to answer at least two questions on the exam - - they are short - answer and the material is only in the lecture / PowerPoint as they don 't have access to a readable version of the Critique of Pure Reason - - ' cuz there ISN ' T one ( at least that I 've seen ) . hmmmm , more suspense for us here at BNCC . . . So , The week before break I have a paper due . I get two versions from a student . . . one on - time and one two days late . Neither of them are complete , as she ends the paper mid - sentence . I don 't grade them , but I also put them in the wrong pile - - When her class gets them back , she doesn 't get her 's . She freaks out and tells me she 'll print another one . Later she sends an e - mail teling me it is in my mailbox ( it isn 't . . hmmm ) and here is the attachment as well . I find the two other versions after an e - mail exchange . I tell her she needs to tell me which one to grade . I have not had a response as of yet . I know she didn 't turn it in with the class because I wrote " on - time " on it , when I wouldn 't have if it were with the others - - but it must have been very close or I 'd have taken a penalty off . . . What I won 't do is to grade the most recent version like it was on - time . Revisions are late papers - - the revision has to be worth the late penalty . I get the feeling she 's done this before . . I think what she did was to turn in the paper as she had it at the time it was due . Later , when I ask her for the rest of it - - as it ends mid - sentence - - she 'll give me the revised version which is complete . It looks like a sneaky way to get an extension to me - - - and I won 't fall for it . She also turned in a summary paper early - - I think she said she thought that was what was due - - but that she 'd go print the other paper " right away " - - i . e give it a few more minutes of work , then print and turn in . If I didn 't have this long debate trip coming up , I 'd take the time to compare her e - mailed version with the other two to see if she 's trying to make improvements she think I won 't see . Maybe I 'm biased against pretty , thin young girls - - but I get the feeling that she thinks that just because I 'm a plus - sized person I 'm not all that bright . It isn 't anything definite , just the way she looks at me and the way she strolls into class late . . . it makes me read disrespect from her , which pisses me off . I should stop , as her issues more than likely hPosted by It is Wednesday morning , Friday morning at 6 : 30 AM our butts need to be on a flight to Portland . We 'll be gone for 11 days - - and as such , there are a few things I need to get done before we go . . . in no real orderhome / non school stuff . . . Go to cleaners w / 2 pairs of pantsreturn movie ( Walk the Line , a cousin was an assistant casting person . . or something ) Clean - up a little here , as we 'll have guests tomorrow nightPackSchool stuff . . teach , debate practicediscuss demo debate with debaters - - do we want to do the controversial subject for which BNCC has been in some news lately . . . big guy tells me he 's getting hate mail for his position supporting free speech in this area and kind of thinks there may be protesters and we 'd look like dolts in the demo debate . Finish first reading of applicationsGrade Intro summaries so they 'll be ready when I come back ( tomorrow ) Do logic practice quiz and post on door . Check - in with exam giver friends to make sure they got the exams and have no questions . . . Make sure postings on door have all the current projects for studentsmake pile to take with me when I leave tomorrow nightmeeting with Teaching Circle member ? ? ? Gather cases for NPJKDLADA ( can be organized later ) ? ? ? do entry for last national tournament in April ? ? ? check with registrar about that form ! It looks like a lot to do - - but the grading is short and the application book I have to read today isn 't huge . . . that being said , I should still get myself out of here pretty early , as there is a lot of stuff on that list for today . I 've never been on an 11 day debate trip - - one that encompases two national championships , one of which I help run . . . So , I definitely need a list . . . and a sherpa to carry my shit . . . . the sherpa won 't materialize - - but the list I can do myself if blind cat ever shuts the heck up . . . Clothes : personal stuff . . . 2 jeans , 2 pants , 3 sweaters 4 shirts , pjs , shorts , swimsuit , RAIN GEAR , Notre Dame sweatshirtGear from home : camera , laptop , cell phone charger , camera battery charger , thingy to transfer photos to laptop , ipod , charger and car transmitterGear from school to run tournament : plate holders ( for trophies ) , stuff on school listGear from school to coach tournament : timers , clipboard , good pens , umbrellaWork stuff : logic book , grading left to do , files for tenure portfolio , my own reading for my dissertation - - - Shear entertainment : only ONE book ( we will have to go to Powell 's ) , DVDsInformation : KQRS folder , NPJKADLDA folderOf that stuff , the following needs to go in my carry - on bag : computer , camera , ipod , Information , book for fun , misc ID and stuff to fly . . . Make sure hubby brings : KQRS pens ( they are actually HERE , in time , WOW - - - we may get the hang of this yet . . Camera and tripod . Hubby and I may pack our clothes and regular debate stuff in one suitcase and use the other for miscelaneous shit that won 't fit in our carryon bags and / or we don 't want to drag ourselves all the way to Portland . Postitive thought for the trip . . . Today is Wednesday , 48 hours from now we will ALL ( D1 / D2 / Rex , hubby and me ) be waiting to board our 6 : 30 AM flight to Portland . It will be on time and we will get there no hassles . We will have a comfortable flight and a fun time in Portland before we go to Eugene . The rental car will be there , and all of our luggage will arrive with us . We will go to someplace in Portland to buy an inexpensive printer , which we will use during the tournaments and then bring / send home to use on the road in future years . If this happens , I 'll be a happy girl - - and a much less stressed one at that . I started reading applications today . It is kind of sad , as there are so many people who went to the trouble to apply only to get a rejection letter . A couple of our long - term adjuncts didn 't apply . It is hard to blame them , it has to be hard to have been passed over several times . One of them is teaching a full load already and three of us have been hired in front of her . It also makes me a bit leary of ever going back on the job market . I love BNCC - - and I have great administration all the way up - - - so I 'm not too worried about having to look again - - but if hubby gets hired by his undergrad school in a couple of years , I 'm not willing to stay here an be away from him . That means that I 'll go on the local job market there , which sucks ass . Who knows - - maybe hubby will get a job right here in BN city and all will be well , and I 'll get to stay in my office with a view of the smoking section forever and ever . . . Four and a half years ago my little sister died suddenly . She left behind a sweet and wonderful husband . He 's worked hard to re - build his life , but hasn 't ( to my knowledge ) found another woman . Since well before they were married , Pam 's hubby worked for a company doing technical work . They promoted him several times , gave him training and generally pumped him up . This company had hired several of his friends etc . . . and put him into a job that sounds pretty difficult ( teaching computer support techs over video . . ) . This week they fired him . I don 't know why , but I do feel for him . Pam 's hubby hasn 't had formal education , outside of the certifications he completed with his company - - but , no BS or anything . I 'm sure he 'll get another job ( he has an interview tomorrow ) , but it sucks that he doesn 't have Pam to help him out . . . It seems that Wednesday this week was blog against sexism day . . . and I missed it . Maybe that is because I 'm 37 and don 't seem to think about sexism much in my current work - - or , because it was Spring Break this week and being so serious didn 't seem to be in the cards . . Of course I think sexism is wrong . Just like racism and classism - - duh . Perhaps my family has created a different set of expectations for me so that when I bump up against sexism I either ignore it or work around it . I occasionally see sexist attitudes from the old guys at BNCC , but since I know that I 'm actually smarter and younger than they are - - I usually ignore them and get my way . In my family the women have pretty much been the center of power and culture for a while . The family does what the women want done , we set the agenda and decide when to have reunions etc - - the men more or less go along for the ride . My great grandmother was a farm girl and farm wife . She had 2 girls and three boys , one of whom was my grandfather . She taught them the value of education - - and my grandfather met my grandmother in college . She was a couple of years ahead of him and he decided that he had to have a college education to keep up with her . My mother is their eldest daughter . She was divorced when I was about 10 - - and taught me and my sister that you don 't die from being tired , and that education will help you in the long run . I ended up being someone who ignores sexist BS - I feel pretty lucky to be in my generation in this family . We aren 't radical feminists - - although my grandmother 's sister was a big ERA supporter - - but we do think that women can do whatever men can do . . yea us ! The first time I saw regular and systematic sexism was in my grad department - - Generally , very few grad students and NO grad profs who were women . . . or , to be more precise , there was one woman on the grad faculty during my time but she was working mostly in adminitration and only taught one course the whole time I was doing coursework . On the undergrad faculty there was only Posted by I 'm done with grading jail - - after the Russian wrote a 20 page paper for an 8 page assignment . . . it is fun to have debaters in my class . The paper actually is pretty good , excellent for an undergraduate class . I 'm watching Seinfeld Season 6 on DVD , I just had chips and salsa for lunch and I have a new book . . . and mom is on the way down for the weekend . The place is pretty clean and the laundry down to a small mountain . . . This time next week we 'll be in the middle day 1 of NPKQRST naitonals in Oregon and this time two weeks from now we 'll be in day 1 of NPKQRSDA naitonals . wow - - the year has gone very quickly . No drinking and debauching for me - - but , it was a good break afterall . So that I don 't later think I completely wasted my break , here is the list of activities . . 1 . Ran a successful tournament - - in that everyone got their debating done and nobody died . . 2 . Got caught up on sleep ( very important with nationals on the way . . ) 3 . Cleaned my office - - which was terrible after hosting the tournament . 4 . Did the quivalent of four expense reports - - two of which were early , thus placating the accounting trolls upstairs . 5 . Graded and recorded all but 12 papers for Intro to Phil . 6 . Wrote exams for Intro and Logic for the first week we will be gone to nationals . 7 . Got a bunch of laundry done , as well as some housecleaning and cooking . 8 . Finished watching Seinfeld season 5 . 9 . Bought new red birkenstocks , plus some personal stuff the debater boys don 't want the details about . . . 10 . Read most of a book by Jodi Piccoult ( " Picture Perfect " ) . 11 . Had a good meeting with the wonder - dean about my tenure portfolio . . . turns out I don 't need to freak as much as I thought . 12 . Some fun with hubby - - - ' nuff said : ) . 13 . Whatever Mom and I end up doing this weekend . . . . should be fun . We have three cats - - one more than our leas allows , but they are a happy little community and I 'd never consider getting rid of one because their very living became inconvenient . They do fave their own quirks anc challenges . . . Mrs . Old kitty has a hard time getting enough sleep or affection . The affection bit is because she 's naughty and likes to pee in our bedroom , so she 's now banned from there . She used to sleep about 96 hours a day on our bed . Now she sleeps on what has become her chair in the living room . We change the cover when company comes , just before - - as she 's a high vollume shedder and frequent puker . She is at least 17 years old , small and white . This puts her out of regular affection range for us , but she does come to get a snuggle once in a while - - I think she probably prefers it that way . The sleep bit is is simply because she 's really old - - my hubby and I have developed a new test to see if you think your cat is old - - if you regularly ask your spouse if you 've seen the cat breathe lately , or touch her to see if she 's still alive - - you have an old cat . Mr . Blind kitty is blind because of cataracts - - he gets around fine - - is REALLY good at finding the food dish etc . . but , he 's blind . He is also really anxious for a cat , he 's always been that way and now if he gets turned around in the apartment he shows how good he is at working his vocal cords . The racket is amazing . To reduce his stress , he likes to eat paper . D1 and the gang were over on Monday night for dinner and ballot reading . D1 left some flows of debates from our tournament on the floor - - Mr . Blind kitty has been munching on them - - I had to stop Mr . Blind kitty , or things get ugly later for him . . . . . Mr . Multi - toes is as normal as a cat with 6 extra toes can be - - he 's about 11 and is fully functional . Sometimes he and Mr . Blind get into a tussle , but it is more of a formality to let Mr . Blind kitty re - live the old days when he was master of the house . . . Also , Mr . Multi - toes loves to play with his water dish , and since we 've recentPosted by So - - Chloe won . I 've really liked watching her develop on the show . She comes from a Southeast Asian family - - either Hmong or Vienamese . It is cool because she looks so much like my students at BNCC . Right now they are a little scared , kind of shy and often smart and talented . Maybe later they 'll be at the top of their profession later on . Today I spent most of the day in grading jail . I got all but 12 of my Intro to Philosophy papers graded today . I also have all of that stuff recorded and ready to return AND I have my exams written and copied for when we are at NPKQRST naitonals . Tomorrow - - morning in bed , afternoon doing laundry and finishing up grading so I can be out of grading jail . Today is my day in grading jail . I have about 50 Intro to Phil papers on some aspect of the arguments on the existence of God . I hope they aren 't all awful . I 'm going to my office for grading jail - - - just after I send NPJLKMODA their checks for our entry fee . In my office I can 't get wireless , and since I vowed not to blog from work - - EVER - - I should be ok there , away from distractions . I 'll stop and get some good food on the way and be there when the NPKQRS / NPKJLMORASDKL teams get there at 5 : 00 for a practice round . If I can keep my ass in gear and focused today I can start actual break tomorrow . . . Friday is lunch with the Red Head , and then a mom ( either mine or hubby 's ) will be around for the weekend - - that should actually be fun ( no sarcasm - - love them both . . ) . Next week is crazyness - - lots of meetings AND reading applications for the job search . . Overheard at expensive grocery store yesterday - - - " Mommy , what is that ? " " That is a pineapple " . " Where do they grow ? " " On palm trees . " Wow - - sure , we are northern , but mom must have been to school . . . at least she didn 't say they grew on pine trees . In case you are wondering , pineapples don 't grow on trees at all . They grow in fields , many on the Dole plantation in Oauhu - - The Dole plantation was between my grandparent 's house and the airport - - until they moved to Arkansas . boo . Even as tired as I was yesterday ( tournament hangover is a bitch ) , I still felt smart . Every time I passed her in the store I wanted to stop her and correct her . I read a friend 's blog . She mentions that her mom is selling her house and moving into a condo that doesn 't allow cats . She has two cats . Mom decided that it would be better to put down two healthy cats rather than try to find them homes together or separate . My friend is an adult and sounds like she 'll be on vacation when the cats are killed . So - - - let me get this logic . . . the CATS will be happier DEAD than liviing with others , and possibly separate . Yea . . this is for the good of the cats . right . This is all about mom 's convenience - - killing them is easier . My friend seems to be ok with this , or - - so her blog post indicates . She may be more upset than she writes , but I 'm not so sure about that . Frankly , not being upset about this and not even seeming to THINK about either finding another place to live , other than a " pretty " condo - - or , not even seeming to consider taking them to a shelter makes me ill . I can 't really consider someone who would do such a thing so easily a friend . The post indicates that the cats have been with them since birth - - they have f - ing responsibilities to them . I 'm not all that convinced that animals have rights , but if you take responsibility for an animal , you should fulfil that or at least take the time and effort to find someone else to take care of them for you . If this is really her position , that it isn 't a problem and that she doesn 't seem to think she has a duty to the cats to at least give them a sliver of hope at the shelter . . . then she can 't be my friend . Enough of this - - - my polydactl cat needs some loving . . . I read a friend 's blog . She mentions that her mom is selling her house and moving into a condo that doesn 't allow cats . She has two cats . Mom decided that it would be better to put down two healthy cats rather than try to find them homes together or separate . My friend is an adult and sounds like she 'll be on vacation when the cats are killed . So - - - let me get this logic . . . the CATS will be happier DEAD than liviing with others , and possibly separate . Yea . . this is for the good of the cats . right . This is all about mom 's convenience - - killing them is easier . My friend seems to be ok with this , or - - so her blog post indicates . She may be more upset than she writes , but I 'm not so sure about that . Frankly , not being upset about this and not even seeming to THINK about either finding another place to live , other than a " pretty " condo - - or , not even seeming to consider taking them to a shelter makes me ill . I can 't really consider someone who would do such a thing so easily a friend . The post indicates that the cats have been with them since birth - - they have f - ing responsibilities to them . I 'm not all that convinced that animals have rights , but if you take responsibility for an animal , you should fulfil that or at least take the time and effort to find someone else to take care of them for you . If this is really her position , that it isn 't a problem and that she doesn 't seem to think she has a duty to the cats to at least give them a sliver of hope at the shelter . . . then she can 't be my friend . Enough of this - - - my polydactl cat needs some loving . . . Update - - friend 's blog says that perhaps her aunt will ake them - - I hope it is true and not just something said to save face . . . I feel really organized lately - - now , if only I could finish the stuff I need to before NPapfeai nationals . I had a meeting with the wonder - dean today about my portfolio . She 's a really neat person and was very helpful about what she thinks she wants from me to get our version of tenure . I have a great outline , now I need to give examples of the innovations I 've done , collect newspaper articles about my team and generally organize the past three years into something coherehnt . . . . all by April 15 . I 'm also onto another level of committee work with big guy - - not exactly sure why , probably because he thinks I get stuff done . I 'm not so sure that is a correct impression , but if he 's up on me for something other than debate then that is good . Finally , we have a time frame for reading applications and interviews - - and it will work with my debate travel schedule . I was worried , as the 11 days I 'm gone are pretty much prime time vitae reading times . Now , if the debater boys will do their work I can get that organized . . . Tonight and tomorrow - - GRADING JAIL - - really . . . I want it done by Thursday . I have other stuff to do and can 't get behind . . really - - and I NEED a break . The good thing about grading jail is that the food is good . . . I 'm baking a chocolate cake and will have some X ( localish ) brand coffee ice cream with it . . yummmmmmmm I make really good chili . . . D1 / D2 / Rex and McWhiggins are coming over for dinner tonight . . . we 'll read ballots and watch the only debate movie ever . . . " Listen to Me " . I love Prilosec ( it lets me EAT chili ) It is nice to have the house mostly clean at the beginning of break . Naps rock . . My office at BNCC is CLEAN - - Technically , I spent all day in my pjs ( I have pj pants that look a lot like actual pants ) . I have good snacks for grading jail tomorrow . I don 't feel like I 'm going to fall asleep if I sit still ( like yesterday , whle JUDGING - - it is bad if the judge snores . . I didn 't , quite . . . yea , life is good This is the second round I 've judged this tournament - - I was busy running stuff . This round is a semi - finalNPQRS - LD - - - wowPlan = DC statehood - all the regular stuff … Opp 's arguments are when it gets good … The DA = " what do we do with all the 50 star flags " ? - - - ummm - so , I am supposed to vote on the disposal problem and against giving millions the right to vote to determine their own fate … . HmmmThe other argument from the opp = " they can vote in neighboring states " . . huh ? The poor people of DC ( and , DC is very poor ) - should MOVE so they can VOTE … no , it gets better . . the bozo uses the argument that they go to school in BN state and can still vote in home state . . h mmmmmmmm - - - - that is because you are in SCHOOL in BN state . YikesI want to go home and put my head under the covers … really ! Well - - the tournament weekend is over . . . now , I 'll do some weaning off of debate and work my way into an actual break period . . . The team did very well this weekend - - NPQRST results . . . Rex / McWiggins were 4 - 2 , made it to elims and dropped . . . I wish we had more time with these two , I think they would be pretty successful . Their record as a pair is great and if this tournament counted for KQRS points , it would likely put them in the top 100 in the country . D1 / D2 did a bit better , loosing in semi - finals to the current state champs . With a more nationals - like panel they probably would have won . NFLAQRD - LD results . . we did two of these tournaments . . . D1 lost twice in finals - - to different members of a friend school from the south . Made - up but still pretty interesting NPQRST - LD event . . . McWiggins lost to D2 in semi - finals and D2 won finals . This is actually our first tournament win this year - - and actually Century 's first ever tournament win period . Problem is that it is a kind of made - up event . . . but , it is a legit event anyway . I like that D2 won it - - and I would have been happy with McWiggins doing so as well . It is good for D2 to see he can debate and win without D1 . . . . sure , D1 is good - - maybe even great - - but a great team needs two debaters working together , and if D2 is just a puppet for D1 , they won 't do nearly as well . We have next weekend off , the following weekend is NPQRS - - - and our long trip to Oregon begins . Been REALLY busy hosting a tournament here at BNCC . . . It has been fun , stressful and exhausting - but , good too . We had schools come from across the midwest / Southish area to debate in three different formats . . The result is the following schedule for me . . . Friday10 : 30 - - get to school after doing a bunch of prep - - do more - - 2 : 00 everyone comes to register , 2 : 30 - - 7 : 00 debate rounds . Saturday7 : 00 AM BE AT SCHOOL ( aargh . . . ) leave at 9 : 50 PM . . . debate all day , long day . . . Sunday7 : 15 AM , BE AT SCHOOL - - double aargh - - leave ? ? ? ? don 't know - - hopefully by 7 PMtomorrow - - sleep , clean , laundry dinner for the debaters for nationals . . . I swear , I 'll put myself in grading jail on Monday and Tuesday until I get them done . If I have to lock myself in my office with PowerBars and a water bottle ( double use . . . yea ! - - or , really , yuck ) and not come out until I have my Intro to Philosophy papers done . I 'm looking forward to next fall . I won 't be teaching Intro , I 'll have two logic sections , debate and ethics to teach . If things go my way I 'll be able to facilitate a teaching circle next semester too - - and I 'll give up my regular ethics section and keep the honors section . I could realistically have a Maximum of 96 philosophy students - - down from my first semester when I actually started the semester with 250 . I may even learn their names . I 'm quite excited about the fact that we have Spring Break next week and as such , I 'll have a chance to have lunch with my best - girlfriend from HS , Red Head . Red Head has been my pal since 5th grade music . We did some kind of performance together , it sucked , and we became buddies . It is the kind of friendship formed between two smart , nerdy , non - rich girls in a sea of perfect , non - nerdy rich kids . The only thing I miss about high school is getting to see her every day . We also worked together during high school and afterwards when I was in my first undergrad school , here in BN state . She 's smart , funny and has a strong sense of right and wrong - - sometimes she isn 't right about that ( her views on homosexuality make Santorum look liberal ) but , she 's generally in tune with what is good and right . I think it is funny that I 've known Red Head longer than ANY of my debaters have been alive . She knew me when I was a geek with bad hair ( not so sure THAT has changed ) and I knew her when she had terrible teeth she couldn 't get fixed due to her parent 's modest income and 7 kids . . . she got braces as an adult . Red Head and I have gone very different direction . She didn 't go to college - - - she has that natural managerial and leadership ability that they can 't teach in MBA classes . She married later than I , but has a child with him . She 's never lived more than 20 miles from where she grew up . . . . while I have 2 . 5 degrees , no kids and have lived many places away from BN state . Even after being apart for 12 years , she was the first person I called when Pam died . When I was in another state , she called me when her youngest sister Emily died . She understood what it felt like to loose a little sister - - and as I became aware of how much that can and does hurt , she was the one I wanted to talk to . I remember the pain in her voice , and when my voice sounded like that - she was the only one I wanted to hear it . She 's the person I 'd take shopping for an important dress ( like philosophers need them . . but still , I can dream ) and she 's the onPosted by So - - this weekend about 16 teams will come to play in our playpen . It should be fun to have them . . . their coaches are good pals and the students aren 't demanding or mean . Also , having a pretty small group makes things easier . . . 9 rooms for parli , 5 for LD - - not bad and can be done pretty much on one floor of BNCC . We seem to have just enough judges and the tournament will pretty much break even , which is all we can ask - - as it allows our students to compete for free . Snooty in - state school is bringing a bunch of teams and no judges . It will cost them more to pay fees at our tournament than I paid for our house in Oregon between KQRS and NPQRDA . Three programs that said they 'd come aren 't - - one 's coach has a family issue , two others just flat out lied to me about going . . . they have the money to go elsewhere this weekend . . . One didn 't owe us much - - but the other made several loud committments to sending teams up , as we took the long - ass drive from BN state to their craptastic city TWICE ( once in the winter ) . They talked big about supporting their firends - - yada , yada , yada - - but , in the end - - no show . nice . I guess that makes our travel decisions easier this fall - - and keeps me from having 5 weekends in a row . . . not bad . On the other hand , a program run by a new friend just got our support for their tournament next year . Hell , I 'd advocate we hire at least one of their coaches to a faculty position in a couple of years . . . if we could convince him to move to BN state . There are others who are currently in power in the area - - - and who benefit from lots of regional support - - I suppose if we get the same budget allocation next year that we got this year , we might find someplace else to be their weekend also . . . that would be sad , but we can only go to theirs so often without reciprocation . aaahh debate politics . . . BN state is served by a monopolistic airline . That airline gives us lots of lovely direct flights to places we like to debate . Those flights are a bit more expensive than other options , but they go at nice times and it doesn 't take long to get from BN state to other places - - and direct travel is also nice . . Monopoly Airlines is threatening to go on strike . . . 93 % of the pilots on that airline have threatened to strike . This airline is currently being struck by the mechanics , but they have been replaced . Last week I booked all the tickets for our travel to Oregon - - on another airline . We have exactly 0 tickets on them in the next month . . . If they strike , I look brilliant - - - and getting on a flight at 6 : 30 AM is a great option if you don 't have any others . . . If they don 't , then we are all getting up in the middle of the night for no reason . . . BUT . . . the fact of the matter is also that if I had waitied to buy the tickets , the prices would have spiked with the news and we might not have been able to get on anyway . . . So - - maybe better safe than sorry we didn 't leave at a better time . As I was writing the previous post , another goodie came in . . In essence it said : I need to turn something in to you ASAP , but I wasn 't paying attention when you told us what it was . Please respond ASAP . I Read that as : I didn 't think you were serious when you assigned those summaries . I also didn 't think you were serious when you said in class what the assignments were or that there is a hard deadline of TODAY to get them in . I figured out that you were serious when you gave the grade update in class last time , but I didn 't bother to read the blackboard in the classroom and write down the article that needs to be summarized . I also didn 't do the reading before class , so now I 'm figuring out that I have to do this or risk getting a grade that will keep me out of the Law Enforcement program , the school I want to drink at next year , or at a minimum out of trouble with mom and dad so I can keep drinking with my high school friends . Please respond immediately or risk my whine about how you weren 't available to answer my questions and I 'll complain to the dean . This morning I got an e - mail that came down to . . . " Dear Philosophy Facotry Worker " I need help in logic . I know I couldn 't make it to class yesterday and I have a class before ours , but isn 't there a time you could help me ? We have a quiz tomorrow and I don 't understand . This reads to me like : " Dear over - worked prof " I couldn 't be bothered to come to class yesterday , or to do the homework before last night so I didn 't know I don 't understand it . Could you please go out of your way and come in uber - early to help me because I couldn 't be bothered to help myself . Additionally , I don 't have time to talk to you right before class , because I have another class - and I couldn 't have talked to you yesterday after class because I 'm " too busy " - - so , get your ass out of bed extra early tomorrow and come in to explain to me what you taught the whole class yesterday . And , I know that professors don 't have anything to do with their lives other than wait for a student to come ask for extra help , so I know you 'll be available to give me 5 minutes of brilliance before my 9 : 30 class that will explain the whole subject . Signed , An irresponsible studentSo . . . my response ? " Dear Irresponsible " ( not exactly . . but I do wish I could . . ) In essence . . . If you could decode it you 'd read . . . I 'm not coming in for you , nor am I going out of my way for you . Additionally , I can 't even pack all the meetings I have into my usual schedule and tomorrow there is one in my office hours . . . so , here is my phone number . Call me before you come over to see if I 'm in my office today in the early afternoon or before my 6 : 00 class . My dream response . . . Dear Dumb - AssCome to class and you 'll understand the material . Also , had you come to class you 'd have a grade report in your hands that tells you exactly how you aren 't performing in this course . Maybe that would have inspired you to ask for help in a timely manner . As it is , I don 't think I 'll go out of my way to help you . . . should you wander by my office I 'll resist the urge to shoot you with the water gun I have for Posted by For some reason I 've been thinking about the first class I ever taught - - and my first class meeting for that class . I finished my MA in the end of 1999 and was working on the classes I needed to be ABD when , in June 2000 I was " laid off " from my non - academic job . They wanted to move my job to Marinette , WI - - and it wasn ' worth my going there to do THAT . . . As part of my job search , I put out feelers to my undergraduate college ( we were still in town because hubby was in the military . . . ) . The chair of the department came back saying that he had one section of Ethics for me , and I was welcome to it . He also needed to know what my books would be ASAP , as the bookstore had wanted the book order 2 months ago . . All of a sudden , I 'm a teacher - - yikes ! Sure , I 'd thought about it , as I 'd gone to a job fair for teachers at the local CC - - and was encouraged to apply for the full - time job there ( for which I was a finalist . . . in retrospect , wow ) . A couple of days later the snobby private school AND the CC had a section each for me to teach . The sad part about this was the pathetic salary I 'd accumulate from teaching three courses at three different schools , but the cool part was that I 'd actually be doing a job that required my MA - - - instead of jobs for which my MA was a reason NOT to interview me . Hubby was still in the military then , so we could afford a bit of a pay cut . That summer I also took a job as a customer service person at a credit union - - which was a nice job , but one I quit by December . . . Anyway , all the schools pretty much said , " tell me what your books are " and " if you want , you can come in and look at previous syllabi we may or may not have on file " as the ONLY guidance about what should have been in the course . In other words , the message was clear , ' you are on your own honey , good luck - - don 't bother us Mrs . Adjunct ' . Since I 'm probably more headstrong than blessed with common sense , I went for it . My first day was at undergraduate school . . . I thought I had it nailed . I knew where the building was ( lots Posted by

I finally got back to my office after nearly two weeks away . My office has nice , pretty new furniture . It has a lava lamp , some other mood lighting and a comfortable chair . I have plenty of philosophy books and a plant . I also have huge windows that look into the back of the CC ( well , it was supposed to be the front , but the architects were dumb ) . . . out the back of my CC I see a nice nature scene , up close the pin oak is the place where the smokers congregate . Most of last summer a couple took an afternoon break for some snuggling in the grass . I missed my office on our debate tour . I also missed my faculty friends . It was very nice to see them today , and tomorrow I 'm planning to go in to do some grading and general organizing suff - - and I look forward to seeing them . Of course , I also have 2 Intro to Philosophy exams to grade ( short answer and essay . . ) , 1 logic exam to grade ( truth tables , ish . . ) and a set of argument analysis projects to grade . On top of this , the Irish Times National Debate Champs will arrive here for their visit on Sunday . We have a debate event on Monday afternoon and evening . They leave on Tuesday morning and I have to spend Tuesday afternoon reviewing job applications . yea - - I have plenty to do in my little office . . . but , it is good to be home . A while back ( were I good with tags , I 'd give one . . . maybe a summer project learning how to do that . . . ) I wrote about an acquantance who was planning to move and put down their old cats because they can 't live in their new place . . . After several comments on her blog asking her not to do it , she said they 'd try to find someplace ( yea . . . right . ) . Well , a recent check of her blog said that her mom had them put down - - the claim was the pound wouldn 't take them because they are too old to be adopted out . She lives in a pretty major metro area , I 'm surprised there wasn 't a no - kill shelter to take them . . . hell , Duluth has one ( mom got dog # 1 there ) . I 'm sad - - I can 't see how living in a nicer condo can be worth killing two healthy cats . She claims that it is actually more kind to put them down than to have them potentially separated and in cages . I disagree - - death or separation . . . hmmm . . . . . As someone who lives with three cats ( one illegal according to the lease ) - - I know that it is a bit harder to find someplace to rent that accepts cats . I also know that two cats is pretty much the standard number allowed , and that if you actually WANT to find someplace that will accept your cats , it can be done . I 've rejected very " sweet " places in Denver , Omaha and St . Paul that wouldn 't let me have the old cat who is on me as I write . Sure , it took a bit more effort on my part - - I may have even had to change spring break plans , drive across town or commute extra time - - but I worked it out on a limited budget , at least twice while both doing graduate work in philosophy and teaching . Sometimes people suck . . . On the way home from Portland yesterday I had a sudden bout of missing Pam . . . Almost five years ago - - it will be five years Memorial Day weekend - - was the last time I saw my little sister . She died in November of 2001 - - she lived in Minneapolis when she died , I lived in Omaha . The Friday of Memorial Day weekend 2001 Pam was going out to Seattle to see her friend . Pam was flying on my step - dad 's family passes on United . She got on the flight from Minneapolis to Denver with plans to connect to Seattle , but all of the Seattle flights were full . Jason and I were sitting at home that late afternoon when the phone rang . . . it was Pam - - who said , " what are you doing this weekend " - - when I replied that we were going to just be hanging out - - she asked if I 'd pick her up at the airport . . . there was a flight leaving for Omaha and she 'd be there in a little over an hour . I told her to come outside , we 'd be there - - - things like that were typical of her - - impulsive , fun and always warm - spirited . When she got there , she explained that she was walking down the hallway in the airport when she saw a sign that said " Omaha " and knew she should come see me . We had a really fun time doing pretty much nothing . We did go to the Farmer 's Market , where we bought Mark a ceramic green pepper ( he hates them ) and she bought me a small pewter cat on a silk cord . . . she hung it in my car that day and I moved it to my new car a couple of years ago . When I get a tatoo ( when a team of mine wins a tournament . . . ) I 'll get that tatooed over my heart . Pam snored terribly - - and it was worse when her allergies were bad - - like , always . . . I 'll never forget my poly - dactyl cat peeking under the guest room door and sniffing along the wall of the guest room trying to figure out what was making that racket . It was really funny - - and when we told her what he 'd been up to she thought it was hillarious . In retrospect , it seems like fate that she came out to see me . . . kind of like she knew it would be the last time we 'd have to spend together - - - like she wPosted by I 've been a bit busy with nationals . . . here are the results for my little team : ) . One elimination round appearance , dropped right away on a 2 - 1 , a really good novice speaker award and a really good ( but not the top ) community college tournament sweepstakes award . I also got to judge the final round . . and wasn 't one of the 2 on the bottom of the 2 - 9 decision . We were also in the top 10 for season sweepstakes , but they only give trophies for the top 5 . Overall , not a bad year for us . I have one person ( swear jar ) coming back next year . He seems to be pretty energized by all of this . He 's also uber - dependable and will make a really good team leader next year . He 's sure he wants to go to debate camp to do policy this summer . . . . . but I kind of think he 's saying that to bug me . I 'm especially sad that D2 more than likely won 't be debating next year . He 's really worked hard and developed a lot - - to the point where he 's beating D1 on speaker points . Overall , this has been a good year . I 'm very pleased with our progress - - I wish that the team had put more time and effort into preparation for these tournaments and into their homework . . . but , that is something I could say every year . It is a significant improvement from last year - - and for that I am more than proud . Now . . . if only we can pull off this Irish debate - - Herbie hasn 't responded about the posters for it . . . and the press - release woman at BNCC doesn 't seem to think it is a good idea , so hasn 't put one out yet either . . . aarghhhhhhhhhh - - well , if she doesn 't , big guy and his boss will be pretty irritated with her . I hold the event and supply the debaters , all she has to do is to let people know it is coming . When I first started coaching at BNCC , I was regularly asked why we didn 't go to the CC national tournament . . . . I was told " it is fun " blah , blah , blah . . . The general idea behind that tournament is that the two - year schools in debate have a unique set of challenges . . . mostly because we almost never have debaters in their third or fourth years . We also have multiple partner changes and other things that our debaters need to be doing like working to pay the rent etc . . . These things make it difficult to compete with teams from four - year schools who have fewer distractions and more time to develop debaters . The result is CC nationals ( it has a greek honorary name I 'll call PPP ) . The problem is that PPP is also , structurally , unlike most national tournaments . There isn 't one winner , instead you take home either a bronze , silver or gold medal . . . and while that sounds all cool and Olympics - like , it isn 't , as there may be up to 20 teams who get " gold " . . . all you have to do is to win two elimination rounds . Debate - wise , we 'd " pone " them - - easy . . . . at least this year . One problem is that we don 't play in their circuit on a regular basis - - so we don 't know their judges etc . We don 't know the regular arguments they run , we don 't know the norms and the kids don 't have ANY friends from two year schools . . . A bigger problem is that it does kind of put us into , what someone else has called " the Special Olympics of Debate " . Now . . I 'm not sure I 'd go as far as to say that . . . . but I can see where the impression comes from . The basic message is that " you kids are at a CC , you can 't compete with the BIG KIDS , here - - have your own " special " tournament " . . . no - - that is BULL . Because we are in Debate Sibera our only local competition is ALL four - year schools . We debate them on a regular basis , we learn from them and often we teach them a thing or two . That is the way it should be . Our program goal is to get students debate scholarships . If they are debating other four - year schools all the time , they 'll learn how to do it while they are wPosted by Both teams are 3 - 2 , there are 3 more prelim rounds tomorrow - - of which they must win two to avoid being eliminated . We are also beating our ( secret ) rivals by at least 1 win - - and we are ahead of the other in - state programs by a few . It was a good day - - - capped off by a speed eat at a closing Chinese buffet restaurant . D1 isn 't going to die of ebola . Rex and Swear - Jar won on a " consult elephants " counterplan . . . where they wanted to actually ASK the elephants if they wanted to be released from zoos . . . It is nice to have Swear Jar back , we missed him a lot - - he has a way of saying sutff that should be horribly offensive , but isn 't - - really - - because we know he doesn 't mean it , even if he is a Republican : ) . All is good in the land of BNCC - - and I only miss my bed and my cats a little . . . ( lot , but sure . . . ) . time for bed - - - I rarely post about really personal stuff anymore . . . but this was just too funny not to share . . Last night hubby and I ( back in a king sized bed YEA ! ! ! ! ) were snuggling and laughing , like usual , He said something that made me want to kick him ( in play , only ) . We were spooned with me in front . Somehow I managed to kick him in the butt with my heel . He was surprised , saying " tell me how you are kicking my ass " - - which I found very funny . Good way to start NPjkldaDA . Today is the start of the BIG national debate tournament . . . NPjfdkaDA . Hubby and I figured out that we are in the running for the two - year school sweepstakes award , our self - imposed rivals ( I doubt they think we are rivals ) have four teams here - - we have two - - so our two have to beat their four in numbers of wins . We have a total of 16 rounds to do it in ( 8 per team . . ) , but if our teams perform at their peak - - it is possible . We have an astonishingly good shot at # 2 , which was really my goal for the year . This is always hard to predict , as most of the two year schools are way outside of our normal circuit ( i . e . my team ALWAYS competes against students from four - year schools ) . Wish us luck - - we are the little team that kicks ass . . . At my CC the chairs are kind of like administrivia assistants to the deans . Their only real task is to organize stuff and transmit information . Our current chair has a bad habit of doing it poorly as often as she has done it well . A case in point . . . A while back , while at a debate tournament , I get a flurry of e - mails about appointments with the architects for our building . They are planning a remodel and need our input . We are instructed to make appointments to see them , by department , ASAP . We are not told why or how to prepare for this meeting . When we get there , they ask us some basic shit like " where is your office " and " where do you teach " and ' can you get from your office to your classroom " and " how many students do you have in your classes " . ALL of this info is on BNCC 's website - - ALL of it . They didn 't need us for that - - I did get to suggest a debate squad room , but that is the sum total of the new information they got from my department . We spent 20 minutes as a group - - when it is nearly impossible to schedule us at the same time - - and that time was wasted . Come to find out , department chair had the info on the meetings . . nature , purpose etc - - and neglected to share . Now today , I get the following e - mail . . . " Don 't forget to turn in your Spring 2007 schedule by today " . . HUH ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I 've been out of town for less than a week . I 've been planning this trip for a couple of months . It is not news to her , my senior person in the discipline nor my dean - - - SO - - why did none of them mention the schedule discussions that would go on while I was gone ? My guess is that chair had her head up her ass again . This is a huge concern to me , simply because I need a particular schedule to travel with debate . I have to be able to be off campus from Thursday afternoon until late Monday afternoon . Thus , I can teach in about 5 total time slots - - M / W 2 : 00 - 3 : 15 & 4 : 00 - 5 : 15 and T / Th starting at 7 : 45 , 9 : 30 and 11 : 00 . Debate is M / W nights . If this gets out of whack , then Spring 2007 debate travel requires me to cancel classesPosted by We are done at the beach house and are moved to Corvallis for the last national championship . It was hard to leave the great place we found - - but it was time to go . One more major tournament , and then one easier national tournament to go this year and we 'll be done until next year . I think I 'm ready - - I keep having daydreams about going places with hubby and not counting heads when we stop to pee . A kind of strange thing happened via the internets today . . . big guy found the threaded discussion area where we discuss debate stuff . . . Bene - Nets . . . or , something like that : ) . It wasn 't hard to figure out who hubby and I were there , and I 'm DAMM GLAD I haven 't done any complaining about my administration there - - only nice stuff . . . because there is only nice stuff to say about them in real life . Sure , I complained about the business office trolls once or twice ( ' cuz they deserved it . . ) but I also gave those complaints to administration so it isn 't much of a secret or anything . I shouldn 't be surprised that he found it , it isn 't hard - - I do find it a bit odd that he actually took the time to look at it during the conference he 's attending away from home ( or , maybe he hasn 't left yet ? ? ) . I had sent him an e - mail using the acronyms for our nationals , perhaps he googled them - - I think the discussion board comes up with a google . I know it is linked a bazillion ways , so it makes sense - - it is just kind of odd because I 've never had anybody in my administration care enough to find it pretty much on their own . He also told me that he couldn 't make it back for the " big on - campus debate about a controversial topic that I can 't identify further because it will really blow my cover " deal week after next , but that the president of the school rearranged his itenerary to be there . wow . no pressure or anything , what with my tenure track proposal due less than two weeks after the event . . . yikes . I can 't say a whole lot about this . . . but I do have a general observation - - - Sometimes people think they are being " funny " and helpful , but they are really showing that they are immature , self - rightous jerks . . Along the way they are showing themselves as rude and pretty much taking advantage of those who are trying to help them . I 'd say this is a factor of age , but really it is about maturity - - young doesn 't seem to factor into it . People like this make me realize that those who don 't help others and just look out for themselves may have a point . Going out of your way to help people only opens you up to being kicked in the face and disrespected . What good is that ? Maybe I 'll take a cue from a colleague and only come in to do my job and that which helps me . On the other hand , there are people that make it worthwhile - - - We are at a great beach house for four days . . . relaxation and some work . . . in wonderful surroundings . It is big enough for us to have our own spaces and very nicely decorated with wood floors , a gourmet kitchen , fireplace and wireless internet . I was afraid it would be a lot less nice than the internet photos - - and , if I were a tech savy blogger , I 'd post you a link . For those of you who don 't know me and don 't know about the debate world , I 'll give some background . 1 ) Most debaters in college are male as are most judges . This is true in both Parliamentary debate and in policy debate . The reasons for this I think are very complicated , at least in the debate world I know - - parli . The fact of the matter is that female college students have more demands and expectations placed on them . They tend to get fewer debate scholarships in policy debate and in parli debate we have fewer scholarships to give . . . so they have to divide their time to a much greater extent than many male debaters . The result is that there are generally more men winning tournaments than women . 2 ) Our style of Parliamentary debate is significantly younger than policy debate . This year will be the 13th or 14th ever national tournament for what I usually cal NPJFKDLADA nationals ( to keep the blogger - google searches from finding me ) - - it is a large open national tournament . This year was the 6th ever NPKQRS tournament - - It has been the case that there have been a higher percentage of competitive females in parli debate . 3 ) Some people object to NPKQRS because we use a system of judge selection called Mutual Preference Judging . In this sytem teams rank judges on a 3 , 5 or 9 point scale , indicating which judges they most or least prefer to have judge their round . When a judge is selected for a round , the judge should have an equal preference level for both sides . So , if you pretty much hate your judge , then you can be sure the other side does too - - so at least it is fair . 4 ) Those who object to the use of MPJ object because of studies in the policy community that say it is biased against women . They say that the system allows teams to avoid being judged by women and that women generally rank significantly lower than men in the preferencing system . There are probably a bunch of complicated reasons for this , including the fact that there are many fewer women on the policy circuit , and the use of MPJ in regular seasonPosted by D1 / D2 ended up with four ballots - - they needed 3 more to make elimination rounds . . . oh well . Things are going well - - my pal from LA kind of wants to hurt my pal from WW . . . . hubby seems pretty happy and I 'm tired already . . . and it isn 't even noon yet . We broke just enough teams to force an extra elim round tonight . I 'm really glad we drove over here , as walking home at 1 : 00AM after the last round and all is cleaned up would suck . We have a big van ( like a normal debate team ) so we 'll probably have a bunch of passengers . So far we 've had no controversy - - but that is still to come , once the tournament gets smaller , the stakes get higher and the pairing / judge situaiton gets more tricky . Until then , peace - - - So . . . D1 / D2 are now 2 - 8 . They had what they said was a good 5th round , but lost both ballots on kind of a concession ? ? I 'm not sure what they are doing this round - - suffice it to say that they plan to have some fun and do some good debate , and have some fun . Tomorrow , they 'll watch some good debate and help friends prep etc . . . and Monday we 'll go to the ocean . Spring 06 plans . . . April - - As dog dad says , why not turn in your area papers to see what they say about them ? They worst they can do is to say no , and you are functionally there anyway . So - - - I 'll give myself a few days to get caught up and then give the papers one more proof and send them to grad school . They are supposed to give good critiques of the papers - - and that will give me ideas as to paths to revisoins . Also - - e - mail current authority to ask for a copy of his work in my area . He told me in February he could send it in April . . . yea ! Summer 06 plans . . . May - - a couple of days of R & R - - - then three hours of writing per day to : Work on revisions from comments on Spring 06 . . . . Develop status quo chapter on justice after war . . . ( i . e . lit review . . ) . June - - Conference at the end of June , so I 'll have to work on my seminar and exercises - - 1 week , plus 4 days for conferenceWork on objections to status quo and solutions chapter . July - - Short vacation - - probably camping or NYC for a long weekend . . . Get ready for Fall 06Devise plan for next chapter , look at project to see what is missing . . . August - - Debate camp ( probably . . . we 'll see for sure ) . Short break before school starts again . . . . Wow , when put into this format , there isn 't a whole lot of time . I 'll see what I can get done . Coaching at a CC is bittersweet - - on one hand , you get to coach students who are smart and motivated by both personal experiences with injustice AND competitive drive . They don 't expect you to do all of their work for them and they generally appreciate what you do . They aren 't used to having people do things for them , nor are they used to winning just because they show up . They also are facing bigger challenges and time limitations than most debaters , so debate time is their recreation not something they do as a matter of course . On the other hand , they go away . I can honestly say that I 'm really going to miss D1 / D2 and Rex when they move on . They are nice and good to one another - - when they aren 't trying to break D2 : ) . They try hard and have great attitudes . They are fun to travel with and aren 't quick to complain about anything . I 'd love to see all three of them continue debating , although I 'm pretty certain only D1 will do so . Also , we don 't really have seniors - - since our students move on , we don 't have the closure that comes from having a debater for four years and who is finishing their debate career . Tournament wise - - - we started KQRS nationals with locked doors and a building manager who didn 't expect to see us until 9 : 00 - - - sounds like another host issue . . . of which we 've had a few . Rex is exraordinarliy helpful . I 'm happy he 's her . We got the third round off 15 minutes EARLY - - which makes me happy . All the judges showed up , we didn 't have a printer SNAFU and they are mostly picking up their ballots . YEA . Tomorrow will likely be another story , but the hotel is close and we can go bang on their doors if necessary . I just did a quick count - - and of the judges I know - - ( i . e . almost all of them ) at most there are 8 or 9 that have been doing this as long or longer than I . . . and of that number 3 are in doubt - - - damm . . . maybe it is time for me to stop doing debate . I hate to leave my girlfriend from MO and my pal from CO in the pool by themselves , but this isn 't my field . Competition wise . . . D1 / D2 took a hard loss the first round . They thought they were winning , and they lost 2 - 0 . Last round it got messy and they split 1 - 1 . This round they could and should win - - - we 'll see . We are on the good side of the resolution for us and the judge panel . . . Community wise - - - It is nice to see a long - time pal ( since he was competing . . ) here . He 's the one I would love to have take over for me at BNCC . I 'm sure we 'll be able to pay him more than he 'll get at his next gig - - and he 'd be the guy in charge . Together with the other debate coach already on the faculty , they wouldn 't DARE kill the team . . . . we 'd take the place down in support of my pal . We 've made it to Eugene and we have a bag full of books from Powell 's to boot . . . . . For those of you who don 't know , Powell 's is an amazing bookstore in Portland , OR . It is someplace that you could wander in for years and not get bored or sad - - If Powell 's was next door to IKEA , I 'd never have to go anyplace . D1 / D2 / Rex are having a ruckus nextdoor . . . I 'm not sure why , but they should be napping . I remember being their age and not needing more than a cat nap every 24 hours . I hope they 'll be ok for competition tomorrow . They are probably getting psyched in their own way for KDWB nationals - - and I shouldn 't worry about them . Oregon is really pretty . We saw newly shorn sheep and dafodils growing wild in the ditch . Also , plenty of pretty mountain / hill - like features . I 'm looking forward to the Oregon coast this week . My teaching circle is 7 / 8ths wonderful and one dork who is in his own little world . Keep in mind that I 'm able to read a calendar , thus - - when I scheduled my teaching circle meetings I purposly avoided having a meeting on Friday 3 - 17 ( today ) . I knew for sure that by 3 : 00 I 'd either be in Oregon or on the way here - - I get an email from faculty dork asking about the circle meeting today . . . and acting like it was RE - SCHEULED . . . NO . . . dork child , you can 't re - scheule something that was never scheduled in the first damm place . I 'm pretty irritated with this guy , as he refueses to follow directions and claims that it is because he is so busy . Perhaps it is because he isn 't able to intellectually handle the basic schedule I 've been on for several years . . i . e . being overcommitted - - Sadly , I have to make nice and not tell him he 's a big pain in my ass , although I 'd like to . He 's actually working on the same f - ing goals he had in the very first circle I was ever in almost three years ago . If I were still working on the same relatively simple thing three years later I 'd either kill myself or give up . I suppose there is something to be said for being persistant . . . So far so good . . . D1 is here for the night , big sacrifice since today is his 21st birthday . . . and he 'd rather make sure he gets on the 6 : 30 AM flight than to get drunk . . . not a bad choice . We are all packed . . . between gear and clothes for 11 days , hubby and I filled both big suitcases . I 'm a bit worried about how all of this is going to fit in the minivan we have rented . . . but , that is a geometry problem for tomorrow , and frankly not really my problem - - - that is one advantage to traveling with all boys . Rex will be over when he 's packed and ready to go - - D2 will meet us at the airport at 4 : 45 AM ( I trust his mom to get him there . . . ) and McWiggins / Swear Jar ( new name , as he said " I 'm like the swear jar come to life " ) . I think I have all the details finished at school that I can do . . . now I can only hope that it all doesn 't fall apart without me . . . I think this will be the longest period I 've been out of the building since I started teaching there . . . even over break and summer I end up in the building in some way . . . it will be almost 2 weeks that the place will have to survive without me . When we get back , we 'll have a debate on a controversial issue on campus . This has the full support of the big guy and his boss - - who seem to be pretty excited about the concept . Not a bad thing to have happen two weeks before my tenure package is due - - huh ? Just wait until I actually HAVE tenure . . . Snow is forcast for Thrusday morning . . . I have a summary due and a bunch of lecture to do , as well as exam review for my Intro class . . . and then I 'll be gone for three class meetings , one of which includes the exam . Out of 40 students , how many will come in for that uber - important class ? ? The thing is , if they don 't come in they won 't be able to answer at least two questions on the exam - - they are short - answer and the material is only in the lecture / PowerPoint as they don 't have access to a readable version of the Critique of Pure Reason - - ' cuz there ISN ' T one ( at least that I 've seen ) . hmmmm , more suspense for us here at BNCC . . . So , The week before break I have a paper due . I get two versions from a student . . . one on - time and one two days late . Neither of them are complete , as she ends the paper mid - sentence . I don 't grade them , but I also put them in the wrong pile - - When her class gets them back , she doesn 't get her 's . She freaks out and tells me she 'll print another one . Later she sends an e - mail teling me it is in my mailbox ( it isn 't . . hmmm ) and here is the attachment as well . I find the two other versions after an e - mail exchange . I tell her she needs to tell me which one to grade . I have not had a response as of yet . I know she didn 't turn it in with the class because I wrote " on - time " on it , when I wouldn 't have if it were with the others - - but it must have been very close or I 'd have taken a penalty off . . . What I won 't do is to grade the most recent version like it was on - time . Revisions are late papers - - the revision has to be worth the late penalty . I get the feeling she 's done this before . . I think what she did was to turn in the paper as she had it at the time it was due . Later , when I ask her for the rest of it - - as it ends mid - sentence - - she 'll give me the revised version which is complete . It looks like a sneaky way to get an extension to me - - - and I won 't fall for it . She also turned in a summary paper early - - I think she said she thought that was what was due - - but that she 'd go print the other paper " right away " - - i . e give it a few more minutes of work , then print and turn in . If I didn 't have this long debate trip coming up , I 'd take the time to compare her e - mailed version with the other two to see if she 's trying to make improvements she think I won 't see . Maybe I 'm biased against pretty , thin young girls - - but I get the feeling that she thinks that just because I 'm a plus - sized person I 'm not all that bright . It isn 't anything definite , just the way she looks at me and the way she strolls into class late . . . it makes me read disrespect from her , which pisses me off . I should stop , as her issues more than likely hPosted by It is Wednesday morning , Friday morning at 6 : 30 AM our butts need to be on a flight to Portland . We 'll be gone for 11 days - - and as such , there are a few things I need to get done before we go . . . in no real orderhome / non school stuff . . . Go to cleaners w / 2 pairs of pantsreturn movie ( Walk the Line , a cousin was an assistant casting person . . or something ) Clean - up a little here , as we 'll have guests tomorrow nightPackSchool stuff . . teach , debate practicediscuss demo debate with debaters - - do we want to do the controversial subject for which BNCC has been in some news lately . . . big guy tells me he 's getting hate mail for his position supporting free speech in this area and kind of thinks there may be protesters and we 'd look like dolts in the demo debate . Finish first reading of applicationsGrade Intro summaries so they 'll be ready when I come back ( tomorrow ) Do logic practice quiz and post on door . Check - in with exam giver friends to make sure they got the exams and have no questions . . . Make sure postings on door have all the current projects for studentsmake pile to take with me when I leave tomorrow nightmeeting with Teaching Circle member ? ? ? Gather cases for NPJKDLADA ( can be organized later ) ? ? ? do entry for last national tournament in April ? ? ? check with registrar about that form ! It looks like a lot to do - - but the grading is short and the application book I have to read today isn 't huge . . . that being said , I should still get myself out of here pretty early , as there is a lot of stuff on that list for today . I 've never been on an 11 day debate trip - - one that encompases two national championships , one of which I help run . . . So , I definitely need a list . . . and a sherpa to carry my shit . . . . the sherpa won 't materialize - - but the list I can do myself if blind cat ever shuts the heck up . . . Clothes : personal stuff . . . 2 jeans , 2 pants , 3 sweaters 4 shirts , pjs , shorts , swimsuit , RAIN GEAR , Notre Dame sweatshirtGear from home : camera , laptop , cell phone charger , camera battery charger , thingy to transfer photos to laptop , ipod , charger and car transmitterGear from school to run tournament : plate holders ( for trophies ) , stuff on school listGear from school to coach tournament : timers , clipboard , good pens , umbrellaWork stuff : logic book , grading left to do , files for tenure portfolio , my own reading for my dissertation - - - Shear entertainment : only ONE book ( we will have to go to Powell 's ) , DVDsInformation : KQRS folder , NPJKADLDA folderOf that stuff , the following needs to go in my carry - on bag : computer , camera , ipod , Information , book for fun , misc ID and stuff to fly . . . Make sure hubby brings : KQRS pens ( they are actually HERE , in time , WOW - - - we may get the hang of this yet . . Camera and tripod . Hubby and I may pack our clothes and regular debate stuff in one suitcase and use the other for miscelaneous shit that won 't fit in our carryon bags and / or we don 't want to drag ourselves all the way to Portland . Postitive thought for the trip . . . Today is Wednesday , 48 hours from now we will ALL ( D1 / D2 / Rex , hubby and me ) be waiting to board our 6 : 30 AM flight to Portland . It will be on time and we will get there no hassles . We will have a comfortable flight and a fun time in Portland before we go to Eugene . The rental car will be there , and all of our luggage will arrive with us . We will go to someplace in Portland to buy an inexpensive printer , which we will use during the tournaments and then bring / send home to use on the road in future years . If this happens , I 'll be a happy girl - - and a much less stressed one at that . I started reading applications today . It is kind of sad , as there are so many people who went to the trouble to apply only to get a rejection letter . A couple of our long - term adjuncts didn 't apply . It is hard to blame them , it has to be hard to have been passed over several times . One of them is teaching a full load already and three of us have been hired in front of her . It also makes me a bit leary of ever going back on the job market . I love BNCC - - and I have great administration all the way up - - - so I 'm not too worried about having to look again - - but if hubby gets hired by his undergrad school in a couple of years , I 'm not willing to stay here an be away from him . That means that I 'll go on the local job market there , which sucks ass . Who knows - - maybe hubby will get a job right here in BN city and all will be well , and I 'll get to stay in my office with a view of the smoking section forever and ever . . . Four and a half years ago my little sister died suddenly . She left behind a sweet and wonderful husband . He 's worked hard to re - build his life , but hasn 't ( to my knowledge ) found another woman . Since well before they were married , Pam 's hubby worked for a company doing technical work . They promoted him several times , gave him training and generally pumped him up . This company had hired several of his friends etc . . . and put him into a job that sounds pretty difficult ( teaching computer support techs over video . . ) . This week they fired him . I don 't know why , but I do feel for him . Pam 's hubby hasn 't had formal education , outside of the certifications he completed with his company - - but , no BS or anything . I 'm sure he 'll get another job ( he has an interview tomorrow ) , but it sucks that he doesn 't have Pam to help him out . . . It seems that Wednesday this week was blog against sexism day . . . and I missed it . Maybe that is because I 'm 37 and don 't seem to think about sexism much in my current work - - or , because it was Spring Break this week and being so serious didn 't seem to be in the cards . . Of course I think sexism is wrong . Just like racism and classism - - duh . Perhaps my family has created a different set of expectations for me so that when I bump up against sexism I either ignore it or work around it . I occasionally see sexist attitudes from the old guys at BNCC , but since I know that I 'm actually smarter and younger than they are - - I usually ignore them and get my way . In my family the women have pretty much been the center of power and culture for a while . The family does what the women want done , we set the agenda and decide when to have reunions etc - - the men more or less go along for the ride . My great grandmother was a farm girl and farm wife . She had 2 girls and three boys , one of whom was my grandfather . She taught them the value of education - - and my grandfather met my grandmother in college . She was a couple of years ahead of him and he decided that he had to have a college education to keep up with her . My mother is their eldest daughter . She was divorced when I was about 10 - - and taught me and my sister that you don 't die from being tired , and that education will help you in the long run . I ended up being someone who ignores sexist BS - I feel pretty lucky to be in my generation in this family . We aren 't radical feminists - - although my grandmother 's sister was a big ERA supporter - - but we do think that women can do whatever men can do . . yea us ! The first time I saw regular and systematic sexism was in my grad department - - Generally , very few grad students and NO grad profs who were women . . . or , to be more precise , there was one woman on the grad faculty during my time but she was working mostly in adminitration and only taught one course the whole time I was doing coursework . On the undergrad faculty there was only Posted by I 'm done with grading jail - - after the Russian wrote a 20 page paper for an 8 page assignment . . . it is fun to have debaters in my class . The paper actually is pretty good , excellent for an undergraduate class . I 'm watching Seinfeld Season 6 on DVD , I just had chips and salsa for lunch and I have a new book . . . and mom is on the way down for the weekend . The place is pretty clean and the laundry down to a small mountain . . . This time next week we 'll be in the middle day 1 of NPKQRST naitonals in Oregon and this time two weeks from now we 'll be in day 1 of NPKQRSDA naitonals . wow - - the year has gone very quickly . No drinking and debauching for me - - but , it was a good break afterall . So that I don 't later think I completely wasted my break , here is the list of activities . . 1 . Ran a successful tournament - - in that everyone got their debating done and nobody died . . 2 . Got caught up on sleep ( very important with nationals on the way . . ) 3 . Cleaned my office - - which was terrible after hosting the tournament . 4 . Did the quivalent of four expense reports - - two of which were early , thus placating the accounting trolls upstairs . 5 . Graded and recorded all but 12 papers for Intro to Phil . 6 . Wrote exams for Intro and Logic for the first week we will be gone to nationals . 7 . Got a bunch of laundry done , as well as some housecleaning and cooking . 8 . Finished watching Seinfeld season 5 . 9 . Bought new red birkenstocks , plus some personal stuff the debater boys don 't want the details about . . . 10 . Read most of a book by Jodi Piccoult ( " Picture Perfect " ) . 11 . Had a good meeting with the wonder - dean about my tenure portfolio . . . turns out I don 't need to freak as much as I thought . 12 . Some fun with hubby - - - ' nuff said : ) . 13 . Whatever Mom and I end up doing this weekend . . . . should be fun . We have three cats - - one more than our leas allows , but they are a happy little community and I 'd never consider getting rid of one because their very living became inconvenient . They do fave their own quirks anc challenges . . . Mrs . Old kitty has a hard time getting enough sleep or affection . The affection bit is because she 's naughty and likes to pee in our bedroom , so she 's now banned from there . She used to sleep about 96 hours a day on our bed . Now she sleeps on what has become her chair in the living room . We change the cover when company comes , just before - - as she 's a high vollume shedder and frequent puker . She is at least 17 years old , small and white . This puts her out of regular affection range for us , but she does come to get a snuggle once in a while - - I think she probably prefers it that way . The sleep bit is is simply because she 's really old - - my hubby and I have developed a new test to see if you think your cat is old - - if you regularly ask your spouse if you 've seen the cat breathe lately , or touch her to see if she 's still alive - - you have an old cat . Mr . Blind kitty is blind because of cataracts - - he gets around fine - - is REALLY good at finding the food dish etc . . but , he 's blind . He is also really anxious for a cat , he 's always been that way and now if he gets turned around in the apartment he shows how good he is at working his vocal cords . The racket is amazing . To reduce his stress , he likes to eat paper . D1 and the gang were over on Monday night for dinner and ballot reading . D1 left some flows of debates from our tournament on the floor - - Mr . Blind kitty has been munching on them - - I had to stop Mr . Blind kitty , or things get ugly later for him . . . . . Mr . Multi - toes is as normal as a cat with 6 extra toes can be - - he 's about 11 and is fully functional . Sometimes he and Mr . Blind get into a tussle , but it is more of a formality to let Mr . Blind kitty re - live the old days when he was master of the house . . . Also , Mr . Multi - toes loves to play with his water dish , and since we 've recentPosted by So - - Chloe won . I 've really liked watching her develop on the show . She comes from a Southeast Asian family - - either Hmong or Vienamese . It is cool because she looks so much like my students at BNCC . Right now they are a little scared , kind of shy and often smart and talented . Maybe later they 'll be at the top of their profession later on . Today I spent most of the day in grading jail . I got all but 12 of my Intro to Philosophy papers graded today . I also have all of that stuff recorded and ready to return AND I have my exams written and copied for when we are at NPKQRST naitonals . Tomorrow - - morning in bed , afternoon doing laundry and finishing up grading so I can be out of grading jail . Today is my day in grading jail . I have about 50 Intro to Phil papers on some aspect of the arguments on the existence of God . I hope they aren 't all awful . I 'm going to my office for grading jail - - - just after I send NPJLKMODA their checks for our entry fee . In my office I can 't get wireless , and since I vowed not to blog from work - - EVER - - I should be ok there , away from distractions . I 'll stop and get some good food on the way and be there when the NPKQRS / NPKJLMORASDKL teams get there at 5 : 00 for a practice round . If I can keep my ass in gear and focused today I can start actual break tomorrow . . . Friday is lunch with the Red Head , and then a mom ( either mine or hubby 's ) will be around for the weekend - - that should actually be fun ( no sarcasm - - love them both . . ) . Next week is crazyness - - lots of meetings AND reading applications for the job search . . Overheard at expensive grocery store yesterday - - - " Mommy , what is that ? " " That is a pineapple " . " Where do they grow ? " " On palm trees . " Wow - - sure , we are northern , but mom must have been to school . . . at least she didn 't say they grew on pine trees . In case you are wondering , pineapples don 't grow on trees at all . They grow in fields , many on the Dole plantation in Oauhu - - The Dole plantation was between my grandparent 's house and the airport - - until they moved to Arkansas . boo . Even as tired as I was yesterday ( tournament hangover is a bitch ) , I still felt smart . Every time I passed her in the store I wanted to stop her and correct her . I read a friend 's blog . She mentions that her mom is selling her house and moving into a condo that doesn 't allow cats . She has two cats . Mom decided that it would be better to put down two healthy cats rather than try to find them homes together or separate . My friend is an adult and sounds like she 'll be on vacation when the cats are killed . So - - - let me get this logic . . . the CATS will be happier DEAD than liviing with others , and possibly separate . Yea . . this is for the good of the cats . right . This is all about mom 's convenience - - killing them is easier . My friend seems to be ok with this , or - - so her blog post indicates . She may be more upset than she writes , but I 'm not so sure about that . Frankly , not being upset about this and not even seeming to THINK about either finding another place to live , other than a " pretty " condo - - or , not even seeming to consider taking them to a shelter makes me ill . I can 't really consider someone who would do such a thing so easily a friend . The post indicates that the cats have been with them since birth - - they have f - ing responsibilities to them . I 'm not all that convinced that animals have rights , but if you take responsibility for an animal , you should fulfil that or at least take the time and effort to find someone else to take care of them for you . If this is really her position , that it isn 't a problem and that she doesn 't seem to think she has a duty to the cats to at least give them a sliver of hope at the shelter . . . then she can 't be my friend . Enough of this - - - my polydactl cat needs some loving . . . I read a friend 's blog . She mentions that her mom is selling her house and moving into a condo that doesn 't allow cats . She has two cats . Mom decided that it would be better to put down two healthy cats rather than try to find them homes together or separate . My friend is an adult and sounds like she 'll be on vacation when the cats are killed . So - - - let me get this logic . . . the CATS will be happier DEAD than liviing with others , and possibly separate . Yea . . this is for the good of the cats . right . This is all about mom 's convenience - - killing them is easier . My friend seems to be ok with this , or - - so her blog post indicates . She may be more upset than she writes , but I 'm not so sure about that . Frankly , not being upset about this and not even seeming to THINK about either finding another place to live , other than a " pretty " condo - - or , not even seeming to consider taking them to a shelter makes me ill . I can 't really consider someone who would do such a thing so easily a friend . The post indicates that the cats have been with them since birth - - they have f - ing responsibilities to them . I 'm not all that convinced that animals have rights , but if you take responsibility for an animal , you should fulfil that or at least take the time and effort to find someone else to take care of them for you . If this is really her position , that it isn 't a problem and that she doesn 't seem to think she has a duty to the cats to at least give them a sliver of hope at the shelter . . . then she can 't be my friend . Enough of this - - - my polydactl cat needs some loving . . . Update - - friend 's blog says that perhaps her aunt will ake them - - I hope it is true and not just something said to save face . . . I feel really organized lately - - now , if only I could finish the stuff I need to before NPapfeai nationals . I had a meeting with the wonder - dean today about my portfolio . She 's a really neat person and was very helpful about what she thinks she wants from me to get our version of tenure . I have a great outline , now I need to give examples of the innovations I 've done , collect newspaper articles about my team and generally organize the past three years into something coherehnt . . . . all by April 15 . I 'm also onto another level of committee work with big guy - - not exactly sure why , probably because he thinks I get stuff done . I 'm not so sure that is a correct impression , but if he 's up on me for something other than debate then that is good . Finally , we have a time frame for reading applications and interviews - - and it will work with my debate travel schedule . I was worried , as the 11 days I 'm gone are pretty much prime time vitae reading times . Now , if the debater boys will do their work I can get that organized . . . Tonight and tomorrow - - GRADING JAIL - - really . . . I want it done by Thursday . I have other stuff to do and can 't get behind . . really - - and I NEED a break . The good thing about grading jail is that the food is good . . . I 'm baking a chocolate cake and will have some X ( localish ) brand coffee ice cream with it . . yummmmmmmm I make really good chili . . . D1 / D2 / Rex and McWhiggins are coming over for dinner tonight . . . we 'll read ballots and watch the only debate movie ever . . . " Listen to Me " . I love Prilosec ( it lets me EAT chili ) It is nice to have the house mostly clean at the beginning of break . Naps rock . . My office at BNCC is CLEAN - - Technically , I spent all day in my pjs ( I have pj pants that look a lot like actual pants ) . I have good snacks for grading jail tomorrow . I don 't feel like I 'm going to fall asleep if I sit still ( like yesterday , whle JUDGING - - it is bad if the judge snores . . I didn 't , quite . . . yea , life is good This is the second round I 've judged this tournament - - I was busy running stuff . This round is a semi - finalNPQRS - LD - - - wowPlan = DC statehood - all the regular stuff … Opp 's arguments are when it gets good … The DA = " what do we do with all the 50 star flags " ? - - - ummm - so , I am supposed to vote on the disposal problem and against giving millions the right to vote to determine their own fate … . HmmmThe other argument from the opp = " they can vote in neighboring states " . . huh ? The poor people of DC ( and , DC is very poor ) - should MOVE so they can VOTE … no , it gets better . . the bozo uses the argument that they go to school in BN state and can still vote in home state . . h mmmmmmmm - - - - that is because you are in SCHOOL in BN state . YikesI want to go home and put my head under the covers … really ! Well - - the tournament weekend is over . . . now , I 'll do some weaning off of debate and work my way into an actual break period . . . The team did very well this weekend - - NPQRST results . . . Rex / McWiggins were 4 - 2 , made it to elims and dropped . . . I wish we had more time with these two , I think they would be pretty successful . Their record as a pair is great and if this tournament counted for KQRS points , it would likely put them in the top 100 in the country . D1 / D2 did a bit better , loosing in semi - finals to the current state champs . With a more nationals - like panel they probably would have won . NFLAQRD - LD results . . we did two of these tournaments . . . D1 lost twice in finals - - to different members of a friend school from the south . Made - up but still pretty interesting NPQRST - LD event . . . McWiggins lost to D2 in semi - finals and D2 won finals . This is actually our first tournament win this year - - and actually Century 's first ever tournament win period . Problem is that it is a kind of made - up event . . . but , it is a legit event anyway . I like that D2 won it - - and I would have been happy with McWiggins doing so as well . It is good for D2 to see he can debate and win without D1 . . . . sure , D1 is good - - maybe even great - - but a great team needs two debaters working together , and if D2 is just a puppet for D1 , they won 't do nearly as well . We have next weekend off , the following weekend is NPQRS - - - and our long trip to Oregon begins . Been REALLY busy hosting a tournament here at BNCC . . . It has been fun , stressful and exhausting - but , good too . We had schools come from across the midwest / Southish area to debate in three different formats . . The result is the following schedule for me . . . Friday10 : 30 - - get to school after doing a bunch of prep - - do more - - 2 : 00 everyone comes to register , 2 : 30 - - 7 : 00 debate rounds . Saturday7 : 00 AM BE AT SCHOOL ( aargh . . . ) leave at 9 : 50 PM . . . debate all day , long day . . . Sunday7 : 15 AM , BE AT SCHOOL - - double aargh - - leave ? ? ? ? don 't know - - hopefully by 7 PMtomorrow - - sleep , clean , laundry dinner for the debaters for nationals . . . I swear , I 'll put myself in grading jail on Monday and Tuesday until I get them done . If I have to lock myself in my office with PowerBars and a water bottle ( double use . . . yea ! - - or , really , yuck ) and not come out until I have my Intro to Philosophy papers done . I 'm looking forward to next fall . I won 't be teaching Intro , I 'll have two logic sections , debate and ethics to teach . If things go my way I 'll be able to facilitate a teaching circle next semester too - - and I 'll give up my regular ethics section and keep the honors section . I could realistically have a Maximum of 96 philosophy students - - down from my first semester when I actually started the semester with 250 . I may even learn their names . I 'm quite excited about the fact that we have Spring Break next week and as such , I 'll have a chance to have lunch with my best - girlfriend from HS , Red Head . Red Head has been my pal since 5th grade music . We did some kind of performance together , it sucked , and we became buddies . It is the kind of friendship formed between two smart , nerdy , non - rich girls in a sea of perfect , non - nerdy rich kids . The only thing I miss about high school is getting to see her every day . We also worked together during high school and afterwards when I was in my first undergrad school , here in BN state . She 's smart , funny and has a strong sense of right and wrong - - sometimes she isn 't right about that ( her views on homosexuality make Santorum look liberal ) but , she 's generally in tune with what is good and right . I think it is funny that I 've known Red Head longer than ANY of my debaters have been alive . She knew me when I was a geek with bad hair ( not so sure THAT has changed ) and I knew her when she had terrible teeth she couldn 't get fixed due to her parent 's modest income and 7 kids . . . she got braces as an adult . Red Head and I have gone very different direction . She didn 't go to college - - - she has that natural managerial and leadership ability that they can 't teach in MBA classes . She married later than I , but has a child with him . She 's never lived more than 20 miles from where she grew up . . . . while I have 2 . 5 degrees , no kids and have lived many places away from BN state . Even after being apart for 12 years , she was the first person I called when Pam died . When I was in another state , she called me when her youngest sister Emily died . She understood what it felt like to loose a little sister - - and as I became aware of how much that can and does hurt , she was the one I wanted to talk to . I remember the pain in her voice , and when my voice sounded like that - she was the only one I wanted to hear it . She 's the person I 'd take shopping for an important dress ( like philosophers need them . . but still , I can dream ) and she 's the onPosted by So - - this weekend about 16 teams will come to play in our playpen . It should be fun to have them . . . their coaches are good pals and the students aren 't demanding or mean . Also , having a pretty small group makes things easier . . . 9 rooms for parli , 5 for LD - - not bad and can be done pretty much on one floor of BNCC . We seem to have just enough judges and the tournament will pretty much break even , which is all we can ask - - as it allows our students to compete for free . Snooty in - state school is bringing a bunch of teams and no judges . It will cost them more to pay fees at our tournament than I paid for our house in Oregon between KQRS and NPQRDA . Three programs that said they 'd come aren 't - - one 's coach has a family issue , two others just flat out lied to me about going . . . they have the money to go elsewhere this weekend . . . One didn 't owe us much - - but the other made several loud committments to sending teams up , as we took the long - ass drive from BN state to their craptastic city TWICE ( once in the winter ) . They talked big about supporting their firends - - yada , yada , yada - - but , in the end - - no show . nice . I guess that makes our travel decisions easier this fall - - and keeps me from having 5 weekends in a row . . . not bad . On the other hand , a program run by a new friend just got our support for their tournament next year . Hell , I 'd advocate we hire at least one of their coaches to a faculty position in a couple of years . . . if we could convince him to move to BN state . There are others who are currently in power in the area - - - and who benefit from lots of regional support - - I suppose if we get the same budget allocation next year that we got this year , we might find someplace else to be their weekend also . . . that would be sad , but we can only go to theirs so often without reciprocation . aaahh debate politics . . . BN state is served by a monopolistic airline . That airline gives us lots of lovely direct flights to places we like to debate . Those flights are a bit more expensive than other options , but they go at nice times and it doesn 't take long to get from BN state to other places - - and direct travel is also nice . . Monopoly Airlines is threatening to go on strike . . . 93 % of the pilots on that airline have threatened to strike . This airline is currently being struck by the mechanics , but they have been replaced . Last week I booked all the tickets for our travel to Oregon - - on another airline . We have exactly 0 tickets on them in the next month . . . If they strike , I look brilliant - - - and getting on a flight at 6 : 30 AM is a great option if you don 't have any others . . . If they don 't , then we are all getting up in the middle of the night for no reason . . . BUT . . . the fact of the matter is also that if I had waitied to buy the tickets , the prices would have spiked with the news and we might not have been able to get on anyway . . . So - - maybe better safe than sorry we didn 't leave at a better time . As I was writing the previous post , another goodie came in . . In essence it said : I need to turn something in to you ASAP , but I wasn 't paying attention when you told us what it was . Please respond ASAP . I Read that as : I didn 't think you were serious when you assigned those summaries . I also didn 't think you were serious when you said in class what the assignments were or that there is a hard deadline of TODAY to get them in . I figured out that you were serious when you gave the grade update in class last time , but I didn 't bother to read the blackboard in the classroom and write down the article that needs to be summarized . I also didn 't do the reading before class , so now I 'm figuring out that I have to do this or risk getting a grade that will keep me out of the Law Enforcement program , the school I want to drink at next year , or at a minimum out of trouble with mom and dad so I can keep drinking with my high school friends . Please respond immediately or risk my whine about how you weren 't available to answer my questions and I 'll complain to the dean . This morning I got an e - mail that came down to . . . " Dear Philosophy Facotry Worker " I need help in logic . I know I couldn 't make it to class yesterday and I have a class before ours , but isn 't there a time you could help me ? We have a quiz tomorrow and I don 't understand . This reads to me like : " Dear over - worked prof " I couldn 't be bothered to come to class yesterday , or to do the homework before last night so I didn 't know I don 't understand it . Could you please go out of your way and come in uber - early to help me because I couldn 't be bothered to help myself . Additionally , I don 't have time to talk to you right before class , because I have another class - and I couldn 't have talked to you yesterday after class because I 'm " too busy " - - so , get your ass out of bed extra early tomorrow and come in to explain to me what you taught the whole class yesterday . And , I know that professors don 't have anything to do with their lives other than wait for a student to come ask for extra help , so I know you 'll be available to give me 5 minutes of brilliance before my 9 : 30 class that will explain the whole subject . Signed , An irresponsible studentSo . . . my response ? " Dear Irresponsible " ( not exactly . . but I do wish I could . . ) In essence . . . If you could decode it you 'd read . . . I 'm not coming in for you , nor am I going out of my way for you . Additionally , I can 't even pack all the meetings I have into my usual schedule and tomorrow there is one in my office hours . . . so , here is my phone number . Call me before you come over to see if I 'm in my office today in the early afternoon or before my 6 : 00 class . My dream response . . . Dear Dumb - AssCome to class and you 'll understand the material . Also , had you come to class you 'd have a grade report in your hands that tells you exactly how you aren 't performing in this course . Maybe that would have inspired you to ask for help in a timely manner . As it is , I don 't think I 'll go out of my way to help you . . . should you wander by my office I 'll resist the urge to shoot you with the water gun I have for Posted by For some reason I 've been thinking about the first class I ever taught - - and my first class meeting for that class . I finished my MA in the end of 1999 and was working on the classes I needed to be ABD when , in June 2000 I was " laid off " from my non - academic job . They wanted to move my job to Marinette , WI - - and it wasn ' worth my going there to do THAT . . . As part of my job search , I put out feelers to my undergraduate college ( we were still in town because hubby was in the military . . . ) . The chair of the department came back saying that he had one section of Ethics for me , and I was welcome to it . He also needed to know what my books would be ASAP , as the bookstore had wanted the book order 2 months ago . . All of a sudden , I 'm a teacher - - yikes ! Sure , I 'd thought about it , as I 'd gone to a job fair for teachers at the local CC - - and was encouraged to apply for the full - time job there ( for which I was a finalist . . . in retrospect , wow ) . A couple of days later the snobby private school AND the CC had a section each for me to teach . The sad part about this was the pathetic salary I 'd accumulate from teaching three courses at three different schools , but the cool part was that I 'd actually be doing a job that required my MA - - - instead of jobs for which my MA was a reason NOT to interview me . Hubby was still in the military then , so we could afford a bit of a pay cut . That summer I also took a job as a customer service person at a credit union - - which was a nice job , but one I quit by December . . . Anyway , all the schools pretty much said , " tell me what your books are " and " if you want , you can come in and look at previous syllabi we may or may not have on file " as the ONLY guidance about what should have been in the course . In other words , the message was clear , ' you are on your own honey , good luck - - don 't bother us Mrs . Adjunct ' . Since I 'm probably more headstrong than blessed with common sense , I went for it . My first day was at undergraduate school . . . I thought I had it nailed . I knew where the building was ( lots Posted by

Mistral Dawn is a thirty - something gal who has lived on both coasts of the US but somehow never in the middle . She currently resides in the Southeast US with her kitty cats ( please spay or neuter ! : - ) ) where she works as a hospital drudge and attends graduate school . Taken By The Huntsman is her first effort at writing fiction and if it is well received she has ideas for several more novels and short - stories in this series . Please feel free to visit her on FaceBook or drop her a line at mistralkdawn @ gmail . com Lu Whitley is with us today ! : - ) Lu , please tell us about yourself and how many books you have written . ​ Lu : I 'm Lu . A full - time author and oddball from all around the world , but currently setting up shop in Illinois . I 've written 3 books total . Two that may never see the light of day . 1 , BloodMarked , that has been published , and I 'm currently working on its sequel , BloodStone , right now . ​ Me : Congrats on publishing your first novel ! : - ) What is the name of your latest book and what inspired it ? ​ Lu : My WIP is called BloodStone ( The Fraktioneers # 2 ) . I had so much fun writing Stein - a secondary character in the first book who also happens to be a really snarky mountain troll - that I felt I needed to write more of his story . ​ Me : That sounds like fun ! : - ) What authors , or books have influenced you ? Lu : ​ As far as authors go , I love the work of JRR Tolkein , Lloyd Alexander , VC Andrews , Anne Rice , Dean Koontz . . . oh there 's just too many to name . Anything that has a little bit of fantasy , a dash of horror , and a whole lot of humor . I think probably every book I 've ever read has influenced my writing a bit . I pick up mannerisms here or there . When I like a way a certain author does something - like pacing or dialogue choices , I think , " hmm . . . How can I adapt that ? " I take it , put my spin on it and get going . I think that 's how we grow as authors . ​ Me : I like it ! Learning from the masters . ; - ) What are you reading now ? Le : ​ I get very little time to read . Being a self - published author is hard work ! But when I do get time , I try to read work by other Indies . Right now , I 'm reading Deceived by LA Starkey , and I 'm loving it ! ​ Me : That 's great ! : - ) For those who might consider reading your book , what would you tell them to expect ? Le : ​ Hmm . A main character , Greta , who knows nothing about what 's really going on in her life , except for the fact that it 's quickly running off the rails . ​ Jaromir an 800 + year - old - but definitely not a vampire by his own definition - Scandinavian ex - prince who is sworn to protectWebsite : http : / / lujwhitleyauthor . com / Facebook : https : / / www . facebook . com / AuthorLuJWhitleyTwitter : https : / / twitter . com / LuJWhitleyGoodreads : https : / / www . goodreads . com / author / show / 13559212 . Lu _ J _ WhitleyAmazon : ​ http : / / www . amazon . com / Lu - J - Whitley / e / B00U7RR2PWRiffle : https : / / read . rifflebooks . com / profiles / 157639 C . E . Vance is an avid reader and proud Indie author . Aside from dreaming up fantastical tales for her books , she also enjoys writing poetry and short stories . She loves all types of literature , but has a soft spot for children 's fantasy . How Maxwell Grover Stole My House is her debut novel and is the initial book in a trilogy for middle - grade readers . She happily resides with her husband and four children in Utah . I loved this book from start to finish ! It was so exciting and every page had me gripped . The characters are fantastic - particularly the disgusting Maxwell Grover himself . As a teacher of 9 - 11 year olds , I imagine that every kid in my class would just adore this book , but it isn 't just for kids . The idea of a sadistic , bullying adult picking on kids is something everybody can be afraid of . It locks into something inside every one of us , and you just can 't help but root for the kids to come out on top . The name Maxwell Grover sounds harmless enough , right ? Wrong . Maxwell Grover is the epitome of a grumpy old man - inside and out . If you 're expecting a heartwarming oh - he 's - just - a - lonely - and - misunderstood - man - who - needs - a - friend twist from this book , you won 't get it . The author 's descriptions of Maxwell are disgusting ( in gross - out mid - grade appropriate ways ) and a couple of times I regretted trying to eat lunch while reading a chapter . The ten - year old protagonists acted their age which frequently frazzled my helicopter - parenting nerves . The children repeatedly antagonized Maxwell and invaded his personal space without understanding the potential danger they were placing themselves in . Multiple times I wanted to pull them aside and tell them to stop doing what they were doing because it wasn 't safe . I 'll admit it . I 'm getting old . Mid - grade readers will get a kick out of this one , as long as they can accept not all books have to have a happy ending . BTW , this is not a spoiler . You find out in the first chapter that things aren 't going to end well . I bought this book for my nephew who is a struggling reader . I am amazed how both my nephew and I are enjoying the book . C . E . Vance has a natural ability to tell children 's stories and to tell them well . She used suspense , humor , and language in a way to evoke the most natural feelings in story - telling . I look forward to finishing this book with my nephew . Already we have enjoyed Vance 's uncanny ability for description and emphasis on unraveling the story . Thumbs way up ! This book was amazing . It kept my interest from the very beginning . It really picked up after Zeke 's family moved to a new place and he befriends Winks . Their adventures went from harmless fun ( who didn 't go toilet papering as a kid ? ) to , I can 't believe you did that and got away with it ! …… This was this author 's first book and she is an amazingly talented author ! She 's extremely descriptive and weaves a fabulous story . Again , the reason I didn 't give 5 stars is because I 'm old - fashioned and like a happy ending that this just didn 't provide . I can 't wait for her next book , though . If it 's a sequel that gives me my happy ending , I will definitely be reading more from this author ! " You can 't know he won 't betray us . " " Ha ! " the Pixie 's laugh was much harsher than any sound such a small throat should be capable of producing . " Is that what 's concerning you ? " She turned to the Brownie , " Renny , " she pointed to a knife that was sitting on a table by the window , " pick up that knife and stab yourself through the hand . " " Mistress ? " he said , startled . " Now ! " Renny could see in her eyes she was serious . Taking a deep breath , he walked over to the table and picked up the knife . Hoping for , but not expecting , a last minute reprieve , he gave her a pleading look . Ciane gazed down at her slave imperiously , letting him see in her face the consequences should he fail to obey her . Gulping , the Brownie closed his eyes and plunged the knife through his palm , stifling a shriek of pain . " Good , " said the Pixie , " now pull it out and do it again . " He looked at her , hoping he had misheard . There was a look of sadistic glee , almost sexual in nature , on her face , and he knew that she had not only said it , she was enjoying it . Doing his best to steel himself against the pain , he yanked the knife out and plunged it through his hand again . He couldn 't help but watch in macabre fascination as his blood dripped on the floor , and he butchered his lips to keep from crying out . As his breaths came in shuddering gasps , his eyes were drawn inexorably to hers . " Again ! " Panting from the agony , Renny quickly pulled the knife out of his hand and thrust it back through . He couldn 't keep from moaning and quivering in pain ; though , even as he stood there , the wounds were beginning to close . As he groaned and shivered , Ciane flitted over and alighted on his arm . With an incongruent delicacy , she reached out and dipped a minuscule finger into the blood that continued to pour from the wounds . She placed her blood - coated finger in her mouth and licked it clean , the expression on her face orgasmic . Turning to the Elf with an arrogant expression , she said , " I think this proves he can be trusted to do as he 's told . Now , how is the rest of the plan pro * * * Can 't wait ? It 's coming soon ! ! ! : - ) In the meantime , have you read Taken By The Huntsman and Bound By The Summer Prince ? If not , why not start there ? ; - ) I revealed the title at my Facebook party last Saturday , but have you been wondering what the cover of Intrigue In The Summer Court would look like ? Well , here it is ! ! ! ! : - ) Julie Nichols is the talented artist who created it , and I , for one , think she did a totally awesome job ! ! ! ! : - ) If you 're interested in seeing more of her work , you can find her here : Her prices are very reasonable . For ebook covers that the author provides the stock photos for and just need her to manipulate the photos and paint over small parts , she only charges $ 20 ! To include a wrap - around cover that can be used for a paperback , she charges $ 30 . And for custom - painted covers ( like the one above ) she charges $ 100 , and as you can see they are well worth the price ! ! : - ) Did I mention she 's also an amazing novelist ? A woman of many talents ! ! : - ) The easiest way to contact her for custom artwork is through Facebook . : - ) And besides being wildly talented , she really is a gem ! : - ) So . . . would you like to see the synopsis for Intrigue In The Summer Court ? ? ? ? ; - ) Here it is : Jillian just knows something bad is going to happen ! She 's been a loyal adviser to the throne and friend of the queen , Briallen , for thousands of years , and now Roni and Uaine 's wedding and coronation are to take place in just a couple days . The Summer Court will have a new king and queen , who can hopefully repair the damage and heal the schism the late king created . But Jillian just can 't shake the feeling that trouble is brewing . Many of the Summer nobles aren 't happy about the changes that are taking place in the Summer Court , and many of the other Fae just aren 't too sure about having a human on the throne . . . even if she has been blessed by the goddess . When Angelica , the leader of the Pixies , comes to her with news of a plot to murder the prince and princess , Jillian 's suspicions are confirmed . Will the two of them be able to unravel this conspiracy in time to save the royal couple ? Or will prejudice prevail , and the hope for peace in Fairie be lost forever ? * NEW RELEASE * Blurb : A love story that happened at first glance with a whirlwind of events about to change both their lives . When songwriter Rebecca Evans moves to Tennessee to pursue her career in writing music for a country singer , she meets cowboy football player , Bobby - James , who becomes an angel in her life . But she 's worried she must leave her world behind . Her grandma would never understand . Will Rebecca take a chance on a new life with the man she loves ? Will it be the right choice ? Today is the day ! ! ! Jessica Wren from Author Promo Co - op has organized a party today on Facebook to honor me ! ! And I am quite honored . : - ) I really hope you all will stop by . I 'll be popping in now and then throughout the day , and there will be games , prizes , lots of fun , and maybe even a sneak peek or three of my work in progress ! : - ) Hope to see you all there ! ! ! ; - ) Jessica Wren with Author Promo Co - op has been kind enough to organize a Facebook party featuring yours truly ! ! ! ! It 's scheduled for tomorrow ( Saturday , 7 / 25 ) and I 'll be popping in now and again throughout the day . I would love it if all of you could find a few minutes to stop by . I 'll be answering questions ( so feel free to ask a few ; - ) ) and talking about my soon - to - be - released novella featuring Jillian ! ! : - ) There might even be a giveaway or two ! ! : - ) Thank you all so much ! ! ! The first draft of my work - in - progress is done ! ! ! ! ! ! * happy dance * Hopefully it won 't take too long to edit it , and I 'll be able to make it available to you all in the next two to three weeks . But no promises . ; - ) Anyway , stay tuned for the cover and title reveal , and don 't forget to check out the little peek I 've posted below ! ! ! Thanks for checking in ! : - ) Excerpt : Frustrated at her terrible luck , Ciane considered whether to leave the path and try to find an alternate route through the forest , or to confront the two Fae who waited for her . Just as she decided that she couldn 't risk an altercation with two foes who might be forewarned about her power , their sudden silence alerted her to the fact that they were aware of her presence . It was all she could do to maintain her silence and keep from making her exact position known by screaming out curses . Deciding to use what little surprise she might have left , Ciane pinpointed her two opponents and drifted closer . It was clear that , while they knew she was close , they hadn 't yet determined her precise location . As she studied the situation , the Pixie decided to make Jillian her initial target . The Sidhe was larger , and so it would be easier to grab hold of her in the darkness . Wondering who Jillian is ? Check out her history in Taken By The Huntsman and Bound By The Summer Prince here : Hey Everyone ! ! : - ) Karina Kantas has joined us today to tell us about herself and her stories . Karina , who are you in a nutshell , and how many books have you written ? : - ) Karina : Hi I 'm Karina Kantas . I 'm from the Midlands UK but I have been living in Greece for the last twenty five years . In fact , I have actually spent more of my life here than I have in the UK . I have over 30 pieces of non fiction published such as film and book reviews , articles and even poetry . I have seven fiction books published : Karina : My last book was Undressed . I wanted my fans to get a glimpse of my past and why I write what I do and to see even more writing styles . Me : Sounds interesting . : - ) What are you working on now ? Karina : I 'm trying to finish the final edit of book one of my fantasy series , Illusional Reality . Once I 've made the changes and done a read through the manuscript will go to my beta readers , before being formatted for publication . Book two is finished but needs a rewrite and book three has couple of chapters done , but the rest of the book is in notes . Me : It 's great that you 've got several books ready or nearly ready before publishing any . Wonderful way to keep from making your fans wait too long for the rest of the story . : - ) What authors , or books have influenced you ? Karina : I started writing after reading The Outsiders by S . E . Hinton . I got turned on with reading about outlaw toughs . After I had finished her series of books , I knew I wanted to write in the same genre . So that 's how In Times of Violence came about . Karina : The moment I am editing and reading through my own work . I haven 't picked up a Kindle or a paperback for a while now . The last book I read was by an independent author . I feel it 's very important to support my fellow authors and try show we really mean business . That 's it 's not a hobby for us . We are serious about what we do . Me : I agree ! Some of the best books I 've ever read have been by indie authors ! : - ) For those who might consider reading your book , what would you tell them to expect ? Karina : With the MC thrillers , you can expect drugs sex and rock ! Violence is mixed with love and guns with respect . The men are tough , sexy and in charge , The women will fight to keep their man and are either running from something or running towards it . My two collections show I 'm not a one trick pony , that I am capable of writing in all genres and styles and gives a little more insight to how my warped mind works . As for Stone Cold , apart from the supernatural element and the gruesome murders , most of this story is my own experience . It centers along what most teenagers go through such as bullying , depression / suicide , and the feeling of being alone an unloved . Karina : Being able to tell a story and get some closure from it . There 's always a piece of Karina in my books . I leave it to the reader to decide what part is fiction and what really happened . When you hear from a reader about how much they could relate to your story or how much they enjoyed the book , it just validates that you 're doing the right thing . Me : Oh yes ! Readers are definitely much appreciated ! : - ) Do you have a day job as well ? Karina : The easiest part is emptying my head . These storylines , scenes and characters have kept me awake and to finally get some release is a happy relief . The hardest part is as an indie author all the marketing and promotion falls to me and with my health problems it makes it three times as hard . Karina : Anyone that likes the fan page and comments on a post will be sent the e - book Undressed . And if anyone would like any of my e - books send me a private massage via the fan page and you can buy direct from me . By leaving out the middle man you can get it much cheaper than advertised . Me : Perfect ! Thank you so much for stopping by Karina , and thank you to everyone else for joining us ! ! : - ) Don 't forget to stay tuned for the next installment of Mistral Dawn 's Musings ! ! : - ) Avery Mason had it all : the nice house , the fancy clothes , the expensive cars and the perfect husband . On the outside looking in , her life appears to be perfect . But inside , Avery knows her life is far from perfection as her husband 's carefully constructed façade slowly starts to crumble . When Dr . Max Harrison transfers from Chicago to North Carolina , his world is flipped upside down the moment he sees Avery . With one glimpse into her blue - gray eyes , he can see the pain she is so desperately hiding from the rest of the world . As Avery attempts to push him away , he becomes convinced that there is more to her than meets the eye . And when he finally uncovers her darkest secret , the pieces of the puzzle slowly start to click into place . Max and Avery want to be together , but nothing in life is ever that simple . It 's not going to be easy to get her away from the powerful Mason family , but Max will risk everything to protect her . His only concern is Saving Avery . Welcome to the first Author - 4 - Author Blog Hop ! ! : - ) The theme for our first Hop is First Lines . I thought it would be appropriate to use the first line from my first book , Taken By The Huntsman : Discarded and ignored by those around her for most of her life , Cassie is a lonely human woman struggling to find her place in the world and meaning in her life . Cadeyrn is the Erlking , the leader of the Wild Hunt , a hundreds of thousands of years old Fae who has always known his purpose . He has spent his entire long existence tracking the criminals of Fairie and punishing them for their crimes . While hunting for the murderer of a child who has escaped to Earth Cadeyrn comes across Cassie and realizes that she is the one that the great mother goddess has designated as his soul mate . He kidnaps her and takes her to his fortress in Fairie to protect her from his many enemies . He knows she will be angry and that he 'll have to work to earn her trust , but he finds his task to be even more challenging than he had thought it would be due to Cassie 's difficulty in opening her heart . Will Cadeyrn be able to convince Cassie that the bond between them is real and earn her love ? Want to read more ? You can find Taken By The Huntsman on Amazon here : Taken By The Huntsman On Amazon ! It 's also available free through Kindle Unlimited and the Amazon Prime Lending Library . : - ) 5 . ) Please help to promote our blogs hops via twitter and Facebook . Our twitter handle is @ author4 _ author … . we need hash tags and or key words . Does anyone have any suggestions on the hash tags or key words we could use during our promo of the blog hop ? The outfit that Raleigh had designed was perfect , and it fit Roni like a glove . Uaine was going to love it ! The whole thing consisted of a red leather corset , which magically laced itself to make her already hourglass figure obscene . A pair of tiny , red silk , crotchless panties . Shoulder - length , red leather gloves . And thigh - high , red leather boots with five - inch spiked heels . The corset cupped and supported her magnificent breasts , but left them fully exposed . The boots were cut so that the front of the tops was higher than the back . They rose all the way up her legs , so that the sides that lay along her inner thighs brushed her outer labia , and the pointed fronts framed her pubic area in a V . Roni looked into the full - length mirror that was set into the wall next to the door and ran her hands over her leather - clad curves . Watching the hands in her reflection flow like water over her body , she smiled happily . Not wanting to spoil the effect , she fixed a stern expression on her face as she moved towards the bedroom . Uaine looked up to see a vision that must surely have been plucked from his most erotic fantasies stalking towards him on the bed . She oozed confidence and sexuality as she slinked forward on her crimson heels . A severe expression carved her high cheek - bones into razor edges , and the scarlet clothing made her light - coffee colored skin glow . Her long , curly , mahogany hair shone reddish in the candlelight , as the waves cascaded over her bare shoulders . Drawing in a sharp breath , it was all the prince could do to keep from tearing the bed to pieces so he could free his hands and touch her . The stunning creature reached out to run one leather - encased finger down his cheek . The material was soft and smooth against his skin , but he could feel the warmth of her inside it . " Your safeword will be ' stad ' , " said Roni , as she bent over to kiss him lightly on the lips . " Do you understand , slave ? " " Yes , mistress , " he answered , his mouth suddenly dry . I just realized that with the craziness of my life and last month 's Positivity Blog Tour , I 've gotten way behind on posting my reviews of Indie books . So I decided that for this month 's # IndieBooksBeSeen 18th of the month Indie book review day I would post all of the reviews I 've been meaning to post at the same time ! Here you go ! : - ) Ambrose was an angel who just wanted to do his job . When the Divine Will asked him to choose a side in the war with Lucifer , Ambrose declined . He was busy and he just didn 't want to get involved . What a mistake ! ! When he wouldn 't choose he was cast from heaven and stripped of many of his powers . A guy who just wanted to do his job now had , literally , nothing to do and no where to go . To top it off , the angels who had sided with Lucifer wanted to eat him ! How 's a formerly nearly omnipotent , celestial being to cope with this sudden reversal of his fortunes ? You 'll have to read to find out ! : - ) I have to say , Jen Winters is a wonderful story teller . Kissing Demons was wonderful , and I wasn 't sure she 'd be able to top it , but Falling Angels does ! As the reader follows Ambrose through the centuries and lives with him through his struggles and , yes , even his mistakes , he becomes one of the most humane characters I 've ever been introduced to . I 'm giving this book five stars , and I can 't wait to read the next one ! Lycan Love and Angel Mine By Barbara Chioffi : What woman wouldn 't like to wake up and find a gorgeous guy offer to let her use his body to fulfill her wildest fantasy ? Julia is lucky to have such a dream come true when Justin shows up in her bedroom after she returns from a midnight stroll . Little does she know Justin isn 't a dream , he 's a werewolf ! She quickly gets over this revelation , as Justin fills the place in her heart that was left empty when she was orphaned as a child , and finds a new family with Justin and his father and brother . Jackson is a sexy cop , who cooks and protects . Jeza is a lonely bookstore owner who has lost her family . Both of these people are a bit skittish about trusting , because of bad relationships in the past . But when Jeza needs help , Jackson doesn 't hesitate to come to her rescue . This is a short story and a quick read , but very fun . Elsa , the main character , is every woman , everywhere , who has ever felt insecure or self - conscious about her appearance , or has struggled to balance the need to be professional and assertive against the desire to be open to people and thoughtful . All - in - all I highly enjoyed this story and found it very relatable . This was an entertaining , light - hearted story that still managed to give insight into a different world and belief system than what we commonly perceive as mainstream in this day and age . The different children had distinct , unique characters that were both likable and at times , makes the reader smile in recognition of the emotions and chaos that on some level many of us experienced or are experiencing as teenagers . The story deals with Native American culture in a respectful and fun way , weaving a story that is fun and entertaining but also well researched . Although the romance part came off as a little forced , for my taste , I think that for a teenager reading the book the interplay between all the characters would be a very positive addition to the book . Hopefully , this author continues to write and we see more from her in the future . Transitory by Ian Williams was an interesting concept and certainly one of the more unique books that I have read in quite some time . The author blends science fiction and an element of the fantastic into a successful book that keeps you interested and curious about the characters and what they will learn next . The book was edited well and there were only a few very minor grammatical or spelling errors which did not detract in the least from the story . Throughout the book there were some areas were it seemed as though what was happening was insufficiently explained or was in contradiction to what was said earlier in the book but again , these did not detract from the over all story arc and I am sure that it is something that could be corrected easily enough in future books . Definitely worth a read and hope to see more books from this writer in the future . My first thought when I saw this book ? If any ego could withstand being stuck with a moniker like " Stupid , " it would be that of a cat ! This story is an adorable look at the world from a cat 's perspective , and I truly enjoyed following Sam ( aka Stupid ) on his adventures , and misadventures , through the world . Being a life - long servant to the feline kind myself , I could definitely relate to many of the events that occurred in this book . It 's a very short read , perfect for a child just learning to love books , but is charming enough to entertain adults as well . All - in - all , I highly recommend it ! : - ) This was a well - written , well edited story with enough description of the characters that you felt you not only knew them but also had an idea of what type of animal they all were . The story was a light , relatively easy read but it was still complex enough that the end was an actual surprise rather than a forgone conclusion . The addition of information about how canyons are formed and the weather was actually entertaining and educational to read , rather than being heavy handed . Ultimately , the story was a very successful , unique piece of fiction and an entertaining , educational read . It is the type of story that either adults or children could enjoy and most certainly a story that could be easily read aloud . Over - all , it was a very good book and I hope the author continues writing more . I actually liked it so much I bought a second copy as a gift for a friend . : - ) Here 's another sneak peek at what 's happening in Jillian 's short story . Look out ! The furry people are on the move ! Ah , how much trouble could a cute little bunny and a kitty cat get into , anyway ? ; - ) Patches nudged Mr . Spats to wake him up , but the small cat only purred louder and rolled over . Annoyed , the rabbit thumped his back foot against the table hard , the sound echoing through the room . Startled , the cat sat up and looked at the bunny quizzically . Pushing with his nose , Patches nudged Mr . Spats over to the edge of the table . The cat gave the rabbit an annoyed look and jumped to the floor , looking over his shoulder at his furry companion , while swishing his tail from side to side . Patches joined his feline friend on the floor and started for the door . Mr . Spats let out a disgruntled mew and sat down to lick the back of his paw . He was just considering extending his bath to include his face when the persistent bunny poked his head back around the door and thumped again . Burbling his discontent , the cat got up and followed . Check out this awesome video Savannah Morgan created for some of the Author - 4 - Author members ! : - ) If you watch to the end , you just might see someone who is familiar ! ; - ) Comment below and let me know what you think . Do you like the music she picked ? I do ! : - ) Writing is a way for me to better understand life . I process events , situations , and travails through writing - in a journal , on scattered pieces of paper , and on my computer . It is a meditation of sorts ; the silence within the play of words opens doors and offers insight . Sometimes I can express in writing what I may have difficulty voicing . When I started to write , Letting Go into Perfect Love , I was awakened in the early morning hours with scenes , faded by time . Pages of text accompanied these reveries and though I captured some of these glimpses of insight in my writing , others hid and waited - for yet another night . My crowded desk of post - it notes became my companion and sometimes friend . This process , unexpected and bewitching , guided me through the corridors of my heart , where I wrestled with haunting flashbacks and elusive threads of connection . The years of abuse were long past and in tow - its numbness . I could feel again ; and , the tears and gasps came and went - because they could . One story after another unfolded , as sections from frayed journals and yellowed family photos came alive and spoke to me . The dramas that once controlled my life and held me captive were but ailing memories , soon to meet their demise . And as I gazed upon this human collage of struggles and apprehensions , I was humbled by another story that emerged . I realized that my journey was everyone 's journey . I had thought I was alone . And , so it is that I share the stories running through my heart , because ultimately , I hope we meet sometime - - between the lines of scribble and the mysteries of life . Author Bio : Gwendolyn M Plano spent her professional life in higher education . She taught and served as an administrator in colleges in New York , Connecticut and California . She has multiple academic degrees , including one in Theology and one in Counseling . Recently Gwen retired , and she now devotes herself to writing , travel , volunteer work , and her beautiful grandchildren . Book Link : http : / / www . amazon . com / dp / B00K7WYTW6 / Find Gwen online ! TwittPosted by Cadeyrn inhaled sharply and his hand shot up to grab her hair at the base of her skull . He held her head close to his body . " Harder , " he demanded . Watching his expression closely , she complied , slowly increasing the pressure of her bite . When he tightened his grip on her hair and she felt moisture as his cock jerked against her belly , where it was pinned between them , she released the grip she had with her teeth and began to lave the abused nub with her tongue . He shuddered against her in ecstasy . Just in case you missed it , you can find the first chapter of this story here : First Chapter Of Jillian 's Short Story . If you 're wondering who Cassie and Cadeyrn are check out their story , Taken By The Huntsman , which is now available through Kindle Unlimited ! : - ) Thank you all for reading ! ! ! Posted by I published my first book on October 18 , 2014 . I remember much the way I remember my children 's birthdays . Every day I would eagerly check to see how many books had sold and if I had any reviews . Going was slow . Did I say slow ? Sloths move faster than my sales did . I confess to a degree of discouragement . It wasn 't that I thought I would find myself on the NY Times Best Seller List , but I certainly expected more than one or two books being purchased daily . Perhaps I was overly optimistic . After all , I knew next to nothing about self publishing . I had stumbled onto the Createspace site by accident and maneuvered my way through it clumsily . In retrospect it is funny . My awkward attempts at designing a book cover , my dreadful editing , and my myriad errors glare at me now . As sales began to trickle in , so did reviews . Many of my early reviews mentioned the terrible editing . I took the criticisms to heart and re - edited the book . I 'm sure there are still mistakes in there . But it is better . Amazingly I got some very good reviews . Some readers overlooked the editing and glowingly reviewed the story . That gave me hope . However the sales were still dribbling in . I tried a variety of measures . I offered free books on Amazon giveaways and my own blog giveaways , I set up a Goodreads giveaway , I posted on every social media site I could . The result was drip , drip , drip . Meanwhile I was working on my second book , " Riddle " . It was quite different from " View … " and I thought that might make it more popular . I found a fabulous book cover designer on Fiverr . I had used her to design a book trailer for " View . . " and had been very pleased with her work . I was ecstatic with my new book cover . I not only carefully edited the new manuscript myself but I had my husband and my sister read over it as well . Surely it was perfect . On June 15 , 2015 I did a Facebook Book Launch . I had learned a few things from my previous experience . " View . . " continued to plod along . " Riddle " looked as though it was doing okay . Still no overwhelming rush to Amazon to buy it , but it was early in the game . Then two days ago something inexplicable happened . Sales of " View From the Sixth Floor " went crazy . Okay , I don 't mean hundreds . In about 24 hours I sold 21 copies and over 600 were downloaded in Kindle Unlimited . What did I do ? What clicked ? " Riddle " wasn 't doing too badly . Certainly it was selling slowly but over 1700 people had downloaded it using Unlimited . I have a couple of theories . One is that my Amazon Author Page now has two books listed . Secondly , I had done a lot of promoting with " Riddle " . It was very likely those promos carried over to my first book . However , it could be nothing more than hitting the right group of people at the right time . So , if you are an indie writer , struggling to find an audience for your books , don 't be discouraged . Read your reviews . There may be hints there that tell you why your book isn 't doing as well as you hoped . Set up Facebook pages for yourself as an author and for your book as well . Start a blog and chat up your book , review books by other indie writers , set up giveaways . Make sure your book is on Goodreads and use all the opportunities for promoting they offer . Most importantly , don 't give up . If you are doing what you 've always wanted , if you are fulfilling a dream , press on . Connect with other indie authors and share suggestions . We are all in this challenge together . Indie support is the best kind of support you can get . I have finally been able to start writing the short story that will cover Roni and Uaine 's wedding and coronation . I know , I know , it 's about time , right ? ! ? So what does this mean ? Good question ! Well , for one , things are pretty crazy in my life right now , so I might not be able to write without interruption until this story is done . But I 'll do my best . : - ) Secondly , I 'll probably not be as present on social media . I know , I know ! I suck . But there are only so many hours in the day . I 'll do my level best to get this story ready for all of you as soon as I can , but I can 't make any promises . I 'll also try to post updates here on my blog ( with sneak peeks ! ;-) ) at least once a week , but again , no guarantees . You 'll all just have to stay tuned to find out what happens ! I hope you 'll think it 's worth the wait . ; - ) In the meantime , here 's the first chapter . It 's not edited ( so yes , there will probably be mistakes ) , and it is definitely subject to change , but hopefully this will give you a hint of what to expect . : - ) Jillian had a bad feeling . Her eyes searched through the crowd assembled in the throne room of the Summer Court ; her gaze flitting from one Fae to the next , searching for some clue as to the source of the threat . For days she had stood quietly behind the queen , as Briallen welcomed the dignitaries who had traveled from all over Fairie to witness the wedding and coronation of Roni and Uaine . It wasn 't every day that new rulers assumed control of one of the Season Courts Once the young people were properly crowned , they would ascend to the throne of the Summer Court , and Briallen would step down . Never had Briallen looked more regal than she did now , as she fought through her grief to formally represent the Summer Court for the last time . Jillian 's heart broke for her queen , even as her trepidation built . What truly maddened Jillian was that she couldn 't identify the source of her unease . Ever since her encounter with the goddess , her instincts seemed to have been heightened . At times , it seemed as though she could tell what would happen before it came to pass . She was still learning how to use this new ability , but she knew that ignoring a gift from the goddess was never wise . Right now , every instinct in her was screaming that something was wrong . Taking a deep breath , Jillian reached into the bag that hung over her shoulder to pet the rabbit who sat patiently inside . The feel of Patches ' soft fur under her hand calmed her , as it always did . Her sweet bunny friend , sensing her disquiet , nuzzled her fingers in an attempt to reassure her . Unfortunately , in spite of Patches ' best efforts , Jillian 's feeling of foreboding persisted without abatement . She continued to seek a hint as to what direction the peril might strike from by observing the crowd . Jillian noted that the Erlking and his Anamchara , Cassie , had finally arrived . The presence of Fairie 's Huntsman gave her some comfort ; a Fae would have to be bold indeed , and foolhardy , to instigate trouble in the presence of the goddess 's own enforcer . Still , Jillian couldn 't escape the feeling that something bad was going to happen . Her attention was caught as Ankou , the king of the Winter Court , approached Briallen and nodded to the queen . Jillian marveled at how strong the king looked , in spite of all of his loss . A lesser Fae would have long since decided to allow themselves to fade , but Ankou appeared as solid and powerful as ever . The thought of his long eons of existence gave even Jillian , who had lived for tens of thousands of years , pause . As she observed the large male moving through the throng of Fae around the throne , her heart ached for the mantle of sorrow that surrounded him . Shaking herself from her reverie about the Winter king , Jillian tried to focus on the niggling feeling at the back of her mind , and identify just what was causing it . With so many gathered to celebrate Roni and Uaine 's union , a premonition of danger couldn 't be dismissed . She shook her head , it was no good , any Fae with enough status to be invited to such an important event would have long since learned to control their reactions . Perhaps if she withdrew and sought some quiet for meditation , then clarity would follow . Angelica gave her a predatory smile . " Oh , they 'll do for now . But what could be causing you to look so serious on such a happy occasion ? " " Do I look serious ? " Hedged Jillian . She made a mental note to control her face better , now was not the time to show weakness to outsiders . " Do you think it is only the high - Court Fae who are capable of smelling trouble in the air ? " Angelica gave the Sidhe a bitter look . " We lesser Fae have noses as sharp as yours , my lady , " she added , the honorific thrown in ironically . Jillian 's second eyebrow joined the first , just below her hair line . " I never suggested that you don 't , and the only one calling you ' lesser ' , Angelica , is you . If you have knowledge of danger brewing , then by all means , speak up . " " Ah yes , how could I have forgotten ? It is a new day with a new regime , " she cut a contemptuous glance towards Uaine and Roni standing near the queen , " about to rise . The past is now over , and we are all one Court once again . Not all of us forget centuries of injustice so easily , Jillian . " Grimacing , Jillian acknowledged the truth , " Ithel 's behavior was inexcusable , but he is dead , and his vision for the Summer Court died with him . The goddess made her judgment known , and the wise will do their best to abide by it . The past may not be forgotten , but we cannot change what was done . All we can do is make the future better . " Sighing , Angelica crossed her arms over her chest . She looked down , and then back up and cocked her head to the side . " Perhaps . We shall see . Your prince and his mate will be under close scrutiny , I hope you know that . " Jillian fought to conceal how startled she was by the thought . " The goddess herself has bestowed her protection on the princess , and her blessing on the royal wedding . Are Deirdra 's relatives foolish enough to challenge the goddess ? " Angelica snorted . " Not directly , of course , that would be suicide . But you know perfectly well there are always loop - holes in any magic . All they need do is find one . " Free July 5 - 9 . Ice is a paranormal crime thriller about a small town under siege by a drug cartel . http : / / www . amazon . com / Ice - Jessica - Wren - ebook / dp / B00O1CCAU6 / ref = sr _ 1 _ 6 ? s = digital - text & ie = UTF8 & qid = 1436141663 & sr = 1 - 6 & keywords = ice & pebp = 1436141672397 & perid = 0350J5X6EBCXAMWB6J7JDescription : In Minterville , Georgia , the residents live in relative seclusion , partly to keep crime out of their small , tranquil community , and partly to prevent the world from finding out about The Minter , a form of telepathy that interconnects them and gives them a sense of unity . Then The Minter , which cannot function in the presence of evil , stops working . Mayor Tom Watson suspects that two families who had recently moved to town have ties to Manuela Escribano ( known as the Ice Queen ) , a prolific drug lord who , unbeknownst to the rest of Minterville , has a deadly score to settle with Tom . No one , including Tom , has any idea how deep the Manuela 's desire for revenge runs , until one Friday morning , twenty women disappear . When Manuela sends in a video detailing her diabolical plot to get revenge against Tom and the community that has harbored him for thirty years , Minterville must come together as one to rescue the women before time runs out . They must act quickly , or innocent people will die and their beloved community ( and along with it , The Minter ) will be destroyed forever . About the Author : Jessica Wren is a psychological - thriller writer from a city in Georgia that is famous for its sand gnats ( known locally as ' tiny flying sharks ' ) . She wishes to share her infinite wisdom and life experience , as she knows everything about being a cop , a lawyer , a drug dealer , a serial killer , a teenage boy , and every other known identity . She gives top - notch professional advice on her blog about writing by which she consistently fails to abide . Her other talents include finding that super - convenient parking space in a busy parking lot that somehow got overlooked , helping others overcome their fear of lotus seed pods , and making up song parodies for every imJessica would like to extend a huge thank you to Mistral Dawn for featuring her today . You 're very welcome , Jessica ! ! Thanks for joining us here at Mistral Dawn 's Musings ! : - ) Happy Fourth Of July ! ! ! : - ) And to all of my fellow Americans , Happy Independence Day ! ! : - ) This is a day we traditionally use to kick back , relax , barbecue , and enjoy some fun in the sun . But with all of the recent events , I thought it would be a good time to reflect on all of the things that make me grateful I live in the time and place that I do . America has , from the beginning , been intended as a bastion of freedom . It is a country founded on the principles of liberty and self - determination . The preamble to our Declaration of Independence explicitly states that we all , every one of us , have the right to pursue happiness in our own ways . The very word ' independence ' is defined by the Merriam - Webster Dictionary as " freedom from outside control . " So what does this mean ? I know you all want to get back to your fireworks ( ; - ) ) , but I wanted to share something I hope you 'll think about . I am so grateful that I live in a time and place where , no matter who we are or what we believe , we are free to say what we want . We can embrace each other , even as we vehemently disagree , and not only accept our differences , but celebrate them . America is often referred to as a melting pot , and to an extent it is , but as any cook knows , every time you add an ingredient to a dish , you change it 's overall composition . Uniformity isn 't what makes the United States great ; tolerance , acceptance , and a willingness to learn and understand are . Just ask a geneticist , variation is where strength lies . A population without variation is a dying population . So rejoice in the fact that we are all different , and that we all have the right to display that difference proudly . After all , isn 't that what freedom means ? Now go have a fun and safe fourth ! ! : - ) As I 'm sure all of you must be aware by now , last week the US Supreme Court announced their landmark decision legalizing same - sex marriage across the United States . I consider this a huge step forward towards achieving true equality in our society , and have been very vocal on social media about my support of this new law . To date , I 've received 23 emails from people informing me , with varying levels of vitriol , that they will no longer be purchasing or reading my stories . I certainly understand sincerely held beliefs , having many of my own , so I 'd like to take this opportunity to thank these individuals for taking the time to write to me , and for explaining their thoughts . I always welcome all points of view , and I appreciate your past support and wish you all the best in the future . To be honest , I believe your decisions are probably for the best , as I do not think you would enjoy the direction in which I will be taking my series . I 'm very sorry you feel the way you do , more sorry than you probably understand , though my sorrow has nothing to do with your lost patronage . It is not in me to fail to rejoice and celebrate when a significant portion of the population finally , after many years of struggle , gains a basic human right that had previously been denied to them . The United States , the country that I was born in , have lived in all my life , and which I love , was built on the principles that all people are equal , that we are all endowed with certain inalienable rights , and that among those rights are life , liberty , and the pursuit of happiness . The Supreme Court 's decision regarding same - sex marriage upholds those principles beautifully , and the only possible response for me is to laud it . As I said , I wish you all the best , and I fervently hope , someday , all of you are able to open your hearts to people who only want the same rights that so many of us take for granted . Until then , thank you for everything , and it 's been fun ! : - ) As some of you may have noticed , I recently enrolled Taken By The Huntsman in the Kindle Unlimited program : Taken By The Huntsman On Amazon . I did this as an experiment , to see how you all like it . As you may , or may not , know , when a book is enrolled in the Kindle Unlimited program , it has to be listed exclusively with Amazon . So when I enrolled Taken By The Huntsman in the Kindle Unlimited program , I had to remove it from all other merchants . So my question is : What 's your opinion ? Would you like having my books available to you through Kindle Unlimited , or do you prefer to have a variety of options for where you can find them ? I 'm not sure how long I 'll leave Taken By The Huntsman in the Kindle Unlimited program , or if I 'll ever enroll any of my other work in it . It all depends on you . : - ) So , dear readers , please tell me what you would prefer . Shoot me an email , leave your thoughts in the comments , or send a carrier pigeon . ; - ) But please let me know what you think , and if you would like to see my titles in the Kindle Unlimited program , then please tell your friends and family to download Taken By The Huntsman from Kindle Unlimited . Right now I 'm collating data , and a big part of my decision will be based on how successful Taken By The Huntsman is in Kindle Unlimited , so spread the word ! ! : - ) Thank you all for your help and for being as awesome as you are ! ! ! ! : - ) Hey Everyone ! ! : - ) I 'm back with another political post today . See , told you I 'd warn you upfront . ; - ) I 'm going to walk y . . .

Posted on October 31 , 2012 by Kiran Chug Reply The flight - mares have begun . In fact , they begun quite some time ago . Taking a 13 - month old to the other side of the world in a plane filled with other people who probably just want to get some sleep fills me with dread . So we 're having a practice run next week . Earlier this year , in a moment of careless disregard for our financial situation , I booked us a ridiculously over - priced holiday . There were lots of reasons to do this , and apart from the idea of putting the Little Mister on a plane , the only reason against booking the trip was that neither of us really have much of an income at the moment . ( But , look , I 'm doing a little work like this here . ) So , we 're off to Australia . Despite living here in Godzone for seven years , I 've never been , and I thought it was probably time to get there before we return to England in January . Tony has three sisters on the Gold Coast , and so what better place to take ourselves ? The Little Mister will get to meet his aunties , uncles and cousins , and we will get to have a good old - fashioned family catch up . We 're staying in luxury ( or so it appears from the brochure ) and I can satisfy my craving for genuinely warm weather , a splash about in the sea and a very nice hotel pool ( with cute separate kiddy pool ) to make up for arriving in London in the dark depths of winter . So , super holiday in the sun , here we come . But wait , it 's not like it used to be . Throw beach dresses and hat in suitcase , drink some wines on the plane , and spend five days behaving like there 's nothing in the world to trouble the soul . That kind of holiday , I fear , is long gone . The only trip we 've done with the Little Mister was up to Auckland when he was not even four months old . Of course he was a dream on the plane - any hint of a grimace and I fed him . It 's different now . This boy has places to go . How on earth is he going to sit on my lap for four hours ? It 's not only the confined space that worries me . It 's the timing of it all . Our flight is at 7am . Way to start the day , then , by waking up my sleeping child , bundling him into a taxi before dawn breaks , driving for less than ten minutes , and then expecting him to fall back to sleep at the airport for a bit . That 's before we even board . I have worries too about take off and landing . Will giving him a bottle help his ears ? What if he doesn 't want one ? Then there 's the time difference . Should I start trying to make him go to bed later each night now - we still have ten days to go ? And once we are there , will he sleep anyway given it 'll be a strange place ? Recently he 's not been so keen on new , unfamiliar places … . At least its only a few hours on the plane , the time difference isn 't too bad , and we 're only away for five days . I 'm sure he 'll be a trooper . It 'll be our first overseas holiday as a family of three , and we might not relax in the way that we used to while abroad , but I 'm sure we will have an extra special time because this is how life is now . We 'll just try to forget the plane journey very quickly . And after all , it is only the practice run . Posted on October 30 , 2012 by Kiran Chug Reply BEHIND that little serious face , I 'm sure there 's lots going on . I can see it in his eyes when he listens intently to new noises - what are they , where are they coming from ? I can see it in his face when he sees new things and watches them closely to figure them out . Physically , all that 's new each day is obvious . Today , in the blink of an eye , the Little Mister pulled himself up to standing and cruised along the side of his change table shelf so he could reach a bag of cotton wool he had his eye on . Crawling ? Been there , done that . The last few days have been all about getting onto the soles of his feet - even if sometimes his hands are still on the floor . We thought the Little Mister was getting better . He 's been sleeping from at least 7 - 7 , and with quick wake - ups at about 10 . 30pm and 5am , nights recently have been better than we 've had in ten months . And this lovely long night often follows two day sleeps of well over an hour . So of course it all had to change - we were getting too used to the routine . The Little Mister is so desperate to stand up , that he 's taken to practicing how to do it in his sleep . Still asleep , he sits up in his cot . Thanks to our video monitor , Hal , I can see it all happen . He the either a , tries to stand up and wakes himself up by banging his head on the cot bars ; b , falls forward while still asleep and wakes himself up as his head hits the mattress or cot bars ; or c , sways for a while and rubs his eyes before lying back down on his tummy and starting the process again ten minutes later . I 'm not a big fan of all the baby books , the ones which make you feel generally inadequate or like you 're doing it wrong because you feed the baby too often / don 't sleep with him in your bed etc etc . But , the theory behind the Wonder Weeks is making a lot of sense at the moment . The idea is that all babies go through certain milestones at around the same time ( from conception , not birth date ) . When they reach these milestones , their sleep is often thrown out of whack while their little brains process all the stuff they 've got going on . Sounds like exactly what 's going on in our house . We 're bang on wonder week 42 . Apparently the Little Mister 's sleep could be thrown out of kilter for WEEKS . ( At which point I will spend my days curled up in an exhausted huddle on the floor while he plays around me . ) Mother nature has come to the party of week 42 tonight by shining an amazingly full harvest moon over our skies . Thank you , moon , thank you . Please wane quickly . I 'm nearly ten months old now , and , sorry to say it , but you 've been a bit slow at figuring out this whole solids thing . You might remember ( I do ) that you first tried to give me some baby rice cereal when I was five months . Luckily for both of us , you figured out pretty quick there was no way I was going to eat any of that grown - up - like - food - stuff and you stopped trying for a while . ( Lucky too that you realised baby rice cereal is awful and should only ever be offered in miniscule quantities mixed with lots of pear . ) After a bit of a break , you tried again . I 'm not sure why you did this . I like bottles of milk just fine . Sometimes you could warm them up a bit more , but generally , they 're just fine . You might remember ( I do ) that when I was eight months old I stopped fighting you so hard . I had to give it to you mama , your persistence was impressive . You 'd sit me down every day and try and feed me with a soft blue spoon . Meanwhile , you 'd tease me by using a metal spoon yourself . Didn 't you realise how good that would feel on my gums ? I tried really hard to show you how much I wasn 't ready to eat . I clamped my lips shut , turned as far away as I could from the spoon , and squirmed in my high chair . Sometimes I 'd shout . Most times you didn 't get it . Since then , we 've made quite a lot of progress . For example , you 've learnt that velcro - fastening bibs are a waste of time because I can get pull them off easily . You 've also clicked that there 's no point starving me of milk , it doesn 't mean I 'll eat more grown - up - like - food - stuff . I think too that you 've relaxed a bit about it all and now you give up sooner when I 'm not going to eat . ( Even though you took me to the doctor because you were so worried about me puking up all the time . I think you got the message from him though , that there 's no need to be neurotic and I 'm just doing this on my time . ) But there 's still a whole lot of stuff you 're still not getting . Like finger food or anything actually solid : I will gag on it and throw it up . Why don 't you just stop giving it to me ? And cleaning the high chair . Why do you spend so long doing it ? I don 't care , you know , if the remainder of my last seventeen meals are caked onto its edges . I 'm still not going to eat them . Instead of cleaning , you could be playing toys , or crawling , with me . Then there 's the vegetables . This is where you really need help . I know you steam them up with apricots . I hear the scary blender sometimes when I 'm trying to sleep . Just so you know , I can still taste the vegetables through the apricots . Recently , you 've started giving me banana and weetabix in the morning for breakfast . That 's ok , I can handle that . But please remember , as soon as I turn my head away from the spoon and drop my toys off the side of my high chair , mealtime is over . And please don 't forget to pick up my toys for me . Somedays mealtime will be over after one mouthful . Somedays I 'll eat a third of a banana . Just watch me closely for clues about which day it 's going to be . But here 's the most important bit mama , and this is the bit that 's going to help you . When I 'm ready , I 'll eat . Just like all those other babies we see at playdates , who eat toast and carrots and pasta , I 'll eat . For now though , no more doctors , no more sighs at the breakfast bar and hanging your head with sad eyes , and no more kumara and apricot flavoured meat and vegetables . Let 's just wait til I 'm ready . So , we will leave Godzone , for six months , six years , forever - we don 't know . We will go to a place where children don 't walk to school . Where parents must pass through security and metal detectors to get into their child 's classroom . Where teachers can 't hug their pupils . We will go to a place where the Little Mister will be surrounded by cousins , great aunties and uncles , family . Europe will be a hop skip and jump away , with its castles , ruins , history and stories . We will leave our big house and garden from where we can walk to the shops , the swings , the city , the sea , the zoo . We will leave this place as the barbecues of summer still sizzle , and we will wrap the Little Mister in merino and down jackets and shield his face from the biting cold that is the English winter . We will , next year , decorate a tree while the ground outside is frosty , the nights come early , and the fairy lights twinkle from late afternoon . We will visit Christmas markets , go to see the windows and lights in town , and later make a snowman with a big orange carrot for a nose . We will spend the next few months running around trying to get ready to say goodbye . We will cry when we hug and kiss those we love here . We will pack boxes while he sleeps , scrub window panes while he plays , and call packing companies and letting agents when he is distracted . We will worry about money , about jobs , about our new life . We will worry whether we are doing the right thing . We are doing it all for the Little Mister . Who , by the way , had his passport photo taken . This , my darling Little Mister , looks more to me like a photo of you about to start school at four . When did you get so grown up ? Built a fort . Yep , for the first time since I was very young , I built a fort in the living room . This entailed pulling the swabs off the sofa , ignoring the crumbs down the side that need hoovering ( because the Little Mister is afraid of the hoover so it only comes out when he is away or asleep ) , and constructing the perfect climbing fortress for new adventures . My teeny crawling boy has figured out that climbing up things and pulling himself up to standing is super fun . So , for hours today , that 's what he got to do in our transformed little living room . It was a pretty awesome peek - a - boo venue . Talked to him the entire way around the supermarket , despite people looking at me like I was crazy . The supermarket is one of the Little Mister 's favourite places . There are a whole load of kids he can smile at , a whole load of women who pull funny faces at him , and he gets pushed around while looking at all these exciting new things . I 'm not crazy for talking to him , he loves it , and I reckons he gets what I 'm saying . ( Stuff like , wasn 't it so nice of that man to climb up on the ladder for us to get your formula because there was none left on the shelf . ) Scored a massive win by convincing the Little Mister to eat two tablespoons of fruit yoghurt mixed with rice cereal . ( Even though he didn 't want / enjoy it . ) And , although this would have in itself constituted a majorly successful day , I also got a teeny bit of chicken into him by mixing it with LOTS of banana . It made up for his total rejection of carrots and parsnips . So , he almost got all his food groups from solids today , for the first time ever . Took the Little Mister to hang out with other babies his age . He 's getting a little scared by other babies sometimes , so it 's good for him to be around them . He didn 't hang out on the rug with all the toys and little ones much , and he kept crawling towards the front door when it opened , but hopefully there were some important social skills being learnt . We 're still working on being brave . Posted on October 15 , 2012 by Kiran Chug Reply OFTEN in a bowl on the kitchen bench , are a bunch of very ripe bananas . Next to them there 's also usually half a banana still in its skin . Its other half has been mashed and offered up to the Little Mister - to reject or eat a very small amount of as he sees fit . Through the winter , once we realised the Little Mister would eat bananas more often than any other food we gave him , the unmashed half or three quarters went on our porridge . But it 's summer now , and we keep getting half peeled bananas sitting on the bench for too long . So , I channeled my inner domestic goddess today and decided not only to find a way to use up these endless half bananas , but also to start trying to use up some of the pantry fodder I 'd rather we have already consumed than throw out come leaving day . Lucky Auntie Jane just arrived as the result was pulled out of the oven , and Tony soon came home to a kitchen filled with the yummy smell of baking . After a cuppa , I pondered freezing some of the banana and white chocolate muffins we 'd had , but both of my guinea pigs said there wouldn 't be much point - they would be eaten before we needed to think about freezing them . Test passed . But just as important as being scrumptious and a successful way to use up bananas , the muffins were super quick . From getting the ingredients off the shelf to pulling them out of the oven , they took less than half an hour . So , while the Little Mister slept , I had time to bake delicious treats , have some lunch , drink two cups of tea , empty and unload the dishwasher , wash and sterilise his bottles , do the baking dishes , clean the kitchen , sit down and have a natter with Auntie Jane , and revel in my momentary incarnation as a domestic deity . They 're basically the perfect recipe : Mix flour , sugar , and baking soda . Beat the egg and oil together , and add it to the mix . Mash the bananas and add them in too . Mix . Stir through the chocolate . Spoon the mixture into 15 muffin cases and bake for 20 mins on 200 degrees . Bask in domestic goddess vibes for rest of they day . Of course I agonised over quitting . I don 't quit . After years of manouevring , I was finally moving along the path I had planned , and I was making my way along it nicely . Of course , I thought before he was born , I could have it all . When he was four months and I went back to the office , it hit us all hard . For two days a week , he went on hunger strike . Every week . He screamed at Tony . A lot . His weight kept dropping until he nearly fell of the chart and Plunket made us keep going back for weigh ins . He started waking every two hours through the night , my hungry baby . My entire week was consumed by trying to express enough milk to leave for him . We all got more and more tired and stressed . But it never felt like we weren 't coping . We were all , I still believe , getting so much out of it . He became the Little Mister 's favourite person . Our little boy was so lucky to get this amazing one - on - one time - and they learnt so much about each other while I wasn 't there . I got to keep on moving along that work path I 'd been carving out , and I loved it . Even though I was exhausted , I so enjoyed those two days of being among adults in that other world . Still , on those mornings before work , I had to perform a feat that surpassed winning the Krypton Factor just to make it on time . Planning ahead and taking packed lunch and dinner to the office had never been so hard as in these months when we seemed to have no time to cook , or eat - unless it was takeaway or toast . I would try desperately to feed the Little Mister up before I left incase he decided to go without for the next nine hours . His naps were carefully orchestrated so he 'd be due a very long one when Tony took over . I fed him in the work car park , in the health nurse 's room , in the empty office on our floor because I was running out of time to get the newslist done . Tony walked around and around Wellington with him so he would stop crying and sleep through his hunger . I spent the shift planning when I 'd get a chance to express , carried sterilised equipment round in my handbag , always made sure the unused fridge was plugged in , and was careful to hold my bag upright in the taxi home . I experienced infections , discomfort , pain that only a working , breastfeeding woman can know . Finally , logistically , it got too hard . If we didn 't want to do daycare , and if Tony was to keep studying and needing those working hours , we couldn 't keep on . Even when the Little Mister finally realised formula would fill him up in a way his shattered mama was getting less and less able to do , even when he started sleeping a little better , we couldn 't keep on with this life . I don 't feel like I 've quit wanting it all . Maybe right now my definition of " it all " has changed . In these two weeks , he 's suddenly gone down to one wake up at night . He 's started crawling . He 's lengthened his naps to two decent stints . We 're in our routine , seven days a week . I 'm not checking work emails on my phone while feeding him at night . I 'm not glued to the headlines at what also seems to be storytime most nights . Is it making a difference ? I love my new working week , which is spent doing my very best for the Little Mister . I do miss my old working week , but when he 's a little older , I think we will find a way to marry the two . Somehow . I no longer believe you can have it all , at least not the " all " I once wanted . The " all " has now shifted - and I 'm still not quite sure what it is . When I figure that out , maybe then I 'll figure out a way of having something close to it .

The election of Barack Hussein Obama as the first black President of the United States of America . Today , August 14 , 2009 , I was searching through my journal archives and came across a dream that I had totally forgotten . I feel that it is God 's timing for me to see this dream again and share it with you . Because this dream is so detailed and the interpretation of it is very lengthy , I want to give you a synopsis of it and then you can choose whether you want to read it in its entirety . This dream was prophetic of not only the outcome of the 2008 presidential election in which Barack Obama was historically elected as America 's first black president , but of the conspiracy and the groups and the spirit behind the conspiracy that manipulated and deceived this nation in order to have their candidate put into office . He was in essence , a Manchurian Candidate . It also reveals prophetically the deception of very highly respected Christian leaders . This prophetic revelation was given to me six years prior to the fulfillment , and almost six years before I ( and the majority of the citizens of this nation ) had ever even heard of Barack Hussein Obama - years before I had a clue that a black man would even run for the highest office in the land . I had no preconception or foreknowledge of any of this prior to this dream , and had totally forgotten about the dream until nine months after he was elected . But whether you read the rest of the story or not , know this , GOD was and still is in control . He is the SOVEREIGN LORD and it is HE who sets up kings and HE who deposes kings . After I sought God and He revealed who Obama was to me during the campaign , and me not even remembering this dream , I knew that if God allowed him to win , that he would be a rod in the hand of God to bring about more judgment of this nation . I dreamed I was in a building of a large business or corporation in America . I was standing in a very wide hallway in the middle of this building . I did not hear anything , but saw several people walking toward me . Though I knew there were more , there were only three that I focused on and whose faces I saw . These three were walking side - by - side , as if together , and coming straight toward me . Two of the three had worked with me many years , and the third had been with me in church for many years . All three of these women had come against me in the past , and it was unsettling to see these two from work joined by this one from church . Though nothing was said , I saw in their faces and sensed strongly that they opposed my being there , and that they knew the purpose of my presence was spiritual . Just as these three reached where I was standing , they turned and joined others as they walked into what looked like a large executive board room to my left . As they entered , I saw a very long wooden conference table in the center of the room , then someone closed the door . Immediately , the Lord revealed to me that there was a conspiracy , and it had to do with the black race . This group of black and white people were conspiring to do whatever it took to insure that their black candidate was elected into office . I knew that the nation was going to be greatly deceived and manipulated in order to bring this about . I felt fearful of this and such an urgency to warn others , but I knew that I could not tell the police for I knew that they were involved in the conspiracy . When the door closed , I looked to my right and saw a very close Christian friend standing beside a long banquet table filled with food in the center of this wide hallway . She was leaning over the table and putting food on her plate . When I saw her I realized that we were both there for spiritual reasons and were to do this together . The Lord had used her powerfully through the years in ministry . I was several feet away from her and on the opposite side of the table . I knew I couldn 't afford to speak out loud , so I tried to motion to her to get her attention . I desperately wanted to warn her about what God had just shown me . She finally looked up and I mouthed to her , " This is NOT GOOD ! " , but she didn 't understand what I was trying to say - she could not read my lips - and she didn 't notice the urgency on my face . She just looked back down and continued getting her food . This was so out of character for her . I also noticed that she had gotten macaroni and cheese on the front of her blouse that she was about to minister in , and I knew she would be embarrassed and not want to minister before anyone with a soiled blouse . The scene changed and I was walking through what seemed to be another part of this same building . It looked to be a bookstore or some type of shop that carried books and magazines . I saw a magazine on a magazine rack that had a picture of two very muscular white men on the cover . Their upper bodies and arms were huge like body builders . Although I did not know these men , I knew that they were very dangerous and were part of this political conspiracy . I knew that they were the ones who were given the power to see to it that this conspiracy was successful . I knew that they were a threat , and I needed to get this magazine for proof concerning the conspiracy and in warning others . As I was about to reach up and get it , I saw these two men that were on the cover , standing in the next isle . They were standing several feet away on both ends of the isle and were watching me . I felt threatened by them . I pretended that I was not interested in that particular magazine , but I knew that these men knew what I was doing and were deliberately watching me . I knew I was a threat to them as well . Somehow I managed to get the magazine and leave the store without them seeing me . The scene changed again . I was standing in the produce section of a grocery store . About ten feet from me was another woman who was standing directly in front of the produce coolers . The two muscular men that were on the cover of the magazine walked up very close to this woman . I knew that they had purposely stalked her and now they were standing only inches from her . The larger of the two men stood behind her and held her upper arms while the smaller man , standing directly in front of her , slowly pushed a very large butcher knife in the left side of her abdomen . I could see the expression on his face as he took much sadistic satisfaction in watching her horror and pain . He then slowly pushed another large knife in right next to the first one . Again , I knew that he did it slowly to cause it to be more painful . As I watched this , I felt my whole body cringe and draw back , for it was as almost as if it was happening to me . I could not understand why the woman never screamed for help . She never even fought them or struggled to get free . The man then put a knife into her right side . I was mortified at what I saw next . The man in front of her had an electric knife in his hand . This woman who was still very much alive was about to be barbarically tortured to death . The large man holding her reached around with his right arm and stuck a wide , clear , plastic ruler in her mouth for her to bite down on in order to keep her from yelling out in pain . This was becoming very graphic and gruesome , and just as the man with the electric knife was about to use it on her , thankfully , I woke up . Needless to say , this was like waking from a nightmare . In this dream , other than me trying to get my friends attention to warn her of what was taking place , it was as it is in so many of the dreams and visions the Lord has given me - I do not interact - I 'm just there as a witness to what is happening . I immediately went to my study to document this dream and pray for revelation . As I mentioned at the onset , God had me searching for another dream that happened around the time period of this dream , and I now know that His purpose was for me to find THIS dream . When I read it I was amazed , for instantly , I saw our last presidential election and what transpired before and since . I realized immediately that this dream was prophetic of what has , and is happening . When I had this dream 6 years earlier , in 2002 , the only black man I could imagine running for president of the United States of America was Colin Powell . After seeing how well he carried out his duties for President Bush after 911 , I felt he might very well become our first black president some time in the future . I had no problem with a black man becoming president . But , just as I had problems with certain white presidential candidates , I DO have a problem with THIS black president . Obama 's ideas , values , morals ( or lack of ) , and religion are in direct opposition to God 's Word . I had never heard of this man , but soon began to hear conflicting reports in the media about him . I sought the Lord concerning what was going on about this man , and about what the future held for America . It would not be long before the Lord gave me the undeniable evidence and the spiritual confirmation as only HE can , that would reveal who this man was , and that if God allowed him to win the election , he would be used as a rod of the judgment of God on this nation . Daniel 2 : 21 tells us that it is GOD who sets up kings and it is GOD who deposes them . I have witnessed the part of this dream of political conspiracy to deceive a nation and do whatever it took to place a black man in the highest position of this land come to pass . Though you will see it unfold symbolically or allegorically , this dream was quite literal , and the nightmare is far from over . As you read this , please know that I am not a racist and though I do not agree with anything Obama represents , I respect the office he holds . I pray for his salvation and his safety and that of his family . But , as you will see as you read the interpretation of this dream , his winning the 2008 election , though historic , a great victory for black Americans and a sign of great progress against racial division , is not a good thing for this nation . I dreamed I was in a building of a large business or corporation in America . I was standing in a very wide hallway in the middle of this building . I did not hear anything , but saw several people walking toward me . Though I knew there were more , there were only three that I focused on and whose faces I saw . These three were walking side - by - side , as if together , and coming straight toward me . Two of the three had worked with me many years , and the third had been with me in church for many years . All three of these women had come against me in the past , and it was unsettling to see these two from work joined by this one from church . Though nothing was said , I saw in their faces and sensed strongly that they opposed my being there , and that they knew the purpose of my presence was spiritual . A very wide path in the middle of the building , This was the entryway into the board room and the area where the table of food was . Jesus said in Matthew 7 : 13 " … for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction , and there are many who enter through it . " This wide pathway / entryway led to the destruction of the nation and as you will see in a later scene , the deception and defilement of the righteous . The three women from different venues walking side - by - side shows diversity , yet allying and unity in purpose . That 2 were from work and the other from church shows the allying of the powers of big business and religion . The 2 women from work , a black woman and a white woman , were longtime friends of one another . Both were very committed to the union . The black woman was a union representative in my office . The white woman was very committed to the union until being hired by the corporation into management . Their tight friendship created a conflict of interest in either being able to represent the interest of the employees fairly and unbiased . This I experienced personally . Their symbolism in my dream represented this unethical and powerful combined activities of big union and big business . That there was a black and two white women in on this conspiracy to put a black candidate in political office represents that it took both races , but a strong white vote to insure Obama 's election . These two women being leaders in the union represents what has been revealed concerning big unions working together to insure Obama 's election . The unions and corporations worked together as these two women did , though a conflict of interest , had no regard for anyone but those they represented . The other white woman was a woman I had been in church with for several years . This very religious woman was part of a group of members who were very close friends with the pastor and had great influence with his decisions . Due to ignorance , strong religious tradition , and jealousy , this woman and her group came against what God was doing through me in this church and brought disunity and ultimately stopped what God desired for that church . This woman represented the powerful religious influence in this conspiracy , spiritual ignorance in discernment of this candidate , traditions of man in dictating what should be the outcome and in voting practices ( party ) , and jealousy in that a black man had never ruled the nation . We witnessed over and over the influence that those such as Obama 's long time pastor , friend and mentor , the very racist Rev . Jeremiah Wright , and the likes of Muslim leader Louis Farrakhan , who publicly hailed Obama as MESSIAH , had on this candidate . We would also see the thousands that these religious leaders would have influence over . The former persecution from these three women and the opposition to my presence , with my presence being of a spiritual nature , represents the assault against the Spirit of God in this election process . God was speaking through His prophets but the masses poked their fingers in their ears . The questions that conservative Christians presented and are still presenting regarding this man has been met with strong opposition from the administration and those who support it . These two women were professing Christians , yet they were threatened by and opposed my presence . Obama would cause much division among not just the nation , but among professing Christians . Just as these three reached where I was standing , they turned and joined others as they walked into what looked like a large executive board room to my left . As they entered , I saw a very long wooden conference table in the center of the room , then someone closed the door . Immediately , the Lord revealed to me that there was a conspiracy , and it had to do with the black race . This group of black and white people were conspiring to do whatever it took to insure that their black candidate was elected into office . I knew that the nation was going to be greatly deceived and manipulated in order to bring this about . I felt fearful of this and such an urgency to warn others , but I knew that I could not tell the police for I knew that they were involved in the conspiracy . The immediate revelation from God to me of what was going on behind that closed door represents the will of God that His people not wander in the dark , but know and understand the plans of the enemy . It reveals the power of the Spirit of God and of the prophetic word of the Lord . God spoke to His prophets and prophetesses before , during and since . God 's Word tells us that prophets see in part , but also that God does nothing without first revealing it to His servants the prophets . When the door closed , I looked to my right and saw a very close Christian friend standing beside a long banquet table filled with food in the center of this wide hallway . She was leaning over the table and putting food on her plate . When I saw her I realized that we were both there for spiritual reasons and were to do this together . The Lord had used her powerfully through the years in ministry . I was several feet away from her and on the opposite side of the table . I knew I couldn 't afford to speak out loud , so I tried to motion to her to get her attention . I desperately wanted to warn her about what God had just shown me . She finally looked up and I mouthed to her , " This is NOT GOOD ! " , but she didn 't understand what I was trying to say - she could not read my lips - and she didn 't notice the urgency on my face . She just looked back down and continued getting her food . This was so out of character for her . I also noticed that she had gotten macaroni and cheese on the front of her blouse that she was about to minister in , and I knew she would be embarrassed and not want to minister before anyone with a soiled blouse . This large banquet table filled with food was in the center of this wide hallway of this big corporation . Again , the passage of walking through the wide gate and broad path comes to mind , for this table that was sitting in the middle of this wide pathway was prepared by the enemy and became a snare . This friend of mine represented those who have walked powerfully in ministry and in faith . Her part in the dream troubled me and I didn 't even want to bring this out , but I have to speak all that God reveals . It is not up to me to be selective . It is not my message , it is HIS . When I finally understood what she represented , I then fully understood why God would choose her . It is not that she would actually fall into deception , but that others like her would . She represents the epitome of one whose life is dedicated fully to God and who ministers in the power of the Holy Spirit . Because it was she that I saw , it causes me to sense a holy fear , for it could have indeed been me instead of her . The food on the table was not evil in itself , but it became a distraction and a snare , and ultimately a defilement . Her preoccupation with preparing her plate caused her to not see what I saw and not even be able to discern what I was trying to tell her . Her soiling her blouse with the food represents defilement , and her not even knowing she had done so reveals a spiritual blindness . I have been completely baffled at how spiritually blind and deaf so many in the church seem to be concerning this man . This " free meal " in my dream that became such a snare to this one who was very spiritual makes me think of the many promises Obama made such as his plan to " share the wealth " , and hearing the woman during the campaign gleefully state that she won 't ever have to worry about paying for a house or a car because Obama was going to take care of her . I 'm afraid that many who claim the name of Christ have looked to Egypt for security and prosperity and have turned their backs on God ! We are living in a day that we cannot afford The scene changed and I was walking through what seemed to be another part of this same building . It looked to be a bookstore or some type of shop that carried books and magazines . I saw a magazine on a magazine rack that had a picture of two very muscular white men on the cover . Their upper bodies and arms were huge like body builders . Although I did not know these men , I knew that they were very dangerous and were part of this political conspiracy . I knew that they were the ones who were given the power to see to it that this conspiracy was successful . I knew that they were a threat , and I needed to get this magazine for proof concerning the conspiracy and in warning others . As I was about to reach up and get it , I saw these two men that were on the cover , standing in the next isle . They were standing several feet away on both ends of the isle and were watching me . I felt threatened by them . I pretended that I was not interested in that particular magazine , but I knew that these men knew what I was doing and were deliberately watching me . I knew I was a threat to them as well . Somehow I managed to get the magazine and leave the store without them seeing me . Books and magazines represent another form of media . That these magazines were in another part of the same corporation and that these who were to insure the conspiracy was successful were proudly displayed on the front of the magazine represents not only the connection of these conspirators to the media , but also their pride and arrogance . These two strong men were just that - strongmen as spoken of in Scripture - demonic spirits controlling the hearts and minds of man . That they were on the cover of a magazine represents the media - newspapers , magazines , network news , etc . The power and influence of the media is staggering , and those who own the media can play the public like puppets . It has been sickening to watch almost every major media in America become the mouthpieces for this president and his administration . My being able to discern that they were the power behind this conspiracy and the threat they posed to me , was spiritual discernment from the Lord . I wanted to share this discernment with others so they would not be deceived and that something could be done to stop it . This indeed is the way I felt after the Lord reveled to me what He did about Obama . I wanted to shout it from the rooftops . I had the proof from God in my hand but as the dream revealed , I was not able to do anything with what I knew . This is because the Lord told me years ago that what He shows me will come to pass , it will not be thwarted . That I was able to get the proof and the strongmen not see me do it represents the power of God to protect His own and the limitations of demons . The scene changed again . I was standing in the produce section of a grocery store . About ten feet from me was another woman who was standing directly in front of the produce coolers . The two men that were on the cover of the magazine walked up very close to this woman . I knew that they had purposely stalked her and now they were standing only inches from her . The larger of the two men stood behind her and held her upper arms while the smaller man , standing directly in front of her , slowly pushed a very large butcher knife in the left side of her abdomen . I could see the expression on his face as he took much sadistic satisfaction in watching her horror and pain . He then slowly pushed another large knife in right next to the first one . Again , I knew that he did it slowly to cause it to be more painful . As I watched this , I felt my whole body cringe and draw back , for it was as almost as if it was happening to me . I could not understand why the woman never screamed for help . She never even fought them or struggled to get free . The man then put a knife into her right side . I was mortified at what I saw next . The man in front of her had an electric knife in his hand . This woman who was still very much alive was about to be barbarically tortured to death . The large man holding her reached around with his right arm and stuck a wide , clear , plastic ruler in her mouth for her to bite down on in order to keep her from yelling out in pain . This was becoming very graphic and gruesome , and just as the man with the electric knife was about to use it on her , thankfully , I woke up . Again , I was there to " witness " what was to happen . I had to witness this woman being brutally attacked , watching in horror and grief and feeling her pain , yet I was not able to do anything to stop it . I believe that the woman represented America . Her being in the grocery store represents an attack on America being able to provide basic necessities for life - food - the very thing the enemy used to lure the righteous in my dream . The economic crisis that we have been in since just before the election and the debt that this new president and his administration has created in just the first six months of his presidency has put our nation on a very dangerous , slippery economic slope . If the two strong men were indeed demonic spirits , then it was these demonic spirits that were attacking America . The repeated attack was sadistically relentless . Their attacking her in her belly / gut or sides as it were , represents the SOUL . In Scripture , it speaks of the belly as being the soul of a man . Psalms 44 : 25 For our soul is bowed down to the dust : our belly cleaveth unto the earth . Proverbs 13 : 25 The righteous eateth to the satisfying of his soul : but the belly of the wicked shall want . Proverbs 20 : 27 The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD , searching all the inward parts of the belly . John 7 : 38 - 39 He that believeth on me , as the scripture hath said , out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water . ( But this spake he of the Spirit , which they that believe on him should receive : for the Holy Ghost was not yet given ; because that Jesus was not yet glorified . ) The very SOUL of America is under attack . Her not screaming for help revealed the state that this nation is in spiritually - a weak nation with no resolve - yielding to her attackers . I have watched in great exasperation and grief as our congressional lawmakers - without questioning - have rolled over in compliance to the repeated demands of this administration . The act of the attacker putting a clear ruler in the woman 's mouth spoke of " rule " or " measure " . Instead of screaming for help , she was made to bare her pain with an object of " rule " or " measurement " . This was quite interesting to me as I saw this , for it made me think of the Scripture : Luke 6 : 37 - 38 Judge not , and ye shall not be judged : condemn not , and ye shall not be condemned : forgive , and ye shall be forgiven : Give , and it shall be given unto you ; good measure , pressed down , and shaken together , and running over , shall men give into your bosom . For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again . Many Christians take this passage very positively , and rightfully so . But , there is the other side to such conditional Scripture . It 's the same as the golden " rule " . America has been guilty of judging other nations while she herself has been most guilty of crimes against God , against her own people , and against other nations . Though many Americans are very charitable - giving generously to others in need - the government has been so corrupt and has manipulated it 's own citizens , has manipulated and strong armed other nations , and has defied God by making laws that are an abomination . Justice has gone out of the land and wickedness and violence is rampant . The ruler being clear or transparent represents a transparency or revealing of the " rule " of this nation … not because this administration desired transparency ( though claiming to ) . I 've never in my 58 years of life seen so much corruption and ungodliness come to light as I have just since the beginning of this year . It 's been quite difficult for Obama to appoint anyone without their sins being found out and revealed to the nation . From every specter of government , shameful and even criminal conduct has been manifest . And this does not just lie with non - believers . Several openly professing Christian leaders of this nation have also been caught in greed and lust . But what is even worse is that in spite of these sins being revealed , almost 100 % of these have been approved by congress ! And , even with this being made know , there were so many " Christians " who voted Obama in . They choose to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the corruption that was being revealed . The spiritual apathy of so many who voted for and against him would be sickening . This brings me to the end of the dream and to the revelation that the Lord would give me today , September 17 , 2009 - a month after finding this dream from seven years ago , and a year after its fulfillment . I went out for a morning walk . As I walked , I asked the Lord to correct me and give me revelation if I needed it concerning any of my dreams and visions . Immediately , I saw as it was an instant replay of this dream - the part where the woman in the grocery store was being tortured by the two strongmen . When it got to the last part , the scene where the man had an electric knife in his hand and was about to use it on the woman , it was as if the Lord paused the vision and zoomed in to emphasize that it was an ELECTRIC knife . Then He reminded me of something I had seen reported off and on in the past months - that of a BUSINESS - GE ( General Electric 's ) conflicting involvement with our current administration . He took it a step further and showed me MY own electric knife that I received as a wedding gift forty years ago . I did not recall ever paying attention to who made that knife , nor had I ever noticed the manufacture 's name being visible on it . I only use it a couple times each year - usually during the winter holidays carving a large turkey or ham . But suddenly I knew . I knew that God was about to confirm this dream again to me . I cut my walk short for I knew He wanted me to go and see . I had a strong feeling that I would find GE on my electric knife . I walked into the kitchen , opened the bottom cabinet drawer I kept it in , and sure enough , right on the face of the handle was the GE emblem and the words GENERAL ELECTRIC . ( I took this picture of it so you could see what I saw ) It was confirmation of this fresh revelation from the Lord concerning the political conspiracy , the effect it would have on America , and what the electric knife being used in my dream represented . In writing this update , I did a search on the internet for a good article concerning this connection of GE and the Obama administration . I had not seen this recent article until now , but found it very informative and relevant to this new revelation of my dream - a prophetic dream given to me 6 years prior to its fulfillment . It 's no secret that GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt is on President Barack Obama 's economic advisory board . And that GE is the parent company of NBC Universal . It 's also well known that NBC News is in bed with President Obama , who even joked about it at a recent media event : How can Obama generate " climate revenues " ? By forcing companies to pay for the right to emit greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide . In short , cap and trade requires businesses to spend " credits " to pay for their emissions . GE ' S Immelt told shareholders that current events present an " opportunity of a lifetime , " because " capitalism will be ' reset . ' " Immelt wrote : " The interaction between government and business will change forever . In a reset economy , the government will be a regulator ; and also an industry policy champion , a financier , and a key partner . " Immelt 's own comments are by no means hyperbole ; the scheme is brilliant . GE is one of America 's largest corporations . And GE 's Energy Infrastructure , Technology Infrastructure , and Capital Finance business segments - which in total comprise about 75 percent of the company 's revenues - will each benefit greatly from the Obama administration 's policies . Now , does that constitute a conflict of interest for GE or for President Obama ? I mean , how much is the unwavering support of one of America 's major news networks worth to the president of the United States ? And how much is it worth to GE to give that support ? I 'm just asking . The political conspiracy that has been working in secret for years is obvious . So is the blatant conflict of interest the government has by giving such position of power and internal influence to a " for profit " international business . ( which is an understatement of the effect such as this has on a nation ) What has been proven to be thuggish unions and community organizers such as SEIU and ACORN have also proven to be severe conflicts of interest and loyalty from Obama . Just this week , undercover videos have been aired and have brought such damming revelation against the ACORN staff that congress has voted to completely cut off all funding . This latest revelation concerning this conspiracy is an eye - opener and because the Lord answered my request and showed me this , I know that He desires that YOU see it too - that you not be deceived . He wants you to see what took place behind closed doors in the executive board room . He wants you to understand the conspiracy - that it is NOT a " conspiracy theory " - but an actual conspiracy to control and ultimately destroy the soul of this nation . This conspiracy has seen fulfillment and will continue . I truly believe that we have only seen the tip of the iceberg . I truly believe that the Lord is using this president and this administration to bring his rod of judgment on this nation . Much more is on the horizon . God 's people in America for too long have either been asleep or apathetic . God 's people must awaken and raise their voices of repentance for themselves and this nation unto God ! God is SO FAITHFUL . He led me by HIS SPIRIT to ask for correction and revelation that I may have missed concerning the things He has shown me , and then He immediately answered - causing me to see that I had earlier written that the use of the electric knife might possibly represent the brutality that could occur in the fulfillment of my " race war " dream . In that statement I reminded the reader that prophets " see in part " - that I did not know for certain that this was the symbolism . As He revealed this to me today , I saw that I needed to remove that statement and add this revelation . And , as I 've already shared , with this revelation came even more . In all of this I learned the importance of including ALL of what God shows or says whether I understand it or can explain it to the reader . For this I had to repent . I 'm so thankful that He helped me " get it right " . I 'm so thankful that He is patient with me and long suffering in me learning to not omit anything HE says or shows me regardless if I understand it or not . I 'm so thankful that though His righteous judgment is coming upon this nation , it comes because of His great love and to draw HIS PEOPLE back to Himself . America has for too long played the harlot , and just as He did with Israel when they were guilty of turning their back on Him and running after another to fulfill the lusts of their flesh , He will do the same with this nation . May we , HIS PEOPLE , recognize His Hand of judgment , and with all of our hearts , humble ourselves before a Holy God and repent for our spiritual idolatry . Then , and only then , will He hear from heaven , forgive our sin and heal our land . But , if we continue to fail to recognize His hand of judgment and we continue to fail to repent , His Word tells us that more severe judgment will come . If God would so design that I would see all of this in a prophetic dream 6 years ( 6 is the number for sin and for man ) before it happened , that in the dream I saw great political conspiracy to deceive the people of our nation and do whatever it took to have their candidate elected , and the mayhem that it caused , then I know that He desires that you understand and not be deceived . If you are reading this , it is not coincidence , but the providence of Almighty God . Lay aside your prejudice , your own dreams and desires , your man - made traditions that make the word of God of no effect ( Mark 7 : 6 - 13 ) , and be willing to listen to what the Spirit of the Lord is saying to His people in this hour . Right now , it is still not too late to repent and follow the leadership of the Lord . Be sure and know that He will hold each of us accountable of whether we listened to His Spirit or if we stiffen our necks and turned our backs toward Him . His prophets are blowing the shofars of warnings . Though you may not understand what you are hearing , are you willing to do as Israel did when surrounded by their enemies and they heard a word from God through His prophet that didn 't make rational sense ? Will you believe in the Lord and be established ? Will you believe His prophets and prosper ? ( 2 Chron . 20 : 20 ) Will you stand still - stand firm in your FAITH and the Word of God - not bowing to your own understanding , the lust of your flesh , to fear , or to the threats of the enemy ? Will you stand still and see the salvation of God ? In light of the following information posted by Mike Evans of Jerusalem Prayer Team concerning a stealth meeting held at the White House concerning the dividing up of Israel , I find it very troubling that it took place on the same day that the Lord gave me a prophetic dream nine years ago , 07 . 11 . 2002 Political Conspiracy in America , to put a black man , a Manchurian candidate , in the White House . That prophetic dream of 07 / 11 / 2002 was fulfilled six ( 6 represents sin / man ) years later in the November 2008 presidential election . Nine ( the number that represents the fruit of the spirit ) years to the day after the dream revealing this , 07 / 11 / 2011 , this Manchurian president rallied the enemies of Israel together in a media - banned summit at the White House to plot their course against Israel and against Almighty God . ( revealing the fruit of an evil spirit ) I could not help but notice that the meeting was referred to as " stealth " considering that the meeting I saw in my dream was also " stealth " . Please take time to click on the links above and read Mike Evans newsletter , and I encourage you , if you have not read the above , to read my dream from 2002 . But most of all , I ask you to pray . Fall on your face before our Holy God and repent for the sin of this nation and its leaders , both past and current . Pray for God 's mercy on the U . S . and on Israel . Pray for the peace of Jerusalem - the city in which God placed His Holy Name . At the time of the dream I had not witnessed in other presidential administrations the sheer mafia - style government that the Obama administration has proven itself to be - a bullying , strong - arming , lawless ( defying the constitutional laws of our country ) , that allies itself with our nations enemies ( such as the Muslim Brotherhood ) , with secretive policies that harm the average citizen and the nation at large , and pathological lying to push their agenda or cover up their evil deeds , to only name a few . The WND article reveals how this president and his administration has abused its power by using their " strong men " , the Department of Homeland Security and the Internal Revenue Service , to target those who do not agree with their agenda . They have labeled and targeted perfectly legal and non - violent groups such as the Tea Party , conservatives , and Christians , as right - wing extremists , and have put them , along with our military veterans , on the HLS terrorist watch list . As this article explains , " Operation Choke Point " is attempting to " scare local banks into closing the accounts of perfectly legal and legitimate businesses " - businesses " that have broken no laws or have been charged with no crimes " . The two strong men in my dream were not only very intimidating and threatening figures , they were the ones who carried out the destruction of America . According to the article , Operation Choke Point " emerged from Obama 's 2009 executive order addressing consumer fraud " . From his taking office in 2009 Obama has put into motion through " executive orders " what he would need further down the road - orders that had the appearance of protecting the American public but were stealth in their intent . Be sure to read the full article .

Announcement : Jif became Cif , Marathon became Snickers , Immac became Veet and now Fib Wednesday has become Fib Sunday . Come back for the close of the weekend , dear reader ! Don 't forget , or Minge might have to spank you on the bare bottom . And , yes , with a wet hand ! The 80s ARE coming back , dear reader ! Well , according to Q magazine , anyway . Isn 't this fabulous news ? By the way , I 'm selling the August issue on ebay . Check it out . As you may or may not know , Lorraine are supporting Pet Shop Boys this Summer for their live gigs . They ( Lorraine ) appear on the free CD given here with Q magazine . They sound rather splendid . This week , according to iTunes , I have mostly been listening to : Marc Almond - Like a prayerPet Shop Boys - Fugitive ( Richard X extended mix ) Machine Gun Fellatio - ( Let me be your ) dirty fucking whoreMorrissey - Come back to CamdenMatia Bazar - Messaggio d ' amoreTexas Lightning - No no neverRapination featuring Kym Mazelle - Love me the right wayBillie Ray Martin - Don 't believe a wordSinitta - I don 't believe in miracles ( Magical mix ) KMFDM * - Material girl * Killing Mother fucking Depeche Mode = KMFDM - and , as the delicious Fee tells me , it doesn 't actually stand for that . It 's German for ' no pity for the majority ' . Thanks , Fee ! You 're a doll ! I 've just come back from taking Meg and Mary out for their last trot of the day , as I usually do at this time of night . Nine times out of ten , I meet a man who lives somewhere around here and his wee mongrel , Jasper . The guy usually wants to chat to me at length and throw a stick for Meg and Mary . This evening , he began to tell me how he 'd started his Christmas shopping . I know . It 's June . He 's started his Christmas shopping . As incredulous as this was , and as desperate as I was to understand why anyone would start their Christmas shopping in June , all I wanted to do was get away . The man was not boring . He did not smell of fish . He didn 't moon at me . No , but I was being bitten to death by bloody midges ! I could feel them crawling all over my head . I could hear them buzzing in my ear . I was also aware that they were bloody well biting me ! Aaaggghhh ! Then , thank the Lord , it started to spit with rain . I made my excuses and left . I couldn 't get his Christmas shopping out of my head . La la la la la la la la . I 've not done any Christmas shopping yet , and don 't plan to , until at least October . When do you start your Christian pilgrimage to the shopping centres , dear reader ? The Christmas experience for children is so far removed from the adult experience . For adults , it 's a time of stress , money worries and bickering . For children , it 's full of charm , excitement and wonder . When I was a small boy , Christmas was always fabulous . It might have never snowed , but the delight of the season seemed to either mask my Parents ' constant rows or soothe them into getting along with one another for a short while . If they did fight , I didn 't notice . The morning always started with my dear Mother having to come and wake me because all my brothers and sisters were desperate to open their presents , and no - one was allowed to do so until we 'd all had breakfast and sat around the pile of gifts by the plastic tree in the living room . Most children would be up at the crack of dawn , desperate to see what Father Christmas had brought them . It would takeBrought to you by Looking for a new web celebrity ? Marjorie Rattsinger , secretary for Dare School , takes all her calls live for everyone to see . Call her , she 's wonderful ! Click here . It 's fabulous . It really is . If , when you get there , the office is closed , click on The best of Marjorie . It 's hilarious ! Are the 80s making a come back ? I just love this song . . . Rufus - 80s coming back : You thought you had it comingBut now you really really just don 't knowIt seems you make a deal far too big outta thisYou thought that you 'd done itYeah you thought that you had heard it allBut the state of things is putting you down now just becauseYou know they say it 's just the eighties coming backCan you feel it ? It 's the eighties coming backOh I know it 's just the eighties comingEighties coming eighties comingEighties coming eighties coming backYou said " Let 's do it " " Let 's take it out and dance all night " But those deep synthesizer sounds freak you outWo ! And now you wake up in the middle of the nightIn terror and all you do is cryCold sweat a cup of tea no nothing seems to help you through the nightMy god ! Now it feels just like the eighties coming backCan you feel it ? It 's the eighties coming backOh I know it 's just the eighties comingEighties coming eighties comingEighties coming eighties coming backYeah you thought you had it comingBut now it looks like you didn 't know shit * But everybody 's wearing their hair hair the way you did fifteen years agoAnd it makes you wanna cryRufus represented Estonia in the 2003 Eurovision Song Contest ( the best in many years ) . What did you love about the 80s . I loved everything , the vile political climate , the pop stars , the fashions . . . The 00s are relatively boring , in my humble opinion , dear reader . The world is full of boring people . It 's vile . These days ( just saying that makes me feel old - my Mum says it a lot ) - criminals are just thugs , not glamorous at all . Pop stars are shallow and all come off of a production line . They 're as thick as pig shit . Record companies are scared that if they show any level of intelligence , it will ruin their careers . Where is all the originality and fabulousness ? Sure , in the 80s , we all followed fahion trends ( some of which , I hope , will never be repeated ) , but everyone had a sense of originality . Every youth looks the same these days ! They all wear the same clotheBrought to you by These boots are made for walking , and that 's just what they 'll do . One of these days these boots are gonna * walk all over you . Gimme * , gimme cha cha heels ! Kinky boots vs cha cha heels . . . In a fight to the death . Who 'd come out the winner , dear reader ? I hate using words like gonna and gimme but feel I have to under the circumstances . Going to and give me would be my preferred option . Big Brother 's getting a bit dull . . . The housemates start to bicker . Just when I think a huge ding - dog is going to kick off , they get all chummy again . Gggrrr ! " Wankers ! " as Pete would say . I wish I could get a message into the house . Or have some influence on the housemates . If I was Big Brother , I 'd give Pete a rubber sheet and a bottle of baby oil and tell him that the housemates ' shopping budget will be doubled if he manages to get Richard to take part in a naked wrestling match with him . The outcome could be delicious . It would be the talk of the town ! The word on the street is that Pete is a very big boy . This evening , on Big Brother 's Big Mouth , Russell Brand revealed that Pete has eleven massive inches ! I don 't doubt why he 's so popular ! Oh dear reader , don 't think of this as a task , think of it as you sharing the blogging love . . . Take part if you want to , don 't if you don 't want to ( you miserable sod ) . Take a look at the right hand side of your wee screen , here . See where it says outrageous et fabulous blogs und links ? The first twenty - two items are blogs that I read every day . Wouldn 't it be fabulous to pop over and leave a comment on each and every one of them ? Go on , share the love . You know you want to . Shall we have a Fib Wednesday , dear reader ? Shall we ? If you 're unfamiliar with Haiku Saturday , check this out . Fib Wednesday will run along similar lines . 1 ) I will supply a topic . 2 ) Your reply to the topic is in the form of a Fib in the comment section . 3 ) You then supply the next topic . 4 ) Next visitor replies with a Fib on next topic and then provides a new topic and so on . . . A Fib is a six line , twenty syllable poem with a syllable count by line of 1 / 1 / 2 / 3 / 5 / 8 . The only restriction on a Fib is that the syllable count follow the Fibonacci sequence . An example of a classic fib : OneSmall , Precise , Poetic , Spiraling mixture : Math plus poetry yields the Fib . So , we begin : Knife , ForkAnd spoon - Tablecloth ; Could it be the foodOr the sun that makes a picnic ? Next topic : Winter . Thanks to the ever fabulous Alan , I decided to take an ink blot test . Have a wee look at Psyche on his blog to see his results . Mine were : Your Unconscious Mind Is Most Driven by Imagination . You have a deep desire to use ideas to change the world around you . This drive influences you far more than you may realise on a conscious level . You love to brainstorm and imagine new possibilities . The world is a fuller , richer place because you can contribute new ideas to any experience . Your natural curiosity inspires those around you and encourages them to come up with ideas they wouldn 't have discovered without your help . Your psyche is very rich ; the more you learn about it , the more you will understand who you really are . . . Lordy ! This is very true : You love to brainstorm and imagine new possibilities . What could you see in the ink blot above , dear reader ? I saw two dogs , gossiping at a dance . Perhaps not dogs , but some alien creature with the head of a dog . Nice , gentle creatures , something out of Star Wars . Sadly , that wasn 't an option in the test . Our house , a council house , was on the north end of the town . Behind us , there was a service road , used by the bin - men to take our crap away or for residents to park their cars in their garages . We called it the alley . My Protestant friends and I would play in it , running up and down it or riding our bikes along it , up and down the hill . Mum said I should go no further than the flats . If I couldn 't see the house , I 'd gone too far . The Catholic children weren 't allowed to play with us . We weren 't stopped from playing with them , but they weren 't to play with us . At the front of our house was the common . It had a name , Turbary Common , but only people who didn 't live along Turbary Park Avenue called It Turbary Common . They didn 't belong to it . It wasn 't their common . If you lived in Turbary Park Avenue , you were special and had certain privileges , like calling it the common and not Turbary Common . My brother , Mark ; Rexy , our dog and I spent most of the daylight hours there in the Summers of 1976 and 1977 . In 1978 , Mark got too old to play with me . Instead , he sat in his room with his friends , listening to seven inch records and playing cards . I say his bedroom , but it was in fact our bedroom . We shared sleeping quarters from 1978 until 1981 when our sister Christine got married . I then got to have my own room . It was small and cold . Although it was mine and no - one else 's and I didn 't have to put up with my brother 's restless sleeping , farting and other annoying habits , I missed him and I missed my room . From our room , I could see my beloved common ; the grass , trees , shrubs , the bicycle track and wood . Memories would flood into my mind as soon as my eyes were cast in front of me from the window . From my room , I could see the airport , the rooves of houses in the roads behind us and the bloody school . Thoughts of school upset me . I 'd rather be looking out from the front of the house . Our room was better . My room was shit . When I left our room , Mark covered the walls with posters from pop magazines and his own sketches . He was putBrought to you by I just took the Machiavelli test . My results : The Machiavelli personality test has a range of 0 - 100 Your Machiavelli score is : 73 You are a high Mach , you endorse Machiavelli 's opinions . Most people fall somewhere in the middle , but there 's a significant minority at either extreme . Perhaps I should have kept that to myself . Brought to you by I want this ! I 'd never have to leave my bedroom ! It 's Aye TV ! Actually , it 's Eye TV , but I think the former is much better than the latter . Don 't you , dear reader ? We went out for a nosh up last night , to a place called Juniper Lea , in order to celebrate Ian 's Aunty Juny 's birthday . We were accompanied by Ian 's Father . Note my absence from la table . I took the above picture . Ian 's Father is a strange one . To say he lacks tact would be the under - statement of the century . He 's the most inconsiderate man I 've ever known , he 's rude and thoughtless . Sometimes , I think he actually hates me - and then he 'll go and give me a hug . I just can 't work some people out . So I don 't bother trying any more . We had a nice meal , a huge portion - and everything counts in large amounts . I do love a large portion . How I managed to eat all the dessert , I 'll never know . It was my favourite part . I do love a nice creamy finish . This is a view of the sky , taken the night before last at around 21 : 45 , as seen from my bedroom window , dear reader . Simply glorious . If I were a religious person , I 'd say how wonderful God 's creation is . But I 'm not . So I won 't . God ? Life is a mystery . Everyone must stand alone , sweetie . Boy George is due back in court . He 's going to find out how he 's going to be punished . . . Click here . J K Rowling is being tight lipped about how the Harry Potter series comes to a close . Click here . Nicole Kidman , the idiot , got married again . Will she never learn ? Click here . Click here for a larger view . If you still can 't see the image . . . Image 1 : Morning Nancy ! What are you doing there ? Image 2 : " Sob . " My goldfish died ! So I 'm burying it . Image 3 : Ha ha , you silly girl ! That hole is far too big for a goldfish ! Image 4 : That 's because he 's inside your fucking cat ! I know it 's not very sexy , very hip or trendy , but I just love my pyjamas ! I 've slept in the buff for about twenty years . I loved my pyjamas when I was a very young boy , but when those teen years came around , I started to rebel . I hated the way I 'd wake up in the night with my pyjamas twisted all about me . So , one day , I just took them off . Liberation ! Hang on , if I was so liberated , why did I hide my naked shoulders under the covers when Mum came in the room ? A pyjama free night was a good night , in my humble opinion . A good night 's sleep was a naked night , that is , up until October last year . On going into hospital for my laparoscopic fundoplication , I decided pyjamas were in order . I didn 't want nurses and other patients seeing a naked Minge ! So , off to the shops I skipped and bought myself some fabulous Ted Baker pyjamas . Grey ones . Almost brushed cotton . Like a t - shirt . I had a duvet cover like them once . The manufacturers claimed it was Jersey material - though it was nothing like a jumper . . . Anyway . I took the pyjamas with me into hospital . In the absence of my blanky and sicky clothes , my pyjamas became a real comfort . I felt warm , safe and secure . I 've never been out of them since I came home . I wash them , dry them and I 'm wearing them again the next night . Summer 's here . I should be sweating through the night . But I 'm not . I refuse to sweat . I can 't be without my pyjamas . I haven 't had my blanky or sicky clothes out for an age ! What 's wrong with me ? If I 'm feeling down , ill or only mildly under - the - weather , I 'm usually found with my sicky clothes on and my blanky wrapped around my shoulders . My sicky clothes are a pair of Boy London weight - lifting pants / trousers and a grey sweat top ( with a small mark from a gold marker pen ) which is far too big for me , along with a pair of black slipper - socks . My blanky is a blanket which I crocheted about three years ago in shades of blue . Lots of stripes ! I feel so much better with my pyjamas on , or wearing my sicky clothes with my blanky around me . Why is that ? They 're better Brought to you by I sometimes watch Food Uncut on UK TV Food . Guess what their master class was today ? How to make a blog ! Yes ! I couldn 't believe it . You can check out their example by clicking here . It 's fabulous . I wrote this nonsense when I was drunk , years ago when I still lived in Bournemouth , perhaps 1989 or 1990 . I just found it in a scrap book which I 'm about to parcel up , having sold it on ebay . You 'll find me , if you lookIn a corner , brooding , yes . If you shut your eyesYou 'll know who I 'm fooling , yes . If you plug your earsYou 'll hear my whispered words , yes . In the back of your headFlying ' round your mind like birds , yes . Don 't say anything to meI 'll know what you bloody mean , yes . Your shower scene was visciousAnd the lament : keen , yes . Now taste the liquidsStreaming from my body , yes . A flithy gush of bileTo show what we 've become , yes . Just thought I 'd share . I think I was having a Kate Bush moment . I used to confuse what was important with what was impressive . Brian wanted to know my coming out story . Every gay has one . Even if everybody knows the person in question is gay , there comes a time when that person has to say those immortal words , " I 'm gay . " I have to be the exception . During my coming out period , I never once told anyone I was gay . I 'll start at the beginning . The very beginning . One of my earliest memories of school is taking my Mum 's lipstick to Show And Tell . How many straight boys do you know who would do that ? Don 't know what Show And Tell is , dear reader ? Primary school . Monday mornings . Each child brings something to class and gets to talk about it for a short while . Tommy might bring his action man , Rachel might bring her doll and Johnny might bring his cowboy hat . I brought my Mother 's lipstick . It was a dusky pink colour . I loved it . I remember telling the other children in my class that I loved the smell and taste of it . My Mother would give me a kiss goodbye when she went out for the evening , the smell and taste would linger , making me feel warm inside . It made missing her not so tough . I had such a strong association between that lipstick and my Mum . We were never apart when I was very young , largely due to my illness , but that 's another story . School wasn 't so traumatic because essentially , it wasn 't a choice . I had to go . But Mum 's rare evenings out were a choice . I 'd get very upset when she went , especially if I was left alone with my Father . I was genuinely scared without her , but the taste of her lipstick on my mouth gave me the notion that she was coming back . I must have taken a million things to Show And Tell , but I only remember the lipstick . I do remember , though , that I never once took a cowboy hat or an action man . An even earlier memory is of my sisters dressing me up as a girl . I never objected . In fact , I quite liked it . I had the cancer wig , Lorraine 's baby - doll nighty , Christine 's patent leather shoes and either a hand - bag or a red toy dog . It had a zip on it 's belly into which Lorraine would insert her night - wear on a daily basis . My Minge I 've just been looking through some random blogs . I found something which I thought was quite interesting , so pinched it . I 'd give the original author a link , here , but I closed the damned window and now can 't find it ! Anyway . . . We 're all used to bigging ourselves up these days , the glass is half full , not half empty and all that . Time to switch . Five negative words which describe me : VindictiveSpitefulFoul - mouthed ( is that one word ? ) LazyGreedySo , there we have it . Can you think of five negative words to describe yourself , dear reader ? It 's not even dark outside yet , and it 's presently 23 : 50 . It was the longest day yesterday , so the nights will be drawing in , now . I can 't believe the year is more than half over . Where does all the time go ? I love the Summer , but the only down side is that for two or three weeks at this time of year , it doesn 't actually get pitch black at night . The globe of the sun will disappear behind the horizon , but she still leaves a glimmer behind . Before you know it , she 's back in the sky again . Have you ever tried going to sleep , dear reader , when it 's not dark ? It 's not easy . I shouldn 't complain though . I 'd rather have it this way . In the depths of Winter , the sun doesn 't come up until about 09 : 00 . By 14 : 30 , the lights have to go on again . Not fun . I think I 'd like to live on the equator . There are no wild seasonal variations there . The horrid down - side to that is , though , that there 's all of nature 's experiments - gone - wrong to contend with . Deadly insects , massive spiders , hurricanes . . . We have none of that here in bonnie Scotland , thank the Lord . It would be nice to have the weather , though . How fabulous would it be to not have to own a coat ? I have lots of coats . I could give them all away to charity . I 'd keep one . Just the one . For sentimental reasons . I could look at it and remember the days when I used to have to wear a coat . I could get rid of all my hats , too . Oh , perhaps not . My lack of hair means the top of my head can get burned . I 'd need to keep a sun hat . Of course , climate change couldBrought to you by I 'm an avid fan of Big Brother on Channel 4 . I love it . What I don 't love , though , is the lack of bust - ups in this years shenanigans . I keep waiting for it all to kick off , but it doesn 't ! Big Brother gives the housemates booze , antagonizes them and continually throws spanners in the works , but does this provoke them into a huge ding - dong ? Does it hell ! ? ! ? What 's wrong with them ? So , in the absence of a massive barny on the television , can we have one here , dear reader ? Go on , you know you want to . Call me a bitch , a dirty pig or a catty queen . I 'll respond . Someone else can have a dig and we can all call each other f * * king c * * ts ! Come on ! 1 Kylie Minogue is to begin the Australian leg of her Showgirl tour which she postponed over a year ago after she was diagnosed with breast cancer . 2 Reese Witherspoon is not pregnant . I pity any child she ejects from her nether regions . 3 I didn 't wake up wanting a fag . 4 I took the dogs for a quick walk this morning . A car drove past as I was crossing the road into the wood . Psychological by Pet Shop Boys was pumping out of the car 's stereo . Could another fan live around here ? 5 Saddam Hussein has gone on hunger strike . 1 The eighteen month old girl next door climbed up my fence and promptly fell off , from the top ( it 's about two metres high from her side ) . Where was the Mother ? Inside , watching television . The Mother came running out to the sound of the child 's screams , only to shout and swear at it , telling it off for climbing up the fence . Why wasn 't she watching her child ? 2 It seems we ( in the UK ) are definitely going to replace Trident . Click here to see the news item . Wouldn 't that money be better spent on other things ? 3 Insurers have withdrawn the cover on their virginity taken out by three sisters in the event of the second coming of Christ . Apparently the Catholic church complained . 4 The debate over the Blu - ray / HD DVD formats goes on . Why go through all this ? It 'll be just like Betamax and VHS . Half the population will have obsolete equipment within two years . All that wasted money . . . 5 Mary refused to eat her breakfast . This is Ian with his dear Mum . I 'm not sure how old he is , but he looks about three or four . It was taken on the boating lake in Moffat .