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7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

7 : 48pm , I was heading towards the pharmacy aisle in the Supermarket when my phone rang . It was Mum 's Care Home . I 'd already had a couple of updates on Mum 's condition since Mum was discharged from Hospital , so I wasn 't overly alarmed . I felt numb and very , very calm , as is my custom in a crisis . It 's a practical trait but I always feel self - conscious about how cold it might appear to others . I told ' H ' that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts . I told her that I was very sorry , since she was obviously so upset . I asked her what she thought I should do . She told me to wait and that she would ring again when they had news , maybe in 10 minutes . I walked home and then rang the Care Home to tell them that I was going to drive over . ' H ' told me that the Paramedics had ceased their attempts to resuscitate Mum . I asked her what the procedure was now and she explained that the Police would have to be called , since this was classed as a sudden unexplained death . Then the Undertakers would take Mum to the Hospital . ' H ' sat me down and warned me that I would find Mum still intubated ( as an avid viewer of hospital dramas , I had anticipated this ) . Once I was ready , we entered Mum 's bedroom . The radio on her bedside table was tuned to Classic FM , and they were playing the Adagietto from Mahler 's 5th Symphony , the piece used for the movie " Death in Venice " . I thought the radio was a lovely gesture . Mum was there in bed , sort of . I find I 'm having trouble these days recognising faces , and Mum 's face looked smaller and most unfamiliar . She looked like a bit like a waxwork , but with an unconvincing blue / grey pallor . As I reached the end of the bed , I thought she 'd opened an eye at me and was conscious , but it was just that one of her eyelids was slightly open , and my change of angle had made this look like it had just happened . Once alone , I sat closer to Mum and tried to talk to her . I stumbled over a few clichés about hoping that she was at peace now , and so on . Then I wanted to feel whether she was cold and I placed a hand on her forehead . The top of her head didn 't feel cold , but maybe the forehead was slightly colder than it ought to be … I wasn 't sure . I took some photos of Mum lying there . It felt horribly wrong , but I knew I wasn 't quite " in the moment " and that I would need to see her again to absorb this . Then I pulled back the cover slightly and reached for her right hand and took it in mine , manipulating her fingers so that we were clasping each other 's hands . I don 't recall what I said then , but it felt more honest and meaningful . I put her hand back just as ' H ' returned to tell me that the Undertakers had arrived . She tactfully suggested that I leave them to their work , and I guessed that Mum might have voided her bowels or something in the hours since death and that ' H ' was kindly trying to preserve my last memory of her . I went back to the Lounge and answered the Police Officer 's questions . Before long , the Undertakers were wheeling their trolley back through the Lounge with Mum in a body bag . I could make out the place where the material was tight over Mum 's nose - a surreal moment trying to determine the contours of my Mother 's face through polyester . Then she was gone . I am in shock , I think . I am still feeling very calm and I 've been able to say some very rational things to the people here about how it 's comforting to know that Mum died quickly " at home " and without suffering a long - drawn out death in Hospital . I know she was glad to be back in familiar surroundings and that she died sitting in the chair by her window , where she always told me that she enjoyed listening to the birds outside . I just wish I 'd been perceptive enough to see this coming , that I 'd consciously said my goodbyes to Mum whilst she was alive , if that makes any sense . Perhaps I 'm calm because I 've already done my grieving for Mum . Over the past 3 years I 've come to terms with her loss because her Self , her deliberate Self , the Mother I knew , was already gone . I took guardianship of the helpless , happy , loving , child who took her place for a time . And doing that forced me to grow up a little . It forced me to give something back . It helped me adjust my opinion of myself just a little bit to the positive . I did some good things for Mum and gave her peace of mind and security and care when she needed it . And that gives me some peace of mind , too . I know I 'm going to be reading this post over and over for the next few days . It touches me so deeply for oh so many reasons . I shall be thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort through this final journey . Take good care of yourself Greg , you were / are a good son x So , so difficult , Greg . I am so sincerely sorry . I can relate to a great deal of this , as it immediately took me back to being with my grandfather , my favorite person , when he died . I wish I had your number or could drive myself to your place right this second . Best I don 't and can 't , I 'm sure , but I wish I could . You 've grieved for a long time - clearly . And you did a great deal of good for her . That is also clear . Take comfort , my friend . Lots of love to you . Thank you , both . I do , indeed , take comfort that I made a lot of good decisions for Mum and provided what she needed for the last few years of her happy life . I think I 've said all I can within the post here ( for once ) , but I 'm grateful for your messages . Thank you for being with me on the journey . It has meant a lot to me to have your support and insight . G x Hi Greg , I will also be reading this post over & over again . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I could call you up or hug you too . I 'm crying for you , with my infant son sleeping beside me . You wouldn 't believe how hard I 'm crying for you . I feel like I know you since I 've been on this journey with you . Your posting took me back to the day that my mom passed and how I went to her and sat with her in her room and watched her be wheeled out later by the undertakers . Keep strong over the next while . . . it 's going to be hard , even though you 've been grieving for years . It will hit you very hard now & then . Know that you did your very best over the years and that your mom is at rest now , free from the horrible and cruel disease . Greg I have been calling almost every day to see how Mum is but I missed Monday . I am so sorry for your loss . She was blessed to have you care so much for her particularly in the last three years . What would those three years have been like without you watching out for her . Just take it slowly now and keep sharing your stories . They really do help others . Warm wishes Greg xx Greg , I echo the words of those before me . I have followed your blog via Trish and have always been touched by your loving care of your dear mum . My prayers and thoughts are with you now and over the next few weeks . HugsSheialgh GregI am so , so sorry for your loss . I don 't know what to say as I am sitting here crying for you . I have followed your journey for a few years now & have always been touched by how much you loved her & by how lovingly you cared for her . You have been a great son to her . Your stories have reached my heart & moved me to tears . Keep strong & may peaces be with you . HugsPablo Oh , Greg . I 've been away from most of my old blog friends for so long , and just started catching up the other day . I am so sorry to hear of your loss . It 's true , you have done a lot of grieving for so long , and it 's also true that you were a strong and loving force in the last years . You are in my thoughts and I send strength and hugs your way . Friends , thank you ALL for being with me on my journey - your company meant a lot to me , whether you were offering suggestions or sympathy , support or a simple " been there " . It always meant that I wasn 't alone in the situation , and that made even the worst of this journey tolerable . Please don 't cry - Mum went painlessly and quickly in the best of circumstances , back home in familiar surroundings . I couldn 't have asked for a better end for her . Greg , I just wanted to let you know that I 'm thinking of you . Yes , all the way over here in Canada , you 're on someone 's mind . I 've read this entry again this evening as I feel like I was in shock when I read it the other day . I wish I had taken photos of my mom when she passed . I know it might have felt horribly wrong but in some cultures , they take pictures at wakes ( my dad had pictures of his own mother at her wake ) . I also really " get " what you mean about your mom having the best possible ending . I always horrified myself by imagining really bad endings for my mom . . . I 'm good at self - torture . Like you mum , my mom had the best possible ending too , in familiar surroundings at her nursing home . She also left gracefully , quickly and quietly which is a true blessing . I hope you are doing ok . I 'm guessing you 've contacted your sister ? I hope her visit home goes alright . Hugs , citygirl Ah , CityMom . . . thank you . I hope you know how much I appreciated and was helped by what you had to say about your own journey with your Mom . Oh God , should I tell you about my Sister ? . . . . I tried to call her overseas as soon as I had the news but there was no answer . A day later I discovered by chance that they were visiting here in the UK and hadn 't told anyone that they 'd be here . So I called their UK mobile phone number and my Brother - in - Law eventually picked up . I said that I wanted to be the one to tell my Sister some very sad news about Mum , but I could hear my Sister in the background saying " I don 't WANT TO " . She hasn 't spoken to me or to my Mum in 6 years and it seems that even our Mother 's death doesn 't change anything . In the early days , I was hurt that I wasn 't getting even her emotional support in caring for Mum , then I spent a long time frightened for her ( thinking that she 'd feel awfully guilty if she didn 't reconcile with Mum in the time left ) . Now I just feel sickened and at the limit of my patience . Families , huh ? Greg for you own sanity just leave it . If she cannot feel then you can 't make her . She will have to live with this and you cannot be responsible for that . You have tried to make contact and " do the right thing " that is all you can do . Just relax in the knowledge that Mum had the one who was in a place to be able to care for her and she had the most loving care from you that was possible . Your sister may think she has left it too late to change her thoughts but believe me one day she will . We are all different - hope you are doing ok on this next chapter Greg and it is you who have given so much in your blog by your honesty and your ability to verbalise your emotions like I have never seen before . I hope you will continue xx Wow Greg . . . families indeed . . . that is awful that your sister wouldn 't take the phone . I cannot believe someone can be like that . I 'm sorry . I wish I could do something for you . Some families are impossible as I know all too well . I hope you are doing ok - just take care of your mom 's affairs and yourself . That is the last straw for your sister . Greg : My heart goes out to you . I just read your blog after missing several months . My mom died Aug 14 . I 've posted here as anonymous over the past several years . ( eg . . . . the shrinking window in the wall ) Your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me while caring for my mom . It helped knowing someone else would understand the weird and sometimes frightening circumstances that come up . She too had vascular dementia . Her passage took 9 years . They say her death was peaceful , but it didn 't feel that way to me . I was there and it was wrenching . Hospice helped her avoid the hospital . The hospice people were earth angels . Our experiences have echoed each other though we live on different sides of the globe . Thanks for the support your blog has given everyone going through this . I have no sibs . My partner is very supportive . . . but it wasn 't his mom . Your efforts have given much more than you realize . thank you . PT Dear PTI 'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom this year . I remember your comments and that I found them helpful and inspiring . I feel both humble and grateful that you found some comfort having me along for the journey , too . Hopefully we can both look to the future now , knowing that we did what we could for our Mothers . I 'm glad you have a supportive partner with you . I want to thank everyone again for their comments and support over the past few years . I 'm not going to linger here too much . There are photos of Mum alive that I took only weeks ago when I had no idea that she was about to die , and it 's too hard to look at them just now . G Gerg , So sorry to hear about your mom ! Just remember she was so proud of you and you shouldn 't worry about your sister . . . sounds like a complete cow actually . How are you nieces taking it ? Are they like your sister ? Stay strong xxx Thank you , Anonymous : ) I 'm able to remind myself that I stepped up and took responsibility when I was needed , and that I took some decisions which ensured Mum was well cared for , safe and happy . She expressed her gratitude to me every time I saw her . It was scary to take charge , and a steep learning curve for me , but what seemed overwhelming at first became second - nature very soon . In many ways , Mum 's dependence was the making of me - it forced me to grow up in a way that I hadn 't before . As for my Sister , she has her own problems , pretty obviously , so I don 't want to dump on her . This is one of those situations where you cannot go backward and make amends and I fear for her in the future if she develops a conscience about what happened here . Similarly , though I have been lobbying to see her for the past few years , sending her personal and family items that I have unearthed , much of my hope and desire to restore things has left me now . In fact , I would find seeing her quite troubling at the moment . My Nieces are absolutely wonderfully sweet - natured and I really wish I saw more of them . The older one attended Mum 's funeral with me and was very supportive . Thank you for your thoughts I am so sorry . Take care . God Bless . I will have to go through this someday and I hope I can with such grace as you . Thank you for helping me . Greg , I 'm only a recent convert to your writings , and a newcomer to this thoughtfully - told tale . Let me offer belated , but heartfelt , condolence . Condolence not just for your mother 's death , but for the many other bereavements , large and small , that occurred over the years . There must have been times when you felt loss piled upon loss , griefs of every kind in constant succession . You wrote of your mother 's previous emotional distance , and how you simply would not allow the memory of it to derail you on this journey . Before he died , I confronted the same with my father - - from whom I copped a truckload of physical and emotional abuse - - and like you , found that the experience made an adult of me . No , scratch that . It made a man of me . My partner and I recently saw a retrospective of the Japanese photographer Nobuyoshi Araki , which included the famous sequence of photographs in which he meticulously documented his wife 's death from cancer thirty years ago . The images were brutal . But somehow , in acknowledging the brutality of death , utterly respectful . I am sure that no matter how ghoulish you may have felt photographing your mother at your last visit , it was a necessary act . We need to remember what the truth actually looks like , do we not ? THH Thank you , THH . As a former resident of Munich ( and , indeed , Tokyo ) with many fond memories , I have been very interested to read your blog for some time now . Today I find I 'm a lot less confident writing on this subject , so forgive me if I keep this short . I am pleased to find another topic we have in common and I am interested to read that you similarly felt you grew as a Man in dealing with your Father 's decline . I 'm sure you found that all the rules change when a relative succumbs to dementia and that there is no point in holding grudges , because the person with whom you 've struggled is gone . It is a bewildering process and I 'm glad I recorded it all as it happened . Most of these entries are just like those photographs I took at the end : I look back at them now to confirm that these events really took place . At times I worried about being disrespectful to my Mother by revealing too much , but those snapshots I was most challenged by ended up being those I 'm proudest of , and they usually got the strongest response from others . I didn 't feel able to pursue my dreams whilst my Mother was so dependent . Once her estate is settled I have no more excuses and I hope to settle my affairs here be on the road again . I 'll give you guys a shout if I 'm passing through Munich . Greg Thanks , Chris . I think you may be the first person to comment who actually knew Mum . Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words . I 've been pleased over the years that others have recognised and shared their own experiences . I 'm sure the ' convincing ' aspect comes from writing it all down as it happened . The uncertainty on my part is always a given . It was lovely to see you and your Mother again recentlyBest WishesGreg Dear GregI don 't know whether you ever revisit these pages . I came back to my own and in doing so , re - found you - and found also that your Mum had died so unexpectedly , heart - wrenchingly suddenly . After all that time , then - no time . No time at all . I 'm so sorry . I love the photo of your Mum and you as a little boy . Her eyes so full of joy , and how that resonates because I was lucky enough to see the same in my own mother 's eyes , and I hope that 's what my own two sons see in mine . I remember too , how you took your Mum to the make up department in a store to while away a happy hour or so of cosseting . How thoughtful you were , how caring . I hope your life has pieced itself together . I hope you are happy . We can never be the same again , I know , but perhaps we can keep the light still , somewhere , that light of having loved someone so much . I lost Mum too , last year . Not sure yet , if , I can write about it but I wouldn 't have changed looking after her for the world . Take care Greg . Tx Dear AnonymousThank you for commenting . Anything posted here is automatically forwarded to me by email . I do , occasionally , revisit in order to remind myself of the detail . I 've been writing and performing poems about Mum and her illness , and my evolving awareness of what was needed of me . I 've got 30 completed now and at least as many in progress . I 've been very pleased by the strong response that these poems receive whenever I 've performed them and I hope one day to publish , at which point I 'll add a post here with information as to how to get hold of the book . It 's a little over 3 years now since Mum died . Sometimes it feels like longer , sometimes it feels extremely recent . I 'm very sorry to hear of your loss and I 'm grateful to hear from you . Like you , I am glad I had the opportunity to care for my Mum . It gave me a chance to thank her and to be the Son I often doubted I could be , a better person , I hope . I understand when you say that you 're not sure about writing about your loss . I wrote this blog as a way of coping at the time , whilst also hoping that it would help others . Now , three years on , I find that a lot of the fine detail is missing from my memory and I 'm so glad I got it down before I forgot . Best wishesGreg x Oh Greg , so good of you to write & how lovely to hear back from you . Please do post about your poems . I would love to get a copy when you publish . It is the most extraordinary journey . I couldn 't sign in before - I had completely forgotten my password ! Tilly x

I live in a resort community on the eastern coast of Florida . It 's a great small town with gorgeous beaches and the beautiful blue waters of the Atlantic . Consequently , there 's loads of money here . Old money , new money , lots and lots and lots of money . There is also no money . Money and no money are quite literally divided by a set of train tracks here , the Florida East Coast Railway that runs parallel with US down the east coast of Florida . I work with no money , but I worship and play with money . I witness the great divide of the haves and have nots on a daily basis . Often , I am unsettled about the world I live in , compared to the world I work in . I try to take the feelings of shame of having what I need and most of what I want and counterbalance them with as much gratitude as I can offer up . So far , that 's the best solution I can come up with as I 've never felt God 's call to give it all up and move to a third world country . Generally , that does the trick , but when I pulled into a church parking lot last Friday evening at 5 o ' clock to prepare for a dinner Habitat was hosting there , and saw the pastor and his co - pastor wife getting into there very gorgeous white BMW , I couldn 't help but pause and question the situation . It 's the second time I 've seen it , too . My previous priest , drove a 2 door convertible Lexus coupe . I remember the first time I saw him driving up to a church picnic and thinking to myself , " ToTo we 're not in Kansas anymore " . Turns out that priest had a serious vanity problem . . . and an authenticity problem as it would later be revealed that he was involved in a 17 year relationship with a female priest who was not his wife . He is no longer a priest however , he is now driving that luxury automobile to the homeless shelter that he 's directing . I am in the process of finding a new church and was considering visiting the church I was at Friday evening . I 've been there before and liked it and was considering giving it another try , but honestly , now I 'm not so sure . I 've been burned once by an affluent priest . I know these ministers have worked for many years to be where they are financially , just like the CEO of the local bank . They have raised their children , likely paid off their mortgages and certainly have the disposable income to drive anything they like . So why do I struggle with them displaying their level of financial comfort ? I should insert a disclaimer here . I have a Saab . It is going on 6 years old , but having had newer ones , I will admit that I would probably be driving a newer one if I could afford it . Those with money don 't give THAT generously to Habitat though ! I like a luxury car just as much as the next guy , and generally feel that as long as you 're not over extending yourself for vanity sake , and you like it , then go for it . I really have no room to judge them though as I pull up to Habitat every day in a luxury brand and will fully admit to coveting those driving the new E - class Mercedes . Hello , have you seen them ? They 're gorgeous ! Anyway , I digress . I 'm wondering how YOU would feel if you pulled up to church and saw your preacher driving a Mercedes . Perhaps you have ? Is it wrong ? Is it fine ? Please , help me out with this one ! I could be missing a great church over this one ! One of my best friends , Melanie , went through a horrible divorce a few years ago . She found herself ready to forego the rest of her life , for the peace of the after life , one night and prayed as she went to sleep that night that God would take her on with Him while she slept . She was praying that she would die in the night . She no longer wanted to face her existence when she awoke the next morning . Upon her eyes opening that next morning , she was immediately devastated . She was so sure the night before , that she was going to meet her maker . . . that He would answer her prayer and take her on home with Him . As she opened her eyes and realized that He didn 't answer her prayer , she was overcome with heartbreak from an unanswered prayer . As she came to terms with the reality , she laid in her bed , sobbing . Over and over , in her head , she heard God speak to her four simple words , " Go Make The Coffee " . Problem . She didn 't want to go make the freaking coffee . She wanted to be dead . Eventually though , she got up and made her way to the coffee pot . There , she found a peace she had never felt before . So much peace , that it left a lasting impression , not only on her life , but also in mine . As I have faced my own depressions , I have thought , " go make the coffee " . just go do the next thing . I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT THAT GOD IS IN THE MINUTIA ! We don 't have to be on some lofty religious playing field to see and feel what He 's doing in our lives ! He 's in the little things ! ! Something is just not right . I don 't know what it is . The only way to describe it is that it seems like there is some imbalance between my head and my heart . It 's hard to explain , but it feels as if I 'm somehow missing the point . Like God is either trying to scream at me some truth that I just can 't seem to hear , or like He is taking the more subtle approach and letting me figure it out on my own . Either way , I do not even know what it is about . It 's affecting my writing which scares me the most , since I jumped on this crazy rollercoaster ride , thinking He at the controls . I feel like I 'm just missing the point . I don 't feel like I 've found my voice yet nor has a focus for what I 'm writing about still hasn 't seemed to float to the surface . Wordpress is becoming my mortal enemy . I have no idea why in the world I feel so compelled to use it , but I know that is the next step in the journey , however , after weeks of trying to figure it out , it still doesn 't click in my brain . Last week , I reset my password and now my dashboard is gone . Honestly , that feels more like the enemy 's attack than anything else , because now it is a hurdle I have no idea how to jump so I 'll likely put it off a few more weeks . He found my weak spot and went right for it . Am I not reading the write book ? Do I need to go to a conference ? What is it ? Church has been sucking so I haven 't been going . Leaving my church doesn 't seem like the right thing to do right now , so I guess I just need to find another way to get fed during my little sabatical . I try to feed myself by reading and watching sermons , hoping for some spark of understanding , but it feels like I 'm trying to light a candle over and over again and it just won 't ignite . Happy Valentine 's Day everyone ! Today , I 'm thrilled to be a part of a blogswap with several new and old friends of mine and I 'm excited to post a blog about a topic near and dear to my heart written by , new friend , Regina Verow . When you are done , head on over to www . danacreative . blogspot . com to see my blog for the day ! Hope your day is filled with love ! The assignment seems deceptively simple : Write about something you love . But that isn 't the real assignment . The assignment is in actuality : Write about something you love and don 't suck , because this is someone else 's blog you 're posting on , missy . So I have to admit off the bat , I 'm feeling a little intimated . But here it goes : I love music . I LOVE music . Music has been an integral part of my life for nearly forty years . I 've sung in choirs , choruses and glee clubs . I 've been in rock bands and folk groups . My high school years were marked by which musical I was rehearsing . I attend concerts and music festivals alone if I don 't have anyone to go with me . I 've played , with uneven success , piano and guitar . I write music although not as much as I want . I go to a church 40 miles away because their music is THAT much better . Music has the ability to immediately change my emotional state . I can feel apathetic , angry or depressed and the right song pulls me up out of the fog and points me back in the right direction . I have a theme song ( and you should too ! ) . One study shows that music activates the same pleasure centers in the brain as sex does . If that isn 't a reason to listen to music everyday then I don 't know what is . In middle school I called radio stations with fingers poised over the " record " button on my boom box hoping the DJ wouldn 't talk over the intro to my favorite song . I 've practiced my guitar until blisters prevented me from holding onto the strings . I 've traveled huge distances and willingly gave up large amounts of sleep to spend a few precious hours with my favorite bands . I 've used music to get through countless late - night college assignments . I 've sung to my newborn daughters in the middle of the night every song I knew just to get them to sleep . I 've sped down country roads on late summer nights with the windows down and the radio up . I 've cried over breakups not only because my heart was broken but because I also lost a man who could make a kick - ass mix tRegina Verow is a personal coach , workshop facilitator and author of the blog Creatively Conscious : Aware . Awake . Alive . You can find out more about Regina at www . reginaverow . com , on her Facebook Page , Creatively Conscious : Aware . Awake . Alive . or follow her on Twitter @ reginaverow . Posted by I 'm working on a few guest posting gigs so I haven 't been able to get much up on here this week , which stinks ! I 'm missing the two of you who actually read this drivel ! My need for immediate gratification would surely love your feedback on the stuff I 'm working on , but it must wait . Hopefully , we 'll all find it worth it . * I totally get that Valentine 's is overcommercialized and flat out stupid on many different levels . But is it really all that bad that we have one special day where we recognize and celebrate our relationships that bring so much joy and fulfillment to our lives ? It really doesn 't seem so horrible to me . One of the pervasive thoughts I 've had over the last few months that people just need to be heard . We , as humans , have an innate need to feel understood and that need is often satiated by having our thoughts and concerns heard . One of my perceived weaknesses is being diplomatic in difficult situations . I can often be too blunt and want to just cut to the chase , but I have recently been seeing how LISTENING can be quite the diplomatic tact and I am starting to really see how it is no coincidence that the word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT . In my work recently , I 've had several situations where someone came to me completely pissed off at a person or about a situation . Rather than participating in the conversation , I just listened and as they were winding down , the blather - er had come to one of two conclusions . Either it wasn 't such a big deal OR they suddenly grasped the root of the problem and felt like they could deal with it . The vent session enabled them to deal with the problem . They get to that conclusion by verbally drawing out all of their opinions and feelings . Once their thoughts or opinions are out there , the realization comes that it is really not such a big deal or suddenly they can see where the offender was coming from . So often we just need to vent , in order to process the situation . Through the processing , we evaluate the scope of the problem and whether or not it is really relevant and / or we diagnose the root of the problem . With that diagnosis , we can then attack at the root and solve the problem . ( Thanks for bearing with me this week as I commandeered the blog for my own purposes of documenting my experience with the half marathon this past weekend . Truly sorry to those of you who have been bored to tears by it ! This is the LAST post about it ! Pinky swear ! ) Since the race , people keep asking me how I did it . Looking back on it , it wasn 't that hard , but I 've learned over the years how to manipulate myself into doing things . The following are a few things I feel like I did right , which ultimately led to me being able to finish the race , with a faster time than I ever would have imagined ! ( 2 : 16 ) 1 - Do it with friends - Accountability was everything for me . The only thing that would get me out of the bed in at the butt crack of dawn , was knowing that someone was meeting me at the park for our runs . If someone else was investing themselves in the effort , I certainly didn 't want to find myself being the weakest link . 2 - Just sign up for a race - Whether it 's a local 5k or the Miami ING , paying the registration fee invests you in the journey . You have a commitment on the plate . Not only to your partner ( s ) in the process , but to justify the expense . 3 - Make it fun - I sent out an email to every girl I thought * might * be interested in joining me . We had a little get together on a weeknight where we poured a few glasses of wine , individually registered for the race , planned training schedules , and shared music from our running mixes . Additionally , we chose to make the entire event fun , by doing it in a fun city , making dinner reservations at a great restaurant and booking a nice hotel . Making it a little get away weekend , made it so much more fun ! A few weeks before the race , we all got together again at Happy Hour at a local restaurant and solidified our travel plans , reservations , and race day prep . 4 - Mix up your normal routes - variety is the spice of life ! Keep it interesting . Run with new people , talk while you do it , learn about what 's going on in their world . Socialize outside of the runs . The entire experience can deepen relationships , because you 're sharing a journey ! 5 - If you 're the least bit spiritually inclined , I would encourage you to use the time and experience to deepen your faith . There are going to be runs that SUCK . There are going to be days when you desperately don 't want to put on your shoes , when you doubt your ability to do it and your sanity . But incorporating prayer and relying on the strength of the One able to do all things , will intensify your faith . The morning of the ½ marathon , I had no intention of running the entire distance . My half assed plan was to run 3 miles , take a walk break , run 3 miles , rinse and repeat until it was over . But as the race began , I felt a strength like I 'd never experienced before and it came from the knowledge that while I hadn 't trained to complete 13 miles , 13 miles was nothing to the One who strengthens me . I decided to rely on that strength rather than my own , and finished the race without one single walk break , running through water stations gulping sips as best I could and finishing far faster than I 'd ever dreamed . It ultimately had very little to do with me . ( me with friends Emmee and Ashley as the race began ) She was filing my toe nails when she said the words , I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would hear applying to me . " You have runner 's feet " . Insert record scratch here . Whhhhaaatttt ? ? ? " I 'm sorry , what did you say ? " She repeated it , and since this was no typical pedicurist , she was perfectly clear in her delivery , and I had , in fact heard her correctly . " You run don 't you ? " she said . Looking around , realizing she really was directing her question at me , and too that , it actually did apply to me i fumbled for and found " uh , yeah , i guess , uh yeah , i do . " I 'm pretty sure the sun was shining inside my soul as I processed what she had just said . I literally felt my chest puffing out and my head becoming three times larger than it 's normal circumference . Four months into training for a half marathon there was there it was . Physical proof , that I can now add a healthy new hobby to my list that also includes cooking and eating , a lot . I am a runner . You see , for the first 10 or so years of adulthood , I was pretty lazy . I certainly considered myself lazy , and I even became pretty overweight at one point . Fortunately , by the grace of God II realized it pretty quickly and somehow managed to get it off . Regular exercise , however , wasn 't part of the equation . I began " jogging " when I moved down here five years ago . Inspired by such beautiful surroundings and with more time on my hands , I found that I did enjoy it . On occasion . But generally it was never more than 2 or 3 miles and never with any regularity or accountability . If I was feeling a little thick , i made time for a few runs and cut back on my food intake a little bit until I started to feel better about myself . A year ago or so though , when saying I never imagined myself actually doing a race , one of my friends challenged me just to sign up for a race . I heard her words ringing in my ears for months , " if you sign up for it , you will train for it " and eventually bit the bullet . Sure enough she was right . Apparently , I have a thing for that " go big or go home " mentality though , and I skipped right over local 5k 's or small 10k 's and went right for the big daddy Miami ING Half Marathon . After months of training , and anticipation , I completed the race and have lived to tell about it , so , in an effort to encourage others of you who have that same little desire niggling in the back of your brain about wanting to start running or completing a race , tomorrow i 'll bring you a fresh list of how I went from feeling like a fatty patty to runner 's feet in 5 steps or less ! To have it directly sent to to your email when it 's posted , click on the rss feed button to subscribe to my blog on the right hand side of the page ! I 'll show you how you , too , can be sportin ' a medal before you know it ! It 's now a couple days after my first half marathon and I 'm still trying to process the experience . From lining up in a sea of 21 , 000 people ( and tripping over one or two of them ) , to the pain in my left foot that continues to annoy me two days later , I am so thankful to say that it was one of the most profound experiences of my life . After 6 months of training , a shit ton of money spent on gu 's , shoes and a weekend in Miami , I 'm completely and utterly grateful that the experience actually ended up being meaningful . It made a lasting impact in several ways . When the race began , I thought , " only one / twenty - onethousandth of this is about me " . However , as the race started I soon realized it was all about me . As I was training and prepping for the race , people kept asking me what charity I was running for . My mom even asked me just the week before . My response : " me " . Surely that sounded selfish , but while I was running , somewhere around mile 5 , while feeling a little selfish about the whole thing as I 'm passing ( yes , i said it ) men pushing kids in wheel chairs and others on cancer fighting missions , it occurred to me that this selfish investment will ( hopefully ) make me a greater asset to my family and community around me . Several months ago , Perry Noble wrote a blog about paying the price for being a leader . While running this thing wasn 't about leadership for me , rather about personal development , I believe there is also value and honor in paying a price for growth . If you 're not willing to invest in yourself , why would anyone else be ? When I wrote the checks for Blogrocket and Tentblogger it was out of the same mindset , that any cost that gets you closer to the goal , is worth it . I want to be a writer . . . that takes time AND money . I want to be a better me . . . that takes time AND money . It takes money , to make money . A word of caution though . You have to be cautious that whatever activity it is that you choose to invest in , will truly have a long term impact . If you use this approach just to validate a desire saying , the money and time I am investing on this trip or hobby , will make me a better a person , you could very well be wasting the resources God has given you , if in fact it doesn 't take you out of your comfort zone . It is outside of our neat and tidy little boxes , that we grow . Where we change . Where we become the individuals God has called us to be , rather than the robot the world expects us to be . It is in those last two miles , where everything hurts and burns , when you 're leaning only on God and not on your own strength or ability , that you realize that without Him , you are nothing . That there is no way on His gorgeous green earth , that you could do this of your own accord , and that without pain there would be no reward . Ok , the ½ marathon I 've been training for is this Sunday . Am I ready ? Hell no . I 'm not exactly where I was hoping to be training wise . The holidays and a new ( old ) relationship threw a wrench into my training schedule , so I 'm trying to tell myself that it 's the journey not the destination that really matters . I 've learned a lot while doing this and most importantly I feel as though I 've shed an old skin . The old skin was the one I wore up until I turned 30 which coincided with my world collapsing and one that has taken me the better part of four years to strip off . It was cloaked in self doubt and worthlessness and disabled me from becoming the woman God intended me to be . While I 'm still not where I ultimately want to be , I 'm thankful that particular wardrobe no longer hangs in my closet . I now understand that anything worth doing is worth doing well , that immediate gratification is for weenies and that the sense of pride and accomplishment that goes along with completing a goal is worth the blisters , soreness and exhaustion that accompanies 5 a . m . runs . It doesn 't matter what my final time is , nor if I take a few walk breaks . What matters is that set out on a journey to train for and complete a half marathon 6 months ago , and in only a few short days from now , it will be history . What matters is all that God has shown me and given me ( some really amazing friendships ) and taught me during the process . It 's definitely been a journey , and I 'm still afraid of it , but I 'm grateful to know that it 's not been ability that has brought me this far , but simply God 's grace . It 's not my skill or talent that will get me through the race Sunday but a strength that far outweighs my own , that currently seems like the greatest gift of all ! A line in Jon Acuff 's blog yesterday really resonated with me . He was discussing the finer points of " making things happen " ahead of God 's time line when he said that he 'd jumped into a career move after praying about it for zero minutes . Whoa . How many times have I done the same thing ? What am I trying to make happen now without praying for one minute about ? Just yesterday , I spent a good couple of hours searching on the internet for immediate answers to one of those items . . . trying to make something happen . How much sweeter will it be though , when , after diligent prayer , I see God PROVIDE those answers without me lifting a finger ? For starters , I want to be focused in prayer on them , so for me , getting them out of my head and on to virtual paper helps me be deliberate about them . I can refer to them when I have a few minutes here and there to pray . Also , having a short list of 4 , means that if I 'm driving along in my car , I can remember the 4 and blurt out some thoughts ( prayers ) . I really want to see God move here . He is God . I am Lindsey . He moves , I follow . Not the other way around . . . I move , He follows ? Uhm , no . Clearly , that 's not how it works . I 've tried it in the past . Have you ? It 's hard not to bitch and moan about it , when you 're in the heat of it . When you 're spending your blessed Sunday afternoon , repeating a job that has already been done . I really think it 's only human to find fault with the situation . I 've been thinking about it this morning , looking at the drawers that clearly don 't match , and wondering what in the hell the guy was thinking when he put them in ? Did he plan to paint them ? Was he just being lazy ? Perhaps he was simply color blind . Whatever the reason , as I was about to load up the old primer bucket and get to work I was trying to think if there is a way to find honor in it ; trying to come up with some way to change my attitude about it . Only one thing came to mind . How many messes does my Jesus , have to clean up for me ? And , how many times have I moved on from the offense , never to look back , while he 's back there loading up the proverbial primer bucket ? Touche ' . By the end of the month , my goal is to have www . lindseygoodall . com up and running and to have all of this jazz moved over there . . It is a wordpress page , and I have paid for , downloaded and uploaded my preferred theme . I just need to make the move the official move over there . Sadly , this little blogspot home I 've found here , is quite cozy and I 'm a wee bit distressed about making the move but I 'm excited about taking the next step into my making my dream of full time writing a reality . There are a few reasons for my pout about doing it though . The first being that wordpress makes me feel like a dumbass . Like driving off from the gas station without paying for your gas , dumb . Wait , that hasn 't happened since the Pay Before You Pump revolution , but I suspect all of you are old enough to remember that feeling . Anywho , I have full faith that at some point I 'll master it and call it my bitch , but until then , every time I close out of it , I 'm left feeling like a complete and utter moron . I will press on however . Secondly , I feel like a name change is on the horizon . As my blog coach , so eloquently defined what I was already feeling / thinking about it , there is a disconnect between the title and the content . I have to admit that hearing that did evoke some sadness on my part , because SFD had the " wow " factor AND it resonated with me personally . Here is where you come in . I need help coming up with a name . Sh * t , F * ck , Damn , rattled around in my brain for months before I finally jumped in and did it . Jeff and I have brainstormed a few times and the best we 've got is " I saw God today " . While , that title is sort of what I ultimately want the blog to be about ; how I most recently saw or felt God moving , it is simply not irreverent enough ! I don 't want it to be " religious " . I want it to be real . Any ideas ? Something slightly cheeky , but with a faithful undertone is what I 'm looking for . While you work on that , I 'll work on strengthening my relationship with Wordpress in an effort to bring you the official launch of www . lindseygoodall . com ! So , show me what you 've got ! You are all FAR more creative than me , so give it your best shot by leaving a comment below . The winner will get some super tremendous prize , selected by me , from me , with love ! xoxo I want to share with you all the devotion that I read this morning , January 24th , from Sarah Young 's Jesus Calling . If you 've ever wanted a daily devotional , I would highly recommend it , as it 's not heady or weighty . It was given to me for Christmas by a dear a friend and it 's literally like starting each and every day with a bear hug from the one that made you . " MY PEACE is the treasure of treasures : the pearl of great price . It is an exquisitely costly gift , both for the Giver and the receiver . I purchased this Peace for you with my blood . You receive this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life 's storms . If you have the world 's peace - everything going your way - you don 't seek MY unfathomable Peace . Thank Me when things do not go your way , because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials . Adverse circumstances are normal in a fallen world . Expect them each day . Rejoice in the face of hardship , for I have overcome the world . " In my last post , I wrote about how much I cherish my Mondays . How sometimes I feel as though I live for Mondays . This Monday is no different , and after a week of running to and fro , all over the planet it seemed , I awoke this morning with no place to be and nothing to do . Hallelujah . As I turned to today 's page and saw that the first two words were " MY PEACE " , it felt like that big old bear hug from Jesus that I have been longing for this week . But as I read , thanking Him in my head for answering my prayers for the quiet and peaceful day that is stretched out before me , I was reminded of a conversation I recently had with my Aunt . As we prepared our holiday plans , we were trying how to fit together the pieces of a broken family . We were both longing for the days when once it seemed , everyone happily and willingly showed up to my grandmother 's each and every holiday , to enjoy the feast and the fellowship . With that no longer as easy as it once was , she said , " Lindsey , I so wish this could just be easy and not so hard . " In one of those divine moments of inspiratiPosted by However , a slight little change in plans set me completely off course . I didn 't even take the much needed shower . While it was a completely welcomed surprise that set me off course , by the end of the day , i felt as thought I would never get back my momentum . I learned a lesson though , which is I guess what really matters ; the lesson being to NEVER set about my getting my chores done before getting down and dirty with God in a little QT and before I get my writing goals met , on a Monday . It started out like any other Monday . Well , any other Monday for me , is not like any other Monday for you . I LOVE Monday . I LIVE FOR Monday . I look forward to Monday , like you look forward to Friday . Monday is all about ME day . And , all about Jesus day . All about me and Jesus day . Ah . Last week , half of my parents were in town and I had several meetings and other obligations , so I knew my Monday was shot , but went with it , feeling like I was sacrificing my Monday for the greater good . While I did , very much miss it , I kept thinking , " it 's ok . Next Monday is just around the corner ' . It doesn 't rain much in Florida . Not like it does in other parts of the world , where the rain just sets in for the day or days on end . We get plenty of showers , but not so many rainy days . When I realized that yesterday was forecasted to be a really rainy day , I decided I better alter my preferred Monday schedule a bit , running the errands first thing before the rain set in , rather than spending the morning with God and writing . I figured I would knock out the my errands and my chores before lunch an as soon as lunch was over , I would be able to cozy on the couch and get down to business , and thereby making the most out of my rainy day . While something horrible could have happened to derail my plans , it was a truly unexpected and pleasant surprise that set me off course . Jeff came home from work after lunch with no plan of returning to the office for the afternoon ! Now , please don 't get me wrong ( especially , you babe ! ) , I was THRILLED to have the afternoon with him ! We 've been running a thousand miles an hour the last week , many times in opposite directions , and I was over the moon that he 'd busted his ass that morning at work so we could have the afternoon together . Truly , it was a great treat ! By supper time , I was in a funk . I had worked all day , doing chores , running errands and cooking but hadn 't gotten to the " work " I so desperately needed and wanted to do . I had completely lost another Monday . Two weeks in a row . I needed some Jesus , I needed to write , I needed not to fail at completing my goals . Here 's your sign , Linds . Satan , you mother f * cker , stealer of all joy and peace , thanks for taking away a perfectly wonderful surprise and using it to jump start my week with an extra jolt of exhaustion and a pervasive sense of failure . At this point , you 're probably thinking , " why am I reading this ? " Hell , I 'm certainly sitting here thinking , " why am I writing this ? " The point is ( hallelujah , we 've made it to the bottom line ) , is that while I sit here exhausted , terrified of the busy week that spans before me like a Jordan crossing to get to next Monday , I KNOW that God will use this shitty little experience . I know that he will take my heavy eyelids and pry them open and help me get it all done . Who knows what he 's going to do in me and through me this week , but I know it 's going to be good . Update : It 's now 8 : 25 p . m . and I made it through the day , which 13 hours before , I wondered how I would ever survive . While it wasn 't easy , God granted me peace and courage to keep busy and keep on task and I 'm so grateful . I had a work event tonight , which are never really any fun , but tonight while speaking to a group I felt God infusing me with his patience to complete my duties to the best of my ability . To God be the glory , great things he hath done . Posted by What a morning ! After snoozing the 3 set alarms on my iphone ( set to the most horrendous ringer in the world ) , and snoozing each one of them 3 times , and spending those 15 minutes deciding whether or not to hit the gym , go downstairs and write or go back to sleep , I finally talked myself into getting my lazy hiney to the gym . While pounding out 5 miles on that damn treadmill , I was again overcome by the awareness that I can do absolutely ANYTHING I set my mind to and moreover THAT YOU CAN TOO . Setting the bar a little bit higher , each time I run by myself , often leaves me with a feeling of accomplishment that I wish I could bottle up and share with you . We 've all heard that we can do anything through Christ who strengthens us ( Phil . 4 : 13 ) but have we truly experienced that ? Have we put it all out there on the line saying , " God there is no way , I can physically , emotionally , spiritually ( whatever ) accomplish this task , but I believe you will fill me with your strength to do it " ? And have we continued on to complete the task , watching his strength and love ooze from our sweaty pores ? WHOA . Here I am , blessed beyond belief , to have $ 4 to spend on 16 ounces of pure protein and I 'm bitching about it ? I remembered the $ 50 bill in my wallet ( given to me by a gatherer ) , and as I walked to my car , noticing the same clean cut fellow sitting in the driver seat of a local heating and air company 's van , I also remembered that look of anxiety on his face as he waited , hoping he 'd handed the clerk enough , as she counted out his payment for a gallon of spring water . I can easily tell you that the greatest blessing of my week was knocking on the window of his van and mumbling something about " I know this weird but it 's sort of a random act of kindness thing . . . but anyway , here 's some money for you " . God is good . All the Time . God is Good . Not only did He strengthen me to meet my own needs this morning , but He also provisioned me to help meet the need of another . While I 've never had the good fortune of attending The Rock Boat , I 've had the good fortune of attending several " sister events " and love living vicariously each year as my friends return sharing their stories of fun , sun , music and mayhem . This year is no different and I know that while I should be doing something productive , much of the next few days will be spent filing through scores of pictures and watching new TRB youtube videos . Gil and Lee are both participating in a 30 day writing challenge , so upon their return from the cruise last night , they both blogged about it and I couldn 't be happier to know that they both found God on a cruise that has been deemed " Spring Break for Grown Adults " . I have no doubt he was rocking his face off to NEEDTOBREATHE . . I 'm hearing from several of you that you haven 't been able to leave comments . As I 'm one who does appreciate a little gratification from time to time , I really hate to be missing them ! I have all the settings in place for anyone to leave a message at any time , and I 've double and even triple checked to make sure that all comments are enabled so if you could help me figure out the problem , I 'd be indebted ! As you attempt to leave a comment , make sure you choose an identity ( even if it 's anonymous ) after typing your post . Then click on " Publish Your Comment " . If you 've followed those steps and are getting an error message please let me know ( lpgoodall @ gmail . com ) what it is and I 'll continue the hunt for the root of the problem !

Well , the dairy free part is fine . I found some nice dairy free milk , and some absolutely amazing ice cream that even if I am not sensitive to milk I would happily eat . It is divine ! If you are interested in buying the book it is available at Amazon , Waterstones and The Book People . It maybe be worth checking them all as prices do change . Amazon also have a Kindle Version 1 . There is a definitely food sensitivity problem as she lost 3 . 5kg ( 7lbs ) during stage 1 . 2 . I think she reacted to whole milk rather than the grapes , as most of the increase occurred before she ate the grapes . This is important as she presumably thought the milk was safe and continued to consume it . Her weight loss slowed down - this could well be the result of having the milk as she thought it ok . 3 . There appears a very likely reaction to the cheddar cheese - probably because of the milk sensitivity . 4 . She MUST remove milk , butter cheese and any other milk products for at least seven days . This should promote better weight loss . After the seven days she should retest , maybe twice in one day rather than two different products per day . 5 . She appears to have reacted to instant coffee , but was ok with the unchemicalised ground coffee , so continuing with the ground coffee would be fine . But she mustn 't put milk in it . 6 . The reactions to grapefruit and oats were fairly obvious , although it is possible the oats reaction could have been confused if she ate them with milk ( muesli , porridge ) 7 . Melon represents a possible reaction , retest at a later time . I would never have picked this possible sensitivity to dairy up from my data - I gained only 300g after milk and before grapes and this was during the day , so it seemed normal . My first thought was that Dr Mansfield must have misread the table , but it does make sense in some ways , and it was a bigger rise during the day than some days are , and he has lots more experience of this than me . . . so I will try it . I also don 't think oats are problem , I thought that was confused with melon , but I will retest . I did say in a previous post that I was going to repeat Stage 1 , but I just can 't motivate myself to do it . Instead I have made my own list , which includes a lot of stage 1 foods , but not the ones I don 't like . I am also adding in lots of other foods that I think are OK , including herbs and spices . I am keeping the carbs low . I plan on cutting out wheat , not because I think it is a problem regarding a sensitivity , but because I want to eat less of it . When I reintroduced it before it was 3 times a day for three days , and felt like a brick in my stomach . I will give myself 7 days clear and then allow it back in gradually and occasionally , rather than at every meal . I am also cutting out refined sugars , alcohol and caffeine and NOT reintroducing them . Sugars are just no good for me . I know this . Alcohol and caffeine I am cutting out because of TTC . Caffeine I need to go cold turkey on so this is a good time to do it . I actually think I am sensitive to alcohol . I noticed before doing this diet that I was awake during the night after drinking some of a liqueur I was given for my birthday , and having just tested both red and white wine this also had the same effect . Thinking back , I had the same problem when we were on our holidays mid year drinking wine every night . At the time I blamed my night waking on eating dessert . Two glasses of red wine on weds night had me up with a dodgy belly and awake for 4 hours . Wine also makes my joints ache . This seems to be something that has happened since having a baby , so perhaps I developed this sensitivity in pregnancy along with my prawn allergy , or maybe not drinking for so long made my sensitivity show up . Anyway , its off the menu for now regardless , and though not really something I want to do , probably should be for good . I will reassess at a later date ! Below is a list of what I am going to be eating . It is a mixture of stage 1 foods from the elimination diet , other foods that I found to be OK , and has been cross referenced with The Fertility Diet . I will also be sticking to eating ' foods with only one ingredient ' , so no processed stuff at all , and I will absolutely know what I am eating . I believe it to be a good , healthy balanced diet for anyone , and exceelent for those TTC - we 'll see if it works ! If you are interested in buying the book it is available at Amazon , Waterstones and The Book People . It maybe be worth checking them all as prices do change . Amazon also have a Kindle Version Tweet Despite my lack of blog posts , the week has still had some significant events . First of all I wondered if BB had Chicken Pox . His friend H has a really bad case of it and last Thursday BB came out in spots and had a super high temperature . He was very clingy , and also off his food for several days which is most unlike him . The spots were many but tiny , and only 20 or so actually became little blisters - and then they faded away to nothing . His temperature has been fine since Saturday , and his appetite returned to normal at the start of this week . Apparently it is possible that it could have been Chicken Pox in a super mild form , I also wonder if my immunity could have helped him as I am still breastfeeding on demand ( and demand was definitely greater when he was sick ) . I guess we 'll never know , even if it was Chicken Pox it is likely that he will get it again , due to the mild form and the possibility my immunity coming into play . At least he is well again . His poor friend H is still suffering , bless him . DD came to visit at the weekend . All is good to go ahead next cycle , if we can manage to be in the same place at the right time . PP is happy with things . We have discussed the idea of moving closer though . DD would like to be closer to us , but PP needs to stay in London for work . In a few years , once I am back at work I am more than happy to move closer to London , but at the moment it is out of the question , we just can 't afford housing any closer than we are already . In the mean time I think they are planning to move to our side of the city so that it is a bit easier for them to come and visit . Speaking of money , I have also moved into a financial position where I am no longer on any benefits at all . This is a combined result of working and my ' assets ' ( ha ha ) . In reality it means that I am currently £ 50 a year worse off , which is the irony of the benefit system ( my Aussie friends always joke that benefits are a ' lifestyle choice ' in the UK ) , but hopefully my business will continue to grow and I anticipate I will be better off in the not too distant future . It certainly feels good . I am really grateful for the support I have had from the ' system ' , to move from being employed , through maternity leave , to self employment which can sustain our family . It couldn 't have happened in many countries . With regard to the diet I have been having a rest . The result of drinking wine was not weight gain but pain in my joints , enough to put me off . It is only white wine and green grapes that I have tested though and a concerned friend suggested I try some red , thanks to a late Christmas pressie , I am putting that to the test , but I anticipate the results will be even worse , as I have noticed red wine makes my knees hurt in the past . I am planning to go back to eating stage 1 foods for a week starting on CD1 . This is because I am not in the right frame of mind for it at the moment , but I do believe that foods I ate at that time were great for me and my fertility , so I figure I will be on that day . I do believe it is a good eating plan for fertility , and it will mean I cut out caffeine and drink lots of water and all the other things . After 7 days on stage 1 I will retest milk , grapes , grapefruit , melon , and then , with any luck , DD and I will be able to coordinate another attempt at creating a sibling for BB . I have also started investigating the adoption and fostering routes too . Although seeing your own genes in a child is amazing , I really feel that I could love an adopted child just as much as I do BB . To me it doesn 't matter what the genes are , our family is great little collection of interesting people already , so some different genes could only add to our wonderful mixture as far as I am concerned . With regard to fostering , it is something I have always had in mind . I did volunteer work with some 7 - 9 year olds in a special school about 20 years ago , most of whom were fostered , then as a secondary teacher I discovered an innate aptitude for working with troubled teenagers . One of my sisters works in social care with foster kids and their families , and I do believe I would be good at working with young mums , helping them to deal with the issues of being a teenager and a parent . There is also a new initiative in our county which they call concurrent adoption . This is when young children / babies are placed with a foster carer that may eventually become their adoptive parent if things work out that they can 't return to their birth parents . Whilst I realise that could be a huge wrench if the child does get returned to their family , it is also something that I feel I could do . I have saved our most fun news ' til last . It has been snowing here . Although cold , everything looks beautiful . BB did get to see the snow last year , but neither appreciated or remembered it . This year he LOVES it . this video shows him when he was just getting used to the idea . . . now he doesn 't want to come inside , and a trip in the car requires an snowy adventure both before and after ! If you are interested in buying the book it is available at Amazon , Waterstones and The Book People . It maybe be worth checking them all as prices do change . Amazon also have a Kindle Version I thought I would write a little post to fill you in . PP is on board , he even called me himself tonight to let me know that and explain how he was feeling before and to apologise for delaying the ' proceedings ' . It 's all good , I fully understand his perspective as I said before . I am pleased he rang though and that we had a chance to talk about it all . I even managed to laugh about it with my mum earlier . Somehow I didn 't get onto a relationship and have a child with a man in the usual way - yet here I am , essentially with 2 of them ! It has left space for a new quandary though - during the last few days the adoption idea has really grown in my mind . I even had a phone call today from a social worker in adoption services at our county council . I was totally honest about our situation and where I am at in my thought processes and she didn 't seem put off . They do have a policy of a 2 year gap between siblings , and the whole process takes about two years , so that would mean looking at adopting an 18month old in 2 years time . 18months is generally the time it takes to have made a decision that the child can not live with the birth family so that would work . She did also explain that most of the babies they deal with have some issues , often to do with substance abuse by the mother during pregnancy , and that these issues may not all be apparent at 18 months , so I wouldn 't necessarily know what I was getting . That 's good to be aware of , but you don 't really know what you are getting with a child you give birth to your self either do you ? So , now its down to me again to make the decision of which path to pursue . In some ways it was easier when the decision was out of my hands . I will talk with DD and see what he thinks , but I am thinking maybe we could try for a couple of cycles first and see how we go , but I wont go on trying forever - and an info pack re adoption is on the way in the mail . Right now I am too tired from all the emotions to make a decision anyway - hopefully the right one will come to me in time . I am feeling very sad today . I think at the weekend I didn 't really have time to think . At first I was shocked , then annoyed , then angry ( both at PP and at myself for going the KD route and so exposing us to this risk ) , then I started focusing on alternatives , so All in all my mind was busy . Then after speaking with DD on Saturday there was hope again . He thought he might be able to visit on Sunday if he spoke with PP again that night . But I heard nothing more . No visit , no text , no phone call . I still haven 't heard how discussions are going . With the busyness over , the reality sinking in and the lack of communication , today I just feel empty and sad . I have cried a lot . I felt ovulation yesterday which is a rare thing for me . It was horrible to know that a precious egg was going to waste . I was so primed for it too , having spent six weeks preparing for that moment , both physically with the diet , and mentally , having accepted the loss of BB2 and become ready to take the journey again . I was convinced it was our month . It 's probably not rational but today I am feeling like I missed my last chance . Even if by some miracle PP changes his mind and we do get to try again and I do get pregnant and the pregnancy does not end in miscarriage , ( so many ifs ) I would be a minimum of 42 when the baby was born . The odds just aren 't good are they ! I knew our chances were slim even before this happened . I was prepared to give it 3 tries , and if I didn 't get pregnant , accept it and move on . I also decided that it there was another miscarriage to accept it then too . Maybe there are just too many signs that this wasn 't meant to be . The whole episode has also given new life to the old idea of adopting . I am wondering if perhaps this is the path I should be taking . It was what I originally planned . There are lots of things going for it . Giving a home to one of the many children already on the planet that need one , not having to be pregnant at 42 and looking after a 2 1 / 2 year old at the same time , not having to go through the whole process of getting pregnant ( I am sure that 's much more fun in a normal situation , but lets face it , it is not fun with a syringe ! ) , I wouldn 't have to put my body through it all again . Of course the adoption route would be an emotional roller coaster too , I do realise that , and there may be different challenges to face . I think I mentioned somewhere back in a post about losing BB2 that I just wanted that pregnancy to be over ( though of course not in the way that it was ! - I felt very guilty for those thoughts after the miscarriage ) . I did love being pregnant with BB , but actually I am not all that keen on being pregnant again - I just want what is at the end of that journey . Maybe this too is a sign that I am off the my path by pursuing pregnancy when I could be adopting . DD might be disappointed though . I am not sure how he would feel . He did say that the most important thing to him is a sibling for BB . I do want to take his wishes into consideration too , but there is only so long I can hang around in limbo waiting for them to decide my destiny . If they get it sorted soon , perhaps I will give the second and third of cycles that I had in mind a try . Maybe I could even be persuaded for another one after , seeing as we missed the first , but maybe not too - that would be a baby born in 2014 , the year I turn 43 . It just seems too old . Meanwhile , as I wait for them to decide what they want , I feel the need to do something myself . To bring some form of control of my own and BB 's futures back into my own hands . I have just filled in an online form to my local authority to register my interest , and to receive info packs on both adoption and permanent fostering . I have been blogging for some time , but it 's only in the last few months that I have started to think about the idea of generating an income from my blog . Lots of people do it . I have been cautious about the whole idea as I don 't want to compromise my blog . I 'd hate for my need to make money to take the authenticity out of what I write . I have also added a couple of affiliate ads to the side bar . I have been told that 4 sales of the Baby Care DVD ( code BLISS to save yourself £ 5 ! ) are a result of people reading my review , that 's good to know , and I should see a little income from this . Writing this review did not compromise my integrity , so it 's all good so far . After going to Mumsnet Blogfest in November I thought I might try and take it a step further . I responded to an advert for bloggers to follow an Elimination Diet . I liked the sound of the diet because it was about identifying your own issues rather than following a rigid plan that someone else has written and you can never stick to - so I made further enquiries . I kind of hoped it would be paid , ( that was one of my first questions ) but no ! What they offered was to promote my blog through their ' extensive networks ' and bring me more traffic , and a free copy of the book . I figured I had nothing to lose . The diet sounded interesting and more traffic would be a good thing , especially as I now had affiliate ads on my blog . There was also the fact that as a result of not being paid , I didn 't have to lie , I just had to tell the story as it was with no obligation to anyone or incentive to increase sales . I liked that , but the thing really that sold it to me was the fact that if I was blogging about a diet , I would have to stick to it , and that might just bring me some results ! It did work , from the diet perspective . I lost 5kg and 32 cm and was never hungry . I learned some interesting things about my own body 's response to certain foods and I did stick to it . I also think it is a healthy approach to eating . My question for this post though is was it worth it as a blogging assignment ? Was it worth the hours I invested . I wrote a total of 27 posts over 6 weeks and this is what happened . No . I tracked all the tweets and their retweets and found that in 27 blog posts I got only one visitor as a result . I also looked on stat counter at where my visitors have come from and have not found a single person that came from the ' extensive networks ' they told me about . No . In fact I think it could have lost me a few . I have just been looking at my stats on feedburner and I lost a significant number of followers on 8th Jan - the day that I posted 4 items about the diet . I also had less page views in Dec that in did in previous months . Time is precious , especially when you only have the hours that your kid sleeps to generate an income for your family . I have used a minimum of 27 hours of precious money making time to generate zilch pounds sterling ! This is NOT money wise ! What can you tell me ? I am curious to know your thoughts . If you are a regular reader , did it get on your nerves that I was blogging about this diet so much ? Did you read less ? Please be honest . So I have come to the end of the elimination diet . Or at least , to the the end of the beginning . I am planning on continuing , and retesting a few of the items that have question marks . If you are interested in buying the book it is available at Amazon , Waterstones and The Book People . It maybe be worth checking them all as prices do change . Amazon also have a Kindle Version Tweet Just to clarify , it 's not that I blame the partner ( I am going to call him PP from now on to make things easier ) at all . As I said , it was amazingly generous of him to let us have one child in the first place , and he is a great guy . I really don 't think I could do it if I were in his situation . I do understand how hard it must be for him , and at the moment he is too busy caring for his own mum to be able to spend time in ' our ' family , so he is both distracted and distanced . However great PP is though , BB comes first . One thing I really want for BB is a sibling . I was an only child for 10 years and then I got sisters , so I have experience of both sides . Siblings are great ( even if a bit annoying at times ! ) . I want BB to grow up with someone else . I have also seen my mum as an only child have the burden of her aged parents all to herself . That 's part of the reason I returned home , to support her with that . PP himself is an only child with a very sick mother right now , that 's why we haven 't seen him for months , and another reminder that BB needs a sibling . Yesterday was also the day that BB2 would have reached the magic 24 week milestone , so that was on my mind too . We could have had it done already . As the day went on yesterday with that in my head I realised that it wasn 't a feasible option to let that happen . I would just resent him for it , and that is not healthy when he is DD 's partner , and BB 's God Father , and so likely in my life forever more . So I decided I will have to find a way and hope he understands . After all , it wasn 't actually him stopping me was it , it was me , thinking that he was . Once I realised that , I decided I would look for other options , and it all felt much better . I researched some clinics and it is great news there . When I last looked , back in 2009 / 10 there were only a few places in the UK that worked with single women , now most of them do . Age could be my barrier now rather than my singleness - some only go to 38 , others 40 , some 42 , then a few at 44 and above . Prior to DD coming on the scene the plan was always to adopt a second anyway . I have no problem with there being no biological relationship ( in fact it took me a while to get used to the idea that I would have to do it all a second time rather than adopt ) , and let 's face it - I wouldn 't be the first woman in the world to have a 2 kids by 2 different men , or to adopt a child ! Adoption also means there is no rush with my age . Even if it takes until BB is 5 he could still have possibly have a sibling within 2 years of his age . I looked on several adoption websites and there are lots of kids in need of a family . When I first started researching how I was going to become a mum , adoption was my first thought , but at that time it was actually easier to adopt as a single mum if you already had a child . I am not sure if that is still the case , I guess it gives them something to work with in regard to wether or not you can cope on your own . I have also chatted with people who have experience of adopting or being adopted with a sibling of the same age , which is a really interesting option that I think could work quite nicely . Anyway , I spoke to DD tonight and after all that , it may be the case that PP will change his mind . They are talking out his concerns and we will see what happens . It would be great to have another child together , but it would be great to give a home and family to someone who needs it too . Although if I am going to get pregnant myself I do feel the need to get on with it due to my advancing age and the fact that I would like the kids to be as close in age as possible , the adoption option gives us time to get things right without anyone feeling the pressure . This is one of those posts where I feel like I shouldn 't be writing it . The emotions are too raw and frantic . Then I remember this is part of the reason I blog ! To sort it out in my head and get the support of my ' friends ' . At about 4 am I woke and saw a message on my phone from DD saying that there will be no TTC this weekend ! Apparently his partner isn 't ready for that and thinks they need to discuss the consequences for their relationship first ! What can I do ? Nothing ! Yes of course they should have that discussion , but then again I can 't see how a second is really going to make much difference to how things are already . His partner is great and I would absolutely hate for this to destroy their relationship . He has been amazingly generous to let us have one child - I have always thought that . I am not sure I could be so generous if it were my partner . Perhaps he didn 't realise what he was getting into the first place , and now he knows what its like . Still , if DD is visiting one child it won 't take up any more of his time to see a second while he is here . It 's such a blow - I have always wanted 2 since I began this journey . I was an only child for 10 years before my sisters came along and so I know both sides of the situation . Initially I was planning to give birth to the first and then adopt a second , but when DD came a long those plans had to change . If he was going to be an active Dad to one child it would make it hard on the second . He is an active Dad ! So where does this leave me ? There are tons of things going round in my head . After the miscarriage I had a bit of a wobble and wondered if I could really go through with the whole thing again , but I have recovered from that . I was all set . Now what happens ? I am 41 ! If I am going to adopt I should have started the process months ago , if I am going through a clinic I need to get that sorted too . Or is it unfair on the second child if BB has a Dad and s / he doesn 't ? I think , knowing DD , he would adopt a Dad like relationship with that child anyway , so how would that make it any different from his partner 's side ? Does this mean that his partner is effectively going to dictate that I have no more children and BB is to be an only child ? Should I let that happen ? Can I ? I am a mess . There is so much to consider . It 's making losing BB2 hard all over again . Now I feel like I 'm losing BB3 too . The final secret is to have your thyroid checked out . Hypothyroidism is another cause of weight gain . It is a result of low thyroxin levels which can be replaced by medication . There is no diet treatment for this - you need drugs , as a result the chapter in this is quite short . You do need a diagnosis though . Blood tests are commonly used to diagnose thyroid problems , but they frequently give wrong results due to changing levels of the thyroid hormones which are apparently released in spurts . Dr Mansfield recommends that blood tests be treated with caution and that the patient be treated as a whole person . He recommends contacting either Thyroid UK or The British Society for Ecological Medicine if you have troubles with a diagnosis . If you are interested in buying the book it is available at Amazon , Waterstones and The Book People . It maybe be worth checking them all as prices do change . Amazon also have a Kindle Version Tweet Hyperinsulinaemia is a condition of having high levels of insulin in the blood . This is caused by eating high amounts of carbohydrates . I definitely believe I have a problem with this . PCOS is related to this and I was diagnosed with that in about 2002 . I also managed to control it with diet , which essential meant reducing my carbohydrate consumption . I believe I got this condition as a result of being ( almost ) vegetarian . I have never really liked red meat . As a result , I think I compensated for this by eating more carbohydrate than I should . Eating out as a vegetarian is getting better , but for a long time the only options really were high carbs ( like pizza or pasta ) and cheese - often there was no real protein source . As I said right at the beginning , my carb / sugar consumption has gone up since I had BB , and this is what I think needs to be brought into check . I believe I was insulin resistant before , and I possibly am again . I can 't remember the exact mechanism but it is described in The Atkins Diet , but basically it is a vicious cycle . Too much insulin leads to an accumulation of fat , the fat cells become insulin resistant , meaning you need to produce more insulin , and as a result you produce more fat cells , which increases insulin , which increases fat cells . . . . and so on ! Again the book has lots of info in this and more , such as how insulin resistance leads to diabetes and heart disease . It also talks about the Atkins Diet and a Low GI Diet . Dr Mansfield recommends both , but he does suggest you do the elimination diet first to rule out any sensitivities . Another thing I know about carbs ( from elsewhere ) is that they provide energy . If you are going to exercise or do something else energy demanding , eat carbs . If you are going to sit on your bum all day , don 't eat them ! You may also have heard of people who don 't eat carbs after a certain time of day , based on the idea that you don 't need them when you sleep either ! During the last couple of weeks on the elimination diet I have introduced three types of sugar , wheat , corn , bread , chocolate . . . I think I have actually eaten more carbs that I usually would as is necessary to test for sensitivity . However , I plan on reducing them all again once the reintroduction of rye and oats is complete . We 'll see what happens to my weight as a result ( I do plan on keeping records still ) . If you are interested in buying the book it is available at Amazon , Waterstones and The Book People . It maybe be worth checking them all as prices do change . Amazon also have a Kindle Version You may well have heard of Candidiasis , if not , you will almost definitely have heard of thrush . Both are caused by a common fungus Candida albicans . Yeast Syndrome is what happens when this fungus gets out of control in our bodies . From my research , it would seem that yeast syndrome as such is not fully accepted by the medical community , however , there are many people that have noted problems related to the overgrowth of this fungus . My own father actually became quite ill a couple of years ago . Having failed to get a satisfying solution through the conventional medical route he saw a naturopath who diagnosed yeast syndrome , and gave him some herbs and a low sugar , yeast free diet to follow . It made a massive difference to him . I do believe it . I have noticed that I get athletes foot if I eat too much sugar . I also believe my need to go to the loo during the night , and night waking , is related to sugar consumption , which fits with the yeast syndrome theory . In the book there is a quiz to help you identify if years syndrome is likely . For a woman a score of over 100 makes it likely , over 180 s a certainty - I scored exactly 100 . I would say that I do have yeast in my body and that sometimes , depending on what I have been eating , it can make a difference to my well - being , but I wouldn 't say it has ever been high enough for me to be really sick . There is a medical test you can take , and drugs you can get , but they are not good if you are pregnant or breastfeeding so this is not on my agenda right now . There are several websites out there that have a ' Candida diet ' , which is basically avoiding sugar and yeast ( remember yeast is in bread , cheese and alcohol ) . There is possibly an equal number of websites that state that it is all rubbish but of course a diet low in or eliminating those things will make you feel better . I would say there is probably truth on both sides , and seeing as I plan on dramatically reducing sugar and yeast again anyway , I feel like I have this one covered , but it is something to have in mind . If you are interested in buying the book it is available at Amazon , Waterstones and The Book People . It maybe be worth checking them all as prices do change . Amazon also have a Kindle Version As the title says , I am rapidly becoming a non - believer . I don 't think it is going to be as simple as avoiding a few foods forever and being thin . Well at least not in my case . In fairness , the book does say that this food sensitivity secret only works for 70 - 80 % of people . So , it would appear I am in the 20 - 30 % of the others . My weights have been all over the place , and steadily rising since I reintroduced sugar and other carbs . Without a doubt I lost weight at first , but my weight loss seemed to come to a halt and then I started reintroducing sugar on day 25 . In the beginning there was no wheat , potatoes , sugar , dairy , but lost of good proteins like fish , and good fats , like olive oil , avocado and macadamia nuts . I have now re - introduced beet sugar , cane sugar , corn sugar , wheat , bread , potatoes , corn , cheese and chocolate and all the benefits I felt and saw from the early stages have vanished . I have less energy , feel more tired and sluggish . I 'm not feeling anywhere near as young and vital as I was 3 weeks ago . The process of reintroduction does involve a bit of an assault on the body really . For example reintroducing wheat was 3 days of eating wheat at every meal . I would never do that normally . Spoonfuls of sugar after each meal is also something I wouldn 't do . While I appreciate it is necessary to challenge the body to see if there is an intolerance , it is not the best thing to do to your self . So despite these thoughts and my weights , I have continued reintroducing food . I figure that if I do react to something there will be a big weight gain which will stand out . I have just a few things to go . Rye , which I am doing today , oats , cauliflower , and malt . I want to do them because it seems a shame to get so far and give up , but I do also want this over with . It is CD9 , and I want to focus on TTC instead . According to the list I should also test aspartame and monosodium glutamate , but these are things I generally try and avoid and I am simply not prepared to flood my body with these chemicals at this point in time . I am also questioning wether I really am sensitive to grapes or wether this results were just a fluke . As I mentioned Champagne had no effect . I will retest grapes as soon as the other foods are done . I will address each of these in a separate post , but I am thinking that Secret 5 is the one for me . I think knew this before I started this whole process too , but hey . . . It was good to do a disciplined diet and reintroduction process to prove to myself beyond all doubt that this is the case . It is also good that I have lost more than 5 % of my bodyweight ( essentially the weight I gained during my pregnancy which ended by miscarriage in October ) . If you are interested in buying the book it is available at Amazon , Waterstones and The Book People . It maybe be worth checking them all as prices do change . Amazon also have a Kindle Version Tweet

In our home , like many homes , we have our own little Christmas traditions … some are fairly ordinary , like having the youngest child put the star on the Christmas tree … and I can tell you that now that Malachi is 4 and a half , it was no joke lifting him high enough to reach the top of the 7 - foot tree we bought at the parish Christmas fair … others are fairly unique … my wife and I have a large star of David made of cardboard and covered in tinfoil with stickers from the nativity scene stuck on … we made it with the children in the emergency shelter we were house - parents in over 20 years ago and we have carefully carried it with us from house to house since … and every year we place it atop our Christmas tree … another of our traditions involves stories … in the box with the decorations that go up into the attic are some books on the theme of Christmas … there is ' the little Christmas tree ' by ee cummings … ' how the Grinch stole Christmas ' by De Seus … or how he didn 't steal it as Malachi likes to point out … and ' the night before Christmas ' by Clement Clark More … in our house it is a special tradition that on Christmas eve I read that story to our boys … Because stories are important , I think … and they are a special part of our Christian tradition … every year as we work our way through the Church calender we tell special stories at certain times of the years in our readings in Church … on Saints days , if they are people who are part of the Bible story , we read from those parts of the Bible where they are mentioned … at times such as Pentecost , or the transfiguration , or the Baptism of our Lord , we read those stories … during Holy Week and Easter we read about the events leading up to the death of Jesus , his crucifixion , burial , and resurrection … and at Christmas we read the different stories that led up to the Nativity of our Lord … We don 't have time to go over all of the stories this morning … or rather , we do , but I might be held responsible for a great many latThere is the Christmas story of Joseph … an honest , hard - working carpenter … a righteous man whose heart was perhaps broken when he discovered that the young woman he loved was going to have a baby and that he was not the father … a kind man whose first impulse was not to punish the girl for betraying him , but to end the relationship quietly , privately , to spare her from public disgrace … a man of faith , who believed the word of God that came to him in a dream that Mary had done nothing wrong … who took the woman and her child into his home … who protected them from harm , even to the extent of fleeing with them to Egypt to protect them from Herod 's soldiers … who provided for them , and cared for them , and loved the child as if he was his own son … There is also the Christmas story of Mary … the young women who is told by an angel that she is going to have a baby and that no human man will be the father … if what we know about the time and place in which she lived , she must have been very young , perhaps only 14 or 15 … and yet , she doesn 't ask what will happen to her when people find out … she doesn 't ask if anyone will believe her unlikely sounding story … she doesn 't ask who will look after her and the baby … she simply says that she will do what God asks … and then shows what a kind and good - hearted young woman she must have been by going at once to look after her cousin Elizabeth , who is also expecting a baby … There are many other Christmas stories we could tell … that of Elizabeth and Zechariah and their baby John … that of an inn - keeper kind enough to let poor travellers use his stable even when the inn was full … that of shepherds who heard the song of angels as they huddled for warmth around a small fire on a cold hillside … even that of Herod , a man so obsessed with power that he would stop at nothing to retain his grasp on it , even if it meant defying the will of God spoken by the prophets and killing children … But all these stories , varied though they are , have something in common … they are all human stories … the stories of ordinary human beings like you and I to whom something extraordinary happened … a profound encounter with the divine that changed their lives forever … which is very appropriate at this Christmas time when we remember how the human and the divine became inextricably intertwined when the Word became flesh and the son of God was born as Mary 's Son and God entered into the world , fully man and fully God , as the baby Jesus … and because that happened , when we hear the stories of Joseph and Mary and Elizabeth and all the others , we know that what happened then is not only that happened to other people in a place far away and long ago … we know that it was when the story of God and the story of humanity became visibly one … that this is a story that we are part of also … the eternal story of how God loved us all so much that he sent his Son into the world for us … Christmas comes but once a year , the old saying goes … but this Christmas I pray that you will know that you and all others will know that you are part of the Christmas story not just today but everyday … so that the joy of the Christmas season , that Merry Christmas I wished you when I began , will be yours throughout the year and all through your life from the day of your baptism and every day of your life … Amen . During the season of Advent we have been on a journey … a spiritual journey … one where we make our way in our hearts and minds to a little town … a town located in a time and place very different from our own … a time of kings like Herod who had the power of life and death over his people … a time when the Roman Empire controlled all the known world by the power of it armies … a time when travel was by foot or on the back of an animal or in a boat powered by sails or oars … a time when communications were limited to what one person might tell another face to face … where few could write and a letter had to be hand - carried to its destination and could take months to get there … a time when diseases we think of today as minor were life - threatening … we have travelled to a dusty almost desert land , where there is little water and eking out a living is hard … where most of the people live in abject poverty … a place conquered by the Roman soldiers not because it has fertile land or is rich in natural resources like timber or gold but because it is on the main land route between Rome and Egypt , the place where most of the Capital 's food comes from … a place where even though the people are poor , they are proud … because they know themselves to be a people chosen by God … and even though they are oppressed by the most powerful and ruthless military force their world has ever known , they are not without hope … because they know that God will one day send them a Saviour … he will send them his anointed one … the messiah … And as we have journeyed to this place , we have heard strange and wonderful stories … of how an angel visited a couple called Elizabeth and Zechariah , a couple married many years without children , and told them that their prayers would be answered and they would be finally blessed with a child … and that their son would have a special purpose … that he would be the one the prophets had spoken of , the one who would prepare the way for the promised Messiah . . We also heard how that same angel visited another woman , a girl called Mary and told her that even without a husband she would have a child … a child who would be the Son of God most high … and when the young woman asked how this could be without a husband , she was told that the power of the Holy Spirit would come upon her … and scared though she must have been … and dangerous though it was in those days to have a child with no husband … the young woman agreed … and conceived a child within her … And so our journey is almost over … for we have come tonight to that town called Bethlehem … we have seen angels appear in the night sky and heard them singing and praising God and telling us that the child has been born and that he is the Saviour and the Messiah … full of wonder we have made our way under the starry sky and through the cold night air to that little stable at the back of an inn … we have pushed our way past the sheep and the cattle and the donkey , so that we may stand shoulder to shoulder with the shepherds … so that we might gaze with them in awe upon a child wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger … And even though in one sense we know exactly who that child is … in another we do not … in our minds tonight he is newly born … we have come to this point of our spiritual journey to meet with that child anew and so we are in a sense meeting him for the very first time … and so we must ask those questions that we always ask when we meet someone for the first time : who are they … what do they do … where do they come from … but the child can not answer for himself … so we must listen to other voices … those who knew him … those who now speak for him … we must listen to what was said by the prophets … by the angels … by his mother … by those came to know him so well … and heard what he had to say … and saw what it was he could do … And listening to those voices , we hear that the name of this child is Jesus … and that while he was born in BethSermon notes : 24 December 2011 ( first Mass of Christmas ) A new report from Duke university indicates that we have underestimated the intelligence of our avian friends . . . so much so that to describe someone as ' bird brained ' may no longer be quite the insult it used to be . As a near - vegan with Franciscan leanings ( don 't ask ! ) I am delighted this news is coming out just before Christmas . . . a time when untold millions of birds are slaughtered . Those of you who will be tucking into some dead bird as part of their seasonal festivities may wish to reflect upon the fact that not only was this a creature that knew pain and suffering before it died . . . but that it may also have been a lot smarter than you thought . . . that it might have known exactly what was going on . . . and desperately did not want to die . . . and also that it is perfectly possible to be healthy and well nourished without any living creature having to die . The Irish Medicines Board has decided against advising women to remove the suspect PIP breast implants . I find that a curious position to take . Presumably they think they are being conservative and prudent in their advise . There is no overwhelming evidence to suggest the silicon in the implants is dangerous ; so they see no reason for women to rush to remove them . As I said in yesterday 's post I have mixed feelings about implants and cosmetic surgery when used for purposes other than reconstructive surgery . However , this silicon gel is not approved for medical use . It seems to me that advising women to wait to see whether or not it is dangerous is akin to asking them to be guinea pigs . The stuff never should have been put into their bodies . So it should be taken out . End of story . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest The implant scare raises all kinds of questions . A lot of the women who had them would have had reconstructive surgery after mastectomies . . . but many more would have had them for cosmetic reasons . . . is body image really so important ? And what drives our idea of what is the ' right ' way for a body to look ? I would have to admit to being deeply uncomfortable about this whole industry . There 's an interesting post about cosmetic surgery here that suggests more than anything that those who submit to it are really trying to fill a gap in their lives that no amount of surgery can fill . Interestingly the French government is offering to pay to remove the implants from all women . . . but only replace them those who had cancer as opposed to those who had them solely for cosmetic purposes . That seems to mind to send out a message about how they view cosmetic surgery . But since as a government they also legislate to allow such procedures , is their response here consistent ? But the merits of implants aside , what kind of people put industrial grade silicon into women bodies instead of medical grade ? The stuff they used was 10 times cheaper - was profit their only consideration ? And even though the company is defunct , the people who ran it are presumably still around - will criminal charges be brought against them ? Troubling also is the attitude of the lawyers for those who had the implants . Since they can 't go after the company , they are planning to go after the clinics - is this right ? Is justice only about going after those with the deepest pockets available as opposed to those who actually did what was wrong ? And what about insurance - shouldn 't companies like this be obliged by law to have policies in place to cover claims that come in even after the company has ceased to trade ? Surely that is common sense . The biggest shock of the story , for me at least , is the numbers of implants involved . This company produced hundreds of thousands , perhaps millions , of implants during its time and it was only the third largest company making them . I had no idea the market was so big . Maybe that shows my naivety . But I also think it speaks volumes about society 's attitude to women . There 's pressure for them to look a certain way - the more they look like a candidate for a page 3 photo - shoot candidate the better - and if they can 't look that way naturally , then surgery and plastic is an acceptable answer . It shouldn 't be . Women , and men , should be able to feel beautiful for just being who they are . . . and to feel lovable and loved without having recourse to the surgeon 's blade . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest House prices are continuing to fall in Ireland . And apparently the rate they are falling at is increasing . Why should this be a surprise ? People are out of work ; the government is taxing everything in sight ; the prospects for the economy are bleak ; the banks are tight when it comes to lending ; and there 's a huge over - supply of housing left over from the building - boom . What people should really be wondering about is why they aren 't falling faster . . . but of course , the reason is that the Irish people are pouring borrowed money into the banks so that they don 't have to force developers to flood the market with houses . That can 't go on forever , so eventually it seems logical that prices must drop further . The truth is , the way things stand there is no reason why property shouldn 't go back to pre - boom levels . Basic supply and demand . Lots of houses plus not much money in the economy equals low prices . But then , since the ' experts ' couldn 't figure out that an endless spiral of price increases fueled by banks willingness to lend ever increasing amounts was bound to end badly , maybe these same experts can 't see the writing on the wall in relation to the current situation now either . And the real irony is that we have people homeless in a country where the government is the effective owner of hundreds of thousands of empty housing units . Maybe irony is the wrong word . Perhaps vanity is closer . Or avarice . Or pride . One thing is sure - whatever is the right word , I 'm pretty sure it must be one that describes a sin , and a serious one at that . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest There is a report out that states that over half the elderly in Ireland go without food or other necessities in order to pay for heat . Our Minister for Energy doesn 't like the sound of that . So how does he deal with the problem ? He denies that it exists . This from a Labour politician , a member of a party that is supposed to stand for justice and equality . Perhaps I shouldn 't be surprised . After all , he is a member of a government that , as shown in the latest budget , that believes in protecting the rich from their mistakes at the expense of the poor and vulnerable . Some years ago , when I worked in a university , I did a little research in an area called Political Marketing . My studies led me to believe that smaller parties inevitably decline after going into government with larger ones . Look at what happened to the Green Party . Remember the Progressive Democrats ? And who among us has anything but the vaguest memories of Democratic Left ? So perhaps the Labour Party will get its comeuppance at the next election . However , that 's cold comfort for the elderly now going without food so they can afford to heat their homes . I had another one this evening , a school one . I admit that I approached it with slight dread . I was already tired after a long day & yet another service with the added bonus of a horde of OPC ( other people 's children ) had me less than enthusiastic . However , I have to say that it was the lift I needed . Shiny little faces , all delighted to be up there singing and reading . Childish voices piping out the familiar words full of innocence and joy . And the moral of the story ? Does there need to be one ? But if there does . . . sometimes relief comes from unexpected sources . . . and sometimes it comes from the ones we should have known to expect it from . Today is the 4th Sunday in Advent , when we traditionally think of the Blessed Virgin , as is seen in our Gospel reading . Having heard the announcement of the angel , Mary 's response is ' how can this be ? ' Gabriel tells her that the Holy Spirit will come upon her . And Mary , despite the fears that she must surely have had says ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Mary 's question is one for us all to hold in our hearts . When we feel God 's call upon us , instead of looking for ways to avoid what we are called to do , instead we must ask instead ' how can this be ? ' And the answer to our question will be , like hers , that God will strengthen us with his Spirit , so that we may also respond in the words that Mary used ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Amen My wife and I spent last night at the Fota Island Resort . It was a bit extravagant , but she had gotten a ' deal ' on one of those online voucher sites . A night in the hotel , a bottle of wine waiting in the very spacious room when we arrived , free passes to the luxury spa , and a very nice breakfast . She had bought the voucher a while back , in anticipation of celebrating some good news , which in the event never came . However , having had some other good news to celebrate which we received earlier this week ( I am to be rector of a parish sometime in the New Year ) , we decided to use it before it expired ( its use - before - date was rapidly approaching ) . I 'm uncomfortable with luxury . It is the kind of thing I could never buy . But once bought , it would kill me to see it wasted . And I have to confess , I really enjoyed the night . It helped that it was the first night in years where sleep was not interrupted by a small child or two visiting us in the middle of the night . We emerged from our stay relaxed and refreshed , which makes it worth it . Not the kind of thing we could or would do often . But worth it as a very occasional treat . The story goes that some years ago , when ecumenical relations were not very far advanced , the Roman Catholic bishop of Cork was informed that his Church of Ireland counterpart had passed away . ' Good , ' he responded . ' So by now he 'll know who the real bishop of Cork is . ' There was a happy gleam in his eye as he contemplated the toasting that his erstwhile rival was now enjoying . Christopher Hitchens has died . One would almost be tempted to adapt the above anecdote to the event . However , that would be churlish . Mr Hitchens , like most atheists , I believe would like to be proved wrong , that they would delight to die and discover that their being had not ceased and that they were in the presence of a loving and compassionate God . Obviously , I wouldn 't agree with the stance he took on religion and a great many other subjects . But I accept that they were sincerely held . And so today my prayers are for him and those who held him dear and mourn his passing . May he rest in peace ( and may he delight in God 's presence ) . Amen . I was at a pre - Christmas lunch today . Young men in an area of socio - economic deprivation were cooking lunch for the vulnerable elderly of their locality in the local youth centre . When they had finished serving to those who were there , they planned to take plates of food to those unable to to leave their homes . These are the young men who will almost certainly never go to university , may never have a full - time job , & are unlikely to own their own home . In our ' economy ' they are considered non - productive , a drain on resources . But this is a lie . They are not the problem , it is a system that fails to cherish all people . We do not live in an economy , we live in a community , which is made up of many smaller communities , and these communities are better places when those who live in them care about each other . These young men understand that . And it makes them wiser than those who run nations and more valuable than those who try to convince us that we are all parts of some vast economic system . Jesus said ' blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth . ' Well , there they are . I wonder what it is that the rest of us shall inherit ? It 's hard to know which is worse in the debate over the new property tax : that the government is bringing in yet another tax that is in no way based on ability to pay ; or that other elected officials are cheering people on to break the law . What 's really cruel about this is that there are people out there who paid fortunes in property tax up - front by way of stamp duty which is not going to be recognised for the purposes of this tax . If the government keeps going on this way , they are going to get a no vote on the Euro zone referendum ( which will be needed , whatever the spin doctors are saying now ) . . . which might mean we 'd be kicked out of the Euro . . . which would mean there was no need to pay the the bond holders so we could ' burn ' them if we wanted . . . which would eliminate the need for all the austerity budgets . . . hmm . . . I wonder if the government knows what it 's doing after all ? Sitting in a cafe in Castlecomer , Co Kilkenny , yesterday , my wife and I watched two young women trying to transport what appeared to be two skip baps balanced on top of a wheel barrow . The load slipped left , the load slipped right , the load slipped forward . One held tight on the handles , the other tried to keep the bags in place . The heavy rain didn 't help ! Sitting snug behind plate glass eating our lunch we found it better than television . The women saw us watching ; we smiled and waved & they smiled back . They clearly knew how funny they must look & didn 't take themselves too seriously . If only more folk were like that , the world would be a far more pleasant place . In this joyful season of Advent , it is good to remember that there are simple pleasures in life , and not just the ones thrown at us by advertisers on tv or in catalogues . Last night , my youngest son climbed into bed with my wife and I . A few minutes later he was asleep , his little face angelic . This morning I threw on a jacket I hadn 't worn in a few weeks . As I did so there was a jingle . I checked the pockets to find several euro in change . Simple things , but they brought a smile to my face . There are simple pleasures in your life also , I 'm sure - may they outweigh any sorrows . . . Amen . First , it was a ministry of presence … John gave up a comfortable life to live in the desert … he showed that material things were not of the first importance … whether clothes … personal appearance … possessions … food … But he also showed that he was not above justice in the material world … he knew that not all could live his life … and when those in authority came to him … soldiers and those who collected taxes for the Romans , he told them to be fair to those they dealt with … be satisfied with your pay and do not extort more … collect only the taxes that you must … a message of social justice without political revolution … he also challenged the religious authorities in a major way … after all , he called them a brood of vipers to their face ! And his challenge to King Herod 's marriage demonstrated his conviction that no one above the moral laws … that wealth and power did not create an entitlement to live in a way that was unacceptable for the rest of society … Looked at in that way , we can see that there were common themes between John 's message and that of Jesus … clearly there were difference … he had nothing like the same power or authority that Jesus displayed … and his ministry essentially came to an end with his death … whereas with Jesus it was his death that truly gave life to his movement … yet nonetheless , he did in a very real way prepare the way for Jesus in his ministry … he prepared the people for the kind of message that Jesus was to preach … and many of Jesus earliest and closed followers had originally been followers of John … or at least had gone out to see and hear and be baptised by him … I said at the beginning that John would have found joy in his role … I think we also should rejoice in what it was that John did … even as we rejoice in the memory of Jesus ' first coming … and indeed rejoice in the thought that he will come again … and especially rejoice in the thought that with God 's grace we can play our part also in making ourselves and all others ready for that glorious second coming … which is my prayer for all God 's children at this joyous time of year … Amen . I have to admit to be a little under - informed when it comes to matters occult . The announcement regarding the find of a witches cottage in Pendle this week took me by surprise . . . mainly because I had never heard of Pendle nor its famous association with witchcraft . A quick look at wikopdedia soon had me up to speed . . . my first thought when reading about the trials and subsequent executions was ' how sad . ' Some were most probably the victims of hysteria . Also , I do not believe in the death penalty . And I rather suspect that these so called witches were either deluding themselves or deliberately deceiving others into thinking they could do magic for their own ends . However , those who thought themselves ' witches ' or portrayed themselves as such would have been morally guilty of the crimes for which they were executed . Those who thought they had powers and tried to use them were guilty in the same way a person who points a gun and pulls the trigger only to discover the gun is empty is morally guilty of the crime they intended . And those who were only pretending not only were deliberately trying to terrify people for money or power , but they knew knew what they were doing was against the law of the land , carrying severe penalties , up to and including death . . . as did those who really believed . Both groups received justice according to the reckoning of the times they lived in . The past really is a different country ! I think the best we can do for those who suffered , either innocently or not so innocently , is learn the importance of learning from past mistakes and trying to mete out justice as fairly as we can . . . and perhaps be very slow to hand out punishments which , if we are later proved wrong , we can do nothing to correct . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest I 've always rather loved today 's Gospel reading because of the way it shows up a certain kind of critic for what they are . In the passage Jesus points out that people were critical of John the Baptist for being an ascetic and yet the same people criticise him for not being one . Basically it underscores people 's ability to find fault when they wish to . . . even if the fault they find today is in direct contradiction of the fault they found yesterday or will most certainly find tomorrow ! Think of that when next you hear someone complaining about the Church or Christianity or religion in general . Is what they are saying valid or is it rooted in the speaker 's own biases and prejudices ? It is hard to imagine any two people less deserving of criticism and yet not only did Jesus and John have critics but the criticism was the prelude to their judicial murder . Something to keep in mind when next you hear others voicing complaints against those you know in your heart to be Godly people . John the Baptist ( or John the Forerunner ) is , naturally , a prominent figure in our readings in Advent . I wonder what he would make of the economic chaos the world is facing ? He cared nothing for material things for himself . Yet he thought those in authority , in his time soldiers & tax - publicans should not to take advantage of their position to the disadvantage of others . And he thought common morality applied as much to kings as anyone . . . and was not afraid to tell them so to their face . And when he was in prison for his uncompromising faith and preaching his main concern was the his ministry , the Messiah , & God 's will . Matters of high finance are not my area of expertise . Yet it seems common sense that our financial crisis is as a result of what can only be termed the gambling of those who do consider themselves experts in that field . The government , for reasons best known to themselves , decided to national the debt that resulted from their speculations when it all went wrong ( having lightly taxed the profits when all was going well ) . And now spending cuts and higher taxes are being made to pay off that debt in a manner that will disproportionately affect those who are poorest in our society . I was at the switching on of the Christmas lights in a small town over the weekend . As I stood in the crowd I overheard the conversation of two women near me . One couldn 't make out what the local dignatary was saying in their speech before the switch was thrown . Her friend could & offered to tell her what was being said . Both laughed . I don 't know the women , so I don 't know the context of the remark . Was she being ironic , knowing full well that the chances that any reference to religion on such an occassion in modern Ireland were very remote ? Or was she serious , truly thinking that to have any reminder of religion would in some way ' spoil ' things ? This is the time of year when we normally talk about John the Baptist … he is mentioned in the readings for both this Sunday and next … and this is perhaps not a surprising thing to do in the Season of Advent … the time when we think about the coming of Christ into the world … for John is the one whom Christian tradition holds was the one who came before Christ to prepare the way … Eastern Orthodoxy indeed refers to him as John the Forerunner more commonly than as John the Baptist … So I thought it appropriate to talk a little bit about John today … Firstly we know he came from a very religious family . Both his mother and father were descendants of Aaron … so they were a priestly family on both sides … his father was a priest who served in the Temple … and so too most probably were his male relatives on both sides … not only that , but St Luke 's Gospel tells us that both his parents were righteous people , devout , who kept all of God 's laws … also we see both of them speaking prophetically in that Gospel … his father , Zechariah has a vision with an angel & later speaks prophetically about his son ; and his mother Elizabeth speaks prophetically on the occasion of the visit to her by the Blessed Virgin Mary … Priests like Zechariah did not do that work full time … he belonged to one of 24 priestly divisions & each division took turns spending a week at at time in the temple offering incense … he would have been in the temple for one week about twice a year … and then all the divisions would be there for the major festivals … but we have no hint of what Zechariah did the rest of the year … but it seems that he was able to afford to take several weeks off a year … so probably not a day labourer … but he probably wasn 't too wealthy … the kinsman of his wife Elizabeth was to marry a carpenter … and families of the time tended to stay within their own economic & social standing … and we know that Mary came and stayed for three months while Elizabeth was expecting … probably to help out … which means they probably couldn 't afford to hire someone … so not wealthy but not on the poverty line … perhaps a skilled craftsman of some sort … or given that the hill country of Judah where they lived was a fertile area , filled with small vineyards , olive groves , and small farms , perhaps he had his own small plot of land which he worked … So John would have grown up in the rural setting of the Judean hill country … not too far from Jerusalem … in a family where the religious traditions of their people were held in particular signifPerhaps it was a life that he didn 't find so strange … all the prophets that had gone before him had pointed to the life of this person … the history of all the people of Israel … every generation since Adam , had been designed to prepare the world for the coming of the Messiah … so perhaps it gave him peace and contentment knowing that he was the last in a long line of those who had gone before … and perhaps he also found peace and joy in the knowledge that there would soon come a time when all those who followed the one he went before would also be called to live a life that was much the same , in spirit if not materially … that they also would be called to go before all the world proclaiming the Messiah … leading lives that were designed to prepare themselves and others for the time he would come … not for the first time but the second … I think he did find peace and joy and comfort in those thoughts or ones like them … and so may we … so that even as we prepare ourselves spiritually in this season of Advent we remember our task to be like John in preparing the world for the coming of its Messiah … something that I pray that I , & you , and all God 's children may have the strength and courage to do . Amen . In our Gospel today we hear the story of two blind men healed by Jesus . In the Gospels the idea of blindness always carries with it the sense of the literal , as a physical disability , & the metaphorical , in the sense of spiritual blindness . Often in the Gospels those who are physically blind are spiritually better able to see than many of their peers . In today 's passage , they were following Jesus . . . two blind men were able to follow him down the road , calling out after him , according him a Messianic title , and asking for his mercy . Though blind , they knew who he truly was ; Jesus the Christ . . . the one whom even the blind can easily follow if they are spiritually open , if they will but see through the eyes of faith . Amen . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest In our Gospel reading today , Jesus speaks of the importance of having a solid foundation . For his listeners , the solid rock on which to base their faith was the words which he spoke to them and the revelation which was the Word made flesh , his presence among them . For us , it is the words of scripture , his body the Church , and his presence among us still which he promised . Though it may be tempting to wish that we walked in Gospel times and spoke with him face to face , there is no need to be envious of those first disciples . As Jesus said to Thomas : blessed are those who have not seen , and yet believed . Amen . If you enjoyed this post , please hit ' SHARE ' or ' LIKE ' so your friends can enjoy it as well . And if you like this blog , then please accept my invitation to FOLLOW it . Want to know when the latest posts are available ? Just subscribe to follow by email below ! Hi , I 'm Paddy ( the Rev Patrick G . Burke ) , a priest in the Church of Ireland . The title of the blog is from a description of me in a letter my grandmother wrote to my mother in 1965 when I was three ! May God richly bless you and those whom you love today and everyday . Amen . The arctic ice caps are melting . Colour me confused on the whole global warming thing . My having a degree in geography doesn 't help much . It does help understand the sc . . . ' Talk to me about Padre Pio . ' The woman had recently been bereaved . She wasn 't a parishioner , but I 'd call in for a chat a . . .

In our home , like many homes , we have our own little Christmas traditions … some are fairly ordinary , like having the youngest child put the star on the Christmas tree … and I can tell you that now that Malachi is 4 and a half , it was no joke lifting him high enough to reach the top of the 7 - foot tree we bought at the parish Christmas fair … others are fairly unique … my wife and I have a large star of David made of cardboard and covered in tinfoil with stickers from the nativity scene stuck on … we made it with the children in the emergency shelter we were house - parents in over 20 years ago and we have carefully carried it with us from house to house since … and every year we place it atop our Christmas tree … another of our traditions involves stories … in the box with the decorations that go up into the attic are some books on the theme of Christmas … there is ' the little Christmas tree ' by ee cummings … ' how the Grinch stole Christmas ' by De Seus … or how he didn 't steal it as Malachi likes to point out … and ' the night before Christmas ' by Clement Clark More … in our house it is a special tradition that on Christmas eve I read that story to our boys … Because stories are important , I think … and they are a special part of our Christian tradition … every year as we work our way through the Church calender we tell special stories at certain times of the years in our readings in Church … on Saints days , if they are people who are part of the Bible story , we read from those parts of the Bible where they are mentioned … at times such as Pentecost , or the transfiguration , or the Baptism of our Lord , we read those stories … during Holy Week and Easter we read about the events leading up to the death of Jesus , his crucifixion , burial , and resurrection … and at Christmas we read the different stories that led up to the Nativity of our Lord … We don 't have time to go over all of the stories this morning … or rather , we do , but I might be held responsible for a great many latThere is the Christmas story of Joseph … an honest , hard - working carpenter … a righteous man whose heart was perhaps broken when he discovered that the young woman he loved was going to have a baby and that he was not the father … a kind man whose first impulse was not to punish the girl for betraying him , but to end the relationship quietly , privately , to spare her from public disgrace … a man of faith , who believed the word of God that came to him in a dream that Mary had done nothing wrong … who took the woman and her child into his home … who protected them from harm , even to the extent of fleeing with them to Egypt to protect them from Herod 's soldiers … who provided for them , and cared for them , and loved the child as if he was his own son … There is also the Christmas story of Mary … the young women who is told by an angel that she is going to have a baby and that no human man will be the father … if what we know about the time and place in which she lived , she must have been very young , perhaps only 14 or 15 … and yet , she doesn 't ask what will happen to her when people find out … she doesn 't ask if anyone will believe her unlikely sounding story … she doesn 't ask who will look after her and the baby … she simply says that she will do what God asks … and then shows what a kind and good - hearted young woman she must have been by going at once to look after her cousin Elizabeth , who is also expecting a baby … There are many other Christmas stories we could tell … that of Elizabeth and Zechariah and their baby John … that of an inn - keeper kind enough to let poor travellers use his stable even when the inn was full … that of shepherds who heard the song of angels as they huddled for warmth around a small fire on a cold hillside … even that of Herod , a man so obsessed with power that he would stop at nothing to retain his grasp on it , even if it meant defying the will of God spoken by the prophets and killing children … But all these stories , varied though they are , have something in common … they are all human stories … the stories of ordinary human beings like you and I to whom something extraordinary happened … a profound encounter with the divine that changed their lives forever … which is very appropriate at this Christmas time when we remember how the human and the divine became inextricably intertwined when the Word became flesh and the son of God was born as Mary 's Son and God entered into the world , fully man and fully God , as the baby Jesus … and because that happened , when we hear the stories of Joseph and Mary and Elizabeth and all the others , we know that what happened then is not only that happened to other people in a place far away and long ago … we know that it was when the story of God and the story of humanity became visibly one … that this is a story that we are part of also … the eternal story of how God loved us all so much that he sent his Son into the world for us … Christmas comes but once a year , the old saying goes … but this Christmas I pray that you will know that you and all others will know that you are part of the Christmas story not just today but everyday … so that the joy of the Christmas season , that Merry Christmas I wished you when I began , will be yours throughout the year and all through your life from the day of your baptism and every day of your life … Amen . During the season of Advent we have been on a journey … a spiritual journey … one where we make our way in our hearts and minds to a little town … a town located in a time and place very different from our own … a time of kings like Herod who had the power of life and death over his people … a time when the Roman Empire controlled all the known world by the power of it armies … a time when travel was by foot or on the back of an animal or in a boat powered by sails or oars … a time when communications were limited to what one person might tell another face to face … where few could write and a letter had to be hand - carried to its destination and could take months to get there … a time when diseases we think of today as minor were life - threatening … we have travelled to a dusty almost desert land , where there is little water and eking out a living is hard … where most of the people live in abject poverty … a place conquered by the Roman soldiers not because it has fertile land or is rich in natural resources like timber or gold but because it is on the main land route between Rome and Egypt , the place where most of the Capital 's food comes from … a place where even though the people are poor , they are proud … because they know themselves to be a people chosen by God … and even though they are oppressed by the most powerful and ruthless military force their world has ever known , they are not without hope … because they know that God will one day send them a Saviour … he will send them his anointed one … the messiah … And as we have journeyed to this place , we have heard strange and wonderful stories … of how an angel visited a couple called Elizabeth and Zechariah , a couple married many years without children , and told them that their prayers would be answered and they would be finally blessed with a child … and that their son would have a special purpose … that he would be the one the prophets had spoken of , the one who would prepare the way for the promised Messiah . . We also heard how that same angel visited another woman , a girl called Mary and told her that even without a husband she would have a child … a child who would be the Son of God most high … and when the young woman asked how this could be without a husband , she was told that the power of the Holy Spirit would come upon her … and scared though she must have been … and dangerous though it was in those days to have a child with no husband … the young woman agreed … and conceived a child within her … And so our journey is almost over … for we have come tonight to that town called Bethlehem … we have seen angels appear in the night sky and heard them singing and praising God and telling us that the child has been born and that he is the Saviour and the Messiah … full of wonder we have made our way under the starry sky and through the cold night air to that little stable at the back of an inn … we have pushed our way past the sheep and the cattle and the donkey , so that we may stand shoulder to shoulder with the shepherds … so that we might gaze with them in awe upon a child wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger … And even though in one sense we know exactly who that child is … in another we do not … in our minds tonight he is newly born … we have come to this point of our spiritual journey to meet with that child anew and so we are in a sense meeting him for the very first time … and so we must ask those questions that we always ask when we meet someone for the first time : who are they … what do they do … where do they come from … but the child can not answer for himself … so we must listen to other voices … those who knew him … those who now speak for him … we must listen to what was said by the prophets … by the angels … by his mother … by those came to know him so well … and heard what he had to say … and saw what it was he could do … And listening to those voices , we hear that the name of this child is Jesus … and that while he was born in BethSermon notes : 24 December 2011 ( first Mass of Christmas ) A new report from Duke university indicates that we have underestimated the intelligence of our avian friends . . . so much so that to describe someone as ' bird brained ' may no longer be quite the insult it used to be . As a near - vegan with Franciscan leanings ( don 't ask ! ) I am delighted this news is coming out just before Christmas . . . a time when untold millions of birds are slaughtered . Those of you who will be tucking into some dead bird as part of their seasonal festivities may wish to reflect upon the fact that not only was this a creature that knew pain and suffering before it died . . . but that it may also have been a lot smarter than you thought . . . that it might have known exactly what was going on . . . and desperately did not want to die . . . and also that it is perfectly possible to be healthy and well nourished without any living creature having to die . The Irish Medicines Board has decided against advising women to remove the suspect PIP breast implants . I find that a curious position to take . Presumably they think they are being conservative and prudent in their advise . There is no overwhelming evidence to suggest the silicon in the implants is dangerous ; so they see no reason for women to rush to remove them . As I said in yesterday 's post I have mixed feelings about implants and cosmetic surgery when used for purposes other than reconstructive surgery . However , this silicon gel is not approved for medical use . It seems to me that advising women to wait to see whether or not it is dangerous is akin to asking them to be guinea pigs . The stuff never should have been put into their bodies . So it should be taken out . End of story . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest The implant scare raises all kinds of questions . A lot of the women who had them would have had reconstructive surgery after mastectomies . . . but many more would have had them for cosmetic reasons . . . is body image really so important ? And what drives our idea of what is the ' right ' way for a body to look ? I would have to admit to being deeply uncomfortable about this whole industry . There 's an interesting post about cosmetic surgery here that suggests more than anything that those who submit to it are really trying to fill a gap in their lives that no amount of surgery can fill . Interestingly the French government is offering to pay to remove the implants from all women . . . but only replace them those who had cancer as opposed to those who had them solely for cosmetic purposes . That seems to mind to send out a message about how they view cosmetic surgery . But since as a government they also legislate to allow such procedures , is their response here consistent ? But the merits of implants aside , what kind of people put industrial grade silicon into women bodies instead of medical grade ? The stuff they used was 10 times cheaper - was profit their only consideration ? And even though the company is defunct , the people who ran it are presumably still around - will criminal charges be brought against them ? Troubling also is the attitude of the lawyers for those who had the implants . Since they can 't go after the company , they are planning to go after the clinics - is this right ? Is justice only about going after those with the deepest pockets available as opposed to those who actually did what was wrong ? And what about insurance - shouldn 't companies like this be obliged by law to have policies in place to cover claims that come in even after the company has ceased to trade ? Surely that is common sense . The biggest shock of the story , for me at least , is the numbers of implants involved . This company produced hundreds of thousands , perhaps millions , of implants during its time and it was only the third largest company making them . I had no idea the market was so big . Maybe that shows my naivety . But I also think it speaks volumes about society 's attitude to women . There 's pressure for them to look a certain way - the more they look like a candidate for a page 3 photo - shoot candidate the better - and if they can 't look that way naturally , then surgery and plastic is an acceptable answer . It shouldn 't be . Women , and men , should be able to feel beautiful for just being who they are . . . and to feel lovable and loved without having recourse to the surgeon 's blade . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest House prices are continuing to fall in Ireland . And apparently the rate they are falling at is increasing . Why should this be a surprise ? People are out of work ; the government is taxing everything in sight ; the prospects for the economy are bleak ; the banks are tight when it comes to lending ; and there 's a huge over - supply of housing left over from the building - boom . What people should really be wondering about is why they aren 't falling faster . . . but of course , the reason is that the Irish people are pouring borrowed money into the banks so that they don 't have to force developers to flood the market with houses . That can 't go on forever , so eventually it seems logical that prices must drop further . The truth is , the way things stand there is no reason why property shouldn 't go back to pre - boom levels . Basic supply and demand . Lots of houses plus not much money in the economy equals low prices . But then , since the ' experts ' couldn 't figure out that an endless spiral of price increases fueled by banks willingness to lend ever increasing amounts was bound to end badly , maybe these same experts can 't see the writing on the wall in relation to the current situation now either . And the real irony is that we have people homeless in a country where the government is the effective owner of hundreds of thousands of empty housing units . Maybe irony is the wrong word . Perhaps vanity is closer . Or avarice . Or pride . One thing is sure - whatever is the right word , I 'm pretty sure it must be one that describes a sin , and a serious one at that . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest There is a report out that states that over half the elderly in Ireland go without food or other necessities in order to pay for heat . Our Minister for Energy doesn 't like the sound of that . So how does he deal with the problem ? He denies that it exists . This from a Labour politician , a member of a party that is supposed to stand for justice and equality . Perhaps I shouldn 't be surprised . After all , he is a member of a government that , as shown in the latest budget , that believes in protecting the rich from their mistakes at the expense of the poor and vulnerable . Some years ago , when I worked in a university , I did a little research in an area called Political Marketing . My studies led me to believe that smaller parties inevitably decline after going into government with larger ones . Look at what happened to the Green Party . Remember the Progressive Democrats ? And who among us has anything but the vaguest memories of Democratic Left ? So perhaps the Labour Party will get its comeuppance at the next election . However , that 's cold comfort for the elderly now going without food so they can afford to heat their homes . I had another one this evening , a school one . I admit that I approached it with slight dread . I was already tired after a long day & yet another service with the added bonus of a horde of OPC ( other people 's children ) had me less than enthusiastic . However , I have to say that it was the lift I needed . Shiny little faces , all delighted to be up there singing and reading . Childish voices piping out the familiar words full of innocence and joy . And the moral of the story ? Does there need to be one ? But if there does . . . sometimes relief comes from unexpected sources . . . and sometimes it comes from the ones we should have known to expect it from . Today is the 4th Sunday in Advent , when we traditionally think of the Blessed Virgin , as is seen in our Gospel reading . Having heard the announcement of the angel , Mary 's response is ' how can this be ? ' Gabriel tells her that the Holy Spirit will come upon her . And Mary , despite the fears that she must surely have had says ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Mary 's question is one for us all to hold in our hearts . When we feel God 's call upon us , instead of looking for ways to avoid what we are called to do , instead we must ask instead ' how can this be ? ' And the answer to our question will be , like hers , that God will strengthen us with his Spirit , so that we may also respond in the words that Mary used ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Amen My wife and I spent last night at the Fota Island Resort . It was a bit extravagant , but she had gotten a ' deal ' on one of those online voucher sites . A night in the hotel , a bottle of wine waiting in the very spacious room when we arrived , free passes to the luxury spa , and a very nice breakfast . She had bought the voucher a while back , in anticipation of celebrating some good news , which in the event never came . However , having had some other good news to celebrate which we received earlier this week ( I am to be rector of a parish sometime in the New Year ) , we decided to use it before it expired ( its use - before - date was rapidly approaching ) . I 'm uncomfortable with luxury . It is the kind of thing I could never buy . But once bought , it would kill me to see it wasted . And I have to confess , I really enjoyed the night . It helped that it was the first night in years where sleep was not interrupted by a small child or two visiting us in the middle of the night . We emerged from our stay relaxed and refreshed , which makes it worth it . Not the kind of thing we could or would do often . But worth it as a very occasional treat . The story goes that some years ago , when ecumenical relations were not very far advanced , the Roman Catholic bishop of Cork was informed that his Church of Ireland counterpart had passed away . ' Good , ' he responded . ' So by now he 'll know who the real bishop of Cork is . ' There was a happy gleam in his eye as he contemplated the toasting that his erstwhile rival was now enjoying . Christopher Hitchens has died . One would almost be tempted to adapt the above anecdote to the event . However , that would be churlish . Mr Hitchens , like most atheists , I believe would like to be proved wrong , that they would delight to die and discover that their being had not ceased and that they were in the presence of a loving and compassionate God . Obviously , I wouldn 't agree with the stance he took on religion and a great many other subjects . But I accept that they were sincerely held . And so today my prayers are for him and those who held him dear and mourn his passing . May he rest in peace ( and may he delight in God 's presence ) . Amen . I was at a pre - Christmas lunch today . Young men in an area of socio - economic deprivation were cooking lunch for the vulnerable elderly of their locality in the local youth centre . When they had finished serving to those who were there , they planned to take plates of food to those unable to to leave their homes . These are the young men who will almost certainly never go to university , may never have a full - time job , & are unlikely to own their own home . In our ' economy ' they are considered non - productive , a drain on resources . But this is a lie . They are not the problem , it is a system that fails to cherish all people . We do not live in an economy , we live in a community , which is made up of many smaller communities , and these communities are better places when those who live in them care about each other . These young men understand that . And it makes them wiser than those who run nations and more valuable than those who try to convince us that we are all parts of some vast economic system . Jesus said ' blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth . ' Well , there they are . I wonder what it is that the rest of us shall inherit ? It 's hard to know which is worse in the debate over the new property tax : that the government is bringing in yet another tax that is in no way based on ability to pay ; or that other elected officials are cheering people on to break the law . What 's really cruel about this is that there are people out there who paid fortunes in property tax up - front by way of stamp duty which is not going to be recognised for the purposes of this tax . If the government keeps going on this way , they are going to get a no vote on the Euro zone referendum ( which will be needed , whatever the spin doctors are saying now ) . . . which might mean we 'd be kicked out of the Euro . . . which would mean there was no need to pay the the bond holders so we could ' burn ' them if we wanted . . . which would eliminate the need for all the austerity budgets . . . hmm . . . I wonder if the government knows what it 's doing after all ? Sitting in a cafe in Castlecomer , Co Kilkenny , yesterday , my wife and I watched two young women trying to transport what appeared to be two skip baps balanced on top of a wheel barrow . The load slipped left , the load slipped right , the load slipped forward . One held tight on the handles , the other tried to keep the bags in place . The heavy rain didn 't help ! Sitting snug behind plate glass eating our lunch we found it better than television . The women saw us watching ; we smiled and waved & they smiled back . They clearly knew how funny they must look & didn 't take themselves too seriously . If only more folk were like that , the world would be a far more pleasant place . In this joyful season of Advent , it is good to remember that there are simple pleasures in life , and not just the ones thrown at us by advertisers on tv or in catalogues . Last night , my youngest son climbed into bed with my wife and I . A few minutes later he was asleep , his little face angelic . This morning I threw on a jacket I hadn 't worn in a few weeks . As I did so there was a jingle . I checked the pockets to find several euro in change . Simple things , but they brought a smile to my face . There are simple pleasures in your life also , I 'm sure - may they outweigh any sorrows . . . Amen . First , it was a ministry of presence … John gave up a comfortable life to live in the desert … he showed that material things were not of the first importance … whether clothes … personal appearance … possessions … food … But he also showed that he was not above justice in the material world … he knew that not all could live his life … and when those in authority came to him … soldiers and those who collected taxes for the Romans , he told them to be fair to those they dealt with … be satisfied with your pay and do not extort more … collect only the taxes that you must … a message of social justice without political revolution … he also challenged the religious authorities in a major way … after all , he called them a brood of vipers to their face ! And his challenge to King Herod 's marriage demonstrated his conviction that no one above the moral laws … that wealth and power did not create an entitlement to live in a way that was unacceptable for the rest of society … Looked at in that way , we can see that there were common themes between John 's message and that of Jesus … clearly there were difference … he had nothing like the same power or authority that Jesus displayed … and his ministry essentially came to an end with his death … whereas with Jesus it was his death that truly gave life to his movement … yet nonetheless , he did in a very real way prepare the way for Jesus in his ministry … he prepared the people for the kind of message that Jesus was to preach … and many of Jesus earliest and closed followers had originally been followers of John … or at least had gone out to see and hear and be baptised by him … I said at the beginning that John would have found joy in his role … I think we also should rejoice in what it was that John did … even as we rejoice in the memory of Jesus ' first coming … and indeed rejoice in the thought that he will come again … and especially rejoice in the thought that with God 's grace we can play our part also in making ourselves and all others ready for that glorious second coming … which is my prayer for all God 's children at this joyous time of year … Amen . I have to admit to be a little under - informed when it comes to matters occult . The announcement regarding the find of a witches cottage in Pendle this week took me by surprise . . . mainly because I had never heard of Pendle nor its famous association with witchcraft . A quick look at wikopdedia soon had me up to speed . . . my first thought when reading about the trials and subsequent executions was ' how sad . ' Some were most probably the victims of hysteria . Also , I do not believe in the death penalty . And I rather suspect that these so called witches were either deluding themselves or deliberately deceiving others into thinking they could do magic for their own ends . However , those who thought themselves ' witches ' or portrayed themselves as such would have been morally guilty of the crimes for which they were executed . Those who thought they had powers and tried to use them were guilty in the same way a person who points a gun and pulls the trigger only to discover the gun is empty is morally guilty of the crime they intended . And those who were only pretending not only were deliberately trying to terrify people for money or power , but they knew knew what they were doing was against the law of the land , carrying severe penalties , up to and including death . . . as did those who really believed . Both groups received justice according to the reckoning of the times they lived in . The past really is a different country ! I think the best we can do for those who suffered , either innocently or not so innocently , is learn the importance of learning from past mistakes and trying to mete out justice as fairly as we can . . . and perhaps be very slow to hand out punishments which , if we are later proved wrong , we can do nothing to correct . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest I 've always rather loved today 's Gospel reading because of the way it shows up a certain kind of critic for what they are . In the passage Jesus points out that people were critical of John the Baptist for being an ascetic and yet the same people criticise him for not being one . Basically it underscores people 's ability to find fault when they wish to . . . even if the fault they find today is in direct contradiction of the fault they found yesterday or will most certainly find tomorrow ! Think of that when next you hear someone complaining about the Church or Christianity or religion in general . Is what they are saying valid or is it rooted in the speaker 's own biases and prejudices ? It is hard to imagine any two people less deserving of criticism and yet not only did Jesus and John have critics but the criticism was the prelude to their judicial murder . Something to keep in mind when next you hear others voicing complaints against those you know in your heart to be Godly people . John the Baptist ( or John the Forerunner ) is , naturally , a prominent figure in our readings in Advent . I wonder what he would make of the economic chaos the world is facing ? He cared nothing for material things for himself . Yet he thought those in authority , in his time soldiers & tax - publicans should not to take advantage of their position to the disadvantage of others . And he thought common morality applied as much to kings as anyone . . . and was not afraid to tell them so to their face . And when he was in prison for his uncompromising faith and preaching his main concern was the his ministry , the Messiah , & God 's will . Matters of high finance are not my area of expertise . Yet it seems common sense that our financial crisis is as a result of what can only be termed the gambling of those who do consider themselves experts in that field . The government , for reasons best known to themselves , decided to national the debt that resulted from their speculations when it all went wrong ( having lightly taxed the profits when all was going well ) . And now spending cuts and higher taxes are being made to pay off that debt in a manner that will disproportionately affect those who are poorest in our society . I was at the switching on of the Christmas lights in a small town over the weekend . As I stood in the crowd I overheard the conversation of two women near me . One couldn 't make out what the local dignatary was saying in their speech before the switch was thrown . Her friend could & offered to tell her what was being said . Both laughed . I don 't know the women , so I don 't know the context of the remark . Was she being ironic , knowing full well that the chances that any reference to religion on such an occassion in modern Ireland were very remote ? Or was she serious , truly thinking that to have any reminder of religion would in some way ' spoil ' things ? This is the time of year when we normally talk about John the Baptist … he is mentioned in the readings for both this Sunday and next … and this is perhaps not a surprising thing to do in the Season of Advent … the time when we think about the coming of Christ into the world … for John is the one whom Christian tradition holds was the one who came before Christ to prepare the way … Eastern Orthodoxy indeed refers to him as John the Forerunner more commonly than as John the Baptist … So I thought it appropriate to talk a little bit about John today … Firstly we know he came from a very religious family . Both his mother and father were descendants of Aaron … so they were a priestly family on both sides … his father was a priest who served in the Temple … and so too most probably were his male relatives on both sides … not only that , but St Luke 's Gospel tells us that both his parents were righteous people , devout , who kept all of God 's laws … also we see both of them speaking prophetically in that Gospel … his father , Zechariah has a vision with an angel & later speaks prophetically about his son ; and his mother Elizabeth speaks prophetically on the occasion of the visit to her by the Blessed Virgin Mary … Priests like Zechariah did not do that work full time … he belonged to one of 24 priestly divisions & each division took turns spending a week at at time in the temple offering incense … he would have been in the temple for one week about twice a year … and then all the divisions would be there for the major festivals … but we have no hint of what Zechariah did the rest of the year … but it seems that he was able to afford to take several weeks off a year … so probably not a day labourer … but he probably wasn 't too wealthy … the kinsman of his wife Elizabeth was to marry a carpenter … and families of the time tended to stay within their own economic & social standing … and we know that Mary came and stayed for three months while Elizabeth was expecting … probably to help out … which means they probably couldn 't afford to hire someone … so not wealthy but not on the poverty line … perhaps a skilled craftsman of some sort … or given that the hill country of Judah where they lived was a fertile area , filled with small vineyards , olive groves , and small farms , perhaps he had his own small plot of land which he worked … So John would have grown up in the rural setting of the Judean hill country … not too far from Jerusalem … in a family where the religious traditions of their people were held in particular signifPerhaps it was a life that he didn 't find so strange … all the prophets that had gone before him had pointed to the life of this person … the history of all the people of Israel … every generation since Adam , had been designed to prepare the world for the coming of the Messiah … so perhaps it gave him peace and contentment knowing that he was the last in a long line of those who had gone before … and perhaps he also found peace and joy in the knowledge that there would soon come a time when all those who followed the one he went before would also be called to live a life that was much the same , in spirit if not materially … that they also would be called to go before all the world proclaiming the Messiah … leading lives that were designed to prepare themselves and others for the time he would come … not for the first time but the second … I think he did find peace and joy and comfort in those thoughts or ones like them … and so may we … so that even as we prepare ourselves spiritually in this season of Advent we remember our task to be like John in preparing the world for the coming of its Messiah … something that I pray that I , & you , and all God 's children may have the strength and courage to do . Amen . In our Gospel today we hear the story of two blind men healed by Jesus . In the Gospels the idea of blindness always carries with it the sense of the literal , as a physical disability , & the metaphorical , in the sense of spiritual blindness . Often in the Gospels those who are physically blind are spiritually better able to see than many of their peers . In today 's passage , they were following Jesus . . . two blind men were able to follow him down the road , calling out after him , according him a Messianic title , and asking for his mercy . Though blind , they knew who he truly was ; Jesus the Christ . . . the one whom even the blind can easily follow if they are spiritually open , if they will but see through the eyes of faith . Amen . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest In our Gospel reading today , Jesus speaks of the importance of having a solid foundation . For his listeners , the solid rock on which to base their faith was the words which he spoke to them and the revelation which was the Word made flesh , his presence among them . For us , it is the words of scripture , his body the Church , and his presence among us still which he promised . Though it may be tempting to wish that we walked in Gospel times and spoke with him face to face , there is no need to be envious of those first disciples . As Jesus said to Thomas : blessed are those who have not seen , and yet believed . Amen . If you enjoyed this post , please hit ' SHARE ' or ' LIKE ' so your friends can enjoy it as well . And if you like this blog , then please accept my invitation to FOLLOW it . Want to know when the latest posts are available ? Just subscribe to follow by email below ! Hi , I 'm Paddy ( the Rev Patrick G . Burke ) , a priest in the Church of Ireland . The title of the blog is from a description of me in a letter my grandmother wrote to my mother in 1965 when I was three ! May God richly bless you and those whom you love today and everyday . Amen . The arctic ice caps are melting . Colour me confused on the whole global warming thing . My having a degree in geography doesn 't help much . It does help understand the sc . . . ' Talk to me about Padre Pio . ' The woman had recently been bereaved . She wasn 't a parishioner , but I 'd call in for a chat a . . .

In our home , like many homes , we have our own little Christmas traditions … some are fairly ordinary , like having the youngest child put the star on the Christmas tree … and I can tell you that now that Malachi is 4 and a half , it was no joke lifting him high enough to reach the top of the 7 - foot tree we bought at the parish Christmas fair … others are fairly unique … my wife and I have a large star of David made of cardboard and covered in tinfoil with stickers from the nativity scene stuck on … we made it with the children in the emergency shelter we were house - parents in over 20 years ago and we have carefully carried it with us from house to house since … and every year we place it atop our Christmas tree … another of our traditions involves stories … in the box with the decorations that go up into the attic are some books on the theme of Christmas … there is ' the little Christmas tree ' by ee cummings … ' how the Grinch stole Christmas ' by De Seus … or how he didn 't steal it as Malachi likes to point out … and ' the night before Christmas ' by Clement Clark More … in our house it is a special tradition that on Christmas eve I read that story to our boys … Because stories are important , I think … and they are a special part of our Christian tradition … every year as we work our way through the Church calender we tell special stories at certain times of the years in our readings in Church … on Saints days , if they are people who are part of the Bible story , we read from those parts of the Bible where they are mentioned … at times such as Pentecost , or the transfiguration , or the Baptism of our Lord , we read those stories … during Holy Week and Easter we read about the events leading up to the death of Jesus , his crucifixion , burial , and resurrection … and at Christmas we read the different stories that led up to the Nativity of our Lord … We don 't have time to go over all of the stories this morning … or rather , we do , but I might be held responsible for a great many latThere is the Christmas story of Joseph … an honest , hard - working carpenter … a righteous man whose heart was perhaps broken when he discovered that the young woman he loved was going to have a baby and that he was not the father … a kind man whose first impulse was not to punish the girl for betraying him , but to end the relationship quietly , privately , to spare her from public disgrace … a man of faith , who believed the word of God that came to him in a dream that Mary had done nothing wrong … who took the woman and her child into his home … who protected them from harm , even to the extent of fleeing with them to Egypt to protect them from Herod 's soldiers … who provided for them , and cared for them , and loved the child as if he was his own son … There is also the Christmas story of Mary … the young women who is told by an angel that she is going to have a baby and that no human man will be the father … if what we know about the time and place in which she lived , she must have been very young , perhaps only 14 or 15 … and yet , she doesn 't ask what will happen to her when people find out … she doesn 't ask if anyone will believe her unlikely sounding story … she doesn 't ask who will look after her and the baby … she simply says that she will do what God asks … and then shows what a kind and good - hearted young woman she must have been by going at once to look after her cousin Elizabeth , who is also expecting a baby … There are many other Christmas stories we could tell … that of Elizabeth and Zechariah and their baby John … that of an inn - keeper kind enough to let poor travellers use his stable even when the inn was full … that of shepherds who heard the song of angels as they huddled for warmth around a small fire on a cold hillside … even that of Herod , a man so obsessed with power that he would stop at nothing to retain his grasp on it , even if it meant defying the will of God spoken by the prophets and killing children … But all these stories , varied though they are , have something in common … they are all human stories … the stories of ordinary human beings like you and I to whom something extraordinary happened … a profound encounter with the divine that changed their lives forever … which is very appropriate at this Christmas time when we remember how the human and the divine became inextricably intertwined when the Word became flesh and the son of God was born as Mary 's Son and God entered into the world , fully man and fully God , as the baby Jesus … and because that happened , when we hear the stories of Joseph and Mary and Elizabeth and all the others , we know that what happened then is not only that happened to other people in a place far away and long ago … we know that it was when the story of God and the story of humanity became visibly one … that this is a story that we are part of also … the eternal story of how God loved us all so much that he sent his Son into the world for us … Christmas comes but once a year , the old saying goes … but this Christmas I pray that you will know that you and all others will know that you are part of the Christmas story not just today but everyday … so that the joy of the Christmas season , that Merry Christmas I wished you when I began , will be yours throughout the year and all through your life from the day of your baptism and every day of your life … Amen . During the season of Advent we have been on a journey … a spiritual journey … one where we make our way in our hearts and minds to a little town … a town located in a time and place very different from our own … a time of kings like Herod who had the power of life and death over his people … a time when the Roman Empire controlled all the known world by the power of it armies … a time when travel was by foot or on the back of an animal or in a boat powered by sails or oars … a time when communications were limited to what one person might tell another face to face … where few could write and a letter had to be hand - carried to its destination and could take months to get there … a time when diseases we think of today as minor were life - threatening … we have travelled to a dusty almost desert land , where there is little water and eking out a living is hard … where most of the people live in abject poverty … a place conquered by the Roman soldiers not because it has fertile land or is rich in natural resources like timber or gold but because it is on the main land route between Rome and Egypt , the place where most of the Capital 's food comes from … a place where even though the people are poor , they are proud … because they know themselves to be a people chosen by God … and even though they are oppressed by the most powerful and ruthless military force their world has ever known , they are not without hope … because they know that God will one day send them a Saviour … he will send them his anointed one … the messiah … And as we have journeyed to this place , we have heard strange and wonderful stories … of how an angel visited a couple called Elizabeth and Zechariah , a couple married many years without children , and told them that their prayers would be answered and they would be finally blessed with a child … and that their son would have a special purpose … that he would be the one the prophets had spoken of , the one who would prepare the way for the promised Messiah . . We also heard how that same angel visited another woman , a girl called Mary and told her that even without a husband she would have a child … a child who would be the Son of God most high … and when the young woman asked how this could be without a husband , she was told that the power of the Holy Spirit would come upon her … and scared though she must have been … and dangerous though it was in those days to have a child with no husband … the young woman agreed … and conceived a child within her … And so our journey is almost over … for we have come tonight to that town called Bethlehem … we have seen angels appear in the night sky and heard them singing and praising God and telling us that the child has been born and that he is the Saviour and the Messiah … full of wonder we have made our way under the starry sky and through the cold night air to that little stable at the back of an inn … we have pushed our way past the sheep and the cattle and the donkey , so that we may stand shoulder to shoulder with the shepherds … so that we might gaze with them in awe upon a child wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger … And even though in one sense we know exactly who that child is … in another we do not … in our minds tonight he is newly born … we have come to this point of our spiritual journey to meet with that child anew and so we are in a sense meeting him for the very first time … and so we must ask those questions that we always ask when we meet someone for the first time : who are they … what do they do … where do they come from … but the child can not answer for himself … so we must listen to other voices … those who knew him … those who now speak for him … we must listen to what was said by the prophets … by the angels … by his mother … by those came to know him so well … and heard what he had to say … and saw what it was he could do … And listening to those voices , we hear that the name of this child is Jesus … and that while he was born in BethSermon notes : 24 December 2011 ( first Mass of Christmas ) A new report from Duke university indicates that we have underestimated the intelligence of our avian friends . . . so much so that to describe someone as ' bird brained ' may no longer be quite the insult it used to be . As a near - vegan with Franciscan leanings ( don 't ask ! ) I am delighted this news is coming out just before Christmas . . . a time when untold millions of birds are slaughtered . Those of you who will be tucking into some dead bird as part of their seasonal festivities may wish to reflect upon the fact that not only was this a creature that knew pain and suffering before it died . . . but that it may also have been a lot smarter than you thought . . . that it might have known exactly what was going on . . . and desperately did not want to die . . . and also that it is perfectly possible to be healthy and well nourished without any living creature having to die . The Irish Medicines Board has decided against advising women to remove the suspect PIP breast implants . I find that a curious position to take . Presumably they think they are being conservative and prudent in their advise . There is no overwhelming evidence to suggest the silicon in the implants is dangerous ; so they see no reason for women to rush to remove them . As I said in yesterday 's post I have mixed feelings about implants and cosmetic surgery when used for purposes other than reconstructive surgery . However , this silicon gel is not approved for medical use . It seems to me that advising women to wait to see whether or not it is dangerous is akin to asking them to be guinea pigs . The stuff never should have been put into their bodies . So it should be taken out . End of story . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest The implant scare raises all kinds of questions . A lot of the women who had them would have had reconstructive surgery after mastectomies . . . but many more would have had them for cosmetic reasons . . . is body image really so important ? And what drives our idea of what is the ' right ' way for a body to look ? I would have to admit to being deeply uncomfortable about this whole industry . There 's an interesting post about cosmetic surgery here that suggests more than anything that those who submit to it are really trying to fill a gap in their lives that no amount of surgery can fill . Interestingly the French government is offering to pay to remove the implants from all women . . . but only replace them those who had cancer as opposed to those who had them solely for cosmetic purposes . That seems to mind to send out a message about how they view cosmetic surgery . But since as a government they also legislate to allow such procedures , is their response here consistent ? But the merits of implants aside , what kind of people put industrial grade silicon into women bodies instead of medical grade ? The stuff they used was 10 times cheaper - was profit their only consideration ? And even though the company is defunct , the people who ran it are presumably still around - will criminal charges be brought against them ? Troubling also is the attitude of the lawyers for those who had the implants . Since they can 't go after the company , they are planning to go after the clinics - is this right ? Is justice only about going after those with the deepest pockets available as opposed to those who actually did what was wrong ? And what about insurance - shouldn 't companies like this be obliged by law to have policies in place to cover claims that come in even after the company has ceased to trade ? Surely that is common sense . The biggest shock of the story , for me at least , is the numbers of implants involved . This company produced hundreds of thousands , perhaps millions , of implants during its time and it was only the third largest company making them . I had no idea the market was so big . Maybe that shows my naivety . But I also think it speaks volumes about society 's attitude to women . There 's pressure for them to look a certain way - the more they look like a candidate for a page 3 photo - shoot candidate the better - and if they can 't look that way naturally , then surgery and plastic is an acceptable answer . It shouldn 't be . Women , and men , should be able to feel beautiful for just being who they are . . . and to feel lovable and loved without having recourse to the surgeon 's blade . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest House prices are continuing to fall in Ireland . And apparently the rate they are falling at is increasing . Why should this be a surprise ? People are out of work ; the government is taxing everything in sight ; the prospects for the economy are bleak ; the banks are tight when it comes to lending ; and there 's a huge over - supply of housing left over from the building - boom . What people should really be wondering about is why they aren 't falling faster . . . but of course , the reason is that the Irish people are pouring borrowed money into the banks so that they don 't have to force developers to flood the market with houses . That can 't go on forever , so eventually it seems logical that prices must drop further . The truth is , the way things stand there is no reason why property shouldn 't go back to pre - boom levels . Basic supply and demand . Lots of houses plus not much money in the economy equals low prices . But then , since the ' experts ' couldn 't figure out that an endless spiral of price increases fueled by banks willingness to lend ever increasing amounts was bound to end badly , maybe these same experts can 't see the writing on the wall in relation to the current situation now either . And the real irony is that we have people homeless in a country where the government is the effective owner of hundreds of thousands of empty housing units . Maybe irony is the wrong word . Perhaps vanity is closer . Or avarice . Or pride . One thing is sure - whatever is the right word , I 'm pretty sure it must be one that describes a sin , and a serious one at that . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest There is a report out that states that over half the elderly in Ireland go without food or other necessities in order to pay for heat . Our Minister for Energy doesn 't like the sound of that . So how does he deal with the problem ? He denies that it exists . This from a Labour politician , a member of a party that is supposed to stand for justice and equality . Perhaps I shouldn 't be surprised . After all , he is a member of a government that , as shown in the latest budget , that believes in protecting the rich from their mistakes at the expense of the poor and vulnerable . Some years ago , when I worked in a university , I did a little research in an area called Political Marketing . My studies led me to believe that smaller parties inevitably decline after going into government with larger ones . Look at what happened to the Green Party . Remember the Progressive Democrats ? And who among us has anything but the vaguest memories of Democratic Left ? So perhaps the Labour Party will get its comeuppance at the next election . However , that 's cold comfort for the elderly now going without food so they can afford to heat their homes . I had another one this evening , a school one . I admit that I approached it with slight dread . I was already tired after a long day & yet another service with the added bonus of a horde of OPC ( other people 's children ) had me less than enthusiastic . However , I have to say that it was the lift I needed . Shiny little faces , all delighted to be up there singing and reading . Childish voices piping out the familiar words full of innocence and joy . And the moral of the story ? Does there need to be one ? But if there does . . . sometimes relief comes from unexpected sources . . . and sometimes it comes from the ones we should have known to expect it from . Today is the 4th Sunday in Advent , when we traditionally think of the Blessed Virgin , as is seen in our Gospel reading . Having heard the announcement of the angel , Mary 's response is ' how can this be ? ' Gabriel tells her that the Holy Spirit will come upon her . And Mary , despite the fears that she must surely have had says ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Mary 's question is one for us all to hold in our hearts . When we feel God 's call upon us , instead of looking for ways to avoid what we are called to do , instead we must ask instead ' how can this be ? ' And the answer to our question will be , like hers , that God will strengthen us with his Spirit , so that we may also respond in the words that Mary used ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Amen My wife and I spent last night at the Fota Island Resort . It was a bit extravagant , but she had gotten a ' deal ' on one of those online voucher sites . A night in the hotel , a bottle of wine waiting in the very spacious room when we arrived , free passes to the luxury spa , and a very nice breakfast . She had bought the voucher a while back , in anticipation of celebrating some good news , which in the event never came . However , having had some other good news to celebrate which we received earlier this week ( I am to be rector of a parish sometime in the New Year ) , we decided to use it before it expired ( its use - before - date was rapidly approaching ) . I 'm uncomfortable with luxury . It is the kind of thing I could never buy . But once bought , it would kill me to see it wasted . And I have to confess , I really enjoyed the night . It helped that it was the first night in years where sleep was not interrupted by a small child or two visiting us in the middle of the night . We emerged from our stay relaxed and refreshed , which makes it worth it . Not the kind of thing we could or would do often . But worth it as a very occasional treat . The story goes that some years ago , when ecumenical relations were not very far advanced , the Roman Catholic bishop of Cork was informed that his Church of Ireland counterpart had passed away . ' Good , ' he responded . ' So by now he 'll know who the real bishop of Cork is . ' There was a happy gleam in his eye as he contemplated the toasting that his erstwhile rival was now enjoying . Christopher Hitchens has died . One would almost be tempted to adapt the above anecdote to the event . However , that would be churlish . Mr Hitchens , like most atheists , I believe would like to be proved wrong , that they would delight to die and discover that their being had not ceased and that they were in the presence of a loving and compassionate God . Obviously , I wouldn 't agree with the stance he took on religion and a great many other subjects . But I accept that they were sincerely held . And so today my prayers are for him and those who held him dear and mourn his passing . May he rest in peace ( and may he delight in God 's presence ) . Amen . I was at a pre - Christmas lunch today . Young men in an area of socio - economic deprivation were cooking lunch for the vulnerable elderly of their locality in the local youth centre . When they had finished serving to those who were there , they planned to take plates of food to those unable to to leave their homes . These are the young men who will almost certainly never go to university , may never have a full - time job , & are unlikely to own their own home . In our ' economy ' they are considered non - productive , a drain on resources . But this is a lie . They are not the problem , it is a system that fails to cherish all people . We do not live in an economy , we live in a community , which is made up of many smaller communities , and these communities are better places when those who live in them care about each other . These young men understand that . And it makes them wiser than those who run nations and more valuable than those who try to convince us that we are all parts of some vast economic system . Jesus said ' blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth . ' Well , there they are . I wonder what it is that the rest of us shall inherit ? It 's hard to know which is worse in the debate over the new property tax : that the government is bringing in yet another tax that is in no way based on ability to pay ; or that other elected officials are cheering people on to break the law . What 's really cruel about this is that there are people out there who paid fortunes in property tax up - front by way of stamp duty which is not going to be recognised for the purposes of this tax . If the government keeps going on this way , they are going to get a no vote on the Euro zone referendum ( which will be needed , whatever the spin doctors are saying now ) . . . which might mean we 'd be kicked out of the Euro . . . which would mean there was no need to pay the the bond holders so we could ' burn ' them if we wanted . . . which would eliminate the need for all the austerity budgets . . . hmm . . . I wonder if the government knows what it 's doing after all ? Sitting in a cafe in Castlecomer , Co Kilkenny , yesterday , my wife and I watched two young women trying to transport what appeared to be two skip baps balanced on top of a wheel barrow . The load slipped left , the load slipped right , the load slipped forward . One held tight on the handles , the other tried to keep the bags in place . The heavy rain didn 't help ! Sitting snug behind plate glass eating our lunch we found it better than television . The women saw us watching ; we smiled and waved & they smiled back . They clearly knew how funny they must look & didn 't take themselves too seriously . If only more folk were like that , the world would be a far more pleasant place . In this joyful season of Advent , it is good to remember that there are simple pleasures in life , and not just the ones thrown at us by advertisers on tv or in catalogues . Last night , my youngest son climbed into bed with my wife and I . A few minutes later he was asleep , his little face angelic . This morning I threw on a jacket I hadn 't worn in a few weeks . As I did so there was a jingle . I checked the pockets to find several euro in change . Simple things , but they brought a smile to my face . There are simple pleasures in your life also , I 'm sure - may they outweigh any sorrows . . . Amen . First , it was a ministry of presence … John gave up a comfortable life to live in the desert … he showed that material things were not of the first importance … whether clothes … personal appearance … possessions … food … But he also showed that he was not above justice in the material world … he knew that not all could live his life … and when those in authority came to him … soldiers and those who collected taxes for the Romans , he told them to be fair to those they dealt with … be satisfied with your pay and do not extort more … collect only the taxes that you must … a message of social justice without political revolution … he also challenged the religious authorities in a major way … after all , he called them a brood of vipers to their face ! And his challenge to King Herod 's marriage demonstrated his conviction that no one above the moral laws … that wealth and power did not create an entitlement to live in a way that was unacceptable for the rest of society … Looked at in that way , we can see that there were common themes between John 's message and that of Jesus … clearly there were difference … he had nothing like the same power or authority that Jesus displayed … and his ministry essentially came to an end with his death … whereas with Jesus it was his death that truly gave life to his movement … yet nonetheless , he did in a very real way prepare the way for Jesus in his ministry … he prepared the people for the kind of message that Jesus was to preach … and many of Jesus earliest and closed followers had originally been followers of John … or at least had gone out to see and hear and be baptised by him … I said at the beginning that John would have found joy in his role … I think we also should rejoice in what it was that John did … even as we rejoice in the memory of Jesus ' first coming … and indeed rejoice in the thought that he will come again … and especially rejoice in the thought that with God 's grace we can play our part also in making ourselves and all others ready for that glorious second coming … which is my prayer for all God 's children at this joyous time of year … Amen . I have to admit to be a little under - informed when it comes to matters occult . The announcement regarding the find of a witches cottage in Pendle this week took me by surprise . . . mainly because I had never heard of Pendle nor its famous association with witchcraft . A quick look at wikopdedia soon had me up to speed . . . my first thought when reading about the trials and subsequent executions was ' how sad . ' Some were most probably the victims of hysteria . Also , I do not believe in the death penalty . And I rather suspect that these so called witches were either deluding themselves or deliberately deceiving others into thinking they could do magic for their own ends . However , those who thought themselves ' witches ' or portrayed themselves as such would have been morally guilty of the crimes for which they were executed . Those who thought they had powers and tried to use them were guilty in the same way a person who points a gun and pulls the trigger only to discover the gun is empty is morally guilty of the crime they intended . And those who were only pretending not only were deliberately trying to terrify people for money or power , but they knew knew what they were doing was against the law of the land , carrying severe penalties , up to and including death . . . as did those who really believed . Both groups received justice according to the reckoning of the times they lived in . The past really is a different country ! I think the best we can do for those who suffered , either innocently or not so innocently , is learn the importance of learning from past mistakes and trying to mete out justice as fairly as we can . . . and perhaps be very slow to hand out punishments which , if we are later proved wrong , we can do nothing to correct . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest I 've always rather loved today 's Gospel reading because of the way it shows up a certain kind of critic for what they are . In the passage Jesus points out that people were critical of John the Baptist for being an ascetic and yet the same people criticise him for not being one . Basically it underscores people 's ability to find fault when they wish to . . . even if the fault they find today is in direct contradiction of the fault they found yesterday or will most certainly find tomorrow ! Think of that when next you hear someone complaining about the Church or Christianity or religion in general . Is what they are saying valid or is it rooted in the speaker 's own biases and prejudices ? It is hard to imagine any two people less deserving of criticism and yet not only did Jesus and John have critics but the criticism was the prelude to their judicial murder . Something to keep in mind when next you hear others voicing complaints against those you know in your heart to be Godly people . John the Baptist ( or John the Forerunner ) is , naturally , a prominent figure in our readings in Advent . I wonder what he would make of the economic chaos the world is facing ? He cared nothing for material things for himself . Yet he thought those in authority , in his time soldiers & tax - publicans should not to take advantage of their position to the disadvantage of others . And he thought common morality applied as much to kings as anyone . . . and was not afraid to tell them so to their face . And when he was in prison for his uncompromising faith and preaching his main concern was the his ministry , the Messiah , & God 's will . Matters of high finance are not my area of expertise . Yet it seems common sense that our financial crisis is as a result of what can only be termed the gambling of those who do consider themselves experts in that field . The government , for reasons best known to themselves , decided to national the debt that resulted from their speculations when it all went wrong ( having lightly taxed the profits when all was going well ) . And now spending cuts and higher taxes are being made to pay off that debt in a manner that will disproportionately affect those who are poorest in our society . I was at the switching on of the Christmas lights in a small town over the weekend . As I stood in the crowd I overheard the conversation of two women near me . One couldn 't make out what the local dignatary was saying in their speech before the switch was thrown . Her friend could & offered to tell her what was being said . Both laughed . I don 't know the women , so I don 't know the context of the remark . Was she being ironic , knowing full well that the chances that any reference to religion on such an occassion in modern Ireland were very remote ? Or was she serious , truly thinking that to have any reminder of religion would in some way ' spoil ' things ? This is the time of year when we normally talk about John the Baptist … he is mentioned in the readings for both this Sunday and next … and this is perhaps not a surprising thing to do in the Season of Advent … the time when we think about the coming of Christ into the world … for John is the one whom Christian tradition holds was the one who came before Christ to prepare the way … Eastern Orthodoxy indeed refers to him as John the Forerunner more commonly than as John the Baptist … So I thought it appropriate to talk a little bit about John today … Firstly we know he came from a very religious family . Both his mother and father were descendants of Aaron … so they were a priestly family on both sides … his father was a priest who served in the Temple … and so too most probably were his male relatives on both sides … not only that , but St Luke 's Gospel tells us that both his parents were righteous people , devout , who kept all of God 's laws … also we see both of them speaking prophetically in that Gospel … his father , Zechariah has a vision with an angel & later speaks prophetically about his son ; and his mother Elizabeth speaks prophetically on the occasion of the visit to her by the Blessed Virgin Mary … Priests like Zechariah did not do that work full time … he belonged to one of 24 priestly divisions & each division took turns spending a week at at time in the temple offering incense … he would have been in the temple for one week about twice a year … and then all the divisions would be there for the major festivals … but we have no hint of what Zechariah did the rest of the year … but it seems that he was able to afford to take several weeks off a year … so probably not a day labourer … but he probably wasn 't too wealthy … the kinsman of his wife Elizabeth was to marry a carpenter … and families of the time tended to stay within their own economic & social standing … and we know that Mary came and stayed for three months while Elizabeth was expecting … probably to help out … which means they probably couldn 't afford to hire someone … so not wealthy but not on the poverty line … perhaps a skilled craftsman of some sort … or given that the hill country of Judah where they lived was a fertile area , filled with small vineyards , olive groves , and small farms , perhaps he had his own small plot of land which he worked … So John would have grown up in the rural setting of the Judean hill country … not too far from Jerusalem … in a family where the religious traditions of their people were held in particular signifPerhaps it was a life that he didn 't find so strange … all the prophets that had gone before him had pointed to the life of this person … the history of all the people of Israel … every generation since Adam , had been designed to prepare the world for the coming of the Messiah … so perhaps it gave him peace and contentment knowing that he was the last in a long line of those who had gone before … and perhaps he also found peace and joy in the knowledge that there would soon come a time when all those who followed the one he went before would also be called to live a life that was much the same , in spirit if not materially … that they also would be called to go before all the world proclaiming the Messiah … leading lives that were designed to prepare themselves and others for the time he would come … not for the first time but the second … I think he did find peace and joy and comfort in those thoughts or ones like them … and so may we … so that even as we prepare ourselves spiritually in this season of Advent we remember our task to be like John in preparing the world for the coming of its Messiah … something that I pray that I , & you , and all God 's children may have the strength and courage to do . Amen . In our Gospel today we hear the story of two blind men healed by Jesus . In the Gospels the idea of blindness always carries with it the sense of the literal , as a physical disability , & the metaphorical , in the sense of spiritual blindness . Often in the Gospels those who are physically blind are spiritually better able to see than many of their peers . In today 's passage , they were following Jesus . . . two blind men were able to follow him down the road , calling out after him , according him a Messianic title , and asking for his mercy . Though blind , they knew who he truly was ; Jesus the Christ . . . the one whom even the blind can easily follow if they are spiritually open , if they will but see through the eyes of faith . Amen . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest In our Gospel reading today , Jesus speaks of the importance of having a solid foundation . For his listeners , the solid rock on which to base their faith was the words which he spoke to them and the revelation which was the Word made flesh , his presence among them . For us , it is the words of scripture , his body the Church , and his presence among us still which he promised . Though it may be tempting to wish that we walked in Gospel times and spoke with him face to face , there is no need to be envious of those first disciples . As Jesus said to Thomas : blessed are those who have not seen , and yet believed . Amen . If you enjoyed this post , please hit ' SHARE ' or ' LIKE ' so your friends can enjoy it as well . And if you like this blog , then please accept my invitation to FOLLOW it . Want to know when the latest posts are available ? Just subscribe to follow by email below ! Hi , I 'm Paddy ( the Rev Patrick G . Burke ) , a priest in the Church of Ireland . The title of the blog is from a description of me in a letter my grandmother wrote to my mother in 1965 when I was three ! May God richly bless you and those whom you love today and everyday . Amen . The arctic ice caps are melting . Colour me confused on the whole global warming thing . My having a degree in geography doesn 't help much . It does help understand the sc . . . ' Talk to me about Padre Pio . ' The woman had recently been bereaved . She wasn 't a parishioner , but I 'd call in for a chat a . . .

In our home , like many homes , we have our own little Christmas traditions … some are fairly ordinary , like having the youngest child put the star on the Christmas tree … and I can tell you that now that Malachi is 4 and a half , it was no joke lifting him high enough to reach the top of the 7 - foot tree we bought at the parish Christmas fair … others are fairly unique … my wife and I have a large star of David made of cardboard and covered in tinfoil with stickers from the nativity scene stuck on … we made it with the children in the emergency shelter we were house - parents in over 20 years ago and we have carefully carried it with us from house to house since … and every year we place it atop our Christmas tree … another of our traditions involves stories … in the box with the decorations that go up into the attic are some books on the theme of Christmas … there is ' the little Christmas tree ' by ee cummings … ' how the Grinch stole Christmas ' by De Seus … or how he didn 't steal it as Malachi likes to point out … and ' the night before Christmas ' by Clement Clark More … in our house it is a special tradition that on Christmas eve I read that story to our boys … Because stories are important , I think … and they are a special part of our Christian tradition … every year as we work our way through the Church calender we tell special stories at certain times of the years in our readings in Church … on Saints days , if they are people who are part of the Bible story , we read from those parts of the Bible where they are mentioned … at times such as Pentecost , or the transfiguration , or the Baptism of our Lord , we read those stories … during Holy Week and Easter we read about the events leading up to the death of Jesus , his crucifixion , burial , and resurrection … and at Christmas we read the different stories that led up to the Nativity of our Lord … We don 't have time to go over all of the stories this morning … or rather , we do , but I might be held responsible for a great many latThere is the Christmas story of Joseph … an honest , hard - working carpenter … a righteous man whose heart was perhaps broken when he discovered that the young woman he loved was going to have a baby and that he was not the father … a kind man whose first impulse was not to punish the girl for betraying him , but to end the relationship quietly , privately , to spare her from public disgrace … a man of faith , who believed the word of God that came to him in a dream that Mary had done nothing wrong … who took the woman and her child into his home … who protected them from harm , even to the extent of fleeing with them to Egypt to protect them from Herod 's soldiers … who provided for them , and cared for them , and loved the child as if he was his own son … There is also the Christmas story of Mary … the young women who is told by an angel that she is going to have a baby and that no human man will be the father … if what we know about the time and place in which she lived , she must have been very young , perhaps only 14 or 15 … and yet , she doesn 't ask what will happen to her when people find out … she doesn 't ask if anyone will believe her unlikely sounding story … she doesn 't ask who will look after her and the baby … she simply says that she will do what God asks … and then shows what a kind and good - hearted young woman she must have been by going at once to look after her cousin Elizabeth , who is also expecting a baby … There are many other Christmas stories we could tell … that of Elizabeth and Zechariah and their baby John … that of an inn - keeper kind enough to let poor travellers use his stable even when the inn was full … that of shepherds who heard the song of angels as they huddled for warmth around a small fire on a cold hillside … even that of Herod , a man so obsessed with power that he would stop at nothing to retain his grasp on it , even if it meant defying the will of God spoken by the prophets and killing children … But all these stories , varied though they are , have something in common … they are all human stories … the stories of ordinary human beings like you and I to whom something extraordinary happened … a profound encounter with the divine that changed their lives forever … which is very appropriate at this Christmas time when we remember how the human and the divine became inextricably intertwined when the Word became flesh and the son of God was born as Mary 's Son and God entered into the world , fully man and fully God , as the baby Jesus … and because that happened , when we hear the stories of Joseph and Mary and Elizabeth and all the others , we know that what happened then is not only that happened to other people in a place far away and long ago … we know that it was when the story of God and the story of humanity became visibly one … that this is a story that we are part of also … the eternal story of how God loved us all so much that he sent his Son into the world for us … Christmas comes but once a year , the old saying goes … but this Christmas I pray that you will know that you and all others will know that you are part of the Christmas story not just today but everyday … so that the joy of the Christmas season , that Merry Christmas I wished you when I began , will be yours throughout the year and all through your life from the day of your baptism and every day of your life … Amen . During the season of Advent we have been on a journey … a spiritual journey … one where we make our way in our hearts and minds to a little town … a town located in a time and place very different from our own … a time of kings like Herod who had the power of life and death over his people … a time when the Roman Empire controlled all the known world by the power of it armies … a time when travel was by foot or on the back of an animal or in a boat powered by sails or oars … a time when communications were limited to what one person might tell another face to face … where few could write and a letter had to be hand - carried to its destination and could take months to get there … a time when diseases we think of today as minor were life - threatening … we have travelled to a dusty almost desert land , where there is little water and eking out a living is hard … where most of the people live in abject poverty … a place conquered by the Roman soldiers not because it has fertile land or is rich in natural resources like timber or gold but because it is on the main land route between Rome and Egypt , the place where most of the Capital 's food comes from … a place where even though the people are poor , they are proud … because they know themselves to be a people chosen by God … and even though they are oppressed by the most powerful and ruthless military force their world has ever known , they are not without hope … because they know that God will one day send them a Saviour … he will send them his anointed one … the messiah … And as we have journeyed to this place , we have heard strange and wonderful stories … of how an angel visited a couple called Elizabeth and Zechariah , a couple married many years without children , and told them that their prayers would be answered and they would be finally blessed with a child … and that their son would have a special purpose … that he would be the one the prophets had spoken of , the one who would prepare the way for the promised Messiah . . We also heard how that same angel visited another woman , a girl called Mary and told her that even without a husband she would have a child … a child who would be the Son of God most high … and when the young woman asked how this could be without a husband , she was told that the power of the Holy Spirit would come upon her … and scared though she must have been … and dangerous though it was in those days to have a child with no husband … the young woman agreed … and conceived a child within her … And so our journey is almost over … for we have come tonight to that town called Bethlehem … we have seen angels appear in the night sky and heard them singing and praising God and telling us that the child has been born and that he is the Saviour and the Messiah … full of wonder we have made our way under the starry sky and through the cold night air to that little stable at the back of an inn … we have pushed our way past the sheep and the cattle and the donkey , so that we may stand shoulder to shoulder with the shepherds … so that we might gaze with them in awe upon a child wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger … And even though in one sense we know exactly who that child is … in another we do not … in our minds tonight he is newly born … we have come to this point of our spiritual journey to meet with that child anew and so we are in a sense meeting him for the very first time … and so we must ask those questions that we always ask when we meet someone for the first time : who are they … what do they do … where do they come from … but the child can not answer for himself … so we must listen to other voices … those who knew him … those who now speak for him … we must listen to what was said by the prophets … by the angels … by his mother … by those came to know him so well … and heard what he had to say … and saw what it was he could do … And listening to those voices , we hear that the name of this child is Jesus … and that while he was born in BethSermon notes : 24 December 2011 ( first Mass of Christmas ) A new report from Duke university indicates that we have underestimated the intelligence of our avian friends . . . so much so that to describe someone as ' bird brained ' may no longer be quite the insult it used to be . As a near - vegan with Franciscan leanings ( don 't ask ! ) I am delighted this news is coming out just before Christmas . . . a time when untold millions of birds are slaughtered . Those of you who will be tucking into some dead bird as part of their seasonal festivities may wish to reflect upon the fact that not only was this a creature that knew pain and suffering before it died . . . but that it may also have been a lot smarter than you thought . . . that it might have known exactly what was going on . . . and desperately did not want to die . . . and also that it is perfectly possible to be healthy and well nourished without any living creature having to die . The Irish Medicines Board has decided against advising women to remove the suspect PIP breast implants . I find that a curious position to take . Presumably they think they are being conservative and prudent in their advise . There is no overwhelming evidence to suggest the silicon in the implants is dangerous ; so they see no reason for women to rush to remove them . As I said in yesterday 's post I have mixed feelings about implants and cosmetic surgery when used for purposes other than reconstructive surgery . However , this silicon gel is not approved for medical use . It seems to me that advising women to wait to see whether or not it is dangerous is akin to asking them to be guinea pigs . The stuff never should have been put into their bodies . So it should be taken out . End of story . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest The implant scare raises all kinds of questions . A lot of the women who had them would have had reconstructive surgery after mastectomies . . . but many more would have had them for cosmetic reasons . . . is body image really so important ? And what drives our idea of what is the ' right ' way for a body to look ? I would have to admit to being deeply uncomfortable about this whole industry . There 's an interesting post about cosmetic surgery here that suggests more than anything that those who submit to it are really trying to fill a gap in their lives that no amount of surgery can fill . Interestingly the French government is offering to pay to remove the implants from all women . . . but only replace them those who had cancer as opposed to those who had them solely for cosmetic purposes . That seems to mind to send out a message about how they view cosmetic surgery . But since as a government they also legislate to allow such procedures , is their response here consistent ? But the merits of implants aside , what kind of people put industrial grade silicon into women bodies instead of medical grade ? The stuff they used was 10 times cheaper - was profit their only consideration ? And even though the company is defunct , the people who ran it are presumably still around - will criminal charges be brought against them ? Troubling also is the attitude of the lawyers for those who had the implants . Since they can 't go after the company , they are planning to go after the clinics - is this right ? Is justice only about going after those with the deepest pockets available as opposed to those who actually did what was wrong ? And what about insurance - shouldn 't companies like this be obliged by law to have policies in place to cover claims that come in even after the company has ceased to trade ? Surely that is common sense . The biggest shock of the story , for me at least , is the numbers of implants involved . This company produced hundreds of thousands , perhaps millions , of implants during its time and it was only the third largest company making them . I had no idea the market was so big . Maybe that shows my naivety . But I also think it speaks volumes about society 's attitude to women . There 's pressure for them to look a certain way - the more they look like a candidate for a page 3 photo - shoot candidate the better - and if they can 't look that way naturally , then surgery and plastic is an acceptable answer . It shouldn 't be . Women , and men , should be able to feel beautiful for just being who they are . . . and to feel lovable and loved without having recourse to the surgeon 's blade . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest House prices are continuing to fall in Ireland . And apparently the rate they are falling at is increasing . Why should this be a surprise ? People are out of work ; the government is taxing everything in sight ; the prospects for the economy are bleak ; the banks are tight when it comes to lending ; and there 's a huge over - supply of housing left over from the building - boom . What people should really be wondering about is why they aren 't falling faster . . . but of course , the reason is that the Irish people are pouring borrowed money into the banks so that they don 't have to force developers to flood the market with houses . That can 't go on forever , so eventually it seems logical that prices must drop further . The truth is , the way things stand there is no reason why property shouldn 't go back to pre - boom levels . Basic supply and demand . Lots of houses plus not much money in the economy equals low prices . But then , since the ' experts ' couldn 't figure out that an endless spiral of price increases fueled by banks willingness to lend ever increasing amounts was bound to end badly , maybe these same experts can 't see the writing on the wall in relation to the current situation now either . And the real irony is that we have people homeless in a country where the government is the effective owner of hundreds of thousands of empty housing units . Maybe irony is the wrong word . Perhaps vanity is closer . Or avarice . Or pride . One thing is sure - whatever is the right word , I 'm pretty sure it must be one that describes a sin , and a serious one at that . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest There is a report out that states that over half the elderly in Ireland go without food or other necessities in order to pay for heat . Our Minister for Energy doesn 't like the sound of that . So how does he deal with the problem ? He denies that it exists . This from a Labour politician , a member of a party that is supposed to stand for justice and equality . Perhaps I shouldn 't be surprised . After all , he is a member of a government that , as shown in the latest budget , that believes in protecting the rich from their mistakes at the expense of the poor and vulnerable . Some years ago , when I worked in a university , I did a little research in an area called Political Marketing . My studies led me to believe that smaller parties inevitably decline after going into government with larger ones . Look at what happened to the Green Party . Remember the Progressive Democrats ? And who among us has anything but the vaguest memories of Democratic Left ? So perhaps the Labour Party will get its comeuppance at the next election . However , that 's cold comfort for the elderly now going without food so they can afford to heat their homes . I had another one this evening , a school one . I admit that I approached it with slight dread . I was already tired after a long day & yet another service with the added bonus of a horde of OPC ( other people 's children ) had me less than enthusiastic . However , I have to say that it was the lift I needed . Shiny little faces , all delighted to be up there singing and reading . Childish voices piping out the familiar words full of innocence and joy . And the moral of the story ? Does there need to be one ? But if there does . . . sometimes relief comes from unexpected sources . . . and sometimes it comes from the ones we should have known to expect it from . Today is the 4th Sunday in Advent , when we traditionally think of the Blessed Virgin , as is seen in our Gospel reading . Having heard the announcement of the angel , Mary 's response is ' how can this be ? ' Gabriel tells her that the Holy Spirit will come upon her . And Mary , despite the fears that she must surely have had says ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Mary 's question is one for us all to hold in our hearts . When we feel God 's call upon us , instead of looking for ways to avoid what we are called to do , instead we must ask instead ' how can this be ? ' And the answer to our question will be , like hers , that God will strengthen us with his Spirit , so that we may also respond in the words that Mary used ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Amen My wife and I spent last night at the Fota Island Resort . It was a bit extravagant , but she had gotten a ' deal ' on one of those online voucher sites . A night in the hotel , a bottle of wine waiting in the very spacious room when we arrived , free passes to the luxury spa , and a very nice breakfast . She had bought the voucher a while back , in anticipation of celebrating some good news , which in the event never came . However , having had some other good news to celebrate which we received earlier this week ( I am to be rector of a parish sometime in the New Year ) , we decided to use it before it expired ( its use - before - date was rapidly approaching ) . I 'm uncomfortable with luxury . It is the kind of thing I could never buy . But once bought , it would kill me to see it wasted . And I have to confess , I really enjoyed the night . It helped that it was the first night in years where sleep was not interrupted by a small child or two visiting us in the middle of the night . We emerged from our stay relaxed and refreshed , which makes it worth it . Not the kind of thing we could or would do often . But worth it as a very occasional treat . The story goes that some years ago , when ecumenical relations were not very far advanced , the Roman Catholic bishop of Cork was informed that his Church of Ireland counterpart had passed away . ' Good , ' he responded . ' So by now he 'll know who the real bishop of Cork is . ' There was a happy gleam in his eye as he contemplated the toasting that his erstwhile rival was now enjoying . Christopher Hitchens has died . One would almost be tempted to adapt the above anecdote to the event . However , that would be churlish . Mr Hitchens , like most atheists , I believe would like to be proved wrong , that they would delight to die and discover that their being had not ceased and that they were in the presence of a loving and compassionate God . Obviously , I wouldn 't agree with the stance he took on religion and a great many other subjects . But I accept that they were sincerely held . And so today my prayers are for him and those who held him dear and mourn his passing . May he rest in peace ( and may he delight in God 's presence ) . Amen . I was at a pre - Christmas lunch today . Young men in an area of socio - economic deprivation were cooking lunch for the vulnerable elderly of their locality in the local youth centre . When they had finished serving to those who were there , they planned to take plates of food to those unable to to leave their homes . These are the young men who will almost certainly never go to university , may never have a full - time job , & are unlikely to own their own home . In our ' economy ' they are considered non - productive , a drain on resources . But this is a lie . They are not the problem , it is a system that fails to cherish all people . We do not live in an economy , we live in a community , which is made up of many smaller communities , and these communities are better places when those who live in them care about each other . These young men understand that . And it makes them wiser than those who run nations and more valuable than those who try to convince us that we are all parts of some vast economic system . Jesus said ' blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth . ' Well , there they are . I wonder what it is that the rest of us shall inherit ? It 's hard to know which is worse in the debate over the new property tax : that the government is bringing in yet another tax that is in no way based on ability to pay ; or that other elected officials are cheering people on to break the law . What 's really cruel about this is that there are people out there who paid fortunes in property tax up - front by way of stamp duty which is not going to be recognised for the purposes of this tax . If the government keeps going on this way , they are going to get a no vote on the Euro zone referendum ( which will be needed , whatever the spin doctors are saying now ) . . . which might mean we 'd be kicked out of the Euro . . . which would mean there was no need to pay the the bond holders so we could ' burn ' them if we wanted . . . which would eliminate the need for all the austerity budgets . . . hmm . . . I wonder if the government knows what it 's doing after all ? Sitting in a cafe in Castlecomer , Co Kilkenny , yesterday , my wife and I watched two young women trying to transport what appeared to be two skip baps balanced on top of a wheel barrow . The load slipped left , the load slipped right , the load slipped forward . One held tight on the handles , the other tried to keep the bags in place . The heavy rain didn 't help ! Sitting snug behind plate glass eating our lunch we found it better than television . The women saw us watching ; we smiled and waved & they smiled back . They clearly knew how funny they must look & didn 't take themselves too seriously . If only more folk were like that , the world would be a far more pleasant place . In this joyful season of Advent , it is good to remember that there are simple pleasures in life , and not just the ones thrown at us by advertisers on tv or in catalogues . Last night , my youngest son climbed into bed with my wife and I . A few minutes later he was asleep , his little face angelic . This morning I threw on a jacket I hadn 't worn in a few weeks . As I did so there was a jingle . I checked the pockets to find several euro in change . Simple things , but they brought a smile to my face . There are simple pleasures in your life also , I 'm sure - may they outweigh any sorrows . . . Amen . First , it was a ministry of presence … John gave up a comfortable life to live in the desert … he showed that material things were not of the first importance … whether clothes … personal appearance … possessions … food … But he also showed that he was not above justice in the material world … he knew that not all could live his life … and when those in authority came to him … soldiers and those who collected taxes for the Romans , he told them to be fair to those they dealt with … be satisfied with your pay and do not extort more … collect only the taxes that you must … a message of social justice without political revolution … he also challenged the religious authorities in a major way … after all , he called them a brood of vipers to their face ! And his challenge to King Herod 's marriage demonstrated his conviction that no one above the moral laws … that wealth and power did not create an entitlement to live in a way that was unacceptable for the rest of society … Looked at in that way , we can see that there were common themes between John 's message and that of Jesus … clearly there were difference … he had nothing like the same power or authority that Jesus displayed … and his ministry essentially came to an end with his death … whereas with Jesus it was his death that truly gave life to his movement … yet nonetheless , he did in a very real way prepare the way for Jesus in his ministry … he prepared the people for the kind of message that Jesus was to preach … and many of Jesus earliest and closed followers had originally been followers of John … or at least had gone out to see and hear and be baptised by him … I said at the beginning that John would have found joy in his role … I think we also should rejoice in what it was that John did … even as we rejoice in the memory of Jesus ' first coming … and indeed rejoice in the thought that he will come again … and especially rejoice in the thought that with God 's grace we can play our part also in making ourselves and all others ready for that glorious second coming … which is my prayer for all God 's children at this joyous time of year … Amen . I have to admit to be a little under - informed when it comes to matters occult . The announcement regarding the find of a witches cottage in Pendle this week took me by surprise . . . mainly because I had never heard of Pendle nor its famous association with witchcraft . A quick look at wikopdedia soon had me up to speed . . . my first thought when reading about the trials and subsequent executions was ' how sad . ' Some were most probably the victims of hysteria . Also , I do not believe in the death penalty . And I rather suspect that these so called witches were either deluding themselves or deliberately deceiving others into thinking they could do magic for their own ends . However , those who thought themselves ' witches ' or portrayed themselves as such would have been morally guilty of the crimes for which they were executed . Those who thought they had powers and tried to use them were guilty in the same way a person who points a gun and pulls the trigger only to discover the gun is empty is morally guilty of the crime they intended . And those who were only pretending not only were deliberately trying to terrify people for money or power , but they knew knew what they were doing was against the law of the land , carrying severe penalties , up to and including death . . . as did those who really believed . Both groups received justice according to the reckoning of the times they lived in . The past really is a different country ! I think the best we can do for those who suffered , either innocently or not so innocently , is learn the importance of learning from past mistakes and trying to mete out justice as fairly as we can . . . and perhaps be very slow to hand out punishments which , if we are later proved wrong , we can do nothing to correct . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest I 've always rather loved today 's Gospel reading because of the way it shows up a certain kind of critic for what they are . In the passage Jesus points out that people were critical of John the Baptist for being an ascetic and yet the same people criticise him for not being one . Basically it underscores people 's ability to find fault when they wish to . . . even if the fault they find today is in direct contradiction of the fault they found yesterday or will most certainly find tomorrow ! Think of that when next you hear someone complaining about the Church or Christianity or religion in general . Is what they are saying valid or is it rooted in the speaker 's own biases and prejudices ? It is hard to imagine any two people less deserving of criticism and yet not only did Jesus and John have critics but the criticism was the prelude to their judicial murder . Something to keep in mind when next you hear others voicing complaints against those you know in your heart to be Godly people . John the Baptist ( or John the Forerunner ) is , naturally , a prominent figure in our readings in Advent . I wonder what he would make of the economic chaos the world is facing ? He cared nothing for material things for himself . Yet he thought those in authority , in his time soldiers & tax - publicans should not to take advantage of their position to the disadvantage of others . And he thought common morality applied as much to kings as anyone . . . and was not afraid to tell them so to their face . And when he was in prison for his uncompromising faith and preaching his main concern was the his ministry , the Messiah , & God 's will . Matters of high finance are not my area of expertise . Yet it seems common sense that our financial crisis is as a result of what can only be termed the gambling of those who do consider themselves experts in that field . The government , for reasons best known to themselves , decided to national the debt that resulted from their speculations when it all went wrong ( having lightly taxed the profits when all was going well ) . And now spending cuts and higher taxes are being made to pay off that debt in a manner that will disproportionately affect those who are poorest in our society . I was at the switching on of the Christmas lights in a small town over the weekend . As I stood in the crowd I overheard the conversation of two women near me . One couldn 't make out what the local dignatary was saying in their speech before the switch was thrown . Her friend could & offered to tell her what was being said . Both laughed . I don 't know the women , so I don 't know the context of the remark . Was she being ironic , knowing full well that the chances that any reference to religion on such an occassion in modern Ireland were very remote ? Or was she serious , truly thinking that to have any reminder of religion would in some way ' spoil ' things ? This is the time of year when we normally talk about John the Baptist … he is mentioned in the readings for both this Sunday and next … and this is perhaps not a surprising thing to do in the Season of Advent … the time when we think about the coming of Christ into the world … for John is the one whom Christian tradition holds was the one who came before Christ to prepare the way … Eastern Orthodoxy indeed refers to him as John the Forerunner more commonly than as John the Baptist … So I thought it appropriate to talk a little bit about John today … Firstly we know he came from a very religious family . Both his mother and father were descendants of Aaron … so they were a priestly family on both sides … his father was a priest who served in the Temple … and so too most probably were his male relatives on both sides … not only that , but St Luke 's Gospel tells us that both his parents were righteous people , devout , who kept all of God 's laws … also we see both of them speaking prophetically in that Gospel … his father , Zechariah has a vision with an angel & later speaks prophetically about his son ; and his mother Elizabeth speaks prophetically on the occasion of the visit to her by the Blessed Virgin Mary … Priests like Zechariah did not do that work full time … he belonged to one of 24 priestly divisions & each division took turns spending a week at at time in the temple offering incense … he would have been in the temple for one week about twice a year … and then all the divisions would be there for the major festivals … but we have no hint of what Zechariah did the rest of the year … but it seems that he was able to afford to take several weeks off a year … so probably not a day labourer … but he probably wasn 't too wealthy … the kinsman of his wife Elizabeth was to marry a carpenter … and families of the time tended to stay within their own economic & social standing … and we know that Mary came and stayed for three months while Elizabeth was expecting … probably to help out … which means they probably couldn 't afford to hire someone … so not wealthy but not on the poverty line … perhaps a skilled craftsman of some sort … or given that the hill country of Judah where they lived was a fertile area , filled with small vineyards , olive groves , and small farms , perhaps he had his own small plot of land which he worked … So John would have grown up in the rural setting of the Judean hill country … not too far from Jerusalem … in a family where the religious traditions of their people were held in particular signifPerhaps it was a life that he didn 't find so strange … all the prophets that had gone before him had pointed to the life of this person … the history of all the people of Israel … every generation since Adam , had been designed to prepare the world for the coming of the Messiah … so perhaps it gave him peace and contentment knowing that he was the last in a long line of those who had gone before … and perhaps he also found peace and joy in the knowledge that there would soon come a time when all those who followed the one he went before would also be called to live a life that was much the same , in spirit if not materially … that they also would be called to go before all the world proclaiming the Messiah … leading lives that were designed to prepare themselves and others for the time he would come … not for the first time but the second … I think he did find peace and joy and comfort in those thoughts or ones like them … and so may we … so that even as we prepare ourselves spiritually in this season of Advent we remember our task to be like John in preparing the world for the coming of its Messiah … something that I pray that I , & you , and all God 's children may have the strength and courage to do . Amen . In our Gospel today we hear the story of two blind men healed by Jesus . In the Gospels the idea of blindness always carries with it the sense of the literal , as a physical disability , & the metaphorical , in the sense of spiritual blindness . Often in the Gospels those who are physically blind are spiritually better able to see than many of their peers . In today 's passage , they were following Jesus . . . two blind men were able to follow him down the road , calling out after him , according him a Messianic title , and asking for his mercy . Though blind , they knew who he truly was ; Jesus the Christ . . . the one whom even the blind can easily follow if they are spiritually open , if they will but see through the eyes of faith . Amen . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest In our Gospel reading today , Jesus speaks of the importance of having a solid foundation . For his listeners , the solid rock on which to base their faith was the words which he spoke to them and the revelation which was the Word made flesh , his presence among them . For us , it is the words of scripture , his body the Church , and his presence among us still which he promised . Though it may be tempting to wish that we walked in Gospel times and spoke with him face to face , there is no need to be envious of those first disciples . As Jesus said to Thomas : blessed are those who have not seen , and yet believed . Amen . If you enjoyed this post , please hit ' SHARE ' or ' LIKE ' so your friends can enjoy it as well . And if you like this blog , then please accept my invitation to FOLLOW it . Want to know when the latest posts are available ? Just subscribe to follow by email below ! Hi , I 'm Paddy ( the Rev Patrick G . Burke ) , a priest in the Church of Ireland . The title of the blog is from a description of me in a letter my grandmother wrote to my mother in 1965 when I was three ! May God richly bless you and those whom you love today and everyday . Amen . The arctic ice caps are melting . Colour me confused on the whole global warming thing . My having a degree in geography doesn 't help much . It does help understand the sc . . . ' Talk to me about Padre Pio . ' The woman had recently been bereaved . She wasn 't a parishioner , but I 'd call in for a chat a . . .

In our home , like many homes , we have our own little Christmas traditions … some are fairly ordinary , like having the youngest child put the star on the Christmas tree … and I can tell you that now that Malachi is 4 and a half , it was no joke lifting him high enough to reach the top of the 7 - foot tree we bought at the parish Christmas fair … others are fairly unique … my wife and I have a large star of David made of cardboard and covered in tinfoil with stickers from the nativity scene stuck on … we made it with the children in the emergency shelter we were house - parents in over 20 years ago and we have carefully carried it with us from house to house since … and every year we place it atop our Christmas tree … another of our traditions involves stories … in the box with the decorations that go up into the attic are some books on the theme of Christmas … there is ' the little Christmas tree ' by ee cummings … ' how the Grinch stole Christmas ' by De Seus … or how he didn 't steal it as Malachi likes to point out … and ' the night before Christmas ' by Clement Clark More … in our house it is a special tradition that on Christmas eve I read that story to our boys … Because stories are important , I think … and they are a special part of our Christian tradition … every year as we work our way through the Church calender we tell special stories at certain times of the years in our readings in Church … on Saints days , if they are people who are part of the Bible story , we read from those parts of the Bible where they are mentioned … at times such as Pentecost , or the transfiguration , or the Baptism of our Lord , we read those stories … during Holy Week and Easter we read about the events leading up to the death of Jesus , his crucifixion , burial , and resurrection … and at Christmas we read the different stories that led up to the Nativity of our Lord … We don 't have time to go over all of the stories this morning … or rather , we do , but I might be held responsible for a great many latThere is the Christmas story of Joseph … an honest , hard - working carpenter … a righteous man whose heart was perhaps broken when he discovered that the young woman he loved was going to have a baby and that he was not the father … a kind man whose first impulse was not to punish the girl for betraying him , but to end the relationship quietly , privately , to spare her from public disgrace … a man of faith , who believed the word of God that came to him in a dream that Mary had done nothing wrong … who took the woman and her child into his home … who protected them from harm , even to the extent of fleeing with them to Egypt to protect them from Herod 's soldiers … who provided for them , and cared for them , and loved the child as if he was his own son … There is also the Christmas story of Mary … the young women who is told by an angel that she is going to have a baby and that no human man will be the father … if what we know about the time and place in which she lived , she must have been very young , perhaps only 14 or 15 … and yet , she doesn 't ask what will happen to her when people find out … she doesn 't ask if anyone will believe her unlikely sounding story … she doesn 't ask who will look after her and the baby … she simply says that she will do what God asks … and then shows what a kind and good - hearted young woman she must have been by going at once to look after her cousin Elizabeth , who is also expecting a baby … There are many other Christmas stories we could tell … that of Elizabeth and Zechariah and their baby John … that of an inn - keeper kind enough to let poor travellers use his stable even when the inn was full … that of shepherds who heard the song of angels as they huddled for warmth around a small fire on a cold hillside … even that of Herod , a man so obsessed with power that he would stop at nothing to retain his grasp on it , even if it meant defying the will of God spoken by the prophets and killing children … But all these stories , varied though they are , have something in common … they are all human stories … the stories of ordinary human beings like you and I to whom something extraordinary happened … a profound encounter with the divine that changed their lives forever … which is very appropriate at this Christmas time when we remember how the human and the divine became inextricably intertwined when the Word became flesh and the son of God was born as Mary 's Son and God entered into the world , fully man and fully God , as the baby Jesus … and because that happened , when we hear the stories of Joseph and Mary and Elizabeth and all the others , we know that what happened then is not only that happened to other people in a place far away and long ago … we know that it was when the story of God and the story of humanity became visibly one … that this is a story that we are part of also … the eternal story of how God loved us all so much that he sent his Son into the world for us … Christmas comes but once a year , the old saying goes … but this Christmas I pray that you will know that you and all others will know that you are part of the Christmas story not just today but everyday … so that the joy of the Christmas season , that Merry Christmas I wished you when I began , will be yours throughout the year and all through your life from the day of your baptism and every day of your life … Amen . During the season of Advent we have been on a journey … a spiritual journey … one where we make our way in our hearts and minds to a little town … a town located in a time and place very different from our own … a time of kings like Herod who had the power of life and death over his people … a time when the Roman Empire controlled all the known world by the power of it armies … a time when travel was by foot or on the back of an animal or in a boat powered by sails or oars … a time when communications were limited to what one person might tell another face to face … where few could write and a letter had to be hand - carried to its destination and could take months to get there … a time when diseases we think of today as minor were life - threatening … we have travelled to a dusty almost desert land , where there is little water and eking out a living is hard … where most of the people live in abject poverty … a place conquered by the Roman soldiers not because it has fertile land or is rich in natural resources like timber or gold but because it is on the main land route between Rome and Egypt , the place where most of the Capital 's food comes from … a place where even though the people are poor , they are proud … because they know themselves to be a people chosen by God … and even though they are oppressed by the most powerful and ruthless military force their world has ever known , they are not without hope … because they know that God will one day send them a Saviour … he will send them his anointed one … the messiah … And as we have journeyed to this place , we have heard strange and wonderful stories … of how an angel visited a couple called Elizabeth and Zechariah , a couple married many years without children , and told them that their prayers would be answered and they would be finally blessed with a child … and that their son would have a special purpose … that he would be the one the prophets had spoken of , the one who would prepare the way for the promised Messiah . . We also heard how that same angel visited another woman , a girl called Mary and told her that even without a husband she would have a child … a child who would be the Son of God most high … and when the young woman asked how this could be without a husband , she was told that the power of the Holy Spirit would come upon her … and scared though she must have been … and dangerous though it was in those days to have a child with no husband … the young woman agreed … and conceived a child within her … And so our journey is almost over … for we have come tonight to that town called Bethlehem … we have seen angels appear in the night sky and heard them singing and praising God and telling us that the child has been born and that he is the Saviour and the Messiah … full of wonder we have made our way under the starry sky and through the cold night air to that little stable at the back of an inn … we have pushed our way past the sheep and the cattle and the donkey , so that we may stand shoulder to shoulder with the shepherds … so that we might gaze with them in awe upon a child wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger … And even though in one sense we know exactly who that child is … in another we do not … in our minds tonight he is newly born … we have come to this point of our spiritual journey to meet with that child anew and so we are in a sense meeting him for the very first time … and so we must ask those questions that we always ask when we meet someone for the first time : who are they … what do they do … where do they come from … but the child can not answer for himself … so we must listen to other voices … those who knew him … those who now speak for him … we must listen to what was said by the prophets … by the angels … by his mother … by those came to know him so well … and heard what he had to say … and saw what it was he could do … And listening to those voices , we hear that the name of this child is Jesus … and that while he was born in BethSermon notes : 24 December 2011 ( first Mass of Christmas ) A new report from Duke university indicates that we have underestimated the intelligence of our avian friends . . . so much so that to describe someone as ' bird brained ' may no longer be quite the insult it used to be . As a near - vegan with Franciscan leanings ( don 't ask ! ) I am delighted this news is coming out just before Christmas . . . a time when untold millions of birds are slaughtered . Those of you who will be tucking into some dead bird as part of their seasonal festivities may wish to reflect upon the fact that not only was this a creature that knew pain and suffering before it died . . . but that it may also have been a lot smarter than you thought . . . that it might have known exactly what was going on . . . and desperately did not want to die . . . and also that it is perfectly possible to be healthy and well nourished without any living creature having to die . The Irish Medicines Board has decided against advising women to remove the suspect PIP breast implants . I find that a curious position to take . Presumably they think they are being conservative and prudent in their advise . There is no overwhelming evidence to suggest the silicon in the implants is dangerous ; so they see no reason for women to rush to remove them . As I said in yesterday 's post I have mixed feelings about implants and cosmetic surgery when used for purposes other than reconstructive surgery . However , this silicon gel is not approved for medical use . It seems to me that advising women to wait to see whether or not it is dangerous is akin to asking them to be guinea pigs . The stuff never should have been put into their bodies . So it should be taken out . End of story . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest The implant scare raises all kinds of questions . A lot of the women who had them would have had reconstructive surgery after mastectomies . . . but many more would have had them for cosmetic reasons . . . is body image really so important ? And what drives our idea of what is the ' right ' way for a body to look ? I would have to admit to being deeply uncomfortable about this whole industry . There 's an interesting post about cosmetic surgery here that suggests more than anything that those who submit to it are really trying to fill a gap in their lives that no amount of surgery can fill . Interestingly the French government is offering to pay to remove the implants from all women . . . but only replace them those who had cancer as opposed to those who had them solely for cosmetic purposes . That seems to mind to send out a message about how they view cosmetic surgery . But since as a government they also legislate to allow such procedures , is their response here consistent ? But the merits of implants aside , what kind of people put industrial grade silicon into women bodies instead of medical grade ? The stuff they used was 10 times cheaper - was profit their only consideration ? And even though the company is defunct , the people who ran it are presumably still around - will criminal charges be brought against them ? Troubling also is the attitude of the lawyers for those who had the implants . Since they can 't go after the company , they are planning to go after the clinics - is this right ? Is justice only about going after those with the deepest pockets available as opposed to those who actually did what was wrong ? And what about insurance - shouldn 't companies like this be obliged by law to have policies in place to cover claims that come in even after the company has ceased to trade ? Surely that is common sense . The biggest shock of the story , for me at least , is the numbers of implants involved . This company produced hundreds of thousands , perhaps millions , of implants during its time and it was only the third largest company making them . I had no idea the market was so big . Maybe that shows my naivety . But I also think it speaks volumes about society 's attitude to women . There 's pressure for them to look a certain way - the more they look like a candidate for a page 3 photo - shoot candidate the better - and if they can 't look that way naturally , then surgery and plastic is an acceptable answer . It shouldn 't be . Women , and men , should be able to feel beautiful for just being who they are . . . and to feel lovable and loved without having recourse to the surgeon 's blade . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest House prices are continuing to fall in Ireland . And apparently the rate they are falling at is increasing . Why should this be a surprise ? People are out of work ; the government is taxing everything in sight ; the prospects for the economy are bleak ; the banks are tight when it comes to lending ; and there 's a huge over - supply of housing left over from the building - boom . What people should really be wondering about is why they aren 't falling faster . . . but of course , the reason is that the Irish people are pouring borrowed money into the banks so that they don 't have to force developers to flood the market with houses . That can 't go on forever , so eventually it seems logical that prices must drop further . The truth is , the way things stand there is no reason why property shouldn 't go back to pre - boom levels . Basic supply and demand . Lots of houses plus not much money in the economy equals low prices . But then , since the ' experts ' couldn 't figure out that an endless spiral of price increases fueled by banks willingness to lend ever increasing amounts was bound to end badly , maybe these same experts can 't see the writing on the wall in relation to the current situation now either . And the real irony is that we have people homeless in a country where the government is the effective owner of hundreds of thousands of empty housing units . Maybe irony is the wrong word . Perhaps vanity is closer . Or avarice . Or pride . One thing is sure - whatever is the right word , I 'm pretty sure it must be one that describes a sin , and a serious one at that . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest There is a report out that states that over half the elderly in Ireland go without food or other necessities in order to pay for heat . Our Minister for Energy doesn 't like the sound of that . So how does he deal with the problem ? He denies that it exists . This from a Labour politician , a member of a party that is supposed to stand for justice and equality . Perhaps I shouldn 't be surprised . After all , he is a member of a government that , as shown in the latest budget , that believes in protecting the rich from their mistakes at the expense of the poor and vulnerable . Some years ago , when I worked in a university , I did a little research in an area called Political Marketing . My studies led me to believe that smaller parties inevitably decline after going into government with larger ones . Look at what happened to the Green Party . Remember the Progressive Democrats ? And who among us has anything but the vaguest memories of Democratic Left ? So perhaps the Labour Party will get its comeuppance at the next election . However , that 's cold comfort for the elderly now going without food so they can afford to heat their homes . I had another one this evening , a school one . I admit that I approached it with slight dread . I was already tired after a long day & yet another service with the added bonus of a horde of OPC ( other people 's children ) had me less than enthusiastic . However , I have to say that it was the lift I needed . Shiny little faces , all delighted to be up there singing and reading . Childish voices piping out the familiar words full of innocence and joy . And the moral of the story ? Does there need to be one ? But if there does . . . sometimes relief comes from unexpected sources . . . and sometimes it comes from the ones we should have known to expect it from . Today is the 4th Sunday in Advent , when we traditionally think of the Blessed Virgin , as is seen in our Gospel reading . Having heard the announcement of the angel , Mary 's response is ' how can this be ? ' Gabriel tells her that the Holy Spirit will come upon her . And Mary , despite the fears that she must surely have had says ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Mary 's question is one for us all to hold in our hearts . When we feel God 's call upon us , instead of looking for ways to avoid what we are called to do , instead we must ask instead ' how can this be ? ' And the answer to our question will be , like hers , that God will strengthen us with his Spirit , so that we may also respond in the words that Mary used ' let it be done with me according to your word . ' Amen My wife and I spent last night at the Fota Island Resort . It was a bit extravagant , but she had gotten a ' deal ' on one of those online voucher sites . A night in the hotel , a bottle of wine waiting in the very spacious room when we arrived , free passes to the luxury spa , and a very nice breakfast . She had bought the voucher a while back , in anticipation of celebrating some good news , which in the event never came . However , having had some other good news to celebrate which we received earlier this week ( I am to be rector of a parish sometime in the New Year ) , we decided to use it before it expired ( its use - before - date was rapidly approaching ) . I 'm uncomfortable with luxury . It is the kind of thing I could never buy . But once bought , it would kill me to see it wasted . And I have to confess , I really enjoyed the night . It helped that it was the first night in years where sleep was not interrupted by a small child or two visiting us in the middle of the night . We emerged from our stay relaxed and refreshed , which makes it worth it . Not the kind of thing we could or would do often . But worth it as a very occasional treat . The story goes that some years ago , when ecumenical relations were not very far advanced , the Roman Catholic bishop of Cork was informed that his Church of Ireland counterpart had passed away . ' Good , ' he responded . ' So by now he 'll know who the real bishop of Cork is . ' There was a happy gleam in his eye as he contemplated the toasting that his erstwhile rival was now enjoying . Christopher Hitchens has died . One would almost be tempted to adapt the above anecdote to the event . However , that would be churlish . Mr Hitchens , like most atheists , I believe would like to be proved wrong , that they would delight to die and discover that their being had not ceased and that they were in the presence of a loving and compassionate God . Obviously , I wouldn 't agree with the stance he took on religion and a great many other subjects . But I accept that they were sincerely held . And so today my prayers are for him and those who held him dear and mourn his passing . May he rest in peace ( and may he delight in God 's presence ) . Amen . I was at a pre - Christmas lunch today . Young men in an area of socio - economic deprivation were cooking lunch for the vulnerable elderly of their locality in the local youth centre . When they had finished serving to those who were there , they planned to take plates of food to those unable to to leave their homes . These are the young men who will almost certainly never go to university , may never have a full - time job , & are unlikely to own their own home . In our ' economy ' they are considered non - productive , a drain on resources . But this is a lie . They are not the problem , it is a system that fails to cherish all people . We do not live in an economy , we live in a community , which is made up of many smaller communities , and these communities are better places when those who live in them care about each other . These young men understand that . And it makes them wiser than those who run nations and more valuable than those who try to convince us that we are all parts of some vast economic system . Jesus said ' blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth . ' Well , there they are . I wonder what it is that the rest of us shall inherit ? It 's hard to know which is worse in the debate over the new property tax : that the government is bringing in yet another tax that is in no way based on ability to pay ; or that other elected officials are cheering people on to break the law . What 's really cruel about this is that there are people out there who paid fortunes in property tax up - front by way of stamp duty which is not going to be recognised for the purposes of this tax . If the government keeps going on this way , they are going to get a no vote on the Euro zone referendum ( which will be needed , whatever the spin doctors are saying now ) . . . which might mean we 'd be kicked out of the Euro . . . which would mean there was no need to pay the the bond holders so we could ' burn ' them if we wanted . . . which would eliminate the need for all the austerity budgets . . . hmm . . . I wonder if the government knows what it 's doing after all ? Sitting in a cafe in Castlecomer , Co Kilkenny , yesterday , my wife and I watched two young women trying to transport what appeared to be two skip baps balanced on top of a wheel barrow . The load slipped left , the load slipped right , the load slipped forward . One held tight on the handles , the other tried to keep the bags in place . The heavy rain didn 't help ! Sitting snug behind plate glass eating our lunch we found it better than television . The women saw us watching ; we smiled and waved & they smiled back . They clearly knew how funny they must look & didn 't take themselves too seriously . If only more folk were like that , the world would be a far more pleasant place . In this joyful season of Advent , it is good to remember that there are simple pleasures in life , and not just the ones thrown at us by advertisers on tv or in catalogues . Last night , my youngest son climbed into bed with my wife and I . A few minutes later he was asleep , his little face angelic . This morning I threw on a jacket I hadn 't worn in a few weeks . As I did so there was a jingle . I checked the pockets to find several euro in change . Simple things , but they brought a smile to my face . There are simple pleasures in your life also , I 'm sure - may they outweigh any sorrows . . . Amen . First , it was a ministry of presence … John gave up a comfortable life to live in the desert … he showed that material things were not of the first importance … whether clothes … personal appearance … possessions … food … But he also showed that he was not above justice in the material world … he knew that not all could live his life … and when those in authority came to him … soldiers and those who collected taxes for the Romans , he told them to be fair to those they dealt with … be satisfied with your pay and do not extort more … collect only the taxes that you must … a message of social justice without political revolution … he also challenged the religious authorities in a major way … after all , he called them a brood of vipers to their face ! And his challenge to King Herod 's marriage demonstrated his conviction that no one above the moral laws … that wealth and power did not create an entitlement to live in a way that was unacceptable for the rest of society … Looked at in that way , we can see that there were common themes between John 's message and that of Jesus … clearly there were difference … he had nothing like the same power or authority that Jesus displayed … and his ministry essentially came to an end with his death … whereas with Jesus it was his death that truly gave life to his movement … yet nonetheless , he did in a very real way prepare the way for Jesus in his ministry … he prepared the people for the kind of message that Jesus was to preach … and many of Jesus earliest and closed followers had originally been followers of John … or at least had gone out to see and hear and be baptised by him … I said at the beginning that John would have found joy in his role … I think we also should rejoice in what it was that John did … even as we rejoice in the memory of Jesus ' first coming … and indeed rejoice in the thought that he will come again … and especially rejoice in the thought that with God 's grace we can play our part also in making ourselves and all others ready for that glorious second coming … which is my prayer for all God 's children at this joyous time of year … Amen . I have to admit to be a little under - informed when it comes to matters occult . The announcement regarding the find of a witches cottage in Pendle this week took me by surprise . . . mainly because I had never heard of Pendle nor its famous association with witchcraft . A quick look at wikopdedia soon had me up to speed . . . my first thought when reading about the trials and subsequent executions was ' how sad . ' Some were most probably the victims of hysteria . Also , I do not believe in the death penalty . And I rather suspect that these so called witches were either deluding themselves or deliberately deceiving others into thinking they could do magic for their own ends . However , those who thought themselves ' witches ' or portrayed themselves as such would have been morally guilty of the crimes for which they were executed . Those who thought they had powers and tried to use them were guilty in the same way a person who points a gun and pulls the trigger only to discover the gun is empty is morally guilty of the crime they intended . And those who were only pretending not only were deliberately trying to terrify people for money or power , but they knew knew what they were doing was against the law of the land , carrying severe penalties , up to and including death . . . as did those who really believed . Both groups received justice according to the reckoning of the times they lived in . The past really is a different country ! I think the best we can do for those who suffered , either innocently or not so innocently , is learn the importance of learning from past mistakes and trying to mete out justice as fairly as we can . . . and perhaps be very slow to hand out punishments which , if we are later proved wrong , we can do nothing to correct . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest I 've always rather loved today 's Gospel reading because of the way it shows up a certain kind of critic for what they are . In the passage Jesus points out that people were critical of John the Baptist for being an ascetic and yet the same people criticise him for not being one . Basically it underscores people 's ability to find fault when they wish to . . . even if the fault they find today is in direct contradiction of the fault they found yesterday or will most certainly find tomorrow ! Think of that when next you hear someone complaining about the Church or Christianity or religion in general . Is what they are saying valid or is it rooted in the speaker 's own biases and prejudices ? It is hard to imagine any two people less deserving of criticism and yet not only did Jesus and John have critics but the criticism was the prelude to their judicial murder . Something to keep in mind when next you hear others voicing complaints against those you know in your heart to be Godly people . John the Baptist ( or John the Forerunner ) is , naturally , a prominent figure in our readings in Advent . I wonder what he would make of the economic chaos the world is facing ? He cared nothing for material things for himself . Yet he thought those in authority , in his time soldiers & tax - publicans should not to take advantage of their position to the disadvantage of others . And he thought common morality applied as much to kings as anyone . . . and was not afraid to tell them so to their face . And when he was in prison for his uncompromising faith and preaching his main concern was the his ministry , the Messiah , & God 's will . Matters of high finance are not my area of expertise . Yet it seems common sense that our financial crisis is as a result of what can only be termed the gambling of those who do consider themselves experts in that field . The government , for reasons best known to themselves , decided to national the debt that resulted from their speculations when it all went wrong ( having lightly taxed the profits when all was going well ) . And now spending cuts and higher taxes are being made to pay off that debt in a manner that will disproportionately affect those who are poorest in our society . I was at the switching on of the Christmas lights in a small town over the weekend . As I stood in the crowd I overheard the conversation of two women near me . One couldn 't make out what the local dignatary was saying in their speech before the switch was thrown . Her friend could & offered to tell her what was being said . Both laughed . I don 't know the women , so I don 't know the context of the remark . Was she being ironic , knowing full well that the chances that any reference to religion on such an occassion in modern Ireland were very remote ? Or was she serious , truly thinking that to have any reminder of religion would in some way ' spoil ' things ? This is the time of year when we normally talk about John the Baptist … he is mentioned in the readings for both this Sunday and next … and this is perhaps not a surprising thing to do in the Season of Advent … the time when we think about the coming of Christ into the world … for John is the one whom Christian tradition holds was the one who came before Christ to prepare the way … Eastern Orthodoxy indeed refers to him as John the Forerunner more commonly than as John the Baptist … So I thought it appropriate to talk a little bit about John today … Firstly we know he came from a very religious family . Both his mother and father were descendants of Aaron … so they were a priestly family on both sides … his father was a priest who served in the Temple … and so too most probably were his male relatives on both sides … not only that , but St Luke 's Gospel tells us that both his parents were righteous people , devout , who kept all of God 's laws … also we see both of them speaking prophetically in that Gospel … his father , Zechariah has a vision with an angel & later speaks prophetically about his son ; and his mother Elizabeth speaks prophetically on the occasion of the visit to her by the Blessed Virgin Mary … Priests like Zechariah did not do that work full time … he belonged to one of 24 priestly divisions & each division took turns spending a week at at time in the temple offering incense … he would have been in the temple for one week about twice a year … and then all the divisions would be there for the major festivals … but we have no hint of what Zechariah did the rest of the year … but it seems that he was able to afford to take several weeks off a year … so probably not a day labourer … but he probably wasn 't too wealthy … the kinsman of his wife Elizabeth was to marry a carpenter … and families of the time tended to stay within their own economic & social standing … and we know that Mary came and stayed for three months while Elizabeth was expecting … probably to help out … which means they probably couldn 't afford to hire someone … so not wealthy but not on the poverty line … perhaps a skilled craftsman of some sort … or given that the hill country of Judah where they lived was a fertile area , filled with small vineyards , olive groves , and small farms , perhaps he had his own small plot of land which he worked … So John would have grown up in the rural setting of the Judean hill country … not too far from Jerusalem … in a family where the religious traditions of their people were held in particular signifPerhaps it was a life that he didn 't find so strange … all the prophets that had gone before him had pointed to the life of this person … the history of all the people of Israel … every generation since Adam , had been designed to prepare the world for the coming of the Messiah … so perhaps it gave him peace and contentment knowing that he was the last in a long line of those who had gone before … and perhaps he also found peace and joy in the knowledge that there would soon come a time when all those who followed the one he went before would also be called to live a life that was much the same , in spirit if not materially … that they also would be called to go before all the world proclaiming the Messiah … leading lives that were designed to prepare themselves and others for the time he would come … not for the first time but the second … I think he did find peace and joy and comfort in those thoughts or ones like them … and so may we … so that even as we prepare ourselves spiritually in this season of Advent we remember our task to be like John in preparing the world for the coming of its Messiah … something that I pray that I , & you , and all God 's children may have the strength and courage to do . Amen . In our Gospel today we hear the story of two blind men healed by Jesus . In the Gospels the idea of blindness always carries with it the sense of the literal , as a physical disability , & the metaphorical , in the sense of spiritual blindness . Often in the Gospels those who are physically blind are spiritually better able to see than many of their peers . In today 's passage , they were following Jesus . . . two blind men were able to follow him down the road , calling out after him , according him a Messianic title , and asking for his mercy . Though blind , they knew who he truly was ; Jesus the Christ . . . the one whom even the blind can easily follow if they are spiritually open , if they will but see through the eyes of faith . Amen . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest In our Gospel reading today , Jesus speaks of the importance of having a solid foundation . For his listeners , the solid rock on which to base their faith was the words which he spoke to them and the revelation which was the Word made flesh , his presence among them . For us , it is the words of scripture , his body the Church , and his presence among us still which he promised . Though it may be tempting to wish that we walked in Gospel times and spoke with him face to face , there is no need to be envious of those first disciples . As Jesus said to Thomas : blessed are those who have not seen , and yet believed . Amen . If you enjoyed this post , please hit ' SHARE ' or ' LIKE ' so your friends can enjoy it as well . And if you like this blog , then please accept my invitation to FOLLOW it . Want to know when the latest posts are available ? Just subscribe to follow by email below ! Hi , I 'm Paddy ( the Rev Patrick G . Burke ) , a priest in the Church of Ireland . The title of the blog is from a description of me in a letter my grandmother wrote to my mother in 1965 when I was three ! May God richly bless you and those whom you love today and everyday . Amen . The arctic ice caps are melting . Colour me confused on the whole global warming thing . My having a degree in geography doesn 't help much . It does help understand the sc . . . ' Talk to me about Padre Pio . ' The woman had recently been bereaved . She wasn 't a parishioner , but I 'd call in for a chat a . . .

Category : Diapered wife I think you need to wear diapers A husband incist his wife wear diapers at night after repeated accidents . Alex and liddy were a happily maried couple . They had been maried for a few years . They had a couple kids . Alex owned his own business . He was a family man . He tried to balience home and family . She helped out in the bussiness . She spent a lot of time there . She had multiple ecpertise in finances and accounting . She had natural and learned smarts . She had always been in good health . she liked to run . She kept active . She eat healthy . She was carefull how she did things . One day he woke up . He saw that the bed was wet . He was woried that there was a leak . There was no evidence of that . He saw a stain on her pink nightie . Lydie had wet the bed . She had never had a problem with bed wetting in the few years that they had been maried . She had never mentoned weting the bed as a child . He was not sure what to do . He did not want to wake her up . She needed her sleep . She earned it . He did not want her skin to get clamy . He did not want her to wallow in her own urine . He decided to wake her up . " Hunnie ! Hunnie ! Sweetheart wake up ! " he said . She stired for a bit . She started to wake up . " What time is it ? " she asked . " 6 : 30 . " he said . " Why are you waking me up ? " she asked in a tired tone . " Hunnie you wet the bed ! " he said . This startled her . " What ? " She said . she got right up . Her pink nightie was soaked . Her panty was in worse shape . " Crap ! " she said . She went in the bathroom . She pulled off her night gowan and panty . she joined him in the shower . She felt so humiliated . " I never wet the bed ! " she said . he held her in the shower . " It was an acident it is not a huge deal . I promise . " he said . " I hope your right . " she said . After they dried eachother off . She got dressed . She then stripped the bed . she took everything off of the bed . she put it in the washing michine . She speayed the mastress with fabreze . She hoped to put this event behind her . He assured her it was not a big deal . She tried to convince herself that it was a fluke event . She did not have an incident for another week . That night she wore a tank top and pajama botoms . She woke up soaked . She tried to cleen herself off before her husband found out . " You wet the bed didn 't you ? " he asked in a loving tone . She was really embarrassed . " Yes i did . " she responded in a hesitant tone . He assured her it was ok . It became more and more frequent . her doctor beleved it was the result of srtress incontinence . There was no evidence of cancer or life threatening disorder . It was more of a nusance . It definitely was that . It got better and worse . It kept in that paturn . They waterproof the bed . He thought that she should start wearing diapers to bed . He knew that she would not be a fan of that . He did not blaim her . If the roles were reversed , he would be reluctant to wear diapers even just at night . He felt that it was necessary . " Hunnie , we need to talk ! " he said . " oh ! Whats up ? " she asked . " hunnie i think that you should wear diapers to bed ! " he said . " Diapers ? I dont need diapers ! I am 24 years old . " she said . " a lot of people of all ages have to wear diapers . It is not a stigma at least it does not need to be . " he said . She refused to wear diapers at first . She refused to even talk about it . When she kept weting the bed she came to the conclusion that mayby she should try diapers . She felt weird about buying diapers . Alex offered to go to th store and get them . She did not want to make a special trip sense she had to make her weekly grocery run anyways . She put the groceries on the conveyor belt . The cashir bagged the purchases . As the prices were loged in on the price scanner . The cashir saw the adult diapers . " Adult diapers ? " the female cashir asked . " Yes . I have bed wetting isues . " she admitted . " I am sory to hear that . " she said in a concerned tone . She thanked her . She paid for her groceries then left . That night they cuddled while watching a movie in the living room . They then went to the bed room . She pulled of her gray skirt and panty . He took a diaper out of the pakege . She laid down . He put the diaper unser her . He closed the straps . she adjusted it . She decided to just wear a t shirt and diaper . She felt degraded . He said she looked sexy . She did not believe him at first . Later she understood that he ment it . She seemed to pee every night srnce she started wearing diapers . Was her condition getting worse or did her bladder feel at oeace because she knew she had a diaper on . She became used to wearing a diaper . she looked forward to puting on a diaper on . She was fine in the day time . At night not so much . She loved wearing diapers . he loved seing her in diapers . She now labled herself a diaper lover . She had no problem referring to herself as incontinent . The end . Author craigedsonPosted on June 21 , 2017June 21 , 2017Categories Diapered wife , women in diapersTags 18 years old and up , adult , adult diaper , adult only , bed wetting , Diapered wife , embarrassed , erotic , erotica , explicit material , husband and wife , in love , incontinent , mature , night incontinence , nsfw , women in diapersLeave a comment on I think you need to wear diapers " The car acident " Brad and chrisy are engaged and happy as can be . Tragedy puts there future in jeopardy . Brad and chrissy had known eachother sense they had been very young . They went from acquaintance to friends and a little bit of back ans fourth . They went to the same church . Chrisy was younger then brad . Sometimes brad was more mature then chrissy . Orther times , he thought that he was more mature . They hung eachother together for a while . Then he did not want to be around her . There were not Manny young people in the church so they almost had to hang eachother or there would be no one to hang out with . Eventually brad threw his hands in the air and they hung out . In high school , they became close friends . Eventually they became an oficial couple . they were inseparable . There families were verry suportive . They went to the same bible college . He purposed to her after they graduated . She accepted . It was three mounths before the wedding . She was driving home from work . Her car was hit by a drunk driver . The driver panicked . He drove away . he never called any one . He simply fled the scene . He went home and passed out on the couch in his apartment . She had been rendered unconscious . A man who was walking at night saw the car . He immediately called 911 . A police officer quickly arived . Then an ambulance arived . She was rushed to the hospital . Brad was at a trustes meeting at the church . He got the call from hiw future mother in law . He went to the hospital . The accident left her paralyzed . She was paralyzed from the waist down . It was not just that the damege left her incontinent . She lost bladder and bowel control . While brad was She was wearing a hospital gowan . She had been diapered . He came in . he took her hand . He hugged her . He held on to her . She could always count on him . This incident was no different . He took her hand . " You heard that i am paralyzed ? " she asked . " I did . I am so sorry hunnie . " he told her . " I am incontinent . They dont think that i will ever regain bladder continence . " she said . " Your parents mentioned that . " he replied . " I am going to be an invalid . I gues i am an invilid . " she said . He held her . " Hay ! We will get though this . We will get though this together . " he promised her . " Do you still want to go though with this ? " she asked . " Seriously chris ? I love you . I have already committed to you a long time ago . Something like this is not going to deter me . I promise you that . " he said . " I cant move around on my own . I cant get out bed cant bathe , cant dress myself . I cant go to the bathroom . I am going to pee and poop myself . If you want to leave this , i realy do understand . " She assured him . He gave her an eye role . " Realy hunnie ? Ok i committed to you a long time ago . When i purposed , i made a commitment to you . It was not an idle pledge . I want to be in this . I am in this a hundred percent . If you still want to be maried to me i want to be married to you . As far as i am concerned , nothing has chaged . Nothing will change . I love you . I want to be with you . " he told her . She wanted to be with him . She was afraid that it was selfish for her to go forward with this . He said that had this happened three months later after there nuptials , this convetsation would not even be a thought . In his mind , they were basically maried . All that was left was the formalities . " Do you still want to marry me hunnie . I stil want to marry you . i meen that . I would not mince words on this . This is too importent not to be honest . " he said . She did stil want to be maried to him . she needed him . She wanted some one she could depend on . She knew in her heart that he was that man . She despite her fears agred to keep the engagement . A nurse changed her diaper . The female nurse was very gentile . She wiped her but . She put on baby power . Then he put a new diaper on her . Chrissy at first was humiliated by being bathed or cleaned . she hated that she soiled herself . She discovered that she got aroused by being changed and bathed . It made her horny . One of her favorate nurses nicole assured her that it was ab automatic response . She told her not to look too much into it . She spent a brief time in a long term rehabilitation center . Brad visited her quite frequently . The thought of her in a diaper made him horny . He could not wait to see her in a diaper . He liked the thought of changing her diaper . He looked froward to bathing and dressing her . She got out of the rehab center . They had planed a fairly big wedding . It was planned to be modest but stil nice . They decided to firgo the large wedding . They had a private ceremony with family and a few close friends . They went home . He had waterproofed the bed . He placed her on the bed . He removed the rented wedding dress . She was able to get his shirt off . She unzipped his pants . He removed the rest of his shirt and took off his pants . He took off her slip . He pulled off his underware . He opened her diaper . It was quite full . She had peed and poop . She expected him to cleen her off first . He did not do that . He got on top of her . He was coverd in poop and urine . He put himself inside her . She was humiliated at first . she got into it . They did not cleen each orther off st first . They stayed in the soiled bed . After a while he put her in a wheal chair . He striped the bed and replaced it with cleen sheets . He put her in the bath tube and cleaned her off . Then she cleaned himself off . They were very close . She was dependent in him . He did not care . She loved him . She felt loved . Eventualy they did admit there invilid fetish . Both suspected . She became pregnent and gave birth to twins . A few years later they had a third child . She learned how to get around despite her condition . She figured out to function . The driver was found . He was convicted . He is serving time in prison . The end . Author craigedsonPosted on June 13 , 2017June 13 , 2017Categories Diapered wife , diapers in hospital , women in diapersTags 18 and up , adult , adult diaper , adult only , bath , car acident , diaper change , diaper dependent , Diapered wife , disabled , drunk driver , engagement , erotic , erotica , explicit material , gross , invilid , marriage , mature , nsfw , pee , poop , wheal chairLeave a comment on " The car acident " Disabled girl A pastor 's son meets the girl of his dreams . She is in a wheal chair and is incontinent . Ben was a pastor 's kid . He was studying to be a pastor himself . He had a reputation for being a kind man . Both farther and son were well liked . Many young ladies wanted to mary him . He seemed to be holding out . No one knew why . Some wondered if he was called to be single . Some wondered if he felt that he was called To be single . One day the church held a dinner after the morning service . He looked around . He saw her . She had long brown hair . She had put it into a poney tail . She was 5 . 8 . She wore a floery dress and sandles . She was in a wheal chair . He wondered how this hapened . Other then being in a wheal chair , she apeared to be fit . She did not apear to be sickly . He had no idea how this hapened but he was very curius . He decided to say hello . He went up to her . " hi " he said . " Hi " she reaplied . " Im ben . " he said . " Im annie . " she said . They engaged in smal talk for a bit . her mom asked her to come with her . Ben went and got his food and then went back to the table . There were quite of conversations that went though the tables . Annie seamed to enjoy lauthing . After a while she got her mom 's attention . " mom i think it is time for my medicine . " she said , " ok hunnie . " her mom said . She whealed her into a bathroom . Medicine was a euphemism for a diaper change . She laid her on to a floor . She pulled up her dress . She opened up the diaper . " Your diaper was really full . " her mom said . " I had a feeling about that . " she admitted . She took off the diaper . She put on a new diaper . She put baby powder on her . She closed the straps . She then pulled her ddaughter 's dress down . she picked her up and put her back in her chair . " Look if your thinking what i think your thinking , dont . It cant happen . You cannot dress yourself . You cant bathe yourself . You need your diaper changed . Dont go down this road . " she told annie . She got qiet . " I know your right . " Annie told her mom . Her mom gave her a great big hug . " I know this is hard . It will be ok . " her mom said . She did think about ben . She fantasized about being with him . She liked the idea of being a pastor 's wife and his wife . She knew that her mom was right . Her mom and sisters were very protective of her . Ben and annie talked to each other on and off . It was usualy in passing . It was usualy quick . It was closely monitored by her family . After a while the two started talking more and more . It started to go beyond just smal talk . It seemed to develop organically , naturally . One day he asked her out . " look i like you . I want to say yes . I really do . There are things i need to tell you . I was in a car accident a few years ago . I am alnost totaly paralyzed from the waist down . I have almost no mobility . " she said . " I kinda figured that was the case . I had no idea how you were paralyzed . " he said . " I played basketball in high school . I was not wnba good but i enjoyed it . Now i am kinda an invilid . " she told him . " You seem to get around ok . " he said . " It is mostly due to my mom and sisters . I don 't do quite as well as it appears . " she said . " I am sure you get by . " he said . " I do but thats about it . Look im fecally and blader incontinent . I wear diapers all the time . It is not plesent for me and i cant imagine what it is like for my caregivers . " she commented . He was shocked . It just had not occured to him that she night be incontinent . He figured that it would be messy . " I am not saying no . In fact i like the idea of us in a relationship . I really like the idea of us maried . I realy want a husband not a caregiver . You might have to be both i am afraid . " she told him . " I realy like you . Lets just hang out and see where it goes . " he suggested . She was reluctent to agree but did agree . They datted for a bit . It got and more serious . He came over for dinner one day with her family . The date went great . She was realy wet . " Mom isn 't it time for medicine ? " she asked . " Yes it is . " she said . It took quite a while . He was suprised that she was gone so long . it took a whileAfter several dinner dates he came to the understanding that ' medicine ' was a euphemism for diaper change . He did not tell her at first that he knew . After they got engaged her mom gave him a tutorial on how to change her diaper . He was not alowed to see her undiapered but witnessed most of of the process . They got maried . He changed her diaper before they left for the honey moon . She had peed and pooped . He was hitting the ground runing . She was humiliated but he took it in stride . It did not seam to phase him . He had a bit of disabled and categiver fetish . He was atracted to her initially because she was in a wheal chair . He did not tell her that until several mounths in there mariege . by the time she told him , she was realy not suprised . They had kids . Twin girls and two boys . They were a happy couple . The end . Author craigedsonPosted on June 7 , 2017June 7 , 2017Categories Diapered wife , Sisters , women in diapersTags adult , adult diaper , adult only , care giver , diaper change , diaper dependent , Diapered wife , erotic , erotica , euphemism . , explicit material , gross , incontinent , invalid , mature , nsfw , wheal chair , wife , women in diapersLeave a comment on Disabled girl Aranged marriage An aranged mariege is not quite what it apears to be . David was from a very strict conservative religious family . They were separated from the world . He was a bit sheltered . he did not care about that . He was happy with his childhood . From a young age he was told that his mariege would be aranged . He had no role in the decision process . His older brother and sister 's marriages had been aranged . Both mareges were extremly successful . He was not woried about it . He felt like he had no reason to be . The family worked with other families to find him a wife . They looked into verious young ladies in there church , fundimental coleges , home school associations etc . His parrents zeroed in on one particuler young lady . Her name was calla but she went by the nickname calie . She was 20 years old . She has an associate degree . she has been to a cosmitology school . His parents realy like her . Her parents liked david . They agreed to the mariege . It was agreed that they would not meet until the weading day . She was intelligent and attractive . She had manny talents and abilities . She seemed to be the perfect candidate to be a be a wife . Having said all that she was not totaly perfect . She had a secret . When she was younger she fell off of a horse . She was in a coma for a brief period of time . Her injuries wreaked havok with her bladder functions . It made her incontinent . All atempts to restore her bladder functions were unsucesfull . She decided to wear diapers all the time . She had beem home scholled . Her colege knew of her medical conditions but kept it confidential . The cosmitology program was non campus . Employers knew but it was not a big issue . She knew what to do . she had a diaper change before she left her house . She limited her liquid intake during classes or work . She knew what she needed to do . David 's family had no idea about this . they knew about the incident with the horse but not the aftereffects . The weading day arived . It was a beautiful weading . One no one would forget . After they left hand in hand . They headed for a hotel in another sate . She changed from her weading dress to street cloths . She wore a green t shirt and denim skirt . She did not wear pants only dreses or skirts . Her diaper was extremly full . She took off her soiled diaper andThey arived at the hotel . He checked in and then he and his bride went to there room . He was usually somber and stioc . Not today . Now that he was married his desires had kicked in . He was feeling frisky now that it was permitted . He caried her across the threshold . He placed her on the bed . She got caught up in the moment . She forgot about het diaper or the fact that he didnot know about it . Had she , she might have become self conscious or freak out . That was not on her mind at that particuler moment . Who could blame her ? He got on top of her . He kissed her . She kissed him back . They went back and forth . He took off her shirt . He pulled it to het head then pulled it off . He took off his shirt . As he was about to unzip her skirt , she remembered . She got nervous . He was about to uncover her secret . He pulled down her skirt . He saw the diaper . There was evidence that the diaper was very full . She had use the diaper multiple times it seemed . He had no idea . He was shocked . At first he was not sure what this ment . some brides wore diapers because once the dress was on , it was next to near imposible to do anything in it . Why would she stil be diapered . he was totaly shocked . She saw the shock in his eyies . " Why are you wearing a diaper ? " he asked . " i was thown off a horse . I was in coma briefly . I lost my blader and bowel continence . I have been unable to regain control . I have given up trying to regain that control . " she told him . He was in disbelief . He never expected this . She saw the disgust i . His eyies . She wanted to bury her heas in her face abd dissapear . His mood was gone . He got up and went into the bathroom . He had no idea what to do . While his denomination did not have an alowence for enulment , there might be an acception . Her family badicaly commited fraud agest his . That was how he saw itm he knew he was not thinking straght . After a couple of houers he came out . She vad stayed in her bra and diaper for a while . She had just laid on the bed . She eventually changed her diaper and put her t shirt back on . he came out . " I reacted badly . I am sorry . I was just stuned . " he said . " do you stil want to be maried to me ? " she asked . He said he did . They hugged . They held each orther for a bit . Then they kissed . His sex drive kicked back in . He pulled off her shirt and bra . She removed his pants and underware . He took off her diaper . She just had a diaper change but of course she had soiled it again . He went inside her . He kept going . She beged him not to stop . After she peed mutiiple times . He got use to her incontinence . He would change her diaper . She like to go pantless in private . He was fine with it . He started to wear a diaper . At first he just held in his pee . She tried to get him to pee his diaper . He could not do it . His mind would not let him . After a while it gave way . Once the dam burst it did not . He enjoyed it . he wore diapers when not at work . They had children . He started his own bussiness . It was quite successfully . He Author craigedsonPosted on June 3 , 2017June 3 , 2017Categories Diaper men , Diapered wife , women in diapersTags acident , adult , adult diaper , adult only , deceptions , diaper dependent , Diapered wife , erotic , erotica , excplicit material , gross , honey moon , hospital stay , incontinence due to injury , marriage , mature , nsfw , parental involvement , secrets , wedding , wife , women in diapersLeave a comment on Aranged marriage Out of no where A wife with no history of blader control isues starts weting the bed . Janie was a newlywed . She had just gotten maried . She maried a young man who in his twenties had started a real esate bussiness . He had just the right blend between being prudent and taking risks . She had worked . she planed to work part time until she got pregnent . Then she would become a stay at home mom . She could return to work at any time if need be . She hoped to not have to . She was very inteligent . She got really good grades at school and colege . She and her husband were a perfect match . She never had any bladder control isues . She had been one hundred percent poty teaned . She never strugled with bed wetting or any other isues . She never had any problems with blader control . That is until now . A mounth into there marriage , she woke up . She wore a pink nightie . She was groggy at first . Her husband was stil asleep next to her . She started to regain more of her consciousness . She realized she felt wet . The sheat where she was laying on had huge stains . She pulled up her night gowan . her panty was soaked . " Oh no ! " she thought . She realized that she had just peed herself . She was so degraded . She felt so humiliated . She pulled up a blanket hoping to conceil it . She had a panic attack . She did not want her husband to find out . She was determined not to get out of bed until he did . He had a bad sence of smel . She hoped it would work in her favor . His alarm went off . He got out of bed . she pretended to be asleep . She wanted time to cleen heShe went to her doctor . Several test were done . Her test were negative for any kind of cancer or any life threatening desease . She tried everything . She reduced her liquid intake before bed . She made sure to use the bathroom before bed . Nothing worked . She stil woke up soaked . It was realy anoying . " We should probably water proof the bed ! " he sugested . " Yea i know . You are right . I am going to go buy waterproof pad today . " she told him . " Diapers ? I am not a baby . I am not old . I cant ! " she said . " Look you dobt seamto have a problem during the day . You would only have to wear diapers at night . " he suggested . She knew he was right . She went to the store . She brought the waterproof sheet . She looked at various diapers . She picked out a couple packages . She went though the busiest line she could find . She was afraid of the cashir . If she got an older cashir , she might go all grandmotherly . If she got a younger lady they might be condescending . She almost would perfer a male cashir . She got a cashir in her thirties . it was a women . " Diapers ? " she asked . " yea " she said . She hoped to move on . She paid and left . She was happy to get out of there . She tried on the diaper to get used to it . She felt odd . She read that you wanted to waddle . She felt awkward . That night she woke up with a full diaper . She got use to it . Her husband thought she looked cute diapered . She got more used to diapers . She got from the denial phase to the acceptance phase . She looked froward to puting on a diaper . She decided not to hide her satus . every one at the store knew she was incontinent . She was member of incontinent suport groups on social media . She also liked abdl groups . She soon got pregnent and had twina . She had two diaper bag . One for the kids and one for her . She felt like she was happy to be diaper dependent . Her husband wore diapers at night . He started to love diapers . They were happy . The end . Author craigedsonPosted on May 31 , 2017May 31 , 2017Categories Diaper men , Diapered wife , women in diapersTags accidents at night , adult , adult diaper , adult only , bed wetting , buying diapers at store , cashir , Diapered wife , erotic , erotica , humilation , husband , husband and wife , mature , medical , nsfw , wife , woman 's health , women in diapersLeave a comment on Out of no where Fecal incontinence While watching a movie with her husband , a wife has an acident . David and kelly had been hapily married for a few years . They had dated for several years before they became engaged . Now they were maried and they had two kids . One night they were watching a movie in the living room . The two kids were asleep in there room . She cuddled up next to dave . She leened over his shoulder and he had his arm around her . They stil enjoyed each oothers 's compony . They liked the same kind of movies . Both had adepted there taste to acomidate the other . Dave was a fan of action or horor movies . she liked romance or comedy . They enjoyed being togather . She put up with heror as long as he held her close . He was fine with that . That night they watched a romantic movie . It was not scary at all . She was glad of that . Everything was going great . All of a suden without any warning whatsoever her bowels gave way . A big pile of crap was jettisoned . The poop filled her panties . She was wearing a green tank top and blue pajama butoms . She was not aware that it had hapened until after the fact . She was in disbelief at first . Mayby it was a fart . It became clear that it was not . She realized that her worst fear had come to fruition . She had indeed craped her pants . This was the worst thing that could have happened . She had no idea if he had noticed . she had no idea what to do . Should she have dave stop the movie ? Should she try to cleen herself off ? Should she try to keep it from him . Should she tell him ? She had never had any isues with bladder or bowel control . What had caused this ? She was stuned . She was in shock . She just sat there for a fewAfter she put on a bight gowan . They went to the bed room . She became very standofish . He pulled her close . She recoiled at first but he incisted she come to him . She relented . She realy did want to be close with him . He knew that . She fell asleep in his arms . She felt embarised . The next morning he assured her that it was not a big deal . He went to work . He came home and things seemed fine . Two days later she had another incident . This time she woke up covered in poo . It hapened multiple times . She had no reason why . She went to the doctors . They did test . They found that she was becoming bowel incontinent . It was developing for a while . It was becoming noticible now . There was nothing concerning her overal heath . It was not a life threatning disease but did threten her qaulity of life . She started wearing diapers . She felt humiliated . He tbought she looked cute in diapers . She was not bladder incontinent but for convenience she did pee in her diaper but not always . her bowel incontinence got worse . That was ok . They stil had a good life and mariege despite the challenges . The end . Author craigedsonPosted on May 30 , 2017May 30 , 2017Categories Diapered wife , women in diapersTags accident , adult , adult diaper , adult only , change , crap pants , Diapered wife , diapers , dirty , embarised , emurgentcy change , explicit , fecally incontinence , graphic , gross , humiliated , intended for mature readers only , marriage , mature , movie , nsfw , poop , shower , soiled , women in diapersLeave a comment on Fecal incontinence On the beach A guy talks to a girl at the beach who is diapered . David decided to go to the beach . He had never been much of a beach person . He liked to swim . He did some surfing . After a buisy time of surfing and swimming , he sat down on the grass . He kinda looked around . He saw a women who was very atractive . She had brownish hair . He tried to smile at her . She smiled but quickly turned arond . She seeamed sweet . He decided to go say hi to her . He walked cloaser to her . She wore a bikini top . as he got closer he realized that she was wearing a diaper . At first he thought he had to be mistaken . As he got closer he realized that sure enough it was really a diaper . She eas laying down in a very remote part of the beach . She tried to isolate herself form every one else . She just wanted to be left alone . She was sun bathing like many others hear at the beach . He decided to come over to him . " Hi . " he said . She was emberissed . She had a feeling he was coming to see her . He hoped that the fact that she had a diaper would deter him from continuing to come tall to her . It did not deter him . She did not get that lucky she suposed . She had no idea what to do . " Hi ! " she said . She had a very soft vioce . She seemed very shy . He wondered if she always was . She might ve humiliated perhaps . " Lovely day isn 't it ? " he asked . " It really is . " Shr said . " With all that rain we have been having , i am glad to see the sun . " he said . Wait he thought . Was that an insensitive coment . He had no idea . He hoped he had not offended her . " Yes i wear a diaper . I am incontinent . I have an overactive bladder . It " Makes sense . " he answered . " i am sory . I get prety defensive . " she said . " No its fine . I understand ! I would be too in your place . " he said . " Its legal to go just in a diaper . I looked it up . I would rather not ware shorts over my diaper . Its get realy warm . Its comfortable just waring a diaper . " she admited . " You like diapers ? " he asked . " For the most part its all i know . Yes i do . I am not ashamed of it . " she said . " there is nothing to be ashamed of . " He said . " That is how i feel . " she said . " you should feel that way . " he answered . " i am only bladder incontinent . I have full control of the other . It is a pain in the but so sometimes i let it go in the diaper . Oh was that tmi ? " she asked . He chuckled . " A little but its fine ! " he said . They both laughed . She decided she should go . " I am going to head on . It was good to meet you . " She said . He smiled . " Like wise . I hope to see you around . " he said she smiled . A week later he went to the beach . She was there . She was way on the back as before . She wore a diaper . " Hi ! " he said . They chatted for a bit . Her diaper had gotten really full . She started to leak . " I got to go ! " she said . " I could change you ! " he offered . " thats ok . I am good at changing it . " She said . " Are you sure ? " he said . After a lot of coaxing she agreed . The went to her car . She had a big back of her car . She leaned down . it was well hiden . He took off her diaper . Sure enough she was verry full . He wiped her up . He put baby powder on her . He put on a fresh diaper . " All better . " he said . She hugged him . " Your the first person to ever change my diaper other then my mom and sisters . " she said . " i am honored . " He told her . They got together often . Finaly he asked her out . She quickly agreed . She could not just be in a diaper at the restaurant . She wore a skirt . After a time they got maried . They had kids . They lived hapily evet after . A bit messy but happy . The end . Author craigedsonPosted on May 27 , 2017May 30 , 2017Categories Diapered wife , women in diapersTags adult , adult diaper , adult only , diaper at the beach , diaper change , diaper in public , erotic , erotica , explicit , fecal , girl in diaper , gross , guy , mature , nsfw , odd love story , urine incontinentLeave a comment on On the beach Posts navigation Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer .

I recently came upon Michael Priebe 's blog where he tells his story of withdrawal from Paxil and Xanax . The sheer hell he experienced while doing so and his precise accounting of the complete lack of consideration shown him by psychiatrists . He really hits the mark on that . I couldn 't believe I was still functioning at my job . How did people not know about my illness ? When would they find out ? How would they find out ? How long until I had some sort of public breakdown that ended the whole charade ? Or maybe everyone already knew and was too polite to say anything . I mean , how could they miss the rapid weight loss and the sudden and persistent appearance of midnight - black bags under my eyes ? I was sure I looked like a zombie , but maybe it was all in my head . I was getting trapped in my head a lot lately . As my wife tidied up the bed and quietly cursed my relentless night sweats , I worried about the upcoming workday . How would I make the drive in my sleepless condition ? How would I survive the office in my anxious condition ? Even the tiniest hint of workplace stress might send my compromised system into a panic that exposed my " secret " illness . I wasn 't well - rested or well - nourished enough to survive the ups and downs that define a normal day for most people . I could barely eat or sleep and I hadn 't been able to do either of those things sufficiently for months , ever since making the decision to stop taking the Paxil that had been prescribed to me for anxiety attacks suffered as a 21 - year - old college student . I thought that life would get better when I quit taking the Paxil - remove the problem and life gets better , I reasoned - but I was wrong . And not just a little bit wrong . Once the Paxil was removed from my life , all hell broke loose and I didn 't even see it coming . You see , that 's the problem with antidepressant and benzodiazepine withdrawal - especially the drawn - out or ' protracted " kind like I experienced : you don 't expect it because few people even acknowledge that it exists . Doctors will dismiss you , loved ones will have a hard time relating to you , and all across the world the gigantic pharmaceutical machine will continue to grind its profitable gears without so much as a hiccup . The lines at CVS and Walgreens never get shorter , and people are still willing to turn their emotions and brains over to the modern inventions of profit - driven chemistry . The clock signaled that it was almost time for me to leave for work . There would be no more sweating in bed wondering about what new withdrawal - related symptoms the day would bring , because it was time to experience it all firsthand again . I always hoped that one morning it would all be over , but like Groundhog Day , each morning seemed to bring more of the same . I left the relative safety of my bed and made my way across the hall to the spare bedroom that housed the treadmill . The sun was about to rise , and I needed to get the anxiety out of my system somehow . This wouldn 't be the spiritually refreshing , five - mile morning jog of a healthy man on his way out to conquer the world . No , this would be the uncoordinated and breathless five - minute effort of a man who was hoping for a small hint of calm in the anxious storms that were becoming the norm in his life . I went into the bedroom and kissed my wife goodbye . Fear was visible in my eyes and pulsated from my fragile body language . I felt as if some demonic force ( or even a strong wind ) could send me through the earth 's crust and into hell at any moment . I awoke to a heavy circle of pain pressing down over my heart . The day seemed pale and gloomy in a way that was out of line for even the most overcast of winter mornings in Wisconsin . My house was full of family - brothers , in - laws , and a new nephew - but I felt alone , and that strange feeling of isolation swirled around the day 's first moments like an ominous wind . " Good morning , " my youngest brother said in a singsong voice as he lowered my baby nephew close to my face . Playing the role of good hosts , my wife and I had surrendered our bedroom and were sleeping on an air mattress on the floor of my office . I wanted to stay on that air mattress indefinitely . I didn 't want to be awake . A photographer was scheduled to come over later in the day for family pictures , and I couldn 't imagine how I would play the role of " normal human being " for that . Becoming unfrozen : that 's an apt way to describe the profound and painful thawing process that takes place as prescription medication fades from a person 's mind and body . There is so much blunted awareness that wants to come back to life , and there are so many repressed emotions that want to have a voice , but the person in withdrawal really isn 't ready for such a flood of activity . He or she really isn 't strong enough . The person who was taking medication was flying around the edges of life without truly feeling or noticing thoughts for a long time , and then BAM . The pills are gone , and the icebergs start to melt . It is overwhelming and confusing . And that 's when beginning the prescription madness anew starts to seem like a reasonable idea . Maybe the old pills were necessary . Or maybe some new ones are needed . I had wanted so badly to be free of the medication , but shortly after quitting Paxil , I began to wonder if maybe it wasn 't time to admit defeat . Maybe I simply had to accept that I was broken in a way that could only be fixed by the contents of little orange bottles . I thought that I 'd been making progress - painful progress in small increments , but progress nonetheless - but maybe I 'd just been kidding myself . Maybe the doctors - the ones who had played no small role in creating my current lunacy - really did have the answers , and maybe those answers only existed as 21st - century pills . Despite my misgivings , maybe I needed to go see one of them again , at least to make sure that I wasn 't dying . What was the worst that could happen if I went back to the " experts " in white coats , or maybe even went back to the Paxil or something similar ? As the world around me enjoyed a pleasant Saturday afternoon , I sat on my bed trembling , wondering if I was dying or going insane . While other people sipped lattes at coffee shops and ran casual errands or watched movies or college football , I fought to keep a faint grip on some sense of normalcy and well - being . I was 35 - years - old and I felt utterly alone , as if I were some unfortunate astronaut whose tether to the mothership had been tragically severed while he was performing exterior maintenance on the craft . Whoosh . Away I flew into a vast , empty darkness . As I careened by the occasional burning star or foreign sun , I could still see , faintly , the people and the life that I 'd left behind . However , like a ghost , I could no longer touch my loved ones or share with them a laugh or a bit of sunny enjoyment on a weekend . I could only wonder about my murky place in the universe and hurt . Two months or so earlier , I 'd quit taking the Paxil that had been prescribed to me in college for that nebulous , modern affliction known as Generalized Anxiety . Since taking my last dose of those pink pills , the world had become a ghoulish place indeed . The physical symptoms of the drug withdrawal were uncomfortable - the constant nausea , chronic insomnia , and damned fatigue were draining - but it was the mental and emotional troubles that were truly frightening . I could no longer make sense of or enjoy a normal day because my system was a toxic stew of depression , guilt , and dread . And I was routinely getting " trapped " in my own head , sequestered in uncomfortably close quarters with a motley mix of intrusive and negative thoughts . I was alone in such a way even when surrounded by loved ones . I was constantly slipping further and further into that empty darkness , and there only seemed to be one solution : I needed to get back on the Paxil . I fished a little pill from the orange , plastic bottle that had become such a familiar sight over the years , and I swallowed the bitter pharmaceutical hopefully . However , almost immediately I knew there was a problem . My bedroom started spinning and shifting , and I felt a nausea so profoundly upsetting that it seemed as if I were receiving some divine punishment from above - a punishment for crawling back to the devil instead of seeking God in my hour of need . Because my body had fought so valiantly to rid itself of paroxetine 's chemical intrusions - after my tired mind had perhaps seen some reprieve in the near future - the entirety of my being protested the medication 's sudden return . My systems began to kick and scream , yelling at me , What have you done ? My world seemed to be crashing down quickly , so I did what any married man in his midthirties would do under such duress : I called my mom . " Please , please don 't think less of me for taking the pill , " I cried into the phone . " If I really need this medication because I 'm sick , then please don 't think less of me . " I 'd said that I was going to stop the medication and get healthy , but now I wasn 't sure what healthy was . Was it quitting the pills or taking them ? Was I now sick because I 'd been duped into taking the pills , or had I really needed the pills all along because I was born sick , the woeful and unlucky recipient of a deficient serotonin or norepinephrine supply . " You know that your dad and I would never think less of you , " my mom reassured me as only a mother can . Her words made me feel a little less like a failure , but I still felt gut - wrenchingly sick from the pill I 'd swallowed . I wondered when the effects of that pill would subside , and I wondered when my wife would be getting home . Dr . Feelgood was tanned and confident . He had a nice haircut and a paunch that seemed to speak of nice restaurants . He smiled often through the adornment of his goatee , and he often tried to reassure me that we were buddies more than anything . He acted casual and cool by throwing me winks and even the thumb - and - index - finger gunshot on one occasion , and he always gave me more pills when I asked for them . Now that I was trying to get off the pills , Dr . Feelgood didn 't seem to fully understand me anymore . Either that or he didn 't want to admit to playing any part in the gruesome scene I was now presenting to him . I was in pain , all the time , and I was looking for answers and reassurance . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . I 'd been off the Paxil - with the exception of that one , ill - advised reinstatement dose - for about four months , and nothing felt close to being over . If my harrowing pains and mental fog weren 't withdrawal , then I was seriously ill with something that seemed willing and able to kill me . " It sounds like your pains are mostly stress related , " Feelgood said . " We all channel stress in different ways . If you don 't want to take an SSRI antidepressant , then maybe you 'd have some luck with Wellbutrin . " After the Wellbutrin , I almost tried other prescriptions , too . Every so often at work - when the withdrawal had me feeling as if I were about to lose my mind or go into cardiac arrest - I 'd step outside and place a frantic phone call to Feelgood 's office . " Maybe Pill X or Pill Y will help , " I 'd suggest to his nurse hopefully , but I never followed through on those suggestions , because the thought of eventually having to tackle yet another pill withdrawal was more than I could stomach . In addition to quitting the Paxil , I 'd begun a tapering schedule to quit the Xanax that had been prescribed alongside the Paxil so many years ago ( for acute instances of panic ) , and it was starting to seem like more than coincidence that my body pains and mental confusion increased as my levels of medication decreased . After a while , I wanted nothing more to do with medications . I just wanted my doctor to define my situation and offer me hope that it would get better . I just wanted to know that I wasn 't dying , really . I wanted expert guidance that would take me through the prescription drug withdrawal process , but unfortunately , Dr . Feelgood didn 't have much to offer in that department . " You should have quit the Xanax first , " was about all Feelgood had to say when I outlined my situation for him and pressed for withdrawal - specific information . I 'm still not sure of the logic behind that statement , but I think he was giving a sly nod to the pain he knew I was yet to endure if I continued to cut my Xanax dosage . I 'm almost certain that he had seen my sort of situation before ( how could he not have ? ) , but he never came out and said so . Instead , he acted a little confused . I was starting to feel hopeless . Was I somehow imagining it all ? Where besides the Internet could I find information regarding the strange physical and mental symptoms that had been torturing me for months ? Where could I turn for help ? Oh , how I wished that I 'd never left my first doctor . Some time earlier , when that primary care physician whom I 'll call The Good Doctor had started to get squeamish with my Xanax levels and refused to increase them any further , I 'd sought a replacement for him and quickly found a sympathetic goatee in Dr . Feelgood . But now I desperately wished that I 'd never switched loyalties . The Good Doctor was a man who truly cared about his patients . He had a healthy BMI , a clean - shaven face , and a compassionate demeanor . He 'd truly seemed to care about me . The Good Doctor had preached about the need to attack anxiety and other illnesses with methods other than pills , and when he didn 't understand something - as was the case when he admitted to being a little green about clinical levels of anxiety - he acknowledged his ignorance and tried to make a wise referral ( in my case , a referral to a therapist whom I don 't remember ever calling ) . The Good Doctor had been so kind and concerned . He 'd talked about total wellbeing and things like exercise and a healthy diet . Appointments with him might last upwards of 40 minutes - well , well past the 15 minutes or 20 minutes that I 'm sure the clinic held as sacrosanct " best - practice " parameters - and he was not a man who relished reaching for the prescription pad , which seemed to be a last resort for him . One day , after I 'd already been seeing Dr . Feelgood for some time , I received a letter from The Good Doctor , a communication he must have sent to all current and former patients . The letter said that he was leaving the medical profession to teach middle school . The Good Doctor said that he was looking forward to helping children learn about the planets . When I arrived for my appointment with Dr . Dipstick , I was broken , fragile , and nervous . I was desperately looking for someone to help me , but would he be the one ? I tried to remain optimistic . Maybe he would smile and tell me , " The truth is that we see this all the time . We prescribe A LOT of these medications , so we have to help a lot of people get off them , too . Don 't worry , you 're not dying ( friendly chuckle ) , you 're just going through withdrawal . You 're going to be all right , and I 'm going to help you until you are fully recovered . " But Dr . Dipstick didn 't say any of that . Instead , he was at first indifferent and then insulting . He actually made me feel foolish and ashamed for coming to him , and he often seemed confused as to what I wanted out of the visit . I tried to explain to him how I 'd been suffering since quitting Paxil and then embarking on a Xanax - reduction schedule , but my words hit a wall . Maybe he was ignorant of prescription drug withdrawal , but if he was , he could have admitted that ignorance and providing a referral to someone else like The Good Doctor would have . Instead , he began to fill the void with blame . " Maybe you could refer me to someone who could guide me through this ? " I asked , shaking . " Maybe to someone in your psychiatry department who specializes in anxiety and the medications used to treat anxiety . " I was beginning to see a disturbing picture emerge . When I 'd been dutifully taking the medications , I 'd been a valued patient . The doctors had happily provided with information about " transition periods " and side - effects . But now that I was quitting the medications , I was nothing to them but an addict or neurotic who needed to help himself . They had no medical information for me , and they seemed to have no insight into the many symptoms that were making my life hell . The visit to Dipstick was bad , but the paperwork I received from his office several days later was almost worse . Under Reasons for Visit , Dr . Dipstick had written Alcohol Abuse . My mind raced , wondering why he was doing this . Was he a friend of Dr . Feelgood ? Was he trying to protect his friend - the one who had seen my Xanax prescription balloon under his watch - from some sort of lawsuit ? Whatever the case , the comments he 'd added to my official medical record had just further muddied the waters of my situation at the clinic . Those comments would be the first thing that a new doctor would read ( if I went to one ) , so there was now zero chance that I 'd get any educated help . " Dr . Dipstick says that he won 't do that , " she said , not unkindly . I was both heartbroken and furious . I wanted to drive to the clinic and confront the doctor in person , but of course , withdrawal had left me too timid and weak for such a heroic effort . Instead , I wrote a letter to the clinic a few months later . As I wrote my letter , I tried to channel my frustration and righteous anger . I told the clinic about Dr . Dipstick 's dismissive and judgmental demeanor , and I told them about how the increase in my liver enzyme numbers - the increase that Dipstick had attached , along with my withdrawal pains , to beer drinking - appeared to have been just another dangerous effect of the medications I was quitting . Those numbers had returned to normal once I 'd quit Paxil and started reducing Xanax dosages , so I felt that such a fact needed to be entered into some official record . I wanted to enter every last bit of my situation into some official record so that future withdrawal cases wouldn 't be dismissed so easily . As it turned out , I did make another appointment with the clinic , a final visit to Dr . Feelgood that would be my last doctor appointment to date . By that time I 'd been off Paxil for nearly 16 months and completely free of Xanax for about four months . New physical and mental pains were still arriving every week , and although I doubted Feelgood had any new insights for me , I wanted him to run some tests to make sure that I wasn 't seriously ill with something other than withdrawal . " And I want to start cutting back on my blood pressure medications , too , " I said . " Now that I 'm getting healthier , I just don 't think I need them anymore . Certainly not three of them . " " We can start reducing those and see how it goes , " Feelgood said without much hesitation . He demeanor was friendly , and I even thought I sensed a newfound respect coming from him . I don 't know if he 'd ever seen a patient of his successfully quit multiple medications or not , but now that he 'd seen me do it , maybe he would have something hopeful to tell future patients who were suffering through similar scenarios . Or maybe I was just imagining increased attention and thoughtfulness on his part . Maybe I just wanted to see something positive in the situation . Thankfully , my lab results from that last visit to Dr . Feelgood all came back normal . However , the pain of prescription drug withdrawal continued for a good while . Even the blood pressure medications that I was able to give up after getting back to a healthy lifestyle came with a ridiculous amount of withdrawal effects , things that could lead a person to believe that he was losing his mind or dying if he didn 't know better . Pills do have consequences , even if a trusted doctor is prescribing them and even if health insurance is paying for them . Prescription drug withdrawal is real , even if a relatively small number of people are talking about it . It 's as real as any purported benefits of the medications that are so readily given out nowadays for every ailment under the sun . Think about it : if a designer mix of chemicals is introduced into a person 's system with the intent purpose of altering how the mind and body function , then why wouldn 't there be severe physical and mental repercussions when that mix of chemicals is taken away ? I 'm now of the opinion that patients should almost always look at prescriptions as a last resort : there are simply too many known instances of modern drugs making people 's physical , emotional , or mental health worse . Recovery from prescription - drug withdrawal is possible : that 's important for people to know . I 've now been free of Paxil for almost four years and off of Xanax for a little more than three . I consider myself mostly " cured " of withdrawal ( time and healthy self - care habits seem to be the only remedies , by the way ) , but I still occasionally wonder if I might have some lingering fatigue , confusion , or other symptoms that are the result of taking or quitting the medications ( although I realize that such complaints might also just be a common part of approaching 40 in a competitive and stressed - out society ) . And about the anxiety ? I still get flustered and worried at times , but I 've found that there are ways to fight through such emotions ( or avoid them ) without making a Faustian deal that involves sacrificing parts of my greater well - being . I often wonder how different my life might have been if I 'd never taken those damned pills in the first place . But such wondering is useless , as useless as the idea that doctors and their pills can keep a person healthy in the first place . True health requires nutritious eating , regular exercise , adequate downtime , meaningful relationships , spiritual enrichment , and professional fulfillment . The Good Doctor would probably tell you that , but unfortunately , he 's not practicing anymore . ShareShare on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to print ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . SO , YOU WANT A LOBOTOMY ? Posted by lorifarquharbryenton on October 19 , 2013 See , I 'm a big proponent of D . I . Y . Have executed countless D . I . Y . projects myself , shared many functional D . I . Y . tips on my Pinterest and Facebook accounts . I haven 't necessarily tried all of them , but I find that the ones that require no special skill , are not crazy expensive and ALWAYS get the expected result should be shared and this D . I . Y . fits all that criteria and then some . This is one of your easier D . I . Y . 's . With a little bit of research ( under one hour ) you will find all the information about all the drugs that you require , but a little bit of advice from this self proclaimed D . I . Y . Diva - I would stay away from ' accredited websites ' such as Health Canada or the FDA - they tend to never get it right . They must suppress or ignore ( I really don 't know what the hell they 're doing with ) actual reports from real people . This is a nightmare for D . I . Y . ers . You need to get the data from people who have actually taken ( or are on ) these drugs to get the real skinny . Google " I feel like a Zombie " or something like that . See what happens . Depending on how fast you want this to come about , you may want to double or triple up on the drugs you have chosen . That 's the beauty of D . I . Y . eh ? YOU control this as it 's totally dependent on your choice of drug ( s ) and how long you want to spend getting there . No hospital stay or even visit , required . Easier than ever to achieve . No expensive specialists needed - you don 't even have to waste your time and ( in the U . S . ) money on a psychiatrist ! Your family doctor will help ! Just tell him what you want and he 'll write the prescription ( s ) . It 's a D . I . Y . ' ers duhreeeeaaaam ! No more ice - pick hangover ! No more nasty scars or burn tissue to deal with ! No more niggling fears that too much tissue will be severed ( thus instantaneously rendering you a complete vegetable ) ! Nope , it 's a ' steady as she goes ' process and best of all , you won 't even realize it 's happening ! ! ! Posted in : Uncategorized . Tagged : abilify , adhd , anti - depressants , child psychiatry , Daytrana , drugging children , health , health canada , learning disorder , mental health , mental health advocates , mental health services , Mother , Mothers Day , Parenting , paxil , prozac , Psychiatry , ritalin , school children , seroxat . 2 Comments What would I wish for on Mothers Day ? Let 's see … . world peace ? Yep . No more starving children would be right up there . Both good choices but I 'll let the other activists do their thing in those areas and I 'll just tackle something a little closer to home . A little more in my own backyard so to speak . What I wish for Mothers Day is for all Mums / Moms to watch this video - NUMB , THE DOCUMENTARY . Yep . That would make me one happy Mum . It 's an honest , poignant story about a man trying to get off Paxil ( Seroxat ) who starts to question his own sanity while doing so . For those of us who have either been through a withdrawal and / or have done our homework and are familiar with the fact that withdrawal from these drugs can produce a worsening condition ( worse than the condition you originally started taking the medication for ) this will come as no surprise . However for the unsuspecting number of people , whom I believe to be in the majority , this film will be a real eye - opener … . and that 's a good thing . If a mature , sensible and articulate man is having trouble controlling his emotions coming off this drug , how on earth would a child react ? A little soul in an undeveloped body - impulsive and inarticulate at the best of times ? What is this drug doing to his body / mind in the meantime ? I think it would be more like hell on earth . Posted in : Uncategorized . Tagged : abilify , add , aderall , adhd , anti - depressants , anti - psychotic , antidepressants , bi - polar , bipolar , health canada , label , labelling , lithium , Lorazepam , mental health advocates , mental health commission , mental health industry , paxil , psychiatrist , Psychiatry , schizophrenia , seroxat , zyprexa . 2 Comments Below is a video of Canadian lawyer Shawn Buckley * * LLB . He was the man hired to take on the case of Truehope Nutritional Products vs . Health Canada . Truehope had been raided by Health Canada in 2003 for selling a nutritional product that had ( at that time ) helped over 3 , 000 people successfully come off psychiatric drugs . Some had been diagnosed and labelled with ' mental disorders ' , some just hooked on one kind of psychiatric drug or another and trying to get off . I have on numerous occasions , had the very good fortune of spending time with Tony ( co - founder of Truehope ) & Barbara Stephen . They have both lived the nightmare of having close personal relationships with people labelled mentally ill ( bi - polar ) and on some pretty heavy medications . They are two of the most generous , down to earth , loving people I have ever met . Two very big hearts who have made it their personal mission to help others get off these insidious drugs . * * Shawn Buckley is a constitutional and criminal lawyer with expertise in the Food and Drugs Act and Regulations . He is president of Canada 's Natural Health Products Protection Association ( NHPPA ) , a non - profit organization devoted to protecting Canadians ' access to natural health products . In 2010 , the NHPPA launched its Three Part Action Plan to focus attention on Canadians ' constitutional rights . This plan includes the Charter of Health Freedom ( www . charterofhealthfreedom . org ) . ShareShare on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to print ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . WILL CANADA ADOPT W . AUSTRALIA ' S MENTAL HEALTH BILL 2011 ? Posted by lorifarquharbryenton on March 14 , 2012 Posted in : Uncategorized . Tagged : abilify , add , aderall , adhd , anti - depressants , anti - psychotic , antidepressants , bi - polar , bipolar , health canada , label , labelling , lithium , Lorazepam , mental health advocates , mental health commission , mental health industry , paxil , psychiatrist , Psychiatry , schizophrenia , seroxat , zyprexa . 4 Comments Lawdy , lawdy … . what do we have heeyah ! ! I was all set to write two completely separate posts but found , eerily enough , that the information I had gathered was in fact , somehow connected . So I thought I 'd just clump em ' both together . You 'll see what I mean in a minute . First of all , I had my attention half way around the world , knickers all in a knot regarding a Draft Mental Health Bill 2011 , written by The Western Australia Mental Health Commission ( MHC ) and having just been brought before the WA ( Western Australia ) Legislature . Click here for the MHC Draft Mental Health Bill for Dummies . One of the most alarming pieces of work I 've ever come across . This bill was overseen by the Mental Health Commissioner and clinical psychologist , Mr Eddie Bartnik . Well , you 'll never guess ( some of you will ) who Mr . Bartnik is connected up with way over yonder ? None other than the renowned " Australian of the Year " awardee , Dr . Patrick McGorry . See here . Why doesn 't that surprise me ? Birds of a feather and all that . If you 've never heard of him , Patrick McGorry is the Psychiatrist who came up with the EARLY INTERVENTION idea , which premise is based on identifying and treating psychosis in its early stages to prevent patients developing full - blown psychotic illnesses - from the womb up no less . I couldn 't make this stuff up . Yeah Paddy , like there 's an actual scientific means to do that . Don 't get me started . ( Even Allen Frances , who chaired the committee that produced the current diagnostic bible for psychiatry , the DSM - IV , has warned that Professor McGorry 's Early Psychosis Intervention Centres do not have a reliable early diagnosis tool ) . Take a look at this . This was passed on to me from a concerned substitute teacher here in Toronto ( my knickers were choking me now ) . It 's a flyer that the school is giving to kids that are having problems . I 'm concerned . Would you want this medical treatment offered to your 13 - year - old son or daughter ? Would you even consider permitting your child to receive E . C . T . - never mind the antidepressant medication ? Just wanted to bring the point home . Anyway , I received this " flyer " in the condition it 's in . Sorry about that . But do you see in the lower right hand corner ? I 've tracked this flyer down . It 's from the Centre for Clinical Intervention and it comes from the Government of Australia . Go to Module 1 , Page 7 . It appears that this was called " Back from the Blues " but they changed it and added some innocuous doctor caricatures for the kids . Makes recommending ECT to a teener more tame I guess . Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside . Is it in all Toronto high schools ? Is it in that school ? You know the one , right around the corner . How did this document from the Government of W . Australia 's Centre for Clinical Intervention end up in a high school in Toronto ? And if we are adopting their " Mental Health " initiatives , is it so far - fetched , so " out there " to believe that if that Bill is passed in Australia , that Canada won 't follow suit ? Is it that far a stretch really ? Posted in : ABOUT ME . Tagged : anti - depressants , anti - psychotic , antidepressants , Canada , Lorazepam , Lori , paxil , prozac , Psychiatry , ritalin , seroxat , Toronto , zyprexa . 4 Comments Please allow me to introduce myself ( from one of my fave Stone 's songs ) . My name is Lori Farquhar - Bryenton and I am a native of Toronto , Canada . Born and bred . I 've lived an interesting , exciting life and will probably continue to do so till the day I die . I like it that way . Many moons ago , when I was around 17 years old , I began to experience " panic attacks " or " anxiety attacks " . It made my life a living hell . I didn 't know what the heck it was so after it happened a few times I decided to make an appointment with my family doctor . He had been my doctor all my life and was a good man . He asked me what was wrong and I told him what I was experiencing and that I was afraid , so afraid and that the fear and the loneliness I was feeling were bad - that I thought I was losing my mind . He told me not to worry , that he had some medication that could help me and proceeded to write me a prescription for Ativan ( 1 ) . He also recommended that I go see someone , and referred me to a psychiatrist . I was so relieved . I walked downstairs to the pharmacy and it was then and there that my nightmare began . I took the pill and within 15 minutes , relief flooded through me . I couldn 't believe it . I was calm , my attention went out ( when it was always " in " ) and I could go back to being my extroverted , fun loving self again ! ! Fabulous . I could get on with living . I was not told that this drug was highly addictive , nor did I ask . He was my doctor and quite frankly , I loved and respected him very much . So , the " magic pill " took care of that . Now I wanted to really delve in and find out what the hell was creating this anxiety . I have to tell you , I was very excited to attack this head on and find out " why " . Psychiatry would have the answer . It 's a science right ? Psyche - from Greek psukhē ' soul , mind ' + iatreia ' healing ' ( from iatros ' healer ' ) . So around 2 weeks later , armed with questions and feeling like I was about to find the true meaning of life I walk into Dr . Fufy 's ( I am going to use a pseudonym here as I just googled his real name . He 's still alive and kicking and I don 't want to get sued . He actually moved his office and works approx . 2 miles from my home ) . He had this upper - crust British accent . You know the one . Where no matter what they say , it sounds legit … . cuz of how they say it . Hell ! I 'd buy a Dyson vacuum cleaner from that guy in the commercial any day . Anyway , starts asking me questions . I 'm thinking " Good . Wants to get to know me before we start digging in " . Then things get a little weird . Starts asking me about my relationship with my Dad . Then alluding to sexual preferences and did I feel a sexual attraction to my father ? Ewwwwwww ! I 'm 17 years old for god 's sake ! ! ! Did I like girls ( didn 't " homosexuality " get voted out of the DSM due to political pressure from Gay Rights Activists ) ? This conversation was interrupted by his secretary who brought him in his tea , on a tray with a white china tea service beside a plate containing little sandwiches , with the crusts cut off ! ( It 's amazing the things that stick in your head ) . So he 's pouring his tea and peering ( leering ) at me above his glasses and continues to press me about my sexual preferences , insinuating things . All in all , a very " Freudian " afternoon . At one point ( and this is when I KNEW that this psychiatrist had no answers ) he says to me " Lori , you are very oral " . Hmmmm . I 'm chewing gum at the time ( ? ) . What the heck is that supposed to mean ? ? ! ! ? ! ? ! This conjured up all sorts of ugly pictures in my head , I 'll tell you . I 'm oral . Okay , I 'm thinking - now where do we go from here ? " Times up , see me in two weeks " . After many visits and much thought I realized that Psychiatry ( or at least Dr . Fufy ) had no scientific means of helping me . As a matter of fact , I came to the conclusion that he had no idea what he was talking about . BUT ! Being the bright , wily and resourceful girl that I was , I knew I had to continue seeing him in order to get my prescription filled ( very bad move - NEVER f * # k with your own integrity ) . I managed to get our " sessions " down to every 6 weeks or so , in order to not have to endure more of his ridiculous evaluative comments . Now , from everything I 've read , from my own personal experience and through research , I 'm gaining a good understanding of psychiatric drugs and their effects and one conclusion ( among many ) that I have come to is that NOTHING stays static when it comes to these drugs . After a while , it doesn 't seem to offer the same effect it did when you started taking it . It either stops working altogether ( where a new drug will be given ) or the dosage needs to be upped . Or - on occasion you will be told that your disease is getting worse . Oh - and by the way , he informed me at some point in our little get - togethers that I was borderline schizophrenic . I don 't think Bi - Polar had been invented yet . That 's what I would have went with . I told Dr . Fufy that I was experiencing a great deal of anxiety and that I couldn 't handle it . Was having a hard time dragging myself to work . By the way , I had a great full time administrative job at that time with Bell Canada and always held a part - time nights / weekend job either in a shoe store or as a waitress / bartender . My psychiatrist decided that I needed to try something else . From what I recall , there were two of them . One was a red pill , one was blue ( haha - like The Matrix ! ) . I have no idea what they were and Prozac ( and it 's ilk ) weren 't out yet . All I know is I hated the way they made me feel . I was given the party line at that time " it takes a few weeks to work , just give it time " . I was on the " red one " for no more than a week and the " blue one " for about 2 days . I threw them out and told him how I felt . On my next visit , he pulls some pills from his credenza and says " try these " . He proceeds to put them in a small brown envelope and passes them to me saying " I have been getting some great results with this drug , a lessening anxiety etc . " . So I thought , why not ? We continue talking for a while and after the " session 's over " announcement , I get up to leave his office . I 'm just about out the door when he says " Oh Lori , I just want you to know that this drug can produce some disturbing side effects , so I 'd like to see you more often at first " . ALARM BELLS . I ask " like what ? " He says and I kid you not " It can make your tongue loll out " . What ghastly vision do you get ? I get visions of a deranged looking psychiatric patient , folks . Slumped over in a chair , tongue hanging out and drooling down my hospital " gown " . Needless to say , I told him no thanks and asked him ( nicely ) for a prescription for Ativan . He berated me and said " Lori , I don 't really think you want to get well " in his imperious British accent . What a joke . Pompous ass ! So I just upped the dosage on my own . This went on for a while until I really felt I 'd had enough . It was not doing the trick at all anymore and I definitely did not want to be dependent on a pill for the rest of my life . So , because Bell Canada would continue to give me 98 % of my salary ( we had good health care benefits there ) while I was away from work for about a month , I asked Dr . Fufy if I could go into the hospital to get off the drugs - to " dry out " so to speak . He said he could arrange that and so it went . I was petrified …… thinking One Flew Over the Cuckoo 's Nest but I was so desperate to get off them and I knew I had to do it . I couldn 't conceive of a life of dependency , even at that age - I was 19 or 20 at the time . So … . . in I go . Now , I could tell you stories about that month , in that place , that would curl your toes , but it would take too much space and I really want to get to the point sometime soon . Actually , I will write about it in a separate post one day . Needless to say , I did " dry out " and left the hospital drug free . I stayed that way for about 3 weeks and went back on Ativan - I just couldn 't cope and keep a job . As Andrew Hays said " my mind had a mind of its own " . There were a few more years of what I like to call " my living hell " but I eventually managed to stop depending on drugs to survive and until this day I 'm sooo thankful I had the sense of mind to do away with them . At that time there was no internet where you could find out about these sort of things ( the truth , not what pharma wants you to think ) . I went " cold turkey " . It was tough and through my own research , apparently I never should have done that as benzo withdrawal can produce some pretty life threatening reactions . You know , seizures and such - but desperate situations sometimes call for desperate measures . Through more research on this subject I have read on numerous occasions that it takes about 2 weeks to successfully withdraw . That my friends is a little bit of an understatement . I would say that the first 3 weeks were a living hell and that it took me around 1 1 / 2 years . Don 't forget , I 'd been suppressing a ton of emotional issues with a drug . All that crap comes back - ten fold ! ! ! But , the spirit can overcome . Where would I be today if I hadn 't had the guts - and I mean guts ( okay , it was a stupid thing to do ) to go " cold turkey " ? What if I had just willingly accepted these other pills ? What if I had had just one iota of respect for this moron with a few letters following his name ? This " expert " . I would be in the same unfortunate boat that millions find themselves in today . Hooked on a drug that may have offered them some much needed relief but now " owns " them and THAT my friends , is why I started this blog . If you find some data on this site somewhat unbelievable , please go and do some research of your own but for heaven 's sake , don 't ask Janssen Pharmaceuticals ( a subsidiary of Johnson & Johnson ) about the efficacy of Risperdal or GlaxoSmithKline if Paxil ( Seroxat in U . K . ) is or isn 't addictive . Okay ? Get my drift ? In other words DO YOUR HOMEWORK ! Make an informed decision . My focus is on Canada 's mental health system with my priority being Canada 's school system where they are pushing just a little too hard to get in " mental health " initiatives . I don 't want Canada 's children labelled and drugged . It 's unnecessary at the least and unethical at best . Most parents are not aware of the dangers of drugs like Ritalin , Adderall etc . that are being prescribed for learning / behavioral difficulties . I have met so many people on the net . Strong , intelligent people with the common theme of having gotten caught up and hurt in some way by the mental health system , when all they were asking for was help . I 'm not just talking Canada here either . It 's ubiquitous . There is no age limit . It 's a huge betrayal folks . Lives are at stake and these like minded individuals are not your average Joes , don 't live their lives with the maxim " to get along you have to go along " . They are fighters each and every one of them . They lobby the government , educate the unsuspecting public and spend their precious time doing these things just so that others don 't get hurt . For that simple reason I love them all . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

In October 2006 a four - year - old from Corpus Christi named Andrew Burd died mysteriously of salt poisoning . His foster mother , Hannah Overton , was charged with capital murder , vilified from all quarters , and sent to prison for life . But was this churchgoing young woman a vicious child killer ? Or had the tragedy claimed its second victim ? What little is known about Andrew Burd 's early life is contained in a slim Child Protective Services case file that chronicles the boy 's descent into the child welfare system . His mother was just sixteen , the file shows , when she gave birth to him in Corpus Christi on July 28 , 2002 . She would later admit , according to one report , " to using alcohol , methamphetamines , cocaine and crack cocaine , LSD , marijuana , cigarettes , and taking prescription Xanax . " His father was seventeen and worked for a traveling carnival . CPS launched its initial investigation into Andrew 's well - being shortly after his first birthday , when his mother took him to a local hospital with a broken arm . Four subsequent investigations were triggered by reports of abuse or neglect , including one allegation that both his mother and maternal grandmother were incapable of properly caring for him because they used methamphetamines . When Andrew was two - and - a - half years old , CPS determined that he was in " immediate danger , " according to an affidavit , and he was put in foster care . His mother 's and father 's parental rights were terminated soon after he turned three . If not for a Corpus Christi couple named Larry and Hannah Overton , Andrew might have lingered in state custody , shuffled from one foster home to another . The Overtons already had four children , and Larry 's income - he installed landscape lighting - was barely enough to make ends meet . But as devoted Christians , their desire to adopt a foster child was rooted in faith more than in practicality . Both Larry and Hannah had done missionary work , and as a teenager , Hannah had spent holidays volunteering at an orphanage across the border , in Reynosa , where she had fed , bathed , and ministered to kids who had been living on the streets . The experience had affected her deeply , and she told Larry that she was willing to adopt a child with disabilities or an older child who had been unable to find a permanent home . As a former private - duty nurse , Hannah felt equipped to handle the challenges of a foster child ; she had spent several years caring for special - needs children , some of whom were profoundly disabled . In 2005 the Overtons began to pursue the idea seriously . They considered adopting a nine - year - old girl who was deaf , but when , after much prayer and deliberation , they decided to move forward with the adoption , they learned that the girl had been placed with another family . Not long afterward , Larry and Hannah heard about Andrew at their church , Calvary Chapel of the Coastlands , which Andrew 's foster mother also attended . The nondenominational church , on the south side of Corpus Christi , drew many young evangelicals with its emphasis on a verse - by - verse understanding of the Bible , and Larry and Hannah were well - regarded members . Larry taught Sunday school , Hannah led a Bible study , and their children , whom Hannah homeschooled , attended youth group and socialized with other members ' kids . Andrew accompanied his foster mother to services every Sunday , and with his thatch of blond hair and beaming grin , he was hard to miss . He had a speech delay and spoke haltingly , sometimes with a stutter , but every week , when his Sunday school classmates went around in a circle to say their prayer requests , he made the same wish aloud : that he would be adopted . The Overtons ' daughters , four - year - old Isabel and three - year - old Ally , reported back to their parents that the new boy in their class needed a family . " Can Andrew be our brother ? " the girls pleaded . A church elder , who was himself an adoptive parent , invited the Overtons to dinner one night and encouraged them to consider bringing Andrew into their home . Andrew 's foster mother , who had provided refuge to roughly three hundred children over three decades , was also supportive . But others at Calvary Chapel expressed their concern . The church 's pastor , Rod Carver , and his wife , Noreen , had initially considered taking in Andrew but ultimately decided he was more than they could handle . More outspoken was Andrew 's Sunday school teacher , who sat Hannah and Larry down and told them that he was a troubled kid . He hoarded food and sometimes ate from the trash , she warned , and he threw intense temper tantrums , which could be tamed only by holding and rocking him . On several occasions his fits had grown so extreme that she had resorted to asking a male parishioner to physically remove him from the classroom until he could regain self - control . " Think of your other children , " she urged the couple . Yet if anyone was up to the task , most everyone agreed , it was the Overtons , and Hannah in particular . She was unflappable and unfailingly patient with children . Hannah shrugged off the teacher 's warnings , certain that Andrew would improve once he had the stability of a permanent home . " All he needs is lots of love and attention , " she told Larry . The Overtons moved forward with the adoption process , and in the spring of 2006 , they received word that Andrew would be coming to live with them for a six - month trial period before the adoption was finalized . In anticipation of his arrival , Larry built a three - tiered bunk bed for Andrew and the two Overton boys : Isaac , who was seven years old , and Sebastian , who was two . Larry and Hannah knew that Andrew loved Spider - Man , so they made sure to have all manner of Spider - Man - themed necessities for him : sheets , pajamas , a toothbrush , a towel , a swimsuit , and even a plate embossed with the superhero 's image . Andrew spent his first night at the Overtons ' modest ranch - style house on Mother 's Day , when he was two months shy of his fourth birthday , and he seemed to quickly grow attached to his new family . He called Hannah and Larry " Mommy " and " Daddy , " and he followed Larry everywhere he went , often stepping on Larry 's heels as he trailed after him . At Sunday school , he became more expressive , stringing words into sentences and holding hands with his new sister Ally . " The Overtons are nurturing , loving , patient , and very family - oriented , " an adoption supervisor noted in her paperwork . " Andrew seems very happy in this home . " Four months later , on October 2 , 2006 , Andrew fell suddenly and acutely ill while he was alone with Hannah . Larry hurried home to help , but Andrew , who had been vomiting , only grew worse . The Overtons rushed him to a nearby urgent care clinic after his breathing became labored and he stopped responding to their questions , but by the time they arrived , he had fallen unconscious . The following evening , Andrew was dead . The cause of death was determined to be salt poisoning , an extremely rare occurrence that , in children , results from either a child inadvertently ingesting too much salt or a caretaker deliberately forcing the child to do so . People who knew the Overtons were certain that Andrew 's bewildering death was accidental . But law enforcement and emergency medical personnel who treated Andrew thought otherwise . The following week , Hannah - who had no history with CPS and no previous arrests , and had never had so much as a parking ticket - was charged with capital murder . Before Hannah got married , when she was still Hannah Saenz , she knew she wanted a large family - " at least six kids , " she used to tell people . Standing just five feet tall , with wide - set brown eyes , a girlish laugh , and a warm , easy manner , Hannah was almost childlike herself . The daughter of a pastor and a homemaker , she had grown up longing for the companionship and boisterous energy of the big , churchgoing families she saw around her . She had only one sibling , a brother who was seven years her junior , and a father who was largely absent from her life . Hannah 's father was the Reverend Bennie Saenz , an evangelical preacher in Corpus Christi whose fall from grace profoundly altered the course of her childhood . Hannah was seven when Saenz was arrested in 1984 and charged with a singularly horrific crime : the bludgeoning death of a sixteen - year - old girl whose nude body was discovered at the water 's edge on Padre Island . Until his arrest , Saenz had led a seemingly normal life : in addition to leading his nondenominational congregation , he worked as an office - machine mechanic while his wife , Lane , stayed home with their two children . He delivered sermons to a small but devoted following that met every Sunday , and during services he also played guitar . ( Larry 's parents , who were friends of the Saenzes ' , were parishioners . ) But Saenz 's account of his whereabouts on the evening of the murder did not jibe with the evidence , and blood that matched the victim 's type was discovered inside his van . After a week - long trial , he was convicted of murder and sentenced to 23 years in prison . The congregation quickly dissolved . Hannah understood little of what had taken place except that she , her mother , and her brother had to leave Corpus Christi behind . Lane and her children moved to the East Texas town of Lindale , where a missionary organization , the Calvary Commission , allowed them to live in a modest apartment on its grounds free of charge . Lane earned her college degree and became an elementary school teacher , while Hannah played with , and later babysat , the children of missionaries who used the campus as a home base between trips abroad . " She looked after dozens of children , including my grandchildren , and in all the years she was here , I can 't recall one negative thing being said about her , " the commission 's founder , Joe Fauss , told me . " Kids loved her . She was always smiling , always laughing . " As a teenager , she was captivated by missionaries ' stories of serving in far - flung places , and she began going on group mission trips herself , once venturing as far as Romania . Every Easter and Christmas holiday was spent at the Reynosa orphanage , whose wards were primarily the unwanted children of prostitutes who worked the nearby red - light district . Though the kids were in poor health , Hannah was unreserved in her affection . She hugged them and let them climb onto her lap , often returning to Lindale with head lice . " Some people love stray animals , " remembered her mother , now remarried . " Hannah was always drawn to stray people . " When she was fifteen , Hannah returned to Corpus Christi with her family to visit , and Larry , who had not seen her since they were kids , was immediately smitten . Hannah was less impressed , given that Larry - who , at sixteen , was an enthusiastic fan of Christian punk rock - was sporting a nose ring and a blue mohawk . Despite appearances , however , he was hardly a reprobate . A committed Christian , he had gone on mission trips with his family since he was a child , including a fourteen - month stint in Papua New Guinea and several treks across Mexico . He didn 't drink or smoke , and the bands he listened to sang about glorifying God . He struck up a correspondence with Hannah , but she did not warm to him until their paths crossed again at a year - long missionary training school outside Tyler , when she was nineteen and he was a more clean - cut twenty . Hannah liked the tall , serious - minded student who shared the same hopes she had of creating a life centered on children and Christian outreach . They wed a year later and moved to Corpus Christi . On their honeymoon , they stopped at the orphanage in Reynosa , where Hannah wanted Larry to meet some of the children she had told him so much about . Before they started a family , Hannah worked as a private - duty nurse for disabled children , and her longest assignment - with a four - year - old named Michael Subialdea - became as absorbing to her as her time in Reynosa . Michael , who had been born prematurely , was severely impaired ; he had cerebral palsy , was blind , and could not walk or talk . Rather than let him remain in his wheelchair most of the day , as previous caretakers had done , Hannah kept him moving ; she took him into his family 's pool to stretch and used massage to loosen his contracted muscles . He felt at ease around her ; his favorite thing to do was sit on her lap and rest his mouth on her cheek , and she gladly obliged . " She had a way with Michael that even my wife and I didn 't completely understand , " his father , Richard , told me . He recalled how Michael used to chew on his fingers , a chronic problem that left his skin bloody and raw . Richard and his wife had tried all sorts of tactics to deter him : redirecting his attention , putting gloves on him , even restraining his hands . Only Hannah had been able to break through . " When Michael put his fingers in his mouth , she would call his name softly - there was no anger in her voice - and he would smile and slowly slide his fingers out , " Richard said . " We were in awe . " Hannah went into labor with her first child , Isaac , at the Subialdeas ' house , and though she had planned to come back to work after her son 's birth , she found the separation from him too wrenching . She left nursing behind , channeling her energy instead into raising the large family she had always wanted . " I 'm a pretty easygoing guy , but I remember thinking , ' Six kids ? ' " Larry told me . " Hannah was sure I would eventually come around . I figured , ' Well , we 've got to start with one , so let 's see how far we get . ' " Isabel , and then Ally , followed . Each pregnancy felt extraordinarily fortunate ; after Isaac , Hannah had suffered two miscarriages and been advised that she might not be able to have more children . But after the girls , the Overtons conceived their fourth child , Sebastian . Early in the pregnancy , Hannah and Larry were informed that the boy would likely have Down syndrome . They declined to do any further chromosomal testing and turned to prayer instead . " If he had Down 's , that was the blessing that God had chosen to give us , " Larry said . Not until Sebastian was born did doctors discover that his only impairment was a hole in his heart , which healed on its own . Two years later , the Overtons learned that their adoption application had been approved and that Andrew would be joining their family . They also discovered that Hannah was pregnant again . Just as she had hoped , they would have six children . It was , Hannah and Larry would later remember , one of the happiest times in their lives . At first , the transition with Andrew went smoothly . He seemed to enjoy having brothers and sisters to play with , and the Overton kids - especially the girls , who doted on him - were enthralled by the new arrival . Although he hung back when his siblings embraced their parents in group hugs , Larry and Hannah learned that if they asked Andrew to join in , he would do so enthusiastically , throwing his arms around them . Whenever he got scared - and there was a long list of things that petrified him , from swimming to large crowds to the sound of balloons popping - the Overtons worked to help him overcome his fears , reassuring him that they loved him and that he was in safe surroundings . " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me , " Hannah would remind him , quoting Philippians . Andrew 's standard answer whenever he was asked to perform a simple task was " Sorry , I can 't , " but Hannah was heartened one day that summer when he deviated from the script . " Sorry , I - " he began , when she asked him to put on his shoes . Then he corrected himself . Reaching for his shoes , he announced , " I can do all things . " Larry remembered , " We felt like we were really making headway with him . " Although the adoption agency that had worked with CPS to find Andrew a home had described him as " developmentally on target " except for his speech delay , Larry and Hannah observed otherwise . He acted more like a toddler than a preschooler , they noted ; if he wanted an object , he pointed to it and grunted . At four , he spent most of his time playing with Sebastian , who was two , rather than Ally , who was his own age , and his motor skills lagged far behind those of his peers . He moved unsteadily , and he was so clumsy that Hannah had him wear a life jacket whenever he splashed around in their inflatable kiddie pool . Most striking to the Overtons , and to their neighbors and friends , was his preoccupation with eating . Regardless of how much food he consumed , he complained that he was hungry . If he was denied a second or third helping , he would routinely throw a tantrum or get down on his hands and knees to scavenge the floor for crumbs . Larry and Hannah caught him trying to eat cat food , crayons , toothpaste , glow sticks , tufts of carpeting - anything he could get his hands on . When they took him along on errands , they had to keep him from eating the old gum and cigarette butts he found on the ground . Yet the Overtons were not too concerned . In the classes they had been required to take by CPS to become adoptive parents , they had been warned that foster children often hoarded food and were more likely to have eating disorders . And given that abuse and neglect during the first year of life can profoundly affect behavioral development , they were not surprised that Andrew was different . " We had been told to expect a lot of the things we were seeing with Andrew , " Larry told me . His foster mother had taken him to a pediatrician for an adoption screening shortly before he had come to live with them , and the checkup had raised no red flags . " We truly thought his obsession with food was a behavioral issue , not a medical one , " Larry said . " We thought that he would stop turning to food for comfort when he learned that he could trust us . " To try and curtail Andrew 's compulsive eating , they put him in time - outs , though to little effect . Other couples they knew who had adopted foster children assured them that their kids had outgrown similar eating issues , and the Overtons assumed that , with time , Andrew would outgrow his as well . Andrew 's behavior worsened that September , after the family was involved in a car accident . The Overtons were returning from a visit to the obstetrician 's office , where they had brought the children to find out whether the baby they were expecting was a boy or a girl . The mood in the car was giddy ; the kids were excitedly discussing the news that they would have a baby sister when Larry , distracted , ran a stop sign and collided with another car . The passenger side of their old Ford van was not equipped with an air bag , and Hannah , who had pulled down her seat belt so she could turn to talk to the kids , was jolted forward , her face hitting the dashboard . Afterward , she instinctively looked back to check on the children , not realizing that her face was covered in blood . In the midst of the chaos that followed , no one recognized how distressed Andrew was by the sight of Hannah 's bloodied face . Hannah and the girls , who complained of feeling achy , were taken to the hospital in an ambulance while Larry 's parents picked up the rest of the family and , after dropping Larry off at the hospital , took the boys to a nearby Whataburger . Throughout the meal , Andrew repeatedly asked , " Is my mom okay ? " He also kept requesting more food . Hannah , who was left with whiplash and a severely swollen jaw , spent the next several weeks immobilized by a neck brace , mostly confined to bed . Financially , the accident had come at a precarious time ; Larry had recently purchased his boss 's landscape lighting business , and he needed to put in long hours just to make ends meet . Relatives , neighbors , and members of the Overtons ' church pitched in to look after the kids during Hannah 's recovery , but the revolving door of caregivers proved to be difficult for Andrew , who began acting out on a scale they had not seen before . He picked at mosquito bites on his body incessantly , prompting Larry to put socks on his hands ; still , Andrew would not stop scratching and eventually developed a staph infection on his arm . His tantrums grew longer and more extreme , and he often banged his head against the floor . Sometimes he cried inconsolably for hours . Overwhelmed , the Overtons sought guidance in prayer . Fellow church member Anita Miotti remembers their telling her and her husband , Rich , that they were struggling . " They said Andrew was going through a very difficult time , " she said . " They asked us , ' Can you pray that we have discernment and wisdom in helping him through this ? ' Andrew 's preoccupation with eating intensified , and he began getting out of bed at night to forage for food in the kitchen . Hoping to show him that his behavior was self - destructive , Larry told Andrew one morning that he could have as much as he wanted for breakfast . " I knew it would probably make him sick , but I wanted him to understand why we were setting limits , " Larry explained . At Andrew 's request , he made a plate of sausage and more than a dozen eggs , all of which the boy eagerly devoured . Andrew continued eating until he threw up . Then he asked for more . Perplexed , Larry installed a baby monitor equipped with a video camera in the boys ' room so that he and Hannah could observe if Andrew was wandering into the kitchen at night . It was while watching the monitor that Hannah saw him trying to eat part of his foam mattress and paint off the wall . She reported Andrew 's unusual eating habits to his adoption supervisor when she visited the Overton home on September 25 . The supervisor suggested that Andrew might have an eating disorder called pica , which is characterized by a desire to consume things that have no nutritional value , and she recommended that he be evaluated by a specialist if his behavior continued . That Sunday , October 1 , Larry took the other kids to church while Hannah devoted some extra attention to Andrew . Before the family returned home , Andrew asked if he could have lunch , and Hannah told him that he needed to wait ; Larry was bringing them something to eat , she explained , and he would be back in a few minutes . Andrew flew into a rage . He defecated on the floor of his bedroom , then smeared feces on the bed , the dresser , and the walls . Larry attempted to restore order upon his return , putting Andrew 's soiled sheets in the garbage and hosing off the boy and his foam mattress in the backyard . While Larry tried to scrub down the bedroom , Andrew pulled his sheets out of the trash several times , despite repeated warnings not to do so . Losing his patience , Larry took the sheets to the family 's fire pit and burned them . " Not the brightest thing to do , " Larry conceded . " But I was frustrated . The sheets were filthy , and he was getting poop everywhere . I made sure that he saw that we had an identical set of Spider - Man sheets so he would calm down . " That evening Larry laid a sleeping bag on top of Andrew 's plywood bed frame , where , he told the boy , he would have to spend the night while his mattress finished drying . The three oldest Overton children had gone to their aunt 's house to see their cousins , who were visiting from out of town , and Andrew grew increasingly agitated and restless , throwing a tantrum at three o ' clock in the morning . " Before we ever tried to adopt , we had been warned that this was going to be difficult , that this was not going to be the Little Orphan Annie story , " Larry told me . " We were having a hard time , but we knew it was going to pass . We were in it for the long haul . " Larry left for work the follow ­ ing morning , and Hannah , who was still in considerable pain from the car accident , gave Andrew and Sebastian breakfast before bringing them into bed with her to watch cartoons . Exhausted from the previous night , she briefly dozed off , then awoke to discover that Andrew had slipped out of the room . She found him standing on a stool in the pantry , near the baking ingredients , having pulled something off the shelf . She could not recall later what , exactly , he had been holding in his hand . According to Hannah , Andrew once again asked for an early lunch , and once again , when she told him that he would have to wait , he defecated and smeared feces across the floor . Hannah managed to clean him up , but when she reiterated that he would have to wait until lunchtime to eat , he defecated on the floor again . Finally she relented , heating up what she had on hand : leftover vegetable - beef soup flavored with Zatarain 's Creole Seasoning . Shortly after noon , Larry picked her and the boys up and took them to a McDonald 's drive - through , and then the chiropractor , before returning to work . ( Andrew was told that he could not have any food at McDonald 's , since he had already eaten . ) When Andrew complained of being hungry that afternoon , Hannah gave him more of the leftover soup . When she refused to give him a second helping , he threw a tantrum and shouted , " I hate you ! " Finally , Hannah resorted to sprinkling some Zatarain 's into a sippy cup of water , hoping that the taste alone would appease him . After drinking a little , he threw another tantrum that continued unabated for twenty minutes . Then , abruptly , Andrew grew quiet and stumbled to the floor . " Mommy , I 'm cold , " he said , and threw up . Shortly afterward , at three - thirty , Hannah called Larry and asked him to come home since Andrew was vomiting and she needed his help . The boy 's symptoms that afternoon - vomiting , chills , and lethargy - initially suggested to the Overtons that he had a routine ailment , like a stomach bug . But as the afternoon wore on , his symptoms grew troubling ; his breathing became congested , and he became less and less responsive . Just after five o ' clock , the Overtons put him in their car and rushed him to a nearby urgent care clinic . A block away from the clinic , as they waited at a red light , Andrew stopped breathing . Frantic , Hannah began administering CPR in the backseat . At the clinic , she continued giving him mouth - to - mouth and chest compressions until paramedics took over , but the four - year - old lay motionless . He soon lapsed into a coma . The next morning , Corpus Christi police detective Michael Hess paid a visit to Kathi Haller , the Overtons ' next - door neighbor , who knew the family well . Like Hannah , Haller homeschooled her children , and the two mothers split teaching duties ; the Haller children went to the Overton home for instruction for part of the day and vice versa . The families shared an unofficial open - door policy , and when Andrew had begun acting up the previous afternoon , Hannah had called Haller for help , asking if she could look after Sebastian for a little while . Then , as always , Hannah had been composed , despite the strain she was under . " We had known each other for ten years , and I don 't think I 'd ever seen her mad , " Haller told me . Hess , who investigated child abuse cases for the police force 's family violence unit , had a very different impression of Hannah . The detective had been alerted to Andrew 's grave condition when the boy was transported to a nearby hospital the previous afternoon and , as was protocol , had begun looking into the circumstances surrounding the boy 's unusual and rapid decline . Haller , who took notes documenting her conversation with Hess and later testified about it under oath , recalled the detective 's certainty that Hannah had tried to kill Andrew . According to Haller , he told her , " Look , she 's pregnant and she has all these kids , but it was just too much for her . So she had to find a way out . " ( Hess did not respond to interview requests for this article but has previously denied Haller 's version of events . ) Haller was stunned by the accusation . " I kept denying that Hannah could do such a thing , " she told me . " Hannah would never harm a child . " Even setting aside her loyalty to her friend , the detective 's theory made no sense to her . " Andrew 's adoption hadn 't been finalized , " Haller said . " If Hannah had been looking for a ' way out , ' she would have called the adoption agency and told them that she and Larry couldn 't go through with it . " Hess was unmoved . Before he left , Haller recalled his saying , " You might want to prepare for the media . " Hess ' suspicions had developed the previous evening during an interview with Hannah , who had consented to talk to him without an attorney present . The medical staff at Driscoll Children 's Hospital had determined that Andrew had nearly twice the normal level of sodium in his blood - a highly abnormal finding - as well as bleeding in the brain , and as Hess questioned her , he tried to ascertain what had happened . But Hannah , who was bewildered by Andrew 's condition , had no ready answers . Impatient to return to the boy 's bedside , she gave a hurried , disjointed account of the day that omitted critical details , such as how she had found Andrew in the pantry unattended , and she made only fleeting mention of his unusual eating habits . Hess became exasperated . " I don 't see what caused the trauma to the brain , " he said . " I don 't see what caused the high salt content . That 's what I 'm trying to get you to tell me . " With no obvious explanations to consider , he focused his attention on Hannah . " Did you at any time strike him ? " Hess asked . " Push him ? " Throughout the interrogation , which spanned more than two hours , Hannah insisted that she had never harmed Andrew . Hannah did describe how she and Larry had at first tried to treat the boy 's symptoms themselves , often volunteering more information than the detective had asked for . When Andrew started " breathing funny , " she told Hess , she had administered asthma medication with a nebulizer , hoping to open up his airways . And when he became " less responsive , " she had pulled out her old EMT books to assess what was wrong . Larry had also tried to rouse him by giving him a warm bath . " I wasn 't thinking , obviously , or I would have just taken him to the hospital , " Hannah told the detective . She had studied years earlier to be an EMT , she explained , and although she had never worked as a paramedic , she had felt confident in her training . " I was just trying to fix it - to do anything I could to fix my baby , " she said . When Andrew 's condition worsened , she and Larry had debated whether to call 911 or go to the nearby urgent care clinic , a concern because Andrew lacked health insurance . ( CPS had not yet sent them his Social Security card , which they needed to get him insured . ) She and Larry were under tremendous financial strain , she admitted , but she stressed that they had rushed for help as soon as they realized how critical Andrew 's condition was . Hess remained skeptical of Hannah 's account . " It should be noted that during the entire conversation , Hannah Overton showed almost no emotion , " he later wrote in his police report . In the context of a criminal investigation , the calm that she had always exhibited in the midst of crisis was suddenly a liability - an indication , perhaps , that she was cold - blooded enough to have killed a child . A pediatric critical care specialist who treated Andrew at Driscoll , Alexandre Rotta , grew equally troubled . EMS records show that the boy was admitted with no more than a bruised knee and sores on his right elbow , but during his hospitalization , other significant black - and - blue marks emerged - in particular , on his trunk and nose . EMTs and hospital staff had vigorously poked and prodded the boy as they attempted to revive him , first at the clinic , then in an ambulance , then at Christus Spohn Hospital , where he was initially taken , and finally at Driscoll , where he was transferred to the intensive care unit . CPR had also been performed for an extended period by Hannah and later by medical personnel , who had squeezed the boy 's nose and administered chest compressions for 35 minutes . But Rotta was alarmed by his overall appearance . " This was not a child that came into the office looking well , with a story of , you know , ' He 's just a tomboy , and he falls and hits himself , '   " Rotta would later testify . " This is a child that came in [ to the emergency room ] in cardiopulmonary arrest and was dying . So it is the context and the totality of the injuries that worried me . . . . I was convinced that we were in the presence of a crime . " Within hours of Andrew 's arrival at the hospital , the Overtons ' home had been searched , and soon more facts seemed to bolster the notion of abuse . There was Andrew 's bed - just a bare piece of plywood , with no mattress - and a " security camera , " as the baby monitor was later called at trial , trained on it . There were the charred remnants of his Spider - Man sheets in the fire pit . And then there was the abnormally high sodium level , coupled with Hannah 's account of feeding him Creole seasoning after he had misbehaved . Taken together , the disparate details formed a disturbing picture . It did not matter that Haller , who had seen Andrew in the days leading up to his hospitalization and who was frequently in the Overton home , had never observed any suspicious bruises or indications of abuse . In the eyes of law enforcement , Hannah and Larry were not grieving parents but perpetrators of an appalling crime . As Andrew 's condition deteriorated , CPS barred the Overtons from visiting their son . They were not allowed to be at Andrew 's bedside on the evening of October 3 , when he experienced massive organ failure . He died at 9 : 30 p . m . The death of a child - particu larly a sudden , unexplained death in which abuse is suspected - evokes strong emotions , even among seasoned investigators , doctors , forensics experts , and prosecutors . A more thorough investigation would have uncovered ample evidence to suggest that Andrew had an undiagnosed eating disorder , raising the possibility that he had unintentionally consumed too much salt on his own . But law enforcement officials are accustomed to handling child abuse cases , not medical mysteries , and salt poisoning is rare enough that most emergency room doctors will never encounter a case during their careers . Against the backdrop of possible abuse , authorities wasted little time . Larry was charged with injury to a child for failing to get Andrew timely medical attention . The onus for the boy 's death fell on Hannah , who was charged with capital murder . The state 's case would be predicated in part on the findings of Ray Fernandez , the Nueces County medical examiner , who ruled Andrew 's death to be a homicide . Fernandez determined that the boy had died as a result of acute sodium toxicity , with " blunt force head trauma " as a contributing factor . That Andrew had sustained a head injury was based on the presence of a half - inch area of hemorrhaging under the scalp . There was no evidence of external bleeding or injuries to Andrew 's head , however , and at a pre - trial hearing , Fernandez conceded that the hemorrhaging could have been related to elevated sodium in the blood . State district judge Jose Longoria , who would oversee Hannah 's trial the following fall , would later rule Fernandez 's finding of blunt force trauma to be inadmissible because it was not based on sufficient data or reliable methodology . Nevertheless , the idea that Andrew had sustained a head injury propelled the case forward , further casting Hannah as an abuser . That perception would throw her other children into the investigation as well . During a wide - ranging interview with a social worker to determine if he had ever been abused , Isaac mentioned that he and his siblings had been given pepper , which he described as " spicy stuff , " as a punishment for lying . ( A former pastor of Hannah 's had advocated reprimanding children when they were dishonest by putting a single red pepper flake on their tongues . ) Given that Hannah was suspected of poisoning Andrew with Creole seasoning , the suggestion that the Overtons had used pepper to discipline their children raised immediate concerns . On October 3 , while Andrew was still hospitalized , the agency removed Isaac , Isabel , Ally , and Sebastian from their parents ' custody , placing them in two separate foster homes in Beeville , sixty miles away . The following day , family court judge Carl Lewis awarded temporary custody to Hannah 's mother and stepfather . Larry and Hannah were granted supervised visits . Once reunited with their children - who were terrified by the ordeal - Larry and Hannah had to break the awful news to them about Andrew . Weeping , they told the children that their brother had gone to be with Jesus . A funeral for Andrew followed at Seaside Memorial Park , alongside Corpus Christi Bay , at which Pastor Rod Carver officiated . He and Noreen had recently lost their own son , who had been stillborn , making his grief particularly acute . As he grasped for the right words to convey the depth of pain a parent feels over the loss of a child , he noticed a row of unfamiliar faces . " Hess and a group of CPS workers were standing in the back with dark glasses on , their arms crossed , scowls on their faces , " Carver said . " That was the most uncomfortable service I have ever done . It was very tense . By that point , Hannah had completely broken down emotionally . " Corpus Christi 's introduction to Hannah came the following week , when she and Larry were arrested and led past a bank of TV cameras outside the Nueces County jail . News reports that followed , prominently featuring their grim - faced mug shots , cast the Overton home as a house of horrors . ( " More shocking details on abuse suffered by four - year - old before death , " began one breathless report . ) Veteran defense attorney John Gilmore , whom the Overtons had retained using funds raised by their church , was stunned to learn of the arrests from reporters , who called asking for comment . " Channel Three , Channel Six , Channel Ten , the Caller - Times - they all knew ahead of time , " Gilmore said . " Hess had given me his word that he would tell me if and when warrants were going to be issued , so that Hannah and Larry could turn themselves in . " Instead , law enforcement officials had apprehended the Overtons by making a felony traffic stop , a practice usually reserved for suspects believed to be armed and dangerous . With guns drawn , police officers had surrounded Hannah and Larry 's car as they returned from an errand , forcing them to the ground and handcuffing them . " It was like they were arresting Bonnie and Clyde , " Gilmore said . The media coverage of the case stirred widespread outrage . The Corpus Christi Caller - Times 's online comments section filled with the vitriol of readers , some of whom called for Hannah to receive the death penalty . ( " You can just tell by looking at her how evil she is , " one wrote . ) Fueling the public 's antipathy was an affidavit written by a CPS child abuse investigator named Jesse Garcia , who claimed that Hannah had admitted to forcing Andrew to drink two cupfuls of " chili with water " and quoted her as saying that she then " beat the shit out of him . " Garcia never produced any documentation or witnesses to corroborate his claim , and internal police memos show that law enforcement officials doubted the veracity of his story . Hess disavowed Garcia 's account at a court hearing regarding the Overton children , and prosecutors never entered Garcia 's affidavit into evidence or called him to testify at Hannah 's trial . ( He was subsequently fired by CPS after having three car accidents on the job in less than six months . ) But the damage was done : that Hannah had confessed to force - feeding Andrew and beating him was repeated , uncorrected , on the local news . Even more devastating to Hannah were the actions that CPS took that January . Days after she gave birth to her daughter Emma , CPS took the newborn into protective custody . At a subsequent family court hearing , in which Hannah 's civil attorney argued that she should be given access to the infant so that she could continue nursing her , Judge Lewis returned Emma to her parents , but with conditions . The Overtons had to remain at the Carvers ' home , where they had been staying to avoid the camera crews that were camped out on their own doorstep , and they were never to be left alone with the baby . Hannah - who had already lost a child and was now living apart from her four older ones - was in a fragile state of mind . " There were days I had to remind her to eat , to brush her teeth , to get out of bed , " Noreen told me . The Carvers , like most members of Calvary Chapel , never doubted her innocence . " Knowing Hannah , it was inconceivable that she would ever hurt a child , " said Noreen . Hannah 's supporters included a young churchgoer named Dawn Werkhoven , who had lived with the Overtons the year leading up to Andrew 's death . Hannah and Larry had taken her in after her marriage ended in divorce , giving her their extra bedroom while she got back on her feet . " I never saw Hannah be anything but patient and loving with all the kids , " the now - married mother of two told me . Being in the Overtons ' home had afforded Werkhoven an intimate view of the family . Her bedroom was just a few feet away from the children 's rooms , which were always open ; their doors had been removed so that the kids could easily come and go as they pleased . The children liked to hang out in her room and talk to her , particularly Andrew , who always visited her for an extra hug before bedtime . " If anything had been wrong , I would have known it , " she insisted . " Would I really have stayed with a family that would abuse a child ? " The most unsettling aspect of The State of Texas v . Hannah Ruth Overton , which got under way in August 2007 , was how effectively a woman who had spent most of her life as a do - gooder could be recast as a monster . The particulars of her crime , as sketched out by the prosecution , were vague ; assistant district attorney Sandra Eastwood , a passionate child advocate , conceded in opening arguments that she was not sure how Hannah had made Andrew eat so much salt . " We don 't know precisely how she got it down Andrew , but we know that he was very , very obedient , " Eastwood told the jury , standing before the TV news cameras that Judge Longoria had allowed inside the courtroom . " And we do have some evidence of bruising to his nose [ which could indicate ] his nostrils were squeezed and he was made to drink it . " Over the course of the three - week - long trial , Eastwood sought to convince jurors that a mother with no history of violence or mental illness had force - fed her child to death - a scenario that each prosecution witness helped , incrementally , to suggest was possible . Patricia Gonzalez , a nurse at the urgent care clinic , told the jury that Hannah had not behaved like a panic - stricken parent and had " had a smile on her face " as she performed CPR on the boy . Another nurse , Dina Zapata , remembered Hannah smirking as she tried to resuscitate him . Both women 's accounts were problematic ; Gonzalez had never made a statement to police and was testifying from memory after nearly a year 's worth of negative media coverage , while Zapata had failed to mention anything about Hannah smirking when she wrote her initial report about the incident . Yet the image they conjured - of a woman grinning at the sight of a comatose four - year - old - was devastating . Gemma Mitchell , a phlebotomist , recalled overhearing Hannah tell medical staff that Andrew had stopped breathing after he was " punished . " No one could corroborate her story , and under cross - examination , she admitted that she had never told anyone this fact until taking the stand . Still , the overall impression was a damning one . Other witnesses testified that they had detected signs of abuse . One paramedic recounted how he had seen two sores on Andrew " that looked to me like cigarette burns because they were round . " Another paramedic also believed the sores were cigarette burns , though he admitted he had only looked at them " from a distance . " Fernandez , the medical examiner , said he had observed " burnlike scarring " on Andrew 's arm that had likely been caused by " contact with a hot surface . " But neither Larry nor Hannah smoked . Not until shortly before closing arguments did jurors hear from the defense 's expert witness , a Harvard - educated pathologist and assistant medical examiner in San Francisco , Judy Melinek , who offered her opinion that the sores were consistent with mosquito bites that had been scratched and picked at . The prosecution 's most persuasive testimony came from Rotta , the pediatric critical care specialist who had originally expressed concern that Andrew had been mistreated . " A comment someone made was that it appeared that this child had been in a fight with a porcupine , " the physician stated . " There were so many bruises and scratches that it would be difficult to describe them all . " Rotta allowed that the appearance of Andrew 's body may have been due in part to the fact that he was coagulopathic , or not able to clot blood properly , a condition that occurs after a person has gone into cardiac arrest and can cause excessive bleeding and bruising . But he was adamant that the boy 's death had not been accidental . Andrew had never been diagnosed with pica , Rotta reminded jurors . " We have a child that was well until that afternoon , that had behavioral issues , that was having temper tantrums , that was then given something . . . probably to punish his behavior , that then goes into cardiorespiratory arrest . " Rotta stopped short of describing the manner in which he believed Andrew had been made to eat a lethal amount of salt - a dose that , after analyzing Andrew 's blood , he determined would have consisted of 23 teaspoons of Zatarain 's Creole Seasoning or 6 teaspoons of salt . The physician only said that the scratch marks he had noticed on the boy 's neck had been caused , he believed , by another person . The marks " could be consistent with many things , including a fight , an altercation , someone trying to hold this child 's neck forcefully , " he said . Andrew 's former foster mother , Sharon Hamil , who was devastated by the boy 's death , testified that Andrew had not exhibited significant developmental or behavioral problems , aside from his speech delay , during the time that he lived with her - a characterization that was rebutted by numerous members of Calvary Chapel later in the trial but that cast Hannah 's credibility into doubt . " He was always happy , " Hamil testified . She believed that Andrew 's eating habits were not the stuff of pathology but those of a growing boy . " Andrew liked to eat every day , all day , any time , " she said . By the time Hannah took the stand , jurors appeared to have made up their minds . Several crossed their arms ; others looked away . By that point , they had already been shown numerous photos of Andrew 's small , bruised body postmortem . They had also watched the video of Hess questioning Hannah , during which she described calling a paramedic friend in Oklahoma for guidance when the boy 's condition deteriorated , and even using her camera 's flash to check if his pupils were reactive , but never calling for an ambulance . Sitting in the courtroom , she tried to explain how she had failed to recognize that Andrew 's condition was life - threatening . " I realized that it was something serious . . . a few minutes before we actually took him in , " she testified . Until then , she said , Andrew " was doing nothing that my other kids hadn 't done with the flu . . . . There wasn 't anything that I thought was dangerously wrong with him at that point . I didn 't realize the seriousness of the situation . " Eastwood questioned how Andrew had come to have scratches on his neck . " Could it be that you held his nose , held his neck , and made him drink this horrible concoction ? " the prosecutor challenged her during a withering cross - examination . " Absolutely not , " Hannah shot back . Despite Eastwood 's zeal , there were still basic questions that the prosecution could not explain . How had Hannah , who was six months pregnant and recovering from whiplash , managed to overpower Andrew ? How had she known how much salt would kill him ? And how had she forced him to choke down the lethal slurry through a sippy cup - a drinking container that is , by design , able to release its contents only when sucked on ? Yet according to the unusual wording of the jury charge , jurors had to believe just one of two scenarios to find Hannah guilty : that she deliberately made Andrew ingest a lethal amount of salt or that she purposely neglected to get timely medical attention , knowing that this would kill him . In other words , if the jury could not agree conclusively that she had poisoned Andrew , it could still rule that she was guilty of capital murder " by omission , " or by failure to act . Gilmore and his defense team , which included two civil attorneys versed in the intricacies of medical testimony , tried to counter the prosecution 's claims that Hannah had poisoned Andrew and purposely delayed medical treatment . ( In his 32 years of practicing law , Gilmore told me , he has never run across the charge of " capital murder by omission " before or since . ) Melinek , the defense 's expert witness , testified about pica and an array of factors that could have contributed to Andrew 's death , including undiagnosed diabetes . And a succession of witnesses , nearly all of them members of Calvary Chapel , recounted Andrew 's unusual eating habits and Hannah 's attentive parenting . During closing arguments , Gilmore emphasized that Hannah had no motive to kill Andrew and that the state had failed to prove that she had intentionally caused the boy 's death . But just as the prosecution could not show exactly how Hannah had forced Andrew to ingest a lethal dose of salt , neither could the defense give precise details for how the four - year - old had come to have so much sodium in his body . Prosecutors exploited that uncertainty in final arguments , asserting that Andrew did not have pica . Throughout the trial , Eastwood had suggested that the Overtons had withheld food as part of a larger pattern of abuse , and as she addressed the jury , she insisted that Andrew had scavenged for food because he was hungry . " The defendant has portrayed herself as a nurturing Christian woman , " Eastwood proclaimed . " Does God want a child to go to bed hurting , in pain , fearful , being looked at by closed - circuit television ? Any God , Christian or not , would have wanted a better mother for Andrew . " The burden on the state to prove its case beyond a reasonable doubt was , Gilmore told me , perhaps less than it should have been . " There was a dead child , " he observed . " The jury was not just going to let her walk . " Capital murder carries two possible punishments in Texas - the death penalty or life without parole - and the district attorney 's office had already decided not to seek death . If convicted , Hannah would receive an automatic life sentence . However , Judge Longoria could allow the jury to consider a lesser charge if he felt that the evidence did not support capital murder , and after hearing the state 's case , he did so , telling both the prosecution and the defense that he was willing to let the jury consider manslaughter or criminally negligent homicide . ( Both carry shorter sentences and differ from capital murder on the issue of intent ; a motorist who hits and kills someone while driving too fast is often deemed to be criminally negligent in that he did not set out to take a life but was aware of the danger of speeding . ) Gilmore urged Hannah more than once to agree to have the jury consider a lesser charge , but she was uneasy with what she perceived as an underlying suggestion of wrongdoing . She could not consent to a lesser charge , she told her attorneys , because she felt it would mean she was admitting fault . It was a catastrophic decision . After nearly eleven hours of deliberation - during which jurors sent out thirteen notes to the judge , primarily seeking to clarify medical testimony - the jury found her guilty of capital murder . As the verdict was read , Hannah looked horror - struck . Larry , who was sitting behind her , broke down . Before she was led away in handcuffs , the couple embraced for several minutes , overcome with emotion . But had jurors fully understood the decision they had been asked to make ? When Gilmore polled the jury afterward , all twelve members stated that they had found Hannah guilty of capital murder by omission for not acting quickly enough to save Andrew ; none believed that she had poisoned him . Yet to find her guilty , they 'd had to believe that she knew he would die if she did not get him immediate medical attention . According to juror number three , a high school English teacher named Margaret Warfield , that was not the case . " The jury found that Mrs . Overton failed to procure medical care within a reasonable time frame , " she wrote in an affidavit that was later filed with Hannah 's appeal . " It seemed to me , based upon the wording of the charge , that we had no choice but to find her guilty of capital murder . " But , Warfield added , " I do not believe that Mrs . Overton knew that her actions ( or lack thereof ) would kill Andrew Byrd [ sic ] . Although I believe that Mrs . Overton was remiss in seeking timely medical care for Andrew Byrd , I do not believe that she intended or knew that this would result in his death . " The wording of the jury charge , she added , had been " ambiguous and confusing . " Ultimately , Warfield wrote , " I do not feel that justice has been served . " Two days after Hannah was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole , a pediatrician named Edgar Cortes took the unusual step of contacting Gilmore . The doctor had been the on - call emergency medicine physician at Driscoll the day that Andrew arrived , and he had resuscitated the boy as he was transported to the intensive care unit . Although Cortes had been scheduled to testify for the prosecution , he was never put on the witness stand . ( During the third week of the trial , moments before the case was sent to the jury , Eastwood had asked Judge Longoria if she could call Cortes as a rebuttal witness , but the judge , who had grown impatient with the length of the trial , denied her request . ) As a frequent witness for the state in child abuse cases , Cortes was not in the habit of reaching out to defense attorneys , but he was so angered by the verdict that he picked up the phone . " I have mitigating testimony that I think would have been very useful to your client , " he said in a voice mail he left for Gilmore . " Please call me at your earliest convenience . " Unlike the three physicians who had testified for the prosecution , Cortes was the only doctor who had seen Andrew before his hospitalization ; he had evaluated the boy during a routine checkup when Andrew was three years old and still living with Hamil . " Andrew was not a normal child , " Cortes explained to me . " A colleague of mine who attended the trial told me that the prosecution described Andrew again and again as a normal child , and that is a great distortion of the truth . Andrew was a sweet boy who had significant neurological and developmental disorders . He had a speech disorder called echolalia , which is one of the things we see typically in children who have autism spectrum disorders . He displayed hyperactive behavior and possibly had some cognitive delays as well . " The doctor 's assessment of Andrew as developmentally delayed was significant because it dovetailed with Hannah 's testimony . She had told the jury of the boy 's unusual habits - the inappropriate eating , the obsessive picking and scratching , the head banging - but her version of events had been tainted by the specter of abuse . Cortes believed that Andrew 's death was accidental . " The intentional poisoning of a child is usually perpetrated with sedatives , anticonvulsants , or medications like injectable insulin , not food , " he told me . " The sodium content of Zatarain 's is not listed on its packaging . How do you poison someone with a substance you don 't know the contents of ? " That Hannah had not sought immediate medical attention did not change his view . " Benign conditions and life - threatening conditions look the same in the beginning , " he said . " You can ask , ' Why didn 't she go to the hospital sooner ? ' but in hindsight , everything is obvious . If she had taken Andrew to the hospital earlier , what would she have taken him in for ? Because he was vomiting ? Because he felt cold ? " He suspected that as the boy 's condition worsened , Hannah had fallen victim to what he calls " stress blindness , " a phenomenon he had witnessed many times during his 42 years of practicing medicine . " I 've seen doctors and nurses freeze up when a patient comes in convulsing or in extremis , " he said . " When people are under severe stress , their judgment becomes poor . " Cortes 's perspective was revelatory . " He would have been witness number one for the defense , " Gilmore told me . " The key issues in this case were knowledge and intent , and his opinion went directly to those issues . " Hannah 's attorneys would later argue on appeal that the doctor 's opinion - that Hannah had never intended for the boy to die - amounted to exculpatory evidence that the state had withheld from the defense . But at a hearing on the defense 's motion for a new trial , Eastwood stated under oath that Cortes had always been a passionate advocate for the prosecution ; he had even remarked to her that he thought Hannah should " fry . " Cortes does not dispute that story . " When I first learned Andrew had died , I was angry , " he explained to me . " But I told prosecutors five months before the trial that I believed Hannah had no intent to kill him and that this was not a capital murder case . I was assured that they would be seeking lesser charges . " During the trial , he said , " I sat at the courthouse for five days , waiting to testify . I came in the morning , and I left in the evening . To never have been produced - it was very strange . " Hannah 's conviction was upheld in 2009 by the Thirteenth Court of Appeals . " It is unclear , " read the court 's ruling , " whether the state actually knew of Dr . Cortes 's opinion . " The court also ruled that the wording of the jury charge was " free from error . " The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals declined the opportunity to reconsider the decision . Then , in the spring of 2010 , Hannah 's appellate attorney , Cynthia Orr , made a startling discovery . Orr - a formidable legal mind whose work recently helped exonerate Michael Morton , a Williamson County man who was wrongly convicted of his wife 's 1986 murder - had begun preparing a writ of habeas corpus , a last - ditch effort to persuade the courts to review Hannah 's case . The writ is the final opportunity a defendant has to introduce new evidence into the record . Looking for any information that might bolster the appeal , Orr requested access to the prosecution 's case file . Sifting through it one afternoon , Orr came across documents she had never seen before , which showed that Andrew 's stomach contents did not have an elevated amount of salt when he arrived at the urgent care clinic . Orr forwarded the paperwork to a leading expert on salt poisoning , Michael Moritz , and asked him to explain its significance . Moritz is the clinical director of pediatric nephrology at the Children 's Hospital of Pittsburgh , where he specializes in children 's kidney diseases . In 2007 he published a seminal paper on salt poisoning , in which he examined , among other things , documented cases of children who had accidentally ingested excessive quantities of salt . He found that they fit a narrow profile : they were between the ages of one and six , they had been in the foster system or were from abusive homes , and they had pica . Moritz , in fact , had been asked to testify as an expert witness for Hannah 's defense at her trial . After examining Andrew 's medical records , he had determined that the boy 's death was likely accidental . Yet the jury had never heard from him . Short on time as the trial drew to a close , the defense had asked Moritz - who needed to return to Pittsburgh - to sit for a videotaped deposition ; when the deposition ran long and could not be completed , the defense was unable to enter it as testimony . The paperwork Orr now forwarded to him , which showed that Andrew 's stomach contained a great deal of water , only confirmed the clinical director 's initial conclusion . " If someone was trying to murder Andrew , they would have restrained him and prevented him from drinking water , " Moritz subsequently wrote in an affidavit . " The very dilute gastric sodium contents suggest . . . that he had unrestricted access to water . " Given these facts , he explained , " There is not a single piece of evidence which suggests that Hannah Overton salt - poisoned Andrew . " Instead , Moritz added , the most likely scenario was that Andrew " accidentally salt - poisoned himself . " In light of this information , Moritz felt certain that Andrew 's prognosis would have been the same whether or not Hannah had called an ambulance . " It is unlikely that any intervention would have made a significant difference as Andrew had already taken the most critical step to save himself [ by consuming ] copious amounts of fluid , " he wrote . The newly discovered documents , Moritz later told me , were " a monumentally important piece of evidence . " The discovery soon exposed strains among the prosecution team . Former prosecutor Anna Jimenez , who had assisted Eastwood as second chair at Hannah 's trial , subsequently wrote a letter to Orr claiming that a sheaf of medical records that Eastwood had asked her to fax to an expert witness before trial had not included the documents that Orr had uncovered . " I fear she may have purposely withheld evidence that may have been favorable to Hannah Overton 's defense , " Jimenez wrote in her letter , which Orr would include in the writ . She also described her unease with Eastwood 's " trial strategy , " claiming the prosecutor had told her that they would not be calling Cortes because a record in his file indicated that Andrew had behavioral problems . Finally , Jimenez stated , " I do not believe that there was sufficient evidence to indicate that Hannah Overton intentionally killed Andrew Burd . " In response , Eastwood penned an affidavit , asserting that she did not engage in any misconduct . " [ I ] fully disclosed the DA 's office 's case file to the defense , " she wrote in the lengthy statement . " If I failed in my duties of disclosure before the Hannah Overton trial ( which the record corroborates I did not ) , then so did Ms . Jimenez . " Orr filed the writ in April 2011 , and soon afterward San Antonio Express - News reporter John MacCormack - whose reporting has raised questions about the fairness of Hannah 's conviction - made a routine call to the office to gauge the reaction to the recent developments in the case . He reached Doug Norman , who was part of the prosecution team at Hannah 's trial and who is now responsible for fighting her appeal . ( Like Eastwood , neither Norman nor Jimenez would comment for this article . ) Norman 's remarks were hardly the stuff of a cocksure prosecutor . " I may harbor doubts , but a jury heard this case and made a decision , and everyone has to respect that decision , " he told the Express - News . " I 'll put it this way . My job requires me to be an advocate for the state . As long as I can make a nonfrivolous argument , I 'll make it , but nothing in my job prevents me from praying for a more just outcome . " Every Saturday for the past several years , Larry has ridden his motorcycle from Corpus Christi to the Murray Unit , the maximum - security women 's prison west of Waco where Hannah is incarcerated : a squat , concrete building walled off from the world with cyclone fencing and coils of razor wire . He and Hannah are allotted two hours , during which they sit together in the dayroom , flanked by other inmates and their families . Once a month , Larry loads the kids into his van and they make the trip together , although on those visits , no contact is allowed . Hannah must sit on the opposite side of a metal divider , behind Plexiglas . There are two phones that the kids can speak into , and they eagerly pass the receivers back and forth , recounting the month 's events in stereo . " They get to see her for two hours , once a month - twenty - four hours in a year , " Larry said . He and the kids return home the same day so that he can teach Sunday school the next morning . Round - trip , the journey is 632 miles . That Larry is able to be with the children at all , much less raise them , is " a huge blessing , " he told me . Not long after his arrest , a grand jury upgraded the charges against him to capital murder , and he feared that he too might face life in prison . But after Hannah 's conviction , the DA 's office offered him several plea deals , each of which required him to acknowledge that he had intentionally caused Andrew 's death . Larry turned them down . Finally he agreed to plead no contest to criminally negligent homicide . " The way it was explained to me , that 's how I would be charged if I accidentally ran a stoplight and hit somebody , " he said . " Pleading out to that was much better than having my children grow up without a mother or a father . " In exchange for his plea , Larry was given five years ' probation and a $ 5 , 000 fine . ( Hannah 's mother and stepfather - whom the courts had named " managing conservators " of the children - were then able to return them to Larry 's custody . ) While he was relieved not to have to serve prison time , the discrepancy between his wife 's punishment and his own left him stupefied . " How can one person get probation and another get life without parole for the same thing ? " Larry said . I visited Hannah at the Murray Unit one bright , cloudless afternoon , when the warden granted her a few hours to speak with me . She was even slighter in person than I had expected , and as she related the events of the past five years in her soft voice , she looked hopelessly out of place in her white prison jumpsuit . Yet her life behind bars , however incongruous , has taken on its own rhythm . She is awakened every morning at 2 : 45 a . m . , rarely sleeping well ; the overhead light above her bed never shuts off , and announcements blare throughout the night over the loudspeaker . At 4 a . m . , she reports to the laundry , where she folds shirts and hands out clean clothes to inmates . After her shift ends in the late morning , there are letters to write home , in which she tries to stay present in her children 's lives by choreographing what she can from a distance . " I plan their birthday parties from here , " she told me . " I pick out the games and I make the decorations , if I can . " She devotes most of her evenings to Bible studies , leading groups of inmates through careful examinations of Scripture . One of her favorite books to revisit is Ruth . " It 's about trusting God and seeing how he is a god of redemption and restoration , " she said . As we sat across from each other in the dayroom , Hannah and I discussed her case and the anguish that had consumed her following Andrew 's death . " I spent many nights beating myself up over ' Could I have done this or could I have done that ? ' " Hannah told me , staring at her hands . " I regret that I didn 't push harder from the beginning to find out what was wrong with him - that I believed his problems were just due to his previous abuse and neglect , and that , when I finally decided he needed to see a doctor about his pica , we didn 't get him in quicker . " When I pressed her to explain why she and Larry had not called 911 , she leaned forward , as if pleading with me to understand . " Because we were not thinking we were in a life - or - death situation , " she insisted . " For us to go to [ the clinic ] was a lot faster than it would have been had we called , at that point . " As we talked about Andrew , she had to stop several times to compose herself . " I 'm supposed to be done crying , " she said apologetically at one point , brushing away tears . Despite all the pain , she told me that if she could do it over again , she would not change their decision to bring Andrew into their home . " It 's not even a consideration , " she said . " I wouldn 't give up that time we had with him and that he had with us . " I asked Hannah if her faith had been shaken by Andrew 's loss and the suffering that she and her family had experienced . " There was a time when I questioned how God could allow this to happen , " she said . " But what I 've realized is that I can trust his heart , even though I don 't understand his plan . " The reality that Hannah , who is 34 , may spend the rest of her life in prison for capital murder - a sentence usually reserved for violent criminals who pose a continuing threat to society - is one she is still struggling to understand ; even harder to grasp is the possibility that she might never be reunited with her children . " I miss everything , " she later wrote to me . " Good - night kisses , bedtime stories , playing in the yard , birthdays , loose teeth , Christmas plays . . . movie nights , waking up to their beautiful faces . " The Court of Criminal Appeals is currently reviewing her writ , which contends that the information about Andrew 's gastric contents are grounds for a new trial . The court , which could rule imminently or years from now , could send the case back to Judge Longoria for a hearing or - far less likely - overturn her conviction . Because the court has not been inclined to intercede so far , members of Calvary Chapel have begun a letter - writing campaign to the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles in hopes of securing a pardon or a commutation . Meanwhile , those who once pursued Hannah with such certainty have undergone their own trials . Detective Hess was put on administrative leave in 2008 after it came to light that he had disclosed confidential information to the suspect in an ongoing investigation for indecency with a child . Hess was allowed to return to the force and is now a patrol sergeant . And Eastwood was fired from the DA 's office in 2010 . Then - district attorney Jimenez did not publicly disclose the reasons for the termination , but it occurred one week after Eastwood informed her superiors that she had been romantically involved in the past with a sex offender ; she reported that she feared the information had been used by the offender 's defense attorney to get him probation in a criminal case . ( A subsequent investigation by the attorney general 's office found that no crimes had been committed . ) As the Overtons wait on the appellate courts , Larry goes about the task of raising their five children , while also trying to rebuild his business . ( After his arrest , he lost most of his clients . " One woman said she didn 't want to work with a child killer , " Larry told me . ) In his role as single dad , he is aided by his extended family and his many friends from Calvary Chapel , who pitch in to do cleaning , grocery shopping , laundry , and babysitting . A church member who homeschools her daughters educates the Overton children , using lesson plans Hannah sends her . ( Haller , their next - door neighbor , has since moved to Houston . ) The kids now range in age from four to twelve , and when I visited them late one afternoon , not long after I had seen Hannah , they seemed unencumbered by the tragedy that had engulfed their family . They were no different from other children their age : exuberant , funny , guileless . As Larry stood in the kitchen and peeled potatoes , the kids - excited to have a visitor - showed me around their house , pointing out their favorite hiding places and the plaster cast of their footprints in the hallway , which includes the letter A for Andrew . The absence of their mother and their late brother was quietly acknowledged . " This is where Andrew used to sleep , " Isaac told me softly as he led me into the boys ' room . " There have been a few tear - filled nights because one of the kids misses Andrew , " Larry told me later . " I remind them that the Lord loves him more than anyone could and he is with Him now and we will see him again someday . " The kids took me out back , where they jumped on the trampoline and played hide - and - seek in the salt grass . Emma , the youngest , trailed behind them with a doll , occasionally running inside to bang on the piano . It was Emma whom Hannah was pregnant with when Andrew died , and she is the child Hannah knows least . When Emma took her first steps , Larry brought her to the parking lot outside the county jail so that Hannah could watch from her cell above . Larry called out that dinner was ready , and we gathered inside around a rough - hewn oak table he had made years ago . Dinner was potato soup - " It 's good and filling , and it 's cheap , " Larry told me - which the kids dived into after saying grace . They chattered about an upcoming birthday party and discussed the merits of their favorite colors , finishing each other 's sentences between slurps of soup . Had Andrew sat among them , I realized , he would have been nine years old . After dinner the kids settled down in front of the TV to watch a movie that was Isabel 's pick : a Japanese animated film that her brothers and sisters showed less enthusiasm for , fidgeting as they lay next to each other on the carpet . Before they headed to bed , Larry turned up the lights for their nightly devotions . Isaac read John 9 aloud while Larry helped him sound out the difficult words ( " synagogue , " " Pharisees " ) . A short discussion followed about the passage , in which Jesus heals a blind man , and then Larry closed his Bible and said , " Okay , guys , let 's pray . " One by one , the kids spoke their prayers , each of which ended with the same wish . " Dear God , thank you for the soup , " Isaac said , his head bowed , his eyes closed tightly . " And thanks for the movie , even though it was kind of weird . I pray that you will bring Mom home soon . "

Our eldest hen Specks is gone . The fox got her in one of the many rounds she 's made on our property this spring on the quest to feed her new litter of kits . How can I begrudge her ? Again and again she takes birds from our fast - dwindling flock . We take the hits in stride ; we cannot truly shed tears , but our hearts become so very heavy at times with the losses . Specks was the last descendant of our original flock , and her sudden departure two weeks ago still causes me grief . A large bird , she was white with odd little flecks of black and brown , heavy - lidded eyes and a gentle demeanor which allowed for one to easily scoop her up for a quick passing smooch . She was sister to our beloved Thumbs Up ( who died on Christmas day of 2016 ) and her death marks the end of an era for us here at the Hillhouse . But our losses have not stopped there . The tenacious mother fox has come to visit - and in broad daylight - repeatedly , sometimes several times in one afternoon . Day before yesterday , when we were just at our neighbors and Elihu was happily flying his favorite new helicopter , we lost our young rooster Alden ( son of Bald Mountain and hopeful new king and father of future generations ) as well as a few other girls . Not all of our hens have names , and that does make it easier when one of them turns up missing , however now we are down to a bare - bones flock of just eight hens , half of whom have endeared themselves to us with charming traits and distinctive personalities . I hold my breath every time we do a count ; is chatty Christie still with us ? Laid - back Gildie and curious Scottie ? These three are the ones I watch now , staying my heart for what seems the inevitable loss to come . Bald Mountain is still here . Though no longer the robust , take - no - prisoners eleven pound bird he once was , he manages to hold his head erect ( although his arthritic tail often flags ) and continues to crow in the face of being beat up by the drake and chased by the fox . He is a survivor . Truth be told , he is our family dog and when he finally goes there will be a huge shift here . All of my students and all of our friends know Baldie . He is still the reigning king . But even a king must meet his maker , and we hold out hope that when his time comes , he goes peacefully in his sleep . It would be a hugely bitter pill for us to swallow if he should lose his life to the fox . But we know it 's a possibility , and so every day we proceed with guarded hearts , hoping for the best but on the ready for anything . So much has happened since my last post that the prospect of catching friends and readers up has felt like an impossible task . Our lives have been jam - packed with deep conversations , medical emergencies , end of year concerts and exams , gigs , gear malfunctions , car drama , epiphanies , mounting electric bills and overflowing septic tanks . But along the way we 've experienced the incredible and sometimes completely surprising generosity of friends and neighbors that have offered critical relief and support just when we needed it most . And we 've enjoyed tiny little revelations and gifts that have kept our spirits up while other events threatened to drag us into despair . ( Perhaps I should really be saying " I " here instead of " we " to be more truthful ; Elihu is far more even - keeled in the face of sudden challenges than I am . ) There are moments when I know that our life is magical and that we are lucky , and there are moments when I just wish that it were fucking over already , cuz I 'm tired . And sometimes I just don 't know how much more of this crap I can take . But then I remind myself that I still have work to do here on this earth . I remind myself that Elihu 's tiny years are over , and that the years he 'll remain here at home will be short and I will want to savor them as best I can . And certainly , it will be easier from here on in . As a friend and father of six children had noted to me when I told him that my son was now 14 : " the heavy lifting is over " . Yes , it is . And I have a capable child - and more important , he is a child who is willing and eager to assist me in any way he can . Finally he understands how much work it is to keep a house , a menagerie of animals and a plot of land . How much work it is to make sure that food is made , that laundry is done , that the house is kept clean . That the tuba lessons cost a dear chunk of my income . That his mother doesn 't have quite the energy that she did when we started this whole adventure in the country nine years ago . Yeah , my kid gets all of this , and he 's helping out more and more , which is something that I doubly treasure when I hear tales of the disengaged , screen - addicted children with whom parents can hardly make a connection . There 's no doubt that I 'm fortunate . Today I took Elihu to a gig with me . A few times a month I host a karaoke singalong at a nursing home , and I 'd promised to bring him along to sing and perform a couple of songs on his recorders . When he 'd finished his short set , he sat down at the resident train table and began to tinker with the unworking engines and track while I entertained the crowd . Before I had finished , he had the N scale train running again around the table , through the tiny mountain and switching successfully in the tiny model downtown . Trains were Elihu 's very first love , and his time with this train set put him in a very happy mood . We said our goodbyes and then , as we 'd planned , we made our way to a small airfield just a few miles up the road so he could look at the planes there . It was a tidy , well - kept place , the main road in lined with blooming dwarf lilac bushes and neatly cut grass all around . We could see a handful of small high wing planes ( most of which Elihu readily named for me ) and after we 'd walked the perimeter , we found a man fueling his own small craft . We began to chat , and he lead us around the sheds where we took a closer look at the handful of planes . This fellow and Elihu became engaged in the usual shop talk , and it was soon apparent to this man that the kid really knew aviation . So while I chatted with Joe , another very personable fellow there who had been doing some work on his vintage Cessna ( the only other person at the airport ) he and I watched as pilot Doug and Elihu taxied away on the grassy runway for an impromptu flight . Within minutes of arriving at an unfamiliar airfield here I was sending my one and only child into the air with a man whom I 'd only just met moments before . And whose last name I didn 't know . But this is how Elizabeth and Elihu live . Magically guided are we . Doug was a sweetie and let Elihu fly the plane . Doug told him to pay attention to the horizon and not the gauges . To look at his relationship to the land … Then Doug turned his attention to his phone , letting Elihu savor that rare moment , that longed - for experience . They were up for fifteen minutes or so , and as they made a pass to the west , silhouetted against the expanse of cumulous clouds behind , all I could think was " There he is . My boy . My boy , up there in the sky ! " On the way home we stopped to visit a friend from Chicago who 's in town to assess the health and living situation of her older parents . Not a happy , easy occasion . My son was hopped up on his recent flying ' high ' and wished for us to get home , but the detour was necessary . After a little pow - pow with my friend and her parents ' neighbor , Elihu and I had my out - of - town friend follow us to the retirement home that was on our route home . Linda leaned into the car window and kissed me goodbye . When we pulled away Elihu said " Yeah , I can feel how she 's thinking about other things . " He had been anxious to get home , but he understood the seriousness of the situation and was patient with the extra time the errand had added to our day . The waning sun cast a yellowish glow on the treetops and created a olive green tone to the shadows . The countryside on our short drive home looked like a painting , like a dramatic exaggeration of its own beauty . Lovely as it was though , this short drive was feeling much too long for both of us . But finally the golden trees alongside the road were ours . After such a long day away , we were deeply relieved to finally be returning home . Like the old days , when Bald Mountain 's own son Alden would beat him up and leave him bloody , stumbling , hurting and missing a good portion of his feathers , the old rooster had suffered a violent night in the coop , and we 'd taken him back into the kitchen for some TLC and recuperation time ( it was the drake who had attacked him this time ) . He greeted us with a loud crow , made even louder in the natural amplifier of our tiny kitchen . Yup , this was home . A rooster in the corner , poison dart frogs and tree frogs in the kid 's room , a half dozen week old chicks in the basement , and some overgrown goldfish who desperately need to be moved to the outside pond before they grow too big to turn around inside their tank . I like to think I have a tidy , organized house . And if you visit our living room or bedrooms , it does look pretty peaceful and orderly . But add some critters , and things change . The animals , they 're just messy . And stinky . There 's no denying the stink . Most of them don 't always live here , though . Only when they can 't live outside . And for the moment , that 's the situation . The tiny chicks that our mama duck hatched out ( to our complete surprise ) still live in the damp , ever - flooding basement . It won 't always be thus , but for now , it 's the reality . I tell ya , one day you 're living like a proper lady from town , enjoying the finer things in life and making plans to go to the ballet , and the next your in your nightgown , offing a raccoon in the pouring rain with a sledgehammer . Yeah , things tend to swing from one extreme to the next around here . We just never know . Gut wrenching emergencies and stunning , irreversible changes threaten our hopes for a happy future , and then certain other little events which we have long dreamed of and hoped for suddenly drop into our lives , and we find some problems solved and new opportunities opening up … . Lean years , rich years , sick years , healthy years , dismal years , hopeful years … so much of it all mixes together in even shorter , smaller nuggets that it 's hard to organize it all . Does life suck and is it unfair ? Yes ! Does life thrill you and even let you win every now and then in the most exciting way ? Yes ! I am convinced most folks in this privileged , Western world can experience an incredibly full , expansive life . I might even go so far as to say that it might just be possible for a person to have it all . However , I don 't believe it is ever possible to have it all at the same time . ! So - savor what you have , deal with what needs dealing with . Avoid the stuff that the God voice warns against , and do the stuff that the God voice recommends . Enjoy the free and unstructured moments in between all the rest . Cuz life sucks . Cuz life rocks . Cuz life does all the other stuff too . And aren 't we glad of it ? Imagine how boring life would be without these little surprises and challenges . Life is what it is . It 's a little of everything . Highs , lows . It 's a little bit airplane , it 's a little bit sky … A perfect mix . Shortly after Elihu and I moved to upstate New York from the suburbs of Chicago almost nine years ago , I became profoundly afraid of the unknowns that awaited me . My previous life had been laid out pretty well , and my future had never been a terribly big concern . I would be a wife , a mother , a teacher , a part - time musician … the rest would take care of itself . But upon arriving here - with no job , no students , no husband , no friends , no music , no connections , no money , no health insurance , no savings - and the rest of my life stretching out vast and empty before me , I was overcome with fear . Core - shaking , nausea - inducing fear . Marlboro reds and red wine were not enough . And so one day I did the only thing left to do . I called a psychic . Yeah , I know . But still … I remember not feeling like I 'd exactly gotten my money 's worth at the conclusion of our meeting . I am not a fan of readings in which they tell you what you already know ; instead I want proactive advice ; situations to be on the lookout for , and actions to avoid . Practical stuff I can use . I 'd like some guidance on my way back to the path . But the reading left me with just the usual sorts of things ; a couple of insights , some advice - and what that advice was I certainly can 't recall now - but I do remember that this fellow had become repeatedly aware of the number ' 53 ' during our session . At the time it meant nothing to me , but he told me to keep an eye out for it , and that he sensed quite strongly that it had - or would have one day - some real significance in my life . I filed it away in my head , and before long it was forgotten as the survivalist years began in earnest . Since that first summer here , so many incredibly valuable , challenging and life - changing events have transpired that I would never in a million years have expected to know firsthand . However for great stretches at a time I had my plate so full that I didn 't have the time - or the perspective - to consider what it was I might have been learning from my new situation ; instead my main concerns were simply getting through a day with enough food , heat and a happy child . Occasionally I would catch glimpses of a promising future that might one day emerge if I just kept moving … But those moments of insight and clarity were few and far between as days , weeks and months passed in a depressing , stressful and exhausting blur . Sometimes though , my mind would often go back to that particular number . Fifty - three did not speak to me of anything significant ; a humdrum number with no promise or hidden meaning . What on earth could 53 possibly mean ? I wondered over and over . How might this number change my life ? If this 53 pertained to my age , then it would likely prove to be a letdown - middle age would be firmly upon me by then , I 'd think to myself , looking elsewhere for its significance . At the end of my periodic ruminations I would always come up with nothing . Fifty - three was a wash . Just another number or just another year . Whatever . Not too long ago , as Elihu and I sat at the breakfast table , the number 53 floated into my thoughts , and so I posed an innocent question to my son : Had this year in particular been much different for me from all those that had come before ? Without hesitating Elihu said " Oh yes . Definitely . " My eyebrows went up . " How so ? " Sometimes the answers I seek from my son try his patience , as either they are so obvious or they are simply set up to reassure my failing ego , something for which Elihu has little sympathy . My gut was tightening at the prospect of him scolding me and letting the " obvious " answer go unspoken . Thankfully he answered with a straightforward list of reasons . And as I heard the reasons spoken aloud , I began to wonder if we weren 't perhaps in the very midst of the mysterious 53 right here and now … My son and I are forty years apart in age , and while this , his thirteenth year , was an easily identifiable landmark in his life , my own age of 53 hadn 't really appeared to be a milestone . At least not at face value . But digging deeper , I realized that this had been a hugely significant year for me … After he 'd finished , I asked him please to indulge me , and to repeat what he 'd just said . I was grateful that he did . " This is the first complete year The Studio has been working as a business " he started . " It 's a real thing now . You played your first solo job since I was born . You 've had singing gigs with a jazz guitarist . You have friends . You 're even working out again . " ( And , little did he know , I 'd lost seven pounds and was facing the thrilling prospect of wearing my favorite clothes again . ) I stopped for a moment to consider what he 'd said . Damn . The kid was right . I did a quick review in my head of all the months of the past year , all the tiny landmarks , all the firsts , all of the milestones reached . I created bylaws , held board meetings , drafted contracts , learned dozens of new songs , met lots of people , gotten new gigs and developed new skills - and a bit more confidence , too . It was easy to forget the progress when my nose was always to the ground , my mind only on the present day 's to - do list … But when I lifted my gaze it was possible to see that I really had covered new ground . Wow . I was actually in a better place than I used to be . Crazy . Whoda thunk ? Certainly not me ! I 'm still fairly surprised to notice that things feel pretty good at this moment in time . I feel that finally , finally , I 'm getting some traction here as I move into this next era of my life . Finally I can see the future taking shape and my once far - off goals coming into sharper focus . So as I wrap up another year of residency on this planet ( my birthday is May 7th ) I can truly say that 53 has been good to me . Mystery solved . And just sayin - I 'll be ready for more at 54 … This past week we 've experienced a good dose of dramatic and angry - sounding winds here in our corner of upstate New York ; several mornings we 've awoken to see fresh tree limbs scattered across the property . Daily the coop door bangs shut even after we 've made an attempt to prop it open , and at night the wind through the forest that surrounds our house can sound like a swarm of enormous jet engines passing us on all sides . It 's been cold too , as in single - digit cold , which can make it feel like an all - out assault mounted against us by the elements . The snow is almost all gone now , due to a few unseasonably warm days , but the game is still on ; winter is by no means done with us . Truly , we are exhausted by it , but at least we know that it won 't last much longer . Elihu 's birthday is on April 28th , and by then the snow will be gone for good . Each year at about this time , when our patience is at its very end , we remind ourselves of this definitive marker , which promises us unconditionally that there are just a few weeks left . ! Day before yesterday the air was a bit warmer , the wind had calmed down , and as I was outside fixing the fencing and making minor repairs to the coop I heard a new sound … At first it registered as familiar , but it took me a minute to really get it . The red - wing blackbirds were back ! Every year our amazement at the turning of the seasons is refreshed ; it 's nearly impossible to imagine how different things will feel in only a month 's time , and even harder to grasp that such a change will truly happen at all ! Today it sure doesn 't seem as if anything will ever change , but before too long , a few early robins and a line of turtles sunning themselves on nearby pond banks will seal the deal for us . At the moment , however , I pray that all those dear creatures who presently remain suspended in winter 's torpor will stay there for just a little bit longer , as it is still bitter cold outside . ( Also , our snow - less terrain will be changing again soon , as there is a winter storm warning for the next two days promising 12 - 18 inches of snowfall . Oh well . ) The recent weather in our interior lives has been a bit windy and dramatic too . A recent heated exchange with Elihu 's father over his attending the Waldorf School including some angry emails from him prompted me to pen a terse response . I knew , even as I posted my note to him on Facebook ( polite , to - the - point and with a small degree of good humor ) , that it wasn 't likely to serve me in any productive way . Yeah , I knew it . But being told " Fuck you " by my son 's father as I tried to defend the importance of Elihu 's school , man , that was too much . Seriously not cool . In hindsight I can understand that he was stressed , and in no frame of mind to respond kindly . Lots on that guy 's plate : travelling internationally ( and with a Muslim name no less in this crazy Trumped - up world ) , having his time with his son challenged ( on account of reducing unexcused absences in high school ) , having to keep up with his financial commitments . Yeah , I get it . In future I think my own policy should be to wait at least 24 hours so I can cool down a bit before firing off a response to his angry communications . But regardless of the situation , regardless of how carefully I might intend to preserve what remains of our relationship , I will never get my props from that guy - and I think I understand that fully now . No well - written letter , no physical evidence , not even a happy and thriving child will get any witness - let alone gratitude - from him . But that 's OK . I have a full plate , and a happy kid . I had my life with Fareed , and in that wonderful life I made friends , I became part of a very unique family , I traveled , I became a better musician , and I learned things - and in the end I got a wonderful child out of it too . So that relationship fulfilled its role in our lives . Yes , it was a good chapter . ( The transitional one that followed , er , uh … maybe not so much ! ) But I 've been learning throughout the entire journey , so nothing has been lost . All is as it should be … OK . Next adventure ? Elihu himself has had a magical week . Yesterday he played an adjudicated tuba performance ( NYSSMA - New York State School Music Association ) and received a score of 97 . As his teacher told him earlier today at his lesson , this is a pretty important accomplishment in that just over a year ago Elihu had only the most rudimentary reading skills . ( Yes , he knew his bass clef , but finding the notes on the tuba made it a whole new ballgame . ) The judge made some lovely comments about Elihu 's interpretation and musicality , and this , although perhaps not entirely surprising , still kind of shocked us both . We 'd prepared for some level of disappointment , so this was a pretty thrilling conclusion . Another magical element to the week was Elihu 's successful and short - lived GoFundMe campaign to raise money to buy a collective pitch / 3D RC heli . It 's been a while ( in the helicopter world 1 year = 5 years of ' normal ' time ) since Elihu 's had a brand - new heli . He 's fixed up the old ones and done his best to keep everything in the air , but at the end of the day , many of his craft weren 't designed to be fixed , but rather simply replaced . And now that he 's got some skills , he really wanted a craft that could support him as he learned a new , more sophisticated technique of flying . But on a $ 5 weekly allowance , the $ 250 heli he wanted ( by his 14th birthday ) would take a loooong time to save for . I made the suggestion that he could start a campaign - but the content was on him . We posted a couple of pics and he wrote the text . It took about a half hour to create , and in a only few hours ' time after posting it he 'd reached his goal . He was running around the house laughing and laughing and gleefully jumping over the furniture ( well , he does that anyway , but still … ) . He promptly ordered the heli , making sure the guy at Horizon Hobby knew of his past disappointments . And wouldn 't ya know , the box arrived FedEx like 2 days later … I missed the first delivery and had to cancel some appointments to make sure I was here to receive it the following day , but oh how worth it it was . ! ! A triumph , a moment , a rite of passage . Let 's just hope he goes slow and takes all the advice he 's given . This will take a whole new level of skill . I 'm confident he 'll do fine , I just hope it doesn 't take him one broken - up craft to get there . When Elihu told me at the age of six that he wanted to play tuba , I knew he meant it . But who coulda known just what that would mean a few years down the line ? And when Elihu began his obsession with birds , and then in time aviation , how could I ever have known the adventures that would ensue as a result ? When he was told he needed to play bass before he could play tuba , who woulda thunk he 'd take care of business as he did ? Me , I was always a path - of - least - resistance kind of person from the start . I did the bare minimum I had to in order to get by . My kid , he 's not like that . He 's one to face stuff head one , assess it , devise a strategy and then dive in . When Elihu does something , he fucking does it . And he does it with such deep interest , such integrity , and such modesty . And the thing is - he does things with true joy . Not the laugh - out - loud sort necessarily ( although sometimes that is how it manifests - like when he 's flying a helicopter or playing his djembe and he just can 't stop grinning ) , but rather it 's something that 's deeper , more lasting . He spends a lot of time in thought , and a fair amount of time reflecting on all the things he 's learned . He 's a fun kid to have around , and many are the times I 've thanked him for choosing me to be his mother . I 'm learning right along side him , and I 'm enjoying myself too . It 's a good thing that things are going well on the kid front , because challenges abound regarding The Studio these days . Forget about updating the website ( one can clearly see that I have indeed forgotten about that ! ) , there are mechanical issues popping up as we pilot our way ( we ? Make that ' me ' ) through our second winter . Pipes are freezing , despite my cranking the super - expensive baseboard electric heat , renters are still enjoying last year 's prices ( oy , I started so low I cringe to think ) , the terrain is either too muddy , too icy or piled too high with snow , and mom is still essentially funding the balance . We had a productive board meeting recently , but until we have a larger board , and until I can start assigning people tasks ( I suppose in the real world we 'd call those ' committees ' ) it 's going to remain just lil old me doing it all . But overall , things are so much better than last year at this time , and I have to constantly remind myself of that . Over the past month I 've experienced some personal exchanges with folks who 've stepped up to tell me they think this Studio thing has been a big mistake , a personal detour of sorts , and that I should just let it go . Some folks have wondered why I don 't just work for someone else and give myself a break from all the stress . I myself had some similar thoughts recently , and it was my mother who quite angrily insisted that quitting wasn 't an option . I suppose an existential crisis is inevitable along the path to creating something new like this . All I need to do is read back over this blog through the past few years to see just how far I 've come . It 's easy to miss in the thick of it . You know , forest for the trees . This weekend has been another in a series of challenges , and thankfully the renter was very kind about it . It 's all been a huge learning experience . From how to run a business to how to maintain a building - to learning how to deal with a variety of different personalities and expectations . Huge . Learning . Experience . ( I 'm not such a fan of that " word / period " technique , but it does kinda Make . The . Point . ) Now it 's late and I 'm losing my recall for the events of the past few weeks . Now I need to summon the focus to wake bright and early tomorrow and start hittin it all again . Make lunch , breakfast , do the chickens , check in with renters at the Studio , get kid to school , hit the Y , do some fast grocery shopping , prepare for a new student , learn the new score for the kid 's musical , put the groceries away ( sometimes that 's easy to overlook ! ) . Then there 's the small matter of tweaking the Studio 's bylaws , CCing everyone on the changes , and a few other Studio - related items which are too mundane to list , but can easily eat up the hour I may ( or may not ) have left after all else is checked off the list . Not sure I 'll get to the website . My taxes and school tuition assistance forms and the monthly emailing will also have to wait another day or two . A girl can only do so much ! Maybe after the kid 's in bed … You too ? Yeah , I kinda thought it wasn 't just me . Every last one of us in this contemporary world is busy , busy , busy . But what an adventure , huh ? Just today Elihu remarked that neither one of us tended to do things by " half measure " . When I looked to him for his reasoning behind it , he swept his hand in an open gesture toward our small living room . " You don 't just have a piano , you also have a harpsichord . I don 't just have a tuba , I also have a bass . And I don 't just have an alto recorder - I have em all ! And we play all of them , and we enjoy playing all of them . And I don 't just love aviation , I live aviation . You don 't just love meeting new people and experiencing new situations , you live for that . And we don 't just keep a couple of chickens - we actually hatch our own flocks right here in our own little incubator . " As I looked around the room with a fresh new perspective , I nodded in agreement . I told him I hadn 't thought of it like that , and I confessed that I often felt our simple life here had sometimes become way too complicated . " We just don 't do things by half - measure " Elihu repeated . We stood there together for a moment in silence , looking out at our cozy room . " But we love it that way , don 't we ? " Yup , I guess we do . No , there 's nothing half - hearted or half - measured about our life here . And I 'm sure my son is probably right . Neither one of us would truly enjoy a static , predictable life - even if it meant all the warmth and sunshine of Florida . And while we treasure our peaceful and quiet time at home , sometimes it 's still a lot of fun to live in the midst of a whirlwind . We 've finally discovered why hens like to park underneath Bald Moutain 's belly : he is covered with a huge number of poultry mites . No amount of topical treatments have rid him of these pests which cause him to itch all over , and without respite . Some hens like to crawl underneath him and pick off the mites as little snacks . I called the local vet and can you believe I have a $ 156 credit there ? ? That means that this coming Thursday Baldie will be getting the full - on salon treatment via some internal medication that will put an end to this 8 year old roo 's troubles . Elihu loves so many animals . This tiny , dime - sized poison dart frog lives with two others of another variety in a vivarium that is self - sustaining . Elihu spent months researching the construction of this sophisticated environment online before putting it together himself . All I can say is God bless the internet , and go YouTube ! Sundays around here mean tuba lessons ! In this pic Elihu 's magnificent teacher , Mike Meidenbauer , goes over some smaller points regarding the interpretive aspects of the tuba concerto Elihu will be playing at NYSSMA , an adjudicated performance which is graded and requires scales , sight reading and performance . We adore Mike for many reasons , and perhaps top on our list ( although he is a highly regarded low brass instructor ) is his joyful and humorous way of interjecting colorful language into a lesson . ( He also has chickens ! ) Mike , Elihu and I are cut from much the same sort of cloth . We find his natural , humanistic way of teaching beyond refreshing . I realize that sometimes our ' doorbell ' confuses folks . The real bell is an actual bell that hangs on the side of the door . It came from my father 's childhood summer home on Paradox Lake in upstate New York , and it was likely used to call my dad and his brother up to the house for dinner . I just love that the same sound is now a familiar part of our life here . So far , however , very few folks have been brave enough to actually use it . Elihu has lamented for a while now that he doesn 't have a YouTube channel , but he has so much information to impart , and he thinks his input could be of value to someone out there . Finally , I sat down and got to work creating a channel . We took his first - ever formal " video " of his heli 's unboxing ( which I 'm told is definitely a " thing " ) and uploaded it . He is now probably the happiest boy that ever walked the face of this earth . P . S . Even though you don 't need one more item in your inbox , I hope you 'll consider subscribing to Elihu 's channel . Thanks for considering ! The following post will be a little unusual for this blog . But today , I was confounded by my ex and his response to our child continuing at Waldorf for his high school years , and I had to diffuse this hurtful and frightening situation by getting it out of my system and into the world . ( There may yet be repercussions from an angry ex , but I 'm tired of being bullied when all I 'm trying to do is follow the rules and be a good , responsible mom . ) Our son is a joyful kid , an exceptional student , and enjoys everything about his school . Of note here , is that the tuition at this private school ( for which my poverty nets us pretty generous assistance ) goes up in grades 9 - 12 . This , I believe , is the crux of the issue . ( Just last week his father had asked me if we were really considering continuing on with Waldorf in high school . A small red flag right there . ) And recently , in that I 'd just learned that colleges look for near - flawless attendance records , and that until now Elihu 's visits to his father often carved off several days each semester , I 'd said to my ex that we 'd need to see to it that Elihu didn 't miss any extra days when he got to high school . I offered his father The Studio as a place to stay in order to facilitate longer visits . Hell , we now have a bed setup in the basement - with its own bath . If he can carve out some time , he 's always welcome here . And I know Elihu would be more than thrilled to finally ( after about a four - year hiatus ) have his daddy here in his own home . Those suggestions were met with anything but a cooperative , co - parenting response . Fareed responded with the ultimatum " he 'll either visit his father or go to a public school " , to which Elihu responded that " that 's just ignorant " . Cuz truly , it was . Because it doesn 't matter where the kid goes to school - his attendance must still be good . Public or private - it makes no difference . And extra vacation days with dad are unexcused absences , anywhere . Period . Elihu can 't miss school no matter where he goes to school . But that 's the point that his father seemed to miss . Look , I know my ex does not live an easy life . And I know he aint rich - but I also know he aint poor . He 's bringing his wife and two small children to Indonesia with him , and no matter the free hotel rooms , that shit is not cheap . Once , when Fareed lamented how poor he was becoming , I asked , with true love and concern , why he didn 't then apply for food stamps ? Know how he responded ? By bursting out laughing . " I 'm not that poor " he said through his laughter . In a quiet , inner voice , I thought to myself , yes , but your ex - wife and your son are . The contrast between our realities has never mattered - or maybe even registered - to him . When I asked Elihu how his father could be so mean to me , he just responded " he doesn 't care " . " Who doesn 't he care about ? You ? Me ? Who ? " to which Elihu replied " Fareed Haque doesn 't care about anyone - but himself . But that 's not bad . That 's just who he is . " An insightful boy with a big , forgiving heart . Me , I still want justice . Or at least a heartfelt apology for not being nicer , for not acknowledging all I 've done for our son . I just want some props , ya know ? Sometimes I 've imagined what the scene at Elihu 's eighth grade graduation might look like ( one upon a time it seemed decades off , now it 's in just a couple of months ! ! ) and I kinda saw us standing side by side , I imagined him taking up my hand , and us finally , finally , after decades together and less than a decade apart , we 'd be in some way on the same page again . Finally , he would see how Elihu glowed , he 'd feel his happiness , he 'd understand how right this whole life path had been . Fareed would finally understand the huge personal challenge this was for me , how much of myself I gave to the raising of our child , how I did it alone , how I stood the course and how clearly worth it the whole adventure had been . He 'd look and me and squeeze my hand as if to say , ' we 're still friends , and we both love this child ' . But now it doesn 't look like things will be panning out that way . Not so much . Damn . Things were going so well up until now . I 'd like to write it off to his current stressful situation , to money … I 'd like to think it 'll wash over . But I don 't know . I 'll do what I have to in order to keep Elihu in the Waldorf School . If it means selling my piano - I 'll do it . I don 't own my house , so I can 't sell that , but one day I might have to have mom rent it out and look for subsidized housing . Bizarre as that sounds - and looks on paper - it has to go on the list . Everything must be considered . Elihu and I are going to have to roll up our sleeves and dig in deep , cuz at the moment , it really is the two of us against the world . And this kid is staying in the Waldorf School . I made him that promise . I 'm keeping that promise . Friends who know Fareed Haque , we can understand he 's under some stress as he embarks on travels to India , China and Indonesia . He 's had a nightmare of logistic hitches and he 's barely out of the country . This , I honestly feel for . ( One of the great reliefs in not being married to him anymore ! ) You couldn 't pay me to be that guy . His is not a life for the faint of heart . But does this excuse his saying " Fuck you " to me after I simply suggested we should try to tailor Elihu 's visits with his dad such that Elihu does not miss more than 3 days of school a year ? ( I 'm told colleges look for good attendance records - and visits to dad are not considered ' excused ' absences . To remedy this I suggest that Fareed come here and visit . ) Does his stress and upset excuse his threatening to completely remove his and his father 's financial assistance ? Fareed thinks I am doing nothing of merit in life and angrily tells me to ' go get a job ' . I teach , I run a nonprofit , I am a single mother raising a child . I take accompaniment jobs , I rent my venue , I even take side jobs . Plus - get this - my child is joyful and he does very well in school . Elihu speaks German , plays the tuba and creates balsa wood , rubber - powered planes of his own design . Plus he excels in math and takes care of 20 chickens every day before and after school . And he aspires to go to RPI . My legally blind son is diving into life head first . Lots of nature went into the equation , yes , but a hefty dose of nurture did too . ! Safe travels , Fareed Haque , cuz your son loves you and needs you back . But please , stop being so angry and mean when you communicate with us . We appreciate your support , and we 've told you so . Can you please reciprocate and show a little appreciation for the life I 've built for our son ? ? ? I know your road is tough . But it was your choice to create this life , from having four kids with different moms , to a busy touring schedule , to the teaching job with all its red tape and bureaucratic shit ( well , maybe you didn 't really sign on for that ! ) . And hey , if anyone has the balls to pull it all off - for sure it 's you . ! You 've got the energy of a 20 - year - old for sure . You 're a true chip off the old block … It is late , and my son is in his room watching aviation videos . And I am in my room , reading about death . Yeah . That just about sums it up I guess . It 's not as if my interest in death has come all that recently , but it is only of late that I 've begun to actively search out books on the subject , and to think of it so much more personally than ever before in my life . My son , however , at thirteen , is about as far from thoughts of death and mortality as any one human could be . His thoughts are consumed by flight , by what makes it possible , by how me might build a craft to fly so successfully himself . He is also about numbers , about math , about language ( German mostly , but some Japanese and Vietnamese , too - and French , if you press him ) , and he is about the tuba parts in the polkas he loves . He is about his birds . He wishes our rooster Bald Mountain goodnight in a sweet little voice that still sounds more boy than young man most of the time . He is only just about to embark on his young adult life . I however , am trying every single day to call up the nerve to say goodbye to my younger years with some small amount of dignity . It 's not as easy as I 'd thought it would be , and I 'm not going about it with a lot of class . Of this I am sure . For one , I still color my hair . For another , I still think my son actually enjoys my company … Sometimes he still does , but I can feel the curtain of adolescence descending between us , and it reminds me daily that I really do need to start to figure out how the next part of my life will look . How to embrace this growing older thing . Cuz as of this moment , I am still not down with it . Somehow , I still cannot believe it is happening . After returning from a short but lovely evening of music at Caffe Lena ( we heard Golfstrom , a talented group that plays Jewish popular music , mostly European , from around the early part of the last century , to put it succinctly ) we retired to our rooms . In chasing a tangential thread from a Facebook post , I came upon the Obamas dancing their very first dance as President and First Lady . The first thought I had was : how young Barack looked . OMG . Truly , he looked like a young man . I have always been keenly aware that he was elected to office shortly after I moved here - and that he and I are very close in age . In fact , until just a few weeks ago , Obama had been president for the entire time we 'd lived here in New York . ( I remember well the night the counts came in ; the sound of the cheering crowds in Saratoga - most likely from Skidmore College - was audible from three miles away . Even individual shouts carried across the forest to reach my ears as I stood , so deeply thrilled and full of hope , on my porch here on top of the hill . ) Back then we really did look much younger , Barack and I . Often it throws me for a loop and leaves me in a mild state of panic when I see his head so much grayer , his face etched with such deep lines . As a woman I can play the game a little longer , and dying my hair is one of the main tactics I use . But my face has begun to change , and of course , my neck as well . And try as I might , I can 't ignore it . At every turn a reflection is available to me . At every glimpse my mortality faces me , and leaves me no possible way to pretend that things haven 't changed . Tonight , in surveying the room I was struck by one thing : these were essentially my peers . And man , they look old . Yes , perhaps , most of them may have been older than me by a couple of years , maybe even a generation ahead , but by and large , they were ' my age ' - that is to say ' middle aged ' , and the majority of them were gray - haired . A very few of the women had boycotted their changed appearance by dyeing their hair ; one woman even had a head of brilliantly bright red hair in a blunt , modern cut . Still , I could tell , she was older than me . So what was the answer ? What determines ' real ' age ? Should one not go ahead and present to the world how they felt on the inside ? Just how was one to age gracefully and with class ? Go with it ? Fight it ? Deny it with a head of bright red hair - or celebrate it with a head of bright red hair ? ( My mother - in - law went with fire - engine red hair into her 80s ! ) My dark hair almost made me feel like a poser in that room of silver . Like a complete fraud . My face told the real story though . The ' smile ' lines that ran from the corners of my mouth to my nose now created an honest - to - goodness triangle . They weren 't likely to invoke friendly , truth - softening comments like ' oh it 's not so bad . No one else notices them the way you do ' . No . They were as deep and age - revealing as the facial contours of any other women in that room . I was not a forty - something anymore , for sure . I was whatever the hell it is that comes next , goddammit . Watching images of the elegant First Couple dancing , my mind wandered , and I began to wonder what it might be like if I 'd never left Chicago . Part of me began to happily envision a scene at The Hideout , or the Green Mill perhaps , where certainly I 'd see dozens of people I knew - and who were happily my peers . But then I thought again , and realized that most of my clan had grown up too . They no longer spent their weekend nights at alt country clubs or jazz joints - they , like me , were busy shepherding young children into middle school or high school - some might even be seeing theirs off to college . ( Few children of my peers are married yet . Some are , but more still are not . And that somehow comforts me . But it won 't last long . ) Today 's lively nights of jazz at the Green Mill might themselves prove to have me feeling old and past my prime for similar reasons . My peeps aint there no more . My scene is gone , my day has concluded . That chapter is past . Young folks can party , middle - aged folks are too busy to party , and old folks have the time to party , but the energy ? I 'm not so sure . Just today , as we drove home from school after a special delivery of duck eggs ( Mrs . Duck is really producing now - perhaps in anticipation of Spring … ) Elihu and I both mused on how fast time seemed to be passing these days . I remarked that time didn 't feel so fast when I was a kid . I was surprised that he - a kid himself - also perceived time to be moving faster than ever before . " It 's a provable theory of physics " he told me . He promised that this wasn 't just some new age theory about the speeding up of time - it was a viable , measurable fact . " I 've been thinking about time a lot these days " he mused from the back seat . " I mean , time is just change . So if time didn 't exist , would nothing change ? Or if nothing changed , would time cease to exist ? " We batted this idea about for a while , but by the time we were turning into our snow - drifted driveway I 'd already decided I really didn 't care either way . Because whether fast or slow , some shit in my life was definitely changing , and quite honestly , I wasn 't a fan . When I was in my early forties , I remember being caught and successfully reeled in by a made - for - tv commercial in which actor Victoria Principal extolled the brilliant , natural and effortless products in her new skin care line . As prudent a consumer as I had thought myself to be , even after some lengthy internal debates on the subject , I 'd finally chosen to buy in . But first , I engaged in a little due diligence , calling the customer service rep to get a little more specific information on their products . How old was I ? the woman had asked me . When I told her , I remember hearing her hesitate for a moment . As a woman at the dawn of her fourth decade , she 'd advised me not to purchase a particular set of products , because women didn 't usually start to need " that sort of help " until they were in their late forties or even early fifties . Hmm , I 'd thought . There was a timetable here that people had agreed on ? There were actual landmarks I might look for ? There was a timetable that might help me to anticipate - and emotionally prepare for - certain changes ? Nobody had ever told me this before ! No one had ever gone so far as to break down the aging process into stages . But clearly , some people , somewhere , had agreed on this stuff . ( Granted , this was a pre - internet world with less information available to the armchair consumer ) . It did also occur to me that this particular Guthy - Renker employee might have been a bit too honest for her own job security . ! After my chat with the rep , I ended up buying a few products . I can 't say that a one of them made any noticeable difference in my appearance ( however I grew to love the very subtle scent of the lotions which I have not been able to find again , as they were discontinued several years ago ) but shortly after that experience I did come upon a ' miracle ' cream which promised to firm skin as nothing before . This product , I can report , did exactly what it purported to . But at the age of 42 I had no idea what ' real ' aging skin looked like , and the mild tightening this cream provided was just enough , and under makeup , sometimes it really was like a sprinkling of fairy dust . About five or so years later , I remembered the product and thought how it might really benefit me in my new state of sinking skin , so I tried it again . But this time , rather than gently pulling my face together in a smooth , tighter version of itself , it pulled my skin together like a bouquet of tiny wrinkled lines , all gathered at the point of the cream 's application . My neck skin bunched in horrible lines where none had even been before ; it was a situation made much , much worse . But also , it gave me an idea as to how my neck might look a couple of decades hence . Crap . I 'd always thought this shit was for everyone else . Somehow I knew that I was just too cool for that sort of old lady thing to happen to me . That shit was for clueless losers who somehow didn 't care . Or not . Man . Really ? These are the days when things start to change in earnest . No more ' almost ' , no more ' you look fabulous ' as in you really do look fabulous . Ok , I suppose if you shift your frame of reference from a forty - something mindset to a sixty - something mindset you can say those things and mean it , but if you 're like me , and you 're stuck in your head at 44 , unable to fully comprehend that 44 was now a decade ago , then maybe you 're not ready to accept ' you look good ' means just that , only within the context of a whole new framework . Oh how I wish we didn 't pretend this stuff doesn 't bother us the way it really does . Mech , I suppose there are some enlightened souls out there for whom this process is interesting , new , fun , exciting and a welcome challenge . It 's a challenge all right , and I am eager to learn how I end up meeting it , but I 'd be lying if I said this was a process I was enjoying . Nope . Not so much . Yesterday I woke up with an unusual sensation : Nothing in my body hurt ! I was in a joyful mood all morning because it was the first time in months and months that my pulsing , arthritic fingers and stiff hips weren 't the first things I was aware of upon awakening . I took it as nothing short of a small miracle . Plus it offered enlightenment ; not feeling my body all these years until now had actually been a blessed and wonderful thing ! ! A miracle of sorts unto itself . Ah well , better I suppose to be thankful at this point than never at all . I mean I know what 's happening , and I 'm bitching and moaning about it most of the way , but at the end of the day I have it pretty good , aches and pains aside . Yeah . I do . But still … My young piano students are always talking about how much they can 't wait to be older . They can 't wait to be 8 , to be 10 , to finally be a teenager . I remind them that older people at some point start to wish they were younger . A crazy kind of predicament . " So what is , from your perspective " I 'll ask them , " the most perfect age to be ? " Most have answered from 18 to 23 . Which I think is interesting . Yeah , that was a good chapter . But the truly golden chapter ? Want my answer ? From 25 to 45 . Yup . That would be it . And maybe , if I were to commit to one perfect , golden year , it might be 32 . Good times . ! I remember in my mid to late forties thinking " Hey , this isn 't so bad ! I still look pretty good ! " ( I hadn 't yet put on the extra 20 pounds I live with now , so factor that in too … ) And in truth , I still looked pretty much as I had over the past couple of decades . At least I was recognizable to friends I hadn 't seen in years . And that 's often the main ' test of time ' . We all know the importance of name tags on the gentlemen at our 20th high school reunion . Those poor guys either lose their hair or succumb to the gray . The women , on the other hand , have the culture 's permission to color and highlight their hair , augment its volume or length too ; they are encouraged to whiten their teeth , they wear beautiful dresses and use makeup to augment their fading beauty . Men have so few tools with which to make up for what they 've lost . Men must bear the progress of time in all its daunting honesty . Then may get off easy in so many other ways - but when it comes to aging , most of ' em can 't hide . Allow me to advise those who are behind me in their progress … The magic years are , in my experience , from the mid 20s to the mid 40s . By 48 or 49 one begins to change , but it 's subtle . As with all organic changes of life , it seems to happen slowly , and the one day you notice something that wasn 't there the day before . This sort of thing seems to happen more and more frequently after 50 . Hell , even 50 wasn 't all that bad . But over the following three years shit has just seemed to change in all the wrong ways . All the stories I 'd heard uttered from the lips of my ' older ' friends is now becoming my own personal experience . And this , I think to myself , is likely only the beginning . My chin is strange and saggy , my face looks older for reasons I cannot quite pinpoint , and my so - important fingers are now routinely dropping things and can no longer grip into fists . They throb , they ache , and they do not bend as they did even one month ago . Last night , when I sat at the piano to enjoy the final brisk measures of the Italian Concerto just for fun , I realized that my fingers did not posses the dexterity or strength that they had only before Christmas . My physical abilities had waned in just weeks . Strange , and hard to really understand . And so another chapter closes , and a new one begins . Mr . Obama does not look older because of the many stresses and challenges over the past eight years of his presidency , no . He looks older because he is older . And I look older now because I am too . It is a hard thing to come to terms with . When I was a singer and presented all those great torch songs from the early part of the last century , I 'd often remind my audiences that the topics of love , jealousy and revenge were nothing new or exclusive to this generation . In fact , the only reason we were all here today was because - wait for it - our grandmothers got laid ! Maybe it was a little forward , and maybe it made people squirm a bit in their seats , but whatever . It 's true . Every generation is as hip as it gets . And if we live long enough , we then ourselves become no longer hip . Doesn 't mean we don 't remember what it felt like to have all that power - oh , we do . That 's precisely why it 's so challenging to release the past and so bittersweet to remember it . Please take this to heart , all my young and beautiful friends : there is an end to it all . Savor the moments as they unfold , for one day your sexy and exciting present will be just a memory from long , long ago . You too will pass through the witching window , and find yourself on the other side , a mere mortal with crepey skin , graying hair and a treasure trove of memories . Know it , but don 't linger too long in the thought . Instead , let it inspire you to take some risks , put yourself out there and grab all the life experiences you can , while you still have the strength to hold on tight . It 's my hope that this blog doesn 't end up languishing in the virtual ether . Some weeks it seems there 's hardly time enough to take a shower let alone upload pics and cobble together some content … . I asked Elihu why it was that years ago , when my mother duties were non - stop , when I taught far more students than I do today , when farm chores and household repairs were mine alone - why in the face of all that , was I able to write more frequent posts , and to be more reflective about them too ? These days it seems a month goes by and I find myself all of a sudden in a cold panic that I 've let so much time pass ; by one week 's time so much has happened I don 't know where to start , by three weeks ' time it seems as if a whole year has passed and the temptation exists to just forget the whole silly thing altogether . I recently heard Fran Lebowitz say that just because everyone could write a book doesn 't mean everyone should write a book . I felt guilty when I heard this . Man . Was I one of those lame - ass , self - aggrandizing folks who thought their story was so compelling and insightful that I just knew everyone would want to read it if given the chance ? A Facebook post of a high school friend recently asked friends for advice regarding the fate of her angst - ridden journals from years ago … Most advocated a toss into the fire , as Ms . Lebowitz would likely have endorsed . Me , I told her not to toss them , but to read them from her current perspective . To read them with compassion and curiosity . But that 's just me . I want to hear everyone 's story . ( Maybe that 's why deep down I think that everyone secretly wants to read mine … ) Ms . Lebowitz also chides those who would write for the sake of writing alone . She posits that one needs ' something to say ' in order to write . That a person who would write must have a thorough knowledge on her subject . Those things , I might argue with some degree of confidence , I do have . Ms . Lebowitz also stresses the quality of writing , as well as its uniqueness . Hm . Do I possess a unique voice ? A distinct style ? Do I write prose of certain quality ? Not so much , I 'm thinking . There are times when I read my old writing and I think " Man , how naive this person is . This writing is so generic ! And man , how self - involved ( and likely young ) this person is ! " And I 'll say this not even realizing it 's my own writing . Proof positive that I don 't have a handle on any of that shit . Alternately , I might read some of my past material ( again , not realizing at first that it 's me doing the talking ) and think , " Damn , that 's exactly it ! This person has nailed it … Why doesn 't anyone else make these observations ? " But then again , it 's content alone that I 'm responding to . Not style . Cuz really , I 'm not sure that I actually have one . The only telltale sign that it 's me might be the reflective use of " but still " … Indeed I digress , as I don 't intend to delve into literary criticism here but rather get to the action that 's been going on in our lives since the last post . Proof that this blogging effort is really about content , content , content ! Quality be damned . Let 's get caught up , shall we ? Between The Studio , The Hillhouse , the aviation endeavors , the performances and the critters , there 's been enough to keep us super swinging busy . As Elihu comforted me the other day , after I 'd asked him one too many times why it was so hard to get things done these days , " The Studio is a real thing now . Things are the way they are supposed to be . You 're busy with real things now . " Real indeed . An electric bill that exceeds my take by four times , a property that needs constant plowing and attention , insurance bills that don 't stop , and a roster of piano students that has dwindled to the lowest number since I moved here eight and a half years ago . Some things promise growth , but many others are still in flux - and the next era , while showing some signs of being just around the next corner , is not quite upon us . Not quite . But still … It 's getting closer … Now it 's time for Jesus Christ Superstar . Last time I played this challenging score it was with a band . And , I was 9 months pregnant with lil man . It came back fairly easily , but still , playing this book for an hour and a half straight ( sans band ) had me a little wiped afterward . Plus I had to keep a couple bags of frozen peas around to ice down my aching and arthritic fingers during rehearsals . Sadly , our friend - the light / soundman - fell from a ladder and needed attention ASAP . As of this writing he 's doing well - which is nothing short of a friggin miracle . We all loved our time with Chuck . He 's what you 'd call a Really Good Human Being . Hard to imagine , but he returned the next two days to see us through our shows . After the last show we went to Compton 's , the local diner on Broadway . These kids are all so comfortable with each other , so kind and generous . I 'm so thrilled for their incredible performances . Look ! I got in the paper twice on the same page ! For Express Yourself and our most rockin performance of Jesus Christ Superstar by the Waldorf School Seniors ! ( At the equally rockin venue Universal Preservation Hall . ) End of an era . Saratoga Guitar closes its West Ave shop . For every chapter there has always been a certain guitar store that acted as a hub for my life . This location was that central hub for my life here in New York . Saratoga Guitar has now moved to Weibel Avenue . As I like to say : ' Weibel is the new West ' . Ah , but there are more changes afoot too . The house in the field is built and ready . There is still no light , but any day now that will change . And that will be the most profound and saddest change yet in a very long time . Then I saw the tiny fingerlings of seedpods , so small , so close - up . From this contrast I gleaned the idea : Incremental becomes monumental . ( Let this notion inspire me as I contemplate yet another diet in my life . ! ) May many more pennies find their way to us in the future ! ! Financially things are still pretty rough these days , but with the help of friends and family , we 've made it this far , and to all of you who 've helped us to stay afloat , we thank you with our love and deep gratitude . Honestly , I do think the hardest days are past . It really does feel like we 're about to turn a huge corner on our way to the future . But still , there are a few challenging hurdles ahead . The photos we post here don 't always tell the whole story . Even so , they do reflect the lovely variety of happy events that we 've been lucky enough to experience over the past few weeks . Both Elihu and I feel very fortunate to be living this varied and interesting life , right here and right now . And we hope that all of you reading , all of you , the friends we have yet to meet , will also come to meet your own bright futures very soon . Thanks for joining us on our continuing adventure , and we 'll see you around the next corner . Filed under : An Ongoing Journal . . . - wingmother @ 1 : 38 pm As I pounded the dripping kitchen sink faucet off with a hammer for the umpteenth time tonight , it occurred to me . One day this is precisely the sort of thing we will be nostalgic for . The same faucet - the one that has me cursing and sighing and wringing my hands over all the many other things it reminds me of which I cannot afford to have fixed properly either - this faucet and so many other loose ends all about our household ( that alternately stress and amuse us ) are very likely the things we 'll look back upon with tenderness after they have long been fixed and the problems forgotten . These are the times will make us smile someday : This time , right now . When the rooster lives in the house with us at night and wakes us at 6 : 15 on the nose every morning , the days when tuba lessons are still such a novel joy , the days of expansive Sunday afternoons flying RC aircraft with friends who are just as crazy for aviation as we , the days when saying goodnight to the chickens can still take a half an hour easy , the days when mom still plays music at school and is still part of her son 's life and he is thankfully still happy for it , the days when the great field outside our window is still dark at night . The days when grandma is just next door , and we can pop in anytime she 's home . The time when things still feel just about as innocent as they did when my son was still very small . You see , we 're not too far away from them to at least remember how it feels . How if feels to have a home , a life , and a few simple hobbies , some animals and a few instruments to play . We know the importance of all this stuff . It 's our bottom line , really . These are those days still ; the days when our house needs a long list of repairs far beyond our budget , the days when life is cluttered , busy , full of hiccups , false starts and sometimes even sudden unexpected runs of good luck . The days when we 're poor , but the magic always follows us and makes up for the rest . These were the days .

Our eldest hen Specks is gone . The fox got her in one of the many rounds she 's made on our property this spring on the quest to feed her new litter of kits . How can I begrudge her ? Again and again she takes birds from our fast - dwindling flock . We take the hits in stride ; we cannot truly shed tears , but our hearts become so very heavy at times with the losses . Specks was the last descendant of our original flock , and her sudden departure two weeks ago still causes me grief . A large bird , she was white with odd little flecks of black and brown , heavy - lidded eyes and a gentle demeanor which allowed for one to easily scoop her up for a quick passing smooch . She was sister to our beloved Thumbs Up ( who died on Christmas day of 2016 ) and her death marks the end of an era for us here at the Hillhouse . But our losses have not stopped there . The tenacious mother fox has come to visit - and in broad daylight - repeatedly , sometimes several times in one afternoon . Day before yesterday , when we were just at our neighbors and Elihu was happily flying his favorite new helicopter , we lost our young rooster Alden ( son of Bald Mountain and hopeful new king and father of future generations ) as well as a few other girls . Not all of our hens have names , and that does make it easier when one of them turns up missing , however now we are down to a bare - bones flock of just eight hens , half of whom have endeared themselves to us with charming traits and distinctive personalities . I hold my breath every time we do a count ; is chatty Christie still with us ? Laid - back Gildie and curious Scottie ? These three are the ones I watch now , staying my heart for what seems the inevitable loss to come . Bald Mountain is still here . Though no longer the robust , take - no - prisoners eleven pound bird he once was , he manages to hold his head erect ( although his arthritic tail often flags ) and continues to crow in the face of being beat up by the drake and chased by the fox . He is a survivor . Truth be told , he is our family dog and when he finally goes there will be a huge shift here . All of my students and all of our friends know Baldie . He is still the reigning king . But even a king must meet his maker , and we hold out hope that when his time comes , he goes peacefully in his sleep . It would be a hugely bitter pill for us to swallow if he should lose his life to the fox . But we know it 's a possibility , and so every day we proceed with guarded hearts , hoping for the best but on the ready for anything . So much has happened since my last post that the prospect of catching friends and readers up has felt like an impossible task . Our lives have been jam - packed with deep conversations , medical emergencies , end of year concerts and exams , gigs , gear malfunctions , car drama , epiphanies , mounting electric bills and overflowing septic tanks . But along the way we 've experienced the incredible and sometimes completely surprising generosity of friends and neighbors that have offered critical relief and support just when we needed it most . And we 've enjoyed tiny little revelations and gifts that have kept our spirits up while other events threatened to drag us into despair . ( Perhaps I should really be saying " I " here instead of " we " to be more truthful ; Elihu is far more even - keeled in the face of sudden challenges than I am . ) There are moments when I know that our life is magical and that we are lucky , and there are moments when I just wish that it were fucking over already , cuz I 'm tired . And sometimes I just don 't know how much more of this crap I can take . But then I remind myself that I still have work to do here on this earth . I remind myself that Elihu 's tiny years are over , and that the years he 'll remain here at home will be short and I will want to savor them as best I can . And certainly , it will be easier from here on in . As a friend and father of six children had noted to me when I told him that my son was now 14 : " the heavy lifting is over " . Yes , it is . And I have a capable child - and more important , he is a child who is willing and eager to assist me in any way he can . Finally he understands how much work it is to keep a house , a menagerie of animals and a plot of land . How much work it is to make sure that food is made , that laundry is done , that the house is kept clean . That the tuba lessons cost a dear chunk of my income . That his mother doesn 't have quite the energy that she did when we started this whole adventure in the country nine years ago . Yeah , my kid gets all of this , and he 's helping out more and more , which is something that I doubly treasure when I hear tales of the disengaged , screen - addicted children with whom parents can hardly make a connection . There 's no doubt that I 'm fortunate . Today I took Elihu to a gig with me . A few times a month I host a karaoke singalong at a nursing home , and I 'd promised to bring him along to sing and perform a couple of songs on his recorders . When he 'd finished his short set , he sat down at the resident train table and began to tinker with the unworking engines and track while I entertained the crowd . Before I had finished , he had the N scale train running again around the table , through the tiny mountain and switching successfully in the tiny model downtown . Trains were Elihu 's very first love , and his time with this train set put him in a very happy mood . We said our goodbyes and then , as we 'd planned , we made our way to a small airfield just a few miles up the road so he could look at the planes there . It was a tidy , well - kept place , the main road in lined with blooming dwarf lilac bushes and neatly cut grass all around . We could see a handful of small high wing planes ( most of which Elihu readily named for me ) and after we 'd walked the perimeter , we found a man fueling his own small craft . We began to chat , and he lead us around the sheds where we took a closer look at the handful of planes . This fellow and Elihu became engaged in the usual shop talk , and it was soon apparent to this man that the kid really knew aviation . So while I chatted with Joe , another very personable fellow there who had been doing some work on his vintage Cessna ( the only other person at the airport ) he and I watched as pilot Doug and Elihu taxied away on the grassy runway for an impromptu flight . Within minutes of arriving at an unfamiliar airfield here I was sending my one and only child into the air with a man whom I 'd only just met moments before . And whose last name I didn 't know . But this is how Elizabeth and Elihu live . Magically guided are we . Doug was a sweetie and let Elihu fly the plane . Doug told him to pay attention to the horizon and not the gauges . To look at his relationship to the land … Then Doug turned his attention to his phone , letting Elihu savor that rare moment , that longed - for experience . They were up for fifteen minutes or so , and as they made a pass to the west , silhouetted against the expanse of cumulous clouds behind , all I could think was " There he is . My boy . My boy , up there in the sky ! " On the way home we stopped to visit a friend from Chicago who 's in town to assess the health and living situation of her older parents . Not a happy , easy occasion . My son was hopped up on his recent flying ' high ' and wished for us to get home , but the detour was necessary . After a little pow - pow with my friend and her parents ' neighbor , Elihu and I had my out - of - town friend follow us to the retirement home that was on our route home . Linda leaned into the car window and kissed me goodbye . When we pulled away Elihu said " Yeah , I can feel how she 's thinking about other things . " He had been anxious to get home , but he understood the seriousness of the situation and was patient with the extra time the errand had added to our day . The waning sun cast a yellowish glow on the treetops and created a olive green tone to the shadows . The countryside on our short drive home looked like a painting , like a dramatic exaggeration of its own beauty . Lovely as it was though , this short drive was feeling much too long for both of us . But finally the golden trees alongside the road were ours . After such a long day away , we were deeply relieved to finally be returning home . Like the old days , when Bald Mountain 's own son Alden would beat him up and leave him bloody , stumbling , hurting and missing a good portion of his feathers , the old rooster had suffered a violent night in the coop , and we 'd taken him back into the kitchen for some TLC and recuperation time ( it was the drake who had attacked him this time ) . He greeted us with a loud crow , made even louder in the natural amplifier of our tiny kitchen . Yup , this was home . A rooster in the corner , poison dart frogs and tree frogs in the kid 's room , a half dozen week old chicks in the basement , and some overgrown goldfish who desperately need to be moved to the outside pond before they grow too big to turn around inside their tank . I like to think I have a tidy , organized house . And if you visit our living room or bedrooms , it does look pretty peaceful and orderly . But add some critters , and things change . The animals , they 're just messy . And stinky . There 's no denying the stink . Most of them don 't always live here , though . Only when they can 't live outside . And for the moment , that 's the situation . The tiny chicks that our mama duck hatched out ( to our complete surprise ) still live in the damp , ever - flooding basement . It won 't always be thus , but for now , it 's the reality . I tell ya , one day you 're living like a proper lady from town , enjoying the finer things in life and making plans to go to the ballet , and the next your in your nightgown , offing a raccoon in the pouring rain with a sledgehammer . Yeah , things tend to swing from one extreme to the next around here . We just never know . Gut wrenching emergencies and stunning , irreversible changes threaten our hopes for a happy future , and then certain other little events which we have long dreamed of and hoped for suddenly drop into our lives , and we find some problems solved and new opportunities opening up … . Lean years , rich years , sick years , healthy years , dismal years , hopeful years … so much of it all mixes together in even shorter , smaller nuggets that it 's hard to organize it all . Does life suck and is it unfair ? Yes ! Does life thrill you and even let you win every now and then in the most exciting way ? Yes ! I am convinced most folks in this privileged , Western world can experience an incredibly full , expansive life . I might even go so far as to say that it might just be possible for a person to have it all . However , I don 't believe it is ever possible to have it all at the same time . ! So - savor what you have , deal with what needs dealing with . Avoid the stuff that the God voice warns against , and do the stuff that the God voice recommends . Enjoy the free and unstructured moments in between all the rest . Cuz life sucks . Cuz life rocks . Cuz life does all the other stuff too . And aren 't we glad of it ? Imagine how boring life would be without these little surprises and challenges . Life is what it is . It 's a little of everything . Highs , lows . It 's a little bit airplane , it 's a little bit sky … A perfect mix . Shortly after Elihu and I moved to upstate New York from the suburbs of Chicago almost nine years ago , I became profoundly afraid of the unknowns that awaited me . My previous life had been laid out pretty well , and my future had never been a terribly big concern . I would be a wife , a mother , a teacher , a part - time musician … the rest would take care of itself . But upon arriving here - with no job , no students , no husband , no friends , no music , no connections , no money , no health insurance , no savings - and the rest of my life stretching out vast and empty before me , I was overcome with fear . Core - shaking , nausea - inducing fear . Marlboro reds and red wine were not enough . And so one day I did the only thing left to do . I called a psychic . Yeah , I know . But still … I remember not feeling like I 'd exactly gotten my money 's worth at the conclusion of our meeting . I am not a fan of readings in which they tell you what you already know ; instead I want proactive advice ; situations to be on the lookout for , and actions to avoid . Practical stuff I can use . I 'd like some guidance on my way back to the path . But the reading left me with just the usual sorts of things ; a couple of insights , some advice - and what that advice was I certainly can 't recall now - but I do remember that this fellow had become repeatedly aware of the number ' 53 ' during our session . At the time it meant nothing to me , but he told me to keep an eye out for it , and that he sensed quite strongly that it had - or would have one day - some real significance in my life . I filed it away in my head , and before long it was forgotten as the survivalist years began in earnest . Since that first summer here , so many incredibly valuable , challenging and life - changing events have transpired that I would never in a million years have expected to know firsthand . However for great stretches at a time I had my plate so full that I didn 't have the time - or the perspective - to consider what it was I might have been learning from my new situation ; instead my main concerns were simply getting through a day with enough food , heat and a happy child . Occasionally I would catch glimpses of a promising future that might one day emerge if I just kept moving … But those moments of insight and clarity were few and far between as days , weeks and months passed in a depressing , stressful and exhausting blur . Sometimes though , my mind would often go back to that particular number . Fifty - three did not speak to me of anything significant ; a humdrum number with no promise or hidden meaning . What on earth could 53 possibly mean ? I wondered over and over . How might this number change my life ? If this 53 pertained to my age , then it would likely prove to be a letdown - middle age would be firmly upon me by then , I 'd think to myself , looking elsewhere for its significance . At the end of my periodic ruminations I would always come up with nothing . Fifty - three was a wash . Just another number or just another year . Whatever . Not too long ago , as Elihu and I sat at the breakfast table , the number 53 floated into my thoughts , and so I posed an innocent question to my son : Had this year in particular been much different for me from all those that had come before ? Without hesitating Elihu said " Oh yes . Definitely . " My eyebrows went up . " How so ? " Sometimes the answers I seek from my son try his patience , as either they are so obvious or they are simply set up to reassure my failing ego , something for which Elihu has little sympathy . My gut was tightening at the prospect of him scolding me and letting the " obvious " answer go unspoken . Thankfully he answered with a straightforward list of reasons . And as I heard the reasons spoken aloud , I began to wonder if we weren 't perhaps in the very midst of the mysterious 53 right here and now … My son and I are forty years apart in age , and while this , his thirteenth year , was an easily identifiable landmark in his life , my own age of 53 hadn 't really appeared to be a milestone . At least not at face value . But digging deeper , I realized that this had been a hugely significant year for me … After he 'd finished , I asked him please to indulge me , and to repeat what he 'd just said . I was grateful that he did . " This is the first complete year The Studio has been working as a business " he started . " It 's a real thing now . You played your first solo job since I was born . You 've had singing gigs with a jazz guitarist . You have friends . You 're even working out again . " ( And , little did he know , I 'd lost seven pounds and was facing the thrilling prospect of wearing my favorite clothes again . ) I stopped for a moment to consider what he 'd said . Damn . The kid was right . I did a quick review in my head of all the months of the past year , all the tiny landmarks , all the firsts , all of the milestones reached . I created bylaws , held board meetings , drafted contracts , learned dozens of new songs , met lots of people , gotten new gigs and developed new skills - and a bit more confidence , too . It was easy to forget the progress when my nose was always to the ground , my mind only on the present day 's to - do list … But when I lifted my gaze it was possible to see that I really had covered new ground . Wow . I was actually in a better place than I used to be . Crazy . Whoda thunk ? Certainly not me ! I 'm still fairly surprised to notice that things feel pretty good at this moment in time . I feel that finally , finally , I 'm getting some traction here as I move into this next era of my life . Finally I can see the future taking shape and my once far - off goals coming into sharper focus . So as I wrap up another year of residency on this planet ( my birthday is May 7th ) I can truly say that 53 has been good to me . Mystery solved . And just sayin - I 'll be ready for more at 54 … This past week we 've experienced a good dose of dramatic and angry - sounding winds here in our corner of upstate New York ; several mornings we 've awoken to see fresh tree limbs scattered across the property . Daily the coop door bangs shut even after we 've made an attempt to prop it open , and at night the wind through the forest that surrounds our house can sound like a swarm of enormous jet engines passing us on all sides . It 's been cold too , as in single - digit cold , which can make it feel like an all - out assault mounted against us by the elements . The snow is almost all gone now , due to a few unseasonably warm days , but the game is still on ; winter is by no means done with us . Truly , we are exhausted by it , but at least we know that it won 't last much longer . Elihu 's birthday is on April 28th , and by then the snow will be gone for good . Each year at about this time , when our patience is at its very end , we remind ourselves of this definitive marker , which promises us unconditionally that there are just a few weeks left . ! Day before yesterday the air was a bit warmer , the wind had calmed down , and as I was outside fixing the fencing and making minor repairs to the coop I heard a new sound … At first it registered as familiar , but it took me a minute to really get it . The red - wing blackbirds were back ! Every year our amazement at the turning of the seasons is refreshed ; it 's nearly impossible to imagine how different things will feel in only a month 's time , and even harder to grasp that such a change will truly happen at all ! Today it sure doesn 't seem as if anything will ever change , but before too long , a few early robins and a line of turtles sunning themselves on nearby pond banks will seal the deal for us . At the moment , however , I pray that all those dear creatures who presently remain suspended in winter 's torpor will stay there for just a little bit longer , as it is still bitter cold outside . ( Also , our snow - less terrain will be changing again soon , as there is a winter storm warning for the next two days promising 12 - 18 inches of snowfall . Oh well . ) The recent weather in our interior lives has been a bit windy and dramatic too . A recent heated exchange with Elihu 's father over his attending the Waldorf School including some angry emails from him prompted me to pen a terse response . I knew , even as I posted my note to him on Facebook ( polite , to - the - point and with a small degree of good humor ) , that it wasn 't likely to serve me in any productive way . Yeah , I knew it . But being told " Fuck you " by my son 's father as I tried to defend the importance of Elihu 's school , man , that was too much . Seriously not cool . In hindsight I can understand that he was stressed , and in no frame of mind to respond kindly . Lots on that guy 's plate : travelling internationally ( and with a Muslim name no less in this crazy Trumped - up world ) , having his time with his son challenged ( on account of reducing unexcused absences in high school ) , having to keep up with his financial commitments . Yeah , I get it . In future I think my own policy should be to wait at least 24 hours so I can cool down a bit before firing off a response to his angry communications . But regardless of the situation , regardless of how carefully I might intend to preserve what remains of our relationship , I will never get my props from that guy - and I think I understand that fully now . No well - written letter , no physical evidence , not even a happy and thriving child will get any witness - let alone gratitude - from him . But that 's OK . I have a full plate , and a happy kid . I had my life with Fareed , and in that wonderful life I made friends , I became part of a very unique family , I traveled , I became a better musician , and I learned things - and in the end I got a wonderful child out of it too . So that relationship fulfilled its role in our lives . Yes , it was a good chapter . ( The transitional one that followed , er , uh … maybe not so much ! ) But I 've been learning throughout the entire journey , so nothing has been lost . All is as it should be … OK . Next adventure ? Elihu himself has had a magical week . Yesterday he played an adjudicated tuba performance ( NYSSMA - New York State School Music Association ) and received a score of 97 . As his teacher told him earlier today at his lesson , this is a pretty important accomplishment in that just over a year ago Elihu had only the most rudimentary reading skills . ( Yes , he knew his bass clef , but finding the notes on the tuba made it a whole new ballgame . ) The judge made some lovely comments about Elihu 's interpretation and musicality , and this , although perhaps not entirely surprising , still kind of shocked us both . We 'd prepared for some level of disappointment , so this was a pretty thrilling conclusion . Another magical element to the week was Elihu 's successful and short - lived GoFundMe campaign to raise money to buy a collective pitch / 3D RC heli . It 's been a while ( in the helicopter world 1 year = 5 years of ' normal ' time ) since Elihu 's had a brand - new heli . He 's fixed up the old ones and done his best to keep everything in the air , but at the end of the day , many of his craft weren 't designed to be fixed , but rather simply replaced . And now that he 's got some skills , he really wanted a craft that could support him as he learned a new , more sophisticated technique of flying . But on a $ 5 weekly allowance , the $ 250 heli he wanted ( by his 14th birthday ) would take a loooong time to save for . I made the suggestion that he could start a campaign - but the content was on him . We posted a couple of pics and he wrote the text . It took about a half hour to create , and in a only few hours ' time after posting it he 'd reached his goal . He was running around the house laughing and laughing and gleefully jumping over the furniture ( well , he does that anyway , but still … ) . He promptly ordered the heli , making sure the guy at Horizon Hobby knew of his past disappointments . And wouldn 't ya know , the box arrived FedEx like 2 days later … I missed the first delivery and had to cancel some appointments to make sure I was here to receive it the following day , but oh how worth it it was . ! ! A triumph , a moment , a rite of passage . Let 's just hope he goes slow and takes all the advice he 's given . This will take a whole new level of skill . I 'm confident he 'll do fine , I just hope it doesn 't take him one broken - up craft to get there . When Elihu told me at the age of six that he wanted to play tuba , I knew he meant it . But who coulda known just what that would mean a few years down the line ? And when Elihu began his obsession with birds , and then in time aviation , how could I ever have known the adventures that would ensue as a result ? When he was told he needed to play bass before he could play tuba , who woulda thunk he 'd take care of business as he did ? Me , I was always a path - of - least - resistance kind of person from the start . I did the bare minimum I had to in order to get by . My kid , he 's not like that . He 's one to face stuff head one , assess it , devise a strategy and then dive in . When Elihu does something , he fucking does it . And he does it with such deep interest , such integrity , and such modesty . And the thing is - he does things with true joy . Not the laugh - out - loud sort necessarily ( although sometimes that is how it manifests - like when he 's flying a helicopter or playing his djembe and he just can 't stop grinning ) , but rather it 's something that 's deeper , more lasting . He spends a lot of time in thought , and a fair amount of time reflecting on all the things he 's learned . He 's a fun kid to have around , and many are the times I 've thanked him for choosing me to be his mother . I 'm learning right along side him , and I 'm enjoying myself too . It 's a good thing that things are going well on the kid front , because challenges abound regarding The Studio these days . Forget about updating the website ( one can clearly see that I have indeed forgotten about that ! ) , there are mechanical issues popping up as we pilot our way ( we ? Make that ' me ' ) through our second winter . Pipes are freezing , despite my cranking the super - expensive baseboard electric heat , renters are still enjoying last year 's prices ( oy , I started so low I cringe to think ) , the terrain is either too muddy , too icy or piled too high with snow , and mom is still essentially funding the balance . We had a productive board meeting recently , but until we have a larger board , and until I can start assigning people tasks ( I suppose in the real world we 'd call those ' committees ' ) it 's going to remain just lil old me doing it all . But overall , things are so much better than last year at this time , and I have to constantly remind myself of that . Over the past month I 've experienced some personal exchanges with folks who 've stepped up to tell me they think this Studio thing has been a big mistake , a personal detour of sorts , and that I should just let it go . Some folks have wondered why I don 't just work for someone else and give myself a break from all the stress . I myself had some similar thoughts recently , and it was my mother who quite angrily insisted that quitting wasn 't an option . I suppose an existential crisis is inevitable along the path to creating something new like this . All I need to do is read back over this blog through the past few years to see just how far I 've come . It 's easy to miss in the thick of it . You know , forest for the trees . This weekend has been another in a series of challenges , and thankfully the renter was very kind about it . It 's all been a huge learning experience . From how to run a business to how to maintain a building - to learning how to deal with a variety of different personalities and expectations . Huge . Learning . Experience . ( I 'm not such a fan of that " word / period " technique , but it does kinda Make . The . Point . ) Now it 's late and I 'm losing my recall for the events of the past few weeks . Now I need to summon the focus to wake bright and early tomorrow and start hittin it all again . Make lunch , breakfast , do the chickens , check in with renters at the Studio , get kid to school , hit the Y , do some fast grocery shopping , prepare for a new student , learn the new score for the kid 's musical , put the groceries away ( sometimes that 's easy to overlook ! ) . Then there 's the small matter of tweaking the Studio 's bylaws , CCing everyone on the changes , and a few other Studio - related items which are too mundane to list , but can easily eat up the hour I may ( or may not ) have left after all else is checked off the list . Not sure I 'll get to the website . My taxes and school tuition assistance forms and the monthly emailing will also have to wait another day or two . A girl can only do so much ! Maybe after the kid 's in bed … You too ? Yeah , I kinda thought it wasn 't just me . Every last one of us in this contemporary world is busy , busy , busy . But what an adventure , huh ? Just today Elihu remarked that neither one of us tended to do things by " half measure " . When I looked to him for his reasoning behind it , he swept his hand in an open gesture toward our small living room . " You don 't just have a piano , you also have a harpsichord . I don 't just have a tuba , I also have a bass . And I don 't just have an alto recorder - I have em all ! And we play all of them , and we enjoy playing all of them . And I don 't just love aviation , I live aviation . You don 't just love meeting new people and experiencing new situations , you live for that . And we don 't just keep a couple of chickens - we actually hatch our own flocks right here in our own little incubator . " As I looked around the room with a fresh new perspective , I nodded in agreement . I told him I hadn 't thought of it like that , and I confessed that I often felt our simple life here had sometimes become way too complicated . " We just don 't do things by half - measure " Elihu repeated . We stood there together for a moment in silence , looking out at our cozy room . " But we love it that way , don 't we ? " Yup , I guess we do . No , there 's nothing half - hearted or half - measured about our life here . And I 'm sure my son is probably right . Neither one of us would truly enjoy a static , predictable life - even if it meant all the warmth and sunshine of Florida . And while we treasure our peaceful and quiet time at home , sometimes it 's still a lot of fun to live in the midst of a whirlwind . We 've finally discovered why hens like to park underneath Bald Moutain 's belly : he is covered with a huge number of poultry mites . No amount of topical treatments have rid him of these pests which cause him to itch all over , and without respite . Some hens like to crawl underneath him and pick off the mites as little snacks . I called the local vet and can you believe I have a $ 156 credit there ? ? That means that this coming Thursday Baldie will be getting the full - on salon treatment via some internal medication that will put an end to this 8 year old roo 's troubles . Elihu loves so many animals . This tiny , dime - sized poison dart frog lives with two others of another variety in a vivarium that is self - sustaining . Elihu spent months researching the construction of this sophisticated environment online before putting it together himself . All I can say is God bless the internet , and go YouTube ! Sundays around here mean tuba lessons ! In this pic Elihu 's magnificent teacher , Mike Meidenbauer , goes over some smaller points regarding the interpretive aspects of the tuba concerto Elihu will be playing at NYSSMA , an adjudicated performance which is graded and requires scales , sight reading and performance . We adore Mike for many reasons , and perhaps top on our list ( although he is a highly regarded low brass instructor ) is his joyful and humorous way of interjecting colorful language into a lesson . ( He also has chickens ! ) Mike , Elihu and I are cut from much the same sort of cloth . We find his natural , humanistic way of teaching beyond refreshing . I realize that sometimes our ' doorbell ' confuses folks . The real bell is an actual bell that hangs on the side of the door . It came from my father 's childhood summer home on Paradox Lake in upstate New York , and it was likely used to call my dad and his brother up to the house for dinner . I just love that the same sound is now a familiar part of our life here . So far , however , very few folks have been brave enough to actually use it . Elihu has lamented for a while now that he doesn 't have a YouTube channel , but he has so much information to impart , and he thinks his input could be of value to someone out there . Finally , I sat down and got to work creating a channel . We took his first - ever formal " video " of his heli 's unboxing ( which I 'm told is definitely a " thing " ) and uploaded it . He is now probably the happiest boy that ever walked the face of this earth . P . S . Even though you don 't need one more item in your inbox , I hope you 'll consider subscribing to Elihu 's channel . Thanks for considering ! The following post will be a little unusual for this blog . But today , I was confounded by my ex and his response to our child continuing at Waldorf for his high school years , and I had to diffuse this hurtful and frightening situation by getting it out of my system and into the world . ( There may yet be repercussions from an angry ex , but I 'm tired of being bullied when all I 'm trying to do is follow the rules and be a good , responsible mom . ) Our son is a joyful kid , an exceptional student , and enjoys everything about his school . Of note here , is that the tuition at this private school ( for which my poverty nets us pretty generous assistance ) goes up in grades 9 - 12 . This , I believe , is the crux of the issue . ( Just last week his father had asked me if we were really considering continuing on with Waldorf in high school . A small red flag right there . ) And recently , in that I 'd just learned that colleges look for near - flawless attendance records , and that until now Elihu 's visits to his father often carved off several days each semester , I 'd said to my ex that we 'd need to see to it that Elihu didn 't miss any extra days when he got to high school . I offered his father The Studio as a place to stay in order to facilitate longer visits . Hell , we now have a bed setup in the basement - with its own bath . If he can carve out some time , he 's always welcome here . And I know Elihu would be more than thrilled to finally ( after about a four - year hiatus ) have his daddy here in his own home . Those suggestions were met with anything but a cooperative , co - parenting response . Fareed responded with the ultimatum " he 'll either visit his father or go to a public school " , to which Elihu responded that " that 's just ignorant " . Cuz truly , it was . Because it doesn 't matter where the kid goes to school - his attendance must still be good . Public or private - it makes no difference . And extra vacation days with dad are unexcused absences , anywhere . Period . Elihu can 't miss school no matter where he goes to school . But that 's the point that his father seemed to miss . Look , I know my ex does not live an easy life . And I know he aint rich - but I also know he aint poor . He 's bringing his wife and two small children to Indonesia with him , and no matter the free hotel rooms , that shit is not cheap . Once , when Fareed lamented how poor he was becoming , I asked , with true love and concern , why he didn 't then apply for food stamps ? Know how he responded ? By bursting out laughing . " I 'm not that poor " he said through his laughter . In a quiet , inner voice , I thought to myself , yes , but your ex - wife and your son are . The contrast between our realities has never mattered - or maybe even registered - to him . When I asked Elihu how his father could be so mean to me , he just responded " he doesn 't care " . " Who doesn 't he care about ? You ? Me ? Who ? " to which Elihu replied " Fareed Haque doesn 't care about anyone - but himself . But that 's not bad . That 's just who he is . " An insightful boy with a big , forgiving heart . Me , I still want justice . Or at least a heartfelt apology for not being nicer , for not acknowledging all I 've done for our son . I just want some props , ya know ? Sometimes I 've imagined what the scene at Elihu 's eighth grade graduation might look like ( one upon a time it seemed decades off , now it 's in just a couple of months ! ! ) and I kinda saw us standing side by side , I imagined him taking up my hand , and us finally , finally , after decades together and less than a decade apart , we 'd be in some way on the same page again . Finally , he would see how Elihu glowed , he 'd feel his happiness , he 'd understand how right this whole life path had been . Fareed would finally understand the huge personal challenge this was for me , how much of myself I gave to the raising of our child , how I did it alone , how I stood the course and how clearly worth it the whole adventure had been . He 'd look and me and squeeze my hand as if to say , ' we 're still friends , and we both love this child ' . But now it doesn 't look like things will be panning out that way . Not so much . Damn . Things were going so well up until now . I 'd like to write it off to his current stressful situation , to money … I 'd like to think it 'll wash over . But I don 't know . I 'll do what I have to in order to keep Elihu in the Waldorf School . If it means selling my piano - I 'll do it . I don 't own my house , so I can 't sell that , but one day I might have to have mom rent it out and look for subsidized housing . Bizarre as that sounds - and looks on paper - it has to go on the list . Everything must be considered . Elihu and I are going to have to roll up our sleeves and dig in deep , cuz at the moment , it really is the two of us against the world . And this kid is staying in the Waldorf School . I made him that promise . I 'm keeping that promise . Friends who know Fareed Haque , we can understand he 's under some stress as he embarks on travels to India , China and Indonesia . He 's had a nightmare of logistic hitches and he 's barely out of the country . This , I honestly feel for . ( One of the great reliefs in not being married to him anymore ! ) You couldn 't pay me to be that guy . His is not a life for the faint of heart . But does this excuse his saying " Fuck you " to me after I simply suggested we should try to tailor Elihu 's visits with his dad such that Elihu does not miss more than 3 days of school a year ? ( I 'm told colleges look for good attendance records - and visits to dad are not considered ' excused ' absences . To remedy this I suggest that Fareed come here and visit . ) Does his stress and upset excuse his threatening to completely remove his and his father 's financial assistance ? Fareed thinks I am doing nothing of merit in life and angrily tells me to ' go get a job ' . I teach , I run a nonprofit , I am a single mother raising a child . I take accompaniment jobs , I rent my venue , I even take side jobs . Plus - get this - my child is joyful and he does very well in school . Elihu speaks German , plays the tuba and creates balsa wood , rubber - powered planes of his own design . Plus he excels in math and takes care of 20 chickens every day before and after school . And he aspires to go to RPI . My legally blind son is diving into life head first . Lots of nature went into the equation , yes , but a hefty dose of nurture did too . ! Safe travels , Fareed Haque , cuz your son loves you and needs you back . But please , stop being so angry and mean when you communicate with us . We appreciate your support , and we 've told you so . Can you please reciprocate and show a little appreciation for the life I 've built for our son ? ? ? I know your road is tough . But it was your choice to create this life , from having four kids with different moms , to a busy touring schedule , to the teaching job with all its red tape and bureaucratic shit ( well , maybe you didn 't really sign on for that ! ) . And hey , if anyone has the balls to pull it all off - for sure it 's you . ! You 've got the energy of a 20 - year - old for sure . You 're a true chip off the old block … It is late , and my son is in his room watching aviation videos . And I am in my room , reading about death . Yeah . That just about sums it up I guess . It 's not as if my interest in death has come all that recently , but it is only of late that I 've begun to actively search out books on the subject , and to think of it so much more personally than ever before in my life . My son , however , at thirteen , is about as far from thoughts of death and mortality as any one human could be . His thoughts are consumed by flight , by what makes it possible , by how me might build a craft to fly so successfully himself . He is also about numbers , about math , about language ( German mostly , but some Japanese and Vietnamese , too - and French , if you press him ) , and he is about the tuba parts in the polkas he loves . He is about his birds . He wishes our rooster Bald Mountain goodnight in a sweet little voice that still sounds more boy than young man most of the time . He is only just about to embark on his young adult life . I however , am trying every single day to call up the nerve to say goodbye to my younger years with some small amount of dignity . It 's not as easy as I 'd thought it would be , and I 'm not going about it with a lot of class . Of this I am sure . For one , I still color my hair . For another , I still think my son actually enjoys my company … Sometimes he still does , but I can feel the curtain of adolescence descending between us , and it reminds me daily that I really do need to start to figure out how the next part of my life will look . How to embrace this growing older thing . Cuz as of this moment , I am still not down with it . Somehow , I still cannot believe it is happening . After returning from a short but lovely evening of music at Caffe Lena ( we heard Golfstrom , a talented group that plays Jewish popular music , mostly European , from around the early part of the last century , to put it succinctly ) we retired to our rooms . In chasing a tangential thread from a Facebook post , I came upon the Obamas dancing their very first dance as President and First Lady . The first thought I had was : how young Barack looked . OMG . Truly , he looked like a young man . I have always been keenly aware that he was elected to office shortly after I moved here - and that he and I are very close in age . In fact , until just a few weeks ago , Obama had been president for the entire time we 'd lived here in New York . ( I remember well the night the counts came in ; the sound of the cheering crowds in Saratoga - most likely from Skidmore College - was audible from three miles away . Even individual shouts carried across the forest to reach my ears as I stood , so deeply thrilled and full of hope , on my porch here on top of the hill . ) Back then we really did look much younger , Barack and I . Often it throws me for a loop and leaves me in a mild state of panic when I see his head so much grayer , his face etched with such deep lines . As a woman I can play the game a little longer , and dying my hair is one of the main tactics I use . But my face has begun to change , and of course , my neck as well . And try as I might , I can 't ignore it . At every turn a reflection is available to me . At every glimpse my mortality faces me , and leaves me no possible way to pretend that things haven 't changed . Tonight , in surveying the room I was struck by one thing : these were essentially my peers . And man , they look old . Yes , perhaps , most of them may have been older than me by a couple of years , maybe even a generation ahead , but by and large , they were ' my age ' - that is to say ' middle aged ' , and the majority of them were gray - haired . A very few of the women had boycotted their changed appearance by dyeing their hair ; one woman even had a head of brilliantly bright red hair in a blunt , modern cut . Still , I could tell , she was older than me . So what was the answer ? What determines ' real ' age ? Should one not go ahead and present to the world how they felt on the inside ? Just how was one to age gracefully and with class ? Go with it ? Fight it ? Deny it with a head of bright red hair - or celebrate it with a head of bright red hair ? ( My mother - in - law went with fire - engine red hair into her 80s ! ) My dark hair almost made me feel like a poser in that room of silver . Like a complete fraud . My face told the real story though . The ' smile ' lines that ran from the corners of my mouth to my nose now created an honest - to - goodness triangle . They weren 't likely to invoke friendly , truth - softening comments like ' oh it 's not so bad . No one else notices them the way you do ' . No . They were as deep and age - revealing as the facial contours of any other women in that room . I was not a forty - something anymore , for sure . I was whatever the hell it is that comes next , goddammit . Watching images of the elegant First Couple dancing , my mind wandered , and I began to wonder what it might be like if I 'd never left Chicago . Part of me began to happily envision a scene at The Hideout , or the Green Mill perhaps , where certainly I 'd see dozens of people I knew - and who were happily my peers . But then I thought again , and realized that most of my clan had grown up too . They no longer spent their weekend nights at alt country clubs or jazz joints - they , like me , were busy shepherding young children into middle school or high school - some might even be seeing theirs off to college . ( Few children of my peers are married yet . Some are , but more still are not . And that somehow comforts me . But it won 't last long . ) Today 's lively nights of jazz at the Green Mill might themselves prove to have me feeling old and past my prime for similar reasons . My peeps aint there no more . My scene is gone , my day has concluded . That chapter is past . Young folks can party , middle - aged folks are too busy to party , and old folks have the time to party , but the energy ? I 'm not so sure . Just today , as we drove home from school after a special delivery of duck eggs ( Mrs . Duck is really producing now - perhaps in anticipation of Spring … ) Elihu and I both mused on how fast time seemed to be passing these days . I remarked that time didn 't feel so fast when I was a kid . I was surprised that he - a kid himself - also perceived time to be moving faster than ever before . " It 's a provable theory of physics " he told me . He promised that this wasn 't just some new age theory about the speeding up of time - it was a viable , measurable fact . " I 've been thinking about time a lot these days " he mused from the back seat . " I mean , time is just change . So if time didn 't exist , would nothing change ? Or if nothing changed , would time cease to exist ? " We batted this idea about for a while , but by the time we were turning into our snow - drifted driveway I 'd already decided I really didn 't care either way . Because whether fast or slow , some shit in my life was definitely changing , and quite honestly , I wasn 't a fan . When I was in my early forties , I remember being caught and successfully reeled in by a made - for - tv commercial in which actor Victoria Principal extolled the brilliant , natural and effortless products in her new skin care line . As prudent a consumer as I had thought myself to be , even after some lengthy internal debates on the subject , I 'd finally chosen to buy in . But first , I engaged in a little due diligence , calling the customer service rep to get a little more specific information on their products . How old was I ? the woman had asked me . When I told her , I remember hearing her hesitate for a moment . As a woman at the dawn of her fourth decade , she 'd advised me not to purchase a particular set of products , because women didn 't usually start to need " that sort of help " until they were in their late forties or even early fifties . Hmm , I 'd thought . There was a timetable here that people had agreed on ? There were actual landmarks I might look for ? There was a timetable that might help me to anticipate - and emotionally prepare for - certain changes ? Nobody had ever told me this before ! No one had ever gone so far as to break down the aging process into stages . But clearly , some people , somewhere , had agreed on this stuff . ( Granted , this was a pre - internet world with less information available to the armchair consumer ) . It did also occur to me that this particular Guthy - Renker employee might have been a bit too honest for her own job security . ! After my chat with the rep , I ended up buying a few products . I can 't say that a one of them made any noticeable difference in my appearance ( however I grew to love the very subtle scent of the lotions which I have not been able to find again , as they were discontinued several years ago ) but shortly after that experience I did come upon a ' miracle ' cream which promised to firm skin as nothing before . This product , I can report , did exactly what it purported to . But at the age of 42 I had no idea what ' real ' aging skin looked like , and the mild tightening this cream provided was just enough , and under makeup , sometimes it really was like a sprinkling of fairy dust . About five or so years later , I remembered the product and thought how it might really benefit me in my new state of sinking skin , so I tried it again . But this time , rather than gently pulling my face together in a smooth , tighter version of itself , it pulled my skin together like a bouquet of tiny wrinkled lines , all gathered at the point of the cream 's application . My neck skin bunched in horrible lines where none had even been before ; it was a situation made much , much worse . But also , it gave me an idea as to how my neck might look a couple of decades hence . Crap . I 'd always thought this shit was for everyone else . Somehow I knew that I was just too cool for that sort of old lady thing to happen to me . That shit was for clueless losers who somehow didn 't care . Or not . Man . Really ? These are the days when things start to change in earnest . No more ' almost ' , no more ' you look fabulous ' as in you really do look fabulous . Ok , I suppose if you shift your frame of reference from a forty - something mindset to a sixty - something mindset you can say those things and mean it , but if you 're like me , and you 're stuck in your head at 44 , unable to fully comprehend that 44 was now a decade ago , then maybe you 're not ready to accept ' you look good ' means just that , only within the context of a whole new framework . Oh how I wish we didn 't pretend this stuff doesn 't bother us the way it really does . Mech , I suppose there are some enlightened souls out there for whom this process is interesting , new , fun , exciting and a welcome challenge . It 's a challenge all right , and I am eager to learn how I end up meeting it , but I 'd be lying if I said this was a process I was enjoying . Nope . Not so much . Yesterday I woke up with an unusual sensation : Nothing in my body hurt ! I was in a joyful mood all morning because it was the first time in months and months that my pulsing , arthritic fingers and stiff hips weren 't the first things I was aware of upon awakening . I took it as nothing short of a small miracle . Plus it offered enlightenment ; not feeling my body all these years until now had actually been a blessed and wonderful thing ! ! A miracle of sorts unto itself . Ah well , better I suppose to be thankful at this point than never at all . I mean I know what 's happening , and I 'm bitching and moaning about it most of the way , but at the end of the day I have it pretty good , aches and pains aside . Yeah . I do . But still … My young piano students are always talking about how much they can 't wait to be older . They can 't wait to be 8 , to be 10 , to finally be a teenager . I remind them that older people at some point start to wish they were younger . A crazy kind of predicament . " So what is , from your perspective " I 'll ask them , " the most perfect age to be ? " Most have answered from 18 to 23 . Which I think is interesting . Yeah , that was a good chapter . But the truly golden chapter ? Want my answer ? From 25 to 45 . Yup . That would be it . And maybe , if I were to commit to one perfect , golden year , it might be 32 . Good times . ! I remember in my mid to late forties thinking " Hey , this isn 't so bad ! I still look pretty good ! " ( I hadn 't yet put on the extra 20 pounds I live with now , so factor that in too … ) And in truth , I still looked pretty much as I had over the past couple of decades . At least I was recognizable to friends I hadn 't seen in years . And that 's often the main ' test of time ' . We all know the importance of name tags on the gentlemen at our 20th high school reunion . Those poor guys either lose their hair or succumb to the gray . The women , on the other hand , have the culture 's permission to color and highlight their hair , augment its volume or length too ; they are encouraged to whiten their teeth , they wear beautiful dresses and use makeup to augment their fading beauty . Men have so few tools with which to make up for what they 've lost . Men must bear the progress of time in all its daunting honesty . Then may get off easy in so many other ways - but when it comes to aging , most of ' em can 't hide . Allow me to advise those who are behind me in their progress … The magic years are , in my experience , from the mid 20s to the mid 40s . By 48 or 49 one begins to change , but it 's subtle . As with all organic changes of life , it seems to happen slowly , and the one day you notice something that wasn 't there the day before . This sort of thing seems to happen more and more frequently after 50 . Hell , even 50 wasn 't all that bad . But over the following three years shit has just seemed to change in all the wrong ways . All the stories I 'd heard uttered from the lips of my ' older ' friends is now becoming my own personal experience . And this , I think to myself , is likely only the beginning . My chin is strange and saggy , my face looks older for reasons I cannot quite pinpoint , and my so - important fingers are now routinely dropping things and can no longer grip into fists . They throb , they ache , and they do not bend as they did even one month ago . Last night , when I sat at the piano to enjoy the final brisk measures of the Italian Concerto just for fun , I realized that my fingers did not posses the dexterity or strength that they had only before Christmas . My physical abilities had waned in just weeks . Strange , and hard to really understand . And so another chapter closes , and a new one begins . Mr . Obama does not look older because of the many stresses and challenges over the past eight years of his presidency , no . He looks older because he is older . And I look older now because I am too . It is a hard thing to come to terms with . When I was a singer and presented all those great torch songs from the early part of the last century , I 'd often remind my audiences that the topics of love , jealousy and revenge were nothing new or exclusive to this generation . In fact , the only reason we were all here today was because - wait for it - our grandmothers got laid ! Maybe it was a little forward , and maybe it made people squirm a bit in their seats , but whatever . It 's true . Every generation is as hip as it gets . And if we live long enough , we then ourselves become no longer hip . Doesn 't mean we don 't remember what it felt like to have all that power - oh , we do . That 's precisely why it 's so challenging to release the past and so bittersweet to remember it . Please take this to heart , all my young and beautiful friends : there is an end to it all . Savor the moments as they unfold , for one day your sexy and exciting present will be just a memory from long , long ago . You too will pass through the witching window , and find yourself on the other side , a mere mortal with crepey skin , graying hair and a treasure trove of memories . Know it , but don 't linger too long in the thought . Instead , let it inspire you to take some risks , put yourself out there and grab all the life experiences you can , while you still have the strength to hold on tight . It 's my hope that this blog doesn 't end up languishing in the virtual ether . Some weeks it seems there 's hardly time enough to take a shower let alone upload pics and cobble together some content … . I asked Elihu why it was that years ago , when my mother duties were non - stop , when I taught far more students than I do today , when farm chores and household repairs were mine alone - why in the face of all that , was I able to write more frequent posts , and to be more reflective about them too ? These days it seems a month goes by and I find myself all of a sudden in a cold panic that I 've let so much time pass ; by one week 's time so much has happened I don 't know where to start , by three weeks ' time it seems as if a whole year has passed and the temptation exists to just forget the whole silly thing altogether . I recently heard Fran Lebowitz say that just because everyone could write a book doesn 't mean everyone should write a book . I felt guilty when I heard this . Man . Was I one of those lame - ass , self - aggrandizing folks who thought their story was so compelling and insightful that I just knew everyone would want to read it if given the chance ? A Facebook post of a high school friend recently asked friends for advice regarding the fate of her angst - ridden journals from years ago … Most advocated a toss into the fire , as Ms . Lebowitz would likely have endorsed . Me , I told her not to toss them , but to read them from her current perspective . To read them with compassion and curiosity . But that 's just me . I want to hear everyone 's story . ( Maybe that 's why deep down I think that everyone secretly wants to read mine … ) Ms . Lebowitz also chides those who would write for the sake of writing alone . She posits that one needs ' something to say ' in order to write . That a person who would write must have a thorough knowledge on her subject . Those things , I might argue with some degree of confidence , I do have . Ms . Lebowitz also stresses the quality of writing , as well as its uniqueness . Hm . Do I possess a unique voice ? A distinct style ? Do I write prose of certain quality ? Not so much , I 'm thinking . There are times when I read my old writing and I think " Man , how naive this person is . This writing is so generic ! And man , how self - involved ( and likely young ) this person is ! " And I 'll say this not even realizing it 's my own writing . Proof positive that I don 't have a handle on any of that shit . Alternately , I might read some of my past material ( again , not realizing at first that it 's me doing the talking ) and think , " Damn , that 's exactly it ! This person has nailed it … Why doesn 't anyone else make these observations ? " But then again , it 's content alone that I 'm responding to . Not style . Cuz really , I 'm not sure that I actually have one . The only telltale sign that it 's me might be the reflective use of " but still " … Indeed I digress , as I don 't intend to delve into literary criticism here but rather get to the action that 's been going on in our lives since the last post . Proof that this blogging effort is really about content , content , content ! Quality be damned . Let 's get caught up , shall we ? Between The Studio , The Hillhouse , the aviation endeavors , the performances and the critters , there 's been enough to keep us super swinging busy . As Elihu comforted me the other day , after I 'd asked him one too many times why it was so hard to get things done these days , " The Studio is a real thing now . Things are the way they are supposed to be . You 're busy with real things now . " Real indeed . An electric bill that exceeds my take by four times , a property that needs constant plowing and attention , insurance bills that don 't stop , and a roster of piano students that has dwindled to the lowest number since I moved here eight and a half years ago . Some things promise growth , but many others are still in flux - and the next era , while showing some signs of being just around the next corner , is not quite upon us . Not quite . But still … It 's getting closer … Now it 's time for Jesus Christ Superstar . Last time I played this challenging score it was with a band . And , I was 9 months pregnant with lil man . It came back fairly easily , but still , playing this book for an hour and a half straight ( sans band ) had me a little wiped afterward . Plus I had to keep a couple bags of frozen peas around to ice down my aching and arthritic fingers during rehearsals . Sadly , our friend - the light / soundman - fell from a ladder and needed attention ASAP . As of this writing he 's doing well - which is nothing short of a friggin miracle . We all loved our time with Chuck . He 's what you 'd call a Really Good Human Being . Hard to imagine , but he returned the next two days to see us through our shows . After the last show we went to Compton 's , the local diner on Broadway . These kids are all so comfortable with each other , so kind and generous . I 'm so thrilled for their incredible performances . Look ! I got in the paper twice on the same page ! For Express Yourself and our most rockin performance of Jesus Christ Superstar by the Waldorf School Seniors ! ( At the equally rockin venue Universal Preservation Hall . ) End of an era . Saratoga Guitar closes its West Ave shop . For every chapter there has always been a certain guitar store that acted as a hub for my life . This location was that central hub for my life here in New York . Saratoga Guitar has now moved to Weibel Avenue . As I like to say : ' Weibel is the new West ' . Ah , but there are more changes afoot too . The house in the field is built and ready . There is still no light , but any day now that will change . And that will be the most profound and saddest change yet in a very long time . Then I saw the tiny fingerlings of seedpods , so small , so close - up . From this contrast I gleaned the idea : Incremental becomes monumental . ( Let this notion inspire me as I contemplate yet another diet in my life . ! ) May many more pennies find their way to us in the future ! ! Financially things are still pretty rough these days , but with the help of friends and family , we 've made it this far , and to all of you who 've helped us to stay afloat , we thank you with our love and deep gratitude . Honestly , I do think the hardest days are past . It really does feel like we 're about to turn a huge corner on our way to the future . But still , there are a few challenging hurdles ahead . The photos we post here don 't always tell the whole story . Even so , they do reflect the lovely variety of happy events that we 've been lucky enough to experience over the past few weeks . Both Elihu and I feel very fortunate to be living this varied and interesting life , right here and right now . And we hope that all of you reading , all of you , the friends we have yet to meet , will also come to meet your own bright futures very soon . Thanks for joining us on our continuing adventure , and we 'll see you around the next corner . Filed under : An Ongoing Journal . . . - wingmother @ 1 : 38 pm As I pounded the dripping kitchen sink faucet off with a hammer for the umpteenth time tonight , it occurred to me . One day this is precisely the sort of thing we will be nostalgic for . The same faucet - the one that has me cursing and sighing and wringing my hands over all the many other things it reminds me of which I cannot afford to have fixed properly either - this faucet and so many other loose ends all about our household ( that alternately stress and amuse us ) are very likely the things we 'll look back upon with tenderness after they have long been fixed and the problems forgotten . These are the times will make us smile someday : This time , right now . When the rooster lives in the house with us at night and wakes us at 6 : 15 on the nose every morning , the days when tuba lessons are still such a novel joy , the days of expansive Sunday afternoons flying RC aircraft with friends who are just as crazy for aviation as we , the days when saying goodnight to the chickens can still take a half an hour easy , the days when mom still plays music at school and is still part of her son 's life and he is thankfully still happy for it , the days when the great field outside our window is still dark at night . The days when grandma is just next door , and we can pop in anytime she 's home . The time when things still feel just about as innocent as they did when my son was still very small . You see , we 're not too far away from them to at least remember how it feels . How if feels to have a home , a life , and a few simple hobbies , some animals and a few instruments to play . We know the importance of all this stuff . It 's our bottom line , really . These are those days still ; the days when our house needs a long list of repairs far beyond our budget , the days when life is cluttered , busy , full of hiccups , false starts and sometimes even sudden unexpected runs of good luck . The days when we 're poor , but the magic always follows us and makes up for the rest . These were the days .

This blog is about our 5 year old little boy Seth and his battle with Severe Combined Immune Deficiency ( SCID ) . At the point of beginning this blog he is being considered for a second bone marrow transplant in order to save his life . My aim is to provide a real account of his history and progress through diary entries , pictures and videos showing that the boy makes the most of his bubble ! . I , his mother , will be the main contributor to this page , but its not about me . Comment , ask questions , do whatever you please this is not my page but ours . I hope that this provides others with information on tackling a condition that 30 years ago would have lead to death . As well as giving family and friends a place to keep up to date with the news of his journey . # wearyellowforseth History : Part 3 - To transplant and getting home ! ! ! March 22 , 2015March 22 , 2015 It 's been a little while since I last posted about Seth 's history and the things that have happened up until his readmission to hospital at the beginning of February . You can read the first part here and the second part here . So much happened during this time it is difficult to remember , but the basic over view is here - i hope ! We left off with Seth being deemed well enough to be moved from Leicester Royal Infirmary to Great Ormond Street Hospital in London . This is approximately a 3 hour drive . Because he was still on oxygen and still really quite a poorly lad we had to blue light there with two nurses in the back just incase Seth had any problems . Arriving at Great Ormond Street I was overwhelmed . This was the children 's hospital that we have all heard about ( in England at least ! ) . They fix the sickest of children . So they had a reputation to live up to . This was my first time seeing Great Ormond Street and my first time being involved with tertiary care ( tertiary care means that they largely provide third - level specialist care . Primary care generally consists of frontline services such as GPs and dentists , while secondary care is offered by local hospitals . Therefore they address more specialist issues ) . We were on Robin ward , a ward for infectious diseases and immune deficiency . You may be thinking woah woah woah - immune compromised kiddies on the SAME ward as children with infectious disease ? ! ? ! Yes its true . But the ward is a corridor with a bunch of rooms , all with filtered air that takes out any bacteria . Prior to a patient going into a room the room is deep cleaned . The nursing staff follow strict guidelines to prevent infection between patients . So actually it makes sense that both are on such as ward as they both need isolation . Also children like Seth often carry infectious disease because of the nature of their illness . Seth arrived at Great Ormond Street Hospital at the beginning of October 2010 . Within a few days of arrival we had met Seth 's allocated Immunology Specialist Nurse , she would be his main contact throughout transplant organising his care alongside his consultant , Dr Wasim Qasim . The first thing was to discuss donor options . They were approaching the bone marrow and stem cell registers world - wide to identify any potential matches . Within 11 days we were told there were 4 matches , each being a 100 % match to Seth . The doctors decided to go with a cord transplant from a cord donated in Germany in 2006 . The reason they chose this was because Seth was carrying virus ' in his stomach and chest and research had indicated that a cord transplant was more likely to be able to address these issues quicker than a donation from an adult marrow . In addition to this we were told that because of the damage caused to Seth 's chest , and because he was carrying these virus ' chemotherapy would put his life at risk . Normally you have chemotherapy to prepare for a bone marrow transplant . The chemo empties the bone marrow of all cells and the new bone marrow goes in without there being any cells to fight . Seth 's condition ( x linked Severe Combined Immuno Difficiancy ) means that he does not have any T cells ( T cells are white blood cells , but the most important white blood cell as none of the other cells work without them ) . So as he has no working immune system and is missing " the management " he is in the best position to have a successful transplant without conditioning ( chemotherapy ) . However , the risk would be Graft Versus Host Disease which can cause significant complications and in some cases be unmanageable causing death . In an ideal situation we would go for the conditioning and get rid of anything that Seth may have had in his bone marrow . But , unfortunately , we had no choice . He wouldn 't survive chemo and gene therapy at the time was new and thought to be causing leukaemia in some patients . So we agreed and plans were made . Whilst this was happening Seth 's chest was getting stronger and he was becoming himself again . Because of the virus ' in his stomach he was nil by mouth and being given TPN ( Total Parenteral Nutrition ) . So he was getting all the nutrients he needed , but was still hungry . He would go crazy when the nurses brought in his oral medicines and suck them out of the syringe despite them not tasting very well . He would also suck the water of the sponges we used to keep his mouth clean . It was hard to watch your baby being so hungry and you not being able to explain why he could not have food . However , as usual , Seth dealt with it and got on with thing most of the time ( way better than i would have done - i get ANGRY when i have missed one meal never mind several ! ! ) . Seth received his transplant on 5th November 2010 . When you get to transplant your child goes into script isolation , where gowns have to be worn at all times , clothing and bedding boil washed daily , very strict hand washing , no drinking or eating in the room , everything Seth touched had to be sterile and only 3 named carers allowed in his room until he has neutrophils . Our named people were me , Seth 's dad and my mum . In the few weeks before the transplant we asked friends and family to wear yellow ( like we have this time , however , it did not get so big last time ! ! ! ) . This was really good for us as parents isolated from the people we know . It 's a way of making you feel like everyone is closer . I mentioned in my previous post ( an aside ) where the idea came from but i will re post here in case you did not see it . An old friend of mine was also battling leukemia . She was a big supporter of Seth and spoke to me about the significance of the colour yellow in relation to immunity . Apparently is signifies a strong immune system . The cord had arrived frozen and was defrosted in the lab before being brought up . Seth had three bags of cells ! The process is less exciting than you expect it to be . It happens very similar to how a blood transfusion happens . However , Seth was on so many medications he was attached to his line pretty much 24 hours a day . The actual transplant days ( he had one bag of cells a day for 3 days ) we uneventful . Although it came with an overwhelming smell of canned sweetcorn ! The substance used to freeze the cord blood after harvest smells of sweetcorn ! So as it is given to Seth he starts to smell of sweetcorn ! I swear I loved sweetcorn until that ! It was overpowering at times ! ! ! ! ! Seth didn 't seem to mind though . 4 days after the transplant Seth grew his first 2 teeth ! All of a sudden out of no where ! It was quite a surprise ! On the 5th day i noticed Seth flash red , his skin went a patchy red for a few seconds and then back to normal . I called the doctor as they had stated that this was a sign of Graft Versus Host Disease , but they said it would be longer before there would be any signs of it . Following transplant it was all a bit of a blur . The days were very much the same routine . Normally volunteers and play specialists spend time with the child playing with them helping them develop , and giving them another face for an hour . Because Seth had virus ' he was not allowed such visits . So Seth and I spent all day everyday together , which wasn 't too bad actually and i was able to get out of the room when he fell asleep for a nap or in the evening . There was an intercom system that the nurses could switch on when i left so they could hear if Seth woke up . Nik , Seth 's dad had to work so during the week he would stay at home and at the weekend he would come to visit us . He would spend the nights with Seth and I would take a break and stay on the mother 's unit ( accommodation for mothers provided by GOSH ) . Because i had been unable to leave the room all week I would often spend time during the days walking round London ( I can now navigate our great capital pretty well on foot ! ) . This meant that Nik and I did not spend much time together . It mattered , but at the same time it didn 't , because this point in our lives wasn 't about us . It was something we had to get through . I think because we both accepted that we got through it . After 10 days I went out as i did everyday to check Seth 's blood results and … . FANTASTIC … he had neutrophils . They were still very low , but had started to come up - this means that the transplant had worked … to some extent at least . Also as time went by it became apparent that Seth did have Graft Versus Host Disease in his skin . So , although he was already on IV steroids ( prednisolone ) this dose was increased . In addition it was time for him to start eating again . As he had been nil by mouth for 4 months his stomach was extremely sensitive . He didn 't tolerate the smallest amounts of milk for the most sensitive stomach and refused to drink milk himself . So we had to feed him slowly through a pump and a NG tube ( a tube from his stomach coming out of his nose ) . He tolerated very slow levels ( 5ml of milk per hour ) and even his medicines if given too quickly would cause him to vomit . Eventually he was off TPN , tolerating enough milk and was being managed on oral medication . This means the plan was home . Hurray ! After 5 months and 17 days ( 170 days ) we were going home ! ! ! ! YES ! ! ! Although … . this is Seth … . nothing runs smooth ! ! 5 days before we were due to go home i looked up and he was sat in his cot shaking , so much I thought it was the start of a fit . I pressed the buzzer and the nurse came in . He was spiking a temperature . His body was shaking to get itself hot . Phew , not a fit . But , a temperature , damn it so close to going home . The doctor was sure it was an infection in his Hickman line ( the line that gives them access to a large vein in his neck so he can have large volumes of medicine ) so they removed it and he had no more temperatures … we got to go home ! ! ! Going home wasn 't straight forward . Nik had to deep clean the house to make it as clean as possible for him . As although he was going home he still needed to live in isolation for a while . So no visitors , especially no contact with children , no going out to crowded places and when out where there may be people to be in his pram with the rain cover over him . The next step of his journey had begun though and we were home . With the boy who doctors weren 't sure he would make it out of intensive care . The next few months were all about weekly visits to GOSH ( 3 hour drive from home ) for check ups and monitoring , and learning to live as a family again . Nearly 6 months apart is a long time . In mid April I had to return to work as my maternity leave ended , so we had to think about what on earth we were going to with Seth . I had to work as we needed the money , and if i did not return I would have to repay my maternity pay . We were very lucky that a close friend was able to look after Seth when I had to go into the office . This made a huge difference to us as a family . 14 months later in June 2012 he was allowed to go to a local child - minder who had only a few children . This did Seth the world of good . Up until then he had only had contact with one child and as such he did not know how to interact with children . He had been raised around adults and nurses and so children made him anxious . They are more unpredictable than adults ! An adult doesn 't take a toy off you , or push you over so this was a whole new experience to Seth . He did not know how to communicate with children and so he took to being passive . If a child took a toy from him he would let them and there would be no response from him . As a parent it was difficult to see him being completely indifferent to situations like this . He did not get angry , or upset . He just sat there . In addition to his lack of peer - to - peer social skills Seth 's development was delayed . At the age of one he was not yet crawling . At 18 months he had begun to crawl , but on all fours ( like MowglI from the Jungle Book ! ) , and did not start walking properly until he was 3 years old . He had support in trying to walk . The main reason for his struggle was that the steroids were preventing his muscles from growing properly and his ligaments were too loose making him hyper flexible . Although he now walks confidently he still cannot run or jump , and just prior to returning to hospital continued to lack confidence outside because of his lack of stability . The graft versus host disease continued to get stronger causing extremely dry and flaky skin , inflammation and redness to the extent that his skin begin to crack and he would have sores , his lips at times were just scabs . It was not until his skin healed recently that we realised how much this affected his smile . He now has a great big smile that was not there before . Since transplant and until January 2014 we tried to manage this with steroids , for this time he has been on a very high does of prednisolone ( 2mg per kilo at times ) which has caused its own problems . Steroids are a necessary evil i have learned . As a result of the prolonged steroid use Seth has osteoporosis . He is very small ( the size of a small 2 - year - old ) , and has poor muscle development . The steroids reduce the effectiveness of the immune system , therefore preventing it from attacking Seth and reducing the GVHD . However , this also makes him more prone to picking up infections . Despite this reduction of his immune system he managed quite well , although we did have hospital visits regularly ( if Seth has a temperature of 37 . 8 or above he has to go into hospital for antibiotics and blood cultures ) . These hospital visits also seemed to coincide with weddings ! In 2013 we had 4 weddings to visit and we only made it to one as a family , luckily that one was ours ! ! Although Seth 's health has never been perfect , we have managed it along with getting him to experience things . He had missed out on so much we want him to experience what he can . He has travelled to Europe - because he cannot fly due to the extensive damaged caused to his lungs when he was in intensive care . However , we were failing to control the GVHD and there were growing concerns about him being on steroids at a high dose for so long . They were now becoming the problem . Luckily , the Great North Children 's Hospital had begun a trial using ECP ( extracorporeal photopheresis or light therapy ) . To have the treatment you are connected to a machine by a central line . Your blood then goes through the machine , which separates off some of your white blood cells . You then have your blood , minus the white blood cells , given back into your vein . The separated white blood cells are treated with a special drug and then exposed to ultraviolet light . This light activates the drug so that it is able to destroy the abnormal white blood cells . After this process your nurse gives back the treated white blood cells into your vein . Seth had this treatment at the Great North Children 's Hospital once a fortnight for 3 months , then once a month . Although at the time Seth 's management was at Great Ormond Street Hospital . The Great North Children 's Hospital was the only place in the country able to offer this treatment to someone Seth 's size . So once a fortnight we would travel up to Newcastle Upon Tyne ( 4 hour drive ) and stay over night to have the treatment over two days . Seth 's skin did improve a lot , it meant that we were able to reduce his steroid from 20mg per day to 7 . 5 and 5mg alternate days . This was looking BRILLIANT ! Finally there might be an end in sight ……… . . however , in September 2014 Seth and the rest of us attended a friend 's wedding . Seth was doing amazing . For the first time ever he was confident in public like a normal boy . He got up with the band playing a toy guitar . It was amazing to see . However , at about 4am he woke up and came into our room complaining his leg was sore , we thought he had slept on it funny so allowed him to get in our bed and went back to sleep . At 7am he woke complaining it was painful again . Seth doesn 't complain . He broke his arm in 2013 ( as a result of the osteoporosis ) and we only knew because it was swollen and he wasn 't using it . So we knew something was wrong . I don 't know why but i suggested deep vein thrombosis to the doctors who thought he had broken his leg . I just couldn 't see how he 'd broken his bone , he had not fallen , or twisted it or anything . He had been fine . Seth was getting more and more pain in his leg which swelled to an unbelievable size . A wee man who doesn 't complain was screaming in agony when he was lifted to go to the toilet . So much so that he stopped going . Refusing to wee because it was just too painful . Eventually a ultrasound was completed and a large clot was found in his left thigh . It was a DVT . This meant that they could start him immediately on blood thinners and his leg should go down within a few days . However , when doing the CT scan and moving his leg it seemed that some of the blood clot had moved which caused Seth to have a turn . He started shaking , his temperature shot right up and he went unconscious . I felt sick , immediately i thought we were going back to intensive care . I genuinely thought that was it for him . Luckily , it wasn 't he was stabilised and then transferred from our local hospital up to Newcastle to the Great North Children 's Hospital . For the first time ever Nik , Seth 's dad was the one going instead of me . I was 33 weeks pregnant and so not allowed to travel in the emergency ambulance with him . I have never had to watch him speed away before . I am always the one holding his hand . It was a horrible feeling not to be there for him . That time we stayed in Newcastle for 3 weeks before returning home , luckily I stayed pregnant and had Hugo as planned in the hospital near our home . Hugo 's cord was collected at birth and frozen incase Seth would ever need another transplant . Hugo was also tested for SCID . The likelihood was that he would not have it because I am not a carrier , and he doesn 't . In addition since August 2014 Seth has been unable to maintain his HB ( red blood cell ) level , so he has been having 2 to 3 blood transfusions per week , in December he also stopped maintaining his platelets ( the things that make our blood clot ) so he has been having transfusions of these ever two to three days . Initially it was thought that this was related to Haemolytic Anaemia ( an auto immune disease were that attacks blood cells ) … . however , we now know that it wasn 't this but that the Graft Versus Host Disease had begun to attack his bone marrow … . leading to where we are today . March 29 , 2015 at 4 : 42 am Reply Hi Seth , I am so sorry I was not able to partake in yesterdays " Wear Yellow For Seth " . I actually did not hear about it until late in the day when I came across your video on Snapchat . I was at work at the time so I had to wait until today to read about your journey . While reading these blog entries they brought me to tears many times because it hit very close to home . Last year my mother was diagnosed with AML ( Acute Myeloid Leukemia ) so I know a little of what its like going day to day waiting for blood results and putting all of ones hopes into a transplant . Unfortunately , my mothers cancer progressed and she became ineligible to receive a transplant . She passed away several months later . She was a fighter just like you . Every day had the most beautiful smile just like the one I see you have in your pictures . You are a handsome and awesome young man . Keep strong not just for yourself but for your family as well . People are rooting for you all around the world . Although we are currently going through some trial some times right now , I hope that this family finds the strength and courage they need to go through this . I 'm sure that 31 years ago my mother and father in - law felt the same helplessness as this family does now , and as we all feel when things such as this happen to those we love . Each day comes with its own struggles , no matter how big or how small . We must push on , though ! March 29 , 2015 at 6 : 11 am Reply wow what a tough 5 years you have had , I have just finished reading your blog and it is all so familiar my son luka also has x linked scid he was 10 months old when he was diagnosed which was picked up by mistake like you I took him back and forth to drs and emergency to be sent home and told he was fine and that I was just being a paroniod first time mother thankfully I kept taking him back as they said if he was left a day or 2 longer we would have lost him . Seths journey sounds very much like Luka 's with chest drains and ventilator . Sounds like we were both blessed with very special boys who bet the odds and I have no doubt in my mind Seth will beat this for good . I sent you some photos via private message on Facebook hopefully you get them . Wishing you guys all the best you are doing a awesome job ! love the bubble boy family in New Zealand March 29 , 2015 at 3 : 23 pm Reply Thank you for sharing it seems that I am hearing a similar story over and over again with late diagnosis . I hope your son is doing well . LikeLike March 29 , 2015 at 3 : 22 pm Reply Thanks for sharing . Sorry for your loss . Your message is very kind . Thank you . Please don 't worry about helping us financially . This was not about raising money . Seths treatment is all covered by the national health service . Thank you LikeLike March 29 , 2015 at 2 : 29 pm Reply I am following Seth 's story for a few reasons . One I was touched by his video I cried when I saw it , Two yes I wore yellow on Friday as did my son for Seth . Now that the hype is over and everyone goes back to a normal week , I still care about what lays ahead for this little boy . So I will be looking at your blog in the upcoming weeks just to see how he is . God bless you Seth and your family I may not still be wearing yellow but you and your family are still in my prayers . March 29 , 2015 at 2 : 31 pm Reply That 's lovely to here Michelle . I have an update that I need to write but it 's been hectic ! ! I 'm hoping to get it done tonight ! LikeLike March 29 , 2015 at 4 : 26 pm Reply You , your family , and Seth are so brave and strong . You must hear this all the time , and I imagine that when you hear it , you probably don 't feel like you are strong . And I am sure there are times your are very afraid for Seth . But what makes you brave and strong is that you keep going , getting up in the morning , doing what you have to do for Seth and your family . You found a strength that not everyone can find , and for that , Seth and your family are blessed . Although your focus is on Seth , I have heard from many wise people that part of helping children be healthy and strong is helping their moms and dads be healthy and strong , so they can keep giving . You have done a wonderful job ! March 29 , 2015 at 7 : 56 pm Reply Seth is such an inspiration to me and my family . Even in his hardest times , he still has that smile on his face and I love that about him ! He is the cutest 5 year old I 've ever seen and he is handling this very well ! I participated in the # wearyellowforseth . Every time I refreshed my instagram feed , a few thousand more would be added to the feed . Seth has a lot of support and everyone wants him to feel better ! I honestly pray for you and your family everyday and I am 100 % certain that he is going to get better ! I really want to help you guys financially , but that can only happen if you guys are ok with it . If everyone that supports Seth donates exactly $ 1 , his whole treatment can be paid for with no debt ! $ 1 from everyone can make a HUGE difference ! Wishing your family the best ! March 29 , 2015 at 8 : 13 pm Reply Hello Pran . Thank you for your kind message . However , Seth is in England and his treatment is paid for by the National Health Service . We are not doing this to ask for money or raise funds . Just to show Seth and keep him happy and strong . Thank you March 30 , 2015 at 12 : 58 am Reply SETH BEEN THROUGH ALOT ! ! SETH IS A VERY STRONG BOY ! ! N HIS MOMMY ALWAYS AND WILL BE WITH HIM ! ! IM SO HAPPY FOR SETH THAT HE IS FIGHTING TO BE FINE ! ! GOOD WORK SETH U CAN LIVE FOR EVER 😌👶😌👏💪 April 1 , 2015 at 7 : 07 pm Reply Hi Stephanie thanks to you and your colleagues . It is entirely up to you all what you do with the money we are not raising funds for anything for Seth . His treatment is paid for by the national health . If you 'd like to donate to Seth himself then you can do so at http : / / www . gofundme . com / supportseth . Or if you would like to donate to the charity that supports Seth and other children like him then you can do so at http : / / www . bubblefoundation . com . Thank you . LikeLike April 2 , 2015 at 2 : 16 pm Reply We are all rooting for you from NY Seth ! I really hope the transplant went well . Much love and light to all of you ! You are an inspiration to many . September 10 , 2015 at 12 : 20 pm Reply Young Man you have all the requirements to become A Royal Marines Commando . Keep fighting and never say never . You are strong and powerful , I send you my best wishes and hope you continue to grow strong and get well . I will continue to look in on your blog and send you my best wishes . You now have so much to look forward to , look after you 're mum & dad and your little brother Hugo !

1 . On Tuesday afternoon , I made the 45 minute drive , two counties over , to the Orange County Animal Shelter to fill out the paperwork and officially adopt Winnie . Winnie is home , as I hoped she would be . This little Chihuahua has already made a huge impact on our household . She is happy , and scampery , and oh - so loving . Her ability to adapt and trust seems infinite , as she learns that we are now her family and she takes her place here . She is learning how to get around in this big old house , and she has no problem hopping onto one of the big dog beds by the radiator in my husband 's office to take a nap . Her favorite place , though , is wherever I happen to be . 2 . Winnie had an appointment with our regular vet on Wednesday , for a check - up and to follow up on the various things that she was being treated for when I got her last week . Her spay incision looks good and her mouth has healed well from having her teeth pulled three weeks ago . The infection in her right eye is completely healed since she finished her course of antibiotic drops , though the resulting scarring has compromised her sight in that eye . Considering how dire her neglected condition appeared to be when she was found in December and taken to the shelter , she is in extremely good health for a gal her age . My vet knows me very well . She said that she did a TRIPLE take when she saw our appointment on the schedule . . . it said , Chihuahua Hilker . ( Connie has a CHIHAHUA ? ? ? ) Once she was told that Winnie is a rescue dog , she understood perfectly . Like I said , she knows me well . 3 . After we finished at the vet 's , Winnie and I made a stop at PetsMart to get her a collar and leash . Winnie was wearing a collar and I was given a leash when I picked her up last week , but I returned them to the Shelter when I was there on Tuesday . They can save them for another tiny dog in the future . . . I wanted Winnie to have her own collar and leash , chosen especially for her . I was surprised to see that all of the extra - small sized dog collars in PetsMart were either too long ( requiring them to be adjusted almost to their smallest point ) or too stiff to be comfortable . So , Winnie and I checked out the cat department of the store . Discovered that cat collars are also too big for her . . . KITTEN collars , however , were a perfect fit . . . but the kitten collars don 't have a ring on them to attach the leash . I bought one anyway , to use as a tag collar . 4 . With Winnie 's new collar in hand , I have already ordered her ID tag online from Boomerang Tags . I have used these tags on all of our dogs , and I love them ! They fit flat on the collar , so there 's nothing hanging down to get snagged or jingle around . Ruby 's 1 - inch - size tag is large enough for her name , complete address , and two phone numbers . Winnie 's tag , as you would expect , will be significantly smaller ( 3 / 8 inch size ) and can only hold four lines of info , 14 characters per line . The chances of losing her are slim and none , but I fully believe in being safe rather than sorry when it comes to keeping ID on my animals . 4 . I went to Richmond yesterday , and one of my stops was at Trader Joe 's to stock up on supplies because we are having friends over on Sunday ( football related , of course . ) Petco is next door to TJ 's . . . I went in to see if they carried dog collars that are little enough to use on Winnie . They had a small selection in the tiny size , and I chose a plain pink nylon collar with a snap buckle . . . perfect , or so I thought . Brought it home , tried it on Winnie for size , and it was too small . There 's a Petco right across the street from my dentist 's office ( where I will be later today ) , and I plan to exchange the pink collar for a larger size . . . as long as the next size isn 't TOO large . 5 . It feels wonderful to say that Winnie is now officially our dog . I loved her at first sight , as did my husband when he got home from his trip on Saturday . I still can 't believe that I brought her home without telling him first . Fortunately , he concurred with me that she needed to be part of a family . . . and he agrees that her home is here with us . Ruby accepted her very quickly . . . the cats are making progress and I hope that things will work themselves out within another week or so . Welcome to the family , Winnie ! It 's only been ten days , and I already can 't imagine this place without you . I figure that there may be other folks who find themselves in same the situation that I faced last week when Winnie came here . She needed something to wear to keep her warm , the roads were too icy for me to go out to get anything , and it takes time that I didn 't have to knit or crochet a coat for her myself . After thinking on it for a minute , I realized that she is about the same circumference as a sock . . . and I certainly should have an orphan sock in the laundry room that could do the trick . I used to wear these socks a lot . They were always a bit baggie on me , though they were warm and comfortable inside boots , and good for wearing around the house . This sock has been in the orphan sock pile for a LONG time . . . so I didn 't feel too bad about sacrificing it for the benefit of a tiny , cold little dog . The leg holes needed something to keep them from unraveling . . . I decided that crochet may be perfect . With some cream - colored yarn from my stash and a small crochet hook , I loosely worked one row of single crochet around the slits to form finished arm holes . ( For those of you who don 't crochet , overcasting the edge with blanket stitch would work just as well . ) In a day or two , Winnie will have a new sweater . . . I 'm knitting one for her . I looked all over Pinterest for a pattern , and I only found one that was free and was practical for a dog this small . I 'm still having to modify it a bit . I will show it to you when I 'm finished . Get out of bed right about the time the sky starts to lighten at sunrise . Right now , this is some time between 6 and 7am . Take the dogs outside to do their ' business ' . Push the button on the Keurig on my way out the door , so my coffee will be waiting for me in the cup when I come inside . Winnie has been here for five days , and today was the first morning that the routine was even close to normal . Until now , Maggie was the only cat who came into the kitchen for her food . Alice hovered outside the kitchen in the dining room , and Dorothy was nowhere to be found . This morning , everyone was in their usual places . . . though Dorothy did keep a close eye on Winnie while she was eating . After trying names on this little dog for two whole days , I am fairly certain that we have settled on Winnie . . . Winnie Pearl . She just looks like a Winnie and it seems to fit her perfectly . ( Thank you for all of your suggestions of names for her in response to my last post . ) We were doing this yesterday morning in the dining room , and Dorothy came by . She walked past us and into the kitchen , checked things out in there for a minute or two , and she walked back out . . . keeping an eye on Winnie the whole time . Dorothy 's behavior and acceptance of Winnie will be what finally determines whether we can keep her or not . As of now , I am very pleased with how well it 's going . Dorothy would come by occasionally to keep an eye on the situation . Notice that she looks concerned , but it 's no longer a look of panic . It 's a huge step for her . Last night , as I sat on the sofa , watching ' American Idol ' and ' Rehab Addict ' , things took another step toward returning to normal . Alice walked into the room , hopped up and settled into her usual spot between my left leg and the arm of the sofa , and went to sleep . ( YAY ! ! ! ! ) Then it got even better . . . when I got up to go to the basement to switch my load of laundry , Alice stayed where she was . There they were , two dogs and a very brave cat , all sharing the sofa at the same time . Winnie is settling in very quickly and finding her place in our daily routine . I never in a million years thought that I would EVER have a dog like this . It goes to show that the little voice in my gut knows more than I do . I was recently asked by a friend if I was going to get another dog , and I told her that I wasn 't actively looking for one . . . but that I would know when the right time and the right dog came along . Unless circumstances change pretty drastically , that time is now and Ms . Winnie is in her forever home . Instead of making you wait as I go through the whole story . . . I will get straight to the point and tell you that we have a not - quite - four - pound geriatric chihuahua living here as of Tuesday . Technically , she 's a foster . I 'm working under the assumption that it will end up as a more permanent situation , though . The shelter named her Olive . She was abandoned during the week of Christmas , and she was taken to the shelter by kind people . The shelter volunteers saw that there is a whole lot of life left in her tiny , elderly self . They sent her to the veterinarian , where she was evaluated . . . her health is good for a little girl her age . ( she may be as old as 16 . ) She had a dental ( which required extraction of all but one of her few remaining teeth ) and she was spayed and vaccinated and put on antibiotic drops for an eye infection . I saw her picture on Facebook yesterday morning . A friend of mine shared her photo . . . and there was something about that little face that got to me . ( The dog was being fostered at my friend 's vet 's office ) . I kept myself busy with piddly things yesterday , all the while I was trying to keep my mind off of the little chihuahua . The more I tried not to think about it , the more it ate at me . At 2 : 00 , I called the vet to ask about ' Olive ' . They told me that she is a spunky , sweet little girl who really needed a warm home and someone to love her . I told them that I would like to meet her to see if she could be part of our family . I should mention at this point that it had been snowing since about 11am . Fortunately , the snow was beginning to let up when I loaded our current dog Ruby into my Jeep and headed out . The roads were in good condition and our half - hour trip was uneventful . I was unprepared for how incredibly tiny this dog is . Even with no teeth , a monumental overbite , and cataracts , there was something so appealing about her . The little voice in my gut was deafening , " Take her home with you . " Even though this was a spur - of - the - moment decision , we had a few supplies that we could pull together for her . The pink fleece bed was bought years ago for the cats , and they haven 't wanted anything to do with it . My largest cat carrier is serving as a crate for her . The ladies at the vet gave me a can of the food that they had been feeding her , and I stopped at the store on the way home to buy some more . As an example of how tiny she is , that 's a placemat that she 's standing on while having her breakfast this morning . As I said in the beginning , she is officially my foster dog . I had no idea how the cats would react to having this tiny little critter in their house , and their behavior will be what determines if she stays . I am pleased to say , the cats have reacted pretty much exactly as I thought they would . I have a confession to make . . . my husband did not know anything about this until the deal was done and the dog was settled in . He is away on business , and the time difference and his schedule of meetings just didn 't leave an opportunity for me to call him to ask . I talked to him last night ( dinnertime where he is ) and I told him that we are fostering an elderly Chihuahua . He told me that he can 't wait to meet her . . . exactly as I thought he would ! She came with the little purple tank top to help keep her warm , but that wasn 't going to be adequate against the cold and wind that we are experiencing right now . This morning , I had a bright idea . . . I made her a sweater out of an orphan boot sock . As you can see , it fits her perfectly ! With her new sweater and her blue blanket , this little sweetheart is staying warm and toasty . This tiny dog . . . this sweet , sweet little girl . . . needs to have a name other than ' Olive ' . ( friends of ours recently adopted a dog and her name is Olive ) . I have been calling her Little Doggie , but that can 't go on for much longer . So far , I 've tried Olivia , Daisy , Violet , and others . These are still in the running , but none of them feel right . I think I 'm looking for a little - old - lady - type name for her . I am thrilled to share this little Chihuahua - formerly - known - as - Olive with you ! Hopefully , we will soon know if the cats will tolerate her and if she can stay . Until then , she is warm and safe and loved . Update , 1 / 23 / 14 : I think we have settled on Winnie Pearl as this little girl 's name ( all of our animals have middle names ) . She just seems like a Winnie to me . The cats are still a bit freaked out , but getting to be less and less freaky as time passes . I don 't want to jinx it by being too confident , but I think that Ms . Winnie is home to stay . When most photos of me are taken , I am usually standing ( or sitting ) with family / friends / etc . , with a cheesy smile on my face , or I 'm laughing inappropriately , talking , or blinking . Some people are naturally photogenic , I haven 't found this to be the case with me . It 's not that I don 't like having my picture taken . . . what am I saying , yes it is . I guess it 's the idea of a staged photo that I object to . Ones where I ( or other people ) are naturally DOING something , or are in a situation that tells a story , are much more interesting . I recently found this photo of me . . . it was probably taken in the late 1980s . The Husband snapped it with my then - state - of - the - art Polaroid camera . I was finishing the drywall in the basement room that would become his home office . This photo clearly shows that I make a complete mess of myself when I 'm drywalling . As I work , I scrape my knife on the edge of the tray ( that yellow thing in my hand ) , and then I wipe the knife clean on my pant leg . If I had turned around , you would see that my left leg was probably fairly clean . I must have just started the second coat of mud , because I 'm working on the vertical seam . . . my habit is to do ceiling , inside corners , vertical seams , then the long horizontal seams . Can 't get this much of a story from a posed , ' Say Cheese ' type of pic . While we were at our friends Jim and Dan 's house last summer for a big birthday party , one of the activities was a bit of music in their music room . Jim is a fantastic musician , plays the harp beautifully . . . and his friends in the Renaissance music group joined in that afternoon . At one point , there were six harps , a violin , and a flute , along with beautiful voices . It reminded me of what we read about families and friends playing music and singing in the evenings before TV took over the scene . While we were at Jim and Dan 's last weekend , The Husband took Dan aside and showed him a photo of the portrait ( Dan is also a very talented artist ) . Dan 's reaction was instantly favorable , as was Jim 's when he saw it . They offered to buy it right then , and have continued to be quite insistent about it during the time since , but I have had to disappoint them . This portrait is mine . I loved it from its inception as a dark photo , and I love it more now . I plan to add it to my collection that we display in our dining room , and it will forever be a memento of a valued friendship . The last bit of Christmas cheer to be packed up and put away was our Christmas tree . We no longer feel the need to disassemble it and stow it in its box . It 's much easier to carefully lay it onto an old flannel sheet and wrap it up tight . When we last left the story of the renovation of our outbuilding that we call The Shack , it was October and we had finished insulating the floor and reinstalling the plywood , and we removed the unnecessary framing to create a vaulted ceiling . Next item on the list was to install track lighting along the length of the ceiling at the ridge . Part of this process involved converting three vintage light fixtures into pendants that would clip onto the lighting track . This turned out to be an incredibly simple process , and the results are so unique . As a bit of review , the outbuilding in question is this one . . . 17 ' x 24 ' , and I have it ear - marked to use as a studio or a shop or maybe a guest house . ( Click HERE if you want a reminder of everything that we have done to The Shack so far . ) Though there is an electric meter on the front of the building , and two outlets inside , there were no lights . After a bit of thought , I decided that the vaulted ceiling is perfect for a simple installation of track lighting . The Husband is my electrical guy , and he got up onto the scary ladder to screw the track along the length of the ridge , wire it to a switch , and install the spotlights . . . as I directed things from below . Now for the lesson in how to convert a regular light fixture into one that will work with track lighting . I have three glass pendant lights that I bought at Goodwill a while ago . ( There are only two of them in the photos , because I thought about writing this tutorial after I had already finished and hung the first one . ) The label inside the shade of each pendant says Vianne , made in France . A quick Google search showed that the Vianne factory made high - quality glass , and it is no longer in business . Shades this size are fairly expensive in the second - hand market . The first thing I did was cut the wiring on my lights , and I unscrewed and removed all the electrical parts . To prepare the Pendant Fitter , unscrew and remove the silver nut on the white receptacle . The wishbone looking tool comes with the kit and is used to tighten the nut when reassembling the fixture . The kit comes with two washers , a narrow one and a wide one . Slip the appropriate washer over the fitter ( I used the narrow one ) , and screw on the nut . I put the cap back onto the glass shade with the set screws , and my new track pendant was ready to use ! My name is Connie , and I started Hartwood Roses . . . an educational rose garden in Virginia that specializes in rare and unusual antique roses . I know a lot about roses , old houses , carpentry and remodeling , and am an expert day dreamer . You will often find me working in the garden , planning a home project , building something , or hanging out in a cemetery . . . all of this has come in handy as my husband and I restore our historic home ( built in 1848 ) renovate the outbuildings , and design the gardens . This blog allows me share whatever is happening in the garden , around the house , or on my mind . View my complete profile Hartwood Roses was a small farm nursery , located just north of Fredericksburg , Virginia . The retail portion of the business closed in 2012 , and the mission shifted to my true love … speaking to organizations and garden clubs and giving classes to educate budding rose gardeners . The display gardens here contain over 800 different varieties of roses … with emphasis on rare and historic varieties , and popular classics that are well - suited for modern gardens . Click picture to go to web site . www . HartwoodRoses . com

I was seven when I discovered that you were fat , ugly and horrible . Up until that point I had believed that you were beautiful - in every sense of the word . I remember flicking through old photo albums and staring at pictures of you standing on the deck of a boat . Your white strapless bathing suit looked so glamorous , just like a movie star . Whenever I had the chance I 'd pull out that wondrous white bathing suit hidden in your bottom drawer and imagine a time when I 'd be big enough to wear it ; when I 'd be like you . Just like you , I have spent my whole life feeling fat . When did fat become a feeling anyway ? And because I believed I was fat , I knew I was no good . Look at the example Nanna set for you . Despite being what could only be described as famine - victim chic , she dieted every day of her life until the day she died at 79 years of age . She used to put on make - up to walk to the letterbox for fear that somebody might see her unpainted face . I remember her ' ' compassionate ' ' response when you announced that Dad had left you for another woman . Her first comment was , ' ' I don 't understand why he 'd leave you . You look after yourself , you wear lipstick . You 're overweight - but not that much . ' ' ' ' Jesus , Jan , ' ' I overheard him say to you . ' ' It 's not that hard . Energy in versus energy out . If you want to lose weight you just have to eat less . ' ' That night at dinner I watched you implement Dad 's ' ' Energy In , Energy Out : Jesus , Jan , Just Eat Less ' ' weight - loss cure . You served up chow mein for dinner . ( Remember how in 1980s Australian suburbia , a combination of mince , cabbage , and soy sauce was considered the height of exotic gourmet ? ) Everyone else 's food was on a dinner plate except yours . You served your chow mein on a tiny bread - and - butter plate . As you sat in front of that pathetic scoop of mince , silent tears streamed down your face . I said nothing . Not even when your shoulders started heaving from your distress . We all ate our dinner in silence . Nobody comforted you . Nobody told you to stop being ridiculous and get a proper plate . Nobody told you that you were already loved and already good enough . Your achievements and your worth - as a teacher of children with special needs and a devoted mother of three of your own - paled into insignificance when compared with the centimetres you couldn 't lose from your waist . It broke my heart to witness your despair and I 'm sorry that I didn 't rush to your defence . I 'd already learned that it was your fault that you were fat . I 'd even heard Dad describe losing weight as a ' ' simple ' ' process - yet one that you still couldn 't come to grips with . The lesson : you didn 't deserve any food and you certainly didn 't deserve any sympathy . But I was wrong , Mum . Now I understand what it 's like to grow up in a society that tells women that their beauty matters most , and at the same time defines a standard of beauty that is perpetually out of our reach . I also know the pain of internalising these messages . We have become our own jailors and we inflict our own punishments for failing to measure up . No one is crueller to us than we are to ourselves . But this madness has to stop , Mum . It stops with you , it stops with me and it stops now . We deserve better - better than to have our days brought to ruin by bad body thoughts , wishing we were otherwise . And it 's not just about you and me any more . It 's also about Violet . Your granddaughter is only 3 and I do not want body hatred to take root inside her and strangle her happiness , her confidence and her potential . I don 't want Violet to believe that her beauty is her most important asset ; that it will define her worth in the world . When Violet looks to us to learn how to be a woman , we need to be the best role models we can . We need to show her with our words and our actions that women are good enough just the way they are . And for her to believe us , we need to believe it ourselves . The older we get , the more loved ones we lose to accidents and illness . Their passing is always tragic and far too soon . I sometimes think about what these friends - and the people who love them - wouldn 't give for more time in a body that was healthy . A body that would allow them to live just a little longer . The size of that body 's thighs or the lines on its face wouldn 't matter . It would be alive and therefore it would be perfect . Your body is perfect too . It allows you to disarm a room with your smile and infect everyone with your laugh . It gives you arms to wrap around Violet and squeeze her until she giggles . Every moment we spend worrying about our physical ' ' flaws ' ' is a moment wasted , a precious slice of life that we will never get back . Let us honour and respect our bodies for what they do instead of despising them for how they appear . Focus on living healthy and active lives , let our weight fall where it may , and consign our body hatred in the past where it belongs . When I looked at that photo of you in the white bathing suit all those years ago , my innocent young eyes saw the truth . I saw unconditional love , beauty and wisdom . I saw my Mum . This is an excerpt from Dear Mum : a collection of letters from Australian sporting stars , musicians , models , cooks and authors revealing what they would like to say to their mothers before it 's too late , or would have said if only they 'd had the chance . All royalties go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation . ( Published by Random House and available now . ) Kasey Edwards is a writer based in Australia and author of four books including 30 - Something and Over It , 30 - Something and the Clock is Ticking , and OMG ! That 's Not My Husband / Child . You can visit her website at kaseyedwards . com and follow her on Twitter here . As I mentioned last Tuesday , my father - in - law , Herb Bell , died about ten days ago . Though it may sound strange to talk about the positive aspects of losing someone you love , I have to admit that one of the most heartwarming aspects of the experience was looking at all the old pictures - pictures of my father - in - law , my husband , and the entire family . Over the years , I 've seen numerous photos of my husband and his parents from his childhood , but last week I think I saw every single photo taken during his childhood - and his parents ' childhoods before him . It was fascinating on many levels . Some of things that fascinated me were obvious - how different my father - in - law looked as a child and young man . In one picture , from around the time he was twenty , he is leaning against a brick wall , his knee folded against the wall in an pretty close replica of the famous James Dean photo . I saw that photo , and a man who always looked like a grandfather to me actually appeared hot . Yes , I said it . Back in the day , my father - in - law was smoking hot . Why heavy ? Because that 's the way we all remember him - with big glasses , a cigar in house mouth , and a bit of a belly . Like Santa Claus without the hair . So even though we were tickled to find Herb 's James Dean photo and formal Air Force portrait , we were even happier when we put our hands on a picture of Herb the way we remember him - before he was sick , before he weighed 119 pounds as he did in the days leading up to his death . We desperately wanted to remember him as the happy and healthy man we all loved . And the whole time we were searching for evidence of his healthier , happier self , I kept thinking about how ironic it was - after Herb got sick , he was initially thrilled by his weight loss and would often brag about how many pounds he 'd lost . But at some point , the novelty of being thin wore off , and we were all left with the fact that no matter how svelte and dapper the new Herb looked , we all wanted the old one back . In the end , we longed for the healthy and plump Herb and broke down at the sight of sick , gaunt Herb . It made me wonder why we are all so obsessed with thinness when , for some of us , being plump means we 're healthy . I even had to ask myself , what would you rather be ? Thin and sick or healthy and overweight ? Of course , we all would choose the latter , but if that 's the case , then why is it so difficult to accept ourselves the way we are ? Imperfect , yes , but still wonderfully , vitally alive . The Oscar nominations came out this morning , and I am thrilled because my favorite movie of the year - Winter 's Bone - was nominated for best picture . If you haven 't seen this film yet and can stand a movie that is pretty gritty and dark , rent it ASAP . It will kick your ass . ( On top of that it 's also a movie by and about real women . ) Now that the Oscar noms are out , I guess I should finally wrap up the Golden Globe coverage . And I want to do that by shaking my finger at Time magazine for posing an article called " 5 Stars Who Looked Fat and 5 Stars Who Looked Fit " after the Globes . I couldn 't agree more . What the hell is wrong with people - I 'm talking to you , Charla Krupp - that makes them think it 's acceptable to call people fat ? Guess what , Krupp ? It hasn 't been okay to call someone fat since fifth grade . Time to grow up . What 's crazy is that this salacious headline promises more bite than it delivers . If you read the article , you 'll see that Krupp calls Christina Aguilera " buxom " and " hippy , " describes JLo as having an " ample derriere " ( see picture above ) , and says Jennifer Love Hewitt 's " top half is voluminous . " Buxom ? Hippy ? Ample ? Voluminous ? I don 't know about you , but I would have no problem having JLo 's ample derriere , Hewitt 's volumnious top half , or Aguilera 's buxom and hippy . And I certainly know it would make my husband happy . Oddly , Krupp included Heidi Klum in this list of " stars who looked fat , " which doesn 't even make sense . If Heidi Klum looks fat , then my next birthday wish will be to be as fat as Klum . And I think that the fact that Krupp doesn 't get this proves that she 's out of sync with so many of us - those of us who want to accept our bodies the way they are and don 't feel a need to cleave to some ridiculous model of perfection . What 's worse is that this article ran on the Time magazine website . Really , Time magazine ? Really ? You think it looks good to talk about how " fat " someone looks ? It 's not like this is some tabloid we 'd find in the checkout line . I expect more of a " news " magazine . I expect integrity . So let 's see it . Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook Share on Linkedin Share with Stumblers Tumblr it Tweet about it Subscribe to the comments on this post Print for later Bookmark in Browser Tell a friend butts , Christine Aguilera , fat , fat celebrities , Golden Globes , Heidi Klum , Helena Bonham Carter , hips , Jennifer Lopez , Jennifer Love Hewitt , Oscars This is your body . This is your body on exercise . Don 't get me wrong - walking an hour a day is amazing , and I 'm proud that I 've done it for so many years . And I also know that it 's the reason my doctors love me . But it isn 't enough to lose weight . It 's enough to maintain , but not to lose . So yesterday I decided it was time to get back to two - and three - a - days . And I 'm not screwing around this time or not fully committing . I walked for an hour in the morning , ran and jumped rope for 30 minutes in the evening , and ended the day by lifting weights and doing sit - ups for all thirty minutes of The Daily Show - the latter of which I plan to do from here on out . When Jon Stewart is on the television , I 'll be on the floor doing leg lifts and crunches and curls . All that exercise is great , but what 's makes me even happier is how good I felt at the end of the day . I mean , I felt amaaaaaaaaaazing . Truly amazing . And that feeling didn 't stop last night . It lasted through the majority of my day today , fueling me to meet my three - a - day goal yet again . And after I finished playing a brief but rewarding fifteen minutes of basketball tonight , it hit me how quickly you can turn things around and start feeling good again . I 'm starting to crave biking as much as I crave cheeseburgers . I 've given up planning dinner for planning my next bike route . And when I 've finished my jog , I can 't help but want a little more , to go a little bit further . I put the word " fat " in quotation marks because , as I mentioned in my " Fat is off the list " post , I don 't think that word is productive , but also because Klein was never really fat . Chubby , yes . But not fat . Though the book doesn 't exactly chronicle how Klein finally kicks the fat habit , it does beautifully narrate her horrific experiences trying to lose weight any way she could while growing up in a world that does not accept people who struggle with weight . Ironically , when Klein goes to fat camp , she is one of the thinnest people there , and as a result , becomes popular and sought - after . As it turns out , even at fat camp , skinny wins . But what 's so moving about this book is that Klein goes through what we all - fat or not - went through when we were young : feeling unattractive , struggling to fit in , and just wanting to be normal . Sadly , Klein 's parents offer little understanding of her situation . At one point , the whole family goes to a " pay what you weigh " dinner , and when Klein refuses to get on the scale , rather than empathize , they tell her that the whole world is prejudiced against fat people and that she 'll be much happier if she loses weight . As a result , it 's hard not to be completely moved by how challenging it is for Klein to experience adolescence with an extra thirty pounds to lug around and parents who are pushing her to eat lighter fare while scooping out the scalloped potatoes for themselves . And this is why you can 't help but walk away from the book with a better understanding of the fact that your own adolescence - no matter how awkward - wasn 't that bad by comparison . This is because when young Stephanie suffers from the taunts of her peers or - worse yet - her parents and teachers ( one of whom insists she admit she 's " gorda " - or fat - in Spanish class ) , so do you , and the book is obviously better for it . This is a must - read for any woman who has ever struggled with weight or body issues . In other words , it 's a must - read for all of us . 1 ) Because we don 't exercise nearly as much as we used to . From my way of thinking , this is especially true of children - a major contributing factor to the shocking increase in childhood obesity - and you can read why I think that in the second of my posts on that subject . 2 ) Because we eat far too many processed foods and don 't cook enough at home . One of the big reasons this is more of a problem than ever before is because processed foods have become incredibly cheap to buy as well as available on almost every corner in America . In fact , in my " Processed Foods and Little Pink Houses " post , I argue that 's the reason why working class people are the segment of our society that are gaining weight faster than any other group . 3 ) Finally , I believe that our country 's obsession with dieting makes us actually eat more . I 've said it before , and I 'll say it again : when we tell people that they need to look like Angelina Jolie to be beautiful , it makes it very easy for them to give up trying to be healthy and grab another box of Mac ' n Cheese . I truly believe that as long as we hold women to standards that are unattainable for regular people , we will have an obesity problem in our country . And that 's why I completely disagree with Vicki Lovine . She believes that if we start using the word " fat , " we can start shaming people into being healthier . Sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo to me because if there is one thing I know it 's that making people feel bad about themselves does NOT help them . In fact , the first step to being healthy is feeling good about yourself . And I stand by my belief that until we accept ourselves the way we are , we will never lose weight . I 'll even take it a step further and argue that promoting the use of the word " fat " is , in fact , fattist . Can you imagine if we proposed using another derogatory word to make a different group of people change their behavior ? What will Lovine propose next ? Using the word " retarded " more so people act smarter ? I hope that the recent debate about that word proves why taking digs at those who are struggling with any issue doesn 't work . Lovine says that we need to start calling people like me fat , but despite my strong desire to do so , I will maturely refrain from calling Lovine the " R " word . * There is also evidence that the chemicals that are now so ubiquitous in our country are making us fatter as I mentioned in my post on that subject . I waited until we had a few moments alone - when the girls were changing into their pajamas on Christmas Eve - and then told them that even though I was bigger than their mommy that didn 't mean I wasn 't pretty . ( It was easy for me to say these words to them at this point in my life , but when I said them , I was still well aware how far I 've come from the person I used to be , the person who couldn 't see herself as remotely attractive , much less pretty , especially when compared to my super fit and adorable blonde sister . ) Immediately , the girls jumped in . " You are SO pretty , " they said , repeating themselves over and over in case I didn 't believe them : " You are ! You are ! " But I did believe them . Not just because I have more self - esteem than I 've ever had , but because the two of them routinely compliment the way I look . Yes , they had made some inappropriate comments about my size a few days before , but those comments were the exception rather than the rule , which was another reason I wanted to use those remarks to start a larger discussion about women 's bodies while I had the chance - for all I knew , they would never say anything like that to me again . " But I want you to understand that size doesn 't have anything to do with beauty , " I explained . " Bigger woman can be just as beautiful as smaller women . " " Of course , they can ! " the girls both agreed without hesitation . I could see that this was going to be an easy sell , so I decided to go further , explaining to them in detail how genes work and how our body size is determined more by our parents than by our eating and exercise habits . Of course , little kids never miss an opportunity to use any new situation or experience as a way to get even more information , and it wasn 't long before they were asking me if I thought their genes would give them big breasts . I stepped around that minefield as carefully as I could and told them they 'd probably look just like their mommy when they grew up , and that seemed to satisfy them . I also took the opportunity to tell them what I thought of the word " fat " - that it 's a word that is normally used in a mean way , so they shouldn 't use it . They were nodding and seemed to understand , but I wasn 't entirely sure they were still with me . If I had any doubts about the effectiveness of our talk , they were erased the next day - which just happened to be Christmas - when someone used the word " fat , " and my older niece jumped up from her chair and said , " That 's a bad word ! You shouldn 't say that . " I can honestly say that it was one of the best Christmas presents I have ever received . It 's been a while since I 've addressed the question of how I can lose weight without dieting , and I need to start getting back to that question . I 've already talked about the importance of indulging and making exercise a fun and frequent part of our lives ( meaning more than once a day ) , and I 'd like to get through several more tenets of my non - dieting approach over the next few months . The one I want to start talking about first is processed foods - and I say start because this post is only going to talk about why processed foods are more of a problem in our society than I think most people realize . One of the many problems in our society is what we eat . Many of us know that the quality of what we put in our mouths is as important as the quantity . In his bestselling book In Defense of Food , Michael Pollan talks about how bad processed foods are for us - they 're high in sodium , high in calories , high in trans fats , and have little or no nutritional value . Pollan suggests avoiding these problem foods by shopping only in the outlying areas of the grocery store - the produce section , the meat section , the dairy section - and skipping the middle aisles - where boxed Mac ' n Cheese and canned soup rule . I think we all know that these foods should be avoided , but if we all know this , then why is it that people are still buying these foods ? And not just buying them , but buying them en masse ? For instance , I learned that movies don 't become blockbusters because moviegoers want to see them . They become blockbusters because of the theatre owners who book them . Because if you live in a town with as little to do as Laurinburg and it 's a thirty - minute drive to the closest multiplex , you 're more than likely willing to see ANY movie that comes to the run - down two - screen cinema in your town . ( What was equally interesting was that while I was living in North Carolina , I always knew what movie would win the weekend box office because it was always the same movie that opened at the theatre in our town that weekend . ) When I moved to North Carolina , I had the false sense that we would have access to all kinds of fresh , local food because we 'd be living in such a rural area . But if you know anything about the Sandhills of North Carolina , you know that they don 't grow food there . They grow tobacco and cotton . In some ways this was true . A huge Wal - Mart Super Center was so centrally located in Laurinburg that almost anyone who lived in the city limits could walk there if need be ( and it wasn 't unusual to see people doing so ) . There were a handful of other options for grocery shopping in town : two of them were pretty small and rundown and the third - Harris Teeter - was gorgeous and well stocked but too expensive for us and for most of the people we knew . Of course , if it was too expensive for us - two full - time college professors - it was obviously too expensive for most of the people who lived in Laurinburg . As a result , almost everybody did their grocery shopping at Wal - Mart , and initially we were no exception . Because , though the Mac ' n Cheese and the Ramen Noodles and the Ranch salad dressing were the cheapest I 'd ever come across in my life , the grapes and the lettuce and the broccoli were outrageously overpriced . I remember one time I wanted to buy grapes for a get - together we were having at our house , and the regular - sized bag I picked up ended up costing eight dollars . Eight dollars ! For grapes ! When I lived in Cincinnati , I eventually bought almost all of our produce and meat downtown at Findlay Market every Sunday , and I could do so for thirty bucks a week . I would come home with three huge paper bags stuffed full of fruits and vegetables ( and half a bag of fish , chicken , and beef ) and be shocked by how far our money would go there . But if I wanted to buy three bags of produce at Wal - Mart in rural North Carolina , I 'd probably spend about four times as much doing so . As I had become used to seeing ( even in a fancy grocery store like Harris Teeter ) , children were running around without their shoes on and many of them were in need of a bath and wearing old and ripped clothing . No , not everyone there fit this description , but most did , and in my Gap jeans and espadrilles , I stood out almost as much as Paris Hilton at a church revival . And I also noticed that , unlike other town festivals I 'd been to , there were no rides or games , no Scrambler or Ring Toss . There was only one pathetic looking inflatable bouncing machine , the kind you see gracing suburban backyards for the birthday parties of kids who 've never heard of , much less seen , places like Maxton . Then it it all came together for me : these people were not spending a lot of money on food . They were just spending it the wrong way . They weren 't obese because they were pigging out at every meal ; they were obese because every meal was high in sodium and calories and trans fats . They were overweight because they could afford as much Mac ' n Cheese as their hearts desired , but grapes were not in the budget . McDonalds - which was the only place open 24 hours a day in Laurinburg and which frequently had a drive - through line that extended into the street - and Burger King and Wendy 's and Park Grill and Taco Bell and KFC and all of the twenty or so fast food restaurants in Laurinburg were complicit as well . Because in Laurinburg , not only couldn 't you buy foods rich in iron like spinach and blueberries without spending five dollars , you also couldn 't buy a healthy meal in a restaurant unless you went to the only fancy sit - down restaurant in town , a place where a salmon dinner costs around twenty dollars , a price far too high for most of the people who live there . But you could go to one of many fast food restaurants and get a 1000 - calorie value meal for around three bucks and maybe even feed a family of three for the same price as that bag of grapes . The eight - dollar grapes weren 't the only reason I stopped going to Wal - Mart ( a documentary called The High Cost of Low Prices also played a big role in that decision ) , but it was basically the final straw . And my goal here isn 't to convince people to stop going to Wal - Mart ( though that would be a nice side effect of this blog ) . My real goal is to point out how many people in this country - the people who live in places where Slumdog Millionaire and The Hurt Locker will never play - don 't have very many choices about what they eat . Essentially , they eat what they 're given , and the result is that many , many , many of them are obese . I used to be surprised by how many more people in this country are now considered obese - especially by the increase in childhood obesity - and I used to believe that these people were just lazy and undisciplined . But after living two years in the middle of nowhere , the numbers don 't surprise me anymore . It 's not that these people - adults and kids alike - want to eat food that is so bad for them . It 's that , sadly , they don 't have much of a choice . Tonight I had the privilege of seeing Away We Go , the new dramedy about a confused young pregnant couple played by Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski . It was a film I 've wanted to see as long as I 've known about it but one I 'd been D Y I N G to see ever since I saw a gorgeous but very womanly picture of Maya Rudolph splashed across two pages of Entertainment Weekly with an article they wrote about the movie last month . In the picture , Rudolph 's skirt was creeping up her thighs to reveal wonderfully fleshy legs , and I immediately admired the hell out of Rudolph for that photo - not only for showing off her regular - sized body , but for doing so in such a sexy manner . What 's even better is that Rudolph was pregnant at the time the picture was taken . Sure , we 've seen pregnant woman knocking our eyes out on the cover of magazines before ( Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair comes to mind ) , but this photo was different . Rudolph didn 't look like she had something to prove . She looked like she was merely comfortable with herself - womanly thighs and all . But what I really want to talk about is a comment made by Rudolph 's character , Verona , in the movie . Without giving anything away , I can say that the comment occurs when she and her boyfriend Burt are discussing their future and their unborn daughter . Verona asks Burt to " promise me that you won 't care if our daughter is fat or skinny , and that she won 't even be the kind of girl who worries about her weight in a cliched kind of way . " ( I 'm sure I 'm getting the words all out of order , but the sentiment is what 's important here . ) Verona makes this request during a very moving part of the film , and it was this line that put me over the top . I wanted to stand up in my chair , throw down my tub of popcorn and oversized soda , and shout , " Yes , yes , yes ! Please teach your daughter not to worry about her weight ! Please teach us all to do that ! " I guess what I 'm saying is that this , more than anything , was a movie that really got me , that really understood what 's important to me . ( If such a thing is even possible . ) And I 'd like to take it a step further and say this is a movie that gets all of us .

Jack Brown has lived most of his life in the lee of the Appalachian mountains , an hour and half south of Buffalo , ten miles from the Pennsylvania border , in a part of the US called the Southern Tier , in New York state . Jack , a proud father of six girls , lives up on a hill in a little box canyon outside small town of Scio ( pop . 1800 ) . It is an area surrounded by rolling farmlands , pastures and meadows , along the picturesque Genesee River , whose north - flowing waters empty into Lake Ontario after passing over a series of cascading waterfalls in Letchworth State Park , an hour and a half drive north of his home . There is a large amount of state - owned land nearby , over 20 , 000 acres , so a a large number of people escape the nearby cities to visit on the weekends - the region has much to offer in the way of fishing , hunting , camping , recreation . During the week , however , Jack says things are pretty quiet , the township of Scio has a population of 1800 people spread over forty six square miles ! Understandably , many people in the area , including Jack , make a living around hunting , fishing or recreation , otherwise the area experiences the highest unemployment rate in New York state . Jack maintains a studio - gallery in Scio , called ' Stones - N - Bones / Allegany Arts and Antiquities ' , located strategically on the main tourist route to the Souther Tier . He showcases his antler carving and other items out front and works daily in his studio . The regular weekend traffic accounts for some of his business , but Jack has become skilled at a variety of marketing opportunities , on - line and in person . And little wonder , Jack is the most prolific antler carver of all time , completing well over 10 , 000 carvings large and small during the course of his decades - long career . A friend and fellow carver , Adrian González - Guillén , after visiting Jack 's studio , exclaimed , " I 've never seen so many carvings … this fellow is a carving machine ! " You know , I couldn 't be where I am at today if it wasn 't for my parents enabling me , and helping me in different ways . My father 's a professional chef by trade . One thing I 'm really , really grateful for is his knowledge in business . He dropped out of high school and built his own empire with hard work , the old fashioned way . In 1969 , seven years after I was born , my family moved from Niagara Falls , NY to Wellsville in the Southern Tier , where my parents opened up a café they called The Village Coffee Shop . The busiest time of the year was hunting season . When I was a kid , hunting season was IT - all the people came down from the city . In those days there were no RV 's . Everyone stayed at the hotel and ate at our restaurant . Sitting there as a boy of 8 , 10 , 12 years old , all I heard were stories of hunting , fishing and antlers . The guys would show up at lunch time and tell their stories . I listened , intrigued and fascinated . It inspired a love of white tailed deer , for both hunting and conservation . They taught wilderness survival skills , which I used , spending countless hours hiking in the bush . During these hikes , I would often find White Tail Deer sheds . I 'd chuckle and wonder ' Where is the other half of the rack ? ' I 'd hang the antler in a tree or throw it ahead of me , then pick it up and throw it again as I hiked . Later , I met a gentleman named Norman Ives , he 's a local Native American . He passed away a few years ago , but he brought me arrowhead hunting for the first time in my life . We gathered them from along the Genesee River and he would tell me stories from his father and grandfather , and I took an interest in it . Things changed in the late 70 's . My parents closed the restaurant and went into the pet business . They bought a building and opened up their first pet shop in Wellsville , where I worked during in my teenage years . After finishing high school , I went to College to study electronics . It was the beginning of the digital age and we were trained as technicians for automated process control - digital processors , robotics , pneumatic arms , laser sensors and switching devices . On the side , while I was studying electronics , my father and I opened up a little game room with video games - and that generated a few extra bucks . Meantime , my father opened four more pet stores in three different counties across the Southern Tier . When I graduated from College , I couldn 't find a job , because the economy was so depressed here . My classmates from the cities got good jobs . They got picked up by Kodak and West Bend , no problem , but me , I had a young family and I just couldn 't move away . At the time , my father needed a worker in one of his pet stores and that was the beginning . I worked for him for twenty plus years ! I have a love for tropical fish , so eventually took over the care of the fish department , including all the paperwork . In those days , I expressed my artistic vision by creating beautiful terrariums and aquariums . I loved decorating the fish tanks with natural things I found along the shores and in the wood . I also learned a lot about spawning and joined several aquarium clubs . I have received credit for propagated over 90 different aquatic plants and 90 different species of fresh water fish ! I once took ' Best in Show ' at the Buffalo Zoo , for creating the most beautiful aquarium in the whole exhibit , competing against everyone from western New York . My introduction to antler carving came in 1985 , in the person of Dale Baldwin , from Hinsdale , NY . He shared my interest in tropical fish , and so was a frequent visitor to the store to chat and buy fish . One day , I noticed that he was wearing a carved spiral on a chain , and asked , " Hey , that 's pretty cool , what is that ? " and he said , " I made it from a deer antler . " I said , " That 's pretty neat , can you make me one ? " He made a bargain with me , saying , " If you have supply the deer antlers , I 'll make you one if you let me keep the left - over parts . " " No problem " I replied , and started collecting the antlers I found on my hikes . One day , in the early years of our relationship , he brought by a dragon he had carved , which was just amazing . It knocked me off my feet ! I couldn 't believe it . " You made this ? You carved this ? " I couldn 't fathom that anyone could be so artistically creative . He took an antler and carved a dragon out of it - it just blew my mind ! During that time , a friend of mine , who helped my father take care of his buildings , died and left behind his tool box . After several months , my Dad said , " Jack do you want any of Randy 's tools ? His tool box is still here and nobody wants it . " So I opened it up and discovered a brand new set of six small palm chisels , never used . I started on the antlers I was saving for Dale . I made simple key chains , necklaces , and pipes , which I sold out of the pet shop . Then one day , Dale made the two county trip to visit , buy fish and pick up antlers . At first he was a little upset , because he had wanted the antlers . But he soon came around and offered what turned out to be very selective advice : " Don 't ever use power tools ! No power tools ! " It was not easy using those chisels . They would often shoot off the antler into my knee cap , fingers or other body parts ! I got a lot of stitches in those early years . I took Dale 's advice so seriously , that I even drilled holes by hand . I had a Dremel at the time , but only used it for cleaning the rust off my car . I just kept hearing the words , " No power tools , Jack . " Over the years , I have be privileged to know and be inspired by other great antler carvers , including Stan Hill and Shane Wilson , but I credit Dale Baldwin for getting me started . He passed away in 2012 . About a year before he died , Dale visited my studio one last time and told me that he was proud of my accomplishments . He felt I 'd raised the art of antler carving to a level he had always wanted to achieve . I miss him dearly and still hear his voice . Since those early days , Jack Brown has created and sold well over 10 , 000 carvings ! How has he done this ? What subjects has he carved ? What kinds of carvings has he made ? How has he marketed such a tremendous number of works ? Jack answered all of these questions and more , during several telephone interviews : I record each carving in a composition notebook which I keep beside my work bench . Each year , I start the numbering over at zero . When I finish a carving , I inscribe a two - digit number representing the year , then a tiny heart and finally , the number of the carving , in order , for that year . The highest number of carvings I have ever done in a single year is 1200 . My annual numbering system represents carvings only and does not include other items like lamps or silver reproductions . Jack : I want to touch as many people with my art as I possibly can . For me , when it comes to art , the most important thing is telling a great story without words . It 's also about introducing people to the beautiful things I 've seen and felt and am gifted enough with hand - eye - brain coordination to take gently from the hand of our Creator and transfer into a medium that is meant to be . Early on , a woman wrote to thank me for a piece she bought from me on eBay , which she gave to her nephew as a gift . It was a cross necklace with a heart in the centre of it . He loved it and made it into a key chain . Some time later , travelling to a job in Colorado , he was killed in a head on crash by a drunk driver . She wrote to me to let me know how much it meant to her that she was able to give him that gift of faith . I started balling , knowing that a work of my hands had touched someone in such a way . It showed me that the people who buy my carvings have their own connection to my art , even though I may never know why they buy it , who they buy it for , or what happens to it in time . That letter changed the way I looked at my work from that day on . Jack : The subjects I use on a regular basis are : eagles , bears , wolves and mountain lions . In my area , that 's what people relate to and want . And these same animals sell well on the internet on a national basis . We all relate to the eagle in the US , since it 's our national bird , so eagles as a subject are the most popular . Bears are also popular with the people who have encountered them , or those whose spiritual totem is the bear . As I mentioned before , I like to make carvings that tell a story . I like to envision little tiny scenes , they intrigue me . An eagle by itself is just an eagle , but put it in a scene and it tells a story , often without saying anything . Sometimes you 've got to speak up though . You have to tell the story , so others can know it . An important theme for me is the triumph of good over evil , or life over death . The idea of resurrection from the ashes makes for a very powerful story , which you 'll see in several of my carvings . When I am not creating scenes , I carve a lot of animal heads ( portraits ) , animal tracks , and , also , a lot of feathers . For example , I have been working on a lot of turkey calls lately - on one I 'll carve turkey feathers , on another I 'll carve a turkey head . Just kind of mix it up - whatever there 's room enough to carve . Carved Mermaid by Jack Brown Skull necklace by Jack Brown Jack Browns carved ' Love Seeds ' necklaces Sea Turtle Hatching by Jack Brown Monarch Butterfly by Jack Brown I have noticed that people 's mind - frame about purchasing art has changed somewhat over the last few years . People used to have no problem buying jewelry or even larger sculptures . But now folks are feeling uncertain about the future , so prefer to buy things that are useful : keychains instead of necklaces , lamps instead of eagle carvings . I also carve handles for stone knife blades from the very best masters knapping today , many of whom I met years ago at the Genesee Valley Flint Knapping Stone Tool Show in Letchworth State Park . I am honoured to be on one end of the production . I get the blades from them , carve the handles and then do the actual marketing . It 's a really interesting journey and a lot of fun . I 'll still do a few sculptures a year , just to emphasize my artistic ability and imagination . I like to do these bigger pieces , which I call my masterpieces . All of the smaller sculptures I do , like the little deer head necklaces , are all preparation for the masterpiece . In my opinion , that 's why they call it a masterpiece . I 'm working on a big moose antler sculpture called Here Comes Trouble . It is inspired by the elk which were reintroduced twenty years ago to the mountains of Elk County , Pennsylvania . I 'd never actually seen a living elk before starting the sculpture , even though I have carved elk antlers for years . I have since travelled the park several times ( to supply the park 's gift shop with my work ) and every time I have seen elk , sometimes at very close range . I heard the first bugling elk of my life - and it gave me shivers from head to foot . It was the most amazing experience I have ever had in my life ! And , remarkably , last week , my artistic vision for Here Comes Trouble turned into reality before my very eyes : I witnessed a bull elk walking down a hill toward a group of cows and calves , when another bull came in sight over the ridge , silhouetted on the skyline - almost the same design I had drawn on the sketch board two months previous ! It was like " Oh … my … gosh ! " Consider the details ! The eagle lost his foot in the battle when the dragon 's foot came up and cut it off . Each one of the dragon 's whiskers spells ' battle of the ages 2 ' , then travel through the skull . Observe also the dragon 's eggs hatching . Also , if you look at each of the eagle 's toes they are metamorphosing into eagles . I plan to follow up on this carving with Battle of the Ages 3 , which is going to be crazy ! There will be four eagles and four or five dragons . Battle of the Ages 1 is in the Bill Steckman Collection . It is carved from two white tail deer antlers , one an eagle , the other a dragon , both mounted together on a plaque . Steve Walker , a metalsmith and Celtic jewelry designer , does all my casting . I make the models , then he does the silicone molds , lost wax burn outs and pours the metal , cuts off the trees and sends them back to me . He is a master ; he is unbelievable . He was one of the first people that I met as an artist , in 1997 . I didn 't have anything to cast then , but , in 1999 , I carved this little hummingbird , called up Steven and he was more than willing to teach and inspire me and that was my first reproduction in silver . Jack : At different times they 'll sell pretty well . I make money off them . I sold fifty of the mermaid reproductions in silver at $ 90 a piece , and two in gold for $ 1000 a piece . That was when gold was $ 300 an ounce , so I made $ 700 dollars profit ! Plus I 've still got the original . Shane : Several years ago you were approached to appear in a book entitled , Antlers , written by Dennis Walrod and published by Stackpole Books ( now Rowman & Littlefield 's Globe Pequot imprint ) . I also have you to thank for my own appearance . The book deals with everything you ever wanted to know about antlers , including antler carving . Denis travels to your original Stones and Bones store in Wellsville and shadows you for the day , talks about your process and gives a sense of the tremendous energy you put into your work and the interest it engenders . I recognize the book is not a carving or a reproduction , but it does represent something of your work and you have these books for sale , do you not ? Jack : Stackpole Books hired Dennis Walrod in 2004 to write a book all about antlers . Stackpole is the publisher who printed a lot of wildlife books as well as all the ' how to ' books . They have recently been bought out by Rowman & Littlefield . Dennis saw my carvings on eBay and took the time to come up to my store . He is a pretty amazing fellow . His knowledge is unsurpassed when it comes to the scientific understanding of antlers . His biggest question for me was how to carve antlers . And we got talking , and I spoke highly of you and some other people that really inspire me , such as Stan Hill and the Whitetail Education Foundation . Since the book was published in 2005 , I 've sold probably 500 - 600 copies . I purchase ten copies at a time wholesale for $ 114 , then sell retail for $ 22 each . The book is on the second edition . They took a lot of stuff out , but they added more pictures of my stuff , and went with colour plates on some of my artwork . Jack : When I wake up in the morning , I check the internet to see what 's going on with my websites and on social media . Often orders will come in through the night . Then I go out to the workshop . When I get a new box of antlers , I may start my day out by sorting them into groups of what they 're best suited to become . Each antler is unique in form , character and texture . I ask , is this particular antler going to be an eagle , owl , or knife handle ? For example , when I carve and eagle , I like the antler to have the brow tine at least 2 " back from the burr or further , because then it doesn 't interfere with the eyes , or the flow behind the eyes and you still have the proper kind of form as it goes back into the antler . This helps to create the flare of the eagle 's neck , which mimics the natural form of the antler . So if an antler meets these criteria and all the tines are nice and not broken , then it will be an eagle or a dragon . Then I begin to carve . If I 'm not working on a specific commission , I 'll usually pick up something that I started previously . I have at least fifty different items in front of me in progress , whether it be a small necklace or the Here Comes Trouble sculpture , it 's all there . When I work on the smaller items , such as a deer track , I work on 2 - 3 at a time , to make things more efficient . You never want to make just one , because it takes time to change burrs and switch tools . I 'll work on each of the three pieces at the same time to bring them to the stage where the next burr is needed and , so , finish them together . Jack : I can do a good twenty minutes , before I have to get up and stretch a little bit . It depends what I 'm working on . If it is a really tiny item , it is very important to regulate everything , even your breathing . So I 'll take a break , just get up and stretch out . Jack : During the stretch out time , I 'll either go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air or work on something that is on one of the other benches , say a lamp . I am constantly thinking , " What 's next ? " I keep active in my shop , I just don 't go on FB and daydream . Jack : Exactly . I normally spend another hour or two uploading pictures , typing in descriptions , socializing on Facebook . It 's all changing , though , Shane . With the new smartphones in your pocket , everything is more spontaneous . And also distracting . It was easier in the beginning years of the internet . Jack : It was very intimidating . Of course I started out with the Dremel as most of us do , because they are affordable . Over time , it is important to invest in different tools to bring your carving to the next level . A lot of the tools were just placed in my hands . I didn 't have to go out looking for them . Someone walked in with the high speed air tool , her husband passed away and she didn 't want it . It was a Perigrade and you know how expensive they are . And then the RAM I bought off a kid who came in . He worked at a dentist office and quit . I 've just replaced parts and hand pieces since then . Jack : I really like the micro motor hand tool , the RAM . I like the feel of it in my hand . I can spin it like a drumstick . But you have to have the Dremel for the hog work - you don 't want to subject the micro motor hand piece to hogging - I tripped the breaker even with the Dremel . I 've also had to be careful hogging with the Foredom ; I 've snapped off the chuck right beside me and had the shaft go whipping past my head . Jack Brown working on an antler sculpture , Don 't Wake the Sleeping Bear , with his favourite tool , the RAM Micromotor . He is wearing an OptiVisor and you can see various burrs in the background . Also note the book he uses to keep track of his finished carvings . Jack : My biggest mistake that I 've made is that I 've learned by carving on my knee , when I should have researched a little more and built a carving box , with a dust collector right below it , so the dust drops below . And I didn 't - I still carve on my knee . I have a dust collector upstairs with a 6 " pipe that comes down and ends in a box right in front of me , but it doesn 't catch it all , the bigger stuff drops down to the floor , so I have to keep sweeping it up . In the summer time , I shut that down and I have a 14 " type of commercial box fan , at my feet , right through the wall so pieces head away from me . The air comes from behind me , so I control my breathing and hold my breath when I 'm making the cut , or I exhale and blow at the same time . I don 't wear a respirator much anymore unless I am working on shell or wooly mammoth tusk - the dust tends to funk me out a little bit . And shell is pretty nasty , I tend to wear a respirator there . But other than that I discipline myself to do what I do and just do it . It 's important to be very efficient to have big numbers . If you want to have something to market , you have to be efficient at what you do . ' Time is money ' is an old saying that 's been around for centuries . Being efficient , having all your tools in order , your flow process , things readily in front of you without having to go out of your way is an absolute must . I use the cylinder and the inverted cone the most . They can give you a little undercut that creates a shadow . I find , on a flat surface , where you are not trying to take off the whole width / length of the cylinder you still have enough meat there where you can carve things around the burr by changing the angle . I like those three burrs the best in all the sizes . Jack : It happens . On several occasions , I 've been cut up and hurt , requiring stitches . The last it happened it was the knife edge burr , which is very dangerous . It 's just a burr with a knife edge for undercuts . It is a flat disk . It jumped . It is for making cuts in jewelry for setting stones . It 's not really made for carving antler and it caught and zoomed down my finger . In the early days I worked with chisels , and one thing I learned is that you have to keep them sharp . The same with burrs . You 're going to get hurt when your tools are dull . If you 're not carving you 're burning . People say antler stinks , but that comes from cutting way too fast , or your burrs are clogged or dull . And if there is smoke coming off your carving , you 're burning , not carving . ( If you burn the carving , you 'll have to get in there and clean things up , get down to where the antler is clean and stable . ) I told you before that I carve on my knee . I 've been cut when the burr slips from my fingers and goes into my pant leg . All my carving pants have a hole in the carving knee . Jack uses his knee to support his work while he carves . Note the wear and tear on his good jeans ! But I 'm quick - I 've almost been hurt hundreds of times . Especially on the bandsaw . That can be scary sometimes , when you 're cutting up antlers , you 're not flat up against the plate , you 've got it up on an angle to get the right cut and sometimes it will grab it and smack it down and wake you up . Jack : Sometimes I use it for the antler , if it is plugged in and in front of me . Especially if the belt sander is on the other side of the room . It is a little cleaner , the dust isn 't there . The water sprays on it . I 'll use it to create smooth surfaces on antler or cabezon . Jack : I use the OptiVisor with the 3x power lens when I 'm doing the tiny , tiny scenes . I like the 2x power lens on a daily basis . I also have a stereo microscope next to me , where I can go from 10 - 40X . I carved a mermaid in green butterstone , for example , I couldn 't carve between her fingers with the Optimizer so I put it in there and it was like a whole different magical world . And I set it between 15 - 18X and cleaned up in between the fingers , but the depth of field is so shallow that it makes you dizzy . Like a roller coaster ride - I almost fell off my chair . Jack : Pricing art work is one of the hardest things . You have to take a lot of things into consideration : how long it took to make , how detailed it is - those are the big ones . You have to float with the economy , depending on what 's going on , you don 't want to overprice yourself . If a particular carving really means something to you personally , and you don 't want to part with it , you usually ask more than it 's worth . Then if someone wants to pay a little bit extra because they want it so badly , you are not giving it away . And you can always make another . Jack : When I first started out , I was just making and trying to sell my art . It took a while to find a marketplace and to find an item that I could make and market at a reasonable price . You don 't need a huge inventory of one particular product in the beginning . You just want to start out with what you can handle . Pick a small goal and achieve it . I figured out pretty early that there are two ways to approach carving : the artistic and the commercial . You need to ask yourself , what is your goal as an artist ? Is your goal to make art in your spare time for self - gratification or do you want to create a business using your carving skills and the things that you love in your environment , such as antlers , sticks , stones , and bones ? I chose the second approach , so I needed to find out everything I could about marketing . Many events or occasions are already created by others , which I use by promoting them and then participating in them . Last month it was the Allegany Artisans Studio Tour . The month before , it was the two big stone tool shows , back to back . This month it is Christmas . You 've also got Valentine 's Day , a good one , then you have Easter . Big business created these events . They have the same philosophy , they are creating events , promoting and then holding the events . Other occasions , like President 's Day or Labour Day are commemorative type events the government has created , which can also be used in your business . All the other events you can create . You are only limited by your creativity . For example , for the first anniversary of my new store , I hired a live singer , a one man band , to perform . I also did some good promoting on the radio . Since it was right in the middle of hunting season , lots of folks saw the business , Stones and Bones , and they stopped . It 's just the way it is . You have keep people entertained ; people will pay you money to entertain them . You can also create , promote and have an event on eBay or Facebook . About a month before Christmas people are really shopping , then a week before sales drop and people tend to buy for themselves . During this time , I pick four carvings , called ' The Final Four ' and promote them , giving out clues ahead of time . People want to be entertained , so I try to make it exciting , make people want to be part of it . In the beginning , as I mentioned before , I was still working at my Dad 's pet store . After I took care of the chores , I 'd just sit there and whittle . I carried that little toolbox with me . This would have been in 1994 . I put up a little shelf to display my carved keychains and sold a few pieces . I decided to get into antler carving full time in 1999 and opened my own store . I purchased a commercial building across from the post office in Wellsville and called the business , Stones ' n Bones . Dennis Walrod , author of Antlers , said it was , " One of the most interesting places , I 've ever seen ! " Which was pretty cool . This is how he described it in his book : There are antler carvings and other artifacts everywhere you look : in display cases , on the walls , suspended from the ceiling … and yes , some stuff is on the floor . No two items are alike , and that also seems to apply to the customers and gawkers who are constantly coming in through the front door ! ( Dennis Walrod , Antlers , 2005 , p . 119 - 120 ) However , in 2013 , an opportunity came along that was too good to pass up . I purchased an old , historic building in downtown Scio that was almost condemned ! I got the whole building for $ 10 , 000 on a corner lot right on the main state route to the Southern Tier ! You know , when something says jump , you jump . And when you do , it can change your life ! Needless to say , it took a lot of work to restore the building and make it presentable as the new Stones ' n Bones ! The store portion of Stones and Bones is in the front part of the building , with my studio in the back . It 's a really big space . It was the old hardware store from the 1800 's . With the extra space , I 've been able to bring a lot out of my work out of storage . My bigger stuff got packed away when the old store closed : a lot of plaques , antler lamps and even some carvings , that I had put on the back burner . In 2014 , I bought the tiny society building next door . Both buildings are under the same roof so I decided to blast through the wall , making one really large space . I opened up a Hershey 's Ice Cream Parlour in the new space . Though I ran it at first , I ended up hiring a manager because it was just too time consuming . Just like in Wellsville , a lot of tourists pass through on the weekends . They come down from Buffalo and Rochester - heading to the Southern Tier near the Pennsylvania border . It 's almost like clockwork . The early birds who cut out of the office at noon on Friday , arrive at 4pm . The people who leave work at 4pm , roll in about 8pm . Sundays , during the summer , everybody is headed past on their way home at 5 : 30pm , pulling campers , trailers , and fishing boats . During football season , they head home earlier , about 11am , to watch the game at noon or 1pm . Tourists who pass through , also get a chance to see my work , which I have wholesaled to the Elk County Visitor 's Centre Gift Shop , a joint venture of the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation and the Pennsylvania Game Commission . Their mission is to educate people about elk , which have recently been reintroduced to the area . It is a great fit for my work . As I mentioned above , another great yearly event for Stones ' n Bones is the Allegany Artisans Studio Tour . Members open up our workshops and studios to the public for a weekend each fall . There is an official studio tour map and the event is heavily advertised as part of the Allegany County 's recreational promotional effort in the Southern Tier . All in all , Scio is an amazing place , but you have to be really content with yourself , mentally , to handle the small - town pace . Sometimes even I go a little crazy with boredom ! So it 's great to get away a couple times a year to attend shows and meet other artists and craftspeople . I set up at the Maple Festival . I made $ 15 the whole weekend . I remember that . During the show , I had plenty of time to observe the lady who had set up across from me . She had a ring toss and did very well , filling her carpenter 's pouch with gobs and gobs of money . So the next year I did the Maple Festival , I figured I 'd buy a bunch of fish from the pet store and have my own little gimmick . I knew that with a ping pong ball and the goldfish , with 300 goldfish at a dollar a shot , I was going to make at least $ 300 over the weekend . I didn 't always rely on jewelry to make money ! It was at this show that I met Dayna and Kate Klein , who invited me to the Genesee Valley Flint Knapping Stone Tool Show at Letchworth State Park . I had maybe twenty necklaces in a small little 18 × 24 " case , but they saw potential , and thought my stuff would be nice at their show . So I attended my eyes were opened ! I met flint knappers from around the country , today 's modern masters of lithic arrowheads and blades . I watched them sitting around in circles , beating rocks , and thought , " They 're crazy , they 're all doing it ! " I was hooked and have been attending ever since . It has led to many collaborations over the years on knives and other projects . The internet has changed everything about marketing and sales . Even with a storefront in town , most of my sales are on - line . The internet is also great for people who are just starting out . Someone can start carving today and say , " I want to be like Jack " and start building a network with a website and social media and blossom into a beautiful artist through time . But there are so many options out there , it is hard to know where to start , and it creates a little fear . My thinking is that you want to sign up on all of the sales and social media sites . After a while when you find out which three venues are working the best for you , focus on them and let the other sites lie dormant until they happen to take off . That is what happened between eBay and Etsey . In the early years Etsey was small . Now they get the recognition as being a reputable and honourable market for artists and craftspersons , and eBay has been plagues by scams . 1 . As far as social media sites , Facebook , is where it 's at , to be totally honest with you . It serves as a backbone to your other sites , referring traffic from your followers . 2 . The personal or business website with shopping cart , is key , because people around the world on different time zones can purchase something when you are sleeping . Check out carverscorner . com and flintknappers . com . After all , you can 't be on Facebook 24 / 7 . My first website is still viewable www . stonesnbones . com - how bandwidth and technology have changed ! 4 . It very important to represent yourself in all the markets . At the very least , sign up and grab your business name , so no one else can ! I signed up with eBay in 1998 , but it wasn 't until 2003 that I started posting and selling carvings . I put up a few pieces all signed ' Brown ' , then a kid asked me to sign a wolf track necklace , ' Bonecarver ' , since that was my username on eBay . So I said , certainly . The next one I also signed ' Bonecarver ' , added some close shots and explained that if the purchaser is out and about and someone asks , " Hey , that 's cool , where did you get that ? " they can spin it around and say " Bonecarver , on eBay ! " That piece went for three times what I was asking for it in the display case at my store . I thought , ' Oh my gosh , what 's going on here ? " So , I signed continued signing my carvings ' Bonecarver ' and it just snowballed . Between 2004 and 2014 , I sold 7102 items on eBay ! My work has gone for $ 10 up to $ 3000 , and 99 % were antler carvings . The best years by far were 2005 - 6 , when things were really swinging . Those little deer tracks and acorns carvings usually sold for $ 20 - 30 dollars a piece . I learned to make 2 - 3 of them in an hour , so instead of making $ 8 / hr at a regular job , I could make up to $ 25 - 30 an hour . Sometimes I lost my ass on a carving , selling it for $ 10 , but that person would come back the next time , knowing he got a deal , a nice piece of jewelry in his hands , and he would commission something or pay more for an item online . I put them in the right categories , used titles , keywords , and descriptions to pull people in . Say you have an eagle necklace , you want to put it in the right category , so ' eagles ' would be the best category , since it relates to the most popular subject out there . But put other words in there too : ' carved , antler , necklace ' . And then , if you still have room : ' eagles , antlers , carvings ' . Use words you think someone will type into their search . On eBay the keywords and categories are the most important . Since most people usually concentrate first on which bids are ending and what 's newly listed , you should have something either ending or newly listed each day . If you do , people will notice your stuff and then take look at your other items from there . People only have so much time they spend on the internet , perhaps an hour at the end of the night , so the longer you can keep someone in your store the less time they have to shop around , so most likely they are going to buy something from you . Every day I would put two or three items up and every day two or three items would come down , so , in addition to creating interest on my store , I had pretty good cash flow . The digital world has come so far and that has really allowed eCommerce to grow , changing the way we market and make money . It 's there and it 's as big as you want it to be . eBay is still a great venue , but more and more , making contacts and sales are done on Facebook . Facebook is replacing eBay . I know I sell more off Facebook today . I often don 't have a chance to post images to eBay or my website - a quick post straight from my phone to Facebook usually leads to a sale . You should have both a personal page and a business page . On my personal page , Jack Brown Bonecarver , I have 3500 ' friends ' . Only 1000 of those actually ' like ' my business page , Stones and Bones , where I have over 4000 followers . So there are 3000 people on my Stones and Bones page that miss what I put on my personal page and 2000 on the personal page that don 't see the business page . I have tried to merge them , but that is impossible . It took six years of busting my butt on FB to achieve 4000 followers on my business page . Instead of paying for Facebook ads , I run contests and make something special to give away , to try to get people over to my business page . It 's all about audience . The more exposure you have the better your chances of making a sale . For instance if 1000 people look at an item you post , two might buy something - so the more groups of 500 people you attract , the better your market . It 's as big as you want it to be . You know the 3D eagle heads I carve on the Whitetail antler tips ? I timed myself and I can make one in eight minutes . I sell it on a necklace for $ 50 . When put it up on Facebook , I might sell five of them in one night . You 've got all these people on Facebook who like your work , so for every piece you post you may have a dozen people that want it . It 's spontaneous , compulsive buying , based on supply and demand . You sell the one piece and take orders for the rest . It keeps you busy ! You have to spend your time very wisely on the social networks like Facebook . Getting distracted can happen very easily and has happened to me quite a bit . You have to recognize when it starts to interfere with what you are trying to accomplish . I am on Facebook for my artwork , simple as that . I am not much for sitting around on a chatline , unless it is business . If I only have one hour for the internet at the end of the day and I spend it chatting or surfing , it takes away from the time I could be posting artworks or responding to enquiries . I met Jack here on Facebook . It was about a year after I left my job to chase this whole carving career . I was a little shocked he interacted with me at all . I was new to social media at the time . I didn 't really understand it all . I remembered about ten years prior , one of my first experiences with the Internet , I searched ' antlers ' on eBay and up popped Bonecarver 's work . I then looked up his website . I remember sitting there staring at it , a little in awe . One day I received a message from Jack on Messenger . It had his phone number . It just said " Call me . " So , I grabbed the phone and called almost immediately . We talked for quite some time , that first call . He was filled with so much good knowledge . Not just about carving . But about getting in touch with customers . Stories of the spirituality of the job ( which I didn 't get at the time , but I do now ) . He really inspired me at a time when I needed inspiration . And he helped a great deal with confidence . To this day , I 'm still quite captivated by his work . He is a great artist , a great person , and a great friend . I met Greg Hollier many years ago in Wellsville . He helped set up the new store in Scio and was really interested in carving . He reminded me of myself when I started out . He 's on Facebook as ' H Carvings ' , but we called him the Bone Hopper , because he hopped from bone to bone . I think he 's going to go far with this - the desire , artistic ability and ambition are there . After he worked all day to help his parents , he spent the night carving . It wasn 't the type of apprenticeship where the person works for free , I paid him and he helped a lot with the smaller carvings : the keychains and necklaces and also helped keep the shop clean . He was a quick learner , picking up on my techniques just by observation , so from time to time , I had to distract him a little bit , you know , you just can 't share all your trade secrets ! But seriously , it 's important to learn slowly and not rush it . You can learn techniques but not how to be an artist . You need to find that on your own . We all learn , sooner or later , if you stick with it long enough . Jack : I walked into this not knowing anything . Still don 't know anything . What the heck am I doing ? Just going for the ride , just letting the art take me where it wants to take me . I am just grateful that people like my stuff and for the support I get from my family and friends , the community of people I meet on the internet , and on the show circuit . It has been an amazing journey ! 1 . Tell me a little about yourself : Where did you grow up ? Where do you live now and what is it like ? What kind of work or interests do you have outside of carving ? I was born and currently live in Bryansk , quite a big town in Central Russia not far from Moscow . A town with quite a long and rich historical heritage , much of which is being restored now . Arts and crafts are becoming more popular nowadays in Russia , but not that much yet and people do not treat them seriously . They do not treat the profession of an artist seriously and that is why the cultural marketplace is not so well developed and artists need to struggle to develop their art and to survive . This of course influences the whole situation about arts in Russia . In spite of this , carving is both my profession and my hobby ; I do not have any other jobs . My main interest outside of carving ? Mountain biking ! 2 . How did you become interested in art ? Do you have any formal or informal art training or apprenticeships ? Who are your mentors or teachers and what do you appreciate about their work ? What attracted you to the idea of making sculpture ? As a child I liked to draw and paint ; sciences were of little interest for me at school . I developed an interest in carving as a boy watching on of my father 's colleagues carve a wooden figure of a sea animal . After that I tried my hand at it too . I started carving seriously at the Art Institute , Bryansk , Russia , from which I graduated with the qualifications of a Master - Artist of Applied Art and Folk Crafts ( 1998 ) . I was lucky to have a kind of apprenticeship outside classroom with a local wood carver , Orlov Igor , who taught me many practical and basic things and in whose workshop I spent many hours . I currently have a good advisor and friend , one of the former professors from the Art Institute , Alexander Bodyakov . He is retired and teaches no more , but carves commissions for the Church . I find his deep knowledge of the arts helps me a lot . I started by carving wood and only after that , bone . The latter attracts me more as it allows greater freedom of treatment of the material . I am attracted to sculpture because it is the most complex , difficult and all - embracing of the arts : you need to know anatomy , the movements typical of this or that animal , the texture and qualities of the materials used , the instruments needed to carve each different material , etc . The impression produced by sculpture is great and many - sided . 3 . How did you become interested in antler as a carving medium ? Do you have specific training or mentoring for antler carving ? You sometimes combine antler with wood , do you carve other materials as well ? I started carving moose antlers after graduating from the Art Institute . I was in search of the materials with which I would mostly like to work ( I even had some experience working as a painter for several months with the designer 's studio " Atelier Benoni " , Prague , the Czech Republic in 2005 ) and one day I met a taxidermist , here in Bryansk , who simply asked me , " Why not try carving antlers ? " I agreed and so he commissioned my first antler carving . Though I worked hard at it , the carving was a failure , in my opinion ! I found working with perspective on the moose antler and understanding the anatomy of dogs and wolves was quite difficult ( see images 1 , 2 ) . We did not have any selective courses on carving antler , bone or the like at the Art Institute , so I learned it on my own by consulting both local carvers , who had experience carving bone , and people in specialized on - line forums . Also , I read books on the subject and experimented on my own . In addition to antler and wood , I also carve mammoth , walrus and sperm - whale tusks , ivory and rhino - horn . I prefer carving mammoth tusk , as it allows me to create minute details and looks quite beautiful with its delicate texture and colour . 4 . Can you tell me about your studio set up and the tools you use ? Where do you get your material ( antler , ivory , etc . ) ? My studio is just two medium - sized rooms , one is equipped with a long table , a big Metabo saw , a couple of Dremel and Micro NX tools , some chisels . This is where I work . In the other room , I store antlers and other materials and also keep a high stand to make the preliminary models of my sculpture from modeling clay ( plasticine ) . I buy antlers mostly from people who live in the country and find shed antlers in forests ( they are plentiful in the northern , Karelia region ) . They are shipped to me by post . In case of expensive materials , like mammoth tusk , they are usually provided by the person who commissions the work . 5 . What kind of animals do you carve and what meaning do they have for you ? Do you carve other subjects as well ? What are you working on now ? As a wildlife carver , I carve scenes from forest life . I also carve scenes from hunting life too . I have a lot of experience carving dogs , wolves , moose , bears , wild boars , and deer . ( see images 3 - 7a , b ) The selection of the animals I carve is dictated by my location I think ; these ones are typical of Russian forests . Since childhood , I have seen pictures of them in books , wildlife documentaries , etc . However , dogs and wolves are my favourites . I have always had dogs in the house , so it helps me in my work . I know their behaviour , anatomy and movement and can " ask " my dog to be my " subject " for a couple of minutes : turning his head this way or that , moving his legs to see how the joints work , etc . I have often carved the Russian hunting breed of ' laikas ' ( the name literally means ' barker ' - images 1 , 2 and 7a ) and have just finished working on a carving of the ' borzois ' ( a Russian wolfhound , whose name literally means ' fast ' - image 7b ) , also a famous hunting breed in Russia . The two breeds have completely different physical characteristics and ways in which they move . Wolves are also canines and the fact that they are wild animals , unspoilt by civilization , I find very attractive . In addition , I find the knowledge about this animal fascinating : the way they live and behave . People have always thought about them as cruel , wicked and blood - thirsty predators , but few really know how amazing the way of life is within a wolf pack . ( see images 8 - 11 ) In terms of other subjects , I had a commission carving Chinese vases once and found it to my taste . The subject matter was very peaceful and calming - lotus flowers and other plants , birds , crabs . I also like carving Orthodox scenes , used for decorating the mitra ( religious objects ) . To carve these seriously , one should be imbued with a believing spirit and do it for the true Church and its people , not just because religious themes are popular and can earn you a lot of money . ( see images 12 - 14 ) 6 . How do you go about creating a sculpture ? How do you decide when you 'll make a carving in the antler alone or combine it with a wood element ? Tell me about your carving process : planning , stages , tool / carving techniques ( favourites tools ? ) . How do you finish the sculpture : sanding , stain , varnish , mounting ? All starts with an idea . I have a moose antler ( or any other material ) before my eyes and the antler " prompts " the subject I 'll carve by the antler 's form , curved lines , colour and texture . Then as soon as I see the composition I make sketches on paper , playing with animal 's movements , body positions , and the arrangement of the animals on the antler . It is difficult to say HOW I decide to carve an antler with a wood sculpture or without it . I think it depends on the way I see the scene on the antler ; I feel at once , " Oh , yes , this spot is perfect for a wooden figure , which will go very well with the animals made in relief " . Something of the sort . The carving itself takes quite a lot of time ; I pay a lot of attention to details and forms . It can 't be finished in one day . I put the work aside for a time in order to gain a fresh perspective on the carving . Looking at it later , with a fresh eye and under different light , I am able to bring it to the finished stage . I use different techniques working at a moose antler , even several different ones can be applied on one moose antler in combination . Among them are : relief carving , cut carving , using a burning tool , staining , adding extra wooden sculptures . Each has its peculiarities and nuances : Cut carving makes the work airy and light and exquisite in case you find a good wide moose antler and good composition . Relief carving is hard work , as a relief should look natural whatever angle you look at it , whatever the light is , etc . You really need to know about bass - relief and high relief . Phase 4 - The two laikas are refined and the wild boar is roughed out in wood . Further detail of trees and bushes are added to the moose antler background . ( Dmitry Gorodetsky mixed media moose antler sculpture , in progress ) Staining is of course a problem , even a dilemma sometimes , as the colours you get depend on the bone texture and the relief carving itself . It is difficult to stain moose antler , because each antler has a variety of porous and less porous areas . The porous areas can soak up too much of the stain and create dark spots , the colour lying unevenly over the antler surface . 6 . Final Phase - The wood figures and moose antler background details have been refined . A stain has been applied selectively to bring out the carved detail . Note , some of the background has been left unstained in contrast , to create an effect of depth . Wild Boar and Laikas , by Dmitry Gorodetsky ( carved and stained moose antler and wood - 60cm x 32cm ) Mammoth tusk can turn unexpected shades when stained too ! Once , when staining the mammoth tusk carving ( see image 17 ) in the same way as I had done with another carving before , it became a strange green - brown colour . I was shocked , thinking the work marred and spoilt , but after polishing it acquired a nice , antique coloration . There is quite a lot of information out there on natural and chemical substances that can be used for staining , as carving bone has quite a long and rich history , but it is important to note that each piece may react uniquely . After staining , polishing can be applied , again , depending on the effect you want to have : polished things can seem more finished and have a more - so to say - " suitable for purchase " appearance . But sometimes a matte surface is more preferable as more natural . Using a burning tool makes the antler texture look peculiar and interesting , like having tiny dots on the surface , but it demands practice in determining the degree of heat to apply . This process is quite slow and very demanding . ( see image 16 ) I make wood bases for my carvings and like to use oak because of its texture . The base should match the antler in size and form ; it can also have some carved elements on it but they shouldn 't be in excess , just a necessary addition to the carving to heighten the effect . As for a favourite tool , I like to use all of them , perhaps with just one preference : a 0 . 3mm burr and my Micro NX machine ! 7 . How do you market your work ? Is it made ' on spec ' for sale in a gallery , or do you work by commission ? Where do you sell your work ? How do you handle the logistics of selling to people in other countries ( money , shipping , export / import , etc . ) ? I have my web site ( http : / / carving - studio . com ) , post images of my carvings in various online forums ( art , carving , hunting and taxidermy ) , and in online art galleries ( Russian ) . Up to now I have made carvings by commission - people have come to know me through these resources . I am planning to take part in serious exhibitions ; the preparation requires much time and effort , but it is a must - do , I think . I have never sold any work via Internet - many people write and ask about the way to buy the carvings but as soon as it comes to the shipping and paying question , they strangely disappear . Fortunately , not so long ago , international payments became much easier here . PayPal works for both sending and receiving funds from Russia . 8 . What plans do you have for creating sculpture in the future ? Thing number one which is now in my mind is to hold a personal exhibition for which to prepare a variety of compositions made in moose antler , mammoth tusk and other materials , devoted to wildlife . And in general it is to work hard , as making sculpture is an art which requires constant and continuous development of artistic skills and knowledge . Purpose This blog is about the art of antler carving . It is for and about antler carvers . Images , tools , tips , techniques , marketing - we 'll cover it all . The blog may also be of interest to carvers of other materials ( such as horn , ivory or bone ) since we share many of the same tools and techniques . And the differences are sure to be instructive ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

. . . and I 'm a right misery at present . After tossing and turning with tummy cramps all night , my back 's gone doolally again . It will wear off in time , of course , with help from the pills , but I 've cancelled today 's excursion to visit family . So I have a day with nothing planned which is just as well because I reckon I will need to sleep on and off quite a lot . See you later . . . Well , wasn 't that just beautiful . A radiant bride in a dress that one can only dream about , a church wonderfully decorated , music of beauty to bring tears to the eyes and a quote in the sermon that was just amazing . ' Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire . ' Isn 't that amazing ? I know an awful lot of people don 't recognise a ' god ' now , but even given that , so many people try to be what they are not . They try to be something different , whether it is outside pressure or inside pressure that causes it . But if everyone could acknowledge , accept and work with their own , personal strengths and try to be the best they can be with them , the world would truly be set on fire . The difficulty is saying ' no ' when people try to persuade you to be what you are not . The skill is having the personal perception to know when to say no and when to say yes . I know I haven 't got it right yet . Have you ? It 's a bit cold at the moment . I have the back doors open to air the house as I always do in spring , summer and autumn ( weather permitting ) and I think I 'm going to have to close them again soon as the house feels very cold indeed . So , today ! Wall to wall telly , I suspect . It will give me the ideal opportunity to get up to speed with my ironing - I usually iron and watch telly at the same time . There 's this wedding happening somewhere , isn 't there ? That should provide a nice background and I am rather looking forward to the music during the ceremony . Oh , and seeing what The Dress and The Flowers are like , of course . Apart from that , I have some plants to get into the garden . Last weekend dad dropped off some sunflowers ( for the right hand side bed ) , some delphiniums ( blue ) for the front , because a bit of height is needed there and some cosmos which can go anywhere there 's a space . And then my summer planting is more or less complete . The rosemary cuttings I took last week haven 't died yet - in fact , they 're not even drooping , so I 'm still hoping . Also I have a bit of a nice little bush that is a sort of domed shape with attractive yellow bracts in spring so I need to get that in as well . And everything needs a bit of tidying up . I 'm very bad at digging up surplus plants when they 've self seeded , etc , and the middle bed just looks a bit messy really . Must get my act together ! And I have just remembered , I have an oregano that I must get into the herb area and a couple of lupins too ( not in the herb bed though ) ! I must definitely do some gardening ! Photo : The bush with the yellow thingies . Someone will know what it 's called ! I 'm writing this with a great sense of relaxed satisfaction , having treated myself to the DVD of the Voyage of the Dawn Treader this afternoon and watched it through this evening . I do love those Narnia books and I thoroughly enjoyed this adaptation , much more so than Prince Caspian . It felt more like the original Lion , the Witch and the Wardrobe . I 'm doing nothing now . Well , nothing that involves work anyway . Four days of sheer idleness looms before me . Behind me trails a simply lovely day - week , in fact . I wouldn 't want school to be like that all the time . One needs routines and timetables . But now and again it 's a delight to children and staff alike . The sight and sound of the whole school sitting in the field , waving their union flags and singing Land of Hope and Glory and God Save the Queen ( twice as it wasn 't loud enough the first time ) brought tears to many an adult eye and , I hope , will have given the children an experience they will remember for a long time to come . As for tomorrow , well , I will boringly be doing what at least 90 % of the country will be doing and watching ' The Wedding ' , with all the fuss and bother that surrounds it . We were going to have a cul - de - sac party but no - one had the time and / or energy to get it organised . A shame , but we 're all busy witches down here . And that wedding needs to be watched ! Happy Royal Wedding to you all ! Just writing this very quickly at lunch time . Today is turning out to be a lovely , lovely day with lots of fun , colour and laughter . Champagne and cake this afternoon ( really lemonade and cake ! ) We ought to have royal weddings more often ! I woke up with a start this morning , remembering that yesterday evening I had been boiling up a lamb bone to make a hotpot . What I couldn 't remember was turning the heat off . Oh , no ! So I rushed downstairs to find that I must have turned it off because there it was , fat hardened on the top ready for lifting off ( which I did ) , with a jelly - looking stock . I 'll deal with that before school and get it all into the freezer ! Today is a madly busy day . We race from one area of the curriculum to another with no time to hang around . Reading revelry , family assembly , ICT suite , library and half an hour 's PPA , crowned with playground duty in the afternoon ! Phew . And then , after school , K and I go to the very last Makaton session . At least we think it is the very last session , although we 're not totally sure . Whether it is or not , if it 's as good as the last one , we will be happy . Better go . I have lamb to sort out , a map to prepare , spelling homework to do and a myriad of other bits and bobs . Roll on Friday ! Photo : more flowers at Milton Keynes And here we are at the end of the first of the three working days this week . The children have learnt about the succession ( very simply ) , they can now colour the union flag , they can sing ( sort of ) the first verse of our National Anthem and they have all been crowned princes and princesses after making their own symmetrical crowns ! Tomorrow - well , tomorrow has an awful lot of pre - arranged stuff . ICT suite , library , etc , but even so it should be great ! Something to remember about today - I went into school with around 42 cupcakes and came home with none ! Great ! ! ! Photo : rosemary for remembrance . . . and it 's back to school for tens of thousands of teachers and millions of children today . Three days worth of work on the royal family , weddings , etc . . . My imagination is boggling mightily at the thought ! Yesterday was very pleasant . Sunny and warm but with a very fresh breeze that stopped it from getting in the least bit uncomfortable . I had a most pleasant time sitting out in the garden with an old friend , chatting about this and that and generally catching up with each other 's news . Apart from that the highlight of the day ( sad me ) was a programme on George Martin which started at none so by ten I was falling asleep and couldn 't finish watching it . Hopefully I can see the rest on iPlayer later on this week . Well - better go and sort out the last bits of planning ! Back to the old grindstone ! Photo : taken in the garden yesterday - such pretty faces ! . . . just to say that the fridge is now filled to overflowing with cupcakes ! All forty or so of them , a couple of which will be consumed when a friend comes round for a cuppa this afternoon . After umming and ahing about the sort of decorations to use , I finished off the sugar paste flowers I made over the weekend and then just piped butter icing on the rest and topped with mini eggs . After all , my birthday was on Easter Sunday . They look nice but were quick to do . Here 's a bit of useless information for you . The last time Easter Sunday was on April 24th was in 1859 and the next time , assuming the way Easter is dated stays the same , will be 2095 . So yesterday , for me , was pretty unique . Photo : Perennial wallflower , now flourishing nicely in the garden ! moreThe last day of the Easter Holidays . Back to work tomorrow ( for three days ) so I really ought to do some formal planning today , I guess . Of course , I won 't be in class until the afternoon because of PPA , etc , but my cover does need some idea of what to do ! Apart from that , I have a mound of washing as tall as the shed to get under control , with the resulting ironing afterwards . If it 's hot again ( and I hope it will be ) I will put it all out to dry in the sun . And finally there 's the matter of a few cupcakes to make and ice . At school we have a tradition that the birthday girl ( or boy ) provides cakes or other goodies for playtime . Of course , me being me , it has to be cupcakes ! I was very pleased to find that for the first time in over a week I was able to sleep on my side . Sleeping on my side is my favourite and , usually , most comfortable position , but over this last week I 've not been able to as it was just painful . Last night it was OK again , thank goodness . Well , I 'd better get going or I won 't get it all done . Photo : More birthday flowers . All my lovely family guests have arrived safely home , which is good news . The barbecue was nice too - nothing amazingly lavish or special , but I always love it when DS , DD and DG come round . And now I am on my own , revelling in the warmth and the quietness . The traffic noise is minimal , the barbecues in the gardens either side have calmed down and there is an atmosphere of peace and contentment which does my soul the world of good . It 's been warm but not humid like yesterday , and there 's a cool freshness in the air that revives the spirit . A perfectly lovely Easter Sunday / birthday . I am utterly content and very grateful . Photo : a shot of some tulips that L gave me for a birthday pressie . And Dad gave me a tip to stop them from drooping over . You push a pin right through the stem , just under the flower ( and then pull it back out again , of course ) . I was dubious but did so and they 're all perfectly upright , even the stems that were drooping before . Amazing ! Much to my annoyance , I was awake at extremely stupid o ' clock so have come down to see if a bit of up - ness makes a difference . Yesterday was quite successful , food wise . The lamb was absolutely delicious and I will reproduce the recipe below , which I concocted after reading a number of suggestions online . For dessert I made a hot cross bun bread and butter pudding and that was rather tasty too . This is how I did the lamb . I put a very good sloosh of white wine into a roasting dish big enough to hold the leg of lamb ( about 1 to 1 . 5 cm depth ) . Then I added a lamb stock cube , one carrot cut into chunks and one red onion peeled and cut into wedges and placed the lot in the oven which I 'd just turned up to 180 C . While that was all heating up , I prepared the lamb . Using my hands I smeared butter over the lamb , then did the same with some garlic puree , massaging it all in well ( quite messt but therapeutic ) . Over the top I placed some sprigs of fresh rosemary and a good grinding of black pepper . I took the dish out of the oven , placed the leg of lamb over the wine and vegetables , covered the whole dish with some foil , making sure it was completely sealed and popped it back in the oven which I immediately turned down to about 160 C - ish . That was it , really , until about four hours later . I checked and basted once , but it wasn 't really necessary . After about four hours or so I moved the lamb , now very tender , into another dish , removed the rosemary , turned the oven up to 200 C and crisped up the outside of the lamb for about 20 mins or so . There was plenty of delicious stock in the first dish and I made gravy with that by reducing it down a little and thickening it - that 's all it needed . It went down a treat , compliments all round , and plenty left over to make other stuff - hotpot , shepherds pie , lamb in orange sauce and the like ! The dessert was lifted wholesale from a Tesco recipe . The only difference was that I had some runny honey that was losing its runny so I warmed that up and used it instead of the castor sugar . You can fPosted by Another bright day promises for today although the nights are April - cool and the baby yellow courgettes need to be tucked in every night still . I 'm looking forward to sitting out again today , feet up , unchallenging reading and cold drink within easy reach . Is this what retirement is like , I wonder ? I 'm also looking forward to a nice food day . Home boiled gammon ham and salad for lunch and then roast lamb with the trimmings this evening . I know it 's all wrong , the lamb should be for tomorrow traditionally , but some of my guests will be leaving tomorrow morning so I gave the choice and lamb today was the result . Tomorrow will be barbecue and , if the weather is bad , indoor barbecue without the barbecue ! I rarely roast a leg of lamb . It 's not worth it just for me . So when I can , it 's a bit of an unknown quality , not to mention expensive , and I will be googling to get precise instructions . Yes , I know I could just bung it in and take it out again , but I need timings as well . Good old Google , where * would * we be without it , eh ? A friend mentioned a recipe involving bread and butter pudding made with hot cross buns . Sounds good to me so I will google for that too and see what comes up . Wish me luck ! Photo : More from the OUSA Conference . I went shopping . You know how you get that sense of panic when the shops are going to be closed ? You know , like that one day over Christmas - or Easter Sunday ? Well , Morrisons was fairly buzzing , what with Easter food , barbecue food and getting double because the shop will be shut on Sunday ! ! I wanted to get a leg of lamb . I looked on the fresh meat counter . No lamb . Oh , dear . I went to the wrapped meat . Nothing big enough . Double oh dear . So I went back to the meat counter and asked and , from the chill room , the assistant produced a lovely big leg of lamb , just right for us with some left over for hotpot / shepherds pies , etc . I was going to do fish and oven chips for the other main meal but it 's such lovely weather that I got some stuff to barbecue . If the weather turns bad it can be mixed grill instead . I really think I have enough to see us through now , without worrying about starvation ! Hope you 're all having a lovely Easter so far . Photo : Wallflower at Walton Hall Wishing you all a very good Good Friday . The weather looks promising yet again : it 's right and cheerful outside although the garden really could do with some rain . It 's warm and looks to get warmer as the day goes on . I 'm bustling about getting the house ready for a family get together later on . We 're having take away Chinese , which everyone likes , and I must remember to get down to the Chinese takeaway place at lunchtime to put in my order for delivery later on . I feel I 'm still recovering from last weekend . I keep feeling waves of tiredness and the back is preventing me from sleeping at times overnight . It 's an awful lot better than it was most of the time but I think the lying still in one position is making it stiffen and then be a bit sore . Never mind , there will be plenty of opportunity to keep moving next week when I 'm back at school . I had lunch out with a friend yesterday and it was great catching up on all the news and views . The food was quite good too - bacon and brie melt with a salad full of variety and flavour - extremely good value , given that it wasn 't that expensive - under a tenner for both of us , including drinks ( diet pepsis ) . Well , better get on , I suppose . The work won 't do itself , unfortunately ! Photo : doorway at the side of Walton Hall . It 's quite chilly right now but I guess it will brighten up and be like yesterday . Wasn 't it a glorious day ? Sunny , bright , warm , perfect for sitting out in the garden - so I did for a while although I felt a bit guilty as there was so much to do ! What really amused me was that all through the day Google weather showed as pouring with rain here . They got that slightly wrong ! Today is a busy day . Housework this morning , then out to lunch with DD followed by coffee with a friend . George is coming to tidy up the garden for me this morning , which it does need ! Hopefully it will be a gentle and productive day . Photo : Daisies at Milton Keynes . I know they 're weeds but they 're so pretty ! . . . ouch and triple ouch . I have no idea what I 've done but my back has been killing me ! : 0 ) It started on Friday , although I 've had minor twinges for ages ( age related , I am sure ) , got worse through Friday , lasted over the weekend ( so I was zonked out with pain killers all the time ) and now it just hurts on and off so movements have to be gentle and un - sudden ! It could be a lot worse though , so end of moan ! It was interesting to see a little bit of my university campus . It 's huge , much bigger than I expected . Being mainly a distance learning institution , I was kind of expecting quite a small place but , while it is undoubtedly a lot smaller than a ' real - life ' uni , it 's still pretty big , especially when you take into account the lack of student accomodation on site . There are some interesting buildings too - Walton Hall itself is rather nice ( from the outside , I have no idea about inside ) and the Cedar statue is amazing close up . I 've Googled but can 't find any information but , from what I remember , a lovely cedar tree on the lawn to the side of Walton Hall was damaged and dying , and it has been carved into a rather impressive statue . I really only saw a very small part of the campus although , just before we left , Dan and Sue took me on a drive around the outside of the campus and showed me various bits and pieces of interest . I particularly loved the venting pipes that have been arranged over a roof so that they look like a giant 's fingers . Very funny ! Thanks very much to the two of you for everything . Photos : The tree carving OK , so OUSA - the Open University Students ' Association - represents all OU students , both here and overseas . This last weekend was the annual Conference , at the OU campus in Milton Keynes , staying at Kents Hill Park . I 'm not an activist , but I do help to moderate some of the OUSA conferences on FirstClass and this weekend I was awardedHonorary Life Membership for this , which was nice . It was a very interesting time , lots of significant decisions were made and it felt good to be a part of it all , even though I wasn 't a delegate so couldn 't vote . Photo : Flowers at Walton Hall . Apologies for the three days of silence . I 've been at the Open University Students ' Association annual Conference and have had a great time . I 'll post again later on and tell you more ! It 's another dull and chilly morning at the moment . The back window is open to air the house but it won 't stay open for long or the heating will click on ! Today is also another busy day . Looking after DG before buzzing off to Letchworth , so I have a rapidly increasing little list of things to take ! I also have a kitchen that needs some serious attention so I 'd better get that done now ! Photo : Some new planting Another chilly morning but the air is lovely so the door and window are open anyway . It 's not so bright today , there 's no sun and the forecast is for some rain which the garden does need desperately so can 't complain too much . Today is busy . I need to get ready for my visit to the OUSA Conference at the weekend , I must get the washing and ironing finished , I have some cards to make , I need to order some tickets for a show and I have a hair appointment at 12 : 30 . All go , innit ? So better have my bath and get dressed . Photo : where hostas are , can slugs be far behind ? ( aka where 's the pellets ? ) Ooops , it 's late , isn 't it . So sorry , I think the holiday is getting to me . I 've been very lazy again today after a slightly more energetic day yesterday . Still in bed clothes at nearly one o ' clock is pretty slapdash ! I do intend to get dressed at some point - I have to if I 'm to get to Hobbycraft , which I need to do to get some stuff . But maybe not just yet ! Potter , potter , potter . . . Photo : Nice and cheerful , taken last year . Am I rushing around getting stuff ready ? Am I arriving at school ? Am I going to the school library to collect the Reading Revelry books ? Am I getting the smart board ready ? Am I chasing up the assembly hymn ? Am I rapidly marking the few diaries I didn 't get done last week ? No , I am not . It 's HOLIDAY ( and will be for another fifteen days ! ) YAYAY ! Today : taking DG to his club , going to B & Q and Wyvale ( no , didn 't get it done yesterday ) , rootling in the chest freezer for something to try in Handy Andy ( I may be gone some time ) , deciding what to take to Conference next weekend and making sure it is clean and respectable . . . and maybe sorting out the shed . You never know . What a lovely sunny day it was yesterday but , actually , despite the sun , none too warm at times . Also , the evenings still get chilly and overnight too . This morning I threw open the French window and within five minutes it was closed again - just a bit too chilly for comfort , although I am sure it will all warm up soon . It should be a good day . Photo : taken last June Lamb leg steak . High rack , started off at 200C , then reduced to a little less after about ten minutes when it was turned over . Absolutely scrummy . Sadly , after a great sleep over Friday night / Saturday morning , last night 's sleep was not so good . I 'm not sure why . Perhaps it was because I stayed up comparatively late watching the Andrew Lloyd - Webber programme on ITV . It 's rare for this to happen so maybe the old brain was over active . However , with no school , no planning , no pressures , I can make up for that during the day , if necessary . I was mortified yesterday . George came to do his hour of gardening and I asked him to mow the front ' lawn ' ( cough , cough ) which really did need doing . Unfortunately , over the winter months the mower has been covered by a load of stuff and had to be dug out ! So today I need to take everything out of the shed , give the floor a good sweep over and reorganise the contents so that things are accessible again . I didn 't make my trip to the garden centre , so I have that to do as well . Those should keep me occupied for some time and then therer 's always R & R . Photo : taken in a garden For once , just for once , I had a lie in this morning . For me , to sleep until after six is very much a lie in and I feel so much better for it too . Usually , for the first few days of a holiday , I wake tired and continue tired . While I 'm sure tiredness will come , at the moment I feel invigorated , partly fuelled by the sun which is already shining encouragingly . I have promised myself a time in the garden today , not working but sitting in my recliner , reading and relaxing . Sounds good , doesn 't it ? Something very sad has happened . My lovely bay bush has not survived the winter . All the leaves are drying up and dropping . Such a great shame as I use it quite a lot . So one job today is to harvest the remaining leaves and pop them in the freezer . Then , at some point this week , I must get myself down to the garden centre and stock up on herbs . I want some mint , although I seem to be immediate death to mint but keep on trying anyway , as well as a bay replacement . Also my purple sage is so terribly overgrown and woody now it needs replacing also . And I have to get some rooting powder and some little pots for the cuttings I intend to take from the rosemary . I 'm dithering about whether to go to the Writtle Ag shop or to somewhere like Wyvale or B & Q . Writtle is a lot closer ( and I do like supporting local enterprises ) and I should find parking , and their stuff is good but more expensive . The other two are more of a journey but will have a much greater variety ( especially Wyvale ) and won 't cost so much , but will be crowded and parking might be a pain , despite a huge car park . Decisions , decisions ! I braved a steak in Handy Andy last night . I 'm one of those Philistines who likes their meat properly cooked through and this can be difficult with steak . When cooked long enough , it can be dry and tough and chewy in the wrong way . So I approached the whole thing with trepidation . A piece of rump steak went onto the high rack and 200 was set . I can 't exactly recall the timing because it was a question of do it and see , but again HandJoy . . . and it 's the end of term . Really the end . . . phew . OK so I reckon it doesn 't REALLY start until Monday but I don 't care , I 'm celebrating anyway , with a Handy Andy steak and a glass or several of alcoholic grape juice . It 's been an interesting day . First of all K and I were going through some job applications after the head had done the first bit . Then I was invited to the Grand Opening of the Clever Cupcakes Cafe in year 2 ( a Mantle of the Expert project ) and treated to a cupcake ( and very nice it was too ! ) . Then it was more job application stuff . After lunch I had some IEPs to read through and comment on . It was a pretty leisurely process , I have to admit . Everyone seemed to be on go slow , so I reckoned I couldn 't do better than to join them ! One really nice thing - my wonderful team had cottoned on that it 's my birthday during the holiday so they pre - empted things by giving me a few prezzies and a card signed by all the children . It was lovely ! ! ! Thanks so much L , K and A . And my alarm clock is officially turned off now . Not that it ever wakes me , but for the next seventeen days there 's no way it 's going to be on ! Paragraph photo : taken in Somerset last year ! At some point this week I stubbed my toe . Not an unusual occurence really do I hear you say , gentle reader . However this stub , although I do not recall it , must have been quite a stub , well beyond the usual , because yesterday , when I put on my school shoes ( after a day of not wearing any shoes because of being off work , ill ) , my initial reaction was a huge ' ouch ' as the black and blue bruise reacted with the end of my shoe , usually so comfortable ( are Hotter shoes ever any less than comfortable ? ) . I had to go to school wearing some old and very battered but much more easy shoes . Today was the same . However , this evening , when I inspected the aforementioned toe , I saw that the black and blue had faded to pinky - red and I could touch it without too much of an an ' ouch ' reaction . Maybe tomorrow I can wear the usual , rerasonably smart , not too battered school shoes . Fingers crossed - or do I mean toes ? : 0 ) Today has been good . For a start I 've been feeling stronger and stronger as the day has progressed . Secondly , the sun has shone brilliantly all day , it 's been warm and comfortable and I still have my patio window open to catch the remains of the sunny fragrance . And finally I have indulged in some rump steak and a lamb leg steak to test Handy Andy 's capabilities . Sadly , after lunch at the pub over the road to commemorate K 's birthday last week , I 'm still full up , so the test will have to wait . No - it was not a liquid lunch , what a thought . But the tuna and cheese melt baguette was more than filling and the diet pepsi was very nice too . So - one more day to go before the end of term . One more day before I can turn my alarm clock off for seventeen days ( not that it ever wakes me , but it 's a safety net ) . One more day before I can forget about planning , marking and evaluations for a short time ( apart from starting the end of year reports , of course ) . One more day before my thoughts turn to cupboards that need tidying , spare rooms that need making up and kitchens that need a thorough cleaning . Do you notice the missing chore ? Paragraph photo : some flower photo from last April . . . a bit out of focus but quite pretty . . Where did yesterday 's entry go ? I know I posted one . How very strange - so sorry if you popped in looking for it . First of all a Handy Andy update : he cooks sausages really well . Lower rack , temperature at 200 , under half an hour , beautifully browned all over with just one turning . Must treat myself to a steak at some point and give that a go ! I was back at school yesterday , tired and wobbly but OK really . It turned out to be a very pleasant day , although I got very frustrated with the littlies in maths , where they were just so slow . I suppose that 's unfair of me , they 're tired , just like me , and would much rather have been playing out in the glorious sunshine . It was lovely , wasn 't it ? Warm , sunny and fresh . I was on afternoon play duty and it was so pleasant , several colleagues came out to enjoy the sunshine too . I have read somewhere that they expect it to continue for a few weeks - fingers crossed for that all the way through the Easter break ! In yesterday 's blog entry , the one that seems to have taken a wrong turning and got lost in hyperspace , I went on rather about something I 've taken on . Recorder Club ! Yes , I 'm nuts ! ! However , it was rather satisfying to dig out all my old teaching resources and update them when I started feeling a bit better on Tuesday afternoon . Actually , I 've just had a thought - maybe this missing entry is resting in the ' edit ' section , awaiting a final send . When I 've sent this , I 'll check and see . . . so if it appears you will know what happened ! Unconnected paragraph photo : rather pretty flowers from DDs garden last year . . . . and it 's back to school today . Unfortunately I had something of a wakeful night after sleeping rather a lot yesterday , but it wasn 't a poorly awakeness it was just that my brain was too alert really . Being off was a bit of a pain in more than one way . I missed PPA , I missed an assessment meeting , I missed saying goodbye to one of my littlies who won 't be back until after Easter . On the other hand , by the afternoon I was feeling a fair bit stronger and was able to get on with some updating of my recorder stuff . You see , I have done something very silly . I have offered to take over a recorder club ! I used to have a number of recorder clubs in the days when I was floating SEN teacher . Though I say it myself , they did pretty well and a number of them also had small group or individual lessons from me . A small number even achieved up to grade 5 . It was pretty time consuming as you mnay well imagine and when I went back into class teaching I simply didn 't have the time to sustain that level of involvement , so gradually it all died down . However , over the years I had developed quite a lot of teaching materials , using my own common sense and my lovely music software from Braeburn Publishing , Music Publisher 5 ( now an old version but it suits me fine ) . So I spent the afternoon digging out my old stuff which had been archived on CD and updating it . So now I have the first two tuition books renewed , printed and ready for photocopying . Keep your fingers crossed for me ! Unconnected photo for paragraphing : a view in Norfolk . . . and I 'm off school with this tummy bug that 's doing the rounds . I wasn 't terribly well over Sunday night with cramps , but went into school because I could ( as teachers do ) . It was OK , more or less , until the afternoon when I started feeling rotten again , to the extent that I went to see the head about coming into school today or not . As supply is easier to get the day before , we made a decision there and then , which I was grateful for really . So here I am , feeling a bit rotten and very guilty ( it goes with the job , you see , does guilt ) . Further experimentation of Handy Andy 's potential is therefore off the cards until my system settles . There 's chicken left over from Sunday which will be fine either on its own or with something gentle on the tum , so no need to cook anything else for now . But I 'd like to try sausages at some point , and also fish , either in foil / paper , or left open . The chicken didn 't dry out at all , so it would be good to see if fish also cooks as well . Paragraph photo : pretty leaves . Five more days before the end of term . We are all hanging on in there now , weary and worn out . Just five days . . . The Handy Andy roast chicken was most successful . I did 20 mins at 200 , then turned it over and did another 20 minutes at 200 , then right way up again for about ten minutes , all on the low rack and with the extension ring . It was absolutely delicious and I 'm looking forward to chicken salad for my dinner tonight I also had some frozen roasties but found that the high rack wasn 't tall enough and wouldn 't balance on the chicken safely . So i did them afterwards , turning the heat up and popping the chicken in the oven with the plate , just to stay warm . Definitely one to do again . Now I need to think what next . I 've done ham , I 've done chicken . Maybe a lamb leg steak . Paragraph photo : Roses in the garden . It looks as if it is going to be a truly lovely day today . the sun is shining , the air is fresh but not cold and there 's just a little movement in the air . Time to dust off a summer skirt , I reckon . I don 't think I 'll be doing cupcakes in Handy Andy . They seem to rise in a funny way , like a sort of ' shelf ' rather than doming and I 'm not sure about the texture either . But I 'm quite excited about the roast chicken . I did the usual cover with bacon ( and the ham skin from yesterday ham joint ) and wrapped it all up in foil , then read some recipes . It seems that the bacon fat , etc , is not needed , it just roasts directly on the low rack and one can turn it over half way , if one wants . Interesting ! We will see . Apart from that little excitement , it 's planning , ironing and generally chilling today . I wonder what 's on the telly to accompany the ironing . Unconnected photo : more from the parents ' garden ! What a lovely day it has been . Warm , sunny , packed with friendship and such a lovely , gentle , pink sunset to finish it all off . Perfect . It looks as if something has gone really wrong with the formatting in here and I cannot use / create paragraphs unless I post a photo . So be it - the photos may not be relevant , they may be old , but at least they mean my gentle readers are not presented with a solid wodge of text ( I sincerely hope ) ! And a splash of colour never goes amiss , does it ? Handy Andy triumphed again this evening , heating a pizza beautifully without drying it up and making no mess whatsoever . More and more am I convinced that this was a Good Buy . He heated the pizza in the time it would have taken to just pre - heat the oven at considerably more cost . Lunch was lovely . The OU is based on distance learning and , mostly , that is what it remains , but it 's always great to meet up with people I count as friends , even though I have never met them face to face . Sue , Jen and Kevin were lovely , we had a great chat and giggle together and I 've had a really super day . Thanks very much , all of you . Let 's do it again sometime . This weekend feels odd . Every weekend at this time in the last goodness knows how many years has either been the beginning of the Easter Holidays or even half way through . This year there 's one more week . Strangely , I feel no urgency to get any planning done . That 's not good - the children are always happier when the lessons have been well planned , so I need to get my act together tomorrow . However , today has been a day off and it feels wonderful . Unconnected photo taken in my parents ' garden a couple of years ago ! Good for Handy Andy - the ham is delicious . Quite firm , easily carved and very juicy . Now I 'm wondering about cupcakes ! ! I might give it a go and if they 're a disaster there 's time to make more . Also I have been wet curing some belly pork all week as described in the wonderful Cottage Smallholder blog and want to try cooking a few slices of bacon for brekky . Diane gave me a great hint yesterday and that was to line the bottom with damp kitchen towel ( has to be damp otherwise it flies around ) . So it 's all go this morning , but worth it . Friends are coming for lunch and I 'm very much looking forward to it ! . . . and it 's not a Chinese and Chat after all . I arrived at school to find so many people saying they couldn 't make it for this reason or that , all very valid and understandable and , in a few cases , sad , plus a few others who are quite obviously not well and in no state to enjoy having to turn out this evening - well , I took the decision to postpone the evening until people are feeling better and on top of things again . It is disappointing but these things happen from time to time . The plus side is that I get an early night with the alarm clock turned off . Another plus is that I was going to take the food order to the Take - Away yesterday evening but I was so tired I decided to do it at lunch time today . Phew . . . And the third plus is that the downstairs is reasonably tidy ! Good when I am expecting friends for lunch tomorrow . Right now , Handy Andy is doing his best with a gammon joint . The house is starting to smell decidedly ' hammy ' , I have christened the extender ring and fingers crossed ! I reckon it 's going to take a lot longer than boiling , but the texture might be good . We will see . Walking home today I was very much struck by how green everything is suddenly looking . The trees , the grass , the bushes - all have the gentle verdant tint that raises the spirits and signposts the way to warmer things . Photo : More spring springing in the garden . . . . to my blog , Diary of a Teacher . It 's an inconsequentional ramble of my day by day life as a teacher / person . I don 't have much of a point to make but I hope that you enjoy reading . I have another blog , Teacher 's Recipes where I waffle on about recipes I have tried or invented . Please do go and take a look .

. . . and I 'm a right misery at present . After tossing and turning with tummy cramps all night , my back 's gone doolally again . It will wear off in time , of course , with help from the pills , but I 've cancelled today 's excursion to visit family . So I have a day with nothing planned which is just as well because I reckon I will need to sleep on and off quite a lot . See you later . . . Well , wasn 't that just beautiful . A radiant bride in a dress that one can only dream about , a church wonderfully decorated , music of beauty to bring tears to the eyes and a quote in the sermon that was just amazing . ' Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire . ' Isn 't that amazing ? I know an awful lot of people don 't recognise a ' god ' now , but even given that , so many people try to be what they are not . They try to be something different , whether it is outside pressure or inside pressure that causes it . But if everyone could acknowledge , accept and work with their own , personal strengths and try to be the best they can be with them , the world would truly be set on fire . The difficulty is saying ' no ' when people try to persuade you to be what you are not . The skill is having the personal perception to know when to say no and when to say yes . I know I haven 't got it right yet . Have you ? It 's a bit cold at the moment . I have the back doors open to air the house as I always do in spring , summer and autumn ( weather permitting ) and I think I 'm going to have to close them again soon as the house feels very cold indeed . So , today ! Wall to wall telly , I suspect . It will give me the ideal opportunity to get up to speed with my ironing - I usually iron and watch telly at the same time . There 's this wedding happening somewhere , isn 't there ? That should provide a nice background and I am rather looking forward to the music during the ceremony . Oh , and seeing what The Dress and The Flowers are like , of course . Apart from that , I have some plants to get into the garden . Last weekend dad dropped off some sunflowers ( for the right hand side bed ) , some delphiniums ( blue ) for the front , because a bit of height is needed there and some cosmos which can go anywhere there 's a space . And then my summer planting is more or less complete . The rosemary cuttings I took last week haven 't died yet - in fact , they 're not even drooping , so I 'm still hoping . Also I have a bit of a nice little bush that is a sort of domed shape with attractive yellow bracts in spring so I need to get that in as well . And everything needs a bit of tidying up . I 'm very bad at digging up surplus plants when they 've self seeded , etc , and the middle bed just looks a bit messy really . Must get my act together ! And I have just remembered , I have an oregano that I must get into the herb area and a couple of lupins too ( not in the herb bed though ) ! I must definitely do some gardening ! Photo : The bush with the yellow thingies . Someone will know what it 's called ! I 'm writing this with a great sense of relaxed satisfaction , having treated myself to the DVD of the Voyage of the Dawn Treader this afternoon and watched it through this evening . I do love those Narnia books and I thoroughly enjoyed this adaptation , much more so than Prince Caspian . It felt more like the original Lion , the Witch and the Wardrobe . I 'm doing nothing now . Well , nothing that involves work anyway . Four days of sheer idleness looms before me . Behind me trails a simply lovely day - week , in fact . I wouldn 't want school to be like that all the time . One needs routines and timetables . But now and again it 's a delight to children and staff alike . The sight and sound of the whole school sitting in the field , waving their union flags and singing Land of Hope and Glory and God Save the Queen ( twice as it wasn 't loud enough the first time ) brought tears to many an adult eye and , I hope , will have given the children an experience they will remember for a long time to come . As for tomorrow , well , I will boringly be doing what at least 90 % of the country will be doing and watching ' The Wedding ' , with all the fuss and bother that surrounds it . We were going to have a cul - de - sac party but no - one had the time and / or energy to get it organised . A shame , but we 're all busy witches down here . And that wedding needs to be watched ! Happy Royal Wedding to you all ! Just writing this very quickly at lunch time . Today is turning out to be a lovely , lovely day with lots of fun , colour and laughter . Champagne and cake this afternoon ( really lemonade and cake ! ) We ought to have royal weddings more often ! I woke up with a start this morning , remembering that yesterday evening I had been boiling up a lamb bone to make a hotpot . What I couldn 't remember was turning the heat off . Oh , no ! So I rushed downstairs to find that I must have turned it off because there it was , fat hardened on the top ready for lifting off ( which I did ) , with a jelly - looking stock . I 'll deal with that before school and get it all into the freezer ! Today is a madly busy day . We race from one area of the curriculum to another with no time to hang around . Reading revelry , family assembly , ICT suite , library and half an hour 's PPA , crowned with playground duty in the afternoon ! Phew . And then , after school , K and I go to the very last Makaton session . At least we think it is the very last session , although we 're not totally sure . Whether it is or not , if it 's as good as the last one , we will be happy . Better go . I have lamb to sort out , a map to prepare , spelling homework to do and a myriad of other bits and bobs . Roll on Friday ! Photo : more flowers at Milton Keynes And here we are at the end of the first of the three working days this week . The children have learnt about the succession ( very simply ) , they can now colour the union flag , they can sing ( sort of ) the first verse of our National Anthem and they have all been crowned princes and princesses after making their own symmetrical crowns ! Tomorrow - well , tomorrow has an awful lot of pre - arranged stuff . ICT suite , library , etc , but even so it should be great ! Something to remember about today - I went into school with around 42 cupcakes and came home with none ! Great ! ! ! Photo : rosemary for remembrance . . . and it 's back to school for tens of thousands of teachers and millions of children today . Three days worth of work on the royal family , weddings , etc . . . My imagination is boggling mightily at the thought ! Yesterday was very pleasant . Sunny and warm but with a very fresh breeze that stopped it from getting in the least bit uncomfortable . I had a most pleasant time sitting out in the garden with an old friend , chatting about this and that and generally catching up with each other 's news . Apart from that the highlight of the day ( sad me ) was a programme on George Martin which started at none so by ten I was falling asleep and couldn 't finish watching it . Hopefully I can see the rest on iPlayer later on this week . Well - better go and sort out the last bits of planning ! Back to the old grindstone ! Photo : taken in the garden yesterday - such pretty faces ! . . . just to say that the fridge is now filled to overflowing with cupcakes ! All forty or so of them , a couple of which will be consumed when a friend comes round for a cuppa this afternoon . After umming and ahing about the sort of decorations to use , I finished off the sugar paste flowers I made over the weekend and then just piped butter icing on the rest and topped with mini eggs . After all , my birthday was on Easter Sunday . They look nice but were quick to do . Here 's a bit of useless information for you . The last time Easter Sunday was on April 24th was in 1859 and the next time , assuming the way Easter is dated stays the same , will be 2095 . So yesterday , for me , was pretty unique . Photo : Perennial wallflower , now flourishing nicely in the garden ! moreThe last day of the Easter Holidays . Back to work tomorrow ( for three days ) so I really ought to do some formal planning today , I guess . Of course , I won 't be in class until the afternoon because of PPA , etc , but my cover does need some idea of what to do ! Apart from that , I have a mound of washing as tall as the shed to get under control , with the resulting ironing afterwards . If it 's hot again ( and I hope it will be ) I will put it all out to dry in the sun . And finally there 's the matter of a few cupcakes to make and ice . At school we have a tradition that the birthday girl ( or boy ) provides cakes or other goodies for playtime . Of course , me being me , it has to be cupcakes ! I was very pleased to find that for the first time in over a week I was able to sleep on my side . Sleeping on my side is my favourite and , usually , most comfortable position , but over this last week I 've not been able to as it was just painful . Last night it was OK again , thank goodness . Well , I 'd better get going or I won 't get it all done . Photo : More birthday flowers . All my lovely family guests have arrived safely home , which is good news . The barbecue was nice too - nothing amazingly lavish or special , but I always love it when DS , DD and DG come round . And now I am on my own , revelling in the warmth and the quietness . The traffic noise is minimal , the barbecues in the gardens either side have calmed down and there is an atmosphere of peace and contentment which does my soul the world of good . It 's been warm but not humid like yesterday , and there 's a cool freshness in the air that revives the spirit . A perfectly lovely Easter Sunday / birthday . I am utterly content and very grateful . Photo : a shot of some tulips that L gave me for a birthday pressie . And Dad gave me a tip to stop them from drooping over . You push a pin right through the stem , just under the flower ( and then pull it back out again , of course ) . I was dubious but did so and they 're all perfectly upright , even the stems that were drooping before . Amazing ! Much to my annoyance , I was awake at extremely stupid o ' clock so have come down to see if a bit of up - ness makes a difference . Yesterday was quite successful , food wise . The lamb was absolutely delicious and I will reproduce the recipe below , which I concocted after reading a number of suggestions online . For dessert I made a hot cross bun bread and butter pudding and that was rather tasty too . This is how I did the lamb . I put a very good sloosh of white wine into a roasting dish big enough to hold the leg of lamb ( about 1 to 1 . 5 cm depth ) . Then I added a lamb stock cube , one carrot cut into chunks and one red onion peeled and cut into wedges and placed the lot in the oven which I 'd just turned up to 180 C . While that was all heating up , I prepared the lamb . Using my hands I smeared butter over the lamb , then did the same with some garlic puree , massaging it all in well ( quite messt but therapeutic ) . Over the top I placed some sprigs of fresh rosemary and a good grinding of black pepper . I took the dish out of the oven , placed the leg of lamb over the wine and vegetables , covered the whole dish with some foil , making sure it was completely sealed and popped it back in the oven which I immediately turned down to about 160 C - ish . That was it , really , until about four hours later . I checked and basted once , but it wasn 't really necessary . After about four hours or so I moved the lamb , now very tender , into another dish , removed the rosemary , turned the oven up to 200 C and crisped up the outside of the lamb for about 20 mins or so . There was plenty of delicious stock in the first dish and I made gravy with that by reducing it down a little and thickening it - that 's all it needed . It went down a treat , compliments all round , and plenty left over to make other stuff - hotpot , shepherds pie , lamb in orange sauce and the like ! The dessert was lifted wholesale from a Tesco recipe . The only difference was that I had some runny honey that was losing its runny so I warmed that up and used it instead of the castor sugar . You can fPosted by Another bright day promises for today although the nights are April - cool and the baby yellow courgettes need to be tucked in every night still . I 'm looking forward to sitting out again today , feet up , unchallenging reading and cold drink within easy reach . Is this what retirement is like , I wonder ? I 'm also looking forward to a nice food day . Home boiled gammon ham and salad for lunch and then roast lamb with the trimmings this evening . I know it 's all wrong , the lamb should be for tomorrow traditionally , but some of my guests will be leaving tomorrow morning so I gave the choice and lamb today was the result . Tomorrow will be barbecue and , if the weather is bad , indoor barbecue without the barbecue ! I rarely roast a leg of lamb . It 's not worth it just for me . So when I can , it 's a bit of an unknown quality , not to mention expensive , and I will be googling to get precise instructions . Yes , I know I could just bung it in and take it out again , but I need timings as well . Good old Google , where * would * we be without it , eh ? A friend mentioned a recipe involving bread and butter pudding made with hot cross buns . Sounds good to me so I will google for that too and see what comes up . Wish me luck ! Photo : More from the OUSA Conference . I went shopping . You know how you get that sense of panic when the shops are going to be closed ? You know , like that one day over Christmas - or Easter Sunday ? Well , Morrisons was fairly buzzing , what with Easter food , barbecue food and getting double because the shop will be shut on Sunday ! ! I wanted to get a leg of lamb . I looked on the fresh meat counter . No lamb . Oh , dear . I went to the wrapped meat . Nothing big enough . Double oh dear . So I went back to the meat counter and asked and , from the chill room , the assistant produced a lovely big leg of lamb , just right for us with some left over for hotpot / shepherds pies , etc . I was going to do fish and oven chips for the other main meal but it 's such lovely weather that I got some stuff to barbecue . If the weather turns bad it can be mixed grill instead . I really think I have enough to see us through now , without worrying about starvation ! Hope you 're all having a lovely Easter so far . Photo : Wallflower at Walton Hall Wishing you all a very good Good Friday . The weather looks promising yet again : it 's right and cheerful outside although the garden really could do with some rain . It 's warm and looks to get warmer as the day goes on . I 'm bustling about getting the house ready for a family get together later on . We 're having take away Chinese , which everyone likes , and I must remember to get down to the Chinese takeaway place at lunchtime to put in my order for delivery later on . I feel I 'm still recovering from last weekend . I keep feeling waves of tiredness and the back is preventing me from sleeping at times overnight . It 's an awful lot better than it was most of the time but I think the lying still in one position is making it stiffen and then be a bit sore . Never mind , there will be plenty of opportunity to keep moving next week when I 'm back at school . I had lunch out with a friend yesterday and it was great catching up on all the news and views . The food was quite good too - bacon and brie melt with a salad full of variety and flavour - extremely good value , given that it wasn 't that expensive - under a tenner for both of us , including drinks ( diet pepsis ) . Well , better get on , I suppose . The work won 't do itself , unfortunately ! Photo : doorway at the side of Walton Hall . It 's quite chilly right now but I guess it will brighten up and be like yesterday . Wasn 't it a glorious day ? Sunny , bright , warm , perfect for sitting out in the garden - so I did for a while although I felt a bit guilty as there was so much to do ! What really amused me was that all through the day Google weather showed as pouring with rain here . They got that slightly wrong ! Today is a busy day . Housework this morning , then out to lunch with DD followed by coffee with a friend . George is coming to tidy up the garden for me this morning , which it does need ! Hopefully it will be a gentle and productive day . Photo : Daisies at Milton Keynes . I know they 're weeds but they 're so pretty ! . . . ouch and triple ouch . I have no idea what I 've done but my back has been killing me ! : 0 ) It started on Friday , although I 've had minor twinges for ages ( age related , I am sure ) , got worse through Friday , lasted over the weekend ( so I was zonked out with pain killers all the time ) and now it just hurts on and off so movements have to be gentle and un - sudden ! It could be a lot worse though , so end of moan ! It was interesting to see a little bit of my university campus . It 's huge , much bigger than I expected . Being mainly a distance learning institution , I was kind of expecting quite a small place but , while it is undoubtedly a lot smaller than a ' real - life ' uni , it 's still pretty big , especially when you take into account the lack of student accomodation on site . There are some interesting buildings too - Walton Hall itself is rather nice ( from the outside , I have no idea about inside ) and the Cedar statue is amazing close up . I 've Googled but can 't find any information but , from what I remember , a lovely cedar tree on the lawn to the side of Walton Hall was damaged and dying , and it has been carved into a rather impressive statue . I really only saw a very small part of the campus although , just before we left , Dan and Sue took me on a drive around the outside of the campus and showed me various bits and pieces of interest . I particularly loved the venting pipes that have been arranged over a roof so that they look like a giant 's fingers . Very funny ! Thanks very much to the two of you for everything . Photos : The tree carving OK , so OUSA - the Open University Students ' Association - represents all OU students , both here and overseas . This last weekend was the annual Conference , at the OU campus in Milton Keynes , staying at Kents Hill Park . I 'm not an activist , but I do help to moderate some of the OUSA conferences on FirstClass and this weekend I was awardedHonorary Life Membership for this , which was nice . It was a very interesting time , lots of significant decisions were made and it felt good to be a part of it all , even though I wasn 't a delegate so couldn 't vote . Photo : Flowers at Walton Hall . Apologies for the three days of silence . I 've been at the Open University Students ' Association annual Conference and have had a great time . I 'll post again later on and tell you more ! It 's another dull and chilly morning at the moment . The back window is open to air the house but it won 't stay open for long or the heating will click on ! Today is also another busy day . Looking after DG before buzzing off to Letchworth , so I have a rapidly increasing little list of things to take ! I also have a kitchen that needs some serious attention so I 'd better get that done now ! Photo : Some new planting Another chilly morning but the air is lovely so the door and window are open anyway . It 's not so bright today , there 's no sun and the forecast is for some rain which the garden does need desperately so can 't complain too much . Today is busy . I need to get ready for my visit to the OUSA Conference at the weekend , I must get the washing and ironing finished , I have some cards to make , I need to order some tickets for a show and I have a hair appointment at 12 : 30 . All go , innit ? So better have my bath and get dressed . Photo : where hostas are , can slugs be far behind ? ( aka where 's the pellets ? ) Ooops , it 's late , isn 't it . So sorry , I think the holiday is getting to me . I 've been very lazy again today after a slightly more energetic day yesterday . Still in bed clothes at nearly one o ' clock is pretty slapdash ! I do intend to get dressed at some point - I have to if I 'm to get to Hobbycraft , which I need to do to get some stuff . But maybe not just yet ! Potter , potter , potter . . . Photo : Nice and cheerful , taken last year . Am I rushing around getting stuff ready ? Am I arriving at school ? Am I going to the school library to collect the Reading Revelry books ? Am I getting the smart board ready ? Am I chasing up the assembly hymn ? Am I rapidly marking the few diaries I didn 't get done last week ? No , I am not . It 's HOLIDAY ( and will be for another fifteen days ! ) YAYAY ! Today : taking DG to his club , going to B & Q and Wyvale ( no , didn 't get it done yesterday ) , rootling in the chest freezer for something to try in Handy Andy ( I may be gone some time ) , deciding what to take to Conference next weekend and making sure it is clean and respectable . . . and maybe sorting out the shed . You never know . What a lovely sunny day it was yesterday but , actually , despite the sun , none too warm at times . Also , the evenings still get chilly and overnight too . This morning I threw open the French window and within five minutes it was closed again - just a bit too chilly for comfort , although I am sure it will all warm up soon . It should be a good day . Photo : taken last June Lamb leg steak . High rack , started off at 200C , then reduced to a little less after about ten minutes when it was turned over . Absolutely scrummy . Sadly , after a great sleep over Friday night / Saturday morning , last night 's sleep was not so good . I 'm not sure why . Perhaps it was because I stayed up comparatively late watching the Andrew Lloyd - Webber programme on ITV . It 's rare for this to happen so maybe the old brain was over active . However , with no school , no planning , no pressures , I can make up for that during the day , if necessary . I was mortified yesterday . George came to do his hour of gardening and I asked him to mow the front ' lawn ' ( cough , cough ) which really did need doing . Unfortunately , over the winter months the mower has been covered by a load of stuff and had to be dug out ! So today I need to take everything out of the shed , give the floor a good sweep over and reorganise the contents so that things are accessible again . I didn 't make my trip to the garden centre , so I have that to do as well . Those should keep me occupied for some time and then therer 's always R & R . Photo : taken in a garden For once , just for once , I had a lie in this morning . For me , to sleep until after six is very much a lie in and I feel so much better for it too . Usually , for the first few days of a holiday , I wake tired and continue tired . While I 'm sure tiredness will come , at the moment I feel invigorated , partly fuelled by the sun which is already shining encouragingly . I have promised myself a time in the garden today , not working but sitting in my recliner , reading and relaxing . Sounds good , doesn 't it ? Something very sad has happened . My lovely bay bush has not survived the winter . All the leaves are drying up and dropping . Such a great shame as I use it quite a lot . So one job today is to harvest the remaining leaves and pop them in the freezer . Then , at some point this week , I must get myself down to the garden centre and stock up on herbs . I want some mint , although I seem to be immediate death to mint but keep on trying anyway , as well as a bay replacement . Also my purple sage is so terribly overgrown and woody now it needs replacing also . And I have to get some rooting powder and some little pots for the cuttings I intend to take from the rosemary . I 'm dithering about whether to go to the Writtle Ag shop or to somewhere like Wyvale or B & Q . Writtle is a lot closer ( and I do like supporting local enterprises ) and I should find parking , and their stuff is good but more expensive . The other two are more of a journey but will have a much greater variety ( especially Wyvale ) and won 't cost so much , but will be crowded and parking might be a pain , despite a huge car park . Decisions , decisions ! I braved a steak in Handy Andy last night . I 'm one of those Philistines who likes their meat properly cooked through and this can be difficult with steak . When cooked long enough , it can be dry and tough and chewy in the wrong way . So I approached the whole thing with trepidation . A piece of rump steak went onto the high rack and 200 was set . I can 't exactly recall the timing because it was a question of do it and see , but again HandJoy . . . and it 's the end of term . Really the end . . . phew . OK so I reckon it doesn 't REALLY start until Monday but I don 't care , I 'm celebrating anyway , with a Handy Andy steak and a glass or several of alcoholic grape juice . It 's been an interesting day . First of all K and I were going through some job applications after the head had done the first bit . Then I was invited to the Grand Opening of the Clever Cupcakes Cafe in year 2 ( a Mantle of the Expert project ) and treated to a cupcake ( and very nice it was too ! ) . Then it was more job application stuff . After lunch I had some IEPs to read through and comment on . It was a pretty leisurely process , I have to admit . Everyone seemed to be on go slow , so I reckoned I couldn 't do better than to join them ! One really nice thing - my wonderful team had cottoned on that it 's my birthday during the holiday so they pre - empted things by giving me a few prezzies and a card signed by all the children . It was lovely ! ! ! Thanks so much L , K and A . And my alarm clock is officially turned off now . Not that it ever wakes me , but for the next seventeen days there 's no way it 's going to be on ! Paragraph photo : taken in Somerset last year ! At some point this week I stubbed my toe . Not an unusual occurence really do I hear you say , gentle reader . However this stub , although I do not recall it , must have been quite a stub , well beyond the usual , because yesterday , when I put on my school shoes ( after a day of not wearing any shoes because of being off work , ill ) , my initial reaction was a huge ' ouch ' as the black and blue bruise reacted with the end of my shoe , usually so comfortable ( are Hotter shoes ever any less than comfortable ? ) . I had to go to school wearing some old and very battered but much more easy shoes . Today was the same . However , this evening , when I inspected the aforementioned toe , I saw that the black and blue had faded to pinky - red and I could touch it without too much of an an ' ouch ' reaction . Maybe tomorrow I can wear the usual , rerasonably smart , not too battered school shoes . Fingers crossed - or do I mean toes ? : 0 ) Today has been good . For a start I 've been feeling stronger and stronger as the day has progressed . Secondly , the sun has shone brilliantly all day , it 's been warm and comfortable and I still have my patio window open to catch the remains of the sunny fragrance . And finally I have indulged in some rump steak and a lamb leg steak to test Handy Andy 's capabilities . Sadly , after lunch at the pub over the road to commemorate K 's birthday last week , I 'm still full up , so the test will have to wait . No - it was not a liquid lunch , what a thought . But the tuna and cheese melt baguette was more than filling and the diet pepsi was very nice too . So - one more day to go before the end of term . One more day before I can turn my alarm clock off for seventeen days ( not that it ever wakes me , but it 's a safety net ) . One more day before I can forget about planning , marking and evaluations for a short time ( apart from starting the end of year reports , of course ) . One more day before my thoughts turn to cupboards that need tidying , spare rooms that need making up and kitchens that need a thorough cleaning . Do you notice the missing chore ? Paragraph photo : some flower photo from last April . . . a bit out of focus but quite pretty . . Where did yesterday 's entry go ? I know I posted one . How very strange - so sorry if you popped in looking for it . First of all a Handy Andy update : he cooks sausages really well . Lower rack , temperature at 200 , under half an hour , beautifully browned all over with just one turning . Must treat myself to a steak at some point and give that a go ! I was back at school yesterday , tired and wobbly but OK really . It turned out to be a very pleasant day , although I got very frustrated with the littlies in maths , where they were just so slow . I suppose that 's unfair of me , they 're tired , just like me , and would much rather have been playing out in the glorious sunshine . It was lovely , wasn 't it ? Warm , sunny and fresh . I was on afternoon play duty and it was so pleasant , several colleagues came out to enjoy the sunshine too . I have read somewhere that they expect it to continue for a few weeks - fingers crossed for that all the way through the Easter break ! In yesterday 's blog entry , the one that seems to have taken a wrong turning and got lost in hyperspace , I went on rather about something I 've taken on . Recorder Club ! Yes , I 'm nuts ! ! However , it was rather satisfying to dig out all my old teaching resources and update them when I started feeling a bit better on Tuesday afternoon . Actually , I 've just had a thought - maybe this missing entry is resting in the ' edit ' section , awaiting a final send . When I 've sent this , I 'll check and see . . . so if it appears you will know what happened ! Unconnected paragraph photo : rather pretty flowers from DDs garden last year . . . . and it 's back to school today . Unfortunately I had something of a wakeful night after sleeping rather a lot yesterday , but it wasn 't a poorly awakeness it was just that my brain was too alert really . Being off was a bit of a pain in more than one way . I missed PPA , I missed an assessment meeting , I missed saying goodbye to one of my littlies who won 't be back until after Easter . On the other hand , by the afternoon I was feeling a fair bit stronger and was able to get on with some updating of my recorder stuff . You see , I have done something very silly . I have offered to take over a recorder club ! I used to have a number of recorder clubs in the days when I was floating SEN teacher . Though I say it myself , they did pretty well and a number of them also had small group or individual lessons from me . A small number even achieved up to grade 5 . It was pretty time consuming as you mnay well imagine and when I went back into class teaching I simply didn 't have the time to sustain that level of involvement , so gradually it all died down . However , over the years I had developed quite a lot of teaching materials , using my own common sense and my lovely music software from Braeburn Publishing , Music Publisher 5 ( now an old version but it suits me fine ) . So I spent the afternoon digging out my old stuff which had been archived on CD and updating it . So now I have the first two tuition books renewed , printed and ready for photocopying . Keep your fingers crossed for me ! Unconnected photo for paragraphing : a view in Norfolk . . . and I 'm off school with this tummy bug that 's doing the rounds . I wasn 't terribly well over Sunday night with cramps , but went into school because I could ( as teachers do ) . It was OK , more or less , until the afternoon when I started feeling rotten again , to the extent that I went to see the head about coming into school today or not . As supply is easier to get the day before , we made a decision there and then , which I was grateful for really . So here I am , feeling a bit rotten and very guilty ( it goes with the job , you see , does guilt ) . Further experimentation of Handy Andy 's potential is therefore off the cards until my system settles . There 's chicken left over from Sunday which will be fine either on its own or with something gentle on the tum , so no need to cook anything else for now . But I 'd like to try sausages at some point , and also fish , either in foil / paper , or left open . The chicken didn 't dry out at all , so it would be good to see if fish also cooks as well . Paragraph photo : pretty leaves . Five more days before the end of term . We are all hanging on in there now , weary and worn out . Just five days . . . The Handy Andy roast chicken was most successful . I did 20 mins at 200 , then turned it over and did another 20 minutes at 200 , then right way up again for about ten minutes , all on the low rack and with the extension ring . It was absolutely delicious and I 'm looking forward to chicken salad for my dinner tonight I also had some frozen roasties but found that the high rack wasn 't tall enough and wouldn 't balance on the chicken safely . So i did them afterwards , turning the heat up and popping the chicken in the oven with the plate , just to stay warm . Definitely one to do again . Now I need to think what next . I 've done ham , I 've done chicken . Maybe a lamb leg steak . Paragraph photo : Roses in the garden . It looks as if it is going to be a truly lovely day today . the sun is shining , the air is fresh but not cold and there 's just a little movement in the air . Time to dust off a summer skirt , I reckon . I don 't think I 'll be doing cupcakes in Handy Andy . They seem to rise in a funny way , like a sort of ' shelf ' rather than doming and I 'm not sure about the texture either . But I 'm quite excited about the roast chicken . I did the usual cover with bacon ( and the ham skin from yesterday ham joint ) and wrapped it all up in foil , then read some recipes . It seems that the bacon fat , etc , is not needed , it just roasts directly on the low rack and one can turn it over half way , if one wants . Interesting ! We will see . Apart from that little excitement , it 's planning , ironing and generally chilling today . I wonder what 's on the telly to accompany the ironing . Unconnected photo : more from the parents ' garden ! What a lovely day it has been . Warm , sunny , packed with friendship and such a lovely , gentle , pink sunset to finish it all off . Perfect . It looks as if something has gone really wrong with the formatting in here and I cannot use / create paragraphs unless I post a photo . So be it - the photos may not be relevant , they may be old , but at least they mean my gentle readers are not presented with a solid wodge of text ( I sincerely hope ) ! And a splash of colour never goes amiss , does it ? Handy Andy triumphed again this evening , heating a pizza beautifully without drying it up and making no mess whatsoever . More and more am I convinced that this was a Good Buy . He heated the pizza in the time it would have taken to just pre - heat the oven at considerably more cost . Lunch was lovely . The OU is based on distance learning and , mostly , that is what it remains , but it 's always great to meet up with people I count as friends , even though I have never met them face to face . Sue , Jen and Kevin were lovely , we had a great chat and giggle together and I 've had a really super day . Thanks very much , all of you . Let 's do it again sometime . This weekend feels odd . Every weekend at this time in the last goodness knows how many years has either been the beginning of the Easter Holidays or even half way through . This year there 's one more week . Strangely , I feel no urgency to get any planning done . That 's not good - the children are always happier when the lessons have been well planned , so I need to get my act together tomorrow . However , today has been a day off and it feels wonderful . Unconnected photo taken in my parents ' garden a couple of years ago ! Good for Handy Andy - the ham is delicious . Quite firm , easily carved and very juicy . Now I 'm wondering about cupcakes ! ! I might give it a go and if they 're a disaster there 's time to make more . Also I have been wet curing some belly pork all week as described in the wonderful Cottage Smallholder blog and want to try cooking a few slices of bacon for brekky . Diane gave me a great hint yesterday and that was to line the bottom with damp kitchen towel ( has to be damp otherwise it flies around ) . So it 's all go this morning , but worth it . Friends are coming for lunch and I 'm very much looking forward to it ! . . . and it 's not a Chinese and Chat after all . I arrived at school to find so many people saying they couldn 't make it for this reason or that , all very valid and understandable and , in a few cases , sad , plus a few others who are quite obviously not well and in no state to enjoy having to turn out this evening - well , I took the decision to postpone the evening until people are feeling better and on top of things again . It is disappointing but these things happen from time to time . The plus side is that I get an early night with the alarm clock turned off . Another plus is that I was going to take the food order to the Take - Away yesterday evening but I was so tired I decided to do it at lunch time today . Phew . . . And the third plus is that the downstairs is reasonably tidy ! Good when I am expecting friends for lunch tomorrow . Right now , Handy Andy is doing his best with a gammon joint . The house is starting to smell decidedly ' hammy ' , I have christened the extender ring and fingers crossed ! I reckon it 's going to take a lot longer than boiling , but the texture might be good . We will see . Walking home today I was very much struck by how green everything is suddenly looking . The trees , the grass , the bushes - all have the gentle verdant tint that raises the spirits and signposts the way to warmer things . Photo : More spring springing in the garden . . . . to my blog , Diary of a Teacher . It 's an inconsequentional ramble of my day by day life as a teacher / person . I don 't have much of a point to make but I hope that you enjoy reading . I have another blog , Teacher 's Recipes where I waffle on about recipes I have tried or invented . Please do go and take a look .

There 's a sweet little grand baby sleeping softly upstairs , she asked me to wake her up as soon as I got up . I 'm going to have to tell her a little white lie . Not a huge one , but Gramma needs a few minutes of silence , a few minutes to think and process the world around me . A few minutes of nothing . After I have that I will gladly wake her , help her get showered and dressed and ready to face the world . It 's been a week . . . a long and pretty much horrible week . Hubster 's has been in the hospital since Sunday when I had to call an ambulance to come and get him . He 's a mess . I keep getting angrier at the silence from the doctors . And they simply keep loading him up with more pain medication , all the while he is losing more and more use of his leg and the medication is getting stronger and stronger . Frustration just might not be a strong enough word . Our little Angel did not realize Grampa was still in the hospital , she was here when he 'd gone , but she was sure I had brought him home when she came home from her visit to the hospital , on Tuesday . To put it mildly she was less than pleased with me for not keeping her more informed . I picked her up yesterday and took her with me on my return trip . Sadly , the amount of medication they are giving him now has him very dazed and out of it , but he sure recognized and slightly perked up when the Angel strolled in the room with her dinner and drink to enjoy some time with her Grampa . We made popcorn , " the old fashioned " way ( I have a popcorn popper ) . Her eyes about popped out of her head when it started popping . I have a Amish multi color mix of popcorn , it 's all different shades of white and yellow when it pops . Oh my goodness did that tickle her ! She was certain I was popping Indian Corn . Makes me wonder what she would have done if I had popped it on the stove ? It was precious time , we talked and talked . About favorite things , Grampa ( I believe that is her favorite subject ) , about school and dance , and how she feels about different people and their roles in her life . When I spend hours alone with her it reminds me of my boy when he was young . She fell asleep early , she wants to go back to the hospital to see that Grampa , she feels that she can hang around and cheer him up . I love it ! And I am glad she wants to go . Well . . . I know it 's short and a little bland , I 'm sorry . . . I simply feel a bit gutted and rushed . I am trying to finish a few minor chores before I wake her up and get us ready to go . The Hubs is having another bad morning if his text is any indication . . . And there is another round of snow on the way . . . Well hello Stranger . . . yep I read your mind . I know I haven 't written . And it sure isn 't about not having anything going on in life . Quite the opposite . It 's almost like too much life is going on , all the time . I rush around each morning so I can take care of all the pets in the mornings , pack lunches and fix breakfast , somehow I used to be able to do that for more than just two people . With ease . Not sure what happened along the way to now . Then I rush about all day trying to take care of everything in the hours that everyone has available . Work , doctors , therapy . . . everything is vying for that same span of time . Then rush home to start the same morning routine in reverse . Walk the boys , fix the dinner , clean up if I can scrape together enough energy and then take care of the turtle , lizard , love on the cat and it 's time to crash . Not a very fulfilling way to live , that 's for sure . The weather hasn 't been cooperating either . We had a few drop dead gorgeous early days and then it 's been a combination of bitter cold , snow , ice , bitter cold , freezing rain , snow , bitter cold . I guess you are following that . Normally not a problem , but this year , well it 's been a struggle . This year I realized that moving further from work , well , it simply takes some adjusting . I am struggling to find that happy medium . Right now it feels as though it simply isn 't going to happen . I am so thankful for my mini - me deciding that she needs to spend every other weekend with her Grampa and I . I forces me to slow down , to savor the important things in life . To laugh and be silly . I am afraid if I did not have that I would be border line crazy by now . Hubs is not healing . Oh the hip is great ! Absolutely wonderful in fact , full range of motion , probably works better that the other one . But it seems that I should have been insisting I attend all appointments with him . Because . . . well arthritic and necrotic are two very , very different things and the original problem has never been addressed because it was discovered the hip was necrotic and had to be dealt with immediately . And all the bed rest and therapy and the compensation while it 's healed has only aggravated the original problem to the point of unbelievable ! Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers , tomorrow morning we will take him to get a nerve block done on his L2 . If that works , please Lord , then we just need to chart the path forward for that . It will probably mean one more surgery , but . . . that should be it ! I hope so ! I hate seeing him in so much pain . And on the selfish side , I am tired . Very , very tired . I can 't imagine how caregivers of long term patients do it . My fibro has been fighting me like crazy , maybe if I didn 't have my own demons ? Who knows . But every step forward feels like 20 backward . I feel like it would be okay if this insanity had not invaded every inch of my life . If there was some area that was smooth and steady . I am struggling to even find quiet time for coffee . I mean come on coffee time should be sacred ! I 'm sitting here typing , looking out at the lingering snow , trying to ignore the fact that my phone just sent me another weather alert about the wind chill and listening to the non - stop sound of the turtle filter reminding me that I need to clean the tank today . Knowing I need to do my own physical therapy ( ugghhh - whole different list of " what the 's " ) , and regretting the fact that I couldn 't sleep last night . Please know I haven 't gone away . I just have such a limited amount of time to accomplish everything . I am so far behind on everything , I owe folks quilts , soaps , socks , a giraffe . I have more projects than I can budget time for at work , and I still haven 't finished unpacking . . . And all I long for is somewhere quiet with hot coffee and no to - do list . I guess it 's starting to get to me a bit . . . I hope that if you are in one of those snow covered area 's you are staying warm and safe . If you are enjoying the warmth of sunshine , please forgive the rest of us while we hate on you a bit . . . Slow down and enjoy the time with your families and loved ones . . . Sweet Hubs knows it is taxing me to my limits . Making me struggle with flares and simply wanting to just walk away from many things . He could simply ignore it , sooner or later I come to grips with things . But he doesn 't . He handles things so different . This morning as I hobbled down the stairs , cursing myself for not getting my knee / leg looked at , wincing at the pain each step caused , I am not good at taking time for myself and my own health . I was feeling less than optimistic about the day . It 'd promised to be an amazing one , but I was already tired and cranky . The ache had managed to rob me of most of the hours my eyes were closed , and the throbbing had already started for the day . Rounding the corner and not seeing hubby I realized he was down in his Man Cave ( or girl cave if you ask the grand baby ) , then I spied my coffee cup sitting innocently in front of the coffee pot . I couldn 't help but smile at the fact that it contained a nice dose of Buffalo Trace . Filling my cup and wandering down the stairs very slowly convinced me it was gonna be a slow one . As I sipped my hot , bourbon laced coffee , my sweet hubby listened to me think out loud . . . actually apologizing that I had gotten the last of the bourbon . He 'd given it to me and didn 't have any . He knew I loved to start my Saturday 's like that and he 'd unselfishly given it to me . He loves it to . It was a huge gift of love . Next the kitty knocked over the flowers he 'd bought me . Water everywhere . Including under the Valentine 's box he 'd tried to get me to open a few nights ago when my heart was so heavy and sore . As I panicked that whatever the brightly wrapped package contained could be damaged by the water , Hubby saw another opportunity to make me open it early . He quickly started insisting that I open it , that the water would ruin it and he would be so upset . In my haste to clean up and prevent damage I missed the cues that usually tell me I am being worked . Let me just say that I am 99 % sure that little bit of water was in NO way going to damage those boxes of carefully wrapped and sealed sponge candy . He 'd ordered me Romolo 's this time . Stefanelli 's is our normal kind , it was what I 'd remembered from growing up . We both had been curious every time someone from home would insist that we were not eating the right kind , we needed Romolo 's it was the original , the stuff I remembered . Okay , all those at home . . . You were right ! After limping to walk the boys and do a few things around the house I decided to take a hot bath in Epsom salts before the grand baby woke up . Hoping , praying actually that it would eliminate whatever was bothering my leg . Hubs was working on fixing the banister rail , it had finally given way and fallen off , something we were terribly afraid would happen when he 'd needed it most . It waited . Having my Mister Fix - It back is nice . I offered to help after finding the wood filler for him , instead he fixed me a nice hot bubble bath concoction . Epsom Salts , some essential oils and other things all designed to alleviate pain . But not to him . After he 'd finished fixing the rail . He spoiled and pampered me some more . I am sure not many women can say their hubby gave them a manicure and a pedicure . . . I can ! After he fixed breakfast with the grand baby , and he cleaned up the kitchen we got her ready for the day . We 'd planned to take her swimming . She 's got a bit of a cold . Why risk it ? Picnic lunch packed . Adventure bound . We headed up to Alton . It 's time for the eagles and we didn 't want to miss the beautiful day . He unselfishly allowed me a day of selfishness . A day I desperately needed . I got some amazing pictures of my grand baby , the eagles , him , the sunset and captured so many silly moments . We laughed we giggled . We sang travel songs and went back in time . When it was time for dinner . . . we chose an unlikely place . A small little hole in the wall looking place . Much laughter and fun later we 'd enjoyed an incredible dinner , met Bob the Cat , toasted with toast , giggled and laughed . The drive home with the sun setting provided us with many opportunities to pull off , take pictures , have tea on the banks of the Mississippi . All while dancing to Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars . In the failing sun we watch literally hundreds of eagles high above the bluffs and river soaring on the jet stream , their white chests glowing a beautiful red in reflection . We 'd stopped to see if the Mama Eagle on her nest was still there . She was only now she was hovered over it , tucked in for the night . A quick stop at the store for a few small things , Grand Baby needed a magazine she 's been looking for , and those boys needed food . And we headed home . This time I drove , Hubs leg was starting to complain quite a bit . Still he offered . Knowing I don 't see well in the dark and therefore do not like to drive at night . Shortly after arriving home he headed upstairs . Worn out , needing to stretch out . I am sitting up with the Grand , who informed us that she needed to spend the whole weekend with us - and we couldn 't be happier . I know she needs us , that we can give her a place to selfishly call her 's . The reality is that little girl sitting quietly at the end of the sofa reading her magazine . . . How many of you have ever felt that defining moment . The one that urges you to step back , take a look around and take a flying leap of faith ? How many have ever felt shoved to take a leap of faith ? I 've really been struggling with some decisions , I 've been dealing with mountains , trying to figure out how to scale them and not create big changes . Anyone that knows me , and knows me well , knows that change is really hard for me . Sitting in the Walgreen 's parking lot waiting for hubby 's prescription to be ready , while he was at home suffering in pain because he 'd done a bit too much on his first day back to work , I had my moment . Surfing the net , kicking back and just unwinding from several really high stress days . ( Yeah , that is another no - no for me - I know . ) Scrolling Facebook , checking emails , just your every day stuff you can do in a car while waiting . I should have been finishing my socks , then I might not have been quite so . . . so . . . well , I don 't even know if there are words for it . It was like a splash of ice water on a cold day . It was raw and biting . One simple message , one string of words . It was enough . It was my push . Walking my boys tonight , after I got home and took care of hubby , I had a whole bunch of words that I yelled into the cold evening air . I am not a confrontational person , I will usually take the road that doesn 't contain those obstacles . It 's easier on me . So I tend to spend my alone time saying things that I can 't bring myself to say out loud to another person . Hubby understood , he could definitely empathize , he greeted me at the door with a Jack and Coke . The girl and her little family was coming over for dinner and I needed to dry my tears , stop being an infant , and realize that not all people have the ability to be decent humans . I get it , I really do . Besides the Jack and Coke was calming . Almost as calming as the hugs and love from my family . Tomorrow is another day , and I will face it head on . Knowing that at some point the high road isn 't the one to take . That allowing others to crawl into and under your skin is not the way to proceed with life . It tears you up in little pieces , shreds your heart and soul . I am not willing to allow anyone to destroy me . Especially not someone that I have given so much time and energy to . Ironic end to a day that was escorted in with the most beautiful sunrise over a snow dusted landscape . . . . right now , my heart feels as cold and frozen as the ground outside . That biting bitter cold is defining me , I don 't like it . It 's not me . I will rise above it , sadly , I fear it will be like the phoenix . And dang I hate drama . . .

There 's a sweet little grand baby sleeping softly upstairs , she asked me to wake her up as soon as I got up . I 'm going to have to tell her a little white lie . Not a huge one , but Gramma needs a few minutes of silence , a few minutes to think and process the world around me . A few minutes of nothing . After I have that I will gladly wake her , help her get showered and dressed and ready to face the world . It 's been a week . . . a long and pretty much horrible week . Hubster 's has been in the hospital since Sunday when I had to call an ambulance to come and get him . He 's a mess . I keep getting angrier at the silence from the doctors . And they simply keep loading him up with more pain medication , all the while he is losing more and more use of his leg and the medication is getting stronger and stronger . Frustration just might not be a strong enough word . Our little Angel did not realize Grampa was still in the hospital , she was here when he 'd gone , but she was sure I had brought him home when she came home from her visit to the hospital , on Tuesday . To put it mildly she was less than pleased with me for not keeping her more informed . I picked her up yesterday and took her with me on my return trip . Sadly , the amount of medication they are giving him now has him very dazed and out of it , but he sure recognized and slightly perked up when the Angel strolled in the room with her dinner and drink to enjoy some time with her Grampa . We made popcorn , " the old fashioned " way ( I have a popcorn popper ) . Her eyes about popped out of her head when it started popping . I have a Amish multi color mix of popcorn , it 's all different shades of white and yellow when it pops . Oh my goodness did that tickle her ! She was certain I was popping Indian Corn . Makes me wonder what she would have done if I had popped it on the stove ? It was precious time , we talked and talked . About favorite things , Grampa ( I believe that is her favorite subject ) , about school and dance , and how she feels about different people and their roles in her life . When I spend hours alone with her it reminds me of my boy when he was young . She fell asleep early , she wants to go back to the hospital to see that Grampa , she feels that she can hang around and cheer him up . I love it ! And I am glad she wants to go . Well . . . I know it 's short and a little bland , I 'm sorry . . . I simply feel a bit gutted and rushed . I am trying to finish a few minor chores before I wake her up and get us ready to go . The Hubs is having another bad morning if his text is any indication . . . And there is another round of snow on the way . . . Well hello Stranger . . . yep I read your mind . I know I haven 't written . And it sure isn 't about not having anything going on in life . Quite the opposite . It 's almost like too much life is going on , all the time . I rush around each morning so I can take care of all the pets in the mornings , pack lunches and fix breakfast , somehow I used to be able to do that for more than just two people . With ease . Not sure what happened along the way to now . Then I rush about all day trying to take care of everything in the hours that everyone has available . Work , doctors , therapy . . . everything is vying for that same span of time . Then rush home to start the same morning routine in reverse . Walk the boys , fix the dinner , clean up if I can scrape together enough energy and then take care of the turtle , lizard , love on the cat and it 's time to crash . Not a very fulfilling way to live , that 's for sure . The weather hasn 't been cooperating either . We had a few drop dead gorgeous early days and then it 's been a combination of bitter cold , snow , ice , bitter cold , freezing rain , snow , bitter cold . I guess you are following that . Normally not a problem , but this year , well it 's been a struggle . This year I realized that moving further from work , well , it simply takes some adjusting . I am struggling to find that happy medium . Right now it feels as though it simply isn 't going to happen . I am so thankful for my mini - me deciding that she needs to spend every other weekend with her Grampa and I . I forces me to slow down , to savor the important things in life . To laugh and be silly . I am afraid if I did not have that I would be border line crazy by now . Hubs is not healing . Oh the hip is great ! Absolutely wonderful in fact , full range of motion , probably works better that the other one . But it seems that I should have been insisting I attend all appointments with him . Because . . . well arthritic and necrotic are two very , very different things and the original problem has never been addressed because it was discovered the hip was necrotic and had to be dealt with immediately . And all the bed rest and therapy and the compensation while it 's healed has only aggravated the original problem to the point of unbelievable ! Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers , tomorrow morning we will take him to get a nerve block done on his L2 . If that works , please Lord , then we just need to chart the path forward for that . It will probably mean one more surgery , but . . . that should be it ! I hope so ! I hate seeing him in so much pain . And on the selfish side , I am tired . Very , very tired . I can 't imagine how caregivers of long term patients do it . My fibro has been fighting me like crazy , maybe if I didn 't have my own demons ? Who knows . But every step forward feels like 20 backward . I feel like it would be okay if this insanity had not invaded every inch of my life . If there was some area that was smooth and steady . I am struggling to even find quiet time for coffee . I mean come on coffee time should be sacred ! I 'm sitting here typing , looking out at the lingering snow , trying to ignore the fact that my phone just sent me another weather alert about the wind chill and listening to the non - stop sound of the turtle filter reminding me that I need to clean the tank today . Knowing I need to do my own physical therapy ( ugghhh - whole different list of " what the 's " ) , and regretting the fact that I couldn 't sleep last night . Please know I haven 't gone away . I just have such a limited amount of time to accomplish everything . I am so far behind on everything , I owe folks quilts , soaps , socks , a giraffe . I have more projects than I can budget time for at work , and I still haven 't finished unpacking . . . And all I long for is somewhere quiet with hot coffee and no to - do list . I guess it 's starting to get to me a bit . . . I hope that if you are in one of those snow covered area 's you are staying warm and safe . If you are enjoying the warmth of sunshine , please forgive the rest of us while we hate on you a bit . . . Slow down and enjoy the time with your families and loved ones . . . Sweet Hubs knows it is taxing me to my limits . Making me struggle with flares and simply wanting to just walk away from many things . He could simply ignore it , sooner or later I come to grips with things . But he doesn 't . He handles things so different . This morning as I hobbled down the stairs , cursing myself for not getting my knee / leg looked at , wincing at the pain each step caused , I am not good at taking time for myself and my own health . I was feeling less than optimistic about the day . It 'd promised to be an amazing one , but I was already tired and cranky . The ache had managed to rob me of most of the hours my eyes were closed , and the throbbing had already started for the day . Rounding the corner and not seeing hubby I realized he was down in his Man Cave ( or girl cave if you ask the grand baby ) , then I spied my coffee cup sitting innocently in front of the coffee pot . I couldn 't help but smile at the fact that it contained a nice dose of Buffalo Trace . Filling my cup and wandering down the stairs very slowly convinced me it was gonna be a slow one . As I sipped my hot , bourbon laced coffee , my sweet hubby listened to me think out loud . . . actually apologizing that I had gotten the last of the bourbon . He 'd given it to me and didn 't have any . He knew I loved to start my Saturday 's like that and he 'd unselfishly given it to me . He loves it to . It was a huge gift of love . Next the kitty knocked over the flowers he 'd bought me . Water everywhere . Including under the Valentine 's box he 'd tried to get me to open a few nights ago when my heart was so heavy and sore . As I panicked that whatever the brightly wrapped package contained could be damaged by the water , Hubby saw another opportunity to make me open it early . He quickly started insisting that I open it , that the water would ruin it and he would be so upset . In my haste to clean up and prevent damage I missed the cues that usually tell me I am being worked . Let me just say that I am 99 % sure that little bit of water was in NO way going to damage those boxes of carefully wrapped and sealed sponge candy . He 'd ordered me Romolo 's this time . Stefanelli 's is our normal kind , it was what I 'd remembered from growing up . We both had been curious every time someone from home would insist that we were not eating the right kind , we needed Romolo 's it was the original , the stuff I remembered . Okay , all those at home . . . You were right ! After limping to walk the boys and do a few things around the house I decided to take a hot bath in Epsom salts before the grand baby woke up . Hoping , praying actually that it would eliminate whatever was bothering my leg . Hubs was working on fixing the banister rail , it had finally given way and fallen off , something we were terribly afraid would happen when he 'd needed it most . It waited . Having my Mister Fix - It back is nice . I offered to help after finding the wood filler for him , instead he fixed me a nice hot bubble bath concoction . Epsom Salts , some essential oils and other things all designed to alleviate pain . But not to him . After he 'd finished fixing the rail . He spoiled and pampered me some more . I am sure not many women can say their hubby gave them a manicure and a pedicure . . . I can ! After he fixed breakfast with the grand baby , and he cleaned up the kitchen we got her ready for the day . We 'd planned to take her swimming . She 's got a bit of a cold . Why risk it ? Picnic lunch packed . Adventure bound . We headed up to Alton . It 's time for the eagles and we didn 't want to miss the beautiful day . He unselfishly allowed me a day of selfishness . A day I desperately needed . I got some amazing pictures of my grand baby , the eagles , him , the sunset and captured so many silly moments . We laughed we giggled . We sang travel songs and went back in time . When it was time for dinner . . . we chose an unlikely place . A small little hole in the wall looking place . Much laughter and fun later we 'd enjoyed an incredible dinner , met Bob the Cat , toasted with toast , giggled and laughed . The drive home with the sun setting provided us with many opportunities to pull off , take pictures , have tea on the banks of the Mississippi . All while dancing to Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars . In the failing sun we watch literally hundreds of eagles high above the bluffs and river soaring on the jet stream , their white chests glowing a beautiful red in reflection . We 'd stopped to see if the Mama Eagle on her nest was still there . She was only now she was hovered over it , tucked in for the night . A quick stop at the store for a few small things , Grand Baby needed a magazine she 's been looking for , and those boys needed food . And we headed home . This time I drove , Hubs leg was starting to complain quite a bit . Still he offered . Knowing I don 't see well in the dark and therefore do not like to drive at night . Shortly after arriving home he headed upstairs . Worn out , needing to stretch out . I am sitting up with the Grand , who informed us that she needed to spend the whole weekend with us - and we couldn 't be happier . I know she needs us , that we can give her a place to selfishly call her 's . The reality is that little girl sitting quietly at the end of the sofa reading her magazine . . . How many of you have ever felt that defining moment . The one that urges you to step back , take a look around and take a flying leap of faith ? How many have ever felt shoved to take a leap of faith ? I 've really been struggling with some decisions , I 've been dealing with mountains , trying to figure out how to scale them and not create big changes . Anyone that knows me , and knows me well , knows that change is really hard for me . Sitting in the Walgreen 's parking lot waiting for hubby 's prescription to be ready , while he was at home suffering in pain because he 'd done a bit too much on his first day back to work , I had my moment . Surfing the net , kicking back and just unwinding from several really high stress days . ( Yeah , that is another no - no for me - I know . ) Scrolling Facebook , checking emails , just your every day stuff you can do in a car while waiting . I should have been finishing my socks , then I might not have been quite so . . . so . . . well , I don 't even know if there are words for it . It was like a splash of ice water on a cold day . It was raw and biting . One simple message , one string of words . It was enough . It was my push . Walking my boys tonight , after I got home and took care of hubby , I had a whole bunch of words that I yelled into the cold evening air . I am not a confrontational person , I will usually take the road that doesn 't contain those obstacles . It 's easier on me . So I tend to spend my alone time saying things that I can 't bring myself to say out loud to another person . Hubby understood , he could definitely empathize , he greeted me at the door with a Jack and Coke . The girl and her little family was coming over for dinner and I needed to dry my tears , stop being an infant , and realize that not all people have the ability to be decent humans . I get it , I really do . Besides the Jack and Coke was calming . Almost as calming as the hugs and love from my family . Tomorrow is another day , and I will face it head on . Knowing that at some point the high road isn 't the one to take . That allowing others to crawl into and under your skin is not the way to proceed with life . It tears you up in little pieces , shreds your heart and soul . I am not willing to allow anyone to destroy me . Especially not someone that I have given so much time and energy to . Ironic end to a day that was escorted in with the most beautiful sunrise over a snow dusted landscape . . . . right now , my heart feels as cold and frozen as the ground outside . That biting bitter cold is defining me , I don 't like it . It 's not me . I will rise above it , sadly , I fear it will be like the phoenix . And dang I hate drama . . .

Those are usually our first thoughts upon being told No by our children . It 's a feeling , an impression that rubs us the wrong way . We bristle at the blatant defiance . . . . we get an expression of a valid feeling or a valid need . Yet we often find a reaction of our child 's No unacceptable . Children are quite capable of strong feelings and quite incapable of articulating them . " Using their words " is hard . . . except for the one that suffices when they don 't know what else to say . No . It 's a simple and powerful way to express complicated feelings . Keep in mind that No is less about defiance and more of an expression of dislike ( especially for the under - 7 crowd ) . And since we want to teach our kids that all of their feelings and needs are always OK , we can start by finding their Nos acceptable . This means searching for that translation behind it ; articulating and validating it for them . When it comes to a child 's No , take a step back to consider what 's behind it . Distance yourself from the defiance . Listen for the translation and give No a second chance . Kelly Bartlett is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator and a freelance parenting writer with a focus on child development , family relationships and discipline . She is the author of Parenting From Scratch , where she blogs about her family 's endeavors in unconditional parenting . ( www . parentingfromscratch . wordpress . com ) Links to this post My 2 boys have very opposite personalities . My first has always been very easy - going , compassionate , somewhat cautious / anxious , and not an aggressive bone in his body . My second is more independent , strong - willed , and fiery . Those are not bad attributes at all ; quite the contrary , actually . Both boys ' personalities are wonderful in their own ways . They also require different things . My fiery one is more aggressive and is coming out of a hitting phase . Starting right before he turned 3 , for a good 4 or 5 months , that boy hit someone 10 times an hour , usually his older brother , who always shied away from confrontation . I tried what felt like 50 different " techniques " to get him to not hit , and I don 't think any of them " worked " so much as he just outgrew that phase . He 's 3 - 1 / 2 now and he doesn 't hit nearly as often as he used to , but his temper is still quick . I happened across this free printable online for my kids to color one day . We talked about it , and I hung it on the refrigerator as a reminder . I hadn 't planned on this becoming a " thing " at our house , but it has evolved into a very helpful tool for all of us . For the first few weeks this was hanging on the refrigerator , I would only occasionally refer to it when someone got angry . " What should we do first ? What does the red light mean ? " One would chime in , " It means stop ! ! " They totally got this little stoplight , so , I ran with it . We have talked extensively about each step on this stoplight . I 've given them tools to use at each step . Red light ! I say this when I see one of the kids ( or both ) getting hot under the collar . I 've given them several options to do during red light , including walk away , sit down , and take deep breaths . If someone is very angry and I see that he will need help red lighting , I step in and offer my assistance . " Let 's take a walk together " or " Put up your moose antlers and let 's take 3 deep breaths . " Yellow light ! Next is calm down time . Again , I 've taught them several different ways they can calm down . Draw a picture , look through a book , pop balloons , shake the calm down jar , etc . This is not a go - sit - in - a - chair - for - x - amount - of - time - and - calm - yourself - down kinda thing at all . And again , if someone needs help , I offer it . " Would you like to draw me a picture ? " or " Would a hug help you ? " Green light ! Go ! I usually don 't even have to say this one as once the child is calmed down and we 've discussed the issue if it needed discussed , then he merrily goes about his way . This is a really good tool to use in conjunction with teaching emotional intelligence . Used on its own and without offering the child assistance in the steps or teaching alternatives , it may not be very useful , and certainly this could be spun into something punitive , but that is not how we roll here . When I give these verbal cues , it is a loving reminder to take a breather and collect yourself , and its not just for the kids . I 've told them to feel free to say , " Red light , Mom ! " if I start to lose my cool . We can all use the reminder sometimes . A friend recently asked for advice on her Facebook page because she said her child 's ( a preschooler ) reaction to anything was to cry . As I set there reading her friends ' recommendations , my heart sank . Most all of them told her to ignore him when he cries . Some said to punish him or send him away , and my thought was my goodness , where is the empathy ? Empathy is lacking in American culture all over the board , but a severe lack of empathy in dealing with children 's emotions is disturbingly prevalent . We are given the advice to ignore them almost as soon as they come out of the womb in a sad and misguided attempt to " train " them , from allowing them to helplessly cry in their crib so that they learn to " self - soothe " to ignoring the screams of a distressed toddler so she doesn 't " continue throwing fits for attention " to ignoring the cries of preschoolers and older children so as not to spoil them , and , for boys , feminize them . ( Yes , sadly that is still a problem ) . Our friends tells us they do it . The internet tells us it is okay . Some parenting experts advise it . Perhaps even your pediatrician may recommend it . However , the fact that everyone else is doing it doesn 't make it right , neither does the fact that it is socially acceptable . I could bore you with study after study of the negative effects on children 's brains and emotional development when they are ignored , left to cry alone without the comfort a parent 's loving arms , but for goodness ' sake , I shouldn 't have to . Where is our moral compass ? It seems we have come to the conclusion that there are only 2 options . Give in to their cries , thereby spoiling them and turning them into dreadful brats , or ignoring them to keep that from happening . But there is a wonderful third option ! One that doesn 't give in to the child , nor isolate the child . EMPATHY . It doesn 't come easily to many of us , especially if we were deprived of it as children ourselves , but it can , and should be , learned and passed down generation to generation . I will not , for the sake of post length , get into allowing infants to cry - it - out as I will certainly go off on a tangent , but for toddlers , preschoolers , and the older child , it looks something like this . Your toddler is tired and cranky . The slightest thing sends him over the edge into a huge crying fit . I can tell you with certainty that he is not breaking down for his benefit . He is not manipulating you or trying to make your life difficult . He is overwhelmed , and giving him comfort will no more make him want to have more meltdowns than your friend giving you a shoulder to lean on will make you want to have to lean on her more . Don 't withhold affection or attention during his time of distress . He needs you . If your preschooler wants a cookie for breakfast , and you deny her the cookie causing her to cry , there is no need to ignore her OR give her the cookie . The third option allows you to say " I see that you are upset over the cookie . You really want it , but that isn 't a healthy breakfast and I want you to be healthy . " Understand her view . Validate her feelings . She is a human being . If your older child pouts or cries because you won 't buy him a new video game , sending him to his room isn 't going to resolve his feelings , but only cause more negative feelings to build . You know what it is like to want things and not be able to get them . You probably experience that feeling every payday ! I do ! Empathize . " You 're upset about the video game . I know what that feels like . I 'm sorry you 're feeling this way . I just cannot get it right now . " Sure , it may require a whole lot more patience from you than sending him away or blocking him out , but remember . . . I made a small I Spy jar , which is the travel version of our calm down jar . I figure if they focus their minds on looking for things in the jar , it 's the same as focusing on the swirling glitter . I just added some colored rice and a few little items to spy . Then , I just had to make the cute little stress ball balloons I saw here . Just fill balloons with Play Doh and draw faces on them . I made 2 for our calm down box at home , and 2 for the travel bag . But kids are kids , and sometimes they act up or get too angry and need to be removed from the situation . I know that my children 's frontal lobes , where sequential thinking , logic , and self - regulation take place , are grossly underdeveloped until at least age 6 , and the maturity of this region takes a long time . You can read more on that here , if you 're interested . I also know that until the brain is regulated ( calm ) , lessons I 'm trying to teach my child go in one ear and out the other . So my goal is to help them get regulated ( and the more I help them , the quicker they 'll learn to regulate themselves ! ) so that I can then teach them the lesson I want them to learn . You may have seen the " calm down corner " that America 's Supernanny does . It is anything but calming ! This , however , is our version of the calm down corner . Inside the calm down box is our calm down jar made with water , glitter glue , food coloring , and glitter . The idea is to shake the jar , and as you watch the glitter twirl around , it brings your attention onto the motion in the jar and instantly the brain begins to calm . It works for me too , and the boys love it . I know you may thinking , " What ? A fun place to go when they 're in trouble ? " This is not a punishment , but a place to calm the mind . When my kids are regulated , I sit down with them and we talk about what happened and ways to improve or handle things better the next time . After all , the goal is to teach them better so they know what the right thing to do is , and they are much more receptive to my teachings when their brains are calm and regulated . Of course , they 're welcome to go to the box anytime to play , read , and draw . In fact , the more practice they get with it , the better it is for everybody . I 'm sure I 'll be sitting on that penguin shaking the life out of the jar myself at least once a day . ; - ) Charts can be a very useful positive parenting tool if they are used correctly . I have used many charts through the years , some yielded good results and some bad results because they were used incorrectly . I 'll share with you what has worked , and what has not . This first one was a routine chart I used to help get both my boys settled into a daily routine . I have to admit I was never much on routines , but after reading some articles on the benefits of them , like this one , I decided to give it a go . With each task or period completed , they got to put their little smiley face Velcro sticky onto the chart . The Benefits : This chart was a good visual for the kids on what they needed to do and what was coming next . It brought some consistency and calmed some of the chaos . They enjoyed the smiley faces and liked putting them on , feeling a sense of accomplishment and pride . The Downfalls : You have to be consistent with it . Who 's not Mrs . Consistent ? Me , unfortunately . I soon slipped back into my willy - nilly ways . This responsibility chart was also a winner . This one was for my then 4 year old . The visual reminder was a plus for him , and he enjoyed putting his finished chore in the slip . ( The role model one was added to cut down on sibling rivalry . It did help . ) The Benefits : The chart reminded him of what his responsibilities were so I didn 't have to keep asking . It was placed in the playroom where he could see it all day . My younger had one as well , with different responsibilities , and both enjoyed these charts . Another winner was this potty chart I did back in 2009 for my 2 year old who was potty learning . I know this one is kind of amusing . As I said , I do occasionally attach rewards to things , and this was one of those times . There was a giant toy Hummer at Toys R Us he wanted , and I told him I 'd get it for him if he used the potty . This was pre - PPTB , so I hadn 't read ANY parenting articles about rewards / punishments and how I should / shouldn 't do things . I just did what I felt was right , and that is often the right thing to do ! This worked like a charm . He was so easy to potty train ! It took ONE day , and he never looked back . And guess what ? He didn 't even ask for the toy . He just enjoyed getting the stars . And of course he didn 't continue to ask for stars each time he went to the potty once it had become a habit . The Benefits : Earning a star toward his goal was encouraging and exciting for him . He could see just how far he 'd come and how well he was doing . It gave him a sense of pride and accomplishment . This bedtime chart has been a recent lifesaver ! It was part of my " bedtime boot camp " because we were having major bedtime issues around here . The kids got a kick out of the term " boot camp " which is why I call it that . It 's not much like boot camp at all . : - ) This was another time I added a reward because I needed to entice them to stick with the routine , so for each happy face they get ( we 'll get to that in a minute ) , they earn a quarter on their allowance . They get an extra buck 75 and I get a week of peace . Win / Win . I have a tried a couple that went totally wrong . This first one is actually attached to the bedtime chart above , and is currently in use , although I 've modified it now since seeing what the problem was ( which I would have known if I had looked back on prior charts gone wrong ) . The idea was they got a smiley face for each night they followed the bedtime routine and rules and a sad face when they did not . Here 's the problem with this chart . The sad faces were discouraging and of absolutely no help to my 3 year old . This also caused some sibling rivalry as he wanted to give his brother some sad faces , too . This obviously made him feel " less than " his brother . So , I don 't do the sad faces anymore . They will get a happy face for following the rules ( encouragement ) and it will just be left blank if they don 't , although we haven 't had any problems since day 2 of this chart . The Benefits : The smiley faces indicate success and an extra quarter , so they do find those encouraging . They always smile ear to ear when I put the smiley face up . The Downfalls : The sad faces are discouraging and caused sibling jealousy and feelings of inadequacy . Big no - nos ! Here 's another one that went wrong . This idea came from Elizabeth Pantley 's book , The No - Cry Discipline Solution . Here 's how it worked . I wrote down what we were having issues with at the time . We started the day with 3 happy faces ( sad faces were drawn on the flip side ) . If one these rules were broken , the happy face got flipped over to the sad face side and put on the other side of the chart . If they got 3 sad faces , they went to time in . The Benefits : None , except maybe calling attention to the expectations . The Downfalls : There are so many things wrong with this chart . First , all the " no " statements were discouraging . The sad faces were discouraging . The behaviors were NOT at all improved by this , and it caused sibling rivalry if one got a sad face and other didn 't . This chart lasted 2 or 3 days and went in the garbage . 23 . Take them to a FREE workshop or craft event . Home Depot , Lowe 's & Michael 's have great workshops that allow kids to build and create cool projects . We say to them , " Talk respectfully to me ! " but then we yell at them . We say , " Hitting is not nice ! " but then we spank them . We say , " Clean up your room ! " but our garage is a wreck . We say , " Don 't snatch ! " but we take away their toys when they do something we don 't like . We say , " Watch your temper ! " but we slam doors . But here 's the other thing . It 's HARD . Simple , but HARD . Because most of us weren 't taught good emotional intelligence when we were kids . Our brains are wired to react , to yell , to lash out , and to turn this around so that we can truly BE who we want our kids to BE , that means we have rewire our own brains . How ? By consistently taking those deep breaths to calm yourself before you speak , consistently walking away when you 're too angry , consistently responding with sensitivity and compassion . Consistently . Time after time after time until the new pathway is made and it becomes our automatic response . But wait . Am I saying we have to be perfect ? Surely we are allowed to get upset from time to time . It 's human , right ? Right . I 'm not saying we have to perfect at all . To err is human . We don 't have to be perfect , but neither do they . Let 's not hold them up to a higher standard than we can attain ourselves . Let 's not be so quick to reprimand them when they yell or stomp away . Let 's allow them to be human , too . Let 's focus more on our connection and on the example we 're setting , and the need for correction will lessen . I wish you all a connected , playful day . < 3 Positive Parenting isn 't about perfection . Thank goodness for that ! I , for one , have been far from perfect lately . I 've yelled . I 've slammed doors . I 've had tantrums . There have been times when my child has needed my compassion and my empathy , and I didn 't have it to give . Not to him . Not to myself . I wallowed around in my guilt for a while . Berating myself for failing . Shaming myself for not being able to self - regulate . " I 'm the author of a positive parenting website ! I should be better than this ! " " I know better ! " " I suck . " " My kids deserve better . " Blah blah blah . I 'm so tired and everyone needs me and I just want to be taken care of instead . Meals cooked , house cleaned , someone tucking me into bed and sitting beside me until I 've drifted off to much - needed sleep . And most days I get by . I nap when I can and I gratefully eat food cooked by a kind husband . I try to keep a quiet schedule . I let some things go . Even so , some days get the better of me and I bumble my way through them , so very human in my weakness . Then I read this post , and it slapped me upside my head . In a good way . I 'm pretty terrible at self - regulating . One of the gifts I didn 't receive in childhood , apparently . I 'm more determined than ever to teach my kids how to do this so they don 't have these same struggles when they 're 30 - something . I 've attacked the problem in my typical fashion . Research . Jot down ideas . Form a plan . Make a schedule . I 'm nothing if not meticulous . Pardon me while I rewire my brain . I should have that put on a T - shirt . There is a lesson to be learned in the rough patches , and if we learn it , internalize it , and put it to use , then we didn 't really fail . We grew . And growth is good . Dr . Laura Markham says , " You can 't simultaneously feel bad about what you 've done and feel good enough to do better . " My first step was to stop feeling bad about what I 've done , to wrap my arms around myself and whisper , " It 's okay . You 're a good mama . You 're good enough . " " Understanding alone cannot prevent disrupted connections from occurring . Some will inevitably happen . The challenge we all share is to embrace our humanity with humor and patience so that we can in turn relate to our children with openness and kindness . To continually chastise ourselves for our " errors " with our children keeps us involved in our own emotional issues and out of relationship with our children . . " - - Daniel J . Siegel Once I stopped chastising myself , I sat in meditation for a while , letting the compassion flow in like it was coming from a fountain . I apologized to my children , who said " That 's okay , Mom . " Children are golden . Bless them . If you find yourself off path , struggling , and in the midst of a rough patch , know that you are not alone . You are not a failure . You just need a little self - love . As important as it is to be loving and empathetic with our children , we owe as much to ourselves . We 're all learning as we grow . Try these techniques and meditations to bring yourself back to peace . 11 . Make a bird feeder . Take an empty toilet paper tube and spread peanut butter all round the outside edge of the tube . Roll the peanut butter tube in bird seed . Cut a piece of yarn that is about 12 inches long . Attach it to each end of the tube to make a way to hang the tube onto a tree . Watch for the birds to come ! 15 . Fill some balloons with helium and put them in your child 's room while he 's sleeping . He 'll wake to a nice surprise ! 18 . Make mudpies . 19 . Camp out in the back yard , under the stars , at least for a little while . 20 . Play traditional birthday party games . . . without the birthday party , like pin the tail on the donkey . 29 . Don 't step on the lava ! Make a path of pillows and cushions and have the kids jump from one to the other , being careful not to step on the floor ( lava ) . 30 . Make big cars out of a cardboard boxes . Have the kids sit inside the boxes , cut holes for their legs and let them use their feet as wheels to move around . Each baby is afforded one childhood . One . That 's it . There is tremendous pressure on parents to get it right . We don 't get do - overs . As Jackie Kennedy said , " If you bungle raising your children , I don 't think whatever else you do matters very much . " I know that if you are reading this right now , you understand the value of childhood . You understand the impact of your words on little hearts . You know that every interaction is shaping your child 's brain , quite literally . Positive parenting , on the surface , looks to be about gentle discipline , finding alternatives to spanking or punishment , and learning a more positive way to interact with our kids . In fact , I 'd bet that more than 90 % of those who Google " positive parenting " have discipline in mind , probably searching , just as I was , for a kinder way to control their kids . Their intentions are good , hearts are in the right place , but still , their minds are muddled with the current trends on " how to properly raise a child . " It takes work and time to clear away the muddle , and many don 't attempt to . They comfortably stay in that " first phase " of positive parenting . They 've traded spanking for the time out chair , yelling for consistency and firmness , and they begin to notice and praise their kids for doing good , getting in that all - important " positive reinforcement " that so many positive parenting sites talk about . I 'm not complaining about them . In fact , I salute them . That 's a big step in the right direction , and it 's not always easy to make . Am I painting a flawless picture of forever harmony here ? Not at all . There will be conflict , raised voices , bad days or maybe even weeks . There will be disconnects and high emotions and low emotions . There will be struggles and misbehaviors and loss of direction at times . But that 's okay . It 's okay . Because we 're human , and those things happen in the context of human relationships . Yes , our interactions are shaping their little brains , but this doesn 't mean that every negative interaction will damage them for life . In fact , when we come back and reconnect , when we forgive and hug and say , " Do you know how much I love you ? " we are creating pathways for healthy relationships , for learning how to come back to peace after a rift , and that 's valuable real - world stuff they 're learning . Have faith in yourself . Know that you are good enough . Believe in your ability to raise your child right . He or she was given to YOU for a reason . Set a positive example . Yes , guide them and teach them , and above all , know that your relationship is what will make it all stick , not your " discipline . " Not the time out chair . Not the taking away of privileges . Your relationship . Have faith in your child . Know that he is good enough . Believe in his desire and his ability to do right . Know that a single misbehavior , or even a string of them , does not define him . Know that unconditional love has the power to pull any child ( and parent ) back into the light . " If you want your children to follow along a certain path , you must lead the way as the ocean leads a river home by remaining below it . If you manipulate , coerce and bully your children , you will have no power at all . If you lead with humility , gentleness , and by example , you will need no power at all . " - William Martin I am not going to take lots of time citing all the studies and listing reasons why you shouldn 't spank . The purpose of this post is to give you alternatives , but here is a concisely written article by Dr . Laura Markham titled Should You Spank Your Child ? So , if you don 't spank , what can you do ? Here are some disciplining tools that will teach your child while maintaining your relationship . 1 . A calm down area . Some key information that you must understand is that , neurobiologically speaking , children are much better able to internalize what you are teaching when their brains are calm and regulated than when they are in a state of stress , which kicks the alarm in their brain and sends them into lower brain functions of flight or fight . It is for this reason that we want our children to calm down before we teach them the lesson we want them to learn . I have created a space in my home which includes a calm down box filled with several tools for my child to assist him in getting out of fight or flight mode and back into reason and understanding . This is not a punishment . You may go with your child to the calm down area or your child may go alone , whichever she prefers . The point is to get her calm . The lesson comes afterwards . I know this may seem like a very soft or possibly even almost permissive way to deal with misbehavior when you are used to spanking , but the goal of discipline is to teach our child to do better , and there are many routes to that end . Just because this is a kinder and gentler route doesn 't mean it is permissive . Permissive parents fail to set and enforce limits and don 't discipline ( teach ) their children at all . Here , we are allowing our child the space to calm the mind , and once he is calm , he will better internalize the lesson that is to follow , whereby you teach your child what is acceptable and appropriate and give him alternatives to his behavior . For example , if he hit his sister , then once he is calm , you will restate your limit that hitting is not acceptable and you will give him alternatives to hitting . He has anger and frustration , normal human emotions , he just needs to know what to do with them . Allow him to squeeze a stress ball . Let him rip up paper , clap his hands , or pop a balloon . These sensory activities are often a release for kids . You haven 't let him by with his misbehavior . Rather , you 've waited until he can comprehend your lesson , then instead of punishing him for doing wrong , which doesn 't show him how to do right , you 've stuck to your limit and given him tools he can use so he can avoid hitting the next time , and his dignity is intact , as is yours . Win - win . " Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better , first we have to make them feel worse ? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly . Did you feel like cooperating or doing better ? " ― Jane Nelson 2 . Problem - solving . It is tempting to hit kids with arbitrary consequences . " You 've just lost your Xbox for 3 days ! " " You 're grounded ! " " Go to your room ! " Herein again lies the problem that these methods do not teach your child any how to 's for better behavior . Do you know that irritated , empty feeling you get when you 've read an article or book that tells you everything you 're doing wrong but doesn 't leave you with any alternatives ? That 's exactly how your child feels when you spank him , send him to time out , or give an arbitrary consequence . He now knows what he shouldn 't do , but he doesn 't know what he can do instead . And if he doesn 't know what he can do instead , he is likely , just like you are , to fall back to doing just what it is that got him in trouble in the first place because it 's the only thing he knows to do . Note : Because problem - solving is a cortex ( pre - frontal ) function , the child probably won 't be ready to be involved in the problem - solving process until at least age 4 . However , you can certainly let your younger - than - 4 children hear you problem - solve . Talk it through with them . " You wanted Emma 's doll , so you took it from her , but now Emma is crying . You both want the doll . Hmm . How can we solve this problem ? How about you and Emma take turns with the doll ? " Scenario Your 5 year old son gets upset at Grandma 's house and yells " I don 't like you ! " to her . Grandma tells you about when you pick him up . Instead of telling him he was rude and taking away his TV for 2 days , involve him in making it better . Ask him what happened at Grandma 's . Hear him out . You might say " I understand you got upset . Everyone gets upset sometimes , but we have to be careful with words because they can hurt . Do you think those words hurt Grandma 's feelings ? " Ask him " How can we make Grandma feel better ? Can you think of something ? " He may decide to pick her some flowers or make her a card or write her an apology note . If he doesn 't come up with anything on his own , offer him a few suggestions like I just listed and let him choose . When he chooses , help him carry out his solution by taking him outside to pick the flowers or giving him supplies to make a card and tell him how much better he will make Grandma feel . Let him surprise her with it ! He 'll probably be smiling ear - to - ear . Obviously every scenario can go a hundred different ways , but the idea is to involve your child in the process . Let your child come up with as much of the solution with as little prompting from you as possible , but do offer coaching if he 's young or having a difficult time problem - solving himself . There should be no shaming , blaming , or anger in the problem - solving process . If you 're child is upset , or if you are upset , wait until everyone is calm to begin the process . 3 . Time - in . For toddlers and preschoolers , time - in is an excellent alternative to time - out . To understand why we don 't recommend time outs , read this . A time - in is much the same as the calm down area , just without the sensory tools . During a time - in , you remove your child from the situation , sit her on your lap or in a chair beside you , and stay with her . Empathize with her upset and help her to know she is safe . Wait with her until she is calm and regulated , and then move forward with your teaching . Dr . Gordon Neufeld says this : " All growth emanates from a place of rest . Children must never work for our love , they must rest in it . We have gone to a practice of parenting that makes them work for the contact and closeness . ' Off to your room ! I withdraw the invitation to exist in my presence until you come into line ' and we make them work at keeping us close . We might get more compliance , but we get a deeply restless child . " 4 . Natural and occasionally logical consequences . Life itself is a pretty good teacher . It is fine to allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his actions , but take care here not to " cause " the natural consequence to occur . If your child refuses to do his homework , facing his teacher without it or getting a lower grade is a natural consequence . If your child breaks his toy by being too rough with it , he has a broken toy that gets thrown away . That is the natural consequence . If you child gets home from a friend 's house past the time you set and doesn 't get any dinner , that is not a natural consequence , that is a punishment . Having to warm up his dinner or make himself a sandwich is the natural consequence . You should also exercise discretion , obviously , in which natural consequences you allow to occur . If your child refuses a coat in the winter , let him go without it , but bring it along for when he realizes that wasn 't such a good idea . Making him suffer through the cold might teach him not to leave his coat again , but it isn 't very compassionate . Sometimes , for children who are too young to problem - solve , a logical consequence can be a good teacher . The key to effective consequences to deliver them with empathy and come from a place of teaching , not from making the child pay . For example , if your 2 year old throws a toy at your head , it is perfectly reasonable to take that toy and put it away . However , this isn 't done by shaming the child and saying " That 's it ! I said no throwing toys ! I 'm taking that away ! ! " but rather with an " Uh - oh . Throwing is dangerous . That almost hit me . Let 's put the toy away until you 're ready to play with it without throwing . Would you like to color ? " Your tone and body language is not threatening . You want to convey to your child that you are on her side and that you will do what is necessary to keep everyone safe , not that she is naughty for throwing the toy . She 's 2 , throwing is fun . She can 't control her impulses quite yet . That doesn 't mean we allow it though . For children over the age of 5 or 6 , problem - solving will take the place of any logical consequence you impose . The argument is often made that parents need to spank or smack hands in order to deter their child from a more painful outcome , such as getting hit by a car or getting burned on the stove . But after spanking them for going near the road or smacking his hand so he doesn 't touch the stove , would you then leave them alone near the road or the stove , having complete confidence that the swat or slap taught the lesson ? Of course you wouldn 't . So what is the value in the smack ? Believe me , if I thought that smacking my kid was the ONLY way to keep him safe , I 'd be doing it . But I 've found that a serious tone and repetitive teaching ( which you have to do whether you smack or not ) is effective . How tempting it is to slap those daring little hands ! Many parents do it without thinking , but consider the consequences . Maria Montessori , one of the earliest opponents of slapping children 's hands , believed that children 's hands are tools for exploring , an extension of the child 's natural curiosity . Slapping them sends a powerful negative message . Sensitive parents we have interviewed all agree that the hands should be off - limits for physical punishment . Research supports this idea . Psychologists studied a group of sixteen fourteen - month - olds playing with their mothers . When one group of toddlers tried to grab a forbidden object , they received a slap on the hand ; the other group of toddlers did not receive physical punishment . In follow - up studies of these children seven months later , the punished babies were found to be less skilled at exploring their environment . Better to separate the child from the object or supervise his exploration and leave little hands unhurt . - Dr . William Sears ( source ) More than just another book about discipline , though , Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about , feel about , and act with their children . It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from " doing to " to " working with " parenting - - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy , caring , responsible people . This is an eye - opening , paradigm - shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents . How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Malish . This book features loads of practical advice on how to effectively communicate with your kids . Excellent read . CONNECTION PARENTING is based on the parenting series Pam Leo has taught for nearly 20 years . Pam 's premise is that every child 's greatest emotional need is to have a strong emotional bond with at least one adult . When we have a bond with a child we have influence with a child . Pam teaches us that when we strengthen our parent - child bond we meet the child 's need for connection and our need for influence . The spirited child - often called " difficult " or " strong - willed " - possesses traits we value in adults yet find challenging in children . Research shows that spirited kids are wired to be " more " - by temperament , they are more intense , sensitive , perceptive , persistent , and uncomfortable with change than the average child . In this revised edition of the award - winning classic , voted one of the top twenty books for parents , Kurcinka provides vivid examples and a refreshingly positive viewpoint . Raising Your Spirited Child will help you : understand your child 's ­ - and your own - temperamental traits discover the power of positive - rather than negative - labels cope with the tantrums and power struggles when they do occur plan for success with a simple four - step program develop strategies for handling mealtimes , sibling rivalry , bedtimes , holidays , and school , among other situations Parenting for Peace by Marcy Axness , Ph . D . Parenting for Peace details a unique seven - step , seven - principle matrix for hardwiring our babies and children with the brain circuitry for such essential peacemaker capacities as self - regulation , empathy , intelligence , trust and imagination . The win - win is that a child wired in this vibrantly healthy way is a joy to parent , and as an adult has the heart to embrace and exemplify peace , the mind to innovate solutions to social and ecological challenges , and the will to enact them . To be successful in a changing world . Parenthood is a beautiful journey . We don 't have to become adversaries with our children ; doing so is very unnatural to our humanity . We are all wired for connection , for closeness , and for love . Positive parenting frees us to move from the traditional parenting roles which create friction and rebellion and allows us instead to move into a more natural role which creates cooperation and peace . The inevitable conflicts that arise in a relationship no longer define the relationship , but serve as stepping stones to greater understanding and connection . There is an abundance of resources available which tell parents why traditional parenting practices are not optimal , but few help parents learn what to do in place of traditional practices . In this book , we 'll discuss the principles of positive parenting , and then we will go through more than 40 scenarios to show you what it looks like when these principles are put into action . Do you want to create a more positive and peaceful home ? Are you tired of parenting formulas and techniques that just don 't work and leave you feeling at odds with your child ? Learn the 5 principles of positive parenting and discover how to bring connection and peace back into your relationship with your child . You 'll learn a new way in which to relate to your child , one which fosters connection rather than disconnection , respect rather than rebellion , and cultivates a healthy relationship which you can enjoy throughout the years . 1 . Abandon comparisons . Comparing people is never helpful , whether it is comparing your child to her sibling or one child to another child or your spouse to your friend 's spouse or yourself to the PTO leader . Even favored comparisons ( you 're a much better singer than your sister ! ) are harmful . Each person in your family should know that ( s ) he is adored for being just who ( s ) he is . Be mindful of your language and thought patterns throughout the day and take a mental note if you find yourself making comparisons , then try to eliminate it altogether . When everyone knows they are loved wholly for who they are at this moment , they will flourish ! 2 . Unplug and tune in . We love our smartphones , iPads , and social networking sites , but it can be easy to tune out your family when you 're plugged in all the time . If you want a happier , closer family , commit to some " unplugged time " daily . Put away all the gadgets , shut down the computer , and connect with your spouse and your kids for some time each day with no distractions . Sherry Turkle , director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self , has been studying how parental use of technology affects children and young adults . After five years and 300 interviews , she has found that feelings of hurt , jealousy and competition are widespread . Her findings will be published in " Alone Together " early next year by Basic Books . ' Your children are the greatest gift God will give to you , and their souls the heaviest responsibility He will place in your hands . Take time with them , love them close up and teach them to have faith in God . Be a person in whom they can have faith . When you are old , nothing else you 've accomplished , invented , authored or inspired will have mattered as much ' . ~ Wingate 3 . Create family traditions / rituals . Traditions and rituals unique to your family gives everyone the feeling of being part of something special and create a wonderful sense of belonging . Many treasured memories lie in family rituals . Rituals help us identify who we are both as an individual and as a family ; they provide something constant , stable , and secure in a confusing world . These traditions and rituals don 't have to be complex or expensive , just a little something that says " home . " Family traditions counter alienation and confusion . They help us define who we are ; they provide something steady , reliable and safe in a confusing world . - Susan Lieberman 4 . Home is a safe haven . Home should be a place of comfort and joy for all family members . Naturally the occasional conflict will arise , but if there is constant bickering in your home between children , parents , or parent and child , it 's time to put a stop to it . No one can find rest in a place with such negative energy , and it is stressful to be in constant conflict . If the battles are between your children , set clear limits on what is acceptable and what is not . Do not allow bullying , taunting , or name - calling . Each child has a right to feel safe in his / her own home . See the article below , Solutions for Siblings , for more on this . Your relationship with your spouse is a model for your children . The way you two interact sets the stage for your child 's future relationships . Model respectful communication even through disagreements , and your children are more likely to do the same . If you and your spouse are in constant conflict , seek help . Chronic parental conflict creates a climate of tension , chaos , disruption and unpredictability in the family environment that is meant to be safe and secure and comfortable to grow up in . Children feel anxious , frightened , and helpless . They may worry about their own safety and their parents ' safety even if there has been no actual or threatened violence . If you are in constant conflict with your child , there are several steps you can take . The first is to reconnect with your child and re - establish the bond that has been lost . Second , clean the lens through which you see your child . What does your child look like ? Third , reset the overall tone by remaining respectful when conflicts arise and avoid yelling . If you need to take a time out to manage yourself , there 's nothing wrong with doing so . In fact , this teaches your child the valuable skill of learning to handle his own emotions . Work toward problem - solving instead of doling out punishments or consequences . My home is the home of peace . My home is the home of joy and delight . My home is the home of laughter and exultation . Whosoever enters through the portalsof this home , must go out witha gladsome heart . This is the home of light ; whosoever enters here must become illumined . ~ Abdu ' l Baha ~ 5 . Family Meetings . It may sound like a corny idea at first , but family meetings are a great way to show appreciation , plan things , and tackle problems . During a family meeting , children know that their opinions matter , and family meetings further solidify their place in the family unit . Read : " The family meeting is a place where all of our families are defined . It 's a place for us to practice being our best as parents and allowing our children to become their best . It 's a place for children to practice using their voice in a productive , positive , and respectful way . It 's a place to show appreciation for each other on a regular basis . " - Vicki Hoefle

It was so good to talk to you and everyone . Definitely I am at some of my happiest moments . But at the same time there are some of the lowest or hardest or can be depressing moments I feel of my life here . The best way we missionaries have come to describe a mission is that it is like taking a full life and cramming it into 2 years . You get all the highs and lows of emotions and everything all packed together ( and yes they have often times happened in one day of highs and lows ) . And furthermore the highs and lows are enlarged to greater extremes . So some days it really is an emotional roller coaster . Yeah , it is hard when people close to you leave . Elder Turner , my MTC companion , had been right by me ever since we came to the island and now , just this past week , he moved to Taizhong . So I don 't know when I will see him again . Quite possibly it could not be until next Christmas gathering . But that is what life is all full of . You know it 's interesting you mention about resolutions and wanting to do things . It sometimes feels a little bit weird and different as a missionary we have the chance to actually very more acutely manage and track what we want to accomplish and do accomplish . The easiest way is through move calls . They are every six weeks and actually give good opportunity to set goals and the time to actually accomplish meaningful things . You mentioned about finishing the Book of Mormon . I would invite you then to read Doctrine and Covenants or to read Jesus the Christ . I am reading my second time through Jesus the Christ . I love it so much . It is so deep in knowledge and spiritual treasure . Actually , the other day , Elder Chen was not feeling well and I had the chance to read the Book of Mormon a lot . Normally , when I read , I sometimes have the struggle to stay awake and usually end up nodding . But this time I was wide awake and was just eating up what I was reading . I was learning so much and being spiritually edified so much . I read all the way from the beginning of Jacob to Mosiah 5 in an afternoon . But I loved reading about the vineyard in Jacob ( it makes so much sense and is so beautiful ) . Then it was really informative as well as spiritually good seeing the testimonies and knowledge the different prophets and men wrote down as the Book of Mormon switches hands several times before Mosiah . But I definitely have some ideas and such for myself that I want to work towards . Well as time for emailing is coming to a close and as I will be talking with you in less than 48 hours , I don 't really feel or have much to actually say in email this week . I do have photos to share and such . Oh and by the way Allisa within about 5 minutes of opening your package I figured out that you sent me lightsabers ( yeah sorry to spoil the whole surprise , I will still be as excited as ever Christmas morning and will whack Elder Chen with them still ) . Maybe you should just follow Dad 's example of writing on the outside of the package when listing contents of just Pens , Snacks , etc . Rather than Toy Plastic Swords . But its all good . As I have learned 好玩就好了 I know that Jesus Christ lives . There really is no sweeter sentence than this . Truly as we see His life and what He has done , it has been full of love . Never for His own benefit . Never for His own pleasure . Never for His own gain . Never words of complaint or murmur . Always love , compassion , and selflessness . To build off of last week , after Christ was tempted to turn rocks to bread to satisfy His own hunger , He came to Cana where His first miracle is recorded . While at a marriage feast , His mother was overseeing the providing of food and drink . However , the wine had run out . She turned to Jesus , knowing in part of his supernatural powers , but perchance not fully comprehending them , asked or stated about the wine run out . Jesus 's response while may appear harsh , actually has great esteem of respect and love as He says " Woman , what hast though to do with me ? My time has not yet come . " Woman in the singular aspect during that time actually had an attribute of queenliness as well as women who are blessed with maternity receive the sacred name and honor of mother . But similarly every child has but one woman who is that figure in their lives . There are not many women . It is but one woman . And so it was with Christ . He viewed that the time for Him to perform the miracle of providing wine had not yet come . But when He did change the water to wine , it was not for his own benefit or blessing , but it was for the benefit and blessing of others . Let us strive to emulate the Christ . He is our advocate . He is our Prince of Peace . He is our Shepherd . He has trodden the wine press so that we may not suffer the agonies of our sins and our mistakes . As for me and my future spouse and family , we will always heed the call of the good shepherd and look to Christ in all deed and thought . Truly when we think of Christ there will be no desire to sin or to even hurt those around us . So let us think of Christ not just at this one instance , but everyday and throughout our whole lives ! Yeah I understand what you mean about having that final push and then being able to relax and ease up a bit . As a missionary I don 't think that ever happens . Literally . . . . . So I don 't know , I read your email and it is touching to see the experiences and the faith of so many good people . But not really much on my mind to respond to any of that . I am actually finding it a little hard to say anything right now with being able to talk to all of you come a week and a half . I guess I will start off with saying first , here is a picture of our current cell phone . . . . . . You want to know why I am sending you a picture of our cell phone ? Because this Thursday we get new cell phones ! The whole mission ! But we don 't know what cell phones yet we will be getting . But so yeah we get them this Thursday at our Christmas Activity . Which will be . . . . . at Sun Moon Lake . So our zone needs to be to the utterly Main Train Station at 6 in the morning to get on a bus to ride all the way up pretty much to Puli . So get to get up really early Thursday morning . What I feel like sharing on this day is that the mission is like an unending game of Whack - a - Mole . Literally ! If you don 't believe me then tune in as I expound . It seems that each and every day I find things that are good and truly have remarkable and fun experiences , but at the same time I find each day I make mistakes and as well as problems and issues I discover ( mainly about myself ) that I struggle over and strive to improve . These are the Moles . The part that stinks the most is that when I have overcome , healed , or fixed ( meaning whacked ) these moles down , for some reason later on ( whether it be a day , week , month , or longer ) they then pop up again . So then I have to exert effort in going back to whack that mole again . It gets utterly frustrating and exhausting as these moles keep popping up . Such as yesterday many different moles popped up that attacked my physical , emotional , mental , and spiritual well - being . Basically , this all just made me feel kind of sick last night when we came home , but I did my best of writing the records I needed to update , folding some laundry , and then just going in on my bed to lay down and rest . I read a few conference talks to bolster my spirit ( which kind of helped ) . But just not feeling all that good ( head , stomach , spirit , etc . ) . Luckily , Elder Chen kept strong in making some calls and trying to set things up and having our plan for tonight , but he was nice and helpful . Got some pain medicine for me as well as my milk to drink with it . I got your letters this past week about love and charity . Maybe I have fallen back some again in not loving myself . I am not sure . I have been reading Jesus the Christ again and I just read today about Jesus Christ 's sojourn to the wilderness to commune with God . He fasted 40 days and prayed to subvert the will of His body to His divine spirit so that there may be closer communion with Heavenly Father . Towards the end of this experience , Satan came to tempt and pretty much subvert the Christ . He first tempted Christ to turn stones into bread At the end of this ordeal it states that Satan left Jesus for a season . And as we read later on towards the end of the Savior 's mortal ministry as He was with his Apostles , He states that " these are they who were with me in my temptations " . We see that even the Savior was continually tempted throughout His life . This shows that with temptation , if conquered once , it will not just go away and you are not simply rid of it . It is a continuing battle and struggle that will not end until after the Millenium and Judgement when Satan will be cast out and banished . Oh , how much more need of the Savior is there ! Truly we cannot go a day without His help and His strength . Truly I need it so much , especially to heal and fix me . I hope though more sooner than later . I just feel like I am not good sometimes even as I try my best to be good . Maybe I am being ridiculous of myself and too demanding . I just want to be a good person and be pure , clean , virtuous , and chaste . I just don 't know if I am . Satan causes me to doubt so much . So I really need to develop my trust more and to trust in the Savior as well as my Priesthood leaders when they declare that I am clean . So these are just some of my thoughts . I will see you soon and can 't wait to talk to you ! Love you lots and lots and lots ! So that is just crazy about the snow . Of course it would dump a ton right before you hand over the responsibility . And of course it happens when your most trusted and faithful elder is half way around the world . Darn ! That is too bad about Real not winning , but it sounded like one intense game and really fun to watch . I wish so bad that I could watch or enjoy a game once in a while . As for A Christmas Story I had no idea that it is Leonard on the Big Bang Theory . That 's crazy ! Funny when you find out the little things like this . So for calling Kevin , I believe it will be possible . I am going to call President Blickenstaff tonight and talk with him about it . But I mentioned it to Elder Chen and he said it should be ok . So I will call tonight and by next P - day I will have a response about calling Kevin . I really want to call Kevin . I think it would be really good for him . So yes as for Christmas call I was meaning to ask today about Skype info ( yes I can use Skype to call and talk . I believe I will be using my Ward Mission Leader 's computer ) . I still don 't know exactly when . I love the letters that you send , especially when they have cartoons with them ( I really like the Star Wars one about the health care insurance ) . I got your letter this past week about expectations , and it really helped me . I really spent this past week pondering a lot about expectations . I feel that I am step by step coming to terms more and more with really being impervious and clueless to all but my calling , my companion , myself , and those I serve . I really try and remember and live doing my best and enjoying and having fun . So first a few more down to earth things . First off is Steve Nash now playing for the Lakers ? ! How old is he now ? He has to be hitting a mark where he is too old to keep up with the younger guys , right ? But yeah I saw a magazine that had him on the front and he was wearing a Lakers jersey . Second is I wish so bad sometimes that my eyes or something had a camera built in , because there are just sometimes things I see that are priceless and wish I could take a picture . This one is that last Tuesday ( every Tuesday we do this ) we went to English Proselyting which involves us going to and intersection often and handing out English flyers as well as yelling and waving a banner so people know about the free English class we teach . But so right before we start we are in a circle and going to say prayer and such ( and I am facing towards the street so I can see across the street ) I look across the street and I see a scooter . Do you know what this scooter had ? ? ? ? ? ? ? This guy had a yellow scooter with Pikachus all over it , and to put a cherry on top you should have seen his helmet . It was a Pikachu helmet as if it was a head . So the helmet had ears as well that came off it and everything . I said this a little out loud and Elder Watson turned around and just about screamed like a little girl and Elder Barson was laughing so hard . As well as this past week when we were at a Family Mart sitting inside doing some language study as well as making calls , I was studying my flashcards when all of a sudden a Jack Johnson song came on . I was in heaven . It was really mellow and sweet and nice to listen to ( yeah I know I am a missionary , but I love my music ) . As well as this will make you laugh . You remember in Happy Gilmore when Happy goes ice skating with the girl and then there ends being that chinky romantic song playing all of a sudden ( I think it is called Endless Love ) , that as well came on while we were sitting in the Family Mart . That just made me laugh a lot that that would play . So over this past week I have learned a few things . First is that even after we repent and such we have to still deal with the consequences . So this is why I right now strongly implore , plead , and beg all parents everywhere to protect your children and grandchildren from any form of pornography . Because as destructive as it is in the moment , as Elder Holland stated ( and of course altered a bit to my use ) it blasts a crater in your mind . Even though I have worked hard as ever to climb out of the pit I put myself in for the past 5 years , I am still having to deal with the consequences that come from my actions and working continuously to repair the crater I blasted in there . This became apparent to me throughout this past week as I received your letter about expectations and I really sat down to ponder and somethings bothering and troubling me as I really looked inward to tell myself and figure out that this is my mission , and how I want to serve and do my best as well as enjoy my time . That is when then Satan struck hard as ever in thrusting temptations at me and recalling many bad memories to mind ( or because for many years I poisoned my mind that I feel it has corrupted my thinking sometimes that a normal person wouldn 't have as much impure thoughts immediately come to mind ) . Saturday and Sunday became very difficult days as I continually kept doing that which I have been taught and understand and know to strengthen me and protect me . But I felt as Satan had come with his storms and whirlwinds that I was simply not moving anywhere but just clinging and hoping to not fall backwards . I had continued to study , to pray , to serve , to teach and everything but I felt like my mind was a mess still so much as I was battling every minute sometimes in thrusting out impure thoughts and putting good thoughts in ( the thing I hate most which I think comes as a consequence of many years being addicted to pornography is that how the stupidest or littlest or even sometimes pure things my mind can take and immediately produce out So as for the bigger of the news , I will be in Fengshan another move call ( this will be my 4th move call and at the end of it will have been a 1 / 4th of my time on the island of Taiwan ) . And as well I will be with Elder Chen for another move call ( so we get to spend Christmas and New Years together , but I don 't know where I will be for Chinese New Years which is just going to be crazy ! ) First is I felt bad throughout the week because of last weeks letter . It simply was all just about me complaining . I am sorry . I was praying throughout the whole week that you or Mom wouldn 't worry or such over me . But it is weird is that really this week was much better . Really the Lord blesses me so much , and I am so ungrateful in so many ways . I wish I could be a better son and a better man . Truly I am ungrateful for what the Lord does for me . And then the Lord turns around and blesses me more . So I would not say that my companionship with Elder Chen is that we hate each other or have discontent . What it is ( and part of it feels hard to describe ) is that very much we have different characters of one that has great desire to be obedient , and one who struggles more with time management but has a greater abounding love and understanding . So we are open with talking with each other and truly I love Elder Chen . He has taught me many things that I couldn 't learn anywhere else and have really excelled my friendliness towards complete strangers and willing to open my mouth while he says he has learned a lot throughout this move call . But yeah it was weird . Sunday night came and that is when we had the whole explosion ( that night Elder Chen in his planner drew a picture of a volcano ) . After we had returned home , things settled down and we went about planning the next day . Then Elder Barson called and asked if we would like to go to Fo Guang Shan with him and Elder Turner the next day . I think this literally helped me personally so much and as well as our companionship in starting the week off . It was just very peaceful and relaxing to go out and see some of Taiwan 's wonders and as well as learn a little more about the Taiwanese people and Buddhism . Miraculously and truly the Lord blessed me and Elder Chen as well so much . That night we worked hard together in being diligent and doing the best we could . Tuesday followed and we tried working our best again ( granted some nights we need to make more thorough and specific plans or making sure we have back up plans so as to have really good days ) and it felt like a good day . However , at Tuesday night I got a little stress as Elder Magnuson ( yes the one from my first district ) called us and said that him and his Trainee were having to move out Wednesday night of their apartment to a new apartment . So quick background is that at the start of this move call we split the beginning English class into two and I was teaching the younger age beginning class ( around maybe 6 or 7 people ) . But so Elder Magnuson told me that they won 't be their at English ( he is our English Leader ) so he was going to have Sister Smith and Sister Ward teach the advanced class ( their class ) and have me and Elder Chen teach the two beginning classes together ( so a total of about 16 or 17 students ) . Granted this gave me a bit of stress as I was used to teaching the smaller class at this point as well as I had already prepared my lesson for a SMALLER class . So the next morning ( Wednesday ) I had to spend my time preparing again for English . Needless to say truly the Lord blessed me because the class went really well ( Elder Chen as well as Gao Rei said it was really good ) . So that made me feel good at the end of the day . Thursday came and this day we had to do weekly planning . So we left the door at 2 rushing to go eat lunch since we had lessons at 3 and 4 . However , while eating both lessons called and canceled ( huge bummer : ( So we sat their thinking for a bit and decided to go visit formers that we have accumulated from trying to call but their numbers are useless now but still have an address . So first we stopped back in our apartment because it was really cold outside ( we had a cold front come through ) and grabbed jackets as well as one of the formers lives in our apartment complex . So we visited them first . We asked the security guard person at the front desk to try calling their home for us , but no one answered . So we tried knocking on their door , and still no one answered . So sadly we moved on to go visit the next one . This next former had met with missionaries 3 years before and was now about 20 . He also lives in an apartment complex . We arrived and had the security guard call the home , but no one answered . Graciously enough , when we asked , the security guard was nice enough to let us in and go knock on their door ( sometimes they are mean and won 't let us in : ( So we go to the door and knock . An older gentleman answers and we find out it is the former 's dad . He is very kind though and lets us come in . We go in and sit down on the couch and the first thing I see is sitting on the table in front of the couches is a cage . And in the cage is a . . . . . . . . . . squirrel ! No really , a squirrel . Of course Elder Chen does more of the talking about the squirrel ( because come on , I am only here in Taiwan for 4 months , I am not going to know how to say anything about a squirrel ) . But so this guy has a pet squirrel . After introducing for a little bit and settling in , the man then lets the squirrel out . So this squirrel is just having the time of its life running everywhere ( the man as well has a ladder set up so that often times the squirrel will go there to poop , which is easy clean up since nobody has carpet here . It is all tile ) . So at first as Elder Chen and I are talking with this man and getting to know him we keep trying to touch the squirrel , but it keeps running away . But as we start focusing more and teaching this old gentleman about our Church , Heavenly Father , and prayer the squirrel then runs over us . As we drew our focus away from the squirrel to the man , the squirrel would then get close to us and run on us . So I had a squirrel in this lesson that was jumping onto my thighs and onto my shoulders , and even at one point because I was wearing my rain jacket the squirrel jumped onto my shoulder and was really curious about one of the plastic tighten fasteners . So he sat there trying to chew on it and I noticed and so put my hand up to pet him as well as get him to stop , but he didn 't stop until after like 10 seconds . So yeah we tauThen Friday came and this was the day for the two Gao Xiong Zones to meet for the mission tour . Yes a mission tour . Elder Funk of the Seventy and his wife came and visited our mission ( he talked in Priesthood Session about the boy who served in India and they were the mission president and wife , talking a lot about becoming humble , obedience , and receiving spiritual strength ) . It was really good and learned more about how to really work with the ward and to know them , not be a stupid or inconsiderate missionary . Afterwards Elder Chen had an interview with President Blickenstaff which I feel really helped for both of them so that they know each other more and President Blickenstaff can help Elder Chen more . As well since President Blickenstaff had time , I sat down and talked with him for a little bit about my own feelings and such . He really helped me so much and helped in teaching me much more . First , he talked about that having a native companion as a second companion is one of the hardest things ( as well as P . Blickenstaff had a native companion as his second whose English was not very good at all , like Elder Chen or even worse , so I don 't know what that entails for me in the future . . . . . ) . He also talked about how to strive to use your time effectively even when companions aren 't maybe using time as best as they can . He talked about how he doesn 't hold anyone disobedient or bad if their companion is the one not being obedient . He also talked about always , always , always try to never get frustrated or angry . So one of the things I am working and striving towards is greater patience with myself , Elder Chen and having greater love . He also mentioned that sometimes we are called to certain places or with certain companions mainly because of that companion . He said that if all that I do in a move call is help that companion be that much more obedient , or have a greater testimony or understanding of doctrines or principles , then that is a success . Saturday was great as we had Ward Correlation and our Ward Mission Leader is amazing . They have such a great family . But they had left overs from their Thanksgiving and gave us as well as the Sister missionaries rolls and mashed potatoes and gravy ( and these were good mashed potatoes and gravy . Even better than the MTC ) . Well so this is some of the doings of my week and that truly the Lord has blessed me so much when I have been so ungrateful and complaining . Granted I feel that definitely being with Elder Chen is to grow my patience like none other because there times where things he does causes me to stress more and make my patience thin . But I really feel that it is teaching to be better and as P . Blickenstaff said to strive to never get frustrated and have love and think of how I can help Elder Chen , because quite possibly that is all that the Lord has planned for me with this move call is to help Elder Chen improve and be better and love himself . Also I am taking a wild guess ( yes I received my package this last week and it is all great . The chocolates are wonderful ) that the two lieutenant clone troopers LEGOs are from a bigger box at home with bigger LEGOs . Dui4 bu2 dui4 ( correct ? ) ? I love you lots and miss you lots and always think of the wonderful memories and good times being with you , with mom , with the family . Keep on keeping on ! Cool cool ! Sounds like you had a good dinner still . Yes it is sad that neither Allisa nor I were not there for Thanksgiving . Man Man Lai , or slowly come . It is weird to think but I have been away from home now 6 months . That is already 1 / 4 of my mission ! Wah ! ! ! Where does the time go ? I am sure if you were to see me there would be many things that would surprise you . Really ! ! ! ! ! ! Like there was one time Elder Dailey and I went to a resteraunt ( still can never spell that word ) . We ate their once before with our Recent Convert ( RC ) . But this time it was just us ( it is Korean style ) . But so I remember what I ordered the previous time and thought that was good . But as I was looking at the menu I couldn 't between two which was the right one ( because it is all in Chinese Characters ) . So I picked one that I thought it was right . Turns out it wasn 't . They came out with this big bowl that included noodles , soup , hundreds of small little minos ( those little tiny fish ) , muscles , two shrimp ( and they are the whole shrimp , head , legs , and everything ) , and as well as some little tiny octopus about the size of a golf ball ) . I just sat there for a minute and was staring at it and contemplating in my head " crap , this is not what I had last time , but I don 't want to leave food sitting here , so . . . . . . . . " . And so I just jumped in and started eating it . Needless to say I ate at least 2 / 3 to 3 / 4 of it . Elder Dailey was totally surprised that I starting eating it and ate so much of it . After I ate as much as I could feel like without feeling embarrassed of leaving uneaten food I said " Dad , can I go get a candy bar now ? " ( p . s . Trainers and Trainees have the joke of Dad and Son ) . And that is just what we did . I went and bought a Twix as well as a bag of Mint Crispy M & Ms ( I think I forgot to tell you that yeah they have Mint Crispy M & Ms here . Sweet ! ! ! ! ) . Definitely this past week has been one of the hardest by far . I have turned to Heavenly Father many times and pleaded in prayer , but I still don 't understand everything that He wants me to learn right now . This past week I just spiraled and built into much much more stress . It seems always that we have a hard time getting planning done in half an hour at night which then causes us to lead into eating up time to relax , wind down , and get ready for bed . So then often times I am never in bed at 10 : 30 . I also don 't get time sometimes to do all I want at night that I would like to ( like flossing or doing some core exercises ) . So Wednesday was just a hard and really down day . Thursday started out a bit the same with the same feelings and just feeling down and not having the Spirit or light of Christ or happy . We met with our RC later that afternoon , but both of us were feeling awful because we hadn 't done much or been effective from the morning to that point in time . But so after our lesson I said ok , I don 't want to have a crappy night . I know that we will all have experiences in our lives , but it will always be our choice how we react to them . So we said a prayer together which I offered starting in Chinese but switched to English because I was really needing to fervently pray and plead for help . I don 't remember exactly what we did Thursday night , but I remember we worked hard and I had gotten up from that prayer that I was going to have a good night and not let myself feel like crap like the night before . I truly testify that prayer however simple or however small and insignificant you may feel , Heavenly Father will hear and answer your prayers . But so Thursday night was really great . But then Friday turned around again as plan wasn 't as specific or well planned as it should . So Friday was okish . But I just felt worse and worse as I felt I wasn 't a good missionary and wasn 't obedient ( knowing I could do more , do better , and be more obedient ) such as eating to long at meals with RCs or meeting too long with investigators or LAs and feeling that we should be moving on to our next task and using our time to try and find others . I always get the recurring haunting feeling of if there had been someone I could have saved , could have brought unto Christ , but didn 't because I wasn 't obedient , it will be upon my head . So this progressed into Saturday and I felt just as about as worse and was explaining my situation of not feeling obedient or a good missionary to our RC as he had gone to lunch with us . He talked with me and explained about that I am good and am obedient and that with each companion it will be different . They will have their own weaknesses , own strengths , own gifts . But so Saturday there were many blessings given to us ( we had 4 lessons , which is a lot to have in 1 day for us in a long time ) as well as having a Thanksgiving dinner . A LA in the San Min Ward owns a English class / school and was throwing a thanksgiving dinner and wanted to invite as many missionaries as possible as well . So we had all the missionaries from San Min Ward , Yuan Shan Ward , and Feng Shan Ward ( totalling 14 missionaries ) . It was a great dinner and when we arrived there Elder Anderson and Elder Mckenzie were already there early with another member helping to set things up and get it ready . But so Elder Mckenzie and David ( the member ) were trying to carve a turkey and some chickens , but they didn 't know what to do . So they were just trying to cut at it and such . But so David kept asking if I could do it , but I was a little reluctant because I have never carved a turkey before . Eventually I took the knife though and so I carved a turkey as well as several chickens that we had . And I might say to not brag or anything , but that I did a pretty good job . Sunday came and that morning we have about a 25 minute bike ride to church . Elder Chen didn 't come out of the shower until about 8 : 25 . So my stress and anxiety went up more . So church ended up being okish as my stress had now just been accumulating more and more and feeling like I wasn 't good or obedient at all . I had to go to ward council as well after church and after that one of the members who is a good friend gave me a little note saying she doesn 't know how she can help and can see that I am under a lot of pressure and reassuring me that I can do it and Heavenly Father is there and that if I ever need help she will help . So after ward council I sought out Elder Barson and talked with him one on one in a classroom sharing just about everything that I have been trying to share and asking for a priesthood blessing . What he shared and said most that struck me was having patience and love . But the blessing truly helped me a lot in relieving some stress and helping me to calm down . I also can truly testify that the Priesthood is real , and when exercised in righteousness and purity can work miracles that bless lives and families . So we went home to eat and do studies . I was ok through that time . but when it got to almost before 6 to leave the door and go out Elder Chen was making some calls to see if we could try and visit some people that night ( we didn 't have any time much the previous night to plan Sunday because we had come in the door pretty late from a lesson that had started a little late and had gone long ) . He ended up talking to for 2 hours ( we were still in our apartment and hadn 't left yet ) . I used the beginning part to update some teaching forms . We had set in our plan to go try a visit an LA close by at 8 with a member helping us . We didn 't leave out the door until 8 : 15 . We finally left and met up with the member , walked down the street to the LA 's house and outside things just kind of exploded . I started explaining and saying everything that I have now told you to the member and feeling that I am not good and not obedient . The member was acting as the peacemaker and mediator , talking to me and explaining about rules and like the rule for keeping lessons under 45 minutes ( which several times we haven 't done ) as well as Elder Chen talking for 2 hours with this guy and how he possibly really needs it . And then just talking about how Elder Chen and I are not the same , I have this great desire and drive to be obedient , and Elder Chen has a lot of love and compassion for people and talking with them to help them . We went home and Last night we were ok and such and played Chinese Chess to just kind of relax a little and ease up . Needless to say this is where I have arrived at today . I honestly don 't know how I feel . I already emailed President Blickenstaff with a shorter version of all this . So I will be awaiting to hear from him and his advice and help . Because I just don 't know really what to do or what steps to take because I have had too much stress , to much hurt , to much worry in my life right now . Yes I exercise and I am going to be pushing myself more on it . Every Tuesday , Thursday , and Saturday morning we run . Every Monday , Wednesday , and Friday we work out at home with the weights that we have . I don 't have any more pass offs with leaders with the languages . The next phases are just a whole bunch of flash cards . I have actually been studying Phase 3 a lot which is characters . So I can actually start to read more and more and definitely throughout the day I recognize characters and know them . I definitely miss reading and wish I could read out here . Something to look forward to when coming home is LotR and the Oregon Files . I will have to see about Ender 's Game when I come home . Wish so bad I could see the Hobbit . Oh well . . . . I will testify and stand this week though as it is Thanksgiving that I am grateful for the Savior . I am grateful for his sacrifice . I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sent him to atone for my sins and my mistakes . I know that Jesus is the Christ . Our Savior and Redeemer . He knows our sorrows , our pains , and our tribulations . I will always turn to him and be ever indebtted and grateful for his Atonement . Now to your letter . I have just been really trying to make sure to email those who I haven 't emailed in awhile ( Elder Devey , Allaina ) . But so now I am to your letter . I already read through it at the start of email . I am striving to understand and to embrace that to work hard and have fun . Not living up to expectations . But just doing my best . Yeah it really is true about Matt 's chopstick rusted contraption to hold his bike frame part together . He really did try to carry as much as he could . But of course I have a box which is simply put much bigger carrying room . I don 't feel like my Chinese is that good . I think Elder Dailey is just being nice . I honestly feel sometimes like my tongue can 't move and that my mind is just blank when I try to speak Chinese . I think what I could express from my end about a missionary that goes home early is that the parents need to support like none other . It 's a hard time and he will need to have the support and love because he is going to feel like he is a bad person , that others will judge him , and that others will think down on him . Then make sure to just talk with him and what his goals are , what he wants , and explain that maybe the path that is the hardest or may seem the hardest ( aka going back out ) will yield the greatest blessings , peace , comfort , and literally joy . Then next is to make sure that he doesn 't fall away from the basics . Prayer , scriptures , and church . Really I think he should right away if possible have a calling in the church . I didn 't mention this before , but actually I think was this past week that I had an interesting dream that revealed more about me . Ok laugh all you want and such , but in this dream I was with this really pretty girl . She was brunette . But we were going somewhere ( I don 't remember where ) . We were talking and she eventually asked " are you happy ? " I remember thinking it wasn 't just an answer I gave because I was with her but more so in response to my life at this very moment right now . The steps I have taken over the last year and arriving at this point in time in Taiwan . I remember responding that " yes , yes I am truly happy . I haven 't been this genuinely happy and content before . " So yeah . . . . Off to Orlando to really just play and have fun ! Yeah someday , some time in the future I will eventually have my own family . Don 't know where or when though . If Sahara has a dinner party with the princesses I will bust up laughing to the point of rolling on the floor because I would want to see Marty 's face so bad . I am sure he would love that to see his daughter with a whole bunch of princesses . Marty 's little princess girl : ) I will for sure let you know about anything to pray or fast for . I would say pray for our new investigator . He is progressing in quitting smoking . I think to pray that he will have the strength to continue progressing and overcome this trial as well as his mom 's heart will be softened and see the changes in his life . Well I am really striving hard to keep clean . For some reason over the past 3 or 4 days the temptations and thoughts have been a killer to handle with . For some reason just been much harder . Something I have repented of as well that I feel was an ok victory was last night Elder Chen and I were at 7 because he needed to use the restroom . But so he was on the phone talking with a new investigator we got this past week . He has a lot of hopelessness and I feel depression in his life . But so Elder Chen was talking for a long time while I was sitting by him . I was looking around and such and looking back over my shoulder I see the magazine aisle and of course somethings stand out to the eye more ( like especially for the natural man when there is more immoral things ) . But so I tried to focus my attention to other things . It was getting close to time where we really needed to go home quick ( we had about a 20 minute bike ride home ) . So I was tapping my watch to let Elder Chen know as well as I stood up to let him know we really needed to get going ( but this new investigator really likes to talk ) . But so I ended I was standing and then I ended up walking around eventually ending up on the magazine aisle . I remember standing there and looking ( over all the magazines from sports to cars to anything ) and then having a few thoughts coming to mind . One was that I don 't want to deal with the crap and baggage that comes from this . As well as I remember Brother Lindsley sharing one time that he was at an airport and in one of the stores and that he was in front of some magazines and that there were some pretty awful immodest and immoral magazines . He instead moved on not even thinking about it . Later on the plane he then realized and found out that some other young men or members as well had seen him in front of the magazines and saw that he didn 't pick them up or anything but instead just moved on and how it touched them to see his integrity and faithfulness . So he didn 't even know others were watching . But so yeah I had these feWell to share a more funny experience . Last Friday Elder Chen and I went on exchanges with the Zone leaders . Elder Chen went to San Min with Elder Hu and Elder Bennett came to Fengshan . So Friday night we had to do English proselyting for an hour as a district since it fell through on Tuesday night . But afterwards we went to eat at a resteraunt in Yuanshan ( Elder Turner , Elder Barson , Elder Bennett , and I ) called La Salsas . It is owned by a guy from Colombia who married a lady from Taiwan and their son works there too . I believe they are members . Lots of us missionaries eat there . But so we are sitting there waiting for our food and there is music playing overhead and you are never going to guess what came on ! ? Numa Numa by Ozone ( a Romanian band whose song became famous because of a fat guy dancing in front of his computer to this song ) . But so all of us were just " we are not really hearing what we think we are hearing " . And we are all just laughing and eventually singing along too to the song . It was a great laugh and was priceless . Well I love you lots and miss you all the time ! Can 't wait to catch up on Top Gear ! ( p . s . I saw a Ferrari 599 as well as a Ferrari F360 Scuderia this past week ) Sweet about the packages . I will keep my eyes open and as well have the batteries ready when it comes . It will be exciting when they come . I definitely always look forward to mail and packages . Even the ads for the grocery store we shop at I look forward to so I can read it while I eat breakfast . Cool cool . And you know me , I am careful with my things , I will not go at the package like a lunatic with a knife . So for the Axe hair cream funny thing happened the previous Sunday but I forgot to say it last week in the email . Right now I am using one can and have another extra one I think . But Sunday morning I was opening my Axe can and it slipped out of my hands . . . . . . . right into the sink . . . . . . . . . Initially of course my reaction was oh crap , that is so not fair . But after like 5 seconds I was just calm and such . But so about half of the cream fell into the sink . So I began working my best to scoop it with my hands and put it back into the can . Needless to say I think I lost about 1 / 4 to a 1 / 3 of my hair cream from that can . Cool cool you have 2 midterms done and that your professor goes that far and is that caring to get to know each of his students . And yes I am probably going to go to BYU when I come back . That is also another reason for going to BYU is all the cute girls , especially since they have good standards and the same goal of marriage in the temple . If you passed my photo and address along , you honestly would rank as the coolest mom ever and probably even more confident and courageous than I am . So you got to go eat with the Dailey 's this past week . Fun fun . I am sure that was cool to listen to Matt . Yeah let me tell you something about winter melon tea . When I first got here and had the first time I didn 't like it . The second time was so - so . By the third time I liked it . And yes the starch balls are interesting with it . But winter melon tea with milk is so good ! So all those stories you mentioned were all from one person . That is our RC . The one that is the hair stylist . He is quite the character . But he actually came home this past Saturday ( he left last Monday to go for 4 weeks and do a short term mission ) because his mom had had a stroke . So Elder Chen and I with Frank went to the hospital a little after he had gone there on Saturday ( it was not in our area or zone I believe so we had to get the Assistant 's permission ) to visit and support . Elder Chen and I gave the RC 's mom a blessing . I anointed the oil and Elder Chen gave the blessing . Right after we finished they took his mom into the ICU . I have to say since I have been in Taiwan for now almost 4 months , I have been to the hospital more within this amount of time I think than my whole life . I have probably participated in about 8 - 10 blessings as well as other visits to the hospital . It 's crazy what you do and have the authority to do as missionaries . Yeah Elder Dailey was pretty busy the last several nights getting everything together . So I wasn 't fully expecting to have a letter at that time . That is why I wrote my letter for him over a week before he left . He told me he read it twice on the plane and it made him cry . Cool cool you got to go to Elder Dailey 's homecoming . That really means a lot that Elder Dailey 's mom said I was the perfect companion for him to end on . Such a weird and unique experience that you have two elders end up together with almost the same last name , that is pronounced the same , that went through similar experiences . Maybe God has a sense of humor to pair a Dayley with a Dailey , but also is sensitive and aware of all our needs and what will bless us the most . All I would say with the home teaching is keep up with it . Home teaching is key and vital to a ward . This is something that Taiwan seriously lacks is home teaching . It 's a little saddening to see that there is not much effort in doing home teaching . I really hope that it can improve over the years . So my new comp is from Taiyuan , up by Taibei . He comes from a family of six . His Dad is not a member , his Mom is a member . And then he has an older brother and sister as well as a younger brother . I think all the kids are active . Not sure . But so it was 7 years ago that the missionaries met with his family . So he was baptized when he was 12 . He went a little less active for a period , but then came back and is now serving a mission . He is on his 11th move call . He has been out for a year and one month . Dad I strive to be obedient as I can . I really do try to be obedient and do my best . It 's tiring and exhausting when I am trying to work at a pace that I know I am capable of doing but that I feel sometimes my companion cannot or just by nature is that much more relaxed . I really will try my best . It 's exhausting trying to be that strict and studious or to not be rude or mean some of the time . This brings another thought that I really try to do my best or maybe there are times where I slack , but I feel that I will never live up to being as good as you . Which leads to another part of me that I am discovering more and more . I 'll explain in a second . So the language is going well . I mean I have a native companion now that most of the time I am speaking Chinese . Even the Sisters in our ward are both native . So ward correlation is fun with being the only foreigner there . But yeah right before my move call with Elder Dailey I passed off my last Phase 1 language evaluation . I now have Phase 2 flashcards that I review as often as I can . This will build my vocabulary now . So the thing to explain . I am discovering and feeling often that I don 't have confidence in myself and that I doubt myself . I doubt whether I am a good missionary , whether I am a good person , whether I am being lazy and not working hard enough or I am working hard but that there are doubts that I am not . So this then paired with my harsh critical look at myself and perfectionism is a beast to deal with . I mean often times I do things or missionary work I do , that after it is done I then doubt what I just did and if it was good or not . Then the self - criticism kicks in and the perfectionism and I start beating myself up and saying man I should have done this or I know better to do this or man my faults and weaknesses just made me miss opportunities here . So then I get myself down . Over the last few days I have been having a lot of introspective thinking and pondering and I feel that I reached at the conclusion of why all of these are cascading together and causing me to feel over - worried , taking all the stresses and worries of the work and placing them on my own shoulders , and not enjoying as much as I could and being too serious and strict with myself . That conclusion is that I feel maybe I haven 't fully forgiven myself yet and that I am nervous and worried about messing up again . I know in my past I made some pretty dumb , stupid , big mistakes and that struggled with some nasty things for several years . My thoughts are that because of these past mistakes is that maybe I just really haven 't forgiven myself fully which causes my self - confidence to be very small and to doubt myself . And that the perfectionism and self - criticism thrive from me feeling worried and nervous that I don 't want to make mistakes again . I don 't want to feel the same pain again . I don 't want to fall like that again . So I feel that perhaps my brain is connecting that with my missionary work and that if I don 't do things perfect and that I don 't have investigators and that I don 't set up times to meet with people even though I try and they say tWell I love you with all my heart ! Pray for me that I will be patient with myself , with my new companion , and that I can have confidence in myself ! I didn 't even realize or remember that your anniversary was this Friday . This is a testament to how bad my memory is . Well Happy Anniversary ! I know it will be a little different that you will spend it at the Dailey 's home instead . But I think really one day won 't make a difference . Enjoy your anniversary and talking with Elder Dailey . I know I keep trying to do what I can . We had interviews this past week with President Blickenstaff , and I expressed to him the worries I am having and that I feel a lot of doubts that I am doing my best and such but that nothing is happening right now . President Blickenstaff told me I do not need to be placing all the mission 's worries on my shoulders and doing that to myself . He told me that it is a progression and that right now there might not seem like any success , but over the course of the mission I will see the results and reasons from being in Fengshan . To be honest the other hard part sometimes as I really try to do my best , is that I feel at times I don 't do my best or can 't because of being with a different companion . To best describe switching companions is like trying to jump from a bullet train to a steam locomotive . Both moving forward but at different speeds . With my first companion here , I was very much accustomed to being very strict and disciplined with the time and such . But my current companion is a much more relaxed and slower paced missionary . I guess best way to describe it is that he isn 't as studious about the time and such . He moves at a slower pace . So sometimes it 's been hard for me and I try to say and make sure we get going at times and that we use our time effectively . But sometimes it is really hard because it feels like I have to do it all the time . It feels if I let up really at all that it just slips back into a very much slower pace and lax way . I know I must not run faster or go faster than my companion is capable ( being considerate of my companion 's needs and not dragging him along behind me ) but sometimes I feel like I know and am capable of giving or being that much more diligent , but then my companion , because of his nature , is a little slower and not up to that speed . I don 't know , have any advice or such ? Cool cool about the package , something to look forward to over the next few weeks . I have two exchanges I will be doing this week ( I actually had an exchange last week with our district leader and another missionary . They came down to Fengshan . It was a lot of fun ) . Tomorrow my companion will go up to Yuanshan and be with the district leader this time and the district leader 's comp will come down to Fengshan and be with me . Yay ! MTC companions back together again . It will be good to see him again . Then on Friday we are exchanging with the Zone Leaders . My comp will go to San Min and I will stay here in Fengshan for the exchange . You are correct that it has now been one week with my new companion . He knows a little English . And I mean little in the way that he knows some words , but really has a hard time being able to speak English . So no joke most of the time I speak in Chinese . So everyone says my Chinese is going to fly now . But so yes I am trying to savor and relish every moment I have being with a native companion . I have asked him to teach me BPM so I can know how to type Chinese characters ( especially helpful with the dictionary we have on our phone ) . So switching companions has felt a little like jumping from one train to another train moving at a bit different speeds . My problem is that often times I am a conformist , that I conform myself more easily to fit with others rather than being loud and boisterous saying this is my will and this is how it is done . Probably why I am a blue and white rather than a red and / or yellow ( the color scheme from psychology ) . I often times am that shy , quiet person who much rather will please and fit in with others rather than be loud and demand my own will and pleasures . Although when things get uncomfortable or really not ok with me I speak up . But I am super nervous about doing it because I don 't want to upset or make people mad , or have feelings of hatred towards me . But we are doing much better . Still not getting to bed at 10 : 30 which needs improving , but it 's getting better . Usually try to make sure we are at least on the beds by 10 : 30 though . I am not going to lie though , there have been several times this past week where I have felt like senior companion because I know the area , I have been leading planning , getting us to places , setting up lessons , calling people , and such . So this past week there has been a lot more responsibility on my shoulders . Thanks for having the Teacher 's Quorum send letters . I am sure our new convert will really appreciate that . We got him a white shirt this past week as well as I gave him Elder Dailey 's note and tie . He looked good at church yesterday in a shirt and tie . So yes there are a few things on my mind that I will try to type as fast as I can . First is I got your letter this past week . I really appreciate and enjoy reading it . I think I have a big problem sometimes with self - confidence and doubting myself . A lot of times it is with missionary work , that I get thoughts and feelings that doubt myself and feel that I am not worthy of the praise that you say and tell me ( I am not the only missionary , literally every missionary I think feels this . Both my last and current companion have said they feel the same way ) . I really want to make you proud and Heavenly Father proud . Sometimes I don 't feel like I am anywhere near that potential . I feel like I am really trying hard in finding contacts here in Fengshan . I carry around a dead stack with me that I am trying to call through to find people that are willing and ready to hear the gospel . It 's just been so hard with finding . Our numbers are low . We only really have 1 progressing investigator right now . So I am really working hard to find new investigators and I have faith that we can find them . But then today I read Cody 's email and on move day he went with 3 other missionaries in Cuarnevaca and handed out 72 Book of Mormons in 3 hours with several people set up to meet and learn more . I don 't even know if that is something possible that can happen here . I just feel like I am trying hard and working as best as I can , doing what I know is right which is missionary work , the Lord 's work , but just not really having much of any people who will set up with us or who want to learn more or who are prepared and ready . I mean I know I am not suppose to compare myself with other missionaries . I guess I just have lack of self - confidence and doubt myself . I just need to know that I am doing what is right and that I am doing the Lord 's work and am doing my best ( I feel like I am ) . p . s . I really hate the wanka 's here where we email . Basically just think of a place that sucks peoples souls in and wastes there time away ( not just young kids but older men as well . It 's really sad and kind of pathetic too ) . But right at 2 hours they shut your computer off . I was just typing my name , Elder Dayley , and going to send and my computer shut off . So I had to go spend another 50 cents ( 15 kuai ) to add another hour on so I can say this and send your email . But yeah I love you so much and I miss you everyday , but I am content and fixed and can do the Lord 's work with all my attention . So first off to that 's awesome about getting a good grade on your test . I know it is frustrating when you get an answer and there is one that is almost it or the other choice is none of the above . I have personally had that happen multiple times . It is super annoying . . . . But yeah I often include you and Dad in my prayers as well as I think every fast since I have been here I include you and Dad in my prayer that Dad will be able to do his work well and that your school studies well and that the both of you can balance your lives and find time for each other , the dogs , for your own physical well being , and such . I really do care and miss you a lot . Poor Rusty . . . : ( all cold and shivering . Non of the weiner dogs here have to worry about a sweater . It 's still just as hot and everything . Ughhhhh ! Oh well I think I am fairly well used to how hot it is here all the time . So for Halloween , yeah I got the joke . I did take Jazz Band and everything . So I am familiar with the song Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend . Literally it didn 't even feel one bit like Halloween here . Large part of it is that it is super small here . So very different compared to the US . The other part is that really as a missionary it doesn 't feel like any day is special ( except P - Day : ) I think I remember right that Thursday night Elder Chen and I went tracting as well as calling through our APR ( basically has our investigators numbers as well as potential investigators that we can call and try to set up times with ) . Then afterwards we met up with the EQP to go visit first a member who is at a PVS place ( Persistant Vegitative State , he is 17 years old and got in a scooter accident , his head no joke looks like there is a second skull coming off of his normal skull . Also while we were there there was an earthquake ( my first one ! ) . It was a small one though ) and afterwards went to try a visit LAs . So that was my Halloween . Honestly I enjoy reading your letter . Don 't worry or fret that you don 't write like Dad . Each person is different . I like everything . Thanks for expressing and telling me I am a good missionary . I will probably say more in Dad 's email as well as Elder Dailey may have expressed some to Dad , but I just need to have more self - confidence and not doubt myself . So Elder Dailey went home today . It 's been a whirlwind of emotions over the past week for the both of us . I am sure Elder Dailey will tell more when he sees you . Needless to say I am sad , excited , feelings of joy and success , a little envy , and so on . But so as I have said my new companion is a bendiren , or a native Elder . His name is Chen Wei Qing . He is coming down from Taizhong . So Elder Turner and I are companions together until this afternoon when our new companions arrive . But our district has grown again from 6 to 8 missionaries and our English class missionaries are now at 14 missionaries ( both our district and the San Min District work together in the same English program ) . But so for this past week not a lot of interesting things have happened . Just been a lot of the same old , same old . We have been progressing with an investigator . Definitely have grown to love him , but it 's a little hard with getting a baptismal date since he has parental opposition . Elder Dailey can tell more about him . So one thing that I have found interesting and a little bothersome is that one of the commandments is to obey the Word of Wisdom . But Missionary life gets so hectic and sometimes the sacrifices you make for others shoots holes in your plans and eating times . As well as only eating 3 times a day . So I strive and want to have a healthy body , but how am I suppose to when sometimes schedules get messed up due to missionary life and sacrificing for your investigators and those around you ? Something that I have come to realize and recognize more and more is that I struggle with patience and trust . So my goal for my mission is to develop these attributes , to grow them , and have them become some of my strongest strengths . I wish to be able to trust more in the Lord , to not worry too much and put too much stress upon myself . I wish to be able to be patient more , waiting for the Lord 's timing knowing that the blessings will come in His time and in His way . Sorry I feel like I am not saying much . I guess I feel like I don 't have a lot to say right now . My mind is kind of scattered and in many places . I will try to concentrate more this week and have better prepared things to say next week . Yay ! That I got accepted to BYU . Thanks for deferring it . When the time gets closer I will need to figure out more which semester to try and get into since it is deferred to the semester to start in January . Something for the future . As for the teachers I think written or typed letters sent by slow mail are best and that they can write about personal ways they come closer to Christ . What they do personally from reading , to prayer , to service , exercising the priesthood . I really think those testimonies will be the most effective . That 's what I feel a lot of our converts need is their own personal conversion , having 3 pillars secured that are prayer , scriptures , and church attendance . I love you with all my heart ! I miss you like none else ! But I am excited and a little nervous but willing and ready moving forward to the next chapter in my story . Elder Dailey will have things for you as well as will have many things to share . Don 't be afraid to talk and ask about anything and everything . I 've accepted a call to serve in the Taiwan Taichung Mission for 2 years ( May 2013 - 2015 ) . I entered the Missionary Training Center ( MTC ) in Provo , Utah , on May 29 , 2013 . I 'm scheduled to depart for Taiwan on July 30 , 2013 . I 'll be sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ to the people in Taiwan in the native Mandarin Chinese language .

The magazine story behind Sebastian Junger 's celebrated nonfiction book A Perfect Storm ran in Outside magazine in October 1994 . " The Storm " ( 4 , 765 words ) told the story of the Andrea Gail , a fishing boat out of Gloucester , Mass . , that sank amid horrific weather , killing everyone aboard . It 's a harrowing narrative , and particularly remarkable for being - by virtue of nature and fate - a write - around . Storyboard 's questions and comments for Junger are in blue ; Junger 's answers - which he kindly offered by phone - are in red . Junger : I was living in Gloucester and working as a climber for tree companies , so I did all the aerial work . I hit my leg with a chainsaw and tore it open . While I was recovering , I gave some thought to dangerous work and how it never really got written about very much . I was a struggling writer and I thought , " Well , maybe I 'll write about this . " And then this huge storm hit Gloucester and a boat was lost . So I thought I 'd have the first chapter be on the storm and the loss of the Andrea Gail . I wrote about 50 pages , turned it in to Outside , and they bought it . Junger : I can say for both the article and the book that one was inviting myself into a very close - knit , somewhat skeptical community of Gloucester fishermen . Even though I lived in Gloucester , I wasn 't part of the fishing community . That had to be done sort of carefully . Also , I was writing about something where a lot of things couldn 't be known for sure . And I didn 't want to fictionalize , obviously , because I considered myself a journalist . But I 'd read a book called The Hot Zone by Richard Preston , and he 'd do this thing where he 'd say , " Maybe he took a walk " or " Maybe he watched the sunset . " It was all about questions . It was strictly within journalistic standards , but he was able to create a scene of possibilities and probabilities . If you use that with a very light touch , you 're not claiming you know anything you can 't know , but you are presenting the reader with possibilities to contemplate . I realized that was how I could write about a boat sinking without knowing how . I don 't think so . What I wanted to do was to write a book , so the story was really a stepping - stone . If I were to just write an article about a situation like that , I think I would approach it pretty much the same . There wouldn 't be an enormous difference . " They that go down to the sea in ships … see the deeds of the Lord . They reel and stagger like drunken men , they are at their wits ' end . " - Psalm 107 GLOUCESTER , MASSACHUSETTS , IS A TOUGH TOWN OF 28 , 000 PEOPLE , squeezed between a rocky coast and a huge tract of scrub pine and boulders called Dogtown Common . Local widows used to live in Dogtown , along with the forgotten and the homeless , while the rest of the community spread out along the shore . Today , a third of all jobs in Gloucester are fishing related , and the waterfront bars - the Crow 's Nest , the Mariners Pub , the Old Timer 's Tavern - are dark little places that are unmistakably not for tourists . One street up from the coastline is Main Street , where the bars tend to have windows and even waitresses , and then there is a rise called Portugee Hill . Halfway up Portugee Hill is Our Lady of Good Voyage Church , a large stucco construction with two bell towers and a statue of the Virgin Mary , who is looking down with love and concern at the bundle in her arms . The bundle is a Gloucester fishing schooner . It 's a lovely opening , the way you inform the reader of Gloucester 's population size , geography , economy - and then , in the last sentence , bring it around to the focal point of the story . What prompted you to begin this way ? I felt like I had to get into the place quickly and efficiently . I really like beginning stories by imagining them as the beginning of a movie . In the opening scene of a movie about Gloucester , what would the tracking shot be ? Where would it come to rest ? I think visually when I write . The sculpture on that church is really arresting and I thought , " I think I would pan across Gloucester and stop on that image . " I should say , having a Gloucester schooner instead of the Baby Jesus in Mary 's arms is such a stunningly pagan move that , as an atheist and an anthropologist , I was just charmed by it . Also , it communicates how frightening this job must have been , that they visualized the help they needed in that way . SEPTEMBER 18 , 1991 , WAS A HOT DAY IN GLOUCESTER , TOURISTS shuffling down Main Street and sunbathers still crowding the wide expanses of Good Harbor Beach . Day boats bobbed offshore in the heat shimmer , and swells sneaked languorously up against Bass Rocks . Where did you get this information ? It feels like you were there . I lived in Gloucester for years . Honestly , I can 't remember if I was there on Sept . 18 or not . I knew what the weather was , obviously , so I was drawing the rest from experience . At Gloucester Marine Railways , a haul - out place at the end of a short peninsula , Adam Randall stood contemplating a boat named the Andrea Gail . He had come all the way from Florida to go swordfishing on the boat , and now he stood considering her uneasily . The Andrea Gail was a 70 - foot longliner that was leaving for Canada 's Grand Banks within days . He had a place on board if he wanted it . " I just had bad vibes , " he would say later . Without quite knowing why , he turned and walked away . How did you hear about Randall ? I 'm not sure I did that consciously and on purpose . There are a lot of instinctive moves in writing , so it 's very possible I didn 't consciously say , " Oh , this would be great if I began and ended with him . " But your unconscious mind works in really interesting ways . I 'm sure it 's the same with musicians . When people improvise in music , I 'm sure they do it in ways their conscious mind can 't keep up with , but you can parse it later and see they were thinking in a really organized way . Longliners are steel - hulled fishing boats that gross as much as $ 1 million in a year . Up to half of that can be profit . Swordfish range up and down the coast from Puerto Rico to Newfoundland , and the longliners trail after them all year like seagulls behind a day trawler . The fish are caught with monofilament lines 40 miles long and set with a thousand hooks . For the crew , it 's less a job than a four - week jag . They 're up at four , work all day , and don 't get to bed until midnight . The trip home takes a week , which is the part of the month when swordfishermen sleep . When they get to port the owner hands each of them several thousand dollars . A certain amount of drinking goes on , and then a week later they return to the boat , load up , and head back out . Here and elsewhere you really capture the life of a fisherman . How much time did you spend with them ? I didn 't go out on longliners , because they go out for four to six weeks . There are insurance issues . So I went out on other longline boats that were day boats . I didn 't spend a lot of time . Mostly I just interviewed fishermen . Some of the stuff in this paragraph would have come from Bob Brown . He was very generous with his time , particularly about the Andrea Gail , and not defensive at all . Sword boats come from all over the East Coast - Florida , the Carolinas , New Jersey . Gloucester , which is located near the tip of Cape Ann , a 45 - minute drive northeast from Boston , is a particularly busy port because it juts so far out toward the summer fishing grounds . Boats load up with fuel , bait , ice , and food and head out to the Grand Banks , about 90 miles southeast of Newfoundland , where warm Gulf Stream water mixes with the cold Labrador current in an area shallow enough - " shoal " enough , as fishermen say - to be a perfect feeding ground for fish . The North Atlantic weather is so violent , though , that in the early days entire fleets would go down at one time , a hundred men lost overnight . Even today , with loran navigation , seven - day forecasts , and satellite tracking , fishermen on the Grand Banks are just rolling the dice come the fall storm season . But swordfish sells for around $ 6 a pound , and depending on the size of the boat a good run might take in 30 , 000 to 40 , 000 pounds . Deckhands are paid shares based on the catch and can earn $ 10 , 000 in a month . So the tendency among fishermen in early fall is to keep the dice rolling . The Andrea Gail was one of maybe a dozen big commercial boats gearing up in Gloucester in mid - September 1991 . She was owned by Bob Brown , a longtime fisherman who was known locally as Suicide Brown because of the risks he 'd taken as a young man . He owned a second longliner , the Hannah Boden , and a couple of lobster boats . The Andrea Gail and the Hannah Boden were Brown 's biggest investments , collectively worth well over a million dollars . The Andrea Gail , in the language , was a raked - stem , hard - chined , western - rig boat . That meant that her bow had a lot of angle to it , she had a nearly square cross - section , and her pilothouse was up front rather than in the stern . She was built of welded steel plate , rust - red below waterline , green above , and she had a white wheelhouse with half - inch - thick safety glass windows . How do you decide the degree to which you laymanize terms ? I mean , I understand maybe half of this . Does it depend on the publication ? You know , sometimes I just like the sound of the language . I like the fact that you could be on a boat - or with soldiers , for that matter - and guys would say things you didn 't understand . And that was part of the experience of being there . You know , if a reader wants to look that up , he can . But it doesn 't really matter for the story what rake - stem means - and right now I can 't remember what the hell it means - but that 's not a detail that has any effect on the story itself . In this case , it 's more of an artifact , more atmospheric . If this particular quality to her hull design had an effect on her sinking , I would explain what it is . But I just wanted people to taste the language of that world , and I didn 't feel they always needed to know exactly what it all meant . Fully rigged , for a long trip , she carried hundreds of miles of monofilament line , thousands of hooks , and 10 , 000 pounds of baitfish . There were seven life preservers on board , six survival suits , an emergency position indicating radio beacon , and one life raft . These are great , specific detail - where did you find them ? And what sort of documentation did you use as sourcing ? Some of this information came from the insurance adjuster , who evaluates boats and recommends changes for safety . He inspected the Andrea Gail . The Andrea Gail was captained by a local named Frank " Billy " Tyne , a former carpenter and drug counselor who had switched to fishing at age 27 . Tyne had a reputation as a fearless captain , and in his ten years of professional fishing he had made it through several treacherous storms . He had returned from a recent trip with almost 40 , 000 pounds of swordfish in his hold , close to a quarter of a million dollars ' worth . Jobs aboard Tyne 's boat were sought after . So it seemed odd , on September 18 , when Adam Randall walked back up the dock at Gloucester Marine Railways and returned to town . Randall 's replacement was 28 - year - old David Sullivan , who was mildly famous in town for having saved the lives of his entire crew one bitter January night two years before . I love the use of ' mildly ' . Was this meant to suggest that a ) Gloucester residents are a tough crowd and b ) that heroics were not unprecedented ? It 's a tough town and there are a lot of guys like that . Every guy on those boats has done something pretty outrageous , at one point or another . What Sully did was just a bit more outrageous . Unconsciously , probably , I was trying to communicate that . If Sully were from Edgartown or something , he would be locally famous . But in Gloucester , it 's like okay . It happens every once in a while and it might get you a couple of free drinks . When his boat , the Harmony , had unexpectedly begun taking on water , Sullivan had pulled himself across a rope to a sister ship ' and got help just in time to rescue his sinking crew . Along with Sullivan were a young West Indian named Alfred Pierre ; 30 - year - old Bobby Shatford , whose mother , Ethel , tended bar at the Crow 's Nest on Main Street ; and two men from Bradenton Beach , Florida - Dale Murphy , 30 , and Michael " Bugsy " Moran , 36 . I like that we don 't get into a bunch of individual back stories here - we cut straight to the boat setting sail , then back up for the wide - angle view . Why did you do this ? And why was it important to specify the age of each man ? Generally , what I try to put into a story - particularly if there 's a word count - is the information the reader needs to know in order to understand the outcome ; the descriptive passages they need in order to feel like they 're there ; and just enough about all the people involved so you can identify them and understand why they make the choices they do . Readers just aren 't that interested in people 's biographies . They don 't really care that much what town they grew up in . You know , I spent a lot of time with American soldiers , and the standard news reporting - if you 're talking to a soldier and quoting him - is to say where he 's from and whether he likes the Red Sox . People just don 't give a shit . I really try to avoid the details that seem kind of perfunctory , not necessary , and ultimately not that interesting . FOR SEVERAL GENERATIONS AFTER THE FIRST BRITISH settlers arrived in Gloucester , the main industries on Cape Ann were farming and logging . Then around 1700 the cod market took off , and Gloucester schooners began making runs up to the Grand Banks two or three times a year . French and Basque fishermen had already been working the area from Europe since 1510 , perhaps earlier . They could fill their holds faster by crossing the Atlantic and fishing the rich waters of the Banks than by plying their own shores . The sense of history here and the Biblical epigraph give this story a certain timelessness . The fact that fishermen will always be at the sea 's mercy , no matter the technology , reinforces this . How do you develop a story 's themes ? Do you see them immediately or work your way into them ? You don 't want to start with history , because everyone 's eyes glaze over . But in Gloucester , people have a very strong sense of the town 's fishing heritage . Personally , I think it 's amazing that Basque fishermen were crossing the Atlantic . Everything that people do , people have been doing for a really long time . And I think the public forgets that , and I 'd kind of like to remind them of it . It 's personally pleasing to me to do that . I went to the Gloucester library and took out all their books on fishing . I 'd go through them and mark the details that stuck out . Sometimes one detail can represent pages of history - you know , just sums it up . Basically , if it 's something that makes me laugh , makes me think , or makes me wonder , then it goes in . If this is lighting me up intellectually , then it goes in . I try to edit my work in different states of mind . So I 'll go running on a really hot day and then read the 2 , 000 words I just wrote . Or if I 'm upset , or really sleepy , or if I 'm drunk , I 'll read this stuff . If you 're sleepy and you find yourself skipping over a paragraph because you 're bored by it and just want to get to the interesting part , it comes out . Those different states of mind are a really interesting filter . and adding them up at the end of the trip . When fog rolled in , the dories would drift out of earshot and were often never heard from again . Occasionally , weeks later , a two - man dory crew might be picked up by a schooner bound for , say , Pernambuco or Liverpool . The fishermen would make it back to Gloucester several months later , walking up Main Street as if returning from the dead . The other danger , of course , was storms . Like a war , a big storm might take out all the young men of a single town . In 1862 , for example , a winter gale struck 70 schooners fishing the dangerous waters of Georges Bank , east of Cape Cod . The ships tried to ride out 50 - foot seas at anchor . By morning 15 Gloucester boats had gone down with 125 men . At least 4 , 000 Gloucestermen have been lost at sea , but some estimates run closer to 10 , 000 . Any idea what accounts for the disparity ? Gloucester is not a big town . I think the records are pretty good at 4 , 000 and mythological at 10 , 000 . But that 's also part of the town 's idea of itself . I mean , I don 't know where I got that number - from a book , probably ? Even if that 's not a realistic number , it 's interesting that the town thinks that it might be . On some level , as a writer , I kind of feel like , who am I to say ? I don 't know , and I 'm certainly not going to spend three years trying to figure it out . Just report what they think . In the early days , a lot of superstition went into seafaring . Occasionally men stepped off of ill - fated boats on a hunch . Captains refused to set sail on Fridays , since that was the day their Lord had been crucified . Boats often had lucky silver coins affixed to the base of their masts , and crew members took care never to tear up a printed page because they never knew - most of them being illiterate - whether it was from the Bible . THE Andrea Gail TOOK NEARLY A WEEK TO REACH THE FISHING grounds . The six crewmen watched television , cooked and ate , slept , prepared the fishing gear , talked women , talked money , talked horse racing , talked fish , stared at the sea . How do you report this ? You do not hedge these details with " would have " or " might have . " These are such general and universal activities on a fishing boat . Everyone you talk to , when asked how they passed the time , would all basically say the same thing . And , again , these are also things that have no consequence in terms of what happened in the story . They were so probable , so general , that I could just make an assertion . Which is very different from saying the Andrea Gail capsized . I can 't know that . But can you imagine me saying they " might have " talked about women ? Like , of course they fucking talked about women . " Might have " would have sounded self - aware and trite . I 'm trying to be very scrupulous and honest with the reader about what can be known and not known but also not make the reading experience too awkward . Swordfishermen seldom eat swordfish when they 're out . Like many ocean fish , it 's often full of sea worms , four feet long and thick as pencils Such a wonderful , vivid analogy . Were you able to see a sea worm in the flesh ? , and though the worms are removed prior to market , many of the men who catch swordfish consider it fit only for the landlubbing public . At sea a fisherman will eat steak , spaghetti , chicken , ice cream , anything he wants . On ice in the Andrea Gail 's hold was $ 3 , 000 worth of groceries . Do you remember where you got these details ? The boat arrived at the Grand Banks around September 26 and started fishing immediately . On the main deck was a huge spool of 600 - pound - test monofilament , the mainline , which passed across a bait table and paid out off the stern . Baiters alternate at the mainline like oldtime axmen on a Douglas fir . They are expected to bait a hook with squid or mackerel every 15 seconds ; at this rate it takes two men four hours to set 40 miles of line . After they are done they shower and retire to their bunks . Around four in the morning the crew gets up and starts hauling the line . A hydraulic drum on the wheelhouse deck slowly pulls it in , and the crew unclips the leaders as they come . When there 's a fish at the end of a leader , deckhands catch it with steel gaffs and drag it , struggling , aboard . They saw the sword off , gut and behead the fish with a knife , and drop it into the hold . The crew has dinner in midafternoon , baits the line again , and sets it back out . They might then have a couple of beers and go to bed . You dispensed with the day - to - day activities of the fishermen in two paragraphs . That 's incredible economy . It might have originally been longer , but then I had a few drinks and read it . … You know , many of the writers that I admire are really economical with their prose . Like John McPhee ; I grew up reading him , and that was definitely the style I wanted to have as I learned to be a writer . The Andrea Gail had been out 38 days when the National Weather Service suddenly started issuing fax bulletins about a low - pressure system that was building over southern Quebec and heading out to sea : " DEVELOPING STORM 45N 73W MOVING E 24 KTS . WINDS INCREASING TO 35 KTS AND SEAS BUILDING TO 16 FT . " This is great specificity of detail that also shows us process and industry lingo ; what was your source ? It was Sunday , October 27 , very late to be pushing one 's luck on the Grand Banks . Most of the fleet was well to the east of Tyne , out on the high seas , but a 150 - foot Japanese swordboat named the Eishan Maru and the 77 - foot Mary T were fishing nearby . Tyne told Albert Johnston , the Mary T 's captain , that he had 40 , 000 pounds of fish in his hold - an impressive catch - and now he was heading home . Was there a recording of this conversation or was this based on the recollection of Johnston ? The question was , could he make it through the Canadian storm that was rapidly coming his way ? He would have to cross some very dangerous water while passing Sable Island , a remote spit 120 miles southeast of Nova Scotia , whose shoals are known to fishermen as the Graveyard of the Atlantic . That night Linda Greenlaw , the captain of Bob Brown 's other longliner , the Hannah Boden , radioed in and asked Tyne if he 'd received the weather chart . " Oh , yeah , I got it , " Tyne replied . " Looks like it 's gonna be wicked . " I assume , because this is in quotes , there was either a recording or you spoke to Greenlaw ? Though Billy Tyne had no way of knowing it , the heavy weather that was now brewing in the North Atlantic was an anomaly of historic proportions . Three years later , professional meteorologists still talk animatedly about the storm of ' 91 , debating how it formed and exactly what role Hurricane Grace played in it all . Generally , hurricanes this late in the season are anemic events that quickly dissipate over land . Hurricane Grace , though , never made it to shore ; a massive cold front , called an anticyclone , was blocking the entire eastern seaboard . Well off the Carolinas , Grace ran up against the cold front and literally bounced off . She veered back out to sea and , though weakened , churned northeast along the warm Gulf Stream waters . Did you speak to a meteorologist ? How did you educate yourself about weather systems ? I talked to a meteorologist named Bob Case . He was actually the guy who , in his frustration to explain to me why the storm was so bad , said , " Look , it was like a perfect storm . " I also pored over a lot of meteorological information on the storm and read books on the weather . At the same time , the low - pressure system that had developed over Quebec and moved eastward off the Canadian Maritimes was beginning to behave strangely . Normally , low - pressure systems in the region follow the jet stream offshore and peter out in the North Atlantic , the usual pattern of the well - known nor ' easter storms . But this system did the opposite : On Monday , October 28 , it unexpectedly stalled off the coast of Nova Scotia and began to grow rapidly , producing record high seas and gale - force winds . Then it spun around and headed back west , directly at New England , a reversal known as a retrograde . The use of " strangely " and " unexpectedly " makes this otherwise mundane description awfully frightening . Meteorologists still disagree on what caused the storm to grow so suddenly and then to retrograde . But the best theory offered by the National Weather Service and its Canadian equivalent , Environment Canada , is that it was caught between the counter - clockwise spin of the dying hurricane and the clockwise swirl of the anticyclone , creating a funnel effect that forced it toward the coast at speeds of up to ten knots . The farther west it tracked , the more it absorbed moisture and energy from the remnants of Hurricane Grace - and the more ferocious it became . The technical name for the new storm was a " midlatitude cyclone . " The people in its path , however , would later call it the No Name Hurricane , since it had all the force of a hurricane , but was never officially designated as one . And because the brunt of the storm would strike the eastern seaboard around October 31 , it would also acquire another name : the Halloween Gale . Your section kickers are terrific - you ratchet up the tension every time . How much attention do you pay to structure ? How do you go about structuring a piece ? I cut the original draft in half because 50 pages was too long . After that , it didn 't get changed very much . Generally , in my books and articles , most of the work is copyediting and fact checking . Whatever you 're reading , it 's probably the result of me making conscious or unconscious decisions . There 's undoubtedly some rhythm and structure in here that 's me trying to emulate John McPhee . He does that kind of thing a lot - those last sentences that drive home a point and leave you thinking . Oh , yeah . I think I incorporated his rhythms and sensibility very deeply in the way I write . I 'm sure there was a writer of some previous generation that he did that with . That kind of stuff just gets passed on . AROUND 6 P . M . ON MONDAY , October 28 , Tyne told the skipper of a Gloucester boat named the Allison that he was 130 miles north - northeast of Sable Island and experiencing 80 - knot winds . " She 's comin ' on , boys , and she 's comin ' on strong , " he said . According to Tyne , the conditions had gone from flat calm to 50 knots almost without warning . The rest of the fleet was farther east and in relative safety , but the Andrea Gail was all alone in the path of the fast - developing storm . She was probably running with the waves and slightly angled toward them - " quartering down - sea , " as it 's called - which is a stable position for a boat ; she 'll neither plow her nose into the sea nor roll over broadside . A wave must be bigger than a boat to flip her end - over - end , and the Andrea Gail was 70 feet long . But by this point , data buoys off Nova Scotia were measuring waves as high as 100 feet - among the highest readings ever recorded . Near Sable Island the troughs of such monsters would have reached the ocean floor . Tyne would have radioed for help if trouble had come on slowly - a leak or a gradual foundering , for example . This is a horrifying sentence , and smart ; informed conjecture based on what did not occur . Did you have to do a lot of that during the reporting process ? I talked to a lot of people about this , including fishermen and Bob Brown . At number of them said some variation of , " Whatever happened , happened quick . " Because the first thing you do if you get into trouble is radio the Coast Guard . So it 's conjecture , but it 's conjecture guided by other people 's expertise . WAVES OF UNIMAGINABLE PROPORTIONS HAVE BEEN RECORDED over the years . When Sir Ernest Shackleton skippered an open sailboat off the South Georgian Islands in May 1916 , he saw a wave so big that he mistook the foaming crest for a break in the clouds . " It 's clearing , boys ! " he yelled to his crew , and then , moments later : " For God 's sake , hold on , it 's got us ! " By some miracle they managed to survive . In 1933 in the South Pacific an officer on the USS Ramapo looked to stern and saw a wave that was later calculated to be 112 feet high . In 1984 a three - masted schooner named the Marques was struck by a single wave that sent her down in less than a minute , taking 19 people with her . Nine survived , including a strapping young Virginian who managed to force his way up through a rising column of water and out an open hatch . That you jumped from 1933 to 1984 , suggesting that rogue waves ( my grandfather saw one during World War II , when he was in the Coast Guard ) are a rarity , simply increases the tension . Was that your intent ? You know , I had a dozen accounts of rogue waves , and you can 't list a dozen examples in an article if you want people to read it . The Shackleton story is famous , but the USS Ramapo story is not . There 's just something about it that struck me . Three good examples is , in some ways , as good as 12 . The point is , there are huge waves , they are scary , and they sink ships . Oceanographers call these " extreme waves " or " rogues . " Old - time Maine fishermen call them " queer ones . " They have roared down the stacks of navy destroyers , torn the bows off container ships , and broken cargo vessels in two . When the rogue hit the Andrea Gail , sometime between midnight and dawn on October 29 , Tyne would probably have been alone in the wheelhouse and already exhausted after 24 hours at the helm . Captains , unwilling to relinquish the wheel to inexperienced crew , have been known to drive for two or even three days straight . The crew would have been below deck , either in the kitchen or in their staterooms . Once in a while one of the men would have come up to keep Tyne company . In the privacy of the wheelhouse he might have admitted his fears : This is bad , this is the worst I 've ever seen . There 's no way we could inflate a life raft in these conditions . If a hatch breaks open , if anything lets go … Was this speculation - that Tyne might 've been so open about his concerns - based on interviews with his family and friends ? Or is that typical of captains in his position ? That would have come from other fishermen and Bob Brown . All of these guys would have been in situations like this , except they survived them . It reflects a common reaction to that situation , rather than something particular of Tyne . Tyne must have looked back and seen an exceptionally big wave rising up behind him . It would have been at least 70 feet high , maybe 100 feet . The stern of the boat would have risen up sickeningly and hurled the men from their bunks . The Andrea Gail would have flipped end - over - end and landed hull - up , exploding the wheelhouse windows . Tyne , upside - down in his steel cage , would have drowned without a word . The five men below deck would have landed on the ceiling . The ones who remained conscious would have known that it was impossible to escape through an open hatch and swim out from under the boat . And even if they could - what then ? How would they have found their survival suits , the life raft ? This is an exceptional paragraph . There 's a different horror in each sentence . How were you able to ( speculatively ) reconstruct this ? Yeah , Albert Johnston . But anyone who has been out fishing for years has seen a rogue wave . It can be a 15 - foot wave on a flat , calm sea , or it can be a 50 - foot wave when the seas are at 20 feet . The Andrea Gail would have rolled drunkenly and started to fill . Water would have sprayed through bursting gaskets and risen in a column from the wheelhouse stairway . It would have reached the men in their staterooms and it would have been cold enough to take their breath away . At least the end would have come fast . IT WASN ' T UNTIL TUESDAY AFTERNOON THAT THE BOATS ON THE Grand Banks were able to check in with one another . The Eishan Marti , which was closest to Billy Tyne 's last known location , reported that she was completely rolled by one huge wave ; her wheelhouse windows were blown out , and she was left without rudder or electronics . The Lori Dawn Eight had taken so much water down her vents that she lost an engine and headed in . The Mary T had fared well but had already taken $ 165 , 000 worth of fish in nine days , so she headed in , too . The Hannah Boden , the Allison , the Mr . Simon , and the Miss Millie were way to the east and " had beautiful weather , " in Albert Johnston 's words . That left the Andrea Gail . By Wednesday , October 30 , the storm had retrograded so far to the west that conditions at sea were almost tolerable . At that point the worst of it was just hitting Gloucester . The Eastern Point neighborhood , where the town 's well - to - do live , had been cut in half . This is the second time , I think , that you describe a bisection ; earlier you mention that rogues have " torn the bows off container ships , and broken cargo vessels in two . " Waves were rolling right through the woods and into some of the nicest living rooms in the state . On the Back Shore , 30 - foot waves were tearing the facades off houses and claiming whole sections of Ocean Drive . The wind , whipping through the power lines , was hitting pitches that no one had ever heard before . Just up the coast in Kennebunkport , some Democrats were cheered to see boulders in the family room of President George Bush 's summer mansion . This is such a singular , startling section . For the first time , you pull back , away from fishing . What was the narrative purpose ? You want to play with distance when you 're creating a narrative . If you get to a point of tragedy , drama and tension , and then you cut it off and go somewhere else , that 's how you get them to keep reading . All writing is manipulative because people have a lot of other things they could be doing . Also , this was a big storm . I wanted to communicate that it affected 500 miles of coastline . To do that , you have to pull back and show the sweep of things . " The only light I can shed on the severity of the storm is that until then , we had never - ever had a lobster trap move offshore , " said Bob Brown . " Some were moved 13 miles to the west . It was the worst storm I have ever heard of , or experienced . " Why did you wait until deep into the story to bring in Brown 's voice ? It 's quite unexpected ! By now the storm had engulfed nearly the entire eastern seaboard . Even in protected Boston Harbor , a data buoy measured wave heights of 30 feet . A Delta Airlines pilot at Boston 's Logan Airport was surprised to see spray topping 200 - foot construction cranes on Deer Island . Sitting on the runway waiting for clearance , his air speed indicator read 80 miles per hour . Off Cape Cod , a sloop named the Satori lost its life raft , radios , and engine . The three people in its crew had resigned themselves to writing good - bye notes when they were finally rescued 200 miles south of Nantucket by a Coast Guard swimmer who jumped , untethered , from a helicopter into the roiling waves . An Air National Guard helicopter ran out of fuel off Long Island , and its crew had to jump one at a time through the darkness into the sea . One man was killed and the other four were rescued after drifting throughout the night . All along the coast , waves and storm surge combined to act as " dams " that prevented rivers from flowing into the sea . The Hudson backed up 100 miles to Albany and caused flooding , so did the Potomac . Brown tried in vain all day Wednesday to radio Tyne . That evening he finally got through to Linda Greenlaw , who said she 'd last heard Billy Tyne talking to other boats on the radio Monday night . " Those men sounded scared , and we were scared for them , " she said later . Later that night Brown finally alerted the U . S . Coast Guard . Why " finally " ? Did you believe Brown dragged his feet ? " Finally " would have come from other fisherman - it wouldn 't have been my opinion . I don 't feel qualified to make a judgment like that , because I 'm not a fisherman . But Bob Brown didn 't call the Coast Guard immediately . When he called them , he finally called them . But he never got a distress call , and you can 't keep calling the Coast Guard because you 're worried . They 're busy . You need something concrete . If the guys just sound scared the Coast Guard doesn 't want to hear it . The dispatcher refused to initiate a search because the boat wasn 't overdue yet . Brown then got the Canadian Coast Guard on the line . " I 'm afraid my boat 's in trouble , and I fear the worst , " he told the dispatcher in Halifax . At dawn Canadian reconnaissance planes , which were already in the area , began sweeping for the Andrea Gail . The search had covered more than 65 , 000 square miles at that point . In heavy seas it 's hard for a pilot to be sure he is seeing everything - one Coast Guard pilot reported spotting a 500 - foot ship that he had completely missed on a previous flight - so no one was leaping to any conclusions . Two days and 35 , 000 square miles later , though , it was hard not to assume the worst : Now the Andrea Gail 's emergency position - indicating radio beacon had been found . It , too , had washed up on the beaches of Sable Island . Your narrative is basically one of attrition . At the beginning we have a full ship and lively men . Now all that 's left is debris . An EPIRB is a device about the size of a bowling pin that automatically emits a radio signal if it floats free of its shipboard holster . The signal travels via satellite to onshore listening posts , where Coast Guard operators decode the name of the boat and her location to within two miles . EPIRBs have been required equipment for fishing vessels on the high seas since 1990 . The only catch is that the device must be turned on , something captains do automatically when they leave port . ( " It 's not the sort of thing you forget , " says one captain . ) Though Bob Brown insists that the Andrea Gail 's EPIRB had been turned on when it left port , it was found on Sable Island disarmed . The Coast Guard called off the search on November 8 , 11 days after the Andrea Gail had presumably gone down . Search planes had covered 116 , 000 square miles of ocean . " After taking into account the water temperature and other factors , we felt the probability of survival was minimal , " Coast Guard Lieutenant Brian Krenzien told reporters at the time . The water temperature was 46 degrees . When a man falls overboard on the Grand Banks that late in the year , there usually isn 't even time to turn the boat around . Do you remember the source of this fact ? It 's interesting to use as a metric the likelihood one could survive a topple overboard . " I FINALLY GAVE UP HOPE AFTER THE COAST Guard called the search off , " says Ethel Shatford , Bobby Shatford 's mother , at the Crow 's Nest . " It was very hard , though . You always read stories about people being found floating around in boats . The memorial was on November 16 . There were more than a thousand people . This bar and the bar next door were closed , and we had enough food for everyone for three days . Recently we had a service for a New Bedford boat that went down last winter . None of the crew was from here , but they were fishermen . " Was Ms . Shatford , as well as the rest of the story 's principals , eager to talk to you ? Well , they weren 't eager . Some couldn 't be convinced , so they didn 't wind up in the article or book . Ethel was really nice . She was cautious , at first , but I spent a lot of time with her . She tended bar ; she was a perfect person to stalk . I 'd just go have a beer and talk to her . We kind of got to know each other . I got the feeling that people were sniffing around me to see if I was okay . Ethel Shatford is a strong , gray - faced Gloucester native in her late fifties . Three of her own sons have fished , and over the years she has served as den mother to scores of young fishermen on the Gloucester waterfront . Four of the six men who died on the Andrea Gail spent their last night on shore in the rooms of the Crow 's Nest . Most of the story is in the past tense . Here you shift into present tense . Why ? Because at this point , Ethel still existed . She 's died since , but my description of her is present tense because she was present tense . I wanted to give the sense that I was in the bar , talking to her . You know , I 've told you the story of the Andrea Gail - now fast - forward a couple of years . I like showing the mechanisms of journalism , so you can see the pulleys and gears of how a story gets constructed . It feels trustworthy . The reader gets a sense of where the story came from . But also , this is to convey that these are real people . They 're not figures in a story that happened two years ago . These are real people , and you can go to this bar , sit down on a bar stool , and there 's Ethel Shatford . " My youngest graduated high school last June and went fishing right off the b - a - t , " she says . " That was what he always wanted to do , fish with his brothers . Bobby 's older brother , Rick , used to fish the Andrea Gail years ago . " She draws a draft beer for a customer and continues . " The Andrea Gail crew left from this bar . They were all standing over there by the pool table saying good - bye . About the only thing different that time was that Billy Tyne let them take our color TV on the boat . He said , ' Ethel , they can take the TV , but if they watch it instead of doing their work , the TV 's going overboard . ' I said , That 's fine , Billy , that 's fine . " That was the last time Shatford ever saw her son . Recently a young guy drifted into town who looked so much like Bobby that people were stopping and staring on the street . He walked into the Crow 's Nest , and another bartender felt it necessary to explain to him why everyone was looking at him . " He went over to the picture of Bobby and says , ' If I sent that picture to my mother , she 'd think it was me . ' Linda Greenlaw still comes into the bar from time to time , between trips , swearing that some day she 's going to " meet the right guy and retire to a small island in Maine . " Bob Brown settled out of court with several of the dead crewmembers ' families after two years of legal wrangles . Adam Randall , the man who had stepped off the Andrea Gail at the last minute , went on to crew with Albert Johnston on the Mary T . When he found out that the Andrea Gail had sunk in the storm , all he could say was , " I was supposed to have been on that boat . That was supposed to have been me . " During the spring of 1993 the Mary T was hauled out for repairs , and Randall picked up work on a tuna longliner , the Terri Lei , out of Georgetown , South Carolina . On the evening of April 6 , 1993 , the crew of the Terri Lei set lines . In the early morning , there were reports of gusty winds and extremely choppy seas in the area . At 8 : 45 A . M . the Coast Guard in Charleston , South Carolina , picked up an EPIRB signal and sent out two aircraft and a cutter to investigate . By then the weather was fair and the seas were moderate . One hundred and thirty - five miles off the coast , they found the EPIRB , some fishing gear , and a self - inflating life raft . The raft had the name Terri Lei stenciled on it . There was no one on board . To me , the decision to bookend the story with Randall - the man who got away , but then didn 't - is audacious . Why 'd you do it ? To me , it was just really chilling , that he had escaped fate once , but maybe you can never really escape fate . It just gave me a little shiver . Also , I felt like it was a reminder to people how dangerous this job is , and that you 're never safe . It seemed like an ending that would reverberate . Elon Green is a contributor to Longform . org and The Awl , and has written Annotation Tuesday ! installments with Amy Wallace and Leslie Jamison . For the full Annotation Tuesday ! archive , go here . Follow Green at @ elongreen .

homesteading · preparedness · self - reliance Post Apocalypse Hard Truths April 24 , 2017April 24 , 2017 Handy GrannyLeave a comment You have beans , Band Aids and bullets stored for when the SHTF . You have put some things back for those who didn 't prepare or maybe for anonymous donations to your church congregation . You have a little silver and a box of neat stuff designated for barter . You even remembered to buy extra seed for next years garden and you even thought to put books and games into storage for quiet times . Congratulations , you are a step ahead of 85 % of the rest of the country . Today was a dreary , grey , Sunday morning for April . The temperature was 26 degrees and as I poured my first bitter brew of the day , I witnessed large white snow flakes flying past the window carried on a 20 mile an hour icy wind . I snatched up my warm cup of coffee and headed over to the woodstove , picked up the fire poker and stabbed the fire making sparks float up the chimney . It needed another chunk of tree to keep it burning and warming the house . I put on two medium sized logs . The house was quiet , so I curled up in the easy chair closet to the woodstove with my coffee and allowed my mind to bring me memories of my first year out here in the backwoods . 25 years living out here , how far I have come and I 'm amazed at all that I have learned ! If God had chosen a place on earth to live , I serious believe he would have loved it here . His handy work is ever present with thick pine and hardwood forests and abundant animal population of all descriptions , rushing rivers and gushing waterfalls in all the right places . The first time you stand on the edge of a bluff and witness a summer sunset over lake Superior with an intoxicating warm pine scented breeze caressing your check , you will have been permanently embedded on your primal physic consciousness blessings of our ancient ancestors . I fell in love with this very hypnotic reality and have been addicted even sense . On the flip side there is ' Mother Nature ' who is less agreeable . She expects you to know your environment and will spank you hard if you don 't take your situation seriously . People have walked off the edge of a cliff by misjudging the beauty of this place and their own ability . A few years ago two sisters left their southern state homes and took a drive to the U . P . to see the sights in April . They drove out into the woods with nothing more than the coats on their backs and a bag of junk food . Confident in their driving skills , the pair drove to the northern most part of the forest on a wilderness back road ending up close to lake Superior in about 3 inches of snow . They stopped to take in the sights and promptly became stuck . Alone and no cell phone service they ended up out there for twenty - one days . The first night stranded in Michigan 's wilderness , it snowed hard and the car was pretty much buried . Long story shortened , they lived and managed to make it out but they were almost done for when they were finally discovered . They had no idea what to expect driving to a different climate , even in what they thought was spring . By the grace of God , their wind shield had reflected a momentary spot of sunshine and a rescue helicopter spotted something shiny . Most people aren 't so lucky . Authorities found a frozen man near a major river just yesterday . He too had wandered off to see the sights . My first winter alone in my little tar paper cabin out here in the big woods , the jet stream took a right turn to the south . ( I was a young 43 years old and fairly fit at the time . Tough as nails I thought . ) Artic air dove down from Canada , blew across lake Superior and landed over Michigan 's U . P . at minus 50 degrees . Hell , that is mid winter Alaska temperatures ! I went to bed at about 10 : 00 last night , put a few logs in the woodstove as usual but I didn 't wake up during the night to feed the wood burning beast . That fateful morning I woke up to 26 degrees in my one room cabin . It was so cold , the dogs ' water was frozen , I surmised that the woodstove must have gone out soon after I had gone to bed . I put on a jacket and boots and went out to the outhouse . On my way back I stopped at the side porch to grab an arm load of wood . WHAT ? ? ! ! ! There was only 4 pieces of wood left . I had run out of heating wood , with no back up heating as I had no electricity and no indoor plumbing . Back inside the house I put on some warmer clothes , grabbed the hand saw and headed for the woods to find some wood to get me through the rest of the day and night . I began trudging through three feet of snow feeling around in the snow for anything burnable . By now my heart is racing from the stress of the deep snow and cold . I couldn 't find enough wood to do much good , I was about to go into a full blown panic . I gave up and headed back to the house . I wanted to cry but I knew better at minus 50 degrees air temperature . I struggled to get back to the house with a meager arm load of twigs , hardly enough to get me through the day . I fired up the camp stove to heat some water for another cup of warm coffee and to help clear the cold so I could contemplate my next move . How long could I stay out here in the wilderness without heat ? Will they find my cold , dead body in the spring ? Mother nature spanked me good that day ! I managed to get through that crisis thanks to a dear neighbor ( we call people neighbors out here even when they are miles away instead of blocks away ) who was able to get his snow machine up and running . He came to check on me and helped me to secure a load of split wood to get me by until I could find someone to sell me their extras . You can 't thank good neighbors enough . In all reality , for those who feel that bugging out to the woods when the SHTF , I 'd like to warn you ; life in the woods , without electricity and skills will not be easy and could kill you . Many won 't have the stomach for it , I don 't care how much you protest that you could do it . It is not the time to learn as you go . Most TV shows like those reality survival programs are scripted or pretested . Case - in - point - The history channel put on a series where they took a group of young healthy men and put them alone in the wilderness in the Pacific Northwest . Did you see it ? They contacted me to audition , but given my age they declined may application . I figured , this little old lady would show up those little boys so they didn 't want to ruin their ratings . You know drama and pain sells . There were several episodes where I couldn 't believe these guys had to tap out . One kid decided to go home and give up the $ 50 , 000 prize money because he lost his fire starter and another young guy became sick and went home after drinking stream water , without filtering or boiling it first . But I digress . . . There has been an influx of people to this area lately , people looking to get out of the city and maybe just a more peaceful existence . Whatever their reason , they are bringing with them huge outdoor mercury lights and paved roads and driveways . In other words , they are bringing modern stuff with them and not learning how to survive as our ancestors did . When the SHTF they will be just as dead as everyone else because they didn 't learn their lessons . Moral of this story ? You have prepared with food , water and other stuff and feel you can survive what a failed society will hand you . But I 'm here to tell you , you are not ! You need the wherewithal and skills to make it through to the other side . And just because you got stuff , it still may not be enough and will eventually run out , remember this ; whatever you got , someone else wants and will take it ! You need to fill your head with know - how , and teach your children . Hell , learn together and start them young , you will have past them survival skills as their legacy from you . Much more important than anything you could ever , ever give them . Start now ! Go out into the woods and do it ! Or take a survival class . There are classes everywhere for urban and wilderness survival . I took a class set up by 4 - H leaders . It was very intense to say the least . One of the things they did to us was blindfold each student , spin you around and lead you out into the forest . One at a time they took us out into the wilderness and left us their to stay the night and find our own way back the next morning . Hey , I love it . I would have liked to stay another night or two but , you know , duty calls . forest dweller · homesteading · preparedness · self - reliance Hide - behinds and the Long Winters Night October 26 , 2016October 26 , 2016 Handy Granny3 Comments Creatures of the long silent night . . . Many years ago , the young and adventurous me , discovered a 40 acre parcel of heavily forested property which none of the locals even knew was for sale , smack dab in the middle of a state forest . Deep in the middle of this secluded 40 acre parcel in the wild 's of Michigan 's Upper Peninsula stood a 20 ' X20 ′ tar papered shanty I was about to call home . It took every penny I had to buy the property that had unknowingly been up for sale for more than 15 years . I was beside myself with excitement ! I was 43 . The cabin / now shanty was built as a hunting camp in 1963 using real saw milled 2X4 's . Sturdy , well built , no electricity or water as there were no power lines out there in the early days . It was dirty , run down and ghost like from all the years of no human intervention . However , a local population of mice and raccoons had made a claim to it over the years , moving in their own families . And really large , gray wart covered wolf spiders inhabited every crack and corner of the tiny , lovable little cabin nestled in amongst the over growth of trees and flora . These guys were the biggest , most horrifying eight legged creatures I had ever witnessed ! I was anxious to get started and arrived early on the day after I had taken procession of my new home . There were no keys handed to me at the time of signing at the bank . Even the realtor was unaware of the shack on the property . Gus , my yellow lab took off to explore his new environment and was no help what so ever helping to unload the boxes of cleaning supplies , hammer , nails , crowbar and a shovel I figured it would take to make this place near as livable as possible . It took me most of that summer to fix up what was to be the most memorable 20 year adventure of my life . By now it is late fall . My first night alone out here in the woods , in my now cleaned one room shanty found me laying in my bed with my blanket pulled up to my chin with one hand and a flashlight gripped tightly in the other . Listening to the night time parade of mice playing tag in the ceiling and walls , my thoughts turned to ; " What the hell am I doing out here 30 miles from town , in the middle of this 1000 's of acres of woods ? All alone ! Was I nuts ? " It sounded like something was actually chewing on my cabin . Sometime during the night I did doze off but only briefly . A thunderstorm demanded that I not get too comfortable . Loud claps and bright lightening fueled my anxiety of this precarious first night in the woods . Then suddenly as a lightening bolt lit up the room , there on the ceiling was a monstrous , wart covered wolf spider the size of my hand , hurriedly making his way in my direction . . . To make a long story short and the purpose of this post , when the power is out it is quiet ! I will be the first to tell you that the constant buzz of human activity , electronic gadgets , cell phones and all sorts of technology along with traffic noise and streetlights are so natural to the every day guy and gal that we just don 't notice the noise , that is , until it is gone . When the electrical plug has been pulled and the power goes out the first sense is that of ahhhhhhh . It actually feels good . ( Personally , I miss my days and nights living unattached to the power grid and even today , going into town seems so loud . ) It doesn 't take long , however , before you begin to feel withdrawal symptoms , much like that of a cigarette withdrawal . Then night comes , the stillness of the true lightless night becomes the monster in the closet of our childhood . My first long winter night played games with the stillness of my snow covered wilderness . I suddenly became acutely aware that the moon light uses shadows as an accomplice ; it tricks the imagination into seeing beasts stalking the darkness . A wise older man I knew called them hide - behinds . Elusive mystical creatures without true form , created purely from ones own imagination , hiding behind leafless hardwoods , he liked to say . I remembered his words one night as I sat reading quietly by oil lamp , the muted flickering of the yellow flame demanded entrance into the playful party of dancing shadows . At that moment , as I look up from my reading , the icy stillness crept up and stole away with my struggling confidence . A mythical hide - behind ran an icy finger up my spine . Twenty years have now come and gone since my first night time encounter with the night time hide - behinds deep in my forest . My tiny cabin has given way to a fit a proper homestead and a husband . The moral of this story you may have guessed is that when the lights go out , and they will , it is the quiet people will surrender to . More often that not , even before the lack of food sets in . Humans have adapted to noise , to the hustle of activity and having every desirable electronic device at their finger tips . You can and should prepare for as many physical aspects of the coming take down of the U . S . as possible . But will you be able to survive the quiet ? It is truly a possibility that needs to be understood . History has recorded that silence created a debilitating madness in the unprepared pioneer women during the 1800 's westward movement . Women whose husband had settled them in the prairies of the western U . S . and were left alone for a long periods time often went mad due to the silence . Their only companion was the never ending wind , the mournful song of the elusive wolf and the fear of an Indian raid . Returning husbands sometimes found their wives , if the were lucky , wandering the open prairie looking for another human neighbor . I write the above disclaimer because a few years ago Grumpy Grandpa and I felt that we would like to do some traveling . In order to leave our backwoods homestead for any length of time we would be forced to sell our animals . It was quite the effort , to be sure . We searched and searched , in the end we just couldn 't find any willing , able bodied , humans that would live out here and care for them in our absence , so we sold them all . Even to pay someone a good wage , the amount of work around here was more energy than interviewees were willing to give . Also , we are a bit isolated . Between the amount of work and the isolation , well , there were just no takers . It was February when we made the decision we would like to do some traveling . That meant we needed to start selling our critters now if we wanted to be ready by spring to hit the road . Chickens were first to be posted on Craig 's list , 20 beautiful , one year old laying hens with pictures went up online . We really didn 't think anyone would be interested at this time of year . Our area was elbow deep in snow . Boy , were we wrong ! The e - mails and phone calls came in like a troubled 747 . The phone and computer were smokin ' , but not to buy the hens . People were pleading with us to make sure our chickens had a good home and that no harm would come to them . Please , please make sure the new owner isn 't going to eat them , one lady begged . Another lady wanted me to contact her after I had sold the girls to reassure her that they went to a good home . E - mail after e - mail and one phone call after another for days . I 'm absolutely not making this stuff up , it really happened . Perfect strangers demanding that I do the right thing ! It was crazy . So , if you are someone who thinks your food mysteriously appears at the grocery store wrapped in nice packages , then read no further . We kill animals out here in the backwoods and eat them ! Chickens , ducks , deer , rabbits , fish , turkeys , partridge , etc . I do , however , draw the line at road kill . I 'm not Granny Clampet . And vegetarian on the label of a carton of eggs cracks me up , what a gimmick ! Chickens love road kill and fish and worms and bugs . Hell , they even eat each other . Someone hit a snowshoe hare out on the road , tossed it into the chicken pen and boom , half an hour later all that is left are some fur and bones . But I digress . This spring we went nuts in the head and purchased 100 baby chicks and 8 ducklings . For those of you unfamiliar with the process ; at the feed store you can order what is called a straight run , which is a mixture of hens and roosters . You don 't know what you got until they start to mature . This year we ended up with about 50 / 50 , 50 hens and 50 roosters . ( Usually , it is about 80 / 20 , 80 % roosters , 20 % hens per order . ) This year 50 + of our chickens will go into the freezer . ( No hate mail , please . ) It 's a ton of work putting up that many critters , so Grumpy Grandpa made the decision to purchase some mechanical help . When we were younger , living off the land and doing everything by hand was fun and challenged our creativeness , but we had strong , healthy backs back then . At the tender age of 63 , I can still toss a 50 pound bag of chicken scratch over my shoulder and carry it around but oh do I pay for it the next day . We did forego some other needed items to be able to purchase this back saving appliance . We are so glad we did . Share this : TweetEmailWhatsAppPrintShare on TumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Share this : TweetEmailWhatsAppPrintShare on TumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . self - reliance Five Years From Now . . . October 5 , 2016 Handy GrannyLeave a comment An article from 2015 . How close are we now ? Today the waking hours of waning day light here in Michigans Upper Peninsula was depressingly dark and gloomy . Old man winter has begun his ritual ceremonial dance for the seasons dominance with heavy gray clouds , cold brisk winds and a pissy drizzle from above . His signature warning is a prelude to a 6 months serving of cold , wet , white stuff . It was a day where you just wanted to eat , sleep and hibernate in front of a fire in the woodstove with a hot cup of tea . I say , wanted to . I was not that lucky , I had to go out into the world and briefly leave my woodland sanctuary and little cabin . As I reached town , I merged with all the other zombie drivers who couldn 't decide which lane they wanted to drive in . The brain seems to disengage in chaotic traffic . 90 % of the zombie drivers had a small , black , rectangle shaped piece of plastic held … View original post 968 more wordsShare this : TweetEmailWhatsAppPrintShare on TumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Share this : TweetEmailWhatsAppPrintShare on TumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Organizing the " after an EMP " Kitchen Years ago , long before moving out to the backwoods of Upper Michigan , we lived in north central Indiana . In that part of the state you will find several groups of Amish communities . About a century and a half ago the Amish found the soil in this area to be rich and thick , perfect for the Amish self - reliant way of life . They began to built houses and barns and settled in . Keeping to tradition of maintaining small , workable communities the original settlement of Amish grew too large , consequently dividing into two self - sustaining sections each run basically by it 's own bishop . When those groups got too large they again divided , keeping each unit within a specific number of members close to the newly chosen bishop . Each break away process of expansion takes much effort and about a generation to accomplish . Today there are quite a few Amish communities or groups peacefully living and farming in the northern counties of Indiana . I lived and worked many years amongst these God fearing people . Listen up ! Hollywood producers would have you believe the Amish are some weird cult group who mistreat their children and farm animals . That is not true , pure and simple . However , they do take their bible , and simple way of life very seriously . Spare the rod spoil the child , sort of thing . Boys have been known to get a trip to the woodshed by the father of the household for serious transgressions . Teen boys are teen boys in about every culture , it seems . In the community we were familiar with the girl children rarely felt a fast hand to the butt . Mother usually handled their childhood misdeeds . Girl children were generally given extra kitchen duty or other chores such as hand grinding wheat berries for bread , even as young as 3 years old . Hand cranking a grinding mill of wheat for bread is a chore that takes many tedious hours . A chore in which everyone meticulously tries to avoid . Strong family ties and strict adherence to the rules that govern their collective , keep most everyone walking the straight and narrow . Don 't believe that crap they feed you on TV , those are most likely actors . The Amish , as a rule , resent their picture taken because they believe your soul or your life force is captured in that photograph , as I was told by an Amish elder . When my youngest child was 5 , I dropped her off daily to an Amish lady for daycare while I was at work . Wednesday is generally the day for Weddings , so my Amish sitter asked if she could dress my 5 year old daughter in Amish clothes and take her to the wedding . Of course I gave my permission and to celebrate my daughters costume , Katy ran next door and borrowed a camera from her English neighbor to take my daughters picture . Back then we still used polaroid cameras so Katy had the photos ready for me upon my arrival . My baby girl was adorable all dressed up in plain Amish finest . No other people were in the photo , just the oil stove Katy used to heat her house in the back ground . Besides being massively religious and self - reliant the Amish know how much effort it takes to make a buck . They also know how to make that buck squeal . Unmarried older children ( 16 to 21 ) living in the household and working outside of the farm turn over a portion of their paycheck every payday to the head of household , their father . The theory is , as I was told , if children handle their own money at a young age they tend to get into trouble . Never a wiser word spoken , in my opinion . Each and every household must contribute to the church an unspecified amount ( the details were off limits to this English outsider ) of their yearly income . The Bishop and Elder council hold this money in trust . When a barn burns down , someone is injured or whatever the crisis or need , the church / community pays for it . It is the Amish equivalent of collective insurance against mishaps . Stuff happens and they are primed and prepared to pitch in and get ' er done . The years we lived in Amish country were a wonderful , educational experience . My Amish lady friends weren 't shy about sharing their kitchen secrets , either . Their generous allotment of old world wisdom was the impetus for my survival during the early years out here in the backwoods . There is nothing so welcomingly tasty as their traditional Dutch / German cuisine . Everything about it says family . Add to the off - grid lessons I learned from my Amish friends , my own grandmothers loving command of everything domestic . My dear grandmother was born a Mennonite , a break away branch of Amish . Mennonites retain the simple life style and teachings of the Amish , but they do allow some of the more modern things such as driving a car and electricity in the home . Grams was born January of 1900 and didn 't own her own pair of shoes until she met my grandfather in 1918 . Grams shared her hand - me - downs from an older half - sister and cousins . Her fathers first wife died at an early age , as I seem to recall . My grandmother left the Mennonite community to marry my grandfather in 1919 . My dear grandmother lived during a era of many changes in the 96 years on this planet . Over the course of her lifetime she developed a command of everything domestic and taught me so much about life and living . You can see why I feel blessed and very happy to share with you the secrets of all these wonderful people . Here we go . . . If you have established your household previous to the coming crisis , hopefully you will be able to hunker down and safely stay in your home when it hits . The kitchen will be the primary gathering place in most households , when there is no electricity it will be the hub that makes the wheel go round . Since the kitchen is the activities headquarters . With the probability of extra people in the household , we will need to assign sections or quadrants to allow the flow of these activities to move with ease . On a piece of paper draw out your kitchen , labeling the stove , sink , refrigerator etc . Now divide your kitchen into four equal parts , horizontal through the center of the kitchen and a vertical line through the center of the horizontal line . Assign each quarter a title such as , cooking , cleaning section . That section would have the stove and sink in it , for example . Backdoor and table section , storage section , refrigerator and prep section . ( This is my kitchen lay out , yours may be of your own design . Use this only as an example . ) I noticed how people took off their coat and boots just inside the entrance and generally headed for the kitchen table . I made sure that route stays open , placed coat hooks and boot trays in this area out of the way of traffic . ( A rifle / shot gun rack on the wall under the coats during the day ? It could be out of eyesight from the door but easily accessible to keep predators at away . Just a thought . ) Keep this area free from debris and sleeping dogs at all times . The kitchen table should have the usual salt and pepper shaker and a light source such as an l . e . d light , solar lamp , an oil lamp or candles . For us older folks , the kitchen table is where you will find our daily supplements or prescriptions and reading glasses . A jar of raw honey . ( Manuka is the best ) Honey was always on the table in the Amish home and at my grandmothers dinner table . The daily use of honey is the reason , in part , that my grandparents lived mostly illness free into very old age . Honey is an antibiotic and has many beneficial properties . https : / / www . sciencedaily . com / releases / 2010 / 06 / 100630111037 . htm This will be a flat surface such as a counter or kitchen island strictly for preparing food meat and fish products . ( May be a food prep station set up outdoors , also . ) You would be wise to keep this area off limits to other activities for fear of contamination . It will be ten times harder when there is no electricity and running water to keep this area free from insects , rodents , germs and bacteria . My grandmother used an oil cloth over her work area when not in use . Plastic or some other barrier would keep this area free from cross contamination . Contrary to that stupid " vegetarian " label on the carton of eggs at the grocery store , chickens are meat eaters . Chickens will eat chopped meat scraps , fish heads and stuff that would be normally thrown away . They will even eat captured and dispatched mice , other rodents , road kill and each other if one of their coop mates should become ill or lame . Oh , how they love that stuff and the extra protein does them good . The last thing you want is to have meat scraps sitting outside in a trash can for every neighborhood dog , raccoon , or worse , finding it . Hey , there 's even the benefit of barter if you don 't have chickens when your neighbor does . Meat scraps and egg shells would make a very good trade for a few eggs . A bowl or pan of clean bleach water to rinse hands and utensils in this area at all times during food prep will help keep down insects and bacteria . If you have rigged up your coffee pot to some sort of power device , it would fit well off to the side in this area . Once fresh coffee has been brewed put it into a thermos to keep it warm and save your battery . The coffee will keep warm for many hours in the thermos . As an aside ; If you come across this coffee maker at Good Will or some other thrift shop grab it up . I think the Lehman 's catalog ( http : / / www . lehmans . com ) still offers them too . It makes wonderful coffee when the power is out or during a camping trip and it is surprisingly simple to use . If your refrigerator is in this area it will make an excellent storage place for flour , rice and other things mice and bugs like to burrow into . Without electricity insects and rodents will be very hard to control . After the power has been out for awhile and you have used up everything that was in the refrigerator , clean it well and use it for storage . Might as well get some use out of it . In the winter months , after the lake has frozen , bring in some large chunks of ice chopped from the lake or put out bottles of water to freeze over night . Put the ice chunks or frozen water bottles in a pan or bowl and place into the cleaned freezer section of the refrigerator . Now you have a cold spot for food items needing cold place to hang out . The melting ice will fill the freezer with lots of cold air for couple of days . Since we will be unable to run to the store for paper towels a stash of clean rags stored in this area will be very beneficial . Cut up old towels , T - shirts and baby diapers , they make excellent cleaning rags . Reduce , recycle , reuse . Other handy items might be salt and seasonings for making jerky , a drying rack and cheese cloth for covering your drying meat . Do you have an outdoor meat and fish smoker ? An old or discarded refrigerator makes an excellent smoker . ( Check now with youtube for instructions . ) For a whole lot more information and jerky recipes check out " How to Survive and Thrive When the Power is Out " on this website . Large stoneware crock for fermenting vegetables , manual food mill , and lots of canning jars . Don 't forget hot water bottles for winter warmth and sick room use . You have an electric stove you say ? There are a few things you can do if you planned ahead . There are tons of great camp stoves on the market today , take your pick , however , you do know that your fuel will run out sooner or later , right ? Now what ? An old 1970 's fondue pot with a tea light candle will almost boil water . They will warm liquids such as soup but there is not enough heat to cook your steak . For that you could bust up the kitchen chairs and set them on fire in the back yard , if you have a back yard . After that , I hope you have a plan B . Now those of us with a gas kitchen stove will fare better a little longer at least . You will need a light source here too . Those cheap solar lights you buy at Wal - mart are fantastic in this area when fully charged . Sometimes it 's hard to get a full charge in the winter up here in the U . P . , though . Then the l . e . d . light will come in handy as next in line . I try and stay away from flammable lighting around the stove for obvious reasons . Several years ago I took on a job of in - home - healthcare of elderly people . I love old people ! They are so full of information if you take the time to listen . During this time I had a 98 year old woman as my charge . What a delight she was ! Melvina told me a story of her birth as told to her by her mother . Melvina was a preemie , born at about 41 / 2 pounds , at home . Back in the year she was born there were no such things as infant incubators . The mid - wife that attended the birth took Melvina after a couples hours of snuggling with the new Mom and wrapped her tightly in a blanket and put her in a basket . Next the mid - wife opened the wood cook stove oven door and placed the basket and baby on the oven door . Melvinas ' mother needed rest and tiny infant needed warmth . They kept the fire going in the wood cook stove until Melvina put on some weight and got a little stronger . That was one tough lady , that Melvina ! Here you should find - clean , filtered water , dish soap if available , laundry soap if available , baby soap and shampoo if available , dish towels , baby towels , cleaning rags , soap pads and scrapers , dish drying rack , clothes drying rack or clothes line rope and clothes pins , scrub board , large tub or pan for heating water , scrub pan for other household cleaning projects and sick room . You didn 't think living without power was going to be easy did you ? Lots of lifting in this area . In the winter , clothes dry better inside . If hung outside in subzero air temperatures , your jeans will break and you will immediately have made shorts . These will be cupboards , closets or pantries that are designated strictly as storage . Food grade buckets , totes and other plastic or metal containers will be most helpful for storing and organizing your food supplies . Rodents and insects will be a problem when the house goes dark . Most often too , if you have many people at your house you may consider some sort of locking system in this area . With the availability or lack thereof , food will need to be protected from midnight 2 , 4 and 8 legged raiders . Case in point - Our daughter , her husband and their two dear children had been living in another state far away from us for several years due to his job . Daughters hubby wished to move back to our area to be near family after he had been laid off . They packed up what they could , traveled back to the U . P . and moved in with us for a time while they secured new jobs and a place of their own . They had been here for about two weeks when their behavior seemed uncomfortably different . Almost like they had a burr under their saddle , so to speak . One evening , a couple of hours after dinner , dearest son - in - law jumped up and ran off to the kitchen . When I found him buzzing around the kitchen , he was making a cake . When the cake was done he mixed up a pan of brownies and put them in the oven , too . Dear son - in - law used the excuse he just felt like baking something . Of course , the cake and brownies disappeared very quickly . The next afternoon he loaded up his family and drove them thirty miles into town for a McDonalds meal . Processed junk food is not on the menu out here in the backwoods because we mostly eat what we grow . So before they returned home here , they stopped at Wal - Mart for soft drinks , Twinkies and other nasty 's such as corndogs , tatter tots and frozen pizza to fill our pantry and freezer with . Seems our home cooked real food created four guest monsters . One caveat to this story ; our three year old granddaughter had seemed much calmer off the junk food . An average day for this child will find her basically bouncing off the walls , but on real food she had the normal temperament of an average three year old again . The stuff she has been eating is loaded with food dyes and additives she is allergic to . After two weeks most of the nasty junk food toxins were pretty much out of her system . However , that reprieve was most temporary . All it took was one trip to McDonalds and our baby girl was back bouncing off the walls , to the point she was unable to settle down for bed . I can 't stress enough that junk food withdrawals are as real as any cigarette , alcohol or drug addition withdrawal . Sometimes taking months to overcome . So , when I say your food stores could become an issue , believe me and take precautions now . A lock or two on the pantry door today could mean a fuller belly tomorrow , which could also save dear son - in - law a swift kick in the pants . Look guys , we can 't know when the next 9 - 11 will strike . For me , this election has my hair standing on end . I haven 't found the " None of the above " box on the voting ballot , yet . Governments kill people to hold on to power , plain and simple . 2016 has me really worried . October surprise maybe ? . If left alone , many communities will survive . Humans are creative and giving by nature . We can overcome adversity within the confines of family or tribal group due to our diverse labor force , and by handing down or passing on our expertise to the next generation . It is how the little people have made to cut up until now . Share this : TweetEmailWhatsAppPrintShare on TumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Share this : TweetEmailWhatsAppPrintShare on TumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . An Enchanted Sunday in da U . P . Share this : TweetEmailWhatsAppPrintShare on TumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Share this : TweetEmailWhatsAppPrintShare on TumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . self - reliance James Wesley Rawles : Madame President Clinton 's Coming War on the Blogosphere , and Your Countermeasures - Outlaw Patriot News August 9 , 2016 Handy GrannyLeave a comment James Wesley Rawles Now that Hillary ( " Hitlery " ) Rodham Clinton ( HRC ) has received the Democratic Party nomination for president , there is a strong likelihood that she will win the election in November and then be enthroned as president in January of 2017 . I predict that she will waste no time in launching an onslaught of punitive new [ … ] Claims for labor and content held herein Fair use for non - profit , educational or personal use is permitted as long as there is a link back to this site . All content presented here is for educational and entertainment purposes and must not be construed as professional advice . Always seek the opinion from the professionals you have to pay . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

So yesterday was an annoying day for our bulls . It was " Sperm Count " day . Here they 've been all winter , minding their own business and just eating , eating , eating . Then today ? They were met with electric shocks . I guess we have to make sure that they are still fertile before we send them out with the females this summer . It 's important to have a lot of calves born in the spring . I forgot to ask if they all passed the test . And no , I didn 't provide a picture for you . But speaking of fertility , our cat also proved to us that she remains extremely fertile . She had a littler of kittens yesterday . She had SIX . No wonder she was so fat . Sadly , one of them died , so we have 5 now . I was a little perturbed that my husband didn 't tell me until after she was done . Stinker . He knows I like to be there for births ! But the funny thing is that HE had to be there , per Moley 's insistence . Apparently , she climbed into the dogs bed , and when Ladd saw blood , he grabbed a box and and old sheet . She jumped right in . Then he left her to do her thing and she came out to the garage and started crying at him . He followed her back to the box to where she jumped back in and started birthing again . He stayed and watched for a while . As soon as he left , there she was , back out of the box crying at him . As soon as he returned , she jumped back in and pushed out another one . What an interesting cat . Hahaha . She wanted someone to be there with her . Of course , my mother - in - law thought this was a great story . I can see why Moley is such a great cat . People will think I 'm crazy , but she really does talk to you . You ask her a question and she meows and purrs right back . She 's always talking in conversation form . It 's pretty amusing . I 'd love to take her to an animal psychic just to see what she 's saying . hahaha . Anyway , there 's an update for you . Our animals are fertile . Well , except for Baxter . He 's fixed . Which is a good thing . Also , I just wanted to share the good news , that the orphan calf has been adopted . Yesterday , a mama lost her baby . So that meant that we could graft this calf . Some of you may have read my POST on it last year . In case you didn 't , grafting is when they skin the hide of the dead calf , and tie it onto the orphan calf . This way , it smells like the mama 's calf . When the cow smells this calf , she accepts it as her own . So she lets it nurse . Then , once it 's nursed for a while , it develops the right scent and we ( we , figuratively speaking ) , can take the hide off . Pretty interesting , eh ? So I 'm very happy this baby has a Mom now . The tricky part is getting him to figure out how to eat . He 's had a bottle shoved in his mouth so he 's a bit confused . But it should work out and he should learn how to nurse . So a couple of days ago , my kids were dying to go with their daddy to do chores . That meant that if they wanted to go , that I also needed to go with so that I could supervise . I 'm glad I did . It got so excited to see us . My husband has been the " mom " for a few days . He wasn 't even scared of us . Aw , even though he won 't admit it , I think this cowboy was being so sweet to this baby . Pretty soon , the laboring mama cow saw us , and what do you know . She didn 't want to birth in front of us , so she sucked that baby cow right back in . I 'm not even kidding . The husband going up to get her . See all the pregnant mamas ? He brought her down and put her in her own delivery room . This is the face of a birthing woman . . . Meanwhile , the dog started eating a placenta . Or at least I thought that 's what it was . Later my husband told me that was part of the prolapsed uterus from the other day . Sick . I tried to hide behind a fence , hoping that I could see this cow birth her calf , since she was so close . But no such luck . Apparently she still knew I was there and wanted her privacy . If only I could have made her understand that I 'm a doula and I could rub her shoulders or something . I 'm sure she would have been fine with that . Someday I want to see a birth . I guess they just happen too fast , when they do happen , and if they haven 't happened , they won 't if the cow knows you 're sticking around . Pretty interesting . Well , the adventures started when my husband had to go and pull a calf . That means that mama cow is having a hard time getting her baby out , so the ranchers have to step in and assist . We don 't usually have to do this too much , but every once in a while , it 's needed . So they finally got the calf pulled , but the mama also pushed out her uterus too . . . . a uterine prolapse . Not a good thing . So my husband and some others started trying to help her and get everything back in it 's place . Unfortunately , the mama died . So sad . So here is a little newborn calf without a mama . It actually made me extremely sad at the thought . Poor baby without anyone to feed it and keep it warm . My husband made it a bed of hay and has been bottle feeding him baby cow formula . But I just feel so lonely for it . Stupid cows . I don 't know why another mama can 't adopt it ! I mean , one cow lost a twin , she should be able to care for and feed this one too . But they are dumb . So the calf is all alone and the only one who pays attention to it , is my husband . Isn 't that awful . Made this pregnant mama want to go out and save the world . Cause then I started thinking about all of our human orphan babies that need moms and I want to take care of them all ! Sad day in the life of calving . He 'll just keep feeding it because it 's likely that another mama will have a calf that won 't make it . Then they 'll graft this calf for that mama cow . Next story . So it 's March . That means that it 's rainy and wet . All this wet in the country causes some major mud problems . A few days ago , my husband was hoping that it would freeze just so the mud would be solid enough that he could get his truck up to an area to be able to feed the cows . Otherwise , he wouldn 't be able to make it . Fortunately for him , it did . Well , I had my first experience with the mud . I drove over to a friend 's house in a my little car , and lucky for me , got extremely stuck in her driveway ! I called my husband , and he was in the next town . Just then , her husband got home . He got some ropes and chains and got them all hooked up from my car to his . Not so bad . Until I found out that I had to drive in reverse out of there . I 'm sorry , but I 'm just not so great at driving in reverse ! So then I got all nervous . We started up and I gave it some gas . Things were going well for 2 seconds until all of us sudden , I sunk down and the rope broke ! I got out and realized that since I was so worried about looking behind me , I didn 't realize that I steered my front tires over a big chunk of curbing they had lining their drive way . My tire sunk right into their newly planted grass . I got out so embarrassed and thought maybe we should wait for my husband to get there and the two of them could do it together . Nah , he thought I could get back over it . Ok . . . so second try . He fixed the chain , I got in , held the steering wheel tight , gave it some gas and vroom ! Over the curbing I went . I must have hit a dry patch of dirt cause I sped backwards and slammed on the brakes just before I hit his truck . Embarrassed again ! That evening , a huge storm came in . It dropped a ton of hail and gave us a big lightning show . . . . then a power outage . And it stayed out for a few hours . Not a big deal right . Yeah , it 's not really that big of a deal . But have you ever been in a power outage in the city as compared to the country ? The city has lots of emergency lights . So there are small glows here and there . The country ? Pitch black . What 's an emergency light ? hahaha . But , we did have our propane lamp that was awesome . And fortunately the kids hadn 't completely depleted the batteries in our flashlights so we were good . The only other amusing thing about a power outage in the country is that means that we also don 't have any water . Yep , it 's true . We have our own well , and our own pump that runs on electricity . So when that 's gone = no running water ! It 's interesting how many times I wanted to wash my hands , but couldn 't ( thank goodness for baby wipes and sanitizer ) , and how hard it is to break the habit of going to the bathroom , and not flushing . Pretty hilarious . I was just glad that I wasn 't at my sister in law 's house . She was commenting about how they have to come up with a bathroom plan since there 's 9 of them . How to go , where to go , how much to go , hahaha . It 's a good emergency preparedness experience , right ? So what do you think ? It was quite a day , back at the ranch . At least that 's the most excitement we 've had for a while . . . . . It 's full - blown calving season . And of course , the cows made a huge debut during the big snowstorm last week . I just have to say that I was slightly ammused . Apparently , the local maternity ward was bursting at the seams . Women were laboring in the halls of hospital because they didn 't have rooms . As for us ? We had five calves that night . There 's always something about a huge storm right ? And it 's convenience ? So the husband was out in this big storm too . Poor guy . He was making sure that the calves were drying off and getting enough straw to keep warm with their mama 's . The sad thing is that we did lose one calf . It was a twin . It seems the mama was too busy with the other one , and this one rolled off the straw and into the snow . So sad . My husband had gone to check on the cows , and I had gone to sleep . A while later , I woke up to the lights still on . I figured it was about 11 or so . I looked at the clock and it was 3 AM . I went out to the kitchen to find my husband . I asked what he was doing up and he told me about this baby calf that couldn 't stand or get warm . The calf came to the Quonset NICU and he had been warming him and feeding him all night . You want to know my first thought ? I didn 't feel too bad for him . I thought ( like I have in the past ) , " This is kinda cool to see HIM be the one to stay up all night and take care of a newborn ! " Aren 't I so nice . And the cool thing about him , is that in between he had cleaned the kitchen and folded all the laundry . I do NOT do that when I 'm up late taking care of babies . So that was kinda nice . Okay , so maybe I did feel bad for him that he was tired the next day . But what can you do when there 's a baby to take care of , right ? A couple of days later , the calf was still sick . My husband came home and his jacket had stuff all over it . I asked him what in the world it was , and he said he had been milking the mama cow ! So there you go . I guess we do milk cows ! I had no idea that they did that when needed . I didn 't know the cows let them . He said that she did try to kick him , but he had to get some of her milk for her sick calf . I guess it worked ! I kept meaning to go down there and get a picture of the NICU for you , but I just haven 't mustered up the courage to walk in the cold and the snow . Too much effort for this sick and pregnant lady . : ) Yep , we are expecting in September . And then I will be the one up all night with a newborn . : ) Hello ! Welcome to my blog . I 'm originally from the city , but my husband just moved me to the country . We are house - sittin ' and farm - sittin ' while my in - laws are away . It 's a whole new world out here , so I thought I 'd blog about our adventures and everything else I have to learn ! It 's been pretty interesting thus far ! Hope you enjoy my stories and my lack - of - farming knowledge ! Hah !

9Sep2015 Times ticking eh ? Posted in DPChallenge by wanderingwelshkisses Joe took a long gulp of his ice - cold beer . Placing the bottle in front of him , he watched as the bubbles made their way to the top with ease . " It 's a sign of sexual frustration you know " said the man . Joe had not realised that he had been tearing off the label and rolling the damp paper between his finger tips . How dare the man interrupt my thoughts . Joe smiled faintly at the man , in a way that he hoped exuded an air of solitude without coming across as abruptly rude . " Times ticking eh ? " said the man , taking a swig of his whisky . Joe felt a wash of repulsion as he looked back at the man . How can he let himself rot like that . Must be an alcoholic . " What ? " Joe asked , losing patience with the man already . " Time is always running ahead off us , it never waits for us to catch up " The man smiled at Joe , revealing his toothless gums but a smile that reached his eyes . Joe ignored his comment . How could he possibly know what I 'm going through . Drunkard . But this was Joes problem . He wasn 't going through anything . Life , he felt , was constantly batting him down . He could not for the life of him get anywhere . He tried . Oh my did he try . Constantly grabbing those opportunities in a desperate attempt for some small slither of success . It happens to everyone but me , God I 'm trying and you 're not helping me . I can 't continually fight when I see you just offer everything on a platter to people who don 't deserve it . Why aren 't you listening when I try so hard . " But then we don 't make the most of what we have so I guess time just gets a bit fed up " The man laughed heartily into his drink , obviously pleased with his ' pearl of wisdom ' Joe thought . Joe let out a sigh in defeat . I could move to a table … No why the hell should I move because some drunk asshole decides to piss me off . Everyone is pissing me off . " Me too ! ! " The man slapped his thigh with enthusiasm . " Who doesn 't like to play games . Or observations games . Well that 's what I prefer . Brain teasers and what not . Have you ever played ' count the number of ' F 's ' in a sentence ? " " How many ' F 's ? " The man asked . His toothless grin stretching with sheer excitement . Poor guy , must be lonely . Joe looked at the man and thought it was best to humour him . He thought for a moment about going home but there was nothing to go home to . Just a movie , or maybe more emails from employers that were not interested in hiring him . An empty fridge . " There 's three . " Joe answered , fully confident in his answer and more than a little irritated at the fact that this man could insult his intelligence in such a way . Doesn 't he know how bloody smart I am ? ! ! " Your wrong there are more ! He exclaimed with such overwhelming delight that for a split second Joe has visions of smacking him hard . Across his smug face ' There are 6 ! ! ! Can you believe it ! ! ! 6 . Apparently the brain cannot process ' of ' . That 's why I love these games …… . Because if you can 't count the ' f 's ' how the hell are you supposed to notice the other things in your life . The big and the small , all because your brain can 't or just doesn 't want too ' . The mans laugher had disappeared to reveal a face that seemed older than the world itself . Joe was thrown off guard with the sudden change in the air . He didn 't want to look at the man at that moment . The gummy smile had been replaced by something harder and softer at the same time . " So , answer me ? " The mans eyes widened and seemed to inhale Joes very soul . ' Why should you get what you want if you never notice what is already here ' . Joe felt that a layer of himself had been exposed . He felt naked , raw and strangely threatened . Of what he did not know but he felt the need to defend himself . " You don 't get anything in this world . Only the people full of hatred and deception get anywhere . And I do notice everything ! ! I noticed when I lost my job ! I notice the bills coming through my letterbox , I notice that every job I apply for rejects me . I NOTICE EVERYTHING " . Joe , slammed the bottle on the side of the bar , the noise echoing through the near empty bar . He inhaled a sharp breath and calmed himself , feeling embarrassed at such a show of emotion . Never show emotion . The man watched Joe , fascinated and somewhat unsurprised by the sudden display of anger . Although he didn 't expect that . Not that quickly anyway . It usually takes time for the fury to make its appearance . A silence fell between them . " I wasn 't saying you in particular . It 's just an observation that I think about from time to time . The observation that things may slip . Opportunities , great moments , love … . They slip as we are not looking because we are not really here . " Joe looked at the man who was now staring straight ahead towards the bottles of whisky and gin lined up against the wall . " I 've had a bad day " Joe mumbled . It came out to sound like an apology which wasn 't what he wanted . Apologise for nothing ! ! The man laughed , the same lines gathering by the side of his eyes " No shit " . They both laughed and took hearty gulps of their drinks . " Where have you been today ? " Joe sighed and decided to answer the man 's question , more out of pity and amusement than anything else . " I woke up at 6 . 15am , hung - over after drinking three bottles of cheap wine . I then didn 't know what to do with myself as I was fired 3 months ago and have nothing to do … ' Joe looked at the man to check for that familiar expression of judgement . He found none so continued . ' I ate stale bread for breakfast as I can be bothered to go shopping . I went on the internet and then slept from 10am until 1pm as I had nothing to do with my time . I watched six feet under and some movies that were disappointing . I thought about my ex and how much a hate her and hoped for her future to be a shit as mine . I forced myself to nap until I had sleep paralysis and felt imaginary people grabbing at my limbs …… . I then popped open a bottle of wine and danced around my room in a drunken haze . I ate a microwave burger before proceeding to drink more … . . I passed out somewhere along the way " . Joe looked at the man , a sudden sense of entitlement came over him . The entitlement to be a miserable shit . ' Yes but you 're not answering my question really . I asked where were you ? Reason being is from what you just told me you were anywhere but there . ' Joes eyes widened in anger . He was angry that he had sat at the bar for this long . He felt angry that he had stayed to listen to some loon who was deliberately out to shit all over his already shitty day . The man continued . ' Yes , you mentioned eating the bread , but you didn 't mention the taste . You mentioned the wine , but not how it tasted or felt to be drunk . You mentioned sleeping , which is an escape so you 're not ' anywhere ' when you sleep . You mentioned your girlfriend which is in the past so doesn 't actually exist … . You mentioned the burger but failed to mention the taste and texture . You see , from what you just said , I have no idea where you were because lets face it you weren 't anywhere . For example where are you now ? ' " Are you ? ' The man looked seriously at Joe ' I don 't think so . You see , from the moment you came in here and started tearing and rolling pieces of the damp label from your beer bottle , I knew you were not here . You were arguing with some co - worker , shouting at your ex , wondering what the hell you were doing here and wondering more about what a loon like me is doing here . You thought about money , the lack of it and where to get more . You thought about the army of people who have wronged you . You thought about your future and thought it looked bleak . You wondered what you would eat for dinner and thought that the last remaining change in your pocket should be spent on something that makes you feel good , such as more alcohol . You pretty much went to your past and tortured yourself before going into the future to torture yourself . You batted between these two time zones , never once just stopping to fall into the present . Have you watched two people playing ping - pong ? " Joe nodded " Well that 's you ! Sometimes when people play the game the noise of the ball hitting the bat and the table echoes through my brain and gives me a headache . When the ball stops , there is peace . Maybe you should just let the ball roll to a stop and hear the ' peace " . Joe didn 't know what to say . He looked away from the man who continued to look straight ahead . I 'm here aren 't I ? He asked himself , suddenly feeling strangely embarrassed . As if the whole world had passed and he had noticed nothing . He looked at his bottle in front of him , suddenly seeing the tears in the label , the print that has faded from his finger tips . The slight glow of green that reflected the dim lights above his head . The reflection of the bottles that lined the bar . The emptiness of that bottle . Joe felt quietly strange at that moment . It was a feeling that was so unfamiliar that his body jerked in protest . " I have to go " Joe mumbled , no longer able to meet the mans eyes . With that he jumped as if scolded by a hot flame from his chair . Like a gust of wind he made for the door , unable to take a backward glance . " Nonsense ! We are all ready . It 's just sometimes the present is so brilliantly simple it can be hard to accept " . He drained the last drops of whisky from his glass . " He 'll come round . They always do , eventually " . 8Apr2014 Tantrums and biscuits - The beginnings of an EFL Teacher Posted in Teaching by wanderingwelshkisses The sweat is trickling down my forehead as I make the five - minute walk to the building where I will be spending the majority of my time teaching . The air is wet , not from recent rain fall but from the sheer humidity lingering in the air . I can feel it sticking to my pale skin and I immediately feel uncomfortable . I have also become a walking buffet for the many mosquitos hovering around and it seems that the leggy insects can 't get enough of me . My hair immediately senses the droplets in the air which are invisible to the naked eye and decides to increase in size . Not one increase in size will suffice and a dramatic new ' Do ' is created in the short few minutes of my walk . I try to pat down the escaping tendrils that have now joined forces in a bid to escape my scalp but give up when I feel the sweat that has accumulated on my forehead . Along with the sweat , my body has decided to viciously hold on to the water in my body , making me unable to glide into the classroom with an air of grace and determination . I have no choice but to wobble in , clumsily . I reach my destination and try to swallow my fear which has been choking me since I drank my first cup of coffee this morning . Grade 1 . I gather my strength and wipe my face of any sign of terror as I make my way in . First I give them a warm smile , quickly followed by a look of horror when they start screaming . One after the other , as if they had been waiting for my very arrival to show me their glorious tonsils . For a split second I panic . Oh my god they are never going to stop screaming . Never . I pull myself together and reach down into the pit of my belly to find my booming , authoritative voice which had been dormant , gathering dust . " Grade 1 , sit in a circle . QUIETLY " . Little arms and legs flap around frantically . A few of the little urchins are still screaming , whilst others are wide - eyed , studying the new figure in front of them . Once the flapping and flailing has ceased , I am left with a shape that most resembles a squashed tomato . Some of the class are facing me . Others have their backs to me . Some haven 't even got it in them to sit up . " Circle ! ! " I bellow . Still , it is a fruitless instruction and I am still left with a heap of children , all looking inquisitively up at me . One child has his finger so far up his nose that I am worried that he is permanently damaging himself . Another child has taken to studying my feet and seeing the scabs from walking around Bangkok in new shoes , his eyes light up in delight . He swoops in and starts picking . My protests telling him to stop fall on deaf ears and he practically salivates at the state of my feet and the many fleshy wounds he has to pick at . Three others sense that they are missing out and start to join in before , exasperated , I put my shoes back on . All four of them recoil in disappointment . Story time gives me a moment to breathe , albeit temporarily . The silence falls upon the class as I act out the story , putting my drama lessons into great practice . They are all watching me with intrigue and I 'll be damned if I am losing them now . I act out various voices that would put a split personality to shame . My arms are flapping wildly and even my legs get involved , even though my butt is planted firmly on the floor . With my hair now sticking to my face in matted sweaty knots , I look crazed and demented . I make the mistake of moving towards the interactive white board to show the story visually . I firmly tell them to be quiet and start tampering with the wires and USB cables and whatever else that could be tugged at . I hear the noise behind me start with a low hum before literally seconds later I turn round to see full chaos unfold . Finally after what seemed like five hours of torture , I get the images up onto the board and the screams and whimpering 's come to a delicious halt . Craft activity finally comes into full swing . Now is my chance to complete the register and learn 25 Thai names . Little hands tug at my skirt demanding more coloured pencils , pencil sharpeners and glue . One child starts sniffing the Pritt Stick whilst another starts practicing his Kung Pho moves on the carpet . I repeat myself constantly . " Sit down , colour in , beautiful picture , stop that , do not put glue on the desk , sit down , right that 's it ! " I gravitate towards the ' points ' system that is carefully displayed on the board , constantly . Holding my marker pen threateningly to the board , I loudly run through the team colours . " Red ! ! All sitting down ? Good five points " . I delight in the effect it has . The children cross their arms and hold themselves up with a strange determination now that I am threatening to remove their beloved points . I can 't help but giggle and have to turn my face away to ensure that they see I mean business . You can hear a pin drop . The lesson comes to an end and I swallow my dry throat and gather my belongings . Making the walk back to the staff room , I feel that I have aged slightly . The blood has drained from my face and I am almost translucent by the time I reach my desk and finally breathe . " How were they ? " My colleagues ask , looking expectantly at me , wondering whether the new teacher will crack and fall to pieces . " Oh they were delightful , really delightful " . They smirk with a knowing in their eyes before handing me the biscuit tin . Welcome to the world of primary teaching in Bangkok . 23Feb2014 What If My Dreams Don 't Come True ? Posted in Life by wanderingwelshkisses Just two words can leave me in a cold sweat . Two words that have had me tossing and turning throughout the early hours of the morning , putting those dreams on hold or shattering them and most importantly , having me doubt every cell that swims flippantly through each and every vein in my body . So , as I come to the last year of my twenties , I look back at my ' what if 's ' with an arched eye brow and an eye role here and there . It happens . Sometimes you lose out to someone with more experience . Sometimes you realise that you had completely fucked up in the interview process through nerves that made you come out in a rash that looked ' medical attention ' worthy ( just me then ? ) . Sometimes it 's not what you know but who you know . Some you win , some you lose but I think you always end up where you are supposed to be . It sounds easy to say ' just have faith ' and that I 'm flippantly putting that statement out there with no thought . But that is not the case . I have certainly lost out on many jobs . I have also been hired for many jobs that I now wish I had lost out on . Still , I completely have faith that I will end up in a job that makes me happy . One that doesn 't leave me crying silently in a cubicle , having sleepless nights and generally losing my mind . Have faith that all will work out as it should . Keep working on projects that utilise your natural talents and above all keep trying . The wheel has to turn the other way eventually . This did happen to me and unfortunately it wasn 't when I was a teenybopper , shovelling greasy chips into paper cartons at the local fish and chip shop . Nor did it happen when I started a sales career knocking on strangers doors trying to force a brand new gas and electricity supplier down their unsuspecting throats . Nor did it happen when I was dodging responsibilities in my last job . It happened when I felt I had found the ideal role . Right in the heart of Sydney , in an office block that revealed views of a city that took my breath away . My new role was to create documents for the bankers . A role that would have me exploring the depths of the Microsoft office suite to create visually pleasing masterpieces . The high - flying bankers would then use the documents to close various multi - million dollar deals . I got the job through a friend . Someone who helped me through the interview and a 3 hour Microsoft office test to secure the job . I felt I had hit the jackpot . Finally I could stay in Australia - my dream place and build the life I 'd always wanted . It wasn 't to be . Barely a week into the new job I was gently told to hand in my pass and make my way to the exit . Quite rightly too as I had no idea how to navigate through Excel never mind create a fancy technical graph that would leave members of the boardroom drooling . I also wanted it so much that I couldn 't concentrate , preferring to beat myself up over every single mistake that I made or the fact that I was just so damn slow . I left feeling like such a failure that my words here cannot do the crushing , overwhelmingly disappointed feeling justice . Now I look back and see a small glitch in the road . Something that I barely think about and if I do , it no longer matters anywhere near as much as it did . It wasn 't meant to be and yes , I could sit here and think of what could have been but that really is a fruitless act . Sometimes your hired and sometimes your fired . Sometimes you resign and the boss loses out . Sometimes your fired and you lose out . As long as you tried your best and gave it your all then that 's what really matters . You never know , perhaps a few years down the line you will realise that it was the best thing that ever happened , which is certainly the case for me . When I look back at my past relationships , I usually cringe . Reason being is that I was so desperate , it was embarrassing . Falling in love is wonderfully painful . With it brings a certain madness to the mind which can leave you being extremely unreasonable at the best of time . Sometimes , when you are least expecting it , that nasty soul sucking worm will start whispering to you that all is not safe and your loved one will be making their grand exit shortly . With the worm now nibbling slowly at your sanity , you throw caution to the wind and begin to latch onto your loved one with smothering force . It not clever and it isn 't pretty . There is nothing worse than a desperate lover . He may well leave . It could be because the grass seems greener . It could be because the relationship has run its course or it could be that your insecurities are driving them away . Relationships end and relationships begin . The sooner you let go , the easier it will be … For you . As the saying goes ' If you love something , let it go . If it comes back to you , its yours forever . If it doesn 't , then it was never meant to be ' . Also , you may be surprised that when you are out of ' that ' relationship and recovered , you may look back and think ' my god he was a prick . What the hell was I thinking ? ' Or something along those lines . Many people are single and more and more people are choosing to stay that way . Take a dear friend of mine who is maybe in his 50s . He has been single for the entire 12 years that I 've known him and has resigned himself to the fact the he is going to remain single . Comfortable in his routine , it has now become harder to let someone into his life . For me , I believe that it is far more important to be comfortable in your own skin than to search for someone to fill the void . If you can 't be alone , truly by yourself in your own company , then you will have a hard time really flourishing in any relationship . Work on yourself , no matter how painful that may be . Make yourself into the best You possible . If someone does come along and sweeps you off your feet then hopefully they will have worked on themselves too and together you would make one unbeatable team . If someone doesn 't come along then at least you can say that you enjoy your own company and actually LIKE yourself . That you can fulfil all your dreams and ambitions without hoping that someone else will do it for you . Take control of yourself . Make yourself happy . Once you have achieved that then whether someone is in or not in your life will be irrelevant . Ah , the joys of making friends when you 're an adult . Gone are the days of wandering through the school corridors rubbing shoulders with your greatest fans - your friends . When you 're an adult taking on the pressures of the working world , making friends becomes a little ( a lot ) less straight forward . Yes , there are going to be people who just don 't like you . Sometimes on sight . Just the mention of your name could have people kicking the office bins over in a frenzy . Sometimes there are valid reasons that you have people vividly plotting your death . Other times it really is their problem . As they say , you can 't please everyone and why the hell should you . Life it tough enough as it is without having to try to please people who will never appreciate your uniqueness . That 's not to say you run around with your head up your arse , practically choking on your own ego . Be sincere , listen to others and show kindness . People love people . It 's human nature to be social creatures . Be the one to break the ice and introduce yourself . New and amazing friendships are waiting where you least expect them to be . I have a list that had been created when I was in my early twenties . It pretty much went as you might guess with emphasis on the house , car , great job , great man , holidays and money . Pretty much a fancy pants lifestyle . Now I sit in my parents house as I wait to see if the job I want ( and one I know I will be good at ) will come through . I have no house or no mortgage to speak of , no car , no man in sight and little savings . If you had told me that when I was writing my dream list and crossing my fingers for the days to come I would have felt severely deflated . My stroppy younger self would have thrown the tantrum of all tantrums while asking the big question ' what the fuck is the point then ? ! ' Well , I can safely say that I wouldn 't have it any other way . I have one year before reaching my thirties and I may or may not tick off all my to do list and that 's ok . As long as I grow a little wiser , a little happier and a little kinder then that 's all that matters to me . This seems to be the reaction from most people . A mixture of envy with a dash of cynicism topped off with a large dollop of disappointment . I get it . For years after my first TEFL contract in China I swore I would never dip my toe into the world of teaching again . Fuelled by the various comments bashing English teachers as ' avoiding responsibility ' , ' unaccepted by their own country ' and ' wasters and hippies with no ambition ' I gave up on teaching altogether . My 20 - year - old mind had been firmly polluted by the endless jibes that come hand in hand with TEFL . Instead , after completing my degree , I pushed myself into the corporate world with dreams of a flash wardrobe and an even flashier car . And this is where I lost ' myself ' . Hired and jumping up and down in my parents kitchen I thought my new - found success would pave the way to management heaven . Having received my contract and welcome letter as a new employee of a global IT company I could not conceal my excitement and satisfaction . The girl from the bleak council estate was well and truly on her way to success . I began my role with the enthusiasm of a new puppy , all wide - eyed and bushy - tailed but still shaking in my boots at the thought of using Excel and numbers as they certainly weren 't my personal strengths . I got to work an hour early , always first to arrive and usually last to leave . Lunch times would be spent at the desk trying desperately to hide another Excel formula fuck up as I watched the days pass in a blur of pivot tables and numbers , adding and subtracting . Sometimes I would bound out the door , satisfied that my day was full of small successes . Other days I would cry at the thought of messing up another report . A report that barely anyone ever read . You see after a few months in the role I realised that no one cared . Reports and new websites that I fawned over and spent countless hours trying to perfect were pretty much irrelevant . I realised that I had become part of the furniture , another brick in the wall of a massive corporation and that no amount of trying was going to get me anywhere . Hushed discussions with other disgruntled employees furthered my suspicion that I was going nowhere fast and the only way up was to leave and reapply for the desired new role . When I was a fresh newbie I listened as my trainer spoke about a woman on another floor who hide all her ' to do work ' under her desk . This woman did sweet f . a for 6 months before she was caught out from the growing mounds of paperwork forming under her desk , trying to escape . At the time I was horrified . How lazy and inconsiderate . Now I realise that no one gave a shit , and for her laziness ( or cleverness ) to go unnoticed for that amount of time must have meant that she was both invisible and irrelevant . Something I was to become familiar with . Once the rose - tinted glasses had been removed and I was no longer breaking into a cold sweat on report days , I found myself slipping into a cubicle coma . For 8 hours a day I sat , clicking on the mouse creating documents that would be sent into the black hole of cyber space . I had mentally left the building . The silence would descend over the office as each of us punched in numbers and wrote out endless emails , while I tried desperately to find some sense of fulfilment in a job that I should not have been in . A job that I had no natural talent for . But that didn 't stop me from pushing and forcing myself to fit the mould , unaware that I was depleting my spirit with each day that passed . After I ' woke up ' and realised that I had no business being in IT , never mind an office , I slipped out unnoticed . No one saw me place my plant in my bag and forage around for my shoe collection that had been gathering under my desk . I cut my notice short and left , walking out into the grey sky and damp air without ( so much as ) a backward glance . Now I look back at all the years I spent chasing the money signs and all I see is someone wanting to conform . Someone desperate to have a desirable CV and endless Linkedin contacts . Someone who wanted to go to work in smart clothes , reeking of success . Someone who wanted a nice monthly wage , with an even nicer bonus and a mortgage to boot . Now I 'm no longer that somebody , but it took me years to wake up from wanting that dream . I now wait to begin my English teaching role in Bangkok where I can go back to the hustle and bustle of the uncomfortably humid streets . Where the various smells of the street stalls attack my senses and where everyone seems to be on ' Thai ' time , walking at snail pace and coming to classes late . And as for people who question my dreams and ambitions I say simple to mind your own . My dreams , wherever they may lead , are none of your concern . Let me enjoy the fact that at nearly 29 years old I may have found my calling and thank fuck for that as it has taken me to hell and back trying to find it . 4Feb2014 Dear retired Passport … . . Posted in Travel by wanderingwelshkisses We had some fun didn 't we ? 10 years have passed since you landed through my letterbox . I took you out of your envelope and cradled you with love and affection . I marvelled at your empty pages and the swirl print that decorated each page . You did well , I 'm proud to say . You fought the elements and the random spillages ( we both remember that custom officer saying that you smelt bad from a recent coffee wash ) and were forever faithful when we boarded another plane or when your pages were fondled by yet another customs officer . I heard of other owner 's who 's passports strayed . Badly behaved one 's that chose the day of traveling to play hide and seek . You never tortured me like that . We filled your first page with a visa for America and you took your first trip in your stride . You were proud and clean , ready to take on the world , full of naïve optimism . We set off to China and weathered the bleak cold and blistering winter winds . That was the time you were taken from me and held hostage , but I fought for you of course and as soon as we were reunited we ran for it , back home to safety . You slept in a drawer full of broken dreams before deciding that indeed you felt bare and naked with your empty pages and wanted a few more decorative pieces . I am not one to mess with dreams so we filled you up with multiple stamps from Australia , a visa for Laos , a visa for Thailand , another for Vietnam . A stamp here and a stamp there , like Kisses . I showed you off by taking pictures , showing your latest and greatest decorative piece . Yes , we did have some good times you and I . It pains me that you are retiring . Don 't take the trim off the edge of your front cover from that frightful passport renewal officer to heart . You took on more than most passports I can assure you and just because there will be someone newer and fresher taking your place does not mean you were not loved . Yes the new passport may have more pages and a fancy chip but it has nowhere near the experience you have . It is a newbie , a real young ' un compared to you . I can only hope that it continues your legacy and takes on the world as you have . May you be a lesson to the new passport and others ( particularly my parents passports as they have never been anywhere ) . You have set the bar high and I know in years to come you will indeed come out for those occasions where any future children and hopefully grandchildren will look at you in wonder and delight at all the places you have been , touching your colourful pages with all their beauty . Yes , take this time to relax with the various other retired documents . Reflect on the good times and all that you have achieved as you will always be my first real passport . The one that took on the challenges , faced the fear and did it anyway . 4Feb2014 28 - The year my skinny genes went AWOL Posted in Being a woman by wanderingwelshkisses Slipping on my stretchy black leggings that have become my entire wardrobe , I poke the belly fat that has decided to pour itself over the elastic . As much as a prod , poke and grab , it continues to hang , spitefully . My body and I are again at war . I read an article many years ago where a woman wrote that her body went against her when she turned 28 . It seemed quite unbelievable to my then 21 - year - old mind that her body decided that was the year to wreak havoc . Not 38 , 48 or 58 . Just 28 . My dad warned me of such things too . Laying on the sofa , stretched out in a permanent plank position with the mother of all bellies , he would retell his tale of youth . A time where he drank men under the table , ate 8 meals a day , snacked non stop and never put on a pound . In fact his tall skinny frame was the stuff of legends . Until he reached his late 20 's where it all went wrong . " Mark my words " he would say , taking a giant gulp from a can of larger " you wont stay slim forever " . Unlike my father it did take some work to remain relatively slim , although not a lot . I could knock off a few calories from my daily allowance and the pounds would fall off . A few inches on the thighs could be trimmed down with an hour here or there on the treadmill . All in all it was a fairly easy job . Until now . For some reason unknown to me , my body has firmly decided that it will not continue to work with me or even cooperate on a friendly basis when it comes to losing inches . Miss a meal and it merely sniggers into its belly pouch . Pounding the treadmill or the dreaded cross trainer and the fat continues to hold onto my thighs like a long - lost love . I 'm trying desperately to break up the fat party gathering on my hips but my words of criticism to the point of bullying are no longer being heard . Needless to say I am furious . Part of me wants to ' just let go ' and leave my body to do its natural thing but then again that might be all the encouragement it needs to turn my arse into buffalo size . The strange thing is , when I look at other women I usually appreciate a woman with curves and have always thought that if I were a man , my eyes would be firmly planted on Kim kardashian 's arse , no matter that she leaves me rolling my eyes with her antics . For my self though , I like the lightness that comes with laying off the buttered bread roles and chocolate pudding . My journey to fatness came when I decided to join the gym whilst I working in the corporate jungle . I would feel smug when I planted my butt in my desk chair after pounding the treadmill for 45 minutes in my lunch hour . Co - workers would look in wonder when I 'd come back looking like I had put my head in a preheated oven , all red and sweaty . ' My , I wish I had your commitment ' . They would say . So that is what I did during my lunch hour or after work , even going as far as cycling home in the blistering cold . Yes , I worked hard … Only to get fatter . You may think I was eating more but it wasn 't the case . I researched weight gain from gyming it , and was furious to discover that pounding treadmills and general cardio exercise could be a breeding ground for fat molecules to get all pissy and start holding on for dear life , due to the dreaded stress hormone released whilst exercising . To fight the war , as there was no way I was being defeated without a fight , I decided that Body Combat was the way forward . A good combination of weights and sweat . What I didn 't take into account is that my thighs need no encouragement into getting bigger . So while I was doing those squats and proudly adding more weight to the bar , my thighs were packing on the pounds , deciding to take on the world with the aim of domination . Needless to say all that thigh fat is a bitch to get rid of . Pleading , crying , anger , physical abuse and gentle words of encouragement are ignored . My soft flesh meanly hangs , with no signs of moving on no matter how many eviction notices I slap on . One year was all it took for my body to give me the finger and declare that it would no longer be putting up with over exercise , false promises of food and sugar - free goop . It finally took a stand and said no more , much to my dismay . Now my mind and body just scream at each other to the point of defeat . This usually happens when I plan to leave the house , trying on multiple outfits , huffing and puffing in the mirror before settling on the first outfit I tried on in the first place . Maybe I should start smothering my fat with love … . It may get all rebellious and decide to leave like a teenager seeking independence . We shall see . 1Feb2014 Through the eyes of a Psychopath Posted in Looking back by wanderingwelshkisses She wants to leave ? She wants to leave . She can 't leave . " So I will go back to the UK and find some job I suppose … " She trails off . That means she must be unsure or lacking confidence in her decision . I look at the red wine in her glass , barely touched . It 's not like her to leave the wine untouched and this frightens me more . Any action that I can 't predict leaves me feeling slightly nervous . I need to change tactic . You 're losing her . I down the wine in one gulp , feeling the acidity trickling down my throat . I notice her judging me . Or is that fear ? Oh I do hope it is fear . I refill my glass and her words of encouragement wash over me . " So " She continues nervously " I will see you in the UK , like we discussed . Like we planned " . Yes three weeks alone time . Who can I fuck in that time , who can I … Stop . Focus on the energy source in front of you . I down the glass of wine again . Again there is fear in her eyes . I love it when her eyes widen in fright or when I feel that nervous energy she gives off when she has no idea what she is doing . She gives of such a delicious vibe when she is frightened , like Bambi caught in the headlights . She becomes something soft and moldable , putti in warm hands . She is so easy it hurts , but sometimes she closes up and puts up these invisible barriers . That 's when I become overwhelmed with anger . She is mine after all . I top up my glass again and think about her leaving and possibly escaping . Women can 't be trusted . I hate her . I want her and I hate her . I have yet to break her but it is not for lack of trying . I try everyday . The light is a lot less bright in her eyes . I can see by the way she walks that the confidence of being young and careless is becoming less visible . I don 't know whether I want her less now . What else can I emotionally beat from her ? Yet she may realise what I am when she leaves me to visit family and friends . The people I hate the most as they are constantly in the background , giving her advice and warnings . Warnings against me of course . I hate them . My mind is running wild . I don 't know what to do first . The sympathy plea ? The crocodile tears ? The threats ? Scare tactics ? Love bombing or drop the crazy bomb ? Threaten to kill myself ? Threaten her ? Oh there are just so many options . Fuck it , I 'll do them all . " Your going to leave me , I know you will . You say these things but you will get home and meet someone else " Accuse ! " There 's someone else … There must be " . I feel the ice prickle my heart and I watch her as she defends herself . I know she is telling the truth but to see her emotions spill onto the restaurant table is a treat . That 's it , tell me how much you love me . I am suitably drunk right now and I am thinking of who I could be screwing . My girlfriend is a cockblock . I want to leave and practically snap my fingers , making her jump . I want to drink more . I want whisky . I make her walk quickly back to the flat . I do not notice my surroundings only the hatred that keeps building . It 's not a far walk , thank fuck , as my throat is dry from the desire of whisky and the copious amounts of cigarettes I have managed to inhale on the short walk . When we arrive I rush towards the Red Label whisky and drink from the bottle . I look at her and feel nothing . Never have and never will . Her very being irritates me and I hate how much she feels . Her sympathy and compassion for others makes me sick and her femininity makes me gag . But oh she is so easy to destroy . I do it all that night . I drink and cry . My performance is Oscar worthy and for a second I am confused by my act . I can 't remember if this is the part I should cry or get angry ? The whisky is hindering my performance . I decide to evoke sympathy from her first but she just looks blankly at me . She has seen this performance before . Changing tactics , I smash up the DVD player and some plates for added effect . The DVD player came apart quickly but in the process cut my hand . I watch as the blood trickles down the side of my palm . I look at her sitting in bed with the white sheets up to her chest . I walk over and wipe the blood in her face , smirking as she flinches . The reaction is just what I needed and I want more . I walk into the bathroom to get a razor blade and scratch her initial into my cheek . I continue to threaten her with promises to kill myself . I can 't get enough of the attention . I want more , more , more . Alcohol , pain , control , reaction . I do not remember what she said to me as her facial expressions changed from love to hate , fear to pity , sympathy to disgust . I do not remember as I do not care to remember . She gave me what I wanted which was an audience . Plus her feelings for me are real which put me in a position of power . You see , I feel nothing for this woman who I made fall in love with me with false promises of love and protection . I enjoy watching that sparkle of innocence in her eyes when we first met , diminish as each day ends . I can see she is dying inside , sluggish and slow and it fills me with excitement . If I could suck anymore life out of her I would but she has little to give now . So very little that I should look at something fresher , newer . All in good time .

Arguing with my child the other night she sighed her " I just want to hurt someone , and it 's gonna be you ! " sigh and exclaimed " Can 't you please just look at it from my point of view ! " I could . I owed her that . So I tried . And five minutes later she still was upset at me because I wouldn 't let the chickens sleep the night in her dollhouse because , as she pointed out , the lightning was very scary that night . Really , it didn 't hurt me to look at her situation from her position on the bed where we sat for a minute as she explained about Antoinette 's broke wing , and Goldie 's reoccurring nightmares about dogs , lawn mowers & some neighbor boy with big teeth . It didn 't kill me at all . And she feels better about a dad who would at least try to see it from her perspective . Sometimes we learn a lot by seeing things as others see them . Sometimes not so much . I really didn 't learn much from listening to her concerns that night , but I appreciate her more for the tender - hearted soul she is . And frankly , I never would have thought to concern myself with " chickens dreams " on a cloudy night . ( sounds like the Mamas & The Papas ) If walking for a mile in the other dudes moccasin 's isn 't your style , try stilts . Or , try just listening without pushing your own agenda . I 'm not sure I am up to this essay . I posted it , un - posted it and here it is again . Taking a stand is better left for the smart and strong . Honestly , I feel as nervous as Obama without a teleprompter . ( Had to work that in ) Let 's jump right into it . Is there a god ? Does god have the power and knowledge we usually associate with someone so omnipotent and ominous ? Would he have the authority and knowledge to establish structure ? I say " Yes " to all the above . I believe that God does have the power ( Reminds me of He Man ) . I believe that he is all - knowing . And I believe that he can communicate his will to those on earth , and that he does so through his prophets . If we believe this , then do we choose to follow the prophet or no ? And what does that mean ? Does following the prophet mean that I have to create or uphold laws that insist marriage is for M and F ? If I do that , are my other brothers and sisters screwed ? If I had chosen to go a different route and had tried to find a man to be with as a team and partnership and marriage instead of a woman , would I feel the same ? Somehow , I think that no . I would be fighting for my rights . Just as I feel I did in the war in heaven . I was on the side of freedom of choice and you would probably recognize me if the veil was lifted . I fought , and I fought hard . And I don 't think Lucifer likes me very much . Originally at this point , I published the parts ' o the PROCLAMATION ON THE FAMILY . I believe it is scripture - words reveled to the prophet GB " the man Hinkley . I still recommend everyone read it - even if you have in the past , even if you think you know / remember what it says . Honestly , if you read it without agenda and don 't see good in it for families and children , you may be too agnostic to get anything out if this silly blogspot . Even the staunchest gay rights supporters that I know have praised it , at least in theory , for trying to protect the family as an institution . There is a little difference in opinion at one point . Well , not so little . ( Name that movie if you can ) 5 . Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony , and to be reared by . . . those . . . who honor marital vows with complete fidelity . Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ . Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith , prayer , repentance , forgiveness , respect , love , compassion , work , and wholesome recreational activities . It 's like a freaking manual for excellent parenting ! Of course , I substituted " Those " for " Man and a Woman " if you remember . But it reads like Dr . Spock or some other scholarly 70 's reference equally as vague . I think that the Proclamation is inspired . Does that mean that I should interpret it to exclude those wanting what I have ? In a marriage , I mean ? I don 't think so . Could the answers change in the future as it did with the priesthood became available to all worthy men ? Maybe . Do I know the reason for a possible future change ? No , but I would follow the council and be thrilled for everybody affected . Do I understand why it is what it is ? No . I have ideas and opinions though - like everybody who cares . Bottom line for me : I don 't know why . I don 't know why I don 't know or if I ever will know while on this earth . I am Mormon . I am gay . And I am proud to be a man . And I want to find a way to do this blog - thing so that everyone feels important and validated and loved . . . . for something not gay related . It could happen . He wanted to release me from the best job I ever had in the church : Gospel Doctrine teacher . I guess my tenure was up . Either that or someone ratted me out for disguising my caffeinated beverage as a flower arrangement and sipping from a tulip periodically . But this isn 't about me . Its about you ! What do you think of me ? ( If you are really gay man , you can name that movie ) I respect the guy . I have had good luck with bishops - for the most part . Only once did I have a bishop spend more than an hour giving me examples from his lengthy and amorous past to prove to me how gay he was not and would never be . In my sorted BYU youth I had a bishop put me through the handbook ringer for a year to get back in full fellowship , and after a year of doing everything he told me that the stake president , whom I had never met , wanted me to go another year . At that point I went off the deep end and almost didn 't make it back . But I did . My current bishop was a neighbor of mine before he was called , and is still living several houses down from me . Having him as a neighbor has been a blessing , and not in the way you might think . You see , I think of him as my friend and neighbor first , and a bishop second . I remember him mowing his lawn in his plaid shorts and his white legs . I remember his silly Halloween decorations that the neighborhood killer dog ate and left for yuck . I remember he is a guy first , and a bishop second . Most bishops are . Being guys , they bring to the table what they are , and sometimes what they are not . Trying to do things by the spirit doesn 't always work so well for guys . We are all learning . How is the Lord going to get things done here without using guys like my neighbor ? I would want him to give me a break if I were in his boring black lace ups , cause I wouldn 't get everything right by a long shot . With all the horror stories of how insensitive bishops can be ( and I have seen some Lou - Lou 's on the Internet ) I just wanted to let men and non men who are reading cal thompson I am folding socks today . I had to recruit two of my kids to assist and not because the task is so daunting and the pile is so high . But the task is daunting and the pile is high , and I get depressed sitting here surrounded by socks that are procreating as I sort . My one good wool sock begat and begat and is still begating and they are taking over the basement to the point where , to be effective , I have to move them to the living room . People come over and I say , " Here , sit and have a cookie and you aren 't leaving until you fold a dozen pair or two " . I think the best thing to do is to throw a few away . But which ? I love the wool - one of Maria 's favorite things . I like the sporty strips and cool patterns . Plain black silk feel good . I love the sort - a see through - ish ones that grampa used to wear to church . This is gonna hurt . And it 's gotta be done . I gotta pick the ones that I can handle and toss the rest away . And there 's my metaphor . Like my favorite GA . Only if he told this story it would have a happier ending with all the black socks being matched and put snugly away in the appropriate drawer cause his wife was a peach and bought him thirty of all the same . My wife is not a peach , and I buy my own socks . I have a socks fixation . However my socks fixation is taking over the world . If I don 't clean house , I am gonna be cleaning house for the rest of my life . Let us see now , clean ones proverbial house before socks take over , get rid of the old beliefs and traditions that are holding us back , buy all the same socks or don 't be bothered by mis - matched leggings . . . did I get them all ? Maybe there 's another one or two there . You decide . Hey Handsomes and Prittys . I wrote the essay with the above title , posted it and went on my merry . I removed it because I needed to re - think it due to some rather painful but true - as - heck feedback . I just posted the version I should have written the first time . Maybe I may add a photo of me and we 'll all target practice . ( And there it is ! Gosh , I 'm good ! ) A question for you readers . Are you OK with me not knowing stuff ? To keep this blog moving , do I have to know ? If that is the case , then , as a good friend pointed out to me , I may be done here . I really want to create a space for people who are making decisions in their life to be able to read and think and discuss and maybe to go to the lord in prayer . For some reason my wonderful blog to help people is turning into a soapbox or a reloading dock or worse . That 's not what I wanted it to be . I spent an hour arguing with a guy on line last night about whether the term " SSA " was valid or not . WTFF ? ( Where 's The Freakin ' Faith ? ) It was like bad Benny Hill . Is that what I 'm here for ? Is that what I have created ? I make a rather lousy keystone cop . ( Ah , come on ? You haven 't seen Benny Hill ? ) Anyway , read the new and improved version if you please . And forgive me too , please . I love my priesthood . My priesthood . How silly to say , cause it ain 't mine . I get to hold it . I get to use it . I get to be in cahoots with someone much better that I am . It 's the Lords . He shares . I don 't know if I would be so generous if he were me . Quaint , huh ? The archaic thought that I can hold something that is part of God . Not a very popular notion these days . In fact , with " God is love and everywhere and nowhere " being a metaphysical part of Gods work is a concept that is out of style , out of date , and out an audience . Even the most conservative of the conservatives have evolved to a " All you need is love . . . da , da da , da da . . . " belief that has evolved into an " all there is is love " belief that means everything and nothing to most people who seem to want less and less responsibility . Treating everyone with kindness and love is a huge part of what it means to follow the Lord . In fact , the New Testament is all about His higher law : Love . His Sacrifice . Repentance , Forgiveness . These are not passive things . And there is more . The priesthood could be considered several categories away form popular cultures beliefs of how God operates . On the Wheel of Fortune scale , there is about seven spaces between " God is love " and " Gods Priesthood power " . In between are " Bankrupt " , " You lose " , " Be nice to others " , " Pay taxes " and a few that are less or more intelligent . " Love is good , and good is God is all and nothing " is a little hare for Vanna to spell . Priesthood is power . Priesthood is responsibility . Priesthood is God on earth . No one can transgress the laws of chastity and expect to find peace unless he sincerely repents of the sin . The Book of Mormon tells us that the Holy Ghost will not dwell in unclean tabernacles . And if we lose the power of the Holy Ghost , it is impossible for us to use the priesthood authority bestowed on us . But I want to use the priesthood ! I want to wear the clothing that reminds me of the commitments I have made . I want to be spiritually connected to something bPosted by Why do our genitals seem to run , and become the very focus of , our life ? Look out and up , Men ! Sex is a part of a very full life . What are the other parts ? And how are you living them ? And if you don 't have other parts , I think you should get some ! Posted by As a writer , I try to embrace some popular stereotypes to use as quick and humorous literary devices and I use them often - like a good malapropism ( are you a Jew or a Genital ? ) or a word that begins in k , like Kazakhstan . Or anything from Northern Arizona . In doing so , I accept the un - PC nature and the consequences inherent in there use . In short , stereotypes can be quick , to the point , and make people laugh . I also , picture this , piss people off ( my second least favorite " P " word ) . Just because I am okay with a well placed humorous stereotype does not mean that everyone else it so enjoys . ( funny sentence ) Examples : A man eating pant - suit wearing Hillary . It might anger , but you get it quickly . Tighter than my mother in law at a yard sale . My wife may not laugh . Flannel wearing gun toting bubba . Not so funny to my dad 's best friend , Bubba . Here 's a new one . The gay promiscuous Peter priesthood . Here - to known as the PPP Ouch ! Been there , done everybody . Now , I feel like I can use this stereotype because I have been one in the past - like I can use Arizona stereotypes cause I 'm from there , or BYU jokes cause I am a Zoobie . I know " us " from the inside out . There was a time when I was as promiscuous as . . . a really promiscuous dude . I learned it at the Y , perfected it out in the world , and before I contacted AIDS or had my wanger fall off , I stopped . I made another choice . Currently I am a homosexual Mormon man , but I do not live a gay lifestyle . This for me means that I have sex with my wife when we have it , and no one else . I do not pretend that all is well in Zion by day and rule Babylon at night . Please understand , newbies , that there are those who do this still . Wrong . Wrong . Wrong in so many ways . It was wrong when I did it , and it is still wrong . I understand the feelings that lead a guy to do this , but it is wrong . So what does a homosexual Mormon guy do ? You can 't find the right guy and marry him and then enjoy a full sex life . Mormon men don 't marry men . One can 't hold the priesthood and marry another man . AnPosted by Just keep swimming , just keep swimming , just keep swimming , What do we do ? We swim ! Ah , Ah Ah Ah , Ah Ah Ah , Ah Ahhh . . . My name is Cal . I have no answers . If I had answers I would be on Oprah . Really . I wouldn 't be shy about coming out and saying to the world " These are the challenges that I face every day of my life " . But I don 't have a second home in Montana , or a lot of money , and if I came out and told everyone what I deal with I wouldn 't trust the world at large to take it in stride . People are not okay with me being a gay Mormon who expresses an opinion that different from the fray . There is so much controversy , and so much negative mail sent by those brave anonymous users . Makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing . There is no one for me to ask . Most of the friends I have made " on - line " have different opinions - which is why I started the blog to begin with . Now I 'm accused of dealing porn . ( sorry about the Queen Photo . I thought it was funny ) All I know is that I want to be a husband and father . I want to be a good neighbor and friend . And above all these , I want to be worthy to hold the priesthood . I want this more than I want to get laid . I haven 't been able to say this for all my life , but I can now . I am a gay Mormon man and I like who am - what the Lord created . And I am more than just a penis and a pair . And though there are things about me that I would change - like my paycheck - there are things that I wouldn 't . Things I cherish . Like the priesthood . One of the brighter moments in an otherwise brilliantly conceived film - right up there with " The Producers " and " Saturday 's Warrior " . OK , maybe not " Saturdays Warrior " - though I still want to be Tod RichardsI don 't do logic . I mean that I would like to be the guy who could go from A to B to C in an organized way . I tend to go from Nick at Night to the history channel to KBYU willy - nilly . Algebra and Calculus did me in . I went the foreign language route for graduation instead . I 'm not so good at arguing any point to a logical conclusion . I have kids - nuf said . Most of the time I try to get as much information as I can and then make a decision based on my guts - and whatever I ate that day . Most people say that you can 't be a gay man and a Mormon . I can 't argue with them . All I can say is that I am both . The next argument is that I can 't be really gay . Oh , Honey . I would like to see this gay - o - meter they judge me by . I would be right up there with Ms . Garland , Bree and swarovski crystals . It sounds logical , if you do the logic thing , that if you are gay then what you profess to believe concerning Mormonism can 't possibly be true , that if I accept myself as gay then I have to accept that what the Mormon Prophet teaches is wrong . That I am Gay and Mormon is not an unfathomable conundrum . Nor is it an oxymoron ( or oxymormon ) The LDS church is true . It 's teachings are correct . Also , I am Gay . The two are not mutually exclusive . I remember watching Monti Python 's Search for the Holy Grail . As a gay man , I know the musical version of it inside - out as it was " lovingly ripped off " from the movie . Toward the beginning there is a group of townsfolk who have captured an elusive witch , who is being blamed for societies ills . To prove that this poor girl , with a carrot tied onto her face to elongate her nose , is indeed a witch and not just the bakers wife from next door , there is used some dubious - at best - logic . Is she a witch ? " YES " the smelly townsfolk scream . How do you know ? " Because she turned me into a neut " . The crowd stares Posted by I don 't have brothers , I have cousins . Here they are with the best Northern Arizona has to offer . Who says you can 't get a decent date in a small town ? This is a picture of my couch . Couch happens to me sometimes - as in sleeping on the - much like an episode of Bewitched , only Endora isn 't floating in the corner of the room out to get me . It doesn 't happen to me often enough that I have a " me " indentation in the living room sofa , but I am thinking about painting the living room ceiling with stars or something calming for those stressful days . It 's early in the am my kids want to watch TV cartoons . They ask me if it 's OK . They wake me up to ask me if its OK . I say yes . Do I have a choice ? " No , honey , Daddy was up arguing with mommy about why she isn 't enough woman to satisfy her man . Now let daddy sleep . " So I say sure , honey . Watch cartoons . See how life is from watching Scooby Doo . The bad guys get it in the end and the good guys never want to . Get it in the end , I mean . I hate arguing with my wife about me being gay . Most of the time we just ignore it . But I am having a hell of a time getting it up these days . I try to be a loving husband and do all the things a loving husband does , and for the most part I do OK . I am a decent provider , I am more kind than I am unkind , I treat the kids well , I clean and do laundry and do dishes and landscape the yard and paint and sweep the floors and do things with the family and with her . Somehow , my being gay is an assault to her ego . It hurts me when she takes the responsibility for me being gay personally . As if , somehow , she is not enough . How do I tell her that she is enough ? It 's just that I am attracted to men . It wasn 't something I choose , but I live with it daily . So does she . I tell her that I truly believe that my spirit is not gay , but my body is . When I tell her that , there is something inside of me that tells me it is true . I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice . We did walk into this marriage with eyes wide open . She has issues also . Completely different issues . I was willing to take hers on , and she was willing to take on mine because I loved her and she loved me . We forget that sometimes . But can aPosted by What do ya ' think ? Too much for Relief Society ? I am a gay Mormon . I boldly state this here in blog - land , obnoxiously so at times , so that you know that I know a little about what I write . I truly do not define myself by " Homosexual " uniquely as my defining characteristic . I don 't wish to limit myself that way . Do straight men define themselves by sexual preference " ? " Hi , I 'm Barry , and I like women . " When you ask a straight man what he likes to do , do you get a description of what he does in the bedroom ? No - as a rule . Though I must admit that I met a guy last Wednesday that fit this bill and he could not talk about anything else . Different story . I , however , am a creative , accountable , loving man . I am also gay . I 've also been called a bigot , old fashioned and a poor speller . Two of those accusations have substance . I 'm not sure about the other . I truly hope not . To be frank with you , I don 't feel that I am a bigot . If I go into an ice cream parlor , I tend to get vanilla cause it 's what I know . I am willing to look at that with an open mind . I 'm gay , after all . And I 'm not just a pretend at gay to give myself a way to be different . Or to get an audience for my blog . I am real musical - theater loving , semi - articulate speaking , Designing Women following , general stereotyping , sex with men having gay . Though I feel that my friends who have come out to their family and friends & are living as openly gay are bold and daring , in this day of neo - liberalism it is just as bold to come out for the right , and by right , I mean right - wing . ( I 'm not so arrogant to think that I am always correct . Ok , a little ) . If I am not of the norm , then do I need to be accepting of others who are not of the norm ? Maybe the Lord gave me exactly what he thought I needed to be a better man . Posted by I 'm the one on the left in the long shorts . Some guy touched my butt today . I really should explain , though I am contemplating leaving that statement just as - is for a bit of mystery . Playing basketball at the church has been something I haven 't done since we made differentiation between teams with shirt - vs - skins . Being that I was a bean pole and I didn 't have a chest or anything on it , I always had something else to do when the guys got together at young men 's . I stopped playing sports as a deacon which wasn 't a very long career because I had just started as a deacon the week before . Never did I play team sports again with one brief exception of a half a season of boys volleyball until the unfortunate erection episode of ' 85 . You may have heard about it . So , playing ball , or even wanting to play ball anywhere is difficult for me . Today my home teacher , Matt , who is in the elders quorum presidency , called me frantically to tell me that there were only four men from the team at the stake center ready to play , and that if there wasn 't someone else in five minutes that they ( We ) would have to forfeit . " So , forfeit " , I say . Who needs the stress ? If you show up to play the outcome of the game is still in question . If you forfeit , then it 's done and over with sooner with no tension at all . However , he pulled a quilt trip on me , which is like a guilt trip only more strings attached , and guess where I was in five minutes - with shorts and shoes and three layers of tee shirts so that if I had to take one of them off there would still be two to cover what has filled out to be enough chest for three of younger - deacon - me . Now , the thing is , I can 't play basketball . I am tall , yes , and I watch a lot of B - ball on TV with my boys , but I don 't play . I just pass the ball . If I just need someone to pass the thing around , then I am your man . Or cheer lead , yes , I 'll be there with the manliest pom poms around . Or to stand there in shorts . I can still do that . But " dribbling " is something I usually have to clean up at home . If I really havcal thompson I truly do not wish to be disrespectful , but this rendering answers several questions for me that I felt were important enough to share with you . 1 : The Word of Wisdom must be an astonishing kind of thing that I , for one , will be happy to continue to follow . 2 : Speedos can most assuredly be a fashion yes for the 30 's crowd . 3 : With abs like that , the answer to the question asked of every modern man in this case was definitely " Briefs " . 4 : Refer to # 1 , and then read your scriptures . I don 't have to tell you that there are people within the Mormon church ( and without I suppose ) that are freaked out but the phrase " Gay Mormon Man " . It is a little freaky . Try it for yourself . It will be like the worlds most fruity science fair experiment . Stand in the corner of the relief society room as they are setting up for Sunday school and pretend to be in conversation with someone . Both of you laugh as if something funny was said and as laughter is dying down , one of you mutter loudly " A Gay Mormon Man ? " , or better yet , " He is Gay ? " . It will be like hyenas saying " Mufassa " in the elephant grave yard . ( See how I play to the stereotypes of musical theatre - loving , semi - intelligent gays for comic effect so you will keep reading ? ) Be prepared for a silence worthy of a closet in the temple . There will be stares to rival anything on Housewives of Orange County . There will be weapons drawn , and by weapons , I mean scriptures . Someone may ask to see your recommend . You may loose your cushioned seat in Sacrament meeting . There may be hot glue spilled ! There is much stigma attached to The GMM that is not seen with , say , an alcoholic Elders Quorum President , or kleptomanical ward clerk , or an ex - con hymnal picker - upper . We in the church have a degree of sympathy for the scout leader who cheats on his taxes . But a priesthood guy that wants to touch some dudes butt ? Nope . Not gonna happen . Yes , we have come a long way as a society , and a culture , and as a church . I am seeing much more tolerance for people and their ways than I ever saw growing up - not that my experiences are the standard for Mormon Acceptance of Others . But from what I hear at General Conference , I truly believe that we , the Mormon People , are growing more realistic . The Relief Society president may have a son in jail . Mine did . The bishop 's daughter may be hanging out with a bad crowd and have one too many pierced earrings . It is , I think , becoming acceptable to not be perfect . Now , there are those that are upset at my comparing Homosexuality to alcoholismPosted by I am getting ready to teach a lesson in my Quorum ( group of Mormon men ) on the qualities of a priesthood holder . " Priesthood " is what Mormons call the power to act in the name of god . We believe that this power was given to ancient prophets Peter , James and John who received it from Jesus Christ himself . These men gave the power under his direction to Joseph Smith who gave it to worthy members of the LDS church . I received it from my dad , who received it from Spencer W Kimbell , who received it from Heber J Grant , from Brigham Young , from Joseph Smith . It is something we take very seriously . It is something I take seriously . There is a classic example of how Jesus Christ would have priesthood holders minister to those who are in need . When Peter and John , as was recorded in the book of the Acts of the Apostles of the New Testament , approached a man who had never walked and who was at the gates of the temple , instead of giving him money , the apostle Peter said to him , " Silver and gold have I none ; but such as I have give I thee : In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk . " ( Acts 3 : 6 . ) He didn 't just give him stuff or drop a dime into his cup - though there is nothing wrong with helping a dude out - don 't get me wrong . Peter used the priesthood power which had been given to him to use in the name of Jesus Christ . Then , Peter took the beggar by the right hand and lifted him up . ( Acts 3 : 7 . ) Remember that it wasn 't enough for Peter to command him to walk . Peter took him by the hand and lifted him up . As priesthood holders we are to , like the apostle Peter , take those in need by the arm , encourage them , and give them a sense of security and respect for themselves until they can rise above their challenges to stand on their own feet . The power to act in the name of god , and revelation from god are two of the most important differences between what Mormons believe and what other Christians believe . Well . There was part of the little sermonette for class . Sorry . Anyway , I am preparing for my lesson by cross - referPosted by I am looking at creating a few new year resolutions today . I am trying to approach new year goals with a serious resolve I usually reserve for the scriptures , my CD collection , or desert . Don 't laugh . Desert is a serious subject for those who do not drink , smoke , steal or have sex outside of marriage . A lot of people I know tell me they don 't believe in making resolutions for the new year . They believe that they are just setting themselves up for failure by setting a goal that is unobtainable , or one they know they aren 't going to keep anyway . Why set a goal you don 't think you can reach ? I always think I can reach these goals . That is my charm and my downfall . If I really am serious about a goal , then dang it , I 'm gonna get it done ! It 's my resolve that I question - not my ability . I believe , due to my exhaustive experience in goal - failing , that success is is really based on attitude . If you , after three days of going without a Diet Coke have a complete and total meltdown and inhale a caffeinated beverage at breakneck speed suffering whiplash in the process , then yes , you screwed up . You recommit to the goal or make a new one . You don 't just give up ! You don 't just say screw it , I can never give up caffeine , so why even try . How about a goal to loose weight . I would love to loose ten pounds this year . Actually I would like to loose ten pounds this week . So I do well for several days and then , Whammo ! I eat an entire Marie Calenders chocolate silk pie with pecan crust . Is it over for me ? No freakin way ! I will chase it down with a large caffeinated beverage of my choice and try it again tomorrow ! Trying to be moral has been like this for me . Hoard a pie and then a week diet - a really funky cycle that I had to break . Fortunately , the cycle has been broken up to a huge degree for me . I still face challenges , but I have had some huge successes also . Thank God , literally , for successes that keep us in the game . Remember that failure is never final and caffeine is forever . Keep trying . That is the point that I am not makinPosted by OK , yes it is . But it is also a Mormon blog and a blog for priesthood men who honor their priesthood and wish to keep the LDS church an active part of their lives . I am all three . . . four . Five ? I am an active MarMoHo , a married Mormon homosexual . I have a temple recommend that I received honestly . I support the LDS church and the words of a living prophet . I support people who are gay . It can be done . Please forgive me if there is an ad in the space below is inappropriate . I am trying to figure out how to block the ads I don 't wish to display . They pay for the ice in my Diet Coke Please be aware of sites on the blog - o - sphere that claim to be sympathetic to the teachings of the prophets . Some very well may be . Others are simple journal entries annotating the experiences of an individual with various degrees of success and or promiscuity . Not all can be as wonderful as mine . I hate to sound like the church lady , but chose your blogs and your friends wisely . And eat your vegetables . I write under the name of Calvin Thompson . I am a creative , accountable , and loving man . I am a Mormon who is also gay . I am married and have 3 children . My bishop is in - the - know , and so is my wife and several of my close family members . I consider myself to be a closet conservative , which is not as strange or as un - popular as you might think , and will be increasingly popular as a growing number of the left improves it 's proverbial and literal aim . I believe that LDS people are Democrats in action - as in they try to take care of people , but Republicans in name - they want to do it themselves without regulation . " Chastity is sexual purity . Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts , words , and actions . Chasitity means not having any sexual relations before marriage . It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage . " * This was in my drafts folder . Written a few years ago . Don 't know why I didn 't post it then , but here it is now . I think I 'm ready to tell this story . # 2 . . . I order to better understand one another , I think it would be wise to understand the terms used in these essays . What I propose is an Examination for Discovery , which is briefly a meeting of the opposing sides in a lawsuit where the plaintiff and defendant , with their attorneys , meet to examine each others claims and see whether they can find some area of agreement and thus save the time of the court later on . This is assuming that there is common ground , and I believe that even the most cynical of us would agree that there is . It will be hard to understand one another if you think blue is periwinkle and I think blue is turquoise . I know that the differences may not be a big deal - between periwinkle and turquoise - but I think its best to be incredibly clear . We both may disagree on what blue is , but , for purposes of communication , we will use the terms as listed here - adding when needed . Of coarse they may be subject to change and / or refinement with experience and further knowledge - and with feedback . Being that this is a blog and not a diatribe , I get to lead I suppose . List of Common Terms On Which We May Agreeor Agree To Agree On For Sake of Discussion * For sensitivity reasons we wanted to run this list past my Gramma Ruby , which would have been really helpful not to mention miraculous because she died at an Elizabeth Dole Rally in Boise ) Active : 1 ) A lifestyle characterized by frequent or various social , intellectual , and particularly physical activities ; 2 ) In geology , a volcano which erupts regularly ; 3 ) A member of the LDS Church who is often seen carrying brownies , scriptures or children back and forth to Church . Affirmation : 1 ) A positive assertion . 2 ) An organization for LDS homosexuals and the people that love them , but not affiliated or supported by the LDS Church . Sentence : Falling off of the stage was the affirmation she needed to confirm the universality of gravity . Acronyms : SGA , SGB , SGI SGA : Same Gender ( sexual ) Attraction SGB : Same Gender ( sexual ) Behavior SGI : Same Gender ( gay ) IdentityOGA , OGB , Preference , not Principal This is a blog for Mormon SSA * men who wish to follow the teachings of the LDS church while owning their Homosexuality . It can be done ! This blog - spot is written by a sort - of smart gay man who is a card - carrying member of the LDS church and hopes to remain so . He will remain so by following the teachings of the prophets . His motto for today is " Many a true word spoken in jest , " and he will try to not be so charming . Mr . Thompson thinks he knows just about everything . Lately , it has been proposed that he may , in actuality , not . He is trying to be open to that thought .

Arguing with my child the other night she sighed her " I just want to hurt someone , and it 's gonna be you ! " sigh and exclaimed " Can 't you please just look at it from my point of view ! " I could . I owed her that . So I tried . And five minutes later she still was upset at me because I wouldn 't let the chickens sleep the night in her dollhouse because , as she pointed out , the lightning was very scary that night . Really , it didn 't hurt me to look at her situation from her position on the bed where we sat for a minute as she explained about Antoinette 's broke wing , and Goldie 's reoccurring nightmares about dogs , lawn mowers & some neighbor boy with big teeth . It didn 't kill me at all . And she feels better about a dad who would at least try to see it from her perspective . Sometimes we learn a lot by seeing things as others see them . Sometimes not so much . I really didn 't learn much from listening to her concerns that night , but I appreciate her more for the tender - hearted soul she is . And frankly , I never would have thought to concern myself with " chickens dreams " on a cloudy night . ( sounds like the Mamas & The Papas ) If walking for a mile in the other dudes moccasin 's isn 't your style , try stilts . Or , try just listening without pushing your own agenda . I 'm not sure I am up to this essay . I posted it , un - posted it and here it is again . Taking a stand is better left for the smart and strong . Honestly , I feel as nervous as Obama without a teleprompter . ( Had to work that in ) Let 's jump right into it . Is there a god ? Does god have the power and knowledge we usually associate with someone so omnipotent and ominous ? Would he have the authority and knowledge to establish structure ? I say " Yes " to all the above . I believe that God does have the power ( Reminds me of He Man ) . I believe that he is all - knowing . And I believe that he can communicate his will to those on earth , and that he does so through his prophets . If we believe this , then do we choose to follow the prophet or no ? And what does that mean ? Does following the prophet mean that I have to create or uphold laws that insist marriage is for M and F ? If I do that , are my other brothers and sisters screwed ? If I had chosen to go a different route and had tried to find a man to be with as a team and partnership and marriage instead of a woman , would I feel the same ? Somehow , I think that no . I would be fighting for my rights . Just as I feel I did in the war in heaven . I was on the side of freedom of choice and you would probably recognize me if the veil was lifted . I fought , and I fought hard . And I don 't think Lucifer likes me very much . Originally at this point , I published the parts ' o the PROCLAMATION ON THE FAMILY . I believe it is scripture - words reveled to the prophet GB " the man Hinkley . I still recommend everyone read it - even if you have in the past , even if you think you know / remember what it says . Honestly , if you read it without agenda and don 't see good in it for families and children , you may be too agnostic to get anything out if this silly blogspot . Even the staunchest gay rights supporters that I know have praised it , at least in theory , for trying to protect the family as an institution . There is a little difference in opinion at one point . Well , not so little . ( Name that movie if you can ) 5 . Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony , and to be reared by . . . those . . . who honor marital vows with complete fidelity . Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ . Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith , prayer , repentance , forgiveness , respect , love , compassion , work , and wholesome recreational activities . It 's like a freaking manual for excellent parenting ! Of course , I substituted " Those " for " Man and a Woman " if you remember . But it reads like Dr . Spock or some other scholarly 70 's reference equally as vague . I think that the Proclamation is inspired . Does that mean that I should interpret it to exclude those wanting what I have ? In a marriage , I mean ? I don 't think so . Could the answers change in the future as it did with the priesthood became available to all worthy men ? Maybe . Do I know the reason for a possible future change ? No , but I would follow the council and be thrilled for everybody affected . Do I understand why it is what it is ? No . I have ideas and opinions though - like everybody who cares . Bottom line for me : I don 't know why . I don 't know why I don 't know or if I ever will know while on this earth . I am Mormon . I am gay . And I am proud to be a man . And I want to find a way to do this blog - thing so that everyone feels important and validated and loved . . . . for something not gay related . It could happen . He wanted to release me from the best job I ever had in the church : Gospel Doctrine teacher . I guess my tenure was up . Either that or someone ratted me out for disguising my caffeinated beverage as a flower arrangement and sipping from a tulip periodically . But this isn 't about me . Its about you ! What do you think of me ? ( If you are really gay man , you can name that movie ) I respect the guy . I have had good luck with bishops - for the most part . Only once did I have a bishop spend more than an hour giving me examples from his lengthy and amorous past to prove to me how gay he was not and would never be . In my sorted BYU youth I had a bishop put me through the handbook ringer for a year to get back in full fellowship , and after a year of doing everything he told me that the stake president , whom I had never met , wanted me to go another year . At that point I went off the deep end and almost didn 't make it back . But I did . My current bishop was a neighbor of mine before he was called , and is still living several houses down from me . Having him as a neighbor has been a blessing , and not in the way you might think . You see , I think of him as my friend and neighbor first , and a bishop second . I remember him mowing his lawn in his plaid shorts and his white legs . I remember his silly Halloween decorations that the neighborhood killer dog ate and left for yuck . I remember he is a guy first , and a bishop second . Most bishops are . Being guys , they bring to the table what they are , and sometimes what they are not . Trying to do things by the spirit doesn 't always work so well for guys . We are all learning . How is the Lord going to get things done here without using guys like my neighbor ? I would want him to give me a break if I were in his boring black lace ups , cause I wouldn 't get everything right by a long shot . With all the horror stories of how insensitive bishops can be ( and I have seen some Lou - Lou 's on the Internet ) I just wanted to let men and non men who are reading cal thompson I am folding socks today . I had to recruit two of my kids to assist and not because the task is so daunting and the pile is so high . But the task is daunting and the pile is high , and I get depressed sitting here surrounded by socks that are procreating as I sort . My one good wool sock begat and begat and is still begating and they are taking over the basement to the point where , to be effective , I have to move them to the living room . People come over and I say , " Here , sit and have a cookie and you aren 't leaving until you fold a dozen pair or two " . I think the best thing to do is to throw a few away . But which ? I love the wool - one of Maria 's favorite things . I like the sporty strips and cool patterns . Plain black silk feel good . I love the sort - a see through - ish ones that grampa used to wear to church . This is gonna hurt . And it 's gotta be done . I gotta pick the ones that I can handle and toss the rest away . And there 's my metaphor . Like my favorite GA . Only if he told this story it would have a happier ending with all the black socks being matched and put snugly away in the appropriate drawer cause his wife was a peach and bought him thirty of all the same . My wife is not a peach , and I buy my own socks . I have a socks fixation . However my socks fixation is taking over the world . If I don 't clean house , I am gonna be cleaning house for the rest of my life . Let us see now , clean ones proverbial house before socks take over , get rid of the old beliefs and traditions that are holding us back , buy all the same socks or don 't be bothered by mis - matched leggings . . . did I get them all ? Maybe there 's another one or two there . You decide . Hey Handsomes and Prittys . I wrote the essay with the above title , posted it and went on my merry . I removed it because I needed to re - think it due to some rather painful but true - as - heck feedback . I just posted the version I should have written the first time . Maybe I may add a photo of me and we 'll all target practice . ( And there it is ! Gosh , I 'm good ! ) A question for you readers . Are you OK with me not knowing stuff ? To keep this blog moving , do I have to know ? If that is the case , then , as a good friend pointed out to me , I may be done here . I really want to create a space for people who are making decisions in their life to be able to read and think and discuss and maybe to go to the lord in prayer . For some reason my wonderful blog to help people is turning into a soapbox or a reloading dock or worse . That 's not what I wanted it to be . I spent an hour arguing with a guy on line last night about whether the term " SSA " was valid or not . WTFF ? ( Where 's The Freakin ' Faith ? ) It was like bad Benny Hill . Is that what I 'm here for ? Is that what I have created ? I make a rather lousy keystone cop . ( Ah , come on ? You haven 't seen Benny Hill ? ) Anyway , read the new and improved version if you please . And forgive me too , please . I love my priesthood . My priesthood . How silly to say , cause it ain 't mine . I get to hold it . I get to use it . I get to be in cahoots with someone much better that I am . It 's the Lords . He shares . I don 't know if I would be so generous if he were me . Quaint , huh ? The archaic thought that I can hold something that is part of God . Not a very popular notion these days . In fact , with " God is love and everywhere and nowhere " being a metaphysical part of Gods work is a concept that is out of style , out of date , and out an audience . Even the most conservative of the conservatives have evolved to a " All you need is love . . . da , da da , da da . . . " belief that has evolved into an " all there is is love " belief that means everything and nothing to most people who seem to want less and less responsibility . Treating everyone with kindness and love is a huge part of what it means to follow the Lord . In fact , the New Testament is all about His higher law : Love . His Sacrifice . Repentance , Forgiveness . These are not passive things . And there is more . The priesthood could be considered several categories away form popular cultures beliefs of how God operates . On the Wheel of Fortune scale , there is about seven spaces between " God is love " and " Gods Priesthood power " . In between are " Bankrupt " , " You lose " , " Be nice to others " , " Pay taxes " and a few that are less or more intelligent . " Love is good , and good is God is all and nothing " is a little hare for Vanna to spell . Priesthood is power . Priesthood is responsibility . Priesthood is God on earth . No one can transgress the laws of chastity and expect to find peace unless he sincerely repents of the sin . The Book of Mormon tells us that the Holy Ghost will not dwell in unclean tabernacles . And if we lose the power of the Holy Ghost , it is impossible for us to use the priesthood authority bestowed on us . But I want to use the priesthood ! I want to wear the clothing that reminds me of the commitments I have made . I want to be spiritually connected to something bPosted by Why do our genitals seem to run , and become the very focus of , our life ? Look out and up , Men ! Sex is a part of a very full life . What are the other parts ? And how are you living them ? And if you don 't have other parts , I think you should get some ! Posted by As a writer , I try to embrace some popular stereotypes to use as quick and humorous literary devices and I use them often - like a good malapropism ( are you a Jew or a Genital ? ) or a word that begins in k , like Kazakhstan . Or anything from Northern Arizona . In doing so , I accept the un - PC nature and the consequences inherent in there use . In short , stereotypes can be quick , to the point , and make people laugh . I also , picture this , piss people off ( my second least favorite " P " word ) . Just because I am okay with a well placed humorous stereotype does not mean that everyone else it so enjoys . ( funny sentence ) Examples : A man eating pant - suit wearing Hillary . It might anger , but you get it quickly . Tighter than my mother in law at a yard sale . My wife may not laugh . Flannel wearing gun toting bubba . Not so funny to my dad 's best friend , Bubba . Here 's a new one . The gay promiscuous Peter priesthood . Here - to known as the PPP Ouch ! Been there , done everybody . Now , I feel like I can use this stereotype because I have been one in the past - like I can use Arizona stereotypes cause I 'm from there , or BYU jokes cause I am a Zoobie . I know " us " from the inside out . There was a time when I was as promiscuous as . . . a really promiscuous dude . I learned it at the Y , perfected it out in the world , and before I contacted AIDS or had my wanger fall off , I stopped . I made another choice . Currently I am a homosexual Mormon man , but I do not live a gay lifestyle . This for me means that I have sex with my wife when we have it , and no one else . I do not pretend that all is well in Zion by day and rule Babylon at night . Please understand , newbies , that there are those who do this still . Wrong . Wrong . Wrong in so many ways . It was wrong when I did it , and it is still wrong . I understand the feelings that lead a guy to do this , but it is wrong . So what does a homosexual Mormon guy do ? You can 't find the right guy and marry him and then enjoy a full sex life . Mormon men don 't marry men . One can 't hold the priesthood and marry another man . AnPosted by Just keep swimming , just keep swimming , just keep swimming , What do we do ? We swim ! Ah , Ah Ah Ah , Ah Ah Ah , Ah Ahhh . . . My name is Cal . I have no answers . If I had answers I would be on Oprah . Really . I wouldn 't be shy about coming out and saying to the world " These are the challenges that I face every day of my life " . But I don 't have a second home in Montana , or a lot of money , and if I came out and told everyone what I deal with I wouldn 't trust the world at large to take it in stride . People are not okay with me being a gay Mormon who expresses an opinion that different from the fray . There is so much controversy , and so much negative mail sent by those brave anonymous users . Makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing . There is no one for me to ask . Most of the friends I have made " on - line " have different opinions - which is why I started the blog to begin with . Now I 'm accused of dealing porn . ( sorry about the Queen Photo . I thought it was funny ) All I know is that I want to be a husband and father . I want to be a good neighbor and friend . And above all these , I want to be worthy to hold the priesthood . I want this more than I want to get laid . I haven 't been able to say this for all my life , but I can now . I am a gay Mormon man and I like who am - what the Lord created . And I am more than just a penis and a pair . And though there are things about me that I would change - like my paycheck - there are things that I wouldn 't . Things I cherish . Like the priesthood . One of the brighter moments in an otherwise brilliantly conceived film - right up there with " The Producers " and " Saturday 's Warrior " . OK , maybe not " Saturdays Warrior " - though I still want to be Tod RichardsI don 't do logic . I mean that I would like to be the guy who could go from A to B to C in an organized way . I tend to go from Nick at Night to the history channel to KBYU willy - nilly . Algebra and Calculus did me in . I went the foreign language route for graduation instead . I 'm not so good at arguing any point to a logical conclusion . I have kids - nuf said . Most of the time I try to get as much information as I can and then make a decision based on my guts - and whatever I ate that day . Most people say that you can 't be a gay man and a Mormon . I can 't argue with them . All I can say is that I am both . The next argument is that I can 't be really gay . Oh , Honey . I would like to see this gay - o - meter they judge me by . I would be right up there with Ms . Garland , Bree and swarovski crystals . It sounds logical , if you do the logic thing , that if you are gay then what you profess to believe concerning Mormonism can 't possibly be true , that if I accept myself as gay then I have to accept that what the Mormon Prophet teaches is wrong . That I am Gay and Mormon is not an unfathomable conundrum . Nor is it an oxymoron ( or oxymormon ) The LDS church is true . It 's teachings are correct . Also , I am Gay . The two are not mutually exclusive . I remember watching Monti Python 's Search for the Holy Grail . As a gay man , I know the musical version of it inside - out as it was " lovingly ripped off " from the movie . Toward the beginning there is a group of townsfolk who have captured an elusive witch , who is being blamed for societies ills . To prove that this poor girl , with a carrot tied onto her face to elongate her nose , is indeed a witch and not just the bakers wife from next door , there is used some dubious - at best - logic . Is she a witch ? " YES " the smelly townsfolk scream . How do you know ? " Because she turned me into a neut " . The crowd stares Posted by I don 't have brothers , I have cousins . Here they are with the best Northern Arizona has to offer . Who says you can 't get a decent date in a small town ? This is a picture of my couch . Couch happens to me sometimes - as in sleeping on the - much like an episode of Bewitched , only Endora isn 't floating in the corner of the room out to get me . It doesn 't happen to me often enough that I have a " me " indentation in the living room sofa , but I am thinking about painting the living room ceiling with stars or something calming for those stressful days . It 's early in the am my kids want to watch TV cartoons . They ask me if it 's OK . They wake me up to ask me if its OK . I say yes . Do I have a choice ? " No , honey , Daddy was up arguing with mommy about why she isn 't enough woman to satisfy her man . Now let daddy sleep . " So I say sure , honey . Watch cartoons . See how life is from watching Scooby Doo . The bad guys get it in the end and the good guys never want to . Get it in the end , I mean . I hate arguing with my wife about me being gay . Most of the time we just ignore it . But I am having a hell of a time getting it up these days . I try to be a loving husband and do all the things a loving husband does , and for the most part I do OK . I am a decent provider , I am more kind than I am unkind , I treat the kids well , I clean and do laundry and do dishes and landscape the yard and paint and sweep the floors and do things with the family and with her . Somehow , my being gay is an assault to her ego . It hurts me when she takes the responsibility for me being gay personally . As if , somehow , she is not enough . How do I tell her that she is enough ? It 's just that I am attracted to men . It wasn 't something I choose , but I live with it daily . So does she . I tell her that I truly believe that my spirit is not gay , but my body is . When I tell her that , there is something inside of me that tells me it is true . I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice . We did walk into this marriage with eyes wide open . She has issues also . Completely different issues . I was willing to take hers on , and she was willing to take on mine because I loved her and she loved me . We forget that sometimes . But can aPosted by What do ya ' think ? Too much for Relief Society ? I am a gay Mormon . I boldly state this here in blog - land , obnoxiously so at times , so that you know that I know a little about what I write . I truly do not define myself by " Homosexual " uniquely as my defining characteristic . I don 't wish to limit myself that way . Do straight men define themselves by sexual preference " ? " Hi , I 'm Barry , and I like women . " When you ask a straight man what he likes to do , do you get a description of what he does in the bedroom ? No - as a rule . Though I must admit that I met a guy last Wednesday that fit this bill and he could not talk about anything else . Different story . I , however , am a creative , accountable , loving man . I am also gay . I 've also been called a bigot , old fashioned and a poor speller . Two of those accusations have substance . I 'm not sure about the other . I truly hope not . To be frank with you , I don 't feel that I am a bigot . If I go into an ice cream parlor , I tend to get vanilla cause it 's what I know . I am willing to look at that with an open mind . I 'm gay , after all . And I 'm not just a pretend at gay to give myself a way to be different . Or to get an audience for my blog . I am real musical - theater loving , semi - articulate speaking , Designing Women following , general stereotyping , sex with men having gay . Though I feel that my friends who have come out to their family and friends & are living as openly gay are bold and daring , in this day of neo - liberalism it is just as bold to come out for the right , and by right , I mean right - wing . ( I 'm not so arrogant to think that I am always correct . Ok , a little ) . If I am not of the norm , then do I need to be accepting of others who are not of the norm ? Maybe the Lord gave me exactly what he thought I needed to be a better man . Posted by I 'm the one on the left in the long shorts . Some guy touched my butt today . I really should explain , though I am contemplating leaving that statement just as - is for a bit of mystery . Playing basketball at the church has been something I haven 't done since we made differentiation between teams with shirt - vs - skins . Being that I was a bean pole and I didn 't have a chest or anything on it , I always had something else to do when the guys got together at young men 's . I stopped playing sports as a deacon which wasn 't a very long career because I had just started as a deacon the week before . Never did I play team sports again with one brief exception of a half a season of boys volleyball until the unfortunate erection episode of ' 85 . You may have heard about it . So , playing ball , or even wanting to play ball anywhere is difficult for me . Today my home teacher , Matt , who is in the elders quorum presidency , called me frantically to tell me that there were only four men from the team at the stake center ready to play , and that if there wasn 't someone else in five minutes that they ( We ) would have to forfeit . " So , forfeit " , I say . Who needs the stress ? If you show up to play the outcome of the game is still in question . If you forfeit , then it 's done and over with sooner with no tension at all . However , he pulled a quilt trip on me , which is like a guilt trip only more strings attached , and guess where I was in five minutes - with shorts and shoes and three layers of tee shirts so that if I had to take one of them off there would still be two to cover what has filled out to be enough chest for three of younger - deacon - me . Now , the thing is , I can 't play basketball . I am tall , yes , and I watch a lot of B - ball on TV with my boys , but I don 't play . I just pass the ball . If I just need someone to pass the thing around , then I am your man . Or cheer lead , yes , I 'll be there with the manliest pom poms around . Or to stand there in shorts . I can still do that . But " dribbling " is something I usually have to clean up at home . If I really havcal thompson I truly do not wish to be disrespectful , but this rendering answers several questions for me that I felt were important enough to share with you . 1 : The Word of Wisdom must be an astonishing kind of thing that I , for one , will be happy to continue to follow . 2 : Speedos can most assuredly be a fashion yes for the 30 's crowd . 3 : With abs like that , the answer to the question asked of every modern man in this case was definitely " Briefs " . 4 : Refer to # 1 , and then read your scriptures . I don 't have to tell you that there are people within the Mormon church ( and without I suppose ) that are freaked out but the phrase " Gay Mormon Man " . It is a little freaky . Try it for yourself . It will be like the worlds most fruity science fair experiment . Stand in the corner of the relief society room as they are setting up for Sunday school and pretend to be in conversation with someone . Both of you laugh as if something funny was said and as laughter is dying down , one of you mutter loudly " A Gay Mormon Man ? " , or better yet , " He is Gay ? " . It will be like hyenas saying " Mufassa " in the elephant grave yard . ( See how I play to the stereotypes of musical theatre - loving , semi - intelligent gays for comic effect so you will keep reading ? ) Be prepared for a silence worthy of a closet in the temple . There will be stares to rival anything on Housewives of Orange County . There will be weapons drawn , and by weapons , I mean scriptures . Someone may ask to see your recommend . You may loose your cushioned seat in Sacrament meeting . There may be hot glue spilled ! There is much stigma attached to The GMM that is not seen with , say , an alcoholic Elders Quorum President , or kleptomanical ward clerk , or an ex - con hymnal picker - upper . We in the church have a degree of sympathy for the scout leader who cheats on his taxes . But a priesthood guy that wants to touch some dudes butt ? Nope . Not gonna happen . Yes , we have come a long way as a society , and a culture , and as a church . I am seeing much more tolerance for people and their ways than I ever saw growing up - not that my experiences are the standard for Mormon Acceptance of Others . But from what I hear at General Conference , I truly believe that we , the Mormon People , are growing more realistic . The Relief Society president may have a son in jail . Mine did . The bishop 's daughter may be hanging out with a bad crowd and have one too many pierced earrings . It is , I think , becoming acceptable to not be perfect . Now , there are those that are upset at my comparing Homosexuality to alcoholismPosted by I am getting ready to teach a lesson in my Quorum ( group of Mormon men ) on the qualities of a priesthood holder . " Priesthood " is what Mormons call the power to act in the name of god . We believe that this power was given to ancient prophets Peter , James and John who received it from Jesus Christ himself . These men gave the power under his direction to Joseph Smith who gave it to worthy members of the LDS church . I received it from my dad , who received it from Spencer W Kimbell , who received it from Heber J Grant , from Brigham Young , from Joseph Smith . It is something we take very seriously . It is something I take seriously . There is a classic example of how Jesus Christ would have priesthood holders minister to those who are in need . When Peter and John , as was recorded in the book of the Acts of the Apostles of the New Testament , approached a man who had never walked and who was at the gates of the temple , instead of giving him money , the apostle Peter said to him , " Silver and gold have I none ; but such as I have give I thee : In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk . " ( Acts 3 : 6 . ) He didn 't just give him stuff or drop a dime into his cup - though there is nothing wrong with helping a dude out - don 't get me wrong . Peter used the priesthood power which had been given to him to use in the name of Jesus Christ . Then , Peter took the beggar by the right hand and lifted him up . ( Acts 3 : 7 . ) Remember that it wasn 't enough for Peter to command him to walk . Peter took him by the hand and lifted him up . As priesthood holders we are to , like the apostle Peter , take those in need by the arm , encourage them , and give them a sense of security and respect for themselves until they can rise above their challenges to stand on their own feet . The power to act in the name of god , and revelation from god are two of the most important differences between what Mormons believe and what other Christians believe . Well . There was part of the little sermonette for class . Sorry . Anyway , I am preparing for my lesson by cross - referPosted by I am looking at creating a few new year resolutions today . I am trying to approach new year goals with a serious resolve I usually reserve for the scriptures , my CD collection , or desert . Don 't laugh . Desert is a serious subject for those who do not drink , smoke , steal or have sex outside of marriage . A lot of people I know tell me they don 't believe in making resolutions for the new year . They believe that they are just setting themselves up for failure by setting a goal that is unobtainable , or one they know they aren 't going to keep anyway . Why set a goal you don 't think you can reach ? I always think I can reach these goals . That is my charm and my downfall . If I really am serious about a goal , then dang it , I 'm gonna get it done ! It 's my resolve that I question - not my ability . I believe , due to my exhaustive experience in goal - failing , that success is is really based on attitude . If you , after three days of going without a Diet Coke have a complete and total meltdown and inhale a caffeinated beverage at breakneck speed suffering whiplash in the process , then yes , you screwed up . You recommit to the goal or make a new one . You don 't just give up ! You don 't just say screw it , I can never give up caffeine , so why even try . How about a goal to loose weight . I would love to loose ten pounds this year . Actually I would like to loose ten pounds this week . So I do well for several days and then , Whammo ! I eat an entire Marie Calenders chocolate silk pie with pecan crust . Is it over for me ? No freakin way ! I will chase it down with a large caffeinated beverage of my choice and try it again tomorrow ! Trying to be moral has been like this for me . Hoard a pie and then a week diet - a really funky cycle that I had to break . Fortunately , the cycle has been broken up to a huge degree for me . I still face challenges , but I have had some huge successes also . Thank God , literally , for successes that keep us in the game . Remember that failure is never final and caffeine is forever . Keep trying . That is the point that I am not makinPosted by OK , yes it is . But it is also a Mormon blog and a blog for priesthood men who honor their priesthood and wish to keep the LDS church an active part of their lives . I am all three . . . four . Five ? I am an active MarMoHo , a married Mormon homosexual . I have a temple recommend that I received honestly . I support the LDS church and the words of a living prophet . I support people who are gay . It can be done . Please forgive me if there is an ad in the space below is inappropriate . I am trying to figure out how to block the ads I don 't wish to display . They pay for the ice in my Diet Coke Please be aware of sites on the blog - o - sphere that claim to be sympathetic to the teachings of the prophets . Some very well may be . Others are simple journal entries annotating the experiences of an individual with various degrees of success and or promiscuity . Not all can be as wonderful as mine . I hate to sound like the church lady , but chose your blogs and your friends wisely . And eat your vegetables . I write under the name of Calvin Thompson . I am a creative , accountable , and loving man . I am a Mormon who is also gay . I am married and have 3 children . My bishop is in - the - know , and so is my wife and several of my close family members . I consider myself to be a closet conservative , which is not as strange or as un - popular as you might think , and will be increasingly popular as a growing number of the left improves it 's proverbial and literal aim . I believe that LDS people are Democrats in action - as in they try to take care of people , but Republicans in name - they want to do it themselves without regulation . " Chastity is sexual purity . Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts , words , and actions . Chasitity means not having any sexual relations before marriage . It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage . " * This was in my drafts folder . Written a few years ago . Don 't know why I didn 't post it then , but here it is now . I think I 'm ready to tell this story . # 2 . . . I order to better understand one another , I think it would be wise to understand the terms used in these essays . What I propose is an Examination for Discovery , which is briefly a meeting of the opposing sides in a lawsuit where the plaintiff and defendant , with their attorneys , meet to examine each others claims and see whether they can find some area of agreement and thus save the time of the court later on . This is assuming that there is common ground , and I believe that even the most cynical of us would agree that there is . It will be hard to understand one another if you think blue is periwinkle and I think blue is turquoise . I know that the differences may not be a big deal - between periwinkle and turquoise - but I think its best to be incredibly clear . We both may disagree on what blue is , but , for purposes of communication , we will use the terms as listed here - adding when needed . Of coarse they may be subject to change and / or refinement with experience and further knowledge - and with feedback . Being that this is a blog and not a diatribe , I get to lead I suppose . List of Common Terms On Which We May Agreeor Agree To Agree On For Sake of Discussion * For sensitivity reasons we wanted to run this list past my Gramma Ruby , which would have been really helpful not to mention miraculous because she died at an Elizabeth Dole Rally in Boise ) Active : 1 ) A lifestyle characterized by frequent or various social , intellectual , and particularly physical activities ; 2 ) In geology , a volcano which erupts regularly ; 3 ) A member of the LDS Church who is often seen carrying brownies , scriptures or children back and forth to Church . Affirmation : 1 ) A positive assertion . 2 ) An organization for LDS homosexuals and the people that love them , but not affiliated or supported by the LDS Church . Sentence : Falling off of the stage was the affirmation she needed to confirm the universality of gravity . Acronyms : SGA , SGB , SGI SGA : Same Gender ( sexual ) Attraction SGB : Same Gender ( sexual ) Behavior SGI : Same Gender ( gay ) IdentityOGA , OGB , Preference , not Principal This is a blog for Mormon SSA * men who wish to follow the teachings of the LDS church while owning their Homosexuality . It can be done ! This blog - spot is written by a sort - of smart gay man who is a card - carrying member of the LDS church and hopes to remain so . He will remain so by following the teachings of the prophets . His motto for today is " Many a true word spoken in jest , " and he will try to not be so charming . Mr . Thompson thinks he knows just about everything . Lately , it has been proposed that he may , in actuality , not . He is trying to be open to that thought .

Of the four books and films , this is the darkest , as it 's the first time we see someone innocent killed in present time . In Goblet of Fire Harry returns to school to discover the Triwizard Tournament is being held , and somehow finds himself named as a competitor . Surviving two challenges he heads into the third , which he thinks he wins with Cedric Diggory . Turns out it 's all an elaborate plan to bring Voldemort back . Cedric is killed , Voldemort returns to a human body , Harry faces off with him , and the world will never be the same again for the children of Hogwarts . The final scenes , from Harry going into the maze in the final task , to the end of the film are brilliantly done . While not quite as they were in my imagination , I feel all the elements really come together . The maze is sufficiently creepy , and that moment where Cedric and Harry decide to lift the cup together for a Hogwarts ' win are really moving . And then to the graveyard and Voldemort - the finest scenes done in the Harry Potter films up until now . Ralph Fiennes is amazing as Voldemort , all harsh lines , snake voiced and just generally embodying the role of bad guy without for a moment slipping into farce . He 's the perfect Voldemort . Also perfect in Brendan Gleeson as Mad - Eye Moody . He 's just as I imagined him in the book - scarred and looking exactly like he 's spent a lifetime battling dark foes . In the books there are few signs that Moody is actually Barty Crouch Jr , in fact , I think that twist crept up on me without me guessing until the final page or so before the reveal . In the film though , Gleeson plays Moody with a slight hint of sinister , giving enough of a wink to those who have read the book and know his real identity , and planting enough of a seed of doubt in the minds of those who haven 't . And of course , David Tennant is fabulous as Barty Crouch Jr , erasing all our memories of him as the kindly Doctor Who with his portrayal of the creepy , spoilt Barty . The young actors in Harry Potter really grew in this film , and for the first time I felt like they were truly acting . Particular praise must go to Matthew Lewis , who just is Neville Longbottom ; to James and Oliver Phelps as the Weasley twins , who bring a slice of comedy to the screen whenever they appear ; and to Clemence Poesy , who made me like Fleur Delacour . The Prince of Winterfell recap / review Well , after weeks of waiting Game of Thrones exploded with a bang ( literally ) as it turned into a fully fledged war film , leaving all trace of innocence and frivolous things behind . While this episode , Blackwater , did my least favourite film and television trick of having scenes in the dark , it really worked , right up until the final moment . The Lannisters Everything the Lannisters have been dreading ( even if they didn 't know it ) came to fruition this week - the walls of King 's Landing were breached , one of their most loyal soldiers turned his back on them , thousands of men were killed , and the best of the Lannisters was badly injured ( okay , maybe it was just us dreading that last one , and not so much Cersei and Tywin ) . Game of Thrones is all about shades of grey , and no one is all good or all bad . That said , the Lannisters are arguably on the wrong side of this fight ( as is Stannis ) and Robb Stark is on the right side . It 's a testament to how great a character Tyrion is that despite all the terrible behaviour exhibited by the Lannisters , we still root for them ( him ) . We saw all sides to Tyrion this week , starting with the scared and loving Tyrion who had to try and say goodbye to Shae . Piece by piece that Tyrion disappeared - literally , as he was covered by his armour . And although he showed a moment of weakness when he saw Sansa and Shae , putting on his armour was the start of truly battle worthy Tyrion . Still , it wasn 't enough to keep him from being hurt , and right now Tyrion is lying on the battlefield , bloody and bruised and on the verge of death . Will he survive ? I hope so . Even though Cersei was hiding out with the womenfolk during the battle , she was at the centre of the pivotal final scenes . Her story about the young lion cub scared of the bears and wolves in the forest was a beautifully told allegory for the battle raging across the Seven Kingdoms . But although her story ends with the lion cub triumphant , it 's clear Cersei isn 't talking about triumph in battle , she 's talking about triumph in death . Her words were a beautiful soundtrack and contrast to the battle scenes raging outside , as a group of men on horseback ride to the rescue of the Lannisters at King 's Landing . And those final moments , as Cersei lifts the bottle to Tommen 's lips and the doors burst open to show Tywin proclaiming the battle is won while slow - mo scenes of Stannis realising he 's lost play out are a brilliant climax to a fantastic episode . The Starks Sansa was representing for the Starks this week , and she did her family proud . From last season when she was one of Game of Thrones most annoying characters , she 's turned into a strong woman . The scene between Sansa and the Hound was , like the scene with Cersei telling the story of the lion cub , filled with wonderful contrasts . The Hound and Sansa are polar opposites - in looks , personality and life experience - but they seem to have a strange bond . It 's strong enough that the Hound offers to rescue Sansa , and that Sansa can tell the Hound he won 't hurt her , and he agrees . It didn 't start well , with much of his fleet being destroyed by the wildfire . But Stannis has revenge in mind , not just against the Lannisters - Stannis also has years of pent up tension and anger against his dead brother which he needs to release . And because of that , instead of dwelling on the destruction of his fleet Stannis forges ahead with a plan to get into King 's Landing . Game of Thrones was back to doing its season one favourite - playing important scenes out with a naked prostitute in the foreground for no good reason . This week it was a prostitute undressed by Bronn just before battle , as he and the Hound faced off . Still , it was the only real nudity this episode . This was a brilliant episode , and beautifully played out . It was an episode that really worked on contrasts , the best of which was the wildfire blowing up Stannis 's fleet of ships . From a distance the ships looked like they were home to a gorgeous firework display , up close they were the scene for hundreds of murders . My only worry is that Blackwater is the penultimate episode , and it was so , so good . Can the season finale possibly be better ? And if it is , just how good is it going to be ? Here 's the down low on Stephanie - she lives in New Jersey . Her husband cheated on her with her worst enemy and she 's now divorced , living in a flat with her hamster Rex . She works for her cousin Vinnie as a bounty hunter , tracking down people who haven 't answered their bail . Her best friend is Lula , a former prostitute who brings a new meaning to plus size and enjoys squeezing her frame into tight lycra . She hates guns , her cars are always getting destroyed , her grandmother is crazy and her mum wants her to settle down and get a proper job . I am so disappointed . I have stuck by Glee through the good times , the bad times and the very , very bad times ( and there have been quite a few of the latter ) . I 've looked at it kindly through rushed storylines , bad characterisations and dodgy songs . I 've tried to see the positive when fandom has been focusing on the negative ( and I 've wanted to join it ) . But the time has come for me to say that I 'm disappointed in Glee . And worse than that , not only was Kurt rejected from NYADA , we also didn 't see much reaction from him about it , unless you count the few seconds before Rachel opened her letter . We have no clue as to where Kurt 's going , what he 'll do , what his back up plan is , how he feels . There are cliffhangers , and then there are just large holes in plot where it 's clear no one behind the scenes has thought about a character . ( For the missing scene that should have been in Goodbye , see a talented fan 's version here . ) By contrast , it seemed like Glee was determined to get Rachel to succeed , even though she messed up her original NYADA audition . She choked , and yes , she 's talented but you don 't get a second chance at things like that . Glee went from being an ensemble show with some leading characters to being all about Rachel ( and Finn to an extent ) in just a couple of scenes . As soon as Rachel 's NYADA acceptance was revealed , Glee seemed to forget all its other characters . We didn 't get to say goodbye to them . Instead , we got to watch them say goodbye to Rachel like she was the only person we 've cared about for three seasons . And we said hello to Rachel as she stepped into a new world . There was no closure . Rachel will get a brand new start next season . Not only is she in a new city , at a new school , but she 's also not with Finn anymore . I have no doubt he 'll still be around next season , but the dynamic will be different . This episode Finn really stepped up . As much as I hated the Rachel focus , if it had been balanced out with the other characters , I would have loved the scene between her and Finn . It would have been moving if I hadn 't been seething over Kurt not getting into NYADA , but I did still manage to be impressed by Finn 's stepping aside . I 'm not sure how I feel about his decision to join the army , but I guess we 'll see how that works out next season . Ooh , actually , I do have a bit of a moan about Finn . What was up with the non - graduating glee clubbers deciding they needed to dedicate their song mostly to Finn . Artie said to him : " Even before glee club was kind of cool , you had our backs . You were on the football team , you were one of the most popular kids in school , you had a lot to lose . People forget the sacrifices you made . We wanted to thank you . WHAT ? From what I remember , Finn might not have thrown anyone in a dumpster , but he certainly stood by and watched it happen . He might have let Kurt take his jacket off , but he still gave the command for the rest of the team to go ahead and throw Kurt in . From what I remember , Finn was the one who had the biggest struggle choosing between glee club and the football team , and choosing to defend Kurt or just stand by and watch him suffer . So when exactly did Finn have the glee club 's backs ? We got a little bit of closure with some of the other characters . Santana 's storyline was well rounded out , mostly . As much as I find Brittana sweet , I do think Brittany has been holding Santana back . Yes , they love each other , but they 're not equals in their relationship ( for a great analysis of Brittana , see what Tumblr 's Zavocado said here ) . So sad as it was that Brittany wasn 't graduating , I 'm looking forward to hopefully seeing Santana really make a go of it in New York . It was also lovely to see Santana 's relationship with her mother ( played by Gloria Estefan ) and the acknowledgement of that scene months ago where Santana 's grandmother rejected her for her sexuality and that hasn 't been mentioned since . Mercedes saw some success , and is heading to LA to be a backing singer . She deserves it , but her fate post - McKinley just seemed to be thrown in because the writers had to do something with her , not because they wanted to . Mike , going to dance school in Chicago , suffered similarly at the hands of Glee 's writers . Puck passed his geography exam with the help of his classmates , especially Quinn ( who had a really sweet scene with Sue Sylvester ) . The two had a really strange scene where they kissed . Excuse me , isn 't that Quinn cheating on Joe ? I know they 're seeing where things are going , but still , kissing your ex is a surefire way to throw a spanner in the works with a potential boyfriend . And also , isn 't cheating what led to Quinn getting pregnant ? And then to her getting Finn back , then losing Finn , then turning into a goth and getting all crazy about the baby she gave up for adoption ? When has cheating ever resulted in anything good for Quinn ? I 'm just so disappointed that Glee didn 't give me , us , the respect we deserve . We 've stood behind Glee because it 's a programme about so many different kinds of people , but in the end it didn 't respect us because it made Goodbye all about one character . Anything that came earlier in the episode was negated by the big Rachel goodbye . Rachel got to move on while all the other characters we love stayed exactly where they were , and we stayed with them . The music I enjoyed You Get What You Give and thought it worked well as a handover number from the graduating New Directions to the non - graduating ones . I particularly liked the set up , and the way it ended with those not graduating standing and facing their predecessors . In My Life was good , but may have been more appropriate for the graduating seniors to sing . What I liked best about the group numbers was that they were group numbers , no one really took prominence , everyone worked together . Forever Young was typically Will Schuester - a bit bland - and Glory Days was typically Puck and Finn - rocky and fun . What Glee did well Like last week , I need to calm down and rewatch this episode to find something truly amazing . Unlike Nationals , where I have to rewatch because I loved so much about it , this week I need to rewatch to find something outstanding because I 'm still filled with disappointment at how Goodbye ended . Next week Is anyone else getting a bit bored of Cersei ? She 's still a great character but she seems to be stuck in a rut - focusing on how Tyrion married off her younger daughter . She 's been going on about this for weeks now , too selfish to see that it 's actually for Myrcella 's good . Cersei is also still defending Joffrey , despite admitting last week that he 's the Meanest Character on Television ™ ( okay , she just admitted he 's unlovable to anyone but his mother ) . This week she 's saying he 's not old enough to go into battle . When Tyrion counters by reminding her that Jaime was fighting wars at 17 , Cersei pulls out her trump card in revenge . She 's found Tyrion 's secret girlfriend , and is holding her captive and having her beaten . She knows love is Tyrion 's weak spot , judging by his history of marrying a woman who it turned out was only paid to sleep with him . Luckily for Tyrion , the woman Cersei is holding is not Shae , it 's some other poor prostitute , who plays the role of Tyrion 's girlfriend , reminding him that he owes her . While worrying about Shae , Tyrion also has the bigger problem of Stannis Baratheon 's fleet coming ever closer . He reads some books to try and get some battle tips , prompting a humourous scene involving Tyrion and Bronn . These two need to be in their own buddy film ( if you don 't know what that looks like , watch this fan - made trailer ) . Still , the most important Tyrion scenes this episode involve Varys , who 's back after a few weeks ' absence . He provides a good sounding board for Tyrion , and also gives his own input on keeping Stannis out of the city . But his most important input is when he reveals his spies ( they stretch far and wide ) have found out Danaerys Targaryen is in Qarth , and that she has dragons . Tyrion dismisses it as rumour - he 'll soon wish he hadn 't . Ooh , so when we left Catelyn Stark last week it looked like she was about to slice Jaime Lannister 's head off . But no , she did worse than that - she freed Jaime . While her son , the King in the North , was away . Without his permission . Betrayal . It 's a sign of how desperate Catelyn is . Just a few episodes ago she would never have thought to go against her son , never have been naive enough to think her favour would be returned by the Lannisters . But since then Catelyn has learnt her two sons are being held captive ( she thinks ) at Winterfell , the body of her dead husband has been returned to her , and Littlefinger has whispered deceitful words into her ear . His woes are growing by the day . He 's now lost his most previous pawn , and unbeknownst to him , Tywin Lannister is marching towards him . As if that wasn 't enough , he 's growing ever closer to Talisa , until finally the dam breaks and the two confess that neither of them want Robb to marry " the Frey girl " . The scene between Robb and Talisa is sweet and the second romantic scene of the episode , and it 's also full of subtext . Their move round the tent is a dance of sorts , even though they 're both as far from a ball as one can get . Robb 's flirting is really cute , and he 's fast catching up to Jon Snow as the loveliest male in Westeros for me . We find out a bit more about Talisa ( privileged girl who learnt there 's more to the world and wanted to do good ) , and Robb finds a real confidant . And it all ends in a passionate embrace on the floor of Robb 's tent . Meanwhile , Arya is panicking because Tywin Lannister has decided to march towards Robb 's army in the dead of night . She runs to find Jaqen H ' gar to give him Tywin 's name as her third kill , but he 's nowhere to be found . When she does track him down , it 's too late and Jaqen can 't promise her that Tywin will be killed as fast as Arya needs him to be . Nearly all the major characters on Games of Thrones have confidants who are below them in stature ( Tyrion and Bronn , Robb and Talisa , Tywin and Arya ) , and Stannis has Davos . The latter is a self - made man of sorts , and I get the impression Stannis is deeply jealous of him . After all , Davos may have been punished for being a smuggler , but he 's always done things on his own terms , been honourable and not given in to anyone else . Unlike Stannis , who spent his years living in the shadow of Robert Baratheon , and doing exactly what he was told to do . Stannis may be the rightful heir of King 's Landing - until Robert 's true son returns - but I don 't think Stannis is trying to win the throne because it 's the right thing to do . He 's doing it as a form of revenge for all those years he spent doing what other people told him to do , and to get back at Robert for betraying him and giving Renly what he believed belonged to him . More wandering in the snow this week for Jon , only now he 's the prisoner . Ygritte takes him back to her gang of wildlings , who almost kill him before Ygritte reveals he 's the bastard son of Ned Stark , thereby saving his life . As she reminds him , the two are even now . It turns out the wildlings have also captured Qhorin Halfhand , as he and his men set off to find Jon when he didn 't return after he was meant to kill Ygritte . Halfhand comes up with a plan to get the wildlings to like Jon by pretending he thinks Jon is a traitor . The hope is Jon can infiltrate the wildlings and take them down from the outside . Meanwhile , elsewhere beyond the Wall Sam and two of the other men from the Night 's Watch are digging holes in the snow when they come across a stone chest bearing the markings of the First Men . Inside the chest is a Night 's Watch cloak and knives made of obsidian . It 's not clear what the significance of the discovery is , but by the look on Sam 's face , it 's clear it is significant . Theon Greyjoy is still straddling the line between conqueror and selfish idiot . This week , his sister comes to visit , and while the two squabble as always , she does give him some wise words - he should leave Winterfell before he dies there . It 's advice Theon would do well to heed , but his ego gets in the way . Surprisingly , Theon then shows us his more tender side , respectively speaking . He wants money taken to the farm where he found Bran and Rickon , but is told that would be a bad idea . Money is no way to silence someone , his loyal servant tells him , implying that killing is . So who is the Prince of Winterfell the title of this episode talks about ? Is it Theon , who now rules there ? Obvious , but unlikely . I think it 's more likely the title refers to Bran , who is learning tough lessons as every day goes by . Robb tells Talisa this week that kings spend their lives being brought up as princes , but that he was only ever brought up to be lord of Winterfell . Bran , on the other hand , is now being brought up as a prince , thrust into circumstances beyond his control . Osha might think he 's still a child , but Bran is becoming more princely , and in direct contrast to Joffrey , seems to realise just how much responsibility he has . After all , people have been executed for him . Even when Peeta is rescued from the Capitol and brought to District 13 , he 's still only seen through the eyes of Katniss . And to Katniss he 's now a threat , having been programmed by the Capitol to want to kill Katniss on sight . Katniss is , understandably , focused on the killing part , but in doing so misses the fact that mostly Peeta is still the sweet , strong Peeta we saw in The Hunger Games and Catching Fire . There are other characters too , that I really wanted to get to know more , but couldn 't because Katniss has limited interactions with them . Primarily , I wanted to spend more time with Finnick and Johanna . Although Katniss befriends them both , it 's difficult to understand just how much pain they 're in when it 's only Katniss describing it , rather than us seeing it directly . Mockingjay is not as action packed as the previous two books in The Hunger Games trilogy . For a start , because Katniss is in District 13 there is no direct hunt as there was in The Hunger Games and Catching Fire for a large chunk of the book . It 's only when she goes to the Capitol with her band of followers ( who sadly get killed off one by one ) , that we see Katniss back in an arena of sorts , and the action hots up . Watching Katniss 's group fight for her is inspiring , but also difficult , since most of them are doomed . Seeing some of my favourite characters perish was really tough , and I had to go back and read the scenes where they died over and over again to make sure they really had gone . And seeing how relationships broke down because of everything that happened was also pretty hard . Still , tough as that was , it was much tougher to read the last few chapters of the book . Although the rebels triumph over President Snow and the Capitol , the book hardly has a happy ending . Scene after scene brings more heartache , and even though Katniss and Peeta both survive and grow to love one another , there 's a bittersweet taste to everything . I can 't say I was surprised at the lack of a completely happy ending though . After all , The Hunger Games trilogy is based around the story of children being forced to kill each other , and how can a story like that have a happy ending without completely ignoring everything that came before . Collins does well to make sure that right up until the last page we 're still aware of the horrific circumstances Katniss and Peeta , and numerous others , found themselves in . While Mockingjay may initially seem like a weaker book than The Hunger Games and Catching Fire because of its slow burn and lack of action throughout , it 's actually the one that 's stayed with me the most . Having reread the ending a few times , while there is hope it 's still pretty bleak , and even just thinking about the end brings back that twisty knot in my stomach from when I first read the last few chapters . That 's a sign of a good book . Okay , I 'll admit it , I may be crying a little bit . This episode was really emotional , and it 's not even the end . Who knows what a mess I 'll be after the season finale . Annoying as Rachel can be , she was superb during It 's All Coming Back to Me Now . I couldn 't take my eyes off the screen , Lea Michele has such stage presence and amazing vocals . And Jesse St James 's face during the song was heartwrenching , he knows just how amazing this girl is , and thankfully he told Carmen Tibideaux that . Following New Directions were Vocal Adrenaline , fronted by Unique . Wade had a wobbly moment before going on stage , but Kurt and Mercedes came to the rescue and reminded him that Unique is amazing , and that he / she needed confidence to believe Vocal Adrenaline could succeed . As Kurt and Mercedes left Wade to get ready , he muttered that he might consider transferring schools next term . Could Wade / Unique be heading to McKinley for season four of Glee ? Vocal Adrenaline 's performance was amazing as always . The group is flawless - their vocals were great , and their dance moves were phenomenal . For a moment I wondered how Glee would swing it that New Directions won over Vocal Adrenaline . Then I stopped worrying . The reason New Directions won is because they work as a team , because yes , they may have lead singers , but without the rest of the group it just wouldn 't work . Vocal Adrenaline , fabulous as they were , relied on Wade / Unique , and so while it was right Wade / Unique won MVP , it was also right Vocal Adrenaline didn 't win Nationals . Since we 're talking about winning , let 's mention the judges , specifically Lindsay Lohan . Eh . I didn 't think she was that great , or that funny . Perez Hilton was alright , and the politician was sweet . Overall , not one of the best judging panels Glee has decided on . Still , props to them for voting on New Directions to win . After three seasons of waiting , it was heartwarming to see New Directions triumphant . And to see them treated as winners when they returned to school . All the slow - mo scenes at the end were really sweet . Although , and any Glee fan will bring this up , there was something missing . We got Finchel kissing , we got Tike kissing , we got Brittana kissing , we even got Will and Emma kissing ( and more ) . And yet , somehow , Klaine still managed to stand about 10 feet apart . What is going on ? Did the quota for gay couples who can act like they 're in a relationship get reached for this episode ? It 's a ridiculous situation , since Klaine is the most stable couple on the show , yet we 've only seen them show physical affection towards each other a couple of times . Most of the focus this season has been on the glee clubbers , and anytime Will has been on screen has generally been boring or cheesy . But this episode I loved his involvement when it came to New Directions ( I wasn 't too invested in him and Emma finally sleeping together , sweet as it was with Emma leaving him a pamphlet ) . After all , he 's the reason the glee kids are where they are - doing something they love and being great at it . There were lots of Will moments this episode but the one that stood out for me was right before he went into the rehearsal room just before the kids went on stage . Those silent seconds showed a teacher who loves his students , and wants them to do well . With all the non - teachering Will does , it 's easy to forget he really does care . He might not be able to speak Spanish well , he may miss completely when his students are in trouble , but he does care , and that 's one of the most important things a teacher can do . And caring was why Will won teacher of the year . In a touching moment the kids of New Directions all hugged Will one by one , thanking him for caring . It was a really emotional moment , not least because for me it wasn 't just acting - it was also the cast getting emotional about having to say goodbye to something that 's been their lives for the last few years . And most importantly of all , Tina and Rachel swap bodies , with Tina finally getting to find out what it 's like to be Rachel . Yes , she 's adored and gets all the solos , and Tina enjoys the standing ovation she gets as Rachel . But it also makes Tina realise Rachel puts a lot of pressure on herself . The sequence is hilarious , right up there with Glee 's spoof Christmas special in the Christmas episode . All the actors brilliantly portray their alternative characters - Matt Morrison has Sue 's walk down pat , Dianna Agron shakes her head just the way Sugar does , Chris Colfer has Finn 's mannerisms down . You have to give props to these guys for really knowing the characters they 're portraying , even though they 've spent the last however many months or years being other characters . Seeing her feelings reflected in Puck - and seeing him pull a knife - gave Coach Bieste the strength to leave Cooter , for real this time . And in one of the best moments this series , when Cooter asked Coach Bieste who would love her if she left him , Coach Bieste shouted back : " Me . " Glee is about loving yourself for who you are , and Coach Bieste discovered that in this episode . Puck too , discovered that he 's not worthless when Coach Bieste stood up for him , and arranged for him to take his geography test again . She and his geography teacher were impressed when he put on a dress for glee , showing his commitment to his teammates . All it took was for someone to show Puck he does matter . Alongside the more serious storylines were some lighter moments , although these still hinted at some deeper plots . There was Sue trying to get Kurt to wear a dress so New Directions could compete with Unique and Vocal Adrenaline . It started with an amusing scene with Kurt saying he never wore dresses - cut to Kurt dressed as Snooki for Halloween with Blaine as The Situation . Still , Kurt had a good point - just because he 's gay doesn 't mean he has to wear a dress . It was something he constantly pointed out to Sue as she tried to get him to wear a dress throughout the episode . And although Sue seemed like she was being insensitive on the one hand , on the other hand every time she referred to Wade and Unique she did use both pronouns , showing respect . Rachel showed she was still determined to get into NYADA , and in true Rachel style was calling and leaving message after message for Carmen Tibideaux ( Whoopi Goldberg ) . But in the end Rachel showed why her being annoying is a small price to pay - she has a true passion for performing , and in a moving speech to Carmen she showed that . Now it 's a case of waiting for Carmen to turn up to Nationals . Speaking of which , although the next episode focuses on Nationals , this week 's episode showed the glee club had already chosen their numbers for the competition . This is surprisingly early - usually New Directions waits until the last minute . The music To Cersei , Sansa is everything she was as a young girl - unsure , trapped , naive . So Cersei is determined to bestow upon Sansa the wisdom she has learnt over the years , offering to Sansa some small comfort , although her warnings are all to do with dire things . Cersei warns Sansa that her husband is not the person she will love - that honour will go to her children , no matter how horrible they are . Time hasn 't been good to him , he 's looking dirty and tired but he 's still far from defeated . Jaime is our central man of no honour - he 'll do anything to save himself . Unlike Cersei , who does have a conscience even if it is buried , Jaime has no qualms about his actions and no hesitation in betraying family . While his children and grandchildren are wreaking havoc , Tywin Lannister is still at Harrenhal , bonding with Arya of all people . An attempt has been made to kill him , and Tywin has ordered that everything be done to find the culprit . Once he 's issued his directive he goes back to being kind of Arya - the past few weeks have been full of Tywin disagreeing with one of his men and then turning to Arya for conversation . Tywin seems to be using Arya as some sort of confidant . However , even though he spends more time than I can believe speaking to a " servant " girl , he 's perfectly aware Arya is not who she says she is , picking up that she is higher born than she acts by just a few words in her speech . The Starks With Theon Greyjoy close behind them , Bran and Rickon don 't manage to run for long . This week 's episode dramatically finishes with Theon raising two charred bodies in front of the people of Winterfell . But with the bodies so badly burnt , how do we know they 're who Theon implies they are ? Robb is still flirting with Talisa , even though he 's engaged to someone else . Their flirting is hilarious , as it seems to mostly take place during discussions about amputation , or during amputations themselves . It seems to turn Robb on in some way , so it 'll be interesting to see where this goes ! Catelyn has a tough week , as she first comes to Jaime 's rescue , and then looks like she 's about to kill him when we last see her . She is a woman with honour , the complete opposite of Jaime . Or is she ? Jaime rightly points that she never loved Jon Snow , even though he was just a baby when he came to Winterfell . And when Jaime pushes her , and pushes her , Catelyn 's anger builds , until she asks Brienne to hand her sword over . Will Jaime still be alive the next time we see him ? While we 're with Brienne , she gets one of the most interesting lines this week : " Who wants to die defending a Lannister ? " Who , indeed ? The Baratheons Jorah visits the woman who wears a mask over her face , and has a strange exchange with her , where he promises that he will not betray Dany again . Did I miss something ? Did he betray Dany ? Have we seen the betrayal ? In which case I completely missed it . Or is the masked woman talking about something we haven 't seen , and somehow Jorah was involved in the case of the missing dragons ? Luckily , by the end of the episode , Dany knows where her dragons are . Unluckily , they 're been taken by Xaro Xhoan Daxos and the creepy looking member of the Thirteen who can be in multiple places at once . The two have hatched a plan to take over Qarth , and we see the remaining members of the Thirteen killed before Dany 's eyes . I 'm intrigued as to how Jon will respond to Mance Ryder 's men . Ygritte has challenged his perceptions of them , telling him they are more free than the people on the other side of the wall , that they live their own lives and question the rules imposed on Jon by his people . She also makes him think when she questions why he is fighting them , when he himself has said he is descended from the same people as them . He 's beginning to question everything he thinks he knows . The Greyjoys Not much nudity this week , there 's just one guy we see having a full body tattoo done . There is plenty of talk about sex , as Ygritte teases Jon to the point of exasperation with her crude words and actions . When you play the Game of Thrones . . . At first glance it can also apply to Theon , after all , what man with honour would kill a child ? And Theon killed two . But the look on Theon 's face at the end , as he sees the horrors of what he has done , shows guilt and terror over what he has done . A man without honour is cold and without emotion , and that 's definitely not Theon . In fact , most of his actions up to now have been due to his being too emotional . Theon is a man without sense , he 's cruel , he 's despicable , but until he loses his sense of humanity , is he a man without honour ? His honour , small as it is and even though only he can see it , comes from the fact that he still feels something when he sees those bodies . The 100 - a teen drama full of gorgeous people , carefully crafted settings , a lot of drama , and a good dash of romance ? Well , yes . But some . . .

Of the four books and films , this is the darkest , as it 's the first time we see someone innocent killed in present time . In Goblet of Fire Harry returns to school to discover the Triwizard Tournament is being held , and somehow finds himself named as a competitor . Surviving two challenges he heads into the third , which he thinks he wins with Cedric Diggory . Turns out it 's all an elaborate plan to bring Voldemort back . Cedric is killed , Voldemort returns to a human body , Harry faces off with him , and the world will never be the same again for the children of Hogwarts . The final scenes , from Harry going into the maze in the final task , to the end of the film are brilliantly done . While not quite as they were in my imagination , I feel all the elements really come together . The maze is sufficiently creepy , and that moment where Cedric and Harry decide to lift the cup together for a Hogwarts ' win are really moving . And then to the graveyard and Voldemort - the finest scenes done in the Harry Potter films up until now . Ralph Fiennes is amazing as Voldemort , all harsh lines , snake voiced and just generally embodying the role of bad guy without for a moment slipping into farce . He 's the perfect Voldemort . Also perfect in Brendan Gleeson as Mad - Eye Moody . He 's just as I imagined him in the book - scarred and looking exactly like he 's spent a lifetime battling dark foes . In the books there are few signs that Moody is actually Barty Crouch Jr , in fact , I think that twist crept up on me without me guessing until the final page or so before the reveal . In the film though , Gleeson plays Moody with a slight hint of sinister , giving enough of a wink to those who have read the book and know his real identity , and planting enough of a seed of doubt in the minds of those who haven 't . And of course , David Tennant is fabulous as Barty Crouch Jr , erasing all our memories of him as the kindly Doctor Who with his portrayal of the creepy , spoilt Barty . The young actors in Harry Potter really grew in this film , and for the first time I felt like they were truly acting . Particular praise must go to Matthew Lewis , who just is Neville Longbottom ; to James and Oliver Phelps as the Weasley twins , who bring a slice of comedy to the screen whenever they appear ; and to Clemence Poesy , who made me like Fleur Delacour . The Prince of Winterfell recap / review Well , after weeks of waiting Game of Thrones exploded with a bang ( literally ) as it turned into a fully fledged war film , leaving all trace of innocence and frivolous things behind . While this episode , Blackwater , did my least favourite film and television trick of having scenes in the dark , it really worked , right up until the final moment . The Lannisters Everything the Lannisters have been dreading ( even if they didn 't know it ) came to fruition this week - the walls of King 's Landing were breached , one of their most loyal soldiers turned his back on them , thousands of men were killed , and the best of the Lannisters was badly injured ( okay , maybe it was just us dreading that last one , and not so much Cersei and Tywin ) . Game of Thrones is all about shades of grey , and no one is all good or all bad . That said , the Lannisters are arguably on the wrong side of this fight ( as is Stannis ) and Robb Stark is on the right side . It 's a testament to how great a character Tyrion is that despite all the terrible behaviour exhibited by the Lannisters , we still root for them ( him ) . We saw all sides to Tyrion this week , starting with the scared and loving Tyrion who had to try and say goodbye to Shae . Piece by piece that Tyrion disappeared - literally , as he was covered by his armour . And although he showed a moment of weakness when he saw Sansa and Shae , putting on his armour was the start of truly battle worthy Tyrion . Still , it wasn 't enough to keep him from being hurt , and right now Tyrion is lying on the battlefield , bloody and bruised and on the verge of death . Will he survive ? I hope so . Even though Cersei was hiding out with the womenfolk during the battle , she was at the centre of the pivotal final scenes . Her story about the young lion cub scared of the bears and wolves in the forest was a beautifully told allegory for the battle raging across the Seven Kingdoms . But although her story ends with the lion cub triumphant , it 's clear Cersei isn 't talking about triumph in battle , she 's talking about triumph in death . Her words were a beautiful soundtrack and contrast to the battle scenes raging outside , as a group of men on horseback ride to the rescue of the Lannisters at King 's Landing . And those final moments , as Cersei lifts the bottle to Tommen 's lips and the doors burst open to show Tywin proclaiming the battle is won while slow - mo scenes of Stannis realising he 's lost play out are a brilliant climax to a fantastic episode . The Starks Sansa was representing for the Starks this week , and she did her family proud . From last season when she was one of Game of Thrones most annoying characters , she 's turned into a strong woman . The scene between Sansa and the Hound was , like the scene with Cersei telling the story of the lion cub , filled with wonderful contrasts . The Hound and Sansa are polar opposites - in looks , personality and life experience - but they seem to have a strange bond . It 's strong enough that the Hound offers to rescue Sansa , and that Sansa can tell the Hound he won 't hurt her , and he agrees . It didn 't start well , with much of his fleet being destroyed by the wildfire . But Stannis has revenge in mind , not just against the Lannisters - Stannis also has years of pent up tension and anger against his dead brother which he needs to release . And because of that , instead of dwelling on the destruction of his fleet Stannis forges ahead with a plan to get into King 's Landing . Game of Thrones was back to doing its season one favourite - playing important scenes out with a naked prostitute in the foreground for no good reason . This week it was a prostitute undressed by Bronn just before battle , as he and the Hound faced off . Still , it was the only real nudity this episode . This was a brilliant episode , and beautifully played out . It was an episode that really worked on contrasts , the best of which was the wildfire blowing up Stannis 's fleet of ships . From a distance the ships looked like they were home to a gorgeous firework display , up close they were the scene for hundreds of murders . My only worry is that Blackwater is the penultimate episode , and it was so , so good . Can the season finale possibly be better ? And if it is , just how good is it going to be ? Here 's the down low on Stephanie - she lives in New Jersey . Her husband cheated on her with her worst enemy and she 's now divorced , living in a flat with her hamster Rex . She works for her cousin Vinnie as a bounty hunter , tracking down people who haven 't answered their bail . Her best friend is Lula , a former prostitute who brings a new meaning to plus size and enjoys squeezing her frame into tight lycra . She hates guns , her cars are always getting destroyed , her grandmother is crazy and her mum wants her to settle down and get a proper job . I am so disappointed . I have stuck by Glee through the good times , the bad times and the very , very bad times ( and there have been quite a few of the latter ) . I 've looked at it kindly through rushed storylines , bad characterisations and dodgy songs . I 've tried to see the positive when fandom has been focusing on the negative ( and I 've wanted to join it ) . But the time has come for me to say that I 'm disappointed in Glee . And worse than that , not only was Kurt rejected from NYADA , we also didn 't see much reaction from him about it , unless you count the few seconds before Rachel opened her letter . We have no clue as to where Kurt 's going , what he 'll do , what his back up plan is , how he feels . There are cliffhangers , and then there are just large holes in plot where it 's clear no one behind the scenes has thought about a character . ( For the missing scene that should have been in Goodbye , see a talented fan 's version here . ) By contrast , it seemed like Glee was determined to get Rachel to succeed , even though she messed up her original NYADA audition . She choked , and yes , she 's talented but you don 't get a second chance at things like that . Glee went from being an ensemble show with some leading characters to being all about Rachel ( and Finn to an extent ) in just a couple of scenes . As soon as Rachel 's NYADA acceptance was revealed , Glee seemed to forget all its other characters . We didn 't get to say goodbye to them . Instead , we got to watch them say goodbye to Rachel like she was the only person we 've cared about for three seasons . And we said hello to Rachel as she stepped into a new world . There was no closure . Rachel will get a brand new start next season . Not only is she in a new city , at a new school , but she 's also not with Finn anymore . I have no doubt he 'll still be around next season , but the dynamic will be different . This episode Finn really stepped up . As much as I hated the Rachel focus , if it had been balanced out with the other characters , I would have loved the scene between her and Finn . It would have been moving if I hadn 't been seething over Kurt not getting into NYADA , but I did still manage to be impressed by Finn 's stepping aside . I 'm not sure how I feel about his decision to join the army , but I guess we 'll see how that works out next season . Ooh , actually , I do have a bit of a moan about Finn . What was up with the non - graduating glee clubbers deciding they needed to dedicate their song mostly to Finn . Artie said to him : " Even before glee club was kind of cool , you had our backs . You were on the football team , you were one of the most popular kids in school , you had a lot to lose . People forget the sacrifices you made . We wanted to thank you . WHAT ? From what I remember , Finn might not have thrown anyone in a dumpster , but he certainly stood by and watched it happen . He might have let Kurt take his jacket off , but he still gave the command for the rest of the team to go ahead and throw Kurt in . From what I remember , Finn was the one who had the biggest struggle choosing between glee club and the football team , and choosing to defend Kurt or just stand by and watch him suffer . So when exactly did Finn have the glee club 's backs ? We got a little bit of closure with some of the other characters . Santana 's storyline was well rounded out , mostly . As much as I find Brittana sweet , I do think Brittany has been holding Santana back . Yes , they love each other , but they 're not equals in their relationship ( for a great analysis of Brittana , see what Tumblr 's Zavocado said here ) . So sad as it was that Brittany wasn 't graduating , I 'm looking forward to hopefully seeing Santana really make a go of it in New York . It was also lovely to see Santana 's relationship with her mother ( played by Gloria Estefan ) and the acknowledgement of that scene months ago where Santana 's grandmother rejected her for her sexuality and that hasn 't been mentioned since . Mercedes saw some success , and is heading to LA to be a backing singer . She deserves it , but her fate post - McKinley just seemed to be thrown in because the writers had to do something with her , not because they wanted to . Mike , going to dance school in Chicago , suffered similarly at the hands of Glee 's writers . Puck passed his geography exam with the help of his classmates , especially Quinn ( who had a really sweet scene with Sue Sylvester ) . The two had a really strange scene where they kissed . Excuse me , isn 't that Quinn cheating on Joe ? I know they 're seeing where things are going , but still , kissing your ex is a surefire way to throw a spanner in the works with a potential boyfriend . And also , isn 't cheating what led to Quinn getting pregnant ? And then to her getting Finn back , then losing Finn , then turning into a goth and getting all crazy about the baby she gave up for adoption ? When has cheating ever resulted in anything good for Quinn ? I 'm just so disappointed that Glee didn 't give me , us , the respect we deserve . We 've stood behind Glee because it 's a programme about so many different kinds of people , but in the end it didn 't respect us because it made Goodbye all about one character . Anything that came earlier in the episode was negated by the big Rachel goodbye . Rachel got to move on while all the other characters we love stayed exactly where they were , and we stayed with them . The music I enjoyed You Get What You Give and thought it worked well as a handover number from the graduating New Directions to the non - graduating ones . I particularly liked the set up , and the way it ended with those not graduating standing and facing their predecessors . In My Life was good , but may have been more appropriate for the graduating seniors to sing . What I liked best about the group numbers was that they were group numbers , no one really took prominence , everyone worked together . Forever Young was typically Will Schuester - a bit bland - and Glory Days was typically Puck and Finn - rocky and fun . What Glee did well Like last week , I need to calm down and rewatch this episode to find something truly amazing . Unlike Nationals , where I have to rewatch because I loved so much about it , this week I need to rewatch to find something outstanding because I 'm still filled with disappointment at how Goodbye ended . Next week Is anyone else getting a bit bored of Cersei ? She 's still a great character but she seems to be stuck in a rut - focusing on how Tyrion married off her younger daughter . She 's been going on about this for weeks now , too selfish to see that it 's actually for Myrcella 's good . Cersei is also still defending Joffrey , despite admitting last week that he 's the Meanest Character on Television ™ ( okay , she just admitted he 's unlovable to anyone but his mother ) . This week she 's saying he 's not old enough to go into battle . When Tyrion counters by reminding her that Jaime was fighting wars at 17 , Cersei pulls out her trump card in revenge . She 's found Tyrion 's secret girlfriend , and is holding her captive and having her beaten . She knows love is Tyrion 's weak spot , judging by his history of marrying a woman who it turned out was only paid to sleep with him . Luckily for Tyrion , the woman Cersei is holding is not Shae , it 's some other poor prostitute , who plays the role of Tyrion 's girlfriend , reminding him that he owes her . While worrying about Shae , Tyrion also has the bigger problem of Stannis Baratheon 's fleet coming ever closer . He reads some books to try and get some battle tips , prompting a humourous scene involving Tyrion and Bronn . These two need to be in their own buddy film ( if you don 't know what that looks like , watch this fan - made trailer ) . Still , the most important Tyrion scenes this episode involve Varys , who 's back after a few weeks ' absence . He provides a good sounding board for Tyrion , and also gives his own input on keeping Stannis out of the city . But his most important input is when he reveals his spies ( they stretch far and wide ) have found out Danaerys Targaryen is in Qarth , and that she has dragons . Tyrion dismisses it as rumour - he 'll soon wish he hadn 't . Ooh , so when we left Catelyn Stark last week it looked like she was about to slice Jaime Lannister 's head off . But no , she did worse than that - she freed Jaime . While her son , the King in the North , was away . Without his permission . Betrayal . It 's a sign of how desperate Catelyn is . Just a few episodes ago she would never have thought to go against her son , never have been naive enough to think her favour would be returned by the Lannisters . But since then Catelyn has learnt her two sons are being held captive ( she thinks ) at Winterfell , the body of her dead husband has been returned to her , and Littlefinger has whispered deceitful words into her ear . His woes are growing by the day . He 's now lost his most previous pawn , and unbeknownst to him , Tywin Lannister is marching towards him . As if that wasn 't enough , he 's growing ever closer to Talisa , until finally the dam breaks and the two confess that neither of them want Robb to marry " the Frey girl " . The scene between Robb and Talisa is sweet and the second romantic scene of the episode , and it 's also full of subtext . Their move round the tent is a dance of sorts , even though they 're both as far from a ball as one can get . Robb 's flirting is really cute , and he 's fast catching up to Jon Snow as the loveliest male in Westeros for me . We find out a bit more about Talisa ( privileged girl who learnt there 's more to the world and wanted to do good ) , and Robb finds a real confidant . And it all ends in a passionate embrace on the floor of Robb 's tent . Meanwhile , Arya is panicking because Tywin Lannister has decided to march towards Robb 's army in the dead of night . She runs to find Jaqen H ' gar to give him Tywin 's name as her third kill , but he 's nowhere to be found . When she does track him down , it 's too late and Jaqen can 't promise her that Tywin will be killed as fast as Arya needs him to be . Nearly all the major characters on Games of Thrones have confidants who are below them in stature ( Tyrion and Bronn , Robb and Talisa , Tywin and Arya ) , and Stannis has Davos . The latter is a self - made man of sorts , and I get the impression Stannis is deeply jealous of him . After all , Davos may have been punished for being a smuggler , but he 's always done things on his own terms , been honourable and not given in to anyone else . Unlike Stannis , who spent his years living in the shadow of Robert Baratheon , and doing exactly what he was told to do . Stannis may be the rightful heir of King 's Landing - until Robert 's true son returns - but I don 't think Stannis is trying to win the throne because it 's the right thing to do . He 's doing it as a form of revenge for all those years he spent doing what other people told him to do , and to get back at Robert for betraying him and giving Renly what he believed belonged to him . More wandering in the snow this week for Jon , only now he 's the prisoner . Ygritte takes him back to her gang of wildlings , who almost kill him before Ygritte reveals he 's the bastard son of Ned Stark , thereby saving his life . As she reminds him , the two are even now . It turns out the wildlings have also captured Qhorin Halfhand , as he and his men set off to find Jon when he didn 't return after he was meant to kill Ygritte . Halfhand comes up with a plan to get the wildlings to like Jon by pretending he thinks Jon is a traitor . The hope is Jon can infiltrate the wildlings and take them down from the outside . Meanwhile , elsewhere beyond the Wall Sam and two of the other men from the Night 's Watch are digging holes in the snow when they come across a stone chest bearing the markings of the First Men . Inside the chest is a Night 's Watch cloak and knives made of obsidian . It 's not clear what the significance of the discovery is , but by the look on Sam 's face , it 's clear it is significant . Theon Greyjoy is still straddling the line between conqueror and selfish idiot . This week , his sister comes to visit , and while the two squabble as always , she does give him some wise words - he should leave Winterfell before he dies there . It 's advice Theon would do well to heed , but his ego gets in the way . Surprisingly , Theon then shows us his more tender side , respectively speaking . He wants money taken to the farm where he found Bran and Rickon , but is told that would be a bad idea . Money is no way to silence someone , his loyal servant tells him , implying that killing is . So who is the Prince of Winterfell the title of this episode talks about ? Is it Theon , who now rules there ? Obvious , but unlikely . I think it 's more likely the title refers to Bran , who is learning tough lessons as every day goes by . Robb tells Talisa this week that kings spend their lives being brought up as princes , but that he was only ever brought up to be lord of Winterfell . Bran , on the other hand , is now being brought up as a prince , thrust into circumstances beyond his control . Osha might think he 's still a child , but Bran is becoming more princely , and in direct contrast to Joffrey , seems to realise just how much responsibility he has . After all , people have been executed for him . Even when Peeta is rescued from the Capitol and brought to District 13 , he 's still only seen through the eyes of Katniss . And to Katniss he 's now a threat , having been programmed by the Capitol to want to kill Katniss on sight . Katniss is , understandably , focused on the killing part , but in doing so misses the fact that mostly Peeta is still the sweet , strong Peeta we saw in The Hunger Games and Catching Fire . There are other characters too , that I really wanted to get to know more , but couldn 't because Katniss has limited interactions with them . Primarily , I wanted to spend more time with Finnick and Johanna . Although Katniss befriends them both , it 's difficult to understand just how much pain they 're in when it 's only Katniss describing it , rather than us seeing it directly . Mockingjay is not as action packed as the previous two books in The Hunger Games trilogy . For a start , because Katniss is in District 13 there is no direct hunt as there was in The Hunger Games and Catching Fire for a large chunk of the book . It 's only when she goes to the Capitol with her band of followers ( who sadly get killed off one by one ) , that we see Katniss back in an arena of sorts , and the action hots up . Watching Katniss 's group fight for her is inspiring , but also difficult , since most of them are doomed . Seeing some of my favourite characters perish was really tough , and I had to go back and read the scenes where they died over and over again to make sure they really had gone . And seeing how relationships broke down because of everything that happened was also pretty hard . Still , tough as that was , it was much tougher to read the last few chapters of the book . Although the rebels triumph over President Snow and the Capitol , the book hardly has a happy ending . Scene after scene brings more heartache , and even though Katniss and Peeta both survive and grow to love one another , there 's a bittersweet taste to everything . I can 't say I was surprised at the lack of a completely happy ending though . After all , The Hunger Games trilogy is based around the story of children being forced to kill each other , and how can a story like that have a happy ending without completely ignoring everything that came before . Collins does well to make sure that right up until the last page we 're still aware of the horrific circumstances Katniss and Peeta , and numerous others , found themselves in . While Mockingjay may initially seem like a weaker book than The Hunger Games and Catching Fire because of its slow burn and lack of action throughout , it 's actually the one that 's stayed with me the most . Having reread the ending a few times , while there is hope it 's still pretty bleak , and even just thinking about the end brings back that twisty knot in my stomach from when I first read the last few chapters . That 's a sign of a good book . Okay , I 'll admit it , I may be crying a little bit . This episode was really emotional , and it 's not even the end . Who knows what a mess I 'll be after the season finale . Annoying as Rachel can be , she was superb during It 's All Coming Back to Me Now . I couldn 't take my eyes off the screen , Lea Michele has such stage presence and amazing vocals . And Jesse St James 's face during the song was heartwrenching , he knows just how amazing this girl is , and thankfully he told Carmen Tibideaux that . Following New Directions were Vocal Adrenaline , fronted by Unique . Wade had a wobbly moment before going on stage , but Kurt and Mercedes came to the rescue and reminded him that Unique is amazing , and that he / she needed confidence to believe Vocal Adrenaline could succeed . As Kurt and Mercedes left Wade to get ready , he muttered that he might consider transferring schools next term . Could Wade / Unique be heading to McKinley for season four of Glee ? Vocal Adrenaline 's performance was amazing as always . The group is flawless - their vocals were great , and their dance moves were phenomenal . For a moment I wondered how Glee would swing it that New Directions won over Vocal Adrenaline . Then I stopped worrying . The reason New Directions won is because they work as a team , because yes , they may have lead singers , but without the rest of the group it just wouldn 't work . Vocal Adrenaline , fabulous as they were , relied on Wade / Unique , and so while it was right Wade / Unique won MVP , it was also right Vocal Adrenaline didn 't win Nationals . Since we 're talking about winning , let 's mention the judges , specifically Lindsay Lohan . Eh . I didn 't think she was that great , or that funny . Perez Hilton was alright , and the politician was sweet . Overall , not one of the best judging panels Glee has decided on . Still , props to them for voting on New Directions to win . After three seasons of waiting , it was heartwarming to see New Directions triumphant . And to see them treated as winners when they returned to school . All the slow - mo scenes at the end were really sweet . Although , and any Glee fan will bring this up , there was something missing . We got Finchel kissing , we got Tike kissing , we got Brittana kissing , we even got Will and Emma kissing ( and more ) . And yet , somehow , Klaine still managed to stand about 10 feet apart . What is going on ? Did the quota for gay couples who can act like they 're in a relationship get reached for this episode ? It 's a ridiculous situation , since Klaine is the most stable couple on the show , yet we 've only seen them show physical affection towards each other a couple of times . Most of the focus this season has been on the glee clubbers , and anytime Will has been on screen has generally been boring or cheesy . But this episode I loved his involvement when it came to New Directions ( I wasn 't too invested in him and Emma finally sleeping together , sweet as it was with Emma leaving him a pamphlet ) . After all , he 's the reason the glee kids are where they are - doing something they love and being great at it . There were lots of Will moments this episode but the one that stood out for me was right before he went into the rehearsal room just before the kids went on stage . Those silent seconds showed a teacher who loves his students , and wants them to do well . With all the non - teachering Will does , it 's easy to forget he really does care . He might not be able to speak Spanish well , he may miss completely when his students are in trouble , but he does care , and that 's one of the most important things a teacher can do . And caring was why Will won teacher of the year . In a touching moment the kids of New Directions all hugged Will one by one , thanking him for caring . It was a really emotional moment , not least because for me it wasn 't just acting - it was also the cast getting emotional about having to say goodbye to something that 's been their lives for the last few years . And most importantly of all , Tina and Rachel swap bodies , with Tina finally getting to find out what it 's like to be Rachel . Yes , she 's adored and gets all the solos , and Tina enjoys the standing ovation she gets as Rachel . But it also makes Tina realise Rachel puts a lot of pressure on herself . The sequence is hilarious , right up there with Glee 's spoof Christmas special in the Christmas episode . All the actors brilliantly portray their alternative characters - Matt Morrison has Sue 's walk down pat , Dianna Agron shakes her head just the way Sugar does , Chris Colfer has Finn 's mannerisms down . You have to give props to these guys for really knowing the characters they 're portraying , even though they 've spent the last however many months or years being other characters . Seeing her feelings reflected in Puck - and seeing him pull a knife - gave Coach Bieste the strength to leave Cooter , for real this time . And in one of the best moments this series , when Cooter asked Coach Bieste who would love her if she left him , Coach Bieste shouted back : " Me . " Glee is about loving yourself for who you are , and Coach Bieste discovered that in this episode . Puck too , discovered that he 's not worthless when Coach Bieste stood up for him , and arranged for him to take his geography test again . She and his geography teacher were impressed when he put on a dress for glee , showing his commitment to his teammates . All it took was for someone to show Puck he does matter . Alongside the more serious storylines were some lighter moments , although these still hinted at some deeper plots . There was Sue trying to get Kurt to wear a dress so New Directions could compete with Unique and Vocal Adrenaline . It started with an amusing scene with Kurt saying he never wore dresses - cut to Kurt dressed as Snooki for Halloween with Blaine as The Situation . Still , Kurt had a good point - just because he 's gay doesn 't mean he has to wear a dress . It was something he constantly pointed out to Sue as she tried to get him to wear a dress throughout the episode . And although Sue seemed like she was being insensitive on the one hand , on the other hand every time she referred to Wade and Unique she did use both pronouns , showing respect . Rachel showed she was still determined to get into NYADA , and in true Rachel style was calling and leaving message after message for Carmen Tibideaux ( Whoopi Goldberg ) . But in the end Rachel showed why her being annoying is a small price to pay - she has a true passion for performing , and in a moving speech to Carmen she showed that . Now it 's a case of waiting for Carmen to turn up to Nationals . Speaking of which , although the next episode focuses on Nationals , this week 's episode showed the glee club had already chosen their numbers for the competition . This is surprisingly early - usually New Directions waits until the last minute . The music To Cersei , Sansa is everything she was as a young girl - unsure , trapped , naive . So Cersei is determined to bestow upon Sansa the wisdom she has learnt over the years , offering to Sansa some small comfort , although her warnings are all to do with dire things . Cersei warns Sansa that her husband is not the person she will love - that honour will go to her children , no matter how horrible they are . Time hasn 't been good to him , he 's looking dirty and tired but he 's still far from defeated . Jaime is our central man of no honour - he 'll do anything to save himself . Unlike Cersei , who does have a conscience even if it is buried , Jaime has no qualms about his actions and no hesitation in betraying family . While his children and grandchildren are wreaking havoc , Tywin Lannister is still at Harrenhal , bonding with Arya of all people . An attempt has been made to kill him , and Tywin has ordered that everything be done to find the culprit . Once he 's issued his directive he goes back to being kind of Arya - the past few weeks have been full of Tywin disagreeing with one of his men and then turning to Arya for conversation . Tywin seems to be using Arya as some sort of confidant . However , even though he spends more time than I can believe speaking to a " servant " girl , he 's perfectly aware Arya is not who she says she is , picking up that she is higher born than she acts by just a few words in her speech . The Starks With Theon Greyjoy close behind them , Bran and Rickon don 't manage to run for long . This week 's episode dramatically finishes with Theon raising two charred bodies in front of the people of Winterfell . But with the bodies so badly burnt , how do we know they 're who Theon implies they are ? Robb is still flirting with Talisa , even though he 's engaged to someone else . Their flirting is hilarious , as it seems to mostly take place during discussions about amputation , or during amputations themselves . It seems to turn Robb on in some way , so it 'll be interesting to see where this goes ! Catelyn has a tough week , as she first comes to Jaime 's rescue , and then looks like she 's about to kill him when we last see her . She is a woman with honour , the complete opposite of Jaime . Or is she ? Jaime rightly points that she never loved Jon Snow , even though he was just a baby when he came to Winterfell . And when Jaime pushes her , and pushes her , Catelyn 's anger builds , until she asks Brienne to hand her sword over . Will Jaime still be alive the next time we see him ? While we 're with Brienne , she gets one of the most interesting lines this week : " Who wants to die defending a Lannister ? " Who , indeed ? The Baratheons Jorah visits the woman who wears a mask over her face , and has a strange exchange with her , where he promises that he will not betray Dany again . Did I miss something ? Did he betray Dany ? Have we seen the betrayal ? In which case I completely missed it . Or is the masked woman talking about something we haven 't seen , and somehow Jorah was involved in the case of the missing dragons ? Luckily , by the end of the episode , Dany knows where her dragons are . Unluckily , they 're been taken by Xaro Xhoan Daxos and the creepy looking member of the Thirteen who can be in multiple places at once . The two have hatched a plan to take over Qarth , and we see the remaining members of the Thirteen killed before Dany 's eyes . I 'm intrigued as to how Jon will respond to Mance Ryder 's men . Ygritte has challenged his perceptions of them , telling him they are more free than the people on the other side of the wall , that they live their own lives and question the rules imposed on Jon by his people . She also makes him think when she questions why he is fighting them , when he himself has said he is descended from the same people as them . He 's beginning to question everything he thinks he knows . The Greyjoys Not much nudity this week , there 's just one guy we see having a full body tattoo done . There is plenty of talk about sex , as Ygritte teases Jon to the point of exasperation with her crude words and actions . When you play the Game of Thrones . . . At first glance it can also apply to Theon , after all , what man with honour would kill a child ? And Theon killed two . But the look on Theon 's face at the end , as he sees the horrors of what he has done , shows guilt and terror over what he has done . A man without honour is cold and without emotion , and that 's definitely not Theon . In fact , most of his actions up to now have been due to his being too emotional . Theon is a man without sense , he 's cruel , he 's despicable , but until he loses his sense of humanity , is he a man without honour ? His honour , small as it is and even though only he can see it , comes from the fact that he still feels something when he sees those bodies . The 100 - a teen drama full of gorgeous people , carefully crafted settings , a lot of drama , and a good dash of romance ? Well , yes . But some . . .

Of the four books and films , this is the darkest , as it 's the first time we see someone innocent killed in present time . In Goblet of Fire Harry returns to school to discover the Triwizard Tournament is being held , and somehow finds himself named as a competitor . Surviving two challenges he heads into the third , which he thinks he wins with Cedric Diggory . Turns out it 's all an elaborate plan to bring Voldemort back . Cedric is killed , Voldemort returns to a human body , Harry faces off with him , and the world will never be the same again for the children of Hogwarts . The final scenes , from Harry going into the maze in the final task , to the end of the film are brilliantly done . While not quite as they were in my imagination , I feel all the elements really come together . The maze is sufficiently creepy , and that moment where Cedric and Harry decide to lift the cup together for a Hogwarts ' win are really moving . And then to the graveyard and Voldemort - the finest scenes done in the Harry Potter films up until now . Ralph Fiennes is amazing as Voldemort , all harsh lines , snake voiced and just generally embodying the role of bad guy without for a moment slipping into farce . He 's the perfect Voldemort . Also perfect in Brendan Gleeson as Mad - Eye Moody . He 's just as I imagined him in the book - scarred and looking exactly like he 's spent a lifetime battling dark foes . In the books there are few signs that Moody is actually Barty Crouch Jr , in fact , I think that twist crept up on me without me guessing until the final page or so before the reveal . In the film though , Gleeson plays Moody with a slight hint of sinister , giving enough of a wink to those who have read the book and know his real identity , and planting enough of a seed of doubt in the minds of those who haven 't . And of course , David Tennant is fabulous as Barty Crouch Jr , erasing all our memories of him as the kindly Doctor Who with his portrayal of the creepy , spoilt Barty . The young actors in Harry Potter really grew in this film , and for the first time I felt like they were truly acting . Particular praise must go to Matthew Lewis , who just is Neville Longbottom ; to James and Oliver Phelps as the Weasley twins , who bring a slice of comedy to the screen whenever they appear ; and to Clemence Poesy , who made me like Fleur Delacour . The Prince of Winterfell recap / review Well , after weeks of waiting Game of Thrones exploded with a bang ( literally ) as it turned into a fully fledged war film , leaving all trace of innocence and frivolous things behind . While this episode , Blackwater , did my least favourite film and television trick of having scenes in the dark , it really worked , right up until the final moment . The Lannisters Everything the Lannisters have been dreading ( even if they didn 't know it ) came to fruition this week - the walls of King 's Landing were breached , one of their most loyal soldiers turned his back on them , thousands of men were killed , and the best of the Lannisters was badly injured ( okay , maybe it was just us dreading that last one , and not so much Cersei and Tywin ) . Game of Thrones is all about shades of grey , and no one is all good or all bad . That said , the Lannisters are arguably on the wrong side of this fight ( as is Stannis ) and Robb Stark is on the right side . It 's a testament to how great a character Tyrion is that despite all the terrible behaviour exhibited by the Lannisters , we still root for them ( him ) . We saw all sides to Tyrion this week , starting with the scared and loving Tyrion who had to try and say goodbye to Shae . Piece by piece that Tyrion disappeared - literally , as he was covered by his armour . And although he showed a moment of weakness when he saw Sansa and Shae , putting on his armour was the start of truly battle worthy Tyrion . Still , it wasn 't enough to keep him from being hurt , and right now Tyrion is lying on the battlefield , bloody and bruised and on the verge of death . Will he survive ? I hope so . Even though Cersei was hiding out with the womenfolk during the battle , she was at the centre of the pivotal final scenes . Her story about the young lion cub scared of the bears and wolves in the forest was a beautifully told allegory for the battle raging across the Seven Kingdoms . But although her story ends with the lion cub triumphant , it 's clear Cersei isn 't talking about triumph in battle , she 's talking about triumph in death . Her words were a beautiful soundtrack and contrast to the battle scenes raging outside , as a group of men on horseback ride to the rescue of the Lannisters at King 's Landing . And those final moments , as Cersei lifts the bottle to Tommen 's lips and the doors burst open to show Tywin proclaiming the battle is won while slow - mo scenes of Stannis realising he 's lost play out are a brilliant climax to a fantastic episode . The Starks Sansa was representing for the Starks this week , and she did her family proud . From last season when she was one of Game of Thrones most annoying characters , she 's turned into a strong woman . The scene between Sansa and the Hound was , like the scene with Cersei telling the story of the lion cub , filled with wonderful contrasts . The Hound and Sansa are polar opposites - in looks , personality and life experience - but they seem to have a strange bond . It 's strong enough that the Hound offers to rescue Sansa , and that Sansa can tell the Hound he won 't hurt her , and he agrees . It didn 't start well , with much of his fleet being destroyed by the wildfire . But Stannis has revenge in mind , not just against the Lannisters - Stannis also has years of pent up tension and anger against his dead brother which he needs to release . And because of that , instead of dwelling on the destruction of his fleet Stannis forges ahead with a plan to get into King 's Landing . Game of Thrones was back to doing its season one favourite - playing important scenes out with a naked prostitute in the foreground for no good reason . This week it was a prostitute undressed by Bronn just before battle , as he and the Hound faced off . Still , it was the only real nudity this episode . This was a brilliant episode , and beautifully played out . It was an episode that really worked on contrasts , the best of which was the wildfire blowing up Stannis 's fleet of ships . From a distance the ships looked like they were home to a gorgeous firework display , up close they were the scene for hundreds of murders . My only worry is that Blackwater is the penultimate episode , and it was so , so good . Can the season finale possibly be better ? And if it is , just how good is it going to be ? Here 's the down low on Stephanie - she lives in New Jersey . Her husband cheated on her with her worst enemy and she 's now divorced , living in a flat with her hamster Rex . She works for her cousin Vinnie as a bounty hunter , tracking down people who haven 't answered their bail . Her best friend is Lula , a former prostitute who brings a new meaning to plus size and enjoys squeezing her frame into tight lycra . She hates guns , her cars are always getting destroyed , her grandmother is crazy and her mum wants her to settle down and get a proper job . I am so disappointed . I have stuck by Glee through the good times , the bad times and the very , very bad times ( and there have been quite a few of the latter ) . I 've looked at it kindly through rushed storylines , bad characterisations and dodgy songs . I 've tried to see the positive when fandom has been focusing on the negative ( and I 've wanted to join it ) . But the time has come for me to say that I 'm disappointed in Glee . And worse than that , not only was Kurt rejected from NYADA , we also didn 't see much reaction from him about it , unless you count the few seconds before Rachel opened her letter . We have no clue as to where Kurt 's going , what he 'll do , what his back up plan is , how he feels . There are cliffhangers , and then there are just large holes in plot where it 's clear no one behind the scenes has thought about a character . ( For the missing scene that should have been in Goodbye , see a talented fan 's version here . ) By contrast , it seemed like Glee was determined to get Rachel to succeed , even though she messed up her original NYADA audition . She choked , and yes , she 's talented but you don 't get a second chance at things like that . Glee went from being an ensemble show with some leading characters to being all about Rachel ( and Finn to an extent ) in just a couple of scenes . As soon as Rachel 's NYADA acceptance was revealed , Glee seemed to forget all its other characters . We didn 't get to say goodbye to them . Instead , we got to watch them say goodbye to Rachel like she was the only person we 've cared about for three seasons . And we said hello to Rachel as she stepped into a new world . There was no closure . Rachel will get a brand new start next season . Not only is she in a new city , at a new school , but she 's also not with Finn anymore . I have no doubt he 'll still be around next season , but the dynamic will be different . This episode Finn really stepped up . As much as I hated the Rachel focus , if it had been balanced out with the other characters , I would have loved the scene between her and Finn . It would have been moving if I hadn 't been seething over Kurt not getting into NYADA , but I did still manage to be impressed by Finn 's stepping aside . I 'm not sure how I feel about his decision to join the army , but I guess we 'll see how that works out next season . Ooh , actually , I do have a bit of a moan about Finn . What was up with the non - graduating glee clubbers deciding they needed to dedicate their song mostly to Finn . Artie said to him : " Even before glee club was kind of cool , you had our backs . You were on the football team , you were one of the most popular kids in school , you had a lot to lose . People forget the sacrifices you made . We wanted to thank you . WHAT ? From what I remember , Finn might not have thrown anyone in a dumpster , but he certainly stood by and watched it happen . He might have let Kurt take his jacket off , but he still gave the command for the rest of the team to go ahead and throw Kurt in . From what I remember , Finn was the one who had the biggest struggle choosing between glee club and the football team , and choosing to defend Kurt or just stand by and watch him suffer . So when exactly did Finn have the glee club 's backs ? We got a little bit of closure with some of the other characters . Santana 's storyline was well rounded out , mostly . As much as I find Brittana sweet , I do think Brittany has been holding Santana back . Yes , they love each other , but they 're not equals in their relationship ( for a great analysis of Brittana , see what Tumblr 's Zavocado said here ) . So sad as it was that Brittany wasn 't graduating , I 'm looking forward to hopefully seeing Santana really make a go of it in New York . It was also lovely to see Santana 's relationship with her mother ( played by Gloria Estefan ) and the acknowledgement of that scene months ago where Santana 's grandmother rejected her for her sexuality and that hasn 't been mentioned since . Mercedes saw some success , and is heading to LA to be a backing singer . She deserves it , but her fate post - McKinley just seemed to be thrown in because the writers had to do something with her , not because they wanted to . Mike , going to dance school in Chicago , suffered similarly at the hands of Glee 's writers . Puck passed his geography exam with the help of his classmates , especially Quinn ( who had a really sweet scene with Sue Sylvester ) . The two had a really strange scene where they kissed . Excuse me , isn 't that Quinn cheating on Joe ? I know they 're seeing where things are going , but still , kissing your ex is a surefire way to throw a spanner in the works with a potential boyfriend . And also , isn 't cheating what led to Quinn getting pregnant ? And then to her getting Finn back , then losing Finn , then turning into a goth and getting all crazy about the baby she gave up for adoption ? When has cheating ever resulted in anything good for Quinn ? I 'm just so disappointed that Glee didn 't give me , us , the respect we deserve . We 've stood behind Glee because it 's a programme about so many different kinds of people , but in the end it didn 't respect us because it made Goodbye all about one character . Anything that came earlier in the episode was negated by the big Rachel goodbye . Rachel got to move on while all the other characters we love stayed exactly where they were , and we stayed with them . The music I enjoyed You Get What You Give and thought it worked well as a handover number from the graduating New Directions to the non - graduating ones . I particularly liked the set up , and the way it ended with those not graduating standing and facing their predecessors . In My Life was good , but may have been more appropriate for the graduating seniors to sing . What I liked best about the group numbers was that they were group numbers , no one really took prominence , everyone worked together . Forever Young was typically Will Schuester - a bit bland - and Glory Days was typically Puck and Finn - rocky and fun . What Glee did well Like last week , I need to calm down and rewatch this episode to find something truly amazing . Unlike Nationals , where I have to rewatch because I loved so much about it , this week I need to rewatch to find something outstanding because I 'm still filled with disappointment at how Goodbye ended . Next week Is anyone else getting a bit bored of Cersei ? She 's still a great character but she seems to be stuck in a rut - focusing on how Tyrion married off her younger daughter . She 's been going on about this for weeks now , too selfish to see that it 's actually for Myrcella 's good . Cersei is also still defending Joffrey , despite admitting last week that he 's the Meanest Character on Television ™ ( okay , she just admitted he 's unlovable to anyone but his mother ) . This week she 's saying he 's not old enough to go into battle . When Tyrion counters by reminding her that Jaime was fighting wars at 17 , Cersei pulls out her trump card in revenge . She 's found Tyrion 's secret girlfriend , and is holding her captive and having her beaten . She knows love is Tyrion 's weak spot , judging by his history of marrying a woman who it turned out was only paid to sleep with him . Luckily for Tyrion , the woman Cersei is holding is not Shae , it 's some other poor prostitute , who plays the role of Tyrion 's girlfriend , reminding him that he owes her . While worrying about Shae , Tyrion also has the bigger problem of Stannis Baratheon 's fleet coming ever closer . He reads some books to try and get some battle tips , prompting a humourous scene involving Tyrion and Bronn . These two need to be in their own buddy film ( if you don 't know what that looks like , watch this fan - made trailer ) . Still , the most important Tyrion scenes this episode involve Varys , who 's back after a few weeks ' absence . He provides a good sounding board for Tyrion , and also gives his own input on keeping Stannis out of the city . But his most important input is when he reveals his spies ( they stretch far and wide ) have found out Danaerys Targaryen is in Qarth , and that she has dragons . Tyrion dismisses it as rumour - he 'll soon wish he hadn 't . Ooh , so when we left Catelyn Stark last week it looked like she was about to slice Jaime Lannister 's head off . But no , she did worse than that - she freed Jaime . While her son , the King in the North , was away . Without his permission . Betrayal . It 's a sign of how desperate Catelyn is . Just a few episodes ago she would never have thought to go against her son , never have been naive enough to think her favour would be returned by the Lannisters . But since then Catelyn has learnt her two sons are being held captive ( she thinks ) at Winterfell , the body of her dead husband has been returned to her , and Littlefinger has whispered deceitful words into her ear . His woes are growing by the day . He 's now lost his most previous pawn , and unbeknownst to him , Tywin Lannister is marching towards him . As if that wasn 't enough , he 's growing ever closer to Talisa , until finally the dam breaks and the two confess that neither of them want Robb to marry " the Frey girl " . The scene between Robb and Talisa is sweet and the second romantic scene of the episode , and it 's also full of subtext . Their move round the tent is a dance of sorts , even though they 're both as far from a ball as one can get . Robb 's flirting is really cute , and he 's fast catching up to Jon Snow as the loveliest male in Westeros for me . We find out a bit more about Talisa ( privileged girl who learnt there 's more to the world and wanted to do good ) , and Robb finds a real confidant . And it all ends in a passionate embrace on the floor of Robb 's tent . Meanwhile , Arya is panicking because Tywin Lannister has decided to march towards Robb 's army in the dead of night . She runs to find Jaqen H ' gar to give him Tywin 's name as her third kill , but he 's nowhere to be found . When she does track him down , it 's too late and Jaqen can 't promise her that Tywin will be killed as fast as Arya needs him to be . Nearly all the major characters on Games of Thrones have confidants who are below them in stature ( Tyrion and Bronn , Robb and Talisa , Tywin and Arya ) , and Stannis has Davos . The latter is a self - made man of sorts , and I get the impression Stannis is deeply jealous of him . After all , Davos may have been punished for being a smuggler , but he 's always done things on his own terms , been honourable and not given in to anyone else . Unlike Stannis , who spent his years living in the shadow of Robert Baratheon , and doing exactly what he was told to do . Stannis may be the rightful heir of King 's Landing - until Robert 's true son returns - but I don 't think Stannis is trying to win the throne because it 's the right thing to do . He 's doing it as a form of revenge for all those years he spent doing what other people told him to do , and to get back at Robert for betraying him and giving Renly what he believed belonged to him . More wandering in the snow this week for Jon , only now he 's the prisoner . Ygritte takes him back to her gang of wildlings , who almost kill him before Ygritte reveals he 's the bastard son of Ned Stark , thereby saving his life . As she reminds him , the two are even now . It turns out the wildlings have also captured Qhorin Halfhand , as he and his men set off to find Jon when he didn 't return after he was meant to kill Ygritte . Halfhand comes up with a plan to get the wildlings to like Jon by pretending he thinks Jon is a traitor . The hope is Jon can infiltrate the wildlings and take them down from the outside . Meanwhile , elsewhere beyond the Wall Sam and two of the other men from the Night 's Watch are digging holes in the snow when they come across a stone chest bearing the markings of the First Men . Inside the chest is a Night 's Watch cloak and knives made of obsidian . It 's not clear what the significance of the discovery is , but by the look on Sam 's face , it 's clear it is significant . Theon Greyjoy is still straddling the line between conqueror and selfish idiot . This week , his sister comes to visit , and while the two squabble as always , she does give him some wise words - he should leave Winterfell before he dies there . It 's advice Theon would do well to heed , but his ego gets in the way . Surprisingly , Theon then shows us his more tender side , respectively speaking . He wants money taken to the farm where he found Bran and Rickon , but is told that would be a bad idea . Money is no way to silence someone , his loyal servant tells him , implying that killing is . So who is the Prince of Winterfell the title of this episode talks about ? Is it Theon , who now rules there ? Obvious , but unlikely . I think it 's more likely the title refers to Bran , who is learning tough lessons as every day goes by . Robb tells Talisa this week that kings spend their lives being brought up as princes , but that he was only ever brought up to be lord of Winterfell . Bran , on the other hand , is now being brought up as a prince , thrust into circumstances beyond his control . Osha might think he 's still a child , but Bran is becoming more princely , and in direct contrast to Joffrey , seems to realise just how much responsibility he has . After all , people have been executed for him . Even when Peeta is rescued from the Capitol and brought to District 13 , he 's still only seen through the eyes of Katniss . And to Katniss he 's now a threat , having been programmed by the Capitol to want to kill Katniss on sight . Katniss is , understandably , focused on the killing part , but in doing so misses the fact that mostly Peeta is still the sweet , strong Peeta we saw in The Hunger Games and Catching Fire . There are other characters too , that I really wanted to get to know more , but couldn 't because Katniss has limited interactions with them . Primarily , I wanted to spend more time with Finnick and Johanna . Although Katniss befriends them both , it 's difficult to understand just how much pain they 're in when it 's only Katniss describing it , rather than us seeing it directly . Mockingjay is not as action packed as the previous two books in The Hunger Games trilogy . For a start , because Katniss is in District 13 there is no direct hunt as there was in The Hunger Games and Catching Fire for a large chunk of the book . It 's only when she goes to the Capitol with her band of followers ( who sadly get killed off one by one ) , that we see Katniss back in an arena of sorts , and the action hots up . Watching Katniss 's group fight for her is inspiring , but also difficult , since most of them are doomed . Seeing some of my favourite characters perish was really tough , and I had to go back and read the scenes where they died over and over again to make sure they really had gone . And seeing how relationships broke down because of everything that happened was also pretty hard . Still , tough as that was , it was much tougher to read the last few chapters of the book . Although the rebels triumph over President Snow and the Capitol , the book hardly has a happy ending . Scene after scene brings more heartache , and even though Katniss and Peeta both survive and grow to love one another , there 's a bittersweet taste to everything . I can 't say I was surprised at the lack of a completely happy ending though . After all , The Hunger Games trilogy is based around the story of children being forced to kill each other , and how can a story like that have a happy ending without completely ignoring everything that came before . Collins does well to make sure that right up until the last page we 're still aware of the horrific circumstances Katniss and Peeta , and numerous others , found themselves in . While Mockingjay may initially seem like a weaker book than The Hunger Games and Catching Fire because of its slow burn and lack of action throughout , it 's actually the one that 's stayed with me the most . Having reread the ending a few times , while there is hope it 's still pretty bleak , and even just thinking about the end brings back that twisty knot in my stomach from when I first read the last few chapters . That 's a sign of a good book . Okay , I 'll admit it , I may be crying a little bit . This episode was really emotional , and it 's not even the end . Who knows what a mess I 'll be after the season finale . Annoying as Rachel can be , she was superb during It 's All Coming Back to Me Now . I couldn 't take my eyes off the screen , Lea Michele has such stage presence and amazing vocals . And Jesse St James 's face during the song was heartwrenching , he knows just how amazing this girl is , and thankfully he told Carmen Tibideaux that . Following New Directions were Vocal Adrenaline , fronted by Unique . Wade had a wobbly moment before going on stage , but Kurt and Mercedes came to the rescue and reminded him that Unique is amazing , and that he / she needed confidence to believe Vocal Adrenaline could succeed . As Kurt and Mercedes left Wade to get ready , he muttered that he might consider transferring schools next term . Could Wade / Unique be heading to McKinley for season four of Glee ? Vocal Adrenaline 's performance was amazing as always . The group is flawless - their vocals were great , and their dance moves were phenomenal . For a moment I wondered how Glee would swing it that New Directions won over Vocal Adrenaline . Then I stopped worrying . The reason New Directions won is because they work as a team , because yes , they may have lead singers , but without the rest of the group it just wouldn 't work . Vocal Adrenaline , fabulous as they were , relied on Wade / Unique , and so while it was right Wade / Unique won MVP , it was also right Vocal Adrenaline didn 't win Nationals . Since we 're talking about winning , let 's mention the judges , specifically Lindsay Lohan . Eh . I didn 't think she was that great , or that funny . Perez Hilton was alright , and the politician was sweet . Overall , not one of the best judging panels Glee has decided on . Still , props to them for voting on New Directions to win . After three seasons of waiting , it was heartwarming to see New Directions triumphant . And to see them treated as winners when they returned to school . All the slow - mo scenes at the end were really sweet . Although , and any Glee fan will bring this up , there was something missing . We got Finchel kissing , we got Tike kissing , we got Brittana kissing , we even got Will and Emma kissing ( and more ) . And yet , somehow , Klaine still managed to stand about 10 feet apart . What is going on ? Did the quota for gay couples who can act like they 're in a relationship get reached for this episode ? It 's a ridiculous situation , since Klaine is the most stable couple on the show , yet we 've only seen them show physical affection towards each other a couple of times . Most of the focus this season has been on the glee clubbers , and anytime Will has been on screen has generally been boring or cheesy . But this episode I loved his involvement when it came to New Directions ( I wasn 't too invested in him and Emma finally sleeping together , sweet as it was with Emma leaving him a pamphlet ) . After all , he 's the reason the glee kids are where they are - doing something they love and being great at it . There were lots of Will moments this episode but the one that stood out for me was right before he went into the rehearsal room just before the kids went on stage . Those silent seconds showed a teacher who loves his students , and wants them to do well . With all the non - teachering Will does , it 's easy to forget he really does care . He might not be able to speak Spanish well , he may miss completely when his students are in trouble , but he does care , and that 's one of the most important things a teacher can do . And caring was why Will won teacher of the year . In a touching moment the kids of New Directions all hugged Will one by one , thanking him for caring . It was a really emotional moment , not least because for me it wasn 't just acting - it was also the cast getting emotional about having to say goodbye to something that 's been their lives for the last few years . And most importantly of all , Tina and Rachel swap bodies , with Tina finally getting to find out what it 's like to be Rachel . Yes , she 's adored and gets all the solos , and Tina enjoys the standing ovation she gets as Rachel . But it also makes Tina realise Rachel puts a lot of pressure on herself . The sequence is hilarious , right up there with Glee 's spoof Christmas special in the Christmas episode . All the actors brilliantly portray their alternative characters - Matt Morrison has Sue 's walk down pat , Dianna Agron shakes her head just the way Sugar does , Chris Colfer has Finn 's mannerisms down . You have to give props to these guys for really knowing the characters they 're portraying , even though they 've spent the last however many months or years being other characters . Seeing her feelings reflected in Puck - and seeing him pull a knife - gave Coach Bieste the strength to leave Cooter , for real this time . And in one of the best moments this series , when Cooter asked Coach Bieste who would love her if she left him , Coach Bieste shouted back : " Me . " Glee is about loving yourself for who you are , and Coach Bieste discovered that in this episode . Puck too , discovered that he 's not worthless when Coach Bieste stood up for him , and arranged for him to take his geography test again . She and his geography teacher were impressed when he put on a dress for glee , showing his commitment to his teammates . All it took was for someone to show Puck he does matter . Alongside the more serious storylines were some lighter moments , although these still hinted at some deeper plots . There was Sue trying to get Kurt to wear a dress so New Directions could compete with Unique and Vocal Adrenaline . It started with an amusing scene with Kurt saying he never wore dresses - cut to Kurt dressed as Snooki for Halloween with Blaine as The Situation . Still , Kurt had a good point - just because he 's gay doesn 't mean he has to wear a dress . It was something he constantly pointed out to Sue as she tried to get him to wear a dress throughout the episode . And although Sue seemed like she was being insensitive on the one hand , on the other hand every time she referred to Wade and Unique she did use both pronouns , showing respect . Rachel showed she was still determined to get into NYADA , and in true Rachel style was calling and leaving message after message for Carmen Tibideaux ( Whoopi Goldberg ) . But in the end Rachel showed why her being annoying is a small price to pay - she has a true passion for performing , and in a moving speech to Carmen she showed that . Now it 's a case of waiting for Carmen to turn up to Nationals . Speaking of which , although the next episode focuses on Nationals , this week 's episode showed the glee club had already chosen their numbers for the competition . This is surprisingly early - usually New Directions waits until the last minute . The music To Cersei , Sansa is everything she was as a young girl - unsure , trapped , naive . So Cersei is determined to bestow upon Sansa the wisdom she has learnt over the years , offering to Sansa some small comfort , although her warnings are all to do with dire things . Cersei warns Sansa that her husband is not the person she will love - that honour will go to her children , no matter how horrible they are . Time hasn 't been good to him , he 's looking dirty and tired but he 's still far from defeated . Jaime is our central man of no honour - he 'll do anything to save himself . Unlike Cersei , who does have a conscience even if it is buried , Jaime has no qualms about his actions and no hesitation in betraying family . While his children and grandchildren are wreaking havoc , Tywin Lannister is still at Harrenhal , bonding with Arya of all people . An attempt has been made to kill him , and Tywin has ordered that everything be done to find the culprit . Once he 's issued his directive he goes back to being kind of Arya - the past few weeks have been full of Tywin disagreeing with one of his men and then turning to Arya for conversation . Tywin seems to be using Arya as some sort of confidant . However , even though he spends more time than I can believe speaking to a " servant " girl , he 's perfectly aware Arya is not who she says she is , picking up that she is higher born than she acts by just a few words in her speech . The Starks With Theon Greyjoy close behind them , Bran and Rickon don 't manage to run for long . This week 's episode dramatically finishes with Theon raising two charred bodies in front of the people of Winterfell . But with the bodies so badly burnt , how do we know they 're who Theon implies they are ? Robb is still flirting with Talisa , even though he 's engaged to someone else . Their flirting is hilarious , as it seems to mostly take place during discussions about amputation , or during amputations themselves . It seems to turn Robb on in some way , so it 'll be interesting to see where this goes ! Catelyn has a tough week , as she first comes to Jaime 's rescue , and then looks like she 's about to kill him when we last see her . She is a woman with honour , the complete opposite of Jaime . Or is she ? Jaime rightly points that she never loved Jon Snow , even though he was just a baby when he came to Winterfell . And when Jaime pushes her , and pushes her , Catelyn 's anger builds , until she asks Brienne to hand her sword over . Will Jaime still be alive the next time we see him ? While we 're with Brienne , she gets one of the most interesting lines this week : " Who wants to die defending a Lannister ? " Who , indeed ? The Baratheons Jorah visits the woman who wears a mask over her face , and has a strange exchange with her , where he promises that he will not betray Dany again . Did I miss something ? Did he betray Dany ? Have we seen the betrayal ? In which case I completely missed it . Or is the masked woman talking about something we haven 't seen , and somehow Jorah was involved in the case of the missing dragons ? Luckily , by the end of the episode , Dany knows where her dragons are . Unluckily , they 're been taken by Xaro Xhoan Daxos and the creepy looking member of the Thirteen who can be in multiple places at once . The two have hatched a plan to take over Qarth , and we see the remaining members of the Thirteen killed before Dany 's eyes . I 'm intrigued as to how Jon will respond to Mance Ryder 's men . Ygritte has challenged his perceptions of them , telling him they are more free than the people on the other side of the wall , that they live their own lives and question the rules imposed on Jon by his people . She also makes him think when she questions why he is fighting them , when he himself has said he is descended from the same people as them . He 's beginning to question everything he thinks he knows . The Greyjoys Not much nudity this week , there 's just one guy we see having a full body tattoo done . There is plenty of talk about sex , as Ygritte teases Jon to the point of exasperation with her crude words and actions . When you play the Game of Thrones . . . At first glance it can also apply to Theon , after all , what man with honour would kill a child ? And Theon killed two . But the look on Theon 's face at the end , as he sees the horrors of what he has done , shows guilt and terror over what he has done . A man without honour is cold and without emotion , and that 's definitely not Theon . In fact , most of his actions up to now have been due to his being too emotional . Theon is a man without sense , he 's cruel , he 's despicable , but until he loses his sense of humanity , is he a man without honour ? His honour , small as it is and even though only he can see it , comes from the fact that he still feels something when he sees those bodies . The 100 - a teen drama full of gorgeous people , carefully crafted settings , a lot of drama , and a good dash of romance ? Well , yes . But some . . .

Of the four books and films , this is the darkest , as it 's the first time we see someone innocent killed in present time . In Goblet of Fire Harry returns to school to discover the Triwizard Tournament is being held , and somehow finds himself named as a competitor . Surviving two challenges he heads into the third , which he thinks he wins with Cedric Diggory . Turns out it 's all an elaborate plan to bring Voldemort back . Cedric is killed , Voldemort returns to a human body , Harry faces off with him , and the world will never be the same again for the children of Hogwarts . The final scenes , from Harry going into the maze in the final task , to the end of the film are brilliantly done . While not quite as they were in my imagination , I feel all the elements really come together . The maze is sufficiently creepy , and that moment where Cedric and Harry decide to lift the cup together for a Hogwarts ' win are really moving . And then to the graveyard and Voldemort - the finest scenes done in the Harry Potter films up until now . Ralph Fiennes is amazing as Voldemort , all harsh lines , snake voiced and just generally embodying the role of bad guy without for a moment slipping into farce . He 's the perfect Voldemort . Also perfect in Brendan Gleeson as Mad - Eye Moody . He 's just as I imagined him in the book - scarred and looking exactly like he 's spent a lifetime battling dark foes . In the books there are few signs that Moody is actually Barty Crouch Jr , in fact , I think that twist crept up on me without me guessing until the final page or so before the reveal . In the film though , Gleeson plays Moody with a slight hint of sinister , giving enough of a wink to those who have read the book and know his real identity , and planting enough of a seed of doubt in the minds of those who haven 't . And of course , David Tennant is fabulous as Barty Crouch Jr , erasing all our memories of him as the kindly Doctor Who with his portrayal of the creepy , spoilt Barty . The young actors in Harry Potter really grew in this film , and for the first time I felt like they were truly acting . Particular praise must go to Matthew Lewis , who just is Neville Longbottom ; to James and Oliver Phelps as the Weasley twins , who bring a slice of comedy to the screen whenever they appear ; and to Clemence Poesy , who made me like Fleur Delacour . The Prince of Winterfell recap / review Well , after weeks of waiting Game of Thrones exploded with a bang ( literally ) as it turned into a fully fledged war film , leaving all trace of innocence and frivolous things behind . While this episode , Blackwater , did my least favourite film and television trick of having scenes in the dark , it really worked , right up until the final moment . The Lannisters Everything the Lannisters have been dreading ( even if they didn 't know it ) came to fruition this week - the walls of King 's Landing were breached , one of their most loyal soldiers turned his back on them , thousands of men were killed , and the best of the Lannisters was badly injured ( okay , maybe it was just us dreading that last one , and not so much Cersei and Tywin ) . Game of Thrones is all about shades of grey , and no one is all good or all bad . That said , the Lannisters are arguably on the wrong side of this fight ( as is Stannis ) and Robb Stark is on the right side . It 's a testament to how great a character Tyrion is that despite all the terrible behaviour exhibited by the Lannisters , we still root for them ( him ) . We saw all sides to Tyrion this week , starting with the scared and loving Tyrion who had to try and say goodbye to Shae . Piece by piece that Tyrion disappeared - literally , as he was covered by his armour . And although he showed a moment of weakness when he saw Sansa and Shae , putting on his armour was the start of truly battle worthy Tyrion . Still , it wasn 't enough to keep him from being hurt , and right now Tyrion is lying on the battlefield , bloody and bruised and on the verge of death . Will he survive ? I hope so . Even though Cersei was hiding out with the womenfolk during the battle , she was at the centre of the pivotal final scenes . Her story about the young lion cub scared of the bears and wolves in the forest was a beautifully told allegory for the battle raging across the Seven Kingdoms . But although her story ends with the lion cub triumphant , it 's clear Cersei isn 't talking about triumph in battle , she 's talking about triumph in death . Her words were a beautiful soundtrack and contrast to the battle scenes raging outside , as a group of men on horseback ride to the rescue of the Lannisters at King 's Landing . And those final moments , as Cersei lifts the bottle to Tommen 's lips and the doors burst open to show Tywin proclaiming the battle is won while slow - mo scenes of Stannis realising he 's lost play out are a brilliant climax to a fantastic episode . The Starks Sansa was representing for the Starks this week , and she did her family proud . From last season when she was one of Game of Thrones most annoying characters , she 's turned into a strong woman . The scene between Sansa and the Hound was , like the scene with Cersei telling the story of the lion cub , filled with wonderful contrasts . The Hound and Sansa are polar opposites - in looks , personality and life experience - but they seem to have a strange bond . It 's strong enough that the Hound offers to rescue Sansa , and that Sansa can tell the Hound he won 't hurt her , and he agrees . It didn 't start well , with much of his fleet being destroyed by the wildfire . But Stannis has revenge in mind , not just against the Lannisters - Stannis also has years of pent up tension and anger against his dead brother which he needs to release . And because of that , instead of dwelling on the destruction of his fleet Stannis forges ahead with a plan to get into King 's Landing . Game of Thrones was back to doing its season one favourite - playing important scenes out with a naked prostitute in the foreground for no good reason . This week it was a prostitute undressed by Bronn just before battle , as he and the Hound faced off . Still , it was the only real nudity this episode . This was a brilliant episode , and beautifully played out . It was an episode that really worked on contrasts , the best of which was the wildfire blowing up Stannis 's fleet of ships . From a distance the ships looked like they were home to a gorgeous firework display , up close they were the scene for hundreds of murders . My only worry is that Blackwater is the penultimate episode , and it was so , so good . Can the season finale possibly be better ? And if it is , just how good is it going to be ? Here 's the down low on Stephanie - she lives in New Jersey . Her husband cheated on her with her worst enemy and she 's now divorced , living in a flat with her hamster Rex . She works for her cousin Vinnie as a bounty hunter , tracking down people who haven 't answered their bail . Her best friend is Lula , a former prostitute who brings a new meaning to plus size and enjoys squeezing her frame into tight lycra . She hates guns , her cars are always getting destroyed , her grandmother is crazy and her mum wants her to settle down and get a proper job . I am so disappointed . I have stuck by Glee through the good times , the bad times and the very , very bad times ( and there have been quite a few of the latter ) . I 've looked at it kindly through rushed storylines , bad characterisations and dodgy songs . I 've tried to see the positive when fandom has been focusing on the negative ( and I 've wanted to join it ) . But the time has come for me to say that I 'm disappointed in Glee . And worse than that , not only was Kurt rejected from NYADA , we also didn 't see much reaction from him about it , unless you count the few seconds before Rachel opened her letter . We have no clue as to where Kurt 's going , what he 'll do , what his back up plan is , how he feels . There are cliffhangers , and then there are just large holes in plot where it 's clear no one behind the scenes has thought about a character . ( For the missing scene that should have been in Goodbye , see a talented fan 's version here . ) By contrast , it seemed like Glee was determined to get Rachel to succeed , even though she messed up her original NYADA audition . She choked , and yes , she 's talented but you don 't get a second chance at things like that . Glee went from being an ensemble show with some leading characters to being all about Rachel ( and Finn to an extent ) in just a couple of scenes . As soon as Rachel 's NYADA acceptance was revealed , Glee seemed to forget all its other characters . We didn 't get to say goodbye to them . Instead , we got to watch them say goodbye to Rachel like she was the only person we 've cared about for three seasons . And we said hello to Rachel as she stepped into a new world . There was no closure . Rachel will get a brand new start next season . Not only is she in a new city , at a new school , but she 's also not with Finn anymore . I have no doubt he 'll still be around next season , but the dynamic will be different . This episode Finn really stepped up . As much as I hated the Rachel focus , if it had been balanced out with the other characters , I would have loved the scene between her and Finn . It would have been moving if I hadn 't been seething over Kurt not getting into NYADA , but I did still manage to be impressed by Finn 's stepping aside . I 'm not sure how I feel about his decision to join the army , but I guess we 'll see how that works out next season . Ooh , actually , I do have a bit of a moan about Finn . What was up with the non - graduating glee clubbers deciding they needed to dedicate their song mostly to Finn . Artie said to him : " Even before glee club was kind of cool , you had our backs . You were on the football team , you were one of the most popular kids in school , you had a lot to lose . People forget the sacrifices you made . We wanted to thank you . WHAT ? From what I remember , Finn might not have thrown anyone in a dumpster , but he certainly stood by and watched it happen . He might have let Kurt take his jacket off , but he still gave the command for the rest of the team to go ahead and throw Kurt in . From what I remember , Finn was the one who had the biggest struggle choosing between glee club and the football team , and choosing to defend Kurt or just stand by and watch him suffer . So when exactly did Finn have the glee club 's backs ? We got a little bit of closure with some of the other characters . Santana 's storyline was well rounded out , mostly . As much as I find Brittana sweet , I do think Brittany has been holding Santana back . Yes , they love each other , but they 're not equals in their relationship ( for a great analysis of Brittana , see what Tumblr 's Zavocado said here ) . So sad as it was that Brittany wasn 't graduating , I 'm looking forward to hopefully seeing Santana really make a go of it in New York . It was also lovely to see Santana 's relationship with her mother ( played by Gloria Estefan ) and the acknowledgement of that scene months ago where Santana 's grandmother rejected her for her sexuality and that hasn 't been mentioned since . Mercedes saw some success , and is heading to LA to be a backing singer . She deserves it , but her fate post - McKinley just seemed to be thrown in because the writers had to do something with her , not because they wanted to . Mike , going to dance school in Chicago , suffered similarly at the hands of Glee 's writers . Puck passed his geography exam with the help of his classmates , especially Quinn ( who had a really sweet scene with Sue Sylvester ) . The two had a really strange scene where they kissed . Excuse me , isn 't that Quinn cheating on Joe ? I know they 're seeing where things are going , but still , kissing your ex is a surefire way to throw a spanner in the works with a potential boyfriend . And also , isn 't cheating what led to Quinn getting pregnant ? And then to her getting Finn back , then losing Finn , then turning into a goth and getting all crazy about the baby she gave up for adoption ? When has cheating ever resulted in anything good for Quinn ? I 'm just so disappointed that Glee didn 't give me , us , the respect we deserve . We 've stood behind Glee because it 's a programme about so many different kinds of people , but in the end it didn 't respect us because it made Goodbye all about one character . Anything that came earlier in the episode was negated by the big Rachel goodbye . Rachel got to move on while all the other characters we love stayed exactly where they were , and we stayed with them . The music I enjoyed You Get What You Give and thought it worked well as a handover number from the graduating New Directions to the non - graduating ones . I particularly liked the set up , and the way it ended with those not graduating standing and facing their predecessors . In My Life was good , but may have been more appropriate for the graduating seniors to sing . What I liked best about the group numbers was that they were group numbers , no one really took prominence , everyone worked together . Forever Young was typically Will Schuester - a bit bland - and Glory Days was typically Puck and Finn - rocky and fun . What Glee did well Like last week , I need to calm down and rewatch this episode to find something truly amazing . Unlike Nationals , where I have to rewatch because I loved so much about it , this week I need to rewatch to find something outstanding because I 'm still filled with disappointment at how Goodbye ended . Next week Is anyone else getting a bit bored of Cersei ? She 's still a great character but she seems to be stuck in a rut - focusing on how Tyrion married off her younger daughter . She 's been going on about this for weeks now , too selfish to see that it 's actually for Myrcella 's good . Cersei is also still defending Joffrey , despite admitting last week that he 's the Meanest Character on Television ™ ( okay , she just admitted he 's unlovable to anyone but his mother ) . This week she 's saying he 's not old enough to go into battle . When Tyrion counters by reminding her that Jaime was fighting wars at 17 , Cersei pulls out her trump card in revenge . She 's found Tyrion 's secret girlfriend , and is holding her captive and having her beaten . She knows love is Tyrion 's weak spot , judging by his history of marrying a woman who it turned out was only paid to sleep with him . Luckily for Tyrion , the woman Cersei is holding is not Shae , it 's some other poor prostitute , who plays the role of Tyrion 's girlfriend , reminding him that he owes her . While worrying about Shae , Tyrion also has the bigger problem of Stannis Baratheon 's fleet coming ever closer . He reads some books to try and get some battle tips , prompting a humourous scene involving Tyrion and Bronn . These two need to be in their own buddy film ( if you don 't know what that looks like , watch this fan - made trailer ) . Still , the most important Tyrion scenes this episode involve Varys , who 's back after a few weeks ' absence . He provides a good sounding board for Tyrion , and also gives his own input on keeping Stannis out of the city . But his most important input is when he reveals his spies ( they stretch far and wide ) have found out Danaerys Targaryen is in Qarth , and that she has dragons . Tyrion dismisses it as rumour - he 'll soon wish he hadn 't . Ooh , so when we left Catelyn Stark last week it looked like she was about to slice Jaime Lannister 's head off . But no , she did worse than that - she freed Jaime . While her son , the King in the North , was away . Without his permission . Betrayal . It 's a sign of how desperate Catelyn is . Just a few episodes ago she would never have thought to go against her son , never have been naive enough to think her favour would be returned by the Lannisters . But since then Catelyn has learnt her two sons are being held captive ( she thinks ) at Winterfell , the body of her dead husband has been returned to her , and Littlefinger has whispered deceitful words into her ear . His woes are growing by the day . He 's now lost his most previous pawn , and unbeknownst to him , Tywin Lannister is marching towards him . As if that wasn 't enough , he 's growing ever closer to Talisa , until finally the dam breaks and the two confess that neither of them want Robb to marry " the Frey girl " . The scene between Robb and Talisa is sweet and the second romantic scene of the episode , and it 's also full of subtext . Their move round the tent is a dance of sorts , even though they 're both as far from a ball as one can get . Robb 's flirting is really cute , and he 's fast catching up to Jon Snow as the loveliest male in Westeros for me . We find out a bit more about Talisa ( privileged girl who learnt there 's more to the world and wanted to do good ) , and Robb finds a real confidant . And it all ends in a passionate embrace on the floor of Robb 's tent . Meanwhile , Arya is panicking because Tywin Lannister has decided to march towards Robb 's army in the dead of night . She runs to find Jaqen H ' gar to give him Tywin 's name as her third kill , but he 's nowhere to be found . When she does track him down , it 's too late and Jaqen can 't promise her that Tywin will be killed as fast as Arya needs him to be . Nearly all the major characters on Games of Thrones have confidants who are below them in stature ( Tyrion and Bronn , Robb and Talisa , Tywin and Arya ) , and Stannis has Davos . The latter is a self - made man of sorts , and I get the impression Stannis is deeply jealous of him . After all , Davos may have been punished for being a smuggler , but he 's always done things on his own terms , been honourable and not given in to anyone else . Unlike Stannis , who spent his years living in the shadow of Robert Baratheon , and doing exactly what he was told to do . Stannis may be the rightful heir of King 's Landing - until Robert 's true son returns - but I don 't think Stannis is trying to win the throne because it 's the right thing to do . He 's doing it as a form of revenge for all those years he spent doing what other people told him to do , and to get back at Robert for betraying him and giving Renly what he believed belonged to him . More wandering in the snow this week for Jon , only now he 's the prisoner . Ygritte takes him back to her gang of wildlings , who almost kill him before Ygritte reveals he 's the bastard son of Ned Stark , thereby saving his life . As she reminds him , the two are even now . It turns out the wildlings have also captured Qhorin Halfhand , as he and his men set off to find Jon when he didn 't return after he was meant to kill Ygritte . Halfhand comes up with a plan to get the wildlings to like Jon by pretending he thinks Jon is a traitor . The hope is Jon can infiltrate the wildlings and take them down from the outside . Meanwhile , elsewhere beyond the Wall Sam and two of the other men from the Night 's Watch are digging holes in the snow when they come across a stone chest bearing the markings of the First Men . Inside the chest is a Night 's Watch cloak and knives made of obsidian . It 's not clear what the significance of the discovery is , but by the look on Sam 's face , it 's clear it is significant . Theon Greyjoy is still straddling the line between conqueror and selfish idiot . This week , his sister comes to visit , and while the two squabble as always , she does give him some wise words - he should leave Winterfell before he dies there . It 's advice Theon would do well to heed , but his ego gets in the way . Surprisingly , Theon then shows us his more tender side , respectively speaking . He wants money taken to the farm where he found Bran and Rickon , but is told that would be a bad idea . Money is no way to silence someone , his loyal servant tells him , implying that killing is . So who is the Prince of Winterfell the title of this episode talks about ? Is it Theon , who now rules there ? Obvious , but unlikely . I think it 's more likely the title refers to Bran , who is learning tough lessons as every day goes by . Robb tells Talisa this week that kings spend their lives being brought up as princes , but that he was only ever brought up to be lord of Winterfell . Bran , on the other hand , is now being brought up as a prince , thrust into circumstances beyond his control . Osha might think he 's still a child , but Bran is becoming more princely , and in direct contrast to Joffrey , seems to realise just how much responsibility he has . After all , people have been executed for him . Even when Peeta is rescued from the Capitol and brought to District 13 , he 's still only seen through the eyes of Katniss . And to Katniss he 's now a threat , having been programmed by the Capitol to want to kill Katniss on sight . Katniss is , understandably , focused on the killing part , but in doing so misses the fact that mostly Peeta is still the sweet , strong Peeta we saw in The Hunger Games and Catching Fire . There are other characters too , that I really wanted to get to know more , but couldn 't because Katniss has limited interactions with them . Primarily , I wanted to spend more time with Finnick and Johanna . Although Katniss befriends them both , it 's difficult to understand just how much pain they 're in when it 's only Katniss describing it , rather than us seeing it directly . Mockingjay is not as action packed as the previous two books in The Hunger Games trilogy . For a start , because Katniss is in District 13 there is no direct hunt as there was in The Hunger Games and Catching Fire for a large chunk of the book . It 's only when she goes to the Capitol with her band of followers ( who sadly get killed off one by one ) , that we see Katniss back in an arena of sorts , and the action hots up . Watching Katniss 's group fight for her is inspiring , but also difficult , since most of them are doomed . Seeing some of my favourite characters perish was really tough , and I had to go back and read the scenes where they died over and over again to make sure they really had gone . And seeing how relationships broke down because of everything that happened was also pretty hard . Still , tough as that was , it was much tougher to read the last few chapters of the book . Although the rebels triumph over President Snow and the Capitol , the book hardly has a happy ending . Scene after scene brings more heartache , and even though Katniss and Peeta both survive and grow to love one another , there 's a bittersweet taste to everything . I can 't say I was surprised at the lack of a completely happy ending though . After all , The Hunger Games trilogy is based around the story of children being forced to kill each other , and how can a story like that have a happy ending without completely ignoring everything that came before . Collins does well to make sure that right up until the last page we 're still aware of the horrific circumstances Katniss and Peeta , and numerous others , found themselves in . While Mockingjay may initially seem like a weaker book than The Hunger Games and Catching Fire because of its slow burn and lack of action throughout , it 's actually the one that 's stayed with me the most . Having reread the ending a few times , while there is hope it 's still pretty bleak , and even just thinking about the end brings back that twisty knot in my stomach from when I first read the last few chapters . That 's a sign of a good book . Okay , I 'll admit it , I may be crying a little bit . This episode was really emotional , and it 's not even the end . Who knows what a mess I 'll be after the season finale . Annoying as Rachel can be , she was superb during It 's All Coming Back to Me Now . I couldn 't take my eyes off the screen , Lea Michele has such stage presence and amazing vocals . And Jesse St James 's face during the song was heartwrenching , he knows just how amazing this girl is , and thankfully he told Carmen Tibideaux that . Following New Directions were Vocal Adrenaline , fronted by Unique . Wade had a wobbly moment before going on stage , but Kurt and Mercedes came to the rescue and reminded him that Unique is amazing , and that he / she needed confidence to believe Vocal Adrenaline could succeed . As Kurt and Mercedes left Wade to get ready , he muttered that he might consider transferring schools next term . Could Wade / Unique be heading to McKinley for season four of Glee ? Vocal Adrenaline 's performance was amazing as always . The group is flawless - their vocals were great , and their dance moves were phenomenal . For a moment I wondered how Glee would swing it that New Directions won over Vocal Adrenaline . Then I stopped worrying . The reason New Directions won is because they work as a team , because yes , they may have lead singers , but without the rest of the group it just wouldn 't work . Vocal Adrenaline , fabulous as they were , relied on Wade / Unique , and so while it was right Wade / Unique won MVP , it was also right Vocal Adrenaline didn 't win Nationals . Since we 're talking about winning , let 's mention the judges , specifically Lindsay Lohan . Eh . I didn 't think she was that great , or that funny . Perez Hilton was alright , and the politician was sweet . Overall , not one of the best judging panels Glee has decided on . Still , props to them for voting on New Directions to win . After three seasons of waiting , it was heartwarming to see New Directions triumphant . And to see them treated as winners when they returned to school . All the slow - mo scenes at the end were really sweet . Although , and any Glee fan will bring this up , there was something missing . We got Finchel kissing , we got Tike kissing , we got Brittana kissing , we even got Will and Emma kissing ( and more ) . And yet , somehow , Klaine still managed to stand about 10 feet apart . What is going on ? Did the quota for gay couples who can act like they 're in a relationship get reached for this episode ? It 's a ridiculous situation , since Klaine is the most stable couple on the show , yet we 've only seen them show physical affection towards each other a couple of times . Most of the focus this season has been on the glee clubbers , and anytime Will has been on screen has generally been boring or cheesy . But this episode I loved his involvement when it came to New Directions ( I wasn 't too invested in him and Emma finally sleeping together , sweet as it was with Emma leaving him a pamphlet ) . After all , he 's the reason the glee kids are where they are - doing something they love and being great at it . There were lots of Will moments this episode but the one that stood out for me was right before he went into the rehearsal room just before the kids went on stage . Those silent seconds showed a teacher who loves his students , and wants them to do well . With all the non - teachering Will does , it 's easy to forget he really does care . He might not be able to speak Spanish well , he may miss completely when his students are in trouble , but he does care , and that 's one of the most important things a teacher can do . And caring was why Will won teacher of the year . In a touching moment the kids of New Directions all hugged Will one by one , thanking him for caring . It was a really emotional moment , not least because for me it wasn 't just acting - it was also the cast getting emotional about having to say goodbye to something that 's been their lives for the last few years . And most importantly of all , Tina and Rachel swap bodies , with Tina finally getting to find out what it 's like to be Rachel . Yes , she 's adored and gets all the solos , and Tina enjoys the standing ovation she gets as Rachel . But it also makes Tina realise Rachel puts a lot of pressure on herself . The sequence is hilarious , right up there with Glee 's spoof Christmas special in the Christmas episode . All the actors brilliantly portray their alternative characters - Matt Morrison has Sue 's walk down pat , Dianna Agron shakes her head just the way Sugar does , Chris Colfer has Finn 's mannerisms down . You have to give props to these guys for really knowing the characters they 're portraying , even though they 've spent the last however many months or years being other characters . Seeing her feelings reflected in Puck - and seeing him pull a knife - gave Coach Bieste the strength to leave Cooter , for real this time . And in one of the best moments this series , when Cooter asked Coach Bieste who would love her if she left him , Coach Bieste shouted back : " Me . " Glee is about loving yourself for who you are , and Coach Bieste discovered that in this episode . Puck too , discovered that he 's not worthless when Coach Bieste stood up for him , and arranged for him to take his geography test again . She and his geography teacher were impressed when he put on a dress for glee , showing his commitment to his teammates . All it took was for someone to show Puck he does matter . Alongside the more serious storylines were some lighter moments , although these still hinted at some deeper plots . There was Sue trying to get Kurt to wear a dress so New Directions could compete with Unique and Vocal Adrenaline . It started with an amusing scene with Kurt saying he never wore dresses - cut to Kurt dressed as Snooki for Halloween with Blaine as The Situation . Still , Kurt had a good point - just because he 's gay doesn 't mean he has to wear a dress . It was something he constantly pointed out to Sue as she tried to get him to wear a dress throughout the episode . And although Sue seemed like she was being insensitive on the one hand , on the other hand every time she referred to Wade and Unique she did use both pronouns , showing respect . Rachel showed she was still determined to get into NYADA , and in true Rachel style was calling and leaving message after message for Carmen Tibideaux ( Whoopi Goldberg ) . But in the end Rachel showed why her being annoying is a small price to pay - she has a true passion for performing , and in a moving speech to Carmen she showed that . Now it 's a case of waiting for Carmen to turn up to Nationals . Speaking of which , although the next episode focuses on Nationals , this week 's episode showed the glee club had already chosen their numbers for the competition . This is surprisingly early - usually New Directions waits until the last minute . The music To Cersei , Sansa is everything she was as a young girl - unsure , trapped , naive . So Cersei is determined to bestow upon Sansa the wisdom she has learnt over the years , offering to Sansa some small comfort , although her warnings are all to do with dire things . Cersei warns Sansa that her husband is not the person she will love - that honour will go to her children , no matter how horrible they are . Time hasn 't been good to him , he 's looking dirty and tired but he 's still far from defeated . Jaime is our central man of no honour - he 'll do anything to save himself . Unlike Cersei , who does have a conscience even if it is buried , Jaime has no qualms about his actions and no hesitation in betraying family . While his children and grandchildren are wreaking havoc , Tywin Lannister is still at Harrenhal , bonding with Arya of all people . An attempt has been made to kill him , and Tywin has ordered that everything be done to find the culprit . Once he 's issued his directive he goes back to being kind of Arya - the past few weeks have been full of Tywin disagreeing with one of his men and then turning to Arya for conversation . Tywin seems to be using Arya as some sort of confidant . However , even though he spends more time than I can believe speaking to a " servant " girl , he 's perfectly aware Arya is not who she says she is , picking up that she is higher born than she acts by just a few words in her speech . The Starks With Theon Greyjoy close behind them , Bran and Rickon don 't manage to run for long . This week 's episode dramatically finishes with Theon raising two charred bodies in front of the people of Winterfell . But with the bodies so badly burnt , how do we know they 're who Theon implies they are ? Robb is still flirting with Talisa , even though he 's engaged to someone else . Their flirting is hilarious , as it seems to mostly take place during discussions about amputation , or during amputations themselves . It seems to turn Robb on in some way , so it 'll be interesting to see where this goes ! Catelyn has a tough week , as she first comes to Jaime 's rescue , and then looks like she 's about to kill him when we last see her . She is a woman with honour , the complete opposite of Jaime . Or is she ? Jaime rightly points that she never loved Jon Snow , even though he was just a baby when he came to Winterfell . And when Jaime pushes her , and pushes her , Catelyn 's anger builds , until she asks Brienne to hand her sword over . Will Jaime still be alive the next time we see him ? While we 're with Brienne , she gets one of the most interesting lines this week : " Who wants to die defending a Lannister ? " Who , indeed ? The Baratheons Jorah visits the woman who wears a mask over her face , and has a strange exchange with her , where he promises that he will not betray Dany again . Did I miss something ? Did he betray Dany ? Have we seen the betrayal ? In which case I completely missed it . Or is the masked woman talking about something we haven 't seen , and somehow Jorah was involved in the case of the missing dragons ? Luckily , by the end of the episode , Dany knows where her dragons are . Unluckily , they 're been taken by Xaro Xhoan Daxos and the creepy looking member of the Thirteen who can be in multiple places at once . The two have hatched a plan to take over Qarth , and we see the remaining members of the Thirteen killed before Dany 's eyes . I 'm intrigued as to how Jon will respond to Mance Ryder 's men . Ygritte has challenged his perceptions of them , telling him they are more free than the people on the other side of the wall , that they live their own lives and question the rules imposed on Jon by his people . She also makes him think when she questions why he is fighting them , when he himself has said he is descended from the same people as them . He 's beginning to question everything he thinks he knows . The Greyjoys Not much nudity this week , there 's just one guy we see having a full body tattoo done . There is plenty of talk about sex , as Ygritte teases Jon to the point of exasperation with her crude words and actions . When you play the Game of Thrones . . . At first glance it can also apply to Theon , after all , what man with honour would kill a child ? And Theon killed two . But the look on Theon 's face at the end , as he sees the horrors of what he has done , shows guilt and terror over what he has done . A man without honour is cold and without emotion , and that 's definitely not Theon . In fact , most of his actions up to now have been due to his being too emotional . Theon is a man without sense , he 's cruel , he 's despicable , but until he loses his sense of humanity , is he a man without honour ? His honour , small as it is and even though only he can see it , comes from the fact that he still feels something when he sees those bodies . The 100 - a teen drama full of gorgeous people , carefully crafted settings , a lot of drama , and a good dash of romance ? Well , yes . But some . . .

You can see from the picture that we are , unfortunately , down to five chicks . When last we discussed chickens , we were concerned that one of our chicks did not seem to be growing at all . Poor Tiny peeped and squirmed for most of that first weekend while we tried to get her to drink and eat , but in the end there was nothing we could do . In the mean time , the remaining chickens are suitably ridiculous , which is why we love them . Lest you fear that I will let you escape without your dose of knitting , here is a little lovey that I made to send out with last month 's baby cardigan . This is not for the baby , however ; it is for the new big sister so that she doesn 't have to feel entirely left out of all the gift - showering that tends to accompany new babies . And last , for your viewing pleasure , some natural works of art . Does anyone else see the face of Bambi - - or maybe Brother Fox - - in this paint - by - numbers - ish chunk of bark ? I came across it on my walk last week . Tempted as I was to bring it home and hang it by the coop to see if it would freak out the chickens , I thought it might be better to leave it for others to enjoy , which I hope they did . Below are a flick carder and a brand spankin ' new Zoom Loom , both of which , as you can clearly see , I have already been using . They were the only items on my Reallyreallyreally Want To Find it at Rhinebeck list . I found them around lunch time at the giant and very crowded Carolina Homespun booth , which is usually a good place to find tools . I almost didn 't see the ZL , even though I thought I was searching very carefully for it . I found the flick carder at the far end of the booth , after I had ( I thought ) shopped the rest of the store . So I got into line and waited . And waited . And waited . Did I mention it was crowded ? There were some wireless issues , too . And only one register . And A LOT of people . While I was waiting , my view was limited to the other booths , the back of the nice lady in front of me , and a display of little bitty stuff that I wasn 't interested in . It wasn 't until I was at the register - - 25 minutes later - - that I could finally see into the booth again . Whereupon I beheld the long sought after ZL . Not that I could reach it from my place in the line . I nearly passed out at the thought of standing in that line again to pay for the ZL . And , as nice as they seemed on the surface , I wasn 't entirely sure that , if I stepped out of line for a second to grab the loom , the people behind me would not just swarm the register and conveniently forget they had ever seen me . Just in time , though , my head cleared and my panic subsided enough for me to realize that I could ask the cashier to charge me for the loom and then go get it . Which is exactly what I did , and just as well . I did not see either of my prizes in any other booth , although that doesn 't mean much given the crowds ( impossible to see through ) and the fact that we skipped almost half of the barns this year . And last , the soft and fluffy fiber . In spite of my perpetual claim that I have more than enough fiber , in the end it was inconceivable to me that I might leave Rhinebeck without buying more . I came across this naturally dyed Corriedale at Handspun by Stefania and developed a major crush on that particular shade of yellow ( dyed in chamomile ) . I didn 't buy it right away , since I have more than enough fiber , but I also didn 't see any other shades of yellow quite that appealing , and just before the festival closed I went back for it and two of its friends ( madder + indigo and fustic + indigo ) . And that , aside from the unusual amount of time we spent waiting in lines ( booths , lunch , trying to leave ) , is my Rhinebeck story . The Bailey 's and the loot have done their job and I think I 'm just about ready to try my kids out again , on a strictly probationary basis . Wish me luck . We 're worried about the one that Isabel is holding . She is noticeably smaller than the rest and we can 't tell if she is growing . Isabel has claimed her and promises that the chick will be just fine now that she has attained the status of " chosen one . " There may be something in this . The bird claimed by Isabel the last time , Gertie , is the same bird that got separated from the flock a few years ago , escaped whatever animal it was that tore a bunch of her feathers out and scratched up her neck , and managed to find her way back to us after spending the night out in the wild . New birds are not the only excitement around here . Tomorrow is my annual pilgrimage to the Sheep and Wool Festival at Rhinebeck . I always think I 'm going to spend the day there and not spend a lot of money . This is a laughable idea . You don 't go to Rhinebeck for the purpose of not spending money in the same way that you don 't go to a restaurant in order to not eat or a bar in order to not drink . It 's just that pointless . I can hear you chuckling over my deluded state . Will I never learn ? So what happened to make me toss aside my plans with such spectacular results ? Nothing but a lot of rain and a little bit of grumpiness . You are looking at one hour 's worth of retail therapy , the direct result of spending the first part of the day standing in the pouring rain while the homecoming parade drove by us in buses to protect the band from the damp . The fact that I was so late getting to the festival that most of my friends were on their way home by the time I got there only fueled my funk and I am forced to admit that I succumbed to the impulse to purchase at the very first booth I went to and at surprisingly regular intervals thereafter . Shameless . Excessive . Entirely Lacking in Discipline . I am properly embarrassed by my fiber lapse . I do not , however , regret the buttons . Anyway , must run . I was supposed to work today ( I 'll save you the trouble : HAHAHAHAHA ! Will she never learn ? ) , but instead I ended up doing a great many things to prepare for the journey : car wash , road trip snacks , early dinner prep so I can get to sleep early in preparation for the 4 : 40 a . m . departure , etc . Now we 're headed off to riding lessons or - - in my world - - guaranteed knitting time . Any wagers on how much stuff I 'll bring back from Rhinebeck ? I 'm sorry to report that the next knitting project is a sea of unrelenting brown - ness . To add to the burden , it will continue in its brown - ness for the next 4 . 5 skeins , about 900 yards . Also , the weight of the project and the nature of the pattern make my hands tired , so , while I would normally not see 900 yards of worsted as an insurmountable obstacle , in this case I feel a little daunted . Do you love it as much as I do ? It is the perfect yarn for fall and the promise of a few minutes alone with it encourages me to leave 5 minutes early for the bus each afternoon . Don 't tell my husband . I had an Unintended Caffeine Incident this morning . I 've been a little tired this week , so when I looked at my work goals and realized just how much I would have to get done today in order to meet them , my first thought was " caffeine . " I don 't drink regular coffee regularly , partly because I don 't drink coffee every day and can 't cope with that squeezy headache you get when you skip your coffee and partly because caffeine makes me very chatty ( among other things ) and the dog / cats / birds don 't approve of excess conversation . If I were privy to important government secrets , one or two cups of the good stuff would be enough to create an international security crisis . The benefit of all this is that when I do drink regular coffee , the caffeine kicks in immediately and will not be denied . I have been known to clean entire kitchens ( including the fridge and the dusty nooks in the backs of the drawers ) on one oversized cup of Italian Roast . Basically , I can 't sit down until the effect wears off , so I try to use it both sparingly and strategically . It turns out that I should not self - caffeinate unless I have very specific goals in mind , none of which involve sitting still and focusing . About half way through my coffee this morning , after editing a mere paragraph - - about one quarter of a page out of the 36 pages remaining to be edited today - - I decided that I would be a lot more comfortable if I had a foot rest . Now . Only the foot rest was upside down because I was using it ( duh ) to temporarily store scrap - booking supplies . I don 't scrap - book , but I was overcome by sentiment around the time of Isabel 's Bat Mitzvah . I got over it , but the rubber stamps and bits of ribbon and fancy paper have been sitting in the foot rest for the last six months waiting to be dealt with . Eventually . Only it seemed , under the influence of the coffee , that this might be the best possible time to put the scrap book together . Just a few minutes of work , since I was moving the foot rest anyway . The scrap book has a cut - out in the cover for a picture and there 's no point in doing this kind of a job halfway , so I dug the Bat Mitzvah pictures out of a different office floor pile , where I also found some pictures and albums that needed to be boxed up immediately for my MIL in Florida and others that should be moved without delay to Isabel 's room and more even that belonged in my room , ASAP . And a framed picture that would go really nicely on the book case in the family room , the overwhelming barrenness of which would surely crowd all other thoughts out of my head until I fixed it . Now . Since I was making so much important progress , I decided that it was high time to put away all the papers and leftover invitatBreathe ! Oooh . Now that I look at that picture , I can see my desk and that reminds me that I 'm supposed to be getting a lot of work done today . The other half of my coffee is stone cold by now and it was kind of bitter to begin with , so maybe a fresh cup would be a good idea . And where is that damned foot rest ? Extra shelves made their way into my office for yarn / fiber / magazine storage and gave me the chance to sort through the accumulation of yarn and paper debris that has been slowly taking over . Score 1 for a neater and happier work environment . Too bad it didn 't actually help me work . They contain bookcases . I agree that the main hall is an odd place for book cases ( and armoires and those funky hide - away desks with the flip down writing surface ) but our house ( due mostly to a poor choice in hiring an architect with no residential experience and my subsequent interference in architectural matters ) has some less than ideal design features . When these " features " are combined with the size of my family and our unrestrained reading / book buying / library habits , you can imagine how quickly we run out of storage space . Also , we part with books only if we ( a ) hate them or ( b ) leave them out in such heavy rain that they get moldy . No use suggesting that we try to cull the herd . We had some guests over the weekend . Several were invited by my daughter for what is commonly known as a " sleepover , " although this term , as we all know , is wildly inaccurate at best . In this case , it was more of a prowl - the - mall - eat - lots - of - pizza - watch - horrible - movies - collapse - in - the - wee - hours - over . They also ate waffles . Several hours after the sun came up , but well before the sleeping beauties made their first appearance , I found this little guy camping in the chicken coop . I don 't know how he survived the night in there , as my hens are as cranky at night as my daughter is the day after a " sleepover . " All the same , there he was , trying to make himself small and unnoticeable . Not an easy job for a fist - sized amphibian . The answer is yes , of course . It was a bit of both , but in the end I got enough stuff done to leave home with a mostly clear conscience and a reasonable expectation that I wouldn 't have to spend the entire vacation in a panic over the stuff that didn 't get done . More importantly , nobody had to be locked out of the house , no one had to seek professional help to deal with the lingering trauma , and the panic was kept to a minimum . Insanely beautiful , no ? There were also random bands of monkeys that liked to play in the trees near the pool , but they were not terribly cooperative about having their pictures taken . There will be more , and more beautiful pictures , along with some stories , another time . It turns out that only 30 or 40 reminders were necessary . She finished the notes and we figured we would mail them on Sunday , and when we forgot to do that , I figured we would mail them Monday when we returned the overdue library books and got cash from the ATM . Monday - - i . e . , the day we were leaving THE COUNTRY - - turned out be be busier than anticipated , which is the kind of development that would surprise no one except us . No biggie . Airports have ATMs and there was a library book drop and a mailbox at our second favorite library , which was conveniently located directly on the way to the airport . Or so I thought . The library and the book drop were right where we expected them to be , but the mailbox has moved on . Not a problem . Airports probably have ATMs and mailboxes , right ? So there . Not that we saw one at our local airport . But , again , no big deal . There was always the Chicago airport , or Miami International , or the hotel in Miami ( seriously , it was a loooong travel day ) . Which , of course , is what we did . And we meant , of course , to mail them from Miami International as soon as we landed . Or from the hotel in Miami , even though we spent a total of only 7 hours there , including the 5 during which we slept . Or , from O ' Hare , where we would surely find a mailbox during our several hours of layover . I bought the spindle and fiber last summer . I had already spun the first chunk of the fiber and started on the second when I decided that a Turkish spindle would make the best international travel spindle ever . It is sturdy , has no hooks or sharp parts that would upset the nice people in charge of airport security , and it disassembles for safe transport so I don 't have to worry about it breaking in my bag . Also , the yarn comes off the spindle already wound into a nice center pull ball , meaning that I wouldn 't need to take along any paraphernalia for winding off either the singles or the plied yarn . Yay me . I have never before been in such a mood . I have , of course , seen eye - popping pictures of gradient yarn wound in pattern and long ago concluded that I was not the sort of person who would wind on in a way that takes longer than the actual spinning . I even tried winding on some of my singles in pattern just to confirm that I was certainly not that kind of person . You can guess the rest of the story , and while you giggling over how easy it is to convert me into that kind of spinner , you should pause just long enough to be thankful that I did not post every stinking picture I took of every stinking change in the color pattern . It is like watching a kaleidoscope and I am hooked . But not hooked enough to wind my singles that way . I really do have some standards , you know . Posted by 1 . Number of days until we leave THE COUNTRY ( I 'm a little freaked out by this part , can you tell ? ) : 6 , but only if you are generous enough to count today , which is almost over , and Monday , which is the day we leave . 2 . Number of suitcases packed : none ; clothes are all dirty and we 're not really sure where the suitcases are . They 're duffel bags anyway . We are still not mature enough to own " suitcases " and wouldn 't even know where to look for such a thing as a " valise " 11 . Number of children who don 't actually own enough shorts to go on vacation for 10 days to Central America : 2 / 4 . Could be worse . 13 . Number of softball / baseball games to be watched : Five if the teams lose , seven if they win . I sense a moral confict coming on . 21 . Number of post - school papers / projects / leftover supplies taking oer my kitchen counter : not sure I can count that high . Certainly the level falls somewhere on the continuum between " Fire Hazard " and " Candidate for Hoarders " Item 10 : do laundry while working . Or really , on occasional breaks from work . There 's nothing like some boring work to make folding laundry seem like a treat . Or some boring laundry to make work seem like a good option . Win - win , right ? Sorry for the lengthy silence . I am still here , though it 's been a bit busy and I don 't even have any good pictures to post . Below , in unpunctuated free verse , is a brief summary of the last few months : In other updates , the pool is not open yet , which is just as well since it is 65 and raining here today . The garden is , in all likelihood , having a year off unless I suddenly come upon a pile of free time not caused by cancellations due to rain . And , it is probably time for me to start panicking about the fact that our trip to Costa Rica is less than two weeks away . The way things are going , it will undoubtedly rain on us there too . [ The Wart ] now discovered , with a helpless feeling , that there were no words for happiness , for freedom , for liking , nor were there any words for their opposites . . . . The nearest he could get to Right or Wrong , even , was to say Done or Not - Done . . . . Later on , the Wart discovered that there were only two qualifications in the [ ant ] language , Done and Not - Done - - which applied to all questions of value . If the seeds which the collectors found were sweet , they were Done seeds . If somebody had doctored them with corrosive sublimate , they would have been Not - Done seeds , and that was that . * When last you read me , I was Done ! I had just finished some work and was reveling in my freedom , temporary though it was . Now I 'm back to my regular M . O . , with heaps of work and projects that are Not - Done and probably will stay that way , at the rate things are going . For starters , some sort of voodoo has been worked on my computer and I cannot open my photo library . I 've had to resort to the circuitous and duplicative method of uploading the same photos to my iPad , using said iPad to magic the photos off to Flickr , and then plopping the photos from Flickr into the blog . It 's like reaching over your head with your right arm to scratch your left ear . Or , to put it in terms of modern travel , flying 600 miles west to Chicago just to catch a flight to Miami , which was almost directly south of us in the first place . An ingenious solution to the Team Hat that was plaguing me in the last post . It turned out that I had a commercial yarn in the right colors , quantities , and weights to make a non - handspun hat for Isa . So I cast on for the Turn a Square hat ( see the way - cool squares at the top ? ) with the idea that I would make it two layers - - meaning I could use two color schemes - - and Isa would have a hat that was reversible , super warm , and color coordinated with her various uniforms . In an unprecedented burst of ingenuity , I cast on using two strands of the yarn ( which is black , not blue as it appears in this willfully deceptive photo ) and 2 / 3 the number of stitches called for in the pattern . After the ribbing , I separated the strands onto two needles , one for the inside layer and one for the outside layer , and increased into every other stitch to get the number of stitches called for in the pattern . Yay me . I worked a few inches of the outside in black and gold and found out that my needle size was too small and I was knitting a 14 inch hat for a 23 inch head . RIIIIIIIIIP . Second try : right size needles and marvellously quick progress . I finished the black and yellow side and showed Isa the hat for her approval . Or disapproval , if you prefer , since there were entirely too many yellow stripes for her taste . Being a kind and generally accommodating child , she said she would wear it anyway , but after I finished the red side - - with half as many stripes - - I decided that no girl on the verge of her teen years should be burdened with a hat that looked like the back end of a bumblebee . RIIIIIIIIIP . I plowed through the reworked yellow side this morning and tucked in my ends only to find , while stuffing the inside into the outside , that the red side was significantly longer than the yellow side and that the corners ( square top hat , remember ? ) were skewed by 8 stitches because I moved the marker by a stitch every time I hid the jog in the stripe . And that is where we stand with that : Not - Done , in so many ways . By the time I finish with this - - assuming of course that I don 't flush it down the toilet first - - I will have knit the equivalent of four hats , with only one head covering to show for the effort . Wildly amusing , really , since I originally planned to make a double - knit hat and have instead doubled my hat knitting . All is not regression and despair , however . Exhibit B is the second toe of the Yellow Socks . Third toe , really , since I had to knit the toe of the first sock twice , but let 's not dwell on that . It has so far been a lovely and cooperative little toe and I 'm beginning to believe that it might , someday soon , grow to be a much more cooperative sock than the first one , which , after weeks and weeks of being Not - Done , is now finished , although I am not yet emotionally ready to declare it Done . Exhibit C ? A mass of nondescript spaghetti - ish , beady - ish knitting . It is part of a mystery knit along , so all I know is that it will be a shawl and that each row is now somewhere between 600 and 700 stitches and requires my full concentration , which is why this bugger is very definitely Not - Done . Well , it took me an extra day , mostly because we spent yesterday at dentists and lunches and book stores and riding lessons , so that by the time I got home there was neither the will nor the daylight for taking pictures . But today is not only a new day , it is a car - free day . El - Husbando took his car to the shop and then took my car to work , so the rest of us had no choice but to lounge around the house in our jammies . I was supposed to get a whole bunch of stuff done this morning , including exercise and a massive clean out of the basement , but instead I read my book . So there . I also snapped a few pictures , and here they are . First up , my new sweater . I had a lot of yarn left over from my not - a - clown - sweater ( which , incidentally , is now one of my favorites ) . So naturally I ordered a few more skeins of the red and made another sweater : When I wasn 't busy knitting either the Socks that I Shouldn 't Have Started or the Socks That I Really Should Finish , I took some time to vandalize these poor things . I knit them for a class and chose the yarn its for beauty and softness , rather than for its ability to last for more than one or two wearings under my nasty feet . The construction of the sock allows you to replace just the sole . I hope . These lovely yarns are my kids ' school colors ( if you are willing to accept that the bottom one is more black than blue ) and they were intended for a double layer hat for my daughter to wear for softball since a spring sport around here automatically means a lot of people standing outside for a long time in temperatures that are one step away from winter . At least that was the plan right up until she told me that the hat was supposed to be her school colors ( black and gold ) on one side and her travel team colors ( not black and gold ) on the other . Oh . To ease the disappointment of having finally purchased fiber and spun yarn for a specific project , only to be thwarted by a misunderstanding , we baked cookies

Edward Walford Manifold was born on 28th April 1892 and grew up in the Western District of Victoria . Together with his older brother William Herbert ( Bee ) , he travelled to England to join the Royal Field Artillery when World War I broke out . Day by day , this blog publishes his letters home and the entries he made in his diaries , from 1915 when he was first sent to France until 1918 when his service ends . ( To follow on Twitter : manifold1418 ) The Major went down to the wagon line soon after breakfast . Lambkin was at the OP , but it was very misty and he could not see anything to shoot on . The Hn was somewhat quieter and did not strafe our front as much as he has been doing just lately . The aeroplanes were very active , at least the Huns were , and one flew over just as our wagons arrived at the guns . A very cold day with east wind blowing and the snow drifting very badly . Before lunch Lambkin , Vosper and I went up to the crest OP . I registered a house on the Cambrai Road for calibration purposes . After lunch , in the teeth of a young gale , Vosper and self walked up in front of the spoil heap to look for a forward gun position and we prospected two good positions , one in a sunken road , and the other on the side of a bank but slightly in view of Bourlon Wood . Vosper and I walked to the OP , taking our lunch up and having it there with Nick . As soon as the small meal was over , we registered the house at the corner of Graincourt with all guns . The Hun was very active , bumping our line in enfilade with howitzers and high velocity guns , also firing on a new bit of trench we are building round Flesquiere . Lambkin and I set out for the OP at seven a . m The light was very good in the early morning but it blew up for snow and there were some very bad intervals . Of course , during the shiny moments the wire went . We managed to register one gun on the corner house of Graincourt and at twelve p . m . , Lambkin having a good idea of the front , I came in during a young blizzard , arriving for lunch and in time to go round the dinners with the Major . The men 's dinner looked very appetising and they all looked very comfortable in the cupola Mess erected at their end of the mine . Cruikshank and Nicholson who had arrived on the previous day off leave turned up for tea , the padre also joining us a little later . Our dinner was very good . The turkey bought at a fabulous price in Amiens was cooked to the minute by Gnr . Alcock and we were all very comfortable , with a good fire going . We all sat round a blazing fire after dinner and sang lustily till midnight , the Major leaving us early in the evening to go to infantry Bde HQ on a liaison ob . A shocking cold night with temperature ten degrees below freezing point . I go to OP at seven a . m and there spend a bitterly cold day . Observation was only just possible to Graincourt and I tried to shoot a gun on the left hand house on the sunken road but the light was very bad . I also checked a few rounds of D36 as they had to strafe a TM emplacement . A splendid bright sunny day . It began to thaw a little but froze again in the evening . The Major set on zero during the morning , correcting the line of some of the guns . A gun was brought up from ordinance during the morning and Sergeant Harwood and Gunner Cox were unlucky in being wounded at windy corner in Hermes , being taken straight to the dressing station and then away . The wounds were not very serious in both cases , being in the leg , and caused by a 4 . 2 high explosive . I go to the OP at seven a . m . but it was very misty and at twelve , on enquiring from brigade whether I could come in , got an answer in the affirmative and came in for lunch , but we had to man the crest OP in the afternoon . As we came in , the Hun started to pipsqueak the position and we were lucky in getting to it during an interval as he began again soon after we got back . No material damage was done . We retaliated on the Hun with 12 rounds gunfire , the whole brigade firing , and he did not bother us again . Barrett goes to the wagon line as he is to go on a course of physical training on 24th December so he misses Christmas with the battery . A misty , cold day , with a strong , bleak wind blowing from the east . Still freezing hard . We concentrate the work on the Mess end of the mine and get four sections of cupola well - covered in . In the afternoon Vosper and I visited the battalion and then went on from there to the front trenches and machine gun emplacements to see if we could gather any information as to where our bit of front could be seen from . We never learnt any more than we already knew and eventually turned home down the Havrincourt Road after having rather an anxious time with our own machine gun bullets which were just clearing the crest by inches . A misty , cold day . Barrett goes to the OP but could not see anything for the fog . The men carried on getting the cupolas covered and had about six feet of chalk on them by the evening . A hard frost and very cold morning . We carry on with the work in the position and get six sections of cupola sunk down into the ground at the men 's end of the mine . The miners start driving a 9 - foot chamber downhill to meet the other shaft and all that comes out goes on top of the cupolas . I go up to the OP near Hesquiers at seven fifteen , walking via Havrincourt down the sunken road past what was our old wagonlines then into the trenches . It was snowing and blowing a young blizzard when we set out and continued all day . As a result of this , we saw nothing . The signaler and self half stood and sat in a mine shaft used by the infantry who used it as a cook house , so we were kept warm by the fumes and smoke from it , which at times almost gassed us . We came in at one thirty pm as it was still snowing hard and , as we approached the guns , the Hun shelled the position and vicinity with pipsqueaks . One gun was unfortunately pitching in the right end of the position and the first round got Gunner Watts of E subsection . He was in a very bad state and before he reached the dressing station died . That same evening we located the battery and the whole brigade kept shelling him in turns through the night . He answered the first burst of fire but was completely silenced by crashes of fire in return and I think he must have had a very thick night of it . The officers all arose at six a . m . as the staff expected an attack and we were to be ready sitting on the triggers . It was very hazy all day and so we took a rest at the guns , having done a fair amount of wandering one way and another in the last few days . After lunch it clears a little so Major , Barrett and self go up to the front crest and have a short joy shoot then we go round the old Hun trenches and find a whopping big 10 - inch minnie emplacement . We brought back a sniper 's suit of armour which we were all rather taken with as on swinging a pick hard at it we could only raise sparks and did not succeed in denting it . A sunny day . Major goes up to the OP after breakfast to join Barrett , who had gone up early in the morning . The OP was just north of Flesquiere and meant that we had to maintain about four miles of wire . The Hun seemed to choose the country the line went over to fire on and consequently we were only through for a few minutes during the day - he broke it as soon as we mended it . Major came back about one forty - five p . m . and sent me up to the rear crest to register the guns on zero and calibrate on a house on the Cambrai road , he coming up to join me a few minutes later . It was a perfect light and we just finished No . 6 as it grew dusk . At least four of these young men served in Gallipoli as well as France . Standing on the left is Lieutenant Harold Maurice Griffiths . He joined up in August 1914 , soon after the outbreak of war . He 'd been a cadet sergeant and was immediately made a sergeant in the 5th Battalion . The young officer saw an extraordinary amount of combat . He was promoted to captain and was wounded in the bloody Battle of Pozieres , but was back in action in time to be wounded again during a raid on an enemy trench . This time he remained on duty . Griffiths was killed in action six months after the picture was taken . At the time , his younger brother Howard was just 14 . Twenty - six years later , Howard was killed in action in New Guinea . Maltby survived the war and returned home a hero in 1919 . He was later elected an MP in the Victorian parliament and became a minister , Speaker and deputy premier . In 1949 , he was knighted . Sir Thomas Maltby retired in 1961 after 32 years in politics . On August 23 , 1918 , Permezel was awarded the Military Cross for heroism . The citation said that when his unit was held up by several enemy posts , he worked his way around behind the German positions to capture three machineguns and 12 prisoners . Apart from stints as an instructor and time away while sick with tonsillitis , he remained with his battalion until the end of the war . He was quickly promoted through the non - commissioned ranks and then , after service at Gallipoli , to second lieutenant . He lamented that it was " rotten " to leave Gallipoli " after all the men we lost there . I suppose it was the best thing to do after all the blunders were made . People don 't realise how close we were to getting through . " Dwyer was sent to hospital from Gallipoli suffering from appendicitis and from there was posted to the Western Front in France . He was eventually " relieved of his post " and sent home . In much harsher times , his papers were stamped : " Services no longer required - inefficient " . had already made very good progress in the afternoon . It was a rotten light but smoke shell proved excellent stuff to do the job with . Well we did not attack in the afternoon ; it was put off , being such a rotten day . Marching drill in the morning and redrilling of NCOs . Six men evacuated , this all being arranged between Todd and Siggers . We were over strength and some very good reinforcements have been posted to us . I find our movement orders have arrived on reaching brigade and that we entrain at Cassel on Saturday night and detrain at Bapaume . In the afternoon Siggers , Connover and self ride to Cassel station to reconnoitre the road . Arrive there about four , have tea in the town , and get back about seven . It seemed a long ride but there was a strong wind blowing and I suppose that made the ride more tedious . We stopped at Steinvoord on the way home and did some shopping . Another good day with the usual half - hour barrage at ten minutes to seven . We had thirty packs up and Br . Brice and Gnr . Mellon who went down to meet them were wounded in the leg slightly . Doonah came round the position during the morning , passing several tactless remarks about the position and work being done . We finished cleaning the OP and could stand up in it when it was finished . The Div went over without a barrage at five p . m . and took Vocation [ ? ] Farm and Virile Goudberg copse and did not meet with any opposition . In fact the SOS did not go up for two hours later . Nicholson goes down to the wagon line being relieved by Shapland and incidentally our brigade goes out and Doonah comes in . The railway still remains unmended and makes ammunition very difficult to keep up as have to handle it so many times . Some large cupolas arrive up from the wagon lines so start the wheeler on splinter - proof shelters . In the morning as I went to the guns there were a lot of aeroplanes spiralling overhead as it was a glorious day and one of our DHSs brought down an enemy 's scout in flames . A heavy gunner at Arbre ran forward and cut the iron cross off one of the wings , which floated down a long time after the body of the machine had crashed to earth . In the afternoon after lunch I went up with Shapland to Arbre and we registered the guns . It was rather amusing as Thorburn was registering the same pill box as us but his guns had been moved and were shooting all over the place and he turned round and apologised to me for his bad shooting , explaining that he had just moved his guns and was reregistering . Claudet came up just as I had finished and so I invited myself to tea with him , having one or two things to see him about . Went to tea at their pill box behind St Julien . It had a nice round hole in the roof of the passage where a 5 . 9 ' had ricocheted off its surface . A very misty morning and inclined to rain . We fired the usual early - morning barrage somewhere about six a . m . The Hun scored two direct hits on the railway line by which the ammunition comes up . The men at the OP pillbox remove all sorts of rubbish , including a D3 telephone , a pair of glasses and a German box of bombs . The amount of other debris in the way of old tins was something extraordinary . Colonel came round the guns at nine a . m . and seemed pleased with what the signallers had done on the previous night at the OP . They went out twice on the wire to Kron Pince [ ? ] . Once they found the people there had the wire off the phone and the next time mended a break very near their end and they never turned out at all . A nice sunny day , quite a contrast to the two previous days . Siggers goes down about ten a . m . and while I was at the guns during the morning another host of Gothas came over , right over the position , and dropped two bombs , one in front of Arbre and another 75 yards to the rear of the battery . They then went on towards the wagon lines and our planes chivvied round them and the archies made a great fuss so they turned back and eventually offloaded their bombs in the Strombeke Valley in front of Arbre . At dusk there was an SOS . The Huns attacked the Canadians but our battery saved the situation - at least it caught them heavily and they never got as far as our front line . The infantry seemed highly pleased with it . Corporal Hornsby wounded - he was found on the road , lying in a pool of blood , evidently a bomb fell close to him and his horse threw him off . After lunch go up to the guns to relieve Siggers and got up there quite comfortably from Buffs Road , over the duckboards and there were no shells floating about . Just before I left , a nest of planes came right over the lines - about four Gothas amongst them - and they looked very dangerous as they hung right over the top of us . However , the bombs seemed to be carried away from us with the wind and none came very close . I had an uneventful walk over the boards and up the tram lines to find Nicholson in the pillbox , Siggers not having come in from the guns . It rained again very heavily all day . We sent up 60 packs at four a . m . and 20 men to work at the position and also a gun team with the new gun . When everyone was away , we had exactly 5 whole men left in the lines when all parties were away . We had another go at RE material , as Pelham came round just before lunch . He was going on to RAHQ . It rained heavily all day . In the morning I went down to the canal bank to see the staff captain of the first division about our RE material , as they were shouting for it from the guns . This way of getting material proved almost as fruitless as putting in through brigade as they simply made a note of the stuff we want and that was all that was done about it . The first division had attacked early in the morning , trying to push obliquely along the ridge towards Rosebeeke and although they were successful in gaining their objectives they eventually had to retire to their old line as the mud was impossible . All their Lewis guns and rifles got jammed with mud and the Hun put down a very heavy barrage too . Our big guns 12 ' and 9 ' were blazing away hard as I went down to the canal and making a great noise . It rained most of the night but cleared in the morning . We had two teams down in the mud near the railway line . The R E have built an embankment over our already muddy lane . Getting over it the horses sink down to about 18 inches in gluey clay , and there they stick . The railway seems to be gradually being formed into a siding and we shall have to find another way out . In the afternoon Cruickshank and I again go to brigade with the same result as before and only see Connover and Todd . The approach to their HQ on horse is simply awful , about 200 yards of mud 18 inches deep . We made another way out by pulling away some barbed wire entanglements . It is very bad in one spot to but think it will hold out . We were severely bombed in the night at three a . m . and some seemed to fall almost in the lines but found in the morning they were about 50 yards from the sergeants ' mess . We sent up 60 packs and Nicholson relieved Cruikshank at the guns in the morning . Towards evening Cruickers and I both get a bath at Reigersburg in the men 's bathhouse . It was a skimpy affair and consisted of as much water as you could get to flow from one hole of an inch in size - one eighth of an inch bored in a pipe - so you can imagine how it felt on these cold nights but must say the water was hot , ( what eventually leaked through the hole ) . Raining hard in the morning , slackening down to showers about eleven a . m . I went out to see Maclean about ammunition soon after breakfast , riding Ginger . Having fixed his business up , rode on to look for an RE dump , which Siggers had given me the coordinates of but , though I enquired of many people , could not find it and came to the conclusion that the coordinates were wrong , as everything was Canadian and I was trying to find the 23rd Div . dump . I came back to where I knew they used to be and found that the first division had taken over from them . When I got there , my visit was unfruitful as they had no SOS rifle rockets and knew nothing about them . In the afternoon , I tried brigade , to see if they could do anything for me , but the Colonel ( 41st Brigade ) and adjutant were out and I only saw the Padre , Todd and Thorburn . It rained hard while I was there but when it lifted Thorburn and self walked home , calling at Maclean 's on the way home . On arriving back , found Barrett had come to join us from the seven ones In the night the adjutant rang up and gave me the correct time , which I knew meant a barrage , so I explained that I knew very little about the front and in general things were very difficult , so he said shoot into the blue . A few minutes later the orders arrived and , after studying the map and orders for about an hour and trying to locate the gun position on the map , the coordinates of which I got from Cruikshank over the telephone , at three a . m . I eventually decided not to fire as it was a Chinese barrage and I only had two guns and besides the howitzer batteries in each brigade were the only other batteries shooting . The Canadians attacked in the morning at six a . m . with success and took Paschendale and got well along the top of the ridge anyway . The abovementioned town is the highest point of the ridge . This seemed to annoy the Hun and he put down a very heavy barrage at seven a . m . which went on until three thirty p . m . Siggers arrived up in the thick of it and had to come across country from Buffs Road as they were putting HY shells down the road . We kept inside while it went on and it went through all the battery papers et cetera . Anyway one would almost have lost a finger if you had put it outside , the shells were falling so thick and fast . The Huns seemed to pay special attention to the pill boxes and , although they did not actually hit us , they were nosing up against the wall most of the time . The brigade were less fortunate - a 5 . 9 ' HV shell hit the top of their pill box but luckily ricocheted and burst in the air . However , the weight of the hit knocked a hole in it and Dixon 's servant was killed . At four p . m , things having quietened down , I took Br . Bates with me as far as brigade and went on to meet my horses . I hit the road about the dressing station and walking along came across two motor lorries derelict , having been burnt to the ground and , and a little further on was another in the same plight . The road looked very desolate with all kinds of wreckage on it and as a motor lorry laboured past I jumpePosted by I went up to the guns for the day as Cruikshank was at the OP and the Major had a working party of twenty men from the wagon lines . As I got off my horses and went down past the dressing station , they began to shell , so I went into the Brigade pillbox , got onto Claudet 's telephone and asked for a guide to take me to the gun position . They said Br Bales ( a signaller ) would come down and guide me but , knowing what he was like when there were any shells about , I thought I should be left there all day . A little later I rang up and asked who was coming and they said Webb was on his way . By the time Webb arrived , shells were falling thick and fast everywhere and he said it was too hot to go by the railway and that St Julien Road would be better . Just as we left the pillbox , a shell burst at the crossroads leading into St Julien , wounding two mules tied to some ammunition dump there and the boxes began to smoulder . We wasted no time getting past the smouldering ammunition and , as we went , had the earth thrown over us from several shells . The pluck of some drivers is amazing and coming down the road past us was a driver with hat off , blood streaming down his forehead , leading his two packhorses along , quite as if it was an ordinary day affair and several GS wagons jolted past us at the walk , men sitting quite quiet on their horses with shells exploding all round them , never knowing whether the next minute they might be blown to atoms . Well , we had enough to do to get to our pillboxes - they seemed to be paying special attention to these concrete houses which are dotted about the country . There was no sign of the Major there but as they were expecting him back any minute I thought I had better wait and see if he arrived . After being inside for about ten minutes and there being no sign of him I thought he must be waiting at the gun position for us so sallied forth with Sgt . Keegan to the guns . We did not meet him but as Sgt . Keegan knew what work was to be done I told him to get on with it . About half an hour later CruikshPosted by A very misty day , packs went up at four a . m . as usual , but the Major , thinking it would be quiet , owing to the fog , ordered another 30 pack animals to be up there by ten a . m . Nicholson went up with them and , on arriving at the first pill box above the dressing station , was told that it was too bad to go up any further . So he went back to Irish Dump and packed stuff from there to a dump on the side of the road . The Padre had a Communion service in our wagon line Mess in the afternoon at four p . m . About five men turned up and there was just room for the service and that was all . Gunner Smith , Cruikshank 's servant , and Gunner Alcock , Nicholson 's , come down to the WL with very sore eyes from mustard gas and have to lie quiet in a darkened place to give their eyes a chance of recovering . After lunch Hoyland went away in the Mess cart to a CGS [ ? ] on the Vlamertinghe Poperinghe road - several other blisters had arisen in the night , probably due to the fact that he wore the same suit of pyjamas . Siggers and I went to Vogeltje to draw some money from the field cashier . We went by foot and lorry . We walked into Pop when we had got the money , had tea at the officers ' club , did some shopping , then went to the Dudds , a very dud show near the railway station . We then dined at the rest house , a very nice chateau , right opposite the station , walked up to the first point duty man on the main road , asked him to stop something for us and he pulled up an ambulance filled with Australians . This we jumped into and had a hilarious ride to Ypres lunatic asylum , then striking across country . It was a perilous walk home across shell holes and Siggers went up to his knee in one . We were rather surprised to hear late on the evening of the first that Hoyland had got a touch of mustard gas and his horses were to be sent up in the morning . He came down at nine thirty and told us he had fallen down when going out on the night Anderson was killed and , where he touched the ground , huge blisters were rising and they certainly were nasty large - looking reservoirs . The Major goes up after lunch and sends Nicholson back to the horse lines . The Colonel , Todd and Vaisey come round to see Hoyland in the afternoon , the former telling him he must go to a CCS where he will probably be sent down to the base and perhaps to England but that he will have every chance of coming back again . After glancing round the horses , the CO departs , being well impressed with the good condition of the skins . Siggers , after lunch , had gone off with the Padre to Pop to get some money from the Field Cashier . He returned about ten , not having found the 18th Corps headquarters and without the money . Another bright day . Siggers and I spend our morning until stables in building a fireplace in the Mess and also complete a sandbag wall at the entrance . We got news down with the rations that Gnr Anderson ( Capt servant ) had been killed in the cookhouse during the night . We sent up a large fatigue party of 30 men in the morning to remove a gun out of a huge shell hole . This gun was one which was taken up on the 31st but it had been left on the plank track while the men went for breakfast and some rotters had pushed it off into this hole . When some of this working party were coming back to lunch they got caught in a burst of fire and Cpl . Bing , Gnr . Alsop , Gnr . Bates , Gnr . Cuthbertson , Gnr . Higgins and Br . Barr were all wounded . During the night , we had a heavy bombardment from the air . The Hun started about ten thirty p . m and kept it up until dawn . He seemed to unload his bombs then rush back to reload . It was a very bright moonlit night and he could probably get a fair idea of the country . One wagon line nearby lost 35 horses in the night . we were again lucky and though some dropped remarkably close none dropped in the lines . One coud hear the earth falling on tin roofs after the burst and these seemed to be near the left section but on inspection in the morning there was no sign of any holes . Rise at three fifteen a . m to take up two guns and twenty packhorses . The men take some digging out on these occasions , but the Sgt . Major and the Nos 1 all get up and rowse them out . We get away about four fifteen and the two gun limbers go round to the 9th and 16th Batteries to pick up guns . The 9th are called a depot battery and simply sit down at the wagon lines and draw guns to and from the IOM , as they are knocked out or repaired . I went on with the pack , s picked up ammunition at Irish Farm , a railway dump in the forward area , and went straight on to the guns . The two teams were there before me and the first one had got stuck in a bad spot where a number of sleepers had been removed from the track . The sleeper track was only wide enough to take traffic one way and of course we could not offload the mules till we got past it . We tried taking them round the lips of shell holes , until one donkey fell into a big one and had a swim round for about ten minutes . It looked like a case of shooting him where he lay in the bog , but we got him out with the help of much bad language from the drivers . The gun was eventually moved but , as there were three ( one belonging to the Naval Div . ) on the track , all trying to get transferred to railway trucks on a decaville [ ? ] railway , which was the final approach to the position , and the packs were all trying to offload near the railway , there was some congestion , This buffeting of men , mules and horses went on till we had moved 1 , 000 rounds with 20 packhorses , and all the time there was a continual stream of mules carrying up small arm ammunition on the same track for the infantry . We eventually got away about six fifteen and , much to our relief , the Hun never put a shell over . It was a beautiful sunny day and the Hun , while seeming to search through a nest of balloons in front of our lines , put some 5 . 9 ' shrapnel into our camp , some very heavy pieces falling about in the afternoon , but no damage was done . The Major Cruikshank and self take a walk towards Ypres to get warm and have a look at the gun salvaging tank on our way . I rose at six a . m . to attend stables and had to choke Sgt . Lambing off for his men not turning out in time . Rain set in when we had turned out of midday stables and continued for the rest of the day . Some sun in the morning and rather frosty . Hoyland goes up to relieve the Major at ten a . m , Cruikshank having left at four a . m . with pack animals does not get back until half past ten . The Hun puts a few down the road while he is unloading but all manage to get back without casualties . Siggers and I go into Ypres . On the way we looked at a new type of tank used for removing guns out of mud under fire . It is a curious looking beast and has a movable platform which it puts out under the tail of the gun , but first the gun wheels have to be removed . We are pointed out the cathedral ruins and Cloth Hall ruins and take a wander over them . There is very little left of either place but they must have been beautiful old buildings as there are massive heaps of debris everywhere . Siggers would not come away without a souvenir of some kind so we pulled an iron door knob off an old door of the Cloth Hall and he had a bit of glass from the Cathedral . It looked as though it might be a piece of broken bottle . All the town was the same - absolutely flattened - and , as we came away , the Hun put in a few high velocity rounds . On the outskirts of the town we saw the remains of what had been a circus with the old wooden rocking horses lying about . Siggers had to go up to the guns in the afternoon for a liaison stunt as he was the only man who knows the country . The Major lobbed down late in the evening , having spent some time trying to find us , owing to the military police stopping his groom and their not meeting . It was a very bright moonlit night - being known as the Hunter 's moon - and the Hun started raining bombs everywhere about ten p . m . The archies and the machine guns were very active and made a colossal racket in the still cold night . Some sort of shell or bomb landed very close to the Sergeants ' Mess . We were all very sorry to hear that Lt Gough , nephew of the Army Commander , had passed away on the previous night , being wounded in the lungs . His family are noted army men , and they all have V . Cs . To keep up the reputation , he must needs try to get one if the opportunity arises . The MC was telephoned through to him , but he passed away before it was received . I go over to the 15th Battery in the morning to see Claudet about the cigarettes notebooks ( in memory of Bee ) but find he is away at the guns . At lunch a Major friend of Hoyland 's comes in and takes him off to Poperinghe in a car for the afternoon . In the evening Siggers and I walk over to Claudet 's again for tea and find he and Dixon in . Raining in the morning . Nicholson goes up to relieve Siggers , who comes down late in the afternoon . After lunch Hoyland and I went over to the 9th Battery to see about some of our guns . We found them up to their eyes in mud there and also found Vaisey there . He had just come off leave . We and the French attacked about dawn along the whole ridge , taking almost all objectives and 800 prisoners . The line went forward 1500 yards on an average . Lt Gough of the 71st Bty was doing liaison officer and it was doubtful as to what became of him as his signallers all came back saying they had got scattered under heavy fire and they thought he had been hit . The next day he came back on a stretcher , having lain out for about twelve hours . We had two gunners wounded - Bradbury and Dickson . The rain started about nine and continued throughout the rest of the day . A very strong wind sprang up in the night , blowing the tents and bivouacs all roads , and Hoyland and I had a very drafty night in the tube , as we had tarpaulins over each end and they blew away . I rise at three fifteen a . m . to move off with two guns and 66 packhorses . Something was wrong with the men as it was four forty - five before there was any sign of moving and expect they spent most of the night rebuilding their bivouacs . We got onto the road about five and I sent the gun on with Sgt Lamburg , while I took the packhorses to Irish dump to fill up with ammunition . On getting there , find there are only 53 pack animals , so have to put ten rounds on each instead of eight . I will try to put down what I see on going up or my first impressions of the country . The road is quite good and wide when you come up to No . 4 bridge which crosses the Ypres Commune 's canal . This bridge has been built with a sunk barge as a foundation . The road goes on , slightly rising and becoming narrower , until you come near the crest onto a small plateau where are dotted 6 ' mark VII guns 9 . 2 ' 8 ' and 6 ' hows . The railway also comes along on the right at about 700 yards distance and there is a large dump of ammunition at a siding called Irish [ illegible ] . A little further up the line , you see several 12 ' hows and armies of men working on the track , pushing it well forward while several engines push up heavy loads of ballast . You soon breast the plateau and begin descending a gentle slope , but as you look towards the Hun you look over a small crest and in the distance you see nice green hills which go to form the Paschendale Ridge . Following on down the road , which becomes rapidly narrower and rougher , you come to the first pill box , which has been made into a dressing station . From here onwards guns of various calibres from 8 ' downwards are dotted alongside the road . All along the road , shells of various calibre are littered about , mostly 18 pdr and 4 . 5 ' how . These have all fallen off packs or limbers and remain lying about till they are eventPosted by It rained all morning , cleared about two p . m . Hoyland and I , after lunch , walk to brigade and , as we go , noticed on the railway not far from the lines a dump with very useful stuff in it . On reaching brigade , we see the colonel , who was just making preparations to take over from 41st Brigade up the trenches . The General was also there . We sent out a raiding party when we got back , just as it began to rain again , led by Anderson , and , although he and Kemp ( my servant ) had to crawl under a sentry 's nose , they brought back two trestles and a door to put on them as a table . Pouring with rain when we get up and it continues in showers until two o ' clock . Hoyland , Nicholson and I walk over towards Ypres to find a pump for the gun lines . We tried several salvage dumps and eventually got into the town and found a Canadian RE dump but could not get anything out of them . We eventually made for the ninth division CRE which we found on a canal running to the north of the town . The Padre and the colonel were there and we fixed it all up on the spot . It was good to hear the French had sunk 4 Zeppelins and that we , it was reported , had sunk 4 , but whether ours are official is not yet known . On our way to Ypres , we passed a lot of tanks and one new kind which we were told was used for carrying guns up over the mud . It was a much longer looking thing than a tank . This country is completely different from what I thought it would be like hearing people talk of it . There are a lot of trees and hedges , whereas I thought it would be very flat and bare . The town has been terribly smashed up and an enormous amount of shell must have been expended on it and the surrounding country as there are shell holes a long way back . As far as I could see there seems to be a ridge about a mile in front of the town commanding a view of all this country . They still shell the town with high velocity guns , usually every second day . Today they are trying to knock out a balloon near by with their new clockwork fuze but so far have been unsuccessful with ten rounds of shrapnel 5 . 9 ' . The way the railways have been pushed on here is amazing and there is a regular network of new track over frightful country . The same applies to roads and both are in splendid condition . Of course , armies of men are kept going at them . I get up for stables and send off five men on leave , including Sgt . Higgins and Hogg , Siggers 's servant . These two came down from the guns the same night as Hoyland and got chased by shells half the way , just as he did . It rained hard in the morning until nine a . m . then a mist hung around until midday when it cleared and the sun got through . Hoyland and Nicholson went into Pop for a bath after lunch , the former lunching at brigade , sending in the Major 's recommendation . Cruikshanks and I ride up to brigade for exercise and the former gets some pills from Todd for his throat . The 18th Div attacked in the morning and the General told us at Brigade that they had gained all objectives . There was very little bombing on our part of the line in the evening , mostly further north . Ever since we have been here , each night at dawn there is a continuous blowing of whistles , as the Hun planes seem to crowd over as soon as it is dusk , some going back to Poperinghe , others dropping them on the wagon line area . And he sometimes comes over in day time I believe , although he has not done so since we arrived . He uses his gothas too . Hoyland set out for the guns at ten a . m . It is a good day and in the afternoon I ride Ginger round to try to find some cover for horses and find some stables being put up by the 18th Corps , whom we belong to , quite close by . The men spend the day clearing up and knocking their bivvies into shape . Nicholson goes to 9th division HQ to see a friend of his after lunch . About dusk the Colonel turns up and we show him the stables and ask him if he will try to get them for us . Then he and Vosper go on home . Hoyland 's horses came back early , as they were shelled , and so he had to walk back and never got home until six . More bad news in the morning - Lt Sherman of the 15th Bty was killed by a direct hit from a shell . He was a Canadian and was at Ipswich with us all . Poor chap was to soon get leave to Canada to be married . At two p . m . we start for the 9th Division 's old wagon line . The battery we relieved was B50 . Well , we had some fun getting our wagons out . One stuck and two others crashed their swingle tree bars but we bound them up and soon got underway again . We went down the road to Ypres through Brielin and crossed the railway at Rickersburg railway junction , going up a muddy lane for two hundred yards , and came into a muddy home . We had more trouble getting the wagons through the mud , but we are well seasoned to the mud now and soon got over our difficulties . Everyone shook down as best they could in bivouac and tents . Hoyland and I managed to get twelve bivouacs from the camp commandant , making all kinds of wild promises . The Hun planes were again very active at dusk , but am glad to say they kept clear of us . We march to temporary wagon lines north of Vlamertinghe , Siggers , Cruikshank and gun detachments going on in motor buses about seven thirty a . m . I again went on ahead , this time with Hoyland , the latter to do the billeting and I to reconnoitre a road for the brigade . We had a rotten march as the roads were packed with traffic , as was only to be expected getting so near the push area . We got in about three p . m . in the pouring rain , a thunderstorm breaking over us . The officers shared a Nissan Hut with the brigade and the men slept in tents . A feature which struck one most on first coming into this area was the way splinter proof walls had been put up two foot six inches high round the tents and huts , to keep the bomb splinters out . We turned in early and as I was dozing off to sleep Cruikers strolled in to say that two guns had been put out of action . Cpl . Beech and Gnr Sandalls both of my section had been killed , Br . Francis had his leg blown off and Br . Dempsey badly wounded in the stomach . It seemed they had just taken over and were out of the guns when the Hun started shelling and cut a lot of them off from the pill box ( a concrete shelter ) on the right so they took shelter in a tank . By this , shells were falling very fast , both five nines and four twos , and one hit the tank , killing four in all , but two belonged to the 9th Division . The Major , on hearing that some wounded men were isolated in a tank , set out with Gnrs . Bullimore , Smith and Sgt Keegan to the rescue . The Major was wonderful and set a magnificent example to the party by going straight through the awful wall of shells , never flinching once and they got all the wounded out of the tank into shelter . Of course , Sandford is being put in for the DSO and , if anyone deserves it , he does for what he did and the brave way he went about it . Poor Br . Francis had his leg blown off at the knee and his only remark was ' No more football for me ' with a broad grin . Poor chap , he was being put through for a commission and was a really good fellow . We did not get mCorporal Beech DCM and MM - killed - left section The Majors and the Colonel went on in buses in the early hours , to look over positions which we were to take over . We marched at ten thirty a . m . Siggers and I go on ahead , I to do the billeting and Siggers to reconnoitre a road for the brigade . The Padre , Siggers and self rode on together and had not gone far when we met Colonel Thompson to whom we were attached at Thiepval ( 11th Div ) and Major Griffith , with their units on the march . We hunted for a place to have a meal in Hazelbrook and ran across Brigadier Martin Powell , who used to command the 48th Battery . He was in good form , now commanding an Anzac Corps and he had his little dog Ali Baba with him , which he told us to take note of . We eventually lunched at the Hotel du Nord near the station , then went on to Eecke , to meet the adjutant , who was to be at the main crossroads at three p . m . Siggers had a simple job , as the road was quite all right and he simply had to give a report on it to Vosper , who arrived soon after three p . m . All the battery representatives turned up at two thirty a . m . and we whiled away the time by visting a funny old town Major to whom Gough of 71st Bty put a few questions , greatly agitating the old man . We found our billets were about another two miles further on , quite good though the lines were very slushy . The battery got in about five thirty , in the dark , and we had a great time watering at a stream which we could not take the horse to as the banks were so muddy . It was no fun feeling your way in the dark for water with buckets and mud halfway to the knees . The Brigade and ourselves were in the same farm and messed together . We march at seven forty a . m . , being called at five . The march was not good . There were too many stops , caused by traffic , especially around Aire . Ginger was very fresh and danced the whole way , getting himself into a regular lather . We reached Tannay at about three p . m . and got our lines up in a grassy field , which was better than most of the other batteries . The billets were the worst part as they were scattered all over the country and some of the men 's were about half a mile from the lines . We had a most amusing time at dinner - at least one takes it as all in the day 's run . We had hard work in persuading an estaminet to let us have a Mess there but eventually they did and we shared a room with the owners . Well , during dinner one of the females gave her young son - or child , anyway - dinner , much to our captain 's disgust . However , he seemed to forget we were no longer in England and that France 's customs are somewhat different to ours . To add to the delights of the place , a room close by was full of drinking Tommies and they would insist on playing a french penny in the slot machine , which was all out of gear and it made a noise like two children thumping on a piano at the same time . Nicholson and Cruikshank take their sections on driving drill and gun drill at ten thirty , while I take the other horses out on exercise . It was a cold morning and Nelson , the one - eyed horse , was rather keen on pitching me off and he met with success when we got back to the lines , but luckily I landed on my feet on the road . The Colonel met us as we were coming along the main road and walked some of the way with me . The Padre had a concert in the evening at the school but , as no one seemed to know about it , no officers went . Captain Todd also gave a lecture on first aid at the brigade at midday and the unfortunate Corporal Archer was put on the floor for a demonstration of respiration given to a gassed or drowned man . Orderly officer driving drill at nine a . m . on spare fields . Nicholson , Siggers and I both have a turn at it with the left and centre sections in skeleton order . It was a nice sharp sunny morning and there had been a frost overnight . In the afternoon the right half battery played the left half at football , it ending in a draw . The Colonel adjutant and a lot more officers were spectators . Siggers and Cruikshank were playing , the latter , getting a kick on the head , was put out for a short time but soon recovered , with a black eye only . It was rather amusing - we had lost one of the cook 's carthorses , known as Mrs Fritz and one of the bombardiers in charge of them found an old Frenchman using her in a plough . We sent two lumbers [ ? ] off in the evening to pick up two guns - the carriages at Bethune and pieces at Bruay , it being an all night job . Early in the morning , Siggers , Nicholson and self went to Holy Communion held in the school . There was a large church parade at twelve p . m . when the Bishop of Khartoum preached and 50 of our men paraded under Cruikshank as orderly officer . Nicholson and self took a ride at ten a . m . and I nearly came off Ginger when jumping a hedge . Wrate makes my saddle so slippery it is very hard to grip in putties . A driving parade at nine a . m . but , as all the fields were too wet , we did not venture off the road . There was a gun drill parade at ten thirty a . m . for both Cruikshank and myself , which I never like taking as I don 't know the bookwork off pat . In the afternoon Siggers and I did a little No . 3 director and TOB work , just to take the rust off , and incidentally found we wanted some polishing . Rose at three a . m . and found when I got downstairs that there was no time for tea so walked to the station in the pouring rain and after getting settled in one carriage was told that we had to ride further up the train for Bethune . The old train went along at the usual leave train gait until we finally reached Arque about twelve p . m and then steamed into Haryebrook at twelve thirty p . m On reaching Lillers at one p . m . I heard shouts of ' 2nd Division get out here ' , so out I bundled and , on enquiring , heard we were at Ames . After lunch at an estaminet , I found two DAC horses and rode out on them in the pouring rain , which commenced soon after lunch . Reached Ames in time for tea and found everyone in billets with plenty of mud in the lines . This did not look too pleasant as it all pointed to our going north and having another winter like last year . Go to Le Quesnoy chateau at ten a . m . as junior member and , although I have never been on one before , manage to pull through without any difficulty and all the junior member has to do it seems is to keep quiet until he is spoken to by the President . Go to WL afterwards and take Meade in for a referesher . Siggers had booked seats at the Dous [ Dons ? ] for six fifteen p . m . and it turned out a fair show , the entertainment being on the Pierrot principle . The Padre met us there and came out to dinner . Then I rode a bike to the guns at ten p . m . Spent the day at the guns . The Major went on leave by car , which goes down to meet Pelham . Vosper and Nicholson come over to lunch on their way to the left section which , incidentally , has moved up about 800 to just below the Mill dugouts near Railway Alley . At three p . m . we fire in a TM strafe for twenty minutes and begin with some smoke in front of the Bosche OPs . Hun never takes any notice of it and all is soon quiet again . Am roused at dawn by the noise of bombing and hostile shelling coming from the direction of the brickstacks and canal . The brigade fires on Canal Rt as SOS goes up but everything quietens again after about fifteen minutes . I am relieved at ten twenty a . m . by Capt . Hewitson , but the fifteenth are always late with a relief . Go to wagon lines . Hoyland away for a FGCM at one p . m . During stables , Barwick 's best black mare takes colic after coming in from a fatigue and although we do all possible for it - and in fact when we think it will recover - it is seized with a spasm of pain and dies about five p . m . It is afterwards found to be caused by a number of stomach ruptures . At three thirty p . m . old Saunders and General Freddie Mercer wander into the lines but luckily they don 't stay long or ask many questions and GAH got back just before the leave with a colonel whom he brought back for lunch . In the afternoon GAH and I watched the footer match between our chaps and a 46th Div battery across the road . We won 2 - 1 . Major Claudet called in after tea and we rode back at six forty five p . m . but I go to dinner with the antis as John has just returned from leave . Sam and he are very fit and are all much amused with Tirpity ( Sam 's dog ) and a kitten with whom he plays as if it were a pup . When I get home at eleven p . m . find everyone is in bed . Go over to the four eights after breakfast to arrange about moving . Lunch with 15th and move back to the old firm after lunch where there are greetings from the officers and even Sgt . Higgins . Bellew does the 24 hours but Siggers gives him a few hours ' relief during the afternoon . At the OP from six a . m . until dawn . The Hun was very active with his Minnies on and about the Hohenzollern , looking for the gas we discharged from cylinders last night , I expect . I marked down one Minnie and left two guns on it all day . Whenever he fired , we went to gunfire with HE . He kept fairly quiet all day but other Minnies took on the work . We fired sixty rounds on him . Nothing of interest happened , except that we retired at eleven a . m . to the cellar for about twenty rounds of what I call the Russian Howitzer , fired at Braddle Keep and houses in vicinity . Hewitson and Sherman called in in the afternoon for a short time . After breakfast rode to Cuinchy detached section and paid out . Call at Vosper battery on the way back and look at their large pit , which is finished and looks well . General Alexander was supposed to come round in the afternoon , but he never arrived . Ride to horse lines with Sherman , then on to Les Lobes , north of Locon , for pay . It was about a five - mile slog , over hard roads , and I never got back until twelve thirty . Pay out after lunch and come up to guns at three thirty . Do Liaison with the 7th Sherwoods and do no get much sleep , as the Hun kept dropping rounds over every twenty minutes and , as there was only corrugated iron and a sand bag over my head , I did not feel too comfortable . Only one 77 mm landed near enough to throw earth on the roof and that was the last shell fired before daylight . The battery had the Colonel and second - in - command of the 5th Battalion in to dinner , as well as the Major and his orderly officer and Hoyland . My day off . Wander up to Humanity Trench with Sherman to fire the guns on the support line . We completed some successful switches and fired a few rounds on Little Willie then came back for lunch and found Hewitson had come up . Came down at seven a . m . from the infantry , having spent a quiet night . They had an American doctor there - quite a good chap - and , if the rest are like him , shan 't mind them . Settle down for a quiet morning at the guns when the infantry major rolls up for instruction , so I gas to him on gunnery from nine thirty until one p . m . when I was pleased to see Sherman back from his trip round the trenches with Claudet , who is now acting Group Commander , Courage being on leave . As the Hun put a 10 cm shell in close proximity to our Mess in Annequin we decided to move to the place we had been preparing at the guns . Incidentally , the cook - one Gunner Dempsey - having been presented with 50 francs to buy Mess goods , thought it a good time to go on the bust , so left all the moving to be done by one man and cleared off for the day . Sherman is told by Armytage of Hewitson 's return off the infantry course and he careers down to see him at five p . m . , coming home in a more than pleased condition at twelve on his bicycle and hits a pile of cobble stones on his way , somewhat laming himself . The results of dining with Hoyland and Hewitson at the four eight 's wagon line . Set out for the wagon line at seven forty five as have to take a parade of three men down to Gore for a fatigue of unloading slag from a barge . Go back on Ginger across country and call in at the four eights where I find Hoyland and Colonel Beech not even down to breakfast . The Colonel and Cruickshanks who lobbed from the guns at ten thirty a . m . go on leave after lunch in a car and seem both highly elated all morning especially the latter . Hoyland and I ride back but I turn off the road to go and see Sam who is just behind Annequin north , he gives me tea and while there Nicholson and Vosper pass by on their way from Bethune . Sam tells me Gyp Currie is engaged to a Capt . Street and Sid and Jess were to be married on Friday - that is , yesterday . He has a shoot at some Albatross D3s while I am there and goes remarkably close to them . The Hun I find on arriving at the battery is crumping the 6 ' on the railway with five nines and eight inch - incidentally my track leads right up the railway . So the signaller and self cut across to the four eights , pick up Hoyland who came up specially to do Liaison and make a detour round behind the old factory onto the railway line . My day at the four hundred . Do not start until six a . m . as it is doing no good getting there an hour before sunrise and , as the Major expressed his opinion that way , I fell in with his view and took the hint . The light was fairly good after ten thirty a . m . and there was a certain amount of activity during the afternoon on both sides . D36 were most amusing about four p . m : they got annoyed with a poor Minnie who fired two rounds on our front and went to gunfire on it , blazing off about sixty rounds and making the sand bags and parapets leap into space . Kemp , my servan , t brought me tea at five thirty , also a packet of Australian mail and a letter from Mum , telling me of Foster 's promotion to Colonel , which is jolly good work . Sherman was up during the afternoon and informed me it was settled that I go back to the 48th Bty and the 15th have Dickson . Go down to the wagon line and arrive just in time to see the elephant being painted on the stable roof in white . I called in at the Field cashier 's on the way down and ran across Bellew there . After stables , lunch with the four eights and hear all the latest records GAH has brought out from home with him . We all went into Bethune after lunch , to the club , where we ran across Captain Roberts of heavy Trench Mortar fame , with several of his subaltwerns . On the way riding home I meet him again and , as he turned off the Bethune Road , he disappeared in a cloud of dust , cantering hard down the metals but , as he is a Royal Fusilier , evidently knows no better . As my groom and I approached the battery , we noticed some shells falling about , so I walked from the shrine just near the corner of the La Bassee Road and arrived untouched , though passed two very recent shell holes in the field as you cross in front of Annequin church to the position , the old 6 ' hows had been going at gunfire and think they were after them . Go up to the infantry that night . The GOC Division 46th came round the position at ten a . m . but all he seemed to do was measure out the SOS lines in the pits on the map and looked as if he distrusted us . The Colonel came round at eleven a . m . and I went up to the detached section to greet the general there , riding back on a bicycle as soon as he had gone . On the way back , I looked up Vosper and saw his new pit which was a huge erection of slag , well - supported by rails but six solid feet of slag takes some propping up . However , his props were very strong . The TM strafe at twelve thirty p . m . seemed pretty tame and the raid at eleven thirty p . m . was also a severe wash out I believe , though don 't know any details as the battalion on our left were doing the job . Sherman and I put some heavy work in on the gun pit in the afternoon . I wrote a novel , represented by Sheil Land . One publisher thought it was " compelling , but it wouldn 't be easy to categorize - it is somewhere between ' literary ' and ' commercial ' , and would need to be one or the other to be pitched for successfully in an acquisition meeting . " Another said , ' It 's pacy and gripping , and the plot is great , but it lacks that lighter women 's fiction feeling . The writing is undeniably good but I 'm not quite sure how I would position it on our list . ' A third commented that it " is a warm , engaging and easy read but this ' middle market fiction ' is a really tough area ' , while a fourth considered that , " It is a good story ( stories ) well told , but just missing the X - factor that would make me fall in love with it . " I wanted to write an entertaining novel that I would like when I was in the mood for something thoughtful & amusing that I could enjoy without too much effort . If you would like to read it yourself , you can find it at http : / / cargocollective . com / Unrealities / Holding - On - a - novel .

Parenting Swan reveal 19 February , 2017 ~ birdie and the optimist ~ 2 Comments Pretty beautiful hey ? It was Y 's choice and its just so like him to choose something so unexpected . He adores it and that is what matters . I am also really happy with how it turned out . If B is working they stay in til 4pm and have lunch at school . If he isn 't then we all meet at home for lunch and I go back til 5pm . Sometimes I take lunch and don 't come home . In between the above B and I try to shoehorn in our own exercise . I take an extremely circuitous route to work to lengthen the less - than - 10 - min - stroll to a 40min walk through the countryside at least 3 times a week , and I do my 30min BBG circuit on tuesday and thursdays while Y has football because O is old enough to play there unsupervised . On these days I get home from work , change my clothes , set up the stuff I need for the circuits , rush them to the football pitch , rush home , jump about like a loon for 30mins , stretch , shower , change and rush back to get them . It 's taken me many many years to allow myself this time for my own exercise . It 's a REAL issue for many mothers , and I still do not know why we find it so hard to give ourselves time and freedom to do what we want to do for ourselves . B has always been adamant about needing his own time . When O was born he played in a band and would rehearse 3 or 4 times a week . I am not going to lie , I used to resent it a lot . I never stopped him and I tried to be supportive and not to complain but I definitely felt it . But , and thus is important . It was only because I was envious I was well aware of that even as it was happening ; I have always felt that he had the right idea . That we are absolutely entitled to our own time and space . I just put a million barriers in my own path to make it harder , even impossible , for me to do the same and I know I am not alone . If I had a baby all over again I would probably be the same . There is something about those mutually dependant years when they are so small that you can justify the time you need for essential separation like work . But time for yourself is like an indulgent luxury and gets relegated to back of the line . But we all know how important it is ! What is our deal ? Why do we make it so hard on ourselves ? The people that steadfastly insist on looking after their little corner of space and time for themselves have the right idea and everyone else knows it . Well , we all get there eventually , I guess and so I am finally doing it . And it 's great ! I wish I could say the results of all the exercise are stunning but at 39 the sad truth is that I can 't acheive the same results in 12 weeks that a 21 year old can . For all that 40 is the new 20 or 30 or whatever , some things we just can 't fight . This week I finally had confirmation that I am post menopausal . The very first dose of Xeloda in July 2015 stopped my periods in their tracks and I have never had one again . Of course for the longest time this was seen as ' normal ' , a standard side effect , " it will come back " . . but an endocrinologist finally did some blood tests and confirmed what the hot flushes told me long ago . Apparently this isn 't a common side effect of the treatment I had , so I am just one of the lucky ones ! Ha . Let me stress . . I knew this , I in no way expected them to say anything different , but actually hearing it did hit me . Not right there , but as I walked back to the car , her words about not needing to bother with birth control anymore , not even ' in case ' , ringing in my ears , I felt tears pushing up behind my eyes , stinging as I tried to hold them in . It 's so silly . I have my two boys and although I always kind of hoped for a third , B was so adamantly against I knew without a doubt that it would never happen . And I don 't miss periods AT ALL . I can 't explain why , then , it made me feel so sad . Maybe its because this actually makes me feel more ' different ' from my peers than the cancer did . But it 's fine . I 'm fine . Not having periods is a definite bonus and the hot flushes aren 't that big a deal . It 's a small price to pay , when all 's said and done . SaturYAY 11 February , 201711 February , 2017 ~ birdie and the optimist ~ Leave a comment Finally we have a headboard for our bed ! After a couple of years of uncomfortably stacking pillows between my back and the cold wall behind it at last I can sit up in bed in luxurious comfort . Weekend mornings are the one time I demand to be left alone for an hour or so to have a cup of tea and just be free of orders / complaints / endless meandering stories that I never quite understand . It is a slice of time that has not been easy to carve out for myself and it is still very much a work in progress ( as a small shadow darkens my door waving a picture for my consideration ) but on the whole I think I am a pretty responsive , attentive , parent to two children who , in my opinion , rank fairly highly on the emotional / attention needs scale ( is there such a thing ? Maybe I score high on the need for my own space scale ) . and now coming up fast on a decade of motherhood I am finally getting firmer about demanding my right to my own space and time . Even in the form of an hour to drink tea in peace , twice a week . So the headboard . . you probably have one . Most competent grown ups do , I imagine . But our bedroom is the most forgotten , abandoned wasteland of the whole house . We don 't even have curtains , or pictures on the wall . So this is a proud acheivement and now I am browsing etsy and pinterest like mad to find inspiration to finally get our room looking finished . We made it ourself and it was super easy , no I don 't have any progress photos , it was that quick . Glue foam to wood , wrap batting around and staple it to the back of the wood . Wrap fabric around and staple aswell . Hang it on the wall . There is no reasonable excuse for why it took so long . My very - nearly - 6 year - old still enjoys a massive range of his extensive library of books and hasn 't latched on to any style or series in particular . We particularly like Jack and the Flum Flum Tree ( and any and all Julia Donaldson books ) , Milo Armadillo , The Pirate Cruncher , The Pirates Next Door and The Jolly Postman ( skipping the Big Bad Wolf page ) among many others . I am equal parts relieved and disappointed that he has not had the same passion for The Magic Faraway Tree series that O had though I think I could actually read them half asleep with my eyes shut , so there would be that advantage . I am finishing week 11 of the BBG and feeling really pleased with myself . I did my first round in 2014 / 2015 ( 18 weeks to be exact ) before I suddenly hit a wall . . only to be diagnosed with colon cancer a few weeks later . It was somewhat gratifying in a bizarre and dark way to know that it wasn 't my advancing age and old bones and a decrepit pelvic floor that made me suddenly unable to continue where apparently hundreds had managed before me . After a year of treatment and surgeries left me with no muscle and masses of cellulite dimpling my skinny yet flaccid thighs I finally marshalled my willpower and got back on the wagon . I did the 4 week pre - bbg workout and then did week 1 to 6 of the BBG . After week 6 the workouts keep increasing in general mental - ness and I didn 't quite feel ready so I went back to week 1 and this time I felt fine to carry on through . I do modify some moves , jump lunges feel like a one way street all the way to a sprained ankle or twisted knee so I do them static . And the ones where you do a burpee and leap onto a bench have been abandoned in the wake of a slew of bruises and scrapes . But even with modifications it is still a hard workout that you can fit in just about anytime , anywhere . I plan to just keep doing 12 week loops until I get bored . I don 't see a massive change on the outside but have definitely made leaps and bounds in strength and fitness and I am trying to keep that as my main goal . I am on the final straight with my swan for Y 's wall . I have been plodding away with it since November , although not solidly , and like most projects has lost its sparkle a little as it turned into something to be finished though as i now start the finishing up and putting together I am again excited to see the finished product . Hope to update on this very soon . If you like the look of these check out Vanessa Mooncie 's Animal Heads it was a present last christmas and I have made 2 fox heads ( one as a gift and I loved him so much I made another for myself - he doesn 't look as boss - eyed in real life as he does here ) and now the swan . O has a request queued for the stag head and then I will DEFINITELY need a break from animal heads for a while . I would not describe myself as anything more than a novice crochet - er so if you know the basic stitches and want a change from blankets I would absolutely recommend you give it a whirl . Thanks , July , you were a cracker . . 4 August , 20164 August , 2016 ~ birdie and the optimist ~ Leave a comment I had every intention of regularly updating this blog through the summer , chronicling these long hot days and planning things to keep the boredom away but so far the summer is flying past and I have barely had time to pop on and keep up with blogs I follow , much less post anything of substance . Work is not incredibly busy but I am full time until the end of October so busy or not I am in the office , putting in the time . H also works a lot in the summer and when he has a job on he is out from dawn until after the kids go to bed . We all notice his absence hugely , I am sure I have mentioned this more than once but he really does keep everything going , always . The three of us alone , we cope for about 5 days and then after that it all slowly starts crumbling . I find it so hard to keep up with the house and the kids and work on my own and it really stresses me out . Seeing as more than ever this year one of our main aims is to keep life as stress free as possible he is trying to keep the jobs short but it is not always possible - when you are freelance and working in a seasonal industry you need to grab the work while it is going . Having said all that , we are having a blast . I think we are . The kids are at home when H has no work on but they have had a couple of weeks of summer school ( more like day camp than school ) . Loads of their friends go , they play games , swim and seem to have a load of fun at the time BUT although they went last year and had a blast this year they have been more reluctant . Maybe because it was a bit old hat , maybe it just wasn 't as fun , but they moaned and moaned each morning as if we were sending them off to a 9 - 5 job rather than splash and play fun . Actually I think at least partly they have just been really tired and like any sane person were not really feeling like happy clappy jumpy excitement at 0900 in the morning . I feel you kids , I feel you . BUT life is real . We need to work , y * quick note : The fact that it has taken me several hours just to download , rotate , rename and edit the photos from the last month or so should give an idea of how much we have been up to . And that I evidently take FAR too many photos , obviously . There was a lot going on in July . Apart from various excursions around our home island and outings with friends we had several trips away . One of my sisters lives in Singapore ; luckily she gets work trips back at least once a year and we went to visit them the Christmas before last so we haven 't gone too long without seeing each other but when she lived in London we saw each other every few months and I never , EVER , stop missing her . So with 2 weekends free between her work obligations I made a very un - ' me ' decision to go to London to see her , just the two of us , for a couple of nights . Yeah , ok , the pics are fairly unremarkable . In my defense I was far too busy walking and chatting and hanging out to take too many pictures . And I already have more pictures of London than anyone really needs . But you get the idea . I was there . It 's London , you know what it looks like . No cute snaps of photogenic kids this time so , moving on … The following weekend I went back with the kids to see my parents , also in the UK , and to catch my sister again on her last weekend before she went home . The timing of my sister 's trip landed quite fabulously on my mum 's 60something birthday so we organised it so she could have all 3 of her girls , and 2 of her grandkids , with her to celebrate . It was so special ; the last time we were all together was 2014 , so although it was a little extravagant to have 2 trips to London 2 weekends in a row , I TOTALLY justified it to myself . And anyone who would listen long enough . Repeatedly . Alpacas ! We got back from the visit to my parents a day or two before one of my very best friends arrived with her family to stay with us for the week . The weekend after they left was H 's 40th birthday which we celebrated with family and friends on the beach until late . It was absolutely perfect , he didn 't stop smiling all night . . and then - I sprang a surprise holiday on H and the boys - we left for the north of spain the wednesday after the party . He was very surprised , as were the kids . I was more than a little proud of myself for sorting it all AND sitting on the secret for weeks and weeks . For years we have talked about travelling around our home country more but usually all of our holiday time and budget is taken up visiting family and friends in the UK . Yet there is so much we want to see and we really , more than ever , want to start making little spaces in time for the four of us to get out and explore together , just us . Summer is brutally hot here and a perfect time to visit the much cooler , greener north . Last year we celebrated 10 years of marriage and we always thought we would do something special to celebrate . As it turned out I had to do chemo and radiotherapy instead . Them 's the breaks . But now I am fine ! and H was turning 40 ! The stars were aligned . It was absolutely fabulous and worth it a million times over . I think this will deserve its own post . . watch this space . I feel knackered just thinking we did all of that ! It has been such a busy month but so full of family and friends and laughter and joy and love . We spent a lot of money doing it all , not particularly money we have to spare . Usually I am very sensible and cautious and all those other adjectives that can also be translated as BORING but which help us to stay on the straight and narrow and ( mortgage aside ) largely debt free . It can be stressful juggling our accounts especially with the very unpredictable nature of H 's work and the total lack of work for at least 3 months of the year . So I don 't spend money on big things very lightly . But one of the things my experience of the last year ( tl ; dr : cancer ) has taught me . . ( and YES personally I feel it has taught me a shitload ; not a universally popular opinion but it is mine and is genuinely how I feel ) is the impermanence of things . Not like I didn 't know it before . But now that concept is really REAL to me . I am hyper aware of the uncertainty of tomorrow . Maybe that fades over time , but in a way I kind of hope not . Because I truly think it is a blessing to actually really feel like all we have is the here and now . Of course I plan and hope and dream for a long future . But I want to live NOW . The old me probably would have decided to do only one of those trips to the UK . But my sister lives so far away , I see her so little , in the scheme of things what is a few hundred quid to spend a weekend alone together ? My parents won 't be here forever , what cost is it really to let them have all three of their daughters together for a day or two ? I don 't think we can remotely understand how nice it is for my parents to have us three all in the same place . Even being a parent I can only imagine the silence and emptiness when my kids eventually leave home and the joy to see them when they return . And even then it is only something I can imagine in relation to my own kids , I find it hard to actually connect that with how my parents feel about me . But they do . My mum cries … So now we are in August and the summer is halfway through . In another 5 weeks the kids are back at school . I am not sure we have ever had a summer go so fast . So far it is everything I hoped for . At some point there will probably be a post about this dammed heat and how hideous it is and how LONG the summer is and WHEN WILL IT END WILL THESE KIDS EVER GO BACK TO SCHOOL ? ! But for now I am flying high on the bliss that was July . It truly rocked . And finally . To my darling Sonny . You were an absolute legend and a total weirdo . We all adored you and you will have a place in our heart forever , you should have grown very much older , we all feel cheated that you went so soon . don 't judge , we all have fat times total . weirdo . ( no he didn 't die from being massively overweight , he slimmed down rather a lot after his ' troubled time ' - ssh lets not talk of it ) Summer holidays are go ! 7 July , 20167 July , 2016 ~ birdie and the optimist ~ Leave a comment Finally ! The summer holidays are underway . The endless ' fin de curso ' ( end of term ) meals and parties and presents and celebrations finally done . They seem to last all of June and makes it one of the most expensive months of the year . I could have just started the month by standing outside the school with my wallet open , full of notes , and told everyone to help themselves amd the effect would have been the same . Every day there was something to pay for : a present for this teacher and that coach , last minute birthday parties being squeezed in before everyone scatters , meals with this group and that , tickets to a ' concert ' where my youngest and his friends showed off the tumbles they had learnt . Okay that was quite cute but I am still sceptical that a formal show in the village theatre was really necessary and suspect our payments for a 15 minute demo of manic dancing and tumbling to insane techno music mainly served to reduce the cost for the overwhelming majority of older kids who had a 1 . 5 hour show after us . Call me cynical . I prefer bitter . We also got pressed into paying for a ' meal ' in the park afterward . Allegedly hamburgers . In reality pathetic looking little patties on a plain bun . What ? No lettuce or tomato ? Ha ! Not . even . cheese . Parents are walking targets . Anything related to our children and we just shell it out . God I am so bitter . Am I tight ? I really don 't think so . You sell me a service ie a kids gym group . I pay for said service . I pay . I use . It is a business transaction . Why do I have to buy you a present for selling me the service I used ? I DON ' T UNDERSTAND . I pay . Don 't worry , I pay and for form teachers happily and willing . But for the rest I have yet to be convinced . I want to resist , stand up for my principals , but I find especially here it is very hard to go against the grain . People don 't as a rule complain about this kind of thing . If it is done you do it . When the burger plSo . Kids . Lights of my life , dearest souls , givers and receivers of the greatest love there is . I hope to record here snippets of our life . Parts of me . But know that they can only ever be the tiniest glimpses . We are having so much fun . I can 't record it all . I am not a natural diarist but it is happening and we are living it every day . You will just have to believe me . Our days are full of the good the bad and the ugly ; kisses and hugs , shouts and tantrums , I love yous and tongues sticking out and you don 't love me and I SO SO DO . Mummy you are the best . Mum you suck ( I am . I do ) . Swimming pool and football and frisbee on the beach . Hold my shoulders I will swim out a bit further . Stand on my shoulders and I will be your springboard . Late nights with friends , late nights with cousins . Its not all here , not even the half of it , but I can tell you real life is full on and I love it all , every second . And so do you . You are loved , adored , happy . We all are . An Ode … 9 May , 20169 May , 2016 ~ birdie and the optimist ~ Leave a comment Sunlight , bird call , wake me up at crack of dawn A short ode to the marvel of sleeping late on school morning Hahaha what an inspired poet ! It is a weekly miracle . This ability to wake early , happy and cheery , full of the endless possibilities of weekend followed surely and swiftly by the grumpy monday morning would - be lie - in . How different Mondays are since having kids . I adore my children ( kids I really do , more than life itself ) and love the time we spend together . But BUT . After the intensive family - time weekend I go to work on Monday full of my own endless possibilities of cups of tea in silence . Time to check mails or catch up on errands that were too boring to drag the kids on . A quick coffee with friends and colleagues . Chat that isn 't interrupted a million times to feed , water , wipe , calm , comfort and referee . Time to be me , not mummy . I am sorry for all the times I cursed and dreaded you . Failed to appreciate your own unique beauty . I love you , Monday . So now you are 9 . NINE ! Your last year of single digits . Every single year has seen so many changes as you grow and grow . From baby to toddler , from toddler to preschooler , preschooler to primary . And yet I never stop marvelling at the changes one single year can bring . How much you grow into yourself , develop interests or skills , become more you . The physical changes are really the least of them but they are still notable . You have of course grown taller and ever leaner . It seems I am forever noticing your trousers are a bit tighter in the waist , shorter in the leg . Who would have guessed that squidgey round little ball of a boy , all crinkles and dimples and soft round edges would be one of the slimmest in his class , all elbows and knees and hard sharp angles ? Even that beautiful face , once so round I used to joke we could barely see the bones underneath is now slim and defined . Your eyes are always the same ; gorgeous big blues framed with thick black lashes that go on for days and have the Mamas and Abuelas cooing over you wherever we go . Still . Always . You are a gorgeous kid but it pales in comparison to your lovely gentle soul . There is something different about you that I have never been able to put my finger on . There is a goodness , a very sweet innocence that just pours out of you and is picked up by anyone around you . You are thoughtful and kind hearted , so eager to please , so keen to be liked . You move through the world in a happy , dreamy , bubble , more or less oblivious to the world around you . This makes you , on the one hand , one of the clumsiest kids I know , and believe me I identify with you on this . Your ability to enter a room and somehow inadvertantly clout your brother on the head while spilling something is unsurpassed in this house . It also makes you oblivious to many of the uglier things in life . Everything in this world is amazing to you , it is all beautiful and wonderful . You rarely complain about anything . Quite the opposite ; you have an infectious wonder about the world and a positivity thaAll the same they are precious , ceilings , feet and all . Where I have hours ' worth of two minute clips of my children , in amongst these few videos , for all their length , the passing shots of my sisters and I , my parents , are short and sweet . The camera pans past my Dad , standing tall and strong , with our beloved dog , gone over 10 years now , to focus on something in the distance and I find myself willing it back , wishing it had lingered a bit longer on those I really want to see . Wishing I hadn 't been such a stereotypical camera shy teen , ducking out of view or letting my curtain of hair swing down over my face . That we had known to just focus on each of US a bit more . Realised that in 10 or 20 years we wouldn 't care about the rest of it . About scenery or how beautiful the snow looked settled thick and deep on the floor of the woods , and it truly did . How could I not know , it seems so obvious now , that I would just long to see how we all were , together . In our family home , also gone too long ago now . The last place we were our family together . Before university and travelling and boyfriends who became husbands and babies who became children and new lives and new families and new homes . So much has happened . So much has changed . It almost hurts my heart . Everyone always says how they might be 30 , 40 , 50 but they still feel the same inside . I don 't know that I do . In many ways I haven 't changed at all . My voice and manner of speaking are identical . I don 't look so different though my face lost that roundness a long time ago and gained fine lines in its place and I finally ditched the fringe . But it doesn 't feel like yesterday . It feels like a very long time ago and the girl I see on the screen looks at once like me and also like someone else , someone I used to know really well but haven 't seen in a really long time . I miss my dog . I don 't think of him so often anymore but seeing him on the video brought it all back . God I loved him . I had moved abroad a year before he died then my parents sold the house and moved away so I never went back , never saw the lack of him in our home . The empty space on the floor where he used to sprawl or the space on the sofa next to my mum that he claimed as his own . I don 't think I could really conceive he was gone . A couple of years ago , many years since he died , I saw a dog of the same breed . He was an Irish Setter , and a beautiful one too . I don 't think this is entirely biased ; his father was a prize winning show - dog and he had inherited the gorgeous gene for sure . I had occasionally seen others about but they never looked quite the same . Too small , coat not shiny enough , too curly , too straight . Then this particular day I was out with H walking around , doing nothing much , and I saw this dog sat by his owners . I went up to them and asked if I could stroke him . Explained I had lost my dog and he reminded me of him . I crouched down to stroke him , he looked up at me , and I burst into very uncharacteristic public tears . In the middle of this busy shopping street all over this random couple having a quiet coffee . They must have thought I was nuts , but when he looked up at me he looked just like mine and it broke my heart in such an unexpected way . Many memories of home involve walking the dog . In the woods where he used to leap and jump , a flash of deep red coat flying through the trees . Up at the bmx track near the school with my friend where we were once flashed by a creep in a shellsuit ( hilarious until we had to give a detailed account to police later . Teenage me NEARLY . DIED . ) , over the fields next to the house , down the rocky road , along the abandoned railway embankment . Hours and hours of walking , with friends , with my mum , and very often alone , listening to my mix tape of 90s hits on my walkman . One of those NOW THAT ' S WHAT I CALL MUSIC compilations that my mum gave me every Christmas . Then yesterday I was making dinner , and listening to the radio . And I swear they were just playing a copy of the same mixtape . Living where I live , with local radio as it is I would not be surprised if that is exactly what they were doing . Sleeping Satellite , Walking in Memphis . THE SCORPIONS ( Winds of Change ) . Don 't judge me . Teenage me was not cool . Especially when it came to music . I liked The Beatles and Elvis , Elton John , David Bowie and Simon and Garfunkel , The Lemonheads , Nirvana and miscellaneous Pop Hits that any self respecting teenager during grunge era would have rejected outright . I liked what I liked . The POINT IS it was weird , coming right at the time it did . They played these songs one after the other and I was transported back to that house , that time , those walks with my dog . A nostalgic week for sure . I miss home . I wish it was there still . I think part of me thinks if it was things would be different now , we could have preserved more of the family we were . But mainly I just miss having that place where all the memories are , I still remember how the hallway carpet felt as I lay on my stomach playing / rewinding / playing tapes trying to write the lyrics down . How we all clattered down the stairs and used the pommel to swing around the turn at the end . And how our Dad used to HATE that we did that . How we trailed our free hand up the wall as we went up and down the stairs , leaving grubby marks , something my kids now do and which drives me as crazy as it did my Dad way back when . The truth is my parents haven 't had a steady stable home base since they left and we all three grew up and away , scattered to the winds as they say . So we are all rarely together , and whenever we are it is as often as not in a new , different place that means nothing to us beyond being where my parents live . As grown up as I get I still find that hard . I miss that house so much . All of this prompted by this visit , those tapes . I compare the nature of the snippets I choose to record ; usually H with the kids , and I guess in their turn maybe they will wish there was more of me . In that respect I haven 't changed at all . I am still the teenager ducking out of frame , looking down and mumbling self consciously . H laughs you would think the world was watching for how nervous I look . No , the me you see on camera isn 't the real me . I am the person who records the moments , takes the photos and videos and is now trying to edit and compile to make it all easily accessible to look back on . It is one of the greatest tangible things I can gift them , these records of our life together . Before they get big and leave home and go wherever life takes them and things change forever . I hope that when they watch our videos or look at our photos that , although I may not make frequent appearances , i am there . I hope they understand they are seeing themselves as I see them . That the way the camera follows them , lingers on their face , captures their every move ; that is me . That is me seeing them and loving them and trying to capture a million moments I want to hold onto . I am very much there , they are looking through my eyes .

Karii and Ekii are finished ! I know I 've said it before but I have to say it again ! I LOVE WORKING ON THESE LITTLE THINGS ! I am definitely addicted to Dunnys and I can 't stop working on the platform . Anyway who cares ! Keep reading for a closer introduction of these two little fellas . " Karii comes from the northern part of the Whispering Woods . It is slightly colder here but his coat is thick and warm . Karii is part of the Deer Folk tribe . This tribe always travel in heards through the woods . Just like deers they are always on their guard and they can be quite hard to spot . They specialize in camouflage and melt in with their surroundings really well . Not much is known about them as they tend to keep to themselves . Maybe they will let us in one day , but until then , lets enjoy their beauty from a distance . " Keep in mind that these are only 3 " tall and the detail on the wood was very time consuming . Karii came out just as cute as I 'd planned and I think he looks pretty much exactly like the picture I drew . Whispering Woods is such a large part of Tomodachi Island and I have got loads of creatures lined up from this part . I wish I had more than two hands sometimes . . . " Ekii is a shy little creature . Part of the species Snubble Folk . He is very small , about the size of a house mouse and his favourite thing to do is to build little nests inside of old tree trunks . Don 't think that his nests would look anything like a mouses though . Oh no , Ekii spends allot of time planning and gathering the perfect materials for his nests . They may be small but oh so grand ! He is a craftsman and his handy work is quite impressive . Maybe he will show us one day , but for now only the Snubble folk of the Whispering Woods will truly know what his creations look like , as they are the only ones he work for . " I think it is obvious that Ekii took me the longest to make . His pine - cone / acorn hat nearly drove me insane . Saying that I probably didn 't have to spend half as long on it as I did . I have discovered that the scalpel is a much better " sanComment Finished this piece that I 've been working on for the past few days yesterday . I call it Beautiful Decay . These drawings won 't be for sale , and you might have noticed that the " Earth Mother " illustration has been taken down too . There is something going on with these graphite drawings that I can 't tell you about . I don 't know how long it will be before I can either . It could be a month , 3 month or maybe a year . But sooner or later I will let you know . Meanwhile I hope you will enjoy looking at them and I would love to know your views on them too . This is my favorite type of medium , graphite . I 've tried to step away from it so many times . Tried my hand at painting rather than drawing . But I finally reached the point where I asked myself " Why ? " . I had no good reason to step away from pencil drawings as it is what I am good at . I guess I thought in my head that no gallery in the world would take on a pencil drawing . But I have learnt to stay true to myself , as an artist , over the past year and now I 'm focusing at the things I love rather then trying to do it " right " by taking on mediums I don 't even enjoy working with . I think it shows in my art that I have matured as well . I have stepped away from the cartoony digital paintings I used to create and started drawing more realistic in a way . I want to start taking life drawing classes at some point and learn more about anatomy and the human form . " Swashbuckling Judith - She is the Queen of Candy Coves sister , believe it or not . Several years ago she was caught leaving the Island on a pirate ship that was passing by . Now she travels the seven seas together with her pirate mateys in search of treasure . Some say that she 's lost her mind , but who knows . She 's not set foot on Tomodachi Island since she left so these are only rumors . She was last seen on a ship heading towards Switzerland " My very first Dunny Commission ! I am in love with 3 " Dunnys and I have gotten myself a smaller army of them after this . I was so daunted by working on something so small . But it turned out to be a delight to work on these 3 " beauties ! Swashbuckling Judith sits on a 3 " Kidrobot Sword Swallower Dunny ! She 's got a pretty collection of skull beads decorating her hat . And who can travel the seven seas on a pirate ship without a Jolly Roger ? Not Judith anyway ! Comment Good Morning and here 's to a new week . Last week was a bit of a stress for me trying to get my shop launch up and going . I am an expert at stressing for no good reason and so I burnt myself out a bit last week . This has resulted in extreme tiredness . I forget about the sleep I actually do need when I am on a creative streak so I am trying to catch up on some now . I 'm not doing very well . . . Last night , or this morning rather I went to bed at 4 . 00 am . Shivering as my body and brain is just so exhausted . I really don 't know why I do this to myself , there 's just no helping me . The shop launch went well anyway . There was a few things that messed up like the shipping prices for example . So I have decided to offer Free World Wide shipping on all items ! I hope that the huge shipping prices didn 't put people off ( which I am sure it did ) ! But now they 're gone anyway so if they did put you off you 're welcome back to have another looksie . " The Passing to Yurei " went within 30 min of the shop launch so I guess someone was sitting there waiting . He will be leaving me today to begin his journey to his new home . I am super excited to have sold my very first custom toy ! I 've also received a Dunny commission that I will be starting this week . If you 're interested in a commission for whatever it may be then HERE is a form that you can fill out and I will get back to you with a quote ! Now I 'm on to the next chapter of Tomodachi Island . I 've started sculpting it but won 't show you until the ball is rolling what I am working on . Lets just say that I am pretty excited about it and as always I love to discover new grounds . There will not be another big batch of toys but there will be random additions to the shop as I make them from now on . There will probably be small series from time to time , but not a big batch of 10 like last Friday . It was quite simply to launch my shop , and it was way to stressful for me LOL ! I 've got a load of 3 " Dunnys coming my way as well . So I am looking forward to getting some Dunny action in the shop in a near fComment " Rikkit Tikki - The coolest girl at the Bamboo Coast . She wasn 't cool before her one of a kind Adidas pumps got washed up on the beach on day though . Now she struts around in her pumps with everyone being super jealous . After she got her shoes she just wont wear anything else but black and white to match . Strange little thing she is , but she sure has got the coolest pumps on the Island . . . " She came out so sweet ! I 've been working hard over the weekend to finish Rikki Tikki . I 've promised a preview of my sale for today and so I just had to finish her . I am happy to say that all is ready to go now ! I 've been so busy over the past two months trying to get my first sale up . I am very proud of myself to say the least . Two months ago I didn 't have any custom toys and now I 've finished 10 ( ! ) . You will get the preview later today as I am still to price everything . Rikki Tikki sits on a 5 " MadL platform . Sculpted with Super Sculpey , painted with acrylics and finished with a UV resistant matte varnish . The pompoms are needle felted : ) She will be available from the webshop on Friday the 1st of May at £ 110 . More info to come ! Good morning and welcome to my workshop ! Yeah I thought I 'd give you a tour . It might not be the most interesting blog post for some but I love looking at other peoples work spaces and so I thought I 'd show you mine . It will be updated soon as well so I might do a before and after post lol . This is where I spend most of my time when I 'm not busy being a mom , which I am about 90 % of the time . But since my other half work from home as well and part time we take it in turns so that we get loads of work time AND baby time which is great ! I have no room left on my shelves for toys so they have started migrating down to my desk which is a bit of a pickle but it shall soon be sorted . I spend allot of time here by my precious computer doing everything and nothing . It used to be a great computer once but is quite dated and sad now that there is no time for games in my life anymore . It used to fly on the back of a dragon through beautiful lands in World of Warcraft , fight the Scurge in Star Craft , grunt like an orc in Warhammer and so on and so forth . But that is a time long gone now . Which is probably for the best as I get allot more done these days . I keep allot of inspiration around me all the time and my drawing pads close if an idea pops up in my head . It is very handy . As I said , my shelves are FULL ! It will hopefully clear up a bit after my sale , but I know I will be quick to fill it up again so something has to be done here . I need more shelves ! This is where I keep all toys , finished and unfinished as well as some artwork . The painting hiding in the back is something I started a while ago and never finished . I don 't know if I will ever finish it to be honest . Only time will tell . I got a load of paper toys from Dolly Oblong sitting up there and my precious little Bubbles ! Dolly Oblong is one of my biggest inspirations and I need her stuff around me ! I also LOVE paper toys . I have a whole book full that I haven 't made yet as I have nowhere to put them . I will have to get myself a glass cabinet for them as they are 1 Likes " He was once a magnificent beast from the Whispering Woods . He migrated to the Sakura Sanctuary quite some time ago now . He has now reached his final form as a Yūrei and is now ready to leave the island to become part of the spirit realm . " Rooz is now finished and I 've almost hit the finish line . One more to go and the sale is only a week and a half away . I am very happy with Rooz and so pleased to have worked on this kidrobot platform . I know he is quite rare , but I don 't understand why . It is amazing to work on and has a super cute silhouette . The are hard to come by but I hope to work on this platform again in the future . I always keep an eye out for good deals and rare platforms so I am sure I will bump in to him again some time . I used decals for his forehead and his back which worked really well with this job . For tiny detail I find the decals very handy and I love designing them on the computer . It can be a real struggle to work with when it 's this small though . But with patience it will come together in the end . " The Passing to Yūrei " will be part of the sale on May 1st at 12 : 00pm GMT . " Well well well if it ain 't the Miochos . They 're part of the Queens guard but they are pretty lousy at their job . Laughing and joking about absolutely everything . No one knows why she hired them but I guess they do bring her a good laugh . There 's not really anything to worry about on Tomodachi Island anyway , so why not laugh instead . " Oh I am feeling productive this week and I 've only got two more toys to finish and one drawing before my big sale on May 1st ! I can 't wait . Love how these came out and it was nice to work on something different this time . I do love sculpting but I think I will keep painting and using decals as well in the future . Especially on tiny vinyl figures like these 2 . 5 " Dudeboxes . These will be for sale at £ 35 . 00 each on May 1st ! " The Eggloton Triplets are highly addicted to chocolate eggs . That is why they 've taken on the shape of an egg themselves . No one knows exactly where on Tomodachi Island they descend from as they never stop roaming the Island in search of more chocolate eggs . One year Tomodachi Island completely ran out of chocolate eggs due to the Triplets and they are only allowed to pick a certain amount now . " Means to an end THEY ARE DONE ! Wow I feel like celebrating with champagne ! Man am I happy to have finished these dudes ! For a while there I nearly gave up as I struggled so much with various elements on these guys . I am happy to say that they came out exactly as I wanted them in the end and that I have learnt a shed load of new things making these . What a journey ! All of them will be up for sale on the 1st of May ! So if you 're interested they will be selling at £ 149 . 00 ( shipping not included ) . Comment Wow I am so sorry ! 11 days and no blog posts . I started last week with getting ill and having loads of orders to do . Not a good combination if you want to get toys and artwork done as well . What normally takes me a day to complete took me three so I have had next to no time to work on my personal projects . I did manage to start my mini dudes however and I thought I 'd give a little update on what 's actually going on here . As you know I am working hard to have my first art and toy sale here on the Tomodachi Island website . I am happy to say that I am almost there . I have set a date and the date will be the 1st of May ! So do mark this date in your Calendars if you 're interested in any of my pieces . I will hold a preview 5 days before the actual sale , with prices and all the items available . I am working on three 2 . 5 " Dudes and this 4 " Kidrobot Rooz at the moment . I also hope to get started on this MADL this week , and that will be it before the big sale . I also received another 7 " Foomi in the post the other day . She 's for my next sale that will be on the 1st of June . I hoped to get her done for the first sale but I am realizing that I am running out of time and this one will be quite detailed . Many hours will be put in to this one and I have high expectations of her . As you know , the big Dudeboxes are finished but I am still waiting for their zipper pulls . They should be with me by next week and I can 't wait to show you these guys in all their glory . I am so happy with them even though I nearly gave up half way through . I guess to actually finish them is the reward at the end of a long long struggle . And it does make it all worth while . This week will be full of WIP pictures and updates to make up for the past week that gave you absolutely nothing . I am looking forward to it and I hope you are too . Yet again sorry for leaving you in the dark last week . I 'm back with vigor this week ! Since it is throwback Thursday today I thought I 'd take you a few years back in time . When digital painting and sci - fi used to be my biggest passion . Funny how time changes you isn 't it ? I went through a stage here where I learnt an awful lot about digital painting and the human form . Sky Doll used to be ( and still is I guess ) my biggest inspiration . I also found allot of inspiration in comic books and super heroes in general . My aspirations as a digital painter were massive and I think the degree I was doing at the time really pushed me to discover the human form and anatomy . This was the time when I started coming up with original characters and explore my mind as not only an artist but also a writer ( if you can call it that ) . I never used to build up stories around my characters , but when we were asked to write a script for a film and read it aloud to the class it opened up a new part of my brain . I really excelled when me and my other half decided to go to the Brecon Beacons and camp for 8 weeks in total . My other half worked as an extra on " Wrath of the Titans " and I decided to camp for the whole time as well . I do love camping but staying in a tent that long did drive me a bit mad I think . I found myself out in the woods looking for sticks that I could build things out of in the end . I actually built a pretty nice looking shoe rack LOL . Anyway , as you might have guessed , the pen and paper became my best friends and I spent hours upon hours without no distraction , just drawing and drawing . The amount of characters I came out with was just unbelievable . Could probably have written quite a few comic books for them . This picture got featured as a Daily Deviation on DeviantART and gave me a super boost . I was so proud ( and still am ) of this piece . It is one out of few that have actually hung on my walls . I only just recently took it down as I felt that I am on a different path as an artist now and ready to explore new grounds . So that is what my art used to be like . Changed a bit huh ? What I will always take with1 Comment I 've finished one of the more elaborate drawings for my up and coming sale . It is part of a series I started long ago called " Earth Mother " . I finished the sketches about half a year ago and have been very indecisive with them . I couldn 't decide whether to paint them or draw them . I 'm not much of a painter though and in the end I decided to go with pencil . I think it was the right decision . I 've always had a fascination for wood in all its forms and I love the power of nature and how she can reclaim more or less anything . I believe , no matter how much the human race will destroy on this planet , mother nature will always win in the end . I don 't know how , but in one way or the other she will . It 'll probably mean that the human race will be wiped out completely though . She is the first in a series anyway . A series of female busts that have been reclaimed by nature in various ways . I don 't know when I will finish the rest , but they will pop up now and then . I will have a limited amount of prints for sale as well as the original . Comment This project is definitely one of the longest ever . The finish line just feels further and further away every day . Funny thing with toys is that I always finish them . If this was a painting I would probably never finish it , as I run out of patience when things take to long . It goes to show once again that I am truly in my element now . I think this is the last time I will be working on three toys at the same time however . But they do go in the same series so I guess it had to be done . The paint job took forever and is only about 50 % done . I can 't wait to be able to afford some proper air brush paint like the high flow Golden acrylics though . I got black and white the other day and I now know why everyone loves Golden Acrylics so much . They sure as hell are the best acrylics out there for custom toys , and probably for painting as well . I also managed to break all the zippers whilst painting them . But I think it was for the best or they 'd probably broken in transit anyway knowing my luck . But I have a solution to that problem that will look so much cooler . So no biggie really . Sorry for the lack of updates this week by the way . Been a busy one and yesterday I took my little baby girl to London for the day which was a bit of an adventure . Today I am absolutely knackered though . Looking forward to next week when I plan to get loads done and hopefully finish these little devils . 1 Comment Sorry for being a bit slow with this . It just hit me that I have a load of new followers that are new to Tomodachi Island . So I thought I 'd introduce you to this drifting island that all my creatures originate from . This Island somehow got stuck on a giant whale 's back thousands and thousands of years ago and ever since , it has been drifting around the seas of our planet . And maybe this is why no one have ever seen it before . There are eight areas that have been explored and another two where no one have set foot yet . Starting from the north is ; The Toketsu Mountain - A cold , frozen and snow covered mountain which holds some enormous , but gentle , beasts . These beasts watch over the rest of Tomdoachi Island . They are the guardians of the Island and everyone who lives there . Snowball Colony - This area is the home to many shy creatures . They like to hide in their snowball - like caves but can be seen every so often , having massive snowball wars . They may be shy but they sure are a happy bunch . The Whispering Woods - One of the largest areas of Tomodachi Island with a vast number of species . There are new species found in the Whispering Woods every day . They range from the size of a flea to the size of a blue whale . A place hard to describe that has to be seen to be believed . Bamboo Coast - Home to some furry fluffy gentle giants . A very slow moving place where hugs and cuddles are priority one . In this place you can find piles of creatures just chilling under the high bamboo . A place where worries have no home . The Soot Hideaway - This is the home of the darkest creatures of Tomodachi Island . This doesn 't make them evil at all , as no evil exists on Tomodachi Island . But they tend to be recluse , like to keep to themselves and they are very sensitive to the light . They do like to venture out at night and this is why they 're so rarely seen by others . During the dark nights they venture out to bury surprises and treasures around the Island just to keep the rest of the Island happy . The Sakura Sanctuary - This is where theComment I only just finished my first custom vinyl toy . It is litteraly just over a month since I did Trikky and Brob and just a couple of weeks ago that I finished The Queen of Candy Cove . I could never have imagined being featured by Kidrobot them selves but not only did they feature The Queen of Candy cove on their Instagram but also in their Blog ! I 've been such a massive fan of Kidrobot for years and years so to be featured by them is a huge dream come true . Wow ! I 'm so happy ! Thank you guys so much ! As if that wasn 't enough , The Toy Chronicle , which is an amazing UK Toy Blog that I have followed for quite some time as well , did a full feature on me . The feature made me feel special and it 's brought out even more inspiration than I thought was possible . The boost from these features is just amazing . I really feel on top of the world and I can 't say thank you enough ! THAAAAAANNNNKKK YOOOU ! < 3CLICK THE PICTURES TO READ THE FULL FEATURES ! I 've almost finished all the illustrations for the sale . I have one more to do and then they will be sent off for printing . Now I thought I 'd tell you a bit about myself as an artist , what is behind these strange creatures and where they descend from . I 've been down many different paths of art throughout my life to say the least . I 've gone from nature and bird paintings to tattoos , from digital painting to traditional illustration . And I will probably head down many more before my life on this earth ends . Finding myself as an artist has been a roller coaster ride . And even though I take allot of pride in being an artist , I have always found it very hard to be judged by others . Don 't get me wrong , I love all the feedback I can get and it makes me grow both as a person and as an artist . But since my art is so dear to me and something I don 't necessarily do for profit , but for myself and myself only . It is my therapy and it is hard to have it judged by others because it is my saviour in many ways . In my drawings you can see the essence of me , the essence of Emelie and I guess the somewhat escapist that I am . It is hard for me to write about my art and it triggers many emotions doing so . But I think it is something I have to share now that I have finally decided to sell my art . To think that any of you out there would like to own a piece of me is hard for me to comprehend . This is why I am sharing my deepest thoughts with you so you know what it is you buy if you decide to become the owner of one of my pieces . And it is important that you know the depth behind these creatures . Anyway , back to me , being an escapist . I truly am an escapist and I think I always have been . I am scared of many things in this world . Scared of the dark , scared of death , scared of being left alone and so on . Fears that I know I 'm not the only one to have , but they effect me every day , in ways that they shouldn 't . My way of dealing with these fears is to escape to my own made up world where these things just don 't exist . My fears got worse 4 Comments " As the sun sets over Tomodachi Island the Snow Colossus whale - like song can be heard from the Toketsu Mountain . His lullaby sends the Yeti Folk into a deep sleep . They know that the Snow Colossus will be watching over them as they dream of new adventures and distant lands . " The Snow Colossus is an old concept of mine . I meant to make a huge plush sculpture out of him a couple of years ago . I gave up on the project though but he has always remained strong in my mind . As I was doodeling the other day he appeared in my sketchbook once again and I decided to make him in to a proper drawing . He is quite a magnificent beast and I thought he 'd deserved it . He is a very calm creature who tends to make me calm to . I can imagine myself sitting in a field below the Toketsu Mountain watching the sun go down as I listen to his song . Wouldn 't it be great if these creatures were real ? Imagine how much calmer and friendlier the world would be . The Snow Colossus - Lullaby will be part of my future sale sometime during April . You will be able to pick up prints and the original will be up for grabs as well . I thought I 'd give you a closer introduction to my sketchbook . Funny enough this is the first sketchbook I 've ever owned . Sure I have had plenty of art pads , but I don 't class them as the same . This book has opened up my creative streak tremendously . I can 't say I have a straight answer as to why or how , it just has . I guess you could say that it is what a notebook would be to a writer . Somewhere that I can just spew out my ideas as soon as they pop in to mind . I don 't have to think about composition , I don 't have to think about materials or colours . All I have to do is grab a pencil , sit down on the couch whilst watching Farscape or some other cool Sci - Fi series and then just draw . I think the brown recycled paper helps an awful lot as well . When I sit down with white good quality paper , that 's when I mean business , that is where everything has to be perfect . But with this brown paper there are no rules and plenty of room for mistakes . I can try to explain how important this book is to me but words will never be able to describe how free I feel when drawing in this book . I just love it so much ! So to any of you artists out there that suffer from creative blocks . Go and get yourselves one of these , they don 't cost much and I swear that it will make all the difference to your creativity . Let the creativity flow is all I can say ! What an amazing little thing this book turned out to be ! Comment I did manage to get some sculpting done over the weekend anyway . So the Dudes now got little horns in various shapes and sizes and the third Dude has got a face as well . I managed to start on the zippers as well which was one hell of a tricky one but came out nice in the end . Teeny tiny detail . . . . Even made my hand shake for a second and I can 't say that has ever happened before . The detail is great though and I 'm very pleased with the end result . Now I got another two to make . . . pheeeeew ! Maybe maybe maybe I will be able to start a paint job next week . Let 's hope ey ! And the third face is in place . Might make some small changes to this one though , it don 't feel finished for some reason . I am actually getting somewhere with these . Mainly because I 've chosen to loose sleep rather than loosing time on my toys . So I 've been getting up around six every morning to feed my little girl and then she goes back to bed and I go into the workshop . I 've also been working later at night when she 's asleep . I just can 't put my toys down at the moment . I 've managed to finish two faces so far and I think that will be more or less it before the weekend now . The parents in law are coming to visit so I will have no chance to work during the weekend . But I will be back on it first thing Monday ! Here 's some WIP pictures anyway . Loving them so far and can 't wait to finish them . My favorite tools that I tend to use more or less all the time : D

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If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help . ve this man and we have a son together . I want this women to get out of his life and he to let her go and nor want to be with her . I want him to come back to me and work our marriage out . I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he wants to come back to me and his son . I became very worried and needed help . As I was browsing through the internet one day , I came across a website that suggested Dr . Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me . 28 hours later , my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my family are living together happily again . Dr . Unity is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine . If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you . Here 's his contact : Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on whats - app : + 2348071622464 After my wife and I got divorce I constantly looked for a real spell caster that could help me get her back , she said that she never wanted to stay with me again , and that she did not love me anymore , So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain . I tried all my possible means to get her back , after much begging , but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision , and she never wanted to see me again . One day I came across a website that suggested that Dr . Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and told him my problems and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next 28hours , what an amazing statement ! ! I never believed , so he spoke with me , and told me everything that i need to do and i did it , Then the next morning , So surprisingly ! ! my wife who did not call me for the past seven months , gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing ! ! So that was how she came back that same day , with lots of love and joy , and she apologized for her mistake , and for the pain she caused me and my children . Then from that day , our relationship was now stronger than how it were before , by the help of a Dr . Unity . If you have any problem contact Dr . Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 I am so very confident about being gifted to help you . I render a 100 % assurance ( Guarantee ) when you order your spells from me . I am always ready and here to help you . but i want you to be rest assured that when you order my services , you will get the most superior and powerful spells , quick and perfect results and 100 % fulfillment assurance . All spells are personally cast by me , ensuring greatest power . My spells are pure and natural and permanent in nature , and cause no harm and side effect . Once a spell is cast , the changes in your life will start to manifest and you will receive my aid and direction until you finally get the result and the solution you want . With my spells , i have helped so many people all around the world . with my spells also , so many relationships and marriages has gotten on to the right tracks in their love life and relationships . when you have experienced the powers of my spells , then you will get what so ever you seek for . . My clients always refer to me as the best spell caster they know . Whatever your problem is , you have the opportunity to end it Immediately inspite of how complicated your case is , my spell will help you prevail over any predicament you are going through in your love life and other areas in your way of life . Love spells , Marriage , and money spells are my area of expertise , but you will be happily amazed to notice how successful my other spells are as far as Lottery , luck , beauty , protection , or job etc . . are concerned . I wish you good luck and once again , i welcome you to Dr Unity Spell Cast Temple . now it 's time from you to benefit from me yourself If your partner wants to divorce you , and everything is going wrong in your Marriage , you need to Order this spell that will save your marriage and cancel every on going divorce . no matter how long you have been away with your partner . . This spell renews love , passion and it restore back feelings . Once this spell is been cast , your husband or your wife is going to love you , just as the love at first sight . Thanks to this spell , and its very powerful and very fast in action If you need to reunite with your ex - lover , then know that you have entered into the right temple . Because my spell will not only bring back your lost love , but also make your relationship stronger than how it was ever ! If you have lost your lover , this spell is accurately what you need to give your relationship a fresh start , and make it a happy and stable one ! No matter how long you both might have split up , i am here to reunite you back . When you order for my lottery spells , it will make you win a very huge amount of money , and jackpots you desire and need . The supremacy of my lottery spells , works on you , so there are no special numbers needed to play , or certain patterns . Just play one ticket on the lottery of your choice , and the great lottery spell will handle the rest . Whether you play Power ball , Mega Millions , daily drawings or sweepstakes . I have a powerful lottery spell , to help you . Working with my ancestors , to clear bad luck , and infuse you with good luck and positive energy . The power of my lottery spells , brings luck , and wins fast . Clearing paths with - in the universe , for money and great luck to reach you . These dominant spell castings , will be successful in bringing the lottery wins , to change your life , because it has helped a lot of people all over the world , and make the multi billionaires . Once you have entered this temple and make contact with me for help , just calm down , remain patient and stay online till i reply your message . And if possible , you can also call me with my telephone number . Do not rush away to a different spell caster . because there are plenty of false spell casters here on the internet , pirating we the real spell casters here online . They can 't help you , all they do is to extort money from people , and then make them been skeptical about spell casting . So be warned ! ! do not fall victim . And also i must tell you this that you were so blessed and Lucky to have met and contacted me here . because in this Temple there is every answer to your problem and every solution to your troubled heart . But if i do not respond to you straight away , then know that i am in my temple , carrying out some sacrifices or spell work . Once again i welcome you to UNITY SPELL TEMPLE * OTHER SPELLS * email me at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call me or add me on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 Hi everyone , I was going crazy when my husband breakup with me and left me for another woman ! ! All thanks to Dr Unity the best love spell caster online that helped me to bring back my husband today and restore happiness in my marriage . . I 'm Sonia Williams by name i lives in England . My husband breakup with me and left me to be with another woman , and i wanted him back . I was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again , I love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman and this makes him break up with me so that he can be able to get married to the other lady and this lady i think use witchcraft on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled - for , I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to get back my husband ! ! I was really upset and i needed help , so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me . 28 hours later , my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much , Oh My God ! i was so happy , and today i am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one big family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr . Unity , he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr . Unity is best spell caster online who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble , if you are here and your lover is turning you down , or your husband moved to another woman , do not cry anymore , contact this powerful spell caster Dr . Unity on his email at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com . I was heartbroken when my lover left me for another woman . I cried all night long and was desperate for him to return . My husband and I have been married for about 6yrs now . We were happily married with two kids , a boy and a girl . 3 months ago , I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else . He started coming home late from work , he hardly care about me or the kids anymore , Sometimes he goes out and doesn 't even come back home for about 2 - 3 days . I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail . I became very worried and needed help . As I was browsing through the internet one day , I came across a website that suggested that Dr . Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me . 28 hours later , my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my family are living together happily again . Dr . Unity is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine . If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you . Here 's his contact : Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on whats - app : + 2348071622464 . Website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com ve this man and we have a son together . I want this women to get out of his life and he to let her go and nor want to be with her . I want him to come back to me and work our marriage out . I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he wants to come back to me and his son . I became very worried and needed help . As I was browsing through the internet one day , I came across a website that suggested Dr . Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me . 28 hours later , my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my family are living together happily again . Dr . Unity is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine . If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you . Here 's his contact : Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com . Lauren Rizzo from Texas , USA After my wife and I got divorce I constantly looked for a real spell caster that could help me get her back , she said that she never wanted to stay with me again , and that she did not love me anymore , So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain . I tried all my possible means to get her back , after much begging , but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision , and she never wanted to see me again . One day I came across a website that suggested that Dr . Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and told him my problems and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next 28hours , what an amazing statement ! ! I never believed , so he spoke with me , and told me everything that i need to do and i did it , Then the next morning , So surprisingly ! ! my wife who did not call me for the past seven months , gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing ! ! So that was how she came back that same day , with lots of love and joy , and she apologized for her mistake , and for the pain she caused me and my children . Then from that day , our relationship was now stronger than how it were before , by the help of a Dr . Unity . If you have any problem contact Dr . Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com . Mike Robinson from England . I 'm so excited my ex - boyfriend is back after a breakup ! ! Am Emily Burns by name i lives in England , My boyfriend of 4yr broke up with me i have cried my self to sleep most of the nights and don 't seem to concentrate during lectures , sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again . Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day 's classes , my attendance has dropped . Generally he is a very nice guy , he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along . He is right we 've been arguing during the pregnancy a lot . After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change . I am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with . I 'm still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn 't have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe . He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy , he is supportive with it but it 's not fair on me , him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy . i was really upset and i needed help , so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me . 28 hours later , my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my bf are living together happily again . . All thanks to Dr Unity . If you have any problem contact Dr . Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you . Here 's his contact . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com . Thank you so much for reading . My wife divorce me , she said that she never wanted to stay with me again , and that she did not love me anymore , So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain . I tried all my possible means to get her back , after much begging , but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision , and she never wanted to see me again . One day I came across a website that suggested that Dr . Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and told him my problems and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next 28hours , what an amazing statement ! ! I never believed , so he spoke with me , and told me everything that i need to do and i did it , Then the next morning , So surprisingly ! ! my wife who did not call me for the past seven months , gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing ! ! So that was how she came back that same day , with lots of love and joy , and she apologized for her mistake , and for the pain she caused me and my children . Then from that day , our relationship was now stronger than how it were before , by the help of a Dr . Unity . If you have any problem contact Dr . Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com . Mike Robinson from England . I am expert at complex cases , love triangles , attracting a true soul mate , getting attention from someone special and gaining back an ex . I can cast a Reunite love Spell , Soul Mate Spell , Complex Case Love Spells or any other Love Spell you may need . Casting Magic Love Spells and making love potions has been going on for centuries . We all want to love and be loved so it is understandable to do everything in ones power to make this happen . But the course of true love seldom runs smoothly and no matter how we try finding someone special and keeping them loving , faithful and committed can have its problems . That 's where a Love Spell comes in . If you have done everything within your powers it might be time to place your trust in casting a Love Spell . I can cast for you a Love Spell as soon as possible that could really help with your current love situation . I am very experienced at casting Love Spells with great results . And the spell has no harm or side effect . So do not fall victim . And I must tell you this that you were so very lucky to have met and contacted me , so if I do not reply to you immediately , then know that I am in my temple , carrying out some spell work or sacrifices . So just relax your mind and wait for my response . No hurry in life . because " THE PATIENT DOG EAT THE FATTEST BONE . " I want you to know that you have finally come to the end of your problems . I know you might have heard about me , but now is the time for you to benefit from me yourself . Because my greatest Joy is to see your problems being put to an end . DO NOT SUFFER YOUR SELF FROM ANY BREAK DOWN , CURSE , SICKNESS OR ANY KIND OF SPIRITUAL SET BACK . COME TO Dr Unity FOR YOUR HELP . Authority is king ! The spell that i provide is the ultimate fast results , It can be hard to find the exact spell caster you need , when you don 't know what to look for in a professional spell caster . The best spell casters / Herbal Doctors are not easy to pick out ! Many hearts are broken every day and many people suffer in vain . Don 't be one of them . Let me help you with your case . My powerful spells can STOP A DIVORCE and much much more ! and I am considered one of the most powerful spell casters with Black Voodoo . I can help you . I have a big range of powerful spells to use for your needs . What outcome do you want ? You might wonder how the spells will affect you ? Will the spell be helpful ? YES ! The spells I cast for you will not have any unwanted side effects such as bad Karma . As long as the intentions are pure out of love as I am sure they are , right ? . Magic is actually an energy from mother earth that can be controlled . You yourself might even be able to do it after years of practice . Specializing in the fields of Love , Money , Power , Success , Pregnancy , Sickness , Luck and Witch Craft . I can help you with any problem or wish that you might have . Contact me today : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com 2 . Bring back lost lover even if lost for a long time 3 . Remove bad spells from homes , business & customer attraction etc . 4 . Get promotion you have desired for a long time at work or in your career . 5 . Read all your problems before you even mention them to him 6 . Remove the black spot that keeps taking your money away 7 . Find out why you are not progressing in life and the solution 8 . Eliminate in family fights 9 . Ensure excellent school grades even for children with mental disabilities 10 . Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart 11 . I destroy and can send back the Nicolas if requested 12 . We heal barrenness in women and disturbing menstruation 13 . Get married to the lover of your choice 14 . Guarantee you win the troubling court cases 15 . Help you win visa lottery and lotto 16 . Curing Of all Kind of Sickness / Diseases Like : HIV / AIDS , HERPES , Periodontal Disease , ALS Diseases , Lung , Cancer , Alzheimer 's disease , Melanoma Disease ( Skin Cancer ) Flu and pneumonia Nephritis , nephritic syndrome , and nephritis ( Kidney Problem ) Diabetes Type 1 and 2 and Lot 's More . . " We recently made up , even though it was difficult . It 's been more than a month now , and everything feels like it 's returned to normal . He has begun to treat me better , and it 's been a healing process for both of us . The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before we broke up is finally over . It 's like we fell in love all over again ! We 've both put the past behind us , and are trying to move forward - and for the first time in a long time , the future looks a lot brighter . I can 't express in words how grateful I am Dr Unity ! It 's like we 've finally rediscovered those things about each other that made us fall in love in the first place . All of the worrying and stress has simply vanished . Thank you Dr Unity for saving my broken Marriage and brought my husband back to me ! " . Me and my husband are living together happily again . . All thanks to Dr Unity . If you have any problem contact Dr . Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on whats - app : + 2348071622464 . Lauren Rizzo lives in Texas , USA . I 'm so excited share my testimony of a real spell caster who brought my husband back to me . My husband of 8 yrs left me for a other women and is now living with her . He is starting the paper work to divorce me . I love this man and we have a son together . I want this women to get out of his life and he to let her go and nor want to be with her . I want him to come back to me and work our marriage out . I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he wants to come back to me and his son . I became very worried and needed help . As I was browsing through the internet one day , I came across a website that suggested Dr . Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me . 28 hours later , my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my family are living together happily again . Dr . Unity is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine . If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you . Here 's his contact : Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on whats - app : + 2348071622464 . His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com Thanks to Dr . Unity for giving me the opportunity to test from his Power . I was wondering why most successful people talk more about him even in my neighborhood on how he has been bringing back ex - lovers and making them achieve their lost opportunities and being successful . I doubted some enough until when I tried his power last month via his email . Dr . Unity cast a reunion spell and brought back my " Jackky " after three months of our separation within 3days that he promised . Everything he did was like a movie in my eyes ; it was so fast and effective . I felt a strong power in me when he was casting the spell which made me stronger in spirit to invite Jackky 's spirit back to me . I don 't have much to say , but to keep thanking him and telling people how I got the love of my life back and how I also go my dream job through his power which he promised . Please stop doubting and give him a try and see for yourself , open up your heart and focus on all the instructions from him and you will see results on your door post . Contact him today and see the miracle of his spell via email : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com " My boyfriend and I were seriously in love for 3 years and we were planning to get married but one day he came to my house and told me he was no longer interested in our relationship simply because he was dating another rich lady who promised to buy him a car and to sponsor their wedding . And I suffered heartbreak for 9 months and I was not tired of loving him , so I took a bold step by contacting a spell caster who helped me bring my ex boyfriend back . he is powerful and great his contact is ( Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 ) if you have any problem contact Dr Unity , i give you 100 % guarantee that he will help you ! ! . My boyfriend of 4yr broke up with me i have cried my self to sleep most of the nights and don 't seem to concentrate during lectures , sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again . Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day 's classes , my attendance has dropped . Generally he is a very nice guy , he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along . He is right we 've been arguing during the pregnancy a lot . After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change . I am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with . I 'm still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn 't have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe . He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy , he is supportive with it but it 's not fair on me , him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy . i was really upset and i needed help , so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me . 28 hours later , my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my bf are living together happily again . . All thanks to Dr Unity . If you have any problem contact Dr . Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you . Here 's his contact . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com . Thank you so much for reading . " Me and my ex - husband at all times have always tried to stay friendly over again after our divorce which occurred in early September this year . So i met with this spell caster Dr . Unity on the internet after a long search . And he told me everything that i needed to do , and he also asured me that he is going to reunite us in just 48 hours later after his spell casting . So he started his work on Monday 27th Oct . You are not going to believe this . He is back ! ! ! Yes , he really came back in 48 hours just as you guaranteed Sir . Now I 'm fully persuaded that you are a legit and authentic spell caster and your website is the best i have ever come across . This is so mind - boggling for me . Anthony is back ! ! ! I haven 't by any means experienced something like this before . Thank you so much Dr . Unity . I never expected such a result . Dream come true . Wow ! You were so kind with me . " And may your kindness float back to you like ripples that float back to sea shore " . Thank you Sir for your precious help . I have never been so happy in my life like the way i am today . You are a genuine spirit . You and your work will never be forgotten for making me a fulfilled woman and reuniting me and my ex husband once again . . You are my hero . . The kids are overjoyed to have their father come back home for good . Sir here i am sharing your testimony just as i promised . If you have any problem contact Dr . Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you . Here 's his contact . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com " I had come to a point in my life where I had to make a decision . I was unhappy with the way I looked and it reflected on my relationships with women . I had done lots of research about plastic surgery . I spent a good 8 months thinking about it . I made the jump and started scheduling phone consultations . I had contacted 2 doctors prior but they failed me . Then i went online seeing good and positive testimonies about Dr Unity and i decided to contact him though i was about given up . I had my consultation with Dr Unity and that is when I knew he was the right doctor . He was kind , truthful and spent a lot of time with me . Dr Unity walked me through the whole process to make sure that things went smoothly for me . I can 't say enough good things about the whole experience . It has been almost four months after Dr Unity has given me his herbal medicine and gave me instructions on how to use it and I look and feel great . And now my penis is just as big as the way i want it , now things has changed the way I think about myself on the outside but more importantly on the inside . and now i have a good relationship with my wife in bed once again i say a big Thank you to Dr Unity the greatest spell caster and the most intelligent herbalist please you can contact him on his email : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 I am expert at complex cases , love triangles , attracting a true soul mate , getting attention from someone special and gaining back an ex . I can cast a Reunite love Spell , Soul Mate Spell , Complex Case Love Spells or any other Love Spell you may need . Casting Magic Love Spells and making love potions has been going on for centuries . We all want to love and be loved so it is understandable to do everything in ones power to make this happen . But the course of true love seldom runs smoothly and no matter how we try finding someone special and keeping them loving , faithful and committed can have its problems . That 's where a Love Spell comes in . If you have done everything within your powers it might be time to place your trust in casting a Love Spell . I can cast for you a Love Spell as soon as possible that could really help with your current love situation . I am very experienced at casting Love Spells with great results . And the spell has no harm or side effect . NOTE : If you come to my temple here and contact me for help , just be patient and wait for my response . Do not hurry away to another spell caster because there are lots of fake spell casters online here claiming to be real . So do not fall victim . And I must tell you this that you were so very lucky to have met and contacted me , so if I do not reply to you immediately , then know that I am in my temple , carrying out some spell work or sacrifices . So just relax your mind and wait for my response . No hurry in life . because " THE PATIENT DOG EAT THE FATTEST BONE . " I want you to know that you have finally come to the end of your problems . I know you might have heard about me , but now is the time for you to benefit from me yourself . Because my greatest Joy is to see your problems being put to an end . DO NOT SUFFER YOUR SELF FROM ANY BREAK DOWN , CURSE , SICKNESS OR ANY KIND OF SPIRITUAL SET BACK . COME TO Dr Unity FOR YOUR HELP . Authority is king ! The spell that i provide is the ultimate fast results , It can be hard to find the exact spell caster you need , when you don 't know what to look for in a professional spell caster . The best spell casters / Herbal Doctors are not easy to pick out ! Many hearts are broken every day and many people suffer in vain . Don 't be one of them . Let me help you with your case . My powerful spells can STOP A DIVORCE and much much more ! and I am considered one of the most powerful spell casters with Black Voodoo . I can help you . I have a big range of powerful spells to use for your needs . What outcome do you want ? You might wonder how the spells will affect you ? Will the spell be helpful ? YES ! The spells I cast for you will not have any unwanted side effects such as bad Karma . As long as the intentions are pure out of love as I am sure they are , right ? . Magic is actually an energy from mother earth that can be controlled . You yourself might even be able to do it after years of practice . Specializing in the fields of Love , Money , Power , Success , Pregnancy , Sickness , Luck and Witch Craft . I can help you with any problem or wish that you might have . Contact me today : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com 1 . Get your ex Back fast by Dr . Unity , Expert in Relationship Problems . 2 . Bring back lost lover even if lost for a long time 3 . Remove bad spells from homes , business & customer attraction etc . 4 . Get promotion you have desired for a long time at work or in your career . 5 . Read all your problems before you even mention them to him 6 . Remove the black spot that keeps taking your money away 7 . Find out why you are not progressing in life and the solution 8 . Eliminate in family fights 9 . Ensure excellent school grades even for children with mental disabilities 10 . Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart 11 . I destroy and can send back the Nicolas if requested 12 . We heal barrenness in women and disturbing menstruation 13 . Get married to the lover of your choice 14 . Guarantee you win the troubling court cases 15 . Help you win visa lottery and lotto 16 . Curing Of all Kind of Sickness / Diseases Like : HIV / AIDS , HERPES , Periodontal Disease , ALS Diseases , Lung , Cancer , Alzheimer 's disease , Melanoma Disease ( Skin Cancer ) Flu and pneumonia Nephritis , nephritic syndrome , and nephritis ( Kidney Problem ) Diabetes Type 1 and 2 and Lot 's More . . I was heartbroken when my lover left me for another woman . I cried all night long and was desperate for him to return . A friend told me about Dr . Unity , The best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine . " contact Dr . Unity And He Bring My Lover Back " Within days he was back and our relationship has been better than ever . If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you too . Here 's his contact : Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com . My husband and I have been married for about 7 yrs now . We were happily married with two kids , a boy and a girl . 3 months ago , I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone . He started coming home late from work , he hardly care about me or the kids anymore , Sometimes he goes out and doesn 't even come back home for about 2 - 3 days . I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail . I became very worried and needed help . As I was browsing through the internet one day , I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and he did a spell for me . Three days later , my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my family are living together happily again . . All thanks to Dr Unity . If you need a spell caster that can cast a spell that truly works , I suggest you contact him . He will not disappoint you . This is his E - mail : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com . i have been married for 2 years with pain and agony because my husband left me for another lady . I was reviewing some post on the internet on how i could get back my husband back , i saw a post by Natasha Choas from united states who testified of Dr Unity the almighty spell caster . I contacted Natasha Chaos to confirm about Dr Unity and she guaranteed me and gave me the courage to contact Dr Unity for help . So , i contacted him and he assured me that my days of sorrows are over that i will get back my husband within 48hours . I did all what he told me and am very happy that my husband is back to me and we are now living happily like never before and i can boldly and proudly testify to the world that Dr Unity is a good and remarkable spell caster that specializes on different kind of spells . If you need his help , then contact him on his Email : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com My husband is back ! ! ! I had a problem with my husband 8 months ago , which lead to us apart . When he broke up with me , I was no longer myself , I felt so empty inside , Until a friend of mine told me about one spell caster that helped her in same problem too that she found on Youtube . i emailed the spell caster and I told him my problem and I did what he asked me . To cut the story short , Before I knew what was happening , not up to 48 hours , my husband gave me a call and he came back to me and told me he was sorry about what has happened , I 'm so grateful to this spell caster and i will not stop publishing his name on the internet just for the good work he has done for me . If you need his help , you can email him at ( Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com ) and he will also help you . Thanks to Dr Unity . I was with my ex partner for 8 yrs and in september last year he left me and took my kids and i have not had contact with them for 6 mths . He has a new girlfriend but he does not treat them right . I really need him and my kids back . They are the loves of my life and i am so empty without them . I need help , i saw a post by Natasha Choas from united states who testified of Dr Unity the spell caster . I contacted Natasha Chaos to confirm about Dr Unity and she guaranteed me and gave me the courage to contact Dr Unity for help . So , i contacted him and he assured me that my days of sorrows are over that i will get back my partner within 48hours . I did all what he told me and am very happy that my partner and my kids is back to me and we are now living happily like never before and i can boldly and proudly testify to the world that Dr Unity is a good and remarkable spell caster that specializes on different kind of spells . If you need his help , then contact him on his Email : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com My boyfriend and I were seriously in love for 3 years and we were planning to get married but one day he came to my house and told me he was no longer interested in our relationship simply because he was dating another rich lady who promised to buy him a car and to sponsor their wedding . And I suffered heartbreak for 9 months and I was not tired of loving him , so I took a bold step by contacting a spell caster who helped me bring my ex boyfriend back . he is powerful and great his contact is ( Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com ) if you have any problem contact Dr Unity , i give you 100 % guarantee that he will help you ! ! . oh my god , i can 't believed my boyfriend came back after telling me nothing on earth would ever bring us together thank you so much dr . Unity . i am so glad you wiped away my tears and finally gave me a reason to celebrate this forth coming Xmas with joy . i would forever be grateful to Mrs Vivienne who recommended you and the blog i saw your email : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com indeed i am happy Jacob is finally mine for life . When the woman I love broke up with me , my world fell apart . I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones . I found Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him . I 'm glad I did and trusted him . he performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell . After 2 weeks , the woman I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again . Thank you , you can also contact DR UNITY AT : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com I want to thank Dr . Unity for the love binding spell he did for me that brought my ex husband back to me within 2days . My lover broke up with me 4months ago I tried everything I could to have him back but nothing works till I read online how Dr . Unity has helped others reunite their broken relationship so I decided to contact him to help me out . After Dr . Unity cast the spell my ex husband came back to me within a shot period of 18hours , ever since he came back he now treat me with so much love and respect What I have tried so much for was just fix within 18hours . In case have been with a broken heart and you want your ex back just contact Dr . Unity . I never believed in spell casting , but After 6 years of dating , I still imagine how Dr . Unity brought my ex lover back to me in just 24 hour . No one could have ever made me believe that there is a real spell caster that really work . am Sandra by name , I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine , His name is Dr . Unity , He helped me recently to reunite my relationship when my ex lover who left me , When i contacted Dr . Unity he cast a love spell for me and my ex lover who said he doesn 't have anything to do with me again , he called me and started begging me . he is back now with so much love and caring . today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers of bring lovers back . because i am now happy with my lover , and the most surprise , is that our love is very strong , every day is happiness and joy . and there is nothing like been with the man you love . i am so happy my love is back to me with the help of Dr . Unity if you have similar problem i will advice you to contact him , he is there to help you and put a smile on your face . My wife and I got married 6 years ago and we were so much in love with each other , we have 2 kids ( josh and rebecca ) . One day my wife came back home from her friends place and she told me that she wants us to file for a divorce that she 's no longer interested in our marriage , i was surprise and everything seem to me like a joke . after then i tried all my best to get her back but there was no way . but to no avail , my heart was broken , i wondered whats happening . i was on facebook when i saw a post on how Dr . Unity helped a lady to bring back her lost husband . i was scared but because i love my wife so much and I am ready to do anything to bring her back . I decided to give it a try by contacting him via email : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , So when i contacted him i narrated everything to him and he said my case is not a serious one that my husband will come back to me within 18 hours if i believe in his power . he told me to do some things to do which i did before 18 hours , my wife called me on phone and was crying for forgiveness . right now we are now a new branded family with more happiness , we are even going on vacation on xmas . please if any one of you out there is passing through same issue in your marriage , relationship issues contact Dr . Unity today I never know that spell caster is real , I thought they are fake until I met with Dr . Unity . my name is James Wilson i want to testify about a great spell caster that help me cast a spell that bring my ex girlfriend back to me without any delay . I broke up with my ex with just little misunderstanding hoping we will get back shortly , but things was growing worse until i contacted Dr . Unity who help me with the help of this great spell caster you can contact him through his email : once you contact him all your problems will be over , once again i say very big thanks to you sir for helping me to recover my ex back . contact him After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years , he broke up with me , I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain , I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him , I begged him with everything , I made promises but he refused . I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don 't believed in spell , I had no choice than to try it , I meant a spell caster called Dr . Unity and I email him , and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days , that my ex will return to me before three days , he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day , it was around 4pm . My ex called me , I was so surprised , I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened , that he wanted me to return to him , that he loves me so much . I was so happy and went to him , that was how we started living together happily again . Since then , I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem , I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there . Anybody could need the help of the spell caster . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on whats - app : + 2348071622464 . My husband and I have been married for about 7 yrs now . We were happily married with two kids , a boy and a girl . 3 months ago , I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone . He started coming home late from work , he hardly care about me or the kids anymore , Sometimes he goes out and doesn 't even come back home for about 2 - 3 days . I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail . I became very worried and needed help . As I was browsing through the internet one day , I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and he did a spell for me . Three days later , my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my family are living together happily again . . All thanks to Dr Unity . If you need a spell caster that can cast a spell that truly works , I suggest you contact Dr . Unity . Hi . my ex bf just broke up with me 2 weeks ago . on the first week of breaking up , he send my friend a text asking me how am i doing . the my friend tried to convince him to change his mind about the breakup . the he said it 's better this way . i know this is his logic mind talking . and during weekend i start to call him . crying , begging and pleading asking for another chance . he only rejected me . then 3 days after i text him again , asking for another chance ( i know i 'm desperate ) and he reject me again . so i said to him i won 't bother you anymore . we 've been together for a year and a half now , he said he want to breakup with me because i was too controlling . he wants his freedom . we 're in a same course at college , and today i just knew that he changed his course 😦 he even deleted me on social media ) i was really upset and i needed help , so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and he did a spell for me . Three days later , my bf came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again . Ever since then , everything has returned back to normal . I and my bf are living together happily again . . All thanks to Dr Unity . Hi , I am a USA citizen , am here to testify how i got my Ex back with the help of this God - sent called Dr Unity for the great things he has done in my life . . First of all i want to thank mareen for the post she made on how Dr Unity helped her in bringing back her lover . At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared , That this might not be real , Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted Dr Unity and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely and depressed without him , So i asked him if he has helped anyone called mareen and he said yes , that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover . I said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover , He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved . He said that my lover will be back to me within 28hours , Truly when the 28hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry , then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover Steve voice . i was so happy he was begging me and crying on phone , That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life , So i told him to come over which he did , As he was coming he came with a brand new Car as gift . i am so happy today with the help of Dr Unity . He has proven to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady again and stay with me forever , Am so happy today and am also thanking mareen for posting this early . Dr Unity you are truly a man of your word . He can also any kind of sickness and he can solve any kind of problems in this world . Friends i believe Dr Unity is a man to trust and believe on . You don 't need to cry anymore Dr Unity has been sent to clean our tears ) . Dr . Unity you have really helped me find myself again . I have been married for 4years and on the 5th year of my marriage , another woman had to take my Husband away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i met a post where Dr . Unity have helped so many people and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 24hours as he have told me , i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make the testimony so anyone in need of help to contact him via email : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , I can 't thank you enough for giving me my life back . " if you have any problem contact unity i guarantee you that he will help you Fix Your Broken Relationships , Separations & Divorce . contact Dr Unity I am Natasha Hayes by name and i reside here in London , United Kingdom . I 'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband , with two kids . A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago , between me and my husband . so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce . he said that he never wanted to stay with me again , and that he didn 't love me anymore . So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain . I tried all my possible means to get him back , after much begging , but all to no avail . and he confirmed it that he has made his decision , and he never wanted to see me again . So on one evening , as i was coming back from work , i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband . So i explained every thing to him , so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back , is to visit a spell caster , because it has really worked for him too . So i never believed in spell , but i had no other choice , than to follow his advice . Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited . { Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com } . So the next morning , i sent a mail to the address he gave to me , and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day . What an amazing statement ! ! I never believed , so he spoke with me , and told me everything that i need to do . Then the next morning , So surprisingly , my husband who didn 't call me for the past { 7 } months , gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back . So Amazing ! ! So that was how he came back that same day , with lots of love and joy , and he apologized for his mistake , and for the pain he caused me and my children . Then from that day , our relationship was now stronger than how it were before , by the help of a spell caster . So , i will advice you out there , if you have any problem contact Dr Unity , i give you 100 % guarantee that he will help you ! ! I was heart broken for the past 2 years after 11years of marriage . I can 't emphasize about how it happened because it 's a long story . My husband broke up with me i was so frustrated and i did not know what next to do again , i love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman , and this makes him broke up with me so that he can be able to get marred to the other lady and this lady i think us witchcraft on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled - for , I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to get back my man until i went to NY to see a friend and who was having the same problem with me but she latter got her Husband back and i asked her how she was able to get her husband back and she told me that their was a powerful spell caster in Africa name Dr . Unity that he help with love spells in getting back lost lover , and i decided to contact the same Dr . Unity and he told me what was needed to be done for me to have my man back and i did it although i doubted it but i did it and the Dr . Unity told me that i will get the result after 28hours , and he told me that my husband was going to call me by 9pm in my time and i still doubted his word , to my greatest surprise my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much , Oh My God ! i was so happy , and today i am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one good and big family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr . Unity of Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that good spell casters still exist and Dr . Unity is one of the good spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble , if you are there and your lover is turning you down , or you have your husband moved to another woman , do not cry anymore contact the powerful spell caster Dr . Unity now So excited ! ! Today has being the most happiest day of my life after 1 year of sadness and sorrow without being with the one i love , I can 't emphasize about how it happened because it 's a long story . My husband divorced me and went after his EX girlfriend leaving me hopeless . I really appreciate the help of GOD why ? because i found a helper on Google called Dr Unity who allots of citizens from various countries has testified about that GOD sent him to help those that are in captivity . I got in touch with him via his E - mail : ( Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com ) and he said that my husband will return back to me and as far i have contacted him , my marriage will be from glory to glory and i was so pleased with his words . He prepared a spell for me and i did all what he said as instructed and now i can boldly testify to the world that my husband is back for good and i will forever be indebted to Dr Unity for his miracle spells . If you have any problem contact Dr Unity , i give you 100 % guarantee that he will help you ! ! . I have to give this miraculous testimony , which is so unbelievable until now . my name is Victor Wood Smith I had a problem with my Ex Wife July - 25 - 2015 , which lead to our break up . when she broke up with me , I was not my self again , i felt so empty inside me , my love and financial situation became worst , until a close friend of mine Jacobs told me about a home of miracle healer who helped him in the same problem too his name is Dr . Unity from South Africa , I email Dr . Unity the home of miracle and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me , to cut the long story short . Before i knew what was happening within 24 hours my wife gave me a call and told me that She was coming back to me in just 24 hours and was so happy to have her back to me . We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves . Thanks to Dr . Unty for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too . continue your good work , If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me , the great spell caster Via email address is Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies which i promise to share . Thanks My husband said he is now gay and he dose not love me any more after 4 years that we have been together . I was hurt and helpless after trying so many ways to make my husband take me back . One day at work , i was absent minded not knowing that my boss was calling me , so he sat and asked me what its was all about i told him and he smiled and said that it was not a problem . I never understand what he meant by it wasn 't a problem getting my husband back , he said he used a spell to get his wife back when she left him for another man and now they are together till date and at first i was shocked hearing such thing from my boss . He gave me the contact of the great spell caster who helped him get his wife back , i never believed this would work but i had no choice then to get in contact with the spell caster which i did , and he requested for my information and that of my husband to enable him cast the spell and i sent him the details and he also told me the items which will be needed in casting the spell which i provided him money to get , after two days , my mom called me that my husband came pleading that he wants me back , i never believed it because it was just like a dream and i had to rush down to my mothers place and to my greatest surprise , my husband was kneeling before me pleading for forgiveness that he wants me back home , then i gave Dr Unity a call regarding the sudden change of my husband and he made it clear to me that my husband will love me forever , that he will never leave my sight . Now me and my husband are back together again and has started doing pleasant things he hasn 't done before , he makes me happy and do what he is suppose to do as a man without nagging . Please if you need help of any kind , kindly contact Dr Unity for help After my wife and I got divorce I constantly looked for a real spell caster that could help me get her back , she said that she never wanted to stay with me again , and that she did not love me anymore , So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain . I tried all my possible means to get her back , after much begging , but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision , and she never wanted to see me again . One day I came across a website that suggested that Dr . Unity can help solve marital problems , restore broken relationships and so on . So , I felt I should give him a try . I contacted him and told him my problems and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next 28hours , what an amazing statement ! ! I never believed , so he spoke with me , and told me everything that i need to do and i did it , Then the next morning , So surprisingly ! ! my wife who did not call me for the past seven months , gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing ! ! So that was how she came back that same day , with lots of love and joy , and she apologized for her mistake , and for the pain she caused me and my children . Then from that day , our relationship was now stronger than how it were before , by the help of a Dr . Unity . If you have any problem contact Dr . Unity now and i guarantee you that he will help you . Email him at : Unityspelltemple @ gmail . com , you can also call him or add him on Whats - app : + 2348071622464 , His website : http : / / unityspelltemple . yolasite . com

This morning during my daily walk I was meditating on the Sorrowful mysteries , one that struck particularly powerfully this morning was the Carrying of the Cross . I began to visualize as I walked and my mind was drawn to one scene in particular , that of Veronica and her veil . Now not everyone knows the story of Veronica , but here is the legend : Later versions of the story from the 4th or 5th century say that Veronica possessed a cloth imprinted with the face of Jesus . Western pilgrims returning to Europe passed her story on . As the Stations of the Cross developed in late medieval times , Veronica was remembered at the 6th Station : she wipes the face of Jesus on his way to Calvary and he leaves an image of his face on her veil . A healing relic , impressed with the image of Jesus ' face , which came to be known as " Veronica 's Veil , " was honored in St . Peter 's Church in Rome as early as the 8th century . - Stations of the Cross As I went through the day I kept being reminded of this early morning meditation of mine , and wondering how it all tied together . Then as I began to read and meditate on a chapter of " My Other Self " it all begin to fall into place . So let me guide you through the thoughts I 've been having today . Veronica approached the Lord as he walked silently on the path to Calvary . Simon the Cyrenien was carrying his cross and our Lord was the point where mortal flesh was ready to give way , and death seemed a welcome sight . His body ripped and torn , beaten and bruised . Spit from those who teased him ran down his face and his beard was hanging in tattered strips where they had plucked and berated him . The thorns had worked their way deeper into his flesh , and by carrying the cross the agony of the flayed skin on his back had him wracked him pain beyond all measure . She walked up gently , bravely . She reached out to him with a beautiful cloth and began to lovingly cleans his face . Oh the gesture of love from this woman to her Savior , as she cleansed away the blood , sweat and tears . As she removed the dirt and grim from his face from where he had fallen into the street . She carefully wiped so as not to cause more pain , wincing herself as she crossed the wounds to his cheeks and forehead . Tears filled her eyes as she saw how much he suffered for her . The guards began to beat Jesus and she backed away with tears in her eyes , her breath catching . She clutched this veil to her chest and fell to her knees flooded with grief and agony to see the King of the Universe , brought to such a pitiable state . What does this tell us about our lives ? How do we apply this revelation to our walk with Christ ? Jesus told us " Whatever you do for the least of these you do for me . " If we look at this as a spiritual truth , and we look at the cross to Calvary in the light of the Sin which Jesus bore for us , it begins to show us a tender reality of how we are to deal with sin in our community , and how far we 've fallen from that ideal . When someone sins they begin to get covered in the grime of the world . The dirt covers their face and mixes with the blood , sweat , and tears caused by and gained through that Sin . It begins to sting their eyes and their face , making it hard to see the path ahead of them . They may not even be able to carry their cross at this point , too weak to go on . They can 't see where they are going , or even think of where they 've been . All they know is pain . If we truly are to be to that person as if they were Christ , it 's our job to gently and lovingly caress their face with a cloth of cleansing . How gently and lovingly would you touch the face of Jesus if he were before you in such a state ? Would you push into his wounds gratingly , demeaning him even further ? Or would you look on with understanding , with sorrow , with your breath catching and your eyes full of tears ? Would you fall to your knees in grief and agony and cry with them , as others in the community help them pick up their cross and continue on their walk towards God 's will ? Would you watch as they journey on clutching the cloth of the experience of having known them to your chest as a treasured possession ? Ah how short we fall . Not only do we often not want to carry the cross of someone else , we don 't even want to see them in a pitiable state . We treat them as some outsider , the other , THEM . We ostracize them and verbally berate them . We talk about them behind their backs and instead of cleansing their face with a refreshing touch of love , we throw more dirt in their eyes and make them stumble away under their cross to try to get away from your glare . We close our doors and hearts , barricading ourselves away , afraid we might get a bit of their stain on ourselves . As I was walking back from the bus stop this morning , instead of praying the office of readings I decided I would do the Rosary . This mornings mysteries were the Sorrowful Mysteries . I began to walk along watching the squirrels running around preparing for winter , watching the parents running to school , the workers to work , the buses to their stops . I watched as the geese flew over honking and as the leaves fell from the trees . I began to meditate on the Carrying of the Cross . Such a long walk it must have been to carry that cross . As I began the mystery I did as always and said a prayer , one for the particular intent of my heart but in some way related to the mystery itself . Then I began to pray . As I did I began to think about the different ways we carry our crosses . But there was this notion that struck me , the cross wasn 't carried in private . . it was a very public event . So public indeed that even Simon of Cyrene was compelled into helping Jesus carry the cross . All too often we tell people who have serious sins in their lives , oh that 's your cross to bear . We treat it as if those sins , performed in the dark away from us are not our concern , but something that they must learn to live with . Yet , sin is not a private affair . If you 're hiding a sin from others , then it compounds the problem . When you commit those sins in private willingly , you aren 't carrying your cross . . no . . you 're laying it down and walking away from it . I 'm not suggesting that every person out there should come out and begin to say to every person they meet " this is my sin . " I am suggesting though that we as Christians need other men ( or women ) to talk to . We need a support group to hold us accountable , and with that group we need to be 100 % honest . We need to let someone , a trusted friend , who isn 't just going to be complacent and say " that 's ok , " know what we are struggling with . We need to carry our cross together , and even at other times to get someone to help us bear that load , because sometimes we can 't do it on our own . ( I firmly believe that is the true power of the Cursillo movement , in the grouping . ) The Sacred Scriptures tell us that we are one body . Now a body could function decently without one kidney . . but it isn 't working at 100 % . Even more so , if it loses both one might still live , but how difficult does life become ? When one organ has cancer , it often doesn 't stay just there . . no it spreads . We are less without you . Period . When you are sick ? Infected with sin as it were . . . it makes the rest of the body suffer . Together though , we can heal . at What does it mean to be Sacramental ? To be a sacramental person is so far beyond anything that I think we can convey in words . It is to be Christ himself present to the world , as his hands , eyes , feet and mouth . As a convert , the very nature of our faith is so much beyond what I felt and knew growing up . Though my basic beliefs have not changed much , many of them have been further defined in ways that I could hardly have imagined . Fleshed out if you will . Baptism for instance in the church I grew up in was not a sacrament , but a symbol of an inward change . It was something we did , not something that " did " something to us . Seeing baptism for what it truly is makes a great deal of difference in how we react to the world . As in baptism we are buried to the world in the tomb with Christ , and we arise a new man ; so too must we think of our daily life . When approaching others we are to be priest , prophet and king ; representatives of a holy Kingdom , of Christ himself . Our priestly role is to be liturgically present to the church and participate fully in the Mass . We are a part of the liturgy and with the Bishop , Priests , and Deacons ; we the body of Christ offer ourselves up sacramentally as a living sacrifice to be united with Christ 's sacrifice on the cross . As prophet ( s ) we are to be ever willing and ready to speak the word of God , by internalizing it and living the spirit of the Gospels in front of and TO every person we meet . The true King , Christ himself came as a servant , so too must we as king be servants to other , ready to pour ourselves out as a living libation in the world . Through the sacrament of Reconciliation we are able to heal the damage we have done to our relationship with God , but also we are able to restore ourselves to right community with the body of Christ . The grace of Christ pours out into our hearts and through the actions of our penance we are able to make ' right ' , what we have put wrong . When we live this sacrament out in the world we too should be channels of grace that pour out our forgiveness to others and want to draw them closer to Christ and his church . Through the sacrament of Confirmation we can say a resounding Yes , just as Mary , the mother of God , gave her fiat ; so too must we say to Christ " Let it be done to me according to thy word . " As living members sealed by this Sacrament , we must also go into the world renewed with energy and joy , allowing Christ to be created in us so that we can then in turn bring him into the world . A spiritual rebirth that begins with the humbling of ourselves to do his will . I think to sum up , as I have gone longer than a single page , the sacramental character of our lives means that we as Catholic Christians should live in the world in the exact same way we live at the Altar . All too often we see church as an action we do on Sunday , living one way in front of the priest , and another in the parking lot on the way back into our lives . Until we begin to not just internalize the Sacraments but to live them out fully in our lives , so that the person we are is starting to look like the person that God created us to be , can we truly begin to be the body of Christ in a world that so very much needs us ! It is only by allowing grace to flow through our lives and to restore us to the fullness of humanity that God bestowed upon our first father and mother , and restored to us through the second Adam and second Eve , Jesus and Mary , that we can begin to truly live out what we pray in the Our Father , " Thy will be done , on earth , as it is in heaven . " My wife and I were having a wonderfully deep conversation as I drove her in to work this morning about the concepts of gluttony and sin , and how they could apply to diet cost and expenditure . We then began to talk about the general judgement , what it might be like at the end of time when we all stand before Jesus and our lives are examined . I 've heard some say it might be like a big screen TV that all of the universe can see as our lives our played out , both good and bad . While I think it will be beyond comprehension and beyond anything we can imagine or express in words , I began to wonder out loud in our conversation what it might be like indeed . Imagine if not only your life played out , but superimposed over it was what could have been . . . no that 's not the right word , not what could have been , but what SHOULD have been . Those times when you did wrong and sinned , imagine if superimposed over that were what would have happened had you done what God was urging us to do instead . The image of us stuffing our face in the middle of the night superimposed with the child that should have been fed instead . The image of us stealing covered with the image of us giving generously of our time and talent . All of this covered not with our emotions and thoughts at the time , but with the sorrow of the Sacred Heart of Jesus at our choices , and of the pain caused in the world by them . How much different our lives might be if we were to think of each action as a prayer to God , thus " praying at all times without ceasing . " After my wife went into her work I began to play the divine office morning prayer as the sun was rising over the hills behind me , and this verse stuck out : Never let evil talk pass your lips ; say only the good things men need to hear , things that will really help them . Do nothing that will sadden the Holy Spirit with whom you were sealed against the day of redemption . Get rid of all bitterness , all passion and anger , harsh words , slander , and malice of every kind . In place of these , be kind to one another , compassioHow appropriate . Sept 11 , 13 years later . As I was doing my morning walk after getting my daughter on the bus , I began to listen to the office of readings . My mind began to wander as the Psalms were being read to me , and I began to meditate sincerely on this set of verses : O Lord , you have been our refuge How fleeting mankind is , from moment to moment . The universe we believe to be billions of years old . Mankind itself thousands and thousands of years . The life of a tree in the multiple hundreds of years , the life of turtles and some reptiles beyond our capacity . Yet we have an inflated sense of ego . We believe we are so much more important than everything else , as if God saw something in us that deserved his love . Those who claim we cannot merit God 's love , then seem to feel that somehow they earned it , by being man . How little we truly are in comparison to the expanse of the universe , how fleeting we are . I pondered how that grass grows every year , but it 's a new blade , the old having withered and died . The root is the same , but the blade is refreshed , new cells , new life . Much like humanity that continues on with or without us , blades that may or may not be remembered in the breath of time . Yet God loves us . What is man then that God is mindful of us ? We don 't deserve it . We are just grains of sand on a beach of time , being washed in and out of the shore . Will anyone remember me 10 years after I am gone ? 20 ? 100 ? Or will I like the countless others be simply another leaf that has fallen from the tree of life , gone on into eternity but forgotten here . These are my thoughts on the memorial of 9 / 11 . . . what are yours ? One of the most wonderful notions about Cursillo and the teachings of our church is to look for Jesus in every person . You know that biblical verse where Jesus said " Whatever you do for the least of these " ? As a Catholic we take that literally , that we can ' entertain angels unaware ' and that Jesus presence can come in front of us as in anyone . Well , today I met Jesus . I was at the church this morning , attending daily mass , doing the divine office , then watching as the new carpet was being put down for the music area and talking to Butch about other maintenance issues we need to get to , and upcoming school etc . While I was wandering around doing some ' busy work ' ( small chores here and there ) a latino gentleman approached asking to see Father . After being told that Father was at lunch and would be back in a while , this man sat down and said I 'll wait . I walked past him a few times , saying hi and being kind but not really paying attention to who he was or giving him the real dignity he deserved . Then when I finished my chores I walked down the Hall and introduced myself and started up a conversation . He told me about his family , about his wife , and about the company he worked for ; how they had just let him go from his job as a forklift operator because work was too ' slow ' . He talked excitedly about his fork lift certification and in broken English told me about his fears . He told me he was scared that on his wife 's minimum wage he 'd never be able to make it , she works at a fast food place and like so many others that do so , is only ' part time . ' I told him I 'd pray for him , not even realizing that I had never even asked his name . I started to shake his hand to leave and he stopped me . His eyes met mine and there was that twinkle , that ' there is more going on here than you think ' look , and there he was . Jesus was in front of me . " You will pray for me ? " He stood up and Jesus looked at me and said , " Ok " . Then he bowed his head . I knew right then that Jesus was taking me up on my offer to pray for this child of his , my brother . I placed my hand on his shoulder , and I bowed my head . I prayed for him out loud . I prayed for his family . I prayed for his children . I prayed for his job situation . I prayed for his soul . I prayed for God 's guidance . I called him my friend , I called him my brother . I made the sign of the cross and said Amen . Jesus was still there in the room with us , but he was no longer in the man in front of me . The man with trembling voice thanked me , and sat back down I think almost shaken . I was a bit shaken too . Thank you Jesus for helping both of us . The man looked up and he held out his hand one more time . He said " My name 's Fancisco . " I shook his hand and told him , " I am Brian . " In Christ , This morning I had the wonderful privilege of leading a communion service for our parish . About 6 : 30 as the kids were getting ready for school , I was in the living room preparing for my role . Between helping find hair brushes and signing papers for school I read vocally and re - read the readings for the day . I prayed that God would provide me with a lector for the day ( since our normal lector for Friday 's was on a mission of mercy , and of course God provided . ) Around 6 : 45 I began to pick out the hymn we would sing ( which is also normally done by the same gentleman and brother who is the lector on Fridays . ) So much to the joy of my children just before 7 : 00 they were serenaded ( notice how that word reminds you of a grenade ? ) with my wondrous rendition of " will you let me be your servant . " Now I 'm one of those guys that gets music lyrics completely wrong . From Like a Cheestick ( like a g6 ) to Rock the Catbox ( casbah ) , I 've gotten them wrong for years . So I wasn 't surprised at all this morning when I sang the wrong lyrics to this song , to which my eldest of course corrected me . From behind a closed door in the back of the house a disembodied voice bellowed " It 's grace ! " " What ? " " I said it 's grace ! " " What ! ? " The door opens and she says " I said it 's grace , not strength . . the lyrics are ' pray that I may have the grace ' . The door closes . Isn 't it funny how sometimes God corrects us through others ? How that something so simple as her just being herself was a moment of ' ah ha ' to me ? There is such a huge difference in me having the strength , and me asking for the grace to let you be my servant too . It reminded me immediately of the scene where Jesus says he 's going to wash Peters feet and impetuous Peter declares Lord no ! You will never wash MY feet . Jesus then tells him If I do not wash your feet , you will have no part of me . Then here I was this morning crying out with Peter , Lord then wash not just my feet but my hands and my head as well ! All too often we forget to humble ourselves enough to accept God 's grace . He offers to do something for us and we turn our back on it , lifting ourselves up and saying I don 't need that ! Our pride gets in the way . It 's when we try to do things on our own strength that we find ourselves falling back into those same old sins . You know when you say " I 've got this beat , I haven 't done XXXXX in weeks , I have finally mastered myself . " that we fall . When we rather turn to God and say " I 'm not strong enough to do this on my own . I need you . Please heavenly Father , send me strength , send me grace , send me help ; " that is when we find ourselves able to resist and live a Christ like life . We often hear that saying that God will not give us more than we can handle . I 'm not sure I agree with that . Sometimes I think God allows us just a bit more so that we can break , so that we can say " God I 'm not strong enough for this . . help me carry my Cross . . " So today I ask , and pray ; will you let me be your servant ? As many of you know , I 've taken some time away from the computer for Lent ; only recently returning to Facebook and blogging . During that time I 've tried to add some other pursuits that would help me grow closer to God . One of the things I decided to do was get back to ' pleasure reading . ' With classes for ministry formation , bible studies , prayer groups , etc . . . a great deal of my reading has been ' assignments ' or things I needed to research to plan a prayer retreat , or even the Facebook posts . So I picked out a few books to read , to help me grow closer , but also books that are just for me . Books I wanted to read . One of those books is The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything by Reverend James Martin , SJ . This book interested me because of our new Holy Father , Pope Francis , and his Jesuit background . I don 't know a lot about Jesuits so trying to understand their spirituality is very interesting and enlightening to me . I 've also been reading the wonderful book , Pope Francis : Why He Leads the Way He Leads given to me as a gift by my dear friend Laci . One of the interesting things I have found about Father Martin , is that he consistently looks for Gods presence in everything . In every person . In every action . In every thought . In every ' desire ' . He looks to find God , if not in the moment , at least in retrospect to the end of his day when he does his daily Examen . There is such a wonderful anecdote in the book by Father Martin about a man working in an administrative position who , when the door bell rings , would say " I am coming Lord ! " in preparation for trying to see God in whoever had come to visit or to do business . Such a simple concept , to look at your day and try to find God in each person you talk to . In each task you are doing . In every blessing and even in every problem . Father Tim Seigel used to say much the same thing , when he would talk about the beauty of our round church . He would tell us that in each person in the room , there is Jesus waiting . I even remember a story about a grumpy old man that someone was trying to serve or at least talk with in a shelter , and the story ended with " Jesus wasn 't in a very good mood that day . " It all boils down to " whatever you have done for the least of these , you have done for me " and in the same token " whatever you have not done for the least of these , you have not done for me . " This long introduction leads me to such a simple moment , but one that really opened my eyes and blessed me this morning . On Thursdays we say a chaplet of Divine Mercy in our Sanctuary after Mass . Today as we were praying for Mercy for the world and all of us in it , I was drawn to contemplating Mary Magdalene and the gospel from a few days previous . In that Gospel Mary arrives at the tomb and finds it empty . She is devastated . Jesus walks up but she doesn 't recognize him in his glorified state , and I 'm sure her grief stricken heart and tears helped make it even more difficult to recognize anyone at all . She , thinking he was the caretaker , begged him to just tell her where Jesus body was and she 'd come get it . She turned back to the tomb , turning her back on God . . . and a moment later , Jesus said her name . Something so simple , but immediately she recognized him . As we were praying for Divine Mercy , I was thinking of the beauty and mercy of that tender moment . . . being called by God , by name . There I sat thinking looking around at the faces of the beautiful people praying with me , and asking myself do I see Jesus in this room ? In Richard and Gene I always find love , in Mary I find patience and fortitude , in Paul I find the kindness to go out of his way to help everyone . Yes , in these people I see Jesus every day . My heart was content for I thought , " Yes , I have seen Jesus today in his body ! " Then as we were leaving , I was talking to Rita about the prayer basket we had set up in the entrance and she , as always , was kind and generous . Then as she was leaving she gave me a hug and a kiss on the check , and she said " You tell your children and wife , " then she paused for a moment as if taking time to get every word just right and said , " Haley . Hannah . Sarah . Moira . and Julie . " Pausing between each name as if they were precious and beautiful , and then " that I love them . " Then she walked away . There He was . When I was least expecting him , when I thought I had already seen through my own effort what he had to offer me for today , the God of Surprises blessed me with a beautiful moment in which he reminded me " I have called you by name . You are mine . " ( Isaiah 43 : 1 ) Thank you Lord for reminding me that you love and watch over my family , and that they belong to you . May I try to live up to that honor of having them in my life ; and thank you Lord for Rita , for being your instrument today to bring me such a beautiful present . As a convert to the Catholic faith , the organic nature of the development of doctrine is something that I have experienced first hand . During my formative years I began to do what is most common in the Protestant denominations ; that is I began to church shop . Many protestants are taught that the bible is the sole authority of their faith , and that they should continue looking for a church until they find one that teaches the bible and only the bible . The problem then becomes whose version of interpretation is the correct one ? Who is the authority who has the final say in interpretation ? The Holy Spirit of course is the answer , but in the physical world we also have to have someone speaking via the Holy Spirit to make decisions in matters of faith . One of my first memorable experiences of this sort of process in action was in a church in rural southwest Virginia . As the preacher began his sermon for the day , he began talking about another preacher from a different church and condemned him for smoking tobacco . He talked about how it was bad for the body and that scripture had clearly shown that our body was a temple , and that smoking was desecrating that temple . He kept preaching into a fevered pitch and paused just long enough to spit his ambeer into the cup . This man of God had just been preaching about the sinful use of smoking tobacco while clearly chewing tobacco himself . I began to look for another church . My next experience of this sort of doctrinal formation was in a Pentecostal style church where they were very animated and vibrant . They began to argue though shortly after I arrived about the necessity of one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit , glossolalia . One of the more prominent ministers argued that one must indeed speak tongues in order to be saved . The pastor began to refute that argument with scripture and indicated that while it was indeed a sign of being saved , there were other gifts of the spirit and that speaking in tongues was not required of every single person . A few weeks of arguing back and forth , during church service mind you , and they decided to go their separate ways . So one minister who disagreed with the preacher , along with all those who agreed with him , formed his own church just a few miles away . Now we had two separate churches just a few miles apart that agreed in every issue but one , but both would point to the other and say that they were going to hell . I again began to look for another church . After a while I settled down in a small church of the non - denominational variety , where they preached ' the bible ' and studied it quite often together . The Pastor seemed to be a very nice fellow who gave a very good sermon , and they often had visiting singers and preachers who would get the congregation ' stirred ' . Everything here seemed to be right on the mark , they talked about hell , gave altar calls , shared scripture in snippets just like always . In Sunday school they had us memorize the 23rd Psalm and various bible verses that we should be able to speak at a moments notice . Then one day before Christmas , the pastor began to preach against Santa , and instead of sharing the Christmas story and God 's love for us . . it became a tirade about how Santa was truly from Satan . Each holiday became just the same , the Easter Bunny next , then Halloween . Eventually it was that time again , I began to look for another church . One day , shortly after I began to really research the Catholic church at the insistence of my wife , I stumbled upon a verse that I had read many , many times in the past . " Then said Jesus to the crowds and to his disciples , ' The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses ' seat ; practice and observe whatever they tell you , but not what they do ; for they preach , but do not practice . ' " Here in Jesus own words was a verse telling me not to simply walk away and search for another church every time they did not agree with me . So I began to ask myself , which church is it that Jesus established ? How can I know ? What do they teach ? After many years of study and fighting the call of the Holy Spirit to become Catholic , I knew that it was here that I needed to be . It was only here that we had the seat of St . Peter , from whose authority the bishops and priests receive their anointing . It was here that we have the church with the power to bind and loosen . It was here that we have the sacraments as Jesus himself initiated them . It was only in the Catholic church that I would find the fullness of faith , the teachings of the Apostles and of the Holy Spirit himself . So how do those teachings help me to grow closer to God ? For the last two thousands years men much smarter than myself have been studying , philosophizing , agreeing and disagreeing about various questions that I myself have seen others speaking about and arguing about . Many of these have been put into documents , encyclicals , and into the Catechism of the church . By the guidance of the Holy Spirit many of those very questions that I have seen protestant churches splitting over , have already been answered and cemented as Dogma . Not only can I find the answers when there is a disagreement , but I can find the documents and biblical verses that back up those teachings as well . By following Catholic doctrine I have freed myself from a world where two men can split an entire congregation into two separate bodies ; and joined myself to a church , that guided by the Holy Spirit , instead tries to keep the body of Christ as One Body . The doctrines , teachings , and dogmas of the church also help me to find aspects of God that help me to further understand the mystery of his incarnation , of the trinity , and of the Sacraments . Through each of these wonderful teachings and writings on those teachings , I can further understand who God is , what God did for me , and how I can live to better please God . I also have access to the treasure of the doctors of the church who have expounded in words much more eloquent than my own matters that sometimes seem very difficult to understand . As St . Peter said , " There are some things in them hard to understand , which the ignorant and unstable twist to their own destruction , as they do the other scriptures . " By finding the church , guided by the Holy Spirit , lead by the seat of Peter himself , I have found the key to understanding those scriptures . I have found the source which will allow me to further understand and further grow closer to God , to find answers to those questions and find hope and grace in the Sacraments . That hope and grace draws me closer and closer to God himself . I like buffets . My all time high weight of almost 400 lbs really showed that on the outside . For years when my family would ask where I wanted to eat , my main requirement was that there be a lot of food . ( click the the link to read more ) It is well , with my soul . Twelve years or so ago I met a woman who changed my life . It all started with phone conversations that went well into the early morning . . .

I write because so many people have told me to write a book about my life , but I have always felt no one would believe this " stranger than fiction " life if I did write it all down . However , after my Dad died , I was continually plagued with his last requests - write your story , Cindy . God has given it to you for a reason . You can help people by showing them what God has done for you through the trials and tribulations of your life . And so this blog . . . because I don 't know how to write a book . I write just like I talk . So just expect stories where God has been protecting me , teaching me , molding me , refining me and that means through fire ! I never know what to expect next nor should you . Seek the Lord while He may be found . I know I am very behind in my posts . I do apologize . The last two months especially have been very long , draining days . Not that they weren 't exciting and fulfilling , but every minute seemed to be scheduled with clients and candidates and that 's where my focus had to be . Often I was prepping early or late and so there just wasn 't the down time from before . BELIEVE ME , I am not complaining ! This has been more of a gift from God in so many ways I cannot begin to tell you . I would love to give you all the little details about how our Lord is so involved in every aspect of our lives , but of course , confidentiality must win ! The great little secret though is starting off your day with the Lord ! Don 't tell me for one minute He hasn 't known exactly what I was going to be reading for my day and what I would need , because of course , He always does . Praying before I start my calls , makes the difference , I am convinced . Do I get everyone I want ? No , but I get everyone the Lord wants me to work with . I know that 's why I am " doing better " this year , in recruiter numbers , but hopefully more importantly in lives changed for the better , people I 've spoken to sent on their way - better . Whatever it is that I am supposed to do or say for someone who comes into my sphere that day , that is what I am counting on my God , to open my mouth or put in my mind . He of course , never lets me down ! My husband and I were able to travel and see our children and grandchildren this past week for the holiday . Another thing I am grateful for - a boss who knew when I needed a break ! I was able to see my brother and 3 sisters and families too ! A whole lot of cooking was done - some by me ! Amazingly I haven 't forgotten how . I was always able to help in my daughter 's beautiful new kitchen . What a pleasure it was to work there ! I learned some new tricks and even made a new dish ( for me ) bouillabaisse . Nice that it turned out and my husband wants it again now that we are home ! What else might I be thankful for ? For now anyway , the freedom to worship my Lord God as I choose . The right to bear arms if I choose . The right to drive a car with a valid drivers license - many women in many parts of the world can 't do this . The right to choose what I want to wear , shorts , jeans , a swimsuit , but whatever I choose . Another choice many women don 't have . I work at a job I love , with men and women . Again , not a choice that many women in the world get to make . People say its for their protection . Yeah , I wonder exactly who 's protection ? The one who doesn 't want her to know there is a great big world out there ? I might havehave been raised " a long time ago " but one thing my parents never did to me or any of my sisters was tell us what we couldn 't be when we grew up . We are all four very different , accomplished women . And my brothers ain 't bad either ! I cried when i read this , because I understood it so well . I have been there when I had it all and it wasn 't enough . When I was pushed and it wasn 't enough . Jesus is enough ! The cross says enough ! Read it and believe ! ! Towards the end of September we went to visit Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville , FL because I couldn 't find a neurologist locally who had any experience with dura fistulas like I had had back in 2009 . Dura Fistulas are extremely rare - form in the womb apparently and slowly , in my case anyway , manifest themselves . I 've already written about the surgeries and the after effects headaches . It 's the year I first started blogging . I remember being so angry with the Lord to let another thing go wrong with me ! Wow and I had no idea of the future did I ? It 's a good thing I got past that anger . Anyway , the reason we went was that the soft " squishy spots have reappeared on my head and I had the headaches again . This all started after the stroke in July . I have literally had a constant headache since July 11 . The good news is that they didn 't see a dura fistula in the angiogram that was finally performed . I don 't have all the results yet , but have been gone long enough that if things were an emergency , I think they would have called me . The bad news is no one has any answers either . I could have a repeat of the tiny pseudo tumor underneath my scalp , but I don 't think they are big enough to show up for someone to want to operate on them . And I really , really don 't want any more surgery of any kind this year if I don 't absolutely have to have it . So What Do I Do Now ? What I have always done in the past . I turn to Jesus . He is the only one that knows all things and has all the answers . What I do know is that this keeps me totally dependent upon Him . One of the things you do when you go to Mayo is wait a lot . So I was prepared with new books . I have always loved to read . These days not as much time to take advantage of it . And God has changed my reading habits . I used to read any and all things especially the mysteries . I grew up on Nancy Drew , the Hardy Boys , The Bobbsey Twins and Cherry Ames . I think that is what makes me a good recruiter . Being a detective , looking for the needle in the haystack … Still , there are many today that are so graphic , God stops me from reading them before I am 2 or 3 chapters in . So I was thrilled to find a new Christian mystery writer ! Her name is Dee Henderson . And honestly , I have never read a book including non fiction that so clearly answers questions , coming at faith from so many different points . Points of deep loss , deep abuse or abandonment , lack of human love . God is and has always been there . Through every moment of a murder , an abuse , a lack a of love , a lie , He is there . So I highly recommend Dee Henderson . I don 't ever think you will be disappointed in anything she has written . The other thing I have been involved in is a Bible study of the book of Daniel . For those that don 't know of Daniel , he and his 3 friends were part of the inhabitants of Jerusalem that were captured by King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon . He was the greatest ruler of the Neo - Babylonian period and one of the most competent monarchs of ancient times . Daniel and his three friends were part of the nobility that were taken to become a part of Babylon and go into the king 's service . Daniel 1 : 8 Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine , and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way . What of course happened is that Daniel and his friends were healthier than any of the other youths who were eating as the Babylonians . What I learned from that lesson what Godliness is never accidental . Neither is victory coincidental . Both stem from up - front , daily resolve - as in time with the Lord ! Consistency ! The life blood of integrity is becoming the same person no matter where we are - no matter who 's around . When we become people of integrity , everything we are on the inside is obvious on the outside . That was week 1 ! Week 2 was about the dream King Neb had . Get this , he wanted his sorcerers and magicians to tell him what his dream was and then interpret it for him ! Talk about difficult ! ! And if they couldn 't do it , he was going to start chopping them all into little pieces . But because Daniel prayed and asked God what the dream was and what the interpretation was , all the executions were stayed . Remember please that this young man was probably about 18 years old when he did this . But he knew his God . This is the dream and the interpretation . I am including this for those skeptics who don 't believe that God 's Word is true . Daniel 2 : 27 - 45 Daniel replied , " No wise man , enchanter , magician , or diviner can explain to the king the mystery he has asked about , but there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries . He has shown King Nebuchadnezzar what will happen in days to come . Your dream and the visions that passed through your mind as you lay on your bed are these : As your were lying there O king , your mind turned to things to come , and the revealer of mysteries showed you what is going to happen . As for me , this mystery has been revealed to me , not because I have greater wisdom than other living men , but so that you , O king , may know the interpretation and that you may understand what went through your mind . You looked , O king , and there before you stood a large statue - an enormous , dazzling statue , awesome in appearance . The head of the statute was made of pure gold , its chest and arms of silver , its belly and thighs of bronze , and its legs of iron , its feet partly of iron and partly of baked clay . While you were watching , a rock was cut out but not by human hands . It struck the statute on its feet of iron and clay and smashed them . Then the iron , the clay , the bronze , the silver and the gold were broken into pieces at the same time and became like chaff on a threshing floor in the summer . The wind swept them away without leaving a trace . But the rock that struck the statue became a huge mountain and filled the whole eaThe God of Heaven knows all things . These are the kingdoms being spoken of : Head of Gold - Kingdom of Babylon , Chest and Arms of Silver - Medes and the Persians , Belly and Thighs of Bronze - Greeks ( Alexander the Great ) , Legs of Iron - The Roman Empire , The Feet - the kingdom to come - perhaps even now forming among the European and Roma countries ? Of course Daniel 's words of prophecy were true because every kingdom announced came one after the other . That is how you know a true prophet , you know . He is never wrong . I think that is enough for today even though we are already up to Daniel 6 this last week . What I can tell you is that I don 't want to be absorbed into the Babylon that is our world . That is the one lesson from the Lord that has been constant with me every week . I 'll do my best not to wait another month to post ! I 'll be way too far behind . As I had what I hope will be the very last reconstructive surgery a week ago , I recouped over Labor Day weekend reading books , posts on FB and the internet and listening to the news . I watched Shephard Smith about break down a few weeks after the airliner was shot down over Ukraine , the border jumpers in Texas in particular , and the volcanoes erupting . Since then we have had Ebola kill thousands , ISIS become a major threat to the world , Putin continue to flex his muscles , volcanoes continue to erupt , illegals still are jumping our borders . The United States has seen two of its citizens beheaded by ISIS , in retaliation , they say , for our bombings , pitiful as they are . Yet America by and large continues business as usual . Oh we rail against our " Muslim President who won 't hit his Muslim brotherhood unless he just has to . " We rail against our Congress - yes that means you Congress Representatives and Senators for only caring about getting re - elected , not anything about doing the business of government . but other than that , what do we do America ? I watched a news program this morning . They had started off talking about the fact that this is a Christian nation , founded on the principles of God . Which is in fact truth , it was . Then they went on to talk about how our nation is a " melting pot " and we have every religion here . That is true . But as far as I know , in our constitution nor our Bill of Rights , does it demand that we bow down to somebody else 's idea of " their " religion or no religion . I believe that our courts , our judges , our attorneys who continue to pursue this line only pursue with the threat of a nasty eternity hanging over their heads . God says He will not be mocked and all will find out soon enough exactly who is King of Kings . In Matthew 24 the disciples have come to Jesus privately and asked Him about when the things that He has prophesied will happen . First , he tells them that all of the stones that make up the temple building will be thrown . It happens 70 yrs AD and as for the " end of the age ? pay attention : Starting with v5 For many will come in my name , claiming , " I am the Christ " and will deceive many . You will hear of wars and rumors of wars , but see to it hat you are not alarmed . such things must happen , but in end is still to come . Nation will rise up against nation , and kingdom against kingdom . there will be famines and earthquakes in various places . All of these are the beginning of the birth pains . Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death and you will be hated by all nations because of me . at that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other , and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people . Because of the increase of wickedness , the love of most will grow cold , he who stands firm to the end will be saved . If you want to know about the end of the world , all you have to do is continue to read the chapter . Jesus was very specific about the coming events . Even in verse 32 , Israel becoming a nation ( the fig tree which it is called here ) , He prophesied and truly , 1948 Israel was reborn as a nation . Jesus talks about His coming , that it will be as it was in the days of Noah . For in the days before the flood , people were eating and drinking , marrying and giving in marriage up to the day Noah entered the Ark and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away . But do you remember why there had to be a flood at all ? It was because God had looked down upon the earth and had seen " how great man 's wickedness had become . " That is how it will be when Jesus comes . Two will be in the field , one will be taken ( the believer ) and one will be left . Jesus told us to be ready . Are you ready ? Thirty five or forty years ago , I read a book named Tortured For Christ by Richard Wurmbrand . It made a profound impression upon me . Just in the last year , I have come upon the organization he and his wife ( Sabina who also underwent severe persecution , torture and imprisonment for Jesus ' sake ) . It is called The Voice of The Martyrs . I have read several of their books and stories through their newsletters . Please check them out at http : / / www . persecution . com Another organization that I think very highly of is Gospel for Asia . I get their books and newsletters too . These organizations , along with Samaritan 's Purse are acting as the hands and feet of Jesus all over the world . VOM and Gospel for Asia are actively involved in sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ . I know enough about Billy Graham 's son , to believe that while the organization Samaritan 's Purse , takes take of the physical body of a person , it is always also ministering to the spiritual . Jesus said for what gain is it to have your life for a short time here , but lose for eternity ? So I would ask you again ? Are you ready ? Or are you one of those people I speak with day in and day out that are empty and missing something vital in their lives but they just don 't know what exactly it is ? God says " If you seek you will find me . " I am living proof . WOW ! I sure got a lot of action with that last post ! I know that Islam , Muslims , ISLA , are all hot topics today . Imagine my surprise when former FL Rep Allen West came out today with his report of why Obama is an Islamist ! God knew what I was going to write just as He Knew what Rep . West was going to write . Why are these things important ? Because my God is also all - loving , most compassionate and full of mercy . He has prompted His people to write now as in times past to alert people about things that are happening ( as well as going to happen ) . I do not claim to be a prophet - not at all . However , I do listen to what my Father says when He wants me to post something . I have said that often enough in most anything I have posted . Last night after that post with the speech , I went right to bed . As I lay there waiting for sleep to come , I felt in my spirit , my Lord telling me that I needed to follow up with His Good News . Please stay with me as I go through this with you . It may be really important information for you - if not today , then someday . Most of you will have already noticed that I talk about a personal God , ( my and Father probably gave it away ! ) One thing you may not know is that my God , the God of the Universe , the Creator , the Father of Abraham , Isaac , Jacob , Peter , Paul , John and so many others , is the only God of any kind to have a relationship with His followers ? No other religion 's god does that . Another thing , my God has created a Holy Book , well , it 's actually 66 books , written by 40 different authors , most of whom didn 't know each other personally . They came from a variety of backgrounds : shepherds , fishermen , doctors , kings , prophets and others . It was written in 3 different languages ( Hebrew , Greek and Aramaic ) on 3 different continents , over a period of 1500 years . It has a common storyline throughout each book , of God and His love and forgiveness and mercy . There are no historical errors or contradictions . Anyone who has studied any kind of laws of averages , knows that unless God wrote those Books , through the authors , there would be no way that ordinary man could have accomplished that ! For me to continue now , using Holy Scriptures , you see why it was important that you understand where they came from . From the beginning , God has always had plan to rescue man . He has always known that none of us could ever be perfect enough to come into His heaven . That is why He sent His Son , prophesied from Genesis and continually through the Old Testament , even to His flogging and method of death , although it had not even been invented yet ! Here is the first scripture , Genesis 3 : 15 And I will put enmity between you and the woman , and between your offspring and hers ; he ( the Messiah ) will crush your head , and you will strike his heel . ( crucifixion ) Then , I am going to skip over to Isaiah 53 . Bear with me , there is a lot of important scripture here . Starting in verse 1 through 9 : Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed ? He grew up before him like a shoot , and like a root out of dry ground . He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him , nothing in his appearance that we should desire him . He was despised and rejected by men , a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering . Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised and we esteemed him not . Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows , yet we considered him stricken by God , smitten by him and afflicted . But he was pierced for our transgressions , he was crushed for our iniquities ; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him , and by his wounds we are healed . We all , like sheep , have gone astray , each of us has turned to his own way ; and the iniquity of us all . He was oppressed and afflicted , yet he did not open his mouth ; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter , and as a sheep before her shearers is silent , so he did not open his mouth . By oppression and judgment he was taken away . And who can speak of his descendants ? For he was cut off from the land of the living ; for the transgressions of my people he was stricken . He was assigned a grave with the wicked , and with the rich in his death , thouIf you have never read that passage before , that is Isaiah 's description of the Messiah 's trials , beatings and crucifixion . It even talks about the fact that Jesus never defended himself … hundreds of years before it happened . And yes , our Lord was assigned a grave with the wicked , but a rich man , a believer , gave him his tomb . I hope that this will make you want to read for yourself the accounts of Jesus Christ , the Messiah , the Savior of the world 's crucifixion . You can read about it in Matthew 26 : 47 - 27 : 60 , Mark 14 : 43 - 15 : 47 , Luke 22 : 47 - 23 : 54 and John 18 : 1 - 19 : 42 . Thank our God and Father the story doesn 't end there ! If you keep reading in each of those books , to the end of the chapters , you will read of the glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ , who conquered death and rose to sit at the right hand of the Father . So for those of you who have stuck with me so far , thank you , but the reward will be yours . Let me leave you with 3 more scriptures … some of my favorites . John 1 : 12 Yet to all who received him ( Jesus ) , to those he gave the right to become the children of God . John 14 : 6 Jesus answered and said , " I am the Way , the Truth , and the Life . No one comes to the Father except through me " . Revelation 3 : 20 Here I am ! ( the Holy Spirit of God ) I stand at the door ( of your heart ) and knock . If anyone hears my voice and opens the door , I will come in and abide ( stay forever ) with him / her and he / her with me . Very simply to become a child of the most high God , you have to accept His Son . There is no other way , no other religion . The way you do it , is ask Him to forgive you for going your own way - which is never His way ! because we just aren 't perfect people ! Then you simply ask Him to come into your heart and He will ! He always keeps His promises ! It sounds too simple doesn 't it ? But Jesus said it was so simple a child could understand and do it and many do . I wasn 't one of those . I had to go my own way for many years , but I am so glad that I made the decision to ask Him into my heart on June 20 , 1971 . I have been anything but a perfect woman since , but God has never let me go and keeps me closer than ever now . It has been a growing process of getting to know Him , getting to know His Word . If I studied all day , everyday of every year , I still would not be able to know and understand all that is there , but that 's certainly the challenge of it ! Learning and understanding . Fa Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Christianity , how to know God , Islam , Jesus Christ , Religion , why Jesus had to die . | Tagged : " Who 's in Charge ? " , A child of the King , Bible , Bible study , Christ Jesus , Christianity , Father God , forgiveness , God , God the Father , God 's grace , Gospel of John , Gospel of Matthew , Holy Spirit , Islam , Jesus , Jesus Christ , Lord Jesus Christ , questions about God , religion | 2 Comments » For those who know me and have spoken to me or read earlier posts , you know of my concerns . I have been studying extensively what the Holy Word of God says about all this . I really believe that we are on the edge of eternity - does that mean days , years , decades ? I am not a prophet . I can only point you to the scriptures . Read them for yourselves . God always keeps His promises and prophecies . Geert Wilders was a Member of the Dutch Parliament . In a generation or two , the US will ask itself : " Who lost Europe ? " Here is the speech of Geert Wilders , Chairman , Party for Freedom the Netherlands , at the Four Seasons in New York , introducing an Alliance of Patriots and announcing the Facing Jihad Conference in Jerusalem . Dear friends , I come to America with a mission . All is not well in the old world . There is a tremendous danger looming , and it is very difficult to be optimistic . We might be in the final stages of the Islamization of Europe . This not only is a clear and present danger to the future of Europe itself , it is a threat to America and the sheer survival of the West . The United States as the last bastion of Western civilization , facing an Islamic Europe . First , I will describe the situation on the ground in Europe … Then , I will say a few things about Islam . To close I will tell you about a meeting in Jerusalem . . The Europe you know is changing . You have probably seen the landmarks . But in all of these cities , sometimes a few blocks away from your tourist destination , there is another world . It is the world of the parallel society created by Muslim mass - migration . All throughout Europe a new reality is rising : entire Muslim neighborhoods where very few indigenous people reside or are even seen . And if they are , they might regret it . This goes for the police as well . It 's the world of head scarves , where women walk around in figureless tents , with baby strollers and a group of children . Their husbands , or slaveholders if you prefer , walk three steps ahead . With mosques on many street corners . The shops have signs you and I cannot read . You will be hard - pressed to find any economic activity . These are Muslim ghettos controlled by religious fanatics . These are Muslim neighborhoods , and they are mushrooming in every city across Europe . . These are the building - blocks for territorial control of increasingly larger portions of Europe , street by street , neighborhood by neighborhood , city by city . There are now thousands of mosques throughout Europe . With larger congregations than there are in churches . And in every European city there are plans to build super - mosques that will dwarf every church in the region . Clearly , the signal is : we rule . Many European cities are already one - quarter Muslim : just take Amsterdam , Marseille and Malmo in Sweden . . In many cities the majority of the under - 18 population is Muslim . Paris is now surrounded by a ring of Muslim neighborhoods . Mohammed is the most popular name among boys in many cities . Many state schools in Belgium and Denmark only serve halal food to all pupils . In once - tolerant Amsterdam gays are beaten up almost exclusively by Muslims . Non - Muslim women routinely hear ' whore , whore ' . Satellite dishes are not pointed to local TV stations , but to stations in the country of origin . In England sharia courts are now officially part of the British legal system . Many neighborhoods in France are no - go areas for women without head scarves . Last week a man almost died after being beaten up by Muslims in Brussels , because he was drinking during the Ramadan . Jews are fleeing France in record numbers , on the run for the worst wave of anti - Semitism since World War II . French is now commonly spoken on the streets of Tel Aviv and Netanya , Israel . . I could go on forever with stories like this . Stories about Islamization . Now these are just numbers . And the numbers would not be threatening if the Muslim - immigrants had a strong desire to assimilate . But there are few signs of that . The Pew Research Center reported that half of French Muslims see their loyalty to Islam as greater than their loyalty to France . One - third of French Muslims do not object to suicide attacks . The British Centre for Social Cohesion reported that one - third of British Muslim students are in favor of a worldwide caliphate . Muslims demand what they call ' respect ' . And this is how we give them respect . We have Muslim official state holidays . Muslim demands are supported by unlawful behavior , ranging from petty crimes and random violence , for example , against ambulance workers and bus drivers , to small - scale riots . Paris has seen its uprising in the low - income suburbs , the banlieus . I call the perpetrators ' settlers ' , because that is what they are . They do not come to integrate into our societies ; they come to integrate our society into their Dar - al - Islam . Therefore , they are settlers . The second thing you need to know is the importance of Mohammed the prophet . His behavior is an example to all Muslims and cannot be criticized . Now , if Mohammed had been a man of peace , let us say like Ghandi and Mother Theresa wrapped in one , there would be no problem . But Mohammed was a warlord , a mass murderer , a pedophile , and had several marriages - at the same time . Islamic tradition tells us how he fought in battles , how he had his enemies murdered and even had prisoners of war executed . Mohammed himself slaughtered the Jewish tribe of Banu Qurayza . If it is good for Islam , it is good . If it is bad for Islam , it is bad . Let no one fool you about Islam being a religion . Sure , it has a god , and a here - after , and 72 virgins . But in its essence Islam is a political ideology . It is a system that lays down detailed rules for society and the life of every person . Islam wants to dictate every aspect of life . Islam means ' submission ' . Islam is not compatible with freedom and democracy , because what it strives for is sharia . If you want to compare Islam to anything , compare it to communism or national - socialism , these are all totalitarian ideologies . Now you know why Winston Churchill called Islam ' the most retrograde force in the world ' , and why he compared Mein Kampf to the Quran . The public has wholeheartedly accepted the Palestinian narrative , and sees Israel as the aggressor . I have lived in this country and visited it dozens of times . I support Israel , first , because it is the Jewish homeland after two thousand years of exile up to and including Auschwitz , second because it is a democracy , and third because Israel is our first line of defense . This tiny country is situated on the fault line of jihad , frustrating Islam 's territorial advance . Israel is facing the front lines of Jihad , like Kashmir , Kosovo , the Philippines , Southern Thailand , Darfur in Sudan , Lebanon , and Aceh in Indonesia . . Israel is simply in the way , the same way West - Berlin was during the Cold War . The war against Israel is not a war against Israel . It is a war against the West . It is Jihad . Israel is simply receiving the blows that are meant for all of us . If there would have been no Israel , Islamic imperialism would have found other venues to release its energy and its desire for conquest . Thanks to Israeli parents who send their children to the army and lay awake at night , parents in Europe and America can sleep well and dream , unaware of the dangers looming . Many in Europe argue in favor of abandoning Israel in order to address the grievances of our Muslim minorities . But if Israel were , God forbid , to go down , it would not bring any solace to the West . . It would not mean our Muslim minorities would all of a sudden change their behavior , and accept our values . On the contrary , the end of Israel would give enormous encouragement to the forces of Islam . They would , and rightly so , see the demise of Israel as proof that the West is weak , and doomed . The end of Israel would not mean the end of our problems with Islam , but only the beginning . It would mean the start of the final battle for world domination . If they can get Israel , they can get everything . So - called journalists volunteer to label any and all critics of Islamization as a ' right - wing extremists ' or ' racists ' . In my country , the Netherlands , 60 percent of the population now sees the mass immigration of Muslims as the number one policy mistake since World War II . And another 60 percent sees Islam as the biggest threat . Yet there is a greater danger than terrorist attacks , the scenario of America as the last man standing . The lights may go out in Europe faster than you can imagine . An Islamic Europe means a Europe without freedom and democracy , an economic wasteland , an intellectual nightmare , and a loss of military might for America - as its allies will turn into enemies , enemies with atomic bombs . With an Islamic Europe , it would be up to America alone to preserve the heritage of Rome , Athens and Jerusalem … . . Dear friends , liberty is the most precious of gifts . My generation never had to fight for this freedom , it was offered to us on a silver platter , by people who fought for it with their lives . All throughout Europe , American cemeteries remind us of the young boys who never made it home , and whose memory we cherish . My generation does not own this freedom ; we are merely its custodians . We can only hand over this hard won liberty to Europe 's children in the same state in which it was offered to us . We cannot strike a deal with mullahs and imams . Future generations would never forgive us . We cannot squander our liberties . We simply do not have the right to do so . I think everyone knows I had really hoped for great health and no more surprises . But as Ken Copeland on a re - broadcast message today said . " You are never going to have a life free from troubles . It will manifest in many different ways , but you will always have troubles , but remember that Jesus said He had overcome the world . " I woke up Saturday morning with severe double vision , a crooked smile and an awful headache . So instead of going to a church get - together , we went to the ER . My first time in this part of the state . The doctor said I had had a " mini stroke " or TIA . They admitted me pretty quickly to the " stroke center floor " . I spent the rest of Saturday and most of Sunday undergoing tests . They started my physical therapy this morning as I did have a problem on my left side with my leg and arm … I think everyone knows I had really hoped for great health and no more surprises . But as Ken Copeland on a re - broadcast message today said . " You are never going to have a life free from troubles . It will manifest in many different ways , but you will always have troubles , but remember that Jesus said He had overcome the world . " I woke up Saturday morning with severe double vision , a crooked smile and an awful headache . So instead of going to a church get - together , we went to the ER . My first time in this part of the state . The doctor said I had had a " mini stroke " or TIA . They admitted me pretty quickly to the " stroke center floor " . I spent the rest of Saturday and most of Sunday undergoing tests . They started my physical therapy this morning as I did have a problem on my left side with my leg and arm . But if any of you remember last year and the stroke on March 15th , you know this was mild indeed ! ! And how grateful I am to be talking and walking ! My stay wasn 't as pleasant for a lot of reasons this time , but there were some good things that came out of it as there always are , because God says that " all things work together for those that love Him " . I was completely loved on my the members of my church family . My Sunday School leaders , my deacon , my pastor , my girlfriend and her granddaughter , they all came . Different times and days ; it was really precious for me . My sweet husband read the Psalms to me because I couldn 't read anything very well for those first two days . I guess the most important time was my time with the Lord . If you know me at all , you know I was talking to Him and asking lots of questions ! But we had good conversations and while I don 't have many answers , I do have peace that my Father always loves me , knows right where I am , and is in perfect control of the situation . My pastor reminded me of the 20th Psalm when he came to visit . As he read it to me , I knew that I had prayed specifically about some things that were happening in my life in January 2012 . Now reading it again , I see that the Lord has answered me in ways I couldn 't have even imagined ! ! ( yes , I was blogging then , look in my index to read the crazy things that were going on then ! ) But I do want to write out the Psalm here . Perhaps it will mean something to someone else . We are living in crazy , dangerous , but exciting times . NOW is the time to call upon the Lord if you have not ! The time is short . Remember , Jesus said that we should be looking for Him to come and get us when we once again have a world like the days of Noah . And we certainly do now . It is so simple to call upon the Lord God to be saved . He says if you search for me , you will find me . He says open the door of your heart and ask me to come in and I will stay with you forever and I will be your Lord and Savior . Psalm 20 May the Lord shower you when you are in distress ; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you . May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion . May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings . May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed . We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God . May the Lord grant all your requests . Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed ; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand . Some trust in chariots and some in horses , but we trust in the name of the Lord our God . They are brought to their knees and fall , but we rise up and stand firm . O Lord , save the king ! Answer us when we call ! What a beautiful picture of a personal God who is interested in everything about us and loves us . This is one of the biggest differences between our Father God and the god of the Muslims . Their " Allah " is a god of vengeance and wrath . He is not personal at all , as in God is my Father . My Lord and Savior , Jesus Christ , His Son , but equally God came and died for me AND for this world , most of which hated Him then and hate Him now . He is the God of Peace - everlasting , overwhelming , and unexplainable , peace . Many Muslim people are coming to know my Jesus , because they do seek the one true God . As many of you know , I consider it quite an accomplishment when I get to celebrate another birthday ! And so it was this year too ! First , I should count my many blessings : my husband of 34 years whom I love so much ! My wonderful kids - actually grown women now and son - in - law , and 3 fabulous grand girls ! Then there are all of my extended family , my 5 siblings and their families . I have such great sib in - laws , and nieces and nephews and 2 grand - nephews . Then there are my cousins and their families . I look back through the pictures of my life and it has passed so fast so far ! I have so many wonderful memories . Not that I plan on stopping making memories , but today I feel very blessed . The picture which I will attach and am going to try to change on the Gravatar is what we took last Friday night . I was full of fresh oysters , shrimp and pompano ( a wonderful fish ) ! All fixed at home , so far we do it better than anybody we 've found locally ! And I do make this wonderful salsa to go with the fish and shrimp . Marvelous ! As I have said so many times , it is the Lord 's blessing that I am here . We do believe that we are living in Paradise on earth anyway , back in FL . I have been able to find some genuinely caring doctors who have gone above and beyond to see to my care . I thought that I would simply see a breast reconstruction surgeon when I got to FL as that was what I was cautioned by my oncologist . I had a lump that was needle biopsied after an MRI couldn 't tell clearly what the lump was . When I brought the MRI to the FL surgeon and we discussed the lump , he said he wasn 't as concerned with getting that out as he was with the picture of my other breast . He showed us that it clearly showed the implant was millimeters from pushing through my skin ! This would have been catastrophic on many levels he said . Immediate overwhelming infection , and less so , they couldn 't put the implant back in for 6 - 12 months . He emphasized the need for immediate surgery which I couldn 't believe they got approved so quickly with my insurance company . Once he got in , he said he found a mess . The previous breast surgeon I had after my double mastectomy had put in silicone implants , one that ruptured . When he replaced it , he never bothered to clean out the silicone . So it 's been flowing around loose in my body for all these years . It probably has something to do with the immunity disorder that I have as I have read that the silicone ruptures did lead to immunity issues in people . All I can say is it 's a good thing he is retired ! ! ! Because of all the mess , it took 3 hours to do my surgery . This surgeon has been incredible . I asked him about his bill and he said I would never see one . I asked if he was sure that Mentor would pay for my implants , he said absolutely . The hospital care was great too . Even his follow - up care has been above - board . He saw me in the office on a Sunday last week because of course , I have some infection . But he wanted to check me himself instead of sending me to the ER . Can you believe that ? And he had already driven an Today I had another block in my back after seeing a neurosurgeon who wants to do a sacroiliac join fusion which he thinks will help my pain hugely . But the catch is being off of my right leg weight for 6 - 8weeks and I live in a townhouse . I need a stair lift and right now that isn 't doable anymore than more surgery is - maybe late this fall ? In the meantime , I have a great pain management doc and he schedules me really fast . We saw him Wed and I had the block today . I have no pain at all in the joint . It usually takes a few days for the muscle going over to my hip to get the medicine to , but here is hoping it works for a while ! I have had the most difficult of business weeks . I don 't think I could have managed without my devotional and all of the scriptures from Jesus Calling . Please pray for me that next week goes well as it is a very important week of interviews ! So now we have been here 3 months . Slowly making friends with our neighbors and people at the church . It 's been hard with me being down , but I hope to start having people over for dinner ! And I can 't wait for Bible Study to start in the fall . Bible Study and Sunday School that 's where you make your best friends . I told ya 'll I would write when we got all settled , but I have also been waiting on the Lord to tell me what He wanted me to write about besides myself and my wonderful new home and town . Yesterday He gave it to me in the form of an opinion letter in our local daily newspaper . I am so thrilled and surprised that they print the letters that they do ! But then I remember that I am living here in the most conservative part of the state . How I wish I could bundle this up and take it and sprinkle it over the cities of America like fairy dust ! But only turning back to our Lord will make a difference in people 's actions , their behaviors , their hearts . I have the permission of the permission of the person who wrote this letter to the editor to reprint it here , word for word . I was told it would be great that the word would go out to more than just our little area . I intend to publish this same letter on my LinkedIn page and Facebook page . I want it to get as much attention as possible . This letter puts so clearly into words all of my thoughts and concerns that I have sometimes expressed here and with my family and friends before , but not so well . This is a beautifully written , crystal clear indictment of those in Washington , DC . For those of you who cry " Racist ! " when anyone disagrees with or criticizes this president , it 's understandable , because he and his cohorts do it ! It is unseemly and demeaning to have the leaders of this great nation broadcast to the world that they are being mistreated or that some legislation won 't be passed because of racism . President Obama , Attorney General Eric Holder , House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid all have sunk to this level . How did this happen ? How did those moral , spiritual and mental midgets become leaders of the greatest nation the world has ever known ? Where are the giants ? Where are the men and women of integrity , wisdom and strong moral character ? where are the leaders who care more about people and country than getting elected next time ? If we don 't find the giants soon , we may go down in the annals of history like mighty Rome , destroyed by corruption from within . Our Rome is burning . It is not too late to put out the fire , but the majority in the country will have to wake up and care about our decline . We are on a slippery slope , ceding our freedom and liberty to narcissistic miscreants who are intent on our downfall . Don 't you just love that letter ? Puts it all in perspective , right ? Certainly says it better than I ever could have ! I 'll have more to say about our new life and what else is going on real soon , because lot 's of stuff is and I need your prayers .

Category : Women Who Hike A Quick Trip to White Sands National Monument : Go Early , Hike in Late … Last week , I decided to take a couple of days and visit White Sands National Monument . I 've lived in New Mexico for almost three years and decided it was time . There is no excuse not to take advantage of a National Monument or Park when it 's in your backyard . From what I 'd read and heard , WSNM is a spectacular location for exploring and stargazing . During the day , the dunes are beautiful - stark white , with very little relief as far as color or texture go . There is sparse vegetation , mostly consisting of salt - loving shrubs growing in the low areas between the dunes . The occasional yucca manages to find a foothold , even on the dune tops . At night , there is very little light pollution , making for perfect stargazing conditions . Permits are issued on a first come , first served basis . You must walk in to get one . There are also days when you can 't hike or camp : the missile test range is next door , and if they are testing , there 's no hiking or camping . Call ahead . I drove down to the visitor 's center , walked in at 11 : 00 am , and had my choice of campsites . From there I drove to the trailhead parking lot , located the start of the dune - field trail , and began my hike in . So far , so good . The backcountry area is actually quite small . The trail is a 4 - mile loop , with the 10 campsites branching off of it like spokes on a wheel . Each site is situated in the bottom of a low - lying flat area , behind a sand dune . There is no camping allowed on the dunes themselves . You 'd think these low areas would be ideal locations for camping … One suggestion : if you are using a tent that requires staking out , bring tent stakes and a hammer . There are no rocks naturally occurring in the dune field and the gypsum hardpan is basically cement . Pushing in the tent stake will only result in a bruised palm and a very weak stake placement . I learned this lesson the hard way . After setting up my tent and tarp / shade , as securely as possible , I did some exploring . The Monument website recommends taking a fully charged cell phone , map , compass , and GPS . They also state that often - times GPS coverage is iffy , and your phone likely won 't work . Best to brush up on your map and compass skills . I can see how easily it would be to become lost in the dunes . The wind quickly erases your tracks , and the landscape is starkly white and barren . In bright light , the terrain appears to flatten out and you can become disoriented . The backcountry camping area has Carsonite posts marking the trail , these are set on high areas , making it easier to keep track of your location . The other areas in the monument are not as well marked , so hikers be aware . After lunch , I took advantage of my shade , listened to a lecture on Greek Mythology and napped . It 's a great place to just hang out . I didn 't have any bugs , no crowds of people , and only one military drone . There are a lot of jet fly - overs , as the monument is located adjacent to an Air Force base , but I knew this going in . The jets were nothing compared to the wind that came on around 5 : 00 pm . I 'd been checking the weather for a few days leading up to my trip , trying to average out the forecasts from NOAA , the Weather Channel , and AccuWeather . NONE of them predicted tent - flattening , tarp - flying , sand - blasting microbursts . If I 'd had some sort of hammer - like device , I might 've been okay , but without one I could not reset any of my tent stakes . I packed up my tent and tarp , and in the process discovered that my sleeping bag was full of gypsum . I packed that up too . After sitting in a ball for 30 minutes , waiting to see what happened , I came to the conclusion that setting up a stove and preparing dinner in this was not going to happen . Of course , that is when I decided that I was getting hungry . At around 5 : 30 I stood up and took a look around . A small wall of dust was building and heading my way , reminiscent of the 1930 's dust bowl photos my grandparents used to show me . Enough . I packed the rest of my stuff , put my shoes back on ( you can run around barefoot as much as you want - no cactus ) and hiked back to the car . As I was heading out , I passed several people hiking into their sites . They looked about as excited for the wind as I was . I now know how I 'll approach this when I go back . Yes , despite my failed attempt , I am going to try again . The place is just too amazing not to . First : go in early to get your campsite , then go do something else until late afternoon . Take a tent peg hammer . Don 't hike in too early - it 's hot in the sun ; there is no water , so you must carry it in ; the wind will pick up in the early evening , making it difficult to prepare dinner . You can minimize your exposure by going in later , after you 've had dinner , for example . Or , go in the Fall , when the wind isn 't such a problem . Backcountry permits cost $ 3 , the landscape is surreal , and the light reflecting off the gypsum is brilliant ! Take a good pair of sunglasses , some sunscreen , and a wide - brimmed hat . You can also buy a sled at the visitor 's center - the kids playing in the parking lot dunes seemed to enjoy them . Author SMartinCRMPosted on May 31 , 2017May 31 , 2017Categories Backpacking , Desert , National Parks , Southwest , Uncategorized , Wilderness , Women Who HikeTags Backpacking , Camping , White Sands National Monument Alleviate the Disadvantages of Fuel Canisters with this Simple Device | Gear Institute The advantages of isobutane canister stove fuel makes it extremely popular in the backcountry : clean burning , no spills , and ease of use . The major drawbacks of canister fuel revolve around the inability to transfer fuel between canisters , resulting in partially used canisters piling up , and forcing us to carry multiple partially used canisters to avoid wasting fuel . On top of that , we often end up paying more per unit of fuel , as the cost is disproportionally higher in smaller canisters . Author SMartinCRMPosted on May 30 , 2017Categories Backpacking , Lightweight Backpacking , Women Who HikeTags Backpacking , Gear The death of backpacking ? ( The death of backpacking ? ) - High Country News Great essay in The High Country News . I am not giving up . An experience I recently had in the Grand Canyon gives me hope . I took an extra layover day , at Indian Gardens , during my Tonto Tour in March . I wanted a rest day to just relax , eat , borrow a book from the little " library " there and enjoy being in the canyon . A young family was camping in the space next to me - three young kids and their parents . No iPads , iPods , Gameboys , whining , complaining , boredom . Those kids were having the time of their lives and clearly enjoyed backpacking . I hope their parents continue immersing them in wilderness - time . Those kids are our hope for the future of wild places . The adrenalized relationship with the natural world is also an experience of human conquest - the peak - bagger 's pathology . Ironically , it 's not much different from the benighted mindset of corporate accountancy : How many cliffs base - jumped ? How many extreme trails conquered ? Faster , more . And always the adrenalin payoff Casimiro perceives - not dissimilar to the monetary payoff chased by capitalists . Located on State Route 261 , the Kane Gulch Ranger Station is 4 miles south of US Hwy 95 at the upper entry point into Grand Gulch , visitors to the area need to stop by here and register with the ranger and pay the day use fee , or overnight fee if you are backpacking in the canyon . As the name implies , this is a non - developed , primitive recreation area . Access into the canyon is by foot travel , although horse / pack animal access is allowed in certain portions of the canyon . The trails in and out of the canyon can range from steep , slightly technical scrambles to long , flat sand washes with everything in between . Transportation on Cedar Mesa can be an adventure in itself . The roads leading off of State route 261 consist of unimproved dirt roads , most requiring at least an all - wheel drive vehicle . Low clearance , 2 - wheel drive cars may not get you where you want to go here . Keep in mind that the character of any one of the Cedar Mesa roads can change dramatically after one rain storm . Washouts , sandy areas and arroyo cutting are all part of the adventure . The ranger station has a good collection of books and maps for sale , focusing on the Grand Gulch / Cedar Mesa area . The rangers will also have information regarding which archaeological sites are open and accessible to the public . In addition , they have current water conditions and weather forecasts . Both are very important for anybody planning on venturing below the canyon rims . For more information on visiting archaeologically sensitive areas , check this link out . We rescued Hera , a cute Blue Heeler with not so cute issues , about 3 years ago . Last summer , I decided that I 'd like to try backpacking with her . She 's a fearful dog so , while she is obedient 90 % of the time , we always walk her on - leash . Keeping her on a leash is our choice and not up for discussion . That said , she 's very happy to carry a little backpack for day hikes . She loves hiking ! I chose a 3 - day hike to do that wouldn 't involve any technical / difficult scrambling or climbing , would have plenty of water and would be less popular with the masses - ie . , not Lake Catherine . For this adventure , I 'd take my lightweight , 2 - person tent ( not enough room for myself and the dog in the Seedhouse ) . She 's always done well in our big car - camping tent , so I didn 't forsee any problems . Other than the bigger tent , and a bearproof canister for food , my kit would pretty much be the same that I always carry . Hera would carry her little backpack , and in addition to the snacks she usually carries , she 'd have a little , lightweight bedroll , some extra kibble and her collapsible food bowl . We packed up , left details about our route and when we 'd be home and headed out . Once at the trailhead , I strapped her into her backpack , and me into mine and we started out . Ten steps from the truck a loud clap of thunder announced that weather was over the ridge , and we might have some precipitation . The trail wouldn 't take us anywhere exposed or up high , so I decided to continue on . About 1 / 4 mile in , it started to hail - little , tiny hailstones . I learned that Hera doesn 't like hail . She actually managed to slip out of her backpack at one point , and just laid down in the trail . We ducked under a large boulder and let the hail pass . Once she was back into her pack , and it had quit hailing we continued on . Lunchtime came and I chose a little meadow area , near a creek to stop and eat . She wasn 't sure about eating out in a meadow . The kibble was completely unappetizing so , I offered her a sausage snack . That was apparently adequate trail food . We kept going , passed through a fairly heavy rain squall , hiked up and out of a fog bank , and managed to make about 9 miles . She was a trooper . I chose a nice campsite , overlooking a meadow complete with a little trout stream , and some elk . I got her dried off , set up the tent , hung the bear canister and we settled in for the evening . I 'm not sure she was having much fun . From the look on her face , she was skeptical . After dinner , we took a walk down to the creek where she saw her first free - swimming fish . She was more than happy to crawl into the tent for the night . I was quite pleased with the results of her first day out , and she didn 't snore at all . The next day we packed up for a day - hike . No backpack for her ! I carried my little summit pack with our food and my water . We did a nice loop hike , exploring several large meadows and low ridge tops . I don 't think she was much impressed with the scenery , but LOVED rolling in the fresh grass - we don 't have any at home . Back to camp for our last evening . Unfortunately , the mosquitoes discovered our location and took a special interest in Hera . I sprayed my bandana with Ben 's and laid that across her while I ate dinner . It seemed to help . We slept in , and after breakfast and one last walk down to our trout stream , packed up and started hiking out . We had good weather for the return trip and made good time . There were even several bovines near the trailhead for Hera 's entertainment . She loves cows , it 's in her genes . As much as I would have enjoyed watching her scatter them , I kept her on leash . We got back to the truck , ditched our packs and headed home . I did stop at a drive - thru for a burger and fries . Hera loves drive - thrus . She knows that those people mean food , and are somehow ok . She 's never once tried to keep them at bay . After I 've settled on the perfect location to call " home , " and the tent is set up , my sleeping bag spread out to re - fluff itself , I clean up and change into my " clean " camp clothes . If there is ample water this entails a sponge bath with a bio - degradable soap - currently , I 'm a big fan of the Sea to Summit Wilderness Wash , Pocket Soaps . They are little , dry leaves of soap that come in a tiny , super light plastic case . They take up no space , are nice to your skin and are biodegradable . One or two leaves to a half liter of water , and my 8 ″ x 10 ″ microfiber towel / cloth and I am clean ! After a sweaty , dusty trail day I like to wash up , as much as possible . It helps prevent pack sores , chafing , rash , etc . , and keeps your sleeping bag clean . If I 'm in a dry camp and don 't want to use the extra water , I carry a few fragrance - free baby wipes , preferably with aloe . These will get the sweat and most of the dirt off until I arrive at another campsite with water . Usually , I try to plan out ahead of time , if my campsites will be dry , or not and try to pack just enough wipes . They are pre - moistened , so weigh a little more than the soap leaves . Once I 'm all nice and clean , I put on silk weight base layers , clean / dry socks and whatever insulation the weather calls for . None of this is particularly heavy and really does feel good at the end of the day . It 's worth the extra few ounces , to me . Collecting and filtering water is usually next on my list of camp chores . I carry a large 6 - liter container to collect the unfiltered , " Icky " water . I 'll then carry this back to camp , where I can sit comfortable and filter to my heart 's content . Last summer I switched filtration systems . I 've used an old Pur Hiker set - up for years . It works , but it 's heavy and slow and I have to sit there and pump the handle , and if the filter gets any sediment build - up in it , this can be a slow process . My new , Katadyn Gravity Camp system requires no pumping , weighs about 10 oz ( they say 12 , but I get only 10 on the scale ) and filters water fast ! Fill it , hang it , open the hose clamp ( it works like a giant IV bottle ) and in a few minutes , you have 6 liters of clean water . The cartridges are back - flushable and compact . I rigged up a cheesecloth pre - filter for mine , and was able to filter Colorado River water for 5 days - it was running very red / brown when I was there - with no problems . After cleaning up and changing clothes , and securing a supply of drinking water , I usually settle into my evening routine of setting up the kitchen and getting dinner ready . After a " happy hour " of some sort of electrolyte drink ( sometimes mixed with a shot of something fun ) and a handful of salty , snack mix , I choose a " dinner ball " from my food bag . Some of my favorites include Mountain House 's Biscuits and Gravy , Lasagna and / or Spaghetti . I 'll add a packet of Tobasco sauce or some grated parmesan cheese " product " for extra flavor . I also carry small ( sub - film canister ) containers of salt and pepper , as well . That 's it for my pantry … The meal prep is pretty simple : Open the dinner ball , place it in the insulator / stove cover I made out of reflective double insulation , pour in the appropriate amount of boiling water , re - tie the plastic bag and wait 10 minutes . The insulator works to keep the food hot , and when not serving that purpose , covers / protects my JetBoil stove when it 's in my pack . It weighs less than 2 ounces and cost about 50 cents to make . After dinner , doing the dishes entails crumpling up the empty plastic bag / dinner ball , wiping any food residue off my spoon with an alcohol swab and letting things dry . I 've taken to " washing " dishes with alcohol wipes , as they are very small / light , the alcohol evaporates and leaves no flavor , you waste zero water . In the desert , that is everything . After packing away the kitchen , rehanging the food bag and making sure I 've left no micro trash out , I drop the back of my chair a bit and relax . I have a Big Agnes Cyclone chair that I 've been using for several years , now . I know , chairs are just a luxury item , and you don 't need one . No , I need it . There is nothing like being able to stretch my legs out and lean back after hiking all day . It weighs less than 6 ounces , works with any 20 - inch pad and is quite comfortable considering how simple it is . Depending on h0w many miles the day covered , I 'll stay up and star - gaze . Or , crawl into my nest . I may listen to some of whatever audio book I 've got on my iPod Nano , or take in the local sounds - river , frogs , creek , trees / wind . Sleep isn 't too far behind . As I said before , I sleep in a tent . Once upon a time , a well - known archaeologist , on a rock - art documentation trip , woke everyone up at 3 am . She was screaming in pain , all tucked into her sleeping bag , on her groundsheet , after a night spent sleeping under the stars . What happened ? An inch - long scorpion decided to investigate the interior of her sleeping bag , and when the archaeologist rudely rolled onto it , it stung her on the shoulder . This story disturbs me . I don 't want it happening to me . I sleep in a tent . Yes , I know : tents are heavy , bulky , unnecessary , obscure your view of the night sky , etc . They also offer privacy in crowded camping areas , shelter in foul weather and , most importantly ( to me ) keep uninvited creatures from visiting in the middle of the night . Since weight is something I try to minimize I searched around and settled on a very comfortable , stable and lightweight , single person tent - the Seedhouse 1 SL by Big Agnes . If I leave the included tent pegs at home , it weighs in at around 2 pounds . I cut my own footprint out of a piece of Tyvek 1443 R - it 's a soft , pliable form of Tyvek used to make kites and painters coveralls . It is sewable , water - resistant and extremely lightweight . I 've also sewn a basic bivy sack out of it , and it works quite well . But , I digress . Once my little tent is set up , my 800 fill , 20 degree sleeping bag , made by the now - defunct GoLite company , goes in . I love this sleeping bag , it 's warm and fluffy and weighs under 2 pounds . This rests comfortably atop a Klymit Ozone pad , with a built - in , and comfortable , pillow . The Ozone is a couple of ounces heavier than the , now very popular , Neo sleeping pads . It 's also 100x quieter ! I 've learned that the slightest motion on a Neo initiates a crinkling / crunching / crackling noise , reminiscent of the failed " SunChips " bags that made so much noise . There is something about the sound of a crinkling potato chip bag , in the middle of the night , that sets my teeth on edge , like fingernails on a chalkboard . And that 's just if there is one nearby , forget my trying to sleep on one . Fifteen years ago , I was fine sleeping on a Z - Rest pad . Super light , high R - value ( thermal resistance ) , and it folded neatly on itself . As my joints aged , I progressed to a ProLite self - inflating . It was better , but not much . To that , I added a closed - cell pad underneath . Still , not quite right . I have finally settled on the Klymit . So far , so good . Sleep is important to me . I admire those that can just throw down a tarp and their sleeping bag and go into a coma for 10 hours . I just can 't do it anymore . Simply put , I need a cushioning layer between me and the ground . Once I 've selected the proper , level , clear site for my nest , I 'll move on to choosing locations for the " kitchen " and " living room . " This includes appropriate places to hang / store my food , a stable base to set my stove on , and nice place for my chair . A place to call home … Author SMartinCRMPosted on April 5 , 2017April 6 , 2017Categories Backpacking , Lightweight Backpacking , Wilderness , Women Who HikeTags Backpacking , Big Agnes , Gear , Hiking , Klymit , Wilderness , Women Who Hike Packing Light : Getting the weight down without going to extremes . I don 't enjoy carrying a heavy pack . And , while I 'm not a zealot or fanatic , I do try to reduce the weight and volume of the gear that I carry on multiday backpacking trips . If you 're looking for extreme ultralight , minimalist tips / suggestions this isn 't where to find them . I 'm the Ultralight ( UL ) backpacking version of Rudolph : I 'd be banned from the " UL Club , " not invited to join in the UL Games . My backpack has a well - padded hip - belt and stays . I actually carry a ( gasp ) TENT ! I use an isobutane canister stove ( gasp , again ) . I carry and sit in a chair ( Heathen ! ) . I don 't cook / drink / eat out of the same cup . I refuse to rely on leaves when compact rolls of TP are easy to make and carry . I reduce weight and increase efficiency whenever I can , but I do like to be comfortable . You know , I like to enjoy the experience . Even with all of these , what some would decry as unnecessary luxuries , I manage to carry a sub - 30 lb pack on multi - day trips ( 5 - 7 day ) , including water and food . It takes a bit of researching and trial and error , but it 's possible to build a lightweight , but very comfortable kit . Ask anyone that knows me , they 'll tell you I spend a lot of time reading up on gear - I love gear ! Show me a lightweight , functional , multipurpose toy and my attention is yours . That said , I don 't like the idea of buying / replacing / tossing a piece of gear every season , every time a new variation comes along . I 'll do my homework , compare different models , variations , manufacturers and try to decide how long the item in question will last , and will a significantly more efficient / useful model come out in a year ? Can I modify what I already have to be lighter and more usable ? Can I make my own version , better for my purposes ? Does it make sense to replace an existing , functioning piece of gear , for a " better " one ? Sometimes , yes . A perfect example of this is my new stove . For several years , I 've been using a very lightweight , titanium stove by Snowpeak - The Litemax . It comes in at under 2 oz , busts out over 11 , 000 BTU 's , and takes up hardly any space in my pack . That said , I 've always found it susceptible to the slightest breeze - you have to build elaborate windscreens to protect it - and , it takes almost 3 1 / 2 minutes to bring a pint of water to a boil . I never put much thought into this , and just accepted it . I would carry a medium ( 8oz ) canister of fuel for it , for a 7 - day trip and it would be empty , consistently , at the end of the trip . With the stove , pot , stabilizer , cup / bowl , and lid the whole kitchen weighed in at 15 ounces . Last summer , I participated in a gear - testing outing , organized by my employer . Several of us went out to test prototype tents , packs , shelters , etc . We each had our own cooking equipment , and I was able to witness a variety of stoves and set - ups . Jetboil stoves made up the majority . While those of us using traditional , open burner stoves ( my Litemax , an MSR Whisperlight , an MSR Pocket Rocket , etc ) were still waiting for our kettles to boil , the Jetboilers were already a couple minutes into actually rehydrating their meals . The system stoves were significantly faster . The other standout feature I noticed was their fuel canisters - the Jetboil devotees all had the tiny , 4 oz canisters and had fuel to spare at the end of the trip . They were significantly more fuel efficient , under 2 minutes to boil a pint of water . I decided to upgrade . I purchased a Jetboil MiniMo . The MiniMo has a regulator and valve that enables effective use in cold weather , something that other canister stoves leave you wanting , and great simmer control . On its inaugural trip , my recent 2 - week Grand Canyon trip , I got 10 . 6 quarts of water boiled with one , 4 oz canister . My old Litemax averaged 4 . 5 quarts of water boiled with the same size canister . The system weighs just under a pound , and by switching the included lid with The kitchen and " Dinner Ball " Continuing with the cooking theme : anther way I reduce weight and volume and increase efficiency in the " kitchen " is by repackaging all of my food . Friends that I camp with like to joke about my " dinner balls . " I am a freeze - dried food devotee . I find it tastes better than dehydrated , and side by side , usually holds more of its nutritional value than dehydrated . It 's easy to prepare . Most importantly , it 's lighter and more compact . I 'll repackage the meal , tossing the original , bulky packaging , using food safe oven roasting bags or crockpot liners . Just pour the dried meal into one corner of a roaster bag , twist it down into a small ball , tie it off with a twist - tie , trim off the excess and write the water measurement and boil time on the outside with a marker . If I do it right , I can get two meals bagged with one roaster liner , one in each corner . These weigh significantly less , in this form than they do as packaged by their manufacturer , and after I 've eaten , the empty bag is much smaller to carry out than the empty , heavy foil pouch . No muss , no fuss . Next , I 'll rant about my camp " furniture " requirements . It has to do with the fact that I will NOT sleep out , under the stars , on a groundsheet . Something about scorpions , spiders , mice , packrats , sudden downpours … . Woke up and got going as early as I could . My goal was Tanner Beach , and that would be a 10 . 5 - mile hike , across the most rugged terrain of my trip , so far . It would also be the hottest day of my 2 - week journey , across the appropriately named Furnace Flats section , below the Unkar Overlook . Yay me . The morning started out , as usual , a quick breakfast , pack up , hit the trail and enjoy the morning shade as long as it would last . The first mile , or so , of trail wound it 's way along the lower end of Escalante Creek ( a dry wash ) and began to ascend up on to the ridge , immediately north of the drainage just as the sun devoured the last of the shade . Perfect timing . The route is easy enough to see / follow . It is narrow and sloping in many places , so careful footwork is required . I just kept up with my " … get there when you get there . " mantra , and listened to the theme song from " The Great Escape " play itself over , and over again in my head . PLEASE ! Someone change the record ! I stopped for a quick snack on the crest of the ridge and took in the view . It never gets old , looking around in the canyon . I also found my first tick of the season , and the second tick I 've ever seen down here . I noticed it scurrying up my pant leg as I stood up to put on my pack . I gave it a good thump and sent it over the edge . Not today , my friend . Not today . From the crest of the first ridge , the trail contours around the red , shale slope and maneuvers through a steep , boulder covered section . Mercifully , it was slightly shady here , and I made decent time despite having to pick my way around the rocks . It was here , almost exactly halfway between the Tanner and New Hance Trailheads , at 11 : 30 am , that I encountered four invincible male hominids , aged 19 - 25 . They were all gingerly picking their way through the boulders when the one in the lead looked up , quite startled to see a lone hiker on the trail with a backpack . All four were dressed in light running kits - minimalist hydration bladder packs , a couple Gu pouches , running shoes / shorts / t - shirts . Their packs weren 't big enough for any kind of water filtration , extra clothing or substantial food . I just assumed they had come up from a camp at the river . The one bringing up the rear paused to catch his breath , so I said " Hey . Nice day for it . " He asked where I was headed , and I told him my itinerary for the day . I asked where they had spent the night before , and he looked confused . " Did you camp at Tanner or Cardenas ? " I asked . " No . " he replied . " We came down the Tanner this morning . " " Wow , " was all I could muster . " We 're running out the ' New something … ? ' " " The New Hance ? " " Yeah ! That one . It 's my first time here . I 'm just following my friends . " At this point I decided not to break it to him that he still had 15 miles to go , the easiest 15 miles were actually behind him , and that it would get really warm before they even got to the river , which resembled chocolate milk and was the only water source between themselves and the rim . " Well , I need to get moving so I can get a good campsite . Have a nice run . " I didn 't see any helicopters circling the next day , but they usually wait 24 hours , so … From that point , I just continued on around and out onto the ridge overlooking the Unkar area . The " hilltop ruin " is located a short way off , and is worth a visit . The views from the structure are amazing . So is the ancient finger of gravel bar it 's perched on ! The next leg of my hike was spread out below me - Furnace Flats , Cardenas Creek , and heat waves , visibly radiating up from all of it . I can 't imagine what this place would be like in July . I don 't really want to . I 'll stick to spring . The trail from the Unkar Overlook winds down to the sandy flats by Cardenas . I walked down to the river , ate lunch in the shade , by the beach and found a 1 / 2 full bottle of sunscreen ! Perfect timing , this find , as my little stash was empty and I was starting to pink - up on my shoulders . Thank you , unknown person , for the extra UV protection AND moisturizer , thank you . I checked my water supply and decided I had enough to make it to Tanner . Time to move on , it would only get hotter as the day wore on . The trail leads away from Cardenas Beach , winds through the sand dunes , past several well camouflaged prehistoric sites , and strikes out across the dark brown / black gravel covered " Furnace Flats . " The ambient temperature was around 80 that afternoon , and it felt about 20 degrees warmer . By the time I crossed out of the Cardenas Use Area and entered the Tanner area , I still had a mile or so to go , and I was sucking air out of my hydration bladder . Mercifully , the distance went by quickly and I got to Tanner between 2 : 30 and 3 : 00 without feeling too miserable . I snagged my favorite campsite , at the west end of the area , under some junipers , with a rocky beach . My first chore was collecting and filtering , and drinking water . This would be my last afternoon / evening at the river ( on this trip ) and I set up my sunshade , rinsed off in the river and enjoyed being there . By dusk , I realized I had the entire area to myself . I walked up river to the little ledges campsite on the other side of Tanner Creek , and , no one . I was the only human at the mouth of Tanner Canyon . Well , it should be a very quiet night . The day would turn out to be my last in the canyon , for this trip . My original plan called for tanking up with enough water to hike up to a dry campsite , above the Red Wall . It would mean carrying extra water weight for the day , but I would have a shorter hike today , and a really short hike the next day . I was up and out of Tanner by 8 : 05 am and had a shady hike for the first 90 minutes . At 9 : 30 the sun rose above the canyon rim and there was no ducking it . The trek across the Dox is hot , and a bit tedious - it seems to go on forever . Once you 've ascended above this , the trail steepens and you get fewer flat sections to catch your breath on . There are a few little places , here and there , to rest in patches of shade , and I took advantage whenever I could . Before I knew it , I was at the break in the Red Wall and could see my destination for the day - just up there . I topped out on the Red Wall at 12 : 30 , ate a handful of cashews and then started down the trail to my intended campsite . I 've camped up here before , and I like a particular site , between two big , cube - shaped boulders below the trail . It is situated directly below the Desert Watchtower , and if the wind is right , you can hear the tourist chatter on the tower . It was another hot afternoon , so I pitched up my poncho / tarp against the large boulder , for some shade and ate lunch and rehydrated . I was just relaxing , enjoying the shade and the nice , cool breeze when it occurred to me : " Why is there a cool breeze ? " I looked out from my tarp , just as a gust of wind whipped up a dust devil . Large , dark clouds had started building up on three sides . By this point , I had no idea what the weather forecast was . The bulletin board at Indian Garden had a 4 - day forecast posted there , but that was 7 days ago . What was blowing in , and would it impede my hike out , up the friction slabs at the top of the trail ? It was about 2 pm , so I decided to give it an hour , and see what happened . By 3 : 00 the clouds were beginning to consolidate and the wind was increasing . It was decided : Take enough water to hike out , put on the dry socks and head for the top . It would make for a long , steep day , but I wouldn 't have to navigate potentially wet slick rock slabs at the top . Besides , a beer and cheeseburger suddenly sounded pretty good . The only potential issue , aside from how tiring I knew it would be , was finding a place to stay that night . I had a campsite at Mather CG reserved for the next night and had nothing planned for an early exit . I also wanted to try and get out and to the Village by 8 : 00 - a hot shower would really be a treat , and they close at 8 : 00 . I drank a liter of water , ate the last of my chocolate and cashews , laced up my boots and started out . I got up to Stegosaurus Rocks and met a couple resting after their hike down . He said the weather forecast didn 't look bad , but the buildup and wind hadn 't been predicted . I bid them farewell and kept hiking . From that point , the hike out isn 't too terrible . There are a couple of loose , steep sections ( where have I heard that before ) and , where the trail crosses through the drainage , large sandstone steps that trail crews have constructed . After ascending the Coconino formation , you start a series of switchbacks that wind through the trees . At the bottom of the Kaibab formation , you 're in the forest and the temperatures are significantly lower that what you 've been used to . I zipped my pant legs back on and kept going . At 6 : 00 pm , 2 . 5 hours after leaving my little site below the Tower , I came to a set of stone steps that climb up , and abruptly end at the edge of the paved road leading to Lipan Point Overlook . And , with that , I was done . I walked the short distance down to my truck , found a note from my wife on the dash , and thanked the canyon gods when the engine turned over without any hesitation . I drove into the Village , and immediately found the campgrounds booked up for the night , " NO VACANCY ! " I then headed to the rim and went into the lobby of the El Tovar - the rim 's fanciest accommodation . They also have access to any available rooms at the other hotels . As it turns out , the only room available , on the South Rim , that night , was in the El Tovar and they offered me a ridiculous deal on it , despite how I looked and smelled . The receptionist was actually quite excited to hear about my trip , and when I told him how long I 'd been out , he took another $ 50 off the price of the room . Nice people , those folks at Xanterra . I took the longest hot shower I 've ever taken , well , not too long . It is the desert , after all . You don 't appreciate hot water and soap until you have been rinsing off in 50 degree , silty , chocolate water for days . It was at this point that I noticed my tan . I 'd spent time at the beach in my climbing bra , burned through my long sleeved shirt on the trail , had pinked up around my pack straps , had worn my pant legs rolled up , or zipped off , been barefoot , worn my boots with my shorts . It all made for some interesting " topo lines " on my skin . Think " pink zebra . " After my shower , I found a cheeseburger , salad , ice - cold IPA and phoned home . Usually , I find myself feeling down at the end of a backpacking trip . I put time into planning them and anticipating them , and then they 're done and behind me and I feel somehow disappointed , for lack of a better word . I haven 't experienced that this time , yet . I put more planning and effort into this trip , than usual . It 's the longest solo hike I 've ever done , the longest number of days I 've put in on a backpacking trip - period . I wasn 't afraid at any time , leading up to or during , that I wouldn 't be able to do it . My only real concern was how I 'd do being along with my head for ten days . I 've never done that before . Prior to the trip , that sounded like a lot . Looking back , it wasn 't much . I was in shape for it . I had prepared materially for it . The only equipment failure I had was a blown tent zipper ( no biggie ) . I had worried about what it would feel like when I would catch site of the Tanner Trailhead , my endpoint . Would it be sad , would I feel disappointed that it was over ? As the signboard at the top of the Tanner came into view , I didn 't experience any of that . I understood there , that I had taken this on for my own reason , to do the thing . Not how many miles I would cover in total , how fast I would do it , how " burly " it would be , what would my time be when I set my trekking pole tips at the trails ' end ? My goal / reward / project was to go through the experience of the whole thing . That was it . All along , I 'd been telling myself that I would get there when I get there . Well , I was here . Getting here was just part of the package . I had been rewarding myself the entire way , by just " doing the thing , " by just getting to know myself in this remote , rugged , potentially lethal , spectacularly beautiful place . It 's wasn 't the PCT , AT , or someone else 's " epic " journey . It was my journey , that I planned and executed and thoroughly enjoyed from start to finish . I think I 'll be able to ride the high for awhile , then I 'll head out on the next one . The hike from Hance Creek down to the river , and Hance Rapid ( the mouth of Red Canyon ) is about 6 . 5 miles . Heading - out Hance Creek is pretty easy , not too steep or loose . I left my campsite at Hance Creek around 7 : 30 , and had good hiking weather - not hot , nice breeze , etc . Even in mid - March , as you drop lower into the canyon it can feel hot . The reflected heat always feels about 15 - 20 degrees warmer than the ambient temperature . The hike down to Hance Rapid is also dry . Along the way , you hike through Mineral Canyon , a very interesting section of the Tonto . You pass through layers of petrified water ripples - shallow lake or sea shore deposits . These sit directly atop a huge , cemented cobble bed , resembling a frozen river bottom . It 's pretty cool . After you leave Mineral Canyon behind , you arrive at the top of a sloping rock garden . The trail winds it 's way through the large boulders , often marked by cairns . There are a lot of good places to duck into the shade here if you 're overheating . You can see Hance Rapid , and you can hear it ! About 45 minutes or so , the trail unceremoniously dumps you out at the edge of the beach , and when you pass between the two cairns , you 've come to the end of the Tonto Trail . You 're now on the Escalante Route , that will carry you east to the Tanner Trail . The trail goes along the beach for a short distance , past a couple of larger boaters campsites and then ascends up slightly , into the sand dunes . This little bit doesn 't make for pleasant hiking , with a pack on , but the dunes are quite scenic and , when I went through , covered with Sand Verbena flowers . My destination for this afternoon was a campsite , by the river , at the top of Hance Rapid . There is a very nice site situated under a small grove of large mesquite trees , and I usually stay there . It is really set up for multiple tents / people , so I opted for a small , single site in the willows below . The big site is for sharing with friends and , again , I didn 't want to take up more room than I needed , in case a larger group showed up . As it was , I didn 't see another human soul all day or that evening . I had the entire area to myself ! I took advantage of the shallow , sandy bottomed river by my campsite and cleaned up , rinsed clothes and just relaxed and enjoyed the roar - Hance Rapid is a loud one . After a light dinner of Mountain House Lasagna ( one of my favorites ) and some chocolate , I crawled into my tent and fell asleep to the roar and vibration of the rapid . I wanted to get an early start tomorrow , and would be looking out for my friends that had put in on a raft trip , seven days prior . I knew they 'd be floating through this section ( 15 - 20 miles ) and hoped to at least catch a glimpse of them . I know , total long shot … I also had the infamous " Papago Slide " to deal with in the morning , and wanted to put it behind me before it started to warm up . Papago was waiting for me . I woke up early , even though I knew I only had around four miles to hike , today . My plan was to hike up to the mouth of Escalante Creek , and if the beach was dry and available , camp there . First , I had to maneuver up the Papago - a 20 - minute crawl up a large , cone - shaped talus slope . The trail ascends this thing because the river cuts it off at the cliff edge below . It 's about a 45 degree slope , completely covered with assorted rubble / boulders / rocks in various stages of " stability " or , instability depending on where you put your feet . The trick is to keep an eye out for the " trail " ( the obvious route previous hikers have taken ) , check the slabs you 're going to step on and make sure they 're solid , and move quickly . If you 're going up , I find the right side to be preferable . About half - way up , small stones began tumbling down past me , and I looked up to see a family of " Bumblies " trying to descend , in mass , down the upper left side . I asked them to please wait until I was up and clear of them , and they seemed quite surprised to see me . I 'm not actually sure how they got to where they were , but when I suggested going down one at a time , and following the cairns , they agreed that it sounded like a good idea . At the top , I stopped to take a photo and yelled " Hi ! " to a kayaker floating past , below . He told me there was a large group of boaters camped about 1 / 4 mile up - river , and I might find my friends there . I 'd been really lucky on my trip , so far . Maybe it would be Kat and Joe ! After you get through the " Slide " you have to down - climb the Papago Ledges . It 's a short , easy , class V section of slabby ledges . A section of rope or cord comes in handy here for lowering packs . Being solo , I chose to use caution and lowered my pack down all three short , down - climbs . Reshouldering the beast , I hit the edge of the beach and walked over to the rafter 's camp . They were just finishing rigging their rafts for the day when I caught sight of my friend Joe - I 'd know those striped boardie shorts anywhere . I casually strolled up to him ( he didn 't know I was in the canyon ) and smiled . He looked a bit shocked , let out a few endearing expletives and gave me , and my pack , a giant bear - hug . " What the # $ & * are you doing down here ? ! ? " After recovering , he told me where Kat was , and I went over and startled her . She knew I would be in the canyon but , like I had also assumed , didn 't think we would actually intersect on our trips . It was really fun running into them . Just like I was , they were having a fantastic trip ! After catching up for a few minutes , it was time for them to get going , and I needed to start my hike up as well . Kat gave me a much battered can of beer , that I would " put in the fridge " once I made camp . I waved them all on their way , and started out , on my way . Hiking up , into the mouth of 75 Mile Canyon is one of the best sections of trail , anyplace . It 's a gravel wash that leads into a very lovely slot canyon . You wind your way along the bottom to where the slot canyon ends at a pour - off / bowl . An easy scramble up and you 're back on the main trail again . The entry into the slot reminds me of the Paths of the Dead in The Lord of The Rings - " The way is shut . " A quick hike around from the top of the slot canyon , and you descend down to the river along a route of mixed dirt path and stone ledges . Here , I found the beach I was hoping would be dry and empty , dry and empty . It was all mine . I set up my camp at one end of it , put my beer in " the fridge " and enjoyed a long afternoon at the beach : wading , drawing , filtering water , snacking and relaxing . There was a breeze blowing that evening , so after dinner ( Chili - Mac washed down with a cold beer ) and cleaning up , I put the fly on the tent . It helps keep sand dunes from forming inside . Tomorrow would be a long , hot , mostly dry day with a lot of narrow , up - hill trail to cover .

Today they got a letter about searching for a new au - pair or extending with me . I know they want to extend . They say I 'm the best au - pair they ever had . They have had 4 au - pairs before . They are just waiting for me , giving me time . I know the ball is all mine . The thing is that everytime I start to think about the situation my tummy starts to hurt and I feel like crying . One thing I know for sure is that I want to work another year as an au - pair . But I 'm not sure I want to stay here . My family is great and my girl with special needs loves me so much ! I have a great room , great car that I can use when ever I want . No curfew . Great counsellor , Great food situation ( buy my own and give the family the receipt ) . Not many families would do that and be so okay with me experimenting in the kitchen . ( I love to cook ) . The only thing is the area where my host family lives . I hate it . I can 't get anywhere without a car , and there is no fun places to go . I live near nyc but that city is too big for me . My two friends are leaving and there are not so many au - pairs here . I don 't know if I should tell my host mum about my thoughts . Once I tell her I would feel weird if I changed my mind and decided to stay with them . Like they were a second choice or something . But I also feel bad not telling them . And If I said I want to extend , but not with their family , I know they will get hurt . This has been on my mind several month now . But now time is running out and I know they want an answere . . soon . Welcome to Au Pair Mom ! Please be sure to check out the " Welcome " tab to see how to navigate through all the goodies here . Use the two search boxes to find posts on specific topics , and Sign Up to get posts by email . Join in the conversation ! Tagged as : I think it is really a choice between two good things . Choosing to extend can deepen the bond with the host family and bring greater comfort in exploring areas around you - like NYC - what is intimidating in au pair year 1 is often not in au pair year 2 , and it often depends on the friends you make . Rematching with a second family can give you a new experience in another part of the country . If it really is the worst host family ever then you can rematch . I don 't think the decision is one that should stress you so much , realize that you have only good options here . If your host family did not want you to extend you would only be able to choose between going home and finding a new family . You are lucky enough to have a hf that you like that wants to keep you - so you have more happy choices . Our au pairs have struggled with the go home / extend decision , because of friends leaving , etc . All of them were happy with new friends found in their second year . None of them rematched in another part of the country - but all of them had the chance to travel with us to different parts of the US during their first year . The worst stress struggle was actually for our current au pair who has decided to stay in the US and get an F - 1 visa and study in the US . I think the more choices you have causes more stress in making the decision - it seems strange that when other au pairs need to go home at the end of their stay ( or stay illegally ) and you have a choice to stay legally , that this good choice caused incredible stress . If you came to the US because you want to see the country and feel you won 't see enough of it in your current host family , and don 't have the ability to travel yourself on the weekends , then go ahead and rematch with another family for your second year . Your host family will be disappointed but they will find another au pair and will be ok . If you came because you want to improve your English and form a tight bond with a host family , stay where you are , and use your second year to explore new frieAnnaAuPair I agree with Anna - this decision is * yours * and you should not make it out of guilt . I imagine this is especially hard for you because you know that finding someone who can handle a special needs child is especially hard for the host parents . I also agree that you should really evaluate your goals for the next year . Not necessarily evaluating them vs what you thought at first , before you arrived , because you have grown a lot since then and in some ways you are probably not " the same person you were " when you decided to come to the States on your big adventure . I sit down with paper at times like these . Write a list of what you want to experience before you go home at the end of Year 2 . And then put a weight these things , from 1 to 5 , and see if the numbers tell you anything or make things more clear . For me , sometimes just the process of being analytical helps the answer emerge when you are deciding among things that are not easy to measure , or are very emotional ( like this situation ! ) . These are the hardest choices - when they are all pretty good options , but nothing is a clear " home run " . There is no ' perfect ' to be found in life , and no do - overs , which is hard . Get used to that ! : - ) We all have to grapple with our " roads not taken " . You are right that it will be hard to tell your host parents what you are thinking , but this is indeed one of those time when you really do have to do the right thing even though it might be the harder thing to do . You don 't want to be packing your bags to go home at the end of Year 2 and have big regrets . That would feel terrible . Your hosts are adults ; they will be able to handle the disappointment if you decide to go , and you really are not responsible for their emotions . Being in a place where there is nothing to do and you end up driving all the time does suck . Not living near a lot of other au pairs is a totally different experience than the world our au pairs have known , so it 's hard for me to shed any light on that part of it , sorry . It probably does make it harder for you to leave , though , because you know your hosts will have a hard time recruiting a special needs AP to their area . Having an honest talk with them right now , even if it 's just to say " I know you are waiting for me to decide , and this is the hardest decision of my life ! Here 's what I 'm thinking about … . " might help you figure out your answer , and might even offer them an opportunity to do things differently that would improve your life even more if you stayed . That you are " the best they have ever had " must make this even harder ! ( Only one thing I disagree with : I don 't think you will have a hard time finding another family . Great APs are still hard to find , and you wouldn 't HAVE to go with a family with special needs kids unless you wanted to . That would be a totally different AP experience . ) I think your host family will support whatever decision you make . We had an au pair who wanted to try a different family after the first year with us . My initial reaction was to be hurt , but I was glad to know sooner rather than later so I could start matching with a new au pair . Our au pair wrote up a very nice letter saying how it was such a difficult decision and she liked being with us and being a part of our family but that she wanted to try living in a different part of the country . Good Luck ! ! ! A lot of APs find that they live in areas that are not walkable to do things . In fact , in the US , with the exception of some very large cities ( NYC , DC , SF ) most places in the US require a car on an almost daily basis . If you live close enough to drive to NY , I find it hard to believe that you can 't find things to do . The whole area surrounding is one contiguous suburb / city with malls , restaurants and movie theatres . In addition , if you live in the city , you likely won 't have a car to use ( our AP didn 't when we lived in DC - too dangerous traffic , too expensive to insure and no excuse for not using buses / metro ) Our last AP was in your situation and decided to find a new family . We started looking after she told us ( we weren 't mad , we just needed to know ASAP ) and found someone almost immediately . She had a hard time finding a family ( only wanted to be around DC ) and I eventually had to intervene to help . She is now WHERE she wanted to be , but she is a worker in her new home . She packs a lunch , drives her HC and makes sure he doesn 't watch tv after school . There are no family dinners , no one asks her about her life or her friends and no one hugs her and tells her she is loved . I don 't think she is as happy with her choice as she thought she 'd be . Thank you so much ! I agree , nothing is perfect and maybe I shouldn 't try to look for it … I live 1 , 5h with train from nyc but thats the mayor city nearby . So I guess I do have things to do , but I 'm having a hard time finding someone to do it with . I would rather not want to do it by myself so therefore it feels like I have nothing to do . Latelty I have found two good friends . . unfortunatly they are leaving and knowing how much trouble I had finding them I 'm scared I 'm going to be lonely ( something thats never been an issue for me back home so I don 't know why I 'm having a hard time klicking with people here ) My response was . " in a normal worksituation you go to work and then you come home and have your " life " . Here I don 't have my " life " I just have the family and being with the kids . Is that a life ? I think I came here wanting a change , and yes I did think about being a part of a family . But how much . . should I stay another year with this family get even tighter just so it would be harder to leave . . I am going to leave eventually . So i have 1 more year I can spend in the US . What do I want . I want a new challenge . Like I felt when I left home . I want something new . But still ! I don 't want to be replaced . I can 't handle the fact that If I go somewhere else a new au - pair will come here and live with my family , in my room . . and I would miss out on the progress the girl are doing and everything thats going on . and like HRHM said . Your au - pair had problems getting a new family while you already found your new " perfect " au - pair . A situation like that . Not finding a family that you want , always comparing to the old one and then maybe starting to " change " your mind and wanting to stay - and its to late . Horrible ! And the hard part is also that you have to make the decision so early . My year is not done until almost 4 month . Maybe things will be differend then . . But I can 't know that now . . We , too , live 1 . 5 away from NYC , and I have found with a little self exploring you may be able to find more social opportunities than you know . If this is your main concern , I understand how important a social life is to a young woman . However , if you enjoy your work and the current host family , you may find yourself unable to compare things with the next family , if that is what you choose . Als , o , you never know , you may find au pairs in your area that are with different agencies . A couple of our au pairs met others with a different agency at the park , or starbucks and formed friendships that way . Another thing that you can consider is signing up for a gym , or a continuing ed class such as volleyball . , etc at night so you can meet other young people . If this is your main concern , perhaps you can ask your LCC to see if she is friendly with any other LCC 's from other agencies about other au pairs . Also , you never know what au pairs may arrive in the next year . Good luck in your decision . Life is all about the choices we make ! As I can see it now you like you host family you don 't like the social situation because you don 't have friends to do it with . I just feel making friends and getting to know people that is easily doable finding a good family is a gamble . Our first au pair his dream was always California and he was close to extending with us but didn 't want to give up his dream . We supported him wished him well and kept in close contact with him . Guess what we both went into transition at the same time . He would have came back to us but he had met a girl and didn 't want to leave her . In the end it worked out well for us we got a great au pair who stayed with us for two years and now he and the girl are living together in Germany . Things happen for a reason . You host family seems really accomdating in the little things and trust me it 's the little things that matter they add up good or bad . Go out there try to make friends there are tons of au pairs on facebook on blogs . There are ones from New York City from PA who you can meet up with . As we get older its hard to make new friends and than top it of with being in a different country doesn 't help either . Good luck with your choice and keep us updated . It 's not an easy one but I can tell you my au pair we have had for two years he is like a true family member for us . He decided to stay and live nearby and now he is " Uncle Carlos " feel blessed to have him in my life . My only word of caution is that it seems , anecdotally at least , that the families have the upper hand now because of the economy ( lots of layoffs , not as great a need for AP 's ) so I don 't think you will have as many choices and as much control over a rematch as you may think . my AP has a new friend in the area who left Texas after one year to extend near NYC and she ended up with only one family option and there are a lot of things about the new family she dislikes : Stay at home mom , three kids , three dogs , etc . The previous family treated her really , really well and she is sad . If you think you will have a lot of control over where you land next then you should go for it but you could end up in a tough situation . I suggest you choose between staying on with this family or not extending . One great idea given above is to make a list of the things you want to do and or accomplish in the second year . Maybe a different kind of class or area of study would be on that list . Maybe you could make a list of specific places to travel that you did not cover in your first year . Don 't overlook travel within the US . More people are doing that now , too . I think the selection / rematch process is grueling for both families and aupairs . Since this is a lovely situation , why subject yourself to the uncertainty of rematching with another family rather than extending with this one . But even if this is good can I stay forever ? I have to move on eventually . Make new experiences . Au - pair in a new family in a new place , with new kids and different tasks . Wouldn 't that " give " me more ? They got the letter 5 days ago . . I got it 4 days ago . We havn 't said anything about it . Should I or should they bring it up ? I strongly recommend keeping your communications open with your HF . This is a big moment for you , and the HF , to treat you like an adult . I speak from experience , as we just had our au pair decide to extend with us ( yay ! ) - but I know she was very torn about whether to stay with us or try a new family . One of her priorities was / is to learn English well , so we talked a bit about how in my view ( biased , I know ! ) - she would be able to continue to focus on practicing her English without the stress of a new family , community , etc . if she stayed with us . The hardest part is - especially since your family has had au pairs previously - they know you need to consider all of your options , and they are probably wondering what any concerns are that you have , and if there is anything they can help address . Now - where they live probably can 't be changed much . We are fortunate to live in a remarkably nice area . BUT - we did inquire with our au pair what she might need , to see if we could help anything - and help her want to stay with us more . If she had chosen to move on to another family , I would have been disappointed of course - but also supportive . I know it 's incredibly scary for you to think about starting over , and being " replaced " ( although you will always be YOU in their hearts , I promise ) . Take care of yourself - think about what is most important for your 2nd year , and if there is any way your HF can help . If there isn 't , and you need to choose to make the move - I will share one of my favorite sayings with you - " Leap - and the net will appear . " In other words - go for it ! You will embark on your next great adventure , with a great 1st year experience and a wonderful HF with whom you can keep communicating in the future . Also is there something you really want like an extra week of vacation a special trip . We let our au pair go to Vegas and paid for the trip . It was so worth the 350 dollars to me . If you like being an au pair , if you like to be an au pair for another year , if you feel comfortable with your host family , if you love your children … THEN I WOULD STAY ! ! ! Is it really only the area or because you are afraid of feeling isolated that makes you think of re - matching ? Even the busiest area will not appear enjoyable if you do not feel comfortable with the host family ! I was an au pair in Florida , directly on the Gulf Coast , and , believe me , I saw several au pairs come and go because they did not like their host families , palm trees and beach could not make them stay - and it shouldn 't have ! And if you are changing host families , then you also have to find new friends . I think it is too easy to always see " the greener grass on the other side of the fence " and forget to appreciate what is good in one 's life and one 's privileges ( and it sounds you have a lot ) ! I still regret that I did not extend with my host family , I went back home , but I should have stayed . They were not ' perfect ' but neither was I , I mean , WHO is ? ! But they were the best family for me . I would make sure that your host family really wants you to stay and then I would stay ! Well maybe its not just the area . In the beginning I liked the fact that I had a stay at home mum . and I do sometimes now as well . Its very flexible . But Its also very hard sometimes . She is always around , She does the fun things with the kids and I do the rest . If the kids want something they run to her . . not me . I think I would like to try the solocharge life because the times when the mum is away I don 't feel as much pressure . I love my hostmum don 't take me wrong . But it is always easier when you are alone with the kids . So being an au - pair in a family with both parents at work and me in solocharge . I think that would give me a whole new experience . I think you should talk to your hostmom about this if you decide to stay . I 'm also a work at home mom and when my au pair is on duty , she 's the boss . I stay out of it , my kids know I 'm in the office and I 'm working and they should not come and ask me , they ask their au pair . If I happen to be around and he 's asking them to do something , I will only reinforce it , I will never get between her and the kids . Your reasons for rematching sound less realistic to me now . If host mom is hovering , have a talk with her about it and see if you can work something to make you more comfortable . I 've been a work at home and a work outside the house mom and I really think the au pair job is much easier with a work at home or stay at home mom . Unless you are only taking care of a baby or a kid in school so you have time to yourself during naps or school time , being with active children needing constant attention for 9 hours straight with no one to watch them if you need to use the bathroom or take a short phone call is a really hard thing . I know the pressure can be less without another adult around , but the work is actually much , much harder . If you are thinking of rematching because you think it will be easier to work in a house with a work outside mom , you might regret it when you find that your hours are longer and not flexible at all , with sudden unexpected demands on your time , and no one to help out if you get a stomach virus in the middle of the day . I disagree with you Angie . I was an aupair twice , once with a work at home mom and once with a word outside the house mom and I foud it much harder to work when the mom was at home . In England ( with the work at home mom ) , the children juste kept wanting to go and see their mom which wasnt nice at all . Whereas when I aupaired in germany , I had much more authority over the children since they knew that nobody else was in the house and that I was the boss . But it does also depend a lot on how the mom behaves when she 's working at home : the mom in England , when the children were crying or anything like that , she would come downstairs and ask what happens and if I did put the children in a time off ( on the naughty step or so ) , she told me I was too strict … . It 's much harder to supervise someone else 's kids when they are in the vicinity . You feel watched . You know you aren 't the ultimate authority . I have been host mom who works from home and host mom who works out of the office . I taught my kids - even when 2 - 3 years old - that " Mom 's working , go ask Au Pair . She 's in charge right now . " And closed the door to my office . It takes that kind of clear boundary setting to make that situation work for everyone . The kids actually respond to it well , too . They don 't like ambiguity any more than anyone else . Is she joining you for lunch , too ? If your current host mom isn 't doing something similar , I can see where it would be hard . You would always feel ancillary , not in charge . ( Geez , come to think of it , I hate it if my boss tags along to meetings about my projects , too ! Same dynamic . Rather than feeling supported , it can make you feel more anxious about being second - guessed or havnig your authority undermined subtly . It depends on how good your boss is at handling the situation . ) I guess my view is different because my kids don 't come to my office when I 'm working , but my au pair can ( and does ) call up when she wants help with something . Maybe I 'm deluding myself . Wouldn 't be the first time ! 2 . New location - America is such a big and diverse country . The landscape could be very different that what you live in now , and the people to . ( Suburban Arizona would be a whole different experience than Suburban Connecticut , for example - even if you were staying with the same family ) . 3 . New family - Most families are good and want to have a good Au Pair year . You would get a chance to be more in charge of the kids if you didn 't have a SAHM ( for better or worse ) and you might get to work with totally different kids . One special needs child has its own joys and challenges - two rambunctious preschoolers would be totally different . You can love your family that you are with now and still decide to go onto another family . When I asked my last AP to extend , I was very open about giving her a good recommendation if she chose to extend in a different location - you have your whole life to stay in an " okay " job for year after year . ( She chose to go home ) . As we say : Nothing ventured , nothing gained . I always find it difficult to focus on the long - term if too many immediate things around me are changing . I don 't know what your previous education / work experience are , not your academic or professional goals when you return to your country , but now that you are in a stable HF situation , perhaps this 2nd year you can focus on activities , reading , or classes ( even if not for AP credit , there are many inexpensive online classes ) that will help you long - term when you return home . Volunteering in a certain type of organization in your free time , for example . Online accounting or business English courses . Writing essays for further study etc . And in terms of young people to meet , American church youth groups and English classes or book groups at local libraries are good options . You are in a rare situation , where you don 't have the worries of most single working people ( paying for housing , food , etc . ) that you will have when you return home , nor the responsibility of raising a family . You can either just have lots of good fun and enjoy your youth or also enjoy this precious free time to invest in your self - development and future marketability . Also intentionally list new experiences that would be hard for you to get at home or challenging and " force yourself " to go into a zone that is not so comfortable for yourself . Good luck ! We had a fantastic AP with whom we pleaded to stay , but she was determined to spend only one year in the US . While it made us sad , we were never angry at her . We remain on great terms with her . Our current AP has never really integrated into our family and so we 've chosen not to extend with her . It 's a hard conversation to have , but we did it face - to - face . If and when you 're ready , look your HP in the eyes and tell them how much you 've loved being part of their family , how important they are to you , but how you want to try a new area of the country and experience other things and have new challenges before you return home . Tell them how much soul - searching you had to do to make your decision . And then look them in the eyes and ask them to support you in your decision . Tell them that you would be happy to speak or email with any AP candidates they will be interviewing to tell them what a great family they are . They might be hurt , but they will get over it . I will add one thing . As an AP you deal in loss much more than most young adults - you leave your country and come hear . You form strong bonds with other APs , hopefully with your HF , with new friends you make . People come and go . Unless you 've moved around a lot as a child , you 've not experienced this change and loss before . As an adult , you will form close relationships , but it takes more work than in childhood , because of the fact that adults come and go . If you are a relatively shy person , then reaching out to find new friends is difficult . I always tell my APs , remember how hard it was when you first arrived and how relieved you were when someone called you to go out for a coffee . By reaching out to others , you will have the opportunity to develop new friendships . It might make your personal time in the remaining months with your current HF much more enjoyable . Taking a … - brilliant points . If you want a friend , be a friend . We have an extremely introverted AP , and I am amazed at how many friends she now has as a result of finding a church with an active ministry to young people ( and who happen to be from her country ) . But she also has AP friends with whom she must speak in English , because they are all from different countries . To " The AP " - Is there any way you would feel comfortable talking with your counselor to see what the host family pool is looking like for the time when you will be switching ? I agree , we are presented with this decision - making extremely early ! It is jarring for both hosts and APs . But people are starting to plan for Summer arrivals . I did hear from our ( new ) counselor ( because we 're leaving APIA ) that the agencies are not doing well yet , have not seen an increase in their revenues . That means there really are fewer families hosting APs than a couple years ago . ( Which I confess is puzzling , because if this is the case , why is it still hard to find great au pairs ? ! And why won 't APIA match other agencies ' fees ? [ but I digress ] ) . To me , you have a ' unique selling proposition ' as a Year 2 au pair with special needs qualifications and * experience * . After reading your responses above , I think there are a number of factors that are not great for you . You have made the best of it , but you are pretty disappointed , even while loving the kid you take care of and the family you are with . There are probably ways to address some of the issues you are having - working harder to make new friends , talking with your host mom about stepping back a bit when you are on duty . But I 'm not sure if you could improve things enough to be satisfying to you . ( And I absolutely commiserate with your not wanting to take a 1 . 5 hour train into NYC by yourself . Big cities are very cool , but feel very lonely if you are there alone ! I go through this experience on every business trip . Who wants to choose where to eat and have your meals alone ? Who wants to see fabulous art or even a movie but have no one to discuss it with ? And if you aren 't a confident navigator , forget it . ) But at bottom , I think you DO want to leave , but you ( intelligently ) recognize that it is not a risk - free option , and that 's why you posted here for advice . Some people have more tolerance for risks than others . And while I have no doubt your mom has nothing but your best interests at heart , being an AP really is not like other jobs . You aren 't talking about rematching now because you are unhappy ; you 're talking about switching families after you have fulfilled your one - year commitment . And while she may not approve of it , sometimes ( perhaps especially in the States ) people DO just leave their jobs ! And sometimes they are much happier because of it ! ; - ) Our current au pair struggled with that same decision . She did love her prior host family and the little girl she was taking care of . She ended up extending with a different family ( us ) in a different part of the country , older kids , etc . Sure , she misses the old host family , but she said we are even more perfect for her than they were ( that was nice to hear ! ! ) . I know it was very hard for her to do , but it ended up great . She was also very picky about finding a new host family and got us when we happened to be re - matching with our prior au pair . She had a great reference from her prior family and I talked to them on the phone and they couldn 't say enough good things about her . I personally prefer an extension au pair for that reason . I haven 't seen as many of them this time around , but it is helpful to have a prior family to talk with for a reference . I am a host mother , and I think you should switch to a new family . You seem like a great au pair , great at your job and great to get along with , so I think you can make yourself happy and make the relationship work well even with a less - than - perfect family . You just have to choose carefully and decide what you really need . We were in a similar situation , with a great au pair ( one of our two best , I cannot really rank within them ) , who was thinking of extending for the second year in the same area . I thought that with circumstances what they were ( our family situation changing drastically , her personal situation changing , and one weakness she does have ) , it might be difficult for her to extend with us . I shared my opinion with her and offered my support in whatever she decides , but left the decision up to her . If she decided to extend with us ( if she thought over everything and decided she was up to handling it ) , I would gladly do so . In the end she decided to extend for a second year , but with another family in the area . I have no bad feelings about it and think it was the right decision for everyone involved . Although it did make me sad when she told me about it , momentarily - but its normal , we really like each other . Every year family needs change , and the same great au pair may no longer be the same great match . And if the only reason for the match not being so great is your isolation and your continued dissatisfaction with your social life , and your thoughts of " what if " , this is reason enough . It will affect your relationship with the host family . You have to be happy and excited to be where you are . Sounds like you want to try out a new part of the country - and I say - GO FOR IT ! Explain why to your host family - and I 'm sure they will be sad , but will understand . Tell them that you would like to visit and will stay in touch with the children . ( the the host families ' biggest fear is that their children will feel abandoned ) . Every part of the country is different , and host families vary greatly , so be sure to pick the best fit for you . Do more than just talk to the host family - some host families look GREAT on paper , but once you get there , life is different . INSIST on talking to at least one for their former au pairs , and their local coordinator . You will only get a true picture of what that host family is like from talking to several people confidentially about them . I am a local coordinator , get many 2nd year au pairs in my area ( I actively place them ) because many au pairs want to come here ( San Francisco Bay Are ) . But having said that , there are all types of host families here , so I first talk to the second year au pair that wants to come here to find out what they are looking for . I always insist that they talk to another au pair about what it 's like to live here - and to talk to a former au pair of the host family . I advise the same thing to the host family ( that they talk to / grill the former host family and local coordinator of the 2nd year au pair ) - and have at least one Skype video call . I am a host mom too and I believe you should switch ! GREAT AU PAIRS are in demand : ) Keep what you want in mind and you can switch to what you want … locale wise . You may have other items that do not meet your expectations ( like car / room / even fam ) . . . but you came to USA to experience that and you will have a great many more benefits by switching and at least getting a chance to experience those other items . It is hard for host fams but afterall its your life and you should do what makes you happy , though you should clearly and kindly communicate your thoughts to your current family - this includes sincere appreication for a great family and a polite decline . My husband and I are going to be needing a new au pair in July and we found our current au pair through the in - country pool and she was an extension au pair with a great reference from her host mom . We snatched her up after having two unsuccessful matches within just six months of joining the program . She has been great . So now we really hope to get lucky again with another extension au pair with a great reference . I suspect we will not get lucky twice like that though . You should consider switching families not to improve on what you have but to have a different experience . If you leave to find something better you might be setting yourself up for disappointment . If you leave for a different experience to further your growth and exposure to different parts of the country than you will be more open to the highs and lows of the new family and location . There is no perfect situation . Reading your comments it sounds like you really do want to change , but are afraid of hurting the HF feelings . I think " taking a computer lunch " gave the best advice … look them in the eyes and talk to them . Thank them , tell them they have a been wonderful to you and that their kids are great , but that you want to experience another part of the country that may have more AP 's that you could relate with . I would understand if I were them . I also like the idea of offering to give feedback to new candidates ( and help you figure out who would be good with their kids … you know them very well by now ) . Also , ask them nicely if they would provide you with a reference to a new family … that is always helpful to get feedback from another parent . Dont ' worry too much because it is a choice between 2 good things . Good luck ! I have decided not to extend with my family . I want a new challenge and a new adventure . I havn 't yet told them though . Im just waiting for the right time . . Should I bring it up ? I guess they would ask me soon too . . They are always so busy . Now Im searching for families in London : - ) which is closer to home . . But I 'm also going to search within the US . Im excited about what kinds of families are out there . And when I find one I like I will take it . wether its In the UK or US . I 'm not going to look back . Please let me know if you have already decided on what you would like to do , we are in the process of looking for an Au Pair and had a couple that we have been e - mailing back and forth , but not so sure what we are going to do with their visa situation . Let me know if you are interested in Fort Lauderdale , FL . Thanks , I am keeping both options opend . The right family will make the decision for me . Which agency are you with ? I am with au - pair in America . My advice , is bring it up . Ask your HP if there is a time that they would be free to talk this week when the kids are in bed . You don 't want to have this conversation when the children could be listening . You should ask the HP when it is a good time to talk to the children . Little kids don 't know from four months away , while older children understand . Whenever they are told they need to know that they are not the reason you are leaving , that you are simply doing what APs do , getting on with " the rest of your life . " We decided not to extend with our current AP and our 9 - year - old figured what was up in a casual conversation with my parents . He wants to be involved in the selection process and generally asks candidates a question or two during the telephone interview . He understands that our AP will be leaving in August ( as he understands that because of the severity of his sister 's special needs it takes us a long time to match ) . If he were 4 I would not have told him until a few weeks before her departure . He would be too anxious about it ( or like an impending birthday , he might ask for weeks on end if she were leaving today ) . Kids can be so smart sometimes ! I guess I could tell the oldest here too but not the girl . She wouldn 't understand . I know it can be harder with a special needs child . But you will find your perfect one . Working with a special need child can be both lovely and giving at times and to see the progress the person are making . Just make sure you find someone that are up to putting alittle extra effort in this child but in return get lots and lots back . It sounds great but be careful , a lot of families in the UK see aupairing just as a job and you might be treated like an employee . I 'm not sayin that only from the experience I had ( I 've stayed in a HF in Windsor , near London , for 7 months ) but also from other experiences from aupair friends ! But if you find a great family , then you should definitely go for it … : ) I 'm sure you current HF will understand your choice ! I think it is the most respectable thing to do to tell them rather than wait to be asked . Arrange for a time ( after kids asleep ) to talk with them . You can and should tell them it is about next year and you want to have time to discuss . They will be disappointed , but will respect your decision if you present it properly . One request as a host parent , please continue to be committed to the family over these next few months . The " short - timers " attitude that some AP 's get the last couple months is almost as hard as the first transition period . Also , don 't be afraid to talk with the HF about the excitement ( and scariness ) of the decisions you have made . Since they do truly care about you they will be excited to see you on your new adventure and want to help you make the best decisions . Good luck " The au - pair ! " I can 't top all the great advice you got from HMs and APs on here , but I wanted to add that your experience will always be what you make of it , so wherever you end up , just make sure you invest time and effort right away into seeking out friends and that " life " you are looking for . Don 't wait for it to come to you . You probably realize now ( but not at the beginning ) how quickly the year goes by ! I have had APs who complained alot about their " available " friends because we have a small LCC group and they never made an effort to expand their options . On the flip side , some of our APs attended meetings for a few different LCC groups in the beginning of their year to expand the friend options , and those adventurous APs who put in the work in the beginning had a very busy social schedule and lots of friends the rest of the year . I would imagine that if you are within 1 . 5 hrs of NYC that there are loads of LCC groups within a half hour of you . Even with your decision not to extend there , maybe you could challenge yourself to see how many great friendships you can make in your time left there ? We need a reliable and trustworthy Au Pair if you decide not to stay with your host family , you can contact us . : ) We are located in Fort Lauderdale , FL . Let us know … I just wanted to thank you all for the great advises you gave me . It really helped alot . I just talked to the parents for ( 15min ) everybody was really uncomfortable and didn 't really know what to say . I hope they are not too dissapointed but it didnt seem like it . As a matter of fact I had made so much process with the girl that they now decided she is going to start going to preschool . And then they probably wont need anyone for 45 hours so if i wouldn 't extend they where thinking of maybe trying an educare . So we both saw these as signs that we are doing the right thing . Have a Question ? Please email your question to mom at aupairmom dot com . Check the tab at the top - - " Need some advice ? " - - for particulars . Also , search the blog thoroughly . The ' Welcome ! ' menu has details for finding earlier conversations & posts .

17 When Jesus arrived , he found that Lazarus had been in the tomb four days already . 18 ( Now Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem , Waiting is hard . As I noted the other day , I have had a diagnosis of a high percentage of Prostate Cancer . While I believe that God can heal me , I do not take the chance of it lightly and have been to the hospital to check things up by doing an ultrasound . I can picture Martha and Mary waiting for Jesus to come . They knew He could have healed there brother if Jesus had been there . But they had to wait for Him to come . What makes it worse is that He was only 2 miles away . It was not that long a trip . Even on rough terrain I am sure that two miles could be covered in a day . I am sure that the doctors could have looked at that report and told me better what was going on , but they have to wait to get it all correct . Jesus had to wait for the right time to show His miracle by raising Lazarus . Waiting is hard , but scripture does say they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength . Read for next time : Martha meets Jesus ; John 11 : 19 - 29 Visit http : / / dailydevotionbob . blogspot . com / for more tools and sign up for mailing list While I think the faith was a little displaced , I think Thomas had the right idea . He wanted to be with Jesus no matter what the cost , even if that cost meant dieing with Him . Understand this is the same Thomas who was referred to later as ' Doubting Thomas . ' And he shows his doubts here as well , not thinking through what Jesus said . But he was a man of doing something , and I have to admire him for that . In my own life I look and see all the times that I could have stood with Jesus but I decided to let them go . I am not saying that I am not forgiven about them , I am sure that I am . I am saying that I at times need a little bit of the DNA of Thomas in me . I need to be able to go when Jesus tells me it is time to go . Read for next time : Arrives near Bethany , 2 days later ; John 11 : 17 - 18 A few years ago , a pastor at my church preached a sermon on how God can change things ' on a dime . ' To illustrate this point he gave us all a praise report card with a dime taped on it . When the situation for what we were praying about finally changed , we were to turn in the card with the dime . Many praise reports came through in the next few weeks . Me , I still have my card with my dime , but I pray about it on a regular basis . Since that time , I have had many more times that I could have used a card with a dime on it as a reminder that God changes things on His time . Why God does this I do not know . Sometimes I would like to ask Him . I do know from the Old Testament incident where God did not give the promised land all at once to the people or else the wild animals would come in . Getting everything we need immediately would not be a good thing for us . But having a need drag out of several years , that is not good either , at least to me it is not . So I hold on to my card with a dime , believing God that things will change . Read for next time : Jesus prepares 12 to go to Judea ; John 11 : 7 - 16 This one is timely for me . This week I will go into the out - patient clinic at a hospital to get an ultra - sound done . I got a negative report that I have a high chance of prostate cancer based on blood tests . Wheels turn slowly with the medical insurance people so it has taken a week and a half to get this far . What will the report show ? I do not know . But I must have faith that no matter what the results , that if I have the sickness , that God 's son may be glorified in it . That is not always easy . I want the report to be clean , no sickness at all . But can I , if the report is not clean , stand up and let Jesus be glorified in it ? And how do I do that ? Do I pray and believe for total healing so that it can be shown that God still heals ? Do I live my life as an example to others and not murmur and complain about what has happened to me ? So many questions . Read for next time : Jesus delays for 2 days ; John 11 : 6 I have spent the last few years at my church involved with children 's ministry . I can tell you that is how I feel about people who kill their children 's faith . I have had kids hang on every word I say as I teach them . And I have had kids that could not care less about what I am talking about , all in the same room . Then , as the parent 's pick them up I understand why . The kids that were interested have parents that engage them in what we did , like ask questions about what they learned . The ones that sat their bored like a rock on a log , well , their parents just came in and said , ' let 's go . ' A child 's faith is the purest form of faith there is to me . Years ago , my daughter was up in the top bunk of the bed . She wanted to get down but the ladder that she got up with seemed a lot more scary to get down with . I could not quite reach her so she had to jump off the bunk to my arms . She had faith that I , her father would catch her . As I saw the kids leave , I know the ones that would jump in their parents arms and the ones who would not . As a parent , I should never hang that millstone of lack of faith on my children , not when God gave it to them in the first place . Read for next time : Lazarus of Bethany reported sick ; John 11 : 1 - 6 In my life I am going to find there are people who will reject salvation . That does not mean that I do not pray for them . I have prayed for people to be saved for years and found out that they accepted Jesus . It is just that some people are not going to have faith . And salvation takes faith . Someone coming back from the dead will not even convert them . They might think it is a trick . God wants all to be saved . Some will not . I have to learn to accept that . It hurts because I know that people that are close to me will wind up being in hell for eternity . I have to keep telling myself that , like the rich man and his brothers here , it is their choice to ignore what has been presented to them as the Gospel . They have a choice and I can not be their conscious . Read for next time : Jesus instructs disciples ; Luke 17 : 1 - 10 17 It is easier for the earth and the heavens to disappear than to drop a comma from Moses ' Teachings . 18 " Any man who divorces his wife to marry another woman is committing adultery . The man who marries a woman divorced in this way is committing adultery . Why do these verses sit next to each other in the Bible ? Did Jesus really say them in that order and that close together ? My mind thinks that they do not really belong together . But the fog lifts as I think on them for a while . He was taking a shot at the Pharisees . They had changed the simple law that Moses had give about divorce , do not do it ! They put in their own rules in place of God 's law so that they could have their own way . Likewise , in my life I try to change things to suite me . I want to take God 's law and make it in my way . God smiles and says , do not do it . But if you do do it , I have sent my son to take care of it . While I do not live under the law , the ones that I could never keep , I am obliged to live the best I can . Read for next time : The rich man and Lazarus ; Luke 16 : 19 - 31 13 " A servant cannot serve two masters . He will hate the first master and love the second , or he will be devoted to the first and despise the second . You cannot serve God and wealth . " I , in my life , cannot want two different things that are opposites . If I say I love my wife , I cannot want to have an emotional or physical relationship with another woman . It is just not that way . If I want to be able to understand God 's word clearly I can not put things like drugs or alcohol in to it . If I want to show God 's love to others I cannot let my anger come out in inappropriate ways . When I have a desire for something I have to take the time to see if it is leading me to my wants as well as the world , or if it points to that heavenly place I long for . Read for next time : Pharisees scoff . Teaching on divorce ; Luke 16 : 14 - 18 We all have things in our lives that need to be given to God . I have done it with a lot of things in my life but for this example I will use anger . I used anger to get what I wanted , and I could justify it because I had needs not being met . Substitute your vice of choice and you can say the same thing . It was only after wrecking all around me that I came to my senses . As a child of God , this is not how I should be acting . So I came to me senses and asked God to help me . And you know what happened . 20 " So he got up and went to his father . While he was still far away , his father saw him and was filled with compassion . He ran to his son , threw his arms around him , and kissed him affectionately . God met me where I was at . He did not try to change me , He let me find my way back to Him , and then He came running to help me back to Him . It is only when we can see our brokenness that we can truly see that we need help from God . Read for next time : Parable of the Unrighteous Steward ; Luke 16 : 1 - 13 Recently talked about mega - churches , now how about the other types that people do not like . Jesus was not afraid to get with the people and get their dirt on Him . The pharisees were appalled . They never understood that they could never fill all of the laws so they were always in sin of one sort or another . Jesus knew He was the way to salvation of all people . So that brings me to the churches that seem to be having the sinners hang out at their door . While these are not the churches I would care to attend , I see the need for them and welcome the fact that they are around . We all can come to find Jesus in the way best for us . He had just dined with the pharisees and tried to meet them where they were at , he can do the same for the sinners . Jesus meets me where I am and helps me from there . Read for next time : Lost Sheep , Coin , and Son ; Luke 15 : 3 - 32 Luke 14 : 34 - 35 ( Bible in Worldwide English ) 34 ' Salt is good . But if the salt has lost its taste , how can it be made salty again ? 35 It is not good for the land or the dirt pile . People throw it away . ' Everyone who has ears to hear , listen ! " To us today , this does not make a lot of sense . We have a refined processed salt . In the days when the Bible was written , the salt was not pure , often mixed in with other chemicals . The true test was how salty it tasted . If it did not have a salty taste it had lost its salty - ness . So how did it loose it . Exposure to the world is not good for salt . The humid and wetness will eventually make it loose the salty taste . As I get exposed to the world and its influences I will also loose the effect that I have on telling others about God . I must learn to stay in the Word and not in the world , or I will be useless like unsalted salt . Read for next time : Eats with Tax Collectors and Sinners ; Luke 15 : 1 - 2 I have heard a lot of people complain about mega - churches . I never heard God complain about them . In fact today 's verse shows He approved of them . If not , why did He let ' the multitude ' follow Him . Small churches are good , and so are big churches . It is not the size that matters , it is the teaching that goes on inside it . Read for next time : The Cost of Discipleship ; Luke 14 : 25 - 35 No matter what I can do , there will always be more room at the table for new believers . Jesus compels me to go out and find them , but the table will never be full enough . The problem is if I am doing the job that God has told me to do in bringing others to know Jesus . Do I tell others about Jesus ? Do I tell enough others about Him ? Or do I just sit on my ' blessed assurances ' and soak all the things that I need in ? Read for next time : Great Multitudes Travel With Jesus ; Luke 14 : 25 I have the opposite problem of what is mentioned here but God can still deal with me about it here . I often do not want to accept an offer from someone because I know that I can not return the invitation to them and I start to feel like I am a leech . But God tells us not to expect the return of the offer , that we will be blessed . So should I feel guilty because I can not return the favor to others ? Or can I ? I help other in ways that are not what would be considered entertainment . In life we are all takers in some way , shape or form . It is only when we do not give to others that problems happen . The expression comes to mind of ' paying it forward . ' While I help others I do so , and if some choose to help me , then I am receiving the reward of ' paying it forward . ' I should never try to make ourselves higher than what I am . While false humility is not good either , it is important not to put myself higher that what I should be . By putting myself as the most important person in any situation , from personal relationships to work situations , I set myself up for a fall . Falls can bring depression and embarrassment . God wants what is best for me and I need to live up to what He wants and let Him advance me . Read for next time : Parable to the Host of the Feast ; Luke 14 : 12 - 14 2 And lo ! there was , a certain man , who had the dropsy , before him . 3 And Jesus , answering , spake unto the Lawyers and Pharisees , saying - Is it allowed , on the Sabbath , to cure , or not ? But , they , held their peace . Maybe I am missing something here . Verse 3 says that " Jesus , answering them said . . . " . I am looking at verse 2 and I do not see where they asked any questions at all . Jesus knows my very heart . He sees the questions inside me and He will answer them . Of course that is assuming that I will listen to what He has to say and more importantly , do it . Read for next time : Parable of the Guests ; Luke 14 : 7 - 11 When Jesus ate with sinners , they watched Him closely . When He ate with the religious leaders , they still did . Jesus was under close watch all the time . You know something , I am to . As a Christian , I am under watch all the time . The religious people of the world will criticize me if I Twitter something too worldly and the worldly people will get upset if I post some religious stuff . If I go to a restaurant , do I have go to Chic - Fil - A cause it is Christian or is it OK for me to go to McDonald 's because I just want a hamburger ? So what am I to do ? I will do what Jesus does . I will be lead by the Spirit of God and try to do what is right . I will try not to offend anyone , but know what I choose may well do so . I cannot please all , only God and myself . God wants me to be the best me I can be . Read for next time : Man With Dropsy Healed ; Luke 14 : 2 - 6 31 At that time some Pharisees told Jesus , " Get out of here , and go somewhere else ! Herod wants to kill you . " 32 Jesus said to them , " Tell that fox that I will force demons out of people and heal people today and tomorrow . I will finish my work on the third day . As a Christian , I am urged to love all men and do good to them . On the other hand , it looks like Jesus never backed down from a fight . Jesus was warned it was time for Him to move on , that Herod wanted His death . But Jesus said , tell him I am going to do as I planned and then he can have me . When big political events happen that affect me as a Christian , which verses do I follow ? I think that it is time to pray in those situations . I am sure that God wants certain things done . In this case He wanted Jesus to go to the cross so we could have eternal life . Jesus knew what His job was . In cases where I am not clear on God wants , I may need to just let things go and love on those around me . Read for next time : In a Pharisee 's House on the Sabbath ; Luke 14 : 1 Visit http : / / dailydevotionbob . blogspot . com / for more tools and sign up for mailing list 25 When the master of the house has got up , and the door has been shut , and you , still outside , give blows on the door , saying , Lord , let us in ; he will make answer and say , I have no knowledge of where you come from . 26 Then you will say , We have taken food and drink with you , and you were teaching in our streets . 27 But he will say , Truly , I have no knowledge of you or where you come from ; go away from me , you workers of evil . There is a time and place where we can enter into the Kingdom of God . After that the door will be shut . While I want to take as many with me as I can , it will be there choice . There is only one choice to make in life that will make an eternity of difference . I can only hope to influence those around me to make the same choice . That they will go through the door with me . Read for next time : Pharisees Warn Jesus About Herod ; Luke 13 : 31 - 35 Last time I noted that you have to look back to where God met you for the first time , that child like faith that God is with you no matter what . Well , just like Jesus , once you get back to that starting point you need to progress forward . Jesus knew what the end was to be . That did not make it any more painful . I do not know what God holds for me in the future , what pains are going to be there , or what joy either . I only know that I must progress towards them . There will be both problems and joys , I know I must go through both . Like Jesus , I know in the end , the final point of the journey will not be my death , but my life eternal with Jesus . Read for next time : How Many Will Be Saved ? Luke 13 : 23 - 30 I have heard it preached from a number of pulpits . If your ministry is not where it should be ' go back to the last thing God told you to do . But what if you are not in ministry ? My personal journey of late has been dry so this spoke to me . Jesus returned to where he started . He knew what was coming and did not feel real good about it . Would you if you knew you were to die ? He had to get back to where it all started . I will need to do the same . Not go back to where I first accepted Jesus but to the mental state that I was in . That childlike faith that knew that God could cleanse me thought the blood of Jesus . It is time to go back . When I looked over the verses for today I started to skip over this one . When I first became a Christian , someone gave me a pack of verses to memorize . This was the first one I memorized . I have meditated a lot on it over the years and thought I had gotten every ounce I could out of it . There is the never perish , the cannot be taken by Satan , the God the Father to back Jesus up , what else could there be ? And then I saw it . " I give eternal life . . . " Jesus gives us eternal life . Not that He is going to give it . Now I know that I can not work for my salvation . On the other hand this tells me that I cannot loose it either . Jesus gave it to me . It is a gift that I have accepted . I could have rejected it , but once I am in His hand , no one can snatch me away . This does not give me a licence to sin . If I love Jesus I will try not to sin . I do have an assurance from Him though . Read for next time : Jesus Goes to Aenon Near Salim ; John 10 : 40 - 42 I have been in the computer field since 1979 . I remember when 10M of information had to be carried by two people . While life has been strange to me it has been good . I have 4 children and they are scattered across the globe . You can find me many place on the web , you just have to be looking for me . View my complete profile

" Therefore , judge not before the time : until the Lord come , who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts . And then shall every man have praise from God . " ( I Cor . 4 : 5 ) Miracle The child Juan Fontanillas Buj had an accident on October 1st . He slid down the hill and was taken in an ambulance in grave condition to the Hospital of San Pablo . The doctors believed that his condition was hopeless , and few had the hope he would be saved ; in addition to wounds on the body and face , he had brain failure . On the 9th , after 8 days without regaining consciousness , the renowned Dr . Durán operated on his head . The boy continued in the same state and his pulse weakened until it became the minimum before entering into a hopeless coma . On the 14th , 13 days after his collapse , and still unconscious , they put a cross that had been kissed by the Virgin during the visions of the four girls at San Sebastián de Garabandal on him . On the 15th and the 16th , Conchita prayed for the Virgin to heal this child . On the 15th , he regained consciousness and from that moment an enormous change occurred . He knew everyone , and his first impulse was to get up and go to the crucifix which was on the wall to give thanks to God for his healing and then to kiss his parents . For all that has been exposed , it could be a miracle through Divine intercession from the parish priest of San Sebastián so that we can be reunited with the promises of these visions that have been cast away ; it is because of this that we pray for the parents of this child , for the nuns that helped in the hospital and for the sick , and especially for Dr . Durán , who attests to the veracity of these facts with his signature so that the Ecclesiastical Authority can express an opinion about the visions and miracles that take place in San Sebastián de Garabandal . 1st - From 9P . M . to 8 A . M . last night they went in and out of ecstasy . 2nd - They called the Virgin " Mother . " 3rd - " The miracle is so beautiful ! " " When are you going to do it ? " Do it soon for those who believe . It 's all the same for those who don 't believe . " 4th - " A priest from the country ? Oh , he isn 't a priest and he comes as a country man ? " ( It was a Marist brother ) . 5th - " Mother , what do I have that 's bad ? Oh ! " ( And she went to her house to take off a bracelet ) . 6th - The report , 60 topics , etc . 7th - A man who wants to give a gift of a statue of St . Michael from Bilbao . 8th - General Director of Security . 4 watches . 9th - A Dominican was there . To Fr . Arama , by telephone - on a day in September 1961 1st - Small crucifix on a rosary , lost on August 15th and found on September 5th . 2nd - María Cruz is not called until Monday . 3rd - There will be a miracle , but we don 't know what or when . 4th - Fr . Luís spoke . The rosary was sung through the houses . 5th - The seers act as mediators for others . 6th - There was a vision in the pines at 2 : 30 . 7th - The girls ' security . 8th - They play hide and go seek with the Virgin . 9th - The people present are persecuted . The Virgin told them : " You already see the laugh , they persecute the priests , making them fall . " 10th - During the whole vision there was something religious . 11th - The Virgin has told them when they go to speak with Her that they should not wear rings or necklaces . As a result , Conchita took off her necklaces . If they have a ring in their hands or on their fingers that was given to them by another person , they throw it when they have the call . 12th - The Virgin does not want them to ask about certain things in the visions ; they can only ask about things that have to do with spirituality . 13th - She asked if the American who lived in Madrid believed in God and she responded that yes , and in the Virgin ? And she said " very little , but he will believe . " ( He was Protestant ) . 14th - A little known man who gave a crucifix through a third person had it returned directly to him with the girl 's back to him . 15th - Luís told the girls that her niece was there and that Ramón had her seated on his knees and they had laughed a lot . 16th - In one of the visions they asked if she wanted to see their dolls and the vision said that " it wasn 't the time for dolls . " 17th - About twenty people were there when the seer began to make the sign of the cross in front of everyone and made it to the Andreu family , including Fr . Ramón ; when this happened , we were surprised . 18th - An older man ( Mayagray ) knelt and asked for the conversion of his son - in - law . The girl came near him and said : " Yes . " 19Posted by From 2 to 3 : 15 yesterday two girls had apparitions in their house . They opened the doors of the room and went out to the dining room . Within the house were the girls ' parents , two priests and a grandmother . One hundred people witnessed in the street . One of them was not allowed to leave her house and did not have a vision . Conchita did not have a vision at this time , and the two girls in ecstasy neared the vision . Telephone Conversation with the Fr . Rector , AranaAugust 31 , 19611st - The visions continue . 2nd - They had Conchita locked in her house for three days and yesterday they let her leave . She went directly to the Church . It was locked . She was in ecstasy for a while . Conchita said that she would have another vision that night . At Sunset : Conchita left and her brothers accompanied her to defend her . She went toward the Church and had an ecstasy in the road . This was around 11 at night . Upon arriving at the door she fell to her knees , then fell on the ground and sat up . After she sat , she went within 15 meters of the Church . Her dress didn 't move , and always stayed to her knee , and she didn 't get dirty with dust , and afterwards she returned to the same posture and to the place where she had begun . During this time you could see the whites of her eyes . During Conchita 's vision , Loli and Jacinta were in her house . 3rd - Jacinta and Loli were in Jacinta 's grandmother 's house . They let the Marquis of Santa María and a sick woman who 'd had 12 operations come up . The girls prayed for the sick woman and they gave her the crucifix and the rosary to kiss ; they returned it in a state of ecstasy . The sick woman almost fainted . 4th - The Virgin has advised Lolita to lengthen her dress a little . 5th - Many people went and many were impressed . 6th - The people who went , in general , were very devoted . They finished the hosts in the village and the pastor asked us to send for an urgent shipment of hosts . My school - Magazine dedicated to the young people from high schools of Immaculate Mary for the Domestic Service and Protection of the Young . Address - Fuencarral 99 - Madrid . Choice of the Small Ones Gregorio XV , in the bull about the canonization of St . Theresa , 1622 . During the following centuries , God deigned , in predetermined times , to visit his people through his servants ; in general he chooses the small and humble to communicate great things to the Catholic Church . It is this , in effect , to those who according to the promise , reveal the mystery of the Reign of the Heavens , that are hidden to the knowledgeable and prudent . " When their vision ended , the girls said that the Virgin smiled when they asked her to speak into the microphone . We know that some conversations were about Protestants and Jews . After this message was transmitted by the girls to Fr . Luís 's mother - as given after his death - she became a religious . She took the habit in San Sebastián ( Guipúzcoa ) on 18 - IV - 62 ( April 18 , 1962 ) . Recorder There is a scene that happened in the first days of the month of August , that refers to the recorder . A man carried a recorder with batteries and recorded what the girls said in a trance in the Pines . I have the reference to this incident from Mr . José Salceda , from Aguilar de Campoo , who was a witness to what I tell here . When they finished the vision they marched with the recorder so that the girls could hear it . Finishing what corresponded to the rapture , they took words from the girls in normal conversation and they told them to ask the Virgin to speak into the microphone so that the voice would be recorded . While they were having this conversation , the girls entered into the vision suddenly . In this state they asked the Virgin to speak into the microphone so that her voice would be recorded . When they finished the vision and went back to their homes in the company of their parents , the girls stayed there ; it was enough . The recorder worked to show how the trance had been . Upon arriving at the girls ' sentences , in which they asked the Virgin to speak , " an unmistakable voice was heard . " These are textual words from Mr . José Salceda : " It was the sweetest voice that came from the apparatus saying : ' No , I won 't speak . ' " The emotion was enormous and many people were crying and saying that this should be taken to the Pope . They played it again and in the middle of the emotion , when they arrived at the cited sentences , we did not hear anything . They went down to Conchita 's house disconcerted . She had not participated in the mentioned vision but she 'd heard what her companions had said . When they arrived at the cited sentences we heard the voice that said : " No , I will not speak . " Upon hearing it Conchita smiled and said she was very happy and that it was the Virgin 's voice . They listened to it again , but I don 't know if they heard it again . Felix de Corta , S . J . The Calls The phenomena of the calls or touches that begin the ecstasies , are given to the girls in the following way : generally we can say that they are always three calls : ― They can have them at the same time when they 're together . ― They can have time around the same time , but not exactly , when they 're together . ― They can have them at the same time when they 're separated . ― They can all have them , or only one girl , or two , or three , or all four . In the calls they don 't hear words . They insist that they are within and do not have words . In the trance they hear syllabic words , including those whose meaning they do not know . They don 't see anything in the calls ; during the trance they see light , people , etc . These are the three principle differences . The meaning of the calls : The word " call " has surged from the girls who say this : " The Virgin hasn 't called me today . " " Today she called me . " " I have had one call , two , etc . They said goodbye : ' Until tomorrow . ' " The third call represents a difference between the first two calls that begin it and end in ecstasy . It grows . The girls can warn that the third gives a certain margin of time , as they said on one occasion : " Father , you have time for one more lines . " I was writing , and that 's how much I wrote . Other times they say : " Father , we 've had two and a half . " This " half " is the beginning of the third . The girls didn 't tell anyone that they had calls except their parents , priests , etc . when they asked . From the third call they pass into the trance . Knowledge of Consciences I saw that one of the girls was in a trance and she went on her knees directly towards one person . This person was leaving , but the girl , still on her knees , met him in the corner . " The girl smiled there and after a few moments , she left . " The impression that this scene left in the person who had followed the girl was so great that he knew what should be normal . The explanation that same person gave me was to tell me that they were anxious at the thought that he had not made good confessions and prayed to the Virgin and God like this : " If my past confessions were made well , let this girl come to me . " At the same time he finished this mental prayer , the girl , who was at the other end of the crowd , went towards this person on her knees and ignored the other people . On August 8th , María Dolores lost a rosary belonging to Fr . Luís , which was about the size of a medal . She lost it on the path from the Pines to the Church . When she realized she 'd lost it , she asked the Virgin where it was , and she found it the next day . On August 15th , one of the girls was carrying a rosary I had given her , and I noticed that the cross was missing when she returned it . Faced with the impossibility of finding it , since it could be in any part of the village , I decided to leave it . After 20 days , on September 5th , I asked the girls to question the Virgin about the cross of the rosary . They did . I heard the dialogue in which they asked and learned the exact place the little cross could be found . When the trance ended , they went immediately and without hesitation and found the cross on one of the roads , under a stone and in the mud . Another type of knowledge On one occasion the girls knelt in a state of trance and prayed an " Oh , My Jesús " before each person . When they arrived before a boy and a small girl , around 7 years old , they prayed a Salve instead of an " Oh , My Jesus . " One of the seers blessed a group of people but did not include one of them . This person was sad . The pastor asked the child when she was in the normal state why she had not blessed the person . The girl responded that the Virgin had told her that he was the only person who had not made the sign of the cross in the morning . He proved that this was true by asking the group , and it was . A good person who had come and was indifferent to what they saw , gave a third person a crucifix so that he could give it to the girls and they could give it to the Vision to kiss . All of this was during the trance . The scene lasted two or three minutes . This third person passed it into the hands of the girl and she gave it to the Vision to kiss . The third person reached out his hand to take the crucifix from the girl , but she made a brisk movement and passed her arm over her shoulders and gave the crucifix to the owner with her back to him . He was visibly emotional . A woman asked them to ask the Virgin if her husband believed in God . The response was : " Yes , he believes in God . He believes very little in the Virgin , but he will believe . " The husband of this woman was Protestant and lived in Madrid . Knowledge of peopleIn the different cases I have given news on , I put in continuation one that I have witnessed myself . 1st - On September 4th , at night , my brother arrived in Garabandal . He came from America . When he arrived , two of the girls welcomed us : Jacinta and María Dolores . I told them that my brother had come from America to see them . While we were talking , Conchita came in a state of trance . She entered into Ceferino 's house , came in front of us and blessed herself . She went up to the first floor - while still in a state of trance - and there she responded to the questions the other girls asked her . " Who has come ? " " Fr . Andreu and one of his brothers . " " Where has he come from ? " " From Caracas - Where is that ? - Oh , there is one here and another there . This one is blond . " According to the facts we have , Conchita did not know that Fr . Andreu had come from Caracas even though it was possible that he had come from America , nor did she know that he was blond . When I asked later , she responded that the Virgin had told her . Here is a fragment from a Vision on August 8 : She went to make the sign of the cross but her hand was impeded . ( They were holding her hand firmly ) . As you want - as you order - I don 't have more - we haven 't given any proof and the people don 't believe - if you want , at the time you want , I 'll go - I don 't know , but since I want to please you , I don 't want to know - I never thought - when you want and what you want - the same you give me to go to all sides now - ( where she 'd had apparitions ) . Because we throw stones and some believe but others don 't want to believe us - I heard some people say that it was a sickness that we had - that the more the people are pleased with us , the more we 'll do it - they say that we 're bad . What the Virgin teaches themFrom the beginning of the visions until August 25 , 1961 , the advice and recommendations the girls have received have been varied . They are here without chronological order , like smooth pieces collected until it is what has happened in the present . Modesty The girls ' modesty is shown in their manner of walking , running , looking , and in their movements , etc . They obey the advice repeated to them by the Virgin several times . The advice is " to be modest . " They don 't like that the people come showing cleavage , that the women smoke , etc … We have to remember that once one of the girls didn 't want to take a picture with a woman because she was showing cleavage . Indifference to fameWhen the beginning of the afternoon arrived , the girls wanted to go to the field , at times , from the morning - or to lock themselves in their houses , only leaving in a sporadic and rapid manner . They say that the Virgin told them to be in their houses ; they dispense with the public in general . They do not show any inquietude even though many people come and when there is no vision , the people are disillusioned . The reason why they like people to come is " so they will believe . " To be present The girls are 11 and 12 years old . Regarding their psychological development , and their way of expressing things that are foreign to them ( logical things ) they might be considered serene and impartial and act as though they were 8 or 9 years old . As a result , when they explain about some of these phenomena they said : " There is no voice like hers … " The calls are : " As though she says run , run , but within , without words . " They are in agreement in all of these descriptions . KissesDuring their visions , we saw the girls kiss something . From their gestures and their explanations , the girls kissed the Virgin , the Archangel St . Michael , and the Child . They are also kissed by these figures . As we have already said , they held the Child in their arms at times . The gesture of kissing , being kissed , and holding the Child or the crowns , are completely defined . An eyewitness told us : " I have not seen , in all of the numerous trances I have witnessed , the simultaneous action of two or three girls kissing at the same time , needless to say successively . " " I have only seen them do it simultaneously when the kiss was not given but being blown from afar , or when the kiss was directed to a different person : the Virgin , Child , or Angel . " When we were in San Sebastián de Garabandal days later the girls told me that the Virgin had told them that Fr . Luís had seen the Her when he yelled : " Miracle , miracle " in the pines , and he was going to speak more . I witnessed the first of the different dialogues they had until that date with him , and all of the scenes they had in those painful moments on the morning of August 9 , 1961 . They had a special significance for me in the Providence of God and the love of Mary , who has played a very important role . The words of Fr . Royo Marín come again , as commented the last words that Fr . Luís pronounced in this world : " This is the happiest day of my life . " Fr . Royo Marín told us : " Truly the day that we arrive in God 's arms is the happiest of our lives . " This day was August 9 , 1961 and the time was 4 : 20 in the morning when we returned from San Sebastián de Garabandal . In Torrelavega we met another Jeep that had gone with people from Aguilar de Campoo , and was stopped . It was the Jeep that had brought us up to San Sebastián de Garabandal . We stopped to see if they needed anything , and José Salceda , who was a mechanic , went down with Fr . Luís and they spoke with them a little . In this second return trip we spoke for a while and I said : " Father , why don 't you sleep for a little while . " He did this for about an hour , until a little after we arrived at Reinosa . When he awoke he said : " I have had a very deep sleep . I feel very well , I 'm not the least bit tired . " We were all tired because it was already four in the morning . In Reinosa we stopped at a fountain to get a drink . We continued the trip and after driving for awhile we neared the city and Fr . Luís repeated the sentences that had characterized the conversation we brought : " I am full of words . What a gift the Virgin has given me ! How lucky to have a mother like that in heaven ! We don 't have to be afraid of the supernatural life . The girls have given us an example of what it is to know the Virgin . I don 't have the least doubt that what the girls say is true . How wonderful that the Virgin has chosen us ! Today is the happiest day of my life . " Upon saying this sentence he stopped talking . I asked him a question , and when he did not respond I asked him again : " Father . Has something happened ? " I thought that he had left . He responded : " No , nothing , I 'm tired . " He inclined his head and made a slight gesture . José Salceda turned towards him and when he saw the priest 's eyes said : " The priest is very bad . " My wife took his wrist and when she didn 't find a pulse said : " Stop , he doesn 't have a pulse , and there is a clinic here . " I believed that this was just dizziness and I said : " Don 't worry , Father , it 's nothing , it will pass in a moment . " My wife said : " We are going to bring him to a clinic . " I responded : " Don 't say foolish things . " But she added : " He 's unconsciousPosted by This descent to the church was vertiginous . The Reverend Fr . Royo Marín , O . P . , advised those present to run to the Church where the girls were going and said this sentence : " Run to the Church so that you 'll be at the girls ' heels . " Some of us made the descent from San Sebastián de Garabandal to Cossío walking and others rode in the Jeep . In deference to Fr . Luís , he went down in the Jeep . I observed that he was very happy . My family members who were in the Jeep with Fr . Luís on this trip told me the same thing . Once in Cossío , we went in different cars and formed an expedition . Although we asked for my sister 's car , Fr . Luís preferred to come with me , since he had gone with me . My wife Carmen , my daughter Mari Carmen , who was eight years old , and I were in the car . José Salceda and Fr . Luís were in front of us . During the majority of the trip we commented upon what we had seen that day . Fr . Luís told me that he had spoken with Fr . Royo Marín and that they were in agreement . My wife , José Salceda , and I all observed a profound and intense happiness in Fr . Luís as well as a sense of security . He spoke without hurrying and repeated these sentences many times : " I am so happy ! I 'm full of things to say . What a gift the Virgin has given me ! I don 't have the least doubt that what is happening with the girls is true . " On August 8 , 1961 , we met Fr . Royo Marín in San Sebastián de Garabandal . Fr . Luís María Andreu , S . J . came with us also ; he had been to San Sebastián three times since July 19th . Fr . Valentín Marichalar was the parish priest from San Sebastián who gave Fr . Luís the key to the Church and asked him to be the parish priest since he had to go to Torrelavega . I observed that Fr . Luís was very happy when he told me : " Faito , today I 'm the pastor of Garabandal , " and he joked with me in this way . The Mass was celebrated in the church in San Sebastián ; the number of people who witnessed it was extraordinary , as were their emotions . Angels : The Archangel St . Michael was the first apparition . On another occasion the girls saw the Virgin surrounded by other smaller angels . There were five . Then the Virgin told them that the angels had accompanied them because she was the Queen of the Angels . They Hear Voices : They don 't see people but they hear them . On these occasions they also see light like the sun that is or seems to be , fixed and it absorbs reality . It seems that they had heard a voice that they didn 't know how to identify . The voice that they hear most frequently is that of Fr . Luís Andreu . They don 't see him , but they hear him . Marianne suffered a heart attack on March 13th , 2012 . On 7 / 23 / 2013 , she suffered a stroke and was hospitalized for over 3 weeks . She did receive the Sacrament of the Sick ! On 8 / 9 / 2013 , Marianne went to the Lord . Deacon John Marianne , my wife 's gravesite The magazine " Garabandal Journal " has updated some information regarding the village of Garabandal , the current Bishop and Pastor . For many years , while never being condemned , the Garabandal events were under a dark cloud as some of the first bishops ( but not all ) opposed the events . But the tide started to change with Bishop Juan Antonio del Val Gallo ( 1971 - 1991 ) . While he at first did not believe in the apparitions he took a more open position . In 1981 , he became a believer and during his reign , he lifted the ban on priests going up to the village and allowed them to celebrate Mass in the village church with the permission of the village pastor . The next bishop , Jose Vilaplana Blasco , was a non - believer , but left in place the positive changes made by Bishop del Val . In 2006 , he was transferred to another diocese in southern Spain and Archbishop of Oviedo , Carlos Osoro Sierra , was made Apostolic Administrator of Santander . The Archbishop , building on the positive measures taken by Bishop Del Val , allowed priests visiting Garabandal to celebrate Mass in the village church even if the pastor was not there ( he ministered to a number of other villages and was not always in Garabandal ) . The Archbishop also gave visiting priests faculties to hear confessions . In 2007 , Ed Kelly from the United States , wrote to the Archbishop requesting the current status of Garabandal and received a letter from the prelate , under his own stationary and signed by him dated May 7 , 2007 , in which he said : " I respect the apparitions and have known of authentic conversions . In light of these events , how can we not always feel the need to open our heart to our mother Mary to tell her that we need her protection , help , spirit , desire , hope and love ! I encourage you to continue maintaining this devotion to our Mother . " In 2011 , two 50th anniversaries were celebrated in Garabandal ( 1 ) for the first appearance of St . Michael on June 18 , 1961 , and ( 2 ) the first vision of Our Lady on July 2 , 1961 . The celebrations were conducted under the auspices ofMY WEB SITE I 'm 79 , formally married to Marianne for 52 years , [ Marianne passed away to the Lord on August 9th , 2013 after suffering a stroke and two cardiac arrests . ] We have 4 children ( plus 2 in heaven - stillborn ) and nine grandchildren plus 1 Step - grandchild . I 'm a Korean War Vet , U . S . Navy ; I was a Motorcycle News Courier for U . P . I . , and WNEW Chanel 5 TV News , during 60 's & 70 's ; a Lieutenant in the Wycoff Hospital Police in the 90 's . I was ordained a Permanent Deacon for the Brooklyn Diocese on April 25 , 1987 and served in four parishes before relocating to Florida in 2002 . I 'm still incardinated for Brooklyn Diocese . There was no parish in my town so we traveled to either Mt . Dora or Eustis for Mass . My oldest son and daughter , John and Anne , lived near us but the rest of the gang are up North in New York and Pennsylvania . We have now relocated to a northern state and my ministry is mostly on the Internet with some blogs and groups . I also assist the pastor at the local Catholic church . I owe my life and conversion / calling to Our Lady of Mt . Carmel de Garabandal , who has brought me to her Son Jesus . I am Their servant and slave ! I only want to do the Will of God and glorify the Most Blessed Trinity with my life !

" Therefore , judge not before the time : until the Lord come , who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts . And then shall every man have praise from God . " ( I Cor . 4 : 5 ) Miracle The child Juan Fontanillas Buj had an accident on October 1st . He slid down the hill and was taken in an ambulance in grave condition to the Hospital of San Pablo . The doctors believed that his condition was hopeless , and few had the hope he would be saved ; in addition to wounds on the body and face , he had brain failure . On the 9th , after 8 days without regaining consciousness , the renowned Dr . Durán operated on his head . The boy continued in the same state and his pulse weakened until it became the minimum before entering into a hopeless coma . On the 14th , 13 days after his collapse , and still unconscious , they put a cross that had been kissed by the Virgin during the visions of the four girls at San Sebastián de Garabandal on him . On the 15th and the 16th , Conchita prayed for the Virgin to heal this child . On the 15th , he regained consciousness and from that moment an enormous change occurred . He knew everyone , and his first impulse was to get up and go to the crucifix which was on the wall to give thanks to God for his healing and then to kiss his parents . For all that has been exposed , it could be a miracle through Divine intercession from the parish priest of San Sebastián so that we can be reunited with the promises of these visions that have been cast away ; it is because of this that we pray for the parents of this child , for the nuns that helped in the hospital and for the sick , and especially for Dr . Durán , who attests to the veracity of these facts with his signature so that the Ecclesiastical Authority can express an opinion about the visions and miracles that take place in San Sebastián de Garabandal . 1st - From 9P . M . to 8 A . M . last night they went in and out of ecstasy . 2nd - They called the Virgin " Mother . " 3rd - " The miracle is so beautiful ! " " When are you going to do it ? " Do it soon for those who believe . It 's all the same for those who don 't believe . " 4th - " A priest from the country ? Oh , he isn 't a priest and he comes as a country man ? " ( It was a Marist brother ) . 5th - " Mother , what do I have that 's bad ? Oh ! " ( And she went to her house to take off a bracelet ) . 6th - The report , 60 topics , etc . 7th - A man who wants to give a gift of a statue of St . Michael from Bilbao . 8th - General Director of Security . 4 watches . 9th - A Dominican was there . To Fr . Arama , by telephone - on a day in September 1961 1st - Small crucifix on a rosary , lost on August 15th and found on September 5th . 2nd - María Cruz is not called until Monday . 3rd - There will be a miracle , but we don 't know what or when . 4th - Fr . Luís spoke . The rosary was sung through the houses . 5th - The seers act as mediators for others . 6th - There was a vision in the pines at 2 : 30 . 7th - The girls ' security . 8th - They play hide and go seek with the Virgin . 9th - The people present are persecuted . The Virgin told them : " You already see the laugh , they persecute the priests , making them fall . " 10th - During the whole vision there was something religious . 11th - The Virgin has told them when they go to speak with Her that they should not wear rings or necklaces . As a result , Conchita took off her necklaces . If they have a ring in their hands or on their fingers that was given to them by another person , they throw it when they have the call . 12th - The Virgin does not want them to ask about certain things in the visions ; they can only ask about things that have to do with spirituality . 13th - She asked if the American who lived in Madrid believed in God and she responded that yes , and in the Virgin ? And she said " very little , but he will believe . " ( He was Protestant ) . 14th - A little known man who gave a crucifix through a third person had it returned directly to him with the girl 's back to him . 15th - Luís told the girls that her niece was there and that Ramón had her seated on his knees and they had laughed a lot . 16th - In one of the visions they asked if she wanted to see their dolls and the vision said that " it wasn 't the time for dolls . " 17th - About twenty people were there when the seer began to make the sign of the cross in front of everyone and made it to the Andreu family , including Fr . Ramón ; when this happened , we were surprised . 18th - An older man ( Mayagray ) knelt and asked for the conversion of his son - in - law . The girl came near him and said : " Yes . " 19Posted by From 2 to 3 : 15 yesterday two girls had apparitions in their house . They opened the doors of the room and went out to the dining room . Within the house were the girls ' parents , two priests and a grandmother . One hundred people witnessed in the street . One of them was not allowed to leave her house and did not have a vision . Conchita did not have a vision at this time , and the two girls in ecstasy neared the vision . Telephone Conversation with the Fr . Rector , AranaAugust 31 , 19611st - The visions continue . 2nd - They had Conchita locked in her house for three days and yesterday they let her leave . She went directly to the Church . It was locked . She was in ecstasy for a while . Conchita said that she would have another vision that night . At Sunset : Conchita left and her brothers accompanied her to defend her . She went toward the Church and had an ecstasy in the road . This was around 11 at night . Upon arriving at the door she fell to her knees , then fell on the ground and sat up . After she sat , she went within 15 meters of the Church . Her dress didn 't move , and always stayed to her knee , and she didn 't get dirty with dust , and afterwards she returned to the same posture and to the place where she had begun . During this time you could see the whites of her eyes . During Conchita 's vision , Loli and Jacinta were in her house . 3rd - Jacinta and Loli were in Jacinta 's grandmother 's house . They let the Marquis of Santa María and a sick woman who 'd had 12 operations come up . The girls prayed for the sick woman and they gave her the crucifix and the rosary to kiss ; they returned it in a state of ecstasy . The sick woman almost fainted . 4th - The Virgin has advised Lolita to lengthen her dress a little . 5th - Many people went and many were impressed . 6th - The people who went , in general , were very devoted . They finished the hosts in the village and the pastor asked us to send for an urgent shipment of hosts . My school - Magazine dedicated to the young people from high schools of Immaculate Mary for the Domestic Service and Protection of the Young . Address - Fuencarral 99 - Madrid . Choice of the Small Ones Gregorio XV , in the bull about the canonization of St . Theresa , 1622 . During the following centuries , God deigned , in predetermined times , to visit his people through his servants ; in general he chooses the small and humble to communicate great things to the Catholic Church . It is this , in effect , to those who according to the promise , reveal the mystery of the Reign of the Heavens , that are hidden to the knowledgeable and prudent . " When their vision ended , the girls said that the Virgin smiled when they asked her to speak into the microphone . We know that some conversations were about Protestants and Jews . After this message was transmitted by the girls to Fr . Luís 's mother - as given after his death - she became a religious . She took the habit in San Sebastián ( Guipúzcoa ) on 18 - IV - 62 ( April 18 , 1962 ) . Recorder There is a scene that happened in the first days of the month of August , that refers to the recorder . A man carried a recorder with batteries and recorded what the girls said in a trance in the Pines . I have the reference to this incident from Mr . José Salceda , from Aguilar de Campoo , who was a witness to what I tell here . When they finished the vision they marched with the recorder so that the girls could hear it . Finishing what corresponded to the rapture , they took words from the girls in normal conversation and they told them to ask the Virgin to speak into the microphone so that the voice would be recorded . While they were having this conversation , the girls entered into the vision suddenly . In this state they asked the Virgin to speak into the microphone so that her voice would be recorded . When they finished the vision and went back to their homes in the company of their parents , the girls stayed there ; it was enough . The recorder worked to show how the trance had been . Upon arriving at the girls ' sentences , in which they asked the Virgin to speak , " an unmistakable voice was heard . " These are textual words from Mr . José Salceda : " It was the sweetest voice that came from the apparatus saying : ' No , I won 't speak . ' " The emotion was enormous and many people were crying and saying that this should be taken to the Pope . They played it again and in the middle of the emotion , when they arrived at the cited sentences , we did not hear anything . They went down to Conchita 's house disconcerted . She had not participated in the mentioned vision but she 'd heard what her companions had said . When they arrived at the cited sentences we heard the voice that said : " No , I will not speak . " Upon hearing it Conchita smiled and said she was very happy and that it was the Virgin 's voice . They listened to it again , but I don 't know if they heard it again . Felix de Corta , S . J . The Calls The phenomena of the calls or touches that begin the ecstasies , are given to the girls in the following way : generally we can say that they are always three calls : ― They can have them at the same time when they 're together . ― They can have time around the same time , but not exactly , when they 're together . ― They can have them at the same time when they 're separated . ― They can all have them , or only one girl , or two , or three , or all four . In the calls they don 't hear words . They insist that they are within and do not have words . In the trance they hear syllabic words , including those whose meaning they do not know . They don 't see anything in the calls ; during the trance they see light , people , etc . These are the three principle differences . The meaning of the calls : The word " call " has surged from the girls who say this : " The Virgin hasn 't called me today . " " Today she called me . " " I have had one call , two , etc . They said goodbye : ' Until tomorrow . ' " The third call represents a difference between the first two calls that begin it and end in ecstasy . It grows . The girls can warn that the third gives a certain margin of time , as they said on one occasion : " Father , you have time for one more lines . " I was writing , and that 's how much I wrote . Other times they say : " Father , we 've had two and a half . " This " half " is the beginning of the third . The girls didn 't tell anyone that they had calls except their parents , priests , etc . when they asked . From the third call they pass into the trance . Knowledge of Consciences I saw that one of the girls was in a trance and she went on her knees directly towards one person . This person was leaving , but the girl , still on her knees , met him in the corner . " The girl smiled there and after a few moments , she left . " The impression that this scene left in the person who had followed the girl was so great that he knew what should be normal . The explanation that same person gave me was to tell me that they were anxious at the thought that he had not made good confessions and prayed to the Virgin and God like this : " If my past confessions were made well , let this girl come to me . " At the same time he finished this mental prayer , the girl , who was at the other end of the crowd , went towards this person on her knees and ignored the other people . On August 8th , María Dolores lost a rosary belonging to Fr . Luís , which was about the size of a medal . She lost it on the path from the Pines to the Church . When she realized she 'd lost it , she asked the Virgin where it was , and she found it the next day . On August 15th , one of the girls was carrying a rosary I had given her , and I noticed that the cross was missing when she returned it . Faced with the impossibility of finding it , since it could be in any part of the village , I decided to leave it . After 20 days , on September 5th , I asked the girls to question the Virgin about the cross of the rosary . They did . I heard the dialogue in which they asked and learned the exact place the little cross could be found . When the trance ended , they went immediately and without hesitation and found the cross on one of the roads , under a stone and in the mud . Another type of knowledge On one occasion the girls knelt in a state of trance and prayed an " Oh , My Jesús " before each person . When they arrived before a boy and a small girl , around 7 years old , they prayed a Salve instead of an " Oh , My Jesus . " One of the seers blessed a group of people but did not include one of them . This person was sad . The pastor asked the child when she was in the normal state why she had not blessed the person . The girl responded that the Virgin had told her that he was the only person who had not made the sign of the cross in the morning . He proved that this was true by asking the group , and it was . A good person who had come and was indifferent to what they saw , gave a third person a crucifix so that he could give it to the girls and they could give it to the Vision to kiss . All of this was during the trance . The scene lasted two or three minutes . This third person passed it into the hands of the girl and she gave it to the Vision to kiss . The third person reached out his hand to take the crucifix from the girl , but she made a brisk movement and passed her arm over her shoulders and gave the crucifix to the owner with her back to him . He was visibly emotional . A woman asked them to ask the Virgin if her husband believed in God . The response was : " Yes , he believes in God . He believes very little in the Virgin , but he will believe . " The husband of this woman was Protestant and lived in Madrid . Knowledge of peopleIn the different cases I have given news on , I put in continuation one that I have witnessed myself . 1st - On September 4th , at night , my brother arrived in Garabandal . He came from America . When he arrived , two of the girls welcomed us : Jacinta and María Dolores . I told them that my brother had come from America to see them . While we were talking , Conchita came in a state of trance . She entered into Ceferino 's house , came in front of us and blessed herself . She went up to the first floor - while still in a state of trance - and there she responded to the questions the other girls asked her . " Who has come ? " " Fr . Andreu and one of his brothers . " " Where has he come from ? " " From Caracas - Where is that ? - Oh , there is one here and another there . This one is blond . " According to the facts we have , Conchita did not know that Fr . Andreu had come from Caracas even though it was possible that he had come from America , nor did she know that he was blond . When I asked later , she responded that the Virgin had told her . Here is a fragment from a Vision on August 8 : She went to make the sign of the cross but her hand was impeded . ( They were holding her hand firmly ) . As you want - as you order - I don 't have more - we haven 't given any proof and the people don 't believe - if you want , at the time you want , I 'll go - I don 't know , but since I want to please you , I don 't want to know - I never thought - when you want and what you want - the same you give me to go to all sides now - ( where she 'd had apparitions ) . Because we throw stones and some believe but others don 't want to believe us - I heard some people say that it was a sickness that we had - that the more the people are pleased with us , the more we 'll do it - they say that we 're bad . What the Virgin teaches themFrom the beginning of the visions until August 25 , 1961 , the advice and recommendations the girls have received have been varied . They are here without chronological order , like smooth pieces collected until it is what has happened in the present . Modesty The girls ' modesty is shown in their manner of walking , running , looking , and in their movements , etc . They obey the advice repeated to them by the Virgin several times . The advice is " to be modest . " They don 't like that the people come showing cleavage , that the women smoke , etc … We have to remember that once one of the girls didn 't want to take a picture with a woman because she was showing cleavage . Indifference to fameWhen the beginning of the afternoon arrived , the girls wanted to go to the field , at times , from the morning - or to lock themselves in their houses , only leaving in a sporadic and rapid manner . They say that the Virgin told them to be in their houses ; they dispense with the public in general . They do not show any inquietude even though many people come and when there is no vision , the people are disillusioned . The reason why they like people to come is " so they will believe . " To be present The girls are 11 and 12 years old . Regarding their psychological development , and their way of expressing things that are foreign to them ( logical things ) they might be considered serene and impartial and act as though they were 8 or 9 years old . As a result , when they explain about some of these phenomena they said : " There is no voice like hers … " The calls are : " As though she says run , run , but within , without words . " They are in agreement in all of these descriptions . KissesDuring their visions , we saw the girls kiss something . From their gestures and their explanations , the girls kissed the Virgin , the Archangel St . Michael , and the Child . They are also kissed by these figures . As we have already said , they held the Child in their arms at times . The gesture of kissing , being kissed , and holding the Child or the crowns , are completely defined . An eyewitness told us : " I have not seen , in all of the numerous trances I have witnessed , the simultaneous action of two or three girls kissing at the same time , needless to say successively . " " I have only seen them do it simultaneously when the kiss was not given but being blown from afar , or when the kiss was directed to a different person : the Virgin , Child , or Angel . " When we were in San Sebastián de Garabandal days later the girls told me that the Virgin had told them that Fr . Luís had seen the Her when he yelled : " Miracle , miracle " in the pines , and he was going to speak more . I witnessed the first of the different dialogues they had until that date with him , and all of the scenes they had in those painful moments on the morning of August 9 , 1961 . They had a special significance for me in the Providence of God and the love of Mary , who has played a very important role . The words of Fr . Royo Marín come again , as commented the last words that Fr . Luís pronounced in this world : " This is the happiest day of my life . " Fr . Royo Marín told us : " Truly the day that we arrive in God 's arms is the happiest of our lives . " This day was August 9 , 1961 and the time was 4 : 20 in the morning when we returned from San Sebastián de Garabandal . In Torrelavega we met another Jeep that had gone with people from Aguilar de Campoo , and was stopped . It was the Jeep that had brought us up to San Sebastián de Garabandal . We stopped to see if they needed anything , and José Salceda , who was a mechanic , went down with Fr . Luís and they spoke with them a little . In this second return trip we spoke for a while and I said : " Father , why don 't you sleep for a little while . " He did this for about an hour , until a little after we arrived at Reinosa . When he awoke he said : " I have had a very deep sleep . I feel very well , I 'm not the least bit tired . " We were all tired because it was already four in the morning . In Reinosa we stopped at a fountain to get a drink . We continued the trip and after driving for awhile we neared the city and Fr . Luís repeated the sentences that had characterized the conversation we brought : " I am full of words . What a gift the Virgin has given me ! How lucky to have a mother like that in heaven ! We don 't have to be afraid of the supernatural life . The girls have given us an example of what it is to know the Virgin . I don 't have the least doubt that what the girls say is true . How wonderful that the Virgin has chosen us ! Today is the happiest day of my life . " Upon saying this sentence he stopped talking . I asked him a question , and when he did not respond I asked him again : " Father . Has something happened ? " I thought that he had left . He responded : " No , nothing , I 'm tired . " He inclined his head and made a slight gesture . José Salceda turned towards him and when he saw the priest 's eyes said : " The priest is very bad . " My wife took his wrist and when she didn 't find a pulse said : " Stop , he doesn 't have a pulse , and there is a clinic here . " I believed that this was just dizziness and I said : " Don 't worry , Father , it 's nothing , it will pass in a moment . " My wife said : " We are going to bring him to a clinic . " I responded : " Don 't say foolish things . " But she added : " He 's unconsciousPosted by This descent to the church was vertiginous . The Reverend Fr . Royo Marín , O . P . , advised those present to run to the Church where the girls were going and said this sentence : " Run to the Church so that you 'll be at the girls ' heels . " Some of us made the descent from San Sebastián de Garabandal to Cossío walking and others rode in the Jeep . In deference to Fr . Luís , he went down in the Jeep . I observed that he was very happy . My family members who were in the Jeep with Fr . Luís on this trip told me the same thing . Once in Cossío , we went in different cars and formed an expedition . Although we asked for my sister 's car , Fr . Luís preferred to come with me , since he had gone with me . My wife Carmen , my daughter Mari Carmen , who was eight years old , and I were in the car . José Salceda and Fr . Luís were in front of us . During the majority of the trip we commented upon what we had seen that day . Fr . Luís told me that he had spoken with Fr . Royo Marín and that they were in agreement . My wife , José Salceda , and I all observed a profound and intense happiness in Fr . Luís as well as a sense of security . He spoke without hurrying and repeated these sentences many times : " I am so happy ! I 'm full of things to say . What a gift the Virgin has given me ! I don 't have the least doubt that what is happening with the girls is true . " On August 8 , 1961 , we met Fr . Royo Marín in San Sebastián de Garabandal . Fr . Luís María Andreu , S . J . came with us also ; he had been to San Sebastián three times since July 19th . Fr . Valentín Marichalar was the parish priest from San Sebastián who gave Fr . Luís the key to the Church and asked him to be the parish priest since he had to go to Torrelavega . I observed that Fr . Luís was very happy when he told me : " Faito , today I 'm the pastor of Garabandal , " and he joked with me in this way . The Mass was celebrated in the church in San Sebastián ; the number of people who witnessed it was extraordinary , as were their emotions . Angels : The Archangel St . Michael was the first apparition . On another occasion the girls saw the Virgin surrounded by other smaller angels . There were five . Then the Virgin told them that the angels had accompanied them because she was the Queen of the Angels . They Hear Voices : They don 't see people but they hear them . On these occasions they also see light like the sun that is or seems to be , fixed and it absorbs reality . It seems that they had heard a voice that they didn 't know how to identify . The voice that they hear most frequently is that of Fr . Luís Andreu . They don 't see him , but they hear him . Marianne suffered a heart attack on March 13th , 2012 . On 7 / 23 / 2013 , she suffered a stroke and was hospitalized for over 3 weeks . She did receive the Sacrament of the Sick ! On 8 / 9 / 2013 , Marianne went to the Lord . Deacon John Marianne , my wife 's gravesite The magazine " Garabandal Journal " has updated some information regarding the village of Garabandal , the current Bishop and Pastor . For many years , while never being condemned , the Garabandal events were under a dark cloud as some of the first bishops ( but not all ) opposed the events . But the tide started to change with Bishop Juan Antonio del Val Gallo ( 1971 - 1991 ) . While he at first did not believe in the apparitions he took a more open position . In 1981 , he became a believer and during his reign , he lifted the ban on priests going up to the village and allowed them to celebrate Mass in the village church with the permission of the village pastor . The next bishop , Jose Vilaplana Blasco , was a non - believer , but left in place the positive changes made by Bishop del Val . In 2006 , he was transferred to another diocese in southern Spain and Archbishop of Oviedo , Carlos Osoro Sierra , was made Apostolic Administrator of Santander . The Archbishop , building on the positive measures taken by Bishop Del Val , allowed priests visiting Garabandal to celebrate Mass in the village church even if the pastor was not there ( he ministered to a number of other villages and was not always in Garabandal ) . The Archbishop also gave visiting priests faculties to hear confessions . In 2007 , Ed Kelly from the United States , wrote to the Archbishop requesting the current status of Garabandal and received a letter from the prelate , under his own stationary and signed by him dated May 7 , 2007 , in which he said : " I respect the apparitions and have known of authentic conversions . In light of these events , how can we not always feel the need to open our heart to our mother Mary to tell her that we need her protection , help , spirit , desire , hope and love ! I encourage you to continue maintaining this devotion to our Mother . " In 2011 , two 50th anniversaries were celebrated in Garabandal ( 1 ) for the first appearance of St . Michael on June 18 , 1961 , and ( 2 ) the first vision of Our Lady on July 2 , 1961 . The celebrations were conducted under the auspices ofMY WEB SITE I 'm 79 , formally married to Marianne for 52 years , [ Marianne passed away to the Lord on August 9th , 2013 after suffering a stroke and two cardiac arrests . ] We have 4 children ( plus 2 in heaven - stillborn ) and nine grandchildren plus 1 Step - grandchild . I 'm a Korean War Vet , U . S . Navy ; I was a Motorcycle News Courier for U . P . I . , and WNEW Chanel 5 TV News , during 60 's & 70 's ; a Lieutenant in the Wycoff Hospital Police in the 90 's . I was ordained a Permanent Deacon for the Brooklyn Diocese on April 25 , 1987 and served in four parishes before relocating to Florida in 2002 . I 'm still incardinated for Brooklyn Diocese . There was no parish in my town so we traveled to either Mt . Dora or Eustis for Mass . My oldest son and daughter , John and Anne , lived near us but the rest of the gang are up North in New York and Pennsylvania . We have now relocated to a northern state and my ministry is mostly on the Internet with some blogs and groups . I also assist the pastor at the local Catholic church . I owe my life and conversion / calling to Our Lady of Mt . Carmel de Garabandal , who has brought me to her Son Jesus . I am Their servant and slave ! I only want to do the Will of God and glorify the Most Blessed Trinity with my life !

Meet Rocky , the paraplegic sheep with an impressive underbite . Rocky was born with paralyzed back legs . Due to this birth defect , his parents decided to send him to the slaughterhouse . But the sanctuary I worked at in Texas intercepted him . Rocky spent his short few years of life frolicking in the pasture , where he taught himself to walk by balancing on his back legs . He was by and far my favorite patient . This sheep taught me so much about perseverance . It was in Texas that I contracted then undiagnosed Lyme disease . When I became too weak and painful to carry food buckets through the pasture , I still snuck away every day to spend time with him . This was my second exposure to the labor - intensive world of animal rescue and rehabilitation , the repetitive long hours and interrupted nights of sleep . Here was my first scorpion sting , my first encounter with wild snakes mating , my first sheep shearing , my first goat milking , the first time I touched a lion 's paw , the first ( and hopefully last ) time I butchered a dead horse . Texas was home to the first time I swam in my skivvies ( carpe diem , people ) , the first time I saw a bullet wound ( never mess with a Texan and his rifle ) , my first time driving manual all by myself ( it didn 't go well ) , my first bed and breakfast experience ( mmmm … asparagus omelet ) . My initial days in Texas began with the unknown , sprouting growth and reflection in my life and career . I 'll never forget the smell of a skunk with distemper , the strength of a cardinal 's beak or the cunning minds behind the masks of raccoons . ( Plus , I compiled the above video so that I really won 't ever forget just how cute a kid goat is . ) My Texas escapades were cut short when I was diagnosed , then undiagnosed , then re - diagnosed with Lyme Disease . The end of my six - month internship was nearing , but I 'd been hired on for an additional one - year commitment as an apprentice . That position would entail an increased load of medical work in the animal clinic coupled with an advanced leadership role . I 'd still be living in a trailer with six other people , but The Apprentice Trailer instead of one of three intern trailers . I was excited in many ways but also beginning to doubt my abilities as I noticed my body slowly getting weaker . Soon , standing became an actual task . My arms ached when I reached for things above my head . The joints in my fingers screamed with fire when I pressed syringes to release gruel into the crying mouths of baby birds . My roommate , Brandi , had recently gone to the urgent care after feeling tired and nauseous . These symptoms alone could have been linked to the common flu or simply heat exhaustion . However , a tell - tale bull 's - eye rash on her stomach suggested a tick might be to blame . Sure enough , a blood test revealed that she had Lyme Disease . Once on antibiotics , she began to feel much better . Initially overlooking my increasing fatigue and acute pain as the result of being over - worked , I started to become concerned after speaking with my supervisor and asking for a lightened work load . I spent a week manning the phone hotline , working the normal 9 - 5 desk job , but just taking down notes from callers with a pen or keyboard created a nauseating pain . At times my joints were so stiff , I had to try using my left hand , only to find those joints stiffened just as quickly . It was time to hit up the doctor . " Funny that you should ask , " I commented . " My roommate was just treated for Lyme . " In fact , I could very easily have been exposed to a deer tick seeing as I spent days working in the deer yard nursing more than fifty orphaned fawns . I didn 't have that bulls - eye rash , though , like my roommate had . The rash occurs in 80 - 90 % of infected cases . I guess I 've never really fit into the standard " norm . " The doctors started me on pre - cautionary antibiotics and poked my arm for a blood test , assuring me that the antibiotics would do no harm to my body in the event that I did not test positive for Lyme . I took the twice - a - day Doxycicline for almost a week . The medicine was intended for a 21 - day cycle , but when the test came back negative , the doctor said to stop popping the pills . He was a doctor , so I listened to him . He referred me to a rheumatologist and general practitioner suggesting I be tested for a whole panel of diseases and disorders ranging from arthritis to multiple sclerosis to Lupus , even fibromyalgia , which I was sure , if it ever did hit me , wouldn 't ever happen until my elderly years . Being out - of - state , the health insurance was posing to be a very difficult issue . And , my symptoms persisted , in fact worsening to the point that I had trouble walking . When I commit to something , I follow it all the way through . Despite the discomfort , I managed to finish out my internship . But due to financial reasons , my overall poor health , and the fact that I desperately needed some coddling from Mom and Dad , I postponed the start of my apprenticeship . Immediately upon my arrival home , I was bombarded with doctor appointments , needle pricks , and the anxiety - inducing waiting game . They filled 12 vials with my blood . I only know because I saw them on the table beforehand . I would have collapsed in the chair if I dared peek during the process . Luckily , my new general practitioner was determined to figure out what was causing my body to feel this way . When the Lyme test came back negative , he scrutinized it , noticing the range was border - line . Instead of writing off Lyme Disease once again , he sent it out for a further test called the Western Blot . About a week later , the results came back indicating I was indeed positive for Lyme . It was back on the antibiotics . After one month , I felt better in some ways but worse in others , and so my cycle was extended for yet another month . I followed up with an infectious disease doctor who also treated an infection in my leg that resulted from a weakened immune system . I never knew infections could be so painful ! It has been over two years now , and the scar on my leg remains . I was self - conscious about it for the first year , but now I think it tells my story quite well . Some people get dealt unlucky hands . The ill - fated must remember that no matter how far from reach the rainbow lies , it 's always there , always attainable . As my body began recuperating , I decided it was best to remain active instead of vegetating on the sofa . Though I was exhausted , it still drove me nearly insane not being able to run for what was now six months time . Instead of running , I took up leisurely bike rides and swims . I began helping out my neighbors and friends of friends to both keep busy and bring in enough money to pay off my student loans . I cleaned houses and cooked family dinners , did other people 's grocery shopping , chauffeured kids and dogs , and slowly worked my way up to yard work . All the while searching for the next step , my bones gradually felt at ease and my energy level increased . My dad said he knew I was feeling better when I started talking in a British accent again . After more than six months of a life that had to change , to mold , to readjust , a life I didn 't know if I would get back , I had a lot of painful firsts . They were followed by more jovial seconds . The first time I came back from a run , I wanted to cut my legs off from the cramping and strain . The next time I went out , I couldn 't stop running . The first time I strung my guitar , my fingers didn 't want to form the chord shapes . The next time they wanted to pluck away like a monkey with a hammer . The first time I was able to run my fingertips along the faux ivory of that wooden , upright piano I 'd played since I was eight years old , I had to double - check that my joints weren 't actually on fire . The second time , I couldn 't stop composing . Finally , I could open jars again , I could write , I could put my hair in a ponytail without experiencing excruciating pain , burning , fatigue , and stiffness . Oh how I 'd taken for granted these little things in life . By the time three months in Perrysburg rolled around , I was ready to be on my own again . I didn 't quite feel 100 % , but I had gone from needing to ask for help to being able to bite through the pain . And soon , I hoped , there would no longer be any physical distress , other than that spawned by physical labor in the animal world . Time spent at home made me reflect and realize that I wasn 't quite done paving opportunities for myself . When I was in junior high , I wanted to be a marine biologist . A part of me still felt called to protect our oceans . I declined the apprenticeship in rural Texas and accepted yet another internship at Mote Marine Laboratory in Sarasota , Florida working at the Dolphin & Whale and Sea Turtle Hospitals . I wouldn 't be earning even a stipend , and I 'd have to find a place to rent , but I had money saved up and so much more to learn . I think nearly every day how very different my life could have been if I 'd gone back to Texas . I would probably still be there now , three years later . But so much has happened since then , and I wouldn 't trade it for the world , a million dollars , or even a million guinea pigs . At the start of a closing clinic shift , we received a call about an injured deer on the side of the road just a few miles away . Apprentice LeeAnn and I drove to check out the situation . The caller said he was traveling across the country and passed by this deer who was still breathing at the time of the call . When the odometer hit 1 . 9 miles , LeeAnn and I craned our necks out the window , searching the grass . Spotting the animal , we parked the CRV behind another car . A man stood by the vehicle 's trunk . Approaching the deer , we stopped short . This guy hadn 't been hit by a car . Two lead bullets had sliced through him , a through - and - through in the jugular and another lodged just above the eye . Not seeing any signs of life , we felt his nose . It was still warm , and the flies had not yet accumulated on the wet , crimson blood . We had probably arrived mere minutes after he died . Texan law allows for public hunting on select private lands to help the state manage the surplus of white - tailed deer . Property owners can apply for a drawing in which the government leases land from individuals for a public hunt . However , the hunting is monitored during a set check - in and check - out time . This deer had been illegally shot . While LeeAnn and I were processing the situation , a man with a rifle hopped over the fence across the street . Our eyes followed him and the man by the parked car as the two ambled toward us . I gritted my teeth , trying to contain my anger , logically thinking the man with the rifle was the shooter . I had a dictionary of choice words for him but was torn between morality and safety . All for speaking my mind , I wasn 't too sure how I would feel about a bullet in my foot . I don 't like guns and as such had not been around them . This was my first time seeing a rifle up close . But I did know one thing about weaponry ; never test the patience of a man with a gun in his hand . " Yep , just what I thought . One through - and - through , one lodged . " That much I could have told him . He rested the butt of the rifle on the ground and whipped out a knife . Ohmigod , I thought . He 's going to saw this deer 's head off with a pocketknife . LeeAnn and I exchanged looks of concern . Great , I thought . My boss 's father is a hunter , a felon , and about to chop off the head of this deer . And never mind the unnamed mystery man in the background . The parked car man stood behind Rifle Man , silent as a mute . " I heard the shot , " he continued . " You can 't shoot deer out here . " I relaxed slightly , realizing Rifle Man was not the deer shooter , but my relaxation was short - lived . He inserted the blade tip under the skin at the deer 's temple , carved a half circle , then stuck his thumb and two fingers into the bullet hole , extracting the bullet . He inspected it , rolling the silver bell between his fingers . Orphaned fawns who are also ill first recover in the clinic . White tail and axis fawns look almost identical , except axis fawns have a stripe of darker fur running along their spine . Both have prominent white spots . You might question why a Texan would bother calling in about a deer needing rescue when all natives appear to carry guns and hunt deer . I don 't have an answer for that . Maybe you 're asking why in tarnation we would go out to save a deer when some deer species , like the white - tailed , are overpopulated and hunting is allowed anyway . I have asked the same question , and I came to this conclusion . It is my job as an animal rehabber to ensure that no animal suffers . If a deer gets shot in the gut during a hunt , I should hope he doesn 't have to bleed out a slow and painful end . Similarly , if a deer is hit by a car , I feel obligated to step in to prevent a torturous death and to rehabilitate the animal if possible . My role as an animal rehabber is to care for an individual animal . Though I cannot undo the obliteration , destruction and domination by humans over other creatures on our earth , I can try to offset the consequences . I believe we should live in harmony with the environment . This is not a new age idea , but you can call me a tree hugger if you want . I simply feel interconnected with my surroundings . Never has this belief been stronger than the days since I lived in the Amazon rainforest . Living among the Quechua tribe , I witnessed the beauty and sustainability of a reciprocal relationship between man and earth . It is not only functional , but it is also renewable . Both the Quechua people and my fellow Americans live in a dually symmetrical and asymmetrical world , but the details are reversed . In the USA , our land is mapped out on a measured , checkered grid of brownstones , blacktop and sidewalk , but these cityscapes and suburbs extinguish the natural terrain . In the Amazon , a walk to the river for water will take a Quechua tribesman around a tree instead of through it , winding an asymmetrical web much like the inconsistent pattern of my travels , yet a path that successfully nurtures and balances nature . The symmetry between man and the land in the jungle is based on the cycle of give and take , not take , take , take . In Kendalia , Texas , I got a glimpse of my life in the Amazon , living simply and surrounded by nature . Yet , here I was caring for sick , injured and orphaned animals of which more than half were in my hands because of a man - made society encroaching on the natural world . This was my chance to bring the Amazon home , to reverse the curse , if I may ; to right some wrongs . What I most loved about WRR was the variety of animals . I don 't mean the diversity found in a zoo setting - African savannah or Arctic exhibits , for example - but rather the categories of animals . I grouped the critters under one of four labels : companion animals , native wildlife , exotics or livestock . Each type requires specific protocol for handling , rearing and maintenance . Livestock upkeep involves annual sheep shearing , and equine hoof trimming is being introduced at WRR as well . During the course of an internship , it is important to be assertive , especially in the zoological world . I 've been performing manual labor for free ( zero , zip , nada ) , so to make sure I learned the absolute most from my time at WRR , I weaseled my way into helping with the livestock . Sheep shearing is as hard core as it gets . The process takes a great amount of focus , commitment , teamwork , communication and muscle . You might be thinking , Baaaah , they 're just grass - eating fluff balls on peg legs . How hard can it be to shear one ? Allow me to paint the picture in more detail . First , all the sheep must be corralled from one pasture into a smaller penned - in area called a lock out . That 's actually the easy part because the sheep tend to follow the food . If you shake a bucket of feed , they 'll more than likely go right where you want them . The hard part is the one - on - one . Minimally - excluding sheep shearing experts - the sheep wrangling takes two people . Sheep must never be looked at straight on because they view this as a challenge associated with predators . As animals of prey , they flee . Honing in on one sheep agreed on by the wranglers , no individual in particular , both people side waddle toward the animal , arms stretched wide . Essentially , this creates a wrestling arena that gets increasingly smaller in size . When one of the wranglers senses good timing , he or she initiates the contact . Basically , the wrangler dives right in and either grabs the horns or clenches a tuft of fleece . The sheep will buck and jump and thrash and kick , so it is important to be aligned out of harm 's way . Once the sheep has been grasped , he is pulled toward the shearing station . A strong grip must be maintained because the sheep will fight the entire time . If the wrangler loses hold , the sheep becomes so skittish that catching him again in the same day is unlikely . At the shearing station , the wranglers flip the sheep onto his back by squeezing the legs together and turning him over . Someone comes in with the shears while the sheep is pinned to the ground . Getting the job done as fast as possible minimizes stress on the animal . However , sheep skin is thin and can be sliced almost effortlessly with the blade . While the shearer wants to move quickly , he or she has to keep in mind how much pressure is being put on the blade . If a sheep does get cut , spraying a liquid wound sealer helps minimize blood loss . The metallic silver shine of the spray gives the sheep a hip look , too . Just like shaving a beard , the blade is a particular width relative to the thickness of the sheep 's coat . The amount of wool that falls off of one sheep would make enough toupees for ten bald men . At WRR , we used the wool as enrichment and bedding . Non - profits make a rule out of the triumvirate idiom " reduce , reuse , recycle . " ( Innovation cuts down on finances . ) We discovered a colony of maggots inside the necrotic horn of a male sheep during his shearing . No matter how much we flushed out the area , the wrigglers continued to appear . The odor given off by this dying , infested tissue was even more unbearable than the trailer skunk smell . I think I reached a personal record for time to hold my breath . I didn 't think my job could get more intense than being dragged around on the dirt by an angry sheep , but when you add in the maggots , I think it does . Hoof trimming on horses , mules and donkeys can be particularly challenging the first time around . Equine hooves are really just giant toe nails . Eating a diet too rich in protein can cause the nails to grow exponentially fast . Hooves can also grow too fast if a horse is given too much water after overheating . Without a rough surface to naturally file the hooves down , caretakers have to manually trim them . All of our equines were rescued from neglectful circumstances in which their hooves foundered . This means they were overgrown to the point that they curled at the tips . The quick in a hoof , or the supply of blood vessels , lengthens during foundering thereby increasing blood flow . Consequently , the hoof becomes hot to the touch . Foundering , also called laminitis , is incredibly painful and , unfortunately , irreversible . But the damage can be lessened if caught in the beginning phases and by continued treatment . Otherwise , the hoof bone can rotate and puncture through the hoof , in which case , due to intense suffering , the animal is humanely euthanized . In order to make the hoof trimming process run more smoothly , and in the interest of both the animals and caretakers , we implemented tactile training sessions to get the animals accustomed to our touch . Half of our equines feared humans , a result of their abusive past . We needed to earn their trust and gain their comfort in this medical situation . Some days , walking into the pasture with a bowl of carrots and apples , the equines still were not interested in me . To prevent them from regressing , back - pedaling from the progress we 'd made up to that point , I would have to postpone the session to another day . Training takes a great deal of patience , which I sometimes don 't have but thankfully am learning to build . Most often , our opossum patients were babies found wiggling or scurrying along the road nearby where their mother had been hit by a car . Sometimes , the babies were so young they were still latched onto the dead mother 's nipples and had to be pried off . This is how the mother transports the youngins in their first couple weeks of life . Some of the required duties of an animal caretaker are absolutely revolting . I 'm not talking about menial chores like scraping feces out of enclosures or pulling out fresh carcasses from crates . This is more along the lines of tasks as disgusting as the " Meat Run . " An adult opossum came in one night , rescued off the side of the road . Having been struck by a car a day or two earlier , he was in fairly bad shape . Apprentice Emily had been upstairs cleaning his wounds when she resurfaced on the ground floor . Evidently the idea of wiggling white worms in mass numbers causes most people to cringe . I stomach this better than seeing the sawed off head of a horse staring at me from a bucket in the freezer , so I volunteered . We used fluid - filled syringes to force out the maggots . Boy , did those maggots keep on coming . They gushed out by tens then hundreds until a total of nearly three hundred had washed out of the crevices of this poor creature . Tarantulas have the same effect on me that maggots have on most other people . At the sight of them , my skin turns in on itself , a hair - raising tickle creepy - crawling up the length of my body . I thought I would never see a tarantula again until my return to Ecuador . Then I ended up in Texas , one of only a few states in the U . S . that provides suitable territory for these hairy beasts . My primary goal while in Kendalia was to avoid tarantulas at all costs . I escaped with only photos and stories of sightings by others . As it turns out , I should have been more concerned about the scorpions . One night around eleven , I answered the 24 - hour hotline about a deer needing rescue . Groggy and donning my pajamas - and needing to be at work in just seven hours - I opened the door to my trailer . A staff member was driving by while doing the clinic closing rounds , so I put my hand over the mouth of the phone to call out to her . But as I leaned out the door , one of my bare feet stepped over the threshold and above the door step , landing directly on a baby scorpion . The pain from its sting was instant , hurting more than a bee sting . Especially with my luck , my foot happened to find one of the itty bitty scorpions who have more toxin than the adults . I screamed wildly , mixing the pain with anger , sleepiness and frustration . Evidently , I threw the phone down because when the staff member came running toward me , I noticed her peering through the open doorway . The phone lay on the floor inside , the battery rolling next to it . Okay , okay , so I over - reacted to the scorpion sting , but can you blame me ? It hurt , I 'll tell you that much . However , after three hours of constant ice in the form of frozen vegetables , the pain was gone . Unfortunately , I still had my disheveled appearance and beaten pride to remind me of the episode . At the juvenile stage , opossums are running about . Once on a solid diet , they were ready for release upon reaching a certain size and weight , approximately the size of a human hand . Many well - intended people brought us a juvenile they thought was orphaned due to its small size , when , in fact , it was perfectly equipped to be out on its own . Embarrassment , however , does not come easily for me . This is one reason why I take it upon myself to be publicly foolish , with or without a stage . The weekly karaoke nights at a local bar in Blanco , the next town over , provided me spotlight opportunities to do just this . Really , I 'm all about having a ( level - headed ) good time . My karaoke escapades included covering for a co - worker who gave up mid - way trying to sing a Spanish song . I had never heard the song before but I understood the lyrics , so I made up my own tune while acting out the words I sang . I also surprised myself and many others by serenading my then - boyfriend with " Kiss the Girl " in the Jamaican accent of Sebastian the crab from Disney 's The Little Mermaid . I do not flaunt PDA so I really confused the boy on how to respond to the serenade . ( Come on , people . You know me . It was all G - rated . ) And perhaps my favorite , I performed my signature literal interpretation song and dance to a triage of hit karaoke tunes . On my birthday , I was so entranced by the music that I closed my eyes and bounced up and down while belting out the lines of " It 's Raining Men . " That 's when I bit the microphone . It was bound to happen . My mouth was open and I lost my balance , eyes closed , all that jumping , when my teeth came slamming down on the mike . The crowd of regulars hooted and howled . Me ? Well , I kept on singing and dancing . When I was in Ecuador , I fell asleep to the deafening sounds of insects buzzing about the rainforest canopy . In Europe , my head hit the pillow amidst hushed whispers of fellow backpackers determining their morning plans . At WRR in Texas , I closed my eyes to the sound of a rescued African lion roaring in the hills nearby . I can 't think of many places around the globe where a lion lulls you into a reverie , but little Kendalia , Texas is certainly one of them . As I worked my way up to " senior " status , more opportunities were extended to me , such as being able to assist with caretaking of the exotic animals . Most of the primates found sanctuary here after years of laboratory research at various facilities throughout the U . S . I guess I can 't blame the Rhesus macaques for being angry all the time . They had had it pretty rough , and while we tried to offer them a glimpse of paradise , their bodies and brains were still slaves to the haunted aftermath of a poor living environment . Many of the lemurs were ex - pets . Someone , somehow , discovered at some time that lemurs and domestic felines - your average household Fluffy - can , in fact , co - exist . And so , one of the enclosures housed two lemurs and a family of feral cats . One of the ring - tailed lemurs taught himself to mimic the typical cat " meow " so that you only had to look at him and make the noise to receive a similar response . Aside from ex - research and ex - pet animals , many of our sanctuary friends were retirees from zoological settings . One of the black bears was the retired mascot of Baylor University . Many of the moutain lions ( also called cougars or pumas ) were rescued from roadside zoos . The oldest mountain lion in our care came from a zoo that had deemed him " too old for public viewing . " It is not uncommon for zoos to follow the adage " out with the old , in with the new . " We gave this geriatric feline as much of a grandiose lifestyle we could . During my six month stay , his health began declining beyond more than just cataracts . The mountain lion stopped eating , ceased mingling with his lady friends , and spent practically every hour of the day sleeping . On one of my rounds with a staff member , Matt , we moved the other two cougars from the enclosure into the lock - out because the old guy was resting out of sight and needed to be checked on . He was expected to pass on any day , and so it came as no surprise when we discovered that he was no longer breathing . Matt and I lifted the heavy , limp body onto a tarp and dragged it to the front of the lock - out , where we gently laid it down so that the other mountain lions could investigate . Different species of animals have unique mourning rituals , with elephants perhaps having the most notable . As there had been three pumas living together in this enclosure , removing one without reason could disrupt the natural hierarchy and behavior of the others . Lying the old man within reach of his buddies would allow for these creatures to understand that he had died . Matt and I stepped out of the enclosure and observed their interactions . The females paced back and forth along the fence that separated them from the geriatric mountain lion 's corpse . They sniffed madly , taking deep inhalations of his scent . A few moans and whines escaped them as well , differing from the intimidating , high - pitched roar I was accustomed to hearing . About five minutes passed , and then both of the females backed away to resume more normal behavior . Matt and I took this as our cue that the goodbyes had been said , and it was time to remove the body from the enclosure . We radioed for the tractor and loaded this soft , majestic , lifeless animal into the backhoe . I took a moment to press my bony hand to the massive paw , with tufts of fur protruding through the cracks in the foot pads , a moment to smooth down the fur just between his ears . It was such a humbling few seconds , to be that close to an animal revered for its magnifcent stature and gait , cradling a head that housed the deadly fangs feared by regional night - hikers . If this animal stayed like this , bending to my affection and casting aside all wild instincts , I could see why someone would want him as a pet . " If only " is a clause that so many cling to , repeat , and eventually come to believe . Thankfully , I know better . Being reared by humans could never have extinguished that very basic , innate nature of the beast that lay within this body . If his heart were beating , he could rip my face off . And so I quietly regrouped from dreamland to join in the burial preparations .

I won 't have an ' office ' until June , when our one house guest moves out . The other house guest will probably be here forever due to the cancer diagnosis of someone else . For now , I 'm crammed at the end of the dining room table . Yes , I eat dinner with my computer . There 's no place else to go . The pediatrician called me today and wants us to check in with a neurologist . I 'm puzzled by that since the toddler ' graduates ' from Early Intervention this week , she 's done with PT ( for the moment ) and that leaves us with only OT . Granted , the neurologist we saw initially was a tool . I just don 't know what they will ' see ' now . The ped thinks the OT and PT notes will be helpful . I thought there wasn 't a diagnosis ? That we didn 't need neuro ? I am confused . I said we would do another neuro consult , but only with someone the ped knows and trusts because - - crazy fools that we are - - we would like to have a tool free medical experience . As for me . Tired but holding steady . So long as nothing goes wrong I won 't need steroids . Ha . That 's funny . In a sad way . The toddler has ' read ' her first complete book . By ' read ' I mean she knows some of the words and recalls the others from memory , but that 's how it starts . I am thrilled . Go reading ! The book was Go , Dogs , Go and I had thought it might be The One . Do you remember the very first book you ever read ? I don 't recall the title , but mine was about an unhappy King and he ends up on a fire truck in the end . I was inconsolable when my mom ditched all my ' baby ' books when I was at school one day . My first word was K - Mart at the age of four . I remember looking at the sign and , suddenly , all the letters made sense . I don 't think my parents even knew when I started to read . ( It quickly became obvious , though once I started burying myself alive in books . Being home with the flu in kindergarten gave me the luxury to go through books like candy . ) The toddler , on the other hand , I thought she would start last year when she was three . She knew all her letters and phonics before she was two . She had some words down by three and everything was in place , except she doesn 't thirst for it like I did . It 's not her raison d ' etre and it 's been very hard for me to let her mosey along at her own pace . I know , if she wanted to she could , but she 's ' meh ' on reading . I can 't fathom it myself , but she can 't stop genetics and she comes from a strong line of fairly early readers . Anyway , Friday sucked . What else can I say ? I ate at all the right intervals and still got really low blood sugar - y anyway . What was that about ? I 've had to lay down every day this week and rest until I can withstand being upright again . I did want to add that on Wednesday , the day that was my worst , I was short of breath as well . One of the big symptoms that tipped me into adrenal crisis panic and I didn 't mention it . Well , consider it mentioned now . I have no idea what 's going to happen next . Do you ? Up swing ? Down swing ? Flying pigs ? Suzanna had a question for me in the last post : " I can 't remember why you 're trying to avoid the steroids ? If you 're addison 's ( either primary or secondary ) then your adrenals don 't work on their own . They won 't come back to work normally will they ? " I avoid steroids because my adrenals aren 't just insufficient , they are the cray - cray shiznit . The best way I could describe it is I feel like my system ' stutters ' . It 's there and then it 's not . It 's there and then it 's gone . Not always for the same reasons , which makes it hard to predict and accommodate . I don 't believe I need daily steroids , but I ( clearly ) haven 't quite worked out what kind of dosing philosophy would keep me upright and prevent these mini - crashes . In a way , this is an improvement because I used to have a very direct cause and effect going . Now the cycle is stretched out , less immediate , harder to pinpoint . I 'm playing chicken with both hypo - and hyper - cortisolism at the same time . Not a fun three - way . I am also beginning to believe I will never be the same again . I 'm past the two year mark and still having problems . Does that spell full recovery for you ? It doesn 't for me . Not even close . And iron let me down . I thought it was a partial solution . Not so much . This past week was pretty serious . Much more serious than I would have believed possible at this juncture . I did not believe the idea of an adrenal crisis would even cross my mind without some kind of surgery or other major health trigger . For me to wonder if the ER was in my future was upsetting on many levels , to say the least . I did not take steroids on Thursday , which meant the day mostly sucked ass . I didn 't forget to eat , but I still hit the low sugar hell because I didn 't have time to eat . At least I recognized what was happening early on and ate as soon as humanly possible . Part of the reason I ran out of time was the fatigue made life go in slow motion , only it didn 't slow down the clock one second . I just couldn 't move fast enough to fit in lunch . By noon , I was a wilted flower , too tired toPosted by Yesterday was bad . Really bad . I thought I was going to have an adrenal crisis . I forgot to eat , my appetite was so non - existent . I got a clue when the relentless nausea kicked in . God , I hate low blood sugar . It 's such a bitch . You would think evolution would program us to be hungry , but no , I have to spoon feed myself , talking myself into each bite as if it 's poison until enough food hits my blood stream to kill the nausea . I thought that was the worst of it , that I 'd gotten a clue and handled things . Then the stomach pain started . With heavy weakness and fatigue . At my paid volunteer gig , I sat down to serve families their food . I was too weak to stand . I thought I would have to leave . I thought I was going to hurl . After hours of burning abdominal pain , I thought I was going to end up in the ER with an adrenal crisis . I became frightened . I forced more food down my throat and that seemed to help . I sat as much as I could at work , unable to hide how much I struggled . Not knowing what to say when people asked if I was okay . Things did gradually feel less imminent . I survived work and went to bed early . Today I 'm trying to go steroid free . There is some residual stomach pain and I 'm sure fatigue will be an issue , but maybe this is behind me ? Maybe it was just a bad bout of low blood sugar after dropping from 10 to 5mg ? Yesterday was not happening with 5mg so I bumped up to 10mg and that pretty much got me going , although I think I could 've done better on an even higher dose . But higher is not the direction I want to go . Today I am trying 5mg . I woke up feeling better this morning whereas yesterday I couldn 't really tell a difference . So let 's hope 5mg is sufficient and that tomorrow is steroid free . I dropped a few pounds with this last round so justified some ice cream therapy last night when my appetite returned . However , Ben and Jerry 's has cheaped out on its quality and it really wasn 't worth it . Once again , I 'm waiting for the Geek Squad to come and repair my fridge . This is their third visit . We still don 't have the right parts . I notified them yesterday of that salient tidbit and they didn 't call to reschedule . They 'll be arriving only to turn around and leave any second now . We watched the first two episodes of Game of Thrones season two last night . I almost have the accent down - - I tend to pick them up , last year , I had the southern drawl going from True Blood . It makes for good comedy as I do ' bits ' . Hubby almost snorted Listerine out of his nose last night as I launched a monologue while he brushed his teeth . That got me kicked out of the bathroom . Watch out , my accents will hurt you . I became rather sick yesterday after I hit publish on the last post . Once again , I managed not to throw - up , although it occurs to me that piece of luck won 't last forever . My body hit the eject button , but I just refused to cooperate and somehow won . I was sick in other ways though , so not a total win . I took 10mg . Not sure if it was enough , but I went right to bed and about six hours later , I was okay to watch the last two episodes of Game of Thrones . So long as I sat , I was fine . The second I moved , an aching weariness pressed against me like a wet blanket . Main symptoms were profound fatigue and GI upset . A little bit of flank / back pain . Did not check BP , but would suspect it went from low to high , influenced by the adrenaline surge of my body wanting to throw up . No clue how today will go , but I took 5 mg and I will avoid Maroon 5 . ETA : Ended up with 10mg as 5 was not enough . Today was better , but then I did the boogie - woogie to Maroon 5 and now I 'm tired . I would like to not take steroids , so we 'll see how it shakes out . I think there 's some GI weirdness brewing just to keep things fun . But who cares ? Not when you can be obsessed with Game of Thrones . We are almost done with season one . I have been reading the synopses of the various novels in the series . It 's rather ugly once you delve into it . The Science Fiction and Fantasy genre ( genres ? ) have misogynistic roots . I 've met a few of the old guard at various conventions and we need a new word to describe them as pervert doesn 't quite cover it . So I should not have been shocked at the p edophilia and r ape and general abuse of women in the novels . But I am . Probably because quite a bit of it has made it onto the screen in HBO 's adaptation of the novels . It 's in my face and I don 't like it . In the books , a thirteen - year - old is married off and r aped . On - screen , they made her sixteen and faded to black just as he began to r ape her . The thing that squicks me out is you know the producers had to decide how old was okay tor ape a character without causing an uproar . And they came up with sixteen . Ugh . Second , there 's a scene in the first season with naked children outside a brothel that procures young boys for older men . It 's a quick scene , but it really bothered me . What do those parents say to their kids when they are old enough to watch it ? I googled to see if anyone else caught it and not one complaint . Why do I watch it ? The political intrigue is fascinating and the actors are fantastic , and sadly , it 's fairly representative of the genre 's treatment of gender issues . This is what 's out there for those of us who like the genre . The few authors with a more sensitive approach to gender , didn 't pack their work with raunchy , taboo sex , so no HBO deals for them . Took 5mg this morning . I could not get out of bed . Could not wake up . We missed church because I am the motor of the family , if I don 't move , no one else does . Once I finally heaved myself upright , 5mg seemed like salvation . Only , as usual , I should 've gone for 10mg . But sometimes I think it 's all made up , that it 's all a lie my body tells me , so I hesitate to take too much in case it 's a mistake . However , 5mg got me up and dressed , out for lunch and to the grocery store as if nothing had ever happened . Now I 'm batch cooking . Soup . Chicken . Almond muffins . Making the hubby 's lunch for the week as he 's decided to low carb too now . Between oven timers , I rest because shortchanging the dose allows me to power through , but not power up . Definitely early to bed tonight . Not sure what tomorrow will be . New pill pack starts tonight , so maybe that will put me right for a while . Today is getting bad enough that steroids are showing up in the crystal ball . I 'm going to try and do without , try to suck it up . However , if I wake up this bad tomorrow ? It would be prudent to stress dose . Why is this a pattern now ? Inquiring minds want to know . On the positive side : 1 . We 've discovered Game of Thrones and have the glorious luxury of watching the first season all at once . The hubby has never read epic fantasy , while I cut my teeth on the stuff - - heck , I 'm actually writing one now . Why , I don 't know , but I am , and I mostly wish I wasn 't because it 's a ton of work , but I digress . It 's interesting to watch him experience it without knowing the genre tropes . Also , I am wondering if Lord Snow is not Stark 's bastard , but actually the child the queen lost ? And why isn 't anyone making an HBO series of David Edding 's work ? Or Marion Zimmer Bradley ( and not Avalon , the Dark Over books ) ? Oh wait , not enough sex in those stories . Game of Thrones has lots of sex . Okay , I get it now , but that 's just wrong . I hate how our culture can 't value a story unless there 's acres of boobage and assery . 2 . I bought some pants . I am between sizes in my closet . Stuck between too big and too small and the scale just doesn 't show me any love these days . There 's not much on - hand for the size I am currently , I would guess the last weight loss cycle didn 't stall quite so long at this point and that I just * whooshed * right into my skinny size . I 've lost patience and decided I can 't just wear the same capri pants all Spring / Summer . At least not without wearing holes in them . So I splurged . Go figure , I 'm between sizes in the store too ! Ha ! I did find some casual capris / crops and maybe I can lose the five or so pounds it would take to fit into the one pair of dressier pants since the next size up is gain - twenty - pounds too big . If the scale ever moves in my favor again , I 'll go back and buy them and I should be all set . It pleases me immensely to build a wardrobe for the warmer months . One , I like shopping with the toddler in tow , we mesh well aPosted by Ah crap . I log in and Blogger has done things . New fangled things that make no sense to me because I don 't think in technology , I think in swear words . If you 're reading this , I overcame the odds and figured out how to post . A little one was doing that hunched over ' I can get air in , but not out ' squat . Immediately I knew they had asthma as I 've assumed that position many a time myself . If it 's bad enough , I 'll punch myself in the stomach to try and force the air out . I call it the diaphragm Heimlich maneuver . Of course , being in a low income area , there 's no inhaler . Not much medical care to speak of for these folks , but sibling said the little one has been hospitalized in the past . So I paid close attention and just tried to talk them through it , hoping it would give way . Yesterday , my body was tired . My energy was okay , but my legs just wanted to rest . So I went for a power walk . That was not so smart . The zombie shuffle made an appearance and I became tired enough to struggle with the stairs to the toddler 's bedroom . Over night , the small muscles of my feet were a mosh pit of cramps . The pill pack ends tomorrow . That makes me nervous because last month was awful . Today I will rest . Due to scheduling conflicts , no exercise until at least Thursday . The seemingly unrelenting ice rain and snow finally stopped and we woke up to 1000 % humidity and sun this morning . So , of course , it sounded like a good idea to go for a 2 mile hike with the toddler . Once she started screaming and needed to go potty , our perspective changed somewhat . Thankfully , the pictures don 't come with sound . Before we even got very far , the wind blew off my hat ! The hubby rescued it and we enjoyed nature 's beauty . . . These are the stairs I like to run - - we 're about 1 / 3 of the way up here . We just did them once today since the toddler is not up for 400 - 600 stairs ( I 'm probably not up for it either , truth be told ) . The toddler got a little trippy as she fatigued at the end of the walk ( the volume of the shrieking increased too ) but at least we know to anticipate it now . We made sure she held our hands so she didn 't fall . After that , we came home and had small portions of Breyer 's Carb Smart ice cream ( I always feel like I have to clarify that I 'm not , like , gorging on gallons of Ben and Jerry 's , at least not all the time ! ) . Hubby and I managed to sneak in an episode of Sherlock Holmes . Asthma was good today and energy was decent - - the toddler keeps hikes slow enough it 's not really an exercise in anything but my patience . Lastly , I 'm revamping the salad ebook , trying to improve the cover ( not sure if I have ) and adding a photo with every recipe . Also , this kind of proves what I stated earlier , if you are low carbing correctly , you are eating a lot of veggies . ( Note : If you want to buy a copy , wait a few days for the new book file to upload . ) Here 's the Greek salad : The Tex - Mex flank steak salad with the jalapeno chutney : And this was a simple salad I made that 's not in the book because there 's no recipe . Just tomatoes , lettuce , mozzarella balls with balsamic glaze . This is pretty much how we eat this time of year . . . fresh greens , veggies , and protein . My one house guest has reported weight loss with just the occasional low carb dinner at my house . Oh to be twenty - something again with a normal metabolism ! Exercise yesterday did not go so well . There was a cat at a play date , which confirmed that yep , I 'm still allergic . The ol ' asthma hack started pretty quick . A walk / run later was preceded by albuterol that didn 't do much . My lungs seized up anyway and , despite more albuterol , didn 't relax enough for me to do anything but a slow walk . * I came home and messed around with a Wii fit thing . That went okay , it wasn 't too aerobic . But then the adrenal stuff came into play . Very tired . Very cold and unable to get warm . I went to bed as soon as the toddler was asleep . We 'll see how today goes . By the way , I stopped at the drug store to get a spacer , having identified the model I wanted online . Oddly , I can buy spacers like an addict online , but in real life ? You need a prescription . So dumb . * This reminds me of the time I lived in Central America and stayed at a boarding house with two Navy Seals sent down to learn Spanish . Two gorgeous hunks of men . I went running with them , despite not being a runner and having uncontrolled asthma - - they were hot enough to inspire stupidity . So off we went , running along a dormant volcano . My left lung completely seized up and swelled shut not even a quarter of a mile in . It was so weird , because the right side was fine , but I couldn 't get any air movement on the left . Of course , I had to stop and gasp my way home because my stupid lung had a wedgie . In front of hard core Navy Seals . So wimpy . So humiliating . They were amazing guys . Too bad my lungs couldn 't keep up . The editing isn 't going well , so hello . Here I am at my favorite procrastination spot . Someone died yesterday and I officially think my life qualifies as a natural disaster of late . The evidence : 1 . Someone hit our car and ran , leaving us with the deductible . The irony is this was the same lot where someone accused us of hitting their car years ago . They got a full police investigation , which included a home visit to inspect our bumper for paint . Since we didn 't hit anyone , we were exonerated by the lack of evidence and they moved on . When someone hits us , no one cares . We got a shrug and a form to fill out . 2 . Hubby broke his rib . 3 . Toddler stomach flu . 4 . Relative with cancer . 5 . Another relative just passed on . Unexpectedly . 6 . Our state - of - the - art fridge is on the fritz and requires repair . Contrary to popular belief , more computer chips do not make everything better . Personally , I want appliances with fewer things that can break . 7 . The dryer is sparking . Granted , I have no right to complain as it belonged to my grandmother and has outlived her . The thing dates back to the 80s , but does it have to blow up right now this very second ? Really ? All I can say is , I bet my super expensive * , extra smart computer fridge would never last more than a decade . ( By the way , you do know the Gremlin Effect is real , right ? I think I have a double dose . ) 8 . My book was filtered and all the income I 'd built vanished overnight . 9 . Tons of expensive car repairs . Not unusual in and of themselves , it 's more the way they gang up on us in clusters . It 's the brakes , steering and sensors all at the same time - - like they were programed to fail together . We get the car out of the shop only to turn around and book another appointment . One car will be done only to have the other one need a bunch of work and our cars aren 't old ! By the way , my hubby realized we never renewed the tags on the minivan possessed by the spirit of my dead grandfather . Only took him six months of driving it to notice . Oy . 10 . Power surge took out the cable modem and the power cordPosted by I don 't know why I 'm posting every day of late , although the big pile of dreaded editing giving me the hairy eyeball likely explains it . Anything but that . The asthma is not controlled . It 's yanking me out of sleep with symptoms . Not sure what the cause is other than the weather has been up and down a lot . Yesterday we had snow . My spacers died . Note the plural . Yes , they both died at the same time . Apparently , rubber / silicone cracks after a decade . I have yet to replace them because I really like their design and they don 't seem to be available anywhere . So that may be a factor in the poor control as well . Especially considering I 'm having a hard time inhaling fully until about noon . It 's unpleasant , but not serious . It serves only to alarm physicians who are stuck with me as a patient and make daily life more irritating for me . It will go nowhere because my main trigger is not present - - no germs on board makes for mild asthma . The toddler fell down the stairs yesterday . She 's scraped and bruised , but fine . Just to stay on theme , my attack furniture impaled my hip as I rushed to her . And all I can say is I felt a sense of victory that it wasn 't my knee . Our house guest has noted the toddler falls a lot . So we are not yet to where it 's at a normal , not worthy of commentary level . Fatigue is a trigger . The day she had Tae Kwon Do ( which is an adult work out , I would huff and puff in that class ) , walked a mile and ran the playground , she began falling and tripping all over the place . Three bloody scrapes in total . My fatigue is still there , but the iron supplements definitely blunt it . I really think I had maybe slipped into anemia there for a second . It would also help if the toddler would sleep past 7am . She used to sleep until 8 : 30 , but now with daylight savings time we are up at the equivalent of 6am . Ow . We are working on a cancer care package . So far , a soft , warm blanket , a bag to carry it and a plan to buy lots of favorite candies that aren 't available where they live . Hubby wanted to arrange a visit , but the surgePosted by Someone close to us got a devastating cancer diagnosis yesterday . Invasive cancer . Surgery next week . 40 . Why do the reminders that life is a precious gift have to hurt so much ? Today we are home , having one of our patented ' pajama days ' as the toddler has boogies . I am okay . The usual tired , but okay . How dare I complain ? Last week , I ordered a bunch of glow - in - the - dark stars and we finally got around to slapping ' em up on the front door this morning . Eventually , we will have a glow - in - the - dark party with the neighbor kids . After that we watched Youtube videos about space . I told the toddler everyone has bits of star dust in them , we are all part star . That Mars is red because of iron and we also have iron inside us . We are all a part of the whole , always connected , never lost from each other . We just don 't get to choose the form that connection takes . Energy today has been in the toilet . And flushed . Twice . Bah humbug . I 'm blaming it on sugar overload . Only I actually didn 't eat that much , but there was a piece of cake . Not even close to being a lot . Went for a walk last night , Not my smartest move as my stomach and back hurt , but I survived . I wasn 't aware how crap I felt until I did that walk and then I was like ' oh , wait . ' I 'm going to push out a work out today in the hopes of it helping me shake this fog of fatigue . Wake up already ! UP I say . UP ! I think the iron supplements are helping , although it 's only day 5 , so pretty early to attribute anything to them . I just remember the last time I was iron deficient , it took about a week of supplements to notice an improvement . In case anyone is wondering , as it seems low iron goes hand - in - hand with adrenal stuff , anemia is about 30 % of the fatigue with 70 % being the adrenal piece . So iron supplements will definitely give you a boost , if you need them . I worked out fairly regularly last week , around the days where I was just flat - out exhausted . I 'm still struggling with how to approach fitness when I 'm constantly interrupted by one stupid thing or another . I 'd like to be consistent , it 's just very difficult to push myself when I 'm sick or injured or absorbed in a project . And I hesitate to get too ambitious now because I know the elliptical will be pulled out from under me the second I get anywhere . Maybe that 's defeatist , but it also happens to be true . For the record , I did an interval walk / run yesterday and today I have significant GI symptoms . It might just be something I ate or I may be on the slide down , we 'll see . Easter was fun , but hectic . We barely saw the hubby who tore down one wall on the garage and rebuilt it from the ground up . As I whined to him , we didn 't do much together as a family with the holiday weekend . There wasn 't much down time and lounging around as a family , which I missed . The toddler forgot her Easter basket would be in the basement and sobbed hysterically until we reminded her . I 've been stockpiling for her basket since January and the big hit was a hand - me - down pop - up tent with lounge chairs for her to play fort in . I did have a chocolate bunny for her , but she 's been getting so much candy from everyone else , I left it out of the basket and just did presents . Small things like books . She went through her basket with exclamations of glee and then looked at me and said , " Where 's the candy ? " I blamed the Easter Bunny . I told her he didn 't eat enough vegetables to poop out jelly beans for everPosted by I tried Chia seeds for the first time . Added them to my green tea . They have no taste that I can discern ( although we 'll see what I say the next time my super nose hits ) but they gel into goopy clumps . Definitely a slime texture and I 'm not sure how I feel about it . Allegedly Chia seeds were the emergency rations for Aztec warriors . Huh . They are also supposed to be super nutritious , but I read the label and eh . . . not impressed . I think Chia seeds fall into the category of ' First World nutrition options . ' Because only people with money would take a food from a nation that no longer exists and turn it into a superfood fad . As for the green tea , I 'm kicking my Coke Zero habit . Again . For , like , the umpteenth time . At one point , hubby told me to not worry about it , given everything else . He thought it was too much . I considered his opinion and ended up agreeing with him . However , now it 's time to be done with it . For good . I think I 'm doing okay today . Still low appetite though - - wasn 't hungry enough to remember lunch . Didn 't even feed the toddler , but that 's more because her buddy came over and she didn 't care about food . I kept giving them snacks to kind of try to wedge a lunch between finger painting , stickers , playdoh and escalating conflicts due to the fact four - year - olds are selfish little pirates . Today kind of sucked . I have a few theories as to why . One is sugar overload . I didn 't eat much yesterday and what I did eat consisted of cookie dough , cookies and icing . I hosted the neighborhood kids for Easter cookie decorating - - a practice I 'm reconsidering since the mess of sprinkles was so prolific , I had to vacuum the table before wiping it off . ( The 12 year old boy did look like he would be willing to lick the table cloth clean , but the little bit of hoovering of sprinkles he did off his plate sort of squicked me out . ) So theory 1 is sugar hangover . Theory 2 is I did another strength workout . Very light . I 'm trying so so so hard to take it slow . I only added 10 more squat reps to the workout . This is not aggressive exercise . At all . It 's like having a mini marshmallow kick your ass . That would be the exercise hangover theory . I revisited the ' too weak to push the shopping cart ' and the sad zombie shuffle today . Blood pressure was perfect - - not low , not high - - so I have no idea why I felt so woozy and off kilter . The whole week has just been crappy . Other symptoms in the line up : complete absence of hunger , abdominal / flank pain , limb weakness . I haven 't taken any steroids because I 'm going with theory 1 , although , if I can 't get myself together by tomorrow I will have to consider 5mg . As for B12 levels , that would be just way too easy . I supplement anyway , having learned that lesson the last time I suppressed in 1998 . Adrenals need Bs . I went to a talk on medicinal eating given by a local herbalist turned MD . Coincidentally , they are involved in the cultural shamanic tradition I was associated with via my parent 's marriage into a rather elite , whack - a - doo family . ( Yes , there are jet - set shamans out there . At least one . ) I can 't tell if that 's a good or bad sign . However , the last pulmo was also involved with this culture and they were fabulous . So it could be good . I 'm a little superstitious at times , in case you haven 't noticed . Always trying to read the tea leaves . And yes , I had a strange childhood . Shrunken heads in the linen closet and all that jazz . Christian minister on one side and indigenous shaman with a PhD on the other . Psychedelic . So , while I disagree with this alternative MD 's advocacy of vegan raw foodism and they don 't like low carb , it might be interesting to see what they have to say about my situation . Maybe there 's an herb for that . PS : Feeling better today although the asthma is all over the place for some reason . I had to break out the albuterol even . What a strange , nebulous week . I think I 'm just out of whack and it 's possible that at least half of me got left behind three dimensional planes ago . Anyway , ended up taking 7 . 5 mg , which was a wee too much . 5mg would 've been better . It helped , but then I had that edge of too much . Went to bed super early , the second the toddler was asleep I crawled under my covers . Today , just worn out , but not planning on taking any steroids . Wish I had better news . I think I 'm going to try more iron and see if that gets me anywhere good . Maybe I 'm more low iron than usual ? As for potassium , it gets checked because of the blood pressure medication and it 's fine . No easy answers , I 'm afraid . Someone posted this on an old blog post : " I have hypopituitism caused by a prolatinoma of the pituitary gland . My pituitary is not producing any ACTH so my adrenals are mainly shutdown . I take 20mg of Hydrocortisone but suffer from Chronic fatigue which has lost me my job . I also take thyroxine . Would a switch to prednisolone help with fatigue better than Hydrocortisone ? I understand Pred . has an affinity for Corticosteroid Binding Glubulin whereas Hydrocortisone has not , so Pred . would give a reserve when needed . Can anyone advise me or suggest some other means of treatment ? Ideally if I could get ACTH on prescription it could slowly stimulate and revive my atrophied adrenals , but I understand this is not an option . " And my answer is I have no idea other than to say some people do better and worse on different steroids , but it 's all anecdotal . Try some of the forums linked in the ' post a comment ' screen . My work out yesterday consisted of 15 minutes of windmilling my arms and doing a few squats , followed by a slow walk with the toddler and our geriatric black lab . 7 / 10ths of a mile . Nothing egregious . I 'm tanked today . Just wiped . Although it was just a crazy busy day - - very high impact on the stress meter , so that may have compounded things . For recordkeeping purposes : - Lots of cramps in my feet , hands and stomach overnight . - Up peeing 4 times during the night ( this is something that manifests with adrenal insufficiency . I haven 't really mentioned it here , but it 's pretty consistent and improves when I feel less adrenal . ) - Burning adrenal pain that woke me up multiple times over the course of the night . - Lethargic limbs , weakness . I was reading back over the archives and I would have to say I really haven 't had as much progress as I thought . There was that stomach flu and the times where I had some ' bounce ' to my system , but it appears my bounce has bounced away . As an experiment I might try 2 . 5mg , just to see . That should be low enough that if it tips me over into hypercortisolism it won 't be too bad . I keep hoping tomorrow will be better , I keep trying to believe that today was better than yesterday , but I think it might be time to admit things are not going as well as my capacity for denial likes to pretend . Last I was here , I said I felt like I was getting sick . The usual array of low immunity symptoms had hit , but I wasn 't sure why . It wasn 't like I had done anything . I took 20 , 000ius of D3 , 75mcg of Zinc and 1000mg of C and improved . There seemed to be a distinct cause and effect between those vitamins and feeling better . I no longer felt as if a cold lurked in the shadows of a dark alley , just waiting to shake me down . The next day I had a little bit of lingering sore throat and congestion , but I did my anti - bug cocktail again and now I 'm attempting exercise . The bruise on my knee is starting to go grey and I 've been walking okay for a few days . Given the lack of other health weirdness , it seems like a good time to squat . The toddler and I are also going to take the black lab for a short walk . The GERD has calmed down . My asthma is relatively well controlled ( it 's been iffy ) . So thumbs up . I 'm categorized as a severe persistent asthmatic * and I have a history of HPA axis suppression due to steroids used to treat the asthma . Doctors miss the HPA axis suppression every time and actively fight me on it . I 've had am cortisols of 1 and 6 and ACTH of less than 5 , yet the doctors still can 't get on board . The medical myopia and general lack of adrenal knowledge is horrifying . How did I ever get diagnosed ? I took premed classes for 2 years ( during a health upswing ) and figured it out . I thought since previous rounds of suppression have been so well documented , I wouldn 't have a problem again . I was wrong . I 've been fighting the current round of Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency since March 2010 . It has eviscerated my ability to work and to function as a normal human being . Which sucks since I have a toddler who just wants her momma to play with her . * eh . . . I bet it 'll go back to moderate persistent , once the excitement of last year 's hospitalization dies down . This blog contains affiliate links which means I earn a small commission if you shop on linked sites . This does not cost you money . I do not receive any funds or free samples or other corporate enticements - - all affiliate links are products I use myself .

This book continues my journey through the classics of pulp fiction . ( See also " Sherlock Holmes " , " The Martian Trilogy " , " The Insidious Dr . Fu - Manchu " , " Conan the Barbarian " ) . In fact , I read somewhere on the internet that " The Scarlet Pimpernel " is considered the first real antecedent of today 's modern superhero , so this book ties in with my interest in comic books as well . To my disappointment , there wasn 't as much swashbuckling in this book as I was hoping for . In fact there was barely any . Most of The Scarlet Pimpernel 's exploits took place off stage , and the camera lens ( so to speak ) of the writer 's pen stays almost exclusively focused on our heroine Margaret Saint - Just , and takes place at ballroom dances and Opera houses . ( Saint - Just is the maiden name of the book 's heroine , as well as the surname of her loving brother , Armand . It 's an odd choice of names for a book as anti - revolutionary as this , considering Saint - Just was also the name of one of the more infamous Jacobin radicals , and Robespierre 's right hand man . As Baron Orczy must no doubt have known . ) Margaret Saint - Just is the queen of London 's fashionable society . She attends the best parties and wears the finest dresses . She often hears stories of the deeds of the Scarlet Pimpernel , and admires his daring while she wonders what his true identity might be . She is also confused about her husband , and wonders why he seems so cold and distant and dull . The second half of the book takes place in France , where Margaret journeys to France to try and warn the Scarlet Pimpernel of the French police who know his identity . Margaret is captured by the French soldiers as they are hunting the Scarlet Pimpernel . The soldiers are led by a mysterious Jewish man , who claims to know the Scarlet Pimpernel 's hide out . The Scarlet Pimpernel himself ( who is well - known to be a master of disguises ) is nowhere to be seen . Once again , I think most readers will figure out what is going on long before Margaret does . ( Margaret Saint Just isn 't one of the most intelligent characters in the history of literature ) . And once again , it becomes a bit tiresome having to wait for several chapters until Margaret finally realizes what the reader knew all along . Although the Scarlet Pimpernel dons several disguises in the course of this book , nowhere does he ever appear in the infamous mask and cape that have become his trademark . Maybe that costume pops up in one of the many sequels . Or maybe it 's just a Hollywood invention . It has always been a feature of pulp fiction , especially superhero fiction , that the villain is the representative of everything evil , the hero the embodiment of everything good . This is perhaps all part of the fun when it 's Dr . Octopus battling Spiderman , but it gets a bit more problematic when the villains represent people from another country or another ideology . Especially when it is aimed at children . I picked up this book at the Oita Prefectural Library the last time I was in Oita City . This book is part of a larger series entitled : " World Leaders : Past & Present " . Since I checked out 7 books in this series , I 'll start by saying a few words about this series itself , before reviewing this book in particular . ( Hmmm . Bit of an odd cut off point there , 157 . Why not 294 , or 129 ? Perhaps there were other books in this series that came out later . Oita library only has through 1988 ) . Each book contains a 5 page introductory essay on leadership by Arthur M . Schlesinger , Jr . And it 's always the same introductory essay in every book , which can feel like a bit of a waste of paper when you have several books from this series in your library . The essay argues against the idea of historical determinism , and instead argues that : The 157 profiles of leaders chosen for this series are chosen in part to demonstrate this thesis . And I have to admit that whoever was in charge of this project did a great job of choosing some of the most fascinating people from history for this 157 list . It 's not just the usual suspects either , there are some really interesting names chosen . It makes me wish the Oita Library actually had the whole set , because I 'd love to read more about a number of these people such as Sun Yat - sen , Robert Mugabe , Che Guevera , Giuseppe Garibaldi , Leon Blum , Willy Brandt , Oliver Cromwell , Lech Walesa , Leon Trotsky , Pericles , Daniel Ortega , Emiliano Zapata , Zhou Enlai , Layfayette , Anwar Sadat , Golda Meir , Yasir Arafat , et cetera . They 're classified as Juvenile Literature in the publication data , and Young Adult literature on the back cover . And indeed the picture book proportions ( about 25 cm by 20 cm ) of the book and large illustrations ensure that no self respecting businessman is going to be caught dead reading this in a coffee shop . However the short length and large pictures in this book aside , I didn 't find it a particularly easy read . There 's a lot of information packed densely into a small amount of space , and you have to read very slowly and carefully so as not to miss anything . Consider for example the passage on the beginning of " The Reign of Terror . " " Believing he had been ill treated by the Jacobins , Herbert presented himself to Paris as the new guardian against corruption . His sweeping program called for cracking down on suspects , trying the queen , and ridding the military of aristocrats . Followers of both Herbet and Danton wanted the Committee of Public Safety to take on more tasks and responsibilities . Under this pressure , the committee extended its control over the state . Danton resisted having anything more to do with the committee , although he urged it to expand its work . Couthon , Sechelles and Saint - Just were frequently away from Paris on various assignments and their absence left Robespierre to become the vital link between the National Convention and the busy committee . In September , the committee was joined by the more extremist supporters of the left : Jean - Nicolas Billaud - Varenne and Jean - Marie Collot d ' Herbois . The only moderate on the committee was the engineer Lazare Carnot , who quarreled bitterly with Saint - Just . " ( p 103 ) … Now is it just me , or is that a lot of information for your average " Young Adult " ( which is what ? 10 - 12 ? ) to absorb in one paragraph ? I 'm not saying the brighter ones couldn 't do it , but those kind of kids could probably go right into the regular length popular histories anyway . And as you can see from the quoted paragraph above , there 's also a lot of name dropping in this book - another side effect of cramming a lot of information in a small amount of space . Sometimes a name will be introduced briefly on one page , and then won 't pop up again until 50 pages later , at which time you 've completely forgotten who they are . Fortunately , there 's a good index to help you keep track of the names , but it still meant a lot of flipping back and forth for me . Interestingly enough , not one of the books I checked out in this series was written by a trained historian . This book on Robespierre was written by a Presidential speech writer . The book on Lenin was written by someone with a honors degree in classics who plays in a musical ensemble . The book on Queen Victoria is written by someone described simply as a " mother of three " . Robespierre was one of the first revolutionaries who exposed views on freedom and equality , and then became an absolute tyrant when in power . Unfortunately he was not the last . Lenin , Castro , Mao , Daniel Ortega , Robert Mugabe , and many others later followed his example . ( Many conservatives claim that Lenin , Mao , Castro , et cetera , became brutal dictators because they were communists , but Robespierre 's example shows that even republicans are not safe from the temptations of power . ) For example , I learned about the cases that Robespierre argued as a young lawyer . ( " Accustomed to living modestly , Robespierre took on cases that allowed him to display his high regard for social virtue and justice . " ( p . 33 ) ) I also learned that Robespierre started out as a poor public speaker , and at first was constantly overshadowed by Mirabeau . " When Mirabeau entered the chamber , other deputies drew away in disgust , but he nevertheless commanded their attention whenever he spoke . As for Robespierre , however , it was reported that on one occasion he was so flustered that he was forced to leave the rostrum in tears . Mirabeau gave more than 100 speeches from 1789 to 1790 . Robespierre managed to give fewer than 30 . " ( P . 62 ) . The French Revolution , with all its various stages and with all its competing factions , is a lot of information to cram into a small book like this . As a consequence , the book focuses mostly on the stages of the Revolution , and doesn 't go into detail on Robespierre 's life at this time . However the book does note his position on a number of issues . In short , Robespierre appears to be a reasonable man of pure democratic principles . He was considered radical at the time , but by the standards of today he stands as a moderate classical liberal . And then , he begins to lose his mind with power . I was , however familiar with the historical incident the film is based on , at least in broad terms . And so I had mixed feelings about renting this movie . Since I already knew what the outcome would be , I feared the movie would simply be a slow and boring 2 hours as it retread old ground . Especially since the last movie I rented about Marie Antoinette I found pretty dull . But , after some debating with myself at the video store , I decided to rent this movie and give it a chance . " The Affair of the Necklace " is the story of an extremely expensive diamond necklace , that was originally made for Madame du Barry , Louis XV mistress , and Marie Antoinette 's rival at court . By the time the necklace had been completed , Louis XV was dead , and Madame du Barry had been expelled from Versailles . The jewelers were desperate to find another buyer . Marie Antoinette refused , but a gang of swindlers were able to convince the dim - witted Cardinal Rohan that Marie Antoinette secretly wished him to purchase the necklace for her , and to act as a guarantor . Although I had been already familiar with the basic outlines of this story , I knew nothing about the gang of swindlers themselves . So I was able to learn a lot about their history and motives . ( A little research on wikipedia reveals this movie isn 't perfectly historically accurate . I guess here I 'll have to admit my ignorance . The acting is pretty good in this movie as well . Christopher Walken does a good job as Count Cagliostro . Adrian Brody is brilliant as Nicholas de Lamotte , the estranged husband of Jeanne , portraying him as the perfect lovable scoundrel . It was filmed again a few years later as " Curse of the Werewolf " ( which I haven 't seen , but which is apparently not much more faithful to the original book than " The Werewolf of London " ) . This book had little to no direct influence on the Lon Chaney Jr . " Wolfman " movie , but perhaps indirectly paved the way by helping to make werewolf movies fashionable at the time . ( Or at least you can find some people on the internet arguing this . I 'm no expert myself . ) Lastly , and most importantly , the fall of the Paris Commune becomes very important to the theme of this book . This is revealed when the focus of the book shifts in a subtle , but very clever way , at the end . Up until the end of the book the reader is only concerned with the story of the werewolf , while the events of the Paris Commune are going on in the background . Aymar soon discovered that he was talking nonsense . The Commune shot fifty - seven from the prison of La Roquette . Versailles retaliated with nineteen hundred . To that comparison add this one . The whole famous Reign of Terror in fifteen months guillotined 2 , 596 aristos . The Versaillists executed 20 , 000 commoners before their firing squads in one week . Do these figures represent the comparative efficiency of guillotine and modern rifle , or the comparative cruelty of upper and lower class mobs . [ The werewolf ] it now seemed to Aymar was but a mild case . What was a werewolf who had killed a couple of prostitutes , who had dug up a few corpses , compared with these bands of tigers slashing at each other with daily increasing ferocity ! " And there 'll be worse , " he said , and again he had that marvelous rising of the heart . Instead of thousands , future ages will kill millions . It will go on , the figures will raise and the process will accelerate ! Hurrah for the race of werewolves . Many actual historical figures from the Paris Commune , like Raoul Rigault , the Commune 's head of police and Gustave Courbet , the Commune 's head of art , make appearances in this novel . The Picpus affair , in which the Commune discovered what appeared to be a secret prison and a secret graveyard in a Catholic Church ( an issue still somewhat controversial to this day ) is covered in detail . And Rigault 's famous conversation with a Jesuit priest is also faithfully recorded : Rigault examined them personally . " What is your profession ? " he asked a Jesuit . " Servant of God . " " God ? What is your master 's address ? " " He is everywhere . " " Write , " said Rigault to one of his secretaries . " So - and - so , styling himself servant of God . Citizen God , a vagabond without fixed address . " Guy Endore was a leftist , and blacklisted by Hollywood during the Red scares of the 1950s . This is perhaps yet another reason he chose the Paris Commune as a setting for his book . And yet he is not overly sympathetic to the Commune leaders , and tends to portray them mainly as out of control madmen and ego maniacs . However , as shown in one of the above quotations , he does make a clear distinction between the relatively little amount of blood shed by the Commune , and the large scale massacres conducted by the forces of Versailles . Because this book contains a lot of spoilers about the plot , it is meant to be read after first completing " Shogun " . However , since I was more concerned about the history than the drama , I found it useful to read this book concurrently with " Shogun " . Shogun is a very long book ( 1152 pages ) and it so full of historical Japanese politics and complex alliances that I was willing to sacrifice some of the suspense of the story in order to be able to sort out as I read how much of it was true and how much was fiction . " Learning from Shogun " is not a complete history lesson in 16th Century Japanese politics , but it is at least a good general overview . And for anyone who wants to delve further , there is a very thorough section on " Further Reading " . ( Although I suspect it 's a bit dated by now , but still … ) . By the same token , it was also interesting to read about how much Clavell got wrong . The whole theme of " Shogun " is based off of the culture clash between 16th century Europe and 16th century Japan , but as the writers of this book show , there 's a lot Clavell got wrong or misrepresented . For example 15th century England wasn 't quite as uptight about sex as Clavell makes out ( that came later during the Victorian period ) and neither was ancient Japan quite as free regarding the body and bodily functions . This book admittedly has a very limited audience ( probably one of the reasons it 's no longer in print ) . For one thing you have to have read " Shogun " first . Secondly you have to be enough of a historical geek to care about finding out which details are wrong and which are true . But if you fit that profile , like I did , then reading this book is worth the trouble it takes to track down a used copy . In non - insane countries , this would merit screaming headlines and congressional investigations , all leading to mass resignations if it turned out to be true . In America , it merits a few blog posts . ( Full article here ) It seems like all Japanophiles read this book sooner or later . Most of them sooner . So , I decided I might as well get it out of the way now . " Shogun " is loosely based off the story of William Adams , who was the first Englishman to set foot in Japan in 1600 . He wasn 't the first Westerner - - the Portuguese and the Spanish had beaten him by about 50 years - - but he was definitely the first Englishman , and he and his Dutch shipmates were the first Protestants . ( Much to the annoyance of the Portuguese Jesuit priests , who had already established churches in Japan ) . James Clavell is not an historian by trade , but he did a tremendous amount of research on 16th Century Japan for this book . And then he apparently decided not to write it strictly as a historical fiction , but to change everyone 's names , and write it as a pure fictional novel to give him more freedom with the characters . Thus William Adams becomes " John Blackthorne " . Tokugawa Ieyasu becomes " Toranga Yoshi " . Et Cetera . There are whole separate books written on what is true and what is fictional in " Shogun " . And in fact , I even read one of them . ( " Learning from Shogun " - - which I 'll review separately ) . In broad terms , Shogun simplifies the complexity of Japanese politics a little bit , creates a few characters that are amalgamations of 2 or more historical characters , condenses the action into a shorter time frame , and increases the importance and role of William Adams ( John Blackthorne ) to the struggle for the Shogunate . ( For example Clavell occasionally has his Japanese characters use Western gestures , like shrugging their shoulders . He also never really understands the difference between the Japanese words " Dozo " ( please receive ) and " Kudasai " ( please give ) . ( It 's surprising the publishers never had anyone with a knowledge of the Japanese language proofread this book before publication ) ) . If you 're enough of a geek to be concerned about the history , it 's always a good idea to read " Shogun " alongside a more historically accurate book . For example , I started reading " Shogun " at the same time I started reading " Samurai William " by Giles Milton ( which tells the real story of William Adams ) . Of course I finished " Samurai Williams " months ago , but I 'm only now finishing up " Shogun " . That 's partly because school intervened , and for 4 months I had almost no time for reading . And it 's partly because " Shogun " is a monster book at 1152 pages . There are , as the saying goes , wheels within wheels in this book . For example , the most obvious culture clash that dominates the whole book is the Japanese versus the Western barbarians . But the Western Barbarians are sharply divided into Protestant and Catholic camps . On the Protestant side , William Adams ( John Blackthorne ) is the only Englishman on an otherwise all Dutch ship , and his shipmates occasionally resent him for that . But the quarrelsome Dutch show just as much inclination to fight amongst each other . On the Catholic side , the Portuguese and the Spanish have arguments over whose domain Japan belongs in . The Jesuits and the Franciscans have arguments over the proper way to proselytize the Japanese . The church clashes with the Portuguese Navy and merchants over who has ultimate authority . And of course the Jesuits often argue among themselves . James Clavell is famous for his long books , and reading this my impression is that he is one of those writers incapable of writing a short book . There 's not a single flat character in " Shogun " . Every character who enters into the action , even the minor characters , are fully developed , have a back story , and have conflicting loyalties and motivations . Clavell thus pulls off a difficult feat for an historical novelist . Despite the various liberties he takes with the story , almost all of the characters end up with the same fates as their historical counterparts . And yet the story feels completely character driven . Even though the outcomes are predetermined by history , the reader never feels like the characters are pulled along by historical threads . Instead it feels like the characters are choosing their own destinies . In a novel , one is less inclined to put up with these things . Especially if all the names have been changed . The backstory of Goroda and Nakamura , as retold by Clavell , is true to their historical models of Nobunaga and Hideyoshi , but I somewhat resented having to read pages of historical backstory only to have to learnt names that were all wrong anyway . ( It is at this point that a companion book , such as " Learning from Shogun " becomes helpful to decode the fact from fiction . I 'll be reviewing that in my next post ) . This takes place very early on in the book ( P . 37 out of 1152 ) . John Blackthorne , the pilot , and his Dutch shipmates have just landed on some strange land , and are recovering from their scurvy and other sea illnesses . Blackthorne finds out that they are in Japan , and that the Catholics have already established there , and goes to report this to his shipmates . Notice in their conversation how the fact they 've arrived in Japan is only of secondary importance , almost like an afterthought , to their horror at finding themselves stranded in a Catholic domain : " Christ , Jesuit or Dominican , or what - the - hell - ever makes no muck - eating difference , " Vinck said . " We 'd better get back aboard . Pilot , you ask that Samurai , eh ? " " We 're in God 's hands , " Jan Roper said . He was one of the merchant adventurers , a narrow - eyed young man with a high forehead and thin nose . " He will protect us from the Satan worshipers . " " Yes , and if there 's one priest , there 's got to be others . " Ginsel licked dry lips . " And then their God - cursed conquistadores are never far away . " Van Nekk moved closer and dropped his voice . " If priests are here , and some of the natives are Catholic , perhaps the other part 's true - about the riches , the gold , and silver and precious stones . " A husk fell on them . " Did you see any , Pilot ? Any gold ? Any gems on the natives , or gold ? " " No . None . " Blackthorne thought for a moment . " I don 't remember seeing any . No necklaces or beads or bracelets . Listen , there 's something else to tell you . I went aboard Erasmus , but she 's sealed up . " He related what had happened , and their anxiety increased . " Jesus , if we can 't go back aboard and there are priests ashore and Papists … . We 've got to get away from here . " Maestukker 's voice began to tremble . " Pilot , what are we going to do ? They 'll burn us ! Conquistadores - those bastards 'll shove their swords … . " We 're in God 's hands , " Jan Roper called out confidently . " He will protect us from the anti - Christ . That 's His promise . There 's nothing to be afraid of . " This 1970 movie opens with what looks like the end . Napoleon 's lost the Russian campaign , and Paris is now surrounded by a coalition of British , Prussian , Russian , and Austrian armies . Napoleon is forced to abdicate , agree to exile in Elba , and the Royal family is restored to the French throne . ( Louis XVIII is played by Orson Welles , who appears to be well into his fat and grumpy years by this time ) . But 10 months later , Napoleon escapes from Elba , and returns to France . Louis XVIII sends an army out to capture him , but the troops refuse to fire on Napoleon , and join up with him . Then Napoleon is once again Emperor of France , and Louis XVIII has to flee . I don 't know enough to critique this movie , but it certainly felt like it was trying very hard to be accurate . As the armies clash , lose and gain ground over the field of Waterloo , the subtitles mention the time of the day this is going on , and identify which part of the battlefield the action is on . This gives the movie a very historical feel . The big problem with " Waterloo " is that the director seems to have been too ambitious for his own good . You get the impression watching this movie that he wanted to create the " Citizen Kane " of war movies . Something that would sweep the academy awards and be analyzed over and over again in film schools . But there 's a thin line between greatness and pretentiousness . A lot of the more inventive camera shots or angles just struck me as a director trying too hard . For example when Napoleon is confronted by Louis XVIII 's army after returning to France , he walks out slowly to talk to them with his hands held out . The camera zooms in and stays on his hand as he walks , then continues the close up as Napoleon puts his hand behind his back . And there were a lot more creative shots like this . Maybe I 'm just a bit of philistine about these things . I 'm sure a film school student would have appreciated it more . But it struck me as pointless . Also there 's a lot of overacting going on . At times you get the impression the actors think they 're on the stage acting out a Shakespeare play . An actor will start talking quietly , and then abruptly start shouting dramatically with their arms raised out in front of them , and then abruptly lower their voice again for dramatic effect . Plus this is a long movie . Not quite " Lord of the Rings " long , but over 2 hours ( long at the time ) . And a lot of the length of the movie seems to come from things like long zooming in shots , or dramatic silence between characters , or just a lot of other artsy things that could probably have been left on the cutting room floor . When the Battle of Waterloo finally begins , the battle scenes are exciting , but they 're nothing special either . Obviously in the 1970s they couldn 't compete with all the computer graphic battles of Hollywood today , but even by the standards of the times it seems a bit lacking . I remember watching " Spartacus " as a kid , for example , and those battle scenes can still hold their own against anything Hollywood has today . Probably because this movie was made during the height of anti - war feeling during Vietnam , there are a few scenes which seem inserted just to placate the anti - war crowd . The most obvious of which is when a young British soldier suddenly loses his cool during a battle , breaks out of formation , wanders around during the French cavalry charge shouting out repeatedly , " Why are we killing each other ? We don 't even know each other . Why must we kill each other ? " Now , given my pacifist politics , I have no problem with anti - war messages in movies . But this was a bit too cheesy even for me . Plus , it didn 't really fit with the rest of the movie , and felt like it had just been tacked on . Reading the wikipedia article , it appears this is actually a Russian film . Which is strange because it 's all done in English with American and British actors ( even the French characters speak English ) but I guess it was a foreign film that was aiming for a larger audience . This perhaps explains why the battle scenes can 't quite compete with Hollywood . ( That 's what I get for writing the review first , and doing my research second ) . It may also explain the different style of direction . This is , to the best of my knowledge , the only book about the anti - Vietnam War movement in Japan . ( The topic 's not virgin territory by any means . There are lots of articles in academic journals . But this is the only full length book that I 'm aware of ) . Japan was very much involved in the Vietnam War because the bases in Japan and Okinawa were used as launching points for the U . S . army . ( Okinawa was not returned to Japan until 1972 , and was essentially a US colony until then . ) Also Japanese manufacturers were very involved in the business side of the Vietnam War , and doing lots of trade with both the US and South Vietnamese army , and perhaps even supplying the materials for the US napalm bombs . Even after the threat of China joining the war diminished however there was concern that Japan 's involvement in the Vietnam War violated article 9 ( the no - war clause ) of their constitution . The nightly news showed images of the War , and many Japanese began to see parallels between the Americans in Vietnam , and their own quagmire in a guerrilla war in China 30 years earlier . As the American bombing campaign escalated , the Japanese , who had themselves experienced heavy bombing , began to sympathize with the Vietnamese people even more . There are a lot of contradictions and ironies concerning Japan 's involvement in the Vietnam War . Despite the tremendous opposition to the War at the citizen level , Japan 's economy prospered greatly as a result of the increased trade that the War created . Havens writes : " Possibly the greatest long term effect was also the most ironic : halfway through the war Japan replaced the United States as the leading economic power in Southeast Asia , so that one of America 's most reluctant allies ended up as the chief beneficiary of the eight - year war to save the Saigon regime . " This is a short book ( only 264 pages plus endnotes ) but it tries to cover a lot of ground . For example the book deals with the legal issues surrounding Article 9 of the Japanese constitution and its involvement in the war , the diplomatic issues with the United States , the opposition parties in the Japanese Diet and the parliamentary politics played out over the War , the economic side of the Vietnam War in Japan , the issues surrounding the return of Okinawa , the citizen opposition groups , newspaper editorials , Japanese reporters in Vietnam , public opinion and even Japanese pop music related to the anti - War movement . ( As a big fan of Japanese oldies , this book tries to answer a question I had been wondering about for years : with massive protests and anti - war sentiment in Japan , why were there no anti - war songs on the pop charts ? ) The style of the book is a bit on the dry side . It reads a bit like an academic paper which someone decided to publish as a book . But the subject material was fascinating enough to keep me interested . Although Haven 's book touches on a variety of issues ( see above ) the story of Beheiren forms the backbone of the narrative . The more radical student protests , that were paralyzing Universities and leading to pitched battles in the streets of Tokyo , are mentioned only in passing . This is partly because Beheiren was a one - issue organization , dedicated to ending the war in Vietnam whereas the student protests in Japan ( as in Europe and the US ) were not limited solely to Vietnam , but spurred on by an amalgamation of issues including University reform , opposition to tuition increases , and anti - establishment sentiment . Havens mentions how the Vietnam War destroyed America 's image in Japan . Despite the destruction of the Great War , in the years immediately World War II most Japanese people looked upon America as the great liberator and strong house of democracy and freedom . After the Vietnam War , most Japanese had a negative image of America . The parallel of America 's tarnished image after the Iraq debacle is , of course , all too obvious . I mentioned this book in my Tombo Times article , despite the fact that I hadn 't yet read it at the time . In my defense , I had fully intended to read it by the time I wrote the article . I had ordered it off of Amazon months previously , but kept getting messages that it was out of stock , or that they couldn 't locate a copy for me . After waiting over half a year , I switched my order to an older edition ( used copy ) and then immediately had a copy shipped out to me . This book was originally published in 1987 , and then later republished after 2000 . I 'm not sure if I missed any important updates by reading the older edition or not . I 'm also not sure if my frustrating experience trying to get a hold of a copy is unique or not . If you 're interested in the subject material , however , it is worth the trouble it takes to track down a copy . ( Movie Review ) This movie was flying completely under my radar when it first came out . I was vaguely aware that a movie with this title was playing in theaters , but I had absolutely no interest in seeing it . ( Despite being a comic book fan in my youth , I was , for better or for worse , exclusively a fan of the 2 major publishers , and bothered to look over at any of the minor companies like " Dark Horse . " My loss , I 'm sure . ) I first began to take an interest in this movie when " Pan 's Labyrinth " came out , and critics began comparing it to director Guillermo del Toro 's earlier work , " Hellboy " . ( I still haven 't seen " Pan 's Labyrinth " actually . It wasn 't out on DVD yet when I left the states , and I can 't find an English subtitled version in Japan . It 's on my list of movies to see someday , however ) . Now Hellboy II is out in theaters . And I 've been noticing it has been getting great reviews . ( Time magazine , which I have a subscription to out here in Japan , gave it a very nice write up , and again compared it to Guillermo del Toro 's earlier works - - read it here ) . As long as I 'm living out in the Japanese country side , it will be a while before I get around to seeing new movies like Hellboy II , but for the moment I thought I 'd content myself with picking up the original Hellboy from my video store . The very name of this movie assures that it would have been on the blacklist at the Christian schools I attended growing up . And indeed a small part of me did feel guilty for enjoying a movie in which a demon is the hero . But once you get past that hang up , it is a great ride . ( If one were inclined to become philosophical about this , I guess the whole premise of the movie does bring up some interesting issues about whether demons are irredeemably evil , or if they posses the power of free will just like humans . [ I remember Bork once explaining to me how The Rolling Stones anthem " Sympathy for the Devil " , another song hated by the Christian right , was actually a deep theological song about whether it waPosted by The weather forecast was for 35 degrees . Not exactly weather where you want to be out hiking around exploring a new city . More the kind of weather where you want to be sitting inside an air conditioned shopping mall browsing through some books . Oita City is the capital city for Oita prefecture . With a small handful of exceptions , almost all the capital cities in Japan have the same name as their prefecture . In Fukuoka prefecture , it is Fukuoka city . In Gifu prefecture , it is Gifu city . And in Oita prefecture , the capital is Oita city . Oita city is kind of like a poor man 's Fukuoka city . It 's not anywhere near as big or as impressive as Fukuoka city , but for those of us living in Oita prefecture it 's often a lot closer . And if you can 't drive all the way out to Fukuoka , Oita city can supply most of your big city needs . It 's got lots of stores , English books ( something you never take for granted in the Japanese country side ) a Starbucks , and it 's own nightlife scene . When I was originally envisioning this " Better Know a City " project , I told myself when I did get around to Oita city , I would get away from the city center and the shopping malls and do some exploring . And , once you get out of the downtown area , there is actually a bit of hiking to be found even within the borders of Oita city . ( This being Oita prefecture , you 're never far away from the countryside even in the capital city ) . But here I decided to compromise with reality . It was too hot to go hiking around . Last year I didn 't to a single " Better know a city " during the summer months , and instead spent every free day I had swimming at the waterfalls . This year , I decided if I was going to go to Oita city in the summer , I wouldn 't force myself outside . I 'd spend the whole day in air conditioned buildings , looking at books in the library and reading books in coffee shops . It was a compromise with myself . … And that 's more or less what I did . I 'll admit at the outset that this isn 't one of my more exciting " Better Know a City " s . Almost the whole day is me inside reading books . But , for what it 's worth , this is my day in Oita : Not taking the expressway , it 's about an hour and a half drive into Oita city from Nakatsu . I left my house shortly after 7 , and arrived in Oita right about 9 . My first stop was the Oita International Center . I had a whole carload of books I needed to get rid of . I had a feeling the Nova staff , if left to there own , would just have thrown these books away , so I made a point of rescuing them on the last day . There must have been over 200 books . I filled up my whole trunk , and then my whole back seat . The books were absolute junk by the way . There was a reason most of them had been left behind . My co - worker and I , Mr . K , had long ago picked through these books to see if there was anything we wanted for our own reading , and I couldn 't find a single book I wanted . Each year Nova teachers must have gone over these books and picked out what they wanted , and just left the rest . These were the books nobody had wanted over 9 years . Lots of Robert Ludlum , fantasy books no one had heard of , old travelogues and cookbooks . ( Actually , that 's not completely true . When I first arrived at Nova , I did snag a couple books from this collection . " The Truth " by Terry Pratchett , for example , came out of this collection , and I always enjoy a good Pratchett book . " Magician " by Raymond Feist was another book I got from the Nova library . I had never heard of it before , but I was trying to vary my reading habits a bit so I thought I 'd give it a chance . It ended up being extremely mediocre . After that I didn 't bother with any of the other various books I had never heard of in the stack ) . My first thought was to donate these books to the Nakatsu library . I had donated all my old English books to the Nakatsu library before . They didn 't really have an English section in their library , but I thought it would be kind of cool to build one up ( something that English teachers and other foreigners will be able to use for years to come ) . And thus far , the Nakatsu library had always been glad to take my books , and had even been sending me thank you letters afterwards . The Oita International Center was located in a big grand building called " Oasis 21 " . ( Why " Oasis 21 " I have no idea . One of the many strange names that pops up in Japan ) . I parked my car in their parking lot , and went to the International Center ( which was hidden away in a little corner on the basement floor ) . The door was still locked , and a sign said they opened at 9 : 30 . I glanced at my watch . It was 9 : 10 . I had 20 minutes to kill . Time to explore the building . And yet , like a lot of big impressive buildings , it was hard to figure out what exactly it was for . I had been in it several times before , and , aside from the International Center ( hidden away in a little corner in the basement ) I never figured out what the rest of the building did . Well , now seemed like a good time to find out . I wandered up to the 1st floor , and walked around . Not finding anything really I walked up to the 2nd , 3rd , and 4th floors as well . NHK , or at least the Oita branch of it , was stationed in this building . ( NHK is the publicly funded broadcast station in Japan , like PBS in America or BBC in Britain ) . Each floor had an door leading to the NHK offices , but most of the doors were shut , and the doors that were open looked like just a reception desk and a waiting area . I was half hoping to find some sort of public exhibit , or gift shop , or something like that , but I didn 't see anything . Maybe I was just too early in the morning . The other side of the building was called Iichiko Hall . The doors to this were all closed , but it appeared to be some sort of big auditorium . ( Iichiko is a local company that specializes in making sake and other types of alcohol . It 's based out of Usa city , and is the parent company to the Ajimu Winery ) . Mike , the local CIR ( Coordinator for International Relations ) , was there . I had never met Mike in person before , but I had been around long enough to expect he would be there . The Oita CIR was always stationed in the International Center . And I knew Mike was the Oita CIR , because the Oita CIR is also the editor for the monthly Tombo Times . And since I had written several articles for the Tombo Times over the past year and a half , I had corresponded with Mike over e - mail . I glanced at the small amount of bookshelf space the Oita International Center Library occupied . " Actually , I 've got a whole car full of books . I don 't know if it 's more than you can handle or not . " " No , actually , it 's okay . What we do with the extra books we get is … . " ( Here for some reason , my mind completely spaced out and I missed his whole explanation . I guess I must have been already thinking ahead in the conversation , and thinking about how I would explain to him why I happened to end up with a whole carload full of books . It must be admitted I do this with disturbing frequency - - zone out in the middle of a conversation and miss important information . It used to drive Shoko crazy . It 's not something I 'm proud of , but there it is ) . " Yeah , well I 'm one of those guys who came to Japan and just never left , " I said . " I did my 3 years on the JET program out in Ajimu . It was a 3 year limit back then . I understand they 've raised that up to 5 years now ? " " In most cases , " Mike said . " There 's a bit of tricky legal wording in the contract . Basically the school still has the right not to extend your contract past 3 years if you 're causing problems . But as long as you 're not a complete jerk , most people can extend up to 5 years . " " Well , back in my day , way back in 2004 , there was a 3 year limit . And so I did my 3 years on JET , and then did a couple more years up in Gifu prefecture as a private ALT . Then I went back to the States , but ended up coming back to Japan because of my fiancée . She was living out in the countryside in Usa Nakatsu area , so there weren 't a lot of jobs to choose from . So I applied with Nova . Having lived in Japan , I had heard all of the complaints from Nova teachers , but I thought it was only a short term job , what 's the worst that could happen ? " " Well , just the Nakatsu branch . Still , we were the only branch that got re - opened in all of Oita prefecture . Now students are going to have to commute all the way out to Kokura just to take lessons . " We started loading books onto the cart . Some of them I had bagged , but a lot of the books I had just carried out to the car in stacks , and now we had to arrange all of these on the cart so they wouldn 't fall off . " I 'm sorry , " I said . " I should have mentioned this when we were back up the office . We could have brought more bags or something . " The stacks of books teetered on the cart the whole way back up to the office , always giving the impression they were about to fall off . But they didn 't . We made it back up to the office without any disasters . Mike explained the system to me . " You need to fill out this form , then we 'll get you a library card . You can check out up to 10 books for 2 weeks . There 's no penalty or anything for late books , you just can 't check out any new books until you 've returned any overdue books . " " That 's fine . That 's perfectly fine . We have people from all over the prefecture checking out books , and we understand sometimes it 's difficult to make it back to Oita on time . We have no problem with late books . The problem is that some people were checking out books and just never returning them ever , and then continuing to check out more books . Late is okay , just as long as you don 't use us like a free book store . " I spent a while scanning the shelves , and in the end picked out " War and Peace , " a biography of Tsar Nicholas II , and a biography of Sir Richard Francis Burton . ( I remember Bear had told me about Sir Richard Francis Burton , apparently a great historical explorer and also a character in the " Riverworld " book series . He sounded pretty interesting ) . No guarantee whether I 'll actually read these books or not you understand . If I do read them , then I guess you 'll see them appearing in my book reviews . Otherwise they 'll just be among the many , many books I check out or buy , and then never get around to reading . But it was free to check them out , and there were no English book stores in Nakatsu , so I felt I might as well load up on books while I was in Oita city . Speaking of loading up on English books , the next stop was Oita prefectural library . I tried to take a short cut there , which is always a bad idea in Japan ( because you can seldom rely on the roads continuing straight . You will start heading West , but pretty soon find yourself heading North or South , or maybe even back East before you know it ) and so this lead to a bit of frustrated driving around , but eventually I got to the library . For 10 : 30 on a Thursday morning , the prefectural library was surprisingly busy . The regular parking lot was already full , and I had to go park in the overflow parking . ( There were about 5 cars lined up waiting to get into the regular parking lot . They were just sitting their by the gate idling their engines , and waiting for someone to leave so that one of them could enter . I thought this was a bit strange , especially since overflow parking was just right across the street . Maybe they didn 't want to park their cars in the hot summer sun , and thought it worth the wait to get a space in the underground parking garage . I don 't know . ) Oita prefectural library has a decent English section ( 3 whole rows of books ) but it doesn 't compare to a full library by any means . If you walk in hoping to browse for something interesting , you 'll probably find something . But if you go in with a specific book or purpose in mind , you might end up frustrated . I was going in with a specific purpose . I had decided I was finished studying Japanese history , and instead wanted to study 19th Century European history . Unfortunately the history section was a bit thin . There was a series of books called " World Leaders : Past and Present " which was a series of short sketches on famous world leaders . They were all only about 100 pages long , so none of them were very indepth , but I figured I know so little that I could probably learn some from them anyway . So I picked up the biographies on Robespierre , Queen Victoria , Danton , Thomas Paine , Napoleon , Clemenceau , and Lenin . Again I can 't guarantee I 'll actually read all of these , but since they were all quite short I 'd say the odds are probably better than usual . And although I had just picked up a copy of " War and Peace " at the international center , I found a copy at the library with larger more readable print . So I picked up a second copy . ( I figured large easy to read print is important if you 're going to attempt a book like this . ) There were a few comic books as well . I didn 't feel like going through the trouble of checking these out , but before I left the library I sat down at one of the desks and leafed through a couple . ( Actually the desks were all taken up by Japanese business men enjoying the free air - conditioning , so I took the comic books to a round table instead . I read a " Far Side " collection cover to cover ( I read so much " Far Side " as a kid that I had trouble finding any new cartoons , and the comic began to lose it 's appeal for me . But it 's been so long now that I 've forgotten most of it , and I 'm now able to read these comics as if they were new and fresh again . ) I flipped through a Dilbert collection , but I wasn 't not enough of a Dilbert fan to read it cover to cover . I heard bells ringing , and glanced at my watch . It was 12 : 00 already . And I had done nothing my whole morning but look at books . Clearly this was shaping up to be one of my less exciting " Better Know a City " days . The last time I had been to Oita Prefectural library was almost a year ago . Sometime in August 2007 , I had gone into Oita City for the purpose of obtaining an application for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test . ( For some whoknowswhat stupid bureaucratic reason , these things aren 't available through the mail . They 're only sold at designated book stores . Which means people who live out in the countryside , like me , have to drive an hour and a half into the city just for the privilege of paying 500 yen to buy an application packet ) . Anyway , I had to get an application , and my co - worker Leanne agreed to keep me company on the drive , and in return I showed her the sights of Oita city . Since Leanne was a fellow bookworm , I took her to Oita prefectural library so she could stock up on English books . I helped her fill out the application form and get a library card . Then we were both in line to check out our books , and I opened my wallet to get out my library card , and I couldn 't find it . It 's easy for stuff to get lost in your wallet in Japan . Every store I patronize has their own point card , so my wallet is so thick with cards I can hardly close it . So at first I thought my library card must be hiding between two other cards , but I looked again and again and I couldn 't find it . " Actually I had a card before , " I said . " I just lost it . " In the back of my mind I was slightly worried that there would be some sort of walk of shame for people who had lost their library cards . She would angrily tell me that I couldn 't check out any new books if I had lost my first card , and I would have to walk back and reshelve the stack of books I was holding in my hands . But of course there wasn 't . She just pulled my information up on the computer , checked to see if there were any changes to my information ( in fact there were . My old Ajimu address from 4 years ago was still listed as current , so she changed that ) and then gave me a piece of paper . " You can use this to check out books with for now , " she said . " And then come back anytime after August 14th and show us this paper , and then you can get a new card . " I was a bit surprised by this . I thought I 'd be given a new card then and there . When Leanne and everyone else registers for a card , they get a new card given to them right on the spot . Apparently the system is a bit different for people who have lost their cards . I didn 't expect to be back to the library on August 14 . It had been a year since I was here last , and it might well be a year until I go here again . I can return the books back at the Nakatsu library , so I probably won 't need to make the drive back out to Oita for while . At which point , I 'll probably have lost the piece of paper they gave me , and have to go through the whole process all over again . ( The branch in Nakatsu had re - opened for half a year , but none of the 3 former branches in Oita city had been re - opened . ) This caused me to wonder briefly if anyone had been paying for this sign the whole time . Or perhaps it said something about the speed of business down here in Kyushu . I 'm sure in Tokyo that precious advertising space would have been snatched up within a week of Nova closing its doors . It occurred to me as I walked through the doors ( and was immediately hit by a welcome cool blast of air conditioning ) that I had never once been to an Internet Café back in my native country of America . In fact , to the best of my memory , I couldn 't remember even seeing an Internet Café in America . If I were back in America , and found myself without Internet access , I 'm not sure what I would do . My thoughts continued : Was this simply because I didn 't know the right places to go ? Or was it because I was from Michigan ? If I lived , for example , in Seattle , would there be Internet cafes on every street corner ? In Japan , I 've practically lived out of Internet cafes . The majority of the time I 've been in Japan , I 've been without Internet access in my home . Which means almost all of the work I 've done on this blog over the years has been done from an Internet café . ( Or more accurately , I type it up on my word processor , and then just go to the Internet café to post it ) . In Japan , there are always internet cafes in any decent sized city . In the countryside like Ajimu it can be a bit inconvenient of course . But in Oita city , in Beppu , in Gifu , even in Nakatsu there are always Internet cafes . If it weren 't for Internet cafes , I guess I would have had to give in and buy a decent computer a long time ago . ( Actually , by now I probably would have had to go through a couple of them , since they need to be upgraded every few years . ) Internet cafes in Japan are very reasonably priced . Usually around $ 3 to $ 5 for an hour . And that always includes all the free drinks you want . I 've never been to an internet café in Japan yet that didn 't serve free drinks . In the nice internet cafes , they 've got quite a selection as well . I grabbed a coffee , a grape soda , and an orange slushy . ( They 're all free after all , so I figure why not load up on 3 different kinds of drinks at once ? Give my taste buds some variety as I surf the net ) . I checked my e - mail . Since I 'm once again without e - mail access , it had been a week since I last checked my e - mail . There were several messages from friends that I should reply to , but I didn 't feel like it . Despite my graphomania on display on this blog , I have a hard time keeping up with e - mail from an internet café . Maybe because I come into an Internet café to relax , and then it feels like homework to have to sit up and write off a bunch of responses . Plus the time frame of being in an Internet café adds a bit of pressure . I always stop by Forus department store because they have a Bookstore which has a couple shelves of English books . Most of my visits into the big city revolve around looking at books . Which I guess is pretty pathetic , but when you live out in the Japanese countryside , you 'd be surprised how desperate you get for a good English book selection . The Junkudo bookstore is located on the 7th floor of the department store . The other 6 floors are made up of brand name clothing stores , and filled with fashionable young Japanese girls with Louis Vitton hand bags wandering around . It 's the kind of place I normally wouldn 't be caught dead in , and I always feel dreadfully out of place until I get up to the 7th floor . I am constantly worried one of the mall staff is going to come up to me and say something like , " Are you sure you 're in the right building ? You don 't look very fashionable . " " Harry Potter " was on display at Junkudo bookstore . The Japanese translation of the 7th book had just got released a couple months ago , and many of my students are in the middle of reading it right now . ( I can no longer brag to them that I know the ending and they don 't ) . I headed to the back where the English books were kept . There was another foreigner couple already there . The girl was sitting on the ground reading , the guy was leaning against the bookshelf reading . In fact the guy was leaning right against the bookshelf I wanted to look at . I tried not to be too rude about it . I looked at everything else first , and then gradually moved over to the bookshelf he was looking at , and tried to hint by my body language that I wanted to see what was behind him . He tried to ignore me for a bit , and then slowly moved away . Having already been to 2 libraries that morning , I didn 't feel the need to waste a lot of money at the bookstore . Usually I can 't leave without buying something , but I was able to mostly resist . I did however buy an application packet for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test this year . I still haven 't decided if I 'm going to take the test this year or not , but for the 500 yen it costs , I certainly don 't want to have to drive all the way back to Oita city again if I change my mind . Whenever I get into a big city in Japan , I always visit a Starbucks . I 'm not sure why , I just tend to gravitate there because it seems like a part of the big city experience . ( Starbucks haven 't quite made their way out to the Japanese Countryside yet , but in a big city you can find them on practically every street corner . ) I 've noticed other foreigners who live out in the countryside share the same pattern . When ever they go into a city , they always make it a point to drop into a Starbucks . Nobody knows quite why we do it , but we all end up there . After I finished my coffee , I made my way across the street to Parco Department store . Parco is just like Forus . It 's 7 floors of clothing and fashion , but if you can hold your breath and make it up to the top floor , you can find the books . On the top floor of Parco is a shop called " Village Vanguard : Interesting Bookstore . " And interesting bookstore it is . Issei , my friend / supervisor at the Board of Education in Ajimu first took me here way back in my first year in Japan , when the 2 of had to go into Oita city for some bureaucratic reason . ( I forget why exactly . I probably needed some stamp on my passport , or some alien registration form ) . The assortment of stuff in Village Vanguard is so random it 's difficult to classify . It 's kind of a pop culture shop , with everything from Disney to Che Guevara lining the shelves . Some of the stuff is very innocent and childish , other stuff is blatantly offensive . ( In Gifu , when I argued with the store clerk about the big Nazi flag he had on display , that was in a " Village Vanguard " shop ) . It 's not a particular English friendly shop : all of the books are in Japanese . And my Japanese is just good enough where I can read the cover of the book , but not much else . But actually I 've always preferred browsing book covers than slogging through the whole book anyway , so I can spend a lot of time in Village Vanguard just looking at the covers and thinking about all the interesting books I would be able to read if only I studied Japanese more . Books on Bob Dylan , the Grateful Dead , Che Guevara ( whose been experiencing a bit of renewed popularity in Japan the last few years ) and John Lennon ( whose always been a favorite in Japan , probably because of his relationship with Yoko Ono ) . There 's always a lot of interesting music in " Village Vanguard " . Although unfortunately its usually music I 've never heard of , so it 's difficult to know what to buy . Occasionally in the past I 've taken gambles just based on how cool the CD case looked . A dangerous ( and expensive ) gamble , but it did introduce me to a number of great Japanese artists and CDs . Kojima Mayumi , for example , is an artist I really enjoyed who I found through Village Vanguard . Also the soundtrack to " The Stray Cat Rock " movies turned out to be another good Village Vanguard gamble . There were a couple more shops in the area I knew that had English books , and I wandered around and poked my head in them . They were , like I knew they would be , the same books I had seen before at Junkudo bookstore . All bookstores in Japan must get all their English books from the same supplier , because it 's always the same from store to store . Probably the owners of these bookstores can 't even read English , and just subscribe to the same list of recommended English books from a common distributer . Who knows . Not far from the department stores is a Japanese castle surrounded by a moat and small garden . Every time I come into Oita city with a Japanese friend I always ask about the history of the castle , and no one seems to know . There are no signs around the castle explaining it , nor guides around to question . It may well not even be very historical , but at least it 's free . The gates are wide open , and there 's no one collecting ticket fees , so you can just walk right in and wander around . I tried to walk around the castle . For some frustrating reason , it 's built like a maze . There is a long wall , and then several other fences , so to get inside you have to make a long detour around the fence , over a bridge , along the moat , and then across another bridge again . It 's a bit aggravating at the best of times , but in the summer heat it feels really unnecessary . I did make it all the way around the castle , and I didn 't die of heat stroke . Although my clothing was thoroughly soaked through with sweat . I looked like I had just been caught out in a rain storm . And the humidity of the Japanese summer meant it would stay soaked through like that without drying off . Then I glanced at my watch , and saw it was just turning 5 O ' clock now . If there was one thing I did not want to do , it was get stuck in my car during rush hour traffic in downtown Oita on a hot summer afternoon . Anything would be preferable to that . So , I went back into Starbucks . Not the same Starbucks as before . I decided to go to the one across the street , and give my life a little variety . I ordered another cup of coffee , and got a sandwich and a cookie , and decided to continue reading my books . She came over and started talking to me . " I 'm surprised to see you here , " she said . " Don 't you live all the way out in Nakatsu , or something ? I didn 't think I 'd see you here . But I thought I saw someone who looked like you , so I walked around the shopping mall one more time just so I could get another look at you . And it really is you . What are you doing in Oita city ? " I explained I was visiting the libraries and the bookstores . I thought it made me sound somewhat pathetic even as I said it , but it was the truth . I invited her to have a seat and join me , but she declined . " I 'm here with my friends , " she said . " They 're over there waiting for me . I just wanted to say hi . " She left , and I returned to my book . By 7 , it was getting dark already . Even in the summer , the Japanese sun sets very early . Mainly because there 's no daily savings time . The sun rises ridiculously early at 4 : 30 in the morning ( or so I 've been told ) and then sets very early in the evening . It drives us foreigners , who are used to long summer evenings , crazy . But the Japanese don 't seem to mind . Every year the newspapers bring up the issue of daylight savings time , and every year the Japanese public seems strongly against it . ( I think the main reason given is because changing everyone 's sleeping patterns messes with biorhythms , or something like that ) . I set out from Starbucks , and while waiting at a crosswalk for the light to change , ran into my Korean classmate again . She was with a male Korean friend , who I thought might have been her boyfriend . " Sensei , " she exclaimed . She told me all of her Korean friends had gone back to Korea now . " I 'm the only one left , " she said sadly . " But I wanted to learn more Japanese , so I decided to stay on for one semester . " By the way , your speech was very good , " she said , referring to the speech contest on the last day of school ( in which I had taken 3rd prize . ) She turned to her friend . " Isn 't his Japanese very good for an American ? " she asked . I have a lot of memories about Miyako Machi and night life in Oita city . I 've written about a few of them on this blog . ( Although by far and away my best stories are the ones that never made it to the blog . ) And I have a lot of mixed feelings about the whole place . One on hand , I loved the idea of the night district . There 's a certain romance in the tackiness of having all the bars , ramen shops , karaoke parlors , and snack bars stacked on top of each other . Neon lights are flashing everywhere . The cool night air makes you feel alive , and the dark sky makes you feel mysterious . And on a Friday or Saturday night , the whole area is packed with people . Taxi cabs move slowly through lanes that are swarming with pedestrians . Drunk Japanese business men stumble along the street . Pretty girls talk loudly and giggle together as they walk out of a bar . Guys stand on a street corner to try and look for pretty girls . … . Which brings me to my least favorite part of the night . Once we actually got to the bar or night club we were going to , I hated being stuck inside a small room all night . Space is at a premium in Japan , so even the dance clubs we went to ( like " Cool Bananas " ) had a bit of a claustrophobic feeling . I was never a big fan of the night club scene . I was too shy to pick up girls . I might work up the courage to talk to them at a bar , but I could never pick them up on the dance floor . And I hated having to yell over the music to try and talk to people . Of course , staying out all night at tacky dance clubs and claustrophobic bars is just part of the ex - pat scene in Japan . And to a certain extent , maybe just part of being in your 20s . Now that I 'm 30 , I think I 'll leave that part of my life behind . I won 't guarantee I 'll never set foot in a dance club again , but I certainly don 't feel a sense of obligation anymore . Before I felt like I had to go out and party with everyone to prove that I wasn 't an anti - social hermit . Now , I 've come to accept the beauty of a quiet Friday night . I walked past the place where the old " Cool Bananas " used to be . That was the dance club we always used to go to back in the day . The building was empty now , and a for rent sign was on the wall . Although the bar had apparently changed ownership , it still appeared to be foreigner friendly . The outside window was covered with Western music album covers . Many of them from around the 70s . ( Being a classic rock fan , I noticed that about half the albums featured were from the middle or late 60s , but you can 't be too picky about these things in Japan ) . I had taken a moment or two to linger by the window , so the two Japanese men standing by the door called out to me . One , who I assume was the owner , began explaining the theme of the bar to me . " Everything is from the 70s . How old are you ? " " Ah , I 'm 45 . You 're probably not old enough to remember all of these groups from the 70s . " He pointed to an album . " Like ' The Allman Brothers ' . Do you know ' The Allman Brothers ? ' " This didn 't appear to impress him very much , because he continued right on talking as if he hadn 't heard me . He asked me how long I had been in Japan , where I was from , what I was doing in Japan , et cetera . The standard questions . I entertained the idea of going into the bar and trying to make friends with whoever was inside , but then ruled it out . More likely than not it would be just drunken Japanese old men , and the conversation would be very predictable and boring . " Wow , aren 't you tall ? You speak Japanese very well . Can you use chopsticks ? Can you eat sushi ? What do you think about Japan ? " Jungle Park is a stroke of genius - - I tip my hat to whatever urban planner thought of the idea . Right in the middle of all these neon lights , snack bars , and karaoke parlors , there is a small oasis of greenery . A large water fountain cascades over down several steps . Lots of trees line the middle of the park , and street lamps shine light onto the green leaves . In the middle of the night , the whole place almost does look a bit like a jungle . I once wandered over to Jungle Park in the daytime , just to see what it would look like , and found that it looked completely different in the light . The trees , which at night had seemed to cover the park with green foliage , were actually thin and spread out from each other . They looked sick and scraggily in the sunshine . The ground was covered with all sorts of cigarette butts and trash I had never noticed at night . I tried to take some video of Jungle Park and Miyako Machi . Unfortunately my video camera doesn 't work well at night , so I had a hard time getting Jungle Park to even show up on the camera . ( Also keep in mind this was on a Thursday night . Things are a lot more lively down here on the weekend ) . I was just about to call it a night when I remembered Sean , a friend of mine from my JET days , was working in a club around here . Sean had gone back to America , then returned again to Japan ( everyone always goes and comes back here ) and had gone into business for himself by buying P . E . I . , one of the foreign bars in Oita . ( It had previously been a Canadian themed bar , but I guess since Sean was an American , he might set about to changing that now ) . It had been a few years since I had last been to PEI , so I had a bit of trouble finding it , but eventually I got the right door . And sure enough , Sean was standing behind the bar . So I walked over and gave him a punch in the arm . Sean 's one of the friendliest guys in the world . I barely know him really , hardly have hung out with him , but he always acts overjoyed to see me . " Hey , " he says warmly . " What are you doing here ? " There were a few other people at the bar I recognized . Like Joel , who had been a JET in Oita City and whose first name I 've always admired . I played catch up with Joel now , and he told me he had finished out his JET days , and was now working as a private Assistant Language Teacher ( ALT ) . I couldn 't either . We spent a few minutes trying to figure it out . He had come into Oita as a JET in the fall of 2004 , which was just when I had been leaving Oita prefecture to head to Gifu . But of course since I had left a girlfriend behind in Oita prefecture , I had made several trips back to visit during Summer and Spring breaks , and had probably run into him one of those times . Having established a connection , we played expat bingo ( just like Dutch Bingo ) for a while longer to see how many people we could find in common . Which school did you work at ? Oh , yes , so and so was your predecessor there , right ? I heard she didn 't like it that much , did you have any problems ? There was a bit of humor during the night as one of the guys wanted desperately to use the toilet , but couldn 't get the door open . He assumed the toilet was occupied , and kept waiting for someone to emerge . He then asked Sean if maybe someone had passed out in the toilet , and there was some concern about what we should do if that had happened , and how we would get the locked door opened . " That reminds me of Gareth , " someone said . " We picked him up from the airport his first day in Japan , and as we were driving him he said , ' Wow , there 's so much bamboo everywhere ' . And we said , well , yeah , it was Japan , and he said , ' But then why aren 't there any pandas ? ' " . " So this is the situation , " Sean told me . " He 's going back to England tomorrow . He 's got no job , no apartment , no place to live , and he 's bringing with him a Japanese wife he 's going to have to support somehow . " The conversation then turned back to me , and I had to tell me tale of woe about how my Japanese fiancée had broken up with me . " Wow , " someone said . " That 's unusual for the Japanese girl to break it off . It 's almost always the foreign guy who calls it quits . I 've never heard of the Japanese girl breaking it off . " " It does solve a lot of problems all at once , " I admitted . All the issues of international visas , paperwork , how to support Shoko in America or how to make a decent living in Japan , all of those problems just disappeared with one stroke . When I get over my heartbreak , maybe I will come to see the good side of this . I talked to Sean about the bars around Oita , and he confirmed for me what I had already suspect . " Cool Banana " was officially no more . But he was looking to fill the void left with his own place . " I 'll try , " I said . " But its rough coming all the way from Nakatsu . Plus working in an Eikaiwa school , we tend to be the busiest on the weekends . " Here are some videos we shot of Takasakiyama Monkey Mountain . ( Which is right on the border of Beppu and Oita , but I believe technically inside Oita 's borders . ) The first visit is a drive through Beppu on the way to Monkey Mountain in which we discuss Monkey Mountain . The second video is Monkey Mountain itself . ( book review ) It seems like all Japanophiles read this book sooner or later . Most of them sooner . So , I decided I might as well get it . . . Without capital punishment ( the death penalty ) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase . Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion ?

+ I loved this book because of the interesting storyline and the series . My favorite character is Dan because he has a photographic memory . People who like the series would like this book . Ages ( 9 - 14 ) . + I loved the CD very much ! The pop sound is very on point with what they say it is . I like it just as much or even more than the first CD called Up All Night . The best song in my opinion is I Would or She 's not afraid . One of my least favorites was Rock me it was more hardcore than the other songs but just a little bit less of a good song than the others . It 's definitely a bubble gum pop maybe a bit of rockish pop . I think teenage girls 11 - 17 would like this CD . I love it a lot and so do some of my friends my age . + I loved this book because its plot was suspenseful . Also I liked the adventure and fighting . My least favorite character was Jeb because he was a mean mad scientist . My favorite character was Maximum Ride . She was leader of her group and trying to save the world . Also she is a bird mutant . I think people who love to read suspenseful , sci - fantasy or adventure books , should read this book . I couldn 't put this book down ! + Bad Island is a great graphic novel because it shows a disagreeing family who takes an adventure and starts acting like a real family instead of enemies . My favorite character is Reese because he 's the athletic type who likes to be alone sometimes . This would be a good book for people who like action and adventure . + I loved this book because of all the action . My favorite character is Jonah because basically he gets what he wants . I think people who like the 39 Clues series would like this book ( 9 - 14 ) . + Ella Enchanted is one of my all time favorite books . My friend gave it to me and said that she had read her copy so many times the binding broke . I have already read it about ten times . This is a wonderful book for all ages about a girl who is cursed with obedience . And AMAZING story for sure ! + ' ' Storm Thief ' ' is a very good book . It 's full of action and adventure . Also , some fantasy . My favorite character would probably be Rail because he is determined and loves adventure . I would recommend this book to anybody who likes the ' ' Ranger 's Apprentice ' ' series or just loves action and adventure . + I really liked this book because it is showing really hard work . They trying really hard to earn money . You will have to read the rest to find out what happens between this brother and sister war ! - - * [ http : / / aries . jmrl . org / search ~ S9 / X ? life + of + pi + martel ' ' ' ' ' Life of Pi ( Movie ) ' ' ' ' ' ] book by Yann Martel - I loved this movie because of the way they made it alive . It seemed so real . My favorite character was Pi Patel because of his amazing adventure . I would love to see what I would do in his situation . I think people who are from ages 12 and up would love this movie . - - Review by Roshan , grade 7 * [ http : / / aries . jmrl . org / search ~ S9 / X ? ben + hur + wallace ' ' ' ' ' Ben Hur ' ' ' ' ' ] by Lew Wallace * [ http : / / aries . jmrl . org / search ~ S9 / X ? ben + hur + wallace ' ' ' ' ' Ben Hur ' ' ' ' ' ] by Lew Wallace Sweet Venom is a wonderful book . It is a fun , exciting take on Greek mythology . I really like the author 's style of writing , she uses descriptive language to create the atmosphere and setting . Sweet Venom is a wonderful book . It is a fun , exciting take on Greek mythology . I really like the author 's style of writing , she uses descriptive language to create the atmosphere and setting . + This movie is about teenagers at a Christian school . It is very religious so religious people would love it . They would relate best to Mandy Moore who plays the popular girl trying to save everyone . This movie is also for people who aren 't religious because it has , my favorite character , Cassandra : a Jewish bad girl . She falls in love with Mandy Moore 's crippled brother . This movie involves gayness , a teen pregnancy , and a love affair . I dislike the fact that the pregnant girl didn 't get an abortion , but everyone supported her even though I didn 't . This movie has a happy ending , so if you like those here you go . + + This book has what my local librarian calls " right of passage . " You have to get through the first part before the book becomes any good . That is what happened with this book . However once I got past the slow part I loved it . + There were some parts in the book that the dialogue was not the best in the world . There were a ton of times that the author made the characters say , " Oh , blah blah blah . " I do not know about you , but that makes me think that the character is sighing or having an epiphany . + I did like the depth of the characters , and the range of them . Polly Shulman has a three year old as a hero in this novel , I think that just comes to show that she thinks that anyone can be a hero , no matter what their size . Another character that you would not suspect to be a hero , Jaya , a ten year old girl . She figures out things that the teens in the novel would never figure out . + + Review by Paige , grade 10 + I think the book is very fast paced . Even when they were in the peaceful country Alex still got shot at by a bunch of spoiled stuck up boys . The action never stopped from the beginning to the end . + I loved it because it was a book based on comparison between boys & dogs and girls & cats . My favorite character was Yumi , Annabelle 's friend because of how much she loved animals . A sixth grader who was new at school and wanted to be able to blend in . + I liked this book because it was funny . The outfit designs were pretty . You can tell that Annie has a big imagination . In this book you 'll see a blast of fun and style ! + Terrier is the first book I 've read by Tamora Pierce , who people have been recommending to me for a long time , so perhaps I went into it with my expectations a little too high . Or maybe reading murder mystery books geared for adults has ruined me for reading Young Adult murder mysteries . Or it could have been that my dubious talent for spotting the hidden bad guys of a story kicked in , but by the 300th page , I knew what the ending was going to be . I knew who shadowed ( geddit ? ) antagonist was . So for me , it was a bit of a drag reading the last 200 odd pages in the book , only to have everything I 'd already known confirmed in the last five pages . Of course , as I said , my realizing the whole ending could just be one of my talents for guessing plot lines , so don 't let that turn you off of the book . I also wasn 't a fan of the first couple pages , but that 's a matter of personal style preference , so I 'll let you draw your own opinions . Now that I 've gone over what I didn 't like , I start with what I did , The heroine , Rebakah , was strong , with a large supporting cast who helped her along , but it didn 't feel like they were constantly having to rescue her out of everything . She was clever , if slightly naive , but that fades as the book progresses . Tamora Pierce certainly knows what she 's doing in creating a tough girl . The world was very interesting , and I enjoyed learning more about the Dogs , the peacekeepers of the land . They do use slightly different language , so that can take a little while to get used to , but if you 're really stuck on a word , try the glossary in the back . There 's also a character index and a list of terms it can be good to be familiar with as you learn about their world . I 'm not sure that I had a favorite character , but I was fond of Rosto , the roughish character who sweeps in a few chapters in , and Beka 's two Dogs , Turnstall and Goodwin , who are charged with training her from a training puppy into a full - fledged Dog . I would recommend this book to tweens or younger teens with a taste for resourceful , str + + I think this book is interesting because it 's about 3 fifteen year old boys who are told to find summer jobs but they will do anything to have freedom for their last summer before they enter the working world . My favorite character would be Curtis because he acts like a leader . This book is perfect for the teens who are trying to get out of there summer jobs . + First of all I liked this book because I liked how the wolves find the new land . My favorite character was Gwyneth because she was a brave owl and I love Guardian of Ga ' Hoole series . My least favorite character was Edme . She was an annoying wolf . I think people who like wolves . + Rhine Ellery lives in a futuristic society where women die at 20 and men die at 25 years of age . There are some who are researching the possibility of an antidote but few live long enough to make progress . Rhine is a strong - willed 16 year old who is kidnapped and introduced to a new wealthy lifestyle , but what she discovers is so horrible she knows she has to escape somehow . And housemaster Vaughn is watching around every corner . Is Rhine able to escape ? Is she able to find an antidote to the disease that is wiping out the human race ? Check out Wither today ! + The Serpent 's Shadow by Rick Riordan is about two kids ages 14 and 12 who are magicians . It 's about the Egyptian gods . I loved the book because it was full of adventure and action . The reason that I only give it 4 stars was because sometimes it talks in to much detail . The funniest part is when ( pretty often ) the brother and sister fight . It is told in past tense so they fight while they 're narrating . And that is what i think of The Serpent 's Shadow . + + Review by Reese + " The Hardy Boys " is an awesome chapter book series that is FULL of mysteries , on after another . The main characters are 2 teens , Joe and Frank Hardy . You should read this book if you like mysteries . + According to a Gallop poll , 92 % of Americans were aware of Nixon 's visit to Communist China in the 1970s . His visit broke a decades long silence of formal communications between the US and China . This cemented a new start in Sino - American relations and both gained a bargaining ship against a common enemy : the Soviet Union . Margaret MacMillian did not just describe and dissect Nixon 's trip ; instead , she explores the lives and background of the main characters : Nixon , Kissenger , Chou , and Mao . She also explains the large amount of background work that had to be conducted in secret in order to make the trip possible . Bear in mind , this is a serious historical read , however ; you will learn the intricacies and some funny anecdotes behind politics and diplomacy . + + Review by Jemmy , grade 12 + Lemonade Mouth is an interesting , inspirational book giving a heartwarming ( and heart breaking ) story on how kids can change the world just by standing up for what is right using just simple actions . Lemonade Mouth gives the story of five different teens ' point of views . Each band member had different problems and backgrounds that all real kids can relate to , but they overcome their issues through music , and rebellion ! + + I hated this book because it was boring and talked about princess and prince dating . My least favorite character was Princess Ben . Although she could magic , it was a boring story . I think people who love to read princess and magic , but I don 't like this book ! + I love reading books by John Green and Looking for Alaska was especially interesting because of the recurring theme of a labyrinth of suffering and what our purpose here on Earth is . The characters were vivid and I enjoyed Miles ' habit of " collecting " last words from people . This book is a thought pondering adventure that was very entertaining to read . I would only recommend this book to mature teenagers due to certain elements not suitable for younger ages . But if you are mature and like a good book , any of John Green 's books are awesome to read ! + I liked it because it was an interesting story . I had a book , and my favorite character was Emmett . I would think that this book would be for 14 + ages . I would think this book would be for fans of romantic , vampire books or movies . + This is a wonderful Southern Gospel cd . The Cathedrals were a + wonderful group . My Favorite song on this cd is " I Can See the Hand " . I also like several other ones a lot . Others I like are " A Wonderful Time Up There " , " The Last Sunday " , " Echoes from the Burning Bush " , and " The Love of God " . This is a collection of songs from different recordings the group did and has several different members of the group on it . Of course it has George Younce and Glen Payne who were with the group the whole time . I Think this is a wonderful cd and is definitely worth listening to . + I really liked this cd . It is really good and has many of the best Southern Gospel groups ever . My favorite songs are " I Never Shall Forget the Day " , " I Know " , " Jesus is Coming Soon " , " This Old House / When the Saints go Marching in " , and " Give the World a Smile " . There were not any that I really did not like although I did have favorites . If you really like Southern Gospel you will really like this cd . Even though I am thirteen and really like it most of the time this kind of music would be something more adults would like . + I really liked this cd . Jake Hess was one of the best singers ever and this cd is a tribute to him put together by Bill Gaither with a bunch of recordings of him . My favorite song is \ " Up Above My Head \ " with him and George Younce singing . Most of these songs were from the Gaither Homecoming videos and some were really old videos of him . One funny one was where they were singing \ " The Fourth Man \ " with Jake Hess , Tim Lovelace , Rex Nelon , George Younce , and another guy . they did it several times to get it right . I think every body would like this if they tried it . + This movie was one of the best ever made . IT is an older movie and is in black and white , and it is still one of the best . It is a really funny movie . My favorite character was Andy Griffith playing as Will Stockdale , but I also like his friend Ben and Sergeant King . It is a really good movie . I like it a lot . I think anybody would like it . I would definitely recommend watching it sometime . It is a movie worth watching . + This was one of the best cd 's ever . It was done in 1995or1996 I 'm not exactly sure . IT was celebrating the Speer Family having been a group for seventy five years . The singers are Brock Speer , Faye Speer , Ben Speer , Mary Tom Speer Reid , and Rosa Nell Speer Powell . There were also a few other people which sang with them on certain songs . They were Eddy Bolton , Karen Apple , Harold Lane , Allison Durham Speer , Marc Speer , and few others . My favorite song is " I Want to be Ready to Meet Him " . I did not like " All Day Singin ' and Dinner on the Ground " . I thought that song sounded strange and not like Southern Gospel normally does . By the way the Speer Family was a Southern Gospel group so this cd of course has Southern Gospel music on it mainly and few other songs . One I like is " What a Day That Will Be " with Brock Speer singing one verse and Eddy Bolton singing another . My favorite singer on this disc and out of the group is Ben Speer . He normally sang the lead or tenor for the group . This is an old cd and Brock Speer has now passed away and the others are older now and are not singing as a group . I think it is wonderful to have this recording of them all singing . They also sang several songs that G . T . Speer , their father wrote . These include " I Want to be Ready to Meet Him " , " Some Glad Day " , " Sweeter Each Day " , " The Dearest Fried I Ever Had " , and " Heaven 's Jubilee " . I think the Speer Family was the best Southern Gospel Group ever . This would probably appeal to older adults because many younger people may not have even known of the group and if they are not Christians and don 't like Southern Gospel they would not like it either . I really like it though and I am only thirteen . I think if younger people were introduced to this kind of music they would like it as well as I do . It is wonderful music . I think this cd is definitely worth trying to find if you don 't have it , and it is a great cd to listen to . + I thought this was a great movie . It was really funny and my sister and I liked it so much that we watched it seven times within a span of about a month . It was really neat how they were all racing to get there and find the big W . It showed several cars driving really fast and racing down the roads . It also had a lot of funny people in this movie . I think m favorite character was Captain Culpepper . There were several really funny parts in it as well . A few were Phil Silvers as Otto Meyer driving his car down the stream into the river , the Crumps getting locked in the basement of the store and their attempts to get out ( which they finally did ) , and Captain Culpepper talking on the phone with his daughter Billy Sue and when he threw his hat out the window . One art that you probably should skip though is the part where Mrs . Marcus talks to Sylvester , her son , on the phone because he was with this girl and this girl was not wearing enough and they had not good music on in the background . Mrs . Marcus talks to him three times and two out of three you should skip . Sylvester himself is fine to watch later because he was a really funny character in the movie and is fine after that . This movie was done in the sixties so it is a pretty old movie , but it is great and is definitely worth finding and watching sometime . It would appeal more to older kids and adults . Younger kids would not understand the funny things in this movie and might find it not very interesting as I did when I was a lot younger . It has really funny stuff and not any of the bad or crude humor that you would find in lots of \ " funny \ " movies today . This was wonderful movie that everyone should see . + I loved this movie because of the way they made it alive . It seemed so real . My favorite character was Pi Patel because of his amazing adventure . I would love to see what I would do in his situation . I think people who are from ages 12 and up would love this movie . Ratings are on a scale of 1 to 5 , with 5 being the best . Newest reviews appear at the top of the list for each star rating . Contents I loved this book because of the interesting storyline and the series . My favorite character is Dan because he has a photographic memory . People who like the series would like this book . Ages ( 9 - 14 ) . I loved the CD very much ! The pop sound is very on point with what they say it is . I like it just as much or even more than the first CD called Up All Night . The best song in my opinion is I Would or She 's not afraid . One of my least favorites was Rock me it was more hardcore than the other songs but just a little bit less of a good song than the others . It 's definitely a bubble gum pop maybe a bit of rockish pop . I think teenage girls 11 - 17 would like this CD . I love it a lot and so do some of my friends my age . I loved this book because its plot was suspenseful . Also I liked the adventure and fighting . My least favorite character was Jeb because he was a mean mad scientist . My favorite character was Maximum Ride . She was leader of her group and trying to save the world . Also she is a bird mutant . I think people who love to read suspenseful , sci - fantasy or adventure books , should read this book . I couldn 't put this book down ! Bad Island is a great graphic novel because it shows a disagreeing family who takes an adventure and starts acting like a real family instead of enemies . My favorite character is Reese because he 's the athletic type who likes to be alone sometimes . This would be a good book for people who like action and adventure . I loved this book because of all the action . My favorite character is Jonah because basically he gets what he wants . I think people who like the 39 Clues series would like this book ( 9 - 14 ) . Ella Enchanted is one of my all time favorite books . My friend gave it to me and said that she had read her copy so many times the binding broke . I have already read it about ten times . This is a wonderful book for all ages about a girl who is cursed with obedience . And AMAZING story for sure ! Storm Thief is a very good book . It 's full of action and adventure . Also , some fantasy . My favorite character would probably be Rail because he is determined and loves adventure . I would recommend this book to anybody who likes the Ranger 's Apprentice series or just loves action and adventure . I really liked this book because it is showing really hard work . They trying really hard to earn money . You will have to read the rest to find out what happens between this brother and sister war ! I really liked this book ! It was full of adventure and a little bit of mystery . Doon and Lina are the main characters that go on an amazing and exciting adventure trying to escape the city because soon the city lights are going to go out forever ! This book is good if you like adventure . First of all , I liked this book because every page I read was full of suspense . It wasn 't a boring book . My favorite character was Lady America and my least favorite character was Prince Maxon . It 's a young adult book . If you like to read fantasy stories and romance stories you should read it . " All who accept this challenge to the 39 clues will receive a clue that might lead you to the most important treasure in the world and make you powerful beyond belief or it might kill you . " ( page 20 ) . I loved this book because of the great idea Rick Riordan had to make a quest for 39 clues . I loved the way he incorporated historical facts with a modern day quest . My favorite character was Dan Cahill because he has a photographic memory . I think it would be cool for you to just look at something and memorize it quickly . I think kids from ages 9 - 14 would like this book . The race continues to find the 39 clues that safeguard a great power , and 14 year old Amy Cahill and her younger 11 year old brother Dan are shocked to find themselves in the lead . I loved this book because the clues revolve around a different historical figure this time it was Mozart . I enjoyed learning about Mozart 's life , and visiting museums and famous cities where Mozart preformed . My favorite character was Dan because he likes anagrams and puzzles just like me . I think people who liked the Maze of Bones would like this book . The Sword Thief was another good clue hunt . I was surprised that Amy & Dan teamed up with Uncle Allistair and then added Ian & Natalie to find the 3rd clue . I liked this book because of the way it was written . I just couldn 't put the book down . My favorite character was Dan because he loves math and is good at it just like me . People who liked book # 1 and # 2 would love this book . I loved this book because I could never put it down . I read it everyday . My favorite character was Amy because she can see the big picture . I think people who like the rest of the series and kids in middle school would like this book . I LOVED this book because of it 's inspiring story . though it isn 't action packed I think it 's a page turner . The story was about love , friendships , trust and hope during an immense change in a girl 's life . OF all the books I 've read in all eleven years of my life Paint the Wind is my favorite . Review by Mekenzie , grade 5 First of all , I loved this book because I wondered what happened to Alianne . My favorite character was Alianne because she was a brave spymaster . My least favorite character was Sarai because she was beauty but annoying character . I think people who are interested with fantasy , violence , and monarchy should read this book . Review by Lynn , grade 11 The Selection by Kiera Cass I loved it because the last time I read book 2 , I adored it . However , I didn 't know there was book 1 , so I read it . My favorite character is Lady America because she was a nice and shy lady . My least favorite character is Prince Mason . I didn 't like his personality and his background . I think people who like reading fantasy and young adult books . Also people should read it because every page I read was filled with suspense . Review by Lynn , grade 11 Some of my friends had me get this from the library , they talked about it so much that I just had to check it out . And I am so happy that I did . Cass had me hooked from the very first paragraph . I stayed up until midnight reading this and as soon as I finished it I bought the second one on my nook . THE SELECTION is a beautiful written book that I am going to read over and over again until I get so sick of it I put it in a box and put it in my closet until I go to college . The thing I loved most about this book was hearing about all of the outfits the Selected got to wear to all of the events . It made me wish I liked there even though they have a caste system worst ( and in some ways better ) than the one they used to have in India . In this novel all of the gowns that the young ladies wore were hand sewn by each of the Selected personal maids . If someone asked who my favorite character was I would have to say America because she is so independent and so opinionated . I feel that is the way all women should be , well most anyway . I like how she talks the Prince Maxon sometimes , she treats him as an equal not like a One ( the highest caste . ) You see more of this personality in the second book , which I loved . The thrilling squeal to Wither , main character Rhine continues on her journey to find her brother and reach her home back in Manhattan . Rhine and her friend / lover Gabriel trek up the East Coast of a futuristic America . But while they get closer and closer to their goal , Rhine gets more and more sick . Dangerously high fevers and ultra severe flu symptoms show up but there is no cure until . . . one day , her old enemy shows up on her doorstep when she is at her weakest point ! What happens to Rhine ? Does she find her brother ? Read this fast paced adventure to discover her journey . Cactus aka Yamada - San asked out Fujioka - Kun , but was rejected . Then a snobby rich prep student comes in and makes a scene ! Fujioka - Kun is not happy . Yamada - San bumps into an old friend of Fujioka - Kun 's . Things get crazy ! The rich boy fed up with Fujioka - Kun . He makes a plan to get Fujioka - Kun expelled , and it works . Yamada - San pleads for the rich boy to let Fujioka - Kun back in school ! So , to prove the rich boy 's love , he let 's him back ! But who knows what they will do ! ? I love this series ! It 's 1 of my favorite series and this book was 1 of my favorite book in the series . I like how Harry found this connection to Voldemort even though it lead to Someone 's death . I also like the connection because it shows he 's actually 1 of the few people who can defeat him . My favorite character was Harry mainly because he 's the person the series is about . I LOVE HARRY POTTER ! ! ! Review by Lipi , grade 7 If you 're reading this it 's too late is an exciting book written by Pseudonymous Bosch . It 's a thrilling novel mixed with humor and suspense . My favorite character is the Homurculus . It is a small creature that is grumpy and has a humorous but bad attitude . My least favorite character is Mr . L . He is a evil man determined to have a young life forever . He goes to extrmeme ways . People in middle and elementary school will enjoy this book . Especially people who enjoy thrills . Out of My Mind is a wonderful book for all ages . The main character , Melody , is disabled and I love stories that show people doing something unthinkable . My favorite character was Melody because of her personality , and my least favorite characters were Rose and Claire . Rose seemed nice , but then let Melody down , and Claire was just plain mean all the time . I think that this is an excellent book and that everyone should read it . Project Sweet Life is an amazing book because it 's so interesting how these 15 year old boys will do anything to make easy money without getting a summer job . My favorite character is Dave because towards the end of the book he uses his brains in a smart way to solve the mystery . I recommend this book to teens who are willing to make money without having a summer job . I liked Ben Hur because of the journey of Ben Hur had . He was a prince and their paddling boats in Roman ships and then being a chariot race winner . My favorite character was Ben Hur because he is smart and determined . I think people who are 12 and up . I loved this book because of the suspense and action . My favorite character was Dan because he proves if you try your hardest you can achieve . I think people who like the first 4 books will like the book . Also , people from ages 9 - 14 would like this book . I loved this book because of the creative writing by Jude Watson . My favorite character was Dan because of his creative and imaginative thinking . I think people who like the first 5 books will like this book . Also , people from ages 9 - 14 would love this book . I loved this book because every page I read , there was danger . My favorite character was Maximum ( Max ) Ride . She was a great leader and she was bird mutant . My least favorite character was Ari . He was mean bully and he is Eraser . I think people who like mutants or fantasy should read this book . I loved this book . I thought it was very interesting & I couldn 't put it down . I loved how Anne Frank wrote . She seemed to be absolutely truthful in her journal , and I liked that . I could really relate to her , as I think many can . I laughed out loud at parts and was devastated when I read the end note , even though I already knew that the members of the Secret Annex met unfortunate ends , including Anne . Afterwards , I was slightly overwhelmed by thinking about all the individual lives that were cut short in WWII . I only had one dislike of the book : that her dad edited it ! Who would want their dad editing & reading their journal ? But all in all , this book was amazing & one of the best I 've read ! Inkheart is a wonderful , exciting story . I loved it because characters got to come out of the books . There is also a movie which is really cool to watch . My favorite character is Meggie because she read Tinkerbell out of the book and because she shared her father 's gift . I think all ages could enjoy it except for really small kids . I love this book because it was from a teenage 's perspective . My favorite character was Ruby . I think this book is for people who are 12 - 17 or are just big fans ( like me ) of Sarah Dessen . A little boy named Willy is going to race in a dogsled race , because his grandfather is very sick . While his grandfather is sick a tax collector comes bye and Willy 's grandfather is sick , he doesn 't have the money . So the tax collector has to take the house , but there is a lot of people racing in the race , and one of them is Stone Fox . He has never lost a race . This is a series of twelve books that I am reading . I love these books becuase they are filled with action , worry , and suspence . Callum Ormond is my favorite character . He is a hunted fugitive and is now on the run . Callum is only 15 years old and he has to survive 365 days . I think that people who like action book would like this . Ages 10 to 15 would probly like it . I love this book because it had a lot of action in it . I had a lot of favorite characters . This book is filled with action , humor , and mystery . This book is for kids who like action and humor . I loved this book and so will you . Their are 4 books in this series so read them all . I love this book because it is about a bunch of friends putting something together . My favorite character is Kate because she never gives up and you can tell she is kindhearted and determined . She didn 't stop trying to earn money for her dad 's b - day present . This is a great book for kids that are thinking about having a lemonade stand . A World Away is about a 16 - year old named Eliza , who has been Amish all her life . She has never tried on a pair of jeans , never made a phone call , or watched TV . She is asked for a nanny job for two kids , and excited accepts . She learns the good , bad , and the ugly of learning of love , life , and lessons of the non - Amish world . She learns that most of the time , the life your blessed with is the life your meant to belong to , even if it doesn 't seem that way . This was a phenomenal book ! I liked this book because it made you think about what is going to happen next . My favorite character is Meg . I like Meg because you can tell she is adventerous and likes taking risks . I think kids from 4th grade to 7th grade would like this adventerous tale . I liked how the author made the setting feel like the future and it could happen . I felt like every chapter Lena was changing and starting to realize love is good and it is something to celebrate . I liked how the ending was put together . I feel like this was a fast paced book that left me wanting more at the end . I thought it was a great book . review by Megan , grade 9 I like it because it was kinda like me . My favorite character is Nikki J . Maxwell . Recommend to 10 , 11 , 12 , and 13 year olds . I felt that Beautiful Creatures had a great story line . I liked that they placed it in the real world . It made it feel like it could happen . I liked how they made the connection with Lena and Ethan . It made it feel magical . All around it was a great book that most people would like to read . Review by Megan , grade 9 It 's very captivating with major romance and mystery . A simpleton guy from a small town finds out that this new summer time city isn 't all its cracked up to be . There are real vampires and some aren 't as friendly as they seem . It is truly a must read for the summer . Review by Robin This book is easy to read and keeps you wanting to know more . Personally , I loved Gus , he was sweet and hilarious . This book is perfect for anyone in middle school or up ! Review by Amanda The book I 'm doing my review on is " Matilda . " I picked Matilda because it 's one of my favorite books . I also enjoyed the movie . Matilda is about a little girl growing up on her own in a family she doesn 't belong . She discovers that she has magical powers . In the end she was adopted by her teacher which she loved , and they lived happily ever after . Curing disease seems to be the new big thing around books these days , yet out of all of them this just might be my favorite . First starting it I thought it was as boring as all heck and put it down , but like anything you can 't start something and not finish it so , I did and absolutely loved it . I highly highly recommend it and if you have the same trouble as me , push through it : I promise it gets better , way better . The characters are really interesting , but I think it is the plot that is the most intriguing . I would recommend this for the young adults age group ( teens ) . Clearly with a rating of five , I enjoyed this book . It was a play off of the original story " Cinderella , " a story that I basically hated as a kid because the main heroine was pathetic and never stood up for herself . The tomboy Cinder is the exact opposite , someone people can actually relate to and an all around likeable character . Cinder was very much original because it didn 't take the exact same story / plotline and rewrite it as a modern story , but took the basic skeleton of the story and added tons of new components making it a new story . It might have been pretty predictable throughout , but overall was really good , so I 'm excited for the next 3 books ! This book was outstanding ! Yes , it was and is most definitely meant for an older audience ( teens and such ) but half of the obscenities are what make this book so great . I 'm sure a lot of teens can relate to what went on in this book . It was hilarious , thought provoking , heart wrenching , and just about every other emotion there is all at the same time . I myself did not enjoy the back cover 's description . I don 't think it made for an intriguing sort of " explanation " , but ignore the back . I did and LOVED this book . So obviously I recommend this book , along with his other books which are also really good . This review is on " Witness " . I chose this book because it is a good / sad book . This book is about a lot of different things but it 's basicly about a Klu Klux Klan group in a small town in Vermont . This book is very racist but it ends up being good in the end . My favorite character was Esther Hirsh a 6 year old girl from New York . Review by Mariah , Grade 9 My book review is on " The BFG . " Also known as " The Big Friendly Giant . " This is a very popular children 's story . I read it for the first time when I was in 2nd grade . This book is mainly about a little girl named Sophie who lived in an orphanage , and one night she was awake and was kidnapped by a friendly giant and taken to giant land where many giants lived . In the end the giant was able to come live with everyone and treated normal . My favorite character was Sophie because she was intelligent . I really liked this book . With many twists and turns it made for suspenseful and exiting reading . I was so happy with it I ended up reading the whole 11 - book series in about a month ! This book was really great . I had seen it on shelves for quite some time and it wasn 't until a while that I picked it up and really saw its … awesomeness . Although I must say it got a little confusing eventually . Bloomability is about a girl who 's family moves a lot - ever 6 months to a new place . Soon she is sent to Switzerland , which she hates , and learns how to speak Italian , Spanish , Japaneze , and French at an American School . She soon makes close friends w / some of her peers and goes on a skiing trip w / them . Two of them are burried in an avalanche , and I won 't tell you if they survive . She soon loves this school and can not bear to leave her friends ( some who are not coming back next year ) and their is no guarantee she will . She soon learns the value of friendship and that no one will ever forget her . Responsible Rosalind , future astrophysicist Skye , Jane the author , and shy batty along with their father are on their way to the summer of their lives at Arundel , home of Jeffrey and the despicable Mrs . Tifton . There will be love . There will be brownies . There will be butterfly wings , bunnies , and bulls . There will be heartbreak , writing , and piano . And , there will be Algebra and roses . Sweet Venom is a wonderful book . It is a fun , exciting take on Greek mythology . I really like the author 's style of writing , she uses descriptive language to create the atmosphere and setting . This book is about three girls who discover that they are long lost triplets , and also descendants of Medusa . They have to keep the mortal world safe from monsters who come out of an abyss to feed on the humans life force . Gradually the wall that separates the mortal word from the abyss starts to break and more and more monsters start to escape the abyss and come into the mortal world . Saved This movie is about teenagers at a Christian school . It is very religious so religious people would love it . They would relate best to Mandy Moore who plays the popular girl trying to save everyone . This movie is also for people who aren 't religious because it has , my favorite character , Cassandra : a Jewish bad girl . She falls in love with Mandy Moore 's crippled brother . This movie involves gayness , a teen pregnancy , and a love affair . I dislike the fact that the pregnant girl didn 't get an abortion , but everyone supported her even though I didn 't . This movie has a happy ending , so if you like those here you go . Review by Devin , grade 12 This book has what my local librarian calls " right of passage . " You have to get through the first part before the book becomes any good . That is what happened with this book . However once I got past the slow part I loved it . The characters were extremely dark and I loved that . There are not many books that has many dark character that are fighting for good . Other than this there are not many things to report back . It was a good book , but any mistakes that really jumped out at me . Review by Paige , grade 10 There were some parts in the book that the dialogue was not the best in the world . There were a ton of times that the author made the characters say , " Oh , blah blah blah . " I do not know about you , but that makes me think that the character is sighing or having an epiphany . I did like the depth of the characters , and the range of them . Polly Shulman has a three year old as a hero in this novel , I think that just comes to show that she thinks that anyone can be a hero , no matter what their size . Another character that you would not suspect to be a hero , Jaya , a ten year old girl . She figures out things that the teens in the novel would never figure out . Review by Paige , grade 10 I think the book is very fast paced . Even when they were in the peaceful country Alex still got shot at by a bunch of spoiled stuck up boys . The action never stopped from the beginning to the end . I loved it because it was a book based on comparison between boys & dogs and girls & cats . My favorite character was Yumi , Annabelle 's friend because of how much she loved animals . A sixth grader who was new at school and wanted to be able to blend in . I liked this book because it was funny . The outfit designs were pretty . You can tell that Annie has a big imagination . In this book you 'll see a blast of fun and style ! Terrier is the first book I 've read by Tamora Pierce , who people have been recommending to me for a long time , so perhaps I went into it with my expectations a little too high . Or maybe reading murder mystery books geared for adults has ruined me for reading Young Adult murder mysteries . Or it could have been that my dubious talent for spotting the hidden bad guys of a story kicked in , but by the 300th page , I knew what the ending was going to be . I knew who shadowed ( geddit ? ) antagonist was . So for me , it was a bit of a drag reading the last 200 odd pages in the book , only to have everything I 'd already known confirmed in the last five pages . Of course , as I said , my realizing the whole ending could just be one of my talents for guessing plot lines , so don 't let that turn you off of the book . I also wasn 't a fan of the first couple pages , but that 's a matter of personal style preference , so I 'll let you draw your own opinions . Now that I 've gone over what I didn 't like , I start with what I did , The heroine , Rebakah , was strong , with a large supporting cast who helped her along , but it didn 't feel like they were constantly having to rescue her out of everything . She was clever , if slightly naive , but that fades as the book progresses . Tamora Pierce certainly knows what she 's doing in creating a tough girl . The world was very interesting , and I enjoyed learning more about the Dogs , the peacekeepers of the land . They do use slightly different language , so that can take a little while to get used to , but if you 're really stuck on a word , try the glossary in the back . There 's also a character index and a list of terms it can be good to be familiar with as you learn about their world . I 'm not sure that I had a favorite character , but I was fond of Rosto , the roughish character who sweeps in a few chapters in , and Beka 's two Dogs , Turnstall and Goodwin , who are charged with training her from a training puppy into a full - fledged Dog . I would recommend this book to tweens or younger teens with a taste for resourceful , stroReview by Thea I think this book is interesting because it 's about 3 fifteen year old boys who are told to find summer jobs but they will do anything to have freedom for their last summer before they enter the working world . My favorite character would be Curtis because he acts like a leader . This book is perfect for the teens who are trying to get out of there summer jobs . First of all I liked this book because I liked how the wolves find the new land . My favorite character was Gwyneth because she was a brave owl and I love Guardian of Ga ' Hoole series . My least favorite character was Edme . She was an annoying wolf . I think people who like wolves . Rhine Ellery lives in a futuristic society where women die at 20 and men die at 25 years of age . There are some who are researching the possibility of an antidote but few live long enough to make progress . Rhine is a strong - willed 16 year old who is kidnapped and introduced to a new wealthy lifestyle , but what she discovers is so horrible she knows she has to escape somehow . And housemaster Vaughn is watching around every corner . Is Rhine able to escape ? Is she able to find an antidote to the disease that is wiping out the human race ? Check out Wither today ! The Serpent 's Shadow by Rick Riordan is about two kids ages 14 and 12 who are magicians . It 's about the Egyptian gods . I loved the book because it was full of adventure and action . The reason that I only give it 4 stars was because sometimes it talks in to much detail . The funniest part is when ( pretty often ) the brother and sister fight . It is told in past tense so they fight while they 're narrating . And that is what i think of The Serpent 's Shadow . Review by Reese " The Hardy Boys " is an awesome chapter book series that is FULL of mysteries , on after another . The main characters are 2 teens , Joe and Frank Hardy . You should read this book if you like mysteries . According to a Gallop poll , 92 % of Americans were aware of Nixon 's visit to Communist China in the 1970s . His visit broke a decades long silence of formal communications between the US and China . This cemented a new start in Sino - American relations and both gained a bargaining ship against a common enemy : the Soviet Union . Margaret MacMillian did not just describe and dissect Nixon 's trip ; instead , she explores the lives and background of the main characters : Nixon , Kissenger , Chou , and Mao . She also explains the large amount of background work that had to be conducted in secret in order to make the trip possible . Bear in mind , this is a serious historical read , however ; you will learn the intricacies and some funny anecdotes behind politics and diplomacy . Review by Jemmy , grade 12 As the person I am , I have read almost all of Meg Cabot 's books . This series is by far the best that I have read of hers . She actually make the person who is in the position of Hades seem normal and like someone who was actually a man . Someone who knows what it feels like to die , through that he shows more sympathy than in other characters I have seen who have played the role of Hades . I also loved how John has more background , something more interesting , than the normal stories about the lord of the dead . This book is a lot less confusing than the first book , which is good . Where the first book flips between past and present a lot , this book stays with Pierce the entire time . This book also explains a lot more in a lot more detail , mainly because the main character is not as clueless in this book than in the first one . Some of my favorite parts are when she sees the curtains fluttering . I like this because the curtains are white and seem symbolic in a place of death . It makes me think that there is innocence and purity in the Underworld . It also makes me think that Pierce is getting to start over , that the white curtains mean a clean slate for her . It is kind of like the pomegranate in the Underworld , everyone thinks it is one thing , when it actually means something else entirely . Some parts of the dialogue were a little weird for me . I don 't know why , but whenever someone puts something with and " Oh , " in front of a name it just sounds ridiculous . I loved this book . When I read the first one I couldn 't believe it was over . There had to be more to Rebecca 's story , and I was right . This book takes you back into the life of Rebecca Brown , a normal teenage girl who can see ghost , but not all ghost , just the ones that let Rebecca see them , or if you are holding a hand of a ghost . That is how Frank notices Rebecca ; he saw her with Lisette the year before when they walked to her house in the Treme . In this part of the Ruined series you can really see the characters flourish . There is Rebecca who shows that she is strong and confident ( most of the time . ) Anton who now shows that he only believed in ghost because of the curse on the Bowman family and believes that Lisette was the only ghost in New Orleans and tries to fight it off when Rebecca tells him otherwise . Ling , a ndw character , who is like a confidante for most of the book , but then she really shows her intelligence in the end . Then you have Toby , who you think is even more of a nut case than in the first book . The only bad thing about this book is that it is really confusing at the end . What happened to Delphine ? Why did she move on ? Was it because she saw that Frank was moving on ? Then the Epilogue was kind of confusing too . It kind of leaves you wondering what is happening here ? Does this mean that Paula Morris is thinking about writing a third book , making this into a large series , or just keeping it down at two ? This book was amazing , however it was too short . Throughout the entire book I felt like something more could be explained . Or what as explained could be elaborated more on . However , Josephine did an excellent job with what she wrote . Everything made moresense in this book than any of the others , ( which is what she wanted to do , I think . ) and was beautifully crafted so everyone ( well , almost everyone ) got their happy ending . Reading through this series it was exciting to see how each person changed and developed , even though some did not . Characters people didn 't like very much get some justice behind them and end themselves with very noble acts . The only true problem I had while reading this story was the epilogue . It felt way too long and that the author was trying to rap up a story that wasn 't completely closed . I feel that if she wanted to Josephine Angelini could write another novel that explains more of what ends up happening to everybody . Some parts I was okay with the wrap up ( Jerry and Kate ) and others I wasn 't ( Lucas 's situation ) . Younger generations on occasion associate history with school , and in the beginning of the summer that is the last thing anyone wants to think about . This story of the war , the living conditions , and the tensions of the years preceding 1812 until the years dating after the war , shows relations to the present . The relations are not in the difficulties , but more so in the language and thoughts of America 's founders . These similarities cause the formation of fantastic relationships . These relationships are between the reader and the historical figures , in this historical review . This author is successful his attempt to connect the present and the past . This adventure with Katie Kazoo is as wild as always . Her teacher Mrs . Derkman moves in next door . What a surprise . Once again the magic wind comes and turns her into Pepper . Pepper ( Katie ) does some crazy stuff and then when she turns back into herself she fixes everything . Pepper is my favorite character . Francine and Muffy have a bet that Francine can 't be nice for a whole week . Muffy bets her Princess Peach watch . Arthur and his friends push Francine to the limit but she holds back her temper . My favorite character is Muffy . Find out what happens to Francine as she tries to be nice for a whole week . This book is amazing ! It 's about 2 rabbits named Hazel and Fiver who try to leave their home warren . It really makes you think about how rabbits live in the wild and how similar and at the same time how different rabbits are to humans . Review by Johanna I loved Fairest because it was about things like love and hatred and there were a lot of details which helped me get an image of the story in my head , making the story better . My favorite character was Ijory because he was nice to everyone . I think someone who enjoyed magical things , like fairies , would like it . A girl named Amu Hinamori wants to be her true self . She ends up with 3 character guardians who help her . People that work for Easter steal her eggs and guardians ! She has to protect them and save the characters . I 'd say this was a pretty good book . If you enjoy modern adaptations of classic books or old fairy tales , I think you would enjoy this book . This book is really inventive , gorey , and definitely draws the reader in . Although the end was sort of anticlimactic , the whole rest of the book was really enthralling , though you still want to know what happens in the next 2 books . I would recommend this for maybe the younger teens and older kids . The book I choose to do this review on is " Middle School . " I choose this book because it comes from a great series . This book is about Georgea Khatchadorian who plans to do good in her middle school but along the way her brother fails and it brings her reputation of a " good student " down . My favorite character is Rafe , which is the brother who is failing in school . Lemonade Mouth is an interesting , inspirational book giving a heartwarming ( and heart breaking ) story on how kids can change the world just by standing up for what is right using just simple actions . Lemonade Mouth gives the story of five different teens ' point of views . Each band member had different problems and backgrounds that all real kids can relate to , but they overcome their issues through music , and rebellion ! Review by Kelly , grade 7 I hated this book because it was boring and talked about princess and prince dating . My least favorite character was Princess Ben . Although she could magic , it was a boring story . I think people who love to read princess and magic , but I don 't like this book ! I love reading books by John Green and Looking for Alaska was especially interesting because of the recurring theme of a labyrinth of suffering and what our purpose here on Earth is . The characters were vivid and I enjoyed Miles ' habit of " collecting " last words from people . This book is a thought pondering adventure that was very entertaining to read . I would only recommend this book to mature teenagers due to certain elements not suitable for younger ages . But if you are mature and like a good book , any of John Green 's books are awesome to read ! I liked it because it was an interesting story . I had a book , and my favorite character was Emmett . I would think that this book would be for 14 + ages . I would think this book would be for fans of romantic , vampire books or movies . The Cathedrals 20 All Time Favorites This is a wonderful Southern Gospel cd . The Cathedrals were a wonderful group . My Favorite song on this cd is " I Can See the Hand " . I also like several other ones a lot . Others I like are " A Wonderful Time Up There " , " The Last Sunday " , " Echoes from the Burning Bush " , and " The Love of God " . This is a collection of songs from different recordings the group did and has several different members of the group on it . Of course it has George Younce and Glen Payne who were with the group the whole time . I Think this is a wonderful cd and is definitely worth listening to . Southern Gospel 's Top Twenty Songs of the Century I really liked this cd . It is really good and has many of the best Southern Gospel groups ever . My favorite songs are " I Never Shall Forget the Day " , " I Know " , " Jesus is Coming Soon " , " This Old House / When the Saints go Marching in " , and " Give the World a Smile " . There were not any that I really did not like although I did have favorites . If you really like Southern Gospel you will really like this cd . Even though I am thirteen and really like it most of the time this kind of music would be something more adults would like . I really liked this cd . Jake Hess was one of the best singers ever and this cd is a tribute to him put together by Bill Gaither with a bunch of recordings of him . My favorite song is \ " Up Above My Head \ " with him and George Younce singing . Most of these songs were from the Gaither Homecoming videos and some were really old videos of him . One funny one was where they were singing \ " The Fourth Man \ " with Jake Hess , Tim Lovelace , Rex Nelon , George Younce , and another guy . they did it several times to get it right . I think every body would like this if they tried it . This movie was one of the best ever made . IT is an older movie and is in black and white , and it is still one of the best . It is a really funny movie . My favorite character was Andy Griffith playing as Will Stockdale , but I also like his friend Ben and Sergeant King . It is a really good movie . I like it a lot . I think anybody would like it . I would definitely recommend watching it sometime . It is a movie worth watching . This was one of the best cd 's ever . It was done in 1995or1996 I 'm not exactly sure . IT was celebrating the Speer Family having been a group for seventy five years . The singers are Brock Speer , Faye Speer , Ben Speer , Mary Tom Speer Reid , and Rosa Nell Speer Powell . There were also a few other people which sang with them on certain songs . They were Eddy Bolton , Karen Apple , Harold Lane , Allison Durham Speer , Marc Speer , and few others . My favorite song is " I Want to be Ready to Meet Him " . I did not like " All Day Singin ' and Dinner on the Ground " . I thought that song sounded strange and not like Southern Gospel normally does . By the way the Speer Family was a Southern Gospel group so this cd of course has Southern Gospel music on it mainly and few other songs . One I like is " What a Day That Will Be " with Brock Speer singing one verse and Eddy Bolton singing another . My favorite singer on this disc and out of the group is Ben Speer . He normally sang the lead or tenor for the group . This is an old cd and Brock Speer has now passed away and the others are older now and are not singing as a group . I think it is wonderful to have this recording of them all singing . They also sang several songs that G . T . Speer , their father wrote . These include " I Want to be Ready to Meet Him " , " Some Glad Day " , " Sweeter Each Day " , " The Dearest Fried I Ever Had " , and " Heaven 's Jubilee " . I think the Speer Family was the best Southern Gospel Group ever . This would probably appeal to older adults because many younger people may not have even known of the group and if they are not Christians and don 't like Southern Gospel they would not like it either . I really like it though and I am only thirteen . I think if younger people were introduced to this kind of music they would like it as well as I do . It is wonderful music . I think this cd is definitely worth trying to find if you don 't have it , and it is a great cd to listen to . I thought this was a great movie . It was really funny and my sister and I liked it so much that we watched it seven times within a span of about a month . It was really neat how they were all racing to get there and find the big W . It showed several cars driving really fast and racing down the roads . It also had a lot of funny people in this movie . I think m favorite character was Captain Culpepper . There were several really funny parts in it as well . A few were Phil Silvers as Otto Meyer driving his car down the stream into the river , the Crumps getting locked in the basement of the store and their attempts to get out ( which they finally did ) , and Captain Culpepper talking on the phone with his daughter Billy Sue and when he threw his hat out the window . One art that you probably should skip though is the part where Mrs . Marcus talks to Sylvester , her son , on the phone because he was with this girl and this girl was not wearing enough and they had not good music on in the background . Mrs . Marcus talks to him three times and two out of three you should skip . Sylvester himself is fine to watch later because he was a really funny character in the movie and is fine after that . This movie was done in the sixties so it is a pretty old movie , but it is great and is definitely worth finding and watching sometime . It would appeal more to older kids and adults . Younger kids would not understand the funny things in this movie and might find it not very interesting as I did when I was a lot younger . It has really funny stuff and not any of the bad or crude humor that you would find in lots of \ " funny \ " movies today . This was wonderful movie that everyone should see . I loved this movie because of the way they made it alive . It seemed so real . My favorite character was Pi Patel because of his amazing adventure . I would love to see what I would do in his situation . I think people who are from ages 12 and up would love this movie . I decided to do my review on " Rango " because it 's a very extravagant movie due to the fact that the animals talk ! In this movie there is a chameleon " Rango " who has to find his inner voice . In the beginning he gets dropped out of his car and is stranded in the desert . He becomes the sheriff of a small town which has a evil plotting major who has all of the water to build a new town . My favorite character was " Rango " which is the main character . The movie I 'm doing this review on is " Holes . " I decided to do a review on this movie because it 's one of my favorites . This movie is mainly about Stanley Yelnats gets sent away to a correctional camp for stealing shoes , that he was wrongly accused for . There family believes in this 100 year old curse that his great great grandfather put on them . In the end he finds a treasure chest that was meant for him all along , but throughout the whole movie they would look back into the past and tell the story of " kissing Kate Barlow . " Which was one of my favorite characters , my other favorite character was Theodore aka " Arm pit . " The movie I 'm doing this review on is " Zathura " . I choose Zathura because it is a good movie . Zathura is about two brothers who are left at home with their older sister . ( Which she doesn 't watch them well ) . The two brothers play a game called " Zathura " which comes to stop the bad things from happening they have to finish the game . My favorite character was the " Robot " . Even though they only showed him once he was funny . My least favorite character was the older brother , because he was mean and had a bad attitude .

I had a new blog every day whether it was a book review , guest author , or something I wrote . I also wrote something new the first and third Tuesday 's of the month for Make Mine Mystery , The Stiletto Gang , and an occasional post on the Oak Tree Press blog . When I was free , I attended the San Joaquin chapter of Sisters in Crime . My first appearance of the year was in February at the Exeter Museum where I spoke to the Tulare County Historical Society . I also gave a presentation to the Writers of Kern in Bakersfield . In March , I headed to Ridgecrest and spoke to the Ridgecrest Writers group . I also had the book launch for Angel Lost at Books Off Main in Porterville . I did a month long blog tour for Angel Lost too . In May , I gave a presentation out at West Hills College in Lemoore . We headed out to Las Vegas where I spoke to the Las Vegas chapter of Sisters in Crime at Barnes and Noble . I sold book at a booth at Visalia 's Young at Heart Days and participated in a mystery panel at the Cedar Clinton Library in Fresno . In June , Hubby and I boarded my daughter 's mobile home and headed to Sedona AZ where I gave a talk at the library and another at the Well Red Coyote Bookstore . ( And also had a lot of fun . ) This month I was also on an 11 day , 11 author blog tour . At the end of the month , I gave a talk to the writers group at Willow Bridge Bookstore in Oakhurst . We joined several other writers and some crafts person at the Nipomo Library in August . Killer Nashville in TN was our next big trip . We had fun and I spent time with my OTP publisher and say many writing friends . In September , I was a presenter for the Central Coast Writers Conference in San Luis Obispo . That was great fun . I also had a table at the Central Coast Book Fair . My next Deputy Tempe Crabtree mystery , Bears With Us made its appearance . In October I had the book launch for Bears with Us at Books Off Main . We spent two days selling books at the Springville Apple Festival . I also had another month long blog tour . In November , we went on a week long mystery cruise to Mexico . The last week in November and the first week in December , I participated in an 11 day blog tour with 11 authors , a bit frantic but also fun . We also helped celebrate Sisters in Crime 's 25th birthday with the Central Coast Chapter of Sisters in Crime . Winnie Enloe Furrer contributed true stories about the Huckababy family , a pioneering family complete with photographs . John Noel added a bit of non - fiction an some poetry . Mary Benton 's short stories have their roots in the valley - - and well - worth the read . There is something for everyone in this anthology . Art Wallace Neeson 's tales contain a wry sense of humor and Gloria Getman 's stories often end with an ironic twist . This review would be far too long if I listed every author and described every piece , so I 'll conclude with anyone who has the opportunity to read this book will enjoy him / herself . Highly recommended and I give it 5 Stars . Thanks , Marilyn , for inviting me to tell a bit about how Leaves from the Valley Oak came about . Last April I suggested to the Visalia & Exeter Writers that we publish an anthology . Each member had written some outstanding pieces and it seemed like they deserved to be published . But the market for them is small and the competition is great . They agreed that they liked the idea - if it would be done economically . CreatsSpace seemed to be the best option , and Mary Benton and I volunteered to be the editors . Editing and organizing the pieces was the easy part . Formatting a book with twelve contributors was the hard part . Word is a wonderful program , but tricking it into the desired format is a challenge . Each header needed to reflect the contributing author . I downloaded the CreateSpace template and loaded the book into it . Each time I put in a page break everything in the book moved , fouling up the header and footers . To say I learned a lot is an understatement . In the meantime , we decided we wanted to make our own cover . Mary and I took out trusty cameras and went looking for an oak tree to photograph . A dozen pictures later , we settled on the ones we liked best . Fortunately , Sylvia Ross , one of our members , is a whiz with Photo Shop . She made all our pictures better , so much better that the cover picture file was too big . She put a nice frame around it and then the people at CreateSpace accepted it . By September I had the entire manuscript fixed in place and made it into a pdf . But when I scrolled through , I saw that somehow page breaks had moved and page numbers were incorrect after page 150 . Back to the drawing board . It took three times before I had it laid out right and sent it off for CreateSpace approval . Getting the first proof back was a thrill - until we found all the mistakes . I took the book down at the site to make the corrections , sent it again and ordered another proof . We were satisfied and gave our approval . It was the middle of November when we ordered our author 's copies . Expense wise , the books cost us a tad over $ 5 per copy . Not bad . Another plus for CreateSpace is that the books they publish are printed in the good old USA ; South Carolina , to be specific . DIY publishing has been made so easier with all the new on - line avenues . If anyone has questions , I can be reached at ggetman5592 @ verizon . net . Also check out my blog : gloriagetman . blogspot . com and meet some of the contributors to Leaves from the Valley Oak . Posted by Next , I did a spell and grammar check . Not so much to really check the grammar because I like incomplete sentences , and poor grammar in some characters ' dialogue - - but to find places where there are extra spaces , extra periods and numerous other oddball things that gremlins seem to put into manuscripts . Now I 've printed out the whole thing - - the only way to really edit - - and I going through it carefully . This is the only way to find holes in the plot , ( yes , I 'm finding them ) , name changes ( oh , my , I can 't believe I do that ) , loose ends ( things I 've left dangling . ) . This takes awhile . That 's the order of the series for those of you who like to read a series from the beginning . However , each book was written as a stand - alone in that the mystery is solved at the end of the story . The main characters are ongoing . Through each book , Tempe learns more and more about her Native American heritage . " About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire . This was the first census when Quirinius was the governor of Syria . Everyone had to travel to his hometown to be accounted for . So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah , David 's hometown , for the census . As a decendant of David he had to go there . He went with Mary , his fiancee , who was pregnant . While they were there , the time came for her to give birth . She gave birth to a son , her firstborn . She wrapped Him in a blanket and laid Him in a manger , because there was no room for them in the hostel . There were shepherds camping in the neighborhood . They had set night watches over their sheep . Suddenly , God 's angel stood among them and God 's glory blazed around them . They were terrified . The angel said , " Don 't be afraid . I 'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody worldwide : A Savior has just been born in David 's town , a Savior who is Messiah and Master . This is what you 're to look for : a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger . " At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God 's praises : " Glory to God in the heavenly heights ; Peace to all men and women on earth who please Him . " As the angel choir withdrew into heaven , the shepherds talked it over . " Let 's get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us . " They left , running , and found Mary and Joseph , and the baby lying in the manger . Seeing was believing . They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child . All who heard the shepherds were impressed . Mary kept all these things to herself , holding them dear , deep within herself . The shepherds returned and let loose , glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen . It turned out exactly the way they 'd been told ! " ( Luke 2 : 1 - 20 ) Merry Christmas to all , and to all a good day . Posted by At this point , I have no idea if I 'm having any company tonight or not . I bought what I call snick snacks just in case : cheeses , deli meat , crackers , dip , chips and pies . Enough to fill any bellies that might cross our door . This year we decided to meet at the Thai Kitchen , a favorite of many of us . Shirley and I are the oldest members in two ways , age ( I win ) and we 've been in the group the longest . ( Shirley wins because she started it , but I 've belonged since 1981 when I found a listing about it in the newspaper . ) We come from many backgrounds , religious faiths and politics - - but it hasn 't mattered a bit . The philosophy of the group has always been to critique the writing , not the subject matter . It really has never been a problem except once eons ago when I was writing horror and one of the one of the older members said , " I don 't read this junk . " Fortunately , nothing like that has happened since . I consider this bunch my first editors . Shirley has taught me so much about grammar . Brent looks at things from a male point of view . Jann sees another way of looking at things . Kristi and Lisa add a lot when it comes to romance and a younger view . The first one I can really remember was at my great - grandmother 's house . Because my sister did our genealogy I know that she was a quite a woman . She started out in life as Desdemona Diana and along with her sisters who had equally lovely names , was adopted . Her adopted family changed her name to Minnie . As Minnie she married a man who was killed while driving a horse driven wagon . When he died she was left to figure out a way to make a living on her own and she opened her home up to boarders , mostly railroad men . It was in this house that I remember that first Christmas . I wasn 't five yet , because I didn 't have a sister , who came along when I started kindergarten . This makes me think I was probably 4 . All I really remember about Great - Grandma Smith 's house , was the living room was in the middle , no windows , just lots of doors that went to other rooms . The Christmas tree was in the living room , but I don 't remember what else , though I think a long dining room table . That Christmas Eve I know I slept on a pallet in the kitchen . Sometime in the night I heard the reindeer on the roof and bells ringing . So I knew Santa Claus had managed to find me even though I was a long way from home . Those who are published by traditional publishers - - the New York variety - - look down with disdain on the indie published . Indie published can mean anything from self - publishing in the many ways of doing that these days and including various forms of e - publishing . And of course the others strike back with all sorts of arguments which I 'm not going to bother to go into . The traditional publishers don 't feel that those who are self - publishing or with small publishers are getting edited making their book inferior . ( Frankly , I 've read a lot of New York published books , especially by big name authors , that suffered from lack of editing . ) They also proudly announce that they make far more money and have much more prestige . ( Probably true except for a few e - pubbed authors who have figured out the secret to promotion . ) Oh , and there 's also the fact that an e - book doesn 't smell like a real book . ( I don 't sniff my books . ) I think small presses should be looked at by themselves . Of course some small presses are better than others . Most of them now do e - books and trade paperbacks . Most small presses have editors and hire professional book cover designers . I think all my book covers are great and look better than many of the New York publishers ' book covers . No , I don 't make much money , but though it would be nice , that 's not why I write . I write because I have to write and I 'm thankful I have two publishers who are willing to publish my books . I don 't want to learn how to do that - - even though it 's much easier and less costly than it used to be . I do a tremendous amount of promotion for my books - - something that most authors do no matter who publishes them unless they are a big name . Oh , there is publicity for the big names , but they didn 't have to pay for it or arrange it . And now to my point , ranting and raving about the differences and which one is better isn 't going to change anything . However you 're published , be thankful and move on . Write the next book . Plan the promotion . Be writing another book while you 're promoting the last one . Not only be grateful to your publisher , but also to your readers . My publisher just read through No Bells , next in the Rocky Bluff crime novel . For some reason the last few pages of the manuscript were missing . I checked my file and everything was there as it should be . I sent the manuscript again as an attachment . It arrived safely , but there was another problem . She really didn 't like the way it ended . I took another look and agreed with her specific criticism . It didn 't take much to make a change that she did like , so now we 're off and rolling again . Or at least I hope that it is moving along . Not sure exactly what will happen next . I 'm hoping for a cover fairly soon as I have blogs I need to do that want covers and I 'm planning to set up a blog tour for April . Just a hint about this coming book , it centers on Officer Gordon Butler . Poor Gordon , he 's one of these people that seems to have a dark cloud over his head , if something bad can happen , it will . I 've learned that many of my readers really like Gordon . I hope they 'll like his new adventure . Another fun thing about this book is the name of one of the main characters is the name of a friend of mine . She has a wonderful name and her daughter entered her mom in a contest to be a character in my next RBPD novel . It turns out that she 's a prime murder suspect and a love interest . Frankly , I can 't hardly wait for No Bells to be a reality . Remember , this is written by my alter ego , F . M . Meredith . Thank you , Marilyn , for hosting me today . I am thrilled to be here with you and your mystery readers . I am spotlighting my mystery , Sunshine Boulevard , on your blog . Because it is holiday time , I am giving away a copy of my holiday , short story , The Good Neighbors . Please leave a comment to be eligible to win . Don 't be disappointed if your name isn 't drawn , because the humorous story is available at Amazon at http : / / www . amazon . com / dp / B0066CYXQI All royalties from the sale of this story support local food pantries . Sunshine Boulevard takes place in Florida . My husband and I visited Florida with our kids when they were young . We returned to Florida when we were full - time RV ' ers , living in the fifth wheel trailer twelve months out of the year and traveling the country . We have met some real characters in our travels . It was only natural to combine those personalities and place them in Florida , famous for its quirky crime and unbelievable events . I chose a retirement community , not only because we are familiar with them , but because I wanted people to remember that just because folks retire , it doesn 't mean they lose their value to society . Janet grew up in the Midwest amid flat lands blessed with fertile fields of corn and soybeans and wide horizons colored by vivid sunsets . The hard working people there have influenced her life values and writings . Janet is a wife , mother , and grandmother . Those are the most important facts about her . She is a wife to Ted , mother to their two grown daughters , mother - in - law ( ouch ) , and grandmother to four young grandsons and one granddaughter . Aren 't grandmas supposed to sit in a rocking chair on the porch and wear their white hair up in a fly away bun ? Not anymore ! ! She taught elementary school , then moved into the small business world when she and her husband owned and operated a floral shop , garden center and greenhouses . After the sale of the business , full - time RVing was the next life adventure as she and her husband chased the sunshine across the country seeing new places and making new friends while working on various projects . This fantastic lifestyle afforded many opportunities for writing travel articles and stories on the RVing lifestyle . Her first published mystery , Sunshine Boulevard , sprang from her experiences as she traveled the state of Florida . Her latest humorous holiday short story , The Good Neighbors , is the result from living in a Florida retirement community . Janet spends her winters in Florida and her summers up north camping and hunting salamanders , toads , frogs , and snakes with her grandchildren . Blogging and photography occupy her spare time as well as playing her favorite board game , Pegs and Jokers Blurb : Who or what is killing the seniors on Sunshine Boulevard ? Follow Jim and Gloria Hart , snowbirds who annually migrate to Florida for warm sunshine , fun , and games in snow - free winters . However this season , Jim Hart , a volunteer First Responder in his retirement community of Citrus Ridge , is drawn into the investigation of the mysterious deaths . Even in the midst of the unfortunate demise of the residents on Sunshine Boulevard , the Harts try to enjoy the winter with friends . They don 't realize that their friends are getting together for their own kinds of affairs with each other . The neighbors are in a dither over the deaths , but perhaps more intrigued by the gossip about the affairs and why the naked lady was found lying in the geranium bed When it was days late from the due date of my third child , we decided it wouldn 't be smart to travel to L . A . like we usually did for Christmas , so everyone came to my house . Nine months and several days pregnant , I cooked a turkey dinner and served my grandparents , parents , sister , her hubby and her three kids . I 'm sure they all helped though they came on Christmas day , so I 'd done the major share of the cooking . ( That baby arrived on the 28th . ) One in particular I remember when hubby was overseas and I was living on allotment checks that barely covered our bills and needs . I ordered the kids ' Christmas gifts out of a catalog , only a few days before Christmas I was informed by mail that my order had been denied . Oh , my , what was I to do ? We were leaving for my parents ( where I knew they 'd have some gifts ) but I had nothing to take with me . My mom took pity on me and gave me $ 20 and I managed to buy great gifts for all three kids . ( That 's back in the day when $ 20 was a lot of money . ) I learned a big lesson from that experience , from then on I started buying , or making , Christmas presents all year long and I never had a disastrous Christmas like that again . No one was supposed to open gifts until hubby and were up - - so often the kids woke us at 4 or 5 a . m . One year they slept in , disappointing for me because I had to be at work early for a split shift . When I came home , of course they 'd already opened their presents and I didn 't get to watch . That was also the only Christmas that we ate our dinner in a restaurant because I suppose I was the only one capable of cooking Christmas dinner . After both my sister and her family and me and most of my family moved to the foothills of the Sierra , we celebrated two Christmases . One with all our families , including grandkids , in our big house . As the family grew bigger , more grandkids , we moved to a recreation hall at a mobile home park where one of my nephews and his family lived . Then another big switch came when my sis and her whole family moved to Las Vegas . About this time most of my kids decided to have their own Christmas celebrations . What family was left came to our house Christmas Eve for opening presents , and then back on Christmas day for dinner . I am so blessed with many grandkids and great grandkids . The above are two of the three kids of my first grandson , who was born on our wedding anniversary . I must confess that 's the only date of my grandkids that I can remember . Several of them are really talented athletes . Great - grandson Brandon , the first in line , is planning to be an MMA fighter and a preacher . ( Interesting combination , right ? ) His brother , Aaron , is good at all sports . Sister Carolyn is great playing volleyball or on the basketball court . ( They belong to granddaughter Melissa . ) Had a phone call last night from Granddaughter Merenda , she said her almost 3 year old wanted to talk to her g - grandma and grandpa . That 's us . We had an interesting conversation . I know she visited the next door neighbor and played with the dog , and she planned on playing with Barbies as soon as we said goodbye . This year we 're having a crime scene for all to participate in figuring out all the clues . We 'll see how the novices do against the experts . This is being brought to us by retired Chicago police officer and mystery writer , Michael A . Black and Steve Scarborough , forensic expert and published non - fiction and mystery and thriller writers . The story steps back in time to bring the reader up - to - date as to why Lang is being pursed . After being framed for murder and stock fraud , a contract is put out on his life . On the run , Lang goes through one perilous danger after another . He 's shot and nearly drowns . Rescued , Lang recovers and figures out a way to get back at his former colleagues while putting himself in even more danger . Jim Lang 's life sputtered into a workaholic rut on a middle rung of the corporate ladder while his colleagues , using his business plan , became the international business titans he once aspired to be . Bad memories of busted marriages and broken promises are all that keep him company in his personal hours so he is more than willing to sacrifice that empty time to his job to make the corporation grow . His bosses have one more sacrifice in mind for him . To die for them . Frank Scully was born and raised in a small town in North Dakota and received a Bachelor 's degree in History with Phi Beta Kappa Honors and a Juris Doctor degree in Law from the University of North Dakota . He then served more than five years as a Judge Advocate General Corps Officer in the U . S . Army in the U . S . , Vietnam , and Thailand . After that he attended the prestigious Thunderbird School and received a Masters in Business Administration with honors . In his professional career he has worked as an executive with large aerospace and defense manufacturers and also owned his own small business . This is by far the most exciting book I 've read in a long , long time . A thriller , Soft Target , is about terrorists who lock down a huge mall and start shooting . Yes , they have demands , but there is far more behind what 's going on than that . This is what makes this thriller so exciting , the layers and layers of plot that intertwine in the most unusual and surprising ways . It 's also a tale of modern times , true heroism , when politics get in the way of common sense , and the unfortunate goals of too many of today 's journalists . The hero is someone we all hope will be around when something as big as what is depicted in this story depicts . Saying too much more might take away the sheer pleasure of reading this great page - turner . Can you tell I liked it ? Narrows Gate by Jim Fusilli is compelling and unique . Unique in that it is based on real people and occurrences , but fictionalized . It 's the story of the rise of the Italian mobs , the life of a gifted and popular singer and how they are intermingled . For the younger reader , this might merely be an exciting read . For someone more mature who lived during the time period of this book , it 's fascinating to follow along and see where fiction deviates from history . A masterful writer , Fusilli has created a story with all the flavor and nuances of the times and places the intriguing characters are moving through . That 's the review I put on Amazon and I 'd like to add a bit more . Though the mob plays a big part in this tale , one of the major characters is a singer very much based upon Frank Sinatra . Of course there are many differences , but having lived during that era it was easy to recognize what was true and what was fiction - - and for me it added to the fun of the book . I thoroughly enjoyed reading Narrows Gate and recommend it . When I was a kid and lived in L . A . , my folks always made several trips to the beach . That 's where I learned to swim in the ocean , but I knew how to swim since I was 5 . ( Learned in an irrigation ditch , it was swim or drown . ) I remember one trip as a teen with a church group to the beach . We had a big bonfire ( yep , you could do that way back then ) and I swam out past the waves ( something I always did ) , but when I decided to come back in I didn 't know where to go . I didn 't have my glasses on and there were lots of bonfires on the beach . I decided to just go to shore , then try to figure it out then . When my children were small ( 3 at that time ) we 'd start going to the beach in March . I 'd put our blanket right by the life guard station ( even though there wasn 't one on duty that early in the season ) so when I swam out past the waves , I knew where to come back . You can 't wear glasses when swimming in the ocean . I never worried about sharks either , this was before the movie Jaws . Once I was swimming and a helicopter came over and a loudspeaker warned there were sharks in the water . I didn 't care , I hadn 't finished my swim . As I added kids to the family , finally had five , we always went to the beach . It was close and free . My kids loved to swim in the ocean as much as I did . The last time I ventured into the ocean to swim was in Hawaii when my sis and I and my mom went for a vacation together . Sis and I swam in the ocean at Oahu , in rough waves in Kauai , and out way to far at Maui . That was absolutely wonderful . It 's fun to look back at what I used to do for fun . Would I get in the ocean now ? Not unless I was in Hawaii or someplace like that where the water is warm . I 'd never get in that cold water I used to swim in - - I 'd probably die of a heart attack . I don 't really remember it being all that cold back then , but I was so much younger . About being a publisher : I 've spent roughly the last 12 years in the publishing world . I have a B . A . summa cum laude in English and Communications . From 1999 - 2004 , I went from being an intern to an editorial assistant to an associate editor of a regional magazine . In 2004 , I started Tribute Books . Since that time , I 've worked with dozens of authors , illustrators , photographers and editors in publishing over 30 books . Some of our books have gone on to win awards such as the Christian Small Publisher Book of the Year and the Mom 's Choice Award while others were endorsed by PBS and The Thoreau Society . We 've published a wide variety of genres from children 's picture books to history to sports under both traditional and subsidy contracts . In 2012 , we 'll embark on a new transition becoming solely an e - publisher of young adult titles . There will be no charge for the young adult authors we select to work with , and they will receive 50 % of the net profits of their ebook sales in quarterly royalty payments . What we are looking for : 1 . Why did you decide to only publish young adult titles ? Our transition is based on three factors . On a business level , the young adult genre sells especially if it is well written and has a paranormal romance theme . On a marketing level , the devotion of the young adult fan base is unparalleled . On a personal level , I thoroughly enjoy a good young adult novel and review many on my blog at http : / / tributebooksreviews . blogspot . com . I 'm a believer in doing what you love and working with like - minded people , when it 's at all possible . Currently , our ebook sales are currently outpacing our print sales by 2 to 1 . The book industry is in a state of transition , and the shift in momentum is palpable . It is similar to the movement of when iTunes music downloads outstripped CD sales . All indications point to the ebook trend continuing to expand with the explosion of popularity of e - readers like the Kindle , Nook and iPad . As the prices of the e - readers continue to come down and with bookstores continuing to close , readers will be looking for the quickest , easiest and cheapest way to obtain their reading material . We try to keep an active online presence with our web site ( http : / / www . tribute - books . com / ) , Facebook ( http : / / www . facebook . com / pages / Archbald - PA / Tribute - Books / 171628704176 ) , Twitter ( http : / / www . twitter . com / TributeBooks ) and blog ( http : / / tributebooks . blogspot . com / ) . What sets us apart is our one - on - one interaction with our authors . We go the extra mile in doing everything we can to promote our titles on a daily basis even years after a book 's initial release . 5 . Anything else you 'd like to tell my readers and perhaps potential clients ? My hope is that we are able to recruit some talented writers of well - written , well - crafted stories in order to develop an eager fan base for the titles we publish . We want readers to be excited about the ebooks we produce . Young adult authors have the most devoted fan followings out there , and we 'd like to introduce that audience to a whole new host of talent . Web Site : www . tribute - books . com On my own blog , I asked each one to write about setting . What was so amazing was the different approaches to the same topic . Some wrote about the importance of setting , others gave examples of ways to describe setting , and still others wrote about the settings in their own mysteries . I hope all my visitors enjoyed reading the various posts as much as I did . Would I do one of these again ? You betcha . It was a lot of work but also a lot of fun . Anne Albert was the mastermind behind this - - the idea and the scheduling . Praise for the Rocky Bluff PD series . . . Angel Lost is the seventh in F . M . Meredith 's Rocky Bluff Police Department series , and fans of this series will be delighted to learn that it delivers everything we have come to expect in these books - characters that feel like neighbors and a handful and a half of subplots all neatly woven together . . . Meredith wraps everything up in a most satisfactory fashion . These books are a sort of cross between The Waltons and Hill Street Blues , and I hope there are many more to come .

Posted on March 30 , 2017 by winknbees 2 Time . Time is a wonderful , terrible thing . It is always moving , never ending , never waiting . Time , forever , like an engine moving forward . Time , a friend to pull you out of yesterday , an enemy to throw you into tomorrow . Time , uncaring , unstoppable . Time is the great equalizer . " Time , why don 't you slow down for a few . I want to stop and breathe . I want a chance to collect myself before you move on . " " Dear time , please move quickly to this , I cannot wait longer ! I want so much to be there already . Dear time , why don 't you listen to me ? " Time speaks , " Oh but I do listen , it is you who do not understand . You need for me to move you from your past . Your past ? It kills you . You need me to pull you to the present , you 've been in the past long enough . The future ? I never go there . That is but your imagination . I cannot do anything other than bring you to now . Right now . There is no other place than now . " Time speaks again , " There are rules that must be followed . No one escapes these . I wait for no one and I always move forward . There is no choice for me and none for you . Accept this and life is better . " " Accept this ? I want only to relax and to live . I want to skip the rough stuff and move on to the good . Is this wrong ? Why is it is so hard to live ? Time , you scare me . " " If you learn to accept me then life will be simpler . Recognize that I can be your friend . If you accept who I am and allow yourself to be with me this moment and no other you will find life in a different light . " " Time ? You are a seductress , You want me to be with you and not fight you . How is this good ? I 've learned from my past and I do not trust well . " " Leave your past ! It does not empower you . Trust me , I am older than all things . For nothing has ever existed without me . There was no before Time . I know you and have always been with you , learn to be with me . I am the one who pulled you through your past , I am the reason it is no longer yesterday . Be with me , you will not regret it . " " You cannot win a fight against me , but then neither can those who hurt you . To you I can be a friend and to them an enemy . The choice is yours . Accept me and we will go through this day , this moment together . " " I have never abandoned you . Those moments when you do stop and breathe , when you notice the sunrise , the sound of the ocean waves . Those moments when you are not afraid . Those moments , those are when you feel that I go by slowly . Those are the moments when you allow me to be with you , when you do not fight me . When you accept me then your mind is quiet and the chaos is at bay . " Posted on March 28 , 2017 by winknbees Reply I wrote the following long before I ever knew the depth of my pain , long before I ever spoke to a soul . I had had a hint of freedom that lead me to write this … I hope that my life can be a light to another 's . Enjoy ? " Someone please , please help me out ! " I 'm so lost , I don 't know my way . Where am I ? I wish I could see the sky , but I 'm blind . The birds ? Do they sing ? I can 't hear their song . " My dreams ? Please don 't ask me about my dreams . My dreams don 't come true . They can 't , my chains are too strong , dreaming just makes things worse . What do I dream ? I can 't , it hurts too much . Please , please don 't ask me that . Don 't make me dream … the chains they hurt so bad . " Air ? Is that air ? Sky ? No ! I can 't look . Oh , but the air is so sweet , and the sky is so bright . " What do you want ? Why do you hurt me so much ? I belong here , in my cage . I belong here , with my chains . Don 't help me , please , please don 't . " It hurts too much . I didn 't know . I didn 't know I couldn 't breathe . I didn 't know I had chains on . I couldn 't see the cage . I didn 't want to know . Why did you show me ? It hurts so much more than it did before . I was almost dead , why did you wake me ? Why did you set me free ? You are so cruel . I didn 't know what it was like to be free . I didn 't know what I was missing . You cursed me ! I can 't stay free ! Why did you show me ! I didn 't want to know what it was like to be loved . My chains are heavier than they ever were before you . My cage is smaller , my air is sour . I at least thought I could breathe . I didn 't know I was in hell . I just didn 't know . You say I can . Really ? How ? You say it is my right to breathe ? To be free ? How ? By going through hell first ? I don 't want it . If this isn 't hell yet , then I 'll just stay here . I don 't want worse . You still believe in me ? You say I can be free ? I don 't believe you . You are wrong . You all are wrong and I am right . How can you all be wrong ? Is there really enough air out there ? Will I be able to see the sky ? Hear the birds ? Breathe ? " Help me ! I 'm so alone ! I can 't find my way . Please , please help me . I can 't do this alone . I 'm so scared . I don 't know how . I don 't know what to do . Please , someone , please help me ! " She was tired , and depressed , she had no hope , no willingness to live , no reason to keep on going . Nothing went in her favor , everything was against her . The world was dismal , dark , there was no sky , air , no trees , flowers , just darkness … except for this tiny spark of something that just sort of sat in her gut that when she focused on it she began to get a little bit of hope . Yet the hope was too much , and so she closed her eyes to it , shut her brain off of it … she wouldn 't see that spark for days , for weeks , for months … but once in a while that spark would glow . Once in a while she would get a glimpse of something , a sunrise , a sunset , a baby bird in a nest . Something would catch her attention and she 'd smile and she 'd forget all of a sudden that she was living in hell . She had no clue she was living in hell . If hell was anything to define , she imagined it 'd be much worse than what she was living . She was wrong . But there are different stages of hell I imagine , hell being kind of nice sometimes where you just can 't do anything you want to do . Where you just give up on everything . Hell being a place without love , a place where there 's no hope . Hell being a place to lose hope . Often people go to hell full of life , no idea that things are going to change . The day - to - day ho hums of life they live in , hell is just so normal and so blah and nothing exciting . But then there 's other stages of hell . Stages of hell where you know you 're in hell . Where there 's screaming , and biting , gnashing of teeth , blood , and broken bones . There 's crumbled china , crumbled bodies . There 's the place where you scream and no body hears . There 's that hell too . And every once in a while she found herself there . She found herself screaming , on the verge of crumbling into nothing , found herself crying and not knowing why . She was just wishing , wishing that death would come sooner . Still when it was back to the calmer hell , she 'd be like " oh , OK , I can handle this " , again . And so she was happy with her ho - hum , no love , boring , unhealthful day - to - day life . Except some years those visits with the harder hell would come more often , and some years those visits with a glimpse of light would happen too . And so she started to think , that maybe the glimpse of light might be better , might be possible to see more than every couple of months , or on a weekend when she was a way . She started to think there was something else possible . She doesn 't know when that thought started , she doesn 't know how many times she thought about it , or how often she dreamed of a better life . It just sort of crept up on her , kind of like the warmth of a sunny morning . The sky just starts to brighten slowly , and the air warms , there 's still ice on the grass but you know that it 's going to be a warmer day because the sun was coming out . Those kinds of days happened every once in a while and she started to believe again , in something else , even though she wasn 't sure what it was she was believing in . So what does a person a do ? What does she do ? How do you decide to start living when you 've been dying all this time ? How do you decide that you 're going to live one day ? Instead of go to that hell that you know is hell every couple of months ? How do you realize that the hell that you 're living in is really just another hell , a trick , a lie , another excuse , to not be alive ? What do you do ? When that shows up on you ? She didn 't know , she didn 't know what to do . She just started hurting more in the little hell she was living , it felt worse . It wasn 't like it changed a lot , but when you see something you really can 't un - see it . She 's smart . She couldn 't lie to herself very well , not when she realized she 'd been lying to herself for years … she didn 't realize , or she didn 't believe , there was anything else possible … she just lied to herself and understood that every body 's life was that way and everybody had their skeletons in their closet and everybody had their difficult marriages , their husbands that didn 't love them , their children that didn 't respect them , their wives that treated them like crap … she knew that people lived horrible lives , at least she thought that people did … Every once in a while she 'd see a couple that looked like they were happy and she 'd think " what are they hiding … there 's no way they 're that happy … " she 'd think it 's not possible , they must be hiding something , or she 'd think " just wait a couple of years , you 'll regret it one of these days … not the children of course , but you 'll regret the marriage " , " it happens to everybody " , she says to herself … So what do you do ? When you realize you 're living in hell and you don 't know where to go , and find out you 're all alone , you are in a house that doesn 't show any love … in fact its borderline violent , you 're scared all the time , you don 't know why you 're scared , but you are … so what do you do when your living in hell ? How do you get out … she had no idea … so what did she do ? She tries to leave . That apparently was the wrong way to do it , because leaving hell wasn 't possible . You have to grow out of hell , you can 't just walk out . You can refuse to walk in , but to get out of hell you 've got to grow . One step at a time . She didn 't know that then , but she does now . So what did she do when she tried to leave ? What happened to her ? She found herself abandoned and alone yet still surrounded by people . People who were supposed to love her . She found herself wishing that she could just die , because there was no escape . She tried . She was left crying at her church , no one bothering to figure out why . She cried out to her family , they had no idea what to do . They loved her but they didn 't know how to help . Her father suggested she figure out something , make her life better , so she doesn 't need to be in hell . She didn 't have any idea what to do . The one thing she was , was stubborn . One of the things she got punished for the most too . The things that are a person 's greatest characteristic are also a person 's greatest downfall . Goes both ways . Her stubbornness is what kept her in hell so long in the first place . She just couldn 't believe it was hell , she refused to believe it . Her stubbornness is also what will get her out . So what is she going to do now ? She knows she 's in hell . She tried to leave . Hell grabbed her , kept her close . Hell said " here , go kill yourself . " Hell said " here , you don 't need anything . Throw away those things . They 're not important because you 're not important " . Hell made her believe that her things , her life , her health , her happiness , her clothes , anything that she had was not hers . She was not deserving of it . Basic needs , food , water , taking a shower , getting dressed , why do any of those things ? You 're in hell . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by winknbees Reply Scared . What is it that is so scary ? The leaving , the going it alone ? The chance of being hurt , physically , emotionally ? The fear of making a life long mistake ? The fear of the unknown . What if you had done something different ? What if you had tried just one more time ? What if you didn 't give up ? Give up ? They say insanity is trying to get different results by doing the same thing over and over again . If you 're like me you have done everything you could think of , you 've tried what others have suggested , you 've done everything in the book … Speaking of books , you 've read them all too … Maybe you were too sensitive or maybe you really did misunderstand ? You can question yourself until you die but it won 't do any good because the truth is you really have done all you are capable of and you really do deserve to be happy and it really does take two to make a relationship better . I 've said I 'm on this train and it 's your choice to either get on with me or get run over . My husband decided not to participate . Truth is you made the best decisions you could , given the circumstances . Given the way life was , it made sense . Sure , some of those decisions weren 't really good in the end but that 's OK too . So many of us are used to being held to an impossible standard , first by those who we thought loved us and then by ourselves . Does it really make sense to expect perfection when you don 't even have all of the information ? Why is it our spouses didn 't have to live up to the standards they expected of us ? If yours is like mine he expected quiet when he wanted quiet , to play when he wanted to play , sex when he wanted sex . He wanted so many things but he never actually told me what it was … " If I really care I 'd know him well enough to actually know what he wants . " … I 'm sorry . Last time I checked I don 't read minds . I 'm fairly certain you don 't either . So why are we scared ? We are scared because it makes sense to be . Finally we are listening to our own feelings and finally we are discovering that they actually mean something . We have been led to believe the impossible and so when we are confronted with truth it 's hard . It 's time to get to know ourselves . It 's time to figure out on our own whether we like country music or Japanese food or whether we like swimming or the color green . We have been told what is good and what is right , it 's time we decide that for ourselves . We wore things he decided he didn 't like and then tossed it away . We have kept our hair long , or short , because of how he reacted to it . We have let every decision we ever made be based on whether he approved or not . It 's time for a little insubordination , is time to try new things , meet new people , play new games , wear different clothes … Get our hair done or have our nails painted . Or maybe we won 't . Maybe we 'll put our foot down and decide we are good enough , absolutely perfect , just the way we are . What we won 't do though , ever again , is cower to a childish , pig - headed bully . We won 't ever put up with that again . We will learn how to take care of ourselves and we will do what we have always known was the right thing to do , what we were afraid to do before . Our children will respect us more because they will see our transformation and they will learn from our mistake . They will learn to have a certain amount of love and respect for themselves that will help them in their lives . They will be able to hold their heads high because they know that they are worthy . You and I are worthy . We deserve to walk with pride , a certain self - confidence that others will envy . Think of it this way , the only reason you are alive today is because you chose to be . You could have called it quits many times , when you were harassed or abandoned . Even the fact that you didn 't kill him , that in itself is something to be proud of . You didn 't act on your hate , because I know there was hate . It 's impossible to live for years with someone who constantly chastised you and not hate them sometimes . And if you didn 't hate him it 's likely you hated yourself . Take pride in the fact you chose to live . Now it 's time we learn how to live our best . Now it 's time to love ourselves . Posted on January 27 , 2017 by winknbees Reply I 've been writing almost constantly . I 've been confronted with my past and I am finally in a position to look at it more closely . My life is an amazing life . I have had opportunities given me that most have never seen . I have lived in different countries , known different cultures . As a child I was given the room to explore and to learn . Nothing was denied me . Sure , I wasn 't given things , but I was encouraged to think and to never give up . I was encouraged that if I wanted something bad enough that there wasn 't any reason I couldn 't work my way there . Everything was possible . I was allowed to believe that I could be anyone I wanted to be . I could be the president or the carpenter , all I had to do was believe in myself and to never ever give up . My parents let me learn what I needed to learn . They always gave me encouragement to try new things . Yet they always encouraged honesty above all us . If I was to do or be something I was to do it with integrity . They gave me all that they could give me . But in the process they gave me freedom . The freedom to make mistakes too . Unfortunately the freedom they gave was to a child . A child who didn 't have the ability to always make the right decisions . And so I made a bunch of bad ones . Now , three decades later , some of these things have decided that their time has come … . Our bodies have a way of getting what they want , either that , or they just quit . If we don 't feed ourselves they yell , if we don 't drink enough they slow down . If we constantly ignore them they finally begin to scream , it may take years before you hear it but they do . They scream . My body 's screaming finally became loud enough that I couldn 't hear anything else . So , given the support structure I have already designed for other reasons , I decided to take the time to listen . I decided to speak my secrets quietly and authentically . I decided to face my demons head on . I really thought that I could handle it . I was right , but not like I expected . Demons . What exactly are demons ? The Frank Perretti books show demons as physical beings that cannot be seen . Physical beings that if you could see them look just like the pictures in story books with their ugly faces , wings , and talons . These demons would attack someone who was a threat to their king . They would literally hook their talons into the skin of the backs and shoulders of those who needed to be stopped . These demons would fight over the souls of the saved and would whisper in their ears discouragement and lies . They would whisper things like , " you aren 't good enough " , " murderer " , " you have no right " , " you are stupid " , " they don 't love you " , " you are worthless " … . on and on until their prey would fail and quit and so no longer be a threat any longer . These demons only have power because they are unnamed and unrecognized for what they are . Their names are Fear , Blame , Guilt , Hate , Murder . They have no real power because of their lies . The person they are attached to is a threat because they know they have no real power . The only power a demon has is in its secrecy . Once a demon has been known it can no longer keep hold of its victim . The victim , though , is weak and must heal or the demons will come back . Some of my demons are Blame , Hate , Anger and Fear . These and I have had so much time together they seem like old friends . I know them better than I know myself . Their talons have been in my flesh for so long that the wounds that they made are festering . As such , my body has been screaming and now I can finally hear it . For every bad there is a good . If this weren 't true I would be doomed . The angels fight and when recognition comes they gain power and so their fight has finally turned in their favor . For all of these years the demons have been whispering into my ears and the angels have been yelling to be heard . They have been yelling so that I would hear the truth instead of the lies . These little thoughts that run across my mind , things like . " I can do this , " " Be gentle with yourself " , " trust your gut " , " believe in yourself " , " you have permission to cry " , " permission to be still " , " permission to love " , " permission to say no " … each of these was countered by my demons . I could hear them both . For so long , though , the whispers of the demons were so much louder than the shouts of the angels . The demons ' whispers would use my life 's evidence against me . The demons would scare away those who I wanted to lean on . Or they would convince me that I was not worth the effort . The only choice I could make was to quit . I quit listening to my heart , quit listening to my soul , quit feeling , quit thinking and tried to forget . In self - defense , I quit . I may have quit but the angels never did , and somehow I heard again . Somehow I felt the possibilities of peace and of hope like a whisper , like a breath of fresh air . This whisper was different , this one was not scary . These whispers started to grow in my stomach and have , little by little , gained strength . They gained just enough strength to let me believe that I could be authentically me , that I could actually face my demons . Ah , demons don 't like to be shrugged off . In my naivety I thought I could handle what I started . In my naivety I thought it would be easy . I spoke truth and my body shook like a dry leaf in the wind . The fires of hell found me and began to sear at my body . My entire being has been put in the coals and as I try to continue , I find that I still have the strength to write . And so I write . Facing my demons on paper is only slightly better than facing them in person . My demons are furious and hungry . They fly around me and stab me with their talons , scratching me and scarring me . They are the ones yelling now and they will not win .

Recently went over to the Shrinkwrapped Scream , and read a post she wrote answering questions put to her by another blogger . Kind of a meme , but different . Her answers were great . She said if anyone was game , to speak up and send her a comment . I did , and she emailed me these questions . My job now is to answer her questions and then pass this thing on to anyone who desires to be grilled . So , here we go . My answers are in blue . Her first question : 1 ) Let 's begin with a little background . I know you grew up as a military brat . Did that mean your father was often absent ? If so , what impact , if any , did it have upon family dynamics ? Were you closer to anyone in particular there ? On average , what was the longest time you stayed in one house ? Did you ever get boarded ? If so , did you enjoy that experience ? Holy shit ! Is that all one fuckin ' friggin ' question ? Ok , first of all , my dad was in the Air Force , so we went where he went . If he 'd been in the Navy or Merchant Marine , or if he 'd gone to Vietnam , we would have had long periods without him , but the way things were , he basically had a 9 to 5 job . He drove to the base in the morning and then home for dinner in the evening . We just lived in a foreign country while some of this was going on . Mom ran the house and took care of us , and dad was the bread winner . They saw it as a partnership , and it mostly worked out well . We lived in England from 67 to 70 , but the rest was in the US , in places like Nebraska , Missouri , and Texas . I was born in Bermuda , at the Kinley Air Force Base hospital , in 1960 . My sister was born in England , during my families first tour there in the early ' 50s . Longest time we were anywhere during dads career was maybe 3 years . Then , after he retired , we spent 18 years in Ft . Worth , living on the southwest side of town . I guess I was closer to mom as a kid , but really , I don 't remember being too close to any of them . I was a loner , in my room most of the time , in my own world . We were ( my sis and I ) just beginning to get the hang of living there , making frPosted by You Belong in BrooklynDown to earth and hard working , you 're a true New Yorker . NOT ! And although you may be turning into a yuppie , you never forget your roots . Yuppie ? Eat my fuckin ' ass , yankee . Never leavin ' Texas again . TEXAS FOREVER ! Where Should Your Inner New Yorker Live ? Aw go on , click on it . It 's harmless . And here 's a little somethin ' for a sick buddy . Enjoy man . And why not , here 's another . Posted by I told you guys Friday that I 'd been invited to go up to Big " D " with some friends to see a food show at the Convention Center ( Thought it was gonna be at Market Hall - Not ! ) . We had a great time , even thought a few of the folks turned out to be dullards ( love ' em anyway ) . The others are still up there , staying till Tuesday . I had to teach classes Monday , so I couldn 't stay that long . We left the main campus ( central meeting spot ) at about 8 : 15am . I drove my own car , wanting to be able to jet if the scene turned out to be lame . Another guest ( not a cook , but a friend like me ) rode with me so she 'd have a way to get back . We stopped in West for a breakfast of Czech bakery fare , and made it to Dallas by 11 : 00 . We unloaded everyone 's crap , parked the cars at a lot down the way , and checked into the Hyatt . These folks were on an official visit for the school , so their rooms and entry fees to the show were paid for by the college . The room I got bit my ass for $ 160 for one night , but what the hell ? It was worth it to enjoy the weekend . It 's only money . I can make more . The room was very comfortable and nice , and I 'd do it again in a heartbeat . Here 's what my view looked like out the window , looking at the train station ( white bldg . in foreground ) and the downtown area beyond . And the view down left , towards Dealey Plaza , and the old Texas School Book Depository , now the Sixth Floor Museum . I 'd been there a few times , but others in the group hadn 't , so when we were thinking about things to do this first day , I said that we should walk over there . It 's a very moving place . The emotion wells up as you think about what happened there , and what might have been . It 's a shrine to JFK and the official memory of the Camelot era , which can be a bit nauseating if you know some of the details of the history , but you can 't help but be moved in that place . I have persistent fantasies , standing next to the 6th floor window and looking down at the mark on the street where it all happened , wishing I could be magically transported back , beaPosted by Most of the stuff in my CD collection is typical classic Rock / Blues , but I 've also loved real classical music most of my life . It comes from the time in the late ' 60s when I was about 7 or 8 years old , stuck in the house in England during all that friggin ' rain , or just avoiding the older kids that were always roaming the base housing we lived in lookin ' to kick my ass . I was bigger than they were , but too young to know how to kick their ass back , so they had fun at my expense . I 'd like to meet a few of those fuckin ' guys today . Stuck in the room , my folks made sure I had books , and my sister and I had record players and a set of old encyclopedias to kill time with . I used to go to sleep most nights with a half dozen of those volumes on the floor next to my bed , usually open to sections dealing with the Romans , or Dinosaurs , or the like . While my sister amassed a nice collection of pop records , my Mom would buy me records at the BX that told all sorts of cool stories . The Lost World was a favorite , and Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves was another . Some of them actually came with a Classic Comic in the wrapping . Loved the hell out of those comics . Ali Baba was set to the music of Nicolai Rimsky - Korsakov 's ballet Sheherazade . Of course , I had no idea that 's what it was at the time , but I listened to that record for years and it must have burned an appreciation for the complex orchestrations of the music into my brain . I still can 't deal with watching dudes in tights prance around , but the music is amazing . When I heard the music by itself for the first time many years later I couldn 't believe how familiar it was , and then it hit me . If my mom had sat me down and told me " Sit there and be still and I 'm gonna play this music for you , and you 're gonna learn to like it , and you 're gonna grow up to have an open mind ! " , I probably would have ignored the whole thing and turned the channel back to the Beatles as soon as I could . Of course , she had no idea ether , but the effect was to widen my horizons . Of course , I fought it forPosted by " Fuck you Santa ! " Ooooh ! Love the hell outta that one . Never saw a single episode till they recently started showing them on regular TV . Now I 'm enjoying it , when I surf by and it 's on . Probably end up buyin ' the DVDs . Goin ' to Temple to take dad out again on our regular Friday feed . I 'll visit with the folks for a while after , and try to tire out their pooch . Then I 'll be hooking up with friends back over here for unspecified fun . When I was putting this post together a few days ago I thought I 'd be spending the weekend in the yard again , working on some landscaping and planting things , the weather permitting . But these folks have invited me to go to Dallas Saturday and Sunday , to attend a food show and see what sort of mischief we can get into on the side . These are the same folks I go to Terlingua and Sweetwater with every year , to the chili cook - offs , and go tubing down in New Braunfels with in the summer . Lookin ' to do that in a few weeks . River should be a blast , what with all this rain we 've had recently . As I 've told you before , they teach cooking here on the base for CTC , so it 'll be a school function . . . Which means we 'll be having a LOT of fun , and they 'll be getting ripped and earning per diem at the same time . Ya gotta know how to work it , and they do . They 'll stay up there till Tuesday , but I 'll drive back Sunday , probably giving someone a ride home with me . I 'll tell ya how it all went down when I get back , whatever I end up doin ' . Enjoy your own weekend , whatever you end up doin ' . Later . That 's what I was thinkin ' when I got home from a long day at about 10 : 30 last night , turned on this thing and saw that one of those ELO vids was messed up . No tellin ' how long that thing 'd been flashin ' " NOPE " at everybody , probably all friggin ' day long . Well , maybe these will work better . I 'm still feelin ' musical , and I was thinkin ' about Bruno 's comment about Metal Mondays . Well , I 've never been much into thrash , but I LOVE a great power trio , and here 's one of the best ever , as you probably well know . It 's amazing to think that after all these years , these three guys ; bassist , keyboardist , and singer Geddy Lee , guitarist Alex Lifeson , and drummer Neil Peart , are still going strong , and it 's still just the three of them . They 're still doin ' the same thing they did when I grew to love them in the ' 70s and early ' 80s , only grown better with age . Love the hell out of that . Hope to do it myself . Here 's one called La Villa Strangiato , from a gig in 1979 , when I was a senior in high school . I used to think that these long instrumental things they did were their best music . Sit back and enjoy the Rush . Here 's another instrumental called YYZ , filmed a few years ago in Rio . And here 's their signature bit , Working Man , originally from their debut album in ' 74 , but this time from their 30th anniversary tour in 2004 . Not sure what the tumbling driers are supposed to symbolize , but the boys are makin ' a glorious noise . Give a listen . Ok , I 've got some great stuff lined up for my next musical post , but you 're not gonna believe what it is . Most of you will probably turn your nose up at it and walk away , but there 's nothin ' I can do about that . I love it to death . We 'll have to wait and see . Maybe in a few days , or next week . In the mid - 70s , ELO was a much more guitar oriented rock band , before they moved over to the softer stuff on great late records like Out Of The Blue . I love that stuff too , but this early stuff has a charm all it 's own . They were so multidimensional , with all the different classical instruments , as well as the guitar . Here 's one called Do Ya . This was one of the first ones I fell for . The sound on these videos isn 't the best , but you get the picture . Here 's a great one called Rockaria . How 's about that guitar ? Their mix of classical / Rock hybrid really hit me hard back then , setting me up to be blown away by groups like Yes and Pink Floyd . Somethin ' about those Brits , and their classical training in school . Was that Mushy hittin ' those high notes in that perm ? Naaaaaa ! This next one is called Showdown . I love the way Jeff Lynne sings this one , and his lyrics generally . Amazing genius . All of their classic elements are here on display . The guitar part isn 't great . Passable , but ya can 't have everything . And finally , about the rockinest tune I think they ever did , and the one that really turned me and most of the planet onto these folks . Covering Chuck Berry is so much a part of Rock and Roll , whole careers have been made from it , but this is special . That dude on the violin is kickin ' ass . Loved the shit out of this back then , blarin ' out of the Jensen 6x9s in the old Hornet . Pfew , that was fun . I hope you liked it as much as I did . Later . Lin over at If The Creek Don 't Rise is tryin ' to convince me that I 'd look good in a kilt . Did a little work on a picture of me to make the point . I think that 's even a Wilson tartan . Hmmmm . OK , I 'm not sure about the Ballet slippers ( Ghillie Brogues ) , but the rest does stir something tribal in me . I think with boots and a cool dirk , to stab the guys who try to lift the thing or give me any shit at all , it might just be fun . So , what do you think ? So I was glad I 'd done the yard work and gotten it all mostly done . Went out there after getting up at about 10am , and it was a swamp . There 'll be no mowing today . Just went out to get a look , and most of the standing water is soaked into the soil , but there 's still a few soggy bits . Now the sun is out and it 's muggy as hell out there . I tell ya , after years and years of drought , we need all this rain , but enough is friggin ' enough ! Both of our local lakes are way above normal levels , due to this several month long deluge . After being 20 to 25 feet below normal for years , they 've filled now to over 25 feet above normal , with only the tops of trees visible where boat ramps used to be . Glad I got a chance to plant a few things last night before quitting work . Still have a few things to put in , and plans to buy more , but need to pull a few more weeds in the step garden before I can do that . Elected not to go there last night . Enough was enough . Well , It 's Fathers Day , and dad and the others will be coming over here at about 3 : 30 so we can hit the Outback . He loves the hell out of their coconut shrimp , and I love the Bloomin ' Onion . If you get a chance , and why the hell wouldn 't you , ask for the onion with honey mustard sauce to dip it in . It 's a hell of a lot better tasting than the mustard they normally give you . I 've been hangin ' with this dude since the folks were stationed in Bermuda in 1960 , and we 're still in business . We 've had our ups and downs , as folks will , but we love each other to death , and everything is working out the way it should . I grew up thinking his choices in life , to leave home and spend 32 years and 9 months in the Air Force , had made my life harder ( this is us , just before we left England in about 1970 ) Who 'd a thought this little kid was gonna grow up to be such a Sasquatch ? Sis and I both grew up longing for the stability that we saw in our cousins lives . Their dads never left Bell county , making a life here . Their kids didn 't have a lot of the stuff we had , or travel and live in the exotic placePosted by You guys remember hearing about all the weeds in the back yard . I 've talked about pulling them for ages , but the weekends were ether rainy ( our multi - year drought is apparently over ) , or sunny , with other much more fun things planned . Lets say I was easily distracted , knowing what was ahead of me . Well , I finally bit the bullet , and went out there with a mission . First , here are some " before " shots , to give you a little perspective . Here 's an old one , from when we had snow back on Easter . See . Moderately weedy , with a few brush piles from prunin ' the stuff up on the steps . Well . . . Lets just say , I let things go a bit . What , I 'm a busy guy ! And the side of the yard , where I tried to put in a weed barrier and a paving stone patio last year . Worked like a charm , eh ? I tell ya , this shit just materialized . One day they 're little things , and yer tellin ' yourself that you 'll get to it next weekend . Then you walk out there and it 's the friggin ' Amazon jungle . You know . . . Back yard ; out of sight , out of mind . Hell the cats live back there , and I usually don 't go out there much . They have a door set up in a window sill that they use to come and go at will , so I don 't have to keep getting up to let them out and in again , over and over . But when the cats started comin ' in with burrs in their hair , and rubbing up against my leg while I sat here at this machine , I knew I had to do somethin ' . It rained like crazy Friday , so I knew that most of the little critters would be easy to pull . Once I did that , the rest would be just a process of chopping and trimming the grass . Well , I spent about 8 hours out there in the muggy heat , swillin ' iced green tea or water like a fish , and resting now and then when I started feeling like I was having a heart attack . Now I know why folks back in the day fought so hard to keep all that " free " labour . Sit on a porch in the shade and sip a Mint Julep while 30 or 40 slaves did all the sweating . . . Not that I 'm advocating it ! Hard work builds character , or so they say . This looks like I 've got grass growinPosted by She 'd looked over the last post , the picture of me golfing , and said something like " Mm , nice calves . You 'd look good in a kilt . " I was like , " Huh ? Get real . Where would one go to get a kilt ? " She sent me the link , and while surfing through the product shots , I found this guy . Since I haven 't seen this look walkin ' around the base , I 'm assuming this guy is a contractor . Of course , the Scots fought ( and mostly lost ) many a battle in things that looked a lot like the skirt my sister wore in Catholic school , but I can 't see this happenin ' today . You know , combat 's got to be tense enough without worryin ' about yer dingus swingin ' loose in the wind . Takes a special kind of guy to go there . Tell us ladies , is this a hot look ? Cheers . God I love this job ! My 7 : 30pm History class had their first exam last night . The new fish are always nervous , and I always have a good time milkin ' it . OK , call me a son of a bitch , but there are very few perks to this gig , and you gotta take what enjoyment you can . I start out by lingering a bit in handing out the test . They are usually bouncing off the walls , trying to compare notes with one another , reviewing , when I walk in . One will be telling the others his or her version of what they think I want them to know , and I give them a look , and say something like " Huh ? Who told you that ? " They try to get me to give them answers , or tell them hints . " So , was it the Sugar act or the Tea act ? " , and I just shrug my shoulders and tell them " Pff , I dunno . " I leave the briefcase on the desk with the exams in it ( they won 't dare touch it ) , and I go get myself a soda , which takes a few minutes . I usually see someone in the hall , a colleague or former student , and chat for a sec . We 're not supposed to drink in the classrooms , but fuck the rules . I talk for a living , not shuffle papers , so I needs me whistle whetted now and then . Rules are for nervous people . I was given a bit of wisdom a long time ago ; it 's always easier to apologise than to get permission . Words to live by . I get back to class and I walk up to the podium and begin to turn on the computer in class , which takes a minute , and pretty soon one or two students are telling me things like " Come on , I 'm forgetting stuff . Lets go ! " I giggle . I start to hand out the answer sheet , and a few folks always think it 's the test and start putting away their notes . I tell them " This is just the answer sheet . You can continue cramming . " More giggles from the audience . Then I start handing out the exam , and as I do , I give them my standard speech . " Read each question VERY carefully ( pause for effect ) , on accounta I 'm a tricky bastard ! " That gets a few laughs and moans of dread . They always laugh when I cuss in class . Not supposed to , but screw it . We 're all adults here . Shit , THEPosted by Same food , different day . Maybe better pictures . Here 's the view from my designated table . looks empty , but the soonest I can get there for lunch is about 1 : 40 PM , after the rush , when the cooks are comin ' out of the back and sitting down to eat . I order my usual , which they know by heart , and enjoy the quiet , and the AC , and the soft tones of some unintelligible oriental music . Actually business is pickin ' up . Several folks came in while I was eating and sat down to eat , rather than just get take - out . May be a good sign . More of the Generals chicken . Well , the generals something or other , but it tastes like chicken . And the rice . Damn , look at the size of those shrimp ! I 've got half of it in the fridge , for breakfast tomorrow morning . Loving the stuff they cook at the Great Wall , but sometimes I think if I don 't stop eating like this , they 'll be able to see MY ASS from space . Later . UPDATE : OK here 's what the leftovers look like with a real camera . Note the peppers , the actual color of the " chicken " . Question is , will it survive till breakfast ? Hm . Goin ' throught the box of old pictures , I found some stuff I 'd forgotten about . My mom 's family is all spread out in Texas ; some here in Bell county , some up in Waco , and a bunch of folks in Houston . Some of them are Hargroves , some are Edds , and some are Zacharys . One of the folks in Waco used to play professional baseball . Anyone remember Pat Zachary ? Met him at a reunion a decade or so back . Very easy going and seemed like a cool guy . There 's a cousin named Edds on TV in the show CSI . Yep , a distant relative , raised in Belton . Never met him . Anyway , as I was going through this latest box of pictures , looking for stuff to scan and culling through the shots , I ran across a letter sized yellow envelope . I opened it up and a few newspaper clippings fell out . On further examination , I found a typed essay in it that had been authored by a distant cousin down in Houston . I read it and found it very moving , and I 'd bet you folks will to . Remember when you read this that the kid who wrote it was only 13 . Here it is . I think you 'll be as impressed as I was . It 's all his work , copied as written . Paw PawBy Nicholas Meyerage 13Parkview IntermediatePasadena , Texas When I was little and stayed in my grandparents ' house , my grandfather and I would ride bikes to the park . He would pick me up and set me on the Merry Go Round . Then he 'd push until I could barely hold on and when I was about to fall he 'd always be there to ketch me . Now the bikes have been sold and my grandfather can hardly make it from the bed to the living room without my help . It all started about two years ago . My grandfather had a sudden stroke . My family did not know what to think . Nothing like this had ever happened to anyone I know and I was scared . Ever since i was a little kid my grandfather had been one of my idols . He was the biggest man I had ever seen . He was about six foot , and looked like he had boxes on his shoulders he was so muscular . I was always careful about what I said around him because I never would have wanted to make him mad . I knew my grandfPosted by " Government is not reason , it is not eloquence , it is force ; like fire , a troublesome servant and a fearful master . Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action . " - George Washington . " We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm . " - George Orwell . " The French , they are a funny race , Parlez vous ; They fight with their feet and they fuck with their face , Hinky dinky parlez vous . " - Popular World War 1 song . " The privilege of great men is to view catastrophe from a terrace . " - Jean Giraudoux , from the book Tiger at the Gates . " One finger professionally , Gentlemen ; Two fingers socially . " - Gynecologist 's saying . " Political Correctness is a doctrine , fostered by a delusional , illogical , liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media , which holds forth the proposition it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end . " - Some brilliant bastard . " Sex in marriage is like medicine . Three times a day for the first week . Then once a day for another week . Then once every three to four days till the condition clears up . " - Peter DeVries .

I walk in his door , granted the three kids are in tow . Also I must say , he was sick and I was having neck pain . We are old indeed . I call out , " Hello ? " And the three kids start calling out his name . We go to the living room . Empty . The playroom . Nothing . On to the kitchen . Here we find him . He is reading the Economist , glasses at the end of his nose . He delivers this heart - felt welcome . " Oh hi . I didn 't hear you come in . " I have problems with this and if the kids hadn 't been bouncing around the kitchen , I would have called him out . Not hear us ? We are a herd ; that 's not possible . There was a time when he would have been sitting on the front porch looking for me , waiting for me with some anticipation . He didn 't even stand up . It was disappointing and hurtful in the way you would expect , but I immediately went to the bigger picture . Do I want to come home to a guy who doesn 't stand up and embrace me ? My marriage degraded over the course of 20 years into that kind of nonchalance and mutual apathy . What does it say that that the BC and I have already hit that mark ? It 's psychological and also physiological . If I get out of bed when I 'm suppose to at 4 : 45am I have an immediate sense of accomplishment . I did it , I got out from under the covers ! I can do anything ! After that I make coffee and get on the treadmill . I 'm taking care of myself , increasing my metabolism , burning calories , and waking up the engine that will power my day . I can listen to Bill Handel and his morning crew and nothing makes me smile like an irreverent cynic with great sound bites . He 's an equal opportunity offender and I am in love with him . I pound out two miles , sometimes I even run for some interval training , and I 'm good to shower and beautify . Then , with the extra time , I can make my lunch and fix myself a couple of boiled eggs . I can safely and cleanly eat these as I drive to work . As everyone in LA knows , you have to multi - task when you drive or it 's a missed opportunity . All of this happens while the children sleep . I 'm alone . I 'm uninterrupted . I 'm self - indulgent while still being responsible . It 's truly the best feeling and tees me up for a productive day . Sometimes I even have time to accessorize ! You know , maybe every day is too big a reach . Maybe I need a day off so my muscles can recover . I heard that somewhere . So every other day might be more realistic . I could live with good days 50 % of the time . At our slumber party last weekend one of the boys came to me at 1 : 30am and said he was sick . He was crying , and I was quick to dismiss it as homesick or fear of a dark , strange house . I really did not want to call his parents in the middle of the night . They had a kid - free evening and were probably swinging from the chandeliers or playing naked Twister . Of course , if they were anything like me , they may have been so excited to be allowed their exhaustion , they smiled at each other before the sun set and fell asleep . Naturally , the boy had a temp and was mortified that he might throw up in front of all his friends . We made the call . No answer . Visions of two middle - aged people bitterly wiping off whipped cream , cursing the whole time , danced through my head . It took about twenty minutes for one of them to pick up the phone . The boy spoke to his mom . He was really crying hard . Still , just like me , he had to sell her on the idea that he was sick . About forty minutes later , his dad shows up at our house . You could tell by the way he slammed the car door he was not happy . But I opened the front door and his sick little cherub limped out , now hysterical upon seeing his father , and dad 's angry melted . It was heartbreaking . I promised right then I would never doubt my kids when they called at an inconvenient time to tell me they needed me . Naked Twister be damned ! My oath lasted all of four days . My oldest called from school . He thought he broke his thumb and wanted me to take him to the hospital . If this was true , I reasoned , the school would have called an ambulance . I told my darling , brave , crying child that unless there was blood or bone I wasn 't leaving the office . I wasn 't even torn ; there was no way I was leaving work . Like most parents , I live for my children . Unless , of course , it 's inconvenient . I haven 't sent holiday cards in three years . I use to love creating holiday cards . One time I drew a Christmas tree on each card , just the outline , and used my children 's toe prints to create the ornaments . This year , I 'm finally in a financial position to send cards , and I have some things to communicate . There have been some big changes . I don 't like the impersonal trend toward ink jet address labels and Shutterfly messages , but more than that , they are all braggy brag . " Our son was accepted into the Global Leadership Program for bilingual children with a political interest , and after graduating from first grade this year , he will embark on the program in Spain . " Or the most irksome , " Our daughter has mastered the moguls and won her first competition . Dad doesn 't understand why this second home in Aspen which was suppose to give HIM the opportunity ski is instead making Olympic hopefuls out of his children ( Darn that work ! ) " Seriously , this was in a letter I received today . My letter would read something like this : " Dear friends , what a year ! I 've finally hit stride as a single mom . After a year of searching and hundreds of resumes sent , I 'm back with my old employer , something I never envisioned myself doing . I realize now how important stability , a pay check and benefits really are . Big adventure and risk - taking are overrated . It 's all about the orthodontic coverage , and I know that now . My oldest son is gaining confidence although his daydreaming is reflected in his grades . My number two son is doing well with his support systems and warming up to reading now that he 's in the third grade . We 've tackled many of his food sensitivities and his nose stopped running after three years ! Who knows how number three son is , I haven 't had time to look at him . That 's right dear friends , I 'm now solidly on the road to healthy mediocrity and couldn 't be happier ! " My son turns twelve today . As I type have ten boys running unrestrained and untethered in my house , junked up on caffeine , chocolate and the adrenaline of a post - Nerf war victory . I 'd be lying if I said there was anything unusual about that . My three boys all by themselves can create quite a lot of noise and mayhem . It is time for reflection . Twelve years . What the hell ? I 've never had anything for twelve years . Not a plant , a dog , even my husband , one could argue , punched out long before we got to twelve years . Of all things I might imagine myelf to have for twelve years - a car for instance , maybe a mattress - I would never have imagined a human being . And my son seems happy to have me . Of course I gave him a PS3 with ensures ( and insures ! ) his devotion so I can 't be sure how sincere his undying affection is , but I really don 't care . I have it . So tonight , I 'll listen to him and his friends scream like girls , echoing down the streets of the neighborhood . In a year or two they won 't sound like little girls any more so I 'm going to enjoy this before they get neck deep in testosterone . They are a great group of boys . I 'm not concerned about a single one of them . We 're really fortunate . I have a beautiful boy who made me a grateful mom . I love him in ways that can 't be expressed . A year or two ago , I was really worried about his life and how it might turn out . Not any more . I 've got it covered . And for those times when I 'm not there , his trusted friends and their families will be . All things considered , it 's good to turn twelve . " You have so many things in your head . I don 't have as many things in my head . Not yet . As you get old , you get more knowledge and it all fits in your head . So a person 's head always fits their knowledge . " My Calvin with his unique and wonderful brain can come up with things that give me pause . How does it all fit in there ? I don 't know . Our feet grow , but our heads don 't . Weird , right ? You 'd think if anything would grow it would be your head to accommodate the wealth of information , the daily memories being saved for later use , the sounds and textures and smells of a lifetime . It 's such a cool observation . Cool and twisted . The Boyfriend Candidate and I broke up not too long ago . Again . We do this about every three weeks , and we 've each totally lost credibility with each other on the break up front . This time I was picking on him - pretty much all day - most likely as a result of general frustrations with the relationship . I was indirect , provocative and uncommunicative . So we got in a fight . He called me an ugly name . And then defended it when I graciously gave him a chance to retract . I was done . So a week goes by and in that week I 've been really asking myself hard questions about why I 'm dating in the first place . Are my frustrations with the relationship because it doesn 't serve a purpose relevant to my life any more ? I think I 'm on to something . I 'm 46 . I have three small children who deserve my time and energy . Now that I 'm working , which means I can provide everything I and my children need , I 'm not looking for a man to save me / us , to be the responsible party or to fund us , if you will . I 'm in bed weeknights at 8pm because I 'm up at 4 : 45am . When exactly am I suppose to nurture an adult relationship anyway ? So seriously why am I dating at all ? Sex is an obvious answer . Adult companionship generally . To be adored in that way a man adores you has particular attractiveness to me . And you know I got all those things from the Boyfriend Candidate . What I didn 't get that was frustrating me was " traditional marriage material . " He isn 't that Prince Charming . He 's a salty old curmudgeon , truth be told . I don 't want to be with him every day . I don 't want to live with him . I can 't imagine the nightmare of merging lives . But you know , I don 't think I really need that . If he gives me the adoration , even part time , might that be enough ? I think anything more is an old dating paradigm from my early twenties that has expired . I can reinvent the adult relationship now . So I 'm taking some time to figure out what that will look like at this point in my life . Naturally I spoke with the Boyfriend Candidate and , as usual , we 're back together . This time I am relieving him of those traditional expectations which aren 't relevant ( or possible ) any longer . Maybe I can be more tolerant . I 'm divorced . At the time of the Great Divide , I was a stay - at - home , home schooling mom to my three sons - one of them with entry level autism . I hadn 't worked in years . Divorce was a big thing that changed my life . I still grapple with the meaning of it . My kids are back in brick and mortar school . I 'm back at work after 8 months of bitter unemployment . I 'm raising three boys to be men without a male presence . I yell a lot . What I never anticipated was our ability to adapt and the beauty of the unexpected simple solution . The little things . I have a day job , but as soon as I get home , I 'm in the home office doing my part time work . There are never - ending interruptions from the boys which always makes teleconferencing a challenge . Most of my clients are resigned to the screaming in the background or the occasional " Mommy I have to poop . Will you wipe my bottom ? " Right now they are in my office arguing over boiled eggs . They don 't even like boiled eggs . I repeat myself with withering conviction throughout the day . " Get out of my office ! " " Let me finish my work ! " and my favorite " I 'll be there in a minute ! " This is a good one : " Stop touching your brother ! " That one works 24 / 7 . Anything I can do to reduce the stress I 'm game for . TV , for which I have a love - hate relationship , is a big trigger for tension because the boys only have a love relationship with it . When it 's time for bed , it becomes all out war . They 've developed effective strategies . The ear piercing whine is fairly reliable . But a couple of weeks ago they did something exceptional . They turned the volume down so I would think they had turned it off . They faked me out . Now I have to stop what I 'm doing to get a visual on what they are up to . I cannot trust my ears which for a mom is a really big loss . Last night a little thing changed my life . The guy I 'm dating , the Boyfriend Candidate , is a problem solving junkie . He must look at my house with the same glee as a mosquito in a blood bank . He gave to me a most powerful weapon : a remote control power switch I can use on the TV 's outlet . From my office , without warning , I can turn the TV off at its power source . They cannot turn it back on . They may yet find a go around ; they could outsmart me . They are younger and more flexible . But for now , I 'll take the peaceful resignation of " What happened ? Why isn 't the TV working ? Barnacles . " I haven 't posted in a while because I 've been completely overwhelmed by the whole process . I 'm writing an explanation in hopes that this will jump start me again . I hear that works . When I started blog writing over a year ago , I had tight deadlines , daily writing assignments on all kinds of topics . There was a sense of urgency , I felt a responsibility , and I got it done . I still get it done . I write daily for several websites . In the course of those writing gigs , I also was asked to blog from my unique perspective : the middle aged single mom , three young boys , one autistic , dating after 20 years , perimenopausal , retiring parents , one with Alzheimer 's point of view . That 's a lot and you 'd think there would be tons of material . But even then , posting once a week , I would get stuck . Then I lost the self absorbed blog . Seems the demographic and I didn 't exactly mix . And I missed it . I missed the objective musing on this life and the hysterical qualities it had somehow acquired . And speaking of acquisitions , I acquired in the last few years a boyfriend candidate , a hippie room mate , a really good friend , the belligerence of my absent - almost - ex - husband , an estranged brother , a circle of divorced mom friends , a full time job , a new set of co - workers , an old car , a crazy young guy friend , an old rock star , and a ton of threatening letters from CitiBank wondering when I 'm going to pay off my ex - husband 's exorbitant debt . Yes , bat shit crazy indeed . So my life is richer than ever . Almost always almost too much to handle , but one way or another it gets done . And I 'd love to write about it again which is why I started this blog many weeks ago . But I find trying to pull together my old posts , new essays , ideas on post - it notes , memos to self in the margins of my Franklin , all just a bit daunting . I found a note " fart on demand " . I can 't remember for the life of me what that meant . See , now I have to do research . Add that to the list . It 's sort of a big philosophical as well as practical question : how do I get on with it ? [ Even at this moment , while I 'm trying to think and organize ideas my Calvin is sitting at the desk across from me barking , literally . He 's my 9 year old . ] I think in the end I just have to do it . My friend Belinda at the office told me yesterday that the only real great advice she got from her years of therapy post divorce was this : In order to live your life , you must go through it . So put your head down , aim forward and just go . So that 's what I 'm doing now . But first , I 'm going to give myself a break . These postings won 't be perfect . I 'm mixing past and present , musing on the future . Sometimes it won 't make sense . Maybe two years ago my clothes dryer died . At first I was broke and couldn 't afford to get it fixed . Now , I 'm just obstinate . I could get it fixed , but I rebel against the plumbers that charge a $ 90 house call fee . They tell you what 's wrong and how much it will cost . They then apply the house call fee to the cost of repair . It guarantees that there is no problem which is going to be less than $ 90 . What if it 's a loose wire or it can 't be fixed at all ? Really ? $ 90 ? I also discovered that my electric bill went down $ 20 when I quit drying in the house . Do the math : I do two loads of drying a week . That 's eight a month . Eight loads for $ 20 in electricity and who knows in water and gas . So let 's say clothes drying costs me $ 25 a month at home . A fabulous local laundromat charges thirty cents for 10 minutes of drying in a double load dryer . So I can dry all my clothes in one load for 30 minutes . That 's $ 1 a week or $ 4 a month . So I save $ 21 dollars a month by going to the laundromat . Plus the freakin ' $ 90 for the house call . And I have fallen in love with it . Every Sunday at 4pm I pack up the kids and we drive a few blocks to the Clean Scene . There 's a pizza place next door that sells $ 6 cheese pizza . We go , we start the load , we walk next door and order pizza . Ten minutes later either Steve or Mario will deliver it to us at the laundromat . The manager of the laundromat - Andrew - is a really nice young man . He is the middle of three boys so when my three little guys come in , I think he looks at me like an echo of his own mother . There is a big screen tv and he 'll usually change it to the Simpson 's or some other kid friendly kind of thing when we get there . I always offer him pizza and he always very politely declines . There are lots of regulars and I 'll talk about them another time . I find it mesmerizing being a part of this community . It 's an intimate thing : washing your clothes . It reveals so much about you : what you think about material possessions , how you care for them , personal taste , the types of people in your family , what size bed you have , the level of clean freak that you are . The relationships are amazing . Who do you bring to the laundromat ? Why ? There 's a woman that brings her grandmother who is in a wheelchair . I imagine for the same reason I bring my three kids : she won 't leave her alone and doesn 't want to get a sitter . But maybe I 'm totally wrong . Maybe Grandma just loves it the way I do . You can 't make any assumptions about the people in a laundromat . It took a while for us to become regulars , but we are , and it 's some kind of weird wonderful . I wouldn 't give it up . For one hour on Sundays my kids and I are part of this tenuous , ethereal thing . It 's a microcommunity . We come together for such a short time then fall away . Then back again .

Last weekend was my 40th high school reunion ( as I mentioned in my last post ) . Beve 's , too . 40th ! ! ! How did we grow to be so old ? All those boys who looked so different from each other when we were in high school , with their long hair of multi - hues , and varying heights ? Well , a whole passel of them seem to be the exact same size these days , approximately 6 ' tall . And none of them have hair . It was extremely disconcerting . I couldn 't keep them straight without looking at their name tags . And sadly , none of them wore name tags after our first get - together . The women , on the other hand , all looked great , though not necessarily as they did in high school . There was a whole lot of lighter hair this year . Not much gray hair . I didn 't recognize them without name tags either . But they sure recognized me . It was ridiculous . Apparently my face hasn 't changed much . AT ALL . " You look exactly the same ! " I heard over and over , while I was peering at chests right and left . It was kind of embarrassing . And I 'd say , " I 'm married to Beve . . . . " and before I could say our last name , the person would say , " You think I don 't know that . Of course I know that . " All these years ( we 've only been to one other reunion ) , I thought our marriage was a big shocker , but every one seems to have expected it from as far back as . . . well , at least high school if not childhood . Some of us have known each other since elementary school , including Beve and me . In fact , one of the best moments was when our 3 and 4th grade teacher surprised us at our Saturday dinner . We all gathered round like it was yesterday . Considering only 70 alumni were at this reunion , the number that came from this one elementary class alone is extraordinary . It was sweet to see her and she knew each of us so well , like it was yesterday , rather than almost 50 years ago . I loved that woman , I really did . She was so dear to Beve and me that she helped host a wedding shower for us when we married 18 years after we were in her class . ( That 's a small town for you , isn 't it ? ) There were significant conversations . Moments of great importance . It 's taken me several days to write about it ( I got home Tuesday night - - sick and tired ! ) , because I 've had to process on my own for a bit . I still hardly know what to make of the hardest of them . Before we ate on Saturday evening , the reunion committee chair ( one of my closest friends , then and still ) asked me to say grace . Even as I said yes , I began praying about how to be not merely ecumenical but considerate of those in our class who might not believe at all . I didn 't script a prayer ( there was no time , nor would I have anyway ) but I did decide to forego my normal " Father God " for " Almighty God " to begin , and " In Jesus ' Name " at the end . We gathered for our picture , then I prayed . It was a prayer centered on place - - the beautiful land where we were formed and grew together , studied together , played together , became friends together ; and the people with whom we gathered , those who had known us at the beginning of our journeys , and how that knowing made them true friends in deep ways . It was , perhaps more to the company than to God , but I felt comfortable with it . He hears , understands , knows my heart . And the company was made up of such a diverse population . Afterwards , MANY thanked me . Some of my former classmates surprised me with their thoughtful responses . But I don 't know where their lives have taken them any more than they know my journey . After all , it 's been 40 years , right ? And she was off . She 's an atheist , and so are her kids . and she 's all about ' raising the banner of atheism . ' Twenty - five minutes ( there were lots of people paying attention ) of her ripping me about it , praying , being a Christian , ' this ' becoming a Christian group . I can 't tell you all of it . I won 't . What I will tell you are just a couple of things : one is that , as Beve put it , my praying clearly ' hit a nerve . ' Before she actually heard what I said , she 'd walked away . It wasn 't content that mattered , anyway . Secondly , this was the first conversation this old classmate and I have EVER had . I told her that . She said , " But I knew who you were . " " I knew who you were , too , " I told her . My point , though , is that she 'd made assumptions about me without ever talking to me . About prayer , too . ( She thinks - - oddly - - that only Christians pray , for instance , but that 's besides the point here ) By the time our conversation ended , we hugged . She didn 't apologize but she did admit that perhaps we might have more in common than she had imagined . She had started about by saying that Christians are judgmental , and are the ones who persecute . Always . By the end she was calling me kind . Afterwards , I was so exhausted I needed to bawl , crawl into bed and process , probably in that order . But I definitely had to get out of there so I could cry HARD . Beve and I hugged just a couple of people and I left . So shaky and exhausted by what it took to have such venom spewed on me , I could hardly stagger to the car . I 've had time to process it now . I 've prayed a lot about it . I 've wondered if it was for that exact conversation that I was at that reunion . There were many good conversations . Sweet ones . After the weekend , I decamped to a lake place with my own sweet girlfriends for three days and we laughed and ate and laughed some more . It was a great , rollicking ' heart - tickle , ' as one of them put it to me . But I won 't soon forget that 25 minutes Saturday night , not because it colored the reunion for me . Well , it did . Of course it did . It was meant to . Moments like that don 't come along very often . And I want to know that I was LOVE to her , that I acted like Him whom she doesn 't know . May the One who loves her , though she doesn 't believe He exists , be the One she saw and heard and even hugged in those moments . And may I call myself blessed to have been His instrument to be used by Him in such times : not only when conversations are sweet but when they 're bitter . In the morning we 're to the small college town where we spent our childhood , our youth , my parents ' last years . You 'd be right in calling it our ' hometown ' , that place among the hills where we found our own place , our own selves , in such important ways , in such an important time that people keep harkening back to that time and place every decade or so for the rest of their lives . We 're among them . Yes , I 'm talking about a high school reunion . It 's our 40th . 40 years since we wore royal blue gowns and flipped our tassels from one side to the other of our caps , said good bye to about a million people ( or so it seemed ) and walked boldly into a future we hadn 't the faintest idea about . We thought we 'd be friends with some of those folks our whole lives long . And guess what ? We have been . I mean , Beve and I have been friends with more people we went to high school with than we had any business imagining back then . Shoot , we didn 't even imagine we 'd be married to each other that day we wrote in each other 's annuals , walked through commencement , hugged and said goodbye . It wasn 't even hard to say goodbye to him . But here we are , 40 years later , gladly married for 31 of them , with a posse of friends we 've continued to love from those early days . But besides those dear friends , whom we see whether there 's a reunion or not , there will be other people we haven 't seen in decades that it will be good to catch up with . I don 't have any preconceived notions about this weekend . I don 't know who will be there , or how they 'll be . I 'm not expecting anything . I just pray that I am present in every conversation , that I can sit with each person as though he or she is the only one in the room , not looking for who else might walk through the door or who else I might want to talk to . I pray for a chance to be Christ in every conversation , to simply be HIM . Today 's the first day in my memory , or in anyone 's memory , I think . White sky isn 't the same as cloudy sky , you understand . I didn 't know that before today . Cloudy skies have texture . There are ridges and different hues or gray and white and even pockets of blue now and then . But here today , the sky is uniformly white . Last night we drove home from our place in the North Cascades to bright blue skies . But within a few hours , the skies began to haze over toward the bay , with the accompanying smell of smoke . Before too long , we couldn 't see Bellingham Bay at all , and the sun looked like this : Our eyes stung so badly , SK had to close her window against it , though the house was hot and we have no air conditioning . You see , there are fires burning in Canada and , like Sarah Palin once famously said about Russia , we can see it from here . It wouldn 't matter if we could or not , however , the smoke plume knows no man - made borders . The entire Puget Sound area is covered with a haze today . This is an odd phenomenon for us . It 's odd for British Columbia to have such fires . We live in a region rife with rain in May and June . Our summer doesn 't usually begin until this week - - after the 4th of July . This year , we 've had temperatures from 85F ( 29C ) to 91F ( 32 . 7C ) and only . 23 inches of rain fell during June . That 's NOT what we signed up for around here , folks . It 's NOT what keeps our forests lush , our mountain lakes full and our grass green . But here we are . And our grass is . . . brown . BROWN dry and dead . And that 's all exactly the recipe for forest fires , smoke plumes and disasters . I suppose there are folks around here who might have found it easy enough to not understand all the noise about California and their water shortage , all the ' hype ' about climate change . . . until this summer hit - - back in May , when our temperatures began soaring and our governor had to declare a state of emergency on first a couple and then a few more counties right here in our own bountiful , water - filled northwest . But our mountains have no snow on them these days , we are sweltering in the heat , and our neighbor to the north have fires to contend with . I 'm aware of the inconstancy of this world today . Creation is not a fixed thing . We have changed it , as much as we are changed by it . And , though we might not live to see it , there is a shelf life to this planet . We can extend that or shorten it by how we live with and care for what we 've been given . BY God . Given by God . That 's what I should have said . But the whole of it is that only God is constant . He is above the fire and the sun and the lack of rain and the excess of it . He is above weather in any guise . He participates with us as we participate with Him . I believe that . He wants us to be HIS caretakers of this glorious earth He gave us . And I know this : Fire is not the enemy . Fire in forests is a replenishing act . It helps a forest be restored . Sometimes that 's exactly what a forest needs . I don 't say this glibly , but carefully . I say it , knowing what fire has been in my own life . I know how fire has restored and replenished and actually recreated me into His image . It 's taken away the chaff and left what was of Him . That 's what I think about as I smell the smoke today , pray for the fire - fighters who battle the flames , and those who might be in physical danger from them . If fire comes to YOUR life , what will you do with it ? Will it make you something true or burn you up ? I wrote this post three months after I began this blog six years ago . At the time , it was the first time I wrote about this subject . Since then , I 've written about it - - him - - more times than I can count . Still , today 's his birthday and since we 've been up in the mountains in the last week , and I 'm returning tomorrow , it 's apt to talk about him in this context . There has been a lot of hiking going on in these parts , so to speak , from here to Spain , where BB is on a 10 day solitary hike of his own . So while I sit for a moment on my bed , with the fan blowing on me to keep me from sweating in the late night heat ( no - one has air - conditioning in my world , but we 'll be re - thinking it if this summer is a harbinger of things to come ) , let me pull up this old post about my dad , and wish him a happy birthday . . . So how do I talk about him ? I 've been trying to think . Do I tell you that he was the best father anyone ever had ? He was , you know . I really believe that . I know , my kids think that Beve is . And I want them to . I thank God they do think so . Many of my friends have Dads or husbands who fit that bill as well , and fine , they can have a share in this pie . But for me , it was Dad . He was brilliant , witty , encouraging , a servant , my brother in Christ ( Hallelujah ! ! ! ) , stubborn , wise , loyal , had honor and integrity like a man should . . . When Dad was 18 years old , he and 3 other buddies climbed Mt . Saint Helens . Dad was the most experienced climber - - he 'd already climbed Rainier , Adams , and been a part of a climbing club for a while . Shoot , Dad has a 4 digit REI membership number . He became a member back in the ' 40s when REI was a fledgling operation , housed in an old warehouse . Anyway , in 1949 , Dad and these friends climbed St Helens on a clear spring morning , got all the way to the top , looked down on the whole world , looked down on their whole lives and saw that it was good , and started back down with hope and joy . They weren 't roped up as they crossed a gently sloped ice - field , but Dad was still slightly leading . The next boy , Art , didn 't follow Dad 's tracks , but walked beside him , and in an instant , fell through the snow and into a deep crevasse , breaking both legs in the fall . And he had the rope with him ! So two of the boys skied down the mountain as fast as their legs could carry them . And my 18 - year - old pre - father dad sat on that mountain for hours , talking to Art , listening to him . Both of them knew by the end that help would not come in time , so Art told my dad messages for his parents , siblings and friends . When Art 's voice finally petered out , and Dad couldn 't do anything else for him - - and when the sun was going down so Dad himself was also in danger - - he left his axe and shovel shaped in an X , and skied down the mountain alone in the twilight . Hearing Art 's voice in his head . The next morning the ski patrol brought Art 's cold and broken body down the mountain . Dad told me once that when he was in the navy and had the midnight watch out at sea , he would stand on the ship and look at the ocean , and could hear Art 's voice echoing in the postmid - night hours . I wrote a poem about it in college that won rave reviews " Two bells " ( I wish I could find it now ) . He never told me what Art said to him in all those hours , but it changed his life to have lived through it with him . It made Dad more intentional with us , I think . Able to listen to us , to fully engage . He didn 't take things for granted , told us often and with sincerity , that he loved us , was proud of us , that he wanted us to grow up to do better , to be stronger , to be who he saw we could be . He was paying attention - - even in the busyness of his own very demanding work , and very compelling avocation of the out - of - doors . Sure , he had his strong sense of right and wrong and the Boy Scout Law to guide him , but there was also something about those hours on the mountain that spurred him on . Dad towered like Mt Saint Helens over our lives . In so many ways . He was the strong sturdy back we climbed , and the place we went to play . He led , and we followed . Or , he went behind , letting the slowest set the pace - - so we stayed together . He was the place we went again and again , to relearn , to find out new things , to laugh , to cry , to simply be . He taught us everything - - literally everything - - he knew about surviving life on the mountain . About being safe , and about loving it . And didn 't we all love being on the mountain ? And when he died , it was like a mountain had blown up in our lives . Ash rained down on us for months from the pain of Dad 's death . Ash lingers in the crevasses still . There 's a different shape to it now - - the place where that mountain was is a crater . And though I 've gotten used to how the crater looks , what it feels like to live with that crater in view , I miss the mountain . I will always miss him . He thought nothing good came from it . But I 'm here to tell you , Dad did , and he was the best that mountain had to offer !

Last weekend was my 40th high school reunion ( as I mentioned in my last post ) . Beve 's , too . 40th ! ! ! How did we grow to be so old ? All those boys who looked so different from each other when we were in high school , with their long hair of multi - hues , and varying heights ? Well , a whole passel of them seem to be the exact same size these days , approximately 6 ' tall . And none of them have hair . It was extremely disconcerting . I couldn 't keep them straight without looking at their name tags . And sadly , none of them wore name tags after our first get - together . The women , on the other hand , all looked great , though not necessarily as they did in high school . There was a whole lot of lighter hair this year . Not much gray hair . I didn 't recognize them without name tags either . But they sure recognized me . It was ridiculous . Apparently my face hasn 't changed much . AT ALL . " You look exactly the same ! " I heard over and over , while I was peering at chests right and left . It was kind of embarrassing . And I 'd say , " I 'm married to Beve . . . . " and before I could say our last name , the person would say , " You think I don 't know that . Of course I know that . " All these years ( we 've only been to one other reunion ) , I thought our marriage was a big shocker , but every one seems to have expected it from as far back as . . . well , at least high school if not childhood . Some of us have known each other since elementary school , including Beve and me . In fact , one of the best moments was when our 3 and 4th grade teacher surprised us at our Saturday dinner . We all gathered round like it was yesterday . Considering only 70 alumni were at this reunion , the number that came from this one elementary class alone is extraordinary . It was sweet to see her and she knew each of us so well , like it was yesterday , rather than almost 50 years ago . I loved that woman , I really did . She was so dear to Beve and me that she helped host a wedding shower for us when we married 18 years after we were in her class . ( That 's a small town for you , isn 't it ? ) There were significant conversations . Moments of great importance . It 's taken me several days to write about it ( I got home Tuesday night - - sick and tired ! ) , because I 've had to process on my own for a bit . I still hardly know what to make of the hardest of them . Before we ate on Saturday evening , the reunion committee chair ( one of my closest friends , then and still ) asked me to say grace . Even as I said yes , I began praying about how to be not merely ecumenical but considerate of those in our class who might not believe at all . I didn 't script a prayer ( there was no time , nor would I have anyway ) but I did decide to forego my normal " Father God " for " Almighty God " to begin , and " In Jesus ' Name " at the end . We gathered for our picture , then I prayed . It was a prayer centered on place - - the beautiful land where we were formed and grew together , studied together , played together , became friends together ; and the people with whom we gathered , those who had known us at the beginning of our journeys , and how that knowing made them true friends in deep ways . It was , perhaps more to the company than to God , but I felt comfortable with it . He hears , understands , knows my heart . And the company was made up of such a diverse population . Afterwards , MANY thanked me . Some of my former classmates surprised me with their thoughtful responses . But I don 't know where their lives have taken them any more than they know my journey . After all , it 's been 40 years , right ? And she was off . She 's an atheist , and so are her kids . and she 's all about ' raising the banner of atheism . ' Twenty - five minutes ( there were lots of people paying attention ) of her ripping me about it , praying , being a Christian , ' this ' becoming a Christian group . I can 't tell you all of it . I won 't . What I will tell you are just a couple of things : one is that , as Beve put it , my praying clearly ' hit a nerve . ' Before she actually heard what I said , she 'd walked away . It wasn 't content that mattered , anyway . Secondly , this was the first conversation this old classmate and I have EVER had . I told her that . She said , " But I knew who you were . " " I knew who you were , too , " I told her . My point , though , is that she 'd made assumptions about me without ever talking to me . About prayer , too . ( She thinks - - oddly - - that only Christians pray , for instance , but that 's besides the point here ) By the time our conversation ended , we hugged . She didn 't apologize but she did admit that perhaps we might have more in common than she had imagined . She had started about by saying that Christians are judgmental , and are the ones who persecute . Always . By the end she was calling me kind . Afterwards , I was so exhausted I needed to bawl , crawl into bed and process , probably in that order . But I definitely had to get out of there so I could cry HARD . Beve and I hugged just a couple of people and I left . So shaky and exhausted by what it took to have such venom spewed on me , I could hardly stagger to the car . I 've had time to process it now . I 've prayed a lot about it . I 've wondered if it was for that exact conversation that I was at that reunion . There were many good conversations . Sweet ones . After the weekend , I decamped to a lake place with my own sweet girlfriends for three days and we laughed and ate and laughed some more . It was a great , rollicking ' heart - tickle , ' as one of them put it to me . But I won 't soon forget that 25 minutes Saturday night , not because it colored the reunion for me . Well , it did . Of course it did . It was meant to . Moments like that don 't come along very often . And I want to know that I was LOVE to her , that I acted like Him whom she doesn 't know . May the One who loves her , though she doesn 't believe He exists , be the One she saw and heard and even hugged in those moments . And may I call myself blessed to have been His instrument to be used by Him in such times : not only when conversations are sweet but when they 're bitter . In the morning we 're to the small college town where we spent our childhood , our youth , my parents ' last years . You 'd be right in calling it our ' hometown ' , that place among the hills where we found our own place , our own selves , in such important ways , in such an important time that people keep harkening back to that time and place every decade or so for the rest of their lives . We 're among them . Yes , I 'm talking about a high school reunion . It 's our 40th . 40 years since we wore royal blue gowns and flipped our tassels from one side to the other of our caps , said good bye to about a million people ( or so it seemed ) and walked boldly into a future we hadn 't the faintest idea about . We thought we 'd be friends with some of those folks our whole lives long . And guess what ? We have been . I mean , Beve and I have been friends with more people we went to high school with than we had any business imagining back then . Shoot , we didn 't even imagine we 'd be married to each other that day we wrote in each other 's annuals , walked through commencement , hugged and said goodbye . It wasn 't even hard to say goodbye to him . But here we are , 40 years later , gladly married for 31 of them , with a posse of friends we 've continued to love from those early days . But besides those dear friends , whom we see whether there 's a reunion or not , there will be other people we haven 't seen in decades that it will be good to catch up with . I don 't have any preconceived notions about this weekend . I don 't know who will be there , or how they 'll be . I 'm not expecting anything . I just pray that I am present in every conversation , that I can sit with each person as though he or she is the only one in the room , not looking for who else might walk through the door or who else I might want to talk to . I pray for a chance to be Christ in every conversation , to simply be HIM . Today 's the first day in my memory , or in anyone 's memory , I think . White sky isn 't the same as cloudy sky , you understand . I didn 't know that before today . Cloudy skies have texture . There are ridges and different hues or gray and white and even pockets of blue now and then . But here today , the sky is uniformly white . Last night we drove home from our place in the North Cascades to bright blue skies . But within a few hours , the skies began to haze over toward the bay , with the accompanying smell of smoke . Before too long , we couldn 't see Bellingham Bay at all , and the sun looked like this : Our eyes stung so badly , SK had to close her window against it , though the house was hot and we have no air conditioning . You see , there are fires burning in Canada and , like Sarah Palin once famously said about Russia , we can see it from here . It wouldn 't matter if we could or not , however , the smoke plume knows no man - made borders . The entire Puget Sound area is covered with a haze today . This is an odd phenomenon for us . It 's odd for British Columbia to have such fires . We live in a region rife with rain in May and June . Our summer doesn 't usually begin until this week - - after the 4th of July . This year , we 've had temperatures from 85F ( 29C ) to 91F ( 32 . 7C ) and only . 23 inches of rain fell during June . That 's NOT what we signed up for around here , folks . It 's NOT what keeps our forests lush , our mountain lakes full and our grass green . But here we are . And our grass is . . . brown . BROWN dry and dead . And that 's all exactly the recipe for forest fires , smoke plumes and disasters . I suppose there are folks around here who might have found it easy enough to not understand all the noise about California and their water shortage , all the ' hype ' about climate change . . . until this summer hit - - back in May , when our temperatures began soaring and our governor had to declare a state of emergency on first a couple and then a few more counties right here in our own bountiful , water - filled northwest . But our mountains have no snow on them these days , we are sweltering in the heat , and our neighbor to the north have fires to contend with . I 'm aware of the inconstancy of this world today . Creation is not a fixed thing . We have changed it , as much as we are changed by it . And , though we might not live to see it , there is a shelf life to this planet . We can extend that or shorten it by how we live with and care for what we 've been given . BY God . Given by God . That 's what I should have said . But the whole of it is that only God is constant . He is above the fire and the sun and the lack of rain and the excess of it . He is above weather in any guise . He participates with us as we participate with Him . I believe that . He wants us to be HIS caretakers of this glorious earth He gave us . And I know this : Fire is not the enemy . Fire in forests is a replenishing act . It helps a forest be restored . Sometimes that 's exactly what a forest needs . I don 't say this glibly , but carefully . I say it , knowing what fire has been in my own life . I know how fire has restored and replenished and actually recreated me into His image . It 's taken away the chaff and left what was of Him . That 's what I think about as I smell the smoke today , pray for the fire - fighters who battle the flames , and those who might be in physical danger from them . If fire comes to YOUR life , what will you do with it ? Will it make you something true or burn you up ? I wrote this post three months after I began this blog six years ago . At the time , it was the first time I wrote about this subject . Since then , I 've written about it - - him - - more times than I can count . Still , today 's his birthday and since we 've been up in the mountains in the last week , and I 'm returning tomorrow , it 's apt to talk about him in this context . There has been a lot of hiking going on in these parts , so to speak , from here to Spain , where BB is on a 10 day solitary hike of his own . So while I sit for a moment on my bed , with the fan blowing on me to keep me from sweating in the late night heat ( no - one has air - conditioning in my world , but we 'll be re - thinking it if this summer is a harbinger of things to come ) , let me pull up this old post about my dad , and wish him a happy birthday . . . So how do I talk about him ? I 've been trying to think . Do I tell you that he was the best father anyone ever had ? He was , you know . I really believe that . I know , my kids think that Beve is . And I want them to . I thank God they do think so . Many of my friends have Dads or husbands who fit that bill as well , and fine , they can have a share in this pie . But for me , it was Dad . He was brilliant , witty , encouraging , a servant , my brother in Christ ( Hallelujah ! ! ! ) , stubborn , wise , loyal , had honor and integrity like a man should . . . When Dad was 18 years old , he and 3 other buddies climbed Mt . Saint Helens . Dad was the most experienced climber - - he 'd already climbed Rainier , Adams , and been a part of a climbing club for a while . Shoot , Dad has a 4 digit REI membership number . He became a member back in the ' 40s when REI was a fledgling operation , housed in an old warehouse . Anyway , in 1949 , Dad and these friends climbed St Helens on a clear spring morning , got all the way to the top , looked down on the whole world , looked down on their whole lives and saw that it was good , and started back down with hope and joy . They weren 't roped up as they crossed a gently sloped ice - field , but Dad was still slightly leading . The next boy , Art , didn 't follow Dad 's tracks , but walked beside him , and in an instant , fell through the snow and into a deep crevasse , breaking both legs in the fall . And he had the rope with him ! So two of the boys skied down the mountain as fast as their legs could carry them . And my 18 - year - old pre - father dad sat on that mountain for hours , talking to Art , listening to him . Both of them knew by the end that help would not come in time , so Art told my dad messages for his parents , siblings and friends . When Art 's voice finally petered out , and Dad couldn 't do anything else for him - - and when the sun was going down so Dad himself was also in danger - - he left his axe and shovel shaped in an X , and skied down the mountain alone in the twilight . Hearing Art 's voice in his head . The next morning the ski patrol brought Art 's cold and broken body down the mountain . Dad told me once that when he was in the navy and had the midnight watch out at sea , he would stand on the ship and look at the ocean , and could hear Art 's voice echoing in the postmid - night hours . I wrote a poem about it in college that won rave reviews " Two bells " ( I wish I could find it now ) . He never told me what Art said to him in all those hours , but it changed his life to have lived through it with him . It made Dad more intentional with us , I think . Able to listen to us , to fully engage . He didn 't take things for granted , told us often and with sincerity , that he loved us , was proud of us , that he wanted us to grow up to do better , to be stronger , to be who he saw we could be . He was paying attention - - even in the busyness of his own very demanding work , and very compelling avocation of the out - of - doors . Sure , he had his strong sense of right and wrong and the Boy Scout Law to guide him , but there was also something about those hours on the mountain that spurred him on . Dad towered like Mt Saint Helens over our lives . In so many ways . He was the strong sturdy back we climbed , and the place we went to play . He led , and we followed . Or , he went behind , letting the slowest set the pace - - so we stayed together . He was the place we went again and again , to relearn , to find out new things , to laugh , to cry , to simply be . He taught us everything - - literally everything - - he knew about surviving life on the mountain . About being safe , and about loving it . And didn 't we all love being on the mountain ? And when he died , it was like a mountain had blown up in our lives . Ash rained down on us for months from the pain of Dad 's death . Ash lingers in the crevasses still . There 's a different shape to it now - - the place where that mountain was is a crater . And though I 've gotten used to how the crater looks , what it feels like to live with that crater in view , I miss the mountain . I will always miss him . He thought nothing good came from it . But I 'm here to tell you , Dad did , and he was the best that mountain had to offer !

It is so easy to say , " no " to things - particularly " things " that require getting out of bed , schlepping somewhere , or putting on pants ; in some cases , all three . Activities outside the home , particularly ones that involve other humans , require effort . More and more , as opportunities that involve these herculean tasks , specifically the donning of pants , present themselves , my initial reaction is to say , " Thanks , but no thanks ! " . I have a physically demanding and mentally stressful job that requires me to do all of the above AND to interact with people all damn day . Quite frankly , I am tired by day 's end and , more often than not , have had my fill of people . Thus , rationalizing the " no " comes easily at the end of a long shift . Following the schlep home , all I want to do , all I feel that I can successfully achieve , is to take off my pants and to crawl back under the covers . Where I am safe . Where no one is making demands of me . Where no one is criticizing me . I have learned , though , to take a beat before responding in the negative , to think about what , exactly , I am saying " no " to ( or for ) . Once I have gotten over the hurdles that include , but are not limited to , leaving my bedroom , throwing on some clothes , and transporting myself elsewhere - and , really , sometimes " elsewhere " is just up the block ! - I am always pleased that I resisted the urge to beg off . I enjoyed the play and the acrobats . Truly , Jessica Lange 's performance in " Long Day 's Journey Into Night " was mesmerizing ; and those Chinese acrobats were something else ! Even so , these outings were about more than just the events . I am not in their lives to fetch them straws or to make them some cockamamie drink . They are not sitting in judgment of my job performance in light of the fact that I spilled a ramekin of butter on a guest . They appreciate my eye - rolling and sighing , welcome it , even . There was a time when I would have been the perfect contestant . That time was not all that long ago , it may , in fact , have been last week . But , now ? This week ? It seems that I am getting so few things right . Getting all of the answers wrong takes all the fun out of the game . I go home at the end of every shift feeling uneasy , anxious , and , defeated . When I have been made to feel like I have no value , slipping into a pair of pajamas and sliding into bed seems the best course of action . What I have discovered is that when I am around " my " people , I am almost instantly transformed into a person who has value . I feel , not only valued , but truly loved and appreciated . For that feeling I will resist the urge to go to bed at 7 : 00 PM . For that feeling I will schlep to wherever I need to schlep . For that feeling I will put on pants . I cannot vote for Donald Trump . My reasons are not high - brow or intellectual . Still , I have put a great deal of thought into them . I hope my tribe of liberals can forgive me . Putting Trump 's message and his demagoguery aside , my reasons have more to do with his hair and his love of self - tanner , than they do with his political beliefs . On the face of it , a person 's appearance may seem like a shallow reason not to vote for him . Stay with me , though , it will all make sense in the end . His absolute insistence on maintaining a bad haircut says a great deal about him , both as a person and as a leader . His commitment to embracing something that is so clearly wrong , something that he could very easily change , does not scream " I like my hair and I am leaving it as it is ! " . Rather it says , " I 'm not taking suggestions from the crowd . " It has not gone unnoticed that plenty of dictators throughout the course of history were also in possession of bad haircuts . Hitler . Stalin . Kim Jong - Il . We all have a bad haircut story . Bad haircuts are part of life . Most of us , though , have the sense that God gave a cow and we do something about it OR we , when we can , wear a hat . At the very least we explain our bad haircut . " I had a groupon " pretty much says it all . The very fact that he has failed to demonstrate any common sense where his hair is concerned has always troubled me . In fact , he is pretty resolute on the hair thing . Even prior to listening to his rhetoric this political season , I could not get behind anything he said or did because I could not get past the message his hair puts out . I do not believe for a minute that his children , a couple of whom seem like sensible people , have never looked him in the eye and said , " Your hair is crazy , Dad ! " I know mine would . I wouldn 't get away with sporting that look for a minute ! It is hard to fathom that a woman who puts her name on some very fine products - have you seen her shoes ? - has not taken the opportunity in a quiet moment to have a frank discussion with her father about his hair . I would never expect her to go public with this information , though . I feel certain that she feels awful about her inability to convince him to make a change . The Donald has fancied this bad comb - over with a mind of its own style for years . The self - tanner , though , that is more recent . I can understand a person who wants to have a healthy glow without subjecting themselves to harmful UV rays . I can understand a person on a budget who ducks into the local CVS and plops down the ten bucks for the self - tanner that she can afford . What I cannot understand is how Donald Trump , a billionaire who is running for President of The United States , thinks that the best place to cut corners , financially - speaking , is in the self - tanning aisle . It is not . It is just not . His orange face in combination with that awful hair does not project self - confidence ; it projects his inability to recognize bad decisions . Still , even had he not proved himself to be an authoritarian , hate - spewing , violent reactionary with no real qualification for public office , I still would not be voting for him . Because of the hair . Because of the self - tanner . I awakened in the dead of night in a cold sweat . I dreamed that I could not find my daughter . It felt so real . So much so that I was , momentarily and , quite literally , panic stricken . I finally fell asleep . It was a very deep sleep . When I woke up this morning I had only a vague recollection of the frightening middle - of - the - night events and , thankfully , a sense of relief . Her on a swing in the park . Her , with her father 's assistance , putting the angel atop the Christmas tree . Her at an ice cream shop on a long ago vacation . Her dressed as a Pilgrim . Her playing field hockey . Her , in her prom dress , with her head thrown back and her arms akimbo , laughing . Her face on a baseball card . Her , as an infant , sleeping in her father 's arms . Mostly , though , there was the one of her in her purple hat and matching coat . She was six years old . It was late Autumn . The Halloween decorations on the front lawn can be seen in the background . I must have had film left in the camera . Likely there were pictures of her , dressed as Tinkerbell , on that roll . I remember taking that picture . That little girl that I was relentlessly ( and unsuccessfully ) searching for in my dream no longer exists . I have to let her go . I know this . Of course I know this . It is not easy , though . On some level I blame Hootie for the dream . Yes , Hootie , from " Hootie and the Blowfish " . To be fair , he goes by his real name now - Darius Rucker . Last night , which was , incidentally , my daughter 's first night back at school since mid - December , I was watching a PBS program which featured Mr . Rucker . As I was laying there , missing her , thinking about the fact that I may not see her until April , he began to tell the story of one of his most popular songs , " It Won 't Be Like This For Long " . While I have heard that song countless times , I guess that I never really listened to the words . Last night , I listened to the words . And I burst into tears . Thankfully my husband had already fallen asleep . While he has developed a taste for " Downton Abbey " , " Mercy Street " may not have been his cup of tea . So , there I was , feeling alone and vulnerable , trying to decide whether or not " Mercy Street " had been my cup of tea either , when this music program came on . The last week before she returns to school is always bittersweet . That , combined with the fact that I hit the bad job jackpot - I now have two jobs that I hate , aren 't I a lucky gal ? - and an ill - timed decision to paint my kitchen ( don 't ask ! ) , left me longing for some mindless entertainment . Enter Hootie . Yeah . It won 't be like this for long . I know . Still , I would give just about anything if today I was posing her in front of the pumpkins in her little purple hat and asking her to smile and to say , " Cheese " instead of sitting here thinking about how she is 300 miles away . Joe 's Crab Shack announced yesterday that it is instituting a " no tipping " policy in its restaurants . Instead , they announced , they will be paying their wait staff a wage of $ 14 / hour . One might think that I , a lifelong server , would applaud this move . I am going to reserve my ovation for the moment . While this may well be a step in the right direction , I am concerned about the hourly rate . How , I would like to know , did the folks at Joe 's Crab Shack arrive at this figure ? ( To be fair , they did indicate that some servers - based on merit - would be paid more . ) I think a pre - tax hourly rate of $ 14 / hour is low . I think that the majority of the staff at Joe 's Crab Shack will be taking a pay cut . Actually , at least here in the northeast , I know that they will be . I took a look at my most recent pay stub and discovered that , for me , and I would guarantee for most of my co - workers , this would be true . The pay cut that we would be taking if our company were to go in this same direction ? Approximately 50 % . Does anyone think we do this because we LOVE our jobs ? We do this for the money - and for the flexible hours . I would hazard a guess that servers at Joe 's Crab Shack are going to lose both money and flexibility , particularly in terms of the number of hours they will be allowed to work on a given day . Many States have laws on the books that require a person be paid time - and - a - half for any time worked over 8 hours / day . Typically , tipped employees are exempt from these rules . It will also be interesting to see whether or not the level of service will decline once the service staff is no longer incentivized . Think about it . If a server has three tables in an hour and their sales in that time period add up to $ 300 , they have a built in incentive to service these guests well . Why ? $ 45 / hour , that 's why . While I understand that a person will not net $ 45 in that hour ( one must take out taxes and tip - outs ) . Still , 15 % of this $ 300 in sales would , at a minimum , translate , after taxes and tip - outs , to about $ 30 in the server 's pocket , which is still more than double the $ 14 / hour that Joe 's Crab Shack has decided is a fair wage for its service staff . ( No , we do not make $ 30 / hour ALL the time , but during peak dinner hours we can earn that . ) I watch servers now - servers who have every reason to provide excellent service - who do not do their jobs . These are people who , in my opinion , will be content with a flat rate wage . Will their customers be content without a water refill ? Will their tables be full of dirty dishes ? Will they have ketchup ? Time , I suppose , will tell . If this trend takes hold , I would not be surprised if most good servers , professional servers , leave the industry altogether . If people think servers are stupid ( or lazy , or lack menu knowledge , or … . insert your own preconceived , but likely wrong , notion here ) now , just wait until they see what they get when the person waiting on them is only taking home about eleven bucks an hour . Trying to find your server will be like trying to find the person wearing the orange apron at the home improvement store . Good luck with that ! I understand that there are restaurants where tipping is not allowed . I understand that it works for them . Frankly , I don 't know how - not when these same workers can go down the road and make twice what they are making in an establishment where tipping is the norm . Where a " no tipping " policy works may have something to do with workers who are comfortable with this custom . For example , there is a Japanese restaurant in NYC where tipping is not allowed - because tipping is not allowed in Japan . I am not sure how this translates to the US economy , but it seems to work for them . ( So they say . ) There may be isolated cases where a worker simply can not go " down the road " to another establishment and make more money . I would imagine that a restaurant located in a lightly populated area - an area where the hourly wage vs . being tipped evens out . This sort of establishment might draw a decent pool of workers who are happy to work for a flat rate . This is not the case in my corner of the world . Do not even get me started on what the expectation from employers - once they are paying their front - of - house staff $ 14 an hour - will be . I guarantee you that cleaning bathrooms , removing garbage , and spit - shining fixtures will be in the future of service staff members nationwide . That will not be a good thing , not for servers , but especially not for the folks who currently do these jobs . I would bet that quite a few of these workers will find themselves out of jobs - jobs that they sorely need . Currently our " side work " can be back - breaking . There are considerations , though , about how much of it we can have and how long we can reasonably be expected to complete our tasks . The law says that we must be able to finish this work while we still have tables - while we still have the opportunity to make at least minimum wage . Once we are being paid $ 14 / hour , all bets , where " side work " is concerned , will be off . Where I live , bringing home $ 11 / hour will not cut it . Working for $ 440 a week would bankrupt me . ( This is assuming that a restaurant is willing to give me - or anyone else - a full 40 - hour a week schedule . ) I would have to have two jobs - two full - time jobs - to earn what I currently take home working one . I am , quite literally , shuddering at the thought . Like many other people in the country - so many that there is a trending Twitter hashtag ( # starbuckschristmas ) devoted to this extremely important issue - I feel the need to weigh in on the whole " Starbuck 's changed its Christmas cup to appeal to the complainers in the world who want to take Christ out of Christmas ! " brouhaha . Like many other people in the country , I honestly cannot remember what the old Christmas cup looked like , but not knowing about a thing ever stopped me from expressing my opinion about it before . Unlike the folks up at Starbuck 's , I will just go ahead and stick with tradition , dammit ! I am assuming that there was some nod to Christmas on the Starbuck 's holiday cup . I seriously doubt that there was a nativity scene emblazoned on the old cups . But , what do I know ? Maybe there was . I never noticed . Frankly , I don 't notice much when I am in Starbuck 's . Except maybe how many people are standing between me and my ability to get my French vanilla latte , made breve , with an extra shot of espresso . Depending on the season , I may replace French vanilla with Pumpkin Spice or Crème Brulee . Yeah . I 'm flexible like that . I am also flexible about a company changing the design of its cup . Actually , I don 't really care about the design of the cup , so long as they don 't screw with what they put inside of it . I love Starbuck 's coffee . I am not ashamed to admit it . Some people have gone so far as to suggest that I may need a 12 - step meeting to deal with my addiction . To this I say , mainly to my husband and daughter , " Stop talking to me . I am trying to decide between the French vanilla and the Pumpkin spice . " , as I wonder if there is a 12 - step program for nagging that I could direct them towards . They won 't though . They won 't suddenly become Dunkin ' Donuts customers . Would you like to know why ? Because , if they did , then they would have to drink Dunkin ' Donuts coffee . No Starbuck 's coffee drinker in their right mind is going to voluntarily switch to DD . No way . No how . In a world where there is much to be grateful for ( truly , there is ) , the existence of Dunkin ' Donuts is not something a Starbuck 's coffee drinker could ever be grateful for . It will serve in a pinch , but as an every day substitute ? No way . No how . This idea of what we should be grateful for reminded me of many scenes from my childhood , most of them involving my father . My father began a lot of sentences ( from the front porch , with coffee cup in hand ) with " You 're lucky … . " And , we were . In that picture you will see a man that worked all night and stayed up with us during the day . ( Hence the porch sitting and the coffee drinking . ) You will see a man that often helped us with the leaf raking ( he wasn 't a big fan of the weed pulling ) and always ( and I mean " always " , as in every single time ) joined us as we jumped ( or , very often were thrown - by him ) into the giant piles of leaves that wound up in the cement pond that had long ago ceased to contain fish or frogs , but made an excellent place for growing mint in the summertime and for depositing leaves in the Fall . He didn 't really work us , no matter what we told our mother , all that hard . Depending on the season , there was always cocoa or lemonade at the end of whichever mindless task we had been assigned . If we had to run down to the store to fetch milk or bread , the change was always ours to spend - on whatever struck our fancy . I , usually , spent mine on magazines or comic books , my sister spent hers on snacks . Unless it was Summer ; it was nearly impossible to resist the lure of the " bomb pop " on a hot day - even if Donny Osmond or David Cassidy were gracing the cover of the latest " Tiger Beat " . I can remember walking home covered in " bomb pop " remnants . The stickiness of the red and blue dye that were the hallmarks of having eaten a bomb pop made me , I am sure , look like an urchin . Still , I was a happy urchin . On a sugar high . Now , I am a happy adult . On a caffeine high . Thank you , Starbuck 's . Thank you , Dad . I was lucky . I know that now . I knew it then , too . I think it is high time that other people recognize how lucky they are . And , they are very lucky indeed , lucky enough to have the time to fret over coffee cup designs . To that end , I would like to suggest a new Twitter hashtag , # shutupaboutthecupsalreadyandbegrateful . Last night I overheard a customer who was sitting at the bar ask my bar partner what my name was . I had no idea why this guy wanted this information ; I had had absolutely no interaction with this customer at all . " Great ! " , I thought to myself , " What the hell did I do NOW ? " Because , yeah , I always think the worst . I 'm Irish : it is , alas , in my nature to be a pessimist . Also , it has been my experience that the sole reason someone wants to know your name is so that they can complain about you . I went over to him and introduced myself . " Hi , I 'm Jackie . How are you tonight ? " This was a tactical move on my part . I figured that maybe I could " make my case " , nip the whole complaining about me thing in the bud by being straightforward with , by ingratiating myself to , " the guy " . I was wracking my brain , trying to think what the hell I could have done wrong . I quickly scrolled through the possibilities . Did " the guy " witness me committing some heinous error related to personal hygiene ? Did I touch my hair ? My mouth ? Did I pick up a glass by the rim ? I didn 't think so . I am careful about those things . Still , anyone can make a mistake . Did we ignore him in favor of someone who walked in . 05 seconds after him ? That happens sometimes . It is not intentional . It is , more often than not , a result of someone standing in a more convenient spot than another person . Eventually we get to everyone . We try to be fair . People don 't always see it that way . I have been at this long enough to know that . " The guy " had nearly finished his meal . From what I could tell my bar partner had adequately attended to this man 's needs . Or had he ? Did this gentleman think me " in charge " because I was the elder stateswoman behind the bar ? Was he going to lodge a complaint about my young co - worker ? That happens sometimes , too . Actually , that happens a lot . I am , by the way , not " in charge " of anything or anybody . People don 't know that , though . They often grab me , thinking that I , by virtue , I suppose , of my gray hair and conscientious manner , also possess the magical ability to solve their problems , which , of course , I do not . Did I bash into his barstool , causing his knife to slip ? Did a morsel of food go sailing off of his plate as a result of my clumsiness ? Perhaps . I am not known far and wide for my gracefulness . I do not see well in the dark , either . The manager on duty last night likes to keep the lights low . I can barely see a thing . I have no time to fool with lighting . Sure , I 've bitched about it . The manager 's answer ? He likes it that way . Okay . I am a woman who has learned to pick her battles . I am not going to engage in lighting warfare with a manager who , outside of his penchant for striking a romantic atmosphere , does his job well . Life is too short for that kind of nonsense . He , the manager , finds it hysterical when I bring up the flashlight on my phone to find things in the dark - and by " things " I mean the cash register . Yeah . I would love to get one of those miner 's helmets and strap it on the next time we work together . That , too , would amuse him . He and I have a few laughs , mostly at my expense . Because he is a good egg , I am willing to move past our lighting issues . In the spirit of congeniality , he is willing to overlook some of my more idiosyncratic behaviors . ( Like my trademark eye - rolling , for example . ) It is what it is . Did " the guy " think he knew me from somewhere ? That happens . I know a lot of people . I have worked locally in bars and restaurants for the past thirty years . A lot of people know me . It is slightly embarrassing when I don 't remember them , but what are you going to do ? I can 't be expected to remember every person I have ever come into contact with in my life , can I ? I was hoping our conversation was not going to be a trip down Memory Lane . I was busy . Far too busy to take a jaunt back in time with a guy that I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that I had never seen before . All of this was rolling around my head as I was standing in front of " the guy " . He politely explained that he wanted to know my name because he wanted to commend me . When he wants to compliment a person , he said , he likes to know their name . What ? ! ? ! ? ! I did not see this coming . I did not even know he was aware of my existence before he asked my bar partner for my name . He told me that I was the hardest worker he had ever seen , compared me to the " Energizer Bunny " , and told me that he was exhausted just watching me . I apologized for tuckering him out , explained that my bar partner made my success possible ( " couldn 't do it without him ! " " we make a great team ! " ) , and thanked the customer for noticing . As I was speaking with him , I noticed , out of the corner of my eye , that I was being summoned by a woman who was seated at one of the bar top tables . I excused myself , but was planning to make my way back to " the guy " , to get HIS name , to thank him again . ( To beg him to return ! ) Once I had attended to the woman 's demand for , I kid you not , " a dozen " lemons , ( yes , that 's what she wanted , a " dozen " lemons - for her steak ! ) I looked for him , but he was gone . I wanted him to know that he made my week ! It had been a bit of a rough week , to tell you the truth . Many of us worker bees had wondered , aloud and with head - shaking seriousness , what had gotten into people this week ? Seriously . Every shift was chock full of the nasty and the weird . We all felt slightly outnumbered . This guy , " the guy " , softened the edges of what had been an angst - filled week . The lesson here , my friends , is this : if you see something , say something , especially if that something is nice . It may just mean the world to someone . I am lucky that last night that " someone " was me . I was listening to Jackson Browne 's seminal album , Late for the Sky ( 1974 ) , today . One of my favorite songs from that album is entitled " Farther On " . It felt appropriate today to listen to this particular song . The New York Mets players and their fans - of which I am one - awakened this morning to the sad reality that this season is over . Like this song says , our " dreams have come up torn and empty " . Last year , following a below . 500 season , I published some musings on my team in a post entitled " Here 's To Hoping ! " . The Mets gave us more than hope this year ; they brought us to The World Series . They gave us October baseball . Hell , they gave us a little bit of November baseball . We went to The World Series . The World Series ! I have decided that rather than be saddened by the loss we experienced last night , that I am going to be grateful for the season we , the fans , were given . And , of course , I will remain hopeful for next year . ( Hopefulness and a certain amount of cock - eyed optimism regarding " next year " are hallmarks of all New York Mets ' fans ; it is in our DNA . ) So , they did not win this year . So , what ? They got there , which is far more than any of us , individually or collectively , could have reasonably expected from this team only one short year ago ! Actually , never mind a year ago , things looked bleak as late as this past July ! And then , BOOM ! It happened . The unthinkable happened . Some trades were made at the deadline which shored up both our offense and our defense . The Washington Nationals imploded . We began to hit . The long ball became our deadliest weapon . Yoenis Cespedes , who was acquired just minutes before the trade deadline , came to New York on what looked like a mission - a mission to tear the leather off of every baseball that was thrown his way . Boy , oh boy , was that exciting ! Tyler Clippard and Addison Reed added depth to the bullpen - depth we sorely needed . They formed the bridge from our young , but stellar , starting pitchers to our closer , Jeurys Familia - himself a young man with little experience who , stunningly and , yes , surprisingly , emerged as one of the most reliable closers in baseball . Yeah . Hell , yeah ! We battled the Dodgers and the Cubs , teams with the most effective starting pitchers in all of baseball . Nearly unhittable , these guys are . Tell that to Daniel Murphy , our second baseman . He got hot in the playoffs - so hot that he tied a record for post - season home runs , a record which was set by - wait for it - some guy named Babe Ruth . And he hit them off of the most unhittable pitchers in the game . Yeah . Pretty impressive . Alas , The Kansas City Royals were impressive , too . They played their game , capitalized on our weaknesses , waited out our starting pitching , got to the bullpen . This year was their year . That 's okay . Our journey took us farther than we or anyone else expected us to travel this year . It was a long and often strange trip . It was a great time to be a Mets ' fan throughout this pleasantly surprising season . At the end of the day this should be everyone 's goal , shouldn 't it ? To exceed expectations ? To achieve the unthinkable ? To be pleasantly surprised ? Yeah . Who wouldn 't be happy with that ? I would be happy with that . I have set my own goals for this month . I would like to take a page out of the Mets ' book and exceed my own expectations . I decided to take part in National Novel Writing Month . I have no idea if I have a novel in me , but I am going to start writing one - or something else - every day in the month of November . I have set a goal of 1 , 500 words a day . Who knows ? Perhaps , like my Mets , I will surprise not only myself , but everyone else , too . Maybe , just maybe , I will look like this at the end of November : When I think of this season , this is the image that will stick with me . If I become discouraged by my own arduous task , I will close my eyes , summon that moment right there , and remember that obstacles can be overcome . That guy ? That 's David Wright . He 's our third baseman , our captain . He missed most of the season because he was diagnosed with spinal stenosis , which could have ended his career . ( Its onset has ended many a promising baseball career . ) That it will likely shorten his career , that it has already stolen much of his power and agility , saddens me beyond measure . Undoubtedly he , too , is disappointed in the cards he has been dealt . You wouldn 't know it , though . Not only did he NOT give up , he continued to be a credit to the game . AND he went to The World Series . The damn World Series . Yeah . So , what am I worried about ? Typing ? Thinking ? Pshaw ! Copyright © Jacqueline Tierney DeMuro and Ambling & Rambling ( javaj240 . wordpress . com ) , 2011 - 2015 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Jacqueline Tierney DeMuro and Ambling & Rambling with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . ~ Jackson Browne So you 're scared and you 're thinkin ' that maybe we ain 't that young anymore . Show a little faith . There 's magic in the night . You ain 't a beauty , but hey , you 're alright . Here 's what other folks liked ! 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So for the last year or so , I have been blessed by the great Puritan prayers found in the book The Valley of Vision . They are so theologically rich . Since I am so swamped with research and paper writing right now , I want to share with you one of the great prayers that comes at the very beginning of the book . I hope that you are blessed and encouraged by it . . . . The Valley of VisionLord , high and holy , meek and lowly , Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision , where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights ; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory . Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up , that to be low is to be high , that the broken heart is the healed heart , that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit , that the repenting soul is the victorious soul , that to have nothing is to possess all , that to bear the cross is to wear the crown , that to give is to receive , that the valley is the place of vision . Lord , in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells , and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine ; let me find Thy light in my darkness , Thy life in my death , Thy joy in my sorrow , Thy grace in my sin , Thy riches in my poverty , Thy glory in my valley . For the last week ( give or take ) , our good friend Maria has been out visiting us . She and I had the opportunity to go down to Boston and walk the Freedom Trail together . Joshua and I did this the second or third day that we were here with the Lannings , so I already knew what to expect . Little did I know that being in the area for two years , and being steeped in the history of Boston and its surrounding areas would make such a dramatic difference . This trip to the city took on new life , as I was able to appreciate the richness of the history that was all around me . Even visiting the cemetaries was more amazing with a bit of knowledge of gravestone art . Maria and I had an awesome day absorping history and the beauty of the Boston area in the fall . I 've included some of my favorite pictures from the day . Even if you never come out while we are here ( we 're cheap tour guides , after all ) - - I strongly encourage you to come out and experience the richness of the history that you find in Boston . This story proves that you never know what will happen when you head out on a road trip . . . . On Wednesday , Joshua and I headed up to Freeport , Maine with Jon and his fiancee Joy . There are many tales that I could tell from the day . Jon and Joshua planned the whole thing and it was pretty much awesome . They even planned a bountiful feast ( aka picnic lunch ) for us at a gorgeous park on the coast . But this story is the one I want to share ( right now ) because it was seriously amazing . We were driving home , after an exhausting but fantastic day , and all of the sudden we blew a tire . Joshua immediately pulled over to the side of the freeway and the boys got out to assess the damage . They did what every man would do - - jacked up the car , took off the lug nuts , and began to remove the tire to put on the spare . It was really the removing the tire part that caused problems . They kicked , they tugged , they used a nasty tree branch to try to bash it off the axle - - to no avail . So then we do the other smart thing . . . we called AAA . ( a side note : AAA was seriously unhelpful ) Well , as we 're on the phone with AAA , a state trooper rolls up behind us - - lights flashing and all . He was extremely nice and after making sure that we were all okay , he called his dispatch to have a service truck come and help us with the tire . After he left , we were just standing around , eating Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies , and wondering how long it would take for a truck to get to us . Now for the cool part . . . As we were waiting for either AAA or the other service truck to come , we suddenly see the tail lights of a car backing up on the shoulder in front of us . This guy gets out of his car and comes over to where our car is . Jon , being the protective guy , goes over to tell the guy that we 've got everything under control - - two trucks are coming for us . He kind of shrugged and said " I 'm a mechanic . . . want me to see if I can help ? " And so he does . . . he walked over to the car , Joshua and Jon explain what 's going on with the tire , and he takes a look at it . And then he Posted by ( this was also sent as an email to many of you - - this is a reminder to please pray for us ) Hi Friends and Family ~ Some of you may already know ( either from the email update or from Joshua 's blog ) that Joshua is scheduled to have his wisdom teeth removed on this coming Tuesday ( 9 / 26 ) . Over the last months ( years is probably more accurate ) he has experienced discomfort due to the pressure of the impacted teeth , as well as pain simply from the presence of them in his mouth . While we are excited that he will finally be able to have them removed , it is also coming at a hard time for us - - both academically and financially . Joshua will likely miss several classes ( one of them potentially being his very first at Harvard ) because of the recovery time involved in this kind of surgery . He will be dealing with the more nasty side of recovery and probably taking pain medication , all the while trying to keep up with his reading and studies for classes . The surgery is also going to cost considerably more that we had first anticipated . The original quote that the surgeon gave Joshua was almost half of what we are now expected to pay . While neither of us had any illusions that this would be inexpensive , we certainly were not prepared for the burden of the final bill that will be handed to us . Though there is some money in our savings account that can ( and likely will ) be put towards this , we were hoping that would be a nest egg for the ( future ) addition of children to our family . There is the possibility of various credit cards with little to no interest , but we are loathe to add that kind of debt to our lives . All of this to say . . . please be praying for both of us in the following ways : 1 . That the surgery would go well and that Joshua 's recovery time would be swift2 . That Joshua 's teachers would be understanding and gracious , and that he would be able to keep up with his studies and not get too far behind3 . That God would provide financially in a mighty wayThank you all for your love and support in our lives ! Thank you also for your pPosted by * * * these are pictures representing my classes this semester : The English Reformation ( Queen Elizabeth I ) - - the link for this is currently not working ; Puritanism in America ; Jonathan Edwards ; and Introduction to Islam * * * So this week was the first week back at classes for me . I must admit that I was dreading it just a little bit . With so much freedom over the summer ( ie : no classes ) I was worried that I just wouldn 't be able to get back into the groove of school . My fears , I admit , were premature . I 've been doing the student thing for over six years , so it 's not to hard to jump back in . So far , I 've started off with a bang - - I already have one book under my belt and am on track with my reading . I have two of my four paper topics chosen , and some of the books that I will need checked out . I have mapped out my reading requirements , and added all of the critical dates to my calendar . Both my desk at home and the one I use in the library are organized and stocked with resources . What does this all mean ? Well , practically , it means that I may survive this hectic semester without going insane . It also means that after all these years , and now being so close to the end of it all , I might actually know what I 'm doing as a student . Funny thought . . . . I may from time to time share what I 'm learning in my classes , or post brief " did - you - know " comments . . . but overall , I will likely disappear from this blog until the end of the semester . So , keep me in your thoughts and prayers . . . for my sanity , my marriage , my study habits , and for finishing my master 's degree well . May you be blessed by the Lord as you approach those things which He has called you to , and be strengthened by the mercy and grace that He pours out on us all through the Blood of the Lamb . One of the perks of working at CBD is that every once in a while , we have authors , musicians , and other wonderful folks come in to meet the employees and customers . I had the privilege of meeting Karen Kingsbury over the weekend . This woman is a brilliant writer . Seriously though , how many people do you know who can bust out eight novels in one year ! ? ? ! She 's truly gifted . Plus , she completely shattered my paradigm of Christian fiction . I was always a little ( well , okay completely ) snooty when it came to Christian fiction . I thought , " it 's all sappy junk that doesn 't deal with real life issues and just makes Jesus a warm and fuzzy friend . " Don 't we all think that sometimes ? Well , maybe it 's just me . Anyway , my brother 's girlfriend Mandy really likes Karen 's books , and since I think Mandy has a good head on her shoulders and doesn 't just read lightweight stuff , I figured I 'd give KK 's books a try . Was I in for a surprise ! She writes about hard stuff . . . the things that people go through in the real world . . . divorce , unplanned pregnancy , anger , bitterness , etc , etc . . . And in the midst of it all , the Light of the world shines through . I can understand why books like this can be life - changing for people . Anyway , all this to say - - she 's a wonderful writer and a very genuine person . I felt like I have known her for years while we were chatting . Plus , she 's from Washington state . . . which automatically qualifies one as cool . : ) For anyone who is curious about who this woman is and why her books affected me in such a way , check out her website www . karenkingsbury . com . You might even find a picture of me on there ! May the Lord bless you and keep you in His amazing grace ! Well , we had an awesome time at home with my family . I 'm not really sure that I can explain how good it was to be with them . After the whirlwind weekend of my grandfather 's memorial service , it was nice to just hang out with them and not be rushing around everywhere . I know I 've said it already , but I 'll say it again - - I have a fantastic family . I wanted to share a few pictures from our trip . If you want some commentary on the trip , or other more " serious " pictures , check out Joshua 's blog - - he did a stellar job of documenting it . My purpose here is simply to highlight the fact that I am not the only goofy one in my family . : ) ( notice that somehow my parents escaped being captured on film while being silly . . . but they did smile quite nicely upon request ) This is a song that my father has sung at many funerals . And while I sometimes associate it with someone 's death , the words are very powerful and true . Every time I hear or sing it , tears come to my eyes - - not because I usually hear it at a memorial service but because I am reminded of our amazing God , His love , and that He is always bigger than what is going on in my life . So , read and be reminded that God is great . O Lord my God , When I in awesome wonder , Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made ; I see the stars , I hear the rolling thunder , Thy power throughout the universe displayed . Then sings my soul , My Saviour God , to Thee , How great Thou art , How great Thou art . Then sings my soul , My Saviour God , to Thee , How great Thou art , How great Thou art ! When through the woods , and forest glades I wander , And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees . When I look down , from lofty mountain grandeurAnd see the brook , and feel the gentle breeze . Then sings my soul , My Saviour God , to Thee , How great Thou art , How great Thou art . Then sings my soul , My Saviour God , to Thee , How great Thou art , How great Thou art ! And when I think , that God , His Son not sparing ; Sent Him to die , I scarce can take it in ; That on the Cross , my burden gladly bearing , He bled and died to take away my sin . Then sings my soul , My Saviour God , to Thee , How great Thou art , How great Thou art . Then sings my soul , My Saviour God , to Thee , How great Thou art , How great Thou art ! When Christ shall come , with shout of acclamation , And take me home , what joy shall fill my heart . Then I shall bow , in humble adoration , And then proclaim : " My God , how great Thou art ! " Then sings my soul , My Saviour God , to Thee , How great Thou art , How great Thou art . Then sings my soul , My Saviour God , to Thee , How great Thou art , How great Thou art ! Posted by Apparently I don 't have much of the above mentioned characteristic . No , this is not some sarcastic remark . It 's something I have been thinking quite a bit about . This lack comes down to two of my other characteristics , which can sometimes be a blessing and sometimes definitely the opposite . Firstly , I am loyal . This plays out in many different ways - - staying in a job that is physically too hard on my body because I don 't want to let down my boss , letting my anger rise probably too quickly when someone attacks my husband in any way , holding tenaciously to my point of view even when I 'm wrong . These sorts of things generally aren 't the good side of my loyalty . However , if you are a friend you may already know that you can always count on me to stand by your side , no matter what . If you are an employer , you know that I will work hard even to my physical detriment . My other trait ( which is often a flaw ) is that I don 't do well with blunt criticism . This is due to many factors which I cannot ( and should not ) go into here . Let it be said that I know I need slightly thicker skin . This trait of mine gets me in trouble because if someone wounds me with their words , I often react like a hurt animal - - lashing out - - or simply ignoring what has been said . Obviously this is not a good thing , but I recognize it in myself nonetheless . So , you may ask , why am I baring this part of myself to the cyber world ? What reason might I have for sharing all of this with you , who may be friend or total stranger ? Well , if you look at some of my earlier posts , you will see that one has been revised . In this post I was more than insensitive and pointed my finger accusingly when I should have just stayed silent . I have revised that post because I 've done a lot of thinking since I first published it . Much of this thinking is because of my anonymous cyber " brother . " At first , when I read his ( or her , I 'm sorry I don 't know even that ) comment to my post I was quite angry and upset . But the more I 've thought about it , the more I 've realized that he is mPosted by A friend brought this article to my attention . I find the concept very interesting . Yet the book lover in me . . . the one who loves the feel of a book against my hands , and the smell of new pages . . . is a bit worried about what this might mean for the publishing industry as a whole . Granted , there are things that scare me more , like iBooks for your iPod . Read on to discover what may become the newest trend in the world of books . . . Publishing : But Can It Make Julienne Fries ? Newsweek July 31 , 2006 issue - Imagine if there were a magic machine that could print entire books in mere minutes . You could go to a bookstore or coffee shop , choose a book online from millions of digital titles and then - poof ! - out would come a fully bound book . You could get rare and out - of - print titles , in any language , and for less because the inventory isn 't stored on site . That machine exists - it 's called the Espresso Book Machine - and it 's currently being tested at the World Bank bookstore in Washington , D . C . ( The New York Public Library and the Bibliotheca Alexandrina , in Egypt , are each getting one in the fall . ) Former Random House editorial director Jason Epstein , a legend in the industry , and former Dean & DeLuca CEO Dane Neller are backing the venture . " We 're on the verge of something really powerful here , " says Epstein . The current model of the machine can print the text for a 300 - page book , with a color paperback cover - and bind it - in just three minutes and for only a penny per page . It will retail for less than $ 100 , 000 . If publishers digitize their catalogs and booksellers get onboard ( big ifs ) , the machine could revolutionize the current warehouse - distribution model . " I think that this may , indeed , someday come to fruition , " says Jane Friedman , CEO of HarperCollins . " But there 's a lot that still has to be worked out . " - Elise Soukup URL : http : / / www . msnbc . msn . com / id / 13989046 / site / newsweek / Posted by My grandfather died on Sunday night . He was 85 . I haven 't really seen him since last May ( 2005 ) when we were home visiting . I suppose you could count going to the nursing home with my parents , but he was asleep . Even if he had been awake there 's no way to know if he would have even known who I was . The funny thing about losing someone , especially when you 're far away , is that it shakes you up a little more . You weren 't there , and you feel like maybe you should have been . You never really got to say goodbye and it makes you feel like you got the raw deal - - or maybe that the person wondered why they hadn 't seen you lately . It 's a completely different experience than being home close to where everything is happening . Almost like it 's a bigger deal because you have to depart so drastically from your daily schedule to go home to be at the funeral . The thing is . . . I haven 't cried yet about this either . While I 'm not sure how aware he was the last few years , since the dementia had gotten so bad , I know that my Grandpa was a believer . And the last six months he 's been suffering a lot because of all of his physical and mental illnesses . My prayer since the day he fell and broke his hip was for God to heal him or bring him home . I 'm not happy that he 's gone , but I rejoice in knowing that he is no longer suffering . There is comfort for those who are in Christ . We no longer live in fear of death , but look forward with anticipation to the resurrection of the body . Death does not have the final say . Christ 's death and resurrection are for us a foreshadowing of what is to come in our own lives . Every person , believer or otherwise , will die one day . No one escapes that . But for those who place their hope in the Lord , death is passing from this into new life . It is passing from brokenness into glory . It is passing from a life that is fleeting into life everlasting . I am NOT a city girl . I 've always told people that I 'm more of a suburb / country girl than a city girl . I like open space , pretty landscapes , quiet , and clean air . I dislike not being able to see more than a square foot of sky when you are outside . Generally , I find tall building and skyscrapers to be ugly monstrosities , as opposed to beautiful architecture . I do not like taking my life in my hands any time I want to cross a street . Dodging puddles on the ground filled with who knows what makes me more than nervous . The thing that I realized most clearly yesterday , when Joshua and I went down to Harvard to register for a class , is that I do not like having such a large number of people so close to me . Don 't get me wrong , I am definitely not claustrophobic . But there 's something about personal space that isn 't being invaded that appeals to me . Instead of it being this wonderful adventure , it felt like stress in the form of a city . I can 't even describe how wonderful it was to walk through our door into peace and quiet . Even being on the T ( Boston 's subway ) was better than being outside on the streets because it was less crowded - - since it was the middle of the day - - and ( sort of ) cleaner . Not that Boston is dirty , don 't get me wrong . All of this to say , the Dixie Chicks ' song " Wide Open Spaces " has been running through my head for the last 24 hours . The idea of a small town is alright with me . . . everything close together so you can just walk instead of driving your car . But a big city turns me off . I do want to be close enough so that I can have the opportunity to go see musicals , operas , symphonies , etc . But when it comes down to day in and day out - - well , there 's nothing like a few acres and a lot of grass to make me smile . Today I went on a quest to find a new and exciting template for my blog . I thought it would be nice to have something that reflected my thoughts and personality a little more than the standard options . All in all , I probably spent at least and hour or two searching for something that would be just right ( like Goldilocks and the porridge ) . I found a few that would have been great , except for the fact that there was no way to download ( or upload ) them at all . There were others that were beautiful , but there were 800 steps you had to do before you could make your blog look like the sample . After all my searching ( and even trying out a few of the standards ) I ended up with the same template I started with . I guess sometimes you should just stick with what works . So , every year for as long as I can remember ( and probably longer than that ) , my dad 's side of the family has gotten together at Battleground Lake State Park . It 's a family tradition that I absolutely love . We all settle into our camp sites , go out for pizza , swim as much as possible in the lake , play pinochle until we can 't hold cards any longer , eat good food , and have an all around good time . Since Joshua and I moved out to the East Coast we haven 't been able to go . This is mostly due to the fact that it is more practical for us to return to Seattle during May than any other time of year . Because we can only afford to come out once , I was really bummed this year when I found out that my brother and his girlfriend are going to be there . We were talking one night and Alex ( my bro ) asked if we were going to come out . I told him we couldn 't afford it ( in so many words ) and he apparently decided that was unacceptable . Somehow between my brother 's desire for us to come out ( did I mention that I adore my brother ) , and my parent 's desire for him to save the money he earns this summer , a plan was worked out . Unbeknownst to me , my parents decided to fly us out for a week in August so that we can come to Battleground . I almost jumped out of my chair when I heard this . Seriously , I was that excited . And it seems that other family members are stoked that we are coming out . . . My greataunt Dorothy sent my dad a check - - a contribution to the " bring Joshua and Sarah home " fund . Awesome . So really all I have to say is that my family is amazing . It 's been really hard to be so far away from them , especially since we can only make it home once a year . This is a huge blessing , answer to prayer , some would say miracle . We are looking forward to being with family and getting to camp in the beauty of the Pacific Northwest . Did I already mention that my family is awesome ? Because . . . they really are . May you experience the joy of loving and being loved by those you treasure the most . * revised * There are certain things that bother most people . Bugs such as bees , spiders , and mosquitoes usually are not high on lists of favorite things . Screaming babies on long airplane flights . . . you get the picture . True , not everyone agrees on what is annoying . For example , whistling makes me crazy . It doesn 't matter if you are the world 's best whistler with perfect pitch , for some reason whistling is for me what nails on a blackboard is for other folks . It takes everything in me to not smack someone upside the head and scream " stop making that awful noise ! ! ! " Of course , if I were to ever do that , someone might have me taken to a mental institution . After all , it 's not normal to scream at people who are happily whistling . I 'm sure that everyone can relate , since there is no one in the world who doesn 't have at least one thing that gets under their skin . . . just a little . I am also sure that the Lord is stretching me in this particular annoyance . Perhaps more accurately , He is continuing to teach me patience . Generally speaking I am patient . . . but specifically I 'm learning how to be patient with people and things that would otherwise make me crazy - - whistlers , people who drive two miles under the speed limit , older folks who call me dearie and miss , you get the picture . I am learning that even though I don 't often realize it , I am selfish and self - centered more often than I would like to admit . So when I say that the Lord is teaching me patience , I really mean that He is teaching me to die to myself and learn to experience and give to others the Love and Grace He has already given to me . May you have patience for those things that bother you and otherwise make you crazy , and the courage to let God take you out of your self and mold you into His image . Posted by I am definitely not one to look at happenings in the world around me and declare that the end of the world is at hand . Many people see the end of the world in the serious weather happenings ( Asian tsunamis , devastating hurricanes in the southern US , earthquakes in the Middle East , etc ) as signs that the End is near . I try not to get caught up in that , since Jesus said that even He did not know the day or the hour . However , when things like severe thunderstorm warnings are issued for the area in which I live - - with tornado warnings about half an hour north of us - - I do sometimes wonder . Yes , you did read that correctly . . . there was a tornado warning in southern NH earlier today . That almost never happens here in New England . Even now as I sit here typing , there is a ridiculous amount of crashing thunder and pouring rain outside of my window . People always say to me , " You 're from Seattle , you must be used to rain like this . " Well , let me tell you , people , it does NOT rain like this in Seattle . Back home I use a rain coat ( sometimes ) , and don 't mind if I 'm wearing long pants that touch the ground . Unless you 're walking a long distance , you usually don 't get too wet . I didn 't even own an umbrella for the last few years that I was in WA . Here . . . well , rain is completely different . I make sure that I always know where my umbrella is . When going outside , I zip up my raincoat , hike up my pant legs , and run as quickly as possible to my destination . Despite these measures , I 'm often soaking wet after running even the shortest distance . Yuck . All this to say . . . I 'm still not sure that I like the weather out here . Mostly I pine for the beauty and mildness of the PNW . Oh home . . . And to think , in less than a month I will be camping in the beauty of it all . Hooray ! Let 's just pray that the tornados and whatnot really aren 't the signal of the end times . . . otherwise no camping for me . May you all know the beauty of the Pacific NW , and stay dry even when the thunder rolls outside your window .

This morning when I awakened , I embraced the fact that this was the day the Lord had made and I would rejoice in it . I was grateful to be in the 2nd service and be with our wonderful church family . Leta , I wore the hat you sent me . Imagine this . . . . . . . . . . . I had the PERFECT jacket to wear with the leopard trim hat ! After service we came home to a wonderfully prepared meal , of which I was able to eat ! PTL ! This afternoon Gary and I walked a mile ( before it got so windy ! ) . When we returned home , we had our glorious Sunday afternoon nap : ) This morning in service , I shared with the congregation one of the nuggets , the Lord spoke to my heart during Radiation last week : Your neediness , when responded to properly , is a link into the Presence of God . As Gary and I went to bed last evening , we had a need . I desperately wanted to be well enough to attend church . We prayed . We slept well and was able to enjoy our Day of Worship ! Enjoyed having Meg and Neely stop by this evening ! They also showed Grammy how to do the Elliptical . They make it look so EASY ! ! ( NOT ! ! ! ) I love this picture of Gary . What a beautiful day ! It was a beautiful Sunny Saturday . I haven 't been too perky today , but that didn 't diminish the fact that it was a beautiful day . This afternoon , Gary and I took a stroll out to the bench . I donned the new hat that my girlfriend , Virginia , brought by to me this morning ( I think Gary was trying to get a picture of the " bling " butterfly on top of the hat : ) We sat in the sun , while Gary told me all about the Ceremonies he had attended . I was so sorry I wasn 't able to attend these special occasions , but I enjoyed having him tell me all about them . The first event of the morning was to honor our friend Dr . Kurtis Koll , at the Cameron Aggie Family and Friends Awards Lunch where Dr . Koll was inducted into the Cameron University Faculty Hall of Fame . Congratulations Dr . Koll ! The next event was a Wedding Vow Renewal Ceremony for John and Marline Fotuaika . Gary said it was one of the sweetest ceremonies he has had the privilege of being a part of . Afterwards they hosted a Luau to celebrate with family and friends . Visiting with the family Gary found out that they were from Tonga . They were part of the church when Dwain and Jeanne Jones were missionaries in Tonga . You can imagine their surprise when they found out that we are very good friends with the Jones Family . WHAT A SMALL WORLD ! ! We couldn 't wait to call Dwain and Jeanne and tell them about meeting this AWESOME family ! Thank you all for the cards , texts , messages on FaceBook , e - mails , and meals that I have received . Every spoken , and written word has been so much encouragement , and although I may not be able to respond to each one individually , please know that my heart is full of love and gratitude for you . As Gary and I went to bed , although I had struggled throughout the day , we prayed that God would renew my strength for Sunday . GOD IS FAITHFUL ! My sister , Fara , is a realtor in Colorado . She told me that one of the agents in her office wanted to send me a couple of hats that she had worn . She is a cancer survivor . So today , when Gary checked the mail , he brought a package in . As I opened it , I knew that this gal was definitely a GIRLFRIEND ! One of the hats was black and had leopard trim and the other one was covered in BLING ! ! Well , you know me , I had to wear the BLING hat right away : ) Her note to me was a precious reminder that in God 's Family we are all " sisters in the Lord " . Though I have never met this wonderful new Girlfriend , I was embraced by her love . Thank you sweet Leta . I am at Julio 's getting ready to eat lunch . Love the hat , Leta ! I woke up Thankful that it was Friday ! My devotion reminded me that a grateful heart protects you from negative thinking . I determined I would go into treatment GRATEFUL . I have so much to be grateful for . I am grateful for my precious husband . As I leave to go into Radiation , he sits in the waiting room , reading scripture and praying for me . I had an experience this morning during my Radiation Treatment that I will never forget . As I listened to the song " Deeper " on the PlanetShakers CD , I felt God 's presence . He lifted me up and cradled me in His arms . His amazing peace surrounded me . As we left the Cancer Center , I told Gary about the experience . I could still feel the presence of God . After I had shared with Gary , I picked up my phone and there was a text from a young man , whom I have never received a text from . The text read , " This is Carey Leighow , my prayer for you now is ; Father , I pray you would allow Debbie to lay in your arms and you would nourish her body , mind and soul to make it through the test and trials the enemy has set before her " The peace that washed over the both of us , driving down Gore Blvd . , was the unmistakable assurance that God had allowed me to lay in His arms and I was nourished . I went home to rest for a while and at lunch , I was able to go to one of our favorite restaurants Julio 's and have an enchilada with white cheese sauce ! ! PTL ! If you would like to listen to the song I referred to , follow this link : http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = rHAW9YfU8r8 This morning after I finished radiation I felt good so we stopped by the office for a few minutes . Left to right : Tashia , Debbie ( sporting my new hat that Pastor Lacey and Paula bought me ) Cindy ( my daughter ) and Danyel ! The Pastoral Staff along with other Team Leaders of LFA , went to Gateway for the Connect Pastor 's Conference . We always look forward to this conference , but this year we were unable to go . They were so thoughtful and brought great CD 's , DVD 's and this snappy hat that I could not wait to wear : ) The gals went to Charmin ' Charlies ! I LOVE THAT PLACE ! ! It has more bling in one place than should be legal ! ! It is such a fun place to shop ! They took a picture for me though and let me know they missed me . Thank you staff for your thoughtfulness ! You are LOVED ! Today I have been very tired . After I got home , around 11 : 00 I rested for a while . Gary had appointments at the office , so I called my neighbor Renee and ask her if she would walk a mile with me . It took us a little longer and a couple of rests along the way , but we made it . Thank you Renee for joining me in a leisurely stroll : ) It was a beautiful day and by this evening , I felt like catching up on my blog . This afternoon these beautiful yellow roses were delivered to me . Someone knows how much I love yellow roses . They were sent with a note of encouragement that spoke to my heart . Thank you ! My darlin ' is trying to put some weight on me . ( I lost 3 lbs ) so he took me to Braums and got me a butterfinger mix ! That 's a good end to the day ! 2nd Round of Chemo went ok . Gary wasn 't feeling well , so as soon as they got my IV started , I talked him into going to the Doctors office . His eyes had almost swollen shut . So he went and once the nurse took a look at him , she said he had to stay and see the doctor . Thankfully , they were able to get him in immediately . He got some meds and headed back down to sit with me . So , when you pray , remember Gary also ! I 'm so grateful for a husband that is so tender and loving towards me . Even when He didn 't feel well , he was doing everything to make me comfortable and smiling . I love him . The blanket was brought to me by my girlfriend , Wanda Gipson . It has green frogs all over it . She said that it stands for Fully Relying On God . That I AM doing ! Two down ! Thank you for your continued prayers on my behalf ! ! I go in every Wednesday for Radiation , Lab , Dr . Visit , then Chemo . The day starts around 8 : 15 and ends around 3 : 00 . I have been pretty wiped out by the time I get home . It takes a few hours before I get my legs under me : ) I 'm so blessed to have a Pastoral Staff and Support Staff that is wonderful , compassionate and supportive . Linda Barnes is sitting with me while Gary preaches on Wednesday night . That is a highlight of his week . He loves preaching to the awesome congregation of LFA ! The time with Linda has been refreshing to my spirit as she cares , shares and prays for me . I 'm so abundantly blessed and I am so very grateful ! On Tuesday , they allowed Gary to come into the Treatment room . Here are two of the wonderful ladies that take care of me . They are very kind , always with a smile ! They have always put me at ease and allowed me to prepare in my own time . Ashley is getting me situated on the tableI 'm placing my lollipop in my mouth . That 's a little more appealing name for the block I have in my mouth during the treatmentThe mask is being securedLining up the laser beamsPreparing to administer the radiation treatmentOnce this is in place they leave the room and go into the control centerThis is the control center where they can hear me and watch me . Ashley was explaining the radiation process to GaryAt the beginning of this treatment process I was extremely tense . Each day that I have gone in , Gary has been in a private waiting room for the radiation patient 's family . There he reads scripture and prays over me while I am in the treatment . I know that so many of you have been praying for me every day at 9 : 45 - I have felt the prayers . After the first day , I was sharing with my daddy how intense it was for me . He said , " Baby , this morning as I was praying for you , the Lord reminded me of a song and I began singing it over you . So tomorrow when you go in , you just remember this song and you will be comforted . " The song was : Shut In With God in a Secret place , there in His presence beholding His face , finding the courage to run this life 's race , Oh how I love to be Shut In With God . " So the next morning , as I went in I began thinking about the words to the song , knowing that Gary had chosen scripture for Peace , and I wasn 't tense . I 'm finding that as I am SHUT IN WITH GOD , He is speaking . Posted by After a very full and wonderful day spent with my Girlfriend Christie , Gary picked me up and took me to Johnna and Joe 's house so we could change for the Banquet that evening . I got some rest then we went to the Petroleum Club in Edmond to meet with the 2011 Ordination Candidates and the Oklahoma District Officials . The Banquet was very elegant , the food was delicious and being with the wonderful men and women that will be Ordained and hearing their stories was y priceless . For those of you that have followed our 27 years in the ministry , you know that we never thought that we would see this day happen in our lifetime . We have served Assembly of God churches faithfully over these years , without being credentialed by the Assemblies of God . Our love and loyalty has always been with this wonderful denomination . However , in the providence of God 's time and His will for our lives , we are now going to be Ordained with the Assemblies of God , on April 26 , 2011 . We are so grateful and look forward to what God has in store for us . This process all began several years ago . God knew that I would be in this battle when He appointed the time of Ordination . I am asking that all of you , friends and family , agree with me , that I will be able to attend my Ordination , with strength and health ! In JESUS NAME ! Day 6 started out with my girlfriend , Christie picking me up at 9 : 15 . First stop was radiation . As I went in for Radiation , Christie sat in the waiting room , reading scripture over me . I felt God 's peace . When I came out Jessica , Christie 's daughter was sitting with her . She gave me a card that I have to share with you . IT MADE ME LAUGH ! Thank you Jessica ! ! ! We had a couple of errands to run in town and then we headed to OKC to look for a wig . Several years ago , when Christie 's daughter , Regan needed a wig temporarily , she had met a wonderful , caring lady named Ann Patton . Her salon is called " The Egyptian Salon " Here is a link you can go to : http : / / www . theegyptiansalon . com / index . htmlWe arrived in OKC in time to have lunch at Chick - Fil - A . A grilled chicken salad w / fruit sounded really good ! ( my norm at Chick - Fil - A is the chicken strips , fries , lots of sauce and a coke ) But my tastes are changing and some things don 't sound good to me , so when I find something that sounds good , I EAT IT . The other night , I wanted a cheeseburger and the next night I wanted tacos . Christie said she thought I was going to lick the plate clean : ) I ate every bite of the salad . After lunch , we went for our appointment with Ann . I at no moment felt awckward , or sad . I was little anxious , because you start talking about what brought you to the salon in the first place , but they put me at ease immediately . After all I was with my girlfriend and in the company of new girlfriends , so I began trying on wigs . The first few , I wasn 't crazy about , but when they put the one on that I got , it felt comfortable . I tried on some turbans and scarfs also . Towards the end of our time , decision made , Gary showed up because we had a banquet to attend in the evening . When he saw the wig on me , he liked it , so the decision was final . So , my take away from that shopping experience : there are advantages of losing your hair , and seriously , if I have a " bald head " day , I will have a beautiful wig to put on it ! I needed a short wig , because I can 't have it on my necPosted by This morning started out pretty rough . When Gary left for church , I didn 't know if I would be able to make it . By about 9 : 45 I had decided I wasn 't going to be able to get it together enough to go , but I kept saying " I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength . " I finally got dressed and headed to church . The first person I saw when I walked into the church , was our precious friend , Kyong . Recently Kyong lost her husband , one of our deacons , Carl . Several months before Carl passed away , Kyong had some physical challenges of her own and she had not been able to drive for quite a while . After we greeted one another , we walked into the Fellowship Hall , and I looked around for her son , who has been driving her to church since Carl 's passing . I didn 't see him . I said , " Kyong , is David here ? " She said , " no " . Then I said , " So how did you get here ? " and she said " I drove myself ! " She proceeded to tell me that she had heard Jentzen Franklin 's message this morning on TV , and she said " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me . " and then she said , " NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW ! " I wrapped my arms around her and agreed with her ! I was so grateful that I had made it to church , Kyong brought so much joy to my heart ! I love her ! As I stood in the worship service , they began singing this song , " Through You , I can do anything , I can do all things , ' Cause it 's you who gives me strengthNothing is impossible " I wept , thanking God for reassuring me of His promise to me ! After leaving the service this morning , I stopped by my office , and there was a card slipped under my door . I could not believe my eyes when I began to read the card , NOTHING that comes your way is too much for you . No matter what it is , GOD IS MORE THAN EQUAL TO IT - - you 're not , bt He is and He lives in you ! With the Lord by your side and love all around you , there 's NOTHING you can 't get through . I can do everything through Him who gives me strength , Philippians 4 : 13The card was not signed . I do not know who left it for me , butGod sealed His promise Posted by NEELY BUG ' S Birthday Party was this afternoon . It is hard to believe she is actually 6 years old . Jason 's family came from Chickasha . It is always nice to see all of them . Cindy made red velvet cupcakes ; everyone said they were YUMMY ! Kids played in the playscape ; Enjoyed a nice visit with everyone . All in all , it has been a good day ! It was a beautiful morning . Mama and I decided to take a stroll out to the bench ( that 's where we solve ALL of the world 's problems , you know ) Maybe some of your ears were burning , because we talked about many of you : ) This morning , carrots sounded good . So I took a bag of carrots and munched on them while we enjoyed our Bench Time . I 'm so grateful for Mama . She carries a lot of burdens , but she never seizes to amaze me with how she can bring encouragement to everyone she meets . I have enjoyed my bench time today ! They did it again ! Gary and Ron have done this before ! ! They show up to go play Golf and they have the same golfing attire on ! TOO FUNNY ! I 'm so glad Gary is able to get out today and play a round of golf . Golf is definitely a stress reliever for him , and the last few days have been a little bit on the stressful side . It is a beautiful day , I 'm feeling good today , and it is a GREAT golf day for the guys to get out . I 'm going to rest for a while , then who knows , I might do laundry ! We are ready to go for our walk . My goal is to walk 1 mile a day . I wasn 't up to doing a mile yesterday . I did make it out to my bench and back , but this morning I feel like walking . We have an amazing place to walk in our neighborhood . It was a little windy , but if felt good to get out in the beautiful sunshine . Ok , so I am sitting on the couch now , a bit tired , but very grateful ! I walked a mile ! Good Morning ! Yes , it is a good morning . I slept all night , in fact I woke up at 7 : 45 ! ! Wonderful ! When I checked my phone this morning , I had received a text from a girlfriend that said she had been up at 3 : 00 A . M . praying for me . I sent her a message back , thanking her for taking the " night shift " , because I slept through the night , for the first time in a while . God is so faithful ! Thankful for everyone that is praying on my behalf . I 'm very humbled by your love , prayer and support . YOU ARE LOVED ! ! ! So , when I DID get up , I went in to my " morning happy place " to spend some time with JESUS ! So thankful for the rest and the beautiful morning . Day 3 , I feel stronger . I think I will go for a walk in a bit . HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE ! ! Yesterday was a pretty intense day . I didn 't know what to expect ! Thankfully , I did well . So , on Day 2 , I 'm ready to go for a radiation treatment . Yes , I have a hat on . No , I haven 't lost my hair , it was just a BAD hair day : ) I am receiving my treatments at the Leah M . Fitch , Cancer Center in Lawton . They told me today that I will not have to come in tomorrow as they will be having maintenance done on the radiation equipment . So , I get a THREE DAY weekend ! ! On August 3 , 2009 - we found out that Gary had Prostate Cancer . After much Prayer and research , Gary decided to have the Robotic Prostate Surgery in Oklahoma City at Mercy Hospital , on October 14 , 2009 . His recovery has been very successful . The first year after prostate surgery , a blood test is taken every three months . On Oct . 8 , 2010 , the Friday before leaving for Israel , we received the good news that Gary was declared 1 year cancer free . Just before his surgery on October 14 , 2009 , Ron and Christie Woodson invited us to go on a trip to Israel . We made plans to go believing that Gary would be cancer free and that we would celebrate in the Holy Land . Little did we know that almost exactly 2 months after Gary 's report of 1 year cancer free , we would get the report that I had cancer . WHAT A SHOCK . Day 1 of Treatment - After we were settled in and my IV was started , Gary went to get a Dr . Pepper . When he returned , he sat down and said that he was going to go ahead and start his treatment also . He made me laugh so hard , I cried . I LOVE THIS MAN ! A couple of days before I started treatment , we were at the hospital getting some of my prescriptions filled , Gary decided to get his PSA checked ( with all that had been going on with me , he was late in having the 3 month PSA check ) Just before they started the IV of Chemo for me , Gary went to his doctors office and returned with the GREAT NEWS ! ! His PSA was 0 ! ! PRAISE THE LORD ! He is now on 6 month check - ups . We are so thankful for God 's continued faithfulness and for restoring Gary 's health . Now , he will walk with me through the valley . One thing I know , there will be tears along the way , but Gary will be there to help me laugh ! I LOVE THIS MAN ! Preparing to leave for my first radiation and chemotherapy treatment . I will be doing 5 days a week of radiation and chemotherapy every Wednesday . I made a shake of 4 scoops of ice cream , 1 banana , and Strawberry Ensure . Thanks to my daughter - in - love , she forgot her blender bottle and it is perfect for my " on the go shakes ! ! " I had my radiation treatment first . That was a little intense . In a later post I will talk about the radiation . Here , I have my IV going . There are several meds that are given before I got the chemo . Thankfully , I received 2 different kinds of anti - nausea medicine . I 'm grateful for that ! When I chose the blanket to take with me , I decided on the West Point blanket . It was representative to me , that if my son , Matt had the courage to go fight a war , I could have the courage to fight this battle ! Thank you Matt and Lisa for your service to our country ! A very precious friend , Melody , brought this FAITH BLOCK to me . She is a cancer VICTOR ! ! We are not VICTIMS , WE ARE VICTORS ! ! She was a sweet encouragement to me . All through the day I continually received messages from friends and family , either by text , facebook or phone calls . ( I even got a video from Lisa , but I promised I wouldn 't post it ) It did make me laugh . Gary and I was scheduled to leave on vacation to Israel , with our dear friends , Ron and Christie Woodson on October 12 , 2010 . Our trip had been scheduled in faith , believing that we would celebrate 1 year cancer free for Gary . A few days prior to leaving I noticed a swollen gland . Before leaving on our trip I checked with my doctor to see if I should get some medication before leaving . My doctor said that if the gland was still swollen when we returned , I should come back in and have further examination of it . We were in Israel for 2 1 / 2 weeks , so when we returned , I made an appointment with the doctor . It was her recommendation that I see a surgeon . It was determined I needed to have the mass removed and biopsied . On December14 , I had neck surgery removing the mass . On December 16 I received a call that no one ever thinks they will get , " Mrs . Pratt the mass removed is cancerous . " Because the mass was located in the neck , I was sent to an Ear , Nose and Throat Specialist . After examination and scopes , the doctor ordered a full body PT / CT Scan which was scheduled the Monday following Christmas , Dec . 27 . Everyone that knows me , knows that I LOVE CHRISTMAS ! ! Knowing I would be having surgery on December 14 , I wanted to make sure all of my Christmas decorations were up and my shopping was done . I determined that this news would not destroy our family Christmas . AND IT DID NOT ! Although it was something that we discussed , we determined it would not dictate the FAMILY CHRISTMAS we were accustomed to . After the PT / CT Scan was done , the results showed a tumor in my right tonsil . So on January 4 , I had my right tonsil removed . After being released from the Ear , Nose and Throat doctor to see an Oncologist , we began the journey of a treatment plan . That is where I am today . I would like to share candidly , as the days unfold . My life scripture is Prov . 3 : 5 & 6 . I have raised my children praying this scripture over them . " Trust in the Lord with all of your heart , lean not to your own understanding , but in all of your ways , acknowledPosted by Grammy and Papa picked Neely up from school on her birthday . When we ask her where she wanted to go she said " Braums of course , that 's where we went for my 5th Birthday ! " She ordered chocolate ice cream topped with oreos and m & m 's . This picture was captured before the chocolate got " all over " the face : ) Love this baby girl ! Posted by Thank you for visiting Pratt Family Blog . On December 16 , 2010 , I began a journey I did not plan to take . I was diagnosed with cancer . I had not been sick , had no symptons , except a swollen gland . I am grateful that cancer was found ! I 'm not grateful for the cancer - but I am grateful that what was hidden was revealed . Darkness was brought to light . The many wonderful prayer warriors that I am so blessed to have in my life , began to PRAY and continue to pray on my behalf . I am so grateful ! ! I 'm taking this opportunity in the form of this blog to share with you how my faith , family and the many friends are helping me be a VICTOR and not a VICTIM . So , I take this opportunity to say thank you for walking with me through this season of my life

( no subject ) bizlittlemommaOctober 6th , 2010Day 15 - Your dreams , in great detailI 'm guessing this would be referring to my goals , my aspirations etc . I guess I could share a few things on my bucket list . I may never get to do all of these things but it gives me something to work towards . . . I would love to be able to go to a different country . One that is in greater need then most . I would love to be able to reach out and help people less fortunate than myself . I feel so fortunate to have what I do and it would feel even better to give people even a fraction of what I have . I would love to go to school and become a nurse . I know that it is a rough profession . I know the long tireless hours that it requires . But I also know the feeling I would have from helping people . And that to me is worth every bit of the effort . I would like to take my children on a wonderful family vacation . Somewhere really fun . Unforgettable . I would absolutely love to live in the same town as all of our family . Both my side and Brian 's side . I wish to live a long and happy life . Enjoy my husband and my kids . And that honestly is all I can ask for . Day 16 - Your first kiss , in great detailWow , definitely having a hard time with this one . I remember two but can 't remember which one happened first . I led a very sheltered life . Dad didn 't like the thought of his little girl growing up too fast I guess . So I wasn 't allowed to date until the age of 16 . But like most little girls , I liked boys . And found myself a few times in innocent situations as a young girl . One was with a boy that I had a crush on I think around the age of 12 . We hung around together at the playground one summer . His name was Josh . We liked to climb a tree behind one of the churches on the base we lived on . While we were climbing one day he leaned over and gave me a quick innocent little peck on the lips . I was surprised by it and didn 't know what to say . I don 't know if he was embarassed but he jumped down out of the tree immediately and ran off . I think this was my veryLeave a commentShare Stuff about stuff - Days 7 , 8 & 9bizlittlemommaSeptember 15th , 2010Wow , I 'm far behind . I guess I try to get caught up while I have the opportunity . Day 07 - Your best friend , in great detail - Well , I 've had a lot of different best friends over my lifetime . Lot 's in high school . Loads in grade school . Not so many right after high school or when I had Joshua . I feel like I lost the ability somehow to make friends . I had to relearn how . So when we moved to New Brunswick I went back to work at a movie store and met a very vibrant lady who was around my age . We probably weren 't the two you would automatically put together . I was pretty quiet and very reserved and she was outspoken and well . . . typical of a french person . Colorful . : P And I 'm sure she would admit to this very description and be very proud of it . We got to know each other through work but continued it outside of work . She was a great support for me and a lot of fun to be around . She taught me to think outside my own box and to have a little fun once in a while and I think I taught her some things , but you 'd have to ask her that . : ) Even though we had to move away from there we still keep in touch and are still great friends at a distance . When we moved here , it was hard . I had just had my second baby . I made a promise to myself that I would get out and meet people so that I wouldn 't isolate myself as I had with Joshua . So out I went . To breastfeeding support group , to hockey with Joshua . Still nobody I could relate to . This town was so hard to make friends in . People already seem to have friends and nobody these days bothers visiting the way our parents always did . Relationships don 't feel the same as they once did . So I ended up a little isolated and got a little down . Then I went to work at Wal - Mart . I wasn 't expecting a lot . I thought most of the people that worked there were young and in a different world than myself . But it was a way for me to get out . So I tried . I met a few people , and through those people I met my friend Marlene . She came to my1 commentLeave a commentShare Stuff about stuff - Day 5bizlittlemommaSeptember 11th , 2010My definition of Love . . . This is going to be a hard one to really put into words . I don 't really believe that love can be described in a definitive manner . It can happen anywhere , any time , unexpected or not . I knew before I had them that I was going to love my children with every fiber of my being . And with every day that I spend with them that bond grows and I know that I couldn 't picture my life without them . They are each a part of me in their own special way . And it pains me to see them hurting , and I rejoice in their successes . I guess expected is the wrong way to describe it . Natural may be a better word to use . Same for the love I have for my parents and brothers and sisters . That 's just the way it has always been and always will be . A natural occurrence . Although unnatural isn 't exactly the way I would describe the love for my husband . We sort of found each other and sort of found out how much we fit over time . The longer I am with him , the more I fall in love with him . We learn things from each other and grow just by being with each other . But it is very hard to define it . I can 't tell you what I mean to him , that 's for him to define . But he makes me feel like I could go out and make the impossible happen if I really put mind to it . He makes me feel like a good person and a good mother . I trust him with everything that I have . It 's not a perfect thing . But I don 't believe that anything is . We make mistakes . We hurt each other once in a while . We make up . ( I like making up . ) He can still kiss me and make toes curl ( as my mother puts it . ) You know that corny saying from Jerry McGuire ? " You complete me . . . " Well I don 't really think I need anyone to complete me , because I am a whole person . But I do think my husband compliments me . He brings out the good in me and I hope I do him . At the same time , I am learning to love myself . It 's a hard thing to get to know oneself . But very slowly I am learning . And all the while I am trying to continue to love ev1 commentLeave a commentShare Stuff about stuff - Day 3bizlittlemommaSeptember 9th , 2010My parents in great detail . Well , I 'll start with my Dad , whom I love dearly and who has been the sole person in my life from the very beginning . ( Barring the time he traveled when he was in the military . ) He was born in Sydney , NS . He grew up with five brothers and sisters all of whom he is fairly close to . He loved to impersonate Elvis and sing . He was in Cadets growing up just like I was . He met my biological mother at the age of 18 , joined the military and got married after which my sister Jeanette was born followed two years apart by myself and my brother Jonathan . When I was about 5 years old for reasons , we the children cannot explain , the two divorced and my brother and I went with my father to Greenwood , NS to start our new life there . I know that there has always been a hole in my Dad 's heart for the daughter that he had to leave behind . For years he always sang " Ballerina Girl " by Lionel Richie . For years I thought he was singing about me but later came to find out that that song always reminded him of Jeanette . I wasn 't offended . I know that he loves me with every fiber of his being . I get a lot of my personality from my dad . The way he likes to joke away tough situations ( as much as that drives my husband nuts . ) It always drove me crazy growing up too . You 'd be frustrated or angry about something and he would crack a joke . Or be silly . Life has had it 's ups and downs , for me as an individual and for my family . But he has always been there for me and I know he always will . The day he walked me down the aisle he told my husband to be to " Take good care of my daughter . . . or I 'll have to take you fishing . " For those people who don 't realize , that 's code for " If you every hurt her you 'll find yourself at the bottom of the lake in cement boots . " And that sort of sums up my Dad . My Dad met my mom after we moved back to NS . She was his best friend from high school and was living in Sydney with her daughter Amanda who was one year younger than me . I rem1 commentLeave a commentShare Well , I just HAD to answer this question . : ) My dream home would be self cleaning . Quite simply . The laundry would wash , dry and fold itself , the kitchen would clean itself every time I cooked in there . My bed would make itself and the bathroom , OH the bathroom I would have . My toilet would even clean my buttocks for me . No toys left all over the floor because they would magically put themselves back on the shelves . Dust would be non - existent . My dream home would be so good at cleaning , it would even suck all of the CO2 out of the air to clean that up as well . With a beautiful indoor wave pool , sauna and whirlpool . It wouldn 't hurt to throw in a muscle bound pool man with a hidden talent for massage . : PIf my dream came true and my house did all of that , think of all the time I would have to spend doing all of the things I want to do . Like break out the boardgames with my kids , help them with their homework , take them to the playground and on picnics . I could take naps and long showers . ( Not to mention the massages and pool time . ) I could sit back and relax with my husband whenever I felt like it instead of the two of us wondering what chore to do next . Life has gotten to be too much about what needs to get done . Not enough about living each moment to the fullest . Oh the books that I would read , the friends that I would spend time with , the shopping I would do . . . People can dream right ? Tags : writer 's block Joshua 's first day of Grade 5bizlittlemommaSeptember 9th , 2010I am happy to report that Joshua 's first day of school went really well . All that apprehension for nothing . Why do we do that to ourselves ? There 's really no need . He is in the homeroom that he wanted to be in . Mr . Penny . He 's the gym teacher from last year and he is pretty familiar with him already . He didn 't give me a lot of detail on the school work he did but told me that they practiced a fire drill and that he did a lot of things with his buddy Riley . They 're locker buddies , and seat buddies and fire drill buddies . I 'm glad that he 's exited about making friends . And I 'm glad we have day one done and over with . On to day 2 . I took Zachary to play group at the playground today too which he liked very much . He was happy to be outside and playing on the playground equipment . Alexander had a good time playing with the rocks too . ( He wound up trying to eat too many of them for me to leave him on the ground for too long though . ) : ) A good day all in all . What a relief . I wonder what tomorrow . . . oops I mean today will bring . I guess I should get some sleep . A month of Stuff - Day 2 ( sorry so late ) bizlittlemommaSeptember 9th , 2010My first love in great detail . . . Well , let 's see , little girl crushes aside ( because I think I was in love with Donnie Whalberg since adolescence . ) my first love is not an experience I like to remember . I still have nightmares about that relationship in a very serious way . So we 'll avoid the first love to preserve my sanity and move on to the second boy I loved in my life . My second relationship with a guy was with Dave , a boy that had apparently had a crush on me back in grade 5 and had never come to tell me about it until we were starting grade 11 . I was so flattered that someone could hold on to a crush for so long that I was swept off my feet . We spent a lot of time hanging out with friends and just having as much fun as we possibly could . Dave was very outdoorsy and liked to get out a lot . We spent time with his family who were really great and generally just tried to be teenagers . I guess that 's what I liked about him . He didn 't expect too much of me nor I of him . I appreciated his down to earth personality . He was raised right and treated me well . And then we spent a summer mostly apart when I was working on the base with the cadet movement . I guess we grew apart or he got to be interested in other people , I don 't really have an explanation for it but he broke up with me when we started grade 12 . I spent a few months heartbroken and trying to find myself . I don 't think I realized how much I had lost myself in the relationship . When November rolled around we started hanging around again and one rainy night everyone decided they wanted to go for a drive . So we all divided up into the three cars that were there and took a ride around some very windy roads . Two of our cars wound up in an accident together . A pretty bad one . Anyway , the shock of that must have brought us back together because we told each other we loved each other driving home from the accident and we were together for the rest of the school year . I really don 't know if he Leave a commentShare A month of Stuff - Day 1bizlittlemommaSeptember 7th , 2010Okay , so totally going to steal this list from Jellyjen , because I have no idea whether or not I will be able to come up with anything to write on my own . So at the least , this gives it enough stuff to actually call it a Journal . So day 1 requires an introduction . It 's funny but the first thing I want to do is write about my husband and kids not myself . Because they are such a big part of who I am . I suppose because this is my journal I shall start with myself . My name is Malinda Dawn . I was born a Drover but am now a Little . Married life seems to suit me just fine . I had my first child when I was 21 which at the time may have seemed too early in my life but in retrospect I was not doing anything useful with my life at the time so I might as well have dove right into something worthwhile . And my children have generally become and extension of myself and are definitely worthwhile . We live in a small town in Newfoundland . I grew up mainly in different parts in Nova Scotia but have lived a few other places based on the fact that my father was a military man . I married a man who had stayed in one place all his life so I guess we sort of balance each other out that way . I am a person who perpetually , indefinitely hates to be alone . I love to be surrounded by good people . After having kids I sort of got a little isolated and started experiencing some depression and anxiety . But generally I am a positive person . I enjoy and am drawn to optimism . I am creative . I don 't really have a direction when it comes to a career ( unless motherhood counts . ) I sort of describe myself as the woman with the many hats . Due to the fact that I have tried so many jobs . My latest job has been at Wal Mart . I started out in the photo lab developing pictures and providing customer service . I liked it but the chemicals in there made me think I should maybe switch to a different department while I was pregnant with our third child . So I have also worked on the front cash there and the door 1 commentLeave a commentShare Up with a teething babybizlittlemommaSeptember 7th , 2010Poor little Alexander seems to be getting all of his teeth at once . He 's ten months old now and has only recently had the two bottom teeth poke through his sore little gums . And when you look into his mouth ( or when I let him chew on my finger ) you can tell that he 's got all of them ready to break through the surface . So the poor little guy woke from a deep sleep tonight crying and chewing on his little fingers . Alas , I had to go and get him and now he is happily chewing on a cool teething ring after a dose of infant tylenol . I truly hope he finds a way to get back to sleep . Or I will be one tired mama by the morning .

That title really has nothing at all to do with this post . I was just thinking Christmassy thoughts and that popped into my head . I recently received this little e - mail forward thingy with questions about your Christmas shtuff . You know - fake or real ( trees , not boobs ) , to nog or not to nog ( eeh . I 'd rather have a rum and Coke , but will nog on occasion ) , etc . One of the questions was something like : " Cards : Snail mail or email ? " That was a problem , because " Not at all " was not an option . I don 't do cards . At all really . Not of the Valentine , Christmas , or even thank - you variety . I 've committed many a social faux pas because of this , and am sure I have been the topic of more than one conversation about obvious breaches of social etiquette . I didn 't even send thank you cards after my wedding . Shit . I was way too busy trying to figure out how to be wedded . My mom sent out the family newsletter style Christmas card out a few times growing up , but mostly I think it kind of pissed her off . ( A lot of things about Christmas seemed to piss my mom off . ) We received several of those types as well , filled with glowing accomplishments and sugary sweet sentiments . So - here 's the Christmas card I would send out if I decided to tell the truth ( well , mostly ) about what really happened this year at the Jorgensen house . Dear Friends , Family , and people who sent me a card last year so I decided I 'd better add you name to my list this year so as not to be insulting , Hi everyone ! My , has this year flown by . With it being the holidays , it seems a good time to catch everyone up on the Jorgensen clan . Here goes . Sophie started kindergarten this year , and has really been enjoying it . She 's splitting her time between Montessori and public ed , and man is it ever a pain in my ass taxi - ing her from place to place in the middle of the day . Her favorite things about kindergarten are learning to read , art projects , the many new flavors of glue , and her very sweet and talented new teacher . Soph has also enjoyed the fact that her grandma happens to be Posted by So , you guys have made a lot of cool stuff . I really appreciate the cars and computers and flush toilets . Thanks . You 've even made some pretty impressive strides in the feminine hygiene department . Pads for absorbing menstrual flow have wings , dams , and one I saw on TV last night can even ride a mechanical bull . So , props there too . BUTHere 's what I need y ' all to do . PLEASE invent a tampon with a wrapper and applicator that won 't disintegrate in the bottom of my purse . That way , then next time I start my period while teaching 2nd period to a bunch of adolescent boys , I won 't have to scurry to the bathroom , discover it 's out of toilet paper , go back to class and grab my purse , fish around in it , find the remnants of a month old tampon that has come unwrapped and slid out of the applicator , pick off the Teddy Graham crumbs and gum wrappers , and then try to shove it up my chotch . Thanks ! J Remember International Children 's Day ? It 's that thing at Montessori where on Halloween the kids don 't wear their costumes , but rather , dress like a child from a foreign country ? I THOUGHT last year that they were supposed to come dressed as a kid from their heritage , thus freaked out trying to put together a " Danish Girl " costume ( and pulled it off quite nicely , if I do say so myself ) and then showed up to a bunch of white kids dressed like they were from Hawaii , China , the Arctic , and Africa . So this year , Soph and I decided on France . Voila ! Pretty cute - - huh ? Now I just have to figure out what to take for food . Soph wants to take crepes , but I don 't know the first thing about crepe making , and think I 'd probably fuck it up . Plus , isn 't a crepe one of those things that you have to make and then eat pretty much immediately ? Another idea was to make some mini quiches , but then again , I 'm not sure how quiche would fly with the under 6 set . There 's also croissants , which I could just grab at the store , but you know that dumb little voice in your head that urges you to be FABULOUS ? It 's kind of nagging at me . I hope it will shut up . What do you think ? Wow . I think I 've posted enough lately that I don 't even need to start this post with an excuse / apology for not posting . Now then , I love my sis , but she 's not big on the calling . Frankly , neither am I . And since I need something to post today , I 'm just going to write her a letter . Dear Mandy , Hey sugar ! What 's going on in the Krause House ? I hope the kidletts are well . Is Zack still loving school ? How 's Madeline doing with the writing and homework ? Is Clark - baby on the road again ? Also , how is the Yoga class going ? Now then , the Jorgensen 's . Well , we finally closed on the house . I can 't fucking believe how much it costs to get a mortgage . Does anyone even know what title insurance is for ? And mortgage insurance ? They might as well call it getting fucked in the ass insurance , because that 's exactly what it is . We did arrange for a little cash back , so I think we 're going to put in a nice big Jacuzzi tub for me , and do a little work on the patio . In my head , I 'm imagining a little Japanese garden space , but in my heart , I know we 'll end up with some kind of covering and maybe a new patio set . We got Sophie 's Halloween costume , and I think she 's going to be a very cute Princess Leah . E is planning on Han Solo , and Janz is going as Lando Calrisian . I don 't think I really fit into the Star Wars mix , but we shall see . School 's going ok . Of course in my film class today , we were trying to write our Chicago reviews , and half the class hadn 't been in class to watch the movie . I don 't even know what to do with that . Tomorrow is the writing UBSCT , and I THINK most of my kids are ready . We shall see . What else ? Mom 's doing better ; no major philosophical breakdowns for a while . We all went to Chinese for Dad 's birthday , and Jon , Katy and I went in on a digital photo frame for him . Katy is doing good - I think . Apparently she has something in the works with a guy named Giovanni , and she 's picking up Soph from school for me a couple times this week . Soph is so excited for Thanksgiving . She misses you guys like crazy . ( Me too ) I think Posted by Yesterday was the Montessori family picnic . They have one twice a year and it 's always a potluck . I always sign up to take a main - dish , and I always take a big homemade macaroni and cheese casserole . At a function like this , everyone tries to bring something fancy and delicious . You know the drill . It 's mostly rich , fabulous moms who grind their own wheat and grow organic gardens , so they bring things like spinach and goat cheese salad with fresh pair ( that one was good ) or vegan chocolate chip cookies ( WTF ? ) . I , on the other hand , cook up a big vat of macaroni noodles with a white sauce made with whatever cheeses happen to be left over in my fridge , and top it with crunched up stuffing mix . Everyone always bring way too much , and there are always tons of leftovers . Except for mine . My mac ' n ' cheese is always gone . Dads are always standing around scraping the sides of the casserole pan , and at least one or two moms ask me for the recipe . This brings me a ridiculous amount of satisfaction . To see my empty ratty Corelware pan sitting next to the beautiful Pottery Barn bowl full of marinated kalamata olives or some such thing absolutely makes my day . I 'm still grinning about it . And that is reason 102 that I am a very , very petty person . It = the blog , and in all honesty , just barely . My dears , I think this blog has jumped the shark . As I sit here at my desk , munching my apple and pita chips with hummus ( don 't be impressed . Yesterday it was a teriyaki burger from Carl 's Jr . ) I really think I may have run out of things to say . I 've thought of blogging about school . I 'm sure I could get huge chuckles over painfully bad writing that my kids sometimes turn in . Also , running a " best lie of the day " section would be easy / schmeasy . We could even do the longest / dumbest education acronym , or most asinine euphemism ( how 's " Student Involvement Activity " for worksheet ) . But I think I 'd probably get fired . Soph is just big . She 's in school all day . Her daily exploits are often unbeknownst to me , her mother . Sure , at times she 'll start singing " For He 's the Jolly Good Butt Crack " for no apparent reason , but butt - crack songs do not a complete blog make . So - I 'm stuck . I can 't blog in honesty about myself - because that would piss people off and make my life more difficult . I can 't blog about my kid , because she 's kind of running out of material . I can 't blog about work , because that would lead to official reprimands . I don 't know what to do . Maybe some letters to inanimate objects . Dear Work Chair , You 've been my work chair for a while now . On the outside you look reasonably nice . You adjust up and down , and tilt forward and back . You 're very rolley , and spinney , and a not - to - vomitous shade of teal green . But chair , I know your game . Benign though you may be on the outside , a torture rack lurks underneath . All I have to do is sit in you for 2 minutes , and the pain begins . First a pang to the left of my lower spine . Then a pang to the right . My ass begins to fall asleep , and I start shifting around on my pelvis , my spine clicking like little mouse castanets . Well know this . Your time is almost up . Some day and soon , you 'll find yourself dumpster diving . So there . Dear Vitamin Water , I bought you at Smiths for lunch because you were near the check - out and on sale . ApparenPosted by Just stream of thought today . The mind is too shot to organize anything . First - - school starts tomorrow . I 'm ready for . . . tomorrow . That 's about it . The beginning of school at my particular location is tricky - - because most of my kids won 't remember that school starts for another week or so . So finding things that won 't waste the time of the kids who are there , but won 't need to be repeated next week is kind of a bitch . I 'm also trying to decide what to wear tomorrow . Katy thinks I should go with the " Erudite MILF " look . ( Precisely what that entails , I 'm not entirely sure . I 've lost a little weight , but I still have to deal with the rack that ate Manhattan , and you 'd be surprised how short a trip it is for me over to Beth the Bounty Hunter land . I went school shopping and bought some things , but I 'm not thrilled with them . Confidence + comfortable + breathable fabric is just a pipe dream , I suppose . In Soph news , she successfully exploded a soy sauce packet all over her face and the ceiling of the car today . You can imagine how that went , what with the salt content and the eyeballs and all . What else . Oh - - the little bit of weight I 've lost . Well , I 've been doing this in the morning . Surprisingly , I quite like it . You wouldn 't think one would need a DVD to walk in place in one 's living room , but apparently , one does . I also like the stretchy band . Then , in the evening , I walk the dog up in the hills behind our house . The only way I know I 've lost a little is that I don 't nearly slip a disk putting on my bra ( you know , with the buckle in the front and twist to the back maneuver ) , because I 've lost enough back fat that it slides around easier . That last sentence , by the way , was brought to you by a bonafide English teacher . So - - in honor of my be - sauced - car , tell me about the interior of your ride . Mine is repulsive . We 're talking toys , garbage , fast - food bags ( I know . I 'm bad . ) , and other assorted Soph stuff . E calls it the fry wagon . If I were to peek in your car windows right now , what would I see ? Just so you know , my internal soundtrack is NOT cool at all . It 's mostly made up of silly kids songs and other shit that is just plain stupid . For example : Every time I pee , my brain plays " Turkey in the Straw ; " really fast . Also , when I check my blog , and no one has commented , my brain plays , " Everybody Hates Me . Nobody Loves Me . Guess I 'll Go Eat Worms . " When Sophie is having a huge breakdown , which she is currently doing ( She screams this high pitched scream , really , really loudly ) it plays " Little Girls " from Annie . Particularly the part , " If I ring little necks , surely I would get an acquittal . " In other mind boggling news , I went back to work today . The kids don 't come back until the 16th , but we get to be motivational speakered to death for a week before . Because , you know , I don 't actually have any WORK to do ( she said sarcastically ) . So spill - - what ditties does your brain play for you during the day ? Or am I the only one . Also , why not tell me one thing one of your old English teachers did that was particularly cool / meaningful / useful in your real life . Dear giant empty economy size bottle of KY warming massage oil that my mom keeps in Soph 's bath toys at her house , OK , so apparently you 're great for filling with water and then squirting it around the bathtub , but doood ! It 's just WAY too disturbing to pull out the box and find you nestled among the rubber duckies and plastic funnels . The implications of your existence are just too , too , icky . So don 't take it personally if the next time I see you , I throw you in the trash where you belong . Sorry . Dear Grout , Fuck you . Dear half deflated birthday balloon that was floating around my room last night , Thanks for scaring the freaking bujesus out of me . Laying in my bed at 3 : 00 a . m . trying to convince myself that you weren 't a ghost or other spectral being was GT . Really . Dear Coconut Body Butter I got from my birthday , Even though I don 't know if I 'd rather eat you or rub you all over my skin , either way you 're truly , truly delicious . Dear grande iced sugar free 2 % vanilla latte with no whip , I think it 's time for a break . It 's gotten to where I can 't imagine my day without you , and I think I need to learn to stand on my own two feet again . I just need to figure out who I am before I can figure out who WE are . What I 'm saying is , it 's not you , it 's me . Damn these birthdays seem to be coming around more and more quickly . Today I 'm 32 . That means that 2 days ago E turned 33 , and in 10 days , Soph will be 5 . Sheesh . Because E had his wisdom teeth pulled recently , and has had some unpleasant complications , his birthday was pretty low key . I did , however , pull off a completely home made triple layer German chocolate cake that was something of a thing of beauty . As for me , I 've been having insomnia for the last several nights , and am feeling pretty zombified today . Currently I 'm at work , still filing last year 's crap ( can 't you tell ) and later have a lunch date with the folks + Katy . Frankly - - I 'm feeling pretty low . School starts any second , and the thought of going back is about as appealing as having a pelvic exam . So , in honor of my birthday and my shitty mood , I present to you : 32 Things I Hate1 . That horrible moment when you first get out of the shower2 . When people put empty containers back in the fridge3 . The unspoken rule that in Cedar City , the guy with the biggest truck gets the right of way at four way stops4 . Yeast infections5 . Sorting laundry6 . Having to fart really bad in public7 . When my coffee gets cold in like 4 seconds8 . Not having a good book to read9 . Filing10 . Trying to buy attractive , work casual , plus size clothing11 . Deciding what 's for dinner every night12 . Lower back pain13 . Trying to get out of the car in my garage where I can only open the car door like 5 inches because it is so full of crap14 . Dog hair15 . Putting sheets back on the bed after washing them16 . Ants17 . The movie Rent18 . Chin hairs19 . Going to the post office to buy stamps20 . Angel , Season 421 . Dusting22 . Squished worms23 . Car maintenance24 . Moldy cheese25 . Running out of things in the middle of a recipe26 . Laying in bed and not being able to sleep27 . When the copy machine prints lines on my copies28 . Pooping in a strange toilet29 . After you eat the the top layer of the movie popcorn and the rest has no salt or " butter " 30 . Back fat31 . Armpit fat32 . Getting caught out in public withouPosted by Don 't worry . Bacon has not come to an end . I 'll explain in a minute . E had his wisdom teeth out a few days ago , and he 's having a pretty rough time of it . I , as the nicest wife in the land , have been trying to cook tasty yet chewing - optional meals , and frankly , I 'm running out of ideas . I 've done mashed potatoes , broccoli cheese soup , chicken and dressing casserole , and tonight , we sup on baked - potato soup . Baked potato soup is just regular potato soup , unless you garnish it with 80 gagillion calories , disguised as bacon , cheese , and sour cream . Which leads me to ( told you I 'd get there ) bacon . MMmmm . Bacon . Sophie 's favorite part of bacon is the " end of bacon . " That is to say , the pure fat part on the end of the bacon . When I cook bacon ( not often - - well ok , more so lately because I 've become addicted to the BLT ) Soph politely requests everyones " end of bacon " as in , " Daddy . Can I please have your end of bacon ? " Janz , likes his bacon a little on the soft side , unlike his dad who likes it crispy . Me , I really only like the good bacon from the deli - - meaty and cooked until just crisp enough to hold itself upright if you hold it out horizontally . Anyone remember Sizzelean ? My mom used to buy the hell out of that stuff . My brother LOVED it . If I recall , the breakfast of his dreams , as a child , was 2 over easy eggs , mashed up , with little pieces of Sizzelean broken up in it . My mom preferred hers on a bagel , with peanut butter . I shit you not . How about you ? What 's your bacon preference . What 's your perfect strip ? Crispy ? Floppy ? Any good bacon stories ? In further news , I 'm going to rename my blog , and give it a huge face - lift . Now that my girl is almost 5 and going to kindergarten , motherhood has actually become a bit more like having a cat than it was back in the day . I just clean out her litter box occasionally and she 's good to go . J / K . Thing is , the only way this blog is going to survive is if it moves in a new direction . It 's going to be more about yours truly than the Sophinator , though she 'll still have a starring roll . Posted by You know when you haven 't cleaned under the couch for a LONG ass time , and you think to yourself , " Self , I haven 't cleaned under this couch for a LONG ass time ; I 'd better do that . Then again , it 's been a LONG ass time since I cleaned under here , so I don 't really want to . " So the fact that it 's been so long keeps you from doing it , and eventually you move , or buy a new couch , or things begin to evolve and crawl out from under the couch , or whatever , so you finally clean under the motherfucking couch . What I 'm trying to say , very awkwardly , is that it 's been so long since I 've blogged because it 's been so long since I 've blogged . So , I 'm going to act like I 've been blogging all summer , and not try to catch up all in one fail swoop . ( Is that right ? Is it a fail swoop ? How did the swoop fail ? ) The new house is lovely . It 's actually kind of aggressively tasteful , so mainly I 've been tacky - ing it up a bit . There are still boxes in the garage , and the living room contains 3 boxes ( one for E and I each to take to work , and a huge one that Soph has cut a door in and decorated and that I am desperate to throw away but know she will freak out and so haven 't yet ) but for the most part , we 've officially moved in . I 'll post pictures some day . I don 't want to be like , " Hey everyone , check out the pull out drawers in my pantry and the sweet , sweet , built ins in the dining room and living room , " but , then again , I kind of do , too . Soph is having a good summer . I MUST post pictures of her at swimming lessons . She has these lime green goggles that she won 't get in the pool without , and no matter what swimming suit I buy her , it 's perpetually all the way up her ass . Makes for some highly entertaining moments . We had a tricky start , and she wouldn 't even put her face in the water at first , but now jumps off the edge all on her own ( with her life jacket on ) and lets her swimming teacher take her out and practice all her strokes . Ok that 's it for now . More later . Well , Since Missuzj is no longer posting , I 'll post some shit from our vacation . Sorry , no clever quips or any shit like that . Maybe she 'll eventually share some stuff with ya 'll . Til then . . . well , whatever . Shown above : We have the lighthouse at Cabrillio National Monument , the great MissuzJ hanging onto her favorite tree , the California Cyprus . And last , but certainly not least , SG " striking a pose " at the Cabrillo tide pools . The VaKay also included a trip to Ocean Beach where we swam with sea otters and witnessed a grown man shitting on the floor of a public bathroom not five feet from the toilet . There was also a 6 - hour excursion to Sea World that involved Sophie being equally terrified and thrilled at all times . Oh yeah , she also got lost . But we found her , so all 's good . Pretty sweet . As a frequent vacationer to Los Angeles , I was shocked to spend time in a Southern California city that wasn 't like being ass - raped with a metal pipe by a pussy - grader . I mean , I 've been to San Diego before , but , never spent any actual time that didn 't involve a rowdy concert and heavy drug use . The best moment from the vacation involved Sophie attempting to comunicate ( in Spanish ) to the largely Latino hotel staff that they needed to keep the resident ducks " in - check " so she could enjoy her vacation in peace . Hopefully MJ will return . E . Heading out for a family vay - kay tomorrow . San Diego for 5 days . I am more nervous than excited , but then I 've always been a nervous traveler . See y ' all next week . Some letters I 've been composing in my head to inanimate objects . . . Dear Uterus , Really , couldn 't you have waited to slough your lining for a couple of more days ? Vaginal bleeding and moving just don 't go well together . Please keep this in mind for next time . Dear Epstein Barr Virus , Look bitch , I told you not to show your face around here anymore . You just skulk around and wait until I 'm tired and stressed and my guard is down , and then WHAM . Get out . Stay out . Next time I 'll be asking with a baseball bat . With nails in it . Dear New Walk in Closet , Oh my darling , where have you been all my life ? Do people really live this way ? Somehow it just doesn 't feel right to have shelves for all of my shoes - - for there to be built in drawers for accessories - - for there to be so much space . Now that I 've found you , I 'll never let you go . Dear New Shower Massager , Wow . Was it good for you too ? Dear Phone Company , Electric Company , Dish TV , and All Other Companies : Look . Four hours is a long time . Can 't you get your shit together and get here at a specific time ? I don 't have time to sit on my ass waiting for you . I have things to do . I 've deducted $ 100 . 00 dollars from my bill , as that is what I estimate 4 hours of my time is worth . If you don 't like it , you can suck it . Well 12 boxes of books are packed and as of right now , I 'm finished packing . . . books . That 's it . Books . Those boxes don 't include the cookbooks , Sophie 's books , Janzen 's books , or the various books under beds , in the bathroom , and in other nooks and crannies , which will probably add up to at least 5 more boxes . Sheesh . Today my mom , the world 's best and most experienced packer is coming over to lend a hand . I 'm grateful , but hesitant for her to see the built up detritus of the last 8 years of my life . I think I 'll put her to work packing the kitchen , which should be fairly safe , and I 'll start tackling Sophie 's room . I 'm not even THINKING about the basement which includes Janzen / E 's room and the laundry room . That would just make me mad . That is , both crazy and angry . Or the yard . My goal is to get the stuff we need to live comfortably up to the new place by Monday . That leaves me 4 days to gather miscellanea and clean before the new guy moves in . Have I mentioned that I hate this ? Plus , my period is starting any second , and I can tell from the little sores on my eyelids that the Epstein Barr is creeping up again . So , send me prayers and love , and hopefully this time next week , I 'll be posting on my awesome new kitchen , the beauty of central air , and vastness of my new master bedroom . Today 's best thing about being a mom : I brought home a big box filled with packing peanuts that I had pilfered from my bro 's store . She checked it out and announced , " How remarkable ! A box filled with snow ! " Today ' w worst thing about being a mom : Picking up the packing peanuts I 've been totally ignoring the fact that I 'm moving in , like , 3 days . There is a pile of boxes sitting by the front door , but that 's about it . Today I need to face reality , and get my ass packing ! Yesterday was Soph 's first day of summer pre - school , and boy did those 4 hours go fast . I went to what I thought was going to be a one hour " gentle yoga " class . What I got instead was 2 hours of Kundalini . Kicked my ass . But I 'm surprisingly not sore today . In fact , I 'm feeling pretty good . The Kundalini is supposed to do tons of stuff with your nadis ( sp ? ) , the energy pathways through your body . I don 't know if I buy it , but I do feel somewhat energized . I better . Some of that Kundalini stuff is bizarre . My favorite was sitting cross legged , cross - eyed , and puffing out our cheeks for like , 5 minutes . No - - wait . The laying on out stomachs , humping the shit out of the floor ( I think she called it " hip bouncing " ) . After the Kundalini was an my eye appointment , then a quick trip to the dollar store for a birthday present for my nephew ( I 'm cheep , what can I say . I did score a 4 foot water gun though . His mom was thrilled . ) and then it was time to pick up the girls . ( " The girls , " for future reference , are Soph and her friend A . They are going to be a matched pair pretty much all summer . ) Needless to say , I did zero packing . And what I need to do post haste is quit playing around on the computer and START . But I don 't wanna . Today 's best thing about being a mom : This morning she was sitting by me while I was checking out the celebrity gossip . She pointed at this picture and asked , " Is that you mom ? " Today 's worst thing about being a mom : Remember those packing boxes I mentioned ? I can 't convince her that they 're for me to pack with , not for her to make dolly cradles , trains , castles , etc . with . She 's already ruined half of them . And see - - here I am , another day , another post . Today has been busy . Among other things , I took Soph to get the rest of her kindergarten shots . It sucked . But not quite as bad as I thought it would . E was kind enough to meet us at the Dr . 's office , and between the two of us , we kept Soph pretty calm . She needed 3 injections , so two nurses tag teamed it - - each giving her a shot in either arm in tandem , and then a quick poke in the leg . There was shrieking and tears , but they were surprisingly short lived . Including the one from her finger poke blood test , she is now sporting 4 Hello - Kitty Band - Aids , and is very proud of all of them . After the Dr . was the dreaded trip to Wal - Mart . Soph needed a new swimming suit , and I needed a small tent to wear over my suit , as tonight is the first night of our mommy - and - me swimming lessons . This is the first in a series of 3 sets of lessons , and the only one to which I must be present . Of course , I 'm going to have to tame the pit - beards and do a little up - keep in the nether region before then . Have I mentioned that I HATE shaving . Next week is moving week , and I keep trying to get myself to start boxing books and other stuff that we don 't really NEED , but the motivation just isn 't there . Maybe tomorrow when Soph is at her first day of summer pre - school . Today 's best thing about being a mom : Continuing the JC saga from last time , today I was talking to her about my spiritual beliefs , of which , I really have none . I told her , " Baby , when you get bigger YOU get to decide what YOU want to believe . There are a of ideas about life and death and Jesus and God . Just make sure that you decide for yourself what YOU want to believe . " Her reply , " Can I believe that I 'm a unicorn ? " Today 's worst thing about being a mom : The shots . You know , several moms who I know and respect have chosen not to have their kids immunized . It 's their choice , of course , but I can 't say I agree with it . I 've read up on the stuff , and feel pretty sure that I know the risks , some of which are very scary , and holding her doPosted by In case you hadn 't noticed , I 'm going to try and post at least a little something on the blog daily this summer . More time on my hands = more computer time , and I 'd rather spend the time here than checking out Nicole Richie 's current weight ( My first cassette tape , by the way , was Lionel Richie 's " Can 't Slow Down . " ) or Brittany 's current crotch shot . Now then . I haven 't posted any pictures of Soph for a while . These aren 't WAY new , but they 're only about 5 weeks old . Behold the cuteness : And now . . . back by popular demand . . . Today 's best thing about being a mom : Apparently , today is fun with straws day . First , we made sculptures using straws and pipe cleaners . Then we played straw hockey , ( otherwise known as blowing a packing peanut across the table using a straw ) and currently , Soph 's doing some straw painting . GT . Today 's worst thing about being a mom : Soph has this friend - - EK - - and her mom is a teacher at the Montessori school and they are WAY , WAY Mormon . They are more Mormon than Joseph Smith drinking a diet , caffeine free coke , and turning to his third wife to say " Oh my fetching heck ! Brother Ephram needs us to take some green jello down to the ward house for the primary social . " She keeps coming home talking about Heavenly Father and telling me that we 're really sisters because we all lived in heaven before we were born and Jesus can make us perfect and I AM PISSED ! Yesterday was the last straw , when she came home Heavenly Fathering again , and I 've decided that I am going to call EKs mom . What I 'd like to do is rip her a new asshole . But instead , I 'm going to ask her to please preface any religious talk with the phrase " we believe " and not present this stuff to Soph as if it were the bible truth . It 's a matter of respect . Ok . I could write another 3 pages of rant on this , but I 'm done . One of my old English professors was in my yoga class today . And every time I bump into her and am forced to make small talk , I feel dumb as hell . She asks how I am , and my brain begins this argument with itself : Don 't say you 're good . Say you 're well . Are you sure ? Yes . ' Am ' is a verb , so you don 't use the adjective . You use the adverb . But does it matter that ' am ' is a linking verb ? Fuck if I know . So I end up stuttering out something like , " Oh - - things are going good - - well . I 'm ok . Really . How about you ? " Then I give her the brief update about the parts of my life that she may be able to pretend to be interested in , " You know - - still teaching . English . It 's good . Well . It 's going really great - - ly . And my daughter is almost 5 . And well , we 're still here in Cedar - - as you can see . " Some people , really nice , normal people , can turn me into an idiot in about 2 seconds . It 's because I know they 're smarter than I am , and they know they 're smarter than I am , and so really , what 's the point of me even talking , because they know more than I do anyway . Today 's best things about being a mom : Successfully test - driving the homemade sidewalk paint recipe . ( It was a bit runny . Next time I think I 'll try a 2 to 1 corn starch to water ratio . ) Taking Soph and A out to the new very delish Chinese restaurant in town . I think they set the record for the most sweet and sour chicken devoured by 4 year olds in one sitting . Watching a Wonder Woman episode with them , and making plans to fashion tin foil wrist bands next Wednesday . ( We were , of course , out of tinfoil today . ) Listening to Soph and A plan to blame the skewer in the fish tank on their imaginary friends . Today 's worst things about being a mom : Finding Soph , A , and B all the way around the block this morning , and as a result sending B home in tears , and giving Soph and A a 30 minute time out , as we were tending A and she could not be sent home . Sending B home in tears , again , when she came back 15 minutes later and I told her she still couldn 't play . Sending B home in tears , again , 30 minutes ago when she , her brother , and her brother 's friend came over and Soph just simply didn 't want to play . You see , B 's mom is working graveyards this summer , and is sleeping during the day . And tell you what - - I 'll be damned and double damned if I am going to entertain , feed , and otherwise care for her 3 oldest kids during the 2 weeks before I move . Had she asked me to , that would be one thing , but she hasn 't . She just tells the kids she needs to sleep , and not to bug her , and they come to me . Posted by Well - - we 've decided on our middle house . Erik 's grandparents have a beautiful " luxury townhome " that they 've wanted to sell us ever since they learned that we were selling our house . I didn 't want to buy it for many reasons - - number one being that although it has a very nice sized patio , it has no yard . Also , there is the issue of the one shared wall . But , after much searching - - both in my heart and with a realtor , I 've come around to it . And like I said , chances are , it will be our middle house . We 'll catch our breath from the chaos of the last few years for a bit , then move on to the official long - term Jorgensen abode . Ultimately , my decision was based on the following : Price : They 're selling it to us at a price significantly under market . We 'll have tons of instant equity . Ease : We can move in whenever we want ( aka , in 2 weeks ) , and live rent free until our financing stuff is sorted out . Stuff : Speaking of stuff . . . . Did I mention that they 're leaving a gorgeous brand new dining room set and bedroom set ? Quality : This place is built so , so well . I 've had a builder friend of mine checking out some of the houses to be considered , and he was blown away by this one . It is solid as a rock , and brand new ( well , lived in one day a week for the past year by a 70 year old man ) , and the cabinets , appliances , and finish work are amazing . We 're talking granite counter tops , porcelain tubs , etc . , etc . Sound like I 'm trying to convince myself of something ? I am , a little . Jimmy dog is a concern . Although he is an inside dog , he is used to a yard . I 'm worried that in no time , the patio will smell like dog piss and shit , no matter how vigilant I am with clean up . I 'm also worried about him barking and pissing off the ( mostly rich and old ) neighbors . Also , even with lots of shared lawn in the development and gorgeous parks in walking distance , part of me feels like I 'll be depriving Sophie of her childhood by not providing her with a swing set and grass to run on . I 'm tired of running laps in my brain over it though , and am feeling reasonabPosted by 1 . We have to be out of our house in 22 days . 2 . We have yet to find a house we both love . 3 . Yesterday was Sophie 's last day of pre - school . 4 . I have more split - ends than regular ends . 5 . Today is the last day of school for me . 6 . We looked at a house yesterday that smelled like hot dogs and pee . ( I wonder if Wal - Mart can sue them for infringement on their signature smell . ) 7 . Yesterday we had some friends drop by , and the cupboards were so bare that all I could offer them for food and drink was a piece of cheese and a straight shot of gin . They declined . 8 . I love the new purse that Mand and I bought in Flagstaff . It 's certainly an upgrade from the five year old one I had been dragging around , and which probably also smelled like hot dogs and pee . 9 . I may have to run home and poop later , as I cannot poop anywhere but at home , and I was in too much of a rush to go this morning . 10 . Yesterday for graduation I put my hair in hot rollers , and ended up with the kind of big - bodied curls that are usually reserved for rodeo queens and porn stars . 13 days of school left , but who 's counting ? And now I sit , trying to decide what to write . Well - - Mandy and I are meeting for our second Mother 's Day retreat in Flagstaff this weekend . We missed last year because she was busy or Clark was busy or something , but this year we are locked and loaded . For some reason I 'm a little more worried about the drive than I was last time . There 's just an awful lot of nothin ' between here and there . I 'm sure all will be well , though , and am looking forward to cocktails and fondue and backgammon and catching up . The house still hasn 't sold . Now that we 're officially into spring and I 've had the chance to pull some back - yard patio time , suddenly I 'm not as anxious . I haven 't changed my mind yet , but easing back into the lounger with a beverage and a book while Soph does her thing with the sidewalk chalk or whatever definitely isn 't a bad thing . There will be a new back - yard , to be sure , but mine is pretty hard to beat . This is the one I have my eye on . I know the outside is kind of butt - ugly , but the size , floor plan , location , and yard are pretty much exactly what I 'm looking for . Now I just need to hope that it doesn 't sell before I can make an offer on it . Soph is happy and healthy and sassy and silly . I experimented with letting her take her bike around the block with Bianca , but they ended up across the street at the school playground , so obviously she 's not quite ready for that kind of responsibility . They 've been talking about nutrition in school and she now refuses to eat chicken - nuggets or uncrustable sandwiches . Because I am the worst mother in the land , this is a kind of a problem because these have been the staple of her diet . ( Do PB & Js freeze well ? Could I make her a bunch on " bread with whole grains " which is all she 'll eat , and freeze them so that in the morning I 'm not fucking around with making sandwiches and being late to work ? ) In fact , several times a day I try to feed her something and she says , " Mom - - There 's not very much nutrition in this ! " Of course , ATS ( accorPosted by You know - - just for a change . The house selling thing is going ok . We 've had TONS of " activity " ( I am so learning the realty lingo . For instance , " That buyer seems really interested and will possibly make an offer , " means " Ya - - we 'll never hear from those bastards again . " ) but no real offers . Part of me HATES being a slave to keeping the house clean , but another part has kind of come to enjoy living in a clean house all of the time . Coming home to made beds and no dishes in the sink is actually kind of lovely . Plus , I 've taken to buying some cheep flowers at the grocery store and putting in little vases around the place , and it 's nice . But - - it is sad to have not done either of these things for myself , and to mainly be doing them for strangers . In other news , Soph and the across the street friend B aren 't getting along . So much so that when B wants to come over , Soph says she doesn 't want her to . Since she 's getting along with the rest of her friends just fine , I don 't really think it 's one sided on the Soph side . I just barely told them that if they couldn 't get along , B would have to go home , and Soph just smiled , and said , " Good . I want her to . " B 's response was to storm out the door and slam it . Needless to say , I 'm not as worried about displacing Soph from B when we move . Oh - - did you know that when the glue on contact paper breaks down , it smells just like crotch ? Did you ? I didn 't think so . For WEEKS now I 've been playing " What 's that smell ? " in Soph 's room . Sniffing around - - washing bedding . As the smell was decidedly crotchy , I washed all the dress - ups , as they 've been worn by a lot of little bodies , but even after cleaning from top to bottom , her room still smelled of eau - de - cooter . Then a couple days ago , I decided to pull the contact paper off of the high window in her room that I had originally put up when she was tiny so that she 'd nap during the day . I discovered that in many places the glue had turned brittle . I also discovered that in the places where this had happened , it smelled like low tide on a hot Posted by My realtor 's office came by and did a walk - through of the house yesterday . Unless she 's blowing sunshine up my ass , they all really liked it . They did have some " feed back " ( which I 'm gathering is a realty euphamism for " stuff we don 't like " ) about the " curb appeal " but that 's nothing I didn 't know . So now , we just need to sign the contract , drop it by the office , and my sweet little casita will be for sale . ( yeah and sigh ) Working together , H ( my realtor ) and I came up with this little snippet for the " remarks " on the listing . Step inside and fall in love with the warmth , charm , and detail of this open , solidly built home . Large windows , built - ins , and beautifully refinished floors highlight the interior , and the exterior includes a backyard that is ideal for entertaining with its unique covered patio and mature trees and lawn , plus a second patio off of the living room . Add a partially finished basement with family room and potential for a half - bath , wonderfully established neighborhood , and walking proximity to the best local schools and shopping , and this one is a no - brainer . You 've got to see it to believe it ! What do you think ? Too cheezy ? Does it make you want to pay me lots of money for my house ? April 5th was the two year anniversary of my blog and I totally missed it . I 'm going to have to buy the blog some flowers and a fancy dinner to make up for it , I guess . Probably still won 't get any nookie , though . Now then , onto the film festival . In an awesome turn of events , Soph watched 2 ( well , one and a half ) big kid / family movies this weekend . Could it be that we are approaching a time when we can sit down as a family and enjoy a movie all together ( instead of our norm veg - time , which is E and Janz downstairs watching Big Trouble in Little China , or similar , Soph watching Strawberry Shortcake , or similar , upstairs , and me on the lap - top playing some inane puzzle game like Chuzzles ( or similar ) pretending to watch with her . ) You are , I know , dying to know what she watched . So - - first , it was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire . With all the Scooby and Buffy in the house , HP isn 't too freaky for her , although the underwater scene with the merpeople freaked her out , as they were decidedly un - Arial like . She decided they were in fact NOT mermaid , but rather , " evil trout " ( name of future band ? ) and that seemed to reestablish her underwater - creature - equilibrium . We turned off the movie before the maze / graveyard scene , because , well , too creepy for a 4 year old . THEN she watched The Secret of Rowan Inish . I had ordered it from Netflix as a possible film for the fam to watch together ( new member - - liking it so far ) and E and I watched it one night last week as a kind of preview . I loved it - - but strong girl protagonist meets magical force stories are kind of my thing . The story was SO lovingly told , and the green , green Irish isles are such wonderful eye candy , and the magical - realism was crafted to be both magical and real , which I should imagine is tricky . E also liked it and thought the kids would too . The " as a family " thing broke down as on Sunday morning I was in bed with cramps , the laptop , and Angel Season 3 - - disk 3 , but E and the kids watched it and both Soph and Janz were enthralled . Soph would run in my room toPosted by I almost set my house on fire . My dog saved the day . No hyperbole at all intended . Last night a little before bedtime , and after an early , early dinner , Soph decided she was hungry . Fine . She wanted a hot dog . We didn 't have any , but had some bratwurst in the fridge ( I know - - bad for you , blah , blah , blah ) , which she decided would do . So I turned on the grill ( which had a NEW tank of propane ) and came inside . ( Catch that foreshadowing ? ) Now I thought the sausage was fine , but E , who is very sensitive to such things , vetoed the sausage as being past its prime . So I threw a couple chicken nuggets in the microwave ( again with the I know , but it did say no trans fats on the bag ) and all was well . Soph had her dinner / snack , bath time , story time , and went to bed . E and I caught the new Entourage ( entourage ? What 's with the no caps ? ) and I went to bed . Notice the part where I never went out to turn off the grill ? This morning , after I had left for work ( after an emergency stop at Walmart to buy a new slip because I couldn 't find mine and my skirt is just a little see - through ) Jimmy ( the dog ) apparently started freaking out . Barking and barking at the back door - - and would not be calmed by anything . When E finally went out to see what was up , the grill was smoking , smoking hot , and the ivy growing on the side of OUR HOUSE was ON FIRE . So - - E doused the flames , turned off the grill , praised the hell out of the dog , and called me at work to tell me , very gently I might add , about the calamity - - nay the holocaust - - that had just barely been averted . So - - am feeling equal parts grateful and dumb as hell . Will be cooking Jim a steak for dinner tonight - - in the broiler of the oven . Also , E gets a TOTAL pass for , like , the next 10 dumb things he does . Sheesh . Dumb . Stupid . ( Insert other similes as you wish . ) Today 's best thing about being a mom : Who knows ? I 'm surprised I didn 't forget I have one . Today 's worst thing about being a mom : Oh - - maybe almost incinerating her ? Selling a house is weird . Yesterday I had 2 people come and look , and it was very , very weird . First of all , I 've been cleaning my ASS off . Really . If you look closely , I no longer have an ass . It 's so frustrating how stuff you never noticed begins to pop up everywhere : cobwebs in the corners , fingerprints on the doors , scunge of various kinds in the sinks and in the bathtub . Secondly , when walking people through the house , I suddenly found myself saying the most ridiculously obvious things , like , " This is the bathroom . " Well dur ! Unless we 're trying to disguise the kitchen by tricking it out with a shitter and a tub , I think they probably noticed that already . Then there 's that little salesperson inside who kept pointing out the closet space , new carpet , and whatever other little " awesome " thing that , again , unless these people are blind , they can certainly see . Finally , I started to feel very irrationally annoyed at questions like , " Are you going to fix the … , " or " Did you know the water heater isn 't … . " I felt strangely , and unflatteringly territorial , like a dog must when another dog pees on its lawn . I was like - hey , this is my house , and you can just get the fuck out if you don 't like it . See ? It 's mine . I just peed on it , so there . I didn 't really pee on it . But I could have . Because it 's mine . I don 't know . We don 't even have a sign up yet - have just spread a little word of mouth love around . I 've seen a few houses that I like with the realtor , ( and yes , I did ask if they were going to fix the whatever , ) and so I know I could be happy in another space . I 'm just not a fan of the process . Some people - like my mom - like to build and sell houses for a hobby . This is not me . The sooner this is over , the better . Today 's best thing about being a mom : Soph has coined the word , " cuggle . " It 's a hybrid of " cuddle " and " snuggle " and it means drop everything , sit down , and give me some loves right this very now ! When she 's particularly blue , she says , Missuz J You want a real post you say ? Not a crappy crybaby one that stays up for 2 seconds or a 2 liner about pachyderms as prophylactics or some nonsense about selling a house ? K . I 'll try . First , an update on all members of the household : Sophie : She 's just big . So freaking big . I can 't believe it , but kindergarten registration is like , next week ! My baby is so definitely not a baby . She 's reading tons of sight words and simple short vowel words . Her hair is finally growing out from the cut from hell , and she 's being mistaken for a little boy less and less . She continues to beg me for a baby brother / sister , which just ain 't gonna happen . Period . Also , I 'm just a bit worried that she may be a sociopath . Really . Isn 't a sociopath someone who has no connection at all to the rules of society - - thinks they don 't apply - - but is smart and manipulative and charming ? Maybe I 'm talking about another " path . " Don 't believe me ? Examples : E found her taking a dollar out of his wallet . He asked her what she was doing . She replied , " Oh , just getting some money from the tooth fairy . " His answer , " What ? " Hers , " Well , she forgot to put it under my pillow so I 'm just taking it from your wallet . Want to share it ? " Last night for no apparent reason , she SLAPPED her dad right in the face . After I sent her friend ( B , of course ) home , gave her a time out , and yelled at her for a while , I asked her why she did it . She said , " Well , I drank a naughty shake . " Other mishaps and misbehavior have been blamed on her army of imaginary friends , the dog , and the cat . ( We don 't have a cat . ) No matter how much I yammer on about what responsibility is , that girl can come up with a " reason " ( excuse ) for any and everything . E : You 'll have to ask him . Janz : Again - - huge . He 's taller than me and his voice is more Barry White than little boy . E had him shoveling rocks this weekend - - a perfect task for a 12 year old kid . He still continues to spout random movie quotes , both at home and at school , but this doesn 't seem to scare off the many girls who have crushes on him . So farPosted by We 've decided ( well , nearly - - maybe 90 % sure now ) to sell our house . This makes me sad . I love my little house . It was built in the early 50s , and is just bursting with character . I love the swooping Jetson like lines . I love the big windows . I love the mature yard and huge trees . I love that it 's less than a block from the best elementary school in town and that Sophie was a baby in it . What I DON ' T love is that it has one bathroom . I don 't love its tiny , tiny bedrooms - - so tiny that a queen bed pretty much fills the space . I don 't love the huge amount of yardwork attached to those huge trees - - or the guilt I feel that it doesn 't get done . I don 't love that Janzen 's bedroom sometimes doubles for a family room , or that the laundry is housed in a very dungeon - like pit . The market in S . Utah has gone a bit mad since we bought some 7 years ago , so in some ways , we can 't afford not to sell . The return we could feasibly get from our initial investment in it is kind of silly . But on the flip side , getting into something bigger / newer / better is going to be tricky as well . I 've already had a panic attack ( ok , not real ones , but they did both require a large glass of wine and / or chocolate therapy ) over getting the house in order to be shown . Just off the top of my head , I could list 20 things I 've put off or let pile up for 7 years - - and that 's just the inside . Sophie said to me yesterday , " Mommy , my queen - powers are NOT for cleaning ; they are for killing dragons , " and I wish I could say the same . I think I 'd much rather slay a dragon than get my house to the point where I 'd be willing to let strangers look at it - - let alone love it enough to pay me lots of money for it . Day before yesterday I went out with a realtor ( she 's kind of hot ) and started looking . I found a house I could truly , truly love , but the catch is , it 's only a block away from the freeway . I sat on the back porch , looking at the unbelieveable playhouse , redwood swing - set , dog - run , and hamock , listening to semis going by , thinking , " Would the noise drive me mad ? " AndPosted by Soph is way into the imaginary friend thing . I mean , she has one , but we don 't stop there , not by a long shot . ( I 'm not making any of the following up . It 's all straight out of the mouth of Soph . ) Meet Soph 's imaginary friend 's brother . He 's a cross dresser . I 'm serious . Soph tells me all the time about how he 's always putting on her princess dress - ups . It really pisses her off . His favorite is the Cinderella costume . He puts it on and " dances around all silly . " He also likes to wear my make - up . Also , a week or two ago , she was having a huge fight in the front yard . By herself , I thought . Upon further investigation , though , I found out that she was having a fight with Addison 's ( a school friend ) imaginary friend . Yes . Her real friend 's imaginary friend had stopped by - - without her real counterpart - - and royally pissed of Soph in some way or another . Her imaginary friend also has a grandfather who has a hot air balloon and a cat who is black and white and pink and her name is Mrs . Pink - scootles Jorgensen . This is just the tip of the imaginary ice berg . We 've heard of imaginary cousins , teachers , and even once an imaginary hamster . Sometimes I worry a bit . It seems to me that there 's a fine line between imaginary friends and , um psychosis . Hopefully , she 's ok and just really imaginative - - not having visions of ghosts or other scary - ish things . I 've been feeling pretty run - down the last few weeks . Obviously the blog has been sliding , as have other unimportant things like personal hygiene , correcting papers , and grocery shopping . However , the sun did come out today , so maybe after charging my solar batteries a bit I 'll bounce back . I 've said it before , but I am a solar powered person with no battery back - ups . I actually get pretty annoying in my longing for summer . It 's a repetitive tune , I know , but I can 't help but sing it . I need the sun . It 's a yearning that I feel very , very deeply . So ends the " guess I better post " post . Hopefully next time I 'll have something like , oh , a central threat of meaning , and maybe even a pointPosted by I guess I should blog . I mean , I 've spent the last hour binging on internet gossip trash , and one can only look at the best and worst dressed of the Academy Awards red carpet so many times . ( Loved Nicole Kidman 's red , hated that bluish think Kirsten Dunst had on , would like Penelope Cruiz to come spin around my living room a few times so I won 't have to dust , and really didn 't mind Jennifer Hudson 's jacket all that much . ) I internet binge when I 'm depressed . Am I depressed ? Let 's see . . . Work ? Sucks . I am SO tired of being lied to by teenagers . House ? Dirty . In fact , I am literally laying on a pile of laundry . Weight ? Off the chartsWeather ? Snowing . . . againComplexion ? Zits and wrinkles . SweetYep . Kind of depressed . I 've watched the first two seasons of Angel now , and am pretty sure it has jumped the shark . That medieval alternate - dimension nonsense was just , well , nonsense . Don 't get me wrong . . . I 'd still volunteer to teach David Boreanaz a lesson any day of the week ( that Lindsey guy isn 't half bad either ) , and chances are in a few days I 'll break down and order a used season three somewhere , but the detective agency thing + arc of Angel 's angst / demon / whateva crap was going so well . I see a soap opera coming up , and it makes me sad . Anything else ? Work is beginning to get to me in a way it never has before , but this isn 't the forum . Hopefully I 'll get through fourth quarter , gain some perspective over the summer , and come back next year with a little more hope . Today 's best thing about being a mom : Luckily , Soph has been a dream the last couple of days . She 's on a major cleaning kick , so I have a spray bottle filled with just water and a couple of rags where she can reach them . Also , she 's decided that when she grows up , she wants to be either an Eskimo or an alien . Frankly , those don 't sound like bad career options to me . Today 's worst thing about being a mom : We were playing baby this afternoon , and she totally PEED HER PANTS - - on PURPOSE . Sigh . I guess we can chalk it up to method acting . Me ( to self , while driving family back from Zion National Park ) : Hmmm . I bet it 's getting kind of windy in the back seat . I think I 'll roll up Soph 's window . Soph : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ! ! Ow ! OW ! ! OW ! ! EEEEEEEEEE ! ! E : You just totally rolled up Soph 's arm in the window . Me : ( reaching around to back seat with one arm - - rubbing Soph 's right wrist and forearm with one hand and steering with the other ) : Oh shit . Oh sweetie . Mommy 's so sorry . That was an accident . I didn 't know you had your arm out the window . Didn 't I tell you not to put your arm out the window ? I 'm so sorry baby . E : Jesus Boo ! Me : Don 't you give me shit . I 'm having a really hard day . I started my period . My Granny died . I 'm doing the best I can . E ( patting me on the leg ) : I 'm sorry baby . Are you doing ok ? Soph : A period is a kind of letter that 's just a dot . Did you write a letter mommy ? Me : No honey . Ladies say they 're having their period when they 're menstruating . E : Or they say they 're getting a visit from Aunt Flow . Me ( glaring at E out of the corner of my eye ) : Or they say , " I 'm bleeding out of my vagina . " In yoga they say " moon time . " E : What - - is there a note on the bulletin board that says , " Don 't wear white sweats during your moon time " ? Me : No dummy . You 're not supposed to do inversions when your having your period , so they say , " Don 't do this pose if it 's your moon time . " E : Why do they say that ? Me : Because your period happens at the same time of the moon cycle every month . E : Kind of like a werewolf . Me : No . Nothing at all like a werewolf . E ( not picking up on the reckoning that is coming post haste . I mean , really , really clueless ) : Yes it is ! Awesome . It 's like , the same time of the moon - - just like a werewolf ! Plus first you 're normal , then you 're really mean and . . . ( Voice fades out as he looks over and sees his death in my eyes . ) Me ( gritting my teeth ) : It 's just a natural cycle . More like the tides than like a werewolf . E : Yes . Yes . You 're right . It 's been a rough day . This morning after waking up to bloody panties I decided that a change of scenery would do Posted by I have to say this to myself over and over and over every day . There are so many kids that I " mother " but to whom I ( thank Jesus ) did not give birth . There are the kids at school . The girl across the street . Janzen - - who I love as though I HAD given birth to him , but he has a mother who is doing a fine job . What am I trying to say here ? I guess that I 'm having some boundary issues . Mainly with B - - Soph 's across the street play friend . If you 've ever come over to my house , chances are you 've met B . She 's cute as a bug ; red THICK curly hair , button nose , grin to melt your heart . The thing is , I 'm beginning to think I should be able to add her as a dependent to my taxes this year . When I buy snacks at the store - - I get enough for Soph and B . When we pick up a new coloring book or similar , I automatically grab an extra so that Soph and B won 't fight over it . Do I mind ? Sometimes . See , Bianca 's poor mom has 4 other kids . Twin baby boys , a 1st grader and a 3rd grader . Plus , her newish husband has a major life threatening liver disease . Oh . And a pit bull named Princess . All of the above , particularly Princess , have led me to encourage the girls to play at MY house . And I 'm glad . It 's not that I think B 's parents are incapable of watching Soph , but they have quite a crowd over there . And that dog . Lord . I KNOW she 's nice and that she knows Soph , but the horror stories you hear about the nice neighborhood pit bull who suddenly chewed off some poor kid 's face are just too many . Also , I feel for the girl . She is surrounded by brothers , her mom works full time , and her new step - dad is pretty much up to his ears . She loves it at my house . And I don 't blame her . We have mini pizzas and princess movies up the yang . I guess what I 'm feeling now is a sense of responsibility for this little child , and it sometimes makes me grumpy . When Soph has another friend over , and B knocks on the door , I 'd LIKE to say , " Sorry B - - Soph has a friend over . Maybe you could come back later . " But when I DO say that , her little face crumples and she cries and wPosted by Today is UBSCT day 1 . That is , the Utah Basic Skills Competency Test . Students need to pass all three sections ( writing , math , reading ) to receive their high school diploma . We 'll start right after lunch . I 'm armed with 2 bags of mini candy bars , a bag of pretzels , and a box of Cheez - its ( which I am currently checking for quality . So far , so good - - very cheezy . But I feel I need to test a larger core sample . ) Today the kids are writing their persuasive essays and doing the writing multiple choice . I 've spent most of the quarter trying to get this stuff into their heads , and so now , we 'll see if anything stuck . So - - your assignment is to cheer me up ( testing gives me nightmares ) by coming up with alternate meanings for the acronym UBSCT . I 'll start . United Blood - Sucker Combative Taskforce ( The name of a hard - core West Nile Virus preventative team ? )

I have a friend who has taken years to get close to . She has been alone for years and finally had made a cognitive leap into her imagination to create a reality that is really different from any of the rest of us . She was unable to be touched . She took offence at the smallest things . She was combative . She was plain rude at times totally rejecting any sign that she was cared about . As I endured she began to soften . It has taken years for her to expose her reality to me . As I validated her perspective , yet stayed separate from this construction , she became more and more friendly first finding ways to " take care of me " then just plain affectionate responses still not wanting to be touched however . One day a while ago she spontaneously hugged me . A surprise for sure , but a welcomed change in her . Yesterday I saw her opening her perspective to a gift I made her . The look on her face of gratitude and genuine love was delightful and the best Christmas gift I could have gotten . Bless her heart - - some hope has entered her world . I have no intention of intruding on her , but because I endured her negative behavior , took her prospective seriously , accepted her ideas , trying to understand where she had developed the construct of her life and genuinely wanted to care about her anyway , She opened her heart to being loved . I am grateful that I did not give up . It may seem at times , even to me , that who I am is a mistake , that what I think is so far out of step with what the world is doing now that I must be wrong , but yesterday I found out why I do what I do just by the look on her face . Wow ! Merry Christmas I am having trouble with Science . Our world is a finite resource . Everything on the planet is in a defined amount . Each one limited by what is here now . Science is exploring how to use every molecule of it , or should I say use up every molecule . Science has found ways to separate , concentrate , combine , and even change the molecular structure of just about anything they want . Now they are creating a laser that can blow up a planet ! - - not only using up what we have here , but dispersing what is not even within our reach . Who do we think we are ? What gives humanity ( rather a few humans ) the right to change things to suit their curiosity , no matter what the consequences to others ( animals , plants , elements , even other planets ) ? The sad part is that most of us can not grow our own food , cook our own meals , fix our cars , put up our own fences , mow our own lawns , and we do not even make our beds or wash our own dishes . We let our resources mold , rust and melt into the land fill . Science still can not get rid of nuclear waste , scrub the emissions of a coal fueled electrical plant or find a way to recycle about 1 / 2 of our garbage , but they can blow up a planet ! Wow ! Where are our priorities ? Oh , by the way the complaints about your use of electricity ? The Hedron Collider in Europe uses electricity at the same rate as a city of 300 , 000 people . For what ? To find out what happened in the big bang at the beginning of the universe . Wow ! again . I think my Christmas lights are really no problem ! Blanket , BB , pillow and booties for Lesa 's coming baby . Booties . Placemats for a house warming , include hot pads for the table . Came out cute . My little neighbor , 6 year old Leslie 's birthday pillow . Chickens , Chickens and more chickens . These are placemats for my neighbor 's birthday gift . She really likes chickens and has them all over her kitchen so I thought she might like these . Found the panel in my quilt shop and some corn printed fabric for the back . Got to use up some of the hundreds of fat quarters too ! yah ! Another thing on the panel was this banner and I put it on my chicken house to let my girls know they are the best . It is winter so I have covered the windows to keep the wind out . They seem to be very contented even though the light comes on at 5 am . It does keep them warm too so they don 't mind . Still have one egg each from the little ladies . Well , better get on to the next one . I have become aware of the extent of the nuclear testing in the Pacific . 1 . 7 Hiroshima bombs a day for 12 years ! Do we really think that had no effect on the life in the oceans of the world ? In unleashing such a catastrophic amount of radiation , heat , and light into the waters do we really think it had no long term impact ? We are experiencing changes in climate here on the west coast called El Nino , or La Nina which is the shifts in the warm water currents in the Pacific Ocean . How much did that testing affect this seasonal flow of the waters ? How many animals are no longer in this ocean because of the radiation ? I am awestruck that we are so stupid . Here I acknowledge the abuses of the leadership that exist in this genre , but the point here is to look at the components themselves . 1 . Religious components explain the unexplainable so one can let the concern over it go . 2 . Religious components give guidelines to the new generation in an otherwise chaotic existence . 3 . Religious components limit the abuses that willful hearts can do to the innocent or weaker . The larger unanswerable topics like " Why do I exist ? What happens when I die ? Is there meaning to anything ? etc . . . are usually part of religious concepts . These questions come up in every one 's life and are unanswerable as far as we know , but religion has given us a way out of worrying about it . Mysteries like these are questions that we will not be able to let go but for the permission the answers given in religious contexts give . In covering the other topics the religious components gives rest to the innocent and weak , courage to the faint of heart , and limitations to the strong . A government may be able to make laws that do these things but it takes religious components to self discipline ones self to obey these laws . There is no law enforcement that can stop a willful heart only that heart can stop itself . Without these components of religious belief the young are left with their imagination to guide them . At this time when it is possible in our society to do anything it is important to set some of these limits in the young . Not as controls , but as guidelines for behavior in an ever increasing population to stop us from destroying our planet and to protect us from each other . It is one thing to talk about freedom of speech and quite another thing to allow slander , lies , distortions and misleading . It is one thing to talk about imagination and quite another thing to abandon reality all together and live in that fantasy . The things the ancients struggled with are the same as the things we face today . They , over time , constructed ways of limiting ( self - controlling ) themselves , facing the unexplainable and keepinPosted by Today I experienced the Harvest Moon . In times past I had experienced the rising of this moon as the largest in the year . It peeks over the horizon and then fills the sky . It glows gold in the twilight of the day . It rises up to fill the night air with a pure white light . I did not pay much attention to how long it stayed in the sky . I did not realized it would still be filling the landscape with a bright glow at 6 am making it possible to see everything around as clearly as a street light fills the air with light . With our modern streetlights we create a hazy gold glow every night of the year but before electricity for millions of years this night light in the sky only happened all night in the fall after the equinox , the first full moon after the equal day and night in the fall . We are so used to having light at night that we don 't even notice it , but once a year our ancestors all over the world could stay up all night with the moon lighting their world for three days ! It is no wonder that they had a special celebration of this majestic moon . What a treat . " Aligning yourself with positive people " . . . that I may be encouraged together with you by the mutual faith . " Romans 1 : 12Today I saw Ken Burns " National Parks , our best idea " . Having been raised in California I knew about Yosemite being the first wilderness aria being set aside as a public park . I knew of the role of John Meir in trying to preserve it for us 100 years before my grandchildren would be able to see this wonder . The fact that it is still here for us to visit is amazing in itself because , as Chani has said the world 's people are self - interested and are not altruistic , but Yosemite , Yellowstone , Mount Rainer , the Grand Canyon and other places like these prove that there are some who see into the future and are not just here for themselves . I choose to be aligned with them - - the John Meurs of the world - - those who see the common good and work to preserve it for the future as well as using it for the present . There are not too many for sure but I choose to be with them . Altruism is a choice . Giving up what would be good for you in the short term for the future of your family , your town , your country , your state , your nation and the world 's future - - what more could we do for ourselves than to say we have preserved something , taken care of something , saved something , not wasted something and turned it over to future generations for the good of us all ? In my own way I am doing that . Generations of my family have worked to preserve a heritage for our family , some better than others , it has now come to me . I choose to have it to pass on . I hope that the next generation will do the same . If this is also self - interest so be it . I want to be that kind of self - interested . Google each National Park , State Park , and County Park and see what others have left for you ! And view the memory book I gave each of you and see what these folks have left for our family . Do you know who you really are ? How did you get put in the box you are in ? Is there someone else inside you that needs to be expressed ? Self examination , life 's precious gift to know one 's self . Today I saw Six Degrees of Separation . In this movie a young man pretended / imagined his way into the lives of several prominent families only to be part of a world he was not born into . His fate was , for many of us , familiar . This monologue was the most significant : " The imagination has been moved out of the realm of being our link , our most personal link with our inner lives and the world outside that world and the world we share . What is schizophrenia but a horrifying state where what 's in here ( head ) doesn 't match with what 's out there . Why has imagination become a synonym for style . . . I believe that imagination is the passport we create to take us into the real world . I believe that the Imagination is just another word for what is most uniquely us . Jung said " The greatest sin is to be unconscious . " Holden says " What scares me most is the other guy 's face . It wouldn 't be so bad if you could both be blindfolded " Most of the time the face that we face is not the other guy 's , but our own face . And it is the worst kind of yellowness to be so scared of yourself that you put blindfolds on rather than deal with yourself . To face ourselves - - - that 's the hard thing . The imagination - - that 's God 's gift to make the act of self examination bearable . " In me there is a teacher , a lover of knowledge , proficient in many genera , experienced in many fields , but the door was closed because I am dyslexic . I can 't spell . Teachers need to spell correctly ; this was the first door that slammed in my face . The door is closed to me who loves the " art " of teaching and the inspiration of knowing that you can share this love , but for those who can follow a line it is open . Many times they shoot down people like me by telling us we ask too many questions . The threat is that we want to know more than they themselves know . I am not saying that all doors should bePosted by I saw a picture of my grandson that reminded me of the way he likes to be alone . I used to be that way too . I remember sitting out on the rocks in front of Cannery Row finding peace in the sound of the ocean crashing on the big rocks splashing up into the sky and falling back into the foam . I was the oldest in a chaotic family of 4 siblings . My parents were not happy and there was never a quiet moment . Sitting by the ocean with its rhythmic roar was very different from hearing my parents argue or my siblings constant babble . With a dog , 14 cats , 3 siblings and fighting parents there was never a moment of quiet and then came the television , radio , and phonographs . But by the ocean it was all drowned out , not only from the air but from my mind . There was always the reentry into the chaos but for a moment I was at peace and one with something bigger than myself , bigger than the goings on around me , just the " isness " of being . This separateness gave me some comfort , but I really wanted to be part of something . I searched all through my life for the one place I fit in , but at every turn there was someone that wanted my place . Someone who was jelous of what I could do or wanted so badly to do it themselves that they needed to discredit me so they could take over . As I backed down to their greater desire I lost my place over and over until now there is nothing that I want to be a part of . It took me a long time to give up wanting to be part of something . I wonder if he has given up already . I have thought about my ex - husband 's weddings . The vows that were taken at our wedding were that we would " love " each other but have no commitment . These new vows are that even though we may hurt each other we don 't mean to . Interesting . The assumption that one is loved no matter what the other does and the assumption that no matter how hurtful you are to the other they should always know you don 't mean it ? Interesting . I wonder how many hurts it takes to have this mean absolutely nothing . This life path is the same as his father 's - - spend the first part of your life working out your own frailties , trying to control your spouse , and ( intentionally or unintentionally ) demoralize the mother of your children until she gives up and then choose someone else to live out the rest of your life with when you have learned what hurts a companion and don 't want to do that anymore . Interesting . How long until women recognize this pattern and stop participating ? That 's all I have to say about that . I saw John Lennon today , long gone , but still in the ghosts of the video tape . His " bed in " caused quite a stir . The message was " give peace a chance " . I have listened to the churches preach " love one another " and the golden rule " do unto others as you would have them do to you " and many more like statements . I find myself in a quandary . The only way these things work is if everyone does it . Just one person not thinking of others needs , just one person finding that hitting or yelling gets their way no matter if it is good or not , just one person taking advantage of others and the whole " Peace " thing goes up in smoke unless . . . there is something in place that holds them accountable . Tolerance is fine until someone takes advantage of the tolerance of others . Patience is fine unless someone keeps blocking progress on purpose . Forgiveness is fine until someone repeats the offence until there is no more room for forgiveness . Loving ( emotionally ) is not enough , but caring what happens to them and being willing to do something about the difficulties they face is another . Words are not enough . Love , Peace , Tolerance , Forgiveness , Patience , Acceptance , Openness - - All really good words , but there are actions , parameters , and accountability in these words . If not , then there is abuse . Where there is abuse there is disillusion . Where there is disillusion there is disappointment . Where there is disappointment there is discouragement . Where there is discouragement there is depression and at the end there is resentment that causes unloving , un - peaceful , unforgiving , intolerant acts . Then all is in smoke . We can not afford health care for all but we can spend billions in Afghanistan to stabilize their country . We can send a probe to Pluto , but not give all our citizens secure banking . We can spend millions on entertaining movies , but not for keeping our public parks in order and the list goes on and on and on . . . . . . . . . . What is wrong with this picture ? Peace will only come when we want to take care of each other and stop gettPosted by My mother passed away almost 7 years ago . Today I was cleaning out the garage and found yet another note from my mom . Who 's Name ? Mine ? By Ruthie written February 2 , 1995Until I was 65 years old I thought I was named after my God Father 's wife , Ruth Morris , my mother 's matron of honor and wife of my Dad 's friend and best man , Governor Morris , the writer . She was an actress of some repute . My mother told me she was very beautiful . I didn 't know my mother 's younger sister had claimed the name Ruth for her middle name . For years I basked in the lime light of the talented actress , now I had to adjust to " You were named after me ! " from my abstinent Aunt Aldine " Ruth " Henriques Young . I am glad I didn 't know this until this stage of my life . My birth certificate reads : Ruth Underwood Brown - - the Underwood after my Grandmother Brown 's family and my father 's middle name . Mother used to tell me my Grandmother Brown wanted me to be named after Great Aunt Matilda , but they didn 't think " Tilly " was a suitable name for their daughter , but Ruthie stuck . Those who knew me well called me Ruthie - - my Aunt Aurora called me Ruthie until the day she died at 91 years young . I was Ruth Underwood Brown until I was a little past 2 when in the baptismal font in St Patrick 's Church in San Jose I became Ruth Marie Brown . I remember the glow of the stained glass window and my Aunt Aurora holding me . Somewhere in recent years I became just Ruth . Where Ruthie was a term of endearment , Ruth gives deference to my years and status of Great Grandmother . I have always liked my name . It is easy to spell , easy to pronounce , holds some dignity , and rhymes with Truth . So , Ruth Underwood Brown changed to Ruth Marie Brown in 1927 . My named changed again in 1944 at the Navy Chapel in Corpus Christi , Texas to Ruth Marie Brown Byles . Then Ruth Marie Brown Byles Becker has been on my driver 's license since 1980 . I read a tribute my God Father wrote for his Ruth when she died and felt proud to have been named for such a person . My Aunt Aldine lived to 91 years old wiPosted by Wednesday , Aug 12 , makes 7 years of this different life . I know that our bodies change all the cells in it on a 7 year cycle , so I am a completely different person than I was when I got here . Except the ends of my hair which I decided not to cut because there must be a little left of the past . It has changed my perspective to realize this . I am not sure why but it has and I feel different . We will see what the next 7 years brings . I have been talking to 4 teachers , an art teacher in private school , a Spanish teacher and a third grade teacher in public school and a home school teacher . These four people are working very hard to educate our children , but have major problems with the way things are going right now . I wonder if they have thought of this ? Did you ever think that the state of public education was deliberate ? In the 1950 's there was a push for better education . Children were taught to think for themselves and learn what they could with enthusiasm , self discipline and order . But in the 60 's after the Viet Nam War protests and the civil rights demonstrations things changed . Those who were in power saw that an educated public , especially young people , would march in the streets for what they perceived is right . This is how they choose to combat this civil unrest : 1 . Slowly dumb down the books that are required for the young to learn from , removing as much of the meanings as possible and have children learn meaningless facts . 2 Listen to the uneducated and allow them to dilute the professions by giving them special dispensation because they did not know what was required ( no matter what the reason ) . 3 . Require that the higher forms of English not be used In fact don 't require English at all . 4 . Require educated folks to step down the language they use to the level of the majority rather than keeping up a higher standard of communication . 5 . Require that all written forms be in short sentences limited to less than 10 words , use common words not more accurate words , no use of colons , semi - colons , dashes , even descriptive commas , like this , should be discouraged . This will keep the young from understanding even the basics of our nation 's written documents because they will not be able to read the Bill of Rights or the Constitution . 6 . Stop teaching civics , parliamentary procedure or orderly assembly , because if they learned these they would have a means of dealing with their dissatisfaction with the government thus the civil unrest that is to be Posted by If a contractor came upon a prime located property , just what he wanted for a building he had in his mind . Perfect , except that it had been an old creosote factory , and now was used as a dump for unwanted furniture , trash , a few old cars , and smelled to high heaven . And , this same property was a swamp full of dead trees rotting vegetation and filth . And , it also had been a depository for dead cows from the local farms and chicken manure and all manure of farm waste . Even to see what this land could be he had to overlook all the filth ! But , he was a great contractor and could see right past it to the finished building , eco friendly , green roof , undisturbed wet land - - everything . What would he do ? Would he complain about the unknown people who had dumped their unwanted trash , find the farmers that had dumped the dead animals and complain about the way the property had been misused and neglected ? Perhaps , but most likely if he really wanted to build his dream on this property he would negotiate with the city to clean up the property for tax relief , and dumping rights in the city waste disposal . He would get his contractors in to clean up and clear the land , properly dispose of the filth and animal remains and cut down and recycle the trees , clean up and plan around the wet spots , drill holes for pylon supports and plot out what the new building would look like right there . It would be a waste of time and would not get the property fixed for the contractor to complain or even recite what was wrong with the property other than to find folks to clean it up . He would build , build , build ! Too much time is spent reciting what is wrong . See , plan , build , build , build ! It is the way to get things done . This week my apricots come into full ripeness - - soft , juicy , creamy smooth goodness , a real treat in my mouth . I popped the first one into my mouth and my eyes rolled back and closed in pleasure . The full sweetness and soft goodness sent my whole body into a trance . That first bite was delightful . I picked a basket full and made some apricot syrup for the winter all the while popping one or two beauties into my mouth . I could not let all of them go into the jars . The first taste of the cooled syrup was another moment of bliss . I was in culinary heaven . The plums were also ripe , so I made Ginger Plum Sauce and again my taste buds reeled at the first taste of the cooled suace - - spicy , dark plum hit the sides of my mouth like a jolt and suprised me . What a treat on chicken wings or in BarBQ sauce , I thought to myself as I put the jars on the shelf . Then something started to happen as I continued to eat the apricots . They seemed less flavorful , almost watery . I realized that the taste buds had been awakened to the new flavor as a test to see if it was OK to eat . As I ate more my mouth did not need this test , so it quieted down its reaction to the flavor . If I thought hard as I was eating one the flavor came through , but I no longer needed to know if it was Ok to eat . My mouth just ate it for the food value because it knew it was safe . This is why you do not eat special foods regularly . Keeping them for special occasions renews the initial reaction to the flavor and gives you much more pleasure than to eat these foods often and get used to the flavor and then just munch it . Salt is not like that and neither is sugar so every time you " taste " it . But the more delicate unusual the flavor the more you need to have just a little of it once in a while to recieve the same pleasure . Isn 't that like life ? The more you do something the more boring it gets . Maybe the mouth is a lesson . If you are hungry then by all means munch . But , if you want to experience something fully like the first time , do it just a little onece in a while andPosted by I heard an echo today from the pastIts meaning is etched in glassScraping its way into the soulIt mars even the deepest recessesIt yells from deep within the void to harmWhat is this echo ? I ask myself . Why , since it is so hurtful , has it come back to hauntOr rather does it taunt me with its repetition to do something this time ? It called the first time , but I was struck like stoneMy body , mind and soul had no boneSo , I did nothing . I have looked into my soul and found it wanting . Wanting the strength and grit to address this echo now . But how ? What is this echo ? YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE ! This echo 's impact is far and wideIt is part of who we think we areIt is how we assess each otherIt is wrong , hurtful and destroys ! What can be done ? There is always a reason why someone destroys opportunity . It is not done " on purpose " ; it is done in reaction to something . Unless that " something " is addressed the cycle of destruction is repeated over and overAnd then there is the blame . . . You don 't want to succeed . You are just lazy . You can , but won 't do it . Your past is keeping you where you are . I don 't have the time to do anything about it . It is up to you to change . But , underneath the destruction is a " Child " With all the potential he or she was born withStuck in a lie ! It take special attention to reach down and give this " child " a way out . It takes loving them enough to see this " child " , and then work on the way to free him or her from this echo . Bondage comes in many formsThe mind 's bondage is much harder to untie but not impossible . Every day is a new day and that " child " waits in terror . . . for you ! The Gay Community has this right . I used to be called a house wife but that carried with it a demotion to servant . Wife : the one who backs up but has no power in the affairs of her husband . But , Domestic Partner , Well , that is another matter . This implies that there is equality . One partner is the business partner and the other is the domestic partner . Yes ! Domestic Partner ! Equal but very different from the business partner . Yes ! let us " wives " start thinking of ourselves as Partners . What a difference it makes in the way we feel about the things we need to do to keep a home in good working order and the children fed , educated , and healthy . We are then not subject to our husbands but equal . And , we are in an ongoing business of the domestic life of the whole family not just a helper / servant in our households . Yes ! Domestic Partners ! I have just sent off another of my doings . As I let them sit in my house where I could see them for at least the last month , hoping to retain the memory of them ; I realized that I had sent hundreds of these doings off and always forgot that I had done them . Or at least when I saw them again it seemed like someone else surly did it because I could not have done so well . I think the fact is even when they were finished from that moment on it seemed like someone else had done them . I remember the ones that I did poorly much better . The ones that I did exceptionally well are a blur . Why ? Maybe Chani , my son , has put his finger on it with his blog - - - Impostor SyndromeI have been an impostor for most of my life . I am a person , I have known this . But , a mom , teacher , master gardener , director of Young Author 's Conferences , wife , friend , clown , executor of an estate , caretaker for the elderly , seamstress , doll maker , sign language interpreter , artist ? I don 't know . All of these were temporary states in an ongoing consciousness . . . . . . . . . . . Every time I get put in one of these roles I rebel deep inside myself somehow . Like it is strangling me as a person . I can fill those roles for a while but if pressed to continue past whatever internal time my consciousness has given me - - I feel trapped . If I look back on any of these roles I can see the flaws in my performance like lights in the darkness - - every flaw proves I am really an imposter . But the successes ? They dim into oblivion . Maybe that is why I need so much reassurance . And when I don 't get it , I die and so does the since of internal accomplishment . It would be easy to say " Oh , just don 't feel that way ! " , but it hasn 't worked . Interesting insight . I was just listening to James Taylor and he sang this song : The Sun is sinking downBut the Moon is slowly risingThis old World must still be spinning ' roundAnd I still love you . So , close your eyes , You can close your eyes , it 's alright . Oh , I don 't know no love songs , and I can 't sing the blues anymore . . . Sure , but I can sing this songYes and , you can sing this song when I 'm gone . . . I was thinking of the times in any relationship when I could close my eyes and feel that everything was alright because I was loved . There is so much judgment in relationships that there is always the fear of abandonment . Not just of physical leaving , but of the love leaving , the respect leaving , the kindness leaving , the caring leaving that every moment we need to keep our eyes open . Think about this . Do you give those that are around you the feeling they can close their eyes ? Chip A Way ! I cut down a tree branch that was making my yard very dark . It was about 8 feet long , 4 feet high and 6 feet wide . It blocked my way through the yard . I chopped on it in one foot segments , one branch at a time , finding the joints and using the bigger tools to cut the thicker parts . The result was a small 2x2x2 foot pile with still further to go if I wanted to cut every segment into smaller pieces . I thought to myself the dark shadows of our lives are like that . If we take one small piece of it at a time the darkness gives way to the light . Chip away ! The darkness is not as thick as it seems . The Light is there ! To all Moms - - a note from GodI walked out my back door and saw that God had sent us a Mother 's Day bouquet . It was lovely creamed colored roses with edges of pink from being kissed by the sun . Over them rose a Yesterday , Today and Tomorrow with purple , lavender , and pale violet blooms . The dark purple are the baby blooms ; the lavender are a day old ; and the violet blooms are the older one . As the rising sun hit the blossoms I stopped to wonder how could it be that the timing of this event could be Mother 's Day . Then it came to me . Mothers believe and count on yesterday to find joy , they live in today with pleasure and they are the builders of tomorrow . What a joy to know that God knows that and reminded us with such a treat ! Happy Mother 's Day ! April 7th 2009Today I saw the pictures from the Italian earthquake . The houses fallen , the rescuers bringing out the injured , the death toll of 200 so far . The after shocks are still . 5 on the Rictor scale , enough to knock down what is left of the town and stop the rescuers from finding the injured . The sadist part is that a week ago a lone seismologist went around the town with a bull horn warning of the coming earthquake and was stopped from disturbing the peace by the police and his colleagues discounted his evaluation of the danger and everyone - - everyone did nothing ! In the fast 20 years those who have had control , as these colleagues did , of the information about global warming have done the same ! Discrediting those who say there is danger , discounting the loudest voices and put out false information to cover their tactics . Will we all be that stupid to listen to these people who soften the information so it does not scare people ? Will the earth dangers what ever they are in your area go unprepared for ? Will they catch us in our beds like they did yesterday in Italy ? I pray not ! Do what you can to get the most difficult news and protect yourselves . NO FEAR JUST PREPAREDNESS ! New Year 's Resolution Years ago I had this surprising vision of my neighbor 's roof out my kitchen window for a long time I have looked for the same effect and did not see it again . ( Writing that day below ) This morning I looked out and the twinkly little drops were there again . But … it was not the same thrill . Not the same still moment of wonder . Just the roll of the water twinkling in the sun as the frost melted . Then I went outside . It is a frosty day bright , crisp , and cold . I heard the little humming birds tweet in the trees and as I looked to make sure they had nectar in the feeder . A little male flew about 4 feet away from me stopped in mid air to check me out then flew to the feeder and ate . Every once in a while as he licked up the sweet nectar he looked at me to make sure I wasn 't going to get him . As he turned his brilliant ruby throat flashed in the sun . I had the same breathtaking awe as I had when I first saw the drops sparkle in the sun on the frosted roof . I wonder if this is why we get bored . This thrilling realization feeling is very intoxicating . The exhilaration of seeing something for the first time is quite amazing and the desire to repeat it is almost irresistible . But is there a down side to this ? As I experienced with the roof the second time is not as powerful . In fact it is a bit flat . I wonder if looking at that roof again will ever feel like the first time . Enjoying the moments that come our way as the flash of red of the hummingbird 's throat or the sparkles on the roof were are the highlights in the painting of life . Those moments that stand out to give us pleasure while the rest of life is being lived . I will enjoy the moments as they come and find pleasure in the things that are not flashy . This will make all of life worthwhile . 2006A Black RoofNight falls - A Sun dried black roof sits in the amber glow of the streetlights . Slowly tiny white fingers creep across the dark granular surface turning it into an invisible gray . The black roof is perched chilled in the amber glow waitingPosted by

J calls me the dork to the tenth power , a nerdy nerd and I think I am , really am in a way . I guess when I get bored with the very normal life I get a little insane . I believe all of us have some kind of insanity within us that we sometimes fail to admit . As I have said before , what is normal in this crazy world anyway ? Okey , I have these weird peculiar habits that annoys J so often . I love kissing and smelling his ears . I would go for the ear first . I also think it 's weird but I am hooked to it . I don 't really know why I am so fond of the ears . He would tell me " You are bizzare - O ! " I also like to bite and it annoys him so much . I would bite him everytime he extends a part of his body like his arm or his shoulders . I might bite hard sometimes that he jerks in pain and warn me to back off . I know , it is weird , it 's like my teeth are itchy and I have to bite . There 's also this strange incidents of me laughing uncontrollably , it 's like I almost couldn 't stop it then I started crying . And I mean really cry . I know of course that sometimes when people laugh and can 't stop laughing they could have tears swelling , but mine is different . There are times that I keep laughing and can 't help it and it continous until I start crying uncontrollably . It sounds crazy , isn 't it ? What do you call that ? Laughing Syndrome ? It happened maybe for the third time now , only this time I know what 's gonna happen so I tried to compose myself and I didn 't cry this time . I was already on my way to work and there 's still that laugh inside trying to burst out even the thought of it now makes me smile . If I think of it , there wasn 't even something funny . Oh well , those crazy moments do happen . ever wonder what causes hiccups ? Maybe the thing with that laughing syndrome has similar thing with that of the hiccups . I mean the body can do a lot of these little noises like burp and fart and hiccup and yawn even the popping of the knuckles or the back . Of course the pipe at our throat makes most the noise from shout to scream to whisper . But some other parts of our bodies also makes even weird noises just like the blowing of the nose . There are of course some noises that the body causes that are unmentionables . Why am I talking about all these things forgive me . It all started from the laughing syndrome . I know I have been away too long . Sometimes i just get lazy . I know even if I have some ideas to write , I just get lazy . Or sometimes , I just have nothing to write . Sometimes I just wanted to think alone by myself . Take a day or days off from thinking out loud and just think in silence me and myself . Well , there are times of course that there are a lot of things going on , a lot of overwhelming feelings that no words can just describe them , so no use writting them down , otherwise it will just be plain blank . f I were a painter I could just paint them . I 'm wondering who could have missed me or my writtings . If there are , I 'm sorry for the delay . I just took some days off from my log and got away from my keyboard for a few days . It 's flattering to just think that there are invisible readers , even if there were none really . It 's just to feed the brain to keep popping things to discuss or to talk about . That 's something great about this virtual world we are in . One does not have to personally meet people to be able to voice out what 's in the mind . With the modern technology people could be able to talk virtually to the rest of the world . Do dreams really mean anything . This is a topic that has fascinated me for months now . I am a lucid dreamer myself and a lot of my dreams puzzles me . I wake up some mornings with weird feelings from my dreams . Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I couln 't tell if I was even asleep or awake . Some dreams turns out into nightmares , but those are just a few cases with me . Nightmares but not that too scary . Most of the time I enjoy my adventures into dreamland . From most of the dreams I have had , I could say that they are predictions of what is to happen . Mostly symbolic in nature . Some of course just resemble my mood / feelings the night before . One of the places we have been to during the last few weeks was the MUSEUM OF AVIATION in Warner Robins , Georgia . One of the biggest museum of aviation in the world which houses a lot of the artifacts and aircrafts used during the World War II and other wars like the Korean , Vietnam and the Cold war . Actually J was born within the Robins Airforce Base . His dad was in the military and he spent a lot of his childhood days within the Airforce Bases . It is a spectacular view once you are above viewing all the aircrafts . It 's even awesome to be able to stand next to these humungous aircrafts . I felt so tiny amongst these monstrous engines . Of course I took some pictures . And I will be adding some more later . I love fall . When I went out this morning I felt the cool breeze , evident of the change in the season . I love it when it is so temparate , not too cold , not too hot . I had been wanting to go out to the mountains maybe , climb the mountains or go camping . Maybe we 'll have the chance this fall . I love trail hiking , just wandering into the woods and actually experience nature first hand . Most of all I adore the mountains . It has it 's magnificent powers over nature . It 's this feeling of being at the peak overlooking everything else . This is what I seek in places to live . I love lakes , mountains , forests / woods , if possible a place where there are a lot of flora and fauna . Actually I am planning to put up a whole garden within and outside my home if we ever get a permanent one . I love plants , from vines to foliage to almost anything green and brown . I treat my plants like people would treat thier pets . I pamper them and takes very good care of them . Just the other day we just harvested two red ripe tomatoes from my tomato plants . There are still eleven others still green and growing . The lucky bamboos that was given to me as a gift on my birthday died , they turned brown . Now I bought three more and added to the remaining two left . One is a curled one . I also have another pot full of lucky bamboo in my dining area . I have had them since last year . They still look so robust and green . Perhaps I do have a green thumb . I am worried that some of my plants will not thrive in winter time . My aloe vera plants died last winter . They got frozen when I left them outside in the patio . I would have to keep myself from buying some more plants because of the change in weather . Perhaps I should just get some woody plants that could stand the weather . One thing I miss back home is being able to " mangapit - bahay " ( chitchatting / hanging around with neighbors ) . Friends can be found everywhere , but in the Philippines you could meet people and make friends easily . People hang out with thier nieghbors as part of the family . I remember I used to make some Filipino food and bring some to the next door nieghbor and hang out . Just chatting or just doing stuff . Of course people still do that here in the Us but not as much because of the busy life . People does not necessarily meet a lot of people because most of the time they are in thier cars or in thier homes . I have a co - worker , a Korean guy who has an uncle in the Philippines and he said that if he were to choose , he would love to live and stay in the Philippines because he could make a lot of friends there . He finds Philippines a nicer place to live compared to living in the US . One thing I miss is the slower pace of life in the Philippines . Here in the US , people are always in a hurry . It 's like work , work , work is the life here . People has to pay years of mortgages , car insurances , bills , bills , bills never ending bills months after months . It 's so much into paying bills and not enough time to enjoy life . Well , anyway that 's just my observations . That 's why people does not have time anymore to socialize and meet thier nieghbors because they are always busy . Often times they don 't even know thier nieghbors . It seems that people here doesn 't even want to meet and hang around with nieghbors . It 's the total opposite of what I was brought up to . Let 's go back to our topic on friends . Can miles truly separate you from friends . . . . If you want to be with someone you love , aren 't you already there ? ~ Richard Bach ~ Sometimes I feel like the distance have separated me with my friends . In spirit of course I always want to reach to them and bond with them . But the distance has worn out the bond that was built for many years . After long years , it seems that we are strangers to each other . beliefs , cultures have changed and it 's hard to reach out and meet halfway . I long for the day to be able to go to where they are and meet them physically and see what happened to thier lives , to see the changes in them and thier lives . I 'm sure even the place , my town has a lot of changes . People growing up , new kids brought up , cultures evolved and a lot of changes . It would be fascinating to be back home and see the changes after years of being away . I was watching star treck and I was fascinated about thier technology in the show where they could beam themselves and go to another planet . It would be very nice to have that technology at present . I would be able to beam myself right to my hometown for a day , then be back in a few minutes in the US . That would be perfect . But I wonder when will they ever make that technology possible . Maybe in my second lifetime . Meanwhile , I just keep dreaming at this present lifetime . posted by Beth Wilson @ 10 : 42 AM I have made my own sushi today . I learned just by watching . The only problem making my own is that I can 't avail of all the raw fish and raw seafoods . But I opted to using shrimp and crab sticks . Well , in making sushi , one should have the following ; sushi mat , nori or the roasted seaweed , sushi rice or Jasmine rice , wasabi , and pickled ginger . For the whole materials and process for rolling your own sushi you could always look up in the internet or look up in some sushi recipe books . I haven 't had the taste for raw fish , like raw salmon , raw tuna before , but I have learned eating sushi during my stay in Hongkong . It is actually good . I also like raw mussels and raw oysters . The thing is they have to be really fresh and kept in freezers and fridge because it can cause poisoning . Raw seafoods have to be handled with extra care . One could put almost any seafood , any flavor in the sushi . For my own sushi rolls I used cream cheese , thinly sliced carrots and cucumber , romaine lettuce , avocado , crab sticks and deep fried battered shrimp . Some of my favorite seafood in my sushi sashimi are barbeque eel , salmon , tuna and red snapper . Before starting to make your own sushi , one should know the things you would need . Me , I have started mine just because I have been watching the sushi chefs . I haven 't read any books and haven 't researched in the internet . Now , I have to go back at the grocery store for the nth time to buy NORI . My husband is getting pissed off after I had him drive all over town to buy the ingredients I needed . We went to three Asian stores and two regular grocery stores in order to have all the necessary materials for sushi . But now , I don 't have to spend so much to eat sushi . They are not cheap , but I think it is cheaper to make your own . It is even better if you are close to the coast where seafoods are cheaper and fresher . I think I am more an adventure eater than my husband . He is slightly squimish . But I think I could almost eat anything . I have eaten bugs when I was young and they didn 't taste bad . I like grilled & roasted . This sushi making is another adventure for me . It is fun at the same time I learn new stuff . Maybe On J 's birthday I will make some and let my in - laws taste them and see how they like my sushi . I have this black hollow feeling , a dark tunnel within that I couldn 't describe . I have been in a terrible mood to J , I even refused to apologize for my bad attitude . I felt okey when I woke up but later on , I felt this black hole siphoning the life out of me . I guess I just have the blahs . I haven 't had this feeling in a while though . Don 't you have those feelings of " nothingness " sometimes ? While I am feeling nothing , I try to think of something . I am actually thinking of a very good friend whom I have tried calling and frustration sets in because it seems the phone is working but it seems she couldn 't hear me , yet I could hear her voice . Ah ! so near yet so far . I haven 't talked to her in a long time . And it actually makes me a little sad because she 's the only person whom I feel so close to , yet it seems I am losing her . Maybe it 's me , maybe it 's just my feelings but we don 't talk like we would share every volume of our lives just like before . She doesn 't call and doesn 't write anymore . I just hope that she is doing well . And that she 's not avoiding conversing with me because she is in some life crisis . Perhaps the distance has gradually broke us apart . - 0000 - Hold me now , I 'm six feet from the edge and I 'm thinking . . . . . it 's over now . Well , that 's a portion of the song ONE LAST BREATHE by CREED . I actually like some of thier songs . I also like JEWEL . I llike some of her songs . I like this one . Here 's a quiz what kind of jewel you are . Below is the result of the quiz I took . I mean not the singer jewel , but jewel , the gem . You 're a Diamond . You seem like a cold and anunreachable person outside , yet you arebeautiful inside and outside . You may bestubborn at times . You act with grace andelegance and you are a precious asset to allyour friends . - - Grandma Moses Here 's a song composed by J . The lyrics were inspired by two different songs . He made his own version . He even made a tape of it and edited it . His thoughts while making this song was actually his upcoming birthday . He dreads the fact that he is turing thirty on the 22nd of this month . He says that you can 't hold the moment , nothing waits for anybody . One way motor run - simply means that he is going in one direction and there 's no U - turn . No going back . When you find your way home its the best you can be . Lost out on the highway aint the place for me . I close my eyes then I realize I wont see you again . If i find my peace of mind I 'll blow back with the wind . . . I 'm , I 'm a one way motor run . I 'm a new day shinning on , one more time . I 'm , I 'm a one way motor run . I 'm the road less travelled on , I do it all the time . When you find your way home its the best you can be . Lost out on the highway aint the place for me . I close my eyes then I realize I wont see you again . If i find my peace of mind i 'll blow back with the wind . . . I 'm , I 'm a one way motor run . I 'm a new day shinning on , one more time . I 'm , I 'm a one way motor run . I 'm the road less travelled on , I do it all the time . We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success . We often discover what will do , by finding out what will not do ; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery . ~ Samuel Smiles ~ I try to enjoy other people 's interesting lives . I mean , just by merely listening to thier stories tells a lot about what kind of life they live and what kind of persons they are . Although I am not so quick to judge other people . I don 't really judge them . I just try to analyze them how they tell thier lives and how they appear to be . Most of the time they want to portray themselves of what they think is ideal . Others of course just face you with thier real face . Others in a mask , still some others try to alter thier image to decieve you . Physical image can be so decieving . I know a lot of people are not really what they appear to be . People 's lives have amused me in a lot of ways . Others leave me intrigued , curious , fascinated , bewildered . Others just leave and gone . One time , I commented " hieght doesn 't matter " . And I firmly believe that . I am small . A guy called me " shorty " at work . It 's actually the second time a guy commented on my height . I told him " I am not short , I 'm just cute " ! And really I do believe that I can do well as much as any tall or average women . I even think I can do better . I think I am not just boosting my ego , but I really believe in it . It 's the power of the mind . " If you think BIG , big things can happen " . With the many people I met , I have discovered that tall people may not really feel tall inside . There are small people that stands tall amongst the crowd and of course there are some that really are as they appear to be . There are people also that tries so hard to put color to thier lives , instead they are painting thier lives black . It 's pathetic . I mean they wanted so much to be interesting , they put all kinds of stunts , but deep within thier life seems so bland . I guess these are the people who are trying to find happiness in the wrong places . There are people of course that I have encountered that have left lasting imprints in me . It is very rare but magical . And I would love to meet more people that have magics in their words and actions . Flatter me , and I may not believe you . Criticize me , and I may not like you . Ignore me , and I may not forgive you . Encourage me , and I will not forget you . Love me and I may be forced to love you . Laughter trully has therapuetic effects . It feels so much better working when people we work with have sense of humor . It 's almost like playing . I don 't feel worn out when I am having fun at work . If we could hold on to these moments when we are having fun , it would be great . But life goes on a cycle , and nothing stays forever . All things move forward / regress , change . We can 't take a hold of a good moment in the palm of our hands . They just come and go just like the wind that comes and goes . But I believe we could keep great moments in our hearts and minds . It 's the pages of our lives we should ear mark on the chapters of our lives to revisit time and time again , especially during the most trying times . LAUGHTER lightens our hearts , our lives and seems to make life better . We laugh , we cry , we frown , we make faces . But it 's laughter that heals a lot of the worlds physical , psychological , emotional social and spiritual illnesses . Laughter keeps us alive and enthusiastic . So laugh out loud and keep that laughing . Allow your brain to be tickled from time to time . It 's good for you . I didn 't do anything yesterday but read . I finnished the book at three o ' clock in the morning . It was a book by Sigmund Brouwer , OUT OF THE SHADOWS . It is almost a tragedy , but not really . It 's also a christian fiction written in the first person . When I started to read it , the series emotions in the book starting to almost envelope me . When I was reading DREAMSIDE by Graham Joyce . It felt so real to me . The story was so vivid or was it my imagination ? I was reading it at night and I was so scared to go to sleep since the book was all about dreams . I even stopped reading it because I was alone . When I was going up to our room , the darkness frieghtened me . J forgot to turn on the night light . I even gave him a hard time for that because I was really terrified . I had the urge to wake him up , but I fought the idea . He hates being woke up . It took me a while to go to sleep . I just stared into the darkness of the room and almost jumped at every movement I noticed . I am glad it was only for one night . Otherwise sleeping would be a torture . For now , I always look forward to going to sleep . I love the idea of dreaming . And I mean nice dreams . It 's almost like I visit other places in my dreams . Other dimensions . Some places out of this world . Most of the people I see in my dreams are people I know in my hometown . Last night I saw Veamora , my neighbor back in the Philippines . She was smiling at me . Then there was shift in the scene , I was walking by a road , it was raining . Then the scene shifted again . I was at a bottom of a hill . Everywhere on the slope of the hill were glasses , but it was not whole , they werelike cut on the side . There were flowers and something red placed on them , like vases . I walked up the hill and reached the top . There was a man . And he showed me my three green pepper plants . He said he pruned them . He was about to cut some more but I prevented him . Then the scene shifted again and I was by a gate . I went in , and there was another gate I keep openning wooden gates after another . The gates where in an open field . There were events that seems vague and can 't be described . But that 's what I can remember of my dream from last night . I wonder what it means . Last Saturday night I had a dream . In my dream I saw my brothers . They hugged me sweetly . I felt thier affection . They looked great . In that dream they were supposed to be my brothers but they don 't look like my brothers . In that dream I was hanging around with one of my brothers , we were just talking and having a good time . I wondered what it meant . When I went to work that day I saw Ms . Jung 's two sons running around . They look so cute . I wanted to pinch them . And that day too I had a good time at work with my co - workers chatting and teasing and joking around . I believe that my dream was just a symbolism of what was gonna happen to me or whom I will meet that day . Although in my dream , the feelings are more intense . In real time it wasn 't , but I did had a good time . I know that significant dreams leave me an intense emotion after waking up . I know then that it is a significant dream . To dream is like walking between a thin line of imagination and reality . I mean there seems to be a thin curtain that separates the real world and beyond , whatever there is beyond . But I believe that whatever happens during our dreams has something to do with our real life .

Earlier this year I got a call from a trucking company to shoot their promotional calendar . Each year they do a large calendar with an image of their truck somewhere in the NW , since that is there main service area . After a few phone calls with them and looking at their past calendars , I felt I had a good idea of what they were looking for and offered up a few ideas for locations . After getting a number for their budget , I started brainstorming if it was even doable , and how . Like most smaller companies now a days , they didn 't have much to spend , so I had to cut out location scouting and really couldn 't have a crew , so shooting the truck on location was out of the question . Permit costs , traffic control , hotels , grip truck , lighting ect all were not possible with their budget . Not a huge problem , just makes it tricky and limits what your able to do . So , given what we had to work with , shooting the background and striping the truck in later seemed like the best way to go . That way I could do it most all by myself and cut a lot out of the overall cost . They are a great company and the client was super cool to work with so I wasn 't worried about the budget . I just needed to work within it as best as possible and hopefully give them a great shot to use for there calendar . The first thing to think about when looking into a location for the shoot was the size of the truck . What ever background we choose needed a big section of open road and lots of room to get back far with the camera . Having shot hundreds of bike and car ads over the last 20 years , I had a ton of location files to pull from , but very few would work because of the size of the vehicle . Well , since there was no budget for scouting , picking a location got a little tricky . Just looking at location files and web pics gives you an idea of what the overall look of the location may be , but a semi trick and trailer take up a lot of room and it 's really hard to tell if it will work without being there in person . Since we were going to be stripping the truck in later we didn 't have to worry about things like bridge weight limits , low overpasses , vehicle length limits , permit issues ect so that part was good . After doing some research and offering up a few suggestions , a Mt scene was decided on for the background . They were very open to about anywhere I would like to go , and for the most part left it up to me to pick a good spot . Well , around 10 years ago , I had worked on a shoot in the North Cascades and knew of a great shot up the Mt Baker HWY with a view from Picture Lake with Mt Shuksan in the background . I was shooting ads for Yamaha up there and couldn 't remember if a semi would fit on the road ? So I started looking online for shots of the lake and the Mt . The problem was , most all the pics out there don 't show the road to the left of the lake . Even the Washington film Commission didn 't have a shot that showed if there was a road there or not . But , after much looking I ran across a shot online that showed that yes , you could see the road , and it looked like a big enough area for a semi truck . Once I had seen this I felt the area could work , but was still a little skeptical since there is nothing in the shot to show scale . Without a budget to go up and tech scout it I was a little nervous , but the client lived up close to the area and said he would go check it out . Before he left , I gave him a list of things to check for while he was there . Since Mt Shuksan is about an 8 hr drive from my home in West Linn , weather was my biggest concern . Mt weather is always a big worry on photo shoots , especially when its a scenic shot and pretty much requires a good day with a clear view . I could always strip in a nice sky , I just need to make sure I could see the Mt , and at that high of elevation , you just never know ! I will freely admit that I got pretty lucky here . There drive up took WAY longer than expected and I started getting worried I may not make it before the light left the road and the lake , leaving me with a super contrasty scene . That can be overcome with multi exposures , but I wanted to get a good variety of looks , and direct late light on the water and road was something I for sure did not want to miss . As it turned out , I arrived just in the nick of time . I quickly parked my Jeep , grabbed my gear and ran as fast as I could down to the the edge of the lake . I got set as quickly as possible and fired off a quick bracket , and then just that quickly , the shadow from the Mt behind me came over the road and I lost the direct light . I did get the shot , and it was with the latest light of the day , so I guess I at least saved myself some editing time ! Obviously , this next image is way to contrasty in one exposure . The road and area where the truck would be is way to dark . So , shooting off a tripod to keep the camera perfectly still , I shot a wide bracket of exposures to get both the detail in the bright sky and detail in the dark shadows . My plan had been to shoot the late light till into the evening then stay the night and shoot sunrise the next morning before heading back home . So after a few hr I ran out of light and headed down the hill for some dinner in Glacier . After some great pizza and live music , I headed back up the Mt and slept in my Jeep in the parking lot by the lake . This shot above was in almost total darkness , and with the naked eye , it looked totally clear out with no clouds in site . When the first 30 sec exposure came up on the back of the camera I was really surprised to see all this color . Ever since I had woke up I was thinking it would be a clear and boring sunrise , but this gave me hope . And as luck would have it , it just got better and better . More and more clouds came up from the backside of the Mt just as the sun was coming up . I don 't think if I ordered a sunrise it could have been any more amazing than the one I was getting . A few 5 stop brackets from 2 different locations , and I new I had a shot my client would be really happy with . # 2 , Camera and road hight . This was somewhat easy as I was pretty much level with the road so I just needed a camera hight . If there was much of a hight difference I would need to adjust for that later when shooting the truck . If I shot to high or to low then the final striped shot would not look real . # 6 , Distance to the road . This part was tricky as I couldn 't just pace it off , what with the water and all . So I made a guess as to the distance , but more importantly , I parked my Jeep on the road where I felt the truck would go . Then I shot an image from each of the locations and each focal length I had used . That way I would have something good to use as a scale when I set up the semi later . I had a few ideas from past shoots over the years around the Portland area , and set out one day to check them out . A few I felt could almost work , but the areas were just not quite big enough , or didn 't have open areas facing the light to make it work correctly . Another area would have worked great for the light , but there were to many things around to worry about reflections in the side of the truck . So after a few calls and some more brainstorming , I came up with a great spot , and it was even free . They had a huge parking area that was very seldom used , it was pretty level , and I could angle the truck perfect to match the light I needed for the direct light strip . The other two were not near as critical since the light was so soft , but the direct light shot needed to be really close to make it work right . I arrived plenty early this time and set up the camera and used traffic cones to section off the angle and area where truck would be . This was a huge benefit since the driver was over an hr late . But since I had got there early and had all my info from the background shoot , we were able to pull him right into place and start shooting within minutes . When I started shooting , I slowly worked my way from a profile view to the front of the truck , shooting about every 10 feet or so as I went . This way I would be able to match up the exact angle I would need for the road later . This is really important because if the angle of the truck was off just a little , it would look like it was not sitting correctly on the road . Always better to have to many options than not enough . After the sun went down and I felt we had both direct and soft light from the parking lot , we moved out to the access road to shoot another setup . While the light here was great , I couldn 't get back as far without getting the grass coming up into the tires . So I went as far as I could , knowing this was just a bonus set up . After the client picked their favorite background , the rest was somewhat simple . The multi exposures were layered together and the truck was lined out and color corrected . Then we just layered it into the shot and added a reflection . The upper parts of the HWY and the road to artist point are some of the most scenic areas I have ever been to in the entire country . The views are amazing and truly must been seen for your self to really understand the beauty and wonder of the area . An absolute must do for anyone who loves the outdoors , photography , hiking and climbing . Ya , I know its the NW , so good luck with that right ! But hay , it 's kinda like the lottery . If you don 't by a ticket , you got no chance to win . The hike up is pretty steep , gaining about 1 , 700 feet elevation in under 3 miles , and really slippery in lots of places . If you have them , bring along some trek poles . I brought mine and am really glad I did ! Just walking with a totally rebuilt right side is hard enough some days , but hiking up a steep and slippery trail with a load of camera gear would have been brutal for me without trek poles . As you near the top , the landscape offers a little of everything . There are lots of wild flowers , grassy hills , open views and big cliff drop offs . A tip for those that are afraid of highs , you may want to forget this hike . While not to bad , there are a few places that could freak someone out . When I reached the summit , the mist cleared off for a few minutes and I was able to see to the coast . And while i 'm happy it did , i 'm also glad it only lasted a few minutes , because when it cleared up , the area lost all it 's mystery . I had really liked not knowing what was out there and felt the images would be more powerful if they held that mystery as well . So , I was really pleased when the mist rolled back in thicker than ever . It just gave the area this quality of drama that a clear sky never could . How to get there . . . . . off of HWY 26 . Take lots of water and trek polls if you have them . And unless your in great shape , pack light on the camera gear . Having ridden and hiked in this area many times before , I was really looking forward to heading back . The Gifford Pinchot / Mt Adams area is such a beautiful place . The trails run across many hi ridges with amazing views , and there are also quite a few lakes for camping and fishing . In the middle of summer the misquotes are brutal , but come Fall , you would be hard pressed to find a more peaceful , scenic place anywhere in the country . While I for sure wanted to get some ridding in , photography was my main focus for the day . So I continued to shoot around this area for a little while . But once the sun came up , I packed up a pretty full load of camera gear , along with a tripod into my backpack , hopped on my bike and headed for the hills . The motorcycle trails in the Mt Adams area offer about as good of riding as anywhere in the country . The trails are steep and at times very difficult and dangerous , but you are reworded with scenery on a grand scale . Which of course , is why I chose to go there . Great ridding along with amazing scenery makes for a happy adventure photographer ! Well , right off I realized I had to change my plain a bit . I was ridding solo and had quite a load of gear , so hitting some of the expert trails was not going to be such a good idea , especially with a major storm coming in later that night . So , after hitting a few of the lower easier trails , I stuck mostly to the back country roads and zig zagged my way over to Sunrise . But , I new the light would be gone quick , so I didn 't waist any time . I grabbed my gear , headed to the edge of the lake and shot a few images right away that didn 't need any setup . I didn 't want to miss out on the nice light and figured something simple would be better than nothing . Once I new I had a few good shots in the bag , it was time to set up the shot I had planned on all along , but was already a bit late for when I first arrived . I had all the gear I needed , but by getting there a little late , I new it would require a little photoshop trickery later in post . Not to be fooled by mother nature , I went straight to work . First off , I needed to set it up quick and get a shot off while there was still a little light on the trees and nice light on the Mt . With the camera on a tripod , I shot the dark exposures first so I didn 't loose the light , and bracketed in 1 / 3 stops with the shutter speed . It 's important when creating a layered image this way that you use the shutter speed , not the aperture for the exposure bracket . Changing the aperture can cause the multiple images to not aline correctly . As you can see here , since I arrived a bit late and the sun was gone from the foreground , there was a massive exposure difference between the foreground and the background . So , once I had the dark exposure for the sky and the Mt , I then shot a much lighter exposure for me , the bike and the campground . Again , I shot in 1 / 3 stop brackets so I could later pick the best exposures to blend together . Once I felt I had all the exposures I needed , I packed up and headed back to the truck . It was a long cold ride but I was excited to get off the Mt before the storm hit . Plus , I couldn 't wait to get back and create the final image from all the exposures I had made . I new it would take a little while at the computer , but I felt the final image could be really nice . While out adventuring around one day taking the back road up to Trillium Lake , I drove through a little area of cabins just outside of town . As the road dead ended I saw what looked like a trail head so I hopped out to check it out . What I found was this cool foot bridge that lead from the cabins over the river and right into the center of town ! As I crossed the bridge I couldn 't believe I found my self standing practically right on HWY 26 . I had drove by this bridge well over 100 times over the years and had no idea it was there . Grabbing my camera and leaving the tripod behind , I rushed out onto the bridge and shot a few quick shots . It was so pretty and the conditions were just amazing but I new it wouldn 't last . Earlier , as I was driving out , I had passed some people walking towards the bridge and I wanted to make sure I got some shots before they got there . And , sure enough , just after I shot a few frames and was reaching in my bag to change lenses , two kids came running around the corner and proceeded to run across the bridge knocking off all the fresh snow , totally ruining the shot in a matter of seconds . BUT , by getting there early , and shooting quickly , I had got the shot that just moments later was ruined forever . After talking a bit and throwing around a few ideas , we decided to do some environmental portraits to showcase him out doing what he loves . 4 wheeling ! Since his work requires him to wear a suit and tie , I suggested he bring that along as an alternative to the usual Carhart dirt cloths . I liked the idea of showing both sides of his life in one image . Thinking about locations , I new I wanted an area that would offer lots of different set ups . Mud holes , forest trails and Mt viewpoints were all on my list , and there was one place that I new would work out great , Goat Mt ! Located a little SW of Estacada OR , Goat Mt is little known , but offers a great variety of things to do . There are 4x4 trails , hiking trails , view points and a nice little lake at the base of the Mt . A perfect area for a fun off road shoot . So a few weeks later we headed out in his old Jeep with a minimal amount of photo gear . I knew we would be getting dirty and muddy so I packed as light as possaible to keep the damage to my gear to a minimum . After stoping and shooting at a few different locations down low on the Mt , we decided to get out of the trees and head to the top to get some nice light . Once to the top I found a nice open area and had him pull the Jeep into position first . I find it 's always best to set the foreground subject up then work the rest of the shot after . Lighting was going to be an issue as I only brought one strobe , so it was time to brain storm a little and get creative . I could make the one light work , I just needed to shoot multiple exposures with the light positioned in different locations . Then later in post , I could put them all together and create the shot I envisioned , but did not bring the gear to create all at once . First off , after the Jeep was in position , I moved Al into place and had the light set up . This first shot was to act as my base image that all the other exposures would be built around . A tripod here is a must ! To shoot for a multilayered image , there must be no movement between frames . Otherwise the images wont line up correctly later in post . Next came the light for the tire . Leaving the camera set , I had the light moved to a more incident angle . This way it offered much more shape and detail to the tread and gave the lighting a much better overall feel . I also wanted to have a little more light in the front , but not so much that it drew to much attention . Just a little detail so that I could layer it into the final shot and give it some shape and deffinition . All the while making sure the original position of the camera stayed exactly the same . Once I felt I had all the lighting setups that I would need to create the final image , we packed up and headed home . I new that I would need a different sky , but no worries as I had lots of sky shots to pick from back at the studio . So , once back , I searched some of my stock images and came up with a sky shot that I felt would work well , add some drama , yet still lend a natural feel to the over all shot . Now for the tricky part . Once back at the studio and on the computer , I took my favorite peaces of each exposure and layered them together . By doing this I was able to create a much better shot than I would have been able to capture in one frame out in the field . With just a tripod , one light , some photoshop software and a little foresight , I was able come away with a shot that my friend was really happy with , and a nice addition to my portfolio . Last Sunday my buddy Matt and I got a bit of a late start to the day , but we were both itching to ride . So since its the closest , we decided to hit the Browns Camp OHV area in the Tillamook State Forest . It 's just one of the many OHV parks near the Portland area and has many great trails to choose from . Once we arrived at the staging area we quickly checked out the trail map and figured out a nice 40 mile loop that would cover some fun terrain but still get us back to the truck before dark . Up until this point we had shot a few of the usual trail side pics , but I felt this was an extra cool spot and really wanted to capture a nice image to show off how unique it was . So we pulled off the trail and started walking around and looking at it from all angles . It was such a neat location , it looked cool from just about anywhere , but I kept going back to the big root system . I just loved how the roots looked so intricate , yet so old and moss covered . So , after playing around with a few ideas , I moved my bike onto the trail under the downed tree and composed a shot . Next comes the tricky part , exposure ! Its a dark grey day and i 'm in a dense forest with no tripod . And I am using a cell phone . Aghh ! ! ! Of course it would be nice to lean against something to help hold still , but the angle I wanted offered no such help . So , pulling a few tricks from my many years on location , I came up with 3 helpful ideas to make sure I got the shot . First , if you have a smart phone , use a timer . There are many apps out there that have a timer ( I used Canopy for iphone for this ) and they can really help out . By setting the timer to 5 seconds , I was able to settle down and hold still while the camera fired , thus eliminating the wiggle that always occurs when you hit the capture button . Second , I picked a little darker exposure than the camera auto settings was giving me , thus getting a little faster shutter speed . I new as long as I could get it sharp , I could always make it a little brighter later . And third , I shot lots of pics . Ha , simple I know but effective . I figured I would have a better chance of 1 in 5 being sharp than 1 in 1 . So I shot the same shot 5 times , hoping that one would come out good , and sure enough the 4th one was the winner . Once back home I pulled the pic up on my computer and did a little post work to the shot . Cell phone 's tend to wash out colors and seem to lack the punch of a DSLR . So I just went in and added a little saturation and contrast to liven it up a bit . This can be done many different ways and with many different software 's , but I really like " onOne software " for enhancing these types of images . Within just a few minutes I was able to look through some of their presets in Perfect Effects , choose the ones I liked and apply them . Makes for a very quick and easy work flow . Well , thats it for now . Hope some of these tips help you out in the future . And always remember , don 't just take a picture , MAKE it . If its a nice shot , take the time to make it great . Not sure whats up next ? A climbing trip to smith rocks , a kayak trip down the Tualatin River or maybe a trip to the lava tube caves ? Stay tuned because what ever it is , it should be fun !

I have a few minutes here to sneak in a quick post while I wait for the kids to fall to sleep , then I 'll be back visiting with the in - laws , so I thought I 'd share Sketch # 20 that Heather so creatively put together for us ! You can find it at Heather 's blog , Miracle 's Momma 's Designs , along with everyone else 's interpretation of this beautiful sketch ! If you have the time , you should definitely drop by and see what they 've done ! The girls ' favourite past time these days is pretending to be ' Super Bunny ' ( yes , the same super bunny from Max and Ruby ) . I have to admit , its pretty adorable when they scoot around the house , yelling ( at the top of their lungs ) , ' super bunny - - to the rescue ! ! ' Makes my heart melt and giggles overflow at the same time ! What makes it even better - - their super hero CAPES that their mama - in a rare stroke of sheer genius - fetched from her linen closet . It absolutely makes it more believable now ! I used my cricut to cut the ' blast ' shapes , as well as the clouds and stars , then I used my cuttlebug to emboss the clouds for a little more interest and dimension . The stars , and banner on which the photos are matted are all made from scraps ! And , if you look really hard , I punched out two small circle shapes , in which you 'll find BUNNIES ! ! Yup , that 's right , I was pretty stoked when I realized that particular scrap of patterned paper had little bunnies on them . I sincerely struggled with the layout I 'm sharing with you today . I had a few ideas in the attic , but none of them really wanted to cooperate . After mulling it over at my desk for a couple of hours last night , I went to bed - still contemplating . I promised myself that I would find the time on Monday to google butterfly images and see what I could come up with . Hopefully everything else would just fall into place . Fall into place is exactly what it did ! It wasn 't until later this afternoon that I had the chance to sit at the computer for a bit and search for images of butterflies . The one I chose you can find here : http : / / butterflywebsite . com / clipart / butterf17 . gif I printed it off at 125 or 150 % resolution ( I can 't remember anymore - it was soooo long ago ) , cut it out and traced it onto the pieces of ( scrap ) patterned paper I wanted to use . I traced it a number of times , cut them out , and arranged them on my white card stock in a diagonal pattern across the page , surrounding the picture I wanted to use . I did . not . like . it . I just wasn 't feeling it . ( That was actually plan b - - plan a is what you see at the top of this post ) . So , I brushed them all off my card stock , then placed four of them above my photo . I immediately knew that was the direction I wanted to go in ! ( The only problem was I really wanted to stitch the trails the butterflies travelled on , but as you are aware , I am not confident in my stitching abilities . So , instead , I doodled them ! Problem solved . ) I scrap lifted this idea from Kelly Klapstein . I do believe she calls this the ' morse code ' technique . You can find it on her layout called " Fearless " , which is on page 113 of the newest Canadian Scrapbooker magazine . I filled in the dots after I had the lines drawn on the page . I felt it helped ' complete ' it a little better . So you don 't have to squint , this is what it says : " Beautiful and graceful , varied and enchanting , small but approachable , butterflies lead you to the sunny side of life . And everyone deserves a little sunshine . " ( Jeffrey Glassberg ) How fitting for my Maren dearest ! She is our little ray of sunshine , anyways ! But , I know that in a few years ' time , I may forget exactly what the story is behind the photo , so I added a bit more journalling to the top of my page : Her cousins also had face painting at their birthday party , and I asked her if she wanted to get her face painted . Oh , she was all for it - - until the air from the air brush started blowing . She had an honest to goodness , old fashioned freak out right then and there ! Good thing I was holding her in my arms , and bless the artists ' heart , she quickly airbrushed the butterfly onto her leg , and it was over and done with before she even knew what happened . The funny thing is - she was so proud of it after she got it ! She kept twisting around in our arms to have a look at her butterfly , and show us where it was . Its been a few weeks , but she still talks about butterflies . All . the . time . I have a stain on a tank top from painting , and she points to it and calls it my ' butterfly ' . Yes , I think my sweet daughter is obsessed ! Something that was so traumatic for such a short period of time , is now the one thing she 's most fond of ! The bling in the centres of my butterflies was also scrap lifted , though at the moment I can 't , for the life of me , remember where I saw it . I 'll do some research and get back to y ' all on it ! I 'm fairly certain its in the most recent Creating Keepsakes mag or PaperCrafts , but I 'm going to have to go back and verify that . Don 't let me forget ! ( No worries , I won 't let myself forget . Sometimes I 'm a bit anal ) . And . . . speaking of Lets Capture These Sketches , I have some great news to share ! I 've been accepted onto their design team , and I 'm ridiculously pumped about it ! Keep an eye out for more sketches and layouts coming from this fantastic site ! Is there anything that you like to do ( or your husband or kids or anyone that you know ) that hasn 't been able to enjoy ( do , in other words ) their hobby for a long time ? When we moved back to Alberta , I packed up all my scrappy items and left them in hiding until I couldn 't take it anymore . Then , I found a few items , broke them out of storage , and began to play a little ( while we were still living in the trailer , yet , but mostly while we lived in the apartment - before the house came along . Then it all went into hiding again until everything was moved in , unpacked , and set up ) . Oh , it was like heaven on earth , when I was able to feel paper again , and play with it and manipulate it . My dear , poor husband has gone without his hobby for far too long . Living in Saskatchewan wasn 't really conducive to his hobby ( drag racing ) because the city we were nearest only held races three times over the summer - once in June , again in July and lastly in August . Apparently everyone down there travels ( even to great distances ) to get their fix . We just couldn 't do that - especially not with newborn babies . For him , it really sucked . What sucked even more was leaving his little truck ( which we affectionately call the ' little truck ' ) in storage ( at a buddy 's ) . I think he feels like he 's got a second chance at life ; his ' baby ' is back at home with him . Its unloaded off the car trailer , and sitting in the driveway . Once he 's got the rest of the clutter in the garage moved out , he can put it inside , and tinker away at it to his hearts ' content . He wants to put something new in it ( but , I forget what it is because I 'm too girl for stuff like that lol ) . We 'll probably start heading out to the track regularly , now that the truck is back in his possession . We both sincerely missed it ( I think its a fairly sexy sport , IMHO . Even though I know nothing about cars , I do like shiny things , and a lot of the vehicles that get raced are exactly that . Who knows , maybe one day I 'll even start drag racing ( though I 'll have to work up the courage , first ) . We can head to the track regularly here in Alberta , because racing begins in May and ends in September or October . Street Legals are Friday nights ( that much I remember from our drag racing days when Kyle and I were still only dating ) , and bracket racing was the rest of the weekend , I think . Ha . I remember rainy days in the middle of July and August , that found me so cold , I was wearing mittens - and if I had one with me - probably a toque , too ! ( A hat , for all my American readers ! ! ) I 've had this button in my button stash for quite some time . I don 't quite know why I haven 't used it before - I 've got a few that look like this , in a variety of colours ; but , I think it scared me . I was never sure how to use it , and so avoided it . I took the plunge on this layout , and I adore how it looks . Its a lot of fun , I think ! I added some black rhinestone bling and a little bit of parcel string to glam it up a bit . The patterned paper is scraps , and its SU . Once again , my new favourite way to create titles ! I 'm liking that doing my title work this way has helped me bring out the stamps , and use them a little bit more . I LOVE that this hobby is all about learning and re - learning and manipulating and putting spins on old things to make them new . The journalling spot was cut in half ( the other half will probably appear in another project down the road ! ) and adhered to the bottom left corner of my layout . I stamped with Close to Cocoa ink ( SU ) and fussy cut the shape out . My printing is written with a brown journalling pen ( Recollections ) . Good evening ! Where has the day gone ? ! The weather has been gloriously beautiful today - although muggy . The weather is supposed to be gorgeous right through next week , and I suspect that all the thunderstorms that have by - passed us this past week will probably dump on us this week . At least , I hope ! Some cooler weather would be almost a good thing : ) I have another layout to share with you . Today , its a two pager ! The next few layouts are going to contain a number of pictures . I 've finally made it to the point in the month where we celebrated with the girls ' twin cousins on their first birthday . If you recall , a ton of pictures were taken that day , so a few layouts are going to be dedicated to that day ! I 'm waiting on permission from my cousin , but I 'm hoping that I 'll be able to post the layouts I make with her kids in them . But , if this is the only layout you see of that day ( possibly one more ) , then its because I don 't have permission to post pics of her kids on the net ! Just a little forewarning ! ! The inspiration behind this particular layout comes from the incredibly talented Kelly Klapstein . She created this layout for a new segment in the Canadian Scrapbooker magazine called ' Double the Fun ' . We were encouraged to play along and try this sketch out for ourselves - with the possibility ( I think ) of being published along with her . After thinking on it for quite some time , I decided to try it out . I must say , I just LOVE how it turned out ! All the accent patterned papers are from the same sheet ( s ) of 12x12 paper . I cut out the mushroom portion of the paper to make the border along the top of the page , and the lined / stitched portion for the bottom of the page . The flourishes were also part of that paper , so I fussy cut it out , then cut it in half and adhered it to the bottom right corners of each page . The banner was also created using the same paper - the parts of the paper that hung off my 8 . 5x11 ' card stock base got transformed into that - its double sided paper , so both sides were effectively used . Its incredible how much usage a single sheet ( well , two , really , so that I could take advantage of the all the mushrooms and lines ) of paper can give you ! For a little bit of drama , I outlined the flourishes , banner and photos in black pen , then decided to make the only horizontal photo a focal photo , by drawing two lines around it , and adding the buttons and ribbon ( I wanted to highlight the fact that it was the only picture with both girls in it on this layout ) . I guess the journalling helps draw the eye to it , as well ! ( And , speaking of how well things worked - how about the flourishes underneath the only two pictures with water ? ? In my mind , they kind of mimic water . . . perfect , or what ? ! ) I 'm glad she loves the warm weather , the sunshine , and the ability to play outside as much as she wants . Because , before we all know it , we 'll be settled in for another winter ! ( Excuse my language . . . at this time of year , the ' w ' word is about as bad as some four letter words ) . I get a kick out of the kids ' helping ' us out around the house . For the most part , its ridiculously cute - when they actually do what you 've asked them to . Other times it can be aggravating , because its obvious they don 't want to do it , but they must because it either came from some place they shouldn 't have taken it , or it just plain needs to be picked up ( as in their toys ) . And , when I say ' they must ' , it usually means that mama or daddy picks it up in the end . : ) They 'll help us carry the groceries from the door into the kitchen ( if they deem whichever item they 're carrying not ' too heavy ' . Last night , I asked Maren to carry a bag with pork chops in it to the kitchen , and she promptly dropped it back on the floor , saying it was too heavy . Ok , if you say so ! ! ( LOL ) ( Though , she has no problem carrying a 4 litre jug of milk to the kitchen when daddy asks her to do it ) . So , when I asked Maren if she wanted to help me with the laundry , she quickly , and wholeheartedly answered , ' yes ! ' My first reaction was , ' oh cool ' , and when I discovered how she had helped mommy put the laundry away , I just had to chuckle . She put the folded laundry back into the laundry basket . Still folded ! Instinct told me that what she had done wasn 't really putting the laundry away , and I was about to tell her that , when I decided to bite my tongue . To her , that was putting the laundry away . How many millions of times has she seen me put the entire load back into the laundry basket , intending to put all the items away at a later time ? She was absolutely right , so I congratulated her on it ! ( I was particularly impressed that everything , for the most part , was still folded ! ) I 've been wanting to create my own background for a layout for a while . A really long while . I don 't really think many of my stamps are very conducive to making pretty backdrops - mostly because they 're too small and not elaborate enough , but I 've picked up a few in the very recent past that will work beautifully for backgrounds such as this one : I took the vintage post card stamp I bought from Michaels , and used it to stamp the image in varying directions . I also pressed fairly lightly , to give it an even more vintage , worn look . To finish it off , I inked the edges with a sponge dauber . ( I used SU 's Close to Cocoa ink ) . W . O . W . ! ! ! I think it looks horrendous fantastic , and I can hardly wait to use this again on another project ! Its my new favourite thing ! ! I should mention here , that the inspiration for this entire layout came from a design I found in a special issue of scrapbooks etc . - sbe page planner . Unfortunately , I don 't know the year of publication , or if there 's more than one publication of this particular type of special issue . You can find the original of this layout on page 29 of that particular issue . ( Ha , good luck trying to find it ! I know its pretty vague ) . Sorry ! The bird stamps come from a certain SU stamp set that I don 't know the name of . I actually never thought to add the name of the collection to the outside of the box until I bought a box full of goodies from a girl off Kijiji that no longer wanted / needed as much scrapping stuff . She had put them on the outside of her stamp boxes , and I had an ' aha ! ' moment when I saw it . So now , if and when I ever buy anymore SU stamps , I will remember to do that ! ! The birds are pretty , though , aren 't they ? I love the green against the brown background . I just love neutrals period . I think they 're fast becoming my most favourite colour to work with . Colour scares me a little , though when I do work with bright colours , I am sometimes pleasantly surprised ( such as with the one I am currently working on . That may be tomorrow 's post ! ! ) Creating the title was a lot of fun . Every once in a while , I get into this mindset that using my cricut after the kids have gone to bed is a bad idea . I worry that the noise it makes will wake them up - especially since I 'm working in the room right next to theirs ! ! Even with the door closed , I worry about it . You know how it goes - when you try and be as quiet as possible , thats when you inevitably end up being noisier than usual . So , when I 'm in silent mode , I try and come up with creative ways to get things done without my cricut . And , I have to say , I 'm pretty pleased with the outcome ! I 'll be doing this in the future more often now , too ! I took SU 's whisper white ink , and stamped with alpha stamps on black patterned paper . Then , I just fussy cut around them to create this fun and whimsical title ! Easy peasy ! And lastly , the journalling block . I stamped it onto kraft card stock with SU 's Close to Cocoa ink , then fussy cut around the lines , creating my journalling block . Then , I took a sponge dauber and lightly dragged it across the front to help age it just a tad more . Voila ! A lot of the elements on this page were created using scraps . How many of you make it a priority to use up your scraps ? Do you use them for specific projects , like mini albums , cards or off the page type projects ? Or , do you use them in any way that tickles your fancy ? And , how small is too small to keep ? Do you keep every tiny piece of paper , or do you keep nothing smaller than a certain size ? I will now be able to scan pictures of my layouts directly to my iPhoto library , instead of using my camera to do it ! No more crooked , terrible looking shots ! Ahh I am sooo pumped ! ! This layout was all about highlighting the locket my grandma gave me , and the journalling . This necklace means the universe to me , and if I were to ever lose it , I would be pretty devastated . The inspiration behind it came from a special issue of sbe ( lets get scrapbooking ) , pg . 66 . I don 't know the year it was published . I wanted to pick up the pink in Maren 's shirt and head band for this layout , and I thought grey would compliment it nicely ! The inspiration behind this layout is from the February 2011 issue of sbe , pg . 66 . The original layout is by Mary MacAskill and she entitled it , ' three ' . Rather than going with a real retro layout with peace symbols , I thought hearts would work well instead . ( What better way to depict love than with hearts ? ? ! ) I thought the large heart at the bottom looked a little flat after everything was adhered , so I took some bubble wrap and very carefully stamped the heart in a few places for some visual interest . ( I also ' blotted ' it on a piece of scrap paper so that the ink wouldn 't be so heavy on my layout . I wanted it to have a softer , hardly there kind of look . I think I achieved it ! ! ) Its a little hard to tell in the photo , but the chippy ' love ' I used a sponge dauber to ' paint ' the word , and then used my finger tip to brush some black ink over top . LOVE how that looks , too ! ( The red ink I used is SU 's Cherry Cobbler , and the black ink is SU 's Basic Black ) . I used a black archival type pen to create faux stitching around the outer edge of the pink patterned paper , and around the large grey heart , and a Martha Stewart border punch for the piece of pink patterned paper strip overlaying the large grey heart . ( The silver ribbon and sticker letters are miscellaneous . I don 't know where they came from ! ! ) The sentiment sticker is K & Co . Well , the kiddo 's are still sleeping , so I 'm going to reward myself with some actual scrapbooking ! ( Then I can use the scanner again . Yay ! ! ) Hi , good morning ! ! So , I have to say , posting all these pictures worked out quite well ! I was able to separate everything into the two days - yesterday holds just Saturday 's pictures , and todays post holds only Sundays pictures . ANd , I can 't take credit for taking all ( or many ) of today 's pictures . My sister holds the honours for that ! The expression on Maren 's face makes me crack up every time I see it ! Ha ! I don 't know what she was doing here , or what auntie told her , but OH . MY . WORD ! ! ! hee . . . Oi . I 've barely gotten this typed out and my poor hands are already falling asleep . I 've been wearing my wrist braces the last couple of nights to see if it will help reduce the tendency to fall asleep , and although its been helping overnight , I 've been noticing that my hands are falling asleep when I do certain things when they 're NOT on . I really hope I don 't need to wear them constantly , like I did when I was pregnant . ( Carpal tunnel ) . I 'm not complaining . I 'm just a bit surprised that sometimes it doesn 't take much for them to start going numb ! ! So - - off to do something else , then ! Its a dreary and rainy day this morning . Maybe I 'll just crawl back into bed until the kids wake up ! Father 's day was an absolute riot . My family ( sister , BIL , mom and dad ) spent the weekend with us , and thankfully it was beautiful ! We took the kids to the park Saturday night ( after my sister and BIL arrived ) , and Sunday afternoon , we played in the yard until supper was ready . I promised dad that he wouldn 't have to help us do any work around the house this visit - and that promise was kept ! Ha ! So , this wound up being quite a long post . And , there 's still more to share , so I think I 'll just split it into two , possibly three posts . ( I took over 240 pictures ! ! ) over the last three days , so please bear with me ! ! I 'm by no means a photographer , and I really don 't consider myself a good one although I do try hard , so I get pretty excited when I come up with ones that I find are ' exceptional ' . I would like to take a photography class . I just started thinking about it this weekend ! Maybe ! ! Anyways , I can hardly wait to edit these last two a bit more . . . of all the pictures I took , these two are my absolute . faves . Hope you had a great weekend . See you again real soon !

The breeding was done by artificial insemination with the assistance of Dr . Janice Cain , DVM . [ AI was necessary because Monroe would have nothing to do with Eddie . ] Ultrasound at week 5 showed many puppies - - Dr . Cain estimates 12 - 14 . Because of the large number of puppies , we will have a late - term x - ray on Tuesday , July 28 . Saturday , August 1 , 2009 We returned from our 17 - day cruise in French Polynesia yesterday afternoon . For the last week I have been in regular communication by text with Scott Sorenson , our dog / house sitter , and knew that Monroe was beginning to show some discomfort at night . She continued this pattern and woke me at about 3 am this morning with some heavy breathing . We filled the whelping box with all of the blankets from her crate , plus a few more , and she has been spending most of her time there . As you can see , she has scratched all of the bedding up into a heap , which is normal behavior . The x - ray on Tuesday showed at least 8 puppies but Dr . Cain was not able to give us a hard count . She has sent the plate to the consulting radiologist but I have not heard back from her yet . I just emailed her to ask for a report . I expect Monroe to whelp sometime this weekend and it will help to know sort of what to expect toward the end . Although Monroe has been bred once before , this will be her first time to experience labor . In her first breeding she just had one puppy and never went into labor , so we had to deliver the puppy by C - section ( see http : / / camelotrr . com / monroe1 / index . html ) . It took a few days for Monroe to get the idea of motherhood , but once she figured out what it was all about , she turned into the best mother dog we have ever had , and has since acted as step - mother for other puppies in our household . The puppies were born between 3 : 20 pm and 9 : 37 pm . There were nine puppies , including one stillborn male . The eight surviving puppies included six ridgeless ( 3 females and 3 males ) and two puppies with pet - quality ridges ( one female and one male ) . The puppies have been given temporary names in honor of our recent cruise to the South Pacific : Monday , August 3 , 2009 I made a bed by the whelping box and slept there last night . I only had to get up a few times to rescue a puppy who had wandered away from mom . The pups are very strong and are already scooting around the box a lot . I put the protective rails in the whelping box this morning , which makes it easier for them to scoot around behind Monroe 's back so the rescues will be less necessary from now on . Following are a couple of pictures of the box and the puppy pile taken this afternoon : Tuesday , August 4 , 2009 Things have settled into the comfortable period when the newborn puppies get strong and mobile enough to look out for themselves and the new mom becomes super - motherly and constantly looks out for the puppies . For the next three weeks the puppies will require very little care , except for feeding Monroe twice a day , changing the bedding once or twice a day , weighing the puppies , and holding each of them for awhile to begin their human socialization . Today I finally sorted out all of the puppies so I can tell which is which when I record their weights . They are gaining weight at the rate of about 5 % per day . At birth the average weight was about one pound and by next Sunday when they are one week old I expect them to average about 2 pounds . Wednesday , August 5 , 2009 Things continue to be smooth . Monroe 's milk is fully down now and weight gain is taking off . The average gain since yesterday was about 10 % with the smallest ( Tahiti ) now at one pound . This afternoon the four with rear dew claws are going to the vet to have them removed . Some years back I made the decision to leave front dew claws because I have had no indication that there is any good reason to remove them . On the other hand , I do continue to remove rear dew claws because I think there is a reasonable tearing hazard , since dogs use their rear legs to push off , often in brush . Nevertheless , Tonga , Tuamotu , Marquesa and Solomon will be making the 30 - minute drive to Bishop Ranch Veterinary Clinic in about an hour . Thursday , August 6 , 2009 We didn 't get to keep our appointment with Dr . Cain for rear dew claw removal yesterday because my ( brand new ! ) Highlander Hybrid would not start . Seems to have forgotten its " smart key . " I had it towed to the local Toyota service center and will pick it up today . So the dew claw appointment is Friday afternoon . The pups continue to gain weight - - up 9 % over yesterday . There is beginning to be a very noticeable spread in weight now with Cook being almost twice the size of petite little Tahiti . Friday , August 7 , 2009 Close call today . I had to drive my new Highlander hybrid back to the service center because it is still having trouble starting . I left it at the service center , picked up a rental car , and drove back home . I went in to check on the puppies and heard one screaming its head off . I picked up the only one that was crawling around and cuddled it but the screaming continued - - from the direction of the whelping box . I scanned all the other puppies and they were all sound asleep . Then I noticed that there were only six , besides the one I was holding . Then I saw that there was a big puppy - sized lump INSIDE the dog pad that was in the box . It turned out that the pad we put in this morning had a hole in one corner and the puppy ( Marquesa ) had crawled in and then scooted all the way forward to the other end of the pad . But she couldn 't go any further and couldn 't bak up ( this is why lobster pots work ) . I could not dislodge her so I ran and got the scissors and carefully cut the dog pad open ( see picture below ) : Saturday , August 8 , 2009 The visit to Dr . Cain was normal and the four puppies who were born with RDC are now RDC - free . Often the rear dew claws are not attached firmly . However , the ones we tend to get are very well articulated and are more difficult for the vet to remove than the normal front leg dew claws . Because a few people have written to ask me about rear dew claws , I will say what I have observed . I think that rear dew claws are a simple dominant mode of inheritance , but with a penetrance of only about 50 % . In other words , for a puppy to be born with rear dew claws , one of the parents must have had them , but only about half of the puppies of a dog who had rear dew claws will have them . Ours come from Chip ( Kimani 's Blue Chip Image ) , who had them . He was bred to four different Camelot bitches about 8 - 10 years ago and we got rear dew claws in every litter . In total , about half of the puppies in the four litters were born with RDC . I have bred three Chip sons multiple times . Hadley ( Camelot 's Galahad of Avalon ) had RDC and he has produced them in every one of his eight litters . Again , about half of Hadley 's sons and daughters had RDC . Mojave ( Camelot 's Code Red ) and Ruger ( Camelot 's Promise to Bakari ) did not have RDC and they have not produced them ( 22 litters for Mojave , 17 litters for Ruger ) . Monroe ( the dam of this litter ) had RDC and , according to prediction , about half the puppies got them . In addition to the four RDC - puppies , I also took little Tahiti to be checked out by Dr . Cain . Tahiti 's umbilical cord was removed prematurely by an over - enthusiastic mom and an " outer umbilical herina " resulted . Although it hasn 't seemed to bother Tahiti , who has a good appetite and gets around as well as the other puppies , I was concerned that it might become infected ( see following photo ) : Dr . Cain debrided the opening , removed a little necrotic tissue , and cleaned it well . She found that the injury is well walled off and that is is showing signs of healing " from the inside out . " She did not think that any antibiotic treatment is necessary and I will just monitor the wound to be sure it continues to heal normally . Weight gain continues and two of the boys hit two pounds today . Following is a photo of the eight puppies in the cardboard box where I put them after I weigh each one every afternoon . They really like being confined in this little space and immediately quiet down and go to sleep when I begin to load the box one - by - one . Sunday , August 9 , 2009 4 : 30 PM The puppies are one week old and the average weight is 28 ounces . This isn 't quite the doubling I predicted but not too far off . They got their nails done for the first time this afternoon . Personalities are beginning to emerge . Two are very willful - - Tonga and Samoa . Therefore , they are getting more than their share of holding , to get them used to being handled . On the other end of the spectrum are a couple who seem to really enjoy being held and sort of melt into our arms - - Cook , Tahiti and Tuamotu . The other three are in between - - they struggle a bit at first but settle down in about 30 seconds . All of them did better with the first nail trim than I expected , although it was a challenge with Tonga to get him to hold his paws in one place long enough for Cheri to clip the nails . In this first trim we only do the front feet - - the ones they use to kneed mom 's boobs when nursing . Nest week we will trim the back nails as well . Monday , August 10 , 2009 Nothing much new to report . Both of the cotton bath mats I have been using as pads for the whelping box were wet so I put in a nice cotton bath mat from our front bathroom . Unfortunately , Monroe , in her zeal to scratch it up into a heap , wrecked it by pulling a bunch of the loops out . So now we have a permanent whelping box mat and are short one bath mat . Average weight gain since yesterday was 5 . 7 % and there are now three two - pounders , as Samoa hit 32 ounces today . Tuesday , August 11 , 2009 I had to go to work at campus today ( boo - hoo ) so I weighed the pups fairly early . Nevertheless , weight gain was still 6 % over yesterday and the average weight is now almost exactly 2 pounds . Little Tahiti is continuing to prosper and actually showed a greater - than - expected gain . I often find her on a nipple when all of the other puppies are sleeping , so I think she has decided it is time to catch up . In every litter one puppy emerges to capture my heart and in this one it is Tahiti . On our recent eclipse cruise in Polynesia we visited Tahiti , which is actually two volcanos that are connected by a narrow isthmus . The larger island is called Tahiti Nui ( meaing roughly " big Tahiti " ) and the smaller one is called Tahiti Iti ( meaning roughly " little Tahiti " ) . We spent one night in a charming lodge on Tahiti Iti and it was one of the highlights of our vacation . In the picture below , Tahiti is the 2nd puppy from the right . Friday , August 14 , 2009 Things are pretty calm now . We have an oil heater in the whelping room to keep it toasty warm at night and the pups are sleeping pretty much all night , except when Monroe climbs in to nurse them . I turn the heater off during the day . There really isn 't much to do now except change their pad daily . They are continuing to gain weight at about 5 - 6 % per day . Amazing what mom 's milk and DNA can do ! Here is a picture that shows the normal state of affairs : This is the last blog entry until Tuesday , as I am headed out early tomorrow for a two - day trip to Washington , DC , for the American Chemical Society National Meeting . I have a dinner party Sunday night , a board meeting Monday morning , and a reception Monday afternoon . Then I will be on the 7 pm flight back to California . Tuesday , August 18 , 2009 As I wrote Saturday , I had a quick trip to Washington and returned late last night . The pups grew noticeably during my absence and their eyes are starting to open . They are all up on their feet and lurching around from time to time . There was a little epidemic of " cheese poop " the last couple of days . This sort of diarrhea often happens and then resovles itself . Today things look pretty normal again . Tahiti 's wound has healed completely now and she is continuing to prosper . Thursday , August 20 , 2009 The average weight is now three pounds ( actually just a tad less ) and the occasional cheese poop is continuing . Monroe is eating a huge amount of food - - about three times what our other adults eat at each meal . Even with all this food , she is starting to look a little ribby . Therefore , I am going to give her a little assist today by mixing up some of the goat 's milk supplement that we use to start the pups on pan food and I will give a little afternoon feeding to the four smallest pups . We will probably start a little pan feeding Sunday - - - by then I think they will be up on their feet enough to lap from a pan . Over the last 18 hours I gave Tahiti , Tuamotu and Marquesa each about 4 - 5 ounces of the formula with a baby bottle . They love it , especially Tuamotu . Today 's weight chart shows the predictable effect . I 'll continue occasional supplements for the next few days . Here is a little 3 - minute video of Tuamotu , who is most enthusiastic with the bottle . Saturday , August 22 , 2009 The puppies had several visitors today , and they got their nails done . Now that they are up and running around the box , and can see , they are beginning to seem more like puppies than gophers or moles . Mocha is here for a sleepover , since her custodial parents have an activity tomorrow . She is fascinated with the puppies and adores Monroe , who acted as her surrogate mom for a couple of weeks in July when she first came here from Portland . Monroe is fine with Mocha leaning into the box to sniff the puppies , but she drew a line when Mocha tried to climb in with them . Sunday , August 23 , 2009 We are getting close to weaning time . The pups are three weeks old today and I am having trouble getting enough food into Monroe to keep up with the necessary milk production to support eight ravenous puppies . The total daily weight gain for the pack is now about 1 1 / 4 pounds ! I had Monroe up to almost 4 cups of prepared Honest Kitchen FORCE in the morning and four complete chicken back / neck pieces in the evening meal . Yesterday she had gas so bad that it was hard to be in the same room with her . So today I backed her down to only twice what she would normally eat . That means the milk supply is going to start coming from her own body fat , so I will probably start feeding the pups once a day from a pan on Monday or Tuesday . I know from Monroe 's first litter ( Darwin ) that she is a mother who will keep on nursing until the pups are 6 - 7 weeks old , even if they are getting most of their nourishment from pan food . At the beginning I will feed them the goat 's milk formula with Gerber 's rice cereal mixed in . This isn 't real different from mom 's milk , except for the fibre in the rice cereal , so she will continue to clean up . Monday , August 24 , 2009 The big event today was first fiber ! I warmed up 1 1 / 2 cups of the goats ' milk formula and stirred in enough baby rice cereal ( I bought it at Whole Foods and it was typically WF - PC ; no genetically modified rice ! ) . I served the critters their first meal from a pan and they did a pretty decent job of putting it away without too much mess . It always amazes me that the little tykes know exactly what to do when they are put in front of a bowl of food for the first time ! In the video you will also see my 13 - year old granddaughter , Emily Jackson , who arrived this afternoon from her home on Orcas Island to spend her last week of summer visiting grandparents . Tuesday , August 25 , 2009 This morning after breakfast , I had Camille , Conner and Emily help me weigh the puppies ( see Camille and Conner in the box in the picture below ) . I am a little worried about Tahiti , whose weight has levelled off the last few days . I will give her a bottle this morning before I head off with the grandkids to the California Academy of Science . When we get home this afternoon I will feed another pan meal and be sure Tahiti gets a separate bowl . Wednesday , August 26 , 2009 The pups had their second pan meal Tuesday afternoon and they are becoming very enthusiastic about this mode of eating . We fed Tahiti separately to be sure she got her share . This morning before breakfast , I gave Tahiti a full four - ounce bottle of the goat 's milk formula with a bottle . She has had a hard time learning to use the bottle but today she finally got it . Today 's weighings showed a healthy weight gain across the board , with an especially gratifying increase by Tahiti . In fact , her apparent 10 % gain in a single day is no doubt more apparent than real , since she probably still had a lot of the water from her 6 : 30 am bottle still on board when I weighed her at 10 . Emily and I are going to take a drive over to Muir Woods this morning and then visit Chinatown in San Francisco . When we get back this afternoon we will give the wild bunch another goat 's milk - rice cereal meal . Thursday , August 27 , 2009 4 : 40 PM The little critters have become very agile - - they can now leap on each other , wrestle , and carry the little puppy toys around in their mouths . It is amazing to me that just over a week ago they were just lurching around on four feet for the first time ! They had a big meal of goat 's milk formula with rice cereal yesterday afternoon . I will give them two meals today - - one about 10 : 30 and the other about 4 : 30 . Monroe is starting to look a little like a Biafra - dog - - ribs showing . She is eating four times as much as the other adults now , but that still isn 't enough to make all the milk that this crew wants . The average weight gain per day is still running 5 - 6 % but as the puppies continue to get larger , 5 % amounts to lots more than it did two weeks ago . The average weight this morning is now over four pounds per puppy and even little Tahiti is over three pounds now . The day of extra feeding I gave her on Tuesday - Wednesday seemed to really help and she is back on a normal growth line , and acting frisky . The following little video was taken just after their big meal in the morning . Friday , August 28 , 2009 Emily and I went to Chinatown this morning for sightseeing and lunch at a nice dim sum place on Jackson Street . I fed the pups cereal in the morning about 9 : 30 and again at 2 : 30 when we got home . They are at a point where I have to scale back how much I give them as they are not eating all I have been preparing . I made their little pen in our master bathroom and you can see their new digs in the following photos . This will be home for the next week and then they will move out to a kennel run . Sunday , August 30 , 2009 I am still feeding the puppies pan food two times a day and today I started in the morning adding some ground - up Canadae grain - free kibble . I used two cups of the goats milk , one cup of ground kibble , and enough rice cereal to make it like oatmeal . They polished is off pretty smartly . This afternoon we have a puppy open house and a few of the prospective families will be visiting . the following photo is Cheri taking a nap with Tahiti on her chest . Tuesday , September 1 , 2009 For the last couple of days I have been introducing kibble into the diet . I am using Canadae grain - free and I grind it up to a powder with a Waring blender . At the start I used 1 / 2 cup of kibble with 1 pint of the goat 's milk formula , and enough Gerber 's rice cereal to make the consistency I want . Over the next few feedings I gradually increased the amount of kibble , by 1 / 2 cup each feeding , while reducing the rice cereal . Today they will get no rice cereal - - 1 pint of goat 's milk formula with two cups of the ground kibble . Tomorrow I will begin to water down the goat 's milk formula so that by the weekend they will be getting kibble with warm water . When the diet becomes kibble , the amount and nature of the poop changes . I now change the papers in the play pen several times a day and put the soiled ones in a garbage bag that I keep in the privacy yard outside the bathroom door . Our routine is that on first rising I get up and feed the adult dogs their Honest Kitchen breakfast . Then I go to the puppy room and move the pups from their pen into the whelping box while I clean their pen and put down new papers and fresh water . While I am doing that , Monroe generally gets in the whelping box and lets them nurse - - but only sitting down . She is pretty much done with lying down with the milk bar fully exposed and letting eight ruffians , all with sharp teeth , chew and pull on her nipples ! However , they seem to get enough milk to be satisfied until I give the first pan meal around 11 am . Here is a photo of Monroe doing her seated nursing yesterday : The kibble diet has a very pronounced effect on weight gain - - they are back to 5 - 6 % per day increase , but now the average weight is more than five pounds . That means that the litter weight is now more than 40 pounds , so a 5 % gain per day means that the group puts on a total of more than 2 pounds per day ! Here are a couple of pictures of the play pen that I snapped this morning after I cleaned up . Wednesday , September 2 , 2009 Our routine continues - - Monroe gives them a little nursing first thing in the morning , then I feed kibble - milk at about 10 : 30 and again at about 4 : 30 , and she nurses them a little before bedtime . I put the puppies in their whelping box while I clean up the pen and put down new newspapers . My friend Barb Bridwell has donated a large stack of her Wall Street Journals and this is a vastly superior newspaper for the puppy pen . The pages are larger , there are more pages per section , and the pups will grow up with financial acumen . They have outgrown the little Salter kitchen scale and I had to move them to my large postage scale . This one weighs in pounds , with 1 / 4 pound resolution , so I revised my weight chart this morning and coverted all of the previous weights to pounds . They are now averaging about 5 1 / 2 pounds , with three at 6 pounds . Tahiti is now four pounds and Tuamoto , the smallest boy , is at 5 pounds . The following photos were taken this morning in the whelping box while I was doing my weights and changing the papers in the pen . After Mildred and Mark left I cleaned the kennel and moved the pups to their new home , where they will live until they depart for their real homes . They are in an indoor 5 x 8 foot room with a chain - link door to the central kennel room where I prepare food , give baths , etc . Their indoor room has a dog door with a heavy rubber flap to keep out the elements . For the first week or so I will have the flap tied up so the dog door is just open . It is warm weather so the door doesn 't really need to be closed yet . When they get used to going in and out of the dog door , I will let it down and they will learn to push on the rubber flap to go through . Following is a photo of their first exit experience . As you can see , one of the boys got out on the porch and just flattened - - I guess he doesn 't like heights ( like me ) . Susan and Rudolf Mueller came about 5 : 30 . They are from Irvine and will be taking one of the ridgeless girls on October 2 . They played with the puppies and then we had dinner outside on our patio ( grilled steaks ) while the puppies sacked out on a cozy bed beside out dinner table . Friday , September 4 , 2009 I went out to feed the pups this morning about 7 am and found that there was not a single poop inside their sleeping room ! I was very proud that every one of the eight puppies had already gone outside to the enclosed kennel run and done their business . This bodes well for house training . Saturday , September 5 , 2009 The puppies have turned into little dogs in just the last few days . They had lots of visitors yesterday and today and will have more tomorrow . They have experienced playing in the backyard and have learned the way from their little kennel room , out the dog door , through the adjacent kennel and over to the back door . When they get tired of playing , they just head back for the kennel and put themselves to bed . They are on three meals a day now and by Monday they will be eating Honest Kitchen FORCE in the morning ( now it is 60 % ground Canadae and 40 % FORCE ) , ground Canadae grain - free kibble at lunch , and ground chicken backs and necks at night . They are eating a lot but their weight growth doesn 't show it , mainly because they are now getting a lot of exercise . Monday , September 7 , 2009 Yesterday was a very big day for the pups . They had LOTS of visitors . In the picture below are some members of the Joe family . Daisy Joe was one of my Berkeley Ph . D . students in the mid - 90s . She is married to Justin Dubois , who is a Stanford chemistry professor . Daisy came for a visit and brought her daughter Soliel , her parents , her brother , sister , their spouses , and five nephews and neices . Also , my brother - in - law and sister - in - law were weekend house guests and last night one of Cheri 's long - time girl friends came over for dinner and a movie . So the pups got lots of socialization , which is good for them ! They have all become super - affectionate and all any person needs to do to get some puppy love is sit on the ground . Immediately the visitor will be the base of a puppy pile . As sometimes happens at this age , I have upped their food a little too much and most of them have soft stools the last 12 hours . Last night 's dinner was almost pure raw chicken . I ground up three full backs , with necks attached , and they wolfed it down ( pun intended ) . That is about 3 pounds of chicken - - about 6 ounces per puppy ! I will back off on the quantity today and let their digestive systems get in sync with the new food . They can handle a little hiatus . Take a look at the weight gain chart . The average is now over 7 pounds per puppy and two have reached 8 pounds . Wednesday , September 9 , 2009 I 've been distracted the last two days with a computer problem . My new MacBook Pro would ot start ! Something had gone wrong with the boot sector and a lot of file permissions were screwed up . I tried all my Mac magic and in the end had to trek over to San Francisco to the Apple Bar to visit the Genius Bar . My genius turned out to be a capable young man with bright yellow hair with green polka dots , plus a little hardware in his ears . He got my machine up and running again in less than 30 minutes and I am back in business . On the doggy front , the pups are growing like weeds and have become very adventurous . Sometimes to their detriment . Last night at 2 am I had to get up and go to the kennel because a puppy was screaming its lungs out . Turned out to be Tahiti , who had crawled into the crack between the side of the crate and the wall . She couldn 't figure out how to back out and she was letting the world ( literally ) know that she was in a pickle . I rescued her , cuddled her for five minutes , and retired to my own crate for the rest of the night . Sunday , September 13 , 2009 I have been pretty busy with a lot of stuff the last few days , so there haven 't been any blog entries . The pups are little dogs now and spend a lot of time in the greater back yard . They have a sleeping bed on the patio by the back door and they hang out there part of the time . The adult dogs can go out through the hallway dog door ( which the puppies have not learned about - - yet ) and visit the puppies . Monroe and Dawn are the only two adults who really have any patience with the puppy pack . Monroe spends a lot of time with them now . Nursing is done and although the pups always swarm to her and try to nurse , they soon learn that the faucets are dry . So they can just enjoy being mothered without the compulsion to nurse . They are being fed three times a day . I ground up chicken backs and gave that with their kibble at night for a few days , but I have continued to have runny poops so I have backed off and are only giving Canadae kibble , except for breakfast , when I blend in about 50 % Honest Kitchen FORCE . The largest puppy is Cook and he weighed in tonight at 11 pounds . Tahiti is still the smallest at 6 3 / 4 pounds . The pups had more visitors this weekend and now they are cuddled back up in their kennel room for the night . Monday , September 14 , 2009 It is a bright sunny morning and the pups are in the yard playing with each other and with mom . They can run pretty fast now , even in the high ( and wet ) grass . I am travelling for the rest of the week ( Minneapolis for work ) so there won 't be another blog until the weekend . Our dog / house - sitter Scott Sorenson will come in every afternoon to give the pups their midday meal and clean their room and kennel while I am gone . Following are a few photos I took this morning . The pups are all placed now and the first ones will go to their new families in just two weeks . Monday , September 21 , 2009 It has been a week since my last blog . I had a business trip last week and have been busy catching up here after I got back . The pups are all little dogs now . They weigh an average of about 12 pounds and can run a lot faster than I can walk . Which makes it hard to get out of the kennel after they have eaten ! When I am home , as today , the pups have the run of all three kennels and the entire back yard . Monroe and Dawn go out and interact with them but the other three adults pretty much stay away from them . I just finished picking up the kennels and the entire 1 / 2 acre back yard and I can affirm that 8 puppies and 5 adults make a lot of poop ! They had their first vaccination Sunday and their worming medicine this moring . They are eating us out of house and home . They get about 3 / 4 cups each of Honest Kitchen FORCE , mixed with another cup of water , for breakfast . Then they each get 3 / 4 cups of Canadae Grain - free ALS at lunch and again at night . The total food intake , per puppy per day , is more than for our adults . Here are some photos I took while I was picking up the yard this afternoon : Tuesday , September 22 , 2009 The pups went to Bishop Ranch today for their exam . The pictures below capture the visit . The first few are the techs preparing to weigh , take temperatures and mop up pee spots . Dr . James Pogrel did the exams . While we were waiting for Dr . Pogrel , all the pups curled up on the bench and napped . The Bishop Ranch staff were all impressed with how calm they all were . They curled up in the crate in the back of my car for the ride home and no one got car sick . Friday , September 25 , 2009 The first two pups went to their new homes today . This morning I worked at home on one of my reports while Monroe had a last day in the yard with the whole pack . She taught them to climb the steps of the hot tub deck . Ellen Kohagura and her two lovely kids came in the early afternoon and collected Cook and Solomon and they went off to their new home in Napa , living on the 8 - acre grounds of Silver Stag Winery . Sunday , September 27 , 2009 It has been > 100 � in our yard the last few days and the puppies stay inside most of the time . . Tonight about 6 pm , Tonga came out to play in the yard and got a sting from one of our yellowjacket hornets . Cheri saw him first - - looked like a Shar Pei . We gave him two 25 - mg Benadryls and he is already better , but very very sleepy . Monday , September 28 , 2009 The fourth puppy went to his new home today . Alicia and Peter Kafin and their sons Ben and Toby drove down from their home in Fort Bragg on the Medicono County coastline and picked up Tuamotu . Take a look at Toby - - isn 't he a ringer for Tim Lincecum ? Wednesday , September 30 , 2009 And then there were three . John Tully stopped by today to pick up Tonga . JT is a prosecuter in Fresno and has been visiting the pups since they were a week old . Thursday , October 1 , 2009 Tuesday about 6 pm Marquesa got in grandpa Hadley 's face and he snapped at her , delivering a puncture wound on her face . Of course , it became infected and within a couple of hours the whole left side of her face had swollen up . I gave her 125 mg of Amoxicillin with her Tuesday evening food and another 125 mg on Wednesday morning and the swelling went away . She is continuing to get the 125 mg two times a day for the next few days . Monroe is having a very good time interacting with the three remaining puppies , Marquesa , Samoa and Tahiti . She spends a lot of time with them , both in their kennel and on the dog bed on the patio outside our family room door . The following photos and video were taken about 6 pm tonight . Saturday , October 3 , 2009 The three musketeers , Marquesa , Samoa and Tahiti , have had two days of sisterly bonding since the last boy went home Wednesday afternoon . Yesterday they followed me out to the vegetable garden to see if there were any tomatoes . The garden is rather overgrown this time of year and it is like a forest of tomatoe plants , volunteer flowers , etc . When I went back in the house the three girls stayed out in the garden , which is a 1 / 10 acre part of our backyard , fenced with a wrought iron fence that the pups can squeeze through but not the adults . After about 20 minutes , I remembered that I wanted something else from the garden and went back out . The three girls were having a great time - - dragging around a dead gopher ! I don 't know if they dispatched it , but if they did , it was their first prey . I grabbed it and heaved it over the fence and then thought " darn , that would have made a great picture for the blog . " We are now down to just Marquesa . Susan and Rudolf dropped by this morning and headed back to San Diego with Samoa and then at 12 : 30 we met Mildred Cho and Mark Shattuck in Danville at Bishop Ranch Veterinary Clinic and they took Tahiti back with them to their home in Half Moon Bay . For the next two days it will be just Marquesa and she is her mom 's constant shadow .

We had our NT scan on Thursday and at 13w4d , I was on the cusp of being too far along to perform the ultrasound and get accurate measurements . I was excited to get to see the babes again and even more excited to get an abdominal ultrasound as opposed to a wanding . The tech who performed the ultrasound took her time with measuring everything and DH and I were just so excited to see the babies looking so much like babies ! They were moving much more fluidly than last time and one was even rubbing their little face with their hands . Eeek , I can 't wait to be the one rubbing those little cheeks and kissing them ! As a tech , she wouldn 't say anything about gender , which was disappointing and I made a mental note to ask the doctor if he would . I caught a glimpse of each NT measurement and both were well under the 3mm mark ( 1 . 8 and 2 . 1 , I believe . ) We waited a bit for the doctor to come in and he went about going over all the tech 's measurements albeit a little more quickly than the tech . He explained the risks of a multiple pregnancy , told me I had my age and physical fitness on my side for carrying these babies to term , my cervix was 4 . 72 cm , which was great and overall just made me feel very capable of this pregnancy , which was appreciated . I asked him if he could tell what sex the babies were and he said he wouldn 't guess unless he got a good look . Baby A wasn 't cooperating at all , but Baby B wasn 't shy and looks like a ___ ! Overall , it was a great appointment and I am thankful that the babes are growing on track and looking good with no markers for any issues thus far . Here 's some pics of the babes from the scan : We have already decided on a name for Baby B and we will be sharing its sex and name as soon as we find out what sex Baby A is . Our gender ultrasound is on January 5 ! Stay tuned ! I have been looking for a photographer since we moved to Oklahoma . I just think it 's important to have someone in your back pocket to call when you realize " it 's time " to get some family pictures taken . You know , when you look at your last family photo and realize that your 6 - year - old is wearing a diaper and you lived in the town you lived in ~ gulps ~ two states ago ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Yeah , I 'm not a real " regular " on the whole family photo thing , but I do reach a point of " I HAVE HAD IT - LET ' S DO THIS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " So , when we moved to Oklahoma , I started using goo . gle to find me a photographer . - - - - - - record comes to a screeching halt - - - - - - Is this it ? ! Is this all there is to choose from ? Why does everyone look like they are " posed " ? Why doesn 't that picture say Ol . an Mi . lls in the corner ? ' Cause that 's where it looks like it 's from . * cue sad face * Then , I got it . The reference . You know , the I 'm Gonna Complain to Everyone I Know Until Someone Comes Up With a Person of a Friend of a Friend Who Takes Awesome Pictures Plan . Or the IGCEIKUSCUWPFFWTAPP . Whichever you like to call it . It came this weekend . My neighbor , MB , after hearing me go on and on about needing maternity pics and newborn , three , six , nine , and twelve month pics of the twins as well as a great family photo when the babies are about six or nine months old suggested I look up Beth Jansen . Of Beth Jansen Photography . * cue choir singing * Isn 't her work fabulous ? I actually used the word fabulous and I HATE that word . But isn 't it divine ? ( Another word I hate ! ) Today is a hard day . It 's my due date for the baby that I lost after my first IVF . I feel more than what I can / will write here , but I just wanted to say that although I am very thankful for the blessings headed my way in the spring , I will never be okay with the loss of Baby J . I thought I would do a pregnancy post update . You know , how big is baby ? How big is uterus ? How big is Mommy 's butt ? So , if you aren 't interested , I understand . If you are , please read on . What 's going on with Larry and Balki ? Umm , their fingers and toes wiggle . They are peeing in their sacs . They are practicing swallowing . ( Which makes the previous statement a lot grosser . ) Their little brains are producing testosterone / estrogen . They are as big as large plums and weigh 1 / 2 ounce . What 's going on with the Mothership ? I am finally getting a handle on my nausea , thanks to uni . som and vitamin B6 ( thank you , Emily ! ! ) I am trying to get used to eating smaller portions , as I am well aware of the heartburn that is about to replace the nausea very soon . I 'm tired all the time . My boobies are huge and they hurt and they are covered in fantastic blue veins . I have a hard time going " two " . Hard being the operative word there - ouch ! Hmmmm , sex ? No , thank you . Highlights of the previous week : I am able to find the babies ' heartbeats easily on my home doppler . I like having that reassurance between appointments . I also made my u / s appointment to see what the babies are for January 5th ! ! That 's so soon ! Off topic , but still noteworthy , we took our boys to San Antonio this past weekend and enjoyed a day at Sea World and just being away for a few days . DS2 got to be a part of the Shamu show and it was so precious ! DH and I were on the " Kiss Cam " before the show started and he opted to point to his WVU hat the whole time , while I looked up at us on the screen , looked back down , and continued texting . Ooh , we bought a house , too ! Very excited about that and hoping to move in the middle of next month ! ! That 's about it . Sorry if I bored you to tears ! So , I spent most of Monday evening just being generally annoyed that my OB never got back to me about my request for Zo . fran . I went to bed nauseous , woke up nauseous and all morning Tuesday plotting how I would chew the nurses out for not getting back to me . Thankful for common sense , I called the pharmacy just to make sure that there wasn 't a prescription waiting for me . Well , there was . Since the day before . Oops . I rushed off to pick it up and just couldn 't wait to gobble it up and start feeling semi - human again . I took my first dose immediately and six hours later , like clockwork , I took my second . I was feeling great . Until I wasn 't feeling great . At all . I woke up at 11 : 30 Tuesday night with a splitting headache . Like full - on migraine pain . After I rolled back and forth on the bed holding my face in my hands for a good hour , I got up and staggered to the kitchen for a cup of tea . I figured a little caffeine would probably do the trick . Wrong . Three hours later , I was plotting driving myself to the ER . You see , typically , when I have a migraine , at some point I puke . That signals a turning point in the headache . After puking , I always am able to go to sleep and when I wake up , I 'm better . Well , there would be no puking this time . You see , I was on Zo . fran and couldn 't throw up . I wasn 't even nauseated . Just had severe head / neck pain . Anyway , at some point , I fell asleep . I woke up to my DH saying goodbye as he was heading off to work and wondering why I was sleeping with a " towel on my face " ( it was a washcloth ) . He was completely unawares of the night I had . When he left , I got up and went out to the kitchen , feeling a little better and eager to eat a little something even though my nausea was sneaking up on me again . After I gagged down a piece of toast , I reached for my Zo . fran . Before I could take the pill , I checked out the side of the bottle and there it was . Plain . As . Day . Came in the form of me calling my OB 's office for a prescription for Zo . fran . I shouldn 't have to suffer like this while others tell me that they wouldn 't be able to function without their Zo . fran . I throw in the towel . I am reassured beyond what I can describe that this pregnancy is going well , but I cannot . . . . . CANNOT allow the children that I have to endure a deadbeat mom who cannot get off the couch . It figures that as business hours wind down on the day where morning sickness got the best of me , I have yet to hear from my OB . Please let them call that prescription in tonight . . . . between my blog and I . We started this journey together trying to get pregnant and trying to work through our feelings about secondary infertility . Now that I 'm pregnant , I feel like my blog and I are growing apart . We wanted the same things in the beginning , but now that we 've gotten there , we are just kind of awkward together . I have tried time and time again to write a post , any post and it just doesn 't feel right . My RE 's office called on Monday and asked to move this morning 's u / s to tomorrow because he had to do three retrievals this morning ( apparently the infertility business in BOOMING ) . I couldn 't do tomorrow because my FIL is coming to visit , so they ended up rescheduling my appt for yesterday afternoon . My symptoms had taken a dramatic turn for the better , which had me freaking out , so I was actually happy to see the littles sooner even though DH couldn 't make it because of meetings all afternoon . The wanding began and I made my RE aware of my fears over my symptoms before we started . He said that symptoms are not a hard and fast rule of pregnancy . Regardless , I looked away from the screen as I was in no mood to see shrunken sacs and babies with no heartbeats with my own eyes . ( How effed up am I from my m / c still ? ) Anyway , he immediately told me to look at the screen as he saw Baby A had a heartbeat and went about his measurements . She measured 8w2d ( right on track ) and had a good strong heartbeat of 161 bpm . We listend to the heartbeat and then he held the wand on her for just a moment longer and told me to lay real still and watch closely . After about three or four seconds , she did a little wiggle ! ! It was so sweet , I got very teary - eyed . Onto Baby B who is just a little bit further away from the wand and a titch harder to get a good view of . Measuring also at 8w2d , this one had a heartbeat of 170 bpm . A few more moments of looking around and a handful of pictures later , my wanding was over . : ( I won 't see the babes for another 2 weeks , but when I do . . . . . . . I spoke with Dr . Awesome RE 's nurse for a few minutes after he left the room and when she left , I jumped off the table to go into this little closet area they have to change back into my clothes . I dropped my paper skirt on the ground when I jumped off the table and when I bent over to pick it up , wouldn 't you know that I lined my fricking eye up to the u / s wand that was back on its holder and wanded my EYE ? ! Beside the initial " Ouch ! Oh my god , my eye ! ! " reaction , I also had the " Are you freaking kidding me ? ! That thing has been inside every infertile in the Oklahoma City area ! ! Gross ! ! ! " thought . I was completely alone , but was so embarrassed . I guess it was a good thing that DH couldn 't make the appt . I still haven 't told him . I have no plans to do so , either . Apologies for my late update on u / s # 3 . DH has been out of town all week and my m / s has amped up big time . The last two days have been particularly bad as I have been sick all day and my eating small meals often hasn 't helped as much as it did in the past . I am by no means complaining , just sharing . The gags are the worst part of it all . I really feel that if I can get a good hurl in , I would be a new person , but alas ! I cannot spew . My u / s on Wednesday was great . Baby A - Larry , measured right on track at 7w3d and had a heartrate of 137 bpm . For your viewing pleasure : In a moment of fear and weakness , I called my doctor 's office yesterday and begged for an early ultrasound . Turned out , given my previous IVF pregnancy and what a disaster it was , I didn 't have to beg at all . I was warned that I wouldn 't see a heartbeat ( which I knew ) , but that he would take a look , take a count and tell me if everything is as it should be at this stage in the game . See them little eyes looking at you ? ? Kind of looks like an owl , doesn 't it ? I 'm having twins and they are looking great ! ! Next ultrasound on the 31st ! ! I will be five tomorrow and have no plans of even breathing a word of it until twelve or thirteen weeks . Probably even later than that if it 's twins . Even then I will be waiting for something bad to happen . For the other shoe to drop . So , there was debate about how many embryos we would transfer yesterday . I was told by the embryologist that if we had two good - looking blasts , it would be a hard sell to get Dr . Awesome RE to transfer more than two . If everything looked " average " he would probably be agreeable to it and transfer three to " up " our chances of a successful cycle . We arrived at the fertility clinic and I was nervous that no transfer would be taking place . You know , the fear that sets in over hearing , " So sorry . . . there were no viable embryos this morning when we looked at them . " DH kept saying , " Relax ! This is the easy part . " In the grand scheme of things , he is right , although none of this shit is easy , let 's just be honest . Transfer is easier than retrieval and beats the hell out of an intramuscular progesterone shot , so I opted out of arguing the matter of IVF being difficult in general with the man . We were escorted immediately back into a holding area and were told that Dr . Awesome RE was going to be in shortly to discuss the transfer and quality of the embryos and whatnot . Almost on cue , there he was . We were told that we had two good looking embryos to transfer . He spoke briefly about his recommendation of transferring only two . He assured us that quality was not an issue with our embabies . He then stated that he would be agreeable to three , but wanted us to know what we would possibly be getting ourselves into . He proceeded to talk about prematurity in multiples , possible time in the NICU , developmental delay , etc . Did he think that it would for sure happen if we transferred three ? No . Was it his responsibility to warn us ? Yes . He then left us alone with the embryologist to discuss any questions we had as we made our decision . Deidra : You have a third blast , but I 'm not liking it as much as a cavitating morula you have . It looks really good and would probably be the third . ( Note : A morula is the stage before blastocyst . A " cavitating " morula is a half step closer to blastocyst . ) Deidra : At this point , I would say , don 't count on it . ( Note : The grading system at our fertility clinic is VERY strict . Especially when being graded for freezing . ) She then left us alone and DH and I had a private conversation that I won 't divulge on my blog . I undressed from the waist down and covered back up on the bed . When Dr . Awesome RE came in to wheel me into the transfer room , he asked if we reached a decision . I said nothing , but held up my fingers : * sigh * I knew that yesterday 's high was bound to be stifled a little . Each day , as Deidra said , you are expected to see a drop off . It 's the natural progression of things . As long as we have some good quality blasts for transfer on Saturday , there is nothing to be disappointed in . Yet , * sigh * . I just want it to work this time . We are to come in at 8 : 45 on Saturday and transfer is scheduled for 9 : 00 . I won 't be getting any updates tomorrow as they leave the embabies alone on day 4 and won 't look at them again until the morning of transfer . We spoke briefly about the possibility of transferring three . She said that having a failed IVF cycle before puts us as candidates , but it 's a double - edge sword . If we have two beautiful blasts on Saturday , it will be a hard sell to get Dr . Awesome RE to transfer three . If they are just average , he would probably be agreeable . That 's what we don 't want , though , is " average " blasts . We want beautiful . At this point , they want to see them around 4 cells . She explained to me that an embryo only has so much energy and if it uses up a lot of it in the beginning , it will , unfortunately , " peter out " when it comes time to turn into a blast . She said that , at this point , the 4 - celled ones are our front runners , showing very little fragmentation . Also , one of the 4 - celled ones is " just beautiful " ( in her words ) ! ! Yay ! ! The best part is that she commented that everything looks so much better compared to last cycle . Be it the diet changes , the exercise , the wheatgrass shots , or whatever , something is definitely different this time . In a good way , too ! So , I was negligent in updating my blog after Friday 's ultrasound and E2 . We were pretty sure we were going to go for retrieval yesterday ( Sunday ) . It all hinged on my progesterone level . If it was elevated above 1 . 5 , he was going to retrieve on Sunday . If not , he wanted to stim me one more day in hopes of getting better quality eggs at retrieval . My progesterone was only 1 . 23 . So , we stimmed Friday , triggered Saturday and did retrieval today . My retrieval went well . I am a little sorer than I was last time , but as far as nerves are concerned , there were none . DH and I both felt more at ease this time around . No surprises . As the record comes to a screeching halt . . . . I called my fertility clinic this afternoon to get my final E2 from Saturday 's bloodwork . The nurse I spoke to said that as of Saturday , before trigger , my E2 was 3125 . That is 1000 more than what my estrogen was at the same time last cycle . I got so excited telling her that with one less egg , my estrogen was so much higher . She then informed me that we actually had 15 ! ! They " found " one more after we left . How is that even possible ? ! This morning 's wanding was bright and early at 8 : 15 . I had seven follicles in my right ovary , ranging from 13 . 7 to 19 . 7 . My left only had two this time . Both around 14 . I was disappointed , but they just called with my E2 and we are at 1456 ! ! This time last cycle , I had more eggs ( about 12 , but my estrogen was only 915 ) . It would seem that I have some better quality eggs this time around . Yesterday I had my first " follie check " and blood draw for estrogen level . During my wanding , Dr . Awesome RE and I talked football . I think that maybe a few years ago , I would feel it weird to talk football while being wanded by a middle - aged male , but I digress . Things have changed , apparently . During my wanding , I was told that I 'm responding " well " and " quickly " . I had seven follicles in my right ovary measuring 9 . 8 to 12 . 4 . My left one came in at a disappointing three follicles , 7 . 0 to 11 . 2 . My lining was right on track at 6 . 7 . My E2 was over 600 . I was told to do only half a dose of my Menopur last night and resume the normal dose tonight . During IVF # 1 , my first E2 was 370 . I am responding extremely fast , in my opinion . ER is looking more like Sunday than Monday . Next u / s and E2 tomorrow morning . I 'm hoping to see a little more action in my left ovary , but as DH said , quality over quantity . I had kind of a rude awakening this morning and I wanted to address it on here and put it out in the open . I woke up to a comment on my blog that was pretty rude and hurtful . It was a post I wrote four months ago when I was three weeks out from my miscarriage . It was a post that was full of emotion - anger , frustration and a sadness that I had never felt before . I use this blog to sort through these emotions and it is probably one of the few posts I have ever written that was 100 % honest , despite the fact that what I said wasn 't typical of me , which I clearly addressed in a disclaimer at the beginning of the post . Basically , I was angry after reading another blog where a woman did her second IVF and was pregnant with her second baby . 2 IVFs = 2 babies for her . The whole point of me being upset was this : When you have to resort to IVF to get pregnant , it should work , guaranteed . Plain and simple . I did everything right and followed orders and walked away with nothing . I was hurting . The comment , which I deleted , called me selfish and greedy for wanting more children after having two naturally and that I had no right to hate on anyone who does IVF and has success in it . I was encouraged to appreciate the children that I have and stop obsessing over having more . I know that someone on TWW wrote that comment . ( 1 ) Nobody has ever stumbled across my blog on the internet and ( 2 ) the link to this blog is right at the bottom of every post I make on there . The nasty - grammer also admitted to having tried IVF several times without success . So , I wanted to put it out there for whoever said this that the decision DH and I made to have more than two children is our decision and our business . There are more types of infertility than primary infertility . It is completely narrow - minded to think that just because we were given two children naturally and struggle to conceive our third , that we do not appreciate the ones that we have . Let me ask this : If we had to do ART to have our sons and were doing treatments again , would you thiPosted by Today was my suppression check . Dr . Awesome RE was awesome as usual . My ovaries are nice and quiet . My left one is currently housing 12 follicles . My right is housing 10 . All my levels are good and low . I start Follistim and Menopur on Saturday . Stay the course with my Lupron . First follie check will be Tuesday at 8 : 30 . Then another one on Thursday . Then again on Saturday . ER is looking like Monday the 26th . Wow . This is really happening again . I know that must sound terrible . This blog and your support meant the world to me during IVF # 1 . When everything went to hell , it hurt to keep coming back to this place . This place where I had hope . This place where my dreams were crushed . This place that changed for me after April 25th . So , I attempted to move blogs and start fresh . But it wasn 't enough . I needed a break . I left Oklahoma . I went to the mountains of West Virginia . I took a trip to Hawaii . I spent time with my friends and my family . I took a trip to San Diego . And here I am . . . Four days into Lupron shots for IVF # 2 . I can 't believe I am here again . I should be 26 weeks pregnant . But I am not . I 'm back here . But am I really back ? It 's a rarity that I 'll quote Mike Tyson , but how true are those words ? It seems that everyone makes plans - it 's a part of life - but no one plans on the " hit " that derails it all . Well , our plan was to have a baby and complete our family . Part of the plan , although unplanned , was IVF . The hit was the miscarriage . Part of me is still reeling from it all . Part of me is hopeful enough to try again . Part of me never wants to risk it in case it ends the same way . All of me is too scared right now to make " those types " of plans . So , here we find ourselves with no real plans to move forward in TTC . We won 't even pretend that we 're trying naturally . I know that within a few minutes of leaving DH 's body all of his sperm clump together and die . And I 've heard the , " It only takes one " line of reasoning . I don 't subscribe to fantasy . I 'll sooner be licked by a unicorn than conceive a baby the old - fashioned way . So what can Aub do ? Aub can get the hell out of Oklahoma for a while . Next week the boys , the dog , and your truly will travel 1000 miles over a period of two days back to West Virginia for the whole month of July . DH will join us mid - month and that 's when we will make our way to the Big Island to celebrate ten wonderful years together . I can 't believe it . Seems like just yesterday we were talking over dinner ( a blind date ! ) and here we are . Ten years , eight moves , two beautiful boys , millions of laughs , and thousands of tears later , our story reaches a milestone . I couldn 't have picked a better person to share the novel of my life with . I am a lucky girl ! Those are our immediate plans . I cannot wait to get back to the place that refreshes and recharges me . I know it will be hard to see my family and the few friends of mine who knew about the baby ; I am sure it will be grieved again . I cannot think of a better place , however , to move forward , move on , and find the strength and determination to keep fighting for what my heart has decided is already mine , than in the mountains of my home . This design may ( or may not ) stick . Now that I actually know how to do a design ( template and header that is ! ) I may change it around some until it is just right , but the hearts are staying - one way or another . It feels good to have a change . New season , new blog , new me ? Maybe ! I think I 'm going to host a giveaway ! I knew not everyone would follow me to my new blog and I 'm completely okay with it , but I think once I get to 25 " sweethearts " I 'll shower you with appreciation via gifts . This will take place very soon , within the next week . More details soon ! So , what 's new ? I 've been a horrible blog follower of late . I promise to catch up ! As for me , I 've been doing good . Experienced my first CD1 post - miscarriage on 6 / 2 and then I believe I turned around and ovulated the next week . No joke . I can feel AF coming again and I 'm only on CD 20 . We really aren 't even trying naturally right now . DH was out of town for my spontaneous ovulation . Instead , we are enjoying no - strings - attached bedroom shenanigans . I can 't even tell you how nice it is to do it for the sake of doing it . I feel like I 'm twenty . In other news , and there 's a lot of it , I am back to running and getting into shape ! I 've lost four pounds ( whoop ! ) and am feeling really good physically . I have two solid running partners and all the support from my hubby that I could want . It 's been great to focus on what I can do ( run ten miles ) as opposed to what I cannot do ( conceive a baby naturally ) . Go me ! If you are here from my previous blog , The Deep Silence of a Long - Suffering Heart , you are at the right place . The last two weeks have been really crazy busy , so I haven 't had a chance to move my template over . I will also try to get all my posts from the previous blog here ( if that is even possible ) . Just wanted to let you know that you are in the right place ! Looking forward to getting back to blogging soon . Thanks for continuing on this journey with me . It really means a lot . : ) My blog move will take place tomorrow . If you missed it , you can read about my reasons for moving my blog here . If you wish to continue following my journey ( and I sincerely hope you do ! ) you can wait for the next issue of the LFCA to get the new url or feel free to email me at ravenaub . jackson @ gmail . com and I will give you the new link to my blog . I hope to see you all on the other blog ! * * * * * * I just checked and the LFCA was recently published ( just yesterday ! ) . If you plan on waiting until the next LFCA is published , don 't worry about falling behind , I have been really busy and won 't be posting that much in the next week or so . : ) Disclaimer : I am completely belligerent and irrational today . I 'm bitter and hateful and there is no pulling the reigns back on my emotions right now . This is not the me that I enjoy being . This is the me that this journey is making me right now . I could probably fight hard against these feelings , but I don 't have the strength today . It is THURSDAY and I will feel how I need to feel . I am so angry today . It 's now been three weeks and this last week has dealt me more bad days than good . Now it 's Thursday again and I woke up thinking , " Today , I WOULD ' VE been eleven weeks pregnant . " Is it going to be like this every Thursday ? Will I ever get to just enjoy one without wondering what could 've should 've been ? ? I just want to go back to bed until tomorrow , but I can 't . I 've been so bitter of late . I 've completely dropped off of my two week wait forums . I don 't comment at all on my IVF forum anymore and the miscarriage forum that I joined with the other December 2011 mamas who lost their babies is moving right along without me which is probably for the best . They are all coping amazingly well with their losses and making plans to move forward and trying to get pregnant again . I am not dealing so well with my loss . I WISH I was . Believe me , it would be so much easier to just handle it and move on . While I feel like I 'm handling it , the moving on is the hard part . Certainly DH and I could hope for an au naturale pregnancy , but those odds are not likely . In order to move forward in the TTC department , we would need to make plans , make appointments , make phone calls . So hilarious that making a baby is more about making phone calls than making love . Ha . Ha ha . Ha ha ha . Ha . And what 's funnier . . . I am about as fertile as one could possibly be right now . Ask my good friend unaffected . She was lucky enough to get a picture of my CM yesterday , as it was the stretchiest and most it 's ever been . I was completely in awe of myself and my EWCM . Put me in Ripley 's Believe It or Not . Facebook is full of pregnancy / birth announcements this wePosted by I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so . The last two days have been hard . I 've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours . It 's really confusing because I 'll have a few good days and then BAM ! It hits me out of nowhere . I should still be pregnant . My baby was such a fighter . She / he should still be hanging on . I knew yesterday would be hard . The dreaded Thursday . I thought today would be better , though . It 's Friday . Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday . It 's been hard , though , too . I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things . So many preggos . So many strollers . So many tears in my car afterward . I can 't control them . They are everywhere . It 's not my intention to control them , just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not . I have to be easy on myself . It 's only been two weeks . I 'm trying to focus on what I can do . Now . In the meantime . While waiting to cycle again ( whenever that will be ) . While deciding if we will cycle again . So , I 've made some plans . And I 'd like to share them with you all . 1 . ) Exercise . I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes , I said daily . For six long weeks , I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and ( of course ) I would do it all over again , but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise ! It feels amazing to move again and I 've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air . So amazing to be back out there and be active again ! 2 . ) Travel . Oh the places we will go ! ! First , I am planning on taking my boys ( dog included ! ) back east at the end of June . We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August . While in West Virginia , we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend , Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman . Then , DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai ' i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together . So much lPosted by I hate Thursdays . For the record , I realize it 's Wednesday , but I hate Thursdays and Thursday is tomorrow and I probably won 't blog tomorrow , so I 'll just say it now - I hate Thursdays . You see , each Thursday I would have turned another week pregnant . This week 's Thursday , also known as " tomorrow " , I would have been ten weeks pregnant . Two weeks from proclaiming to the world that we are were happily expecting . Now each passing Thursday propels me one week closer to an unfulfilled due date . Figures . Stupid Thursday . Not cool enough to be " hump day " and not fun enough to be celebrated as the day ushering in the weekend . There is a whole Facebook page dedicated to the hatred of Thursdays . I will most likely be joining it . I am not dead : ) Although there were days where I felt mostly dead , I 've actually been doing alright the last five or so days . We 've had company since the day after my D & C . DH 's dad came on Thursday ( an already scheduled visit ) and he stayed until Tuesday . We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl ( also an already scheduled visit ) . One person left , two people came . Ten days straight of company continues . It has been nice . I have my moments of feeling sad and crying , but for the most part , having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time . On Tuesday , I had my post - op with Dr . Awesome RE . It was more of a sit down and discuss . He told me as long as I wasn 't bleeding , I can start putting things in my vagina again . Yay ! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ; ) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again . Hooray for some type of normalcy ! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors . First , we are going to take a break . Dr . Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage . He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle , that would be alright , but nothing before then . DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September . We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys , visit our families back east , take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July ( Hawaii ! ! ) , get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC . There has been too much forward thinking in the last year . We want to live in this moment . Enjoy today . Well , that 's about it as far as what 's new with me is concerned . My friend is leaving on Saturday and I 'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September . Stay tuned . . . I don 't want to let another day pass without at least telling you all that , physically , I am okay . The D & C went as expected and I am no longer pregnant . I am no longer pregnant . My baby is dead . Gone . Never going to be born . Never going to be loved and looked after and cared for and cherished . I am in a pretty fucking dark place right now . There is nothing to satisfy the emptiness I feel . I just want my baby back . My whole body hurts . From the middle of my back to my knees , I feel my whole body gearing up for what I only imagine is going to be one hell of a period . It 's getting ready to let go . And I have been , too . I want to thank you all for your thoughts and sweet comments . Some of you have been cheering me on since my first post . Others , my first injection . Still others , my first beta . I am so appreciative of all of the support I have received during what had been a crazy , bumpy ride . Truth be told , I think this is coming to an end . I know there 's no way to know for sure until my appointment on Monday . Call it mother 's intuition , I think my baby is tired . It 's okay to let go . I 've been telling her since yesterday that if it would be easier to go , I only want her to know first that I 've been dreaming about and wanting her for so long and I want nothing more to be her mom , but that I understood . I will miss this baby every single day . I know it will be hard to deal with , but I have been told a lot by my DH that he thinks I have been strong and handled everything really well . I hope that I can grieve this loss and find a way to go forward . Although it is not the outcome we had hoped , it is an answer and it is a way to move on and start living again . Oh , my sweet baby . . . . Warning : I curse at the end of this post . Offended ? Don 't read . Last night , I ran a fever . Out of concern , I called the RE 's office and let them know . Of course , they wanted me to come in so they could take a look . The good news ? RE thinks that the fever is viral and that it would pass within a day or two . Bad news : Fetal heart rate was down to 97 . Monday it was 103 . RE is " concerned " . Says time will tell and we will recheck on Monday . He also marked my check - out sheet " high risk pregnancy " for the first time ever and I found the reason why on Dr . Google . http : / / radiology . rsna . org / content / 236 / 2 / 643 . fullDon 't feel like reading it ? Here is the gist . In 300 pregnancies where a low embryonic heart rate was found at 6 - 7 weeks ( low = 100 bpm or less at 6 . 3 - 7 . 0 weeks ) , 188 or 60 . 6 % ended before the first trimester was over . Many ended within a week . ( As in , go back for recheck and find out that fetal cardiac activity had ceased . ) I fall into this category . Yay ! Can 't wait to go in on Monday and see whether or not my baby died . And the best part ? Even if the heart rate recovers , my chances of " first trimester demise " are still 25 % higher than most pregnancies . Fuck you IVF . Fuck the last 3 months of my life and all the hope I had that this bullshit would work , too . If you are uber observant , then perhaps you noticed that my pregnancy ticker has been adjusted . ( Just so you know , I don 't really expect any of you to have noticed that , but it has been adjusted so I thought I 'd share why . ) I went in for my U / S this morning and noticed that they have my LMP ( last menstrual period ) as 3 / 3 / 11 . I thought it was 2 / 28 / 11 since my babies were conceived on 3 / 14 / 11 . Silly me just assumed that the kiddos were created on the " Day 14 " of my cycle and apparently , they were fertilized on " Day 11 " . No worries , I 'm just not 7 weeks pregnant today , I am 6 weeks , 4 days . Due date is 12 / 8 / 11 . ( That seems really far away , doesn 't it ? ) Baby is measuring one day behind and I was told not to worry about that discrepancy . One day does not matter , but three or four days would , so I am choosing not to worry about this . Heart rate was 103 and I was told that for a 6 week , 4 day old fetus , that is perfectly within normal range . At about 8 weeks , the heart rate will jump up to the 120 - 160 range . I am also okay with this . Baby is measuring . 60 cm . Last Tuesday , baby was . 20 cm and when converted to mm , baby grew from 2 mm to 6 mm which is also good . Dr . Awesome RE also found what he believes to be the cause of the bleeding - a hematoma near the baby that is very small ( hopefully all bled out ! ) . I am really pleased to have found a cause . All this unexplained bleeding was not sitting right with me . There has to be a reason , right ? ! I am to come back in one week for another U / S . I am hoping that I can be released to an OB at that point . I just need one week of no drama ! ! RE recommended continued limited activity including lots of rest , no sex , no hot baths , no hot tubs or saunas , etc . All in all , a great report ! : ) I never thought I 'd say this , but I am super sick of blogging about TTC and obsessing over the ever looming threat of a miscarriage . So , I will keep today 's thoughts on these matters short and to the point : My bleeding has stopped . I am not as naive as I was before . It may come back . I anticipate that it will just because I 've become more cynical over the past two and a half weeks . I dare you to blame me . For now , it is gone and I will enjoy every moment of its absence . Now , in other news , I got my hair did today . I feel like a new person ! If I must sit around in my pajamas , I will do so with good hair , darnit . And in more hair news , I ordered my extensions today ! ! Next Friday , I will have 6 more inches of hair ! I cannot wait as I am really impatient and this whole waiting for my hair to grow out isn 't really working for me . Can you imagine ? Five whole months of gorgeous , long , thick , Kate Middleton - ish or a bit longer , hair . And when I take them out my real hair will have grown that much longer . Winning ! See - I 'm not all mopey and grumpy and forlorn all the time . There are lots of things to be happy about . Today , my hair makes me happy . : ) Lots of other less shallow things make me happy , too . I am looking forward to seeing baby bean on Monday . I hope she 's okay in there and still enjoying her stay . I am thankful for my church family who are taking care of DH and the boys and I in our time of need . Someone is coordinating meals and a lady is coming over next week to clean my house . How blessed am I to have such wonderful people who want to be here for us and give us the best chance of staying pregnant ? God isn 't good . He is wonderful ! Here 's a pic of me and the bean today ( and my rockin ' hair ! ) Have a good weekend everyone ! : ) My happiness from Tuesday 's ultrasound was sweet , but short - lived . Late Tuesday night , I passed several ( five or so ) clots and went in for another u / s . Baby was fine . Heartbeat was visible to me from where I was laying . I was told that at this point , I have a 50 / 50 chance of miscarrying . Although I hate those odds , I left feeling relieved . My breathing came easier to me having seen my baby . Now , I am back to the place where everything is distorted . Every positive , good feeling is punctuated by a question mark . Every dark , morbid thought is made darker with uncertainty and fear . I just went to the bathroom and passed another clot along with some bright red blood . Now I am back to dark brown spotting . I don 't know what to do or think . I cannot go rushing in for an u / s every time I see tissue . I feel like I should know by now that a few small clots does not a miscarriage make . At this point , I should feel confident that I 've beaten the bleeding before and that everything will be fine . I should be able to coast until Monday and just see then what is going on . It 's quite easy to separate my logical thinking when I 'm sitting here blogging from how I feel when I go to the bathroom and feel like I 'm looking at a crime scene . When I 'm there , I just want to rush to the phone and call my doc and go running to his office . I am tired . I am scared . I am tired of being scared . I feel like I 'm teetering on the edge of heartbreak . Just when I think I can take a step back and turn away , I am forced to step even closer to the ledge and stare wide - eyed into what would certainly be one of the most awful experiences in life . Today has been " interesting " . What started as any other Tuesday got very scary and then turned out happy . I find myself feeling tired from this roller coaster and wondering what is in store . At around 12 : 30 , I was sitting at the computer and my low back was aching . It 's been hurting since yesterday , but it was giving me some pretty strong tweaks . I also noticed that I was feeling crampy . I went to the bathroom to pee and there it was - blood in my underwear . I peed , wiped ( more blood ) , and when I went to flush , the water was bright pink . I thought this was over . Apparently , I was wrong . I couldn 't help it . I started to cry . I started to shake . I started to panic . I tried reaching DH a few times and didn 't have any luck . I called Dr . Awesome RE 's office and was instructed to come in for an ultrasound . I then called an older lady from my church who knows about our situation and she came over and drove me . I thank God for putting people in my life that I can call for help when I need it . I finally reached DH and he agreed to meet me at the office . He asked that I wait for him to do the ultrasound . I asked him to please hurry as I didn 't want to sit waiting there for any longer than absolutely necessary . DH arrived 15 minutes after I got there with a sprained ankle . Apparently , he was working out at lunch and that 's why I couldn 't reach him . When he finally got back to me and got the news , he took off running to his car and twisted his ankle . Dr . Awesome RE 's nurse was nice enough to get him a bag of ice . We were ready for Captain Condom Wand . I took a deep breath , grabbed DH 's hand in a death grip and looked away . I was too afraid to naively look wide - eyed at the screen . A few seconds later , Dr . Awesome RE told me to look at the screen . One gestational sac , measuring right on track . One yolk sac . One perfect little baby with a fluttering heart . Every single up and down and sleepless night and bad dream and breakdown melted away in that instant . We are in love . And I am on bedrest . For at least until my next ultrasound . My beta today was 6138 . Had it gone to 5800 , it would have doubled . I am feeling very pregnant , too . Nausea , heartburn and so sleepy . All good things , though . Feeling over the moon and excited . Looking forward to next week 's ultrasound . < 3 Yep . This post is about sex . Feel free not to read if it makes you uncomfortable . It needs to be blogged about because it 's kind of what 's NOT been going on around here . I won 't be offended if you don 't read or comment . It 's all good . : ) So the night before my first beta ( the disappointing 31 ) DH and I BDed . It had been so long and we were getting " snappy " toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time . I believe it had been since a few days before ER , so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS , peeps ! ( I didn 't get married to be celebate , you know ! ) So , we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day 's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow . Then the next day 's beta stunk ( by fertility clinic 's standards ) and the following morning , I started to bleed . The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally , as well as physically , D . O . N . E . However , my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding , although heavy , was never painful with large clots , so technically , everything was going along as it was supposed to . Still , we refrained from any form of boudoir fun . It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn 't BDed that one night , the bleeding may never had happened . ( Of course , this is ridiculous , but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy . ) Last night , the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD , he didn 't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition . We decided to wait until after the u / s to make sure that we weren 't up against anything that would make Dr . Awesome RE use the term " pelvic rest " . It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult , we were committed to making sure everything was A - okay first . It 's going to be a loooong 9 days . . . . . I tend to dream a lot when I 'm really tired . It makes sense that in pregnancy I would dream more because by the time my head hits the pillow at night , I 'm exhausted . For the last ten or more nights , I 've been dreaming a lot . A few days ago , I realized that my friend Jenn 's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo . I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said , " No cocktails for you , mama ! " I agreed that this year , I would be DD . Well , last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her . . . DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me . I know that there is a trip , but I have no clue where we are going and don 't plan on knowing until we get on the plane . I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples . Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend , but the point was - I wasn 't pregnant . By the time , May rolled around ( in my dream ) I was having a few drinks . My mind is playing horrible tricks on me . Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound . Why can 't there ever be peace of mind ? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about ? Obviously , throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong , but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward . I feel like I 'm stuck until the 18th . It 's very frustrating . * * Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she 's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer . * * Me : Morning : ) I am still pregnant . DH : Morning . Good . Go eat bfast good for baby . This is how DH and I said good morning to each other . He 'll be back tomorrow night and I can 't wait to see him . My bleeding has stopped . ADIOS ! Don 't come back now , ya hear ? And I thought I would just show you all that I beat the control line 's butt this morning . I 'm feeling happy and optimistic for a change . And here is me ! At 5 weeks 2 days and dressed , ready to go out the door and looking like a human being for the first time in ten days . GO ME ! ! ! I decided to go in yesterday for another beta instead of waiting until today . DH was scheduled to leave for work in Louisiana this morning and he encouraged me to get tested yesterday so that if the results were not good , he would just cancel his trip . Well , I am happy to report that he left this morning . : ) My beta yesterday was 481 . Had it gone to 420 , it would have technically met the requirement of " doubling " . It went 61 above that ! I don 't think anyone can say that this baby isn 't a fighter . The nurses are optimistic , my progress is good . They gave me the " go ahead " to schedule my first u / s , which I did - April 18th ! ! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind , I could . I plan on doing that next Monday . Until then , I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over . My bleeding is now spotting and for that , I am so grateful . Now , if it would just GO AWAY . . . In this moment , I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am . I still have fears and some doubts ( I just want to see my baby ! ! ) but DH and I decided that if yesterday 's beta was good , we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited . We are currently opticited . Here are some pee sticks showing progression . Top and second are both 15DP5DT , third is 16DP5DT , and bottom is this morning 's 17DP5DT : And a digi for good measure : My beta is 140 today . It doubled and then some . My friend Kara informed me that the doubling time was 40 . 85 hours . I honestly don 't know what to think . I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta . If it doubles then , I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound . Still so many worries . My nurses are " optimistic " . I feel like I should be , too . I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby . My bleeding is the same . My thoughts are all over the place . Apologies . That 's where I am right now . In between . Unable to look forward , unable to cope and heal . DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday . We cried together , held each other , stared into each others eyes . So full of hurt , both seeing our own eyes looking back at us . We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping . We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on . Now we can 't even do that . We showered together last night ( that 's where we have our best conversations ) and he said to me , " This is stupid . Your beta doubled , but you 're bleeding . If I could get past the bleeding , I still worry about your beta being low . " It 's true . We haven 't a clue how to feel or what to think . We are in the gray area . I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday ( tomorrow ) . I will be sure to let you know what 's going on as soon as I know . In the meantime , I am still bleeding pretty heavily . It 's bright red and can be compared to a heavier - ish day of AF . I went ahead and POAS this morning . I wanted to see if there was any progression at all . Up until this point , I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end . I didn 't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over . The first pic is 9DP5DT , the second is 10DP5DT , the last is this morning 's 12DP5DT . Talk about total confusion . Today 's test is blazing in comparison . And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red . Sorry if TMI , but this is what I 'm dealing with . I am afraid . Please pray for my baby . My beta doubled . I have been told to stay the course with my meds and come back in on Monday for another beta . Oh , and to rest with my feet up as it appears that I could be miscarrying a twin . Let 's see , what else ? ? Oh , and just so you all know , I don 't expect this to end well still . That may sound pessimistic , but I don 't really hear a lot of low initial betas ending well . Try not to get all cheerleader - y because when the weekend ends , I figure all this will , too . I want you guys to know that I am prepared for what is most likely to come . I will keep you all updated as I know more . Thanks for the prayers and thoughts and offerings of sympathy . I love you guys . Here is a little gallery of things I 've peed on in the last week . For your ultimate viewing pleasure ! Answer Friday ( 3 / 25 ) Out of the case : Answer Saturday ( 3 / 26 ) : Answer Sunday ( 3 / 27 ) : Equate on Friday ( 3 / 25 ) Out of the case : Equate Saturday ( 3 / 26 ) : Equate Sunday ( 3 / 27 ) : Blue Wondfo Friday ( 3 / 25 ) : Blue Wondfo Saturday ( 3 / 26 ) : Blue Wondfo Sunday ( 3 / 27 ) : What do you all think ? Beta results tomorrow ! ! First off , I 'd like to address my grammatical error in the post title . I am aware that the correct way to use that statement is " Everywhere are lines " or " Lines are Everywhere " but I was thinking of the song " Signs " ( Tesla 's cover of it ) when I titled my post and was trying to stay with the style of the song . As you may be well aware , I am referring to my home pregnancy tests having lines . Lots and lots of lines . I 'm PREGNANT ! ! ! ! According to home tests , there is a bun in my oven ! I am beyond shocked and incredibly grateful and just so , so happy and well , plain scared . I 'm going to be a mom again . I 'm giving my husband another child and we want this baby so bad that I 'm scared to death that this isn 't really happening . OR that something is going to happen to take this baby ( or even babies ) away from us . I 'm thinking positively and doing what I can to keep myself and my baby ( ies ) safe , though . What else can I do ? Beta is two days away . Please pray that the numbers are good and we can have a definite answer and can look forward to our first ultrasound . And as always , thanks to all of you who read my blog and share this journey with me and give me constant support and lift me up with your comments . You will never know how much you mean to me , my bloggy friends . A snippet of conversation from before bed last night : ( The scene is a master bedroom with a king - sized bed and a handsome devil of a husband laying propped against some pillows and reading Wikipedia on his Ipod . His wife enters the room , slightly vexed , and says , ) ME - Umm , I need to talk to you about something that could be a problem . DH - Okay . ME - Well , I went to get my progesterone checked today and I took DS2 with me and there was a little stress ball by where they draw blood that looked like a basketball . I assume that people who don 't bring their veins to their blood draw squeeze on the ball and . . . you get my point . . . . . so , DS2 takes the ball and starts playing with it and the nurse does her thing with poking a hole in my arm and then she tapes me up and says to DS2 , ' I need that back if you don 't mind . ' They then start throwing the little basketball back and forth and I say , ' DS2 , we need to go pick up DS1 . Put the ball back on the table and let 's head out . ' The nurse and I talk a little about my progesterone and whatnot and then we leave . DH - What is the point of this moronic story ? ME - I 'm trying to tell you ! ! She asked for the ball back and I thought he put it back on the table , but I just looked in my purse for chap stick and look what I found ! ! ( pulls out little basketball from behind back ) Our son stole the basketball from the fertility clinic . HE STOLE THE BALL ! ! ! ! OUR SON STEALS ! ! ! ! ! DH - He didn 't steal that ball . I took it on Saturday when we went in for our embryo transfer . ME - What would possess you take the basketball ? DH - Because I thought DS2 would like it . ( Scene ends ) Albeit a completely pointless tale , I just had to share . : D : D : D : D : D Happy Tuesday ! ! What do you all think of my babies ? Aren 't they adorable ? They really do resemble my side of the family . : ) Today , I stopped by the fertility clinic to have my progesterone levels checked and I picked up my babies first picture . I asked the nurse if she needed a blood draw for the progesterone or if showing her the welts on my bum would be sufficient enough . She thought I was funny . For real , though , my poor bum . The welts are red , they 're itchy , and they 're ugly . All for the best cause , though . Do you see my babies up there ? : ) Anything for them . Yesterday , as an honest to goodness attempt to make good on my Iron Commentator endeavor , I commented on thirty eight blogs . I am officially ahead of the game . It feels good . Everyone 's story is unique and important . I always find myself writing a paragraph for a comment . I also like to read their other posts and their About Me sections and their TTC stories . Wow , to connect on such a personal level with so many women is a privilege . I hope they feel the same way when they come here . Today I POAS . I know , I know . 8DPO and 3DP5DT is soo , so early . But there was a line . A VFP . A very faint positive . I 'm going to keep it for myself for now , but will definitely share it when I put up progression pictures . Can you believe it ? ! I 'm a little pregnant . Who 'd a thunk ? Welcome to my blog ICLWers ! ! I am going to more than make up for my lack of commenting and returning comments last month by attempting to be an Iron Commentator this month . It will be my act of redemption . I am 30 and so is DH . We are TTC # 3 and I am currently PUPO with twins via IVF with ICSI . In January , DH was diagnosed with antisperm antibodies and although we were given the three IUIs option , we opted to jump into the deep end of IF and go straight to IVF . Honestly , I just didn 't think the IUIs would work . Too much reading about the condition led us to go for what we felt was our best chance at conceiving . So , that 's about it . Grab a seat . Stay a while . At least hang on until next Monday when I have my beta ! So , at 2DP5DT , I am feeling kind of neutral . I keep having positive thoughts for the sake of my little embabies that are trying to make a home in my womb . My mood is peppered with moments of doubt and fear . We didn 't receive a phone call yesterday , so none of the other seven embryos we had made it to freeze . I won 't lie , I cried . I cried because they didn 't get the chance to grow and develop and become our children . I cried because I feel even more pressure for this to work with what we have in there . I 'm not sure if it 's something that anyone else that I 've talked to about understands . I get the feeling that people are too encouraging sometimes . Too optimistic . Is that awful for me to say ? I don 't know . What I do know is I have to allow my mind to go to a place where this may not work . I have to prepare myself emotionally for " no " . Now that we don 't have any frosties , " no " means a lot more . It most likely means the end of the line for us and TTC . I can 't see going through this again . Hope for the best . Expect the disappointment . That 's what IF has taught me . Now that I sound like Debbie Downer ( sorry ) , I will say that I 'm feeling crampy , which I think is good . I rub my belly a lot and talk to my embabies . DH says goodnight to them and asked them several times over the weekend if they were still in there - Posted by Sorry it 's taken me so long today to update you all on the transfer . We went in at nine a . m . and had to wait a little while for the retrieval that was scheduled ahead of us to finish . My appointment was for 9 : 30 , but we didn 't get called back until close to ten . Needless to say , I was more than anxious at that point ! We went into a conference area with Dr . Awesome RE and he informed us that we had two Grade C embryos ready for transfer . I immediately wondered why they weren 't an A or even a B . ( I mean , come on , my husband is an engineer and while I lack a wealth of book smarts , I have incredible life skills and am full of common sense . ) Dr . Awesome RE said that although As and Bs were not impossible , he rarely saw any embryos receive such high marks there . Their grading criteria is very harsh and Cs and even Ds are what he mainly transfers . I had read a few other blogs where they had A + embryos for transfer and while , kudos for them , I actually felt really good knowing that ours had gone through a very difficult grading system and came out with the marks that they did . No worrying ! Not today ! We went back to the area where I was placed to await ER and I was told to strip down from the waist down and that DH could put on some scrubs over his clothes . I snapped this picture of us before we got ready : Awe . . . . the mama and the papa : ) Then we got all dressed ( or undressed as it was for me ! ) and ready . I snapped this pic of DH and Dr . Awesome RE : Spacemen After that , I was wheeled into the OR where I had just had my ER on Monday . They kept me on the stretcher for the whole thing to keep me from having to get up afterward . Dr . Awesome RE placed a speculum ( think pap smear ) into my vagina and then started squirting down my lady parts with saline and talking about how he was creating as sterile an environment for the catheter with the embabies as possible . After the douching , he showed us the catheter that he would be using to insert into my uterus via my cervix . There are actually two catheters : a white outer one for inserPosted by Today I got my last phone call updating me on my embabies ( thanks for the cool name , Rosachka ! ) . It was a little bittersweet getting the last news of their progress before the transfer . As if this week could get any longer , tomorrow is going to drag on forever without even a phone call to look forward to . Also weird to think that the two lucky finalists will be transferred into me ( where they belong ! ) and the rest will be frozen in time . * big sigh * Very thankful that on this windy Thursday we have : ~ 1 nine - cell embaby ~ 5 eight - cell embabies ~ 1 seven - cell embaby ~ 1 six - cell embaby ~ 1 four - cell embabyWe lost one . It was a one - cell yesterday and it never progressed any further . We are very thankful for what we have for sure . She said they looked great . Transfer less than 48 hours away ! I can 't believe I 'm about to be PUPO ! : D Wow ! First of all , I just have to say that I feel such a huge milestone here with this being the 50th post on my little blog about our infertility . I have almost 30 followers , too ! Thank you guys so much for being here for me . All the comments are read and appreciated . I 've also tried to follow all of my follower 's blogs , too . Get the love , give the love , you know ? I have my second embryo update for your viewing pleasure . We have , on this sunny Wednesday : ~ 2 six cell embryos ~ 2 five cell embryos ~ 4 four cell embryos ~ 1 three cell embryo ~ 1 one cell embryoWe definitely have TEN ! ! My little Wilbur runt caught up ! What a fighter ! Yay ! Today was the big day ! ! All these shots , hormones , emotions , and heavy ovaries culminated in what ended up being a very anti - climatic egg retrieval . Yat for that ! I slept well last night . I woke up at five and didn 't go back to sleep after that , but the alarm was set for 6 : 15 and my anxiety kept me occupied for that hour and fifteen minutes . All was good . I showered , dressed , straightened my hair , put on a little make - up and we were out the door at 7oh3 . We arrived at the fertility institute and I was in my gown , IVed up , cracking jokes with Dr . Awesome RE and shaking hands with Mr . Anesthesiologist by quartertuh8 . I kissed DH goodbye and stopped to pee on the way into the OR room ( which was only about twenty paces from where I left DH ) . I had mixed emotions about him being so close to the room where they were going to be jabbing my lady parts with needles . What if I screamed or cried or called out to him during the procedure ? I remember my friend Lisa saying that she felt everything during her retrieval and going from her experience , I was going to need a stick to bite down on or at least an inflatable clown to punch . Once in the room , I put my legs into these cradles which were similar to stirrups , but oddly comfy and Dr . Awesome RE kept me covered while he prepped the u / s machine which I found to be very thoughtful of him . What if my vagina had a case of the Mondays and wasn 't ready for its close up just yet ? He really does think of everything . : ) Dr . Anesthesiologist man offered me up a morning martini that I just couldn 't refuse . While we waited for the drugs to work their magic ( which I was still skeptical that they would ) , I asked RE if he would work quickly because I was hungry and there was a Panera Bread across the street from the hospital that was calling my name . A playful conversation ensued with everyone in the OR sharing what their favorite bagel / bagel toppings were from there . Shortly after I declared , " Cinnamon Crunch bagel with butter , " I passed out . C . O . L . D . I woke up with a Sprite in my hand and Posted by With tomorrow 's ER looming overhead , I find myself feeling very emotional . Of course , I could attribute everything to my hormones and think nothing more of it , but what I 'm feeling goes so much deeper than just high estrogen levels . I feel in awe of the events that are about to take place in the next twenty four hours . I feel grateful for the opportunity to expand our family and fulfill our dreams of another child . I feel privileged to have this chance of motherhood again . I am in awe of God for creating man with the ability to develop technologies such as IVF and therefore the loving provision of helping those who are unable to conceive naturally the fair shake to become biological parents . As much as I give credit to my amazing doctor and his team of highly skilled scientists , the real praise goes to God for his gift of life and all the blessings and benefits that come along with such a precious gift . As a mother of two little boys , I find myself thinking of them , their needs , and how this is going to affect them and I feel so excited for them to be big brothers tomorrow ! DS1 has been a big brother for more than five years now , but for DS2 to become one tomorrow is a huge deal to me . Their lives are going to change forever and I hope their new sibling ( s ) bring them so much joy . This is the last night of just the four of us . Wonderful , epic changes are about to take place ! I feel so much love for my husband and the fact that because of us , new lives will be created soon . It 's so exciting to think about these babies and what they will be , who they will look like , and how much they are already loved and adored . I love sharing my life with such a wonderful man . He is a great dad . Not to mention we make totally gorgeous kids together ( pats self on back ! ) . I have truly never felt so close to him . Through all the TTC heartache , he has been my rock and I love and respect the person that he is and that he has become over these last ( almost ) ten years of marriage . I am awed by my husband . Rarely do I ever strike a sentimentaPosted by

Jon and I enjoyed watching the Beijing Olympics this year and like everyone else was following closely Micheal Phelps , the swimming star who broke tons of records and won 14 gold medals . I also followed his mother closely in the crowd as she would get so overwhelmed with suspense that she had a little fan and a daughter on each side holding her up . She cried every time he won and I thought " that is one proud mother ! " I think that I would like for Ben to win some Olympic gold medals . Jon agreed and we have been discussing at length which sport we should introduce him to in the next couple of months ( from what I gather major athletic stars begun training very early ) . Our criteria is it has to be a safe sport ( no diving or gymnastics ) , preferably a winter and summer trainable sport considering our climate , one we both like watching and one whose equipment and coaching won 't require us to remortgage our house every few years , unless of course Ben shows some early natural and astounding ability and we get a NIKE sponsorship before he starts school ( he could probably go on Ellen too ! ) . We later read that Micheal Phelps has size 14 feet . Ben 's uncle also has size 14 feet and with the way his tootsies won 't stop growing ( he is in size 5 / 6 now which most 2 year olds wear - he looks like a hobbit ) he is well on his way . We think this is the swimming secret ; gigantic hands and feet . . . they are like flippers . So needless to say I am signing Ben up for swimming lessons in the fall for him and Jon to take together . I think he will enjoy this as he really likes baths and he will stay in his grandparents pool until he is prunier then a prune , his lips are chattering and purple and I have to drag him out crying . Well see how this " living through our child " goes . . . if nothing else he will be a good swimmer and have fun summer jobs life guarding . If he doesn 't win a gold for the best country in the world to dedicate to the best parents in the world it will be okay . I will be fanning myself and crying overwhelmed with pride the first tPosted by Because Ben is one I thought he was old enough for hair product . I gel his hair now in the mornings so it is wild , curly and adorable ! His grandparents thought along the same lines that a boy old enough for hair product is old enough for his own lazy boy recliner . I love it because it also looks like it belongs to our living room set ! Ben loves it because it is a perfect bottle drinking chair ! Ben does not like to sit still in anything , including strollers , carts , the bath and most of all his highchair . He likes to eat although he prefers to stand up in the chair as he does it and if he gets away with it on top of the kitchen table . I have tried letting him sit on the kitchen floor with his bowl of food but he generally smears it rather then eat it . My mom and I lucked into finding great clip on highchairs that attach to the kitchen table ( it supports his weight if it supported Jon hanging off of it when he didn 't believe it would ) . We both got one and Ben will sit in it because his feet can touch the chair below it and thus gives him the thrill of standing at the table . He is for now back to eating well . . . and I have stopped , for now , pulling my hair out . And the grand finally ! ! ! 1 - Ben is now I am thrilled to say a GREAT sleeper ! We put him in his bed at 7 : 30 and he wakes up at 7 : 30 on the other side of the clock ! He also naps 2 - 3 hours every afternoon . . . it was a long time getting here ! 2 - Ben has temper tantrums . About 15 - 20 times a day his world ends . Every time I change his diaper , take him in the house , make him sit in a highchair or end a book in fact it crashes down . Ben would be most happy if he could spend his whole day naked in the backyard . . . mommy encroaches on his style ! 3 - He ADORES his grandparents , all of them ! 4 - He knows when Daddy is suppose to come home . At 5 : 30 he starts looking towards the door . 5 - He will finally hold his own bottle . He always wanted me to do it for him . 6 - He still loves apples most of all , although grapes are a close second . If I peel and core one he will eat the whole thing . If I dare cut it in pieces though he will throw it at me . 7 - His loves to get into my plastic bag / cling wrap drawer and take all the sandwich bags out of the box , then puts one on each hand and crawls around with them on his hands . 8 - He loves bathtime , but will not sit down ! 9 - He gives sweet little kisses where he parts his lips and gently puts them on you and smooches his lips around on your cheek until you are appropriately slobbery . 10 - When he gives hugs he ends them with 2 pats on the back , as I imagine he is used to getting . 11 - He gets very upset when he feels he is being pressured to walk , in his own time he will and not a minute sooner ! 12 - He is pointing at everything and wants to know the name for everything he touches . Whew ! There is a lot to tell about such a little person ! I can 't wait to see what he gets up to in the next year ! 365 days ago the sun began to shine a little brighter , our days became longer and laughter louder . Our lives had new purpose , more meaning and our days became more fulfilling . Our love became larger and our bond strengthened . Ice cream got sweeter , flowers more vibrant and the grass grew greener . Moments became magical , time sped up and sleep lost importance . Bubbles were rediscovered and tiny achievements worth celebrating . 365 days ago you were born . Happy Birthday our beautiful boy . . . we couldn 't love you more . Mommy and Daddy Ben celebrated his first birthday today with friends and family . In the future we may celebrate Ben 's birthday in September however as we found out this year that most people are away at the end of August . . . family reunions seem to top the list . We were glad that many people were able to attend and help us celebrate the big 0 - 1 with our little boy , including 4 day old Henry ! Eric Traplin , a local children 's entertainer preformed and Ben enjoyed the bubble machines he brought with him . Jon wore a rock star wig and was a bass player in the band which I am pretty certain full filled number 106 on his life 's " to do " list . I was so glad that Ben dove right into his cake and ate almost half of it on his own ! ! ! It was a wheat , egg and dairy free cake with apple butter but it was his first taste of sugar and I think he is hooked ! I did not bawl during happy birthday as I anticipated I would as it was not his real birthday . . . come next week however the waterworks will begin . I am already feeling awfully nostalgic . I think the party was a success . . . and we took a lot of pictures since Ben won 't remember a thing ! I did not forget , we were still in Nova Scotia when Ben turned 11 months old . Part of being on vacation was being as media free as we could . We did not watch tv or go on the computer ( I only checked my email three - five okay ten times but that was REALLY good for me ! ! ! ) so I couldn 't blog while we were away . 1 - Ben has a full head of hair finally . It is eerily perfect hair . Many babies have hair that grows in randomly or with one long piece that falls in their eyes or sticks straight up . Ben looks like he just came from a barber all the time . Each hair if perfect . 2 - Ben has his 4 top teeth now and 2 bottom teeth . He has been a great teether for the most part and woke up only once crying in the night recently with them . After a trip to the dentist he sent me home with Ben 's first little baby toothbrush . Very cute . 3 - He is becoming a picky eater . Fortunately his diet is pretty healthy so it 's not that he will only eat chicken nuggets , fruit punch and cheese slices but it 's that he will only eat rice bread with apple butter , cheerios , pears and grapes . Anything else lately he will slap my hand away . I put some vegetables , chicken and rice in the food processor to see if maybe he didn 't want more grown up food . One offering of the spoon and a quick splattering of my big boy meal made with love all over me later I had my answer . I guess is could be worse . . . I will let him have his rice toast and count my blessings . 4 - he wears size 18 month clothes . 5 - Ben was sitting at the picnic table eating his imitation cheerios ( made with potato flour and cost a small fortune ) . I looked at him and he grinned up at me swinging his legs under the table . Where did my baby go ? ! He has grown up so quickly I am trying to savour the moments of babyhood that are now so fleeting . He will be running before we know it . 6 - I wish Ben would walk ! It is not a matter or can , it 's will . Ben has been ready to walk for months now but is so busy climbing things that he has not put it on his to do list . I know my job will only get harder as he getPosted by I couldn 't help but notice many of the differences between Ontario and Nova Scotia this time as I was seeing it through Jon 's eyes and taking in more of the details I had maybe overlooked before or just chalked up to being a part of the experience . Clothes Lines - I have concluded there is nothing as fresh and tranquil as the sight of a line with freshly laundered shirts and shorts blowing in the salt air breeze . Most people in Nova Scotia have and use a clothesline . . . In Ontario most people have and use exclusively their dryer . . . I think we need to bring back the clothesline ! Beaches - Beaches in Ontario are plenty in the lake variety . They are nice and big enough that if the wind blows right there are waves that allow you to pretend it is an ocean beech . Some even have soft white sand flown in from California to complete your faux beach experience . The problem with these beaches is that they are measured for pollution each morning . Depending on that same wind and the amount of toxins in the water the beach could be closed three out of every seven days in the summer . My concern is how safe is the water on the other four days and what is my guarantee that I won 't have diareah for a week after swimming . You are left with no choice then to join the other 20 000 people on the shore with your half a towel space of imported sand . Beaches in Nova Scotia however are a different thing entirely . Firstly there are different kinds of beaches . If you don 't feel like getting into a bathing suit and sitting in the sun all day you can put on a sweater and head up to the " shore " to cool off by the ocean breeze and walk along the rocks listening to the waves crashing up and hoping to come across a surprise crab or starfish ( if this post goes unfinished it is because I am driving to the airport ! ! ! ) . We discovered as well that some of the most beautiful beaches remained untouched virtually here when we went on a " busy " day and basically had a whole section to ourselves . Ben loved playing in the sand and letting the waves wash up on himPosted by I was excited to have Jon and Ben meet some family they had not met yet while in Nova Scotia and also play tour guide . I thought I knew my way around pretty well since I have gone most summers of my life . When flipping through the tourist magazine we ordered before we left I realized I had not been to some places I would be interested in seeing as an adult and ones I did see when I was too young to really remember . I jumped aboard the tourvan and let my parents lead the way ! They did an awesome job at giving us a vacation to remember . With the generosity of my grandparents who let us use their home to stay in and my parents who took us everywhere , showed us lots of great sights , took us out for amazing food and gave us use of their car . . . AND a Nanny and Aunt who kept the food coming we were set ! We also had some great weather thrown in for good measure even though the forecast was rain everyday . This is the recipe for a great vacation . I don 't think we could have packed more in a day if we tried ! We went to Port George , Middleton , Greenwood , Kempville , Annapolis , Wolfville , Peggy 's Cove , Halifax , Lunnenberg , Pictou , stellerton and more ! We had LOTS of fish and chips , Jon tried lobster . . . Drew finished it , we had our fill of pie , strawberry shortcake and warm buns ( I just drooled on the keyboard ! ) We went on horse drawn tours , shopped at adorable stores and Jon and Drew even went whale watching ( where they mostly saw seals . . . this made Jon happy as he likes seals better anyhow ! ) . Most importantly we saw lots of the rugged shoreline we came for . 10 days could not have gone by any faster . We blinked and it was time to say goodbye . We didn 't do all the things we wanted to or see enough of the people we wanted to visit . There is then , only one solution . . . we have to go again next summer ! ! It was very exciting to introduce Ben to his extended family that he had yet to meet . Ben is lucky to have 10 grandparents in total , including his great grandparents . . . Whew ! That is a lot of Ben love to go around ! Ben seems to instinctively know when a relationship with someone is meant to be more then fleeting or short term . Friends of mine that he sees on a constant basis he is not that interested but have a grand parent show up at the door and he wiggles with happiness as he outstretches his arms and lets his mouth open with a happy grin . It didn 't take long before Ben was giving his Great Grandparents the same reaction . He is definitely a fan of the grandparent ! Ben was also lucky enough to meet four great Aunts . Three of my Mother 's sisters and one of my dad 's sisters . He especially enjoyed his visits to their homes as they each offered something unique . . . a version of rocky ( my grandparents dog who although sweet would potentially trample Ben in his excitement ) who he could pet , chickens , ( he has never seen these before ! ) flower garden 's with an aunt and nanny who didn 't mind if he popped some heads off the flowers and a lake . Ben took it all in and was always ready to meet the next person or place on our list . I was nervous the days leading up to our flight . Ben does not love being in the car and he as of late hates anything that qualifies as a ride on toy - tractors , fourwheelers , rides at the mall , play bouncing horses at the park or his rocking cow . As soon as you sit him on one of these things the usual easy going and adventurous Ben howls until you take him off . I was very afraid he would classify the airplane as one of these huge ride on toys . My fears went unsubstantiated as he was wonderful and lucky for us our pride and joy was a dream traveller . He loved his great grandparents ( loved my grandfather so much he couldn 't help but yank his hair , grab his glasses and bite im everytime he got near him . . . at one point he picked up his cane and whacked him with it . . . out of love of course . . . ) , the ocean , travelling to new places and being with mom and dad 100 % of the time ( he is now more of an attention adict then ever ! ) We went many places and thus spent many hours in the car . It seems if I am sitting beside him with books , snacks and an off key singing voice he is content to sit there as long as required . Who Knew ? ! I am looking forward to travelling again soon now that I know he is so adaptable ! I have as of late been forced to share my bed , date night and conversations with my husband and his other woman . She goes by the last name " phone " , first name " I " Jon activly persued Iphone . It began the morning she was released and Jon darted out of bed at 5 : 45 am and ran out the door . If I didn 't call him on his now worthless then beloved blackberry to know where he went I only needed to wait a few hours to catch him on the news . . . and then the radio . He was lining up to get his new love . . . Ms . Phone . 10 hours later Jon was the proud new owner of one of the first Iphones ( I would like to add that it took less time then this for me to give birth ! ) . He has since then spent countless hours bonding with her . He buys her whatever new accessory she could ever want and never lets her battery get too low . He downloads lots of useless applications that turn her into semi entertaining things like a zipo lighter flame ( to use at a concert I may or may not be invited to accompany them to ) , a flashlight , and downloaded video console ( this works at pacifying Ben in the car so she gets half a point for that . . . ) . When I ask Jon to stop playing with his toy at the dinner table - driving - church etc he shoots me a look and reminds me with less patience then before SHE came along that it is not an " TOY " but a vital business tool ( that he is using to watch the top utube videos on ) . When I try to show interest in her Jon will hover over me like a nervous new parent while I fiddle with the gps application or the camera phone . After I do anything on it Jon quickly needs her back so he can try to either undo what I just did or try to do it better . It must be a loyalty thing . . . Well I am happy that Jon is happy but not happy enough to let him get a blueray console . . . another new technology that will leave me another notch behind ! If I could just figure out how to beam light through my fingertips , take a picture with my nose and have maps in my head then maybe I could even out the competition . Until then Ms . Phone until you develop applicationPosted by Ben is speaking more clearly now and has a few words he used frequently that are similar . " Mum mum " is his favorite snack , rice husks called " mum mum 's " . " Mo mo " is " more " and finally " ney ney " is me . . . it is sounding more and more like " Jenn " and then it occurred to us that why would he call me anything else ! Everyone calls me Jenn and all day long when I was doing daycare the other kids were calling me Jenn and I was referring to myself as Jenn . . . HA ! I wonder how long this is going to last ? Ben climbs everything . . . slides , shopping carts , couches , coffee tables you name it he climbs it ! This means that I can 't leave him alone for a second so when I need to use the washroom or run upstairs I put him in the highchair for a few moments and trust that he is safe there . . . until now ! I came in the kitchen to find him standing up and rocking the back . I don 't know how he managed to get out of the straps let alone the tray that was pushed up tight against him ! What are we going to do with him now ? ? ? I came across this blog today . A day when I needed perspective . A day when I allowed complaint to creep into my thoughts . I was teetering o . . . I hate Laundry . I really really loath it . When one of my children spoils an outfit before 10 am I know there are probably 2 more plus pajam . . . So I figured 630 posts was a good number to retire this blog on . . . I have a new blog now . . . I hope you check me out ! I am having a hard . . . I started a new gym today . . . and braved my first fitness class . With other women , and many many mirrors . It was intimidating , all that lu lu . . . I have a problem . Not a serious problem . . . but a chronic one . I lose my keys at least once a week and my cellphone ? It is perpetually dead i . . . Our favorite time of the week is when we go to farm school . Yes , that 's right , farm school . It is as awesome as it sounds . At the same f . . .

This post has actually been a long time coming , but I just haven 't sat down and actually written it yet . College has , for the most part , been kicking my ass . Repeatedly . With a stick , too . This year , for some reason , really makes me take a good hard look at myself and really be proud to say , " I 'm glad of where I 'm coming from , and I 'm glad that I 'm the person that I am . " Which translates to , my family raised me right . This goes beyond good manners like saying , " Please " and " Thank you , " ( which my mother seems to think I 'm going to forget to do every time I leave the house ) but just to being a good person in general . That when someone needs help , you simply don 't walk away and say , " I don 't have time , " and instead , you help them . Even if it 's something small , like helping them pick up loose change that they dropped , it only takes a moment . Like holding the door for someone who has their hands full and can 't really reach their keys or the door handle . Common human courtesy , really , but you 'd be amazed at how many people simply don 't do it . It doesn 't take a lot of effort , even if you 're in a hurry because you 're five minutes late to class , to , when someone 's making your delicious white chocolate mocha on a Monday , ask them how their weekend was . Ask a simple , " How are you ? " And when you get your delicious white chocolate mocha , smile genuinely and say , " Thank you . " Maybe it 's because I 'm in the food service business and I know what it 's like to go through a lot of effort to make a night special for someone or to accommodate them for some reason . If they can 't have strawberries on their cheesecake , I make sure that I don 't bring them strawberries . And I think , that in today 's society , we 've forgotten how to be nice to each other . Simply nice to each other . Without asking for anything in return , except company , and probably a smile . It seems as though everyone has to have a purpose , a motive . Or , if not most , then quite a damn few . It 's the little things that we can do for each other that compound into larger things , and Posted by So , when you apply for college , they want you to tell them everything about you ; what extra - curricular things you do , what sports you play , what hidden talents you might have ( nose kazoo falls into this category , in case you were wondering ) . They also want you to tell them why you 'd be a good fit at their college , how you would , to use that wonderful cliche that we all love hearing so much , " broaden your horizons . " I like to think that occasionally mine expand , kind of on their own or with the help of my friends . Tonight was one of the latter occasions . My campus has quite a few international students . I could probably look up the percentage , but I feel kind of lazy and am expecting a phone call from my parents in a few minutes , but mostly I just feel kind of lazy . Of these international students , there is a very large Asian population on campus . Out of all my friends , I think about 1 / 3 of them are Asian ( Jenny is a Chinese native , that 's where the rest of her family lives ) or of Asian descent . Then there 's a few who find the culture very fascinating ( like , someone may find Russian culture very interesting and immerse themselves in Russian - which , is kinda sorta an option here ) and can speak the language almost like a native . All of this combined led me to Sushi Night . I know right now that those of you who know my digestive issues are cringing and going , " SUSHI ! ! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING ! ? ! ? ! " Bear with me . I am of the mindset that you only live once . Along with that , I 'll try almost anything as long as it won 't land me an ambulance ride . Even then , if it might get me an ambulance ride , I 'll at least wear a helmet . So , lo and behold , for dinner , myself and a group of friends trucked up the hill to the ballroom and proceeded to make sushi . I had no idea what I was doing , but that way okay . Honestly , there were quite a few people there to teach me . It 's not really as difficult as you think it is . You take a sheet of seaweed . I don 't recommend going in the lake for this , because you 'd probably end up growing somethPosted by I walk a fine line at the moment , somewhere between peace , prosperity , and all that bullshit , with heartbreak and general life on the other side . I think everything is just happening at once , which , let 's face it , when things like that happen you have no control over them . But it 's a little much . And maybe I 'm having a hard time handling it , but this is the third time this week that I have wanted simply to burst into tears . And right now , after a thoroughly horribly chemistry exam which , quite frankly , I really do not want to talk about , I 'm ready to take this boy situation ( read " asshat " ) and try to get that figured out once and for freaking all , because that 's part of what 's driving me up the wall . The signals ( which , let 's face it , I can be quite dense sometimes , but I think this is pretty clear . If not , I 'll come back tonight , get in the car , and immediately head for Wegman 's for another pint of Ben and Jerry 's and head to Em 's for a session of RENT . Let 's home it doesn 't go there . ) are , like I said , pretty clear , I think , and I really need to figure this out before I completely lose my sanity , or what little of it is left . I have never quit anything in my life , a fact that I am quite proud of . But , in all honesty , so far my lovely self - conscious - doubt has kicked into overdrive , and has left me wondering if I can do this . It 's not like I 'm not trying , but , maybe this is like soccer ( which , in case you didn 't know , I went through all of pre - season and then was told that I was not fit enough to play at that level and to take the season off and work on my fitness , which , for someone who has played every season since she was 4 , was a bit much to take ) and my best just isn 't enough . At the same time that I think that , I look at some of the people that I go to school with here , and think , " How the hell did you get into college , let alone this one ? " Just the fact that I go into the school I go to should say something , but . . . I know everybody has self - doubt , but this is ridiculous . I 'm not at the point where I just want Posted by Hi ! Those of you who actually read this thing must be wondering if I had fallen off the face of the earth . If you 're my mother , you actually wrote to me in an email : " Did the cows crap and the pigs eat you ? I haven 't heard from you in forever . " I 'm still waiting for someone to explain to me how I can consciously get eaten by a pig . Then I realized that my mother must be spending more time with my sister , because I expect something like that from her . She comes up with the best stuff . For example , " Holy crap on a cracker , Batman . " Come on , you can 't buy stuff like that . I 've been trying to get a solid handle on things . But I think I 've come to the realization that I might not have a solid handle on things , that I might just have to settle for something more or less along the lines of clinging on for dear life . As long as I have a two - handed hold and am in no danger of being bucked under an oncoming bus or something , I 'm okay with this . It 's actually not a bad way to live . Might be hell on my blood pressure , my stress level might not love me , and my psoriasis might pick this time to say , " hey , winter 's coming , bring on the constant itchiness so people look at you oddly . " Or , more oddly than normal . And , as usual , my novel seems to want to pour itself out of my head and onto paper faster than I can possibly get it . Rather , more accurately , wants to pour itself out when I don 't have the time to really sit and get it out . Which reminds me that I really need to transcribe my acting essay before I have to go meet my lab proposal group at o ' dark thirty . Then get some semblance of sleep and be up and functional for class at 7 : 30 . First thing to go is my contacts at the moment , because my eyes are starting to burn . Well , not really burn , but more or less get fuzzy in a way . Like my contacts are moving around when they really shouldn 't be . This is nothing new . It happens when I get tired . I 've actually gotten more comfortable wandering around in my glasses . I used to not really like it . It 's more or less a fact of life now , the Posted by So a few weeks ago , in the second or third teaching seminar that I had , we did this thing called , " I Am From " and you were supposed to write down things that signified where you were from and who you are . They could be general things , or they could be worded so that only you knew what you were talking about . After some examples , we were told to do our own , and then , if you wanted to , share . I didn 't get to share mine with my seminar , and I 've been thinking about sharing with you fine people for a while . So , here it is . I am fromhills , fenced - off fields , and TTB loveand old ragged apple tree , and a 50 gallon drumI am fromwest winds , piled leaves and soccerflopping water and " may I help you ? " I am froma large family treegeographic closeness , " get away from me " the ultimate age gap " where are you going ? " and living on the center line . ( This was all that I got down in the five or so minutes we were given to do this exercise , but I think it 's more than enough to convey where I 'm from . And what I am . ) One of the problems with writing a novel over the course of five years ( and then some , I 'm still going ) is trying to remember what exactly it was you wrote in the beginning . Last night I was looking through part II ( the second hundred pages ) trying to see if there was a logical place to stop and split it ( I 'm thinking of self - publishing at this point , and splitting it would allow me to begin that process while still finishing the rest of it . The only snag that I can think of is that if I do publish the first part , I can 't change it to reflect anything that may happen later ) and I 've found some interesting lines that have made me seriously go , " What ? I wrote this ? " Let me give you an example . pg 116 : " Trying to get something like that out of Jack is like trying to cook a still - living raccoon . Both put up a damn good fight . " - GinI looked at it and honestly couldn 't remember writing that . Really , I don 't . I do , however , vaguely remember writing this . pg 327 : " This is different , " Jack said , his hands resting on his knees . " There won 't be anything in there to throw us apart . It 's not like last time . And there 's no trees . " Ral nodded enthusiastically but Kayley ignored him without her usual flair . " It 's not different . What if you do something , even accidental , and it screws him up even more ? " she said . Seeing Ral 's hurt look , she hastily added , " Not that you 're screwed up , of course , Ral . You 're just really different . " Ral shrugged ; it was his way of saying that it was alright , and he sighed . " Look at him , Kayley , " Jack said softly . " He didn 't ask to be magically mute and sealed to the floor . I did it , so I 'm going to fix it , even if I have to go in there . " He pointed to Ral 's head . Actually , I think the classic example of forgetting what I 've written would be when I made the Fates ( I had to give my world a religion , so I gave them the Fates . ) Not only are the Fates brother and sister , but they have three children , who are prophets . Yes , you read that correctly . And believe me , it 's not something I did on purpose . I only rPosted by ( Sorry it 's been so long . Things got a little nuts . And I got a little distracted . That I 'm still trying to figure out . ) It was a good game . We won , of course , and there was the proper amount of chest - thumping involved all around . It was a chest - thumping testosterone fest of manliness , come to think of it . It was quite impressive . It was after dinner , shortly before dark , and I was curled in my chair , physics book in hand and hi - liter at the ready . And I 'd been staring at the same sentence for roughly five minutes . My focus seemed to have taken a holiday . Not surprise there . It was a Saturday night . I jumped about a foot in the air at the knock on the door . The brick of a physics book hit the floor with a solid thump . I was amazed it didn 't chip the tile . " Hold up , " I called , heaving myself out of the chair . If I was expecting anything , it definitely wasn 't a recently - showered Murphy , looking down at me with a shy , expectant smile . " Hi . " " Hi . " He shuffled a little . " What are you doing tonight ? " Flat - out : Probably nothing . I should do homework , but , with my Focus on Holiday there was a good chance I was going to get nothing accomplished . " Not much of anything , " I said . " Why ? " He shuffled again . Holy shit . Murph was fidgeting . " Will you come out with me tonight ? " I gaped . He wanted me to come out with him ? Out socially ? " Like , out out ? " I asked stupidly . What other out could he possibly mean ? Damn I was dense . Murphy fidgeted a little more . " Well . . . yeah . . . " There was so much potential when I looked at him , so many places this could go . It was kind of like a date . Almost . Sort of . . . " So , will you ? " I was nodding before I could form the word , " Yeah . " He grinned , albeit shyly , a hint of color in his cheeks . " I 'll pick you up at nine . " " Okay . " The butterflies began in my belly when he turned away and I shut the door . I was going out tonight with a boy . With Murphy . Why was I suddenly so nervous I was going to throw up ? Because I liked the boy . Really liked the boy . A quick glance at the clock told me I needed to get moving . I only had fortPosted by Alright . Well , if I were to call myself a bit of an oddball , I really don 't think anyone would protest much . And I was looking through some blogs and I found this really interesting thing on Picture Imperfect where she did 44 Odd Things About Me . And since I take those all the time on Facebook , and it looked kind of interesting , and is helping me procrastinate on my homework that I brought with me on break , I thought , well . . what the hell . Let 's give it a go . You might find something out that you didn 't already know . 1 . Do you like blue cheese ? Hell . No . 2 . Do you own a gun ? Nope . 3 . What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite ? Cherry . 4 . Do you get nervous before doctor appointments ? Yup . With all the health issues I 've had , I still get a little nervous even though I know nothing 's wrong . 5 . What do you think of hot dogs ? Another Hell . No . 6 . Do you have a big family ? You have no idea . 7 . Favorite Christmas movie ? Oh , this is easy . It 's Santa Clause is Coming to Town which is one of those old stop - motion animation ones . Actually I really like Jack Frost , and The Year Without a Santa Clause , too . And those are stop - motion as well . The Heat Miser songs cracks me up still . 8 . Favorite thing to drink in the morning ? When I 'm home , coffee . When I 'm at school , milk . School coffee can burn a hole through your car engine . 9 . Can you do push ups ? Yes . My last fitness test I did 28 in 30 seconds . 10 . What 's your favorite piece of jewelry ? My spiral ring and my starfish pendant . 11 . Favorite hobby ? Soccer , writing , reading , procrastinating . ( Yes , I have turned it into a hobby . . . maybe I can convince my college to let me major in it . . . ) 12 . Do you have A . D . D . ? No ? 13 . What 's one trait you hate about yourself ? My procrastination . Yet , somehow , I always manage to get everything done on time . 14 . Middle name ? Louise 15 . Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment . History . Cookies . Nap . 16 . Name 3 drinks you regularly drink . Water , Coffee , Orange juice mixed with Cranberry juice . 17 . What Is Your Favorite Holiday ? Thanksgiving . 18 . Current hatPosted by There are really only a few things that confuse me . At this point in my life they are the inner workings of organic chemistry and boys . And not necessarily in that order . Does my tea have a green tint in it ? Swear it does right now . I digress . Considering I just woke up from an hour and a half nap and have Serenity playing in the background because I 'm , once again , simultaneously working on my homework and blogging while having background noise because otherwise my Focus won 't have a damn thing to stay grounded to . Which is kind of like me , at the moment . I 'm wondering what exactly I 'm grounded to . I feel so lost in this mountain of crap that 's going on - homework , classes , my teaching placement twice a week - and I think I just need this week to be over because I need fall break to just breathe and , in some ways , catch up . To make things even crazier , toss in a boy . Now , even on my good days , they confuse me . Just like most men say , " I don 't understand women , " yes , well , the reciprocal is true for us . We just don 't get you , sometimes . Because , whether you like to believe it or not , some of us aren 't all the confident ones you see in class , willing to set aside our self - consciousness about our bodies and what 's normal and everything else to do a simple sound and motion exercise in acting . Especially in front of people we don 't know . You 'd think it would be easier , because we don 't know the people we 're in there with . In a way , it 's not easier . Because all we have are first - impressions of each other that painful first week , and sometimes it takes a little longer to get comfortable with the people you eventually have to act like a squirrel around . I believe I 've passed that point a while ago ( about two and a half weeks , to be exact ) but this right is throwing me for a loop . Maybe I 'm just dense . It 's been said before . Hell , I 'll even say it about myself , right along with some days my common sense takes a vacation with my Focus and my motivation . I think they head off to slightly quieter places , maybe with less stress and Posted by The title up top means that this part is taken from the seventh part of my novel ( pages 600 - 700 , but not the whole 100 as that would be kind of pointless and a a waste of time . And I don 't want to share that much . ) This is the part I 'm stuck at . Any suggestions on how to get unstuck would be fabulous . Ral looked at the palace and his heartbeat doubled . Bella stood in the doorway , safe from the damaging rays of sunlight , eyes wide and tearful . He winced with each step he took and didn 't care ; each painful movement was taking him closer and closer to her and that was all that mattered . When he reached the steps she moved into the sun for a moment , gasping at the pain , smoke curling from her unprotected forearms and she eased herself back into the shadows . She was shaking , arms wrapped around her middle and Ral could see she was wearing one of his shirts , and a pair of breeches . " Bellandra ? " He slipped into the shadows and she backed away from him . It was the exact opposite that he was expecting from her ; he had anticipated having to catch her , hold her tightly and reassure her that he was there , living and breathing . This was something he was unprepared for and his brain was struggling to come up with something to do to fix it while slowly and cautiously knitting his link with Jack back together . " Ralurick . " She worried her lip with her fangs . It was a nervous habit , one he hated to see her do . She was also still away from him . " Are you … . alright ? " His knee twitched involuntarily and he worked hard to hide his wince . " Fine . A little sore . " It was an understatement but she didn 't need to know that . He 'd never had to ask for a hug before and found the entire idea of doing such a thing a little ridiculous . Still , if it would get her in his arms so he could figure out why she was shaking so badly , he 'd bribe her if he had to . " Hug ? " Bella hugged herself tighter and shook her head . Ral 's eyes widened . Whatever was going on in her head at the moment was very , very bad . He took a deep breath . " BPosted by

Are Lockdown Drills Necessary ? December 22 , 2011 Hi Folks ! This reader talks about an issue that I am of two minds about . On the one hand , I truly believe - based on FBI statistics - that schools are extremely safe places and school shootings / terrorist attacks / mayhem are rarer than rare . On the other hand , tornadoes are pretty rare , too , and we had our share of those drills when I was a kid . Of course , preparing for tornadoes ( and fire ) had a different social message to it . We were preparing for acts of God , not acts of unspeakable human depravity that just might be committed any day by anyone - even a fellow student . So mostly , I think that these lockdowns are unnecessary and based on an excessively , nay , outrageously pessimistic view of our times . And now let 's hear what you think . Here 's the letter that prompted such musings . - L Hi Lenore : I 've just been reading Steven Pinker 's " Better Angels of our Nature , " and he gives you a generous few paragraphs in his section on violence and children . … Lately I 've been having a fun time banging my head against a wall at the school I work at , where lockdown drills are mandated twice a year . Not only did my colleagues not want to listen to my arguments , they actually became angry and resisted the whole process of public debate ! One colleague actually took issue with the statistics , suggesting that we could extrapolate a " trend " from the microscopically rare incidents I had enumerated , and which therefore supported the kind of drastic action our board seems to think makes sense . I 'm still kind of shocked that there should be so little regard for either fact or debate amongst educators . I 'm sure you must feel the same frustration I do . School violence is actually WAY down . Here 's an interesting excerpt from a Q & A session with Pinker on the Freakonomics website , which is salient : One necessity is greater statistical literacy among the population and especially among journalists . People need to think in terms of proportions rather than salient examples , to appreciate orders of magnitudes ( ten thousand deaths versus ten million deaths ) , to distinguish random blips from systematic trends , and to be aware of - and thereby discount - their own cognitive biases . When Harvard revamped its undergraduate curriculum a few years ago , I lobbied ( unsuccessfully ) for a statistical and analytic thinking requirement . I have been doing as Pinker tried to do , and arguing for a greater emphasis in on analytical thinking in the curriculum , as I 'm more and more convinced that universal cognitive biases such as the Availability Heuristic and the Confirmation Bias , among others , ought to be taught formally , so people are at least aware of them . As Northrop Frye told us , thinking is a skill , not an innate ability ( but my students react angrily to that assertion as well ! ) - A High School Teacher to the North I read a book recently that , while a bit dry sometimes , makes for EXCELLENT reading for analyzing our critical thinking skills and helps to point out things like the " availability heuristic " and " confirmation bias " that the teacher talk about . I highly recommend it . It 's called , " Future Babble : Why Expert Predictions Fail - and Why We Believe Them Anyway " by Dan Gardner . I am truly amazed on a daily basis how so many of my educated friends take singular examples and use them to " prove " things as fact . I would support any push to require more statistical analysis and critical thinking in the classroom ! I agree there 's a problem , which Lenore elegantly calls ' worst first thinking ' . From my experience of writing , giving talks and running training around risk in childhood , I think a combination of hearts and minds is needed . Of these , the heart comes first . We need to get school leaders to care about the messages they are giving kids when they run these drills . Numbers come afterwards . Everyone should read " Better Angels of Our Nature , " he 's got some really great stuff in there about war and homicide and rape and children and so forth and it really fits in with Lenore 's outlook here but addressing more aspects of society in less depth . ( I have to admit I haven 't finished it though . . . I don 't like to read graphic descriptions of violence right before I go to sleep so sometimes I get a bit stuck . ) I 'm still working that one out in my head , but I think I might disagree . I think it hugely depends on how it 's presented . And two drills a year seems a little excessive . But having some sort of plan in place to me fits more in the ' prepared ' category than the ' paranoid ' area . Now , what seems smartest is to have a general emergency drill , not specific . Isn 't the point to teach kids what to do when emergencies do happen ? You 're not telling them to stay home , you 're teaching good life skills ( again , this depends how it is presented ) . It 's unlikely we 'll have a house fire , but we should have a plan in place for if it does . Yes ? Or am I making a poor comparison ? I think the general emergency drill solution is the best idea . Kids hear enough about the dangers in the world from the ubiquitous media - we don 't need to be specific about which dangers might be avoided by following the directions for the emergency drill . During the cold war era , we had nuclear emergency drills , but they were just called emergency drills . Some kids knew that crouching in the hallway under our coat hooks was supposed to save us from nuclear disaster ( whether we believed it or not depended largely on our parents ' politics ) , but most kids just saw the drill as a welcome opportunity to experience something other than sitting at our desks . Our teachers did not elucidate what could happen if the bomb struck , but just expected us to follow directions and not goof around too much under the coat hooks . Kids can learn what to do in a specific situation without dwelling on the purpose for it . Sometimes " just do what you 're told " is okay . That said , I do think it 's important to let our kids know that the world and most of the people in it are basically harmless when reasonable care is exercised ( reasonable care = critical thinking ) . We must teach kids to be observant and not to be afraid to communicate honestly . And then we must listen to them . ps Substitute teachers and their classes are screwed during a lockdown situation . I was bored one day while subbing and read the lockdown procedure I found taped to the wall in the classroom . The teacher is supposed to lock the door . Well subs don 't have any kinds of keys . We have to get the janitors or other teachers to unlock the classroom for us . So yeah … . . certainly would suck for me and the students if something like that happened while I was subbing . We would be the only unlocked door in the school . I would probably tell everyone to go out the window if the shooters were not outside . Otherwise we are sitting ducks . Perhaps the approach is to adequate the emergency protocols to local threats . I don 't see the need to brace ourselves for a tsunami here in Madrid . But it 's sort of necessary to be on the lookout for fires or terrorist threats … BTW , about a couple of years ago , there was a holdup in an elementary school ( in Mexico , I think ) . There was this teacher who behaved heroically , getting her 3yo kids on the floor and calmly singing to them while shootings went on in the hallway . The kids , little more than babies , were all calm and some even sang along with her . Astounding . Okay , so which is more important : Having the lockdown drill , assuming the worst in humanity , OR having lives needlessly lost or destroyed when humanity 's worst come into a school and start shooting it up ? Frankly , I 'd rather assume the worst and hope for the best . Plus , and here 's a RADICAL thought , maybe there are teachers who aren 't sure what to do and the drills help them ! Regarding Pinker 's larger point , I don 't think there is any way to get the general population to think rationally and statistically . But somehow , and this is always the mystery to me , somehow people didn 't used to think * this * way . No , they weren 't all statistical geniuses , but they didn 't file lawsuits whenever a kid got hurt , and they didn 't tear down all the swingsets on the off - chance that someone might strangle . So the huge unanswered question is , what changed , and how can we change it back ? It 's all in the delivery , and there 's just no way to control for tone / attitude . So while a neutrally presented " here 's how we prepare for a very unlikely thing " could be smart and even comforting to a child , a panic - laced ritual of fear would be ineffectual and probably traumatic . I dislike them in general , and I work in emergency preparation . Drills are important , but only if people really understand why they 're doing them and how can you make a kid understand a lockdown drill without terrifying them ? Our district is having a police / teacher meeting , which parents are invited to , to address concerns about children being approach at bus stops . The very same letter describes how there have been 2 incidents . One was quickly shown to be a " non criminal with no intent to commit a crime " incident in which a parental acquaintance had the nerve to approach children she knew at the bus stop . ( Fool ! ) The other is under investigation . So we 're having a meeting for a non event and something being handled appropriately by the appropriate parties . Why ? I 'm at least pleased that the tone of the note was very neutral , almost wavering into " we know this is pointless but seems necessary . " I was in middle school when Columbine happened , so by the time I got to high school , " intruder " drills were in place . Even as a high schooler , I saw the main , fatal ( forgive the pun ) flaw in the plan : most school shootings are perpetraded by students who attend the school , so the student attackers would be familiar with the drill ( which struck me as a huge " duh ! " at the time ) . You can 't plan for something like that without giving away the plan . It 's a Free Range tenant : we have to accept that there are certain events for which we cannot plan . Preparation will only do so much . 1 . Drama lama of a student reported a man with a gun threatening a woman outside of my room . Turned out to be man with old style large cellphone beating his wife . 2 . There was a momentary confusion of 2 girls with very similar names during dismissal on the 1st day of school . ( think Molly Caldwell , Shelly Shawell ) . Before it could be cleared up the Mom attacked the teacher and the parents went tearing through the school pulling down displays , banging on locked classroom doors threatening to kill all of us . 3 . An armed robber held up the store next door to the school . He then ran through our school grounds chased by the police . The police lost sight of him as he rounded a corner near an open door . They weren 't sure if he went across the street or was hiding in the building . We were locked down while they searched the building . During that time we have also had 2 real fire drills ( AC equipment in the building started smoking ) , 0 real tornadoes , and 0 real shelters in place ( We have a railroad that runs behind the school . That has chemical tankers daily ) I don 't have a problem with drills . Preparedness is empowering . However , for a drill to empower rather than create fear a few things need to happen . First twice a year is too much for a remote possibility . Once a year is plenty . Second it needs to be presented to students in an empowering way . Telling kids " we 're doing this in case of ( insert threat here ) is not empowering . Packaging it with things like basic first aid , other emergency preparedness and emphasizing that they will likely * never * need it but it 's good to know and using it as an opportunity to teach how to assess a risk and use critical thinking skills to evaluate and act on a situation calmly . Showing kids how the skills learned from the drill relate to other things ( like not freaking out over a pop quiz or something in their home life goes really wrong ) makes this useful not only in case of emergency but in every day life . We just had a lockdown this week . There was a shooter less than 3 blocks from school . Shot an officer in the head while responding to a domestic call . The school thought it was safer to keep the children inside the school until law enforcement found the shooter . ( So children were not walking home past the barricaded house while the SWAT team was securing the location , etc ) Parents were not allowed to come to the school until after 630pm to pick up the kids . In a situation like this , I think it 's ok to prepare for what - if 's . It 's good to prepare teachers on how to calm down and entertain children in any situation . They report the last time someone was killed in this small town was back in 1970 . I didn 't read all the responses , but I 'm becoming of the opinion that the drills are a good thing . My kids go to a smallish private school . We never gave a thought to intruder drills because we are a tight knit community . Then the Amish school was attacked several years ago . Now we have intruder drills because we learned that even tight knit communities are at risk ( albiet small risk ) . If the Amish wouldn 't be considered a tight knit community what would ? This week we also had a small school to the north of us about 15 miles go into lockdown until 7 : 00 at night because a nut job was on the lose in the town and they didn 't know where he was . He eventually shot and killed himself . He was seen at the school that morning . So yeah , at this point in history , I don 't think it hurts to empower kids to know what to do in an emergency . It 's all in how you present it . What are the odds of getting in a car accident every day ? Pretty small ? Yet we wear a seat belt EVERY TIME we are in a car . This week I came across two car accidents before emergency personnel . I was in fact just a few car lengths from having my van totaled with my four year old daughter in the exact spot in my van where the car creamed into another van . ( No this isn 't a post on seat belts , I know FRK is totally in favor of seat belts ! Just drawing a correlation between a little safety lesson twice a year " just in case " and buckling up " just in case " . ) That said if schools have drills , this lockdown one seems the most reasonable . In all my years of school , we never had an actual fire or tornado . Various schools in my school district have been placed on lockdown several times in the 5 years I 've lived there . Mostly for things outside the school - a man at large after shooting 2 police officers who tried to arrest him for killing someone else , shootings in nearby neighborhoods . I live in the " inner city " so there have been a few lockdowns related to weapons found on school grounds . While I think most if the reasons for lockdowns are idiotic , it is apparent that they are likely to happen at some point , unlike fires and tornados , so they might as well drill them . Kenny Felder , drills are mandated for adults in many situations . I worked in a high rise building in Chicago for many years and we had a fire drill once a year . Each floor has a floor captain ( my best friend was one for years in a different high rise ) and is given specific instructions on what to do in an emergency ( fire , tornado , etc . ) . And I grew up in the midwest and our schools had tornado drills and fire drills every year . I never had a fear of tornadoes or fires . As Paula said most of just felt like it was a nice little break from our usual day . Kenny , I think you are mistaken here . Businesses and public spaces do have emergency plans . I often see emergency plans posted in prominent places in buildings ; there 's even one on the back of my husband 's key card for work . The difference is that adults are expected to acquaint themselves with emergency procedures , and to remain calm and follow instructions should an emergency arise . I don 't think it 's irrational that children would need to be taught how to behave in an emergency - to remain calm , stay together , and to have a basic idea of how to get to safety . Consider also that hospitals DO have emergency drills . It 's a similar situation to a school , where a proportionally small number of care providers are responsible for a large number of people who may or may not be able to get themselves to safety . However , I am not certain what children are supposed to be learning from a lockdown drill . I have never actually experienced one of these drills myself , but I was under the impression that a lockdown just means that all the teachers lock the doors and the kids all stay in the classroom , right ? So they are practicing … not doing anything ? The school my kids attend call their drill " round - up " and it is presented as " some emergency situations require that we leave and others require that we get safe and don 't move " . The last " round - up " was because of a chemical spill in a hallway outside a chemistry classroom ( turned out to be nothing ) . The drill the prior month was " there is a deer in the hallway " ( rural school on a heavily wooded campus . More likely scenario than a gunman , by far ) The round - up is just one of the available responses that the school can make ( round - up , evacuate , do nothing , etc . ) Gas leak ? Sounds like an evacuation . Sudden hail storm ? Round up ( or nothing ) . Chemical Spill ( round up with a select evacuation - kids in the chem classroom end up in the gym ) . The parallel for me is that we teach our kids " if someone ever were to try and take you somewhere you don 't want to go , you fight , scream , and run away . But really , most strangers are nice . Do what makes sense . " rather than " not talking to strangers is a life skill to keep you alive . No one can be trusted . " There is a difference between " if there is ever a situation where we need to stay put , here 's the plan " and " every day at school is a dance with death . Lockdowns are your only hope . " When I taught school in 1998 / 1999 , it was after West Paducah , Littleton and Jonesboro shootings . Middle school in small town Arizona . The teachers were given instructions and a code phrase and what to do in the event of a gun on campus . One of the last days of school I 'm in my classroom and the code phrase comes over the intercom . I grab any kids out in the hall and follow the procedure . We shut off the lights . The kids get against the wall or under their desks ( hidden basically ) . We report to the office any extra kids I had and any I was missing . And it was scary . Turns out a kid did bring a gun to school and showed some of his friends . The kids hadn 't practiced the lockdown procedures , but we teachers knew and had explicit training on what to do . We kept calm so the kids kept calm even as we were all hiding under desks pretending we weren 't there . I 'm not sure about drills , though . I remember as a kid disregarding fire drills at some point because that 's all they ever were - a drill . It took away from the seriousness of the event . We never worried when the fire alarm went off because we always knew it was a drill . I agree with those that say a generalized " emergency drill " would be better . Do I think a gunman is likely to attack my local high school ? No , but I do think it 's possible something might happen that would require the school to be able to account for every student quickly . However , twice a year might be excessive . The bigger question in the post , though , is what we can do to change the popular perception that the world is a terribly scary , dangerous place for kids . Unfortunately , I don 't have a good answer for that . We can try our best not to raise our children in a culture of fear so that the next generation isn 't quite as crazy as this one , and in the meantime we can hope that ( like most fashion trends ) , this tendency towards over - protection and excessive worry will fall out of favor . I have to agree that having drills - for a variety of situations - is not a bad thing . I work for a university , in a high - rise building , and we have fire drills once or twice a year . The main campus had a lockdown earlier this year ( although I was out of town ) because of a nearby shooting . We are prone to natural disasters so we prepare for that , too . In fact , while I am FR , I do prepare my child - in a very non - threatening , non - scary way - in the event of rare occurrences . I want him to be prepared . You cannot prepare for everything . In fact , it 's usually what you don 't prepare for that happens . But any preparation can help in future events , even if they were undreamed of . It makes you think and as long as it doesn 't lead you to worst first , it 's not a bad thing , IMO . the other day at the dinner table my teenager announced that she was going to a lock - in at her school the next night . My ten year old son asked her what that is . After she explained , he said in all seriousness , " Oh , we don 't have lock - ins at our school , but we do have lock downs . " I nearly cried . It was the first I had ever heard of having lock down drills at his school . What kind of world do these people think we are living in ? High School Teacher in the North 's letter has inspired me I am going to forward this on to the administrator of the elementary school and my daughters ' high school . With the logic behind doing this type of drill we should also have meteor - is - going - to - crash into the school drills and venomous snake attack drills . I mean those things might possibly happen too . A previous poster made the comment that a student or teacher of the school is the most likely one to be perpetuating the kind of action that these drills are supposed to be preparing for . I 've always firmly believed that the greatest danger to any organization comes from within , but when I was in the Navy and on the security team for my ship , I suggested a drill to run where one of our own was the bad guy . I couldn 't believe how quickly I was shot down with my supervisor . He gave me a shocked look and said " I don 't ever even want to think that could possibly happen . " But it does happen , which is why they don 't let people who have gone to Captain 's mast carry guns for a year after . One more example : I grew up on the edge of Tornado Alley , so tornadoes were rare but not unexpected . We had tornado drills ever year I was in school , twice a year , but there was only one real tornado . I was in second grade and panicking once I knew what was going on , but looking back I 'm supremely grateful for my teacher and the more seasoned 6th graders that were with us for helping to keep me calm and reassuring me . It doesn 't have to be a scary drill , filled with gunfire and smoke and armed men running around , but like the tornado drills and fire drills , a calm , organized implementation of procedures , whether that 's hunkering down in the hallway , evacuating outside , or locking down the classrooms . Kenny : that is not a good argument . Adults have some sense and intellect about what to do in a fire , tornado , etc . Most of them do at least , you will always have even dumb adults who do the wrong thing in such situations . Kids on the other hand , DO NOT know what to do always . They don 't understand what is happening and may not understand you have to get out of the building in a fire . Thus why kids are often found hiding under beds or in closets during fires . Firemen know to look for them there . So for kids drills are not a waste of time . As I said as a substitute teacher I was not sure what to do in the event of a school invasion since I could not lock the door . I am an intelligent individual and yet , I do not have all the answers . So putting info out there is helpful , not hurtful . The more informed we are , the better we are . I always hold to that theory . Ignorance may be bliss , but it is not smart either . I like to know . I agree with Joanne that doing drills too often can de - sensitize people to the alarm . I remember being in my college library when the fire alarm was going off . It was mid - afternoon and crowded . I packed my things and went outside . I was just about the only one . Everyone else seemed to think they didn 't have time for this . I feel for kids constantly having to go into lockdown whenever there 's any report of anything bad happening anywhere nearby . I often wonder what it does to modern children to grow up in these prison - like environments . I used to think my high school was terribly restrictive when they stopped allowing us to eat lunch on the front steps . I can 't imagine going to school in the current kind of environment . It makes me want to homeschool . And I never used to agree with homeschooling . Also , I do agree with Kenny 's argument that there should be drills in workplace . We 're hypervigilant with our children 's safety , but pretty lax when it comes to our own . A woman who worked with me earlier this year and was extremely strange got fired , and for weeks , we were speculating on what would happen if she came back with a gun . She could get right in and probably take out a lot of us , the way the office is laid out . I agree with Joanne that doing drills too often can de - sensitize people to the alarm . I remember being in my college library when the fire alarm was going off . It was mid - afternoon and crowded . I packed my things and went outside . I was just about the only one . Everyone else seemed to think they didn 't have time for this . I remember in high school , one day they were testing the bells . So they told us all over the intercom not to worry , there was no fire drill . Later that day somebody set a fire ( the first of MANY over the next few months , it was midterm season ) in the bathroom . We were in bio class waiting for our ( late ) teacher . 7 minutes later she walked in and FREAKED that we hadn 't left yet ! My children 's elementary school is implementing lock down procedures and drills , due to parental demand ( sigh ) . However , it 's not focusing on people with guns , it 's a variety of reasons to be rounded up such as wild animals in the school ( and yes , that is a concern where we are ) . Or pets - my daughter was telling me about a time when a dog got into the school . Part of what they get in the drills is what to do if you 're in the hallway during an incident . I 'm OK with it , as long as it doesn 't focus on " bad people ! bad people are out to get you ! " . I 'm on the side of being prepared - knowing what to do in an emergency is always better than not having a clue , which is why we teach kids how to call 911 ; stop , drop and roll ; and so forth . I think what creates an atmosphere of fear is not having lockdown drills , but the schools * actually going into * real lockdown mode when it 's not warranted . Gunshots on campus , absolutely go into lockdown . Report that a suspicious person might possibly have been seen somewhere near the school , lockdown not required . Re : statistics and bad news vs . good news , I 've noticed that in the comments to news stories , people will actually complain if it 's a human interest story or a story with a happy ending . Scroll down and there are always comments to the effect of " this isn 't news " and " who cares " and " with the economy / political turmoil / war / bird flu / whatever , why are you wasting my time with this fluff story about nothing ? " I don 't know if this means people actually enjoy reading nothing but terrible news , or if they 've been brainwashed to believe that the world is so horrible that you have to spend every minute staying on top of the latest horrible developments . Maybe a little of both . I just hate the trend of using prison terms to describe events and actions in our schools . Has anyone ever read " Lockdown High " by Annette Fuentes ? ( Subtitle : When the Schoolhouse becomes a Jailhouse ) It 's fascinating . There are a few chapters on Columbine , the impetus of it all , and she writes " In a great irony of the Columbine tragedy , the school that is synonymous with school violence has opted not to turn itself into a fortress … . . Meanwhile , the rest of the country has embraced just such measures , supposedly to prevent another Columbine . " Talk about futile . Seriously , the only thing I learned was that I didn 't want to live through a bomb dropping anywhere near me ! And I promise , ducking under your desk will not save you from radioactive fall out , no matter what your teacher says ! My daughters elementary school has two types of lockdowns . One they keep teaching but the doors are locked and no one can leave the room . The other one they hide against their cubbies and are not allowed to talk . She says it hard to stop laughing during the latter because kids make funny faces . We did lockdown drills every year in the school I worked at in Southern California . Ironically , there was a gunman that killed several people in a shopping center only 5 blocks away and no one called a lockdown ! Personally , I think 2 a year is excessive , 1 a year is prudent . The kids think it is great fun because they get to hide under the tables and not do any work ! An incident that specifically comes to mind is what happened a few years ago at a nearby early childhood learning center . They ran an UNANNOUNCED drill with a masked man ( an actor ) carrying a fake gun . The teachers had NO IDEA it wasn 't for real . What I kept thinking is this : what if one of the teachers tried to be a hero , snuck up behind the guy , broke his neck and killed him ? I get that when people know it 's a drill they might not take it as seriously , but it 's just as likely that someone could have gotten seriously hurt , or even killed , because they DIDN ' T know it was a drill . And all for something that will almost certainly never happen . Thanks for this . I just walked my son to school - all of 100 yards from our house to the school . He 's 7 . He could make it by himself just fine , but the norms of my community are such that , were I to expose him to that " risk , " I 'd be a " bad parent . " Similarly , it wouldn 't even be possible for me to allow him to walk home alone , because the school insists on discharging its students ( who range from pre - K to 5th grade ) TO someone . My sense in all of this is that we spend a lot of time and energy trying to protect our children from highly improbable dangers ( school shootings , sexual predators ) as a response to our own sense of a lack of control in the world . We imagine , foolishly , that we can protect our children , when in fact what we must do is prepare them . ( Of course , we DO have to protect them as well - but the line between that from which we must protect them and that for which we must prepare them is thin . ) If I could protect my son from sadness , disappointment , fear , loneliness , hurt , anxiety , I would . But I can 't . Any more than I can protect myself from those things . Often , I think , we cling to the idea that there 's some way we could protect our kids from the inevitable pains and suffering of life , and rather than acknowledge our inability to protect them from life 's inevitable slings and arrows , we instead focus on the highly improbable events . My kids school went into lockdown on December 7 . Just blocks from a school some nutcase set his house on fire and then opened fire on the fire and police responders . And some poor good samaritan that stopped to knock on his door to warn him his house was on fire . For their own safety the elementary school my kids go to , the high school behind and another elementary school a few blocks away were put into lockdown for the entire day ( no one in or out ) . There were also kids on buses still heading to school . They were taken to the bus barn where they stayed until lunch ( they then allowed parents to pick them up with ID ) . It was a crazy day for our little town . The lockdown worked perfectly ( and was called by the police ) . The kids were safe in their schools while this crazy guy was on the loose . All my kids could talk about that day was the lockdown . How half their classmates got stuck at the bus barn and they couldn 't go outside for recess because some nut was shooting up the neighborhood . It was the highlight of the week for them . They were supposed to have a half day but ended up stuck in school until their normal release time . The fact that the school has drilled ( like once a year ) for this helped immensely . There were some parents that were very upset that they weren 't allowed to get their kids from school . They dumbly braved the streets around the shooting to get to the school and were turned away without a door opening . On the news I was flabbergasted at the number of parents in tears because they were so worried about their children . The children safely in their schools with the doors locked so no crazy person could break in and get them . They were near hysterics when picking up their kids at the end of it all . Luckily , that was a small majority . Most of the kids came home on their buses just like normal although there were more parents waiting outside for them ( me included because I was curious to see how their unusual day went ) . We live less than a mile from the shooting and could hear the gunfire from our house and see the fire but none of my neighbors panicked . We all just stood in our yards watching and wondering what the heck was going on . I work in a 30 - story building in Times Square . We have two fire drills and two " Emergency Action Plan " drills a year for every single floor . We all understand that " EAP " means some kind of bombing , shooting or terrorist activity . My daughters elementary school had a yearly school evacuation drill . Every year , they closed the road so 400 elementary school kids could walk the block down the road to a ' safe spot ' . Ironically , being in Hawaii , the safe spot was right next to the ocean and we , as parents , couldn 't think of a single incident where our children would be safer being closer to the ocean versus further away . The only thing we could come up with was that there was no convenient public space for the kids to convene if they went uphill vs downhill , hence their oceanside safe spot . We told our children that in the event of a school evacuation to not listen to the teachers but to head uphill and we 'd look for them there . Worst case thinking being solved by inane bureaucracy helps no one Dulcie , reminds me of my high school 's evacuation plan . Our district 's high school and middle school were both on a hillside about two football fields lengths apart . Our own actual football field was no more than 30 feet from the back side of the high school . Columbine happened the spring of my senior year , so we got a few bomb threats called in . The original plan was to send all the high schoolers to the football field . If they school had blown up , we 'd have all been killed . The next plan was to send us down the hill to the middle school . If someone who planted a bomb knew that , they easily could have called the threat into the high school but actually plant it in the middle school , thus killing double the students ! We are Jewish and our kids attend Hebrew / Sunday school twice a week . They have periodic lockdown drills that are SO scary . They purposely do them without warning and everyone participates , including any adults who happen to be on campus . The first time it happened , I had no idea what to do ( we were new to the school . ) Another woman told me , " Find someplace that 's a good hiding place and lock yourself in . " Then they are giving these different scenarios like " multiple gunmen " etc and it 's just very , very scary . The kids actually seemed pretty matter - of - fact about it which is probably a sad commentary on how they 're used to having school shooter lockdown drills at their regular public elementary school too . I question how effective these drills are ( vs fire drills which are a very good thing to practice . ) Seems like whenever there are unfortunate incidents of school shootings , it 's always very random who survives and why . I doubt that doing drills is a way ( if there even is a way ) to prepare . I think there 's a certain amount of sense to having drills , so long as you don 't go overboard on them . It may require some sense to cope with different emergencies , but the basics should be drilled in so you know what the initial response should be . From there , you 'll hopefully have the time to figure out where your actual response should vary from what you learned in the drill . I had big problems with the fire / evacuation drill that my daughter 's previous school had . All the fields were on one side of the school grounds . Being CA , the school had open " hallways " more like long porches between rooms . The kids in the kindergarten classes , instead of walking around the back of the school ( which would be a long way ) were supposed to walk through a series of these porch / hallways to get to the fields . Which , unless it was their room that was on fire , would mean they would have to walk past the fire , or be under it if it was on the roof . My old school had fire drills and lockdown drills . Lockdown drills were explained as what to do in bad weather ( we don 't have many tornadoes , just regular bad weather with wind and hail etc ) . They were activated once at a nearby school when a police chase happened through the school grounds . My old workplace ( an office ) had the same drills , fire and extreme weather . We probably had at least one legitimate extreme weather event per year , excluding natural disasters ( which have different rules again , but is all controlled at a State level ) . Natural disasters only happen every few years ( yay living on a continent that keeps trying to kill us ! ) It is nice to know what to do . Rain that might cause flash flooding triggers a particular response in me ( get home now or arrange somewhere else to stay ) , fire warnings trigger another ( pack car ready to go ) . I do not consider this worst - first thinking as such , more a general preparedness for the frequent natural disasters one gets in Australia . Because of the preparedness in the floods we were fine , despite being cut off for a week with no electrcity . When the fires came we got out alive , which is more than I can say for some of my neighbours . In our entire city the farthest any of us would be from the target would have been about 20KM ( large oil refineries that we were told had Solviet bombs aimed at it at all times … this was one of the targets that the US wanted to protect so they put a defense ring in the Canadian arctic to protect it and similar targets ) . And we weren 't even that far away , and dad 's school was even closer . And really ? If the roof of the school isn 't going to protect you , you think the desk will do a better job ? No , those drills were pointless . Just as pointless as these " lock down " drills today . I think they needed to be more obvious in what the procedure was to parents , though . Many freaked out and went to the school ( driving past the firefight ) and banged on the doors , demanding to have their kids back . But the school refused to open the doors because of the lockdown - for the safety of the kids . The parents should have stayed home until the all clear was given . They put their own lives at risk for Desks do protect , maybe not flimsy school desks mind . Think about people who were pulled out of the destroyed buildings in Christchurch , and how many were crouched under desks ? ( Answer , I can think of three women who were dug out in the following days who directly attributed their initial survival to their desks ) . First , I don 't really have a problem with 1 lock down drill a year , and I really like how some commenters described their school using it as an emergency preparedness . Someone even noted that their school describes it as some situations mean we go outside and others mean we stay inside . Because lock - downs have become part of school culture , I don 't have a problem with it . We used to have fire drills , tornado drills , and bus evacuation drills . I think the local schools have maybe 1 - 2 fire and tornado drills - don 't know if they still do bus evacuation drills . I think it was good training … and once kids get to middle and high school , I think more than 1 drill of each type a year is excessive , as by that point kids know exactly what to do . What concerns me , though , is the increasing use of lock - downs . I 'm not that old and we NEVER had a lock - down at school . Bomb threats , sure . We sometimes had self - described rednecks bring their hunting rifle to school in the truck and we once had a criminal on the lam run behind the ( old ) high school - still no lock - down , but staff were posted near the exit doors to keep us inside . Now , a bomb threat means lock - down . A " suspicious person " means lock - down . It seems like it 's becoming an overused and perhaps over - the - top precaution . I know schools are worried about covering their butts - JUST IN CASE , but is the response entirely appropriate ? ( Yes , some cases , they are the best precaution , but others , like the ones in my local schools , I 'm not so sure . ) My kindergartener came home just last week and said she was in the library and they had to turn off all the lights and her friend was scared and crying . I was baffled by the whole thing and my 3rd grader explained that I was a drill . I then had to look it up on our school district website . They lock the door , turn off the lights , close all the shades , including the one by the door and have designated hiding spots in the room to go to . Then the principal walks around and checks every door . WHAT ? ! Can you imagine being in a dark , silent room hiding while someone rattles the locked door ? Talk about instilling fear ! I teach in a US high school outside of Chicago . Two weeks ago , we were gathered for a faculty meeting and one of the items was the new requirement that we all wear our ID badges at all times . The part of all of this that was troubling is the principal 's reasoning . Another suburban high school had a gun threat and one of the teachers , because he didn 't have his ID was forced to lay down and was cuffed since the police had no proof that he was faculty . Our principal said , " since it is INEVITABLE ( my emphasis ) that this will happen here eventually , I want you all to have your IDs to save you the embarrassment . " After reading some of the comments , I will also tell you that , for high school students , it actually inures them to a crisis . I think that in the case of a REAL lockdown , our kids would completely disregard the practiced drill . A month ago we had a real fire in the building and the kids continued to behave as though there was no risk , including defying direction to try to get back into the building . Drills do not prepare kids , they jade them . I think both are needed . Many of the people who survived the Twin Towers collapse did so because the did what they felt was right , not what they were told . E . g . headed down the stairs even though the announcements said stay where you were ; carrying a disabled friend down the stairs instead of leaving them in an area to wait for fire fighters liked they were told to do in drills . However , most survived because of the drills that had been done and / or knowledge of where the stairs were located , etc . I realize that this is an extreme example , but it is one that does show the value of preparedness AND common sense . As for the original post , I agree that drills on a whole are a good idea but the presentation shouldn 't be " the world is awful , there are crazy people coming to attack us . " It should be more understated . ( I like the wildlife in the halls drill ; doesn 't work in urban settings though . ) I work for a nonprofit that administers Early Head Start , Head Start and Child Development programs . In the last year , we have had two lockdowns . One because of an armed robbery suspect who was fleeing from police in front of one facility and had fired shots at police . The other because of a knife and gun wielding robber who was somewhere in the immediate neighborhood of another facility , had already stabbed two people , shot an officer and fired shots wildly . The county I 'm talking about is consistently ranked between the 10th and 18th richest in the nation . Gun violence is almost unheard of , and yet it just so happened that we had two fairly serious incidents , literally in sight of two of our facilities . In the moment , when teachers and students are hearing gunfire outside the window , there was no way to know who the gunmen were or whether they had any intention of harming faculty or students . The only sane thing to do in the moment was take cover as taught by our lockdown drills . Lockdowns are not just in case of violence within the school , they are also in case of violence immediately outside . Considering how random random violence is , it was made clear to us from these incidents that having lockdown procedures and drilling them on an annual basis is a very good idea . We have earthquake and fire drills , though noticeable earthquakes are terribly rare and a fire has never happened , and we manage not to give the students the sense that they are always in imminent peril . It is sound to follow the same practice for lockdowns . We and many others also participate in a statewide earthquake drill every October called the Great California Shake - out . All the schools and government offices and many businesses participate . When we engage in drills sensibly , it not only acquaints everyone to appropriate evacuation routes , but it serves as a reminder for us all to restock our first aid kits and emergency supplies ( necessary not just in case of a significant earthquake , but for the storms that , some winters , leave us cut off from utilities and basic services ) . The key though is SENSIBLY . I can 't believe the schools that actually have actors and police mimicking shootings in the hallways without warning . Those schools should be on the hook for those teachers ' and kids ' therapy bills . If I were a parent of a child at one of those schools I would have a fit . There would be lawyers and news vans involved . I think this over protection of ones kids is hotwired into parents - they have to look after their kids . However , in our modern western world there is not too much that can go wrong in a normal middle class suburban neighbourhood . If there are not real dangers parents unconciously percieve dangers that they can protect their kids from . Coming from Africa where kids have many issues to deal with and seing an 8 yr old looking after littler siblings - and doing a good job of it - I fear parents are overprotecting their kids in suburbia and not sufficiently equipping them with the tools to cope in a normal world on their own … . . As for critical thinking - I applaud any efforts introducing critical thinking in schools anywhere - having to get students thinking INDEPENDENTLY at univesity , like I do , is frustrating and difficult ! In my normal middle class neighborhood , there have been two scary man with a gun situations on the play ground . One was someone who robbed a house and one was someone 's drugged out adult son who robbed a pharmacy . Rare , but not so rare that it didn 't happen in a very unexpected place . I guess I 'm glad the school had a plan for locking the doors quickly . Earlier this year at my daughters middle school someone saw a man walking along or in the woods that line the school . Oh my god - can you believe - someone WALKING in the woods … perhaps enjoying nature . Nothing was ever mentioned that indicated anything this man was doing was remotely threatening , he was just ' there ' . Every community has its myth about the " particular target " that will be hit since you live there . Maybe the one you 're talking about was well backed - up , but there was one in the community I grew up in that I realize was completely ludicrous when I got older . At any rate , there 's no guarantee that 's the ONLY place that could be hit , rather than somewhere farther away . And yes , ducking under the desks WOULD protect you from the impact of an explosion 20 KM away . Not entirely , but more than nothing , which is the point . What would the desk protect you from that the roof of the school wouldn 't ? How about objects INSIDE THE SCHOOL flying around ? The roof does nothing to protect you from that . The initial detonation isn 't the only thing that can affect you in something as catastrophic as a nuclear explosion - the shock waves spread and cause all kinds of havoc . Sure , in the end , the radiation might get you anyway - but would you rather go through that with a smashed in face or broken bones , or without ? And you might be able to get away , depending how far away you were , before the dose was bad enough to do more than shorten a still reasonable life expectancy . It 's really not useless to do what you can , even if you can 't protect yourself from the worst case . The perceived risk of nuclear attack was always higher than the actual risk , even during the cold war . Keep in mind that there were only ever two nuclear bomb attacks on anybody anywhere . Even the Cuban Missile Crisis , we are now learning , was a long way from the near - annihilation that was in the papers . When I was in the Army , our field manual showed us the response to a nuclear blast , which was to lie down on the ground and point our helmets at the mushroom cloud . The whole thing is absurd . I could 've written this letter . When I was in teacher 's college and doing my practicum , the Code Red was explained to me and I was against it . I knew there was something wrong with preparing our kids against an infentesimally small chance of a deranged person coming into the schools and shooting people but I couldn 't articulate it at the time . Not being able to just ' shut up and go along with it ' is partially responsible for me leaving the program . I 'm sorry but I wont participate in the brain washing and fear mongering of the next generation . What we 're trying to do is similar to applying hindsight in real time , I guess . We keep finding out , over and over again , that the fear - du - jour is never as big as it seems in the moment . Why not just learn the lesson that fears in the moment are not valuable tools for making rational judgements , and use some other method , like probability , instead ? … While , of course , remembering that the really big events in history tend to be Black Swans anyway : in other words , unpredictable , improbable , rare . A couple of people have commented that drills jade students . That probably happens if they are too frequent , or too long , or pose a scenario that 's too improbable . But is it true , always ? Do we have evidence for that ? I hope my child gets to go a school like the ones mentioned above , with sensible drills to cover the three main responses ( wait ; evacuate ; hunker down in place ) without emphasis on the scary scenarios . That makes a lot of sense to me . " And really ? If the roof of the school isn 't going to protect you , you think the desk will do a better job ? No , those drills were pointless . Just as pointless as these " lock down " drills today . " Getting yourself into something that can be considered survivable void space is a chance at surviving building collapse . The roof may fall down on the desk , but the space underneath the desk has a chance of becoming void space . There have been many examples after large earthquakes that sturdy pieces of furniture have a high likelihood to provide survivable space underneath even when roofs and walls fall on them . Having been a teacher during an actual school lockdown ( yes , we had a man with a gun at an elementary school ) , I 'm not opposed to drills . In fact , I kind of wish we did more of them , but present them as what they are : practices meant to instill automatic responses in emergency situations instead of cries that we could be attacked at any given moment . Yes , it all comes down to about the same actions during the drill , but the mindset would be different and that 's what important . Drills should instruct , not scare . " A couple of people have commented that drills jade students . That probably happens if they are too frequent , or too long , or pose a scenario that 's too improbable . But is it true , always ? Do we have evidence for that ? " I don 't know what is meant by " jaded " but I can 't think of a single person who NEEDS to have fire or any other drill at least once a year EVERY year for 13 years or who gains anything from the repeated experience . Really , if you haven 't gotten the necessary concepts ( don 't panic , walk in an orderly fashion , listen to your teacher , etc ) by the time that you are out of elementary school , you are unlikely to ever master them ( or be mentally functional enough to live independently ) so additional " drilling " is not necessary . So from personal observation , fire drills ( the only drills I had ) were play time after about 2nd grade . Nobody paid attention . Nobody cared . Everybody goofed off as much as possible . Some even tried to come up with ways to thwart the drill . We had to be bribed into cooperating fully - extra recess , ice cream or something similar for the quietest , most orderly class , otherwise , it would just be rowdy kids going nuts . I can 't see a single benefit to this . And before someone says " but what about the new kids , " I changed schools frequently as a child . The actual path changed but the important concepts do not change from school to school . Apply what you already know , follow the other kids to the exact meeting spot and you 're good . I can see drilling young children annually and then once for the incoming class in each school thereafter ( 6th grade , 9th grade ) , but yearly drills for everyone seems pointless to me . I 'm usually hardcore free range , but I disagree here . You would be surprised at how often events happen that might necessitate a lock down , especially in neighborhoods with a high crime rate . Two is excessive , but one seems reasonable to me . We did them in my high school and they took 10 minutes . It isn 't paranoid in my book , it 's a wonderful exercise in common sense . Another reason well thought out drills are a good ides . We had a very bad storm blow through our area today . Before it hit , I reviewed our duck and cover procedures . Around 8 : 30 the principal announce we were in a yellow lockdown . No students outside of the classroom . We had downdrafts and tornadoes bouncing around and parts of the building were flooding . A neighboring school had some of its front windows blown out by either a sideswipe of a tornado or a downdraft ) . Our classes located in portables were relocated to various hallways / corners of the building . In some cases sharing rooms with other classes . The administration pulled the core team ( reading specialist , math specialist , EC specialist , nurse , councilor ) specials team ( art , music , computers , PE ) , and inclusion / special ed aids . Those staff members came around came around and escorted kids to the bathroom as needed . They also came in and collected car keys from all staff that parked in the back parking lot and moved their cars to higher ground for them ( other wise the cars would have been floating down the street ) We were released from lockdown at about 11 am , when the storm passed . The kids remained calm and working the entire time . They know the procedures , so it wasn 't scary or strange to them . If you want to see the aftermath of the storm - http : / / www . flickr . com / photos / 14888249 @ N03 / sets / 72157628800575703 / with / 6669079627 / In my middle school we do one lockdown drill each year , during the in - service days before students arrive . Before I began teaching there , there was a fugitive gunman in town , and they had a real lockdown then . Another time was when they had a non - custodial parent who had come to kidnap their child . It is the latter scenario that our principal thinks is the larger concern . As for drills , our students are pretty good during fire drills , which are very fast , and they do take our tsunami drills seriously ; both before and after a tsunami drill the students have a lot of questions about what would really happen in the event of a tsunami : Yes , we say walk during the drill , we don 't want you to sprain your ankle , but in a real earthquake + tsunami ? Those who can , RUN ! And , I 'll carry you up the hill if I have too , and I hope my daughter 's teacher will do the same . Better yet , I hope someday we really do build a large campus for all our five schools up the hill . I take my oldest son to the school for speech therapy . While we were there today , they had a " non - critical " lock down . They said that no one was allowed outside , and lunch classes were to have recess in their classrooms . A child fell off some play equipment and was hurt . They wanted to keep all driveways and such clear for the emergency personnel that was on the way . At our ALE ( home school school ) we have had several non - critical lock downs when kids at the neighboring alternative high school had medical emergencies such as asthma attacks that reqiured calling for more professional help than what was available . Again , it was to allow access for emergency personnel . I think that the drills jade the teachers more than students . When we were in CA , we did earthquake drills . I happened to be in the copy room ( as a parent volunteer ) when one was conducted . I went under the table in the adjoining teacher lounge . It turns out the principal was making the round ensuring that everyone was complying and yelled at the teacher in the lounge because she didn 't do it . It made me smile . The teacher had been my daughter 's kinder teacher and was a word that we use for female dogs . Not kind to the kids and putting them down all the time for being kids . Free - Range Kids Fighting the belief that our children are in constant danger from creeps , kidnapping , germs , grades , flashers , frustration , failure , baby snatchers , bugs , bullies , men , sleepovers and / or the perils of a non - organic grape . Download the Free - Range Kids App ! For Android :

After reading Nora Roberts 's Night Tales # 1 , I did something I almost never do and read # 2 , Night Shadow immediately afterwards . IN A CITY RULED BY FEAR . . . . . . . . a solitary figure shrouded in black walked the night , determined to awaken a terrified metropolis from the nightmare of crime . There was nothing - - no bullets , and certainly not legal technicalities - - that could deter the man they called Nemesis from his mission . Deborah O ' Roarke , an idealistic young prosecutor waging her own war against crime , owed Nemesis her very life . She shared his passion for justice , yet she could not accept his lawless methods . Still , though she fought her unwelcome desire for this disturbing stranger , she was unable to deny her longing to share the shadows that were his home . . . . Lots of fun ! An A - . Well , I must say I 'm surprised that a romance novel with a hero who puts on a superhero costume and roams the streets fighting the forces of evil and crime worked so well ; - ) It 's especially surprising because the tone of the book wasn 't at all campy , but serious . Night Shadow felt very much like one of those superheroes comics . It 's set in a city , Urbana , which is very , very Gotham ( though the atmosphere was distinctly like the one of the city in that first Batman movie . . . ) . The hero , who is a millionaire in his regular life ( yes , well , this is Nora Roberts , you know ) , has a " superpower " ( being able to become invisible ) and moonlights as a superhero . And the heroine . of course , is the serious sort , who keeps running into our hero in both his guises and is attracted to " both " men . Gage 's superpower is pretty well explained , as plausible as these things can be . However , I had to turn down my critical faculties a little : I could understand that he became invisible , but what happens to his clothes ? ? Ah , well , I just had to ignore this and enjoy the rest of the show : - ) The romance worked very well , too . This was very much an action - driven romance , but I enjoyed it , even though I usually much prefer character - driven stories . Maybe it was just tRead more . . . I was recently talking to a friend who loves series ( as in related books ) and I was telling her about Nora Roberts . Not too surprisingly , after talking about books I 've loved , I felt the need to reread them . I started with the Night Tales series , a group of five related books with the common thread of having characters who are night people . The first one is Night Shift . IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT The calls came like clockwork - - a cold , hate - filled voice telling late - night radio announcer Cilla O ' Roarke that she was going to die . The never - ending threats had finally made her a believer . She was desperate - - desperate enough to accept police protection . Cilla preferred to keep her distance from the police , and she had her reasons . But there was something about Boyd Fletcher that made him difficult to ignore . He was strong , laconic , infuriating and clearly determined to watch over her every second of the day - - and night . And the trouble was , the more Cilla saw of her unwanted bodyguard , the more she wanted him to share the night she loved . . . . Most of it was just ok , but it had enough special moments to make it a B . The whole first part of the book was pretty lackluster . It felt like it had very little originality , like every other ( and there are quite a few ) book about a woman who has the need for police ( or bodyguard ) protection against a stalker and falls in love with the man assigned to protect her . It was very unoriginal , down to the heroine who very feistily ( I hate that word ! ) denies that she needs the hero 's help , and I had trouble keeping my attention on the book . My mind just kept wondering . Oh , and I was irritated by all the music references . I suppose they were pretty mainstream , and most Americans would recognize them , but not being American myself , I didn 't get 90 % of them and it got very tedious . But the book gradually became better , probably starting when Cilla ditched her stupid " I don 't need a bodyguard " attitude , and there were certain moments , like the first love scene which were wonderful . By the tRead more . . . Another week , another Barbara Michaels . This time : Greygallows . Not knowing the past of her charming and handsome suitor , Lucy Cartwright accepts his marriage proposal . Innocently following Baron Clare to his estate , Lucy has no idea that he is leading her into a world of betrayal and danger . Suddenly she realizes the man of her fondest dreams has become the source of her worst nightmares , and she must devise a way out * Sigh * It 's hard to grade this one . I suppose it was a good book , if I had to evaluate it objectively , but the thing is the whole injustice of the laws at the time and helplessness of the heroine made me too angry and depressed to enjoy it . I 'll have to give it a C + . I mean , it was so frustrating ! Lucy was so obviously making a huge mistake . She realized the consequences , that once she was married there was pretty much nothing she could do to get out of it if it became intolerable . She wasn 't too sure of what she was doing . And yet , she didn 't have the spine to take a stand . Maybe the thing was she was too young . And that was something else I disliked . I suppose it 's accurate , but a 17 - year - old heroine is just too young for me to relate to , at least as a supposedly " adult " character . To make things worse , there was very little of the humour I like so much in most of this author 's books here . It had the oppressive atmosphere I enjoy in gothics , but without that extra something else , it wasn 't thrilling , just awfully depressing . So far I 've had mixed results with Michaels ' historicals . Black Rainbow and Greygallows , I didn 't like , while The Master of Blacktower , Sons of the Wolf and Wings of the Falcon were good . I 'll have to see what I think of The Wizard 's Daughter , the only one I haven 't reread lately . . . Last Friday I read Secret Admirer , by Susan Napier , an old Harlequin Presents title . Running into a potential business partner late at night in a broken elevator - when one was wearing a glamorous fur with nothing on underneath - was awkward , but Grace Blair was cool enough to handle a hot situation . Her poised , controlled demeanor belied the insecurity she felt taking over her late husband 's business empire , but Scott Gregory was able with one caressing glance to strip away all her pretenses . Especially since the handsome New Zealander had made it clear from their first inauspicious meeting that in business , knowledge was power - and that he knew exactly what he wanted . Despite some early doubts , this was ultimately a B . I usually decide purchases based on reviews , but occasionally I read some intriguing tidbit in a message board post or mailing list message and buy the book . This is what happened with Secret Admirer , and by the time it got here I hadn 't the foggiest idea of why I 'd bought it . First of all , it was a Harlequin Presents , which I 've always thought of as the old - fashioned ones , with the cruel alpha males and spineless heroines . Definitely not my cup of tea . And when I started it , it seemed to be just that . The hero , Scott , behaves very much like the sterotypical alpha of old times , when I started reading romance . He acuses Grace of having a " protector " , he 's condescending and patronizing and manipulative . And Grace is just as problematic . At one point , she thinks she behaved " like a shameless hussy of the streets " . A heroine who actually says the words " shameless hussy " and not as a joke has to be a bit too old - fashioned for me ; - ) And I got really irritated by the way she lets herself be manipulated by Scott so easily . I just can 't believe someone would actually fall for the old " What , afraid of kissing me ? No ? Then prove it ! " trick ! Furthermore , I really didn 't get why she got so upset about the elevator episode . So she gets stuck in an elevator naked under a fur coat , and at one point the guy she 's Read more . . . I 've been meaning to read Born in Shame , by Nora Roberts , ever since I reread the first two novels in the trilogy earlier this year . This third and final novel in Roberts 's Irish trilogy is the story of Shannon Bodine . Shannon 's life is rocked by an emotional earthquake when she learns the identity of her real father . Obeying her late mother 's last wish , American Shannon travels to County Clare , Ireland , to meet the sisters she never knew she had . Warmed and comforted by the bond that grows between her and her sisters , her heart is lured by the charm of the Irish countryside and tempted by the attraction of horseman Murphy Muldoon . Murphy takes one look at Shannon and knows that she is the woman he 's waited for all his life . But Shannon is a practical woman . Will she open her heart and mind to the timeless , magical bond that connects them ? Or will she reject fate 's plan and leave Murphy to return to her life in America ? It was wonderful , an A - . I adored Murphy . I loved the way he took one look at Shannon and he was a gonner . That was it for him . That first scene , where Shannon thinks he 's a bit slow because all he can do is stare at her was beautiful ! Shannon could have been a tedious character , because of the way she refused to accept what was happening , but I really did understand her doubts about giving it all up for love , and I though more of her for thinking things through carefully and not letting herself be pressured by Murphy . I felt the solution they arrived at was the best way to go . Ok , yes , I 'm not usually too fond of the " fated lovers " angle . I like to see people fall in love and understand why they do , and to have the protagonists fall for each other only because it was pre - ordained in some prophecy seems to me like cheating . For some reason , it worked here . Probably because I got the feeling that these two would have fallen in love anyway , even if there hadn 't been that supernatural thing . And speaking of the touch of the supernatural , I thought it was just right for the story . Roberts has been knownRead more . . . As I said I might after reading the last book , I 've started a reread of the whole Amelia Peabody series , by Elizabeth Peters . Book number one is Crocodile on the Sandbank . Elizabeth Peters 's unforgettable heroine Amelia Peabody makes her first appearance in this clever mystery . Amelia receives a rather large inheritance and decides to use it for travel . On her way through Rome to Egypt , she meets Evelyn Barton - Forbes , a young woman abandoned by her lover and left with no means of support . Amelia promptly takes Evelyn under her wing , insisting that the young lady accompany her to Egypt , where Amelia plans to indulge her passion for Egyptology . When Evelyn becomes the target of an aborted kidnapping and the focus of a series of suspicious accidents and mysterious visitations , Amelia becomes convinced of a plot to harm her young friend . Like any self - respecting sleuth , Amelia sets out to discover who is behind it all . I loved it , it may sound clichéd , but it was visiting with old friends . An A + . Ahhh , this is were it all started . I really loved seeing the first indications of those character traits so developed in the following books . I was pleasantly surprised to see that the characters were already pretty formed here . They develop in the rest of the series , and grow , but they are still the same people they are in this first book . What can I say about Amelia and Emerson that I haven 't said a thousand times before ? What is here that isn 't in the rest of the books is them falling in love , and it was wonderful . One intense look into each other 's eyes was more erotic than a full - blown sex scene in other books ; - ) The plot was ok , but a bit too obvious . I probably remember it from when I first read this , but really , if one accepts that nothing supernatural was going on , there 's only one solution , and one very easy to guess . On to book number two , now ! Almost a Princess is my first Elizabeth Thornton book . I 've had Whisper His Name ( which seems to be a kind of prequel to this one ) in my TBR for ages . What possible connection can there be between Jane Mayberry , a beautiful , independent and articulate bluestocking and a notorious killer who has eluded British Intelligence for years ? Case Devere , the Earl of Castleton , is attached to Special Branch and is determined to find out . But Jane is embroiled in her own troubles and the last thing she needs right now is this steely - eyed , arrogant aristocrat looking over her shoulder . When she quietly disappears , Case 's worst suspicions are aroused . He goes after her . I don 't know . I liked some elements , but the book as a whole didn 't completely work for me . A B . The main problem was that the book felt a little disjointed . The main conflict seems to be catching La Roca , the killer who wants to murder Case , but there 's something else from Jane 's past which takes over most of the middle part of the book . And here 's the thing : I loved the way they dealt with this problem from Jane 's past ( trying very hard not to spoil things here ! ) . There was no stupid bowing to convention , which was very refreshing . I just wish the main conflict had been this one , and not La Roca , which means I was more than a little irritated when wham ! this problem disappears and we 're back to catching the murderer . Damn ! Eh , well . . . at least , the romance works very well , because the protagonists are lovely . Case is on the surface the very clichéd " Regency spy hero " , but the author goes deeper than most in the characterization , exploring what his past experiences did to him . As for Jane , she 's a really nice and intelligent heroine , who refuses to martyr herself to society 's conventions ( see above ) and doesn 't hesitate to protect herself . I liked their relationship , which seemed to be based on genuine affection and love . However , their very reasonableness and refusal to act like stereotypical romance characters made Jane and Case 's relationship be resolved muchRead more . . . I really liked the first Laura Lee Guhrke I read , Breathless . Not So Innocent ( Pandora 's Box and excerpt ) , sounded completely different : Victorian instead of turn - of - the - century US , has a psychic heroine . . . Still , it did sound interesting . Sophie Haversham would give anything not to have the gift of foresight . After all , her " talent " has already cost her one fiancé . And reporting a crime that hasn 't happened yet is no easy task , especially to a tough , street - wise Scotland Yard detective . Inspector Mick Dunbar doesn 't believe in visions , and he 's convinced Sophie is actually shielding a would - be murderer . Only when Sophie 's life is in danger does Mick realize he has fallen in love with this beautiful , courageous woman who can see into his very mind and heart , but will the knowledge come too late to save her ? Not quite as good as the first 50 pages promised , but still pretty nice : B . The first thing that comes to mind is that Sophie 's psychic powers were very underused . I really would have liked to see more of her powers in action , so to speak , but this part of the book is limited to a couple of little " mindreading " episodes and one vision . I guess the author succeeded in making this interesting , so much so that she has me begging for more ! ; - ) Both Sophie and Mick were likeable people , and I found them especially interesting because they weren 't the usual rake / bluestocking so many romance novels feature . I liked Mick . He was very charming , in an unpolished way , and one of the things I like best about him is that he doesn 't have that " I 'm just a policeman , she 's too good for me " trauma . He is wonderfully self - assured . The only problem I had with him was that he persisted in not trusting Sophie for a little too long . Sophie was ok , but more typical innocent , self - martyring , occasionally foolish romance heroine . The first scene , when she goes to the police and tells Mick about her vision , I wanted to shake her . Come on , you know anyone would be doubtful when you tell them about how you saw a murder in your dreams , at leRead more . . . With the Dreams Part I and Part II duet , Jayne Ann Krentz does something I hadn 't seen before in a Harlequin book , or rather , books ! These are not the usual book and sequel . Neither are complete in themselves , but they aren 't really a whole book either , because the main issues change . Part I focuses on the courting , while Part II focuses on making a marriage work and dealing with pregnancy . Meanwhile , the Chained Lady legend and the suspense subplot cover both books . Dreams Part I : History was repeating itself Diana Prentice needed a break from the power gars corporate world . She picked the charming mountain town ; Fulbrook Corners as her sanctuary , not knowing that mysterious forces had lured her to the scene of an age - old struggle . Was it the local legend of the Chained Lady and warrior that was so unsettling to her . . . or the disconcerting presence of native Colby Savagar ? Soon the sheer fierceness of his passion overwhelmed and left her in turmoil . For she knew somehow there had been another place , another time when he had taken by force what she now gave willingly . . . . Dreams Part II : They were bound by fate Pregnant ! Diana Prentice knew she should be ecstatic - bearing Colby Savagar 's child - but she wasn 't . The idea of motherhood frightened her . Almost as much as the recurring dreams that told her she needed Colby . . . dreams that beckoned her back to Fulbrook Corners and its timeless legend . Colby himself was haunted by visions of impending danger . He , too , was inexorably drawn back to his hometown . Somehow they both knew the key to their happiness lay in Chained Lady Cave , and that only when they conquered the dark forces of the past together would there be hope for their future . . . My global grade would be a B - . The first part I thought was much , much better than the second , basically because the very nice guy Colby seemed to change into a sexist prick in the second one . I 'd grade the first book B + and the second one C . I really liked the way Diana and Colby 's relationship developed in the first part . They hadRead more . . . I 'm sure I 'd read The Master of Blacktower , by Barbara Michaels once , when I bought it , but for the life of me I couldn 't remember anything about it . I didn 't even have a vague impression of whether I 'd liked it or not . . . WHAT IS THE SECRET THAT HAUNTS THE MASTER OF BLACKTOWER ? His hands were encased in black silk gloves , a lurid scar twisting the roughly hewn features of his face . His dark eyes blazed , and his mocking laughter echoed to the highest tower of the ancient Scottish estate . Damaris Gordon knew she could never work for such a cruel and bitter man - but after her father 's death , she had no choice . Her fate was in the hands of Gavin Hamilton - - a man tortured by disfigurement , disillusion . . . and dark secrets of the past . Was he responsible for his wife 's death ? Or the injury that crippled his young daughter ? Curiosity lured Damaris to the top of the tower in search of the truth . But love sent her over the edge . . . This one 's a real gothic . Not a parody of a gothic , or a modern gothic , or any other variation , but an almost textbook example of one , and I relished it . I mean , textbook if you don 't think that a gothic heroine has to be weak and TSTL , because Damaris certainly wasn 't . My grade : an A - . The strength of The Master of Blacktower is in its protagonists and its atmosphere . As I said , Damaris was a strong , intelligent heroine , with an excellent intuition about people . Gavin was a perfect gothic hero , wounded and tortured , with failings , but ultimately a good person . These two were lovely together , they definitely had a lot of chemistry . As for the atmosphere , wow ! It was what it should be in any good gothic . The isolated house in Scotland , the strange servants , Gavin 's invalid daughter , the mysterious neighbours , the suspicious story of Gavin 's wife . . . it all helped establish a very distinctive atmosphere . The only thing I wasn 't too crazy about was the ending . Oh , the final scene was actually excellent , but the ending itself was much too abrupt . I 'm not asking for a looong , syrupy epilogue , but a couple Read more . . . I 've just finished Five Kids , One Christmas , by Terese Ramin . It 's not a book I 'd nomally choose to read , but I asked a friend to lend me a book at random that wasn 't bad and she brought me this one . She said it had problems , but also a lot of original elements I might enjoy . FIVE KIDS . . . Last she knew , widowed mom Helen Brannigan had one daughter and no man in her life . Now there were seven Christmas stockings to hang , five extra settings for the table - - and one man - size dinner to make . Suddenly she was sharing her home - - and joint custody of five kids - - with a sexy widowed dad who was no more than a stranger . . . . ONE WEDDING . . . In a marriage of convenience , she 'd said " I do " to that sexy stranger . Five happy little faces had held their breaths as she 'd kissed the groom . And now Helen was holding her breath - - for her brand - new husband to love her . . . . My friend was right . I saw the exact problems she meant , but I did like reading some things about it . My grade : a C . The main problem was that the book was much too crowded . It had too many issues to give each of them the space they deserved to be fully developed . Helen 's military career , Nat 's blindness , the custody battles , the kids themselves and their problems accepting all the changes in their lives AND the love story . All this in a 250 - page book . Ramin made a good effort , for the first 150 pages , more or less , but in the last 100 pages I thought she lost control of the plot threads by adding a kidnapping and the visit of a weird relative , too , which further crowded the book . I wouldn 't have minded the crowd so much if the romance hadn 't been shortchanged , but it all but disappeared in that last part , and the book became a chore to read . Until then , she 'd succeeded in showing excellent chemistry between Nat and Helen , but she blew it . It was an interesting book at times , yes , but ultimately not a success for me . Of course , I might have been influenced by the fact that being dropped into a ready - made family with 5 kids is my idea of hell ; - ) I 've just finished The Grey Beginning , by Barbara MichaelsHoping that a trip to her late husband 's childhood home will help her come to terms with his recent death , Kathy Malone travels to the rolling hills of Tuscany . But there , instead of solace , Kathy finds a lonely boy named Pietro , uncanny hints about her late husband , and the stately Contessa Morandini , whose chilly reception warms only when she mistakenly assumes Kathy is pregnant with the next heir of the Morandini line . Despite - - or perhaps because of - - the Contessa 's efforts to keep Kathy and Pietro apart , Kathy befriends the young boy . Their games lead her through the villa 's maze of dark hallways , where she begins to discover hints of a startling truth . As the pieces of a sinister and murderous plan fall into place , Kathy realizes she has stumbled onto a dangerous obsession . . . one that was meant to stay hidden forever . Enjoyable , a B . Very modern gothic . The atmosphere was perfect : the isolated villa near Firenze , the hostile servants , the tragic little kid . But this is Barbara Michaels , so all thisoppressiveness was tempered with touches of humour , like Pietro 's preocupation with American football . It worked perfectly . I loved that it took me a long time to be sure of what exactly was happening , though I had some ideas almost from the first . The important thing was that Kathy was perfectly justified in not realizing what was going on ; too often the heroine in a gothic comes across as stupid for not noticing things . Not her . The what exactly was going on was a bit jarring and not completely believable , so this wasn 't perfect . Other than that , an excellent example of the genre . I 'm apparently on a romance mini - break . The next book I read was I 'm a Stranger Here Myself , by one of my favourite authors , Bill Bryson . After living in Britain for two decades , Bill Bryson recently moved back to the United States with his English wife and four children ( he had read somewhere that nearly 3 million Americans believed they had been abducted by aliens - - as he later put it , " it was clear my people needed me " ) . They were greeted by a new and improved America that boasts microwave pancakes , twenty - four - hour dental - floss hotlines , and the staunch conviction that ice is not a luxury item . I 'm a Stranger Here Myself is a compilation of 70 newspaper columns the author wrote between 1996 and 1998 , shortly after moving back from the UK to the US . Each essay is about 4 pages long , so when I started it my intention was to make it last , to read a couple of essays every now and then . I finished it in 2 days . I was completely unable to stop reading . I 'd finish an essay and think " I 'll stop here " , but then I 'd glance at the first paragraph of the following column and get hooked . . . " Ok , one more . . . " This guy is a genius . This book was laugh out loud funny . Really . I 'm not talking about reading something and smiling and thinking " this is really funny " . I 'm talking about actually laughing until I felt tears running down my cheeks . My family thought I was crazy . Grade : A - . The only reason this didn 't get a perfect grade was a little repetitiveness with a certain joke , which was funny the first time but less so the fourth time . Still , it was only a couple of columns too many , so it never got to be more than a mild irritant . This weekend I reread a Nora Roberts book of which I had practically no recollections : True Betrayals . Kelsey Byden always believed that her mother was dead . But now , after all this time , she has discovered the truth : Naomi Chadwick is still alive - after spending years in prison for the murder of her lover . Now , at Naomi 's Virginia horse farm , Kelsey is trying to sort out a lifetime of deception - and her feelings about her mother . The bonds of love can be fragile … as Kelsey learned from her recently ended marriage . But as the two women rebuild their relationship - and Kelsey finds herself swept into an unsettling new romance - she must decide once and for all who she can trust , and who threatens to betray her … It was a B - . This one read more like women 's fiction than romance . Actually , in the first half , the romance part of the book is very , very slight . The book concentrates on Kelsey getting used to the work at the farm and coming to grips with her mother 's presence . Gabe is just a presence , someone who wants Kelsey and who 's wanted right back by her . It 's only in the second half that their romance comes to life , and even then the love scenes are strangely undetailed and cut short , as if Nora had been trying to go more mainstream . I liked these two as a couple , but I never did get completely invested in their relationsip . The setting , in the world of horse racing ( is this the right expression ? ) was interesting , but unfortunately I didn 't really enjoy the suspense subplot which was a large part of the book , and intimately related to the setting . Really , every time we saw Cunningham and Rich Slater I just wished they 'd go away , and there was a lot about them . Also , the ending wasn 't at all satisfying . I hate it when a book ends and I feel justice hasn 't been served . I guess I 'm not much of a " forgive and forget " kind of person . That person , who was ultimately responsible for the deaths of people and for someone spending 10 years in jail , shouldn 't have got away scot - free . And Naomi didn 't have the right to decidRead more . . . I finally finished Night Fire , by Catherine Coulter , which I 'd abandoned last month . Here is the post I wrote at the time . My final grade for it was a D . Some parts were nice , even sweet , but what bothered me the most was the contrast between a hero who was apparently a nice person , etc , and the guy who 'd think that since Arielle wasn 't responding to her courting , he was perfectly justified in kidnapping her and tricking her into marriage , and that that was " for her own good " , because he was going to make her love him . That is , what bothered me the most was not exactly what he did , but the fact that he saw nothing wrong in doing it . I 'd be able to deal with a hero who knows he 's being a bastard in kidnapping the heroine and not respecting her desires , but he 's not able to help himself ( and he has to grovel , of course ; - ) . I 'm able to deal with this if the author shows that this behaviour is wrong . Not only about kidnapping , I can deal with whatever behaviour ( see Gaffney 's To Have and To Hold , for instance ) , but if , and only if , the author doesn 't seem to be saying , " Oh , men know best . She , being a woman , didn 't know what was good for her " . Here it 's not like that . Coulter seems to see nothing wrong in Burke 's reasoning , and that 's what turned me off . I 'm not even going to go into the idiotic suspense subplot and the boring , inane heroine . The hero alone is enough for a D grade . I 've been waiting since February to read The Golden One , by Elizabeth Peters , book number 14 in the Amelia Peabody series . A richly woven tale of romance , treachery , intrigue , and murder in a breathtaking realm of ancient wonders and crumbling splendor . A new year , 1917 , is dawning , and the Great War that ravages the world shows no sign of abating . In these perilous times , archaeologist Amelia Peabody and her extended family must confront shocking dangers . But it is son Ramses who faces the most dire threat , answering a call that will carry him to the fabled seaport of Gaza on a mission as personal as it is perilous - - where death will be the certain consequence of exposure . While far away , Ramses 's beautiful wife , Nefret , guards a secret of her own . . . I enjoyed it , though the pacing and structure were a bit problematic . A B + . My main problem with Lord of the Silent is that halfway through , the book undergoes a personality change . We were having a nice mystery , with hidden tombs and grave robbers and all the elements that made me love this series , when wham ! the book turns into a spy story . Shit , I thought we 'd left that behing after He Shall Thunder in the Sky , but apparently not . Don 't get me wrong , I loved Thunder , but the abrupt change didn 't feel right . It 's as if Peters didn 't know if she wanted the mystery or the spy story , so she decided to have both , one after the other . And then , the final almost 100 pages were completely bereft of suspense . The spy plot is over , the villain in the tomb - robbing mystery is dead , and the Emersons just go about their business in their excavation ( with very amusing distractions ) . I must guiltily confess that I actually loved reading this . The danger had finished , so all I had left to read was the resolution of the " archeological " part of the book , find the secret tomb , etc . , simply because what has me coming back to this series again and again are the characters and their interactions , not their adventures in themselves . After all the excitement of the first parts , the slow pRead more . . . Question from FridayFive this week . 1 . Do you watch sports ? If so , which ones ? Football ( the kind called soccer in the US ) . That 's practically all I use my TV for , that and the news . My favourite league is the English Premier League ( no games this weekend , boo - hoo ! ) , and I follow that obsessively . Also , of course , the Uruguayan league , though watching it after watching some games from the EPL makes me depressed . . . it looks like we play a different game ! ! I also like the Italian league , and the Spanish , and the Argentinian , everything . And then there are the regional competitions , like the Libertadores , the Copa Sudamericana , the Champions League . . . And the best is the World Cup . I spent a month waking up at 3 . 00 AM every day last year , because I refused to miss even one game . The best is actually going to the games . The Centenario , where my team plays ( also known as the stadium where the first World Cup final was played ) , is about 10 minutes from my house , so I go practically every weekend . I do like some other sports . I like watching tennis and golf , and sometimes basketball . 2 . What / who are your favorite sports teams and / or favorite athletes ? My football team is Nacional , one of the two big teams in Uruguay . It 's a family tradition , from my mom 's side of the family . My grandfather was club president once , and my grandma used to go to the stadium for every single game . The other day it was pouring and freezing cold , and Nacional was playing an away game at a stadium that 's reputed to be pretty dangerous , so I stayed home and watched it on TV . My mom 's comment : " You 're not going to the Nacional game ? Your grandma would have gone ! " . Grandma died when I was 3 , I wish I 'd been able to go to games with her . My favourite athletes are all football players . The guy who was my absolute favourite disappointed me earlier this year with a very unprofessional attitude ; I 'd even named my cat O ' Neill after him . I tried to change his name and called him something else , but I gave up the effort when the poor thing started looking Read more . . . After the last couple of Blaze books that I 've read , I was almost afraid to try Cathy Yardley 's Guilty Pleasures . Mari Salazar has to get her act together - otherwise her backstreet restaurant will quickly become a been - there , done - that kind of thing . She risked everything to create her place , Guilty Pleasures , and she 's willing to risk everything all over again just to save it . She doesn 't have a plan , but she does have . . . Nick Avery is a supersexy chef looking for a second chance . His once - four - star reputation is now no - star , thanks to a longtime rival . When Nick shows up on Mari 's doorstep she knows it means trouble , and not just for her restaurant , either ! Soon she 's not only sampling his delectable dishes , she 's sampling the chef himself . Together they cook up a sinful menu that garners many new patrons , but when opportunity knocks on Nick 's door , with high - class offers , he must decide , as will Mari , what and who they truly desire . . . This was better . A B - . The main thing I liked about this book was the food angle , though I have to say that the type of cooking in JAK 's books usually sounds more tempting to me than the one here ; - ) Still , this was a fascinating glance into the world of high - class cooking , with its contests , its rules and its cutthroat rivalries . The romance was a bit more ho - hum . I didn 't get all that emotionally involved in it , even though I liked both characters . I must say I liked the ending , which dealt realistically with the issues of sacrificing one 's ambitions for love . I 'm glad that even though I intensely disliked the previous Anne Stuarts I 've read ( Blue Sage and Moonrise ) , I nevertheless decided to give her another chance and read Lord of Danger . Half - sister to Richard the Fair , Alys has been schooled in the sheltered ways of the convent , far from the treachery and intrigue of castle life . Until she is taken from the cloister and brought to a place filled with secrets . Here she is to meet her future husband , a man some call monster . He is Simon of Navarre , a powerful and mysterious lord practiced in the black arts . This sensual stranger both terrifies and fascinates her . . . and sets her heart burning with an unfamiliar fire . Jaded by war , no longer able to believe in human goodness , Simon has turned to the realm of darkness . But the master magician finds himself bewitched by the innocent Alys , who fears his very touch could damn her forever . . . yet even as Simon begins to work his seductive magic , Alys senses the wounded soul beneath the coolly elegant facade . Now , as the two became pawns in Richard 's treacherous scheme to become England 's king , only one power can save them : the unstoppable force of love . Such a difference from those other two books ! The little things that I 'd liked about them , what made me think " this could have been good " were excellent here , and what had bothered me had been toned down . A B + . I really liked that the focus of the book was mostly on the love story . The political intrigue set up the situation and provided the final conflict , but it didn 't take over the story with tiresome manouvering . The characters : just wonderful . Simon was a very dark , tortured hero . He was like James ( from Moonrise ) in that , only he had a sense of humor , a great deal of charm , a sense of honour and a troublesome conscience . . . in short , he was nothing like James ; - ) All jokes aside , he was a fascinating character , a guy who 's cultivated his own legend to get power , who delights in scaring people and who likes to think that he has lost his soul and has no conscience , only to havRead more . . . I 'm trying to make them last , but this weekend I succumbed to temptation and read Green Fire , byJayne Anne Krentz ( written as Stephanie James ) . Flint Cottrell had been driven all his life by a restlessness that didn 't allow any peace . He chased legends and treasures , wrote about them , sold his stories to magazines when he could , did odd jobs when he couldn 't . But the night Rani Garroway opened her door , he knew he 'd found that elusive " something " he 'd been searching for . Rani stared at the handsome , thoroughly rain - soaked stranger , who looked like a battle - scarred alley cat demanding shelter . As his exotic green eyes locked with hers , she realized that he could set her safe , risk - free life on fire - - green fire - - and the flames were already licking at her heart . A nice read , one with several elements from The Adventurer . It had several problems , but I 'd still give it a B . " . . . looked like a battle - scarred alley cat demanding shelter " . I love that description . From that phrase alone on the back cover , I would have bought the book even if it hadn 't been a JAK . It signaled that I was going to get something I always enjoy in a JAK book , a hero who really needs the heroine . And I did . Flint had a desperate sense that Rani was what he 'd been looking for all his life , and that 's simply something that touches a chord with me . Unfortunately , about half - way through the dynamics of the situation were abruptly reversed . Rani was hesitant , until then , not really wanting to get involved , but suddenly she 's madly in love and telling Flint that . And he , who 'd been ready to make a permanent commitment , keeps quiet . It made absolutely no sense , and it was very obviously done only to generate some conflict . The obligatory suspense subplot was completely extraneous , and I saw it coming a mile away , only because I knew the book had to have some gun - wielding villain . Since there just weren 't all that many characters , it was also obvious who the villain had to be . Still , I enjoyed this , in spite of the problems I found . This weekend I read Whose Body ? , by Dorothy L . Sayers . The stark naked body was lying in the tub . Not unusual for a proper bath , but highly irregular for murder - - especially witha pair of gold pince - nez deliberately perched before the sightless eyes . What 's more , the face appeared to have been shaved after death . The police assumed that the victim was a prominent financier , but Lord Peter Wimsey , who dabbled in mystery detection as a hobby , knew better . In this , his first murder case , Lord Peter untangles the ghastly mystery of the corpse in the bath . It was very good , a B . From the info I 've been able to gather , this one 's the first Lord Peter Wimsey mystery . I 'd read some of them in high school , from my school library , so earlier this year I decided to read the full list , in order . Whose Body ? had an interesting mystery , but one that wasn 't particularly difficult to guess . There weren 't all that many suspects , and it was even pretty obvious what had happened . Intrincate , yes ; interesting , that too , but suspensful it wasn 't . What made this book good was the writing and the characters , especially Lord Peter . such a fascinating character ! So fatuous on the outside , but all those little clues as to his past in the war . I 'm looking forward to reading more about him . This book was written in 1923 , and many things felt terribly alien , most especially the way Jews were alluded to . I don 't know if I 'd describe it as anti - Semitism , exactly , since there wasn 't any hostility expressed from the characters who were supposed to be sympathetic , and the one Jewish character was portrayed as a very nice man . What there was was a lot of mentions to the fact that someone was Jewish , or about how Jews were a certain way . Things that didn 't necessarily express the author 's opinion , but which didn 't have any bearing on the plot either . I suppose they might be simply a faithful representation of how many people were at the time , but it still made me uncomfortable . Sharp Edges is the last of the Jayne Ann Krentz books I had that I hadn 't reread . Eugenia Swift is a young woman of singular sensibilities , and a connoisseur of beauty . As the director of the Leafbrook Glass Museum , she 's been asked to travel to Frog Cove Island - - an artistic haven near Seattle - - to catalog an important collection of art glass . But thanks to unsavory rumors surrounding the collector 's death , the museum insists that Eugenia take along Cyrus Chandler Colfax - - a rough - hewn private investigator whose taste in glass runs to ice - cold bottles filled with beers . When Colfax declares they must pose as a couple , Eugenia protests in a manner as loud as his Hawaiian shirts . She fears that her secret mission will be discovered . . . while he hopes that she will be a mask for his own hidden agenda . But soon their very lives depend on making an utterely convincing couple . Because among the chic galleries of Frog Cove Island lurks a killer , and their only chance for survival is the boldest , most artful collaboration they can dare to imagine . It was good , if a little bit lackluster . An excellent comfort read ( like every JAK ) , yes , but not very exciting . A B . Very nice characters ( I especially loved how Cyrus delighted in how Eugenia liked was really strong and good at what she did ) , an otherwise interesting suspense subplot that occupied a little too much space , and a nice setting . Liked best : the bantering . That 's always one of the best parts of JAK 's books . Liked least : the villain . Too much of a moustache - twirling cliché . And that 's it , really . Not much more to say . . . FridayFive questions for this week . They are not really all applicable , but here I go . 1 . What vehicle do you drive ? I don 't have a car . I can afford to buy one ( maybe not a Ferrari , : - P but a serviceable one , yes ) , but I 've chosen not to for a couple of reasons . First , I don 't like cars . I think they are dirty things . Second , I find driving in the city stressful . I much prefer using buses . The Montevideo bus system isn 't perfect , but it covers my most usual movements perfectly . When it doesn 't , I just take a cab . I 'm lucky , I know there are places where you have to have a car if you want to move around . When I decide where I 'm going to live , what the public transportation network is like will probably have a big role in my choice . Third , money . With gas , insurance , maintenance , parking , not to mention the little features people add ( like CD players and loudspeaker ) and car club fees , just having a car ends up costing lots of money . And fourth , having a car is a responsiblility I don 't want . You have to take care of it . You hear a little noise and have to take it to the garage . You have to keep track of oil changes and that kind of things . If you leave it parked downtown you have to worry about having paid for enough parking town , and in other areas you have to worry about vandalism or it getting stolen . I really don 't need the trouble . 2 . How long have you had it ? 3 . What is the coolest feature on your vehicle ? 4 . What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle ? 5 . If money were no object , what vehicle would you be driving right now ? I tried a new - to - me author the other day , Leslie Kelly . Her book is Two to Tangle , a Harlequin Temptation . She 'd heard of brotherly love . . . Window dresser Chloe Weston doesn 't believe in lust at first sight - until she catches her boss , Troy Langtree , reveling half - naked in a rainstorm . So when she finds herself alone , on a secluded beach , with the object of her nightly fantasies , she decides to go for it . And wakes up to discover she 's had the best sex of her life - - with Troy 's twin brother ! . . . But this was ridiculous ! Trent Langtree has a fledgling business , a nosy family . . . and a bad case of the hots for sassy Chloe Weston . The gorgeous brunette is smart , spirited and sexy as hell . She 's everything he 's ever wanted in a woman . . . except she thinks he 's his brother , Troy . But Trent has plans to convince Chloe that he 's her man . After all , in the battle between the sheets , this brother always comes out on top ! I enjoyed it , it had nice things and nothing that irritated me , but also nothing all that special . Still , it was a satisfying short read : B is my grade . The book had an interesting setup . Yes , it was probably an " only in a romance novel " kind of thing , but I liked it because while it depended on coincidence , it didn 't depend on the characters acting like idiots or reasoning like no sensible person would . They reacted plausibly , and that is something that will make or break a book for me . There were a couple of contrived , less believable details , like Trent 's " signed contract " with his grandmother , but this was kept to a minimum and wasn 't a major conflict in the story . Both characters were likeable , and I enjoyed Trent 's campaign to " win " Chloe . It helped that Chloe wasn 't stupidly stubborn about it , she simply had a couple of doubts due to her family history and to the very rude shock she had received . She didn 't hold what had happened against Trent , and was very reasonable about it . Refreshing . Oh , and plus , I liked them together , they were a nice fit . I posted at AAR about the authors I 've discovered so far in 2003 . Though most of them weren 't by any means new or debut authors , I discovered a grand total of 42 new - to - me authors this year . The results varied . ( Any of these you want to know more details about : go to my index of reads to find the link to that particual book ) Some hits : Breathless , by Laura Lee Guhrke : a lovely setting , characters I liked and who grew during the book and yummy sexual tension . Sensual Secrets , by Jo Leigh : Leigh is one of the few authors who writes 20something heroines who feel right . The Shadowy Horses , by Susanna Kearsley : For some reason , this author 's writing just hits the right spot with me . I love her characters , and the way her settings feel so real . Midnight is a Lonely Place , by Barbara Erskine : This is not romance , it 's more like supernatural horror . It was chilling and fascinating . The Vagabond Knight , by Margaret Moore ( short story in the The Brides of Christmas anthology ) : I loved the hero , a guy who hid the fact that his life was tough and he was unhappy behind a façade of good humour . The story wasn 't perfect ; basically , it was too short and felt rushed , but I liked what I read enough to go looking for Moore 's backlist . The Forbidden Lord , by Sabrina Jeffries : very much a typical Regency - set historical , but the author made everything feel fresh and exciting . My Brother Michael , by Mary Stewart : A nice trip to the past . Forbidden Garden , by Tracy Fobes : A B - movie set in the 19th century , with a nice romance included . Shards of Honor , by Lois McMaster Bujold : My first sci - fi . The romance was good , too . Final Exit , by Laurie Breton : Good , very solid book . The suspense subplot was especially well done . Once a Dreamer , by Candice Hern : I just adored the hero , a real 19th century feminist . Duchess in Love , by Eloisa James : Loved the authors writing style . I was more interested in one of the secondary romances than on the protagonists , but the book was a success for me . Misses : Dangerous , by Debra Dier : TSTL heroine and a suspense subRead more . . . Earlier this week I reread As You Desire , by Connie Brockway . I had first read it years and years ago , and I hadn 't really enjoyed it much . However , lately I 've " rediscovered " Brockway , so I decided to give it another chance . He galloped across the midnight - shrouded landscape , racing toward her on his pure white steed . Her destiny . . . In her wildest fantasies Desdemona Carlisle could not have conjured a more dashing savior , and this was real . But an unlikelier hero was hard to find . Harry Braxton was a rogue , a scoundrel , and a born opportunist who had already broken her heart once . How could she ever trust a notorious rake who came with a warning : lover , beware . . . ? With her bronze - gold hair and quicksilver grace , the sloe - eyed beauty was every man 's desire and one man 's sole passion . But the secret that had made Harry an exile also made it impossible for him to offer Desdemona more that friendship . Until his aristocratic cousin laid siege to Desdemona 's heart and Harry , damning the consequences , vowed to do anything , give anything , to claim her for him own . . . It was lovely , an A - . Not my favourite Brockway , by any means , but still wonderful . First of all , I really liked the setting . This is Amelia Peabody 's Egypt , perfectly recognizable , and it was nice to see another perspective of the early days of Egyptology . I found Harry captivating . A charmer , all fun and good humour , but with hidden depths . I liked how there were almost no scenes from his POV for the first part of the book , so I formed a certain impression , and then when we got into his head I was surprised because he was much more than I imagined . I really don 't know if I 'd call him a tortured hero . I mean , he had had very big problems , but he refused to wallow in them and let them influence his present actions . It was a bit hard to understand why not being able to read was treated as such a big deal , but this is from current , " enlightened " perspective . It was interesting to see how dyslexia was seen in a different light in the past . Desdemona was also a charactRead more . . .

After reading Nora Roberts 's Night Tales # 1 , I did something I almost never do and read # 2 , Night Shadow immediately afterwards . IN A CITY RULED BY FEAR . . . . . . . . a solitary figure shrouded in black walked the night , determined to awaken a terrified metropolis from the nightmare of crime . There was nothing - - no bullets , and certainly not legal technicalities - - that could deter the man they called Nemesis from his mission . Deborah O ' Roarke , an idealistic young prosecutor waging her own war against crime , owed Nemesis her very life . She shared his passion for justice , yet she could not accept his lawless methods . Still , though she fought her unwelcome desire for this disturbing stranger , she was unable to deny her longing to share the shadows that were his home . . . . Lots of fun ! An A - . Well , I must say I 'm surprised that a romance novel with a hero who puts on a superhero costume and roams the streets fighting the forces of evil and crime worked so well ; - ) It 's especially surprising because the tone of the book wasn 't at all campy , but serious . Night Shadow felt very much like one of those superheroes comics . It 's set in a city , Urbana , which is very , very Gotham ( though the atmosphere was distinctly like the one of the city in that first Batman movie . . . ) . The hero , who is a millionaire in his regular life ( yes , well , this is Nora Roberts , you know ) , has a " superpower " ( being able to become invisible ) and moonlights as a superhero . And the heroine . of course , is the serious sort , who keeps running into our hero in both his guises and is attracted to " both " men . Gage 's superpower is pretty well explained , as plausible as these things can be . However , I had to turn down my critical faculties a little : I could understand that he became invisible , but what happens to his clothes ? ? Ah , well , I just had to ignore this and enjoy the rest of the show : - ) The romance worked very well , too . This was very much an action - driven romance , but I enjoyed it , even though I usually much prefer character - driven stories . Maybe it was just tRead more . . . I was recently talking to a friend who loves series ( as in related books ) and I was telling her about Nora Roberts . Not too surprisingly , after talking about books I 've loved , I felt the need to reread them . I started with the Night Tales series , a group of five related books with the common thread of having characters who are night people . The first one is Night Shift . IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT The calls came like clockwork - - a cold , hate - filled voice telling late - night radio announcer Cilla O ' Roarke that she was going to die . The never - ending threats had finally made her a believer . She was desperate - - desperate enough to accept police protection . Cilla preferred to keep her distance from the police , and she had her reasons . But there was something about Boyd Fletcher that made him difficult to ignore . He was strong , laconic , infuriating and clearly determined to watch over her every second of the day - - and night . And the trouble was , the more Cilla saw of her unwanted bodyguard , the more she wanted him to share the night she loved . . . . Most of it was just ok , but it had enough special moments to make it a B . The whole first part of the book was pretty lackluster . It felt like it had very little originality , like every other ( and there are quite a few ) book about a woman who has the need for police ( or bodyguard ) protection against a stalker and falls in love with the man assigned to protect her . It was very unoriginal , down to the heroine who very feistily ( I hate that word ! ) denies that she needs the hero 's help , and I had trouble keeping my attention on the book . My mind just kept wondering . Oh , and I was irritated by all the music references . I suppose they were pretty mainstream , and most Americans would recognize them , but not being American myself , I didn 't get 90 % of them and it got very tedious . But the book gradually became better , probably starting when Cilla ditched her stupid " I don 't need a bodyguard " attitude , and there were certain moments , like the first love scene which were wonderful . By the tRead more . . . Another week , another Barbara Michaels . This time : Greygallows . Not knowing the past of her charming and handsome suitor , Lucy Cartwright accepts his marriage proposal . Innocently following Baron Clare to his estate , Lucy has no idea that he is leading her into a world of betrayal and danger . Suddenly she realizes the man of her fondest dreams has become the source of her worst nightmares , and she must devise a way out * Sigh * It 's hard to grade this one . I suppose it was a good book , if I had to evaluate it objectively , but the thing is the whole injustice of the laws at the time and helplessness of the heroine made me too angry and depressed to enjoy it . I 'll have to give it a C + . I mean , it was so frustrating ! Lucy was so obviously making a huge mistake . She realized the consequences , that once she was married there was pretty much nothing she could do to get out of it if it became intolerable . She wasn 't too sure of what she was doing . And yet , she didn 't have the spine to take a stand . Maybe the thing was she was too young . And that was something else I disliked . I suppose it 's accurate , but a 17 - year - old heroine is just too young for me to relate to , at least as a supposedly " adult " character . To make things worse , there was very little of the humour I like so much in most of this author 's books here . It had the oppressive atmosphere I enjoy in gothics , but without that extra something else , it wasn 't thrilling , just awfully depressing . So far I 've had mixed results with Michaels ' historicals . Black Rainbow and Greygallows , I didn 't like , while The Master of Blacktower , Sons of the Wolf and Wings of the Falcon were good . I 'll have to see what I think of The Wizard 's Daughter , the only one I haven 't reread lately . . . Last Friday I read Secret Admirer , by Susan Napier , an old Harlequin Presents title . Running into a potential business partner late at night in a broken elevator - when one was wearing a glamorous fur with nothing on underneath - was awkward , but Grace Blair was cool enough to handle a hot situation . Her poised , controlled demeanor belied the insecurity she felt taking over her late husband 's business empire , but Scott Gregory was able with one caressing glance to strip away all her pretenses . Especially since the handsome New Zealander had made it clear from their first inauspicious meeting that in business , knowledge was power - and that he knew exactly what he wanted . Despite some early doubts , this was ultimately a B . I usually decide purchases based on reviews , but occasionally I read some intriguing tidbit in a message board post or mailing list message and buy the book . This is what happened with Secret Admirer , and by the time it got here I hadn 't the foggiest idea of why I 'd bought it . First of all , it was a Harlequin Presents , which I 've always thought of as the old - fashioned ones , with the cruel alpha males and spineless heroines . Definitely not my cup of tea . And when I started it , it seemed to be just that . The hero , Scott , behaves very much like the sterotypical alpha of old times , when I started reading romance . He acuses Grace of having a " protector " , he 's condescending and patronizing and manipulative . And Grace is just as problematic . At one point , she thinks she behaved " like a shameless hussy of the streets " . A heroine who actually says the words " shameless hussy " and not as a joke has to be a bit too old - fashioned for me ; - ) And I got really irritated by the way she lets herself be manipulated by Scott so easily . I just can 't believe someone would actually fall for the old " What , afraid of kissing me ? No ? Then prove it ! " trick ! Furthermore , I really didn 't get why she got so upset about the elevator episode . So she gets stuck in an elevator naked under a fur coat , and at one point the guy she 's Read more . . . I 've been meaning to read Born in Shame , by Nora Roberts , ever since I reread the first two novels in the trilogy earlier this year . This third and final novel in Roberts 's Irish trilogy is the story of Shannon Bodine . Shannon 's life is rocked by an emotional earthquake when she learns the identity of her real father . Obeying her late mother 's last wish , American Shannon travels to County Clare , Ireland , to meet the sisters she never knew she had . Warmed and comforted by the bond that grows between her and her sisters , her heart is lured by the charm of the Irish countryside and tempted by the attraction of horseman Murphy Muldoon . Murphy takes one look at Shannon and knows that she is the woman he 's waited for all his life . But Shannon is a practical woman . Will she open her heart and mind to the timeless , magical bond that connects them ? Or will she reject fate 's plan and leave Murphy to return to her life in America ? It was wonderful , an A - . I adored Murphy . I loved the way he took one look at Shannon and he was a gonner . That was it for him . That first scene , where Shannon thinks he 's a bit slow because all he can do is stare at her was beautiful ! Shannon could have been a tedious character , because of the way she refused to accept what was happening , but I really did understand her doubts about giving it all up for love , and I though more of her for thinking things through carefully and not letting herself be pressured by Murphy . I felt the solution they arrived at was the best way to go . Ok , yes , I 'm not usually too fond of the " fated lovers " angle . I like to see people fall in love and understand why they do , and to have the protagonists fall for each other only because it was pre - ordained in some prophecy seems to me like cheating . For some reason , it worked here . Probably because I got the feeling that these two would have fallen in love anyway , even if there hadn 't been that supernatural thing . And speaking of the touch of the supernatural , I thought it was just right for the story . Roberts has been knownRead more . . . As I said I might after reading the last book , I 've started a reread of the whole Amelia Peabody series , by Elizabeth Peters . Book number one is Crocodile on the Sandbank . Elizabeth Peters 's unforgettable heroine Amelia Peabody makes her first appearance in this clever mystery . Amelia receives a rather large inheritance and decides to use it for travel . On her way through Rome to Egypt , she meets Evelyn Barton - Forbes , a young woman abandoned by her lover and left with no means of support . Amelia promptly takes Evelyn under her wing , insisting that the young lady accompany her to Egypt , where Amelia plans to indulge her passion for Egyptology . When Evelyn becomes the target of an aborted kidnapping and the focus of a series of suspicious accidents and mysterious visitations , Amelia becomes convinced of a plot to harm her young friend . Like any self - respecting sleuth , Amelia sets out to discover who is behind it all . I loved it , it may sound clichéd , but it was visiting with old friends . An A + . Ahhh , this is were it all started . I really loved seeing the first indications of those character traits so developed in the following books . I was pleasantly surprised to see that the characters were already pretty formed here . They develop in the rest of the series , and grow , but they are still the same people they are in this first book . What can I say about Amelia and Emerson that I haven 't said a thousand times before ? What is here that isn 't in the rest of the books is them falling in love , and it was wonderful . One intense look into each other 's eyes was more erotic than a full - blown sex scene in other books ; - ) The plot was ok , but a bit too obvious . I probably remember it from when I first read this , but really , if one accepts that nothing supernatural was going on , there 's only one solution , and one very easy to guess . On to book number two , now ! Almost a Princess is my first Elizabeth Thornton book . I 've had Whisper His Name ( which seems to be a kind of prequel to this one ) in my TBR for ages . What possible connection can there be between Jane Mayberry , a beautiful , independent and articulate bluestocking and a notorious killer who has eluded British Intelligence for years ? Case Devere , the Earl of Castleton , is attached to Special Branch and is determined to find out . But Jane is embroiled in her own troubles and the last thing she needs right now is this steely - eyed , arrogant aristocrat looking over her shoulder . When she quietly disappears , Case 's worst suspicions are aroused . He goes after her . I don 't know . I liked some elements , but the book as a whole didn 't completely work for me . A B . The main problem was that the book felt a little disjointed . The main conflict seems to be catching La Roca , the killer who wants to murder Case , but there 's something else from Jane 's past which takes over most of the middle part of the book . And here 's the thing : I loved the way they dealt with this problem from Jane 's past ( trying very hard not to spoil things here ! ) . There was no stupid bowing to convention , which was very refreshing . I just wish the main conflict had been this one , and not La Roca , which means I was more than a little irritated when wham ! this problem disappears and we 're back to catching the murderer . Damn ! Eh , well . . . at least , the romance works very well , because the protagonists are lovely . Case is on the surface the very clichéd " Regency spy hero " , but the author goes deeper than most in the characterization , exploring what his past experiences did to him . As for Jane , she 's a really nice and intelligent heroine , who refuses to martyr herself to society 's conventions ( see above ) and doesn 't hesitate to protect herself . I liked their relationship , which seemed to be based on genuine affection and love . However , their very reasonableness and refusal to act like stereotypical romance characters made Jane and Case 's relationship be resolved muchRead more . . . I really liked the first Laura Lee Guhrke I read , Breathless . Not So Innocent ( Pandora 's Box and excerpt ) , sounded completely different : Victorian instead of turn - of - the - century US , has a psychic heroine . . . Still , it did sound interesting . Sophie Haversham would give anything not to have the gift of foresight . After all , her " talent " has already cost her one fiancé . And reporting a crime that hasn 't happened yet is no easy task , especially to a tough , street - wise Scotland Yard detective . Inspector Mick Dunbar doesn 't believe in visions , and he 's convinced Sophie is actually shielding a would - be murderer . Only when Sophie 's life is in danger does Mick realize he has fallen in love with this beautiful , courageous woman who can see into his very mind and heart , but will the knowledge come too late to save her ? Not quite as good as the first 50 pages promised , but still pretty nice : B . The first thing that comes to mind is that Sophie 's psychic powers were very underused . I really would have liked to see more of her powers in action , so to speak , but this part of the book is limited to a couple of little " mindreading " episodes and one vision . I guess the author succeeded in making this interesting , so much so that she has me begging for more ! ; - ) Both Sophie and Mick were likeable people , and I found them especially interesting because they weren 't the usual rake / bluestocking so many romance novels feature . I liked Mick . He was very charming , in an unpolished way , and one of the things I like best about him is that he doesn 't have that " I 'm just a policeman , she 's too good for me " trauma . He is wonderfully self - assured . The only problem I had with him was that he persisted in not trusting Sophie for a little too long . Sophie was ok , but more typical innocent , self - martyring , occasionally foolish romance heroine . The first scene , when she goes to the police and tells Mick about her vision , I wanted to shake her . Come on , you know anyone would be doubtful when you tell them about how you saw a murder in your dreams , at leRead more . . . With the Dreams Part I and Part II duet , Jayne Ann Krentz does something I hadn 't seen before in a Harlequin book , or rather , books ! These are not the usual book and sequel . Neither are complete in themselves , but they aren 't really a whole book either , because the main issues change . Part I focuses on the courting , while Part II focuses on making a marriage work and dealing with pregnancy . Meanwhile , the Chained Lady legend and the suspense subplot cover both books . Dreams Part I : History was repeating itself Diana Prentice needed a break from the power gars corporate world . She picked the charming mountain town ; Fulbrook Corners as her sanctuary , not knowing that mysterious forces had lured her to the scene of an age - old struggle . Was it the local legend of the Chained Lady and warrior that was so unsettling to her . . . or the disconcerting presence of native Colby Savagar ? Soon the sheer fierceness of his passion overwhelmed and left her in turmoil . For she knew somehow there had been another place , another time when he had taken by force what she now gave willingly . . . . Dreams Part II : They were bound by fate Pregnant ! Diana Prentice knew she should be ecstatic - bearing Colby Savagar 's child - but she wasn 't . The idea of motherhood frightened her . Almost as much as the recurring dreams that told her she needed Colby . . . dreams that beckoned her back to Fulbrook Corners and its timeless legend . Colby himself was haunted by visions of impending danger . He , too , was inexorably drawn back to his hometown . Somehow they both knew the key to their happiness lay in Chained Lady Cave , and that only when they conquered the dark forces of the past together would there be hope for their future . . . My global grade would be a B - . The first part I thought was much , much better than the second , basically because the very nice guy Colby seemed to change into a sexist prick in the second one . I 'd grade the first book B + and the second one C . I really liked the way Diana and Colby 's relationship developed in the first part . They hadRead more . . . I 'm sure I 'd read The Master of Blacktower , by Barbara Michaels once , when I bought it , but for the life of me I couldn 't remember anything about it . I didn 't even have a vague impression of whether I 'd liked it or not . . . WHAT IS THE SECRET THAT HAUNTS THE MASTER OF BLACKTOWER ? His hands were encased in black silk gloves , a lurid scar twisting the roughly hewn features of his face . His dark eyes blazed , and his mocking laughter echoed to the highest tower of the ancient Scottish estate . Damaris Gordon knew she could never work for such a cruel and bitter man - but after her father 's death , she had no choice . Her fate was in the hands of Gavin Hamilton - - a man tortured by disfigurement , disillusion . . . and dark secrets of the past . Was he responsible for his wife 's death ? Or the injury that crippled his young daughter ? Curiosity lured Damaris to the top of the tower in search of the truth . But love sent her over the edge . . . This one 's a real gothic . Not a parody of a gothic , or a modern gothic , or any other variation , but an almost textbook example of one , and I relished it . I mean , textbook if you don 't think that a gothic heroine has to be weak and TSTL , because Damaris certainly wasn 't . My grade : an A - . The strength of The Master of Blacktower is in its protagonists and its atmosphere . As I said , Damaris was a strong , intelligent heroine , with an excellent intuition about people . Gavin was a perfect gothic hero , wounded and tortured , with failings , but ultimately a good person . These two were lovely together , they definitely had a lot of chemistry . As for the atmosphere , wow ! It was what it should be in any good gothic . The isolated house in Scotland , the strange servants , Gavin 's invalid daughter , the mysterious neighbours , the suspicious story of Gavin 's wife . . . it all helped establish a very distinctive atmosphere . The only thing I wasn 't too crazy about was the ending . Oh , the final scene was actually excellent , but the ending itself was much too abrupt . I 'm not asking for a looong , syrupy epilogue , but a couple Read more . . . I 've just finished Five Kids , One Christmas , by Terese Ramin . It 's not a book I 'd nomally choose to read , but I asked a friend to lend me a book at random that wasn 't bad and she brought me this one . She said it had problems , but also a lot of original elements I might enjoy . FIVE KIDS . . . Last she knew , widowed mom Helen Brannigan had one daughter and no man in her life . Now there were seven Christmas stockings to hang , five extra settings for the table - - and one man - size dinner to make . Suddenly she was sharing her home - - and joint custody of five kids - - with a sexy widowed dad who was no more than a stranger . . . . ONE WEDDING . . . In a marriage of convenience , she 'd said " I do " to that sexy stranger . Five happy little faces had held their breaths as she 'd kissed the groom . And now Helen was holding her breath - - for her brand - new husband to love her . . . . My friend was right . I saw the exact problems she meant , but I did like reading some things about it . My grade : a C . The main problem was that the book was much too crowded . It had too many issues to give each of them the space they deserved to be fully developed . Helen 's military career , Nat 's blindness , the custody battles , the kids themselves and their problems accepting all the changes in their lives AND the love story . All this in a 250 - page book . Ramin made a good effort , for the first 150 pages , more or less , but in the last 100 pages I thought she lost control of the plot threads by adding a kidnapping and the visit of a weird relative , too , which further crowded the book . I wouldn 't have minded the crowd so much if the romance hadn 't been shortchanged , but it all but disappeared in that last part , and the book became a chore to read . Until then , she 'd succeeded in showing excellent chemistry between Nat and Helen , but she blew it . It was an interesting book at times , yes , but ultimately not a success for me . Of course , I might have been influenced by the fact that being dropped into a ready - made family with 5 kids is my idea of hell ; - ) I 've just finished The Grey Beginning , by Barbara MichaelsHoping that a trip to her late husband 's childhood home will help her come to terms with his recent death , Kathy Malone travels to the rolling hills of Tuscany . But there , instead of solace , Kathy finds a lonely boy named Pietro , uncanny hints about her late husband , and the stately Contessa Morandini , whose chilly reception warms only when she mistakenly assumes Kathy is pregnant with the next heir of the Morandini line . Despite - - or perhaps because of - - the Contessa 's efforts to keep Kathy and Pietro apart , Kathy befriends the young boy . Their games lead her through the villa 's maze of dark hallways , where she begins to discover hints of a startling truth . As the pieces of a sinister and murderous plan fall into place , Kathy realizes she has stumbled onto a dangerous obsession . . . one that was meant to stay hidden forever . Enjoyable , a B . Very modern gothic . The atmosphere was perfect : the isolated villa near Firenze , the hostile servants , the tragic little kid . But this is Barbara Michaels , so all thisoppressiveness was tempered with touches of humour , like Pietro 's preocupation with American football . It worked perfectly . I loved that it took me a long time to be sure of what exactly was happening , though I had some ideas almost from the first . The important thing was that Kathy was perfectly justified in not realizing what was going on ; too often the heroine in a gothic comes across as stupid for not noticing things . Not her . The what exactly was going on was a bit jarring and not completely believable , so this wasn 't perfect . Other than that , an excellent example of the genre . I 'm apparently on a romance mini - break . The next book I read was I 'm a Stranger Here Myself , by one of my favourite authors , Bill Bryson . After living in Britain for two decades , Bill Bryson recently moved back to the United States with his English wife and four children ( he had read somewhere that nearly 3 million Americans believed they had been abducted by aliens - - as he later put it , " it was clear my people needed me " ) . They were greeted by a new and improved America that boasts microwave pancakes , twenty - four - hour dental - floss hotlines , and the staunch conviction that ice is not a luxury item . I 'm a Stranger Here Myself is a compilation of 70 newspaper columns the author wrote between 1996 and 1998 , shortly after moving back from the UK to the US . Each essay is about 4 pages long , so when I started it my intention was to make it last , to read a couple of essays every now and then . I finished it in 2 days . I was completely unable to stop reading . I 'd finish an essay and think " I 'll stop here " , but then I 'd glance at the first paragraph of the following column and get hooked . . . " Ok , one more . . . " This guy is a genius . This book was laugh out loud funny . Really . I 'm not talking about reading something and smiling and thinking " this is really funny " . I 'm talking about actually laughing until I felt tears running down my cheeks . My family thought I was crazy . Grade : A - . The only reason this didn 't get a perfect grade was a little repetitiveness with a certain joke , which was funny the first time but less so the fourth time . Still , it was only a couple of columns too many , so it never got to be more than a mild irritant . This weekend I reread a Nora Roberts book of which I had practically no recollections : True Betrayals . Kelsey Byden always believed that her mother was dead . But now , after all this time , she has discovered the truth : Naomi Chadwick is still alive - after spending years in prison for the murder of her lover . Now , at Naomi 's Virginia horse farm , Kelsey is trying to sort out a lifetime of deception - and her feelings about her mother . The bonds of love can be fragile … as Kelsey learned from her recently ended marriage . But as the two women rebuild their relationship - and Kelsey finds herself swept into an unsettling new romance - she must decide once and for all who she can trust , and who threatens to betray her … It was a B - . This one read more like women 's fiction than romance . Actually , in the first half , the romance part of the book is very , very slight . The book concentrates on Kelsey getting used to the work at the farm and coming to grips with her mother 's presence . Gabe is just a presence , someone who wants Kelsey and who 's wanted right back by her . It 's only in the second half that their romance comes to life , and even then the love scenes are strangely undetailed and cut short , as if Nora had been trying to go more mainstream . I liked these two as a couple , but I never did get completely invested in their relationsip . The setting , in the world of horse racing ( is this the right expression ? ) was interesting , but unfortunately I didn 't really enjoy the suspense subplot which was a large part of the book , and intimately related to the setting . Really , every time we saw Cunningham and Rich Slater I just wished they 'd go away , and there was a lot about them . Also , the ending wasn 't at all satisfying . I hate it when a book ends and I feel justice hasn 't been served . I guess I 'm not much of a " forgive and forget " kind of person . That person , who was ultimately responsible for the deaths of people and for someone spending 10 years in jail , shouldn 't have got away scot - free . And Naomi didn 't have the right to decidRead more . . . I finally finished Night Fire , by Catherine Coulter , which I 'd abandoned last month . Here is the post I wrote at the time . My final grade for it was a D . Some parts were nice , even sweet , but what bothered me the most was the contrast between a hero who was apparently a nice person , etc , and the guy who 'd think that since Arielle wasn 't responding to her courting , he was perfectly justified in kidnapping her and tricking her into marriage , and that that was " for her own good " , because he was going to make her love him . That is , what bothered me the most was not exactly what he did , but the fact that he saw nothing wrong in doing it . I 'd be able to deal with a hero who knows he 's being a bastard in kidnapping the heroine and not respecting her desires , but he 's not able to help himself ( and he has to grovel , of course ; - ) . I 'm able to deal with this if the author shows that this behaviour is wrong . Not only about kidnapping , I can deal with whatever behaviour ( see Gaffney 's To Have and To Hold , for instance ) , but if , and only if , the author doesn 't seem to be saying , " Oh , men know best . She , being a woman , didn 't know what was good for her " . Here it 's not like that . Coulter seems to see nothing wrong in Burke 's reasoning , and that 's what turned me off . I 'm not even going to go into the idiotic suspense subplot and the boring , inane heroine . The hero alone is enough for a D grade . I 've been waiting since February to read The Golden One , by Elizabeth Peters , book number 14 in the Amelia Peabody series . A richly woven tale of romance , treachery , intrigue , and murder in a breathtaking realm of ancient wonders and crumbling splendor . A new year , 1917 , is dawning , and the Great War that ravages the world shows no sign of abating . In these perilous times , archaeologist Amelia Peabody and her extended family must confront shocking dangers . But it is son Ramses who faces the most dire threat , answering a call that will carry him to the fabled seaport of Gaza on a mission as personal as it is perilous - - where death will be the certain consequence of exposure . While far away , Ramses 's beautiful wife , Nefret , guards a secret of her own . . . I enjoyed it , though the pacing and structure were a bit problematic . A B + . My main problem with Lord of the Silent is that halfway through , the book undergoes a personality change . We were having a nice mystery , with hidden tombs and grave robbers and all the elements that made me love this series , when wham ! the book turns into a spy story . Shit , I thought we 'd left that behing after He Shall Thunder in the Sky , but apparently not . Don 't get me wrong , I loved Thunder , but the abrupt change didn 't feel right . It 's as if Peters didn 't know if she wanted the mystery or the spy story , so she decided to have both , one after the other . And then , the final almost 100 pages were completely bereft of suspense . The spy plot is over , the villain in the tomb - robbing mystery is dead , and the Emersons just go about their business in their excavation ( with very amusing distractions ) . I must guiltily confess that I actually loved reading this . The danger had finished , so all I had left to read was the resolution of the " archeological " part of the book , find the secret tomb , etc . , simply because what has me coming back to this series again and again are the characters and their interactions , not their adventures in themselves . After all the excitement of the first parts , the slow pRead more . . . Question from FridayFive this week . 1 . Do you watch sports ? If so , which ones ? Football ( the kind called soccer in the US ) . That 's practically all I use my TV for , that and the news . My favourite league is the English Premier League ( no games this weekend , boo - hoo ! ) , and I follow that obsessively . Also , of course , the Uruguayan league , though watching it after watching some games from the EPL makes me depressed . . . it looks like we play a different game ! ! I also like the Italian league , and the Spanish , and the Argentinian , everything . And then there are the regional competitions , like the Libertadores , the Copa Sudamericana , the Champions League . . . And the best is the World Cup . I spent a month waking up at 3 . 00 AM every day last year , because I refused to miss even one game . The best is actually going to the games . The Centenario , where my team plays ( also known as the stadium where the first World Cup final was played ) , is about 10 minutes from my house , so I go practically every weekend . I do like some other sports . I like watching tennis and golf , and sometimes basketball . 2 . What / who are your favorite sports teams and / or favorite athletes ? My football team is Nacional , one of the two big teams in Uruguay . It 's a family tradition , from my mom 's side of the family . My grandfather was club president once , and my grandma used to go to the stadium for every single game . The other day it was pouring and freezing cold , and Nacional was playing an away game at a stadium that 's reputed to be pretty dangerous , so I stayed home and watched it on TV . My mom 's comment : " You 're not going to the Nacional game ? Your grandma would have gone ! " . Grandma died when I was 3 , I wish I 'd been able to go to games with her . My favourite athletes are all football players . The guy who was my absolute favourite disappointed me earlier this year with a very unprofessional attitude ; I 'd even named my cat O ' Neill after him . I tried to change his name and called him something else , but I gave up the effort when the poor thing started looking Read more . . . After the last couple of Blaze books that I 've read , I was almost afraid to try Cathy Yardley 's Guilty Pleasures . Mari Salazar has to get her act together - otherwise her backstreet restaurant will quickly become a been - there , done - that kind of thing . She risked everything to create her place , Guilty Pleasures , and she 's willing to risk everything all over again just to save it . She doesn 't have a plan , but she does have . . . Nick Avery is a supersexy chef looking for a second chance . His once - four - star reputation is now no - star , thanks to a longtime rival . When Nick shows up on Mari 's doorstep she knows it means trouble , and not just for her restaurant , either ! Soon she 's not only sampling his delectable dishes , she 's sampling the chef himself . Together they cook up a sinful menu that garners many new patrons , but when opportunity knocks on Nick 's door , with high - class offers , he must decide , as will Mari , what and who they truly desire . . . This was better . A B - . The main thing I liked about this book was the food angle , though I have to say that the type of cooking in JAK 's books usually sounds more tempting to me than the one here ; - ) Still , this was a fascinating glance into the world of high - class cooking , with its contests , its rules and its cutthroat rivalries . The romance was a bit more ho - hum . I didn 't get all that emotionally involved in it , even though I liked both characters . I must say I liked the ending , which dealt realistically with the issues of sacrificing one 's ambitions for love . I 'm glad that even though I intensely disliked the previous Anne Stuarts I 've read ( Blue Sage and Moonrise ) , I nevertheless decided to give her another chance and read Lord of Danger . Half - sister to Richard the Fair , Alys has been schooled in the sheltered ways of the convent , far from the treachery and intrigue of castle life . Until she is taken from the cloister and brought to a place filled with secrets . Here she is to meet her future husband , a man some call monster . He is Simon of Navarre , a powerful and mysterious lord practiced in the black arts . This sensual stranger both terrifies and fascinates her . . . and sets her heart burning with an unfamiliar fire . Jaded by war , no longer able to believe in human goodness , Simon has turned to the realm of darkness . But the master magician finds himself bewitched by the innocent Alys , who fears his very touch could damn her forever . . . yet even as Simon begins to work his seductive magic , Alys senses the wounded soul beneath the coolly elegant facade . Now , as the two became pawns in Richard 's treacherous scheme to become England 's king , only one power can save them : the unstoppable force of love . Such a difference from those other two books ! The little things that I 'd liked about them , what made me think " this could have been good " were excellent here , and what had bothered me had been toned down . A B + . I really liked that the focus of the book was mostly on the love story . The political intrigue set up the situation and provided the final conflict , but it didn 't take over the story with tiresome manouvering . The characters : just wonderful . Simon was a very dark , tortured hero . He was like James ( from Moonrise ) in that , only he had a sense of humor , a great deal of charm , a sense of honour and a troublesome conscience . . . in short , he was nothing like James ; - ) All jokes aside , he was a fascinating character , a guy who 's cultivated his own legend to get power , who delights in scaring people and who likes to think that he has lost his soul and has no conscience , only to havRead more . . . I 'm trying to make them last , but this weekend I succumbed to temptation and read Green Fire , byJayne Anne Krentz ( written as Stephanie James ) . Flint Cottrell had been driven all his life by a restlessness that didn 't allow any peace . He chased legends and treasures , wrote about them , sold his stories to magazines when he could , did odd jobs when he couldn 't . But the night Rani Garroway opened her door , he knew he 'd found that elusive " something " he 'd been searching for . Rani stared at the handsome , thoroughly rain - soaked stranger , who looked like a battle - scarred alley cat demanding shelter . As his exotic green eyes locked with hers , she realized that he could set her safe , risk - free life on fire - - green fire - - and the flames were already licking at her heart . A nice read , one with several elements from The Adventurer . It had several problems , but I 'd still give it a B . " . . . looked like a battle - scarred alley cat demanding shelter " . I love that description . From that phrase alone on the back cover , I would have bought the book even if it hadn 't been a JAK . It signaled that I was going to get something I always enjoy in a JAK book , a hero who really needs the heroine . And I did . Flint had a desperate sense that Rani was what he 'd been looking for all his life , and that 's simply something that touches a chord with me . Unfortunately , about half - way through the dynamics of the situation were abruptly reversed . Rani was hesitant , until then , not really wanting to get involved , but suddenly she 's madly in love and telling Flint that . And he , who 'd been ready to make a permanent commitment , keeps quiet . It made absolutely no sense , and it was very obviously done only to generate some conflict . The obligatory suspense subplot was completely extraneous , and I saw it coming a mile away , only because I knew the book had to have some gun - wielding villain . Since there just weren 't all that many characters , it was also obvious who the villain had to be . Still , I enjoyed this , in spite of the problems I found . This weekend I read Whose Body ? , by Dorothy L . Sayers . The stark naked body was lying in the tub . Not unusual for a proper bath , but highly irregular for murder - - especially witha pair of gold pince - nez deliberately perched before the sightless eyes . What 's more , the face appeared to have been shaved after death . The police assumed that the victim was a prominent financier , but Lord Peter Wimsey , who dabbled in mystery detection as a hobby , knew better . In this , his first murder case , Lord Peter untangles the ghastly mystery of the corpse in the bath . It was very good , a B . From the info I 've been able to gather , this one 's the first Lord Peter Wimsey mystery . I 'd read some of them in high school , from my school library , so earlier this year I decided to read the full list , in order . Whose Body ? had an interesting mystery , but one that wasn 't particularly difficult to guess . There weren 't all that many suspects , and it was even pretty obvious what had happened . Intrincate , yes ; interesting , that too , but suspensful it wasn 't . What made this book good was the writing and the characters , especially Lord Peter . such a fascinating character ! So fatuous on the outside , but all those little clues as to his past in the war . I 'm looking forward to reading more about him . This book was written in 1923 , and many things felt terribly alien , most especially the way Jews were alluded to . I don 't know if I 'd describe it as anti - Semitism , exactly , since there wasn 't any hostility expressed from the characters who were supposed to be sympathetic , and the one Jewish character was portrayed as a very nice man . What there was was a lot of mentions to the fact that someone was Jewish , or about how Jews were a certain way . Things that didn 't necessarily express the author 's opinion , but which didn 't have any bearing on the plot either . I suppose they might be simply a faithful representation of how many people were at the time , but it still made me uncomfortable . Sharp Edges is the last of the Jayne Ann Krentz books I had that I hadn 't reread . Eugenia Swift is a young woman of singular sensibilities , and a connoisseur of beauty . As the director of the Leafbrook Glass Museum , she 's been asked to travel to Frog Cove Island - - an artistic haven near Seattle - - to catalog an important collection of art glass . But thanks to unsavory rumors surrounding the collector 's death , the museum insists that Eugenia take along Cyrus Chandler Colfax - - a rough - hewn private investigator whose taste in glass runs to ice - cold bottles filled with beers . When Colfax declares they must pose as a couple , Eugenia protests in a manner as loud as his Hawaiian shirts . She fears that her secret mission will be discovered . . . while he hopes that she will be a mask for his own hidden agenda . But soon their very lives depend on making an utterely convincing couple . Because among the chic galleries of Frog Cove Island lurks a killer , and their only chance for survival is the boldest , most artful collaboration they can dare to imagine . It was good , if a little bit lackluster . An excellent comfort read ( like every JAK ) , yes , but not very exciting . A B . Very nice characters ( I especially loved how Cyrus delighted in how Eugenia liked was really strong and good at what she did ) , an otherwise interesting suspense subplot that occupied a little too much space , and a nice setting . Liked best : the bantering . That 's always one of the best parts of JAK 's books . Liked least : the villain . Too much of a moustache - twirling cliché . And that 's it , really . Not much more to say . . . FridayFive questions for this week . They are not really all applicable , but here I go . 1 . What vehicle do you drive ? I don 't have a car . I can afford to buy one ( maybe not a Ferrari , : - P but a serviceable one , yes ) , but I 've chosen not to for a couple of reasons . First , I don 't like cars . I think they are dirty things . Second , I find driving in the city stressful . I much prefer using buses . The Montevideo bus system isn 't perfect , but it covers my most usual movements perfectly . When it doesn 't , I just take a cab . I 'm lucky , I know there are places where you have to have a car if you want to move around . When I decide where I 'm going to live , what the public transportation network is like will probably have a big role in my choice . Third , money . With gas , insurance , maintenance , parking , not to mention the little features people add ( like CD players and loudspeaker ) and car club fees , just having a car ends up costing lots of money . And fourth , having a car is a responsiblility I don 't want . You have to take care of it . You hear a little noise and have to take it to the garage . You have to keep track of oil changes and that kind of things . If you leave it parked downtown you have to worry about having paid for enough parking town , and in other areas you have to worry about vandalism or it getting stolen . I really don 't need the trouble . 2 . How long have you had it ? 3 . What is the coolest feature on your vehicle ? 4 . What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle ? 5 . If money were no object , what vehicle would you be driving right now ? I tried a new - to - me author the other day , Leslie Kelly . Her book is Two to Tangle , a Harlequin Temptation . She 'd heard of brotherly love . . . Window dresser Chloe Weston doesn 't believe in lust at first sight - until she catches her boss , Troy Langtree , reveling half - naked in a rainstorm . So when she finds herself alone , on a secluded beach , with the object of her nightly fantasies , she decides to go for it . And wakes up to discover she 's had the best sex of her life - - with Troy 's twin brother ! . . . But this was ridiculous ! Trent Langtree has a fledgling business , a nosy family . . . and a bad case of the hots for sassy Chloe Weston . The gorgeous brunette is smart , spirited and sexy as hell . She 's everything he 's ever wanted in a woman . . . except she thinks he 's his brother , Troy . But Trent has plans to convince Chloe that he 's her man . After all , in the battle between the sheets , this brother always comes out on top ! I enjoyed it , it had nice things and nothing that irritated me , but also nothing all that special . Still , it was a satisfying short read : B is my grade . The book had an interesting setup . Yes , it was probably an " only in a romance novel " kind of thing , but I liked it because while it depended on coincidence , it didn 't depend on the characters acting like idiots or reasoning like no sensible person would . They reacted plausibly , and that is something that will make or break a book for me . There were a couple of contrived , less believable details , like Trent 's " signed contract " with his grandmother , but this was kept to a minimum and wasn 't a major conflict in the story . Both characters were likeable , and I enjoyed Trent 's campaign to " win " Chloe . It helped that Chloe wasn 't stupidly stubborn about it , she simply had a couple of doubts due to her family history and to the very rude shock she had received . She didn 't hold what had happened against Trent , and was very reasonable about it . Refreshing . Oh , and plus , I liked them together , they were a nice fit . I posted at AAR about the authors I 've discovered so far in 2003 . Though most of them weren 't by any means new or debut authors , I discovered a grand total of 42 new - to - me authors this year . The results varied . ( Any of these you want to know more details about : go to my index of reads to find the link to that particual book ) Some hits : Breathless , by Laura Lee Guhrke : a lovely setting , characters I liked and who grew during the book and yummy sexual tension . Sensual Secrets , by Jo Leigh : Leigh is one of the few authors who writes 20something heroines who feel right . The Shadowy Horses , by Susanna Kearsley : For some reason , this author 's writing just hits the right spot with me . I love her characters , and the way her settings feel so real . Midnight is a Lonely Place , by Barbara Erskine : This is not romance , it 's more like supernatural horror . It was chilling and fascinating . The Vagabond Knight , by Margaret Moore ( short story in the The Brides of Christmas anthology ) : I loved the hero , a guy who hid the fact that his life was tough and he was unhappy behind a façade of good humour . The story wasn 't perfect ; basically , it was too short and felt rushed , but I liked what I read enough to go looking for Moore 's backlist . The Forbidden Lord , by Sabrina Jeffries : very much a typical Regency - set historical , but the author made everything feel fresh and exciting . My Brother Michael , by Mary Stewart : A nice trip to the past . Forbidden Garden , by Tracy Fobes : A B - movie set in the 19th century , with a nice romance included . Shards of Honor , by Lois McMaster Bujold : My first sci - fi . The romance was good , too . Final Exit , by Laurie Breton : Good , very solid book . The suspense subplot was especially well done . Once a Dreamer , by Candice Hern : I just adored the hero , a real 19th century feminist . Duchess in Love , by Eloisa James : Loved the authors writing style . I was more interested in one of the secondary romances than on the protagonists , but the book was a success for me . Misses : Dangerous , by Debra Dier : TSTL heroine and a suspense subRead more . . . Earlier this week I reread As You Desire , by Connie Brockway . I had first read it years and years ago , and I hadn 't really enjoyed it much . However , lately I 've " rediscovered " Brockway , so I decided to give it another chance . He galloped across the midnight - shrouded landscape , racing toward her on his pure white steed . Her destiny . . . In her wildest fantasies Desdemona Carlisle could not have conjured a more dashing savior , and this was real . But an unlikelier hero was hard to find . Harry Braxton was a rogue , a scoundrel , and a born opportunist who had already broken her heart once . How could she ever trust a notorious rake who came with a warning : lover , beware . . . ? With her bronze - gold hair and quicksilver grace , the sloe - eyed beauty was every man 's desire and one man 's sole passion . But the secret that had made Harry an exile also made it impossible for him to offer Desdemona more that friendship . Until his aristocratic cousin laid siege to Desdemona 's heart and Harry , damning the consequences , vowed to do anything , give anything , to claim her for him own . . . It was lovely , an A - . Not my favourite Brockway , by any means , but still wonderful . First of all , I really liked the setting . This is Amelia Peabody 's Egypt , perfectly recognizable , and it was nice to see another perspective of the early days of Egyptology . I found Harry captivating . A charmer , all fun and good humour , but with hidden depths . I liked how there were almost no scenes from his POV for the first part of the book , so I formed a certain impression , and then when we got into his head I was surprised because he was much more than I imagined . I really don 't know if I 'd call him a tortured hero . I mean , he had had very big problems , but he refused to wallow in them and let them influence his present actions . It was a bit hard to understand why not being able to read was treated as such a big deal , but this is from current , " enlightened " perspective . It was interesting to see how dyslexia was seen in a different light in the past . Desdemona was also a charactRead more . . .

After reading Nora Roberts 's Night Tales # 1 , I did something I almost never do and read # 2 , Night Shadow immediately afterwards . IN A CITY RULED BY FEAR . . . . . . . . a solitary figure shrouded in black walked the night , determined to awaken a terrified metropolis from the nightmare of crime . There was nothing - - no bullets , and certainly not legal technicalities - - that could deter the man they called Nemesis from his mission . Deborah O ' Roarke , an idealistic young prosecutor waging her own war against crime , owed Nemesis her very life . She shared his passion for justice , yet she could not accept his lawless methods . Still , though she fought her unwelcome desire for this disturbing stranger , she was unable to deny her longing to share the shadows that were his home . . . . Lots of fun ! An A - . Well , I must say I 'm surprised that a romance novel with a hero who puts on a superhero costume and roams the streets fighting the forces of evil and crime worked so well ; - ) It 's especially surprising because the tone of the book wasn 't at all campy , but serious . Night Shadow felt very much like one of those superheroes comics . It 's set in a city , Urbana , which is very , very Gotham ( though the atmosphere was distinctly like the one of the city in that first Batman movie . . . ) . The hero , who is a millionaire in his regular life ( yes , well , this is Nora Roberts , you know ) , has a " superpower " ( being able to become invisible ) and moonlights as a superhero . And the heroine . of course , is the serious sort , who keeps running into our hero in both his guises and is attracted to " both " men . Gage 's superpower is pretty well explained , as plausible as these things can be . However , I had to turn down my critical faculties a little : I could understand that he became invisible , but what happens to his clothes ? ? Ah , well , I just had to ignore this and enjoy the rest of the show : - ) The romance worked very well , too . This was very much an action - driven romance , but I enjoyed it , even though I usually much prefer character - driven stories . Maybe it was just tRead more . . . I was recently talking to a friend who loves series ( as in related books ) and I was telling her about Nora Roberts . Not too surprisingly , after talking about books I 've loved , I felt the need to reread them . I started with the Night Tales series , a group of five related books with the common thread of having characters who are night people . The first one is Night Shift . IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT The calls came like clockwork - - a cold , hate - filled voice telling late - night radio announcer Cilla O ' Roarke that she was going to die . The never - ending threats had finally made her a believer . She was desperate - - desperate enough to accept police protection . Cilla preferred to keep her distance from the police , and she had her reasons . But there was something about Boyd Fletcher that made him difficult to ignore . He was strong , laconic , infuriating and clearly determined to watch over her every second of the day - - and night . And the trouble was , the more Cilla saw of her unwanted bodyguard , the more she wanted him to share the night she loved . . . . Most of it was just ok , but it had enough special moments to make it a B . The whole first part of the book was pretty lackluster . It felt like it had very little originality , like every other ( and there are quite a few ) book about a woman who has the need for police ( or bodyguard ) protection against a stalker and falls in love with the man assigned to protect her . It was very unoriginal , down to the heroine who very feistily ( I hate that word ! ) denies that she needs the hero 's help , and I had trouble keeping my attention on the book . My mind just kept wondering . Oh , and I was irritated by all the music references . I suppose they were pretty mainstream , and most Americans would recognize them , but not being American myself , I didn 't get 90 % of them and it got very tedious . But the book gradually became better , probably starting when Cilla ditched her stupid " I don 't need a bodyguard " attitude , and there were certain moments , like the first love scene which were wonderful . By the tRead more . . . Another week , another Barbara Michaels . This time : Greygallows . Not knowing the past of her charming and handsome suitor , Lucy Cartwright accepts his marriage proposal . Innocently following Baron Clare to his estate , Lucy has no idea that he is leading her into a world of betrayal and danger . Suddenly she realizes the man of her fondest dreams has become the source of her worst nightmares , and she must devise a way out * Sigh * It 's hard to grade this one . I suppose it was a good book , if I had to evaluate it objectively , but the thing is the whole injustice of the laws at the time and helplessness of the heroine made me too angry and depressed to enjoy it . I 'll have to give it a C + . I mean , it was so frustrating ! Lucy was so obviously making a huge mistake . She realized the consequences , that once she was married there was pretty much nothing she could do to get out of it if it became intolerable . She wasn 't too sure of what she was doing . And yet , she didn 't have the spine to take a stand . Maybe the thing was she was too young . And that was something else I disliked . I suppose it 's accurate , but a 17 - year - old heroine is just too young for me to relate to , at least as a supposedly " adult " character . To make things worse , there was very little of the humour I like so much in most of this author 's books here . It had the oppressive atmosphere I enjoy in gothics , but without that extra something else , it wasn 't thrilling , just awfully depressing . So far I 've had mixed results with Michaels ' historicals . Black Rainbow and Greygallows , I didn 't like , while The Master of Blacktower , Sons of the Wolf and Wings of the Falcon were good . I 'll have to see what I think of The Wizard 's Daughter , the only one I haven 't reread lately . . . Last Friday I read Secret Admirer , by Susan Napier , an old Harlequin Presents title . Running into a potential business partner late at night in a broken elevator - when one was wearing a glamorous fur with nothing on underneath - was awkward , but Grace Blair was cool enough to handle a hot situation . Her poised , controlled demeanor belied the insecurity she felt taking over her late husband 's business empire , but Scott Gregory was able with one caressing glance to strip away all her pretenses . Especially since the handsome New Zealander had made it clear from their first inauspicious meeting that in business , knowledge was power - and that he knew exactly what he wanted . Despite some early doubts , this was ultimately a B . I usually decide purchases based on reviews , but occasionally I read some intriguing tidbit in a message board post or mailing list message and buy the book . This is what happened with Secret Admirer , and by the time it got here I hadn 't the foggiest idea of why I 'd bought it . First of all , it was a Harlequin Presents , which I 've always thought of as the old - fashioned ones , with the cruel alpha males and spineless heroines . Definitely not my cup of tea . And when I started it , it seemed to be just that . The hero , Scott , behaves very much like the sterotypical alpha of old times , when I started reading romance . He acuses Grace of having a " protector " , he 's condescending and patronizing and manipulative . And Grace is just as problematic . At one point , she thinks she behaved " like a shameless hussy of the streets " . A heroine who actually says the words " shameless hussy " and not as a joke has to be a bit too old - fashioned for me ; - ) And I got really irritated by the way she lets herself be manipulated by Scott so easily . I just can 't believe someone would actually fall for the old " What , afraid of kissing me ? No ? Then prove it ! " trick ! Furthermore , I really didn 't get why she got so upset about the elevator episode . So she gets stuck in an elevator naked under a fur coat , and at one point the guy she 's Read more . . . I 've been meaning to read Born in Shame , by Nora Roberts , ever since I reread the first two novels in the trilogy earlier this year . This third and final novel in Roberts 's Irish trilogy is the story of Shannon Bodine . Shannon 's life is rocked by an emotional earthquake when she learns the identity of her real father . Obeying her late mother 's last wish , American Shannon travels to County Clare , Ireland , to meet the sisters she never knew she had . Warmed and comforted by the bond that grows between her and her sisters , her heart is lured by the charm of the Irish countryside and tempted by the attraction of horseman Murphy Muldoon . Murphy takes one look at Shannon and knows that she is the woman he 's waited for all his life . But Shannon is a practical woman . Will she open her heart and mind to the timeless , magical bond that connects them ? Or will she reject fate 's plan and leave Murphy to return to her life in America ? It was wonderful , an A - . I adored Murphy . I loved the way he took one look at Shannon and he was a gonner . That was it for him . That first scene , where Shannon thinks he 's a bit slow because all he can do is stare at her was beautiful ! Shannon could have been a tedious character , because of the way she refused to accept what was happening , but I really did understand her doubts about giving it all up for love , and I though more of her for thinking things through carefully and not letting herself be pressured by Murphy . I felt the solution they arrived at was the best way to go . Ok , yes , I 'm not usually too fond of the " fated lovers " angle . I like to see people fall in love and understand why they do , and to have the protagonists fall for each other only because it was pre - ordained in some prophecy seems to me like cheating . For some reason , it worked here . Probably because I got the feeling that these two would have fallen in love anyway , even if there hadn 't been that supernatural thing . And speaking of the touch of the supernatural , I thought it was just right for the story . Roberts has been knownRead more . . . As I said I might after reading the last book , I 've started a reread of the whole Amelia Peabody series , by Elizabeth Peters . Book number one is Crocodile on the Sandbank . Elizabeth Peters 's unforgettable heroine Amelia Peabody makes her first appearance in this clever mystery . Amelia receives a rather large inheritance and decides to use it for travel . On her way through Rome to Egypt , she meets Evelyn Barton - Forbes , a young woman abandoned by her lover and left with no means of support . Amelia promptly takes Evelyn under her wing , insisting that the young lady accompany her to Egypt , where Amelia plans to indulge her passion for Egyptology . When Evelyn becomes the target of an aborted kidnapping and the focus of a series of suspicious accidents and mysterious visitations , Amelia becomes convinced of a plot to harm her young friend . Like any self - respecting sleuth , Amelia sets out to discover who is behind it all . I loved it , it may sound clichéd , but it was visiting with old friends . An A + . Ahhh , this is were it all started . I really loved seeing the first indications of those character traits so developed in the following books . I was pleasantly surprised to see that the characters were already pretty formed here . They develop in the rest of the series , and grow , but they are still the same people they are in this first book . What can I say about Amelia and Emerson that I haven 't said a thousand times before ? What is here that isn 't in the rest of the books is them falling in love , and it was wonderful . One intense look into each other 's eyes was more erotic than a full - blown sex scene in other books ; - ) The plot was ok , but a bit too obvious . I probably remember it from when I first read this , but really , if one accepts that nothing supernatural was going on , there 's only one solution , and one very easy to guess . On to book number two , now ! Almost a Princess is my first Elizabeth Thornton book . I 've had Whisper His Name ( which seems to be a kind of prequel to this one ) in my TBR for ages . What possible connection can there be between Jane Mayberry , a beautiful , independent and articulate bluestocking and a notorious killer who has eluded British Intelligence for years ? Case Devere , the Earl of Castleton , is attached to Special Branch and is determined to find out . But Jane is embroiled in her own troubles and the last thing she needs right now is this steely - eyed , arrogant aristocrat looking over her shoulder . When she quietly disappears , Case 's worst suspicions are aroused . He goes after her . I don 't know . I liked some elements , but the book as a whole didn 't completely work for me . A B . The main problem was that the book felt a little disjointed . The main conflict seems to be catching La Roca , the killer who wants to murder Case , but there 's something else from Jane 's past which takes over most of the middle part of the book . And here 's the thing : I loved the way they dealt with this problem from Jane 's past ( trying very hard not to spoil things here ! ) . There was no stupid bowing to convention , which was very refreshing . I just wish the main conflict had been this one , and not La Roca , which means I was more than a little irritated when wham ! this problem disappears and we 're back to catching the murderer . Damn ! Eh , well . . . at least , the romance works very well , because the protagonists are lovely . Case is on the surface the very clichéd " Regency spy hero " , but the author goes deeper than most in the characterization , exploring what his past experiences did to him . As for Jane , she 's a really nice and intelligent heroine , who refuses to martyr herself to society 's conventions ( see above ) and doesn 't hesitate to protect herself . I liked their relationship , which seemed to be based on genuine affection and love . However , their very reasonableness and refusal to act like stereotypical romance characters made Jane and Case 's relationship be resolved muchRead more . . . I really liked the first Laura Lee Guhrke I read , Breathless . Not So Innocent ( Pandora 's Box and excerpt ) , sounded completely different : Victorian instead of turn - of - the - century US , has a psychic heroine . . . Still , it did sound interesting . Sophie Haversham would give anything not to have the gift of foresight . After all , her " talent " has already cost her one fiancé . And reporting a crime that hasn 't happened yet is no easy task , especially to a tough , street - wise Scotland Yard detective . Inspector Mick Dunbar doesn 't believe in visions , and he 's convinced Sophie is actually shielding a would - be murderer . Only when Sophie 's life is in danger does Mick realize he has fallen in love with this beautiful , courageous woman who can see into his very mind and heart , but will the knowledge come too late to save her ? Not quite as good as the first 50 pages promised , but still pretty nice : B . The first thing that comes to mind is that Sophie 's psychic powers were very underused . I really would have liked to see more of her powers in action , so to speak , but this part of the book is limited to a couple of little " mindreading " episodes and one vision . I guess the author succeeded in making this interesting , so much so that she has me begging for more ! ; - ) Both Sophie and Mick were likeable people , and I found them especially interesting because they weren 't the usual rake / bluestocking so many romance novels feature . I liked Mick . He was very charming , in an unpolished way , and one of the things I like best about him is that he doesn 't have that " I 'm just a policeman , she 's too good for me " trauma . He is wonderfully self - assured . The only problem I had with him was that he persisted in not trusting Sophie for a little too long . Sophie was ok , but more typical innocent , self - martyring , occasionally foolish romance heroine . The first scene , when she goes to the police and tells Mick about her vision , I wanted to shake her . Come on , you know anyone would be doubtful when you tell them about how you saw a murder in your dreams , at leRead more . . . With the Dreams Part I and Part II duet , Jayne Ann Krentz does something I hadn 't seen before in a Harlequin book , or rather , books ! These are not the usual book and sequel . Neither are complete in themselves , but they aren 't really a whole book either , because the main issues change . Part I focuses on the courting , while Part II focuses on making a marriage work and dealing with pregnancy . Meanwhile , the Chained Lady legend and the suspense subplot cover both books . Dreams Part I : History was repeating itself Diana Prentice needed a break from the power gars corporate world . She picked the charming mountain town ; Fulbrook Corners as her sanctuary , not knowing that mysterious forces had lured her to the scene of an age - old struggle . Was it the local legend of the Chained Lady and warrior that was so unsettling to her . . . or the disconcerting presence of native Colby Savagar ? Soon the sheer fierceness of his passion overwhelmed and left her in turmoil . For she knew somehow there had been another place , another time when he had taken by force what she now gave willingly . . . . Dreams Part II : They were bound by fate Pregnant ! Diana Prentice knew she should be ecstatic - bearing Colby Savagar 's child - but she wasn 't . The idea of motherhood frightened her . Almost as much as the recurring dreams that told her she needed Colby . . . dreams that beckoned her back to Fulbrook Corners and its timeless legend . Colby himself was haunted by visions of impending danger . He , too , was inexorably drawn back to his hometown . Somehow they both knew the key to their happiness lay in Chained Lady Cave , and that only when they conquered the dark forces of the past together would there be hope for their future . . . My global grade would be a B - . The first part I thought was much , much better than the second , basically because the very nice guy Colby seemed to change into a sexist prick in the second one . I 'd grade the first book B + and the second one C . I really liked the way Diana and Colby 's relationship developed in the first part . They hadRead more . . . I 'm sure I 'd read The Master of Blacktower , by Barbara Michaels once , when I bought it , but for the life of me I couldn 't remember anything about it . I didn 't even have a vague impression of whether I 'd liked it or not . . . WHAT IS THE SECRET THAT HAUNTS THE MASTER OF BLACKTOWER ? His hands were encased in black silk gloves , a lurid scar twisting the roughly hewn features of his face . His dark eyes blazed , and his mocking laughter echoed to the highest tower of the ancient Scottish estate . Damaris Gordon knew she could never work for such a cruel and bitter man - but after her father 's death , she had no choice . Her fate was in the hands of Gavin Hamilton - - a man tortured by disfigurement , disillusion . . . and dark secrets of the past . Was he responsible for his wife 's death ? Or the injury that crippled his young daughter ? Curiosity lured Damaris to the top of the tower in search of the truth . But love sent her over the edge . . . This one 's a real gothic . Not a parody of a gothic , or a modern gothic , or any other variation , but an almost textbook example of one , and I relished it . I mean , textbook if you don 't think that a gothic heroine has to be weak and TSTL , because Damaris certainly wasn 't . My grade : an A - . The strength of The Master of Blacktower is in its protagonists and its atmosphere . As I said , Damaris was a strong , intelligent heroine , with an excellent intuition about people . Gavin was a perfect gothic hero , wounded and tortured , with failings , but ultimately a good person . These two were lovely together , they definitely had a lot of chemistry . As for the atmosphere , wow ! It was what it should be in any good gothic . The isolated house in Scotland , the strange servants , Gavin 's invalid daughter , the mysterious neighbours , the suspicious story of Gavin 's wife . . . it all helped establish a very distinctive atmosphere . The only thing I wasn 't too crazy about was the ending . Oh , the final scene was actually excellent , but the ending itself was much too abrupt . I 'm not asking for a looong , syrupy epilogue , but a couple Read more . . . I 've just finished Five Kids , One Christmas , by Terese Ramin . It 's not a book I 'd nomally choose to read , but I asked a friend to lend me a book at random that wasn 't bad and she brought me this one . She said it had problems , but also a lot of original elements I might enjoy . FIVE KIDS . . . Last she knew , widowed mom Helen Brannigan had one daughter and no man in her life . Now there were seven Christmas stockings to hang , five extra settings for the table - - and one man - size dinner to make . Suddenly she was sharing her home - - and joint custody of five kids - - with a sexy widowed dad who was no more than a stranger . . . . ONE WEDDING . . . In a marriage of convenience , she 'd said " I do " to that sexy stranger . Five happy little faces had held their breaths as she 'd kissed the groom . And now Helen was holding her breath - - for her brand - new husband to love her . . . . My friend was right . I saw the exact problems she meant , but I did like reading some things about it . My grade : a C . The main problem was that the book was much too crowded . It had too many issues to give each of them the space they deserved to be fully developed . Helen 's military career , Nat 's blindness , the custody battles , the kids themselves and their problems accepting all the changes in their lives AND the love story . All this in a 250 - page book . Ramin made a good effort , for the first 150 pages , more or less , but in the last 100 pages I thought she lost control of the plot threads by adding a kidnapping and the visit of a weird relative , too , which further crowded the book . I wouldn 't have minded the crowd so much if the romance hadn 't been shortchanged , but it all but disappeared in that last part , and the book became a chore to read . Until then , she 'd succeeded in showing excellent chemistry between Nat and Helen , but she blew it . It was an interesting book at times , yes , but ultimately not a success for me . Of course , I might have been influenced by the fact that being dropped into a ready - made family with 5 kids is my idea of hell ; - ) I 've just finished The Grey Beginning , by Barbara MichaelsHoping that a trip to her late husband 's childhood home will help her come to terms with his recent death , Kathy Malone travels to the rolling hills of Tuscany . But there , instead of solace , Kathy finds a lonely boy named Pietro , uncanny hints about her late husband , and the stately Contessa Morandini , whose chilly reception warms only when she mistakenly assumes Kathy is pregnant with the next heir of the Morandini line . Despite - - or perhaps because of - - the Contessa 's efforts to keep Kathy and Pietro apart , Kathy befriends the young boy . Their games lead her through the villa 's maze of dark hallways , where she begins to discover hints of a startling truth . As the pieces of a sinister and murderous plan fall into place , Kathy realizes she has stumbled onto a dangerous obsession . . . one that was meant to stay hidden forever . Enjoyable , a B . Very modern gothic . The atmosphere was perfect : the isolated villa near Firenze , the hostile servants , the tragic little kid . But this is Barbara Michaels , so all thisoppressiveness was tempered with touches of humour , like Pietro 's preocupation with American football . It worked perfectly . I loved that it took me a long time to be sure of what exactly was happening , though I had some ideas almost from the first . The important thing was that Kathy was perfectly justified in not realizing what was going on ; too often the heroine in a gothic comes across as stupid for not noticing things . Not her . The what exactly was going on was a bit jarring and not completely believable , so this wasn 't perfect . Other than that , an excellent example of the genre . I 'm apparently on a romance mini - break . The next book I read was I 'm a Stranger Here Myself , by one of my favourite authors , Bill Bryson . After living in Britain for two decades , Bill Bryson recently moved back to the United States with his English wife and four children ( he had read somewhere that nearly 3 million Americans believed they had been abducted by aliens - - as he later put it , " it was clear my people needed me " ) . They were greeted by a new and improved America that boasts microwave pancakes , twenty - four - hour dental - floss hotlines , and the staunch conviction that ice is not a luxury item . I 'm a Stranger Here Myself is a compilation of 70 newspaper columns the author wrote between 1996 and 1998 , shortly after moving back from the UK to the US . Each essay is about 4 pages long , so when I started it my intention was to make it last , to read a couple of essays every now and then . I finished it in 2 days . I was completely unable to stop reading . I 'd finish an essay and think " I 'll stop here " , but then I 'd glance at the first paragraph of the following column and get hooked . . . " Ok , one more . . . " This guy is a genius . This book was laugh out loud funny . Really . I 'm not talking about reading something and smiling and thinking " this is really funny " . I 'm talking about actually laughing until I felt tears running down my cheeks . My family thought I was crazy . Grade : A - . The only reason this didn 't get a perfect grade was a little repetitiveness with a certain joke , which was funny the first time but less so the fourth time . Still , it was only a couple of columns too many , so it never got to be more than a mild irritant . This weekend I reread a Nora Roberts book of which I had practically no recollections : True Betrayals . Kelsey Byden always believed that her mother was dead . But now , after all this time , she has discovered the truth : Naomi Chadwick is still alive - after spending years in prison for the murder of her lover . Now , at Naomi 's Virginia horse farm , Kelsey is trying to sort out a lifetime of deception - and her feelings about her mother . The bonds of love can be fragile … as Kelsey learned from her recently ended marriage . But as the two women rebuild their relationship - and Kelsey finds herself swept into an unsettling new romance - she must decide once and for all who she can trust , and who threatens to betray her … It was a B - . This one read more like women 's fiction than romance . Actually , in the first half , the romance part of the book is very , very slight . The book concentrates on Kelsey getting used to the work at the farm and coming to grips with her mother 's presence . Gabe is just a presence , someone who wants Kelsey and who 's wanted right back by her . It 's only in the second half that their romance comes to life , and even then the love scenes are strangely undetailed and cut short , as if Nora had been trying to go more mainstream . I liked these two as a couple , but I never did get completely invested in their relationsip . The setting , in the world of horse racing ( is this the right expression ? ) was interesting , but unfortunately I didn 't really enjoy the suspense subplot which was a large part of the book , and intimately related to the setting . Really , every time we saw Cunningham and Rich Slater I just wished they 'd go away , and there was a lot about them . Also , the ending wasn 't at all satisfying . I hate it when a book ends and I feel justice hasn 't been served . I guess I 'm not much of a " forgive and forget " kind of person . That person , who was ultimately responsible for the deaths of people and for someone spending 10 years in jail , shouldn 't have got away scot - free . And Naomi didn 't have the right to decidRead more . . . I finally finished Night Fire , by Catherine Coulter , which I 'd abandoned last month . Here is the post I wrote at the time . My final grade for it was a D . Some parts were nice , even sweet , but what bothered me the most was the contrast between a hero who was apparently a nice person , etc , and the guy who 'd think that since Arielle wasn 't responding to her courting , he was perfectly justified in kidnapping her and tricking her into marriage , and that that was " for her own good " , because he was going to make her love him . That is , what bothered me the most was not exactly what he did , but the fact that he saw nothing wrong in doing it . I 'd be able to deal with a hero who knows he 's being a bastard in kidnapping the heroine and not respecting her desires , but he 's not able to help himself ( and he has to grovel , of course ; - ) . I 'm able to deal with this if the author shows that this behaviour is wrong . Not only about kidnapping , I can deal with whatever behaviour ( see Gaffney 's To Have and To Hold , for instance ) , but if , and only if , the author doesn 't seem to be saying , " Oh , men know best . She , being a woman , didn 't know what was good for her " . Here it 's not like that . Coulter seems to see nothing wrong in Burke 's reasoning , and that 's what turned me off . I 'm not even going to go into the idiotic suspense subplot and the boring , inane heroine . The hero alone is enough for a D grade . I 've been waiting since February to read The Golden One , by Elizabeth Peters , book number 14 in the Amelia Peabody series . A richly woven tale of romance , treachery , intrigue , and murder in a breathtaking realm of ancient wonders and crumbling splendor . A new year , 1917 , is dawning , and the Great War that ravages the world shows no sign of abating . In these perilous times , archaeologist Amelia Peabody and her extended family must confront shocking dangers . But it is son Ramses who faces the most dire threat , answering a call that will carry him to the fabled seaport of Gaza on a mission as personal as it is perilous - - where death will be the certain consequence of exposure . While far away , Ramses 's beautiful wife , Nefret , guards a secret of her own . . . I enjoyed it , though the pacing and structure were a bit problematic . A B + . My main problem with Lord of the Silent is that halfway through , the book undergoes a personality change . We were having a nice mystery , with hidden tombs and grave robbers and all the elements that made me love this series , when wham ! the book turns into a spy story . Shit , I thought we 'd left that behing after He Shall Thunder in the Sky , but apparently not . Don 't get me wrong , I loved Thunder , but the abrupt change didn 't feel right . It 's as if Peters didn 't know if she wanted the mystery or the spy story , so she decided to have both , one after the other . And then , the final almost 100 pages were completely bereft of suspense . The spy plot is over , the villain in the tomb - robbing mystery is dead , and the Emersons just go about their business in their excavation ( with very amusing distractions ) . I must guiltily confess that I actually loved reading this . The danger had finished , so all I had left to read was the resolution of the " archeological " part of the book , find the secret tomb , etc . , simply because what has me coming back to this series again and again are the characters and their interactions , not their adventures in themselves . After all the excitement of the first parts , the slow pRead more . . . Question from FridayFive this week . 1 . Do you watch sports ? If so , which ones ? Football ( the kind called soccer in the US ) . That 's practically all I use my TV for , that and the news . My favourite league is the English Premier League ( no games this weekend , boo - hoo ! ) , and I follow that obsessively . Also , of course , the Uruguayan league , though watching it after watching some games from the EPL makes me depressed . . . it looks like we play a different game ! ! I also like the Italian league , and the Spanish , and the Argentinian , everything . And then there are the regional competitions , like the Libertadores , the Copa Sudamericana , the Champions League . . . And the best is the World Cup . I spent a month waking up at 3 . 00 AM every day last year , because I refused to miss even one game . The best is actually going to the games . The Centenario , where my team plays ( also known as the stadium where the first World Cup final was played ) , is about 10 minutes from my house , so I go practically every weekend . I do like some other sports . I like watching tennis and golf , and sometimes basketball . 2 . What / who are your favorite sports teams and / or favorite athletes ? My football team is Nacional , one of the two big teams in Uruguay . It 's a family tradition , from my mom 's side of the family . My grandfather was club president once , and my grandma used to go to the stadium for every single game . The other day it was pouring and freezing cold , and Nacional was playing an away game at a stadium that 's reputed to be pretty dangerous , so I stayed home and watched it on TV . My mom 's comment : " You 're not going to the Nacional game ? Your grandma would have gone ! " . Grandma died when I was 3 , I wish I 'd been able to go to games with her . My favourite athletes are all football players . The guy who was my absolute favourite disappointed me earlier this year with a very unprofessional attitude ; I 'd even named my cat O ' Neill after him . I tried to change his name and called him something else , but I gave up the effort when the poor thing started looking Read more . . . After the last couple of Blaze books that I 've read , I was almost afraid to try Cathy Yardley 's Guilty Pleasures . Mari Salazar has to get her act together - otherwise her backstreet restaurant will quickly become a been - there , done - that kind of thing . She risked everything to create her place , Guilty Pleasures , and she 's willing to risk everything all over again just to save it . She doesn 't have a plan , but she does have . . . Nick Avery is a supersexy chef looking for a second chance . His once - four - star reputation is now no - star , thanks to a longtime rival . When Nick shows up on Mari 's doorstep she knows it means trouble , and not just for her restaurant , either ! Soon she 's not only sampling his delectable dishes , she 's sampling the chef himself . Together they cook up a sinful menu that garners many new patrons , but when opportunity knocks on Nick 's door , with high - class offers , he must decide , as will Mari , what and who they truly desire . . . This was better . A B - . The main thing I liked about this book was the food angle , though I have to say that the type of cooking in JAK 's books usually sounds more tempting to me than the one here ; - ) Still , this was a fascinating glance into the world of high - class cooking , with its contests , its rules and its cutthroat rivalries . The romance was a bit more ho - hum . I didn 't get all that emotionally involved in it , even though I liked both characters . I must say I liked the ending , which dealt realistically with the issues of sacrificing one 's ambitions for love . I 'm glad that even though I intensely disliked the previous Anne Stuarts I 've read ( Blue Sage and Moonrise ) , I nevertheless decided to give her another chance and read Lord of Danger . Half - sister to Richard the Fair , Alys has been schooled in the sheltered ways of the convent , far from the treachery and intrigue of castle life . Until she is taken from the cloister and brought to a place filled with secrets . Here she is to meet her future husband , a man some call monster . He is Simon of Navarre , a powerful and mysterious lord practiced in the black arts . This sensual stranger both terrifies and fascinates her . . . and sets her heart burning with an unfamiliar fire . Jaded by war , no longer able to believe in human goodness , Simon has turned to the realm of darkness . But the master magician finds himself bewitched by the innocent Alys , who fears his very touch could damn her forever . . . yet even as Simon begins to work his seductive magic , Alys senses the wounded soul beneath the coolly elegant facade . Now , as the two became pawns in Richard 's treacherous scheme to become England 's king , only one power can save them : the unstoppable force of love . Such a difference from those other two books ! The little things that I 'd liked about them , what made me think " this could have been good " were excellent here , and what had bothered me had been toned down . A B + . I really liked that the focus of the book was mostly on the love story . The political intrigue set up the situation and provided the final conflict , but it didn 't take over the story with tiresome manouvering . The characters : just wonderful . Simon was a very dark , tortured hero . He was like James ( from Moonrise ) in that , only he had a sense of humor , a great deal of charm , a sense of honour and a troublesome conscience . . . in short , he was nothing like James ; - ) All jokes aside , he was a fascinating character , a guy who 's cultivated his own legend to get power , who delights in scaring people and who likes to think that he has lost his soul and has no conscience , only to havRead more . . . I 'm trying to make them last , but this weekend I succumbed to temptation and read Green Fire , byJayne Anne Krentz ( written as Stephanie James ) . Flint Cottrell had been driven all his life by a restlessness that didn 't allow any peace . He chased legends and treasures , wrote about them , sold his stories to magazines when he could , did odd jobs when he couldn 't . But the night Rani Garroway opened her door , he knew he 'd found that elusive " something " he 'd been searching for . Rani stared at the handsome , thoroughly rain - soaked stranger , who looked like a battle - scarred alley cat demanding shelter . As his exotic green eyes locked with hers , she realized that he could set her safe , risk - free life on fire - - green fire - - and the flames were already licking at her heart . A nice read , one with several elements from The Adventurer . It had several problems , but I 'd still give it a B . " . . . looked like a battle - scarred alley cat demanding shelter " . I love that description . From that phrase alone on the back cover , I would have bought the book even if it hadn 't been a JAK . It signaled that I was going to get something I always enjoy in a JAK book , a hero who really needs the heroine . And I did . Flint had a desperate sense that Rani was what he 'd been looking for all his life , and that 's simply something that touches a chord with me . Unfortunately , about half - way through the dynamics of the situation were abruptly reversed . Rani was hesitant , until then , not really wanting to get involved , but suddenly she 's madly in love and telling Flint that . And he , who 'd been ready to make a permanent commitment , keeps quiet . It made absolutely no sense , and it was very obviously done only to generate some conflict . The obligatory suspense subplot was completely extraneous , and I saw it coming a mile away , only because I knew the book had to have some gun - wielding villain . Since there just weren 't all that many characters , it was also obvious who the villain had to be . Still , I enjoyed this , in spite of the problems I found . This weekend I read Whose Body ? , by Dorothy L . Sayers . The stark naked body was lying in the tub . Not unusual for a proper bath , but highly irregular for murder - - especially witha pair of gold pince - nez deliberately perched before the sightless eyes . What 's more , the face appeared to have been shaved after death . The police assumed that the victim was a prominent financier , but Lord Peter Wimsey , who dabbled in mystery detection as a hobby , knew better . In this , his first murder case , Lord Peter untangles the ghastly mystery of the corpse in the bath . It was very good , a B . From the info I 've been able to gather , this one 's the first Lord Peter Wimsey mystery . I 'd read some of them in high school , from my school library , so earlier this year I decided to read the full list , in order . Whose Body ? had an interesting mystery , but one that wasn 't particularly difficult to guess . There weren 't all that many suspects , and it was even pretty obvious what had happened . Intrincate , yes ; interesting , that too , but suspensful it wasn 't . What made this book good was the writing and the characters , especially Lord Peter . such a fascinating character ! So fatuous on the outside , but all those little clues as to his past in the war . I 'm looking forward to reading more about him . This book was written in 1923 , and many things felt terribly alien , most especially the way Jews were alluded to . I don 't know if I 'd describe it as anti - Semitism , exactly , since there wasn 't any hostility expressed from the characters who were supposed to be sympathetic , and the one Jewish character was portrayed as a very nice man . What there was was a lot of mentions to the fact that someone was Jewish , or about how Jews were a certain way . Things that didn 't necessarily express the author 's opinion , but which didn 't have any bearing on the plot either . I suppose they might be simply a faithful representation of how many people were at the time , but it still made me uncomfortable . Sharp Edges is the last of the Jayne Ann Krentz books I had that I hadn 't reread . Eugenia Swift is a young woman of singular sensibilities , and a connoisseur of beauty . As the director of the Leafbrook Glass Museum , she 's been asked to travel to Frog Cove Island - - an artistic haven near Seattle - - to catalog an important collection of art glass . But thanks to unsavory rumors surrounding the collector 's death , the museum insists that Eugenia take along Cyrus Chandler Colfax - - a rough - hewn private investigator whose taste in glass runs to ice - cold bottles filled with beers . When Colfax declares they must pose as a couple , Eugenia protests in a manner as loud as his Hawaiian shirts . She fears that her secret mission will be discovered . . . while he hopes that she will be a mask for his own hidden agenda . But soon their very lives depend on making an utterely convincing couple . Because among the chic galleries of Frog Cove Island lurks a killer , and their only chance for survival is the boldest , most artful collaboration they can dare to imagine . It was good , if a little bit lackluster . An excellent comfort read ( like every JAK ) , yes , but not very exciting . A B . Very nice characters ( I especially loved how Cyrus delighted in how Eugenia liked was really strong and good at what she did ) , an otherwise interesting suspense subplot that occupied a little too much space , and a nice setting . Liked best : the bantering . That 's always one of the best parts of JAK 's books . Liked least : the villain . Too much of a moustache - twirling cliché . And that 's it , really . Not much more to say . . . FridayFive questions for this week . They are not really all applicable , but here I go . 1 . What vehicle do you drive ? I don 't have a car . I can afford to buy one ( maybe not a Ferrari , : - P but a serviceable one , yes ) , but I 've chosen not to for a couple of reasons . First , I don 't like cars . I think they are dirty things . Second , I find driving in the city stressful . I much prefer using buses . The Montevideo bus system isn 't perfect , but it covers my most usual movements perfectly . When it doesn 't , I just take a cab . I 'm lucky , I know there are places where you have to have a car if you want to move around . When I decide where I 'm going to live , what the public transportation network is like will probably have a big role in my choice . Third , money . With gas , insurance , maintenance , parking , not to mention the little features people add ( like CD players and loudspeaker ) and car club fees , just having a car ends up costing lots of money . And fourth , having a car is a responsiblility I don 't want . You have to take care of it . You hear a little noise and have to take it to the garage . You have to keep track of oil changes and that kind of things . If you leave it parked downtown you have to worry about having paid for enough parking town , and in other areas you have to worry about vandalism or it getting stolen . I really don 't need the trouble . 2 . How long have you had it ? 3 . What is the coolest feature on your vehicle ? 4 . What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle ? 5 . If money were no object , what vehicle would you be driving right now ? I tried a new - to - me author the other day , Leslie Kelly . Her book is Two to Tangle , a Harlequin Temptation . She 'd heard of brotherly love . . . Window dresser Chloe Weston doesn 't believe in lust at first sight - until she catches her boss , Troy Langtree , reveling half - naked in a rainstorm . So when she finds herself alone , on a secluded beach , with the object of her nightly fantasies , she decides to go for it . And wakes up to discover she 's had the best sex of her life - - with Troy 's twin brother ! . . . But this was ridiculous ! Trent Langtree has a fledgling business , a nosy family . . . and a bad case of the hots for sassy Chloe Weston . The gorgeous brunette is smart , spirited and sexy as hell . She 's everything he 's ever wanted in a woman . . . except she thinks he 's his brother , Troy . But Trent has plans to convince Chloe that he 's her man . After all , in the battle between the sheets , this brother always comes out on top ! I enjoyed it , it had nice things and nothing that irritated me , but also nothing all that special . Still , it was a satisfying short read : B is my grade . The book had an interesting setup . Yes , it was probably an " only in a romance novel " kind of thing , but I liked it because while it depended on coincidence , it didn 't depend on the characters acting like idiots or reasoning like no sensible person would . They reacted plausibly , and that is something that will make or break a book for me . There were a couple of contrived , less believable details , like Trent 's " signed contract " with his grandmother , but this was kept to a minimum and wasn 't a major conflict in the story . Both characters were likeable , and I enjoyed Trent 's campaign to " win " Chloe . It helped that Chloe wasn 't stupidly stubborn about it , she simply had a couple of doubts due to her family history and to the very rude shock she had received . She didn 't hold what had happened against Trent , and was very reasonable about it . Refreshing . Oh , and plus , I liked them together , they were a nice fit . I posted at AAR about the authors I 've discovered so far in 2003 . Though most of them weren 't by any means new or debut authors , I discovered a grand total of 42 new - to - me authors this year . The results varied . ( Any of these you want to know more details about : go to my index of reads to find the link to that particual book ) Some hits : Breathless , by Laura Lee Guhrke : a lovely setting , characters I liked and who grew during the book and yummy sexual tension . Sensual Secrets , by Jo Leigh : Leigh is one of the few authors who writes 20something heroines who feel right . The Shadowy Horses , by Susanna Kearsley : For some reason , this author 's writing just hits the right spot with me . I love her characters , and the way her settings feel so real . Midnight is a Lonely Place , by Barbara Erskine : This is not romance , it 's more like supernatural horror . It was chilling and fascinating . The Vagabond Knight , by Margaret Moore ( short story in the The Brides of Christmas anthology ) : I loved the hero , a guy who hid the fact that his life was tough and he was unhappy behind a façade of good humour . The story wasn 't perfect ; basically , it was too short and felt rushed , but I liked what I read enough to go looking for Moore 's backlist . The Forbidden Lord , by Sabrina Jeffries : very much a typical Regency - set historical , but the author made everything feel fresh and exciting . My Brother Michael , by Mary Stewart : A nice trip to the past . Forbidden Garden , by Tracy Fobes : A B - movie set in the 19th century , with a nice romance included . Shards of Honor , by Lois McMaster Bujold : My first sci - fi . The romance was good , too . Final Exit , by Laurie Breton : Good , very solid book . The suspense subplot was especially well done . Once a Dreamer , by Candice Hern : I just adored the hero , a real 19th century feminist . Duchess in Love , by Eloisa James : Loved the authors writing style . I was more interested in one of the secondary romances than on the protagonists , but the book was a success for me . Misses : Dangerous , by Debra Dier : TSTL heroine and a suspense subRead more . . . Earlier this week I reread As You Desire , by Connie Brockway . I had first read it years and years ago , and I hadn 't really enjoyed it much . However , lately I 've " rediscovered " Brockway , so I decided to give it another chance . He galloped across the midnight - shrouded landscape , racing toward her on his pure white steed . Her destiny . . . In her wildest fantasies Desdemona Carlisle could not have conjured a more dashing savior , and this was real . But an unlikelier hero was hard to find . Harry Braxton was a rogue , a scoundrel , and a born opportunist who had already broken her heart once . How could she ever trust a notorious rake who came with a warning : lover , beware . . . ? With her bronze - gold hair and quicksilver grace , the sloe - eyed beauty was every man 's desire and one man 's sole passion . But the secret that had made Harry an exile also made it impossible for him to offer Desdemona more that friendship . Until his aristocratic cousin laid siege to Desdemona 's heart and Harry , damning the consequences , vowed to do anything , give anything , to claim her for him own . . . It was lovely , an A - . Not my favourite Brockway , by any means , but still wonderful . First of all , I really liked the setting . This is Amelia Peabody 's Egypt , perfectly recognizable , and it was nice to see another perspective of the early days of Egyptology . I found Harry captivating . A charmer , all fun and good humour , but with hidden depths . I liked how there were almost no scenes from his POV for the first part of the book , so I formed a certain impression , and then when we got into his head I was surprised because he was much more than I imagined . I really don 't know if I 'd call him a tortured hero . I mean , he had had very big problems , but he refused to wallow in them and let them influence his present actions . It was a bit hard to understand why not being able to read was treated as such a big deal , but this is from current , " enlightened " perspective . It was interesting to see how dyslexia was seen in a different light in the past . Desdemona was also a charactRead more . . .

After reading Nora Roberts 's Night Tales # 1 , I did something I almost never do and read # 2 , Night Shadow immediately afterwards . IN A CITY RULED BY FEAR . . . . . . . . a solitary figure shrouded in black walked the night , determined to awaken a terrified metropolis from the nightmare of crime . There was nothing - - no bullets , and certainly not legal technicalities - - that could deter the man they called Nemesis from his mission . Deborah O ' Roarke , an idealistic young prosecutor waging her own war against crime , owed Nemesis her very life . She shared his passion for justice , yet she could not accept his lawless methods . Still , though she fought her unwelcome desire for this disturbing stranger , she was unable to deny her longing to share the shadows that were his home . . . . Lots of fun ! An A - . Well , I must say I 'm surprised that a romance novel with a hero who puts on a superhero costume and roams the streets fighting the forces of evil and crime worked so well ; - ) It 's especially surprising because the tone of the book wasn 't at all campy , but serious . Night Shadow felt very much like one of those superheroes comics . It 's set in a city , Urbana , which is very , very Gotham ( though the atmosphere was distinctly like the one of the city in that first Batman movie . . . ) . The hero , who is a millionaire in his regular life ( yes , well , this is Nora Roberts , you know ) , has a " superpower " ( being able to become invisible ) and moonlights as a superhero . And the heroine . of course , is the serious sort , who keeps running into our hero in both his guises and is attracted to " both " men . Gage 's superpower is pretty well explained , as plausible as these things can be . However , I had to turn down my critical faculties a little : I could understand that he became invisible , but what happens to his clothes ? ? Ah , well , I just had to ignore this and enjoy the rest of the show : - ) The romance worked very well , too . This was very much an action - driven romance , but I enjoyed it , even though I usually much prefer character - driven stories . Maybe it was just tRead more . . . I was recently talking to a friend who loves series ( as in related books ) and I was telling her about Nora Roberts . Not too surprisingly , after talking about books I 've loved , I felt the need to reread them . I started with the Night Tales series , a group of five related books with the common thread of having characters who are night people . The first one is Night Shift . IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT The calls came like clockwork - - a cold , hate - filled voice telling late - night radio announcer Cilla O ' Roarke that she was going to die . The never - ending threats had finally made her a believer . She was desperate - - desperate enough to accept police protection . Cilla preferred to keep her distance from the police , and she had her reasons . But there was something about Boyd Fletcher that made him difficult to ignore . He was strong , laconic , infuriating and clearly determined to watch over her every second of the day - - and night . And the trouble was , the more Cilla saw of her unwanted bodyguard , the more she wanted him to share the night she loved . . . . Most of it was just ok , but it had enough special moments to make it a B . The whole first part of the book was pretty lackluster . It felt like it had very little originality , like every other ( and there are quite a few ) book about a woman who has the need for police ( or bodyguard ) protection against a stalker and falls in love with the man assigned to protect her . It was very unoriginal , down to the heroine who very feistily ( I hate that word ! ) denies that she needs the hero 's help , and I had trouble keeping my attention on the book . My mind just kept wondering . Oh , and I was irritated by all the music references . I suppose they were pretty mainstream , and most Americans would recognize them , but not being American myself , I didn 't get 90 % of them and it got very tedious . But the book gradually became better , probably starting when Cilla ditched her stupid " I don 't need a bodyguard " attitude , and there were certain moments , like the first love scene which were wonderful . By the tRead more . . . Another week , another Barbara Michaels . This time : Greygallows . Not knowing the past of her charming and handsome suitor , Lucy Cartwright accepts his marriage proposal . Innocently following Baron Clare to his estate , Lucy has no idea that he is leading her into a world of betrayal and danger . Suddenly she realizes the man of her fondest dreams has become the source of her worst nightmares , and she must devise a way out * Sigh * It 's hard to grade this one . I suppose it was a good book , if I had to evaluate it objectively , but the thing is the whole injustice of the laws at the time and helplessness of the heroine made me too angry and depressed to enjoy it . I 'll have to give it a C + . I mean , it was so frustrating ! Lucy was so obviously making a huge mistake . She realized the consequences , that once she was married there was pretty much nothing she could do to get out of it if it became intolerable . She wasn 't too sure of what she was doing . And yet , she didn 't have the spine to take a stand . Maybe the thing was she was too young . And that was something else I disliked . I suppose it 's accurate , but a 17 - year - old heroine is just too young for me to relate to , at least as a supposedly " adult " character . To make things worse , there was very little of the humour I like so much in most of this author 's books here . It had the oppressive atmosphere I enjoy in gothics , but without that extra something else , it wasn 't thrilling , just awfully depressing . So far I 've had mixed results with Michaels ' historicals . Black Rainbow and Greygallows , I didn 't like , while The Master of Blacktower , Sons of the Wolf and Wings of the Falcon were good . I 'll have to see what I think of The Wizard 's Daughter , the only one I haven 't reread lately . . . Last Friday I read Secret Admirer , by Susan Napier , an old Harlequin Presents title . Running into a potential business partner late at night in a broken elevator - when one was wearing a glamorous fur with nothing on underneath - was awkward , but Grace Blair was cool enough to handle a hot situation . Her poised , controlled demeanor belied the insecurity she felt taking over her late husband 's business empire , but Scott Gregory was able with one caressing glance to strip away all her pretenses . Especially since the handsome New Zealander had made it clear from their first inauspicious meeting that in business , knowledge was power - and that he knew exactly what he wanted . Despite some early doubts , this was ultimately a B . I usually decide purchases based on reviews , but occasionally I read some intriguing tidbit in a message board post or mailing list message and buy the book . This is what happened with Secret Admirer , and by the time it got here I hadn 't the foggiest idea of why I 'd bought it . First of all , it was a Harlequin Presents , which I 've always thought of as the old - fashioned ones , with the cruel alpha males and spineless heroines . Definitely not my cup of tea . And when I started it , it seemed to be just that . The hero , Scott , behaves very much like the sterotypical alpha of old times , when I started reading romance . He acuses Grace of having a " protector " , he 's condescending and patronizing and manipulative . And Grace is just as problematic . At one point , she thinks she behaved " like a shameless hussy of the streets " . A heroine who actually says the words " shameless hussy " and not as a joke has to be a bit too old - fashioned for me ; - ) And I got really irritated by the way she lets herself be manipulated by Scott so easily . I just can 't believe someone would actually fall for the old " What , afraid of kissing me ? No ? Then prove it ! " trick ! Furthermore , I really didn 't get why she got so upset about the elevator episode . So she gets stuck in an elevator naked under a fur coat , and at one point the guy she 's Read more . . . I 've been meaning to read Born in Shame , by Nora Roberts , ever since I reread the first two novels in the trilogy earlier this year . This third and final novel in Roberts 's Irish trilogy is the story of Shannon Bodine . Shannon 's life is rocked by an emotional earthquake when she learns the identity of her real father . Obeying her late mother 's last wish , American Shannon travels to County Clare , Ireland , to meet the sisters she never knew she had . Warmed and comforted by the bond that grows between her and her sisters , her heart is lured by the charm of the Irish countryside and tempted by the attraction of horseman Murphy Muldoon . Murphy takes one look at Shannon and knows that she is the woman he 's waited for all his life . But Shannon is a practical woman . Will she open her heart and mind to the timeless , magical bond that connects them ? Or will she reject fate 's plan and leave Murphy to return to her life in America ? It was wonderful , an A - . I adored Murphy . I loved the way he took one look at Shannon and he was a gonner . That was it for him . That first scene , where Shannon thinks he 's a bit slow because all he can do is stare at her was beautiful ! Shannon could have been a tedious character , because of the way she refused to accept what was happening , but I really did understand her doubts about giving it all up for love , and I though more of her for thinking things through carefully and not letting herself be pressured by Murphy . I felt the solution they arrived at was the best way to go . Ok , yes , I 'm not usually too fond of the " fated lovers " angle . I like to see people fall in love and understand why they do , and to have the protagonists fall for each other only because it was pre - ordained in some prophecy seems to me like cheating . For some reason , it worked here . Probably because I got the feeling that these two would have fallen in love anyway , even if there hadn 't been that supernatural thing . And speaking of the touch of the supernatural , I thought it was just right for the story . Roberts has been knownRead more . . . As I said I might after reading the last book , I 've started a reread of the whole Amelia Peabody series , by Elizabeth Peters . Book number one is Crocodile on the Sandbank . Elizabeth Peters 's unforgettable heroine Amelia Peabody makes her first appearance in this clever mystery . Amelia receives a rather large inheritance and decides to use it for travel . On her way through Rome to Egypt , she meets Evelyn Barton - Forbes , a young woman abandoned by her lover and left with no means of support . Amelia promptly takes Evelyn under her wing , insisting that the young lady accompany her to Egypt , where Amelia plans to indulge her passion for Egyptology . When Evelyn becomes the target of an aborted kidnapping and the focus of a series of suspicious accidents and mysterious visitations , Amelia becomes convinced of a plot to harm her young friend . Like any self - respecting sleuth , Amelia sets out to discover who is behind it all . I loved it , it may sound clichéd , but it was visiting with old friends . An A + . Ahhh , this is were it all started . I really loved seeing the first indications of those character traits so developed in the following books . I was pleasantly surprised to see that the characters were already pretty formed here . They develop in the rest of the series , and grow , but they are still the same people they are in this first book . What can I say about Amelia and Emerson that I haven 't said a thousand times before ? What is here that isn 't in the rest of the books is them falling in love , and it was wonderful . One intense look into each other 's eyes was more erotic than a full - blown sex scene in other books ; - ) The plot was ok , but a bit too obvious . I probably remember it from when I first read this , but really , if one accepts that nothing supernatural was going on , there 's only one solution , and one very easy to guess . On to book number two , now ! Almost a Princess is my first Elizabeth Thornton book . I 've had Whisper His Name ( which seems to be a kind of prequel to this one ) in my TBR for ages . What possible connection can there be between Jane Mayberry , a beautiful , independent and articulate bluestocking and a notorious killer who has eluded British Intelligence for years ? Case Devere , the Earl of Castleton , is attached to Special Branch and is determined to find out . But Jane is embroiled in her own troubles and the last thing she needs right now is this steely - eyed , arrogant aristocrat looking over her shoulder . When she quietly disappears , Case 's worst suspicions are aroused . He goes after her . I don 't know . I liked some elements , but the book as a whole didn 't completely work for me . A B . The main problem was that the book felt a little disjointed . The main conflict seems to be catching La Roca , the killer who wants to murder Case , but there 's something else from Jane 's past which takes over most of the middle part of the book . And here 's the thing : I loved the way they dealt with this problem from Jane 's past ( trying very hard not to spoil things here ! ) . There was no stupid bowing to convention , which was very refreshing . I just wish the main conflict had been this one , and not La Roca , which means I was more than a little irritated when wham ! this problem disappears and we 're back to catching the murderer . Damn ! Eh , well . . . at least , the romance works very well , because the protagonists are lovely . Case is on the surface the very clichéd " Regency spy hero " , but the author goes deeper than most in the characterization , exploring what his past experiences did to him . As for Jane , she 's a really nice and intelligent heroine , who refuses to martyr herself to society 's conventions ( see above ) and doesn 't hesitate to protect herself . I liked their relationship , which seemed to be based on genuine affection and love . However , their very reasonableness and refusal to act like stereotypical romance characters made Jane and Case 's relationship be resolved muchRead more . . . I really liked the first Laura Lee Guhrke I read , Breathless . Not So Innocent ( Pandora 's Box and excerpt ) , sounded completely different : Victorian instead of turn - of - the - century US , has a psychic heroine . . . Still , it did sound interesting . Sophie Haversham would give anything not to have the gift of foresight . After all , her " talent " has already cost her one fiancé . And reporting a crime that hasn 't happened yet is no easy task , especially to a tough , street - wise Scotland Yard detective . Inspector Mick Dunbar doesn 't believe in visions , and he 's convinced Sophie is actually shielding a would - be murderer . Only when Sophie 's life is in danger does Mick realize he has fallen in love with this beautiful , courageous woman who can see into his very mind and heart , but will the knowledge come too late to save her ? Not quite as good as the first 50 pages promised , but still pretty nice : B . The first thing that comes to mind is that Sophie 's psychic powers were very underused . I really would have liked to see more of her powers in action , so to speak , but this part of the book is limited to a couple of little " mindreading " episodes and one vision . I guess the author succeeded in making this interesting , so much so that she has me begging for more ! ; - ) Both Sophie and Mick were likeable people , and I found them especially interesting because they weren 't the usual rake / bluestocking so many romance novels feature . I liked Mick . He was very charming , in an unpolished way , and one of the things I like best about him is that he doesn 't have that " I 'm just a policeman , she 's too good for me " trauma . He is wonderfully self - assured . The only problem I had with him was that he persisted in not trusting Sophie for a little too long . Sophie was ok , but more typical innocent , self - martyring , occasionally foolish romance heroine . The first scene , when she goes to the police and tells Mick about her vision , I wanted to shake her . Come on , you know anyone would be doubtful when you tell them about how you saw a murder in your dreams , at leRead more . . . With the Dreams Part I and Part II duet , Jayne Ann Krentz does something I hadn 't seen before in a Harlequin book , or rather , books ! These are not the usual book and sequel . Neither are complete in themselves , but they aren 't really a whole book either , because the main issues change . Part I focuses on the courting , while Part II focuses on making a marriage work and dealing with pregnancy . Meanwhile , the Chained Lady legend and the suspense subplot cover both books . Dreams Part I : History was repeating itself Diana Prentice needed a break from the power gars corporate world . She picked the charming mountain town ; Fulbrook Corners as her sanctuary , not knowing that mysterious forces had lured her to the scene of an age - old struggle . Was it the local legend of the Chained Lady and warrior that was so unsettling to her . . . or the disconcerting presence of native Colby Savagar ? Soon the sheer fierceness of his passion overwhelmed and left her in turmoil . For she knew somehow there had been another place , another time when he had taken by force what she now gave willingly . . . . Dreams Part II : They were bound by fate Pregnant ! Diana Prentice knew she should be ecstatic - bearing Colby Savagar 's child - but she wasn 't . The idea of motherhood frightened her . Almost as much as the recurring dreams that told her she needed Colby . . . dreams that beckoned her back to Fulbrook Corners and its timeless legend . Colby himself was haunted by visions of impending danger . He , too , was inexorably drawn back to his hometown . Somehow they both knew the key to their happiness lay in Chained Lady Cave , and that only when they conquered the dark forces of the past together would there be hope for their future . . . My global grade would be a B - . The first part I thought was much , much better than the second , basically because the very nice guy Colby seemed to change into a sexist prick in the second one . I 'd grade the first book B + and the second one C . I really liked the way Diana and Colby 's relationship developed in the first part . They hadRead more . . . I 'm sure I 'd read The Master of Blacktower , by Barbara Michaels once , when I bought it , but for the life of me I couldn 't remember anything about it . I didn 't even have a vague impression of whether I 'd liked it or not . . . WHAT IS THE SECRET THAT HAUNTS THE MASTER OF BLACKTOWER ? His hands were encased in black silk gloves , a lurid scar twisting the roughly hewn features of his face . His dark eyes blazed , and his mocking laughter echoed to the highest tower of the ancient Scottish estate . Damaris Gordon knew she could never work for such a cruel and bitter man - but after her father 's death , she had no choice . Her fate was in the hands of Gavin Hamilton - - a man tortured by disfigurement , disillusion . . . and dark secrets of the past . Was he responsible for his wife 's death ? Or the injury that crippled his young daughter ? Curiosity lured Damaris to the top of the tower in search of the truth . But love sent her over the edge . . . This one 's a real gothic . Not a parody of a gothic , or a modern gothic , or any other variation , but an almost textbook example of one , and I relished it . I mean , textbook if you don 't think that a gothic heroine has to be weak and TSTL , because Damaris certainly wasn 't . My grade : an A - . The strength of The Master of Blacktower is in its protagonists and its atmosphere . As I said , Damaris was a strong , intelligent heroine , with an excellent intuition about people . Gavin was a perfect gothic hero , wounded and tortured , with failings , but ultimately a good person . These two were lovely together , they definitely had a lot of chemistry . As for the atmosphere , wow ! It was what it should be in any good gothic . The isolated house in Scotland , the strange servants , Gavin 's invalid daughter , the mysterious neighbours , the suspicious story of Gavin 's wife . . . it all helped establish a very distinctive atmosphere . The only thing I wasn 't too crazy about was the ending . Oh , the final scene was actually excellent , but the ending itself was much too abrupt . I 'm not asking for a looong , syrupy epilogue , but a couple Read more . . . I 've just finished Five Kids , One Christmas , by Terese Ramin . It 's not a book I 'd nomally choose to read , but I asked a friend to lend me a book at random that wasn 't bad and she brought me this one . She said it had problems , but also a lot of original elements I might enjoy . FIVE KIDS . . . Last she knew , widowed mom Helen Brannigan had one daughter and no man in her life . Now there were seven Christmas stockings to hang , five extra settings for the table - - and one man - size dinner to make . Suddenly she was sharing her home - - and joint custody of five kids - - with a sexy widowed dad who was no more than a stranger . . . . ONE WEDDING . . . In a marriage of convenience , she 'd said " I do " to that sexy stranger . Five happy little faces had held their breaths as she 'd kissed the groom . And now Helen was holding her breath - - for her brand - new husband to love her . . . . My friend was right . I saw the exact problems she meant , but I did like reading some things about it . My grade : a C . The main problem was that the book was much too crowded . It had too many issues to give each of them the space they deserved to be fully developed . Helen 's military career , Nat 's blindness , the custody battles , the kids themselves and their problems accepting all the changes in their lives AND the love story . All this in a 250 - page book . Ramin made a good effort , for the first 150 pages , more or less , but in the last 100 pages I thought she lost control of the plot threads by adding a kidnapping and the visit of a weird relative , too , which further crowded the book . I wouldn 't have minded the crowd so much if the romance hadn 't been shortchanged , but it all but disappeared in that last part , and the book became a chore to read . Until then , she 'd succeeded in showing excellent chemistry between Nat and Helen , but she blew it . It was an interesting book at times , yes , but ultimately not a success for me . Of course , I might have been influenced by the fact that being dropped into a ready - made family with 5 kids is my idea of hell ; - ) I 've just finished The Grey Beginning , by Barbara MichaelsHoping that a trip to her late husband 's childhood home will help her come to terms with his recent death , Kathy Malone travels to the rolling hills of Tuscany . But there , instead of solace , Kathy finds a lonely boy named Pietro , uncanny hints about her late husband , and the stately Contessa Morandini , whose chilly reception warms only when she mistakenly assumes Kathy is pregnant with the next heir of the Morandini line . Despite - - or perhaps because of - - the Contessa 's efforts to keep Kathy and Pietro apart , Kathy befriends the young boy . Their games lead her through the villa 's maze of dark hallways , where she begins to discover hints of a startling truth . As the pieces of a sinister and murderous plan fall into place , Kathy realizes she has stumbled onto a dangerous obsession . . . one that was meant to stay hidden forever . Enjoyable , a B . Very modern gothic . The atmosphere was perfect : the isolated villa near Firenze , the hostile servants , the tragic little kid . But this is Barbara Michaels , so all thisoppressiveness was tempered with touches of humour , like Pietro 's preocupation with American football . It worked perfectly . I loved that it took me a long time to be sure of what exactly was happening , though I had some ideas almost from the first . The important thing was that Kathy was perfectly justified in not realizing what was going on ; too often the heroine in a gothic comes across as stupid for not noticing things . Not her . The what exactly was going on was a bit jarring and not completely believable , so this wasn 't perfect . Other than that , an excellent example of the genre . I 'm apparently on a romance mini - break . The next book I read was I 'm a Stranger Here Myself , by one of my favourite authors , Bill Bryson . After living in Britain for two decades , Bill Bryson recently moved back to the United States with his English wife and four children ( he had read somewhere that nearly 3 million Americans believed they had been abducted by aliens - - as he later put it , " it was clear my people needed me " ) . They were greeted by a new and improved America that boasts microwave pancakes , twenty - four - hour dental - floss hotlines , and the staunch conviction that ice is not a luxury item . I 'm a Stranger Here Myself is a compilation of 70 newspaper columns the author wrote between 1996 and 1998 , shortly after moving back from the UK to the US . Each essay is about 4 pages long , so when I started it my intention was to make it last , to read a couple of essays every now and then . I finished it in 2 days . I was completely unable to stop reading . I 'd finish an essay and think " I 'll stop here " , but then I 'd glance at the first paragraph of the following column and get hooked . . . " Ok , one more . . . " This guy is a genius . This book was laugh out loud funny . Really . I 'm not talking about reading something and smiling and thinking " this is really funny " . I 'm talking about actually laughing until I felt tears running down my cheeks . My family thought I was crazy . Grade : A - . The only reason this didn 't get a perfect grade was a little repetitiveness with a certain joke , which was funny the first time but less so the fourth time . Still , it was only a couple of columns too many , so it never got to be more than a mild irritant . This weekend I reread a Nora Roberts book of which I had practically no recollections : True Betrayals . Kelsey Byden always believed that her mother was dead . But now , after all this time , she has discovered the truth : Naomi Chadwick is still alive - after spending years in prison for the murder of her lover . Now , at Naomi 's Virginia horse farm , Kelsey is trying to sort out a lifetime of deception - and her feelings about her mother . The bonds of love can be fragile … as Kelsey learned from her recently ended marriage . But as the two women rebuild their relationship - and Kelsey finds herself swept into an unsettling new romance - she must decide once and for all who she can trust , and who threatens to betray her … It was a B - . This one read more like women 's fiction than romance . Actually , in the first half , the romance part of the book is very , very slight . The book concentrates on Kelsey getting used to the work at the farm and coming to grips with her mother 's presence . Gabe is just a presence , someone who wants Kelsey and who 's wanted right back by her . It 's only in the second half that their romance comes to life , and even then the love scenes are strangely undetailed and cut short , as if Nora had been trying to go more mainstream . I liked these two as a couple , but I never did get completely invested in their relationsip . The setting , in the world of horse racing ( is this the right expression ? ) was interesting , but unfortunately I didn 't really enjoy the suspense subplot which was a large part of the book , and intimately related to the setting . Really , every time we saw Cunningham and Rich Slater I just wished they 'd go away , and there was a lot about them . Also , the ending wasn 't at all satisfying . I hate it when a book ends and I feel justice hasn 't been served . I guess I 'm not much of a " forgive and forget " kind of person . That person , who was ultimately responsible for the deaths of people and for someone spending 10 years in jail , shouldn 't have got away scot - free . And Naomi didn 't have the right to decidRead more . . . I finally finished Night Fire , by Catherine Coulter , which I 'd abandoned last month . Here is the post I wrote at the time . My final grade for it was a D . Some parts were nice , even sweet , but what bothered me the most was the contrast between a hero who was apparently a nice person , etc , and the guy who 'd think that since Arielle wasn 't responding to her courting , he was perfectly justified in kidnapping her and tricking her into marriage , and that that was " for her own good " , because he was going to make her love him . That is , what bothered me the most was not exactly what he did , but the fact that he saw nothing wrong in doing it . I 'd be able to deal with a hero who knows he 's being a bastard in kidnapping the heroine and not respecting her desires , but he 's not able to help himself ( and he has to grovel , of course ; - ) . I 'm able to deal with this if the author shows that this behaviour is wrong . Not only about kidnapping , I can deal with whatever behaviour ( see Gaffney 's To Have and To Hold , for instance ) , but if , and only if , the author doesn 't seem to be saying , " Oh , men know best . She , being a woman , didn 't know what was good for her " . Here it 's not like that . Coulter seems to see nothing wrong in Burke 's reasoning , and that 's what turned me off . I 'm not even going to go into the idiotic suspense subplot and the boring , inane heroine . The hero alone is enough for a D grade . I 've been waiting since February to read The Golden One , by Elizabeth Peters , book number 14 in the Amelia Peabody series . A richly woven tale of romance , treachery , intrigue , and murder in a breathtaking realm of ancient wonders and crumbling splendor . A new year , 1917 , is dawning , and the Great War that ravages the world shows no sign of abating . In these perilous times , archaeologist Amelia Peabody and her extended family must confront shocking dangers . But it is son Ramses who faces the most dire threat , answering a call that will carry him to the fabled seaport of Gaza on a mission as personal as it is perilous - - where death will be the certain consequence of exposure . While far away , Ramses 's beautiful wife , Nefret , guards a secret of her own . . . I enjoyed it , though the pacing and structure were a bit problematic . A B + . My main problem with Lord of the Silent is that halfway through , the book undergoes a personality change . We were having a nice mystery , with hidden tombs and grave robbers and all the elements that made me love this series , when wham ! the book turns into a spy story . Shit , I thought we 'd left that behing after He Shall Thunder in the Sky , but apparently not . Don 't get me wrong , I loved Thunder , but the abrupt change didn 't feel right . It 's as if Peters didn 't know if she wanted the mystery or the spy story , so she decided to have both , one after the other . And then , the final almost 100 pages were completely bereft of suspense . The spy plot is over , the villain in the tomb - robbing mystery is dead , and the Emersons just go about their business in their excavation ( with very amusing distractions ) . I must guiltily confess that I actually loved reading this . The danger had finished , so all I had left to read was the resolution of the " archeological " part of the book , find the secret tomb , etc . , simply because what has me coming back to this series again and again are the characters and their interactions , not their adventures in themselves . After all the excitement of the first parts , the slow pRead more . . . Question from FridayFive this week . 1 . Do you watch sports ? If so , which ones ? Football ( the kind called soccer in the US ) . That 's practically all I use my TV for , that and the news . My favourite league is the English Premier League ( no games this weekend , boo - hoo ! ) , and I follow that obsessively . Also , of course , the Uruguayan league , though watching it after watching some games from the EPL makes me depressed . . . it looks like we play a different game ! ! I also like the Italian league , and the Spanish , and the Argentinian , everything . And then there are the regional competitions , like the Libertadores , the Copa Sudamericana , the Champions League . . . And the best is the World Cup . I spent a month waking up at 3 . 00 AM every day last year , because I refused to miss even one game . The best is actually going to the games . The Centenario , where my team plays ( also known as the stadium where the first World Cup final was played ) , is about 10 minutes from my house , so I go practically every weekend . I do like some other sports . I like watching tennis and golf , and sometimes basketball . 2 . What / who are your favorite sports teams and / or favorite athletes ? My football team is Nacional , one of the two big teams in Uruguay . It 's a family tradition , from my mom 's side of the family . My grandfather was club president once , and my grandma used to go to the stadium for every single game . The other day it was pouring and freezing cold , and Nacional was playing an away game at a stadium that 's reputed to be pretty dangerous , so I stayed home and watched it on TV . My mom 's comment : " You 're not going to the Nacional game ? Your grandma would have gone ! " . Grandma died when I was 3 , I wish I 'd been able to go to games with her . My favourite athletes are all football players . The guy who was my absolute favourite disappointed me earlier this year with a very unprofessional attitude ; I 'd even named my cat O ' Neill after him . I tried to change his name and called him something else , but I gave up the effort when the poor thing started looking Read more . . . After the last couple of Blaze books that I 've read , I was almost afraid to try Cathy Yardley 's Guilty Pleasures . Mari Salazar has to get her act together - otherwise her backstreet restaurant will quickly become a been - there , done - that kind of thing . She risked everything to create her place , Guilty Pleasures , and she 's willing to risk everything all over again just to save it . She doesn 't have a plan , but she does have . . . Nick Avery is a supersexy chef looking for a second chance . His once - four - star reputation is now no - star , thanks to a longtime rival . When Nick shows up on Mari 's doorstep she knows it means trouble , and not just for her restaurant , either ! Soon she 's not only sampling his delectable dishes , she 's sampling the chef himself . Together they cook up a sinful menu that garners many new patrons , but when opportunity knocks on Nick 's door , with high - class offers , he must decide , as will Mari , what and who they truly desire . . . This was better . A B - . The main thing I liked about this book was the food angle , though I have to say that the type of cooking in JAK 's books usually sounds more tempting to me than the one here ; - ) Still , this was a fascinating glance into the world of high - class cooking , with its contests , its rules and its cutthroat rivalries . The romance was a bit more ho - hum . I didn 't get all that emotionally involved in it , even though I liked both characters . I must say I liked the ending , which dealt realistically with the issues of sacrificing one 's ambitions for love . I 'm glad that even though I intensely disliked the previous Anne Stuarts I 've read ( Blue Sage and Moonrise ) , I nevertheless decided to give her another chance and read Lord of Danger . Half - sister to Richard the Fair , Alys has been schooled in the sheltered ways of the convent , far from the treachery and intrigue of castle life . Until she is taken from the cloister and brought to a place filled with secrets . Here she is to meet her future husband , a man some call monster . He is Simon of Navarre , a powerful and mysterious lord practiced in the black arts . This sensual stranger both terrifies and fascinates her . . . and sets her heart burning with an unfamiliar fire . Jaded by war , no longer able to believe in human goodness , Simon has turned to the realm of darkness . But the master magician finds himself bewitched by the innocent Alys , who fears his very touch could damn her forever . . . yet even as Simon begins to work his seductive magic , Alys senses the wounded soul beneath the coolly elegant facade . Now , as the two became pawns in Richard 's treacherous scheme to become England 's king , only one power can save them : the unstoppable force of love . Such a difference from those other two books ! The little things that I 'd liked about them , what made me think " this could have been good " were excellent here , and what had bothered me had been toned down . A B + . I really liked that the focus of the book was mostly on the love story . The political intrigue set up the situation and provided the final conflict , but it didn 't take over the story with tiresome manouvering . The characters : just wonderful . Simon was a very dark , tortured hero . He was like James ( from Moonrise ) in that , only he had a sense of humor , a great deal of charm , a sense of honour and a troublesome conscience . . . in short , he was nothing like James ; - ) All jokes aside , he was a fascinating character , a guy who 's cultivated his own legend to get power , who delights in scaring people and who likes to think that he has lost his soul and has no conscience , only to havRead more . . . I 'm trying to make them last , but this weekend I succumbed to temptation and read Green Fire , byJayne Anne Krentz ( written as Stephanie James ) . Flint Cottrell had been driven all his life by a restlessness that didn 't allow any peace . He chased legends and treasures , wrote about them , sold his stories to magazines when he could , did odd jobs when he couldn 't . But the night Rani Garroway opened her door , he knew he 'd found that elusive " something " he 'd been searching for . Rani stared at the handsome , thoroughly rain - soaked stranger , who looked like a battle - scarred alley cat demanding shelter . As his exotic green eyes locked with hers , she realized that he could set her safe , risk - free life on fire - - green fire - - and the flames were already licking at her heart . A nice read , one with several elements from The Adventurer . It had several problems , but I 'd still give it a B . " . . . looked like a battle - scarred alley cat demanding shelter " . I love that description . From that phrase alone on the back cover , I would have bought the book even if it hadn 't been a JAK . It signaled that I was going to get something I always enjoy in a JAK book , a hero who really needs the heroine . And I did . Flint had a desperate sense that Rani was what he 'd been looking for all his life , and that 's simply something that touches a chord with me . Unfortunately , about half - way through the dynamics of the situation were abruptly reversed . Rani was hesitant , until then , not really wanting to get involved , but suddenly she 's madly in love and telling Flint that . And he , who 'd been ready to make a permanent commitment , keeps quiet . It made absolutely no sense , and it was very obviously done only to generate some conflict . The obligatory suspense subplot was completely extraneous , and I saw it coming a mile away , only because I knew the book had to have some gun - wielding villain . Since there just weren 't all that many characters , it was also obvious who the villain had to be . Still , I enjoyed this , in spite of the problems I found . This weekend I read Whose Body ? , by Dorothy L . Sayers . The stark naked body was lying in the tub . Not unusual for a proper bath , but highly irregular for murder - - especially witha pair of gold pince - nez deliberately perched before the sightless eyes . What 's more , the face appeared to have been shaved after death . The police assumed that the victim was a prominent financier , but Lord Peter Wimsey , who dabbled in mystery detection as a hobby , knew better . In this , his first murder case , Lord Peter untangles the ghastly mystery of the corpse in the bath . It was very good , a B . From the info I 've been able to gather , this one 's the first Lord Peter Wimsey mystery . I 'd read some of them in high school , from my school library , so earlier this year I decided to read the full list , in order . Whose Body ? had an interesting mystery , but one that wasn 't particularly difficult to guess . There weren 't all that many suspects , and it was even pretty obvious what had happened . Intrincate , yes ; interesting , that too , but suspensful it wasn 't . What made this book good was the writing and the characters , especially Lord Peter . such a fascinating character ! So fatuous on the outside , but all those little clues as to his past in the war . I 'm looking forward to reading more about him . This book was written in 1923 , and many things felt terribly alien , most especially the way Jews were alluded to . I don 't know if I 'd describe it as anti - Semitism , exactly , since there wasn 't any hostility expressed from the characters who were supposed to be sympathetic , and the one Jewish character was portrayed as a very nice man . What there was was a lot of mentions to the fact that someone was Jewish , or about how Jews were a certain way . Things that didn 't necessarily express the author 's opinion , but which didn 't have any bearing on the plot either . I suppose they might be simply a faithful representation of how many people were at the time , but it still made me uncomfortable . Sharp Edges is the last of the Jayne Ann Krentz books I had that I hadn 't reread . Eugenia Swift is a young woman of singular sensibilities , and a connoisseur of beauty . As the director of the Leafbrook Glass Museum , she 's been asked to travel to Frog Cove Island - - an artistic haven near Seattle - - to catalog an important collection of art glass . But thanks to unsavory rumors surrounding the collector 's death , the museum insists that Eugenia take along Cyrus Chandler Colfax - - a rough - hewn private investigator whose taste in glass runs to ice - cold bottles filled with beers . When Colfax declares they must pose as a couple , Eugenia protests in a manner as loud as his Hawaiian shirts . She fears that her secret mission will be discovered . . . while he hopes that she will be a mask for his own hidden agenda . But soon their very lives depend on making an utterely convincing couple . Because among the chic galleries of Frog Cove Island lurks a killer , and their only chance for survival is the boldest , most artful collaboration they can dare to imagine . It was good , if a little bit lackluster . An excellent comfort read ( like every JAK ) , yes , but not very exciting . A B . Very nice characters ( I especially loved how Cyrus delighted in how Eugenia liked was really strong and good at what she did ) , an otherwise interesting suspense subplot that occupied a little too much space , and a nice setting . Liked best : the bantering . That 's always one of the best parts of JAK 's books . Liked least : the villain . Too much of a moustache - twirling cliché . And that 's it , really . Not much more to say . . . FridayFive questions for this week . They are not really all applicable , but here I go . 1 . What vehicle do you drive ? I don 't have a car . I can afford to buy one ( maybe not a Ferrari , : - P but a serviceable one , yes ) , but I 've chosen not to for a couple of reasons . First , I don 't like cars . I think they are dirty things . Second , I find driving in the city stressful . I much prefer using buses . The Montevideo bus system isn 't perfect , but it covers my most usual movements perfectly . When it doesn 't , I just take a cab . I 'm lucky , I know there are places where you have to have a car if you want to move around . When I decide where I 'm going to live , what the public transportation network is like will probably have a big role in my choice . Third , money . With gas , insurance , maintenance , parking , not to mention the little features people add ( like CD players and loudspeaker ) and car club fees , just having a car ends up costing lots of money . And fourth , having a car is a responsiblility I don 't want . You have to take care of it . You hear a little noise and have to take it to the garage . You have to keep track of oil changes and that kind of things . If you leave it parked downtown you have to worry about having paid for enough parking town , and in other areas you have to worry about vandalism or it getting stolen . I really don 't need the trouble . 2 . How long have you had it ? 3 . What is the coolest feature on your vehicle ? 4 . What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle ? 5 . If money were no object , what vehicle would you be driving right now ? I tried a new - to - me author the other day , Leslie Kelly . Her book is Two to Tangle , a Harlequin Temptation . She 'd heard of brotherly love . . . Window dresser Chloe Weston doesn 't believe in lust at first sight - until she catches her boss , Troy Langtree , reveling half - naked in a rainstorm . So when she finds herself alone , on a secluded beach , with the object of her nightly fantasies , she decides to go for it . And wakes up to discover she 's had the best sex of her life - - with Troy 's twin brother ! . . . But this was ridiculous ! Trent Langtree has a fledgling business , a nosy family . . . and a bad case of the hots for sassy Chloe Weston . The gorgeous brunette is smart , spirited and sexy as hell . She 's everything he 's ever wanted in a woman . . . except she thinks he 's his brother , Troy . But Trent has plans to convince Chloe that he 's her man . After all , in the battle between the sheets , this brother always comes out on top ! I enjoyed it , it had nice things and nothing that irritated me , but also nothing all that special . Still , it was a satisfying short read : B is my grade . The book had an interesting setup . Yes , it was probably an " only in a romance novel " kind of thing , but I liked it because while it depended on coincidence , it didn 't depend on the characters acting like idiots or reasoning like no sensible person would . They reacted plausibly , and that is something that will make or break a book for me . There were a couple of contrived , less believable details , like Trent 's " signed contract " with his grandmother , but this was kept to a minimum and wasn 't a major conflict in the story . Both characters were likeable , and I enjoyed Trent 's campaign to " win " Chloe . It helped that Chloe wasn 't stupidly stubborn about it , she simply had a couple of doubts due to her family history and to the very rude shock she had received . She didn 't hold what had happened against Trent , and was very reasonable about it . Refreshing . Oh , and plus , I liked them together , they were a nice fit . I posted at AAR about the authors I 've discovered so far in 2003 . Though most of them weren 't by any means new or debut authors , I discovered a grand total of 42 new - to - me authors this year . The results varied . ( Any of these you want to know more details about : go to my index of reads to find the link to that particual book ) Some hits : Breathless , by Laura Lee Guhrke : a lovely setting , characters I liked and who grew during the book and yummy sexual tension . Sensual Secrets , by Jo Leigh : Leigh is one of the few authors who writes 20something heroines who feel right . The Shadowy Horses , by Susanna Kearsley : For some reason , this author 's writing just hits the right spot with me . I love her characters , and the way her settings feel so real . Midnight is a Lonely Place , by Barbara Erskine : This is not romance , it 's more like supernatural horror . It was chilling and fascinating . The Vagabond Knight , by Margaret Moore ( short story in the The Brides of Christmas anthology ) : I loved the hero , a guy who hid the fact that his life was tough and he was unhappy behind a façade of good humour . The story wasn 't perfect ; basically , it was too short and felt rushed , but I liked what I read enough to go looking for Moore 's backlist . The Forbidden Lord , by Sabrina Jeffries : very much a typical Regency - set historical , but the author made everything feel fresh and exciting . My Brother Michael , by Mary Stewart : A nice trip to the past . Forbidden Garden , by Tracy Fobes : A B - movie set in the 19th century , with a nice romance included . Shards of Honor , by Lois McMaster Bujold : My first sci - fi . The romance was good , too . Final Exit , by Laurie Breton : Good , very solid book . The suspense subplot was especially well done . Once a Dreamer , by Candice Hern : I just adored the hero , a real 19th century feminist . Duchess in Love , by Eloisa James : Loved the authors writing style . I was more interested in one of the secondary romances than on the protagonists , but the book was a success for me . Misses : Dangerous , by Debra Dier : TSTL heroine and a suspense subRead more . . . Earlier this week I reread As You Desire , by Connie Brockway . I had first read it years and years ago , and I hadn 't really enjoyed it much . However , lately I 've " rediscovered " Brockway , so I decided to give it another chance . He galloped across the midnight - shrouded landscape , racing toward her on his pure white steed . Her destiny . . . In her wildest fantasies Desdemona Carlisle could not have conjured a more dashing savior , and this was real . But an unlikelier hero was hard to find . Harry Braxton was a rogue , a scoundrel , and a born opportunist who had already broken her heart once . How could she ever trust a notorious rake who came with a warning : lover , beware . . . ? With her bronze - gold hair and quicksilver grace , the sloe - eyed beauty was every man 's desire and one man 's sole passion . But the secret that had made Harry an exile also made it impossible for him to offer Desdemona more that friendship . Until his aristocratic cousin laid siege to Desdemona 's heart and Harry , damning the consequences , vowed to do anything , give anything , to claim her for him own . . . It was lovely , an A - . Not my favourite Brockway , by any means , but still wonderful . First of all , I really liked the setting . This is Amelia Peabody 's Egypt , perfectly recognizable , and it was nice to see another perspective of the early days of Egyptology . I found Harry captivating . A charmer , all fun and good humour , but with hidden depths . I liked how there were almost no scenes from his POV for the first part of the book , so I formed a certain impression , and then when we got into his head I was surprised because he was much more than I imagined . I really don 't know if I 'd call him a tortured hero . I mean , he had had very big problems , but he refused to wallow in them and let them influence his present actions . It was a bit hard to understand why not being able to read was treated as such a big deal , but this is from current , " enlightened " perspective . It was interesting to see how dyslexia was seen in a different light in the past . Desdemona was also a charactRead more . . .

In a dream world , we could travel or go on vacation and have absolutely nothing go wrong . Nothing . No missing baggages , no unexpectedly awful hotel experiences ; everything would happen on time and just as planned . If you 've traveled a lot though , you 'd probably laugh at the thought . A trip where your expectations and hopes are met ? ! Crazy talk ! It is an unfortunate reality that something is bound to go wrong , but you don 't have to let that spoil your trip . You certainly don 't have to lower your expectations so low that you 're just miserable . There are things you can do to prevent things from going wrong , and if something does go wrong , there are ways to mitigate the damage too . When we traveled in our pre - minimalist days , we took way too many things and this caused us innumerable headaches . In one instance , we had two checked suitcases packed to the brim on our way home from China and neither of them were at baggage claim waiting for us . Not only did we waste a lot of time trying to get a hold of someone to help us locate our bags and eventually file a lost baggage claim , but we also suffered the stress and emotional consequences of being too attached to things . Thankfully , we got a knock on our door at three - freaking - a . m . by a kind airport employee with our recovered luggage . We got lucky , admittedly . Baggage is lost all the time at airports . Trying to keep track of hundreds if not thousands of bags is tough , and so losses are bound to happen sometimes . This experience really made us re - examine our priorities and packing style . Headaches from taking too much can happen from more than just baggage claim though ; you inevitably lose things in the hotel , transporting those bags to and from the airport and your hotel is a pain and they only wind up being an unnecessary source of stress . It 's unnecessary because the majority of what people pack with them are all unnecessary items . You just don 't need so many things . On our most recent trip , we managed to pack everything we needed - clothes , extra shoes , a laptop and a minimal amount of toiletries into one backpack . That was the least we 've ever taken , and honestly the freedom it gave us was invaluable - freedom from worry , freedom to be more mobile , freedom to be flexible with our plans , so on and so forth . We 've all had problems arise from situations out of our control like traffic on the way to the airport or an activity running long . Part of our study - abroad in China included our weekends being carefully planned , minute - by - minute and so not only were we not free to enjoy and spend extra time on things we found enjoyable or interesting , like exploring the gorgeous Summer Palace , but if one of us in the group took too long we would be literally sprinting to the bus and , lacking good judgment , the bus driver would drive recklessly to get us to the next location on time . He always got us there , somehow alive . Customs and definitions of terms vary from place to place so it 's important to not hold other countries to our cultural norms and standards . For example , we were told the dorm we 'd be staying at in China was new , very modern and swanky . And it was . Except that we didn 't have hot water past 7 : 00 a . m . ( for reference , our classes didn 't begin until 9 : 00 a . m . ) , we were given a washing machine to do laundry but no dryer and furthermore we could never have guessed that we 'd be awoken at 5 : 00 a . m . by actual gongs to wake up construction workers building more dorms near ours . I 'm not saying you should expect the worst or for everything to go horribly wrong - but you should be careful about what you do expect . Your accommodations may be amazing - just not all day . Don 't expect it to be perfect , don 't expect it to be terrible , and don 't let it ruin your trip . Along with being careful of what you expect , you can be guaranteed that unexpected things will happen . You can mitigate some of it by being proactive with things like being a minimalist traveler as noted above , but you can 't plan for every possible scenario . Sometimes , there 's simply nothing you can do either . Getting sick on trips to new countries is almost a guaranteed " unexpected " thing to happen . It wasn 't until our third week in Seoul that I got hit with some kind of illness . I hadn 't eaten in a day and Adam insisted I try to eat something . I felt awful that my sickness was ruining not just my trip - but his too - and so I suggested we tried Chicken Lady 's * since it was a restaurant we had been past many times and he was very eager to try it . I composed myself as best as I could and we walked a few blocks over to Chicken Lady 's and took our seat . I strained myself to read the only - Korean menu and we ordered . As the food cooked on the table - top grill I could feel myself getting dizzier and dizzier , and my stomach turning increasingly more . I suddenly told Adam that I had to leave . Now . I was optimistic that I could make it back to our room , only a couple blocks away , but I couldn 't even make it to the street corner , where I did the unthinkable . I threw up in the street . When I looked back , Adam and the great Chicken Lady herself had seen it all . Sick and ashamed I stumbled back to the restaurant and sat back down with Adam at our table . Chicken Lady disappeared into the kitchen and came back with bottles of 7 - Up and patted my back . She said a bunch of things in Korean so quickly I could have never hoped to understand any of it with how poor my Korean was at the time . One thing did translate though - her kindness . She took care of us for the rest of our brief time there and as we left I asked Adam to tip . We knew that Korea doesn 't really do tips - but I wanted to give them something extra since she gave us sodas and things for free and showed us more care and kindness than I could have ever expected ( and have yet to experience again ) and because I was way too embarrassed to ever go there again . So I wanted to sort of pre - pay for a meal that I would theoretically have eaten in the future . She didn 't accept our extra money , and chased us down to give us our change . Without being able to speak Korean well enough at the time to explain ( and being way too scatterbrained to even try ) our gratitude and what we were attempting to do , we just had to let it go . We went back to our room and just stayed there for the rest of the day until I was better , then promptly resumed our adventure . I 'm not saying you should expect something horrible like throwing up in the middle of the road , but you also never know when you 'll stumble upon something ( or someone ) incredible either . Expect mis - communications , that you may get sick , to get lost and to have to make compromises . Savor the great moments , accept the bad and move on . Rather than complain about the gongs and cold water , we took the opportunity to go ahead and get up early . We 'd sit on the rooftop of the dorm and watch the absolutely gorgeous sunrises over the East China Sea . Learning to be mindful will help you to see through the bad events that happen and make them less bad , if not good . Take it slow , do things deliberately , whole - ass one thing - these are just a few ways you can practice mindfulness . Make a habit of being mindful well before you travel . On the road is no place to try to pick up new habits or virtues . It 's not easy to change your habits - as they say nothing worth doing is easy - but begin working on it now . Don 't eat in a hurry or in front of the television but rather eat intentionally . Pay attention to every bite you take , to the flavors of the dish . Get into the habit of stopping when a situation or thing becomes stressful and take a breath - go for a quick walk if you must - this pause will help you refocus and to think more calmly . When you are stressed and distracted is the worst time to be making important decisions . Verne 's novel was published in 1873 and in 1888 brave young journalist Nellie Bly pressured her editors to let her test the book 's basis . She was known for her audacity and willingness to put her life on the line to uncover a story - most notably when she faked being insane so she could bring to light the horrors of the Women 's Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell Island . It took her a year to convince her editor , but eventually she was allowed to go . She was 25 years old . The day she left for her journey the paper she worked for published an article announcing the trip . An editor for a competing paper saw the article on his way into work . Once there he called into his office the timid Elizabeth Bisland , who at the time was only 28 years old , and told her to go pack her things and be on the 6 : 00 p . m . train to San Francisco . She was instructed to beat Nellie Bly . Before we tell you their story , let me first give you a bit of a background about these two women so you know what kind of people they were . Nellie Bly , born Elizabeth Jane Cochran , came from a humble family . Her father was a laborer who after years of hard work was able to buy the local mill and most of the land surrounding their home . His lesson of never giving up would stick with Bly for the rest of her life . Through watching her mother 's struggles Bly learned that as a woman she couldn 't depend on anyone else - she had to be self - sufficient and strong . Which is why when a misogynistic article was published in the Pittsburgh Dispatch arguing that a woman belonged at home and at home alone , she was understandably upset and wrote a scathing rebuttal under a pseudonym . The editor of the paper liked the article so much he asked her to join the paper . Though he rescinded his offer once he learned that Bly was a female , she persuaded him to hire her anyway . It was a much better job than the work she was doing at the time being a maid . It was common for female journalists to take on a pen name rather than use their real name , and Elizabeth chose Nellie Bly . Female reporters were a rarity at the time and for the few that were they weren 't allowed to write for anything other than the arts and gossip pages of the newspapers , but Bly was different . She refused - she was audacious and willing to risk her own personal safety to expose evils and mistreatment where ever she found it . Frustrated with the Dispatch for refusing to let her , she eventually talked her way into being a reporter at Joseph Pulitzer 's paper , the New York World . Her first story : pretend to be insane in order to be admitted to the Women 's Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell Island and investigate reports of patient abuse . These were the kinds of stories she loved most . The Battle of Fort Bisland was fought on the estate Elizabeth Bisland was born on however the family fled during the war , relocating to a home her father had inherited . Using torn and burnt copies of Cervantes and Shakespeare she had found in her grandfather 's estate , Bisland taught herself first to read . Later , she taught herself French so she could read Rousseau 's Confessions in the original French text . Bly 's style was unrefined and coarse , while Bisland was more elegant and refined . Bly was also more adventurous and scrappy while Bisland was more interested in books and conversation . The only things they had in common were rough upbringings , an interest in writing and that both women would publish detailed accounts of the trip afterward . In 1888 after having exposed the cruelty of the Mexican dictator and the horrors of the Women 's Lunatic Asylum , Nellie Bly had become fascinated with Jules Verne 's book Around the World in 80 Days and wanted to see if it were in fact possible to circumvent the Earth in 80 days or less . In modern times you could fly around the world in a plane in a couple days , but back then the most they had were steam ships and trains . She had a plan : she 'd begin by catching a steam ship to England and would send back brief reports via a new technology , telegrams , and send longer reports via letter . There was a problem though that stopped her editor from allowing it : She was a woman . Women shouldn 't go across town unescorted , why on earth should she be allowed to go alone around the world ? Only a man could do this ! Furthermore , she 's a woman : she 'll need 11 trunks worth of clothes and cosmetics that will slow her down trying to keep track of all those things and carrying them from place to place . These were some of the problems the editors of the New York World had with her trip . But that didn 't deter her - it hadn 't stopped her before and it wouldn 't this time either . But Bly wasn 't about to give up , she told them : send a man and I will go for another paper and I will beat him . They remained firm in their decision A year later though she got a break . The World faced shrinking circulation and needed something to boost readership - a publicity stunt - and Joseph Pulitzer knew just the thing : Nellie Bly . He gave her a few days notice to pack her things and then she would be out . She left November 14 , 1989 . On his way into work , Cosmopolitan Magazine owner and editor John Brisben Walker read the front page story in the World announcing Bly 's trip to see if Phileas Fogg 's fictional record of 80 days was possible and if she could beat it . Immediately , he knew this would be an incredible opportunity for him and his publication to get in on . So once he arrived at the office he called for a young writer to be brought to him - and it had to be a female . Literary editor Elisabeth Bisland - who was unaware of Bly 's trip - was called to his office and they exchanged brief greetings before he got to business : She needed to go home and pack her things and be on the next train to San Francisco because she was going to challenge and beat Nellie Bly around the world . She gave excuses at first - she had dinner guests coming that night , she didn 't have enough time to pack , etc . But eventually he wore her down convinced her to go . Her real reason which she admitted to later was that she was a shy , studious and serious writer and as such she cherished her anonymity and privacy . She didn 't want publicity or celebrity - which she knew this would bring . She knew that this would be a sensational story and wanted no part in it . Bly on the other hand reveled that fact . In Chicago Bisland talked her way onto a fast mail train headed straight for San Francisco . There was a $ 750 , 000 contract riding on that train being the fastest yet , and everyone else on the train was either a mail or railroad official . She was the only woman . In Utah the train stopped and changed engineers , the new one being Cyclone Bill Downing who was known for his lack of fear . A few minutes before 1 : 00 a . m . , the train lead by Cyclone Bill Downing slowly began to move forward - but it wouldn 't last for long . He pushed the train to it 's limits careening up and down mountains , around passes , through tunnels and across long plains . Derailment was common back then and everyone aboard feared the worst - and their nerves were not eased by the trains violent rocking and roar bouncing off the mountains . From the rear car passengers could see a spray of sparks trailing behind them like fire . Many aboard got seasick from the ride , and those that didn 't got sick from the smell of other 's being sick . One man writhed on the floor in terror and was handed brandy to help calm himself . Bly didn 't have it any easier - she was on an actual ship for the first time and got seasick for a few days . To further complicate things other passengers had no idea why she was on the ship - especially alone . Rumors began circulating about her being an American heiress traveling to mend a broken heart , causing a number of single men to attempt to court her - several of them even proposing . Once in England Bly met with a correspondent for the World that told her if she traveled overnight , didn 't sleep and made a few detours she could meet with Jules Verne at his estate in Amnion , France . She was ecstatic - who cares if she had to spend 48 hours straight awake and on the road ? She got to meet an immensely famous author whom she respected and loved ! While there , she even got to see the map he used to plot out his character 's journey and one he made of hers . He told her that if he beat the fictional record he 'd applaud her . He was very supportive of her , even sending her a telegram when she made it to San Francisco to congratulate her . The two women sent brief reports back via telegram , which the brilliant Joseph Pulitzer realized he could use for more than just status updates . He sponsored a contest for readers - whoever could guess closest to the second that Nellie Bly would arrive back in New York would win a free trip to Europe . Naturally , contestants had to purchase a paper first since the entry form was inside . Pulitzer 's marketing scheme worked splendidly - the contest was huge and received nearly a million entries . He was careful to never mention Bisland and keep the focus on Bly . The winning entry was off by 2 / 5 of a second . Second place was off by 3 / 5 of a second . The contest and paper launched Bly into becoming one of the most famous women in the world at the time . The race was neck - and - neck nearly the entire way . While Bisland knew her mission was to beat Bly , Bly had no idea she was racing against anyone else until she got to Hong Kong - about halfway through . The conversation with a ticket office employee went something like this : While the trip had its ups it also had its downs - bad weather , miscommunications , mechanical problems and conspirators slowed them down . In the end , it came down to Nellie Bly coming by train from San Francisco and Elizabeth Bisland by steam ship from Ireland . Either women could have won , and the world anxiously held its breath . Spoiler Alert : Ultimately , Nellie Bly won . Thanks to a ticket salesman who lied to Bisland about missing one of her intended boats and forced her to catch a much slower ship which guaranteed Bly would prevail . Bly 's end time was 72 days 6 hours and 11 minutes while Bisland 's time was 76 and a half days . Bly 's victory was celebrated with parades and much publicity - by this time she was more concerned with fame than with uncovering immoral actions and becoming more and more arrogant . She attempted to capitalize on it by going on a lecture circuit but it didn 't bode too well . Later s board game and an amusement park in Brooklyn would be made using her name and journey as their themes , however she didn 't profit from either . Bisland 's return was much less grand although she was just as much changed . She was greeted by a small crowd of curious people and her sister . She wrote soon after returning that she wanted to live her life in such a way that her name would never again appear in a newspaper . However , she would continue to travel . The trip itself had broadened her outlook and opened her up to the world . She particularly loved Japan and would return many times . Who cares what other people think of what your doing ? Why let other 's opinions - which mean absolutely nothing - have an impact on your happiness ? Be yourself , do the things you love , not what others have told you to do or love . Be different , and be proud . By doing this , you 'll encourage others to follow suit and do the things they love . Things aren 't perfect , but everyone - male and female , and of all races - does have it a lot better than things were in the 1800s . If they could do amazing things then , you can do amazing things now . The only limits you have are the ones you set . The trip around the world was a huge risk for both women - not only was it dangerous for them to go alone , but if something did happen to them there would have been almost no way to know . There were no cell phones , GPS or cameras and investigative technology and practices were dubious - especially in the less developed countries they went to . But the trip was worth it . Both women learned so much from this trip , and society in general learned more about the world and grew more accepting of the idea of women being capable and able to handle themselves . Whichever way suits you , you should take risks . Great or small , if you want something you need to be willing to take risks to get it . Maybe changing the world isn 't your thing - it doesn 't matter , even to get something selfish that you want ( which is not necessarily a bad thing ) there will be some risks involved . It may not be easy - but nobody said it would be . Of course risks have potential downsides , but whether or not you succeed you 'll come out ahead . If you fail , learn from it so you can try again in the future and hopefully then succeed . Take risks , learn from your failures and live without regrets . Furthermore , the world just isn 't scary - you have no excuse not to travel ! If two women can muster up the courage to travel during a time when women couldn 't even go outside without a male escort , you can too . Learning a Language isn 't Necessary for Travel It 's not an easy task , but learning another language has gotten significantly easier thanks to the sheer amount of resources you have available to you right now for free . There are ways to get around money issues , if you really want it you will make or find time and with some strategic habit - building you can make yourself stick to it . The tools are all at your fingers - if Bisland could do it you can too . Do you really need all those things ? Really ? Bly most famously only traveled with a single bag that she could carry with her - currently with The Smithsonian - containing only the absolute most essential items . Going with only the clothes on your back may be a bit too extreme for some , but it should make you consider what are the absolute essentials - what could you live without on this trip ? Do you really need multiple pairs of shoes , tons of clothes , or a bunch of electronics ? What exactly do you want to do with your time there ? Unless you intend on spending your time on your computer or with your nose in a book , skip those sorts of things . Take only a couple of your most versatile clothes ( that can be dressed up or down ) and only buy clothes at your destination if you need them . When you 're done you can donate , resell or give them to someone else . Simplifying things a bit , Couchsurfing essentially lets you either stay at another person 's home for free or allow others to stay at your home for free . There 's no obligation to host people and when traveling you get to choose whom you stay with ( though the host always has final say on accepting or denying travelers ) . While ostensibly the purpose of Couchsurfing is to provide travelers with a free place to stay , the real purpose of the community is to bring people from all over the world together to spread cultural awareness and learning . There are two ways to find hosts on Couchsurfing , you can either post an itinerary and hosts can send you offers or you can seek out specific hosts and send them individual requests . We chose to do the former , posting our itinerary almost a month before we were schedule to leave . To my surprise , a host offered us a place to stay the very next day . I 'll call him ' D ' here instead of using his name to respect his privacy . D said he would love to host us , so we checked out his profile . He was a verified member , had over 30 positive references and 0 negative ones , had been vouched for and had tons of pictures up - all indicators of a good person to stay with . D is in his late 60s , breaking the stereotype that a majority of the people on Couchsurfing are very young , and has an apartment right in the heart of the Loop only a few blocks from Millennium Park . A hotel in the same area easily could have cost us over $ 200 a night . In addition to all of that , he told us he could get us free parking for a week at his weekend job . If you 've ever been to Chicago you know free parking is kind of a big deal . D 's hospitality while we were there was staggering . The first thing he did was give us a key to his apartment and then took us grocery shopping where he insisted that he buy us whatever groceries we would like for the week . He loved showing us around the city , and gave us an extensive tour . Through the week he treated us to two meals and showed us around to several other places . Our first experience with Couchsurfing was overwhelmingly positive . I 'm already looking forward to our next trip and intend to open our own home up to travelers here in Cincinnati . While the surface benefit of Couchsurfing is saving money by not paying for accommodations the real spirit of it is so much more than that . Even if you only stay with someone for a night I highly recommend giving Couchsurfing a try - 9 times out of 10 you don 't just get somewhere to stay , you get a new friend . You 're all packed and ready to go on your adventure abroad . You 've got everything you need in three suitcases - including the kitchen sink . You 've got clothes for two weeks , soaps , shampoos , three pairs of shoes , towels , all your camera gear , laptop , Kindle , iPad , iPod , iPhone , cosmetics , hair spray / gel , entertainment for when you are on the plane , and somehow there 's still room for souvenirs . What do you actually need to pack ? What will you be doing on your trip ? You 'll need much less than you think . Halve your stuff , and then halve it again . Take only that . Everything you need can fit in a backpack . Your stuff owns you and ties you to it . The more you have , the less you 'll be able to move around ( and the more it will cost ! ) and the more you 'll worry about your stuff getting lost or stolen . The less you have to carry and worry about , the more free you will be to move and enjoy your trip . So only pack what you know you will need . Minimalism isn 't for everyone , but if you are traveling , you should embrace it . On our first trip abroad , I packed too much . As a result I was constantly worried about it getting lost ( it did ) and it made each trip to the airport harder . Even while we were settled in , we realized we couldn 't just go outside of the main city for a day or two like we had originally wanted to , because our stuff tied us to our apartment . So what should you take ? Only what you need , and cannot buy once you get there . Consider what you 'll be doing and pack the absolute minimum . You really don 't need your whole wardrobe - and clothes can be washed anywhere around the world . For tech gear , prioritize what you are bringing to place emphasis on devices that can multi - task . Like to take a lot of photos ? Get a smartphone . Want to read ? Buy a smartphone or e - reader . Music ? Smartphone . Maps ? Smartphone . Email ? Smartphone . Writing ? Smartphone . When you leave to go to the next destination or even home , you should leave filled with memories and photos rather than a bunch of stuff . Taking pictures has gotten so much easier over the past fifteen years , and good cameras have gotten cheaper . I managed to take over 60 glorious gigabytes of photos during one summer trip alone , all of which were stored on my laptop 's hard drive . I knew they were vulnerable , and planned on backing them up as soon as we returned . I would have , and should have , backed them up during the trip - but I foolishly depended upon my web host 's server for said backup and had no idea that access to it outside of the US would have been blocked . Naturally , my laptop 's hard drive died as soon as we got home . The data couldn 't be saved without using the services of a company dedicated to data recovery , which cost me over $ 2 , 000 - the price of my laptop . The whole experience made me sick to my stomach , but I paid it because those photos meant that much to me . If you don 't have it already look into cloud storage - especially before you go . They didn 't exist when we left on our trip , but they do now and it would be stupid to not take advantage of them . On the plus side , many of them have apps to sync data from your smartphone too ( bonus ! ) Also be sure to check if you 'll have access in the country you 'll be going to - trying to use the internet in China was so difficult we essentially took a sabbatical from it . It 's good to have more than one option . This goes along with the first tip - don 't buy souvenirs , trinkets , gifts or anything like that . People back at home rarely want a reminder that you went abroad , and those trinkets often just take up space and gather dust . Aside from the fact that they are just things - often low in value but the price is jacked up to prey on tourists , the main important point is that they have significantly less value than experience and memories . A better use of your money is to go do things rather than buy things . Hotels are expensive , and can significantly shorten a trip to anywhere - so why not skip them and find an alternative ? For newbie travelers I can understand there being some reservations about Couchsurfing and the alternatives - but as we 've learned there 's also a risk of getting a crappy hotel and it can be a lot worse . Host families are a great way to stay in a new land , learn the language , culture and where all the interesting things are . But it 's not for everyone . Only want to stay a few days ? Why not Couchsurfing or a hostel ? Want to stay longer ? Get an apartment ahead of time , or stay in a hostel / couchsurf until you can get one . Our accommodations were the worst during the actual ' study ' part of our trip to China . In addition to the terrible plumbing , thin walls , rock hard beds and improper ventilation , one day we were hit with a heavy rainstorm that caused flooding ( I stomped across campus back to the dorm with water up to my waist - hoping I didn 't fall into one of the many poorly marked pits where they were doing construction ) the teachers and cooks fought to keep the water out , but unfortunately couldn 't . In addition to the flooding , several parts of the building began to fall apart too . The travel abroad reps at our university who picked the location for the study - abroad program made it sound much , much more luxurious than it actually was . The picture above isn 't the worst of the structural damage , but unfortunately most of my pictures were too blurry to be used . If you want to stay gone longer than a week or two , you 'll need some sort of income . You can do this through making money online - or you can get a job or volunteer where you want to stay . Luckily , there 's a lot of options available . If you 're reading this blog , then you obviously speak English . If you 're good at it , teaching English abroad is a great option as it 's wanted nearly everywhere . Nomadic Matt has excellent comprehensive resources for working , volunteering and teaching English abroad . You can visit a country without ever really experiencing that country … How ? By sightseeing , visiting tourist traps and sticking to the expat scene . If you avoid people and the culture of different countries you 'll be missing out on what I find to be the biggest values in traveling . You don 't have to speak the language ( although it helps , even if you can only speak a few phrases , and anyone can do it ) to experience a country , but you do have to interact with the people that live there , adapt and do things you may not have done before . It 's particularly difficult in a country where you don 't speak the language and where few people speak English . Despite not being good with Korean at the time , we did our best and it was appreciated . From the people we met , we learned things we likely wouldn 't have otherwise , we went to restaurants we might not have found , tried interesting food , I could go on forever with just our experience in Seoul alone . Get involved with the things that are going on . Er , please don 't go away . I mean explore . There 's a time and place for schedules , sightseeing and to - do lists . Traveling is not a race , and shouldn 't be treated as such . Take your time , explore , do unexpected , spontaneous things . Taking your time and not rushing around allows you to relax , savor the experience , food and people , and to really connect with the area and people surrounding you . Save some time for exploration , you may be surprised at what you find . One of my favorite times we got lost was when we stumbled upon a kung - fu shop in Beijing , wandered in , and wound up spending the evening chatting with the owners , learning about the things they sold , their family - notably one of their sons who has won several competitions . They even took us into the back of the store and showed us their personal favorite weapons . Stuff that we , as fellow martial arts , really love . " If you 're twenty - two , physically fit , hungry to learn and be better , I urge you to travel - as far and as widely as possible . Sleep on floors if you have to . Find out how other people live and eat and cook . Learn from them - wherever you go . " - Anthony Bourdain I 'm just going to jump into this one , and say that you need to get over the fear of making mistakes , or doing scary unfamiliar things , because the regret of not doing or the voice in the back of your head that always whispers " what if ? " will always haunt you . Stop thinking so much and just do . Places change quickly , and if you don 't do it you may not get the chance to later . If you really have a hard time getting over the fear , realize that in 99 % of cases it 's completely irrational . Weigh the benefits and risks , and the impact of the possible outcomes . What 's the worst that could happen ? How bad would that really be ? . As long as you don 't die or get thrown in jail , I 'd say you 're good to go . Minimalism , cloud storage , ignoring your fears , it 's really all about freedom . Freedom to travel , freedom to experience new things you wouldn 't have otherwise and freedom to stay longer - or shorter - if you wish . As we continue to travel we 'll learn more and share it when we do , but what have your experiences been ? What advice do you have for new travelers ? Share your thoughts in the comments !